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watchmegetobsessed · 2 years

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WILDEST FANTASIES (part 7)

⚫️A/N: SURPRISE!!! i originally wanted to wait a bit more before posting this but im impatient and want to wipe the disappointment in myself for deleting part 6 lol and now that im mentioning it, it would mean a lot if yall could revisit the prev part and engage with it bc i was a dumb moron and deleted the original post at almost 500 notes🥺 so that would mean a lot. but anyways, here is the next part, enjoy!

⚫️PAIRING: Professor!Harry X Reader

⚫️WARNING: sexual content

⚫️WORD COUNT: 5.5k

SERIES MASTERPOST

The food is as amazing as the man that made it. He even lights a candle for dinner and it’s truly the most relaxing time you’ve had in probably… forever. Harry is as smart as you always thought him to be, but not the kind to rub it into your face. He also seems to be mesmerized by the fact that you study math and he keeps asking you questions about why you chose it and what your favorite thing about it is.

“You made a mistake with making me dinner,” you sigh, when you’ve licked your plate completely clean.

“And why is that?” he laughs.

“Because it was good and now I want you to cook for me all the time.”

“Oh, so you want me to be your personal chef?”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Alright, I’m fine with that. But that would mean spending more time with me,” he says with a coy smile before drinking up the rest of his wine.

“That sounds terrible!” you roll your eyes dramatically.

Standing up from your seat you walk over to him and as if he was reading in your mind, he pushes himself away from the table enough so you can sit on his lap. His arms lock around you and you take his face in your hands before kissing him.

“I’ve had my appetizer and dinner was amazing, now it’s time for dessert, don’t you think?” you murmur against his lips and you can already feel him growing harder underneath you.

“Excellent idea, Miss Y/L/N,” he smirks before standing up, with you in his arms and you gasp, holding onto his neck while he carries you to the bedroom as if you were absolutely lightweight.

He basically throws you to his bed and you can’t help but giggle as you bounce on the comfortable mattress, watching him stand at the end of the bed with such a sexy, sinister smile on his face. It suddenly weighs down on you that you’re actually gonna have sex with him, after fantasizing about it for so fucking long, it’s finally happening.

And you’re more than ready for it.

He takes his shirt off without a word and you finally lay your eyes on his toned, naked chest. You’ve seen part of his tattooed arm, but you had no idea what was underneath his shirts and reality is better than any image you made up in your head.

“Fuck, I can’t believe you were hiding this!” you groan, making him chuckle as he crawls on top of you, his cross pendant dropping to your chest as he kisses you.

“There’s gonna be no hiding tonight,” he groans before grabbing the hem of your shirt and tugging it off of you and suddenly you realize you’re not wearing your lingerie.

“Wait!” you pull back and he looks at you confused. “I need… I need a minute.”

“Okay, is everything alright?” he asks, rolling off of you and he watches you grab your bag from the floor.

“Yeah, just need to do something quickly. Is this your bathroom?” you point at the door and he nods. “I’ll be back in a minute, I promise.”

Practically you tear your clothes off and put on the set so fast you’re out of breath by the time you finish. Quickly fixing your hair you take a deep breath and try to muster up all your courage before opening the door.

Harry is still lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling and when he hears the opening of the door he pushes himself up onto his elbows, but as soon as he sees what you’re wearing, he sits up straight, his greedy eyes raking your body from toe to head.

“And you’ve been hiding this under your clothes?” he asks and you can’t help but laugh. Walking over to the bed you climb to his lap, the touch of his hand on your naked back makes you gasp and you can’t wait to feel it everywhere on your body.

“What would you do if I said I wear this every time I’m in your class?” you tease him.

“Don’t plant the image into my head, I won’t be able to hold the remainder of the classes without a boner.”

Chuckling you just kiss him, your hands exploring his naked torso, loving the way his muscles fit perfectly into your palms. His hungry kisses move down your neck, to your chest, his lips devouring the swell of your breasts, they look exceptionally great in the push up bra so it was at least worth the fortune. Hooking a finger into one of the cups, he drags it down, your breast flowing out of it and he wastes no time to get his mouth all over it, kissing, biting and sucking wherever he can reach. Without even thinking about it, you start grinding your hips against him, feeling his hard cock through the layers that are still separating the two of you.

Harry unhooks your bra so quickly, you barely register it, and then he tears it off of you, baring your whole abdomen in front of his greedy eyes.

“Look at these perky nipples, so hard, all for me?” he asks, palming both your breasts in his hands as your nipples press against his palms.

“Yes,” you whimper, arching your back so you melt into his touch even more. Leaning down he licks and gently bites them both, a moan slipping through your lips at the sensation. Desperate for more friction between your legs, you grind harder and Harry thrusts his hips up to meet your movements, his cock pressing to your cunt perfectly.

Wrapping an arm around you, he turns and pushes you down to the mattress in a heartbeat, kissing you again with so much passion while he gets rid of his pants, now wearing just as much clothing as you are. He returns to your breasts once again, this time sucking on one spot until there’s a mark on you. It won’t be seen in clothes, but it’ll definitely remind you of him every time you see yourself in the mirror before showering.

You’re starting to grow impatient, wanting to feel him inside you as fast as possible and you try to hint it with grinding your hips against his again, but he just pulls back smiling at you smugly.

“Patience, pretty girl. I told you, I want to take my time with you,” he warns you, one hand rubbing your thigh, giving it a squeeze, but you just whine at him.

“But I want you so bad!”

“Begging is appreciated, but you still can’t rush me,” he chuckles, before kissing you again.

He kisses down your neck then, between your breasts and across your stomach, hooking his fingers into the elastic of your underwear, but then as if he changes his mind, he first presses two fingers against your clit through the lacy fabric, making you gasp from the pleasant pressure.

“I’ve been thinking about the taste of you since our time in my office. I need to taste you again,” he growls before finally pulling your last clothing item off of you.

Thinking of the way his mouth felt on you then has been on your mind nonstop and now you’re about to feel it again. He kisses the inside of your thighs, just like he did before, but right when he is about to dive in, a low, annoying buzzing interrupts the moment.

It’s your phone in your bag and you could already kill whoever it is even though you don’t even know just yet.

“Fuck, let me just mute it,” you pant, crawling off the bed to grab it from your bag.

Kostas’ name is shown on the screen and you’re just about to decline the call when you notice you already have a bunch of texts from him, all of them saying the same thing: S.O.S.!

“Damn it, I need to answer, it’s… it’s important,” you tell Harry with an apologetic look and he just nods.

“Sure, don’t worry,” he says, and it’s not the kind of answer when he is just lying to make himself appear better, he truly means it.

“Thank you,” you breathe out before answering the call. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Where the fuck are you? You know what? It doesn’t matter, you need to get home, now!”

“What happened?”

That’s when you hear the deafening crying that’s mixed with screaming. It comes from Ramona and you instantly know something really bad has happened, because the only time you heard her cry like that was when her aunt got into a car accident and she was in a coma. Luckily, Aunt Lydia woke up weeks later, but Ramona was a mess.

“Ramona is about to faint from crying, from what I could understand, they broke up with Dean.”

“What?! Are you kidding?”

“No, so you better get here, because she needs all the support.”

“Fuck, okay… um, I’ll be there soon.”

“Hurry!” he begs before ending the call.

Sighing with closed eyes you genuinely think about being selfish and not going back, but it vanishes fast. You can’t let one of your best friends down when she needs you the most, you just wish it happened some other time. When you dare to look around Harry is already sitting with a knowing smile on his face.

“Go, your friend needs you,” he tells you softly and you’re quick to get on the bed with him, crawling to his lap, hoping he doesn’t hate you entirely now.

“I’m so sorry, I really wish it didn’t happen now, I want to stay so badly!”

“Nothing to be sorry for, okay? I admire how much you care about your friends.”

“But this was supposed to be our time together finally!” you pout at him, part of you hoping he would convince you to stay, though you know he wouldn’t do that.

“We’ll… find another time for us, I promise,” he tells you softly, caressing the side of your cheek until he takes your chin between his fingers, pulling you in for a kiss. “Our foreplay continues,” he adds with a chuckle.

“I’m fucking fed up with the foreplay,” you groan, but then it turns into a laugh. “I should go,” you hum, kissing him again and it starts to go back and forth, kissing each other without making an effort to leave the bed while his hands are raking your naked back.

“Go, because if you stay one more minute, I might tie you to the bed and you won’t leave until tomorrow evening.”

“Is that a threat or a promise, professor?” you smirk at him coyly, but he just smacks your ass, lifting you off of his lap, making you pout at him sadly.

You get dressed and gather your stuff, still so torn about leaving but you know it’s the right thing to do.

“I’ll drive you home,” he tells you when you’re all ready.

“Oh, no need.”

“It wasn’t a question, Y/N. I’m driving you home. It’s dark outside and I don’t want you taking the bus on your own.”

Fuck. He is so hot when he takes control.

So you end up in his car and he gives you a ride home. Your heart skips a beat when you feel his hand on your thigh, making you turn to face him.

“I know you’re thinking how I must be annoyed with you right now.”

“I am,” you nod truthfully.

“I am annoyed, but not with you. Just with the situation. You didn’t have control over it, so don’t beat yourself about it.”

“Stop being so understanding and mature, it makes it even harder,” you groan, but he just laughs.

“Don’t worry, we’ll make up for the lost time.”

“You promise?” you ask as he turns the corner and reaches your street.

“I promise,” he nods smiling. When he parks in front of your building, you lean over and kiss him hard and needy before opening the door to get out.

“I’m expecting a text tonight from you,” you tell him, biting into your bottom lip as you smirk at him.

“Go, before I drag you back into the car and take you home!” he warns you chuckling.

“Is that a threat or—“ you start again, but he cuts you off.

“GO!”

“Okay, okay!” you giggle, shutting the door closed. You wave at him one last time from the door and then it’s over. Another night without knowing what it’s like to be fucked by Harry Styles.

Ramona is a mess.

When you get home, you find her sobbing and crying on the couch, wrapped up in several blankets, Adele playing through Kostas’ little JBL speaker while he is hoarding chocolate and alcoholic drinks to her, hoping she would at least breathe for a moment.

It takes a hell lot of time to get her to speak without hiccupping every other word, or starting to ugly cry at the mentioning of Dean’s name. After a while, you tell her to just call him D to prevent from breaking over and over again.

And then finally she tells you what happened.

Apparently, Kostas was right about Dean’s frequent trips back home. His dad’s health hasn’t been the best, his heart problems have been getting worse lately and he needed help with the family business he started with his brother. Dean has been trying to go back and forth, but it has gotten to the point where he needs to move back to his parents to help them out with the business. That means that him and Ramona would have to go long distance, but that’s the one thing she refuses to do.

“I saw what it does to people!” she sobs. “My parents did long distance for almost two years and they almost got a fucking divorce!”

If Dean moves back home, it means they would live four hours away from each other for over a year, at least until Ramona finishes school. But that doesn’t mean it would be over even after that, if Dean has to take over the business fully, Ramona would have to move there to be with him, but you know for a fact she doesn’t want to live in a little town.

It’s an impossible situation and in the heat of the argument they went ahead of the drama and called it quits, but it’s now breaking Ramona’s heart.

It’s past midnight by the time Ramona basically faints into bed from all the crying. You make sure she had everything she needs by her bed and then let her rest.

“So, where were you?” Kostas asks as he is cleaning up all the used tissues from the living room floor.

“Huh?” You can feel panic rising in your guts.

“Where were you? With an overnight bag?” he asks, nodding at your bag you took to Harry’s and just dropped by the door once you arrived back home.

“Oh, um… just… got a booty call.”

“What? From who? Since when do you have anyone to hook up with?” he asks with his eyes wide.

“Just a guy I met on Tinder, nothing serious.”

“Is he any good though?” he smirks, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I don’t… know yet. You called before we could…”

“Ah shit, I’m sorry,” he sighs pouting his lips. “Hope it happens next time,” he winks at you before heading back to his room.

“Yeah, me too,” you mumble before doing the same.

It’s the first time you’re checking your phone in a while tonight and you’re disappointed to see no texts from Harry. Your first thought is that he is pissed because you left, but that doesn’t make any sense, he seemed so laid back and nice about the situation, understanding that it was out of your control.

So instead of making up theories, you decide to text him.

Y/N: So… not thinking about me?

You send the text and move on with your night time routine, changing out of the lingerie set is way too sad knowing what was robbed from you tonight. It doesn’t take long for your phone to buzz with a text.

HARRY: I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I dropped you off.

You giggle like a little girl. It feels like you’re a teenager again, having a silly crush on an older boy.

Y/N: You’re so smooth.

HARRY: Indeed, I shaved this morning.

You can’t help but snort out a laugh. You’re not sure if he truly meant it as a joke or if he doesn’t entirely know what smooth means as a kind of slang, but either way, you loved it.

Y/N: That’s something we have in common.

HARRY: Gosh, don’t remind me of what I missed…

Y/N: I’m sorry :( I wish we weren’t interrupted.

HARRY: I’ll make sure to make up for the lost time when we can finally be alone.

Y/N: I can’t wait. Might gonna have to write down more of my fantasies.

You run to take a quick shower, thinking about what it would be like if Harry was there with you and he is still on your mind when you return to your room. You’re throwing off the comforter and extra pillows from your bed when your phone starts ringing and you answer it without even checking the caller ID, assuming that it’s Harry.

“Hey,” you coo into the phone, flopping down to your bed.

“Hey, so you’re not asleep!” The voice on the other end is not Harry’s. It’s Zion. Pulling the phone away from your ear you check the screen that it is indeed him. You’re kind of disappointed, but you wouldn’t want him to know.

“No, not yet, you know, I’m kind of a night owl,” you chuckle. “What’s up?”

“I’m having an early birthday celebration on Friday, you know how hard it is to bring anything together right before Christmas so I decided to have it earlier. Are you, by any chance, free?”

“Oh, yeah, I think I can make it,” you nod, trying to think through what you have coming up next week.

“Cool! I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll text you with the details!”

When you end the call you notice that you have an unread message from Harry.

HARRY: You can only write them if I’m the only one reading them.

Y/N: Only one to read them and act them out with me.

HARRY: Correct answer. Now go to sleep.

Y/N: Yes, professor!

The weekend, even though it didn’t turn out to be the way Harry wanted, keeps him thinking for the next few days. He won’t deny, he was devastated when you had to go, he’s been looking forward to spending the night with you for so long and you were so close to finally make your fantasies come true, but he would never hold it against you. Actually he admires you for being such a good friend, being there for your loved ones when they need you the most.

It’s just that he truly can’t stop thinking about you. And it’s not even entirely sexual anymore. Don’t get it wrong, he still thinks about fucking you in every possible position like a million times a day, but there are other thoughts as well. Like how you slept in the night, what you had for lunch, what made you laugh or if you had a bad day. If you thought about him as much as he did. He wants to hear your voice every waking moment, feel your touch and kiss your perfect, smooth lips whenever he pleases. It’s driving him off the walls, it takes all his energy to get him to focus on basically anything.

It’s Tuesday and it’s been a little less hectic than the past week. He has actually had the chance to leave his office for lunch. He has just finished up his last class for the day, students are flowing out of the room as he is packing up his stuff. He doesn’t even notice you walk in, stopping by the door. When he finally glances up and spots you, he can feel his heart skip a beat. You’re wearing light-washed jeans, a pink sweater that’s tugged into the hem of your jeans at the front, a plain totebag hanging from your shoulder, packed to the extent that it seems like it could rip any moment. You look so effortlessly beautiful, not too much makeup covering your pretty face, though he wishes there wasn’t any.

He watches as you push yourself away from the wall and walk closer as the last student leaves the room and now it’s just the two of you.

“Hey,” you smile at him softly, stopping just a few feet away from him.

“Hey, to what do I owe your surprise visit?”

“Oh, just wanted to talk about my final paper for your class, professor,” you smile at him teasingly.

“Is that so?” he cracks a half-smile as he leans against the edge of the desk.

Dropping your bag from your shoulder you quickly walk back to the door and close it before striding back to where Harry is, this time pushing yourself between his legs as you hook your arms around his neck.

“Y/N, this is risky,” he breathes out, but his hands find their way to your hips still, squeezing you gently, as if he is trying to make sure you’re really there.

“Just wanted to steal a moment with you to get me through the day,” you pout your bottom lip at him and leaning closer you press a soft kiss to his jawline. “Are we gonna give us another chance this weekend?”

“I’m free if you’re free,” he hums, his lips coming to meet with your cheek.

“Then it’s settled. I’ll make sure not to bring my phone this time,” you chuckle.

“Is your friend doing okay?”

“She is… coping. Though I think they will get back together. They have a lot of history, too much to just end like this.”

Humming he nods, his eyes wandering down to your lips and though you both know it’s risky to be doing this on campus and in a classroom where anyone can walk in, you still can’t hold yourself back.

Pressing his lips to yours, he kisses you in such a needy and greedy way, you can feel just how much he’s been thinking about you since the last time you saw each other. You return the kiss just as vehemently, feeling him against you bringing you a sense of fulfillment and even though you’re still kissing him, you’re already missing the touch of his lips, knowing you won’t get to do it for way too long.

“I have to go, I have a class in ten,” you sigh, but go in for another kiss just as his hand moves down to grab a handful of your ass, a small moan escaping your lips.

“This foreplay… is getting way too long,” he groans, stealing one last kiss before letting go of you.

Not too willingly, but you grab your bag from the floor and giving him one last coy glance over your shoulder, you exit the room. Harry needs to take a deep breath, knowing he will be thinking about these few moments for the rest of the day, if not the whole week.

Heading back to his office he runs into Nina who also just finished her class, so the two of them walk together through the hallways.

“Are you coming tomorrow?” Nina asks, but Harry just wrinkles his forehead.

“Coming where?”

“Joseph’s retirement dinner? You know, he sent out the invitations weeks ago.”

Now Harry remembers, but so much has happened in the past weeks, he completely forgot about Dr. Kennedy’s retirement. He’s been teaching at the university for decades and he has decided to spend more time with his grandkids after losing his wife two years ago. He is hosting a big dinner to his colleagues to thank the great time he has had working with them.

“Oh, right. Uh, yeah of course I’m going.”

“How was your weekend?” she asks with a warm smile.

“Not how I planned but it was alright,” he admits with a huff.

“How was yours?”

“Had to meet up with my ex-husband, he finally took his stuff he left behind,” she sighs.

“He’s still a prick?” he chuckles.

“Absolutely. But I’m finally free from him completely.”

“Enjoy your freedom.”

“I’m trying,” she smiles bashfully, a blush appearing in her cheeks as she keeps glancing at Harry who is just silently walking beside her, his thoughts still completely stuck on you.

Wednesday morning, you wake up from a wet dream. Chest heaving, your whole body covered in sweat, you were so close to your climax when your phone’s alarm went off.

And of course, it was about Harry.

This dream sets the mood for the whole day. You’re needy and whiny, want nothing else than to be with Harry. And the scariest part is that you don’t necessarily want it in a sexual way. You just want to be around him, be able to touch him. You still remember the intimacy of just watching him cook in his kitchen, sharing some wine and talking. It’s becoming pretty clear.

You’re starting to fall for him and you haven’t even had sex with him.

You’re not quite sure how to feel about it though. This was all supposed to be just a mind-blowing hook up, a chance to get this obsession about Harry out of your system, but it’s starting to grow bigger and you’re not sure if you’re ready for that.

The day goes by in kind of a blur, you keep thinking about your class with Harry, seeing him, getting to just listen to him for ninety minutes. Definitely the highlight of your day. The end of semester is draining you, staying up late most nights to get as much done as possible so you’ll have the weekend free to be with Harry. You’re a bit ahead of your schedule, since you didn’t lose Sunday last weekend. Even though you spent half the day with Ramona in her room, trying to cheer her up just the slightest, you could still squeeze some work in.

You’d do anything to have the most unbothered time with Harry this week. Nothing can ruin it for you.

You’re already in the classroom when Harry arrives, his eyes are quick to spot you sitting in your usual seat. Trying to keep your smile hidden, you move your eyes down at your notes from your previous class to keep you busy, but you can’t help but focus on his moving form you see from the corner of your eyes. Your phone’s screen lights up and you grab it as if anyone could see it even though no one is sitting anywhere near you.

HARRY: A skirt again? Are you torturing me?

Smirking you glance up finding him already looking at you, mindlessly playing with his phone as he is sitting behind his desk. Just as you start typing your response, a girl walks up to him with a few questions about the final assignment.

Y/N: Want to find out whether I’m wearing underwear or not?

Sending the message you have your eyes glued to him. Listening to the girl explaining her questions, he sees his phone’s screen lighting up and he glances there for just a second, but you see him stiffen right away, his darkened eyes snapping up to meet yours. Grinning to yourself you just return to staring down at your notes and let him finish with his student. When she finally walks back to her seat Harry grabs his phone and types his response.

HARRY: You’re being a brat. Gonna have to teach you a lesson.

Y/N: Bring it on, professor.

It’s obvious that Harry tries to avoid looking at you throughout the class, only because whenever his gaze wanders over you, he needs to hold back a smile. Not sure if anyone else notices it, but you definitely do, the way the corners of his mouth curl up as he continues on with his little speeches.

It’s getting impossibly hard to resist jumping his bones. Especially when he leans against his desk, holding onto the edge and you involuntarily bite into your bottom lip as you see the veins on the back of his hands, running up his arms. This should be illegal.

You plan to sneak a few minutes with him after class, but once he dismisses everyone, another professor walks in, telling him something and Harry just nods. You know when he looks your way that he has to leave fast. Flashing him a tiny smile you let him know it’s alright.

After class, you make one last trip to the library, finishing up a paper so you have one less thing on your list for the end of the semester. After a while, you can’t even pretend like you’re working, your thoughts keep circling back to Harry.

What is it exactly that the two of you are doing? It was about sex at first, that’s pretty clear, but since you’ve had to face some obstacles in that department, something definitely shifted. All the craving to be near him, to see him, hear his voice, it’s definitely more than just a physical attraction.

