#she’s been on here since 2007 or 2008

[just-about-nothing]

my mother’s been on tumblr longer than yall

[satoruxx]

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER.

✧ PAIRING: gojo satoru x reader, geto suguru x reader (hinted) | 5k words

✧ SUMMARY: ghost!reader, major character death, jjk manga spoilers, so much angst bc you literally die lmao, longing, mutual pining, suppressed feelings, everyone sucks at love, some fluff, banter, might be slightly suggestive, lots of hinted feelings (read: suguru), arguments, overall this is painful so read if you enjoy angst !!

✧ RHEYA'S NOTE: this idea randomly came to me before i went to bed a few days ago and in the spirit of halloween, i figured why not? i live off of angst and need to share the pain with everyone lmao oops. this is late for halloween tho my bad !!

i. 2007

satoru brings one more flower than he did the day before. morning glories again, of course, but an extra one. he had added one more to the the bunch every day since the day you died. the first day, he brought three, wrapped with a cheap blue ribbon that he found in his desk drawer. it was hardly a respectable bouquet, but those three flowers were the ones he'd grown for you, so it only seemed fitting.

he didn't care much for gardening. but one day you asked shoko what her favorite flowers were so you could give her some on valentine's day. she asked you what yours were so she could return the favor.

satoru never forgot morning glories after that day.

he's not even sure if morning glories are appropriate to bring to a grave, but he knows you'd like them.

you would tell him it didn't matter anyway.

ii. 2007

(suguru did not cry when you died. satoru watched, intently, because there was nothing in the universe that his six eyes couldn't catch. he waited for it, even a sliver of emotion that would betray suguru's bleeding heart, but he gave nothing. he just stood in front of the stone that marked the end of your life with a deep stare. something had settled there in his eyes, cold and resolute.

a few months before you died, you had told satoru that there was something wrong with suguru. you said that he'd been distant, somewhere far away, and you worried for him. you always did, so open with your affection for him.

"don't want him to get lost." you had hummed, your shoulder brushing against satoru's as you raise the mango ice pop he brought you to your mouth. satoru watches your lips out of the corner of his eyes, his stomach flipping eagerly even as he keeps his face impassive.

"he said it was just the summer heat," he answers, ignoring the sweet mango juice dripping down his knuckles. "should be nothing."

you don't look all that convinced, turning your head to look up at him with meaningful glance. "you sure?"

he stares at you for a lengthy second, cerulean eyes darting over your facial features, before he reaches up and knocks his knuckle against your forehead. "yeah. he'll be fine." he assures, and your shoulders relax as you continue to eat the ice pop.

you were right about it all. four days after you die, suguru massacres an entire village.)

iii. 2008

satoru shifts in his bed, grunting quietly he begins to stretch his stiff joints. his eyes crack open, still heavy with sleep as he waits for his dark ceiling to come into focus. except it doesn't, because all he can see are a pair of very familiar looking eyes. unsaturated, but still so obviously the color he once knew. his own eyes snap open, all traces of sleep gone as he finally makes out someone who looks exactly like you, perched on his stomach with a confused and slightly panicked expression.

he shoots up, and you pull back a little. it looks like you're on his lap, and yet he can't feel you on him at all. he gulps.

"hey toru." you say quietly, and his stomach drops. the same eyes, the same voice. gods above.

"you're dead," he says simply, trying not to betray the way his pulse is jumping at even the smallest glimpse of you again. "you're not real."

"i'm dead," you confirm, nodding your head as you look down at your translucent palms. "but i'm here somehow."

he sucks in a breath, reaching out a hand as if to touch you. the disappointment he feels when it passes through your form is sickening.

you smile shakily, shrugging your shoulders as you attempt to make light of the situation.

"guess i couldn't stay away."

he stares at you for minutes without saying a word and you stare back, equally silent.

iv. 2007

(nanami had carried your body back, his teeth gritted as his blonde hair fell over his eyes. satoru never brought it up, but he knew that nanami remained bothered by it for the rest of his life. your death was bad timing, especially after they had just lost haibara a few weeks prior.

nanami had no reason to blame himself though. if anything, it was satoru's fault you were gone.

shoko had called him from the infirmary, her voice hard and pinched as she spat out three words: "get down here."

when satoru saw your body, he didn't say a word. just took a few long strides until he was at the table where nanami had placed you down. your eyes were shut, face resting in a way that seemed so unnatural. he opened his mouth to ask shoko something, but felt like he was choking on air, so he stopped himself.

then he grabbed your limp fingers, squeezed them gently. they were still a little warm, but not as warm as you usually run. shoko didn't say anything, just stood there with her hands clenched, short brown hair falling over her dark eyes.

satoru remained there for the next thirty minutes, waiting for you to sit up and laugh at the prank you were no doubt pulling. as if your blood wasn't still dripping all over the table.

shoko was the one who finally pulled a sheet over your body with shaking hands. she didn't look satoru in the eye, and didn't spare a glance when suguru burst into the room ten minutes later.)

v. 2008

it takes satoru a while to get used to the fact that you're not physically there. he has to bite his tongue when he moves to bump your shoulder or flick your forehead only to find that his skin goes right through yours. you always give him that same little rueful smile, and he sighs to himself.

he doesn't make an effort to figure out why you're there. he figures it's similar to how jujutsu users can come back as curses due to strong feelings. when he thinks about it though, guilt lodges itself into his throat, because the first thought he had when he heard you were entering death's door was no, don't you dare die.

every day he wonders if he's the one who cursed you to stay.

you act like it doesn't matter, hovering around him as he busies himself in his empty room. at first you're quiet, as though you've forgotten how to speak to him in your incorporeal form. but then you start asking him questions, and it's one question that satoru dreads to answer that you finally bring up.

"where's suguru?"

he's not stupid. he knows there's more you think of suguru than you've ever revealed. of course you'd want to know. but that doesn't mean he wants to be the one to tell you. you had died with nothing but a good impression of geto suguru. you'd probably died with your feelings for him still intact too.

it'd be selfish of satoru to ruin that.

"nothing, don't worry about it," he dismisses, voice clipped as he busies himself with preparing dinner. he knows that won't deter you.

you huff, moving to hover in his line of sight. you cross your arms as you glare at him seriously, and satoru hates how nostalgic your expression makes him feel. he tongues his cheek before sighing.

"he's gone." satoru answers simply. he tries to keep his tone even but it comes out bitter and strained. he can hear your quiet gasp, and feels your form move closer to him. if you were alive, he'd be able to feel your breath on his skin now.

"what do you mean, gone?"

satoru sighs again, turning to look at you completely. he hated everything about this. "he left school. went crazy. killed a bunch of people, including his parents."

he would've laughed at the comical way your jaw dropped if you didn't look so hurt. you sputter over your words as he picks up his bowl and moves to the table, trailing after him and demanding more information.

he doesn't hesitate to share, because he's always hated keeping secrets from you. you had this uncanny ability to see straight through him, and it never failed to make him feel unsettled. so he tells you everything that happened in the few weeks after you died. suguru leaving, their confrontation in shinjuku, his plans for non-sorcerers. he leaves nothing unsaid.

when he's done, he finally looks at you, trying to gauge your reaction. but you're just staring at his food with a bitter expression, brows pinched and lips pursed. satoru says your name once.

you glance at him, and it's too quick for him to look for any accusation in it. doesn't matter though, because he's ready to own up to his mistakes.

"you were right back then. about suguru." satoru admits quietly, turning to his food. he doesn't want to look at you anymore, because he's scared you'll show him how disappointed you are with him.

you don't say anything in response. but you sit down at the small dining table and watch him eat with soft eyes, one bite at a time. satoru doesn't admit it, but the whole time he imagines that you're gently rubbing his shoulder, and he thinks he hasn't missed you more than in that moment.

vi. 2007

(it was satoru's fault you died. if he hadn't been so selfish, you'd still be next to him, shoulder brushing his as the two of you walked through the streets of tokyo.

you had knocked on his door that morning before you had left for your last mission, rocking on your heels. he opened it groggily, still half asleep.

"you going on a mission?" satoru had yawned, drowsy eyes trailing over your uniform. you nod with a grin.

"mhm, with nanami. there are two separate areas with curses though, so we'll split up when we get there. should be simple enough." you shrug, toying with the collar of your uniform jacket.

satoru decides to be annoying. "then why are you here disturbing my sleep? get out." he groans dramatically, peering at you with narrowed eyes. you smack his arm, scoffing. you've stopped questioning why he keeps his infinity down for you do those things to him.

"i was gonna ask if you wanted to come with," you hiss, crossing your arms defensively. "but i'm taking it back, asshole."

he grins. "what? can't stay away?"

you roll your eyes, shaking your head with a sarcastic laugh. "don't flatter yourself."

satoru pauses for a second. "i was gonna go back to sleep." he admits, feeling a little guilty. he had just come back from a mission the night before, and he doesn't feel like leaving again. he doesn't know how to say that to you though.

but you see right through him, like you always do.

"you've been going on missions a lot lately," you smile earnestly, patting his shoulder. "no wonder you're tired."

"'m the strongest, i don't get tired." he protests, crossing his arms with a scoff. you roll your eyes again, sticking your tongue out at him as you heft your weapon over your shoulder.

"keep it up and you're seriously gonna fry your brain or something," you say with a shake of your head, eyes betraying your concern for him. he notices it, and tries to smother down the way it makes his stomach flip. "i'll be fine. you can come on my next mission with me."

fair enough, he thinks. he hadn't gone on missions with you or suguru in a while. he should remember to ask yaga to let him go on your next one. just the two of you. you and him. maybe he'd buy you a mango ice pop on the way back.

"fine." he acquiesces easily, not even thinking to protest. he'll see you later anyway, so he'll talk to you more when you get back.

you smirk a little, motioning to his bedhead, before gently kicking his shin. "go back to sleep then, stupid."

he rolls his eyes, reaching up to knock his knuckle against your forehead like he always does. "whatever. bring me some sweets on your way back, yeah?"

the laugh you give him as he shuts the door is the last thing he ever hears from you.

he should've gone with you.)

vii. 2012

satoru hates the way you're looking at him right now.

it was a stupid little mistake. he had gone to see little megumi and tsumiki earlier that afternoon, and as usual, you had tagged along with him. you'd watched him raise up the two kids over the last few years, never failing to tease about his newly acquired fatherhood, or how much he seemed to care about them despite his efforts to hide it. he didn't ever think to say that you'd helped him raise them up too. even in your incorporeal form you'd always been around to tell him what meals he could prep or to remind him that megumi liked black forest cake for his birthdays.

he'd gotten so used to you being around and he slipped up once. that afternoon when he had walked megumi home from school, teasing and poking fun at the kid, he'd made a stupid joke. megumi had rolled his eyes and told him to shut up.

and then without thinking, satoru had turned to you as you hovered next to him and groaned your name out dramatically before whining, "this kid is so mean to me!"

your eyes widened immediately, and if you were alive he'd probably see the color drain from your face. his stomach had sank and he couldn't tear his eyes away from you, even when megumi glanced at him with a raised brow.

"who are you talking to?" he asked, and satoru gulped, shaking his head as he broke eye contact with you to look down at the kid.

"nobody." he had answered.

he tries to ignore the meaningful stare you pin him with for the rest of the afternoon, hoping that you'll just forget about it. but as soon as satoru has left the kids and he's back in his own room, you're on him. he busies himself with making a cup of hot chocolate, even though he feels sick to his stomach.

"satoru you have to figure out how to get rid of me!" you plead, eyes so sad it makes his stomach churn. "i'm gonna drive you insane!"

"i'm fine!" he snaps back, shaking his head as he takes a sip from his mug, the warmth distracting him from whatever it was you were trying to remind him of. he places it down on the table in front of him and crosses his arms defensively. "it was a stupid mistake. won't happen again."

you shimmer in and out of focus, manifesting in front of him with a glare, though your eyes are still the same. wounded and hurt. "it wasn't and you know it! you can't keep living like this. i've been haunting you for years, toru!"

"well who asked you to go ahead and die?!" he yells without thinking, and it's like he sees your hurt bubble forth in slow motion.

"i went and died because i made a stupid mistake on a mission! quit blaming yourself, you dumbass!" you shout, voice raised higher than he's ever heard it.

satoru's mug shatters against the wall.

the two of you immediately turn to look at the mess with wide eyes, before slowly turning to each other to ensure that it really did happen.

"how'd you do that?" satoru asks quietly, his voice strained as he takes a few long strides towards you. you look down at your hand, the same one that you had lifted to swipe at his mug during your fit of rage. you look back up at him with wide eyes and parted lips. satoru's head is pounding, some kind of sick hope stirring within him. "you had to have touched it."

"i don't…" you trail off, voice filled with awe and a bit of fear. satoru reaches up a hand, ignoring the tremble in it, and moves to touch your face. he will never admit to the amount of times he begs in his head, please please please.

his hand goes straight though your skin, and your eyes soften. satoru lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, hiding his disappointment as he takes a step back and turns away.

viii. 2006

(satoru thinks gardening is ridiculous. plants are so fragile, needing to be constantly monitored and cared for like children. he can't understand why anyone would choose to garden as a hobby when there were less stressful things to do in spare time.

even the process was time consuming, he realizes as he scoops out piles of dirt into the small pots he had set out on his windowsill.

he thinks back to the silly little grin you had on your face as you answered shoko's question.

"morning glory," you had said, leaning against her shoulder. "i like the way they open in the morning and close at night."

shoko hummed, staring at the sky even as satoru quietly eavesdropped. "you got a favorite color?"

"the blue ones," you answered. "they're the prettiest."

your voice echoes in his head as he places the seeds into the soil, and he sighs heavily. why he was doing this for you was beyond him.

the thought makes him annoyed, and he huffs in frustration the entire time he plants them. gardening had to be the stupidest hobby ever.

and yet when three blue morning glories bloom against his windowsill, he can't hold back his grin.)

ix. 2017

satoru's grateful that you don't watch him kill suguru.

he tells you to go, and you give suguru a long stare, face pinched and sour even though your translucent eyes are shining. it's a shame suguru can't see you though, because satoru thinks you look so pretty. suguru would've been lucky to have you be the last thing he ever saw.

you turn away and disappear without a word, and after one last exchange, satoru finishes the job.

it's only after he watches rika's final goodbye to yuta does he realize the extent of what a goodbye even means. he'd said one to suguru, and yet he can't help but miss him as he walks back home. he wonders if suguru wouldn't have had to die if you were still around.

satoru had never gotten a goodbye with you though. you're somehow still with him, but he misses you so much. it puts an ugly feeling in his gut, twisted and dark. it weighs down on his shoulders as he finally opens the door to his room, heavy and overwhelming as he sees you sitting on his bed, face vacant.

he says your name, and you don't move. he takes a seat next to you, and something about your sad expression makes him so unbelievably angry.

"quit being sad about it," he finally spits out, the truthful extent of his feelings coming out. "it's not like you're even alive that you'd be able to see him."

you scoff as you give him a sidelong glare. "what's that supposed to mean? one of my closest friends just died and you expect me not to be upset about it?"

"at least he'll find a way to you!" satoru hisses, clenching his fists so hard that his nails leave crescents in his skin. "you two can have fun together for all of eternity."

there's a tense silence that follows as he grits his teeth, turning away from you. he's so disgusted right now. with suguru, with you, with himself.

"i'm all by myself." satoru mutters bitterly, the words so foreign on his tongue as the truth hits him.

god he misses you so much.

he suddenly feels a sharp thwack on the back of his head and he's turning around with wide eyes.

"don't you dare forget about shoko!" you hiss, tears in your eyes as you glare at him, hand raised. "i'll never forgive you!"

his throat goes dry, because the smack you just gave him was the first time you'd touched him since the day you died. there's a storm in his throat that threatens to break free, but he tries to keep it lodged in his throat. even with your teary eyes, he thinks you look just as pretty as you did with life flowing through you.

he misses suguru. he knows you do too, because there are translucent tears dripping down your cheeks and he has never ached to touch you more. but he can't because you're dead.

you remain in front of him all night, barely saying a word in between your sniffles. he doesn't say anything either, just watching you.

he doesn't know what there is to say. the only thing he ever wishes he got to say to you was goodbye. but you're here, in front of him, so a goodbye seems pointless.

when the sun comes up, you wish him a merry christmas, and he swears you never left him.

satoru says it back to you. you smile sadly.

he misses you so much.

x. 2007

(satoru had cleaned out your dorm room three days after you died.

he didn't really understand why he was doing it so early. shoko had frowned when he told her that he planned to pack away your things, frowned in a way that made her look like she disagreed.

well even if she did disagree, it didn't stop her from sitting in your desk chair, chewing on her nail quietly as she watched satoru fold your clothes. he didn't even understand why he was doing this.

maybe it was because every time he walked past your empty dorm room he felt sick to his stomach. there was a twisting feeling in his gut when he realized that you'd never curl up in that bed again. never sit by the window with a grin watching him and suguru bicker as they threw playing cards on the floor. he figured the faster he got rid of your remnants, the quicker the feeling would go away.

that's what he's hoping anyway. but when he picks up your jujutsu uniform he feels something claw at his throat, and he unconsciously digs his fingers into the fabric. he hears a sigh from behind him and then shoko is at his side, wordlessly easing the cloth from his hand. she lays it on the bed, smoothing out the wrinkles before folding it carefully. when she places it into the box, satoru thinks her hands shake a bit.

there's a bitter expression on shoko's face that he's never seen before, and it makes his stomach twist.

they work on your room for the next few hours, until the sun has disappeared behind the horizon and the cool evening breeze bullies its way into your old space. neither of them say anything, save for the occasional nostalgic hum as they remember something that you did or they're reminded of the story behind one of the trinkets in your room. otherwise it's silent, and for a second satoru feels like he can hear your laugh.

it isn't until night has completely fallen that they are interrupted.

"what are you doing?"

satoru turns around just as shoko looks up, both of them finding suguru standing in the doorway. he hadn't taken a step in yet, eyes still trailing over the emptiness of your old room from behind an uncrossed line.

"cleaning." satoru answers, his voice oddly clipped.

"it wasn't messy…" suguru mutters back, his lips slanting in such an unusual way. there was an uncharacteristically determined look in his eyes, as though there was something in him that was struggling to burst forth. satoru didn't understand what it was.

"never said it was." satoru replies noncommittally. he hears shoko inhale deeply, shifting in your old chair as she watches the two of them stare at each other. there's a tense silence as he notices suguru frown.

satoru can't remember the last time he even had a full conversation with suguru. he remembers seeing you leave for your last mission, and he wants to kick himself for not asking earlier to be sent on group missions with the two of you.

even now, he doesn't really know what to say to suguru. all he can do is tighten his fingers around the edge of the box with your stuff neatly packed in, and watch his best friend sigh.

suguru wets his lips, eyes darting over your desk. there's an odd expression on his face, and his brows pinch as he notices something. then suguru reaches out to pick up an old polaroid, and satoru knows exactly which one it is. your arms slung around suguru's shoulders, smile so wide your cheeks probably hurt. suguru's expression was uncharacteristically gentle.

satoru remembers it so well, because he's the one who took the picture.

suguru looks at the polaroid without a word, rubbing the corner between his thumb and forefinger, and his expression suddenly mirrors the gentleness in the picture. his eyes remain stormy, deep and unsettling as he reaches conclusions that satoru will never understand.

the three of them stay quiet for a few minutes, even though satoru has so many questions that he can't figure out how to phrase. shoko toys with a cigarette between her lips, leaving it unlit because you've always hated the smell of smoke. suguru just stands there, silently eyeing your unfiltered smile through the lens of a camera.

satoru wonders if suguru's trying to say goodbye to you. he doesn't ask, and suguru doesn't say.

only after something had clicked in suguru's eyes, did satoru realize something was over. he couldn't help but feel like he had just buried you in that cardboard box with all your things, and he swallows hard.

then suguru clenches his fists, veins flexing as he looks around your room, almost like he was committing it to memory. satoru didn't understand why; it's not like suguru couldn't come see your room anytime he wanted.

then he turns away, hand lingering on the doorframe heavily, without another word.

just as suguru walks away, satoru thinks he hears your voice whispering in his ear.

