#so yeah add that to the list of personal reasons i prefer to use the separate flags

[aromantic-diaries]

The other day I was just writing in my diary about random stuff and at one point it was a ramble about being convinced I was bi for most of my adolescence until I figured out I was aromantic and asexual, and a lot of it is pretty personal but one thing I do feel like sharing is that figuring out I was aro was much more complicated than the ace part. Sex is very concrete, it's a physical activity, the thought of doing it has always made me uncomfortable so if it wasn't for some complicated feelings about sexuality I would have identified as asexual much sooner since putting the pieces together was easy. Romance however is very much abstract. Love of any kind is abstract. I didn't really understand how it was supposed to feel so it was harder to tell that I didn't feel it

[pixiecaps]

psst hey do u have any sdv mod reccs/any tips on how to use them 👀

yeah! so for stardew mods to work you need to first install the smapi api.

you can either do that through their main website or nexus

neither option has any cons theyre just based on preference on how you wanna install it but theyre both completely safe websites.

after you properly install smapi you’ll have to go to nexus which is the main website for all stardew valley mods. you’ll need to make an account to install stuff i believe. you can find a wide range of mods here that serve a lot of different purposes.

if you haven’t used nexus to mod before then as i mentioned before first make an account then once you are looking at a mod make sure to check the requirements first. sometimes mods need other mods to work and you need to install those first. after you checked the requirements you head to the files section and click manual download. after that select slow download then wait for it to install into your files. then you move those files into the stardew mod folder. if thats not clear enough you can find a bunch of tutorial videos on youtube with visuals:)

since you asked for my recs i’ll give you the list of which i actually use all the time.

NPC Map Locations

- very basic mod. majority of mod users will have this installed and it just shows you on the map where each npc is at at all times.

CJB Cheats Menu & CJB Item Spawner

- these two sorta go hand in hand for me but of course you don’t need to have both installed. this is definitely a play style preference thing but i personally like having these cheats installed for any type of situation that might happen in game that i can’t undo otherwise without them.

- the cheats menu adds a lot more flexibility and well cheats to the game so for instance: infinite health, infinite stamina, give yourself money, instantly increase hearts with whichever npc, always catch every fish, warp locations, change weather, change time, freeze time, and a lot more. this uses the P key to open in game but you can configure that to another bind if you’d like.

- the item spawner is a lot more simple. does what it says and spawns whichever item you want. so basically you can press the i key and it’ll open up a menu with every item in the game and you can spawn in the specific amount you want of something and so forth. simple concept. i mainly use this for when i accidentally sell or gift an item i wasnt intending to and then simply spawn it back in. i also use it for decorating my house:3

Look Up Anything

- this is literally like having the wiki at your disposal at all times in game. extremely helpful for so many reasons especially as i personally always had the wiki open to check for information on items and npcs so having this mod made it a lot quicker of a process. how it works is you simply hover your mouse over whatever you want information on and click f1 and it’ll display all the information about that thing to you! so if you hover over lets say harvey and press f1 it’ll show you a menu with his birthday, his love & like gifts, your hearts with them and how many points till the next heart, etc.

Seasonal Outfits

- this mod puts all the npcs in different outfits for the seasons. its just cute

Elle’s Seasonal Buildings & DaisyNiko’s Earthy Recolor

- the seasonal building allows a lot more variety in structures like farm building and adding holiday decor to npc buildings. simple stuff that can make the game more customized

- with seasonal buildings you can also install compatible recolors which is what the DaisyNiko’s link is. it’s the recolor i personally use for my main farm when i play. this is because the vanilla game is very saturated and does hurt my eyes so having more chilled out tones helps. you dont need to install the recolor i use or any in fact if you like the natural look of the game but just know the option is there and there’s a multitude of recolors you can use to make the game look different:3

Friends Forever

- no friendship decay because itsa pain in the ass and i have no time to talk to the npcs all day. this is very play style based some people enjoy having to go and ensure they speak to npcs daily im just not the type.

Part of The Community

- creates different ways for you to gain hearts easier and passively

Mailbox Menu & Zilch’s Envelopes

- i really like the letters and the fact you can only read them once bummed me out until i found this mod which adds a whole menu for your mail where you can go back and see all the letters you’ve received. feel like it adds that additional touch and care to the whole mail system in the game.

- then to go along with that menu theres the envelopes mod that customizes it even further and makes all the envelopes of the letters have cute appearances and designs. look at this and tell me that isn’t the best thing you’ve ever seen.

Honorable Mentions

- Chests Anywhere

- CJB Show Item Sell Price

in conclusion…

I really suggest just taking the time and scrolling through the nexus mods website on your own. they have a specific category for stardew and you can filter it by most popular and see what you find yourself. since everyone plays differently you might find you enjoy the more technical code side and want to change something to do with that or you might just simply wanna change the npc portraits and make them look nicer. theres so many options on how to mod this game and i honestly could go on forever with mod suggestions but at the end of the day its up to you! so hope this helps and i hope you have a fun time modding.

[jasntodds]

Petrichor [10]

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader (little bit of fwb)

Words: 17,399

Chapter Warnings: Swearing, angst, canon drug use, drug use (don't do drugs), blood, bruises, injuries, look the anti-fear drug turns perfectly innocent people into raging murderers and makes them do things they would never do and that's all I'm gonna say for that one, canon violence, violence, mentions of abuse

Summary: ❝Pylades: I’ll take care of you. Orestes: It’s rotten work. Pylades: Not to me. Not if it’s you.❞

Gotham is home, not just for Jason but for you, too. And now that you’re both finally back home, together, you’re ready to see where this next chapter brings the two of you. He’s your best friend and you’re his. And you both might want a little something more with being back home, the place you both feel most comfortable. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong now.

A/N: I'm sorry this is extra late lol some personal stuff happened and editing has been hard lol then I was sick so here we are I'm so sorry!! You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary  and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭

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Instead of providing Dick with any sort of explanation you can think of, you decide you'll meet up with Jason instead. Dick knows he's alive and he's going to want answers which means you're going to be the one interrogated by him. But, Jason tried to kill Dick tonight and that is sending up a large red flag that almost makes you want to tell Dick everything. So, you figure you can meet up with Jason and hope he gives you a good enough reason to either keep your mouth shut or to spill what you know to Dick. Something is off and it's more than just Jason coming back from the dead.

You head outside to the front steps of the Manor. The only people awake are just you and Dick anyway, but you want to be outside for this one. You take out the burner and press redial.

"Shouldn't you be getting some damn sleep?" Jason answers.

"Shouldn't you?" You quip back. "Heard you had an eventful night."

"Fair enough." He remarks but he sounds tired.

"Can we meet?" You ask bluntly.

"Now?" Jason huffs, looking around his hideout that's lit up with lamps on the floor.

"Yeah, now." Your voice is flat and usually Jason can read what you're up to but not now.

"Why?" His brows knight together as the word is slow to leave his throat.

"I can't want to see you after you just fought the Titans?" You ask, a slight snip in your voice.

"You gonna bitch about it?" Jason quips back getting the idea maybe Dick told you what happened or Gar.

"No." You lie.

"Fine. Remember that alley the day we did that bust at the warehouse in Crime Alley?"

"Yes?"

"Meet me there. Leave now." Jason says quickly before hanging up.

You pull the phone from your head, looking at it. Now that's also a bit uncharacteristic of him. He always says it. He always tells you he loves you before he hangs up. Your heart plummets to your stomach. You made the Pet Sementary reference to him but you didn't think it would be literal. Now, you're starting to think maybe it is.

The idea that just because you can bring someone back from the dead, doesn't mean you can bring someone back from the dead. Something about them is different, there's a change. Like a part of their soul or something gets left behind. The good parts of them stay behind but everything else is what gets to come back. You know that's not entirely true because of how he was with you when you met up the first time. That can't be it. But there is something. And it's eating at you.

Jason, on the other hand, he knows you. He knows you want to meet up to check on him, yes. You’ll always want to check on him after any sort of fight with anyone. It’s what you do. But, he also knows you’re going to have questions about him attacking Dick and the other Titans. You tipped him off, sure, but maybe you didn’t think he was going to actually attack them. He knows you’re going to question him about it, probably lecture him. He doesn’t want to listen to it. He can’t listen to it. A part of him will want to break if he does and he knows it. He knows he will if he goes there clean. So, he doesn’t. He hits the inhaler and pockets it before heading to the alley.

Jason gets there first, hiding in the shadows until you show up. You’re on your bike, completely suited up. You don’t want anyone seeing you with him. Not the real you. Red Hood is pissing off a lot of people and you already have enough shit you’re dealing with. The last thing you want is a target painted on your civilian self for being seen with him.

You dismount the bike, popping the helmet on the handlebar as you look around. Jason walks out from the shadows, wearing the suit and the helmet. Of course, he is.

“I’m fine.” Jason states. You don’t like how the helmet makes him sound.

“Yeah, well, had to see for myself.” You let out a breath as you close the rest of the distance between you.

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore.” Jason takes the helmet off and he isn’t smiling or grinning. His expression is flat and your heart starts to sink.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Jay?” You shake your head, Jason getting a hint of annoyance in your voice.

“I mean I’m fine.” He rolls his shoulders, his voice flat.

Your eyes are scanning over him and it’s dark but you’re pretty sure he doesn’t have any bruises. It seems either the helmet and suit did a good job of protecting him tonight or Dick didn’t get a hit in. That’s at the very least a small relief but Jason Todd has never been fine. You’re starting to think he doesn’t actually know the definition of the word.

“Right. You have said you’re fine a hundred times and not once have you actually been fine.” You cross your arms over your chest.

Jason’s teeth grit for just a split second. “Don’t fucking worry. I told you. I got this handled.” Jason holds the helmet on his hip, his stance strong and sturdy.

He’s different than he was yesterday. He was grinning and smirking because it’s him. Whenever he claims to be fine, he gives you a grin as if that’s going to melt your worry away. But, not tonight and he seems bored and defensive.

“Why are you being so…weird?” You raise a brow at him.

Jason brushes you off, thankful for the drug coursing through his system. He’d never be able to deal with this without it.

“I’m not weird.” Jason defends.

“Yeah, you are. You’re acting weird.” You argue.

You don’t get it and maybe you won’t ever. But, this is him now. He’s not acting weird because this is the new him. Red Hood, fearless. He has no worries or fears anymore, just a mission. Jason swears he’s not acting weird, you’re just expecting the old him.

“This is just the new me.” He lets out this sort of chuckle that doesn’t sit well in your stomach.

“Uh-huh. Right. You seemed…kind of normal last time but now you seem…off.” Your eyes scan over his face and your heart is in your throat, the formula running through your mind.

“Just glad to be doing what Bruce couldn’t.” Jason holds his head up high with ease.

“This conversation is going fucking nowhere.” You let out a sigh as you look to the ground.

You came here with the intent to be sure he’s fine. It was to get some sort of answer. A real, solid reason not to tell Dick anything. Dick is going to have so many questions when you get back tonight. All of them will be about Jason and what his new plan is now that he’s alive. You need a reason to keep what you do know to yourself and Jason is giving you every reason to be worried enough to talk to Dick.

“So, go home.” Jason scoffs but he’s not even offended or upset. It’s like he doesn’t even care.

Your attention snaps back to him. “What the fuck? I’m worried about you and you don’t even care?”

It’s not that he doesn’t care. The drug numbs part of that but not entirely. It can’t otherwise they wouldn’t be able to have a plan in the first place. Jason has to be able to care about the city and the people he’s trying to protect otherwise there is no plan. It’s not that he does not care, it’s that he doesn’t care to go through the arguing in circles game while you dig for information.

“What else did you want? I know you want something else.” Jason dodges the question on purpose, knowing he won’t even feel guilty about it.

A lump forms in your throat as he dodges the question. He comes back to life and is, generally, normal but now he’s not? How is that even possible?

“Dick knows you’re alive.” You swallow the lump and if he’s going to pretend like this doesn’t hurt him, fine, you’ll do the same.

“Yeah, broke my other helmet, had a backup though.” Jason looks down to the helmet on his hip and then back to you with ease, the very corners of his mouth twitching into a grin.

“Oh, I’m so glad you have a spare helmet, Jason.” You snark through a scoff. “Unbelievable.” You look down and this is not how you wanted this to go. “Why did you try to shoot him?”

“He was in the way.” Jason answers casually.

The Titans are going to get in the way and Dick is the leader. Without him, the Titans will fall apart. Crane is right about Dick. He thinks he’s better than Jason. He thinks he’s the golden child, and he always was to Bruce. Bruce couldn’t even be bothered to kill the Joker for Jason but he would have for Dick. Dick dropped him from a skyscraper. Dick got him kidnapped and tortured. This all comes back to him and Bruce. 

Your eyes nearly bulge out of your head and you’re sick of the games with him right now. “Are fucking joking!?” You finally yell. This isn’t funny. Dick is his brother, he’s your friend. He could have killed him. What the fuck is wrong with him?

“Nope.” Jason gives you a grin. The drug loves confrontation.

This is not the Jason you once knew.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” You glare up at him. “He’s in your way? Well, damn Jason, maybe don’t attack the fucking Titans.” You gesture your hands out as you shrug your shoulders.

Jason’s blood starts to boil as you yell. You swore you weren’t working with them but from where he’s standing, it sure as shit seems like you are. Crane said you would. Crane said you’d start working with them the second you found out what he was doing. Maybe he was right and it’s pissing Jason off. You’re supposed to be on his side.

“I thought you weren’t fucking working with them.” Jason seethes. You lied. You lied to him. Of course, you’re working with them. Maybe Crane was right about you, too.

But you tipped him off. 

“I’m fucking not! But I give a shit about them. In case you forgot, Dick saved my life twice. Gar is our best friend. Conner saved your life. Kory fucking tried to save our lives. I know you care about them. Why the hell would you go after them?”

“Dick treats me like shit. I’m fucking no one to him. He thinks he’s so much better than me.” Jason scoffs. “You said Rachel was his lap dog, but look at you now.” Jason laughs cruelly as he closes some of the distance between you. “You’re the one screaming at me and defending him.” Jason shakes his head, looking down at you.

If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he were trying to intimidate you.

Maybe you don’t know better.

