#posting this because i’m being honest with myself <3 i am documenting that i am . scared

[scholarhect]

feeling weird but the only symptom that isn’t basically nothing and completely ignorable (headache, chest discomfort/perceived difficulty breathing, perceived heart fluttering a little, throat ache lol it’s literally either stress or something i ate. probably most of these symptoms are due to me freaking myself out) is feeling weird standing up & propping myself up, feeling heavy. which means i’m freaking out over… feeling fatigued at nearly 2 in the morning 🤔

[fly-away-flynn]

Hi! I figured it was time to talk after a long time of being quiet. For a while I posted LoTF smut. I’m aware and I’m sure many of you are too! That’s fine. I can see the comments you make about me, you can @ me, it’s fine. However, I think talking about it and being completely transparent right now is the best thing I can do for myself and for other people.

My account was Co-Run by @ask-the-feral-boys. The other @ is @lord-of-the-reblog. He is my friend in real life. He got me into the fandom by forcing me onto Tumblr. I was completely content to stay on Archive of Our Own and post SFW content, actually. However, he normalized and told me the fandom was okay with smut. He created the account with me, and was given the password. It was stupid on my part. I do blame myself for that. I am a docile person. He made posts on my behalf calling the fandom “horrible” or “immature.” He made posts that I would never make. The one about camping, I live with my father and haven’t seen my mother in years. My parents are divorced, but it was things like that that he could lie about for me. I hate drama to be honest. I hate making this post. I have PTSD and anxiety because of things in my past and so I figured letting him have control would be helpful.

If you read the Fanfic that was posted under my name, it seemed inconsistent, I bet! Even my typing style is different now. There were two authors. He was one of them. It was one of very many awful things he did to ruin my life, but the fandom hating me is the better option than Mickey hating me Haha. I also didn’t know any better.

He clearly talked about me behind my back. Which was unclear to me until recently, I thought he was my friend because most of the time he told me he supported me on his blog and everyone who hated me hated me because they just didn’t understand what I was doing. The only chapter I solo posted was Chapter 1. That is why the writing gets so drastically stylized later on. It isn’t mine. I was an editor. I made the document, and he wrote it. But he didn’t want it attached to his name, so he had me publish it.

Mickey hated me because it made him look good. It made him look like the fandom hero to have a friend who was so morally wrong. He led me wrong and villianized me so that he could be the good guy, because he hates being the bad guy. He has made considerably more life ruining accusations against me that are lies, like that I tried to assault him (Which I never did. I have a girlfriend of 9 months and he was making the claims 3-4 months ago), or that I would force him to read what I wrote. I stopped writing because I lost joy in it. I don’t find joy in things that are wrong. I figured out it was wrong once people sent me hate mail, you get the message after a while. That is why my change was a suspicious 180. I was in the middle of change long before it went public. Getting Mickey out of my life was what was hard.

I don’t expect much from this. For what it’s worth, most of you think I’m an adult. I’m actually a minor. This is the surface of what is going on with me and Mickey, just this blog. He has been inactive because I stopped talking to him and our friends in real life isolated him for his behavior. I hope this explains some things. I hope you guys know that this was sort of forced out of me because you won’t stop talking about me. I would like to please be left alone now. Thank you.

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

my fic-writing process, by me:

1) open google doc. format the google doc how i like it. (”add space after paragraph”!) feel great dread. no. cannot do it. never. it simply won’t happen.

2) write a few sentences. start to kinda be feeling it. jump all over the word document scribbling bits of every scene in no particular order as the idea comes alive. most sentences are half words and half “_______” (which means i’ll get back to it later when my brain works better).

3) get so entirely all-consumingly immersed that i don’t quite exist any longer and i know somehow that while i might look like me on the outside,  my REAL identity is the characters i’m writing about. (extremely normal.) at this stage i am incredibly annoying to be around irl because i’m like 30% there max, but my heart lives in the google doc with my fictional counterparts. getting pulled away when i want to be writing is a unique kind of mental misery that i can’t quite get a handle on experiencing with dignity. while writing, i probably make all the facial expressions i’m imagining the characters making and sometimes talk to myself aloud. (extremely normal again.)

4) revise-as-i-go for one trillion hours, throwing in new scenes at random like they’ve been there all along. writing something in chronological order? that could never be me.

5) make sure to fill in all the “________”s. there are always more than i remember.

6) realize that i think i’m done!!!!! oh my god!!!!!!! other people are gonna see this!!!!!! other people are gonna go on this journey with me!!!!!!! other people are going to FEEL how i FEEL!!!!!!! i’m not going to be alone anymore with this symphony of emotions!!!!!!! (this is the point where i should let my fic sit for a couple days before posting, but i never, ever do. the idea of other people besides me being able to witness its existence is too tempting!)

7) read once through but not in the most stickler-y proofreader way, if i’m honest.

8) grab some lyrics from the song that comes to mind first and slap ‘em on top as the title. wish i had a better and more thoughtful approach to titles.

9) create a draft on ao3.

10) read that through like three and a half times and fix all the weird italics.

11) POST, always knowing i’ve done so a little too soon!

aaaaaand 12) wait for comments in a state of keen, hyperaware, hyper-vulnerable emotional anguish. Suffer Forever.

this is my hobby!!!!!!!! for some reason.

[winchester-reload]

A letter to my Tumblr friends~

I don’t like getting personal- ever. Not online and not even really in-person (it’s actually an issue lol) I don’t want to come in here and dump any of my crap on any of you. But I feel like it’s a little necessary for this post, so bear with me while I rip the band-aid off really quick.

I rallied after the finale. Briefly - idk, maybe the anger helped, but I’m back to being pretty depressed about this today. And, I know, this is gonna come at me in waves. But today, today I just want to turn all the colors off somehow and walk around my apartment in black and white listening to instrumental music as blurry as Sam’s wife. I keep thinking about how reasons XYZ were apparently why Team Free Will didn’t deserve(?!?!?!?!)  to be happy and so I want to extrapolate and tell myself I don’t deserve to be happy either. Because, even though I always try to come on here and be positive, uplift people if I can. Show them how thankful I am that they’re here--that YOU, reading this, are-- the reality is I’m as much of a depressed mess of a human as you might expect an artist/writer to be (saying hi to all my fellow Dean-identifiers out there: heeeeeyyyy!) 

I feel things too deeply and too personally, and when I say I’m heartbroken, you can believe that means I am fucking heartbroken. 

This is a rough ride. One I feel especially ill-prepared for when the entirety of season 15 was building up to something that ultimately would get struck down by some of the shittiest, bootleg censorship a network could pull together. Which is why I also feel particularly guilty for being one of the people hyping the finale so hard. Supernatural burned me before. I knew better. I’m sorry about that.

But.

All of that aside, the truth is, the network was always our biggest Big Bad, since the beginning, and in light of recent (albeit) rumors and glaring actor silence, just the idea that the show tried so hard to give us Dean and Cas really means something to me. It means everything to me, actually. Because the thing is, Sam, Dean, and Cas can’t fight this Big Bad, we have to. And if the network won’t give them a happy ending on their platform then we owe it to TFW to give them a billion of ‘em on ours. So this is my love letter to you. Mourn what we lost on the show but don’t mourn the loss of Dean and Cas. Of Sam and Eileen, even. Go Tulpa them back into existence. Keep the fire for them burning. Bury episode 15x20 in a mountain of fic and art.

So, I guess, I want you to know that I’ll be here helping. I truly loved Dean and Cas when I got here 10 years ago and I truly love them still. I don’t think my heart can leave them. Bad ending or not.

*Oh, and just as an FYI I will deflect that we ever had this honest conversation re: me in the future. You don’t need to come say anything - in fact, please don’t. I will get profoundly awkward and no one wants that. Just put it in your pocket and move on with your day<3 And also know that I feel better already. I just needed to document the moment, I think.*

Please also consider donating to the Trevor Project

[imonthinice]

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 1/?

Word Count: 1.3k

Author’s Note: Y/N - Your Name, A/N - Any name (your best friend’s name.)

This is just something I’ve been cooking up in my head during my maladaptive daydreaming. Not really having a plan for this one. ALSO: First post ever on Tumblr! I hope you enjoy it!

I forgot to include the Part 1 when I first posted this lmao F

Warnings: Curse Words, no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

As a criminal psychology major, Jason Todd was an intelligent young man waiting to inherit a lot of Wayne Enterprises’ company. Not because Bruce was dying, but because that was Bruce’s promise to him, Graduate, he said, and you can work alongside me, boss and boss. The idea excited Jason entirely. To finally be seen as a colleague to his father was something he always needed from him, but he was too scared to say “Hey dad, am I more than just a sidekick now?” and he knew it.

She, too, was a criminal psychology major. An equally intelligent young woman fighting her way to the top of her class, Jason’s class. And of course, dating isn’t out of the question. Especially when she sees her peers, specifically the one with the white streak in his hair. There was something about him that made her insides twirl in many different ways, butterflies soaring throughout her as if he was destined to meet her. Luckily for her, he sat beside her. Before she could speak to him though, the Professor boomed at the class:

“Good morning class! I am your professor, Thomas Hangre, and welcome to Criminal Psych 101!”

And then began the quick and messy note-taking. She noticed the man beside her didn’t take notes. But, it’s his grade, not mine, she thought.

Little did she know.

When the professor finished, she went to pack up her notes, when the man tapped on her shoulder and outstretched his hand:

“Hey, I don’t think we got a chance to meet before Prof Hangre started spewing at us,” he laughed, “The name’s Jason, you?”

“Oh! My name’s Y/N. It’s nice to meet you, strange man from my criminal psych class, Jason.” she retorted and shook his hand.

“Well well, I can assure you if I was a criminal, Batman would have cracked down on me already, darling.” he stated, almost matter-of-fact-ly.

“You say that like you know Batman.”

“You don’t know if I don’t.”

She laughed at him, there was something about the way he delivered words and sentences that drew her in. This is the start of something good, she thought.

He nudged her slightly in a playful tap, “You want to get something to eat later? We can get to know each other better, and maybe rewrite those very, very sloppy notes of yours, Y/N?” he asked, he seemed shy about it.

“I would love to, Jason.”

They exchanged numbers and packed up her stuff. She figured he still had classes, but she didn’t. So she went back home to her roommate, A/N.

----------------------------------------

“Girl, you do not know the hunk of a man I met today, when I say carved by the Greek Gods and deliver words like a Wayne, I mean it!” she giggled with A/N, they were her best friend.

“C’mon, tell me that guy asked you out, at least to a book club if he’s that hot.” she asked.

“He did! We’re meeting up later at the library to rewrite my notes and chat. Do you think this outfit is cute? I want to make him swoon.”

