#queer people have fucking fought for their right to make it their whole personality if they so wish. for so so so many years

[actualhumanyes]

OH NO

MY BROTHER IS DOING THE ”as long as they don’t make it their whole personality” THING

WHAT DO I DO

[certifiablyinsanez]

My boomer mother told me once, “we thought we would change the world too”. And she isn’t wrong. Boomers were forefront of the hippie counterculture, the anti-war front for the slaughter in Vietnam, were home to the Gay Liberation Front, Stonewall, the Civil Rights Era, and the entire second wave of feminism that fought for our right for abortion, contraception and the right to self determination. They were the people that perished in the AIDS Epidemic and the ones who took care of those afflicted. When you look at the historic track record, boomers would seem to be our natural allies rather than those we are in constant conflict with.

This is something Gen Z needs to keep in mind, not for the future, but right now. Gen Z is often convinced that we are the generation who is gonna save the world. But I can say with confidence that this is not the case. Not only would that sentiment disregard historical precedent, it also allows us to disregard the ugly truth of what we are rapidly becoming. Gen Z is reactionary as hell. You’ll tell someone “we should have love for our fellow people” and some fucking keyboard warrior will say something stupid like “eVEn pEdO’s???”.

I never thought I would complain about cancel culture, but here I am. Because people can’t seem to differentiate between holding people accountable for reprehensible behavior versus having a whole “guilty before proven innocent” mentality. We all grew up in an imperialist, colonial society. White supremacy has not left a single inch of the earth untouched. Every single person has done something wrong in their lives; it’s a feature of the times we live in. It’s a feature of being a human person period. I’ve seen people harass an artist who has been extremely vocal about Palestine and has used their platform for donations and attention and people were in arms about something distasteful he did in like 2002. Be so ffr guys.

I see European Gen Zers saying the most abhorrent things about Romani people. They still actively call them a slur, and when called out they always reply “that’s just what they are”. Some brag about how desensitized they are to gore or sexual content because they were so young when they were exposed. I still remember kids at lunch trying to convince me to watch an ISIS beheading video and couldn’t conceive why I refused to watch it. I’m gonna say it.

So many of yall are just as apathetic and narcissistic as boomers, if not more so. Because boomers pretend, but yall are brutally honest about it. Sure a whole bunch of us believe in liberation and see how shitty capitalism is, but a good chunk are also so extremely far right that even my boomer republican father would balk at the things they readily say. I actually have had conversations with my dad as his queer communist child and I think we had more agreements than these right-wingers in my own generation.

This trend is enormously widespread with Gen Alpha but Gen Z isn’t clear of it either. The inability to fortify their own mental understanding using concise, accurate, and vetted information. In the 14 years I’ve interacted in fandom spaces (where this happens all the time), I’ve never seen such a trend as now where a singular person will just pull something out of their ass and people all over the internet just readily agree. People believe photoshopped photos every day. We make fun of old people for believing everything on the internet, but we’re equally guilty.

Listen I can go on for ages, but let me make my point clear here. We are quickly becoming the very thing we all hated most, and I’m sick of the mass facade that we aren’t.

End of rant.

[lockedtombbrainworms]

Examples of tgirl swag in The Locked Tomb so far

Pyrrha Dve. Obviously has it now she's actually been hit by the necromantic transgenderification ray, but had it before despite actually being cis. It's why Augustine was so horny for her.

Ianthe Tridentarius. Sorry folks, but I'm right. You know what I'm talking about. Wet Rat Girls With Powerful Autism, Unite. Tried to cut her own arm off because it didn't work right and nobody else was helping her. That's just like DIY HRT, except more likely to stain the carpet. Wears filmy rainbow stuff.

Camilla Hect. Described as having a surprisingly deep voice. Loads of weapons. Autistic as fuck. Knows deep down why the Warden is the one "cis guy" who seems to get her, but isn't pushing on that because people have to figure things out in their own time. Doesn't dress especially girly but never gets misgendered because she's just Like That.

Coronabeth Tridentarius. As discussed in a previous post, is an example of the rarely-seen Lesbian Faggot, a group commonly known to possess tgirl swag. Clockycore aesthetic makes Ianthe cringe a tiny bit inside.

Anastasia. Goth scientist girl. Enough said.

Examples of tboy swag in The Locked Tomb so far:

Matthias Nonius. Actual trans icon. Short king. Fought Gideon the First in a battle I can only assume was charged with sexual tension the whole time (while Pyrrha watched from G1d's subconscious smoking a mind-cigarette). Had Ortus the Ninth acting unwise.

Samael Novenary. Just something about that name screams it. Also he fought with a chain. Goth tboy legend. Wore platform boots to make him taller than Anastasia because it gave both of them gender euphoria.

Naberius Tern. I know, he's a piece of shit, but he's a fancy piece of shit with a pompadour and flashy outfits who can embroider as well as he can swordfight. Comparatively rare example of a cis boy with tboy swag.

Teacher. This old motherfucker must've done something to get tasked with looking after a bunch of dysfunctional baby queers. His whole vibe is "I transitioned when your parents were knee high, there is no drama you young folks can get into that will shock me". Cassiopeia the First looked at possible bodies for the 100+ souls she was trying to find a single home for and went "no, we need the MOST tranpa dude imaginable".

Honourable mention: Palamedes Sextus. Pal is something even rarer than a cis boy with tboy swag. Our buddy Sex Pal is a closeted trans woman who trans dudes interpret as having tboy swag because there's something about them that says "this person is shaped like a friend".

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Queer and Community

A friend attended their first meeting for an online book club this evening and came back with a question for me. "What is your reaction to people using the term queer? And not straight people using it, or the word intended as a slur. But folks in the community using it as an identifier?" This was our conversation: me: Queer is the only term that is all-inclusive to everyone who isn't cishet. I'm frustrated and annoyed that our own community wants to say it's a slur and not use it and continue to reinforce further segregation. Not using queer is forcing people to choose tiny buckets to fit themselves in when that was never the intent of the queer community as a whole. We switched over to LG and the BT and then just kept adding letters after that which only makes it harder to be a single, united community. And at the very least, if people wanted to use an acronym, they could have at least used QUILTBAG, which is far easier to type and say, but it puts Gay men last and we certainly can't have that :/ her: Thank you. I appreciate that. That's the term I use for myself (because bi, pan, demi...I don't know they keep changing it on me) and I tend to use it for the community because I find it all inclusive, like you said. So my class was forming smaller discussion groups, and a large chunk of us are queer. So this person got the group created and just labeled it "queer". And a few people were super upset. So of course I've been worrying all day that I've been terribly offending others with my choice of words. And maybe I am, but i also feel like I'm allowed to use that word? I really appreciate your answer. me: So it's generally the VERY young amongst us who like to cry "queer is a slur!" because that's what's being pushed on them right now. The TERFs know what they're doing, and they're part of the red hats. They are sewing discord into the minds of the very young and malleable because those young have no concept of queer history. They look at the Legend of Korra and scoff at those of us who /freaked out at the representation/ because it wasn't good enough for them. It wasn't enough for them. Because they have grown up in a world where you WON'T be dishonorably discharged from the military for having a same-sex spouse. They have grown up in a world where you have shows like the new She-Ra or Schitt's Creek or literally fucking anything. And they don't understand the history. How hard we've fought for just what we have. And how quickly it can all be taken away (thanks SCOTUS). Whether they know it or not, those who want us to keep putting ourselves into littler and littler buckets are just trying to separate us so we are NOT a unified community. It is much, much easier to get smaller groups to attack each other than it is to fend off all of those groups united against them. her: It was really upsetting to me, honestly, how quickly it turned into that? Like I was so happy so many were like "let's make an intersecting queer group" because I suppose people weren't shouting that 20yrs ago. And then so fast there was in group "fighting" about, what I feel, was kind of trivial? me: I think it's an important conversation/discussion to have and I do genuinely worry about the future of our rights, and our LIVES, if we don't find more common ground to stand together again. But right now, it feels like everyone is so focused on their own individual portion that they forget we are all here TOGETHER. And only TOGETHER will we make all our lives better and more diverse and accepting. We can't keep pigeon-holing ourselves and allowing small-minded/small-hearted people to force more laws to take more of our lives away. So to those of you out there who are upset about using the word "queer", I'd like you to take some time to do some internal soul-searching. Who benefits from you gatekeeping and attacking other members of your own community? Because representation is important, absolutely, but so is standing together and knowing that EVERY TERM has been used as a slur against us.

[wigglebox]

some people are also saying that misha doesn’t even count as an ally anymore because he’s made jokes and because he’s “misled” the community. why are we just erasing all the good he’s done. why are we discrediting his work. i’m not saying some of the jokes and stuff aren’t uncool in retrospect, but i guarantee you he’s learning from this and probably will self-sterilize to some degree moving forward.

