#she's like more than 5 months and still hasn't gotten the all is well

[iveneverseenthesebowlsbefore]

The same bestie that had the crazy life threatening brain surgery a lil bit ago is now preggers with twins (!) and i’m having lots of jewish mother feelings about it!!!!!!

[thegainingdesk]

Lies

You've been lying to yourself for years.

Just a little winter weight. And when will you be losing that? It's June now, and the chub still pushes stubbornly over your belt. What will happen next winter, and your next batch of winter weight? And the next winter, and the next one?

You've done so well, following your diet. You probably deserve that treat. A couple of pints won't hurt. Diets are all fads anyway, you've got a balanced diet, that's what really matters.

You don't have a gut, per se, it's just the angle when you look down at your own body, like how no-one's dick ever looks quite so large from above. But then why do you look the same in the mirror? What about that picture, the one from your holiday, with a soft pillow of fat starting to creep out over your shorts?

Clothes are just made so cheaply these days, no wonder the crotch of your trousers have been wearing out quite so often. Fast fashion and all that. But didn't you splash out on this pair, get some proper ones in good fabric? And that pair there, haven't you only had them a month or two?

It's not noticeable, you tell yourself. But you see the looks, hear the comments. "Hasn't he put on weight?" "And he used to be so handsome." "He needs to put down the bloody fork is what he needs."

Just a bad photo, that one. It's all to do with focal lengths, and the right type of lens, you've never really understood it, but you read an article about it a while ago. She's always been rubbish at taking photos anyway, hasn't she? But then, no one else seems quite so bloated, quite so corpulent, quite so wide. And looking through more photos, you can't seem to find any that show you at your best.

The beard makes you handsome, more distinguished, more mature, it's quite trendy now anyway. It's not to hide the double chin, pooling down beneath your jawline. Isn't to mask the cheeks that can't even be called chubby anymore, no these are jowls now, sagging on each side of the face. Not to create some illusion of a jawline where your face has gotten puffier and puffier, rounder and rounder, softer and softer.

Everyone gains a little weight as they get older, don't they? But what about him? 10 years your senior and still as trim as ever. No one else your age that you know has a paunch quite so large, sides quite so soft.

Everyone gets winded on these stairs, don't they? Flight after flight, stupid to put the office there really. No one else takes 5 minutes to get to the top though. No one else is panting when they finally reach the top, hands on their knees and sweat dripping off their forehead.

300 pounds isn't even that big these days. Basically just above average at this point. The obesity epidemic, lockdown weight. You know plenty of bigger people, like… ah. Well maybe - no, he lost a lot of weight didn't he. What about- no, he mentioned his weight the other day, a good 30 pounds lighter than you. But you're sure there must be someone, who maybe you just haven't seen in a while.

You could stop whenever you want, could lose it all easily enough. Go on then. Sign up for a gym membership. Delete Uber Eats off your phone. Have a salad for dinner. But you don't. You won't. The draw of it is too much. Another 20 pounds, another 50. The feeling of a full stomach, a body imprisoned in fat, the constant expansion. It's becoming undeniable now, and yet still, you lie to yourself.

You're not really interested in that website, you're not one of those people, the other users just appreciate a man of your figure, which, you have to admit, is getting rarer amongst the regular dating apps. So what if some of the men want to see you eat when you meet up with them, you'd be eating anyway. So what if they play with the soft, supple fat all over your body while they fuck you, it's nice to be appreciated. So what if you like the feel of their hands exploring your body, the creamy lard rippling like velvet under their fingers. So what if you're finding it more difficult to cum without your face buried in a cake, a gut already full to bursting with rich food.

[pocketramblr]

Naomasa is a traitor working for AFO AU and him and Giran are a thing

hmm something like traitor naomasa or his sugar daddy giran... except something new...

1- Naomasa's father also had a truth-detection quirk, and AfO decided he wanted it. The father attempted to offer Naomasa's instead, then buy time by saying his other child could end up with it, but Naomasa's quirk is limited to activating with eyesight, and AfO wanted to be able to use it over the phone, so no dice. The father vanishes. Naomasa goes looking for him and learns what happens, with a warning to go back home and never tell his mother.

2- But his mother's husband just vanished weeks after she gave birth, and there are bills to pay. Naomasa, young and clever, thinks about his options and about how AfO apparently didn't take his father up on his offer, punish a family or force him to work to pay off the debt. Which means he probably values loyalty and wouldn't be the worst way to get money? probably? So when the kid goes back, AfO knows he's caught him, and tells him he'll pay an allowance for good grades- Naomasa could lend an ear places AfO can't get, but he needs to do well in school to get those places when he's grown up. Naomasa takes the deal, studies hard, etc, and starts as a guileless rookie with an open face and clear and uninteresting as a bit of plain glass.

3- except that is, of course, a facade. it's funny, if you frame your quirk as a truth-detector, people assume you're naturally honest. the fact that it is equally a lie-detector, and he'll have gotten at least a little more insight into every single bit of deceptive he's seen in decades does not seem to catch up to them. Naomasa doesn't ever mention a partner, they think he's simply too focused on the job, or in love with someone as equally plain and nice as him, and keeping personal life away from professional. (absolutely no one would think he'd have started teasing the manager of the villain's intelligence gathering as a dare before it got physical, then emotional. and not just because of the fact that naomasa's gathered some of that intelligence)

4- Naomasa appreciates how Giran wears his masks more naturally than Naomasa does- he's heard Giran introduce himself by a dozen different names, none of them 'real'- but all of them with a shade of truth in what Naomasa sees. His loyalty's far brighter than AfO's, and deeper than what many of their other underlings have for their sensei. Giran appreciates Naomasa's loyalty in return, and finds him amusing. After so many years, they've got a great way of knowing each other without having to say things out loud. Naomasa never asks why Giran agreed to help KD save his daughter, and Giran never asks why Naomasa had All Might ruin Six's plan to save his sister.

5- Naomasa looks so poorly when seen after Kurogiri's arrest because he hasn't heard from Giran in months but can't do much to find out more while on such a high profile case. Not that anyone really knows how to get anything out of kurogiri, so he's not obvious or anything, but he still can't leave. It'd be out of character. Finally, he gets a message- Giran lets him know he's been rescued, going to lay low a bit, heal. Concerned, Naomasa asks how the others are- but Giran says that at least none of them questioned when he said he'd be gone a few days to get something for his hands. at least he's trusted to return, if not treated like one of them anymore. more a loyal dog than a respected colleague. and that's more machia's speed anyway, not Giran's. Naomasa says that's good, and decides that though he's certainly not going to help the heroes find any locations, he isn't going to send a tip about the day the heroes plan to attack either. After all, its not like he technically works for shigaraki anyway. Giran's actually the one who's arranged Naomasa's pay since he graduated, and before that it was one of Ujiko's child minders who got thrown in the nomu soup a few years later. No one in the league is sure where Giran was during the attack at the villa but assume he must have been taken, when they spare a thought for him, and Detective Tsukauchi is missing assumed dead after the battle of Jakku.

[strawhatghost]

Strawhat headcanons based off my life experiences

Luffy licked matches as a kid

Sanji made sticks and mud and shampoo potions as a kid

Usopp has hypersomnia; except for like a month he thought it was narcolepsy because he joked about it being narcolepsy because the symptoms are word for word except for one key symptom and he made a joke about it to Chopper who went "wait..." and got worried for a month that it was narcolepsy and planning his life about it only to find out its something he's never even heard of before

Zoro has slept through a tornado before

Speaking of Zoro, Zoro has slept through his car falling into a ditch, and it getting towed out of the ditch in the middle of a snowstorm cross country

Nami used to steal from other kids cubby's at daycare and would eat those behavioral sheets teachers hand out whenever she got a bad score because throwing it in the trash didnt work because Belle-mere would still find them

Brook is a horrendous sleep walker who can unlock doors in his sleep, have full conversations, start screaming with zero recollection of it, and flick the lights on and off, along with having night terrors where'd he start trashing in the bed and had to be held down only to wake up confused on why people were holding him (he has totally jumped off ship in his sleep before)

Usopp once jumped over a closed off road for cars and went to a lake with Kaya and his friends and started to panic relentlessly and nearly start crying when a cop car pulled up and instantly thought he was gonna go to jail (he did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever and just had Anxiety)

Luffy has purposefully gotten himself lost in a mall in a different country as a kid and started crying when he realized the consequences of his actions

Franky pretended to lose his eyesight once as a kid to see what would happen and felt extreme guilt when his family started crying over him and 'miraculously' got better in the doctor's office

Robin has an intense fear of the dark that she doesn't talk about, because she's embarrassed that it was caused by a Disneyworld Lilo & Stitch ride and hasn't gotten over it even in adulthood

Luffy has once gotten jumped by five other kids for simply no reason as a kid (im talkin 5 to 6) and somehow sent all of them crying home, he has no recollection of this event but everyone likes to remind him of it

Nami still has plushies that she's stolen from a resort she was taken too once as a kid

Sanji as a kid started grilling over an open fire and did it so well that the host kept giving him more food to cook with and Sanji was having a baller time until one of his patties start to fall apart and he rushed to put it on the actual grill in the yard and accidentally pressed the hot spatula into his knuckle and now has a permanent scar (he's still miffed he got a scar from a fucking SPATULA and not the fire he was grilling on)

Continuation of Sanji getting burned; Zeff drove him around town to get ice for his burns and was ridiculously dancing to hiphop music to cheer up Sanji and distract him from the pain

Zoro once got mad that an adult was much faster than him at skating when he was a kid and started absolutely BLAZING down the street and then he slipped and ate concrete and scarred his knee so bad it was pure white and he started crying thinking his bone was sticking out (he still has the scar)

Luffy has gotten hit in the head with a giant inflatable hammer by his neighbor once (who absolutely hated his guts for some reason)

Nami ran a successful lemonade stand in her neighborhood when she was like eight, equipped with flyers down several blocks and friends to advertise (girls skating down the street, biking about the sales), the stand having more than just lemonade, chips, cookies, etc etc, not only was a big success but her neighbor got so jealous he opened a kool-aid stand directly across from her. (She made 500$)

Chopper has jumped out a two story window into some snow despite Doctorine telling him not too and got grounded for it Usopp used to put slips of paper over a lightbulb in class to 'toast it' and then ate them. He was never caught by his teacher Nami has once cut a girl's ponytail off for a chocolate bar. She did not get the chocolate bar Nami once stole a girl's hat from the lost and found and when she later saw that girl crying over it, she was HORRIFIED by the consequences of her actions she was too stunned to give it back. She still has it to this day Zoro had no clue being gay was a thing until his guy friend asked him out and he had to be sat down and told about it Robin can roll her vocal cords and pretended to purr like a cat as a kid I can't think of anything for Jinebe cause I haven't met that man yet...

[taliah-tezel]

Location: Taliah's Home. Mentions/Tags: Kaan (her father), Ayda ( her mom), Lousie (her father's girlfriend), Serkan (her Uncle), @colemonroe, @emiri-tezel, the club in general. Triggers: talks about death, grief, trauma. Summary: Taliah's father finally returns 'home' from business after months. He hasn't been home in almost an entire year and so, they have a lot to catch up on. Fatherly concern, decade-old confessions, emotional speeches and hope for the future.

"Well, better late than never." Taliah shrugs from her seat on the couch, staring at the presents now placed on the coffee table. They were supposed to be exchanged at Christmas, but at the last minute, her father had cancelled his trip and had only just gotten around to visiting. Still, it was a happy occasion, she loved to catch up whenever he came back and this time, she felt as though she had so much that was positive to tell him.

At least half an hour had gone by, she'd told him all about how her new role at the fire station was going, everything about July 4th, right down to running in and saving her friend's child. That earned a solid look of concern that was completely warranted, but she wouldn't let it take away from the fact she got lucky and actually saved a child's life. Taliah spared her father the details of her breakdown and chose to only tell him that she had been attending therapy sessions for a while now. She wasn't ashamed by it, why should she be? It takes strength to admit when you need help. That much she knew was true.

"That's all wonderful, kızım," [my daughter,] "I can see the difference in you. You look happier." Kaan nods, smiling warmly over at her. "I am happier." Taliah agrees, able to feel the difference in how she was just a few months ago. She hadn't got around to talking to him about Cole yet, saving that for last only because she knew she'd talk the most about that topic. "How long are you staying? I have the day off on Thursday. I can cook dinner, you me and Cole? It'll be nice." At least, it sounded nice in her imagination. "And Louise?" He says, causing Taliah to shuffle her shoulders in mild discomfort. "I didn't know you brought her with you." An honest comment and one that actually tracked because when he did come back here, she usually stayed in whatever luxurious all inclusive resort they'd been residing in. "She's my partner, Tali, I'd really like you two to share more than a couple of words. So, sure, I think dinner together sounds like a wonderful idea, give us all a chance to chat. You'd like her if you just give her a real chance." He speaks convincingly, and all Taliah can do is respond with a tight smile and enough grace to say "okay." Even if she didn't believe it for a second.

"It's long overdue, and I would like to catch up, especially since I haven't had the chance since you and Cole became an item." Nodding, he tried his best to smile but Taliah knew him well enough to see that something was off. "... Yeah," she mumbled. Before she could ask, he was already making an additional comment that had her mouth popping open. "I lost the bet," sighing, he leans forward to place his cup down. "Serkan and I, outside of the clubs bet, we had a foolish one between the two of us that we shook on maybe 5 or so years ago now. He bet $100 that you and Cole would get together in the next ten years. I bet that you wouldn't, I thought the two of you would just remain friends." Chuckling slightly, Taliah couldn't help but crinkle her nose a little, though she wasn't surprised there was yet another bet that happened in regards to them.

"Um, well yeah, we were friends. You know he's always been my closest friend, that hasn't changed." Even now they were in a relationship, it hadn't changed the fact that Cole was still her best friend, he always would be. "I'm a little surprised, actually, you're the first person to say they didn't see it coming a mile away." She comments, watching curiously as he shakes his head as if to suggest she's wrong. "I could see what everyone else did, I just never thought you'd act on it. The years had gone by and I guess I just assumed you were looking for someone... you know, different." Still with a polite smile, he hadn't meant any offence, but Taliah couldn't help but feel like he wasn't as happy for her as everyone else was.

"Different?" Scratching a little at her head, she shrugs her shoulders. "To be factual, I wasn't looking for anyone, period. If I was, maybe I'd have noticed what everyone else did a lot sooner, but, different?" Frowning, she shakes her head firmly. "No. He's always been everything I needed, you know how he treats me, you have seen how he cares." The way Taliah had always turned to Cole first, above everyone, her father knew the pair of them were bonded from the first time they met. "Oh, I know that, Taliah. I don't mean it the wrong way, Cole is a great man." Kaan nods, knowing it to be true, at least regarding his daughter. How could he ever forget how he sacrificed his freedom to protect her?

"He is a great man. So why is your face doing that thing it does when you're not being honest." Taliah folded her arms, finding herself just a little defensive and confused. "If you have something to say, dad, just say it." Adapting a firmer tone, she couldn't stand people who beat around the bush - whatever he was thinking? She wanted him to spit it out. Kaan sighed, knowing that tone all too well, remembering how his wife, her mother, had the exact same one whenever she got irate. "My sweet girl, I'm not saying I'm not happy for you, I am. But... As a father, I think there's a part of me that hoped that if you found someone to share your life with, it would be someone... Normal." His eyes partially squeezed shut as soon as the words came out, knowing that he hadn't really explained that the way he intended.

