#silly little goat boy man <3

[heir-of-the-chair]

Been hyperfixating hard on the Hatchetfield series this past week and I’m glad to see the entire hatchetverse fandom is just as autistic about Tinky as I am

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

ohhhh my god mac. mac. part 2 of the cullen games. that was SO GOOD. i knew it wouldn't be that easy to kill edward bro i KNEW it couldn't be the real edward in the arena but god it was so satisfying just for a second to think that maybe he was dead. man. this campaign is everything. one minute arthur was agonizing over his own humanity and about to kill a woman and the next he was throwing it back on a tree branch. supermassive black hole playing in the background while arthur played vampire baseball. the boogie bombs. what the fuck was that <3

and OH MY GOD THEO WITH THE INSANE ROLLS????? BRO JUST DIDN'T DIE??????? WHAT THE FUCK????? CHARLIE'S DICE WERE BLESSED BY GOD OR SOMETHING THEO JUST DID NOT DIE. THAT'S MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!! also I Understand his true faith thing. i get it now. i'm losing my mind over it. fellas is it gay to have such devotion and complete and utter faith in your best friend of all time to the point where you are literally immune to vampiric mind control?????? fellas???? is this gay???? is it??? who knows. thats INSANE though dude i so thought emizel and theo would have to try killing each other but theo just went "nope <3" and it was so fucking epic oh my god. theo is the GOAT!!!! FR!!!!!!

and arthur oughghgh arthur slowly losing more and more humanity by consuming these other vampires. what if i exploded. HIS WINGS BRO. HIS WINGS WERE SO SICK. THAT WAS THE SICKEST THING EVER. OH MY GOD. AND THE SNIPER RIFLE WAS ALSO PRETTY SICK NGL. god im obsessed with arthur he's literally such a mary sue character and i love that for grizzly actually. arthur just kept getting more and more cool and angsty throughout the campaign. i love me a man with cool wings who is also riddled with guilt and struggles to keep hold of his humanity <3

SHILO........ THE FUCKING. GUY OF ALL TIME ACTUALLY. ugh. dude. lemme tell u i went insane when charlie told bizly to remove shilo's innocence specialty after turning "edward" ugly. fucked up oh my goddd i love shilo fucked up moments <3 i love when shilo is fucked up and also loses all his innocence <3 also FUCK YOU BIZLY FOR DESCRIBING BEN'S LAST MEMORY. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE. WHAT THE FUCK. BIZLY WHEN I GET YOU. oh i am so so scared of what he will do as the dm for prime defenders. mac im scared. if he can make me almost cry with one (1) fucked up little guy i am TERRIFIED of what he can do guiding a whole story

EMIZEL MY BABYGIRL <3 he is my everything. my right hand arm. man. my confidant. my silly rabbit <3 THE LIL NOTE HE LEFT IN HIS OWN ASHESSSSSSSS BROOOOOOOO losing my mind im going to be thinking about that forever and ever. my favourite part was him sucking gabriel to death <3 i love those two and their homoerotic fights. i know gabriel is dead but how fucking funny would it be if he somehow came back next season just to fuck with emizel. i would love that so much. also theo is totally still alive trust me he is going to find emizel and they are going to kiss next season. trust me charlie slimecicle told me himself 👍

man. that was SO FUCKING GOOD. god. im excited im so so excited for if/when another suckening season comes out. i love these guys!!!!!! i want them back ASAP i miss them already!!!! i do like emizel and arthur but tbh shilo reallyyyyy really grew on me. innocent lil guy who gets his entire worldview turned upside down and then does extremely fucked up things and loses some of his humanity along the way but still has so so much love in him and will continue loving and caring despite how shitty the world is. what if i exploded and died right now i fucking love shilo bathroy so much i am putting him in a microwave in my mind and spinning him around i am throwing him against a wall so he makes a loud thud like a sopping wet beanie baby full of milk i am grabbing him in my teeth and flailing him around like a chew toy <3

OK. WONDERFUL. prime defenders next 👍 im so ready i am sure there will be no heartbreaking storylines and no angst and people will not die and it will be a good happy fun time for everyone!!!!!!

DUUUUUDE THE FUCKING. THEOS ROLLS WERE SO INCREDIBLE . BECAUSE THERE IS A RUNNING JOKE ACROSS EVERY SINGLE JRWI CAMPAIGN. THAT CHARLIE SLIMECICLE IS FUCKING CURSED . HIS ROLLS ARE ALWAYS SO FUCKING BAD AND KNOWING THIS GOING INTO THE THEO FIGHT I WAS SO FUCKING STRESSED DUDE. I WAS SO STRESSED. I WAS LIKE FUCK MAN CHSRLIE IS ROLLING FOR HIM HES GONNA DIE HERE. AND THAT SCENE WENT ON FOR SO FUCKING LONG . GOOD GOD. I love you theo soda i love you so dearly. ugahbhhhh. also yeah fellas it's totally fucking gay. they did a qna after the last ep and talk about the true faith thing and how it works mechanically and jonesy and i left matching comments on it that looked like this:

dude yeah arthurs whole.diablerie arc was so fucked up. he lost so much of his humanity at the midnight circle. god. broke ass ugly vampire still manages to be the coolest fucking guy ever. the curse of being a grizzly pc.

DUDE THE FUCKING. "I NEED YOU TO REMOVE YOUR INNOCENCE SPECIALYY" THAT GOT ME SO BAD. SHILOOOOO I LOVE YOU SHILO D:

also there is totally 100% a way gabriel can come back next season because IN THE FUCKING. DEFINITION FOR DIABLERIE IN THE HANDBOOK it says . when you do that theres a chance for the soul of the vampire you killed to stick around and haunt your ass. I need this to happen

I also love shilo so much i think if I had 2 pick a favorite it would be him. i just. he makes me so sad. he's my fucked up little prince I love him so much :( he's never gonna get to go home again dude. hhughghghhghh :((((

[foster-the-moths]

u have some awesome dreams . give me them👁️ njkhdcjd actually tho of the three i remember u sharing it's interestign that all three involved you being some sort of whimsical creature (i'm counting altsar as a whimsical little beast he's very silly and fun to m e)

WOOO YEAH i love talking about my dreams they are so Strange um putting all of these under the readmore bc. they are so fucked up sometimes SJFLDJFLJSJF these ones are more horror oriented bc those are some of my favorite ones. i am just listing 4 for now, because this post got very long. i can post more of them later maybe. i have a LOT more but these are just semi-recent ones i can access easily.

warning for descriptions of body horror, gore, injury, death, and parasites (big maggot) and images of body horror and parasites.

1: had a dream a was a little victorian boy (like 3 or something) on vacation with my family and we were on a train but oops!!! we got on the demon train by accident. the conductor surgically removed all of the skin off my face, taxidermied it, sewed it back on, and then sent me to a shadow mirror realm for 18 years. i got back to the Real realm and it turns out it had only been 3 years for my family; but they had still all been distorted beyond recognition and made into worse versions of themselves. my father had turned into a weird goat man, my mother resembled a deep sea fish, and i couldn't remember what happened to my sister or brother. they also didn't recognize me because i had aged 18 years. the rest of the dream was me trying to reverse their transformations.

2: had another one in which i was trapped in an extra-dimensional liminal space that changed and grew as i explored it. It had video game physics which is always fun. when i walked there was view-bobbing and my hands were always visible in front of me, like a first person shooter. i could also sprint jump and b-hop and side sprint and stuff like that. there were also small creatures that latched onto me and tried to kill me, but my hands were extremely lethal (they caused instant burning pain to whatever they touched, and if i pressed my hands against a living thing it would 'melt') so i was able to fend them off. this meant i was basically unbeatable, but could still be hurt.

^this is vaguely what i looked like. i could only see my hands but i'm pretty sure the rest of me wasn't 100% human. i'll draw something better later maybe.

3. a more tame one i had recently was i got trapped in a fantasy video game by accident and ended up in a village that used pinecones as currency. so i had to grow pine trees. and then this other guy started growing saplings on MY farm plot and i was PISSED. he showed me his farming techniques though so i let him stay. time passed very quickly, each hour was a new season, so four hours was a 'year'. i did not realize the implications of this until about two weeks (about 80 'years') had passed. the npc villagers started aging and disappearing and the guy who i planted trees with turned to face me and his face was rotting away. he told me i took too long.

4. less tame one. I had a giant maggot parasite that replaced all of my organs and it tried to control me via telepathic mind battle?? but. i won the telepathic mind battle. so now i WAS the maggot. and i was piloting my own body with weird nerve things and instead of organs there was just a giant maggot in my abdomen but i WAS the maggot and i could feel myself inside of myself. it was like if you could feel your organs against the inside of your skin. incredibly unpleasant sensation. i had to hide the fact that i was a maggot because usually the maggot wins the psychic mind battle and kills people so if my doctors found out i had a maggot parasite in me they would kill me.

^diagram of parasite in the body. the red is the 'nerves' used to control the body. the brain of the host and parasite become merged, which is how i 'became' the maggot. the maggot could also like. climb up the throat and peek its head out of the host's mouth to maul people with its fangs.

[mothermara]

@gaybuzzwole tagged me in a thing (posting 5 songs that remind you of ocs/wips) epic swag. here is me doing said thing <3

Spent Gladiator 2 by The Mountain Goats - Varyn Light-Bringer. Varyn is technically my Vestige, but I don't have enough room on my computer for ESO so her story exists solely in my Minds Eye. But she's a former gladiator who got caught & sacrificed by Mannimarco while attempting to check the Arcane University for her girl bestie, Lythras.

I'm a Marionette by ABBA - Bartalomewl my beloved little boy... He's a kid who got brought into the Dark Brotherhood at a very, very young age. Despite this, he never really gets into the murdering spirit, and finds most of the DB questline just kinda exhausting, scary and traumatizing. He's also a little jester about it.

The Last Shanty by Derina Harvey Band - Rasara. This version of the song in particular reminds me a lot of her <3 the vocals are really powerful imo. Rasara is my HOK/Madgod, also a legendary pirate queen.

Love Came Along by Pansy Division - Maces. I shant elaborate.

Nerevar Rising/Call of Magic (Surf Version) by All in All - Nemesianus "Neht" Jirich, the man the myth the legend. He's my nerevarine, a surfer from Anvil, raised in the temple of Dibella. He's silly and loving, but also very strategic. Surf music OUHHGHH

tagging my beloved @scrib-jelly MWAAAAH

[speedierthanasubmarine]

My list of least favorite to favorite Batman actors:

Note: I’m a random person on the Internet, and my opinion should not affect you to the point of rudeness, harsh comments, or any sort of discourse whatsoever. I never say DNI, because you can interact with whoever you want, I’m not your mom, but if you want to start an argument…

DNI.

Also, I am an idiot and I’m aware of that, please don’t judge me.

Lastly, I’m excluding Kevin Conroy from the list because all his works vary, I either love his voice or I hate his voice, there is no in between. (Note: this was in my drafts for a very long while, during which Mr. Conroy had passed away. RIP Mr. Conroy.)

