#render me speechless

[kamandzak]

Excerpt | Working Title 'Render Me Speechless'

Context - Sam has a dissociative/suicidal ideation episode.

I wanted to rip my hand out of Will’s and run out into oncoming traffic. I wanted to run over to the lawn care service three units down and douse myself in their gasoline before setting myself on fire. I wanted to find the nearest standing body of water and lay face-first until it took me over completely. I wanted to be anywhere but alive. Living meant I had to remain aware of all the ways in which I had caused pain in another’s life, intentional or not. I had to keep the memories of Cassie and Chance and my mother and the people who had come and gone without leaving much of an impact at all but who still weighed me down like the stones in Virginia Woolfe’s coat pockets. I longed for a way to kill the synapses that connected me to those who I cared for but that would leave my physical body intact. Maybe I didn’t want to kill myself. Maybe I just wanted to kill the parts of me that made living unbearable.

I wasn’t living in that kind of world, though. I wasn’t living in an episode of Futurama in the year 3000 where doctors could simply go in and laser the connections between the conscious and unconscious with no repercussions or consequences. I was living in the present and it was excruciating. Every movement, whether I was aware of it or not, was working to pull an aching anchor through Mariana’s Trench depths and sunless silt. With each new notch in my belt of life’s experiences came another anchor, and with each anchor came the increase in required effort not to merely remain in motion but simply to keep my head from going under. I was in a constant fight to not let the dark sides of me win.

A bolt cutter snipped one of the heavy chains, allowing for buoyancy as I managed to lift my head out of the unrelenting waves. I was in a living room – whose I didn’t know – and overwhelming anger rose quickly. Why couldn’t I just get it together? Why did I remain so out of control when I could identify y demons? What was I missing? I couldn’t start healing until I found that tray piece of the puzzle. I was starting to think I’d never see it again. “You’re safe.” I retched at the words. Safe. What did that even mean? Safe was gone – dead in the water. “I promise. You don’t believe me but you are.” A firm pressure wrapped around my upper body and I prayed it was Death at last giving me the greatest gift of my ‘life’. After all, there were no recollections of what it felt like to die out in the living world. For all we knew it felt like the truest, deepest love from a person who cared for us unconditionally. So appealing it was; so inviting was the idea of death – and better yet seeing Cass and Mom again – that I found myself relaxing into the warm arms of the End of Times. “There you go.” The Grim Reaper was speaking to me, drawing me in, the grip tightening and crawling up my spine to the nape of my neck. “You’re safe.” Coming from the mouth of the Afterworld, Will’s sentiment was a source of otherworldly understanding. “Sam?”

By name I was being beckoned. “Can you look at me?” I didn’t dare open my eyes and behold that which welcomed me without extraneous commentary. “No.” “That’s okay. Follow me, then.” I did so willingly, enthusiastically even, blindly led into a space no more or less dark as I didn’t dare to open my eyes but with a refreshing chill that reined in my heartbeat. I would be calm and relaxed for my introduction to whatever was awaiting me on the other side…. The first thing to go right in a long time. So far out of myself was I that it never occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t fully aware of my sense of being. “Sit.” I obeyed. “Take this.” Instinctively I lifted my hands and grasped at something unknown. “Drink.” The tip of a straw flitted across my tongue and with the stream of cold liquid came a sledgehammer to my throat as I was clotheslined by realty and realized that I wasn’t dead but instead sitting on a foreign couch in a foreign place with a barely-discernible face staring down at me. The featureless pale oval could have belonged to anyone; Cass, Chance, Mom… hell, even Dad or the cryptid Slenderman. Was Death faceless?

The figure moved and with it the surroundings shifted into focus. I wasn’t dead. I was gripping a glass of water so tightly my knuckles were pale, my chest heaving, and my eyes staring straight into those of Will as he crouched in front of me with his hands on my knees.

It was the first time I’d come out the other side of hell to find the person from Before still around.

