#so some amount of this intense social anxiety and depression i have is just my original hardest

[mxaether]

struggling a. lot with wanting to Be Liked on The Internet today.

[transmutationisms]

I have always been wary of the psychiatric industry, but its only very recently that i started to read anti-psychiatric works. Your blog is the first time i saw that the "chemical imbalances causing mental illness" is a myth, and honestly its something im having a hard time wrapping my head around.

Is it that mood regulation struggles, labelled as a mental illnesses, has more to do with outside factors instead of the person "just being that way"? Is it therefore unlikely for someone to have struggles with mood regulation if they cant identify any external causes that would cause them to be, for example, extremely agoraphobic or to have anger management issues? Im asking this for myself mainly, cause i always had intense agoraphobia no matter how i often go outside my home (in fact it was worse when i was a teen and i was outside the house in even more back then). I cant think of any reason for me to be like this than chemical imbalances in my brain.

the specific 'chemical imbalance' myth i was talking about in this post is the idea that depression is caused by low serotonin, and that therefore SSRIs—serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, ie drugs that cause a higher level of serotonin in the brain—ought to cure or at least ameliorate depression. this conjecture is belied by the fact that SSRIs don't, at a population level, reliably perform better than placebo.

although a neurobiological cause of 'mental illness' has long been the holy grail of psychiatry, the serotonin imbalance myth is far from the only hypothesis that psychiatrists and neuroscientists have proposed. so, a critique of the serotonin myth is not synonymous with, or generalisable to, a critique of every neurobiological mechanism purported to explain psychiatric diagnoses. you may be interested to know, though, that genomics and neuroscience have not identified a biological cause of any psychiatric diagnosis (p. 851).

all human experiences are biologically instantiated, including in the brain and wider nervous system. we are embodied beings. however, it is a leap to assume that such instantiation is automatically equivalent to a causal explanation or disease etiology. in other words, to deny that psychiatric diagnoses are known to be biologically caused does not mean we deny that thoughts and thought patterns express in the physical matter of neuroanatomy. this is a major philosophical sticking point to keep in mind whenever you're looking at something like, eg, a study that purports to show 'brain differences' in those assigned a certain psychiatric diagnosis. another thing to consider is whether these papers are plagued with methodological issues or financial conflicts of interest.

i can't possibly tell you why you exhibit agoraphobia. however, when i talk about social, economic, and environmental factors that may contribute to the patterns of behaviour labelled as 'mental illness', i'm talking about much more than the individual choice to leave your house. since phobias are 'anxiety disorders', i might start by probing into questions like: is the world you live in safe? do you perceive it as safe? do you or your community face existential threats that may confront you more obviously when you go outside? are you nervous around other people, and if so, might that be connected to fears (well-founded or not) about interpersonal violence and harm? do you think any of these anxieties may be connected to the hostility and inaccessible design of the social environment and economic conditions?

human behaviour and thought varies. some of those variations may be totally benign; others may be helpful or harmful to the person living with them. it would be weird if every single one of the 8 billion people on earth experienced precisely the same amount of anxiety about any situation, no? all of this is to say: yeah, it's entirely possible you have been, for one reason or another (genetic, neuroanatomical, social, &c) predisposed to experience high, even debilitating levels of anxiety when leaving your home. most human characteristics develop from a tangle of social, environmental, material causes—ie, from a combination of 'nature' and 'nurture'. what doesn't follow, though, is the claim that there is therefore a discrete, 'diseased' element of your brain or brain functioning that can simply be cured or eliminated through psychiatric intervention.

it is a critical point of anti-psychiatry to challenge psychiatric and neuroscientific claims to neurobiological determinism where psychiatric diagnoses are concerned. this is for many reasons, including: a) that these claims have not been demonstrated to actually be true [see above]; b) that they rob pathologised people of agency and self-determination [see: you're too sick to know you're sick, and the doctor will fix you now]; c) that they are often pushed by pharmaceutical companies with financial interests, or grant-funded researchers with... financial interests; d) that they are politically seductive in various eugenic, hereditarian discourses that seek to eliminate the biologically 'unfit' element from society.

[aspd-culture]

Hey this is kind of a silly question but I figured I'd ask it anyway. I know pwASPD can feel fear but what are the limitations of that? This is mostly about myself because I'm questioning if I have ASPD and I'm really afraid of heights, in my case I think it has more to do with a lack of control than anything else but I'm not sure. Anyway I hope your well.

No worries, with a disorder with this little legitimate, unbiased research, I don't know that many silly questions exist, and yours is definitely legitimate.

In general, I would say there is not a cap to how much/how intense fear can be for someone with ASPD, any more than there is for anyone else. In fact, because pwASPD nearly always have it caused by some amount of trauma, and PTSD causes responses like anxiety and hypervigilance, I'd argue many pwASPD may feel fear more frequently and more intensely than untraumatized prosocials.

PwASPD can have blunted emotions, but that isn't always the case, and when it is, which emotions are blunted is entirely individual. For me, the main emotions that were blunted are sadness (the genuine, not depression one), contentedness, and affection. All 3 of these are emotions I *do* feel, but to a lower degree than most. They become extremely blunted during flares to the point where it feels as though I am incapable of feeling them, and then they come back.

I've heard of pwASPD who feel all "negative" emptions very intensely with "positive" ones being blunted, and I've heard the opposite where they almost feel numbed to fear, sadness, etc. because those are their natural state of being and have been for so many years, but when they are given genuine reason to feel happy/excited/etc. they feel that very, very intensely. Any combination thereof is possible, and it's also common for a pwASPD to not deal with any emotional blunting or nearly all emotions blunted.

The only emotions I've seen any contention about being able to be blunted are anger and its cousins (jealousy, frustration, etc.) and boredom. Because these are noted in associated features to be fairly intense for pwASPD, some say it isn't possible for those to be blunted. In my personal opinion, I don't think that's the case, or else those would be listed in criteria. Even criteria dom't all get met by every pwASPD, and when dealing with personality disorders, it isn't very rational to say for certain that an associated feature has to be present in everyone with that disorder.

Personality disorders exist on a spectrum in a similar way to autism because both affect a person's entire life. Every thought, action, etc. are influenced to some degree by personity disorders for those of us who have them; that's just the nature of PDs. When you're dealing with a range of symptoms that are *that* wide, you can bet that thete will be heavy variation between pw that disorder.

A fear of heights definitely does not mean you can't have ASPD or vice versa. That's considered an overactive survival instinct, which pwASPD still definitely are capable of having. In fact, many ASPD symptoms are direct results of unstable survival instincts. In some ways, we disregard our safety, yet our reactions to social situations and other people are a direct attempt by our brain to survive in a world we were taught was dangerous early on. So whilst there isn't a fear I think would exclude any person from having ASPD, this one in particular actually makes a lot of sense for someone with ASPD to struggle with.

I hope this helps!/gen

Plain text below the cut:

No worries, with a disorder with this little legitimate, unbiased research, I don't know that many silly questions exist, and yours is definitely legitimate.

In general, I would say there is not a cap to how much/how intense fear can be for someone with ASPD, any more than there is for anyone else. In fact, because pwASPD nearly always have it caused by some amount of trauma, and PTSD causes responses like anxiety and hypervigilance, I'd argue many pwASPD may feel fear more frequently and more intensely than untraumatized prosocials.

PwASPD can have blunted emotions, but that isn't always the case, and when it is, which emotions are blunted is entirely individual. For me, the main emotions that were blunted are sadness (the genuine, not depression one), contentedness, and affection. All 3 of these are emotions I *do* feel, but to a lower degree than most. They become extremely blunted during flares to the point where it feels as though I am incapable of feeling them, and then they come back.

I've heard of pwASPD who feel all "negative" emptions very intensely with "positive" ones being blunted, and I've heard the opposite where they almost feel numbed to fear, sadness, etc. because those are their natural state of being and have been for so many years, but when they are given genuine reason to feel happy/excited/etc. they feel that very, very intensely. Any combination thereof is possible, and it's also common for a pwASPD to not deal with any emotional blunting or nearly all emotions blunted.

The only emotions I've seen any contention about being able to be blunted are anger and its cousins (jealousy, frustration, etc.) and boredom. Because these are noted in associated features to be fairly intense for pwASPD, some say it isn't possible for those to be blunted. In my personal opinion, I don't think that's the case, or else those would be listed in criteria. Even criteria dom't all get met by every pwASPD, and when dealing with personality disorders, it isn't very rational to say for certain that an associated feature has to be present in everyone with that disorder.

Personality disorders exist on a spectrum in a similar way to autism because both affect a person's entire life. Every thought, action, etc. are influenced to some degree by personity disorders for those of us who have them; that's just the nature of PDs. When you're dealing with a range of symptoms that are *that* wide, you can bet that thete will be heavy variation between pw that disorder.

A fear of heights definitely does not mean you can't have ASPD or vice versa. That's considered an overactive survival instinct, which pwASPD still definitely are capable of having. In fact, many ASPD symptoms are direct results of unstable survival instincts. In some ways, we disregard our safety, yet our reactions to social situations and other people are a direct attempt by our brain to survive in a world we were taught was dangerous early on. So whilst there isn't a fear I think would exclude any person from having ASPD, this one in particular actually makes a lot of sense for someone with ASPD to struggle with.

I hope this helps!/gen

[bunnidid-reviews]

is it frowned upon to wish that one could dissociate or have an alter take over in moments that are awful and stressful? genuine question

Hmmm, this blog is really more intended on reviewing and sharing media about complex dissociative disorders, or could easily be related to CDDs. Certainly not an advice blog for this or anything else > < I think any more general questions about DID can be forwarded to @sundropglass (main blog) if at all, just to stay on topic here.

But since you asked, I may as well share my perspective a little bit. I urge you to read it all.

