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#shame is an ocean i swim across
asoftepiloguemylove · 9 months
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Cameron Awkward-Rich THEORY OF MOTION (4): ANOTHER MIDDLE-CLASS BLACK KID TRIES TO NAME IT (via @sweatermuppet) // Wayne Koestenbaum "Figure;" My 1980s and Other Essays // Mary Lambert "Why I Slept With Makeup on for Five Years;" Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across // Keaton St. James DYSPHORIA CREEK // Richard Siken "Birds Hover the Trampled Field;" War of the Foxes (via @newvision) // Greta Moran Slow First
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andrumedus · 1 year
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My little sister told me that she buried a flower once after accidentally picking it. Can you imagine that kind of humanity?
Mary Lambert, Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across; “Dear YouTube Comments”
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haleyincarnate · 4 months
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My body is a crater in the living room, and you are a perfect moon, and I am going to ruin you.
Excerpt from the poem Grief Is a Sundress and I Am Starving; Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across, Mary Lambert
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Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across by Mary Lambert
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Today's sapphic book of the day is Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across by Mary Lambert!
TW for sexual assault
Summary: "Beautiful and brutally honest, Mary Lambert's poetry is a beacon to anyone who's ever been knocked down--and picked themselves up again. In verse that deals with sexual assault, mental illness, and body acceptance, Ms. Lambert's Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across emerges as an important new voice in poetry, providing strength and resilience even in the darkest of times."
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readtilyoudie · 3 days
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I knew you were supposed to laugh after things like that The world had taught me to dress up my trauma in short skirts and secret bathroom crying, to protect the fragility of boys at all costs
Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across: Poems by Mary Lambert by Mary Lambert
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faerie-aurora · 1 year
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"But there is something that happens when you are told you are too much. You begin to ask everyone, how small would you like me?"
-Mary Lambert, from Shame is an Ocean I Swim Across
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typewriter-worries · 10 months
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I'll Eat You Up, I Love You So
A Primer For the Small Weird Loves, Richard Siken | The Embrace II, Ron Hicks | Henry and June: From “A Journal of Love,” The Unexpurgated Diary (1931-1932) of Anaïs Nin, Henry Miller (@theoptia) | the night belongs to lovers, Ilaria Ratti | Dark. Sweet.: New & Selected Poems, Linda Hogan (@feral-ballad) | Intimacy, Angelica Alzona | Shame is an Ocean I Swim Across, Mary Lambert (@synbeam) | The Kiss, Edvard Munch | Summer Morn in New Hampshire, Claude McKay
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pandorafairy · 1 year
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Secret Cove (Part 2: Busted)
Neteyam x Metkayina (oldest daughter of Tonowari, the chief)
Neteyam is 18
Contains: arguing, protective Neteyam, slight violence
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I squint against the morning light and place a hand to my pounding head. Where am I? Someone moves behind me— Neteyam. His arm is draped across my waist, his long fingers spread across my stomach. Memories of last night come back to me instantly; us slipping away from the village, swimming under the night sky, kissing in the cove. Heat creeps onto my cheeks as I turn towards him. 
His eyes are closed, his chest rising and falling. His dark hair frames his face as his tail swishes back and forth. I inhale sharply. We really should go, we’ve been out all night. Someone will definitely notice if we don’t show up for morning chores. But he is so peaceful. He looks like an angel. 
He stirs and cracks his eyes open, revealing their brilliant golden hue. “Staring at me, ocean girl?”
“You wish,” I reply and flick him with my tail. He tries to grab it but his fingers aren’t quick enough. I smirk at him. “You missed, forest boy.” 
He looks challengingly at me before flipping on top of me. My back scraps against the wet rocks as he leans over me, his face inches from mine. He reaches to the side and touches the end of my wide tail softly. “I didn’t miss a thing.” 
 The heat of his breath caresses my cheek, his face is an inch from mine. Neteyam smiles lazily. He is the most relaxed I’ve ever seen him. I can’t help myself. I reach my hand out and place it along his jaw. He tilts his head to the side, his eyes watching me, like he sees something in my gaze that intrigues him. 
I pull his jaw close and tilt my lips upwards. He leans towards me, his lazy smile growing by the second. Nothing matters but his lips as they brush against mine, just a whisper of a kiss. I open my mouth to kiss him harder when a voice erupts through the cove. 
“SISTER!” Aonung yells. My heart drops into my stomach. Aonung floats in the middle of the cove, waves lapping around his chest. His eyes blaze with fury as he narrows them at Neteyam on top of me. 
I push Neteyam off of me and we scramble to our feet. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but I’m speechless. Aonung slaps his arms against the water as he quickly swims to the edge of the cove and climbs onto the rocks. 
“You brought him here?” Anger drips from his every word. He’s never been this mad at me. In the past, I was always the one who was mad at him. 
 Neteyam looks between us, assessing the situation. I take a deep breath. “Aonung, please. Calm down.” 
“Calm down?” He yells at me. He starts to take a step towards me but Neteyam steps in front of him, his eyes hardening. Aonung’s tail slashes furiously behind him. Guilt washes over me. My siblings have never seen me break rules before. I’ve always tried, so hard, to be the perfect role model.
Aonung eyes dart between Neteyam and me, his eyes flashing with rage and confusion. “This is our family’s place,” he says. 
I push past Neteyam. He moves but stays close behind me. “I know. This isn’t what it looks like—”
“Did you mate with him?”
“No!” 
“What are you doing here then?”
“Aonung, stop.” I have to stop his questions. He can’t think this of me. No one in the village can, I have a reputation and duty to uphold. Panic begins to coat my insides.
Aonung shakes his head. “You came here to drink,” he starts and points to the empty wooden bottle. “Drink and do whatever it is you two did.”  Neteyam blows out an angry breath at his words but Aonug continues on, “I thought you were better than this, sister.”
“Aonung,” I say, doubting myself for the first time since last night. I normally would never, ever do something like this. Something that could bring shame to my family. “This isn’t what it looks like. I came here to show Neteyam where we hold celebrations. That is all.” 
Aonung raises an eyebrow at me. “He was on top of you. It looked like—” 
I cut him off by forcing myself to laugh, and doing everything I can to make it sound convincing. “We were just messing around. It didn’t mean anything.” 
Neyetam becomes completely still. Relief floods Aonung’s features and his tail stops its angry swishing. “Good! I’m sorry,” he says to me and then to Neyetam. “I thought my sister had lost herself for a moment.” 
I give him a tight smile. Of course, Aonung would believe me as easily as that. He’s never had to question his older sister before. Neteyam says nothing. Aonung pats my arm. “See you soon for training.” He winks at Neteyam, dives into the water and swims out of the cove. 
I blow out a breath of air. That was so close–too close. I almost lost it for a second. A small hysterical laugh escapes my lips as I turn to face Neteyam so we can laugh this off together, but his face is like stone. 
“Neteyam?” 
He pushes past me and picks up the empty bottle. He shoves it back into its place before jamming the compartment shut. His ears twitch against his skull.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. “We weren’t caught.” 
Neteyam mumbles something forcefully under his breath. He looks at me, his eyes full of indignation. “Doesn’t matter. Didn’t mean anything, right?” 