But how does he feel about you? Judging from the way he’s been acting, the cooking, the talking, the little touches, it definitely feels like it’s more to him as well. But he is older, it could be just his usual gentleman behavior he puts up with everyone, not just with you. You remember him saying that he doesn’t do casual, but then he also said that he would do just about anything to fuck you, what if it’s all just part of that?

You need to sort things out. Especially once you finally get to have sex with him, because that will most likely break the dam for you. And now that you’ve been thinking about him for the past twenty minutes, you can’t fight the urge to see him right now.

Checking the time you decide to ask Harry if he is still in his office.

HARRY: Still here, have to finish a few more things.

Y/N: I’ll drop by in a bit.

You quickly gather your stuff and head over to the building where his office is, hoping to have a few unbothered minutes with him.

It’s around seven now, most classes are over and only the eager professors are lingering around campus. The hallway leading to Harry’s office is dead, but you see light coming through the open door and your heart skips a beat at the thought of seeing him. However, as you get closer, you hear voices coming from inside, one belongs to him and one to a woman. With quiet steps, you get as close to the door as possible and though you know you shouldn’t eavesdrop on the conversation, you can’t help yourself.

“Is it okay if I ride with you? My car is at the service,” you hear the female voice and you recognize it as Professor Alvarez’s.

“Sure, no problem. We can leave in about twenty,” Harry answers.

“Great. I’ve heard a lot about this place, they have the best desserts!” she enthuses and your vision blurs from jealousy.

These two are having dinner together? Again? Harry said it was just a friendly thing when you were at his place and he was so keen on disappearing from the house. But you’ve seen the way she looked at him in his office last time when she interrupted your time with him.

“You cleaned up for the occasion nicely,” she giggles. You try to think back at what he was wearing earlier, but it was nothing special, just his usual, has he changed? This has to be a date then.

“Thanks,” he chuckles. “You look nice too.”

Nice? You don’t see her but you bet she looks awful.

No, that’s a lie, she always looks wonderful, she is by far the hottest female professor on campus. Shit, you’re so fucked.

The rest of their conversation blurs because you back away from the office and once you’re far enough from them, you start running. You feel silly for thinking this was more than just anything casual, he is still out there, dating women that are age appropriate for him and probably please him better than you can.

On your way home you quickly send him a message.

Y/N: Something came up, can’t make it.

His reply comes just seconds later.

HARRY: Everything alright?

Y/N: Sure. Have fun tonight.

HARRY: ??

You don’t answer, just put your phone on mute and shove it to the bottom of your bag as you march home, raging and boiling in anger and jealousy.

NEXT PART

Thank you for reading! Please like and reblog if you enjoyed!

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actualsunflower · 3 years

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I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

#commission info #donation post #i know it seems like all i do is cry about needing money #but my god. bitches really do be needing money #its me im bitches #top surgery fund #help yer local transmasc flower #pls

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chuckaf · 3 years

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Chuck Fic Rec List: Updated

So my fic rec post was in my notifs again the other day, and I noticed a while back that the formatting on the post has gotten all messed up and it’s also had like three reblog additions to it anyway meaning there are three versions out there lol. so, I wanted to do another list of chuck fic recs! I’ll keep the other one up still, so I’m not gonna repeat every fic here, just some I really recommend. I’m also adding the fic summaries, which I didn’t on the old post, and some more of my own opinions so, buckle up for a long post!

Chuck Versus the Steampunk Chronicles | Steampunk.Chuckster

1896. A world powered by steam, where humans and machines coexist, and airships are the fashionable mode of transport. The US Empire's deepest and darkest secrets arrive at Chuck Bartowski's doorstep. Have they fallen into the wrong hands? Or will the inventor prove his mettle, even while he's forced to hide from the very people he's protecting? AU, ongoing chronicle, Charah.

A genuinely incredible AU story, with an entire crafted world and universe, so detailed it frequently blows my mind. There is heart and family and infuriatingly brilliant slow-burn, plus a buttload of danger and super fun historical/steampunk action. Oh how I LOVE it.

Chuck vs the Charade | somedeepmystery

When computer nerd Chuck Bartowski returns home to an empty apartment and a dead girlfriend he finds himself embroiled in a deadly game of espionage and deceit. Everyone around him is playing a part to get what they want and when he starts falling for the new woman in his life, he can't help but wonder if he can trust her or if she's the one he should fear the most.

An action and twist-filled AU based on the movie Charade, which is just such a brilliant fic concept I absolutely adored it from the start.

Two Sides of the Same Coin | dettiot

When you're a spy, there's all kinds of occupational hazards when you work with another spy. For Sarah Walker, though, one mission becomes a life-changing experience. Because working with Charles Carmichael leads to protecting Chuck Bartowski.

The first time I read this fic my mind was just blown to its genius. Such a brilliant interpretation of what the Intersect and its concepts set up in the show could be, and ooooof the Chuck/Sarah interactions, my HEART. Related to it, its companion piece:

A Flip of the Coin | dettiot

What made Charles Carmichael agree to become Chuck Bartowski? Well, to start, it wasn't as much of a change as you'd think. A companion to the early chapters of Two Sides of the Same Coin from Carmichael's perspective.

Chuck vs The Butterfly Effect | n7agentbartowski

Chuck Bartowski is a normal guy who just hit rock bottom. No girlfriend, no career and no super computer stuck inside his head. It isn't until Chuck meets a gorgeous stranger on the beach that he begins to think his life is about to change for the better. An AU Chuck fic without the Intersect. "Change one thing and it changes everything."

I said it on the OG post, but this story has one of my top 5 Chuck/Sarah fic meetings. So funny, so... very Chuck. The story is a little angsty overall, but a great read.

Chuck vs the Rogue Spy | Crumby

When a rogue spy from Chuck Bartowski's past shows up to help him during his first solo mission, Chuck hopes that he'll finally find out what happened to Sarah Walker. Post-S2 AU.

There’s a lot of Season 3 fix-it fics out there, which I don’t usually read bc I actually love season 3 lol, but this one’s a good one! A twisty deviation from canon, but still feels really true to character.

Chuck Versus the Nerds Rewrite | Steampunk.Chuckster and David Carner

What happens when two nerds talk endless hours about their favorite TV show? A new take on the show you know, but with the flair, twists, and turns you've come to expect from Steampunk . Chuckster and david . carner. Somewhat canon. Charah.

As the summary says, a different take on the show, which honestly makes a couple changes I would too, but also adds a bunch of fun twists and plots that make it totally new and fresh. Seeing Chuck and Sarah’s thoughts in the more canon sections is just delicious, too.

The Trapped Assassin | SarahsSupplyCloset

After a mission goes awry, the CIA's most lethal assassin is ordered to take vacation while her superiors figure out what to do with her. But when she meets a disarming tourist, their immediate connection only adds to her disillusionment with the agency and her career. Will he be enough for her to finally take the plunge and leave the only life she's ever known? Charah AU

A warning for the very justified M rating if you don’t like that sort of thing, but this is definitely a plot-heavy fic, too. A really neat Sarah-heavy AU, with a whole lotta Chuck/Sarah fancy French vacationy goodness.

Chuck vs the Second Chance | malamoo

AU from mid-season 2 and onwards. Chuck and Sarah part ways only to be reunited years later. COMPLETE.

Literal, crying-at-my-screen angst. Not even a super happy ending. But a brilliantly written, part-reflective/flashback fic, exploring what would’ve happened if Chuck and Sarah’s relationship really was an assignment all along-- and the aftermath. It’s heartbreaking. But if you want a little heartbreak, this is your fic.

Ready at Your Hand | dettiot

In the reign of Queen Elizabeth I, a Catholic plot against the queen comes to the attention of spymaster Sir Francis Walsingham. To protect Elizabeth, he develops an unusual plan: hide the passing of intelligence between two agents by a false romance. When Lady Sarah Walker and Chuck Carmichael meet, though, their pretend flirtation becomes much more.

I love Chuck fic for the very reason that it’s inspired such adventurous and totally unique AUs. Here’s some Elizabethan fake-dating Chuck and Sarah! They have to be so Proper, it’s like that hand moment from Pride and Prejudice but Elizabethan and times a billion. The pining!!

Sarah Versus Getting Married | Steampunk.Chuckster

Sarah Walker is getting married. Canon. Charah.

I’d recommend all of SC’s fics if I had the room, and I’m already recommending a ton sksks but most of my fic recs are AUs, and this one isn’t! It’s canon, and covers some of in the gap in 4x24, with Sarah just before the wedding itself. Super sweet, heart-tugging, brilliant.

A Chuckmas Carol | Mikki13

A new twist to Dickens' beloved "A Christmas Carol". When Sarah begins to shut out the world around her, three spirits come to show her the error of her ways. Season 3 AU.

Another Season 3 AU, this one written pre-series so it definitely doesn’t fit to canon, but it’s still wonderfully rich in character depth and angst and it also made me cry. Plus, festive!

Chuck Versus Thin Ice | Steampunk.Chuckster

On the doorstep of the Olympics, top American curler Sarah Walker has lost her mixed doubles partner and her boyfriend in one fell swoop. Her coaches throw newbie Team U.S.A. curler Chuck Bartowski onto her team and thrust them into the Olympics, hanging America's curling hopes on two people who only have a short amount of time to learn to trust one another. Charah AU.

Do you like curling? Or the Winter Olympics? It doesn’t really matter because somehow this fic made me extremely invested in both of those things, as well as Chuck and Sarah and them being INSUFFERABLE. Catch me now knowing a ton about curling thanks to this fic.

Walker’s Eleven | Moonlight Pilot

Not the same plot as the movie. Sarah Walker never got out of the con game or became a spy, and now she's on her final con. What happens when true love and betrayal get added to the mix? Twists, turns, and Jeffster!

Con!Sarah always interests me, and this fic is full of her. Lotta con plot, lotta Chuck and Sarah.

The Detective and the Tech Guy | thecharleses

Sarah Walker is a Pinkerton detective. Chuck Bartowski is an electronics genius. They wouldn't have met except for a case of mistaken identity and murder. Will the detective and the tech guy solve the mystery, distracted by the riddle in their own hearts? An homage to The Thin Man film series. Formerly co-written by Steampunk . Chuckster and dettiot, now ONLY Steampunk . Chuckster.

Everyone in this fic is so damn cool. There are so many martinis. But also great heart and family and like, standing up for who you love, and later also Chuck with Baby Clara content which frankly the show robbed us of. Also, PI!Sarah!!!

Gravity | Poetic4U

AU. Sarah makes a decision that altered her life forever.

This is just a one-shot, which many of these stories are not, so a good one if you don’t fancy a big read! Just because it’s short, though, doesn’t mean it’s lacking; a really awesome what-if AU, and heavy on the Chuck and Sarah.

A Yuletie Tale | Steampunk.Chuckster

Sarah Walker was dumped the day before Christmas Eve, and her Plus One at her work’s annual Christmas Eve Soiree is now officially a Plus Zero. Her best friend Ellie Bartowski has a solution to her problem, and Sarah finds she isn’t quite as sure about it as Ellie is. AU Christmas Charah.

I’m particularly in love with this fic because, instead of beginning with a meet-cute, it involves Chuck and Sarah already two years into a friendship-- Sarah is Ellie’s best friend. And she’s been crushing harrrd on Ellie’s brother. Also Chuck is in a tux. It’s pretty.

Set, Spike, Dive! | Frea O’Scanlin

Chuck never expected to even make it to the Olympics. Everything is working against him: he's too tall for a diver, too inexperienced for a medal, too much of a wildcard to really make his mark. But an unexpected meeting at the airport, some intriguing new friends, and a whirlwind romance on the sand just might set up London 2012 as the time of Chuck Bartowski's life.

A London 2012 AU, because why not. This is just a fun Olympic-y ride!

OTP (One True Pairing) Prompts | David Carner

A series of Prompts I found online about different times and places in Chuck and Sarah's life. Mostly AU, mostly one-shots. I assume mostly fluff, but I might get deep. I doubt it, it's me. Charah...ALWAYS (It says complete, but if an idea strikes me...)

If you’re not so into long stories, this fic is perfect. Individual set-ups and stories, all Chuck and Sarah, and all super cute. You could dip in and out and just pick a scenario you enjoy.

Chuck vs The Frontier | ninjaVanish

AU: Chuck was enjoying a simple life as a 19th century watchmaker until an encounter with a beautiful Secret Service agent thrust him into a world of intrigue and adventure he never wanted. But then, with Agent Walker around, it can't be all bad, can it?

This fic gets props for being historically-set but still including the Intersect. Again, a historical AU, so the pining!! the need to be Proper!!! But besides all that, there’s a lot of action fun as well.

Chuck Versus The Crosswalk: Remastered | WvonB

Will a last minute mission help our two favorite characters finally get together? This is the remastered version of my first story.

The original version of this fic is on my first list; this is the updated version! It’s not a complete AU, instead a story that diverges from canon, so if you’re more into canon characters and setting than a new AU scenario, this is a great fic for that.

Little Girls, Paper Wreaths, and Choc Chip Cookies | DanaPAH

Very AU: Sarah Walker is a single mother whose Christmas spirit needs a boost after a tough divorce. She isn't quite ready to go looking for romance, but her little daughter's affection for their new neighbor may lure it right to her doorstep, anyway.

An incredibly sweet AU one-shot where Chuck and Sarah are new neighbours, and Sarah has a super cute little girl. So much sweetness and love and hope. I love this fic so much it literally led me to write my own neighbour-kid-AU, so, not to toot my own horn but I’ll link it here anyway.

May Your Walls Know Joy | halfachance

Looking for a fresh start after some tough times, Sarah and her three-year-old daughter move to LA. When they meet a sweet curly-haired nerd who lives next door, though, Sarah realizes they might just find more happiness than they'd ever imagined, if only her past doesn't catch up to her first. AU.

It’s what the summary says; if you wanna read, feel free!

Chuck vs the Sound of Music | quistie64

AU. Chuck, nerd extraordinaire, is a man with seven children and Sarah must protect them all from Fulcrum's evil designs. Warning: there will be singing.

I mean. Not much mystery as to the concept with that title and summary lol, but this is a super fun, soft ride with a lotta sweetness, and yes, singing.

Just Two People | David Carner

Meet Sarah Walker PhD, Psychologist, specializing in personality traits. Meet Chuck Bartowski, man who has left THE electronic company of 2020. When Burton Consultants tries to figure out what is wrong with the morale of Orion Industries, what happens when a guy named Chuck meets a woman named Sarah. I'll give you a hint, it's me writing.

David’s done something pretty special with this fic. It’s Chuck and Sarah centric, but very much an ensemble piece, too, with a lot of Team Bartowski and other familiar faces throughout.

Chuck Versus the Con Game | Steampunk.Chuckster

AU. Chuck and Sarah are partners in the con game. It's an existence wrought with danger and violence. Every day could be their last. Every mission could be the end of the line.

This is where I freak out SC and declare this fic the reason I ever got hooked on Chuck fic and then wrote Chuck fic, and the reason I still love it today but. that is true lol. Just so. so good. It’s also written with the chapters out of chronological order, which is super fun from a reading perspective. But con!Sarah AND con!Chuck?? Best. The kind of fic you will be thinking about for days (if not, y’know, years).

As you can tell by the repeats, I highly recommend just about anything by Steampunk.Chuckster, dettiot, or David Carner, but there are a TON of amazing Chuck fics and authors out there. I’ve never known a writing community so wildly creative-- there are so many unique AUs and canon explorations and story concepts that this show has manifested, and it’s all so much fun.

Most of the Chuck fic community is still over on FFN rather than AO3, so if any of these whet your appetite, feel free to have a browse there for more stories. I’m sure you’ll find something great. Personally, all the incredible writing there has also led me to write a buttload; I’m at halfachance on FFN, so if you see any of my stuff or wanna chat fic, feel free to message me there or here.

Happy reading, folks!

#chuck #fic rec #chuck fic #nbcchuck #praying if i edit this to add to it or i reblog it to add to it all the links stay and the line breaks don't disappear sksks #the old one still looks okay on desktop but it's messed up on the app and on mobile and it's just all generally messy #so i've been wanting to make this for aaages lol yay to finally doing something! woo!

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jj-bxby · 4 years

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brain cells ~ jj maybank request

requested by @maybebanks like, a long time ago (sorry!! i also changed up the ending a tiny bit bc i needed some fluff in my life) ~ can you write a request, Jj x y/n and they ‘hate’ each other so the pogues abandon them together on the boat. Jj starts smoking and it makes y/n anxious because she has a bad past/impression on drugs.He thinks she is just being annoying but she is shaking and wiping her tears so he doesn’t see.JJ starts to feel bad and he reluctantly stops. He tries to get her to admit she’s afraid but she is too proud and he sees her sensitivity so he apologizes, letting her rest her her head on his shoulder💕💕

word count ~ 2.1k

tw ~ weed, swearing, fluff

“Why didn’t you tell me JJ would be here, Sarah?” You demanded in a hush while you crossed your arms over your chest. “You know that I can’t stand him!”

You just pulled the girl aside as you had seen the blonde tufts of hair that you knew so well. Sarah, one of your best friends, had invited you and Kiara, your other best friend, out on her dad’s boat for a “Girl’s Day.” Now, you found out that John B promised a fishing day to JJ on the same boat. And that means that you were going to be stuck in the middle of the sea on the same boat as Captain Asshole, JJ Maybank. It seemed like whoever was controlling the Strings of Fate had decided to set any friendship you and JJ tried to form into a complete hate fire. It wasn’t your fault that he was a complete dick, it was his. All of his hookups he couldn’t care less about, his lack of manners, and the fact that he can’t keep still for five seconds all pissed you off.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N, you know why! You wouldn’t have stepped so much as a toe onto the dock if you knew JJ was going to be here,” Sarah whisper-shouted at you. “You need to get used to JJ being around because he isn’t going anywhere, and neither are you.”

“But I-”

“-Hate his guts, I know, Y/N.” You frowned at Sarah, annoyed that she knew all of your argument. “Try and tolerate his guts for today, ‘kay?”

You grumbled an agreement, her dragging you to the front of the deck where the boys were talking at. “Hey Y/N!” John B grinned, giving you a giant hug to make you laugh.

“Hey, brother,” you joked. John B had definitely become something of a brother to you, being there when boys got on your nerves (even when it was JJ), when you were drunk and couldn’t be trusted to get home on your own, when you were sad, or just when you needed a place to stay, he was always there. You waved to Kie, who was now ascending the stairs to the boat after grabbing the food for the day. She smiled blissfully, knowing you had found out about the lie and that you were going to talk her ear off about it that night.

“Hey, Princess,” JJ nodded to you. “Decided to get out of your castle today?” You gritted your teeth, already annoyed by the condescending tone dripping from his words.

“Yeah, sure. I was promised a girls’ day, but clearly, that’s not happening since John B is here,” you said with your honey-sweet voice. JJ rolled his eyes and peeled himself from the railing.

“So where’s Pope at then?” JJ asked JB, whose eyes flickered to Sarah’s.

“Oh, uh, he said he had to work today,” John B clarified.

You thought to yourself for a second, a look of confusion spread across your face. “I thought he didn’t work on Sund-”

“Hey, y’all! Guess who brought us food!” Kie shouted when she ran onto the deck with everyone. We all smiled and greeted her quickly, giving hugs and thanking Kiara for the lunches. Once all of the fuss calmed down, JB and Sarah headed to the cockpit to start us on our course.

You started to pull Kiara towards you to save you from being alone with JJ, before hearing John B call out. “Kie, can you untie us from the dock?”

“Sure!” She pulled her arm away from your grip, turning around to give you a smug smile as she walked towards the stern.

“I am going to kill you,” you mouthed. Sighing, you turned back to see JJ staring at you with a pompous smirk on his face.

“Guess you’re stuck with me, Princess,” he said.

You hated that nickname. JJ knew you hated that nickname. You, John B, and JJ all grew up together, you and JJ being on the same street. He called you Princess to mock how easily you could make friends and slip into popular crowds, which was quite ironic considering your current position with him. “Don’t be too pleased with yourself, JJ, we haven’t been abandoned. Just because I can’t avoid you by talking to Kie doesn’t mean I’m alone with you willingly,” you grumbled, plopping down on the seat nearest to you. You liked the feeling of the boat rocking as you were steered out from the marina and into the open sea. JJ scoffed when you pulled out your phone to take pictures.

“You’re not even going to try to talk with me, Y/N? You’d really rather take pictures for your fake-ass Instagram instead of having a conversation?”

You were already annoyed, knowing JJ was just nit-picking your every move. “Yes, JJ, I would rather take pictures than talk with you. Know why? It’s because you’re such an arrogant asshole that people only fucking tolerate you so that they don’t rock the boat.”

JJ laughed bitterly as he turned his body away from you. “You’ve got that twisted, Princess. You are such a bitch!” JJ shouted at you. “Every time that you open your mouth, you just have to judge me or be fucking annoying with how you make everything about you!” As the boat pulled to a stop, you heard the anchor drop with a splash and a hum in the distance.

“Oh please,” you sneered. “You’re the one who judges me! Talking shit about my boyfriends, about what I post and how I like to look, you’re always high, and you always have to call me that irritating name.”

JJ’s derisive smile cracked across his face. “Oh, you don’t like it when I call you Princess, huh?”

“No, I fucking don’t, JJ!” “Hm,” he started, “from what I’ve heard, you seem to like it a lot when you’re f-” JJ was cut off by the sound of splashes, one, two, three.

Your heads whipped around to see your friends swimming toward the HMS Pogue, which Pope was manning. “BE NICE TO EACH OTHER,” Pope shouted as he helped the pogues onto the boat.

“Where do you think you’re going?” You called, stomping to the edge of the boat to call out to them.

“If you guys aren’t going to get along by yourselves, we’re just gonna have to force you together. Play nice!” Kiara shouted back. The Pogue hummed while Pope turned it in the other direction and sped off with your friends waving. You and JJ flipped them the bird simultaneously.

“I need new friends,” you muttered, pushing past JJ to sit down on the deck.

JJ rolled his eyes, grabbing his backpack. “Looks like they left us a note,” he said with a frown, plucking the paper from his bag. “‘Left some sandwiches, waters, and blankets for you, we’ll be back when we think you guys have calmed down. Play nice. From JB, Sarah, and Kie’,” JJ sighed. “Oh wait, there one more part. ‘We’ll come tomorrow morning at the latest, from Pope’.” You groaned, setting your face in your hands.

