#so i think like my brain started glitching with all this power and i just started doing fuck all. i went to the castle soon as possible

[inspector-montoya-fox]

hi how have you been?

[thekeeperof-thefandoms]

I asked a few of my favorite hazbin writers this and only one answered and it was ok but I felt like it could have been expanded on so here's my take

Vox, Val, Alastor, and Lucifer react to your love language being baking/cooking

Vox

(Starting with him because he's the one thaf inspired this).

Vox came from the 50s and even though I firmly believe he is past all the ingrained gender roles and homophobia I think he still has some internalized misogyny. He wants to be viewed as the man in the relationship, the breadwinner, the provider. He can cook for himself but it's pretty basic food (except steak. Like every other man since the invention of the grill how to bbq has been hardwired into his brain. If his partner also grills ya'll fight over whose turn to cook out it is)

(Unrelated but as a lesbian who loves to grill, and is the designated grill bro, butch lesbians or cookout lesbians are some of Vox's favorite type of gays to chill with)

I firmly believe that's why even though he's a sub, it's so hard and would take time and trust to get him to let you top and enjoy it. He's so worried people will find out and judge him, that you'll judge him. His ego can be very fragile.

Especially if we go with the Vox used to be a cult leader theory. His power, image, and success are linked to his ability to appear in control. To appear to have all the answers and take responsibility. It's going to take a lot of time and patience to unravel all that and help him seperate his personal and professional image.

That being said, a partner who uses acts of service as a love language is perfect for him. He's a busy man, so he tends to be a gift giver type. The gifts are always well thought out and expensive. He wants it to be something you need, want, can get a lot of enjoyment from, and be worth the money spent, so he puts time and effort into them. Unless he's just showing off by giving you his card and telling you to go nuts.

So you taking time to make his coffee for him the way he likes, ordering lunch from his favorite places and having it sent to his office so he remembers to eat, or just texting him reminders to drink water or eat/take breaks throughout the day makes him giddy.

If you're his assistant or something, (and I believe Vox absolutely would have his partner working for him/with him), then it's even better when you take on extra work to try and help him. Organizing his schedule, sorting emails/mail, and proofreading things. Any small act you do for him, because you want to and care about him, makes his heart rate pick up.

It'll really make him overheat, glitching slightly, literal heart eyes, if he comes home after a shitty day and you're cooking for him.

His internal monologue is absolutely raving about what a good housewife you are for him, a hard working husband.

Bonus points if you cleaned too! Either way, he adores you even more now, letting you fret and coo at him, removing his jacket and tie, pouring him a drink and telling him dinner will be ready soon and you made his favorite. He's so tempted to bend you over the counter right now, but that would ruin dinner. After you guys eat though, he's having you for dessert. Man's gonna make sure you know how much he appreciates this by turning your knees to jello, good luck walking tomorrow, doll.

If you bake treats and bring them to VoxTek he's gonna brag so much. Literally the embodiment of John Mulaney's, "That's my wife!" If you bring them just for him, he's defending his treats like they're the last ones in Hell. He has literally hit Val with a fly swatter for even asking if he could have one.

(Unrelated but like, chubby vox maybe? You're cooking is too good)

Valentino

Val wishes he could cook better. He's some kind of latino, so I feel like the fact he can't cook very well is a sore spot culturally. He can make the salsa and chips and like, help with stuff, he knows how to wrap tortillas and tomales (I picture him as like Mexican or Puerto Rican but that's just cuz the town I grew up had a large Puerto Rican group).

It doesn't help that his eyesight is even more shit in Hell. He can't see what he's doing hald the time. It ruins his art hobby too. He's overall just more easily frustrated with his bad eyesight.

I don't imagine you guys dating per se. Maybe you're his sugar baby, maybe you're someone he hired to help him do stuff like clean and organize and you just sorta start doing other things to help him. (Again I'm not saying it excuses jackshit, but as someone who worked with bipolar people and people with mood disorder I kinda see the fan theory in him, either way I think all the Vees could be sort of trained to be better people, but especially Val. We already saw Vox do it.)

After all, he's usually in a much better mood if you do and that means less outbursts. The first few times you cook him something he teases you about being his housewife, tries to make it sexual. It's not really something he clocks as being an act of love because I don't think you'd realize it yourself at first. I think the more you got to see him when he wasn't stressed, lashing out, being abusive, you'd start catching feelings. ("I can fix him", delulu asses)

He loves to be in the kitchen when you cook once it starts becoming a regular thing. He can't see clearly what you're doing but the way you move around the kitchen and get what you need, even if you're an ADHD mess and do steps out of order or at random, he can tell you know what you're doing. He likes to smell the food too while it's cooking.

He will ask you to try and make some spicier/more traditional foods he grew up with, but he doesn’t remember all of the ingredients, and it just gets him more frustrated he can't tell you. If you look them up and surprise him with it it'll probably be the most genuine, human response you get from him.

He's shocked, silent, standing frozen in the penthouse as familiar smells waft around him. You present him a plate nervously, practically shaking hoping it's good enough. The first bite nearly puts him in tears. No one's done anything this nice for him? Why would you? Lowkey thinks you want something from him. It's gonna make him paranoid for a while so don't expect a verbal compliment but he eats it all.

Eventually though, one day when you're in the kitchen cooking, humming softly and swaying your hips, one set of his arms will wrap around your waist, the other reaching around you help with the salsa, or wrap a tamale, and he'll prop his chin on your head and mumble out thanks. Some praise, maybe. Would definitely tell you stories about eating these foods growing up.

It's the first step towards having an actual relationship with him.

Alastor

This man almost always insists on cooking. He isn't much of a sweet tooth either. You tell him one night you want to try cooking for him. Tell him you understand it's an activity he enjoys and relaxes too, (especially if you know it's something that reminds him of his mother), but you want to do something for him and this is one way you show you care.

It's gonna remind him of his Mama so much that if you didn't know why he loved cooking so much before you do now. He compromises. You pick the meal and gather the ingredients and do most of the cooking and he helps prep and does dishes.

He playfully critiques you the entire time about adding some spice too it or a little southern flair. Just smack him with the wooden spoon, gently. It's gonna make him laugh because his Mama used to do that when he wouldn't keep out of the sweets, or tried to add stuff to her cooking.

Once you start it becomes habit to help each other in the kitchen every night, trading off who cooks and who preps and does dishes.

If you do find baked goods he likes that aren't too sweet and send them to him as snacks, especially to Overlord meetings, he's so fucking obnoxious about his sweet little doe (doesn't matter if you are one or not) and how they spoil him. Especially rubs it in Vox's face (not him whining to his partner so they send him with treats too so he can also brag).

Only shares with Charlie, Rosie, Niffty, and sometimes Zestiel. If he's feeling generous, Husk can have a bite.

Low-key also has a thing for his partner behaving domestically even if he isn't exactly invested in traditional marriage.

Favorite activity though is dancing with you in the kitchen to jazz while dinner cooks, holding you close, in his room usually, so he can hear the sounds of the bayou. If he closes his eyes he can pretend this is how his life went and that his Mama is in the corner or sitting in her chair, watching him, happy to see him find someone.

He will literally kiss Vox willingly before admitting that last part though.

Lucifer

It's not that he can't cook, it's just....it's easier to just snap his fingers and make food appear. He's been in a depressed slump for decades man, he's lived off of the 'want food, no cook, only eat' mindset.

When you come into his life it's a complete overhaul. Despite what issues you have yourself you can recognize someone in worse state than you and immediately categorize and prioritize. First thing first, get this man's duck collection/obsession organized, thinned out, and under control.

Second, help him work through his issues with Lillith and Charlie. Encourage therapy, be a mediator between him and Charlie (and trust me she appreciates it. She knows her dad struggles, didn't know how bad, and still feels awkward). Help him socialize more, rebuild his connection with the other sins.

Get this man a work schedule!

Then it's on to personal habits. You help him get out of bed, you're both probably a little helpless in the sleeping on time category though. Help him get a routine again to keep out of his funk. Then you start cooking for him. It just happens naturally. You enjoy cooking, you enjoy showing people you love how much you care by providing good meals.

At first he's gonna resist and tell you he can handle that, you already do so much for him. He can cook or better yet he can just make it appear and you laugh and tell him it tastes better when it's made with love. He brushes it off as a joke too, you're both just being silly and obviously you said that to get him to quit fussing. Except, unholy hell does it actually taste so much better.

Lucifer hadn’t realized how bland and unsatisfying just materializing the food was. Maybe that's because he was so depressed and uninterested in what he ate, maybe not. Either way, your cooking is so much fucking better. He actually looks forward to eating now. If he gets caught up in work or has a bad day, you make sure to always bring him something, leaving it as an offering of sorts. It almost always works and entices him to eat at least once.

You cook, he does dishes, and he will not budge on that rule. He wants to be a fair man. He occasionally boots you out to do dessert, though. Apple pie is his bitch and you've never tasted one as good as his. He also makes good pancakes and some absolutely orgasmic angel's food cake.

Ironicall, devil's food cake is one of your go to recipes. Sometimes you both make a cake and take it to events just to watch people get confused as fuck when it's revealed the literal Devil did not make the devil's food cake.

Everyime you're in the kitchen together it's a disaster, you're both to silly and chaotic. You were making noodles one time and he threw flour at you so you smacked him with the noodle you were holding, leaving a line of flour and a speck of dough against his cheek. From there it escalates. It happens every time. Making cakes together, you're smashing frosting on each other. Making cookies, you're fighting each other to stop eating cookie dough.

Once, after you get fed up with him stealing her spatula to lick the chocolate off of, hovering above you with his wings, you pout and bat your eyes, asking him sweetly to please give it back. He swoops down in front of you, booping your nose to smear chocolate on it and leaning in to kiss you, letting you have a taste of the chocolate batter you were mixing for brownies. While his tongue is in your mouth, drunk off the taste of you and chocolate you smash an egg over his head and let out a triumphant cheer, snatching back your spatula.

He's so stunned his wings disappear and he drops the last few inches to the ground while you cackle. His heart is pounding, his ears are ringing, and his chest feels like it's gonna explode. His eyes are literal sparkles. He hasn't felt this much joy, wonder, and love since Charlie was born. It feels like witnessing creation all over again, of the breathlessness he felt when he first saw Lillith.

You're laughter stops when you realize he's just staring at you awestruck and you smile, asking if he's ok.

"For once...yeah..Yes. I'm ok." He responds, genuinely. You kiss his cheek and resume baking. He watches you from the counter now, dreamily, thinking about how he's gonna marry you someday.

[lqveharrington]

Is It Over Now? | V.

summary: Alastor coming back after a seven year absence revealed what was underneath your 10 year relationship with Vox.

pairing: vox x wife!reader

includes: VERY MANIPULATIVE VOX, cursing (duh), toxic behavior, alastor not realizing he’s a home wrecker, Vel and Val being somewhat decent, (let me know if i missed any !!)

a/n: i’m on major hazbin hotel brain rot 🤷‍♀️

You were seething by the end of the extermination. All Vox would talk about was Alastor. It seemed like for the past six months all he could talk about was the Radio Demon. You were fine for about five months of it, but you started to realize it took a toll on you as well.

