#reflecting on the past is so interesting they got a LOT wrong but some parts were damn better

[samaspic31]

im so fucking mad about capitalism's devaluation of manual labor (especially financial, hi raise the fucking wages) and expectation to outsource labor, leading to dire exploitation (everyone is exploited, but manual workers especially AND don't get compensated for the toll on their body AND get looked down on unlike white collar workers, all that because making intellectual products is worth 10 times more money i fucking guess). The average person used to have so many more practicak skills and we used to know how make so much more stuff, having people cook, clean, take care of your children and sew for you was the height of luxury for a wealthy woman, depending so much on buying to substain your lifestyle was reserved to the extremely wealthy. People were expected to hold more basic skills outside of a hyperspecific field of their career like today and were allowed to spend time on broad and practical knowledge, and today schools do not even out the playing field because it's still mostly theoric regurgitation (which great, but give all the youngsters a cooking, crafting and sewing class and teach them accounting im begging) making people into highly specific tools relying on buying most of what they don't even think they can make, because disempowered. (this is linked to capitalist shaming of perceived failure and beginners and imperfection but that's a whole other can of worms)

Like for example it was just a given painters made their own paint (or started by making it for their mentor, any way they were taught how), it was considered a necessary first step, a way to understand your medium, and a way no to depend on anyone else or a corporation, and i think a lot of artists are missing that step of having to spend effort on the medium itself. I don't know how my graphic tablet works and i can't make acrylic paint and that's a shame

Like it was always normal for the already rich to leave all physical work to exploited workers but today it's everyone else's case too (at least in the economic north), making your own stuff is a counterculture thing, and even poverty or being an exploited worker eats so much of time that it makes it so buying is necessary and stuff made with exploited labor the only affordable option, fucking vicious cycle

there were deep inequalities with how the teaching of those skills were segregated, which was for which gender and social class, im not saying it was universally good, and women were expected to accumulate way more skills just to do all the managing of a household AND get that labor devalued, just, urgh, it was considered important to know at least i guess

also the birth of packaging and the rise of single use plastic+ worldwide transport of goods is heavily linked to this and a consequence of a global economic boom but it's still a fucking disaster-

anyways buy a s little new shit in as little packaging as you can and fuck corporations

[ask-whitepearl-and-steven]

I admire your patience with those readers who need you to spoon feed them the story. Everything is in the comics but they still manage to go pass it. I can't help but feel a bit sad for them? Do they not understand what they read? Are they not attentive when reading it? I'm legitimately concerned because I function so differently I can't fathom this. If you like a story, isn't it normal to make your best to grasp it's essence and reflect on it? I know I project a lot about this, everyone works and registers things differentely of course but sometimes it's very frustrating to see people consume any media and just completely miss all the important messages in it, or even just fail to get the scenario sometimes, and it feels like it's very common now... Idk I just wanted maybe to have your perspective on this? Sorry for the long post (Been here for a few years now and your a true inspiration to me. All my luv to you! ❤️)

You know, I'm gonna be honest. I used to stress out about this... a LOT.

As a story-brained person, this is definitely something that comes naturally to me, and perhaps to you, and to many other people who are wired similarly. To us, following the path of a story in an analytic, highly detail-motivated manner and unwrapping the themes can be as exciting as lifting up a rock to see the bugs underneath. It's an exciting mental activity that's stimulating and feels effortless.

And yes, as an author who spends literally 60% of my day thinking about this comic and how to draw it, panel it, script it, make it better (I script and panel in my head constantly)........ I have trouble realizing/dealing with the fact that some people are just here to CASUALLY enjoy the story that I am lowkey obsessed with.

But I've come to realize that... that's NORMAL! And healthy.

People have different attention spans for different things.

People have varied ways to read a story and engage with it.

People have unique interests.

People don't have the same amounts of energy to devote to reading!

Maybe someone missed a detail I lovingly and painstakingly put into the dialogue because they're reading the update late at night after a long shift at work. And maybe someone scrolled past the dialogue completely and just got the gist from looking at the art, because they're in a hurry to get to practice at their favorite sportsball.

And maybe someone just had a really bad day with a really bad encounter, and they're reading the update in a terrible mood and instead of seeing MY grey-morality narrative, they're focusing on all the negative points and misread the vibes because of their own biases that stem from places of hurt.

The thing is, I have to be okay with that as an author, because I will NEVER be able to get into my audience's heads and read this comic 'correctly' for my own sake.

They will always have a slightly different interpretation of things, and they will always misunderstand details and miss clues. And sometimes, they will be wrong about the way they read a character's motivations... and sometimes maybe they won't be! That's just a part of communication. That's a part of telling a story.

An imperfect delivery, and an imperfect reception should, in my opinion, be a natural and accepted part of storytelling. We're human, and we all have a different lived experience, and we will ALL have different takes on a comic, even if it's so close that we THINK we are both getting the exact same thing. That small human interpretation variation is a home-made touch that makes it feel more organic.

In short.... Not all light particles make it here from the sun, but damn the result is stunning anyway.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

a brief retrospective on Louis and Violet as love interests, Clementine's bisexuality, and the fandom's continued insistence on fighting over this

In December of 2019, I made a series of posts called "An Explanation of Why Louis and Violet are Both Excellent Love Interests" that explored my feelings on the topic after seeing a lot of fighting in the fandom over who's better; who is the "right" choice for Clementine?

The answer is simple: there isn't an objectively correct choice.

I compared Louis and Violet to the romantic options in other games, including Life is Strange, Persona 4, King's Quest 2015, and Catherine, as well as TWDG: A New Frontier. I wanted to show how much better TFS handled the romance versus those games, why we should be grateful for what we got since it could've been a lot worse, and how the fighting over who's "right" was a waste of time.

I suppose it's only fitting that I'd be driven to revisit this topic after seeing fans continue to argue amongst themselves over this years later in the trenches of a weakening fandom.

Just when I think I'm done writing pieces for TWDG, some random redditor writes an essay about how violentine only exists for "woke points" that grabs me by the throat and throws me down. Then another will insist that clouis is abusive since Louis voted against them in ep2 in their own essay and I'm dragged back here, kicking and screaming.

While I think my previous Excellent Love Interests posts about this are on the juvenile side, I do still agree with my main point: Louis and Violet are excellent characters who make for compelling love interests. The fact that we got them both, that we were given the choice, and that they're as well done as they are, is something I don't think we appreciate enough. Hell, I don't think we even appreciate that Clementine's a canonically bisexual protagonist as much as we should.

We're too busy trying to one up each other with, "Well, actually, clouis is superior because of this and this," and "no, you're wrong, violentine is actually better because of this and this," and sometimes a wild non-shipper will appear out of nowhere to slap down an, "actually, you both suck, singletine is better."

It's sad that this is what fandom inevitably defaults to, always. It stops being about the game we love, the thing that brought us here, and it becomes a pissing match.

Doesn't matter what fandom it is; we end up projecting too much of ourselves onto fictional characters, investing too much of our time into ship culture, hyper-fixating until it becomes part of us... and let's be real, sometimes it's in unhealthy ways.

So, when someone else attacks the things we're attached to, it becomes a personal attack... and when we feel threatened, we become defensive and retaliate... and sometimes, we take it too far and target others out of insecurity, to feel validated, even if it means going after someone who is just minding their own business.

Also, I think some people are just assholes who want to piss on everyone.

Because of this, I would like to discuss Louis and Violet as romanceable characters, why they're both important to TFS no matter who you choose, why Clementine being a bisexual protagonist matters, and the fandom's continued insistence on fighting over this.

For many personal reasons, I've always been trepid about being open with my sexuality as a bi woman. I've done a lot of reflection this year on why that is; internalized misogyny, the biphobia that lingers in the queer community, insecurities, regrets, how I tend to be harsher on female characters over male characters, why it took me so long to not feel afraid of engaging with queer media, admitting I was wrong about so many things I've said in the past, how it's all affected my writing, etc.

When TFS released and I made this blog, I had already accepted my bisexuality but was in no way public about it, not online or in my personal life. But playing the first two episode of TFS, being presented with both Louis and Violet as potential romantic partners struck something inside of me.

Yes, I picked Louis; we all know I'm a major clouis shipper at this point, and if you're new here, then now you know, too.

But it's the fact that Violet's also an option, that with just a few different button presses, Clementine could've fallen for her just as she did with Louis; that there's evidence in game that she shows interested in both of them no matter your choices; that no one in-game judges Clementine for who she chooses to be with... that meant something to me in a way that it hadn't before.

TFS wasn't the first game I played with a bi protagonist; in Excellent Love Interests, I compared Louis and Violet to Life is Strange's Chloe and Warren. I have a lot of mixed feelings about the first LiS game overall, but I've been quite open about my dislike of Chloe and indifference to Warren.

Chloe, to me, is everything I dislike in a love interest, predominately in wlw. 2023 was the year of "CJ dives into sapphic literature and it's a 50/50 chance of striking gold or gettin' hella eaten by disappointment, shaka brah." Meaning I've read a lot of wlw novels, and all the ones I hated featured a Chloe clone, sometimes done even worse.

And Warren? I'll be real honest with you- I couldn't even remember what his name was when I started writing this. I had to go back and check. That tells you what I think of him, no?

So, LiS didn't strike me the same way. Sure, I knew Max was a bi protagonist and that's great, but the choices weren't appealing to me. This was when I was a teenager still somewhat in denial of my sexuality, which most definitely contributed to me being uncomfortable when faced with a wlw relationship portrayed in-game, especially when I found myself wishing Kate was an option for Max... but y'know, "shhhhhhh if I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist."

When the first episode of TFS released, I was older, I was no longer in a not-so-great relationship, and had better accepted who I am. The first episode does a great job of introducing you to Louis and Violet, and giving you the opportunity to spend more time with the one you're interested in.