Of course it's something anyone would want. Shut off and let the stress be taken care of for someone else? go off to fairyland a bit? It's actually an extremely sophisticated way of functioning in the midst of trauma; tuck it away, get through the thing that you might otherwise feel like you're dying from.

But where does that stress go?

Say that you had a very stressful day. Maybe one thing after another kept going wrong. And all day, there was absolutely nothing you could do because you had to carry on with a smile on your face and act like everything's fine, while more dismays pile on top of you. Maybe on top of that, you end up having an argument with a loved one and now you have social anxiety and no sense of safety or relief.

This is not out of the norm. People live very stressful lives all the time. It builds up though, all that stress is piled into your immune system if you don't have any release.(Expressing emotions in a healthy manner) It comes out in the ways that maybe you get ill, or spend all day in the bathroom, or get a migraine. This is what we call the body keeping the score (a book I should read tbh). What the mind doesnt handle(dissociates from), the body will.

This is what people with CDDs regularly go through. Trauma = stress that's beyond your range of coping. Chronic trauma means chronic stress, just stored away in pockets upon pockets where its never dealt with until much later in life. This is why I don't think I know a single system who doesn't have some sort of chronic health issues. The initial trauma may not have killed them, but maybe the health issues that come from all this chronic stress might just finish the job.

This isn't even addressing what the disorder implies mentally.

Look up the symptoms of PTSD, look into personality disorders, attachment disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. Any trauma-based symptoms could come with a CDD, because there's nearly nothing special at all about DID or OSDD. They're not sectioned off 'incredible' disorders as much as media or people on the internet will imply. We are normal people who have been hurt. A lot.

We have this disorder because no one came to save us, so we had to turn to ourselves, sometimes at an extremely young age. There's no measuring the amount of hurt it takes for a young child to feel this alone.

Going off this ask alone, but because you wish you could dissociate to such the intensity as you're suggesting, tells me that you haven't actually. Daydreaming or spacing out is a very minor case of dissociation, but the level at which you're having alters would imply that you're hoping to dissociate much further than you actually think you want. Do you not want to recognize your own spouse, or be completely unable to be present in the best moments of your life? This doesn't shut off when you're happy again.

Say fine fine fine, yes yes yes to all of this, you could deal, because at least you'd be another person who would bear the responsibility for you.

I hate to tell you this, but that's not how alters work. They are, at the end of the day, still part of you. They don't magically whisk away all this stress they face, they'd still hold onto it, be strongly effected by it, and you're a lot more likely to have the same stress come back over and over again and go unprocessed because of the fragmentation involved.

If it's to ease off some of the responsibility of being yourself, then.. Well that's not what happens with DID either. Those of us with a CDD tend to feel overly responsible for everything around us, actually. It's not the escape you're hoping for.

In a short answer: Yes it is very believable to want this disorder, to want alters. That's understandable even!

But I'm also going to say this is frowned upon. There is a LOT more to these disorders than some spacing out and some cool characters. I hope you can understand a little more why this mentality is frowned upon; no one who has it actually wants it when it comes down to it

BUT i HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ANON!! Please listen

It's okay to want to be someone else to get through the stress. It's even okay to turn off your brain and space out. These are natural human things. Just.. They don't have to be a disorder. There are some recommendations for coping that aren't hoping to have a CDD, but might suit you if you struggle with this:

Try to analyze your life and see what it is that's causing you so much stress that it makes you want to not exist in such a way. If you're in a bad environment that you can't change, there are still little things you can do to make it better for yourself

Are there things you CAN change? Maybe you can look into getting professional help or finding a new job, or even so much as regularly tidying up the space you're in

Look up coping mechinisms and grounding techniques

Take breaks and let yourself really unwind. Read a book or go outside and look at clouds or something until you feel calm. I promise this feels way better than dissociation

Fun Coping Tools That Feel Like What You Want Out Of Dee Eye Dee:

create a story in your head. If you come up with a world all your own to explore, it feels like having an inner world

Create original characters you can "be". By this I mean be imaginative like when we were all kids. >>Here's a really cool version of what adults can do if 'playing pretend' seems too childish for you<<

Have some staring out a window time. Just let your mind go for a bit

None of this has to be disordered to be helpful, and have nearly the same effect that you're hoping for.

If you are at a point where you want to not exist for suicidal reasons, I really urge you to get some help. There's always someone who wants you to be around, even if thats some time in the future.

[tanadrin]

re: Buddhism, what exactly do you mean by "spiritual psychosis"

so remember ages and ages ago when Scott reviewed that book on Buddhism on SSC, and one of the weirder features of the book was that this sober-minded, highly capable, successful fellow intimated that he actually did believe Buddhism gives you magic powers at higher levels of attainment?

like, he was coy about it, but the intimation was clear: the Sacred Texts say you can levitate and stuff, and he clearly thought they were correct, and that he had experienced that kind of thing directly.

i thought that was kind of odd at the time, and just sort of filed it away. another thing I filed away was the description of (if I remember my terminology correctly) how after achieving stream entry, you basically go through a cycle of manic and depressive episodes until you manage to meditate your way out of it.

a while back i stumbled onto a community i did not know existed, which is people on the internet who were really deep into new age spirituality (not buddhism), many of whom had experiences with, if not actual cults, then extremely insular social groups with some distinctly culty aspects.

a big feature of these people's personal experiences, as they later describe them, is basically using spirituality to avoid dealing with emotional trauma or other psychological issues. some also describe what essentially amounted to cultivated anxieties about spiritual matters to the point where they lost touch with reality. this included bouts of mania and depression.

basically, it seems possible even absent external manipulation to whip yourself up into intense mental states that cause you to perceive things that have no basis in reality; buddhist meditation seems to involve trying to induce altered mental states by definition, and it seems to involve a lot of retreats that take place in a psychologically and physically isolated space, often under the guidance of charismatic spiritual leaders.

thus is seems to me far more likely that the mystical and metaphysical claims of buddhism offer no more insight into the human condition, or to our underlying reality, than the mystical and metaphysical claims of any other spiritual tradition. and, like most of them, there is a fair amount of self-deception involved.

i realize this is all a constellation of hazy anecdote by someone with no expertise in buddhism or mental disorders, but hey, we're on the subject of controversial opinions i might be justifiably cancelled for, not well-reasoned arguments that have tons of data to back them up.

[uncloseted]

i'm just so exhausted. i just read this tweet that was like "what are your reasons for staying alive?" like assuming that EVERYONE is suicidal deep down and that's just not true. and the thing is that i'm very very mentally ill. i don't have a diagnosis. but i'm not suicidal. yes i think about it when I'm panicking and out of control but when i calm down i realise i don't want to die. and i really don't think most of these people have real clinical depression. the girls that bullied me for being

in therapy as a child and then being medicated as a teenager are on antidepressants now. i had a nervous breakdown in high school and i got suspended and i heard that some of my classmates wanted to raise money for me to get therapy. i couldn't have been the only crazy person in a class of like 30 people. or in my whole school. people with actual diagnoses seem happier and more normal than me. i don't think anyone looks at me and wishes they were me.

it's hard for me to express myself because i rarely have conversations with people. but it doesn't make me feel better to see that normal happy people have pain because their pain is not like my pain. like i thought things were so hard for me because i was mentally ill but now i see other mentally ill people who have everything i want and i'm like: what's left for me? a lobotomy? if these people have everything and they're still depressed is there even hope for me?

"social media is not real people don't show the bad things that happen to them" (or whatever) bullshit bullshit bullshit. social media taught me that apparently everyone is depressed and traumatized and autistic and has panic attacks and i get weird looks when i scream on the street because i have so much rage but at least i have enough self control to not smash my phone on the ground

I get where you're coming from for sure. It can be hard to see people with the same diagnosis that you have that are seemingly "doing better" than you are or that are "higher functioning" than you feel like you are. But I want to push back a little bit on the idea that most of the people talking about these issues online don't have clinical depression.

42% of Gen Z are formally diagnosed with at least one mental health condition, and 27% reported that their mental health was poor. 37% have received treatment or therapy from a mental health professionals. 58% of Gen Z high schoolers reported feeling depressed or sad. Data from the CDC found that, of high school students between 2011 and 2021, 22% considered suicide, 18% made a suicide plan, and 10% have attempted suicide. These numbers are higher for LGBT+ students and students of color. So you're correct that you definitely weren't the only "crazy person" in your class of 30. Based on the averages I just listed, in your class of 30, about 17 feel depressed or sad, 12 have been diagnosed with a mental health condition, 11 have been to therapy, 6 have considered suicide, and 3 have made an attempt.

We're in the middle of a very real mental health crisis. Honesty on social media is a double-edged sword, but it can be a really good thing when people speak about their experiences. There are lots of different ways that mental illness can manifest itself, and the more that people talk about their own experiences, the more people might recognize their own symptoms and seek help. Lots of people may seem fine from the outside, but have a lot of internalizing behaviors that cause them distress and impact their quality of life. Other people seem like they have their life together because of perfectionism or anxiety that stems from their mental illness, but that's still creating an intense amount of pain and suffering for them, and it's not sustainable. Just because someone else's mental illness doesn't look like ours, it doesn't mean that they're not struggling in their own way or that their pain is less valid.

In terms of what's left if even the people who seem to have everything are still unhappy, I think there are actually a lot of things, from the personal to the communal and societal.

On the individual level, treatments for mental illness are improving all the time. New antidepressants come on the market (not just SSRIs, but SNRIs, TCAs, and MAOIs), new technologies are developed (such as TMS and VNS) and other types of interventions are being explored (like ketamine therapy and other psychedelic therapies). Therapy is becoming more accessible to the average person, and there are more options for therapists and more types of therapy than there used to be. We have apps that make it easier to learn therapy skills, engage in therapeutic activities, and that remind us to engage in healthy habits that improve our mental health. We have a lot more information than we used to about what mental health is, what causes mental illnesses, and what works to support mental health and well-being.