A/N laughed, “Oh yeah? Girl you’re killing it and you know it. C’mon, red mini skirt, get that man. And maybe see if he has a brother.”

She roared out laughing, “A brother? He is the brother, no man comes from a family where there’s multiple nice ones, you know the saying.”

“Well still, roomies stick out for each other.”

“I know, I know.” she laughed. “Oh and have you seen the latest Bat news, apparently he’s gotten injured.”

“Serves him right for being a bat!”

“Be nice! The man protects us and you know it.” Just then, she looked at the clock, she had 30 minutes to meet up with Jason, so she started panicking.

“I gotta go now, wish me luck.”

“Go, get him.”

-----------------------------------

She pulled up to the library with her bag of hastily written notes and car keys on her lanyard. She was nervous. This was someone who was really cute, and so far, he seemed really sweet to her too. She gulped, getting out of her car. The thing was beaten up to hell and back, so she hoped Jason didn’t see her in it. But he did.

“Hey Y/N.” Jason whispered and she jumped. He laughed.

“Nice beat up car, Y/N. Really living out the broke college kid lifestyle, gotta respect it.” he joked.

“Oh yeah, this is, uh, just aesthetics. I’m secretly very, very rich. Millions of dollars. All my money too.” they both laughed and he lead her inside the library and they both sat down at a desk with two chairs and a computer. This was more luxury than she even had back with A/N.

 Jason grinned and took one of her notebooks and started trying to transcribe what she wrote onto a word document. She laughed, because even though she knew her handwriting was barely legible, he seemed to be managing, and she admired his efforts.

“You know, Jason, I can always transcribe it myself,” she said.

“No, no, it’s okay. If I write it then I can print it for both of us, so you don’t have to pay the printing fee.”

“There’s a printing fee?”

“Yeah, one of my brothers used to go here, my dad says if we all go here he’ll pay the fees since it’s worth it for this college.” he said.

“You have brothers?” she asked, shocked he opened up this quickly.

“Oh yeah I do. 4 to be exact. 3 sisters too. What about you?”

“A twin sister. She’s quite lovely, goes to a different college like a nerd though.” she joked.

He let out a booming laugh, “I think we’re the nerds, Ms. Criminal Psych Major.”

“You have got me there, Jason, you got me there.”

“I know I do, Y/N. So, what high school did you come from, or are you an out-of-city kid?”

“Not from this city, I’m actually from Metropolis. It’s huge and annoying there. Too many people. This is such a smaller city compared to Metropolis. I’m guessing you were a Gotham Academy kid?” she asked.

“Yeah, repping the Gotham Academy to death and back, I met a lot of good people there and I would have to agree, my uncle lives in Metropolis, it’s massive.” he said.

“Your uncle is probably a people-person then, I’m sure as hell not.” she retorted.

“Neither am I, but there was something about you that seemed inviting if I’m honest. I don’t regret asking you this, what is this? A date?” he asked.

“If you want to call it a date, we can call it a date, Jason.” you assured him.

“It’s been a date then.”

“Well I’m glad you thought I was inviting and worth your time, Jason. Really, this is lovely.” you once again assured him.

“Did I tell you that you look nice? Red’s a lovely colour. It’s even my favourite colour. It’s like you can read my mind and dress for the occasion.”

“Man, if I could read your mind, I’m sure it would be a joyride. Maybe I’ll know why you went into Criminal Psych over everything else.”

“That’s a story for another time, Y/N.” he said as he somehow finished typing out the last page of the notes, “I guess this will conclude our date, shame really.”

“Well, that just means there’s room for a second date, Jason.”

“I’ll make sure to tell my brothers about you, then.”

“Is the second date worthy of the Mighty-Jason’s brothers knowing about me?” you are inclined for the answer.

“Well, the first was the minor mention of your name, the second is saying ‘We had fun, I have hopes.’ You know?” he said.

“I know.”

And he printed the document.

[seesgood]

can we very gently talk about call out posts / culture really quick?  not in a judgmental way, but in like a: i just want to pose a thought and explain why i’m never going to buy into it and why i wish it would become less of a trend instead of more of one? and i’ll add the  disclaimer  here: i totally get not wanting certain people around you for various reasons, that is all your prerogative. that’s your comfort level. but in emphasizing “your blog should be a safe space” we’re kind’ve losing sight of the fact that the rpc should also be a safe space, and as much as your comfort and safety matter, so do other people’s. and not just the person who hurt you, but the third parties and other mutuals and 99.9% of people who are not at all involved in any way in whatever happened. so, anyway here goes, read it or don’t, we all have different opinions or reasons, i just want to be heard:

people are allowed to change.  think back to who you were last year. two years ago. think about the stuff you said when you were seventeen, or twenty-one, or hell whatever age you were. current-you would probably cringe at the kind of stuff past-you had to say. because you grew. you learned. you had life experiences. in hindsight you have the freedom to be like “oof yeah that was not the best version of myself right there damn i don’t want to be like that again.” the growing trend of ‘here’s a 10+ page google doc complete with out of context screenshots that sometimes date back to like 2017 or earlier’ makes this kind of change impossible. because right there, you’ve just frozen a person in time, probably not at their best, removed any and all amounts of context, and put it on the internet and let other people judge it for themselves. 

so that leads into another point that i want to just kinda present to the community at large: the act of documenting behaviors and storing them for months / years at a time, in itself creates a super unsafe environment, not just for you, your friends, the people who have hurt you --- but also for anyone else that isn’t at all involved in whatever happened. like, for example, i like to think that i’m a pretty nice person. i actively try to be a nice person. am i sometimes not having the best day? have people definitely caught me in bad moments? oh hell yeah. but am i, as someone who tries really hard to be nice and welcoming, constantly thinking through every message i send to someone knowing that a) i could have a reputation that makes them read into context that isn’t there and that could contribute to them misinterpreting words i meant in a different way, b) very aware that every post i make, ask i send, message i send can at any moment be screenshotted and posted and taken out of context and either serve as someone’s only opinion of me or pile on to someone’s existing opinion of me? yeah. so in my experience, and based on people i’ve talked to, we now have this thing where you can be surface-friends wtih a lot of people, but if you want to survive in the tumblr rpc you should really only have 2-3 people that you really trust that you can actually talk about shit with. 

and lately i’ve been seeing a resurgence of posts on my dash about like “bring back xyz in the rpc” or “the reason the rpc is like this is because of xyz” and i both agree and disagree with a lot of this, but primarily i think the reason the rpc is Off lately is because everyone and their cousin has a DNI, which is --- again --- your decision and i understand and respect that, but while you know the context of every name on that DNI, other people don’t. and to be honest: other people don’t really care and honestly maybe they shouldn’t care. --- and don’t get me wrong, your friends should care if someone has hurt you. that’s important. but joe billy bob who just wants to write their character with yours is going to read through your rules, they’re going to see “do not interact with me if you follow with or interact with these people you’ve never heard of and if you want me to tell you why just message me” (which no one is ever going to do, i’m sorry to say). and say, joe billy bob also followed that other person because they were like ‘omg this blog looks cool’ --- now joe billy bob, who just wants to write cool plots, is suddenly the middle-man in some type of drama that they do not understand, and maybe they’re able to remove themselves from the situation, but even then it’s still in the back of your mind. 

this is getting long. it’ll be longer, but let’s take a brief break for me to remind you that in some cases, it’s definitely good to give your mutuals and friends a heads up when someone has done something really, really bad. like, remember x amount of years ago when some dude was like ‘i’m gonna make up a new person and say they died by suicide as a social experiment’ or ‘hey this person actively tries to force very triggering plots about abuse / rape / incest onto people and has been doing so for years and does not seem to change their ways no matter how many people try to educate them’ that’s shit people should probably know about. and it’s also okay ( in my opinion ) for your friends to be able to message you like ‘hey i saw you’re writing with x and i just wanted to let you know i had this experience with them’ if that’s something they feel comfortable doing. and if they are comfortable with you still having the autonomy to make your own decision regarding the person. 

i’ll be honest, for a second: i’ve been part of friendships and groups that have turned really toxic for one reason or another. a handful of times. there are probably people out there that are like “yeah this chick is really fake and manipulative and etc, i was friends with her back in 2019″ which, okay. yeah. i’ve definitely done shit and said shit that was not the most representative of who i want to be and who i want to become, and you probably have to. because we are human beings and we are a product of our social groups and the community around us. and you shouldn’t be chained to a version of you that isn’t you anymore. people change. they grow. you don’t have to like them, but you should respect that sometimes people don’t mesh, and that doesn’t mean any of them are bad people, it just means the experience was bad. 

a few additional notes i would like to make but i’ve already gone on way too long:

90% of the callout posts that i’ve seen and the DNI’s that i’ve seen can, in my opinion, be classified as a friend group thing. you were friends with x, x did something, now y and z aren’t friends with x anymore. pain is a very, very real thing and people hurting you should never be minimized, but at some point i just want you to remember that not every friendship is going to end happily, but both you and the other party should be allowed to move on and grow better, healthier friendships after. rehashing Friend Group Gone Wrong instances removes that ability for not only person x, but also person y and z.

you putting out a callout says just as much ( maybe more ) about you than it does about the other person. which sucks. because i’d like to think we all have great intentions, and i’m not saying that you should swallow your pain, but it might not be the kind of thing that impacts the community at large, and maybe you should try to find a better way of working through it with a trusted friend(s)

i’m going to be very real and very blunt on this one: literally no one cares. i say that with love. i’m good friends with people who have each other on their DNI’s. establish a baseline of respect and ‘i’m not going to say anything to them about you and vice versa because there’s no need for me to do so’ and move on. but seriously. no one cares. most outside people read callout posts because they like being in the know about the drama, not because they actually care. 

person a and person b who are mentioned in the DNI / callout aren’t the only ones who are going to be affected. your friends, your mutuals, your writing partners are now all put in a weird spot where you have to pick sides on an issue you know nothing about and shouldn’t have to know anything about. you’re asking people to choose sides on an issue they cannot fully understand, and that’s not fair to them or to you. and it drives great people away. and then we all lose out on having more awesome people in the rpc.

you’re entitled to your safe space, but this is a public platform and you are also responsible for maintaining your safe space. you shouldn’t put it entirely on other people to do that for you. you can block, blacklist, make up funny names for, or spitefully erase from your many anything and anyone that you wish. but you shouldn’t make your friends do it for you.

there’s always an inherent power imbalance when any kind of drama occurs between those who have more followers / friends / connections and those who do not. and the smaller blog is always going to suffer a little bit more because they don’t have people blindly coming to their defense. 

bad moments, bad experiences, bad decisions DO NOT equal bad people. 

allow people to make up their own mind about something or someone

anywho, if you read through this whole thing i think i owe you financial compensation. but also thank you for reading / listening / considering. even if you rolled your eyes through the whole thing like “stfu lia” that’s fine. i’m just presenting an alternative thought. i’d like to once again state: i’m not judging you if you’ve made a callout/DNI or if you’re on a callout/DNI. like i literally don’t care. and frankly, in my opinion, i shouldn’t have to. because i, and you, and your friends, and your mutuals, and your non-mutuals should be allowed the space to make up their own opinion and mind on something or someone without being told that there will be consequences if they don’t agree with you. set boundaries. communicate in healthy ways. you don’t have to forgive the people who have hurt or wronged you, but you also don’t get to decide that their actions make up 100% of who they are as a person, or decide that that is the only side of that person people should get to see. 