“This is so dumb. Why do they think this will fix anything?” You asked, furious.

JJ shrugged at you. “It won’t work if you don’t try and talk, Princess.”

“Stop calling me that,” you seethed. “I’m not going to try and negotiate peace with someone who intentionally infuriates me.” JJ rolled his eyes at you and dug around in his bag. Eventually, he pulled out a hand-rolled joint in a small bag.

“You need something to calm you down. Both of us do,” he grumbled. He picked the joint from the bag, lighting it with his Zippo.

You felt a flutter in your stomach. “JJ, please don’t do that.”

He rolled his eyes again before taking a drag, leaving you to watch the billow of smoke coming from his lips. “Chill out, God. I know you can’t stand me, you’ve told me that enough. Just stop bitching about everything for ten minutes, okay?” JJ snapped at you. You tapped your fingers together, trying to distract yourself from the sourly familiar smell.

“Can you just not smoke right now, please? It freaks me out,” you explained nervously.

He let out a breathy laugh. “Everything freaks you out, Princess. Deal with it.” He took another puff and you stood up, walking to the opposite railing to look out at the sea. You felt tears welling in your eyes as you got up, and they were falling by the time you got to the rail. The smell triggered the memories of bad parties flashed in your head; the one where guys hit on you and touched you and you had to shove them off, the ones where you got into fights, and the time where you ended up high and crying and panicking for hours. You wiped the tears from your face, trying to stifle any sniffles.

You heard footsteps come up behind you, and JJ’s soft voice followed. “Y/N, are you crying?”

You sniffled again, wiping at your nose. “No. I’m just sad thinking at all of the brain cells you’re losing right now.”

He came up beside you and looked at your face. “Weed really freaks you out that much, huh?” He mumbled sympathetically, wiping away a stray tear. “I’m sorry, Princess,” JJ whispered. You hadn’t heard him use this soft tone with you in forever, and you had never heard him say your nickname so sweetly. “I’ll put it out, okay?”

You nodded at him quickly, and he stubbed the joint. You walked back to sit on the bench of the boat. “Thanks, JJ.”

He sat down next to you, seeming much more relaxed. “No problem,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry. For not listening and for being a dick.”

“Apology accepted.” You gave a shy smile. “I’m sorry for freaking out on you and for being a bitch.”

JJ grinned back at you. “Apology accepted. Although, my remaining brain cells are just curious about why you were so anxious.”

You ran your hand through your hair, sighing. “I just haven’t had any good experiences with drugs. They’ve all been pretty awful whether I was the one doing them or it was someone else.” JJ nodded solemnly, and you turned to look at him. “Why have you been so annoying to me all of these years, JJ?”

He looked taken aback for a second, then answered. “I don’t know. I guess for a while I felt like you were taking away my best friend,” he began. “Once I realized we could all be friends together and started spending more time together, I think… I think I started to fall for you somehow. And I really didn’t know how to deal with those feelings, so I shoved them aside and went for the ‘be an asshole’ route.” You felt a tingle spread across your skin at his words, and you had to remind yourself to close your mouth.

“So, uh… Why?” You asked him

JJ laughed in response. “What do you mean ‘why’? Look at you! You’re gorgeous and smart, and if I’d just be nice to you then you would be incredibly sweet like you are with everyone else, and you are just generally pretty fantastic,” he rambled. “I just couldn’t deal with any feelings for a while, so I sabotaged them.” You shook your head in disbelief.

“Jesus Christ, JJ,” you shook your head at him in disbelief. “If you would’ve told me then we could’ve stopped annoying everyone a long time ago!” You giggled at him and bumped your shoulder against his.

“Wait, do you mean…?” JJ trailed off, confused.

“That I also have feelings for you? Yes,” you nodded. “We could’ve been annoying our friends by making out all the time, instead of by fighting all the time.”

He chuckled back at you, “Well, it’s not too late to start.”

You smiled at JJ, as he tilted his head down towards yours, pressing his lips softly to yours. After a few minutes of sweet kisses, you pull back from JJ. “They’re gonna wish they hadn’t done this,” you grinned, resting your forehead against his.

“Oh hell yeah, they will,” he mumbled, ducking down to kiss you on the cheek. You smiled, setting your head on JJ’s shoulder as he slung his arm around you. The two of you watched as your friends drove the Pogue in your direction, the sun setting above you.

“Love ya, Princess,” JJ whispered to you cutely.

“Love ya too, Jay.”

Yeah, the pogues would soon be regretting leaving you two on that boat soon enough.

moots/tags ~ @drewswannabegirl @jiaraendgame @midnightmagicmusingsmain @pink-meringues @jjsbxtch @maybanksbaby @starksweasleymain @starkeysdunn @futuretaxcheat @aesthetic-lyss @obx-direction-sos @joshy-obx @x-lulu @http-cherries @poguestyle17 @ifilwtmfc @bbeauttyybbx @shelbsays @softstarkey @fansxdom

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amelia · 3 years

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related to that last ask but now i actually have a question! what are your favourite episodes for amy as a character? (sorry if i’m pestering you btw you don’t have to answer right away ❣️)

it is absolutely never a bother for me to talk about amy pond!! gosh though this is a Question. okay. i did interpret this as episodes that are my favorite for the lens of My Understanding Of Amy instead of favorite pond era episodes as a whole if that makes sense? under the cut bc i got long as i tend to do

i think my number 1 has to be the big bang, because it really is just like. okay, pond era absolutely runs into the problem of frequently making stories/episodes that should be centered around amy's emotional journey actually about somebody else — but the big bang is all hers. it is all on her! she's leading the show SHE'S the one in the pandorica SHE'S the one who remembers the doctor into existence it is HER choice to say goodbye to leadworth and continue to travel completely without remorse SHE IS THE HERO. it goes from "time can be rewritten, he'll find a way" to AMY being the one who finds the way. rory and river and the doctor all of course get their Moments but it's unquestionably amy's spotlight moment the whole way through

i have also ALWAYSSS been obsessed with starless universe amelia and the way that she still believes in stars in a world where they DON'T EXIST the power of her mind and the conviction of her beliefs is a CORE TENET of amy's character, the doctor has NOTHING to do with it!!! it's just who she is !!! best character of all time <3

other things about the amy's writing in this episode i love: the line "the universe pouring into her dreams every night," space florida outfit <3, ok i obviously do not love this but i think so much about amy talking about the doctor at her wedding and her mother is still like "NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN… i thought the psychiatrists FIXED her" like once again !!! a UNIVERSAL CONSTANT that amy is the one who believes in things nobody else does and is LOUD about it and is RIGHT !!! (let's kill hitler tried to retcon this but it simply won't work on me ❤️ just like anything else about the let's kill hitler flashbacks ❤️❤️❤️), OKAY DOCTOR DID I SURPRISE YOU THIS TIME? <3

number 2, i think, is the eleventh hour itself? like it's just… i've rewatched it so many times and it's still the most captivating character introduction i have ever seen. i know i'm biased but i love it so much. her introduction as a clearly neglected seven year old girl (constantly think about the deleted line that has her talking to aunt sharon and saying "you're not supposed to leave me, i'm seven!" WOOF) who's not afraid of anything except for the crack in her wall… she has drawings up all over her house of burning houses, she draws smiley faces into her apples bc her mom used to do that, she can cook for herself way better than i could at seven, and she desperately just wants to leave. but when the doctor tells her he'll be back in five minutes, amy is already so used to adults leaving her and breaking their promises that she doesn't believe him. but he makes her believe anyway. and he doesn't come back.

and all of the rest of her character hinges on that introduction — of course she has to believe him, he was REAL, nobody can take his realness away from her even if she is the only one who believes. but he also left her all alone for so long, just like everyone else who was supposed to be there for her did, so what good does that to her? so yeah of course she grows up angry and bitter and hiding those layers of hurt deeply under the surface, scorning all attachment and serious relationships because she knows she can't trust them. she outwardly distances herself from her childhood self by changing her name but she IS still just such a child inside.

she's not ready to settle, to grow up, to become what everyone in her tiny village wants her to be, thinks that she should be — so when she gets the chance to GO, of course she takes it. but she's also not just going to let the doctor off the hook for [gestures] her entire life, you know? the exchanges "people always say that" "i'm not people, do i even look like people?" | "people always have a reason" "do i look like people?" "Yes." always just GUT ME. she may trust him but it's NOT a blind trust, it can't be.

number 3 has to be the beast below it just makes me SCREAM how good that episode is at really developing amy through her compassion for other people — right from the start she sees that kid crying and she thinks the doctor must ignore stuff like this all the time, and she says that she could never do that. she's learning and intuiting leaps and bounds about the doctor with everything he says to her — which is another one of my favorite amy character traits, the way she is SO quick to pick up on things about other people and analyze them. everything that she picks up about the doctor allows her to KNOW what to do to save the star whale, allows her to be confident in the fact that the star whale wanted to help the whole time. the choice is IN HER HANDS she IS THE HERO <3 as she always should be. you couldn't just stand there and watch people cry! all that pain and misery and loneliness and it MADE IT KIND. i don't care how overused that quote is it still HITS !!!

um. number 4 is the girl who waited but my very specific headcanon-ridden interpretation and cutting out all that garbage "rory's the most beautiful man i've ever met" "defying destiny causality the nexus of time itself for a boy" bullshit. idk there's so many terrible things about this episode but it also gave me so much to think about when it comes to amy it's on my mind a LOT. one thing i think about is the way it parallels amy's first abandonment by the doctor — not just in the obvious sense but in the way that she's actively fighting for her life in a hostile atmosphere, but nobody else SEES it as a hostile atmosphere. the two streams facility is leadworth like it really is. and what adds a more chilling component is the way the handbots signature line is "do not be alarmed, this is a kindness" — like all the people who were trying to convince amy she was crazy throughout her entire childhood really thought they were doing her a kindness. they thought they were helping her. but they were killing her. because she wasn't made for that environment.

beyond that i am just obsessed with 36-years-later amy she is an icon she is a legend she is the moment i don't care! every mean thing she said about the doctor and rory was absolutely deserved and in fact she should have been so much meaner! she is SO SMART she makes her own SONIC PROBES OUT OF CAMERA PHONES the fact that she even was able to SURVIVE THAT LONG and in COMPLETE isolation and still retain her own mental faculties is just insane to me it speaks so much about her insane mental strength oh my god it makes me sooo emotional i am tearing up a little typing this right now.

i just am always THINKING about the line "there he is, the voice of god. number one lesson: survive, because no one's coming for you. you taught me that" it says SO MUCH about her. oh my god older amy didn't want to die she'll be kicking and screaming and fighting til the end… i fucking hate this show and picking and choosing when paradoxes should apply OLDER AMY DESERVED TO LIVE

number 5 is probably the power of three but my own very headcanon infused interpretation of it. because it's like. the ultimate miscommunication/misunderstanding that exists between amy and the doctor coming to a head. where amy in 7.02 is like "i can't not wait for you, even now. (…) we think you're weaning us off you" (that line always makes me slow exhale … the phrasing of the doctor as a drug) and the doctor keeps insisting that's not true, "you'll be there until the end of me" "or vice versa" (and they have that loaded held stare and you know they're both thinking about what he said to her before he left in the god complex…)

but it's not until this episode where amy starts to actually believe he means it. at the same time she's spent so much TIME preparing for the inevitable moment where the doctor says goodbye and doesn't say hello ever again that she's not willing to fully hope that the doctor really means it when he says that he would never leave her permanently on purpose. and i love that this episode gives amy a lot of space to verbally communicate her emotions because the later pond episodes SORELY LACK THAT. and amy tells him, don't be nice to me, don't stop coming around just because you think that's the kind thing to do. even though she says herself that she doesn't know if she can have "both" — she knows that she can tell the doctor to stay, in her own way, and that he'll listen.

ideally they would have just gone off traveling together forever after that and the angels take manhattan did not happen but unlike what the doctor says about amy, i don't ever get what i want 🙃

also, this episode gave amy friends that weren't rory or the doctor or river so i love it for that on principal <3 i know amy had fun being the bridesmaid at laura's lesbian wedding. and kate!!

( i do hate that this episode ends with that conversation between brian and the doctor. i hate brian as a character and i will forever. won't get into this right now but OUGH )

honestly this list is kind of wobbly and might change if you asked me in a month so i'll just rattle off other favorite episodes / moments real quickly: the good night minisode (it counts!), RIVER SONG DIDN'T GET IT ALL FROM YOU SWEETIE (timeline frozen amy my beloved!), "i remember it so it happened so i did it," vincent and the doctor specifically when vincent tells amy that he hears the song of her sadness…. ow, i could write a whole other essay about amy's choice and how it is so much more complex than people give it credit for but this post is already so goddamn long

#i literally do apologize for how long this got but you have to understand i was holding myself back .#she is…. everything. to me. i could keep going for so long #amy pond #ask #jonismitchell

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lonelyreputation · 4 years

Text

Trouble in Canada • TWO

A/N: Thanks for your patience & thanks for all your support 🥰 Only 3 months late with this 🥴 Can’t believe I’m posting TiC2 AGAIN wow I’ll forever love this series bc of you all 🤧🤧

THANKS A MILLION A MILLION FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS!! I love you all with all my heart 🥺🤧

TROUBLE IN CANADA PT. 1 | MASTERLIST | LET’S CHAT 🥂

Warnings: Arguing, angst, few swear words here and there

WC: 10.1K // Angst

“We need to talk.”

The cup of tea you held slipped through your hands and shattered.

Normally when a glass shattered in your apartment, Shawn would always rush forward. He would always push you back, no walking around without shoes, he would say out of care as he kneeled down to pick up the minuscule shards of glass, don’t want you getting glass stuck in your foot.

But the two of you just stood there, looking at each other with different emotions swimming in your eyes, as the ceramic mug lay destroyed at your feet.

You had never seen your husband lack emotion in his eyes. His eyes were always your favorite aspect of him, they were one of the first things about him that you fell in love with. His eyes that normally held love, care, and compassion were now dark, empty, and held a hint of anger.

While his eyes held negativity, you felt the back of your eyes prick with tears, throat tight with sadness. But you were looking at him with eyes wide of desperation––full of questioning and heartbreak–––because why on earth wasn’t he wearing his wedding ring.

You knelt to the ground, getting to work on picking up the broken mug, because you didn’t want him getting glass stuck in his foot. It felt as if you were getting a glimpse into how this conversation with your husband was going to go; you trying to pick up the remnants of your heart that you could already feel breaking.

Once you got the small pieces together, you walked over to the trash can with Shawn’s eyes following you with every move. You brushed the pieces in the bin and took the broom from the closet to dispose of the larger breaks. You held eye contact with him as you walked back out into the entry area of your apartment.

His eyes trailed your every movement with skepticism, like he didn’t trust you.

You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to keep your emotions at bay, as the broken pieces of the mug made a clanking noise when you swept them together. You looked up at Shawn through your eyelashes and saw his eyebrows pulled together as if he was thinking of what to say.

Frankly, you didn’t think you were able to say anything. He was the one who said that the two of you needed to talk, you had no idea what you wanted to talk about. You figured that you would be listening to more of his side of the conversation than talking.

When did he take off his wedding ring?

“That was the mug I got for you on our second Valentine’s Day together,” his words were only slightly louder than the broken pieces falling into the bin, his voice cracked, “And you––you’re throwing it away?”

You stopped dumping the glass pieces into the trash, and looked up at him with sad, questioning eyes, “It’s…broken?”

Placing the dustpan on the counter, you walked out from the kitchen and stood in front of Shawn, and for the first time since before you started dating all those years ago, you didn’t know what to say.

“Are you not even going to try and fix it?!”

The pain behind his voice sounded like he was talking about so much more than a broken mug.

Cautiously, you took a step forward, eyes glancing down at his bare hand, then stared into his fuming eyes, “Why…” You gulped, eyes returning down to where his wedding ring should be.

Why was he not wearing his wedding ring?

In theory, the question shouldn’t be a hard one to ask him. He was your husband, there were no secrets between the two of you in the decade you’ve known each other. There were no secrets between the two of you as you slept next to each other at night, his arm thrown around you to keep you safe; there were never any secrets.

But now? Now you didn’t know. You didn’t know the words to string together in order to ask him why he took off the ring you slid on his finger the day you promised to love each other for eternity.

The nausea built up in your stomach slowly, bile churning with each thought that passed through your mind.

What made him not want to wake up with you every morning?

Nothing was settling right in your stomach. Nothing about this was a case of, oh, sorry I forgot to return your calls I was too busy. He had dodged your calls, purposefully avoided you––his wife––and now he was standing in the middle of your home not wearing his ring.

Your house didn’t feel like much of a home anymore.

For a moment you pushed your doubts aside. You tried not to focus on the pain in your heart as you shifted your focus on something else you needed to discuss with Shawn; your cooking instructor.

The thought of Ethan had been weighing down on your mind ever since your last lesson. You lightly touched your wrist, remembering the way his hand tightly circled around your wrist that day. The glower of possessiveness he held in his eyes when he looked at you caused you to shudder at the memory. The feeling of embarrassment flooded your entire body as the phantom pain of hot oils dripping down your back as the whole class stood and watched.

You wished you had confided in Shawn about the uncomfortable actions Ethan demonstrated during each lesson.

Pushing your crumbling heart to the back of your mind you took a deep breath, anxiety crawling up your throat, “I need to––um––I want to tell you something.”

Feeling nervous in front of your husband wasn’t uncommon. Everyday you had spent with him felt like the day of your first date; on your toes, giddy about what the rest of the day would bring––excited to spend the day with him. It’s what made you fall in love with him at a rapid pace. But while you were accustomed to the affect of your heart skipping a beat whenever you were around him, this was a different kind of nervousness.

This nervousness felt more like knowingly walking into a trap instead of a blissful evening with your husband.

With another deep breath, you looked down at your sock clad feet, not wanting to see his reaction, “There was um––Something happened when you were on tour–––”

“Can’t even look me in the fucking eyes when you say it?”

You whipped your head up, eyes wide, and for the first time you were frightened of your husband. His tone was lethal, words sharp, as his jaw was set, “I would’ve thought you could at least do that when you tell me––”

You took a step backward, “Tell you what?”

For a second the animosity he held in his eyes fell and was replaced with desperation, “Don’t,” his voice cracked for the second time as he sniffled, “Don’t make me say it.”

While you felt your heartbreak at the hopelessness in his tone, he sounded exactly how you felt on the inside.

“Shawn,” you said his name carefully, afraid that if you said one wrong word he would explode like a time bomb, “I––I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He let out a scoff, “Okay, then,” he crossed his arms over his chest and sent you a glare so strong it felt like you were slammed into the wall behind you, “Go on.”

You knew this was something important you had to share with him. He’s your husband, you thought to yourself, he’s here to protect you––to keep you safe––you should tell him. But everything about him seemed off. His stance was guarded, arms stiffly crossed over his chest, as he coldly stared at you.

“Um, well,” you nervously twisted your sweaty hands together in front of you, “When you were on tour there was this…guy,” you shuddered at the thought of Ethan, ‘And he––There was a situation––”

“Just fucking say it,” He sounded tired, but his words were still powerful, “Fucking say it and then we can be done.”

His words felt like a dagger piercing your chest. All of the oxygen left your lungs as you were left breathless, hand pressed against your chest to shield you in any way from his dismissive tone, “What?” You gasped out, “Be done with what?”

“You know.”

“I don’t––”

“You,” his hand reached into his over the shoulder travel bag and pulled out a magazine, “Know.” His voice was laced with venom as he threw the magazine at the floor in front of you, “You fucking know.”

Gently, you bent down and picked up the edgeworn magazine, and it automatically opened up to an article. The pages looked crinkled as if someone had read these pages until they had the words memorized. The top right edge of the glossy paper looked like it had been folded over repeatedly. And you didn’t miss the tear stains that smudged some of the inked words.

You read the bold headline––Trouble In Canada–-over a few times before your eyes darted around the two page spread that contained an article and blurry pictures of you with Ethan; specifically on the last day of class where you were pressed up against him. The angle of the picture made you look guilty of an act that you never thought of committing against your husband. Your breath, along with your heart, stopped beating as you glanced up at Shawn before skimming the article.

He misses Y/n––Below, pictures of Y/n and a mystery man have appeared––Everyone around him knows how much he loves his wife––Noticable changed––It’s not going to end well.

It’s not going to end well.

You clenched the magazine in your hand, “Who’s the source?”

“That’s what you’re concerned about?!” Shawn let out a laugh, “Not that I had to find out through my mother texting me a link to an article about how my wife was having an affair?!”

Your eyes widened as the magazine dropped to the ground.

An affair. He thought you had an affair.

Your eyes darted back to Shawn’s hands. He nervously rubbed his thumb along the underside of the finger where his wedding band used to take up space. He thought you were having an affair with a person who made your skin crawl.

“Who––”

“Does it matter?!” He threw his hands up as he yelled before his voice quieted down, repeating the question under his breath, “Does it matter?”

You shook your head rapidly as you walked forward, wanting to reassure him that the article had it all wrong, “Shawn, that’s not––It’s a shitty tabloid, Ethan isn’t––”

“Don’t,” You stopped walking forward and started walking backward as Shawn angrily pointed a finger at you, words laced with malice, “Say his name.”

You felt your eyes begin to water, chest heaving up and down as your worst nightmare was slowly starting to become a reality, “He’s not––That isn’t––Those pictures are not what it looks like.”

“They seem pretty self-explanatory,” His voice fell in sadness, “I would wait hours to call you––”

“Shawn, listen––”

“Hours,” he cut you off, bottom lip quivering, “to hear about your day. I would wait hours to hear your voice calm me down because touring is stressful and you were the only person who was capable of calming me down––”

“Were?”

“––Only to find out that you’ve been running around with someone else!”

“You stopped picking up my calls!” Your voice was pleading with him, “I stayed up for hours at night wondering what I did––”

“You were having an affair!” He matched the volume of your yells, “Why would I want to talk to you?!”

He wasn’t listening to you. It seemed as if he was so caught up in the narrative he created in his head that he didn’t want to listen to you. He thought it was better to believe the heartbreak of you running into another person’s arms while he was the one who was left in the dust.