[demigods-posts]

while the stables scene is a great example of percabeth's growth as a couple, particularly regarding their switch of roles in who plans for their future. an even better example is when they first told the other they loved them. annabeth, who is a well-respected strategist due to how well she can plan for the future, tells him as quickly as possible before something or someone could take him away from her again. she seized the first opportunity she had free of plan. percy, on the other hand, who is known for his impulsiveness and reckless planning, tells her two books later. not because he wasn't head over heels the entire hoo series. but because he was planning for the right moment. he wanted to wait until he could give her permanence and stability on a silver platter because he knows how much it means to her.

[pyotrkochetkov]

Mat Barzal playing guitar 🎸

[raceweek]

what the fuck is a simulator? the only grind he knows is having important business meetings with his cat

[luxthestrange]

Beastars Incorrect Quotes#13 It's always the quiet ones...

You & Legoshi Cuddling alone

Y/n*Nuzzles into his fluffy chest as you lay in his bed*It's funny how we are opposites but we're in love, Huh?

Legoshi*Smiles and lets out a calming sighs*It is~...Tell me thought*Sits you and him up*...Would you like it if I were*Looks away and then back at you*...Evil?

Y/n*Blinks and sits up straight and rubs neck*UH-...I-...uhhh

Legoshi*Stands up opening arms*Something more like...*Stands tall, not crouching as he lets out a low growl exposing his canines in a twisted grin*This~?

Y/n*Panics and feels heart go up to their throat, cheeks reddening*UM-I-DSJDH-...OH-WOO~*coughs into a fist and backs away as he leans over down to hold your chin with his claw with a sultry gaze shifting to your lips and exposed shoulders*hehehe~ ah-

Legoshi: Maybe I'll hunt you down like the prey that you are to me~*Grazing his claw up your chin to tap your lips, making sure sharp claws only graze them ever too gently*and when I catch you...Do something REEEEAL BAAAAAD~*Tongue tip grazing your lips ever so softly*

Y/n*Shivering letting out a squeak, with a redden face*OOOoooo my goodness...

Legoshi*Returns back to normal, tail waggin' behind him patting your head, happy he pulled a prank on you*HAHAHA!-oh I could never~

Y/n*Feels whole face is on fire, Left completely dumbfounded*

[carbonmonoxide-detector]

hey

we pursue unobtainable experiences when life’s most beautiful revelations can be found in the mundane

staring at the sky when all around us is stardust

[soaps-mohawk]

I could see simon saying yes to being pegged, but he's on top and still dominant.

Simon riding your strap but it's a double ended dildo and you're cumming long before he does

[themadzarka]

Guess I was the one who needed you after all.

Prequel Piece

[schiff0rd]

[anxiously-sidequesting]

Not to keep beating dead horses like I so much love to do but I am still completely Flabbergasted and Astonished at how you (Merle Ambrose) could discover the most terrifying fact that a child that is essentially under your care has been indoctrinated into a cult (which, by the way, a process that has taken over the course of years) ((by an agent that has been stationed in a direct position to make it easier to access and manipulate children, that has easily escaped your notice for such a long time)) that worships a nihilistic entity whose ultimate goal is the absolute and total destruction of Everything and Everyone around you, and your one, single, simple-sentenced response to that is to say "Oh, that's a shame. He (Duncan) always was pretty terrible. Hope he gets better someday." And then to move on from those extremely worrying and dangerous bundle of issues permanently without taking any sort of action to protect the vulnerable and make sure nothing like this ever happens again

[sciderman]

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much Iranian hate and drama <:[

oh anon. hate to break it to you (a lot of people make this mistake) but iran and iraq are two entirely separate nations.

and also i think reducing it to the words "hate and drama" kind of doesn't cover it, anon.

[kamandzak]

Sentences in my new WIP that hurt to write

Working title: Render me Speechless

Premise: Army medic Sam Taylor (narrator) loses his best friend and is left with a letter revealing secrets about her life. Said secrets lead to Sam landing in New Orleans to complete a mission; a mission that will turn into a journey of mutual healing as common threads between two trouble men blend seamlessly with their growing feelings.

"I was on the Formula One racetrack to nowhere for what felt like both minutes and lifetimes and when I finally hit the wall, I was on the sidewalk running in front of a small row of attached townhomes. If my life depended on giving directions to my current location, I’d be hung out by my heels and shot, and that would have been a welcome alternative to the real world."

