#post made while actually not depressed! just reflecting on how insane it is that other people have just been living like this the whole time

[evidently-endless]

being depressed is like experiencing full gravity on the moon and watching every other bastard float around while you stomp wretchedly from crater to crater

[princessmotif]

out of curiosity, what would it mean to you for fiction to replicate the maizula dynamic? like what features are most salient?

the heart of their relationship i think is replicable to an extent in that it's this sort of rotted love where you have known each other so long and so well that you couldn't not love each other but you have known each other so long and so well that you couldn't not hate each other as well. so that integral piece is absolutely something we can find in other relationship dynamics. like the rich girl/weird friend dynamic absolutely exists.

the sibling love triangle aspect with maiko's existence is also a hugely important and compelling aspect of maizula! this is techniaclly replicable in theory in terms of you can absolutely do love triangles where two members are related, but also it's so hard to duplicate the maizula-maiko triangle because mai is supposed to love zuko, and you can interpret her as actually loving him, and he feels like he's supposed to love her too, but they don't work fundamentally because he doesn't want to understand the worst parts of her, doesn't even want to admit that they exist, and she is so horribly caught up in azula who makes her feel so alive by acknowledging and knowing and seeing all these parts of her and bringing them out even more that she could say she chooses zuko because it's the right thing to do in terms of both heteronormativity and what choosing zuko represents, but i don't think realistically mai can actually turn away from azula and everything she's ever known and hated and loved and wanted to leave her alone and not known how to live without. not without regrets.

i think it's also so hard to replicate the way that their individual characters are and come together in the ship as a whole. like azula being a prodigious princess with such an insane relationship with gender and having such a tragic domestic origin and mai being a noblegirl who is so sullen and depressed and dead inside and has such an awful domestic life as well and who has to obey azula's orders but also absolutely doesn't do that because the power dynamic of their relationship is so complex by complete accident that while azula is higher ranking than mai socially and financially and in the military sense, mai absolutely has more power on an interpersonal level. that's something that you see a lot in lesser degrees in media with toxic female friendships sure, but never to the extent that one of the parties can literally have the other executed if she wants to, but she chooses not to do so even when she imprisons her former friend.

i wrote a mini essay on this here, but the way in which they play with the rich girl/weird friend dynamic is also INSANE on a level i have yet to see anyone else touch really except maybe rhaenicent.

speaking of other posts i've made abt their dynamic being so fascinating, this one about the "i love zuko more than i fear you" line vs what atla's show canon actually demonstrates is something i think is vital to understanding what makes them so insane. and i do think it's unique, if only because of what the narrative wants to tell you vs what it actually shows you.

also, one of the most important things which i touched a little on earlier is just... the politics of atla as a setting for their relationship. that makes it 10x more compelling that azula is this tragic figure who is on the completely wrong side of history, a child soldier who fights for imperialism and racism and xenophobia because she has been indoctrinated and abused and made into a weapon, and mai is someone who fought alongside with her until it inconvenienced her to do so, then switched sides in the name of love without ever actually analyzing or critiquing her own beliefs about what her country was doing. mai chooses the good and moral side by choosing zuko (who also doesn't actually reflect internally and... gets to kind of just keep doing a friendlier imperialism when we look at the comics and lok, but that's another topic), but does she actually want that? does she actually believe in that? has she actually let azula go? the comics can try to whitewash her morality more by pretending she cares abt tom-tom and she's totally reformed, but the show doesn't actually support that, and with no material in-between to show us mai's redemption beyond her betraying azula, not because she cares abt what's good and right but because she cares abt zuko, we as an audience have no real reason to believe that.

so yeah, maizula is endlessly fascinating to me, and i wish a ship would be more interesting than them

[cleaning-chronicles]

So. I made this blog a while back. I have no idea if I can figure out when that was...but hi, my name is D and I'm a hoarder. Not the way that probably you think of hoarding, if you have seen a hoarding TV show on daytime TV? I do have some food (mostly snacks) in my space, as well as some drinks and things, but I do try really hard to take trash out in a timely-ish fashion. Old newspapers and things like that are closer to my truth, but they're not really...it. The only newspapers I have kept are things like my accomplishments in my hometown or old Sunday comics from almost a decade ago. I won't get into why. But anyway, they're precious to me.

What else is here? Things like D&D dice, crafting supplies, pins and buttons. Technology bits and bobs, writing utensils. An insane amount of printed paper, just whatever stories or images have resonated with me. Stuff I've made. Art. Mugs that hold items, not tea. Costume pieces...anyway, I feel like a lot of that isn't really what you'd think of when you hear the word "hoarder". Or maybe you would. I don't know you.

Anyway, like the title says: I fell down a horrific depression hole about 10 years ago. Actually, the depression started a while before that; but combine suicidal depression with someone whose greatest fear is letting down their parents by not going to college, and you get someone who moves away for most of the year, moves back over the summer, and then moves away again, all without doing much packing or unpacking. It got to be too much. When I graduated (with honors!) and moved back in with my parents - I was single and making a pittance at some call center job - the depression swallowed me. In truth, I don't have much memory of those years. It's all shrouded in fog and one of my greatest fears is that I'll never get those days back, that they will always be hidden from me.

It would make sense, given how much trauma ensued, but it sill makes me sad. Do you have any idea what it's like to match up the timelines of your life and be surprised that thing 1 and thing B happened on the same day? It's horrifying.

Anyway. I have graduated multiple times and I can hold a job for about 3 years at a time before I get restless. I'm currently unemployed, but...I'm coming up on a large milestone birthday. And all I want is to be able to invite my friends into my space. I was going to write "without feeling like total shit and a failure" but honestly? I can't even invite people over. That's how intense the shame is. That's where I have been, mentally, for almost a decade. Extreme isolation unless I go out seeking someone else's company. And somewhere in all the books and glass pens and hinged boxes and fake flowers...somewhere in here there is joy. Somewhere in my life there is freedom. I'm going to find it if I can. I'm going to find it if it kills me.

Perhaps that's too strong a word, since I mentioned the suicidal depression. While I've been repeatedly traumatized, my heart repeatedly broken in this decade, I promise that I don't currently have any plans to end my life. I think that's why the sudden urge to clean. I'm getting better, and I want my space to reflect that. Honestly I can't imagine how any of my family has come in here and not carted me away to a mental hospital; for all that I'm saying it's not your typical hoarder space, shit is BAD in here. There are springs poking up through my bed, I haven't been able to reach the window in years. My closet hasn't had a function other than "try and store as much as possible in here" for most of this time.

But it's going to get better. That's what the blog is for.

For anyone curios: I may post pictures. Maybe. Honestly I'm a little afraid to do that. What if someone I know sees it? But I might post a few pics, just so people understand. I think part of doing this is to shout into the void, but...also, honestly, if I could say that maybe I helped someone...it would make my heart a lot lighter.

Thank you if you have read so far. I do sincerely appreciate it.

D

[dimonds456]

*sees your tags about being salty about suf spinel*

YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT AND NOT SHARE YOUR SALT /LH

Okay, but I'm warning you, you asked for it.

LONG POST WARNING.

LIKE A REALLY, REALLY LONG POST WARNING.

Dimonds456 Presents: How They Did My Baby Dirty: An SUTM and SUF Analysis on Steven and Spinel (Told by a Progressively More and More Angry Narrator)

THE CONTEXT: There was a post talking about how you think a character will fix everything, but then they wind up making it works. My tags were "#*looks at suf spinel* #I am still salty about that like the bitch I am fghdjskgfa"

Grab some water, guys.

Let's start by talking about Steven for a moment. In the original show, when we were following him as a 12-14-year-old, we watched as he built up trauma and then learned how to hide it expertly well, to the point that most of the audience didn't even realize he was struggling.

You can actually pinpoint the seconds he makes those decisions, too. The best example is in "The Test," when he's storming up to the gems. He's pissed. His fists are clenched, he's got that anime eye shadow overlay on his face, he's frowning, all that. the Crystal Gems are clapping for him and lying to his face, and he KNOWS they are because he overheard them talking about how it was "impossible for him to fail" that test (- Garnet).

And yet... he also overheard them saying that they're just trying their best. They don't know what he needs. They never really have. No one is sure. So, Steven realizes that by picking a fight, he would just be making it worse for them because they would know they messed up, and nothing gets solved, and everyone gets more depressed and Amethyst and Pearl go back to fighting each other and- well, you get the picture. He doesn't have a full understanding of what's going on, so his kid brain went "so I can either be angry at them and cause problems, or I can tell them I did a good job to make them happy."

"I can lie to make them happy."

He storms down there angry, still mulling this decision over. He drops to the floor, frowning and pissed, and says "I can't believe you guys." He is so close to yelling at them, and yet, when he looks up at them...

"That was so... INSANE!"

You never would have been able to tell. It was right there. That moment. And then he never stops. For the ENTIRE REST of the series, he NEVER STOPS. He puts the Crystal Gems above himself every time. Think Rose's Scabbard, The Message, The Return/Jailbreak. The Cluster. Peridot. Dealing with Jasper. The zoo arc (ESPECIALLY the zoo arc). Aquamarine. Then pretty much the entirety of Season 5.

(NOTE: I went back and rewatched that scene for the screenshot. There is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it lip tremble in there too! D,: )

He lives for the people around him, and not for himself. Almost never for himself.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's look at his maturity. People thought that was just him being mature, right? That he grew up. No. That was not it at all. He was learning from his own behaviors as well as the people around him, and building up this idea that he had to "fight to be everything that everyone wants [him] to be when [he's] grown" (- Steven, the extended intro).

Yes, he matured, but not because of that. He started making various decisions to benefit the group that oftentimes he wasn't fully comfortable with, but something he believed would be better for everyone.

Put a pin in that.

Then, later in Future, we see it all manifest. He is selfless to a fault, to the point that he can't think of himself in a positive light in the sense that he's good. We see it a couple of times, but especially in "Prickly Pair," when he vents to Cactus Steven about everything that happened. He feels useless, which is taking a toll on his mental health.

"Why do I need to be needed?" He needs to be needed because that's everything he was as a kid. His entire IDENTITY rests on his ability to help other people, no matter what happens to him. He literally sacrificed himself for them countless times (the big one of course being the Aquamarine incident), and now as a teenager, his whole sense of self is wrapped up in this need to get up and do something to make the world better.

And when he can't make the world better, his world falls apart.

Put a pin in that.

Now, let's talk about Spinel, the moment we've all been waiting for.

Spinel, as a gem, was made specifically to be a friend. That is her niche, and her purpose. Her reason for existing. At first, she and Pink Diamond got along very well, as shown in the flashbacks right before Drift Away plays (I headcanon she has illusion powers and was literally projecting her trauma, but that's a completely different post).

She and Pink vibed together for who knows how long, until one day, Pink started to not like being around Spinel anymore, finding her annoying and childish. We don't know what really caused the switch, just that it did happen (but of course, I have headcanons for that, too). Spinel never realized until it was FAR too late.

Steven actually describes his younger self as annoying at one point during the Diamond Days arc, when he decides to throw the ball, so I'm legally allowed to make this comparison.

Steven and Spinel were the SAME. They were both young and dumb, and something that at least a few people found annoying. People put up with their BS though, since they cared about them. But, while Steven realized this and matured because of it (or bottled up his emotions, to each their own), Spinel never did. She never matured. She was never given a chance.

In the movie, we saw her as a child, and watched as she played with Pink and never tried to be or do anything else, to the point that Pink Diamond thought to realize she might be struggling (and maybe Spinel didn't, either!).

She lives for the people around him, and not for herself. Almost never for herself.

And when she can't be friends with this one person, her world falls apart.

Sound familiar? It should. I literally pulled from things I said earlier lol.

Spinel and Steven are mirror reflections of each other. Reset!Spinel is 14-year-old Steven, completely devoting her entire self to one idea. Steven's was helping others no matter what, Spinel's was serving Pink no matter what. Spinel is like a combination of 14 and 12-year-old Steven in this sense, honestly. Goofy, without a care in the world, except one thing: the people around her. She would do anything for Pink, just as Steven would do anything for his family.

Now, Pink Diamond left Spinel. We all know this story. She left Spins there in the garden for 6,000 years because she grew more mature and started a rebellion, effectively forgetting about this one gem she kinda stopped caring about standing there.

Personally, I don't think Pink had any malicious or even intentional intent in that, but this ain't about her. This is about how Spinel continued to sacrifice herself for Pink, even when Pink didn't need her to anymore. She wanted to please Pink 24/7, all day every day, to the point she self-sacrificed and stood perfectly still for her for millenia.

Now, back to Steven. The gems don't need him anymore in Future, right? They've all grown up and matured and headed off towards their own futures, effectively stranding him alone in terms of self-identity and self-worth. But he stays there, ready to assist at the drop of a hat, or- in Future's case- the call of a phone.

