#professional oaths

[todays-xkcd]

Interpretations of the Hermeneutic Oath differ.

Professional Oaths [Explained]

Transcript Under the Cut

[8 Panels in a grid.]

Hippocratic Oath [Ponytail in a doctor's coat with her arm raised in pledge.] First, do no harm

Hyperbaric Oath [Cueball shaking.] First, acclimate to the pressure

Holographic Oath [A hologram of Ponytail fitzing in parts.] First, shimmer intangibly

Histrionic Oath [White Hat yelling, fists upraised.] First, whine and complain

Hydroelectric Oath [Megan sat in the cut-out wall for a giant turbine.] First, maintain your turbines

Hippodromic Oath [Ponytail in a chariot pulled by a horse.] First, race your chariot well

Hypnagogic Oath [Cueball, half-risen from bed in shock.] First, jolt awake just as you're drifting off

Hypergolic Oath [Cueball on fire.] First, burst into flame

[jayther]

Professional Oaths

Subtext: "Interpretations of the Hermeneutic Oath differ."

[canary3d-obsessed]

WTF Gu Wei

Ok, The Oath of Love has been out long enough that I don't feel bad about posting an appropriately-tagged spoiler. And I'm STILL bothered by this months and months after watching, so:

Early on, the Dad has stomach cancer, and the rival doctor guy wants to do a big extreme surgery to have the best chance of preventing the patient eventually dying from cancer. Gu Wei wants to do a more limited surgery that will treat the cancer while enable the patient to have a better quality of life and still be able to eat normally. The patient opts for the more limited surgery...and eventually DIES OF CANCER. Gu Wei's reaction is just "yes, cancer is very sad, sigh," without any consideration of how they reached this point. The show doesn't seem to realize it has proved that rival doctor guy was right?

(The show also doesn't realize that being a serious cello player involves hours and hours of practice, but I digress...)

[swordmaid]

the thing with shri’iia to me is that she is very easy to manipulate if you say the right words. that’s how the matriarch kept her in a leash and cage and shri’iia WAS happy with that until she accidentally escaped and slowly realised how shitty all that was. that’s why - in an oathbreaker shri’iia run - she starts to spite the emperor once she realises what he’s doing with her, and why a vengeance shri’iia run would still be plausible after the religious/self existential crisis bc she’ll be in a really vulnerable place and she would want to hear those right words, you know …

[twilightarcade]

anyway who wann ahear aboutr that shitty debate bill YOU do .

[lordfabian]

thoughts on the hippocratic oath?

Well, *I* never swore it....

[anarchyloser]

Apparently this is a hot take but (neo) nazis should not be allowed to become medical professionals

[tamarrud]

Ismail Alghoul has been reporting from northern Gaza and these tweets today from around Alshifa hospital are bone chilling

The Israeli army has forced patients to evacuate the hospital. The situation is dire and a big number of those patients can't even walk. To this moment, the whereabouts of a big number of them are unknown. Have Israeli tanks run them over or were they executed?

Unfortunately, some doctors have told us over the phone that the staff has resorted to drinking Saline after drinking water had run out. This is a catastrophic situation that is met with silence.

Just a reminder that in October, Israeli officials had the nerve to pretend that attacking hospitals was completely out of the scope of Israel's terror. Since then, however, Israel had destroyed over 200 healthcare facilities in Gaza and killed over 300 healthcare professionals, the most recent of whom is Dr. Mohamed Nono, who upheld his oath to save patients and refused to leave his wounded patients, so Israel executed him right in front of them inside Alshifa hospital.

[cerinslair]

Oath of the Courier

A paladin subclass for 5e

Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection.

MAIL.

Tenets of the Courier

The Tenets of the Courier embody a paladin's commitment to delivering the mail with utmost integrity and professionalism.

Handle with Care: Treat anything entrusted to you as preciously as you would your own possessions.

Discrete Delivery: When others confide in you, do not betray their trust. Let none but the intended recipient pry upon what you carry.

Swift Postage: Do your best to fulfill your promises as promptly as possible. Punctuality is a virtue.

To the Letter: Strive to fulfill your oaths exactly as you pledged them. Your word is your promise.

Oath Spells

You gain oath spells at the paladin levels listed.

3rd Level: Expeditious Retreat, Illusory Script 5th Level: Animal Messenger, Arcane Lock 9th Level: Sending, Tongues 13th Level: Legally Distinct Secret Chest, Freedom of Movement 17th Level: Dream, Teleportation Circle

Channel Divinity

When you choose this Oath at 3rd-level, you gain the following two Channel Divinity options:

Postage Stamp: As an action, you mark an object with a magical postage stamp. When creating this stamp, you choose a creature you or an adjacent ally are familiar with to be the object's recipient. This stamp persists for a number of hours equal to twice your paladin level, until the stamped object is delivered to its chosen recipient, or it is dismissed as a bonus action. While holding the stamped object, you can spend an action to magically detect what direction its recipient is in, and approximately how far away they are from you. If the recipient does not want to be located by you, it can make a Wisdom Saving Throw to elude this detection. If you are relying on an ally's familiarity, they get Advantage on this save. If they succeed, they are immune to this effect for 24 hours. You may only have one magical stamp at a time. If you place another, the previous one is immediately dismissed.

This Side Up: As an action, you can use your Channel Divinity to ward a creature or object against toppling. One creature or object within 10 feet becomes immune to the Prone condition. If the target is an object, it must be light enough for you to carry. If the target is an object, it gains Resistance to bludgeoning, force, and thunder damage. If the warded creature or object falls, it may ignore the first 10' of the fall when determining fall damage. These effects last for a number of minutes equal to your Charisma score, minimum 3.

Aura of Determination

Neither rain nor sleet nor hail will stop your delivery of the mail. Starting at 7th level, you emit an Aura of Determination. You and allies within 10' cannot have their speed reduced to less than their base speed when walking, crawling, jumping, or flying. This includes anything that would halve movement, such as Difficult Terrain or Exhaustion; or impose any other fraction-based penalty to speed. You cannot grant any of these effects while you are unconscious.

At 18th level, the range of this aura increases to 30 feet.

