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reyrapidsbutgayer · 7 months

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Ranking All Elden Ring Bosses by Fuckability

It was only a matter of time until I made a post like this.

In this hypothetical all of the bosses can be reasonably communicated with and are not actively trying to kill you.

Repeat bosses not included, duo bosses counted seperate.

It should also be assumed that all of these bosses have access to their magic/items/resources to benefit them in bed.

Explanation of Grading system:

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

These characters are not sentient enough to communicate consent, or are physically incapable of sex.

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Character sucks so badly that they do not deserve to experience pleasure in any shape or form.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

These character are fully capable of sex but would never participate in sex due to lack of interest or overabundance of moral convictions.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

I mean, you COULD have sex with these characters but why would you?

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

These characters are average in bed, nothing crazy or noticeable. Some might end up in this category because they ARE good at sex, but the entire process would be inconvenient or uncomfortable to initiate.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

These characters are good at sex, give or take a few points depending on their mood or situation.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

These characters excel in giving pleasure and would be well worth the time and effort involved.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

These characters would be so good at sex that all other factors are irrelevant. They are serving and we are here for it.

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

These are characters that should fall lower in the rankings, but their sexual prowess supersedes their inherent awfulness to a noteworthy degree.

Full list below the read more. Obviously it's not going to be sfw.

Ineligible: (Cannot give consent)

Dragonkin Soldier:

Mindless beast

Astel, Naturalborn of the Void

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Fia's Champions:

Ghosts, simps.

Regal Ancestor Spirit

Animal

Erdtree Avatar

A plant

Great Wyrm Theodorix

Mindless beast.

Ulcerated Tree Spirit

A plant, no junk

Tibia Mariner:

Skeleton

Red Wolf of the Champion:

Animal.

Full-Grown Fallingstar Beast

Weird rock alien, doesn't/can't understand.

Abductor Virgin

First off, just some snakes in a robot. Second, virgin.

Erdtree Burial Watchdog

Stone gargoyle

Crystalians

Non-organic

Mad Pumpkin Heads

Unable to consent due to madness.

Cemetery Shade

Unable to consent due to mind controlling parasite.

Spirit-Caller Snail

Animal

Runebear

Animal

Miranda the Blighted Bloom

A plant

Guardian Golem

Stone gargoyle

Starscourge Radahn:

Unable to consent due to madness

Unfuckable: (Can give consent, but does not DESERVE sex)

Elden Beast:

Too catholic.

Sir Gideon Ofnir, the All-Knowing:

Dick game weak - unironically posts joker memes.

Omenkiller:

Basically a cop.

Necromancer Garris:

Killed his family, not a good husband.

Royal Revenant:

Won't stop screaming (in an unsexy way)

Godrick the Grafted:

Incel - Also all that murder and torture business but mostly the Incel stuff.

Uninterested: (Can give consent, does not WANT sex)

Valiant Gargoyle:

Could probably have sex if it wanted to, but is kinda going through a lot right now. Ya know, that whole "Is made of several corpses mashed together" thing.

Malenia, Blade of Miquella:

Look, I ALSO wanted her to higher up on this list, but let's be honest here. Her body is rotting and falling apart, she just isn't up for sex in her current form. In her prime? She'd be top of the list. She's the daughter of Marika and Radagon, she'd be playing fuck/marry/kill with every warrior who crossed her path. (in that order)

Death Rite Bird:

I think it might be physically capable of sex, but is too busy burning corpses to bother with stuff like that.

Black Blade Kindred:

Same reason as the Valiant Gargoyle but you might have like 2% more of a chance because they are goth.

Maliketh, the Black Blade:

Would normally be a sex god, but is too religious. Probably took a vow about this sort of thing.

Morgott, the Omen King:

You kidding me? This guy has the same energy as a repressed youth pastor. He's gonna be a virgin till the day he dies. The dude sided with the same religious order that locked him a sewer and tried to kill him. He's not out there getting phone numbers he's too busy praying and judging others for their 'impure thoughts'.

Draconic Tree Sentinel:

Married to his job, also physically chained to his horse. He ain't taking off that armor anytime soon.

Wormface:

Too sad, leave him alone his face is full of worms.

