#regulus is somehow still the taller one between him and Sirius

[nikolai-alexi]

Regulus: be the bigger person??

Regulus: Be The Bigger Person?!?!?

Regulus: bitch I am 162cm on a good day that is physically impossible get fucked

[my-castles-crumbling]

Sixth Chapter- Clandestine

In celebration of Sirius's birthday, here's the next chapter!

CW: internalized transphobia, transphobia, poor coping mechanisms, vague mentions of blood, improper binding, descriptions of illness, vague mentions of abusive parents.

Regulus

Pandora became his ally- the only person besides Sirius who knew.

Though he hated the idea of someone knowing such a vulnerable secret, he soon realized it was necessary. Sirius knew how to be a boy, but Pandora knew how to have a uterus, and he realized that though he hated it, he needed both areas of knowledge.

Pandora was also some sort of angel- even at such a young age, she had a way of phrasing things that didn’t cause the goosebumps to form on Regulus’s neck. She never accidentally said ‘she’ or ‘her’ and only looked at Regulus with a vague, non-judgmental gaze when he lamented about his stupid, traitorous body.

With the patience of a saint and none of the squeamishness that Regulus himself possessed, she taught him the reality of what his body was doing, beyond the facts he had read in his anatomy textbooks.

In secret, she helped apply balm to his back when the bandage cut into him. She made sure he had everything he needed when his body inevitably bled once a month. She joked about something called “syncing up.” She never complained. She always remembered.

He had only ever felt so appreciative of Sirius.

-

He’d dreaded the holidays. The subject had been taboo between himself and Sirius- as if bringing it up would somehow make it approach faster.

Somehow, the idea of having to act like a girl felt even more nauseating after spending the past three and a half months as a boy. It felt like he had finally let himself breathe (Metaphorically. The bandage made actual breathing difficult sometimes.), and now he had to go back to holding his breath, gasping for air, breathing through the tiniest straw imaginable.

He had nightmares about it.

About having to respond to his old name. About being forced into petticoats and elaborate tutus. About looking down to see the swell in his chest.

Barty and Evan became concerned that the pressures of homework were getting to him.

But then, a miracle happened.

Dragon Pox.

The rumor went that a seventh year student in Gryffindor had interacted with a Peruvian Vipertooth while on holiday with his parents and had fallen ill. He was currently under quarantine in the Hospital Wing.

Where Regulus headed almost immediately.

He knew Dragon Pox could be lethal, but usually only to older people, so the gamble was worth it, in his mind.

Sneaking out was not his thing. Sirius was the rule breaker, the one who lost points and got detention. But he knew he had to do it.

So the night after he heard the rumor, he waited for Barty and Evan to fall asleep, then crept quietly from his bed out of the Common Room.

He made it about five minutes before bumping into someone.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. How had he not seen him? He was sure the corridor had been empty.

But there he was, suddenly and completely. James Potter.

“R-Regulus?” the taller boy asked incredulously.

Regulus sighed, knowing this would not end well. “Yes.”

“You know it’s one in the morning, right?” Potter asked, still looking shocked.

Regulus drew himself up to his full height (which was still much shorter than Potter) and retorted, “I could say the same to you!” He tried to ignore his sweaty palms and nervous heartbeat. Merlin, Potter was tall.

Potter hesitated for a minute. “I…fancied a stroll.”

Regulus smirked a bit. “Same.”

They looked at each other with raised eyebrows, clearly not believing each other for a moment.

Finally, Potter shrugged and offered, “Filch is down that hall. There’s a secret passage here,” he gestured to the portrait in front of them. “Brings you to the fifth floor. But, erm….stay away from the girls bathroom near there, yeah? There might be…a surprise. You don’t want to get seen nearby.”

Regulus snorted. Potter had no idea how right he was.

But he had other concerns. “Are you going to tell Sirius you saw me?”

Potter thought for a moment before asking, “Are you going to tell any Professors you saw me?”

He had no reason to. “No.”

Potter grinned. “Then no.”

Within 8 hours, Regulus had Dragon Pox and the fifth floor girls' room was covered in mirrors that screamed insults when you looked in them.

-

Dragon Pox was awful. It was terrible and miserable and uncomfortable and the worst sickness Regulus had ever had.

It was also ten times better than going home for Christmas.

He spent the first three days half-delirious with a fever, resisting the urge to itch at the pustules on his body, avoiding looking at the way his skin had turned green. Admittedly, he was already avoiding looking down, as he had to remove the bandage to allow his skin, and himself, to breathe properly.

Madame Pomfrey visited him three times a day, bubble-head charm around her mouth and nose, to give him potions and food.

By the fourth day, he finally could keep the food she gave him down and sleep without dreaming of Puffskeins sitting on him or Sirius growing wings and a beak. Pomfrey informed him with the air of telling him that someone had died, that he would, unfortunately, not be able to go home for Christmas. He couldn’t fight back a smile. She also told him, a bit more angrily, that his parents had chosen not to visit. He grinned at that.

She left his bedside muttering about Regulus and Sirius being ridiculously similar.

He was finally allowed out of quarantine on the 27th of December. He awoke to a tired-looking Remus Lupin in the bed next to him, and a very excited-looking Sirius bouncing in his seat energetically, literally sitting on his hands to keep himself from moving, it seemed.

“The fuck…” he mumbled, quickly pulling the covers up to cover his clothed but unbandaged chest.

“Merry Christmas, Reggie!” Sirius all-but screamed, waking Lupin in the bed next to him.

Regulus felt that his annoyance was mirrored in Lupin’s disgruntled expression.

“Sirius, it’s early,” Lupin complained. Regulus nodded his head emphatically.

“But Regulus is out of Dragon Jail and you’re okay and we can celebrate!” Sirius screeched, grinning from ear to ear.

Lupin groaned and pulled the sheet of his bed over his head.

“Why are you here?” Regulus asked, trying to keep the annoyance from his voice. It was nice of Sirius to visit as soon as he was able, but he could have waited a few more hours.

“Because Remus was here too– he had a migraine last night– and we’ve been waiting for you to get better to open presents, and now you’re better so now we can!” Sirius blabbered, bouncing in his seat again.

‘Better’ was a strong word. His skin was still a bit green and he felt weak. But Sirius’s enthusiasm was also contagious. “Alright. If Lupin is up for it, I’ll go,” Regulus muttered.

Lupin threw him a scathing look behind Sirius’s back that Regulus returned with a grin.

Christmas had never been so different.

Sure, they were celebrating two days late. But they were also celebrating. Sirius snuck Regulus into Gryffindor Tower, which was warm and bright and gave a distinctly Christmassy feel, and the three boys opened their presents while Sirius sang carols loudly and off-key, replacing the traditional lyrics with inappropriate verses.

Regulus was overwhelmed by the presents he received- books from Barty and Evan, new flying gloves from Dorcas and Pandora. An engraved knife from Sirius. Even Potter, Lupin, and Pettigrew had chipped in to get him some sweets. He tried not to think too hard about James Potter buying him Chocolate Frogs. Had he ordered out for them? Gone to Diagon? How–?

He received no gifts from his family, though he got cards from both Andromeda and Alphard, addressed to R. Black and wishing him a Happy Christmas. He stared at them for some time, wondering what they meant- did some of his family still support him?

Missing were the presents from his parents. When Lupin left to use the bathroom, Sirius explained with a shrug that he couldn’t resist, and he’d opened the gifts, only to find ‘nothing of value.’

“I burned it all,” Sirius shrugged with a small smile.

Regulus knew that meant the presents were probably either ridiculously feminine items or letters telling him to ‘see sense.’ Either way, he was thankful.

-

Regulus found over the next week that he genuinely liked Lupin. He was unassuming and didn’t push, and possessed the same sarcasm that Regulus prided in himself. He seemed to calm Sirius a bit, but was still good-natured enough to put up with many more of Sirius’s antics than Regulus ever would have. He understood why the two were close.