'misled the community' like ffs he never definitively, on the record, labeled himself. also, there are instances where jokes or comments clearly stem from something personal between him and the person he's making it with, sometimes, most of the times, with friends. and we don't know the whole story. ever. and we never will.

i also don't think his 'jokes' are bad in retrospect either. it's frustrating how we were fine with him so long as he remained unlabeled [he made queer comments, he's made straight comments in the past as well] because unlabeled meant we got to headcanon him into whatever sexuality we wanted him as.

i need people to really understand he was forced into labeling himself. yeah his comment of 'i'm all three' skirted too close to the sun but it was a second of time in a pool of the last 14 years of everything with him and he got punished for it -- and faced in that situation, straight became the statement.

but idk i think some people read 'straight' as 'i hate queer people' and anyone who calls themselves straight is public enemy #1.

he's always been validating us, making us feel safe to talk to him about this stuff, offering words of encouragement, learning from us, talking with us, encouraging us to make communities of our own and make new friends, help the world, participate in things and actively making a difference, fought for queer cas, acknowledged destiel in a way no one else could or did, was literally the only one able to talk about 1518 since it aired as much as he has, calls us inspirations for coming out and we tell him our stories, his ex-wife is queer, he's operated in queer spaces for fucking -- a lot longer probably than some of those criticising him have been alive tbh --

so i literally don't understand this.

i do not.

also it's a big ol' slap in the face to people you may know who privately consider themselves unlabeled or queer but publically have to be straight [not saying this happened with misha but it's a possibility still] and that now they can't make jokes or be in this community.

or people who identify as straight but aren't a 0 on that kinsey scale but just don't know where else to fall but they feel safe with the queer community.

there's 14 years of comments and jokes and maybe some have gone too far in the past, in the past, i don't know i can't remember everything he's said off the top of my head -- but the fact remains is misha is still himself. the only difference now is that he had to make a statement on the record or face more articles and more people picking into his life.

i feel like pushing him out of fandom and pushing him out of being himself and requiring him to be a bland, sterilized version of himself with us now is going to do litearlly no one any favors.

it's gatekeeping. it's horrifying. it's very sad, and it's unfair to a man who's already had some rough times his entire time while on SPN, especially now after, and especially after the events of this weekend. This happened TO HIM. and a man who has gone this long while being virtually unlabeled to us but was forced to make an on the record statement about it for the first time in 14 years -- and to punish him further?

like good god y'all maybe you weren't fans after all because that doesn't seem kind, welcoming, and safe at all. not only for him, but for others reading those comments and statements and going 'oh, right. i don't belong here. I'm not queer enough, nor am i publically out of the closet, or I'm still exploring, so i don't belong here.'

and that's the kind of environment i know misha wouldn't want to create for US so why would we want that for him

[circular-bircular]

how... how did saying "i'm not an individual, i'm a part of one singular whole" make you guys feel more individual? genuinely do not understand. parts language implies you're not you, you're just shards of a broken whole, that every system member is not a full person and that collectively they add up to one individual, the "singlet-you-were-meant-to-be" or whatever

I would love to talk more about this!!! It’s one of my favorite parts of how we function now tbh. Sorry for the rant ahead, I’ve wanted to talk about this for so long, and this is apparently the time.

Before we used parts language, we were of the idea that Rice was the “original alter.” We were taught that by the online communities we were in, and she was forced into that role. That meant, we all felt like figments of her imagination. Which. Sucked ass.

We fought hard to be seen as our own selves. We dressed differently, we dropped our voice when male alters were out to an excessive degree (to the point of damaging our voice often). Curtis struggled so much with trying not to smoke, because at least smoking would prove he was himself, because Rice has never wanted to smoke. Trying to make ourselves be people hurt us a lot.

Eventually, we finally moved away from the “core” idea, which was gross anyways. But even seeing ourselves as our own people, we never felt like we could be. I’m my own person - but I want top surgery. If I was really my own person, I would be able to get top surgery. But I’m not! I’m stuck here with these assholes like Sierra and Debbie, and they both want these tits. So I have to fight to be myself, and the fight was with them. I fucking hated every single day, because I was fighting with someone who couldn’t even hear me half the time, because I was the one fronting. How useless right?

And then, we learned about parts language. It sounded like bullshit, to be honest. “We’re all our own person, we don’t want to be parts of a whole.” But… that’s how DID works. It’s what made the most sense. DID works out that you (as a singular identity as a singular child) are traumatized to the point of putting the pieces of yourself into multiple identities. Those dissociative identities are part of that whole.

When we first started thinking of ourselves as parts, we saw it as that “broken-parts-of-one-whole-who-we-are-meant-to-be” thing too, and that pissed us off. But… we started looking at it through the lens of functional multiplicity instead. We are who we’re supposed to be right now - because we aren’t supposed to be anything except what we want to be.

Now? Now I’m a person who wants top surgery. But because I am part of one whole, I can recognize that collectively, we don’t want that. Collectively, I have Sierra, Debra, Rice, Sie, Octavian, Ve, Avery, and now a new split yesterday who all want to keep our chest. Even Curtis feels something about it. That’s 7.5 out of 13 who want to keep our chest (for the most part - Octavian and Rice sometimes don’t like it). I can recognize that, as a part of Circ (our name for the collective system), I want my chest off because we are collectively queer, but maybe we aren’t fully a trans man like I am. Does that mean I’m not a trans man suddenly? Fuck no!!! I still exist!

But now, my voice matters. Before, I was constantly fighting to be my own person. I didn’t WANT what the others wanted. And I was fighting them - now? Now I’m fighting with them. Now I can have a conversation about my desires, and they understand my pain. Before, Debra didn’t understand my desire to get rid of my chest, because she was trying to make the body hers. She was her own person and was trying to live like it. Now? Now she understands that, as part of this collective, I am part of her. Deep down, there was a part of her that wanted to be a man. That part was so, so strong, it split into me - the depressed closeted trauma holder who she used to see as pathetic, because all she could see was how much better she was.

If I’m her, and she’s me, and we’re part of this whole? How could we ever hate each other? (We’re dating now.)

By using parts language, I got listened to. I didn’t have to fight to be me. None of us did! And… that led to us being able to use our energy to actually exist. Rather than putting all of his energy into sexual jokes and dropping his voice, Curtis really found a love for voice acting. Does it matter that some of us share that interest? Not anymore! Makes perfect sense! Before, he would get so twisted up because “but if Wade likes this too, that means I’m not my own person.” Now he can recognize that, not only would multiple parts of a whole clearly like some of the same things, but. Different people can also like the same things!!! So - we are no longer having to fight to be our own people.

Aaa sorry I’m just gushing over parts language now. I gotta make dinner but:

TL;DR: We tried out core theory and it hurt us irrevocably. We tried “we’re all separate people” and had to fight, hard, to try and be individuals. It was only once we called ourselves parts of one whole that we could stop fighting each other, which gave us the chance to grow into our own interests, and say “fuck you” to doubts we had about being our own people.

[regardingjenmish]

Thank you for being a voice of reason in this whole cluster. As a bi person, would it have been awesome for Misha to be coming out? Hell yeah. But he wasn't (yet who knows what the future holds). He messed up, he apologized and meant it. It was (I believe) an honest mistake. We've all been there, said something that came out wrong or made a joke that didn't land right. We may never know why he said what he did but he knows he messed up and apologized. I've seen (and blocked) people who were acting like he ruined their lives and killed their family. And it just seemed... like overkill? I get being upset he said it, or that he seemed to be making a joke out of being bi (which I don't think was his intention). I get being sad we can't claim him as "one of us" but this one mistake doesn't invalidate all the good he's done and will continue to do. Nor does it invalidate anyone who is queer? I'm still bi even though he isn't? Him being straight doesn't make me less bi nor does him being straight ruin my life in anyway? (not that I speak for all queer people obvi) Thankfully, I haven't seen too many people overreacting (and blocked those who were), but I just wanted to thank you for being rational. I love the blog, keep up the good work!

Anon, you said literally everything that I've been thinking and feeling for the past two days. I am already sorry in advance for the long ass response this will get. (All of this is clearly my own opinion so if someone reading it disagrees, cool)

It would feel amazing if we could say that he's one of us but even if he is not that doesn't change a lot of things in my opinion.

He messed up and he will learn from it and he immediately took ownership of that fuck up. He didn't blame it on anyone else except himself. He clearly realized his mistake and you can tell he feels horrible over it just from how the apology is worded. This is a person who cares a lot about us and would never do something to hurt us on purpose. There are celebs out there who when they fucked up, their version of apology was 'my bad..but like eh shit happens' so in my book, his apology was good and enough (for me).