Episode 6 anyone? The one everyone says shouldn't be in Future? That it should have been cut to allow more focus on Steven himself? The fusion episode? YEAH. THAT. He is running himself RAGGED to try and help others, to give himself a purpose. He is self-sacrificing. (He's a professional, don't worry. /j)

Steven metaphorically planted his feet down and decided that he was going to devote himself to the people around him.

Spinel's feet were literally tied down soon after she made that very same decision.

Okay, enough with the backstory. Time for the salt.

In Future, Steven is at his lowest low. He is running to the Diamonds for help, to see if there is SOMETHING they can do to help him. And we first see Spinel.

Spinel has been through the ringer on a lot of the same mental problems Steven himself is facing. She self-isolated, watched as everyone grew up and left her, and then began to lash out because of it. She understands what he's going through. We even see her concerned as Steven starts to tell her why he's there.

Spinel takes him from Diamond to Diamond, until he's running out of White's room in a blind panic. Spinel is able to catch up with him, and Steven realizes the same. SHE GETS IT. He turns around and says "Hey, you used to have vengeful thoughts!"

Spinel replies "Ohhhhh yeah, but I don't have 'em anymore."

"How did you make them stop?"

She then goes on to sing Change to him, effectively cutting that conversation short.

On paper, that sounds very in-character for her. She's goofy! And that is what worked for her! But the problem is that they had to dumb her down in order to make that character decision work. In the movie, she was shown to be observant and able to put two and two together, even if she often jumps to conclusions (see her being the one to figure out that the gems needed to remember their "pieces," as she remembers the Garden, her re-realizing what Pink did, and her meltdown later when she reactivates the injector).

Spinel is smart. It should have been in character for her to realize that Steven was panicking just as she had been, and needed to be talked to gently. But no. Instead, she starts belting out Change, which given Steven's situation, would not work for him.

At the very least, she would have started doing little tricks or started trying to get him to join a game, which would have taken his mind off of it (to her anyways, that wouldn't have worked either), which then could have prompted further discussion.

Then, once they finally start talking, Spinel could have been able to share some legitimate advise. She was hurt and lashed out. What worked for her was opening up to others and letting them in, learning to trust again (which Steven also has problems with- he can't trust that the Gems won't break down the second he turns his back. Trust does NOT equal love, there is no doubt he loves them to no end), and allowing other people in.

That is what Steven needed, too. He needed to let his guard down and just talk to someone. Sure, Spinel was not going to be a fix-all, but she could have at least offered some insight on what to do.

She UNDERSTANDS him. They are a reflection of each other.

But instead of offering help, Spinel made it worse. She was dumbed down to allow the rest of Future to happen, to make Steven feel even worse. Because- and here's the kicker- because the one person who MIGHT understand him doesn't, that means there's no hope for him.

At least, that's how he sees it. And so, the denial- and "Everything's Fine"- begins.

Here's the thing, though; they DIDN'T NEED to make that decision. If the Crew wanted to have Spinel not understand Steven, then draw the line of her being a Gem from Era 1, used to the Diamonds shattering people.

Steven has killed Jasper and revived her at this point, so maybe Spinel offers that at least he's trying to get better, just like the other Diamonds! See, they're doing so great now! And then that makes him feel worse since he IS trying to do better, but is only failing, while the Diamonds- who were MADE to be nasty dictators- are doing better than him.

The Diamonds shattered a lot of people, and they're doing better than Steven, who has only shattered one person, and not even on purpose. How horrible is that?

Then boom. THERE'S your angst, with a much smarter, more helpful Spinel.

Look, I knew going in that Spinel wasn't going to be able to help. The finale had to happen somehow, and we hadn't seen Wormy Boi yet. I have always been a storng believer of the corrupted Steven theory, so I knew it was bound to happen. But I was hoping that Spinel would at least try. But she really didn't. She just brushed him off, offering really loose advise that didn't even fit his situation and thinking that would be enough.

No. It's not.

I can see where the Crew was coming from. I still love that episode, and I love seeing Spins in it (until that exact moment). This is probably the only thing in SU that genuinely gets me mad. Or, well, maybe not mad, but definitely annoyed and- you guessed it- salty.

I have an unfinished fic where I kinda delve into Spinel's head for that episode called "A New Start". If you really want my thoughts on where Spinel's head was at, there's a bit in there that really explains it. In the fic, Steven decides to rejuvenate himself and brings Spinel along with him, and that's all the context you need for this.

I cannot explain that moment in the climax of the episode, though. Maybe she thought it would make him feel better, or that maybe he really did just need to open his eyes and see the error of his ways (which doesn't make sense, he KNOWS what he did). Maybe she thought that being silly would help somehow.

But you'd think she'd learn from her time with Pink as she grew more annoyed with her, but apparently not. Or maybe she would realize for a second that being loud and annoying was bad. Or maybe she doesn't learn.

Either way, it- and she- was dumb. And they did my baby dirty.

*drops mic and walks away*

[redhoodieone]

Wrong Number Part 2

A/N: Here’s Part 2! Uh…I don’t really know what to say other than…enjoy it! Hopefully, I can post Part 3 sometime next week.

Warnings: Language, Sexual Content, Text Message Nudes, and Mutual Masturbation.

I’m in complete shock. I know I’m frozen because I can’t literally take my eyes off the text message Jason sent to me. It’s clear; it’s in black and white, staring right at me.

Do you ever think we’ll meet each other?

He wants to meet me. Jason wants to meet me in person!

I want to text him back, but my mind is full of many ridiculous questions and the fears of Jason being a serial killer, or rapist, or just an insane Arkham escapee blows up in my head.

Before I knew it, I see the three bubbles on my screen.

I’m sorry. That was selfish of me to ask you that even though we’re still practically strangers to each other. Forget I asked, please?

My heart suddenly hurts like fuck. The pain I’m instantly feeling is very familiar. A broken heart?

It’s pure agony when I notice Jason texting me again.

I’m not going to be able to text tonight, sweetheart. I’m working late with my brothers. I’ll text you tomorrow. Have a good night. Sweet dreams.

I can’t believe I did this. How could I do this to a guy who’s been so funny, so sweet, and such a good friend in only just four days through text messages?

I seriously fucked up. And now I have no one to talk to until I fall asleep.

And as strange as it is, I only sleep well after I talk to him.

 ————————————————————————------------------------------

And true to his word, Jason texts me at five in the morning, only to let me know he made it home safe after working with his brothers.

We only spoke about our jobs once. He told me he works alongside police officers and tracks down criminals and helps brings justice to the city. He seemed almost hesitant to tell me and turned the conversation to me as if he doesn’t like talking about work. He made it clear that he would rather keep his work private, and I didn’t push him to tell me more. I didn’t want to ask a lot of questions, even if I’m sometimes curious about it, because I wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable about it.

I had told him I’m a waitress at the local diner just a block away from GCPD, and how I’m a late-night writer who dreams of publishing my novel on love and loss. And after I confessed about the book I wrote to Jason, I noticed he was very enthusiastic about that and even told me he wants to read it.

And as the shy and insecure person that I am, I became embarrassed and said no.

That only fueled the fire between us. Jason went on to explain he loves to read. His favorite literature consists of Shakespeare (particularly Hamlet), George Orwell’s 1984 and Animal Farm, and even poetry from Edgar Allen Poe.

He even went into depth of how The Tell-Tale Heart mirrors his own reflection of life and stuck with him during a depressing time in his life.

It wasn’t until after we shared our love for literature that I found myself falling for Jason. As ridiculous and insane as that sounds, I couldn’t help but feel as if he’s the missing piece in my life.

It’s as if he’s the words to my story.

Important, but very valuable to a writer.

I was basically on a high that had me grinning like an idiot, giggling like a moron, and jumping in my seat as my stomach twists and turns like a roller coaster, when Jason refused to take no for an answer after I said he couldn’t read my novel. He even said his dad has connections to businesses in Gotham and could even help me get it published.

As much as I would want that, I couldn’t help but feel that it seems too good to be true. What if his dad took my novel and publish it as his own? What if I get cheated out of a contract and didn’t get paid fairly like I should? What if it’s basically a soul-sucking scam to just fuck my entire life up?

Jason must have sensed my hesitation after that, because he then began to tell me about his brothers.

How his older brother Dick still treats him like a kid, even though Jason is taller and stronger than him.

How his younger brother Tim is a computer nerd and often geeks out over the oddest things.

And how his youngest brother Damian is really a demon spawn, who tries to be tough shit, but is really a soft teddy bear.

He even has a sassy but wise butler, Alfred, who frightens him and sometimes reminds him of Vito Corleone from The Godfather. But the older man loves Jason as much as his dad, Bruce.

The stories about Jason’s family are the best. I always find myself excited to see what he texts me about his family.

How he and his brothers fight over their dad’s car, how they wrestle and spar to see who’s the strongest one, and how whenever one’s in trouble, the other three are already finding ways to save or bail the troubled one out.

It all makes me feel good to know they’re a close family. Especially when my cold, harsh reality reminds me I don’t have a family.

My parents died when I was just fifteen years old. I was in the school library alone during afterhours; reading on a beanbag chair because I didn’t want to go home. At that particular time, my parents were hanging around a different crowd. A crowd that was into drugs and gambling, and possibly other illegal activities I don’t even know about.

So, I chose to stay in the school library that night, sitting in my favorite beanbag chair the librarian allows me to use, reading a favorite horror book, munching away on a hot pocket (a snack also from the librarian), and just enjoy the silence but comfortable environment I would call home.

Then I was told they died in a car accident, but after eavesdropping on Commissioner Gordon and the other cops, I heard there could have been a hit on them.

The car accident happened only a block away from our apartment.

The brakes were cut.

The car was burning too much oil.

The airbags were taken out.

Many noticeable factors couldn’t pinpoint the real crime. Eventually, they just called it a “car accident”, and everything fishy about the case was ignored and never brought up again.

I suffered and struggled a lot in foster homes until I turned 18. I didn’t have any other family members to get into contact with, so I had to make do with the foster care system. After being shipped to three unstable and cruel homes, the last family only dealt with me until I turned 18 and I was soon kicked out. I did get lucky enough to get a job at the diner I’m working at since the new manager needed a pretty young girl to serve the customers.

I even went to Gotham Community College for a year but dropped out when I couldn’t pass any math and science classes.

It was fucking hard.

Science was confusing as hell.

Math was just evil and useless.

I hated those classes so much.

I only passed my English classes because reading and writing only made sense to me.

I even took a creative writing class and poetry class only to discover I want to write.

I want to be a writer.

So, I dropped out of college and decided to work full time at the diner as a waitress. Since no one wants to live and work in Gotham, I’m lucky enough to work morning and night without any issues. As dangerous and scary Gotham can be, I have nowhere else to go, so that’s why I stay here.

Maybe that’s why I’m eager to meet Jason. After everything I’ve been through, maybe I do need a little unpredictability.

Chances.

Risks.

The more I consider meeting Jason, the more I can imagine him being my family.

Or being a part of his.

Maybe.

 ————————————————————————--------------------------------

“You’re not going to meet him, right???” Stacey raises her voice at me in sheer annoyance and panic. She crosses her arms and glares at me to answer her. “Right, Y/N???”

I sigh as softly as I can while wiping down the booths and tables for the night. In the midst of a battle, I find myself growling with irritation when I can’t wipe away the sticky maple syrup spills on the hard surface.

“He could be a fat, old man who picks up on teenage girls! He’s probably some 40-year-old loser who still lives on his mom’s basement playing Street Fighter with kids! What if he tricks you into meeting up in a hotel room and has his way with you? Then what, Y/N?! Does that sound like a good idea to you?!” Stacey snaps.

I exhale deeply and stand up straight; after leaning over the table to reach the opposite side for some time. Turning around, I face Stacey Patterson, a tall, petite, pretty blonde, fresh face girl straight out of high school. She’s a waitress like me, and after only working here for a year, we’ve become close friends; always looking after each other in dangerous Gotham City.

“I didn’t say I was going to meet him, Stacey. We’re just talking about it,” I answer timidly.

Despite being five years older than Stacey, she still intimidates the hell out of me. Whether it’s her 5’11 height, loud voice, or natural evil glare, I can never speak up or defend myself. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t take a stand.

Because what if I actually piss her off? What if she stops being my friend?

Because I don’t think I could live in Gotham and not have any friends and not know anyone.

Stacey is like my best friend, and her friends Amber and Holly hang out in our group. Stacey even says they’re my friends, too, even though I clearly know they only put up with me because of her.

And if Amber and Holly aren’t my friends, then I’ll just have Stacey. And if I don’t have Stacey, I’ll only have Jason.