On the community and societal levels, I think we can work on building support systems that not only make it easier for people to access the above treatments, but that decrease the likelihood that they'll need those treatments to begin with. Excuse me if I sound like a Boomer for a second, but strong communities do make a huge difference in terms of happiness and well-being. Knowing that there are people who will pick you up when you're down, that you can go to when you're struggling, that will help you make ends meet until you can take care of yourself again, those things are invaluable in bolstering the mental health of individuals. And on the flip side, having a group of people that you can do those things for improves an individual person's mental health as well- one of the things that makes people happiest is actually helping other people. It's not necessarily easy, and there are some people who are hard to get on with. But I think one of the major reasons we're seeing such a large mental health crisis is because people are isolated and lonely, and it's hard to find community even when you're intentionally seeking it out.

I guess what I'm getting at here is just that everyone is fighting their own battles that we know nothing about. It's important to offer them empathy and compassion, even if we don't totally get what they're going through. And it's important to band together as much as we can, because that's the only way we're all going to get through this.

[eggxdragoon]

I hope to stop talking about my personal life and circumstances to anyone now because the only times I have, people claim to understand and support me through it but then instantly switch and rudely use it against me as if they want to blame me and say it's my fault, as a way to insult me the second they start to hate me for other reasons

anyone who blames me for being stuck in life at the moment and finding it hard to progress in any of the ways one is expected at my age, despite knowing the reasons are fucking scum. especially when they rub it in my face like I'm just some lazy horrible stubborn piece of shit despite the mental and physical agony I'm in on a daily basis

I had years of my childhood stolen by all the horrible traumatic and depressing shit I went through that I don't even speak of and also forced isolation throughout all teen years so I never knew what it was like to be social. I'm still a stranger to the world who hasn't talked to anyone outside family in years because it's so hard and scary to even fathom now

I have anxiety that can be debilitating because the reason I was successfully lured into forced isolation is when it was initially taken advantage of by an abuser saying "see everyone hurts you and is dangerous and out to get you and are your enemy, people suck and it'd be better to live far away from all human life" and I was manipulated into believing it was true for years and when I tried to break out of that mindset I was still trapped physically because they had me trapped

I'm sick of people just being like stfu idiot and get meds and go into therapy in a condescending way even when they know this. it's so insensitive and rude and I don't care if their intentions are to help. motivation and support is going to be better than "it's all your fault you're a fucking idiot go take meds and therapy and become someone I like better and is accepted by society" those are reasons my brain tells me I deserve to suffer already, it's encouraging me to stay in it

I can't take meds for all that because the amount my mom has to be medicated and how she still uses drugs and alcohol to cope on top, how she still treated me despite that, and all the side affects that would massively fuck up my life even more as someone who already has low empathy, bouts of intense numbness where I'm especially suicidal, and how the last thing I need is for that to improve and for my dick to stop working on top of that has made it not for me, I have to find other ways

and therapy is a lot and something that's taking a lot of effort to even consider let alone push myself into it, going from someone who hasn't talked to anyone outside family for years to talking to a stranger about darkest thoughts and memories and secrets would be scary. either way I don't feel I'll ever be able to properly talk about my worst problems anyway because the things I'd have to share would be incriminating for abusers so it could be genuinely fucking dangerous and I'm scared

and then there's the way I'm so depressed it kills me and it's like I've I inherited my mom's major depression but again I can't be medicated for it. and I have to act used to it and joke about it a lot to family but the physical fatigue and chronic pain I feel is really fucking agonizing. I can't remember what it's like to not be tired and aching and sore. I can't remember what it's like to sleep normally. I wish just getting out of bed wasn't such a challenge for me mentally and physically

so fuck you for saying they're just excuses and that I'm just rejecting the idea of getting better. I CAN'T right now because the abusive fucking assholes made sure of that. I can't be a normal functioning adult because I didn't even get to be a fucking kid. not that I'm going to let the abusers win but just staying alive as long as I'm stuck in this will always be enough of a challenge as is. I'm fighting so fucking hard and nobody will understand or appreciate that effort when all I want to do most of the time is die

and this is the tip of the fucking iceberg because all the disgusting and fucked up things that happened to me that I can't talk about causes enough deep mental anguish that I can't even bear to uncover and consider taking with me to the grave. and then comes my living situation and all the tragedy in my life. but even when people know all this, as soon as they hate me I'm apparently just a liar. apparently I'm just a suicide threatener and manipulator. apparently my pain isn't real. I fucking wish it wasn't. fuck you

I've been given every reason to start repressing myself and my feelings around others again. I'm spiralling back into those thoughts of "everyone hates you and wants to hurt you" like I was taught. everyone who yelled at me about needing therapy and blaming me for not being able to and all the reasons I need it made it even harder and set me back in it. thanks a lot assholes it was already fucking hard enough as it is and you just make me reflect on it even harder when you push the idea that I'm not even trying and haven't made any progress at all

I'm sick of being so angry and miserable and in pain everyday.

[seafoamchild]

it's not that cold for january. it's been drizzly and foggy and grey. i don't mind winter when it's mild. the darkness feels cozy and the air feels fresh. it feels so relieving that 2022 is over. it was a really hard year for me - so much happened. i have no idea what 2023 will be like, but i'm just glad to lay 2022 to rest.

i'll start with some good things. i got to feel the excitement of dating someone new, of strong mutual attraction, of going on fun adventures and falling in love. i went on a lot of trips - to new mexico at the beginning of the year, which was enchanting and joyful, and to the desert with my mom in april, where we saw another desert moonrise and a sunset over the joshua trees in the mojave. i went to idaho by myself, which was a special and deeply personal trip. i went to banff with lora, where we went on amazing hikes and walked on a glacier. and i went to mexico city for NYE with some of my oldest and best friends, and we had the most wonderful time laughing and partying and exploring.

so there was a lot of camping and laughing and tripping on the beach and going on dates and trying new restaurants and dancing at the club. a lot of new music and new friends.

i guess luke was the bane of my existence this year. seriously, the entirety of 2022 was spent totally preoccupied about him in one way or another. we had plenty of happy moments together - tripping on the beach and swimming in the lake together, going on winter hikes, seeing war on drugs in concert, watching birds together, laughing and spending time together. but he didn't support me in the way that i deserved. he judged me too harshly and didn't know how to love me. everything had to be on his terms all the time. i deserve so much better than someone who tells me i should be trying harder to help myself out of depression, while at the same time offering no support or words of comfort. what a fuckhead honestly. lol. i still love him on some level, but i'm resolving to not waste any more energy this year worrying about what he thinks of me. it just doesn't matter. i showed him more grace and kindness than he ever deserved from me.

my mental health was fucking terrible this year - from being constantly anxious while dating luke, to falling into a deep and scary depression that i think had something to do with the amount of wellbutrin i was taking. i could barely keep it together at work and i had no appetite for weeks and i felt like a zombie. it was horrible. and luke invalidated my feelings and did nothing to help me, so i dumped him. and then i missed him so much for such a long time. it was so fucking confusing and intense, the amount of time i spent thinking about him and wanting to be wanted.

i quit my serving job, thinking i could get a web design job really easily like everyone told me i would. fucking lies. the job search was excruciating and demoralizing. spending hours editing my resume. spending hours submitting job applications that i knew no one would probably even read. cover letters. constantly seeing job postings for entry level positions that wanted 3 years of experience. trying to network and hitting dead ends every time. i felt so isolated and detached from reality - not having a purpose or a reason to leave the house. i couldn't take it - my depression got worse and my anxiety woke me up way too early every morning with racing thoughts. i felt like i was losing my damn mind.

i started taking lexapro at the same time that i got my serving job back - so i think both have helped me significantly. i feel so much better now. things don't feel so dire. i don't feel like i have to figure out my entire life by tomorrow. i feel like i can breathe. i like seeing people at work and being social and feeling like i'm good at my job. i like making money and going on trips. i like feeling at home.

i'm trying not to be so consumed with What i'm gonna do with my life, and trying to just be present. i have so much. i have a good income for my lifestyle, i have really good friends, i have a good living situation, i have hobbies, and i have money to go on trips. things are okay for now. and i think this past year has made me kinder and more generous.

[anxiousprocrastinator]

TEENAGE DREAMS TO BODY DYSMORPHIA PIPELINE: BEAUTY FILTERS

Beauty filters are automated photo editing technologies that employ artificial intelligence and computer vision to detect and modify facial traits (Ryan-Mosley 2021). They have grown in popularity since 2016, when social networking applications such as Snapchat and Instagram began offering AR filters.

The monster on your phone

At first, it was just over-the-top filters that were clearly for fun and games, but as time passed and users' ability to create filters increased, this invention began to go off the rails with filters that were more subtle, such as applying makeup to your face and making a slight change to your shape. These filters fit society's beauty ideals, which teens, who make up the majority of users on many of these photo sharing networks, want to embrace. These adjustments made them more confident in posting photos on the Internet, but the damage was more than predicted. This leads to the cycle of teenagers who exit their apps and look themselves in the mirror, feeling incomplete without altering their details or bodies, leading to body dysmorphia.

 This is a mental health problem in which a person spends a significant amount of time worrying about defects in their looks (NHS 2020). Others frequently fail to see these faults. But they see it as their personal demon.

The monster in your head

I also caught it during some of the most significant years of my adolescence while under lockdown. No one had the opportunity to see me back then, so I chose to use filters to change my appearance to one that was more well-kept. I was happy looking at those photographs, but when I got offline, it caused intense negative feelings about my perspective and anxiety when I finally had to mingle after COVID. These symptoms are prevalent among others who have had the same experience as myself. More extreme situations may lead to eating disorders, depression, and the desire to undergo cosmetic surgery (Alsaidan et al. 2020).

This sparks a heated debate on how to prevent individuals, particularly impressionable teens, from acquiring the unhealthy habit of overusing beauty filters. It is critical to be aware of how heavily we rely on filters and to prioritise self-acceptance and love. Seeking expert therapy, as well as support from loved ones, can help you overcome bad feelings and unhealthy appearance behaviours.