"don't want him to get lost."

xi. 2018

something is wrong. something happened. something is wrong.

satoru knows he needs to wake up. but he's so tired, so exhausted from carrying on all by himself. he suddenly remembers the taste of frozen mango, sweet and chilled, and he wants to keep thinking about it for the rest of eternity.

but something is wong. he needs to wake up.

the minute satoru forces his eyes open, he can ignore the taste of blood in his mouth because you're there.

you're kneeling at his side, sunlight shining behind your head in a way that makes you look almost angelic. he'd believe it if you said you were an angel, because you've been dead for so long now.

you'd been a ghost for so many years, hovering around him and getting him through everything that had come his way. isn't that what guardian angels were supposed to do, guiding humans through their own trials? isn't that what you were doing to him since the day you died and came back to him?

you'd been a ghost. you'd been his angel. you'd been haunting him.

you'll always haunt him.

you seem to know it too, because the expression on your face is understanding, soft and yet so sad.

for what seems like the millionth time in his life, satoru aches to touch you.

he tries to move his hand but finds that he can't. synapses misfire. he can't feel his body anymore.

he wants to touch you. gods above, he wants to touch you so badly. please just this one last wish.

your translucent forms shimmers in the sunlight, and satoru can't tell if he's hallucinating or not because you suddenly seem to become fully physical. the particles of your form solidify, slowly filling with more color until you don't look quite so dilute. the saturation of your eye color comes back, and satoru can't look away because he's never seen a ghost so pretty before.

his breath hitches as you gently cup his cheek in your palm, warm and gentle. the melancholic look on your face makes his eyes sting.

"it's good to see you." he says with a weak smile, ignoring the metallic taste on his tongue. his breath is short, mind racing because your skin is on his again. finally, after so many years. you're so soft, just like he remembers.

"you weren't supposed to join me this quick." you sigh, eyes shining as you smile down at him ruefully. your thumb brushes over his bottom lip, and satoru's cerulean eyes flutter.

no. no more waiting. he'd missed you too much. he doesn't have it in him to stay away from you anymore. he'd done it long enough. your fingers tremble against his skin and he almost laughs.

no more haunting.

there's a resolute part of him that knows you'll be the first thing he sees when he gets to wake up again. he decides that, when he does, he'll get you a mango ice pop and plant some morning glories with you.

his eyes fall shut with a sigh.

"guess i couldn't stay away."

[blueparadis]

╰┈➤ ULTRAVIOLENCE ✦ SUGURU GETO.

⟣ ──┈ · · · + synopsis ➢ On Christmas evening of 2009 Geto Suguru receives an unexpected gift, a cure to his loneliness, and a curse to his mission of creating his "new world".

⟣ ──┈ · · · + cw ➣ fem!reader, cult leader!geto suguru, canon divergent, profanity, prostitution, yandere!getou suguru, possessive behavior,smut, f1ngering, hand job, mutual masturbation, nipple stimulation, mutual pining, heavy angst, angst and tragedy, canon-typical violence; 4,7k word count + this this for @nagumoan's collab: 'dance with the dead'

| blog navigation + koct’23 masterlist. + cross-posted to ao3.|

30th of September, 2007.

The warmth and the humidity in the air have been settling on Geto’s skin for a while. The shrill cry of cicadas has been ringing in his ears. Even now, he can hear it amidst the sound of running water, washing dishes, and the table fan. 

“Otou-san will be home soon, Sugu. You don’t have to wait for him to come back. Nowadays, he works till late at night.” The elderly woman puts the poached egg in the ramen bowl and places it in front of her son. Suguru stares at the food with plain slate eyes. “Your father thinks he can help you with your higher studies.” —his mother wipes her frail, slightly wrinkled hands in her apron before dragging the chair and sitting in front of her son, face to face— “But actually, he just misses having you around the house since you moved in the dorms last month. Is the food there okay? Are you eating well?”

Suguru does not speak. He gulps remembering the taste of curses. He has been doing his job like a robot all this summer— exorcise, absorb, digest. exorcise, absorb, digest, exorcise, absorb, digest, absorb, digest— “How is Satoru?” his mother asks pulling him back into reality. Her smile was so soft smile that Suguru thought it could make lilies bloom. He just listens to his mother like he usually does whenever he visits her. His eyes fall onto the ramen bowl again, there are hot fumes emerging from it. They must smell delicious like he remembers. But unfortunately, it failed to thrum the strings of Geto Suguru’s heart. 

“Okaa-san, it’s okay. I’m not that hungry. I can wait for Otou-san to come home.” he remarks, smiling at his mother letting the food get cold. He has done this so many times, engaging his mother in talk so that she does not notice how hard it is for him to chew, swallow & eat without experiencing the taste and smell of it. All he can feel on his tongue is the rotten taste of curses, the aroma of dying corpses of his fellow jujutsu sorcerers. Maybe this is why he is losing weight so fast, not because of the heat. The more he tried to cling onto the mundanity of humans the farther it slipped away from him; like sand spilling through the gaps of his fingers.

“But why aren’t you in your school dress, my dear?” His mother asks, noticing him in normal black trousers and shirt.

“Oh! It got too much dirt.” He responds, looking at the clock in the kitchen. 

This time will be the last time he sees his mother’s smile, hears her voice, sees her cook food for him, and the last time he welcomes his father to home.

3rd of February, 2008

“Oka-san. Otou-san. I’m turning 18 today.”  Suguru jocked down to sit in front of his parents' graveyard. He places a few incense sticks with the fragrance of chrysanthemum, two bowls full of ramen, and some sake in front of the graveyard. He looks at the poached eggs, and the lump in his throat bobs once. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come on your funeral day.”

“Neeh—Oka-san, are you listening?” His eyes perk up. “Is it bad that I don’t regret any of this?” There is a pause before he stands up again. He finishes his last bit of cigarette and burns the butt with his cursed energy. “But you know what? I’m now less angry and more guilty. Guilty of so many things—”

“Geto-sama, we don’t have much time. They will tail us soon if we are here any longer than this.” Manami speaks with worry carefully buried under her commanding tone. His phone vibrates. He checks the caller ID. Shui Kong it read. A salacious curve appears at one corner of his lip. Disbanding the star religious group was a piece of cake for him. And, now with the help of Shui Kong, he will get an endless influx of money and curses in no time yet it would not be enough to defeat ‘the strongest’; he thinks. nope, that’s wrong, deep down, he knows that.

“Yeah, you are right. Nanako and Mimiko will get scared if they wake up and find none of us.” Geto smiles before turning on his feet to walk. As he starts to walk Manami waits till he goes ahead of her, at least eight feet from her and then she follows Geto Suguru. Geto's shadow does not even touch Manami’s, never does, she makes sure of that. She does not belong to his shadow, nor as his comrade but perhaps a part of the ‘family’ that Geto-sama keeps talking about. 

“I won’t be here next year,” Suguru murmurs to himself before stepping out of the graveyard. He never looked back that day not while walking, not while getting in the car, and not even through the mirror. He did not feel the need to look back.

24th of December 2009

Geto Suguru skims through the thick crowd in the front lounge of one of the most expensive brothels in the city like the bow of a ship through the waves. There are men on couches, beautiful women over them, and the blended aroma of strong cologne and burning tobacco fills the air. Not only that, the tingling music mixed with waves of laughter of women and men makes Geto slaver at the thought of killing them all. He could do it now. He has both, power and confidence. But he is not here to create a massacre.

“Getou-sama,” a familiar low hum reaches his ears making him turn his head. At first, he thought he was just imagining it then he felt a tug in his baggy pants. He lowers his eyes to the ground.

“Ahhhhh! Nanako—Suguru takes her in his arms and clears his throat before speaking making it tart at every stretch of his words— “Didn’t I tell you to wait for me at the car? It's not safe for you here.” Not only it is unsafe but also inappropriate. A girl of her age should not witness the path that could also been her if he had not saved Nanako and her twin sister two years ago. Geto strolls back towards his car. “Negi, make sure she does not follow me. ” He instructs this young lad who drove Geto today keeping a sleeping Nanako inside the car. 

“Well, she wouldn't have been here if she didn't fight with her sister,” Negi responds before bowing down. Geto watches the car go inside the parking area and then he vanishes into the thick crowd like a pebble in the wind of lust, power, money, and scandal. He earns a few curious stares and with such enormously handsome features and elegantly electrifying personality who would miss? It dawns on his mind that he killed the Yakuza who owned this brothel a week ago. The crowd is bearable, well, penetrable at least. Walking amongst non-sorcerers makes him nauseous at times but now he has reached the point where a part of him is willing to abolish this useless crowd in a snap. But he does not need to, not now. Now is not the time, nor the place. 

Geto Suguru should have been at his new home with his new family spending this fine Christmas evening drinking. In all honesty, he did not even have to cut through this lustrous mob if Shui Kong kept his word, that is, delivering the money in the proper place and time. The only reason why he came in person to collect the money was because Shui Kong was the one who helped him to get a grasp on the star religious group. Not only that, he kept giving Geto information about such groups, and with his cursed manipulation technique he gobbled them up in no time. It was a walk in the park for him.

There was a steady flow of curses and money. Even certain small yakuza gangs, the smart ones but with lower manpower, started to send favors to appease him. He is like a god of the underworld now. But some dumb power-hungry yakuza men refused to retort to such steps and hence, they fell prey to his curses. He is going to eventually kill all these foxes but not now. He needs them now, he needs them to dilute his presence and make himself untraceable in the hands of jujutsu sorcerers. Killing the lions has already been a huge loss. 

“There you are, Mr.Kong.” Geto remarked walking into the room. He does not take a sit rather stands against the door almost covering the entrance. 

“Forgive me—” Shui starts with a brilliant smile that has cracked more deals than existed. He is not a pawn but a rook. “I would have gone to your place but I am needed to resolve an issue here.”

Geto chuckles. “Maybe it's your need that brought you here.” He quipped as Shui kept two briefcases on the bed. 

Shui Kong gives him an assertive look before smiling. He lights up a cigarette and says, “ Would have been a happier man if that were the case but— ” There is a ridge between Geto’s eyebrows as he refuses to finish his thoughts. Blowing a puff into the air he turns his head to the other side of the room, towards another door, and yells from the bottom of his lungs. “Princess, I don't have all day.” Geto’s eyebrows do not let go of the tension. His arms are now crossed tightly across his chest, lower lip gleaming since he swiped his tongue across it. He just needs to see this princess, just for once. 

“You see, someone asked for her, a fox from a rival gang.” Kong starts to explain. The cigarette in between his index and middle finger keeps sizzling in scarlet red. “he is saying he is gonna pay full for her— you know — but she was attacked while working —”

Geto’s dark eyes are now stuck on the doorknob. It starts to rotate. He registers Shui’s words who is scrolling through his phone to call them. The click of the doorknob makes Geto release the breath he was holding back, slowly. Before the slightest part between the door and the frame, Geto’s lips part exclaiming, “Shhhhhhh!” with a hiss at the end. 

You unlock the door and wait for an opening to interrupt their conversation.

Shui Kong looks at Geto and then he follows those dark drunk eyes of Geto Suguru that took him to the other side of the room. There you stood, in a translucent white dress covering you from head to toe. There is a rose around your neck and rose leaves on the hem of your full-sleeved dress but beneath the dress, anyone could easily see the bandages around certain parts of your body — scattered and ripped. Your nipples are visible too. They are perked. Geto maintains his stance, hands inside his pocket and standing by supporting his shoulder against the door frame. Only his lips move, growling and raging underneath. “So, there are still those who don't obey me,” His eyes drink in your appearance so shamelessly; utterly shamelessly. 

You rake away your eyes from this man of Six feet and some inches, clamping your palms around your upper arms. Geto walks inside the room. “There will be no exchange of anything from here, Shui Kong-san.” He does not take any of the suitcases just your cell phone from the dressing table.

“Passcode?”

You exchange glances with Shui Kong before opening your mouth. He nods. You answer him, “4444.” Geto's eyes flash onto you checking if you are mocking him or not. You are not. He unlocks your phone checks the search history. 

“There’s a lot of porn here.” 

You rub your upper arms slowly and say, “It’s not like my clients are interested in my pleasure— or my well-being.” 

“You need to check her phone to tell? Can't you tell just by looking at her?” That earns Shui Kong a momentary glare. 

“Yet you are willing to sell her,” Geto prompts sarcastically with a smile plastered on his face. There is an edge in his voice. Shui does not protest. He knows what he is doing. “You can stay with me,” He offers, without thinking about the consequences of it. “Of course, you’ll keep working, then.” It takes you a moment to decipher his words but it is not something unexpected. 

“Oh, I don’t mind, whatever you want.” You say quickly. “I can follow orders.” Embarrassment seeps into your skin as you realize how rushed those words were that came out of your mouth. Scanning him through the corner of your eye, you find him smirking still checking your phone.

“Get her things in the car. She will be staying with me from now on.” Geto remarks slipping the phone in his pocket before leaving.

Shui Kong sits on the bed, soft and pink with a thud. “Do you realize what you are doing, Y/N?” 

“You heard him.” You say getting out of those high heels and changing into flats. Even though you are bruised you managed to get your trolley. It is a good thing that you wore a long coat to cover yourself up. People are already staring, what would they have done if you turned up in such scantily dressed attire? Your Madame has already been summoned. Getting out of the building you look around and find Geto Suguru talking to your Madame. Shui Kong is also there. The moment you open the door of the car you spot a kid sleeping on the back seat. This must be Nanako. You adjust the kid's head on your lap. She's gonna get her neck sprained if she sleeps like that. Through the window, you see Geto still talking to your Madame, as he keeps jerking his leg impatiently and occasionally scratching his forehead with his thumb.

“We can't afford to do that — her regulars — they will complain. ” she tartly remarks. 

“Well, give them a discount. You know how the system works, so figure something out with Shui Kong-san.” 

“Have it your way then. She was a jinx anyways ” She remarks letting all the disappointment out. It piques Geto’s interest because when he saw you, you were not looking at him, you were looking behind him. A feeble curse not visible to normal people but visible to people with enough cursed energy to become a sorcerer or an exorcist. He specifically customized this curse after digesting it to pick up ‘talents’ like you who are considered as ‘freaks’ by those idiots. Just like Nanako and Mimiko.

“What do you mean?” He tries to sound curious hiding his disgust underneath the question because he has seen all the gore behind the glory of it all. 

“People say that she is a witch. She kills men and takes their money. She’s got a black cat, a big one. Can talk to birds. I’ve seen her—” Suddenly the street lights, the honking of the cars, and the sound of footsteps of passersby became loud. Geto could not hear her properly anymore. Damn filthy monkeys.

“Excuse me, I’ve got to make a call.” One more minute of her blabbering nonsense he would have killed her. Geto calls Manami stepping aside in the dark shade of the alley. He talks for about five minutes before looking your way. You do not look away, rather give him a warm smile and bow your head to appreciate his kind gesture. He immediately turns around. You think he did not see you or maybe looking at someone else or somewhere else but all he could do is stumble on his words while talking to Manami. It’s distracting. You’re distracting. 

Geto Suguru walks towards the car and you fold Nanako’s legs a little to make space for him but he disappoints you thoroughly. He sits beside the driver, the barrier is up so you can not see his face. Disappointment and hurt sedimenting at the bottom of your heart you arch your head and close your eyes. It feels like, after a long time, you have closed your eyes and not for the pretense of pleasure.

January, 2010.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Geto drawls lazily as he sits on the sofa, still in his kasaya freshly finishing after seeing his visitors. He was out of town for almost a week and hence today's session was longer than usual. He needs a bath, a nice warm bath, not some scum to show up at his doorstep begging for you.

There are a bunch of men standing behind the older man, who seems to be the leader of the group; all armed, and Geto sits alone at the opposite. At times like these, he feels a little closer to the god. A middle-aged man, speaks keeping his gun on the center table, perhaps to assert dominance Geto thinks too but it makes him nothing but widen his smile. “You have something that belongs to me. And I have something that would interest you more so why don't we—”

Splotches of blood fall on his gun, warmth settling on his cheeks too like drops of oil. He turns his head to find that one of his men is sliced into two. Geto clears his throat gaining his attention again. “What a mess you have made, Toshiro-san. ” He gets up from his seat and before leaving he remarks huskily, “Please clean this up before you leave, Toshiro-san” The man, dumbfounded by what just happened, nods in agreement watching the man disappear into the inner quarters.

The dawn dies, painting the blue sky with its blood-red, agony welcoming the full moon and her bevy of stars. At night, Geto Suguru is not a monk anymore. He is much more than that — a father figure to two homeless orphans, an idol to a few who believe in his dream of creating a ‘new world’ and a savior to you.

It has been almost a month since Geto Suguru brought you to his home. At the dawn of the 25th of December 2009, when you woke up, Manami was there to help you with the chores and show you around. You have spotted Negi a few times while roaming and exploring the house, but there was no sign of that man, your so-called ‘savior’. When you asked Manami, she was rather cold while answering, “Geto-sama will be home around New Year's.”

It was not hard to pinpoint her jealousy for you. “Whore”, “Slut”, “Homebreaker”, “Witch” — the list continues. Her jealousy is just the tip of ice-berg. Maybe she had to sacrifice something greater when Geto took her in, something more important than freedom. Apart from her cold demeanor, everything was just fine; it was more than you could ask for. The wounds and bruises have started to fade. They are barely pinnable now. Nanako has a twin sister, Mimiko. They have warmed up to you more quickly than you imagined and a part of you was grateful to them since Manami became humbler in her gestures.

This fine morning, you noticed a new pair of shoes near the doormat. You knew it had to be his, Geto Suguru. He is home. Today might be the first time you get to talk to him, pay off his debts, or maybe keep working while staying here just like he said or whatever he decides to do with you. It was odd that he did not suspect you at all, or maybe he told someone to do a background check. He seems like the kind of person who would hold such powers. You have heard about him even if they reached out to you in the form of rustling rumors.

“Are you comfortable here?” 

Losing your balance you topple on your feet and eventually fall on the ground. Nanako and Mimiko peeks by his legs. They are not even at his knee length, so small, so fragile and so full of life. They laugh and so do you. Geto Suguru is unimpressed. He crouches down pulling the girls in front of him. “Go and play in my room but don’t fight, alright?” The shift in his demeanor amazes you. He has changed. He is nothing like you have been warned about. 

As soon as the twins leave, giggles and voices filling the corridor Geto’s eyes shift on you. You are still on the ground, legs half-folded. He extends his hand towards you to help you get up but you flinch away, sliding against the wall. In the middle of this long corridor, Geto Suguru is on his knees before you watching as if something fell from the sky, a boon, an angel. 