Oh, no. No, no, no. I reach out for him but he dodges away from my grasp. “Neteyam, I didn’t mean that.” My voice comes out desperate. 
He walks to the edge of the rocks, not meeting my eyes. 
“I only said that so we wouldn’t get caught,” I say following behind him. 
“So you wouldn’t be caught with me,” he states.
“No–” I begin to protest but he turns. 
“Don’t worry, ocean girl. It didn’t mean anything to me either.” He didn’t even look at me as he dove into the water and left me alone in the cove. 
~~~
I’m late for training. Everyday, we meet with the Sully kids to help them train and learn our ways. I’m so nervous to see Neteyam, my mind keeps thinking of a million things I want to say to him. I need to explain. I had tried to swim after him once he left the cove, but he was too fast. When I’d swam out, he was already gone. But he has to show up for training. I’ll get him alone then.  
I make my way quickly down the beach. It’s late morning and the group is already gathered by the palm trees. I can make out Tuk’s small silhouette and Tsireya’s wavy hair. My stomach churns, I don’t see Neteyam. Don’t stress, I tell myself, he’ll come. He always does. 
Once I reach them, I put on a big smile, pretending everything is fine. “Hello.” Kiri glances up from her spot in the sand, next to Tuk. Aonug and Rotxo turn around at the sound of my voice. Lo’ak and Tsireya don’t look up as they continue their conversation. 
“Hi!” Tuk says as she runs up and hugs me. I smile at her while patting her hair. 
“Sister,” Aonung begins. Seeing his face causes anger to boil in me, even though it isn’t his fault Neteyam is mad at me. That's all my doing. “Ready to begin?” 
“Neteyam isn’t here yet,” Lo’ak replies, leaning against a palm tree. Tsireya looks at me, her eyes growing concerned. I quickly face Aonung. My sister has always been good at seeing through me. 
“We can’t start without my big brother,” Tuk states before plopping down in the sand again. 
Aonung looks like he is about to argue with her when a familiar voice comes from around the corner. “I’m here, Tuk,” Neteyam appears from behind the palm trees and walks over to Aonung. “I apologize for being late.” 
My heart quickens at the sight of Neteyam. Lo’ak smiles at his brother and Aonung gives him a quick pat. I try to catch Neteyam’s eye but he purposely doesn’t look at me. He looks at the ocean and nowhere else. His shoulders are tense. There’s a crease on his forehead that isn’t usually there. All his walls are back up. 
“Let’s start with some breathing exercises. Everyone, sit down and face your partner.” I say, hoping my voice sounds normal before I begin to move towards Neteyam. He quickly grabs his brother and pushes him into the sand. Lo’ak’s eyes widen at Neteyam’s sudden movement. Neteyam sits across from him, his face unreadable. I groan quietly. This is going to be harder than I’d thought. 
“Need a partner?” Rotxo asks before sitting in the sand next to Lo’ak. 
“Yes, I do,” I reply and sit down right next to Neteyam. He stiffens as I cross my legs under me. Lo’ak raises an eyebrow at Neteyam before exchanging a look with Tsierya. She shrugs at him. 
“Begin with deep breaths. Focus on slowing your heart rate. Pay attention to the rhythm of  your partner's breath,” Aonung calls. 
We all begin breathing. Tuk and Kiri, Tsireya and Aonug, Lo’ak and Neteyam, Rotxo and me. I can feel the heat radiating off of Neteyam’s body. I want to reach out and touch him. It’s torture being this close to him and having him not look at me. 
“You okay?” Rotxo asks. Neteyam’s eyes shift slightly so he can see my reaction out of the corner of his eye. I nod. 
Rotxo smirks playfully. “Might be tired from your late night.” I freeze before forcing myself to act natural. How did he know? Neteyam stops his breathing. 
“What are you talking about?” I question, pretending to seem clueless. 
“I saw you leave the cove early this morning.”
Shit. Tuk and Kiri look at something in the sand, ignoring their breathing lesson and, thankfully, this conversation. 
“So what?” I argue, a little too defensively.  
“So, I know what happens in those types of coves,” Rotxo wiggles his fingers at me. “Didn’t know you got down like that.” 
Bile rises in my throat. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Neteyam’s thin tail twitches. I open my mouth to respond but Rotxo continues, “Who was the lucky guy?”
Lo’ak looks at Neteyam in confusion but he doesn’t notice. He is looking at Rotxo now, not bothering to hide his eavesdropping. 
“Stop talking, skxawng.” I retort before closing my eyes and pretending to focus on my breathing. 
I think Rotxo is done talking until I feel the sand shift beneath me. I open my eyes to find him right in front of me, a dangerous smile on his face. “Well, if you get bored of him there’s always me.  And if not me, then I can think of a least a dozen other guys who want to—”
I don’t even see Neteyam move until he is on top of Rotxo. Neteyam shoves him into the sand before I can even register what’s happening. Rage covers Neteyam’s face making him look like a vengeful angel. Neteyam balls his fist together and punches him. Rotxo’s head slams back against the sand, blood already flowing out of his nose. 
“Damn, bro!” Lo’ak calls as he jumps to his feet. Surprise shoots through me and keeps me frozen in place. What is Neteyam doing? I snap out of it and climb to my feet. “Neyetam, chill! He was just teasing.” Lo’ak yells again. Aonung leaves Tsireya’s shocked face and comes running over.
Neteyam doesn’t hear or notice our reactions. His eyes are glued on Rotxo as he punches him again. He tries to roll away and push Neteyam off, but it’s no use. Neteyam is too strong, he pins him down easily, mustering angry words that I can’t make out. I place a shaking hand over my mouth. 
“Help me!” Aonung motions to Lo’ak. They each grab one of Neyetam’s arms, trying to haul him off of Rotxo. Neteyam fights against their grip. He doesn’t look at anyone other than Rotxo, his gaze is murderous.
“Neteyam! Stop!” Tuk cries. Her eyes are full of tears as she hugs Kiri. Kiri strokes her scared sister's head, a look of confusion on her face. Neteyam never starts a fight. 
At the sound of his sister’s cry, Neteyam freezes. He allows Aonung and Lo’ak to haul him away. Rotxo rolls over, he groans in pain as blood covers the sand. Neteyam blinks like he is waking up from a dream. He looks at me first, his face raw with emotion; anger, sadness, and longing. I want to run and hug him but he turns his gaze to Tuk. Shame and guilt gather in his eyes. A feeling, I know all too well. He opens his mouth to say something when a voice yells at us. 
“Children!” an adult Metkayina sits on an ilu in the ocean. Their eyes widen at the sight of Rotxo’s blood. “What’s going on here?” 
My stomach drops. We’re screwed. 
~~~
Rotxo and Neteyam sit before my father in our family pod. Kiri, Tuk, and Tsireya had run to get Jake and Neytiri. They had slipped into the pod, worried expressions on their faces before telling the girls to run along. They stand behind Neyetam. Jake asses Rotxo’s face with a harsh expression. 
I stand against the wall, next to Lo’ak and Aonung. They keep whispering about how crazy that was. I don’t have the energy to respond to them. I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t even begin to process. My breath comes out in ragged, quick spurts as I try to calm myself. 