For all we know maybe he did retract once he realized this is getting too much attention from media and everyone else. Maybe he did think that a little 'im all three' comment would stay in the fandom. And yes maybe the reason why I am having a different reaction or opinion to this is due to the fact that as someone who is bi, I have never been able to (nor will I probably be able to) say that outside of tumblr. And unfortunately I've had moments where I said something that could've revealed a glimpse of my sexuality and Ii had to retract and turn it into a dumb joke. And it fucking sucks.

And I fully agree with you, I don't think he meant to make this a joke. I think it was just a shit ton of bad timing and bad luck. And the way some fans have been treating him is horrible. The fans who have decided that this somehow ruins their lives, need to take a step back and take a deep breath. Because like you said, it does look like overkill. I understand there are fans who are upset and I won't tell them not to be. But there is a side of fans who decided that this gives them the right to practically wish death on him. I hate to say it like this but it's not that deep. And I fully agree with you. None of this changes shit. We're still bi. People are still queer. We are still fucking amazing and loved (which we have always been). I think this kind of opens a look into that maybe we as people shouldn't measure our value by celebs that we relate to however, I'm not gonna go into that.

And this also does not erase the amazing things he has done for us. In the end of the day he's still Misha. The same dude who has fought for us and stood up for us. And has done so many other things for our community. Again I am so sorry for the long ass response but I didn't want to give you some shitty short answer because everything you said has been on my mind.

[lingerlikeastolenkiss]

the archer theory about taylor swift coming out.

well, i've seen some people talking about this song and i had to listen to it again, since it's one of my favorite songs on lover and it also has to do with the theories and the meaning this song has to me.

i don't want to apply this to anyone so feel free to SKIP and NOT READ if you don't agree that this is a LGBTQIA+ song.

pure my own interpretation but you don't have to come to me if you don't like, she has a lot of songs and some of them are free for interpretations and they have different meanings to different people.

the first line it's:

“combat, i'm ready for combat / i say i don't want that but what if i do?”

this line to me has the deepest meaning and it comes along with the one in you are in love “and you will understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars” and in ivy “this is the goddamn fight of my life and you started it” and both songs are before and after the archer which makes the archer in the middle.

the combat she's (maybe) referring to it's about coming out being (still) the american dream and the woman everyone looks up to when it comes to pop music, she says she don't want it but what if she does? what if she want to fight for it, fight for who she is and who she wants people to see that she really is? it's a combat because you can't come out if you're not ready to start a war against the world.

“cause cruelty wins in the movies / i've got a hundred thrown-out speeches i almost said to you”

cruelty here, to me, it's about how cruel it is to not have the story of your life in the big screen, like, we grow up seeing the bad stories about LGBTQIA+ couples and it's always about how they didn't end up together or how bad they are treated. the “speeches i almost said to you" looks like something she was ready to say to us, her fans, and she didn't had the chance or she wasn't really ready.

“easy they come, easy they go / i jump from the train, i ride off alone / i never grow up it's getting so old, help me hold on to you”

when i first saw the miss americana documentary, i highlighted that part where she is trying to convince her father and the rest of the team that it was a good idea/good move to speak up about the politics and the situation of the trump thing. and it was very hard for me to watch because it was clearly a bunch of old men that grew up and still have in mind their conservatory concepts that goes against what taylor wanted to tell her whole life, they were just trying to silence her and she decided to do it anyway because she is a grown woman and she never spoke up about those things before the reputation era.

the easy they come and easy they go line goes for the fans, they are always in and out and sometimes some of them never want to come back and stay because in the first bad thing that happens to her it pulls them away. she jumps from the train and ride off alone, the train maybe is about her life that never stops and she takes a break from it, the media, the relationships, the image she has in front of the whole world and she ride alone because there's no one in the world that could understand her more than herself. she never grow up when it comes to being more mature when it comes to some things and having the capacity to speak her truth, she's asking us to let her hold on to us when things go harder and when everyone else has left her.

“i've been the archer, i've been the prey / who could ever leave me darling, but who could stay?”

i fucking love this line so much because when you are a LGBTQIA+ kid growing up, you always has to fight against being the bad person and the good person, you grow up seeing in the news that you will die young and that there's people out there that will try to tell you that loving someone of the same sex is the wrong thing to do. being the archer and also the prey is like haunting yourself until you realize who you really are, you have that idea internalized in you, the homophobic jokes you grew up listening and you're also the target and it's like both sides of a coin. who could ever leave her for being a (bi, pan, lesbian) woman? who could ever stay if she's a (bi pan, lesbian) woman? it's like “who could stay in the darkest of the darkest times here with me because it looks like i am lost and i don't know where to go”

“dark side, i search for your dark side / but what if i'm alright, right, right, right here?”

the dark side is not the bad side like people point out, the dark side of someone is like when the moon is half shown and half hidden, and you can only see the part that's out for the light. here the dark side of taylor is the one she haven't showed to us, and to me this line is not about a potential lover but about herself. and this song feels like a mirror, so to me, she's talking to herself and trying to find her dark side in front of her own image. the sequence “alright, right” it's like the dark side saying “i am here and it's good”.

“and i cut off my nose just to spite my face / then i hate my reflection for years and years”

this fucking line is the deepest for me, because it's like, she cut a part of herself to looks like someone who she wasn't made to be, it reminds me of having to hide your true side in despite of being hurt or left aside. how many LGBTQIA+ kids and teenagers has to hide from their parents? we change our way to see the world, we lie to everyone about our love interestings, we hide in the closet and we don't face ourselves because this is not who we are and then we spent the rest of our life hating our reflection because we don't recognize this person but everybody loves this version we created, it's easy, it's very easy to love a straight person but it's the hardest thing to let a queer kid feel loved. it's very easy to not tell a straight person how to be but it's the hardest thing teach a queer kid how to love themselves.

“i wake in the night, i pace like a ghost / the room is on fire, invisible smoke / and all of my heroes die all alone / help me hold on to you”

she's s ghost to the people who live with her so she's not seen, everything is burning and there's an invisible smoke that's where she fades in, and all of her heroes, probably the queer ones that are dying everyday all alone and the ones who died were left alone in their final days. again she's asking if she can count on us to keep going if things go hard.

“i see right through me / they see right through me / can you see right through me?”

seeing through someone means that you see their true version, like if you're looking at their soul and they're so open that you can read anything. it's understanding someone and knowing someone inside and out. just like the lover mv where she's inside the fish tank, it's a metaphor for a thing that can be seen by everyone just like a mirror. and the delicate mv where she's not seen until she enters the bar and sees a person. she can see through herself and people are seeing through her but not in the way she wants to be seen and then she asks (for the fans?) if we can see right through her. could we fight the wars with her? be the shoulder for her to lean on? stay even when she's about to face the fight the biggest war of her life?

“all the king's horses, all the king's men / couldn't put me together again / cause all of my enemies started out friends”

king's horses and king's men also align with the chorus and the universe of being the prey in a world of men. also it can also be the world of a society that lives inside a bubble and cannot accept diversity. not even the men, (her father, team, men she dated?) could put her together again after all that she have been through, and it matches with the “i cut off my nose just to spite my face”. all of her enemies once were friends which implies that she can't trust anyone and as the song goes as (in my vision) a LGBTQIA+ letter to her fans, she's saying that there's no one that could handle this secret and she already tried to tell them but it ended wrong.

that's it. to me this song has a deep meaning and i couldn't put everything i wanted to in this post. also i just want taylor to know that there's a lot of sapphic connotations in her songs and i will always stay.

[androgynepositivity]

Rejoice! Salvation Is Free, Just Accept Jesus Into Your Life Today!

Wow, hello!

I'm going to make an example of you since you've so kindly wandered into my asks. I'm 99% sure that this is either a bot or some sort of copy/paste, but heck, you've given me a unique opportunity.

I've wanted to talk about my experiences with faith and religion (separate things) for a while now, but haven't really been able to think of a reason to bring it up. Of course I don't NEED a reason, but it's just one of those things that's not very fun to just drop on people unannounced. So, without further ado, please make sure you read this post slowly and carefully, as I don't intend to repeat myself.

I am an ex-xtian who has good faith in xtians regardless of my trauma. (xtian = abbreviation of christian)

This is to say, I myself do not have any good faith left untoward xtianity as a whole. I believe that the organized religion in itself is corrupt from the core, and has effectively lost sight of what truths it actually has within itself in favor of worldly pursuits and powers. What I have good faith in, however, is xtian people who actually practice what their holy texts preach. There are xtian people who do this, and as a former xtian, I know exactly what I'm looking for when it comes to this assessment.

So, if there are any xtians among my tumblr followers here, (especially queer ones), I'd like to kindly request your attention, because I am hoping that you will find this post refreshing in terms of non-xtians having reviews/critiques of the behavior of xtian things, as opposed to yet another queer post about how religious trauma has made them a hater of xtians and xtianity (which most of the time, if I may be frank, are valid).