[wearingaberetinparis]

You're such a prolific writer! I've always wondered how people managed to write so much in such a short time. I struggle with that, the ideas are there and the inspiration is too but it takes me a while to turn them into actual sentences. Do you have any tips? I believe some people are just naturally fast writers and I also know that in most cases it's just a matter of practice, but I would love to learn how to translate my thoughts into coherent sentences more quickly!

Thank you so much for the compliment! To be honest, you are right when you say that it really is a matter of practice, but I would definitely be lying if I said that this is the only thing. For there is so much more to writing than just practicing it over and over again.

I’ve come back after a relatively inactive period. I never really stopped writing, but I didn’t do it as much as I have been doing it now and I certainly didn’t post anything. There were many reasons for that, one of them being that I lost my absolutely amazing mum very suddenly late 2014 and I found it very difficult to write afterwards, seeing as I was largely trying to survive. Another reason being that I found a new passion too: teaching! Combining this new passion with my grief proved to be very challenging. I often didn’t have the energy to write after a day of hard work as I then needed to focus on my family’s as well as my own well-being.

The thing is, however, that I love stories more than anything and I decided - over Christmas - that I needed to embrace that part of me again. I had been telling my family for years that I would one day like to write a novel and knew that I had to start working towards it if I ever wanted to make this a reality for myself.

So, for me, writing fast is a combination of things: it’s a hunger to tell stories, a passion for writing, an intense need to make others happy, motivation to keep growing as a writer, enthusiasm for the stories I am trying to tell, etc.

I don’t know if I have any real and tangible tips. I would say that I’m lucky enough to be on a roll at the moment and am very conscious of the fact how lucky I am for it. But some things I do when I know I have to sit down and write, because - for example - the next KUBME update is coming up:

1. I make myself a cup of tea.

2. I make myself comfortable in a chair.

3. I find a Spotify playlist with study or classical music.

4. I open up my document and reread the last scene I wrote.

5. I set realistic and attainable goals for myself. For example: “today, I will write roughly xxx words.” Sometimes I’ll write double or triple the amount and sometimes I only just make it. Whatever the outcome, I try to be proud of myself regardless.

6. I try to really become the character I’m writing at the time. When I do, the words often just flow out of me.

7. I don’t delete anything I wrote until I reread it the day after and start editing and polishing. Sometimes distance is all you need to make a scene work.

This might not be what you are looking for, but I hope it’s a little useful.

I’d like to end by saying this: writing speed doesn’t matter. What does is a love for the stories you are creating. Whether your readers (or you yourself if you’re writing to please yourself mostly) have to wait or get updates every few days is no measure of your talent. Embrace who you are as a writer and respect your writing process. Be proud of what you do, because you do this for YOU and because it’s making you happy. That is truly all that matters.

[glazelilyy]

i've written and deleted this message a few times because i find myself not really knowing how to phrase things a lot of the time :') but i think i should be honest with everyone and myself as well

(also shout out to @lavender-composition for listening to my manic thoughts when i was sitting on the floor and crying into my milk and cookies, you're the best brynn :>)

tw for: negative emotions, self depreciating thoughts (you totally don't have to read this if you don't want to! it's just me kind of admitting that i'm not alright right now, and a slight explanation for my quiet periods)

my inactivity usually catches up to me in the form of my life getting busy and such, but sometimes i'm inactive because i can't find the strength to write at all. i find myself staring at a blank document and none of the words in my head seem to fit right. but i've kept pushing and pushing because i've kept people waiting for months for their requests and the guilt began to eat me up alive.

i know that writing fanfiction isn't a professional career, but i've always held writing as a passion near and dear to my heart. but now i find myself picking apart my writing and wrenching it to the bare bones until i'm left with everything i hate about it. i've received so many thoughtful and sweet comments compliment my writing or my plots, and i try so so hard to keep them in my mind when i'm feeling like this. you all are my reason for writing and maintaining this blog (and i mean that in a very good way) :)

this next point is one i find kinda...stupid for myself heh :') i write so much about romance, and yet the idea of romance or love in itself is so foreign to me that i doubt my understanding of the concept itself entirely. this might just be the annoying analytical part of me, but i don't know for sure if things i pour my heart into can be considered true depictions of love, and it often really worries me. (and saddens me because i feel like i'll never get to experience anything like the more emotional reader inserts i've written). i also feel like i don't really do a good job with portraying the characters, despite combing through their stories and voicelines. in short: everything i produce feels lackluster to me.

all of the above feelings mount into periods of me being lifeless and devoid of will, which is why i go quiet sometimes or post very little for the day.

i've refrained from talking about how i felt for a very very long time, mainly because i wanted to keep everything super personal about me away from this blog. but i find that doing that is destroying me little by little so i'm electing to talk about it (but of course, you don't have to continue reading! i understand this is kind of not the usual chat post you'd find on my blog so it'd make sense)

i'm really sorry for not being more consistent and up to date with what i post, but i'm probably going to put a small pause (a week maybe) on my writing posts. i'm alright with answering asks though :) i love hearing from all the wonderful anons, moots, or users passing through.

i'm not giving up on this blog, nor am i giving up on myself. the rational part of me knows i love doing this more than i've loved doing anything in a very long time. but for now, i think i just need to step back and remind myself that perfection doesn't exist in the world of writing :) i thank everyone that's ever given my blog, my writing, and i a chance, trust me when i say you've made me happy in ways i never though i could comprehend. thank you so much :) <3

with love,

luce <3

[retroknightx]

hypmic headcanons

since nobody on my instagram appreciates me, i’m going to put them here, and it’ll be like a master post i can add onto that way anyway (which is convenient for me, because i keep adding on… yeah, it’s bad lmao. my notes document can only take so much) all of it will be under the line so you guys don’t just have a big ass post clogging your feed! to whoever my 4 followers are

starting with fling posse…

---

Ramuda Amemura

He’s trans.

He has a superiority complex to hide his inferiority complex.

He also likely has a little bot of a god complex… Just a tiny bit… Not to the point it’d endanger his life, but to the point he can never admit he’s wrong (I suppose this can also count as the superiority complex).

He also has a little bit of a schoolboy crush on Dice… that has lasted far longer than he’d ever like to admit – not that he’d ever admit it in the first place – and he gets jealous over Dice.

He started his whole thing with girls, whatever it is, as a power trip, which also explains why he likes to cause so much chaos.

Since he used to smoke, he started candy as a way to stop smoking and it slowly replaced his smoking habit (as I have yet to see him smoke otherwise, but keep in mind I’m not far into the manga and mostly I’m going off the ARB story).

---

Gentaro Yumeno

All writers are perfectionists (I’d know as one).

He’s probably very particular about the details and doesn’t like doing things without a plan.

He’s the lyric write for Fling Posse’s raps and does not enjoy making up lyrics on the spot; however he can if he must – This is also why he carries the book everywhere.

I honest to god don’t feel like he’s of this world and whatever his actual form is (irony in his rap name?), it scared Ramuda enough to create Fling Posse, so here they are.

---

now for the dice ones… it’s gonna be long!

---

Dice Arisugawa

He is, unfortunately, very oblivious to romantic approaches – especially from close friends such as his division members, for he’s been with them for so long that he can never imagine them falling in love with him.

He has abandonment issues/a fear of abandonment because his mother left him.

Speaking of his mother, Dice likely knows how to do “noble” things because he was raised by a politician; i.e. how to play piano and stuff like that.

Adding on top of that, I feel like Dice has an accumulation of many different skills from being all over the place – He learned how to do card tricks by watching others, and he probably learned bird calls from spending time with Rio.

He undoubtedly has ADHD (as a person with ADHD myself, you cannot tell me I am wrong)!

He’s well aware that’s he a leech, but he can’t stop himself because the addiction is stronger and he feels terrible about it; it’s why he often begs instead of anything else that would fit his character more.

He’s a very talkative person and often rambles to get his thoughts organized.

He doesn’t like being put into awkward situations or forced into silence because he is used the buzz of a casino and a busy city.

Relating to the ADHD canon, Dice puts his life on line not only for the thrill of it, but to keep his mind off of thoughts, and it’s also why he gambles; so he can focus on one thing.

He is numb to change because he’s a gambler.

He is very good at adapting to a new environment.

He doesn’t like being looked down up and that’s why he started gambling; to prove that he’s worth something.

He uses humor to cope if he can’t get his mind off of things with the thrill of gambling.

---

Extras (Fling Posse all together)

Dice has weird limbs, so clothing fits him weird, and Ramuda started making clothes for them because of that.

Ramuda chased after Dice after he stole his signature parka and the Fling Posse star was embroidered on later by Ramuda after the formation of Fling Posse.

Ramuda likely pulls whatever strings he has access to to make life easier for his division members (not that it stops them from getting into trouble, that is).

Gentaro spends a lot of time away when writing and likely forgets he’s even alive during those periods, so his division members make sure he’s still taking care of himself when he gets like that.

They all piss each other off, but in a platonic love kind of way.

---

moving onto matenrou! my favorite division <3

---

Jakurai Jingui

Oh, my poor man’s so tired. He just needs a long break and a spa day; speaking of this, he likely doesn’t ask for help often – it’s the messiah complex he undoubtedly has.

His hair is too long for him to be taking care of it himself, and it definitely looks in fantastic condition, so he definitely takes good care of it – I just don’t think he takes care of it himself; I think he enlists the help of his division members (as I headcanon that Matenrou is in a poly relationship).

Jakurai’s matureness can sometimes get in the way of other things, such as emotional moments, and he can come off as cold or distant when he doesn’t mean to come off that way.

Unlike the other divisions, Jakurai wanted to really separate from his past, and that’s why he named his division Matenrou instead of reusing something from the past. He also probably doesn’t like talking about the past.

His hair is naturally silver, but the lighter shades that are nearly white underneath was caused by stress.

He gets cold quickly, which is why he always keeps the lab coat on, and it’s also why he wears a turtleneck.