“What happened?” My dad asks, his deep voice echoing through the pod. My mother stands behind him and puts her hands on her pregnant stomach. 
Neteyam stares down at his five fingers, each one bloodied and beginning to bruise. “It is my fault,” he says solemnly. 
Shock covers Jake and Neytiri’s faces. “What?” They ask at the same time. 
My dad’s eyes harden, as they always do when he’s about to give a punishment. I clench my shaking hands together. 
“Wait,” Lo’ak interrupts. “He was defending her.” Lo’ak points at me, causing every pair of eyes in the room to look right at me. My face burns. Neyetam and I lock gazes, and shared worry passes between us. 
“From what?” My mom asks. 
Rotxo runs his hands through his hair before looking up at my parents. “I was just messing around. I don’t think Neyetam got the joke.”
“And what joke was that?” My father questions and leans his large body forward. 
Rotxo swallows nervously. “I saw her leave your family cove this morning. I was joking that—”
“Our cove?” My mom repeats as she looks at me in surprise. Shit, shit, shit. My heart pounds so hard I worry that everyone in the room can hear it. Neyetam’s shoulders tense up, the way they always do when he’s on edge. 
“Mother, father,” Aonung says and puts his hands out in front of him like he’s trying to calm everyone down. “Let me explain.” He looks at me with a reassuring nod that does not reassure me, not in the slightest. He continues on, “She was just showing Neteyam where we hold celebrations.” 
My father cocks his head to the side and looks at me. I nod at him, affirming Aonung’s story. He looks at Neyetam, who follows my lead and also nods. My father’s stern face begins to relax. Jake and Neytiri also seem to relax, now that they have an explanation for their son’s unusual behavior.
“They even cleaned up the empty bottles before their little wrestling game thing,” Aonung finishes with a proud smile like he’d just solved everyone's problems. 
“Wrestling game?” Jake whispers in confusion to Neytiri. She shushes him. 
My mother sets her mouth in a hard line. “Empty bottles?” She and my father exchange looks. All the heat that had gathered in my face vanishes, I feel cold all over. 
“Children, out!” My father’s voice booms. Lo’ak jumps at the sound, Aonung looks at us, Rotxo scrambles to his feet. They all leave, whispering to each other as they go. Neyetam begins to stand when my father glares at him. 
“Not you.” He looks over at me. “And not you. Come, sit down.” 
I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. This can’t be happening. I sit down next to Neteyam. He looks at me with sad eyes and his ear twitches nervously. 
“What’s happening?” Jake asks as he motions between the two of us. 
“All the bottles in our cove are full.” My mother responds, disappointment coating her voice. I cringe at the sound. 
“Neyetam wouldn’t drink,” Neytiri replies. Jake nods in agreement. Neyetam breathes slowly out. 
“Then who did?” My dad asks. I look at Neyetam but he’s staring down at his hands. I sigh and brace myself for what’s about to come as I open my mouth to respond.  
“I did,” I say at the same time Neteyam says, “It was me.” We look at each other in surprise. Neytiri gasps as Jake lets out an irritated groan. My mom shakes her head and my dad’s lips turn downward. He points at Neyetam accusingly before looking at Jake. 
“Your son’s influence?” 
“Neyetam is a good kid. He’s never done anything like this before,” Jake replies.
“It is my fault, truly,” I say. This time I stare at the floor, not wanting to see anyone’s face. “I asked Neyetam to go with me.”
“I wanted to go—” Neyetam protests. Jake reaches out and puts his hands on his shoulders, silently telling him to stop talking. 
“Daughter,” my dad begins, “I’m very disappointed.” Neytiri flicks the back of Neyetam’s head as if to say she is also disappointed in him. 
I look up and instantly wish I hadn’t. My mother is studying me, her eyes darting between Neyetam and I, accusingly. “What’s this about wrestling?” 
Neteyam and I freeze, each of us sitting so still we look like statues. I don’t risk stealing a glance at him even though I want to. My mom walks towards us before kneeling in front. Her eyes move slowly from his face to my face, absorbing every detail. I feel exposed, like everything that happened last night is playing right out in front of her. Neteyam’s tail swishes behind him, letting me know he feels that same way. 
“What is it?” Neytiri asks. 
“There is more between these two than they have told us.” 
My dad’s mouth falls open. Jake steps forward, “What do you mean?” 
“Did you two mate?” My mom asks, her face completely serious. Neytiri gasps again. Jake stumbles backwards in shock. 
“No, we didn’t!”
“No,” Neyetam looks at his parents. “We did not. I swear this.” 
My mom believes us, it’s clear in the way she looks at me. Everyone in the room relaxes slightly. I don’t feel any relief, I feel so tense. How is this happening? 
My mom stands. “But you came close.” 
I don’t have a response to this and neither does Neyetam. Jake steps forward, anger shining on his face. “Neyetam, is this true?” A moment of silence passes before he nods slowly and forces himself to face his dad’s furious face. My heart breaks for him. My Neyetam, who tries so hard to please his father. 
My dad grabs my shoulder suddenly. “So you two got drunk and–” he shakes his head incredulously, “This isn’t like you.” 
I hang my head in defeat. Defeat that I know Neyetam feels as well. This is all such a mess. 
“It isn’t like Neyetam either,” Jake says before crossing his arms in front of him. “Maybe the two of you aren’t good for each other.”
My father cocks his head to the side, thinking about this. He nods. “Yes, you two are not to see each other outside of lessons and training.” 
“No!” I yell, not bothering to hold my emotions back. I let them flood my voice, my desperation and pain. “Don’t do this, father.” 
Neytiri looks between my dad and Jake before staring at Neyetam and I, a strange look crossing her face. My mother says nothing, she just looks at me as if she doesn’t recognize me.  
“We shouldn’t have drank last night but we,” Neteyam motions to me. “We are good, she makes me happy, sir,” He says to my father, an open and honest look in his eyes. Relief floods through me for the first time. She makes me happy. I had been so worried that he was only angry at me, but he still cares for me. 
Jake shakes his head. “You can’t afford distractions like this Neyetam. Think of your siblings.” 
“And you,” my father says to me. “Have a clan who looks to you. You are my eldest. Act like it.” 
Jake nods to my dad before gripping Neyetam’s shoulder. “I’ll take care of him.” 
Neyetam looks at me, his forehead creasing together in panic. I reach out for him as his dad pulls him up to his feet, my fingers just missing him. He looks at me and tries to say something but Jake pushes him too quickly out of the pod. And just like Neyetam is gone. Pain explodes in my chest, physical, actual, pain. Like my heart truly is breaking. 
“Dad,” I say, defeated. Neytiri looks at me once, an expression on her face I don’t recognize. She walks out without saying anything. I close my eyes, not wanting to face my parents alone. 
~~~
 I can’t sleep. My mind keeps replaying everything over and over again. Neyetam hitting Rotxo. My parents finding out about the drinking. Them forbidding us from seeing each other. I roll onto my side, facing a cut out in the pod and stare at the night sky. I never even got a chance to truly apologize to him for this morning. 
My parents' steady breathing fills the pod. They’ve been asleep for hours now, after they finished interrogating me and reminding me how disappointed they are. I’ve never let them down before, the feeling hangs over me. It also makes me angry, so unbelievably angry. Who are they to tell me to stay away from Neyetam? I am an adult. I can choose to be with who I want. 