If you are to follow the teachings of Yeshua of Nazareth, the "Christ", the "Messiah", you are to fully disregard the teachings of the old testament as little more than old lessons; perhaps looking to them as guides, but no more as religious law. As he has said, the old is done away with. "I am the new word/law." depending upon your translation of the verse, at least.

This is to say... there are many xtians that seem to ignore this in favor of using ancient text to support their shitty world views. As a person who has read the bible cover to cover twice, -and took notes-, I can tell you for certain that there are just... SO many verses I am tired of hearing upon the lips of bigoted xtians who want to use their religious practice as a sheepskin to cover their hateful ways in some sort of 'valid' excuse. But we've all dealt with that at one time or another as queer people.

No, the folks that are fine in my book are the ones that read the damn book for themselves, or absorb the information in some way that is not some prewritten adventure guide (bible study). This isn't to say that xtians who haven't or can't read the bible in its entirety aren't "real" xtians or something, but I mean to say that if you ever get the chance to, you really should, because it'll really help you fully understand what the faith aught to be about and what you, as a xitian, aught to focus on as a xtian. Not to mention... Lutherans literally fought for your right to be able to READ the damn thing, since catholics were absolutely fine with the arrangement of hoarding the knowledge to themselves so they could take advantage of the message and use that power to manipulate the masses, so fucking read it? (Lutherans of course are not based or perfect in any way, Martin Luther himself was hellishly racist and had all kinds of problematic takes, but you know what I mean).

So, little bot or random copy/paster, this is me telling you outright that no, I will not be accepting any saviors into my heart, yada yada. I had at one time done that whole song and dance, and I paid my nickle to the cause. I've read the book twice, I've studied, I know what I'm doing in terms of saying, "No, I don't believe this to be the one and only truth in the world." and so I am an ex-xtian, and will happily remain so.

And I had momentarily considered making this response into some sort of short, throw-away dunk on xtians with a meme or something, but I decided instead to make a long-form statement so I hopefully don't have to do it ever again. And if any of you have read this far down, thanks, first of all! I know this is a long one.

I have not yet read the book, but if there are any xtians among my followers, I want to recommend the book "Christians Against Christianity" by Obery M. Hendricks Jr. as a little side-study you can conduct. I think you'll find it refreshing to see that people within your own faith are just as disenfranchised with it as you may be at times, but that there is of course, hope. "Hope," I say, for xtians who actually practice the faith instead of using it as a thinly veiled excuse to be bigoted fuckwads to others.

So, finally, this is my overall message I wish to convey:

I am not xtian, and will never again be xtian. If I identify as anything, I am an omnist (not omnitheist, it's different); I believe that there are truths and wisdoms that can be found among all faiths, and so I aim to instead study all faiths as a way to better understand my fellow humans, humanity, and my own understanding of the world as a whole. I wish good fate upon anyone who practices something in its entirety, but I also deeply encourage others to study other faiths if ever you find yourself not understanding something. Ask questions. Look deeper. For example, there are just so many people who have thoughts and opinions on Judaism and Islam without having even once looked into what these faiths are about at their cores, so... you know, go and read about them? Learn? Be a good neighbor, damn you.

If folks have more specific questions they want to ask me, feel free! But I will not be making any more posts in regards to folks trying to evangelize me via motherfucking tumblr anon. Lmfao

-Admin (Cake/Arthur)

[incarnateirony]

Someone dropped this in my submission box instead of ask box, “So I’m trying to genuinely understand what you’re saying is you understand corporate execs at the CW had a hand in the ending of supernatural? I’m not judging not attacking I swear I’m just trying to make sense of it because I had no idea about any of this up till now because I had stayed out of online fandom because well for years it felt big but anyways am I getting this right?”

---

The CW has a hand in everything. Here’s how this generally works.

The authors have ~relative~ freedom on a show. That is to say, the execs really don’t sit there splitting the nuances of the storytelling the fandom is receiving. They generally don’t even identify major markers that any of us would know (see: not even recognizing what the Roadhouse is.) -- we all knew the original ending had TFW at the Roadhouse as framed and spoiled by 15.04 among other details, and the whole “heaven/mental bar” theme from DSOTM, Nihilism, and Last Call all amplified this as an inevitability--but when you ask about “hey, is there a bar in heaven?” and get a “no?” that tells you they don’t even understand *ancient* plot beats like the Roadhouse, much less the ramifications of what it’s supposed to entail. Oh look at that, the roadhouse was just in fucking heaven like we said, but you identified it as a “cabin” because of filming locations and your basic notes.

Corporate has very basic compliance demands. They expect X, Y, and Z. What X Y and Z are across different shows vary depending on their markets. As long as the authors operate within X Y and Z, the corporate face essentially works off of synopsis of pitches and ideas.

This is also why I’ve talked about queer writing history and people being careful what they call queerbait: you don’t know what their X Y and Z are. The WB for example does not really CARE about representation. I’ve blogged about this often. We’re dollar signs. If they can package a new product to market it explicitly as LGBTQ fare, then they’ll turn you into a revenue machine by feeding you that particular fodder. When it comes to legacy shows--which is funny, because when the suit went off in my DM about this, they used the exact same phrasing as me--they’re going to play it safe, especially if they don’t truly understand the returns from the demographics they’re observing.

The space between X Y and Z is where the authors have liberty to push and, the longer and harder they push, the louder the content is allowed to get.

Here! I’ll even quote them directly, somewhat truncated because they ranted for fucking PARAGRAPHS.

“In reference to the media landscape, on a corporate level we do not distinguish fandoms. [...] That said, legacy shows such at Arrow, Supernatural, and even Flash are relics and we never really endeavored to reinvent the wheel on a corporate level, we are more focused on shows that are newer and still in our pipeline to premiere. [...] As for social media like all businesses and brands the engagement itself is key, but the content of the engagement is mostly irrelevant, though every show does have certain keywords that are often used in conjunction with harsher interactions blacklisted.”

The funny part is, they thought they were preaching to me like this was new information, but those of you that have been around my blog will PROBABLY RECOGNIZE this is almost VERBATIM exactly what I have told everybody over the years. Enough I half-suspect some trolls out there will think i wrote it myself and made it up and lob that accusation around. But there’s about 50 people that watched this conversation as it unfolded.

If you guys get mad? You’re still giving them PR. If you engage the content? You’re giving them PR. If you guys get bitchy ENOUGH? They completely blacklist a certain kind of engagement. I have literally been telling you all of this for years.

They don’t care who you are or what you want, just if you’re watching and what they at-best roughly estimate your demographic as desiring. So for example, Supernatural reading as a largely non-urban white demographic in its viewership, especially with a heavier lean in red states than most shows on the network, they presume to cater to what they perceive that demographic wants, rather than individualizing the understanding of the content, because they do not distinguish the shows or fandoms. “Oh, heavier republican white non-urban demographic” is where their understanding ends at, which is why they’re going to be utterly mystified why even my trump-voting republican neighbor from rural Alabama looked at the end result and went “what the fuck?” -- they weren’t expecting a big gay confession, but they were expecting a different sort of final tone.

Of course they’re never going to take that on for themselves and go “wow, we’re giant blazing dumbasses that understand nothing about the show!” -- they’ll, for example, claim they don’t leave network notes, when they’re still the ones passing material along about demographics and expectations etc etc. Their notes are *basic*. They do not leave *extensive* notes. Because extensive notes require extensive understanding of the content.

So for example: Berens spent since S9 slowly gaying up our show. Since they do not pay attention to the fine details of the story contents (lol no bar in heaven lolololol just a cabin lololol), he never got a note to *stop*. But it was not within the original structure plans and didn’t technically fit the demographic notes. The show continued to get aggressively gayed up, and Berens never really signed a note like “hey, I’m gaying it the fuck up” so even fandom reporters were going “THERE’S NO INTENT THERE!!!!!” -- berens operated in his very basic X, Y, Z landmarks to expand content within a story the suits literally do not pay the fuck attention to.

Corporate’s understanding is basic: dudes stabbing monsters and brothers against the world. Play in that box and keep these demographic notes in mind. You’re good.

They’ll NEVER mention blacklisting issues directly beyond what they admitted in the above quote but I DO remind you I have ranted ON AND ON AND ON how much Destiel fandom shot themselves in the goddamn foot with a fucking bazooka with the Chad Kennedy incident years ago. Others like Emily handled it intelligently to inform the *authors*. No, the network will never tell you if they blacklisted Destiel, but I informed you pretty heavily years ago that odds are, yeah, they probably fucking blacklisted Destiel.