Without further ado: My Batman actor list:

9. Adam West- I personally didn’t enjoy his Batman… the whole vibe was too old and silly looking for me, but if I’d been alive at the time it came out I think I would’ve enjoyed it. It’s like the way my little siblings feel about the original yugioh series.

8. Battinson (Robert Pattinson)- I have a whole speech for this but I’ll try to be brief. Batman is the second smartest character in the DC universe (after Lex Luthor, a fact I think is still up for debate.) and the second best in hand to hand combat (after Lady Shiva which is not up for debate, I totally get that.) He can toss a man across a room with one hand, aim a gun without looking and grapple across cities supporting himself and all his body weight and muscle mass with one arm. He can learn a person’s tells, weaknesses, and inner natures after a few moments of conversation. Guy is a freakin BEAST of a man. Battinson gave me Walmart edition Tim Drake Batman from battle of the cowl vibes. He was like the brown ninja from Lego ninjago. (I don’t know if that guy went on to become great or something, all I know is that when I stopped watching the show he was a liability at best.) He didn’t feel like batman, or at least any batman I knew and liked to see. I don’t know if they were going for like, detective comics batman, but even then I felt like he fell flat and did a poor job. That’s my opinion and that’s that.

7/6/5. (Totally equal.) George Clooney, Val Kilmer, and Michael Keaton- Movies were fine, they weren’t anything special for me in terms of acting, no issues, no highlights.

4. Batfleck (Ben Affleck)- LISTEN I know his movies sucked, I’m not defending those, however he did a great job of playing the white knight, future state, urban legends, Injustice, Heroes in crisis, Doomsday clock, basically any elseworld Batman I ever read and liked- he pulled off the vibes. The paranoia, the desperation, the determination- he did those very well. He was the best BRUCE WAYNE. His Batman performance was eh, nothing special, weird suit, but his Bruce performance? Phenomenal. Especially when he had to be Bruce, party boy Brucie, shaking hands, “I bought the bank” Bruce, and then when he was “even a 1% chance” contingency, decoding files, nightmare having Bruce, and when he was working out, investigating, preparing Bruce. He did them all justice (pun intended.) better than pretty much everyone else. (UPDATE) I just remembered this list is for Batman actors, not Bruce, so I’d put him at 7, maybe 6. I’d change the list, but I’m lazy. (I also wrote the word Bruce so many times the word has lost all meaning.)

3. Jason O’mara- I thought he was great. I loved his voice, it was basically perfect. 10/10 Nothing more, nothing less.

2. Christian Bale- Absolutely amazing. Amazing Batman, fantastic Bruce, really cool detective, awesome everything. Only thing I’d change, and this is super petty, is just that in terms of aesthetics I’d want him to be thicker, I thought he was very lean, and the suit would just be upgraded to like 2022 quality, little more updated/sleek, yknow? But that’s not even a real critique, just a thought. I loved him, absolutely phenomenal.

And finally.

The moment we’ve all been waiting for.

The GOAT.

NUMERO UNO: MR. WILL ARNETT.

ALL OTHER BATMAN ADAPTATIONS ARE DOWNRIGHT MID WHEN COMPARED TO THIS GOD

Thanks for reading.

[iemondropsss]

I posted 11,251 times in 2022

That's 5,169 more posts than 2021!

63 posts created (1%)

11,188 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@wizardpotions

@sappho-ilmarinen

@snorfbin

@laecandraw

@dingdongyouarewrong

I tagged 1,584 of my posts in 2022

#slug posting - 63 posts

#the sandman - 30 posts

#dreamling - 29 posts

#arcane - 23 posts

#cave idus martii - 21 posts

#goncharov - 19 posts

#yes - 17 posts

#sandman - 13 posts

#exactly - 12 posts

#true - 11 posts

Longest Tag: 132 characters

#was somebody going to tell me that rob paulsen voices bobble from tinker bell or was i supposed to find that out in prev tags myself

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

23 notes - Posted May 30, 2022

#4

tagged by @fungimoth

Rules: Write out the letters of your under name using song titles!

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel

(Line Without a Hook - Ricky Montgomery)

Everybody Talks - Neon Trees

Mx. Sinister - idkHOW

Out of My League - The Walker

No Children - Mountain Goats

Diamond Day - Vashti Bunyan

Rhinestone Eyes - Gorillaz

Our Hextech Dream - Arcane (lmaooo)

People Say - Portugal the Man

Soldier Poet King - Oh Hellos

still feel - half alive

@sappho-ilmarinen @floryeet @xanzusx

25 notes - Posted May 7, 2022

#3

So I (M17) was reading over the yearly letter my best friend (M17) sends me before heading off on his own for the Winter. I had just been on a grand expedition myself just the Winter prior, and this time I was feeling particularly… yearny…. I don’t know. Anyway, so I packed up my boots and just a few commodities in my backpack and set off the the dangerous mountain scape that seals off my hometown from most of society. I traveled for days, so much so icicles formed on my face. By the time I finally scaled these thousand meter rocks I found the place my friend hermits during the season. It was a real cozy cave, and he had a fire going. Boy was he surprised to see me haha. So anyway he let me make myself at home and all was well but just as I thought we were getting to be comfortable together like we usually are in the Spring, he started to get all mad at me!! He pushed me away and thought we were better off apart :( Gods, I know he’s right, it was his personal time and I invaded it, even if I did miss him. But I’m a stubborn bastard so I went and found my own cave and started a fire (very cleverly) without him. But I may have gotten a little frustrated with the process (what are you supposed to do with dried beans?!!) and he came to save me, even though we were supposed to be fighting. But then!!!! He fell!!! That beautiful son of a bitch nearly became a snowball. Luckily he found a ledge, and I tried to find a rope to save him but got stuck too, whoops! 😅 but then we had a heart to heart in this blizzard… he told me he missed me too. Maybe it’s silly but at that moment my heart was hattifattener seeds and he was the moon. I really did think he was going to confess his love then—but my mom saved us from the cliff in the end, and I went home. I don’t know. Looking back I feel like such an asshole. I know the Winter is the time we need apart. And I intruded on the place he goes to be just himself. I just missed him, I dunno. AITA?

Edit: I got another letter from him. Delivered by some squirrel, isn’t that funny? He told me to meet him up there again. We saw the Northern Lights. They were beautiful.

49 notes - Posted March 24, 2022

#2

1,457 notes - Posted March 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

45,964 notes - Posted March 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[hornet-breaker]

Emotional Support Goat

Ranboo constantly has panic attacks and is exetremely shy. His parents are worried for him so they get him an emotional support human, a little bee goat should help calm his nerves, and cause unwarranted chaos >:3

“Are you excited to meet your new friend?” Ranboo’s mom asked, holding his hand as they walked to the pet shop. Ranboo nodded quietly, clutching his memory book. The young Titan was prone to panic attacks and was scared of a lot of things, as if he were a human. The therapist said an emotional support animal would help him greatly, especially a human. “Okay Boo, go look around while Mommy talks with the shop keeper over there.”

She let go of Ranboo’s hand and walked away. Ranboo felt like he was going to panic. Right, focus, picking out a creature to help you get through trauma. Ranboo perused the rows of terrariums, there were some in bird cages, some in fish tanks with gorgeous fins. The land dwellers though were what he really needed. He browsed through the aisle, looking at each one hoping they might look back.

He walked up to the cage with a little goat bee child, a child like him! He made a little grunt and the child looked at him, curiously getting up and walking towards him. This was the one. Ranboo’s eyes lit up with excitement as his tail wagged. He couldn’t really speak well (he didn’t want to at all,) so he made a sort of chirp to get his mother’s attention.

“Is this the one you want Boo?” She asked gently. The human child backed away at the sight of her. Ranboo nodded, making grabby hands.

“Are you sure you want this one? He’s been returned 3 times now,” the shop keeper said. The little goat boy shrank away with shame. Ranboo felt sorry for the little guy, but he wanted to give him a shot. Ranboo pointed to the little goat man again,

“Do you have any other humans around his age?“ Ranboo‘s mom asked. The shop keep shook his head. “The next closest is a 14 year old who has a serious and bizarre medical condition. We keep her in the back, poor thing is barely alive and barely dead.” The shop keeper said.

Ranboo made a whining noise, tugging on his mom’s blazer.

“How much?” She asked. Ranboo made a happy noise that sounded like a meow.

“Normally our children humans are sold at 1 thousand credits, but since this is an emotional support animal, I’ll sell him for 500 credits with a free harness and tag.” The shop keeper said.

Ranboo forgot why he was here already but seeing the little goat boy made him the happiest he’s probably been for a while. The the shop keeper gently scooped the goat boy out and some small bags from the enclosure and was about to put the goat boy in a box.

“Carry!” Ranboo chirped. His mother looked surprised, normally Ranboo liked to stay quiet while out in town. The shop keeper blinked a few times but then walked towards Ranboo, the child wanted to hold his new friend and not carry him out, thank you very much.

Ranboo held his hands out and the little boy was slid into his hands. Ranboo smiled gently and curled his fingers to protect the child. He giggled happily, friend acquired!

Ranboo’s mom smiled and paid for the human, taking Ranboo’s hand and walking out of the store. They walked to the car and Ranboo was situated into his car seat, still holding the goat boy.

“U-um,” the little goat boy started. “Why did you pick me?”

“Friend,” Ranboo said.

“I see that, but why?” The goat boy asked again.

“Need friends,” Ranboo said somberly.

“If I am allowed to intervene, my son Ranboo is very scared of new people and doesn’t like to talk. We were told a human might help him be more social so we decided to go and adopt one.” His mother said kindly.

“So you aren’t going to eat me?” The goat asked.

Ranboo grimaced, sticking his tongue out in disgust making the goat boy giggle.

“You’re silly,” he commented. Ranboo smiled, hugging his little friend. He made a happy purr, rubbing the tiny’s back gently with his thumb. “My name is Tubbo by the way,” the small boy said.

“Hello, Tubbo,” Ranboo purred, trying the name on his tongue.

When they got home Ranboo ran up the stairs to his room. He couldn’t wait to play with his new friend! He opened the door and got onto his bed, gently putting Tubbo down.

“Woah, is this your room?” He asked. Ranboo nodded. “Cool! Is that an rc?”

Tubbo looked at the bookshelf and saw an rc car at the top. Unfortunately Ranboo could not reach it. His father put it there after he had nearly tripped over it.

“Well what do you want to do Ranboo?” Tubbo asked. He was curious to see what the black and white furred child would do. Ranboo went to grab a board game, it was a game called Risk.

“A board game? I can’t read though,” Tubbo said. Ranboo’s ears perked as he walked back to the bed and offered Tubbo his hand. Tubbo flinched thinking he was going to be grabbed but saw Ranboo was waiting for him to climb on. Tubbo climbs on and Ranboo carries him and the game downstairs.

His mom was in the kitchen making dinner. He gave another grunt for attention.

“In a minute son, mommy’s making dinner.” She said gently. Ranboo frowned with disappointment and carried the board game to the living room. He pointed to the remote asking if Tubbo wanted to watch tv.