And who knows if Jason is who he says he is, and if he’s even real.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Y/N! You’re totally thinking about Jason! You’re thinking about meeting up with him because I could see it in your eyes!” Stacey declares. She waves her arms around to emphasize her point. “You like this guy! You have feelings for a guy you’ve never even met!”

“That is not true,” I argue weakly.

“Yes, it is! And we don’t even know if it’s a guy!”

“Jason is a guy, and I can tell!”

“Oh, really? How? Do tell.”

I stare at Stacey with a serious expression, except my cheeks are burning with embarrassment as usual. “He...comes off like a guy. I know he is. I can tell through his text messages,” I say.

“Anybody can sound like anyone through text messages. That’s how people catfish victims online!” Stacey argues.

“I’m a writer, Stacey. I just...have a feeling, okay? I know Jason says who he is, and I believe him,” I say strongly, as I push a lose strand of my hair behind my ear. “I’m doing this the smart way, too. When he and I decide when we should meet up, I’ll let you know. Maybe we can make it a group thing. I bring a friend. He brings a friend.”

Stacey sighs in defeat when she realizes I’m not backing down. She glances up at me with a stern face. “Fine. When you two decide when you’re both going to meet up, I’ll be there. I’ll be there to make sure he’s not on America’s Most Wanted, and to make sure he doesn’t try to lure you to his mom’s basement. BUT...you have to go on a date. A REAL date with a guy we both know, AND who could be good for you,” she states loudly and clearly.

“But Stacey-”

“Hey! Only until this Jason guy comes to Gotham and we meet him! Until then, I want you to give this guy a chance. A fair chance! For me...please???” Stacey pleads. She pouts and gives me her puppy dog eyes, which she knows I always give in to.

I’m too nice. Mom always said I was too nice, and that one day it’ll get me in trouble.

I’m still wondering when that’ll happen.

“Okay, I’ll give this guy a chance. I swear I will,” I promise and salute her. “But who’s the guy?”

Stacey grins in success and hugs me tightly. “Good! Because you’re like my sister, Y/N, and I just want to see you happy. You deserve it,” she says softly. “And it’s Chace. Remember him? He’s the drummer from, WakeHell. He moved in right next door to me, and I know you two will hit it off right!”

Chace????

Oh yeah. I know him.

He’s a total bad boy. A bad boy I don’t even think I could deal with.

I force a smile but then frown, because the only guy in my life who makes me happy is Jason.

Who I only text.

Who I haven’t even met.

 ————————————————————————---------------------------------

The next day is a lazy day since it’s my day off. I spent the majority of it sleeping, doing laundry, and just doing minor cleaning around my apartment until it’s 9:00 P.M.

And Cruel Intentions is on TV.

Lying on the couch with my second glass of Vodka Cranberry, I find myself really buzzed and horny. Ryan Phillippe back then was hot, and him making out with Reese Witherspoon is doing things to me.

My phone bings. It’s Jason.

What are you up to tonight, sweetheart?

Just a night in, a cup of glasses of vodka and cranberry, and Cruel Intentions is on TV.

I barely realize I’m buzzed and texting Jason. But my horny side doesn’t care.

I sorry I’m buzzed right now lol.

LOL no worries. I just came back from the bar with my brothers. We had a successful night and decided to get some drinks. We even had Tim and Damian use fake I.D’s.

I laugh and snort. Thank God no one heard me do that.

That’s good...we wouldn’t want Tim and Damian to be left out. They’re your baby brothers, Jay.

Jay? I really like it when you call me that. And I especially like you buzzed. LOL.

I like me buzzed too! I think I’m way more fun and free!

LOL!!! Exactly, princess!

I smile down at my phone. I love it when he calls me princess.

You said you’re watching Cruel Intentions? I just found it on TV. Wow...this movie’s old LOL.

Shut up!!! I find young Ryan Phillppe sexy in this movie!

You seriously find him sexy??? The guy’s a whiny brat! A pussy! Fuck, this movie woulda been sexier if we actually saw the douchebag eat out Cecile and saw him fuck Annette AND Kathryn!

I gasp out loud and giggle.

Then it would have been a porno! Not a movie! Hahaha!!!!

That’s fine with me, princess!

I softly whimper at just the thought of Jason watching porn. Closing my eyes, I imagine how he would sound, touch himself, and look when he’s pleasuring himself.

My eyes shoot open when I hear Sebastian telling Cecile he wants to kiss her…down there. I quickly turn my attention to the TV and watch the movie. Even though he takes advantage of a clueless, drunk girl in the movie, just the thought of him eating her out makes me clench my thighs.

It’s been too long. WAY TOO LONG!

The last guy I was seeing didn’t like to eat me out; claimed it was disgusting and unnecessary to do before sex.

As if sucking his dick was glamorous AND fun!

My thoughts are interrupted when Jason texts me.

You’re quiet tonight…does this scene turn you on???

The laughing emojis he texts me should hurt my feelings since I can easily be embarrassed over sexual things but…he’s right.

I’m turned on with just the thought of getting eaten out.

I boldly text Jack back. Unashamed and VERY buzzed.

You have no idea. Just imagining him eating me out, writing the alphabet with his tongue, and making me have an explosion is making me wet my panties right now.

I laugh to myself just seeing that Jason read my text message and is responding fast. The texting bubbles have never looked so good.

You’re…you’re wet right now????

Yes. Soooo fucking wet.

A surge of drunken confidence hits me, and I quickly shove off my pajama shorts until they’re on the floor. In just my white tank top and pink panties, I bravely slip my fingers into my damp panties and rub the wetness against my sensitive clit.

And with my other hand, I raise my cell phone and snap a picture of fingers in my wet panties.

And I send the picture to Jason.

I bite my lip in anticipation when I see he read my text message and saw my picture. The texting bubbles do not appear on the screen. He’s not texting me back.

Frowning, I wonder if I freaked Jason out. Maybe I crossed the line. Maybe I made him uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just not sexy.

Suddenly, my phone beeps. Unlocking my cell phone screen, I see two text messages AND a picture.

Oh, fuck sweetheart…that’s fucking sexy. You’re fucking sexy…

Jason sends me a picture of him wearing his boxer briefs, and his hand holding his hard, thick cock, showing me the outline and shape of his boner.

Delicious. I can feel my pussy clench just from imagining Jason fucking me with his cock.

Fuck doll...you’re doing this to me.

I whimper pathetically and can’t help but continue to rub my clit and respond back. I can see my juices staining my panties.

Are you touching yourself too?

Fuck yeah. Just seeing your fingers playing with your wet, pretty pussy got me hard. I’m jacking off to your picture.

Would you want me like I want you?

Fuck yes, sweetheart. I probably want you more than you want me.

I slip a finger inside my pussy and moan. My thumb runs fast hard circles on my clit, and I’m soon pushing in two fingers. I’m fucking myself crazy, but I imagine Jason is finger fucking me because my fingers wouldn’t get me off so fast.

And his fingers are thick. His hands are fucking huge!

I bite my bottom lip. “Fuck...I can’t believe I’m going to do this,” I whisper to myself. I snap another picture of my fingers shoved in my pussy, and how I’ve gotten wetter. I send him the picture with the truth.

I need to cum so bad. I wish it was you touching me.

Yeah? What would you want me to do to you, doll?

Fuck that picture’s so hot.

I’d want you to finger me. Eat me out. Fuck me hard.

Jason sends me another picture of him stroking his cock but with his hand in his underwear. I can see a wet spot where his tip is; stained with his precum. I want a taste of it so badly.

Fuck I would baby. Your pussy looks so good enough to eat. I’d fucking eat you out until you can’t cum anymore. I bet you taste delicious.

Oh fuck…I’m so close. I want your cock so bad, Jay. You’re gonna make me cum…

Rub your clit harder baby. Fuck your pussy fast and hard with your fingers. Imagine they’re my fingers, baby. I’d fuck you so hard and deep. 

I want to see your cum, okay? Take a picture of that pretty pussy and show me what I did to you.

I do what Jason says. Behind his words, I can feel his authority. Even though I can’t hear Jason’s voice, just reading his words makes me burst like fireworks. My thumb rubs my clit harder, and I crook my fingers just right until I push against my g-spot until I cum. My orgasm is intense, and I force myself to snap a picture of my soaked underwear and fingers. I sent it to him with a lazy smile.

My phone beeps. Jason sent me a picture of his thick, juicy, cum covering his abdominal muscles. I smile a little with pride. 

Fuck that was hot, sweetheart. I needed that. 

Me too. Now, I’m sleepy. 

LOL, I’m tired too. Get some sleep, okay? We’ll talk in the morning.  

Okay…goodnight Jay.  

I roll over onto my side and shut off the TV. Pulling my UGG throw blanket over my body, I snuggle up to fall asleep. My phone beeps again. Opening one eye, I reach over to read the text message. 

Goodnight doll. Sweet dreams.  

[teacup-tai]

Top Five of 2020

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 (ish) favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

My lovely @the-starryknight thanks for the tag!  I’ll tag a few people, but you probably already did it: @ruinsplume @kasjophe @gallifrey1sburning @quicksilvermaid @prolix- @dazedandinked 

Right. This year was insane, I got stuck first half of the year in Ireland with only 2 friends close by, all my family in Brazil or Spain while I was writing my bloody master thesis (that is what I’m proudest of this year, but it’s not published yet, so won’t go in this list). I managed a lot of hard emotions in solitude, by myself, while reading drarry fics to keep afloat (great coping mechanism, actually!). And after handing my thesis and moving to Spain, I was feeling deeply empty. So I went back to fic-writing, after 2 or 3 years of not even looking at my old fics. 

It all started when I saw the posts for prompt claiming on the @hd-hurtfest  blog. To think how that post changed everything in my life is just bizarre. So I am very thankful! It has been a huge pleasure to go back to fic-writing and to re-embrace the HP fandom, mainly the drarry squad! To get to know so many lovely people and I’m forever grateful for that. 

Here is my Top Five:

hear me (with your whole body): (Drarry, E, 9k) this is the fic I wrote for the hd-hurtfest 2020. I saw @quicksilvermaid’s prompt and I shivered. It lured me so much I had the whole plot in my head as soon as I finished sending the claim. It was so hard to write it. Because the topic is very sensitive: open relationships, sexual mismatch, bad communication skills. I brought most of my bad experiences in all these sensitive topics as if I was purging it from my body while writing ‘hear me’. It was a very raw process of looking into my own still bleeding wounds, but very cathartic. And it was hard because it was my very first drarry (I love drarry and I normally only read drarry, but I’ve never felt confident enough to write it), so I was very nervous. And in bloody English xD LOL but I’m bloody proud of it. I wanted to write something real without making a show of blaming one of the parts, at the same time I wanted to use and unreliable POV (Harry’s) and to bring forth all those very uncomfortable realities of jealousy, insecurity of one’s sexuality etc. in a way people could relate to. I’ve never imagined the response to this fic would be so nice, and many of the comments drove me to deep reflection. I’m specially happy about this fic because after writing ‘hear me’ something cracked open inside of me, in my own personal-romantic life and also in writing. Like a small miracle. And then, I couldn’t stop writing anymore.

Rebel Rebel: (Sirius/Remus. E, 5k) heh, Wolfstar is my OTP *-* So writing this tiny fic with ‘there was no war’ prompt for the sirius black fest was a bloody delight. The feeling of exploring their youth, in the early 80s and the whole atmosphere of that time was exhilarating! Bowie’s concerts, HIV+ and Aids, queer community and old school crushes. Giving them a future and professions was fun as fuck. But the best part was making Sirius Black fuck around, wild and free, you know. Because he bloody well deserved it. I love the writing style I explored there, very influenced by Caio Fernando Abreu, one of my favourite Brazilian writers and it was just great great fun!

