#should being the key word; idk what my brain is going to come up with yet

[lunaviee]

can i request where reader cant go to their match and they got angry which makes them say the word "i shouldve invite *ex's name*, she wouldve come." and reader reaction can be up to you! with rin and maybe chigiri? thank you so much and please stay hydrate! sending loves <33

OHHH MYYY GODDD ANONNN……..

the way i gasped so loud when i saw this OMGOMG

okay so, idk if you’re wanting PURE ANGST for this but like i’ll add fluff at the end anyway bc the more the merrier😇😁😁

OKAY SO UMM..i’m a procrastinator, it’s no secret. so uhh chigiris will be posted when i remember to work on it, sorry😭

“are you serious?” “you’re..kidding, right?”

chigiri hyoma and rin itoshi x reader (seperate) click here for chigiri’s

tags/warnings: angst to comfort, swearing, arguing, NOT PROOFREAD…

synopsis: if he’s so insistent on you being there to support him, why doesn’t he do the same?

a/n: i am SO SORRY this took so long </3 i got busy but this request is soo..chefs kiss i hope i did it justice😓

RIN ITOSHI—

the faint mumbles from the tv filled rin’s apartment as you made a quick snack to eat, knowing your boyfriend should be home any minute. you sat down on the couch to eat, turning the tv volume up as background noise while you looked out the window. it faced a gorgeous view of your city, along with a nice view of the sunset.

after some time, you were back in the kitchen to clean up a bit.

*click*

the jingling of keys indicated rin was home, a tad later that usual but you payed no mind to it.

“hey,” you smiled, “welcome home, how was practice?” arms wrapping around his neck as he set his bag down, taking his shoes off. his arm snaked around your waist to pull you closer to him, planting a kiss on your temple.

“eh, same as always. those lukewarm lunatics don’t know what they’re doing”

you hummed in response, rin pulling away from you to look you in the eye. he spoke again. “we have a game in a few days. you’re going, right?” it sounded more like a demand than a question.

“oh uh about that” you broke eye contact, a twinge of nervousness tainted your face. “i was given an extra shift at work so i’ll be swamped, i don’t think i’ll be able to make it, sorry”

his before softened gaze now pierced right through you, full of annoyance. “really? i thought you’d want to come to my games.” his arms left your torso and flopped to his side, lower back resting on the counter.

“i do! i always do..rin you know this, i go to your games when i can but lately i’ve just been more busy an-” you rambled.

he cut you off, “quit the excuses.”

“excuse me?” you replied, shocked at how his silver tongue was so quick to interrupt you.

“i get it. you’re busy. you don’t have to make up these half-baked excuses and try to make me feel better.” he moved from the counter, straightening his back and showing his full height, looking down on you as if you were less than him at that moment.

“excuses? rin, what the hell are you talking about? i’m being serious.” confusion swirled in your mind, what was up with him??

“you know, i never had these problems with *ex’s name*. she was always happy to come to my games. no excuses, no lies. every game, she was there. why can’t you be like that?” rin’s venom stained words singed into your brain, glints of annoyance pooled in his eyes. a twinge of guilt settled in his gut the minute those words spilled out of his mouth, but he payed no mind to it.

“what?” your eyes widened in disbelief, “are you fucking serious?”

how could he say that? sure, rin was petty and used bitter language when he was upset, but comparing you to his ex? that was a new low, even for him. after all of the crap you two talked about when mentioning both of your exes in the past, you’d assume he’d want absolutely nothing to do with her. right?

“why wouldn’t i be?” not once did his gaze leave your figure, was he serious? “she actually took my career seriously.”

you were beyond shocked, eyes narrowing as your brows knitted together. “invite her then.” you retorted. “maybe i will, maybe then i’ll have someone who actually supports me there.” he scoffed.

his words made your blood boil, eye twitching before you spoke again, “get out.” you gritted through your teeth, fingers fiddling with the hem of your (his) sweater as to not lose your cool.

“what?” he scoffed, not expecting such a response (he really should have, what was he thinking??)

“did i fucking stutter? or is your skull too thick to hear what i have to say. get. out.”

the strikers face further scrunched, yet not moving an inch. “this is my apartment. if you’re upset, then leave.” he brushed past you without a single regret as to what he had said, not entirely believing you’d actually leave, where else did you have to go?

“fine then.” you slipped your shoes on while dialing a number on your phone before slamming the door, leaving the rin to sit with his thoughts. you had much, much more to say, but the thought of having to stay in the same vicinity as you made your stomach churn.

who did you call? why, your best friend of course, who else would you trust with this information. sure, rin’s teammates weren’t bad people to open up to, but you needed someone who could understand your feelings through angry sobs and incoherent mumbles.

it was only a matter of time before you were sat on yours friends bed, angry tears burning your cheeks as you rambled on about how dumb your boyfriend was.

“break up with him” your friend mumbled, only half joking. “me personally, i wouldn’t stay with a man, nah, a BOY who brings up his ex when he’s mad..”

you lifted your head from the tear stained pillow to meet your friend’s gaze. “yeah but……ugh i hate when you’re right” your sentence ending with a laugh

“i’m kidding..kind of” she sneered “either way, screw him, ghost his ass until he comes crying at your doorstep”

“what??” you shot up from your position, now almost on top of your friend. she was faced you, a more serious expression painting her face

“seriously though, you shouldn’t have to deal with that shit [n/n], he has the be the one to apologize.” you nodded in response, good thing your friend had a bit more common sense than you did in that moment.

“yeah, you’re right, thanks”

“any time, now do you wanna stay here or are you good to go home?”

“i’ll stay here and bug you more”

“okay then” she laughed out, the two of you now laying on the bed on your backs, staring at the ceiling

• { time skip - two days later } •

the radio silence that came from rin was like torture, did he not care? not a single text or phone call, not even a message given from one of his teammates. it was hard to stay positive.

sure, he deserved the silent treatment, but he was your boyfriend. his company single-handedly made your days better. being separated because of a fight that he didn’t want to resolve was stupid.

your friend tried taking you out today to get your mind off of the situation. it was going well, up until you walked into your favorite cafe.

you were met with a face you were too familiar with. rin’s. his eyes widened in disbelief and he twitched, almost as if he was about to run after you. and so you and your friend took one good look at him and immediately left. if the argument was going to be resolved, it wasn’t going to be in a public cafe.

your friend pushed you by the shoulders as you both shuffled out of the doors, you pulling out your phone to find another place to go to at the same time.

“shit.” was the only thing that rin had managed to mutter out as he saw the two of you running away from the cafe. it’s not that he wanted to avoid you. it’s that he was ashamed. he was scared that nothing he would say would amount to enough of an apology for what he said.

rin was scared that this was the end of you two. his worst fears of losing the one person he knew loved and understood him were coming true and is was his fault. the past few days were filled with doubt and regret, his teammates even noticing his practices were depleting.

the rest of the day came and went, your friend dropped you off back at your apartment where you collapsed on the couch, left with your thoughts once again. you were about to just pass out on your couch and ditch work the next morning, like you have been for the past few days.

that was until you heard a frantic knock on your door, jolting you awake. your worried expression dropped to one of annoyance and bitterness; it was rin. but, he looked different. his usually blank expression was now one of exhaustion and hurt.

he’d been..crying?

your eyes widened in confusion, you opened your mouth to tell him to leave before he cut you off.

“i’m sorry” he blurted out

he was looking down to you, except it was much different than before. rin looked desperate, his eye contact only further confirmed it.

he reached his hand out to place it on your shoulder, hesitating. you opened the door to let him in, sitting on the edge of your couch next to each other.

“i’m so sorry [name].”

“i know.”

“it was stupid, you mean so much to me and i..i ruined it.”

“i know.”

“please, you don’t need to forgive me now i just…”

he paused. rin’s head moved to look at the ground.

“i just need to know you won’t leave me. you can ignore me for as long as you’d like and i’d understand. but just…please i need you back” he begged, small tears brimming at his eyes, what a rare sight to see.

silence fell between the two of you, but it wasn’t like the comfortable silences you’ve shared before. it was tense and awkward.

“okay” your voice was barely above a whisper, “i won’t leave you, i think we both know that” you say with a smile.

rin looked back up at you, eyes wide, full of hope and relief.

“but listen i…” the moonlight only further highlighted just how much the two of you had been crying

“it’s gonna take some time. that was really fucked up, you know that?”

“yeah..yeah i know. i’m sorry. you’re nothing like her i-”

“i know.”

the two of you were now looking at each other, faces flushed from crying and relief. the silence was comfortable again.

“let’s just..go to sleep, yeah? we can talk about it in the morning, i think we both could discuss better afterwards” you offered, leaning closer to the armrest of your couch as you were too tired to go to your bed

rin hummed back in response, laying on your chest as he wrapped his arms around your waist. your hands found their way to his hair, heartbeats practically synchronizing.

“you know..i’m still not going to your game” you whispered, peeking one eye open to watch your boyfriend. he smiled, “i know” a laugh spilled out of his mouth before you both fell asleep.

[sagesolsticewrites]

touchstarved | Austin Butler x gn!reader

a/n: i was feeling incredibly touchstarved tonight and… this was the result dkfjadkfjh 

Word count: 942

Warnings: touch starvation, implications of depression?, reader is Not Doing Great mentally tbh (but it’s okay! happyish ending!!), would this qualify as hurt/comfort?? idk dkjghsdkh, I think that’s it? As always, please let me know if I missed anything!

Please like/rb if you enjoyed! 🤍

Masterlist | add yourself to my taglist!

day 59 since Austin had left for Australia.

nearly two months since you’d felt his arms around you at the airport, warm whispers in your ear of see you soon and i love you and get home safe and i’ll call you the second i land.

and he had. in fact, he had been diligent about calling you nearly every day, even if it was just for a few minutes, just to hear your voice, and sending you good morning, sweetheart and sweet dreams, beautiful texts across the 18-hour time difference between the two of you.

but none of that changed the fact that he wasn’t here to hold you, kiss you, hug you, and you hated it.

if you were honest, you hated yourself a little bit for feeling this way. this was the biggest break of his career, and you were feeling sorry for yourself because you wanted a hug?

but it was more than that. you hadn’t been very affectionate with anyone before Austin, but in the past year or so of dating him, you’d gotten used to having someone to hold hands with as you were walking down the street, to hug when you got home from work, to cuddle with as you watched a movie. you thought you’d be fine while he was gone — you’d been fine before, hadn’t you? — but every time you woke up to his side of the bed being cold, every time your hand dangled at your side, empty, on the way back from your favorite coffee shop, every time you found yourself hugging a pillow during your solo movie nights… you felt like you were missing something essential to you.

touchstarved.

you had come across the term on some social media or other and though you hadn’t quite admitted that that’s what you were feeling, you quietly did some research and invested in a weighted blanket, a body pillow, and some face masks for when you needed a self-care day. 

and they did help, at least for a while. but some part of your brain was frustratingly insistent that nothing was going to help like Austin actually being here was.

he won’t be back for a while, you mentally retorted, shifting under the weighted blanket and hugging the stuffed elephant Austin had gifted you on your birthday even closer, so deal with it.

it was at that moment you heard what sounded like keys jangling at your door.

you froze. you definitely weren’t expecting anyone. was someone breaking in?!

You carefully sat up, dropping the stuffed animal as your hand crept towards the baseball bat you had ready near your bedside table. should you call the police? you wondered, but as you experimentally tapped your phone, it stayed dark. dead.

steeling yourself, you tiptoed out to the living room. better to try to catch them before they took anything, you figured.

you still heard something jangling at the door — had whatever they were using to try to pick the lock gotten stuck? — so it seemed like you had the upper hand for now. adjusting your grip on the bat, you readied yourself as the knob finally turned and—

the bat slipped from your hands, clattering onto the floor as you tried to process Austin walking through the door, the excited smile on his face slipping towards a look of concern.

“hey— woah, honey… Y/N, sweetheart, is everything okay?”

“i… i thought you were someone trying to break in,” you respond numbly, blinking repeatedly as if to assure yourself that this was real, “what… are you doing here?”

“i wanted to surprise you,” your boyfriend replies with a sheepish grin, closing the door behind him and turning back to you with his hands raised in innocence, as if to show you he means no harm. he takes a step forward as he continues explaining, “we were a little ahead on filming, so Baz gave us a little break—“

that one small step, though, was enough to snap you out what whatever spell you were under, and his explanation is cut short as you crash into him, wrapping your arms around him and burying your face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his warm sandalwood scent that had slowly been fading from your pillows.

“i missed you,” you whisper against his skin, so soft that he doesn’t hear so much as feel your lips forming the words on his neck. you feel yourself shaking slightly, and under normal circumstances you’d be more than a little embarrassed, but right now you don’t care because he’s here, real and warm and solid underneath you.

“i missed you, too, sweetheart,” he chuckles in reply, though it’s tinged with worry as he feels you trembling. “hey, you okay?” he murmurs, moving to pull away so he can see your face, gauge how okay you really are.

but you don’t let him, your only reply being a nod of your head into the crook of his neck and a tightening of your arms around him, blinking back the tears pricking at the corners of your eyes as it hits you just how much you needed this. he relaxes, seeming to recognize that he won’t be escaping the circle of your arms anytime soon, instead pulling you closer and murmuring soft i love yous and i missed yous into your ear.

he can ask you about how you’re feeling later — because clearly this goes deeper than a normal long-distance trip — but for now he lets himself relax into your arms, trying to make up for the nearly two month’s worth of hugs that he’s missed from you.

[runin-reads]

Trans James Potter headcanons

This is just me brain dumping for my current prongsfoot WIP where James is a stealth trans guy and how this would affect the way he navigates relationships and his place in society. I try to base my writing on canon text so let me know if anything is inconsistent with the books

Not much would change. I see Sirius as someone who genuinely doesn’t care for a guys physical traits when it comes to falling in love. He’s perceptive and can see past a persons facade in seconds. He sees James as just another guy and falls for him because of his character— anatomy be damned. So wrt to their relationship they’d still be obsessed with each other and fit into that ‘two bodies one soul’ narrative

Nothing is off limits between them so I imagine Sirius would be very involved in James’ transition. He helps him do his T shots and he’s always the first person to notice and be told when James goes through a certain change

James would be the type to identify as a guy his entire life. It’s established in the books that his parents were very doting and wealthy, so even though they’re elderly I think they would accept James as their son and he’d have the support available to transition early on. James would be such a different person if his parents didn’t spoil him as a child, so I want to keep that aspect of his upbringing no matter what.

the way he would view his trans-ness would differ greatly from the current generation. I imagine there would be a huge dissonance between him and the label “trans” because he’s seen himself as a guy for as long as he can remember.

His idea of masculinity would be very hetero-normative given the time period he was raised in. His parents were happily married his entire life and I think their relationship would influence how he imagines his own future to be like. He wants to be a father to a child and a husband to a wife, and he subconsciously decides that that is the way a man should be.

In Snape's Worst Memory it’s implied that James cared a lot about what others think. While he and Sirius are antagonising Snape James kept looking back to see if the girls (namely Lily) were watching. I think being trans would only heighten this urge to be cool and popular. He’d love the attention he got from girls because it affirms his masculinity and he’d put a lot of effort into maintaining his image

I’ve already written about how prongsfoot (james/sirius) is queer coded. To add to that, there are two possible ways by which James deals with his not-so-platonic feelings for Sirius. One, he accepts these feelings much more easily than he would have in canon because he’s already trans so what’s a little more queerness. Two, he denies these feelings, preferring to stick to the hetero-normative standards set by his parents and society. (Both possibilities are based on my own experiences as a trans guy so trust me, trans people can still experience internalised homophobia)

On a more lighthearted note he’s the type of guy to try to put a permanent sticking charm on his packer/STP device lol. Key word: try. Sirius would talk him out of it but he would at some point find a way to use magic to keep his packer from falling out in the changing rooms etc.

His confidence would only grow once T starts taking effect on his body. He'd probably brag about his bottom growth to Sirius which, unbeknownst to James, ends up flustering Sirius a LOT

He doesn't bind because even though puberty blockers weren't used back in the 60s/70s, let's just say Monty and Effie found a magical alternative like a potion for example

idk if the wizarding world has its own equivalent of gender affirming care and I highly doubt JKR ever wrote about it, so I'll go off on a limb and say James uses both muggle and wizarding methods to transition depending on what's more convenient for the plot of my fic

NSFW

If j/s did fool around I think James would be pretty bossy in bed lmao and he'd be very adamant that Sirius should avoid 'female' terms for his body and stick to words like 'cock' or 'front hole'

It would take a long time for James to be open to intercourse so uh they'd get very creative in the meantime

not an expert on magic but James would definitely find a way to like charm his packer so that it gets erect and he can continue living in stealth.

[elvisabutler]

heyy can u write something about austin and the reader going over to the readers family and they’re showing austin and the reader old baby pictures of the reader and one comes up when she’s naked as a baby and her family takes it out thinking she’d be embarrassed and reader makes a joke about how “it’s nothing austin hasn’t seen before” but then she realizes what she is and her little cousins are confused and her family makes fun of them and stuff idk

now i've seen it all

summary: you go to a family dinner to introduce your new boyfriend austin to your family- finally- and well your mouth moves a little quicker than your brain does. rating: t at best. this is supremely tame for me. word count: 1224 warnings: none? it's talking about baby pictures that are naked but like i have those we all have those and they're fine. hell i have like two of my daughter because she was a silly girl in her infant bathtub when she could start sitting up in it. author's note: first off, thank you for this request, anon. it's actually super cute and i could picture it happening so well. second off, we're going for a non celeb reader because it's low key a little fun to write.

Dating Austin Butler was not on your to do list for 2021, nor was it on your to do list for 2022 and yet here you were a year into a relationship with an actor of all people. You figured this sort of thing only happened in fanfiction and maybe the movies. To have it happen in real life was a little mind boggling especially when it came to you, but what were you supposed to do when he came in regularly to the restaurant you worked at while filming Masters of Air. What's a girl to do when a guy isn't creepy and slips his number in with his signed credit card receipt.

One thing had led to another and then another and you found yourself with half your closet taken up by Austin's clothes and whispers of "maybe we'll move to Anaheim when I'm not booked solid, baby." You like the idea even if the idea of leaving all you've ever known behind is daunting.

Still, Austin has never met your family, has never met the crowd of people you come from who shaped you into the woman you are today and well- it's been a year and they deserve it. He deserves it so when he told you he had two weeks off from filming Dune 2 and you were able to get a bit of time off at work with some bribing and promises of being willing to cover way more shifts than you should have offered to cover you had the time to go visit your family for you think it's someone's birthday. Honestly, all the holidays and birthday blend together after a while and sometimes your family would just want to celebrate for kicks and giggles anyway.

You should have known that your family were going to do something to embarass you but you had thought that maybe just maybe you might escape it this once.

"Austin!" Your mother exclaimed, grabbing a book that you almost didn't recognize until you realized that it's a book filled with your baby pictures. "Come here, I want to show you these pictures! See what my baby looked like as an actual baby."

Austin looks at you and has what you can only describe as an evil smirk on his face before he practically skips over to your mother. "I'd love to see them." He pauses and plops right down next to your mom. "She never likes telling me stories about her as a baby."

Your feet feel heavy as you follow him and plop down on the other side of your mother, your leg bouncing because you're more than a little nervous at what pictures your mother is going to bust out. Austin's eyes meet yours over your mom's head as she's turning pages and he smiles softly trying his best to be reassuring. His lips mouth something that looks like "I love you" before turning his focus to your mother and the pictures she's showing him. Your brain sort of tunes her out for a bit as you focus on your younger cousins and nieces and nephews before you hear something about you being naked and running around the house and that jolts you awake so to speak. "Wait mom- what are-"

Austin's laugh reaches your ears before you have a chance to even see the photo as your eyes dart between him and your mom before your hand goes to grab the photo. "Oh no, babe this is- you've- you're literally running around with nothing on and your mom chasing after you with a towel."

"It's harmless sweetheart, he deserves to see how silly you were back then, running around naked like that's a thing you can do." Your mom reasons, as you try and grab the photo from her hand only to be swatted away.

You'll blame what you said later on the fact that Austin is looking at you with the sort of love you thought only existed in movies and books and the fact that your mother is practically cackling at your slight discomfort. Or it was just because you wanted to see her embarrassed not just you.

"I mean it's nothing Austin hasn't already seen before a million times over. He's even chased me with a towel before."

Those sentences causes everyone to freeze from the smallest of your cousins and nieces and nephews to your- oh dear god your grandmother. Austin has the decency to bite his lip to try and stop himself from laughing until the moment when your five year old niece pipes up with her own take on the matter.

"What does that mean, mama? Why is Uncle Austin chasing auntie around?"

You would like the floor to swallow you whole right in that moment. You feel the heat of embarrassment just settle into your bones and you sink into the couch just a little. Her mother saves the day by murmuring something into her ear with a glare at you and just like that the moment is broken and you're left to hear every single adult make a comment teasing you.

"In front of the kids!"

"We all know you do it but time and a place!"

"Didn't realize you two got up to such hankie pankie!"