“You tried to kill him! He pisses me off sometimes, too but I don’t want him dead! I’m not his damn lap dog, either. I just don’t know what the hell is going on. And you won’t fucking tell me.” You grit your teeth, standing toe-to-toe with him.

“That’s because it’s none of your fucking business, but don’t worry, babe, you’ll see soon enough.” Jason offers this grin that you can’t tell is him taunting you or threatening you. And from here, with him nearly standing on top of you, you can see his eyes better.

His pupils are dilated and your heart is suddenly in your throat. On the one hand, making a drug and selling it to innocent people is really bad and you were hoping that was not it. But, on the other hand, a part of you thinks him taking something is worse in a way. The formula screams from the back of your head and Dick’s general concern about it, Jason’s weird and erratic behavior before he died. Him going after the Joker. He’s definitely high and you have no fucking idea how you missed that either or what even lead him here.

“Literally, are you high right now?” You question him, hoping against all odds whatever he’s on will make him tell you, like an overconfidence thing. “Because the Jason I know wouldn’t be laughing and trying to kill the Titans. The Jason I know wouldn’t be being such a fucking dick to me right now.”

Jason lets out a laugh, ignoring your question because he’s not playing into your hand. “So, go home.” There’s a wicked look in his eyes as he looks down at you. And it hurts. “This is me, new and improved.” There’s almost something threatening in the way his eyes darken to the deepest shade of evergreen you’ve ever seen.

“If you think this an improvement, I have news for you. The new you sucks.” You spit back.

It’s like the drug loves confrontation. It’s as if confrontation triggers something. The drug is supposed to suppress fear. That’s the point of it. But it seems to do a few other things. If confrontation starts, it’s like Jason gets an adrenaline boost but not in self-defense, instead, it’s more like skydiving. It’s actually fun, it doesn’t matter who the confrontation is with. It’s fun. Thrilling. Jason doesn’t realize that maybe that was Crane's plan. He’s a mad scientist. Maybe the drug is meant to suppress his fear but maybe it’s meant to control other parts of him in just the right way to do his bidding. Like using confrontation as another drug. Jason doesn’t see it. He can’t see it because the drug, at the end of the day, is Crane’s creation. Because Crane is the one pulling the strings behind the curtain.

And unfortunately for you, you’re kicking up the confrontation.

Jason’s smile falls as he shakes his head. There’s an anger that sparks across his eyes, something you’ve never directed at you. “Really? Not what you fucking said yesterday. Not what you said earlier today when you tipped me off.”

“You weren’t like this yesterday or earlier.” You argue, holding your ground.

Jason steps forward, making you take steps back until your back hits the alley wall behind you and your heart spikes. Your head isn’t throbbing but a very small part of you, is a little bit scared. This isn’t him. Jason wouldn’t try to kill Dick. Jason does not threaten you. But there’s a look in his eyes and if he’s willing to kill Dick and attack his friends, what’s he willing to do to you?

“Go. Home.” Jason warns.

The anger is flooding every aspect of him and he wants to give in. His brain says it's gonna be fun. It'll feel good to fight and argue. It'll be great to say everything that's crossing his mind right now. He won't feel guilty or fear or worry. It's it's own little high if he just gives in. Just a little bit. But the other parts fight hard with his teeth gritting together. He fights against the anger. Because it's you.

"What-what are you gonna do if I don't?" You lack venom in your voice because you're actually curious and worried what he'll do. For the first time in knowing him, you're worried what he might do. You know he won't do anything. You know he won't. If he were going to, he would have already. But it crosses your mind anyway.

His eyes are locked on yours and he wants to fight so bad. It's going to be fun and thrilling, it'll make him feel something incredible. But only for that moment, until the high wears off. That part of him that's still him, is banging and foaming at the mouth with a wailing cry, begging him to let it go and turn around. It's as if the drug is keeping the good parts of him locked away in a prison and Jason has to decide which side he's going to be on.

But it's you.

It's never really a thought at the end of the day.

Jason takes a step back, his fists balling at his sides. Not you.

"Just go and don't fucking tell anyone." Jason warns. "You promised you wouldn't and you said you don't break them. So, fucking don't." Jason uses your own words against you.

Relief starts to come over you and you've never seen him look at you like this. Dick is right. You hate that that thought is what comes to mind. Somehow, Dick is the one that's right here. This is not the Jason you know and love. He's high and something bad is coming from this. You're going to figure out what's going on, the full story, and you're going to get him back or die trying. He's in there, yesterday proved it.

"Fine." You agree because you aren't about to argue further when he's high. You don't want to see where this is going to go or how bad it can get. "But get your shit together, Jason. I'm serious." You move past him.

"Don't do anything stupid. I'm doing this." Jason huffs.

You shake your head and Dick can handle himself. You turn to face him. "You leave me and Gar the fuck out of your shit with Dick." You warn.

"Fine." Jason agrees. He never wants to hurt Gar anyway.

"Okay." You let out a reluctant sigh. "You know," You start as you turn to fully face him. "I'll figure it out, right? You know I will. I don't know what you need to do to prepare for that, but I will. And I'm gonna get you back." You hold your voice steady.

Jason raises a brow at you. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Jason swears you can't know what's really going on. You know about the formula but Jason also knows he left a code in it to throw you, specifically, off. He doesn't think you'll figure it out and he's not entirely sure how you know anything else. He wonders if he's really acting so differently that it's sending up enough red flags.

"I know you better than anyone. I'll figure it out." You turn around. "Not giving up on you, Jay." You grab your helmet from the bike and he should be angry.

He should be scared but all he can do is laugh and there he is. There's the Jason you know. The real Jason would find you being nonchalant and casual right after that exchange amusing. It's why you did it. He's in there somewhere and you're gonna get him back. You just saw him yesterday and Dick showed you the formula. You don't like that he has to be right but he clearly is. So, you'll get him back, you're certain.

"You gonna stay outta my way then?" Jason gives you that signature grin of his and something about it eases some of your own worry.

"Guess I'll have my hands full while I figure it out so..." He can't see it, but you're smirking under your mask and helmet.

"Good fucking luck." Jason states as you start up the bike. You nod your head once before you peel off into the street.

He should be worried you'll figure it out. But he isn't and not just because of the drug. If you're busy digging into him, that means you won't be around the Titans. That means he can continue on with the plan without having to make sure you're safe. He can be as free as he wants to execute the plan in whatever way is necessary. You won't be the one caught in the crossfire. Jason is confident you won't figure it out because you have too much faith in him. You'll never believe he went to Crane.

Or maybe that's just the drug talking.

When you get back to the Manor, you meet Dick in the kitchen who's still awake trying to figure out how the hell Jason is alive. You didn't provide any information and announced you'd be back before you just left him standig inside of Jason's grave. He's hoping maybe you're willing to give him some information now since you're the one that asked to talk.

Dick places a cup of coffee in front of you as he takes his own seat in front of you at the one of the kitchen counters. "What do you know?" Dick questions, cutting right to the chase.

On the way back, you bounced back and forth on what you'd say and what you wouldn't. Jason's using and that's a problem. He's attacking the Titans which is also a problem. And he's acting weird towards you. You like to believe you can handle most things on your own but it's never really gotten you anywhere and you can't afford to fuck this one up this time just because you're stubborn and loyal to a fault.

"Look, my loyalty lives and dies with him." You state before you raise your brows. "Well, I guess lives, dies, then lives again." You roll your eyes. "And I'm not gonna betray him but...I actually don't know much." You state. "I just knew he was alive, not really anything else. He called me yesterday and asked me to meet up with him. I did. And it was him."

"How did you know it was him?" Dick asks and he isn't sure if he should believe you. You left abruptly, likely to meet up with Jason and now you want to talk? But, he's willing to listen.

"You and me." You answer. "Something we always said. He mentioned the necklace he gave me." You state as Dick glances to the infinity charm around your neck. "There's a tracker in it but only he would know that. Bruce didn't know. At least, we don't think he knew Jason did that. Few other things but that was the big one." You chew the inside of your cheek. "He, uh, he seemed...normal all things considered."

Dick's eyes narrow and he finds it hard to believe that's all you know. Dick knows the two of you were thick as thieves and you'd both go to the ends of the Earth to defend each other. But, you did admit to knowing you knew when Dick asked and Dick is getting the feeling you aren't lying this time.

"And you don't know anything else?" Dick pushes.

You take a sip of your coffee before straightening your back and clearing your throat. Dick already knows about the drug and suspects Jason is using so telling Dick that sucks, but he already knows. It's just confirmation and telling Dick how Jason is alive doesn't seem too bad. It's a Lazurus Pit, that can't be too much information. But, you decide to keep Jason having a partner to yourself. It seems safer that way. If they're dangerous like Jason thinks they are, it should be safer to keep that to yourself. But, telling Dick everything else, might be helpful in getting the old Jason back. You hate yourself for it. You hope he'll understand one day, you hope Jason will forgive you for it.

You don't think you'll forgive yourself.

"Lazarus pit. That's what he said. He said he doesn't really know how it works but someone put him in it and brought him back. That's all." You leave out him working with someone, figuring maybe that's for his own protection.

"Ra's Al Ghul probably." Dick lets out a scoff.

"League of Assassins, right?"

Dick nods his head. "Yeah."

"Think they have something to do with it? Besides the Lazurus pit?"

Dick shakes his head. "No, they would have no reason to bring Jason back, and Ra's isn't even in Gotham."

"Alright, well what are you thinking?" You ask in hopes maybe Dick has some insight. At the end of the day, you know you have a bias. You know your emotions can get in the way when it comes to Jason but Dick can put all of that aside to see what he needs to.

"You said you know him better than anyone." Dick nods his head. "Was he using? When you saw him?"

You hang your head before you offer Dick a solemn expression. "I don't know if he was using before he died. If he was, he hid it well but..." You roll your shoulders, chewing the inside of your cheek and you really hope Jason understands one day. "He was high when I met up with him." You admit, catching Dick off guard. "He wasn't yesterday but he was tonight. And for the fucking record," You state harshly. "That is the only fucking reason I'm telling you anything."

Dick didn't want to believe Jason could be using either. It's a hard pill to swallow and the confirmation does hurt him. But, Dick isn't too surprised. He found the formula and that would explain why Jason went after the Joker and how you don't know much of anything. Jason wouldn't want you involved.

"He must have been high. Maybe that's why he went after the Joker that night. Maybe he was high." Dick keeps his voice level as you roll your eyes.

"Yeah, probably." You scoff with the shake of your head. "And I missed it all which is shit. But, you know," You suck in a breath. "There's more to it and I know you know that. Him making the fucking drug and then taking it is weird as shit even for him. With his mom and shit...it just..." You shake your head. "Doesn't make any sense."

"Maybe it's a favor for someone." Dick offers, agreeing that the drug use and making seems a bit uncharacteristic.

Jason said he's working with someone and you think maybe the drug is a part of that. Whoever he's working with had to be the same person that brought him back which means they'd have to know he died in the first place. Likely would know he was going out to die which also means the Joker plan was actually a plan. You run it over in your head and the more you think about it, the more it sounds like whoever did this, had him killed on purpose with the intention to manipulate him. If the drug is linked then so is everything else.

"He'd need a good enough motive for that though." You suck in a breath. "So, if that's true, it has to be the person who brought him back, right? But, I don't know who that is. Jason didn't say shit."

"Why wouldn't he tell you?" Dick asks. "He told you a lot, didn't he?"

"Yeah, fucking sucks being left out." You snip back. "But, yeah, I don't know. He just said he can't and that was the end of it." You shrug. "Jason has only kept things a secret from me out of self-preservation that's actually just self-destruction or to protect me. So, not too big a fan of this."

"Okay well, I need you to meet up with him again and talk to him." Dick states. "We need answers and if you keep pushing him, maybe he'll tell you more."

"That's not....that's not fair. Talk about what? You want me to meet up with him and tell him to stop fucking around? And tell me everything as if I didn't already do that?" You huff. "What do you think I went to do tonight? I went for fucking answers and got none besides finding out he's high which he did not tell me. It was just obvious."

"If anyone can get to the bottom of it, it would be you. Like you said you know him better than anyone. He didn't tell me or Gar he was alive. He was shooting at me. But, he got you to meet up with him and told you first. You already know more than any of us so even if this is a new version of him that came back, the old Jason is in there somewhere. Enough to trust you." Dick tries his best to reason with you even if he knows it might be a waste of his breath.

"So, you want me to betray him?" You quip back, guilt rattling your bones like a storm cellar in the middle of a tornado.

Jason trusts you and that's not something you would ever take lightly. The one thing the two of you have always had with each other is trust. From the very first day, there has been this trust between you. It's just how it is and you getting any information and telling Dick, would be a betrayal of trust. Anything Jason says to you, you know without him even saying anything, is in confidence because it always is just as it is for you. You do not want to ever betray him, not after everything.

"No," Dick shakes his head. "It's not betrayal."

"He's gonna tell me not to tell you shit. And we both know I will listen to him." You urge and you do not want to be in the middle of it but you can't betray him. Everyone always does and you will not be like everyone else. "You want me to pick sides and look, okay? I know you guys are good and cleared up your shit and you're brothers but you are the like...leader of the Titans. That's where your loyalty lies. Gar, Kory, Conner, Dawn, Hank, they're all Titans. They will side with you. They all would follow you no matter what. Who the fuck does Jason have? That's what this shit always boils down to. He doesn't have anyone, Dick. It's just....him and me." You roll your shoulders.

"What if it saves him from himself?" Dick nods his head.

"What if it gets him killed permanently?" You question.

"You can still try. You don't have to turn on him. If he doesn't tell you not to tell us, you can come back and tell us." Dick offers, trying his best to be a voice of reason. He knows this is hard but Jason is out there killing people, innocent people, and now he's targeting the Titans. He needs to be stopped, regardless on how you feel about it.

"It's always shit said in confidence though. That's how it always is. If...if I do that, hard if, how are we supposed to come back from that? I would have been another person that betrayed his trust. It doesn't fucking matter what he's doing. I can't do that." You shake your head as you plead with Dick. "I'm not a Titan right now. My loyalty is still with him. And I don't want in the middle of it." You state. "Look, I don't even really disagree with him. He said he's cleaning up Gotham and like I said, Bruce's ways don't work. Jason, clearly, is on the same page."