I actually really liked them both when ep1 dropped, but I've always had a preference for a character who is kind, deflects with humor, and tends to be picked on by the rest of the cast... so it was inevitable that I'd stick with Louis. Though I won't discredit Violet in ep1, or the rest of the game, just because I didn't choose her in the end.

That's one of the best things about Louis and Violet as options; they're opposites, yet alike in many ways. They have their appeals and charms. They're flawed. It never feels like a "love triangle" situation where they're fighting over Clementine. Louis and Violet are friends who have known each other from before the walkers came. It's refreshing to have two characters who are interested in the same person but don't go for each other's throats over it. When they do argue over her, it's more to do with AJ shooting Marlon and whether it's safe for the group to let them stay.

I can't fault anyone who struggled to pick between them. When someone talks about who they picked and why, it's all about the player's preferences.

It's your choice to make, and no matter what, you're not wrong for it.

This season concludes Clementine's story, regardless of what some comics will say. It's the last fight. It's her happy ending. She and AJ finally found a home, a family.

I've played these games since S1 came out in 2012, over ten years ago. Clementine holds a special place in my heart. Not only did this important character have a great final season [despite Telltale shutting down and TFS nearly being left incomplete, remember] but she's also revealed to be canonically bisexual.

They didn't release the whole season and then as an afterthought be like, "oh yeah btw she's bi, she has oneline of flirty dialogue with this character so see? we did good rep."

Yeah, I'm side eyeing you, ANF.

They didn't try to hide it. They presented it to the player unapologetically and made a conscious decision to exclude anything biphobic from other characters... which meant a lot to me.

Biphobia is real and it's not that I don't want it explored well in media, but there's something appealing and safe about a game with a bisexual main character who isn't questioned about it negatively; "You're bi? Doesn't that mean you cheat on all your partners?"

To give a compliment to Life is Strange: True Colors, I had a similar feeling in that game, too. Alex is openly bi, she can date either Steph or Ryan and no one questions the "legitimacy" of her bisexuality.

Because that's always a thing on top of everything else, y'know? "You're a bad bi unless you're with the 'gayer option.'" "Bisexuality isn't real, you're just confused." "I don't date girls who've been tainted by a man." "Oh, you're into girls? How about a threesome?"

Violet never turns her nose up at Clementine for admitting she had a crush on Gabe. Louis isn't ever gross about Clementine and Violet getting close. It speaks volumes for their characters and how accepting they, and everyone else at Ericson, are of Clementine no matter who she chooses, if anyone.

That acceptance, even if it's just in a game, means more than words can express to queer players who don't feel that acceptance in their daily lives.

Which means it hurts all the more when it comes to the fandom's own display of biphobia; "You're bi but ship clouis? Why ship something hetero when violentine is right there?" "Well, MY Clementine's straight because she picked Louis! Stop forcing the gay onto MY Clementine!"

Clementine's important to all of us. Why do you think so many people are pissed about the comics to the point of spewing disgusting bile toward Tillie Walden? I've said my piece on that plenty times before, so allow me to say it on this; the representation of bisexuality in Clementine is beautifully woven through TFS in ways that are subtle yet impactful, and I thank TFS for giving that to us.

One argument I've come across recently against Clementine's bisexuality, and violentine in general: "blegh they only included violentine/made Clem bi for lgbt points." y'know... as if that's a bad thing.

It bothers me because A. saying "I'm not homophobic *but*-" and then making a homophobic argument against violentine while insisting that Clementine's bisexuality came out of nowhere and was forced is icky, and B. I know I've said similar things about violentine in the past. I know I used to argue that violentine's underdeveloped, yet the devs pushed it to the forefront over clouis to pat themselves on the back for doing representation, etc.

I don't believe that anymore; remember when I brought up people making arguments out of insecurity? Yeah, that and being lowkey bitter that violentine got more dev attention than clouis sometimes even though like... that doesn't matter? It literally doesn't matter. That's what I meant when I said you get so invested that certain things feel like a personal attack when they're not.

Some of the developers of TFS are queer people. They probably wanted a bi protagonist with a wlw option because that representation is important to them and they had the opportunity to express it, not because they were trying to get "points" with anyone. Go listen to the commentaries for TFS; they talk about violentine with nothing but positivity, and they didn't do that to shade Louis or clouis shippers. And if you do think they did it shade fans, then maybe stop and consider why; do you actually believe that or are you annoyed that your fave wasn't the center of attention?

On the flip side, I also want to say that gloating and insisting that violentine is the better/right choice because of these things is also unpleasant and untrue. It sucks when it feels like things are biased against you and it sucks even more when that bias is weaponized by other fans to beat you down.

But honestly? If you need this much validation on your opinions about fictional characters, maybe you should stop to think about why that is and what it says about you, yeah?

Truly, this whole clouis versus violentine thing is irritating at best, vile at worse. Thankfully it doesn't happen as much on tumblr given the state of the fandom, and everyone's at least agreed that no matter their feelings toward each other, clemricca is worse. So, that's something, I guess.

I think the best way I can put this is you don't get to dictate what other people think and feel. Being passionate is great until it becomes an excuse to be an asshole. Not everyone is going to agree with you and you need to put your big kid pants on and accept that.

I'm under no impression that the fighting will ever stop, even when this fandom is dried up with only bones and memories haunting its desert... but at the very least, I can point some of it out and ask that we do better than this.

The focus gets lost in the fighting, and that focus is Louis and Violet themselves. Y'know, the two this retrospective's about.

Remember when I talked about Persona 4 in Excellent Love Interests and how much it sucks when the person you want to romance isn't actually an option--?

Hmm? What's that? Ah, yes, right- @pi-creates insists I add that TFS and Persona 4 actually are the same because Aasim wasn't an option and they're still bitter about that... but this isn't about Aasim, that's a topic for another day. Sorry Pi, but thanks for the screenshots used in this retrospective👍

Anyway, TFS gave us two excellent choices, and it would've been worse off had it only given us one of them, or none at all.

Louis wears charisma as a mask and uses humor as a shield to deflect. Violet, for as quiet and standoffish as she first appears, has a heart she's both eager and reluctant to share.

Louis is warm curtains of sunlight seeping through the murmuring woods of green leaves and little song birds. A heart carved into the rustic wood of an out-of-tune piano. Music echoing in the early morning hallways.

Violet is the glow of a full moon that illuminates still waters so the stars can dance in its reflection. Paint smeared over finger tips to offer a piece of herself meant to be worn. Constellations of stars named in secret.

They're both lonely people, often misunderstood by the others at Ericson, and sometimes by each other. They want to be known. They want to be seen.

But fear is a powerful wall to overcome.

And that's the beauty of choice. You get the impression of knowing them in the beginning, but it rarely breaks surface tension; Louis is nice and funny but undependable, Violet's rude and reserved and a little awkward. Neither are outspoken about any issues around Ericson, content to keep their heads down.

Clementine has to make the effort to know them, and the game establishes this by asking you an unassuming question: do you want to go hunting with Louis or fishing with Violet?

Clementine either makes an effort to understand Violet's feelings toward Brody and why she's so mean to her, and try to help her through it... or she doesn't listen to what Violet's saying, is dismissive, and ends up making things worse.

When Clementine goes hunting with Louis, she has to make the decision to spend time with him or ignore him in favor of hunting, and should she choose him, he opens up to her just a bit.

Then comes the confrontation with Marlon at the end of the episode where Clementine has to make the choice of who to appeal to. The gravity of this choice is often glossed over, I think.

Marlon has a gun pointed at her head, and she pleas for Louis or Violet to step in and save her. Both are hesitant because of course they are! They've known Marlon longer, he has a gun, and he's using manipulation to scare them into submission; he uses his friendship against Louis, and Minerva against Violet.

But when Clementine gets through to them? They stand between her and Marlon in rather in-character ways; Louis eases in with his hands up, attempting to deescalate the situation while Violet pulls out a weapon and demands he back off.

They risked getting shot. They risked death. They knew what was happening was wrong. They didn't want Clementine to die, they didn't fully believe Marlon's bullshit but were too scared to step forward until Clementine asked them, too. In that moment she basically told them, "I trust you. Instinct tells me you are the one who can stop this. My life is in your hands."

This choice changes them, and this moment ripples through the rest of the season. It makes perfect sense that Louis would be upset over Marlon's death and feel unsafe with Clementine and AJ there whereas Violet sees the death as justified and Clementine and AJ shouldn't be kicked out over it. It's an overwhelming situation for everyone.

I've talked about ep2 and the vote until my lungs nearly collapsed and I saw the gates of Hell over the horizon... but that's fine, I can talk a little more about it and maybe this time the flames with cleanse me of my sins or something.

This is where the fighting really began, and I shouldn't have to say it again, but I will anyway: There isn't an objectively correct answer here, there's only personal preference.

Louis and Violet take very clear, opposite stances on this situation. I think they're both a little wrong and a little right; they shouldn't ignore that AJ killed Marlon, but kicking them out isn't the best solution either.

As a clouis shipper, I happen to like the way these events play out with Louis' vote. But not everyone feels that way. For some, Louis' vote is a deal breaker, making Violet the more appealing option given she voted for Clementine and AJ to stay.

Do you want a girl that's been by Clementine's side from the beginning and was vocal about keeping her and AJ here?

Great, Violet's the choice for you. Enjoy the lovely moonlight and constellation mini-game.

Do you want the extra angst of a boy who made a vote he comes to regret and then does everything he can to apologize and make it up to Clementine?

Wonderful, here's Louis. He'll play you a song he wrote and then name it after Clementine, it's very cute.

While on the topic of ep2, I also want to discuss the episode's final choice of saving either Louis or Violet and the consequences.

You know how in other games, say like massive RPG's with "good" and "evil" choices you can make that end up defining your character? You know how sometimes people question why developers even bothered putting those evil routes in since a majority of people will choose to be good? This isn't a new topic of discussion, but it's relevant to my point- they do it because the option to be evil makes the choice to be good more impactful. If you do choose to be evil, you did it knowing you could've been good and yet you decided chaos was the way to go, and now everyone and everything around your character suffers.

