#re: 'I don't know anyone with long covid'

[pandemic-info]

At Yale’s Long COVID Clinic, Lisa Sanders Is Trying It All

excerpts:

Since the beginning of the pandemic, she — together with colleagues in the pulmonary and neurology departments — had been seeing long-COVID patients at Yale but often in an ad hoc way. Some of the doctors had become so flooded with people seeking help that they were having difficulty scheduling and treating their regular patients who came to them for everything else ...

Long-COVID patients, generally speaking, have been very miserable for a very long time, and because the illness attacks their brains, their hearts, their lungs, their guts, their joints — sometimes simultaneously, sometimes intermittently, and sometimes in a chain reaction — they bounce from specialist to specialist, none of whom has the bandwidth to hear their whole frustrating ordeal together with the expertise to address all of their complaints: the nonspecific pain, the perpetual exhaustion, the bewildering test results, the one-off treatments. “These are people who have not been able to tell their story to anybody but their spouse and their mom — for years sometimes,” Sanders tells me. “And they are, in some ways, every doctor’s worst nightmare.”

...

Long COVID has been pushing the limits of hospital systems everywhere, not just at Yale. As Americans emerged from the most acute phase of the pandemic, as mask and vaccine mandates lifted and life returned to a semblance of normal for the people who had contracted COVID and recovered, primary-care physicians started to say, “‘I’m not interested in long COVID,’ or ‘I don’t treat long COVID. Let me refer you to a specialist,’” said David Putrino, who runs the new chronic-illness recovery clinic at Mount Sinai. For their part, Putrino added, the specialists were saying, “This is not what my practice is. This is not an emergency anymore.” Patients all over the country reported monthslong waiting times for appointments at long-COVID clinics. All the while, scientists and pundits heaped skepticism on the very notion of long COVID, arguing that infection made people stronger, that new variants posed no threats, that the danger of long COVID was overblown — implying that what patients were suffering from was all in their heads.

Forgotten in this debate are the 65 million people worldwide for whom the pandemic remains a torturous everyday reality.

...

In the late 1990s, patients with a galaxy of unexplained chronic symptoms — including fatigue, sore throat, joint pain, insomnia, dizziness, brain fog, and depression — began to gather into activist and identity groups, calling themselves sufferers of “chronic Lyme.” They had something, they argued, related to a previous infection from the bite of a deer tick, but their doctors were dismissing them as whiners and neurotics. This was in an era when the medical Establishment was rolling its collective eyes at patients who were querying whether diagnoses of “chronic fatigue syndrome” or “fibromyalgia” might fit their symptoms — ones that looked very much like those linked to chronic Lyme.

Sanders joined the chorus of debunkers. These patients had real symptoms and real ailments, she asserted in Every Patient Tells a Story. But the collection of symptoms was “hopelessly broad and overinclusive,” she wrote. “These are some of the most common symptoms of patients presenting to a primary care office.” She concluded that chronic Lyme was a “phantom diagnosis.” 

“I completely regret that chapter,” she says now. “I would like to rewrite it.” Sanders explains that she was reacting to the doctors who were preying on suffering people by prescribing interminable courses of antibiotics that were not helping them: “But I completely misunderstood it. The patients were making the connection between their symptoms and Lyme disease.”

...

“We’re not paying enough attention,” she said. “We’re not. Doctors are still dismissing this disease as something that’s in your head. I have seen the exchanges on Twitter: ‘Long COVID is exaggerated, not real.’” Women are diagnosed with long COVID at roughly twice the rate of men, Iwasaki pointed out: “I think if the situation was reversed, we’d pay even more attention to this disease.” - Akiko Iwasaki, immunologist at Yale [also known for her work nasal vaccine & long covid research]

...

But even Sanders was not prepared for how little doctors and scientists know about long COVID. There is no blood test. Health officials can’t even agree on how to define it. The CDC describes long COVID as “signs, symptoms, and conditions that continue or develop after acute COVID-19 infection” — or, in Sanders’s paraphrase, “You got COVID and then something bad happened.” Under the CDC definition, patients have long COVID if they are symptomatic at least four weeks after initial infection. The WHO defines it similarly but with a different time frame: occurring or lasting at least three months after initial infection. This discrepancy matters to Sanders because, as much as possible, she wants to identify patients who have long COVID and not those who may take a little longer to recover from their original illness. In her clinic, she uses the WHO definition.

...

Sanders, more than ever before, is dependent on the patient’s account — on detailed specifics — to establish her diagnosis. It’s a process of elimination and deduction. So she has “learned just to shut the fuck up and listen.”

[decolonize-the-left]

Lol. lmao even.

Thank you so much for proving my point.

Like forgive my "holier than thou" and "fake leftist" attitude about it but I think if you want change you have to take risks, risks that upset the status quo. Like voting 3rd party, especially when nobody (including historically blue labor unions and states) wants Biden to be president.

If there's a chance to change things for the better then leftists and progressives take that opportunity. Every time. If you don't take that opportunity then you aren't even a progressive, let alone a leftist ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Conservatives are called conservatives cuz they don't want things to change. You know why? Progress always threatens privilege and their privilege is something conservatives care about maintaining. "Things are fine the way they are, not perfect but be reasonable."

Also since you asked about my praxis; The last 4 years I have: protested/taken tear gas to the face across the entire PNW, organized for BLM, helped create a police alternative in my area so people don't have to call the cops, built mutual aid networks that cross state borders, and then I caught COVID the first time. At which point I became too disabled to keep doing the same level of praxis. So then I spent a Lot of time at the doctor trying to get my new COVID-caused chronic illnesses diagnosed. I couldn't handle activity like that anymore so I shifted gears to accommodate my body. I changed my passively political Tumblr to be my main source of outreach for radicalizing that would double as a political resource for leftist newbies.

Additionally, I've posted about this before and even showed y'all my ballot but I live in Nazi Territory. There is nobody who runs for any office here that isn't a Republican or libertarian and most of the time they're unopposed, too. I regularly don't vote because I don't have anyone to vote for, let alone have a 3rd party candidate to support.

"decolonize your own nationality privilege"

I'm literally Ojibwe, first off. Secondly, you think decolonizing the USA looks like re-electing a colonizer actively commiting genocide? l m a o

Like I said....people like this are closer to being conservative centrists than any kind of leftist. There's No Way someone who supports liberty and self determination would vote for Biden when there are other options ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and if I did NOT call out this clearly co-optive behavior then I would Not be decolonize the left.