Return to Sender

Starting at 15th level, if you are targeted by a spell that targets only you, you may use your Reaction to instead have the spell target its caster. Use the original caster's Spell Save DC, Spell Attack Bonus, and Spellcasting Ability where applicable. If the spell required a Spell Attack Roll, re-roll the attack versus the caster. Once you use this ability, you must finish a short or long rest before you can use it again.

Pen Pal

At 20th level, you can assume the form of a celestial courier. Using your action, you undergo a transformation that grants you the following benefits for 1 hour:

Wings sprout from your back and grant you a flying speed of 60 feet.

Allies who begin their turn within 30' of you gain a 10' bonus to their speed that turn.

Add your Charisma bonus to your Initiative Rolls.

Once you use this feature, you can't use it again until you finish a long rest.

Go forth, swift and trustworthy courier! You are the glue that holds society together!

[togrowoldinv]

The Bodyguard Pt. 2

Bodyguard!Natasha Romanoff x Actress!Reader

Natasha is tasked with being bodyguard to you and you two grow close. Maybe too close, but would she dare cross that line?

Note: The long awaited part 2 is here! Find part one here. I hope you enjoy it!

Natasha Masterlist 1, Natasha Masterlist 2, Natasha Masterlist 3, Main Masterlist

“Rule number three: We can’t get too close to each other,” Natasha says. “I have to protect you with a clear mind.”

“Okay,” you say. “But maybe we could break the rules, Natasha?”

“Y/n,” Natasha warns.

“Come on Natasha,” you say. “Why fight this?”

Natasha stands up from the couch and paces back and forth in front of you.

“I have to step down,” Natasha says.

“What?” You ask, standing up. “You didn’t even cross a line! It’s okay, Natasha. We’ll pretend this didn’t happen.”

“I don’t think I can just pretend it didn’t happen, y/n,” Natasha argues. “I have to go. I’ll send a replacement.”

“Natasha!” You call after her, but she is already out of the door.

You sit on the couch with your head in your hands. Natasha drives to the office, fighting back tears of her own.

When she gets there, she finds Carol at her desk. She hands her your weekly itinerary.

“Nat?” Carol asks.

“Take care of her,” Nat replies. She begins to walk away, but Carol chases after her. She grabs her hand and turns her back to face her.

“What happened?” Carol asks.

“I got too close,” Nat shrugs. “We almost kissed.”

“Shit, I’m sorry Natasha.”

“It’s alright. I took an oath, you know. I can’t be her bodyguard now. You’re the next best one.”

“I’ll take care of her, Nat. I promise.”

Carol hugs Nat briefly before she reports to your apartment. You don’t greet her with near as much enthusiasm or politeness as you should. She doesn’t take it personally.

It doesn’t feel the same as she walks you to your car. You realize nothing will feel like being with Natasha did. And you didn’t even date the woman. You zone out on the way to the awards show you are to attend tonight.

“Miss Y/l/n, are you ready to go inside?” Carol asks you.

“I- I really don’t want to go in,” you speak truthfully.

Carol leans up and asks the driver to give you two a minute alone. He agrees and steps out of the car.

“Is this about Natasha?” She asks.

You whip your head around to face her. She wears a knowing look.

“She told you what happened?”

“She did,” Carol confirms. “I hate it for both of you. Nat was really happy, and she is never happy to be security for actors.”

“We got too close,” you sigh.

“What does that even mean?” Carol wonders aloud. “Life is too short to worry about being too close with someone, y/n. Sure, you two should suspend the professional partnership, but there’s no reason you can’t be with her.”

“You think so? She ran out before I could even ask her why not that.”

“You should try and talk to her again,” Carol suggests.

“I don’t even have her real phone number.”

“I have it on good authority that she will be here tonight,” Carol replies. She almost wears a smirk on her face. It reminds you of Natasha’s crooked smile. “And I’m pretty sure the world will be disappointed if their favorite actress doesn’t make an appearance tonight.”

You take a deep breath and straighten your dress. Carol gets out of the car first and helps you out onto the carpet. Cameras flash immediately, and you hear shouts of your name. It all feels a bit overwhelming.

“Just breathe and keep moving,” Carol says.

Your nerves settle as you do all of the required photos and interviews. Once you’re inside, you greet friends in the industry. You catch sight of Natasha out of the corner of your eye, but you don’t see her fully.

The ceremony is decently boring until there’s a loud blast. Before you can even process it, Carol is by your side and covering you with her body. You don’t feel any physical injuries. But it’s another person that lifts you up out of the rubble.

“Natasha?” You ask.

“It’s alright,” Nat says. “I’m getting you out of here.”

“Nat, you’re bleeding,” you say, recognizing the seeping red liquid coming out of her side.

“I’m okay.”

She carries you out of what is left of the building and to the emergency medical tents set up. Nat sets you at one of the tables and turns back towards the building. You reach for her to stay.

“You need help, Nat,” you say.

“Take care of her,” she instructs the EMT.

“Natasha-”

“I have to go get Carol. I’ll be back.”

She runs off before you can get another word out. It’s five minutes before you see her again. Nat is barely moving as she carries her unconscious friend over her shoulder. Clearly, they both sustained life-threatening injuries.

You rush towards where Nat lets someone take Carol from her. She falls to the ground in pain, finally.

“Y/n,” Nat whimpers.

“Help! She needs help!” You yell for someone.

The EMTs are quick to her aid, but she’s already passed out. You sit on the pavement and watch as they tend to her injuries. They tell you they have to take her and the other injured to the hospital. It takes forever to find a ride there yourself.

You burst through the doors and demand to see Natasha. A doctor stops you short of the restricted area.

“Hey, hey, who are you looking for?” The woman asks. She has to place her hand on your shoulder to stop you from barging past her.

“Natasha Romanoff,” you say.

“Okay. Let me find her chart.”

The woman takes forever to scroll through the tablet and find her name. It’s probably just seconds, but to you, it feels like hours.

“She is in surgery,” the woman answers. “I’ll take you to the waiting room, and someone can update you. Follow me.”

You follow the doctor to the waiting room and see a large group of other people waiting there. A lot of people were injured in this accident. Their heads turn when they see who you are.

“Shit,” you mumble to yourself.

You try to escape the crowd, figuring they would realize you’re not in the state to greet fans right now, but they surround you. The voices are loud and jumbled, but you hear one that is different. One that is helpful.