Add in paying attention to the things Berens himself liked (if you don’t believe, scroll to Nov 5 on his tl)

Like, listen. berens knows exactly what he did and did the best he could do in the situations that were set up for him. And, frankly, I had been talking about this season as a writer room rebellion all year--just like corporate DID leave them a note in S11 that they couldn’t kill god. But if they couldn’t kill him or cage him, they would find another way. In 17 we said goodbye to Meredith and, in a way, to a MAJOR portion of Dean’s substantial story. In 18, we said goodbye to Bobo, and frankly all the parts that grew into queer Castiel that came with it. 19 and 20 became residual notes of hitting expected plot beats on the head on a rhythm, tying off godforces, and then just sliding into the Dabb subversion of them having learned to grieve, let go, and process emotions-- just the surrounding delivery left the feeling of more ~wanting~ on that front which is understandable.

But these are the kind of things people don’t even ~think~ about. This is WHY I’ve turned myself into a bulletshield protecting Berens’ work for YEARS while people yelled about queerbait not understanding the years of process he used in his unbabysat space to make something unable to dodge.

More posts he liked:

This isn’t a solo story. At the same SDCC he leaned over to my friend and grinned, whispering, “I hope you like what I did this year.” -- he knew. He knew and he fought his ass off but there was an end of the line.

That end of the line having an extra note or two to drop in the finale--never a big gay confirmation, just a “everyone’s there together, assume what you want” --is its own thing. As it is, Jensen even remarked how much of his dialogue got cut in final draft out of 18, and if the brazil dubbing footage leak tells me anything, they got the raw version before it was cut. And before they ADR’ed Dean’s sniffling collapsed against the wall. They had everything right, beyond the fact that there was supposed to be more dialogue from Dean along the lines of, “You can’t go”, or “you can’t leave” (difficult to determine what a ESL person seeing an english draft then yelling in portuguese then translated back to english meant, specifically, but something in that ballpark -- just like “don’t do this” came as “no it’s not” through the translation pipeline), and other similar minor bartering about this. And we’re not even gonna get into Dean’s hilariously loudly ADRed sniffling on the wall. Here, Jensen, breathe IMMEDIATELY into this microphone.

But they’re never going to tell you this. Of course they’re not. 

Summarily, corporate had half a year of having to re-manage scheduling everybody’s flights and planners during covid rewrites to stare directly into the huge gay abyss and fuck things up. 

It’s all about the unmonitored space vs the monitored space. Of COURSE they’re never going to fucking tell you these things. 

FRANKLY I am DYING to see the Portuguese dub of the show to see what the fuck they do with it, all things considered. I’m pretty sure the suit in my inbox that’s trying to vagueblog around things sideways now never accounted for the fact that there’s copies of the raw available in some parts of the world. I’m... pretty sure they thought they were my only leak source in fact. 

Either way--it’s not that corporate micromanages and passes constant notes. It’s that they gloss over vague summaries and plans, drop a few base expectations and performance boxes. It’s up to the authors how to kick up dust inside those boxes. 

[sityoursiredassdown]

Nobody asked for this rant and I rarely comment on the acotar fandom but it still amazes me that people don’t seem to get they very real running theme of people aren’t perfect that Sarah has put into just about every book she writes. It was a problem I saw in the ToG fandom as well but I’m paying attention to Acotar because a lot of familiar (and new) drama has stirred up with Acosf being out. 

Probably gonna ramble so if you’re as tired as I am hit the “read more.” Also, spoilers, obviously. 

Morality in Characters

Characters being named problematic or irredeemable for something or another is a long running issue in multiple fandoms across a variety of media. That’s its whole separate issue, but one thing that drew me to SJM’s books in the first place was how willing she is to let characters make mistakes. To let themselves believe they are in the right even if we, the readers, know they’re not. 

She lets them justify their anger, lust, panic, doubt, longing, the scope of human emotions. She lets them be right but she also lets them, most often, be incredibly wrong about an emotional situation they are in. She lets them hit rock fucking bottom. But most of all she lets them change their mind, lets them gain a new perspective or move on from something that had felt so important fifty chapters before. And it is an incredibly realistic journey of being human (I know they’re all fae but you get what I mean.)

Any book written by Sarah is going to feature characters that have flaws, some changeable some that are ingrained in them--no person alive is created without personality traits that can never quite shake, can only try to work on, or suffer the consequences from their mistakes. 

Rhysand and Nesta are big examples in the Acotar series. 

Rhysand can be manipulative and scheming, withholding information and thinking he knows what’s best because he’s the smartest person in the room. 

Nesta can be as cold as ice, petty, and downright cruel with her words alone, lashing out and biting like a rabig dog for trying to get close.  

People in different sides of the fandom will lash out at either for these respective traits, citing the mistakes and problematic behavior each character has exhibited in the various books as reason. And I, by no means, am saying that we need to condone the different things various characters have done. The mistake is believing that’s ALL they are. 

Rhysand is also incredibly loyal, generous, thoughtful, and caring to not only his family but to essentially anyone he comes across when not in High Lord Mode.

Nesta is also fiercely protective, brave, insightful, and capable of being incredibly selfless when she cares, when something truly matters. 

The good and bad traits exist in both characters, as they exist in all characters because that’s how people work. Their bad traits lead to mistakes that we can criticize for what they are without condemning the character on a whole, because that is not all they are. And whether there is fallout/forgiveness with other characters makes sense because these are all people intricately connected with their own thoughts and feelings and reactions to situations. 

Which brings me to: 

Nesta vs. Feyre

This, by far, continues to be one of the most aggravating parts of the fandom. Nesta is a naturally divisive character, one I’ve always loved. Because, as stated above, I can find issue with how she treats those around her but also understand that it comes from a place of trauma. The whole point of Acosf is for her to go on that journey and explore why she is the way she is and the journey she takes, it was never going to be solved in the trilogy or the novella. 

While I don’t think Feyre is perfect (that’s the point, none of them are) it does rankle me that parts of the fandom read the trilogy, went on that journey with her, and decided she had become some entitled snob that didn’t deserve to be in the books anymore because she got fed up with how Nesta was acting. The inner circle also was treated similarly. 

In Acosf, there are certainly scenes where Nesta isn’t trusted or respected by members of the inner circle, and at that point we can say they’re in the wrong because we were on Nesta’s journey with her. But trust, understanding, often takes time to rebuild/gain when its been broken and Nesta had certainly been burning bridges back in Frost and Starlight.  

Nesta and Feyre have both suffered trauma, and the thing about trauma is everyone handles it differently. A reason it took Nesta much longer to get help and go on that journey to self love is because she continuously fought against and pushed away the people that reached out to her. Feyre, while wary of Rhysand and the inner circle as they took her in, was more willing to open up. 

Nesta being criticized by other characters for her self-destructive behavior doesn’t mean they don’t care about her or are terrible people. She was never going to go on that journey of self-love and personal growth we all wanted her to have, without a push. The point in the storytelling is to fray those dynamics so they can be rebuilt stronger and from a healthier foundation because Nesta finally loves herself. 

Despite how different they are and the way they’ve clashed, Feyre and Nesta love each other. Because by the end of Acosf, they’ve truly seen and accepted each other as complex people, good and bad. Yet we as fandoms so often seem to think if there’s bad, there can be no good. 

Change

Circling back around to the overall morality of the characters, their mistakes and flaws, one thing SJM has always shown in her books is change. That people and what they want are constantly changing and evolving. 

Characters can be in love, look like they’re meant to be....until they’re not. 

A Character can have a goal, a reasoning, a desire so strong that it feels like they couldn’t want anything else...until they realize it’s not what they needed at all. 

SJM has always let this build across her stories, always goes through her characters emotions and reasonings for this change rather than telling us to accept it. 

The one time I think she erred in this was Morrigan’s sexuality and the sub sequential dismantling of the Morrigan/Azriel ship that had felt so certain in Acomaf. I will clarify. I have no issue with Mor being queer and only mean that the reveal was used as a plot device/twist. 

And of course, that shifted into quite a bit of debate about Lucien/Elain/Azriel, which has rebirthed with Acosf and the special Azriel chapter (I will say I have not read the chapter, didn’t get that copy, but lord I’ve seen the metas.)

Change is a big theme in SJM’s books, especially with ships. She is not afraid to jump around more than once, but most often, the endgame love story feels right. Of course not everyone may agree with this, but that’s always where I ended up after finishing her various books. And of course, everyone is free to ship what isn’t endgame to their heart’s content. 

My final point of this long winded rant is, these characters across these books are messy, complex individuals. Sometimes they have unhealthy behavior, say or do terrible things, and have thoughts that are going to lead to self-destruction. But that’s what makes them vibrant and real, because they can never be perfect. We can love these characters without it meaning we condone whatever it is they do. 

And if you’re this far into a SJM series and haven’t realized that these journeys and these people are never going to be simple and clean-cut for some idealized standard you have, then you may have picked up the wrong book.    

P.S. If you have read all this just so you can try to tell me whatever stan camp you’re in is the only correct one; you’re getting blocked. 