I don't think it only applies to binary "good" versus "evil" choices, either.

TWDG is great with its "You can only save one of them" choices, even if they usually fumble with the consequences in later episodes.

When I'm faced with this choice to save either Louis or Violet, I don't save Louis just because I like him more. Sure, initially that's why I saved him on my first run... but then the rest of the season came out and I learned the consequences of the choices I did and didn't make.

Knowing that he'll get his tongue cut out if I don't save him makes me all the more anxious to choose him. And I know violentine shippers are gutted knowing that if they don't save her, she'll feel so betrayed that she turns on Clementine and in the end is blinded in the boat explosion, so they're just as eager to save her.

But all of us have to live with the consequences of what happens to the one we didn't save, too. We made the decision to save the one we love at the cost of hurting the other we didn't love enough. You can't save them both. You're forced to hurt one of them in order to protect the other.

And it doesn't even stop there. TFS isn't done twisting the knife.

Mere moments before you have to make the choice to save one of them, Lilly's standing over Clementine with her finger on the trigger... only to then be tackled by the person you didn't choose to spend time with.

They just saved Clementine's life only to be dragged away by their neck, and the game asks you what that's worth: They got captured saving you, so do you save them in return or do you remain loyal to the one you chose before?

And when you know the consequences of both routes, when you know Louis will have his tongue cut out and Violet will have her eyes burned?

Louis and Violet are good people at their cores who only wanted to be understood and loved, and no matter what, you have to abandon one of them for the other... and they are left physically and mentally traumatized because of it.

But wait, there's more. The one you didn't save will always survive to the end and act as a constant reminder of what you chose... but the one you saved? If you don't trust AJ, then you'll be forced to watch them get torn apart and eaten alive by a herd of walkers. The only way to save them is to trust AJ so that he shoots Tenn.

A child has to die in order for you to save the one you love again, a choice you indirectly made.

The ending shows you the one you didn't save, and it shows you Tenn's grave... and it presents a quiet question: was it worth it?

Would you make those choices again?

That's the power Louis and Violet bring to TFS.

That's why the choice matters.

We justify trusting AJ because we'd rather see Louis and Violet live over Tenn, knowing we're taking away the best friend AJ's ever had and allowing Minerva to get her way. We save Louis knowing that it breaks something inside of Violet and results in her permanently losing most of her eyesight. We save Violet knowing that we'll find Louis bloody and sobbing in the cell after having his tongue cut out of his mouth.

And we argue about it amongst ourselves even though it's all fucked. There isn't a true happy ending here, not for everyone.

Louis and Violet stand on their own as great characters, but you only get the true depth depending on how you play. They're excellent love interests because they care for Clementine. Through their relationship with her, they grow as people and find the acceptance and love they're starved for.

It's not perfect, but it honestly doesn't need to be. There was care woven into these characters. Both routes have a wide appeal. That means something to so many people.

I know we as fans often will say we wanted more, we wanted this and that, we wish this was different. It's not a dating sim where the main objective is to woo them. It's not a massive RPG with hundreds of hours to explore every nook and cranny of their characters. This is a Telltale game. It's a narrative with Clementine and AJ at the forefront, and it's up to you whether you want Louis or Violet to share that spotlight.

It's a story about Clementine finding a home, about molding what kind of survivor AJ comes. It's about Clementine meeting two broken people with glass shards at their feet, about her glass mixing with theirs. It's a game about choice; which glass pieces do you pick up, and which do you step on?

We should take more time to appreciate Louis and Violet. We should share our appreciation for the development team for giving us a bisexual lead with two great love interests, especially since we almost didn't get TFS in its entirety; we can hate Skybound as much as we want for the Clementine comics, but without them, this team wouldn't have been able to finish the game they were clearly passionate about.

We should have more self-awareness and try to understand why we like and dislike things without targeting others.

In conclusion?

I think they're both neat 👍

[little-pondhead]

Eyes Of The Past - OLD CH. 1

Part 2

[TW: swearing, mentions of death, sickness, and general spookiness.]

...

Danny was used to seeing the dead. He was one of them, actually. People have been dying for thousands of years and will continue to die for thousands more. Hearing the whispers of people who should have passed on was nothing unusual, even if it gave him an uncomfortable sense of wrongness.

Maybe that’s why he didn’t like Gotham City.

Don’t get him wrong! Gotham was a lovely place to live; if you were psychotic. But the gothic architecture that never seemed to crumble, the visible smog that settled over the skies like a thick blanket, and the acidic aftertaste the water had were just enough to make Danny uncomfortable as he trekked through the streets. It had just rained, and the random sounds of water dripping off buildings made him flinch. Puddles kept reflecting the surroundings unusually. The smell of wet asphalt was heavy in the air, nothing like the freshness of Amity’s rain.

He felt itchy and weird in his skin, like something was trying to burn it off. It was just past three am, and Danny had just gotten off his split shift at some high-end nightclub. The Iceberg Lounge, or something like that. He’d gotten a job as a busboy since he was too young to work as a bouncer or bartender. Honestly, he was lucky they let him have a job at all. He took every shift he could, sometimes going over the legal limit of what a minor was allowed to work.

His boss allowed it, however. On a few conditions.

Listen in on the customers and report anything interesting to management. Danny was tiny, way too small for his age of sixteen. But he was great at making himself unnoticeable, which allowed him to keep his ears open for exciting deals and whatnot that were going around. He didn’t feel good about the work, but it kept food on the table. So far, the worst he’s reported was a plan to move against Red Hood and his gang. It wasn't ideal, but Danny could put up with the prying eyes and greedy hands so long as he got paid on time.

Oh, but the dead? They were so much worse.

The dead always noticed him. And they always talked to him. He could barely think straight with all the ghouls, specters, shades, and other souls that always clamored for his attention. Gotham’s dark atmosphere bred hundreds of angry souls who refused to move on until their business was finished. But without a steady source of ectoplasm or a natural portal, most of them stayed as shadows of their former selves. They stuck to the city's underbelly, brewing in anger and making the town sicker than it already was. Some of them, the stronger ones with a real bone to pick, chose to haunt the living, clinging to a person’s back and leeching off their life energy. Those were the ones Danny had to deal with the most in Gotham.

It was horrible. Everything was just so sad and angry! The city had a lot of fucked-up people living here, and the worst of them had so many shades sticking to them. They all wanted something. It made Danny feel like he was always having an allergy attack. The city just messed his senses up in the worst way possible. Danny would gladly be living anywhere else if it wasn’t for his need to hide and survive.

Kill them. Danny shivered as he turned a corner, and a shadow reached out to stick to his shoulder, whispering filthy words into his ear. Kill them for me. He brushed the spirit off, ignoring their hiss. His back ached, and his head throbbed. Danny just wanted to climb into the shit hole he called home and fall asleep on the thin futon he’d shoved into a corner.

So he did.

Danny climbed the rickety fire escape up to his apartment as quietly as possible (the main staircase was out of order) and shimmied himself through the broken window that never opened all the way. His backpack was stored under his futon, in the floorboards, and he collapsed without changing his clothes.

Maybe tomorrow’s shift will be better. He thought, closing his eyes.

…

It was not better. His next shift was as shitty as all the others.

“Take this to the east balcony on the second floor.” Danny’s supervisor for the night, Tamia, shoved a heavy tray laden with beer bottles and fancy cocktails into his hands, pointing vaguely to the staircase he’d have to use. It was only thanks to Danny’s ghost strength that he didn’t collapse under the weight.

“Isn’t that where the boss is?” He asked, squinting past the bright lights, barely making out the short outline of Oswald Cobblepot as he talked up some rough-looking characters.

Tamia nodded, distracted. She was already back to whipping up complicated drinks and barking orders at the other servers. “Yeah, so don’t fuck this up. In and out, ya hear?”

“Got it, Tam.”

She waved him off, and he began the rough journey to the second floor, skirting around the edges of the packed tables, avoiding the odd penguin, and taking careful steps up the staircase, floating just barely above the floor to make sure he didn’t slip. Guests and other workers ignored him, but their shades reached out, caressing him in a way that made him want to squirm. He couldn’t shake them off, not while he was carrying the tray.

She killed me, one whispered as a lady dressed in diamonds passed.

I was drugged, said another when a burly older man walked by.

Danny pressed close to the walls as a group meandered on by. My teddy bear! A little girl’s voice cried out, and he couldn’t tell which of the group it was coming from. He took my teddy bear! I want it back!

I can’t help you, he thought viciously, trying to charge the air around him with hostility. It was difficult. The humans would pick up on it if he harshed the vibes too much. Too little, and the shades would ignore it. A nearby penguin squawked in alarm, but the spirits backed off, so he counted it as a win.

Finally, he reached the east balcony. The thick curtains were closed, but his sharp hearing still caught a few words through the club's noise. Something about the gang war Red Hood had prevented (the one Danny had reported on.)

But it wasn’t his job to worry about that. He wasn’t a hero anymore. Instead, Danny politely knocked on a pillar holding the curtains up, waiting to be let in.

The conversation quieted. “Who is it?” asked his boss.

“Drinks, sir,” Danny replied simply. The curtain was let open, and by the Ancients, Danny wished he’d never taken this job.

The balcony was brimming with the dead. It reeked with the heavy stench of death.

He suppressed a cough, clamping his mouth shut as he passed out drinks. His hostile aura was drowned out by the sheer amount of spirits clamoring at each other, practically at each other’s ghostly throats. Some of them had real definition to their features, telling Danny that this was not a group to be messed with. One of the spirits was on the verge of gaining its own consciousness, dripping a familiar green Danny had come to associate with his rouges. The spirit's burning eyes turned to him, and Danny was overwhelmed with the scent of rot rolling off it. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

He started to pass out drinks, suppressing the urge to shiver as hands gripped at his face, his clothes, his arms, his everything. The shades had noticed him. They clamored around him, filling his head with white noise. It was horrible.