By the end of it Austin is snickering, your mother is snickering and you have become one with the couch when you hear your father say something about dinner being ready and oh thank god, you can be free of this talk. You practically leap off the couch only to be caught by Austin wrapping his arm around you and pulling you close once he stands up. He's behind you and can't help but give you a kiss on the top of your head before he leans down to whisper in your ear.

"You were cute back then. Might want to not mention our sexual escapades next time you see a pic like that." He pauses and looks around before nipping at your earlobe. "Besides, your mom was about to get to pictures of you swimming and we both know how you are in a pool. I'll make this up to you later."

Your mom looks behind and sees the two of you and how you're standing and gives you a knowing look before eyeing the children running around. You nod and sigh. "Later, Aus."

He scrunches up his nose before moving to grab your hand. "Thank you. For having me come with you."

You shift your positions so that when you watch into the kitchen you're curled under his arm. "You're becoming my family, sort of have to introduce you to my actual family when that happens. Besides, figured you'd enjoy the chaos."

"I do." He chuckles. "Next time I have the chance I'll get together with my dad and sister and- my family meeting you."

There a soft laugh that bubbles up before you have a chance to stop it. "What's after that? You proposing?"

He shrugs and holds you a little tighter before eyeing the two left over open seats. "Maybe. Would you say yes?"

Your answer is simple as you sit down.

"Maybe."

[onestopfanficshop]

4th of july: pt 3

eddie munson x f!reader (adopted henderson sister)

word count: 1k

warnings/author's note: cursing, spooky shit in the woods 🤨 my brain decided to make this an au where eddie isn't in the wrong place at the wrong time so he isn't blamed for chrissy's death so there's that! i'm too lazy to write a summary for this also should i make a masterlist or something for this little series? idk okay enough rambling

read part 2 here

"And you're sure it's exactly like Hawkins?" Eddie asks. His knees are pulled up to his chest as he sits near the edge of Lover’s Lake, eyes watching the ripples on the water. You, Eddie, Dustin, and all of Dustin’s friends had made it back to Hawkins safely, albeit a bit shaken up. People poured out of the fair in droves, disappointed to have their time there cut short.

"The Upside Down? Yeah. And not only that, there's--" Dustin pauses, noting the disbelief on your face that you weren't trying to hide. He sighed dramatically. "Is there something you'd like to add, Y/N?"

"I'm sorry, am I expected to believe this? Eddie?” you say, hoping he’ll back you up. Eddie’s eyes flicker up to where you sat on your car hood.

“I dunno, sweetheart. A lot of weird shit’s happened in Hawkins. And with Chrissy dying like, a week ago, I mean… I dunno. It doesn't sound too far off if you really think about it,” he says, messing with his hair nervously.

You stare at him for a second, then start wordlessly rifling through your purse for the keys. You weren’t going to sit here and let everyone suffer listening to Dustin’s D&D fairytale theories. And you couldn’t believe that Eddie, of all people, was entertaining this bullshit.

“Come on, Y/N,” Dustin pleads, his hand gripping the driver's side door handle to block your path. “Do you have any other plausible explanation for what’s been going on in Hawkins for the past three-ish years? Will going missing and then coming back? Nancy’s friend dying? The huge fire?” Dustin says, the volume of his voice increasing with each word.

“Listen, I have no idea--” you’re cut short by the sound of the trees on the edge of the woods rustling.

“What… what was that?” Max asks. She cranes her neck, noting the swaying tops of the trees. “I think there might be someone lurking in there.” She pulls a flashlight out of her canvas backpack, creeping towards the forest.

“Max!” Lucas calls, running after her. Dustin, Will, and Mike follow after them.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” you sigh, exasperated. You and Eddie had no choice but to follow the little brats. The lower hanging foliage of the trees scraped your bare arms as you scurried after them. How Dustin managed to always get you into strange situations, you never knew, but you despised him wholly for it.

“Is this really necessary, guys? It was probably just a… y’know, a wild animal or something,” Eddie calls out a few paces behind you.

Max turns around abruptly from the front of the group, holding up a finger to shush everyone, and the group fell silent. She trained her flashlight towards the right, where she swore she had seen something move behind a tree. She moved closer towards it, and everyone huddled behind her, ready to pounce on whatever might be there. Lucas silently lunged to the side and grabbed a pathetic-looking twig, holding it up in a defensive position.

“Really, Lucas?” you whisper, side eyeing him. Just as Lucas was frantically waving his hand at you to shut the hell up, Dustin had jumped around the tree, screeching hysterically and waving his flashlight at whatever living being was hiding there.

"Steve?!" Dustin shrieks. You all turn the corner of the tree to see none other than Steve Harrington, eyes wide and mouth agape. "What in the everlasting hell are you doing here?"

"Henderson? What are you doing here?" Steve shoots back.

"Nuh-uh, I asked first," Dustin says, poking the flashlight into Steve's chest.

"I... heard about the power outage!" Steve says, snapping his fingers. "Yeah. That's it. So I um... decided to take a walk," he continues, looking pointedly at Dustin.

Dustin raises his eyebrows. "Cut the crap. I told Y/N and Eddie already," Dustin says, jerking his thumb back at you two. Steve looks at you as though he just realized you're there, causing Eddie to unconsciously snake his hand around your waist and hold on tight.

"Did you really have to?" Steve says, crossing his arms. You don't know if you imagine it, but you swear he's looking straight at Eddie when he says this.

"Duh, she's my sister," Dustin says, rolling his eyes. "And Eddie's... well, he's just Eddie."

Eddie responds to this by punching Dustin hard with his free hand, which just so happened to be the hand that he was wearing all of his rings on. Dustin yelps, holding his arm with his opposite hand.

"You do that again Munson, and I swear, it's gonna go from from 'Eddie's just Eddie' to 'Eddie's just dead'!" Dustin seethes. You step between your boyfriend and your little brother for what seems like the umpteenth time, planting a hand each on their chests to keep them apart. You sigh, directing your attention to Steve.

"Seriously, Steve, what were you doing out here alone? Especially with how dark it is right now. Something could've happened to you," you say. The wind howls as if to agree with you, and you pull Eddie's jacket closer around you for warmth.

"Well... you guys remember Chrissy, right?" Steve says quietly. You all nod your heads. How could you forget? Her murder was right after the big game, and it had completely erased any hope that Hawkins had of returning to normal. "Nance managed to snoop around the crime scene right after it happened somehow and... they hadn't moved the body yet. I'm telling you guys, there's no way a human being did this."

He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a folded-up photograph. You gingerly take it from his hands, hesitating for a moment before you finally decide to open it. Your eyes go so wide they begin to water, and the picture falls from your fingers. You stumble back a bit, unable to process what you had just seen. Chrissy's body looked like something out of a horror movie, something beyond the scope of human reality. Steve was absolutely right. There was no way a human being could do this. Between the whispers going around about her murder and what Dustin had just told you, it turns out your little brother wasn't bullshitting you after all. Evil really is residing in Hawkins, whether you wanted to face it or not.

"Holy shit," you whisper.

[my-name-is-jefferooni]

I listened to one edit audio and now I have a new Sonic AU.

Okay, well it's more like a What If, I guess.

So for context, I have this STH AU that I've been silently developing in my brain for the past like 2-3 years now, basically since I first joined the fandom. It's an idea I had where Sonic had a family and shit but then Eggman existed and they got killed and so the mad genius took Sonic under his wing. After a whole decade of being used as a literal lab rat, the blue hedgehog finally finds freedom in the form of the Resistance, (Ironically enough I've decided to add in more resistance factions. One of them is called the Freedom Fighters like the one from Archie and yet Sonic didn't find freedom with them lmfao) and befriends the main cast.

What I'm thinking of right now is a sort of aftermath of Eggman's rule being taken down, when everyone finally gets to live in peace. Sonic and his friends (Including Omega because HE IS AN MVP AND SHOULD NOT BE OVERLOOKED) have a little camping night and decide to tell ghost stories. Unfortunately, Knuckles being Knuckles, he took it all a bit too far and planned his whole story out after like a month of brainstorming. And I am not kidding when I say his story is fucking dark.

Mostly because it's actually my story lmfao but I digress.

It all begins when Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles are called by some random guy to help take care of some weird haunted house situation. Knuckles wants to help because he wants to prove to Tails that ghosts are very much real and are in fact very terrifying. Sonic joins him just for the hell of it, and Tails is there to make sure those two don't commit any war crimes without his permission first. And, well...

Suffice to say, they find more than just ghosts there! :D

The first obstacle they run into is an angry doll spirit of sorts. The spirit is a physical manefestation of a horrified, terrified, screaming body crying out for help, and it plants little seeds of poison or something of the sort in your appendages if you get too close. Its screams are loud and can shatter one's soul in an instant! It glitches all the time too, allowing it to go through walls with some effort. And when laying dormant, the spirit resides within a little itty-bitty doll with a distorted face.

After running away from that thing, the group runs into a crack monster. (It's scarier than it sounds trust me) It's a black, inky humanoid monster that comes out from the cracks in the floor, grabbing onto to anything it can reach and never lets go. The only way to make it loosen its grip is to cut its arm off entirely. Don't worry, that doesn't harm the monster, because it's already dead! It'll grow back a new arm anyway. :3

What comes after this guy is a mix between a vampire and a ghost. This guy is a little more confusing cuz I didn't flesh it out very much but it kinda only shows up in pitch-black areas. No light to be found when ur with this guy! It's a bit more neutral compared to the other spirits. Just don't provoke it and you should be relatively fine! Key words: You should be fine.

Next up is a brain-sucking bat! (idk man I just wanted something that crawled around on the ceiling but a spider didn't feel right) And I know that doesn't sound as haunting as the others but trust me, it is terrifying! I don't know how to explain it, it just kinda crawls around on the ceiling and waits for you to lose your mind.

The next one is by far one of the scariest. Don't read this next paragraph if you have depression or have lost a loved one because it may be a little tough.

This spirit is... Interesting, to say the least. I still have yet to fully flesh out this one but basically it's a completely humanoid figure, no face, no eyes or mouth, just long thin hair in clumps on the scalp. It's not a full head of hair, it's all just scattered about like they put too much bleach on or something. And there is always a very strange aura around it as well... The neck is split in two, their hands tied in a noose and their feet tightly bound with shackles. Their only mode of transportation is eerily floating about, and it gains speed if it decides it wants to chase you. If you get too close, your neck will snap and you'll immediately collapse on the floor, dead. Knuckles and Tails don't have any interactions with this spirit, but Sonic does, and he somehow manages to make it out alive. However, the encounter changes him for the worst.

These spirits all reside within a seemingly small house, at least on the outside. When the three Mobians step inside though, they immediately get trapped inside and discover the house is far bigger than they could've ever imagined. It's dark inside, with hardly any light available, and every room feels cramped despite everything. Hallways are like mazes, and bedrooms are filled with this creepy, terrifying aura that can paralyze you just from stepping inside. So suffice to say, none of them have a good time.

The three begin to change as time goes on. Tails loses an arm to the first spirit, the doll one, and he has no way of replacing it. He becomes saddened, apathetic, but still holds out hope in finding some sort of exit. If not for himself, then for his brothers.

Knuckles becomes extremely paranoid, flinching at every little sound, movement, or wisp of the wind. The sight of dust just existing sends him into an internal panic, and encountering spirits just sends him into "Defend brothers at all costs" mode. He's also just the slightest bit selfish, but it's only because of his uncontrollable survival instincts and his heightened paranoia. He is prone to mood swings, but they're not nearly as bad as Sonic's.

As for the blue devil himself, Sonic just. Went insane. There is no downplaying it, he is a goner. There is still a strong moral code within him and he never wishes harm on anyone, least of all his brothers! However, when it comes to social queues or listening to what anyone has to say, he's just. Gone. He also experiences very drastic mood swings! They're so bad that one second he'll be crying and being all sad and pathetic, and then the next he'll be all happy and giddy and hyping everyone up! This still makes him the hype-man of the group despite everything. Due to his changing emotions, Sonic does tend to get a bit aggressive from time to time, and constantly belittles his brothers without meaning to. The others are understanding, but after he eventually realizes what he says or does, he becomes inconsolable, and his two companions just have to let him stew in his regret for a while. It never ends well, but when all is said and done, Sonic means well and just wants to get out like the rest of them.

After an undecided amount of time, the three do find an exit and begin to leave, but the crack monster gets ahold of Sonic's entire fucking body and puts its whole weight into it too. Knuckles and Tails don't have anything on them at the time to save Sonic, but they refuse to leave without him. The crack monster begins calling for its companions, and Sonic starts begging for his brothers to leave him behind. He's scared and he's hurting and he knows he'll be in even more pain if they leave, but they're family. Sonic can't just let his family share that pain.

Knuckles and Tails insist on staying, but after Sonic continuously begs them to leave, screaming and crying and trying to shove them away, and... Well... The two have no choice but to oblige.

The three give each other very quick and clipped goodbyes since the other spirits are literally like right outside the room, and then just like that... Knuckles and Tails are gone.

And Sonic is alone.

[inklingofadream]

(1/3) Heartbreaking! Here's what I imagine: The gang doesn't know/can't trust anyone, and they can't just go back to their old jobs (it'll take DECADES for Sasha to learn computers again), so all they can do is play boardgames (freshly bought) and debate in circles. Why is Jon avoiding them? What has Jonah done to him? Is he in danger now? (How should they kill Jonah?) Beholding got them back only for them to sit around worried and bored. Jonah recognises why Beholding did this, that Time wasn't

(2/3) a viable solution after all. This realization does not lead to any kind of useful personal development. They were doing FINE. Jon could be happy if he just TRIED. Jon feels terrible because HE did this to his friends and he can't even support them properly. But he's also frustrated and defensive when they try to push him on WHY he seems to prefer the guy they all - to them so recently - agreed was Bad. Danny's especially hurt. Jon walks on eggshells around everyone, and ironically feels

(3/3) more alone than ever. He spirals. Everyone Hates Him. He doesn't want to hurt Jonah. He doesn't want to get hurt by him. Should he just leave for a while? But then he can't keep his friends safe... Also word quickly spreads about Team Blessed by Beholding and the gang has to deal with being creeped on by the entire cult as they're basically THE Apostles of the Messeyeah. No one knows who they actually are though, so people just collectively create a rather unhinged mythology on the spot.

(4/4) Secret message: I honestly don't know if you appreciate long brain-dumping messages like this. If you don't, just don't respond to the three previous asks and I'll stop :) Also, please don't take it as pressure to continue this particular storyline or even to write more in general, I'm just really excited about your whole au thing and I wanted to share the picture it has painted in my brain today. xoxo Jonah ask anon

yesssss love a brain dump, love your asks

The one solid Thing I know happens post-resurrection is that they Can't live in the barracks. Like it's just not feasible. Aside from the fact that several of these people Did Not Sign Up For This and Will try to peace out and make their way in the world (which Jonah obviously can't allow for both control and logistical reasons, they don't have money or ID and they'll probably like. get shot by Robocop idk future struggles) a separate and rapidly-becoming-fancier room(s) next to Jon's is constructed. Like it might be their own mini compound with a separate bathroom/living room/bedrooms but my initial gut instinct is bunk beds. The kind that's a twin on top and a double or queen on bottom, because there are two married couples. Bed 1: Sasha/Michael on bottom, Gerry on top; bed 2: Georgie/Melanie on bottom, Martin on top; Bed 3: regular bunk bed, the Stokers, I think I might actually have stated who was top bunk and who was bottom when they lived in the Institute so it's whatever I said then

That aside, it has a door like Jon's that locks from both inside and outside, and another that connects to Jon's rooms that can only be locked from Jon's side, with a single key only he has. There is Drama about keys, because it's been part of being the Archivist, on the same level as taking statements, for a VERY long time and Gerry Is Coming To Collect. The separate room reasoning is we used to sleep in Jon's room but he's avoiding us and if he isn't here he's with Jonah which is obviously unacceptable, so we need somewhere to clear out to so he'll come back.

I also think one of the things Jonah decides is that clearly they weren't Beholding enough before if they died (ignoring that it Did Not think through stuff like that, this was not on its radar before Jon told it directly) so we need to fix it so it doesn't happen again. He manages enough logic to corner them into New Tattoos, something Gerry designs that goes around their wrists or over their hearts, I think. Because Jonah mixes the Getting Shot By Robocop concern and the Jon concern into Jon being afraid he's just going to lose them again so he's avoiding them.

This does not help Jon's fear and guilt complex! Also, bad news! it's been a long time since Jon got his! Jonah has filled a New Jar Of Eyes! But I think Georgie is something of a blindspot even WITH a tattoo, which Jonah Hates

Also definitely a thing is that the current James-Shelleys are in a super weird position. Like we're past the point of anything beyond "Jon was such good friends with them 🥰" to have been remembered. But there's still a definite family resemblance to several of them. And what do you even do with that? From either end?

And I think Gerry at least is sympathetic to Jon's situation. He's very clear on Jonah having manipulated Jon into it, but he gets How. Vs several of the others having it snag their brains in a way that makes them defensive and passive aggressive and a bit mean. They come around before too long, but it's well past the point where Martin and Tim have become lifelong Complaining Buddies. But Gerry sees stuff like Jonah coming up to see wtf is happening when they arrive and Jon SPRINTING across the room and wrapping around him and recognizes it. It's the exact same way Jon used to try to fuse with HIS side when he was upset or scared. It's a bit less platonic, the image of the gang getting tattoos in my head has Jon fancied up and sitting in Jonah's literal lap bc he's so upset, but it's the same pattern. And Gerry gets a share of the guilt complex bc being like 90 years old is not a good enough excuse for having Abandoned His Best Friend

And I think the thing that eventually resets everyone's view of Jon is Jon not caring if they go in his rooms because he is Gone Gone Gone and Gerry remembering how Jon appeared from between the clothes. Cue a very Scooby Doo searching-for-hidden-rooms montage and some Big Emotions when they find what Jon saved, how carefully it's kept in climate controlled cases and STILL falling apart in many cases. It drives home both that Jon DID miss them terribly- he was literally in there when they appeared- and how enormous the time without them really was.

(cue Beholding FREAKING OUT because that makes them decide they need some Serious Jonah-free strategizing, because obviously he'll try to sabotage them as much as he can without alienating Jon. And the tunnels are right there. And it may not care as much about them, but it tried SO hard to make Jon happy and now they're GONE what HAPPENED Jon is going to CRY!!)

(also "Jon could be happy if he just TRIED" pinged something in my brain, so if anyone is interested in Jonelias-flavored manipulation, heavy Jon whump, and Elias having absurd unreasonable expectations I highly recommend The Haunting of Elias Bouchard it's an absolute gutpunch)

[vaguelyprophetic]

It was a “5 things you didn’t say at all (stewy/roman)” post! It could just be a fault on my end but each time I click on keep reading it shows a blank page. If you still have it somewhere and would be willing to share I’d love to read it <3

OHHHH YES!!! that was a mini fic from a prompt list I had reblogged agessss ago. idk what happened to the actual post but I still have the draft in my docs!! so here you go :-)

5) Things you didn’t say at all

His therapist had told him he should try keeping a journal. Roman is one hundred percent sure that that’s some bullshit. He can barely bring himself to talk about his feelings with a professional, much less write them down and be forced to confront them by himself.

“Just give it a shot,” Dr. Rossi had told him. “A couple of weeks. Doesn’t matter how often you do it or how much you write, just that you write something, alright?”

Roman had reluctantly agreed, so now he’s sitting in front of his laptop, glaring at the empty word document in front of him.

They had agreed that he could type instead of writing it out. Actually writing in a journal feels a bit too fucking teenage girl for Roman’s taste. He’s not going to scribble his crush’s name in the margins and draw little hearts around it. He’s a grown ass man. He types shit. And it’s easier to hide shit on a computer. He doesn’t know where in the apartment he would hide a notebook that wouldn’t be at risk of being found. He knows Stewy wouldn’t go snooping, but he doesn’t know what excuse he could come up with to explain it. If he’s being forced to keep a journal, he would much rather have it on his laptop, buried six folders deep, the way he used to hide porn when he was a teenager. 

This is stupid, he types. He deletes the last few letters, then thinks better of it. He’s supposed to be writing down whatever he feels. And he feels that this is stupid. He finishes the word again. 

“What the fuck am I supposed to write about?” he had asked Dr. Rossi. 

She had considered him carefully for a moment, as if she was trying to figure out how to explain it in a way that wouldn’t piss him off. She spends a lot of time in their sessions figuring out ways to explain things in ways that won’t piss him off. 

“About how you’re feeling. What you’re thinking. Hell, you could even write about what you had for lunch. It’s just about getting words out of your brain and onto paper. Trust me. I think that once you get yourself to start, you’ll find that it actually feels good.”

Roman had stopped himself from saying that he highly doubted it. 

The word document is mocking him.

I’m not going to talk about my feelings. That’s stupid. It doesn’t make any difference if I write things down or if I just think them. This is a stupid assignment. 

Dr. Rossi hadn’t told him that he had to bring in the journal as proof. He kind of wants to, anyway, just to show her how fucking stupid it is. 

“Maybe you can write about Stewy,” she had suggested.

Roman had scoffed at that, but now when he thinks about it, he thinks that maybe it’s not such a terrible idea. As long as Stewy will never see it. As long as no one will ever see it.