"But you're having this conversation with me right now and that tells me at least some part of you doesn't agree."

"Yeah, I don't agree with him coming after the Titans and I'm worried about the drug side of this. That's the only reason we're even discussing this. I will always be on his side. I don't know if there's anything he can do that would make me quit. And this is hard enough as it is, Dick." You chew the inside of your cheek, tugging your sleeves over your hands. "I don't think he'll forgive me for telling you anything and I can't....I can't betray him more than this."

You know, without a doubt, if the roles were reversed, Jason would never give up on you. You won't do it to him, either.

"Do you believe this is all Jason? He woke up from the dead and chose this?"

It's something that's been bothering her. Him waking up and choosing this is not far-fetched. Him dying, choosing this, and neglecting to tell anyone including her about it, that's the weird part. Sam doesn't know what happened when he died but she has to believe that there is more going on. There has to be more than him just dying and neglecting to tell her anything. There has to be.

"I don't know." You shrug. "I did. He died and I chose this. So, I don't know." You clear your throat because as much as you want to believe this is all Jason, you know there's more. And you're terrified it's going to get bad. He went after Dick and this is more than Jason just trying to fight him in the Tower. "Okay, look, yeah I think something bad is going on. It is weird. I didn't decide to become a crime lord and make a drug. If, hard if, he tells me something I think I can get away with telling you, I will. But only if Jason gives me a reason to." You shake your head deciding that would be okay. Jason has to give you a reason though.

Dick nods his head and he knew it would be a long shot. "Okay."

Dick hopes you'll actually tell him anything. He needs answers and he'll keep digging himself, but you would be a big help in all of this. But, he knows the two of you have loyalty that runs deeper than the Titans.

"But," You suck in a breath. "This stays between us. I don't want the other Titans to know. They'll freak out. Well, Hank and Dawn anyway." You roll your eyes. "You know Gar, he'll believe Jason is in there somewhere. Conner doesn't know him well enough but he'll probably side with Gar or follow you anyway. Kory was the only one who didn't accuse Jason of anything. So, but if you tell one of them then you have to tell everyone so...stays between us."

You do not want Jason to figure out you're even having a conversation about working with Dick. That can't happen because you already said you won't work with the Titans. There is a reason Jason wants you out of it. If the Titans know you already knew and Dick and you had a conversation, that'll send up a red flag if it gets back to Jason somehow. And the Titans trust Dick. It has to stay between you and Dick.

"Deal." Dick sticks his hand out and you shake it. "I know this is hard but you're doing the right thing."

"If you say so." You roll your eyes. "That also means you have to get Gar off my back though. I can't go trying to meet up with Jason and Gar is right there. He won't tell me shit if Gar's around."

"Can you stop killing people?" Dick questions as he raises his brows.

You narrow your eyes. "Just while you're in town and while we sort this shit out. Got my hands a little full with Jason's shit. I still have a whole hitlist to get through, though." You raise your mug at him.

"That's not funny." Dick wanrs.

"It's not a joke." You chuckle. "I know you don't agree with me but I promise I'm not killing people who don't deserve it. I can give you their endless rap sheets. Guy I killed tonight while you guys were busy was lacing drugs and selling directly to kids and I mean like middle schoolers. He's been put away ten fucking times. They just keep letting him out. He's gotten over a hundred kids killed. Those are the fucks I'm killing. You don't have to agree with me but you should try to understand my point of view of it." You point a finger at him.

"I do." Dick nods his head. "Less kids people like him can kill but where do you draw the line?"

"Do you want to know? I have a line. They have to meet certain criteria otherwise I just scare the ever-living shit out of them and rough them up real bad."

"You have criteria?" Dick asks, his voice a mix of being appalled and confused.

"Yeah, I agree with you. We can't go out playing judge, jury, and executioner all the damn time. That's not justice. But, the system fails to protect people like me and you and Jason and Molly. It always has. It didn't protect my dad, who albeit is still a piece of shit probably, but he was hooked when he was in school. It didn't help Jason's mom. It looks at us and laughs in our faces and tells us to deal with it because we can't do anything about it. I'm doing that and hey, Jason's off his damn rocker, but he's targeting some bad people."

"Are you going to be able to live with yourself with their blood on your hands? I think that's why Jason stopped you from killing Jerry. He didn't want you to have that on your conscious."

"You know," You furrow your brows as you shake your head. "I killed some of CADMUS. And uh, I mean, I feel bad about it a little. I killed people, that's a heavy thing to carry. But, they tried to kill me, Gar, Conner, and Krypto. They tortured them. I feel bad because I'm not a monster but I also know it's what had to be done. I kill these guys and it's like...I feel bad. Someone out there gives a fuck about them. Someone out there is going through what I went through when Jason died. I feel bad for them. And I feel bad for taking a life but then I look at how many people they've either permanently hurt or killed, and I'm keeping track. I'm keeping track of every person I save by killing them. And I feel less bad about it. I feel bad because they were a person with a life and a beating heart. But, I can live with it because of the list of people I'm saving in the process. That sounds a little, uh, egotistical but it's true. That's why there's a criteria. Killing one person by accident doesn't mean they get to die. That's not justice. It's gotta be bad. Batman walks the streets and it doesn't stop these fucks. I feel bad about it, but....it's better than them killing and torturing people with no reason to stop."

"So, you think Bruce was right for throwing all of his morals away to kill the Joker?"

You let out a snort. "No, but that's not because of his morals and shit. I think anyone is capable of throwing their morals away for certain shit without it actually changing their moral compass, like Bruce killing the Joker." You explain as you sip your coffee. "But, I think it's fucked Jason had to die. None of the other people mattered enough to do something permanent about him. It took Jason's brutal murder for him to finally do something and I gotta problem with that. If anyone should have killed him, it should have been me. He killed my mom and he took Jason. Bruce only did it for Jason. I think, if you're gonna kill people for the greater good, it shouldn't be because of one single person. It should be for the greater good. There should be a list of reasons why you're killing someone. A list of reasons why they have to die. I gave Bruce all of those reasons and those weren't enough. Jason was. And that's not fucking fair to every other person that had to suffer by the hands of the Joker. So, no, fuck Bruce for killing him now. What's he gonna do? Come back and welcome Jason with open arms as if he isn't the reason Jason was murdered in the first place? Fucking stupid."

"Have you been thinking about all this this whole time?" Dick can't help but chuckle.

"Yeah," You shake your head. "And Jason but....that's been a topic I don't so much like to think about lately. So, I made a hit list." You smile softly. "Got a list of bad people to get through that Bruce won't do shit about."

"So, what you gonna go off after the Penguion next? Does he fall under your criteria since the Joker's gone?" Dick quips back, mostly digging to make sure you aren't planning on doing something like Jason.

"Nah, I think he's a fun little guy." You let out a laugh. "Something about him makes me laugh. He's bad, too sure, but he's not...that bad in the grand scheme of shit. Ya know? Penguin, sometimes helps here and there. He's not evil."

"You've had the pleasure of meeting him, then, I'm guessing?" There's a smile tugging at Dick's lips.

"Oh yeah. We went after him for something with Bruce once and I just thought he was funny. He was so serious and somehow not. If the camp genre were a person, it would be Penguin. So, I start actually laughing which then made him really mad and naturally made the whole thing that much funnier to me. So, Jason starts bursting out laughing at the top of his lungs. We're both doubled over and Penguin's face starts turning all red and he was stomping his foot. He starts yelling at Bruce to get us to stop and take him seriously and we don't know who we're messing with." You shake your head mockingly as you laugh. "His goons were trying desperately not to laugh with us!" You say through a hearty laugh. "I thought Bruce was gonna blow. But, I think he wanted to laugh, too."

"Yeah, he's always been a fun one to deal with." Dick chuckles softly. "I used to give him hell. Make fun of him. When I was Robin."

"Good, it's a lot of fun." You laugh. "I mean, he's like you. He goes by fucking Penguin and you go by Dick. You guys are setting yourself up for the jokes."

"I can't believe you just compared me to Penguin." Dick deadpans before a small smile cracks the corner of his lips.

"Facts don't lie, Dickolas."

You take another drink of your coffee and Dick is trying to be a better leader. You're going through it. Somehow, you're the one stuck in the middle of everything and you're the one most likely to be hurt in this mess. The person you care about most died and is now lying to you and fighting your friends. This can't be easy.

"Really, how did it go with Jason?" Dick asks, earning an eyebrow raise from you. "I'm asking for you, not for information."

"You being caring is kind of freaking me out." You chortle before you shake your head as a side smile starts to come to your lips. "Good, I think." You nod. "Ya know, Jason remembers everything. About us..." Your brows furrow tightly as your face falls. "And he said he remembers dying. So, there's that. Uh, but he seemed...mostly normal, actually besides the hair." You gesture to the front of your head as you crack a small smile.

"Yeah, I saw that. What's up with that anyway?" Dick chuckles. "At least he seemed okay. He told you he remembers dying?"

"Side effect of the Lazarus Pit, I guess." You shrug a shoulder. "He didn't want to talk about it, remembering dying I mean. But he said he remembers." You clear your throat. "So, that's a little worrisome. Ya know, given how Jason deals with trauma which is that he literally does not." You roll your eyes. "But, at least he's alive ya know? Being a shithead again but alive."

"Yeah, that's true. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah, just need some time to process it." You clear your throat. "When you tell the Titans and half of them inevitably flip out because I knew, let them. I'll be fine." You hop down from your seat. "Like I said, they trust you. Keep it that way. They won't trust me regardless. We all know my loyalty is with him. They can't know you knew I knew. I'll be fine. I've told them off before." You start your walk to the doorway. "Night, Dick." You offer a soft smile and a nod before you spin on your heels and leave Dick alone.

Gar wakes you up the following day, saying Dick has called a meeting with everyone. You know exactly what the meeting is about and everything starts to ache from the pit of your stomach. It sucks that they're all going to know you knew and didn't tell anyone. And it sucks because that also means they'll know it's Jason under the Red Hood and maybe they won't be so forgiving. They never have been with him.

But you walk with Gar to the main living room anyway. You take a seat beside Gar with Krypto sitting at your feet and the other Titans are scattered around. Dick stands in front of all of you with his arms crossed.

Once everyone is gathered, Dick starts telling you all how he broke Red Hood's helmet last night and it was Jason. He follows it by saying he dug up Jason's grave to verify it was him. You find it weird no one even bats an eye at the grave digging but of course they don't. You keep your stare on Krypto as you pet him, knowing one of them is going to accuse you of knowing as soon as Dick finishes his explanation. You can feel Gar's stare on you and without even looking at him, you know he figured it out. And it nearly kills you because you feel like you betrayed him and that's not fair. Jason put you in the middle of it.

"You knew, didn't you?" Hank glares directly at you.

You look up to him and suck in a breath. "Well..." You shrug, scrunching your nose.

"What the hell?!" Gar yells. "And you didn't tell me!?" Gar stares at you in disbelief and you can handle Hank. He's an ass anyway but Gar? You'll never forgive yourself for keeping it from him even if it was just two days.

"Well, kind of yeah." You chew the inside of your cheek, looking away from Gar.

"And you didn't think to tell any of us?" Kory demands.

You chew your lip. You know you or Dick will tell Kory the entire story eventually and she'll understand but it hurts anyway. "He asked me not to and you all know how deep my loyalty runs with him." You glance to Dick and he doesn't like that this is what they're doing. They're not going to trust you.

"Did you know he was going after the Joker that night? Was this the plan the whole time?" Dawn questions.

It's better that they don't trust you. It's easier for you to pick a side. You need to work Jason's angle but you cannot do that if they know. Jason is smart and he'll figure it out. So, you have to swallow your guilt and stick with being solely and entirely on Jason's side just as you always have been.

"You think I knew?" You scoff. "Like that whole thing? You think I knew and just...let him do it?" You look to Dick again, as if waiting for him to add something in. He's the leader.

"You knew he was alive." Dick adds in.

"Knowing he's alive and knowing what he was up to are two very different things." You state.

"Why should we believe you?" Hank demands. "You've been lying to us the whole time!" Hank fumes as if that's going to get him anywhere.

"Because? I wouldn't let him get himself killed. In case you forgot." You retort as you scrunch your face. It is actually ridiculous Hank thinks you knew Jason was going after the Joker and let him do it. The anger starts to wash over any guilt you had just minutes ago.

"Hey! We apologized for that shit!" Hank yells. "How do we know you didn't know he was going to get killed on purpose and get brought back. Pretty convenient, isn't it?" Hank spits.

You can feel your blood start to boil. You knew this is what was going to happen but it's annoying anyway. It's the fact they think you would let him get killed. It's the fact they think he would go out and get killed on purpose. They didn't even really know him. They don't really know you. They think your grief was all fake. You get they don't believe you, you can see why. But it's also absurd. They should be mad you didn't tell them, but they should believe you would do everything in your power to stop him from going after The Joker. They should believe Jason wouldn't get killed on purpose. This is all so absurd and you aren't going to let them drag you and Jason through the mud when they don't know anything.

You nod and let out a dry and narrowed chuckle. "You know how you can believe me? Call Bruce, hunt him down, hunt down the phone records or whatever, listen to the phone call." You look to Dick. "You can ask Babs if she thinks my reaction was fucking fake. You can ask Molly who found me on the bathroom floor. I don't care but I didn't fucking know and fuck you for thinking I did." You look back to Hank with glassy eyes. "Do you know what it's like to try CPR knowing it's useless? I was covered in his blood. I didn't fucking know and he didn't get killed on fucking purpose."

"You really didn't know." Gar says quietly.

"Nope." You shake your head. "I found out two days ago."

"What about the drug? Did he say anything?" Dick asks, hoping that can calm the room down. He doesn't think you knew any of it.

"Nope. I wouldn't let him make a drug. Ask Bruce, I told him I was gonna call you and have you bring us back. Bring him back kicking and screaming if we had to."

"Are you supposed to believe this shit?" Hank yells out, gesturing a hand towards you. "Dick, come on, she's been lying to us this damn whole time. He was prepared for us to show up last night. She tipped him off!"

"Hey, fuck you!" You scream back. "Maybe he was just fucking prepared. It was a damn code! I didn't tip him off!"