Mr. Cobblepot eyed the boy, noticing how his newest employee had tensed up and gone noticeably paler in the presence of his guests.

The kid had practically folded in on himself as another aide swept aside the curtains. His hands trembled just barely, and he refused to meet anyone’s eyes straight on, instead looking past their ear or at their foreheads. He also noticed how Red Hood, sitting directly to his right, had gone stiff when the kid entered the room. The crime lord wasn’t showing his face, but he could still see how Hood tracked Danny’s movements like a hawk, tensed like he was about to leap out of his chair and assault the kid. Danny, for his part, had clamped his mouth shut and did his duties diligently and quickly, seemingly not noticing Red Hood’s attention on him.

Everyone began murmuring again, continuing their conversations now that they had booze to loosen their tongues. Mr. Cobblepot took a tentative sip of his fancy cocktail, non-alcoholic, of course. He couldn’t have his thoughts inhibited while in the middle of a business deal.

The kid was in and out like a ghost, barely making a sound as he slipped past the curtains once more, tray clutched to his chest.

“Who was that?” Red Hood finally tore his attention away from the kid’s retreating back and turned to the host of the evening.

Mr. Cobblepot waved him off. “A new hire. Don’t worry. All the paperwork is in order; he’s not here illegally.” Lies slipped off his tongue like honey, and luckily, Red Hood was too distracted to notice. “Now, let’s get back to business, shall we?”

Danny practically ran down the stairs and back into the kitchens. He barely had time to shove his empty tray into Tamia’s hands before he slammed the back doors open and heaved the contents of his stomach out next to a dumpster.

Ancients, that was horrific. Danny knelt there for a few moments, dry heaving some more until his stomach was well and truly empty. Acid burned the back of his throat.

“Holy shit Danny! What happened?” Thin hands clamped down on his shoulders, making him flinch. The touch softened, and they started rubbing circles on his back instead. It was Tamia, no doubt having run after him when she saw his pale face.

Danny shuddered and shook his head. “Sorry.” He gasped. “I think-I think I’m allergic to something they were wearing.”

“Fuck.” Tamia cursed softly. “If I get you a drink, will that settle your stomach?”

“Probably, yeah.”

His (totally awesome, reminded him of Jazz) supervisor stood up decisively. “Then I’m getting you some water.” She told him. Two wispy shades curled around her neck, chittering at him with anxiety. “Sit out here and take some deep breaths. We’re short-staffed tonight, so I’ll send Mia to the balconies instead. We can’t afford to send you home.”

“And I can’t afford to miss a shift.” He joked. His heart wasn't in it.

Tamia turned and opened the back door. “Well, if you’re already cracking jokes, you’ll be back to waiting tables in no time~” She cackled over her shoulder.

Danny smiled at her retreating back. Tamia was a nice person, and he didn’t meet many of those these days. She was tall, with dark skin and a wit to match Nightwing’s. He’s sure she was only looking out for him because he reminded her of her two younger siblings, dead from a house fire a few years ago. (If he had to hazard a guess, the two shades that clung to her with such desperation were what was left of those very siblings.) It was fine. He’d take any pity he could get.

Coughing slightly, Danny leaned back on his heels and looked up, trying to see past Gotham’s cloud cover. Instead of stars, he saw two white eyes narrow at him from the top of the building. A dark mass writhed above the eyes, making the figure they belonged to blend in with the background. Danny yelped in surprise and fell on his butt. When he looked up again, the eyes were gone.

Well, shit.

Danny scrambled to his feet and tore open the back door, almost running into Tamia, who had a bottle of water in her hands. “Tam!” He blurted. “Get the boss! The Bat is here!”

...

[Pretty short cause I gotta skedaddle off to work. This is a planned fic that will be pretty short, and I'll link the next part below at a later date. Hope you enjoyed it!]

[nalyra-dreaming]

Regarding future season structure, I do see the show moving away from a narrated format after TVL but I do hope we get some flashbacks of other characters (not full seasons) bc I do hope we get some TVA moments and if they are doing past DM🤞. And Marius.. hate him or love him he is an interesting character.

I know they keep calling S3 TVL and I might be wrong but I got the sense that they are doing TVL/QOTD at the same time with TVL as the focus for S3. Tbh I always thought of both books like a duology bc they go together so well.

I'm torn on TVL being one or two seasons bc I do think there will be some pushback if past Lestat takes up more than 50% of the season. I am not downplaying Lestat's popularity but if Louis is missing for more than 50% of the season? Yeah won't be a good look. I also don't really see the show going back and showing too many previously established scenes from Lestat's pov in Nola.

So imo it makes sense to me to stretch TVL to two seasons but to also do QOTD as the current story going on at the same time.

Either way I'm beyond excited bc I love both books.

Arguably, I think they have already started on QotD (in combination with Amel, imho). Because we have the ever increasing vampire population, the "great conversion". "Those who must be kept" have been named, several times, the importance of the blood of Akasha has been pointed out.

TVL and QotD were always a story that went together, and I am not sure how much episodes they will give us, but I do think TVL will end on the show with the same cliffhanger the book does: namely Akasha coming in and kidnapping Lestat right after the (a) last? concert - and worse here, I think it will be from Louis' arms.

S3 will not contradict or reshow all of S1&2. TVL doesn't do that either. And the season 3 press release has been clear:

“In season three, resentful of the perfunctory portrayal in the trashy bestseller ‘Interview With The Vampire,’ the Vampire Lestat sets his story straight in a way only the Vampire Lestat can—by starting a band and going on tour. Gabrielle. Nicholas. Magnus. Marius. Those Who Must Be Kept. They join Louis, Armand, Molloy, Sam, Raglan, Fareed and others we can’t tell you about yet on a sexy pilgrimage across space, time and trauma.”

There will be Louis. Of course?! The show is built on Loustat. But we are not on IWTV anymore. This has also been stated:

"Sam worked really hard for two years as a supporting actor, and I think Jacob is very excited to do the same thing for him, and put Sam front and center," Jones tells EW. "We've just scratched the surface with Sam, who's an incredible actor."

To repeat in what I said in my recent PSA (reblog): I don't care about actual screentime percentage. Or top billing, or whatever. They said they would keep Jacob and they better(!).

IWTV was Louis' story, narrated by him. TVL, QotD, TtotBT are all narrated by Lestat (for the most part). That will reflect, but I also think that there is no way we will not have a LOT of Louis in the story.

[tmf-confessions]

I HAVE TO CONFESS IT. I HAVE TO SAY IT. GOSHDARNIT I HATE LANDER WITH EVERY BONE IN MY BODY- 😭😭😭

Okay, so, may get some slander for this but Let me explain myself first- Lander is literally the least developed, most emotionless relationship in tmf.

1. Its (pretty much) useless to the plot

Literally like, they’re supposed to be “super close”, they used to be childhood best friends and now they’re lovers! But like…When do we see that ever???

Lander was basically just an excuse to give luke some screentime, and to give zander some more screentime. I know that not everything has to be necessary to the plot of tmf, but in general, when things happen, especially in such a short series (less than 15 episodes in season 1), even filler content should somehow be able to push the plot forward, right? Apparently not, because Lander literally did nothing plot wise!

You could argue that yes, it did show Zander and luke that jake was a trustworthy, but theres so many other ways that he could have done it, without the whole lander arc, which could have arguably set up both characters for more interesting arcs?

Honestly, I feel like there could have been an arc where luke accepted stacy, and zander had to learn to deal with heartbreak, and it would still push the narrative in the same direction, could have had a lot more buildup too

2. It feels like it’s just there for representation

As a queer person myself, do not get me wrong, it is WONDERFUL to have representation within media, on bigger more popular shows too! I’m eternally grateful that rosy added them in to showcase a queer relationship, however, lander honestly feels like its just that. Like its there, JUST to showcase a real relationship.

Like, they had a cute confession moment, but it was so early on in the series that it genuinely didn’t seem like something that was built up to. Sure, we got a bit of time, but how much time was that? 2 episodes of build up tops? “Lovesick luke” and “a drummers confession” was like, literally it. Nothing beforehand to build up to it, besides the whole “Zander is gay” and “zander and luke are childhood best friends” thing, but those can exist within platonic relationships too, so thats not really buildup at all

We never get to see why they’re attracted to eachother, other than “wow, they’ve been friends for a while and admire eachother, they must have crushes on eachother” like- even as a person who is VERY VERY VERY romantically attracted (think opposite of aromantic, then scale it 20x past that), its just giving “boy and girl co-star on a show and end up together at the end because you cant have 2 friends be close without them being romantic,” but made queer.

Genuinely, if theres going to be a relationship, i think that (as much as i personally am not really a shipper of it) jailey is a WONDERFUL example.

They kind of grew on eachother, and we see that attraction growing slowly, rather than being shoved in our faces or being rushed. Its a well thought out love arc, and almost perfectly encapsulates a slowly formed relationship. even in such a short show, it didn’t feel rushed.

(While rereading this, i’m really notsure how to phrase my words, so these words absolutely do not reflect my ABSOLUTE feelings on this, but this is about as close as I can get with it. I am in absolutely no way accusing rosy of being homophobic, Infact i see quite the opposite in her, she’s a wonderful ally, its just meh writing)

3. Its honestly not the best ship? (This part is my opinion purely)

Dont get me wrong, they’re not toxic by any means, (infact, they seem quite healthy!) but they 100% have some issues they need to work on. Like… does no one notice how Luke like, threatened jake if he hurt zander? Obsession issues a tad bit, perchance?/notneg

Luke kinda exists to push zander’s story arc along in the first season, so we get like, no luke character traits, which i think definitely contributes to them not being the best pairing, but overall they’re so generically “mehh” of a relationship. They’re just kinda together, to be together.