Reaching out

It's vital to remember that social media frequently displays an unattainable ideal of beauty, and it's acceptable not to constantly look flawless. Seeking assistance from friends, family, or a therapist can help you navigate these emotions and gain confidence. Remember that true beauty comes from within, and embracing your unique characteristics is what is truly important. Practicing mindfulness, engaging in enjoyable hobbies, and surrounding oneself with positive influences can all help enhance our mental health.

REFERENCE LIST

1, Ryan-Mosley, T 2021, ‘Beauty Filters Are Changing the Way Young Girls See Themselves’, MIT Technology Review, viewed <https://www.technologyreview.com/2021/04/02/1021635/beauty-filters-young-girls-augmented-reality-social-media/>.

2, NHS 2020, ‘Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)’, nhs.uk, viewed <https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/body-dysmorphia/>.

3, Alsaidan, MS, Altayar, NS, Alshmmari, SH, Alshammari, MM, Alqahtani, FT & Mohajer, KA 2020, ‘The prevalence and determinants of body dysmorphic disorder among young social media users: A cross-sectional study’, Dermatology Reports, vol. 12, no. 3, viewed <https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7772767/>.

[coolfire333]

Really depressing moment in therapy when I was trying to figure out why I get intense interest in media or activities that last for weeks on end and occupy the forefront of my brain for that amount of time (to the point where everything reminds me of it) that made me realize the incredibly transient nature of these intense interests

I was looking into adhd hyperfixation and was like maybe that's not what I'm experiencing, it's not disrupting my work life or social life so maybe it's an autistic special interest and it turns out I have autism? But nah, after some consideration I don't really seem to fit most of the autism criteria and the ways I do fit could probably be explained by my adhd, ocd, and anxiety

So I was looking more into hyperfixations and adhd and, from what I understood, they form from the dopamine rush you get from a new interest. Like "ooo, shiny new thing!! Better learn all about it!"

The realization that it IS about the novelty of the experience SUCKS SEVERELY because I realized that once the novelty wears off, and it's only a matter of time before the novelty does wear off, I am suddenly rendered passionless about that same topic. I mean I still care about whatever it is in theory, it just feels like I'm going through the motions when "enjoying" it, I run out of ideas and excitement entirely and I get this weird empty feeling like I'm unable to remember what being interested in the thing felt like in the first place

[eli-i-23porfolio]

High School Timeline

Here is the timeline of the most significant things that happened in my four years in High School. I chose a song to represent every event, not because the meaning of the song matches the event but because it was my favorite song during hat time. So excuse some of the cringy music, I was 14!

El - Freshman year - 2019-2020

- Scared to start high school in a different area, missing all my friends while they went to another high school together 

Getting It On - Sales 

- Dealt with social anxiety and had trouble making friends for two months

Crashing Into You - Vance Joy

- Finally bult up the courage and joined a group of Juniors who were extremely nice and welcoming 

Ms - alt-j

- Just when I was starting to make new friends COVID hit

Alone - Lund

- Directionless in terms of life 

The Devil’s Tears - Angus & Julia Stone

Elif - Sophmore Year - 2020-2021

- Dealt with intense amounts of social anxiety and outbursts

Down By The River - Milky Chance

- Lost almost all of my friends from middle school because of quarantine and turned to online communities and books, tv shows, and video games 

Through The Cellar Door - Lanterns on the Lake

- Still directionless, couldn’t stick with a hobby or skill for more than a few months

Death With Dignity - Sufjan Stevens 

- Applying to UC Berkeley embARC summer program about environmental design and architecture and getting in

Reflections - The Neighborhood 

- Having a blast and making friends and learning so much through online classes that summer 

Freaks - Surf Curse

Eli - Junior Year - 2021-2022

- Went into this year full of hope and determined to make new friends and focus on college

Closure - Trevor Daniel

- Gathered up the courage to join a friend group that I didn’t know anybody in and a club at school

Middle of Somewhere - The Neighborhood

- Made good friends with them and finally enjoyed going to school

Afterglow - The Driver Era

- Shaving my head

U&ME - alt-j

- Dealt with self-perception issues 

What Once Was - Her’s

- Got my first job and earning money, was more independent and finally got over my social anxiety

Just - Radiohead

- Met new people through old friends

Let It Happen - Tame Impala

- Started to learn how to play the bass for the first time

From The Ritz To The Rubble - Arctic Monkeys

- Being more sure of myself and making plans for college and applications

Helmet - Steve Lacy

Eli - Senior Year - 2022-2023

- Took another architecture program at California College of Arts in San Francisco and had a great summer 

Why Are Sundays So Depressing - The Strokes

- Started the year with a whole new group of friends I genuinely enjoy being with and got in my first relationship. Had a lot of plans about school and college applications

Growing/Dying - The Backseat Lovers

- Suddenly had to deal with heavy depression and a loss of motivation

Reckoner - Radiohead

- Feeling like I wasted all four years of high school and I was never happy

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

- Flunked out and had to make up credits outside of school and had to quit my job

Entombed - Deftones 

- Messed up my college applications which made my depression even worse

Pictures of You - The Cure

- Dealt with suicidal and self destructive thoughts

Life Worth Missing - Car Seat Headrest

- When I came back to my high school I gave up on everything but I knew I had to try to graduate

No Hard Feelings - Wolf Alice

- Was a camp leader at YMCA Camp Campbell for a week and it was the best week of my entire senior year

Pines - Men I Trust

- Lost most of my friends because they did things that really hurt me

Chateau (Feel Alright) - Djo

- Only had my boyfriend and a few friends to support me 

Lovers Rock - TV Girl

- Finally got a new job and tried harder at school and joined a band 

Grounded - Pavement

- Feel like a completely changed person from when you started high school

4AM - Bastille 

At the end I genuinely feel like my junior and senior year were the years that changed me the most and made me who I am today but without freshman and sophmore year I wouldn’t have made that transition and come to this place. The name that people called me during that time represent that as well. 

[purplespaceace]

very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.

[imaginesntingz]

Imagine Gaara comforting you when the depression and anxiety hit

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Swearing(?)

A/N: Hey y’all! This is my first post on this blog. I hope you all enjoy it <3 Please don’t copy any of my works. It’s all originally written and I put a lot of time and effort into my pieces. Please ask me before reposting.

————————-

You were curled up in bed staring into nothingness. The past week or two you’ve tried to keep it at bay, but you felt the ever lingering depression creeping its way in. Nothing in particular happened. It was just always there. There wasn’t a time you could remember it not being there. Sometimes it was muffled like background noise and other times the volume was turned up so loud it was the only thing you could hear. It was your constant companion following you like a shadow. And to top it all off, anxiety was right behind it. You thought about overthinking and overthought about thinking. Racing thoughts kept you up sometimes until the sun shone through the blinds.

Everyone wondered why you were so quiet at times, but they couldn’t hear the ass beating you were getting from your own mind that made it almost impossible to be in the present moment. Nor could you find the energy, the language, nor a fuck to give to even begin to explain the war going on inside you. Temari invited you out to what you thought would be a small kickback yesterday that ended up being a full blown party. Gaara, who was supposed to go with you, was inevitably called in for village business. You ended up socially tapped after just a few hours in. Although Temari was with you and you met up with some chill friends . . Although you were surrounded by people, you still felt completely alone. Although you heard the words coming out of their mouths, you couldn’t keep up with what they were saying. Although you were physically there, you weren’t there. You wanted so badly to just enjoy yourself like everyone else, but it was what it was. After pleading with your sister in law, you finally went home only to find that Gaara was still in the office. One final push that sent you

Spiraling

down

And there you were exhausted but painfully awake in the darkness of your shared room. You didn’t know how long you were lying there. There was no time, only the bottomless ocean that swallowed anything and everything you tried to drop into it. No amount of journaling, affirmations, meditation, prayer, movement, walking, entertainment, pet cuddling, food, water, medication, vitamins, herbs, epsom salt baths, incense, face masks or any of the methods you’ve tried felt tangible to you in that moment. What was the point when you didn’t even have the will to move? How could you think of going on a mission next week when you couldn’t guarantee you’d attempt to leave your room tomorrow? How were you going to take care of your hair if you couldn’t even braid, twist or put it up for the night? How could you call yourself a caring friend when you’re thinking about canceling the dinner you’ve already rescheduled twice?

“My love? Why are you still awake?”

Your husband’s soothing voice jolted you out of your inner dialogue. You hadn’t even heard him come in, too lost in the wall in front of you.

“ . . . Can’t sleep.”

You heard the sound of the door closing and hushed shuffling as he moved around the room. A few moments later, you felt his weight dip the mattress beside you. A warm arm wrapped around your middle, gently pulling you to his chest. His hand moved to intertwine with yours as he spooned you from behind.

“How did it go with Temari? Again I’m sorry I wasn’t able to go with you. I hope you had a good time.”

“It’s fine. It was fine.” you replied flatly.

Gaara caressed the back of your thumb with his own as silence filled the space between you. His lips met the skin of your shoulder and you felt your body gradually relax into his embrace. He was never one to push you when you weren’t ready to talk and always made you feel grounded back to earth with his very presence. Even amidst his many responsibilities as Kazekage, he always made sure to check in on you and provide whatever you may want or need. He would do anything for you if it meant you would feel loved, safe, balanced and happy. Gaara, sweet Gaara, was the love of your lifetimes and you, his. He knew you better than he knew himself and picked up on every detail. Your likes and dislikes. How you took your tea in the morning. Your sensitivities. Every expression. Your body language. The tone in your voice. The slightest change in your eyes. So it was no surprise that he picked up on the shift in your mood right away.

“(y/n) . . . Sweetheart, It’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it right now, but please know that I am here. I love you more than words can express. I am here to listen and support you in any way that I can. I always will be. You know that, right?”