[soup-du-silence]

If you are comfortable with it, I'd love to hear your critiques of the finale, ESPECIALLY with how they handled Webby and Lena's final interactions with each other. I'm seeing you talk about it a bit on twitter, and I'm vigorously nodding my head to much of what you and others are criticizing the finale for. Obviously, if you'd rather just ignore this whole fiasco, I completely understand, and I look forward to the stories you continue to make about Webby and Lena!

god. okay.

ducktales spoilers below

SPECIFICALLY the weird webby and lena moments -- Lena calling team magic sisters and Webby snapping at Lena for her strong reaction to getting her string on the board cut -- mean absolutely nothing to me. i simply reject them. i dont know where they came from. Lena and Webby havent called each other sisters since their first episode together. It feels...unlike Webby to snub a Lena apology like that.  

And then they didnt really....interact again much, after that, right? unless im forgetting. there was a lot to be mad about.

and I guess, like. Here’s the thing. aside from some really powerful moments in season 2, the romantic subtext surrounding webby and lena was EXTREMELY dialed back. we had Lena’s hyper-powered jealous freak out in friendship hates magic and...what Ive always counted as an indirect kiss in nightmare on killmotor hill, but there were no more leslie-knopisms. Far less of Webby waxing poetic about lena’s virtues. Adding Violet meant less shared capital-L Looks or hugs or hand holds. So By the time season 2 wrapped up and a lot of that stuff wasnt as apparent, and they never bothered mentioning Lena ONCE before she came back, it became kind of clear that this was not a thing that was happening any more.

Then we got Penny’s “outing” which was not at all an outing. And seeing that penny not wanting to date earth men was a “compromise” that needed to be “fought for” really nailed that coffin shut for me. If we couldn’t get an openly wlw totally original tertiary character, we weren’t going to get it from Webby.

I dont know if they got unhappy executive notes about season 1 or if there was someone around championing the relationship early in production who left to work on other things, or if they just decided it wasnt important, but any hope held out for it after late season 2 was just me being delusional. I wanted to believe, I really did.

maybe I was delusional all along. Had my shipping goggles on. I dont know. I mean, it happens. it wouldnt be the first time and it wont be the last. 

I just really, REALLY wanted it, you know?

we couldnt have gotten like...one last ...something? Something just for them, to harken back to the energy they had in season 1?

sigh.

i havent written in a long time because i dont really have any stories left to tell, but I do brainstorm many projects with PCS. while I, and especially he, have often taken canon reveals in stride (when he first started writing Longest Shadows, we did not yet know about Violet. He was able to add her in fairly seamlessly, i think) I dont think we’ll be paying attention to any of this, ESPECIALLY some shit about Webby being Scrooge’s clone. (dumb dumb stupid dumb) I mean, you can ask him about it, but I know we’ve already shared some choice words, lol. Even if I operate under the assumption that the clone thing is and has been true all along, I’ll simply be working in a universe where it never came to light.

i can’t believe we would take this story about found family and make it about genetics in the 11th hour. what the holy fucking fuck is this nonsense. ugh.

I dont want to say I cant believe i wasted the last 5 years of my life on ducktales, because I didnt. It meant a lot to me. I had a lot of fun, i met some really awesome people, and in particular one person I can count among my very best friends in the whole world. so it wasnt a waste. And im not going to go on one of these weird tirades against frank where I try to hold him accountable for my emotional damages or whatever because Im an adult and not delusional. Thats the story he wanted to tell, for some reason I will never understand. We’re going to keep writing and daydreaming our own. And maybe, if Im lucky, I’ll live long enough to see the next reboot headed by some queer kid who grew up seeing themself in little baby gay webby vanderquack and makes it canon. N...not that we need another reboot. But i would watch that one. Just saying.

[bl-garbage]

to dance is to unshackle

um, okay—how else do i express this buoyant happiness that Gaya sa Pelikula has awoken inside me? i’m in complete and utter awe. i did not expect a drop of what the sixth episode has brought us. more than satisfying, it’s utterly fascinating. this is quite a lengthy post, but if you have the time, please bear with me. and since we’re already here, let’s fucking dissect the shit out of this:

right off the bat, it’s sweet how consistently written Vlad was the entire time of the show. at the start of the episode, for one, he was concerned with Karl’s disposition, saying, “anong iniisip mo (what are you thinking)?” and, later on, as we know, he pops that question again in this episode. what are you thinking? always in limbo. true, it’s considerate, yet more than that, it’s always a sign of waiting for permission. Vlad has been like this since the beginning: observant and willing to reach out, confident on the surface, yes, but always afraid of going overboard. 

that is not to say that Karl isn’t. in fact, the whole dynamics of their relationship rest on the fact that they can lean on each other and just be honest. many moments show this: Karl’s desire to shift; Vlad not getting  into the film lab and Karl knowing something was up; the entirety of Vlad’s birthday; Karl and Vlad’s reticence to open up to Anna, in contrast with how comfortable they feel with each other. in a nutshell, they’re each other’s homes. more on this later.

the part i was most frightened at with this episode was when Karl finally told his parents his desire to shift. to be honest, personally, i wouldn’t know exactly how that pressure on Karl feels, as i was able to study the degree i wanted. yet, back then, i had already known that my parents, who wholly supported me just the same, would have wanted a degree that leaned on science or engineering. that still sucked to know. Karl’s situation is much more complicated. his desire to shift to another course is to make up for lost time, a sense of hurrying before it really becomes all too late. this was a heavy lot to take in. the disappointment and anger in his father’s face when he dropped the bomb was too much to handle. Karl had expected it, yet its impact still hurled shrapnel that he was not able to dodge, sustaining him with several wounds. it would be curious to see how his parents come to terms with his confession. i am certain that a number of people have connected with Karl here.

which brings me to another point. Gaya sa Pelikula creates these characters with their own agency. it’s touted as a BL series, yes, but our two main characters’ point is actually not to fall in love — but to live, part of which is to fall in love. they have their hopes and dreams and own burdens to carry, and while falling in love takes centerstage here, we see how they can stand alone, on their own two feet. falling in love is central to their growth, but it is evident that love is not the whole point of their existence. 

speaking of which: ate judit. ah, yes, where do i even begin to explain the exquisiteness with which ate judit was written? how, after all of five episodes, it was only now did it make sense why judit was overly, unnaturally caring and protective, a mama bear that would not let anything happen to his little Vlad. now we know why: guilt.  

imagine that. being told you were the reason why your whole family went into shambles. there is much vindication in Vlad’s line of questioning, “why would you say that to a child?” (god, i’m tearing up even as i write this.) this was a pivotal scene, with a focal point on judit, the likes of whom we cannot entirely fault for not knowing any better. the fact remains that we are still in an era that fails to understand the spectrum of gender identities and the far utopia that we seek, where gender and sex would not be a damning classification anymore. and for true allies, it is in admitting that they “didn’t know then what [they] know now” that their support gains more strength. it is in confessing where they got wrong, how harmful their actions were, and in the commitment to do more, that their promise is made good.

parenthetically, can we talk about Vlad’s mom as well? have you all noticed how her voice broke when she said, “siguraduhin mong hindi ka na itatanggi niyan, ha (just make sure he won’t deny you, okay)?” was that pain, or guilt even? i wonder if we’re ever going to see her. it would be a regret not to. for so long Vlad had thought that he was the reason his father left, and that his mother was mad at his queerness. i wouldn’t want this simple call to be the resolution that the show had for him. at any rate, we have two more episodes to await, so i am not going to strike my gavel on this judgment just yet.

but whereas Vlad found his longtime coming reconciliation with his sister, Karl had no one to turn to. his call to Vlad was a cry for help. it was heartbreaking to see him like this. Karl had always put up a fake smile against any adversity that had come his way. to him, these were trivial matters that would pass, and they did so — until now. after all he was, as we would later come to know, living a script that had been prewritten before he even came to being. that explains his nonchalant demeanor toward life, the seeming discontent behind those dead eyes, and a repeated hinting that he was always yearning for so much more. at the end of the call, Karl instinctively goes to the closet - and his proverbial closet - and sees the skeletons he had hidden inside, drop in a mess. 

that it was Karl’s brother who was in the photo shook me. that past was so well thought out. things made so much sense in this episode: why Karl tried to fit in, why everything seemed so fake. why he was so discomforting to watch, even! that made sense now.  

and what do you do when everything has become a mess? the once seamless film that had been rolling without any glitches now sprawled on the floor, entangled in a hodgepodge well beyond fixing. when that happens, what do you do? well, you dance.