Tree Sentinel:

Same as the Draconic Tree Sentinel but he's a tiny bit more naive so you might have a better chance.

Elder Dragon Greyoll:

Too sleepy, but still kinda a milf.

Grafted Scion:

There might be some genitals in there somewhere but I don't think they know how or even want to use them.

Not worth it: (Can give consent, is terrible in bed)

Esgar, Priest of Blood:

No sense of hygiene, is always covered in blood (in an unsexy way)

Mohg, Lord of Blood:

This loser is dripping with all the least sexy bodily fluids and he has sharp horns sticking out of him. Even if you got him in bed you'd only enjoy like 5% of it. Plus you just know he'd be all needy afterwards and try to get you to join his MLM.

Borealis the Freezing Fog:

Too cold, not a snuggler.

Elemer of the Briar:

The armor stays ON during sex.

Kindred of Rot:

It's like all the worst possible aspects of alien biology, it won't be nearly as fun as you hoped.

Sanguine Noble:

Same as all the other Mohg followers, too sticky and too smelly.

Decaying Ekzykes:

He's sick right now, leave him alone.

Acceptable: (Can give consent, would be fine in bed)

Loretta, Knight of the Haligtree:

I'm sure she'd be a decent lover. Maybe a little overzealous but she'd has good intentions.

Grave Warden Duelist:

I mean these guys are hot and probably fuck like a truck but they are not the most caring lovers, also they are covered in live snakes so there is that.

Night's Cavalry:

If you like goth knights I'm sure they'd be fine.

Onyx Lord:

Their skin probably feels like stone, but I bet they can pull off all sorts of freaky zero-g sex stuff if you ask them.

Alabaster Lord:

Same as the Onyx Lord but slightly more goth.

Fell Twins:

Once you get past the horns and stuff I bet the Omens are actually pretty good in bed, just watch out.

Demi-Human Queens:

I feel like all Demi-humans are pretty good lovers but their biology probably has some unexpected drawbacks.

Stonedigger Troll:

If you can get past the texture and the size I bet they could be decent in bed.

Flying Dragon Greyll:

A surprisingly unsexy dragon, but a dragon is a dragon and still worth at least a one night stand.

Glintstone Dragon Adula:

A dragon willing to kill racist magic users, earns them a few extra points.

Beastman of Farum Azula:

On one hand the Beastmen probably have crazy mating skills, but they are also zombies, which detracts some points for all the decay.

Battlemage Hugues:

Contrary to popular belief, Wizards are not very good at sex. They spend all their time studying instead of partying, at least Hugues is willing to get his hands dirty.

Commander O'Neil:

Seems like a decent guy, but probably won't shut up about his time in the military. Also he is infected with scarlet rot so that might be a mood killer.

Bloodhound Knight Darriwil:

The bloodhound knights are probably pretty wild in bed if you can earn their loyalty, but good luck with that.

Adan, Thief of Fire:

The dude committed heresy, that has to earn him some sexy points.

Soldier of Godrick:

He's a good boy, he's doing his job so throw him a bone.

Flying Dragon Agheel:

One of the first dragons you encounter, so he earns some points for style.

Demi-Human Chief:

Same as the queens, but probably a bit rougher in bed.

Good Time: (Can give consent, would be great in bed)

Lichdragon Fortissax:

A much sexier dragon, you know they were hooking up with Godwin. Only loses some points for all the death rot.

Crucible Knight Siluria:

A bit gloomy, but I bet the crucible knights can do all sorts of freaky stuff with their animal body parts.

Mimic Tear:

A slippery liquid shapeshifter, need I say more?

Commander Niall:

A way better guy than O'Niel, plus he just a bit more daddy energy.

Fire Giant:

Once you get past his size, his sadness and the giant fell god of destruction in his chest, I bet he's got something going on.

Ancient Hero of Zamor:

Gives me Hercules/Amazonian vibes, I could be into it.

Cleanrot Knight:

Lesbian activities detected.

Crucible Knight:

These guys have tails, horns, wings and big old throat sacks. Imagine the possibilities.

Glintstone Dragon Smarag:

Has a sword. If you hear "Dragon holding a sword" and your pants aren't already off, we can't be friends.

Bols, Carian Knight:

He seems like a good boy.