4. FINAL REASON: It was just there to push jake’s story along.

Honestly, I think this is the underlying reason here. Jake is the main character in a really short show, so if somethings not revolved around him, its gotta be quick. Lander would definitely be so much better with more development, but because its not jake centred, we basically get nothing on them. This isnt rosy’s fault by any means, shes gotta get the main story in ofc, it just sucks that that seems to cost other characters screen time and development that could have been really nice.

Overall, Rosy please make more lander stuff in season 2, I need to stop hating it cause it could genuinely be so cute 🙏

confession #810

[altraviolet]

I saw someone ask about the joint door, decided to share my notes on chapter 21 about said door— I find it sort of as a tool (? Not sure if that’s the right word for it) to show Rodimus’ growth specifically but that’s just my interpretation, I could be mistaken ofc:

This was the door to Drift's room.

No, this was the door to Soundwave's room. The one they shared. The one Rodimus had sealed up over and over. He lowered his hand. Wrong door.

I love that as his feelings for SW grow his hesitancy to open the down vanishes. Here he’s still a little hung up on Drift because he has never been able to vent about the gray years yet, later when Soundwave is ignoring him after the Stardrive incident he sneaks in the room— Update: In chapter 46 he just bursts in there and it is implied he comes through there all the time to be with Soundwave. I have the suspicion he barely leaves SWs room at this point.

Would love to hear more about your thought process including the door<3

First, the fact that you took notes and put down your thoughts concerning this detail makes my heart really happy, thank you for sharing 😭❤️

Second, you're spot on! The 'relationship' between Rodimus and the door changes as we move through the fic, and what you've stated above is correct. I'll admit, while writing, it wasn't cemented firmly in my brain in actual words. I just knew that the door would be ready when Rodimus was, and he'd use it.

Though! It might interest you to know that in my mind, for most of the fic, it was about Rodimus getting over his unhappiness with Drift. So, while you phrased it as, "Rodimus becomes more comfortable with Soundwave, so the door opens more," which to be clear IS TRUE, in my mind it started as "Rodimus becomes less uncomfortable that the room used to be Drift's, so the door opens more." There's a definite distinction there, but the two things happen to go hand-in-hand. One can't happen without the other.

I honestly can't remember labeling the door as a symbol in my brain early on while writing (some things are definitely Symbols and other things just Become Symbolic When I Look Back At Them), but if I had sat down and thought about it, or been directly asked, I would've realized that it is xD It's a literal door opening onto a new part of Rodimus's life, where he has let Drift go and welcomed SW in. By degrees, of course. There are a lot of messy feelings still, regarding Drift. And it's not always easy to let people in... we'll see more next chapter about that ;)

I'm trying to think if there was anything else about the door... oh yeah, he definitely used it when Drift lived next to him. For nighttime visits xD That's why he was so bitter about it later and had it sealed up. Those things aren't directly stated in the fic, but I'm hoping they don't have to be. It's all implied and follows the internal logic, so I hope folks picked that up.

And oh yes! One other thing. Folks may remember we got a description of Rodimus's room early on. I'mma copy paste that here as a reference for the next thing I wanted to share. Oh oh but while we're here:

The walls didn't answer. They did erupt into shifting holograms, photos and looping videos. Some were of Rodimus posing for the camera, action shots of him in battle or meteor surfing. Over the years, most of the solo images had been replaced by grinning selfies with friends, arms around shoulders, hoisting up a minibot or two.

The above, actually, isn't door related. I just wanted to say that the bolded sentence was meant to show that Rodimus had matured a little since LL #25. The tolls of their journey had forced him to recognize others above himself, and we see that reflected in the decor he chooses to display in his private space. OKAY back to the door:

Across the room was a collage of special images. Rodimus with the original crew of the Lost Light. Individual pics of him with 0001 Mirage and 0001 Trailbreaker and 0001 Skids. A pic of 0001 Ambulon with the rest of the medic crew. Tripodecta, Shock, and Ore sitting down for a drink together. Rodimus didn't have a picture with 0001 Atomizer. He did have a security footage loop of him and Whirl sneaking down a hallway. As always, Rodimus's gaze shifted from the photographs to the section of wall they adorned. It had once been a door. A door between his and Drift's room.

The door, very very specifically, is where he displays pictures of the mechs who died during the LL's canon adventure. These are the mechs he's always looking for. The ones he's already found, of course, are Trailbreaker, Ambulon, and Mirage.

So the door symbolizes not just his past with Drift, but his failures (in his mind) as a captain to keep those original crew members alive. That detail was deliberately chosen to link all those things together. No one's ever asked about it or mentioned it, as far as I can recall, but now you know :)

Woo, that's a lot of pressure for one little door!

So swinging back to your ask, in Ch 21 Rodimus was so excited to talk to Soundwave, he momentarily forgot how much he hated that door, and went right for it. And yes, when SW was avoiding him, he sneaked in that way (since there's a camera in the hall). And yup, he does spend quite a few nights at SW's now ;D

Hmmmmmmm... ok, I think that's it for the door! If you have any other questions just let me know. Thank you again for the interest in my writing!!

[cluescorner]

Thoughts on Canto V

Spoilers ahead. Also, disclaimer that I did not play it but instead watched it because I really like the story but I don't play the game anymore. I do not think playing it through would have impacted my experience, but do keep that fact in mind and let me know if you think my feelings would change if I had played it.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I REALLY LIKED IT! The characters were solid (though there are some problems), the theme of hoping for the future and allowing yourself to discover it for yourself rather than holding onto the past, and there were some incredible fucking moments.

Firstly, Ishmael. She was pretty stellar throughout. Watching her slowly degrade into becoming a mirror of the very woman she sought to destroy was heartbreaking, I felt like she actually had a real arc this canto that helped her become a less burdened person, and some of her deepening bonds with the other sinners were awesome. I particularly liked watching her interactions with Outis because Moby Dick and the Odyssey/Illiad are the two literary works from Limbus that I know well, and based on that info it makes sense that they would both understand and annoy each other. The moments with Heathcliff were also incredible because they've always had a really cool dynamic. Ishmael's relationships with her crew were also interesting and I feel like that could have easily been the best part of this cant, but ultimately that didn't end up happening (more on that later). I felt like the sudden character development 'Oh the other characters are my friends and they are my compass' thing was a BIG JUMP especially for Ishmael, but it's not a bad idea. I think it just needed more time in the oven, let Ishmael interact with the other sinners inside the dungeon and have her work together with them to get through things. Fortunately, Ishmael's VA + the Mili song really carried that ending so I still wound up getting caught up in the moment regardless. Speaking of Ishmael's VA...HOLY SHIT WHATEVER THEY ARE GETTING PAID IT WAS NOT ENOUGH!! Singlehandedly made me like this Canto so much more than I otherwise would have. An incredible performance all around, stand out moments include but are not limited to: Her ranting at the pirates about them not knowing what shame is, the euphoric hatred in her voice as she fantasizes about finding and killing Ahab, the grief as she discusses Queequeg and the hope as she sees Queequeg again, and OF COURSE WHEN SHE GOES AHAB MODE! Bravo Jang Ye-na, you carried this Canto through its weaker moments and helped the best ones become my favorite moments in this game.

Next, Ahab. I liked her a lot, fucking awful captain woman who reminds me of my old pastors. GOOD JOB MAKING THIS A FUCKING HORROR GAME THIS BITCH SCARES ME! I wish we could have seen more of her (and maybe we will in the future) because what we got was incredible. I was expecting a shitty boss but instead got another fucking cult leader. Her design is also a solid mirror to Ishmael's, further emphasizing the point that they are becoming more alike as this stuff goes on AND making the moment where Ishmael breaks the cycle of hatred more impactful. She is an incredible mirror of what happens where you allow hatred to consume you entirely, and the VA really reflects that. The only complaint I kinda have is that she probably should have been a lot more morally grey than she was. I feel like we just kinda got Kromer version 2 in terms of the role she played in the story and in Ishmael's life, granted that might change in the future so I will be very happy to be wrong if that's the case. But after Dongrang, I was expecting something a little more sympathetic or at least nuanced than 'evil cult leader captain lady hates that fucking whale and will kill her crew and makes that abundantly clear'. Again, I do like what we got so I can't complain too much but still.

I LOVE THAT BIG FUCKING WHALE! SCARY FUCKING BIG WHALE COMETH! ELDRITCH WHALE!

The Indigo Elder is so fucking cool. I wish he were here for more than 3 minutes and actually had something to do. They really introduced a man by having him tear the arm off the guy who we were struggling to survive against, said he was a Color and that he killed another Calamity, teased this really cool plan, and then...he's just waiting outside presumably 1v1-ing the whale but we get to neither see nor hear about it at all. I hope he comes back and we can see him do cool shit, because we had an incredible set-up with mediocre pay-off.

Ishmael's crew...I loved them so much I wish they were in the Canto for more than 1 level. They should have been introduced MUCH EARLIER in order to have their deaths have more of an impact. We should have been in the whale for longer, even if it meant shortening other parts of the chapter, just for the crew. Because those are Ishmael's ties and these are the people who Ahab's hatred is robbing the world of. What we did get of them was very strong, but Starbuck and Pip got nothing in terms of character moment and time. Queequeg got a little bit more (by the way I love that Queequeg actually looked like the design team at least LOOKED at a Polynesian person, I'm so jaded from other gacha games that I'm thrilled somebody actually looks like they're from the culture they're inspired from. She looks like a buffer, female version of one of my Polynesian neighbors it's great.) and it made her feel a lot more developed. She was a solid adaptation of Queequeg and her relationship with Ishmael was so sweet. The moments we got of them together were some of the highlights and it made me really want them to manage to escape together. Of course that was never gonna happen, but still. I also don't like how we don't even see Queequeg and Starbuck die. Are we supposed to assume Ahab killed them to manifest the ego? Did we kill them? I see some criticism around the fact that they stood by Ahab's side at the end and wondering why they did that. And I get that criticism because it is weird, but also that's just kinda what cult leaders can do especially when they're the only reason you've been alive for however long + you're slowly being overtaken by BAD WHALE JUICE. I 100% buy that they chose to follow the Captain because the Captain is always right and even when She does horrible things Her understanding is elevated above ours. And if Her fight is our fight, then surely it is ok for us to die here.

