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wanderlustqueen-writes · 6 months

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Hypothesis Number Two

Erwin assigns Hange with a mission: finding a way to bond with Levi. Hange's methods are… unorthodox.

Pairing: Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë

Rating: SFW. Just fluff.

Warnings: Poop jokes?

Aditional Tags: She/Her pronouns for Hange Zoë

Wordcount: 1,9k

“You want me to do WHAT?” Hange’s voice came out squeakier than she anticipated. Then again, the tone was justified, given the absolute ‘nutty as a fruitcake’ nature of the Commander’s request.

“I said I want you to bond with him,” Erwin’s words were deliberately slow this time. He was standing by her desk in the science laboratory, the light from the candle dancing across his stern face.

“I heard what you said” Hange replied, her eyes wide open, outstretched hands waving aimlessly at the air in front of her “I just… why? How? How do I even-”

“He’s been here a while but hasn’t made friends with anyone so far.” the commander caught a glimpse of Hange’s eye roll and sighed in response. “I usually stay out of your businesses, but given the nature of what we do, this intervention is necessary. Levi’s raw talent won’t be of much help if he is not able to trust his squad. Or vice-versa. So I need someone to… break the ice. To make him feel more comfortable with the Survey Corps. Someone to bond with him, so others follow suit”

Hange listened carefully to Erwin’s words. Their leader, as usual, had his eyes on an important goal that the others hadn’t seen yet.

“I understand that, Erwin. But why ask me?” Hange pointed towards herself as if she were a rotten apple at the market stall. “It’s not like I’m someone he is particularly fond of. Hell, he seems to hate me even more than he hates Mike, and I heard that Mike shoved his head into a pool of sewage once!”

“He did no such thing.”

“Really?”

“Yes. It was a puddle of muddy water. Anyway, I’m asking you because everyone else is scared of him”

“But-”

“Just think of it as an experiment. What works? What doesn't work? You’ll find out. And if that doesn’t motivate you, just remember that I’m commander and this is an order.” As soon as the last word left the leader’s lips, he turned on his heel and left the room.

Hange stood there for a good ten minutes, awestruck, pondering over what the hell had just happened. She couldn't deny her curiosity about the new captain. He came from a completely different background but his abilities were unmatched, even by the most experienced soldiers. His nonchalance also had some sort of appeal to her, like a mystery waiting to be solved, and it didn’t hurt that he was so easy on the eyes (although she kept that last part to herself). Still, Erwin’s choice was weird. Hange thought that someone more charismatic and generally likable, such as Petra, would be the most obvious person for the job. Was the commander, again, seeing something ahead that was not yet clear to her? Maybe. Probably. But even if that was not the case, Hange wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.

She took a bite of that nutty fruitcake and it tasted exciting and sweet. Fair enough. She set by the lab desk and started scribbling on a piece of paper. Let’s get this experiment going!

***

The perfect opportunity to set her plan in motion came up a few days later when they gathered in the mess hall after a particularly tiring training session with the new Special Operations Squad.

Hange’s plan was… peculiar. She knew that to bond with Levi, she needed to find some common ground with him, but the captain was so damn closed! The only interest she knew he had was neatness. She was halfway through creating a plan to make their cleaning duty schedules coincide when it hit her: he apparently also liked poop talk. Seriously, for someone so obsessed with hygiene, that shorty sure talked a lot about excrement.

Hange ripped the previous plan and started to write down her new ideas. Erwin said she could think of this as an experiment, right? Then It was only right to approach the matter with the scientific method:

Observation: Levi is an introspective shorty who grunts at everyone, cleans obsessively, and talks a lot about feces. Hypothesis: A poop joke will create a moment of positive connection with Levi. Experiment: Tell Levi a good poop joke and observe his reaction.

Then, all she had to do was analyze the results and convey her conclusions to Erwin. It was definitely a bet, but one that might just pay off.

So Hange buried herself in research for two days, until she found the perfect joke and the right way to tell it. There was nothing else to do other than wait for the best opportunity to conduct her experiment, and when the soldiers sat at the mess hall to tell stories and relieve the tension from the training, Hange knew that it had arrived.

They sat facing each other through the small corridor, their backs leaning against the table tops behind them. Moblit, Hange, Erwin, Mike, and Nanaba on one bench, Gunther, Eld, Levi, Petra, and Oluo on the other, all drinking from their jugs, except for the new captain, whose chosen poison was tea.

“... and that’s when I found Oluo lying in a pile of trash behind the bar.” The older soldier scowled as Petra concluded her story. “Come on, Oluo. Don’t be so tedious. You did look pretty funny with that banana peel on your toupé”. Most of the Corps laughed audibly, and even Mike and Nanaba let out a giggle at the ridiculous image.