"I don't fucking believe this shit!" Hanks storms.

"That's a you problem then." You quip. "Can I go now? This is you guys problem."

"No, we're not done here." Hank boasts.

"Okay, so finish up." You snark back.

"Look, Jason did this to himself and we need to find out what else he's planning." Hank crosses his arms. "He needs to be stopped."

You let out this laugh that sounds both heartbroken and pissed. "Okay."

"I always knew something was off about that kid." Hank scoffs.

"Fuck." You yell. "Seriously?" Your eyes start to water. "What the fuck is...." You pause, looking to Gar. "You know what, you're not fucking worth it. You're just gonna sit here and victim blame anyway. Have ya noticed the rest of the room is simply...confused and not losing their shit? That's just you, pal."

"He isn't a fucking victim!" Hank scoffs with a laugh. "He got himself into this mess. He could have walked away!"

"How can you say he isn't a victim? I know he told you! His mom being an addict and neglectful, yeah, victim. His dad was abusive, victim. The system? In and out of shitty foster homes, victim. Bruce took Robin away without ever having a conversation about it, victim. You...treat him like shit, victim. All of you made him want to kill himself, victim. The Joker murdered him with a crowbar, victim." You scoff. "You're not a fucking hero and I think you're the one that needs to hang up the cape and mask if you can't grasp the simple concept of a victim."

"We all have bad experiences but we're not looking to get ourselves killed and start killing." Dawn states softly.

"I'm not out there killing people." Hank grits his teeth at you "He needs to be stopped and whoever the hell he's working with, whether you like it or not, kid." Hank scoffs as he moves towards the hallway.

You aren't done yet though. You do not like Hank and if he's really going to point the blame at Jason for everything that led him here, you're going to get under his skin.

"Before you go, if I did know more, I wouldn't tell you guys anyway. I'm killing people, too and you guys don't have an issue with that. Just Jason. So, uh, you guys are on your own with this one. I'm with him." You grin back at Hank and you want to push him further. Really drive home the point you're not with them. You also just don't like him. His apology seemed more hollowed and like he was doing it because Dawn said it was the right thing to do.

"We're not playing fucking games here!" Hank yells and Dick wants to know what you're doing. You could have let him walk off and let it rest. But it is you. You don't usually do that when it comes to Jason.

"Oh, I'm not playing games either. But I know him better than anyone so while you guys are thinking poorly of him, I'll be on his side actually listening to him like I always have which then I'll get more information and I'm not sharing." You shake your head with a grin.

"Hey, kid, we're not messing around." Hank threatens. "You're gonna tell us what you know, or we're switching teams. You won't like that."

You let out a booming laugh. "Yeah, Hank? And uh, what the fuck are you gonna do about it?" You question him with a sinister grin as you get to your feet. "Gonna fight me? Torture me? Threaten to kill me? Go for it. Here's a statistic for you: Torture doesn't work. It's been proven. People are more likely to give you false information just to get it to stop. And considering the fact I was tortured for a year and nearly murdered twice, that shit does not scare me. You'll have to kill me before you get to him. And if it comes down to that, I'll have given him the heads up."

"Unbelievable." Dick sighs.

"Told you, I'd hide a body for him."

"I don't want to kill him." Dick states.

"I will." Hank scoffs. "If it ends up him versus me, kid's going down."

"So, we're killing Jason now?" Dawn questions, almost appalled. She's confused by the whole thing but you're right. The Jason you all know isn't a murderer. There is something else going on and they don't kill their own.

"Jason's always had his issues but he wasn't a full-blown psychopath." Kory adds in.

"I still think he was using. The Batcomputer didn't find anything but I found the place he was cooking." Dick states.

"He wrote his own ticket. He starts taking people out, game's over." Hank scowls.

"And you'll have to go through me, Hank." You step past Krypto, taking a few steps towards Hank. "You're not gonna kill him. I might not be able to take on Dick, but you?" You laugh. "In my sleep." Hank steps forward, Dick stopping him. "Ohhh, scary." You mock him. "I'm not fucking afraid of you." You mock him and then it hits you.

The conversation with Jason, a cure for fear. You said it would affect his adrenaline. He wouldn't care for things. It would have side effects besides just getting rid of his fear. He made a drug. He's working with someone. The way he was acting weird yesterday. He attacked Dick. Jason went after the Joker and missed the Joker right behind him. Drug that cures fear would also block out basic instincts like someone lurking behind him. Drug that cures fear.

You're gonna kill him.

You shake your head. "Here's the deal, figure it out yourselves because I'm not fighting him and I'm not betraying him. Ever. I don't fucking care. Now, I've got some shit to do so if you'll excuse me." You walk up to Dick. "You have that formula?"

Dick eyes you with confusion, pulling the paper from his pocket. "Why?"

"Told you, I'm gonna figure it out and I'm not sharing." You snatch the paper from him and leave the Titans to themselves.

"Thanks for the backup, man." Hank turns to Dick.

"Let it go, Hank." Dick lets out a sigh. "I believe her. You should, too." Dick leaves the room.

You head to your room and sit down on the bed with the formula. You pull out the tablet and start working on it. You do research into some of the files Bruce has, trying to figure it out. You make a lot of progress on it but there's a part of it that doesn't make sense. It's not a chemical or a compound. It doesn't actually mean anything. And you're thinking Jason prepared for this.

You think Jason prepared for someone to find it. Dick did it his first day which means he didn't really hide it. Jason is smart. And clearly likes codes. Maybe he should have teamed up with the damn Riddler. That might be better than what you're thinking because you have suspicions this missing piece of the formula is a code for something he didn't want anyone to figure out. And you were never very good with codes but you know someone who might be.

You make your way inside of the restaurant where you see Mr. Drake behind the counter. You offer him a kind smile, stuffing your hands deep into your jacket pockets.

"Hey, haven't seen you in awhile. The usual?" He asks.

"Uh, yeah, but um...I was actually wondering if, uh, if Tim were around? I promise I'm ordering the usual." You let out a soft laugh as you roll your shoulders.

"Yeah, of course." Mr. Drake looks over his shoulder. "Tim! Come out here, please."

Tim walks out a few seconds later, stumbling slightly over a box. Tim sees you and he's surprised to see you. Tim is very observant and he knows something that no one else has been able to figure out. He thought you might be down and out for a while because of it.

"Hey." Tim greets with confusion.

"Hey, do you like puzzles? Like codes." You rush out, trying to make it sound casual. "Genius."

"Uh..." Tom chuckles softly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, I guess. Why?"

"Can you help me with one?"

Tim walks from behind the counter, resting a hand on your arm and moving you both off to the side. "Are you okay?" Tim questions and he's known you a little through the years, not really well. But, he thinks he knows you well enough to know something weird is going on. Your boyfriend just died. "I saw Jason...on the news." Tim states.

Your eyes widen, somehow forgetting that naturally all of Gotham who watches any bit of the news or keeps up with things on social media would know Bruce Wayne's newest son was killed in a 'tragic accident'. Of course, Tim knows that.

"Right, yeah, no, uh, it's been really fucking hard. I, I just can't focus on it. I'll start crying. Thank you though." You brush it off and you wish you didn't have to lie so damn much.

"Why do you need help?" Tim's brows furrow, not buying it.

"It's a game kind of." You roll your shoulders. "I mean, you're really smart so..."

"Don't you live with Bruce Wayne? Isn't Dick Grayson back, too? They're really smart. Why are you coming to me?" Tim crosses his arms and he's definitely digging for information.

"If you can't help, that's fine. But I thought it was worth a shot." You shrug and you used the Batcomputer to look into him.

You've talked every time you've come to get food. You don't have many friends. And Molly is smart but not like this and you can't risk Molly going to Dick about it. Tim doesn't know any of them well enough to go back to Dick. And Jason probably won't figure out you went to Tim given you tend to keep Jason's secrets locked away with all of yours.

"Come on." Tim gestures for you to follow him and you offer him a wide smile.

You follow Tim into the side door through part of the building that leads into a hallway. Tim opens a door further down the empty hallway and walks right in with a sense of pride. You see an entire set up of computers and crime boards. On the walls, he has pictures of the Titans and Robin and Batman. He's definitely doing research into all of them and you think it's funny. You both always talked about who Batman and Robin could be but you did expect him to literally be putting together actual research, not like this. Him looking into Batman and Robin is kind of whatever at this point, but the Titans has your interests piqued.

"You looking into the Titans?" You gesture a finger lazily to one of the walls with pictures and news articles.

Tim holds his head up high. "I know you're a Titan." Tim holds the most confident grin you have ever seen.

You do a double take. "What?"

"You're a Titan. Acid generation, I'm guessing combat clairvoyance, too." Tim explains with ease.

Your brows furrow and you have no idea how the hell he even knows that. He hasn't been able to figure out Batman and Robin for years, but he figured you out in only a few months? A part of you is actually offended. You swore you did a better job of hiding your identity than Dick and Jason did.

"I'm not a Titan? They're from San Francisco and I'm definitely born and raised right here which you know." You raise.

"But you were uprooted, two years ago to San Francisco." Tim walks over to a desk and pulls out a file, handing it over.

You take it cautiously and you hope he knows this whole thing is weird. But, you open the files anyway and it contains information on Jerry and where you moved to. Which only makes you question how he got this because those records are supposed to be sealed.

"How the fuck did you get this?" You close the file, waving it slightly.

Tim shrugs. "I'm good with computers."

"You hacked into CPS and the GCPD to get this?" Your eyes narrow and he's definitely completely insane for this. What if he were wrong? You do admire the dedication though.

"And SFPD." Tim adds in. "Jerry was beat up pretty bad but it was just...brushed off. I think it was you. They found someone there, but it wasn't you."

"Okay, there's so much wrong with all of this, like you know that, right?" You ask. "And why the hell were you looking into me? I'm not a Titan and this is weird."

"I know it's you. The acid really gives you away. And I recognized how you walked." Tim explains. "And I've been looking into all of the Titans so..."

"You...what? You know how I walk? Do you know how insane that sounds or?" You're trying desperately to think of a lie for him to believe but at this point, you're not sure there's anything you can really say. He has it all figured out with you.

"I have a photographic memory." Tim states. "And the acid isn't some run-of-the-mill acid. It's a specific chemical compound. It's like a fingerprint."

"Okay, I'll humor this for a minute. If you live in Gotham and the girl you're thinking is me is from San Francisco, how exactly do you know the chemical compound of Bluejay and the Titan are the same?"

"The internet." Tim scoffs. "There are forums dedicated to you guys."

"Haven't you ever heard not to believe everything you read online?"

Tim chuckles softly. "Okay, I also know who Nightwing is, Batman...Robin." Tim looks to the ground with the last word and your face falls.

"Yeah, you sound insane," You let out a huff but if Tim does know this might be a problem for Dick later so you'll humor this a little longer. "I am interested in all of this though, so how do you know all of this?"

"Dick Grayson is Nightwing, former Robin. Robin1.0. Dick Grayson was in the Flying Graysons and he can perform a certain trapeze trick that only two people in the world could perform. Dick and his father. You know who else can do that trick? Nightwing and Robin 1.0." Tim explains with excitement as if he's been dying to share this with someone. "Bruce took in Dick and if Dick is Robin, Bruce has to be Batman." Tim continues. "I knew another Robin came in because the fighting style was different, the way he walked, the height difference."

"That's what I pointed out, too, to be fair." You point out.

"Exactly, well, Bruce Wayne took in Jason Todd." Tim looks away. "And...well..." Tim sucks in a breath.

"Robin 2.0 and Jason died around the same time, right?" You fill in what Tim doesn't want to say.

Tim nods shyly. "Yeah, and I recognized how he walked, too when you introduced us that day." Tim clears his throat. "So, if Dick is Nightwing, he's a Titan. Jason would have also been a Titan. That's how you met them. Now you live with Bruce during the same time Bluejay shows up."

You think about it for a second and actually, how has no one else figured that out? It is actually so obvious. But, you can't tell Tim that. He might be your friend but there's a lot going on and Dick and Bruce's secrets aren't yours to tell, even when you're mad at Bruce. It's not your place. And, honestly, you're a little worried what would happen if Jason ever found out Tim knew, especially right now. Would it paint a target on his back? To know Red Hood is Jason Todd? You won't risk it.

"Solid theory, I'll give you that but I also know Bruce and Dick. And uh, Bruce isn't a hero and Dick is a good detective, that's all. I'm just trying to survive. So, your math is a little off. But, I do need your help so we can keep going back and forth or you can help me." You change the subject before Tim gets any further into this. Dick is going to lose it.

"Alright, what is it?" Tim lets out a sigh but he knows he'll come back to it.

"Okay, I have this bit." You hand him a piece of paper where you traced the letters. "I don't know what it means but I know it's a code for something. And I think some of these chemicals are codes for real chemicals or something. They're not real so..."

"What's it for?" Tim quirks a brow as he gives you a grin.

"That's for me to figure out after you tell me what it means." You smile cheekily at him.

"You want my help but you're not gonna tell me?"

"No." You laugh. "It's just a project, it's not relevant."

"Okay." Tim sighs, walking over to one of the tables and you follow him.

Tim is definitely being so forthcoming because he knows he's right. He's helping a Titan right now. He's so sure of it and that's why you won't tell him anything. He had his suspicion of you and Jason. When you both came in, you both usually had some sort of bruise on you. And Tim had already figured out Jason was Robin. You were an easy puzzle piece to place after that. And he's definitely going to help a Titan.

"Got some of the chemicals for you." Tim states after a few minutes, showing you some of his work. You spent an hour on that and couldn't figure it out. How does he do that?

You look over the paper and you recognize a few of the chemicals but nothing rings a bell. "Huh." You mutter. "Anything else?"

"What are the chemicals used for?" Tim questions.

"I don't know." You shrug, only half lying. "I'm not a chemist." You quip. "What about the actual title? I mean that has to be a clue."

Tim works for what only seems to be a minute before he slides the paper over with pride. "Fear." Tim states, Tim leans back in his chair with a confident smile but he watches as your face falls.

"What?" You question as you look at the paper hastily.

"Says fear." Tim states. "That's the code."

You look back at him. "You sure?"