Stewy is okay. I like him. He’s fine.

He lets out a long sigh. 

He’s always been really good at lying to himself.

He deletes the line and starts over.

I think I’m in love with Stewy.

Which shouldn’t be a big deal. It really shouldn’t. It’s NOT a big deal. That is something that happens to normal people. They fall in love, usually. Some people don’t. I didn’t think I would. Maybe I’m more normal than I thought I was. (Haha).

Roman taps his fingers lightly on the keys before he types: He makes me feel safe. 

It feels stupider to see it in words. He doesn’t delete it. 

He makes me feel like a real person. He makes me feel normal, sometimes. I guess as normal as I can be. He treats me like I’m normal. He doesn’t treat me like I’m broken or fucked up (even though he knows I am). He treats me the way I think you’re supposed to treat people you care about.

And, okay, yeah, this journal has already spiraled into teenage girl bullshit territory. Here he is, sitting in their bed—Stewy’s bed, he corrects himself—writing about his feelings. He almost wants to write Roman Hosseini as a joke. He doesn’t.

Okay so maybe I love him.

He asks the journal So what?, as if it’s judging him for the words he’s putting into it. Maybe it is. He definitely feels judged, but maybe that’s just him.

Maybe I love him. 

I love him.

Seeing the words in writing doesn’t make it feel any different than it already felt. So he was right—take that, Dr. Rossi. Writing them down doesn’t make a goddamn difference. 

He stares at the screen for a little while longer. The cursor is still blinking, waiting just past the period on the end of him. Roman tries to think of something else to say. He doesn’t think there’s anything else to add. 

So there it is, staring back at him. 

He closes out the word document, saves it as Therapy bullshit, moves it as many folders deep as he can, and shuts his laptop. He doesn’t want to think about how it will still be waiting for him the next time he forces himself to open the document back up. That’s a problem for future him.

He doesn’t think he’ll say it. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever say it. But it’s there, and it will wait for him, as patient as can possibly be.

[britswriting]

Devotion (20)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

T/W: Talk of rape, domestic abuse, abortions, parental death 

Smut Warnings: Oral sex (f), anal play/fingering, cream pie, name calling (slut, whore), spit play(?) - idk how many warnings to give. I'm not used to this lol

Half-ass edited because it's 10k words (my bad-) and I'm tired and I'm embarrassed of my smut so I don't wanna relive though lolol bye

*Leighton's POV*

I wanted to watch my sister's abuser's life drain from their eyes as my hands wrapped around their neck as I watched the tears pour down her face as she hid herself from the public.

Every bone in my body wanted to find him and tear him into pieces, but my heart wanted to wrap my sister in a big hug and never let her go.

The metal from the chair scraped against the floorboards as I got up, Lexi's head snapping out of her hands to see what I was doing, quickly being met with my arms wrapping around her, pulling her as best as I could into my chest; working around my bump.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that" I whispered against her hair, my hold tight as she shook in my arms, her hot tears landing on my collarbones.

After a few minutes, I could feel the other consumers stare searing my skin, pulling away to grab our things and drag her out of there as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

 "What about my car?" Her voice cracked, the two of us reaching Colby's SUV.

Colby's been using my car lately, having given me his SUV that he got after he totaled his car; telling me, "You have Gemma most of the time" which didn't make sense since we're only two people, but then he listed all the safety features and practically threw the keys at me, claiming "I like cars better anyway" making me think he bought the SUV for me, and not him; but that's a fight for another day.

"We can come back and get it, let's just get out of here. You deserve to breakdown privately; not in front of nosy coffee shop drinkers''

I drove back to my apartment with my little sister crying next to me, profusely apologizing for breaking down, even though I completely understood the mental torture that came with not only having such thing happen to you, but processing it yourself, and sharing it with someone you're close to. It's a lot.

I unlocked the door to the apartment, slipping off my shoes and setting down my bag as I wandered into the kitchen to grab her something to drink, fetching nearby Kleenex and meeting her on the couch.

Once she pulled herself together and the used Kleenex was thrown away, I decided it was best to emotionally bond with her first. 

"I'm sorry that happened to you" I replied quietly, listening to her sniffles as she wiped under her eyes. "I uh, I'm not bringing this up to make it about me, but to let you know I understand part of what you're feeling. I've been raped before" I stated, my tone numb as I tried to close off that part of my brain. Lexi's eyes lifted from the ground, widening as her lips parted, "Not just once.. or twice. I understand how horrific and violating it feels. I don't know what it feels like to have a loved one do that to you. Gabe and I never had a good relationship.. we didn't have what you and Brennen did, and I'm so incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. I'm also so sorry that you had to go through it for so long, and that you were alone. I'm glad you finally told me, and that you think so highly of our relationship that you could share that with me. I just.. I want you to know, I understand; and the reason I never told you, is because you're my baby sister. It isn't that I didn't trust you, or want you to know. It's that my job.. as your older sister, is to protect you from the world. To guide you through life, and I'm very sorry that I've failed to do that for so long" 

"Leighton, you didn't fail me. You told me not to date him" She replied.

"I could've done more" I huffed, picturing Brennen's punch-able face.

"I'm an adult, Leighton. I made a mistake. It's my mess"

"Well it shouldn't have to be your fucking mess!" I snapped, "You shouldn't have to have gone through all this bullshit! You shouldn't have to be put in this place of shitty decision making, and it's bullshit that you can't tell anyone all because of this shitty society! He should've never laid his hands on you, or had non-consensual sex. Lexi, listen to me, and listen to me closely. His shitty actions say nothing about you as a person—"

"I should've left" She interrupted.

My head  shook, "No. His bullshit is not your fault. I don't care if you were in racy lingerie or the baggiest sweatshirt. It isn't your fault that he's an asshole. I'm telling you this to show you I understand, not to put the attention on you or gain sympathy, okay?" I started, Lexi nodding slowly. "Do you remember when I got arrested?" I asked, Lexi's eyes narrowing, nodding. "I was high off my mind and just completely out of it. Of course I didn't comply immediately. I mean, what young girl wants to go to jail?" I chuckled, swallowing the lump that was forming in my throat. "I was put in the police car, hands cuffed behind my back and I ended up being sexually assaulted by the officer in the back. His reasoning? It was because I was another drug filled "prostitute" who needed to take it like she deserved if I was going to walk around down in a tank top and shorts"

"Is that why you stopped wearing that?" Lexi asked quietly and I nodded slowly.

"I wore them when I was pregnant because it was fucking hot out and it was part of my therapy. But me being high and wearing shorts and a tight tank top was not a reason for him to do what he did to me and whatever Brennen told you, or whatever scenarios you're playing through in your head has nothing to do with his horrific actions and I'm so incredibly sorry I couldn't protect you from that"

"I'm sorry you've gone through that" She sniffled, wiping under her eyes, my own head shaking again.

"You don't need to apologize. It's been a while, and I've done my trauma work that I've gotten through a lot of that PTSD feelings. I just want you to know that this doesn't break you forever. If you do the work, as hard as it is, one day you can be with someone again. Don't let Brennen ruin relationships for you. Ruin love and happiness that you can find within other people. If I have let every single time someone has done those things to me stop me from proving them wrong, I would've never had Gemma, or met Colby and now be pregnant with our own baby girl" I smiled, my hands rubbing over my stomach; Lexi's eyes lighting up. 

"It's a girl?" She asked and I nodded, Lexi shooting up off the couch to come hug me. "Congratulations, Leighton! So.... have you thought about names?" She grinned, the twinkle shining bright in her eyes.

"It's definitely been a topic of discussion. Why? Do you have any good ones?" 

"Lexi's pretty great" She grinned, my eyes rolling at how cheesy and cliche that was.

"I only have room for one Lexi in my life" 

"Oh but you have room for two Gemma's?"

"I don't know about you, but I call mom, mom" I teased, smirking before giggling when Lexi's eyes rolled.

Lexi and I talked a bit about my pregnancy and the comparisons I've noticed between Gemma and this baby before she suggested baby names, finally asking the million dollar question, "Whose last name is she going to have?"

"Brock. If I'm going to marry Colby, I'd like her to have his last name. Colby's a lot more involved than Gabriel ever was"

Lexi's eyebrow raised, "You guys are still getting married?" 

My own furrowed in response, "What?"

"I haven't heard anything about a wedding"

"We haven't planned one"

"See"

"See, what?"

"See, this is why I thought you weren't getting married"

"We're engaged? We're moving into a house together? We're having a kid together?" 

"I didn't mean to offend you. I just didn't know you guys were still going through with it"

"Kay, well, you've been preoccupied with breathing trash" I huffed, pushing myself up out of the chair, practically panting as I wobbled on my feet.

Lexi reached forward to stable me, my glare quickly stopping her actions as she muttered, "Just trying to help"

"I'm pregnant. There is a lot of disproportionate weight. I wobble. I'm fine"

I heard the front door click open as I walked into the kitchen, Colby and Gemma's voices bringing a smile to my face up until I heard Colby's odd tone as he greeted my sister.

I quickly moved to stand in the archway of the kitchen, seeing Gemma hugging my sister and Colby giving her a weird look, before looking over at me with a squinted gaze mouthing, "What's she doing here?"

I waved him off, painting a smile on my face as I walked over to greet him, giving him a quick kiss before asking if Gemma was hungry.

"Are you staying for dinner?" I asked Lexi, Gemma immediately pleading, tugging on Lexi's clothes.

The five of us wounded up seated at the kitchen table, Colby scooping dinner onto Gemma's plate whilst I filled her cup with milk.

I felt Lexi's eyes on us both as we moved around the kitchen, bumping into each other a few times making the two of us chuckle as I blamed our unborn child for messing with my depth perception.

Colby and I finally sat down, Colby tucking Gemma's napkin into her shirt making me grin out of amusement.

"Well don't you look proper Gem" I teased.

"Wook silly" Gemma complained, taking the napkin out, throwing it back at Colby who gasped.

"Gemma" My tone disapproving, "We don't throw things. What do you say to Coco?"

 "Sorry, Coco" She mumbled, Colby kissing the top of her head as an  accepted apology.

Dinner felt awkward with Lexi just quietly watching, barely contributing to our table talk.

Colby got Gemma ready for bed as I put leftovers away, Lexi helping me clean up the dishes since it was getting harder to bend over and load the dishwasher.

"Gemma's waiting for a goodnight hug and kiss before letting her lids close" Colby informed, his hand against my back as he moved behind me.

I nodded, drying my hands on the dishrag before making my way to Gemma's bedroom.

"Mommy?" Her little tired voice spoke, melting my heart.

"Hi baby. Coco get you ready for bed?"

"Mhm"

"Have a nice warm bath? Brush your teeth? Nice comfy jammies?" I checked, Gemma nodding as she rolled over in her blankets. "You're getting so big baby" I sighed, carefully sitting down on the floor next to her toddler bed. "Was it nice seeing Auntie Lexi?"

"Yes! Missed her"

"Yeah? Mommy missed her too. You're going to sleep so good for momma, right? Have the best-est dreams ever! So good that you tell me about them in the morning, okay?" I kissed her forehead, Gemma giggling with a nod. "Coco and I will be in our room if you need us, okay? If you hear weird noises, momma gets up to go potty in the middle of the night, okay? Nothing to be scared of. Just your little sister making me have to pee" I reassured her, remembering that toddlers start to enter a fearful period of sleeping in the dark. "Do you want the noise machine on?" I asked, grunting as I got up, feeling a pull in my back as my weight shifted to stabilize my hips.

"Yes, peas"

I clicked it on, listening to the woosh sound before clicking on her night light.

"All good?" I questioned, picking up her dirty clothes with my feet, carefully reaching for them with my hand before tossing them into her hamper.

"Yes!"

"Alright lovebug. You have the best dreams ever, okay? Sleep so well for me so you can have fun at tumbling tomorrow. I love you so much, bug" I smiled, Gemma squeezing her stuffed cow.

"Wove you, momma"

"Love you more, Gemma Lorraine. Sleep well. I'll be in my room if you need me, okay?" I reminded for the last time, Gemma nodding as she shut her eyes, allowing me to slip out, leaving the door cracked so she could wander out if she needed.

"She go down?" Colby asked, myself nodding, taking a seat on the couch where Lexi was. "I'm going to go shower" Colby informed, already walking down the hall before I could reply.

"Thanks for helping clean up. I appreciate it. Things are starting to get a lot harder as this belly grows" I sighed.

"It was no problem. Least I could do. I uh, sorry if this is uh.. crossing a line? But uh, do you regret having Gemma so young? I mean, um.. like.. if you could redo it and still have the same daughter, would you in hindsight want to be older?"

"I think everyone who has kids young would say so. It's really personal preference and what your situation looks like. Obviously, if you're well off and can swing it, I don't see why it would be an issue unless you didn't want kids. Is this because you're expecting, or?" 

"You and Colby just seem like you have it all together and I just.. I can't see myself like this. Having a child depend on me. A family so young.. I just.." she paused.

"Lex, if you don't want it, no one says you have to. There are a lot of choices. If it isn't abortion, there's adoption. If you want to go through the pregnancy, and not have the baby, you can always put it up for adoption"

"But can I really go through life knowing my kid is just out there somewhere possibly one day looking for me?"

"I can't give my opinion here Lex. I didn't go through with that and I'm not saying you have to follow my footsteps, but I didn't see myself having Gemma so young either and even after all we've been through, I love that little bug more than I could've ever thought. That doesn't mean my story will also be yours. It's your body, your life, your choice, Roo. Look, just stay here tonight. It's getting late, we'll get your car tomorrow. Guest room is all yours and we can make your doctor appointment tomorrow. Talk to the professionals. Hear them out. Discuss options, worries etcetera. That's what they're there for"

I said goodnight to Lexi after making sure she had everything she needed, and knew where the dishware, extra toilet paper and spare toothbrushes were before crawling into bed naked.

"Well hello there" Colby grinned, leaning over to kiss me. "Did I miss the memo? Isn't your sister down the hall?"

"Shut up, I need to buy more sleep clothes and my nipples are sensitive , I don't want stuff touching them — You lick or touch them I'll castrate you!" I warned, Colby holding his hands up in defense as I shifted the comforter to sit under my bare chest.

"So you're just going to have your boobs on display and I can't touch?"

"You can look" I grinned, leaning over to plug my phone in before rolling back onto my side so I could breathe. "I'm starting to hit that point where I can't wait to get this girl out of me. I miss laying on my back and being able to breath. Or bend over and not be out of breathe"

"Just a few more months, babe"

"I know" I sighed, my eyes falling shut. "Speaking of, we need to find a new house so I'm not bringing my baby home to no nursery and an apartment filled of boxes"

"You haven't told me where you want to live"

"Lies!" I gasped, my eyes opening again, "I suggested we go back to Minnesota, I just am nervous to pull us away from everyone we know" I frowned.

"Leigh, we've gotta start doing things for ourselves"

"But!" I whined, Colby's head tilting, ready to test me, "Ugh!" I groaned, "I just, your family finally moved closer to us, and we'd be moving right back near where they just  left! And my moms dying and I can't just abandon my dad, and Lexi's finally back and I just... I feel like I'm abandoning everyone"

"Leighton, we can stay here"

"But I don't want to stay here!" I whined, stuffing my face into my pillow before I started to not be able to breath, shifting back, "I don't know what I want. I just don't want to bring my baby home into chaos. I want to do this right"

"Leighton, baby, we've got time. If moving to Minnesota is going to make you happy, then let's start looking at houses there. If anything, we can always move back in with your aunt and uncle until we have a house"

I groaned, wishing I would've pulled my shit together a lot sooner.

The next few days, I felt like I was running around like a chicken with their head cut off as I continued to figure out the housing situation with Colby, having to get in contact with Aunt Melissa about us visiting to go house hunting (She doesn't know the latter though), arguing with my dad about taking my mom off life support, and hurrying to meet Lexi at the hospital as her emotional support system for the chaos that is her being pregnant.

I stayed in the waiting room, wanting to give Lexi privacy to talk about anything she wanted without prying eyes and ears, anxiously awaiting her to come out as I got comments from different expecting moms asking me if I was due around the corner due to my belly size.

Instead of yelling that I'm not due next week, I just smiled and nodded, keeping my thoughts - and hands to myself, exhaling a breath of relief as Lexi walked back into the waiting room over to the front desk.

Once she came back to me, I offered a smile and pushed myself out of the chair, grunting when my hips brushed against the sides.

Stupid hospital chairs.

"Hey! How'd it go?"

"It went.. well. I'm definitely pregnant"

"Is that.. a good thing?" I asked carefully, Lexi sighing. "Bad then? I'm sorry" I apologized, confused when she shook her head.

"Just means I have important decisions to make"

"That you do. Are you coming back to mom and dads?" 

"Yeah. Gotta fight with you about this mom situation"

"Yeah.. I think I'm going to lose the war though" I sighed, praying I didn't let my emotions start to spiral too much. "Are you going to tell mom and dad about the uh.. situation?"

Lexi immediately disagreed, "Not unless I'm keeping it"

~

"Leighton, if you're here to fight with me, it's too late" My dad warned, pouring cereal into a bowl for Gemma.

"Too late?!" My voice shrieked. 

"The dates have been set" he stated, sounding so heartless it was mind boggling.

"Excuse me?"

"October 14th-"

"THAT'S IN A WEEK?!" I shouted, Gemma looking over at me, quickly reminding me little ears are around. "Dad-"

"Leighton. We can't keep prolonging it. She's not getting any better honey"

"Why can't you just keep her on life support?" I argued, my dad sighing.

"Because it's expensive Leighton"

"So, what? Mom isn't worth it?" I scoffed, my dad shooting me a warning look that I've seen one too many times.

"Leighton Rae, your mother is the love of my life. It kills me to do this, but watching her suffer isn't how I wanted things to go. She isn't getting any better. We're only prolonging her pain, and our grief. I hate this just as much as you do, but Leighton, it's happening one day or another. A week gives everyone to stay their goodbyes and for the nurses to prepare things and for me to start calling funeral homes-"

"Funeral homes?! Are you hearing yourself!"

"What's a fune-rel 'ome?" Gemma asked, the words sounding out of place from her little mouth.

"It's a place where family and friends go to show their loved and appreciation for the love ones they can't see anymore" I replied, dancing around the word death.

"Leighton, I'm telling, not asking. I'm hoping you'll act like an adult now that you are one" He raised a brow at me, his face full of disapprovement as I let out a harsh exhale through my nose.

A week wasn't long enough for me to say goodbye. Not only was I not the only one who had to say goodbye, meaning I'd have to share my precious time, but it wasn't welcomed! 

I already felt bad for always being up in her room, away from my own little family, but now with the thoughts of moving away from they'll all need me, I felt insanely selfish.

I laid in my parents bed, my hand grasping my mom's boney one as tears quietly streamed down my face as I tried to memorize this moment. I didn't want to waste a single second. 

I slowly pulled myself together, wiping the salty tears off of my cheeks, jaw, neck and lips before placing my moms hand on my belly, taking in the sight.

She'll never meet my baby.

My little girl will never know her grandmother.

My mother will never see me get married, or move into my first house, or live happily ever after like she wanted. She'll only know me as the mess that has always been my life. Her daughter is a walking talking hurricane, who can't make up her mind to save her life. She'll never see me finally flourish, or watch her grandchildren start to live her life. I feel like I'm losing her before my life ever really began.

"That's your grandbaby, mom" I smiled softly, moving her hand against my stomach. "Maybe she'll kick for us. Little one, can you say hi to Nonna?" I cooed, my own hand caressing the side of my stomach. Every once in a while there would be a flutter, but it wasn't too often that I felt them.

"Mommy! Nonna!" Gemma squealed, running into the room and crawling up onto the bed. 

"And that's your other grandbaby, mom" I giggled, quickly reminding Gemma to be careful. "Want to put your hand on mommy's belly?" I asked, Gemma moving to straddle my leg, placing her palms on my clothed stomach. "Feel silly?" I giggled, Gemma nodding.

"Baby inside?"

"Mhm. Your little sister is in here. You excited to meet her?"

The next few days family members came in and out throughout the days, each night ending with Colby and I sitting with Logan and my dad in their room, helping the night nurse bathe my mom and brush through her hair, rubbing the lotion onto her skin and making sure there were no kinks in her cords.

Lexi stood in the doorway and I quickly slipped out of the room, giving her privacy only to peek in a few hours later, seeing her painting polish on my moms nails, talking to her softly.

"Hey" Colby's soft voice startled me, his hands wrapping around my waist, "Whatcha doing?" 

"Watching"

"Creeping?" He teased, pressing his thumbs into my shoulder blades, working out the tight muscles.

"It just feels weird watching everyone start to get ready to say goodbye. It feels wrong"

"Because it is wrong, Leigh. Your moms still young. You're still young. It isn't time yet, but sadly, we don't get to pick life's timeline" 

"I hate knowing there's a deadline" I shifted in his hold, shoving my face into his chest. "I feel like I'm running out of time. Like I haven't finished the checklist yet"

"What checklist?"

"Ya know, like your life bucket list?"

"Bucket list? For your mom?" His lips twitched slightly, holding back a smirk as I hit his chest.