“Were you that lonely,” Shawn narrowed his eyes, voice gravelly low, “That you went to someone else? Christ––We have the money that you could’ve used to come out and see me! Or have you had enough of me?”

“Do you even hear yourself––”

“Was being married to me too much?” He let out a sarcastic laugh, “After years together, you can’t even handle a single year of marriage. What ever happened to for better or for worse––”

“I didn’t have an affair!”

You stomped your foot on the ground as if you were a little girl throwing a tantrum. Your voice was high, throat scratchy from trying to hold back your tears as Shawn threw countless accusations your way. But when Shawn accused you of making a mockery of your wedding vows to him, that’s when he crossed the line.

The room was silent, your words ringing through the apartment just as loud as the ringing in your ears. Shawn looked shocked, mouth slightly agape and eyes wide at your outburst. Never once had you screamed about something so desperately. But this was your marriage. This was your marriage to the person you thought would love and trust you until the end of your life. And you thought he would love and trust you until the end of his life.

“I didn’t,” your bottom lip trembled as you sucked in a breath, a few tears leaking from your eyes, “I would never,” you hastily wiped away the falling tears on your cheek with the heel of your palm, “Do you honestly think that little of me?”

Shawn opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. His cruel words still floated around in the air. After all the love songs he wrote about you not once did you think he was capable of saying words as degrading as the ones he yelled at your face.

“That guy,” you closed your eyes and brought your hands up to your forehead, trying to subdue the raging pain in your forehead from all the yelling, “Was the cooking instructor Jessie and I had for our cooking lessons.”

“I don’t want to know––”

“He,” you cut Shawn off before he could find another way to belittle your feelings, “Wasn’t very…helpful as a teacher.” You bit the inside of your cheek, mirroring Shawn’s position and crossing your arms across your chest as you bounced your leg, “Sometimes he would––”

“God,” the pain in Shawn’s voice struck a chord with you, “Do you really think I want to know what you two did together?!”

You stood there frozen, not being able to wrap your head around the situation you found yourself in with Shawn, as the two of you looked into each other’s eyes with opposite emotions.

Your eyes were wide as they overflowed with desperation, terrified that your marriage was about to come to an end; they poured over with hurt from the devastating allegations Shawn proposed.

Shawn’s eyes were narrowed at you as they seethed with aggression, on the edge of becoming unhinged at the thought of someone stealing the love of his life right under his nose; they overflowed with untrust.

But both of your eyes were both filled to the brim with love, not understanding how the person they vowed to love and to treasure for the rest of their lives, could hurt the other so viciously and carelessly.

“He––I’m your wife, Shawn,” you choked on a sob, “I’m your wife and you’re not listening to me!”

“You haven’t said anything!” His eyes were red as he cried right back at you.

“How am I supposed to tell my husband that another man made me feel uncomfortable when he’s accusing me of sleeping with them?!”

Shawn looked like he had more hatred to spew planned out in his head, but once the truth to your story came out, he was at a loss for words. His shoulders dropped as fast as his face and an audible noise escaped his throat.

A new wave of tears threatened to spill over as he looked at you, “That’s––What did––What?”

You bit your bottom lip, nodding your head as your eyes refocused on the lack of his wedding band on his finger. You toyed with the diamond of your engagement ring, “But apparently I had an affair.”

Since the first time he had come back, Shawn was silent. He was as silent as the moment he walked through the door and said words that shattered your world; we need to talk.

He was as silent as the day of your wedding, speechless as you walked down the aisle more than ready to spend the rest of your life with him; I love you, he had said through tears, I’ll love you with all my heart until my last breath.

And as you stood in front of him, at a loss of words for yourself, you still wanted him to love you even after accusing you of the most heinous act in a marriage.

Another pregnant pause; your teeth clattered together as you failed to hold back your cries while Shawn’s fists shook at his sides.

Wordlessly, you brushed past him and picked your phone off the counter rushing to the door. You threw on your converse, only having time to tuck the laces under the tongue, not wanting to spend anymore time in Shawn’s presence. It felt as if the walls of your marriage was collapsing -––Your lungs were collapsing as you felt sobs blocking your airway––And with each step you took further away from Shawn, you felt your world crumble a little bit more.

You plucked a random jacket from the coat rack and before you even registered Shawn trying to call out your name, you slammed the door shut. You dug your hands deep in the pockets as the brisk Toronto air hit your face.

Your rings were burning a hole into your skin.

A twenty minute walk on the streets of Toronto would normally relax you, but normally your hand would be hooked around Shawn’s arm as the two of you laughed on your way to a restaurant. The streets were tainted with memories of him as you rounded the corner of a familiar street.

“Y/n?”

You sniffled as you spoke into the callbox, “Hey–Jessie? Can––Could you buzz me–me–In?”

The sound of the door unlocking brought more comfort to you than your husband had in the past month.

Not being able to stand still in an elevator by yourself, you opted to walk up six flights of stairs. You had spent countless days at Jessie’s apartment whenever Shawn was away on tour; from when you first started seeing each other, toward the end of his Illuminate Tour, you had spent countless nights sleeping over at her cozy Toronto apartment. The two of you would stay up late with ice-cream as you scoured every update account to get a glimpse of the boy who would text you after every show saying how he wished you were with him.

You knocked once on the door before it swung open to show a confused Jessie in a bathrobe and facemask, she tilted her head, “Lover’s quarrel?”

You brought a hand up to cover your mouth, but no amount of muffling could cover up the sound of your uncontrollable cries of grief. Jessie’s eyes widened as she ushered you into her apartment and quickly shut the door as you fell into her arms before she turned the lock of the deadbolt with a soft click.

You stood in the entryway of her apartment, staining your best friend’s shirt with tears, as you gripped onto the back of her shirt for dear life. Because the lifeline you normally had in your husband was thrown overboard.

Forming a coherent sentence was impossible with the sobs that tore through your chest. You tried your hardest to say that; no, this wasn’t just a lover’s quarrel, it was something bigger. It was something bigger than Jessie realized until she was able to decode a sentence that you kept repeating out loud until it became as familiar to you as a prayer.

He doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.

///

A few days had passed since you hastily made an exit from your apartment. You thought the sinking feeling would leave once you were away from your husband’s presence, but instead, your heart only ached more.

Shawn didn’t have much time left in Canada before he had to head back on the road, and it caused your chest to tighten up every time you thought of him leaving you again.

But why did it matter; you thought to yourself as you were wrapped up in a blanket, knees tucked up to your chest as you leaned on the far side on Jessie’s couch. Your hands cradled the lukewarm tea, it being the only thing that gave you warmth, he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.

You’ve only moved from your position on the couch to go walk to the bathroom, your socks gliding on the hardwood floor because you didn’t have the energy to pick up your feet.

It was lunch time, and just like all other three meals throughout the day, Jessie brought over the meal she prepared you and softly placed it on the coffee table with a meek smile and somber eyes, “Tomato soup.”

You nodded your head and glanced at the soup in the yellow bowl. You took another sip of your tea.

“Y/n,” Jessie breathed out your name, trying to get your attention, as she knelt down in front of you. But you continued to stare past her shoulder, eyes focusing on the window as the pitter patter of rain softly hit the glass

She repeated your name once more, a comforting hand on your knee, but you slowly shook your head with a wobble of your chin. The only time you had spoken to Jessie was when you first arrived at her place and fell into her arms as you sobbed about your ruined marriage.

You were silent, just like Shawn’s communication with you since you fled your home.

He came home without wearing his wedding ring.

Your hands tighten around your mug, tea now cold, as you bit the inside of your cheek until you tasted something metallic. You had no verbal answer for her, just a shake of your head as you held your breath, trying to rid yourself of the lump in your throat.

The all too familiar sting behind your eyes crept back like an old friend. You shut your eyes tight as you gasped out for a breath.

“He’s going to divorce me, Jess.”

Her hand on your knee fell limp as you brought a hand up to cover the choked sob that escaped past your lips, “I love him so much and he’s gonna divorce––”

“He would never do that to you,” Jessie’s voice was confident, something you hadn’t felt about yourself, or your marriage, in months, “He wouldn’t even dream of that.”

You removed your hand from your mouth, a gut wrenching sob shattering through your chest as you tried to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling, “You didn’t see him––The––The things he said to me,” Jessie took the mug form your hands as you wrapped your arms around your bent legs, tucking your head into your knees, “I’m so scared.”

It was a whisper, but the despair in your voice was not lost on your best friend.

“I––” Jessie didn’t know how she felt. She knew she felt her own heart breaking for her best friend––for Shawn as well––because she had been there with them since the start of their relationship. She was the one who introduced you two. But she also felt anger, a betrayal, deep within her bones that made her blood boil, “––I need to pick up groceries.”

Jessie didn’t want to leave her best friend, but she wanted to pay a visit to the man who broke his promise––to cherish you forever––to her best friend.

She reluctantly stood up, staring down at you with tears in her own eyes, as you kept your head buried between your knees and the blanket. She knelt down to press a featherlight kiss to the top of your head, whispering, “get some rest.”

She didn’t know if you would listen to her, but she noticed the exhaustion behind the heartbreak in your eyes. And with a slight nod, you agreed that you needed sleep, readjusted your position on the couch and tried to keep your eyes shut tight so as to not let any more tears stain the blanket.

Once Jessie was positive you were asleep, she slipped on her sneakers and left her place without a jacket. She needed the cold Canadian air to cool down the heat she felt in her body for being so angry.

The twenty minutes it would normally take her to walk to your apartment took her only thirteen minutes. Jessie breezed through the lobby, impatiently tapped her foot as she rode the elevator up, and harshly knocked on the door until it was opened by a wide eye Shawn.

“Y/n?” Shawn asked desperately before he even registered who was at the door.

Jessie rolled her eyes and pushed past him, “Do you think she would knock on her own door?” She scoffed as she looked around the apartment; pillows thrown astray, dishes piled up in the sink, and ruffled blankets on the couch telling her that he hasn’t been sleeping in their bed, “What the hell is your problem?!”

Shawn didn’t register her question as he continued to stare out the door, looking up and down the hallway. Jessie knew exactly who he was waiting for, and with a sigh, she softened her voice, “She’s not with me.”

His head whipped back to Jessie as if he forgot she was there, “She––Are you––Has she been staying with you?”

All the anger came flooding back into her system as she narrowed her eyes at his question, “You would know if you tried calling her.”

He slowly closed the door and leaned up against it with a defeated sigh, “I knew she didn’t want to hear from me––”

“Are you kidding?” Jessie clenched her fists at her sides in anger, “You were the only person she wanted to hear from.”

Shawn closed his eyes and rubbed the corners of them, not knowing what to say in response. Jessie knew she didn’t have to tell him how terrible he acted toward his wife, she could see it with every defeated slump of his shoulders, the way their usually neat apartment was a mess, and his bloodshot eyes.

“How is she?”

Jessie rolled her eyes again, ignoring his question because she knew that he already knew the answer to it, “You have some nerve coming home to her without your ring.”

Shawn’s melancholy composure dropped and she saw his eyes narrow in irritation, “How else was I supposed to react?” He let out a bitter laugh, “A whole magazine spread came out showing my wife with another man––”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Jessie walked up to him and poked his chest hard, “What happened to you always telling her not to believe everything she read in the papers about you? Every time you were seen with a different girl, every rumor of ‘sparks flying’ after you sang a duet with a different girl––What about everything she had to put up with with you?””

“That’s different because she knew those weren’t true––”

“So what about this?!” Jessie blew up and threw her hands in the air, “This is no different. This is the first time she’s been caught up in something like this.”

“She was jumpy the last time I spoke to her on the phone!” Shawn defended himself, “She sounded like she didn’t want me to come home and after I saw those pictures,” Shawn swallowed as he looked down at the floor. He felt his stomach drop as if he remembered the moment his mother texted him a link to the article.

“Everything just made sense,” Shawn whispered as he shook his head.

There was silence between the two of them for a moment before Jessie spat out, “That’s a weak excuse,” and Shawn raised his head up, eyebrows pulled together, “Did you forget what’s written on the inside of your ring?”

Shawn looked down in shame and shook his head. He knew exactly what was written on the inside of his ring––with your handwriting––and the same thing was written on the inside of your ring; with his handwriting.

With all my heart.

Out of habit, Shawn brought his fingers to touch his ring finger. But unlike all the other times the tips of his fingers would softly brush against the ring finger on his left hand in remembrance to you, he didn’t feel the cool metal of his ring. Just his bare finger.

“How could you?” Jessie’s voice was barely above a whisper. Shawn wasn’t her husband, so she couldn’t even comprehend the amount of betrayal you felt, but with being his friend since he was thirteen, she was at a loss of words, “For as long as I’ve known you…I’ve never been more disappointed in you in my life.”

Shawn ran a hand through his hair, “Jess––“

Jessie shook her head, “She always let you explain yourself––Most times she didn’t even think twice if you were out with someone else––Because she trusted you.” Shawn nodded solemnly, “But you didn’t give her the same respect.”

“I know.”

Without sparing his feelings, because Jessie didn’t think he deserved any sympathy, she said words that knew would cut Shawn to his core, “She thinks you’re going to divorce her.”

His mouth dropped, all expressions of guilt left his face, as he stared at his friend. He didn’t even know what he was feeling. All he knew was that he swore his heart stopped beating and that the ringing in his ears was becoming relentless.

“She––Why would––That never––“ his hands started shaking, as he felt his eyes well up with tears, because he never wanted to picture his life without you. His voice cracked, “Divorce?”

With a sharp nod, Jessie crossed her arms over her chest, “Well, when your husband comes home without his wedding ring on, what other conclusion is she going to come to?”

Shawn shook his head, “That wasn’t my––“

“You took your ring off,” Jessie’s eyes looked at his ring finger, noticing a sliver of his finger a share lighter than the rest of his skin tone, “I’m not married, but I know you’re not supposed to do that if you love your spouse.”

“I do love her,” Shawn spoke angrily.

Jessie tapped her foot, “I’m not leaving until you put your ring back on.” She watched as he dug his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants and pulled out a golden band. She smiled as Shawn slipped it back into place, “You two need to talk,” she said as if it was the easiest thing in the world, “You need to listen to her because there’s more to those pictures.”

Shawn nodded his head, like he was a kid listening to his mom telling him to clean his room. He knew they needed to talk, he knew that he messed up, but he was also terrified of what you were going to say to him. He had never thought of divorcing you, but if the thought was swirling around in your mind…Would you want to divorce him?

“I have to run some errands,” Jessie smiled at the ring that was back in its place on his finger, “I’ll be gone for about an hour–––“

Before Jessie could finish her sentence, Shawn turned around on his heel, running to the front door to fling it open. She heard his footsteps race down the hall and smiled to herself even more.

Shawn was lucky that she knew where their spare key was hidden so she could lock up behind her.

///

You knew Jessie waited until she thought you were asleep to leave to pick up groceries. So you tried your hardest to fake your rest, and when you heard the door softly close behind her, you opened your eyes and continued to stare out the window. You didn’t have a lot of motivation, sometimes just thinking was too much energy, so you only tried to focus on the sounds of rain hitting the window and the low rumble of thunder you heard.

You don’t know how long you stayed like that for, but you started to get thirsty, and without Jessie here to refill your tea, you had no choice but to make yourself a cup. Begrudgingly, you sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped around you like a cape, and made your way into the kitchen. Filling the tea kettle up with water, you placed it on the stove. Picking at the hangnails on your fingers, you lifted your head up when heard the door abruptly open.

Even if it had been Jessie returning with groceries, you still would have stayed mute upon her re-entry, and when your eyes landed on the person you least expected to see, you still stayed quiet.

He was out of breath, cheeks flushed red as his chest heaved, but you didn’t say a word to him. You only listened to the low rumble of water boiling in the tea kettle.

He didn’t say anything either. He was trying to communicate with his eyes; wide and hopeful that you would forgive him for being an idiot. But you stared at him with a blank expression.

“Did you run here?”

Shawn nodded as he exhaled, “I––Jessie said you were here.”

You quirked an eyebrow, and pulled the blanket tighter around your body. Not saying anything in response, you diverted your eyes down to the white kettle.

As you stood in the kitchen with your husband, you had never felt more uncomfortable in your life. You never thought there would be a time you didn’t feel comfortable in his presence, just seeing him through FaceTime would be enough to make you smile; but as you stood in front of him for the first time since you saw him without his ring, you didn’t want to see him.

Your eyes were focused hard on the kettle, channeling all of your anger to the boiling water, “Thought the next time I would hear from you was going to be with Brian serving me divorce papers.”

It was a low blow, and you heard the sharp intake of breath from him, but you didn’t care. He made you feel like hell for the past month of him ignoring you and then blowing up in your face, not giving yourself a chance to explain your situation to him.

“I would never––You know I would never do that.”

“Do I?” You bit your bottom lip, “I never thought you’d take off your ring.”

That cut Shawn off from saying whatever he planned because you had a point. He never thought he would take off his ring, but he did. He took it off, and at the time, he didn’t understand the consequences that would come with it when he returned to you. He thought he knew everything by just looking at those pictures. He thought the marriage was over before he stepped foot back into your home.

Hastily, Shawn lifted his left hand, the gold ring was dull under the kitchen lights, “I put–––“ he stopped talking when he saw you lightly touch the kettle with your left hand. You only brought your hand out of the blanket for half a second, but that half a second was more than enough time for him to realize what the worst sight in the world was, “Your––You took off your rings.”

You retracted your hand back into the blanket and glared at him, “I wasn’t the first.”

“That’s not fair,” Shawn’s words were cold, “There was proof that you could’ve been––”

“Could’ve been what?” You reached up into the cabinet to grab a tea bag, “Cheating on you? Unfaithful? In a relationship with another man––”

“Stop!” He yelled as he pressed his palms against his head, eyes shut tight. He’d been tortured with the thought of you being with someone else while he was away, he didn’t want to imagine it even more, “Jessie told me that it wasn’t fair to not let you––”

“Oh, so you listened to her and not me?” You shot back at him, forgetting about your tea. “Should I be worried about that? Hm? You and Jessie––”

“Now you’re just being over dramatic,” Shawn rolled his eyes.

You felt the anger bubble up in the pit of your stomach like the tea that started to lowly whistle, “No,” you raised your voice to match his, “being over dramatic was taking off your fucking ring––”

“I put it back on!” Shawn yelled as he held up his hand again, pointing to the ring on his finger, “I put it back on for you––”

“That’s rich,” you laughed out, “Because if you hadn’t dodged my calls you wouldn’t have taken it off in the first place.”

He clenched his jaw, “Well, if you didn’t sound like you didn’t want me to come home we wouldn’t be in this mess!”

“If I…” Your voice cracked as you thought back to all the times Ethan made advances on you, where he made you feel uncomfortable, and it was as if you were transported to your last lesson.

With a deep breath, all anger you felt towards your husband disappeared. You were now more sad than anything else. Sad that he wasn’t taking time to listen about how those pictures came about.

You repeated yourself with a sniffle, “If I…” you had to pause again, feeling your throat close up because if he wasn’t taking the time to listen for the second time around, would he ever listen to anything?

“I didn’t know how to tell you about him––How––How uncomfortable he made me feel––”

The rigidness behind his voice cut you off, “I’m your husband, you can come to me with anything, and if he made you uncomfortable, why didn’t you just change instructors?”

“Why didn’t I––What?” The shakiness of your voice was covered up by the tea kettle that was now whistling out of control, “Change instructors––He––Do you even care what he did?”

“That’s not the––”

You brought your left hand up to cover your mouth, you had cried too many times in front of him and you were tired of him not listening to you, “Leave.”

Shawn shook his head, “Y/n, I’m not leaving––”

You felt your chin wobble as you shook your head, vision starting to cloud from the build up of tears in your eyes, “Go––I––I want you to leave.”

He took a step forward, reaching a hand out to comfort you, but the last thing you wanted was for him to comfort you.

Noticing you recoiling from his touch, he reached over to turn the stove off and poured the hot water into the mug, “I don’t––I’m not home for much longer,” his voice was desperate as he set the kettle back down on the stove top, “I’m home for three more days––Don’t––Please come home.”

You shook your head, “I don’t––You––Leave.”

He stood firmly in place, “Not without you––”

“Go!” You shouted through your tears as you pointed at the door, “I can’t be around you-–you.” Shawn continued to shake his head, his eyes filling up with tears as you pleaded with him to leave you alone.

Your next words were cruel, you were taking advantage of how scared he was to lose you, but that didn’t matter to you. All you wanted was to be alone.

“If you don’t leave now,” your voice had softened but the edge was still there as tears continued to run down your face, “I don’t know what that’ll mean for our marriage.”

He didn’t move an inch, challenging your words, but you kept eye contact with him. You wanted him to know that you were serious––serious about how him not leaving would be detrimental to your marriage––But in all honesty, you were bluffing. You didn’t want your marriage to end as much as he didn’t. But right now…You couldn’t be in the same room as the man you married.

His eyes were wide, not believing the ultimatum you gave him, but he didn’t want to lose you forever. He took a step toward you, but when you shut your eyes at his movement, his heart broke and he knew the best thing to do was give you what you wanted. And that was space.

Your eyes stayed shut as you heard his footsteps grow further away. You finally opened your eyes when you heard the door close. Even with how you continuously cried for days, your eyes were not out of tears.

You felt a new wave of sobs take over your body as you sat on the kitchen floor crying your eyes out with your tea abandoned on the counter.

///

You didn’t go back home and Shawn left for tour again.

He would be gone for two months until he got the chance to return home to Canada. It might’ve been selfish of you to ignore his plea for you to return home to him, it would no doubt cause him more stress than usual on tour, but for your sanity you knew returning home would only cause another argument.

You stayed with Jessie for a week longer before coming to the conclusion that you needed to return home. While your home wouldn’t be complete until Shawn returned, you needed to be back in that space.

Walking into the home for the first time in a few weeks was strange. It was eerily quiet, but everything looked in place, if not more clean than what you were used to. Jessie told you that she had seen dishes stacked up in the sink among other things thrown around, so you were glad Shawn had the decency to clean up before he left.