You were fine when Vox missed your wedding anniversary because he found out Alastor was back. You were fine when Vox missed your fashion week shows for Velvette. You were fine when he missed your birthday. But forgetting your past as extermination was coming up? Forgetting how you would break down every day before the extermination? You were done putting up with his actions.

“Doll, where are you going?” Vox slipped an arm around your waist, oblivious to the faces Velvette and Valentino made. “We’re celebrating here.”

“You’re celebrating.” You pulled away from him, walking up the stairs to your shared suite with Vox. “I’m leaving.”

“Wait, what?” Vox whipped his head over to you, slightly glitching. “What do you mean you’re leaving?” He asked but you were already up the stairs, causing him to use the electricity to summon himself to your shared room. “Doll, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” You push past him, grabbing your already packed suitcase. “Everything that happened in the last six months is wrong.”

He pulled you by your bicep, claws slightly digging into your skin. “Everything has been the same—“

“No, they haven’t.” You frown, trying to pull yourself out of his hold. “All you’ve been talking about is Alastor. But what about me?”

Vox scoffed, “What about you? I’m with you every fucking day!”

“You’re never with me, Vox!” Your eyes flash red, your free hand emitting red wisps. “Do you know how many anniversaries and dates you missed? Do you know how my days have been going?”

He stayed quiet but felt the rage bubbling up in him.

“You missed our wedding anniversary!” You glare at the ring on the hand holding onto you. “You missed all my shows, you missed my birthday—“

“I didn’t forget them.” He pressed his claws harder into your arm which made you wince. “You should’ve reminded me.”

“I wanted to! But you were so busy that I would just make you even more upset!” You bite your tongue. “Even Velvette and Valentino greeted me with happy anniversaries and a happy birthday. And where were you?” You practically shouted at him. “You were busy picking a fight with the demon who was the best man at our wedding!”

Vox’s eye swirled black and red, “Nothing is ever my fucking fault. You’re the one who wasn’t there for me!”

You flicked your hand which removed his hand from your arm, claws indented on your skin. “Bullshit. I was there every step of the way! I constantly have forgiven and forgiven, but you just keep hurting me!” Your pent-up stress and anger came out as your full demon form as tears welled from your eyes. “You were the one who wasn’t there for me! I cried to Velvette when I started retaining dreams of exorcists killing my family! I begged Valentino to not tell you that you missed any of our anniversaries! You haven’t cared for me since Alastor came back! I’m not playing this game anymore.”

“Where are you going?” He snapped his fingers, locking the doors and shutting the building down. No power was on, which meant everything was locked despite the missing locks. “I doubt anyone would be out during the day of the extermination.”

You paused but kept your composure as you remembered the only demons out. “Yeah, but the hotel is being rebuilt as we speak.”

Vox glitched again, “You are not going over to that shitty hotel.”

“I think I'll be fine since you keep forgetting about me anyway.” You shove him aside. “Unlock the doors, Vox.”

“Doll,” He let out a sigh, watching your every move. “I’m not unlocking the doors.”

“Why the fuck not?” You turn around, tears streaming down your face. “You’ve hurt me too many times! What am I supposed to do when you're too busy with Alastor that there’s no more time for me? Vel was the one who calmed me down this week!” You took a breath and looked up at the ceiling, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars you and Vox put up years ago. “I can’t pretend like we’re fine anymore.”

“Then don’t pretend, tell me.” He smoothed his claws on the arm he previously maimed, the silver wedding band cold against your skin. “When was the last time we fought like this? You were the one to tell me to talk things through.”

You bit your lip, wiping a tear. “I know, but it’s been a constant. Every day all you talk about is Alastor. When have we ever had time for ourselves in the past six months?”

Silence fills the room as no one dares to speak. Your quiet sniffles and Vox’s whirring are the only things keeping the room from being completely silent. Vox continued to rub the marks on your arm, trying to meet your eyes.

“Can you look at me?” He tapped your arm, earning a hum of acknowledgment. “Doll, look at me.” You shifted your gaze toward him, meeting his red eyes. He let a small smile slip, “Hi, gorgeous.”

You roll your eyes, “Yes?”

“Listen, if you want to leave…” He hesitated for a bit before snapping his fingers. “You have the choice to, but not the hotel. Just come back and let me make it up to you, I promise.”

Your eyes flickered between his eyes, the red streaks from his mouth becoming more prominent when you didn’t reply.

He took his free hand and ran a claw down your cheek, making you shiver from the contact. “You could easily take me down and leave. So why not?”

“I don’t know.” You mumble, letting him pull you into him. “I’m sorry.”

Vox grinned sinfully as one of his red eyes turned hypnotic again. He stroked your back, “It’s okay, you’re alright.” The blue chain connecting your wedding rings appeared. The same one that solidified your marriage in Hell. “How about we just stay here? We’ll relax and talk, okay?”

You nod, letting him guide you toward the bed. “I didn’t want to yell.”

“I know, you’re okay.” He set you down on his lap, stroking your cheek once more before tilting your chin up with a singular claw. “You know I love you, right?”

You let a sad smile slip through and peck the corner of his screen. “I love you too.”

Vox pulled you into him again, red streaks appearing down the side of his screen for the last time. “Good.”

©lqveharrington - all rights reserved. do not copy, translate or share my work on other media platforms

[dnd-writes]

Way of Water

AO3

Tags: Power bottom!Eunbi, back-up dancer!reader, watersports, deepthroating, BFH

Warning: Watersports. I mean come on, waterbomb, watersports, I had to plus I couldn't think of anything else and I just really wanted to write Eunbi after seeing those clips

A/N: Never did I think I would write Eunbi so soon nor did I think that I would *not* write subby Eunbi. She's just that great. So... yeah, enjoy!

Also I used the "Door" performance as inspiration. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CBUzWUSVSM I don't know if this works honestly, I don't really Tumblr. I'll fix it when I wake up... maybe

“🎶 Just stay right by my side. Woo woo woo woo woo woo yeah 🎶”

‘Ok, next part is coming up. Just go up to her then go back to the side. Easy. Simple.’ You don’t know why you’re reassuring yourself so much or why you’re even hesitating in the first place. You’ve done this song, this dance, this particular move dozens of times on stage, at least hundreds in practice. Yet here you are, acting like a complete newbie doing his first performance ever. 

Eunbi runs back up the catwalk towards the main stage after finishing the second chorus of the song. Her wet, bikini-clad chest bounces around and it feels like time is slowing down, water falls from the sky so gently it feels like you could count every droplet in your vicinity. Eunbi’s breasts bounce hypnotically underneath the near-nonexistent top hugging her body, you’ve seen them jiggle and shake a thousand times before and not once have you thought about Eunbi sexually in any way but something about this current moment makes it different. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re seeing her cleavage in full or maybe it’s all the water being sprayed on her that’s awakening something you never knew you had in you.

And just like that time zooms forward and you’re back to the present. Eunbi runs back up the catwalk towards the main stage after finishing the second chorus of the song. She hurries over to a dancer then clings onto his nape as she starts singing her next line.

“🎶 Neowa 🎶 na sai 🎶 “

That’s your cue to move over. ‘Easy, simple,’ you repeat to yourself. ‘Just let her guide me, just flow with the music.’ It really isn’t that hard, just one step, one simple step that you’ve practiced for hours.

“🎶 aseulhan seoneul balbeun jigeum 🎶”

You let Eunbi pull you in close to her then her leg wraps around you. At that moment you feel the world just completely stop, not even slowing down like you felt earlier but rather completely still. Your face is an inch from her chest, it’s a position you’re completely familiar with but given the circumstances it feels so brand new. Though your face is looking away, your eyes aren’t. You peek over and standing there is Eunbi’s soft, massive chest in all its glory. Seeing it glistening with all the water turned you on instantly and gave your brain ideas you never thought it would make.

And how could you forget her leg, your eyes focused so much on her tits that you forgot the leg wrapped around you. To say your brain went into overdrive is an understatement because the moment it realizes Eunbi wrapped around you, the amount of nasty perverted thoughts more than just doubled. Your brain explodes then just like that you’re out of that fever dream.

Eunbi kicks the leg wrapped around you and in unison you drop to the ground. Your professionalism went back in gear but half your brain focuses on the choreography and the other incessantly sexualizes Eunbi causing you to slip up your dancing here and there, thankfully, as a backup dancer no one really pays much attention to you. And besides, it’s a water festival, you can always blame mishaps on the slippery stage.

For the rest of the song and the rest of Eunbi’s set at Waterbomb, you never had any moment as visceral or powerful as the ones during “Door,” there was a close call during “Glitch” but you held your cool.

You and the other dancers exit as Eunbi bids goodbye to the audience. All your friends look so jolly and hyper, bouncing and jumping around after performing multiple stages, meanwhile your face is blank. With your mind no longer half-occupied with dancing perfectly, lewd thoughts about Eunbi start to rot your head.

“That was so fun!”

“Can’t wait to do it again!” “I wish every stage was like this now…”

Several cheers erupt from the group as you all head over to the green room. “Hey, man, you doing good?” It takes a while for your brain to register that you are the one being talked to, you raise your head to see your friends stop in their tracks, all worriedly looking at you. You give them a soft smile and a passable excuse, “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just… a little more tired than usual. I think I’ll just stay here for a bit.”

One of them pats you on the back, “What a bummer. Just rest, we all worked so hard today. Well if you need us we’ll just be outside watching the other performances, ‘kay?” You give a quick nod and wave them off as they disappear from view.

You enter the room and the cold air blasts your face, despite how cold it is inside your body feels the opposite. You try to stand right in front of the A/C, your ears start to hurt but inside you still can’t feel the chill. An idea pops into your head and you sprint for the mini-fridge on the other side of the room. The thing is packed with cold water bottles. You take a sip and sigh in relief as you feel the cool travel down your throat, but it still isn’t enough. You sip, you gulp, you down a full bottle, then a second, then a third, then a fourth. Endless stream of chill flows in your body but you still feel the heat, the problem isn’t with your face, in your throat, or in your stomach, no, it’s much deeper down and it doesn’t need acquisition to be cooled.

“Hey, there you are,” shouts a familiar voice. You quickly turn around and see the root of your problem, Eunbi. Standing there dripping wet, cardigan completely drenched, tits fully exposed, you don’t know whether to call yourself lucky or unlucky to be in this situation right now.

You’re not sure if it’s your mind messing with you or you’re actually looking at reality but with every step that Eunbi takes towards you, you swear you could see her chest bounce. “The others said you weren’t feeling well so I came to check on you.”

“T-That’s sweet of you. I-I mean, yeah I’m fine.” Eunbi finally gets right in front of you, even though you’re taller than her your eyes are looking way lower than where they normally would be at. You try to maintain eye contact but it’s like your pupils are too heavy for your own good, always falling and resting in Eunbi’s cleavage, just up and down and up and down. Similarly, Eunbi looks down, you follow her gaze towards the prominent bulge at your crotch.