"Normal?" Taliah was taken aback by everything he said, but nothing stuck out to her more than that word. "Normal..." she repeated, leaning back in the chair. She knew what he meant by it, he was inadvertently saying that he wasn't thrilled that she'd chosen to share her life with someone belonging to the club. "Normal doesn't equal safe." Tilting her head to the side, a look of distant thought there in her eyes. "I thought Callum was normal. Look where that got me." Brown eyes watch as her father practically grimaces at the spoken name. "I understand why you would have your reservations as a father, but I think you're out of line. Cole, the club as a whole... They took us in like family, you know them. You know what they'd do to protect those they care about."

"I know, I know... It's just a worry, the things they do, the dangers, I can't handle the thought of you getting wrapped up in something because of how they live their lives. That's not me judging any of them, sweetheart, it's just my instinct to be concerned for you." Grappling with his own thoughts, he was trying his best to articulate exactly what he wanted to say, but he could see from the look on her face she was far from impressed. "Bullshit." Taliah scoffs. "I'm a grown woman now, I don't need your concern. Where were these instincts when I was 16? You moved us here to be with Serkan, you knew that meant the club too. You can't...." Pausing, she can't help but blow out a half breath, half laugh of pure disbelief. "You can't decide to be worried now, when that worry wasn't enough then to keep us at home and a world away from them all." Home being Turkey, that was. "What absolute bullshit, honestly." Pressing a thumb and finger over her eyes, she needed to take a minute, a breath. How could her father rain on her parade this way? Why couldn't he just be as happy for her as everyone else who loved her was?

"That's not fair, Taliah." Grumbling at her sees to her hand moving away from her face, eyes widened with surprise. "Oh, it's not fair, well fuck me, guess I didn't realise it wasn't fair. Must run in the family." Biting at him before she could even keep up with what was coming out her mouth, she would be lying if she didn't regret it. Not that it showed on her stubborn features and folded arms. "Meaning?" He asks, and she knew to expect that he would. "Meaning," a pause, a deep breath as she makes some attempt to form the words and do so carefully. Her intention was not to hurt him, but she felt so defensive right now that it was difficult to really articulate. "Was it fair for me when you uprooted us from home and brought us here? You needed your brother, don't think I don't understand that. It was just hard for me, I don't think you ever really thought about that." A slow shrug, she can see the wheels of confusion turning inside his head. "I wanted a new start for us, I..." He stops, not even knowing how to proceed, but luckily, she did. "You wanted to run away from your pain. Like I said, I understand. I never protested, but that doesn't mean I wanted the same. I just kept quiet because I knew it was what you needed, and I thought if it helped you, then it was worth it." Taliah admits. "But I was so... Isolated. We left behind everything. Everyone. All my friends, all the things that I was using to help me, it was gone, and we were here. Strange town, full of people who talked so fast I couldn't keep up. Because maybe you forgot, but I didn't have the world experience you did, nor the ability to be as fluent in this language as you were. Emiri tried her best, Serkan too, and so did Cole, but it didn't change the fact that for a long time, I didn't want to be here, I wanted to go home, and you didn't see me enough to notice."

"You never said..." His voice was quiet and his face, a vision of guilt he had never registered before. "You never asked." Taliah says, pulling in another deep breath. "Me, Serkan, the club, we made sure you kept your head above water because that's what you needed. It was Cole who did that for me, he didn't talk at me, he talked to me, with patience and kindness that helped me feel like I wasn't so alone. That's what helped me see that the entire club was doing their best to invite us into their world, into their family." Sitting forward, Taliah holds his gaze just so she can be sure he's listening. "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty... And I don't blame you, not for any of it. I just don't think you've ever let yourself think about how your decisions impacted me. The club saved your life and they certainly saved mine. So you can take your normal, and shove it. I don't need normal. I need them. I need Cole. They're my family."

"I know they are. Taliah! You've misunderstood what I was trying to say." Frustrated, he drags a hand over his face and lowers his head. Everything she'd just let spill out needed time to process. The fact she was right about it all only made him feel more ashamed than he already did. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did that to you. I... had no idea you felt so unhappy about the move. I thought it was what we both wanted. I didn't want to be there without..." He stops, even now, finding difficulty in talking about her mom. "And I just assumed you felt the same." His eyes are stung with tears, and Taliah can't help but feel bad about the way this all came tumbling out. "Dad, I don't need you to be sorry, I never did. I'm just trying to explain, because I think you need the reminder that the people you're worried about me being around are the same people you propelled me into as a teenager. The same people who helped us when they didn't have to. The dangers now were the same then, the only difference is I'm an adult now. I can decide for myself whether they're risks I want to take, and much like you, I've chosen to take them, with the knowledge that they're completely worth it. They're built differently, you know they are. Every one of those men would shield you from harm, every one of them, I could leave my drink with and know I'm not going to get spiked. They are good men at their core and I know now that being here, with them, with Cole, it's where I belong. So you can give your blessing or refuse it, your opinion really doesn't influence how I feel." Nodding her head firmly, she has to swallow the lump in her throat that threatens to show how shaken she is by her confessions. She doesn't want to crumble, she needs to be strong because this was the truth; it was her truth.

Her dad was silent for what felt like minutes, in reality, it was probably just a few seconds. "Serkan was the best man I ever knew, and back then, I didn't know what it meant for him to be a Son's founder. I knew a little, and suspected a lot, but what I knew in my heart was that he was a good man. It didn't take me long to see that the people he was surrounded by were just as good. So yes, Taliah, you have my blessing, of course you do. Maybe you forget that I too, have watched Cole grow up. And what he did for you back then, with no thought for his own consequences, it gets my highest respect. Anyone who would give up their freedom to protect my daughter is worthy of my daughter. I don't need you to tell me he's good at his heart, I can see it." Kaan breathes out slowly, keeping his eyes on his intertwined hands. "I've let you down more than I realised... And Cole never has. That's what you're telling me, isn't it?" He glances his eyes up at her with a gentle, sad yet knowing smile. "Not in such a black and white way, but yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying." Taliah whispers, not feeling great about knowing she's basically pushed her father down and gave him a kick for good measure. "You weren't the same after mom, but you did your best. You did what you had to, to survive. That's why I don't need you to be sorry. No regrets now, it worked out. I love this town now and I couldn't see myself anywhere else. The decision you made back then gave me everything I have now." Offering a smile, she feels a lot calmer now, but also incredibly sad.

"I'm still your father, I'll worry about your safety even if you were in an empty room. I really wish I could have been better for you, Tali. I'll be eternally sorry that I wasn't. More sorry for all the misery I caused you without noticing. I'm... glad you had people to help you when I couldn't." He nods, shifting in his seat. "I guess I've never shown it the way you needed me to, but you are my entire world, my child, and I'm so proud of you. I love you, Taliah, and I'm very pleased to hear that you're happier than you've been in a long time. That's all I've ever wanted for you, is for you to be happy." He stands up, gesturing for her to do the same, and she does. "I'm in town for another couple of weeks. I'd like to spend most of it with you, if that's okay? Cole too." Opening his arms out, Taliah nods silently and walks in for a hug, finally choking on the breath she was trying to steady. "I'd like that." She mumbles, for all the raw truth that had been voiced, she also felt like this was something that needed to happen, perhaps now, they could understand each other better. "I'll see when Cole is free for dinner here one night. You... can bring Louise. I don't like her, dad, but I'll be civil, only because you clearly do." Even though Taliah thought Louise only wanted him for his money, she could try to be nice. "Well, don't strain yourself too hard," he jokes, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "I do appreciate the effort to be civil. Now, can I just clarify that you mean you'll be civil in the universal sense, or civil in Taliah sense?" He teases, already to Taliah's huffy annoyance as she gives him a shove. "Be grateful I'm even using the word civil!" Frowning, they held eye contact for a couple of seconds before bursting into a laugh that felt a lot like healing. Maybe, just maybe, they were going to be just fine now.

[house-of-lovin]

Hi, well, this chapter was bittersweet. I need to reread everything because I think I may have missed some details that would help me understand the evolution of their relationship. The angst always sends me into overthinking. In Chapter 1 and 2, they were like enemies. In Chapter 3 and part of 4, they started talking and getting to know each other in different scenarios, with J's family in the mix, different routines, and some personal revelations. Perhaps a little bit of progress was made during this time, and then we reached the end of Chapter 4 and the beginning of Chapter 5, where we see all of this happening in their relationship.

I'm trying to understand J's reaction, but in all these moments they've spent together, I don't feel like J has created a space where R can open up about many things, especially personal matters. Or did I miss this in some chapter? Maybe R is not accustomed to someone caring about her on deeper levels, other than Link, and we have to consider that this relationship started as a PR arrangement.

Now, R—I understand her on so many levels. Maybe it's because when it comes to personal matters, it's difficult for her to open up. With her job and all the people always around her, R never really knows if someone is being honest or just seeking her fame, except for Link.

At this point, they don't really know each other or trust each other, which is a recipe for failure. Both of them are impatient and jump to conclusions without taking a moment to think. I know they are young, but if this is going to work, someone needs to be the wiser and more mature one, someone who can think before doing something stupid. Who will be the smarter and more mature one to make things right?

I hope this doesn't bother you. I love your story and how you write. I'd love to discuss the evolution of the characters and the meaning behind their actions and everything else.

Hello!!!! this does not bother me at all. I love discussing these with you guys!!

I'll be honest. This is my first series ever, so it's not going to be perfect and there are bound to be plot-holes or just moments of inconsistency. (In a series where each chapter, except the first, is nearly 6k words, sometimes I have to fill gaps to move on to the next scene)

You are right, J hasn't made space for R to be open and honest at all. We have to remember this is still really early on in their relationship (they've known each other for abt 2 months and have been working on their own projects throughout these months so far)

J still hasn't come to terms with her feelings abt R. The end of Coachella was the first-time she ever really felt that shift as to how she sees R.

WE STILL HAVENT GOTTEN A CONFESSION. so ofc there's that underlying secret that's weighing on each of them. that comes with insecurity abt their own feelings and their feelings abt each other and that affects their interactions. (maybe why they're so quick to jump to conclusions)

R's reaction is valid ofc. But also she does run away and closes up at the sign of an inconvenience. So Jenna's not wrong either 🤷‍♀️

I agree with someone having to step up and be the more mature one for this to work...👀🤷‍♀️

[somethinginscoutcounty]

June 5th 2024 entry in a diary by Erik Karim-Belyaev

6/5/2024

I'm finally able to write or actually do anything without being in pain. A lot has happened a lot that I don't even remember or was even conscious for. I don't know where to start or even how to start I learned all these things myself rather than remembering or even knowing it. Here I have something that can at least help.

(a section of the Scout County Weekly Newspaper dating to April 22, 2024 is glued into the journal, reading as follows)

"New word on the five young adults who went missing on a spring break camping trip in Scout Wyoming National Park last week, not returning on the day they were meant to come back. Last week on the night of the 16th one of the missing persons, Aubrey Donnely-Yang, was found stumbling around the forest area close to the more populated common grounds dazed, confused, and distressed. She was rushed to the hospital to be treated for injuries and potential effects like dehydration and starvation. However, in the early morning of the 17th, Erik Karim-Belyaev was found farther into to forest in the parts known as Deeper Green unconscious with injuries such as lacerations and broken bones along with other injuries. He too was rushed to the hospital to be treated. The remaining three, Graciela and Michael Ellis-Ramã­rez, and Francisca Lambert are yet to be found, but police, search and rescue, and locals are continuing the search for them in hopes that they can be found and rescued. Details on what happened and caused the disappearances are scarce and it's not known whether the group had gotten lost while out in the wilderness or if something else happened."

(diary continues)

So yeah. I got found in the middle of the woods nearly bled to death. I don't remember what happened to me or even what happened to us. All I do remember was all five of us taking the hike in the park to go and find a campsite for our stay and the first day of the actual vacation but after that I have nothing. The next thing I know I wake up in a hospital room hooked up to all kinds of stuff and my body hurts. Apparently, I was out for a few days and finally woke up on the 20th. I had to get a shit tone of stitches for the cuts and lacerations I had. My left shoulder was dislocated, had a broken nose, and I had two broken ribs. I had some kind of rash on a lot of my body that burned so bad and the bandages didn't help at all. I was bedridden at the hospital for weeks and still ordered to stay in bed as much as I could when I took the option to take the rest of my healing time at home where Dad could take care of and watch over me. Of course, Mama came back home leaving her work down in Brazil to see me and also help take care of me. I've been here since April since SCU allowed me to take all the time I needed to heal.

It hasn't been easy though. For a lot of different reasons. Both because I was in pain most of the time since being found and let out thanks to all the soreness and pain in my body from my ribs and the rash that I had for a while, and also because it's been nearly two months and no one else has been found other than me and Aubrey. I'm starting to get worried I've known Gracie, Michael, and Franky since middle school and high school and they mean a lot to me, so much. I'm glad that Aubrey is okay too but I haven't heard from her at all. I don't know what her condition is or how she's doing. I've been waiting for her to call or even text me but I haven't gotten anything.

Mom and Dad have been doing great at making sure I'm okay. relatives have come to see me too along with Nathan coming over too from the campus dorms since he said the dorm room feels weird being so empty now. he's brought Genie along a couple of times. I like Genie, don't get me wrong, but I don't know her too well like Nathan does but she's still cool.

I just hope everything turns out okay in the end.

-Erik

[pikku-peruna]

I wish I had never been born

I wish I had never been born because my life has never been good

When I was born my parents weren't married but they wanted to separate, so I became a ward of the state (Florida) and my dad fought 9 months in court for my custody- while it was considered the norm for mothers to always get full/most custody.

My dad got full custody though! Because that's just how bad my mother was. (I can't say how she is now, but from what I've heard she hasn't gotten any better)

Then we lived in Florida for awhile, it was normal-ish. I watched my dad get arrested when my mom refused to give me back after a custody visit because surely it was the guy with full custody who was in the wrong (fucking idiot cops) -I saw my mother snort a line of cocaine the second he was dragged out in handcuffs too. I was 4, that crackhouse is most of my memories from that age because that's how bad it was. My dad eventually found a woman online and we packed our shit and left for Texas.

There we lived in a redneck's smoke-filled chihuahua-shit-covered dump of a house with an abused green macaw that my dad tried so hard to befriend but he never got the chance to with all the smoke that poor bird was breathing in.

Then my dad and my now step mom found a shitty rental house and moved us and my step brother and sister into it. it wasn't really that good. We made do with what we had though. We couldn't go out to play with other kids so we played with ourselves in the backyard and in our "play room" with our toys and rarely watched TV. We couldn't afford videogames anyway. We had a Wii for a bit, and boy we played the shit out of it- That Play-Room smelled like a highschool football gym locker room because we only ever played Wii Sports Resort. Those were the good days- what I consider to be "The Golden Days"

Then school started. -And for some reason I was never able to handle it. I hated it. (I still hate it) Even as a 5yr old I would try to escape school and i remember trying to open the big front doors until i was left as a crying mess on the floor because I didn't want to be without my dad. I remember- that every year I would have issues. We'd move schools around alot because of my parents' work and how badly i was behaving. I was 5! 6! 7!