“What about you, captain? Do you have any funny stories for us?” Petra asked, still laughing a bit while wiping the tears that had accumulated in her eyes. She seemed to be making an effort to put Levi at ease with his new squad. Hange made a note to herself to ask Erwin about that later.

“No,” Levi answered dryly. Then, when he noticed the negative change in the young woman’s facial expression, he elaborated “Not many fun stories where I come from.”

“I have one” Hange raised her arm eagerly, breaking the uncomfortable silence, and, for once, her comrades seemed grateful that she decided to say something. “It’s a poop joke”.

“Ugh,” Oluo said. From the corner of her eye, she saw Erwin giving her an inquisitive look. On her other side, Moblit had… was that fear on his face? Oh, Come on!

“So, a bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods…” Hange started, suppressing the grin that was forcing its way into her lips. She wasn’t the best at telling jokes (always got too excited before the punchline) but she was trying her best this time. She couldn’t let external conditions interfere with the results of the experiment. Her comedic timing needed to be perfect.

Oluo let out another groan. Was he really disgusted by the mention of feces or was he trying to emulate Levi? He seemed to be doing this a lot these days. Petra elbowed him and smiled at Hange. The rest of the Survey Corps all looked at the squad leader expectantly, some more amused than others, except for Levi, who had his eyes fixed on the teacup he was slowly bringing towards his lips.

“A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods” Hange started over. “After the bear is done with his business, he turns to the rabbit and says “Hey, Rabbit. Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" “‘Well, no. I’m quite used to it” Hange put in extra effort in making believable voices for the characters, which drew some laughter across the tables. Levi remained indifferent, taking a long sip of his tea. Hange continued.“‘Good’, the bear says. Then he grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with him.”

For one instant, the room went silent, except for the sound of liquid spurring out of Levi's partially closed lips. Hange’s vision got blurry as particles of tea covered her lenses. The wetness of her face was uncomfortable, but she was focused on more pressing matters. Who was sitting directly in front of Levi, again? Crap! The scientist raised the glasses to her forehead and slowly looked to her right side. Like a wax figure, Erwin sat with furrowed brows and clenched lips, completely soaked in the brown liquid. One could believe he was a literal statue, had it not been for the painfully slow rhythm of his breathing, moving his chest up and down. Crap, crap, crap, crap!! As she thought this, a thick drop of tea traced a path down his left eyebrow. Yep. She was in deeper shit than that rabbit.

Hange’s mind started working at a frantic pace, a whirlwind of synapses preparing the deepest, most heartfelt apology ever, but, then, she noticed something everyone else had caught on before her: Levi. Even Erwin seemed unbothered by the tea bath he had just taken, as he looked at the new captain without blinking.

Levi was staring blindly at the floor beneath him, his hand frozen, holding the teacup directly in front of his face. His nostrils were dilated and the eyebrows were completely furrowed, but also… twitching? The captain’s lips moved as if he were trying to say something, but no words were coming out of his body.

“Is he ill?” Someone asked. The voice brought Hange back to the present.

“Captain, are you okay?” Petra asked, concerned, then turned to look at the scientist “Hange, I think you broke Levi.”

“What is happening?” Erwin’s question was not rhetorical.

Hange analyzed the captain for a moment, the ambiguity on his expression, all the twitching and trembling.

“I think he is… deciding?”

As if it recognized the cue, Levi’s expression melted into an audible giggle. A giggle! It was hoarse and higher pitched than Hange anticipated, but most of all, it was adorable. The sound disappeared as fast as it had come, leaving everyone agape.

“Tch. That was disgusting, Four Eyes.” Levi said, with a small grin on his lips. “Do you know another one?”

‎***

A few hours later, Erwin stopped by Hange’s side as they refilled their jugs.

“Interesting technique,” the commander said, without looking at her.

“I guess you picked the right person for the job” Hange smirked, then suddenly remembered her question about Petra. “By the way, did you assign this mission to anyone else?”

“No, just to you. How did you know that that would work?”

“Science” Hange winked. Erwin let out an amused puff of air through his nose, then narrowed his eyes. “Was this also part of your plan?” the commander signaled at the brown stain on his shirt.

“Of course not. But I wish it was. That was genius!” The scientist laughed loudly, and the commander himself giggled.

“Fair enough” Erwin responded, a light smirk still on his lips. “On a completely unrelated note, I’m assigning your squad to the toilet cleaning task for the rest of the month”

“Oh, come on! I was just following your orders” Hange pleaded, but the commander remained silent. “Okay, fine. It was worth it, though.” The scientist said as she walked back to her table.

As Hange approached her comrades, Levi moved to make room for her on his bench. Erwin observed the quirky squad leader sit by the new captain’s side and smile at him as she said something. The commander’s lips curled to a slight grin. It wouldn’t be long before those two fools began to see what was already clear as day to him.

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