“Hey, come with me,” a woman’s voice says. You honestly don’t even care who it is as long as they get you out of this crowd.

She takes you down the hallway and scans a badge to the restricted area. You follow her into what seems to be a doctor’s lounge.

“My daughter works here,” she says with a smirk. “I’m Maria, by the way. Maria Rambeau.”

“Y/n,” you tell her.

“Yeah,” she says with a small laugh. “Who are you here for?”

“My- um- my bodyguard.”

“Must be some bodyguard if you care enough to be here,” Maria says.

You sit on the couch and close your eyes. You didn’t think you had any physical injuries, but your wrist is throbbing in pain. You sigh.

Maria types something on her phone and then makes you a glass of water. You accept it with your other hand and try to breathe. It isn’t long before another woman enters the room. It’s the doctor from earlier.

“Hey Monica,” Maria greets her. She pulls her into a hug. “How is she?”

“It’s touch and go,” Monica says despondently. “Oh, hi again.”

“Hey,” you say to her. “Can you check on Natasha?”

“Natasha?” Maria wonders aloud, mostly to herself.

Monica nods to her mother and pulls out her tablet again. She regretfully tells you there is no update.

“Can you look up my other bodyguard too? I know she was hurt pretty badly. I don’t know her last name, but her name is Carol,” you explain.

“Actually, that’s who I was just updating my mom about,” Monica says.

“You two know each other?”

“She is- well, she was my partner for a long time,” Maria says.

“Oh, I just met her today. She seems nice, though.”

“She is,” Monica pipes in. “I have to get back to work, but I’ll send someone to look at that wrist, y/n.”

“How did you know?” You ask.

“I can’t give away all of my secrets,” Monica jokes. And then adds, “Mom noticed actually.”

You crack a smile and Monica hugs her mom quickly before leaving the room again. Maria sits on the couch opposite you.

“What happened with you and Carol?” You ask. When she hesitates to answer, you say, “Sorry, I just can’t stop worrying about Natasha and wanted to get my mind off of it.”

“That’s alright,” Maria says. She has a comforting yet confident way about her. You can see her being with Carol. “It’s kind of the age-old story. Everything was fine until it wasn’t.”

“I get that,” you say.

“We were best friends, and then we were more. On perhaps the shortest break from a relationship ever, I messed up and got with someone else. Enter Monica,” Maria explains. “I wouldn’t change the fact that I have her, but things with Carol were different after that.”

She continues, “She never faltered, not really. But she wasn’t really as happy. She always had these big dreams. She had a lot of ‘I’m going to save the world’ attitude about her. And she couldn’t save the world if she was stuck in Louisiana with me and Monica.”

“Was it that you two weren’t enough for her?” You ask. “I don’t see myself as enough for Natasha, but I would still risk it all to be with her.”

“No, I think Monica and I were enough. I convinced her to move on though,” Maria says.

“Why?”

“Well, sometimes in life, y/n, you make sacrifices for the people you love.”

Your conversation is interrupted by a doctor coming in to look at your wrist. They explain it’s just a sprain, but they put you in a brace for comfort. Maria promises to wake you up if there’s any updates, so you let yourself close your eyes.

It’s a few hours later when she wakes you. You stand at the sight of a doctor in front of you. You don’t hear anything, but that Nat is okay, and you can come see her.

You follow the doctor down the hallway to her room. When the door opens, you notice how small Natasha looks. To your surprise, she is awake.

“How are we feeling, Ms. Romanoff?” The nurse that followed you in asks her.

“Better now,” Nat says, smiling at you the best she can.

“The pain medicine kicked in,” the nurse tells you. “You can visit for a few minutes but she’ll need to sleep soon.”

You nod. Then you’re left alone with Natasha.

“You’re hurt,” Nat says with a frown.

“Just barely,” you say. You make your way to her bedside. “You saved me.”

“I’d do it again.”

“The doctor said you should make a full recovery,” you tell her.

“And Carol?” Nat asks.

“I’m not sure, but I did meet her family,” you say. “Or I guess what used to be her family.”

“Maria?” She asks. You nod. “That’s good. They’re good for each other.”

“Are we good for each other?” You accidentally ask out loud. “Sorry. I was just hoping to talk to you before everything happened. I really want this. I really want you.”

Nat tries to process your words through the pain and medicine. It’s a lot right now.

“You don’t need to say anything right now, Natasha. Just get some rest. I’ll be here,” you say.

“Thank you for being here,” Nat says. “Do you think- um could you get in here with me?”

“In the bed? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You could never hurt me, y/n,” Natasha says. “Please.”

You oblige and settle against Nat’s good side. She didn’t say it, but you can tell by the way she rests against you that she wants this too.

[gayvampyr]

sincerely if you see a nurse/healthcare professional making tiktoks (and/or otherwise revealing personal details) about a patient please do not hesitate to report a HIPAA violation or whatever the respective health-information privacy policy is in your region. people who do this do not take their job or oath seriously and do not belong in healthcare

[vixstarria]

'Erotic misadventures'

Hello, I wrote this for an April Fools challenge, and now it is your problem.

Challenge terms: The challenge is simple - write something spicy that uses the worst possible terms for body parts, sex acts, and so on!

AO3 link

So I've always had this headcanon that Tav and Astarion perform readings of really bad erotica for the group at camp. This is a depiction of one such evening.

All origin characters.

18+, humor, banter. Is this actually smut? I don't know. I hope not.

Content warnings: ...Yes.

Approx. 1,800 words

It was, without a shadow of a doubt, the best piece of fiction they’d ever come across.

Meticulously handwritten in a tidy script, the text filled a sizeable journal. “Her Highness’s Erotic Misadventures” read the title. “Thank you for beta reading, Harpy Quinn”, it said at the bottom of the title page, whatever that meant. 

Despite both of them having a professional interest in lewd literature, neither Astarion nor Tav had ever come across this piece before - they doubted it had ever been published. They doubted it could ever be published, for that matter. However, it must have gone through many hands privately - on flipping through the journal it was discovered that the end contained a multitude of little gushing reviews in other people’s writing.

The author must have been one strange individual, with even weirder friends. How embarrassing.

