#scared of the future

[a-very-zilly-gooze]

growing up, i was always told that “there are seasons for everything.” you know, that time passes and things happen. you change schools. you move away. people would fade in and out of your life and you can’t control it.

and i always thought that was bullshit, in a way. because i still kept in touch with the people who moved away. i still played with them in the sun-soaked afternoons, climbing trees and hopping over creeks.

and then i moved away.

and i lost touch. for a variety of reasons.

and when i see people from my old hometown, or friends that i used to have, there’s always this memory of what was. and i always imagine what my life would have been like if i stayed.

i feel like i abandoned them, in a way.

reconnection with some of my elementary school friends has been a literal life-saver for me. i love them, and i miss them, and i think about them every day.

but there are some that i think i’ll never talk to again. and i want to fall back into the past and lay on my trampoline in the hot summer sun with them, squinting into the blue sky, all of twelve years old, our lives in front of us.

but i know that’ll never happen. there are seasons for everything, after all. and that summer is gone forever.

now, i’m scared i’ll do it again, abandon everyone again. i’m moving 765 miles from home, and i’m worried that i will just leave them in the past. but i’ll never, ever leave them emotionally behind. they’ll occupy a part of my mind and heart forever.

so to those mutuals, who i hope are reading this:

i won’t leave you. i won’t abandon you again.

“i promise to text back, as long as you like that. it’s ’till death do us part, through blue screens.”

(also listen to @bearsintreesofficial’s new song We Don’t Speak Anymore, which the above quote is from. they’re the reason i’m in this introspective and emotional mess.)

[knight-in-sour-armor]

[bruisedbodyshattereddreams]

I’m 16, my nails breaking as I claw at the clock on the wall.

“Please! Stop moving! Slow down!” I plead with it.

Suddenly, I’m 24, nails broken with tired eyes.

[anulithots]

Are you ever worried about the future?

And as in worried, I mean that you worry so much about living a half-life that you would do things you hate just to guarantee yourself a good future?

You know, like the whole 'work your whole life and try so hard so you can finally have a good life... later of course'.

Scared of it?

Scared of losing your happy childhood self to guarantee your future?

Scared of any mean thoughts you have? Scared that it means you're losing yourself?

Clingy? Have the tendency to conform to expectations even if you hate it? Do things you used to enjoy make your insides hurt?

... Well, I do hope you find peace, for one.

And secondly, you know who else feels all these things?

Kamari the dryad

Here's a character from the Land of the Fallen Fairies - a story about happiness chasing, and Kamari in a particular has a... problematic way of going about it, to say the least.

Also also! Platonic shipping! Found family! EXCEPT MAKE IT TRAGIC MUAHAHAHAHA

(and soft worldbuilding, societies based off mycorrhizal systems and plant science. and lots of bantering)

________________________

"Why, after all Kamari did, was fae doomed to repeat this day again and again, until the life fae bargained faer consciousness for rotted? 

It only took one slip for Kamari to restart. Fae had nothing but faer own needs to blame."

____________________________________________

"The fates promised Kamari a future after all, it would be a shame if fae was too ruined when it arrived."

____________________________________________

Kamari - a planted fairy with shiny leaves, asymmetrical roots, and a love of music - knows that the other fairies hate faer, and fae'll live a half-life if fae decides to sing faer songs.

So fae will postpone that life. The fates promised faer a future where fae wouldn't have to worry about such things. That's worth being the High Protector for a little while.

.... Right?

TW for throwing up, death, and intrusive thoughts

Welcome to some tragic found family whoopdedoo!

You can read Kamari's subplot here:

And this will eventually get a prettier format... but for now....

Enjoy. And I do hope you are content.... even without the future you chase.

Easier said than done. I know. That's part of why I'm writing this. Perhaps we can find some truth together?

[wanderingmind867]

I don't always like school, but I can't imagine life without it. I find Schoolwork super stressful (it almost always makes me angry from stress to the point where I yell at my dad). But I've been in school since I was like 5. I can't imagine a life without it. It's why I don't want school to end for me next year. I can't imagine life without school. I'm already usually bored when alone. Having a full year of free time would be just what I need/s.

[tabbyrileysmiley]

Sometimes I get so in my head I forget I'm seventeen

I have the whole rest of my life to make beautiful things

But I'm still scared I'll never make enough

[blckdairycattle]

I was a child and I was back there again, In my childhood home, before everything went to shit, and I was young and carefree and I was happy and hopeful until I grew up and I am not anymore..