Dragons Don’t Know Paradise: (Drarry + Wolfstar, E, 40k+ WIP) I need to post 3 more chapters along this next few days.  I’m adding Dragons here because NEVER. IN. MY. LIFE I thought this story would come out of my head into the pages, and I’m so bloody happy, so bloody proud of myself. I cannot believe how much I’ve written in a month, about a plot that had some path in my head but never a shape, and how this all blossomed inside of me and how it’s coming out just brilliantly. I know I’ll think back at some point and think this and that are not great. But I think this fic is one of my best works, it deals with the queer community, with depression and acceptance, with HIV+ folk, and deep emotions. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of writing. And here it is, and writing it made me manage the fact that I wouldn’t be able to spend this xmas with my family, so I spent this last month with this characters and feeling the opposite of lonely. And to be able to write Harry having a family, you know, being raised by Remus and Sirius is just marvellous. I’m over the moon with wolfstar being great gaydads :D

Scorching: (Pansmione, E, 1.5k) first time I translated a Portuguese fic of mine to English. It was fun to do it, as it’s purely smutty smut and well, I love pansmione and it makes me greedy to go back to writing about this ship. I like how it turned out, but it’s not beta-ed so maybe it’s not great. But damn, I really like this Pansy. ^^

The Old Ways: (Voldemort/Walburga, M, 3k). So, I have a whole word document full of snippets on the Black family. As the Black family is my huge guilty pleasure (that’s why Tainara Black has been my pen name since 2005). I don’t like to think Walburga was only a mad pureblood bigoted woman, I like to think of her as being strongly magical and very sure of herself. Someone three-dimensional with knowledge of Dark magic of the old ways and a deep insanity that comes with legacy of pureness, but also with financial influence and  management of old wizarding land. I realised Walburga is only 1 year older than Voldie, she is closest to his age than her husband or brother (if we follow the Balck Family Genealogical Tree), and this sparked a whole idea inside of me. So this fic is a character study of Walburga when Sirius is only 10 and Voldemort is organising a war, and I honestly think is one of my best fics (even though it wasn’t beta-ed). I loved writing about this powerful witch, that got stuck in keeping her bloodline alive, that gave up on great deeds of power and freedom to become a pureblood mother and wife. But it’s the fic no one reads, so I’m adding a bit of it here in hopes it may interest someone:

He climbs the last step of the noisy, rusty, winding stair, his eyes mapping the place in silent wonder. The rooftop is sombre. Rough grey cement floor and dead flower beds in a far corner, big dark clay pots with dead branches and dry bushes scattered around; the only living thing is an imposing carnivorous plant, it’s toothed lips opening and closing sharply around bugs and other insects.

She is right there, in the centre of the chaotic rooftop garden and he thinks the house is in shambles, and so is she. The moon is reflecting its cold brightness over her as if it were a stage light. He takes a second to contemplate her stance. He has never seen her like this before. It is such an incongruous sight it almost feels like he’s intruding. Is not a feeling he’s used to.

She’s perched in a high frail copper chair, her ankles crossed lightly, with pale bare feet against the dirty coarse floor, one white arm falling languidly from the armrest, her elegant fingers holding a thin long smoking pipe. Rings of smoke rising into the night sky. The back of her skull resting on the back of the chair, he can’t see her face from this angle, but he’s stunned by the imagery.

She looks almost mythical; with her long black mane messy and loose, barely touching the ground. He can’t remember when was the last time he’s seen her hair down, but he’s pretty sure it wasn’t that long, nor were there silver strikes colouring it in a mix of salt and pepper.

“How long do you plan to stare?” her voice is as rusty as the whole house and he scoffs.

keep reading

[zukkaoru]

top five fics of 2020

i was tagged by @zukka-soulmates to post my five favorite works I made this year.

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works  you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them  below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

(these are going to be in no particular order because i’m indecisive)

1. plum blossom

confession: i actually started writing this fic before i even finished watching atla for the first time. finishing this fic was what motivated me to finally watch the last few episodes (which i had been putting off bc i didn’t want it to end). i was expecting it to be around 5k words, but i just kept writing more and more, and i actually liked what i was writing while i was writing it, which is not always the case for me. it also got way more attention than i ever expected it to (at the moment, it’s my only fic to cross the 1000 kudos threshold and it has almost 200 public bookmarks, which is absolutely insane to me). before i wrote/published this fic, i’d always wanted to write one of those really long oneshots that ended up being 15k+ words bc i admired that people could even do that, so i’m proud of this fic for that reason. the other thing i really like about this fic is that while it is technically a zukka fic, i ended up spending a lot of time in it exploring the friendship between mai and zuko, as well as the friendships between zuko and many of the other main characters in the show, and i had a lot of fun doing that.

2. my calamitous love & insurmountable grief

i got a lot of comments on this one from people saying they were impressed that both the prose and the poetry parts of the fic were equally good, but honestly, i wasn’t too proud of the prose part. i am, however, pretty proud of the poems. my favorite line (which several people commented on) is definitely “could the world ever mourn for us, my love?” from hope wasn’t meant for us, and that was actually the first line i came up with for that poem. that poem was also the first sonnet i wrote that i don’t actively want to set on fire, so that’s cool too. i’m also a little partial to the end of star-crossed - “and i am only me” because i think it highlights how differently sokka views himself from the way other people (zuko) view him. sokka thinks he’s inferior to all his friends because, well, he’s only sokka. but only sokka has half the world leaders wrapped around his fingers and could single-handedly save or destroy the world if he just. realized. how important he is to the people around him.

3. it’s nice to have a friend

this was the first mailee-centric fic i wrote, and i wrote most of it all in one day. i think i’ve said this before, but this fic is one of the few that just. went exactly where i expected and hoped it would go, and i think accurately portrayed the tone and mood i was going for. i really liked the last scene in chapter three with the snow, and i’m also pretty proud of the ending line, which is nice, because ending lines are important to me and i have gotten stuck on endings so many times because nothing i come up with is good enough. also, the beginning of chapter two actually paved the way for the next fic on this list

4. (no sweeter innocence than) our gentle sin

this fic is a monster. i don’t know what else to say. it’s 25k words long and i wrote it all in three days, listening to chloe moriondo’s cover of take me to church basically the whole time. if that cover was on spotify, it would have made my spotify wrapped just outright embarrassing because i probably listened to that song two hundred times in the span of three days. it started as an exploration of how the agni kai between zuko and ozai might have affected mai and ty lee (hence chapter two of it’s nice to have a friend being the starting inspiration), but it turned into... i don’t know. twenty-five thousand words of me projecting onto all four fire nation kids. and i know people get bogged down by internalized homophobia and homophobic family because it’s depressing and it’s been done before, but i didn’t really write this for anyone besides myself, and people like me, who just want to know that they aren’t alone in what they’re feeling. and it took 25k words and i still wasn’t completely satisfied with it, but i think i got a pretty good start in showing what it’s like to grow up with family whose love you know is entirely hinged on their false belief that you’re straight, and in an environment where you’re essentially taught that if you’re gay, you have to choose between everything you’ve ever known and any shot at living, or falling in love.

5. when we all fall asleep, where do we go?

last but not least, we have what i affectionately labelled my sleep paralysis sokka one shot long before i even started writing it. this idea sat in my head for weeks before i finally got around to writing it, and in the earliest stages of the idea, it was going to be a zuko sleep paralysis oneshot. i’m glad i changed it to sokka, though, because i really enjoyed writing for him. i also might have forced myself into a position where i knew i would experience sleep paralysis before writing the very last scene, so i had some ~fresh~ memories in my mind as i wrote, and i think that scene had the most accurate description because of that. i would not recommend doing that to your mind/body, but... it did help me. (also i may or may not be thinking about writing a sort-of sequel to this that is kya ii-centric.. but i have many other wips to work on first)

tagging: @that-was-anticlimactic @tysukis @zukosaturtle-duck and anyone else who wants to participate! (of course, don’t feel obligated to if you don’t want to)

[unsettledink]

Back in the days of LJ, I used to try and do a post at the end of each year, looking back primarily at fandom and fic. I fell out of the habit when everything moved to tumblr, and then it seemed like I didn’t have anything to say since I wasn’t writing or really participating any. 

But I always liked the idea of it, because I love to be overly reflective on stuff. And talk about my fic. Any excuse! I shuffled around some of the topics I used back then and added a few I’ve seen around that I liked. It got… long, because I TALK, so I split into two sections. 

*

Your main fandom of the year? 

    Marvel (MCU) for sure. Primarily with characters from Spider-Man and Iron Man movies.

Your favorite film watched this year?

    The Old Guard - I saw a couple trailers and everything about it looked like catnip. ‘It’s probably going to be so dumb, but I don’t even care,’ I thought. And then it was so good. It was so much fun and so much smarter than I expected and I loved each and every character and it just made me happy in so many ways.

Your favorite book read this year?

    Red, White, and Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston - I read it twice this year actually. It’s so… cute isn’t the right world. Sweet and hopeful and soft and comforting and intense. I liked every single character which is pretty rare. I cried during the sad parts and then again at the happy ending, like straight up sobbed - both times. I already want to read it again.

Your favorite tv show watched this year?

    Schitt’s Creek - I started it on a whim and because a lot of people had said it was good. The episodes were short so it wasn’t a huge time investment. The first season was a little rough, but there were enough funny moments that I hung on, and then… I kept getting fonder and fonder of these idiots as they grew. And THEN… it kept not disappointing me? 

     You grow to expect certain scripts, twists, jokes, especially in queer story lines. To wait for the bad thing to happen, because it always does. Instead, Schitt’s Creek kept going, ‘hey, here’s the set up for that! Guess what? We’re not doing it. Here’s the happy version instead.’ The relief of having that happen again and again - the last season I’ve watched (I’m sort of saving 6) I cried a bunch but it was always because I was happy. 

Your favorite album or song to listen to this year?

    1896 - I’ve been waiting for the new Steam Powered Giraffe album so eagerly for aaaaaages. Finally getting recordings of Zero’s songs! Lying Awake remains my favorite off the album, with Eat Your Heart and Bad Days on the Horizon high up there as well. I’m loving what Zero brings to the band.

Your best new fandom discovery of the year?

    I don’t know if I really did discover that much? I stuck pretty closely to old fandoms and the ones I picked up in 2019. Maybe Zodiac? It was definitely inspiring, and I want to write and read more in it. 

    Maybe the couple discords I joined? I still really dislike discord and am not on there much, and mostly lurk when I am, but having somewhere vaguely like the comms I remember makes me feel a little less isolated. It’s the potential, that maybe if I said something I might make a friend, or someone might actually want to hear what I say. 

Your biggest fandom disappointment of the year?

    The Watch - I mean, I knew it was going to be a disaster with every word said during pre production. I wasn’t ever going to be happy with it. And then it came out and was even worse and uglier and … disrespectful not just of the source material but of actual people connected to Terry. I’m beyond disappointed that this is what we got, and it’s probably going to be a long time before we get anything else. 

    Devil All the Time was terrible, but I didn’t have especially high hopes. It still didn’t manage to meet them. Yikes.

The most missed of your old fandoms?

    Maybe MASH? Someone I follow started talking about it and I was reminded all over again of the wonderful fics in that fandom. I went looking and a lot are gone (still on my computer, lol, but not online), but rereading was such a trip. A slightly depressing trip, but still. 

The fandom you haven't tried yet, but want to?

    Hmm. I’ve kind of not had the energy to invest in other fandoms at the moment? When The Witcher was having it’s big moment back in January, I had a feeling I might enjoy it enough to fall headfirst into the fandom, so I avoided watching it. Ikr? I don’t have the time or the energy to actively seek anything out. 

Your biggest fan anticipations for the New Year?

    SO EXCITED about Winter’s Orbit. I mean, the third Spider-Man movie for sure, with worry. The second Venom movie, ugh yes. I have tentative hopes for Jungle Cruise? Jumanji was stellar and I always enjoy Dwayne. I have both hope and dread for the new Suicide Squad - I did love Birds of Prey, so if it’s along those lines, yay. The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard because it should be some fun garbage, my favorite kind. I don’t know how I feel about Dune, but, uh, I’m anticipating it. It seems highly unlikely it will actually happen, but The Wheel of Time TV series. 

I want to be excited about Black Widow but it’s hard. It’s not the story I’ve been wanting to see, and I’m angry about Natasha not getting a movie until she’s dead.

You know. If any of it is released for real.

The Good: 

I moved to a better place. I got a better paying, better benefits, better environment job that lets me work from home. The house acquired 3-7 more cats depending on the month. I was able to get some serious problems on my car fixed. I have insurance and was able to start on some health stuff. No one I know got sick or died. I wrote a LOT.

The Bad: 

Aside from the obvious? Depression hitting extra hard during the winter. Having to put two kittens to sleep. Have my car be hit three times in our parking lot. Being driven INSANE by one of the cats for months while the vets were all closed. Kidney stone. Dealing with several health problems. Stalling for months on Gotcha.

The Indifferent: 

Not leaving the house often or easily. Enjoying a new fandom but not doing great at making connections (still real awkward, bud). Raising kittens and saying goodbye. Need new tires. Reading a lot of fic but not a lot of books. Having more pay but more expenses as well (wth insurance??). 

*

2020 fic stats

Number of stories: 39

Number of fandoms: 6? Or 2, if you cluster the others under mcu

Total number of words: 152049

Average word count per story: 4kish

Longest fic: Causality (18k, P/Q)

Shortest fic: Can’t, Won’t (1k, P/Q)

Most comments received: Sieche (49, T/P)

Fandom you wrote the most of: MCU Spider-Man - I only wrote TWO fics that didn’t feature that fandom, wow. And one of those was still MCU.

Fandom you wrote the least of: Zodiac (1!)