The gang had called it a day and were gathered around the campfire. Astarion and Tav had been taking turns reading from the manuscript, to their companions’ amusement (and, in Gale’s case, vexation).

Despite being seasoned experts in the genre, Wyll and Shadowheart were visibly perturbed (albeit also intrigued) by the piece. Karlach hung on to every word, and even Lae’zel had stopped tending to her weapons to listen to the strange tale spun by the anonymous author. Volo, whose unwarranted presence continued to be tolerated, although no one could quite pinpoint why, was silent, furiously scribbling notes in his own journal. And as for Gale, well…

“This is deplorable,” said Gale, weary disappointment and disdain in his voice. “The only reason I am still here is because none of you can be trusted with the pot.”

 Astarion ignored him and continued to pace around the fire, reading aloud from the journal.

As the title suggested, the story depicted a series of obscene misfortunes which had befallen a hapless princess and her loyal knight. After several chapters of delving into the princess’s tragic and salacious backstory in (frankly bewildering) detail, the narrative had at last moved forward to a scene in which the princess’s knight came to her rescue after she had been kidnapped and taken away to a cave by a dragon. The knight faced the said dragon (who had then taken a dragonborn form for some reason) and its two harpy henchwomen.

“‘Its weak spot is its bussy’, the princess cried out from the cave,” read Astarion. “What in the hells is a ‘bussy’..?” he asked, lifting his head to seek counsel from his companions. 

Everyone around the fire just shook their heads, equally perplexed. 

“Hmm… Well, it seems our hero doesn’t know that word either...” Astarion continued reading.

“‘Puzzled, the paladin took a shot in the dark, cramming her manhood-’ Wait, what? I could have sworn...” Astarion shuffled through the pages. “…Oh she’s got both sets. How convenient… Anyway. …‘Cramming her manhood into the dragonborn’s meatgrinder’.” Astarion frowned again, sitting down next to Karlach.  

“Is the ‘meatgrinder’ the dragonborn’s mouth, or..?” asked Shadowheart.  

“I… think so? There’s not many contextual clues here, it just says that the ‘meatgrinder swirled around her pork sword, stunning her and nearly making her forsake her oath of propriety’.” 

“Well keep going, we’ll figure it out,” Karlach said, impatiently.

“The two harpies swarmed the stunned paladin. A hand deftly shed the paladin’s breastplate, exposing her pearls, whilst another grabbed her by the neck, clawed fingers shredding the remnants of her clothing, as two hands groped and teased her milkbags. She felt a hand creep up the back of her thigh while another hand pulled on her hair, as another crept to her moistening oyster-” Astarion stopped, with an exasperated sigh. “How many hands do these bloody things have?! I’m losing focus.” 

“And the mention of pearls…” Wyll said, thoughtfully. “It’s peculiar, you would think a pearl would be inside the… never mind”.  

 “Shadowheart, could you and Tav assist us with a visual, perchance,” asked Astarion. “I can’t be the only one who can’t keep track.”

“Perhaps I could also be of assis-” started Wyll.  

“Perhaps you could sit right back down,” Astarion warned with a glower. “I'll step in if needed. Where was I..? Ah yes, the err… the milkbags. So there’s definitely two hands there.”  

Both Tav and Shadowheart giggled as Shadowheart stood to join Tav by the fire and reached around Tav to lightly place her hands over the other woman’s breasts.

“Nice,” said Karlach. 

“The harpy pinched her pearls, and pulled her into a deep, ravishing kiss,” Astarion read, looking up expectantly at Tav and Shadowheart.

“Uh… That is not in the book, soldier,” said Karlach, reading over Astarion’s shoulder.  

“Spoilsport,” muttered Astarion. “I was just trying to set the mood before moving forward - the author’s pace is almost too relentless even for me. But fine.” 

Astarion cleared his throat and continued. 

“Then one of the harpies used her hands to pry open the paladin’s clam.” He looked up again. “Well come on, Shadowheart, pry open Tav’s clam.” 

Shadowheart simply laughed and returned to her spot across the fire. 

“If you’re not sure how - we could show you later tonight, if you like,” Astarion called out after her. 

“I’m sure I could give you some pointers on dealing with clams, Astarion,” retorted Shadowheart. 

“Is that so..?” he purred. “Interesting… What about you, Karlach, are you adept with clams?” 

“You know I haven’t had any clams in a decade, fangs!” Karlach groaned. “But before that… They used to just fling themselves at me, already opened, yeah.” 

“Fascinating. Lae’zel?” 

“There are a number of women who have survived bedding me,” the githyanki responded, deadpan. 

“I am… in equal parts concerned and aroused at the thought,” Astarion mulled over her words. 

“I wish anyone could survive bedding me,” grumbled Karlach. 

“There there, darling…” Astarion reached out to carefully pat her on a horn. “Now we all know Gale doesn’t know the first thing about clams…” 

“I’ll have you know, in my ethereal relations with my goddess, our connection was so profound that not only have I experienced her ‘clam’, I have interconnected with it on such a sublime and intimate level, been woven so deeply into it to myself have become part of the clam.” 

Gale’s outburst failed to have the effect he had desired, as the group struggled to contain themselves, wheezing and huffing for air. 

“Thank you, Gale, I don’t believe I’ll be able to get that image out of my mind anytime soon,” Astarion continued, trying to maintain his composure. “Wyll..? How fare you with prying clams open?” 

“Well…” The warlock began, with a smile. “I find, that the best way to go about it is to allow the clam to open of its own accord, from heat. From it getting sufficiently… steamy, if I may. I would never simply invade one with my blade.” 

Astarion was about to say something but just chortled instead. 

“Wyll, you rapscallion, every time I think I have you figured out-” 

“What happens next with the harpies?” Came an impatient call from Lae’zel. 

“Yes, give me that, you’re taking too long,” said Tav, snatching the journal back from Astarion. She continued to pace around the fire as she recited: 

“The dragonborn stood before the browbeaten paladin, reveling in her anguish. Even had the harpies not had a firm grasp on the paladin and her unmentionables, she would not have known how to approach the dragonborn – the loathsome creature was covered in impenetrable scales. Its mouth sported rows upon rows of sharp teeth – the only reason it allowed the paladin’s mutton machete out unscathed must have been because it had worse yet torments in mind for it.