Centrists and conservatives will not be allowed to water down leftist beliefs as long as this blog is here.

I literally came here to be holier than thou and judgey and to hold leftists to a higher standard after I shared so many online spaces with leftists who did Not support Landback, hated IDPOL, and thought class reductionism would lead to a revolution.

So if my posts strike a nerve: good, tbh

Ps;

"real leftism is when you vote for capitalist genocidal Democrats to maintain the peaceful status quo and if you disagree you're a privileged liberal" and "how come you as a famous Tumblr blogger haven't materially affected our elections the last 4 years???" are takes I'd be embarrassed to say out loud so I've hidden your URL, lmfaoooooo

Pps:

You could open any of the books I've suggested on race or colonialism or imperialism or native history :) or join one of the unions I've posted about. Watch one of the videos about building mutual aid networks. You could even learn about presidential candidates on my page. And if you think you can do a better job than me then do it. I'm literally begging.

Or yeah, I guess you could keep doing whatever this is *gestures to the post* instead.

That's obviously very useful.

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

Hi, saw one of your reblogs about masking and wanted to ask something. Sorry if you're not the right person to ask, feel free to ignore, I just haven't got anyone irl that even cares anymore. I've been masking daily this entire time ever since the pandemic first started, but I'm beginning to wonder, when are we going to be able to stop masking? Is there anywhere you can recommend where I can inform myself about this, about what our outlook is like re: COVID and other safety precautions and that type of stuff? The government's position in my country is pretty much just "masks are no longer mandatory" (I wasn't even allowed to get a booster this year, they're apparently not recommended for under 60s here unless you're high risk), and there isn't a culture of masking when sick here, so almost no one does, not even doctors. And it's starting to affect me socially as well, you kind of end up socially excluded/ostracized quite a lot when most places you go you're the only one masking (which I realize is not as bad as death or long COVID but I do have to admit it's getting to me). I guess I'm just wondering if there's anything else to look forward to other than masking indefinitely?

I'm really sorry but unless and until there are widespread, systemic safety measures in place, as far as I know masking is gonna continue to be your best option in terms of protecting yourself and others from covid and its complications :(

There are less effective but still useful options, like the covixyl nasal spray and nasal sanitizers, and iota-carageenan nasal spray and/or cpc mouthwash as post exposure prophylaxis—but those are most effective when paired with masking.

If you do at any point decide to stop masking, altogether or in certain situations, I hope you'll consider using some of those preventative tools. They're dramatically better than no protection at all.

Air cleaners like the corsi-rosenthal box can help if you're in a space where you'd be allowed to set that up. Socializing outside helps a little esp if you're spaced out.

But unless systems get put in place to overhaul ventilation systems and quarantine sick people etc the most effective option I'm aware of as an individual is a well-fitting N95/kf94/kn95 mask with no gapping at the cheeks or anywhere else.

It might be worth finding out who in your area is organizing to try to demand or implement better covid safety measures, and see if you can join them. Try disability advocacy groups—even if they don't have a project like that in place they may either know who does or be willing to help you set one up.

Lastly, I'm just repeating info I've taken in (hopefully accurately) from medical journal articles. I'm just an ordinary person, I'm not an epidemiologist or virologist or medical expert of any kind, so please do your own research as well. Make sure any info you accept as for-sure accurate is from peer reviewed medical studies published by credible scientific journals.

[bobcatmoran]

Against my better judgement, I'm watching the GBBO Mexican Week since the following week's episode will be coming out here in the US tomorrow. Disclaimer that I have zero Mexican heritage. I just like me a pan dulce and am an award-winning baker for non-Mexican bakes.

We start off on a "high" note, with Noel and Matt in eye searingly bright ponchos and sombreros, saying, "I don't think we should make Mexican jokes, people will get upset."

"What, no Mexican jokes at all?"

"I don't think so."

"What, not even Juan?"

This seems to be setting the tone for the episode quite nicely.

Or something.

More beyond the cut for the sake of everyone's dashes who haven't turned on the annoying thing where it cuts off long posts. This is gonna be LONG. And very spoilery. Fair warning.

Signature: Pan Dulce

After 2 bakers being off for "illness" (covid?) last week, everyone's back in the tent.

The little clips from the bakers as they walk in do nothing to instill confidence that anyone is coming to this from a perspective where they actually know anything about Mexican baking or that they've done much in the way of research to prepare themselves.

"I don't really know much about Mexican cuisine, so this is an absolute adventure."

"When someone says Mexican food, my mind goes only to fajitas."

"Mexican food's fun, but Mexican baking? What do the Mexicans bake?"

Carole at least acknowledges that she did do research, because she wasn't familiar with Mexican sweet bakes. I salute her for choosing pan de anise, something other than the conchas most other poeple are doing, even though she can't pronounce it to save her life.

Abdul straight off the bat says he's never had any sort of pan dulce before, so he's not sure what they're supposed to be like. I can't entirely blame him because I don't think Panaderias are as common in the UK as they are here (even in suburban Minnesota I have at least two within a 5 mile radius). I do salute him for doing as much research as he could for his besos, though Paul is like, "No, your research is wrong, they're supposed to be a completely different texture, I have just been to Mexico."

Prue decides that it's a good idea to correct Janusz, who was born in Poland, that "cacti" is the correct plural of "cactus," not "cactuses." Because that's what's important.

I'm quietly dying inside at how the scriptwriters clearly decided that craquelin was the best term for the topping on conchas. (later addition: oh gods, the judges are calling it that, too)

Sandro, I love you, but that's PUSHING the definition of conchas, having a filling and a salted caramel base.

Break while the hosts decide that Mexico is definitely a real place. Like Oz.

I'll admit that I've never made conchas, but I've made the close Japanese cousin, melon pan (got a couple awards for them yay), and much sympathy for all the bakers going that route because getting the tops rolled out to the right thickness and scored nicely is sooooo fiddly. Not all of them manage it. Sandro, I love you again, but those "conchas" are. Tall. My dude, did you look at any photos of what those are supposed to look like? (later addition: given all of Paul's comments on shapes, apparently this is what Paul thinks they're supposed to look like? Taller than they are wide??)

Paul complains that Carole's pan de anise "aren't Chelsea bun shape."

Techinical: Tacos

Tacos, which as everyone knows, require baking.