Events you participated in: Marvel Trumps Hate, Kinktober, IornspidersGeorg Exchange, Starker Festivals Exchange, MCU Secret Santa, Spiderio Big Bang

*

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

    SO MUCH MORE OMG. I mean, even just counting posted stuff! (I probably wrote a solid 300k of Gotcha this year.) I did not expect or plan on doing Kinktober, so that’s a whole 31 fics right there. I also wasn’t planning on doing any exchanges - I have a History - but then I did three? And beyond that, I did not expect for everything to get so LONG.

Topic you wrote that you would never have predicted in January:

    Tony/Quentin. Goddammit @the-me09 They were like hey, they could be interesting! And while I agreed, I had no ideas for them. THEN they had to go and write Just Bodies That Collide and next thing I know, I’ve got ten fics featuring them and two-six series focused on them or Peter/Quentin/Tony. What the fuck. 

Leitmotif of the year:

    Vulnerability, I think. I had a bunch of things typed up and they all circle back to vulnerability in the end; sex, being seen, being wanted, sharing trauma, asking for help, trying something new. Offering a soft spot in the hopes it won’t be hurt. 

Favorite character to write about: 

    Tony Stark, for sure. There are just a bunch of slightly different takes, and a lot of canon to work with (kind of frustrating too though). And I’m a sucker for emotionally damaged snarky traumatized characters that are viewed poorly both in universe and out. 

Favorite kind of fic to write:

    This year? Fluff and smut combined. Maybe that’s not the right term really. I keep looking for and writing, even in the angstiest fics, for those soft moments. Sure, maybe it’s a super smutty kink scene, but I want the affection to be obvious. Maybe everyone is consumed by guilt, but I want it to be based in caring too much. Maybe there’s no real love, just sex and even that’s messed up, but I want to find that tiny bit of fondness. 

    And I want happy endings. Or endings that look like they’re going to be happy, at least, even if there’s all the angst first. I don’t think I’ve killed anyone this year? Who AM I? 

Biggest disappointment:

    Not finishing the rough draft of Gotcha. I was making such good progress in 2019, from August to December. Even after the move, I basically finished part 6 in January. I fumbled around and fussed with 1 a lot, but that had already been given one draft, really, and I got through half of 4 before I slowed to a stop. I’ve barely gotten anything accomplished on it since June. Bits and pieces here and there, but nothing significant, not like I was doing. I can excuse October, due to 80k invested in Kinktober (yikes!), but aside from that… I’m sad. I’ll finish it eventually, but I really thought I could have the first draft done in a year. I’m sitting at about 480k out of what I’m almost certain will be 700k. 

Biggest surprise:

    Kinktober! It was kind of spur of the moment, decided just a week in advance. I’ve tried month long or even like, 20-25 day long challenges and I don’t think I’ve ever completed one. I thought there was a good chance I’d do so again, so I gave myself a little help and made my own list of prompts, things I knew I liked and hadn’t done much of yet. And it worked? I actually completed it, what the hell? Despite spending five days travelling near the end! Despite falling behind in getting ahead and writing a bunch of stories the day they were to be posted! Despite apparently forgetting how to do short form! 

    I, uh, could have done without the spawning of eleven series or sequels or continuations jfc WHY SELF.

Something you learned this year:

    Ideas breed ideas. I swear to god, the second I sit down to think through a current idea, I wake up the next morning with three more. 

    Words need to be restocked. I need to consume new - not rereads, not fic - content every so often to refresh my word bank. It is astonishing how quickly writing goes again after I’ve done so.

    I can write so much more than I thought I could. I can do so much more than I thought I could. Yes, I can complete challenges without dropping out early. Yes, I can do exchanges and not regret it. Yes, I can write more than 100k, more than 200k, more and more - and I can write 10k+ easily too. Though I wouldn’t mind if I could once again write less than 10k without feeling like I’ve cut off in the middle. 

    My time is shrinking, and if I want to write as much, I’m going to have to make the time. I can’t rely on three days off a week, on seven hours of uninterrupted overnight shifts, on hyper focused writing binges that leave everything else around me on fire. 

Most memorable comment: 

    So, so many! I can’t pick one. I’ve been really lucky to get a bunch of really detailed, enthusiastic, analyzing comments across all different fics. One of the types that always sticks with me are the ones like ‘I didn’t think/know I liked this ship/kink/twist, but fuck, apparently I do? You made me, what the hell?’. 

What, if anything, are you going to try to do differently in your writing in the new year?

So with writing Gotcha but not posting until it’s done, my view of what I’ve written vs anyone else’s is extremely skewed. I’m sitting here thinking, hey I’m 400k in and got another 10k done today, so much writing! While anyone looking at my AO3 account (for most of the year) is like, you’re averaging three months between fics :(

    All that to say I want to try and get something posted more frequently while I’m working on Gotcha.

    Also, writing for kinktober was really interesting - pushing myself to write every single day, often for that day’s post, forced me to get back into shorter form fic. Which used to be all I did? But it was surprisingly hard to just stop and not write more. So I’d like to challenge myself to write more fics under 10k at least. Maybe even under 5k though that might be asking a lot lol. I might get there with the many continuations of those fics I’d like to do. Does that count?

Goals:

   I want to hit 365 fics. :) I’m only 32 away!

    Aside from writing - 

    I’ve really enjoyed the reading record sideblog I started this year. I’ve let it lapse a little the past month or so, but I’d like to keep it going strong. 

    I’d like to leave a lot more comments. I want to get better about allowing imperfection - I want to write The Best Comment, but in the end? Probably 90% of fic writers are going to be happier with a comment expressing enjoyment in any way over no comment at all. 

And not just on fics, but on general posts as well. It’s hard not to feel… weird and stupid and invasive and rude leaving any sort of comment on someone’s post if I don’t know them at least a little. I have godawful rejection sensitive dysphoria and a lot of interactions that ended poorly; I’m really not good at people. But as dumb as it feels to say those things, I know I am thrilled and warmed and happier when there’s a reblog with tags or a note or a comment or an ask or just, any small interaction that shows someone out there notices and cares, at least a little. There’s no reason I can’t at least try to offer that to other people. 

    I’d like to make/run a couple challenges of my own, later in the year. I’m still figuring out what I want to do and what I could do. I’m really interested in doing something that’s not focused on creators, but the readers; some sort of comment or rec challenge maybe.

    I want to find a cheerleader for Gotcha. I’m struggling to keep up my motivation to write it when it’s already in my head, where I can ‘read’ it any time. There’s a line between depending too much on external validation and trying to generate all your validation yourself, and I’m getting to a point where I think I need to ask for help (gasp! The hardest thing EVER). 

*

(Part Two: Pick Some Fics)

[perrypixel]

Bathtub Scene/Trollhunters Season 3 Analysis

Okay, it’s been 2 years since Trollhunters ended and I think I’m ready to talk about the scene.

For obvious reasons I’ll tag this post with suicide and suicide mention.

The first scene we get is when Jim pours the elixir into water and Jim drops the jar on the floor. You can see in eyes that he is unsure whether he should go through this or not. Jim hear’s Merlin’s words echoes in his head.

Pour the elixir into water. Emerge yourself into said water and presto! You will be born anew.

In my head I thought there was no way Jim was gonna go through with this

The next time we see Jim, Claire calls him on his cell phone, Jim sits in the toilet continuing to be torn between the choices he has. Jim let’s his phone vibrates. Jim looks down and stares at his amulet.

You need to become both troll and hunter…

You need to be more…

He looks at his reflection in the mirror, he remembers the first time he transformed in his armor. He was chosen. This is his call to make.

He has to do this.

The cell phone falls off onto the floor while it continues to ring.

He’s not answering them. 

Jim is about to enter the bathtub but he stops when he hears his mother calling him, banging at the door.

“Jim, are you in there?” Barbara bangs at the door.

He wants to go back to them, to his mother, and his friends.

“Jim, what’s happening? Please, let us in! Are you okay?”

Then you hear Jim saying “I’m fine, mom. You don’t need to protect me. I think this is what I was meant to do.” from when Jim brought Barbara to the Heartstone to save her. It’s like conversation between them in his mind.

He has to do this, it’s what’s he is supposed to do.

As the last sunlight Jim would ever feel dawns on him, Jim remembers when he went to the darklands by himself.

Perhaps a parallel between the last time Jim made a decision to do something by himself? Either way at the end, Jim did face Gunmar by himself.

“Jimbo, we’re a team! Don’t do this!” Toby yells and they cut to Toby at the other side of the door knocking for Jim.

“I’m sorry, I have to finish the fight…alone.”

JIM WHY!!?!? WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!!?

“Jim!” Claire yells

Claire. Jim thinks. He love her. He has protect the people he loves.

My amulet does not make mistakes

And of all creatures in our world, I chose you

Then there are these memories flashing with every single creature he had encountered in his his journey, troll, goblins, changelings...out of all then he was chosen.

Every single moment where he felt defeated but Jim persisted but continued to fight and won. Where Jim triumphed.

He was chosen, and there is a reason for that.

Out of all creatures in the world Jim has chosen something that others would be afraid of or wouldn’t even dare. Jim is scared. He doesn’t know what’s going to happened to him or how fast his life would change. He is losing a part of himself, and perhaps upon losing a part himself he might lose himself...

“They’ve freed Morgana!” Claire tells Jim through the door.

Jim want to go back to them, but after hearing that, if they have even the slightest chance of winning, Jim has to take it. Anything that will bring them one step closer to victory

He looks away from the door and steps into the bathtub.

This is it. This is when I realize he was actually gonna go through with it. I kept whispering to myself that he wasn’t gonna do it, but when he did, I begged for Strickler to open the door and stop him. I begged and I pleaded. But they didn’t make it in time. My heart utterly shattered into a million pieces for him.

Jim takes one last look at the world he knows. He’s scared, he’s afraid, but he has to this.

Blinky’s speech is going through his mind, pushing him forward telling him that he must go through with this.

His entire journey flashes in front of his eyes.

Every moment throughout his journey has come down to this.

This is for the people he loves. For his mom. For his friends. For every moment in his journey. For the world.

Jim closes his eyes and sinks into the bathtub.

Strickler finally busts the door opens and they all run inside the bathroom. But it’s too late.

“Jim!” there voices echo in the darkness.

Jim sinks into the deep black abyss.

He falls and falls

His amulet lights up; he’s in pain.

Strickler picks up the empty jar.

“What’s happened to my son? Where is my son?” Barbara asks Strickler who is in disbelief.

Claire and Toby are at the doorway. Neither can believe what just happened. They are in complete and total shock.

Where is Jim?

The light fades away

Jim continues to sink.

Then just darkness

You can hear Jim’s heartbeat and his breathing throughout the credits.

Is he coughing?

He’s breathing.

Then the episode ends.

I wiped the tears away from eyes and clean my nose.

A huge pit was in my stomach. Just an endless pit. My throat just choked up. I was eating a sandwich, I didn’t want to eat after that. In my head just thoughts running through my head. My chest had this agonizing pain that lasted for days.

I felt angry, frustrated and depressed. I just wanted to scream at the world. I felt like a lost a friend. It feels like a lost someone dear to me. A character I have related to, A character that hold near and dear to my heart. A character I would protect because I know he'd do the same for me. And in the show he did...

He saved everyone...

I finally broke down sobbing on the kitchen floor after I saw the sunset. I thought, “Jim Lake Jr can’t enjoy the sunset why should I?”I was so angry because it felt unfair. Jim deserves everything good in this world.

I questioned EVERYTHING. I questioned about myself. What was my purpose? What is my destiny? Why am I here? People think this is a joke how painful this was, well it isn’t, I was serious. All those posts about me being sad over Trollhunters are serious. I stared at the wall for the next couple off days.

I thought I could handle any angst Trollhunters was willing to throw at me. I was WRONG. I was so wrong. Never in a million years, I would have never imagine THAT.

Jim Lake Jr. a 16 year old CHILD had to make the biggest life changing decision in his life. I was 17 when season 3 was out, seeing a kid my age go through that was insane. That pain in my chest lasted for DAYS. Couldn’t stop thinking about this for WEEKS. And for MONTHS I wasn’t able to rewatch Trollhunters season 3. When i did I stopped at In Good Hands cuz I could not watch it again. Sometimes I would skip A House Divided altogether.

You know the more I think about it, the more I realized I couldn’t think of SINGLE way that better conveys the emotions and tells the story of what happen to Jim. The parallels of the scene that strongly suggest suicide, but the thing is, Jim didn’t kill himself, only a part of himself was lost. And through those parallels we felt what Jim really felt like.