When I was about to start 3rd grade my babushka got cancer, and it never really hit me what that meant until it was too late. Halfway through the school-year we moved into a biiig house! (2 stories, 3.5 bathrooms, HOA neighborhood but we took what we could get) And us kids were so happy! It wasn't the house we wanted but it was what we got and we were happy- Plus my littlest sister had been born so there were 4 kids now. Then babushka died. And I had to leave a school that had all my friends and everyone I knew- and go to a new school the fucking DAY I learned that she had died. I was a wreck. I didn't cry though- my dad would yell at me for crying, so i learned to never cry- crying was weakness- my dad would give me something to cry about if i cried- crying was for little bitches.

So I didn't make any friends that year... Or the year after that... because i was in the Gifted and Talented (GT) program- so i was a "nerd" and a "smart kid" and I should've been friends with those kids, right? Well I wasn't, because I was the dumb one, because I didn't watch TV or play videogames and because i never played outside and i never went to parks or anything, how can you when your dad succumbs to the bottle and your step mom works her ass off as a nurse?

Then the dam broke- and my dad got divorced from my step-mom (i never even knew they were married)- and I had to go, because I was never her kid.

I never the night it happened too. It wasn't something where us kids were sat down and told gently- it was violent, it was scary, and it hurt more than anything. To be 8 years old, watching your own father take his car and peel out of the driveway while your step mother (the women I had grown to love over so many years of being scared to let her into my heart after losing so much) takes her three kids and leaves you in the driveway. cold. Alone.

She left me alone like that for about an hour, then she finally came back for me and took us to a neighbor's house. I didn't even know there were other kids in our neighborhood because we were never allowed out to play. I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't belong- and I don't think I ever did. (When we would go to "family's" houses it would always be my step mom's family, never my family- because they were all in Russia or scattered around the USA- or dead... and I never could relate to anybody, they were always strangers to me, and I was always scared)

I don't remember when my dad came back for me, but he did- and when he did I had to leave my siblings. And I didn't see them again for 7 years- I didn't even recognize them. They had been hurt, but their wounds were physical- from their mother's newest ex husband (not my dad)- their wounds would heal. My wounds were the words my dad would tell me. So much hate, so much anger, so much sorrow- anytime i made a mistake or fell into a bad habit it was all my fault, and then he would say he was sorry, that he would never say it again. I learned to just say ok, to say what he wanted to hear just so he'd leave me alone. All I wanted was to be left alone again, but I couldn't even have that. My sister would come over every so often because of custody dates. I hated her. She got to see the good side of my dad, my dad treated her so much better than me, she didn't have to know how badly my dad wanted to kill himself, how sad he was, she never heard how much of a failure she was when she got a bad grade or when she didn't notice the dog had to use the bathroom, but she got to see her sister, 7 years older than her- be used as the example of 'what not to do'

I hated her for 7 years because she had everything I wanted, and I still hold resentment towards her because she still has everything I want- everything I can't have.

eventually me and my dad found a rhythm, and we started to get along- then we became thick as thieves! We were inseparable! it was Pikku and Pikku's Dad against the world! All I had to do was tell him what he wanted to hear! All I had to do was lie about my dad at school- or my grades- or what I wanted for my birthday... (All I had to do was give everything up for him- All I had to do was throw everything away for him...)

At the end of 8th grade year I finally got to see my family again. As a whole- because my Dad and my Step Mom became friends again. It wasn't perfect, but it worked- but I had changed (i still have trouble with it) and I had tried to kill myself 4 times over those 7 years they were angry at each other. At school I was doing good at everything but math, because I've always been terrible at math (the numbers never made sense, the formulas always felt like a waste of time)- but I got an opportunity- the ability to do highschool AND college at the SAME TIME and finish college early!!

So I told my dad about it, and he was so happy! And it made me happy- because he would be proud of me! He would brag to the neighbors about how smart his daughter was! he would tell his works friends how he loved his daughter! No more of him complaining about me! he would finally love me! So I threw away my dreams of joining the Creative Media/Digital Art Academy- even after I got accepted to it... (It hurt to call the school and tell them I wouldn't be going...) But! I got accepted into College! I passed my entry exams! I did it! My step mom was proud of me... My dad? My dad wanted more... it wasn't enough- it wasn't enough I had to do more- I had to do more... There was nothing else to do... I had to realized that I threw everything away.

I leapt into a black-hole expecting a new world on the other side, just to be stuck in a black void of nothingness. I dreamt up this persona of my father to nurture that small hurt child in my heart- but it was never true. He was never that person. He'll never be that person.

I'm still going to College, I'm still living with my dad- now he has a girlfriend with kids (I hate them all, I have no reason to like them, they only cause issues and I don't see how he loves them like he does)

I don't know what's next for me

I'm scared

And I wish I had never been born

[hope-of-virgo]

2024

happy new year!

you can find the post i'll be referencing continually here: https://www.tumblr.com/hope-of-virgo/706484244807024640/im-currently-bedridden-as-a-result-of-hormonal?source=share

so it's a little under a year since I wrote the original, and things have surely made a change.

my (now) wife and i got married less than a month ago, in the eyes of the australian government i'm a girl, and i seem to have stumbled backwards into a management(ish) role at work.

so... about those resolutions.

stop: doomscrolling i had an amount of success on this, partially due to twitter shitting its pants and reddit having the Great Blackout and subsequent degradation of content. a lot of algorithmically sorted internet shit has done this recently, and a lot of it comes down to "we are approaching a fiscal cliff". what i have picked up from this though is that i'm enjoying learning new skills, such as fermenting and learning sql. i don't carry around a handbag project as much anymore due to some joint issues i've been having making me switch to a backpack, and doing an rsi at work.

stop: masking my autism this has definitely gotten better with my hrt progressing; i'm less afraid to be my authentic self. the hard part has been the pronoun switch and managing the mood problems that happen as a result. for those not in the know, i switched from he/they to she/they after someone at the pole studio called me "she" and i was like "huh...didn't hate that". i also generally held the view that if people weren't calling me that without being told, it would feel inauthentic to ask them.

stop: making excuses not to go to the pole studio this hasn't stopped, but it's as much to do with other factors as it is me butting heads with a number of studio members. actually getting there is difficult without driving, and due to my town growing really fast as a result of melbourne being really fucking expensive to live in, there's been a large cop presence flood in too. i'm a medicinal cannabis user for chronic pain, any amount of thc in my system meets the evidentiary burden for drug driving, and good luck getting a social work job with that on my record. i'm moving to an electric scooter this year, which should solve a lot of these issues.

keep: cooking my own meals now that my wife and i are living together, i'd already be cooking for her, so it's an easy routine to keep food in the house for the both of us. it's also getting easier to find reasons to cook my own meals since i now no longer live within walking distance of 3 different pizza shops, the cost of food has basically doubled in the last year, and my wife is getting into the "growing your own food" side of urban homesteading, which gives me lots of options to cook with seasonal produce.

keep: doing gender affirmation my op shopping buddy bounced in and out of rehab a lot this year and we actually haven't seen each other at all as a result. she reached out to me proactively at christmas as well, which is a first, so i have high hopes for that. my hair's getting longer and changing texture, and i'm fitting the form of "women's clothing" a lot better now. i'm still shit at makeup but i always feel better about myself when i do it so while fucking it up feels bad (god knows when i turned up to work having fucked up my eye shadow in like september i looked like i'd been kicked in the face), getting it right feels amazing.

keep: watching new shows and listening to new music i actually went pretty well at this i think. i had the aim of getting to 2000 songs in my spotify library, which is a 25% increase, and i think i ended the calendar year with 1990. i went to a lot more live music this year, i saw betty who, cry club, eilish gilligan, florence and the machine, aleksiah, bella amor, teenage joans, merci mercy, and waterparks. i also went to see lights' headline show in melbourne, which is a top 5 experiences of my life moment. she's been my most listened to artist for the last 10 years. when she was performing "when the summer dies" she got down into the crowd, and there was this moment where she looked at me, then ran her hand through my hair. this sounds like fanfic but i swear on my life that it happened.

start: eating more vegetables i'm doing better at this; i'm a sensory seeker when it comes to food, and vegetables are pretty boring. i also don't really like sweet food (and neither do my teeth, but that's a different story), so getting my fruit intake can be hard. i've solved the problem to an extent with pickles and ferments, and mixing fruit into yogurt as well.

start: actively reducing household waste my state has introduced bottle and can deposit refunds. we don't buy a lot of bottled and canned drinks, but it's nice to have the added incentive. we bought a compost bin with our wedding money, and i'm loving being able to find something to do with the veggie scraps. i'm looking into vertical farming gourmet mushrooms this year. we've moved to household cleaners where you basically get a "forever bottle" and fill them with refills, which you then send the bag back and they reuse it. the plastics they use as part of this scheme are also recycled from reclaimed ocean plastics, which is kind of cool. my bestie made me some beeswax wraps, and i think i've used single-use plastic wrap like 3 times this year maybe. that's not even counting the plastic savings from not buying bread from the shops anymore.

start: more longform journaling got banned from instagram for it, but that's probably not a net negative. doing longform writing when you're already doing a lot for uni can be a challenge, but i've done a bit. i've also joined the fediverse as part of the reddit exodus, and that's been a bit of fun.

start: diversifying my income sources i'm now an accredited life model, though i've actually been too busy to utilise it. i've basically retired from *~spicy accounting~* as well, because i'm having a bunch of problems even having sex in my private life, let alone doing it at work. the economic issues have also cut out a lot of my clientele, so i'm taking it as a sign from the universe that it's time to go do something else. i also decided to quit my job, which people like @tamaaya68000 and @gotouhitori have been trying to convince me to do since that one awesome time in 2021 where i tried to jump in front of a train because it seemed like a better option than going to work the following monday. fortunately there are positions open in other parts of the hospital that i'm applying for later today, and when i get my diploma i'll likely apply at child protection, who are so desperate for workers that they're promising guaranteed promotion to cpp4 within 2 years and hiring people on working holiday visas from other countries to fill the skilled workers gap.

start: interior decorating currently writing this from in the middle of a bunch of still-packed moving boxes from when i moved in like 3 months ago. it's a work in progress. i'm going to ask a friend of mine to paint me some things as some commissioned art, but beyond that i'm actually not sure what i want to do with the space.

2024's resolutions will probably come next week, but overall i'm pretty happy with the year 2023.

[vampire207343]

Mei Yue Al Ghul-Wayne née Potter

What if... James Potter gaved up on Lily Evans during their 5 year when she reject him once more. That during the summer of their 5th year both James Perseus Potter and Sirius Orion Black to magical China the whole Summer by then James got over Lily quicker than two months. They meet two beautiful pureblood witch by the name Huang Ai , Gu Lian who are bestfriend, they gotten to know one another so well that they fell in love that they have a distant relationship.

(Yang Zi as Huang Ai)

(Zhou Dongyu as Gu Lian)

While James and Sirius was in China they were learning their culture, law and language along get good at blending in with the muggles, while they were their they both learn that their home country is far behind than other magical country that they also spent catching up to study they should know by know and the girls even help them catch up by then they already has a pre-written arrangement between James Potter and Huang Ai, Sirius Black and Gu Lian they are planning to marry after they graduate in 2 ½ years later. They even learn magic that they didn't even know exist technomagic which Lian specialized in. Using a time turner to catch up to everything before they need to return to England to go back to Hogwart with the promise to stay in contact by giving them a book that thry both charm that if it wright anything it would show to twin book that boys posses and it will never run out of pages.

It wasn't long before James and Sirius return to Hogwarts by then they both stop interacting with Lily Evans which Sirius is glad about since he never like how she treated his bestfriend and they also now avoid Severus Snape all together. Which only catching Lily Evans attention and wounder why James hasn't ask her out again this year like every since they started Hogwart, but she didn't worry much not like he would ever fall out of love from her after all she's the most beautiful witch of their generation. The longer James Potter seem to ignore Lily Evans the more she seem to fall in love with him, while Severus Snape is just glad that they stop bullying him, but the only thing he didn't like was tge more Potter ignore lily's very existen the more she fall in love, which crush Severus own heart who has been in love with Lily since they first meet before attending Hogwarts.

2 years later

The 7th year of Hogwarts Graduation in the year of 1978. And Lily Evans is still waiting for James Potter to ask her out again now she has completely fallen in love with James Potter who she dream to start a family of their own but that wouldn't happen if wouldn't ask her out one more time, she waited but it never happen it wasn't long before all graduate Student of Hogwarts left their secound home for about 7 years.

A week later

Before James and Surius go back to China to get married to their fiancee surounded by their family and friends along with close family allies in attendance even Sirius own parents attend since his wife is a pureblood witch.

(Huang Ai's wedding dress)

Both couple who getting married are having a traditional Chinese wedding that both brides have red wedding dress; traditionally, on the wedding day, the bride wore a red dress and covered her face with a red veil. Red symbolizes good luck, happiness, and prosperity.

The next day on England the Daily Prophet printed the double wedding of James Potter and Sirius Black with their new wifes in China. Lily Evans saw the newspaper and she was devested to find out that James Potter the man of her dream is now married with a foreign pureblood witch, Huang Ai who came from a powerful pureblood family in china, she lost her chance to be with James if only she has given him a chance in their 5th year mabe then she would be James wife instead of this Huang Ai.

Two year later...

Ai and James Potter welcome their daughter Mei Yue Potter on June 31, 1980 since she was born a month early than expected she was suppose to be born in July 31, 1980 but Ai went to labor early. But she is born Strong and Healty, an hour after her birth she already show her first accidental magic which suprise her parents since she was just born but her parents already love her.

It's been two years since James married Ai Potter née Huang, and Lily still haven't gotten over James even after two years pass since he got married that she end up drunk and had a one night stand with Remus Lupin an old friend of James Potter in doing so concived a son that she wasn't expected especially since she's still single. She give birth to a son, she name Michael James Lupin on July 31,1980. By that time Remus already lost contact with both Sirius and James who move out of England.

Lily Evans always dream of having a son with James that would look like his father with her green eyes and she would name him Harry James Potter but that would never happen since James married a pureblood witch and she named her newborn son after her father Michael while Remus gaved him James name as a middle name and he look nothing like the son she dream she would have with James, because Michael look more identical male version of Lily herself and look nothing like his father Remus Lupin which Remus is glad that his son didn't inherited the werewolf curse.

On October 31, 1981

The Longbottom family are attack by the darklord and both Alice and Frank Longbottom died protecting their son Nevile Frank Longbottom who Dumbledore declared as the Boy-Who-Lived. In the will of both Alice and Frank it stated that Lily would take their son Nevile until ge enter Hogwarts when turn 11 years old. She did so Lily raised her Godson Nevile Longbottom and Michael Lupin in the muggle world for 10 years before Nevile start loving with his grandmother.

10 years later... in the year of 1991

Recently Richard "Dick" Grayson lost his memories and every since then Damian Wayne who is the closet to his eldest brother than anyone else felt like a burden to his father and not wanted left Gotham since his father Bruce hasn't even accpet him and he didn't want to go back to his mother so he decided to lived alone in China and leaving his life as Robin behind.