I can’t stop thinking about Neyetam, everytime I close my eyes, I see his face. Aonung starts to snore from the other side of the pod. That’s it. I sit up in my cot and look at my sleeping family. They cannot control me for my whole life. I won’t let them. I slip out of my cot silently and tiptoe to the cut out in the pod. I step over it, careful not to make any noise. Once I step both feet over, I take a few steps backwards before taking off into the night. 
The village is asleep. No one is out on the walkways so I make my way easily to Sully's pod. The ocean glows at me, as if it’s encouraging me forward. I take a deep breath. I want to see Neyetam and nothing is going to stop me. 
I slow down as I reach the side of their pod, unsure how to get his attention without waking anyone. I crouch down and inch my way towards the entrance of their pod. The determination I’d felt a moment ago was fading into nervousness. I haven’t been alone with Neyetam since last night. 
A hand touches my shoulder. I whip around to find Neytiri, an inquisitive look on her face. She smiles, a sad smile. “You aren’t supposed to be here.” 
I open my mouth to make up some excuse but I snap it shut. I’m tired of pretending. “I want to see him.” 
As if my own word had summoned him, Neyetam steps out of the pod. My heart aches at the sight of him. He looks at Neytiri and I in surprise. He steps towards us, being cautious so he won’t wake anyone. He has bags under his eyes like he'd been trying to sleep but couldn’t. 
“Just for a little,” Neytiri whispers to us. She pats Neteyam’s arm and kisses his cheek. “I won’t tell.” She doesn’t look back at us as she walks into the pod. 
It’s just us now, in the silence of the village, illuminated only by the glowing creatures in the sea. He stares at me, a million words are written in his eyes but he says none of them. I grab his hand and he quickly wraps his fingers around mine. 
“Come on,” I say softly before pulling him along. He follows me through the village, the only sound is our steady breathing. The air is sweet tonight, so unlike the events that have occurred. No, I don’t want to think about that now. Neteyam’s hand is intertwined with mine, that’s all that matters. 
We reach the end of the village and sit down, letting our feet dangle off the edge and splash lightly in the water. Our thighs touch as we sit close to each other. The night sky is so beautiful that we both watch it for a moment before returning our gazes to each other. 
“I want to say I’m sorry,” I whisper. 
Neteyam reaches his hand up and cups the side of my face. I lean into his touch, feeling his soft fingers. “You don’t have to be sorry. It was both of us–”
“I’m sorry for what I said this morning,” I interrupt. “Last night meant so much to me.” 
His fingers caress my cheek as he lets out a long breath. “I’m no longer angry. Today, when I saw Tuk’s face. She was so confused. She didn’t understand why I was acting that way.” 
I bring my hand up to his, intertwining our fingers so they both rest against my cheek. 
“I understand why you lied to Aonung. When our siblings expect us to act one way, it’s hard for us to then…” he sighs. “I understand now.” 
“I still shouldn’t have.” 
He shrugs. “I think we have bigger problems to worry about now.” He lets go of my hand and pulls away from me. My heart sinks. Maybe he doesn’t want this the same way I do. I think back to both our parents, staring at us in disbelief. I chew on my bottom lip. 
“So,” he begins, “What are we gonna do?” 
I could ask him to answer first. Or I could do what I would in the past, and say that we should follow our parents orders. But he’s sitting right in front of me. His skin glows in the night, the most beautiful shade of blue. When my heart beats, it sounds like his name. I’ve never felt this way before. He makes me feel safe and free. He makes me want to enjoy life, not just do my duty. His golden gaze watches me steadily as he waits for an answer. 
“I can’t change how I feel about you,” I say, looking directly into his eyes. “I don’t want to change it. And I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.”
His entire face changes: his gaze sharpenes, his shoulders loosen, his ears perk up. And then he smiles, his lips break apart revealing his white teeth as his grin grows. I smile back at him, a weight that I didn’t realize I’d been carrying, lifts off my shoulders. 
He leans slowly forward. I follow suit, breathing in the same air as him. His lips touch mine, softly and lovingly. He pulls back and looks into my eyes. “Good because I can’t change how I feel either, not even if I tried.” I giggle at him and he kisses me again, our lips fitting perfectly together. He moves from my mouth to my cheek as he leaves a trail of kisses all the way to my ear. 
He leans back and whispers, “We already broke two rules, what’s a few more?”
Thank you so much for the love and support on Part 1! I appreciate it so much.
Would anyone want a Part 3? Or should I start a new project? Let me know what you would want to read! I also love any kind of feedback so if you don't like something, tell me! Thanks again <3
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silkjade · 1 year
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alhaitham x mermaid! reader (2)
⤀ warnings: fem!reader, no pronouns mentioned a/n: recommended to read the previous part first, since this is a direct continuation next ノ series masterlist ⋆.ೃ࿔*:・𓇼
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For the past three weeks since your last encounter, alhaitham returns to the cove as usual, only to be met with no one. On the fourth week, he finally spots you lounging on a large rock, moonbathing under the pale light. The thought that it’s no wonder sailors are so easily enraptured, flits across his mind as he wades towards your rock.
It’s a shame that the moment your eyes meet, you dive back into the sea, the clear waters darkened under the blanket of night. He calls out your name only once, betting on the assumption that you’re still lurking close by. Sighing, he continues.
“I apologize for last time. I’d like to take you up on your offer.”
“… if it still stands of course,” he adds quickly.
There’s a hint of hesitance that lines alhaitham’s words, which is unusual for one normally so confident. Even more so, you notice he isn’t wearing his headphones— not over his ears nor around his neck. How interesting… perhaps you will surface.
“No ‘soundproof earpieces’ tonight?”
“They’d never last in the underwater pressure, so I’d really prefer if they at least stay intact for use on land.”
“And what if I decide to drown you right now? You wouldn’t be able to resist my song.”
It’s true, he probably wouldn’t. But logically speaking, a mermaid who’s chosen to aid him in perfecting his linguistics (multiple times), likely wouldn’t pose a huge threat. On the other hand, he did possibly offend you during your last meeting. In addition, mermaids were notoriously known to be headstrong and fickle as the sea itself. If that were truly the case…
“Then that would be bad luck for me.”
Always so cool, always so calm. The back of your fingers graze past his ear, tempting fate.
“Aren’t you afraid?”
“No.”
To be honest, alhaitham isn’t sure if you’re somehow testing him, what with the way your voice comes out honey sweet to his ears. But his mind is clear and his resolve is strong. He just hopes it translates well to you, despite the slight waver in his hushed voice.
“I know what a kiss means to you humans…” you say, tracing your fingers down the side of his neck, stopping only to toy with the gem on his chest. It’s faint, but you can feel his heartbeat pick up. Blinking once, twice, you look up, holding his gaze, and repeat the question that had left a questionable mark on your correspondence. “Do you trust me?”
There’s no denying that alhaitham is a smart man; he’s learned from his mistake and knows how to answer this time around. Lifting your chin, he gently pulls you in and seals the distance between you with his lips. Your arms wrap around his neck, deepening the kiss, before sinking below the surface, effectively tugging him along, and sending him tumbling into the water with you.