He also gave off an energy of safety that few other people did. It reminded him of Pandora- between his overly large sweaters and stacks of books, Remus seemed inherently non-judgmental, as if Regulus could spill his soul to him and Remus would just nod and turn back to whatever tome he was immersed in.

He was also delighted to find that Lupin also shared his joy of teasing Sirius. It took about a day for Regulus and Lupin to warm up to each other, but soon Sirius was whining about them ganging up on him.

“You have far too big a head as it is,” Regulus remarked with a smirk, earning a snort from Lupin.

-

Friendship was something that Regulus contemplated deeply over the next few months. Perhaps it was because he was so isolated as a child- his parents had never allowed him to play with the neighborhood children and no Wizarding children had ever been deemed worthy. Only interacting with his family had given him a skewed version of reality- of what it meant to be a friend.

He was very selective about those he allowed near him. He knew that he was risking more than the average person by spending time with people, by letting them in. And he’d learned from the best to keep people at an arm’s length.

For some reason, though, Barty, Evan, Pandora, and Dorcas were the exceptions.

It took him a while to realize that true friends could, perhaps, be trustworthy. That it was possible for friends to enjoy spending time with him with no ulterior motives.

He learned this through learning about his friends. Through them being vulnerable with him.

He learned that Dorcas lived with her grandparents. That her mother and father had been killed in a Potion-making accident, and she was the oldest, with four younger brothers. He learned that she had to take care of her siblings sometimes and absolutely hated being told she wasn’t capable of something. He learned that she’d pierced her own ears last year as soon as she’d gotten to Hogwarts and wasn’t friends with her roommates because they were bigoted; because her parents had raised her to stand up to shite like that. He learned she was protective and unapologetically fierce and terrified of something happening to the people she loved. He wondered for a while why she wasn’t in Gryffindor, until he saw her curse an older Ravenclaw for making fun of Pandora. The Ravenclaw was in the hospital wing for a week.

He learned that Evan and Pandora had been ‘unplanned,’ that their parents had never really wanted kids and had ignored them for most of their childhood. Like Regulus, they had been raised in wealth and with a Pureblood ideology, but they’d been so ignored that their parents hadn’t even realized that they’d made friends with the Muggles of their neighborhood. He learned that Pandora was desperately kind and cried when inanimate objects broke because she felt bad for them, but also could throw a mean right hook. He learned that Evan had once snuck a pet snake home and it had taken an entire week before his parents noticed. He still talked about it sometimes.

And he learned that Barty had a father in the Ministry who had such high expectations of him that he sometimes felt he would break under the pressure. That his father was horribly disappointed in him for being sorted into Slytherin, and he requested weekly grade reports from all of the Professors to make sure Barty stayed in line. “He only loves me when I get good marks,” Barty murmured one night, shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal. It was.

And in turn, Regulus allowed his friends to learn that his parents were Purebloods who expected him to act a certain way. Who were bigoted and conservative and were disappointed in him for not being the same. He allowed them to learn that his parents and family disliked him, that there was a barrier there. That he was somewhat in pain because of it.

But he didn’t tell them why. Only Pandora knew that.

-

In the Spring, James Potter made the Gryffindor Quidditch Team as a reserve Chaser. Regulus had taken to flying in the early evenings, practicing hairpin turns and quick dodges for tryouts in the Fall.

It just so happened that Gryffindor practiced in the evenings.

And James Potter on a broom was a sight. He was a natural- his movements were quick and fluid and effortless. But most of all, he looked joyful.

Regulus felt envious.

-

Lupin caught him watching one evening.

He looked dead on his feet and Regulus briefly wondered if he was having another migraine, but he seemed cheerful enough.

“D’you like Quidditch?” the older boy asked conversationally, sitting near Regulus, but not close enough to make him feel that they had to continue talking if he didn’t want to. Merlin, he wished everyone was like that.

“I want to be on the Slytherin team,” Regulus was surprised by his own confession. Only his closest friends knew that.

“Too violent for me,” Lupin said with a laugh. “I’m prone to too many injuries already.”

It was true. For a boy who seemed to enjoy a night in the library more than on the Pitch, he was covered in scars. Regulus gave a snort in acknowledgement.

“Does Sirius know? That you want to play?” Lupin continued, watching Potter fly loop-the-loops lazily.

“He knows everything about me,” Regulus murmured vaguely, entranced by the way Potter flew. He wanted to be that good.

Lupin looked at him a bit strangely, but said, “He’s good at that. Keeping secrets.”

And Regulus finally looked towards him, a bit startled. “Who said I had a secret?”

Lupin smiled gently. “Nobody. But if you did, I think Sirius would be good at keeping it.”

Regulus nodded his head slowly, relaxing again, refocusing on the streaks of red in the sky.

-

The Spring also brought back old anxieties. Old nightmares. Old nausea.

Because Dragon Pox could only be caught once. He would have to go home now.

As the professors started warning of end-of-the-year exams, Regulus started panicking. He tried to distract himself, to zone in on conversations with friends and Quidditch games and studying. But he couldn’t.

His friends were worried again.

He knew it, because he saw the way they exchanged glances when they thought he wasn’t looking. He became even snappier and meaner than usual.

Sirius told him that it would be okay, that they would get through the summer together.

He cried.

He didn’t cry often, but he cried on Sirius’s shoulder and worried for what the summer would bring. He truly questioned if he could make it through. What would his parents do when they found out how he’d spent his year?

It was only a matter of time before someone else found out. He’d just thought- feared, really- that it would have been Evan or Barty.

But Dorcas was the one who found him one evening, circling the Pitch long after dark, sniffling and wiping tears and snot from his face with his sleeve like a child.

“Oi!” she yelled, waving him down.

If it had been Barty or Evan he might have stayed in the air. But he never said no to Dorcas or Pandora- he hated making Pandora sad and he was terrified of Dorcas, though he would never admit either fact.

He touched down to the ground a bit sheepishly, avoiding the older girl’s eyes.

“Something is wrong,” she stated firmly, not for the first time.

“No,” he muttered, sounding like a petulant toddler.

“Regulus Black, I swear to Merlin if you don’t tell me right now I will-” Dorcas started in, eyes flashing.

“It’s May, Cas! I have to go home, soon!” he erupted, feeling the weight in his chest ease slightly. “I– you have no idea– I just–”

Dorcas’s brown eyes looked like they were aflame as she asked hesitantly, “How bad is it, Reg? You don’t really talk about it…”

He was on a roll, now, “Bad enough that I purposely got Dragon Pox to avoid the holidays, I–”

“The fuck, Reg?” she cut him off, looking both distraught and incredulous. “You can die from that!”

He took a breath and shrugged. “I mean– we’re young. It only kills adults, usually.” He already regretted admitting to what he’d done.

She looked like she wanted to slam her head against the stands. “Reg, you can’t–”

“Don’t tell me what I can’t do, Cas,” He cut her off. “You have no idea…” He was choking up again now, thinking about that house, those voices, the spells, the hunger, the outfits, his name. The feeling that his body didn’t belong to him.

But Dorcas saw him about to crumble and pulled him into an embrace, even as he squirmed a bit- he usually avoided touch from anyone other than Sirius, for fear someone would somehow feel something suspicious.

But he only fought for a moment before breaking completely. “I don’t want to go back,” he whispered desperately between tears.

“Why, Reg?”

She sounded anguished, and he felt his heart in his throat. He needed to talk more about it, needed more people who knew, who understood, who loved him for him.

So he opened his mouth and the truth spilled out.

-

Dorcas was the first person that he told by choice. That he told, understanding (as best he could at his age) all the consequences, knowing more about how to word his feelings. Sirius had been through desperation, his parents and family had been accidental, his teachers had known already, and Pandora had figured it out.

Dorcas was an informed choice.

And when Dorcas tilted her head to the side and was silent, he took it as a rejection.

“I…I should go…” he murmured, heart pounding, wanting to melt into the ground.

She then snapped out of it and grabbed his hand. “No! No, Reg, I just….can I ask questions?” she asked in a panicked voice.