The creature turned its back on the paladin, to roar tauntingly at the princess somewhere in the cave. 

‘Behold, as I turn your valiant saviour into naught but a pathetic cumdumpster!’

As it turned its back, the paladin glimpsed a narrow, pink orifice beneath its tail.” 

Karlach and Wyll gasped in unison.  

“The bussy!” Lae’zel hissed in a hushed whisper. 

“The paladin drew on the last of her divine power to throw the harpies off, smiting them unconscious, and plunged her hand into the dragonborn’s puckered hole.” 

“I am going to be sick,” moaned Gale. 

“The dragonborn cackled and flexed their beef ring, tightening its grasp on the paladin’s hand. The paladin reeled in horror, as the dragonborn’s poop chute seemed to suck the paladin’s hand further in, like fleshy quicksand, whilst threatening to snap her wrist.”

A tear of anguish slid down Gale’s cheek.

“It cannot be! Was the bussy a trap?!” came an outcry from Lae’zel.

“No! It could not end this way. Her entire life and all her training had been preparing her for this,” Tav read. “What in the hells, really?” she muttered, before continuing. “In that moment, she knew that the only way out - was through. The paladin took a deep breath and PLUNGED her arm deeper into the dragonborn’s vile cavity,” Tav exclaimed, throwing her own fist in the the air, to the sound of Astarion’s uncontrollable giggling and everyone else’s gasps.

“The dragonborn yelped and tried to expel the paladin’s arm from their pulsating dirtbox, to no avail. The paladin was now elbow deep in the mud dungeon. The two continued to wrestle, the paladin’s arm pumping deeper and deeper into the dragonborn’s dank portal.”

“I fear I may need to tap out soon,” warned Wyll.

“Weakling!” Lae’zel and Shadowheart said in unison, before glaring at one another.

No one, including Karlach herself, could tell whether she was laughing or crying.

“At last, the dragonborn seemed to accept its fate, quivering and taking the paladin’s arm nearly shoulder-deep. The creature grunted and groaned, before stilling, only to unleash an earth-shaking roar, finally forcefully expunging the paladin’s arm in a spray of gooey, milky spunk, as it collapsed on the ground, convulsing, clearly too incapacitated to be of any further threat.”

“Supper is ready,” wept Gale. 

“Shall I take over while you eat?” Astarion asked, to Gale’s immediate renewed protestation.

“That’s alright, I think we should take some mercy on Gale and pause here for the day,” said Tav. “Although let me peek ahead, perhaps it’s tame enough.” She took the journal and flipped forward a few pages. “Oh my…” came a surprised murmur from Tav. “You’ll never guess what happens to the princess and her knight… This may be a problem if we want to continue to visualise this masterpiece properly.” 

“Oh? Dare I ask..?” Astarion was giddy with anticipation. 

“Well… There are now… Five… Six… No, seven! Seven dwarves, who have appeared in the cave.” 

“Goodness gracious,” lamented Astarion. “We will never keep track of all the body parts… Perhaps if Withers steps in to help..? Would you prefer to be the princess or the knight, darling? You can choose, I’ll take the other role.” 

“I am going to use that journal for kindling tomorrow,” said Gale. 

“NO!” came a collective shout from the rest of the group. 

~~~~~

Sorry about the psychic damage, come check out my other work if you dare.

~~~~~

Tagging the usual plus some people who I think might also be doing / were interested in this:

@littleenglishfangirl @something-pithy @darlingxdragon @tallymonster @tragedybunny @spunky-89 @acourtofpenandpaper @yoonshope @lariatbunny @whiskeyskin @spacebarbarianweird @brabblesblog @littlejuicebox @icybluepenguin @snowfolly @pursuitseternal @comatosebunny09 @kittenintheden @bardic-inspo @tavyliasin

[authorred]

Doctor's Orders | Part 1 | Li Shen/Zayne x fem!Reader | Love and Deepspace |

Preface: As someone who chronically ignores her cardiologist's orders, what happens when that backfires on you worse than normal? Recovering from a life-threatening run-in with a wanderer, it's up to your doctor to put you back together.

This is entirely self-indulgent bc I love this man and this game is so pretty for no reason????? Download that shit (not sponsored, they're just my husbands fr)

Part 2

Warning(s): Mentions of bodily injuries, blood, near-death experience, SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 5!

You didn’t mean to stumble into another fight—it literally came to you. The aether core in your heart has begun to act up, resulting in you short of breath and lightheaded upon any sort of physical exertion. Your heart rate would increase dramatically in compensation which in turn made your evol act up—it was a shit show. Because of that Doctor Zayne firmly instructed you to rest until the core in your heart settled so tests could be run to determine the stability.

You wish you could’ve followed his orders—and you were, very well—but a wyrmlord’s protofield suddenly appeared around your apartment, trapping everyone and you inside of it. Xavier was gone, and you were the only Hunter stronger enough to fight it; you did everything in your power to ensure no one would get hurt. The Wanderer was strong, and you knew if you went full out your evol could get out of control—not to mention the core in your heart would act up, and you'd go into cardiac arrest.

You look around yourself to the frightened people huddling together as a feeble way to protect themselves from the monstrous metaflux monster. If you weren’t here they’d all be dead within seconds. You made an oath, and you will honor it until all life leaves your body.

Drawing your sword, you slide your hand down the smooth, sharp blade. Tendrils of black coil out and wrap and wind in the air. I’m sorry, Zayne. Please don’t kill me for this. The wyrmlord flies at you and you encase yourself in a layer of darkness, of which it absorbs the impact. You spin the sword between your arms for momentum before stabbing it through the shield, and the darkness follows. It pierces into the wanderer, leaving it to cry out in pain. It's not a difficult fight—this is rather easy for you—well, it would be if your heart wasn't an issue. You're not fighting at 100% capacity. Right now, you're at 67%.

The wyrmlord lets out a shriek before sending spikes of stone and ice to come up from under you. You're forced to move, dashing to the side quickly. One of the spikes nicked you on the outside of your knee, sending it buckling. You trip to your hands and knees but force yourself to keep moving out of the range of the wanderer. With your back essentially turned to it, it takes that opportunity to break from your shadows to lunge at you.