Oh, wait. No they don't. What the heck, Paul Hollywood. Why did you set that as the technical.

Corn tortillas made from scratch, steak, "spicy refried beans," guacamole, and pico de gallo. So many baking skills involved in this. Wow.

Paul: It's Mexican Week, Prue. It has to be tacos.

He then goes on to mispronounce pico de gallo, which Matt somehow managed to get mostly right.

I am dying over how everyone, especially Paul, is pronouncing "taco."

Instructions are brutal, including steps that are "Make the Pico de Gallo." [capitalization as though it's a proper noun] "Make the refried beans." "Make the guacamole." It looks a bit more involved for the tortillas, so there's a bit of mercy there.

Oh gods, at least 3 of the bakers have never even heard of pico de gallo.

Oh noooooo, Janusz has the "cilantro tastes like soap" gene. Nonetheless, he goes ahead and adds it to his pico de gallo mixture since it was on the ingredients list for it. "Spicy, soapy, salty, and sour. Great," he says, tasting it.

Carole, bless her heart, is peeling the avocado for her guacamole like it's a potato. Her tortillas are. Uh. Well, she tried. In her defense, how could she know that Mexican Week would have a technical that involved ZERO baking.

Syabira, who seems to be the only one in the tent who's made Mexican food before, is unimpressed that they are not provided with a tortilla press and are instead asked to flatten the dough with a casserole lid.

Kevin says the most true thing ever, "Everyone's got an opinion on steak, and everyone thinks you've done it wrong."

As the judges approach, Matt mentions that the bakers have been asked to make a taco that include, among other things, "a tangy guacamole," which is not an adjective I'd have thought to apply to guacamole.

Paul complains that there's some color on some of the tortillas, and that's a garbage statement right there.

Prue states that one of the tacos has too much salt "in the taco." She clearly means "in the tortilla," but. Y'know.

Showstopper: Tres Leches Cake

Ok, first of all, the bakers are required to make a cake that has at least 4 layers, which is not something I've ever seen any one do with a tres leches cake. Its very form lends itself to a single layer cake, since it's so moist. I'm getting shades of Jürgen, Actual German from last season, who pointed out to the judges that they'd assigned a traditional German cake to be made in layers which is never ever made in more than a single layer.

At least this requires baking.

Dangit Sandro, you were my favorite coming in, and here you are, being like, "Oh, Mexican? Ok, I will put a GIANT MOUSTACHE on my cake." My dude, did you do your research for this week by watching Speedy Gonzales cartoons? Like, I know he has serious baking chops, knowing why certain things work the way they do. But. Yiiiikes.

Matt suggests to Abdul that since he's making a Dia de los Muertos themed cake that he'll get him some poison. Abdul points out that the holiday is about honoring the dead, not making more of them. Noel is excited for this theming.

Paul is BEWILDERED by the very concept of Syabira incorporating sweetcorn into her cake. Corn??? In a baked good?????? (my Midwestern soul wants to crawl into the TV and punch him)

Quietly dying at how everyone pronouncing "tres leches." Like it has a "z" at the end of the first word.

Kevin, quite sensibly, points out that tres leches sponge is not made for stacking. He is right. He loses points when he says he's making an Aztec temple for his cake, Paul asks him if it's Mayan or Aztec, and he then replies, "There's a bit of overlap, isn't there?" (no, no there is not. Not geographically, and not temporally).

I do wonder now, seeing which types of chili peppers the bakers are choosing (a lot of birds-eye chilis, which I personally associate more with Thai food than Mexican), what sort of availability you get in the UK. Like, they're all developing these recipes at home with the ingredients they can get. And I'm fully aware that Mexican ingredients are lot less available there than they are in the US.

Carole is using an angel food cake as her base to be soaked in the tres leches, and oh boy. She's another baker who, going in, I loved, but she's really struggling this week.

Further discussion amongst the hosts as to whether Mexico is a real place, and omg can we please stop doing this bit.

Janusz says what we're all thinking. "It's a four hour bake. You're not gonna make it perfect, will you?"

The judges are stunned and bewildered at how Syabira managed to have sweetcorn in her cake and make it taste like sweetcorn. Inner Midwesterner continues to scream. Especially after Paul says, "it's not for me."

Ready to shove both Prue and Paul off one of those Aztec pyramids where they used to do human sacrifices after all their complaints about uneven soaking for making a layer cake out of a cake that, by definition, includes a saturated crumb, which is not a thing that is structurally sturdy.

Paul continues his theme of being unable to stand anything much spicier than ketchup. For Mexican Week. Prue is in the same boat.

Two bakers eliminated this week to make up for last week, apparently. Ugh.

Anyway, even with German Week last year, they effed up some stuff, according to the Actual German in the tent. For the love of little green apples, they need to bring in someone who's actually from that country or at the very least someone who's deeply studied that country's baking tradition for these Ethnic Weeks. No, sending Paul Hollywood to the country for, like, a week does not count.

[coffeelovesdramasalatte]

after a literal half a year, I'm backkkkk

a brief summary of Everything That's Happened:

went to my first academic conference and got an award for my work (big yay!)

got covid on my way home from said conference and was out of commission for way too long (nay >.<)

fell even more in love with Eul and advertised it enough that my parents get concerned if i don't mention him at least once every couple of days (who knew we'd get here)

watched the untamed and had it take over my every waking thought (when wangxian said everyday i didn't think that would extend to me)

made my family watch the untamed and gave them brainrot (will be a separate post bc their reactions were too good not to share)

submitted two grad school fellowship applications (i'm SO tired)

got added to two new research projects in my lab (yay science!)

got hyped about upcoming QL shows and decided it was time to make a return to fandom

got re-obsessed with Beyond Evil (my favorite k-drama) and experienced emotions

i hope you are all doing well and i'm sending buckets of love to everyone <33333

also if you sent a message or interacted with me at all after tumblr's layout changed at the end of last year, please know that I wasn't ignoring anyone but I didn't figure out how to see those notifs until months later at which point i was too embarrassed to respond. i'm fixing that now though, sorry I'm so late TT

[destinyc1020]

sorry destiny, i am huge tom fan believe me, but i agree with what the anon said, i understand that u can like a movie that others dont thats not what i am saying but out of the MCU and throw in uncharted, tom's acting skills aside because we both hes fantastic, his projects have been misses, in terms of overall quality, reviews & numbers, TDATT, CW, Cherry, TCR. yes u may have liked some of them but numbers were bad, in a sense they flopped. most of these projects he chose when he was still pretty young and green and the only project he chose post covid was i think TCR and it was amazing but people weren't patient and it was slow at first. and i think since then he has grown a lot more and u can tell, its obvious the way he views things and the way hes picking his projects are diff now so hopefully things go well for him in the future in terms of success outside popcorn movies.