His lips extended from ear to ear, flashing his teeth. “What's up with this coy act of yours?” He wets his bottom lip.“Too timid for a whore. I know you can see things.” Your eyebrows grew closer as you got up and formed a response in your head.

“It's hard to break years of habit,” you speak, “Sir.” you quip, seeing him still on his knees. Why isn’t he standing up? Does he need a hand?

“Not gonna complain that I called you a ‘whore’ ?” He taunts, standing up and facing you.

“Too timid for that sir,” you say keeping up the eye contact. But that does not last long. Geto’s dark globules follow your behind. You notice too that there is a shadow on the wall of the corridor of a lady. He sighs heavily exclaiming, “Manami. You can come out now,” 

Timidly she walks out of the room exclaiming in a firm tone after clearing her throat, “Getou-sama, your bath has been prepared.” 

“Have you prepared my clothes too?” He narrows the gulf in between the two of you and grabs a few strands of your hair smelling it, letting his lips graze over a little, and checking your reactions as Manami answers.

“No. Not yet. I’ll do it right—“Actually, prepare two sets of clothes.” Geto interrupts. The way your chest heaves, up and down, frantically tempts him to tease you more. “Hers too. She will be joining me.” 

Geto was kind not to ask you to strip in front of him. It was not like you would not be used to that; you had practiced enough still you thought his eyes would alone eat you away if you were to undress in front of him. Curling up your braided hair in a bun and securing it with a clip you enter the bathroom. He is already in the bathtub, head arched, eyes closed, chest heaving up and down. You walk slowly trying not to make any sound. “You know, of all the curses I’ve swallowed—” you gasp loudly palming your face. 

“Can you not do that, please? Every time i feel like my heart is gonna jump out of my chest.” So many words in one sentence; a question; a request; a demand; a plea. Suguru blinks: once, twice, and thrice. “Yours have a very distinct sweet smell.” His words slurred, inaudible at the end. This is the first time he has seen you speak so much and that too, only to him but that is not what warms his heart. ‘Sir.’ you did not add sir. He hated the honorifics with you. “And . . . I’m not a curse.” You mutter before dipping yourself in the bathtub sitting against the wall of the bathtub facing him.

You notice the huge X-shaped scar over his chest. “How did you get that?” you ask playing with the water not meeting his eye. His toes touch the side of your hips, hands resting on the white of the bathtub but when he does not answer you look up to him and see his hands near your ankles. There is a brief eye contact of realization about what’s he up to and in the next blink you are close to him.

“Do you wanna feel it?” He asks touching his forehead against yours.

“The pain?” You say, running his hands over his chest careful enough not to touch his nipple. “Or just the scar.” 

“How did you get this?” He rubs the mark of one of your wounds on your arm. “And this?” he asks, a little concerned by the number and place of the wounds you have all over the body. They have faded but not totally. The agony on his face is clear but you remind yourself it is not because of you. It must be because he is reminded of how he got his scar. 

“Mostly clients.” You answer noticing his hands trailing up to your breasts. Your mouth parts, eager moan willing to escape. “But some men like them. Some men don’t. So, they pay to heal them in a way like they were never there,”

“What kind do you think I’m?” Suguru asks but you fail to answer since his hands have started to massage your breasts, nice and slow. Your moans have started to weigh more, the bottom and lower lip parting with each other more. Your vision turns black as his mouth latches on the column of your neck but that is not where it is needed now. Your taut nipples need desperate attention. Moving closer to him, your palm is over his cock. He is hard, leaking even. A gran escapes from his mouth, edgy and elongated. One of his fingers dips inside your vagina. Woah. You’re wet, so very wet. Even under the water, he can feel your arousal, even smell it. You buck your hips a bit giving him an invitation. The sloshing sound of water feels more embarrassing than your moans. He does not take it but when you start to pump his cock in long, deep, and fast strokes he leans towards you taking one of your nipples in his mouth. You should have known how strong he is when he dragged you closer to himself because the way he is sucking and biting you think you will cum soon. He starts to rub your clit in rough, rigorous movements as his mouth works on your nipples. For a moment your hands feel lithe; your hands pause working his cock.

“You smell so good,” He murmurs unlatching his mouth and licking up to your collarbone from the base of your cleavage. You twist and tilt your head as his lips explore your neck while pushing his fingers up and down inside your vagina, nudging your sweet spot. Your hands start to pump his cock again, harder and faster this time, reverting him the favor with the same intensity and emotion. You feel him smirk against your skin before he bites your earlobes making you jolt. Another arm that rested on the valley of your waist tugs you closer, again; you think he is going to pull you onto his lap, fuck you deep, nice, and full. “Fuck” he mutters feeling his cock tense up. The sloshing of water now gets mixed with your loud moans mixed with his low grunts. Geto looks at your face, your eyes meeting his and occasionally landing on his lips and one of your hands gripping too hard on the whites of the bathtub. Both of your hands pick up the pace, matching the intensity and the ragged breathing. Eyes rolling white, jaw clenching hard, head arching back as the wave of orgasm approaches both of you.

“You’re close,” you huff and pant in between feeling his warm ejaculated fluid onto your hand.

“So are you,” he murmurs cumming as you keep pumping his cock till it stops. Geto pulls his fingers out of your messy aching cunt and shamelessly puts them in his mouth, licking and sucking it to the base of his fingers. You watch him as if he is the man to take your first time. The loneliness, the affection, the desire— all hit Suguru in a flash like a downpour as he notices you looking. He gets out of the bathtub and steps into the shower zone. When you hear the water running, you step out of the bathtub too but do not join him in the shower instead grab your phone with a towel that was in the pocket of his previous attire. Typing a number, you hit the send button and immediately delete it from the history.

The message read: [“I’m in.”]

note: special thanks to my dearest fumi aka dom ( @akiniku ) for constantly listening to my ideas, talking me through them, and beta-reading this when I finished it. I finished writing this today and it was so rushed by Dom talked me through it and gave me the course I needed. hope you enjoyed reading it. thank you for making it this far. i do want to continue this but will see if i can manage time to write after october.

also tagging @orchid3a @semisgroupie

[sunnys-out]

Not a Fairy Tale Ending | Ali Krieger x Reader

A/N: Hello! Thanks for the kind messages while I have been away studying for the LSAT. Just also want to say that this is completely fiction and Ali would NEVER act this way. Again requests are closed...thanks for understanding.

From prompt list: 20. "And I… I still love you, even after all of this time".

TW: Emotional manipulation, anxiety/panic attack symptoms, NSFW alluded, no happy ending...well kind of

WC: 2420

My face remained calm as I looked towards the teleprompter and not at the newer pundit on the other side of the table. My knee quietly bounced under the table and did not stop until one of the other pundits leaned over and said “hey, you never get nervous…I get it but you got this like always”. I only nod as my attention does not waver from the teleprompter. 

God, I wish it was nerves…it was more like years and years of emotions physically manifesting themselves. Sadness in my chest, anger in my arms, fear in my legs, and finally yearning in my eyes.

The director behind the camera signals me to start.

“Welcome to Morning Footy here at CBS Sports, where you get all of your football news. If you are new here, My name is (y/n)/(l/n),  former two-time FIFA Women’s World Cup champion with the USWNT, and former midfielder for Arsenal and Wolfsburg”. 

I finish introducing my fellow pundits and then subtly take in a breath before I start, my knee beginning to bounce betraying the calmness in my voice as I begin.

“And today we are introducing our newest pundit for the month, fellow two-time FIFA Women’s World Cup champion, and recently NWSL champion, Ali Krieger” I could not feel my hands as I clapped as I looked over at Ali. The last time I had seen her in person was at my retirement game that we had with Ireland and I could not even remember when that was.

Her smile was cordial and genuine from what I could tell from across the table. 

“Ali, you’ve played with and against (Y/N) before, it must be nice to see a familiar face here huh?” the pundit beside me patted my shoulder, bringing me out of my slight daze.

“She's been an amazing player since the beginning and now a pundit! I tell you she swore up and down that she would do coaching and never be a pundit” she teased as the pundits looked at me as I just shrugged my shoulders.

“The way life works you know” I said sheepishly, my knee not bouncing any slower than it was a minute ago.

Ali continued, “Still I would love to go back and just partner up with her in training again like old times.”

A little laugh escaped me as my fists were clenched underneath the table

 “Sure you would,” I thought to myself.

______________________________________________________________

I had my first cap with the USWNT in the 2007 Algarve Cup in Portugal…fresh out of UNC and was signed by Wolfsburg. I hadn’t had any serious relationships and I was fully out. I think then I was the happiest I had ever been…then I met Ali Krieger. It was from a distance and by that I mean the passing glances and touches from when I would either get a ball from her or she would get the ball away from me. 

She was at Frankfurt and I was at Wolfsburg and we were eventually introduced by our teammates solely on the basis that we were two new Americans in Germany. I remember only bits and pieces from then but I remember that she looked at me with admiration as I already had a couple of caps with the USWNT and that was something she was aiming to do in the next year. I liked the attention that she gave me after that match because it was genuine.

I was called into camp for the Four Nations Tournament in 2008 and for the first time I was not considered a bubble player. I had proven myself worthy enough for a semi-permanent spot on the team and that was truly an honor. Ali also made it to the camp meaning I was no longer the baby of the team. 

We were all gathered around and Rampone started her usual speech before the practice and introduced the new debutants at camp. 

“Ali, you’ve played against (Y/N) before. It must be nice to see a familiar face here huh? You both can pair off since you’re familiar with each other” Rampone patted her shoulder after the talk. 

Ali nodded towards me, “Can I see if anyone else is available, I don’t want to bother (y/n)?” Rampone shook her head.

“She doesn’t bite I promise…right? (y/n) you don’t bite?” She says towards me as I take a drink from my water bottle.

I respond with a confused look towards her, “Uh….no?” and with that Rampone gently pushes Ali towards me.

I toss her her water bottle, “Rampone likes to stick the babies of the group together on the first day of camp, sorry about that” 

Ali sighs, “Nah it’s no problem…just want to get to know more people here…not that you’re not great or sorry… I’m being stupid”

I shake my head, “hey no I get it, I mean it took me a bit to get to know people, but if you can’t find another partner, I’ll still be here to take you so don’t worry”

Ali smiled at me and said thanks before leaving and pairing up with Wambach…I did wish that Wambach turned her down but it’s alright because Ali did come to me after Boxx rejected her partner offer a couple days after.

______________________________________________________________

I was always the backup for Ali, I didn’t mind it…camp was lonely at times and when she would be with me I felt less alone. I let myself be there for her when she was sad, lonely, angry at the world, but she never did so for me…I didn’t realize that until much much later.

“So, as former national teammates y’all were close right? How was (Y/N)? Any dirty secrets you can spill?” the pundit beside me joked as he elbowed me once again. I only, playfully, roll my eyes at him as Ali answers the question. 

I did not look at Ali as she said the following, my refusal to look at her could easily be interpreted as shyness or not being able to take praise.

“Oh (y/n), she was such a great player both on and off the pitch. She was always there for me especially when there was nowhere else to go. I was so glad to have been able to celebrate with her at her last game ever. She means a lot to so many people…(y/n) you mean a lot to me especially”

I did not feel my body at that moment as I slowly breathed in her words, my body now felt like I was in the middle of the ocean and I did not feel the bottom. 

______________________________________________________________

I don’t know why it always happened while we were with the USWNT…club was when I had some reprieve from Ali but I also missed her…it was such a double-edged sword. She was a drug and I was addicted to her.

We were called up for the 2011 World Cup in Germany. I remember Ali talking to me sharing that she was talking to this other footballer during the camps leading up to the World Cup. 

 I did my best to hide the jealousy I held when she spoke about the player with such admiration…I was just there to hold all her love for another…and then be there to hold the pain when caused by another…

I heard a small knock on the door of my hotel room, I looked up from my book and looked at the clock, 8:42 PM…

“Tobs? Don’t tell me you lost your key card again?” I call out but get no immediate answer.

A small recognizable “It’s me” sounded through the door. Tossing my book onto my bed and opening the door to only be engulfed in a hug by Ali was what I distinctly remember.

Her tears wetting my old UNC shirt as I immediately pulled her in, “Hey, Hey, hey…what’s wrong?” My hand gently rubbed her back as she continued sobbing into my chest. 

“She broke up with me” came out muffled as I felt her fist gripping at my old shirt leaving it wrinkled when she finally let go.

I did not say anything and just led her to sit at my bed while I stayed crouched in front of her.

“Ali, I'm so sorry, you really did not deserve that, honestly. Who in their right mind would think to do that while you're in a tournament… ” I say softly as I grab her hands and warming them in my own. 

Ali looked at me, tears streaming down her face, “I thought I meant a lot to her you know…like you have always been there for me and I thought she would too but she left me”.

My body moved on it own as I engulfed her in a hug and saying, “I will never let you go, you mean a lot to me and you will find someone who will also show that”

My memory becomes unclear because when I pulled away she had my face in her hands as she brought me into a kiss. I had dreamed of that moment for so long and it was happening. My thoughts at that moment were that she had chosen me…she chose me…

A quick call to Tobin to let me have the room for the night and everything seemed to be my fairy tale ending as soon as she kissed me again and saying “ (y/n) you mean a lot to me especially”

She would come to me the next morning before the Brazil/US match to say that she made a mistake and that she hopes that I can just forget about it and that we can still remain friends. I nodded and saw her walk off to eat with some other players while I elected to go back to my room saying I needed to call home…my eyes burned as the tears filled my eyes once I was out of sight.

We won that game…but I agree with the critics…it was my worst performance of my career…so much so that I was subbed off at the 70’ minute.

I got so much backlash from the media for my “attitude and lack of decorum” when I was seen kicking my seat before sitting down at the bench…I was frustrated, angry, and sad…not because of my poor play but because of how much Ali had affected me. 

She did not see the look I shot her when she turned away from me after patting me on the back after the game going , “Hey we all have bad games, don’t think about it too much”.

______________________________________________________________

I quickly turned away playing the shy card as best as I could.

“Nah, don’t say that…we were all like family on that team…I’m not special” I say with such a fakeness that it actually made me feel ill.

The director finally signaled the end of the segment to break for a short snack and conversation. Normally, I would stay at the table and eat my blueberry Costco muffin while chatting about the Premier League with my fellow pundits…but I wanted to leave immediately and hide in my shared dressing room…

I got up from my seat at the table and before I could get 10 steps away from the set, Ali called my name. Before, hearing her say my name would make my legs buckle beneath me but now it made me want to walk away from her faster. I didn't. It seemed that my feet were frozen to the ground. 

She caught up to me and grabbed me by that arm leading me away even before asking. 

“Can we talk privately?” 

I sigh, as I lead her to my shared dressing room and lock the door behind us. 

Words of encouragement flooded my head as I finally turned around and with as much confidence I could muster.

“What did you want to talk about?” I say as I cross the room and sit down at the nearest chair in the room.

Ali, wrung her hands, “I just wanted to talk…the whole thing with Ashlyn has been hard and it made me realize how much I missed you…how you used to always care for me and life has been busy so we never really talked much since you retired…I just wanted to see if we could possibly try this again?”

She got closer to me and I immediately stood up which caused her to reach out to grab my hands.

I found myself back in that hotel room, back to teary eyed Ali Krieger begging for my comfort…knowing that I’d crumble and give in…

“Stop” my voice firm as I moved my hands away from her…

I step back and tried to keep my voice from cracking as she looked at me confused,

“Ali…I can’t…I don’t want to do this again…I was never your first choice always a back up until you found someone…” She steps forward trying to interrupt me and grabbing my hands again but I move away.

“Ali…no” my voice finally breaks…

“I loved you Ali…since we first met…And I… I still love you, even after all of this time but I can’t do this anymore”. 

She remains frozen as I continue, “You can’t just come to me after your heart is shattered expecting me to be there for you…expecting me to just give in and kiss you and so you can have a temporary happily ever after…this is not a fairy tale ending Ali…I don’t want to do this again”.

I grab something in the room to give reason to me being in here and get to the door, “I’m not changing my mind…I deserve to get the same love that I gave you for years…it just will never be with you…I’ll see you back at the table”.

Ali stayed behind…she returned minutes later…we never spoke about it or to each other again…the cordial smiles and banters on the camera that month would be the last time I ever spoke to Ali Krieger…and, for a moment, after her time as a pundit ended I felt that same feeling of freedom when I left UNC…before meeting Ali…and no one outside of us two, the public, my fellow pundits, the fans were none the wiser. 

Well until I told my, now, wife about it…because she became the true fairy tale ending to my story as we kissed at the altar and that’s all that really matters now.

[divine-donna]

burnt out passions

because i watched the red shoes and this idea just popped into my head.

tashi duncan they can never make me hate you. i am a tashi duncan defender until i die. (sorry art)

character: tashi duncan

context: stanford. 2007 - 2008.

you and tashi understood one thing: passion was everything.

your lives revolved around your passions. for her, it was the sport of tennis. and for you, it was the dance of ballet.

your step-father was quite rich, bringing you and your parental figure out of poverty. it was through him that you started going to tennis matches. and you were a fan of tashi duncan.

she was meant to be a star. she was meant to go far. she was meant to have that grand slam career title that most, if not all, tennis players envied.

you always admired her from afar. but when you walked into class on your first day of class in your freshman year, you were not expecting to see tashi duncan.

the class was your typical writing 101 class, the kind that was meant to prepare students on research and how to write. within the class were workshops. after all, part of making a good essay was to proofread and have everything peer reviewed.

"you have a great voice."

your paper was dumped in front of you. there were barely any corrections on it. just a lot of underlining and side notes. looking up, you saw the woman that was tashi duncan.

"thanks." you hand her paper over to her.

tashi flips through it. she sees a lot of doodles on her paper that express your annotations through speech and thought bubbles.

"i also thought your voice was great. your passion for tennis really comes through. although i think having seen you play enhanced the reading experience."

"so...you've seen me play?" she crosses her arms over her chest.

"my step-father loves tennis."

"fun. i learned some new things in your paper. you really like ballet?"

"ideally i'd like to be professional. but who knows how stable that is." in comparison to being a famous tennis player. "which is why i'm here. to get a degree in...something."

tashi glances down. you're wearing red shoes. "so...do you wear red because of the movie you mentioned?"

"maybe. it's been a thing since i was a kid."

a small smile begins to curl on her face. "you wanna get lunch?"

"so you do ballet? do your feet ever hurt?"

"all the time." your feet hurt just thinking about dancing again. "i can't imagine my life without ballet."

"i can relate to that." she lifts her cup up and you gently tap your own against hers.

"you should come to the show. we're having one near the end of the semester."

"so soon? we just got here."

"i need to train. keep my muscles flexible and ready."

"you should try tennis. you might actually be really good at it." ballet took a ton of control and coordination. tennis would be a perfect sport for you. or, at least, a decent fit.

"i tried. i'm terrible at hitting balls with a racket."

"who said you had to be good?"

"i would like to think that if i'm playing with tashi duncan...at least i should be mediocre."

you became one of tashi's favorite people to hang out with. and you were also her favorite gym partner. your schedules just lined up perfectly.

every time you guys went to work out, you would lead the stretches beforehand.

sometimes, you guys would visit the dance studio and you would teach her some basic moves. when your finger tips grazed her arm, she would shudder. you were careful when touching her and asked her all the time if you could hold her waist.

"you don't need to ask (y/n)! we're friends." tashi has that soft look in her eyes. she always looked at you with those eyes.