~ There is no such thing as a break at Akso Hospital--not for Zayne, that is. The head of Cardiology, chief cardiac surgeon, and one of the most gifted doctors of his generation has little time to relax, other than what time is granted to him. Though, he seems to enjoy the business of his life. It's not often he complains about his packed schedule and lack of vacation time. He stays professional at all times, never letting his personal feelings mix with his professional ones. He treats all his patients with patience and respect but very rarely is he emotionally involved. The last person he felt personally involved in was your grandmother.

However, he wasn't sure if he could keep his personal feelings out of this particular situation. He heard the paging of a patient being wheeled into the ED but he wasn't the one paged. Walking down one of the many corridors connecting to the ED he caught a glimpse of the person being hauled to the OR and he does a double take. His feet stay rooted to the floor but his eyes stare at the parade of nurses and techs following the gurney. Is that. . .

There is no way for him to confirm it yet--he wasn't the one called for the case. Not able to stick in one place for a long time he forces himself to look away and finish walking to his destination, body feeling light and dizzy. Something inside of him told him to call you—something wasn't right, and he needed to be sure one way or another. When he got to a relatively quiet area, he took out his phone and navigated to your contact under his favorites. The line rang for an agonizingly long time until it finally went to voice mail, of which your voice delicately greeted him with a, 'Sup bitch, I'm either busy or dead. Say what you want now or say it to my gravestone, it depends'. Zayne slowly lowered the phone from his ear—you're supposed to be resting, there's no reason as to why you shouldn't be answering your phone. You always answer him when he calls or texts.

The pit in his stomach sinks deeper into his gut and doubt gnaws at him. Could the person that was just wheeled in for emergency surgery really be you? He'll have to wait until the OR is finished or wait until he's paged. He wishes to the gods it's not you, and if it is, he wishes you'll pull through whatever is wrong.

[robfinancialtip]

🏋️‍♂️🍽️Joseph Julian Soria shares his basic approach to training, which dates back to his active youth and a brief period of being overweight. He focuses on his former eating and exercise discipline and his present efforts to maintain it. He hilariously recounts how rapidly things can spiral out of control when discipline is lost, resulting in unforeseen effects such as eating oneself into a "food coma."

🏅🎬His transition from athlete to actor is examined, exposing how a college theater class influenced his career path. He discusses his competitive mentality and dealing with professional lows, highlighting the value of self-belief and self-awareness. JJ embraces discomfort, learning from past experiences, and her eagerness for future prospects. He encourages listeners to embrace their brilliance and not limit themselves from reaching their full potential.

💪👫His girlfriend's observation of possible body dysmorphia. Despite not being physically where he wants to be, he emphasizes the significance of attaining inner serenity. JJ addresses his addiction to difficulties, which extends beyond fitness and into other facets of his life, including relationships and performing. He recounts personal experiences about battling difficult circumstances and getting inspiration from motivational speakers such as Eric Thomas.

���🌟JJ Soria has received praise for his explosive performances, most notably as Private First Class Hector Cruz in the hit Lifetime series Army Wives and Pete Ramos in The Oath. His depiction of the major antagonist, MC Wyatt, in the Sundance Film Festival-premiered film Filly Brown, which stars Gina Rodriguez, demonstrated his range and talent. Soria's performances in films as disparate as All She Can (2011), High School (2010), and Fast to Furious (2009) have constantly been compelling. Notably, his major role in the independent film Mission Park (later renamed Line of Duty) cemented his place in the business. To learn more about JJ Soria's outstanding body of work, see his IMDB page or follow him on Instagram. He currently captivates fans as Erik Morales in the smash Netflix original series Gentefied.

🌱🌟Throughout with resilience, self-awareness, and self-improvement, JJ emerges from his experiences, both inspiring and a reminder of the necessity of facing adversity and believing in oneself. The discussion focuses on the fleeting nature of life and the importance of grabbing opportunities to grow and succeed. He provides insight into his attitude and path, with motivating undertones that encourage listeners to follow their goals with tenacity and self-confidence.

[sena-shi]

Protector of Teyvat (a troll hell-bent on reviving everyone just for fun) P—1

Isekai’d reader who is hell-bent on reviving everyone using your cheat code as the protector of Teyvat. With great power comes great benefits! Teyvat population stonks

Note: asmoday is the unknown god, reader also grants gnosis and visions, isekai, slight sagau, op reader

Summary: You are just a regular human being living your best life on Earth, collecting husbandos and waifus in Genshin Impact when all of a sudden you were isekai'd to Teyvat, but not as a traveler, a creator, or an NPC. You were a very close friend of both Celestia and the Unknown God, who is known as the Sustainer of Heavenly Principles. You too, hold a very important position of the highest order because unbeknownst to the general populace, you are the Protector of Teyvat from the outside forces. And so imagine the Archon's faces when their dead friend suddenly came back to life just so they can accompany you together with Aether and Paimon on a journey to spit on the Celestia's face

Timeline in Teyvat when you got transmigrated: Before any wars happened. Zhongli is probably sucking on a dragon pacifier or something if that even exists.

Warning: curse words, slight ooc, lore flying over the ocean and going for a swim, author removed the lore from the irminsul so act like you know nothing of it, i'm putting the lore in the cheese grater

Teyvat is at last protected from the hostile forces of the outside world; however, you cannot be certain that Teyvat is safe from the inside due to the fact that those petty Gods have a tendency for wreaking even more havoc. Who the hell told them to compete with each other by trying to kill one another just so they could get a position?

Ah, yes. There's no way out of this one except to blame Celestia! The people you consider to be your closest friends are actually the embodiment of headaches.

However, despite the fact that it is your job to prevent travelers from entering Teyvat so as not to upset the balance of fate, one of your other best friends has in fact literally trapped the twin travelers inside Teyvat!

Just what the hell is Asmoday thinking!

And now, one of the twins is dead set on eradicating your other best friend, who is a professional for wreaking havoc within the world that the three of you have taken an oath to defend.

You would have annihilated the world a long time ago if it weren't for the fact that you made a pledge to safeguard it so that you could continue to observe your characters.

It's unfortunate that you only get to see Venti once in his adorable little form before the two headaches call you to join them in observing the people like the creepy stalkers they are. It would have been better if you can see more of Venti in that little elemental spirit form of his.