“Ooh, yeah can we watch SpongeBob?” Tubbo chirped.

Eventually Ranboo’s mom came to check on the boys and saw they were both sleeping on the couch with some cartoons in the background. She smiled softly and let them sleep. Afterall Dinner would be ready in about 20 minutes.

(I dunno how good I did but I did it!)

[flowercrown-bard]

Started out rocky, now they’re both cocky

(Part 3 of the rooster!Jaskier series, but it’s not necessary to read the other parts. All you need to know is that Jaskier is a rooster and he’s here to cause chaos)

word count: 3378

content warnings: innuendos, use of the word “cock”

part 1  part 2

AO3 (here Jaskier is called Dandelion, bc I think this has more game!Danelion vibes)

Jaskier had often imagined what it would be like to spend the winter at Kaer Morhen. In his mind, there had been no doubt that he would sweep into a deep bow, announcing his presence to the witchers residing there with a confident grin and eloquent words.

Alas. As fate – or, in this case a very insistent Geralt – would have it, Jaskier was unable to do either of these things. His words had been replaced by crowing, charming someone with a smile was most definitely impossible if one had a beak and an ugly lappet beneath one’s chin. And as for sweeping into a low bow – well, it would look rather silly if a rooster were to bow and he was beneath making an idiot of himself. That’s what Valdo Marx was for and he would not lower himself to that imbecile’s standards.

A less obvious, though no less important reason why Jaskier was not going to present himself the way he normally would have, was simple: To do so, he’d have to stop letting Geralt carry him. Though, now that he thought about it, he wasn’t so certain anymore, whether Geralt was carrying him because why wouldn’t he carry his dearest friend? Or if he did it so he could have a hold on Jaskier and prevent him from running away and wreaking havoc again.

Which was, of course, preposterous and also rather hypocritical of him. After all, the whole reason why Jaskier was here in the first place – and in this undignified form at that – was so he could fulfil Geralt’s wishes and use his unique talents and talons to destroy the room of one of Geralt’s brothers, a task that he was more than willing to take upon himself.

Still, it would have been much appreciated if Geralt had made sure that the other witchers welcomed him as well, or at the very least knew who he was, instead of ignoring him mostly while they greeted Geralt. Truly, it was a marvel that the witcher who welcomed Geralt at the gate didn’t pay any special attention to Jaskier. Not that he needed the attention per se, but it would have been nice and, well, there was a reason why he wasn’t used to people ignoring him. He was a delight! And no one could tell him that the sight of Geralt warming his hands by burying them in the feathers of an exceptionally beautiful and sophisticated rooster wasn’t a sight worth being paid attention to.  

Filled with righteous indignation, Jaskier fluttered his wings and pecked a little at Geralt’s fingers, when he had been ignoring Jaskier way too long – not that any amount of ignoring Jaskier would have been acceptable - in favour of talking to the fetching witcher wearing red leather. Eskel, if Jaskier wasn’t mistaken, and as everyone knew, he was never mistaken.

The action earned him a small tightening of Geralt’s arms around him that had him squawking indignantly, but at least, Eskel now looked at him. Jaskier did his best to preen and exude an air of sophistication. For a blissful moment it seemed that he had indeed thoroughly charmed the witcher. Eskel’s face lit up, he reached out and –

“Sir!”  Jaskier tried to shout, but his voice contorted his outraged outcry to a crow.

How- the audacity of – what did Eskel think gave him the permission to just pet Jaskier as if he was but an animal? Oh, how dare he…

Oh. Oh. No, actually, it was quite a nice sensation having strong hands caress his head and down his feathered back as gently as a lovesick poet would run their fingers over a flower. Quite nice indeed. He could get used to this.

To his shame – but really, who could fault a bard for seeking a little innocent pleasure in being touched by a handsome man? – Jaskier leaned into the touch. Thank all the gods that he hadn’t been turned into a cat, or else he might have had to suffer the indignity of starting to purr under the well-deserved attention.

For a brief, blissful moment, all was perfect. Until -

“He will get along well with Lil’ Bleater,” Eskel said. “You think we can put them into the stable together?”

And that was just – no! Oh no no, dear witcher. A pretty face and a soft touch would not be enough to save him from Jaskier ‘s outrage.

Expectantly, Jaskier turned his head to Geralt, his most beloved friend, the man who had rescued him countless times from the clutches of those who meant him or his reputation harm. Surely, now would be the perfect time for Geralt to come to his aid once more and defend his honour. Certainly he would –

“Hmm.”

Oh that bastard! This was no disagreeing or scolding hum. This hmm, accompanied by a sly smirk and a mischievous twinkle in Geralt’s eyes was very decidedly not the support that Jaskier was looking for.

Jaskier nipped Geralt’s fingers again, but that only served to make the witcher grin even wider. Together with Eskel, Geralt walked through the gate and towards the entrance hall, giving Jaskier a shit-eating grin when they passed the stables and making a comment about how in there, no one would hear the rooster’s morning crow.

He better just be teasing. As tasteless of a joke as this was, Jaskier might find it in himself to forgive Geralt for the threat of making him sleep in a stable with a goat.

As they walked, Geralt kept petting him absentmindedly, which was admittedly nice. Jaskier could live with being used as a glorified hand-warmer, if it came with the luxury of being carried around and getting pressed against a strong man’s chest.

Even better than that, though, was the look the old witcher, who Geralt greeted with the name Vesemir, gave Geralt, when they met him in the great hall. The way his eyes wandered from Geralt’s face down to where he was stroking his rooster marked him as a man who had lost all faith in Geralt.

A younger witcher with slicked back hair, who must be the infamous Lambert, the very reason why Jaskier was here, snickered behind Vesemir’s back.

“Looks like I’m officially the superior brother now,” he said with a grin. “The only one whose best friend isn’t a farm animal.”

“Your best friend is a cat,” Geralt deadpanned.

“A handsome cat that would claw your pretty face off if he heard you taking shit about me.”

Lambert’s grin looked infuriatingly smug. Jaskier didn’t know this cat they were speaking of, but one thing should never be questioned: He was the farm best animal friend. Even if he wasn’t really an animal or – he shuddered at the thought – living on a farm. But how dare Lambert imply that a cat could be better than a rooster? He gave Lambert his best menacing glare, which fell rather flat, considering he was a damned bird, currently snuggling against Geralt.

As was to be expected, which didn’t mean Jaskier didn’t take offence to it, Lambert ignored him. “What’s his name anyway? I sure hope it’s not Roach.”

If he had been able to snicker, Jaskier would have done so. Lambert might be a cock – oh, who was Jaskier to judge such a thing? – but it was nice to see that the bard wasn’t the only one who would relentlessly tease Geralt for his inability to come up with good names.

“Eskel has his Little Bleater,” Lambert added, his grin turning downright devious. “So, pretty boy, you have…a Little Cock?”

Little? Little?

The gall of that man! Jaskier was anything but small, thank you very much. But then again, Jaskier couldn’t shame a man for showing such a great understanding of wordplay, especially when he used his talents to tease Geralt.

Oh, who was he kidding? He liked Lambert.

Between his unexpected appreciation for the youngest witcher and the urge to make himself seem bigger than he was, Jaskier nearly missed Geralt’s answer. It was exactly the sort of reply one would expect. Except…Geralt did not correct Lambert regarding the fact that Jaskier was an animal.

Now, here’s the thing. Jaskier loved his witcher with all his heart. Geralt was his best friend in the whole wide world and he would never exchange him for anyone, as much of a smug bastard as he could sometimes be. But by the gods, why oh why, did Jaskier ‘s best friend have to be a man who didn’t have the presence of mind to just, oh, I don’t know, tell his family that the rooster he was bringing with him was a cursed human? There was no doubt that Geralt had told his brothers and father of Jaskier before, for how could he not? Jaskier was a great subject to talk about. Surely, Geralt couldn’t be worried about them not accepting him in their midst.

A quick glance at him – Jaskier preferred not to think about how strange a rooster turning his head nearly upside down and giving a stink eye must look – made it quite clear that he was, in fact, not worried at all. Instead, Geralt was up to something.

Jaskier glared at him, as if staring might let him read Geralt’s thoughts, provided Geralt knew how to use his mind to think.

Perhaps his plan was to give Jaskier the best possible way to get attention by only introducing him once he was back in his dashing human form? Oh, that would be marvellous! After all, if there was one thing Jaskier was good at – well, there were numerous things, of course, but we shall ignore that for the sake of the dramatic – it was making an impression. He had to commend his friend for being so thoughtful as to grant him such an opportunity, unless…

Oh, Jaskier knew that look on Geralt’s face. He was having far too much fun with this. A suspicious amount of fun even. It would almost make one think that all this had never been solely about Lambert’s room at all. If Jaskier hadn’t known any better, he might even be inclined to think that Geralt was taking delight in letting Jaskier stay cursed.

Well. If that was the case, Jaskier would make sure that Geralt would delight not much longer in that.

He let out an ear-piercing shriek that had Geralt flinch and unfortunately squeeze him a little uncomfortably.

“What’s wrong, Jaskier?” He asked, as if he didn’t know fully well the magnitude of what he was doing.

Before Jaskier could answer, well, whatever equivalent of answering he could do in this form at any rate, Lambert spoke up again.

“Jaskier?” He cooed. “How sweet. You miss your bard so much that you call your rooster by his name? Who would have thought the White Wolf could be so soft-hearted. Watch out or Roach will get jealous if she learns that you found a new love.”

“Lambert,” Geralt growled, though whether he was defending his own reputation as a stoic, brooding loner – ha! As if anyone could look at him and believe him to be such a thing! – or if he was outraged at the thought that anyone could take Roach’s place in his heart, Jaskier couldn’t tell. It was likely a mixture of both.

“Oh, so you don’t miss your bard?” Lambert lifted an eyebrow. “Is it perhaps just a certain bodypart of his that you miss? I guess then it would make sense why you gave his name to the cock.”

Lambert turned away from Geralt before he could come up with a reply, but before he had his back fully to Geralt, Lambert caught Jaskier’s eye and he winked.

Oh. Oh ho ho, he knew. That sly bastard. Evidently, Lambert was the only witcher who knew how to use his brain and seen through the curse and Geralt’s admittedly poor attempt at making it seem as if the extraordinary and overall splendid rooster was but a normal bird and now Lambert was fucking with Geralt.

And – now, listen. Jaskier had been looking forward to destroying Lambert’s room. There was nothing like joining forces with a friend to mess with someone who annoyed them. Well, the biggest pleasure Jaskier knew came from proving once again that he was more talented than Valdo Marx, but that was a given, so it shall not be mentioned further. The point was that Jaskier would have done as Geralt had asked of him.

But now, with this new knowledge that Lambert apparently shared the same ambition as Jaskier to become the biggest nuisance he could be, he couldn’t possibly work against him. Jaskier could recognise a kindred spirit if he saw one. Reading people and recognising his own greatness in others was one of his countless talents. The last and perhaps only time he had met such a kindred soul before, had been in his first year at Oxenfurt at the admission exam, when Valdo Marx had immediately singled out Jaskier as the one who could be the biggest threat to his career. As loathe as Jaskier was to admit it, he too had recognised a certain talent in the other bard and they had both decided to make it their lives’ mission to not let the other top them.