Every single scene and detail was thought out so perfectly. The music absolutely breathtaking, from starting out as this ominous background music then gradually transforming into this heartbreaking music that further cut my soul in half. The lighting is stunning, having the last of the sunset’s light hit Jim in a heavenly way, like an angel because Jim is one. The sun setting as the day ends and when Jimhunters begins night arises which can be a metaphor for Jim’s transformation. The animation always so fantastic, but this time, I knew what Jim was thinking through his eyes, I saw fear, uncertainty, and indecisiveness. I saw fear in everyone who was at the door. The scenes they have chosen to play in the scene to have perfectly paralleled to what the characters where saying and thinking. Those scenes that were chosen only further proves how the visual effects of the show is beautiful are and with how stunning the dynamic shots and effects are.

Even after 2 years, I haven’t met a single animated feature that would come close to this.

Trollhunters taught me the true meaning of bittersweet is. When the final scene ended, I was happy that they finally defeated Gunmar and Morgana, but I felt like they lost so much more than this victory. Jim’s life changed overnight, Toby was left behind and separated from his closet friends, which was the final blow to my heart. It felt unfair, but then I realized we felt exactly what the writers wanted us to feel, how it feels like to lose, but get up and win.

James Lake Jr lost a part of himself, but he moved forward and won.

He did it.

Jim did win.

And if he can, then so can I

[kimdaily]

Can you reflect on your experience as a popular bts tumblr blog? Maybe describe how it felt when you were at your peak in a fandom that was stanning a group that was beginning to dominate kpop vs how it feels now to still be present (and still fairly popular I assume! ) in the tumblr sphere of the fandom post bts blowup? Also what do you miss most from your early days on here? And what are you most grateful for now?

oh wow this is such a fun question djgndskgn ummm okay well

I looooooved being on tumblr, it was an escape from my reality and pressures of school and life. before this blog “blew up?” it was so fun and relaxing. I met soooo many amazing people, a lot of which I’m still currently friends with outside of tumblr/have visited/travelled the world with/stayed with/ have stayed with me, etc. it was incredible, it was such a nice welcoming community, I was able to just be myself, talk to fellow fans, create content, act dumb, joke around, meme, talk about serious things, have in depth discussions about so many things bts and non bts related. especially with being a blog for one of the least ‘liked’ or stanned members, it really meant that everyone who was following me was a namjoon stan and wanted nothing more than to just talk about him, it was like a tight knit community within a huge community. it was so crazy and so exciting to see the fandom grow with every comeback. that was my favourite time during entire time with this blog on tumblr. that was my favourite part. people who spoke to me were genuine and kind, they wanted to get to know me, the person behind the blog and also just treated me like a human lol which definitely changed drastically

then this blog really started to get a loooottt of traction, and as soon as I hit 10k, things really changed and it was never the same. as this blog continued to grow bigger and bigger, things became increasingly intense, and INCREDIBLY negative and just super stressful. as the followers continued to grow, the less people viewed me as an actual human who was doing things on here during my incredibly limited free time as my own escape and ‘fun’ time, and the more they treated me like, straight garbage? lol I was constantly being picked apart, everything I said was scrutinized, things I would say would always, without fail get twisted and people with do whatever they can to get whatever negative narrative they wanted. I remember me once saying it was none of our business to discuss the members sexuality and that we shouldn’t just assume their sexuality and to leave them be, somehow turned into me ‘pushing a straight agenda’??? and I was literally just dragged. which still to this day I still don’t understand how people somehow decided to take that out of what I said. I was always happy to speak to everyone and help anyone with any question they had but  at one point, despite me still trying my best, I was treated really poorly and like a literal like machine. if I missed something, or didn’t post something my inbox was always full of people yelling at me that this was my job and my job was to make things and keep the entire fandom updated with what’s going on. I also fully remember missing namjoons solo comeback because I was at work, and couldn’t be present to gif and make content, I got a shittttt load of asks telling me I was a horrible namjoon fan who doesn’t support him and stuff? like lol okay? what? or I would get yelled at if I didn’t respond to asks in a timely manner, because that was once again ‘my job’. my inbox also became google apparently. I would get hundreds of asks a day, with not a single person talking to me, and if I didn’t respond to those asks, I would get yelled at. I never really spoke about how many followers I had because tbh it didn’t really matter, I actually would often wish I was back to being a 5k blog and just having a good old time, I would get horrible asks about me being a bitch because this blog was ‘popular’ and that because it was, I was a horrible person?? or to just shut up because no one cares about me, or that I thought highly of myself because this was a ‘big blog’ which I still don’t understand, because I never acted differently throughout the years on this blog. I was always just myself. if anything I just became more closed off and learned to not bother speaking about myself/things going on in my life because I felt like people would be happier if I just did my ‘job’ even though this blog, was always just a personal blog that had a loooott of bts content, I was not like a dedicated bts blog. oh and I remember because I always was and still am a very blunt straight forward person, I would just speak whatever is on my mind, people would always misconstrue that as me being mean or rude. but anyway, I digress

I remember becoming incredibly scared to post, to say things, to do things because I was scared of continuously being attacked. I was scared to open my inbox, or my messages. like tbh even writing this I’m thinking “omg what if I don’t word something perfectly and people will get mad at me.” it’s honestly such a weird feeling to feel like you have to constantly edit yourself but also still trying to be yourself? idk how to explain it

but as much as I would crack and let all this shit get to me at times and publicly get upset, hurt or mad, I would also keep a lot of it to myself and just deal with the toxicity on my own, and just delete a lot of the messages or asks I got. because to me this blog was an escape, not just for me, but for everyone who followed me. I didn’t want people to come here and just see the negative shit constantly, I wanted them to continue to come here, have fun, and forget about whatever was going on in their lives, even if it was for just a few minutes. so even though that was no longer the case for me, I still wanted that for others. but it also got to the point that I was scared to turn off anon because I was scared of the potential backlash, but I also wanted those who wanted to be anonymous, who were not comfortable talking to me off anon to have that comfort in the anonymity etc. things just were really difficult, I always felt like what I was doing was wrong no matter what.

it also was very disheartening to notice a lot of other people only wanting to befriend me or interact with me because of the size of this blog. it kinda made it hard to become close to people after a while. people would make assumptions about me or literally hated me without even talking to me just because of the size of this blog.

there were so many times I wanted to delete this blog and make a new blog where no one knew who I was, just so I can start off fresh and relive the best parts of blogging in the first place. just have fun again. but I also didn’t find it fair to those who followed me, who relied on this blog for some sort of comfort. nor did I find it fair for me to lose something I worked hard on, and loved  

but on the other hand, there were SO MANY incredible people that followed me that made everything feel worth it. and I am so incredibly thankful and grateful for each and everyone of you. some of you really helped me when I was having some of the hardest times. some of the messages I would get had such a positive impact on me and my life. and like I mentioned before, I have met some amazing friends because of this site that are still some of my closest friends to this day. and for that, I will always be beyond thankful.

unfortunately I can’t say much about what has really happened on tumblr in the last like almost 2 years? I haven’t been around much and definitely would not consider this blog very if at all relevant haha in like mid? 2018 I kinda vanished from this site. I had a looooot of things going on in my personal life, like an insane amount of very complex, dark, hard, just straight up depressing things going on, and I was not able to deal with all of that, and the darkness of this blog so I left. I never meant for it to be as long as it has been, but it kinda just happened. like tbh part of me would love to kinda just open up about everything, though I did post a little something vaguely explaining what was going on with me. I know it didn’t make sense but I also wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to explaining what has been going on. I also know because of what has happened with me, I was a real shitty person to some people on here. I also feel terrible that I had over 100 messages I never got around to answering during this time, and the 600+ asks I have sitting in my inbox right now. I know I let a lot of people down. but I also would like to say thank you to everyone and anyone who tried to reach out to me or giving me their best wishes during that time despite me not responding to most of you. please know I read every single thing that was sent to me, thank you

like part of me wishes I never left, but I know I wouldn’t have been able to do both, I was barely able to even survive what is going on in my personal life. I really miss this blog, I miss making things, I miss interacting with people, I miss fangirling, I miss so many things about this blog. despite everything, I would not take any of it back. having this blog was such a fun and unique experience, for the most part at least.

some unique ass moments like the fact I made a goupchat for namjoon stans to have fun and interact with each other and befriend each other in a more accessible and less intimidating way than over tumblr and I think at the peak there was 300+ people in that chat. and that chat is I believe 3 years old and is still active to this day. or that I somehow was in talks with a lot of namjoon fansites and actually worked closely with a namjoon fansite working on things. or people recognizing me in public which I still find wild, meeting some of you at the concerts and hanging out. or being able to befriend people with the same interests as me, becoming close friends and travelling together/visiting each other, etc. or the fact that I was able to help some of you though out some dark or difficult times, or opening up to me with things you’d not feel comfortable talking to with anyone else. or being told I was the inspiration for some of you to do so many things, like going back to school, changing majors, seeking help, loving yourself, etc. or getting sent fan art of myself???? that was crazy! there are so many more things I could say, but this post is already so long, and I doubt anyone is even still reading haha. but I never thought things like that would have happened to me ever, but it did, and I will be forever so thankful to all of you. thank you, and thank you to everyone who was there or me during the ups and downs. I know I wasn’t always the greatest friend I could have been, thank you for accepting me for who I was, thank you for being there when I needed an escape, thank you for everything.

this whole post is probably so poorly written, but esdljgknx I tried, I know I’m leaving out soooooooooo many things that I could have said or should have said, but this is already sooooo long holy. plus I have to get back to working on my stuff, the reason I came out to this coffee shop I’m sitting at right now haha

[anaffolie]

not okay. (chaotic thoughts about bulimia and mental health)

There’s this thought in my head, which doesn’t seem real, but for some reason it won’t go away and I didn’t feel this way for a long time...”I want to die”. I even said that to my friend after we successfully finished our final exam, mid conversation I suddenly said “I just want to die”. I don’t think my best friend even gave it a second thought or made a mental note that I said that. I don’t blame her.

I am bulimic. There I said it. This is me typing and saying this words and making it real. Before this I would treat it as something I do...I have orthorexic tendencies, but it’s so stupid I will throw up a cookie because it’s unhealthy but will smoke. Judge me. I know that’s stupid. I work out, I care about myself, I want to live a long healthy life, but I smoke, stress myself out, and purge. This doesn’t make sense. Yet this is so unlike me, because everywhere else I’m A-type, I try to be the best friend, daughter, student, employee, girlfriend (when I used to have a bf...that’s a whole other story, abusive boyfriend who fucked me over, so cliche right?). I feel an incredible amount of pressure 24/7, even when I’m sleeping.

My thoughts are very unorganized, I am struggling a lot right now. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. This is the 7th day in a row that I’ve binged and purged. My insides are hurting, my throat is burning, my face is so pale and under-eyes are blue, bloodshot eyes, extra veiny hands..My old scars on my wrists tend to show up more for some reason and it’s hard to look at them. Bulimia is disgusting. Eating disorders shouldn’t be glorified. It’s literally gross.

My best friend who at the time had moved from the country while I was still back home (and not in the US) had come out to be about her bulimia. I did my best to support her, I was trying to help...But I didn’t understand it. Now I do. And she’s the only who knows, but I feel like she doesn’t get me either. Because we are still far apart from each other. But I’d expect her to be more supportive...She never said anything wrong, it’s just that whenever I had the courage to say something about my ED, or tell her that I’m not doing so well..I get a feeling that she doesn’t really want to talk to me, or hear me out..She probably has a lot on her plate and can’t be there for me at all times...I don’t know. It just sucks.

I had decided that I’ll be good today. I had a good start to my day. Went out to lunch with my friends (they are amazing, but I don’t know what a friend is at this point) after school, and I ate like a normal human being, stopped when I was full. Then I decided to go work out because it’s been a week already, but I ended up staying in because it was super windy outside I was cold and shaky, and the previous I had got caught in the rain, I was soaked and cold for hours since my commute from work back home takes literally two hours. That being said I was feeling very weak, headache, even a little feverish, so I didn’t ended up going to the gym. I went grocery shopping instead to keep myself busy.

My body image has been terrible lately. I’ve been heavier but I feel my heaviest. I hate my ankles, hated them even when I was underweight, they always take away from my legs looking thin no matter how much weight I lose. I thought lifting weights would help me gain confidence. It did not. I did it the intelligent way. But I developed arm muscles, my arms and shoulders were the only parts of my body that actually looked thin at the time, not anymore...ah whatever. My bulimia is not even about being skinny anymore, I’ve cried enough over how much I hate my body. I remember as a teenager just breaking down over my reflection, stretch marks, cellulite, blue veins on my fat pale legs, hair, ingrown hair, goose bumps, surgery scars...