But hey, at least you made it possible for Venti to grab a position as a form of repayment for the times you would drop an apple right above his head.

If only the gods knew that developing a close relationship with you would also result in them gaining a gnosis, it would make everything so much easier for them.

No war, no killing, but they would probably need to act cute right in front of you to get one.

Though, you’ll be going against the Celestia if you did that. But what are they going to do? Hit you with an Anemo vision?

“...you can't just go ahead and do that.” The Celestia grunted and slapped themselves in the face.

“But I just did.” A lazy smile crept across your face while your chin relaxed on the palms of your hands as you watched the newly formed seven rule over their respective nations.

If you hadn't been smiling in such a devious way, the two individuals would have complimented your beauty on the spot.

“Oh my god—” Celestia bemoaned.

“You’re a god…”

“So, to put it simply, the battle hasn't even begun yet, but somebody has already won a seat. You called him a little floatie, didn't you? What sparked your interest in them in the first place?” Asmoday or the Unknown God, spoke to you as she continued to look at you with a curious expression on her face and a raised brow.

“Haha— you should've seen how Vent— little floatie bit into an apple that was way bigger than him. Quite adorable if you’d ask me.”

“…you granted him a seat just because you found them cute?”

“Oh my god—” Celestia lamented once again, “So it wasn’t a fair fight for the seat?”

“Never was.”

“Oh my g—” You couldn't help but chuckle darkly as you stuffed an apple in her mouth in an effort to silence her.

You jotted down a long list of things that need to be done, and you intend to get to them after you've finished taking care of everything else.

Resurrecting the pitiful gods that perished as a result of the archon war; perhaps rebuilding Khaenri'ah as a means of spitting in Celestia's face; perhaps as an act of retaliation for giving you more work all the time; or perhaps guiding the traveler yourself.

The sooner they reach their final destination, the sooner they will leave this world.

Once they leave the world, you are going to take a break and drink one of Asmoday's best wines until you drop dead.

But there's no doubt that those two will irritate you to death faster than you can get drunk.

You devoted your entire life to protecting the world from those pesky travelers who never stopped making a nuisance of themselves within Teyvat.

Because there are so many of them, you can actually see Asmoday rolling her eyes and simply wrapping people in her cube-thingy before sending them off to some unknown location in the vast universe.

And standing before you right now is the traveler that Asmoday entrapped in this world.

You only blinked in amazement when Aether pulled a flying fairy out of the waters in a literal way.

“Ugh…” The winged fairy in flight coughed several times before rising back into the air and floating once more with a slight swaying motion, as if she were feeling dizzy. “Paimon was terrified that she was going to pass away...”

"Well, if you're feeling like you're going to die, why don't you come over here? I'll make you feel better."

While you were laying on your side on top of the flat stone, you spoke with a joyful tone in your voice.

Aether turned around and looked up at you as he saw a hint of a smile on your face while you were looking down at him. Even though you were only dressed in plain white clothing and had flowers the color of the sky adorning your hair, he couldn't help but be taken aback by your otherworldly beauty. He found himself blinking multiple times.

Paimon, who was still not acting like her normal self, floated towards you without consciously trying to do so.

"Quite an obedient one, I see." You laughed as you poked the flying fairy in the forehead, and something glowing within her.  Paimon's eyes widened in an expression that suggested she was startled, and she began looking around in a frantic manner.

“Oh— oh, you saved Paimon!”

You gave a slow shake of your head while pointing at Aether, who was still standing there, and said, "It was he who saved you."

“Oh! Thank you very much, you are my savior!" Paimon flew towards Aether and smiled at him with a broad grin, to which Aether responded with a friendly one of his own.

Aether scratched the back of his neck and said, "It's nothing," giving the impression that he was embarrassed to have been caught by the mysterious woman who has the presence of a Goddess. "The only reason I was able to save you was because of sheer good fortune."

"Well then, why don't we all go around and say a few words about ourselves?" You spoke as you sat up from the stone and descended down to their level.

The two people looked at you with their mouths hanging open as they watched you walked in the air.

“Hey! You are also capable of floating!” Paimon exclaimed, her eyes glistening with happiness at the sheer joy she felt.

When Aether opened his mouth to speak, you quickly silenced him by placing your finger over his mouth and pressing down lightly.

"How about we start by introducing ourselves to one another, shall we?"

After both of them nodded, it was clear that they were ready to start introducing themselves.

“And just like that, the god took away my sister. Some kind of seal was cast upon me, and I lost my power. So, while we used to travel from world to world, we are now trapped here.”

In response, you hummed to express yourself. Naturally, you were already aware of this information; however, this is not only due to the fact that you are now the Protector of Teyvat and are familiar with the God who trapped the twins in this world; rather, this is also due to the fact that you were once a player in the game.

“So… you are not familiar with this world?”

Aether heaved a sigh and gave the disappointing response, “Unfortunately, no.”

"As a gesture of gratitude, Paimon promises to do everything in her power to be an excellent guide!"

“How about you, Y/N? Are you like Aether too?” Paimon cocked her head to the side and scanned your entire body from head to toe while keeping a close eye on you.

You let out a chuckle as she looked at you with an inquisitive expression while speaking in a very assured manner. “I know Teyvat very well that I can practically see it with my eyes closed.”

“Oh! Then you can rely on us to steer you in the right direction, Aether! We will definitely help find your sister!”

Aether's grin was sincere, and it seemed to him that a weight had been lifted off of his chest. "Thank you."

You replied, "It's not a problem at all," while twirling a strand of your hair and acting as if you were unaware of Aether's gaze on you.

"Then, why don't we begin by trying to get in touch with the seven?" You offered an idea.

Paimon started explaining about the archons and the nations that they would have to travel through before Aether even had a chance to ask what the seven is.

As Paimon went into extensive detail describing the location where the three of you will begin your journey, you softly hummed a lullaby, your voice gently caressing the ears of your two traveling companions like wind chimes.

"Mondstadt, hm? Stunning decision, if I do say so myself. Do you know that the archon is just around the next corner?" You made them both laugh by making a joke. Ha, if only they know you weren't kidding around.

"Where?" Paimon sputtered in shock. “Are you familiar with the archons? Do you know the archons?"