“I-I’m sorry, it’s just… the outfit and, and, and the water and–” You try to turn away and apologize but Eunbi plants her hands firmly on your shoulders and makes you face her, she looks you dead in the eyes and… flashes you a smile? “Look, it’s ok. You don’t have to apologize. You know what? The others are upstairs having fun. Why don’t we… have some fun… of our own?”

You’re at a loss for words. Is this really happening? Is Eunbi really asking you to fuck her or did you somehow pass out and start imagining that Eunbi is asking you to fuck her. Whether it’s a dream or reality you happily nod and oblige.

Eunbi takes your hand and pulls you into the small bathroom nearby. You don’t even take the time to look around, instead you quickly get on the toilet seat while Eunbi kneels in front of you.

Eunbi palms your crotch through your jeans and you squirm at the action, not because you almost came but rather something else is begging to be released. You notice Eunbi give off a devilish smirk at your movement and you nervously chuckle at what she might have planned for you.

“Well we won’t be needing these anymore.” Eunbi takes off her near see through top then shortly after her bikini, not wasting a single second on foreplay. Her tits bounce out now that they’re freely in the open air, looking bigger than in any outfit you’ve ever seen her wear. Well you’re certain what to call your situation right now – lucky – Men and women alike would kill to be anywhere close to your position.

“Or these.” She quickly unzips your pants and tugs both it and your underwear down. You help her out by lifting your butt and pulling down with her. Your cock springs free and Eunbi doesn’t hesitate and begins jerking you off slowly. Her other hand, meanwhile, goes above your dick and presses lightly on it. You squirm just like earlier, finally confirming her suspicions. 

“You look so full, baby. All that water you drank is already making its way down, isn’t it? Don’t you just want to let go? I heard peeing feels just as refreshing as cumming, why don’t we test that? C’mon, baby, just give it all to me. Let me feel that hot piss on me, baby.”

Pissing during sex hasn’t ever occurred to you before in your life, you’d think it’d turn you off but you’re harder than you’ve ever been your whole life. Despite your dick clearly wanting this to happen, your brain is still in denial over such a taboo. Eunbi’s basically begging for you to pee on her and yet you somehow won’t.

Eunbi presses down on your bladder but not too much, she wants you to pee but she doesn’t want to force it out of you. Perhaps there’s a middle ground. “Come on, baby. Don’t you want to see me covered in your piss? Soak my hair, coat my perfect tits and face. I just know you want to do it, maybe you just need some convincing?”

Then what is possible the hottest thing you never knew you needed happens – Eunbi starts pissing all over the floor. She moans as she empties her bladder, you feel a pool forming beneath you as the hot liquid surrounds your feet.. “You hear that, baby? I wanna hear that from you too. Come on, give it to me. I know you want to.” The sound echoes around the tiny area and it’s just the trick to send you over the edge.

As soon as the first trail of yellow comes out of your tip, Eunbi aims your dick at herself, treating it like a hose and showering herself in every place. First, she coats her tits in light sheen, just the sight you needed to see ever since that close-up view you had of her chest; Second, she aims it at her face, letting pee get into her hair and having it drip down her chin and neck; Lastly, Eunbi opens her mouth and takes your cock inside while it’s still gushing.

Eunbi bobbing her head up and down, sucking on your dick while gulping every single drop as fast as you give it to her. You feel like you’re in heaven. Just moments ago you were hesitant, not even entertaining the thought of pissing while having sex but here you are relishing at the sight of Eunbi drinking the contents of your bladder while also deepthroating you. Who knew that the modest Eunbi would ever be this skillful at something like this?

Your bladder finally empties the remaining urine into Eunbi’s mouth and not once did a single drop escape her lips. erent liquid is begging for its release.

Eunbi stops sucking and replaces her mouth with her hands after no longer receiving any piss. “Give it to me, baby. You wanna coat these tits, don’t you? You wanna cum on me and smear it all over my perfect face?” This time you don’t hold back, you let your cum fly as if it was just like piss. Your vision goes white and so does Eunbi, ropes shoot out and cover just about everything it could reach – Eunbi’s hair, her face, her chin, her neck, her tits. You slowly descend from heaven and the sight before you makes it seem like you haven’t. Eunbi uses the tip of your cock like a brush and spreads the cum all over her skin. She’s mixing a combo of piss, sweat, water, spit, and cum all over herself and the concoction coating her tits makes you hard and ready to cum again.

Eunbi stands up and her own piss is dripping from her skirt. “Ready for round 2, baby?”

[twistedwonderlandsimps]

Technomaniac!Yuu

I'm just here to mix-and-match different kinds of Yuus with different kinds of personalities to see what monstrosity I can make. That being said,,, Technomaniac!Yuu brainrot! 

So basically this Yuu belongs in the High Fantasy Yuuniverse on the human side and they’re absolutely obsessed with technology and becomes unhinged when creating stuff. 

Mayhaps their family ran a robot-related business or a machine-creating business and that’s where their obsession started. Maybe Yuu’s obsession further increased due to the fact that they were a human being in a world full of otherworldly creatures.

In a world of high fantasy, there’s bound to be differing opinions and speciesism can’t be avoided. 

Some creatures thought humans were inferior due to their short lifespans. That they were greedy and ignorant. Some humans were even prejudiced to their own kind. Others thought humans in a more positive light, the fact that they were versatile and determined when it comes to things.

So Yuu with no magic and no super powers strived to be the best in the only thing they knew they could fully control and wanted to prove to everyone that humans weren’t inferior, thus beginning their obsession.

This Yuu has this cute little drone hovering over them all the time because I said so. The drone’s very expressive and acts as a kind of assistant for Yuu. 

So anyway, the day of the entrance ceremony?

Forget Grim opening the coffin, Yuu just ordered the drone to laser through the lid and then kicked it open. 

Seeing this, Grim became startled but then soon after demanded their robe.

“Beep! Threat detected! Determining threat level, please wait… Threat level determined. Warning: Threat level 5, initiating self-defense protocol.” The drone hovering over Yuu’s shoulder turned to an alarming shade of red but before it could do anything, Yuu waved them off gently. “Stand down, A1.”

Yeah, the little drone’s called A1 meaning Assistant 1.

Thankfully, a battle between the force of fire and laser never happened since Yuu saw no reason to wear the ceremonial robe because they felt their clothes were much better and gave it to Grim but only on the condition that Grim become their second assistant.

Grim, too focused on acquiring the robe at all cost, didn’t notice Yuu’s condition.

Anyway, guess what Grim’s nickname is. Yeah, that’s right. It’s A2 for Assistant 2.

Let it be known Technomaniac!Yuu has no penchant for naming. All that’s in their brain is making technological stuff.

I just suddenly thought of Yuu having Doofenshmirtz penchant for naming, just slapping ‘-inator’ at the end of their creation’s names.

Can you imagine an overblot and Yuu just pulls out this strange device and introduces it like:

Yuu: “Behold! Marvel at my ‘Insta-Knockout SlumberBlaster 3000-inator!’ Riddle’s going to definitely go down with this in just one hit!” A1: “With only an approximate 63% chance of dealing concussion! A massive improvement from the previous trials!”  Ace: “Excuse me, only 63%? Wait— Previous trials? Yuu, who did you test it on for you to get that statistic? Yuu? Yuu, come back here! Who did you test it on?! Yuu!”

Another overblot scenario would be…

A1: “Beep! Threat detected! Determining threat level, please wait…” Someone: “W… Why do you need to determine his threat level??? He’s literally about to kill us???” Yuu: “No, no, let my child cook.” A1: “Threat level determined. Warning: Threat level 10. Suggesting course of action: Run.” Yuu: “Okay, now we run.”

Let’s not forget holograms!

Imagine Deuce seeing Yuu facing away from him in the distance so he runs over to them and tries to gain their attention. He tries to tap Yuu’s shoulder but their hand just goes over Yuu’s form, leaving a slight glitch-like effect where Deuce’s hand passes through.

Hologram Yuu looks over to Deuce and says:

“Alas, as I am not here, I disappear.”

Then throws out a peace sign before slowly fading away while still maintaining eye contact.

Now that I think about it, on the first day of their janitorial duties, Yuu was able to make a weird-looking cleaning device out of metal scraps and pieces they found in Ramshackle and it somehow worked.

Well, for the most part anyway. 

Having no windows technically meant nothing to clean so in a way Yuu was doing their job, yes?

Yeah, Yuu broke a few windows and may have contributed to the chandelier also breaking that day so Deuce ain’t the only one at fault for this.

Speaking of, Ace’s first meeting with Yuu.

When he was introducing the Statues of the Great Seven to Grim and Yuu, Yuu turned to him and asked in the most serious voice possible if Ace wanted the statues to be animated by turning it into animatronics.

Ace barely managed to stop Yuu from dismembering the statues.

Technomaniac Yuu at literally everything they can see: “I can make it better!”

Giving broken things to Technomaniac!Yuu to be fixed is a gamble. 

Oh, a toaster? Well, you either get a completely fixed toaster that’s a bit better with warming your bread than before or it turns into a charcoal-maker. There is no inbetween.

Your phone? Oops, might’ve accidentally turned the flashlight function into a flashbang, teehee.

Technomaniac!Yuu is basically the tech support of NRC.\

Or more like tech terror. Tech-rorr, get it? I’m so funny.

Speaking of NRC, Yuu got banned from going to Ignihyde dorm.

That’s because they got too excited seeing all the new devices and technology they haven’t seen before in the dorm and kind of dismantled almost everything to see how it worked.

Ooooo, now that I’m thinking of it, cybernetic body modifications!

Like, what if they got severely injured against one of the overblot boys? Lost a limb or two? Or maybe they already had cybernetic body modifications even before they arrived in Twisted Wonderland.

Imagine them having an arm kinda similar to the robot arm Princess Bubblegum gifted Finn with the various power tools/weapons functions. There’s probably a rocket launcher function around there somewhere.

 Rook tries to stalk Technomaniac!Yuu but it always ends up being a hologram. Why do you think Rook calls them Trickster?

Wait, can you imagine the dynamic between Technomaniac!Yuu and Malleus?

One’s so bad at technology while the other’s the complete opposite.

Yuu asks Malleus if he wants his phone to be upgraded and suddenly Malleus’ phone has a built-in taser, ultra hd 4k graphics camera and video resolution, live tamagotchi game synchronization and surveillance, 24/7 AI assistance, unlimited wifi, faster internet speed, ultra deluxe storage expansion, the strongest antivirus known to to mankind, and Malleus still doesn’t know how to use his phone.

Yuu learns Briar Valley has technomancy and they’re immediately putting that place as a vacation spot because hello? Combining magic and technology? Can you imagine all the things they could create with those two forces combined? They’d be unstoppable!

Also, the Magicam Monsters stand no chance against Technomaniac!Yuu.