Jakurai does live in the same apartment as Doppo and Hifumi, but he’s always so busy that he often can’t get there, so he ends up sleeping at the hospital; he also has a separate apartment of his own that’s closer to the hospital if he has free time, but he’s not off work/off work but still on call.

---

Doppo Kannonzaka

Man, the first thing I thought when I saw him was that he has a choking kink. Enough said. He also likely has a praise kink.

If he didn’t have social anxiety and wasn’t so busy, he’d also probably be going over to Rio’s camp a lot. I think it’s because he’s so overworked that he doesn’t care about what’s in the food; as long as he gets it.

He’s probably passed out from exhaustion more than once and just got used to it.

Despite all his problems, he definitely wants to be known and he wants his name out there; he wants to be just like the other two and he definitely looks up to them already, but he aspires to be them.

He is so thankful for his divison members and he’s glad that they accepted him.

---

Hifumi Izanami

Hifumi is a classic case of “fake it till you make it”; I really don’t know how he became one of the most popular hosts in Shinjuku, but it’s definitely about the fake confidence and the jacket is a comfort object for him that allows him to have that confidence.

He cooks all the time for his division members and he uses the catches from fish all the time, too. He even brings the lunches to their works for them.

---

Extras

Since Hifumi’s always out so late, the others make sure he has everything he needs for whenever he wakes up and sometimes they wait for him.

They’re all in a poly relationship and I refuse to believe anything else; I mean, have you seen those “my room” dialouge in ARB? Fruity.

They probably all love to cuddle whenever they get the chance because they can’t do it often.

They definitely set up one day of the month for all of them to just be together.

---

buster bros time!

---

Ichiro Yamada

This may just be the Ichiro simp in me, but I think he has a very nice tummy that’d be nice to lay on; like a soft one if that makes any sense to anybody other than me.

He’s a very friendly person and if you’re close friends with him, he’s definitely loyal; he’d be willing to drop anything to help you kind of loyal, like he is to his brothers – all that, except the willing to die part.

I think he gets flustered easily and doesn’t know how to respond to compliments. That’s also probably the Ichiro simp in me.

Although he has to stop his brothers from ripping out each other’s throats all the time, he’s very proud of them and of their achievements, no matter what they are. He’s willing to praise them even for the tiniest things to make up for his absence in their lives.

He probably has a terrible sleeping schedule, but he could probably operate on pretty much anything. Two hours of sleep? That’s not an issue for him; he’s used to it.

He’s likely a cheapskate when it comes to himself, but when it comes to his brothers, he spares no expense if he can.

---

Saburo Yamada

He has a superiority complex. I mean, just look at how he acts with Jiro – that’s enough proof right there.

He got into hacking and all of that computer stuff because it was interesting to him; he’s probably pursuing a career in it, considering just how good he is at it. I feel like he’d make a good white hat hacker that tests your website security, like Alma in Va-11 Hall-A.

Call him a library, because he holds grudges for years.

I think he just likes picking arguments because he think it’s funny and there’s nothing better to do when you’re stuck with your brothers (as somebody with a sibling myself, I can attest to that).

---

Jiro Yamada

Anger issues. Yep, that’s it. That’s the headcanon.

Man probably goes dumpster diving to see what kind of treasures he can find; his room is probably full of that kind of junk.

He probably has greasy hair. It doesn’t matter how much he cleans it, it’s just greasy (as somebody with the same issue, go clean your pillows Jiro).

---

Extras

Ichiro has to hold Jiro back from just punching Saburo all the time.

God, somebody save Ichiro from his siblings; with how much they bicker, he probably has taken so much ibuprofen to stop headaches in his life that he should be considered dead from an overdose.

Despite being assholes to each other, they all help each other out – Saburo helps Jiro with his work, Jiro helps Saburo with whatever he can’t do, and Ichiro takes care of the rest. It’s the only thing keeping their bond together.

---

mad trigger crew, my beloved.

---

Rio Mason Busujima

Rio’s very stoic and that often doesn’t break, so it’s very rare to see a smile on his face. He has different smiles for different things too – there’s the business one; one so he doesn’t look as intimidating, and the actual genuine smile that’s very rare to see, but it happens when somebody appreciates his food.

Rio’s not good at understanding emotions and it takes him awhile to process emotions; he goes quiet in these moments and it can be confusing for those who don’t know him, but once he’s thought everything out, he’s very smart about responding.

He’ll never fully adjust to a life outside of the navy and military.

Opposite to Dice, he finds the buzz of a city to be too distracting for his thoughts and he enjoys his solitude, but he doesn’t mind company at all.

Due to how his unit was broken up, he refuses to abide by H law and keeps his gun on him. Even Rio can be spiteful. However, he mostly uses it for hunting, which is why he’s so far out in the forest.

He definitely has a lot of scars and that’s why he often wears his fatigues; he doesn’t wana come off as off-putting. His cards without the jacket did him so dirty. Of course he’d have scars from fighting in World War 3.

He can come up with strategies on the spot and is a very quick-thinker when it comes to combat.

Despite how ruthless he is when it comes to rap battles and being an ex-navy, he’s actually a very gentle soul.

I feel like he’s asexual, but homoromantic.

---

Samatoki Aohitsugi

He only uses the bad guy persona as a way to be left alone, but he’s actually a very kind person.

Despite being a yakuza, he actually abides to the H law and it’s probably only because of Nemu (however, this is only based off of the anime, so I can’t say for certain, but I haven’t seen anything in the manga disproving otherwise yet).

I just feel like he eats a lot throughout the day. I can’t explain this one, but he has the vibes.

He also knows how to cook quite well himself, and he does it for his division members sometimes.

---

Jyuto Iruma

He’s very cocky because he knows he can get away with things; I mean, he’s the authorties, why wouldn’t he get cocky about what he can do? However, it’s somewhat annoying to Samatoki.

If he wasn’t a gay bastard, Samtoki and Rio probably would’ve been arrested long ago. Thankfully for them, he is a gay bastard.

He likes looking good no matter what; it helps his confidence, so he dresses up to go out anywhere.

His glasses are probably just reading glasses.

He likes spending money on expensive things.

---

Extras

Samatoki and Jyuto are in a relationship. They’re so fruity that I’m sure I don’t have to explain this one.

Samatoki doesn’t approve of Rio dating Dice at all and it’s only because of Jyuto that Dice is still alive.

Rio is pretty much their marriage counselor; he has to constantly deal with them bickering, so of course he is. He’s pretty much the adopted child to save their marriage.

---

Ships

Riodice

Samajyu

Poly Matenrou

---

i will likely make a separate post for the ship headcanons because this will be much longer, but i think this covers all of them anyway, so here you go. enjoy.

[crowtrinkets]

Your Weary Widow Marches

A Gender Neutral MCxFelix fic in which our dear barista educates their teacher and shows him some music from their home.

I’ve never really written fanfiction before but I thought Id give it a shot. The formatting looks weird on my end so if it looks weird after posting I apologize I couldn’t figure it out. Hope you enjoy!

—-

The crackling fire and pages being turned were the only sounds heard for the past few hours. Felix and I sat on either side of a couch placed in Anisa’s office silently reading our respective books. I’ve been in Astraea for nearly a week and had I known that Felix’s teaching method would be done via reading books the size of an encyclopedia I probably would have chosen Sage or Anisa instead... probably

I glance up at Felix, he’s sitting with legs crossed slouching on the arm rest of the couch, glasses on and enthralled in his book. I'm leaning with my back against the arm rest facing Felix, peering at him from behind my knees. I watch as his eyes scan the pages, partially hiding behind my book so he doesn’t notice me stare. I rub my eyes, dry from the endless reading of Astraean history. I know plenty of history and lore from this world thanks to countless hours of playing Last Legacy and stalking forums, but I don’t think I could’ve convinced Felix of that without having to explain what video games are let alone the internet. He thought if I were to learn magic I should at least know part of its history and it’s contribution to their society. 

Despite spending some time with Felix I'm still amazed at the attention span he has for reading. I scan the room trying not to move too much lest I be scolded by the warden. I glance over at the high back chair across the room. The one Anisa sat me in after my jaunt through Felix’s portal and painfully onto Anisa's desk. My mind begins to wander. 

I’ve only been here a short time but I feel like I’ve adjusted well. I wonder what's happening on Earth. Does time pass the same at home like how it does in this realm? World? Alternate universe? I still don’t exactly know how to explain my predicament. Has anyone noticed I'm gone yet? I wonder if I’m on the missing persons list, someone at work will have noticed I didn’t show up for my shifts. I cringe slightly at that last thought, my open book now resting on my chest. Ah damn it, I’m definitely fired aren’t I. How am I gonna pay my bills.... and my home, I miss my bed....my plants. SHIT MY PLANTS. I bring my hand to my face and cringe, my beloved house plants they’re going to wither away in my absence. Fate is such a cruel mistress.

“Bored of reading are we?” I slightly jump at Felix’s comment. I bring my hand down and look at him. Staring at me through his glasses a smirk on his lips. I flush slightly and close my book.

“No I just, got to thinking about Earth, and my life, I guess I’m just a little home sick,” I mumble out those last words. I want to be honest with Felix but I don’t want him beating himself up for my situation. I mean yes he is the reason I’m stuck here but I don't hate him for it. Felix frowns and closes his own book.

“Ah... I am sorry about that, I-“ I sit up interrupting him.

“No no no, I'm not mad at you, I’m actually quite enjoying my time here. I mean I don’t have to make drinks for annoying customers everyday here,” I force a laugh but it comes out awkwardly. Felix gives me a quizzical look. I then realize, with the amount of times he calls “dear barista” I just assumed he knew what it meant. “Yknow, my job? A barista?” Felix flushes and avoids looking at me.

“I must admit.. I do not actually know what that is,” I cant help but chuckle, the great necromancer Felix, is embarrassed to not know something.

“Well my dear teacher," I emphasize the word teacher mimicking the way he calls me, "allow me to educate you on some Earth information,” I sit cross legged and scoot closer to him book in my lap. Felix adjusts to face me properly and removes his glasses. I clear my throat and smile at him. “My part time occupation of being a Barista, requires me to make drinks for customers and sell them, more often I make coffee but sometimes people order tea. We sell pastries as well,” Felix gives me yet another confused look.

“All you do is prepare drinks and flakey confectioneries?” I nod in response with a smile, I can only imagine what he assumed a Barista was. Felix chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, “All this time I thought it was something more complicated, you described your customers as being annoying? I am assuming you do not like this particular job?”

“Well, I don't hate it but the customers can get a little rude and for the dumbest reasons too. One time a woman threw her drink at me claiming I added 3 1/2 shots of espresso and rather than 3,” I laugh to my self looking back at the memory, chuckling more when I see Felix’s horrified expression.