And continue his study of magic and start attending Fenghuang School of Witchcraft and Wizardry which is founded in 1600 BCE. It is located on the top of Badaling Mountain in Beijing, China. And continue his life that school is where he meet Mei Yue Potter a pureblood witch like himself who became his first friend. He is one of the best sword user in school along side Mei Yue Potter who is taughter by her mother Ai Potter née Huang and Lian Black née Gu who was the best Sword user of their generation.

Damian Al Ghul-Wayne son of the pureblood witch Talia Al Ghul and the squib Bruce Wayne who lived all his life in the muggle world never knowing his family secret being born a squib not that he had a chance to know since his parents died while he was a young boy and was raised by their family butler who happen to be a squib.

5 years later in the year of 1996

Mei Yue Potter and Damian Al Ghul-Wayne are now 16 years old and graduate Fenghuang School of Witchcraft and Wizardry a year early than their class mate by then they been together for 5 years now and Mei Yue Potter has grewn more beautiful each year. After graduating Mei decided to get a job as a part time nurse in China and created her own fashion Empire known as Zhar.

Zhar became well known fashion Empire in just two years since Mei Potter created her Fashion Empire on her own from the ground up, it's well known in both Wizarding World and Mundane World

Their chosen occupation both Mei Potter and Damian Al-Ghul-Wayne are very successful Damian became the Head Auror theat works in both the Chinese Ministry of Magic and the Mundane World.

On March 7, 1998

Lord Damian Al-Ghul-Wayne propse to his girlfriend Lady Mei Yue Potter after dating for 7 years on march 7, 1998 in front of all their family and friends and she said "Yes".

1 year later.... on June 7, 1999

"I, Mei Yue Potter take you Damian Al Ghul-Wayne, to be my husband, to have and to hold on from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poor, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." Mei Yue said while looking deeply in Damian's emerald jade green eyes.

(Mei Yue Potter's wedding dress)

The Ministry of Magic glanced at Damian who began speaking letting a nervous chuckle out, "I, Damian Al Ghul -Wayne, take you Mei Yue Potter, to be my wife, to have and to hold on from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

" by the power of Lady magic, I pronouce you husband and wife, you may now kiss your bride" the look at each others eyes before kissing pouring all their love for one another in that one kiss.

By the time they got married they were both already 19 years old that year a year older than when Mei's parents married one another.

In Gotham

The bat family has been looking for their youngest brother Damian Wayne for about 8 ½ years since Damian run away from home during the time the eldest son Dick Grayson lost his memoriest they all have been trying to find him after they got Dick memories back, every since but he covered his tract to well after all he was a former assassin so should have expect for him to know to cover his tract. Damian Wayne also miss Dick's wedding 2 years ago with his girlfriend Kory. They all have search many country to the wear about of Damian but it was a dead end they even look for him to see if he went back to his mother but he wasn't their as well.

Back in China

2 months after Mei and Damian Al Ghul-Wayne came back from their Honeymoon, Mei Yue Al Ghul-Wayne find out she's pregnant with her husband's first child. Which their family and friends congrasulated them.

In the caming months they have been deciding what name they give their future child if it's a girl they wanted to name her Marinette Ai Al Ghul-Wayne but if it's a boy they decided to name him Rigel James Al Ghul-Wayne.

5 years later... In December 7, 2004

The bat family finally manged to located their youngest Damian Wayne in China by then he was already married and already started a family of his own have a son and daughter who are the same age as Dick's own daughter Mar'i Grayson.

They manged to gained the forgiveness of Damian wayne and get to know his wife Mei Yue Al Ghul-Wayne née Potter. And get to know their niece and nephew.

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen [chapt. 6]

[Donnie x reader]

sfw, chapter 5 here

Come on, save it, save it, Donnie chanted to himself later that night, at home and tucked away in his room trying to figure out how to neutralize the situation. He paced along his bed back and forth, phone in hand as he wracked his brain thinking about how he'd get her to let it go. He could tell her that she was...overtired? Go the stereotypical route and say it was just her eyes playing tricks on her? Try to play it off as human teenagers messing around on the roof?

She'd gone to bed already. He hated that he couldn't pursue the subject until morning, her morning, but by then, he'd be tired. When she woke, he slept. But he needed to get it resolved as quickly as possible, so he reckoned it was time to pull an all nighter. Luckily, that wasn't anything he wasn't used to.

He figured he'd get the preliminaries out of the way so he could get right to it when she eventually texted back.

"Good morning

I know you're not awake yet but I figured I'd get an early start today.

I want to know, what exactly did you see last night?"

He shut his phone off and set it down on the bed, fingers rubbing his temples. Depending on her answer, this would either be difficult, or near impossible.

The rest of his time was spent just waiting around for her to finally wake up, dodging all his brothers and trying to occupy himself with something. He was fiddling with the radio he kept on the floor next to his bed when his phone notified him of a message. Turning the volume up, some old-school rock played softly. He didn't always keep music on when he worked, which was what he was doing felt like, but something needed to fill the silence. It also made it feel more casual to have the radio on, for both himself and for whoever might stop by his room.

"Good morning to you too

That was...sudden??"

How nice it was to read those words coming from someone who wasn't his family. Not that they said it like that often anyway, but the small gesture hit differently.

"I'm just really curious about what you said you saw."

Curious? Not quite. More like dying to know, and not because he fancied himself some cryptid hunting.

"That's fair I guess

But don't laugh, ok?"

"I'd never, [y/n]"

"Well

Okay

They were big

But no like not the overweight kinf, not even just 'tall guy' kind of big

kind*

You know?"

Yeah, I aware. I'm 6'8" and have a giant shell on my back.

"They?"

He was hoping she'd only seen one of them. Maybe it would have been easier, but, of course, that wasn't the case.

"I think there were two

Idk it just looked really weird, it was dark but the silhouette from the light made them look bulky, I don't know what it was"

Lips pursed tight, he looked up from his phone, and all of a sudden that music in the background was suffocating. He quickly reached over and shut it off. He needed to be able to divert all of his attention to one thing. Except, even though he should have been spazzing over her spotting them (even if just for a split second), a concern crept up in the back of his mind that made him scoff at himself. The need to know was too great.

His eyes fell on his scaled, three-fingered hand as he typed.

"Did it scare you?"

Perhaps it wasn't what he should have been focusing on. But he was. He knew she hadn't seen much, but what if she quipped that it was frightening, or gross, or…?

"I don't know, Bo

I guess it was kind of freaky

Uh, do you actually believe me? That I saw something?"

"'Freaky?'" he repeated to himself in a whisper, brow ridge furrowed. What was I expecting?

He had to shake himself of whatever was going on in his head at the moment, because there were more pressing matters at hand. Like what he was going to answer her question with. Theoretically, he could go two routes; one, invalidate the experience and try to walk on the line of telling her that it was not real without making her feel crazy. And then probably get mad at him. Or two, go along with it, if he didn't have the heart to do that to her. The answer was already here; he let out a deep sigh. Two, it is.

Nothing could make him want to make her feel that way, even if it meant he'd have to put in a little extra effort in fixing his mistake.

"I wouldn't doubt your judgement, [y/n]."

"Thanks

That makes me feel a lot better

You're a really good guy, Bo :)"

Freezing, he sat and stared at the screen before slowly taking the phone away from his face, lips moving, but no sound coming out. He had no idea what to say; all he could focus on was the fact that the girl he undeniably liked thought he was a good guy. And that, presumably, it meant she might have liked him as well. Big on the "might", he realized as the logical part of his mind took over once again. Regardless, he licked his lips and got to preparing a worthy response. He didn't want to come off as flustered as he felt. Donnie was aware he was not particularly suave—he took solace in the fact that she couldn't see his face or hear his voice. He contemplated on acting a bit more "cool guy" than he actually was, but wanted her to like him for him, not a facade. Which was a major contradiction to all that he had done up to that point, but the least he could do was be the person he was on the inside!

"You there?"

"Sorry, I got distracted…

You really think so?"

"That I think you're a great guy?"

"Well...yes."

"Totally. 100%"

His heart was going, he was stammering to himself, and a new feeling enveloped him. He was no stranger to the different emotions; he'd gotten familiar with many of them. Because though he didn't always show it, he had a lot of feelings. These, he felt most viscerally. But he had to get back on track. If he could push last night's incident under the rug, all would be well. More well than it already was, considering.

"Thank you, [y/n]

To be honest, I've never had a friend like you

So, do you want to talk more about what you saw? I know I'm switching tracks quickly, it's just very….interesting."

It was a jarring and awkward subject change, he knew that, but he desperately wanted to get it out of the way. The sooner, the better.

"I suppose

You seem pretty interested in it"

Maybe she wasn't hanging onto the experience like he'd thought she would. There were so many tales of people seeing inexplicable things and becoming enraptured by the experience that he guessed he should only expect the worst, but it appeared that she was not so obsessed. Crisis averted?

"Not too much, I was just wondering

We can forget about it."

"Oh, I'm not going to forget about it, Bo"

There it is, he thought, not surprised.

After thirty minutes of attempting to throw her off without coming off as suspicious himself, he had to take a breather, reorganize his mind. Only to come back and find that she had to go take care of things, and that she'd talk to him later. He'd done as much fixing as he could; at that point, it was as good as it was going to get. The thought of being looked for by his unknowing friend loomed about in the coming weeks as they did their patrols, when they would pass by her residence, and the times that he snuck off to stop by himself. Sometimes accompanied by Mikey, but he tried to keep it as solitary as possible. Soon, watching her on her balcony from that roof became part of his routine. He vaguely thought sometimes that watching her like that could be considered creepy, but that ship had already sailed.

For the third time in the last month he was there yet again, on the same roof, watching the same balcony, watching the same girl. Sometimes they texted, sometimes they didn't. The times he wasn't talking to her as he sat there were the times he daringly crossed the threshold onto the fire escape. There were only a few instances of that. But did he still feel out of his mind doing so? Yes. The window only looked into part of the living room and kitchen, but he felt scandalous to do it. Most of his time there was spent only with his shell against the wall next to the window, just out of sight. He could always hear her faint but noticeable footsteps coming and could easily vault the railing and climb up or drop down. She couldn't get past his keen hearing unless she knew to tread lightly.

Mikey was with him once again, this time out to look for scrap rather than patrol. He'd been buddied up with his younger brother more often ever since their talk that night in Donnie's room. They only stopped by because they were already out and had a viable excuse.

"Does she know about us? Like, me, Leo, Raph..." rambled Mikey, curious, as he practiced one of his new moves with his skateboard. He kicked up onto the ledge of the roof and skidded before hopping off, tucking the board under his arm. "You guys have been together like, what, two months? And she doesn't even know your name."

Fiddling with the strap reaching around his shoulder, Donnie replied matter-of-factly to hide the embarrassment that was ailing him at the thought, "Okay, for starters, we're not 'together'. And secondly, she hasn't mentioned voice chatting in a while."

"And?" He got back on his board, zooming by Donnie.

"My name? It just hasn't come up," Donnie shrugged.

"Call her, then!" Mikey smiled, still preoccupied with his board and trying out his new tricks. Donnie gave a light scoff and shook his head. His brother passed behind him where he sat leaned against the water tower.

"I don't want to just call her out of nowhere, Mikey, she might be asleep."

He also didn't want his brother there when he did.

"You gotta not be so shy!...oh, look, in the window. Right there. See? She's up," he quipped with a small smirk. The curtain was drawn, but the light had turned on at some point, and they could see her silhouette moving past. Donnie looked over his shoulder to say something but felt a hand slip into his pocket on the other side, stealing his phone right off of him. He was fast, but Mikey was faster in jumping into his board and gliding all the way to the other side of the roof with the fussy turtle hot on his trail.

"Mikey, quit it!" Donnie barked, lunging toward him for the phone.

"You'll thank me later!"

The two wrestled for the phone, Mikey holding it just out of reach as he tried to navigate the screen without dropping it.

"Come on," grunted Donnie as the tussle led them near the edge, where Mikey held it precariously over the alley below. His glasses were jostled off his face when a stray hand bumped them, causing them to fall amongst their feet. Squinting, he partially knelt down and searched for the pair while still looking at his brother and his phone, trying to stretch his arm long enough to snatch it. "Really?" he groaned, "just give me the phone!"

Donnie slung out his staff and used the other end to whack his wrist from underneath just as he pulled away from the edge, losing his grip on the phone. Mikey tried to catch it but it bounced off his hand, going right over the side of the roof and plummeting down into the alley.

Mikey froze. Donnie finally found his glasses.

Laughing nervously, Mikey turned back to him, "Whoops…"

When he didn't immediately find the phone on the ground, Donnie knew what happened. He looked over the edge, and there it was, sitting on the pavement in the alleyway. The building wasn't incredibly tall, but enough to do some major damage. He'd have to switch for one of his spares if he didn't want to deal with a busted-up screen.

"I don't need your 'help', Mikey, so leave it alone next time," Donnie said and gave him a narrow-eyed look, huffing as he leaped down to retrieve it.

Mikey may have been insistent, but he knew then it was time to stop. All he wanted to do was help. For his shy, flakey brother to come out of his shell (no pun intended). Donnie, at that time, had the biggest shot out of all of them for something unique and good. He hadn't yet worked out the logistics of how to bridge the gap between the two, but it was a calling of his to help him along.

Donnie watched for people from behind a corner before creeping out to get the phone, which was face down on the concrete. No doubt cracked to all hell if not completely shattered, though it did have a case.

But as he got closer, he heard a voice. From the phone.

He picked up the phone timidly and shot a glance up at the roof, where Mikey was peeking over the edge in apprehension. Without a word, Donnie activated the taser in his staff, pointing it at his brother and zapping it briefly. He flinched and retreated out of sight.

"Hello?"

"Hello? Bo?" she asked again, tone riddled with confusion. "What was that?"

"Uh, yes—hol—hold on, please," stammered out donnie, flying around the corner and pressing flat against the wall as a group of laughing people passed by the alley. "Just one second," he said nervously. Above him, Mikey was rapidly motioning for him to get up there, eyes wide and body trying to stay low. Baffled, Donnie gestured back at him, mouthing at him to keep his pants on for one more minute while he made his way up.

"Hey, what's going on there?" she inquired, concerned.

A street cat abruptly skittered out from between his legs from the dumpster he stood next to, and he had to stifle a startled yelp. He hopped up onto the nearest fire escape, trying to control his breathing. "Hey, hello…[y/n]," he half-chuckled, distracted by working up the building one-armed as he kept as quiet as possible.

"What was all that? And who's 'Mikey'?"

There was suddenly a shout—Mikey's shout—and his stomach did a jump. He sputtered as fast as he could, "I'm sorry [y/n] but this really isn't a good time, and I mean it really isn't," he pulled himself up onto the roof, and there was Mikey, fending off men clad in black, "so I have to go, but—"

"Don, dude! I need help over here!" cried his brother, sliding out of the way as a sword was jabbed towards him. He countered with a harsh uppercut to the man's chin, sending him stumbling backwards. The blade fell to the concrete with a clank.

"'Don'? Bo, what the hell?! Who is with you? And—"

Donnie jumped into the battle, a mix of nine or ten armed men with swords other weapons, and Mikey trying to stave them off, swinging his chucks with nothing short of reckless abandon. But he still didn't hit himself with them.

Ending the call, he secured the phone in his pocket. He wailed the guy closest to him in the side of the head with the heavy staff, then kicked him in the chest. The man fell to the blow, and Mikey ducked underneath the length of Donnie's weapon just in time as the two came together. Stray bullets flew past them, some colliding with their shells as they spun around for protection.