And with that, you couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. Your body trembled as he maneuvered you to face him. He wrapped his arms firmly around you, cocooning you into the safety of his hold. You buried your face into his chest and the calming scent of earth and cinnamon enveloped your senses. Your tears and running nose wetted the shirt he wore, but he didn’t care. Soft kisses were pressed to the crown of your head as his fingers trailed up and down the length of your spine, occasionally drawing soothing circles. You turned your head to listen to the steady rhythm of his heart pressed against you before finally catching your breath to speak.

“I-I’m just so tired of fighting just to be okay all the time. I’ve been taking steps to take care of my mental health, but it still feels like it isn’t enough. It’s like one day I’m fine and a couple days later it feels like I’m back at square one. I just want to exist sometimes. No expectations. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to be anything. I just want to be.”

He squeezed you gently at your words, pausing thoughtfully before responding.

“You once told me that your dream is to become the peace within and despite the chaos inside of you. The chaos all around us. You said that you wish to heal yourself and pass on healing to others. I know it is easy to lose sight of it when you’re in the midst of what feels like a never ending battle, but I wanted to remind you of it because I never want you to lose hope.”

Your eyes widened in shock and turned glassy as he continued on.

“You have brought me out of the depths of the greatest despair and have played a huge role in supporting me in healing from my past. Your love is medicine to my heart. There were times when I was lost that you reminded me to never lose sight of my dream. To never lose sight of what truly matters. Even in the most difficult times, you have always found hope where others have felt hopeless. That is one of the many reasons I love you. I am your husband, so let me be your strength when you are tired and feel you can’t go on because you are my strength, dear wife. We can get through this together. Remember that healing is a lifelong journey, not a destination. So take it one day at a time. Hour by hour or minute by minute if that’s what it takes. You’re so hard on yourself sometimes, but look how far you’ve come to be here. Right now. How much you’ve grown. I want you to know that I am so proud of you, sweetheart. I hope that you can come to be proud of your accomplishments too.”

A fresh wave of tears came over you, but for a completely different reason this time. You practically tackled your poor mans onto his back and your lips met in an intense yet equally loving kiss. His hands worshipped the expanse of your hips and time fell away. Vibrations hummed throughout your body as you pulled back to look into those seafoam green eyes. His red hair and pale complexion highlighted by the light of the moon peeking through the window. He was ethereal.

“I love you, Gaara. So much. I am so happy that you exist. Honestly when you speak so openly and directly like that I feel like my heart is gonna burst through my chest . . . fuckkkk. In a good way though! But seriously, thank you for being you. I never thought I’d be able to say this to someone without fear, but . . when I am with you, I know that I am home. You are my home, love. ”

His eyes softened before a huge grin spread across his now blushing features. Gaara didn’t smile often, but when he did it was a sight to behold. It was like feeling the warmth of a sunrise for the first time. An all encompassing glow.

He sat up and cupped both of your cheeks in his hands, tears now mirroring your own. “I couldn’t have put it better myself. Do you know how beautiful you are? Truly? Your beauty radiates from the inside out. Honestly, what have I done to deserve you?”

“Sir, have you taken a good look at yourself lately? That’s my line. Fight me. Right now.” you deadpanned playfully.

A look of genuine concern crossed over his face. His hands settled on your waist and his posture noticeably drooped.

“(y/n), I would never fight you.”

“ . . . Gaara, I was just joking. I know you wouldn’t.”

“Sarcasm?”

“Mhm.”

“ . . . Right. I should have known. I’ll do better next time.” he sighed dejectedly.

Your body shook with laughter at your man’s adorably serious face. He’s always trying his best. Only Gaara could go from holding space through your tears of sadness, to making you cry from happiness, to having you doubled over with laughter within a matter of moments just by being authentically himself.

“I love you so fucking much, my sweet Gaara.”

“And I, you. My beautiful (y/n).”

You both slept soundly that night in a tangle of limbs, not knowing where one ended or the other began. Two, who together, are one.

[susansontag]

hi! regarding your question about systems – prepare for this to get Very long, sorry! feel free to ignore i'm just very interested in stuff like this.

did (disassociative identity disorder) is a real thing. it's basically a disorder that is caused from prolonged trauma that occurs in early childhood (before 6 years old i believe? but either way it's before the person has developed one whole personality & sense of the self). did makes the person's mind basically split into multiple personalities, as a way to distance themselves from the trauma experienced. the different alters have different memories, personalities, etc. however they can eventually be integrated (like, fused) into one self via intense therapy and whatnot. there are also other disorders that can cause systems to form (osdd-1a and osdd-1b)

HOWEVER!! (and this is very important) did and osdd are very Very rare and recently an unlikely amount of people (teenagers) on tiktok and tumblr are claiming to have these disorders. it's impossible for sure to say they're faking, but it seems very likely considering a few things:

1. did can typically only be diagnosed (and even concretely appear) once a person reaches adulthood (afaik the most common age for diagnosis is 30) so if the person in question is younger, they may be faking (most people phrase their age as "body is [age]")

2. most systems on social media nowadays almost entirely consist of introjects (people from specific sources. most commonly this would mean, for example, an abused child creating a version of their father in their mind. an introject from a fictional source would be like if during your childhood abuse you watched a lot of superhero movies and convinced yourself you would be able to stop the abuse if you were superman (shit example but i hope you get what i mean)) from popular, recent media. if a system has loads of alters from whatever is the new cool thing, chances are they're faking, because a new alter can only split when something majorly traumatic happens. introjects are typically very uncommon, too.

so, like, yeah, a ton of teenagers online are faking did. i'm trying not to drag this out for too long (ha) but i could talk for ages about why that is. some are definitely aware they are faking and are doing it for attention/popularity, however i personally believe it's mostly people who genuinely believe they have did. think the old tumblr glorifying depression and anxiety craze + the isolation teens went through in quarantine. it's the same old stuff, they're just doing it with did and osdd (and bpd, and tic disorders, etcetera etcetera) now instead of anxiety and depression, and i fear developing some fictionalized offshoots of the disorders in the meantime. similarly, but in my experience more rarely, teenage girls online are glorifying eating disorders and developing very real, serious eating disorders in the process. i don't know. it's definitely concerning and cannot be healthy (but, of course, the current internet climate glorifies personal suffering.)

idk!!! i feel very strongly about all of this – i've looked into it a lot and seen it personally in strangers, friends and even myself. fake did systems can definitely be annoying but at the same time i kind of feel for them.

again, sorry for the digression!! not sure if any of this even makes sense, i'm just very interested & involved & concerned about this. sorry if all of that was barely coherent or something 👍

it wasn't incoherent at all! thank you for this information. it's basically kind of just as I thought, it feels a lot of people are either faking or may seriously believe they have DID when they don't. I guess it's likely some may have genuine issues with disassociation too... it's very freaky the way this is happening to young people online. reminds me of the 'reality shifting' kids on tiktok

[life-rewritten]

True Beauty; Problematic Bullies and Strained Friendships

Can I just say that these two episodes of true beauty have left me again with so much anger and disappointment? I've just spent the last 30 minutes sighing and shaking my head and cursing some of these stupid, frustrating characters. Now it's not even Soojin I'm cursing surprisingly, I have a different bone to pick with her, and a different perspective, but it's everyone in that stupid school, society, just everyone who switched at the end of episode 12. Now I did see it coming, but the fact that it's the same video of Kyung being treated like an animal that is what got them to switch without any morals or understanding, or pity, is so disgusting to me. I'm left cursing all the people who were Kyung's friend, who supported her and then just left her by her self to deal with this because of pettiness and anger that she lied to them. Make it make sense. The characters in this show sometimes act like one-dimensional puppets just doing whatever is the status quo, robotically seeing someone as of less worth because of their looks, feeling cheated for no reason (like she's not even friends with some of these people) because someone 'ugly' is hiding behind makeup, like what? It doesn't add up. Anyway apart from the focus on bullying which I will be breaking down more, I'm glad to see the tag and social media is less focused on the love triangle and more understanding about Suho now, I mean why not, he's a good boyfriend, but what I actually wanted to praise was the depiction of friendship with Suho, Seyeon and Seojun, and Suho and Seojun's journey in reuniting their bond again. It made me cry a few times, and it was very heartwarming. But it's just depleting my energy, even more, when I have to contrast it with Soojin's downfall. Sigh what a depressing reveal as a villain. Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts so let's get to it.

THE PROBLEM WITH BULLYING

What I like about True Beauty is that it does these interesting foreshadows/mirroring to certain situations that the audience will soon see show up. In episode 11, Suho is broken down and haunted by the reveal of what happened to his best friend however the show fleshes out and gives us more information, and depth to Seyeon as a character and the intense friendship between the three boys. At first, I wondered where this flashback would lead us to; however, I started to notice the similarities, the foreboding trajectory of Kyung's storyline in episode 11/12 to Seyeon's own betrayal and downfall.

Seyeon's story of how he became framed by his bullies once they discovered he was famous is so startling and similar to how JK's ruin takes place. She got immensely known and was put in the spotlight, and then because of a bully and someone she calls a friend; she was also framed differently as being someone who she isn't. The same reasons why Seyeon was attacked was because he lied about who he was, he had a lot of people who loved and admired him, and his reveal betrayed them, he was set up because of coldness, callousness and manipulation. This is the same with Kyung by the end of episode 12.

Let's talk about how True Beauty shows bullying as a focus; We have different characters that are connected, affected and pushed to the brink because of bullying. We also have the bullies some surprising; some just disgusting and frustrating, but also society plays a role in this bullying as well. Let's look at the characters:

Seyeon: Framed and Misunderstood 

First of all, it's heartbreaking to know more about what happened to Seyeon in the past, and it's even painful to know his story ended. From what I'm getting from his life story, Seyeon was quiet, shy, introverted but I think he also was a bully victim. He changed his name to Seyeon when he moved and found Suho and Seojun, and because of them, he learnt to fall more in love with his passion; music. (This is so eerily similar to Kyung changing her past, also finding her own passion and happiness which is makeup). Now he felt alone all his life before this because he was getting bullied and finally he got his debut as a star, and he managed to become more confident, successful and happy.