He thought about it for a moment. Of all the responses, that was not the one he’d anticipated. “Erm…sure.”

She exhaled, still looking nervous. “So…you’re…a girl?”

He shook his head vehemently, feeling his stomach lurch. Why had he done this? Why had he told? “No. No, I’m a boy.”

She scrunched her eyebrows, trying to comprehend. “But you…used to be a girl?”

He had to consider that one for a moment. Had he? He used to wear girly clothes, but he’d never liked it. Never wanted to. “No, I’ve always been a boy, I think.”

“You think?”

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

“But you…?” She gestured to him.

“I…my body is like a girl’s,” he confirmed, feeling the goosebumps start to form as Dorcas’s eyes raked curiously over him.

They were silent for a minute. Then two. Their eyes met.

Then Dorcas nodded. “Alright. If you say so.”

Regulus wasn’t sure how to react to this. “If I say so?”

She shrugged. “Who am I to tell you if you’re a boy or girl? If you say you’re a boy, you’re a boy, right?”

Relief washed over him. She made it seem so simple. “Right,” he whispered.

“But your parents don’t agree?” she asked, looking angry, now.

“No…they…they force me to…to be a girl. They talk to me like I’m a girl. They….punish me if I…if I say anything,” Regulus murmured.

“Fuck that,” Dorcas swore vehemently. “Come home with me.”

Was it Christmas again?

“I…you have so many sibling, and your grandparents…” Regulus protested halfheartedly.

“Yeah, they won’t even notice an extra kid around!” Dorcas grinned. “Plus you can help me babysit. It’ll be fun!"

“I…I’ll ask,” Regulus relented with a small grin.

-------

Click here to read the WIP and leave comments and kudos!

[villainlxver]

“no.” (pt.1)

i don’t know if i love it or hate it, if it’s fluff or angst. i just know i wrote it so here you go <3

CW: kinda detailed description of injuries, veeery light hints of sexual fantasies and of course - cursing

“you ought to not talk to those traitors and half-breeds anymore, do you understand? regulus will keep us informed and if you go against my wish, there will be consequences.” the same thing she’d told him about twenty times just today, around thousand times these past sixty two days.

“yes, mother.” he said with his eyes locked to the ground. normally he would’ve just laughed at her, telling her to piss off. but he was so tired and everything hurt. he was already trying his best not to limp as they were making their way through the masses of people so he figured there would be no point temping his luck.

“good.” she said with a little smile looking down on him. he was taller than her but she somehow always managed to look at people even twice as big like at something really disgusting on her polished shoe.

father didn’t interfere in their little conversation, his face blank, slightly bored as he would much rather be home again, reading the newspaper nonchalantly with a glass of some good alcohol between his fingers.

sirius was just glad that it was over when he finally stepped in the train after brief and awkward goodbyes as everywhere around them were families hugging each other. he tried not to look at them too much as an unpleasant feeling of envy seated itself in his stomach.

but now he was leaving them for good three months. even more if his parents allowed him, which he seriously doubted but why not hope, to spend the christmas at potters’. he couldn’t help but grin at the thought of that. holidays spent with his friend’s family were the happiest he’d ever had.

he looked over his shoulder, expecting to see regulus behind him but his younger brother has already turned his back at him walking away. his smile fell as something cold spread through his chest but he decided it was not worth it.

sirius passed many already full compartments, people laughing and hugging after those two long months of not seeing each other but he didn’t stop at any of them. the marauders’ private coupe was by the end of the wagon, in the more quiet district of the whole train.

he was so deep in his thoughts that when the glass door of one slid open and two young boys shot out of it, he didn’t have the time to step away which ended up with them roughly pushing him aside not even looking back at the raven-haired lad gasping for breath as they got him in the stomach.

“fuck.” he breathed out through gritted teeth as he felt a sharp pain in his hip, the one he had to patch up himself with white gauze after one really heated argument just few days ago.

he slowly inhaled and straightened up again, continuing his path although with a hand still on his lower abdomen as a pang struck him every time he took a step.

he finally heard james’ excited chirrup about what seemed like new tactics for their quidditch team and a warmth spread through him as a sarcastic comment (at which he chuckled lightly) came in answer.

moony.

he opened the door with one swift movement and three pairs of eyes were on him immediately, grins pulling on his friends’ faces as on his own.

“padfoot!” an excited shout came from the spectacled boy seated in the corner who jumped from his place and in a second was hugging sirius tightly. it took every bit of strength that sirius had in himself not to shriek in throe.

he didn’t notice the strange look remus watched him with as he heard his friend make a muffled sound and smelled the scent of blood that came along with sirius.

when james finally let go of him, he fell to the seat right next to remus, letting out a silent sigh when the everlasting pain in his right knee finally gave off. but then the boy next to him smiled at him shyly and with that all the aches were forgotten.

they talked and talked and talked. about everything and anything but mostly about how their summers went. sirius left out some bits, alright more than bits, and told them enthusiastically about the time he sneaked out and went to a concert of some muggle band. he didn’t mention what happened after he got back home, they didn’t need to know that and they were having such a good time than for him to ruin it. and to be honest, after merely two hours with them it didn’t matter that much anymore. because right now, with these people he felt more at home than ever before.

<3

everything went great after that. he was so happy to be back at hogwarts.

he caught regulus staring at him, at them - the four marauders, when they were waiting to get a carriage. he remembered what his mother said about his brother “reporting” to them about sirius’ behaviour and he had no doubts that the first thing ‘reggie’ will do when they arrive at the school was send a letter to their parents about sirius’ disobedience. he would gladly say he didn’t give fuck but the thought of his little brother, eager to please the people that called themselves their family sent shivers down his spine. but it was so hard to focus on that when happiness was just bubbling in his body as they were getting nearer the school.

once they finally arrived and were driven to the great hall for the feast, sirius was truly overflowing with joy - but it wasn’t supposed to last long.

they were walking towards their suitable seats at the better half of the huge table. marauders were another year older so by the rule of thumb they were supposed to sit further from the teachers and let the newbies sit at the front.

they were just walking by the slytherins’ table when it happened. it was probably his mistake, he shouldn’t have gone so close to them but when a greasy-haired beak-nosed boy moved his leg in the way and sirius tripped over it, it was too late.

his first thought was, he was dying as an unimaginable pain flew through his body when he hit the ground.

fuck no. oh shit. merlin.

he tried to get up on his own but his legs were shaking and he fell again. that was when he felt two arms pulling him up, letting him lean into them.

he felt tears in his eyes and bit his lip hard to stop himself from saying anything.

he steadied himself and shook off remus’ hands. he was good. he was alright. he was… a wave of nausea washed over him.

god, i need to go.

he stumbled from there, not really knowing where he got the strength to such a fast movement.

“oi! did our little black turn into a softie across the summer?!” many people, slytherins, laughed at that but sirius couldn’t hear them properly as he was already on the main staircase. if he wasn’t so far he surely would’ve heard a harsh voice telling snape to ‘fuck off’.

he slowed his horrendous pace and walked silently through the depopulated common room once he got there, up the stairs to their dormitory, where he headed to the bathroom not bothering to close the door behind him.

he breathed in and out deeply, stopping at the sink, washing his face with water, only then looking up at his reflection.

he was even paler than before, dark shadows under his eyes, cold sweat forming on his forehead as he felt the water running under the hem of his shirt. what disturbed him a bit more was the warmth that started spreading on his lower stomach, the place where the biggest and not-yet-healed wound was.

it was just then he heard a loud creak of door and footsteps on the red carpet.

“sirius? are you here?”

remus.

[imaginejamesandsirius]

I love your writing and get super happy when I get a notification about this series. My prompt would be: Sirius tries to get Regulus to leave the death eaters and gets roped into trying to destroy the horcrux with him. Sirius drinks the potion instead and this whole mess somehow ends with James and Sirius getting together. Would love some angst!!!

((A/N: Warning for mentions of suicide))

"You sure about this?" Regulus asked nervously. 