I feel like this is also a criticism that only I care about but why is the story suddenly like 'oh revenge is bad don't do revenge'? Like, I get it revenge is bad and that was kinda the point of Moby Dick. BUT WE HAVE LITERALLY DONE SO MUCH REVENGE AND REVENGE WAS KINDA SINCLAIR'S WHOLE THING AND IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE HEATHCLIFF'S! Why is revenge suddenly bad and 'oh no it makes you just like the other person' no it does not Sinclair did not suddenly become genocidal because he kept trying to murder Kromer. Is revenge only bad when it's successful? IDK, I just hate narrative inconsistency and this immediately jumped out at me.

Overall, I really liked this Canto! I have my problems with it, but they are relatively minor compared to all it does well.

[writingintheshadowsforever]

Hi Let Me Explain

Quick Note: This might be a long post so I don't blame anyone who doesn't read the whole thing. This is an explanation, an apology, and an update all in one.

Hi everyone I'm back this time for real. I won't make any promises to posting three to four times a week. I won't make any promises on what series or request will be updated first. I will reassure all of you than none of my series or requests are forgotten about. I have them saved somewhere and plan on finishing them. The plan here is to take it one day at a time. One fic at a time. As I start my journey to finding the joy in writing again.

You see I've been doing a lot of self reflection these past couple of weeks. I've been at war with myself on rather or not to let a dream go. That dream to become this big time bestselling author one day. I didn't want to admit that dream which has always been my biggest dream since like high school was doing more harm than good. The dream of being a published writer is destroying my love for writing. So I need to let it go before I find myself hating writing altogether.

Its never easy to walk away or let go of your dreams especially for creatives. I sort of feel like its harder for any type of artist in whatever field to admit that they want to move onto something else. Because we grow up having to listen to parents and teachers telling us. Its not a plausible goal and to pick a safer path or at least have a backup goal. And most of us decide right then and there no matter what we're going to prove all those people wrong. No matter what obstacles we have to face, how many times we fail, or how long it takes. We are determined to find success with our craft and make them eat those words.

Some of us refuse to even consider another interest or path. Some of us put all our eggs in one basket. Some of us let our craft become our entire identity meaning. Later on if we want to walk away or maybe just put on the back burner for a while. Its like losing who you are as a person. You feel like you've failed yourself and at life for letting go. I say letting go and not giving up because I will never give up on writing or more specifically storytelling.

Storytelling made me the person I am today. I wouldn't be here today without my love for storytelling. It got me out of some dark places as a kid and still does today. Storytelling is the only real magic in this world.

As a writer who feel like the heart of storytelling is dying because of capitalism. I can't let it go. I can't let my love for it die which is why for now I have to let the dream go. It doesn't mean my dream still won't come true one day. And its not like becoming a bestselling author is my only dream. I have other dreams that have take the backseat, and I think its time to move them to the front seat.

For now on I write for the joy of it. I write to get those stories out of me. When it comes to my writing I don't ever want it to be about money or fame. Starting now I'm going to stop stressing over traditional publishing and rather or not I'll ever be good enough.

I'm sorry everyone for being gone so long. For a while a part of me started to contemplate giving up on writing altogether and even deleting this account. I was starting to hate writing because I was so stressed trying to figure out how to achieve success as a professional writer.

I once had a stranger who I didn't know at all tell me that one day I was going to be a great writer. Never met or talked to this guy a day in my life. I felt like it was a sign from God, the universe or whatever you believe in. Either way it was some divine intervention moment letting me know I was one day destined for a long and great career as a professional writer. But do you have to be a professional writer to be a great writer? Is it the same thing? Can someone be great at something but never find traditional success? Those are the questions that have been running my head every time I thought about letting go. I still going to struggle with those questions, but I hope one day I find the answer. What makes a great writer?

After going through my old fics the ones I'm going to get started on are:

Queen Ramonda x Reader Enemies to Lover

Part 2 to being Namor's daughter and choosing Wakanda over Talokan

Steal Your Heart

Not Who You Think I Am

New Marvel Stuff

New Addition

My Hero Academia imagines because its my new anime obsession

[hsslilly-blog]

heres overseer sakura and julian striking the vault boy pose for rad school story. the cropping looks a bit weird on the second drawing but its okay. its fine ❤️ more stuff under the cut as usual!

sakura got to be the overseer after she was chosen by the vault’s mainframe computer. she was the first one to be chosen, so she considers herself the “main” one of the bunch. such thing does not exist, but the fact she thought it did says something about her and means the experiment is working just fine. before being an overseer, though, she was the vault’s loyalty inspector. i went back and forth between this and making her a shift supervisor but i think making her the person who literally inspects if you are being “loyal” and sticking to the rules of the game vault is very sakura-like. also, adds an element to the au/vault atmosphere. no one really likes the censor.

i gave her two traits that might seem counter intuitive (and maybe they cancel out each other in the game? i didn’t check) but for the au i decided to use the traits in a more figurative sense. well at least for the vault dwellers. sakura has a lot of discipline and she has a set of principles she follows very closely, which is both a strength and a weakness. and both the great escape quest (the one this au is based on) and twelve angry classmates (best quest in game) demonstrate this very well. she has a tendency to… take things too far! even when new information that contradicts her is presented to her. whole premise of the au. so both traits work together.

tagged skills for both of these guys were hard because like i said on the other post, i didn’t want to give the vault dwellers any combat skills. i did end up giving sakura unarmed because she does some crazy physical stuff in the original quest and because she is an active person (her parents make her do all of that stuff on her backyard). this means she would have a higher endurance than the other vaulties, which would give her an advantage in a scenario where radiation finds its way into the vault. huh. speech makes sense for her role (in the vault and in the au) and repair = tinkering = cogs = steampunk. really. sorry.

julian was the second overseer to be chosen and as far as sakura is concerned, that makes him the second in command. he used to be the vault’s little league coach because of course he would. i tried making his vault suit resemble a football uniform. also his pip-boy is covered in stickers from the kids he used to coach. i think he would get really into his overseer job and he’d go along with sakura for the most part. i think his reasoning is different, though. while sakura gets stuck on procedure and then on her (stubborn) ways, i think julian truly believes this is the only option they have. he’s… trying. i don’t think he understands the whole radiation thing 100%. either sakura is keeping information from him, or he just didn’t make the connection yet (everyone is going to die because ezra is basically a ticking time bomb).

i chose loose cannon to reflect his anger issues and good natured because julian gets along with mostly everyone. this is why 6 CHA seems wrong for him but i’m trying to stick to a maximum of 40 S.P.E.C.I.A.L. points for each character (which is the limit in new vegas). i also liked making everyone extremely unlucky because lol this is NOT a fortunate situation.

julian has survival as a tagged skill because 1. he’s shown to have survival skills in multiple quests in high school story (he likes camping a lot) and 2. every game of football i’ve ever watched looks like a warzone to me. i chose unarmed for the same reason. barter… i think he’s the match to sakura’s speech in the same way wes is the complimentary barter to the mc’s diplomacy. i think it makes for an interesting overseer dynamic. also, julian used to be a bully and he’s past his days of messing with people but i think it’s a… skill. pushing people’s buttons, i mean. so. he also has a higher endurance than the other vault inhabitants.

that’s it for now. next ones will be autumn and (finally) ezra. and then vault 105 will be complete!

[queenoffishingandcookies]

Battler / Valor’s Name

Considering Battler’s name is meant to be understood as a person who fights, a fighter, I wanted his name as a girl - whether he is transgender or had been outright genderbent - to reflect the same or similar meaning.

Because yes, I’m one of the people who occasionally choose to change a character’s name.

(Feel free to punch me, it’s habit.)

Taken straight from my phone notes, and pieced together from a lot of googling, I ended up with this:

(I’d copy and paste it, but tumblr wont let me, so you get a screenshot, sorry!)

Wish I could tell you I put a lot of thought into this, but I looked at the meaning of Battler (which is, in fact, an actual word) and began thinking of synonyms to a person who fights, or things that mean something similar.

Considering Ushiromiya Family Typical Behavior, in a world where Battler is physically born with female parts, it’s a half-and-half to me on whether she would be named Battler, like in close-to-canon AU’s where she is assumed male because that’s what her physical body says (at least at that time).

I don’t think it would be considered outright to be masculine, since it’s a weird name in the first place, I don’t think people would care? But also. It’s not a lady’s name???

And woman in the Ushiromiya Family have…very specific roles, to say the least, and those born into the family probably have very certain expectations weighing on their shoulders (because Kinzo is an asshole, but I digress-)

I have conflicting feels on it, don’t really know how to explain them, and I’ll…leave it at that.

It was a toss up between Valor or Aster or Asteria. Valor, because pronounced in Japanese it would start with the same ‘Ba’ sound. Valor generally means courage/bravery, especially in battle. Aster/Asteria because that flower, in hanakotoba, means remembrance/memory (and please, correct me if I’m wrong).

Also, I really like the flower.

Once I decided on the name itself, it was…actually just a googling spree on which kanji made the necessary sound. I took the first syllable from the canonical spelling of Battler’s name.

Literally scrolling through lists of kanji for a kanji that had the ‘ro’ sound and appropriate meaning - the jitenon website and wikitionary are where exactly I got them from, so it might not be accurate.

The kanji for yuu means, translated to english, courage. Which is often used to spell the name Yuki, which generally means something similar to Valor. It’s also similar enough to the ru sound, so I decided why not? Almost like an inside joke, though that probably wouldn’t actually work in real life?