"Positive. Why? Is that important?" Tim raises a brow as he watches you carefully.

You were really hoping you'd be wrong but a drug leading to fear, Jason is working with someone that's dangerous. He won't tell you anything. Of all people and of all things Jason would be doing, he's doing this shit?

"Oh, that fucking dumbass." You grit your teeth. "Thank you, this is very helpful. I'm gonna go grab my food and be on my way." You let out a sigh, hopping down from the table as you grab the papers from Tim.

"Wait!" Tim calls after you as you're already headed for the door.

"I can pay you if you want, for your time. Really, I really really appreciate this." You let out a sigh.

"No, not that." Tim shakes his head. "What is it?"

You look at his board with all of the Titans and he's got it all figured out. He'll be fine. "You're really smart. Thank you. Don't do anything fucking stupid, though and be careful. Looking into that shit, might get a little messy." You pause and he's got it figured out. There's no stopping him but you aren't going to risk Scarecrow of all people, figuring out you involved him. "Hey, seriously, do not tell anyone we had this conversation. I was here for food, the usual, end of story. No one."

Tim nods his head. "Are people--"

"Nope, it's, uh, it's a-a murder mystery game we play." You lie. "Everyone is just trying to get my mind off it, ya know?" You suck in a breath. "And don't go telling people you think Bruce and Dick are the heroes. They'll also think you're insane and you'll get yourself committed."

"Isn't that cheating?" Tim raises.

"No, using my resources but they may not see it that way which is why you can't tell anyone." You grin before you turn on your heels and head out.

You head to the place you found Jason sneaking off to before he died. You caught him doing something and you hate to think this is what he was doing behind your back. Making a drug. It's insane to you. Jason was desperate but you had no idea he was that desperate. Of all the things for Jason to do, make a drug and possibly work with Jonathan Crane. He's the maker of the fear gas and he's dangerous. If anyone can make an anti-fear drug, it would be Crane. And you just can't believe Jason would be desperate enough to go to him but you have to know for sure.

Inside the room, you see he does in fact have his own lab. Dick wasn't lying. He really was here, behind your back, making this drug. You're so mad at him. How does he resort to this? How? Because of Robin? He never should have thought Robin was all he'd ever be good at. Jason believed Robin gave him magic. It starts and ends with Robin and Bruce. That's what this always boils down to and you're so angry at Jason and Bruce for it.

Your heart breaks the further you walks into the room, checking out the table where he still has everything laid out. And you still can't believe it. But, you need to know. If you're wrong, you can deal with that on your own. Jason is your responsibility. But, if you're right...you don't think you can keep that to yourself. You don't think you can handle that, not alone. It's going to be more than just getting Jason clean to get him back home. You aren't sure you can do it on your own. You know it's bad science but there's only one way to know for sure without bringing anyone else into this. Jason won't tell you anyway so you lay the formula on the table and get to work.

Jason did the hard part. And he didn't cover his tracks which you can't figure out why he wouldn't. If it was so dyer no one knows what's going on, why would he leave everything out? Why would he even leave the formula out with a clue? Unless that was the point. Jason likes to play games. It's what he does. Maybe that was the point. He coded the formula, leaving it out on purpose just to fuck with Dick and Bruce. You're surprised Dick didn't figure it out but again, maybe that's because even Dick wouldn't think Jason is crazy and desperate enough to go to fucking Scarecrow.

You finish the drug within an hour, the orange liquid loaded into an inhaler Jason left behind. You hold it up and debate it. Taking an unknown drug is a terrible idea. Taking any drug is a bad idea. And this could be a setup. Jason could have left it on purpose, knowing someone would figure it out and maybe take it to see. But you find that to be a long shot because what insane person finds a formula to make a drug and then takes it? Dick wouldn't do that and if this is about Dick, given Jason just tried to kill him, Jason would know Dick wouldn't just take a dug.

You know Jason better than anyone and Jason knows you. You put yourself in Jason's shoes, deciding maybe he'd know you'd figure it out eventually and do something completely idiotic like follow his footsteps which means this wouldn't be a setup. You settle on that logic and put the inhaler to your mouth before pressing the canister down and inhaling at the same time.

Your pupils dilate, your iris turning a bright shade of yellow-orange. And it all melts away.

The guilt you feel with not pestering Jason, him dying, not following him. Everything starts to fade away. The sadness of it all is there but it's more like a distant echo in a deep underground cave. There, but just barely. The guilt feels more like walking through fog instead of barbed wire ripping your throat to shreds. And, for the first time since you left Gotham, you aren't paranoid. You don't feel paranoid or scared. It's all completely gone. Every ounce of it. There's still this small sense of worry but the sadness, it's more of an echo.

The sadness, guilt, paranoia, and worry are caged deep inside the darkest parts of your mind. Screaming and howling to be let free again but the drug stands guard, laughing over their desperate cries. A sinister cackle echoing over everything else, clouding them so they can't break through. And for the first time, you get how Jason got here.

This is nice. You don't feel like you're weighted down anymore. In a way, it actually feels freeing. To not be scared and paranoid and consumed with worry and guilt. It's actually really fucking nice to not feel so damn heavy. But, that feeling of being free doesn't last long before it starts to fade into red-hot anger.

You think about how Jason lied to you, went behind your back. You were supposed to be a team and he left you. He left you to go after the Joker, he died, he made this dug, he became Red Hood without ever having a conversation with you. Jason just tried to kill Dick. He doesn't loop you in anymore. He made this drug that is so damn freeing and he never bothered to offer it to you. He never offered you a cure. He gets to be cured of all of his fear and paranoia while you're left here to suffer. And that pisses you off.

You're just furious with him so you get up and make your way to the Gotham City Gym thinking maybe that's his hideout. That's where you met up two days ago, it has to mean something and you do not care at all what's going to happen. You don't have the fear of consequences anymore. You aren't scared what's going to happen because you showed up there looking for him. It'll be fine, you assure yourself. It'll be the two of you, and Crane will never have to know and if he does, that's fine. You will go after him yourself because even though you're mad at Jason as you make your way on the bike, you still care about him. The love you have for him is still there, wrapping your bones like barbed wire, desperately clinging onto the old parts of you that aren't affected by the drug.

You don't want anything to happen to him. But you're mad. And the drug is letting anger win. So, you get to the old gym and walk right inside.

You find Jason in a room leaning over a chair and all you see is red, missing what he's working on. All you care about is getting answers and letting him know you're pissed and he's not just getting off the hook this time because you love him. This is fucked.

"What the fuck!?" You scream as you shove Jason away from the chair.

Jason turns to face you quickly. "What—" Jason eyes you with confusion, dropping the scalpel on the floor. "What the fuck are you doing here!?"

"Crane!?" You yell as you throw your arm out to the side. "You're working with Jonathan fucking Crane?!"

Jason takes a step back and he's never seen you like this before. Your nostrils flare and your jaw squares. Your pupils are blown and you look ready to kill him.

Oh no.

You figured it out. You took the drug. You figured out the formula. You took it. Why the fuck would you do that?

"How the fuck do you know that?" Jason seethes and he still has the drug pumping in his veins, too. What would normally be fear is clouded with anger.

"I figured it out! I told you I would! And I'm fucking offended you thought I wouldn't! You went to fucking Crane for an anti-fear drug!? Are you insane?!"

"Fuck you!" Jason screams back. "Did you fucking take it!?"

That was not part of the plan. Jason didn't want you involved and that included you taking a drug. It makes him a hypocrite and he knows that but he doesn't care. This is his problem, not yours. This was his decision and he didn't want this for you. If he did, he would have just told you.

"Yeah! And I gotta fucking say, it is nice not dealing with fear and paranoia and shit so fuck you for not telling me and giving it to me!" Your fists ball at your sides, Jason getting a glimpse of your knuckles changing color under the pressure.

"That's a load of shit! You're just saying that cause you're fucking high!" Jason yells back, the drug isn't as fresh for him as it is for you. He's thinking a little clearer than you are.

"Look who's fucking—" You pause, finally looking at the chair and seeing a passed out Hank shirtless with an open cut on his chest and a device lodged halfway into the cut. You shake your head looking back to Jason. "What the hell did I just walk in on?" Your voice comes back down.

"How did you figure it out?" Jason spits back, ignoring your question. He really doesn't want you involved with this one.

"Your erratic behavior before you died. The formula had a code. And you like to play games." You quip back and you see the hint of smirk come to his lips. "Exactly."

"You hate codes. How'd you figure it out?" His voice is a toxic mix of amusement and threatening.

"I'm resourceful. Don't worry, I didn't fucking tell anyone." You spit back. "Hank?" You gesture again as you blink at him.

He doesn't believe you. You're good at a lot of things but cracking puzzles and codes is not one of those things. It's why Jason was careful so that way if you found out, you wouldn't get anywhere. He knows you went to someone for help. You swore you don't lie to him but now you are. The line is being drawn in the sand and Jason decides he might as well throw you the bone. He wants to see exactly where your loyalty actually lies because the drug thinks that's going to be fun. It pumps him with everything Crane has filled his head with, tricking him into thinking it's true. And that includes you not being on his side.

"Putting a bomb in his chest. Wanna help?" Jason shrugs as a grin pulls at his lips as he picks the scalpel off the floor and goes back to Hank.

You watch him for a few seconds and you actually think about it. The drug clouds your judgment and lets you feel anger above everything else. You're pissed at Jason but you're still mad at Hank for earlier. Hanks wants to kill Jason and maybe that's what Hank came here to do. Maybe Hank was going to kill him. Jason is just taking it a step further because it's Jason. Nothing is ever so easy. But, a few seconds go by and you're still mad at Jason. You don't want Jason dead but you do want to piss him off because he pissed you off. An easy way to piss Jason off would be save Hank's dumbass from him.

"Fuck you." You bark, gaining Jason's attention and he thought you might actually take up the offer. He's not sure what he would have done if you did. "No, I'm not gonna help fucking kill him! Have you lost your damn mind? Who the hell are you?!" You scream again and you're starting to question if you're mad enough to kill someone you consider an ally. Hank is not your friend but would you take up the offer, right now, if you weren't so mad at Jason?

"I'm who I've always been!" Jason yells back. "What? Don't fucking like it?" Jason taunts you and he really hopes this will get you to leave.

If you're not going to be on his side, he wants you gone. You being around drives him insane because it's like two sides of him are at a war within him and they can't settle on where to sit or what to believe. They fight hard and fast, one side knowing you can be trusted and Jason loves you. He has to protect you at all costs. No matter what. But, the other side of him is high out of his mind and believes Crane really cares about him and wouldn't lie to him. Crane wouldn't just be using him and manipulating him. Crane is telling the truth and that includes you. Both sides are so torn and it drives Jason completely insane. This thing would be easier if you would just go the fuck away.

"You're not a murderer!"

"You're fucking a hypocrite! You're killing people! Crane was right about you." Jason sneers, closing the distance between you and you don't move even an inch as Jason looks down at you. "I'm fucking better and you hate it." It's like a game of tug of war in Jason's head and the Crane side is winning.

You grit your teeth as more anger starts to flood into your system. He told Crane about you? "Fuck you. Crane knows me? Really?" You huff up at him. "I liked you before."

"When I was fucking weak." Jason sneers. "You always just wanted to fix me. Well, I'm better and I'm not fucking scared. And you can't stand it." Jason lets out this horrid cackle.

You let out a loud groan as you look to the ceiling and even in your clouded state, you know Crane has to be using him. "He's fucking using you and manipulating you. He doesn't give a shit about you. We all do though." You mimic the laugh.

"Fuck you!" Jason huffs. "You don't know shit!" Jason doesn't want to fight with you but he can't help it. He should walk away and he knows he should but it's as if his feet are glued to the floor below him.

"Yeah, been there done that, right?" You look up to him. "He's using you. You just can't fucking see it." You shake your head. "He's a terrible, horrible, shit fucking excuse of a human and I can't believe you think he gives a fuck about you." You aren't sure if you're saying it to hurt him or if it's because it's true. You know there's no way Crane actually cares about him, there's no way not when Jason just made an anti-fear drug. There's more to that but you don't know if you're telling him because he needs to hear it or if you're just trying to hurt him.

The drug loves confrontation.

"You can't stand that I'm better! You hate that I don't need you anymore." Jason shakes his head, his nose scrunching in frustration. "I know what I'm doing and he cares about me unlike you and Dick and Bruce!" Jason screams and he doesn't mean it and he says it anyway. Maybe Crane is right. What if he is right? "We were a fucking mistake! You used me and tried to make yourself feel better by being with me!"

You pause and...that hurt. That still hurt. But instead of heartbreak, it fuels your anger. With the drug, your heartbreak gets confused with anger and all you want to do is hurt him back.

"We were a mistake?" You ask through gritted teeth.

The anti-fear drug doesn't just wipe away fear, it turns perfectly good people into hollowed and cruel skeletons of who they used to be. They're puppets under Crane's control once he says one sentence. Jason being desperate and feeling abandoned led him to Crane but the drug keeps him believing Crane. The drug keeps him in line. And you're having a similar side effect because normally, you'd never even think about hurting Jason but that's all you want because he hurt you. The drug turns perfectly good and decent people, into evil and malicious and calloused versions that are unrecognizable to everyone else.

Jason shrugs his shoulders. "Weren't we?" Jason questions and he doesn't mean it. But the panic and pain and fear is replaced with anger so he fires. "I'm worse, right? Nothing got better with you. I fucking died on your watch." Jason scoffs.

"I didn't get you killed, fuck you." You scoff.

"That all you got? Did I hurt your little feelings?" A grin pulls at Jason's lips and the voice echoing in the back of his head lets out a loud cry and it cracks the sturdy glass the drug creates. He knows he'll regret this. He doesn't mean it. He swears he doesn't mean it.

"I don't even know you right now and I don't think I want to." You shake your head and even when you know you should hold back, you don't. The words come out in a hasty rage before you can even process them because they'll hurt him. "This why Rose lied to you? Maybe it was to protect herself from you, right? Get close and you lose your shit and hit below the belt."

"Fuck you! Yeah? What about Gar? You say I don't tell you shit, well now you know how he felt. How do you think Molly feels right now?" Jason snaps right back.