"You can't make fun of your fiancé who's losing her mom! It's against the rules! And yes, a bucket list pre se. I just, I never imagined getting married without my mom. I never imagined having kids, and my mom not being there whenever I needed her. I just.. I feel like I'm failing"

"You're not failing, baby. You're doing life at your pace. You're not even 30 yet. Losing your mom sooner than you imagined, doesn't make you a failure. It fucking sucks and that's the understatement of the year, but you're far from a failure. We both know how proud she is of you. Getting married won't change that. Buying a house won't change it"

"But.. she won't be there. The only memories I'll have are her absence in such huge milestones of my life—wait-"

"What?"

"I said wait, you asshole!" I laughed, pulling away from him, "Do you have plans, say, two days from now?" I asked, Colby giving me a weird look.

"Plans? You're looking at them"

"Great! So you're free!" 

"What? Leighton Rae, what is going on inside that head of yours?"

"Thoughts on us getting married?" I asked, butterflies swirling in my stomach as my heart started to beat just a little quicker.

"I proposed, didn't I? Or was that just some dream only I had?"

"No, no. You proposed" I wiggled my ring at him. "What if we eloped?"

"Eloped?! Are you out of your damn mind?" He whispered-yelled.

"What? Why? What's wrong with eloping?"

"Since when have you ever wanted to elope?"

"Since my mother is dying!" I harshly whispered back, Colby's head shaking.

"We're not eloping"

"What? Why!"

"Because! We're not speeding along our story all because you're scared"

"But my mom's dying, Colby!"

"I know, but you're not thinking clearly right now"

"So what, your mom can come to our wedding and mine can't?" I glared, Colby taking a deep breath.

"That isn't what I said"

"It's insinuated! I mean, my mom won't be alive anymore so what's the fucking point, huh? As long as Colby and his mom get there happily ever after! Screw Leighton and her hopes and dreams right?" I grumbled, Colby withholding a smirk.

"Are you done yet?"

"No! I mean, what's so wrong with eloping? We can do it in front of my mom! Then she'll have witnessed our wedding, knowing it actually happened! I won't have to live with the fact that she wasn't there—"

"What about our real wedding?" He interrupted. 

"Our real wedding?" 

"Yeah, you know, the one with the dress and tux, and the cake and the flowers. All the extravagant bullshit that's going to milk our bank account. What about that one? She'll still miss out on that one"

"Way to ruin the mood, asshole!" I yelled, shoving past him as best as I could, grousing to myself as I had to slowly walk down the stairs. I could feel him standing behind me, almost mocking me for having to wait for my disruptive outburst to finish as I moved at snail speed down the staircase. "I can feel your smirk" I hissed, Colby chuckling as he replied, "I have no smirk"

"Liar"

"Would I lie to you?" He asked, my hand tightening as I looked over my shoulder.

"Yes"

I walked out to the patio, Colby right behind me, much to my dismay.

"Leighton, can we talk about why you want to elope other than the fact your mom is dying?"

We both sat down on the patio chairs, my feet aching as I stretched out my foot.

"I just.. I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to miss out on these things, and I thought weddings weren't important to you?"

"They weren't"

"Weren't? As in past tense?" I cocked an eyebrow, watching him uncomfortably shift in his chair.

"Mhm"

"What changed?"

He turned to look over at me, "You're joking, right?" 

"What? No. Why?"

"Leighton, fell head over heels in love with you. That tends to change some things"

"Like weddings?" I asked, resisting the urge to pinch myself to find out if I'm dreaming.

"Like weddings."

"You want to have a wedding now?"

"I want to have a wedding now" His cheeks were pink as He looked away from me; the grin on my face made my cheeks hurt as I carefully got out of the car.

"Move forward" I stated, "In the chair" I clarified, Colby giving me a look before shifting forward.

I carefully straddled his thighs, Colby's hands immediately holding my hips, murmuring, "Careful, careful. What are you doing?"

"Straddling my fiancé"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but uh, your cute little bump takes up most of the room. I don't want you to fall off in this small chair"

"Hey!" 

"I said don't take it the wrong way!"

"Yeah, just because you say don't be offended doesn't make it not offensive! If I recall, you made me this way"

"Mhm, and I'm damn proud of it too" He grinned, leaning forward to kiss me.

"You want a wedding" I mumbled against his lips, Colby kissing me again before humming "I do"

"Save it for the wedding" I joked, giggling as he kissed down my jaw to my neck. "No hickies! My dad will murder you! I'll murder you!"

"You're no fun" He pouted.

"That's what happens when you knock them up. They're moody, and grumpy, and sore, and have to look respectable. I can't look respectable with a bruise on my neck from my lover"

"I prefer the term fiancé" He spoke softly.

"Sorry, fiancé" I giggled, finally moving off his lap, starting to get uncomfortable. "So is that a uh, no on the elopement?" I asked, adjusting my shirt back over my bump.

"What will us eloping do for you?"

"It'll give me a memory of us getting married with my mom still alive"

"Will it alter your feelings of her not being there at our actual wedding?" He asked, leaning forward in the chair, his eyes locked on me.

"I don't know" I confessed, "I just, I want a memory of her being there. Her being involved. A bride's mother is supposed to be involved. Now I'll have no one"

"You won't have no one, Leighton"

"But I won't have my mother"

"Will you be upset that we eloped, even if your mom was alive for it and it not be the wedding we now both imagined?" He asked, carefully treading the water that is our future.

"I don't know, Colby. I just know I don't have a lot of time to think about it" 

"I just don't want you to regret such a big decision, Leighton. I don't think rushing this will change your memories or feelings about when the time comes. I strongly think you'll still have wished she was there, rather than just replacing the memory with an impromptu elopement — I'd love to get married to you whenever; I just don't want you to regret anything. I know you wish you could have a longer time with your mom and that everything could go to plan and I'm sorry you're losing her" he apologized, my lower lip becoming sore due to my gnawing as I tried to push down the bubbling emotions.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye" I whimpered, hating the way my voice cracked; the emotion breaking through.

"Do you want a hug?" He asked, opening his arms for me. I hesitated before slowly nodding, walking into his embrace. 

"Sorry for always crying" I pathetically giggled, relaxing into his embrace as I let out a sigh of contentment. "I know it's annoying"

"Babe, if crying is how you process things, then it isn't annoying. I'd rather you cry than bottle it up like I do" He reassured, kissing the top of my head before squeezing me closer to him. "Plus, I think it's justifiable to cry when your mom is dying" he teased, my head lifting from his chest as my smile broadened. 

My hands moved around his neck to pull him closer whilst I stepped onto my tip-toes, pressing my lips into his for a few moments before pulling away.

"Thank you for being here with me; I don't know how'd I'd go through this without you"

The sound of the glass door sliding open caused our heads to turn, Lexi slipping out as she closed it behind her.

"Am I interrupting?" She asked, her tone making my brow furrow.

"No...? What's wrong?"

"I uh, can uh.. we um.. talk? Please?"

Colby tossed me a look as I slowly nodded, Colby excusing himself, entering the house as Lexi took his seat.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes!" She quickly stated before sighing, "No.., I don't know!" She exclaimed, "I just.. it's all happening so fast!" She panicked, a smile tugging at my lips as I watched her freak.

It was like watching my younger self sit right in front of me.

"Lexi?"

"Yeah?"

"Breathe" I exhaled, coaching her through a quick deep breathing exercise. "What's wrong?"

"What isn't wrong?!" She freaked, "Why are you grinning?"

"Because" I chuckled, Lexi huffing.

"Because why? This isn't funny"

"It's a little funny"

"How?!"

"Because you sound just like me" I giggled. "Lex, no one knows what's going on right now. Nothing feels right; it all feels fucked up. It's not just you"

"But I'm pregnant" She whined, my lips pursing as I nodded.

"Yeah, I know how that feels" 

"I don't know what to do" She exhaled, slumping back in the chair.

"About what?"

"About the baby, Brennen, mom, you"

"Me?" My voice peaked.

"Yeah"

"What about me? What did I do?"

"Nothing. I just.." I watched her throat swallow before she quietly whispered, "I'm just like you, aren't I?"

Oh.

I frowned, "Just like me?"

"Pregnant, scared, alone.." she trailed off, my jaw tightening.

"I am not alone" I argued, not having a valid point for the first two.

"The first time" She clarified.

"Okay, well, I figured it out, didn't I? I worked, I got a room, I had the baby, I did the damn thing. Why do you sound like being like me is some sort of shameful confession?"

"I never wanted to be like you" She said quietly, my face burning like her hand slapped me.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want you to be like me either; but here we are. You know, you're not the first scared, alone, young, pregnant woman to ever exist! If you want the baby, you figure it out. If you don't want the baby, there are options. All I've done is try to be helpful towards you, and all you have in return is "I never wanted to be like you"?" I altered my voice, mocking her before crossing my arms over my boobs.

"I just meant I saw you struggle. I saw what happened; I don't want that, Leighton"

"Then there are options! And Lexi, I wasn't just struggling because I had a newborn. There were a lot more factors to the equation than late night feedings and diaper changes sending me for a spiral. You cannot take my suffering at face value for what having a baby at a young age will mean for you. I'm an addict. I struggle with that. I had relationship problems with everyone. I struggled keeping a job, I struggled to pay rent sometimes. Everything was up in the air all the time because I struggled. Day in, day out, I struggled; and I still do. Even the hard days with Gemma, I would never change it. The days I want to relapse, I don't look at her face and think "You're the reason I'm sober". Some days, she's the reason I want to drink, or smoke, or snort something and that's the reality of struggling and having an addiction. You love them to pieces, but sometimes, they're the reason you want something to calm you down. You can have wine at the end of a hard day. You can wind down, relax, and start over tomorrow. I don't get to do that Lexi. My struggle is not the same. You may be pregnant, and we may be sisters, but you don't have the same rocky path I do; or, at least I hope not?" My head tilted, my eyes narrowed as I tried to read her faceless expression.

"I don't" She verified, and I just nodded, knowing that even if she did, the likeness of telling me was slim.

"You need to understand that this child is a lifelong commitment. Whether someone is by your side or not, he or she is yours and I hope that you never have to worry about CPS coming to your door. I hope you never have to call someone to babysit your child for two weeks whilst you're in rehab - but Lexi, if you do, I want that person to be me. I want to be in your corner, whether you have this baby or not. If you want an abortion, I'll be there if you'd like. If you want an adoption, I'll help you look into agencies, if you want to keep it, I'll help you any way I can, but... I don't want you to see that being pregnant at a young age is identical to what I went through. My shit was a completely different beast. It'll be hard, and shit will never make sense, but... Lex, you're not alone.. and" my voice quivered as my eyes filled with tears, "I really.. I really need you.. to hear me.. when I say that, because.. because hearing you're not alone.. when it.. god, sorry" I exhaled, sniffling, taking a deep breath and rolling out my shoulder blades, I tried again, "Hearing you're not alone, when it feels like you against the world.. just.. it feels like you can breathe again" I felt my sinuses start to burn as I withheld the tears from cascading down my face, glancing away out of embarrassment for showcasing my raw emotion; I placed my hand over my chest, "I finally had someone tell me it wasn't just me" feeling my throat swallow the built up emotion as my vision blurred, "And I finally felt like I had a team behind me, and to.. to.." I swallowed again, sniffling, "To have someone in your corner.. to have support? It changes your view on life. On.. on your choices. I.. I wanted to maybe abort G, or give her up.. but I had these voices in my ear telling me I could do it. These people who were down to help whenever I needed, telling me.. telling me that" I sniffled again, wiping under my eye to quickly catch the escaping tear, "Telling me that I wasn't alone, and they.. they were there to help. Gemma wouldn't be with us today if it wasn't for them. I need you to know at the end of the day, whenever you need it, I'm here to help and I love you no matter what choice you make for the baby" the tears finally flowed, my hand struggling to keep up with the cascading emotion as the memories of Sam and Colby played through my head like an old movie on film.

Lexi was quiet as I pulled myself together, licking her lips before looking up at me.

"I feel guilty" She confessed, licking her lips again.

"About?"

"I think.." she paused, glancing down at the concrete for a moment before back up at me, "I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can be pregnant, knowing what it's from. Who it's from. Birth a baby and have them live with the fact that they're a product of such a horrific situation. Look into their eyes and just.. just know what I'm looking at. I'm terrified it will never go away. The thought, the 24/7 replay in my brain that this child is a child of rape, and not love.. feels.. feels so wrong! And.. and.. and volatile! But I feel so guilty for having the word abortion float around in my head because I know that isn't what mom would want. That isn't how I was raised.. and the idea of this baby being babies is terrifying! But every time I look at my stomach, and think about it growing, and giving birth, and raising that baby... all I can think about is how I got here" She spiraled, her shoulders tensing as she sat upright, "I'm losing myself, I'm losing mom, I'm losing my family and my friends and I'm possibly going to lose this baby that I don't even know if I'll regret! 12 weeks is a short amount of time to make such a big decision!" 

"You're not losing yourself, you're just finding a new version" I repeated the words that I've heard one too many times from my therapist. "And Lex, the way you're phrasing possibly aborting the baby tells me you already know you'll regret it; even if you don't know that yet. You can't lose something you've never had. You have one, and if you were okay with willingly giving it up, or away, I don't think you'd be losing it so much as gaining something else instead and hey, you don't want to look like this?" I motioned to my belly, wiggling my hips as I pointed at it before wincing, my hand moving to my back as Lexi laughed at my miserly.

"Yeah, nothing better than tripling your weight, constantly being in pain and always needing to pee" She sarcastically replied, my smile broadening.

"Don't forget the vomiting!"

"Ah, yes! The selling point!" 

We both laughed, my cheeks tight from my smile, "You know, the real selling point is the baby, right? All of this is worth it because you get a baby at the end" 

"Didn't you just tell me your daughter wanted to make you smoke and drink?"

I laughed, "Yes, but the cute I love you's and watching them grow is what I meant! I mean, you've seen G and when she isn't crying or screaming, isn't she just adorable?"

"That feels like a trick question" She snickered, the feelings of butterflies in my stomach made me giggle as I placed my hand over the feeling. "Plus, if I kept the baby, what would I do about Brennen?"

"Just don't tell him. Colby hasn't seen him in forever. Just tell people you don't want him to know" I shrugged, Lexi glaring at me.

"How are you so nonchalant about this?"

"Because if I'm not nonchalant I'll leave to go smash his face in with my fist. Plus, even if you did tell him, doesn't mean he'll stay. This baby is inside of you and as much as it sucks, it is yours whether he pays child support or not" I shrugged again, taking a seat due to my hips starting to hurt.

"Did Gabe pay?"

"Pay what? Child support?" I questioned, Lexi nodding; "At times. He's in med school, so there were times I didn't get it and he's been trying to make up for it. All of it goes towards Gemma and leftover shit stays in a G bank account so if I need it for her when I'm in a pinch, or if she grows up, she has it. It's hers"

Lexi and I watched the sunset over the horizon, pretty oranges and yellows masking the sky above the tall green trees as we discussed baby's and life with a newborn turned toddler. 

It felt so weird to sit in the backyard, talking to my baby sister about her having a baby. I felt like I popped into the middle of the fourth season of a TV show; completely clueless and fumbling the clue card pieces together.

 "Just know, it's your choice to make. You're making the right choice for you right now, not you in the future. If you keep it, great. We're all down to help. You see them all with G. You should know you'll be okay, and if you chose to not have the baby, that's your right now choice. You can't regret it later just because your future changed and hey, maybe you'll never regret it. The future till tell you, but you have to make the smart choice for you right now. Not you in three to five years, or ten years down the line. Forget Brennen and his shitty placement in it. Think about this baby being a baby, and not a reminder of what happened and if you truly can't get over the idea of it, there are always open adoptions" I reminded her, Lexi and I wrapping up due to Gemma's bedtime approaching.

Slipping on Gemma's shoes whilst Colby double checked that we had everything left a buzzing feeling in the back of my mind; an overwhelming thought of leaving Lexi and my mom in time of need washed an immense feeling of guilt all over me as we backed out of the driveway.

"You're quiet" Colby noted, his hand on my knee, squeezing softly.

I could feel his eyes on me as I leaned against the cool glass window, watching the world go by as we drove home.

"Just thinking"

"You're always thinking" he hummed softly, cluing me in on the fact Gemma was falling asleep in the backseat. 

"There's a lot to think about" I replied quietly, hearing him chuckle softly. 

"Want to share with the class?"

Do I tell him Lexi's pregnant? Do I tell him what Brennen did? Is that crossing some sort of sister line?

"Not right now" I chose before I could fully think it through, Colby's questioning gaze burning a hole in the side of my head from his quick glance.

"Is it something bad?" He asked.

Is it?

I mean, yeah.. but.. not for me?

How do I answer this?

"Just complex. It doesn't concern me though, so I don't know if I can share. Lexi has a lot going on right now, and I feel like I'm slowly getting my sister back and I don't want to ruin it by telling you something I shouldn't"

We both quietly did our night time routine.

Colby placed Gemma in bed, me starting the dishwasher and sanitizing the counters before we both met in the bathroom to brush our teeth.

Colby spat out his toothpaste, running his hands under the water before drying them on the towel.

He stared at me for a second through the mirror, discomfort making my muscles tense as I paused brushing my teeth, tiling my head.

"You sure you're alright?" He asked, my eyes squinting before nodding, leaning over to spit out the toothpaste and run the water over the toothbrush.

"I'm fine, Colby. Promise. Well, besides my back murdering me" I chuckled, Colby immediately moving behind me, pushing his thumbs into my sore muscles releasing a relieved moan from me; this hand pushing in on my lower back.

"I've missed the sound of you moaning, it's been a while" He hummed, his lips finding my neck, my head resting back against his chest as I relished in the physical attention.  

"I'm sorry I've been so absent with you" I sighed, "I'm struggling to juggle all these life events that keep getting chucked at me. It doesn't help that everything hurts. I swear this pregnancy is going to murder my body by the end of it"

"You've always struggled unloading some of your plate on someone else. I'm use it, Leigh baby" He snickered, pressing a kiss on my upper back, just below my neck.

"If we go easy on my back, I might be willing to end our celibacy" I watched him through the mirror, biting my lower lip then giggling when his head whipped up with wide eyes.

"You serious?"

"I mean, it has been a while and all your kisses are making my vagina remember just how good it felt having you back on it, and in it" I smiled, my hand finding his, pulling his hand down to my crotch, slipping him inside of my underwear to feel the warmth and wetness accumulate.

I could hear the quiet groan he let out as he melted into my back; his chin resting on my shoulder as his fingers began to play with my crease and folds before spreading me and teasing my center.

I quietly moaned as I felt his middle finger go in a slow circular motion around my opening, desperately wanting him to indulge.

"Fuck, that feels good" I exhaled, my eyes falling shut as he did it again, pathetically panting like a bitch in heat as he toyed with me.

"I've missed this" Colby murmured, his lips finding my neck against, sucking and licking at me.

"I swear if you leave a mark there-" I started to threaten, only to gasp when Colby shoved two fingers into me, my sore, tight muscles contracting and burning a little as he stretched me open.

"God, you're so fucking tight" he groaned, pulling a mewl out of me. "It's been a while since I've stretched this perfect pussy, hasn't it?" he hummed, my head nodding slowly as my body weight fully leaned against his back.

I could feel his erection start to stiffen against my ass, Colby rutting against me softly as he pumped his fingers.

"You are not getting me off by dry humping me, I swear to god if you cum and you're not inside of me- Oooh" I whined, feeling another hand slip under the waistband of my shorts and cup my ass, his finger brushing up and down the crease of my ass, teasing me.

"You want it, baby?" He teased, a slightly louder moan making me bite down hard on my lip, feeling his fingers work me as his thumb brushed against my clit, his other hand squeezing my bare ass. "Should we get rid of these shorts before you wreck them? Hm?" 

"Fuck, Colby" I groaned, his fingers leaving my skin as he pulled down my shorts and underwear, exposing me under the harsh bathroom light. 

"You're so beautiful baby" he cooed, his hand rubbing my ass before slapping it, a gasp leaving my lips as my hips spread for him, my hands grabbing the counter.

"As hot as this is Colby, I've got a bowling ball in here. I can't lean against the counter if you want to spank me. We have to move to the bedroom or it's getting cut short" I informed, feeling my body want to fall against the counter top as my body craved his and the weight of my belly reminded me gravity exists.

Colby grabbed my hand, pulling me into our bedroom, flipping on the side lamp as I carefully crawled onto the bed, Colby placing a few pillows for me to elevate myself before he turned on some music, placing it on the dresser next to the door to try and help drown out our noises.

I leaned on all fours against the pillows, relief on my muscles being a welcomed feeling.

"Comfy?" He asked, myself humming as I rocked on my knees a little. "How sore do you want to be?" He questioned, the bed dipping behind me, the feeling of his bare legs against mine as he leaned forward on my back, moving my shirt up, exposing my skin to him, placing kisses against the skin.

"Nothing extreme. I'm already in pain as it is. Pain isn't pleasure when you're pregnant" I chuckled, shifting slightly so my hands were in front of me, relieving the weight from my elbows.