"How was it?!" Mikey yelled over the clamor, breathless. Donnie sidestepped from the rapid hit he sent towards the human to his left.

"What are you talking about?!" Donnie loudly questioned, flummoxed of what could have been going on in his brain during a fight. "We're kind of in the middle of something here!"

"Your phone call!"

"Yeah, the hell's the talkin' about, Don?" a gruff voice cut through the jumble.

Both of the boys whirled around to see their older brothers there, weapons drawn.

"Oh, right. As soon as I saw those bad guys coming, I let them know," said Mikey casually to Donnie, throwing his fist into the face of the man coming up behind him. "You know, standard biz."

With the rest of the team there, the fight was over twice as fast. Some groaning in pain and some unconscious bodies littering the area, along with their weapons. Leo finished the last one and sheathed his swords, eyes on their tallest brother while Raph kept watch around them. Donnie swallowed as Leo approached him.

"Don, you said you were going out for scrap metal," Leo stated.

In the background, Mikey grabbed his skateboard and was going to try to kickflip over one of the knocked out guys, but Raph yanked the board from him, growling. He checked all of the men to make sure they were down and would stay down.

"We were...just on our way back?" Donnie answered. Nearby, there was a small pile of scrap he'd collected, though definitely not enough to justify being out that long.

"So you stopped at your friend's place?" Leo deadpanned, crossing his arms. "Didn't you think that this could get her in trouble, too? Her apartment's right there, dude!"

Mikey budded in and corrected him, "Ah, we stopped by [y/n]'s. And nah! It's all good."

Donnie's face twitched. "Of course I thought about it! That's why I've only come here three times since, and only thirty minute intervals!" he bit back, throwing his hands up. The rest of his brothers all looked at him and his specificity. "I'm not naive, Leo."

The leader pushed past the both of them, signalling that it was time to leave, and they followed. Not before Donnie got what little metal he had collected and put away his staff, tucking the stuff under his arm. Raph joined alongside Donnie as they ran. "What's with all the secret' stuff, Don? First, ya hide it to begin with, then, ya make out like you were done, and now you get jumped by Foot guys by her place when you shoulda been gettin' scrap!" he said. "How were we supposed to cover for ya if you're lyin' even after we let you off?"

"Technically, I did get some!" Donnie remarked. He held up a piece of the scrap for him to see, and Raph snorted. "But..."

Well, his question would be a little harder to answer.

Next block was the nearest manhole, where each turtle swiftly jumped in, knowing by heart (and years of wandering) most of the sewers and the way back home. In some tunnels was Mikey's telltale graffiti, but it was scattered throughout the place enough to not be a giant arrow to their hideout. In the last portion of the run was the tunnel they always slid down, and once they were actually home, Donnie knew what was coming. Master Splinter was already waiting for them by the time they arrived.

"Uh-oh," Mikey said upon seeing him, sinking behind his brothers. Raph pushed him back up front.

Dropping the scrap in his arms, Donnie squeaked, "That's not good." He quietly cursed how high pitched his voice became when he was nervous.

"Yeah…" Leo cleared his throat, looking down at his hands clasped in front of him. The situation had an awkward tension for everyone in it, save for Raph, who was immune to it by then and Splinter himself. "We took care of the soldiers," he added more seriously. "Got out of there before too much attention was drawn.

"The police may be able to handle them from here, but it will not make a dent in the Shredder's forces," explained Splinter, grave as he paced along the line of brothers. "He owns the city. Until I say so, there will be no venturing to the surface. You are all lucky to be unharmed."

"That ain't it," Raph piped up. "But they'll be bringin' the big guns, next time."

"Oh, I am well aware."

"Um...of which thing?" the nervous turtle questioned, exchanging glances to Raph and then Mikey.

Splinter raised his brows knowingly, and that was all it took for Donnie. The floodgates of his signature anxious chatter opened. He grabbed the edge of Mikey's shell and pulled him over into the spotlight with him, "I met someone over an online game and we started texting after a few weeks, and—and Leo found out and I said I would stop, but we never told you," he gestured toward their brother in blue, who refused to make eye contact, "so I told her that it was through and then Mikey somehow convinced me to go back on it," he sucked in a breath, and Mikey grinned uncomfortably, "and then we started talking again and I don't know why, but I went back there to her apartment building and it was just…stupid."

There was a cumbrous pause. Donnie was stiff as a board, Mikey couldn't look at any one thing too long, Leo stood in his polite but awkward stance, and Raph started to whistle.

As poised as ever, Splinter spoke. "I know."

All four pairs of eyes shot to their father.

"What?"

"Uh..."

"Huh?"

"Wait."

They expressed their collective confusion at the same time, and Splinter chuckled. Donnie wanted nothing more than to be able to retreat into his shell, but that was physically impossible. "Nothing gets past me, especially not you and your nervous habits, Donatello. You are scratching that spot on your neck again, son."

Flinching, Donnie pulled his hand away. He'd be damned; Splinter was right.

But unbeknownst to them, there had been spectator of their fight on the roof that night.

————————————————————————————————

shh do not think too deeply about this my children

a/n: haha plot device go brrrr

i need to finish this cursed fanfiction

[1dfangirls35]

The Language of Your Soul

An enemies to lovers Ballet AU in 5 Acts

Masterlist

Act I

A/N:

First of all, thank you so much to @booksncoffee for the absolutely gorgeous banner!

I am so excited to share this story with you all! Inspired in part by a night rewatching Center Stage on Netflix and from years of ballet classes, I hope this AU brings a new twist on Harry fics (and maybe even helps you gain a new appreciation for the world of ballet). Please note, while I have used my own 10+ years of classical ballet training in addition to research on this topic to hopefully make this as realistic as possible, this is still a work of fiction- and some details may have been changed to better fit the constraints of the story. The companies mentioned in this fic are real, however this story and its characters are entirely works of fiction. On a more personal note, while I have chosen to publish this story now and believe I will be able to maintain weekly updates to its entirety, I am preparing to take my boards in less than four weeks. Should I not update as scheduled- please be patient and know that an update is only a few weeks away! :) Thank you so much for reading!

Warnings: This story will contain language, mentions of emotional abuse from a parent and eating disorders. Please read at your own discretion.

Ten Weeks to Opening Night

Albert Einstein once said, "dancers are the athletes of God." Giselle Mason certainly doesn't feel like pne of God's athletes at the moment. Not with the way her muscles are screaming with every movement that she makes as she stretches before class, not with the way her right hip cracks as she lifts her leg onto the bar, and certainly not with the way her feet sting as she tapes up yet another blister on her toe before shoving her foot into her pointe shoes for another day full of torture.

Giselle stands, sticking one last bobby pin into the bun of her nearly ebony hair and finding her spot at the front of the barre in the center of the studio. She grasps the wooden cylinder with her left hand before releasing her body in a forward bend, taking a deep breath in and then a deep breath out. There is a familiar ache in her hamstrings as she begins to stretch, which loosens ever so slightly with every breath.

And so begins her daily morning routine in the studio. Fifteen minutes of stretching before company class begins. Relaxing each hamstring, hip flexor and spinal muscle until a sense of calm washes over her body. Letting her mind drift into a thoughtless focus, preparing itself for the waves of choreography that would be coming in minutes. Typically, this time is quiet; the only melody present the rhythmic breathing of company members preparing for class. But today, the studio seems to be filled with an underlying buzz. And Giselle doesn't have the slightest idea why.

"I heard he slept with the artistic director's wife, so they kicked him out of the Royal," she hears one of the new corps de ballet members murmur.

"I mean have you seen him, I don't blame her for getting her hands on a piece of him," another girl giggles.

"Did you hear, G?" Caleb, Giselle's friend, whispers as he slides into a spot on the barre behind her, adjusting the black bandana keeping his signature black curls in place across his forehead.

"Hear what?" Giselle asks, removing her leg from the bar before reaching down to adjust the black leg warmer that had fallen down her calf.

"They've hired Harry Styles- you know from the Royal," Caleb adds as if Giselle hasn't heard of Harry Styles. Everyone who was anyone in the ballet world had heard of Harry Styles. A good chunk of the non-ballet world might even be able to point him out as that 'sexy male ballet dancer' from the Sports Illustrated nude edition.

Harry Styles was a rare kind of natural talent. The type of person that was put on this earth to dance ballet. His talent had landed him the honor of being the youngest person to be named a principal in the history of the Royal Ballet. And if the rumors were true, that talent had also landed him the reputation of one of the ballet world's most arrogant. Giselle had heard several stories about how the male dancer had been a terror to work with- demanding, rude, uncooperative. Giselle didn't doubt it- people of that skill and fame rarely developed without some sense of entitlement.

"Why would we hire Harry Styles, we've already got Viktor?" Giselle questions. This isn't the first time a rumor has circulated through the American Ballet Theatre company, and it certainly won't be the last time. 

"Rumor is they want Viktor to retire," Caleb shrugged before stepping back to his place behind Giselle as Mistress Ivanova claps to gain the class's attention.

Giselle couldn't believe the rumors. Viktor Dmitri retiring from ABT? He was practically the face of the company. The man had been dancing for the American Ballet Theatre for over a decade. He'd been the principal ever since Giselle had joined the company as a corps de ballet member five years ago. 

Giselle knew that retirement came early for a ballet dancer. Her own mother, the famous Natalia Korsakova, had retired at the age of 33 after a knee injury. Viktor had just turned 35, but he'd shown no signs of slowing down. She refused to believe that he was calling it quits. Or to believe that the board would be stupid enough to bring in someone with Harry Styles's toxic reputation into the company.

She shoves the thought aside. Viktor is in his usual place at the back of the studio and Harry Styles is nowhere to be seen. This was simply another piece of gossip threatening to distract everyone from the Swan Lake auditions tomorrow afternoon, and Giselle won't lose her focus. The auditions are too important.

Giselle Mason has dreamed of playing the role of Odette/Odile ever since she first watched her mother on stage at the age of four. It was one of her earliest memories of the theater- her mother twirling about in a bright white tutu that at that time Giselle could only dream of wearing. In fact, Giselle wasn't sure there had ever been a moment where her dream hadn't been to be a principal dancer at ABT, like her mother. She'd been in ballet shoes from the second she could walk, wore a leotard and tights more often than she'd worn pajamas, and didn't recognize herself in the mirror if her hair wasn't pulled back into a bun. She'd ate, slept and breathed the art form. But she supposed that all came with having a prima ballerina as a mother.

Natalia Korsakova was a ballet sensation. "One of the greatest to have ever danced," according to the New York Times  at the time of her retirement. The world had come to watch her dance and she'd traveled it performing: Russia, Australia, London, Paris. You name the location and Natalia Korsakova had danced there.

When Giselle was growing up, she was constantly told how lucky she was to have Natalia as a mother. To have seen the shows she's seen, to have met ballet royalty, to have traveled the world. But Giselle never felt lucky. Not when she was the accident that put her mother's career on hold for almost a year. Not when her mother was gone for months at a time performing, missing recitals, parent days and school concerts. And certainly not when an injury forced her mother into retirement, shifting her focus from her own artistic talents to turning her daughter into her next protegee.

Much to her mother's dismay, Giselle was not the younger version of her mother. She was good, great even, but she was no sensation. Giselle made soloist in her fourth year at ABT, which was a feat all on its own, unless you compared it to her mother's two. Giselle lacked the raw, natural talent that her mother possessed. Instead of her mother's high arches, she had her father's averagely flat feet. Instead of her mother's uncanny ability to match the music, Giselle had spent hours counting eights in her head to get down a rhythm. Instead of looking effortless the first time she ran through a routine, Giselle spent hours in the studio after rehearsal, running through the choreography until it wasn't possible for her to get it wrong. Giselle had gotten to where she was because of her hard work, not her natural talent- something her mother would never let her forget. To Natalia Korsakova, Giselle would never measure up.

The Swan Lake auditions are Giselle's first real shot at landing a lead, especially with principal dancer Anna Elliot out with a back injury for the foreseeable future. Giselle wants this role more than anything. To prove to herself that she is capable of  following in her mother's footsteps. And to prove to her mother that she is just as capable a dancer as she. For once in her life, she wants to hear her mother say not that she'd lost her spot or forgot to point her toes, but that she was proud of Giselle. Four words- that's all Giselle really wants.

"And will start first position, demi, demi, grand, demi and port de bra. Repeat in 2nd, 4th and 5th and then balance in fifth position arms in fifth," Mistress Ivanova barks, before gesturing to the pianist to begin.

Giselle focuses on her movements as the music begins. She tightens her core, elongates her neck and reaches her fingertips to the edges of her silhouette. Her legs quiver slightly as she bends her knees into the first grand plié, her mind focusing on maintaining her turnout.

"Relax that face Giselle," Mistress Ivanova corrects, as she makes her way around the room. "I don't want to see that this is work."

Giselle takes another deep breath, this time releasing her lips from their concentrated place and focusing on her breath. She lets the downtown Manhattan studio disappear from the background. Gone is the distant honking of impatient taxi drivers maneuvering their way through the New York City traffic. Gone is the light shining in from the full-length windows looking out at the city skyline- well what you could see of the skyline behind the crumbly brick building neighboring the school. There was nothing but the dancer, the barre and the music flowing gently through her veins.

"Beautiful lines Teagan, thank you," Giselle hears Mistress Ivanova say from across the room and she fights the urge to roll her eyes. Giselle has known Teagan Davidson since she was fourteen years old, when Teagan had moved from California to New York to join the ABT school. Over the course of a decade of competing for roles, partners and teacher's praises, the two had developed quite a rivalry. To Giselle, there was almost no better feeling than snagging a role that she knew Teagan also had her eyes on.

Giselle uses Teagan's praise as motivation to work harder, feeling the burn in her inner thighs as she pushes further into her grand plié in second. The role of Odette/Odile was hers, Teagan would have to settle for understudy.

The class is in the middle of their balance, Giselle's focus locked in on a spot just at the edge of the window at the rear of the studio when a loud bang reverberates through the room. Dancers drop their balance and turn their heads, looking to see who has caused such a commotion with their entrance.

"Mr. Styles, you're late," Mistress Ivanova snaps.

He is taller than Giselle imagined, and even from this distance she can see the definition in his arms through the black tank top that clings to his body. His hair is slightly disheveled, curling at the top. His face plastered into some cheeky grin, dimples present on both cheeks, like he knows exactly what he's doing, interrupting class like this. Almost like he's enjoying the attention. He throws his black messenger bag to the side before grabbing his ballet shoes and scurrying over to an open spot at the barre near the front of the studio.

"My apologies," he replies in a thick British accent. His tone sounds anything but apologetic.

"Damn, he's even better-looking in person than he is in magazines," Caleb mutters under his breath, eliciting an eye roll from Giselle.

"Well, I suppose after that entrance," Mistress Ivanova sighs, stepping to the front of the class. "Now is as good of time as any to announce that Mr. Styles will be joining our company as a principal dancer."

Gasps fill the room, and Giselle turns her head to look at Viktor, whose face is stoic after Harry's entrance. A low chatter fills the studio, everyone trying to figure out exactly what is going on. Would he get the lead in Swan Lake? Would he be understudying Viktor?