Jaskier had not regretted that decision a moment in his life, but even he had to admit that said rivalry was the reason why he was now a rooster and delightful as that could be, he could have done well without it.

So, he would not make the mistake of antagonizing a congenial person again. At least not know. Who was to say what the future held? The important part was, that for now, for once in his life, Jaskier was going to be the bigger person.

He waited until the moment was right, a feat greater than any he had ever faced before. As virtuous as he was, being patient was not one of Jaskier’s strong suits. Still, once night had fallen and Geralt had thankfully not made true of his promise to put him in the stables, he snuck out of Geralt’s room, searching for Lambert’s instead.

Lambert, of course, was already waiting for him, a cocky smile on his face and his arms crossed in a way that meant business.

He greeted Jaskier with the fateful words “You gonna help me mess with Geralt?” and obviously, there was only one possible answer to that.

It was thrilling having an ally in his mission to create chaos and take revenge on those that had slighted him. And, oh, how Geralt had slighted him!

The first step of their however-many-steps-they-would-get-away-with-plan was simple: Jaskier was supposed to take a nap. In Geralt’s bed. Specifically, in his hair, creating a nest out of it.

Now, Jaskier was no craftsman for any craft that didn’t involve the spoken word, but he did so love to make himself comfortable. So that was what he did. Snuggling into Geralt’s hair and masterfully rearranging the strands with his beak until they could well and truly be considered a mess.

And then, as always, Jaskier woke Geralt up in his new favourite way. One would have thought that Geralt would have gotten used to Jaskier crowing into his ear at the top of his lungs. But no. Geralt grimaced and grabbed his pillow to throw it at his tragically underappreciated companion. The feathers flying through the room were not only those from the pillow.

So naturally, Jaskier started complaining. Loudly. Loud enough to, as a completely arbitrary example, signal a different witcher whose room was down the hallway that their plan was in motion.

Before Geralt could find another pillow to throw at him, Jaskier grabbed Geralt’s breeches that the witcher had unceremoniously dropped to the floor the past night and dragged them towards the door.

Cursing, Geralt chased after him, wearing nothing but his underthings. Had Jaskier been alone, he would have gotten caught, no doubt, but the door flung open just in time for him to dash through and just before Geralt could reach him, Lambert, who had been lying in wait, scooped Jaskier up and ran down the stairs and outside, cackling like a hen, while Jaskier let out a triumphant crow that was somewhat muffled by the breeches still firmly held in his beak.

Geralt was catching up to them quickly, but Lambert and Jaskier had one rather obvious advantage: There were two of them.

Lambert dropped Jaskier unceremoniously, leaving him to flutter his wings to land somewhat elegantly – oh, who was he kidding? He plummeted to the ground like a stone - and they dashed into two different directions. For a precious moment, Geralt stood there frozen to the spot, surely contemplating which menace would be able to cause the greater chaos, if he didn’t catch him: The rooster with a godcomplex or Geralt’s little brother in possession of opposable thumbs.

Geralt, once more was forced to choose the lesser evil, but here is the thing: As it was so often the case, there was no correct choice to make.

While Lambert ran back to Geralt’s room to cause who knew what chaos, Jaskier ran towards the stables, and be it only for the dramatic irony.

Geralt must have chosen to follow Lambert and Jaskier was almost insulted, but it gave him the chance to take his time, pushing open the door to the stables and dragging the breeches inside. Just a little revenge for all the times that Geralt had made fun of Jaskier when he had been forced to run out of town without his breeches, since they had to be left in a lover’s rooms.

He dropped the breeches in Lil’ Bleater’s corner and watched with smug satisfaction as the goat immediately began munching on the breeches happily. Jaskier gave her a proud look and had they both been human, he would have kissed her hand in thanks. As it was, he was rather fond of his beak and he would not risk hurting it by kissing the goat’s hooves. Still, Lil’ Bleater lived up to her name, giving a happy little bleat that Jaskier chose to interpret as thanks for the delicious meal. How polite of her.

Who knew. Maybe they would become friends after all.

From somewhere in the keep, Jaskier could hear a bang and then a shout of disgust and had he been in possession of his luscious lips, would have made them split into the biggest, most self-satisfied grin, when Geralt’s voice continued cursing loud enough to be heard even where Jaskier was. To be fair, Geralt had probably opened the windows of his room. At least that was what Jaskier would have done in his stead to escape what Lambert had done to his room.

Well. Served Geralt right. No one could accuse Lambert of unoriginality and Jaskier was nothing if not petty.

Of course, the bomb that Lambert had set off wasn’t another moon dust bomb. Where would be the fun in that? No, Lambert and Jaskier had agreed, as much as a rooster and a witcher could agree, that they would be gracious and bring Geralt closer to what he loved the most: The sweet sweet smell of his cherished Roach. In this case, the smell of what Roach left behind, when she had eaten a lot.

There were more steps to their genius plan of creating chaos in the keep, one of which involved a fork, a strategically placed axii and the backside of whoever pissed Lambert off the most, and naturally there were endlessly more possibilities for improvisation.

Sadly, the other witchers, roused by the mayhem and possibly even the stench coming from Geralt’s room, didn’t seem to appreciate Lambert and Jaskier’s combined genius and they made sure to break the curse on Jaskier as soon as they got the change.

Now, there was only one fundamental flaw in that: For some unknown reason, the witchers hadn’t considered the fact that Jaskier’s personality hadn’t changed when he had become a rooster. They had no idea what they were in for, now that Jaskier had opposable thumbs again.

This would be a fun winter indeed.

[oonajaeadira]

I love your Sweets series and I love Javi G, but most of all I love YOUR love for Javi. Like, if you were to write a 20 page essay on your adoration for him I would 12/10 read it. Just saying. No pressure. 👀

Also, I noticed that you reply to pretty much every single comment and reblog on even your older works, and you do it with such love and enthusiasm, which I think is amazing. I know many writers reply to comments on their more recent works, but not their older ones, and for you to actually read and take the time to reply to all of them shows how much you truly love to write and what you write, and idk I just wanted to thank you for that.

All in all, I think you’re a lovely and talented person, and I wish you all the best on all your WIPs and all the WIPs to come 🥰

!!!!!

I... thank you!!!!

I know my blog is a lot of reblogs, and I'm a little self conscious about it, but I am super grateful to those who like and share and comment. I write these silly stories because they make me stupidly happy and when anyone stops by and lets me know that they 1. read it and 2. liked it ...and then trying to put into words or pictures how it made them feel or how much they liked it? HOW CAN I NOT VALUE THAT EFFORT? We live in a world where it's easy to like a thing but pass on by. But to stop and take the time to freely give a kind word or compliment? To take it and say to others, "look at this, I enjoyed it?" That's KIND. I have trouble not being grateful or acknowledging kindness. So, while I apologize to anyone who has to scroll by my reblogs, I would rather be annoying in that way and give a hug back then to let happiness roll by unappreciated. Can't help it.

(Also: my comment reblog tag is <3 <3 <3 just in case you wanna filter them out. I know it's a lot.)

As for Javi G.

I could write that essay. I really could. I mean, I have my moments of intense longing for Din and for Ezra because goats know I love a capable man with a soft center. But here comes Javi and I never knew I might fall for the opposite--the cinnamon roll with surprise spice. I knew I'd love him for the hair, but I didn't know what a dork he was going to be, and I can't but help loving the ones that seem to get no love in their own 'verses. I will gladly love that Pedro boy. I will gladly take care of him. Let me write him someone to fall in love with who loves him like he deserves. Let me have nice dreams about them. Let me adore them and go a little nuts over them. It's all I ask of them...

BUT LOOKIT HIM.

Lookit how soft and fluffy. Lookit how sweet. THAT SMILE.

HOW CAN I NOT LOVE

[dsmpkinfessions]

Thinking about my family and the reputation we held. It’s so funny to me.

Yes, Philza is both ancient and deadly enough to deserve the “Angel of death” title. He was also a silly old bird man who worries constantly for his collection of children. Let us sleep under his wings while cooing lullabies.

TechnoBlade. The Blood God. He who Hears The Chorus. Father of Withers. Also pretty much our mom <3 whatever the opposite of girldad is. Would braid our hair and tell us stories.

Tubbo. Sweet sweet Tubbo. Just a little man. Looks like most could pick him up one handed. No way this little goat boy could do any harm, right? WRONG THIS 5 FOOT BODY EMBODIES THE RAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS. At least in the top three of most likely to kill you. Has destroyed several ships from the inside. Mechanical genius and lover of explosives. Also very nice to hug when he likes you but he would never like that to be known <3

Tommy. Humans are. So fascinating. No claws. No fangs. So much rage fueled power in this awkwardly proportioned body. Probably the highest bite rate out of everyone. Somehow exactly as scary as the rumors say and not at all what you’d expect.

And then me, Ranboo. Half enderian half something. Tall. Intimidating. Big claws. Big teeth. May have potentially torn into a dreamon like a bored border collie with a chihuahua chew toy at some point. For the most part, just a socially awkward, nervous, very long cat. Do not look at me. I would like to be held now, please and thank you?

-SpaceBoo, a Ranboo from a space AU

[justletmeplayminecraft]

okay, so thoughts on hcbbs because oh my gosh i'm really excited for this actually? spoilers below the cut <3

the swaps are so cleverly thought out! like, okay.

firstly, xb and joe. an odd pairing at first until you realise their bases focus a lot on lore and story. xb was creating little skits to figure out how somebody would actually live in his base. joe planted massive fields of berry bushes for the Story™. i am super excited to see if they try to progress those stories or just get very confused.

grian and zed oh my gosh you have no idea how excited i am. i am, admittedly, a little nervous for zed. he has a Lot of pressure on him with grian's fanbase (which grian has already attempted to mitigate by saying he's excited to see what zed will do, and saying they'll talk.) but they are the opposite end of the same chaotic energy. zed, when he wants to be, is actually a pretty decent detailer. the man-eating plant, his bed, etc look really good! he's great at giving life to places. whilst grian is really good at making places look pretty, and i think he'll find it fun to make some silly redstone as well.

also i just really want a proper collab from them.

cleo and keralis is another really smart swap. cleo's main problem right now is that she doesn't have much time irl. she's not been able to focus on her base and build it up. so having keralis's means the majority of the building is done for her, whilst keralis almost gets to spread his wings again in a new area. cleo's also going to brutally murder the secret base gang did you see her reaction to joe initially like oh boy congrats on ur like nine new bases cleo

false and tango, though we haven't seen tango's thoughts yet, i think does work super well. tango had been struggling a bit for ideas with toon towers, and false even mentioned they'd talked about his plans for the base (whether that was pre-swap or not idk.) but like false said, she's been stuck doing a very limited colour scheme all season, and now gets to branch into a new style! whilst tango is focused on among us if he doesn't want to be too involved, but has a fresh canvas for ideas if he does (which i imagine he will.)