"Haha, well, of course it goes without saying that I do. After all, I did grant him that position." You smiled at them in a careless manner, and in return, they flashed a blank expression in your direction.

You never had any intention of concealing your true identity, and now it is up to them to decide whether or not they will believe you. A person who is able to grant a Gnosis is considered to be on par with the Celestia, or possibly even on a higher level than them. This fact alone makes it seem impossible that you are saying the truth.

Therefore, they may believe that it is impossible for someone like you to be wandering the lands of Teyvat instead of keeping an eye on them from a higher vantage point.

“Uhh… Paimon is unsure of whether Y/N is teasing us or whether they are actually being serious…”

Aether gave it some thought before finally agreeing with the statement.

"Enough with the small talk, let's make our way over to the statue."

The two remained silent as you led the way, and your lullabies are the only sound that they are able to hear presently. It was a very relaxing stroll to get to the statue, and the two of them couldn't have been more happier to be in your calming presence the whole way there.

You have finally arrived at your destination after what seemed like an endless amount of time spent walking there.

You made the decision to step back, but not too far away from them as you watched the blond hair traveler put his hand on the statue, and the power of anemo swirled around before touching him.

“Ooh! Did you just feel the elements of the world?”

“Seems like all you had to do was just touch the statue and you got the power of Anemo!”

“Quite handy, don’t you think? At least you won’t have to rely on visions.” You said as you sat down on the grass.

“Y/N is correct! As much as they may want it, people in this world can never get a hold of powers as easily as you...” Paimon explained as she crosses her arms.

Aether frowned slightly. “I think I know why, it's because...”

“Ah-ha, it's because you're not from this world to begin with.” Paimon replied nodding in agreement.

“Well, if you’re done, it’s time to go to the city.” You said before yawning boredly as you heard Paimon explaining things to Aether again. Spoken like a true floating compass indeed!

Aether paid close attention, making sure he understood all of the new information that he had just been given.

During the length of time that Paimon spent slowly explaining the details, you did not speak, and you did not interrupt her. You were only going along for the ride because you thought it would be fun, Paimon can be the guide for all you care.

The three of you had just made the decision to leave once more in order to travel to the city of Mondstadt when all of a sudden, a large dragon appeared in the skies above and began flying in the direction of the center of the forest.

“There’s something huge in the sky!" Paimon let out an exclamation as Aether, who was protecting his eyes from the brisk wind by covering them with his arm, hummed in response. 

"I'll take a look at it. Please, bring Aether to Mondstadt first, Paimon," You only gave them a quick look, but just seeing the concentration on your face was enough for them to agree and nod their heads.

You kept an eye on their rear ends as they moved further and further away from you, and it wasn't until you were no longer able to see them that you started to make your way towards the center of the forest, stopping to pick an apple from a tree along the way.

You approached the archon and the dragon stealthily, being careful not to make any noise with your steps and moving as quietly as possible. You used your flying abilities to get to the branch of the tree where Aether had been hiding during the cutscene, and then you sat there and watched the anemo archon take his sweet time trying to communicate with Dvalin.

"He's poisoned, it's pointless," You spoke but there were no sounds that came out of your mouth. The only thing that carried your message to the ears of the anemo archon was a light breeze.

Venti jerked his head in response to the recognizable voice that he heard in his head, which resulted in Dvalin being startled. The dragon let out a deafening roar, and the wind whipped around erratically in the areas surrounding it.

“Who’s there!?” While Dvalin was behaving erratically, Venti looked around. He would not continue to stay if he hadn't just heard a voice that sounded familiar just now; otherwise, he would have vanished at that very moment.

Dvalin let out one final roar before spreading his wings and making the decision to flee the area, leaving you and Venti behind in complete silence.

You heaved a sigh as you took another bite out of the apple that you had earlier plucked from the tree. Venti turned his head in the direction of the sound of the crunch to look in your position, and all you did in response to his keen observation was raise an eyebrow.

"Well, how are you doing today, Barbatos?" You said while giving him a friendly smile as you threw the apple with the bite taken out of it, which he caught with the right hand.

A puzzled expression appeared on Venti's face as he pondered how you are familiar with his name. You do not give the impression of being an enemy in any way, but you were not also an archon. Therefore, how are you able to know his name?

“Hum…” You hummed while resting your cheeks in your palm and tapping the side of your face lightly with your fingers, "When I first saw you, you were just a little elemental spirit. Quite adorable, if I may say so."

You found it very funny when Venti's face started to flush and he turned his head to the side to hide it; cute, you say?

“Do we know each other, my lady?”

“We haven’t really met formally but…” You stood up on the branch, smiling down at him with your bright expression. “Perhaps the wind will tell you of my identity, or is that even a thing? Haha!”

"I'll bring more apples next time, and maybe your bard friend and the other archons to accompany us!"

Venti gaped openly, "Bard friend? But he's..."

Your lively laughter was the last thing he had heard before you had vanished from your place, and now all that is left in his hand is an apple that has been munched on.

Venti stared at it for a moment before bringing the fruit up to his lips and biting it in the same spot on the apple that you had previously bit.

As Venti held the apple gently in his hands and licked his lips, he was aware that butterflies were fluttering around in the pit of his stomach.

He recalled how, back in those days, apples would all of a sudden appear in the sky and fall on top of his head. Due to the fact that he is only a small elemental spirit, he would fall to the ground along with the apple.

The fact that somebody is spending their time playing with him is another source of happiness for him, despite the fact that there were times when he would tumble right into the water.

He can't help but show a grin that tugs at his lips. It's possible that the two of you have been connected for an even longer period of time than the first friend he's made. Perhaps there was someone else there with him after all.

‘Sweet’ was the only word that came out of his mouth as he chewed slowly.

If you had stayed and watched the act, you would have been so horrified by it that you would have wanted to cringe. Hygiene is important!

Meanwhile on the other side, Amber screamed in surprise when you suddenly appeared in the sky and revived all of the hilichurls that they had just bombed. The most shocking of all is that the hilichurls suddenly turned into humans.

Somehow, you can feel that Lumine will chase you down soon.

honestly, because hoyo has a knack for killing npcs, I just want to go mad-rage and revive them like a madman. i kinda want to slap a fried egg on signora's ashes hehe. i also want makoto to come back to life and adopt my precious scara umu