"still!" you say. "don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"you won't! you could never."

you took a deep breath when she said that, trying to ignore the heat beginning to swirl in your body. your body so close to hers. her smile. her smooth skin. her voice. and her smelled.

she always smelled divine.

tashi never knew ballet could be so intense.

she came with art to the show, holding a bouquet of flowers. you had been working hard and she wanted to make sure your efforts were acknowledged and received by her.

you moved with such precision and fluidity. she swore you turned into a blur.

your body was nimble. and that outfit...well, she could see your body. she had a boyfriend. but you were right there and a lot more present than patrick, who was currently on tour.

she has to push the thoughts aside, not noticing the fact that art sees the way she looks at you.

"you were fucking amazing!"

you were surprised when you feel just how hard she hugs you. she squeezes almost a little too tight.

and yet, you accept it. you lean into it and savor her touch.

"thanks for coming tashi. i saw you in the crowd."

finally, tashi lets you go. she takes the flowers from art. you could feel your face heat up. "t-tashi...you didn't have to."

"nonsense!" she playfully hits your arm. "you worked hard. remember that breakdown you had?" a small laugh leaves you when thinking about it.

it happened at the dance studio in the gym. you guys were stretching and all the emotions from midterms, finals projects, and your upcoming lead role came crashing down.

"you deserve it. you were amazing. if you're not hired when you get out of college..." she shakes her head. but she cannot stop grinning.

you bought flowers for tashi. it was the first game of the season. her and art have been training for this. and you were excited to see her play not as a spectator, but as her friend!

earlier during the week, you had convened with art to try to pick out which bought to get her and exactly how big.

when you got there though, it was just art. you were expecting to see another white boy. and you sit on art's right. "so...what happened to patrick?"

you wanted to see for yourself who tashi duncan's boyfriend was. who exactly managed to bag tashi duncan? you wanted to meet him. not that you were jealous...

but you were.

art leans back in the seat. "he's not coming. him and tashi had a fight."

you frown and continue holding the flowers. "...he sounds like an ass."

"tell me about it."

when tashi tore her acl on the court, you swore you could feel the pain in your own leg. a sort of phantom feeling.

you were frozen, trying to determine if what you saw truly happened.

art was quicker than you, rushing down and even jumping over the net.

you're walking to the infirmary room when you can hear the argument.

"out! out!"

"listen-" says the guy with messy dark hair. he looks disheveled. and like shit.

"patrick get the fuck out of here!"

you've never heard art yell. ever. he never even raised his voice.

patrick seems defeated and he abides by them, leaving. his eyes meet yours. "nice flowers." he notices the card attached to a string.

For the best tennis player I know: TASHI ♡

"have fun. now's your chance too. but you should know. art's restless."

you clench your jaw and walk past him. art was right. he was an ass.

tashi glances at the door when your head pops in. she doesn't say anything, but her shoulders slouch a little bit. you take it as a sign to come in and walk over to her side.

she looks at the flowers and at the card attached to the string. "i don't deserve those."

"if anyone deserves flowers...it's you." you could feel your eyes tearing up. you feel her pain. you understand her frustration. and most importantly, you feel her devastation.

tashi takes the flowers from your hands, her fingers touching your own. she takes a deep breath and inhales their scent. it was nice. you chose a good bouquet.

little did you know that it was the death of her career. and you had brought flowers to her funeral.

your next role was a challenging one. it had you straining your legs every day while you trained, trying to get your tempo right. nothing seemed to work though.

the stress of midterms also didn't help. you had a lot of work on your plate. many papers, almost too many exams. you didn't sleep much. you couldn't sleep.

tashi felt some guilt towards you helping her. you were taking time out of your own day to get her back into shape.

you were her cheerleader. you believed that she could heal and return to the court. you helped her with her exercises, woke up early to go to her room and help her stretch.

her frustration continued to boil over when she couldn't do the things she wanted to do.

not only was she a failure, but she was also letting you down.

"are you disappointed in me?"

you look at her as you stretch her leg for her. it was bent beneath you and you're careful when adding the pressure. she's staring up at the ceiling.

it was still dark outside.

"i could never be disappointed in you."

"don't bullshit me (y/n)."

"i mean it tashi. i could never be disappointed in you." she looks at you. there are tears threatening to spill.

"...i'm afraid my only skill is hitting a ball with a racket." and that without it, she was nothing. you didn't need her to voice it. you could see it in her eyes, in her posture, in her demeanor.

"no. it is not. you're tashi motherfucking duncan. you're smart, you're gorgeous, and you're ambitious. you can write! you're great at organizing! you give awesome advice! and most importantly, you get shit done. if anything tries to stop you, you find a way around it. and you see to it that you have a way to participate."

her heart skips a beat.

"you're kissing my ass." a smile cracks on her face.

you wanted to tell her that you loved her. it threatened to spill from your tongue.

"i would love to."

tashi laughs, covering her face with her hands. she takes the opportunity to wipe away her tears as you pull her leg back into a resting position.

"today's dress rehearsal, right?" she sits up as you stand and grab some of the bottles of gatorade you put in her fridge to keep cold.

"yeah. you don't have to come if you're not up for it."

tashi gently rubs her knee before looking up at you. "i could use the time to rest."

"is art coming?"

tashi purses her lips. "art and i...aren't really talking anymore..."

you frown. "i'm sorry to hear that." you decide not to ask or push it. but part of you felt elated that he was gone. it always felt like a crowd with you and tashi. and art.

while working out and practicing earlier, you decided to ignore the throbbing pain in your hip. when tashi asks if you want to come with her for a break, you tell her that you wanted to keep training. you were close to nailing it.

you were perhaps overconfident when it came time to dress rehearsal.

at the climax of the shower, the music surging, your heart beating, your costume flaring out, you hear a loud pop. and when you land, you hear another pop.

it seemed that fate decided to fuck with you that night.

the pain in your right side was nearly unbearable.

tashi recognized that cry of pain. she heard it when she went to bed, when she reflected upon her life at night. she rises out of her seat, getting over to the stage as fast as possible.

you overexerted yourself, tearing your achilles and your labrum. at the very least, it would take you out of your role currently. at the worst, it would inhibit your movements for the rest of your life.

tashi was with you the whole time. you could only stare blankly at the x-rays.

without knowing, you're leaning towards her. until your head is against her body. she puts an arm around you, keeping you close in silent understanding.

you heard a knock at your door. ever since your injury, you had barely come out of your room, only for class and to eat to spend your dining dollars.

you groan, sitting up and carefully getting off the bed. you use your crutches and open the door. "tashi...it's late..."

tashi holds a bag of snacks and drinks. "you look like shit."

"that's because i feel like shit."

you guys were kind of matching. her in her brace and you in your splint.

you move aside to let her in and she closes the door for you. "i bought all your favorites." she says, putting the drinks into the fridge to keep them cold. she sets the bag of snacks down on your desk.

tashi watches you go back to your bed and set your crutches aside. you try your best to get onto the bed using your upper body strength, but your arms were failing you.

she walks over and gently lifts you up at your thighs while you push yourself up with your arms. it works, and you're able to sit on the mattress topped by a mattress topper.

"can't even...get on my fucking bed!" you grit your teeth. and you didn't have the strength to adjust the height of your bed either.

tashi frowns. "there's no shame in needing help." you showed her that.

"i know. i just..." you lick your lips, looking at her. "i wish i took that break. i wouldn't be in this position if i did." you sniffle.

tashi's eyes glance down at your lips before going back up. "i spend too much time worrying about the what ifs."

"i shouldn't. it's...stupid."

there's a comfortable silence between the two of you. you look at tashi. the way her hair frames her face. her big brown eyes. her lips that you desperately wanted to taste. she was still gorgeous even dressed down in her stanford sweater and athletic shorts.

she leans forward, her kiss soft and gentle.

your hand goes to rest on her neck, kissing her back.

tashi kisses you harder, her mouth moving in hungry motions. you match her pace, kissing her with just as much hunger.

you let her push you down onto the mattress so she could be on top. her hands begin to trail down your body, finding the end of your sweater. she slides her hand beneath, feeling your cool skin.

you pull away, your breathing heavy. "are you sure?" you didn't understand why tashi duncan would want to kiss you of all people. even if you wanted to kiss her.

"i'm sure." she kisses you again and you moan against her lips, letting her tongue slide past your lips and dance with your tongue.

[milligramspoison]

Updated list of potential FOB 8 ball songs

(An update to this post as the European leg starts tomorrow and some songs on the list made it as 8 ball songs as well as fixing any mistakes the previous post had!)

Evening Out With Your Girlfriend

Honorable Mention - last performed on January 22nd, 2007

Switchblades and Infidelity - last performed on August 28th, 2004

Pretty In Punk - has never been performed live (yet)

Growing Up - last performed on November 7th, 2008

The World's Not Waiting (For Five Tired Boys In A Broken Down Van) - has never been performed live (yet)

Short, Fast, and Loud - has never been performed live (yet)

Moving Pictures - last performed on November 23rd, 2005

Parker Lewis Can't Lose (But I'm Gonna Give It My Best Shot) - has never been performed live (yet)

Take This To Your Grave

Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of Things to Do Today - last performed on July 24th, 2023

Homesick at Space Camp - last performed on July 16th, 2023

Sending Postcards From a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here) - had its only live performance ever on March 12th, 2004

The Pros and Cons of Breathing - had its only live performance ever on November 19th, 2007

Grenade Jumper - last performed on February 20th, 2009

Reinventing the Wheel to Run Myself Over - last performed on November 19th, 2007

The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes - last performed on July 5th, 2023

My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to My Tongue

My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon - has never been performed live (yet)

It's Not a Side Effect of the Cocaine, I Think It Must Be Love - has never been performed live (yet)

Love Will Tear Us Apart (cover) - had its only live performance ever on June 10th, 2004

From Under The Cork Tree

Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued - was the 8 ball on November 4th, 2023- its first performance since March 23rd, 2008!!

Of All the Gin Joints in All the World - last performed on June 23rd, 2023

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner - last performed on July 19th, 2023

I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) - last performed on August 6th, 2023

7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen) - last performed on August 1st, 2023

Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year - was the 8 ball on October 25th, 2023 and December 9th, 2023!

Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends - has never been performed live (yet)

I Slept With Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me - last performed on July 11th, 2023

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying (Do Your Part to Save the Scene and Stop Going to Shows) - last performed on August 4th, 2023

XO - was the 8 ball on November 8th, 2023 and December 12th, 2023!

Snitches and Talkers Get Stitches and Walkers - last performed on January 30th, 2007

The Music or the Misery - last performed on May 30th, 2006

Infinity On High

Thriller - was the 8 ball on November 6th, 2023!

“The Take Over, the Breaks Over” - last performed on August 4th, 2023

Don't You Know Who I Think I Am? - was the 8 ball on October 27th, 2023!

The (After) Life of the Party - was the 8 ball on October 29th, 2023 and on December 1st, 2023!

The Carpal Tunnel of Love - last performed on April 4th, 2008

Bang The Doldrums - was the 8 ball on October 17th, 2023!

Fame < Infamy - was the 8 ball on November 7th, 2023, it’s second performance ever!!!

You're Crashing, but You're No Wave - was the 8 ball on October 31st, 2023, its second performance ever!!

G.I.N.A.S.F.S. - was the 8 ball on October 18th, 2023 and on November 8th, 2023!

It's Hard to Say “I Do”, When I Don't - has never been performed live (yet)

Folie à Deux

I Don’t Care - last performed on September 7th, 2023

She’s My Winona - last performed on July 19th, 2023

America's Suitehearts - last performed on July 2nd, 2023

The (Shipped Gold Standard) - was the 8 ball on November 2nd, 2023, it’s first performance ever and marks the fact they’ve performed every Folie song now!!

(Coffee’s for Closers) - last performed on July 1st, 2023

27 - was the 8 ball on October 24th, 2023!

Tiffany Blews - last performed on September 19th, 2009

w.a.m.s. - had its only live performance ever on August 2nd, 2023

20 Dollar Nose Bleed - last performed on September 29th, 2013

West Coast Smoker - had its only live performance ever on July 30th, 2023

Pavlove - had its only live performance ever on August 6th, 2023

Lullabye - last performed on April 26th, 2009

Believers Never Die: Greatest Hits

Alpha Dog - has never been performed live (yet)

“From Now On, We Are Enemies” - had its only live performance ever on July 26th, 2023

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out - had its first performance since December 18th, 2013 on December 12th, 2023 and it was for medley! Wasn’t even 8 ball!

Save Rock and Roll

Alone Together - last performed on November 17th, 2017

Where Did The Party Go - last performed on July 16th, 2023

Just One Yesterday - last performed on August 1st, 2023

The Mighty Fall - has never been performed live (yet)

Miss Missing You - last performed on July 25th, 2023

Death Valley - last performed on September 12th, 2014

Young Volcanoes - was the 8 ball on October 28th, 2023, its first performance since May 7th, 2018! And it was the 8 ball again on November 2nd, 2023 and December 3rd, 2023!

Rat a Tat - has never been performed live (yet)

PAX•AM Days

We Were Doomed from the Start (The King Is Dead) - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Art of Keeping Up Disappearances - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Hot to the Touch, Cold On the Inside - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Love, Sex, Death - last performed on June 14th, 2014

Eternal Summer - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Demigods - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

American Made - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

Caffeine Cold - had its only live performance ever on November 29th, 2013

New Dreams (cover) - had its only live performance ever on September 13th, 2013

American Beauty/American Psycho

Irresistible - last performed on March 7th, 2023

American Beauty/American Psycho - was the 8 ball on November 3rd, 2023, it’s first performance on Tourdust!!

The Kids Aren’t Alright - was the 8 ball on October 23rd, 2023 and December 6th, 2023!

Jet Pack Blues - last performed on August 6th, 2023

Novocaine - last performed on March 27th, 2017

Fourth Of July - last performed on March 22nd, 2017

Favorite Record - had its only live performance ever on July 15th, 2023

Immortals - last performed on September 7th, 2023

Twin Skeleton’s (Hotel In NYC) - has never been performed live (yet)

Mania

Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea - last performed on August 18th, 2019

The Last Of The Real Ones - last performed on July 29th, 2023

HOLD ME TIGHT OR DON’T - last performed on May 7th, 2018

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) - last performed on November 4th, 2018

Church - last performed on April 30th, 2018

Heaven’s Gate - has never been performed live (yet)

Champion - last performed on December 6th, 2019

Sunshine Riptide - has never been performed live (yet)

Young and Menace - last performed on October 10th, 2018

Bishops Knife Trick - has never been performed live (yet)

LLAMANIA

Past Life - has never been performed live (yet)

Footprints in the Snow - has never been performed live (yet)

Wrong Side of Paradise - has never been performed live (yet)

Lake Effect Kid

Lake Effect Kid - last performed on October 10th, 2018

City In A Garden - has never been performed live (yet)

Super Fade - has never been performed live (yet)

Believers Never Die, Volume Two - Greatest Hits

Dear Future Self (Hands Up) - last performed on December 6th, 2019

Bob Dylan - had its only live performance ever on August 5th, 2023

So Much (For) Stardust

Heartbreak Feels So Good - last performed March 16th, 2023

So Good Right Now - has never been performed live (yet)

I Am My Own Muse - was the 8 ball on October 20th, 2023!

Flu Game - has never been performed live (yet)

The Kintsugi Kid (Ten Years) - was the 8 ball on October 21st, 2023, it’s second performance ever!!

What a Time To Be Alive - was the 8 ball on November 3rd, 2023- it was played in full for the first time!!

So Much (For) Stardust - performed for the first time ever on November 2nd, 2023- it wasn’t even the 8 ball!

(Disclaimer: I included songs that have already been 8 balls as some have been performed as a 8 ball again and have been performed outside of the 8 ball range)

[critter-catcher]

Let's talk about gay penguins for the next day of pride month!

I think most people know at this point that penguins are known to be gay, and even lesbian! But what most people don't know is that they've been seen to engage in homosexual behavior since at least as early as 1911!

See a scientist, George Murray Levick, documented the behaviour in Adélie penguins at Cape Adare, but described it as "depraved". He decided it was too shocking for public release so he hid it. The only copies that were made available privately to researchers had the English text partly written in Greek letters, to prevent this knowledge becoming more widely known. The report was unearthed a century later, in June 2012 and was finally published.

(X)

Unfortunately that's not the last time gay penguins would cause an uproar.

There have been a lot of homosexual behavior seen in penguins in captivity, including Roy and Silo, two male chinstrap penguins in New York City's Central Park Zoo. They were noted by staff at the zoo in 1998 to be performing mating rituals, and one of them in 1999 attempted to hatch a rock as if it were an egg. Zoo keepers decided to give them an egg from a pair of penguins, which could not hatch it. Roy and Silo spent two and a half months raising the healthy young chick, a female named Tango. When she reached breeding age, Tango paired with another female penguin named Tanuzi!

(X)

Now for the "controversy".

And Tango Makes Three is a children's book published in 2005, telling the story of Roy and Silo. There was a lot of support, but there was even more backlash. Despite having ten awards and two nominations, it appeared on the American Library Association’s top ten banned books, banned in 2023, 2020, 2017, 2014, 2012, 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, and firstly in 2006, just a year after it was published.

(X)

Alright, enough sad stuff, lets talk happy.

Here's the thing, penguins often lay more than one egg, though usually only one chick will survive. In captivity same sex penguins will adopt (or steal) extra eggs to incubate and raise the chicks! It's likely this happens in the wild, though it’s harder to say. Visibly, male and female penguins tend to only differ in size, and not by much. On top of that, they act very similar, particularly in terms of reproduction. Both males and females invest pretty equally in raising their chicks. That means it’s difficult to tell male and female penguins apart and even more difficult to identify any wild mating pairs as homosexual.

There have been many records of captive same sex penguins, and, there's even what could be considered a non-binary, or genderless, penguin.

In 2019, mothers Rocky and Marama hatched a chick together at sea Life Aquarium in London. This chick caused further controversy after the aquarium announced that it would not be assigning the chick a gender. The chick is identified with a gender-neutral purple tag rather than the usual gendered name and color coded tag. Beyond that, the penguin’s life will be the same as any other penguin at the Aquarium. They say that Gender means nothing to penguins, so why have we continuously assigned it to them? The General Manager of the aquarium comments that the decision to raise a genderless penguin is following an increase in conversations around human gender neutrality.