beef and iskall is one of the ones i'm really interested about. because iskall can't really do lore, and it seems like he now owns three fox hole. but, the possible redstone he could do over there? whilst beef, i have a feeling he's gonna do some cool stuff, but he's totally going to troll with it as well. i can't wait to see what these two come up with tbh. iskall's a little busy with vault hunters but i'm curious.

stress and impulse for me is very much like,, a wildcard. their build styles are nothing alike. stress just started collecting new plans for her base whilst impulse has plans for his. impulse is a redstoner! i do think stress could really help with building and detailing impulse's base, whilst impulse could get stress some farms and i can see him taking on the challenge of that build style. impulse is nothing if not up for a challenge. i can see them being a possible pair to swap back early, though.

cub and doc are both masters of the grind. you've now plopped doc, who missed half the season, into a very complete base filled with redstone, traps, secret passages... doc's going to have a field day. (also i can't remember if the baby was due soon, but he might drop off a bit with that too.) whereas cub now has access to doc's tunnel bore, and a completely blank canvas. he doesn't need to fill out the pyramid now. they've also both been leaning into story (pharaoh versus goat mother) and i imagine they will continue to lmao

and scar & mumbo. honestly these two complement each other super well. scar's been teaching mumbo a lot about terraforming and building lately, so this feels like a natural progression? i can see mumbo bringing some much needed order to scar's base, whilst i bet, being neighbors, scar has probably looked at mumbo's and had ideas about what he'd do with it. two very different skillsets combining here!

it's also notable you've got the lil xb, joe, cleo & keralis friendship bubble. also, if mumbo is behind it, he's actually met and worked with both grian and zed irl. and it gives zed some much needed exposure bless.

however i am still devastated the zit triangle has been broken up. whoever will they steal borrow from now??

i think, as long as it's managed well behind the scenes, this is going to be super interesting. and i am super excited to see the collaborations that will come out of it.

[ladykissingfish]

At The Zoo with the Akatsuki

*This was an anonymous request in my inbox. Whoever you are, thanks! This was fun to write 😊

Hidan

This guy goes ape for the monkey exhibits. Lemurs, baboons, marmosets ... but his favorite of all are the gorillas. He’s blown away by how intelligent the animals are, and how closely they act like humans. Hidan likes to stand by the glass in these exhibits and make a variety of gestures to see which ones they’ll copy. His favorites are sticking up his middle finger and scratching his behind, which he’ll laugh himself silly over when the gorillas mimic his motions. Besides the primates, he’s also fond of the giraffes enclosure. Once the group went to a zoo where they allowed people to physically interact with these majestic beauties, and Hidan wouldn’t let them leave this one exhibit for nearly two hours, because he couldn’t get enough of petting their long necks. He’s the type to ignore the Do Not Feed The Animal signs for most attractions, and in fact tries to start fights by throwing peanuts and other treats through the bars or over the glass.

Sasori

He mainly thinks that zoos are boring, and doesn’t really get why the others seem so enthused to go. The one thing he does enjoy are reptile houses; he’ll move slowly through the dark rooms and gaze at the different snakes, lizards, colorful frogs, and whatever else is being showcased. Is more of a people watcher than an animal watcher, and finds the reactions of those looking at different species more entertaining than the animals themselves. Will spend the most time walking around with Deidara; he finds the blonde’s childlike enthusiasm to be refreshing, and it’s one of the few rare times that the two can be together without arguing about art.

Deidara

Deidara has an odd, odd grudge against hippos. He’s told the others ad nauseam about a memory he has of when he was a little boy, and his father taking him to a local zoo. According to Deidara, his father wasn’t watching him, Deidara slipped down an embankment and landed in a hippopotamus hole, and the beasts charged at him, teeth bared. He was rescued by the zookeeper, so he says, and he remembers getting “a lot of free shit” because of the incident. But the others doubt that any of this happened, and try (unsuccessfully) to convince him that this was just a vivid dream. But Deidara doesn’t buy it: he’ll stand at the top of a hippo exhibit and hurl insults down below, until the others can drag him away. Aside from this one weird tic, Deidara actually really enjoys the zoo, and spending time with the others in such a calm, relaxing environment. He especially likes the bird houses, and could spend hours whistling at or cooing to the beautifully colored, winged creatures.

Kakuzu

This guy tries to pretend that going to the zoo is a waste of time, too expensive, etc etc ... but in reality he loves this particular outing like no other. He’s never told anybody this, but when he was a very young boy, he lived with his parents on a farm. Exhibits of “common” animals such as sheep, goats, pigs and bulls or bisons puts him in mind of the happier, simpler times of his life. He may be the oldest but he moves faster than anyone in the group; the others think this is because he’s in a hurry to get the trip over with, but really it’s because he’s enthused (and impatient) to see each and every exhibit that there is. Still, Kakuzu is ALWAYS going to be Kakuzu ... he’ll snap at the others if they ask him for money for souvenirs, and he’ll have to be physically dragged from the snack shops once he sees (and starts yelling about) how high the food prices are. “$13.99 for a cheeseburger?! It better be the entire f*ck*ng cow on that plate!”

Kisame

Going to the zoo is always a duality of emotion for Kisame. On the one hand he’s part animal himself, so it bothers him to see other animals locked up and on display like prisoners. But on the other hand, he has the alpha-like mentality that being part human elevates him beyond the level of the others, therefore it’s ok for him to go and look at the “lesser beings”. Although he has fish DNA, by contrast, his favorite things to look at are the big cats. Lions, tigers, leopards, jaguars ... Kisame admires these beauties to no end. “Jokes” so much about climbing the barricades and riding one of these kitties that the others start to take him seriously and someone keeps one hand on his arm while near these exhibits. Walking along in the sun is nice for awhile but after several hours of this he begins to get tired and dehydrated; there’s been several times when he’s been caught taking “a quick dip” in open-water exhibits such as the penguin tank.

Itachi

Lions? Tigers? No, it’s Bears for this boy. These furry mammals provide him with hours of watching delight. He’s especially fond of polar bears, and could spend forever watching them walk around on glaciers and go for swims underwater. One time he and Kisame were sent on a mission to a foreign country. They were supposed to return within 2 weeks, but they didn’t make it back for almost a month. Kisame covered and said it was because they ran into extensive traffic difficulties ... but the reality was the place they were sent to had a zoo with an interactive koala exhibit, and Itachi went every single day to have the little cubs crawl all over him ... even going so far as to put the owners of the zoo under a gengetsu in order to maximize his time limit.

Zetsu

Depends on what kind of mood he’s in, as to whether he’ll join the others at the zoo. If he goes, he is always mistaken for being a wildlife plant mascot, because of his unique foliage. His hobby is trying to sneak into as many exhibits as he can, posing as a plant, before the others (or the animals themselves) notice that he’s there. He doesn’t quite have a favorite animal but finds himself attracted to the gracefulness of flamingoes. He can’t stay with the others too long, however, as all that natural sunlight gives him a “brightness overload”, as he calls it. An ideal zoo day for him would be one where it’s partly cloudy and/or lightly drizzling; but the others prefer to go in the full sunlight.

Konan

Absolutely loves going to the zoo with the others. She’s the one who will read the zoo map and try and put them on a schedule to ensure that they see everything there is to see. Also the only one who will think to bring a bag filled with water and small snacks for the others (which Kakuzu appreciates more than anyone because he hates them wasting precious money on the in-zoo snack stands). Is fond of all the animals but her favorites are elephants. She often tells the others how highly intelligent and sensitive these creatures are, how they look after and care for their mates and their families. Tobi tells her that she reminds him of an elephant, which the others will smack him for because what woman wants to be called an elephant? But Konan will smile and hug him, because she understands what he means. One time as a group they surprised her, and found an elephant sanctuary where one was allowed to play with elephants. Konan spent a full day there laughing and getting sat on/cuddled by playful baby elephants. At the end of the day everyone received a muddy hug and kiss from her, which they tried to act grossed out by but were really happy about. Also should be noted that when at regular zoos, the heeled sandals that Konan wears often quickly tire her out, so more often than not she’ll be offered a ride on Kisame’s shoulders, or (if Sasori is walking around in it) on top of Hiruko.

Pein

Doesn’t particularly like the zoo, because he isn’t the fondest of animals, caged or not. Will only go with the others if Konan insists on it, as she feels Nagato needs to experience some pleasant imagery once in a while (through the Pein body). He’s the type to pick up every single pamphlet or brochure outside of each exhibit, study the information carefully, then quiz the others later on different fact about what they saw. Since he’s not a fan of animals he really doesn’t have a favorite, but he most enjoys watching wolves. He can always identify which one is the alpha male, and he observes the way it leads its pack around for future inspiration for his own group.

Tobi

When they go to the zoo as a group, somebody has to be assigned to this guy, to keep an eye on him. He gets so enthusiastic with the different animals and sights that he often throws caution (and common sense) to the wind, which allows for dangerous situations to happen. Once, he managed to break the gate on the tiger enclosure because he said it looked like they weren’t warm enough where they were, and would probably like to be outside with the people. Chaos and a wide panic ensued, and the rest of the group had had to get him out of there before they were all arrested. Tobi claims he likes all animals the same, that “they’re all Tobi’s friends!”, but his favorite-favorite are penguins. He loves the way they waddle, and will walk around the whole day after they visit this attraction trying to imitate that walk, until Deidara yells at him to “walk like a grown man, Tobi, hm!” He also really likes the snacks that they offer at the zoo and will likely run through his weekly budget as he buys tons of popcorn, candies, and ice cream to munch on as he walks around. Always cries when it’s time to go; usually takes 2-3 other members to drag him out by the arms.

[widowsofchaos]

Pretty please do #51 with Steve Rogers.

Sweet Dreams

summary: the Captain has only eyes for you.

pairing: darkish!Steve Rogers x black!reader

warnings: mention of alcohol, drunk reader, dark yet soft yandere Steve, somnophilia, vaginal intercourse. dub non-con. Requested prompt 51: “Are you trying to seduce me? Depends. Are you seducible?”

a/n: Finally writing for my fav Captain. <3 requested from this prompt list. shoutout to @punani for helping with the “isn’t this your dream, princess” line for the smut. Thanks so much, boo. <3 xoxo T

do not repost my works!

“You’re doing it again, pal.”

A gruff chuckle could be heard behind Steve - earning a grumble under his breath. The greenery that swirled in his oceanic orbs blackened, and dilated into inky madness; his thick brows peering over his muscular shoulder.

Staring, gawking -- admiring.

“I’m not doing anything, jerk.”

“Punk, please–” an airy snicker, “I know you like the back of my metal hand.” Another snicker, “Even after over seventy years, and you still can’t talk to a dame.” Bucky took a quick gulp of Asgardian ale, his upper lip sneering in satisfaction.

Fueling his mischief.

“Shut it, jerk.” A forced chuckle slipped from Steve’s pink lips, finally facing his long-time companion, grumbling at his best friend’s smug grin. Clicking his jaw tightly, not willing to admit it.

No one can read Steve like an open book like Bucky can.

No one ever.