Colby placed his hand on the middle of my back, slowly moving down to my ass before rubbing the tender skin and spanking me a few more times.

The feeling of his warm breath on the hot skin made me squirm, panting out of need and annoyance of being quiet.

His fingers traced over the crease of my ass before moving down to my vagina, spreading my labia with his fingers, my moan being drowned out by my face in the pillow as he licked at me.

"Oh my god" I groaned, pushing back against him as his tongue lapped at my clit and his fingers slowly pushed back into me, moving in and out at a snail's pace.

"You're getting so wet, baby" He groaned, licking from my opening all the way to my clit, his tongue circling around the sensitive nerves before going back down to my opening.

"Colby!" I shrieked, feeling his tongue press against my asshole. "I— oh my god" I groaned, my cheeks flushing pink as his finger prodded at the tight muscle. 

His finger came back down to my opening, pushing in and doing a circular motion against the muscles, collecting my wetness before pushing back again at the tight ring of muscle holding protest of his entry.

"You're getting so fucking wet, Leighton. You love the idea of me playing with your asshole, don't you baby? Getting all wet and fucked out for me. Looking so fucking pretty and needy as I play with your pulsating holes. Fuck," he hissed,  "You look gorgeous, babe. One second, I'm grabbing the lube" He communicated, abandoning my helpless and needy body.

I heard the bottle pop open, the anticipation growing as my eyes fell shut, awaiting the blissful feeling that was my soon to be husband.

"Ready?" He questioned, my head nodding as I exhaled.

"Yes" I finally answered, catching my breath as I tried to relax for him after repositioning my body, feeling my left hip muscle pull in my back.

Colby's slender, lubed up fingers slowly pushed into my ass; I took deep inhales and exhales as I tried to stay calm, wanting to feel him in me.

His fingers very slowly started to scissor his fingers, opening me up for him.

"It feels weird" I giggled, wiggling slightly, causing me to push back against him, a low grumble leaving my throat before I gasped, "Fuck, that feels good. Wait-" I slowly rocked my hips into him, loving the feeling of his finger moving in and out of me. "God, that's good" I groaned, ignoring his chuckle. "We've got to do this when I'm not pregnant and my knees aren't wanting to chop my head off" I snickered, repositioning again, only to feel Colby's fingers leave me again.

"Flip over, baby"

"I can't lay on my back, Colby"

"Mhm, I know. We'll prop you up so I can make you comfortably cum" He teased, helping me move onto my back, pillows behind me, giving me a better view of him in all his glory.

"You're so fucking hard" I noted, feeling my muscles clench around nothing, "Please, fuck me, Colby" I started to whine, the need becoming unreal.

"Are you turning into a pretty little slut for me? Begging for my cock? It's been so long, hasn't it baby girl" He coaxed, crawling up onto the bed, his hand wrapping around his erection, giving a few tugs before swiping his head through my folds.

"Jesus christ, Colby!" I yelled, the tip of his penis pushing up against my clit.

"Feel good, baby?" He did it again, and again until I was a moaning mess, begging him to enter me and give into my craving.

My hips started to rock against his as he kept hitting my clit, desperate for some sort of relief.

"Please, Colby!" I begged, "I need you inside of me so fucking badly" I cried.

Without any warning, I felt the head of his penis at my opening, pushing my muscles open again for him, welcoming him like a warm hug as I cried out from relief.

"You're so fucking wet, Leighton" He groaned, pumping into me at a slow pace.

"God, you're stretching me out so good" I mewled again, rocking my hips slightly, "Oh my god!" I yelled, Colby pushing in deep, hitting all the right nerves to make my eyes roll back. "Jesus christ!" I panted, "Fuck! Pregnancy sex hits fucking different, oh my god" I groaned, wishing I could ride his cock without my hip muscles burning.

I wanted to be fucking railed and fucked out of my mind, but I knew I couldn't and that pissed me off.

I tried so hard to make it rougher and quicker, but every time I slammed my hips up to meet his, I could feel the tightness and the soreness in my back muscles.

"I need you deep, baby" I whined, tears starting to roll down my face. "I want to ride you so badly. Go so fucking deep- Ahhh!" I moaned out, Colby's fingers entering my ass again. "Oh my god- ohh! Fuck! That feels so good, please don't stop! Oh my god" 

"Cum for me baby. You look so pretty all fucked out and begging. Tears streaming down your face as you plead for me to keep going. I've missed this with you, Leighton. I've missed marking you and reminding you how good we feel together. God, you're dripping down your thighs" He groaned, removing his fingers from my ass, ignoring my protest as he covered his fingers in my arousal, licking them clean with a groan. "Fucking" he thrusted, "Missed" thrusted again. "This"

"Please let me ride you. I need you deep, baby. I need you so fucking deep" I cried, wanting to feel him in my belly.

"Come here baby" His arms went under mine, pulling me towards him before having me move back onto my tummy, "Spread your beautiful thighs for me, Leighton. If you want me deep, I need you open for me. Does anything hurt?" He asked, my hips rocking against the pillows.

"My.. my lower back is.. is sore. My hips.. hips burn a little" I communicated, starting to whine as I continued to rock, wanting to feel him inside of me again; "Fucking worth it though"

"Want this pussy sore too, baby? Want me to pound into you deep and hard? Make you see stars?" He asked, my head nodding as I groaned into the pillow, "Stop moving your hips, Let me do the work" 

I obliged, feeling him push himself back in slowly, resisting the urge to slam back against him.

He started moving slowly again before slowly picking up pace and eventually pounding into me, the sounds of our moans and groans along with our skin slapping together filled the bedroom, drowning out whatever music was playing.

"I'm so fucking close!" I cried out, feeling the perfect amount of stretch that was going to remind me of tonight, tomorrow. "Fuck, it feels so good, Colby!"

"You're so fucking wet, I'm practically slipping out of you" He groaned, "What got you so wet, Leighton? Was it me kissing your skin? Eating you out? Playing with your tight little asshole? Maybe it was that puffy little clit that missed my attention. It reacted so sweetly to me, puffed up real nice and big, letting me know just how fucking ready you were for me. The way this cunt fucking dripped as I lapped at it, pulling me big fucking cock in with need. You're so fucking needy, aren't you baby? Wanting my fucking fingers in your pussy so bad, you just had to fucking have me in the bathroom. Couldn't fucking help yourself, hm, Leighton? Needed me so fucking badly?"

I couldn't reply, moans of ecstasy falling out with no signs of stopping as my stomach clenched, the warmth spreading all over as my muscles tightened around him.

"I'm going to fucking cum! Oh my god!" I cried out.

"Cum, baby. Cum all over me. Fucking drench me. I've missed my messy baby girl. Remind me how much your puffy pussy leaks" he coaxed, slapping my ass, getting a groan from me as my body still. I could feel the wetness drip down to my ass and onto the bed as I cried out, Colby fucking me through my orgasm. 

"Are you close?" I cried out, coming down from my intense orgasm, his cock twitching inside of me before he could even reply.

"So fucking close; gonna fuck my cum into you, remind you how I knocked you up in the first place" he panted, harshly thrusting into my sensitive cunt.

"Want you to fill me up so bad!" I whined, "Want your cum dripping out of me, making a fucking mess all over my thighs. Mark me up baby, leave me drenched in white" I begged, wishing I could watch the way his cum would spill out from the head of his cock into me.

"God, you're such a slut for my cum, aren't you?" He groaned, his eyes falling shut before opening again, finding mine as he stilled hovering over me; the warmth and wetness filling me as he groaned loudly.

I whined, spreading my legs wider, wanting it fucked back into me; only to feel his cock slide out.

"Colby-" I started to complain, only for him to interrupt me.

"You're so fucking full of cum I just fucking fell out, you fucking whore; god I love you" he groaned, swiping his finger through my sensitive folds, showing me our cum mixture.

I stuck my tongue out, awaiting the welcomed substance, only to feel his spit land on my tongue before he swiped his cum down my tongue with his finger, his lips immediately finding mine, shoving his tongue into my mouth, playing with it as I moaned at the feeling. 

He pulled away, both of us breathless; "You look so beautiful, Leighton. I love you" 

"Mm" I moaned, "I love you too. Now fuck your cum back into me. Don't want it go to waste"

* * * * 

This chapter without smut was 7.8k goodnight and goodbye. This is the longest chapter of the entire series I- I didn't want to rob you and uh.. well.. I got carried away 🤪

I always play Into You by Ariana Grande or Body Say by Demi Lovato when I write smut lol #funfact  - What do you think Leigh + Colby would put on for a sex song? lol

We're halfway through this book already O_o

Written on: September 5th, 8th, 11th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 22nd, 23rd 2023

Published on: September 23rd 2023

Word Count: 10201

Twenty One

[hardpacker]

there is a lot of frustration and anxiety and retroactive grieving that comes with it but i am really glad that i eventually pursued reading and learning and talking more (like with therapists mainly but also some good people in my life) about being autistic. it was mostly out of anka suggesting it to me a few times but i was really unsure for a while. now my therapists and even my doctor (kind of) are talking to me more about it and figuring out what kind of help i know i need and ideas for what could be useful...

it really sucks, but it makes so much sense to me now why in may 2020, sooner than the year or year and a half it took for a lot of other people, i could acutely tell something was Seriously Going Wrong with my brain, grasping at words, not being able to access what should have been vivid since my memory is apparently quite good-- with all my real life connections and contexts and activities halted. and why recovery time is so much slower and the burnout, the becoming sluggish, not being able to speak and further information feeling painful, is so much worse now... but also, it's not new. it's happened before. it happened all through college and i had no idea that's what was doing it. and life was different, i didn't have as much time to reflect, i knew less about myself to be able to connect the dots in any kind of informative way, much less try to tell other people about it.

it feels like something is unlocked in a profound way, way way way different than being told to go on one antidepressant after another and getting sick each time. now i'm on a different kind of medication to help manage distress and there isn't any sickness at all. i'm summing this up extremely quickly because i have things to do, but it just clicks so solidly, decisively. i know what would really benefit me is patience and understanding me in good faith. i think i'm a pretty consistent person. i think i try to maintain a whole, well-rounded view of people, even if part of that is because some things i just can't forget (and worrying if i'm remembering "the right things") and even if i can't expect other people to hold me in their mind like that... i'd at least like to be received with even some of this in mind.

it bummed me out when friends drifted away when things didn't suddenly get better for me. it bums me out to see that happening to other people too. maybe it comes off as creepy/inappropriate to still feel strongly about someone based on what i think are foundational friendship components or interactions, if whatever it is that brought us together still seems intact to me, maybe i can't pick up on what they view as the separation-- lack of frequent talking, not picking up new shared interests? my feelings were hurt recently when only a couple people congratulated me on the Ignatz nomination or all the comics i've done recently, because i thought those were things other people were passionate about too, or at the very least, required little emotional depth to acknowledge. i feel really bad when i miss a milestone in people's lives, and maybe the fact is that i haven't had the same milestones to share. but isn't that normal...? idk. i feel like i do reach out to people but maybe it's not in the same ways that they value. i'd like to be given a chance. or maybe i just need to find people who i don't have to chase. i think it's both? i need to better understand what other people like but i also think the internet is no way to do this. everyone is extremely keyed up and defensive and you can rewrite a person at will.

i'm still confused and increasingly weirded out about T cutting me off, if just that i did try to bring it up more directly and understand her feelings, but maybe directness is misread by other people, maybe it's just not that common. in remembering other weird misunderstandings or unsettling, confusing interactions with people, or my default mode of appeasement/dissociation (which i'm doing my best to quit) i can take some of the blame off myself. the blame isn't autism's, either. this actually makes it easier to just be like, yknow, the other person DID act out of pocket about this. this stuff WAS kind of nothing and yes it COULD have been handled differently. but i also am not good at remaining in 1 fandom, placating anybody for all that long, keeping quiet, toeing whatever social line i'm "supposed to", and i know i have a hard time shaking off my values or like, morals?, even if it'd serve me better-- i'd like to be more flexible, while also being consistent, which is something really important to me in terms of how i'm read by other people. like nothing coming out of left field. but understanding other people may not have the perspective i do.

and that should be okay so long as it isn't actually hurtful. like everyone is different people. i agree with my friends more than i don't (makes sense) but i can't think of a situation where in a disagreement, my intent was to HURT, rather than express confusion/upset/anger. you can't ask questions online without sounding challenging, even if that same question can be expressed in real life with no problem. but i'm wondering if people more often remember how you made them feel, not the details within or surrounding it. and that's something to balance. i tend to be more critical of myself than other people, and default to an assumption of good intent first, but that's ALSO a good way to ignore important signs. and avoid the simple answer to "why would this person want to hurt me?" which might be "they don't care about you and they wanted to." i don't want to be a fucking pushover.

i might not know the "right" way to talk to people, but i know 100% that i do try, and in my adult life especially, have always tried. and i hope continuing to do that will yield a sense of comfort, ease, stability that i've been longing for since connections to other friends have become tenuous these past few years. my ideal is being comfortable in a group of people and not being scared of saying something wrong or having ~weird~ interests or expressing them in a weird way. i think this is also why trying to suck all the "ill-fitting" interests or aspects of things i like/myself, my comforts, my art, gender, sexuality, dress, everything, never worked-- i can't cultivate some kind of scene-based personality, i can't become a different person just because it'd be easier to navigate the world that way. it's not going to happen. and i guess that needs to be alright.

it is mournful to think about how like... even if my parents or schools had known, there's no way i would've been treated any better. it wouldn't have amounted to anything. i would've been bullied and abused more, if anything, or it would be the exact same as it is now-- maybe they would've never told me. so i can't even imagine a life where this would've offered some sense of freedom before now, but maybe i could've learned to be less expectant of myself faster. god i just remembering being so overwhelmed needing to lie down in the dark for a while. drawing in class was the best way to remember any of the information because it was tied to an action, which then grounded me in a time and place, and everything else fills in around it, the memory is built from the minute and outward. the missing spaces in memory are what's most unsettling because they're so exceptional to me. and thinking with shaky confidence starting around 5th grade like "i must be acting like everyone else, right?" even though the cold and irritated way with which people handled me pointed at something else. feeling wickedly ill at-ease basically my entire life, just uncomfortable, sick to my stomach, stressed, bearing all of that in mind. trying over and over. ugh. really frustrating, really sad. so many kids grow up like this.

AND MY FUCKING... ALLERGIES AND SENSITIVITIES AND AUTOIMMUNE DISORDER AND MY MAST CELL SHIT........................................ LIKE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK okay

i don't have a good closer to this sorry lol

[jiminxoxo]

me being called FUNNY? BY YOU???!!! 😳😳 can the day get any better 😌😚 no but the real question is was i joking or actually flirting w you 😏🤭

ono :( I'm rlly sorry about the concert scene love :( are the postponed dates out yet?!

take hugs (╥﹏╥)

༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ

༼ つ ◕‿◕ ༽つ

i hope you get to see them SOOOOON 🥺💕🤞🏻

albeit i have almost (¿) no chance in any near future to see any of my fav bands/artists kpop or not, i love seeing all you people's concert vids & pics 😭😭❤️

i have been pretty busy w etc etc so i have just been catching up on all the (my ult groups' XD) concert content here & thereee ( also lemme know who are your ult groups&solos hehe <3 I'll let u know in our next convo huhu !! )

my jagi 💘 writing texts as low-key a coping mechanism

🤝

me (& the rest of us ofc) reading it as a coping mechanism

AS WE SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL???!!!!! 😎😎💕

i hope you are feeling better after coming on tumblr today

:( 🫂 right here if u wanna talk more about anything & everything 🥺

ILY2 my 자기야 😌😌😌💘🍯

also I'd like to know your pronouns if u are comfortable sharing it !! mine is she/her hehe :D

mwahhh byeee nowwwww

sorry this is the last lmao, just popped in my brain rn

have you come across/listened to this song called GLIMPSE OF US ?! 🤧 if yessss, do you listen to joji?! if no, pls pls listen to it BUT NOT TODAY( i don't want you to be more sadder) ;-; we can scream in detail abt it later lmaoo😭🤯😓

the concert date has yet to be announced, i know three members got covid and dear god poor lino got covid twice in the span of what??? 4 months??? bye 😭😭😭 i’m on a similar boat where we almost never get concerts where i am (canada 💀) which is why my friend and i had the spontaneous idea to fly out and let me tell you 💀 nothing seems to be going as planned for me lately so idk what i was expecting 😭 ofc i hope for their speedy recovery and i definitely want them to put their health first!

oh dear god you do NOT want to make me go on a ramble about my ult groups!!!! because i’m about to and you’re gonna regret it! 

i consider myself a really oldddd kpop stan (ie i started stanning when i was suuuuuper young in 2013ish-2014)

nowadays, i’m really into skz (they’re on a time out rn tho for obvious reasons), tbz (what’s new LMAO) and i listen to stayc and le sserafim a lot these days 🫶

but oof, i’ve stanned a lot of groups in my day. (i’m saying as if i’m in my 50’s 💀) *cracks knuckles* groups ive had HUGE phases for were bts, exo, day6, the boyz, and txt! (please keep in mind that these are me being overly obsessed and not just casually listening to their music but also tuning in to their variety shows and purchasing a lot of their albums )

and i’m pretty sure you can name a good chunk of the kpop industry and i’ve either heard a couple songs from them or actually know them well enough to know their names and stuff!

i’m one of the very few people who stanned bts since debut too! and to this day it’s my biggest flex 😌 i can confidently say that i feel the most connected to them for sure, they influenced a BIG chunk of my life and as you can see, my username has not changed and i never plan to change it. jimin had been my ultimate of ultimate biases for a long ass time and he’s the only idol i can say brings me an immense load of comfort (i actually named my cat after him 🤭🤭🤭) i’m soooo proud of them and i can’t describe into words how much they deserve every bit of success they’ve gotten.

also, YES IVE HEARD A GLIMPSE OF US AND 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i think it’s the fact that i’ve been pathetically single my whole life and i’m scared i’ll never be someone’s first love 💀 but i also embrace my singleness and don’t really give a fuck about men cus they’re musty. 💀 i don’t think i’ve listened to any other joji song tho, are there any that you recommend? 🤭🫶

omg i just realized i’ve never formally introduced myself and i should really do that….. i’ll make a post about it soon 🤭

[koushou]

i love it smmmm omg. the megumi fix is amazing it’s more than i asked for ❤️❤️ bro 6,9k is a blessing you don’t understand how glad it made me it’s so worth the wait. tumblr is so dry when it comes to anime fics and especially w megumi thank you for feeding me something other than the crumbs this website gives me. i don’t want to be too annoying but whenever you’re free if you could do a pt 2 cause that ending omg. i love it sm and i can’t thank you enough ❤️

pairing : megumi x f!reader [fluff]

warnings : slight makeout scene idk HAHA nothing too intense though (also not proofread because i wanted to get this posted as soon as i finished it)

wc : 3.5k

a/n : ur too sweet omg and im FINALLY back from procrastinating your request again anon… (i really apologize i don’t mean to take so long pls forgive me D: ) i hope this is what you wanted!!

pt. 1 (you don’t really have to read pt 1 to understand this part but i do recommend it)

loud chatter echoes through the large modern dining hall located on the second floor of the hotel.

“i’m… so full…” a certain pink haired male burps for the nth time as he still continues to stuff food into his mouth. gojo laughs at itadori’s passion for the hotel food, while doing the same as he takes a large bite of a pancake.

you chuckle, taking a sip of your drink and leaning back in your cushioned chair, already finished with your 3rd plate of breakfast. i mean, who could blame you? hotel breakfast food just hits a different type of way.

“so, spill all the juicy events that happened last night, i wanna know!” nobara nudges you excitedly, her eyes twinkling as she pulls her chair closer to yours.

rolling your eyes, you look away from the ginger female and pretend to not have heard her. accidentally, you were now faced towards megumi, sitting on the opposite side of you. your eyes met for a brief moment before you quickly turned away, breaking the awkward interaction.

“aww— c’mon, y/n! please—“

“nothing happened at all! and don’t think i forgot the way you ignored my knocks on your door yesterday,” you shot her a glare, earning a sheepish laugh in return.

“but... in the same bed..?”

you were about to retort back when gojo stands up and claps his hand over his stomach, which now seemed just… a few sizes bigger.

“alright! have we all finished our food? god, when did hotel food get so good— anyway, it’s time to pack our things and head back home!” your constantly enthusiastic teacher exclaims, as a waiter comes to collect your plates.

after thanking the waiter and paying the bill (poor gojo-sensei’s wallet), you all head back upstairs to drive back home.

a thick silence hangs over your room as you and megumi collect your items, not wanting to bring up any events from last night. finally ready to head out, you walk towards the door to open it until another hand reaches the handle at the same time.

you retract your hand quickly, while the other hand lingers in the air above the knob.

“oh— sorry, you can go first!” you gulp, backing up a bit so megumi can exit first.

he pauses for a second, twisting the knob until the door pulls open. you expected him to walk out, but he makes his way to the other side of you instead, still holding the door open.

you look over at him with a questioning look, receiving a slight shrug and a hint of a smirk.

“ladies first.”

why was his stupid face so handsome?

you shook your head at his teasing expression, making your way out the door to the carpeted hallway, him following close behind.

the others were already at the lobby waiting, their conversation becoming clearer as you reach them.