[elhimself]

there is tomorrow, which shall forever scare me

[trollmartes]

it passed me by

as i miss the a-train

i can’t help but ponder:

did i ever plan to catch it?

did i lag behind on purpose?

maybe if i had called to the onboard passengers to hold the door

i could’ve made it

do i want to board it?

i don’t even know where it leads,

but all of my friends are on it

and the people who have made their makeshift homes at this station all look so pitiful

with graffiti decorating the molding tiles

and the piss-stained floor

and the howling of the wheelsets

they never plan to leave

and my mind travels further down into this hole

of whether they once tried to catch the train

but the opportunity missed them

id like to think there’s a reason for everything

but what’s the reason for these people suffering?

these empty vessels

with eyes once full of wonder

what will become of them?

am i doomed to the same cardboard home?

who decides that?

[aesthetically-dying101]

vent post bc i tired

im tired of so many things, first of all, my disease.

Like what the fuck?? How come I fucking got it? Why didn't my sister get it? Or my dad, or my aunt?? Why me? What did I do?

I'm aware I've done nothing wrong but it's frustrating! AND THE WORST PART, is the fact that doctors WITH TWELVE PLUS YEARS OF STUDIES, still don't have a fucking clue. So much trauma, so many MRI's, X-Rays, blood test, spinal taps, biopsies... and feels like it's for nothing. I hate it. I feel like if they could, my parent's would go back in time to never have me, the sick child of the family.

I'm tired of being alone in my disease, I'm so scared, I know no one that's like me, I've never met anyone like me (that's alive). I just want someone to relate to and talk to who can understand me.

I'm tired of being disabled because of said disease.

I'm tired of being queer. Well I'm mostly tired of being hated for simply being queer, I've done nothing wrong, ecxept exist I guess?

I'm tired of being alive.

I don't even see a future for myself, between my disease and the fucking climate, I have no clue what the world will be like. I'm terrified of that.

I've gotten so many threats thrown at me, so many fucking insults simply because I'm alive.

kiss kiss guys take care!! :)

[iblogmythoughts]

THE DOUBT HERE IS QUITE OVERWHELMING

My final year of college has been a tremendous hardship for me in many ways, despite what I had always heard. I can most accurately sum it up as burnt out and freaked out. Burnt out from school, freaked out for my future. Why wasn't I having the best year of my life like everybody else? I felt like there was something wrong with me. What was I afraid of? I won't go into all of the answers to this question because there are many (in a nutshell: problems with anxiety, internship, job applications, looming graduation, blurry future). But I've just come to the conclusion that none of these things are the hardest part of senior year for me. It's difficult to define, but at its core, I would describe it as the process of reverting away from the person I had in my mind as the person I wanted to become and into my actual self - a person with a lot of remaining uncertainties.

Senior year is really challenging because you expect to know who you are and what you want to do by this point. After all, you've been in college for four freakin’ years, which seems like a long time, right? But for me, at least, I'm still a little unsure about these things. It's challenging because you suddenly have to take the reins and serve as your own role model after spending your entire life looking up to others. Being completely honest, I'm not really sure if I'm on the correct path; as a graduating college student, the uncertainty of not knowing where I should be going is somewhat frightening, it’s pretty daunting. Time seems to be going by like the snap of a finger. I’d say that I’ve made it through college and I'll probably graduate in the next two months, but I'm still figuring things out just like everybody else. 

[newlystringedguitar]

Mood

[bruisedbodyshattereddreams]

Why are all the tragic girls in movies always 17? Is it my turn? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME 😋🥰🤩

[missgayuniverse1998]

what's cool and awesome is that i went down on this one med bc i could not sleep and now other symptoms that i didn't notice had decreased are stronger again. tired as shit of this all and don't even know what i'm going to say to my doctor

[ihatemynameofuckingmuchdude]

I still have not gotten over my old friendship that ended 7 months ago, like they were a part of my everyday life for 5 years but still damn gurl get over it. Anyways I stalk them on roblox bc that's the only place their active and anyone who says they wouldn't is bonkers. Anyway, they've made like all these online friends and i don't even have the cahonas to talk to someone new. Like how am i going to live a good life when i aint got no bitches - no residents of friendship island. Im going crazy but i do have a doctor's appointment about me going crazy so hopefully they will sent me home with ozempic or some shit and then ill be tackled by Bella Hadid and we will be best friends.

[i347ts]

then one day something is gonna change and you’ll be drinking coffee instead of juice