"There was something horrifyingly stagnant in the knowledge and sensation that I was simply nowhere and nothing. What was life, and who was I, and why hadn’t I died instead of Cass, and why was I too much of a coward to put myself out of my own misery? I didn’t deserve to be alive."

"It was as if I no longer held the rights to my own bones."

"'Do you dissociate a lot? It’s nothing to be ashamed of,' he added quickly. 'It’s just a way to keep parts of you safe. It’s you protecting you in the only way that seems to work.' Will was staring straight ahead as if he hadn’t just encapsulated my yo-yo-ing brain in such a simple and clear way. 'It probably feels like everyone is watching but in the end we know who we are and taking care of yourself to the tune of others music will only muffle yours.'"

"Part of the programming of my childhood – intentional or not – was that only I could fix my problems and that the easy way was most likely a shortcut. You wouldn’t follow XYZ off a cliff, would you? Maybe not, but if I’m on an island that’s ablaze and there’s a boat at the bottom of the cliff, I’d rather live."

"I hated Cassie’s last few moments but I would have rather shouted them from the mountaintops than think about the version of me that would never set foot in the US again."

"The weight had dropped and all I could do was sit and be clung to by a man drowning in the finality of what a complete stranger had thrown into his life."

"J burst into sobs so gut wrenching I felt nauseous. They weren’t the cries of a dying soldier passing me his valuables so they could be sent to his partner. They weren’t the wails of a spouse who flew a distance to ID their loved one. These were the sounds of a man lit on fire; a man so distraught I wished I had snuck a gun into the ER so I could put him out of his misery."

"Being raised by a narcissist did a number on my childhood, namely that I never really had one. Being constantly forced into a mold meant I never found my default self. Add my unstable and impressionable mother with her own demons and I was a parentified child by my teens. No matter the issue, I was expected to find a solution and impartially execute. No fix equaled failure. Failure equaled blame. Blame laid the foundation and expectation and realty that any negative connections to said lack of fix was therefore my fault.

Adults have the experience and mental acuity to find the most effective fixes and the best ways to apply them. Ten-year-old's don’t."

"There was no doubt in my mind that combat had royally fucked me up. Beyond the injuries resulting from an ambush on our makeshift base, the range of ways in which every aspect of my existence was a barren wasteland terrified me. The Army had given me a place and purpose after a not-so-stellar childhood. The fact that something I held so close was also the reason I’d never feel comfortable in my own skin again broke my heart. It was all I had had and all I would ever have."

[iwozlegit]

|| 🍍• A very, very drunk Orion Pax of Iacon in his first ever Kaon bar waiting for Megatronus to come back with some more drinkies …

Orion: Ahhhh Megatronus! Champion of the streets…

Orion: …soon-to-be Champion in my sheets…

Megatronus: *smashes glasses*

Megatronus: *drags Orion* H-home…hometime NOW

[dylanconrique]

i didn't notice it before but rewatching the hug i saw that tim was fighting back a smile as he settled into lucy's arms when he was like "i am now" while on the other hand lucy's eyes are tearing up cause she's just that overwhelmingly worried about tim despite the fact that she's still very upset with him for lying and then using that as a reason to abruptly break up with her, and i just-

[eyesofshan-if]

You’re telling me nobody except the ROs find MC hot??? Like you’re telling me there’s no one person who was like attracted to them even like in a derogatory way??? Like you’re telling me no one was concocting fucked up fantasy where they get to tame or be dominated by the devil’s ancestors and do some con non con shit???? Like I know the Haeians are racist but I’m pretty sure some of them are horny racists. And like has no one had a midlife crisis about the MERE FACT that they find MC, a Shan attractive???? That they want to be swept up by their feet and live away from societal pressures with a Shan, living the most humiliating but liberating romance which would be recorded on Hae’s history books????

Please tell me to stop I’m going loony from the lack of sleep - 🔫

me reading this:

[madame-mongoose]

Interesting

THATS THE FUNNIEST MOST DEVASTATING THING YOU COULD SAY IN MY INBOX