The coldness of the ocean is worlds apart from the warm sumeru air. Alhaitham jerks away, expecting to feel the familiar sting in his nose, but it never comes and he finds himself breathing water like air. You grasp his hand, dragging him into a world unknown— at least to him. You will happily be his guide.
“Well come on. Enough floundering around, we’ve got lots to see.”
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After a night of swimming, alhaitham is absolutely exhausted by the time the two of you make it back to the little cove. Even with the ability to breathe underwater, his human body is still no match for the strong currents of the depths.
“I’ve always wondered why you call yourself feeble, but I see it now,” you tease.
He really only has the energy for a halfhearted retort. “Come to sumeru city, and then we’ll see.”
It’s a long pause before either of you speak again. Only the rolling of tides breaks the silence in the night.
“Do you mean it?” you ask softly, glancing at your tail. The remaining water droplets glisten under the full moon; you’d have a pair of legs once completely dry. Some of your kind yearned for the world above, but you’ve never quite understood the appeal until now.
“Mmm..” It’s a half conscious hum before drifting off to sleep against the cavern walls.
Behind some rocks lay his usual belongings which he had left hidden earlier in the night. You drape his strange half-cape over his sleeping form, recalling how humans tend to get cold easily in the sea breeze, especially while wet.
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“Hey, wake up. It’s noon.”
And so alhaitham opens his eyes to find your face hovering inches from his. Upon further inspection (and after blinking away the sleep from his eyes), he notices that not only has your tail been replaced with a pair of legs, but that you’re also… completely bare.
“What are you—”
Immediately, he turns his head away, choking on his words as a heated blush tints his face. With the reveal that you did in fact know the human implications of a kiss, he’s sure you also know what you’re currently doing as well. But for now… he swiftly gets up, tossing his cape in your direction. He’ll have to make a stop at port ormos to buy you some real clothing later.
It’s amusing, how a man so collected falters in the face of intimacy. With a sly grin, you cover your naked figure, though it quickly fades when you see him packing to leave the privacy of the cavern.
“H-hey help me up!”
“Oh? Feeling feeble, are we?”
a/n2: help i'm so invested in this au i'm probably going to do a third part, so send me an ask or just reply below if you'd like to be added to the series taglist ! thank you for reading ♡
© silkjade — do not steal, plagiarize, translate or repost any content onto any other platform
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Note
hello love! i have something in mind about older brother percy 👐🏻👐🏻
let's just say poseidon couldn't keep his hands to himself and gives sally a daughter, one year later percy was born and they both arrive at the camp same time (obvi) but they get claimed at different times. like he got claimed during capture the flag but she'll get claimed after she won a surfing competition?? idk that would be interesting to include, other wise is just a headcanon req about older brother percy and a fem reader who is his female version
you could include our fav flame boy if you'd like 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 (OMG THIS IS LONG SO SORRY)
⋆⭒˚.⋆ platonic! percy jackson x daughter of poseidon! jackson! reader (leo valdez x reader mentioned) hcs
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content: platonic! percy jackson x daughter of poseidon! jackson! reader (leo valdez x reader mentioned) hcs warning: probs cursing but i think thats it?? OH WAIT SEXUAL REFFERENCES MY BAD LOL author’s note: idk where to put this on my masterlist bc its very half and half SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO FRFR
best of friends
that’s your big brother
he’s protective and loves you more than himself
so when he got claimed, he instantly turned to you to make sure you were okay
then he shoved you into the water himself, eyes locked over your head in wait
nothing happened
not even the small scraps on your knees healed
he fought tooth and nail to not leave you alone in the hermes cabin
he tried handcuffing himself to you but luke just undid it with some lockpicks without even breaking a sweat
you had to comfort percy, telling him that it was okay and that you were happy for him and happy to stay in the hermes cabin
he didn't believe you
hell, you didn't believe you
but you both tried to ignore this strange thing
the fact that percy was wanted and claimed and you...weren't
silently, when no one was around, you prayed for another dad, any god, just not poseidon
the shame the flooded you at the thought of your father being too embarrassed to claim you was nothing compared to the sadness of having a different dad than percy
but, percy wasn't thinking like that
he shoved you into every ocean and water related thing he could
swim team? youre on it
water polo? yup, that one too
horse riding lessons? yeah, kiss your thursday evenings goodbye
and, the only one you sort of liked, surfing
you liked that it was just you, the board, and the waves
you took to it like a duck in water, quickly finding a groove and rhythm
you got so good that percy suggested you sign up for a competition
you agreed, simply bc he was so smiley telling you about it
you hadn't thought anything of the competetion, laughing with percy as he showed off his shirt that he had your guys mom make just for the event, your face and some pun plastered across his chest and back
"what's with the other shirts?" you asked, nodding towards the stack he had in his back, causing percy to turn to you with a wide grin
"i invited everyone to come watch you do a stellar job as always-"
"like...every as in...everyone-everyone?? like...leo too?" you muttered, turning away as you pulled your hair back and pretended to fuss over your board to hide your blushing.
percy squinted suspiciously at you, opening his mouth to question before getting cut off as the rest of the seven show up, leo included
you choked on seemingly nothing, scampering away with calls of needing wax or something else
leo watched you go with a wide grin, tugging his shirt on before turning to percy with a wide smirk
"your sister looks great on my chest, huh?"
"YOU'VE LOST YOUR RIGHTS TO THE SHIRT, GIVE IT BACK-"
"OVER MY DEAD AND COLD BODY!! WHAT AM I GONNA JERK OFF TO-"
"OH IM GONNA KILL YOU SO HARD-"
"WH-WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???"
percy quite literally ripped the shirt off leo, leaving it in shreds in some trash can
leo was pouty the rest of the event, glaring over at percy
annabeth and jason stood between the two to avoid another cat fight
the only thing that made his pout go away was seeing you, clearly in your element
while you were standing with the other competitors, you caught leo's eye and shot him a small wave, leo leaning over the railing to wave back excitedly
this caused him to flip over it, popping back up with sand all up in his curls and a dazed look on his face
you giggled, trying to hide it behind your lips but failing pitifully
leo couldn't help but laugh too, finding your emotions more contagious than any flu he's gotten before.
that was, until security yanked him up and tossed him back over the barrier
then the competition actually started
it was going all dandy until one of the other girls board got caught on some rocks under the water
percy and everyone jumped up, their hero instincts kicking in but before they could even get to the surf, you were already diving into the water
you sort of blacked out to be honest, not really sure how but you managed to tug her free and drag her all the way to the beach
"she's got it all in her lungs," you muttered to yourself, not really sure how you knew she had the saltwater in her lungs
a normal person would have done cpr, but you just set your hands against her chest and allowed instinct to take over
within seconds, she was coughing up the water and shooting up, nearly bonking heads with you
her parents came running, pulling their little girl into their laps and thanking you profusely
you stood up, brushing the sand from your hands and knees as you walked away
"next time you ask me to sign up for something, i'm saying no," you joke as you walk up to percy and his friends, still focused on getting the sand off yourself
"y/n," percy managed to get out, the girl looking up at him with a frown and a tilted head, her eyes darting around to the group, which were all looking at something above her
"...which one?? who is it??" you hissed out, instantly darting your eyes down and refusing to look for yourself.
you thought you saw a flash of sea green but quickly squeezed your eyes shut, refusing to believe anything until one of them told you for sure.