i have so many things to say about faux masculinity. it is a fact undisputed that in this society, gender roles are still very much pillars that we have yet to dismantle. our genders have been geared toward performativity, and our consolation is the external validation we receive through the acts of fitting in. in the process, we lose sight of what we really want. we blur the lines between what is and what should be, in favor of what society has demanded upon us. Karl took that role and lived by it religiously. yet, those things has gone haywire in this episode. more than his parents, it was to himself that Karl has finally admitted that the act can be dropped now: the fixed posture, those rehearsed lines, that painfully faux masculinity, on guard all the fucking time. all of those things were dropped.

that is not to say that Karl was faking all of it. there is no denying that Karl has been a masculine person most of the time. but the show portrayed before us a discarded femininity that Karl had been trying to bury deep inside him — one that all people who have been and who are still in the closet know by heart. the thing is, all of us have masculine and feminine sides, the expression of which vary at different levels in different situations. sadly, we have been preconditioned to believe that male persons must be masculine, and female persons must be feminine. Gaya sa Pelikula acknowledges this hegemony, and then throws it away all the same. true, Karl may very well be comfortable in his masculine expression, but his femininity must also be allowed to grow. one cannot be complete without embracing the entirety of who they are. many have died — been killed — for simply living who they are. society has long been a vicious environment. but people have also long fought for their fundamental right to perform these things, and through them, we know that things can change. that things are changing.

it is against this context that imprints more meaning, more gravity to when we finally, finally see Karl dance. in every sense, his dance was the show’s climax for me. it is, quite emphatically, freedom incarnate.

when i say i fucking bawled at this scene, you best believe it.

quite important to note: when Karl sees Vlad, he stopped abruptly, only for Vlad to signal to him, in an OK sign, that what he was doing was perfectly fine. that Karl could be effeminate all he wants, and who the hell in this earth should care? this allowance has given Karl all the needed validation he will ever need, at least, for that one night where they could bare it all. it was only the two of them, but the house has never been more crowded, because their feelings have seemingly exploded and have been overflowing in a glorious climax for all of us to witness. in this scene, Karl has unshackled the chains with which he had been bound all that time, and it was Vlad who helped him finally break the last of those chains. in this moment, there was only pure bliss.

(that the song playing here was Ride Home by ben&ben is the perfect giveaway. for non-Filipino readers who have only listened to ben&ben now, check this band out. it’s one of the best bands to have ever come out of the Philippine music industry.)

and, of course, in this waterfall of emotions, it is only perfect to time the moment of their first kiss. they have accepted each other, haven’t they? in a meaningful act (the gravity of which we will only realize in full later when Vlad tells the story of his dad), Karl rumpled Vlad’s hair, but only after Vlad had already consented to it. then, afterward, it was Vlad’s turn to ask, what are you thinking? to which Karl had this—and i know we all expected it, nevertheless—to say: i don’t want to think anymore. then they kissed.

i swear to god. i only watched this for the 92432475781 time.

the denouement was so well put, too: now everything is put back into its own place. Karl’s brother. his death. his parents’ expectations. the substitution. Vlad’s father. his parents’ expectations. the horror of realizing one’s difference. the abandonment. in these stories, it becomes more and more permissible to believe that Karl and Vlad have easily found comfort in each other. to say that they are soulmates (as the creator, juan miguel severo, told on his twitter) is not an exaggeration.

and, make no mistake: Karl and Vlad did not find each other’s embraces out of pity. no. it would be unduly harsh to view them that way. rather, they found solace in each other’s embrace and warmth, but it is still they who will muster the courage to face their own demons. the only difference is, they now have each other to find some sort of release. they are not destructively dependent on each other; instead, they help each other grow into the versions of themselves that they can be proud of.

finally, a couple of small things: look at the way Karl was inviting Vlad to lie in bed with him. that simple gesture harks us back to the early days of their dynamics: Vlad had expressed that it was okay to share a bed, but Karl was adamant that they do not. Karl had once dreamed of Vlad joining him there, and that scared him shitless. in contrast to that, now we have this: Karl himself inviting Vlad, and Vlad accepting for Karl’s wholehearted invitation. the moment this happened, there was a consummation of the expression of their love. if they had their doubts prior to this, those could not have been more obliterated now. 

needless to say, i fucking, fucking loved this. as one who has only ever written three fanfics (2gether and History 2!), all of which seemingly related to sleeping (what the fuck, do i have a sleep fetish or something), this ending to episode 6 is just the cherry on top. 

their lines by the end particularly strike me. here we have Karl who wishes to create his own stories. on the other hand is Vlad who wishes that he be in charge of the endings, too. how do they do that? who knows? but the certainty that defines their pact is that they shall do it together, unbound and free to dance to the song they have chosen of their own accord. and that simple promise, made in each other’s tight embrace under artificially warm lights amid that early january weather, with no certainty at all of what tomorrow has to bring, has made all the difference. 

in 34 minutes, Gaya sa Pelikula has, yet again, done more than we could have ever expected.

i just checked and this reached 2k words. i’m not even gonna attempt to proofread this anymore. anyway, this is all i have to say for now. i just simply cannot let go of the best episode i’ve seen in this show without expressing my own reaction to it. 

(also: i’m thinking of writing a fanfic; that is, the morning after. just a one-shot, hopefully a cute one. as usual, an introspection of these characters, and what lies ahead. hope i actually get to write it!)

thank you so much, Gaya sa Pelikula. you are proof that things do change.

[lazarus-lazuli]

What are your opinions on people in The Magicians fandom being gatekeepy about Quentin’s relationships with Alice and Eliot. From the beginning Alice and Quentin were made for each other and so were Quentin and Eliot! Alice and Quentin had an intense relationship, they loved each other so much, and even in times they weren’t getting along the love never died. Quentin sacrificed so much to bring Alice back even though he knew it would damage their relationship! Same thing with Eliot and Quentin! From the beginning Eliot was such a supportive friend to Quentin while he was with Alice. And when Q and Alice broke up his relationship with Eliot started to blossom and they had a beautiful life (that we didn’t get to see unfortunately) together. Quentin spent an entire season trying to bring Eliot out of that possession! It’s obvious that Quentin was in love with Alice and was in love with Eliot too! I’m sick of people trying to pretend like Quentin was only in love with Alice or he he was only in love with Eliot. Bisexual men exist for fucks sake! What do you think?

I don’t think Alice was in love with Eliot per se (show canon wise), but I think they have a very interesting dynamic and it’s pretty garbage that it wasn’t explored more outside of that one episode in season 5 and a few interactions in season 1. The fact they both are in love Quentin is a good jumping off point but they never went much further than “Yep, we both love him, that much is true”. They could have been great friends but nope, we’re not allowed to eat good food in this house. Not after 4x10 aired, anyway (save for 5x05 and 5x06; I will die on my sword for those episodes). 

I think both relationships got the short end of the stick in regards to writing (in fact most of the relationships on The Magicians don’t really get a chance to flourish; the ones they established early on ended up crashing and burning and then the ones they established later on that were frankly really strange writing decisions without much thought/development that ended up being endgame... and I do say this despite my soft spot for Margosh). With Eliot it’s obviously way more egregious because he’s a gay character that never got a proper love story; even the one that was established with Quentin was taken out by the knees just when the writers confirmed that there were mutual feelings there. It was never a matter of queerbaiting, it was a matter of they WERE queer and they WERE in love and the writers decided to fucking take the plotline out back and shoot it anyway because they just HAD to kill the main white male lead despite the fact he was bisexual and mentally ill. If Jason wanted to leave/his contract was up and he didn’t renew it then whatever, his prerogative, but the writers could have done literally anything else to sideline Quentin. At the very least, they could have given him and Eliot some closure. But NOPE straight to Superhell for gay crimes. That’s how they decided to end his nearly completed arc.

However, I feel like his relationship with Alice got treated with the about the same amount of respect despite it being a “Straight” ship. I think that’s why people are pretty shit about it (that and some people are just highkey misogynistic and hate female characters, especially ones that “get in the way” of mlm ships); they just kind of dropped the ball and made it almost uncomfortable to watch. 

Their relationship was not nearly as healthy as the one between him and Eliot; in fact I would argue it was pretty toxic. But they still loved each other and still fought hard for each other, even to each others detriment (namely how pissed Alice was when Quentin made her human again).  I have no idea what the writers were going for when towards the end they threw him and Alice back together. Seriously, in my opinion they should have just been friends and supported each other because they do love each other very much, they just weren’t in the right place in their lives to work as a couple unfortunately. And honestly that would have been much more realistic than Alice running back into Quentin’s arms and Quentin taking her back. It’s like she wasn’t allowed to be an independent character outside of her relationship with him (but that’s a whole other discourse and I have enough to say about this aspect of it alone).

Then to add insult to injury he didn’t even so much as LOOK at Eliot when they brought him back, which makes absolutely NO sense considering how for the whole season up to that point he stood up to a God-powered entity that could have snapped his neck on a whim on behalf of the man he loved. Then the writers were like “lol cool, anyway we’re killing Quentin so he doesn’t get to have any meaningful relationships or even interactions with his love interests or even his best friends today” and threw it all out the window. Like, you wanna talk BAD finales... 