Standing in the doorway, you looked at the bay window you sat in when Shawn returned home that afternoon. And like a movie, it was as if you could see the whole fight play out; Shawn throwing the tabloid at your feet and then screaming at one another. The vile words he said to you still hurt to think about, so you looked away from the window that made you fall in love with the apartment.

You slowly walked further into the apartment and everything you saw held a memory. In the kitchen you saw Shawn trying to distract you from cooking as he did a terrible dance. In the living room, you saw the couch and thought about the countless times you’d fallen asleep on each other in the middle of a movie. And in the corner, where there was a little bookshelf and chairs to relax in, you saw yourself reading a book as Shawn sat in the chair opposite of you, trying to perfect a song’s chorus.

Everything coming back in waves was too much, but only a few tears leaked from your eyes. Most of the memories that came back to you were happy. They were full of laughter and smiles––Just like how your marriage had been. They always say how the first fight is the worst, but you didn’t think it could get any worse than this.

Finding yourself in your bedroom, you flicked the lights on, and immediately changed into sweatpants and one of Shawn's shirts. Part of you wished you returned home before he left, but you knew you weren’t emotionally ready for that. So you opted for one of his t-shirts to bring you his comfort as he was halfway across the world from you.

You peeled back the covers on his side of the bed, slowly getting under, and bringing the sheets up to your chin. You buried your head into his pillow and that’s when you lost it. What if by being selfish and not coming home you had wrecked your marriage? You were both angry, but Shawn took a lot of things to heart, and there was no doubt you knew he felt absolutely crushed that you didn’t return home.

As if he knew you were thinking of him, your phone rang, and you saw the ridiculous selfie he took on your phone when he was nineteen. You wanted to swipe and answer the call. You wanted to hear his voice. But you were scared that he would actually confirm your worst fears and say that your marriage was over.

You screened the call, and right when you were about to put your phone down and cry into his pillow more, his contact picture lit up your screen again.

With a shaky breath, you tried your best to push all your fears down as you answered the call, “Sh––Shawn?”

“Y/n,” he breathed out your name with a sigh of relief, “I––I’m so glad you picked up.”

You nodded your head against the pillow and whimpered, “I––Yeah––I––Sh––Shawn––I––”

“Please don’t leave me,” he shakily breathed out the sentence in one breath, “I don’t know––I––” You could imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’m such an asshole and this––You––I love you and I can’t––” You heard an ugly sob from the other end of the phone as he whispered out the best he could, “Please––please don’t leave me.”

You felt all of your fears disappear as you let out a little cry of relief, “I love you too.”

“We––We can talk––You can talk,” he corrected himself and it caused you to laugh a little, “When I get home?”

You nodded your head and for the first time, in a long time, you smiled, “I’ll be waiting.”

///

Nearly two months later, you were making yourself a cup of tea as you awaited Shawn’s arrival. Even though the two of you talked almost every night, conversation was still strained with how you last saw each other; you shouting at him to leave threatening that your marriage could be over if he didn’t. It was a heavy note to leave off on, but the two of you brushed it under the rug as you would recount what you did during your day and he told you about the show he had performed.

You were nervous––more nervous than you were on your first date with him––but you tried to push those feelings away. He was your husband. You both loved each other endlessly. And it did ease your anxiety a bit knowing that your marriage wasn’t going to end after this conversation.

The sound of a key unlocking your door caused your heart rate to spike as you threw away your tea bag. He was home and it was time to really talk.

Much like the ill fated day he came home without his ring, he rolled in a small carry-on suitcase and had a black duffle bag slung over his shoulder. The first thing your eyes went to was his left hand, and even though you had seen it in every picture of him performing on stage, it still brought a smile to your face seeing it on his hand. While his left sock was raised higher than the right sock, and his t-shirt was still wrinkled, you noticed his hair was a little shorter.

“Did you get a haircut?”

Shawn dropped his duffle bag with a smile as he rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen, “Do you like it?”

You nodded your head with a smile as you passed him a freshly made cup of tea as your hands circled your own cup, “Your curls look more tame.”

Shawn laughed into his tea before he took a sip and placed the mug down. He exhaled a deep breath, tapping his fingers on the sides of the mug like he was playing piano, and gave you a worrisome look, “Can I––Can I hug you?”

Your shoulders dropped at how uncertain he sounded. But then again, it had been months since you last touched him. The last time you touched him was before he left for tour the first time; before he took off his ring.

“Yeah,” you croaked out with a nod.

Within a matter of seconds, Shawn’s arms were wrapped tightly around you, hugging you like it was one of his last moments on Earth. You circled your arms around his waist and your body was immediately flooded with the warmth of his chest. It had been so long since you had any form of physical contact with him that you almost forgot what a simple hug felt like.

And it was something you never wanted to go months without again.

Shawn pressed a kiss to the top of your head, which made you feel giddy on the inside, before he slightly pulled away, “I––I won’t say a thing,” he whispered as he rubbed his hands up and down your back, “But I think we need to talk.”

The giddiness you felt dissipated and your insides now felt queasy. You wanted to forget that the past few months had happened. You tried your best to block it from your memory, but Shawn was right, you needed to talk in order to move forward in your marriage.

So you talked and Shawn didn’t utter a single word. You explained how Jessie thought cooking lessons would be a good idea to distract you from missing Shawn, how the advances Ethan first made were a joke here and there, but then he started paying more attention to you. He became hyperfixtated on the way you cut vegetables and how––If you change this and follow me, he would say before lightly touching you and directing your hand movements, you’ll have what you need––trying to add a double meaning to his words.

You could see Shawn’s jaw clench a few times as his knuckles would turn white from how tight he was holding the mug. While you knew he didn’t like what he was hearing, you were appreciative that he was listening instead of arguing with you like the last time.

“And um––Yeah––So That’s––Yeah.” You rambled off as you went to touch your wrist that Ethan harshly grabbed a few months ago. And even though the grease burns on your back were healed, you still felt the itch of them as if they happened yesterday.

After a brief moment of silence, Shawn closed his eyes and let an aggravated breath out through his nostrils, “He…He touched you.”

You nodded your head as you took a sip of your tea, wanting to delay any sort of response for as long as you could, “Yeah,” But with his eyes staring into yours, you knew he wasn’t going to let you skip over any detail, “Those, um––That picture in the magazine…That’s when the grease spilled on my back.”

Shawn rubbed his hands over his eyes, he was no doubt exhausted from traveling, and it probably didn’t do him any good hearing this story, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

What was different than before the times you tried to talk to him about this, his voice wasn’t accusatory; It was careful. Careful in the sense that he didn’t want you to think he was upset with you. Because the situation wasn’t your fault and he knew that.

“You’re already so stressed with your job,” you looked down into your empty mug, “I didn’t want to add any stress.”

Shawn reached his hand across the counter and unwrapped one of your hands from your mug. He laced your fingers together and held your hand tightly, “I’m your husband,” he weakly smiled at you, “The music, touring, writing––None of that is a real job––My my job to worry about you.”

While he sounded a bit defeated, you knew that he meant well. You knew that he was only upset with himself because you were scared to go to him with something that made you uncomfortable. He always wanted to be your person to go to whenever you felt yourself in a weird situation, and in this instance, he thought that he failed at that part of being your husband.

So you squeezed his hand back in reassurance, “I know you’re not going to forget about this,” he raised an eyebrow at you because you knew he was never going to forget this disastrous fight or forget about what Ethan did to you, “But for now, can we forget about it and take a nap?”

With a shake of his head, he let out a chuckle, “You’re right that I’m not going to forget about this,” he said as he lifted your connected hands over your mug as he pulled you out of the kitchen and down to your bedroom, “But a nap sounds fantastic.”

And for the first time in months, you walked to your bedroom with a lovesick smile on your face, trailing behind the man you fell in love with more every day you shared together.

///

FOUR MONTHS LATER

“You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?” You laughed as you tightened your hold around Shawn’s arm, “This isn’t fair!”

“It’s a surprise,” he smirked as he continued to lead the way down the streets of Toronto.

It was a peaceful day in the capital city of Ontario. The sun was shining, birds chirping, and you were arm-in-arm with your husband. He had just finished the last leg of his world tour and you couldn’t be more proud of everything he accomplished. Luckily enough, you were able to join him on tour for the last two months, and spent your first wedding anniversary in Napa, California the day before his show in Sacramento.

It was definitely an ideal way to spend your first year married to Shawn––drinking wine––And everyone congratulated you on getting through what was dubbed to be the “hardest” year of marriage. That was the understatement of the century. And both you and Shawn would always brush off everyone joking about it because they didn’t know how hard of a year it really was.

The whole debacle with the tabloid magazine was mostly swept under the rug, and you just told your families and the people on Shawn’s team he was closest to, that it was just a misunderstanding; A tabloid that took things way out of proportion. The only people who really knew how devastating the year had been was you, Shawn, and Jessie.

Sometimes there would be a thought in the back of your head about how detrimental another fight like that could be to your marriage. But you always tried to shut those thoughts down as soon as possible and just focus on the good things in your life. And right now, that was Shawn leading you to a surprise location, because he thought the two of you needed another anniversary celebration.

“I––I’ll…” Your voice trailed off as you walked down the familiar strip of shops, “After you’ve fallen asleep, I’ll take your socks off.”

Shawn threw his head back in laughter at your poor attempt to get him to spill the surprise, “Impossible because you always fall asleep before me.”

“Fair,” you let out a sigh, “I still think it’s weird you sleep with socks on.”

“I thought we agreed to disagree on that.”

“It’s just,” you squeezed his bicep, at a loss of words, “infuriating.”

Shawn smiled brightly down at you before quickly pressing a kiss to your cheek, “But you still married me.”

With a roll of your eyes you softly hit him in the stomach, “Yeah, yeah…” But when you turned a corner, you knew why these shops were so familiar, and you almost stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, “What are we––Shawn?”

He looked back at you with a sheepish smile and a shrug of his shoulders.

“Shawn,” you hesitantly said his name again, “What're you planning?”

Again, he shrugged his shoulders, “You know how terrible I am in the kitchen,” he glanced back at the place where you took your cooking lessons when he was away on tour. And for a moment, the playfulness dropped from his face as he seriously looked into your eyes, “If you’re not comfortable going back in there, we can always get coffee across the street.”

You mentally made a pros and cons list in your mind. You hadn’t been in the place you received your cooking lessons since you stormed out of there. And as far as you knew, Ethan still worked there, which made your skin crawl. But you were with Shawn. Shawn would be by your side the whole time. And you were curious to see what he had up his sleeve.

“I mean…I’m fine with it,” your voice wavered. He raised his eyebrows, silently asking you if you were actually fine to go back in there, because he didn’t want to push you with something you weren’t 100-percent on. So you cleared your throat and repeated yourself, “I’m fine going in, but…I think he’s supposed to be teaching today?”

A wicked smile spread across Shawn’s face, “Three o’clock couple’s cooking class with Ethan Anguis.”

Your mouth dropped and you couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh, “You did not.”

Shawn smirked, “I do believe we have to check-in in ten minutes before we lose my deposit.”

You shook your head because you could not believe how ridiculous your husband was, “Lead the way.”

With a gleam of mischief in his eyes, he smiled as he bent over with his arm stretched out as he opened the door for you. You let out another laugh as he followed you into the familiar classroom. You were standing behind a few other couple’s but once you heard his voice, your hand instinctively gripped onto Shawn’s tighter.

He looked down at you, again, silently asking you if you were comfortable with this. You nodded, and before you knew it, you were face-to-face with the man who had caused your marriage to be hell for a few months.

Ethan was looking down at the check-in book, not realizing you were in front of him, before Shawn cleared his throat, “Mr. and Mrs. Mendes.”

His head shot up as he ignored Shawn’s presence entirely and only had eyes for you. You shifted closer into Shawn’s side as Ethan sent a smile your way, “Y/n, it’s nice to see you––”

“Do you always refer to your student’s by their first name?” Shawn didn’t hide the malice in his voice, he wanted Ethan to know that you were just a student.

Ethan’s eyes darted to Shawn for a brief second, before his eyes flickered down to your hands clasped together, and you swore you saw him glaring at your hands before he tried to compose himself before answering Shawn’s question, “She––I’ve had her in class before.”

“Then you should be used to calling her Mrs. Mendes.”

Ethan’s eyes hardened at the protectiveness of Shawn’s words as he nodded his head once, “We’ll be at table six––”

Shawn stepped forward until his lower stomach was basically toppling over the weak wooden podium, “If you do anything to make her feel uncomfortable again,” his low and threatening voice sent a shiver down your spine as he insinuated what he had done in the past, “I swear you’ll never work in a restaurant in Toronto again.”

You noticed how Ethan’s jaw clenched as his face began to turn red. You didn’t know if it was red out of embarrassment or anger, but you didn’t want to stick around to find out.

“We’ll be at table six,” you said as you dragged Shawn by the hand.

You made it to your table and you couldn’t help but smile up at Shawn who had a proud smirk on his face, “What are you doing?”

The two of you sat down on the barstools as you waited for everyone else to get checked in. Shawn moved his stool closer to yours so that you could sit side-by-side, thighs touching, as he threw an arm over your shoulder and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of your lips, “Just tryna cause a little trouble.”

You rolled your eyes as you rested your head on his shoulder, “I love you.”

Shawn smiled brightly down, “And I love you,” his attention was briefly pulled away when Ethan called out that the lesson would be beginning shortly. When he returned his gaze back down to you, he smiled softly, noticing that your eyes had never left him, “With all my heart.”

taglist: @fallinallincurls @alina--jpeg @adelaidestreets @5-seconds-of-mendes @particularnarry @now-that-i-saw-u @turtoix @shawnsmutal @vinylmendes @mendesficsxbombay @lights-on-mendes @illuminatepotter @shawnmendez @thatkidwhodreams

#Shawn Mendes fic #Shawn Mendes #Shawn Mendes x y/n #Shawn Mendes imagine #Shawn Mendes fanfic #Shawn Mendes fan fiction #Shawn Mendes blurb #Shawn Mendes angst #Shawn Mendes fics #Shawn Mendes masterlist #Shawn Mendes x reader #husband!shawn #Shawn Mendes fan fic #Shawn Mendes imagines #Shawn Mendes writing #Shawn Mendes story #Shawn Mendes blurbs #smtt

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slytherflynn · 3 years

Text

Old and New | Pt I

Blaise Zabini x muggle!reader

word count: 1971

summary: y/n is new to France on a study abroad trip. Blaise is visiting France post-Hogwarts. rags to riches story of an unfortunate muggle falling for a complicated, ridiculously wealthy person who just so happens to also be a powerful Wizard.

a/n: this started with an idea, became a moodboard, then became an entire fleshed out fic! I thought it would be short but my brain had other ideas. enjoy! note: I did write this from my personal perspective in life. as a result it is not very inclusive. I plan to change that with my next fics, I’ve just been having a really hard time lately and have been writing a lot of comfort fics and/or self-inserts to escape from irl bc irl is rly shitty for me rn

It’s a brand-new start, in a brand-new apartment, in a brand-new city, in a brand-new country... an ocean away from home. I can bring Tacoma to France, right? At least, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself. Study abroad is fucking... scary. I kinda regret it. It’s a good opportunity and for someone who doesn’t travel, it should be a fun experience. But I’m currently having an anxiety attack over taking out the garbage, so I’m not sure my positive self-talk is working.

I look out the window of my top floor apartment, wait until someone finally finishes walking down the stairs, and run out my door - I nearly trip about five times going down the spiral of death, my arms feel like jelly thanks to perpetually pushing my garbage deeper in to avoid this trip, and I swing with all my might to hurl my garbage bag into the trash compacting dumpster - only it hits the bottom lip and falls to the ground, splitting open.

“Great!” I say, sarcastically, “First they send my luggage to the wrong location, then they try to say my passport isn’t valid because my apartment was a temporary address, then I’m greeted with a fridge full of rotting food and no power, then I’m bitten up by fleas and now - I just- fuck. Why can’t I just- do anything- right-“ I cut myself off when I hear a screen door slide and blink a couple times to erase the threat of tears that had been creeping up on me while I ranted.

When I look up, I see a tall, dark-skinned guy about my age - handsome. He’s wearing a suit, and expensive jewelry. Combine that with the fact he’s living in the apartment building next to me, which is worth more than my life just for one month of rent, and I put together that he’s probably rich beyond belief. I quickly look away, not wanting to stare. I silently pick up my garbage, piece by piece. As I work, I feel eyes drilling holes in the back of my head. I ignore it. It continues, and I still ignore it as I finally shove my ripped garbage bag in the compactor and slam the door shut. I hear a slight jump up above, and chuckle to myself.

I zoom back up the stairs and almost make it to the top, but I trip 5 stairs away from my door - and fall, hard. Body laid out flat hard. Cheek scraped and stinging from the metal grating on the stairs, hard. Lost the goddamned slide that caught on the stair, and can see it gradually falling, bouncing and rolling down the stairs, hard. I lift my head and see blood on the stair. I feel it running down my face. All I can think is that this really fucking hurts. The tears come, a combination of pain and frustration, and I pick myself up and stumble my way into my apartment, completely forgetting about the attractive rich boy who just watched me be a danger and inconvenience to myself.

I rush to the kitchen and grab a roll of paper towels, and run to the bathroom, I see the markings in the mirror and can tell it will leave a sizeable scar. Do I need stitches? I don’t know. Anyway, I start dabbing at everything and blood is still oozing out of every nook and cranny, to my displeasure. I’m about to start bandaging my face when I hear a knock on my door. “Fucking Christ!” I mutter to myself as I slap a wad of paper towels on my face and sulkily go to fling open my door.

I’m not sure who I’m expecting, but to see the same rich guy on my doorstep, slide in hand, probably wasn’t it. “Hey, um, I saw what happened, and I thought you might want your shoe back.” His accent sounds very British - I was expecting it to sound more like a snooty Frenchman’s.

“Oh. Um. Thanks.” I say flatly.

As my muscles twitch to begin closing the door, he says, “Would you like some help cleaning that up? I have certifications to give medical aid... and stitches. My name’s Blaise, by the way.”

Doctor, maybe? Probably. “Sure,” I say, opening the door wider and standing back so the blood doesn’t drip on his suit. “I’m y/n.”

A few minutes later we’re in my bathroom, me sitting on the toilet, him sitting on the bathtub as he helps me fix my face. “So, Mademoiselle y/n,” He asks, “Do you find yourself in these predicaments very often?”

“Which one? Poverty, flea bitten, or bloody?” I say.

“I suppose whichever you’d like to think I was referring to.”

“Well, in *that* case - I’m usually caught unawares in all kinds of predicaments - though I’d say self-injury due to clumsiness is an uncommon one. And do you usually find yourself in predicaments requiring you to treat someone’s wounds?”

“I used to, though now it’s only on the occasion.”

“Sounds like an improvement,” I note. “I won’t guarantee it, but I think I’ll get the hang of walking up the stairs soon enough, so you don’t have to worry about me.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily mind it if I did worry about you once or twice more. Why were you running? It seemed like you wanted to get away from something. Does your garbage compactor smell that disturbing?”

“It doesn’t smell great,” I admit, “But truth be told, I’m not a fan of human interaction. It’s scary. Especially when everything is new to me.”

“How long have you been In France?”

“A few days, just enough to get myself physically settled.”

“I see. And you are from America?”

“Mhm. Let me guess, my accent gave it away.”

“And the slang, I’ve yet to hear someone from France use certain terms that you seem to favor.”

“Oh, most of my slang is specific to my city, not just my country.”

“Your city?”

“Yea, Tacoma. It’s near Seattle, if you know where that is. Tacoma’s better, though.”

“I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never been there. My mother is a fashion designer, but she only travels where there’s inspiration or a business deal.” So that’s how he gets the expensive clothes. The rest of the money too, probably.

“Must be nice, having a handmade closet.” I muse. “Not that I care for having any more clothes than I brought. They’re pretty reliable, if I do say so myself.”

He laughs. “Yes, well, if the blood stains don’t come out of your jumpsuit you might need a new one. They shouldn’t be too difficult to remove, though.”

“Yea, I’ll just dump a bucket of Oxi-Clean on it and call it a day. That is, if any stores nearby have it.” I frown, realizing I have no clue if France carries any of the products I usually get. This is gonna suck. Hopefully the internet has some answers so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.

“Why don’t I take your jumpsuit back with me? Save you the trip. Believe it or not, I used to have chronic nosebleeds, so I know a thing or two about stain removal.” Blaise offers.

I smile, only just. “Well, if you insist. But I love this jumpsuit practically more than myself, so I expect it back right away!”

He returns the smile. “A fan of fashion? You ought to meet my mother.”

I chuckle. “I’m sure your mom would despise me - I only own seven jumpsuits and some athleisure for going on runs.” I pause, then tack on: “Oh, and some fuzzy pajamas for when I’m sick.”

Blaise cocks a brow at me. “And when you’re not sick?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I grin mischievously.

A wave of recognition graces his eyes, and he very quickly looks away, I assume for being flustered.

“You Americans, always so scandalous.” He tsks in mock scorn.

“That’s what we’re known for, is it not?” I say cheekily, “Beer, boobs and gun barrels. And all the other problems that come with that, but that’s a can of worms I am not looking to open today.”

He ties off his handiwork, and says, “It looks like my job is finished, other than stealing your jumpsuit off your back to fix it. I can wait in the other room, if you’d like?”

“Um, yea, that works. Lemme just, grab my next jumpsuit. Gonna have to do laundry early, I suppose-“

“I can wash your jumpsuit for you. I’m pretty good at reading labels, if I do say so myself.” He jokes.

“Oh?” I say, “Then you must be a real genius! Who taught you, Einstein?”

“No, but it was another white-haired, eccentric man, so you’re not that far off.”

“When all teachers are like that it’s kind of impossible not to hit relatively close to the mark.” I remark, then change clothes as quickly as I can, tossing the dirty outfit into a trusty plastic bag and tying it shut.

When I walk out to the living room, Blaise is toying with one of my sculptures. He’s definitely been meandering and lurking around. “Enjoying yourself?” I ask, at which he jumps. “You’re rather skittish, Blaise.”