“what’s taking them both so long? you don’t think they’re too busy… y’know…” nobara’s usual cheerful voice carries her words to your ears, making you roll your eyes and spook her from being.

“boo.”

“i’m just sayin- oh my go—“ she frantically turns around, breathing a sigh of relief upon seeing it was just you.

“you scared me!”

“what were we talking about?”

“nothing important! come on, we should get going!” nobara nudges gojo and itadori ahead, escaping you as she scurries out of the lobby.

you hear a yawn from behind you, a tuft of black hair moving past you as you suppress the urge to laugh at megumi’s already messy hairstyle, amplified by his morning bed hair.

finally, you were all seated back in gojo’s car, ready to drive back to the school so you all can head back to your own homes.

the ride back was full of gojo’s irritating voice singing along to songs playing from the car radio, itadori laughing along, and the rest of you too excited to leave the car.

“alright kids! we’re here, make sure to be safe on the way back home!”

gojo waves to all of you as you hop out of his car one by one, basking in the cool summer air for a few seconds.

“see you guys!”

itadori jogs away, heading in the direction of his own home, followed by megumi, then nobara, and lastly, you.

upon reaching your house, your mother welcomes you, asking about your day, if you had fun, and other typical mother questions.

you were telling her about your day when you suddenly recalled the hotel night events, and scurried away embarrassed upstairs to your room, leaving a very confused mom behind.

you flop down onto the bed, face down, wanting to get a good few minutes of quiet nap time in before your phone dings with a notification.

grunting, you pull your phone out from your pocket, swiping across the screen to check the message.

surprisingly, it was from megumi, eyebrows suspiciously raising as you open the text message from him. you two rarely texted unless it was about school or business-related, so you couldn’t think of anything he would need from you right now.

megumi : Hey.

megumi : I have your hair tie with me. You probably left it in my bag or something.

megumi : I’m coming over in 5 minutes.

you sat up abruptly, rereading his messages to make sure your eyes weren’t playing tricks on you.

you had been so caught up with his prior messages that you failed to register that he said he was going to be at your house in… 5 minutes.

hurriedly, you swiped to see what time he had sent that last message. 12:34 AM.

your eyes moved to the top of your phone screen, reading the current time. 12:37 AM.

almost falling out of bed scrambling to your room mirror, you checked your appearance to make sure you looked fine and your hair wasn’t messy and-

you paused.

“why am i so concerned about how i look? why do i care about this?”

you slapped your face with both hands, bringing yourself back to reality when you were interrupted again, but this time by your doorbell ringing from downstairs.

making your way out of your room, you saw that your mom had already opened the door with a familiar tall figure standing in the doorway.

“oh! megumi, it’s been a while!” your mom lets megumi in with a smile, already going to the kitchen to make him some tea.

he bows politely, sitting down on the couch, now changed into a loose white t-shirt with black shorts.

“uh- theres no need to make me tea, i won’t be here for too long—“

“nonsense! you can even stay for lunch, dear megumi! i just have to prepare the last dish and—“

you finally clear your throat, standing at the middle of the stairs, catching both of their attention.

“oh, y/n! i have to go out to the grocery store for some ingredients, take care of our guest megumi, alright?” she places two cups of tea on the table in front of megumi, grabbing her keys to head out.

“wait, mom—“

she sends you a wink by the door, already outside before you can finish your sentence.

you sigh in defeat, sitting across from megumi on the other couch.

“here.”

megumi pulls out a black hair tie from his pocket, almost identical to the one currently around your wrist.

you raise your eyebrows in suspicion at the hair tie. “but i only have one? and i didn’t bring any extra yesterday..?” you motion to your own arm.

he looks back and forth between your wrist and the one he had in his hand, scratching his head in confusion.

“it was in our hotel room, so i assumed it was yours.” he shrugs, placing it on the table. “but if it isn’t, i can just throw it away.”

you hum, taking a sip of the tea your mom prepared as he does the same, cringing as the still hot tea burns his tongue.

“pfft…”

he glares at you, placing the cup down as his eyes scan around your living room, taking in the decorations.

“i’ll just keep it then, it seems new.” you take the forgotten hair tie on the table, and wear it around your wrist, now decorated with two black hair ties.

he nods, sitting back against the couch, silence falling between you both.

a question suddenly popped up in your mind, your mouth moving faster than your brain.

“you came all the way here… just to give me a hair tie?”

the question seems to set him a little nervous, clearing his throat and avoiding eye contact as he fidgets in his seat.

“well— i figured i’d return it to you before i forgot,” he shrugs, reaching out to take another sip of his tea before pulling back quickly again at the heat.

you nod slowly, still unconvinced with his answer. who goes all the way to someone’s house to return a hair tie?

“okay then, see you on monday?” you get up, ready to send him back off.

his head snaps up, still not moving in his seat as he opens his mouth slowly, as if unsure of how to respond.

“um- i thought your mom said i could stay…for lunch…?”

he averts his eyes, pink dusting his pale cheeks as he looks away. your mouth forms into an ‘o’ shape as you recall your mom’s words and those were - in fact what she had said.

it wasn’t that you were against him staying for lunch, but you two weren’t even friends or remotely close at that. rivals would even suit you both better than friends.

“but if you want i can, uh, leave now,” he starts to stand, looking uncomfortable in his position across from you.

it was then that you remembered megumi’s background, that his mother had left early at birth, plus his father wasn’t exactly present.

you couldn’t imagine living without your parents, and how lonely he must be without true family.

“no! i mean, that’s not what i meant, you can stay.” you sputter out before he gets the wrong idea.

his eyes seem to light up at your words, nodding before sitting back down on his previous spot on the couch.

you glance over at the time on your phone, it had been around 7 minutes after your mom had left.

the tension was thick in the room, and just when you thought you were about to explode from the awkwardness, he finally breaks the silence.

“do you… play that?”

you turn to where his eyes are placed on, seeing your black xbox console laying on top of a cabinet, having been untouched for a while.

“oh that? yeah, occasionally, why?”

you hear a snicker from beside you, snapping your head to find his lips curled into a teasing grin.

“oh, i just didn’t think a nerd like you would play games.”

you raise your eyebrows at his words. “you sure about that? it doesn’t seem like you’re very good at games either, megumi.” you make sure to stretch out each three syllables of his name to tease him further.

he huffs while leaning back, still maintaining intense eye contact with you, almost challenging each other to say something back.

“how about this, whoever wins against the other gets to make them do whatever they want. no matter what it is.” he nods over to the console, tilting his head as he waits for your response.

you chuckle, standing up to take the console, fiddling with it for a moment before turning back to him.

“alright, just don’t cry when you lose too much, okay?”

he shrugs, smirking as he looks around the living room for the other console, making you remember something.

“oh, the other console plus a TV is in my room, wanna just play there?”

he stiffens suddenly, before nodding slowly and following you upstairs to your room.

reaching the door, you suddenly stop, making megumi grunt and come to a stop, almost crashing into you.

“uh - wait here.”

you open the door just enough to slip inside, quickly gathering some of your belongings and cleaning as much as you could, to at least make your room seem presentable.

“okay!” you open the door for megumi, who makes no move to enter at first.

“...”

“you can come in.”

“... is this okay?”

you cock your head, not understanding his question.

“your mom isn’t home.”

“...so?”

“we’re alone.”

“and?”

“i’m… going into your room.”

“what is your point?” you began to grow frustrated at this conversation. then, it hit you all of a sudden.

“ahh, megumi? have you never been in a girl’s room alone before?” you snicker, shaking your head from laughter.

he starts to protest, before quickly closing his mouth and finally entering your room.

you connect the two consoles into your TV in your room, sitting down on the edge of your bed as you load up the games on the screen.

“you can sit here if you want,” you pat the empty spot next to you, to which he carefully sits down on, taking one console from your hand.

“ready?”

he nods, as you start the game.

-- --

“what--?!”

you throw your hands up in frustration, groaning as you flop backwards on the bed.

“i told you, you can’t beat me.” megumi chuckles, dodging a stuffed bear you threw in his direction.

you huffed, sitting back up, determined to beat him at least once.

“one last rematch!”

he lets out a laugh, a rare one that you think you might just never forget, and starts the game again.

after a few minutes of intense clicking, yelling and laughing, you let out a proud shout, the word victory flashing across your screen.

you pick up another stuffed animal from your bed and toss it straight at megumi’s face, celebrating as he lets out an ‘oof’ and glare back at you.

“but i still won around, 7 times, so i get to make you do something- oof-” he stumbles back again from another stuffed animal to the face.

“hmm? i don’t know what you’re talking about--” you pretend to not have heard him before your vision goes momentarily black from a soft object hitting your face, a pink bear landing in your lap.

“hey!”

“what, you keep throwing them at me!”

“fine…”

“hey, why are you getting so close--!”

you tackle megumi backwards onto the bed, throwing your pillows at his face -- not very gently -- as he tries to shield his arms in vain.

“ahh—! okay, okay, i’m sorry, stop it—“ he huffs as you finally stops your attack, his dark blue orbs looking up into yours.

you only now noticed your close proximity, quickly sitting back up to create some distance between the both of you. he clears his throat, fiddling with one of your pillows.

“well, a loss is a loss, what do i have to do?” you sigh, admitting your defeat.

“hmm…” he seems to be lost in deep thought, probably trying to find the worst thing he can make you do.

after a few silent, intense seconds, he finally speaks.

“are you… free tomorrow?”

you turn to him, giving him a questioning look at his strange question. he only stares back at you in response, awaiting your answer.

“um… yeah, i’m free the whole day, why do you as-“

“come watch a movie with me tomorrow.” he blurts out quickly, not even letting you finish your sentence.

you gape at him, still processing his words, unsure if you had heard wrong.

“... sorry?”

his face was reddenning by the second, yet his eyes remained firmly on yours the whole time.

“let’s go watch the new movie in the theater. i heard it’s quite popular already despite releasing only last week.”

“oh… okay, i can ask nobara if she wants to com-“

“don’t!” he says a little too loudly, clearing his throat after as he regains his composure.

“i mean, i- just, you.”

“just.. us?”

he nods.

silence fell again between the two of you, unsure if he was asking you what you thought he was asking you. you decide to test the waters cautiously.

“man.. it’s almost like you’re asking me out on a date, megumi?” you tease lightly, expecting a ‘tch’ or an, ‘as if’.

“so what if i am?”

now that was an answer you weren’t expecting.

“you’re.. joking, right?”

megumi sighs, moving closer until his body was mere centimeters away from yours.

“i’m serious.”

“do you... like me or something?”

he stares at you blankly. “would i ask you on a date if i didn’t have feelings for you, idiot?”

you only just realize how stupid your question sounded, trying to find a response until he reaches up to cup your cheek with one hand.

they felt soft, yet slightly gruff from constant training and fighting, large enough to cover one half of your face. they were warm, slightly trembling probably from nervousness, yet made you wish he’d never take it off.

“it’s okay if you don’t want to. we can forget this ever happened.” his own cheeks turning slightly pink, yours probably even worse as the space between your faces closed in slowly.

“but i don't think i can do this anymore, so just let me be a little selfish this once, okay?”

barely registering his words before he moves in to kiss you, soft lips moving against the other as his hand tightens against the side of your cheek. you barely register your own actions anymore, hands reaching up to tangle themselves in his hair, moving down to his neck, and finally finding home cupped around his face.

he groans against your lips, pressing you down until he was now hovering above you, never breaking the kiss even once in the process. you lost track of how long you both had been making out in your bed before you hear the front door open from downstairs.

frantically, the both of you separated in fear of your mom catching you in the act, catching your breaths while still processing what just happened.

you hear shuffling from downstairs, standing up to escape megumi before you were pulled back into a warm chest.

“wait—“ his arms wrap around you to trap you from leaving his grasp, your eyes looking everywhere but his, and suddenly your wall was the most interesting thing in sight.

“are we… really going to pretend that didn’t happen?” you finally gather the courage to look him in the face, almost melting at the soft pout set on his (now slightly redder than before) lips.

“ilikeyoutoo.” you get out quickly before you lose the chance to say it again.

he stiffens against you, eyes lighting up almost like an excited puppy receiving treats. “you like me? i didn’t hear you, so can you say it again?”

you huff, trying to wriggle your way out of his arms, only resulting in him pulling you closer to sit on his lap. he presses his forehead to yours, chuckling at your futile attempt to escape.

“i said— i like you—!” you ram your head into his, making him groan in pain, loosening his hold on you. the perfect chance for escape.

you saw the opportunity, dashing to the door, twisting the knob, almost getting it open until—

“nope,” megumi’s hand stops the door in time, instead twisting you around until your back was now flat against the wood, both of his palms placed beside your head.

“y/n? megumi?” your mom’s voice calls from downstairs, but all you could hear was your heartbeat thumping loudly in your chest.

“megumi! move, my mom’s home,” you place your hands on his chest, trying to push him away to no avail.

he grabs your pushing hand and places it on the left side of his chest, letting you feel the soft but fast thumping of his heart, almost matching the pace of your own.

“this is all your fault. you’re not gonna take responsibility for it?” he inches closer to your burning face, making you huff and grab his face.

you press your lips to his, feeling him immediately return the kiss, but you pull away after a few seconds, leaving him still trying to kiss you again.

“nope, my mom’s home, and i’m hungry.”

you open the door, seeing your mom begin to set the table with plates of food downstairs. you look back at megumi, who still looked sad after getting his kiss cut short.

sighing, you take his hand in yours, intertwining your fingers together before pulling him down the stairs.

“come on, it’s time for lunch. you’ll get more later.”

you feel him perk up, giving your hand a squeeze as he follows close behind.

you steal a glance at your wrist, still wearing both the hair ties. good thing he hadn’t noticed you stuffing one into his bag this morning.

[rosesvioletshardy]

overtime win celebrations - mat barzal

okay this is very unedited because i lowkey rushed it and i know it’s bad. also this is very bad smut because i haven’t written it in a while and i tried to read others and my old ones to get some inspiration and try to make it at least accurate in a way idk

also a very happy birthday mat today 

(isles win today or else i’ll fly to new york and 🔪) (jk ,,, unless)

this was requested by @gigissports​ who gave me the idea of this fic when i said i wanted to write a fic but didn’t know what to write about or who to write about so thank you to her and i hope you like it

(also idk what that title is it’s the first thing that came to my mind)

(ps y’all should also follow her as well she’s an amazing person)

masterlist

mat masterlist

warnings: mention of fights, SMUT (18+) (minors please don’t interact), fluff, little angst? (idk mat is a little upset so idk if that’d count as angst)

# of words: 1,941 (sorry it’s short i tried to make it somewhat longer but my brain decided to go into writer’s block so)

----

It was all going well, up until it wasn’t. You knew that playoff hockey got even more intense than the regular season and meant that more injuries were prone to happen. Mat told you the night the Islanders got clinched that he wouldn’t try to get into many fights anymore or get anymore penalty minutes seeing that he’s their star and that the top player shouldn’t have that many penalty minutes. He managed to not get into any fights or get any penalties the first 4 games. You would’ve gone to the game but you decided to stay at yours and Mat’s apartment to watch the game due to being busy earlier in the day and Mat was completely fine with however you wanted to watch the game. The only thing he did request before he left was that you wore one of his jerseys that he wasn’t going to be wearing for good luck. As soon as you came home from work it was the first thing you did and you sent a picture to him to show him. You knew he wouldn’t answer right away but you saw that he read it. 

The game was going smoothly up until the second period where the penguins were leading by 3. You knew that the team was frustrated by the way they looked as the camera panned over to the bench and that they were trying their hardest. Mat’s line was now playing and you felt as if they were going to score during that period. It wasn’t until moments after Anthony’s goal where a fight broke out and Mat got into the middle of it. You couldn’t tell what happened but you stood up on your feet and became really concerned. It wasn’t until you saw him walk towards the locker room with one of the medics before they showed the reply. The rest of the game you couldn’t focus on and only worried that something would happen even later into the game. Mat had said he was fine but you knew that he wasn’t from when they showed him. 

The only good thing to come out of the game was the double overtime win and you knew it was going to be a while before Mat got home. You hadn’t really had anything for dinner because of it and could only eat crackers because your mind was only worried for Mat and Mat only. It wasn’t long before you fell asleep seeing how late it was. Mat on the other hand was exhausted as well and it was just from playing almost 5 rounds of hockey. A sigh escaped his mouth when he reached the front door and took out his keys only to find you sleeping on the couch wearing his white jersey. He smiled at the site before dropping his bag and taking his shoes off before walking over to you and crouching down in front of you. Mat took a moment to analyze the details of your face before he started to caress your face and wake you up. Your eyes began to flutter open as you saw him crouched down to your height 

“Hey baby” he whispered as you sat up making room for him

“Hi maty, sorry you had to see me like this” you told as he sat down and pulled you into his chest

“It’s okay you deserve some rest.” he said trying to hide his eye

“Let me see, don’t hide it.”

“I didn’t want you to be mad”

“Why would I be mad?” you asked him confusion running across your face

“Because I promised to you that I wouldn't get into any fights or get any penalties during playoffs” he admitted

“I’m not mad, I was worried the entire time. It happens.” you affirmed him as you ran your fingers over the bruised eye lightly making sure that you didn’t hurt him. The two of you sat there in silence for a while taking in each other’s company before you both looked at each other and brought your lips together. You’ve been with Mat for over a year and a half and yet he still gave you butterflies every time you kissed. Straddling him, you continued to kiss as you ran your fingers through his hair.

Everything in that moment just felt perfect. Mat pulled away and stood up, picked you up and took you to yours and his room. After laying you down on the bed, he began to slowly push up his jersey while pressing small kisses along your jaw and down your neck, leaving marks, making you moan before pulling away to take the jersey off. His breath hitched when he saw the lingerie you had on underneath and smiled and you spoke up

“I was going to surprise you when you got home but i ended up falling asleep, so this isn’t exactly how I planned it” you told him sitting back up

“Well I’m still surprised don’t worry and you still look beautiful” he said before giving you another kiss and laying you back down after you took off his suit jacket, shirt and pants leaving him just in his underwear as you traced your fingers down his body

“I love you so much. Thank you for everything you do. From supporting me at home and away games to dealing with me and my antics” 

Mat unclipped you bra as he pressed light kisses over your collarbones as his hands roamed all over your body and stopping at your thighs, Pushing your legs apart, his fingers hooking onto your underwear before sliding them off and inserting two of them inside you. His eyes never left yours, curling his fingers more and while his thumb rubbed your clit, causing you to moan

“Maty, please” you let out

“In all time princess. It’s all about patience” he whispered in your ear before removing his fingers as soon as he felt you clenching. 

Removing his fingers, he brought them up to his mouth and sucked off your juices and sank down to his knees and kissed the soft skin of your thighs, feeling scruff from his playoff beard he was finally allowed to grow out. He wasted no time when it came to eating you out as he sucked back on your clit. One of his favorite sounds was hearing your moans and whimpers, as a smirk plastered onto his face, gripping your thighs tighter. You became more and more frustrated as you tugged on his hair wanting more. Pulling him closer onto you,  his hands grabbed your breasts making you gasp and moan his name more. He began to slowly lick your clit before starting to suck on it. You can feel him slowly pull away before going back and inserting his finger again

“Oh god. Oh fuck. Mat that feels so good. Please don’t stop”

“What do you need princess?”

“You. I need you.”  

“Fuck, maty i’m so close please” you told him as you could feel him humming against your clit, sending shivers down your spine. The familiar feeling began to coil in your stomach as you tugged on his hair harder and him licking you as his name left your lips, almost to the point where the neighbors would probably hear.

When he pulled away, he pressed a kiss against your lips, making you taste yourself. Mat leaned over to grab a condom from the nightstand next to the bed as you began to palm him through his boxers before pulling it down. You helped him roll the condom on him as he then lined himself in between you and grabbing your legs to hook against him

“You ready?” he asked looking into your eyes, making sure you’re still comfortable

“Yes” you told him as you curled your fingers at the bottom of his hair as he pressed his lips against yours while pushing himself inside you, groaning into his mouth.

His hips rolled with every thrust he gave, his lips leaving yours and pressing kisses along your jaw as he whispered in your ear as the occasional moan left his lips when you marked up his back or tugged his hair more. His hands gripped around your waist as he 

“I love you so much.”

“I love you so much too”

“Are you close?” he whispered pulling away from your neck “Mhm” you nodded as a whine left your left as he thrusted harder, 

“It’s okay, let go” he whispered in your ear as the both of you let go of your highs. Mat came out of you and fell on the bed next to you. The two of you stayed quiet as you both breathed heavily trying to catch your breaths.