Put into Google translate (always the best, well-reputable, never makes an error source), it means:

(Those are alternate readings of the kanji, and let me tell you, that was hell to figure out).

I had so many tabs opened in this process, so much scrolling down. I honestly wish I’d taken note, because it was as interesting as it was frustrating to look at the kanji and how many different meanings they had…

Also, if you’re born into the Ushiromiya family, you kind of have to have some level of bravery or courage, if not cutting cunning or an unfaltering poker face, to survive.

So yeah.

Battler = Valor.

Also, I really like the idea of a transgender Battler coming out, at some point, and choosing her new name after discarding the old, and keeping to the original meaning because - well, her mom gave it to her. The heart of its meaning was…kind of good, she wasn’t a wimp, she knew how to fight and how to fight well. Even if the wacky kanji is from her Ushiromiya side.

(Also considering social expectations of women at the time to be feminine, maybe that would constitute some sort of pressure on trying to select the right name for a young lady? To not be known as aggressive, but strong? To be called a fighter could have different connotations between a girl and boy, and that might be a discussion for another time and way over my head).

Please don’t flame me, if anyone takes offense, please have mercy and tell me if and how I am offensive.

Also, Valor is the only name I’ve looked at in-depth in how it might change for a genderbent or transgender umineko character. Except for maybe George’s.

and let me tell you. Eva, in entirely Genderbent worlds, as a boy. Having a daughter. His only child is a daughter. Wanting to be family heir - and not being heir for a variety of reasons, one of which being to spite the family elders who were still alive when he was born…George’s name would either be Georgia, Georgiana, or…George.

Because Evan wanted a boy, but got a girl, and even if she’s a girl, he’ll make sure she’ll be brought up with as fine an education as a boy and find a wealthy spouse- (it’s…kind of similar to how Jessica in canon has so much pressure on her shoulders from Natsuhi, to be a reputable heiress of the family in her own right even as a girl-).

There’s So Much There to look at, to say the least, and this post will get a lot longer if I wrote it out here.

(I did have an entire sheet of the others names and the kanji that they had but I LOST IT, and now I only have the western names for them set in stone. I’m still upset about that.)

[encasedinobsidian]

Thoughts on writing - June 16 

I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I meant for this tumblr to be specifically for my writing after all, so I figure this is the place to put these thoughts, and anyone is welcome to read them if interested. I’m just reflecting on myself as a writer, how I relate to this hobby, and about feeling discouraged/lacking in meaning, and trying to figure out where to go with it when there are no clear paths ahead. 

I feel like I vent to my friends often but never really try to articulate my thoughts the way I do when I actually write, so maybe writing about writing will help me sort it out for myself. 

I never meant for writing to become much of anything at all. I started writing a fanfic, thought it was funny, and my intention was to post it and move on like I always move on from any other hobby, following the same pattern of interest → hyperfixation → creating something → getting bored → discovering something new. I had no experience with writing or fandom, and it was thanks to a tiktok on my FYP that I even discovered Pedro boy fanfic in the first place, though I found it insanely weird at first. My eventual amusement obviously turned into something much more significant, and I’ve found a lot of personal healing through writing, discovered different sides of myself, developed the ability to sustain the attention needed to read a full length book, etc. I guess the difficulty is knowing where to go with it. 

It’s funny - I frequently find myself thinking this sucks, why am I doing this, nothing interesting will come of this, my brain is empty, fuck this, about writing. And I say those things but then I write anyway. I say I’m done with it and thanks for the past 15 months, I’m out, and then a few hours later I’m on my doc coming up with something. I can’t really stop at this point, it’s like my internal monologue got a physical manifestation and now it’s something I just do. At any given time, I can open my docs and add something to some story, regardless of where I am. It’s like a reflex at this point, and I have no control over it. I put my hands on the keyboard and things just come out one way or another. 

I frequently feel like I’ve reached the end of my own ability, though, or the end of what I’m capable of creating. I was never an avid reader, so there’s a foundational understanding of storytelling that I largely feel like I don’t have. I’ve read more in 2024 than I have in my whole life, actually finishing books instead of reading the first quarter over and over, so I essentially feel a bit dumb or lacking in knowledge about what makes a story interesting. I really, truly have no idea what I’m doing, I don’t know any conventions I’m supposed to follow. I pretty much know the concept of “showing not telling” and that’s it. I also know the typical series buildup of the angst peaking, conflict, resolution, which I'm now trying not to do so I don't repeat myself too much across series. I’ve also read a lot of things (both books and fics) that I very much enjoy but that don’t match my inner voice at all really, and ended up feeling less than as a writer because certain styles of writing don’t come naturally to me. Reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis was the first time I read something and thought, wow, this actually reads very naturally to me, especially after a year of feeling like my inner voice is wrong or oversimplified or dumbed down. 

And even though we all write for ourselves, we are all affected by our audience. I’ve been sort of brutal in unintentionally cutting down my own audience by moving platforms and no longer writing the things that gained me my following in the first place, and I guess I’ve done it as part of my constant, neverending, extreme need for authenticity of some sort, and a hatred for being boxed in or expected to do things I don’t want to do. Truthfully, I don’t know what my audience wants from me, and even if I knew, I probably wouldn’t be able to cater to it. If I put out a poll and asked what people wanted to see from me, the overwhelming majority would likely say Joel Miller with no real specifics on what type of story they’d want to see, or they’d want my rendition of something they’re already familiar with. And there’s nothing wrong with that at all, I’m very flattered by everyone enjoying my takes on that man, but I guess I’m in this place where I’ve spent so much goddamn time on writing and I need to figure out who I am as a writer completely outside of that. 

One of my writing colleagues said that I’m very mercurial, and I’d never thought much about that word at all despite how well it describes how I’ve been my entire life. I can never seen to make up my mind on things, and I’m frequently changing, removing stuff, my writing style changes as I deepen my understanding of the story, my characters etc, as I take more things into consideration and expand my own view. 

To put it in Patrick Bateman terms: this reflection…. Has meant…. Nothing. And it’s true - there is no real meaning to it, cause it’s me sitting here at 6pm, looking out my window and trying to find meaning and direction in a hobby that is a completely open landscape, and where it seems like publishing is the only real goal one can have. Either that or internet success. I don’t know, I’m not sure where I’m going with any of it and who will want to read it. I guess I have a fear that everyone who has ever followed me only wants me around as yet another source of endless Joel fic and that nobody really has an interest in my writing for what it is, or for the writer I am. I don’t try to be like anyone else - everyone sees things differently, and my fics are just a representation of how all these different scenarios look in my mind. My hope is that the people who enjoy my writing regardless of characters enjoy my writing because they enjoy my POV, or enjoy the attention paid to the things I emphasize. 

Maybe I’ll come up with something more concise next time, but this has been my writing journal entry for now !! 

[lunar-years]

Roy’s kind of insane for never taking the offer to be stretchered off during his entire career… but you know he’d freak out if it were Jamie who had a serious injury on the pitch and refused. But the fact that the show presented it as this very like admirable and “positively masculine” thing is so funny. Like, hey, he’s soooo brave for needing medical attention but refusing any kind of help from others. Well, I guess that reflects Roy’s character arc.

Ohhh I am SUCH a sucker for any and all fics where Jamie gets hurt on the pitch and Roy flips. The ongoing one that just got updated yesterday where it happens because Roy makes the team train in the rain and then Jamie is in coma and Roy is blaming himself…that’s my current bread and butter I love it soooo much. PERFECT angst.

But back to the actual point of your ask, lol… I think a lot of athletes would feel the same as Roy in terms of viewing going out on a stretcher as some sort of “weakness” and generally thinking the idea that they’ve got to just push past tough injuries for the sake of their careers and sport. Obviously it’s not actually a good thing, but there IS that mentality out there in professional sports, and I think it was very fitting to include that as part of Roy’s characterization. I do not actually agree with you that it’s presented by the SHOW as something admirable/positively masculine, though. Certainly Roy sees it that way, but as you say, it’s all part of Roy’s arc and the mixed up way he views himself and forces himself to present to others.

The show actually makes a point of showing that it’s not actually a productive attitude to have. The scene that best illustrates it is when Jamie is hurt in Mom City and Roy wants him to keep playing because he pushed through injuries all the time, and Beard says “yes well, you can’t walk up stairs.” 😅 But the same idea is presented even in season one, when Roy tries to shove off Keeley’s help/mere presence after his big injury and she refuses, and he’s better off for it. I think a consistent theme on the show is “it’s always better to accept help than to force yourself to go it alone,” but it’s a lesson Roy has to learn over time, and it’s all part of his larger growth!

Also I think it’s super fascinating how, as you say, Roy would definitely flip if Jamie was seriously hurt and making it worse for himself by refusing a stretcher/help, but at the same time, he canonically DOES want Jamie to keep playing injured, because he still holds that athlete’s mentality that’s been drilled into him, and because he knows Jamie is the same caliber of player, he pushes him just as hard as he would himself. It’s basically engrained. But then if it visibly went immediately wrong he’d never forgive himself even as he continues to do the pushing. Navigating that balance between the two parts of Roy’s brain is sooo interesting and is something I think the aforementioned fic does super well. Really scratches that itch!!

[misterxsamsa]

Analyzing the whole Jhonen thing, denying that part of it is set on Johnny, got me thinking.

Jhonen is not fooling anyone. Of course he put a lot of himself into his work, both in Johnny and the other characters (Like Devi in IFS). I don't think he had a traumatic past or anything similar, but, perhaps, had opinions to put down on a piece of paper. And over time, he just didn't see himself reflected in Johnny like he did in the beginning. At least, that's the conclusion I came to. On the one hand, I would also feel ashamed that my 19 year old version is still being read by thousands of people, who feel identified with a “part of me”. The work is no longer mine, it's not personal, it is open to everyone to identify with. Jhonen never talked about how important it is for him to draw, but come on, JtHM and IFS the main focus of the protagonists is that they lost their creativity. That's a bit of a big deal for someone who draws full time. Not only that, he cosplayed Johnny, he has the original doughboys (And I think a reverend meat? if it's not just an edited image). I can see the mixed feelings, between feeling embarrassed at your work, but it's yours, you're not going to let just anyone call it a “joke.” Making a comic just for “the laughs”, but you put a lot of yourself anyway, and not just in book and movie choices, that's not just “jokes.” I don't think this way, Jv probably doesn't either, but it's an answer I can come to. I wouldn't consider it a *extremely* personal work, but a look at 19-year-old Jhonen.