(X)

[lesbianmarrow]

please feel free to ignore this, but i was wondering if you have any recs for where to start with comics for laura/x-23? i've been an x men cartoon fan since like birth and i've never ventured into comics but i wanna do it for her since she's my favourite character and she's in so little of the screen adaptations. i've looked up reading lists for her appearances but i wanna know from someone with certified good taste if there's anything i should read first (or avoid entirely). thank you!! i hope you're having a good day <3

ahhh i'm so glad you came to me with this question! i love laura kinney and if you've never really read comics she's a good character to follow because a lot of her comics are really her solo adventures and you don't need to know too much about the wider marvel universe to understand.

here's the reading list i would recommend:

x-23: innocence lost (2005) - this is a 6 issue miniseries exploring laura's backstory and traumatic childhood in the facility. it's a grim read but one of my all time favorite marvel comics stories and absolutely fundamental to understanding laura's character. it's written by craig kyle and christopher yost, who were writers on xmen evolution and co-created laura for the cartoon. they were defining writers for her in the comics too.

x-23: target x (2007) - a 6 issue miniseries that is a sequel to innocence lost. it shows what laura gets up to after escaping the facility. not as good as x-23: innocence lost but also very important for defining laura's character. also by kyle & yost.

captain universe/x-23 (2006) - kind of an odd little one-shot in which laura gets possessed by a cosmic force, but it gets called back to in marjorie liu's x-23 run in a lovely way, so it's worth reading!

new x-men: academy x - this was a series about the teen students at the xmen academy. it wasn't doing so well so marvel brought kyle & yost on as writers to give the series a new direction, and they introduced laura into the cast and made her the central character. their run starts with issue #20, and you can pretty easily jump into it there without having read the previous issues. this series shows how laura relates to other mutant kids her age and sees her struggling to fit in. if you liked xmen evolution, you'll probably enjoy this series (though it can get grimdark at times).

x-force (2008) - another kyle & yost production! this is the ultra grimdark xmen murder squad. it's a team book, so it's not all about laura, but this series is really important to understanding how laura views herself and how the adults in her life have often failed her. still, if you're not enjoying it, you can probably bail after the first 6 or so issues. kyle & yost can have a problem of constantly putting female characters through gratuitous violence and suffering, and that's turned up to the max here.

x-23 (2010) one-shot - this is a one-shot written by marjorie liu that serves as a prologue to her x-23 solo series. it's beautiful and horrifying and is a great introduction to the work liu will continue to do with laura.

x-23 (2010) series - finally, laura gets a solo series written by a woman! this series by marjorie liu is a must-read. the character work is absolutely incredible, and there are plenty of wacky adventures. includes some of my favorite comic book scenes of all time. i should note that there's a crossover partway through with the series dark wolverine, which liu was also working on at the time.

.......and then comes the dark ages. laura is in a number of other comics in the 2010s - avengers academy, avengers arena, all-new xmen, wolverines - but i would say they're not really worth reading if you're approaching them for laura content. you can check them out if you're interested, but don't expect too much.

all-new wolverine (2016) - laura takes up the mantle of wolverine after logan's death! there's a lot in this series i feel iffy about, but for better or for worse, this version of laura has really stuck. it's a pretty readable series, but if you find yourself not enjoying it, i would say just read the first arc (issues #1-6) and the third arc (issues #13-18). in the first arc she meets her clone sister gabby, and in the third arc she has to deal with an old enemy.

x-23 (2018) - this is mariko tamaki's run! another woman writer yay :) this series is way underrated and i love it, especially the first 5 issues. it's a follow up to all-new wolverine, and it builds on the aspects of that series that i really enjoyed while avoiding the problems it had that irritated me about it. if you care at all about sibling relationships, this one will get you right in the heart.

and then comes the krakoa era! laura has a story in x-men (2019) #5 and then #18-19 that's pretty cool albeit kind of confusing in a sci-fi way. i know laura is a member of the xmen in x-men (2021) but i haven't read it so i can't tell you much about it! i looooove the miniseries x-terminators (2022) which she stars in but it's pretty inconsequential, it's just her and her gal pals having a wacky vampire adventure, so up to you if you wanna read it!

stories to avoid:

nyx (2004) - okay so really there's just one story you MUST avoid and that story is nyx. this story is technically laura's first comic book appearance but it sucks so much. all you need to know is that it establishes that laura was manipulated into underage sex work sometime after the events of x-23: target x and then escaped. while this aspect of her past is relevant to her character and gets alluded to in liu's run, the depiction of it here is horrible and you absolutely do not need to subject yourself to it!

uncanny x-men #450-460 - this series sees laura briefly join the x-men and i'm not really sure where it's supposed to fit in continuity? plus she's kind of out of character? it's confusing and not really important so i would recommend skipping it.

fallen angels (2019) - this miniseries was the first place laura showed up during the krakoa era and it just isn't very good so you don't have to read it!

i haven't said much about the art but i also should mention that some of the art in stories where she's a teen can be kind of sexualizing and uncomfortable to see - x-23: target x puts her in risque goth outfits and new x-men: academy x often has artists who like drawing teen girl characters with ridiculous balloon boobs. but once you get to 2010 or so the artists mostly stop doing that thankfully. i also ought to warn you that laura's stories tend to deal with heavy themes, such as abuse, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and human trafficking. loss of agency is a big theme for laura and with that comes some heavy stuff! but i still think most of her stories are worth reading. she's a compelling hero and i love her <3 <3 <3

i hope this is helpful! let me know if you need any help or clarification :) have fun reading about laura!!!!!!

[iantos-coffeemachine]

read the torchwood archives book today, and felt like sharing some things because this book gave me a headache (ft the ages of tw3 members and when they allegedly got recruited. "allegedly" because the consistency is bar to none and must be taken with a very large grain of salt).

tldr: information is very inconsistent and i would trust information given in the show more than from this book about timelines any day. i apologise in advance if none of this makes any sense lol

explanation under the cut cause this turned out to be much longer than i thought it would be lmaooo

reblogs always appreciated, helps the post circulate 🫶

these are all documents in the torchwood archives book where it says each member's date of birth (among other info) where it does state clearly that ianto is the youngest (1983) but what i Wasn't aware of was that owen was born only a year (+ 6months) before him

here is also a note from the margin on owen's page

now this is where it gets confusing. because s1 came out in late 2006-early 2007, i assumed that that would be more or less when they were set (me when im Wrong). s1e10 (out of time) is very clearly set during/around christmas, despite coming out before christmas, and e11 coming out on christmas eve, which obviously throws the timeline off. we know s1 of tw occurs sometime during 2007 before doctor who s3e10/11 (when jack runs off to the tardis and briefly comes back to the main series), so that matches up with the dates written in the margin of the document page.

in s2e12 (fragments), it says that by that point ianto had been working for tw3 for 21 months (or it had at least been 21 months since the first time he met jack, but i feel like its safe to assume those two didn't happen that far apart), and if that happened in early 2007, it would mean that the end of s2 would be set sometime in late 2008-early 2009 which also matches up with when doctor who s4 was set, when again jack leaves and goes to the doctor (we know this is after the end of tw s2 because the only people in the hub are jack, gwen, and ianto, therefore happened after owen and tosh's deaths. also other pretty obvious things im almost definately forgetting about).

anyways all that to say that during owen's fragment (ha) of fragments, it says he met jack 4 years before late 2008/9ish, and then had spent "months" looking for jack which would set katie's death at around 2004/5, and his torchwood recruitment at mid-late 2005 but. that doesn't make any sense if in the note in the margin it says 2006.

yk what Also doesn't make any sense? tosh apparently joining tw3 in 2005 (and other things mentioned in the tw archives). because we know fragments was set in 2009 at the latest, where it states that tosh got arrested by UNIT 5 years prior, which would mean at the latest in early 2004, which again contradicts the tw archives.

tosh apparently got arrested by UNIT in early 2005ish, which would make it a year later than possible if fragments is in fact set in 2008/9 and her arrest happened 5 years before it. her being held in UNIT makes this worse cause it would mean she joined tw3 somewhere in mid-late 2005, which makes sense with the dates given in only the book, but with nothing else outside it, since the latest it could possibly be if we followed the show would be 2004.

because of the inconsistencies of recruitment dates (and birthdays of everyone apart from ianto and suzie, but i will Not be getting into that rn), it's pretty difficult to put exact dates on recruitment, but what i've generally managed to gather according to information from the book (and other snippets of lore i can remember off the top of my head) is:

owen: joined tw3 2005 or 2006, making him around 23yrs old when recruited, but is stated to have been born in 1980 in s2e13 (exit wounds) so possibly 25/26.

tosh: joined tw3 either in 2004, or 2005, making her around 28-30yrs old, but stated to have been born in 1981 in exit wounds, so possibly 24-25.

suzie: joined tw3 anywhere between 2000-2005, making her 27-32yrs old at recruitment.

gwen: joined late 2007, making her 29yrs old.

ianto: joined tw3 early 2007, making him 23yrs at time of recruitment, would've turned 24 that same year though.

edit: ianto joined tw1 as a junior researcher in 2005, which would make him 21-22yrs old at the time.

in conclusion: the book seems pretty inconsistent with information. birthdays, recruitment days, loads of other things are off, so despite having spend almost a whole day compiling information for this post from this book, i don't think it's a very trustworthy source for timeline stuff (or much else really). i don't think the writers really bothered with making the timeline consistent and accurate because, let's face it, most fans probably don't care enough to make a complete and accurate timeline down to months and years for a spin-off show from the mid-late 2000's. if you're still reading this, you deserve financial compensation. won't be the one providing it though.

[reminiscingtonight]

Steady Love (Pt. 2)

Christen Press x Reader

Word Count: 6k

A/N: inspired by Taylor Swift’s ‘Maroon,’ but without the angst part ofc

Part One

[Masterlist]

2007-2009~

The first time you meet Christen, you’re pretty sure you’re going to die. Paired up on opposite teams for the 4 v. 4, you’ve run yourself ragged trying to keep up with the speedy forward. 

By the end of the first practice, you can’t feel your legs. 

A pair of black cleats come to a stop in front of you, and you squint up to see the most dazzling pair of green eyes ever. They’re accompanied by a shy smile and an even shier voice asking if you wanted to run a few more drills with her.

You don’t have the heart to turn her away and the two of you spend the rest of the daylight practicing. She takes you out to a killer pizza joint as thanks for the extra minutes, and you walk Christen back to her dorm at the end of the night. 

You’re smitten from the start. 

The LA native is as charming as she is smart. You find yourself spending a lot of your down time with her, whether that be lounging at the beach or hidden away in a secret library hideout. Despite finding her the most beautiful woman on campus, you can’t seem to voice your thoughts to her. Instead, you sit by quietly as countless people, both men and women alike, attempt to ask her out. Christen blushes every time someone tries, but she never says yes in the end. She just politely turns them down and then gets back to spending time with you.

Kelley’s your self-appointed wingwoman from the start. Having realized your relation to Tobin and having taken Christen under her wing as a fellow forward, she does everything in her power to push the two of you together.

That often means embarrassing out of place comments that leave both you and Christen turning red, and more often than not, you groaning at Kelley to go away. Despite all of Kelley’s “help,” you and Christen toe the line between friends and something more for a couple years. 

It isn’t until your semi-final loss in the 2008 college cup that Christen does anything about your mutual feelings. It’s there, on the somber North Carolina field where you lay dejected and heartbroken after a hard 1-0 loss, that Christen fixes your heart up. Pressing a kiss against your forehead, she whispers every word she’s ever wanted to say to you. You go out on a date the day after and you’ve been together ever since. 

Which has led to this moment here, New Years at the Heaths. For the first time since becoming official, Christen’s decided to accompany you to New Jersey, meeting your family for the first time. Sure, she’s met some of them when they come to your Stanford matches here and there, but this is the first time she’s meeting them as your girlfriend.

So far she’s done great, charmed both of your parents like she did you and formed a light bond with your younger brother. None of your sisters have arrived yet, Perry picking up Tobin from the airport and Katie planning on coming in separately. 

It’s between telling Cindy about her summer internship and Jeff the soccer records she wants to break this year that Christen suddenly turns towards you. Due to your close proximity, the two of you clash hard, her wine sloshing dangerously over the edge and dousing you in half of her drink.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

“Chris, it’s fine.” You take the offered napkins and try to soak up as much of the alcohol as you can. Christen seems undeterred, only growing more flustered with every second.

“Um if we soak it in some water right now I think we can get the wine out, but we have to hurry--”

“Christen.” Grabbing your girlfriend’s hands between yours, you pull her in so she’s no longer tugging on the bottom of your shirt. “Breathe, baby. It’s okay.”

Waving off your parents, you drag Christen out of the kitchen.

“You need to change. I’d hate it if I stained your shirt forever just because I was nervous,” she mutters, still wringing her hands.

Trying to lighten the mood, you crack a joke. “If you wanted me to strip, you didn’t need to spill wine on me.”

Christen gives you a shove, but chuckles nonetheless. Happy to have gotten the reaction you wanted, you start towards the staircase. “Come on.”

Christen slows, lingering by the bottom of the stairs. “Are you sure? I think your parents will think we’re… doing things if I go up there with you.”

You roll your eyes. “Trust me when I say my sisters and Jeff have done much worse.”

“Babe,” she huffs, trying to be serious.

“Chris, would you rather stay down here with my family and fend for yourself? I think Katie’s like two minutes out. She’s probably the scariest one out of all of them.”

The mention of your sister has Christen’s eyes opening wider.

“Um, on second thought, I’d love to see your childhood room.”

Chuckling, you head up the stairs towards the end of the hall. Christen’s all wide-eyed as she takes in your posters and trophies littering the room.

She softens at a picture of you and Tobin as kids, front tooth missing as you hold up a first-place trophy in pride. Although you’ve faced each other on the field multiple times, Christen’s yet to actually meet the sister you’re the closest to. There always seems to be an excuse, a missing sweatshirt or late game tiredness, anything that stops her from meeting your sister out on the field with you after a game. But you’ve never pushed her on it, knowing Christen’s slight reverence of your sister’s soccer records. 

Today, however, seems to be the day that all changes. The two of you barely make it back onto the main floor before a voice rings out.

“Defiling my sister already, Press?”

Your head snaps to the side, the familiar drawl having you light up at first. But when Christen stiffens next to you, your smile drops. 

“Toby,” you warn, running a soothing hand down your girlfriend’s back.

Your older sister simply sticks a hand out, yanking you away from Christen and into a crushing hug. 

“Toby!” This time her name is whined out, you struggling to get out of the noogie Tobin’s giving you. 

A melodic laughter has you briefly pausing, and there’s a sparkle in Christen’s eyes when you finally escape. Christen willingly offers you her arms when you pout, and she makes sure to gently smooth down your hair. 

When you realize how relaxed Christen feels pressed against you right now, you realize Tobin’s plan to put your girlfriend at ease all along. 

Tobin gives you a grin when you meet her eyes. Her attention quickly turns back to the girl beside you. “It’s nice to meet you, Christen. Your reputation far precedes you.”

“My reputation?” Christen seems at a genuine loss of words. “I don’t… You’re… you’re Tobin freaking Heath!”

Tobin chuckles. “And? You’re every defense’s worst nightmare. Trust me when I say I hate playing Stanford because (Y/N) is a pain in the ass to get past, but you’re probably the bigger pain in the ass for a team collectively to constantly defend and catch up to.”

Your girlfriend seems at a loss for words. Never would she have thought “Tobin freaking Heath” would take notice of her soccer skills. You know it’s been a lifelong dream of Christen’s to play for the national team. Hell, it’s been yours as well, but it’s one thing to personally know someone who’s being called up, and another to meet them for the first time. Seeing someone you know getting called up so young has only made the two of you push each other harder, and the meritts have long been shown.

Christen takes Tobin’s offered hand, giving her a firm handshake. Tobin can only fake it long enough for half a second to pass before she’s rolling her eyes. “Why am I not surprised you’re someone with a firm handshake?”

Before Christen has the chance to respond, or you to chastise your sister, Tobin’s pulling Christen in for a hug. Your girlfriend is stiff at first, but quickly relaxes into the hug.

“Damn, (Y/N) wasn’t lying when she said your hugs are to die for.”

You turn red at Tobin’s teasing and Christen pulls away to raise an eyebrow at you.

“You give good hugs,” you mutter, face flaming even more when Christen leans in to give you a kiss. You ignore Tobin’s howling laughter and flip her off.

“I think your hugs are to die for too,” Christen smiles, bumping your nose with hers.

Tobin’s face instantly scrunches up in disgust. “Okay, you guys are gross. Go away now.”

Later that night when Christen’s successfully won the love of your two other sisters and the rest of you are getting ready for dinner, Tobin’s leaning in to nudge you in the side. 

“Christen seems like a good one,” she hums, not taking her eyes off from where your girlfriend is helping Cindy take rolls out of the oven.

“You really think so?” It’s not that you doubt how good of a person Christen is. You just know how much your family’s approval means to her. 

“She’s really doing the world a disservice, being with someone like you,” Tobin teases, sticking her tongue out at you.

Grumbling in dissent, you’re halfway to strangling her when Cindy catches you forcing Tobin into a headlock. “Girls! I know I’ve definitely raised you better than to be this uncivilized. Go help Christen set up the table before she thinks all New Jerseyites are like this.”

Christen merely gives your mother a wink when she places down the plates. “It’s okay. I already know (Y/N)’s a hard one to train.”

“Babe!” you gasp out, quickly releasing your sister to pout and give your girlfriend a hand.

It’s the first of many family dinners you have together, but in that moment, you can only hope Christen will choose you forever.

---

Megan shoving a glass into your hand snaps you back into the present. 

It’s been nearly a month since Christen revealed your engagement to the world, and it’s been a crazy month since then. Interviews here and there, public appearances galore, not to mention the number of games you still had to play, both for club and nation. All that has led to this, a Pinoe insisted, wholly unnecessary, bachelorette party. Despite the number of times you protest, the pink haired lady refused to back down, swearing she was going to throw you the “most bangest, wildest, and gayest bachelorette party ever.”

You think it’s premature at best, given she brought up this idea only a week after the engagement, but who are you to argue with your decade-long teammate?

Due to a call you have scheduled with a sponsor, you’re one of the last people to show up. You’re greeted with shouts from some already drunk people when you open the gate into Pinoe’s backyard.

Waving away your thanks, the forward raises the bottle in her hand in question. “Could I offer you some rosé?”

Your response is almost instantaneous. You flinch back, face paling at the name of the wine. 

Megan’s body stills, eyes wide and bewildered as she takes in your sudden sullen state. “What?”

Meanwhile, Christen, who gravitates towards you when you arrive, is cringing behind her glass of red wine beside you. Kelley’s not far behind her, a wide smirk plastered on her face. Their reactions aren’t missed by the rest of the team, who quickly crowds around to find out what the fuss is all about. 

“What’s so bad about rosé?”

---

2009~

The first thing you register is the pain radiating through your back. Then the pounding in your head. And then the soreness in some… other places. 

Eyes fluttering open, you spot the mess of curls sprawled out over your chest. Christen’s already awake, tired green eyes staring down at you with mirth. 

“Good morning,” she murmurs. The raspiness of her sleep-laden voice makes your heart skip a beat. 

You smile. “A very good morning indeed.”

 Christen leans in, pressing a short and chaste kiss against your lips. When she pulls away, way too soon for your liking, you whine, pouting at the look she sends you. 

“Don’t even,” she murmurs, sitting up onto her knees and groaning at the popping of her joints. Your eyes trail down her exposed skin, staring abashedly, even as Christen rolls her eyes at you. 

Frowning, she takes in the state of the floor. Clothes are thrown everywhere, blankets are also piled up under where you’re still propped up on the floor. 

“How’d we end up on the floor anyways?”

Now that you’ve lost the warmth of Christen’s body against yours, you flop back down onto your back. “Your roommate’s cheap-ass screw-top rosé.”

Christen’s eyebrows furrow as she tries to understand your complaint. It must be too early for her critical thinking skills though, as she continues to fix you with a puzzled look. 

Sighing heavily, you push yourself back onto your forearms. You fight your urge to smirk when you catch Christen’s eyes lingering on your exposed skin. “Okay, we need to address her choices in wine, but we actually broke your bed last night.”

“What?!” Christen’s head whips back at lightning speed, craning to catch sight of her bed. 

The snapped leg of her bed and tilting bed frame only leaves your last night’s activity to your imaginations. 

Christen groans, leaning down to press her face against your neck. “I cannot believe we did that.”