Anxiety has been through the roof. Even if I’m being productive and working toward a certain goal, there’s always some other problem bugging my mind. I feel like I’m falling behind, missing out, disappointing everyone around me.  Like even right now I feel so guilty about writing this post instead of going through my emails, or looking for an internship (what’s the point of trying, no one wants a part time international student on an F-1 visa in NYC anyway right?), coming up with yet another plan on how to postpone my graduation to buy me some time to stay here for a little longer (I don’t wanna go back home, I don’t have a home anymore. I never had one). There are so many parasites in my head, I feel like I’m going insane. There is clearly something wrong with me, I type this and think what a fake ass fucking bitch I am. I was crying on the train the other day, it’s so hard for me to actually cry I get excited when tears come out of my eyes. I feel relief after crying, but that’s a luxury nowadays, I’m too numb emotionally.  Maybe if I keep writing this posts, I’ll go through every demon one by one... I just hope someone reads this, please let me know that you did...I’m just feel so alone in my struggles with ED, depression and bipolar, it’s really hard for me to write this. I feel fake even though I know this is not fake, this is what’s constantly on my mind.   

[awkwardplantwrites]

I haven’t written yet, but I do have a lot of ideas to go off now. unfortunately, a lot of involves re-writing stuff. on the one hand, I don’t want to be stuck on the same chapters, but on the other hand, I just Won’t be able to continue unless I add it in. I know a lot of people say “just write, don’t edit” but those aren’t the rules bc there is none and I can do what I want. (pls fix? no being stuck!!! only edit!)

here’s a long post about things I’m planning on adding, as well as headcanons about my own damn story because I’m stuck in fanfic mode forever.

lots of spoilers ahead! 

a horse motif for Renato: I remember when namme-e made the posters, one had a horse on it, which I reckon is a common association with knights. so far there have been 2 horses (well, one is a Kelpie, but it’s a water horse shh. I also found out Northumbrian folk/where Llantry is based call them Brags!) and there will be more horses later in the story. they’re recurring anyway, so why not use it. 

and upon looking at it’s symbolism, I realised that horses are very duty bound creatures, like Renato is to the people of Llantry, they symbolise war/battles - which can bring in memories of his dad, and in comparison to the first horse (which dies in chapter 5... some unintentional symbolism there) Isbeil the Kelpie is much more free and independant and they’re at the Fun part of the road trip, and the Nukelavee (even more dangerous than kelpies) later on will be wild/untamed right about when Renato’s emotions will be in turmoil... you see where I’m going with this :D :D other contenders for motifs include: hands, mirrors/reflections, his shield/armour, dragons. swords are more of a precision tool for magic than a weapon in this universe so that wouldn’t work as a motif.

a candy motif for Pepi: you thought I made him a candy merchant intentionally? no. not at all. except now it is. candy represents good memories, childhood, rewards, pleasure, reminds him of his dad’s business, responsibility in maintaining the business, his family, his lack of magic/inability to make candy, having to do Tammy’s chores for her, and just Tammy in general I guess. 

in the beginning I remember him being enthusiastic about it (if he’s not I’ll add it in lol), singing about it and complaining about being “a candy delivery boy turned overworked squire” and even from that you can tell he already has a complicated relationship with candy. he can’t make it but he sells it and hates selling it but when he talks/sings about it it attracts people, especially children.. perhaps engaging his own inner child too... in chapter 3 Pepi mentioned he was down to two bags, which means he held onto them despite selling out the rest... representing that he’s still holding onto his past even though it’s in the past and gone... and one day he’ll run out and it won’t be in his control and he won’t be able to get any more unless he goes home... which means FACING HIS PAST. so I’m thinking, if he becomes more neutral to it that’ll show how he views his past more healthily? then eat fruit instead?? idk.

magic based on senses: kind of ATLA inspired, but with the 5 physical senses (and a spooky 6th). as I started writing this I realised I probably based their powers depending on which god chose them, for example Lidion is the god of protection, so Renato gets protection based powers. but y’know, I had another idea as I wrote this lmao, what if the regular civillians/people born with magic have sense based magic? not sure if it’s a little ambitious to have 2 entirely different sets of magic. maybe the god powers can be based on senses too. initially the magic was based entirely off of DND classes (Renato’s a paladin and Pepi’s a wild magic sorcerer) but I think I’ve found something more original haha. or perhaps I accidentally moved onto Greek god/Percy Jackson-esque powers. crap. research says scottish mythology is kinda like Greek myths anyway: that’s a win in my book. 

changing Finlay from a floating crystal ball to a bird: introduced in chapter 2, and EVERYTIME I WRITE I FORGET ABOUT FINLAY. it’s like a personal meme at this point. so anyway I took a “what core type are you quiz” a while back and Pepi got adventurecore after I chose bird as his inner animal. making this change will make sense because a) Pepi can talk to animals and this will foreshadow it, b) he likes music and this might be his magic type..? c) Disney needs a mascot character if they’re going to make FM a movie

I just read some bird symbolism and GOD I want to make Finlay a chicken, since it symbolises finding inner power, getting over fear and also it’s very funny to me. or a duck since that symbolises decisiveness and leaving the past in the past. see there’s a lot of things I can do here. but is there such a thing as having too many motifs? I just read that you CAN have more than one, so yes, Finlay will now become a duck. 15 year old/duck obsessed me would be very happy.

empahsizing the illness: plural illnesses actually. Llantry’s illness is actually depression - which they didn’t know bc this is set around the 15th century and the gods forgot to tell them about it or something - caused by overusing their magic, the death of Renato’s dad (public morale figure), poverty, and y’know the middle ages in general. I feel like Renato’s way too upbeat, especially in chapter 4 when they’re running away from the Wakefield Knights. before now I was trying to weave in mood swings which would affect his behaviour and therefore the story. admittedly it’s very difficult, as what they’re doing generally requires a lot of energy and the tone is usually light. someone suggested having his depression be worse when the situation is worse, which I probably will do, but I still feel he could be more low-key. I really, really didn’t want to use the “happy and sad duo” trope, I wanted them to be more or less equal in demeanour. though if I want to portray his depression and distinguish them both it’ll have to be exaggerated I suppose. 

the second illness, Pepi’s anxiety. or well, it was initially anxiety but it’s starting to look more like OCD (that’s self projection for ya). some of my readers already figured out he can do magic, however it’s not that he doesn’t realise it. he casts spells in his sleep and thinks it’s his “evil self” (that idea is still TBC), and he sneaks off in the morning because he remembers sleepwalking and cleans up his mess. and to avoid making it look like schizophrenia, I’m planning to write it so it’s obvious he’s just very in denial about being able to do magic, because later it’s revealed he’s scared to use magic, because he doesn’t want to end up like his sister who became possessed by an evil being and abused magic, which for him is both a rational and irrational fear. avoiding magic could be considered a compulsion since he has intrusive thoughts about becoming evil. 

so I did already plan for him to gradually get more restless and uneasy, he’s supposed to be seem energetic bc he runs solely on anxiety. in my head I was thinking of quirks, and realized him hoarding stuff in his pockets “in case he needs it later” and his insane amount of GUILT, and all that felt pretty OCD. so why not: he’s got OCD. possibly PTSD too.

the idea for Finding Magic began as “magic takes part of your soul, 2 wizards search for help as their magic stops working”. I still have the exact post it note I wrote the first idea on. for this story I have 2 countries, 13 semi-developed towns, over 30 characters. (yes, not Tolkien numbers, but I’m not Writers George) and the reason I wasn’t able to write about ANY of them for the past 2 months is because my brain spirals and ruminates over miniscule details that readers will never know. also because I lost passion, was too tired to develop characters I needed to develop the story to finish the first draft... but now that the passion is back: I’m writing this at 5am, which is reminiscent of the first day I came up with FM, back then called Journey to Magic, where I couldn’t sleep since I was bursting with ideas. 

I guess this is what I find fun, analysing and improving and brainstorming. so while I might not have chapters written down, they’re pretty damn clear in my head and as you can see, I can talk up a storm about my story despite it not existing :D

[goat--ish]

Probs not a proper one-shot

I’m not really part of the fandom so come and take this nonsense from my clammy hands, please.

It was funny to write this even tho it probs makes no sense and has like 0 consistency but I tried (and laughed all the way to the end). Main two ideas come from @kkrazy256  (Kaito taking photos from himself) and @ninthfeather (Kaito knowing about the “Shinichi is Kid” theory) (+ an anon)

It’s kinda long so Imma put it after a read more or whatever. Also, sorry if it cant be read, english is hard

Kaito loved having so much attention. He craved it every time he went on a heist and people -his audience- would be there, waiting for him and his magic.

He loved the idea of having fans and having people wonder about his tricks with every heist. There was something so addictive about it and he wasn't even going to reflect on why he needed someone's attention so much, on why he desired it with almost every fiber of his body.

He was a thief, or that was how the police call him. He wasn't even sure himself since everything he had taken had been returned a few days later, maybe he didn't have to keep something and the act of taking it by force was what made a thief, well, a thief. Still, there was the fact that he didn't keep any of the jewels and, even when her mother was sending him money pretty often, he was a teenager living alone that made the occasional and normal bad choice to buy something expensive leaving him without money to pay for electricity or water, and also a famous thief that needed lot's of materials to actually do some acceptable magic tricks to entertain HIS people.

Maybe he had Aoko helping him with the food and the old man did most of the planning for the heists -and got most of the things Kaito needed-, but he needed money and didn't have the courage to ask for more to his mom. He did say he was going to be Kid with so much confidence, he felt like asking for more help would be cheating.

So yeah, he needed money.

The idea had occurred to him a few times but it wasn't until he checked the news of his last heist that struck him that it might be a good one. Kaito knew the heist hadn't been his best one and was nervous to see what his critics and audience was saying about it. Had it been as bad as he thought? Hadn't he been as astonish as he wanted to be?

Of course, the police was bragging his good work to the world, how the police were so awesome that they stopped Kid from getting the diamond he was after. What caught his attention was the comments section at the very end of the article, where some of his fans were complaining that Kid deserved that diamond even if his game wasn't as good as other occasions.

That was a bullet to the heart and if it wasn't for that one comment he would have gone to sleep for the next three day, feeling depressed and guilty. Between the madness that was the comment section, there was one comment of how someone not just wanted, but was ready to pay and kill for a good photo of his favorite phantom thief.

Kaito had seen the insane amount of photos people had taken of Kid during the last years, most of them being just blurry figures or a stain of white between too much light. There was the occasional photo taken by a professional but even those were images of Kid being too far away to have a proper look to his suit.

The idea was too good to let it slide and never do something about it. Of course, he wasn't so sure about it but his ego wouldn't shut up about how people would love a proper photo of Kid, of him. That's why the next heist he made sure to not only prepare everything he needed to steal the jewel but also prepared a few cameras on strategic spots that he was sure would take his best angle.

At the end of the night, Kaito had the jewels and a dozen of photos that didn't quite looked like he wanted. They were dynamic and definitely made Kid look as awesome and handsome as he felt but there was something bothering him and didn't know what.

It was until he got to his house that it clicked.

The photos were great but the quality of the camera made them look fake, or almost fake as if it was someone cosplaying and not the real phantom thief.

Perhaps it was better that way, wouldn't it be too much of a joke if The Kid was taking photos of himself to sell them? It was a silly thought now that he considered all the things that could go wrong with that, so this was perfect.

So he logged in with a temporary account in a definitely trashy webpage and put a price tag to the photos, still unsure if this would be a good idea. The first hour he got an incredible number of five comments, five people telling him that the photos were fantastic but that they were too broke to purchase any of them.

Three hours after, Kaito was still in front of his computer feeling dumb because no one else had shown any interest. He was ready to delete the post when he got his first client.

It was his first sell so he wasn't as cautious as he normally was. The person was happy to give him money and he was as happy to receive it, so the process was pretty normal but at the end of it, Kaito felt his ego go up a few hundred times. Someone had purchased one of his photos and gave him a tip. This was a good idea, he could feel it.

And that's how he started entering the same webpage over and over again, selling his photos and slowly gaining fame between the usual users and even others that came into de webpage just to buy a photo from him. Of course, he took more precautions so he couldn't be found and still get the money.

Every time there was a heist, people would go directly to the page, knowing that the mysterious photographer would put at least a bunch of photos and would delete them after three hours, going into hiding until the next time Kid appeared. Until he didn't.

After months of doing the same, Kaito thought of something that was so painfully obvious and was surprised that he didn't think of it before. People thought he was a specially good cosplayer and others thought of him as a really sneaky photographer, and even when there were a few people that considered him suspicious there was nothing they could use to prove he was the real thief. So what was stopping him from going to a dark alley and take photos of himself dressed in Kid's suit and sell those? Just his lack of brain cells, he thought.

So he did that. Kaito took a camera, went to the highest place he could find so the city and the moon could be seen on the background and took as many photos as he could of himself doing magic tricks, possing and being overly flashy for the camera, thinking of how much his fans would love to see these.

A lot of his usual clients, the ones that always made sure to buy him at least one photo every time he appeared, lost it when he announced that he would open a permanent account so he could sell those pictures.