“And you’re rather quiet on your feet, y/n.” He observes. “But yes, I quite like your eclectic style. If only you had an apartment that let your customization shine. Something more minimalist.”

“Yes, well, it’s something I’ll forever dream of and likely never accomplish. I don’t suspect I’m going to be someone leaving the income level I was born into.” I say, just a little bit cynical.

“And why is that?” He asks.

“Because most people don’t, and the ones who do are the ones who make money. My career isn’t going to make me money.” I reply.

“So why did you pick it?”

I sigh. “Because somebody has to care about the people like me. The politicians don’t, the middle class don’t, and the rich are hell bent on keeping us there so they can have factory workers and have people going straight to prison after they graduate because we’re all desperate and miserable.”

He frowns. “That’s terrible.”

“It’s reality. And I don’t want to be like the people who get rich and stop caring because all they see is the wage difference and pretend it’s justified so they don’t have to feel complicit in the system.” I look him in the eye, my face grim. “Not all luck is by chance. Most of it is by design.”

He nods. “I understand, in a way.”

“Everyone does.” I say. “But understanding in a way and caring enough to do something about it are two different things.” I look away from him when I see his posture change. “I’m not trying to be rude, but it’s impossible not to notice the wealth gap between us when you’re wearing designer clothes and living in what looks like a mansion and I’m living in a building made in like 1900 with no elevator. It’s just the way things are, though.”

“I know.” He says quietly, thoughtfully. “I’d better get going. Your clothes?” He reaches out tentatively for the bag I’m still holding.

“Oh. Right.” I say, handing it to him. Our fingers brush against each other slightly, and it sends chills down my spine. He heads to the door while I’m rooted to the spot, collecting myself.

“I look forward to seeing you again, y/n.” He nods, meeting my eyes with a rather changed expression.

“I’ll see you soon, then?” I ask, not quite sure which answer I’m expecting.

He smiles, only just. “As soon as I am able.” Seconds later, he’s out the door, and I’m alone in my dingy ass apartment. How in the fuck did any of that just happen?

#Blaise Zabini #muggle!reader #blaise x reader #slytherin #hogwarts #lady zabini #harry potter #hp #imagine #fanfic #slytherflynn #part 1

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touchmycoat · 3 years

Text

qijiu bingqiu (bingliushen??) fix-it fic planning blabber

so i think i gotta keep it tight on SJ’s POV. Right before his death, he makes a deal with Xin Mo (who’s kind of a lone operator bc LBH too has to fight its power) to create this alternate timeline in exchange for his cultivation. Xin Mo can open up new dimensions no problem, and with SJ’s cultivation, it even manages to rewind the timeline. That’s not enough though—Xin Mo’s goal is only consumption, so it takes the deal but reveals there’s nothing that will actually change. The price SJ paid only opened the door.

But that’s fine, ‘cause SJ saw it coming. He also strikes another deal, this time with Death itself? Some sort of large cosmic force. The only thing he wants changed is Qi-ge’s death, and in exchange...the universe takes him. SJ will not get to exist in that second universe. SJ takes the deal.

And that’s the start of canon. SJ-as-SQQ can no longer exist. Instead, SY-as-SQQ is brought in. In order to stay cohered though, YQY’s memories and personality get a little glitched—he is physically incapable of recognizing all the ways SQQ is now not SJ. That’s why, despite SY-as-SQQ clearly being OOC, YQY never seems to see it.

Canon happens, now we’re in the post-canon world where bingqiu are married and settling down, but SQQ still kicks it with his buddies LQG and YQY every now and then. YQY still firmly believes SQQ is SJ, to SY’s increasing consternation. Is it just delusions and wishful thinking? The more YQY treats him as SJ though, the worse SY feels—he shouldn’t be stealing all this affection that doesn’t belong to him.

It all comes to head when SQQ overhears public opinion on YQY, how he’s perfect in everything but his crazy devotion to SQQ. SY thinks enough is enough. He can’t bring SJ back but he sure can tell YQY that his Xiao Jiu is dead, right? The System warns him he’ll be punished but that’s fine, it’s just not fair, SQQ can take another little mental horror trip down to BinggeLand if it means YQY can have some closure.

Except that’s not what happens. He gets YQY in private and says, “no, you don’t understand, Shen Jiu is dead.” He sees the recognition in YQY’s eyes, but he also sees the moment that recognition gets wiped. The sad smile that had fallen off of YQY’s face returns, eerily happy, as YQY says, “my apologies, Qingqiu-shidi, I must have spaced out just now, what did you say?”

Right before the System kicks him into another punishment phase, SY tries again: “Shen Jiu is dead!” He sees the recognition disappear once again from YQY’s eyes.

Inside the punishment world, Bingge has him again. “I’ve been searching for an answer to why the sniveling pathetic version of me gets you as his Shizun, and I think I figured it out.” For a moment, SY’s horrified by the possibility that Bingge has figured out his transmigrator status—if his punishment figures it out, would he be trapped inside the punishment forever? But instead, Bingge says, “Liu Qingge is still alive, meaning Shizun didn’t kill him in the spirit caves. Did his survival render such a dramatic change?” SQQ”s like “yup, yup that’s definitely it. We’re such good friends, he really changed my outlook on life, so I treated you better, mhm.”

“Shizun’s very clever then to save his own life this way. Xin Mo’s already told me about your little bargain.”

That’s how SY learns that SJ had made a deal. Holy shit, he’d thought it was just random phenomenon this whole time, but the original goods had made it all possible? He didn’t know whether to thank SJ or curse him.

But that can’t be the whole story—Xin Mo opened up a timeline, that doesn’t explain why SY is here. Bingge doesn’t know this part, but it sure feels like SJ made a second deal, paying with his life.

What would motivate the original goods to do all this? Sacrifice his hard-won cultivation and his entire existence in this last-ditch effort?

The memory of YQY’s glitching came to mind.

Holy shit. SY owns the two of them more than he’d ever thought.

After the punishment, SY goes back home. He’s with Binghe, and LBH can tell there’s something troubling him.

“Binghe, there’s something this husband wants to do, and I need your help to do it.”

“Shizun, anything.”

“...But there’s a risk it might hurt you. There’s a risk it might ruin everything. It might be straight-forward, but it also might not be. It’s safer for all of us—but especially you, Binghe—if I just let things be.”

“But it’s not something that Shizun can just let be, is it? Otherwise Shizun wouldn’t have said anything. Binghe is honored to help. Anything to ease Shizun’s mind.”

“...I promised I wouldn’t let you come to harm again, and I meant that. Whatever happens, remember that I am your husband, this is my call, and you must do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, okay? Swear to me, Binghe.”

SQQ begins figuring out how to use Xin Mo to go fetch SJ from the other timeline. He figures that if Bingge could exist in this dimension without destroying the space-time continuum, the same ought to be true for SJ. Only trouble is, he can only go get SJ after SJ’s made the deals, because otherwise it’s a paradox, and he wouldn’t exist.

So SQQ brings home limbless, post-torture!SJ. That’s where the fic starts.

By all accounts, the deals are squared: SJ no longer has cultivation and SJ died in SY’s dimension, so SY successfully exists. SJ and SY can exist in the same space totally fine, and SJ begins healing.

(Currently, the fic is completely from SJ’s POV, and very much about coming to terms with being saved and what the hell is going on in this better world.)

The trouble is, SY doesn’t know what’s going to happen when SJ meets YQY again. SJ very thoroughly declines the offer to go see YQY because part of SJ still believes this whole thing is a trick, and if he goes to see YQY he’ll ruin his end of the bargain and YQY will die again. For SY’s part, he’s afraid of SJ going to see YQY too for similar but opposite reasons—if SJ going to see YQY ruins SJ’s end of the bargain, then wouldn’t that mean SY can no longer exist? Would SY just disappear from this universe?

So we get ragtag group therapy fun times. SJ thinks this is probably all an illusion Xin Mo is tricking him with, so treats everything with scorn but also existential apathy. This actually works to his benefit because he’s not clinging to things as hard, and it’s easier for him to admit, for example, that he was definitely in the wrong for abusing LBH, and yeah he was being a spiteful bitch when he did not need to be.

SY tries to keep LBH away from SJ mostly, because c’mon, he’s not about to make his darling husband face his childhood abuser. He does explain the situation to LBH though, in the same terms that Bingge had (mis)understood it lmfao—that the act of saving LQG’s life had prompted an entire 180 on his personality so he came out of the spirit caves a better man. LBH’s jealous as fuck of course, but damn if that doesn’t explain some things. Given the opportunity to see his old and new Shizun side-by-side, LBH takes it, and really gets a moment to see how horribly he’s been treated by SQQ.

So it actually prompts some therapy between SY and LBH too. LBH used to figure that getting pushed into the Abyss was squared by SQQ sacrificing himself to save him. But ofc it turned out SQQ came back and kept on, in his perspective, trying to get away from him. Trying to leave him behind. SQQ’s tried to treat his abandonment issues by going “okay sorry about that I’ll never leave you behind again” but he’s never really explained it.

SJ’s presence gives Binghe the ability to ask the question again and gives SY an answer: shame and cowardice. They’re able to put SJ’s mistreatment of Binghe right in front of them and SY-as-SQQ gets to explain how much it hurt to look back on that bit of their past, but also how much he feared LBH's retaliation. LBH is a little hurt, but also he remembers how he’d raped SQQ under Xin Mo’s control and, looking at what’s left of SJ now, he sees his own darkest possibilities. He really did destroy the man he loves now in another timeline. That helps him contextualize SY’s fears and why SY chose to push him off the cliff.

LQG crashlands into the middle of this whole party as is his wont. He gets a little fix-it too maybe. SY very staunchly repeats the reason for his personality swap—saving LQG in that cave made him a Better Person™. Meeting the original goods again, LQG is forced to believe it. Or like, it doesn’t really matter to him either way, but now he really does see pre-cave SQQ and post-cave SQQ as two completely different people.

SJ though, has to swallow this really weird pill. He remembers trying to save LQG inside the cave but failing, and then getting blamed for LQG’s death. If he’d succeeded, he and LQG would’ve become...this close?? A life debt between them would’ve changed his outlook on life so much???

Well whatever. Now that he’s put down all his old posturing, he more readily gives his reasons for why LQG gets on his nerves so much: the insufferable confidence (arrogant prick), the skills to back it up (privileged bastard), and a flawless cultivator family with all the money and the training and the pedigree. (Meanwhile SY’s like “oh shit that’s me too hahahahah awkward, good thing he still thinks i’m him so he doesn’t just murder me immediately.)

LQG’s a little weirded out too. SY-as-SQQ is his favorite person in the world, so it’s hard to get angry at SJ-as-SQQ since they’re “the same person.” He’s more willing to talk all this out with SJ and brings up all their old beef on his side too: high-handed snootiness coupled with underhanded dick moves, also the whole sleeping-with-prostitutes thing hurting Cang Qiong’s reputation. Ofc they’re snapping at each other this whole time. “There’s no reason for you to do all that!”

SY intervenes if needed. “Actually there is.” Considering the fact that SJ gets indicted for so many things that actually turn out to be not his fault, SY figures he’ll just get it out there. “Remember Qiu Haitang’s accusations against me? I grew up a slave in that household. I grew up believing it was kill or be killed—it doesn’t make sabotaging others right, but...that’s why the Spirit Caves made such an impression on me. I learned it wasn’t just kill or be killed, I can also save people. It opened my eyes to everything I already had, and everything I should be grateful for.”

This is for both LQG and SJ. And it works, to some degree. SJ knows he managed to claw to the top of privilege, but he still felt horribly insecure there. That’s because, he realizes, he never got the thing that would actually grant him security. It's not power or money or reputation—it’s Qi-ge. Holy hell he misses Qi-ge. In anger and betrayal, he’d pushed YQY continuously out of his life, but when faced with certain death the only regret he actually had was bringing Qi-ge down with him. YQY was meant to have survived, and in this world, he did.

So now, after all that, SJ really, really wants to go see his Qi-ge. It’s nice to have survived (and gotten part of his power back—at the very beginning, SY gives one of SQQ’s eyes to SJ as a bit of his golden core in order to save SJ’s life), but it’s so damn hard to live on in this world knowing YQY is only so far away, still very deeply attached to Xiao Jiu.

They try to Cyrano it at first. SY-as-SQQ goes to YQY with SJ’s voice in his ear, telling SY how to treat YQY as him. YQY is so fucking touched and hopeful, and SY is damn uncomfortable. He goes running back to SJ and says it’s not going to work—it’s not going to work because he’s no longer Qi-ge’s Xiao Jiu. He’s Luo Binghe’s husband, okay? He can’t go back to YQY as SJ.

SJ’s fucking furious at first (what kind of shitty variation of himself saves LQG’s life and then falls out of love with Qi-ge???? bitch?????) but what can he do? LQG tells them YQY’s on his way here and SJ hides for now. They still don’t know what will happen if SJ meets YQY, so SY continues to front as SJ for now.

But during this conversation, something changes. Maybe YQY says something, but SJ realizes he’s actually a little willing to take this chance. If Qi-ge does disappear—easy, he’d just kill himself right after. He’d already experienced Qi-ge’s death twice before, and at least this time, he can follow, knowing he’s at least reconciled with Qi-ge through SY.

And if he disappears on his own, then at least he knows there’s a world in which Qi-ge does not die horribly. That’s enough for him.

That, however, leaves the very last possibility—that SY will disappear. At this point both LQG and LBH have figured this out, and are very, very reluctant to let this be the scenario. They don’t see it as two people, they see it as their version of SQQ vs. YQY’s version of SQQ.

So there’s a little tension, but in the end, SY gets the final choice. As soon as he learns SJ is willing to go see YQY, he chooses that path. He simply owes qijiu too much to deny them the possibility of reconciliation. So despite knowing he might disappear from Binghe and LQG’s life, he makes it happen.

(They should get a very painful goodbye scene.)

SY goes out to explain things. “Zhangmen-shixiong may have noticed my change since my qi deviation and the spirit caves.” “I’m happy Xiao Jiu has a brighter outlook on life.” “Yes, but I think Qi-ge, of all people, might actually prefer how I was before, right?” “If Xiao Jiu’s happy, I’m happy.” “Yes, but Shen Jiu wants you. Is that alright?” “—of course. I want Xiao Jiu too—”

SJ comes out. Everyone holds their breath.

Scene cut.

It’s said that Cang Qiong’s Sect Leader Yue Qingyuan disappeared suddenly one afternoon...

But jk, YQY just ran away with SJ, they’re recuperating in the mountains and everybody’s fine and it’s a happy ending.

#...nice #that's the whole fic planned then #sv fix-it

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daydreaming-cheese-weasel · 3 years

Text

community wild west au

okay, it’s a bit different from what i posted in the rough draft of ideas thing, but here it is!! this is part one, bc i think the whole thing is gonna end up longer than i thought lol

Annie knew she couldn’t stay here forever. It was a small town, and she always knew, somewhere deep down, that she would move on to bigger things someday. But that didn’t make it easier to be forced to leave. This was all she had ever known- playing kick the can with the younger children of her father’s patients while they got their medications, playing dress up with her mother, beating the dust out of their clothes during windy season with her brother. She knew she had to face the truth. She wasn’t welcome here anymore. If she had just known when to quit, she wouldn’t be in this situation... that’s what she beat herself up on while she silently bagged the cheese and apples her mother had paid good money for. If she wasn’t such a petty child, she could have stayed here forever... that’s what she thought while she stole the medication from her father’s office that could have helped so many people. But it was too late now, she thought as she reached the town’s limits, just before sunrise, wearing a form fitting vest given to her by her mother for her 18th birthday, taking on last look at the life she lost.

Troy never cried. That’s what he told himself, anyway, tilting his hat so that Abed wouldn’t be able to see his face. But looking at that poor horse, wincing in pain as Abed cleaned his wounds made a tear run a path down his dusty cheek. Abed was gentle with the animal, of course. Troy’s boyfriend would never ever hurt anyone, regardless of what the townsfolk used to whisper behind Abed’s back. Troy felt a flame in his stomach just thinking about them. And how terribly they always treated Abed. They were gone now, just memories of the past. Troy was free; that’s all he ever wanted.

Abed wondered where this horse had come from and how he gotten hurt as he gingerly wrapped his bright red bandanna around the horse’s front leg. It was almost the same color as the blood dripping rhythmically into the dirt. He glanced up at Troy standing a few feet away from where he was kneeling by the light brown horse. He could tell he was trying and failing to control his deep emotions, something Abed never had much trouble with. This horse represented Troy in a way, he thought. A little bit in pain, but nothing he couldn’t fix. Abed never expected to “fall” for his best friend. Especially since he didn’t fall in love- more like slowly slid into it. Drawing his attention away from Troy’s face, solemn yet “ruggedly handsome”, as the women in town would say, he realized that when the horse was healed, he would long to run again. To be free. But Abed was already rather attached to the poor thing. He wanted to see if he could bond with him so that the horse could have a way to survive and Troy and Abed wouldn’t have to continue their journey on foot. But would the horse ever outgrow their relationship? What would happen to Abed if this horse one day grew dissatisfied with his life, even though Abed had become reliant on him? He pushed the insecure questions out of his head and instead gave the horse some water to drink from his canteen, to try and gain his trust.

There wasn’t supposed to be any run ins on the way to Annie’s grandma’s house in Greendale County, a few towns over. She had heard stories of the people who would be on these kind of roads. Bandits, thugs- people who Annie didn’t have much experience with in her sheltered life back in town. But when she saw two figures and a horse laying on the ground, she knew she had to keep going, even if it killed her. This was the only way to get to Greendale where, hopefully she could stay- maybe even get a job and start her new life. With that hope in mind, she trudged on under the hot sun. She was tiring quick. She clearly didn’t know what she was getting herself into when she left, just hours ago. But she had no choice. Who knew, maybe these strangers could help her get to Greendale.

Troy and Abed exchanged a glance as the strange girl explained her situation.

“My father is a doctor, that’s why I have all these medications, I’m bringing them to Greendale,” Annie lied, fluttering her eyes, trying to look innocent. “But a few miles back, I crossed paths with some bandits! Th-they stole my dear horse, Ruthie and if you could spare just, just a few-“ Then she cut herself off, throwing in some tears for effect, really pouring in what her mother would call, “the sugar and honey”. Anybody you met would take pity on a sad sight like that, with her doe eyes and quivering lip.

“Look, ma’am, we don’t have any extra money, just barely enough for ourselves,” Troy told her. “Surely a girl like you could run those meds back to your daddy without any difficulty.” It was true that they had nothing to spare, but the girl didn’t have much to her and Troy felt a pang in his heart as he turned away from her and to the horse.

“No, you don’t understand! I need to get to Greendale!” Annie pleaded. She was only a day into her journey and her feet were throbbing in her boots, her throat dry.

“I’m sorry. I wish we could help you, but we have other things on our plate right now,” Abed said in his usual monotone voice (that didn’t make him sound very sorry, Annie thought), gesturing to the horse Troy was petting reassuringly.

“I-I can help your horse! How about a deal? You take me to Greendale, and I’ll help your horse,”she said. Troy perked up and glanced at Abed.

“An intriguing offer,” Troy murmured to himself.

“How would you help him?” Abed wondered aloud. The horse was looking worse by the minute.

“The medications! It works for people, it must work for horses, too, right?” she said, not even bothering to hide the desperation in her voice as her head pounded from dehydration.

“I thought that was for the people in Greendale,” said Troy.

“They... they don’t need it that bad,” Annie stammered, caught in a lie. The truth was she had hoped to sell the meds on the way to buy some food, but striking up a deal would work even better. Troy and Abed looked at each other, seemingly reading each other’s mind. The girl was obviously lying about why she needed to get to Greendale. Annie cleared her throat, bringing their attention back to her.

“Give us a minute to discuss it,” Abed told her. The men walked over to where they had dropped their supplies- sleeping bags, water, and food- leaving Annie with the horse.

“She’s desperate,” Troy said.

“She’s lying” Abed replies.

“We can’t push her; if she doesn’t want to tell us why she’s going to Greendale, we can’t make her.” Troy knew what it was like to want to shut down from the outside. Abed considered this for a moment.

“Okay. If you trust her, I’m with you. We were going that way, anyway. Plus, the horse needs help.” Troy grinned. He went on his tiptoes to kiss Abed’s cheek. He smiled at him.

“Thank you Abed,” Troy said, in that tender voice that Abed slid into love with.

“Let’s bring her some water, she looks like she’s going to pass out any second.”

Thanks for reading!! Reblogs are appreciated if you enjoyed it! Part two will be where they meet the rest of the group so stay tuned!!

(thanks for the inspiration @understandably-odd!!!)