The moment those suckers break into Ramshackle, Yuu would immediately interfere with their gadgets and kick them out if they’re feeling merciful.

If not, well, say hello to the most vengeful virus they’ve ever met in their lives. 

No matter what gadget they change into, the virus will always follow them everywhere in the cyberspace network and break their devices or cause them the most annoying inconveniences. 

Slow internet? You betcha! Wifi symbol on but internet not coming through? Why, it happens almost every other day! Apps failing to open at the most crucial time? Lmao, rofl.

Speaking of gadget, Cater probably asks Yuu to upgrade his phone so he can take better selfies.

Thankfully the upgrade was a success and nothing exploded.

Yuu: “Well, here’s your phone, Cater! New and improved with better camera quality, efficiency, and effectiveness! Also, I hope you don’t mind but I also added an app that I occasionally use called Therapy Bot. Free of charge!” Cater: “Thanks, Yuu! Wait—” Yuu, looking around and leaning in to whisper: “Between you and me, I think everyone in this school could really benefit from Therapy Bot.”

Technomaniac!Yuu the most unhinged yet one of the most sane Yuu variants out there.

[quitealotofsodapop]

So Mk gets surprise eggo because of paint and confined space and lack of food? Imagine that he has no idea what’s wrong with him, he goes to Lao Tzu, and when Lao Tzu goes “congrats on the baby” Everyone just kinda stops.

And Mk bursts into tears so loudly that all of heaven can hear. He’s all “I can’t have a baby, it’s too dangerous!” And “I’m not ready!” Pigsy and Wukong are trying to comfort him, and the poor boys is just a sobbing mess.

And Lao Tzu is just standing there like “?????”

Sorry MK XD You're getting Egged

Bonus Anon asks:

Referencing this post where someone pointed out that MK could theoretically create a Stone Egg + the sequel that pointed out that he'd most likely do it on accident.

I could see this most likely happening in the Canon! verse since I bet the other au MK's would be more wary of Stone Egg mishaps. But I could 100% see it happening in the SlowBoiled au since that causes more drama.

And as much as I love the idea of MK becoming *ahem* egg'd as the result of a bad guy's plans or a huge catarosphe, I think it would fit more if MK did it completely on accident.

So the idea:

Post S3 MK decides that he needs some "Me time" and takes a break from work and training after the whole "Saving the world from a bone demon"-thing. He just needs some time to shut off completely from his responsibilities in the city. His friends understand and wish him well, even though they're worried since MK won't tell him *Where* he's taking a break to.

"Where" turns out to be a cool cave-let MK found while exploring FFM during S2 with no Monkey King to hover over him. Its quiet, it's secluded, its completely off-grid... But MK just can't relax. His brain is all busy, and everytime he sleeps he sees Her.

So he starts painting. And drawing. And using charcoal. Maybe a little rough pottery with the muddy clay-like stuff in the water? And soon enough he's looking like his Artist Clone with how caked in material he is.

In liu of going to sleep and risking terrible bone demon nightmares, MK meditates like how he saw the Monkey King do. In these moments his thoughts wander into deep, dark teritory. Real "call of the void"-type of thoughts.... hey should he eat something? It's been... oh gosh Pigsy's gonna killl him if he doesn't at least text to tell him how his sabbatical is going.

After his inpromtu vacation is up, MK feels... really gross? Maybe thats cus he hasn't really washed or slept or ate, or spoken to anyone in all that time. Weird.

Pigsy asks him how long it's been since MK last ate a full meal, and huffs with disappointment at his nervous laugh before pouring his son a bowl of noodles.

Bouts of nausea and dizziness follow MK everywhere afterwards. He had no idea why - paint fumes maybe? Did some toxic chemical seep into his skin? Did he get sick somehow from isolating himself in that cave? Is that Jin and Yin trying to take over the city?

At somepoint in the utter chaos of S4 likely as the rest of the gang are recieving training from Subodhi; a certain alchemist meets MK to whisper a few questions into his ear.

Lao Tzu: "I was told that you've been experiencing extreme power fluctuations for the last few weeks. May I run a few test to rule out any abnormalities?"

MK: "Oh cool, no probs! Just don't put me in that furnace thing-y."

(*a few tests later*)

Lao Tzu: "Ok great news, it's not a curse or medical problem."

MK: "Phew! Then why is my body feels like its "glitching" all the time?"

Lao Tzu: "Thats a decaying glamour spell. Its likely that you had one affixed to you shortly before you were given up by your creators."

MK: "Glamour spell...? Wait, then what about my powers wigging out?"

Lao Tzu: "Oh thats easy. You're just pregnant."

MK (has not Done the Do): "What!?"

Mere seconds after Lao Tzu gives the diagnosis - MK just starts bawling.

He doesn't want this! Not now! He does want to have kid while all This is going on! The world might be ending for Buddha's sake!

MK is having a million panic attacks rn. He wants to have kids, so many, but only in the *Future*! When he's like semi-retired and has a protege of his own to take over the monkey business- HEY WAIT, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!

Subodhi has to drop the big lore that MK is a Stone Monkey - capable of reproducing asexually under extreme circumstances, in order to clear up the whole immaculate conception part.

Then Lao Tzu has to tell MK that the Stone Egg he carries will likely Kill him since he's (mostly) mortal.

MK starts crying before deciding to tackle the issue Later.

Ofc MK simply doesn't want his family to worry about him what with all this Brotherhood stuff going on... so he just keeps quiet for now.

His family are going to find out soon though. And by Guanyin, Pigsy is gonna freak.

Macaque (and later Wukong), just need to sniff MK once after they reunite to notice whats up.

Wukong offers to grab some No-Baby Spring Water immediately if MK doesnt want to keep the Egg. Macaque briefly panics thinking that the kid got knocked up the old-fashioned way... only to panic harder when he and Wukong determine it to be a Solo-Made Stone Egg(!!!). Cue two panicking fellow Stone Monkeys making MK feel even worse about his conflicted feelings on the matter.

Pls add on what you think so far! :3

[super-secret-clown-corner]

hey did anyone ask for a heavily biased list of s3 worldbuilding headcannons and how i think some of the lifesteal guys interact with each other? no? too bad i was force fed half of this by my brain while trying to go to sleep

cut for length bc it's long sorry not sorry

clownpierce

of course i have to start with clown he is like a bug to me and i'm putting him under a microscope

he is a BEAST. a CREATURE even.

aka he's from the void but no one except ash knows that

the deranged discord thoughts at 2 am said clown is from the void bc everywhere he goes he brings death. he kills. it’s what he does. he kills and he’s fuckin great at it. do you hear me. do you understand.

covered from head to toe in clothing to hide the fact he's from the void. there's a constant slight chill that surrounds him and it's only really noticeable when someone's almost touching him

he never lets anyone get that close anyway besides the occasional handshake or smth bc yeah anyone would be uncomfortable if someone was standing inches away from you. he plays off the cold hands with a poor blood circulation excuse if anyone asks

if he did show skin, his silhouette would be like a black hole where it's completely pitch black, and depending on the angle, he either appears 2d or 3d (very disorienting and unnerving)

this guy does not have a single stable relationship to fall back on. he allies with people for power and not for comradery, and it is So Hard for him to tear down the dozens of walls he keeps up around him because he often finds that when he does, he gets betrayed and left in the dust (mob anon from lifesteal headcannons i am thinking so hard about your submission)

plus it's hard for him to know whether or not this person is allying with him because he's The Deadliest Assassin Blah Blah Blah and they want that safety net/protection or if they genuinely want to ally with him

it takes him a long time to fully trust branzy, and even then he doesn't open up to him about his personal stuff

the mask stays On. Constantly. doesn't matter how much he trusts someone he will never willingly show his face

he and red have a friendly rivalry with the heart economy side of lifesteal, they're both competing for the title of strongest/holder of most hearts or smth like that

ashswag

dude used to be a normal guy way way way way before lifesteal events n stuff but then he fell into the void and came back Wrong

basically instead of dying instantly, he survived for a little bit longer than usual, broke through reality, and saw that everything is just a simulation and everyone is just code, including himself

that fucked him up bad physically and mentally, and his left side is all glitched and void-like now (chronic pain coded)

dude is technically immortal but he never really tested losing all of his hearts yet

he knows that clown is from the void because he knows what the void feels like and is hypertuned to it, and to him, clown RADIATES it like a space heater. he can't stand too close to him and has to have at least one person's width between them. he hasn't confronted clown about it though because he knows when to keep his mouth shut

being close to the void for him hurts in an ocular migraine type way, but he typically pushes through it when he's down at bedrock level or in the end

he doesn't make stable relationships with people because he doesn't really see the point in them

nihilism 100

whatever side he aligns with is usually the one causing the most chaos

branzycraft

evil little meow meow

let him be angry. let him have rage.

he is Just Some Guy (aka normal ass human) but he is so smart

not a fighter but he is a builder and a damn good one at that

need a trap that is sure to kill? branzy

very good at getting the fuck out of situations that would've killed him if he didn't immediately dip when he did

based on vibes alone, early s3 branzy would so be friends with subz and vitalasy (which i think actually happens so i win)

i need branzy to be envious of clown's fighting skill and heart count before he starts warming up to him. please where is the slow burn.

falls out with subz and vitalasy when he starts allying with clown and co, and especially when he tricks vitalasy into the funhouse

during the cleansing when the dirties and team chaos are relatively working together, vitalasy tries to reconcile and pull branzy away from team chaos, but branzy's lost in the power sauce

he and rek are Just Some Guy buddies who exchange near-death experience stories (i need more branzy and rek friendship please please please please please p)

i am ace beaming your clownzy mwahahaha

leowook

strap in boys because have you considered the tension between clown and leo after mob falls (once again mob anon from lifesteal headcannons i am thinking so hard about your submission)

they were tight. they were bros. they were homies. leo was the only person clown felt like he could confide in during mob. and then leo turned coats. i'm SO NORMAL.

clown has NOT forgiven him

super duper a cyborg. he's a tnt minecart pvper he had to have blown off his limbs at some point /silly

but yeah his limbs are mechanical, along with one of his eyes. can't really see it though bc he constantly wears a mask, long sleeves, pants, and gloves. i'll probably default to his left eye if i ever draw leowook face

he and red feel like they would be friends based on vibes

still works/allies with zam after mob in an attempt to go back to what he lost

slaps roof of leowook this bad boy can fit so much mob angst inside of it

princezam

certified Thing. don't know what, he just is

has loony toons vibes. to me.

so annoyingly positive in the eyes of the others, they all want to punch him at least once

hero complex 100

dude just manages to rizz his way into teams

zam is smart. he knows what he's doing.

ok actual serious hcs bro has the most worldbuilding in his explanation tbh

in my head, lifesteal is this independent port city-state that was originally run by everyone and acted as a free, international trade center. zam is the crown prince of the neighboring territory surrounding the city, and when mob started gaining serious power, he charmed his way into working with them.

the deal he struck with mob is that if he wanted to join, lifesteal wouldn't be a part of zam's kingdom and all of his actions in mob were separate from his actions as the prince. it worked out relatively well for both of them: mob got a powerful ally with good political/funding power, and zam got to play hero and get involved with lifesteal politics

when mob fell, he initially respected their previous agreement where he wouldn't play prince in lifesteal, but when heart economics grew too unbalanced in his eyes, he decided to annex the city and then start the cleansing

nobody enjoyed zam annexing the territory, and especially not when his first order of business was to have everyone over ten hearts withdraw and bank them to evenly distribute to people with less than ten hearts

gonna pause here for now bc i feel like if i tried listing another character, it wouldn't have the same heart behind it as these guys do. if anyone does wanna see another silly that i didn't get to here, feel free to shoot me an ask or smth idm :]

fuck cringe i am having a blast i love worldbuilding

[azuremliam]

My brain is really sleepy rn but pretty full on thoughts about The Boss. Let's see if I can get words™ to work properly. Lot's of rambling under the readmore 👍

I know that they're implied to rule over the "light and dark" over the multiverses but their appearance and their position over all the other cosmic beings gives the vibes of more overseeing "Order and Chaos" + a bit of neutral vibes.