“A woman... threw a drink at you? Because she deemed it made incorrectly? I did not except Earth customs to be so. . . Barbaric,” Felix looks at me astonished and confused but all I can do is laugh. “And why are you laughing? Are you alright did she hit your head when she assaulted you with a beverage?” Felix is now standing while I clutch my stomach in pain, the combination of the story and Felix’s confusion is too much to bare. After a minute I manage to calm down enough to speak.

“No no, she did not hit me in the head, I’m just laughing cause it was funny, well at the time it wasn’t but my co workers took pictures and I looked ridiculous. I can laugh about it now,” I wipe a stray tear from my eye as I recount the experience. Thank god her drink was iced. 

“Picture?” Felix chimes in. I try to think of how to explain how photography works but I come up with an idea.

“Why don’t I show you?” I stand handing Felix my book and I jaunt over to Anisa’s desk. I let her peruse my backpack because she seemed so interested in my “Earthly items” as she called them. I walked back over and sit on the floor, patting the ground next to me so Felix can join. 

“You known there is a perfectly good sofa right next to you, I don’t understand why you wish to sit on the ground like we are mere children,” but despite his protests Felix sits next to me still clutching our books. I rummage through my back tossing the other items to the side. My wallet, a flyer, a jacket, that granola bar which has definitely crumbled to pieces in its package. Until I finally find it, my phone. My first night here I instinctively tried to use it, forgetting I am now stuck in a world without wifi or cell towers. In an effort to hopefully conserve its battery I hard shut off my phone I did not think I would need it but now is an opportunity for me to educate Felix about my world rather than his and tell him a little about myself. Really I just want a reason to prolong my time from reading anymore history. I hold the power button and silently pray. Please have some battery left, please please. Felix is leaning towards me, his face inching closer to mine, I glance at him studying his expression. He looks confused, and curious at the same time, there's a slight scrunch in his brow like he’s trying to seem like he understands what I’m doing, but I know he doesn’t. In that moment his eyes meet mine, I turn my head to fully face him, a blush creeps up his face and I can feel mine begin to warm as well. “Felix-“

BING

We both jump at the sound of my phone turning on. Damn phone, well I guess I kinda asked for that. Felix sits back and clears his throat.

“Um, what, what is that?” His voice wavers slightly but I choose to ignore it to save him some dignity.

“Its my phone, on Earth nearly everyone has one of these. You can use it to communicate with other people, take pictures, look things up, and listen to music.” I begin to unlock it and open my photo album.

“You can communicate with other people? On this... this flat brick?” Felix points accusatory at my phone the scrunch in his eyebrows have intensified creating deep crevices on his forehead. I nod while I scroll through trying to find the photo. 

“Yup and take pictures, such as this one,” I turn my phone to face Felix revealing the image documenting the after affects of being assaulted with coffee. He leans over to get a better look. In the picture I'm standing by the cash register, soaked through my clothes in an extra large coffee's amount of liquid. The brown liquid stains my apron and the parts on my white shirt poking out from underneath. There's smeared whipped cream going across my shoulder up my neck and partially along my jaw, and the scowl on my face could kill a man. The instant I show the picture to Felix he plants a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. He turns away in an attempt to hide his amusement but I know he wont last.

“Im-I must apologize I did not mean to laugh but, but the look on your face is hilarious,” Felix faces me again trying to hide his smile with the back of his hand. I start to chuckle, I turn the phone back to me and swipe to the next picture. Its a similar picture but in this one my co worker put whipped cream on top of my head, something about it “completing the look”. When I show this picture to Felix it breaks his terrible attempt of remaining poise. He laughs loudly, and it’s extremely contagious. I laugh along with him reminiscing in his beautiful laugh. Every once in a while we calm down until we look at the picture and we start up again. After a bit I’m able to calm down enough to speak.

“Don’t feel bad for laughing, at the time I was pissed but my co workers cheered me up and now I have these memories to laugh at,” I start to look through my album again as Felix calms down from his laughing high. I find more pictures to show him. Some are of me at work with my co workers, one picture of me laughing as I held a dog that jumped through the drive through window. I show him more pictures, some are of earth sunsets which Felix claimed to look like they belong in a painting. I also show him a picture of some Geese I saw while on a walk, and then a picture of said Geese chasing me. This gets Felix to laugh again but not as hard.

“You lead an interesting life on Earth, it seems similar to Sage you are also prone to provoke others into attacking you,” I roll my eyes at Felix’s joke and give him a friendly shoulder bump. Its at this moment I realize how close he’s sitting. Our books set aside and Felix is leaning on one arm politely looking over my shoulder at my phone, I can tell he doesn’t really understand how it works but it seems he’s enjoying this moment to much to ask. In an attempt to keep the sweet moment I change the subject.

“Hey do you want to listen to some Earth music?” With a nod from Felix I close the app and instinctively go to press my streaming app. Damn no Internet. I think for a second and remember I have some music I bought in times before streaming apps existed. I find the app and open it. Dear god my taste was cringey. I scroll through the songs until I stumble across a less than embarrassing song. “This is a classic where I come from, everyone has heard this song at least once. I lay back onto the floor so I can properly listen to the music. Felix looks at me and awkwardly lays down as well, I click on the song allowing it to play.

Just a small town girl

Livin' in a lonely world

She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy

Born and raised in South Detroit

He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Felix gives me a puzzled look but I just shrug and look up at the ceiling. I close my eyes and take in the song as it plays. If I concentrate hard enough I can imagine my self back on Earth. Sitting in my room listening to 80s music while I do laundry or cook my dinner. I start to feel nostalgic again but I try not let my emotions take over. The song ends and I pause it before it plays the next song. I roll onto my side and rest my head on my hand.

“So what’d you think?” I beam at Felix, I genuinely want to know what he thinks of Earth music, and more specifically a song that I am quite fond of. Felix is laying flat on his back, he ankles crossed and his hands laying on his chest. He looks nervous to be laying on the ground next to me but has made no attempts to leave.

“I thought it was... interesting to say the least. It had quite a captivating story although I was confused when the subject changed multiple times, and what exactly are they trying to “not stop believing” in” Felix does air quotes and seems genuinely enthralled in the “story” of the song. I smile and start to look for another song. 

“How about you choose the next one?” I tilt my phone towards him. Felix sits up at my question.

“I dont feel very well versed in Earth music though,” He mumbles. I shrug at his comment.

“Just pick one with a name that sounds interesting to you” I show Felix how to use the phone and hand it to him laying back down. I peek at Felix, he’s holding the phone in one hand and is scrolling with the other, he’s holding it like an old man. I watch his face, he’s thoroughly looking at every single song title and determining whether they are interesting or not. I find it... cute, his concentration face is cute. Oh if he caught me staring I know he would become a blubbering blushing mess, I mean I would be too. I close my eyes again as I wait for him to pick. 

“This one seems interesting,” I hum in response, but when Felix says the title out-loud and panic seizes through me. I sit up and shout WAIT but I'm too late. He already pressed it. And then I hear it.

That dreaded, infamous G note. Felix turns towards me surprised and hastily hands the phone to me, I pause it before another note can play.

“Hells MC what will that song make my head explode or something??? You nearly made my heart stop.” Felix takes a deep breath with his hand on his chest.

“I'm sorry, that song its kind of embarrassing actually,” I can feel myself flushing, I look away in embarrassment at the fact that I had that song downloaded and the fact that I nearly sent my teacher into cardiac arrest.

“Embarrassing how?” Felix looks at me puzzled. I open my mouth to speak but then stop. Hold on a second, Felix doesn’t know this band, let alone what an emo phase is. Well judging by his raven skull necklace he does but not in the way I do. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we listened to it. I do still like their music. But god did it HAVE to be this song. I clear my throat and look back at Felix.

“Nothing, it’s nothing I was just being dramatic,” I stifle a laugh. “We can listen to it, I actually quite like this band,” Felix nods and turns to face my direction, were now both sitting cross legged and I press play on the song. I smile a little as the song plays and close my eyes again. I cant even remember the last time I listened to this song. My mind begins to wander again, to my younger years when I first heard this song.

 I was such a try hard back then, wanting so badly to “be different” but also to mend the emotional pain I was going through, and this band really helped me through it. This song is a little more narrative than the last one so I hope Felix would like it. I can’t believe I freaked out like I did god he must think I'm crazy, or maybe that lady really did hit my head when she threw that drink at me. As the song plays I silently hum to it, quiet enough so that Felix might not hear. I drink in the lyrics and instruments and it feels like I'm listening to it again for the first time. 

The song ends and I open my eyes again to pause the music before it plays another one.

“So what did you think of tha-“ before I can continue I'm stopped by the sight of Felix’s face. His eyes are misty and his nose is colored pink. Was he... was he crying? Felix looks at me and his eyes go wide. He quickly turns away and rubs at his face.

“There-there is quite a lot of dust on this floor, honestly you would think Annie would have any sense to clean in here every once in a while,” I cant help but smile, wow he really is a goth child. 

“It’s ok Felix, this song makes me cry sometimes too,” Felix side eyes me and sniffles.

“I-I was not crying, yes I admit the song was... moving to say the least…. But, but I will not be mocked by you for my emotions,” Felix turns to face me again refusing to meet my eyes, his voice turning accusatory. I scoot closer to Felix and place a hand on his shoulder. He looks at me astonished and slightly flushed, either from the contact or the crying, I mean dust, I will never know.

“Congratulations” I say with a smile. Felix’s puzzled look twists even more.

“What ever are you talking about,” Felix questions.

“You’re emo now,”

[joachimnapoleon]

May I ask you the question on a rather delicate topic (which bothers me from time to time, when I stumble upon Murat’s mentions in Poniatowski’s biographies etc.)? It is often repeated that they resembled each other in some areas, like their love for parties, dances, horses and women...

So my question will be on that, latter topic.

We all know about Caroline, but what about other women in Joachim’s life? Did he have other significant “love interests”? Was Caroline the first woman he proposed to? Did he... cheat on her???

If you know anything on the topic could you please share it with us? ))) (Because I am very curious why did prince Murat earn such a reputation ;)

Thanks in advance!

Oooh this is going to be a fun one. :)

Murat did acquire quite a reputation for womanizing. Napoleon would say on Saint Helena that Murat "needed women like he needed food." On another occasion (and for some reason Napoleon returned to the subject of Murat's sex life on numerous occasions) he exclaimed "How many mistakes did Murat not commit in order to establish his headquarters in a chateau where there were women! He needed them every day, so I readily tolerated a general having a whore with him, in order to avoid this inconvenience." (From Gourgaud's diary, 3 April 1817.) Apparently Napoleon was quite fixated on this subject because Bertrand records similar remarks from him in an undated note assumed to be from some time in 1820: "Murat supposedly needed a woman each night, but every woman was good to him, and nothing stopped him, whether she had the pox or not." (Vol. 2 of Bertrand's Cahiers de Sainte-Hélène, pg 438) Which is likely a reference to one of Murat's more well-known mistresses, Madame Ruga, a lawyer's wife, whom he met (and possibly fell in love with) in Brescia.