The problem is his bullies weren't letting go (like the frustrating harpies of Park Se Mi), they decided to make his life hell, so they posted a rumour, that Seyeon wasn't who he said he was (which might be true, he changed his identity probably to run away from the past) but they also made up more about him, they framed him instead as the bullies, and they twisted his story. Because of their actions, and Seoyeon feeling like his past was brought back, when he ran to Suho to ask for help, he felt like Suho believed the news and broke down in despair by himself in anxiety, probably PTSD and depression and he took his life.

Now let's pause there for a minute because we now know how this affected Suho significantly, but this is how True Beauty emphasises the amount of pain, suffering and anxiety Kyung ends up in, in episode 12. The same heartbreak, the same fear, the same worries, and the same comments and people dragging her down because of her looks. Now with Seyeon, as much as I hate cancelling nature, and social media bullying, the reveal that he was a bully, despite it not being real, I can understand some of the reactions people would have against him because as we're seeing, bullies in Korean Culture aren't cute, they're worse than other bullies, they drive people to take their lives with the extent of physical, emotional and psychological harm they inflict on someone. People thinking Seyeon was one of those people is quite shocking and should be called out; however compare this to Kyung's own situation.

Whilst Seyeon was being attacked for a valid reason from society, Kyung was being attacked for being ugly. Like compare causing harm to people by psychologically and emotionally abusing them to not having the perfect face structure, having acne because you were born that way, like compare that to what Seyeon was being blamed for. Does that make sense? And the frustrating thing about it is Kyung has a right to hide if she wants to under makeup, it's not like people have really given her a choice to avoid taking things this way. The upsetting thing about this is it's not just a picture of Kyung's face that is causing this uproar of feeling betrayed. It's not a picture where she seems happy and safe, and her life is unbothered by these things she has to hide. But it's a video of her being treated as less than a human, a video where she is being taunted and spoken to vilely, a video where she's having trash tossed on her, and she's breaking down psychologically and emotionally. A video where she's genuinely being denounced for being born.

It's unsettling. And it's ironic because Seyeon was being attacked and talked about by righteous teens about bullying and being woke about people who do this, but really society just stands by idly and judge someone because they're ugly. Being ugly is apparently enough reason for why bullying is okay, it's enough because she apparently shouldn't be allowed to live her life how she wants, it's so sick, they'd throw pitchforks at Seyeon for being the bully of people but also turn a blind eye and join in with bullying a girl because she doesn't fit their natural standards of beauty? It's sick.  It's unsettling, and it calls out the hypocrisy of people, people who just want to see people lower than them suffer. What gives them the right to speak about Kyung this way? What makes them superior to her? Because they're pretty? Because they don't have acne? Like what is the problem? Why are they so butthurt by her hiding her face with makeup and looking good. I just don't understand it. I'm very emotional about this as you can tell, so I'm going to have to move on, I just wanted the parallel of Seyeon and Kyung's storyline to be noticed.

Kyung; Ignored and Betrayed

Let's focus on Kyung in episode 11/12. She goes through her normal anxiety and worries, and at first, she doesn't communicate her fears to Suho. But I have to say that Kyung was starting to realise that she couldn't be paralysed by her PTSD. Actually, she bravely goes to Soojin to confess about Suho which I was so proud of her for, but she also goes back to save Hyemi from her bullies despite her anxiety and worry she'll get found out. Her concern was valid, stopping Semi was going to put a target on her back, and also Hyemi betrayed her before, so she has every right to feel some kind of way towards her. However, despite that, Kyung stood up for someone else in her position again. And it's something that I love about her, and I think she'll probably find her dream job doing, later on, we've seen her do this with Gowoon and help her come of her anxiety and depression and put makeup on her to get confidence and sing in front of people.

We saw her protect Hyemi this episode; I'm sure that's what she'll do in the future is help girls like her who feel the same broken, fear, and pain at how they were born. She'll be someone who stands up and helps them regain their confidence like Selena did for her. It's really inspiring and wonderful to see her find that passion slowly and make her dreams come true in that way. Kyung helping Hyemi shows her character, and she could have been like these slimy people and try and get revenge or be annoyed at her forever, but she just walks away and lets her be and prevents her from ending up in the same state she was in, in episode 1.  The sad, painful truth is Kyung has been proven right, why she was so afraid to trust people, to tell people about who she really was, why she struggled with trusting Suho with the information, people are fickle, and they switch based on shallow things, like appearance, popularity, money etc. Kyung's friends proved to her that she was right to not trust them with it, even Soojin who was meant to be her helping hand sat there (I mean she's the person who caused it) but she sat there and watched Kyung deal with her break down. It's just so messed up.

Hyemi; Forced and Tormented

Speaking of Hyemi, Hyemi also showed the same reasons for why Kyung has been so scared and worried about everything; these bullies are so weird, they make it their life goal to keep someone as their victim under this messed up of form of slavery and ownership. Hyemi ran away after feeling guilty of what happened to Kyung, she reported Semi and her harpies and tried to restart her life. Like Kyung, however, she got caught immediately, and we see what would have happened if Kyung hadn't leaned in heavily to makeup at the start. She won't be able even to walk the streets without those bullies finding her and getting her back under their abuse. And it's so disgusting. Semi is so worrying as a person; sometimes I feel like she deserves jail for all the pain she causes to people. She takes pleasure in breaking people down because she's afraid they'd take away her spotlight? I don't really understand this type of need for power, but it's disgusting. As much as Hyemi disappointed me in episode 1, she has no choice like Kyung but to betray her friend because it's soul-crushing the type of bullying, her and Kyung go through because of these girls. She has no choice in the matter because even when she tries to do good, they find her and they make her life even more hellish, and because she's 'ugly' as people keep saying, no one helps her, like with Kyung. They sit by and watch and say she deserves it. And the one person who does help every time has also been transformed because of her own bullying situation. And it's again heartbreaking.

Soojin; Regressed and Transformed

So remember how I said that Soojin is not who I'm cursing by the end of this episode. I'm so angry and upset at her; I was also disappointed with the writing because it's basic and I detest girl hate. Soojin's character has now been ruined officially; there's no way she can come back from her actions this episode. She's become essentially like Semi, and it's painful to watch. First of all, she tried to pretend things were okay in episode 11, she did try, but her feelings and her reliance on Suho was more critical, and as much as I hate her, I can understand her desperation.

Suho is the only person who knows and can help her with her own bullying situation. She's being even more bullied harshly by her own father, she's also being psychologically, emotionally and physically tormented and she can't escape this person. It's haunting. And it's heartbreaking because she doesn't truly have friends (apart from Kyung) because she's always the one people rely on (like Suho), she's put in this state of always being the person who defends, and fights, and protects and does what's right. Her life is seen as privileged, and great, and wealthy, and she has everything even the looks that Kyung desperately suffers because of. She's always had to rely on her strength and her self and her brains, but when she's broken and exhausted and needs someone to run to; Suho was that person, and now Kyung was making Suho not be able to be that person.

Her mindset is ruined because she can't find anyone else to turn to, her father is just as influential as Suho's father and the school won't protect her from him and need her good grades to stay with the reputation they seek, no adult can defeat her father, and so she's stuck. It's so worrying, watching her run into her room and she couldn't escape him because he was pounding on the door determined to enter and hit her more. And her mother is spineless and lets it happen, so Soojin is the most broken character and the most alone out of everyone in the show. Kyung is going through a lot of trauma, and her situation is so messed up but Kyung at the end of the day has Suho, she has Seojun as well, though she doesn't know the extent, she has her family even though her mum is not the best, she has her dad, her sister etc. Soojin has no one to run to. Kyung can't do anything to help her with the situation, and Kyung is taking away the one thing that probably could help her in her opinion.

Everyone is quick to hate and judge Soojin but her character arc makes sense because at the end of the day there is really no other place to run to, to avoid regressing into self-harm (washing her hands till they bleed and crack) but to put that pain on others, to feel resentment, jealousy, anger and desperation to get rid of an obstacle. Sadly, she had to endure this torment and become a shell of her self because she's now going to take it too far and it won't be forgivable if she keeps on making Kyung feel like she shouldn't be alive. It won't be right no matter what. And we see how far she can go by her actions in episode 12. She may be the typical second lead female we wanted her not to be, but she's written well, and her trajectory makes sense. I just hope she reforms before it's too late.

So bullying is a big deal in True Beauty, it's what's really causing all our characters to spiral into the trauma and pain they are in. Suho and Seojun may not be bullied, but they're co-products of it, by losing Seyeon they also had to suffer because of what bullying does. In a world where the adults aren't truly dependable, are more distracted by the need for reputation, status and fame, and act inhumanely when it comes to the suffering of these teens, who could really help our characters? They're all going through their pain and trauma alone and being pushed to the point of seeing life as futile and empty. Everyone in true beauty is a victim of this callous society and adults. And it's unsettling.

THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT WERE STRAINED

But this post is also about friendship. One thing that also was mirrored was the importance of friendship; if the teens all join together to protect their peers, if they all show unity and love and understanding to someone, they could save a life. Friendship apart from Kyung's was really great to see. However, there was a parallel with Suho and Seojun and Kyung and Soojin. I also wanted to say the annoying implications that women friendships have to always to be this way is frustrating; women aren't always conniving and manipulative and fickle when it comes to love, it's sad to see Suho and Seojun discuss so happily and calmly about liking the same girl and in the same episode watch Kyung break down and be brutally betrayed because Soojin liked the same guy as her. Like what message are you putting out? More on the bromance of Seojun, Suho and Seyeon. I find it fascinating because for so long, I wondered why this friendship was so important, like why these three are so tied to each other. But after episode 11 to 12, it's obvious. Like I said these three had had their own volatile situations that made them feel all alone and empty even Seojun actually and finding each other was what ignited their passion for life and brought them happiness and joy. Let me explain more in each character's pov.