Sometimes I wish I was a fly on the wall in the writers’ room while they were working this shit out because honestly what level of brain rot do you need to have to take all these interesting characters and relationships and do the worst things possible to them? It’s like they WANTED everyone to ragequit the show. Long story short the more I think about the way certain relationships on the show are written the more I wanna slam my head through drywall. It was so good in so many ways but then they completely bungled within the span of like THREE EPISODES!

All that being said, I don’t blame some people for being weird and gatekeepy about certain ships because of the end of season four. However, I feel like everyone has a good dynamic (or at least a dynamic that was good at one point or another) and people have the right to ship who they want. SO much setup with so little payoff; if people wanna fix it via fanfiction or just straight up ship it anyway they’re allowed to. Like you said, Quentin is bisexual and he loves both Eliot and Alice; one love does not invalidate the other regardless of personal opinions on which should have been endgame/how well the respective relationships were handled writing wise.

PS while I personally prefer Marqueliot but Alice/Quentin/Eliot is valid too. 

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Thoughts on jensen saying "this is the gayest thing I've ever been a part of" when jared sent out his first tweet?

in the early-to-mid 2000s, it was so common to use ‘gay’ as an pejorative that they had to make public service announcements telling people to cut it out because it was homophobic. 

it was so common that me and my church friends thought saying “you know why it doesn’t work? because it’s gay” was hilarious. like, you guys have no idea because to y’all i’m the queer cockles archivist who says ‘fuck’ all the time, but when i was 14 i was literally the person that other kids fought over to be in their bible trivia group. i was known in my youth group for having enough knowledge of scripture that i could tell someone what verse they had just quoted, or argue with an adult leader because i knew of a verse that contradicted what they just said. and i said “that’s gay” because i thought it was funny.

so consider that i, teenage bible nerd extraordinaire, said “that’s gay”, and then consider jensen being in his 20s and steeped in toxic masculinity in texas and various industries his whole life.

i think that young people really have no idea just how far queer rights have progressed and how much more taboo homophobia has become in the last 10-15 years. when i was a teenager, homophobia was the norm. like, that’s just how things were. of course you knew gay people existed, but they were other, and you didn’t really worry about offending them in your everyday language. 

i’m not saying homophobia was fine because it was normal, i’m just saying that’s the culture we grew up in. as times have changed, we’ve had to unlearn our prejudice and learn to do better. i was wrong to use ‘gay’ as an insult, but i’m also not going to crawl on my knees begging forgiveness for it, because things were different then. i know better now, i do better now.

and while i do think that jensen is queer and has probably known he’s queer since his 20s, internalized homophobia and performative heterosexuality are powerful forces. he doesn’t talk like that anymore, so i’m not going to judge him.

[tenrose]

I've been thinking all day about that "discussion" we had during meal time at work today that made me lose my mind. But mostly how fucking useless I was because of dumb I am. Basically there is a call for a strike from our Union for better salaries which I would have expected everyone find great considering we have to work 40h+ to be able to reach like 1,5k€ (with a productivity bonus in it) so basically, we have a decent salary because we are overworked and when l mean decent, I mean decent for me because I have the luxury to have no car so I don't pay as much shit as other (while it's nothing for colleagues who come to work with cars and have children etc.) and still it only allow me to rent for a one room 30m2 appartement so you know... Not what I'd expect to have once I'd have a full time job (also considering the fact that here a full time job is supposed to be 35h not over 40h). So you know I'm super ready to support strike movement considering the fucking shit capitalist pigs have put our country (lol the entire WORLD) those last two years.

And then there's this fucking guy (I normally don't hate him but that's radically changed them) who trash talked the Union for the whole fucking meal (I put down the knife in my hand), basically saying they demand too much, and people are lazy and they don't want to work and going etc. And I swear to you my blood is still fucking boiling. And he said yeah but countries who have workplaces with 4 days a weeks have it because they are protected military by America or some shit (he said that cause I used Norway as an exemple of great social country), become a shareholder or invest money (why is it always the fucking cis millennials guys coming with that invest money bullshit) and basically life is not fucking vacations and etc. Etc. I mean the only argument I came up with the fact that every single right we gained was through strikes. Literally France has labour laws protecting the employees because our parents and grandparents went on strike for us. And basically every right we have, every rights women have, every right the queer community have is because people went on strike and fought for us. Like I know our elders did a lot shit, not downplaying this in any way but they also granted us great things. Great things we are losing right now. But people have this fucking mentality of working more to make more money. And God forbid if the neighbor who work less hours make the same amount. Like why do you care so fucking much? And also this individualistic way of thinking, like ask a may raise for yourself. And why do you care about inflation on the gas price if you don't have a car? Hello because I don't think it's fair for anyone to have half their salary going on the transportation they are forced to use to go to work. And because union make us stronger. Together we are fucking stronger. I don't fucking care if "union wants a strike because it benefits them" it will benefit me and since I have a permanent contract I can't be fired because of strike. Because believe it or not Union Strike are protected under Labour law. And if you don't want to go on strike, good for you. But trash talking workers Union? That's fucking low. I mean I'm guilty of always complaining about the SNCF strike but when you think about it most people are angry because they have better privileges than us because.... Strikes. And even I, some stuff the Union has down really annoy me (like the fact that most of us are peacefully remotely working) but I know they do stuff that benefit all us. And you know what? Fight for everyone including the one who don't want to associate with Unions, but the ones who actively trash talk about Union strikes shouldn't receive any benefit acquired by them. There I said it.

And I don't know his personal life that much, but he's a straight cis white man around my age. And I can tell he's never have one financial struggle in his life. I just know. If you've been poor you know. I mean sadly there's a lot of people with low income sharing this kind of stupidity but the way he talks about it I just know. It sounds irrational I know but I know this gut feeling too well. I was absolutely certain the moment he said "people are not starving", I knew he has used the power of depression to wake up at 3pm skipping meals and saving food and money. I know he never has seen his parents lashing out on him because you secretly ate the cereals unknowingly they had to sacrifice something for themselves. And while I know he's not rich, I know that with the money I earn now I don't really struggle anymore. It's easy for me. He doesn't now at least, he's having a child soon. But idk what's his gf is doing because he doesn't seem worried. I mean our coworker with a kid was telling him how she don't do a lot of stuff for herself anymore, how she has to sacrifice thing to give the best for herself. But he finds it normal? It's really weird. I mean while being not rich he probably know he has his parents backing up a minimum. I don't. Not cause they hate me. But because since I've started to work I'm basically the richest kid (tell you a lot with a minimum wage with 8 extra hours every week) and I'm their backup. They never have been able to be my security for rent.

I mean I always felt this guy being too close to the boss anyway... The only ones "close" to him are the women from HR secretary etc. They are probably just close to back their own asses... Which fair I guess. For the record he had a permanent contract super easily (I know he had one interview with the big boss, no of us had and we all signed last minute and because they were forced by law to have more permanent contracts than precarious ones) and also at some point he said to just ask for a pay raise. And if it isn't the typical straight male who never have to fight for something while struggling with impostor syndrome like broke people/women/poc had, saying idk what it is. I mean he's educated and that's why he sounded confident while talking (I mean I am somehow the owner of a uni diploma and I still don't feel legitimate in anything). And not that it's bad to be educated, on the opposite, but most people here haven't had the luck to have long studies or they have something useless like a literature diploma (silly me). And generally there's something about talking calmly about social and financial injustices that put a giant red flag above the head of the person. Ik now, I'm being overly sensitive here. But I don't understand people who don't?

But anyway the thing that annoyed me the most was myself. Because, of this fucking social anxiety I wasn't able to stand my ground. I'm the most nervous person on earth, I was visibly shaking with anxiety because I don't know to debate but also with proper anger. I am always fucking shaking when in intense debates, things that matter to me (even in the positive side like talking about stuff I like). And now I'm thinking about all the fucking counter arguments because I have all of them. But I just looked dumb like it just makes it easier for him to feel right and for me to feel wrong. And God I'm crying right now, I know stupid. I mean if it was a written dissertation I would have beaten his ass easy. I know it cause I always good at dissertation and showing I am someone's with critical thinking deep inside with my writing (and I would have been better if I didn't spend my whole academic cursus writing shit the last minute). You know I should remind myself that I was good at written essays. I should remind myself that I'm not bad at everything. But the thing is, life is not written. And not being able to properly convey your thoughts verbally is a dead sentence for basically everything. Without social anxiety I wouldn't be stuck here, in a mindless job, I wouldn't be stuck listening to right wing bullshit. I mean I would, but I would be striking back. I'm just looking stupid, worrying about stuff I can't change. I can't stand for myself. I can't stand for other people as well. Because I have a fucking dead brain.