Scaly Misbegotten:

I feel like the Misbegotten have some really interesting possibilities with their animal biology. I bet they have bonobo type societies and that could be fun.

Leonine Misbegotten:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Misbegotten Warrior:

Same as the other Misbegotten.

Knock your socks off: (Can give consent, would be amazing in bed)

Crucible Knight Ordovis:

Has all the desirable traits of a Crucible Knight but I also imagine they are super into threesomes.

Perfumer Tricia:

She seems really nice, and would be a super attentive lover. Plus she probably has access to crazy drugs and could hook you up.

Nox Swordstress & Nox Priest:

You just know that the Nox were getting up to crazy hot and crazy unethical experiments in their underground cities. These two probably get up to some wild shit and they are inviting you to join them.

Rennala, Queen of the Full Moon:

As she is now, I bet she'd be too sad to really be in a relationship again. But she kept up with Radagon and you just know she has some tricks up her sleeves that could make you abandon the golden order.

Sex God: (Can give consent, would be the best in bed)

Dragonlord Placidusax:

Has two male heads and three female heads, imagine...

Ancient Dragon Lansseax:

Formed a whole freaky dragon/human cult and you just know they got into some eyes-wide-shut orgies behind those doors.

Godfrey, First Elden Lord (Hoarah Loux):

We all knew he'd be this high on the list. He was just a normal dude but he managed to keep pace with Queen Marika (Who is basically a goddess of fertility) for a good long while. He will fold you in half (on the battlefield and in the bedroom.)

Evil Sex God: (Can give consent, is a terrible person but you’d make an exception.)

Radagon of the Golden Order:

He sucks in all the worst ways, but I mean... You can't NOT. Both Radagon and Marika are the embodiment of evil but they managed to suck and fuck their way across an entire continent for generations. You HAVE to give a try at least once.

Godskin Duo:

Oh my god will it be awful with all those flayed human skins, but you know you are still gonna have to. They can stretch and do all sorts of freaky stuff with their bodies, plus they kill gods and nothing is sexier than heresy.

Vyke, Knight of the Roundtable:

The dude is a mad killer but... he can still probably get it, might as well give it a try.

God-Devouring Serpent / Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy:

Personally I wouldn't, he's a loser and will probably kill you. But he is also a giant snake made up of squirming hands doing all sorts of sexual experiments, I can't blame you if you want to give it a taste.

Black Knife Assassin:

They committed a whole lot of treason but the power of armored lesbians is too hard to resist.

Patches:

If you are already having sex with from software characters, you gotta give Patches at least one attempt. When you wake up he'll have robbed you, but you knew what you were getting into.

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theres-a-body-here · 8 months

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Scumtober- Day 24 (Tender Sex)

Night's Cavalry x Male!reader

You look back as you walk down the Mistwoods.

Yep, he's still there. The Night's Cavalry Rider, Beor.

How do you know his name?

Because he wrote it down on a scrap of scroll and placed it on your face as you slept for you to find in the morning. Said note also contained a love letter professing his love.

Simp.

You sigh as you keep walking. He's been following you ever since he knocked your helmet off your head during battle. The thing that bothers you most is that he's out of his Lord's territory. You're fairly certain Margit didn't allow his men to travel this far out. You wonder if hes disobeying orders by following you all the way out here.

The moon rises over the land as you decide to make camp. You set up a bedroll and make a fire. You sigh as you hold your hands out to warm them up.

As you sat by the heat of the campfire, you couldn't help but feel uneasy knowing someone was watching. You glance around, trying not to be too obvious, and spot Beor hiding behind a nearby tree.

Damn it, dude! Just come out already!

You roll your eyes and turn away, deciding to ignore him for now. After all, he hasn't done anything harmful yet... just really creepy.

Suddenly, something hit your head. It's a crumbled ball of paper. you picked it up and turned to glare at Beor, who had quickly hidden behind a tree after throwing it. You straighten out the note.

The message read: 'I can't take my eyes off you.'

Good Gods. You had to do something.

Sighing heavily, you called out to Beor, "Alright... Come sit with me." You then added sternly, "But don't be creepy!"