I mean, we can all have different viewpoints on films or actors, and that's fine! 🤷🏾‍♀️ I don't think anyone doubts that Tom is talented.

I understand some fans haven't enjoyed his projects in the past several years. I know for me personally, I've enjoyed 90% of Tom's films....whether they were successes at the box office or NOT. Most of his work I didn't even see in theaters. I saw at home.

The only films of Tom that I've actually seen in theaters are The MCU films (of course), The Current War, The Impossible (before I even knew who Tom Holland was lol), Uncharted (of course lol), and Spies in Disguise! Everything else of his, I've seen at home.

RE: TCR....

I actually enjoyed TCR, but if I had one critique, I would say that Akiva took a little TOO long to get to the point and kind of treated us as viewers like we were too dumb to get the "twist". Most of us knew or got the twist w/in the first episode lol. He really could have spent more time focusing on other things imo. Don't get me wrong, I actually think Akiva had a very ingenious, sympathetic, and creative way of showing what's actually going on when someone suffers from DID (and why they may end up having it), and it was done in a way I'd personally never seen done onscreen before. But I just feel like he should have given us as the audience a little more credit. We could have known from the very beginning that he suffered from DID, but maybe not know who exactly his alters actually were. There were many things that could have been done differently. And I think some of the critics purposely gave TCR LOW reviews to spite Akiva, because apparently he didn't even want DID or "multiple personalities" to be written in any of the early reviews coming out for the series, in order to preserve the "twist". But umm.... Everyone saw it coming a mile away bro lol 😅

So...I really think his tactic of trying to keep the audience in the dark felt a bit laborious after a while, and it's like, "WE GET IT man... we've already figured it out!" We didn't need several episodes prolonging things. But hey, I still enjoyed TCR Summer last year lol, and it was very enjoyable to watch Tom in a series (for a change) every single week! 😊

[nyehilismwriting]

Hey! I wanted to ask for your advice. I was a minor part of the IF community, specifically the COG community, back in 2020. Mostly as a reader, but I dabbled in sharing some of my own writing too. For... reasons we are both well aware of, both in regards to COG, the larger IF community, and the start of COVID I eventually quietly left. Now, three years later, I've been quietly picking up writing IF again as a way to share my story with others. I was wondering if you think, in your opinion, it's worth officially re-joining the IF community on tumblr. On one hand, I feel like things have improved in that the larger community has matured (somewhat). I would like to make more friends, get advice, and maybe even share some more of my art. On the other hand, my project as it stands is... very non-traditional compared to a lot of other IFs (IE: No character customization, no romance, focus on a singular story with emphasis on worldbuilding, etc.). So I don't know if I would even be able to build a community around it even if I did officially rejoin.

I've followed your blog since 2020, including Project Hadea (although I think I originally started following you for your urban fantasy project, although I cannot for the life of me remember if that was you or another author!), and thought I'd come to you for your advice.

I chose to send this ask publicly so that you could choose to answer it privately, if you wished, since it is a longer ask. But I'm okay with you posting it publicly if you would like to! Additionally, no pressure or obligation to respond. Have a nice day!

hi there!! thank you for thinking of me - and welcome back! i'm glad to hear you've been writing again<3 it's such a good feeling, especially when you haven't been able to be creative for a while.

i think i'll start by addressing your game itself. personally, I think this community could do with some new blood in the form of games that are non-traditional; some of the best IFs I've played, ones that have really stuck with and inspired me, have been ones without romance, or cc, or otherwise outside of the typical format that gets popular on tumblr. honestly, i think we could all stand to get a little weirder with it. having said that, there is a very clear type of game that gets popular on tumblr (long-form, narrative-driven, usually with romance, usually with some kind of emphasis on character creation), so if you're a number-go-up kind of person (or someone who is susceptible to that mindset), I would be braced for your audience to remain small, particularly when you're just starting out.

that's not necessarily a bad thing. while I do agree with you that this community has grown and changed shape a lot since the late 2010s, and in a lot of ways for the better, it's definitely not perfect. I can't, in good conscience, say that this is the friendliest or most comfortable community: lots of people are absolutely lovely, and very very kind and enthusiastic; however, and this is absolutely not limited to IF but endemic to any online community, there are ongoing issues with Boundaries, and Respect, and the ways people interact with work and authors they're fans of. certainly, when you share your work you're giving up some control, but it's hard to predict exactly how that's going to go, and how the audience are going to react.

not saying this to put you off, but it's something I think everyone needs to be aware of before deciding to share. it's good to remember that you're not beholden to anyone. this is tumblr dot come, and you're quite free to start a blog, decide it's not for you, and delete; you're free to turn off anon, or asks altogether, or to never post anything save for updates; this is not a corporate space (and while there are considerations if you plan to open a patreon etc, but if we're just talking tumblr) and you are not obligated to do or provide anything you haven't promised.

my other bit of advice - and i think one of the ways to keep any interactions as pleasant as possible - is to be honest, and transparent, and manage expectations. if you make it clear what kind of game you're writing, you're less likely to get people who are disappointed that it's not what they were expecting and taking it out on you. likewise, setting boundaries is important.

i can't really tell you if it's 'worth' rejoining: i've definitely questioned if it's worth it, myself. i've seen some people, ostensibly in the same community as me, doing and saying things i find utterly reprehensible, and i've made some incredibly close friends who i adore and wouldn't give up for the world. and, after all, i am still here and answering asks, so i can't hate it that much. communities are made up of people, and like any group, there's gonna be people you can't stand and people you can. it's about finding your corner, and making it a bearable space for yourself.

i can't tell you if you'll have a positive or negative experience; I can't tell you how to control that. all i can say is that this is an online community, and ultimately you can control when and how interactions occur.

finally - again, i'm glad you're writing again! if you decide not to step back into the IF scene on tumblr, there's plenty of devs who keep purely to itch.io or the cog forums and seem to do fine; sharing your game does not necessarily mean sharing anything else. do what makes you most comfortable <3

[msmargaretmurry]

"slow goodbye" leon/matthew

back at it again with the fic title prompts!! i have a few of these left and i am Determined to get through them by end of the long weekend. i was going to do more of them today but instead i went and bought a bunch of plants, and then i had to be responsible for all those plants. happens to the best of us.