But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. We'll get back to Madame Ruga.

Murat's early life is very poorly documented. Some of his early biographers allude vaguely to him womanizing while he was still a student in the seminary, and even claim that he fought a duel over a young woman before abandoning the seminary to become a soldier. Take it all with a grain of salt. The first actual evidence of Murat having an attachment to a woman, lies in his letters referencing a young woman named Mion Bastide, from his hometown. It's hard to tell how deep his feelings for her ran; he repeatedly asks his older brother for news of her--and also what her "intentions" are, and if she is flirting with the young men of La Bastide while he is away on his military duties. Perhaps they had spoken of marriage at some point while he'd been home. Anyway, he eventually got tired of her not responding to him and moved on. While a captain in the chasseurs à cheval, he apparently had an affair with a woman named Eléonore; I haven't come across any details about this, but his attachment to her was strong enough that he kept a pocketwatch with "Joachim Murat, capitaine de chasseurs à cheval: Eléonore to Joachim - do not forget her" inscribed inside; he only relinquished this watch during the 1812 campaign, as a gift to a Cossack.

During the Italian campaign, Murat had affairs with two men's wives; the aforementioned Madame Ruga, and one Madame Ghirardi (more on her shortly). Madame Ruga is described in Desaix's notes as "young, pretty; wife of a lawyer; like all the Milanese, loving pleasures, having suffered from the venom"--"the venom" (le venin) being a tactful way of saying she'd had venereal disease, which she soon passed on to Murat. "Murat is ill," Napoleon writes to Josephine on 22 July 1796; "the goddess of the ball, Mme Ruga, properly gave him une galanterie," which is another lovely old-fashioned euphemism for giving someone VD. Napoleon continues that Murat "is furious; he wants to put his adventure in the gazettes." But in typical Murat fashion, his fury burned out quickly, and he seems to have been quite infatuated with Mme Ruga--he continued the affair, which is probably what spawned Napoleon's later disgusted recollection on Saint Helena. He even temporarily neglected his duties, until Napoleon sent him a mild reprimand, to which Murat replied with indignation. "I have never had any idea which could be the least disfavorable to you," Napoleon responded drily on 21 June 1797, "but I thought that you were more necessary to your division than to your mistress in Brescia." When Murat was sent back to Italy in 1800--months after marrying Caroline--there's a very good likelihood that he resumed his affair with Mme Ruga. At any rate, they maintained contact for some time; she delivered a letter to Eugène de Beauharnais for him in 1805.

Now on to Mme Ghirardi. Apparently he also met this woman, wife of a General Lechi, in Brescia. Eventually Napoleon sent Murat to Rastadt for peace negotiations at the end of the Italian campaign. According to an article in the January 1908 Revue Napoléonienne, this is what happened next:

But Murat's conquest does not intend to let him go. Desperate to hold him back, she follows him. The beauty flees from Brescia, crosses the Alps and falls into Strasbourg; when Murat returns from Rastadt to Paris, she settles there with him and stays in the same hotel, rue des Capucins-Neufs, number 20. The adventure here is complicated by a comic novel. The husband, worthy and notable citizen of Brescia, makes a lot of noise about his misadventure and instantly demands the lost object. He brings his complaint to Milan; he comes as far as Paris to address a mournful petition to the Directory. He begs Barras and his colleagues to set themselves up as defenders of outraged morality: "Put this young woman betrayed by a vile seducer on the path of righteousness and virtue, give a mother to an innocent child; it is an honest husband who asks for this act of justice. He will be able to publish it throughout the Cisalpine and to his fellow citizens who expect it from you." (...) A singular crossover facilitated the outcome. While the husband brought his action in Paris for restitution of wife, Murat, perhaps judging that the follies of youth should not be prolonged, adopted the part of bringing the fugitive back to Brescia and resuming his military career in Italy.

Napoleon writes to Berthier to inform him that Murat is coming back to Italy to return "this heroine of Brescia," take a vacation in Rome, and then rejoin the army. And that is the last we know of Mme Ghirardi and her affair with Murat.

The short answer to your question as to whether Murat cheated on Caroline is, unfortunately, yes.

And, not to make excuses for him, but it's hard to see it turning out otherwise given that Murat was pretty set in his ways by the time of his marriage. He had long since gotten into the habit of flitting from one woman to another, and he was in his early thirties when he finally married. On top of that, his military duties made it inevitable that he would spend long periods far away from Caroline--which he did--and I just don't think he had either the self-control or the interest in remaining faithful after awhile.

(I'm just going to excerpt this next part from a post I did on Murat's relationship with Caroline awhile back, since it fits in perfectly here.) 

They endured a long period of separation very early in their marriage–the first of many, adding up to several total years spent apart between 1800 and their final parting in May of 1815. Murat was sent to take command of a force in Italy in November 1800 while Caroline was pregnant with their first child; they did not see each other again until May of the following year. There are a couple of letters within Murat’s published correspondence that hint that, though he at first attempted to remain faithful to his wife during this interim, he may have given up on the endeavor prior to their reunion. The diplomat Charles Alquier, who befriended Murat in Italy, wrote to him in April 1801, lamenting not being able to spend a few days with him in Florence, teasing that he “would like to witness your gallant successes there and hear you talk about your marital fidelity, without believing it in the slightest.” The following month, after the arrival of Caroline, Alquier teases Murat again along these lines, in a postscript that reads “It was about time that Madame Murat arrived in Florence, or your hard-pressed fidelity was about to escape you.” He had almost certainly resumed his affair with Madame Ruga during this period.

There is a rather fascinating little affair that takes place early in 1806, in which Napoleon and Murat were having a simultaneous affair with a young woman named Éleonore Denuelle de la Plaigne, who was staying with the Murats at Neuilly at the time. Napoleon abruptly put an end to his affair with her when he discovered that she was also sleeping with Murat. Éleonore gave birth to a baby boy at the end of the year, and Napoleon believed the child was probably Murat's--up until he saw the boy in person prior to embarking for Saint Helena. What's particularly fascinating to me about this episode is the fact that Caroline pretty much arranged this affair for her brother--the Bonaparte siblings were so hell-bent on getting Napoleon to divorce Josephine by this point that some of them were acting like glorified pimps, hooking Napoleon up with girls left and right in hopes that he'd eventually produce a baby and prove that he wasn't to blame for the lack of an heir. But the timing of Murat, a man of proven fertility (he had four children by now), swooping in to plant a few seeds of his own at the same time that he undoubtedly knew Napoleon was bedding Éleonore just... let's just say I have theories about this. Suffice to say I think the Murats' sexual dynamic took some interesting twists and turns, and I'm fairly convinced that they each weaponized the other's sexuality on occasion--the Éleonore affair being the first example, and Caroline's affair with Metternich later on being another. This is totally, 100% my own personal theory and there's no way in hell to prove it either way, it's just my own reading of the situation given my current understanding of the personalities involved.

Anyway. The interesting thing about Murat's alleged affairs is that so few of his mistresses have been written of by name, the ones above being the exceptions. I've seen it written that he had a brief fling with the actress Mademoiselle Georges--who also allegedly had a short affair with Napoleon--but it's another one of those things that isn't well-sourced, at least from what I've found so far. As for his mistresses in Naples, I haven't come across the name of a single one. General Guglielmo Pépé only refers to them in the most general terms, remarking that King Joachim considered it dishonorable to refuse to grant a woman a favor "even were she not his mistress," and that he was especially susceptible to the "entreaties of the ladies about the Court". He also recounts Murat telling him once that "The Queen does not much like my giving audience to ladies," to which Pépé rejoined, "I pity the Queen if she notices the gallantries of Your Majesty." But I do find it extremely interesting that there seems to be absolutely no information whatsoever on any of Murat's alleged mistresses in Naples, which makes me wonder if his reputation in that area might be a bit exaggerated and if a lot of his so-called "gallantries" were simple flirtations. He never stopped being a massive flirt or enjoying having women's eyes on him. "He was very vain," Madame Fusil, an actress who met him in 1812, wrote of him, "and he liked women to watch out for him." 

I hope I didn't forget anything! And thanks for the ask! ^_^

[mekachyu]

6 essential chrome extensions for students !

hello everyone! it's mika from mekachyu studies and welcome to my first blog post! i’m a high school senior who is dual-enrolled in my local community college to get my general ed courses done and start my pre-requisites for my computer science major (and my psychology minor).

i've seen a lot of YouTube videos similar to this but I just want to give my own two cents about some of my favorite chrome extensions that help me study!

grammarly

everyone knows grammarly, but it's definitely an essential. as everyone probably already knows, grammarly makes your writing simple and corrects all your spelling and grammar mistakes so you don't have to go back and proofread that essay you wrote at 2 am on 4 cups of coffee and 5 hours of sleep or second guess that email you are sending your professor about why you need an extension for a project because you had things to deal with even though you had a whole week to work on the project. jokes aside, grammarly definitely has helped me in the past, from drafting speeches for my public speaking class to writing a mini story for my composition classes. it's free too, there is no reason not to use it !

speechify

i'll be honest, i didn't think this would help me at all. i first found speechify through a YouTube ad and thought to myself, "why not try it?" I didn't use it for about a week, but I had to read 3 chapters of philosophy and let me tell you, it was so much easier to get through it than if I just read it myself. speechify uses different AI powered voices  to read out documents, emails, or other texts. you can adjust the speed depending on how fast or slow you want to listen. I tend to listen on around 250 words per minute using a the female voice named Salli! Sometimes it just gets too hard to keep my eyes open late at night, so sometimes I just listen to my readings as if it's a podcast.

alphatext

do you ever feel like the text is too small for you to read? especially late at night, or if you're like me, don't feel like wearing your glasses during late night study sessions? well alphatext is the perfect chrome extension for you! this extension allows you to change the color, background, font, and size of the text on a website to suit your needs. Those times when you're staying up late to catch up on studies and you need to read a really bright article? I no longer have those, because I finally have dark mode on those websites. It's honestly so helpful because being able to read the article is half the struggle in itself.

mybib

don't get me wrong, citation machine has saved my life when I'm doing my citation for a research paper or a creative writing assignment for my english classes, but  mybib has got me covered without having to switch to a different tab. It cites both websites and PDFs, and the coolest feature about it is that it tells you whether that source is credible or not!

todoist

todoist is your virtual to-do list !  I like the fact you can categorize your tasks into different subjects or projects and note the day you want to do it by. One thing I like doing is splitting up my  big tasks like a group project or reviewing for finals into smaller parts. The labels are really helpful for this. It's a pretty simple extension, but I think it's pretty useful !

dualless

"study smart, not hard" as they say. i'm actually pretty lazy doing basic things like split screening my laptop tabs to take notes, but thankfully there's a chrome extension for that. dualless provides you with a couple different ratios to split screen your various chrome tabs ! I use the 5:5 and 6:4 ratio the most for taking my notes! I usually have my PDF on the left side and google docs on the right side. My favorite feature though is the bookmark feature, where you can make bookmarks by right clicking the squares for any of the ratios and it will bookmark the site you are on ! Then, whenever you click on the extension, you can click the bookmark and it will open up that site. (And you can color code the bookmarks too!)

honorable mentions

forest : forest is such a great productivity app for phones and the fact there is a chrome extension is even cooler. I prefer using the blocklist function, as i tend to switch between tabs and research things for other subjects and it becomes problematic when I can't reach those sites because of forest. however, if you aren't like me, and you absolutely have to only stay in certain apps or websites, forest chrome extension also has an allowlist function. I definitely would recommend to those who tend to get distracted easily like I  am!

weava : i haven't used weava for long, but I can say it's extremely helpful for whenever I'm doing research for a paper. I can highlight important passages I need for the required in-text citations for my assignments, and it saves the website so I can find it easily when I write my bibliographies (or mybib writes my bibliographies...)