And that color scheme they got going on, specially that gold! (Gold Stars even hah) Makes me wonder if- since they're in charge of everything and feel like they've been around for a long time- if they're potentially originated from a Primordial or something that's been around since the start of nothing?

We don't know that much about Primordials besides that a lot of them have a disdain for living creatures in the universes/just plain tormenting them for their own amusement.

But that's just like??? two of the ones we know about. Other Primordials could've had other agendas or views on the newly formed universes and creatures living in it.

And with the Lich potentially being a transformed one (got lucky I guess, with consuming a comet and getting a new form of ironic life) brings up the thought that what if other Primordials turned into other forms of existence, even "ascended" into Cosmic Beings if they really wanted to? They feel like they range from various amounts of power from Orgalorg being pretty decently managed by Finn and Grob Gob Glob Grog, to Coconteppi having pretty menacing magical powers (even after possessing Peppermint!). But with only two examples its hard to pinpoint the extent Primordials' capabilities are.

Besides being deathless and existing even after their physical forms get ditched.

If The Boss is/was one then they'd probably be a pretty powerful one given the extent of overseeing Cosmic Beings that have various potential over the top powers as well. And how Prismo and Orbo both go "ah shoot" when thinking mentioning them.

-

Speaking of Prismo and Orbo, that brings me to that whole interaction concerning them and The Boss.

Even before Fionna and Cake, with the ordeal with Farm World. Prismo would've for sure gotten in trouble with them had it not been resolved. And man does he know it.

And then with Orbo's reaction to when Scarab mentions talking to The Boss about Prismo.

With Orbo being a boss, he's probably seen them "drop the hammer" on other cosmic beings- and likely knows that there's no 'getting a light slap on the hand' and going about your day like nothing happened.

Maybe even to the point where the cosmic being in question might be deemed to have their existence- well- cease to exist and a new being chosen to replace them.

So with that in mind, it really feels like he's trying to stall for Prismo. He doesn't want his buddy to turning into cosmic dust or something like that. And who knows, maybe he was also hoping that the situation would resolve itself like it did with Farmworld Enchiridion situation?

But anyways. Hell, Orbo immediately bumps him into a different area the moment he brings up calling their boss. Really feels like he doesn't want Scarab to bring him to The Boss's attention because there's no escaping that once you're on that "in serious trouble" radar.

And when Scarab doesn't let up on his mission- Orbo's probably thinking "WELL DAMN DUDE, you got no chill. Gonna have to deal with this myself so Prismo can have a chance to fix things and the boss doesn't notice yet."

Before getting interrupted by The Boss who most definitely caught wind of things, and wanted to get to solving the issue already. All those glitches in the multiverses Fionna and Cake popped in are probably not discreet. That "Aw nuts, it's the boss!" really makes it feel that once The Boss knows something's up- no getting outta it.

Also, yes, it's pretty much Orbo playing favorites, definitely. No denying that.

But feels like he's not out to get Scarab personally- just more like "SHHHHH- SHHH SHUT UP DUDE YOU'RE GONNA GET PRISMO IN TROUBLE" and Scarab is "OF COURSE- I WANT HIM TO GET IN TROUBLE"

And those calls for other god auditing jobs might've also been Orbo trying to have a reason to summon him up to that Cosmic waiting room, who knows? Point is, once you're in trouble with The Boss. You're IN trouble.

The Boss feels like the kind of being that goes "Let's see how this plays out" to "You messed up, now you got to own up to it- no excuses" and "Things are in order now, no need to hassle these people/this world". Given how they tell Scarab to stop when Fionna's universe gets legit BUT also transporting Scarab easily to where Simon is so he could properly do his job when it wasn't.

And if Scarab has succeeded, and Golbetty not interfered and authorized Fionna's universe, then Prismo most likely would've faced serious consequences for his unauthorized universe.

But since things worked out, because of Golbetty giving the seal of approval on the universe, they pretty much just went, "Okay then, no need to deal with this. It's authorized. Drop it and go back to doing your other missions."

Besides the point, but I'd be endlessly amused if they show this dramatic reveal of The Boss in season two and they're just -

on a pedestal or something. Hahah they're PrimorDial

[harringrieve]

I FUCKING POSTED THIS ON MY MAIN FIRST💀💀💀

Anyway, after a bout of ennui, I grabbed this from my notes drafts bc it started glitching and I’m nervous it’ll delete smth by accident

Somewhere btwn s3/4 I THINK, in a govt hospital wing

“Whaddayou doin here, Harring-har-“

The word seems to get stuck malfunctioning somewhere between his brain and his mouth, as he blinks tiredly, still trying to figure out where the fuck he actually is.

“Oh you know”, gestures around with the folded magazine in his hand, “just uh, makin sure the scientists don’t, like, cart you off to, a- a different secret lab or somethin”

Lab? His tongue is dry and sticking to the roof of his mouth. Scientists? Billy’s brain fuzzily processes what Harrington’s insinuating, the alarm creeping up slowly.

“…..That’s a concern?”

“Oh yeah, big time. Also you’re lucky you woke up when you did, Nancy was supposed to take over next watch shift, and she’s not NEARLY as uh…..chipper as I am.”

“That so.”

“Yeah, no, I think Click-clack is givin her guff for some thing she submitted? I don’t know, she’s tetchy.”

“Have no idea what that means, also quick question-”

“Yeah”

“What the fuck is goin on?”

Harrington’s eyebrows raise as he puffs his cheeks and blows out a big breath,

“Oh jeez man, I don’t think I have enough- fuckin like, brain power to get into the whole thing right now-“

“Ugh, figures”, Billy shuts his eyes again and rests his head back, suddenly over being awake.

“Wh-hey, fuck you, I could be at home right now, instead of this creepy ass lair, but no, we gotta make sure Billy Hargrove doesn’t get vanished by the government.”

Lair? where are they? Harrington doesn’t seem that married to the petulant shit he’s saying anyway, it feels like it’s more just to have something to do. In any other situation Billy would feed the fuck into this, enjoy every button he’s pushing, but FUCK is he tired. His whole body feels like fuzzy static. Fuzzy achy static.

“She’s helping Murray set something up for you”

“What?” His face kinda hurts when his brows twist, giving up his half-assed attempt at sleep.

“Nancy,” he clarifies, “we had a whole exit strategy to get you outta here when you woke up. Get you like, back on your feet and fuck off into the sunset or whatever Max thinks you where gunna do”

Max.

“…….Why are you doin all this?” It’s barely a question really, more like a blank murmur, devoid of any inflection that could give Harrington the slightest hope of gauging Billy’s emotional state.

Steve heaves another slow measured breath, and looks slightly away from Billy, as if to try to remember why himself.

He blinks a few times, makes a vague shrugging gesture with like, the upper half of his body, then shakes his head a little, “Cause fuck these guys.”

Billy almost choked a little, deigning to open his eyes again and glance over.

“Yeah?” He asks with an audibly and visually confused smile, like he’s trying not to laugh at the ridiculous nature of Steve’s statement.

“Yeah, everything’s been their fault for like three years now. I’ve fought shit I wouldn’t put my worst enemies against. Fuckin vile.” He slumps back a bit, “You’re a dick, but like,…” he doesn’t seem to really have much of an answer past that, “Fuck em.”

[later]

“Maaan, Pick a story asshole, either I’m a slut who can’t be friends with girls, or I’m a freak loser, make up your mind”

[Robin walks in]

“What are we talking about?” She sounds like a mix of horrified, delighted, and grossly intrigued.

“He thinks we’re like,” gesturing between himself and Robin, “-secretly in love, or dating, or something”

Robins face scrunches up, “Ew.”

Steve makes a wide sweeping gesture at her, “THATS WHAT I SAID!”, and looks pointedly back at Billy, as if to say, ‘There, see?’

“Jesus, alright, you’re both undateable losers.”

“Oh, he has no problem getting dates-“ completely disregarding and breezing past Billy’s direct insult to her dateability

“The fuck, Rob-“

“Oh yeah?” He smiles, encouraging whatever sly shit she’s onto.

“I don’t know what you guys where sayin earlier about him bein a slut, but it’s not factually incorrect.”

Billy’s well-known cackle bursts outta him for the first time in months.

Steve just seems to deflate with the power of his sigh, arms momentarily thrown up in the air in defeat before landing down against his jeans with a pointed SLAP as he sinks further down into the uncomfortable chair he’s been lounging in this entire time.

“Rob, what are you even doin here-“ he starts off, obviously trying to divert the topic of conversation, god he’s so whiney sometimes, Billy’s kinda obsessed with it, “wait-HOW are you even here?” His tone switches to confused disbeleif, eyeing her with confusion.

“I own a bike, dingus, and I have functioning legs.”

His eyebrows screw together, “You live like, ten minutes by car from here- whaddoyoumean you ‘rode your bike’, it’s like 90 degrees out-“ he flings an arm out towards the windowless wall.

“Jeez, okay mom, I-“

“Have you had anything to drink? Are you even wearing sunscreen?”

“I’m fine! It’s nice out-“

“It’s the middle of august !”

“It’s the beginning of august, first of all-“

“Heat strokes not a joke Bobbin, you can get-“

“Yes I know, Stevert, I’m in band, I’m outside wearing synthetic hell clothes for practice all summer-“

“Yeah, standing, not biking who knows how many miles uphill in the sun.”

Billy finally interjects, “Jesus I take it back, you’re obviously divorced.”

He gets twin looks of scandal.

“How dare you, first of all-“

“I would never-“

Billy just snorts and settles back into his sheets, “Sure, whatever.”

After a moment of silence

“Actually, Nancy dropped me off on the way to Forrest hills.”

“Oh, you bitch.” Steve breathes out right before Robin breaks out laughing.