"Gar is my friend and he's waiting back at the manor for me." You shrug your shoulders as you look Jason up and down. "Where's Rose?" You quip back. You don't mean it. You don't mean any of it. You don't even know why you're thinking it. It's not true. This was a bad idea. The drug was a bad idea.

He knows. He knows deep down you don't mean it because he doesn't either. He'd never say any of this to you and he doesn't even think any of it. But Crane is in his head and he makes so many good points, and you're making him so fucking mad. And if it weren't for the drug, he knows, he'd be terrified of what's going to happen when Crane finds out you know. What Crane is going to ask him to do. He'd be scared for your life. And your well-being. He loves you but he can't see through the anger and the numbness. He can't see through it. But, there's still that pecking for you right in the back of his head, right in the stitched letters of your name on his heart. Not you.

"Leave or let me do this. Two fucking choices." Jason sucks in a breath before he turns around and heads back towards Hank.

"You're not killing him." You move towards Jason and yank him back by his hood, just enough to stop him.

Jason stumbles back, eyes locked and angered on you. "You gonna stop me?" Jason scowls, holding a scalpel in one hand.

You won't let him kill Hank. The drug says it'll be fun and then Hank will be out of your hair. You won't have to defend Jason against him anymore and he won't be annoying. He'll be dead. That'll be the end of it. Hank won't be a bother to anyone anymore but stopping Jason will piss him off and something about that seems a little bit more fun. But, there is a small pecking at the back of your head. Jason yanking you off of Jerry because you shouldn't have blood on your hands. The memory flashes like a flashbang against everything you should be thinking while high and you swear you won't let him. It's time to repay the favor, high or not.

Jason's formula was always a little off. The drug Jason is taking now is upgraded, it's better because Crane manufactured this with Jason's help getting the supplies. Your version is a little off.

"Only if you make me have to." You shake your head, blocking Hank from Jason.

Jason hesitates. If you were anyone else, you wouldn't have gotten this far into an argument and he's pretty sure you know that. And he also knows that with the drug, even his version of it, you won't back down.

"Hank has always treated me like shit. You don't fucking get it." Jason shakes his head.

"And killing him is gonna make it all better?" You quip back. "Cause that's shit. He's a fucking ass to me, too but I'm not trying to kill him."

"Because you were always a coward." Jason's voice lacks the venom this time as if he knows what he's saying isn't true and it's not right.

"Maybe." You shrug. "But at least I'm not someone killing an innocent person." You scoff. "So, what does that make you?" You ask and even in this state, you just want him to be the Jason before he died. It's all you want.

Jason shakes his head. "I'm not scared anymore." His voice is level this time and honest. The venom has evaporated and even in this state, your heart breaks. How did he fucking get here?

"Is it worth it? Losing your friends? Dick, Bruce, Gar?" You pause for a second. "Me?"

Jason shakes his head and you'll never get it. "You don't get it." He can't let you get in his head and that's what you're doing. Jason shuts his eyes for just a second before he shakes his head, snapping himself out of it. "Now move and go the fuck home."

You nod your head and Jason is the one drawing the line, not you. You have given him every chance and opportunity to give you a reason to side with him and he will not do it. He only gives you reasons to be against him and you hate it, even in this state.

"No." You shake your head and cross your arms. "You're gonna have to fucking fight me, Jay."

Jason moves forward, looking down at you and for a second, you think he'll let it go. But, instead, he shoves you to the side. Not hard, but enough to get you out of the way. Jason swears he's not going to be the one to fight you first. It is his one fucking line he has been able to not cross and he swears he can't do that. Not you.

You fire back, shoving him harder and further away from Hank.

"All you got, babe? Thought I taught you better than that." Jason taunts.

"Yeah, well, I learned from Dick, too and I'm not throwing the first punch." You stand toe-to-toe with Jason. "You'll have to do that, Red Hood."

"Out the fucking way." Jason shoves you again, this time a little harder than before.

"You get the fuck out of the way." You shove him harder, this time Jason falling to the ground.

He looks up at you with so much anger, it nearly breaks you. He's never looked at you like that before. And maybe if he weren't high, he'd find it impressive and endearing. But he is high and he doesn't give a fuck. He swings his leg, tripping you and you fall to the floor.

Jason is back on his feet before you, quickly moving to Hank and trying to get the bomb readjusted. You move closer to him, kicking Jason in the back of the knees and sending him to the floor which gives you enough time to get to your feet.

"Wake the fuck up, Hank!" You shake him quickly, trying to wake him up but Jason trips you again, this time taking one kick to the back of the knee and then the front.

You look at Jason as he's still on the ground. You're not going to get anywhere if all you two do is keep tripping each other. And the drug loves a good fight.

"Okay, fine. Do you really wanna do this? You really wanna fight me?" You question.

"You're the one that wants to fight." Jason huffs.

The part with the drug would love to fight you. He knows he will win but you'll put up a good fight and it'll be fun. But, the better part of him, the part that always wins when it comes to you, wants to kick his heart through his ribs and onto the cement floor. He can't fight you. He can't do it. Not you. Anyone but you.

"You're the one trying to kill someone." You quip.

"You're not gonna fucking stop me."

"I have to fucking try!" Your voice finally cracks as you yell.

"Good luck." Jason barks as he gets to his feet.

You don't really want to fight him either. Like Jason, you have that part of you that still doesn't want to cross that line, no matter what. But, Jason can't come back from killing one of your own. The Titans will never forgive that, regardless of his reason. It doesn't matter if this isn't really him. They won't forgive him because it's Jason. You don't want that for him. If your options are to fight him or let him kill Hank, you really only have one choice.

And the drug is thrilled about it.

You get to your feet, keeping a few feet between you. "If you go down for five seconds, this is it. Got it?" You offer him.

Jason lets out a cackle. "Fuck no."

"You're a better fighter, right? What the fuck are you so scared for?" You say it on purpose, knowing it'll get him to fight.

Jason eyes you for a few seconds, knowing he can't possibly say no now. The drug is winning over the logical side of him and he has to agree. But, he also knows he'll still pull his punches. Maybe you can go a few rounds and you'll get tired. Jason remembers how it feels when his version of the drug wears off and how long it usually lasts. He's not sure when you took it but he's hoping maybe a few rounds and it'll wear off a little, make you too tired to continue then neither of you have to fight your hardest. He doesn't want to and he's betting you don't either.

"Fine. Five seconds. You, too. You go down and I can finish what I started without you getting in the fucking way." Jason nods his head. "No weapons and no acid."

"Deal." You nod your head as you lift up your hoodie and unbuckle the belt with all of your knives, dropping it on the floor.

Jason pulls both guns from his holsters, walking over and putting them on a table. Then he starts pulling his own knives out of his pockets and boots, resting them with the guns before he walks back over. Jason stands three feet in front of you who's eyes haven't left him.

"Two outta three?" Jason questions and all he can hear is his heart in his ears.

"Fine." You agree, sucking in a breath. "You and me."

Jason's jaw locks. "You and me."

You and Jason stand a few feet away from each other. The two of you take a few seconds, almost contemplating if this is a good idea. This was a line Jason swore, no matter what, he'd never cross. It's you. He doesn't want to fight you but he has to do this. He doesn't have a choice. That's the thing about the anti-fear drug. He's easy to manipulate when it comes to Crane and he doesn't feel anything. Not just fear. So, he takes the first step forward and goes to trip you again but you dodge him, taking the first official swing to his face.

The two of you fight a little harder against each other than you normally do. You know you'll lose. You always did. It doesn't matter. He's better, he's faster. And the clairvoyance has a loophole. Apparently, a lot of it is rooted in fear factor, adrenaline and the anti-fear drug diminishes that. Fighting Jason without the clairvoyance is more difficult. You can't tell where the next hit is coming from and you have to be completely on defence. Maybe you should have trained a little more with Dick after all. But, you try and strike as hard and as fast as you can. You put up a good fight.

Jason is pulling his punches. You aren't in the suit. You have nothing to protect you and even though he should care more, he is not careless. He doesn't want to hurt you so he pulls his punches, despite knowing you'll never forgive him for it. And the more he pulls his punches, the better chance you stand on tiring yourself out by the time the drug starts to wear off. Jason is just buying time so he can finish Hank because he needs to. It's part of the plan. Crane said it has to happen and he has to listen. So, he keeps fighting until you go down twice, coughing and gasping.

Jason counts but it's slower than usual as you try to use your remaining energy against him to no avail. The drug might tell him this is fun and thrilling, it'll be worth it in the end. But, the real Jason hates every single second of this. It never should have been like this and if he weren't high, he would have walked away. If you weren't high, you probably would have, too. But, now you're both here bloody and bruised fighting over fucking Hank Hall.

"Five." Jason heaves from above you. His jaw is squared and he hates himself for it. "We had a deal." Jason takes in a full breath, watching your expression soften and fall, your pupils returning to normal.

You look up at him, blood pooling in your mouth and leaking from a gash on your head. Jason has blood splitting his lip and drips dropping from his nose. But, he's foggy and distant. You tried. You tried your absolute hardest and your eyes are heavy while your limps feel like the blood has been replaced with cement.

You sit up, your head spinning slightly but not the way it usually does with a concussion, this is different. You rest your hands on the floor, scooting back until your back hits the wall and you lean your head back, closing your eyes.

You're so tired. You're exhausted and all you want to do is sleep. But, the fear starts to creep back into your system. The numbness you felt is being washed away like a sandcastle on a beach while the tide comes in. And everything starts to hurt.

Everything you just said to Jason, everything he said it you. It all hurts and then fear comes in and now you're terrified you messed everything up. What happens if Crane finds out you know? Is Crane going to think Jason did it? Is he going to find a replacement? What if he wants you dead and asks Jason to do it? Where does that leave him? 

Jason glances over to you as he gets the bomb readjusted. The gash doesn't seem deep, there isn't too much blood and the blood from your mouth is from a small cut on your lip. It's nothing worse than what either of you got from sparring with each other and Gar and Rachel. But, Jason watches you for a few more seconds, just being sure. 

"You okay?" Jason finds it himself to ask as he places the bomb in position.

"Tired." Your voice cracks and you think about what the Titans are going to say when Hank dies.

This is your fault. You weren't fast enough and you weren't good enough. Hank is going to die because Jason was manipulated and used and put a bomb in his chest. And you were too weak to stop him. Even while high, you still pulled your punches because it's him. They're never going to forgive either of you.

"It's wearing off, isn't it?" Jason asks, his voice stern as he places the bomb in Hank's chest, following the blueprints.

"Yeah..." Your voice is so small, making Jason look back over at you. He's definitely burning that lab down.

You wonder if this is normal. If it is, how did you miss it? You wonder how much Jason actually used it for you to have not noticed. Maybe he only used it a few times and only when he was out. The drug definitely didn't last very long. You just wish you would have noticed something was wrong.

"You'll feel better in a bit." Jason states as he closes the skin around the bomb. 

You fall silent, keeping your eyes closed. This can't be what a normal comedown feels like. You're somehow both so exhausted you could sleep for a week and you're terrified. Every piece of fear you had before is amplified and you're stuck between wanting to sleep and wanting to run away from everything. If you thought you could get up, you'd run out of Gotham and away from this mess. But, your head is spinning and your arms and legs hurt while your chest feels like it's going to collapse on itself.

Jason calls your name, glancing over to you again.

He knows what happens with his version. There's a comedown and it's rough. Every fear and mistake and regret floods back in a tidal wave, taking over all of the relief the drug provided all while making it impossible to stay awake. It doesn't last long, twenty minutes but Jason swears it's always long enough to keep him going back to the drug to not feel that way again. The new version has a similar effect but instead of a crash, it's slower like a stranger in the night following him and waiting for the perfect moment. With every step, he grows more uneasy and home seems further away. But, you didn't take the new version, so he keeps glancing at you just to make sure you're okay.

Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea.

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[lukweer]

ok so like there are two parts of me, right? well there are a lot of parts but english is hurting me right now and my head isn't working so you will make due/do(?)

anyways one part is like: my sense for gay people is strong, i think i know which f1 drivers are gay and i am confident in my answers

but the other part is like: its wrong to speculate sexuality because if people havent come out then they either aren't ready to be out or aren't gay, but at the same time this generation is moving away from the construct of coming out so like... idk.

today the first part is stronger, though, so i want to share my speculations because everyone in the states only watches nascar and is a hick and i'm scared of them. they also do not like my italian accent :(

1. Max Verstappen

come on guys, any gay person could tell u he's probably bi. i mean he doesn't even try to hide it, u know? like there are compilations of him being fruity. and they are shockingly long.

he's mentioned using grindr, he's mentioned girls OR guys when talking about dating preferences, the whole thing with the freaking lei (i think thats how it is spelled, the hawaiian thing? the flower necklace?). the list goes on and on.

he's had girlfriends, and i'm pretty sure they weren't beards but i'm not sure. i'm leaning towards bi tho for this reason.

even if he isn't bi or gay or pan or whatever, he's at least incredibly comfortable with queerness and is probably a really cool dude. annoying when i'm watching the sunday races, but love him the rest of the time!

2. Lando Norris

lando is a bit more subtle with it (as are the other ppl in the list). emphasis on a bit, though.

unless you live under a rock, you've probably seen this gif:

this has called many aboard the lando is a little fruitcake train. what people don't realise is that he "eye fucks" or like... stares lovingly a lot.

other examples include:

staring lovingly at carlos sainz

checking out charles leclerc (kind of? i think he is checking him out)

staring lovingly at carloz sainz

this weird ass moment with, you guessed it, carloz sainz

there are a lot of these photos and clips out there, but i'm lazy and don't feel like looking for them so yeah. take my word for it.

i saw a post saying that if carlos and lando pulled up to the paddock holding hands and telling people they were dating they wouldn't be shocked. i agree with this statement entirely. as was stated, it takes a lot to get to that point, and we're at that point.

now i grew up a gay dude to a conservative family, and i know the little mannerisms that are like... a part of being gay? and i know what it looks like to hide them.

i do not know if this is the right way to say it or if it is politically correct, but i believe it to be true. gay men tend to have little mannerisms here and there that give us away a bit, and i think i've seen some of those in lando.

i don't think i will share them though, as i don't want to accidentally push harmful stereotypes or whatever. obviously not all gay men have gay mannerisms and it might be something lando is insecure about so i would rather not put them on blast.

if it's not a bad thing i may come back and edit this and add them in. idk, let me know i guess? i am still learning american customs.