"thank the gods it's not hephaestus," you heard leo mutter and you couldn't help a small twitch of a smile on your lips
"y/n, it's finally the year we get to bunk together," percy replied and you could just hear the grin on his lips
the air squeezed from your lungs, surely from your happiness
percy pulled you into a bone crushing hug, mutters of thanks to his - your - father
you squeezed back, hugging him for the first time as the daughter of the sea god
though, it wasn't even close to the first time you hugged him as his sister
that, you've always been
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joaofelix70 · 8 months
Text
A CRESCENT LOVE, AN EPHEMERAL PASSION | joão félix sequeira.
summary: you and joão spent all the summer together. you even met his friends and brother. could this be the beginning of a crescent love or just an ephemeral passion? his friendship with his ex would ruin everything between the two of you?
author's notes: after the win against luxemburgo, where portugal national team set the record of goals, his ex just posted "mysterious" pics with floki, his dog. joão was also there, almost hidden, actually. we all know she always does it, never assuming anything maturely, but instigating the frustration of the fans who care about him and to make every gossip website and tv show talk about it, just like a teenager who wants attention would act. basically, this inspired me. i really don't hate anyone, by the way. even thought influencers who don't spread any impactful content and nepobabies with no talent and only standard beauty annoys me, i can't lie.
warnings: bad language (of course it's joão saying the words), chaotically humorous almost all the time, but also involving sadness and angst. implicit sex reference, i guess? maybe?
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what do you feel when you hear my name? shame? embarrassment?
does your brain even bring you any sign or memory involving me?
do you ever think about me?
are your moments with her comparable to ours?
can we talk? can we communicate?
is it my fault? do you miss me?
your head was drunk for the whirlwinds of questions that piled up and get bigger, like waves. they seemed to be drowning you. the glowing light and peace of your woody brown gaze gives you triggers. his smile remains embedded, in your heart, an eternal home. the numbness and wrapping of his lips, every inch of his tanned skin and firm muscles being appreciated and admired by you. his hair was shiny, soft and full by the salty waters of the european beaches: always caressed for you. his laughs at you giving him the most silly and lazy hairstyles, with you pretending to be a professional who was filming your customer to tiktok.
“do that pose! yes, your hand against your face! now, give me that playboy eye. just like that! you’re doing amazing, sweetie!”
when you get carried away in the game ‘who am i?’ and tried so hard doing the mimes, jumping excitedly and demonstrating your animation in a loud tone, before covering your own mouth and feigning naturalness, just to repeat the same instant acts.
when you made joão watch your random dances as soon as you won at uno and he’d tell how hilarious you were. when you cooked your regional foods and desserts for félix, his brother who’s hugo, alex — the photographer — diogo from the movemind channel and all of his friends. when he used to hold your face, rest his touch on your waist and thighs. tracing his fingerprints across your scalp, reveling in the ethereal smell of your hair, laying his lips against your entire face and stature, exalting you completely: from your ears, neck, collarbone, belly, legs and even your feet. being a gentleman, joão opened the car door for you, he intertwined the hands of you both in every single opportunity and helped you eat: having the cutlery for you to open your mouth and giving you support with the napkin. when you did his goal celebration. when the two of you invented a handshake, along with various inside jokes. for example, when joão posted many videos of him swimming and playing in the ocean.
“hey, flounder! ‘the little mermaid’? i loved it!”
“why am i not your ariel, tho?”
“why you didn’t say you’d prefer to be eric of the real life?”
“give me some respect, i’m the protagonist of this shit!”
“slay, king!”
you remember singing the songs that played in his car in the most chaotic way, using his hand as a microphone and taking the opportunity to kiss all over it and his fancy bracelets. you offered him affection biting his skin and enjoyed acting like his personal masseuse. you called him ‘my prince of portugal’.
“please, don’t become a stranger.” your last words, face to face. the intensity of the summer weeks of vacation, which were already ending, consuming you.
“you know i’d never do that. look, you’re such a unique person, and even though we’re gonna go back to our busy routines, i still wanna keep you in my life. i still wanna be that close to you.” joão declared and they both found comfort in each other’s arms. his perfume granted the beg leave and penetrated your lungs, giving you life. you felt like you shouldn’t let it go, but there was nothing else to accomplish. you were single, so was he. you ask yourself if everything would be different. maybe if you had tried your lips once again: asking him to give a chance to them, to have more. to not leave what you went through, together, in the box of forgotten memories. would that really suffice, though?
"it's obvious that you’d choose the blonde influencer with light eyes, slender body and member of a rich family. the one who was with a formula 1 racer days before she went to meet you. before you just disappear from my life, without saying anything. the one that doesn't show an ounce of authenticity and, of course, affective responsibility. who am i in comparison to her?! right, joão?" your voice flashed the disparity of fragility and indignation, trembling hands clutching the phone.
“y/n, listen to me. you’d never understand it, okay? you’re not inside this relationship, me and her are. you’re seeing it from the outside, just like everyone else. yeah, she was hanging out and making out with other people. so was i with you. but then, some things changed.” john seemed to be busy. echoes of other people's voices ran through the call.
“nothing has happened between us since the vacation, joão. what doesn’t make sense because i thought you were liking me. i only think about you!” you vented out and received silence. his answers tried to become existent and complete. he stammered, the audible sound of his familiar backwards cap being pulled off and his honey-colored hair being rubbed against his own fingerprints.
“do you think i don’t like you? holy shit, y/n. i even thought we could have so much more. a future together and everything. i think about you and i swear in the name of my family, and i already said that they mean the fucking world to me. the thing is: there’s something that still keep me going back to her. i don’t know if it’s because i’m with her since i was younger, but…”
“joão, this is emotional dependence. i’m sorry to tell you this, however, it’s necessary. i care about you. you’re so internally and externally beautiful, precious, successful and talented. you deserve better!” you interrupted him, stepping back and forth.
“y/n, i love her. when i looked at you…”
“she’s all that you see, right?”
“hm… yeah…” félix found himself in a bind. paralyzed, he remained without an answer for a while. the coldness of the material of his gold necklace touches his tongue: a way to combat the nervousness that generates the gnawed nails.
“my toxic behavior wants to help and fix you so badly, but i know i can’t get more involved than that. i’m not the one for you.” the words reproduced by yourself reinforced the fragmentation of your heart.
“j, baby… are you coming or not? i’m waiting for you, floki is waiting for his dad!” you heard that female voice call to him and realized the way that just this factor made his breathing destabilize.
“i think this is officially the end of whatever we had, joão. goodbye!” your voice was unstable and he realized it: sharp as deep, transparent and suffocating waters.
“i wish you the best, y/n. i apologize for not being what you expected, what you needed, and…”
“caralho, joão! que merda! (holy fuck, joão! what the hell?). come on, give me your phone!” the girl began to rant. her heels against the floor were exclamatory. she was running out of patience.
the call is over. again, you were superimposed on the ocean of blazing tears. you tried to convince yourself that everything went the way it was supposed to be.
but was it for real?