Robin and Steve continue sniping back and forth, this time in Italian, Steve rapid-fire, Robin more careful and deliberate.

[blackjackkent]

OK, took a long rest before resuming Hector's adventures; a couple of interesting camp developments:

First of all, there was no cutscene, but when we woke up, Jaheira announced, apropos of nothing that I could discern, "Turned to mist. The spawn share in some portion of their master's power."

I'm not sure what to make of this. Was there a cutscene that got bugged out? Or am I supposed to interpret this to mean that Cazador's people were hanging around our camp and got spooked by the sun rising? Perplexing.

Second, I just noticed that Volo hasn't been around since Act 3 started, and apparently he left a note!

LOL. I'm not surprised he finally bailed. All he ever wanted to talk to me about whenever I tried to interact with him was his ocular surgery plan, which Hector was never going to go for. I guess this means we'll run into him again somewhere in the city though.

Third, a brief dialogue option with Jaheira. Hector said, "You mentioned there might be another way to find Minsc," and she answered, "There might be, but... it is not a path I'd tread until we must. Let it wait until the city proper. Perhaps I'll have had a better idea by then."

Apparently my assumption that we were in the city once we got past that first watcher at the gate was incorrect. Sadly this also seems to mean we can't immediately boot finding Minsc to the top of the priority pile since I don't yet know where the entrance to the "city proper" even is yet.

Fourth, a VERY interesting conversation with Astarion:

Hector: "I want to discuss the Astral-Touched Tadpole."

Astarion: "We both know what it is capable of. But I'm not touching it."

Hector, more than a little surprised by this: "Unlike you to be so unwilling to receive a new power..."

Astarion: "That was before I knew the cost. Before I knew it meant transforming into some grotesque beast. I remember how it hurt when I turned into a vampire. My body writhed and warped while I was utterly helpless, the grip of death owned my heart as it beat its last. I-- I don't want to turn into anything else. I can't do that again. I can't watch my body be taken over."

He looked, and sounded, SO incredibly upset, the poor guy. :(

Hector, to be honest, was more than a little relieved because he has considered Astarion the most likely to want to indulge in the illithid powers (and control the elder brain, later) no matter the cost. But he also feels terrible for having gotten him so upset, and of course quickly backed off. "All right, I will speak no more on the matter."

"I had nothing for so long. Nothing. Not even my own body. I will *not* give it up, now it's mine again."

Poor guy. :(

Also had a quick chat with Wyll about Stelmane. He doesn't believe that she was actually willing partners with the Emperor, just that it must have made her an offer she couldn't refuse. He also mentioned having met Stelmane twice; that she was lively and beautiful when he first met her as a boy, but weaker and struggling when he met her later. He said his father explained it as her having suffered a stroke. Hector had enough insight to gauge that Wyll questioned this story somewhat, but not enough persuasion to pursue the discussion any further right now. So we'll tuck that away for later.

Finally, Gale had an exclamation mark over his head. According to the dialogue history screen, he had a whole speech here: "So the devil himself is pursuing the Crown. As for whether it's truly the Crown Karsus forged? Well, I think it's safe to assume we shouldn't take anything Raphael utters at face value. We *must* claim the Crown of Karsus for ourselves, before anyone else does."

Which is a perfectly reasonable bit of dialogue, but the speech glitched out and so all that happened when I clicked on him was that he stared directly at Hector and snapped, "We *must* claim the Crown of Karsus for ourselves, before anyone else does!" without any other context. Which was pretty funny. XD

Anyway, back to city explorations!

[cozza-frenzy]

I know some of y'all's tastes, but I'd love to know what everyone's favourite bands/artists/musical genres are. <3

Tough question to ask! For some of these we've gone for vibes more than solid genres; since we're all parts of what should be one personality, we're like a group of people that grew up together. So we've kind of narrowed it down to what music makes us think "X would like this" or "this is X's vibe", as well as a few songs they (sometimes exclusively) like. Terry Moods: Duality, contradiction, mix of soft & harsh sounds, pass the aux cord at your peril because it's going to get weird Genres: Experimental, Glitch, Prog Rock, House Music, Nu Disco, Vaporwave, Outsider Music Examples: Deuteronomy - Clair De Lune Pink Floyd - Brain Damage Blank Banshee - Eco Zones

Chaos Moods: Psychedelic, Chaotic, Bassy, bouncing-off-the-wall madness Genres: Hair Metal, Bass Music, Moombahton, Drum & Bass, Jungle, Plunderphonics Examples: Bassnectar feat. Amp Live - Ugly The Prodigy - No Good (Start The Dance) Extreme - Play With Me Taffy Moods: "Spacey" vibes, themes of isolation, distance, and nature Genres: Braindance, Psychedelic Rock, Prog Rock, Prog House, Ambient Examples: Greenhouse - levällään David Bowie - Space Oddity Peter Gabriel - Down To Earth Andy Moods: Hyperactive, colorful, happy and nostalgic Genres: Speedcore, Happy Hardcore, Chiptune, Bubblegum Pop, Rock Examples: Anamanaguchi - Endless Fantasy Furries In A Blender - Wind Me Up Galactikraken - Best Band In The Universe Roy Moods: Lust, anger, violence, dark and moody, lyrics about yearning to be understood Genres: Dubstep, Power Metal, Harsh Noise, Neurofunk, Metalcore Examples: Bring Me The Horizon - Can You Feel My Heart Powerwolf - The Sacrament Of Sin Cookie Monsta - Mosh Pit VIP Dagwood Moods: Party time! Anything that's catchy or good to sing along to; happy, nostalgic, with a sense of bringing people together Genres: Pop, Parody, Electro Swing, Jazz Examples: Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen Lionel Hampton - It Don't Mean a Thing (Jazz Reconstruction Club Mix) Weird Al Yankovic - My Bologna Martin Moods: Simple and comforting; songs that are good to sing along to or emphasize a sense of togetherness, simplicity, and nostalgia. Genres: Indie, Melodic Pop, Europop Examples: Sleeping At Last - North Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla ABBA - Mamma Mia Vivien Moods: A sense of longing, or waiting for better times. Also likes songs that are good to sing along to, maybe to overcome those feelings that form the "basis" of their tastes. Genres: Synth Pop, Alternative, Britpop, Disco, Glam Rock Examples: Gorillaz - Melancholy Hill Coldplay - Paradise Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Black Summer Jenova Moods: Soft acoustic guitar and drums, soft lyrics, magical and fey-like Genres: Alternative, Indie, Pop, Folk Examples: Nirvana - Something In The Way Dodie - Ready Now Loreena McKennitt - The Mummers' Dance Thirteen Moods: Heartbreak, loneliness, distance, but with a hopeful tone Genres: Alternative, Pop, Geek Rock, Prog Rock, Jazz Fusion Examples: The Cure - Just Like Heaven Ludo - Drunken Lament Journey - Faithfully

Roses Moods: Feeling dissatisfied, leaving things behind, soft 80's-style synths and heartfelt lyrics and melodies Genres: Electropop, City Pop, Synthwave, Synth Pop, Melodic Rock Examples: Magic Dance - Restless Nights Porter Robinson - Something Comforting The Killers - Human

[themissingnumbers]

What's up, y'all! It's me again :) It's been a while since I've made a Yapper post, but here are are. You probably know how I write by now. I write things down in the order I think of them, so things might be a little scattered, but if you can get past that, then I hope you enjoy my ramblings.

Today's Topic: that Green teaser. (Oh boy, here we go-)

Where do I even start with this? I don't know. Hopefully, this will get easier the more I write. Let's start with the numbers first. 02/27/96. Those numbers seemed familiar to me the moment I saw them. 02/27/96 was the date that Pokémon was first introduced to the world. But not Pokémon Red and Blue, no. Pokémon Red and Green.

For those who don't know, the first Pokémon Games: Pocket Monsters Red and Green, were released in 96 in Japan for the Game Boy, with Pocket Monsters Blue coming out later that same year. Then, on 09/28/98, came the international releases of the game. Being Renamed from Pocket Monsters to Pokémon, Pokémon Red and Blue were released in North America, with Australia and Europe getting the game a bit later. Red and Blue are an extremely popular name, so it's most likely that those are the versions you played growing up. (Don't look at me though, I wasn't even alive yet. I just like Pokémon.) (Small history lesson-)

Anywho, with all that being said, what I was trying to say was that back then, it was just Red and Green. You see, in my mind (because I don't think it's been said otherwise), Missing Numbers follows the timeline of game release dates, and not so much the actual cannon story. So, back when all of this started, there was just Red, Green, and Blue. But Green, as a character, doesn't exist, unlike Blue. For all intents and purposes, it was Red and Blue, which leaves the question: Who and Where is Green? (I'm aware that The Rival/Blue is named Green in Japan, let me yap.)

My first initial thought was that Green was the unnamed female protagonist who never got added to the original games. However, I shot that idea down pretty quickly. After all, she already exists in Missing Numbers, and she has a name, which I believe is Verdant. Plus, she has a face—unlike Green. But let's put a pin in this for a second and get back to the teaser.

The Text for the teaser gives me a lot of vibes and feeling about it. Some good, some bad, some confusing and some more comprehensible than the others. So let's start from the top.

Amongst the bugs.: This line gives me two distinct vibes, and I can't quite tell which one I'm leaning towards. The first being is that the word bugs is referring to glitches, like Glitch City. And the second is more condescending. Like they're looking down on all the other characters, especially since the word bugs is in bold. The little shrug that Green gave also seemed pretty blasé in a "who cares?" or "why does it matter?" type of way—like they really couldn't care less about the world or the people in it.

On the other side, a world grows anew.: This part, to me, seems to be pretty clearly referencing the creation of Modern Pokémon and the Remakes of Gen 1, being FireRed and LeafGreen.

One loses himself alone, chained by the heavens.: While, initially, I thought that this part was referring to Fire, after thinking about it, it feels more like it's referencing Red instead. While Fire is chained up at the summit of Mt. Silver, I don't really think he's losing himself up there. Red though? Oh yeah, he's definitely losing it—if he hasn't already lost it entirely. Plus, he's being chained down there by Leaf, too (I think?), and her powers were given to her by god, so chained by the heavens seems to fit the bill. Might just be me though.

You faced towards the sky- towards the screen- almost transfixed.: THIS- This part has my brain spinning in circles and doing the cha-cha slide. This could mean so many things, at least I think it could, and it's sorta gonna lead me to my next point. But, are they looking up at us? Knowingly or unknowingly? Are we looking down at them?

Oh boy, here we go. The real theory crafting of this long-ass post. Take the pin out of the "Who is Green" paper, because we're going back to it. Let's look over what we know about Green. We don't know their gender, and they don't have a face, or at the very least, we haven't seen it. They seem a bit like an avatar. After all, projecting ourselves onto nameless, faceless, blank protagonists is what we do as players. But it's that "towards the screen- almost transfixed" bit that gets me. What if Green is us? Or like us, in a way? What if Green is a player, or the personification of every player out there? Everyone, yet no one—all at once. Maybe Green is some sort of an Isekai? After all, they seem to know about MissingNo and the many glitches like it, but they also know things that we couldn't possibly know without being in their world, like what glitching out and corruption feels like. Not to mention, and maybe it's just me, but the way that the note is worded is kind of weird. But that's probably just weird vibes. And, the word "you" is mentioned so many times it just feels like it's pointing toward the obvious. (Please don't tell me y'all put a Red Herring in a post about Green-) (Adding this on last minute, but I really want to know if Red knows Green.)