Sirius gave him a flat look. "It's a bit late to change your mind now," he said, gesturing to the cave around them. Crossing the water hadn't been easy since the boat was designed to only carry one, and now, standing in front of the basin with the necklace visible on the bottom was kind of the worst time to decide that he didn't want to do this anymore. Their goal was in sight; even if Regulus decided to leave, it would mean that Sirius had to try this on his own. He would prefer not to try that, but he couldn't, in good conscience, walk away. 

"Not that. I just meant- you're better at thinking on your feet. Maybe I should be the one to drink it." 

Sirius shook his head. "No way. You know more about Voldemort and what's going on with the Death Eaters than I do. If the potion is designed to kill the drinker, we'd still need you alive and well."

"You're not going to die from drinking it." 

"You know that for sure?" Sirius asked, tying back his hair. He had no idea how this was going to go, and he didn't want his hair in his face for it. 

"Are you suicidal and I'm just now learning about it?" Regulus asked, looking alarmed. 

"For fuck's sake, Regulus. Take a deep breath, and calm down." 

"I can't believe you are telling someone to calm down, and if there were ever a moment to panic, I should think you'd agree that now is a fitting time." 

"Panicking is going to make it hard for you to think. Just remember: as soon as you can, grab the necklace and get out." 

"I'm not leaving you behind." 

"I'll be fine. I'm not planning on dying in a cave in the middle of nowhere," he said with a smirk. 

Regulus wasn't the least bit comforted by that. He knew Sirius was lying-- he wouldn't be fine. 

Sirius took a deep breath and picked up the cup sat on the side of the basin. "Here goes nothing," he muttered. 

*

Regulus felt like he was in some state of shock. His body was moving automatically, but it's like his brain was frozen in place. He'd seen Sirius have all sorts of emotional outbursts-- from angry and screaming at their parents to silent and shaking. This was a first for seeing him cry so hard he couldn't breathe. Sirius had been fine drinking the liquid at first, but the effects were cumulative. He got a little choked up after a few cups, and by the end, Regulus had been helping him drink it. He hadn't wanted to, but Sirius had figured out about halfway through that he wouldn't be able to finish all on his own. 

It had been a steady spiral downwards for Sirius, but that didn't make seeing the end result any easier. He was a wreck, and it wasn't getting any better. Regulus had been sure that it wouldn't kill him at first, but after seeing him vomit because of how hard he was crying, he started to doubt it. He needed to get Sirius help, and he needed to do it fast. He couldn't just walk into St. Mungo's after betraying the Dark Lord with his brother in tow and expect for nothing bad to happen. 

That left him with one option-- or at least one option that he could currently think of. 

Personally, he didn't trust Potter. He didn't know him, and he didn't care to. But he needed help-- both with the necklace and with Sirius-- and there was no one better than Potter for that. 

Sirius was heavy. Regulus hadn't thought about it before, but Sirius was taller than him and almost twice as big around. Regulus had never felt like a bloody stick before, but he was wearing himself out trying to drag him around. It was something of a miracle that he hadn't fallen over, to be honest. He landed with a grimace on Potter's front stoop, then kicked the door-- he couldn't take an arm away from Sirius for long enough to knock unless he wanted to drop him. He waited a couple seconds, then kicked the door again. "Come on, come on, come on," he chanted, hoping desperately that Potter was home; if he wasn't, they were buggered. He kicked the door again, sending jolts up his leg. 

"What the hell are you-" James said, yanking the door open. His eyes darted from Regulus's face to Sirius's slumped form. "The fuck happened?" he asked, hurrying forward to take Sirius's weight. 

Regulus's arms felt like jelly. Numbly, he followed him into the house and closed the door behind himself. 

"Oi, I asked you a question. What happened?" 

"There was- I needed help," he said, voice small. 

"With what?" James asked, maneuvering Sirius onto the couch. 

Regulus didn't want to talk about it, but he knew that he had to answer a few questions before Potter would relax. 

*

Sirius felt like utter shite when he woke up. The nightmares-- or whatever they were called-- called by the potion had been... vivid. Overly realistic like he was reliving every single moment of the worst day of his life. 

He'd realised, one day back in Hogwarts, that James wasn't going to ever be interested in him. It had him hard. James had gone on a date, and then he'd been so excited about it that he'd started to tell Sirius every little detail-- just like they did with everything else. Sirius had snapped at him halfway through and told him that he didn't want to hear about that shite; James hadn't understood why he was getting upset and got mad in return. There had been a decent amount of insults thrown back and forth, and Sirius had stormed out. He'd spent half of the night away, and he'd seriously considered never going back. He'd been hurt and angry and so depressed that he felt like he couldn't even pretend to be okay. In his opinion, he'd had worse days, but that was the only one that had been horrible where James was concerned. Everything else, he'd had James around to comfort him afterwards. For that, he'd been all alone. He couldn't exactly go running off to James when James was the problem. 

Sirius wasn't suicidal. But he had been that night. Looking back on it, it felt stupid, but reliving it had reminded him of why he'd been thinking about it. It hadn't been stupid that night. 

It meant that when he woke up, not only did he have a tender stomach from vomiting and a headache from crying, but he also felt... fragile. He wondered where Regulus had brought him, because he knew as soon as he opened his eyes that he wasn't in hospital. 

"Hey," James said softly, off to the side. 

Sirius rolled his head to the side to look at him. 

He gave a small smile, looking worried. "How do you feel?" 

"Been better," Sirius said, swallowing. "Is Regulus okay?" 

"He's fine. He's asleep in a guest room." 

Sirius nodded, eyes closing again. He felt James brush some hair away from his forehead and press a kiss to the skin there. 

"I could've been there if you told me about it," James said, softly reproaching. 

"Regulus didn't know who to trust," Sirius mumbled. Sleep was tugging at him again, and he knew they'd have time to talk about it later. For now, it was enough for him to be reminded that James didn't hate him. 

*

The next time he woke up, he knew it was for several hours. The trouble was that he'd rather go back to sleep. He didn't see anyone as he got off the couch and walked to the kitchen for some water. He didn't feel firm enough to stay standing, so he sat at the table to sip gingerly at his drink. He'd need to brush his teeth soon, because this wasn't sustainable. 

He got halfway through his glass before James walked into the room. "Feeling any better?" James asked. 

"A bit," Sirius said. He winced at how rough his voice sounded. His throat didn't hurt, and he didn't really remember much about last night. Or whenever it was that he'd gone to the cave with Regulus. After losing time first with the potion then with sleeping so much, he didn't know how long it had been. "How long was I sleeping?" 

"Couple days," James said with a shrug. "Lily came by to check up on you." 

Lily was training to be a medi-witch, so it made sense that she would've been by. What didn't make sense was that Regulus hadn't protested; he wasn't a blood supremacist anymore, but he'd made it clear that he wouldn't be comfortable around Sirius's mates. He hadn't exactly been lucid for it, but he assumed that the only reason he'd gone to James was because he hadn't known what to do with Sirius otherwise. And, given the choice between Sirius possibly dying and talking to someone he'd rather avoid, Regulus would always choose to talk to someone he'd rather avoid. 

"Is Regulus still here?" Sirius asked. 

"Not right now. He's with Dumbledore, filling him in on what he knows about Voldemort. I told them that they could stay here, but Dumbledore insisted. I figured you wouldn't mind since there's nowhere safer than with Dumbledore. And er, I guess safe is where you want your brother? You're talking again? Or still?" 

"Again," Sirius said. "I wouldn't have been able to keep something like that from you even if I wanted to. Did he tell you what me being sick was about?" 

"Yeah. Pretty sure he didn't want to, but I was sort of freaking out." He admitted it easily, utterly unashamed of it. He still looked worried, even though Sirius was okay now. "You should've told me what you were doing before you left." 

"You were on a date," Sirius said. It was a weak excuse, and he knew it. There was no easy way for him to explain that any time James said he had a date, Sirius left him the fuck alone. He never wanted to do anything that could make James think he was jealous. It had been stupid and he knew it, but he'd figured that James couldn't get too mad at him for not telling him if he got injured-- and if he didn't get hurt at all, then he would've been able to tell James that there had been no reason to worry. 