“Totally worth it though.”

Your girlfriend’s glare isn’t enough to wipe off the smirk on your face.

“Come on, you can’t say it wasn’t worth it.”

Shoving herself off you, Christen picks up a shirt to pull on. It isn’t until she’s lingering by the door, eying your still curled up body on the floor that she sighs heavily. “Are you coming?”

You’re instantly scrambling up, throwing on a sweater of Christen’s before racing after her. 

Not looking where you’re going, you bump right into Christen’s back, the forward having suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway. You take that moment to run your hand appreciatively up and down against her side, ending with warming your hands up on her abs. You always loved feeling her tight muscles and Christen always loved your wandering hands, but it’s the stiffness in Christen’s posture that has you lifting your head up from where you are pressing a kiss against the back of her neck. 

You meet amused hazel eyes accompanied with a wide smirk. Your hands snap away quick from under Christen’s shirt. 

“Did you guys have fun last night?”

Face turning red at Kelley’s line of questioning, you quickly brush past your girlfriend, making sure to yank her with you to her kitchen. The smug brunette doesn’t let the half-wall separating you deter her. 

“You girls in a hurry to restock your energy?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Kell.”

“Right, those marks on your collarbone are very convincing.” This statement comes from Ali, who’s already leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in hand. You glare at her, ignoring the defender’s cry of dismay when you swipe away her cup. By now, Christen’s beet red, doing her best to shield herself from the rest of your teammates settled in the living room. 

After the events of last night’s party, the rest of them must have slept there while you and your girlfriend got busy in her room. 

Kelley cackles at Ali’s observation, letting out a low whistle. “Damn, Pressy. You really did a number on her.”

Shutting your eyes, you will your hangover to go away. You actually woke up in a pretty decent mood, all cuddled up with your girlfriend. Now, however? Now you just want to pack your entire team onto a bus and drive said bus off a cliff. 

Settling to instead clean the apartment, you only make it as far as scanning the kitchen counter for trash when you feel like gagging. Scrunching up your nose in disgust, you grab the empty rosé bottle, intending on putting it in the recycle bin. Ali has other ideas though. You don’t even have time to protest before she’s stealing the bottle from you.

“No more rosé for you two horndogs.”

That sets off the rest of your team again.

You can tell Christen’s plotting the slow death of your teammates, so you quickly lean towards her. 

“If we start making out right now do you think they’ll all go away?” you mutter. 

This time you’re laughing with everyone else when she shoves you away.

---

The night’s starting to wind down. Emily has long fallen asleep on Lindsey and you can tell the buzz is starting to wear off the rest of the team. Most people are just quietly chatting amongst themselves, no longer going ham and playing games. 

Megan leans back towards Sue, letting out a low groan. “Damn, the two of you have such a cute relationship.”

Christen simply smiles, hooking a finger around yours. 

You let out a hum, not disagreeing with the forward. “You know we almost broke up once, right?”

That captures the room’s attention. Megan sits up, suddenly more alert than she’s been all night. “What?”

“Don’t you remember when I left in the middle of the season at Sounders Women and was gone for a hot minute?”

---

2012~

You’ve been staring at your phone for the past two hours, almost as if the harder you stared, the faster it’d ring. Christen’s game had ended hours ago, and you’ve been waiting for the forward to call you ever since.

After college you and Christen both got drafted to the WPS. Christen went to DC while you ended up reuniting with Kelley in Boston. 

You knew your girlfriend was proud of you when you got your first international cap a month after you graduated, and even more so when you joined the team on their trip to the World Cup in 2011. You barely played any minutes, but just being with the team was an experience. The entire time, however, you couldn’t help but feel guilty at leaving your girlfriend behind. It’s clear how much it was killing Christen not to be called up, but nerves about your own career and Christen’s focus on expanding hers leads to neither of you talking about it much. Maybe that’s where the first mistake starts.

When the league folds, you’re quick to fly out to Seattle along with some of your national team teammates. Christen, on the other hand, goes abroad, heading for Sweden. Although you know she did it to improve her soccer playing in hopes of making the national team, you hated how far away she had to be to do it. 

The nine hour time difference made it hard to have a decent conversation, but the two of you try your best. Everything’s great at the beginning. Countless phone calls, weekly skype dates, anything to still keep your relationship alive. 

But then texts start to fade, phone calls seem less enthused. It’s been months now and the silence only seems to be growing longer and longer. Each time you propose flying out to see her, Christen declines, not wanting to take away from your own season in Seattle. 

At this point you’re not sure what else you can do. 

You’re just about to leave for practice when your phone rings. Fumbling for the phone that’s in your back pocket, you quickly jam the answer button when you yank it free. 

“This isn’t working for me anymore.” It’s quick, it’s quiet, it’s cutting. Christen’s words have your breath dying in your throat before you can even say hello. 

“What? Chris, I--”

“I’m sorry, I know this isn’t fair of me to do. But I can’t stop feeling jealous of everything you do, even though you deserve it all. I need to focus on myself right now.” There’s a slight tremble to Christen’s voice, but she holds strong. 

“Babe, slow down, I--” your voice cracks and you have to try hard to swallow the lump in your throat. “Look, we can work through this just--”

“I can’t, I’m sorry. Everything, the distance, our lives, nothing’s clicking anymore.”

“Chris, just wait--”

“I don’t want to hold you back anymore.”

“Babe, you’re not holding me back.”

“(Y/N)--”

“I love you. Please don’t do this.” You’re begging now, well aware of how pathetic you sound. 

Never in a million years would you have thought that Christen would break up with you. The two of you have had your fair share of arguments, when you were still in college together as well as the first year going long distance after being drafted. You’ve always been able to resolve things though. You’re not sure why you thought this would be any different. 

There’s a choked sob on the other line. Your heart clenches at the sound.

“Chris--” 

“I love you. I do. I just… I’m sorry.”

You’re not expecting the dial tone when it rings out against your ear. The longer you stay on the empty line, the more reality sets it. Christen just broke up with you. Christen just broke up with you. 

You’re not sure if you want to cry or throw up. 

Eventually you slide down against the wall, pressing your face against your knees. There’s a tightness to your chest. You’re not sure if it’ll ever go away. 

A loud bang has you jolting out of your feeble position. 

Alex, who’s always perpetually late to leaving for practice, slides to a stop in front of you. She freezes, hands still in the middle of tying her hair up. Her eyes dart between the phone still clutched in your hands and your bloodshot eyes. She yanks her headphones out of her ears. 

“Erm, what’s wrong?” 

“Fuck off, Alex,” you spit out, wiping hard at your eyes. You know it’s unwarranted. It’s not Alex’s fault Christen just broke up with you, nor is the fact that she’s had the unfortunate act of being your roommate. 

The forward ignores your quip, choosing instead to sit down next to you. 

She doesn’t say anything. 

The seconds tick by. 

By now you’re 100% sure you’re both late for practice. 

More time passes. 

Eventually the silence becomes too much for you. 

“I think Christen just broke up with me.”

“What?” Alex whips her head around at your words. 

“She said…” just having to repeat Christen’s words made you feel even sicker. You swallow hard. “She said it wasn’t working for her anymore.”

You get up on shaky legs. 

Alex only tilts her head up at you in question when you start shoving your feet into your slides. “Where are you going?”

“Practice. Where are you going?” 

You can’t do anything but follow her blindly when Alex suddenly makes a beeline for your room. She digs out a bag from under your bed and starts shoving clothes into it. You’re still dazed from the rapid change in Alex’s behavior that all you can do is stare. 

“Go to Sweden.”

“Excuse me?”

“Book a flight out to Sweden. Go get your girl,” she repeats, spinning around to raise an eyebrow at you.

“I don’t think she wants to see me.”

“Well I don’t think she knows what she wants if she’s breaking up with you,” the brunette shoots back, shoving the half-packed bag of clothes into your arms. Alex all but ushers you out the door, pushing you into the passenger side seat of her car. 

“Al, wait, we have practice--”

“Missing one day is fine.” Your eyebrows nearly shoot to your hairline. Alex Morgan voluntarily missing practice? Whoever this person sitting beside you is, is not the breakout USWNT forward you’ve come to know.

“And if coach asks where I am the next couple days?”

“I’ll just say you have some personal things you have to deal with. No one will mind.”

For the amount of shit you give Alex, she’s a great friend to have. In less than an hour, you’re seated on an airplane headed towards Sweden. 

The fifteen hour flight leaves you with a lot of time to think. 

You know that Christen’s been struggling with soccer recently. Her dreams of making the national team only dims with every missed call-up. With every call you’ve seen her enthusiasm wane.

At first your calls would encompass everything. How life is going in your respective cities. The places you’ve seen, the people you’ve met. Lately all they’ve been about is soccer. How each other’s games have gone. What could have been better. Never about the national team. You never bring it up, not wanting to accidentally hurt her feelings. Christen never does either, not wanting to talk about the things she’s missing out on. 

Maybe if the two of you talked about it more, this would have never happened. You could have reassured Christen some more, and she would’ve not felt like she had to go through her career herself.

You dream of every scenario that can play out when you get to her place. Christen not opening the door. Christen opening the door but to only slam it in your face. Christen opening the door, not slamming it in your face, but repeating her desire to break up with you.

Okay, maybe you only dream of the worst case scenarios. But Christen’s the one who broke up with you so you really don’t have a reason to think of anything positive. 

It’s pouring when you get to Gothenburg. 

You blearily make your way to the cafe lounge. Sleep did not come easily on the fifteen hour flight, so you’ve been awake over 24 hours now after waking early to catch Christen’s game. 

It’s there, when you’re inhaling a cup of black coffee that a splash of color catches your eyes. You frown at the stand. 

Who buys flowers in an airport?

You buy a bouquet before setting out for a taxi.

The taxi driver eyes your lack of luggage and the flowers in your hand with interest. You’re glad he doesn’t say anything on the drive to Christen’s place. 

When he drives off, you’re left staring at the plain gate surrounding the very generic looking house. It’s only a couple steps away, but you can’t seem to make your feet move towards the door.

You’ve defended against the fastest strikers in the world. You’ve scored against world-class keepers. You’ve done all these great soccer things, yet you can’t find it in yourself to knock on Christen’s door. 

A voice that suspiciously sounds a lot like Tobin’s tells you not to be such a wuss. You mentally flip off imaginary Tobin. Imaginary Tobin only nutmegs you in response.

In the end, you don’t even have to knock. 

Your eyes widen when you see the door swing open. Christen must’ve been on her way out to the store or something, because she doesn’t seem to be expecting it when she catches sight of you just a ways from the door. You can tell when she realizes who it is exactly who’s standing right in front of her.

Christen stares at you, hollow-eyed as she leans heavily against her door for support. You’re instantly taken aback by how beautiful she looks. Her eyes are a little red from where, you assume, she’s been crying most of the night and day. Despite that, you still think she’s the prettiest woman you’ve ever seen.

“Hi.”

Christen blinks. “What… what are you doing here?”

You nearly sway at the rasp of her voice. It’s been so long since you’ve heard it in person. The speaker of your phone never did her voice any justice.

“I needed to see you.”

A gust of wind has Christen momentarily distracted. Finally taking in the state of the weather around you, she quickly invites you in, shutting the door to keep out the rain. You linger by the door, not willing to drip water all over Christen’s place. The forward disappears for a moment, returning with a giant towel that you gratefully take. 

You take this opportunity to hand her the flowers. 

She gives the half-drowned flowers a weird look but takes them all the same.

“The rain kinda… kinda killed them,” you sheepishly explain. 

Christen still puts them in a water-filled vase, and you have to fight your laugh at how ridiculous it looks. 

She hesitates in the kitchen, not returning to where you’re still standing by the door. 

“Um, do you want some tea?”

“I love you.”

Your declaration takes her off guard. Christen freezes, eyes widening at your words. 

“I love you and I don’t want to break up.”

You cautiously take a step towards her when Christen doesn’t move. Her eyes follow your movements with rapt attention. You swallow hard when Christen still doesn’t say anything.

“I don’t want the fact that we’re in different places in our career break us up. I don’t care about the glitz and the glam that comes with playing ball in the states or on the national team. I’d give it all up if it meant I couldn’t have you.”

You take it as a good sign when Christen lets you take her hand. If anything, her hand tightens around yours. 

“Chris, you’re it for me. I don’t want to do any of this if I can’t do it by your side.” 

When the first tear falls from Christen’s eyes, your hand automatically shoots out to wipe it away. Christen stiffens at first, but before you have a chance to apologize, she’s throwing herself at you, arms wrapping around your waist, head burying deep against the crook of your neck. 

Your hands soothingly run up and down her back when you feel the tears soaking your collar. 

“Chris--”

“I’m sorry. I don’t-- god I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so sorry.”

You’re not sure how long the two of you stay like that, wrapped up in one another, whispering quiet reassurances of your love. 

It isn’t until Christen’s tears have finally died down, quiet sniffles every here and there, that you break the bubble the two of you have found yourself in. “I think we have things we need to talk about.” Christen stiffens in your arms, but you’re quick to press a kiss against the top of her head. “But we don’t have to do that right now.”

When she pulls her head away from your neck, you give her a teary smile. “Hey beautiful.”

“Stop,” she chuckles wetly, wiping a sleeve against her face. “I’m pretty sure I just left snot all over your collarbone.”

You shrug. “Pretty sure you’ve done worse. Are we purposefully forgetting when you threw up on me after we won the college cup, or?”

That comment earns you a weak punch against your shoulder. When your chuckles have died down, Christen nervously chews on her bottom lip. 

Knowing her tell, you remain quiet, letting Christen work up the courage to say whatever it is.  Eventually she quietly sighs out, guiltily eying you. “How do you not hate me?”

You frown. “Why would I hate you?”

“Are you really going to make me say it?”

Hearing the agitation slowly creep into her voice, you slowly lean in until you’re pressing a kiss against Christen’s lips. You can tell Christen’s confused by the change in direction of the conversation, but she sinks into the kiss all the same. 

Despite every thought yelling at you to deepen the kiss, you pull away with a light peck when you feel Christen relax against you. “I love you, okay? I love you and I’ll keep loving you even if you make me cry and then get on a very long flight to see you.”

Hesitantly nodding, she drops her head down against your neck again.

“Love you too, even if your ‘forgive me’ flowers were definitely all dead.”

“Roses,” you correct, half remembering a sign you saw next to the stand. “‘I’m deeply in love with you’ roses.”

The snicker Christen lets out is the opposite reaction you expect.

Your face scrunches up. “Okay, now I feel like you’re making fun of me.”

“I love the effort but I am, just a little bit.”

“Chris--”

“Those are carnations.” Christen’s lips are curled up at the sides, amusement replacing the tears that previously filled her eyes. “Not roses.”

The embarrassment shoots through you hard. You’re not able to fight the blush. “Oh.”

Christen simply chuckles, connecting your lips once again. 

Later, when you’ve convinced Christen to take a nap with you and are all snuggled up in her bed, you whisper your affirmation of your love for her again. 

“I love you. Let’s never do that again,” you mutter, tightening your arms around the forward.

Christen simply hums, pressing a kiss against your collarbone. “Never again.”

---

When the party has come to an end, most people having already left, you once again voice your appreciation of the whole thing. 

“Thanks for doing this, P. This was fun.”

Megan huffs, making a show of being fake annoyed. “And to think the two of you kept trying to convince me to cancel it.”

“Oh trust me, Chris and I really do appreciate this whole thing, but it truly was unnecessary.”

Megan rolls her eyes, not even sparing you a look. “I know you guys are very lowkey gals who only need the simplest things in life, but you have to let us spoil you every now and then.”

It’s only when your failed effort to hide your laughter sets off Christen’s own laugh that the forward looks up. 

“Yeah, no, P. That’s not what I meant.”

---

Two days ago~

Tobin grabs ahold of your hand, stopping you before the two of you can make it through the doors. “Are you sure you want to do this right now?”

After getting the call from you last night, Tobin jumped on the first plane available to LA. You love your sister to death, but her willingness to drop everything only made you love her more.

You nod. “I’ve been only waiting most of my life for this, so yeah.”

Your sister rolls her eyes at your dramatics, but shoulders the door open all the same. “Pinoe’s gonna be so mad,” she tuts, more than happy to let you take the brunt of the spicy forward’s wrath.

“Hey, I told her she didn’t have to throw us a bachelorette party. She shut me down instantly.”

Kelley, who catches the last part of your conversation, lets out a bellowing laugh. “You didn’t even try that hard.”

Christen comes to a stop beside her, fixing the three of you with an incredulous look. “Wait, she’s still planning on throwing us a party?”

Your first action is to give your fiancée an appreciative up-and-down. Christen doesn’t miss the action, giving you a light shove when she catches your eyes lingering in certain places for too long. 

Laughing, you step forward to press a kiss against her cheek. “Think of it as a wedding gift, babe,” you murmur, not missing the amusement in her eyes. 

“Wedding gifts are for married people,” Kelley sings, not so subtly pushing you guys towards the right hall. Tobin had pulled the defender with her when she was leaving DC, and you’re glad that she did. There are no other people you’d like more to be your two witnesses. But you are well aware that she’s missing a Braves game to be here. 

“Eloping only takes, like, ten minutes, right? I’ve got a ball game to watch.”

Both you and Christen shove Kelley hard enough that she doesn’t have a chance to cackle at her own joke.

[april-is]

April 17, 2024: You Belong to the World, Carrie Fountain

You Belong to the World Carrie Fountain

as do your children, as does your husband. It’s strange even now to understand that you are a mother and a wife, that these gifts were given to you and that you received them, fond as you’ve always been of declining invitations. You belong to the world. The hands that put a peach tree into the earth exactly where the last one died in the freeze belong to the world and will someday feed it again, differently, your body will become food again for something, just as it did so humorously when you became a mother, hungry beings clamoring at your breast, born as they’d been with the bodily passion for survival that is our kind’s one common feature. You belong to the world, animal. Deal with it. Even as the great abstractions come to take you away, the regrets, the distractions, you can at any second come back to the world to which you belong, the world you never left, won’t ever leave, cells forever, forever going through their changes, as they have been since you were less than anything, simple information born inside your own mother’s newborn body, itself made from the stuff your grandmother carried within hers when at twelve she packed her belongings and left the Scottish island she’d known—all she’d ever known—on a ship bound for Ellis Island, carrying within her your mother, you, the great human future that dwells now inside the bodies of your children, the young, who, like you, belong to the world.

--

Also by Carrie Fountain: Will You?