"Silence!" Mistress Ivanova shouts. "This chatter can wait until after class is over!" She turns to face Harry, her lips turned into a stern frown. "If you'll find a place at the barre Mr. Styles, we will continue our class."

Giselle watches as he slides into a spot at the front of the room, shooting a grin at the young company member behind him. Giselle rolls her eyes, returning her focus to the mirror in front of her. Two minutes with the company and she was sure Harry Styles was exactly who she thought he would be.

Giselle tries to forget Harry Styles is in class with them. Instead she focuses on her breathing, her turnout, the rhythm that comes from the pianist in the corner of the room. She watches the early morning New York City sunrise reflect off of the mirrors, leaving little spots of sunlight over the gray Marley floor. Everyone else in the company could focus on Harry Styles all they want, but she is only focusing on one thing- and that is landing the role of her dreams tomorrow.

But Harry Styles wasn't the type of person whose presence could be forgotten so easily.

********

Harry Styles isn't scared of a little attention. In fact, he typically thrives on it. That's why he is a performer after all. To Harry, there is no better feeling than knowing all eyes are upon you, that you are the center of attention, the focus of the room. Maybe that is a prideful and egotistical thing to say, but it is true. Everyone wants to feel important, valued, admired- and anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

But the attention Harry has been getting since he walked into the American Ballet Theatre studio a little over twelve hours ago has not been the type of attention he necessarily sought out. He knew there would be rumors, leaving the only company he had ever been a part of during his dance career was sure to draw up the best of them, but something about this felt different. It was the whispers. The stares. The way some members of the room were staring at Harry as if he was a god and a few wouldn't dare look in his direction.

Harry doesn't know what's come over him- this wavering self-confidence. Maybe it's this new place. This new country. Or maybe it's the fact that in the words of his agent, if he "doesn't get his act together" he will never dance at this level again. And if he's not dancing on the world's biggest stages, well, Harry might as well not be dancing at all.

Harry grabs his phone from the side pocket of his black messenger bag, connecting it to the Bluetooth speaker he found in the corner of the studio and presses play on his hip hop playlist. He needs something to drown out his thoughts, and classical music just doesn't cut it. As the beat begins to fill the studio, Harry lets the music take over his body and begins to dance.

Giselle tries to focus on her music, but there's the noise of a pounding bass in the background interfering with concentration. She's always the only one at the studio this late at night- that's why she comes- to be alone and without distractions.

She tries to ignore it, focusing on the one and two of the music as she fouettés. One and two, three and four, five and... a boom from somewhere in the building breaks her concentration and she falls out of her turn, letting out a groan. This could not be happening to her the night before auditions, and if she found out that Teagan was here trying to interfere with her practice...

Giselle makes her way down the hall, guided by the incessant bass that sounds like it belongs in the backseat of a teenager's car and not one of the most prestigious ballet studios in the world. When she turns the corner to enter the studio, it's not Teagan she sees but Harry Styles.

But he's not dancing. He's laying on the floor, wearing nothing but a pair of black athletic shorts that show off the god-like definition of his thighs. His signature butterfly tattoo stands out on the middle of his chest, beads of sweat dripping towards the center of his stomach, the bass vibrating the mirrors around him. He doesn't notice her at first. How could he with the music so loud?

"Excuse me," Giselle says loudly in an effort to get his attention. His body doesn't even flinch.

"Excuse me!" she yells this time. 

Harry looks up. In the corner of the studio, towards the door stands a girl. Her almost black hair is pulled tightly back into a bun. Her thin arms are crossed like she's about to lecture him, and her lips are held in a tight line that looks anything but happy. The corners of Harry's mouth curve upwards in a grin, entertained by the fury that was seeming to come from her tiny body.

She taps her foot impatiently, like she's waiting for something. Harry realizes that she is- she's waiting for him to turn off his music.

He sighs, reaching over to his phone beside him and sliding one sweaty finger across the screen to bring the rhythm to a halt.

"Yes?" he asks expectantly, not bothering to move his body from his reclining position.

"Other people in this studio are trying to practice, you know. It's kinda hard to do that with this," she gestures into the air, as if trying to find an appropriate adjective to describe the torture that had been gracing her ears over the past half hour.

"Not a fan of my music?" Harry smirked.

"I'm not a fan of someone disrupting my rehearsal." Giselle spit back.

"Rehearsal? It's bloody 11pm."

"I know what time it is, and like I said, your music is interfering with my ability to practice." Giselle stares Harry right in the eyes. He doesn't intimidate her, and she's not going to back down until he agrees to turn down his music.

"Wasn't aware you were the owner of this studio," Harry taunts.

"I could say the same about you." Giselle moves her hands to her hips. Just agree to turn off the damn music, she thinks to herself, even though she knows at this point, it's not worth the time it will take to warm back up to continue practicing.

Harry sits up, grabbing a blue towel from inside his bag and wiping the sweat that remains off his forehead. "Fine, music's off. Continue your rehearsal. I'm too jet lagged for this shit," he stands, wrapping the towel around his neck.

"Thanks," Giselle says under her breath, before making her way back to her studio, where she knew she would be gathering her own belongings.

Harry groans, grabbing his bag from the floor and sliding it over his shoulder. You could travel halfway across the world and still run into the same entitled ballet brats who thought they ran the place. It's those type of people, company members and otherwise, that were precisely the reason he had left the Royal. Well, not that he had necessarily had a say in that scenario, but they had been the cause of all of his problems.

You just have to dance, Harry, he tries to tell himself. But Harry knows that as much as he tries, there's a lot more too it than that.

**********

“Gi!" Caleb exclaims, bounding down the hallway towards her without concern for anyone in his way. "Cast list is up."

Giselle gulps. She isn't sure that she is ready for this. The look of disappointment on her mother's face if she doesn't land the part. The list of corrections that her mother has come up with from watching Giselle's audition. "Now you see there, you've lost your center. You're never going to make that triple if you don't hold your center Giselle." The reminder that "you only have so many opportunities to prove your worth, before they move onto the younger, better version of you." It didn't matter to her mother if Giselle was the youngest soloist at ABT by five years. It didn't matter if nearly every other soloist had previously understudied for the role. Everything but a lead was a disappointment to Natalia Korsakova.

"C'mon," Caleb exclaims, and before Giselle has a moment to collect herself she's being pulled down the hallway by her arm.

And there it is. The thin, white piece of paper that holds the fate of her next ten weeks in its hands. When she looks at it at first, she thinks she must be dreaming. Because her name has never been on that spot on the list before. Not since she officially joined the company five years ago.

Odette/Odile- Giselle Mason

Sigfried - Harry Styles

She feels frozen. Like she's in a dream and she's paralyzed. It's what she's always wanted-this role and yet, suddenly it feels like a whole lot of pressure.

"You did it Gi," Caleb exclaims, lifting her up and spinning her around before Giselle even has a moment to look any further down the list. Giselle laughs, giddy with excitement. "New York will have never seen a more beautiful Odette."

Giselle rolls her eyes at his comment. Caleb, her friend since joining the American Ballet School at the age of six and partner for many years had always been her biggest cheerleader. In a way, he made up for what she didn't have in her mother.

"And you Caleb?" Giselle asks, realizing in her excitement that she had forgotten that her best friend also had a role in the this ballet.

"You're looking at the newest Benno," Caleb says with a grin. Giselle often wondered what it would be like to be like Caleb. To be happy with any role. To not care about his place in the company. To simply want to dance. Caleb had always been like that- relaxed, calm- the antithesis to Giselle who was always high strung and anxious. Perhaps that's why they'd always been such good friends, because they balanced each other perfectly. Giselle pushed Caleb when he needed some extra motivation and Caleb- albeit not always successful- tried his best to keep Giselle out of her own head.

Giselle watches as Teagan makes her way over to the board, her long black hair swinging from the ponytail at the crown of her head. She grins in slight satisfaction as she sees Teagan's face turn into a frown. Giselle turns and gives Caleb her best, "what did she get?" eyes. He exaggeratedly mouths, "UNDERSTUDY".

As if sensing that she is the topic of conversation, Teagan looks over at the two. "Congrats Giselle," she says, her face moving in a way that makes it seem like the words taste disgusting leaving her mouth.

"You as well," Giselle responds, to which Teagan only scoffs and storms off.

"You know she's going to make your life living hell as your understudy don't you?" Caleb said with a laugh.

"Ugh, I know," Giselle groaned.

"It will be worth it though. You are going to be dancing the role you've always dreamed of." Giselle smiled. "Plus," Caleb begins, leaning down so his mouth is next to Giselle's ear. "You get to dance with the greatest male dancer of our generation. Think of all the hours you're gonna get to spend looking at that GORGEOUS body."

Giselle groans. Her perfect moment temporarily ruined by the realization that she would have to dance with Harry Styles. Sure, he may be talented, a great dancer, and likely a great partner. But his entrance yesterday and their encounter last night told her everything she needed to know about Harry Styles. And she was sure that working with him would be anything but easy.

"That GORGEOUS body," Giselle imitates Caleb with an exaggeration of the word, "Doesn't make up for the fact that the guy's an asshole."

"Okay, okay, point taken. Now can we go get some lunch?"

Giselle nods, but she already knows she's not hungry. Instead, all she can think about is how she's going to get through the next ten weeks of rehearsals with a man she already loathes.

**********

Giselle slides into the rehearsal studio with extra joy in her step later that afternoon. She's so on Cloud 9 that she doesn't even realize Harry standing at the barre doing pliés as she hums the opening notes of Swan Lake aloud.

"Sorry didn't know anyone else was in here already," she apologizes quickly, standing and stretching out her feet.

Harry looks at her, his face hard and eyes sharp. If he recognized her as the girl who interrupted his jam session last night his face didn't show it. "And who are you?" Harry asks, his voice laced with condescendence.

"Odette," Giselle smiles, the words feeling foreign leaving her mouth.

"Obviously," Harry scoffs, and Giselle feels her confidence waver. "Who are you?"

"Giselle Mason, soloist."

"Doesn't ring a bell," the corners of Harry's mouth turn up at his comment, like he gets satisfaction out of reminding others that they aren't the household name that he is.

Giselle wants to say something back. Something sharp and witty to show him that just because he was one of the greatest dancers in the world and she was still trying to make her way into the spotlight didn't mean that he could treat her like a nobody. She was going to be his partner after all- whether he liked it or not. But then Gregory Alexander, ABT's Artistic Director, enters the room, clapping his hands and tells them they are about to begin on the Act II Pas de Deux and Giselle doesn't have a chance to say otherwise.

"As new partners you will need to put in the time to understand each other. Build trust. Anticipate the other's movement. Portray to the audience that you are a swan and a prince in love." Gregory moves his arms in the air theatrically, as if he isn't wearing a designer suit.

"Now I understand that the ten weeks we have to prepare before our season debut isn't an ideal amount of time to form a relationship with a new partner. But in this case, it simply must do." Gregory's face turned serious, the wrinkles on his forehead more defined as he furrows his eyebrows. "I expect that the two of you will put in the time outside of your scheduled rehearsals to work on this chemistry. Anna and Viktor will also be assisting with rehearsals and my hope is that they will also be able to assist the two of you with this transition."

"Gregory," Harry interrupts, then as if realizing he'd made a mistake, he corrects himself. "Sir."

Gregory nods.

"I'm not sure what the concern is. I've danced with hundreds of partners in my career, I'm not sure how the other principal's would have much more experience than me?" Giselle thinks Harry is meaning this as a question but it comes out more like a statement.

Giselle watches as Gregory's eyes narrow again. He looked irritated, and why wouldn't he be? Harry had been here all but forty-eight hours and was already questioning the artistic director's decisions. 

"That may be the case, Mr. Styles," Gregory paused. "But when the two of you step onto Metropolitan Opera House stage in ten weeks, I expect the audience to believe that you two have been dancing together for years. Have I made myself clear?"

Harry nods, this time remaining quiet.

"Now then, I'd like us to start with the Act II Pas de Deux. The very beginning- with your entrance Harry."

It's an hour into rehearsals when Giselle hears the echo of heels clicking down the wooden hallways. She doesn't even have to look up when the steps stop as they reach the studio floor. She could recognize that walk anywhere.

"Aahh, Natalia!" Gregory exclaims. "So glad you could stop by," Gregory reaches over to embrace Giselle's mother, his grey hair brushing the sides of her face as he kisses each cheek.

"Mr. Styles, I'd like to introduce you to Natalia Korsakova, former ABT principal and member of our board."

Natalia Korsakova looks as put together as always. Her dark brown hair pulled tightly into a neat French twist. Her tight black dress and coordinating pumps show off every bit of the dancer's body that she still maintained. Giselle watches as her mother's mouth curves to form a polite smile.

"A ballet legend. It's an honor to meet you Madame," Harry says offering his hand.

"The pleasure is all mine. I'm so glad you are joining us here at ABT. And what a joy it will be to watch you next to my daughter," Natalia gestures towards Giselle, with a polite smile plastered on her face that was generally reserved for generous donors and patrons of the ballet. It is all a show. That's all Giselle's mother ever did was put on a production. She was a performer after all, how could anyone expect her life to be anything but a crowd-pleasing performance?

"Your daughter?" Harry turns to look at Giselle, raising an eyebrow. His eyes narrow, as if he's caught Giselle in a lie. As if she'd snuck her way into this position and was just hoping that someone wouldn't notice she wasn't the real deal. "Why that makes this even more special."

Giselle fights every urge to roll her eyes from across the room. It is clear that Harry Styles is every bit as much of a performer as her mother. Just minutes before he was looking at her as if he had been paired with an amateur and suddenly working with her is 'something special'?

"I'm going to watch rehearsal for a bit," Natalia announces, making her way over to a stool next to the pianist. "Carry on." The pit in the bottom of Giselle's stomach grows as her mother takes a seat next to Gregory in front of the mirror.

"Odette makes sense to me now," Harry whispers into Giselle's ear, as he slides behind her to resume practice. It takes everything in her to keep her face stoic as Harry's hands settle once again on her waist.

Rehearsal goes badly. Giselle can't seem to get her leg into the attitude position that Gregory wants, she losing her balance on her penchés, and Harry almost drops her on several promenades. Giselle says almost, because someone as experienced as Harry Styles would never let his partner hit the ground, but she should have, because she surely wasn't holding her weight quite right. And then there's the fact that Gregory pronounced that Giselle "looks at Harry as if he is the villain of the story instead of the prince she's fallen in love with". 

Giselle wants to say that's because he is the villain. The villain of her story anyways, the person that is somehow going to turn her dream role into somewhat of a nightmare. Why couldn't she be dancing with Viktor? He was so patient and kind and he would never look at his partner as if she deserved to be in the audience instead of on stage with him.

After yet another failed run through of the first half of the pas de deux, Gregory announces that they are done for the day, but that he expects to see them in the studio bright and early tomorrow morning to work on their timing. Giselle's never been so thankful for a rehearsal to be over, and as she sits down to remove her pointe shoes, running her hands over her swollen feet, she watches Harry leave the studio without saying a word.

"I hope you realize how big of an opportunity this is Giselle. It's not one you should take lightly," her mother's voice startles her, as Giselle had almost forgotten she was there. Almost.