Brotherly adoration manifested in sibling bickering, always prodding and pushing each other’s buttons.

“Go talk to her.” Bucky’s stormy baby blues searching for a familiar Nubian beauty among the obnoxious faceless crowd that’s festering within the extravagant Stark party.

In his view, he found you sitting on the couch next to Sam, adorable tipsy giggles escaping you. Friendly coziness, you were resting your head on Sam’s shoulder. Now aware why his best friend is fuming at the ears.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” A huff of breath escaped through Steve’s flared nostrils. Denial beating against his fractured mind like a Cherokee drum.

A smirk grew slowly on Bucky’s chiseled bearded jaw, he tsked, his eyes focusing back on Steve’s face, “Alright. Good to know.” Bucky deadpanned — with a touch of a tease, deliberately taking small sips, never wavering his eyes from Steve.

Steve’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, “I’ve been meaning to ask Y/n out anyways...” Steve snarled at Bucky. Bucky leaned over, wagging a finger in Steve’s face.

“I’m gonna dunk my dick in her–”, grinning placidly. “Jerk!” Steve roared in a raspy hush at Bucky, punching his metal arm repeatedly, rearing metal meeting Steve’s swinging knuckles.

Tears were forming in Bucky’s eyes as he belly-laughed, doubling-over in his stool— Bucky’s snorts was gaining other party goers’ attention.

Steve’s entire face was reddened – resembling a cartoonish bull fuming — quickly realizing that confused, and amused eyes were zeroed on the super soldier duo.

Nervously his dilated eyes scan over multiple faces, incoherent apologies slip from his lips, only to stumble upon you chuckling, giggles fumbling over your manicured fingertips muffled your lips.

Steve quickly tore his gaze away, his forearms crossed on the marble counter. Sulking and hiding himself against his arms; like an angry toddler.

Muffled embarrassment could be heard within Steve’s arms, his choppy groans and breaths fogging the transparent counter glass, an amused guffaw hissed through Bucky’s teeth.

Patting Steve’s sculpted shoulder blade, “Twah. Don’t worry about me, Stevie. Because tweety over there would probably beat me to the punch. Have you seen the way he gawks at her?” A sing-song jab.

Push. Shove. Goating Steve to grow a pear, hit a nerve for him to finally snap. Knowing full aware that Steve deserves an ounce of happiness – two men forced out of their time, lost possible futures due to out-of-control occurrences, but now?

Why not try to make a new future finally by their own hands? Take what they want. Bucky and Steve deserve it after everything they knew was ripped from them.

Steve’s blonde-head short up, “Don’t say that!” A raspy bark, but no bite — not for Bucky at least. A wolf ready to chomp a particular bird’s head off.

“Then ask her out!” Bucky jabbed his finger in Steve’s chest. “I’m tired of you moping around, staring at her like a sick puppy.” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“All that pining -- just get your dick wet already, Stevie.” A harsh cough caved through Steve’s throat.

“Jesus -- what’s with you tonight?” He grinned at a howling Bucky, a swell of relief but mild humiliation bubbling at the pit of his stomach.

Right before his eyes is a vision from the past, this is the closest Steve has witnessed Bucky to three sheets to the wind in a long time -- a cocky sailor-mouthed Casanova slurring flirty innuendos in a dame’s ear, promising necking behind the church, and a call back that will never occur.

Or the curious sixteen year old, who snuck miniature polaroids of stag porn; claiming it’s from his father’s stash -- gawking chuckles, and bashful gasps stifled in the silent night -- two curious boys beyond their years.

It’s refreshing. Bucky, the one last link to Steve’s past that reminds him of home. Bucky is his home -- but now, there is a beautiful being--not more than five feet away from him--who he yearns to create a garden within her heart and soul; you.

A grin slowly faltering to a genuine solemn smile, “You deserve it, Steve. You deserve her.” There he is. An emotional chameleon, faux cheeky ego veneering battle scars, years thick of abuse, and loneliness -- a molded machine guising a little boy. A flicker of vulnerability sheens in Bucky’s eyes, tittering hope of an old soul.

Steve opened his mouth to succumb to his natural instinct of denial, but Bucky cut him off, “Stop it.” A soft demand, gesturing his hand for Steve to shut it.

“How long are we going to suffer?” a swallow, “Reminiscing on what could’ve been. Imaging years after the war, getting married with kids. The all-American suburban dream.” He was getting misty-eyed.

“A pipe dream -- I’ve finally come to realize that it was never intended for us.” Bucky croaked, laughing it off as he downed more mead.

Steve sniffled, projectile vomit churning -- those aren’t his dreams anymore -- at least, not for a lost era. Those late-night thoughts ending with day-dreams buried in a tear-soaked pillow.

“I used to think if I dated Sharon -- I could regain a piece of Peggy back. Fulfill that hole in my heart.” Remorse, and disgust gurgling inside himself, “But -- I know that wasn’t right -- for either of us.” He stammered, his index finger tracing the rim of his glass.

“Peggy wasn’t the one for me. I just got attached to the first woman who saw me as myself -- she saw beyond the swarny loser.” Steve snorted, his throat constricting.

“You were never a loser.” Bucky spoke tenderly, “A loser wouldn’t have accomplished all that you did.” Bucky gripped Steve’s shoulder, a squeeze of reassurance.

He mumbled a thanks Buck with a curt smile. Steve hung his head a bit, gulping the last drops of his beverage.

Attached. What a silly word to describe the Captain’s past affection for Peggy Carter. He looks back to a time where he would’ve gotten on knee for her, and proposed.

Propose the promise of a better life together, with a bunch of rugrats running around, and saving the world.

Now? It’s a memory. The past. He’s learned to let go, accept his life for what it is -- despite having no choice in the manner. A man out of his time, adapting to the 21st century -- with its entertainments, trends, fashion, and evolved society.

Don’t even get Bucky, and himself started on food. Both men have engorged themselves on cusicines, vowing to never eat plain boiled meals again.

Steve’s genuinely thrilled that times have changed with more liberation for marginalized groups -- people being treated as humans, and exercising their rights.

But if anyone asked Steve Rogers what was the first thing he enjoyed since he got out of the ice? He would say you. Without a doubt, you have brought a light in his life -- a light he has been searching his whole life.

Your strength, poise stature, your sweet voice -- always following his orders on the battlefield, but stood your ground, a perfect dance of partners.

Your beauty is unmatched, classy, but never a prude. Sexy, intelligent -- he can go on, and on.

Steve leered over his shoulder again, his eyes focusing on you. Your head was still perched on Sam’s shoulder, Steve huffed.

How he desperately itches to snatch you off of Sam, and just cradle you all night. He sighed, rubbing his temples, “Hey Buck, I’m gonna take off.” Steve stood up, stretching his muscles, “Awh already, old man?” Bucky teases, snickering. “Goodnight, jerk.” Steve laughed, lightly punching Bucky’s shoulder.

Steve began trekking towards the elevator, passing by buzzed individuals. “Stevie.” A familiar seren voice beckoned him, followed by pitter patter. He turned a little too fast, but he didn’t care. It was you.

“Steve!” a slurred glee shrieked out of you, arms extended out to engulf the sculpted Herculan -- ensnaring him tightly around his neck, curious fingers twirling his combed angel-hair, his ears were forming red. A shiver crawled down his spine -- your touch is intoxicating. Your scent -- mouth-watering.

Quickly stilling your swaying, rubbing your face against his broad chest, “How are you?” your words muffled against the tight fabric, “I missed you.” A surprised huff left Steve, searching for Bucky, only to see his friend wiggle his eyebrows suggestively from the distance.

Ever so the gentleman, he didn’t dare lower his hands to a tantalizing region, locking his grip on your waist, “I’m okay, doll.” He chuckled, “How are you?” Sweetly shifting your body against him by the guide of one forearm on the nape of your back -- petting your curled dome, and swiping wild curls from your doe-eyes.

You hummed, squinty hooded-lids, a blissed placid smile, it's a bit goofy -- adorable nonetheless.

“S’good, Stevie.” Your head bobbled a bit, stifled giggles biting your lip. You lazily titled your head towards the elevator, then sloppily turned back to Steve.

“Where ya’ going, Stevie?” You pouted, and Steve just wanted to trace your bottom lip -- dig his thumb between your lips.

“I’m just gonna head to bed.” Steve’s babifyed his tone, “Sleepy too.” You murmured. Steve internally awed, as your head leaned back on his chest.

“C’mon, doll. Let me help you get to bed.” Steve chuckled. “Oh, how about I put you to bed, Cap--tin?” You slurred, stretching his formal title with a pause -- your eyes fluttered for a second, lazily jabbing his bicep with your finger.

Steve’s ears were dusted pink, shocked at your flirty attitude, catching onto your teasing manner. “Are you trying to seduce me?” Steve’s brazen confidence soared for a momentary lapse. A bit disappointed that most likely, you won’t recall any recollection of tonight’s event.

“Depends. Are you seducible?” You cheekily lightly smacked your lips, with a pout. Steve desperately wants to kiss that pout forever. But he restrained himself.

“Let’s go, Y/n.” He smiled sweetly. Steve lifted you more upward, guiding your feet so you won’t fall on your face.

Walking into the elevator Steve pressed your numbered button, his eyes caught Bucky, who wiggled his eyebrows, mouthing hushed words just for Steve’s advanced hearing, “That’s my boy.” Steve rolled his eyes playfully.

-

During the journey in the elevator, you fell out like a light. Steve carefully hoisted your limp body in bridal style. Steve gazed at you happily, the slope of your nose, your spidery lashes, ruffled curls -- how your breasts heaved under your purple sun-dress.

The ding of the elevator alerting Steve that you both are on your floor, interrupting Steve’s haze, he grumbled a bit but he began walking out towards your room.

Steve gracefully walked to your room, not even paying attention to his steps, focusing on your peaceful sleepy face. The path to your room is already memorized.

“FRIDAY, open Y/n’s door.” Steve pecked a lingering kiss on your forehead, “Of course, Captain Rogers.” The lock of your bedroom clicked open. Steve made himself home, a natural occurrence of him.

Strides towards your bed, gingerly placing you on the bed. Steve gulped, his fists straining at his side; his eyes stared up at the ceiling, counting to five.

Reprimanding himself; reminding himself that he should leave you be. Just like the times before.

But one look at you, and he’s a goner. He has to just touch you — oh God, please.

Shaky palms reach for the hem of your dress, grazing your skin as he perched the fabric upward. Savoring the smoothness against his fingertips.

Toned curves and planes of soft-scented, smooth sepia flesh; his heartbeat drumming out in a rapid rhythm, serene sleepy smile rests on your face. Pouty heart-shaped lips -- Steve’s cock twitch at the mere idea of slipping his veiny dick in your warm mouth, your slurping tongue gagging on his swollen balls.

But not yet. The scenery isn’t fitting -- next time.

Gingerly kneeling on your carpeted floor, Steve delicately seized one of your ankles, pinched tips toying with the leather straps; leisurely unclipping the sandals, he licked his bottom lip.

A wolf playing with its food, favoring the image of an anxious boy unwrapping his prize.