"That's not the point. You should always tell me when you're going to do something stupidly dangerous so that I can be available if you need help. What would you have done if I wasn't home?" 

The thing was, Sirius knew when James was deflecting. So instead of answering his question, he said, "You were on a date, weren't you?" 

Guilt flashed across his face. 

"What, you lie to me now? About dates?" Sirius had thought he did a pretty good job of hiding his crush, but if James was lying to him about going on dates, clearly he hadn't hidden shite. "What the hell?" 

James swallowed, averting his eyes for a moment to peer at the floor. He toed a piece of dirt. "I didn't want you to worry about me." 

"What the buggering hell were you doing that I would've worried about?" If James said that he was going into Knockturn Alley all by himself in the middle of the night, Sirius was going to kill him. 

"Nothing," he said, taking a seat at the table. 

Sirius glared at him suspiciously. 

"Nothing! I swear. I just sit at home when I tell you I have a date." 

"Why the hell would you do that? If you don't want me to visit, you can just say so." 

"No- fucking hell, no that's not what it is." 

"Then what is it?" 

James looked at him for a long moment. There was something haltingly hopeful in his eyes, but it was clear that he was trying to tamp down on it. "You really don't know?" 

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Am I supposed to know why you lie to me just to sit at home all by yourself?" 

"I didn't want you to figure out that I'm in love with you. I knew it would make things weird. Hell, the only reason I'm fessing up to it now is because Regulus figured it out, and I didn't want him to drop it on you out of nowhere. He thought we were together, you know," James said. "You kept saying my name when you were hallucinating, so he asked me. I guess I didn't answer in a way that wasn't suspicious. He'd make a great interrogator," he added thoughtfully. "He stared at me, and it felt like everything came spilling out." 

Sirius blinked. James had said that he loved him like it wasn't even a revelation. "You love me?" he asked hoarsely. 

"Well yeah," James said, pairing the statement with a soft, small smile. The sort of smile he did when he looked at Sirius like he was the most wonderful thing in the world-- like he was looking at him right now. 

Sirius's throat worked. "I kind of want to kiss you silly, but I'm not really feeling up to standing. Would you erm- help me out and come over here?" 

"You- me?" 

"Not going to snog anyone else," Sirius said. 

James scrambled over to him, nearly knocking over his chair. Only instead of kissing Sirius, he wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. 

"Hey, my lips are down here," Sirius joked. 

"Believe me, I know," James muttered, like he'd thought about kissing him a hundred times-- and he had. "I want to wait until you can stand on your own for that though." 

"I can stand," Sirius protested. 

"For more than two minutes?" 

"You're making this harder than it needs to be," Sirius muttered, but he relaxed into James's chest. He'd get a kiss soon enough. And after that, as many kisses as he wanted. 

[halothenthehorns]

All in the Family

Chapter 84: The Second Task

James almost landed on his feet this time, stumbling forward madly in what could have been anything from icy slush, to mud, to quicksand, it was so shocking and repulsive to his bare feet, and quickly found himself face first with a solid block of water. He blinked dazedly several times as he rapped his fist against this new oddity, it didn't even come away wet, then screamed as his eyes adjusted through the murky swill to the sight of the four dead bodies.

He scrambled backwards so fast he found himself tripping right over someone and ruined any pretenses of clean that bath had given by now being covered head to toe in muck like everyone else, heart hammering out of his chest, unable to find his wand, and still looking right at them.

Sirius was trying to get madly to his side, wandless as well and feeling more naked for it than if his boxers had somehow vanished in between jumps this time, but finally getting unsteadily to his feet and hurrying over to Prongs to see the exact same thing. It was a horrifying sight to behold, and looking quickly down to see James uninjured and tangled up, nearly naked with Smith wasn't even distracting him.

Nobody else even looked down to notice the same yet, all eight of them were transfixed at the four floating figures tied down to a crude statue of a merperson carved into a boulder.

"Are they really-" Lily began in a quiet, broken voice, eyes on the little girl, she had to be younger than Regulus...

"N-no!" said Black's voice was shaking too much to even poster at his usually superior nature. "This, this must have something to do with, aha!"

He lunged forward for the book, held down by the blunt end of a trident so half buried in the muck as well as them, and pulled the now dirty blue binding free, instantly flipping it open to reveal the new chapter title, The Second Task.

"So, they had to come down here and find, people?" Frank started rubbing at his chest to get feeling back in it, now leaning against the barrier for support. "That's what they meant by recovering something taken? I bloody hate this tournament."

"I'm long since past," Alice promised, shivering in more than cold despite the mud clinging to her skin. "Mind getting off of me now Potter?"

"Eh?" He glanced down and seemed to realize he was keeping her pinned down, and dutifully rolled off with a quick uttered apology. Then his already pale visage went ever worse as he did a quick look around and didn't see his clothes anywhere, with his wand in it! Oh bloody hell, what happened to the shit they left behind, did they ever find out?!

"Here," James very suddenly found himself with Sirius's pants in his face. "Thought you idiots would like those back."

Sirius did not care that thanks to his brother he now knew what his sock tasted like, he quickly shoved his hands into every available pocket before coming up with Prongs's wand, looking over to see him doing the same with his own.

"You two really are idiots," Peter repeated as he watched Prongs get dressed. "What if he hadn't thought of that eh? And after Regulus went through all that trouble with his shoes?"

"We were having some bleeding fun for once," James scowled, his voice only slightly muffled by his shirt. "Maybe if you lot had joined, we all could have gotten zapped out of there at everyone's convenience!"

"That's all this is to you, isn't it? Fun," Regulus shook his head in disgust.

Neither of them answered, as they did not feel the need to explain themselves to him. Sirius huffily put his pants on and purposely turned away from him to go back studying the no longer dead, but still really, really dead-looking four.

"So, that's Ron and Hermione huh?" He said purposefully loudly to Remus. It was admittedly a guess, but not a wild one, considering the amount of times they'd been described. "Ron's taller than I pictured. Not hard to see why Harry's got a fancy for Cho though, she's a looker, eh Prongs?" Her's was much more wild in said guess, but if Ron and Hermione were down here, logically these were people the champions would care about.

"Eh," he barely cast another look at the girl with long dark hair, he was straightening his shirt and watching Evans, who was now studying the nearest merperson's house with great interest as it sank in for everyone where they must be. Beneath the Hogwarts lake.

It was far too dark down here to get a sense of anything too far from their little bubble of air, but what they could see was admittedly attention-grabbing. The seashells acting as a sort of roadway, the tangled seaweed much shorter than they'd have thought leading to the fun question of what they used to keep that cut down here, and even the houses were something few wizards had ever gotten the chance to see in such detail. The one closest to them was thatched together very cleanly, with no front door apparent.

"I don't understand why we're already at the second task when Harry has no idea what he's going to do to get down here," Frank was frowning heavily at the four victims still. "I'd have thought we'd get a whole chapter dedicated to that at this point."

"I'm not complaining, the sooner this is over, the better," Regulus muttered under his breath as he kept going through Harry's classes, his friends of no more clue than them how any of this was going to work out.

Remus' robes were now dripping with muck and water, he still wanted to kick Sirius for the impromptu bath, but he was frowning at him for a wholly other reason as instead of putting the Bagman jersey back on, he was flipping it this way and that with a frown.

"You don't have to keep showing off Sirius, you swimming around nearly starkers did that plenty," he reminded.

"This turd's been bothering me," he said off hand, before dropping it into the mud and crossing his arms. "Offering Harry all that help, avoiding the twins, something's up with him."

"So, what, you're going to run around shirtless now?" He laughed. "It's February up there Sirius, you'd die of frostbite in minutes."

"You'd keep me warm, wouldn't you Moony," he grinned, uncrossed his arms and leered at him, the scars visible on his chest courtesy of Remus making him wince and try to avoid looking at him.

"Your knackers would fall right off," Remus shot back, very proud he barely had a change in expression.