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mrsrookhunt · 11 months
Text
Not me forgetting its Mermay until the last day of May. Anyway, idk if it really counts but now I don't have time for plot planning so have an Azul X Reader.
I really love the idea of present day chubby Azul. Maybe he gained weight over stress, I'm not sure. But you still think he's more than adorable when you see him again a year later.
Leave Me Be
Chubby!Azul Ashengrotto x Reader
Warnings: Angst, Self-shaming, Depression, reader is probably also chubby but maybe I'm just projecting
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Traveling to the deepest depths of the Coral Sea was less than easy. Honestly, the amount of potions and formulas you had to drink from weaker mages made you feel like shit. Azul could've done far better for you, but upon your accidental return to Night Raven College through some portal you'd found in a puddle, you'd found that he'd left the school and decided to take a year for himself at home.
You were shocked, but there wasn't much you could do; he wasn't returning your messages. You waited a couple of weeks for school to let out, and had Jade and Floyd take you to his home.
You quickly found out that Azul had moved out of his family's home, into the outskirts of town, apparently, according to the rumors, depressed and ashamed of himself.
Alone, with Jade and Floyd already gone to their own destination, you swam unguided to where you hoped was at least the general direction of his new home.
The other Mers had said his home wasn't easy to miss, but for someone as unsuited to water as you, particularly in these dark depths, a serious worry that you would get lost ruminated in the back of your mind.
Around 30 minutes of aimless swimming later, you saw a dim light in the gloom.
It seemed to glow a dim purple, somewhere off in a hole in the side of a massive rock formation.
Bracing yourself to swim upwards quite the distance, you realized just how massive this wall of rock and sediment was.
It was just a guess.
No one had mentioned Azul's home as being on the human equivalent of a mountainside. But then again, it didn't seem like many people had visited him. They spoke strongly of his gloomy, irritated demeanor, and unwillingness to use his magic anymore. It seemed that shortly after he moved, he began rejecting visitors all together.
You pulled yourself along the rough rock wall with your hands, following the light, which became clearer and brighter the closer you swam.
It was just a guess, but you were certain if there was any place the Azul you knew would hide, it would be far away from others, holed up in a spot where he'd be safe and unbothered.
The relatively small opening to the cavern you were less than a few feet from fit the definition to a tee.
Maybe 12 feet across both directions, the mouth of the cavern felt tucked away.
You took in a deep breath when you reached the edge, seeing the gauzy purple light brighten from within, relishing the strange feeling of water filling your lungs instead of air.
"Azul?" You called out, unsteady and feeling small in the vast ocean around you, hands still tightly gripped on the rough rocky surface.
A small flurry of bubbles, and the light turned off with a tick.
"I'm not accepting visitors at the moment." A voice called from within, annoyance pricking every syllable.
You sighed and valted yourself into the entrance of the cave with relief, not going any farther.
"Did you not hear me? Step out of my home, I have not invited you here!" His tone was sharp and outright angry.
You couldn't see a thing in the dark now, but you could feel the soft swish in the water of Azul's swift movements nearby.
"Zullie, it's me." You called into the dark, feeling unsettled.
A silence seemed to fall over the small space.
"...Yuu?"
His voice shook, a little weaker than he had clearly intended it to come out.
"I've missed you." You said tentively, hoping he would turn the light on already.
"Why are you here?"
His voice was composed and sharp again.
"W-well," it was your turn to stutter. He seemed almost angry that you were here. "I found a portal back to school and.. I found out that you had left, and I just..." Though you tried to keep yourself together, tears began to flow freely into the ocean. "I couldn't leave you alone. The first person I went looking for when I came back, was you."
You could hear the heavy breathing from what you could now identify as across the room.
That swish of movement again, and--
"Leave me be."
"What-?"
"You heard me." He sounded solemn. "Go, Yuu. Go back to school, or go back home." His voice was softened and shaky; you could hear small sniffles.
"Azul, please, I've missed you so much!" He must have heard the panic, the hurt in your voice, but he only sank deeper into the depths of his cave.
"I don't want you here." He mumbled. "I don't want you here, and I'm not coming back to school either. Don't wait for me."
"Zullie, please! What happened? What's made you like this?"
"You have," He grumbled into the waves.
Your voice dropped to a whisper. "Me? What did I do?" You sat at the edge of the cave.
He didn't respond.
"I'll sit here until you tell me," you warned, in a voice softer than you thought you could manage.
The silence answered you.
"Azul.. I'll go. Just, listen for a moment. I'm sorry if I hurt you... I.. I really missed you. I'm so, so sorry, I'm--" You were crying into your hands at this point.
A single tentacle wrapped around your arm and gently tugged it away from your face.
"It's not your fault.. I shouldn't have hidden it from you. Yuu.. there was something I neglected to tell you before you left. I.. love you. And I didn't tell you. And I've regretted that every day since. I didn't think I would ever get the chance to tell you again."
The tentacle tightened around your arm.
You wiped your tears away, a wry laugh escaping from your mouth amongst the remnants of sobs.
"That's.. what I regretted too. I didn't tell you either.. I love you too, Azul."
You crawled closer to embrace him.
The tentacle rapidly whished away, and you heard him scoot back. You stopped in your tracks.
"..Azul?"
"Yuu.." You could hear the pain in his voice. "It would still be better if you left."
"Absolutely not! You can't j-just confess and expect to escape it now!" You protested. "I've missed you for far too long. Please, I don't want to leave you right now."
You grasped in the dark, coming into contact with a tentacle you gently pulled toward you, sensing Azul moving closer with it.
"You.. you won't like me anymore." His voice is breathy and he sounds pitiful.
"Who said that?"
"You don't understand... I'm not.. what you remember."
"What does that mean?"
"I look different."
"Your mer form, you mean? I've seen it before."
"No.. I looked different in.. other ways."
"...What do you mean?"
The air that hung between you was dampened by the cold, lonely feeling of sadness.
"I used to be fit, and beautiful, for a time... but I couldn't keep that up after you left. Now I'm just a disgusting remnant of who I was when you knew me. I've done nothing but indulge myself in treats, forgotten all about ideal caloric intake, I've not exercised or--" His voice was tangibly anxious, fast and unstable. You could guarantee his eyes were glazed over with tears.
You squeezed the tentacle you were holding tighter, watching him quiet as he wrapped it around your hand, shaking and softly crying.
"Azul, are you trying to tell me that you've gained weight?"
"I look disgusting."
You cast your eyes downward with solemn understanding. "I doubt that, Zullie. I can't imagine you could ever look anything other than perfect in my eyes." Your voice was whisper quiet, but his breath still caught at the sentiment, whimpers lessening as you gently ran a finger back and forth over his suckers to calm him.
"Don't hate me." He muttered, suddenly pulling away from you and shuffling to the other side of the cavern again.
Click
The light revealed your beautiful octo-mer, still as wonderfully entrancing and gorgeous as you'd remembered.
He took your breath away. You could hardly even see any imperfections, even now. His stomach was rounder, his arms were less toned, his jawline was softer and his tentacles looked more full than before. But he was still the most beautiful man you'd ever lain eyes on.