This makes me think what actual comics would be like, or in some case a movie, or series (Pls Jv i swear). He's changed a lot, surely his hurmor will prevail as always, but I'm intrigued as to what his vision of his characters would be, now 40 yo, beyond a poster of Johnny full of blood (and his rp twitter account. ).

Sorry, I may be VERY wrong. I'm not cool enough to get into Jhonen's creative brain, but try to analyze it as someone familiar with this “creating something” thing.

I used to get worried about the possibilities involving a sequel to the original comics, largely because I feel capturing the spirit of the source material perfectly is impossible. He's not 19 anymore, and thus wouldn't write Johnny with the same priorities and intentions. However, enough years have passed where I think I'd be open to something different. There's so much left unresolved by Issue #7 that a new perspective on the characters, and concepts therin might be an advantage to any sequel media. Jhonen probably understands the nuanced flaws to Johnny's character better than when he was originally writing them, so I'd imagine that hindsight would give him a much more interesting way of approaching them. That's not even mentioning characters like Tess, Dillon, or Tenna who are fountains of untapped potential. Now, I fear that if Jhonen tried to scientifically recreate the percise energy and mindset behind the original comic run, it'd just fall into some bizzare narrative uncanny valley where it's not quite right.

I'm not Jhonen, so I couldn't say definitively what direction he'd go in with Johnny, but I think a lot of his wax-poeticizing would be eradicated from his character. I know Jhonen's expressed that should he rewrite the comics, in some form, he'd want to focus on Johnny being a slave to a Lovecraftian beast more than his angst. That worries me a bit, because I actually think Johnny as a portrayal of mental illness, and his interpersonal problems, are extremely compelling. However, I fear that comprises a lot of what makes Jhonen somewhat sheepish about him as a character nowadays. That, and Jhonen's said himself that he tends not to prioritize the same things about Johnny, and his source material, that a lot of its fans do. In that specific example, he was talking about the "Where the fuck is the Bactine?!" line that got cut in a re-write he did at some point or another. Still, at least we can all agree that the Lovecraftian consumption part of Johnny's character's progression deserved way more attention than what it got for how intruiging it was.

[jacob-in-taiwan]

July 31 - The Great Harbor Bridge, Shoyoen, Kaohsiung Main Public Library, and Liuhe Night Market 

Today started rather slow but eventually ramped up towards the end. After grabbing a bit of hotel breakfast the whole class went to the basement for some classroom time. I don’t know about everyone else, but this was much needed for me. Now that I’ve been in Taiwan for a while, I’m starting to get ideas on what I want my final project to focus on. However, I’ve been so focused on enjoying my time while I’m here that I haven’t really been doing any research or deeper thought. So the fact that we had some dedicated time to focus was really nice for me. 

After classroom time was up we had some time to get lunch, and I decided to check out a Latin place that was just around the corner. Despite going on this trip to Taiwan, I’ve actually spent a lot of time dedicated to learning Spanish, so I was excited to see if I could maybe practice a little. I was both kinda right and wrong. When we got there we were greeted by an older gentleman, who spoke a bit of english but did ask us if we spoke spanish. I told him I spoke a little bit and he gave a friendly laugh back. I was hoping to be able to speak more from there, but our waitress came out and she only spoke chinese. Not a problem at all, but I was a bit sad that I didn’t get to speak to the owner a bit more. 

After lunch it was time to really get the day started. Our first stop was a brief one, the bridge by the hotel. The Great Harbor Bridge was built just a few years ago and cost $10 million USD, but what makes it interesting is how it turns 90º to let ships pass by. We all gathered around and watched as it slowly turned before reaching its point. It was a pretty interesting sight to see, as most times the design is just a simple drawbridge, but this was much cooler. 

After the bridge we took the bus to the Shoyoen heritage building. This Japanese villa has been preserved since it was built back during Japanese occupation. It was really interesting to be able to walk through the rooms themselves and imagine what it must have been like to live there. The building itself also serves as a great reminder how Taiwan is a melting pot of many cultures, and how the country it is today is built off its influences from the past. 

The next place we visited was the Kaohsiung Main Public Library. As I mentioned in a previous post, I love libraries. This was no exception. A nice, big, and quiet library is always a good place to be at. There was really nice natural lighting and plenty of books to read. They even have a sizable collection of books in english. The views, of course, were incredible. Depending on what side of the building you sat at you could either see the city skyline or a great view of the port and river. I won't lie though, my favorite part of the library had nothing to do with any of that. On the roof, if you crossed the sky bridge they had a bouldering wall, which I ended up spending my remaining time at. I love rock climbing, and the fact that they had a wall for free meant that I really had no other option than stopping everything I was doing and climbing. 

To end the night we were dropped off at Liuhe Night Market. The original market we planned on going to was closed today, but I thought this one was pretty good. I got a turkish wrap and banana pancakes, and they were honestly some of the best street food I’ve had while I’ve been here. So if this was just the backup plan, then I wonder how good the original market is.

Earlier today during my classroom time I decided that I wanted my next academic reflection and final project to both focus on ports in Taiwan. One of the first things we learned when we got to Kaohsiung was how vital its port was to not just the city, but Taiwan as a whole. Today, as we watched the Great Harbor Bridge turn it reminded me again of that very fact. Peter told us the main reason for building the bridge was for foot traffic and cutting down on travel times while walking, but the entire purpose of the bridge is to let ships pass. Of course, massive cargo vessels aren’t going to be traveling down this small channel, but the bridge more so represents the spirit of the people embracing their ports. The fact that more money was spent on the bridge so it could turn proves that the people in Kaohsiung prioritize water and all the activities that occur on it. Furthermore the entire area on the pier and around the port is so well developed that it shows active investment of both time and money. Actually watching the bridge turn was a rather unextreme endeavor, but it represented much more than may be obvious. 

[spectacle-street]

I don't like to soliliquize about how my life is going anymore because I usually talk about how much it's improved and then everything immediately goes downhill after that, but I'm gonna take a chance and give a good ramble about how my life is going. Without jinxing it. I hope.

In the last few months, I've been working on not holding myself to such high standards anymore. I was always really stressed by it. It got into everything I did, even when I was just relaxing. I couldn't do a face mask occasionally as a treat, I had to do one regularly and with discipline. I couldn't read a book when I felt like it, I had to adhere to a strict schedule of reading every day at a specific time and if I didn't I was a terrible person and a failure. It was, as you no doubt can imagine, really exhausting. I was trying to make my life as perfect as those tik tok "my 5-9 before/after my 9-5" videos and I was miserable the whole time.

I ran into the same issue with my religious practices. I couldn't just worship in whatever way felt right to me, I had to do it a specific way and if I did it wrong I was convinced I was a terrible person. I felt immense guilt for not sticking to a daily schedule of prayer and going out on full moons to do this and that and making sure my house was always cleaned on new moons and yadda yadda yadda. It was a major "girl failure" mood.

So, having a strict, disciplined schedule is not my cup of tea. I really needed a looser routine and I needed to place less pressure on myself.

The only part of my day I can't loosen up is work. I have to leave by 7 and I get home by 5 (the car ride to and from work is 45 minutes to an hour, it's a real bitch to do but I needs money). I still want to get up earlier and get more done before work, and I still want to be productive after work, but I figured I might as well do it in a way that doesn't make me stressed as fuck.

What else is new? Having a crush these days is NOT it. It's fun for a week when I get to fantasize about that person and float on cloud 9 but then I spend all of my time worrying about whether or not they like me and anxious about our every interaction. That and I put a lot of time into trying to hang out with him and talk to him and he wasn't really interested. I had to balance being respectful about that in my head and also feeling righteously upset for myself because *sob* I'm such a catch and he doesn't even care. Ah weell, life goes on. It is what it is.

I've been pretty good about this kind of stuff lately. I know the worst of my obsessive crushes were due to a cocktail of mental health issues, so I try not to look back on myself too harshly. I also know that in the end, I can only put my best foot forward and try not to dwell on the past too much. When I let it invade the present, I couldn't find any rest and besides which, nobody was ever asking me to carry it around like that. I think that attitude has helped me cope better with some of the more personalized aspects of my illness. My voices always reflect where my mind is currently at, so when I lingered on past issues they lingered there too (and offered extremely unhelpful commentary).

I did get a flash of paranoia the other night. It was vivid and scary. I think I drank too much caffeine? Nothing like being extremely fearful at 9 PM while trying to buy heavy cream at the grocery store. I talked myself through it though and by the time I got home, the feeling was naught more than a fading memory.

When you're doing relatively well, it can be disorienting and scary to suddenly be plunged into this dark and scary alternate reality you once existed in though. Everything is overwhelming when you're like that! I felt like I'd just stepped through a rip in space time. I don't know how else to convey how topsy turvey everything gets when you're symptomatic. I used to be paranoid all the time and I really wouldn't ever choose to go back to that.

I'm being treated for lyme disease right now, so that's fun! I was mysteriously sick for about 3-4 weeks and I finally, FINALLY saw a doctor. As soon as I got in they saw the bullseye rash on my stomach and were like "get this bitch on some antibiotics." I wasn't able to keep any food down from about the time I woke up until 6 or 7 in the afternoon before and today AND yesterday I got to eat whenever I wanted like a normal, healthy human being. It was wonderful! Hopefully the good vibes continue into this week.