More like this: -> The World Has Need of You, Ellen Bass -> Why I’m Here, Jacqueline Berger -> from Burial, Ross Gay -> Poem to My Child, If Ever You Shall Be, Ross Gay

Today in:

2023: Mammogram Call Back with Ultra Sound, Ellen Bass 2022: Catastrophe Is Next to Godliness, Franny Choi 2021: Weather, Claudia Rankine 2020: The Understudy, Bridget Lowe 2019: Against Dying, Kaveh Akbar 2018: Close Out Sale, Cristin O’Keefe Aptowicz 2017: Things That Have Changed Since You Died, Laura Kasischke 2016: Percy, Waiting for Ricky, Mary Oliver 2015: My Heart, Kim Addonizio 2014: My Skeleton, Jane Hirshfield 2013: Catch a Body, Oliver Bendorf 2012: No, Mark Doty 2011: from Narrative: Ali, Elizabeth Alexander 2010: Baseball Canto, Lawrence Ferlinghetti 2009: Nothing but winter in my cup, Alice George 2008: Poppies in October, Sylvia Plath 2007: I Imagine The Gods, Jack Gilbert 2006: An Offer Received In This Morning’s Mail, Amy Gerstler 2005: The Last Poem In The World, Hayden Carruth

[brostateexam]

Writers have always endured indignities in Hollywood. But, as long as there are millions to be grabbed, the trade-off has been bearable—except when it isn’t. The past month has brought the discontent of television writers to a boiling point. In mid-April, the Writers Guild of America (the modern successor to the Screen Writers Guild) voted to authorize a strike, with a decisive 97.85 per cent in favor. The guild’s current contract with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers expires on May 1st; if the negotiations break down, it will be the W.G.A.’s first strike since late 2007 and early 2008. At issue are minimum fees, royalties, staffing requirements, and even the use of artificial intelligence in script production—but the over-all stakes, from the perspective of TV writers, feel seismic. “This is an existential fight for the future of the business of writing,” Laura Jacqmin, whose credits include Epix’s “Get Shorty” and Peacock’s “Joe vs. Carole,” told me; like the other writers I spoke to, she had voted for the strike authorization. “If we do not dig in now, there will be nothing to fight for in three years.” TV writers seem, on the whole, miserable. “The word I would use,” Jacqmin said, “is ‘desperation.’ ”

How did it come to this? About a decade ago, in the era of “Mad Men,” “Breaking Bad,” and “Veep,” TV writing seemed like one of the coolest, best-paying jobs a writer could have. As with the talkie boom of the nineteen-thirties, playwrights and journalists were flocking to Hollywood to partake in the heyday of prestige TV. It was fun. “We were all just trying to figure out, like, where to live. How do we sublet? Do we buy a car? Do we rent a car?” Liz Flahive recalled. In 2008, Flahive had just had a play produced Off Broadway when she got hired to write for “Untitled Edie Falco Project,” which became Showtime’s “Nurse Jackie.” TV, unlike big-budget movies, was a writers’ medium, and it was undergoing a creative explosion. “The old-timey mentality was: you go work in TV, and it breaks your brain, and you learn all these terrible habits,” Flahive said. “But you didn’t. You were writing great scenes, and for really good actors.”

The “Nurse Jackie” writers’ room, Flahive recalled, “was half queer, majority female. It was half people who had done TV for a long time, and half people who had never done TV before.” But it was possible to learn. “I turned in my first script, and the co-E.P.s sat me down and said, ‘This is really great. But this is the most expensive episode of television ever written. It’s a half-hour show, and you have forty-one setups.’ I was, like, ‘What’s a setup?’ And they explained, ‘If you set this scene here, and you write this scene here, this is a whole company move, and this is a whole new set we have to build.’ And then I got to take that script and go sit on set and actually see what it meant when you write ‘EXT. SUBWAY PLATFORM,’ and why that’s complicated.”

Flahive rose through the ranks of “Nurse Jackie” and went on to co-create the Netflix comedy “GLOW” and the Apple TV+ anthology “Roar,” both with the playwright and producer Carly Mensch. But, in the intervening years, the profession has devolved. Streamers are ordering shorter seasons, and the residuals model that used to give network writers a reliable income is out the window. The ladder from junior writer to showrunner has become murkier, with some people repeating steps like repeating grades, and others being flung to the top without the requisite experience, in order to meet demand for new content. Studios are cutting writing budgets to the bone by hiring fewer people for shorter time periods, often without paying for lower-level writers to be on set during production, which makes it all but impossible to learn the skills necessary to run a show. On “Roar,” Flahive said, “we had to fight to budget for writers to prep and produce their episodes,” and some of her writers had never been to the set of shows they’d worked on, “which is astonishing to me.”

[mrbensonmum]

TV Show - Dr. House | House M.D. IX

Over the weekend, I finished watching the fourth season, what a wild ride!

The team breaks up and only House remains. Of course, one could say that he also needs a team because he is the top diagnostician, but that would be short-sighted. Without the constant brainstorming and influences of the others, the diagnoses would never come together. Unless he's at Wilson's and has a brainstorm again. Still, he needs the team or a team to go down this path, a lesson House doesn't really need to learn, but it seems Foreman does. He briefly has a team and behaves like House, but it's a completely different dynamic.

What's really interesting, though, is that the old team never really goes away. While the new team is very different, because it's familiar, you still get to see the old faces here and there, namely Chase and Cameron. Foreman is always around anyway. It's a bit like changing your diet, where you're eating completely different foods but still occasionally have a cheat day, so your head, not just your body, is on board with the whole thing.

I especially like that they've thought about the nerds with the new team. Kutner often waves this flag by bringing in pop culture topics, asking about Star Wars stuff, or just being a bit childishly naive. I don't mean that derogatorily; in such a serious series, I think it's pretty good and necessary.

Since the production of the fourth season falls during the writers' strike of that time (2007-2008), we have a very short season with only 16 episodes. This gives us relatively little time to process everything that's happening. First, there's the selection process for the new team, then Wilson's new relationship with Amber, and before we know it, we're first in "House's head" and then in "Wilson's heart". The impactful double feature at the end of the fourth season really throws the world around House out of whack, not to mention Wilson's world. This is also where the rift between the two begins, which lasts until House's father's funeral. I particularly like the reconciliation between them, or rather House's welcome back to Wilson. First a prank, then a donut and a carton of milk; that's true friendship and yes, also a bromance, for sure.

As I write, I always pause the current episode I'm watching. Right now, I see that I've already reached the tenth episode of the fifth season. The episodes themselves, I don't want to say are standard, but they don't have major implications for the overall House world, except for dealing with Amber's death (important topic!!!).

However, two important new story arcs are starting. First, we meet Lucas, the private detective hired by House to shadow Wilson. We'll see more of him in a prominent role later, but it's still quiet around him for now. But an even bigger impact is Cuddy's increasingly strong desire to have a child, which has been around for a while but is becoming more concrete until the episode where she's almost there but then gets disappointed by the mother of the child she was going to adopt. Kudos to Lisa Edelstein, because the pain she experienced in that scene, or rather her role, came across very convincingly, and she manages to carry that pain subtly through several episodes. And yes, I noticed the kiss between her and House, don't worry. But I also count that as part of this pain.

But the moment that impressed me the most was at the end of the fourth season when House is sitting on the white bus with Amber (what an incredibly good metaphor). Perhaps this is indeed the only scene where we get to know a House who is happy, and not just a part, a small piece, or a fragment, but 100%. His words that he wants to stay there because he has no pain hit me to the core because I also suffer from chronic pain. I don't mean to say that they are as severe as House's, but they are there, and I can relate to that so well. This has nothing to do with suicide or anything like that, please don't get me wrong. It's just the desire for a certain form of normalcy. To wake up in the morning and have no pain, not to worry about whether you'll make it through the day or have to take a step back somehow. I felt incredibly understood in that scene, and I think that, in turn, is an important point of the series. Showing people that they are not alone with their problems, that they are seen, and giving them a pleasant form of representation so that other people also notice that they exist. Especially because in my case, except for a slight limp, you can't tell, just like with House, for example.

So much evidence that this series is incredibly good and that on so many levels. I don't watch many medical series anymore, except for the first season of The Good Doctor, but I can't remember much beyond the first scene with the little boy. And unfortunately, I feel like it's the same with many of these series because they just don't have the impact that House does. I don't want to badmouth the other series, absolutely not. They have their place, no question, but they just don't have the scope that House does; they're more for pure entertainment and have chosen medicine or a hospital as a setting.

[jtownraindancer]

The Burn Collection

Hello friends! I've been hunting down Burn Gorman's works (film, screen, and radio) over the past few months, and since sharing is caring~

Audiobooks

Arkham County- From within the walls of Arkham’s asylum, reclusive writer Randolph Carter tells the story of orphan Violet Flintock, who arrives in Arkham County in search of her own history only to be instantly greeted by the bloody realities of this small town, whose foundations are built from the lore and mythology of HP Lovecraft. Horror; mature themes. 2020. Ensemble cast. Wilbur. [complete]

Torchwood: Everyone Says Hello- Across Cardiff, ordinary people are behaving in odd ways: saying hello to complete strangers, and going out of their way to greet one another. Torchwood discovers that an alien communications field is gathering strength in the area. The team must find the device responsible and shut it off - before civil unrest engulfs the whole city. 2008. Narrator. Owen Harper. [complete]

Torchwood: Slow Decay- A friend of Gwen's has recently done an impressive bit of slimming, thanks to a new Cardiff weight-loss clinic with an incredibly simple system, and now Rhys wants to give it a try. Elsewhere in the city, an ordinary woman with superhuman strength and a extraordinary hunger is attacking people and eating her victims. 2007. Narrator. Owen Harper. [complete]

Films

Agatha Christie's Marple: Ordeal By Innocence- Old wounds are reopened for the Argyle family when a man suddenly turns up after being abroad and claims that the black sheep of the family could not have murdered its tyrannical matriarch. 2007. Ensemble cast. Antagonist. Jacko Argyle. [complete]

Cemetery Junction- In early 1970s England, three friends spend their days in banter, drinking, fighting and chasing girls. Freddie wants to escape their working class world but cheeky chappy Bruce and kind-hearted slacker Snork are happy with life the way it is. When Freddie gets a job as a door-to-door insurance salesman and bumps into his old school sweetheart Julie, the gang are forced to make choices that will change their lives forever. 2010. Ensemble cast. PC Renwick. [complete]

Color Me Kubrick- The true story of a man who posed as director Stanley Kubrick during the production of Kubrick's last film, Eyes Wide Shut (1999), despite knowing very little about his work and looking nothing like him. 2005. Period typical -isms. Ensemble cast. Willie. [complete]

Crimson Peak- An aspiring young author travels to a remote Gothic mansion in Cumberland, England with her new husband and his sister. There, she must decipher the mystery behind the ghostly visions that haunt her new home. 2015. Ensemble cast. Mr. Holly. [complete]

Dalziel and Pascoe: A Death in The Family- When a transit depot is robbed of £600,000 in used banknotes, the thieves left one thing behind: a dead security guard. The victim is revealed to be the inside man and telephone records lead to Steve Pitt, found dead in his restaurant. 2006. Ensemble cast. Jerry Hart. [complete]

Enola Holmes- Enola is the youngest sibling in the famous Holmes family. She is extremely intelligent, observant, and insightful, defying the social norms for women of the time. Her mother Eudoria has taught her everything she needs to know to be strong-willed and independent. But on her sixteenth birthday, Enola wakes to find that her mother has disappeared. 2020. Ensemble cast. Linthorn. [complete]

Fred Claus- Santa's bitter older brother, Fred, is forced to move to the North Pole to help Santa and the elves prepare for their big night in exchange for cash. But what started out as an easy way to make money soon turns into a desperate attempt to save Christmas. 2007. Cameo. Elf. [complete]

Guernica- "Listen, George. Here's your damn war story. Twenty-six April, 1937. Gernika. Don't give a damn if you use my name or you have someone else sign it. But it's the story I want printed. Ready? A very small town in the north of Spain is about to become very famous, but for all the wrong reasons." 2016. Ensemble cast. Soviet Consul. [complete]

Imperium- A young FBI agent, eager to prove himself in the field, goes undercover as a white supremacist. 2016. Mature content. Ensemble cast. Morgan. [complete]

In A Valley of Violence- A mysterious stranger and a random act of violence drag a town of misfits and nitwits into the bloody crosshairs of revenge. 2016. Ensemble cast. Priest. [complete]

Jimi: All Is By My Side- In 1966, an unknown guitarist named James Hendrix leaves New York for London, changes his name to Jimi and begins to make his mark in the world of rock music. Ensemble cast. Michael Jeffrey. [complete]

Johnny English Reborn- Johnny English is retired in Tibet and in disgrace in MI7 after a washed-up mission in Mozambique. Summoned unexpectedly by MI7 to stop assassins from killing Chinese Premier Xiang Ping. 2011. Ensemble cast. Agent Slater. [complete]

Layer Cake- A successful cocaine dealer gets two tough assignments from his boss on the eve of his planned early retirement. 2004. Ensemble cast. Gazza. [complete]

Lift- A master thief and his Interpol Agent ex-girlfriend team up to steal $500 million in gold bullion being transported on an A380 passenger flight. 2024. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Cormac. [complete]

Love is Not Enough- DV Indie filmmaker due to shoot promo for unsigned Welsh pop group takes the money and uses it to finish the film he's been working on for 5 years. 2001. Mature content. Period typical -isms. Slurs. Ensemble cast. Al Weisberger. [complete]

Pacific Rim- As a war between humankind and monstrous sea creatures wages on, a former pilot and a trainee are paired up to drive a seemingly obsolete special weapon in a desperate effort to save the world from the apocalypse. 2013. Ensemble cast. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. [complete]

Pacific Rim Uprising- Jake Pentecost, son of Stacker Pentecost, reunites with Mako Mori to lead a new generation of Jaeger pilots against a new Kaiju threat. But this time, the threat comes from somewhere much closer to home. 2018. Ensemble cast. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb. [complete]

Penelope- Penelope Wilhern was born with the snout of a pig due to a curse that was placed on her family by a vengeful witch. The only way to break the curse is for "one of her own kind" to love her. 2006. Ensemble cast. Larry Bunter. [complete]

Ransomed- A young diplomat is assigned the task of carrying the ransom money to rescue an abducted diplomat in Lebanon, and a local taxi driver accidently gets involved in the mission. 2023. Ensemble cast. Richard Carter. [complete]

Red Lights- Psychologist Margaret Matheson and her assistant study paranormal activity, which leads them to investigate a world-renowned psychic who has resurfaced years after his toughest critic mysteriously passed away. 2012. Ensemble cast. Benedict Cohen. [complete]

Sex, The City and Me- Jess, a high-flying banker, is sidelined in her job by her Machiavellian boss when she returns to work after having a baby. She decides to sue the bank and ends up risking everything, including her marriage. The drama is inspired by in-depth interviews with women who have fought major cases in the City. 2007. Ensemble cast. Lawrence. [complete]

The Curse of Steptoe- Aspiring stage actor Harry H. Corbett jumps at the chance to star in a television comedy show 'Steptoe and Son'. The show's success proves to be a poisoned chalice, thwarting his stage ambitions. Wilfrid Brambell, the actor playing his father, is a gay man in an England where homosexuality is still illegal. Both, in their own way, feel that they have invoked the curse of Steptoe. Ray Galton. [complete]

The Inspector Lynley Mysteries: In Divine Proportion- While investigating the murder of an interior decorator, Inspector Lynley and Sergeant Havers quickly learn there is a connection between the victim's murder, and the death of her sister 15 years earlier. Mature themes; references to rape & suicide. 2005. Ensemble cast. Billy Verger. [complete]

The Oxford Murders- At Oxford University, a professor and a grad student work together to try to stop a potential series of murders seemingly linked by mathematical symbols. 2008. Ensemble cast. Yuri Podorov. [complete]

Undergods- A dystopian anthology set in a post-apocalyptic landscape. The breakout film of director Chino Moya, "Undergods" offers a prophetic warning that we will be the instruments of our own undoing if we refuse to address rising authoritarianism alongside growing inequality and scarcity of resources. 2020. Ensemble cast. Tim. [complete]

Up There- Martin (deceased) is stuck in a dead-end job, welcoming the newly departed into the afterlife. All he dreams of is going 'Up There'. But his plans are thrown into disarray when he has to team up with the relentlessly chirpy Rash, and together they lose a new arrival. 2011. Ensemble cast; protagonist. Martin. [complete]

Walking With The Enemy- A young man, separated from his family in World War II, disguises himself as a Nazi S.S. Officer and uncovers more than just his family whereabouts. 2013. Ensemble cast. Lt. Colonel Otto Skorzeny. [complete]

Watcher- As a serial killer stalks the city, Julia -- a young actress who just moved to town with her boyfriend -- notices a mysterious stranger watching her from across the street. 2022. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Watcher; Weber. [complete]

Guest Appearances

A Lark Rise in Candleford: Season 4, Episode 3- Thomas is euphoric when he lands the job of organising the church bazaar. But his joy soon evaporates when the vicar falls ill, and the controversial and free-thinking curate Reverend Marley takes charge. Thomas is convinced that Marley is evil incarnate, and when he comes across a snake on his postal rounds, he sees it as a sign that the devil is indeed amongst them. 2011. Ensemble cast; guest star. Reverend Benedict Marley. [complete]

Casualty: Not Waving But Drowning- Penny's medical skills are tested to the limit during a diving expedition, and Holly is mystified at the collapse of a promising teenage dancer. 1999. Ensemble cast; guest star. Geoff Simpson. [complete]

Coronation Street- 1998. Ensemble cast; guest star. Ben Andrews. [coming soon!]

Forever- Dr. Henry Morgan is a New York City medical examiner who studies the dead for criminal cases, and to solve the mystery of his own immortality. 2014. Ensemble cast; guest star. Lewis Farber/Adam. (Appears only in episodes 11, 14, 18, 21 & 22, but all episodes are here!) [complete]

Game of Thrones- Nine noble families fight for control over the lands of Westeros, while an ancient enemy returns after being dormant for millennia. 2011. Ensemble cast; guest star. Karl Tanner. (only featuring Burn's four appearances) [complete]

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Flowers For Charlie- Charlie being used as a test subject for a new intelligence pill that makes him smarter and more aware of his messed-up life, causing him to quit his janitor job. Meanwhile, Dee, Dennis, and Mac try to do Charlie's work but get sidetracked and high on gasoline; and Frank tries to bring Charlie back to his dimwitted self. 2013. Ensemble cast; guest star. The Scientist/Science Bitch. [complete]

Lucky Man- From the mind of comic book legend Stan Lee comes a bold new action crime series about a brilliant but flawed police officer with the power to control luck. 2016. Ensemble cast; guest appearance. Doug. (Featuring only the three episodes in which he starred.) [complete]

Merseybeat: Coming of Age- Sgt. Gentle decides it's time for a change and decides to go out on the beat with PC Traynor, and the pair investigate a burglary at the home of an antiques dealer. Meanwhile, Ch. Insp. Oulton tries to help out an old friend who has found himself on the wrong side of the law. 2001. Ensemble cast; guest appearance. Sean Finnigan. [complete]

The Man in The High Castle- In a dystopian America dominated by Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, a young woman discovers a mysterious film that may hold the key to toppling the totalitarian regimes. 2015. The Marshal. (Featuring only the two episodes in which he starred.) [complete]

Miniseries

And Then There Were None- Ten strangers are invited to Soldier Island, an isolated rock near the Devon coast in southern England. Cut off from the mainland, with their generous hosts mysteriously absent, they are each accused of a terrible crime. As members of the party start to die one by one, the survivors realize that one of them is a killer and start to turn on each other. Mature themes. 2015. Ensemble cast. Sergeant Detective William "Bill" Blore. [complete]

Bleak House- Jarndyce and Jarndyce is an interminable law case in the Court of Chancery, concerning two or more wills and their beneficiaries. Eventually, after several decades, a verdict is finally reached, but not without a surprising number of twists along the way. 2005. Ensemble cast. William Guppy. (Video formatting issues in a couple episodes- i.e. fuzzy and/or black borders on sides in several sections. Full picture still visible, just with weird borders.) [complete]

Cheat- What starts out as what appears to be an open-and-shut case of academic dishonesty, soon spirals out of everyone’s control, proving there’s far more to the story than just a plagiarised essay. What lies behind the shocking events and tragedies that unfurl? Mature themes. 2019. Ensemble cast. Ben Jarvis. [complete]

Spies of Warsaw- A military attaché at the French embassy is drawn into a world of abduction, betrayal and intrigue in the diplomatic salons and back alleys of Warsaw. 2013. Ensemble cast. Jourdain. [complete {with Portuguese subtitles}]

The Hour- 2011. Ensemble cast. Thomas Kish. [coming soon!]