"You'd keep me warm," Sirius repeated, quite the opposite now with a salacious grin.

Remus was saved the tongue-twisting issue of responding to that by Sirius himself, but in the future. His return note to Harry was more than distracting enough to draw everyone's attention.

"Why do you want to know the Hogsmeade dates?" Evans actually asked of him.

"To take a stroll around, obviously," he rolled his eyes at what he clearly thought was a stupid question.

"And you don't find that the least bit dangerous?" Longbottom asked as if checking his sanity, which clearly slipped a few degrees when he answered.

"Nah, I know that place like the back of my hand. Honestly, can't believe I haven't met up with Harry in there yet."

Potter was now picking mud out of his nails without a care in the world, but at least Lupin and Pettigrew were looking at him with slight concern. It was good to know they weren't all insane, Regulus decided.

He continued on with more build-up instead, including a lesson from Hagrid over baby unicorns and another pep-talk from the gamekeeper. He couldn't help but sympathize heavily with Harry when he didn't ask for help because he was too afraid of disappointing Hagrid, if that wasn't the story of his life in the shortest words possible he didn't know what was. Bolstering quickly past that found the eight of them all laughing in surprise at Ron's response to this challenge.

They all looked affectionately at the redhead floating behind them, his absurd suggestion to just shove his head in the lake and ask for, well himself back was ludicrous, but seeing him here in person really put a funnier spin on that. They were all equally eyeing Hermione with great interest. Her bushy hair was hardly subdued by the deep water, it was almost strange to see her without a book in her hand, even in this place, as that's how they always pictured her in their head.

Frank and Alice would readily admit it was a blessing and a curse not to see Neville down here, to even have the image of how he'd look like this for even a second, while also getting to admire him in the closest thing they would get to see in person.

"Do you think, if we'd ever been in the hospital wing while she was petrified, we would have seen her then?" Alice asked.

"I imagine so," Frank shivered in further unease, thinking they'd look even more dead with their eyes open and glassy.

It was a shame, Lily thought, that they couldn't watch all of this happen in real time regardless, while they stayed hidden away or something. She'd have liked to see Harry ageing before them if that had been the case, but now it seemed she may not even get to see a picture of him at this rate, let alone in the flesh.

As the twins led Ron and Hermione away to McGonagall, presumably leading them down here, they all began looking even more anxiously at his friends. What would happen to whomever Harry was down here to grab if he couldn't accomplish this task? This tournament was still years above him after all, and these two wouldn't be in real danger if he couldn't win at a game, right?

Then Dobby was shaking Harry awake, and the poor kid was having to rush down to this tournament, fearing for his best friend's life while swallowing a what exactly? None of them had heard of gillyweed!

James couldn't stand the tension anymore, he ruffled up his hair, the wet and mud causing a hilarious mess as he suavely turned to Evans and told her, "you know, I'd still come down here and get you even if I didn't have magic to hold my breath for an hour."

She gave him a sour look for joking at a time like this, the boy really had no bounds.

This remark did have the effect of getting someone else's attention though.

"What do you mean it'd be Evans down here?" Sirius Black whined like a kicked puppy. He came over and gave his friend a good prod in the side to make sure he had his full attention.

"Oh come on Padfoot, we all know the merpeople would have murdered you out of sheer annoyance, even if you were asleep. At least I have a chance at getting her out in time," James Potter more than happily teased him.

Lily was watching all of this with a single raised brow and complete disbelief this idiot thought she needed anyone's help, he knew better than anyone what she was perfectly capable of. So then it really was just a show, one her, Alice, and Frank found themselves sucked into. By the time Harry had eaten the odd plant, gotten into the water, and found himself past the grindylows, almost all of the tension had been sapped out of them.

Now Harry was actually down in the village, the first one to do so, and honest fascination as first Krum showed up, transfigured into a shark! James could have kicked himself he hadn't thought of that one, he really had been worried. Then Cedric with something odd, like a fishbowl on his head, they'd never even heard of that one. Then Harry decided enough was enough, he wasn't going to leave the poor little Fleur junior girl down here and took matters into his own hands, dragging her and his best mate up.

It was nice to have the chapter end on such a happy note for once, Regulus decided, as Harry was awarded high marks for his act of bravery, even if he should have realized they wouldn't have just left the kids down here to die, obviously, he'd known that all along... the errant thought didn't stop his eyes from lingering on the four one last time as he warned the others he was almost done, their gaunt faces and the meaning they held leaving him with a sinking feeling heavier than the mud they were still standing in. It was obvious who Sirius would have down here, whom everyone around him would be able to really answer in an instant they'd pick. It was an obvious answer to everyone, except him.

[queerofthedagger]

8 or 46 for jegulus? for the prompt list thing—

Hey Nonnie, thanks for the prompt! I did 46: “Argument leading to kissing/sex”

A Thin Line

Pairing: James/Regulus; Wc: 2367; Ao3

Warnings: Not really any, but: Angst with a happy ending; Some fighting but nothing really violent/bloody etc.; Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Summary: Regulus doesn’t cope well with Sirius running away. At all. He starts taking it out on James, who minds less than he probably should. But there always is a breaking point, in the end.

*

It starts after their first Quidditch game of James’ 6th year. Gryffindor won against Slytherin by 10 points, James scoring the deciding goal only seconds before Regulus caught the Snitch and, due to all the congratulations directly afterwards, he’s the last to leave the locker room after taking a shower.

Obviously, he’s in high spirits and whistles to himself while locking the door, utterly unprepared when someone barrels into him, hands pushing roughly against his chest. His back crashes into the door frame, head hitting against unforgiving wood and he needs a second too long to make out who exactly is attacking him, long enough for a hand to fist into his collar.

“You think you’re so bloody brilliant, don’t you Potter?!” Regulus spits and he feels his eyes widen in surprise. Of all the people, he didn’t expect Sirius’ little brother to ambush him; well, that’s not completely true – he didn’t expect Regulus to attack him, physically, without magic.

His surprise and subsequent silence aren’t received very well, Regulus shoving against him once more and he winces at the sharp edge digging into his back, hands flying up on their own accord, curling around Regulus’ wrists.

Regulus might be a bit taller than him but he’s pretty sure that he’s stronger – still, he doesn’t want to fight with him, is still a bit bewildered that this is actually happening at all, and tries to say as calmly as he can muster, “Come on, we won fair and square, this isn’t worth fighting over. I didn’t cheat or anything – “

Apparently, it’s the wrong thing to say because Regulus tightens his grip on his collar and sneers, eyes blazing with fury. “What, unlike us horrible, unworthy Slytherins?!”

And really, James didn’t even mean it that way, didn’t even think that but his patience is quickly running out and he tightens his own grip around Regulus’ wrists, feeling the bones move underneath his fingers.

They stare at each other and there’s still some hope left within him that Regulus will just let him go, but he does no such thing and James thinks it’s rather justified when he pushes forward, putting all his weight behind it and simultaneously kicking Regulus’ feet out from underneath him.

He didn’t account for Regulus to keep a hold of his robes and they tumble to the ground in a heap of tangled limbs, elbows digging into ribs, a knee hitting him into the stomach that it knocks his breath out, enough for Regulus to turn them around and pin him down.

They’re both panting and what James has in strength, Regulus has in agility, leading them to roll around on the ground more than anything else. Surprisingly enough, Regulus doesn’t seem like he really wants to hurt him, there are no thrown punches, no deliberate infliction of injuries – really, it reminds him more of the joke-wrestling he does with Sirius from time to time than an actual fight, he just doesn’t get the whole purpose of it.

Eventually, they’re both out of breath, sweating and dirt hanging in their hair and their clothes, and Regulus just rolls down from him, both of them silent except for their laboured breathing.

It’s barely a minute until Regulus pulls himself up, throws a glare over his shoulder and disappears, leaving James behind at the side of the pitch, dirtier than after the match, confused and maybe a little turned on – not that he would admit that, even to himself.