3. Yuki Tsunoda

this is probably going to be the shortest section (ha).

yuki mostly just makes my radar go off. i don't consume alphatauri content as much, but i know there was a thing with him and pierre that was just crazy last year and the year prior. don't know as much about it as i should haha.

but yeah. yuki just sends my radar into the astral plane (is that a thing? i am doubting myself). if he is not at least bisexual i will eat my own foot.

maybe that one moment between him and michael italiano has just gotten to me, i don't know. i trust in my instincts though.

Honourable Mentions

4. Danny Ric

idk he just gives the vibe! i don't know how to explain my radar. gay people know. i think it is called gaydar.

DR is on it.

5. Carlos Sainz

he is probably on my gaydar the least, but he's still on there. latest vlog he gently combed his finger through ruperts hair. he's probably deeply in love with lando. just little things like that i guess!

6. Oscar Piastri

this may be wishful thinking. i sit in bed at night and pray that he is into men.

that is all! thank you for learning about fruity drivers with me! please do not cancel me if i am doing something politically incorrect! i am still learning!

[gymleader-larry-fan]

Personal hcs I'm so obsessed with this guy. Pretend i do not exist

Comes off as intimidating because he's so tired all the time but he's very nice good samaritan kinda dude

Like he doesn't go above n beyond but he likes to help people if he just so happens to have the chance

He has to be a divorced man. There's no way he just. Lived his whole life the way he is rn like he GETS BITCHES. Or used to. if he's gorgeously dishevled now imagine how he was BEFORE. Yeah.

He's the kind of dude who just appreciates the little things in life. He does not need excessive effort to be put into a relationship sometimes he just wants to sit around w the person he loves and be like "I appreciate you very much" and give them a hug and a little kiss on the cheek or something.

He probably doesn't like surprises or often doesn't know how to react to them but tries his best to appreciate them!

I stole this from someone else but I just think it's very true; Kofu would greet him with a slap on the back and he wouldn't be strong enough to keep his balance and he probably wouldn't fight it nd just end up falling flat on his face or something. If he doesn't fall on his face it's because someone else caught him and in the Nick of time prevented him from hitting the floor.

I will add more to the list as the Larry faced brainwormsn gnaw away at my frontal lobe don't worry 💯👍

Obvious but he loves food he fucking loves food this bitch will be like "you like food? I like food too let's get food" if he asks where you wanna eat and you say you don't know he'll be like "ah. I think I know just the place" and it'll be the treasure eatery always like that's his go-to.

He's no expert chef or anything but this bitch can cook up a mean meal!!!!! (if he wants to) He just usually doesn't because he's so tired after work so he whips up something microwavable and then falls asleep

I think he has a favorite type of bread. There is no reason for this but I think he has a preference for how he likes the bread he eats eg. Crunchy outside soft inside or maybe he'd really really like soft milk bread I gotta do some hard thinking on what kind of bread he would like most

#1 coffee love hater he only has caffeine or energy drinks if he's knocking out but he really needs to finish something desperately cus of a deadline or something but other than that he avoids coffee like the plague

I cannot explain but this man has safe foods and Onigiri is one of them

[stephaniebrownslover]

MY EVİL WAYS BY THE NEARLY DEADS İS SOOOO CLOCKWORK CODED

Just my ramblings about how I view Clockwork, nothing important.

"My thoughts are twisted, wrong and wicked"

Alright, I think Clockwork knows how wicked and wrong her thoughts are and she hates it. But still, she knows she can't change her mind and can't undo the past even though she wants it more than anything she has ever wanted. She knows normal people won't think the way she does and she hates herself because of this. She also feels so alone since she thinks she's the only one on this way.

It's one of the canon facts that the thing she most wants is a good family like other kids. Although she won't admit it, she regrets her actions and wants to change them.

"I've found you, let's have some fun"

This part can be referred to as Toby to my humble opinion. When she found Toby, she felt like she finally found someone like her. And obviously, she would prefer having fun time with him rather than crying over their past.

"Calling me strange gives me confidence/ 'Cause I take it as a compliment"

Clockwork is used to calling as bad names so she wouldn't have any problem with hearing more bad words. She had a real hard school and home life, she heard words such as weirdo and creep daily if we consider the fact that she was a little bit of a strange minded kid.

"Maybe I'll change my evil ways"

As I mentioned, Natalie wants to change herself. She wants to be a better person, at least a better person than Clockwork. She would prefer changing her wicked ways if she was really given a chance about it.

"Stop taking shots one of these days"

To be honest, I have no idea what taking shots means so I searched it in slang and found this definition.

Taking shots: to make a critical or hurtful remark about someone

Well, Clockwork is a mean person and if she wants to get along with other people, she also needs to change the way she speaks. Idk.

"I'll settle down, I'll rearrange"

As I said, she wants to change herself and the first step that goes this way is settling down and reconsidering her actions. This is why she would add them to her to do list.

"Maybe I'll learn from my mistakes"

We all know that she's a really reckless person. So I'm just assuming but Clockwork tends to repeat some of her mistakes. Since she's really careless and uninterested in many things, she would do the same thing until it hurts her really bad. And she hates it but she doesn't do anything to change it.

"Stop breaking hearts, forgetting names"

She's a true heartbreaker lol

To be more serious, she broke lots of hearts on purpose or accidentally. And I also can see how she can forget names easily because of the fact that Clockwork is really hateful and neglectful towards the people. And doing both these things should be on her list to change her major personality traits.

"I'll settle down and act my age"

She doesn't usually act like her age because of not living her teenage years like how it supposed be.

"One of those days, but not today"

Yeah, she really wants to change herself. But she's not sure if changing herself would make her more likeable or not and she doesn't really have any motivation to do this. She already crossed the line and there is no way turning back from this road. So this is more like a dream to her, the kind of dream where you desire it more than anything but also know you can't do anything to achieve it so you keep delay and delay until it's too late.

She knows all too well that her dream is meaningless but if she gave up on that, she would have no reason to keep going. Her life would be meaningless without a purpose, just like how she lived in her childhood.

I'm really tired so please act like I explained everything precisely.

I talked nonsense probably but I'm too exhausted to understand that.

Anyways, thanks for coming my Ted Talk

[nightfallsystem]

Nightfallsystem - Main blog. Plural System. cringe asf autistic and chronic pain haver. giant isopod enthusiast.

READ MY DNI AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST!!!

IF I FOLLOW U / REBLOG FROM U RANDOMLY / ACT LIKE WE'RE MUTUALS U PROBABLY FOLLOWED/INTERACTED ON MY BLOG @qiekz OR @qiekzart

‼️hi guys if ur reading this during october 2023 plz check out @qiekzart rn im doing a thing ✨✨

Check out my etsy plzzz :333 i post adoptables !!

My name is Qiekz, my pronouns are it/its, please use my actual preferred pronouns. For your DNI purposes please know I'm 14 ^_^ also no nsfw interaction or you will fucking die!! im also learning japanese! (please send help.... im dying..... grahh.. ive gone too far to quit its kind of my curse now.)

what to expect from this blog? random shit, this is my personal blog. there may be vents and rants (tagged as #vent and #rant respectively) there may be random shit there will be so many reblogs.

i try to add ids when i can into the alt text, though i have chronic pain so sometimes im too tired to, sorry

Special interests: Giant isopods, Yugioh 💀💀

interests: TBHK, manga and anime, servals, marine animals, suicide boy (critical of it...), made in abyss, (critical of it...) , japanese language ,, ... i forgor

FEEL FREE (i encourage you to!) TAG ME IN SHIT ABOUT MY INTERESTS!!! esp yugioh im really autistic about it o my god

#autistic about this thing tag <- will be me tagging shit im really autistic about!!

not really in discourse anymore other than transgender stuff so if you try to drag me into discourse ill drag you into the pits of hell. i fucking hate syscourse so much.

If i am not speaking and another system member is, the post will be tagged as "- [name]". I tag common triggers, flashing lights and eyestrain, etc, these will be tagged as "TW [topic]". also JSYK i block a fuck ton of people so like, yeah, I block anyone for any reason I want. I will also not unblock you. unless youre liek my friend or smth.

We have so many fictives sooo,, source list: TBHK, Omori, OneShot, Wolf Song the Movie (yknow, that one on youtube.), yugioh..... </3 .. sourcemates r cool to interact n stuff feel free to send an ask im just shy...

anon hate MUST be original no lame "kys" or "[slur]". i will judge you. try better. try harder. get good. if you send anon hate i will judge it and rate it out of 10 so please try your best.

i am weirdo fictionkin heres the list: hooni from suicide boy yayy,, faputa from made in abyss ( I FUCKING HATE THE SORUCE FOR BEING SO WEIRD OMFG AHGHH),, jolteon from pokemon. . im weird and fuckd up . much prefer if u dont rlly seperate me from me in sources. cuz i just am me. sorry. ig. just refer to me as me . thank you

I am critical of all of my interests!!

or more just i hate them agh just be normal omfgggg crying sobbing

if you wanna avoid a common trigger its most likely tagged #tw [topic]. i also tag eyestrain and flashing lights but usually i just tag it as "#eyestrain" or "#flashing". tbh i unfortunately cant be trusted to remember to tag any other specific trigger because of bad memory. i wont tag reclaimed slurs but i will tag slurs used in a mean way

Please do not DM me unless you actually really need to. Send me an ask if you want to DM me and specify that you want it answered privately if you want. but i AM UNCOMFY WITH DMS. unless we're friends or i DMed you first. otherwise i place a curse on you I MUCH prefer asks over DMs

Sideblog list

@omori-addict

@oops-all-traumacore (TW TRAUMACORE)

@sunnymogai (inactive)

@hellhoundmutt (inactive)

@sunnymogai2 (inactive)

@qiekz (EYESTRAIN + FLASHING TW please block if you are affected by that please)

@qiekzart

@tsukasabrainrot

alter blog 4 tasma:

@tazmahell

@tazmaboxed

DNI:

Anti plural, pluralphobe, anti endo, sysmed, against created alters/etc, "dont believe in systems",

Proship, condone or support posting any sexual stuff that includes a child, lolicon/shotacon/etc, someone purposely meant to look like a child, cub.

LGBTQphobic, transmed, transphobe/homophobe/biphobe/panphobe/etc, 'super straight'/variants, anti-ace inclusion, anti-aro inclusion, anti a-spec inclusion, aphobes, anti mspec lesbian/gay/etc, stelliophobic, anti lesboy/turigirl/etc, anti any good faith queer identity, anti neopronouns, anti xenogender, anti mogai.

Ableist, support autism speaks, think "narc abuse" is a thing/demonise people with any disorder including NPD, infantalise people with disorders/disabilities/etc, post/support on subreddits like r/fakedisordercringe or r/systemscringe, use the term "Aspergers" / describe urself as an "aspie" (Hans Asperger was a nazi who killed many disabled people, so shut the fuck up.)

Racist, cultural appropriators.

Radqueers, trans-id/transX, transrace/trace (not adoptee term), support the term transplural, pro-contact/contact-complex/contact-neutral for harmful paraphillia, sway people away from getting help for harmful paraphillia, MAP/Pedo/zoo/necro. (also transspecies is ok if its not used in a transX way)

Fujoshi/variants. fetishize mlm/wlw, etc.

Against traumacore / vent art.

Have minors on ur DNI (no offense im just a minor lol), NSFW-Focused blog

Post stolen art (includes AI images) / trace art without consent

other stuff is im neutral on factkin or kff tbh. and i think id rather stay neutral on tulpas as a term. i just dont fucking care. i dont involve myself in syscourse anymore, i might post more endogenic positivity later but id rather not due to the rampant harassment and infighting in the system community.

[lunar-years]

Re: that ask about Jamie being a team player under Pep and your answer - it's actually not that new, referencing Pep, which is the weird part. The team notes from season 1, the stuff the writers gave Arlo White to make his "cheat sheets" for the season 1 finale match where Jamie makes that extra pass? They list Pep as the manager, and Ted and Jamie both mention him in their interviews in the episode as well. So when giving Jamie that extra pass moment, they did it with full concurrent awareness, in writing the season 1 finale, that Pep was Jamie's manager. Creating a fictional manager was never going to happen- Sudeikis is a big Pep fan, and obviously the show's production had to have struck up a good deal with Man City to feature them so much before they had rights to other teams, so they tend to show the team in a positive light even if they're Richmond's adversary. Anyway my point is, Pep as Jamie's coach isn't retrofitted or retroactive, rather, they knew Pep was Jamie's coach even when they had Jamie make that extra pass. So it IS a weird hole they've dug, because they're never going to claim Ted is a better coach than Pep (not only tactic wise but personally/how he treats players, he is beloved) but the implications of that about Jamie's career are very weird in that regard! But they've known it all along, and I can't imagine they don't consider the impact of it on Jamie given the way Sudeikis has talked about Pep before and also given how much backstory they've been said to have imagined, like how much Sudeikis apparently thinks about what informs all these characters. Theyve painted themselves into a corner where the text of the show confirms that Pep informs Jamie massively. Which I personally enjoy, but does detract from Ted's alleged influence on Jamie which I frankly have never massively cared about anyway. I much prefer Pep 😂. I do think they absolutely know Jamie was a small fish in a big pond at City and things changed for him at Richmond - he was top dog for the first time ever there, is what I think they were going for. But maybe we will learn more when they play City away.

Okay I know this was so not the point of your ask so sorry for the pivot lol but how on earth did the show convince the irl West Ham to agree to having their club portrayed on the show as the evil Rupert Mannion run Star Wars Death Star club ??? how do the West Ham fans feel about this? lmao.