(also, to the anon who send a pov flip ask like a month ago at this point — i promise i haven't forgotten about it! i will get to it. hopefully soon!!!)

ANYWAY: y'all can't get mad at me for this, because i didn't pick the title, and the title is CLEARLY for a breakup fic. i'm feeling something set during the 2022 battle of alberta series.

i think for this one i would lightly plagiarize myself by yoinking the structure i used for send me off to a foreign land, with play-by-play of that last game of the series breaking up the scenes leading up to it.

so matthew and leon have been doing the frenemies with benefits thing for a while — let's be cliche, let's let them have first hooked up at the 2020 all star game — hooked up one other time that season, then didn't again for a while because of all the covid chaos, and then started up again during the 2021–22 preseason and have been going pretty strong all season. they're not friends, not really, but they're both kind of soft at their cores, so hooking up a bunch has unfortunately fostered some fondness between them. and by "fostered some fondness" i mean that they're a little obsessed with each other. not that they'll admit that. possibly they won't even admit it to themselves.

the oilers get to town for the playoff series a couple days before game one and they decide, okay, let's just hook up once and then we're not talking to each other until the series is over. surely this is a good and fine plan and nothing could go wrong. leon sneaks off to matthew's for the evening, a process that is far too familiar by now. matthew offers him a beer, but won't be having one himself — he doesn't drink during the playoffs — so leon abstains as well. it feels a little weird because they usually have a drink first, but everything already feels kind of weirdly charged in a way leon can't quite put his finger on, so — whatever. they stare at each other in the foyer for a moment, and then matthew asks, "do you think this is a bad idea?"

leon says, "do you think it's ever really been a good idea?"

"fair enough," matthew says. they go upstairs, have some sex that is somehow tenderhorny and fucknasty at the same time. is it a teensy bit possessive? perhaps! there's just something about it that already feels strangely final. probably because whichever of them loses this playoff series is going to hold a grudge about it forever. possibly too much of a grudge to keep doing this. matthew is careful with leon's ankle without ever actually acknowledging out loud how transparently bad the injury is, which for some reason makes leon feel awfully vulnerable.

afterward when they're lying together all sweaty and naked, not quite cuddling but not quite not cuddling, after a long silence, matthew says without looking at leon, "i don't think i'm gonna re-sign in calgary."

"what?" leon asks, then, "why are you telling me this?"

matthew shrugs. "i don't know. i wanted to say it out loud, i guess. and i can't say it to anyone here yet. and i don't want to say it to my family yet. obviously if, you know, we win the cup or whatever, maybe i'll change my mind, but. i dunno. i think it'll be good for me to get out of here."

leon spends a long minute turning all of this over in his head and trying to process the strangely strong feelings he has about it. about matthew telling him — about matthew telling him, specifically, because he doesn't matter enough to keep it from him.

eventually he says, "well, you're not winning the cup anyway. because we're gonna kick your ass."

matthew snorts, but rolls onto leon to kiss him, and they don't wind up going again but they do make out for a very long time.

meanwhile in game five, leon is fully focused on the game, except for some fleeting moments between whistles when he finds himself looking for matthew. he's pretty sure matthew is injured, and he can't figure out if matthew was injured when they hooked up and he just didn't notice. the game is an absolute battle, lots of trading leads and tying it back up again, so he really needs to fucking focus. his foot feels like it's going to fall off. he wants to win so fucking badly.

and then — they do win. leon sets connor up for that otgwg and they are so relieved and so happy, and it's not until he's shaking matthew's hand in the handshake line that he realizes that the other night felt final because it was final. no one else in the world knows that matthew is probably leaving calgary, but leon knows, and he wishes he didn't. because if he didn't know, then he wouldn't have to wonder where he's going, and how much futher away it'll be.

he texts matthew after the game, even though he knows matthew won't want to hear it: good game. and good luck this summer.

matthew texts back: thanks. take care.

[congregamus]

Gotta go somewhere

So my mental health has been very poor for most of this year, and it is starting to take a worrying toll on me. There's a lot to talk about, obviously, and whatever it is probably lives here, at least in part, so I will refrain from review and go directly into whatever is next

My contemplation game is strong again, so that's something to be glad of, but it has been of necessity and not purely of love of "God" and the inner temple. I have had to be contemplative to keep myself together, and it burdens me that my spirituality could be rightly accused of transactionality lately. To which end: Psalm 31.

You see, I am panic attack-adjacent at all times these days. The buzzy language about this is to say that my nervous system is severely dysregulated. Fight-Flight-Freeze seems like a zipcode to me these days. And I require some things for this to resolve itself, none of which I have access to right now, and none of which might I be able to afford, even when granted limited access by becoming re-insured.

Please know that I know my privilege that I'm not dodging bombs right now, but my body/nervous system is absolutely convinced otherwise, and I am on the verge of system collapse. Like everything else, right? Letztlich ist alles metaphorisch.

It has become clearer to me lately that much of what I have been afraid of happening is queued up next, or has already happened to some degree. The US has been unmasked as a nation that is not a democracy in any sense that is important to it. The powers of the global "West" are sliding quickly into ultra right-wing ideologies. There is an actual genocide happening in which the US is involved, the atrocities of which are being mightily suppressed, while what we see — when we can bear to look — is already so monstrous as to be traumatizing simply to witness. Never mind what it is to undergo or survive.

I am not equipped to handle it, neither am I free to ignore it. It feels like it's tearing me apart. I understand that this is not about me. But I have no direct access to other perspectives or experiences, so I may only report these things.

I am studying again using books by Ms. Bourgeault, after a long season of lectures with her mentor, the late Fr. Thomas Keating, so I am bearing these things mystically as best I am able, which, at the moment, is not so well. My self-judgement is unnecessary because, spiritually speaking at least, this is a crucifixion moment, and one doesn't "succeed" or "fail" at that. One just dies.