Reluctantly, Beor approached slowly, almost like a timid animal. Once he reached you, he hesitantly took a seat across the fire from you. His entire demeanor reeked of nervousness.

Relaxing slightly, you began rummaging through your bag, searching for some jerky. However, you soon noticed Beor shifting closer to you, his posture tense as he tried to act casually. When you looked up, he was caught red handed, his gaze darting away guiltily.

This guy...

Going back to rummaging through your bag, you finally found what you were looking for – jerky! With a satisfied grin, you lifted your head, only to be startled by Beor practically breathing down your neck. He must have moved while you weren't paying attention.

Startled, you let out an undignified yelp and dropped the food. The jerky lands on some mud. You look at the jerky, to Beor, to the jerky, and finally back to Beor.

Both of you stared at each other silently before he leaned forward and grabbed the dropped jerky, which was now covered in mud. Hesitating for a brief moment, he held it out towards you.

You shook your head and sighed. "Thanks, but no thanks."

Trying to regain composure, you turn back to the crackling fire, hoping to ignore him. To your annoyance, Beor continued to scoot closer until your bodies pressed together.

Awkward silence hung heavy between you two.

Feeling movement against your side, you glanced over to see Beor holding out his closed fist. Curiosity piqued, you watched as he opened his palm, revealing a Miquella's Lily that had been crushed beyond recognition. Wordlessly, he motioned for you to take it.

Without thinking much of it, you accepted the gift.

Inspecting the fragile petals of the delicate flower, you couldn't help but feel touched by such a rare gesture. Although it was crushed, it still held significance. You brought the bloom close to your nose, savoring its faint fragrance.

Silence stretched between you again as Beor simply watched you appreciate his offering.

Nodding to yourself, you carefully place the crushed Miquella's Lily inside your bag for safekeeping. The silence returned, making you uncomfortable enough to break it.

"You can have..." You paused, feeling embarrassed at your own words. "...One kiss."

Beor tensed up and immediately started nodding vigorously, his helmet producing loud clanks with every enthusiastic movement.

Groaning internally, you prepared yourself for whatever was coming next. Beor eagerly closed the gap between you, anticipating his reward.

"Aren't you going to remove the helmet?" You asked curiously.

In response, he shook his head forcefully. Guess that means the helmet stays on.

Shrugging it off, you decided to leave his choice alone. Leaning closer, you press a soft kiss onto his helmet where his cheek would be. Instinctively, his hand clenched so tightly that you could hear the leather of his gauntlet creak under the strain. You pull away.

Good Gods, all you did was give him a peck on the helmet, and this was his reaction? No wonder he acted so skittish; he definitely was whipped for you.

Deciding to test how far you could push him, you leaned in again, this time tracing a line along his helmet with your tongue. Beor visibly trembled, accompanied by a muffled groan from within his helmet.

Oh dear, this man was putty in your hands.

Unfortunately for you, your actions didn't leave you completely unaffected either. Feeling your own arousal building, you felt your member hardening within your pants. Blushing profusely, you tried to reason with yourself.

"I know I said just a kiss," you started hesitantly, "...but..."

At the sound of your voice, Beor's head snapped in your direction, desperate to catch whatever suggestion you may have for him.

Letting out an exaggerated groan, you tried to continue, "You know..."

To your utter mortification, Beor pointed directly at his crotch, seemingly confirming whether that was indeed what you wanted. Covering your face with your hands, you berated yourself for getting into this situation.

Fuck it. You raised your head and gave him a decisive nod.

Beor seemed ecstatic at your response, eagerly beginning to remove his protective codpiece. Underneath, his cock stood proudly erect, ready for action. With a deep blush spreading across your features, you followed suit, taking off your pants and underwear. Your own manhood sprang forth, mirroring Beor's excitement.

Eager to get things started, Beor laid flat on his back, slapping his armored thighs invitingly as if asking you to climb aboard.

Rolling your eyes, you muttered, "You're an idiot," before complying with his request. Straddling Beor, you could feel his hardened length pressing against your ass.

Lifting yourself up slightly, you slammed back down onto Beor's lap, eliciting a muffled groan from within his helmet.

"You better be gentle," you warned him. In response, Beor nodded his head furiously, the clinking of metal echoing throughout the campsite.