The Offer- A series based on Oscar-winning producer Albert S. Ruddy's extraordinary, never-revealed experiences of making "The Godfather." 2022. Ensemble cast. Charles Bluhdorn. [complete]

The Runaway- Cathy Connor and Eamonn Docherty are childhood sweethearts who are desperate to escape their East End roots. When Cathy murders her Mum's pimp in self-defense it changes their lives forever. Mature themes. 2011. Ensemble cast. Richard Gates. [complete]

Wuthering Heights- Based on the classic novel by Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights is a story of love, obsession, hate and revenge. The protagonists, Cathy and Heathcliff, form a love that is dark and destructive and affects the lives of everyone around them. 2009. Ensemble cast. Hindley Earnshaw. [complete]

Podcasts & Radio Dramas

Curl Up & D.I.- Gemma and Andy are two feckless coppers patrolling the mean streets of Slatby, a faded North Yorkshire seaside town with an unsolved murder problem. With conventional leads exhausted, local hairstylists, gossipmongers and armchair crime-solvers Yacky and Reuben are enlisted, and their salon unwittingly becomes the beating heart of all ongoing detective operations. Welcome to the murky hinterlands of soft perms and slaughter. Mature content. 2022. Chief Steve "Wendy" Concern. [complete]

Doctor Who: Timelord Victorious: Echoes of Extinction- Trapped, a haunted monster waits to consume new victims. It needs help. It needs a doctor. Unfortunately, it also needs to kill whoever it meets. Thrust into immediate danger, and on the back-foot, it will take all of the Doctor’s ingenuity to triumph. Two interlinked adventures. Two Doctors. One foe. 2021. Ensemble cast. The Network. [complete]

Glad To Be Back- Opera-loving Lezzo is on home leave for the weekend. His prison term is due to end in four weeks' time, and he is looking for a little innocent enjoyment. His friends have other plans in mind however, and his mother has some worrying news. 1999. Ensemble cast. Norman; Various. [complete]

He Died With His Eyes Open- A detective in 1980s London investigates a brutal murder, but has little to go on except for the victim's cassette diaries. 2013. Ensemble cast; narrator. The Detective. [complete]

King Trash- Mike Hodges adapts King Lear in a gritty retelling following KT, an 80-year-old criminal despot who owns a landfill site in the outskirts of London, and his daughter Honey, who is anything but sweet. Mature themes. 2007. Ensemble cast. Clint. [complete]

The Babington Plot- During the reign of Elizabeth I, a group of Catholic gentlemen conceived a plan to assassinate the Queen. The story of the failed conspiracy, told in documentary fashion on its one-year anniversary, is revealed via the different perspectives of several participants in the events. 2008. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

The Battersea Poltergeist- A paranormal cold case, re-investigated through a thrilling blend of drama and documentary. The true story of one of Britain's strangest hauntings. 2021. Ensemble cast. Wally Hitchings. (includes original adverts.) [complete]

The Mayor of Casterbridge- Michael Henchard spends his life trying to atone for the terrible action that led to the loss of his wife and child. But his past refuses to be buried, no matter how hard he tries to conceal it. Dark themes. 2008. Ensemble cast. Abel Whittle. [complete]

The Reckoning: The Death of Christopher Marlowe- In London, 1593, playwright Christopher Marlowe, a young writer, is stabbed in a disagreement over the bill, and the authorities find that Marlowe was killed in self-defence. History says it was just a drunken quarrel, nothing more. But Charles Nicholl thinks it was murder, and an unsolved murder never grows old. 2022. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

The Spy- Henry Wharton, a young British soldier, sneaks into No-Man's Land in civilian clothing in order to visit the family he hasn't seen in over a year. But the happy reunion is cut short when he is captured by American soldiers and must stand trial as a spy. 2012. Ensemble cast. Harvey Birch. [complete]

The Taming of The Shrew- Petruchio, after collecting money from both her younger sister's suitors and a dowry from her father, is ready to marry Katherine, even against her will. Have Katherine and Petruchio learned to love each other? Or is the marriage based on terror and deception? 1998. Ensemble cast. Grumio. [complete]

The War Master: Escape From Reality: The Adventure of The Deceased Doctor- When Dr John Watson is informed of his own murder, only the world’s greatest consulting detective can assist. He just happens to come from a different world. 2022. Ensemble cast. Lestrade/Moriarty. [complete] (included the other three parts of Escape From Reality saga; will have Parts 1-4 indicated in titles)

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz- When a tornado strikes her farmhouse in Kansas, young Dorothy is lifted to the magical world of Oz where she embarks upon a perilous journey to find her way back home. 2009. Ensemble cast. Tin Man. [complete]

Unauthorised History: The Killing- Four men have rented an upstairs room in a tavern to have a "meeting". Sometime later, a violent commotion is heard, and only three of the four men come out alive. The coroner rules that Christopher Marlowe, contemporary of William Shakespeare, was killed in self-defense. One man is not so certain, and he's determined to uncover the truth, no matter where the trail leads. 2010. Ensemble cast. Robert Poley. [complete]

Television Series

Halo- Aliens threaten human existence in an epic 26th-century showdown. 2022. Ensemble cast; antagonist. Vishner Grath. [complete]

Jamestown- 1619. Alice, Verity, and Jocelyn are among several women arrived from England, duty-bound to marry the men who have paid for their passage to Jamestown. Also arriving from England are Governor Yeardley and his wife Temperance, who will quickly discover the difficulties in both running the settlement and preventing a Company Secretary from undermining his position. 2017-19. Ensemble cast. Virginia Company Secretary Nicholas Farlow. [complete]

Torchwood- The members of the Torchwood Institute, a secret organization founded by the British Crown, fight to protect the Earth from extraterrestrial and supernatural threats. 2006. Ensemble cast. Dr. Owen Harper. [in progress- Seasons 1 & 2 posted!]

TURN: Washington's Spies- Long Island farmer Abe Woodhull bands together with a group of childhood friends to form an unlikely group of spies, The Culper Ring, who turn the tide in America's fight for independence. 2014-18. Ensemble cast. Major Edmund Hewlett. [complete]

Torchwood Audios

Corpse Day- PC Andy Davidson is very excited. It’s Corpse Day – the day when the local constabulary get help on dead cases from Torchwood. This year, he’s volunteered to act as liaison, and he knows he’s going to have a brilliant time. For Dr. Owen Harper, today’s just like any other. There’ll be bloodshed, screaming and murder. At the end of it all, he doesn’t care. After all, life’s just for the living, and he’s long dead. 2017. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Gooseberry- Andy has a girlfriend. She's called Caite, and she's utterly lovely. And then she meets Owen. Owen finds out that Caite has a secret. One that he's desperate to understand. But the more he discovers, the more dangerously close to Caite he becomes. What's going to happen when Andy finds out? 2021. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Iceberg- Dr. Owen Harper gets a call from an old friend in the middle of the night. She's got a ward full of coma patients, all of them checking in with a dead relative as their imaginary friend. Is it mere coincidence, or have they discovered a bridge between the living and the dead? 2020. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Lease of Life- 3 bed, 1 bath, shared house in a vibrant area with easy access to Cardiff city centre. Has a real lived-in feel. Note to interested parties: There is a small spreading mould issue, and an investigation is being undertaken on site. Those worried are advised to contact the Council's Mould Expert, Dr. Owen Harper. 2021. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Hope- Megwyn Jones is one of the most hated women in Britain. She used to run a home for troubled children in an isolated part of Snowdonia called The Hope. For a long time there were rumours about what was happening there, and then one day it was realised that the children had gone missing. The years have been long and hard, but now Megwyn’s dying, and she’s agreed to go back to The Hope, to reveal the horrible secret she’s kept all these years. 2019. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Last Beacon- A signal in a Welsh mountain is calling an ancient battlefleet to Earth. Owen Harper and Ianto Jones head up into the Brecons to stop it. The problem is - Ianto really loves camping. Owen? Owen does not. 2018. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

The Three Monkeys- Andy Davidson's been ordered to watch over a local businessman, and he's suprised when Owen decides to tag along on the stakeout. Andy knows it can't just be coincidence- Owen knows something- the businessman's attracted Torchwood’s attention. Tonight, the two of them are going to take him down. But will luck be on their side? 2020. Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

Torchwood Special: Believe- The Church of the Outsiders believe that mankind is about to evolve, to reach out into the stars. Owen Harper believes that Torchwood has to do whatever it takes to stop them. Mature content. 2018. Main cast! Ensemble cast. Owen Harper. [complete]

*This post will be updated as I find more content. **Quality may not always be the best due to age and/or limited availability. Will do my best to clean audio/video up, and will hopefully be able to find better quality replacements in time.

[bwaldorf]

ramasha do you have any bollywood movie recs?? 🎤

omgggg em im so honored you thought of me!! 🫶🏼🩷

tbh i've sorta been on a journey of watching more bollywood (and south asian cinema in general), since there was a huge chunk of my life where i just never really kept up with releases and was sorta discouraged from watching it so my taste isn't the Most diverse (in terms of genres and years) but i'm working on it 😭 that said, here's my attempt at giving you a lot of different options, so hopefully there's something here that strikes your fancy hehe :3

lots will be under the cut bc im a huge YAPPER.... sorry. also, some of these haven't really aged that well and are sometimes more of just a nostalgic fav and/or ones i think are iconic so... take some of these recs with a grain of salt

some of my bigger personal faves:

om shanti om (2007) — it may hit more if you have a bit more exposure to bollywood cinema and its industry bc it references it a lot, but i still think it's an enjoyable movie regardless! (yes i am biased bc this is one of my fav bollywood movies ever + a huge nostalgic fav. plus SRK and deepika padukone.. can't go wrong there!)

haider (2014) — this movie is SOOOO good! i highly rec it 💞 it's an adaptation of hamlet, set within the backdrop of the 1995 kashmir conflicts. this is actually a part of trilogy of shakespeare adaptations by the director: the other two are maqbool (2003) which is macbeth and omkara (2006) which is othello

main hoon na (2004) — another SRK nostalgic fav

ghajini (2008) — it rips off christopher nolan's memento but i think it adds a lot of its own stuff too and i have a soft spot for it 😭

andhadhun (2018)

kahaani (2012)

tumbbad (2018)

amar singh chamkila (2024)

3 idiots (2009) — the most likely one that non regular bollywood watchers will know and deservedly so imo

gully boy (2019)

hum saath saath hain (1999) — okay not objectively the best movie.. but its a hugely nostalgic and comfort movie for me and i think its great if you wanna watch something that's heartfelt and doesn't have a ton of high stakes conflict

maine pyar kiya (1989) — same as above ☝🏼 i watched this one a lot as a kid

jab we met (2007)

devdas (2002) — worth it for at least the beautiful cinematography, costumes, and gorgeous talented cast

fanaa (2006) — plot is kinda messy at times but it was a real angst machine for me as a kid 😭

photograph (2019)

sir (2018)

bulbbul (2020) — tw for a rape scene though. sorry for the spoiler but it was genuinely really harrowing for me to watch so i think its important to mention

misc other movies i've seen:

qala (2022)

dil bole hadippa! (2009) — admittedly, i haven't rewatched this one in a long time so i can't totally say it holds up. it's a rip-off of she's the man, but … better….. TO ME. yes im speaking from nostalgia bc this is the one i saw first

badhaai do (2022) — this is technically a 'sequel' to the similarly titled movie badhaai ho (2018) but they're actually total standalones

gangubai kathiawadi (2022) — i have such mixed feelings about this one but it's a movie that really stuck with me ever since i watched it soooo yeah

raees (2017) — SRK looks unbelievably fine in that movie. need i say more?

koi mil gaya (2003) — it's a mix of both ET and close encounters of the third kind... but in my very biased, nostalgic opinion: better 🫣 there's also a few sequels, but i only really remember seeing krrish (2006)

josh (2000) — another entry to the SRK looks super gorgeous in this movie 😭 this is basically a desi west side story

go goa gone (2013) — not the best to me, but its a bollywood zombie movie! which was a very new concept to me in that industry so ofc i had to throw it in there

chennai express (2013)

mohabbatein (2000)

dilwale dulhania le jayenge (1995) — had to include this for SRK reasons and also bc it's a massively impactful movie in the industry so i'd be remiss not to

andaz apna apna (1994)

ek ladki ko dekha toh aisa laga (2019)

jaane tu.. ya jaane na (2008)

aaja nachle (2007)

munna bhai mbbs (2003)

gangs of wasseypur - part 1 (2012) — i've only seen the first one in this series but if you want a somewhat slower, meditative, gangster movie this one def fits the bill

what's your raashee? (2009) — can't remember how well this ages (i think it was pretty mid?) but the concept is fun! priyanka chopra plays 12 girls: each personifying a different zodiac sign as the main guy tries to find his soulmate 😭

taare zameen par (2007) — you'll also see this listed as 'like stars on earth' sometimes

amar akbar anthony (1977)

don (2006) — villainous SRK? sign me up! he actually has multiple movies where he's this sorta antihero/"antivillain" type character. and even a few where he's a straight-up villain. i've been trying to get through all of those bc i just love his range

anjaam (1993) — an example of the aforementioned thing ☝🏼 SRK plays a genuinely terrible guy here, and i love how it actually challenges a lot of the tropes that bollywood tends to use in its romances and shows how creepy and stalkerish they actually are (despite it being typically framed in the narrative otherwise)

partner (2007) — i recently found out it was basically ripping will smith's hitch 😭 i haven't seen that one so i can't say which is better, but if you enjoyed that one, you'll probably be into this one too. it's very unserious and not the Best. but i watched it a lot as a kid

aaja nachle (2007)

roadside romeo (2008) — okay this is a very unserious, low budget animated movie rec. it's soooo so silly and dumb but if you're in the market for smth like that, this is an amusing one for that

welcome (2007) — i gotta rewatch this one bc i don't remember a lot but it seems like a lot of tomfoolery and shenanigans

my name is khan (2010) — another one i gotta rewatch for its politics but i figured i'd throw it in regardless

black (2005)

kal ho naa ho (2003)

kuch kuch hota hai (1998)

sholay (1975)

hungama (2003)

some from my watchlist that i haven't seen yet:

(as if this list needed to be any longer.... but anyways! including these bc i think they seem promising/interesting and i think they introduce More variety of genres/time periods than the ones before)

ijaazat (1987)

thappad (2020)

udaan (2010)

merry christmas (2024)

chhoti si baat (1976)

hindi medium (2017)

the lunchbox (2013) — heard LOTS of good things about this one!

lipstick under my burkha (2017)

neerja (2016)

queen (2014)

rajnigandha (1974)

kaagaz ke phool (1959)

anand (1971)

paheli (2005) — it's a mainstream bollywood remake of duvidha (1973)

baadshah (1999)

monica, o my darling (2022)

madhumati (1958)

raaz (2002)

satya (1998)

highway (2014)

oh darling! yeh hai india! (1995)

pyaasa (1957)

sardar udham (2021)

awaara (1951)

shree 420 (1957)

kaminey (2009)

mahal (1949)

chandigarh kare aashiqui (2021)

bunty aur babli (2005)

talvar (2015)

duplicate (1998)

lootera (2013)

mughal-e-azam (1960)

baazigar (1993)

trapped (2017)

fire (1996) — a hugely significant movie in explicitly showing a wlw relationship in bollywood. i believe it was the first in that regard?

stree (2018)

piku (2015)

english vinglish (2012)

umrao jaan (2006) — there's also an earlier version of this movie with the same title that came out in 1981! i haven't seen either yet so i can't say which is better

jodhaa akbar (2008)

darr (1993) — big movie for villain SRK enthusiasts if that interests you too like it does me 🤭

zindagi na milegi dobara (2011)

dil dhadakne do (2015)

dear zindagi (2016)

special 26 (2013)

badla (2019)

mardaani (2014)

raman raghav 2.0 (2016)

peepli live (2010)

drishyam (2015)

[sprinklewinkles]

im going to post my thoughts here too... Genuine thoughts to the UC changes. From my perspective. For context i own 16 ucs, that i have gotten via trades, gifts and adoption apps. My first UC, given to me as gift, to trade (which i kept) in March 2019. I have 1 VWN UC the rest are DN -> VBN name formated. To put it out there. I think im okay with this.

My UCs i havnt owned for as long some other folks around for sure, and honestly in the time that ive been trading the announcement that UCs are "coming back" in some form had been around since 2021. So my PC trading period had been spent more in the years leading upto this release vs not.

Trading for UCs was honestly a blast, ive met so many cool people and made many friends over the years. Many whom i speak on a daily basis still. Though it was tough. It was had as fuck. When you start with nothing (i joined neo my first account april 2008. 1 year after conversion) there were so many points in time where i wanted to quit and give up and just convert my UCs pound them and close my accounts. I trained like 5 pets to lv 250 1500hsd. To trade into ucs with. I timer trained with NC training cookies, had FQCs going aswell and ruined my sleep schedual for months. Just to have the quickest outcome to jump into UCs again to work toward the goal of the cat clowder. I dont regret it. And pending on the price of the NC tokens for the upcoming UCs release, i could wager i have spent more NC on training and quest cookies to BD train pets to break into UCs with VS what the tokens will cost. But i had fun doing it! And updating the friends at the time with the progress and where i was going with it!

Honestly i would never wish upon anyone to do the grind to work for an UC it was all consuming (an addictive personality doesnt help here lol) I cannot even bring myself to train pets now, like i have had Sprinkle since Nov 2019 she had lv100 and 300hsd when i first got her. I only got her to lv250 late last year. And shes ment to have been my main BD this whole time. The burnout of the grind was so real. And the struggle and obsessive hours spent trying to work toward a funny little creature. So yeah i dont wish it on anyone. I wish for it to be easier for folks to get their cool art pet, bc not everyone has been as lucky as me to get UCs.

I see alot of folks saying as soon as they get the token they will be pounding their less then VWN UCs in favour of a name they create etc. Which is so valid for starters. But idk the BN names have so much charm. And ppl talk abt UCs liking the nostalgia factor with this change, But like the nostalgia factor could also b the name too. Like SprinkleWinkles is so cute. DN by PC standards. Stinky_minky_2004 has so much funny charm but BN. I wanna know what was stinky in 04 for a kid to make this pet. Love_u_4ever like i just have the name nostalgia w them. I choose my UCs for the names first. Theyre all just funny and make me smile. But the other way is so valid too. Im not discrediting that either. And old pets get a trophy too. Im assuming if theyre older than conversion so april 27th 2007. Which isnt a bad thing!

Idk ive waffled on. But i think im happy w the change and UCs being more accessible. Esp if theyre going to be at a good price point, which a comment from tnt ivy saying she was "plesently surprised" with the price from her as a PCer player whos going to buy them. Going to be providing critical but constructive feedback on thin lined UCs as they come out though cause those will likely be the most changed UCs.

Ive been so done with UC trading for years. And im so ready to get my final 3 UC cats and complete my clowder x3 And im so ready to see other folks get their goal UCs and funky lil pets