*

James put the whole thing down to some exuberant frustration over the lost Quidditch match and kept the incident to himself. No matter how much he pretends otherwise, Sirius is still struggling with the whole ‘running away from home’ – thing and would probably run off to hex the living daylight out of his brother, and it feels wrong to tell the others but not him.

It’s not long until it happens again though, this time after one of his detentions. He’s on his way back from cleaning cauldrons for Slughorn and it’s after curfew, when Regulus appears out of nowhere, pushing him against the rough stone wall of the dimly lit corridor.

Like last time, there’s no magic being used, no serious injuries inflicted, just pushing and pulling at each other, taking turns with pinning the other to the wall and an endless string of insults and swearwords on Regulus’ part – honestly, he’s surprised he even knows that many curses.

He tries, a few times, to get out of him just what his bloody problem is, but except a vicious “Fuck you, Potter!” there isn’t any answer, and it ends much like the last time, both of them out of breath, staring at each other for long moments before Regulus disappears as quickly as he came.

He still keeps it to himself, but he feels like suddenly, he’s seeing him everywhere; glaring at him across the Great Hall, eyes meeting and shoulders colliding in the corridors between classes, and at least once a week, Regulus finds him somewhere and they fight, if you can call it that; in dark corridors, empty classrooms, after Quidditch training – somehow, Regulus always seems to find him.

Maybe the strangest part about it is that James actually enjoys it, in a twisted sense of the word. It’s kind of exhilarating, rough and messy and the perfect way to let off some steam, and he thinks that this might be the actual reason Regulus searches him out in the first place.

Regulus keeps insulting him, harsh words pressed out between panting gasps of air, but over the weeks it shifts from simple swear-words to more personal accusations, of destroying his family, of taking his brother away from him, of ‘all of it being his fault,’ and James thinks that he should maybe address the whole issue, should maybe just hold him down and ask him what the hell is going on because he knows that this is not normal, not healthy, and it doesn’t help that he feels a strange mixture of sympathy, desire to help and arousal every time it happens.

He never does though, the desperation he can make out underneath all that fury somehow stopping him, the way he just understands that right now, this is the only way Regulus is actually able to deal with everything, but he can’t shake the feeling that there’s more behind it than Sirius leaving Grimmauld Place.

Of course, his friends notice that something is off after the first few weeks – questions about the bruises on his body, about him zoning out and no longer asking Lily to go out with him every other day, but he puts it down to Quidditch practice and worrying about the war respectively, and while he can see that they don’t believe him completely, they thankfully let him be, most of the time.

The Christmas holidays come and go, with James spending too much time pressing his fingers into the blue and purple bruises on his arms, laying them into the fading marks shaped like more slender fingers, tracing red scratches on his wrists, faint memories of dull pain he misses more than he cares to admit; though if he’s honest – and as desperately as he tries not to be, he’s not mad enough to deceive himself that much – it’s not the actual pain he’s missing but the raw realness it stems from, that strange, rough intimacy, and he vows to himself to finally do something about it, soon.

They find each other on their first night back, not that he made it difficult, wandering the corridors close to the dungeons, and James startles at how horrible Regulus looks. It’s only been three weeks, but his cheeks are hollow and his eyes dull, dark shadows underneath them, but he doesn’t have a second to think about it before Regulus crashes into him with so much force that all air leaves him in a rush.

Regulus is even more frantic than usual, his eyes wild and words spilling from his lips, fractions of sentences of ‘bloody bastard,’ and ‘I hate you,’ of ‘it’s your fault,’ and ‘fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!’ and James tries to keep up, he really does but it doesn’t take long until Regulus has him pinned against the wall, their bodies pressed together and his wrists held in an iron grip at his sides.

Grey eyes pierce right through him, they’re both panting harshly and Regulus’ hair is a mess, sticking to his face, but the only thing James can think of is that at least his eyes aren’t dull anymore and then he doesn’t think anything at all, because Regulus is crashing their mouths together, teeth sinking into his lips and it’s rough and painful and bloody perfect.

There’s a small voice inside his mind telling him that this is madness, but Regulus’ hands are pulling at his hair and his clothes and he’s pressing impossibly close, and all he can do is trying to keep up, fisting his hands into the front of Regulus’ robes and praying that this won’t end in a huge disaster.

As soon as he thinks that, Regulus pulls back, eyes wide and swimming with tears, the picture making something painful lurch in his chest, but before he can react, can say or do anything, Regulus turns and runs, ignoring his calls for him to wait.

He slumps against the wall, running a hand over his face and through his hair and wondering when everything became so terribly fucked up.

*

The following week, it’s like Regulus simply vanished. He’s not in the Great Hall during meals, he doesn’t see him once in the corridors and he doesn’t even attend the Slytherin Quidditch practices. Each day, James’ worry increases despite him being sure after the first day that it couldn’t get any worse.

He contemplates asking after him but it’s not like he can just walk up to some Slytherin and inquire after Regulus Black, so on Thursday, he skips his last class, armed with his cloak and the map and then spends an hour hidden next to the Greenhouse.

Apparently, he has some luck left after all, because Regulus leaves a few minutes after the rest of his classmates and, despite feeling like a creep, he follows him until he enters the dungeon and then pulls him into an abandoned classroom.

As soon as he pulls his cloak off he leans against the door, determined to finally sort this out; honestly, he might not have minded serving as a punching bag for the last few months but he’s bloody worried by now and, no matter how exhilarating the whole thing was, he knows that this is some unhealthy shit they had going on.

Regulus is glaring daggers at him, mouth pressed into a thin line and arms crossed over his chest, but he’s not attacking him, so James counts it as a win.

He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair before he says, “Alright, tell me what’s going on please?”

A scoff is his only response, but he didn’t expect it to be that easy, anyway.

“Listen, I know we don’t really know each other but I think that fighting like a Muggle in hidden corridors is not your usual style and believe it or not, I’m worried about you, so, you know, as a sign of gratitude could you please tell me what’s wrong?!” he tries again but instantly sees that it was the wrong thing to say. 

Regulus takes a few steps forward, still glaring. “Oh, as a sign of gratitude, as if you didn’t enjoy it,” he sneers, but there are so much anger and desperation flickering through his eyes that the cold mask looks distorted on his face.

He raises his hands and shakes his head, trying to stay calm. “I didn’t say that and that’s exactly my point, it’s not like it doesn’t matter to me –“

“Shut up!” Regulus interrupts him furiously, crossing the remaining distance faster than James can react and punching his chest. “Don’t act like you bloody care, alright, it’s your fault anyway you fucking – “

A sob escapes him and his punches are so uncoordinated by now that his hands are more scrambling than anything else, his whole body trembling, and James does the only thing he can think of, the same he does when Sirius is in a state like this, putting his arms around him and hugging him tightly.

Regulus doesn’t resist, just slumping against him with sobs wracking his whole body, and James is a bit startled at how much it hurts to see him like this.

“They – they’re going to force me… They want me to take the mark,” Regulus presses out between sobs, his hands digging harshly into James’ arms and he can feel all the blood drain from his face.

“No,” he says vehemently, clenching his eyes shut and shaking his head, but Regulus simply laughs, so bitter and hollow that it makes his chest ache.

“I’m not like – like Sirius, I can’t… I don’t have anyone to – anywhere to go, I just –“

“No,” he repeats, even more fiercely and presses his face into Regulus’ shoulder. “You have me, and that’s enough. I swear to Merlin, if you don’t want to, you won’t, I promise you.”

There’s no answer for a long time, Regulus calming down slowly but neither of them let go, and James doesn’t know how much time has passed, his back is aching and his head spinning, but there’s not the slightest doubt within him that he won’t let this happen.

Eventually, Regulus lifts his head, his eyes red and so very desperate. “Do you really mean it?”

He nods, smiling slightly. “I always keep my promises.”

Regulus just looks at him for long moments before leaning forward and kissing him softly, carefully even, like he’s just as afraid as James that the moment will break any second now. It’s the polar opposite to their first kiss but he thinks it’s just as perfect, maybe even more so because this time, he feels like while it certainly won’t be easy, they’re going to be alright.