This is distressing to me not only because it fucking sucks, but because one of metaphors insisted on by my consciousness is "performance." This means that what "spiritual" people call my "egoic self" wants a positive review of my inner torment. ("Did it move anyone? What did The Kansas City Sun say about the effectiveness of my writhing?") I do understand how counterproductive this is, but I verbalize it because to do otherwise is to resist it, and that is an act in which I have no interest, and frankly for which I have no energy left. The world is on fire, and I apparently want someone to notice my pain, for fuck's sake. It's not a great look, but it's what I look like right now, at least in some contexts.

I had another one of those 13-hour days yesterday, so I'm not doing anything important today. I don't have to take an "official" mental health day, because I don't report to anyone on Fridays, but I really need to allow myself to breathe into whatever refuge I can find for myself.

The class yesterday was hard. I'm still prone to COVID-fatigue on top of this hyper vigilance machine I apparently carry around with me, which itself takes a lot of fuel to run.

Thank you if you read any of this. I'm going to go and do the best I can by myself, which starts with taking my medicine, which I can do right off today. Thank Goddess I don't have to "raw dog" this whole day with only the brain chemistry I was born with, or have since developed.

[foxyshadow]

I've been masking a lot recently. To an insane degree. Like I get home, and my extremities are cold from the amount of effort I've put in. And I've been damn good at it. I've been masking hard enough that it's like a mill stone just falls off me once I'm by myself. I don't let anyone see behind that in person.

I may share a little frustration or sadness when people ask, but no one really sees what's behind my eyes. Maybe it's the PTSD, but I learned how to hide behind a mask decades ago now. I'm damn good at it. Most people don't know my tells. And I don't let people learn them.

I'm the quiet rock of my community that people see at events, but I never go to people's homes. I've rarely gone on dates at all, even before covid. And I know why. I logically do. From a purely emotional standpoint, I have done enough harm to enough people that I genuinely don't feel like I deserve that happiness or that I can let people get that close. Logically, I know that the brick wall I put in place is going to be a hell of a lot of pain when it eventually comes down.

I know my depression and ptsd cocktail has me holding people at a distance. It's hard to truly want to change that. I know I have avoidant tendencies. I know that I'm very good at giving others advice on how to reach their own happiness. On motivating them. But I won't take my own advice. I won't let people get that close to me because, unlike those people, I don't have any belief in deserving that sort of life.

I used to listen to asmr roleplays and love it for the escapism to a happier world. Past tense. Now, even in fantasy, I'm angry. I imagine even pushing those characters away. Of being bitter and defeated. Of not wanting to be saved. There's a fatalism when it comes to my own life that's been a specter for a long time. Prior to the ending (and re-establishing) of my last relationship, I couldn't forgive myself for the harm I'd done. I couldn't articulate why I felt they were more capable of recovering than my first love. And then I caused harm again...and now there's another person that I can't ever forgive myself for harming.

I am capable of truly awful things. I can push people away from me. When I know them really well, I'll use every method at my disposal to keep them safe from me. At a certain point, when there's pushback and an unwillingness to go... sometimes, I will even hit at their emotional weak points. I'll use my intelligence and wound them so they won't think of me as worthwhile. And that sickens me about myself. I don't like to let people close to the wounded...thing that I am.

I'm so tired of being this wounded creature.

[batmanschmatman]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers♡

tysm for the ask!! I've been kind of bummed out lately so this is an important reminder that I should try to verbalize more of the good stuff that's going on re: being a human person, lol.

one: tea and sweets. I drink a lot of tea but I really love sitting down with a mug or cup with pot and a slice of cake or a scone or whatever. it feels like a special little treat even if it's just a couple digestive biscuits. I also like afternoon tea with savories too but I'm usually too lazy to make a whole spread myself.

two: casual cosplay. also regular cosplay, but I like finding excuses to get dressed up in more subtle ways because it's easier to pull off on the regular lol. I love wearing outfits that have references to stuff or are like functional pieces that look very obviously like a particular character's outfit or aesthetic. it does create closet space problems bc now I have things like a fuzzy princess mononoke vest from her universe that I rarely have reason to wear, but it makes me happy when I do wear it.

three: finally finding a thing you've been looking for for years on ebay/mercari/a thrift store/wherever. I have a lot of active collections and there is something so satisfying about finally!!!!! getting a piece you've been wanting forever but it's hard to find or usually quite expensive. I also love love love doing this for other people, like my brother broke his favorite mug - a long out of production dark blue disney mug with goofy on it - and being able to go online, keep an eye out for it and finally track it down was fantastic. one of my best friends collects nancy drew books and ephemera and I always send her pics of ones I find just in case its an edition she wants or something she's missing.

four: the fact that @heystovepipeboys has her 10 year green card!!!!! this is sort of silly bc she got it last year but the process was sooooo delayed because of covid and the department being understaffed and underfunded, so we were waiting and waiting and waiting and she had to take her passport everywhere and sometimes people wouldn't understand the documents she had proving she's a permanent resident. it still doesn't feel real that we're finally done with that whole process. if anyone ever has questions about the fiance visa process I am happy to give the rundown lol, 90 day fiance is not an accurate view of how simple the process is.

five: cats, I love cats. have never met a cat I don't like. they're all so funny and have such distinct personalities and weird rich inner lives despite their walnut sized brains. we have two cats and they're both weird little beasts and I love them. C:

[impossiblesuitcase]

hey! random question and idk if you have said this before but how long have you been in the lunar chronicles fandom/when did you first read the books? love your content btw!!🫶🫶

Aww thank you! No I've actually never said this before, I don't think anyone has asked.

So my sister actually read the Lunar Chronicles and bought all the books long before I did. Then in 2018 we were going on a road trip so we swapped books. I read the whole series and she never finished the book I gave her 😂.

If you scroll back to ye old days of my tumblr (and also pinterest) you'll find some reblogged tlc, so I've technically been in the fandom since 2018, but I wasn't writing or making content for it. I've been writing fanfic since 2017 for other fandoms.

Flash forward to 2020, I was debating the best order to read tlc, release date or internal chronology. I decided to re-read chronologically and also listened to the audiobooks. So I started writing fanfic for it in 2020, and the ideas start coming and they don't stop coming.

At some point my blog just transitioned into tlc. I still love other fandoms, but since probably 90% of my followers (excluding the porn bots🙄) are following me for tlc, I've kept my blog mostly to the series. It's been interesting to watch different tlc blogs come and go, new generations of fans and somehow I've managed to stay active throughout.