It was entertaining, to say the least. He was getting a little more money and was able to get out more with Aoko to show how grateful he was for always been there for him (not that he would tell her that).

Still, Kaito didn't come into real contact with his fans until the day one of his usual clients told him they used the photo as a cover for a fanfic which, to his surprise, was getting famous inside the fandom. Curious as he was and wanting to bust his ego a little more, Kaito made the conscious decision to read the whole thing at 2 a.m. which was a monster of 45,000 words, two side fics of 20,000 each one, and a one shot with the alternative ending for the main fic.

He didn't sleep for four days.

Yeah, the story had many mistakes of what really happened during the preparation stage of a heist and Kaito was sure he wasn't a middle age man with a mansion and copious amounts of money, but he was, in fact, as awesome, handsome, and cool as the author wrote him and was willing to read more.

He felt silly sitting in front of his computer in search of stories about him from the point of view of complete strangers. Kaito could feel his cheeks heat up while reading the titles of some of the stories he found on a new webpage.

Was he being too narcissistic? When was too much? And why were there so many stories of him with Shinichi Kudo as secondary protagonist?

Kaito felt irritated at the sight of that name. Why was the detective on so many fanfics that were supposed to be about Kid? He scrolled down, finding more and more about the detective and himself on so many fictional worlds. Somehow he felt betrayed by his fans.

It took him five more web pages and three hours to understand why his fans had betrayed him that way, and it was a hilarious reason, to be honest. Most people knew how often the phantom thief had dressed up as the detective so a lot had come up with the theory that he, Kaito Kid was, in fact, the young detective Shinichi Kudo.

Wasn't that fucked up or what?

There was a fair amount of people that wrote about them because they had confronted each other several times, but most of them believed with all their might that Kid was the detective and, even when he laughed out loud on the privacy of his room at 1 a.m., Kaito also felt as if he was being robbed of something. He wasn't sure of what yet, but he made a mental note to torture a little bit more the detective the next time he saw him for stealing... something?

Yeah, no. Scratch that. He wasn't going to do anything stupid on a heist just because of a bunch of people that couldn't see that Kaito Kid was way too cool to be that detective. What he did do was to enter the thread and create mayhem between the users on the chat for a few hours.

And it became a daily thing, which didn't make things easier for Kaito because now he wasn't only a teenager that was trying to not fail school because he forgot to do homework or a famous phantom thief in search of a miraculous diamond, now he was a famous (well, maybe not famous but recognized inside the fandom) photographer, an avid reader of his fans' stories (he wasn't even going to deny how narcissistic that was, but the kids could be really good at their fantasies and he wanted to see more of it) and a troll that couldn't keep one damn user name because the wars he started were that intense, and yeah, he needed a break or something.

However, he would be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying himself. Yeah, maybe Aoko kept telling him to stop going to sleep to untold hours of the night because he was starting to look like a real-life zombie, but it was so worth it to see people trying to take his "Do you think Kid uses women underwear?" and "I have proof that Shinichi Kudo is a loser" threads seriously and ending up on wars that lasted at least a week.

To be fair, while a fair amount of people just wanted Shinichi to be the phantom thief for the drama and the angst, there were a few users that actually had good arguments while discussing the theory. They weren't as good as some of the arguments that Kaito could think of but were reasonable enough to shut up the chat for a few minutes before anyone saying something else.

Weeks of being on those types of forums made him develop a weird respect and admiration for those users that came into the madness willingly and tried to put order in hell. It was something he crushed almost daily but it was something impressive to see.

That's why the day he was trolling an especially cocky one, he felt... weird.

The kid was being way too smart, they didn't have the confidence of a hardcore fan or a know-it-all gal, they talked as if they knew of what they were talking and that made Kaito feel vulnerable for the first time in his new happy place. Most of the time the users would have an excellent logic but lots of errors in their final answers; this person didn't give long answers like the others but everything they had said on the last twenty minutes was right and that made him paranoid.

It wasn't the first time he ended a conversation with the old and trusty "Bold of you to assume I can read", but it was the first time he did when he still had time to kill.

That kid... It wasn't only that everything had been right but some of those things were things that no normal person could know, they had to been there to know those types of things, so now Kaito was locked in his room wondering with a nervous smile who in the police force was wasting their afternoons rambling against little kids on the internet?

Kaito laughed a little with the thought. No, he didn't count, he was there to follow his fans and his fans only, he could stop whenever he wanted, he didn't ramble against twelve-year-old kids like a loser... Ok, he did, but he did it to get a laugh out of it and never in a serious way, so who was the clown that was doing it and why hasn't he saw them before?

He turned off his computer and got out of his bedroom, determined to let the topic slide for this time and go to Aoko's house to see if he could annoy her a little more before dinner, not knowing that he left Shinichi looking at the screen of his phone with irritation at the stupid answer the troll gave him. The detective decided he had had enough internet for a day and returned to the book in his lap, at least that was better than the nonsense he had seen for the last twenty minutes.

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[beyondtrendingnow-blog]

Wilfred (2011-2014) (US Version)

So many young pets burn out in Hollywood, it's crazy. - Jason Gann

Description

Dog is man’s best friend. It is a story old as time. But it is Wilfred who takes this idea to another level. Ryan (Elijah Wood) is a depressed man in his early thirties who attempts suicide. After realizing he plan failed, he answers the door to his new neighbor who desperately asks him to watch over her dog. Enter, Wilfred (Jason Gann). While the world sees and treats Wilfred like a dog, Ryan sees him as a middle age man in a dog costume. Whether this is him amidst a breakdown or perhaps purgatory is a question you will have to watch to know the answer.

The concept might seem either difficult to handle or stupid. It is a bit of both and never pretends it’s not. However it’s heart and comedy is the key to this show. Every episodes is a lesson, beginning with a serious quote from an influential leader/figure in the past. But the lessons are best done in the format of a human dog, whether it be him killing elderly patients or going to doggie daycare for the first time. Be prepared for actual emotional value at times. Each episode will leave you a bit sad, lonely and curious, but always laughing. And the question of whether Wilfred is real or not makes this show all the better. And no worries, there is a clear answer in the end. Though the end might not be what you expected.

Why Watch It?

The night it premiered years ago, I made my three skeptical siblings watch it with me, however I never had to ask them again because we all rushed to the TV for Wilfred those four summers. It managed to make everyone who watched it laugh due to the insanity of Wilfred and Ryan’s relativity normal adventures. It is one of those shows that you still quote years after seeing it. Too often it sits, waiting, abandoned, in my Hulu account, but as I wrote this post I re-watched a few episodes and they remained as funny as ever, it ages well. I even sent scenes to my siblings who could still reference the episode and plot line. We also realized what terrible siblings we were since we allowed my ten year old sister to watch this show. However she grew up on Family Guy instead of Spongebob, so she was doomed from the start. But heads up, it can be a little crude at times. 

Also, America needs to recognize the creative genius of Jason Gann, who not only pulls off the farcical character completely deadpan, but also is the creator and writer of the show. He is a underrated talent.

Iconic Quotes

“I don’t know Ryan. Why is the sky gray? Why is the grass gray? Why is a rainbow gray, gray gray, gray, and infra-gray?”

Wilfred reflecting on one of the greatest questions a Dog can have.

“The darkness is everywhere Ryan, you just can’t see it because the sun is an attention whore.”

Wilfred’s cheering up can only help so such.

Best Episodes

Respect (1x05)

Ryan forces Wilfred to volunteer at a hospice, where Wilfred’s dog physic powers go to his head a bit as he begins to “predict” the deaths of the patients. However it becomes clearer he is the one killing them. I promise there is a lesson to be learn in this episode. 

Best Character

Clearly it is Wilfred. The concept that he is a man in a dog suit never fades as you watch the series, which is what makes everything work so well. It is important to remember that dogs can get away with a lot more than humans, such as interrupting serious moments or kissing a neighborhood girl intensitly.

How To Watch

Hulu (has all four seasons)

YouTube (1.99 per episode)

Comment with your favorite Wilfred quotes!

And reblog if you would recommend Wilfred to others!

[sil9800]

My Swan Song...

To my dear friends, supporters, followers and all my #SPNFamily: Due to recent events over the past

month, both online and off, both positive and negative, it's become painfully clear the time had come when I needed to seriously re-evaluate my online/fandom life. With so much happening, and so many things to consider, it's taken me the better part of that month to come to any definitive conclusion; however, after an obsessive amount of self-reflection, many, many conversations with friends that genuinely care about and love me, and too many prayers and hours of contemplation to count, the time has now come to publicly share my thoughts with you.

As most of you know, I was recently blessed with an amazing, full-time, at-home job with a great company and a generous salary, plus benefits, and a fantastic boss to boot! It's a literal chance of a lifetime that is affording me the opportunity to regroup, re-focus, re-imagine, and rebuild every aspect of my life entirely! As such, it would be insanely irresponsible, ultimately stupid, and after years of prayer for just such an opportunity, I honestly feel it would be downright sacrilegious to do anything but devote myself entirely to the effort it will take to make this endeavor ultimately successful. Unfortunately however, as we've all learned from the show we love so much, success does not come without significant sacrifice. In this case, I'm afraid that means, effective immediately I am officially retiring from covering conventions online.  

Deep breath...

Whew! Ok, moving on... As I mentioned, the reasons for my retirement are both positive and negative, and related to events both online and off. Yes, my new job was indeed the main reason for it and would obviously be an offline and positive event, but it was not the *sole* reason and to leave it at that would be a disservice to the truth. The fact is, in addition to my job and the changes it will bring to my life, there have been negative events online that my decision was also greatly influenced by. Simply put, the level of hostility and toxicity in fandom today has exacerbated my depression and anxiety to the point that lately, I dread coming online and fear what I will see when I do - and I've been feeling this way for a while now. From *my* perspective, the negativity I have witnessed in fandom, though it's always been there to some degree, has grown exponentially this past year. And frankly, it's breaking my heart.

I thought about going into all the horrifying things I have witnessed and experienced this past year, but most of you know what's going on out there already, and those of you that don't have made a conscious decision not to expose yourselves to it, and I wanted to respect that. But part of me also wanted to shine a light on it in hopes of inspiring a change in the behavior of those that participate in it. In the end though, I honestly just came to believe there's just not anything I could say that would make any difference whatsoever anyway. So I will only say that in terms of my retirement, the negativity did indeed play a part in my decision. I *could* have just not covered Fridays and rolled back Sat & Sun coverage enough to maintain a good sleep schedule, but why should I keep exposing myself to all this negativity that keeps upsetting me so much? Then I thought about all the people that *don't* attack. There are so so SO MANY people that *genuinely* appreciate the coverage my team and I provide. THEY are the ones that have motivated me to continue doing this for so long. And I swear, I almost kept doing it just for them. I was thisfreakingclose! It BREAKS MY HEART to disappoint them and that was, without a doubt, the absolute hardest part about this decision. But I found my answer to this quandary while I was reflecting on my journey in this fandom thus far. My journey started the day I started by fighting, even if it was only for my own very existence and through allll the pain I felt every single miserable day of my life. Then eventually, through the acceptance and love coming from the fandom, I came to believe I really was enough; that I was worthy of existing, of friendship, and even all that love that was being offered. Then I was gobsmacked to discover I was actually, finally loving myself enough to accept a great opportunity without self-sabotaging it along the way. And today, I've come to realize that #SPNFamily, the *real* #SPNFamily, will always have my back. So I'm putting myself first for the first time in like, ever, and doing what's best for me, and I know in my heart y'all will understand, because that's just how awesome y'all are, and I can't thank you enough for it!

In closing, let me just clarify, I am not leaving fandom for good, I'm just not covering cons anymore. If you're just following me for con coverage, feel free to unfollow me with no hard feelings at all. But if you enjoy my TL between cons, I hope you'll stay as my TL will likely be more of the same, though admittedly, I probably won't be posting as much. It's not exactly earth-shattering news that Jared & Jensen are my faves, as are Sam & Dean, and I won't apologize for that to anyone, nor should I have to. For some unfathomable reason, some people seem to think that means I don't like other cast and/or characters. So, for the record, I plan to continue doing just what I've always done between cons: celebrate my faves, and anyone/anything else I personally enjoy, with respect to, and without negativity towards other people's faves.

Finally, I want to say thank you to ALL my current, and past team members! Everyone that has ever helped me cover these wonderful and fun Supernatural conventions all over the world!  I could NOT have been near as successful as I have without you!!!!!! I also want to say that I will always be grateful for this fandom and everything it has given me. You have no idea just how much personal growth I've experienced as a direct result of being part of this fandom. I'm looking forward to just being a regular fangirl again so I can reduce the negativity I see and block out the harassment I receive in order to maintain a healthy and uncluttered mind so I can focus on improving my life going forward. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for helping me get here! For the first time in my life, I can finally say, I've got it from here!

All my love, ~sil