Natalia stands above Giselle, one hand on her hips and the other on her forehead, as if watching today's rehearsal had been exhausting for her. It probably was exhausting for her, keeping tally of all the things that Giselle had done wrong for the past two hours. Natalia's voice is shrill as she speaks again. "There are thousands of ballerinas around the world that could only dream of getting to dance with Harry Styles. And here you are dancing with him in his first show with ABT. That's an enormous responsibility, darling. This performance with him will set the stage for his entire career with our company. One that the board is hoping will last until his retirement."

Giselle nods. That's all she can do when her mother begins one of her lectures- nod. She thought maybe this would be the time that her mother told her congratulations. The time that her mother did what she'd watched countless other mother's do during her time as a dancer, wrap their arms around their daughter and express their pride to them. But instead, today is like any other day, and even with a lead role in an ABT production, Giselle still hasn't done enough to make her mother proud.

Giselle shoves her shoes into her bag, slinging it over her shoulder as she stands.

"And Giselle?" her mother adds, as she makes her way towards the door.

"Yes mom?" 

"Might want to hit a few more cardio classes this week too, my dear. Got to make sure you are going to be an easy dancer to partner with." 

And with that comment Natalia Korsakova clicks away, leaving Giselle standing in the middle of studio wondering if her biggest dream has suddenly become her biggest nightmare.

[af1899]

FEH - software update 5.11.0 coming up + own thoughts

First of all...

👏🏻SUMMER 👏🏻 TANA'S 👏🏻 REFINE 👏🏻 HYPE

Yeah... it was to be expected since she was the next seasonal after Bridal Tharja with a preference weapon, but I'm still excited to see what she'll get, and I can finally decide what build do I want on her.

If you need to read the full announcement, here is an archived copy offered at Gamepedia, for my thoughts on the more relevant stuff, here goes:

Refine choices

As you could see in the picture above, Summer Tana, along with an assortment of other units, got their weapon refine upgrades, Legendary Hector is finally getting his as he already got his {Remix} skills, but Legendary Marth and Legendary Young Tiki haven't gotten anything... until now.

Their new and improved skills are really amazing, Tiki gets a taste of {Far Save} skills mixed with defensive area buffs, plus [Slick Fighter 3] to make up for her speed, though good, it's become kind of unreliable nowadays. Meanwhile, Marth gets to taste one of the skills from his Brave counterpart, as well as new refine and expanded {Sweep} effect from the original [Binding Shield] which can now target anyone so long as he's virtually faster than the target foe, that and coupled to the fact he can potentially stack stats like a madman will surely help him a lot, plus with whatever the refine will grant. I'd go more in sight about them but I think we ought to wait for the refines coming in about two weeks to be sure.

Some others that were waiting on their refines also get theirs, which is nice... though we're still asking for refines on first generation refreshers, please I.S.

It's worth noting that Linus is also getting a new preference weapon called [Fanged Basilikos].

Monthly [Combat Manual] batch

For the 5★ [Combat Manuals], we're getting Perceval and Adrift Female Corrin, I think the former will, ultimately, have the most value to you due to his fodder, as he carries [Lull Atk/Spd 3] as the most interesting skill; while the latter can offer [Atk/Spd Bond 3] (and preferably add [Fortify Dragons] too), enabling you to efficiently fodder a Brave Marianne if that's what you're looking for (if that's what you're looking to do, ensure your recipient is an infantry unit).

The only interesting 4★ one would be ― of course ― Groom Zelot, his best fodder overall would be his weapon, the [Love Candelabra+], which is imbued with the effects of [Joint Drive Atk] and [Joint Drive Def], or of course free merge for people that are looking to build him, like me.

I think this is an even better batch fodder-wise than this month, it can assist people not looking to build Brave Marianne on foddering her and get a super useful skill for the infantry or cavalry unit in need of a speed and bulk boost.

And the rest...

Just the usual QoL changes, structure updates and the newly purchasable Heroes that require [Heroic Grails]: Scion Nanna and Aelfric.

The [Best Skills] filter will now show the skills the unit hasn't learned when you're teaching them new skills, only there, so any untaught skill won't clog up your list on other screens, this is quite useful indeed.

Two songs will also be added on [Concert Hall] so you can use them in some parts of the game, but I only care about "Embracing Destiny" from Fire Emblem: Genealogy of the Holy War, I'm guessing this is the track we know from chapter 5 in the game since I only run into this theme when I try looking for this new name, but who knows? I.S. seems to like teasing us with inconsistent and out-of-the-blue translations, however, if it's really that track, then it's definitely a good one I'd buy and set almost everywhere, but I'm still sticking to Silesia castle's theme in my castle.

Not a really interesting upgrade, just average, but excitedly looking forward to the refines and most importantly, Summer Tana's, she's my favorite character in Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones but I haven't been able to give her the investment she deserves, hopefully a good refine will give me an idea on how I want to build her, here's mine for now:

No need to tell me, I'm well aware how terrible this is. 😕

But I often find myself best waiting for a refine to think how I want to build the unit later, if it's good, it'll have been worth it not wasting some skills already imbued on the refine, but we'll definitely see, I'll share thoughts once it's out!

Thanks for reading my thoughts and take care. 👋🏻

[turinn]

Naive

Ray Blackwell x M!Reader

Summary: An invitation at a party reveals that Luka had no idea you’re gay, and brings up a concern you hadn’t had before. Tags: Crack, fluff, secret relationship, mention of homophobia, alcohol consumption A/N: This is based on a dream I had where Luka and I had this exact conversation and when I woke up and remembered it I nearly threw up laughing. I did actual research for the girls outfit and hair bc im a fashion history nerd. the pocket watch i just thought was cute. Fenrir calls the reader fruity but its okay bc hes gay too god bless Word Count: 1.5k

The party was the usual affair expected of the Godspeed's, an air of elegance- present but not too overbearing- hanging over the large hall. Music drifted gently to your ears as you took everything in, a small smile settling on your face.

You couldn't help but feel a little underdressed. The officers had, of course, kept their uniforms on, but everyone else present was dressed to the nines. You'd thought the suit you wore was lovely when you and Seth had seen it last week, dark blue with a white trim, paired with a pale cyan tie and pocket square. The gold watch that settled comfortably in your pocket had been a gift from Blanc, supposedly made by Oliver to look similar to his own, to commemorate your decision to stay in Cradle. Compared to everyone else, it felt rather simple now, but you pushed the thought aside. Nobody was judging what you were wearing, they were here to enjoy themselves same as you.

"Would you like a drink?" Ray asked, voice soft enough not to startle you too much. This wasn't too effective, as you'd gotten lost in your thoughts, and sort of forgotten there were people around you, but it was kind of him to try. "Oh, yes, please." You smiled at him and a moment later he'd walked off, talking to Sirius about something, leaving you alone with Luka. Fenrir had disappeared to greet his family when you'd first arrived, and Seth was who knows where, but you didn't mind it being just the two of you. Luka rarely came to these, in fact this was the first he'd been to since you'd arrived in Cradle, despite it being your fifth, and you decided someone should stick with him so he didn't feel quite as nervous.

As you turned to say something to him, you noticed a lady making her way over to the both of you, looking rather flustered. Her fists were clenched at her sides, and she seemed to be muttering something to herself, but it was clear she had intent to speak to one of you. Perhaps she wanted to talk to Luka? He was cute, it wouldn't surprise you. What did surprise you, however, was when she walked up to you instead.

"Um, excuse me if this is far too forward, but... would you be interested in dancing with me?" She sounded so nervous, and you almost wanted to say yes. Any other man would have been lucky to get such an invitation- she looked stunning. She wore her hair in curls, gathered at the back of her neck, with a hairpiece of pale blue flowers was pinned at the front, a necklace donning the same type of flower hanging just above the neckline of her gown. The gown in question matched the colour of the flowers well, though the width of the crinoline supported skirt would have made you concerned about the logistics of dancing with her- if you'd had any intention of saying yes. Her cheeks were tinted pink as she chewed her bottom lip and waited for your answer, avoiding your gaze. A hand on your chest and a sincerely apologetic look on your face, you began to respond. "Oh dear. I'm terribly sorry, but you seem to have gotten the wrong end of the stick. You're a very attractive young lady but I'm afraid... how should I put this," You glanced at Luka for help, but he seemed to have no idea what you were trying to tell her, "I'm afraid I don't tend to set my eye on the ladies, so to speak." "You're... gay?" A sympathetic nod. "That's the ticket. Sorry, love." "Oh, it's not a problem! I'm really sorry to have bothered you!" She suddenly looked much less nervous, though a little embarrassed, and scurried off. You sighed. "I feel a little bad. I really hope she finds someone to dance with." Luka looked at you quizzically. "Why did you lie to her?" A confused laugh escaped you. "I'm sorry?" "You told her you were into guys. Why lie?" As he said this, Seth and Fenrir came up behind him, and hearing his question their eyebrows shot up. So did yours. Was he kidding? "Luka, sweetie, you have got to tell me what part of my personality made you think I was heterosexual, so I can set about changing it immediately." Seth choked on his drink, and though you flashed him a grin, you weren't entirely kidding. Going from Victorian London to a world where being gay was perfectly acceptable had been quite the change, but you'd been certain all of your friends had known. It's not like you were quiet about it, and sure, Luka was naive but... come on, now. "Wait are you... you were being honest?" "Yes?" "Luka," Fenrir began, stepping next to you and resting an elbow on your shoulder, "How have you seriously not noticed that he's gay yet?" "Well- there was no reason for me to assume!" "You watched me drunk make out with at least 2 different Black Army soldiers in my first month here!" Luka looked flustered, and utterly dumbfounded. The expression was one he wore often, usually when people insinuated that someone was in love- but somehow about five times more confused. He was unfortunate enough that Ray and Sirius returned at this moment, just in time to hear both your last remark, and his next one.

"I thought that was just something you did when you were drunk?" In another moment you were on your knees, legs shaking so much from laughter that you couldn't hold yourself up any longer. Fenrir was right there beside you, practically convulsing. Everyone else was laughing too- except poor Luka. You felt a little bad, truly you did, but this had to be the funniest thing you had ever heard. "He's completely straight, but watch out! Get a couple drinks in him and he turns fruity!" Fenrir managed to get out between cackles, and Ray was glad to have put your drinks down when Luka had last spoken, because he too nearly fell to the ground at this.

"Luka- Luka I'm sorry." You pulled yourself to your feet, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "We aren't laughing at you." Another fit of giggles overcame you. "Okay we kind of are, but it's not malicious or anything. That was just... hands down the funniest thing you've ever said." It took most of you 5 or so minutes to fully calm down from what he'd said, and anything that jogged your memories of it would bring you back to a state of uncontrollable laughter for the rest of the night. Luka came round to it being pretty funny after you talked him through the dozens of times you'd mentioned your sexuality to him since you'd met- every one of which had gone over his head.

Hours after the party had worn down and you'd all made your way home, you lay in bed, your head pressed against a familiar chest, and sighed. "What's up?" "I just... D'you think anyone else just hasn't realised?" Ray cocked his head, confused. "I'm gonna need a little more info than that, kitten." "I suppose I just... Back in London, it's not even legal to be gay, and I don't know if it ever will be. When I first came out to Fen, he told me that it was fine here, accepted and even celebrated. So, I guess I just thought that people wouldn't make the automatic assumption that I'm straight, y'know? I mean I talk about it a lot among you guys but- when I’m out and about... where do people think my final destination is? When I pick up a silly cat themed gift for you does the shopkeep think I’m buying it for my wife? It shouldn't be a big deal, I guess, but I'd never been able to be myself until I came here, and now it's like I can be me but... people will still only see who I am if I tell them. It's just weird is all. I dunno. Maybe I'm drunk." "You're not drunk. It's an understandable concern. I guess I've never thought about it, because whether or not people would accept that part of me has never been an issue, but the fact that you've had to hide it for so long and now that you're able to be open people still aren't seeing it must be hard. If you want we could... come out, so to speak?" Your eyebrows raised, and you moved back, propping yourself up on your arm so you could look your partner in the eyes.

It had been decided at the very start of your relationship, which had officially begun a few months after you'd made the choice to stay in Cradle, that the two of you would keep it under wraps for a while. Being from the Land of Reason was more than enough reason for people to take an unwanted interest in you, and you didn't need the extra attention being the King of Spades' partner would garner. Plus, anyone with a grudge against Ray would see you as a target the second you announced it. It had been a sensible suggestion on his part, one you hadn't hesitated to agree to, and as far as you knew only Sirius and Fenrir knew about your relationship. Fenrir because he had walked in on you sitting in Ray's lap while he worked late one night, and Sirius because- well, can anything get past that guy? And now, Ray was offering to tell the entirety of Cradle you were his, just so that you didn't feel like you were hiding your identity anymore? You could feel your eyes starting to burn, and you cursed the late hour and the alcohol in your system for making you cry so easily, but... "I don't think we need to be that drastic. You were right when you said it would keep me safe for us to not be in the public eye, at least for now. I'm sure Seth can come up with some better way for me to tell the whole world I'm gay." "I don't doubt that at all." Ray grinned, placing a gentle kiss on first your forehead, then your nose, and finally on your lips. "Tomorrow, though. You need your beauty sleep." "Ah, yeah, can't risk getting ugly. My boyfriend might not want me anymore." You quipped. "Exactly." He smirked at you, turning out the light and pulling you into his arms.

[massivedrickhead]

Loving your series of one shots bud!! I, myself, am a massive fan of fluff and happiness (tooth rotting), how about a prompt where Beca is in LA with Khaled (post PP3) and she is finding it really tough, physically and mentally, especially knowing Chloe isn't there, she hasn't spoken to her in a while, and she believes her to be happy with Chicago elsewhere... and when she returns home... She finds Chloe there. Waiting. (Or the equivalent, where Chloe is engaged, Beca hasn't spoken to her in a while, and she comes home to see her there) xxxxx

Hi, thank you so much! 

I might have gotten away from the prompt a little, but I hope you like it anyway.

I’m kind of tired and emotionally tonight so I don’t know if this is any good, and it’s kinda long so I hope that’s okay haha

Read on AO3

------

“Beca, are you listening?”

Chloe Beale is single.

“Mhm,” Beca said, pulling her eyes away from Facebook on her phone and looking back at Theo. “Sorry.”

“Everything alright?” He asked, knowing it wasn’t like Beca to zone out in a meeting like this. 

“Yep,” Beca said, turning her phone face down. He raised his eyebrows. “It’s Chloe.”

He closed his eyes with a sigh. “Is it an emergency?”

“No,” Beca said, putting her hands in her lap to resit the urge to pick her phone up again. “I am super focused and professional.”

“Can we talk about your album for, like, ten more minutes?” Theo said, trying to keep up his face stern.

“Absolutely,” Beca said, her eyes dropping again, briefly, to her phone.

The meeting felt like it lasted a lifetime, but eventually Beca hurried out and back to her own office, puling Facebook up on her phone.

Chloe Beale is single.

Chloe’s profile picture had changed from the sickeningly sweet picture of her and Chicago showing off her engagement ring, to just a simple selfie.

Beca clicked into her contacts list and her thumb hovered above Chloe’s name.

She should call her, right? 

She scrolled down further, and hit call on Aubrey’s name.

“Aubrey Posen,” Aubrey said, using the same tone of voice she would use to greet a stranger, and not one of her closest friends.

“Aubrey what’s going on with Chloe?”

“I’m doing great Beca, thanks for asking,” Aubrey replied.

“Aubrey.”