I love this series, but I do have to admit that one of the reasons I've stayed making content for it for years is that I haven't read any new series' that I've liked! What with libraries being closed for COVID, and me being so used to the familiarity of fanfiction, I just haven't committed to reading a new series. So if you guys have any recommendations for books as good as tlc, lemme know!

[millenniumcelebration]

thank you bestie @cajolions for the tag!!

Tag someone you want to get to know better! Or just check in with. Fall's a busy time of year.

Favorite color: red!! this is because i was obsessed with cirque du freak as a kid and mr. crepsley's favorite color is red so i said mine was too but genuinely i do like it a lot lol

Last song: umm i really only listen to music when i'm driving (i just got a "new" car and bluetooth is a game changer tbh. yes i am ten years late to any technology advancement)...i wanna say it was poor child from the wild party

Last movie: i almost never watch movies so i have been wracking my memory to try to figure this out. i'm pretty sure it was titanic a few months ago when my roommates were trying to find it online. so i lent them my dvd and stuck around to watch with them

Currently watching: star trek lower decks, call the midwife s11 (and apparently s12 just hit netflix so i'm really behind now oops), and i'm about to start the new taskmaster season while i have lunch! (or not, apparently it's not on youtube until 4pm and my usual alternate site isn't working. tragic.) oh, and my covid-induced saddle club rewatch that i need to go back to LOL

Other stuff I watched this year: i have not been super on the ball with media this year to be honest- i just haven't had much motivation for it. i'm always watching star trek so i guess strange new worlds and picard were both airing this year? i don't remember when the last taskmaster season was out? i've definitely watched assorted stuff on disney+ too (strange world and howard are the major ones i remember)

Shows I dropped this year: i don't think i've dropped any because i haven't really...started any...although dr who is making a return soon i guess and i'm genuinely not sure if i'll bother to watch it or not (though rtd2 has me so intrigued...what kind of trainwreck will we get and will it be funny)

Currently reading: i've actually been reading more than watching stuff this year! feels good. currently i'm on a gathering of shadows which is from some new adult series a coworker recommended- definitely not high art (and i'm annoyed that book 2 is starting to push the het romance that i was so relieved never went anywhere in book 1) but it's a fun magical world to read about without having to put too much thought into. i've also been reading the heart of our cities insanely slowly for the last year and i'm partway through a chronicles of narnia (re)read because i never read all of them in order as a kid. and technically i was reading game of thrones book 2 but it's just so fucking long i could not summon the willpower to continue, but i might go back to it eventually

i'm tagging @hot-cocoa-daydream and if anyone else reads all this and wants to pretend i tagged you feel free lmao

[lumberjackloverboy-moved]

Re: wtf is going on in the UK.

This is LONG. TWs: sexual assault mention, conversion therapy mention (brief), ableism/transphobia/racism mentions, COVID, death mention (brief).

I'm unfortunate enough to live on the hell island so:

Boris Johnson, PM, massive cunt. Hated by everyone including the people who voted for him, he took over following Theresa May's resignation (who took over after the previous guy's resignation too because no PM wants to even touch the whole Brexit mess because the whole thing is a political and logistical nightmare).

Boris fucks up a whole bunch. First he fucks up Brexit more than anyone thought possible, getting the UK the absolute least amount of anything because he's so far up his own arse that he can't accept that sometimes, other countries give stuff to each other as exchanges. Wild stuff.

He cuts benefits to lower classes, raises prices, all the usual evil Tory bullshit. ("tory" uk slang for "conservative", specially the conservative party, which is kind of like our version of republicans). Life for almost all classes gets objectively worse under his regime, but particularly for minorities (as fucking always). I'm trans and disabled myself and he: cut benefits for disabled people, refused to review the Gender Equality Act (the only thing allowing trans ppl to transition/be recognized legally, super outdated and in desperate need of review), and refused to ban conversion therapy for trans people. He's also INCREDIBLY racist (what a shock) and has passed bills that essentially make it legal for immigrants to be locked up without trial. At one point there was a plan in place to abduct immigrants, put them on a plane and ship them to Rwanda rather than allow them to live here. I wish I was joking - the European Human Rights Council literally had to step in to tell Boris that no you can't just fucking do that to people wtf.

Then covid hits and Boris fucks up so unbelievably badly that it's been deemed criminally negligible. Refusing to go into lockdown, easing lockdown too early, refusing to fire members of Parliament who broke lockdown rules, refusing extra funding to the NHS to help them deal with the crisis, etc. Etc. If I listed everything this would be a novel. At one point, it was advised by healthcare experts that a lockdown should take place over Christmas (coz winter = more infections) at which point Boris said and I quote "let the bodies pile high". As in he'd rather the "bodies pile high" than go into quarantine.

During this time, there are also a number of sex scandals - Boris' marriages (plural) fall apart because he cannot for the life of him stop cheating, and multiple Tory MPs (members of Parliament) are caught in sexual harassment scandals. Boris handles these extremely poorly, attempting to brush them under the rug.

Aug 2020, the Tories under Boris' leadership refuse to allow funding to pass that would provide free meals to impoverished children. Luckily the whole country freaked the fuck out over this (funny enough even the most bigoted far-righters generally don't want children to starve to death) and they changed their mind. Still, the initial decision and the fact that it was only repealed after the public reacted was. NOT popular to say the least.

THEN a little while later it turns out that Boris attended and hosted a bunch of parties at No. 10 during quarantine. Since he was the one enforcing quarantines, this hugely tips the country against him - especially since his initial reaction is a continuously-unbelievable string of lies. It started with "There were no parties", but then photos of parties were uncovered. Then it was "The parties weren't at my place and I didn't know about them", photos of parties specifically at No. 10 (his literal house) were uncovered. Then it was "Ok yes the parties were at my place but I didn't go to them I just stayed upstairs whilst the party was downstairs " (bruh. Fucking what.) Photos emerge of Boris AT A PARTY in his house because of COURSE he was there, at which point he panics because his lies have bitten him in the arse and gives out a halfhearted apology.

This "apology" is followed by a scheme he sets up with his most trusted followers to save his dead reputation. The scheme was uncovered (unfortunately for him) and it was called "Operation Save Big Dog" im fucking dying he called himself big dog what a sad pathetic man lmaoo

Anyways. Basically, everyone hates him and the Tory government enact something called a "Vote Of No Confidence". It's them saying "yes he's the leader of our party but we all hate him too". Normally, a PM or party leader resigns after one of these (not much point being in charge if even the rest of your own fuckin party all hate you), but Boris is a sad wet leaf who can't accept defeat so he refuses.