Leaning to the side, you retrieved your bag, pulling out a small container of oil created from melted mushrooms. Resting on Beor's chest, you reached back and took hold of his throbbing member, liberally applying the slippery substance all over it.

Beor released a muffled moan as you positioned his lubricated tip at your entrance. With a deep breath, you pushed downwards, impaling yourself on his rigid length.

Letting out a soft moan, you sank deeper and deeper onto Beor's impressive girth. "Fuck, you're so big," you muttered, unable to believe how well he filled you up.

Meanwhile, Beor was clearly enjoying himself, his head thrown back as he panted heavily and trembled with pleasure.

Upon fully sheathing himself within you, Beor let out a low whine of delight. You sighed contentedly, feeling both their combined weight bearing down on you.

Before you could react, Beor shifted positions, wrapping his arms securely around you as he sat up. Now, instead of riding him, you were nestled within his embrace.

Closing your eyes, you leaned your head against his cool, metallic chest, reveling in the sensation of being enveloped by him. Softly, he ran his hands up and down your spine, sending shivers through your body.

Gradually, Beor began to move within you, maintaining a slow, steady rhythm. Making sure to support your weight, he kept you cradled in his arms as his helmet nuzzled against your face.

Moans escaped your lips as Beor thrust into you with a gentleness you hadn't expected from someone so large and intimidating. You rubbed your aching cock against the smooth metal of his armored abdomen.

As he continued to plunge into you, Beor rubbed his helmet against your face affectionately, reminding you of a cat seeking comfort from its owner. Simultaneously, one of his hands found yours, entwining your fingers together as if they belonged there.

Whimpering as you neared release, you bucked your hips harder against Beor's armor, leaving streaks of precum.

"Sorry....your armor," you apologized sheepishly for making a mess on his black armor.

However, Beor didn't seem bothered by it at all – if anything, he appeared more amused than upset. Using his free hand, he gently petted your head reassuringly, letting you know that he didn't mind.

Reassured by his response, you wrapped one hand around his hip while using the other to resume stroking your own needy erection. Precum continued to flow freely, coating Beor's armor in a sticky film.

Beor released a pleased noise from within his helmet, picking up the pace ever so slightly as he continued to thrust into you relentlessly.

With a whiny cry, you finally succumbed to your release, splattering Beor's armor with thick ropes of semen. As your orgasm subsided, he gently rubbed your back.

Now that you had cum, it was Beor's turn. Still buried deep within you, he reached behind his back and removed his cape from his armor. Carefully laying it on the ground, he leaned forward until you were lying on top of it.

For a moment, Beor held your thighs aloft, offering them a brief yet comforting massage. And then, without warning, he suddenly changed tactics, pounding into you mercilessly. Unprepared for such ferocity, you cried out in surprise, your moans matching the speed of his brutal thrusts. Holding your thighs tightly, he showed no signs of stopping or easing up.

Still not letting up, Beor pressed your thighs together and rolled you onto your side. From this new angle, he somehow managed to increase the intensity of his relentless pumping, driving his cock deepr into you.

The air filled with the sounds of his labored breathing and the wet squelching of flesh meeting flesh as he continued to claim you.

As the tempo increased, you could do little more than issue a series of whimpers and mews, overwhelmed by the sensations coursing through your veins. Beor took full advantage of your vulnerable state, leaning over to pin you down with his considerable bulk as he pressed his helmet against your face.

"Fuck, fuck, fuuuccckk!" you cried out, unable to contain your mounting euphoria. Every forceful impact of armor against flesh sending fire down your body in waves.

Beor reached his breaking point. With a guttural grunt, he drove himself all the way home, his warm seed flooding your hole. Wrapped in his strong arms, you basked in the afterglow of your shared release.

Breathing heavily, you allowed Beor to nuzzle your face with his helmet.

"You're still a simp," you muttered sleepily, too exhausted to muster up any real zingers.

Scumtober 2023 Masterlist

#elden ring x tarnished #elden ring headcanons #elden ring x reader #elden ring #night's cavalry #knight kink #knight x reader #knights #armor kink #mask kink #masked men #tenderness #tender sex #scumtober 2023 #scumtober #kinktober 2023 #kinktober #male reader #male!reader

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