Suho; Neglected and Withdrawn

Suho had struggled with a father figure and resentment at the whole world, he had to become self-providing basically and had no emotional support. It's so lonely to hear him talk about how alone he was from a very young age, his father was already distant from him (neglectful probably couldn't handle the mother's death but he also was cheating, so it's a bit ironic), he had no one to live with, and he had to take care of himself alone. But also there was resentment for his father because of the paparazzi tormenting him when he was younger, he felt suffocated by the reputation, popularity and status of his father and his father wasn't there to help him with that. You could say it's because Suho pushed him away, but no it's still a duty as a father to fight to come in and spend time with your son, to ask how he's doing, to check in on him in his house like how has he never once tried to force Suho to spend time with him and communicate their differences? Sigh.

So anyway the reason why Suho needed Seyeon and Seojun is because it was the first time he had people to run to and talk to, and it ignited this passion in him to do something he loves. Music. It's actually depressing when we see his phone in episode 12, he has no contacts apart from Kyung, his father, and maybe the high school guy—like Suho had no one for a long time until he met Kyung again.  But we also see his transformation in this episode, because he's more animated, lively, happy because yes Kyung and him are in love but also because Seojun is back into his life. Seojun and him basically reunite. Despite teasing and acting gruff and emotionless with each other, (because they've been separated for a while) they finally have each other again, they're still close. They still care for each other immensely; they're each others priority. And it's so sweet to watch despite the one painful thing about Seojun having feelings for Kyung.  But even then Seojun staying over at Suho's house and them laughing, and fighting and acting up, even Kyung noticed how different Suho had become. And I don't know it just made my heart warm. So that's what friendship was for Suho, he had two people who he was devoted to, who made him want to have something in life and be trusting again of people. They cared for him and nurtured him in their own way and helped him feel not alone. So congrats to Suho and Seojun reuniting.

Seojun; Responsibility and Pressure

  And now Seojun is a fascinating character. I tend to avoid analysing him because he's always happy, has a comfortable lifestyle; good friends, a good mum, a sister who cares about so much, etc. His life apart from the angst with Seyeon is so problem-free. He doesn't need to be jealous or sad, or traumatised because he's in a suitable environment mentally and he also is a good person. But let's go back to the past before Seyeon's demise. Seojun probably also felt alone and empty. Let me explain Seojun mentions that he used to envy Suho because of his wealth, his father in his life and his reputation. This makes us realise what Seojun thought he lacked, he apparently struggled a bit with poverty and not always having everything; he also didn't have a father figure in his life. In fact, we praise how good he is as a son, but it must have been so difficult to become the responsible man of the house as we put it when he was younger, one he had to worry about his mum's health, and take care and provide for her, two, he had to take care and protect his sister hence why he's so protective, he had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders to deal with.

And I think the one time he felt free and happy at first was probably when he made music with Suho and Seyeon. Because he doesn't have to think about responsibilities, or how to help his mum and more, so that's probably what he gained from their friendship a place to just be a teen and have fun. Obviously it's revealed, Suho helped his mom when she was ill, and that was heartwarming again to find out because these three were so protective and caring for each other, so loyal and bonded, and I think it's precious to see that. Obviously, after Seyeon's downfall, Seojun was resentful, angry and frustrated and he joined his gang of new friends, and they're so sweet, and just as devoted to him, it also made him more rebellious and more prone to fights because he had anger to let out but also his mum started to get better, so he was still frustrated and depressed about the circumstances but he had somewhere else to fall on, his new friends and his taking his anger out when he could. The only thing that probably was very hurtful more than just Seyeon was choosing to give on his dreams for music. However now he and Suho have reunited I think his music will come back, that passion is between him and Suho, and it's their dream.

Seyeon; Alone and Afraid

And well from my analysis you know what these two meant to Seoyeon, his letter is so heartbreaking and also beautiful because like they were all he had. And they just helped him find that confidence, that passion for life and companionship that he needed. And it's so sad he's not still with them. However Seyeon was truly a victim, and because of his influence on both Suho and Seojun, it's why they'd be able to help Kyung deal with everything she has to deal with in the next episodes. Because of Seoyeon, and also because his sister is the same as Kyung, Seojun is very protective and determined to prevent more losses in his life. Suho was at the rooftop and helped Kyung, stayed by her side and understood her when she had no one else making her feel loved for who she was because of Seyeon's effect on him. He also was determined not to have someone else end up in that situation. Because of this, they both will be able to help her get through it, and that's why I'm not as frightened or worried about her because she has these two great guys who won't stand back and let her do this on her own.

As much as true beauty is about a love triangle  between these three, it's also a really touching friendship between all of them. Kyung becomes like the weird replacement (not really) for Seyoeon because she brings back that passion and zeal into these two's lives, and she provides a companionship to them that is different from others, they also do the same for her. So I'm delighted despite the heartbreaks and loss that they found each other, I'm glad they're friends at the end of the day, they care about each other a lot, and even if Seojun somehow ends up the third wheel and the one that's left out a bit, I'm glad that his friendship with Kyung and Suho is still more important to him than vindictiveness or jealousy. Then again, like I said Seojun compared to Soojin is in a different headspace, environment and has more from life than she does. Her mistakes and her betrayal hurts, but it makes sense, I just hope she grows and changes before it's too late. I hope she finds love, peace and happiness someday. Everyone deserves that.

[littlejanesilver]

The Human Experience (now with paragraph breaks!)

I know it’s not a popular ideology to have right now, because so much we see in the news appears to speak against it, but I think humans are basically an altruistic, cooperative species— with a few caveats. So many of our problems arise out of the fundamental mismatch between the world our species evolved to live in and the world we live in today. Empathy is a natural feature of the human experience. We teach our children positive prosocial behaviours like sharing their food and caring for others who are sick or hurt. We survive and build through cooperative behaviour. Kindness is instinctual and the instinct is reinforced through proper socialization. I’ve seen it in my children before they could even speak, trying to offer a pat on the back or comfort to a crying sibling. Normal, socialized humans feel physical and mental distress in ourselves when we see others in distress and are eager to alleviate it. The thing is human altruism, like that of other primates who live and hunt in groups is usually predicated on face to face personal relationships. It makes sense to share with others in your group when you have more than enough, because someday when they have more than enough they will be more likely to share with your. In humanity the ability to cooperate has been positively selected for through million of years of evolution. It makes sense that over the comparatively long human life span, where you might live in a tribe of 60 people, you would encounter the same members of your tribe over and over again and your prosocial actions would be remembered and influence their prosocial actions towards you further down the line. Our big brains are good for remembering and keeping score. Not to mention in such an environment, you would also probably be somewhat genetically related to your tribe-mates so helping your family members and tribe-mates survive also enhances the survival of your own genes. Among surviving hunter gatherer tribes it would be consider insane for one member to horde all the food while other members of the tribe starve. A person could be excluded from the group for behaviour like that and a human without other humans in nature does not survive for long. Being exiled from one’s tribe is a fate most will do anything to prevent. Also, in the hunter gatherer world, where people are nomadic, having a huge amount of one substance doesn’t make a lot of sense, because you can only own what you can carry with you. There are also no refrigerators, so if you have more food than you need, whatever you don’t eat will rot quickly. Human life in the prehistoric world could be extremely harsh. Few infants survived and giving birth was highly precarious. But when a member of your tribe was in distress, even without modern medicines you still had something you could do and that was offer comfort, through a hug, or helping with a task or offering food. In the world we live in now the instinct to share is sometimes short-circuited. Holding resources has been facilitated by inventions like fridges and silos to keep grain. People decide to keep resources to themselves and their families, because they often don’t see or can’t relate to the people their greed is harming. Executives of large companies never have to see their employees face to face, they don’t grow up with the people they employ (who nowadays may live in another country entirely), and there is no consequence to them for causing others to experience distress. Also there are so many thousands of employees that they become theoretical to the executives, rather than real flesh and blood people they have to live with on a day to day basis who will confront you if you treat themselves shitty and treat you badly right back. Also, if say a factory in another country is mistreating its workers and the factory makes clothes for your company (as well as other companies), there are so many culprits in the problem, front he managers of the factory itself, to the country it is in that allows lax labour laws, to the many companies that have this