“Well that was-”

“Yeah” he finished as he took the condom off and threw it in the trashcan when got up and went to the bathroom

When Mat came back, he started to clean you up with the damp towel, making sure that you were alright and that he didn’t hurt you. He took his time making sure to stop as soon as you started to feel uncomfortable or started to wince. You kept trying to fight off the sleepiness that was taking over so you had a chance to talk to Mat about everything he wanted just so he can get his mind over it. Your eyes were starting to slowly close once again until you felt the bed dip and Mat’s arm pull you so your head was on his chest

“What’s going on through that mind of yours?” you asked him knowing that he was thinking about the game again

“Just the game, the fight, how much my eye hurts” he laughs off but you can tell he’s still somewhat upset causing you to get up and face him

“Mathew, you did your best, and you’ll keep doing your best. I know you know this but you go close to a goal each period and in overtime. Yes, it’s not going well, but you need to have some faith in you. There’s still some positives that happened, you assisted a couple of goals from Tito and Scott, plus the game winning goal. Those are still something-” you told him before he cut you off

“Yeah but they’re not a goal you know? Everyone, from commentators to interviewers have been on my ass about not scoring and it’s frustrating to listen to and when it happens it gets blocked” mat exclaimed, as he ran his hand through is hair trying not to show his frustration

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that will happen and things will get better. Remember you were struggling towards the end of the regular season and then you got a goal straight out of the penalty box?”

“Yes but-”

“But nothing. You still have game 6 and I know that you guys will advance to the next round and you will get that goal that you want.” you finished as you now sit on his lap staring into his eyes and grabbing his hands

“Okay, mainly because I trust you and I love you.” he said as he gave you a small peck on the lips

“I love you”

“Now, do you still have enough energy for another round or are you tired?”

“I don’t know, I’m not the one who played 5 periods of hockey and got into a fight” you smirked as he flipped you onto your back

“Well then, you shouldn’t have said that missy” he whispered to you smirking as he went back down on you

[fangurk]

She’s Always There (Paul Lahote x Reader)

Key:

Y/n: Your Name

Y/l/n: Your Last Name

Y/n/n: Your Nickname

Y/e/c: Your Eye Color

Y/h/c: Your Hair Color

Prompt Given To Me By @ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhh.tumblr.com: hey!! so the reason I'm messaging is because I wanted to request something but can't fit it all into an ask lmao. anyways could i please request a Paul Lahote x reader where the reader has been super close to the whole pack for years and has been Paul's imprint but doesn't know it (bc Sam thought it would be best to keep u away from it all) and they decide to finally tell you about being shapeshifters and being Paul's imprint and you're so mad about them not telling u earlier and there's a huge argument and they and Paul tries to calm you down but you say stuff like 'leave me alone' and things like that and it sounds like you're rejecting him/the bond in ur angry breakdown. anyways Paul is heartbroken and can't get out of bed or eat or anything so the guys finally convince you to come back bc they and Paul need you and it's just the reader cuddling with him and getting him out of bed to take a shower and eat and he realizes that you're not going anywhere and it's just like healing the imprint bond? sorry for this WALL of text, I've just had this idea stuck in my head for a while lol. if you don't want to do it, that's completely fine!! thank you for your time ♡

ok so my guy,, bc this fic has been stuck in my head for a bit, some scenes have developed? so idk i hope this isn't too much, but if u do write it, would u be willing to add like some angst to it, obvi, and maybe a scene/part lol where when the reader tries to get him to shower (bc the misinterpreted rejection made him like super depressed and he just felt low about himself) he won't shower, because he doesn't want to come out and the reader is gone. so either they shower together (not smutty just angst&fluff) or she sits like in the bathroom while he showers LOL. and when he feels a bit better, they go down to eat and he's touching some part of her at all times. if this is too much to like,, include then that's a-okay. i just need to get this OUT of my MIND ugh lmao!/!

Reader Gender: Female

Summary: The Reader has been friends with most of the pack members for her whole life. Which is why, after months of silence and strange changes, she was willing to let them back into her life— until she finds out she’s been told lies that leave her in danger, of course. After a big freak out and two weeks of avoiding them, the boys come begging for her help; it turns out that Paul has some wolf-y claim on her, and whatever she said to him has left him worse for wear...

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Nudity, Angst, and Cursing.

A/n: this is literally like a whole novel I’m so sorry I got carried away. this is kinda based on a lot of fics I read where the imprint has the potential to really hurt people and I named Paul’s dad.

Word Count: 2.9k+

“The legends are real!?”

Y/n Y/l/n hasn’t ever been so disturbed in her entire life.

After weeks of radio silence, Sam Uley’s little ‘gang’, mostly consisting of people she’d known since childhood, had slowly trickled back into her life. What started as a grocery run with Paul or a movie with Jared had turned into big bonfire parties including Jacob Black and his gaggle.

But that was months ago. Months. And now, as she sits by a fire, surrounded on either side by them, they decide to tell her their little secret?

“Y/n.” Sam says as she abruptly stands, eyes stern and hand raised placatingly.

His actions only served to upset her more and her skin bristles with irritation. Sam was acting as if she, a human surrounded by shape shifters, was the unstable one. As if she could do any damage to things built to kill vampires.

“Don’t you dare, Sam.” She clenches her fists, glaring right back at him. “It’s been months- months- and you’re telling me now?”

“It’s not exactly an easy thing to bring up.” He reasons, voice a little less demanding. “We all wanted to be sure that you were ready to know.”

“Ready?!” Y/n laughs mirthlessly, y/e/c eyes wide with disbelief, “When was I supposed to be ready Sam? W-when one of you gored me? When a cold one ripped me apart?”

Her hands shake as she puts them on her forehead, blinking back tears. Growing up all she’d ever heard were stories of humans getting dragged into fights between wolf and vampire, and she couldn’t bring herself to look Emily in the eye because it was suddenly apparent that wolves alone could hurt people too.

It was so bad, whatever happened to Emily, that they said a bear mauled her— Y/n didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“It’s not like that, Y/n/n.” Embry chimes in, reaching out to grab his friend's arm.

She yanks her body out of the way and gathers her belongings quickly.

“What is it like then, Call?” She holds her bag to her heaving chest, “because it seems to me that you all have the ability to turn into giant, slobbery freaks that are built for killing vampires and, after completely dropping me for weeks, you decided to keep it secret from me for months. Did it even occur to you that I would’ve been better off knowing right off the bat?!”

No one says anything. Eight shifters and two of their girlfriends sit there, just staring at her like she was speaking a different language.

“You know,” Y/n has to clear her throat to steady her wavering voice, “had you guys really been souped-up on drugs like everyone says, maybe I could’ve handled the lying. But my life was clearly potentially in danger, and you let me hang around without saying anything. I- God I don’t want to see you people right now.”

She leaves with that, stepping over logs and storming back down the beach with determination. Faintly over the roar of her heartbeat, she can hear someone scrambling to stand behind her.

“Wait!— shit, sorry-” Paul grunts, jogging to catch up with her- “Y/n-“

With an unusual gentleness, his warm hand wrapped around her forearm. For a moment, deep in the back of her mind, a foreign feeling tells her to stop, to listen; but that small voice is quickly smothered by the rational part of her brain, and she wrenches her arm from his grip.

“Don’t touch me!” She snaps, lowering her voice, “Leave me alone- I need to be alone.”

Paul stands there, dumbstruck, an unreadable look in his eyes as she walks away. And he’d continue to stand there, looking like a kicked puppy long after her retreating form became a blur amongst the darkness of the beach.

“Paul?” Sam is hesitant, hand hovering over the younger boy’s shoulder a minute before he touches him, “You okay?”

Shrugging his leader’s arm off his shoulder, Paul sighs. “No...I...I’m just gonna head home.”

Instead of going in the directions of the cars, the wolf stalks off toward the woods; Emily stands from her seat, wrapping her sweater more around herself as she watches Paul leave. Concern is written all over her features.

“He’ll be fine, Em,” He pulls her in for a hug, “it’ll all work out eventually.”

ஓ๑♡๑ஓ

Y/n does a good job of avoiding them for a while.

She turns her phone off a few days in and avoids going to First Beach, even when Washington gets a rare, warm summer feel. Books that have sat long forgotten on her shelves get read and TV shows she’s always meant to catch up on get watched; it’s boring and she runs out of options, at one point thinking of dying her hair y/f/c just to spice things up, but it allows her to think. (Or at least it allows this strange little voice in the back of her head to tell her that she needs to go back to them.)

The next time she sees any of the boys is exactly two weeks after the bonfire incident.

She’s curled up on her couch, picking at some of the Clearwaters’ fish fry and barely watching an episode of ANTM, when a fist comes banging down on her door. Turning off the TV, she tiptoes to the window, peeking under the curtain as carefully as she can.

As she expected, Jared Cameron and Embry Call are on her porch, the former standing in front of her door with his hip cocked, the other rooting around in her mother’s plants for something. Cringing, she hopes if she’s quiet enough that they’ll just go away.

Her front door opens within minutes, however, and she realizes her hoping is fruitless.

Should’ve known you can’t hide from wolves, she can’t help but think bitterly.

“Y/n?” Jared calls out through the house, “we know you’re here.”

“Yeah, and you guys should probably move your spare key,” Embry tacks on, flicking the light switch to the living room up, “I've known you forever and it’s still in the same place.”

From her spot by the window, the y/h/c haired girl glares at the two boys, arms crossed over her chest. Embry gives her a lopsided grin and holds the key out to her, his bud plopping down on the couch and pulling her abandoned plate into his lap.

Y/n extends a hand to take the key.

“Has it really been in the same place?” She sounds a little more defeated than she’d like.

“Yeah, it’s always been in your mother’s cornflower pot.”

“That’s...kinda sad.” She wrinkles her nose, pocketing the key with the intention to hide it better later, “but uh, I’ve been ignoring you for two weeks for a reason. Peacefully breaking into my house kinda furthers my need for space.”

Embry scratches the back of his neck.

“Well,” He says, “we need you to come back, man. Paul won’t talk to anyone- Sam doesn’t know if he’s eating, and he won’t even get out of bed for patrol! He needs his imprint-”

“His what?” She cocks her head to the side and Jared snorts from the couch.

“She left before we got there, nimrod,” Jared mocks through a mouthful of food, “she doesn’t know what an imprint is.”

He lets out an indignant “Hey!” as Y/n walks by, snatching her plate back from him on her way to the kitchen. Embry chases after her, a grumpy Jared jumping up from the couch to follow.

“You’re his imprint— you’re basically his soulmate!”

“Really?” She says warily, sealing the fish and putting it back in the fridge.

Both boys nod clumsily.

“You remember a few weeks ago when you saw each other for the first time again and he kinda just stood there like an idiot while you talked?”

“Yeah? Oh!-” She brings her hands up to her mouth, brows furrowed as she recalls.

It was exactly Jared had said. She and Paul had seen one another for the first time in a long time and the minute her y/e/c eyes looked into his, it was like he’d been struck dumb.

Embry gives her an encouraging look, “An imprint is...It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like… gravity moves… suddenly. It's not the earth holding you here anymore, she does… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend. When you snapped at him last week he thought you were rejecting him….”

A part of her thought about how absurd it was that he knew that whole speech. But the bigger part of her came to a realization that made her stomach churn.

“So he's all depressed… because… of me?” She whispers, leaning back on the counter.

Embry, always a rather sympathetic person, opens his mouth to comfort her, but Jared cuts him off.

“Basically. So are you going to come with us so we can help Paul or are you going to continue being petty?”

In any other circumstance, Y/n probably would’ve thrown something at her for calling her petty. She felt she was completely justified in her actions. A part of her wonders if she can really believe them— they’d spent months lying to her after all. But a larger part thinks about Paul, curled up in his bed, slowly desecrating because he thinks she rejected him.

If it were really all some ploy to get her to listen to them, then she’d at least be the person who chose the well-being of her friend over a petty disagreement.

“I’m coming.” She affirms, pushing herself off the counter, and letting the boys lead her to the car.

ஓ๑♡๑ஓ

Jared and Embry drop her off in front of the Lahote household. They tell her something but she can’t really hear them over her heartbeat, she doesn’t even know they’re gone until it’s too late to turn back.

Getting into the house wasn’t the hard part. Paul’s father, Cyrus, had been leaving as she arrived, and, after he watched her stare at the house with a fearful expression for a few minutes, he happily let her in. The hard part was willing her legs to take her up the stairs to Paul’s room, and then it was opening his bedroom door.

Y/n has known Paul since they were eight, but she was afraid of him until they were eleven. He wasn’t mean, per se, but his anger made him do mean things; she wasn’t entirely happy with puberty and it’s monthly gifts, but whatever it did to make her suddenly un-afraid of him she was grateful for. But now, standing in front of his bedroom door, she had a nagging fear that Paul would revert to that eight year old boy who threw lunch boxes and twisted arms behind backs until people cried.

The door creaks slightly as she struggles to push it open.

His room is almost completely dark except for the light coming from the hallway behind her. Trash and dirty clothes have formed a compact layer on his bedroom floor, foot sized holes leading up to the twin sized bed in the corner. On the bed, amongst the blankets she’s sure he doesn’t need, is Paul— or at least, a Paul sized lump.

As gross as it is, she’s kind of relieved he’s been eating.

“Paul?” She whispers tentatively, stepping toward the bed.

The lump flinches and turns toward her.

“Y/n?”

If the room and the description of his state weren’t heartbreaking enough, his voice definitely was. Hollow, rough, and small, everything it never was, everything Paul wasn’t.

“Is that you?”

“Yeah...it’s me..”

She carefully steps over to the bed, and Paul slowly sits up, pushing his blankets to the side. There’s a beat of silence as she stands between his legs, his reluctant hands coming to rest on her waist after a minute. Y/n let’s him have another to gather his thoughts.

“You really came…” Tears well up in his eyes and loops his arms around her back.

She runs a hand through his hair. “I did, and I’m so sorry, if I had known—”

Paul nuzzles her stomach, “S’fine, you didn’t know, and you’re here now.”

There’s a sort of cute, euphoria lacing his voice and he’s visibly much more relaxed.

“Just don’t ever say that again…”

“I won’t, I promise.”

She’s surprised when he manhandles her into his lap, but she doesn’t really mind. He’s warm and strangely familiar and something about it just— clicks.

“When was the last time you spent, I dunno, a minute or two out of your room?” Y/n asks softly, y/e/c eyes glancing about the room.

The shifter’s only response is a shrug, too busy nosing around her neck with vigor. When he finds a certain spot, it makes her squeak, and this seems to excite him like a puppy finding out its favorite toy makes noise.

“You need to bathe, eat something substantial,” She intertwines their fingers, “and the...pack...they’re really worried about you— are you even listening to me?”

He looks up at her then and flashes her a sheepish smile, answering her question. Pursing her lips, she pulls his arms from around her.

“C’mon, Paul.” She stands up and takes his hand. “We’re gonna get you cleaned up.”

She moves toward the door, urging him forward, only to be jerked to a stop as he stays put. He looks a little distressed when she turns back to him, brows furrowed, almost like he’s in pain.

“Paul?”

He grunts, jaw clenched as the cogs turn in his head. Y/n cocks her head and reaches out for his other hand. It felt like some sort of supernatural intuition, one she’ll blame on the imprint and ask Emily about later.

“Paul, hon, why won’t you come shower?”

“I’m afraid you'll leave,” He says bashfully, “it’s stupid, I know, but part of me is afraid you’ll leave while I’m in the shower.”

Y/n couldn’t help but feel a little heartbroken at his confession. Paul was part wolf, and part of being part wolf was imprinting— she almost wishes she’d have stayed long enough to listen, or been able to focus as the boys debriefed her on the ride over because only being able to speculate how much she’d actually hurt him was eating her alive. He wouldn’t even shower, something he desperately needed to do, because of what she’d said.

Taking a deep breath, she barely registers the words she’s about to say.

“I’ll wait with you, I’ll sit on the toilet, you’ll see me there.”

And true to her word, Y/n does sit on the toilet while Paul showers, reading the information on soap bottles to distract herself from the fact that he was there next to her, very naked. Occasionally he asks her what she’s doing, and she reads the ingredients out loud to the best of her ability, and he laughs a little— she tries to hide her smile, but she was too happy he was laughing.

She closes her eyes when he gets out, letting him dry himself off and pull on some clean shorts. He throws the wet towel at her when he’s done, eliciting a “Hey!” that makes him laugh again.

Now that he’s clean, the two of them descend into his quiet house. Y/n navigates the kitchen, her wolf attached to her hip and being less than helpful, and makes them both something to eat— he doesn’t do much more than stand behind her, wrapped around her, making her life more difficult.

“I’m so happy you came back.” He says, watching her work.

“I was always going to.” Y/n responds, her voice sure and steady.

They talk as they eat, sitting across from one another at the too big table in the Lahote household. Talk about how this was going to work, admitting feelings that always lingered, and everything in between; she hooks her leg around his, watching him scarf down his meal with a wrinkled nose and fondness glittering in her y/e/c eyes.

He’s...gross...but he’s hers, she’s kind of stuck with him.

A date is planned. An actual date.

Paul promises to take her to the local diner (and to wear a shirt, for once.)

“I’ve been saving up for something like this.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and you can get that dessert you like.”

Y/n laughs softly, but heat spreads up her neck and settles in her ears and cheeks. It’d been a long time since that had been her favorite food, but it was the thought that counted...

When Cyrus Lahote returns from work later that night his son and the Y/l/n girl are awkwardly situated on his couch— him on his back, snoring, her lying on top of him, face tucked into his neck, also fast asleep. The older man turns off the TV and tosses a blanket over the pair, ascending up the stairs with a smile on his face.

Y/n Y/l/n was trustworthy. She’s always there when Paul is in a rut too big for him to handle...

[emmyhem]

always (l.r.h)

a/n: hi everyone! this is a lil angsty piece i wanted to get up. i just want to say again how sorry i am for not getting anything up for the past two weeks, i’ve just been overwhelmed with some stuff for my classes, but i am starting to get back in the swing of things now. also, this is unedited as i was rushing to get it up in time. i do plan on posting something else tomorrow night and hopefully i’ll be posting pretty consistently from now on. also this does end kind of abruptly but i wanted to leave it like that because i’m a sucker for angst, with that being said i would be happy to write a part two if that’s something you’d be interested in. anyway, feedback and comments are appreciated as always and i hope you’re all having an amazing day/night. enjoy! - emmy <33

pairing: luke hemmings x fem!reader 

summary: luke recounts his mistake and hopes he can patch things up with his always. 

warnings:  very brief mention of sex, cursing, mentions of alcohol, luke’s being an asshole, mention of pinching (idk), slight insecurity from the reader, lots of angst :( 

word count: 2.6k

Luke had always hated the quiet. That’s when his thoughts were the loudest. That must be why he had never really liked being alone with himself. 

Tonight in particular, his thoughts were practically screaming, one word over and over again. 

“Y/n”

For the past two years that name had acted as his most favorite word, one that he would utter whenever he had gotten the chance. Whether it be to brag about your recent accomplishments to his friends, to catch your attention from another room, or falling from his lips with a sigh of pleasure as he reached completion with you laying breathlessly beneath him. 

Now the word seemed torturous, the last time he uttered it replaying on a relentless loop in his head. 

It was your 2nd anniversary. Dinner had been laid out on the table for an hour. Two glasses of wine sat untouched in front of a vase of roses you had picked out at the florist earlier that morning, and there was no sign of Luke. 

You were wracking through your brain as you watched a petal fall from a rose and land lightly in one of the glasses. 

Had you gotten the time wrong? 

But you were sure that the two of you had agreed on 8:00 for dinner, that way you had time to get everything ready after getting home from work, and Luke wouldn’t have to rush to leave the studio. 

Yet somehow you found yourself staring at the now cold dinner at 9:30, with absolutely no word from Luke. You wanted to call, if for no other reason than to check he was still alive and breathing, but your nerves stopped you from doing that, not wanting to take on the role of the overbearing girlfriend. 

Your stomach growled hungrily over the light music that was playing through the house speakers. So, begrudgingly you took a bite of the pasta on your plate before downing your entire glass of wine. 

Luke arrived home about 2 hours later, a bouquet of your favorite flowers in hand. He caught sight of the table, with one setting completely untouched as he hung up his coat, causing guilt to pang in his chest. 

“Baby,” he called out, carrying himself to your shared bedroom.

When no response came his heart rate sped up in fear that you had left. 

“Y/n” he called, louder this time with a sense of urgency clear in his voice.  

That’s when he spotted a person sized lump underneath the duvet. Releasing a sigh of relief he moved towards you, peeling the blankets off and leaving a soft kiss on your shoulder. 

This caused you to stir a bit, eyes fluttering open to meet him. 

“Hi, my love.” he cooed. 

A frown was prominent on your face, and a crease separated your eyebrows as they furrowed angrily. 

“I’m sorry I’m late. We got a bit carried away in the studio, but in good news the album is coming along great. M’so excited for you to hear it” 

You had always tried to be understanding of Luke’s job for many reasons. One being that you both reaped the benefit of his success, you wanted for essentially nothing, had a nice house, the opportunity to travel, and Luke often spoiled you with gifts even if you asked him not to. Another being how happy it made your boyfriend. Music truly was his passion, and he was so talented that you wouldn’t want for him to ever put his work on the back burner for you. 

With that being said, you made a point to take time off to spend time with him whenever you were able to. You had even changed jobs because your last one hadn’t allowed you to go on tour with him, which he had been adamant about, insisting, “There’s no way I can be away from you for that long.” 