As his nimble fingers unlatched the straps off, steadily he tugged the sandal off, silently placing the shoe on the floor -- he repeated the exact action with the other foot.

Steve internally awed at your dainty feet, a small whine restrained by a tight-lip smirk. Hiking his clutch on your ankle, peppering modest kisses on the tips of your toes.

He couldn’t help but to worship you.

Hosting himself upward, tenderly repositioning your leg against the mattress.

Limbs spread eagle, your forearms perched above your dome like a mid-froze ballerina, the hem of your dress hiked up -- bundled, and wrinkled -- to your navel, exposing your lace thong.

A shuddering groan crawled up his throat,swallowing thickly, calloused fingers skate past the terrain of ankles to legs -- thumbs rubbing, savoring -- to waist, kneading slightly but only to flinch away.

Scared to break you, as if he’s too broken to handle your beauty properly. Steve grew the confidence within him, and quietly began removing your dress off your body.

His fingers sneak underneath the cotton dress, slipping it up towards your chin; clutching one arm to maneuver the short-end sleeve off.

A small groan vibrated in your throat, but you remained in a drunk slumber. Steve’s breath hitched, fearful for you to awaken with him hovering over you. To scare you off -- he just wants a taste.

To feel what’s his.

Presented before Steve was your bare essence; and he just wants to fall to your feet. All his sketches of your sleeping form doesn’t do justice, being able to view the entire masterpiece beyond hidden sketches.

“You’re so beautiful, doll.” He murmured, his lips foraging your chavlices.

You sleepily mumbled, a lazy smile curling just a bit. A lingering kiss on your hairline, Steve lowly hummed happily. Your bare breasts heave with your calm breathing, Steve littered your sheen skin with small kisses, a few kitten licks on your nipples -- the tip of his tongue swirling on the erected nubs.

Little whimpers, and moans swelled Steve’s cock. “My sweet little doll is so responsive … so sensitive.” Steve cooed. With much silent vigor, Steve unbuckled his pants, fumbling the fabric below his ass; just enough space to release his weeping cock.

His fingers hook your flimsy lace, tugging it by the side -- salivating at the mouth at your glistening mound. His thick fingers wrap around his cock, love taps by his swollen tip against your clit. You softly mewled in your sleep, a cute whine. Involuntarily your hips shifted, your body yearning for contact.

Steve tsked playfully at your impatience, “Even in your sleep, you need me.” Steadily Steve inserted himself inside your soft velvety walls, biting down on his lip to prevent a lew groan. He shivered internally, you feel heavenly.

Steve languidly thrusts, his fists crumpling your sheets underneath you. Slowly leaning half of his weight onto you, his light pants fanning on your face. Steve indents his elbow that was sunk just a bit in the mattress, trapping your head between himself.

“Isn’t this your dream, princess? Isn’t this what you’ve desperately wanted all this time?” Steve whispered in your ears, “Flirting with your Captain, naughty girl.” His fingers caressing your arms, soothing you back to a fluid state of sleep, a small loose smile adorning your face.

Licks his teeth, as he gently pushes his girth inside of you. Mumbled whines alert him, he shushes you, pecking little kisses on your cheeks while maintaining an agile insertion. Trembling slightly at the heavenly touch that is you, Steve hissed under his breath.

He preens as he finally is at a full brim. His pelvis against your vee, fully satiated between your thighs.

His heart pounding, snapping his hips slightly, your body jolts a bit underneath him. Steve’s chest tightens, as he pounds into you, the squelching wetness coating his cock.

His limbs twitches, struggling not to groan, or growl in pleasure. Steve’s head glides down to meet your heaving breasts, suckling onto the nipple.

Blinded by lust, he suckles, imagining it’s full of milk, a muffled grunt leaves him as he pictures you swollen with his child -- another on your hip. He rolls his hips, losing his control as the mellow pacing turns faster, more needy.

One day — one day, there will be a ring on your finger; and a litter of your own together. The Rogers — Mrs. Y/n Rogers; oh this is just beginning.

Eyes screwed shut, he keens to feel your rapid breathing spike, tremors shudder throughout your body. His golden hair is sweat slick against his forehead, a little pop from as he detaches himself.

Flickering the tip of his tongue against the nipple. Steve changes the angle of his cock, you jerk in your stupor, high-arch keen off the bed.

“That’s the sweet spot.” He hummed to himself. His voice scraped in a hush, “I can feel you tightening on me, doll.” It’s like a vice on his cock, blurry visions you dream -- his veiny cock pounding into you with no mercy.

“Steve …” You murmur, Steve leans more into you, a goofy grin of joy stretches on his face. “My sweet doll is dreaming of me. You can feel me.” Steve’s is over-joyed, his heart flutters, butterflies are rapid in his belly. You’re thinking of him. Pressing his chest against your breasts, “I’m going to cum, doll.”

Sneaky fingers snake itself between you both, rubbing your clit in circles, a breathy gasp escapes you.

“I love you.” Steve whimpers, painting your walls white -- not daring to let any ounce of cum escape. Biting his lips till it draws blood, preventing any roar.

His nose scrunches up, his muscles tighten. You exhaled, you slick dripping down Steve’s pants.

He kisses your lips gingerly, “Sweet dreams, doll.”

[pyraffin-drgo]

All Heavy interactions in Poker Night at the Inventory.

For you to interpret however you wish.

Video Version

(They have [bootleg movies] in your country?) "I like movies, yes." (Yeah, like what? [Lists movies]?) "No. My favorite are The Dirty Dozen and the first twenty minutes of Rocky four."

(We can talk Tetris?) "Hmmph. Tetris is baby game." (Tetris Attack keeps it hood!) "Why does everybody think I love this Tetris? It is just stacking!"

"[To Strongbad] Tiny Heavy." (What is it?) "Do you get the nightmares?" (I get the jibblie nightmares. [Describes silly nightmare, shivers].) "I am talking about the visions of endless suffering. Dead doctors everywhere. Spy can not be found. (No, but that sounds like the Jibblies.) "I do not like these 'jibblies.'"

"Strong and bad. How is boxing career?" (These. Are. My. HANDS!) "I was boxer, once. In school. We have to either box or learn to herd goats." Silence, looking concerned. "I am not good with goats..." (Too much information, man.) "At first, I do not like punching other boys... But then I learn to love it." Punches his palm menacingly.

(Find any rare drops lately?) "I do not understand." (When you get a kill, you get a present?) "When I get kill, I get honor of team." Smile drops. "Sometimes... I also get nightmares. A man does not go home to his wife and children." (So, no loot?) "Oh! You mean hat! Yes, I love hats! Sometimes, I get these. They are the best."

(Hey, Heavy. You know any hot Russian spies?) "I hate spies." (But you gotta have the inside line on some deadly minxes.) "You want hot spy?" (Am I not wrestle man?) "I have friend who gets you a hot spy. (Get em on the two-way, man!) "His name is Pyro." (Tycho, to Strongbad: The spy is hot because it is on fire.) (Oh...)

"[To Tycho] What do you do with life?" (Me?) "Yes. What is possible with tiny, frail body?" (I occupy myself with simulations... of various kinds.) "What is these?" (Struggles to explain.) (Strongbad: He lives in his parent's basement.)

(So, is there a Mrs. Weapons Guy?) "No. Sasha is my only love." (Sasha kills people, I presume?) "No." (Oh?) "WE kill people."

"[To Strongbad] Maybe you and I box?" (I can't risk my beautiful face, it's the franchise.) "We spar. For fun." (I don't think so.)

"Strong and bad. You wrestle? With mask?" (No, I'm a wrestle man, not those hack wrestle-LERS.) "Not like Iron Sheik?" (No, Iron Stake is a LER.) Heavy nods. "Hmm. This is too bad."

(So how long you been with those Team Fortress fellas?) "I do not understand." (The game's been on Steam for like 3 years. I imagine there was some audition process?) "Ohhh! Yes, I understand! I kill many men VERY quickly." (Excuse me?) "I kill record number of soldiers, and I am commissioned to join RED team."

(Mr. Weapons. I am in the market for a new firearm. [Specifications].) "Hmm, for you I do not recommend minigun then. You know, there is this fast baby man that annoys me greatly with shotgun." (Oh! Oh! What are the available options? I'll spring for leather!) "Da, this is good for you. I suggest Force-A-Nature." (I'll tell them [shop owner] Heavy Weapons Guy sent me.) "It is no need. I know guy."

"I will make hat from you, little bunny." No reply from anyone. A reference for the player to the Max hat in TF2.

"You look familiar, bunny." (How closely do you follow the Manhattan Crime Blotter?) Also a reference to the hat, Tycho then takes over conversation.

(If I need someone snuffed out, what's your going rate?) "Five hundred thousand U.S. dollars." (Steep.) "Cash." (You can do it discreetly?) "Sasha... not so discreet." (That's fine.)

(How did you guys hear of the inventory?) "My engineering friend brought me one night."

(This reminds me of the time Artie Flopshark rigged an entire poker tournament to pay off his loan shark.) "I know of this. This is respectable profession in motherland." Conversation is stolen by Tycho.

(This reminds me of [story]!) "I am reminded of time Engineer kill my entire team." (Damn Heavy, that's... heavy. Sorry to hear that.) "I search entire base for him. He tries to kill me with turret and mini turret, but I crush his toys like they are made of paper." (Sounds like crappy toys.) "Then I find him. Hiding by teleporter. I take his gun away from him. He tries to hit me with wrench! Hahohoh! So I take wrench away from him. I take his wrench and shove it down his throat, all the way down to the handle." (Christ!) Heavy laughs. "Then I rip off all his fingers one by one!" He talks while laughing. "Lets see you build toys now!" He breaks out in laughter. "There's blood- everywhere! And- he's crying!" More laughter. "I think he cries out for mother, but- but-" Crumples over laughing. "The wrench is stuck in his throat! And it sounds like-" Makes choking motions and noises then laughs. "Is this not the funniest thing??" (Horrified looks) (Head shakes slowly.) (That's some bleeped up bleep, man!)

(How about you, Heavy weapons? I'm guessing you're a vodka guy?) "Peach Bellini. But bubbles can give me headache."

(Mr. Weapons, how do you like your line of work?) "It is good. There are many benefits." (Oh! Like a free pass to snuff out bad guys or a waffle bar?) "Both. And full dental."

(I wonder if this dump is haunted.) (I hope so! Roughing up who can't die is fun!) "...I do not like ghosts..." (It's okay, Mr. Weapons. I have [extensive experience]. I can handle a few ghosts.) "...You will take care of ghosts for me?" (You bet cha!) Heavy nods at him. "I like you, tiny rabbit."

[Story including a union] "I am union. RED local six fifteen." (You guys unionized?) "Eh. It was necessity for group medical."

"Tycho. This sweater, is special equipment?" (No, standard issue.) "You have no class specific head gear?" (Got a motorcycle helmet that protects from 100% of UV rays.) "This sounds beneficial."