“I don’t know,” Aubrey said, her tone softer. “She’s been unhappy with him for a while.”

“She has?”

“Yes,” Aubrey said. “When did you last speak to her?”

“It’s… It’s been a while,” Beca said, sounding guilty. “Work has been a bit much.”

“I know,” Aubrey replied. “You should call her.”

“Yeah,” Beca said. “Thanks.”

“Speak to you later, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Beca said. “I’ll call you.”

She ended the call with Aubrey but once again hesitated before calling Chloe. Apart from the occasional surface level text or exchange of snapchats and memes, she really hadn’t spoke to Chloe for a while. Not properly. Not the way they used to. 

She was scared that if she called her now, Chloe would be mad at her. 

She drummed her fingers against her desk, her stomach twisting slightly, as she tried to decide what to do. She never handled confrontation very well, it’s why she’d spent so much of her life just walking away from situations.

Beca picked up her phone again, and typed out a text.

Beca: Hey Chlo’. I’ve just seen Facebook, are you okay? xx

She hit send and closed her phone before she could overthink it, and tried to focus on her work again. 

She had a bunch of album art she needed to look through and pick her favourites. (Yes, her job was pretty awesome.)

She also had twenty unread emails that had popped up in the ten minutes she had spent on the phone to Aubrey/deciding what to do about Chloe. (Yes, her job was also pretty demanding.)

As her phone buzzed on her desk with Chloe’s reply, Theo poked his head through her office door.

“What’s up?” She asked, resisting the urge to pick up her cell to read the message.

“Have you got plans tonight? Because you need to cancel them if you do,” he said, looking stressed.

“Why?” Beca asked with a sigh.

“The head of the label is coming in for a meeting tomorrow morning and he wants to hear your new album and it is nowhere near ready for that,” he said.

“Isn’t he in Europe?” Beca said with a groan.

“He is literally flying in for this meeting. There is a lot riding on this album, Beca,” he said. “He took a big risk when he signed you as a solo artist after the Khaled collab.”

“I know that,” Beca said, running a hand through her hair. “I know. But it isn’t getting released for another two months, why does he need to hear it now?”

“I don’t know how his mind works, I just know we need to impress him tomorrow,” Theo said.

“Okay,” Beca said. 

“No distractions tonight, okay? Take an hour now and we can get started at,” he glanced down at his watch, “5:30.” He closed the office door behind him, and Beca immediately picked up her phone, pushing away the sudden wave of nerves.

Chloe: I’ve been better xx

Beca: Are you free right now? xx

Chloe: Yeah, I just finished work. xx

Beca called Chloe, this time without hesitation, and the redhead answered on the second ring.

“Hey,” Chloe said, her voice sounding heavy.

“Hi,” Beca replied, sinking back into her chair at the sound of Chloe’s voice. She hadn’t realised how much she’d missed hearing it. “What happened?”

“Can we not talk about it?” Chloe asked. Beca could hear the sound of New York traffic over the phone and she felt suddenly homesick.

Not for New York specifically, but for that tiny apartment she and Chloe had shared in Brooklyn. For that level of closeness and intimacy. 

She liked L.A. fine, and her new home was, on paper, a thousand percent better than the Brooklyn apartment, but it still didn’t feel like home. She would trade her state-of-the-art kitchen, king-sized bed, hot-tub - all of it - for one more night in that apartment. One more night sleeping beside Chloe. One more night where Chloe’s arms would snake around her waist and pull her close, mumbling that she was cold. One more morning eating breakfast together before they parted for work. One more evening making dinner and watching trashy TV.

What made it hurt more was that she knew there was no going back to that apartment. Chloe had moved in with Chicago, Beca had moved out to L.A., and Fat Amy was somewhere in the Bahamas. Someone else was living in their apartment now. Sleeping in their cramped bed, making food in their kitchen.

“How’s work?” Chloe asked, breaking Beca out of her thoughts.

“Busy,” Beca said. “It’s… It’s a lot right now.”

“Are you taking care of yourself?” Chloe asked. And Beca thought just how like Chloe that was. While she was going through a heartbreak, she’d rather make sure Beca was okay.

“I thought that was your job,” Beca said, smiling at the soft laugh Chloe gave. She could hear the sounds of keys jingling and a door opening.

“That’s kinda hard to do when I’m all the way in New York,” Chloe said. “God it’s so cold outside. I need a vacation.”

Beca glanced at the sun streaming through her office window. “Maybe you should come to L.A.,” she said, without really thinking. As soon as the sentence left her mouth, she realised this was something she wanted more than anything right now. 

“That would be nice,” Chloe said with a laugh.

“I’m serious,” Beca said, feeling a mixture of nerves and excitement. 

“Come on, Becs. I can’t do that,” Chloe said. “I have work.”

“Take some time off?”

“The flights are expensive-”

“-I’ll pay for the flights,” Beca said, cutting her off. “I think… Chlo’ I think I need this. I need some time off. And I think you need it too?”

“Yeah, I need it,” Chloe said. “Are they even gonna let you have time off?” 

“I can ask,” Beca said. She looked down at her watch and saw she only had ten minutes before she had to get back to work. “Look, if you want to come, I can make it happen. I’m working for the rest of the night, but give me a call tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay,” Chloe said. “I’ll call my boss.”

“So you want to come?”

“Yeah. Yeah I want to.”

——

Beca glanced around her nervously as she stood at the arrivals gate of L.A.X. airport a week later. She was wearing a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses but she was still afraid someone would recognise her.

Then she caught sight of ginger hair and suddenly Chloe was walking towards her and Beca felt her nervousness drain away.

Chloe grinned when she spotted her, and started walking more quickly, practically running by the time she got close enough to hug her. She dropped her case and flung her arms around Beca, squeezing her into the tightest hug she could manage.

Beca was going to make some sarcastic joke, but the feeling of Chloe’s arms around her caused her voice to die in her throat and her eyes to fill with tears. 

“I’ve really missed you,” Chloe said, squeezing tighter and planting a kiss on her cheek and releasing her.

“Missed you too,” Beca said, grabbing the handle of Chloe’s case. “How was your flight?”

“It was fine,” Chloe said, grinning. “Why are you dressed like a spy?”

“Um, because I am?” Beca said, laughing. “I just don’t wanna get spotted.”

“Right,” Chloe said. “You’re a big deal now.”

Beca laughed and shook her head. “It’s a lot,” her voice was a little quieter. 

Chloe frowned slightly, and then her eyes widened as she saw a few men with cameras hovering outside the entrance to the airport.

Beca sighed. “Just ignore them and stick close to me.”

They walked out of the airport quickly, and as soon as the men spotted her, they started yelling. 

“Beca! Beca! How’s the album going, Beca?!”

“Beca! What do you say about the rumours that you’re dating your producer?!”

“Holy shit,” Chloe muttered under her breath as they made their way to Beca’s car, the paparazzi following them, continuing their barrage of questions.

“Beca! Introduce us to your friend!”

“Beca is it true you’re dating-”

Whatever name he was planning to say was lost in the sound of Beca slamming her door shut, and starting her car. She honked the horn a few times to get them to move out the way.

“Beca, what the fuck was that?” Chloe asked, pulling on her seatbelt as Beca pulled out of the parking lot. 

“Fun, right?” Beca asked, glancing in her rearview mirror, making sure they weren’t going to follow her home. 

“Does that happen every time you go out?”

“Not always,” Beca said. “To be honest they were probably there just hanging about to see if anyone would turn up. I don’t think they knew I was there before they saw me.”

“Jesus,” Chloe said. “I forget you’re like a legit celebrity now.”

Beca pulled a face. “I’m not. Not really.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Beca said, glancing over at Chloe. “Yeah, just… Just really looking forward to this time off. I had to work a lot of late nights to get Theo to agree with this.” Chloe frowned. “You know that guy was full of shit, right? There’s nothing going on between me and Theo. I haven’t been dating him. I haven’t been dating anyone.”

“Why not?” Chloe asked.

“Why not, what?”

“Why haven’t you been dating anyone?”

Beca shrugged. “I haven’t met anyone I liked.” They were quiet for a little while longer as they continued to sit in L.A. traffic. “So, can we only talk about my love life or are you going to tell me about you and Chicago?”

“There’s nothing really to tell,” Chloe said, turning to look out of the window now they had gotten off the highway. “I just… It wasn’t working. We were fighting a bunch. I wanted him to be different and he wanted me to be different.”

“I’m sorry, Chlo’,” Beca said. 

“It’s okay,” Chloe said. “It’s better in the long run. At least we weren’t married with kids before we figured it out.”

They sat in a comfortable silence as Beca drove them the rest of the way to her house, the radio playing quietly. 

When Beca pulled up to to her house, Chloe let out a low whistle.

“Right, you live in a fucking mansion now,” she said.

“It’s hardly a mansion,” Beca said, feeling embarrassed. She took Chloe’s bag from the trunk and they made their way into the house. “You want the tour?”

“Please.” 

Beca showed her around, dropping her bag into the guest room. The tour ended on the deck, and Beca grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses from the kitchen on the way. They sat in comfortable loungers and looked out as the sun set over L.A.. 

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Beca said, pouring them some wine.

“Me too,” Chloe replied, cheers-ing her glass against Beca’s. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“Anytime, Chlo’.”

As they sat in silence watching the sunset, Beca felt a warmth spreading through her chest. For the first time since moving to L.A., she felt like she was home. And then she realised something.

Something she’d known all along, really.

She glanced across at Chloe, who was smiling with her eyes closed, letting the sun soak into her.

Chloe.

Chloe was her home.

She placed her hand on top of Chloe’s and squeezed, softly.

Chloe opened her eyes and looked over at Beca, still smiling. She adjusted her hand so her fingers were threaded with Beca’s. 

Beca looked away, blinking against the sun and feeling tears stinging her eyes.

If Chloe noticed, she didn’t mention it. She just carried on smiling, and turned back to face the sunset, their hands still linked. 

“It’s beautiful out here,” she said. 

“Yeah,” Beca said. “I feel like I never actually get to relax out here. I spend so much time just sleeping at my office these days.”

“I knew you weren’t taking care of yourself,” Chloe said.

“There’s just been a lot of pressure at work. This is my first solo album, and if it fails… If it doesn’t do well everyone will know that my last one was only a success because of Khaled,” Beca said. “I can’t fail at this.”

“You won’t fail,” Chloe said, softly. “You’re so talented, Beca. You’ve got this, I know you do.”

Beca smiled. “I wish I didn’t have to do it without you.”

“You don’t,” Chloe said. “I’m only on the other end of the phone. You can call me anytime.”

“It’s not the same,” Beca said. “Sorry, I just miss how things used to be.”

“I know. I miss it too,” Chloe said. 

“If I’d known things wouldn’t stay that way forever, I might have done things differently,” Beca said.

“What do you mean?”

Beca shrugged, feeling like she should stop talking before she said something she’d regret. She didn’t want to cause an awkward situation that they both had to live with for the two weeks of their vacation.

“Don’t go quiet on me now,” Chloe said.

“I just wish I’d been more honest. Braver,” Beca said, avoiding looking at Chloe.

“It’s not too late,” Chloe said.

But Beca shook her head. “Sorry. I’m… I’m rambling. I’ve probably drank too much.”

“I guess it’s getting late,” Chloe said, letting Beca’s hand drop. “We’ve got a long day of relaxing ahead of us, right?”

“Yeah,” Beca said. She stood and stretched and helped Chloe to her feet. “If you get hungry or anything during the night just help yourself.”

“Thanks,” Chloe said, kissing Beca on the cheek. “We’ll finish this conversation tomorrow, okay?”

Beca laughed, and felt her cheeks burn. “I dunno what you’re talking about.”

“Night Becs,” Chloe said.

“Night.”

Chloe woke a few hours later, her head hurting from too much wine and sun and not enough water.

She made her way to the kitchen and drank what felt like her body weight in water. As she was about to head back, she heard noises coming from Beca’s office. 

The door was open and a dim light was creeping onto the landing.

Chloe peaked inside to see Beca sitting cross-legged on her chair, her hair tied up messily, the light from the computer screen the only light in the room.

She was talking to someone on the phone, her voice a little hoarse.

“No, I get that Theo,” she said, her hand resting on the back of her neck. “But when I spoke to you yesterday, the track was fine.” She watched as Beca tucked the phone in between her ear and shoulder and the began typing into her computer. “Uh huh. So like, more bass? Less bass?” She stopped typing. “I don’t know what you mean by the same bass but different.”

Chloe had heard enough and stepped into the room. 

She placed a hand on Beca’s shoulder and tried not to laugh when she jumped. She held out her other hand for Beca’s phone. 

Beca sighed and handed it over.

“Hi Theo,” Chloe said, smiling. “It’s Chloe. You remember me from the USSO tour, right? It’s 2 am, and Beca’s on vacation. I know. I’ll pass your apologies on. Goodnight Theo.”

She clicked end on the call and passed the phone back. 

“Theo said sorry.”

Beca laughed and put the phone down. “Thank you.”

“Does this happen often?”

“Oh yeah,” Beca said. “Theo and I are both kinda nocturnal so sometimes he’ll call me with ideas.”

“No wonder you look so tired,” Chloe said.

“Gee thanks.”

“Come on, it’s bed time.” Chloe took her hand and pulled her up. “This room is off limits while you’re on vacation, okay?”

“Yes ma’am,” Beca said, smiling. “How are you finding the guest room?”

“It’s nice,” Chloe said, as they hovered outside Beca’s room. “Why?”

“No reason,” Beca said.

“Becs, you can just say it you know?”

Beca laughed, and looked down. “I can’t. I’m not good at this.”

“Okay,” Chloe said. She pushed Beca’s bedroom door open and gave her hand a tug. “Come on.”

“Chloe,” Beca said softly, closing her eyes when Chloe cupped her cheek with her hand. “Wait.”

“Hey,” Chloe replied, her voice just as gentle. “Look at me. Tell me what you need.”

Beca swallowed hard, tears burning her eyes. “I’ve… I’ve been waiting. That’s what I wanted to say before. Why I haven’t dated anyone since Jesse. I’ve been waiting for you. I… I waited to tell you and I waited too long.”

“It isn’t too late,” Chloe said, pulling Beca into a hug. “You can tell me now, it isn’t too late.” She felt Beca take a deep breath, and when she spoke her voice was muffled by Chloe’s shirt.

“I’m in love with you. I’ve always been in love with you. And I know you and Chicago just broke up. I don’t need to hear it back.”

Chloe ended their hug and cupped Beca’s face in her hands again, her thumbs brushing away the tears. 

“I wanted Chicago to be different than he was. That’s why we didn’t work out. I wanted him to know what I needed without me having to ask. I wanted him to know when I needed a tea instead of a coffee. I wanted him to bring me an aspirin when I was two hours into a study session because he knew I’d have a headache by then. I wanted him to know when I wanted to talk, and when I just needed to sit and listen to music. I wanted him to know me. I wanted him to know me the way you know me. I wanted him to be you, Becs. And… And when I realised that… When I realised it was you that I wanted… You that I was in love with… That’s when we broke up.”

“You love me?” 

“Yeah,” Chloe said, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Yeah I love you.”

Beca let out a teary laugh. 

“Can I kiss you?”

Beca nodded, and Chloe’s mouth was on hers, and Beca knew she was home.

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.