And you were happy to do all of those things, because you were in love, and  you felt incredibly lucky to even be a part of his world. But you did start to question things as your relationship went on. It felt like Luke didn’t even consider your job. He only saw it as something that took you away from him. 

You had worked hard to get where you were in the occupational field. Without your job all you would have to do is sit around and wait for Luke to be ready for you, and you just couldn’t live like that. 

Luke turned on the lamp on your nightstand as you slowly sat up in bed. 

“2 weeks Luke, we’ve had these plans for two weeks.” 

“I know baby I tried, but you know how it is when inspiration strikes.” he dismissed while sitting the flowers on the ground. 

“No, I don’t. Do you not think that I have things I could be doing for work? Cause I do, and I choose this over all of that.” you huffed in frustration. 

Luke took a deep breath while subtly rolling his eyes. 

“Y/n, I’m sorry for missing dinner, but you don’t understand the pressure I’m under, from the fans, the label, management, and the band.” 

“I know that you work hard and I know how important this is to you, and I’m so proud of you, but I’m proud of us too and I would’ve liked to have a night for just us.” you tried to explain. “Not to mention the fact that I’m under pressure in my job too and I always find time for you, no matter what.” 

“Yea, you have pressure from a job that you don’t need.” his voice rising in anger with each word as he paced around the room. 

“How many times do I have to tell you Luke? It’s my job, it’s a part of my life and I don’t plan on giving it up anytime soon.” you shouted. 

“Great.” he replied sarcastically. “Then you should understand that I won’t give up my job anytime soon.” 

“I’m not asking you to, I’m just asking for a bit of consideration, and just a sliver of your time.” 

“I’m working to make us more money.” he stated.

“Luke, we don’t need any more money. You should be working because you enjoy it and because it’s your passion.”

He let out a condescending laugh before turning to look in your eyes. 

“Yea, well you don’t seem to mind all the money when you're sitting at home in the house that I bought, and leeching off of my bank account on the daily. D’ya think you could afford all the shit you have just based on your salary?” he spat crudely. 

You physically leaned back as if the words had just actually been thrown at you. They must’ve, because the pain they caused felt far too real to just be emotional. You opened your mouth to fight back, to scream, to do something but the lump in your throat prevented anything to come out other than a sad, and pathetic squeak. 

Was that what he thought about you? 

This had caught you completely off guard. Sure, you were expecting an argument, you’d even say you were expecting a big one, but you would’ve never guessed he would throw this in your face. 

You felt betrayed. It had always made you insecure that you were making such little money compared to your boyfriend. 

Some days after receiving your paycheck you would go out and spend it all on Luke, solely because you wanted to know that you could contribute too. You would do that whenever you got the chance, to reassure that your work was important, and valid. And mainly to show Luke that you appreciated all he did for you. 

He would always reply, “You don’t have to do this, love. I like spoiling my girl.” 

Yeah right. 

“I wasn’t, I m-mean I don’t try to lee-,” you paused, the word feeling too gross to repeat back. 

“Well, you do whether you're trying or not so the least you can do is give me a break occasionally.” he spoke casually, while changing into sweats as if he wasn’t ripping you apart with every word. 

You kept a blank stare at the bedroom door, your eyes already stinging with unshed tears. You wished you could be angrier but his words left you questioning and feeling guilty. 

As hard as you’d tried to provide for yourself and make your own way you couldn’t help but wonder if you had subconsciously started leaning on him, more than you had ever wanted. 

Luke continued getting ready for bed, not taking a second look at you since hitting you with his harsh words. 

“I-I’m sorry.” you croaked. 

“It’s fine, Y/n I just wish you could’ve been slightly more understanding.” he continued, still not facing you. 

“I think that maybe, I mean, um I gotta go.” you were speaking through tears, as you abruptly stood from the bed and hurried to leave the room. 

This caught Luke’s attention causing him to spin in your direction at lightning speed, finally taking in your emotional state.

“Going? Going where? I-what are you talking about?” 

You didn’t reply, grabbing your keys, bag, and shoes as you continued to speed to the front door. 

“Y/n!” he continued, following closely behind you. 

You paused at the front door and turned to meet his eyes. His stressed appearance subsided as you allowed him the opportunity to talk. 

“You’re upset.” he concluded, reaching a hand out to hold your cheek.

You leaned away from his touch and shook your head lightly, “M’not.” 

His features softened and he took another step closer to you, “You are. I’m sorry, I was harsh.” 

“No, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” 

“Didn’t know?” 

“I don’t want t-to leech” you stuttered out. 

This rendered Luke speechless, realizing how cruel his words had been. You had taken this as an opportunity to exit the house, quickly running to your car. Luke made it to the driveway just in time to see you drive away. 

“Fuck” he snapped, jogging back towards the house to get his phone and call you in hopes of convincing you to come back. 

After calling you at least 20 times with no response he conceded and decided he should try and get some sleep, that way he was rested enough to get you to forgive him in the morning. 

His body fell naturally to his side of the bed, but his eyes lingered on where you typically laid. 

Rolling onto his back, eyes finding the ceiling he muttered to himself, “I’m an idiot.” 

Eventually he was tiring out, the bedroom ceiling growing extremely boring after staring for so long. He turned on his side to hug your pillow to his chest. As his hand slid under the pillow it came into contact with an envelope that had been hidden underneath. 

He sat up and flicked on a lamp to read the front, “To my Lu” 

He could tell that you had taken your time penciling on your words, each letter was flawless and written delicately. Before ripping it open he hesitated, questioning whether or not he even deserved to see what was inside after the way he spoke to you. The selfish part of his brain won for the second time that night. 

The first thing he saw after opening was two airline tickets situated just in front of a folded piece of notebook paper. 

He held his breath as he brought them into the light, two roundtrip business tickets to Sydney. 

He rushed to read the note you had left with them, unfolding it quickly. 

“Lu, 

Happy two years, my love. I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to call you mine for this long. Not a day goes by where I’m not in complete and utter awe of you and everything you do for me. I know how hard you work and how much you miss home and your family while you continue to grow in your music, and in yourself everyday. I know these aren’t the best tickets you’ve ever had by any means or the most extravagant vacation you’ve taken, but I wanted to show you how much I love you and how much I know you deserve, and need a break. We have 2 weeks, we leave tomorrow. I’ve worked it all out with the guys and your label. I know this is just a small way to repay you for the way you’ve taken care of me and the way you’ve loved me so selflessly for so long but I hope it shows you just a sliver of how much I love you. 

Yours always, 

               Y/n” 

He traced the letters of your name repeatedly as he blinked back a few stinging tears, before falling asleep, the note clutched tightly to his chest. 

That was a week, and about 100 missed calls ago.

About two days after you left, your friend had called to let him know that you were safe and staying with her for the time being. It had slightly lessened his worry, but the guilt he felt grew exponentially each day he had no reason to say your name.

He had claimed your side of the bed as his own in hopes that it would bring you closer to him. When he had finally dragged himself out of bed to shower he used your body wash and as embarrassing as it sounds nearly cried when the room was flooded with the familiar rose scented steam. And tonight while scouring through the liquor cabinet and feeling completely sorry for himself he had come across a bottle of tequila that you had purchased on your most recent vacation. 

Luke had put a serious dent in it by the time he was done scrolling through all of his pictures of you, and his finger began to itch with the need to call you. 

Through blurry and clouded eyes he located your contact, a breath hitching in his throat when he clicked the call button. 

With each unanswered ring he pinched his wrist, willing himself to wake up and discover this was all just some horrible nightmare, that he would just roll over and see you curled up next to him, warm, and sweet, and perfect. So fucking perfect. 

“You’ve reached y/n. Sorry I can’t get to the phone, leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thanks” 

But it’s not his nightmare that got him here, it’s his mistake. 

“Y/n,” he croaked, his voice hoarse and scratchy as he hasn’t used it much in the past couple of days. 

“I don’t know what to do anymore, I miss you and I’m sorry. I-” his heart was pounding and his intoxication numbed him from the feeling of  the hot tears that streamed down his face as he continued. “M’selfish baby. I’m so selfish and I was talking out of my ass that night, of course you’re not leeching. That’s fucking ridiculous, you couldn’t be, I give you nothing compared to what you give me. I just don’t know how to admit I’m wrong and the money is bullshit, it doesn’t matter, we could both live without it.”  his chest felt tight as he took a large gulp of air. “I-I can’t live without you, really I don’t think I can. I need you and I love you. I love you so much. Just please come home to me, please baby. I need you with me, and I want to fucking give you the world and I know you don’t need me to give it to you. I want to. I just-I want to give you everything, anything. You can have it all. It’s yours. I’m yours, alwa-”  his pleads were cut off by the dial tone. 

“Always.” he repeated, staring at the black screen. 

pt. 2

[draggingthedregs]

Hello! I love your writing so much! Can you write some kanej with Kaz being protective of Inej? If not that’s completely fine :) thank u!

a/n: okay so I always really struggle with “protective Kaz” things because I feel like he knows that she can most definitely take care of herself and he respects her for that. So this is what I came up with to try and meet in the middle. There’s that scene in Six of Crows where Kaz sends Inej to get rid of Rojakke (is that how you spell it? Idk he was in one scene, his name is not the point) and then when they’re back in his office that night he asks like “Did he put up a fight?” and she says “Nothing I couldn’t handle” and he says “Not what I asked” so thats where the idea for this came from, thank you bye. 

word count: 2634

There was something about the floor of the Crow Club that set Kaz at ease.

Its endless cacophony of coins bouncing from table to floor, the spinning of Makkers Wheel, the laughter floating onto the street, and, his personal favorite, the flipping that only accompanied a deck of cards. Somedays he thought he’d be content to shuffle at a table forever.

It was then that Inej pushed through the entryway, shaking off the rain that rarely ceased to pour over the crowded city. She pulled her hood down, her inky hair braided into a long rope laying against her shoulder. Kaz traced every inch of her, as he often did when she entered a room: the slope of her nose, the smile she flashed to the greetings shouted in her direction, the knives strapped to her hips. He tried to ignore the voice in the back of his head that reminded him he’d also be content to be with her forever.

There were times he hated the things that he would notice, hated how his brain slipped past the innocent intention of watching to a sinister place of touch and consequence. He flipped the thoughts over in his head, studying them from every angle like he would a card trick, trying to mold them into different pictures. But the images froze in place anyway; the feel of her skin against his burned like fire, even in an illusion.

Most of all, he hated that he couldn’t force these delusions into reality, couldn’t touch her how he wanted, couldn’t force the bile down and only feel Inej’s warmth.  

As she approached him, nodding to the private game rooms at the back of the club, giving him a clear view of her, he saw that something was amiss. Scarlet bloomed through her vest and onto her sleeve, trailing down to her thigh. He followed her, shutting the heavy door behind them and turning its complex series of locks. She’s upright. That’s all you should care about. 

“The Exchange was crawling with Stadwatch. Security must be tight since the incident.” 

“Did they see you?”

Inej practically scoffed, leaning her weight against the wooden table. “No. But I’m sure they’ll find someone who fits their bill. You know as well as I do, the council will want this quieted soon.”

Kaz nodded. Two weeks ago, the Exchange had been robbed, and though it was never publicly released, Kaz knew exactly what was stolen. After all, he had all the stocks and shipment papers locked in his safe as they spoke. 

Roeder had been the one to pull off the job originally, this being one of the few things Kaz had required a spider for while she was busy at sea. He had done a mediocre job, but he was sloppy with locks and leaving the place as he’d found it. Going back to the scene of the crime seemed too risky a gamble but when Inej returned, she knew she could scrape it. And Kaz wasn’t going to start doubting the Wraith’s abilities now. 

He flipped through the file she handed him. To anyone else, it may have looked useless, just pages and pages of numbers and times, scratchy handwritten tables filled with nonsense. But to him, and to a mercher with half a whit, this was key to investing. With the talleys and dates in hand, he would know what shipments to bank on and where to place his shares for the next few months. 

“As always, the Wraith pulls through.”

Inej nodded and pulled her hood up once more. “You’re welcome.”

Kaz gave her another once over, slower than intended. “What happened?” He blurted, his voice sounding like a low growl in his throat.  

Inej looked down at herself, brows knitted, studying the blood on her trousers. “Bullet or two from a guard just shooting at shadows.” With her brief summary of events, she took her weight off the table, readying herself for the journey back into the wet.

Kaz felt a sinking in his chest at the thought of her walking away from him, even if it was just to her apartment, and he hated himself for it. Now especially with her covered in blood, he couldn’t stomach the thought of her leaving. Without meaning to, he had taken himself back to before she had left.

It had been Inej’s last night before heading to sea when they had tried to pretend they were normal, that there wasn’t still so much between them. Kaz sat next to her on his bed, bad leg out in front of him, avoiding her gaze. 

“We don’t have to do this at all.”

But he did. Kaz had to prove that he had come further than this. I can best this… 

When she set sail the next morning, the feeling of failure settled deep within him, right beside the feeling that this time, he may never get her back from the sea. 

Now, he couldn’t help but stop her. “Inej-” he began. 

She turned, her hand resting on the doors heavy handle.

He made up the steps between them to stand beside her. Kaz forced himself to give any semblance of explanation, knowing that he’d promised to give her what she deserved and knowing that he was currently failing. “Let me walk with you.”

Inej nodded, dropping her hand as Kaz unlocked the door and opened it for her. He felt awkward, and quite frankly stupid; opening it as if she was some pretty girl that couldn’t handle the difference between whether to push or pull. She strided through anyway and he followed, silently cursing himself and hoping the grimace on his face looked normal for his temperament. Once they’d made it to the street, she slowed to walk beside him. 

At first, neither of them spoke. Then, in her gentle and hushed tone, perhaps to avoid his inevitable questions about her evening, “Am I getting a personal escort through the Barrel?”

Kaz needn’t look down to feel the smile in her voice. “Is that what you’d prefer to call it?”

“It isn’t exactly an evening stroll down the canal, is it?”

“I suppose not.” He cringed at the sound of his own rasp, smashing against the lift of her voice like waves against stone. Though from what he could tell, she didn’t do the same. Inej only shrugged, tugging her hood forward against the drizzle. 

“I only meant that I should feel lucky to get the King of the Barrel to myself for the night.”

Kaz thought he might keel over. “I am a busy man, but I still find time to survey my kingdom.”

Inej only rolled her eyes and kept her gaze straight forward. A moment of silence nestled between them, leaving only the sound off the East Stave hanging in the air. After fighting with himself for what seemed like far too long, his gaze settled atop her.

“Yes?”

Kaz swallowed hard, “Did you miss Ketterdam?” Did you miss me? 

She considered his question, and to him, the silence stretched through the air like a rubber band about to break. 

“I did. More than I thought I would.” Inej finally relented. Her voice had drifted to a somber place, a quiet stillness replacing the humor she’d had minutes before. 

They had turned down a back alley, the darkness consuming them in sore contrast to the dazzling lights of the Stave. Their footsteps echoed in a syncopated rhythm, his awkward gait and cane paired with her near-soundless steps. 

Maybe it was the high of having her back, walking next to him through Ketterdam as they’d done so many times before, but he hadn’t realized the direction they’d been walking. They approached the Slat, its crooked frame jutting out from the foundation at a welcoming tilt. He glanced down to Inej once more, watching as she took in the building, trying to see it through her eyes, as he wished to see much of the world. 

“Is the Captain afraid of her old nest?”

If he had intended it as a jab, she didn’t take it as such. Inej shook her head once, “It just feels like home…” 

She moved before he did, taking a deep breath of the stale air inside as she stepped through the threshold. There was movement, as there always was, but the Slat was quiet this time of night and Kaz was thankful. It meant that, selfishly, he could keep Inej upstairs and to himself for as long as he could come up with things to talk about. Perhaps they’d even sit on his bed and she would allow him to make up for the last time they’d found themselves there. 

Kaz marveled at her as she took the creaky stairs ahead of him, the steps creaking beneath his weight after seemingly not registering her. His eyes once again wandered to the blood stains that covered her. He felt a hair-pin trigger go off in his chest and suddenly, there was anger. 

Stop that. She isn’t yours to save. 

Inej waited for him to open the door, sidestepping as they both now stood on the landing. If Kaz hadn’t just been studying her, he might have missed her change in demeanor and the way she shifted her weight to the wall behind her.  

“Inej.”

“Hm?”

Kaz attempted to even his tone. “How bad are they?” 

“What?”

His voice sounded like stones grinding against one another, “The bullet wounds.”

She shrugged but he could see the stress of the evening in her features. Her limbs seemed heavy and her eyelids fought to open with every blink. With a shove, Kaz unlocked his office door, forcing the warped wood open and, without hesitation, Inej followed him in, taking in the room as she clicked the locks back into place.

He leaned his cane against the makeshift desk and shucked his gloves off as he approached the cabinet beneath his wash basin, digging through its drawers for gauze and shears. Behind him, he heard the familiar creak of his window opening. The smell of rain against the cobblestones wafted toward him. 

“Your window seat has felt neglected. Your crows too.”

“Does that mean you stopped feeding them while I was gone?”

No. They reminded me of you. I couldn’t let another piece of you go. “They’re scavengers. I’m sure they managed.”

It was then that Kaz turned to see her standing by his bed. Inej looked up, her cheeks flushing red like she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t have been. He only walked over, setting the bandages on the thin mattress. “So I don’t have to find a heartrender for you.”

“They really aren’t that bad-”

“You’ve bled through your clothes. They’re bad enough.”

Inej cleared her throat as she began removing layers of knives and clothes. Kaz’s eyes roved over her, the pounding in his chest growing louder. He hated it. 

 Her arms and shoulders were covered in fresh scars, some of them still red and scabbed, and the bruises on her ribs were still deep purple. 

“Slavers don’t give up their cargo easily.” Inej’s voice came out with caution, as if she was waiting to see his reaction. 

His gaze met hers, voice carving into the air like a rusted blade. “Where are they all now?”

“Dead.”

A sense of pride cracked through him as a rare smile settled on his lips. Kaz nodded. “Good.” 

She picked up a strip of bandage, wrapping it around the bullet wound on her bicep, silence filling the space between them. Inej didn’t need to look up to feel the weight of his eyes on her. A flush crept to the tops of her ears. “I didn’t want you to see.”

It was rare for Kaz Brekker to be confused and yet, here he was. 

“I thought you might kill someone. Or start to doubt that I could handle myself.”

“I could never doubt you. Only a fool would.” It was only after he said it that he realized it had been aloud. 

Inej tied off the bandage then glanced down to the blood on her pants.  

“I can-”

“No.” She said, finally making eye contact with him again. “Stay.”

For his sake and hers, Kaz turned his head to avoid staring as she shimmied out of the bloodied fabric. 

She sat on the edge of the bed and poked around for any bullet fragments, the muscles in her thigh tensing, the dried blood on her skin looking black. Inej was just as strong as ever; all her limbs built of corded muscle coated in the lithe grace of an acrobat, just as he remembered. Despite his better judgement, Kaz took a long look at her. 

It’s shame that eats men whole. He could feel it gnawing at him as he attempted to push away the image of her bare thighs against his sheets. 

“Kaz, can you-?” She nodded to the scissors, her hands stuck at an awkward angle around her leg, the apprehension on her face clear. 

He picked them up and took a deep breath before sitting down beside her. When he leaned over, he was careful not to touch her. Her breath stirred the hair on the back of his neck. One turn of his head and their lips would have been inches apart. This reminded him far too much of the hotel washroom; he only hoped it would end better. 

Kaz cut the bandage gently, taking the end from her and tying it, his knuckles grazing against her skin. Panic hit him before anything else, afraid he had overstepped. It took him a moment to realize there was no revulsion roiling through him. 

“Inej-”

“It’s alright… Thank you.”

He nodded, grabbing what was left of the bandages and the shears and placing them on top of his dresser. Then he opened one of his drawers, rummaging through the mess of clothes until he found what he had been looking for. 

Kaz handed her a pair of cotton sleep trousers. “I can’t imagine yours are salvageable.”

Inej smiled, sliding them over her legs. They were huge on her. And though they hadn’t discussed her sleeping arrangements for the evening, it appeared she would be staying there. 

He sat back down, staring at his bare hands; the hands that had just graced her without trouble or hesitation. She reached over, threading her fingers through his, and studied him, watching for the shift. But it never came. 

“Will you lay with me?”

At that, he looked up. 

In front of him was a girl who deserved so much more than Dirtyhands. A girl who made the sea cower and made the sun look dull. A girl who could have done anything she wished in life with ease and grace. And yet- she was sat in his bed, holding his hand, and patiently waiting for the semblances of affection he could provide. 

Kaz felt himself nod. 

She pushed herself back until she was against the wooden headboard. They both moved slowly, carefully placing their limbs so there was no overlap. 

Then, he was laying beside her; both of their heads turned to study each other.

“Thank you.” Inej’s voice nearly a whisper. 

The minutes stretched into hours, and Kaz lay listening to her breathing. I will have you without armor. 

Well after twelve bells, the cadence of sleep seemed to grab hold of him, weighing heavy on his body. As his eyes drifted shut, he hoped that there would be more nights like this: nights with Inej close by his side and stillness in his mind. 

He reached for her hand in the dark and promised he would not let go come morning. He would never let go of her again.