-

I hope you liked it! You can still send me prompts if you like.

[hpdabbles]

The Boy in Room 512

Sirius walks up the stairs to the fifth floor where all the noise is coming from. He checks his walkie talkie, making sure it’s on and connected to the front desk just in case. 

Frank was at the front tonight and was instructed to call the police if Sirius didn’t report back in thirty minutes. Sometimes, those he went to go quite down got a bit too tipsy and a bit incorporative.   

 He marches up to room 512, with confident steps and silently annoyed frown.  He can hear the male laughter through the door, merrymaking way past silent hours but luckily no loud music. Some of the other students had placed a compliment about the jumping and shouting however and that meant they needed to shut up.  

He knocks as loud and as hard as he can shouting out  “Housing!” 

There is a moment of stillness. Sirius waits just a bit before knocking again “Housing! Please open up!”

Some muffled cursing and quick thumping let him know the group is attempting to hide the party, and the guests, making him sigh. It’s not against the rules to have friends stay over but they must be of the same gender and they must also be living in the residence hall. He doesn’t want to right up any citations tonight, he’s got about three essays due soon and he rather not deal with the paperwork on top of it, but it’s his job and his means to eat.

He pulls out his ticket pad. 

“Housing!” Sirius calls once more, raising his fist to give the door a good beating before it swings up and Sirius loses all mental functioning. A guy about his age with small white scars across a sheepish face stands before him.

 He’s wearing an oversized undershirt on that hangs off the left shoulder, a red beanie, and stain sweats.  By all accounts, he shouldn’t be as attractive as he is but somehow he manages to pull the look off.

He’s also taller. By half ahead, give or take, but still enough to make Sirius mouth dry when he rubs the back of his neck.  “I’m guessing you’re here about the noise...”

The stranger’s voice kick starts Sirius’ brain. He mentally kicks himself for gaping at the hot guy like a desperate loser.  Gathering all his sense he raises an unimpressed eyebrow attempting to imitate his younger brother whenever he got caught in Sirius’ pranks.

Judging, by the way, the male’s shoulders hunch defensibly it’s a pretty darn good imitation. Thank you Regulus, you’re Stare of Shame is a most useful tool in my work.

“I am. You’ve should know silence hours started two hours ago.” Sirius starts raising his citation pad, watching the guy wince. “My name is Sirius. I’m on RA duty tonight. I have to take a look around your dorm.”

“Sure come on in.” 

Sirius steps in giving the room a wide scan, taking in the private dorm with a circle eye looking for anything that is against the rules. There are three other males inside all giving him nervous looks that instantly have him on guard.

All of them seem to be of age, which means the beer bottles he sees aren’t going to be a problem. The pulled out couch and sleeping bags are a little more interesting. He doesn’t recognize any of them but Sirius isn’t sure if that means they aren’t residents, seeing as he is the RA for the first two floors but he was taking over for the fourth and fifth floors as Alice had a wedding to attend. 

There are far too many sleeping bags for just four people though. Ah, they must have some girls hiding in the bathroom or closest. 

“Can I see your student ID?” He asks the guy who opened the door. He nods quickly, going over to where a wallet is resting and pulling out the plastic card. He hands it over, allowing Sirius to confirm it’s his room based off the student information he brought with him.

Remus Lupin. Sirius thinks amused  Werewolf McWerewolf. His parents must like werewolves. 

“I’m really sorry about the noise. We got carried away playing Personal Questions.” Remus babbles. He waves his hand at the card game “I swear we will quite down.”

“It’s alright. Just a first warning anyway.”  Gosh but this guy is biting his lip. Does he know how distracting that is? Sirius needs something to focus on quick!

 His eyes fall to the closest door.  

The short chubby guy shifts about, eyes roaming between Sirius and the wood. So that’s where the girls are.  “You can come out now. I know you’re in the closest.”

There is a moment of stillness before a redhead and blond emerges looking beyond embarrassed. “Ladies, you must be aware of the rules correct? The ones that state no opposite gender may spend the night in each other's dorms?”

“We do,” The redhead says, staring at her feet like a little girl who just got told to go into time out.  “We’re so sorry.”

Sirius stares at her for a moment before nodding.  “I’ll let it go. If anyone asks I sent you both home.”

“You do that?” Remus asks amazed. 

Sirius smirks up at him.  “Sure. As long as no drugs or anything deadly is going on, I don’t care. ‘Side’s the noise, I care about that since it was reported in. If you all quite down no one has to know about the ladies.”

Remus awards him with a brilliant grin that has him feeling warm all the way back to the front. He didn’t write any citations, having them all agree to party a little more quietly. 

He kicks open the residents' office with a loud. “Frank, I’m gay!”

Frank, a long-time friend since they were both young and their parents often pushing them together in an attempt to raise in the social ladder, doesn’t even bat an eye. In fact he didn’t raise his head from behind the magazine his girlfriend worked for. “Nice.” 

“I’m serious”

“And my name is Frank” 

Sirius gives him the look that deserves. “That joke stopped being funny years ago”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not relevant.” 

Blowing the hair out of his eyes- his man bun started to fall apart hours ago but Sirius is much too lazy to re-do it allowing strains of his hair to flop about- and he kicks his friends’ legs off the coffee table. Frank finally removes his eyes from Alice’s article to scowl at him. 

“You know Remus Lupin?”  He says throwing all his weight into his flop on the couch. They have to stay in the front until two am tonight then they both have the weekend off, as long as no one on their dorm send them a personal text. 

Frank’s eyebrow raises.  “Yes, I do. He’s the guy who broke his bathroom sink.”

Sirius insides freeze.  “The Sink-humper?”

“What-no! For the last time Sirius, the sink didn’t break because he was having some weird sex thing on it!” Frank is actually blushing, which is hilarious. Sometimes his goodie-two-shoes of a friend was too easy to fluster. 

Alice has already told him the sink broke because there was something in the pipes but they both agree to keep saying Sink-Humper just to watch Frank squirm. 

“If you say so” 

“I really do say so-”

“I wasn’t having sex on my sink!” 

Both of them jump swinging around to find Remus looking horrified. In his hand, he is holding Sirius’ citation pad causing the black hair man to slap a hand over his pocket suprise to find it empty. 

“Remus....how much did you hear?” Sirius asks slowly. He can feel the dread setting in the pit of his stomach. He hasn’t even found out if he’s interested in guys yet! 

“Since you asked if he knew me,” Remus says clearing his throat. Despite the blush on his checks he looks mildly put out. “I never had sex on my sink. It was clogged. That’s all. Here you forgot this.”

Franks eyes him closely as the brown hair male comes closer to give the little pad back to a blushing Sirius before announcing with an approving nod. “Alright, I see it.”

“See what?”  

“Don’t worry about that Lupin. Just know I’m bi-myself with curiosity and can understand Sirius is all.”  

Remus still looks confused but Sirius shots his friend a warning look, one that could have killed him if he had any heat ray in his eyes. Frank returns it with a shrug but gives Remus a friendly smile. “Have a good night Lupin.”

“Um”  Suprise by the obvious dismissal Remus blinks, he glances at Sirius before nodding.  “Yeah, you too. Night.”

They both watch him leave before Frank is back on his magazine. “He was checking you out.”

“He was!?” 

“Yeah, you should wait till Alice comes back before making a move though. You can’t date anyone who’s hall you’re in charge of. ”

“Frank are you sure? Are you absolutely sure?! Was he really chacking me out?!”

Frank locks eyes with him over the magazine wagging his eyebrows.  “He looked you up and down and then stared at your mouth the entire time. I bet he’ll be asking about you.”

Sirus grins feeling hopeful and nervous all at once. “Maybe he’ll like to see the art show next week with me.”

“Maybe. Looks the type to like art galleries.”  

They each sit in comfortable silence after that waiting for their shifts to be over. Sirius works on his essays but in the back of his mind, he thinks about the boy in room 512 and wonders if he’s doing the same.