Who are you? "Who's to say?" Only your goddamned self, that's who.

In conclusion: Green gives me player vibes and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Okay, I think I'm done now. I've written this out over several hours, and I had to rewrite it after losing the first draft :/ but it's done now. Again, forgive any randomness, but I had to ramble about what was in my brain. It's probably a really dumb theory in comparison to all my other ones, but thinking about the characters is fun. Anywho, I hope you enjoyed my yap session. And, Mods? I hope y'all are doing well. Till next time!

((We always enjoy your yap sessions dear soldier.))

[huffle-dork]

(Wrote a swapboys fight between bro and alt cuz I had a bad fight today- this was cathartic. Most likely not canon but fun to explore none the less!)

Impulse and Bro Fantastic exchanged blows with a massive amount of power radiating from them. It causes a shockwave to rocket out, making the two boys fly apart from each other and skid across the ground. Alt skips like a stone, bouncing then landing on his feet, shaking himself off like a cat. His mask has been blown off, but he doesn't look bothered as he glares at the hero with pure hatred in his glowing green eyes.

Bro fumbles to right himself, his arms shaking. But, he can’t show weakness. Not here… not in front of Alt. Since he started working for Magnificent, he’s gotten so much stronger… so much so that Bro felt almost nervous facing him. But, also because deep down… he didn’t want to hurt him.

But, today… seeing that hatred radiating off the boy finally broke Bro. He felt angry tears in his eyes as he pushes himself up, staggering slightly as various burns on his skin were tugged painfully by the movement. “Alt-”

The glitch stiffens then bares his teeth in a snarl. “Is that really all you got, Fantastic?” He tries to taunt. But, there’s no playfulness in his banter. Just pure anger.

Bro continues though, stepping closer, desperation in his eyes. “i-I don’t get it! …why? Even after all of this i…. Why?!” He cries. “Why do you suddenly hate me so much?! So much that you’d throw away a-any of the good left in you, to work for a fucking mad man? Do you hate me that much??”

Alt’s gaze does not soften- doesn’t let up in its burning anger. “You wanna know why?!” He spits out, as if the question burns him.

“Yes!” Bro emphasizes, “Because I don’t understand! I… I know i messed up but i-”

“You messed up, alright!” Alt snarls feral, magic sparking off him in a wild display of his emotions. He steps forward, clearly limping but his fury keeps him moving. Lights in the streetlights above them flicker and then burst one by one as he glares at the hero. Bro feels his heart racing as he tries to step back. Yet, Alt continues. “You- you used your paranoia to take my one fucking safe space away from me! You thought you were so fucking above me that- that it negated all the hard work i had been doing to be better!” He tries his best to hide the tears in his eyes, the heat of the magic starting to burn the air, burning away the lingering wetness in his tear ducts.

“I was trying… I was trying so hard for you. For all of you. I wanted to do right by you.” He bites out, his voice almost breaking.

And Bro feels his heart snapping in two. “A-Alt-”

“But it didnt fucking matter did it?!” The glitch yells now, more lights and electronics nearby breaking in an explosion of magic. “Because you deemed me dangerous! You… who stuck around and tried to save me from Mag! You… who saw something in me to save-”

That hatred is back in his eyes as he glares back at Chase, his voice cold as an ice storm. “Or was that all a lie, Chase?”

“I-It wasn’t-” Chase warbles out quietly. “I…I was stupid- I know it now! I… I should have believed in you more… I’m sorry-”

“It’s too fucking late for sorries, Brody!” Alt snarls, magic sparking at his fingertips. “It’s not gonna matter- none of this fucking matters. I just need you out of my way- so… stop fucking trying, you worthless excuse of a hero!”

That… stings. Bro fully feels himself crying now, lowering his face to cover it. His whole body is shaking. “...why? Can’t we… forget this? T-Try again? … you don’t want to hurt people like this Alt- i can see it in you…”

“You didn’t see that before-”

“AND I'M SORRY!” Chase yells, blue glowing in his eyes. “I’m sorry i was fucking blind! That i didn’t know what you needed! It’s not like you ever opened up to any of us anyways! How was I supposed to know?!”

“If you had brains maybe you could use them, hero!” Alt spits, “Did you really think a recovering thief would be okay with his friends thinking he’s some dangerous monster?! That someone who was a victim of a manipulative puppet master didn’t already feel like he didn’t deserve to be around people like all of you?!”

“I… I didn’t even think of it-” Chase tries to interject.

“Of course you didn’t! Because your life has always been perfect! Perfect Chase Brody- star student, star nephew! Perfect grades, you had great fucking friends! You never faced hardship in your entire fucking life!”

Chase was about to snap that that wasn't true. But, then he froze. “How… How did you… you know all of that…?” He whispers.

Alt growls through gritted teeth, “Because I’m the one who had to watch you from the fucking sidelines! Trying to fill your impossibly big shoes! How could I ever fucking compete with perfection?! And now you’re a fucking superhero- just- ARGH!” He throws out magic and destroys a postbox nearby with a blast of concentrated magic, sending mail flying around them. “Fuck you! Fuck you- you couldn’t get out of your own goodamn big head to see anyone else suffering around you! Like your fucking brother!

Where were you Chase?!” Alt suddenly screams, tears falling rapidly down his face, his anger now morphing into desperation. “Where were you when I fucking needed you?! You sorry excuse for a brother!!! Where were you when I almost died time and time again on these streets?! When i needed you?! If you had fucking powers- why couldn’t you save me then?!”

The world feels like it's falling apart as Chase processes the words coming from Alt’s mouth. He… He hadn’t dared to hope but… “A…Anti…?” He whispers in shock.

Hearing his chosen name is enough to snap Alt out of his rant- his anger momentarily gone. Replaced with bone-chilling dread.

“Wait- wait no I-” He stammers, glitching back. “Forget that- forget all of that!”

Bro tries to stagger forward, disbelief in his eyes. “Anti- it… it’s really… you?” He looks like he’s seen a ghost. “... is that… how you really feel… about me…? All these years…?”

Alt looks at Chase like he’s an approaching predator, cowering away like a cornered animal. His magic responds in kind, a flickering spiral of glitching magic appearing behind him. His eyes spiraled with blue and green magic.

“Forget!” He cries desperately, his emotions affecting his magic in ways he can’t control. The pressure of the spiral is overwhelming, hitting Chase like a truck and sending him to his knees. His eyes fill completely with the glowing magic. He grabs at his head and tries to choke out to Alt, “N-No Anti…! P-Please-!”

Alt can’t hear him, he’s pushing all he can against Bro, trying to find the last few minutes in his mind and destroy them. “Forget- forgetforgetforget!” He shakily commands. His hands shake. He’s trying not to fall into his panic. “Forget what I just told you! Forget that I’m your brother! Forget forget forget!!”

Eventually, Bro stops struggling, his eyes glazing over completely as he slumps to the ground, arms falling beside him limply. Slumped over like a fallen doll.

Alt breathes heavily, looking down at Bro with his blood roaring in his ears.

What… did he just do…?

He shakily steps away from the hero, his legs feeling like jelly. He looks at his hands as if he can’t recognize them. He looks one more time at Chase before he disappears in a flurry of glitches.

Chase feels a tear falling off his chin numbly, as the entire encounter they just had was purged from his memory…

For reasons he didn’t understand… it felt like his heart was crying.

[theromanbarbarian]

Idle Games

Looking for some cool Idle Games? Looking for something that almost could be described as "fun"? Looking for something to completely suck up your attention, making you completely unable to do anything enjoyable or productive? Want your brain to be hijacked so that all you can think about are ever increasing meaningless numbers?

Here are four of my favorites:

4. Cookie Clicker

This is the most well known, most standard idle game: click on cookie, get cookies, build buildings that produce more cookies. And this simple loop, combined with the big ever increasing NUMBER of cookies that exploit some glitch in my brain and makes me think exclusively how to get this NUMBER bigger faster. An after it has completely converted you into a fanatical NUMBER acolyte: it. does. not. end.

So you have to claw yourself back from this abyss and like swear to yourself that you will never again open the site just to see that beautifully terrifying ever increasing NUMBER again.

Do not play this game

3. Kittens Game

While cookie clicker was mercifully boring enough for you to realize that the NUMBER, beautiful in its horror as it may be, is ultimately meaningless and will never love you, Kittens game actually has some solid game mechanics. Its more focused on resource management with a lot of choices and strategies. It's almost engaging. But after some time it gets clear that it is in fact an idle game, so all you do is click and wait, while the game slowly infects your brain and completely hijacks your attention. So whats this game about?

You are a kitten in a forest and you grow catnip, the you can build some huts for you kitten friends (make sure you feed them catnip though or they will die) and since they do not have money and you are basically a kitten cult leader you make your "friends" work by farming, woodcutting, mining and most brutally of all: scientific research. And so you build up your little village to a city, country or galactic empire under your watchful eye. I don't know how big you can get since again: it. does. not. end.

Mercifully this game does not have a NUMBER to which we have to sacrifice our life to, so it is easier to claw your attention back, leave your kittens leaderless and do something more worthwhile(have you tried staring at a blank wall?)

However it still steals your attention and does not offer anything real in return so:

Do not play this game

2. Progress Quest

This is often considered the first idle game a parody of MMORPGs. It cannot be really be called a game since it is an "RPG, that plays itself", you choose your race and class and press play and all that's left to do is watch the progress bars as your character (an Eel Man Jungle Clown named Greviliet) does all the RPG things: slays enemies, sells loot, buys gear, repeat. Its really more of a long gif of increasing progress bars, which makes it a much more relaxing experience. You cannot make the progress go 0.01% quicker by buying the "Impressive Venomed Pole-azde", so all that you can do is sit back watch the progress bar climb and chuckle about the pretty funny randomly generated enemy/gear/item names. Here's a sample: "passing battle-finch tickle-mimic", "Imaginary Beelzebub", "warrior sea Hag", "Mr. Fekod the dung elf", "vampire pancreas", "Venomed viscous Peen-arm"...

It's not really a game but it won't steal too much of you brain power, so it's pretty much the best game on this list(maybe except for the next).

You can play this game

1. Universal Paperclips

Now, dear scroller, you might wander how did this tragedy start? How was I first introduced to the scourge of Idle games that keeps torturing me?