#six seasons and a wild west au #trobed #trobedison #community #six seasons and a movie

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carcinized · 3 years

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Hey hey hey I don’t have Tumblr BUT I saw your post about C!Tubbo dissociation headcanons and here I am, asking for them. And possibly more C!Tubbo headcanons. Preferably angsty. Just. Any of them. Please. Thank you.

oh, a fellow starved c!tubbo enthusiast. hello there, i do have some headcannons to spare luckily, hope you enjoy!! mostly this is the dissociation ones but i have some miscellaneous ones & songs at the end for you :]

so obviously uhhh tw for dissociation/depersonalisation/derealisation in this post!!! also going to put them under the cut bc this is long lmao

oh and disclaimer: this is very much based off my own experiences with (near constant) chronic dissociation so it might be different from other experiences!! yeah.

oh ALSO this is disorganized and probably missing stuff because i am going through a bad bout of spaciness as of right now, so apologies if anything is confusing, feel free to ask for clarification!

idk background timeline stuff so it fits into the story

at first he didn’t even realize he felt disconnected from things. it started off as a coping mechanism during combat and felt so similar to the feeling of being “in the zone” he’d known before that he didn’t question it

after a bit, it spread from only being there during battle to during conflict in general. still, he didn’t mind it—it actually made arguments more bearable because they felt almost secondhand.

eventually he came to use it as a crutch so much that it became constant.

that was when he started wanting it to go away.

and then because i can’t bear to give my precious c!tubbo constant dissociation he probably gets breaks from it sometimes idk lmao

his experiences:

gaps in memory

auditory processing issues

lots of depersonalisation and not recognizing himself in the mirror (which is even more fun/terrifying if you add in shapeshifter headcannons)

a lot of the time he feels like his actions aren’t his, which helped him to feel less bad doing morally ambiguous things (spying, exiling tommy, hunting technoblade, etc)

after it all he was left with near constant dissociation almost all the time.

it nearly always feels like the world is secondhand to him and he has no control/impact (ironic considering the power he has, and he knows that, but)

often wonders if he is dreaming and just waiting to wake up from a coma he’d gotten from one of his many battles.

when things get really bad he wishes he could just wake up from it.

often doesn’t recognize his hands looking down at them, especially with the burns he has now. they’re not his hands, right? but they are. they’re his hands. huh.

uhhh examples of where it could have been shown in plot if you squint lol

for example, that famous clip of him dancing while wilbur and tommy argue in the background would be a physical representation of him zoning out (dissociating) to get out of/away from an argument.

the whole yes man thing could have either been an auditory processing issue where he replied yes to wilbur without hearing what wilbur had asked OR a gap in memory where he didn’t remember telling tommy the opposite

he pulled away for like 5 months into snowchester and talked to hardly anyone but his husband and son. dissociation is hard to interact with people during because you feel so isolated for so many reasons—sometimes you feel you’re the only real thing there, sometimes it feels there’s a glass wall between you and everything else that IS real. and even ignoring that, most people can’t relate to feeling that way, leaving you even more alone. he could have pulled away because it was too much too keep going through that (i did that don’t recommend it tubbo JSJD)

miscellaneous headcannons that i don’t see very often:

after winning a battle, his instinct is to play a disc and look out at the sunset because that’s what he and tommy always did (see his lore yesterday (june 18th)—he did it with ranboo despite tommy not being there)

i’m rather fond of my original-l’manberg-citizens-consider-haircuts-and-fixing-up-appearances-affectionate-because-wilbur-did-it headcannon so i’ll add that here—basically wilbur gave everyone military cuts and new suits and everything. and while that was just for war, it was also because he cared about all of them. ever since, they all considered fixing up someone’s appearance an act of love.

tubbo refused to let anyone cut his hair after the red festival, not trusting anyone. he would probably let ranboo do it now, only he’s rather attached to the way it hides his burns and some of his horns and keeps him warm in the freezing snow.

he builds walls like how tommy builds cobblestone towers—a reflex, a coping mechanism, a habit. he built the l’manberg walls and ever since the defense has been second nature, whether for the best or the worst.

ive been waiting forever to share these i have way too many. i pass the hours staring out the window listening to misterwives and imagining c!tubbo animatics to it and now i have a chance to share them oh my god

so without further ado,

c!tubbo animatics i have in my head:

whywhywhy by misterwives: ok this one isn’t chalked out but it has him vibes

alone by misterwives: just him and ranboo. figuring things out. helping each other heal. i legitimately have an entire animatic in my head to this lyric by lyric and could make a fucking storyboard for it if only i could draw. if anyone wants me to write out lyric by lyric what it WOULD be though feel free to send an ask aHAHHAHAHA

over the rainbow by misterwives: a montage of c!tubbo just. finally going apeshit. that would be so cathartic alright and it’s such a badass song he deserves it

it’s my turn by misterwives: pretty much any times that tubbo finally got to do something back at someone who wronged him—the butcher army going after technoblade, him yelling at quackity about borders saying “well don’t i get to put my foot down too?” the lyrics “i know you’ve got your version of the story, i’m sick of saying sorry, i’m sick of always having to explain” during his spy arc PLEASE he had to justify everything he did and the “are you happier?” comment and schlatt breathing down his neck aAAAA give my boy a break (also the instrumental uses a lemon demon-type sound which makes me think of ranboo so i love imagining a cool bee dup building the outpost montage there snhshagahffn)

find my way home by misterwives: idk the vibes just fit man

oxygen by misterwives: hhhrnggg clingy duo angst oW

i did say i spend a lot of my time listening to misterwives and daydreaming c!tubbo animatics didn’t i?

anyways yeah. here’s some c!tubbo content to help us poor starved c!tubbo enthusiasts :’D also misterwives propaganda go listen to them female led band with a fucking badass lead singer with banger songs and incredible vocals and lyrics ANYWAY

#dsmp #tubbo #dream smp #mcyt #dissasociation tw #feel free to add your headcanons btw or ask for clarification on these!!! i would love to talk abt c!tubbo with you SHJDJDJDJD #dissociation tw #depersonalisation tw #derealization tw #allyster rambles #ask #anon

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kim-ruzek · 3 years

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CONGRATULATIONS ON HITTING 100K WORDS PUBLISHED!!!!!

I am so stinking proud of you, because you’re amazing and you’ve written almost 100k burzek words?? That’s an extra 100k that wasn’t in this fandom before. That nobody had read. Of scenarios and storylines and beautiful prose that you did.

I was going to try do a “rank your fics” thing, but then I realised like…I have a top three and then everything else moves around depending on my mood. So I’m telling you my top three.

Number one is, as always, Contentedness. I love this fic so so much. I believe it was the first appearance of Ally (whose now my favourite ever original character and sorry not sorry I’ve stolen her multiple times but HOW COULD I NOT???). This fic just…its the epitome of soft burzek for me. Of burzek loving each other and working through their issues and deciding that their love is worth continuing on with. Is worth going through the hardships. It’s worth it all. Plus the teasing Antonio and him not realising Ally is Adam’s daughter! And that beautiful moment of Kim remembering that she had to tell Voight she and Adam were sleeping together (I can never forget it that line is EMBOSSED INTO MY SOUL). And “I’m talking about my granddaughter, not her father.” From Trudy. This was the moment honorary Grandmother!Trudy was born and she will never leave my soul. Ever.

Two and three I keep tossing up which goes first, and honestly if I wrote this tomorrow I’d probably have a different two and three. But number two right now is family we chose. I just…it’s everything. The nails. The love confession. MAKAYLA AND THE BADGE AROUND HER NECK. All of it. The gentle way they talk to her and explain about Kim. Not glossing over that everything is Not Ok between Kevin and Adam (not that you ever would), and the moment Kim just holds onto her family because she’s survived and they’re there and she loves them so damn much and they love her. It’s…I cry every time. Every. Single. Time.

Three is something’s gone terribly wrong. I remember the day you came up with it, and I just went back through our messages and found the one where I worked out (from no clues) what the twist would be and why Adam was missing. We knew the braincell was a thing anyway, but I think that just cemented our knowledge of its genius. But this fic…this stupid, amazing, awe inspiring fic. I love it so much. Like so incredibly much. (AND HOW IS IT TWO MONTHS OLD ALREADY????) It’s just…it has everything. Suspense, Al’s POV (that you write so well), that moment where Kim has to tell Al that they had sex that morning and oh god I could feel the cringe and embarrassment through the page. Bob being an ass. Voight being protective, AL being protective. Antonio listening to Kim and realising she’s right and getting the information out of Bob. Roman bashing. Kim standing up for herself and telling Trudy she can’t work with him anymore. AND THEN SHE GETS OFFERED INTELLIGENCE AND SHE DESERVES IT. That moment is so gorgeous. And Al turning up at the end and telling Adam he’d have kept the secret? Inviting them for dinner? Ugh it’s EVERYTHING. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Like…this was so hard and I was going through your fic list and every single one I was like “I LOVE IT” and I could have written lines about every single one. But I think you’d have killed me. But, y’know, duty. Love you, and I can’t wait for the next hundred thousand published words. Folks, you have no idea what Ree’s gonna hit us with.

Not me SOBBING MY HEART OUT AT THIS AGAIN 😭😭😭 I'm questioning if I'll be able to answer this, with how much it reduces me to (happy, ofc) tears each and every time I read over it.

Your pride in me over hitting 100k posted means so so much to me. You're literally my number one cheerleader and as I've said to you so many times, I never would've even gotten close to this amount if it wasn't for you!!! I love you so much and thank you for supporting and encouraging all my most ridiculous ideas.

Now for y'all-- I could've guessed what Cíara's top three of my fics are bc they never hesitate to rave about them and just...so many days they'll be like "oh I reread [this] again and I love it" and I'll cry bc that's the best thing you can tell me.

To respond to your lovely, lovely words now: Cíara, I will be forever overjoyed and amazed how much you love contentedness. You know how I feel about it, that there's that disconnect to it, even though it has some of my favourite lines in it. And my fics are my children, and I feel bad that I can't love that fic as much as I'd like, but I don't feel as bad knowing it gets so much love from you.

And yes!!!! That is the first appearance of Ally!! And I'm going to take this time to express just how much I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ALLY!! Like the fact that she's your favourite oc and the fact that you've literally stolen her so many times,,,,, it makes me so happy. Like so overwhelmingly happy bc I love her and ugh. Just-- all the feels. Thank you for loving what my brain comes up with and making me not feel so weird for making who Burzek's baby would be.

And I just love love love that you love Kim remembering telling Voight and all that awkwardness. It's one of my first and favourite thoughts I ever made for Burzek and I can't wait until I finally write the scene, not only because that'll mean I'm writing my s7 fix it but so you can have another scene of that to love like you love that line.

I love honorary grandmother!Trudy (or, how she says it in second chances, just grandmother Trudy, their her grandkids blood or not) and I'm so happy you do too.

Family we chose is, I think, one of my favourite fics I've ever wrote. I love all my fics but this one... I love it so much. It was born out of just one (1) photo of Paddy with painted nails and us two screaming about it together and I just... I love it. And I love LOVE that you do too, and all the moments you love about it-- like the badge scene. It's just,,,, it's overwhelming to think about how much I love this fic and that you love it just as much bc that's just incredible and I never thought anyone could love my writing as much as you do.

HOW IS SOMETHING'S GONE TERRIBLY WRONG ALREADY TWO MONTHS OLD????? It feels like only like,,, two weeks ago I was writing it. It never fails to make me laugh and be so in awe that this came out of me being tipsy and then telling you my stupid tipsy ideas. It is my longest, most cohesive fic with some of my all-time favourite scenes and it was made just because I drunkenly laughed at the thought of Kim having to tell Al that she was dating Adam-- and, ofc, the sex moment.

And all the scenes you mentioned... I love it so much and I'm so happy and will never stop being so happy that you love it too. And I'll forever associate it with the moment that we got confirmation, beyond reasonable doubt, that we share a Braincell. The way you just guessed the Bob bits... It's so incredible and I'm so happy we share a braincell.

This ask made me so emotional and teary and I just-- I love you so so much. You are such an incredible person and I'm so happy that I know you. And look-- you made me talk about loving my writing, you made me celebrate!!!! I love that you always, so fiercely and caringly, encourage me to love what I've created, to never be ashamed and put down the ridiculous ideas I come up with, that you tell me that my ideas are self indulgent but that's exactly why I should write them.

And finally, I love how excited you are for all the ideas to come. FILB and FSK and undercover Adam and the Angst monster fic, and Sean Roman is abusive, and Bloodtypes and skater!au and after highschool!au and my many WS!As and all the others that doesn't yet have names.

I love how I come to you with silly ideas, sometimes just so vague-- like with co parents Burzek-- and you just help me grow and nurture them. Without judgement, and with such enthusiasm, even when it comes from my ridiculous tipsy mind.

I never could've gotten here without you, and I won't get to 200k without you, and I'm so happy that you're cheerleading me and just being my friend. I love you so, so much and thank you so much for this and being in my corner, for being the other half of my brain, my writing buddy.

#reese's asks #Cíara tag #I'm SOBBING #this.... I'm so soft rn #and emotional #i love you so much Cíara you are the BEST #(spiral. duty. argument)

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f-117-nighthawk · 3 years

Text

Playlist Update? From MY Brain? More Likely Than You Think

can't remember the last time I posted these all together but I just put a few new songs in. I've been playing Arknights bc STARSET songs keep being used in the trailers, and then I was listening to Transmissions while making dinner, and uhhhhh there's two new Transmissions songs on the playlists, plus whatever else the spotify links needed to update to my ever-changing apple versions.

This is just the main playlist, because this one is now 3h 40m, and the other three playlists are about an hour each. I’ll give them their own post tomorrow. Under the cut, because it's also Write Random Snippits and Include Important Lyrics time

Dark Matter

Surprise surprise, this one’s got probably the most work done on it. A lot of that is moving things around, a few deletions, and the additions.

DM now starts with Your World Will Fail, Dark Matter, and Eater of Worlds. Turn the Lights Out still kinda applies, but I stopped vibing with it starting everything, and wasn’t really sure where else it should go so it got dropped. It’s role is sort of picked up by a UtA song later? Anyway, the opening three are still very much about not only the birth of [REDACTED], but the birth of the universe itself. And that’s why it feels better to start out with YWWF. Because it is the start.

(Your world will fail my love/It’s far beyond repair/Your world will fail my love/It is already there)

(Bring me your soul/Bring me your hate/In my name you will create/Bring me your fear/Bring me your pain/You will destroy in my name)

(Can’t imagine the violence/The rage and the love in my madness/I am the eater of worlds and I’m looking for someone to feed me)

Remnants of Stars is a hook to Filaments at this point, but stays way up here because the thing it’s about connects back up to those three ^ and is something slowly realized by the Paladins throughout the series. There’s kinda three different points that they realize something new about this (at the moment, I Am the One, Cosmic Vertigo, and Centigrade).

(Shed all you know and make way for a galaxy of light/Answers found hidden inside the smallest stone/Bringing forth a new way of life/Open your heart to the sky)

Apocalypse 1992 hasn’t changed. Still about The Fall, still the turning point for the entire damn war. Still about poor Krolia. Still the Rogue One of DM. It happens between parts of Awakenings, detailing the rise of [REDACTED] and the final hours before the destruction of everything sentient species knew beforehand.

(Fly high through apocalypse skies/Fight for the world we must save/Like tears of a unicorn lost in the rain/Chaos will triumph this day)

Apex is the final moments of Apocalypse 1992 from the Red Lion’s perspective, and connects nicely (just as in the albums lol) to the next UtA songs. Which we’ll get to in a bit.

(Brother mountain/Now we sleep/For a thousand years/I will see you again/Something is coming/Coming for me)

You Keep What You Kill covers the slow degeneration of the Empire between The Fall and the Battle of Arus. The knowledge harshly taught by the Thuanial War is forgotten under the influence of Zarkon, Haggar, and [REDACTED]. Marzin and Galraasa quickly rise the ranks as the Empire’s left and right hands, like omens of destruction before them. The four are the ‘holy half-dead,’ the ones who shape the devouring of the universe before them.

(Defying dimensions/These ruthless creatures will steal your soul/Breaking away from the chains of mortality/They won’t be taken down/Bow now to the holy half dead/The master to death mongers calls)

The Glory and the Scum is partially here bc I missed having Delain, I’ll freely admit that. (Delain split up! Like six months ago! I’m still sad!) Here, it’s (most) of the reason why Krolia isn’t around until MGHM. Think Winter Soldier-ish. It’s also from Krolia’s perspective as she’s talking to Kolivan in a conversation I implied in Shatterpoint. Perhaps it shall see the light of day.

(Look at what we've done/Take a step back/Shake your head at what we have become/We're the glory and the scum)

The Seven Sisters is about Keith, mostly, and connected to Closure via its influence on Child From the Stars (Lost in the Dark) and also to Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met. Also the thing about the Pleiades has kinda become A Thing associated with my two favorite halfbloods.

(I cast my hope upon The Pleiades/The Seven Sisters who would come for me/They’d fall to Earth to grant a child’s dream/But I’m still waiting)

Starlight is the Adashi song. Here, it’s the sad part, based around the time that the SFSS Genesis launches for Kerberos. It also is sort of about Shiro’s thoughts throughout the war as he watches ‘from distant skies’ (and influences String Theory kinda)

(At night the earth will rise/And I’ll think of you each time I watch from distant skies/Whenever stars go down and galaxies ignite/I’ll think of you each time they wash me in their light/And I’ll fall in love with you again)

Waking Dream and Abyss are Awakenings. They’re specifically the Red Lion waking up on Sendak’s ship to her new Paladin, but also sort of the rest of the Lions as they find new Paladins for the first time since The Fall (and, also, an accidental hook to the end of Filaments just by virtue of being on the same UtA album…)

(Centuries like flowing streams as years go rushing by/Waiting in the dark for afterlife)

(Open my eyes in a daze/How long has it been? Am I so out of place?/Warmth I can no longer feel/My mountain is gone, I’m surrounded by steel/The strangest of structures arises ahead/Seems to be held up by nothing/Where have I gone, do I dream?/How can the stars be all I can see?)

Who Will Save You Now is about the Paladins in First Contact. It’s the video messages they send to their families, the warning that Something Is Out Here that they need to prepare for. It’s a declaration of protection for Earth, but a recognition that the Paladins may not be able to do what they say.

(I will not take from you and you will not owe/I will protect you from the fire below/It’s not in my mind/It’s here at my side/Go tell the world that I’m still alive)

Then there’s The End of the Beginning. Which is, well, the eponymous fic. And don’t forget the String Theory connection! Fun fact: part of the last chapter leads directly into part of String Theory at the moment.

(Every night I die just a little/All this time, I’m caught in the middle/All your life, you fought with no winning/This is just the end of the beginning)

A Simple Plan is about anything but a simple plan. Lotor is making his secret bid for the construction of the Sinkline ships, but there’s one more thing he needs before it can come to fruition. Haggar has suspicions, and knows one thing that she needs to keep from both him and Voltron. Team Voltron is still struggling to fit into their new roles, especially with a Black Paladin who adamantly does not want to be Black Paladin, and is in desperate need of one thing to fix the last of the damage done during the Battle of the Sarnan Nebula.

(How long can we hold off ending?/How long can we pretend we’re ok?/No one goes on fighting it forever/I know I’m better this way)

Memories of a Girl I Haven’t Met. Such a short song for such an important fic. It skips all the way over Naxzela to the Mission to the Baaria Shipyards, the first major offensive that isn’t somehow connected to canon (even if only a very very small part of it is actually at the shipyards lol). This is also the song that solidified Keith’s very queer identity in Dark Matter. And more Pleiades stuff!

(In this lonely place, bathed in silence and thoughts of you/I can’t see your face but I’m trying to envision you/So are you really out there? Are you awake with memories/Of a boy you haven’t met yet who’s wished upon the Pleiades?)

There’s another fic in here that I’m still waiting for a song to catch my ear, but it’s pretty big so I’m putting it in here. For the moment, it’s called MGHM 2.0: Electric Paladinloo. Featuring the Whispers, Voltron, and a few mullets.

And then. Hoh boy. The beast of beats. TRIALS (reimagine), Dark On Me, String Theory, and I Am the One. We’ve got [REDACTED], we’ve got [spoiler], we’ve got the first major turning point in the entire war, and the first revelation of the true nature of [REDACTED]. Hence the honor of being the separation point of my two main DM folders. TRIALS is the first part, the horrifying realization. Dark On Me and String Theory itself are from Shiro’s perspective. I Am the One is… an image song? I guess? That’s all I’ll say on that. (I would like to note that the STARSET songs bar OWtT tend to be about the Shiroganes…)

(Hear me from the bottom/Forged in regret, I'm the silversmith/Doomsday, you we had it coming/Marching the streets with an iron fist/Obey no more in silence/The steel in our hearts will be monuments/Today, they'll hear the violence/We'll rise from the dark like Lazarus)

(You're the cause/The antidote/The sinking ship that I could not let go/You led my way, then disappeared/How could you just walk away and leave me here?/Light the night up, you're my dark star/And now you're falling away)

(You don’t believe in space/You don’t believe in light/You don’t believe that anything is well beyond your might/We walk across the sky and beneath the ocean floor/We’re never going anywhere we’ve never been before)

(I am the one/I am the architect to rule your fate)

House on Fire is the aftermath of String Theory, and a large vibe of We ARE Struggling Together! It’s about family, never letting go of something you care about, and the slow act of trusting.

(So I’ll just hold you like a hand grenade/You touch me like a razor blade/I wish there was some other way right now/Like a house on fire we’re up in flames/I’d burn here if that’s what it takes/To let you know I won’t let go of you)

Belgrade is The klance song! It is a) a bop b) always stuck in my head because it is That Good. The line in the chorus about ‘sweet songs of seduction’ is eternally funny to me bc a)they’re both ace and b)QPR’s don’t usually involve seduction. Belgrade also leads almost directly into…

(We pretend in the darkness/We pretend the night won’t steal our youth/Singing me the sweet songs of seduction/Let me be the fool, fool, fool/Who will live and die for you)

Here to Save You is about Sam. Mostly. It’s also about Pidge. And Zaivorge cannons.

(A slave for humankind/I made sure I would survive/To stay alive/Now it’s time to move on/When there’s nothing left to prove/I’m coming to get you)

Iron is the third Closure fic (the second is End of the Beginning, forgot to mention that. They’ve slowly moved away from actually being related to it in anything but name and general idea). It’s about Keith coming to terms with parts of himself, and learning how to use them to great effect. Also has a huge info dump about the Blade.

(You can’t live without the fire/It’s the heat that makes you strong/‘Cause you’re born to live/And fight it all the way/You can’t hide what lies inside you/It’s the only thing you know/You’re embracing that, never walk away)

The second major turning point in the war is Monarch, Birthright, and Firewall. I really recommend reading the whole lyrics for Monarch, because the entire thing is very much a Lotor song. I had a bit of trouble picking a lyric to use here. Monarch is here because Lotor is also the ‘singer’ of Birthright, and both songs are to a very specific high-level target of the Coalition. Firewall is a little different as it’s a Team Voltron song not a Lotor song, but happens because of the same thing the other two do. They’re all not exactly a direct result of Iron, but they wouldn’t happen how they do without it, and then [REDACTED] swings back into the fray and things learned in String Theory/the framing story for Through Apocalypse Skies hit in full force.

(I am not the person you remember from before/The one you patronized and stepped on, the one you hurt/And I have pulled the arrows, now my skin has become stone/No longer am I prisoner to your empty fucking words)

(The voices in my head have all begun to sing/(The voices in your head have all begun to sing)/And they sure as hell hope I am listening/(I sure as hell hope you are listening!))

