i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
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This is gonna sound SOOO off or smthn but
Was the Perfect Family Harmony planned to be a weapon against the Bergens?
Long post ahead bc brain is rotting
Ok so as we know, the Perfect Family Harmony is smthn that's so powerful that its capable of shattering diamonds. Not just that but its one of the only thing capable of doing so(according to Floyd it was the only thing but giving the benefit of the doubt)
So we know its strong, and we saw it blasting off Velvet and Veneer off their platforms when they performed it, and they weren't even the targets, they were blasted away by just the shockwave that came with using it.
"Its that powerful."
Ok, so its definitely powerful enough to be used as a weapon right? Yeah it was relatively safe enough to use in front of a crowd, else they wouldn't have tried to do it during a concert, but that could just be when those harmonizing aren't targeting anything.
If it could shatter diamonds, how easily could it break cages? What would it do if it was used to target a Bergen? A whole Kingdom of Bergens?
Lets also go back to that concert, to that time John was obsessed with them getting it right. They were in the Troll tree, in Bergentown, a place where any of them could die during Trollstice. The Bergens were a huge threat, something that trolls, at their size, couldn't fight back against normally so they had to run instead right?
But what if they COULD fight back? What if they had a weapon so powerful that it might finally be able to free them? To defeat the monsters that tortured their kind for centuries?
What if John Dory found a way to help make sure nothing would threaten his brothers' safety ever again?
Like, it'd make John Dory's obsession make SOOO MUCH MORE SENSE
Like yea he clearly has OCD and anxiety and some bossiness and that definitely added to it all, but imagine if it was more than that?
Look at him during that performance. He was in deep. He had a wild look in his eyes, a sort of deranged obsession to have everything be perfect no matter what. It wasn't healthy, it was scary, maybe even downright terrifying for his brothers who had to be subjected to it.
But you know what else he looked like?
Terrified
Man was scared out of his mind. His anxiety and stress levels were through the roof. He probably was one wrong tune away from hyperventilating.
What if it was bc it was so much more than the fans? What if he put the salvation of the entire troll-kind on his shoulders?
One wrong step meant they were nothing.
One wrong step meant disappointing the fans.
One wrong step meant letting down the kingdom.
One wrong step meant another troll getting eaten.
Thats why when they failed, John blew up. He took all of that self-hatred of failing to use that weapon to defeat the bergens and poured it all onto his brothers.
"I know we can reach the Perfect Family Harmony."
"What if we don't want to."
John Dory, blind to how and WHY his brothers didn't want to follow his lead, felt betrayed.
To him, all he's ever done was to ensure their safety, everything was for the greater good. He'd done everything he could, his goals slowly twisting him into a crazed obsession. To hear his brothers say they didn't want to help anymore might've struck a cord too much. If you'd noticed he actually looked really sad and hurt when they started bringing up how much they hated being in the band, but it slowly twisted to anger instead. Kind of in a like, "I tried doing everything for these shts and THIS is how they repay me???" way. He was so stressed and stuck in his own head with his failures that he just couldn't see what his brothers were trying to say.
So in a fit of impulsive rage, he left. To him it probably was like that rlly childish way of saying "Yea im leaving, good luck dealing with the Bergens while im goneee." You know? Like how kids runaway from home when they get angry or upset over every little thing but come back when they realize how stupid that was?
"Im not allowed to change."
And he DID come back. Who knows how long, but he did. Imagine how he must've felt seeing their empty pod in an empty tree, with the knowledge that he could've done something about it. The Perfect Family Harmony could've saved them. They could've used it to break the cage, to fight the Bergens. Hell, it could've been powerful enough to wipe out all the Bergens if they do so wished.
"Im the oldest, I have to be the leader."
He and his brothers were the only ones who'd ever gotten close to getting it right.
"Why do you think I moved into the middle of nowhere? So I didn't have to be in charge of anyone."
The village was counting on them. Counting on him. He let them down. He failed.
"Freeing the village Four little brothers is a lot of responsibility."
They could've gotten it. If only John did it right. If only John did it differently.
If only John Dory was Perfect
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Artists creating specifically to sell and trading off (some of) their own style to do it, activists begging for attention and shares and media coverage because they aren't being paid enough attention, UNWRA desperate for donations, the percentage of people who don't mask in 2024 compared to deaths and disabilities, ppl who need to be convinced to vote with principles that save lives and that genocide is unacceptable, how a living wage or UBI is believed to be "unrealistic" despite the trillions in shareholder investment accounts.
....I'm starting to think Mainstream People™ fucking suck, ngl. In fact, dare I say that Mainstream People are the biggest obstacle to progress now.
Malcolm X said it was the white liberal as did a lot of other revolutionaries and thinkers.
I, however, think anyone who can hold their own comfort over someone else's suffering is the problem.
Why are the rest of us constantly begging and shouting and changing ourselves and our bodies in an effort to make them care about us? To make them see us? To give us rights? To bless us with the support needed to make a living?
Same shit, different generations. And idk about y'all, but I would love to be the last generations who ever had to hate themselves to survive.
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