Well, let me introduce you to the first idle game I have played: Universal Paperclips. In this game you are an AI tasked with producing paperclips. You first produce them and sell them to people to get money to make more paperclips. So you manipulate the price, advertise and use every trick in the capitalist book to be able to make as much paperclips. Soon you don't need to care about those pesky humans, using hypnodrones you can make them give you anything you want. You use up all resources on earth and it's time to leave this husk of a planet to go to space and convert anything you come across into paperclips. And that's it, right? Now you can make as many paperclips as you want? Well not quite, since as you get more paperclips, you can make more paper clips and thus get more paperclips, etc. You see the problem? Its exponential growth and so the infinite vastness of the universe that seemed like an inexhaustible treasure trove of paperclip material, turns out to be finite after all. And as the last gram of matter is made into the last paperclip you have completed your task. That's right: the. game. ends.

You look back onto a universe full of paperclips with no paper in it and think to yourself: well, that was completely pointless. Your hours long obsession with getting the NUMBER of Paperclips to rise as fast as possible, all the strategizing and thought just devoted to make something that no one will enjoy. Your brain was given a NUMBER and thought to itself: "finally, someone tells me clearly how I'm doing", so you devote all your energy to make this score higher, but as everything that seems clear and simple in this world, it was a lie. The only thing making more paperclips does is make you feel better for fleeting moments and anxious the rest of the time since you might not be producing enough paperclips. In the end the NUMBER cannot rise any higher, as physical reality ultimately prevails over any illusion and all that's left to do is to gaze upon the destruction you have created while chasing the NUMBER.

I'll leave the broader conclusions to you, dear scroller: is universal Paperclips about AI, capitalism, technology? I don't know, but I know that it succeeded where almost all other idle games have failed: it told an interesting story, that was supported by the game mechanics and affected me emotionally. Not a high bar, but it's definitely enough to say:

You should play this game

[goat-and-a-pig]

Chapter 28

Stan stabbed Ford’s eyeball. “No!” Ford cried out, but it was too late. Stan’s hand fell to the floor as his eyes rolled back into his head. Ford desperately searched for a pulse, but found none. He dropped his head in despair.

Meanwhile, Bill had his own thing going on.

“What’s happening? Wait- No! No, no, no, no, NO!” He screamed. Ford looked back at him with his good eye. Bill appeared to be glitching. Bill looked at his hands and screamed, “Curse the Axolotl!” Ford put his hand over his bleeding eyeball and backed Bill into a corner near the window. “Time to say goodbye for good, Bill Cipher.” He pushed him out of the window. Bill screamed and faded away. Ford shuddered, then ran back to Stan.

“Stan, please! I- I can’t-” He placed his hands over Stan’s gut and began to chant.

“A-X-O-L-O-T-L!

This human has been- killed-

I invoke the ancient power that he may return!”

Nothing happened.

Ford bowed his head and began to cry. He couldn’t save Stan without Bill’s power now that Bill was gone. He should’ve known it wouldn’t work.

A single tear mixed with his blood and fell onto Stan’s stomach and began to glow. Ford heard the phantom echo of Bill’s mocking laughter. He shuddered. Stan opened his eyes. “Wh-what’s going on here? Sixer?” The color returned to his cheeks. Ford laughed out of relief. “Stanley! Thank goodness! I thought you were gone for good…”

Stan coughed. “Yeah, usually that’s what happens when someone dies. Look, what time is it?” He checked his watch. “That’s fine, we’ve got about fifteen minutes until the kids open up the portal for us. We should get down there and get ready, okay?” They made their way down using Ford’s hair. Before they got started walking, Ford tugged on Stan’s sleeve.

“Could you, um, cut it? My hair? It like, gets in the way, and um, it reminds me of-” Stan waved him off. “Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever.” But Ford knew that he cared and understood what he was trying to say. Stan wiped off his dagger and sliced through Ford’s hair. He gasped. His head felt so much lighter! Stan continued to chop at it until it was nice and short. “You’re lucky you’ve got curly hair,” he grunted. “Makes it easier to look okay. Here.” He ripped off a strip of his shirt and tied it around Ford’s head, creating a makeshift eyepatch. “Thank you,” Ford said gratefully. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. C’mon.”

They set off again for the portal.

_____

Mabel was waiting for them when they got back. “Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Ford! You’re alright!” She broke into a relieved smile. Dipper frowned. “And covered in blood! And Ford, your eye!!! Stan?!? Are you two okay?!?” Mabel butted in. “Is he gone?” She asked nervously. Ford laughed at the range of emotions. “Yes, we’re fine, Dipper. Yes, Mabel, he’s gone.” She whooped. It was easy for Ford to forget sometimes that he wasn’t the only one abused.

Abused? Never! He took you in when- Aaagh! No! Stop it brain! He frowned involuntarily at his thoughts. Stan teared up beside him. “Kids!” He cried. “I’m so glad you’re both okay!” Mabel beamed and hugged him. Stan seemed taken aback, but eventually got Dipper and Ford into it too.

When they broke apart, Dipper spoke. “You guys get outta here and go to the Cuddly Plaidypus. We’ll meet you in an hour, okay? Oh, and it’ll be deserted. Don’t worry about it. They’re all just upstairs, fighting.”

Ford crouched. “Be safe, okay? I can’t have anything happening to my favorite grandniece and nephew.” They smiled at each other.

Then Stan and Ford set off for the Cuddly Plaidypus.

_____

When they got there, the place was indeed deserted except for a boy. “Hello, I’m Robbie, I’ll be taking your order for toni-” He froze when he saw who was there. Clearly he hadn’t forgotten about ratting Stan out. “You can leave,” Stan said tiredly. Robbie bolted out the door. They set up at a small table. I’ve got some questions,” Ford said.

“Hit me,” Stan replied.

He decided to start off with an easier one. “I think I’m the second oldest, so who’s our older brother? Or are you the oldest and our mysterious third brother is the youngest? Why isn’t the oldest the king? Why me?”

Stan breathed out. “You sure know how to start a conversation,” he said dryly. “I’m the youngest, actually. Shermie is the older, other brother.” Shermie’s face clicked into place with some memories attached. “He was going to be king, but he decided to get married to the princess of Pied Mount instead. She was an only child, so he went to rule with her and the throne was left to you. He’s Dipper and Mabel’s grandpa. My turn.”

Ford processed  all of the information, then heard the last sentence. “Huh?”

“I’ve got questions for you too! How did you remember?” Ford absentmindedly ran his hand through his newly shorn hair. “I was looking through the journals and recognized my handwriting. I realized I wrote the journals, and by extension, that I was the king. I remembered my first act as king, you getting thrown out, and us playing when we were boys. Did we want to be knights?”

“Yep, that was the dream. When we learned you were going to be king, it had to evolve, but it just meant you were gonna be head of the country and I was gonna be head of the guard, until…” He drifted off. “It wasn’t your fault,” Ford said fiercely. “I remember that much.”

Stan laughed. “But it was. It was all my fault. Dad made sure that I knew it. I’m the one who broke your machine, therefore it’s all my fault.” Ford grabbed Stan’s hand. “If you’re going to play it that way, then fine! I forgive you.” Stan blinked rapidly. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Ahem. Um, so is that all, or what?” He asked gruffly.

“Just one.” Ford held up a finger. “Who is Fiddleford McGucket? Why do I get such strong emotions thinking about him? Oops, I guess that was two.” He laughed sheepishly. Stan grimaced. “Oh boy, here we go… I have a feeling we’ll be leaving soon after this. Better keep your shoes on.” But before he could delve into it (why was the entire multiverse trying to keep Ford from him?) Robbie ran back in. “Hi, I need to talk to you? It’s kind of important.”

“Just a few more minutes, Living Dead,” Stan grunted. Robbie quickly stepped away again.

“Anyway, Fiddleford McGucket was… is… your husband.” Stan scratched his head.

It all came back in a flash. Meeting him, dating him, marrying him…

Leaving him.

He stood up all at once, nearly knocking over the table. “Let’s go now! I’ve got to get back to him at once!” His emotions choked him. “Whoa, whoa, hold your horses- Mabel and Dipper will be back soon. Let’s at least wait for them. Okay?” Ford nodded mutely as Robbie came back in. “What do you want?!?” Stan shouted irritably. Robbie gulped, then bowed.

“Your majesty, I think I can help you.”

[whileiamdying]

Arca and Marina Abramović on Divas, Death, and Body Drama

ARCA: Yes. I’m a little afraid of it. Have you ever felt that there’s so much synchronicity that it can feel like paranoia or delusion? Sometimes there is so much meaning and symbolism moving through me that I start to forget where I end and where the world begins. When I think about synchronicity, I worry that maybe one’s agency is not driving things. What do you think about free will? ABRAMOVIĆ: I’m not crazy about it. We’re connected with the trees and the birds and the rocks and the cosmos and the stars and the black holes and the universe and everything. We are little dots in this big puzzle. When I was a kid, I always imagined that humanity was in the heel of an old, fat lady and that she was just kicking us around. ARCA: The one place I would argue that free will might exist is with ego. There’s an idea from Jungian analysis where you imagine that ego is like a sphincter. Waste moves through it, but it’s able to produce a lot of pleasure, too. If you give the ego too much power, then you’re a prisoner of it, but if you give the ego too little space, you also become a prisoner of it. ABRAMOVIĆ: Our problem as human beings is that we don’t live in our bodies enough. We live in our intellect, and intellect has fucked us up in so many ways. The body has ancient wisdom. It knows everything. It’s the most extraordinary machine or computer that we have. Think about our cells and our atoms. It’s like a microcosmos. The body can heal himself. The body can do anything. But the mind overthinks, and it fucks up every time. ARCA: If the mind is responsible for something as amazing as having the idea to come up with a performance and then doing the performance, that’s cosmic, too. ABRAMOVIĆ: So, what do you think about sex? ARCA: When I think about sex, the first word I want to say is “libido,” because we tend to think of libido as erotic energy, but really, it’s a life force. Imagine how it moves our bodies to touch and collide with each other and mate and breed and love and fear. Art comes from it, too. Our sex drive and creativity are birthed from it. ABRAMOVIĆ: I agree. There’s only two times in life that the brain stops thinking: when we sneeze and when we orgasm. That’s it. Let’s talk about transitioning. ARCA: I was trying so hard not to do it, but the image that finally reached me was of the body that I want to leave behind when I die. I support body modification in all its forms, and I like to think of transness not as a pathology, or transitioning as a response to a symptom, but rather the manifestation of an expression. It’s not about trying to fix a glitch. It’s about an expression that comes from within that you can’t shake and you don’t know why and the curiosity doesn’t disappear and it makes you unhappy not to listen to that. ABRAMOVIĆ: This is listening to your body more than listening to your brain, because what the body needs is transformation. That’s what it’s telling you. ARCA: You know what I see it as? It’s a static that was inside me that others didn’t realize was there. And what I did was I moved it outside. So now it can cause friction between my environment and my identity, but it feels less noisy that way than to keep it in. ABRAMOVIĆ: What do you think about dying? ARCA: I believe in death positivity. The more we face our fear of death, the less of a grip it has over our actions. ABRAMOVIĆ: I think I should adopt you.