(Why do you keep calling me 'Tiny Heavy'?) "You are Heavy. Tiny. No? You are RED team. You have killing gloves of boxing. You earn these for being great killer! You should try out for RED team." (Hmm. Guess I could join your team of ruthless killers and lame hat wearers and watch you get grenaded by 8 year olds.) "You will take many bullets before dying I think."

(Hey, Heavy. I just finished [Russian fantasy book]. Ever read it?) "No." (Oh. What's your favorite book?) "I prefer war." (Ah, War and Peace. Tasteful.) "No. Just war." (Art of War?) "Nyet." Silence. "I like 'Tsar Hunger' by Leonid Andreyev. You know this?" (...No.) "Is classic."

"You have hands like young girl." (I keep them shits moist.) "...So you are more of sneaky, stabbing type?" (In an extreme circumstance, I guess.) Heavy looks at him suspiciously. "I keep my eyes on you." (No, no no- I wasn't implying that-) Heavy looking at him angierly. (Shit.)

(Ever listen to music while you work?) "Yes! I just buy new walkman." (What gets you in the killing mood? Icelandic death metal?) "I just get Huey Lewis tape. Keeps spirits up on battle field."

"[To Tycho] You have woman?" (Not with me) "She is pretty?" (Yeah, cute, glasses, red hair.) "She has the red hair??" (No, Heavy! She is not on the other team! Don't have to kill her!) "No. But I love the red hair!" (Well, you can't have her, either.) Re-used image of Heavy looking at him angrily. (Well, maybe we can work something out.)

(Hey, Heavyman. You think you can 'take care' of the King of Town for me?) "I can assassinate king, yes. It is expensive, though." (By take care of I meant sneak in and shave off half his mustache.) "I am not best at sneaking." (Confront him in a dark alley then?) "This is better. That way blood wash away in rain."

(You have any interest in moonlighting?) "WHAT? I am not moonlighter!" (Just a little work on the side with Sam and me beating up goons!) "Oh. I can not do this." (C'mon it's fun and free!) "No, I am sure it is." (Then what's the problem?) "I have non compete." (Ah, yeah. Lawyers.)

(All these aces reminds me of [weird dream]. You have any weird dreams, Mr. Weapons?) "I sometimes dream that I am killed. There is blood everywhere. (Tycho gives him a weird look) But then I wake up and I realize this is ridiculous! Nobody can kill Heavy weapons guy! (Riiiight...)

"[To his chips] This is good Solider. This one is good Doktor. You are demolition man."

"Saaaandvich, sandvich, I love you sandvich!" (Would you like someone to order you some food?)

"Blue man." (Tycho.) "Tycho. What college do you go to? You are educated, no?" (Actually, no.) "No?" (I studied at Gygax Polyhedral if you catch my drift.) "I do not. This is good school?" (Uh. The best.) "I went to Soviet College of Mines, Farms, and Science. I have PhD in Russian literature." (Do you.. use that in your work?) "More than you think."

"Tiny Heavy, who is your favorite to kill in war?" (Those discount three-pack green helmets.) "To kill spy is glorious thing! How about you, Max? You are killing type." (My favorite enemy? Like asking me to choose between my children!) Heavy laughs. "You crack me up, little bunny!"

(Hey, Hefty Bag, you ever play video games?) "Just one." (Oh yeah?) "It is called-" (Tycho: WoW?) "Nyet. That is not popular. It is called 'Where's an Egg'." (Strongbad: I love Where's an Egg!) "Where's an Egg is as big as Tetris in homeland."

(Concerning your firearm, whay caliber we talking?) "Big." (What, we talking 300 Weatherby Mag here?) "Bigger." (50 cal, whereabouts?) "Bigger than 50 caliber. They are hand made custom tool cartridges with classified diameter." (Why's that?) "So enemy canmot use ammunition. But Sasha can chew through theirs." (Diabolical!) "I think so." Nods.

(Alright, big pretend killer man. Tell me the most awesome story you have with plenty of senseless violence!) Heavy thinks. "When I was boy, I was at camp, being trained in many ways of combat." (Assassination camp for kids! This is gonna be good!) "There was sparrow sitting on fence. Snow falls quietly around me. Without notice, another boy jumps from behind tree and kills sparrow with throwing knife. The boy runs away." (And then??) "I pick up sparrow, and hear his last breath before digging him tiny grave..." (Tycho crying) (Max silent) (That's not even a little bit funny, man.) Heavy shakes his head solemnly. "No..." Sits back. "It's not."

(So, what do you do for fun?) "Clean Sasha. Use Sasha... Clean Sasha again." (Proper maintience is crucial.) "I also collect old coins." (A fellow numismatist!) "Which I melt down to make custom bullets." (Of course.)

"I am hungry for sandvich." (Then order a sandvich, man.) "Oh, I can not have sandvich! I become unstoppable killing machine!" (Yeah, maybe order a water.) "Is best."

"You wear blue sweater." (All the time.) "What are you?" (Haven't we went over this?) "You are not Scout. Maybe very tricky blue Spy? Maybe... new class?" (I can use a keyboard to sabotage your entire team, steal your intelligence, and have your sister delivered to my doorstep in one afternoon. Yes, I'm a new class.) Heavy, shocked, "This is true??"

(Hey, Heavyman, what's your living situ-aysh?) "I live in RED barraks. Is nice. There is foos table." (How about taking a room in the house of Strong?) "There is vacancy?" (First you'll have to dump the current person in your room.) "This is enemy?" (He won't put up much of a fight.)

Hope you enjoyed, spent most of the day copying all these down. The non-Heavy lines are paraphrased for shortness. Heavy's are full, how they are in game.

[quasieli]

happy sleepover saturday! top 5 silly dnd moments?

Ooh, this should be a fun one!

1. (Frostmaiden) At the start of this campaign, my wonderful DM Ace allowed us to choose a couple magic items to start with and I wanted something that would sow a lot of chaos. I chose the Bag of Beans, which, when a bean is planted, you roll percentile and some sort of magical effect happens. On more than one occasion, we ended up with the effect of pink toads appearing that, when touched, become a small, medium or large creature for the next minute. These fights have been so fucking funny. Sometimes, we'll get some scary shit, like a woestrider, but in that same fight, we got some Lumiere ass sentient candelabra and I love that those two things can just coincide in D&D.

2. (EWF) This is a game I DM and I just love my players so much (they're all very close IRL friends of mine and just the best goofuses lol). We've had a lot of really silly moments in that game, but the king of goofs is our monk, an owl Aarakocra named Swoop. His goofs include: starting a secret knock that he told no one about; trying, and succeeding, to hug a smoke monster out of an NPC; eating a handful of acorns he found on the street, even though the party was actively in the process of getting food (this was an early session and he thought he had to eat like an actual bird); and just the litany of disguises and personas he comes up with literally almost every session. Best boy, 10/10, love him.

3. (SICL) Oh I have so many moments in mind but for some reason the first thing that popped up was this one time in a very early session where our party came across a band of half-orc bards while we were travelling. We all got drunk together and they told us stories. What made this particularly memorable was JD doing an amazing English accent for all of these half-orcs. Best of all, anytime e needed to anchor emself back to the accent, e would just yell "'Arry Potta!' very loudly lmao

4. (Azica) Wild magic pie eating contest. This was a while ago now so I don't remember all the effects that happened but I do remember our rogue accidentally getting turned into a goat and I believe they also got a pie that started insulting them. Brilliant idea from my awesome DM, Ciara. Man, I miss that game. (Honorable mention moment from this game: the party ragging on our warlock, and the player, because he didn't know that sugar gliders were real animals. TBF the drawing our rogue produced of one did look like a gingerbread man with skin, but that's neither here nor there lmao).

5. (Frostmaiden) This was from a recent one shot with my character, Sparks, and my party's lovely druid, Ambrose, where we ended up in the plane of air, trying to saving our little baby bear friend, BB. While we were in the plane of air, we encountered some elemental guards (I believe myrmidons?) and just, shoutout to @quantum-lesbian for the whole convo between Ambrose and this guard. Probably my fave bit of that convo was "Does air have pronouns?" Love that funky lil elemental, hope we get to meet them again.

[double-yellows]

2022 F1 Drivers as Lesser-Known Animal Crossing Villagers, Part 1

I’ve decided to be the fun and silly I want to see on the dash (rather than frickin’ bodyshaming and fandom meltdowns), AND I wasn’t going to be able to do any real work until I got this idea out of my head, so this is my offering to F1blr today. Basically all I’ve been doing on my vacation is reading up on F1 and playing Animal Crossing New Horizons (thanks but no thanks omicron variant), might as well smash two great tastes together.

I made these with MS Paint and my weirdo brain, you’ve been warned <3. Took my a shocking amount of time to assign characters to drivers, given that I wanted to avoid all the obvious ACNH faves, so I’m just posting a few today - trust me tho, I’ve got most of the grid figured out and I'll post more parts as I'm feelin' it.

This is the pairing that set me on this dark path. Look at Beardo - that bear is a FATHER and you won’t convince me otherwise. Dare I say he’s also a daddy? I can see certain parts of the fandom coming this way with torches and pitchforks, so I gotta bounce, but if you know, you know.

Sometimes, when you’re #blessed with strong brows, they can make you look a little grumpy and angry when you’re just thinking about what you’re gonna eat for dinner after work. Buck looks like he’s permanently ticked off, but behind those brows is a whole sweetie who’s a big nerd. And boi if that ain’t Lance too (although let’s be real, sometimes Lance is just ticked off lol).

Roscoe is both kinda scary and uhhh a little babely for a cartoon animal - I hate that I think this, and if it weren’t raining and 44F right now, I'd run outside and throw myself down on the sidewalk about it. But here we are, and I once again blame the virus. Black Mercedes Race Suit George gives me the same vibes all around - I hate than I find this attractive, but I can’t deny it.

Charles is a man who isn’t afraid to accessorize (perhaps he should be more afraid, but lord knows I’m not one to judge), and while I could have sworn I saw a picture once of Chal wearing basically the same type of scarf Cranston is rocking (if anyone knows the one I mean, PLEASE let me know), this pic Carlos took of him all bundled up on the plane is actually pretty perf. Plus Cranston’s goal is to be a CEO - he wants to get to the top of the game (unseating Tom Nook, perhaps?) as much as Charles does!

So this one might seem a little out of left field, but hear me out - Gruff is a cranky old man goat who lives in a diner/garage, plays the drums, and wears an "old school" jacket around. He'll happily wear absolutely anything you give him, though, including ladder shades and oversized hoodies. Despite being a cranky villager, he's almost always in a sunny mood. Plus look at the eyelashes game - I know I'm jealous. Anyway, long story short, I vibe-checked Nando and the test came back positive for Gruff, the most How Do You Do Fellow Kids villager.

And finally, a bonus frenemy for Part 1 - Renée seems like kind of a stuck up c-word, but she's actually extremely cool. Always willing to welcome you to the scene with a "yo yo yo!" and a lil wave. Loves to reminisce about the good old days (when she'd hang out in a vacant lot apparently?). Honestly, Nico is way more cringe these days than I think Renée is capable of, but I really feel in my gut that there's some strong similarities (particularly re: nostalgia).