factory make clothes for them, to the country the company is located in that makes it more worthwhile for them to hire foreign companies to make their clothes— that the individual executive sitting in an office somewhere is so far removed and their contribution is so diffuse among the many others in the process that he or she feels no shame. More importantly, that executives social group is unlikely to include members of the exploited class, so they will never be publicly shamed or held accountable in a social setting, which, let’s face it, is what keeps most of us honest, when the temptation to take more than our share is strong. The instinct to display compassion and show care for others, is also challenged in certain ways in a modern context. The instinct to display empathy and compassion is strongest for family members and extends to other tribe-mates in a healthy human being, across all cultures and settings. If you saw a loved one crying, you would naturally go up to them and put an arm around their shoulder and ask how you could help. The distress you feel at seeing another person in distress, would reduce, once you could offer them comfort. Feeling an arm around their shoulders, experiencing comforting touch also would help elevate your loved ones feelings of distress. As much as we hate feeling pain or distress, in us and seeing it in others, experiences like this help bond us to those we love. When a friend supports you through a tough time it can cause your friendship to deepen. It feels like a blessing to be able to offer them the same strength they offered you in return at a latter date. When I a can offer a listening ear to a friend’s complaint or be able to offer a pair of arms to hold a loved one who is crying, I feel the most human. Being together in this way with others, knowing that they are feeling what you are feeling and sharing in a moment, whether listening to music or experiencing a film together is so special and so inherently human. It is hard to explain, but there is a positive feeling that comes from when one is acting in accordance with one’s animal nature. The naturalness and lack of push-back your brain is giving you— like when you have really good sex or do a refreshing (not exhausting) physical workout that pushes you a bit, or stare in wonder at something in nature— this sense of doing what you were made for— what is most natural and human feels so wonderful and liberating. I feel that when I am concocting stories sometimes, this ability to be in the moment and intensely aware of what I am doing, fully experiencing it without being distracted by other worries or things going on in my mind. The problem as I see it is that we see so much distress around us that is taking place far away, across the globe and we can see the people’s faces in pain, but we have no ability to take that pain away or even offer the basic comfort our ape ancestors could, such as an arm around the shoulder or the offer of half a fruit. We can’t give them anything. Maybe we can donate money to an earthquake fund or something, but who knows if that money will even reach them and it won’t effect that specific person you see right now, on your screen. Maybe we don’t even have enough money to give a dollar to an earthquake fund and maybe the government of the country that suffering person is living in, is causing their suffering because it refuses offers from the international community to help (see North Korea). What do people do when they are constantly faced with the reality of thousands of people suffering who we can’t do anything to help? We evolved to deal with one or two people in our tribe suffering every once and a while. We evolved to feel pain ourselves at the suffering of someone and to be able to stop that pain by offering the other person comfort. But when you can’t offer meaningful, immediate comfort to another person in a personal way either through physical means or through helpful speech, what are you left with? For some people I feel like the result is a constant low-grade

(or sometimes high grade) anxiety, traumatic stress and depression. The tidal wave of suffering feels so great you are mentally drowning in it if you are the kind of person who experiences empathy for others very strongly. You might be motivated to participate in charities and social justice causes, but all the time, the satisfaction that should come from helping people is out of reach, the anxiety and sadness at other’s distress is still there because no matter what you do, with so many people in the world now, and with news from all corners of the globe constantly in our faces at every moment of the day, you just can’t help everyone. It isn’t possible. Long ago you would only be cognizant of the problems of people in your own little tribe. Dealing with their problems would be mentally manageable and might even benefit you and the other person and strengthen your relationships. Dealing with this tidal wave of billions of people’s problems is unmanageable and hugely distressing. We were not born with the mental equipment to deal with this and it is a huge problem. Avoiding it, in certain societies, to help lessen your stress is not even possible. Everywhere you look, TV screens, radios and newspapers are blaring the death tolls of the most recent atrocity. This media diet distorts your perception, because when all you hear about are huge horrific events, the regular day to day repetitive actions that occupy most of what people are doing all over the world, like today Soorya milked a goat or Bob picked his toddler up from daycare don’t make the news. Some day, I think the world will have to reckon with the mental health problems that this constant media diet of negative and fearful imagery causes humans who have no means to influence the distressing things that are mentioned. Obviously, it is important to know what is happening in the world in some sense, to hold governments accountable when they act in ways that harm people. However part of the problem is even when we see that unfairness is happening we don’t have the tools to help stop it or a deeper understanding of why problems are occurring and how we can help is left out of the reporting. This makes people feel helpless and out of control and it doesn’t help the people who are suffering in the end. Some people are able to deal with this constant exposure to suffering that we can’t help, through selectively turning their compassion and empathy faculties on and off. As someone who can’t do this on my own, I am constantly astounded to witness other people do this. Part of me is slightly jealous of this ability while part of me is highly suspicious of it. People who can do this, I’ve noticed can also be very reckless with others emotions if they believe a relationship with that other person doesn’t forward their own goals. There is something that feels lacking to me about a human that can operate in such a ruthless capacity, but these are also people who seem able to have a lot of success because their mental processes are so efficient with regards to empathy. People can often show great love and compassion for their family and friends, but have little to no compassion for people outside the group they qualify as their “tribe.” How modern people define tribe, as people who share the same religion, community, fan base, sexuality, ethnicity or even as narrowly as their own nuclear family can vary. But I would say the majority of humans display this ability to switch their empathy on and off depending on whether someone is considered part of their tribe or not. This is also, sad to say, a very human quality. In a world where your tribe was your survival, outside tribes who might steal your resources, or kill or steal members of your tribe were far more dangerous than wild beasts you might encounter. I was bullied pretty harshly as a kid and I still maintain that the whole in-group/out-group dialectic that is such a part of human experience is one of the ugliest facets of human nature there is. Most disturbing of all, it is not contrary to human

nature, as most anti-social behaviours seem to be coded as, but is often seen as positive with no social costs in-group. A person who shows altruism and fealty to their own group can show the worst sadism and cruelty to out-group members without the corresponding social penalties they would face if they were to behave the same way in their own group. There is a reason in the Torah there are numerous directives “to love the stranger as yourself” and to “be kind to the stranger” and other lessons about hospitality to people who aren’t from your town because they might be (in Abraham’s case) angelic messengers. If everybody treated strangers and out group members the same as they treated their family members there wouldn’t be so much advice about showing hospitality to those unlike ourselves. The instinct of “stranger danger” is high in human beings and starts before we can talk. Studies done with pre-verbal human infants show that when confronted with two different strangers, one who speaks their own language and one who talks a different language, the infants shunned the foreign language speaking individual more than the person who talked their own language, even if they couldn’t talk or even fully understand that language yet themselves! The corresponding instinct of curiosity in some of us and eagerness to find out and know about something outside our own experience is thankfully, a good check to the stranger-danger feeling in some of us. Sadly, the stranger-danger instinct can get stronger as people get older and lose some of their mental flexibility and the world also changes a lot from the world they grew up in. If you aren’t mindful of that tendency of the human brain, then you can get caught up in thinking that all the changes are bad and threatening and feel fearful and angry at the world as you get older. Also, the more adverse experiences you have with other people, the more they seem to trail after you as you get older, colouring your ability to trust others and harming your interpersonal relationships if you’re not careful. While it may be more mentally healthy to only extend your empathy to members of your own group, feel like society as a whole suffers tremendously when we do this. We don’t live in isolated tribes anymore. Even if the effects are not apparent to us, our actions do effect the lives of other people, sometimes far away. We need new ways and new transparency laws to let us understand what the costs to others of the goods we purchase are, where they come from and what sort of labour conditions those goods are sourced under. We also need more alternatives to buy ethically, that are within most people’s budgets. Having the choice between ethically sourced goods that cost way more than a normal family can afford and goods sold in stores that only offer part-time jobs and starvation wages to their employees that utilize slave labour in other countries for manufacturing doesn’t really offer a choice. If you don’t have a lot of money you can’t afford to be ethical, which seems wrong. How come I can get a food item at the store and every single ingredient that went into it is listed on the back of the package, but how the item was made, where and with what sort of labour is left out? As a consumer we should be afforded the ability to make ethical purchases. There should be some sort of international independent organization with actual teeth that oversees labour practices across the world and gives companies letter grades and provides this information to the consumer with every purchase. It should be a reliable independent source for the consumer that tells us whether a purchase is helping to perpetuate positive or negative work conditions around the world. Companies that have the best conditions should be rewarded and companies that have the worst should be shut down. Getting everyone on board with the philosophy that humans are all part of one tribe is crucial to improving all our lives. If all children can be taught, from the earliest days that we are all one tribe and that

we are all deserving of love and compassion and the means of survival things will probably improve. As long as people continue to believe in in-group/out-group philosophies that see their own group as some sort of master race or chosen people and everyone else as inferior or misguided and not worthy of the same kind of empathy reserved for members of one’s own tribe— humanity will not grow. Accepting the fact that we are all animals, members of the same species and the same planet, which we have to take care of together is crucial. I’ve lived on Lake Erie and Lake Ontario for most of my life. For those who don’t know both these lakes are partially in the U.S. and partially in Canada and proved most of the water and electricity for the communities around the lakes like Toronto and Hamilton in Canada and Buffalo and Rochester in the U.S and Niagara Falls in both countries. Canada and the U.S. in the past have had different laws governing heavy industry on the lakes. But this is ridiculous, because if a company pollutes on one side of the lake, it automatically causes pollution on the other side as well. Right now countries are acting like the laws they make regarding pollution, labour, immigration and countless other things only affect their own country, when the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. We don’t live in isolated tribes anymore. Every human community is touching countless other communities. We didn’t evolve to live or think this way, but if there’s one thing we humans have mastered, it’s how to adapt. We can adapt to this new world and thinking in a new way about each other and our planet— but we have to stop seeing ourselves as isolated groups and start thinking of the big picture. In this world where our edges all touch each other, we have to be especially cognizant to live peacefully and try to do everything in our power to avoid violence wherever possible. To use a metaphor, you never know how the pollution you dump one one side of the lake will effect a baby yet to be born on the other side of the lake. If there is another choice, even if that choice is just to pause and consider what this action might achieve or to really grapple seriously with the harm it might cause, regardless of whether it is “right” or “deserved.” Make the choice to think before you act. Listen to what other people are feeling who aren’t from your in-group. Even if you don’t agree with them, how can you ever convince them, if you don’t try to understand where they are coming from? More than anything right now I think we need dialogue, not knee jerk reactions. We need nuance, deeper understanding than 150 character soundbites and the ability to listen to each other and the skill of trying to slow down our minds. It is easy to act on anger, greed or fear if you don’t see the people who your actions effect. But we have many tools in our communication arsenal for communicating how we feel to other people and trying to get them to make change. Violence should be very last resort of all the last resorts, not the go-to option. We have to act in accordance with the world we want to live in, in the future, a world that has room for all people. There is no shortage of money, food or land on this planet if we all only take what we need and share with each other. The withholding of these things from others and obscene accumulation of resources for oneself and ones family is not admirable. It is a demonstration of selfish antisocial behaviour and should be seen as such by our society. How our words and actions serve ourselves, our loved ones and the human tribe as a whole and its future existence on this Earth is worth considering.