[jadienjaystoriesandart]

First thing is first, I am a Dream Fan, I rather like his content and got into it over the manhunt stuff. Secondly, this is me just throwing my hat into the rink and from the things I’ve read. Thirdly, I’ve only take basic statistics, and it’s more complicated than just looking at numbers. 

This is just some of the questions I ask myself after reading articals about this whole ‘Did Dream Cheat on Speedrunning’?

1. Why make a video at all? Being in college, allegations of cheating are taken seriously, and at the most timely manner. The school will not wait to bring you into the office to ask if you have been plagiarizing or cheating.  So, my question is, why did they make a video calling Dream out? I have not heard nor seen them do this to other players or youtubers. So what makes Dream any different? Because he’s a big name youtuber? That’s pretty suspicious 

2. Why did they wait to get the files? At the utmost conveince, if foudn out anyone has modded or do anything, one should get the files first and at the quickest manner possible. But, instead, (from what Iv’e gathered) they made a video first calling him out as a cheater, then asked for the files. Waiting a total of 10 days! Ten saying he could have changed it in that time. Well, if you have caught him cheating at all, then you should have gotten the files FRIST before anything else! Less of a window of time for him to have changed anything.

3. Backtracking. I noticed in my articals I read about this, that when Dream did give his files over and admitted that, yeah, he does mod for youtuber videos. The team was quick to back track, stating they ‘didn’t have much proof, but his luck was suspicious’.  I’m not law person, but I’ve had enough liars in my life to know that backtracking is a sign that one is trying to make their lie believeable. It’s either they weren’t expecting Dream to give up his files, much less make them public, or they were trying to soften the hate both sides were getting. 

4. Comparison to Trump? Really guys? Trump refused to give up his own taxes returns for a long time, I still don’t know if he did. Compared to Dream who made his files public and gave them up to the team and was honest that yea he mods them for videos. Trump would have refused to give up anything and try to redirect the problem else where. 

5. This was very unprofessionally handled. But I also heard that this team is a group of younger people whoa re volunteer workers. (Don’t know if this a true) I also read they hadn’t even informed Dream they were going to make a video that not only attacked his character, but also hardly told him anything about their suspicions he cheated.  That is not only bad journaling, that is also very deplorable and slander at that point whether he did it or not! Give the fact they even stated they had ‘Little proof’  What should they have done? Oh I don’t know, got his files before anything else, not waiting days to get it. Emailed him in private to ask about this. Hired an actualy person to look over it to see if these allegations were correct if they were that worried. NOT post a FUCKING video attacking his character for the WORLD to see! Espeically on flimsy evidence they have admitted to be flimsy, just strangly lucky. Dream is a youtuber, while popular, he’s a person. (He’s not a white house person in charge of the whole country, he’s a guy with a fan following.)

Had you been caught cheating at a game, event, or anything, would you liked being taken up on stage and called out with no defense to your name in front of everyone? I’d be rightly pissed too and embarrassed!

6. The creditable of the guy Dream hired. Look, I know the document isn’t well put together, nor do we know this guy in person. But, look guys, while I’ll admit it’s suspicious, this guy was hired to explain high level math to a bunch of people who either didn’t read the article, don’t know math that well, or just don’t care. AKA it was dumbed down for a reason. I honestly don’t think many of us would have read an article of a bunch of numbers, when most of us barely read the one the modorators put out. 

Why do we need to know who this guy is? So some of us can send him hate because he dared defend a man who they think Cheated? Don’t deny it, you guys just want to send anon/email hate a poor man making a living because he dared defend someone you hate. It’s no wonder this man possible asked to remain anonymous. Internet dogpiles aren’t always a good thing. 

and 7. Regardless of whether Dream cheated or not is something only Dream will know. And I have to say this, stop throwing your stones from your glass house.  People, I’ll level with you, we aren’t all saints here. Many of us have cheated at something, big or small, in our lives. Whether it be on a test, SATs for college, a college exam, at your work place to get a few extra bucks on overtime, or even to get recongnision for something you didn’t do. If everone was treated the same, like many want, all our dirty laundry would be aired out on a video for the world to see.  Does this mean we should call people out? No, something do need to be stated. But I can’t see how cheating a minecraft game, on a man who placed 16th over all, is a big deal.

Think about this, out of the many submission recived, using probility also, at least a good handful of them have cheated or did something small. Some of these go unnoticed, while others are noticed.  I can bet to you, if Dream did cheat, HE WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE. 

So, my dear readers, why is no one calling them out on a youtube video and sending them hate?  Because theya re lesser known youtubers? I say everyone should be under this mindset of ‘Guilty until proven innocent’ we have going on.

To clarify. It’s all sus on both ends. But I’ll take it in stides and wait it out for this to either blow over or a truth to be found.

Anyway: My personal opinion? I don’t think the guy cheated, all these questions point to something fishy going on with the modorater team. And having been accused myself of cheating, when I never did, it’s a hard battle to fight.

[choicesficwriterscreations]

350 Followers: Meet The Writer

Welcome to 350 Followers Meet The Writer! Like we mentioned last week, the number of followers increased really fast because many of you joined us during our first event, which is why we’re having two Q&A in such short period of time. Again, we’re truly grateful for you all joined us. 

Anyway, this fanfic author is part of the fandom for quite some time and we’re proud to introduce her to the newbies of Choices fandom:

Blog: @darley1101​ Name (and/or petname): Coll Birthday: December 11 Nationality: German/Syrian/with some Scottish and a dash of Russian Current residency: the US Languages you speak: English Masterlist: Coll's Fanfiction Masterlist 

1. Is there a meaning behind your url name? 

I wish I had some creative story behind my url name but alas it is just part of my actual name. I tend to panic when it comes to creating url names.

2. When did you start playing Choices? What's the first book you played? 

I was an avid player of High School Story and Hollwood U so when Pixelberry announced their new app I decided to check it out. I guess you could say I've been there since the start. The Crown and The Flame, followed by The Freshman.

3. When did you decide to join Choices fandom? 

Now this does have a funny/cute story attached to it! You can blame @queen-of-effing-everything​​ for that! I ran across her stories on fanfiction.net and when she announced she would be posting on tumblr I sort of followed her over.

4. Go back to your archive and tell us what was your first post on your Choices blog was about. 

I feel weird saying this but it was my first Choices fic, which was a cringy little drabble about Liam staring at burnt apple trees. 

5. How long have you been writing fanfiction? 

If we're talking about Choices it has been around 3 years, give or take. If we are talking about fanfiction in general I started writing for Grey's Anatomy back in Season 1.

6. Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it or would you change anything about it? 

I am going to go with my first Choices fanfic, which is the burnt apple tree one I mentioned above. I don't know that I feel one way or the other about it but I do know that I wouldn't change anything about it. When I look at it I can see where I started from and compare it to where I am now. There has been definite growth in my confidence with the characters so for me that's more important than trying to perfect it.

7. What are your favorite Choices books to write about? 

I have to be honest, questions like this give me major anxiety! I'm very indecisive when it comes to choosing favorites but if I absolutely have to I would go with The Royal Romance. There is just so much you can do with the characters!

8. Imagine this scenario: you’ve posted a fic anonymously for a contest/writing challenge. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it? 

This is a tough one. A lot of my readers comment on my ability to portray a vast array of emotion with a small amount of words so I guess find a short emotional piece that is probably mine.

9. Which part of writing do you struggle with most? 

All of it. 9 times out of 10 I've spent hours staring at a blank document with a little voice in my head saying 'why bother, you know it's not going to be as good as what others write.' Crazy, I know. I'm working on not comparing myself to others but it's definitely something I struggle with and it has played a huge factor in my writing.

10. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular? 

To the best of my knowledge, no. If anything I try to write stories that are outside the box. There's just something about taking an idea and going in a completely out there direction that appeals to me.

11. Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing? 

Absolutely. Author PC Cast was my creative writing teacher; of course back then she was just a creative writing teacher with dreams of being a published author. If you like vampire stories I strongly recommend checking out her House of Night Series. As far as fandom members who have influenced my writing I would have to say the biggest influence has been blackcatkitta. From the start, we have been honest with one another when it comes to our writing. If something isn't working we're both comfortable enough with each other to say 'that doesn't work,'

12. If someone you know in real life who isn’t involved in fandoms asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? 

My husband has read most of my stories or been involved in some capacity. Does that count? If not, I'm not sure I would let others besides him. I'm very self concious when it comes to my writing.

13. Has writing fanfic had a significant impact on your life? Would you say it’s entirely positive? 

It has had a significant impact on my life. Without going into details it has opened doors that led me to people who have experienced similar traumas. I used to feel very alone, like there was something wrong with me, and now I have a support network that is there to remind I didn't deserve what happened to me, that there was something wrong with the person who hurt me...in return I've been able to do the same for others.

14. You’re applying for the fanfic writer of the year award. What five fanfics do you put in your portfolio?

Maxwell Beaumont's Terrible Day

Bittersweet Symphony

I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

Rain

A Bit of Normal

15. Do you write original stories? 

I want to but I am forever talking myself out of it.

Do you want to contribute with questions/ideas for the next Meet The Writer Q&A? Send us a message.