His icy blue eyes were filled with tears you couldn't overlook, and before he could say another word, you launched yourself upon him in a tearful embrace, soothing him with soft whispers while your tears intermingled with his into the open ocean.
His tentacles wrapped against you, words of love and passion falling from both your lips.
You put your hands on each side of his face, guiding him to look into your eyes.
"Azul, I don't see any difference. You're still you. And I love you because of the Azul up here--" you pushed a finger at his forehead. "Not because your body has changed. I love you, Azul. And I won't leave you again."
He buried his head against your neck.
"I love you, I love you so much, Yuu..."
"Zullie.. I'm here to stay. Do you hear me? I'm never leaving you again."
He pulled you tighter to him, sobbing once again.
"Thank you... thank you for coming back, Angelfish."
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May 31st, 2023
Yeah, this was healing, I know I'm not fat but damn I feel horrible about my body :(
-Kaori
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andrumedus · 1 year
Quote
I mean functioning is functioning until the day you wake up and your heart is a broken boat I mean to say I am drowning in the enormity of my own missing pieces
Mary Lambert, Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across; “When I Say Mental Disorder”  
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89rooms · 6 months
Text
Yes, I want the promise of the cathedral of your mouth for the rest of my life. Yes, I want to be the temple of your unraveling.
Mary Lambert, Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across; “Saturday Night Extravagance”
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vaporwavebeach-writes · 9 months
Text
What You Deserve
The Boys
Kevin Moskowitz (The Deep) x Reader (NSFW)
(987 Words)
Summary: The Deep learns to respect women
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Warnings/Tags: 18+, dom!reader, sub!Deep, allusions to sexual assault, hair-pulling, degradation, light bondage, strap-on, The Deep being spineless, gills
Notes: he’s such a fucking loser LMAO the reader is implied fem (bc the content) but no genitals are specified, so go nuts readers!! but this was lowkey a little empowering to write fr, enjoy the fic!!
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“Christ, are you even fucking listening to me?” You grip his jaw harshly. A sudden wince escapes his lips. He’s startled by your aggression, tensing up with his gaze now completely on you.
“I,” he mutters, “I’m sorry.” His voice is clear, pitiful.
“Good,” You smile. Softening your grip, you let your hand fall to where his neck and shoulder meet, keeping your thumb tracing the outside of his throat- an intimate, yet threatening action that The Deep was all too familiar with. He seems to loosen up at your smile, but you can pinpoint the exact moment his heart drops at the sound of your words. “Now take it off.”
The Deep is hesitant. An expression of uncertainty is splashed across his face. His eyes, brilliantly oceanic, stare back at you pleadingly- as if begging you not to make him do what you want him to do.
“It wasn’t a question, Deep,” you say as if you could hear him. Honeyed venom drips from your voice at the sound of his hero name being annunciated. “Don’t make say it again.”
Almost immediately, the silence between the two of you is broken by a defeated sigh, the unzipping of his top, and the sound of it hitting the floor. In front of you, stands The Deep; nervous, self-conscious, and utterly aroused.
Your eyes cascade down his exposed upper half. His sculpted physique stands there stupidly. Meeting The Deep’s eyes once again, you see the war of his insecurity raging throughout his mind.
“They’re really not that bad you know.” You lightly drag your fingers dangerously close to his gills, which begin to flare gently. You can hear him suck in a breath as you tease along the edges of his flesh.
“Please don’t-“
“Don’t worry, I’m not,” you chuckle. You trail your hands up his arms, ending at his shoulders in tight grip that The Deep couldn’t tell was comforting or threatening. You smile wickedly. “I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, I would never stoop to your level.”
The Deep carried himself in a way that seemed vain, brandishing his arrogance with every public appearance. The way Vought would showcase their heroes always came off as superficial, making them flawless to the public eye. It was all an act, it was all bullshit.
Once you learned the truth about supes, The Deep’s sexual misconduct certainly did not come as a surprise you. The fact that he was marketed as The Seven’s heartthrob seemed to worsen that fact until you could see the real him, and what you saw was just a man. Sure, a superhuman man who can swim with inhuman strength, speak to sea creatures, and has gills, but still a man, nonetheless. Behind the fame, publicly, and Vought’s control, The Deep is just Kevin. Just a man with the same insecurities, thoughts, and desires as everybody else, and what a beautiful revelation that is.
“You’re fucking disgusting, you know that?” You say softly. You can see the shame glint across his eyes. You release your grip on his shoulders, allowing your hand to trace up the nape of his neck. “Not for your gills, but the way you use women…”
You press your thumb on the back of his head, cradling it ever so slightly.
“…The way you humiliate them...” Your fingers begin to rake through his chestnut colored hair, which was growing back in nicely after his breakdown in Sandusky. “…Treating them like shit...”
Despite your harsh, honest words, The Deep melted into your touch.
“And for what?” You continue to soothe. “You’re a part of The Seven; America’s fucking sweethearts.”
Your hand is resting on the back of his scalp, gazing into those oceanic eyes. “You already have so much power, why abuse it?”
Kevin pipes up. “It’s not that simple-”
“I know.” You finally snap your hand into a fist, tugging at his hair; roughly yanking him down onto the mattress. “…Which is why we are going to get to the root of your issues.”
Kevin whines at the sudden tightness in his hair, stammering as he finds you on top of him and your mouth devouring his neck.
“You’re a horrible fucking person; a fucking mess...” Your teeth nip across his collarbone, kisses excruciatingly rough. “And you’re going to learn to treat women with some fucking respect.”
“Oh god, yes-” Kevin trails off shakily, head clouded with lust.
“Say it like you fucking mean it.” You give him a light slap.
Kevin snaps back to reality. “Yes! I fucking mean it-” he breathes pathetically.
“Good, because in here?” You push Kevin down by his shoulders and straddle him. “You listen to me, understand? When it’s just the two of us, you have no power…”
You undo his belt, placing it aside. “No control…”
You yank Kevin to his knees, only to forcefully slam him chest first into the wall. “None of that supe bullshit to save you…”
Finding the his belt again, you tightly wrap it around his wrists to tie his hands behind his back. Kevin whimpers out of fear and arousal.
“…And you’re going to enjoy every second of it,” you pull back for a moment, “Are you enjoying it, Kevin?”
Kevin takes a moment to process his position. His erection is obvious, excruciating. Heavily breathing, feeing his chest graze the wall with every exhale. His wrists, tightly bound behind him. He looks back at you; eyes practically begging you to ruin him.
“Yeah,” he gulps.
“Good,” you loosen up on him, “Because you’re about to get everything you fucking deserve.”
A chill runs down Kevin’s spine when he turns around to see you fastening on a strap-on.
“On your fucking knees, Kevin,” you chuckle. With one hand you whirl him around and lower him to his knees. His eyes are wide, terrified, but his erection begs to differ. “We’ve got a long night ahead of us.”
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readtilyoudie · 7 days
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never let them know how lonely it is to have a body that is a joke, the punch line in comedies, the “before” picture never let them know you want to be something other than the ugly best friend. never let them know that the next person to reach their hands into your chest may look at you in awe, at how surprisingly breakable you are, how you have survived this long.
Shame Is an Ocean I Swim Across: Poems by Mary Lambert by Mary Lambert
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