(They come to your dreams with illusion/They come to bring shape to your mind/You know how to stop the intrusion/We all have to fight for our lives)

and then, The Day the Earth Collapsed

(How much time has been elapsed/Since the day the earth collapsed?)

Here Comes the Reign doesn’t come into full effect until several months after Birthright/Firewall, but starts with The Day the Earth Collapsed. It’s largely about Haggar and [REDACTED]

(You made something they can’t take away/Now bring the fire of the burning sun on everyone)

Supersonic is here… kinda as a placeholder? Things have shifted around since its original purpose, and frankly it’s here still as a framework for what I like to call The Meme Battle. It’s generally about the increase in Coalition support and general winning as they go after warlords in the aftermath of Feyiv, culminating in I Need a Hero which is, of course, The Meme Battle.

Yes, it’s the Shrek version. It’s the Meme Battle.

(Supersonic, polyphonic, this is our war/Mustering the armies, marching faster than before)

(I need a hero/I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night/He's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast/And he's gotta be fresh from the fight)

But Tonight We Dance isn’t exactly a klance song, but it’s here for them. On a diplomatic mission gone wrong, the Red and Blue Paladins of Voltron uncover a literally-buried government conspiracy, a rebel cell, and nearly die. A normal days work for the two of them. But they’ve really gotta stop having relationship milestones in the middle of a warzone.

Another reason it’s here is Tonight We Dance is a very aro song to me. “A language universal, but I speak not its tongue” hits hard. I felt like I needed a bit in here to remind listeners/readers that romance isn’t a language Keith speaks. And it becomes very explicit in this fic, just like Belgrade.

(Tomorrow we might wake in servitude and silence/I will give you everything if only you would have me/Tomorrow we will sweat and toil/Our hands will quiver, caked with soil/Tomorrow we'll give it one last chance/But tonight we dance/But tonight we dance!)

But Tonight We Dance is the last of the Closure fics, which is why it’s here. Closure in general is a lot of Keith’s character development and some of the struggles he goes through to accept his place in the universe and the fact that yes, he does have people that care about him. The last fic is me shining a brighter light on Closure’s chorus and taking a ‘last goodbye’ as never needing to say it again

(I am the child from the stars/That got lost in the dark/Between heaven and hell/I am forced to live on/I am the cause when you sin/I am the demon you skin/But there is no more tears to beautify/This is my last goodbye)

Then we step back into the universe-level action with Soulbound. Revelations from String Theory and Firewall swing back in with a vengeance on a joint Whispers-Voltron mission, leaving them reeling and Krolia questioning her very identity.

(Soulbound, endlessly forever/Locked between the darkness and the light/Don’t drown in the swarming, blackened rising/Hold on to humanity and fight)

About three months after that is My Darkest Hour and Faster Than Light. Haggar realizes something and goes searching for her fifth [spoiler], sending the Blade and the rest of the Coalition scrambling. These also lead directly, and I mean directly, into…

(When the sun comes crashing down/When the world is spinning round and round/I will face what must be my darkest hour)

(Once more we’re flying fast as light/Dark matter passing in the night/Pursued by a force we can’t outrun/As we hurtle towards a dying sun/We maneuver through the remnants of a moon/On the solar winds of supernovas/There is not a place to hide, the Matriarch is close behind/It’s plain to see she’s coming for us all)

Cosmic Vertigo and Other Worlds Than These. Together they are the second of two revelations in what, exactly, is [REDACTED]

(Banish me like burned down planets/Write my fate with sparkling lies/I am the universe; you're just one sky)

(Pull the wool out from your eyes/It won’t shade your frail belief/In the end we cannot hide/There are other worlds than these)

Godhunter is Team Voltron, well, hunting for gods, even as one of them disappears.

(She’s been watching for a century/With hatred, and with scorn/If you know the hunter’s coming/Then you hide or keep on running/'Cause she’s slain the gods before)

Trophy Hunter, Ember, and Redemption are the culmination of Godhunter. I’ve been thinking of them as akin to the suicide mission in Mass Effect 2, if that gives you an idea of what the hell they run into. Also I switched which specific Redemption is on the playlist, because I was listening to Red Handed Denial again and their Redemption was vibing way more than the Hammerfall one. They link up to Godhunter and Soulbound in subject matter, and lead directly into…

(You, you won’t escape me, I’ll rise from the deep/In this final moment, no words left to say/I can’t let you be when a life fades away/You, you won’t escape me ‘cause I’ll set you free)

(Dark matter falling from the sky/Dancing flames reflecting in your eyes as you watch them burn/Watching all your riches witches burn)

(Remember me not for the mess I’ve made/But who I could have been/Finally I’m going home)

World On Fire, This is a Call, The Reckoning, The Wind That Shapes the Land, and Louder Than Words. Switched the order up a bit so it makes more sense chronologically, because the message ‘sent by forces beyond salvation’ has to get there before the reckoning can begin.

(World on fire with a smoking sun/Stops everything and everyone/Brace yourself for all will pay/Help is on the way)

(This is a call to action/This is a call to arms/All lives for one, together/There are no false alarms)

(I see your face, find peace of mind/Between the madness and the sadness and the fire burning/The end of war, the great divine/We’ll see the day of reckoning)

(Search within/Uncover the will to win/Turn against the tide that washes o'er/Find the strength to fall and rise again/Open up the gates, unleash the force/I am the wind that shapes the land/Old as time and twice as strong/Oceans arise at my command/I alone can carry on)

(We have the force to fight/We have the blinding light/A war is more than heard/Coming in louder than words)

#i am dark matter; your road to ruin #dm playlists #guess who spent two hours on this! again!#as usual!#long post #i'm teaching in the morning and it's one am #oops

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peaceisadirtyword · 4 years

Text

Rumors (Modern!Ivar/Reader)

A/N: I got this request some months ago and I loved it💜 I wrote it a few times, and I should have posted it on Monday, but when I was finishing it... I didn’t like the ending at all, so I had to postpone it until @ivaravi helped me💕 so thank her bc I really didn’t know how to continue😅

I hope you like it! Thank you anon for the request😘

Warnings: Ivar...👀 mentions of sex and... I think that’s all

Words: 3381

gif belongs to @honestsycrets

Was it him or you looked even more beautiful that day?. When you entered the classroom with a couple of friends next to you, laughing at something one of them said, Ivar could swear you moved in slow motion. Like in movies, when the pretty girl is introduced.

Ivar tried to look away from you, try not to look like a total creep by watching you. It was nearly impossible, to be honest.

You said goodbye to your friends as they sat down on their usual seats and asked them to wait for you after the end of the class so you could grab lunch together. And, as always, you walked over to the seat next to him.

Ivar remembered the first day of class. You were completely alone, being new in town, and sat next to him, asking for permission with a soft blush and a nervous smile. He was so surprised you actually wanted to sit down next to him that he just stared at you for like a minute.

Since then, and though you had made a few more friends around university, you always sat down next to him in Scandinavian History.

"Hi" you left your bag on the seat next to yours, sitting down and smiling brightly at him "How are you?"

"Hi" he cleared his throat "I'm... Fine, you?"

"I'm glad" you didn't stop smiling. Ivar hated the fact that he had the urge to smile whenever you did it "I'm fine too, but stressed with exams" you sighed.

"Don't be" he frowned "Just study as much as you can and do them" he shrugged "If you pass, nice, if you fail... Well, you have another chance"

You looked at him with an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, that's easy to say for you, you're the smartest here" you rolled your eyes smiling playfully "Anyway, I'm not worried about Scandinavian History, I know your notes will be more than enough" you giggled.

Ivar never gave his notes to anyone. In fact, he barely had notes. Only the subjects he was more interested in. But you could ask him with that smile and, though he'd protest a bit, he'd give them to you.

You winked at him when he glared at you, annoyed, and turned around to look at the teacher, who was already writing dates on the blackboard.

Ivar bit his lip and looked at you again, nervously. He had decided to ask you as soon as the class ended. It would be better for when you said no, and he wouldn't have to sit next to you after you rejected him.

Damn you, Ubbe, he thought taking a deep breath. His brother had been insisting he should ask you out, ever since you came to say hello to him one morning as he was smoking next to his brother's car with Ubbe and Hvitserk. They didn't stop teasing him about it since then, and he had to agree to ask you out so Hvitserk would stop threatening to slide into your DMs.

"Just tell her you'd like to invite her to dinner or something like that, to talk to her, relax a bit..." Ubbe had said, shrugging.

"Or to the cinema" Hvitserk added, chuckling "If you sit on the back row, you can..."

Ubbe and Ivar had interrupted him then, groaning and rolling their eyes at the same time. Only Sigurd found that funny.

"Yeah, you should take her to the cinema, Ivar, if you actually talk to her during the date she might realize you're an asshole"

Ubbe had to intervene then.

The lecture was over too soon. He hadn't paid any attention, but he had already read the book twice, so he didn't really mind. His heart was beating so fast he was scared you'd heard it, and he hated himself for not being able to control his own emotions.

You were already standing, collecting your things and muttering how long the day was and how you needed a two-year holiday.

"Y/N"

You turned around to look at him again, an excited smile -probably because it was lunch time- on your face.

"Yes?"

Ivar took a deep breath, and trying to hide his blush, he looked at you in the eyes.

"Would you like to go out?" He said quickly, clearing his throat "You know... With me"

You blinked a couple of times, surprised. Then you had to held back a huge smile.

"I... Like a date?

Ivar frowned. He felt stupid for asking you, of course you would say no, what the hell was he thinking? And... Were you holding back a laugh?

"I... Don't know, do you want it to be a date? It can be a friendly date, if you prefer..."

"No, I mean... I'm fine with a normal date" you blushed, trying to hide your excitement. Your fucking crush was asking you out, and you needed to sit down and have a glass of water.

"Really?" Ivar widened his eyes.

"Yeah, it could be fun" you smiled at him "So... Where do you want to go?"

"I... Know a place, it's near my apartment" he shrugged "We could go there and have a pizza or..."

"Yeah, okay, I'll be there tomorrow" you nodded, the beautiful smile on your lips made Ivar gulp again "Text me the address, okay?"

____________________________________

Your friends didn't seem as excited as you.

They listened to you as you told them excitedly that Ivar had asked you on a date. In fact, you barely ate lunch, too excited and already worried about what the hell you were going to wear.

"Wait" your friend interrupted you "You're not actually thinking about going to that date, are you?"

You raised an eyebrow, looking at her confused.

"What?"

"We're talking about Ivar" she shrugged "Maybe he will fuck you after the date, but you won't hear from him again"

"What are you talking about?" You chuckled in disbelief.

She sighed, leaving her fork next to her salad and looking at you again.

"I know you're new here, Y/N, but you heard the rumors, right?"

"What rumors?" You bit your lip "Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about"

"Ivar is not so good with women" she shook her head "He treats them really bad"

You blinked a few times, with your lips parted and your lunch already forgotten.

"What do you mean? I mean, Ivar is not the nicest person in the world, I know that but..." You shook your head "He has never treated me like that, and I have never seen him..."

"Remember Margrethe?" She raised an eyebrow.

"The blonde girl that dated his brother? Yes, what about her?"

"His brothers" she emphasized with a small smile "She hooked up with Ivar too, she told Sigurd he couldn't... Get it up"

You pressed your lips together when she coughed to hold back a laugh, glaring at her.

"It's not funny, that happens to a lot of people, and what does that have to do with anything, anyway?"

"After that" she had the decency to stop laughing, at least "He started sleeping with lots of girls, God, he was even worse than Hvitserk... They always said the same: that after fucking them, he would literally kick them out of his house and ignore them forever" she rolled her eyes "Others said he couldn't even perform, you know"

You widened your eyes, pushing your plate away. You weren't hungry anymore.

"Wow" you muttered "I could never imagine he would do something like that..."

"And he's rude, he treats people like trash, Y/N"

You looked away, frowning a bit with a pout on your lips.

"But... Who told you all of this?"

"People" she shrugged "I can't assure you it's completely true, but... I think it is, you can judge by yourself"

______________________________________

You stood just outside the lovely little restaurant. You could see him sitting on one of the tables, talking on the phone, and you felt awful. You nearly didn't come to the date, thinking about calling him and telling him you were sick, scared of what your friend had told you about him. What if it was true? The mere thought of him being such an asshole with girls -girls like you- made your stomach turn, but at the same time... It was pure gossip, and it might not be true, he deserved the chance to explain himself.

You took a deep breath before entering the restaurant. Ivar's eyes looked up when he heard the door, and he muttered something on the phone and hung up quickly, clearing his throat and giving you a small smile.

"Hi" you smiled back at him "Sorry I interrupted your call"

"No, it's fine" he shook his head, blushing a bit "It was my mother, don't worry"

Your smile widened. It was truly hard to believe those gossips when he blushed and looked away in that way.

__________________________________

"God, this place is amazing" you groaned taking another bite of your pizza.

Ivar smiled, raising an eyebrow at you. It amused him how fast you could eat a pizza bigger than you. It reminded him to Hvitserk and he immediately knew the two of you would get along very well.

"Yeah, it's good" he nodded "In the morning they serve breakfast too, the best pancakes in town"

He remembered you telling him how much you loved pancakes.

"Really?" your eyes widened.

"Yes" he chuckled "I'll invite you for breakfast one day if you want to"

"Oh, I can invite you" you smiled shrugging "But yeah, sounds nice"

Then, you both stayed in silence again.

Ivar shifted on his seat uncomfortably. His plan was to talk to you about his feelings, as Ubbe advised him. Hey, Y/N, you know, I have like this huge crush on you since I met you and I would love to keep going out with you and see if we can be more than... Friends? Classmates? Whatever the fuck we are now.

Well, maybe for Ubbe that things worked, but for him... Not so much.

He was terrified that you would reject him, and in front of everyone... He already noticed the stares he got since you sat down with him, and the whispers. There was a group sitting on a table at the end of the room that didn't even try to hide their giggles and their whispers.

Gods, if you rejected him he wouldn't ever go out of his bedroom, ever.

You finished your pizza without any effort, drinking a bit of water afterwards while fixing your eyes on him.

"So..." You cleared your throat "How's everything going? I feel like we never talk about anything that isn't university and classes" you pouted.

"It's... Going well, I think" he felt shy again. Ivar hated that feeling, to be vulnerable and shy in front of people.

"Everything good with your brothers?" You asked casually, remembering he often came to class annoyed at them "Do you still fight every day?"

"The day we don't fight, I'll stop acknowledging them as my brothers" he raised an eyebrow and you chuckled "But today I only fought with Sigurd"

"Well, that's a step" you shrugged with a smile on your lips "Hvitserk followed me on Instagram this morning, by the way, he liked all my pics... Is that normal?"

Ivar sighed, rubbing his eyes. He had been teasing him with it during breakfast, but he had ignored him.

"Yeah, block him" he scoffed, and you laughed. The group on the table at the end of the restaurant looked at you, startled.

"Nah, it was fun" you smiled "Hey, I'm going to pay and then we can go for a walk or something... Are you okay with it, or do you prefer to do something else?"

He blinked twice, confused, and then shook his head.

"What? No, no, I'm paying"

"Ivar, come on" you whined, pouting "You showed me this place and sent me your notes for Scandinavian History, it's the least I can do"

"But I invited you" he frowned.

"Then, invite me again" you winked at him before getting up, with your wallet on your hand and walking over to the counter. He sighed, holding back a small smile as he looked out to the window.

It was raining.

___________________________________

You entered the Lothbrok's apartment with your hair wet but a big smile on your lips. Even though a walk around the park sounded nice, you were very curious to enter that mysterious apartment that a lot of girls (and boys) on campus wanted to visit so bad. Besides, you were in the mood for a blanket and a good talk, and you were nearly sure that, if the Lothbroks had blankets, you would have both.

"Sigurd is out" Ivar announced as you took off your coat and your shoes "He left this morning after we fought, and he usually doesn't come home until two in the morning, and Ubbe is working" he shrugged "The only one who could be here is..."

"Hey, Ivar, how was the date, did you fu...?" Hvitserk entered the living room, stopping when he saw you "Oh, you brought her here" he bit his lip and smirked "Hello"

Behind you, Ivar glared at his older brother with his jaw clenched. He'd love to be an only child sometimes.

"Hi" you cleared your throat, holding back a laugh "I'm Y/N, nice to meet you"

"I know, I stalked your profile this morning" he winked at you and you raised an eyebrow "I had to see if you're good enough for my little brother" he chuckled.

"Hvitserk, weren't you leaving?" Ivar hissed, and you giggled. His older brother rolled his eyes with a big smirk and shook his head as he put his shoes on.

"Have fun, but don't do anything I wouldn't do" he patted Ivar's shoulder "I left condoms on your bed"

You turned around and pretended you hadn't heard anything, blushing and with your heart racing. Ivar hadn't insinuated he wanted to do anything with you but... What if he actually expected you to have sex with him? It wasn't that you didn't want to but... You were still thinking about what your friend told you, and you'd like to have maybe a couple more of dates with him before getting into bed, right?

_________________________________

"Ivar, can I ask you something?"

You knew you had ruined the mood. You were having so much fun playing video games with him on his living room that you had forgotten everything about that stupid rumor. Until then.

"Sure, tell me" he shrugged, taking a sip of his beer. He was much more relaxed than he was in the restaurant. You supposed it was easier for him to relax when there was no one around.

"I heard... Something yesterday" you bit your lip, your hands playing with the PS4 controller "About you"

Ivar turned his head to look at you. You could see how he got defensive as soon as you pronounced those last words.

"Yes?"

You cleared your throat, looking anywhere but him, not sure of how to ask the question.

"I really like you, Ivar" you started, chuckling nervously "I mean, you're that kind of mysterious guy that no one talks to in class because he looks dangerous, so I liked you since the first day" you muttered, shrugging and blushing "I never thought you could like me back, so I was fine with being your friend, and when you asked me out... I freaked out a bit, to be honest"

Ivar was left speechless. He had gotten nervous and maybe a bit defensive when you said you had heard something about him. He definitely didn't expect you to be so... Direct. He nearly expected you to start laughing and say it was all a joke. Because all of that had to be a joke.

"But yesterday, when I was all excited about today... My friends told me you have quite a bad reputation with women"

He scoffed, looking away from you with his jaw clenched. Of course you had heard that. He nearly screamed at you, full of a sudden rage that surprised him.

"And you believed them, didn't you?"

You frowned, startled by his harsh tone. You expected him to maybe roll his eyes and say it was just a rumor, or explain himself calmly and not giving it too much importance.

"No, I figured I would talk to you about it first... I thought it was just gossip, but I wanted to ask you"

"What did you hear?"

"Just that... You have sex with a lot of girls and then ignore them" you muttered, blushing "And that sometimes you can't... You know" you cleared your throat.

Ivar glared at you, scoffing before shaking his head.

"Do you think Hvitserk would give me condoms if I couldn't use them?" He spat, rolling his eyes.

You looked at him in shock, a bit taken aback by his reply.

"I... Uh..." You frowned, not really knowing what to say.

"Look, Y/N" he sighed, rubbing his face "I'm not proud of that, okay? And it's not like I fucked the whole city" he rolled his eyes again.

"Okay, sorry" you muttered "I shouldn't have said anything... Do you want me to leave?"

He glared at you again, but held himself back from snapping at you again and took a deep breath to calm down.

"I don't want you to leave" he softened his tone "Look, you're the first..." He growled "Fuck, you're the first person I really like, Y/N, I've never felt something like this for anyone before you..." He narrowed his eyes, looking at his feet and blushing "Everything started when I tried to have sex with Margrethe... And yes, I couldn't get it up" he pressed his lips together "I told her to shut her mouth, but she told Sigurd, and Sigurd told everyone... Poor Ivar, useless legs and useless cock" he scoffed again, shaking his head softly.

You listened to him, holding yourself back from hugging him and kissing his cheek.

"So I started sleeping with any girl that would sleep with me" he shrugged "To prove everyone they were wrong, that I could have sex... It was stupid, okay? I know that, and maybe I should have been nicer to them but... How can I be nice to someone that literally was disgusted by my body? I saw their faces when they looked at my legs, that's why I stopped taking off my pants, because they looked at me with pity, with disgust"

His voice broke a bit, and you bit your lip with teary eyes.

"They didn't like me" he shrugged "None of them would have wanted a real date with me, they didn't even talk to me afterwards... So yeah, I was an asshole, but I prefer that than being nice to someone who literally hates me"

"Ivar..." You said softly, a small smile on your lips "Did you ask them?"

"What?"

"Did you ask them if they wanted a real date with you?"

"No" he frowned "I just knew they didn't"

Your smile widened.

"Maybe one of those girls was crazy for you" you chuckled "But you were too busy being a dick to even realize"

This time Ivar was the one blinking in confusion.

"I understand you" you shrugged "I get it, I was just worried I was just another fuck for you, you know, I was scared you brought me here to have sex and then wouldn't talk to me anymore"

"No, I wouldn't... I wouldn't do that to you" he muttered "I like you"

"I like you too" you tilted your head with an excited smile on your lips.

He smiled a bit, and you giggled before leaning in to kiss him softly. He looked surprised, and his eyes widened as you broke the kiss, blushing and chuckling. Then his hands cupped your face and he kissed you again, smiling against your lips. His arms sneaked around your waist and pulled you closer, making you straddle him as you deepened the kiss.

"So... do you believe me or do I have to show you I can use those condoms?"

___________________________________________

Tags: @mblaqgi @alicedopey @lol-haha-joke @hallowed-heathen @naaladareia @tephi101 @captstefanbrandt @love-hate-love @titty-teetee @readsalot73 @moondustmemories @thevikingsheaux @therealcalicali @chimera4plums @blushingskywalker @awkwardfangirl02 @gruffle1 @justacripple @love-dria @heartbeats-wildly @letsrunawaytotomorrow @inforapound @sallydelys @hellogabysblog @winchesterwife27 @hecohansen31 @youbloodymadgenius @xinyourdreamsx @funmadnessandbadassvikings @eteramfools @tgrrose @flokidottirsstuff @scuzmunkie @didiintheblog

I hope I didn’t forget anyone!😅 thanks for reading😘

#ivar imagine #ivar the boneless #ivar x reader #modern ivar #vikings #vikings imagine #modern vikings #request

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