Tensions build, everything is kind of a mess politically. The opposing party, Labour, is run by a man who has never made a decision in his life and is essentially unelectable, but nobody knows how it's gonna work if Boris doesn't step down. Nobody is happy, and life gets progressively worse for another few months.

Then.

The breaking point.

Another sexual assault. This time, Tory MP Chris Pincher, who has had a NUMBER of allegations of assault before and was only IN parliament because Boris insisted on re-hiring him, is caught assaulting two people after he got drunk on a night out. He is only there because Boris claims he, and I quote, "forgot" about his previous assaults.

This is the final straw. On Tuesday 5th July 2022, within the space of an hour, two of the most powerful and prominent politicians in parliament (whole lotta Ps but you get me) quit. Specifically, the Health Secretary Sajid Javid and the Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak. So the guys at the HEADS of the departments in charge of the country's Healthcare and Money both quit, within minutes of one another, and one of them does it live on TV.

These resignations trigger a whole shit ton more; within the next 24 hours, over 40 MPs resign - the previous record was 6 resignations in 24hrs and that was decades ago.

Since Tuesday when this all started, over 60 people (around 1/6th of the entire Tory government) has quit, including highly important Cabinet positions that essentially means the country currently has no government leaders.

Boris finally, FINALLY admits defeat. He announces his resignation on 8th July 2022 with all the dignity and grace of pile of wet dogshit falling out a broken doggiebag and slopping onto the pavement. He's publicly and privately humiliated (as he SHOULD be). He's currently saying he'll leave in a couple of months so they have time to find his replacement- most people are pretty sure it's just so he can use government funding to pay for a fancy wedding party he wants to host in a few weeks.

And that's what's happened in the UK right now. The United Kingdom is on the brink of collapse (I'm Irish, FUCKING MANIFESTING🌟💫❤️🌟💫❤️💫), the government HAS collapsed, the UK is currently left with no government leaders, no political party in charge, and no Prime Minister. The Tory government has officially burned itself down after years of bullshit, and now we're waiting for the fire to go out so we can see how the fuck to pick up the pieces.

I, and everyone else who hates the Tories (which is most of the country at this point, including those who voted Tory to begin with), am sat back with popcorn watching the motherfucker burn. Hope he dies lol

holy. fucking. shit.

[turbro]

In the rearview, Chibnall's era of Doctor Who had a lot of problems that are partly his fault and partly the network.

His plots are overstuffed and hamfisted, he has too many characters and plot threads running at once so it never feels like anything is escalating, de-escalating, resolved, or deepened. I don't personally mind what he's done with The Lore but I know a lot of people are mad about it (just wait 10 years, it'll get retconned again, it always does).

The explicit denial of the lesbian kiss I'll chalk up to BBC, he worked on Torchwood after all. The asinine scheduling was COVID partly and Network mostly, meaning I'm having trouble keeping these overstuffed plots in mind long enough to care about the next episode (a YEAR between two episodes after 5 months between them prior to that is fucking insane)

But damn, the cylinders the show is firing on are great.

Once the characters got some screen time and breathing room they became more likable than anyone from Moffat era (except maybe Gomez-Master [i refuse to call her mistress] and Bill), it was nice to have a Doctor who actually gave a shit about the people around her again, outside of their Place in the Puzzle. The CG and costume design is really fun to look at, and I appreciate the rough, old, re-re-re-used look of all the Doctor's tech as opposed to the very Sleek And New look that Capaldi had which always rubbed me wrong.

When Chibnall is forced to introduce and wrap up something in one episode he's great at it, but he didn't really get to do that too much and it shows.

[primordialness]

cw: sadposting; gets into some childhood and sibling baggage but not too deep in the weeds; also chronic pain

If you follow me on more than one app, I am Sorry, you *will* see repeated content! But I have another thing to complain about.

Yesterday, I decided I needed to journal about some sister baggage I have. I realized something important: I have always (and often in unfair ways) wanted and expected her to take my side, to stand up for me, to choose me. I've wanted this from many people--to be willing to tell the people who hurt me that it wasn't okay. It's a whole childhood trauma replay thing.

I went to write her a letter about it that I likely will not send, because I have serious problems with her as a person even outside the problems I have with her as a sister. But I realized two things:

1. Rather than making it a blanket expectation, part of me would like to ask her: *do you feel like fighting the generational trauma with me? Because I feel like we could do it--for your kids--if we worked together.* But... I was parentified. I was basically gifted a savior complex in a handbasket with a pretty bow. How can I ask her to fix this when I don't even know how to judge what is and isn't my responsibility to fix? -> that's a therapy question; I am getting it next week.

2. Then I realized... I'm not even choosing me. I'm not prioritizing my own needs. I've had phases where I prioritized one or two at a time, but overall... I am not choosing me, and therefore, I am not showing anyone that I'm worth choosing.

I committed to fixing that. I re-dedicated myself to my sleep schedule, I did yoga so my back would feel better today, and I planned to go to the grocery store today to get some slightly "better" food (that is, food that makes my body feel good; it is not a moral choice).

... and after a totally restless night, I woke up in worse pain than I've felt in years. Every muscle was stiff as a board. Every joint achey. I couldn't get myself out of bed.

At midday, I remembered that ibuprofen exists. I am quite dumb. I took some. It helped a bit.

Took some more later and took a very long Epsom salt bath... but it wasn't really helping enough. I could tell that the ibuprofen was just holding back the flood.

And I was just so fucking disappointed. Here I was, working on my mental health, choosing myself, taking care of my needs... and my body was fighting against me. So fucking disappointing.

But then, the final realization......

y'all, I got my fucking COVID booster *AND* a tetanus shot yesterday. Two things that BOTH CAUSE MUSCLE SORENESS AND STIFFNESS.

I thought I'd totally backtracked on all the progress I'd made on my chronic pain in the past couple of years, but... NOPE. I JUST GOT OUCHIE POKES.

*sigh* getting better is hard. But I'm getting better.

(A memory appears--my ex's last words to me, a twist of the knife: "Please do. Your 'worst' just got worse. Goodnight and goodbye, V.")

(Fuck off, you fucking melodramatic asshole.)