Thanks for reading! Reblog to share your appreciation for @darley1101​ ❤️

[historicallyace]

Hi hello, I've gone through your whole blog and it's fantastic! Now for my question, which is actually a general...wondering? Have you heard or seen sources for why the AVEN founder, David Jay, is apparently homophobic/misogynist/AntiSemitic? Myself and other Ace Twitter people are looking, but so far all we've found is normal queer growing pains and people making stuff up. I saw that you intended to look into AVEN eventually, so I thought maybe you'd have info?

I’m not planning on doing a post on AVEN any more at this point, because I’m so far removed from that drama and that website that at this point it just feels silly, but yeah, we can talk about David Jay. That might as well be how I start my day.

Let’s start with the fact that these arguments, regardless of any truth to them, are always being made in bad faith. The argument is never “David Jay is a bad person and shouldn’t be in charge of AVEN (aside: is he actually in charge of anything any more? He’s not listed on the moderation team at AVEN any more), and you probably shouldn’t use him as a source of information about asexuality,” it’s always “David Jay is a bad person, and therefore asexuality is bad, and therefore all asexual people are bad.” One of those, given reasonable evidence (take note of that disclaimer, it’ll be relevant later), is a reasonable argument. One of those isn’t.

With that said, let’s break down the arguments under the cut.

If they’re saying “David Jay is homophobic!” what they most likely mean is “David Jay made a joke on an AVEN thread once that involved a slur that I don’t think he has the right to use!” Here’s the thread, which is a shitshow all the way down to be honest, but is peak 2003 Internet. User AVENguy is David Jay, and posts in the thread about changing a university LGBTQ+ group’s acronym to include the word f*g. Given that no such university group has any web presence at all, ever, that I can find (and in particular, Wesleyan University, which is the school Jay attended, seems to generally use queer for its services and student groups), I’m reasonably confident that is is meant to be a joke poking fun at the length of the extended acronym, which you’d think exclusionists would love given how much they love chopping that acronym off at the knees in defiance of all history and logic. Now, I’m not saying that it’s a joke in good taste. But it smells like a joke to me, and doesn’t get treated as one in the court of Internet opinion.

Whether Jay actually has the right to use that particular slur is, to my mind, up for debate as he has had relationships with men (I believe he’s currently in a committed polyamorous relationship with a man and a woman?). I don’t know whether he IDs as bi in addition to ace, although I know people on Tumblr have made that claim. I’ve never seen a source one way or the other. I don’t know whether he’s attracted to men. I do know that I’m 100% not interested in interrogating what words he does and does not have permission to use based on a detailed history of his relationships.

If they’re saying “David Jay is a misogynist!” what they most likely mean is “David Jay has had sex and didn’t enjoy it, and the way he talks about it in interviews is uncomfortable.” See this interview for an example of this. What statements like this get interpreted into is the classic exclusionist line of “asexual people are being manipulative if they have sex”. The way Jay talks about sex is definitely not the way that someone who isn’t ace would expect to talk about sex. It’s not the way that I talk about sex, as an asexual person. But I’m not uncomfortable in a “this man is definitely treating these women badly” way, I’m uncomfortable in a “oh boy, you were obviously making some choices here that weren’t great for you” way. YMMV.

I’ve also heard allegations that Jay was “documenting his sex life with his ex-wife on AVEN.” Given that 1) Jay has never been married, 2) I don’t have enough search terms to go on to find the threads in question, and 3) I definitely don’t remember seeing something like that back in the day when I was actually active on AVEN, I’m inclined to discount that, but it’s an argument that’s out there.

If they’re saying “David Jay is antisemitic!” what they most likely mean is “I don’t like the AVEN logo.” This is honestly one I’d never heard before, and I’m not confident that this is right. If David Jay has actually said or done something that is antisemitic, though, I’m not able to find reference to it. So I’m guessing it stems from something like this, in which an anon is calling out the AVEN logo as antisemitic (under the assumption that is is based on the pink triangle). AVEN’s triangle gradient logo is based on the Kinsey scale (see here for an example of this diagram in use). It is a reconfiguration of the Storms Model. The fact that it is the same shape as the pink triangle is coincidental.

I feel like there could also be a connection to the AVEN mod drama of 2015-2016 - at the time, AVEN’s forums had rules that were enforced in such a way that peoples’ threads would get locked for pointing out that something someone else had said was bigoted (under “personal attacks” rules IIRC). I don’t remember whether there were specific incidences around that rule with antisemitic hate speech, but it is possible. Striking this part because I’ve managed to pull up some of the old references to the mod drama (see here for some details) which was actually older than I remembered it being, and am not finding any references to antisemitism accusations. So it’s probably just the triangle, which again, has no connection to the pink triangle. Two things can be the same shape without being based off each other.

So there you have it. These are the crimes of which David Jay has been accused. I find the evidence to be specious and open to interpretation at best, and flat-out lies at worst. You can, of course, make your own judgement calls.

My personal opinion is that I don’t really like the guy, but I will defend to the death the facts that he is not the be-all and end-all of asexuality, and he probably doesn’t deserve all of the vitriol that is slung at him.

[livlepretre]

I'm so glad you decided to do this ask game. I love your writing style and have been curious about 4, 11, and 54 for a while. Thank you for being so interactive about your writing!

💙💙💙 honestly thank you for asking! I love interacting with all of you here on tumblr, and honestly, talking about writing gives me a lot of energy to see through really long projects (you all know which one). 

4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?

Yes! The most helpful habit I’ve developed is actually finding the right time of day (for me) to write-- I’m best in the mornings, so the first thing I do 2-4 mornings a week is caffeinate and open up my word doc with my wip. Often I’ll reread a few scenes from where I left off to get myself going, and then I write for an hour or two. My thoughts are so much clearer in the early mornings, before I head to work and exhaust my mental energies, that the work flows really freely-- I can often cover the same terrain by writing first thing that I might take all day to cover if I get started, say, on a Saturday in the early afternoon (sad but true). 

I also do like to amp myself up with songs, but I don’t listen to any music WHILE writing-- only beforehand. I find music during writing to be way too distracting. 

I only ever write sober, because I find even a glass of wine throws me way too far off my game (and I hate squinting at my screen). But the more caffeine the better. 

Also, detailed below: I OUTLINE LIKE A FIEND

11. Describe your writing process from scratch to finish.

hmmm okay

so, often an idea will hit me and I will immediately have maybe 3-10 pages that flow really fast... but then I’ll stutter out 

so after that comes the outline. 

and I mean: OUTLINE 

I put my outline at the bottom of my word document, below the scenes that I’ve already written-- for FE this started as a pretty basic series of like, maybe a dozen bullet points overall. As I kept brainstorming and writing and thinking about it, I started having more specific plot points. Every time an idea occurred to me, I added it to the outline. In the beginning this was a very flow of consciousness outline, not even bullet-pointed, just paragraphs and paragraphs detailing in often vague terms the broad strokes of what I wanted to happen and what the emotional beats would be. I think it really has helped me with FE that I had a lot of the BIG moments outlined before I started writing, including the ending, so I knew the narrative arcs and could foreshadow a lot of things, even if a lot of the chapters get written between updates and I have added in a lot of things that have just sort of naturally developed. The good news is that if you overall stick the outline, you can also add a lot of other things in. 

I review my outline A LOT. 

Before I write any particular chapter, I look through the outline, and figure out which pieces I want to include in the chapter. I then go through and MINIMUM outline by bullet point the scenes that will be in that chapter-- although, I like to have the next 5-10 chapters outlined that thoroughly so that I know exactly where I am heading. I cannot stress enough how hard it is for me to write without a blue print. 

Sometimes I write a scene that I end up not using. Rather than deleting it, I move it to the bottom of my word document-- often these scenes can be revised later to fit into the story. 

I also write at the bottom of my outline any scenes/dialogue that pops into my head that I know will happen later. This way, I have it on hand when I get to it. 

For the actual writing, once I start writing a chapter, I pretty much work on it every day until it’s done-- sometimes all I do is tinker with the outline, or write a few sentences, and sometimes I wrote 4,000 words-- it doesn’t matter how much or how little, because in writing, every word is a victory. 

I try to apply the same rule to my creative writing as to my essay writing--just get the idea/emotions/plot out, describe it as clearly as possible, and any finangling with words can be wrestled with on a later pass. 

I usually reread each chapter 5 or 6 times before posting-- often it’s the first thing I do when I open the doc up to write. This is often a good chance to add in connecting scenes, change sentences slightly, or revise paragraphs so that they fit into any emotional arcs/discoveries later in the chapter. I often change lines because earlier writing contradicts something I want to say later in the chapter, or use the chance of the reread to change words/restructure sentences. 

When I get lost, I make character motive charts. Like, I write down each character’s name, and I come up with a list of what each person’s motive is. I then try to come up with a definitive action each person can take to accomplish their goals. Hopefully at least some of these characters will be in conflict. 

Whenever I get to a major inflection point in the story, like, whenever I am about to drop a major plot reveal or change the course of events in some way, I do a major reread-- I reread my whole fic start to finish and use the notes app to copy and paste any paragraphs that are important (from my view as the writer) into a note so that I can keep track. This could include any paragraphs with foreshadowing, plot threads that have not been tied up, characterization notes I’ve forgotten about... anything at all that will help me wrap up anything I may have forgotten about. 

For that matter, the notes app on my phone is also where I punch in anything that occurs to me in the middle of the night or when I’m at work, running errands, etc. 

I basically repeat this process, until I find myself at the end. 

Long story short: It’s all about the outline!

54. Any writing advice you want to share? 

Find your best time to write and take advantage-- when do you feel most mentally alert? when do you feel most inspired? for me it’s early in the morning-- I could potentially write 7 days a week if I wrote at night, but I find I can get a ton more done in 2-4 days of 1 or 2 hours of focused writing than I could blearily staring at my screen. So, even if your BEST window is only available a couple of days a week, that is still a HUGELY productive window of time that will lead to good things!

Outline. As mentioned above. 

If you only write one sentence today, you’ve done the hardest thing: you’ve written. One sentence as often as possible will eventually make it easier to write two sentences as often as possible, and so on. 

Writing is a continuous act of self-improvement. I try not to worry about revising my work too much after I’ve hit publish, instead recognizing that there are fics easily accessible on the internet that I wrote when I was sixteen and yes they are highkey embarrassing but they’re also kind of a badge of honor because wow, I’ve gone from struggling to write a short 2,000 word story to working on an epic length novel. And what people say is true: it is an agonizing process to hit publish, full of self-doubt and hand-wringing (I cannot tell you how often FE has made me NERVOUS because of the content), but the beautiful thing about writing is that when you put it out into the world, you’re giving it over as a gift for everyone else. So, try to let yourself just write as much as possible. 

Be honest in your writing. Go ahead and squash that little voice in your head telling you to hold back on the emotions, to be more solemn, more restrained. So long as you write your heart, it will be true, and there will be people who will connect with the writing because of that.