To address your actual ask I just feel like they included Pep without thinking it through, because the narratives of what they're trying to do with Ted and what can be reasonably inferred about Jamie's backstory with Man City just are not adding up for me, lol. Definitely agree they're not going for "Ted is better than actual irl coaches," but they're certainly trying to portray that Ted was the exact right person for this particular group of guys at the particular time he landed in their lives. I do think they want us to believe there's something special about Ted that cultivated the team's success in a way other coaches couldn't have done in those particular circumstances of what Richmond was at that time. (And yeah it doesn't necessarily make much sense, but I just suspend my belief on that bit, because what about a goofy Kansas man with no prior knowledge of football and seemingly little desire to dig into it further leading a professional football team to victory does? )

wait edited to add: I also think you're 100% right about Jamie being a small fish in a big pond at City and things changing for him at Richmond in that it was the first time he was really in the position of being the best. Definitely!!! And that is such a good point. There were really excellent tags on a reblog of that last ask that were basically paralleling Jamie to Nate in that it's how you treat people who are powerless when you're in a position above them (whether that be actual authority or, like Jamie, just being the best player on the team) that is most telling.

[leviathancries]

tragic love songs to study to (vol. 5)

[DUCKBOY] (2023)

Tragic Love Songs To Study To is Ruby da Cherry (from $uicideboy$) newest solo project. Going by the name DUCKBOY for this album adding to his ever-growing list of aliases. Personally something I have been waiting for, for a long fucking time. Ruby (DUCKBOY) managed to tap into his roots in punk and created this mini album. Much to the upset of most of his zoomer iPad baby fanbase who only want KILL MYSELF! DRUGS! SATAN!!! music.

Track 1: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"You may hang up or press 1 for more options"

To be honest as an intro track I have heard better, It does set a pretty good (dial)tone for the theme of the album. (people bothering him and trying to call him)

Track 2: ROUGAROU (i've become the monster

"Let's pull back the tide and see if the moon is dead!"

ROUGAROU starts off the album strong with that signature 2000's emo pop-punk vibe. I'm a huge fan of Ruby in general but I feel on songs like this his potential as an artist shines best. His style of singing is so suited to this type of song and it's a shame he hasn't made music like this sooner lol. (yeah before you try and be a smart ass I have listened to his punk shit from his old bands, ur not cool for knowing that) Also the hook of the song is so fucking catchy it's been stuck in my head since the album came out. "I HAVE ALL NIGHT TO HUNT, I PROMICE TO PROTECT YOU WITH MY CURSE!" insane.

Track 3: where y'at, duckboy?

"Oh my god, call me ASAP..."

Interesting choice to put an interlude as the 3rd track on the album, but it is only a 7 song album so I guess it is more forgivable. That being said I actually really like this song. It carries on with the theme of people calling Ruby and bothering him. The simple hip-hop trap beat with that smooth bass kinda fucks to be honest.

Track 4: XXL hadron collider

"I ain't crying over spilt milk, but who's gonna clean this mess?"

Track four thrusts us right back in that 2000s emo mindset. Singing about suicide and betrayal has never been so cool to be honest. This is probably my favorite song on the album solely because it has such a nostalgic sound to it. This song just reminds me of being super young watching AMV's on YouTube in 2008. Like listen to this song and tell me this doesn't remind you of that. And again Ruby flexes on us with his talent of writing catchy hooks. Also the vocal style switch up between verse one and two is unmatched.

Track 5: ​my love life needs a lobotomy

"I spent the whole night throwing up your spiiit!"

Track four and five seamlessly flow into one another. I mean the song is only 41 seconds so it's pretty much just verse three of track four separated into it's own track. BUT IT'S A FUCKING GOOD SONG DAMNIT! like really fucking good. Not really much else to say about this one.

Track 6: where y’at, duckboy​?? "Call me back dawg..."

Another interlude. More voicemails. More chill-hop beats. If I had to compare this one to the other interlude I prefer the other one. Although the girl who says "Thank you" at the end sounds cute :3

Track 7: ​after further reasoning, i’m going to bed

"I'll live as long as my little lungs last!"

Last track of the album. Track seven is another pop-punk song, using catchy guitar riffs and upbeat drums. Ruby shows off his versatile voice on this song using different vocal styles and a good variety of pitch. Homeboy went crazy not gonna lie. Another memorable song IMO. Just another thing to add to my long, long list of good Ruby songs and verses.

Overview: tragic love songs to study to (vol. 5)

I know I was essentially throating Ruby in this review but what can I say? I love the dude. He's a huge inspiration for me. Personal opinions aside ill say the good and bad about the album as a whole.

It's fuckin' short. Like short as fuck. Like out of the 7 songs we have an intro and 2 interludes. That only leaves 4 actual songs, one of which is only 41 seconds long. That being said, the full songs on this album are fucking amazing. Like really, really good. If you are into 2000s pop-punk, emo nostalgia shit. Check this out. The songs are super catchy, well produced and well written. This album has been a long time coming since Ruby has hinted at a solo project for years and I'm hoping for more in the future!

Rating: 8/10

If there's any typos or inconsistencies in this review it's because I can't be bothered to proof read it.

[ts4ritsa]

✧ about me page …

this page contains pretty much all you need to know about my blog and me as a person :D

regarding me ┆彡

- heya there, call me sar! I’m the sole moderator in charge of this blog. you can refer to me with any pronouns but I’d appreciate they/them.

general info ┆彡

- here, you will find posts of mine that mainly consist of me indulging my follower’s requests and/or desires by writing reader-insert fanfiction of them being paired with characters in the shows and games they enjoy. sometimes I like to post my own thoughts and headcanons about my fav characters too

- if you would like to submit a request, please see my rules page first, then submit it through my inbox!

- also, I generally write in 2nd person POV and lowercase writing is a stylistic choice. but, oneshots will have proper grammar

- although this is primarily a writing blog, I do post other silly little things from time to time

likes ┆彡

- cats: I love cats. I have one and she’s my baby fr (she will be the death of me)

- self-care: taking time off to just relax and prioritize my well-being. this includes spa days, shopping sprees, basically just me-time! it’s a reason why I take time off my blog every now and then too. don’t forget to put yourself first!

- writing: I think this one’s obvious lol — it’s something I like to do for fun, since I love to create stories and I occasionally tend to daydream about what it’d be like to exist in the fantasy worlds of my favorite fictional medias

- making & drawing ocs: I absolutely LOVE creating my own original characters and bringing them to life with art. I like to brainstorm ideas in my head and use songs make up lore for em!

- medias: I like all of the medias I write for and have listed on my home page, but here are some others that I also enjoy — honkai: star rail, genshin impact, doki doki literature club, cookierun: kingdom, super danganronpa another 2, project: eden’s garden, amanda the adventurer, baldi’s basics, bendy and the ink machine, five night’s at freddy’s, spy x family, kakegurui, demon slayer, panty and stocking, onibi series, the music freaks, south park, teen titans, clone high, the proud family, kim possible, hazbin hotel, helluva boss, squid game, heathers, mean girls, six, descendants, across the spider-verse, the super mario bros. movie

* I do want to write for some of these fandoms in the future but I still need to get a general grasp of the story and characters before I do so. also I am totally open to new fandom suggestions

fun facts ┆彡

- this blog’s birthay is on june 16th, 2022!

- the fandoms I am currently most fixated with are danganronpa and total drama ★

- a side-project I am currently working on is my old fanganronpa story that I made a few years ago! since I was falling back into the dr hole again, I decided to pick it back up. I love my cast they’re so silly

before you follow ┆彡

- I have nothing but platonic love for you guys! so if I ever say “ILY” or anything like that and spam heart emojis just know it’s always gonna be platonic

- I do like to answer asks and talk to anons! feel free to tell or ask me anything (with the exception of trauma dumping and asking overly personal things obviously)

- I prefer following on my own so I’d prefer not being asked to be mutuals with anyone randomly. I’d like to get to know you a little first; or if we post related content, have similar interests and we’ve interacted at least once before

- I revamp my blog pretty often because I am bad at settling down with themes

- if you’d like to become an emoji/named anon, send me an ask or request with your sign off and I’ll add you right away ^^

- I can disappear from time to time because of writer’s block, so yeah sorry about that in advance

- please don’t bring up any problematic or controversial topics on this blog — I want this account’s purpose to be solely for fun and I’m not trying to associate with problematic subjects or people :)

faves ┆彡

- amphibia: anne boonchuy, marcy wu, sasha waybright, darcy

- danganronpa: byakuya togami, angie yonaga, makoto naegi, kyoko kirigiri, celestia ludenberg, sakura ogami, genocider syo, hajime hinata, mahiru koizumi, hiyoko saionji, ryota mitarai, chiaki nanami, kirumi tojo

- genshin impact: kamisato ayaka, hu tao, xiao, furina, shenhe, kamisato ayato, xiangling

- honkai: star rail: gepard landau, fu xuan, acheron, sparkle, firefly, tingyun, kafka, silver wolf, stelle, dan heng

- madoka magica: homura akemi, mami tomoe, kyoko sakura, madoka kaname, sayaka miki

- project sekai colorful stage: airi momoi, emu otori, kanade yoisaki, rui kamishiro, all of mmj and niigo tbh, an shiraishi

- steven universe: peridot, yellow diamond, pearl

- the owl house: darius deamonne, luz noceda, amity blight, lilith clawthorne, edalyn clawthorne, boscha

- total drama: courtney, heather, leshawna

- yandere simulator: umeji kizuguchi, raibaru fumetsu, musume ronshaku

[hikapoi]

This is from the Artists Asks List. You can just pick the ones you're interested in answering if this is too much lol.

1, 9, 12, 15, and 25

I've answered #25 over here! (= 1. Do you prefer traditional drawing, or digital?

AHHHHH this is such a good question.. I always want to say a real pencil in my hand is the way to go even after all these years doing digital art but last year I don't think I did any traditional art at all... It honestly makes me so sad that the only time I do any traditional work is during Inktober or Sketchvember.. when the months roll by I just think, "ah darnit another year goes where I only do traditional work as part of a game." Man I just think traditional is when I'm at ease and most relaxed bc I can just feel fluid if I'm drawing for fun, but with digital you can really clean things up to look really good. A part of the reason I enjoy doing the yearly holiday cards when I ACTUALLY SEND ANY is that it's a time I can do special traditional art for my friends to make them really happy. I think I'm good at digital art but am even better with traditional, but I don't think I can say that anymore if I haven't really touched a pencil in recent years. It might be the opposite now, my traditional work lacks the precision and finesse of my digital work but since I have art supplies I PAID for and HAVE TO USE I have a tendency to experiment with traditional media more. I am STILL buying loads of art supplies to this date..

9. How much time do you spend drawing on an average day?

HNGNGHGH it really depends.. Ah, average day? Hmmm when I'm on fire I might say at least 2 hours a day, whether it's to work on a quick doodle or to continue a more time-consuming piece. There are days where I might spend 4-6 hours. The craziest for me for one day might be 8 hours-- with or without breaks in between.

12. Is it okay for people to ask you about your process?

YEAH ABSOLUTELY ALWAYS it's no secret. I always did the circle/stick man base but when I really got into One Punch Man in 2012 or so when Murata-sensei was streaming, I noticed he skipped that step and went straight to defining muscles, limbs, faces, etc. I thought DANG if I could do that I could draw SO MUCH FASTER and SO MUCH MORE!! It was horrible at first and I hated a lot of my art while I was trying out this new thing but now I'd say I'm fairly decent and it does get me to do more art faster.

Anyway! My process is to start with a pose idea. The timing on this varies, but I usually thumbnail with little stick figures until something sticks. If there is one I like I might blow it up or redraw it on a larger scale. I always start with the face shape and eyes first. It helps me get a good idea on how to frame the hair. I cannot feel I am drawing the character until I get this right. I'll then detail until I color. I skip a line art step most of the time because I clean my sketches along the way ((I KNOW, RISA)). If it's a piece I'm serious about being a "best" I might seriously do a line art layer but I usually have trouble because I can never find a comfortable inking pen AND I feel line art makes my art suddenly stiff. I used to never color but I try to do it as much as I can because I have always admired my friends for their bold colors and I told myself that that's my own personal goal to have more colored work.

15. How long does an average piece take you to complete?

If it's a fairly simple/rushed drawing that is semi-refined that can take me about 2-4 hours? I can get a lot done in just 1 hour as well thanks to all those Mob Psycho 100 60 min challenges. But if I just take my time drawing something that I don't particularly hate I'd say 2 hours is a good average. For a more detailed one with backgrounds or groups or lots of detail, that could take me at least 8 hours of actually drawing. The hours spent into references/getting ideas/thinking of a background add to an illustration's turnaround time even if I am not actually moving a pen.

Thank you for your interest in me! I hope maybe I've said something interesting!

These questions are from this art meme if you want to do it too: https://hikapoi.tumblr.com/post/708522112589119488/artist-asks

[shatar-aethelwynn]

The Internet needs to get a better understanding of what it actually means to live in a multi-cultural, diverse world. There are so many things we take for granted that are rooted in cultural differences. Before hitting post on that angry or annoyed comment/ask, people should take a moment to consider that text is famously a bad format for conveying tone of voice.

We should have a reading rec list that could help people to understand what ordinarily unconscious things they do that are rooted in culture and are not actually universal. So people can go grab a book from their local library and maybe learn to be more considerate to others online, or even just at the shop. Because once you learn about a few of the little things, it becomes so much easier to ask yourself “are they really being problematic, or am I just reading this with the wrong cultural expectation and I should give them the benefit of the doubt?” For example: are they explaining something in a reasonable ‘tone of voice’ or are they “yelling” – yeah, that’s actually affected by your cultural experiences and expectations, so maybe hold off on the accusations. This is especially important for the Americans, because we're 50 countries held together with string and old wishes, and we don't actually have a single culture and yet many Americans act like their culture or expectations are universal when it's not even entirely shared by their own country.

So here’s my recommendation: “The Culture Map: Breaking Through the Invisible Boundaries of Global Business” by Erin Meyer. I’m not a business person, and never want to be, but this book was fascinating. It’s not about the major cultural things like religion or holidays, it’s about things like whether a culture prefers to focus on positive or negative feedback (did you know that’s cultural?), what is considered polite or impolite but is never explicitly stated, how productive disagreements can be addressed, how much direct confrontation is comfortable, whether reading between the lines is required or ignored. These are things that are useful to consider no matter who you are.

While I haven’t read it yet I’m looking forward to reading “Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language” by Gretchen McCulloch (not tagging because I’m shy but she’s here), because it’s a linguistic look at how the internet is affecting English and text communication. I’ve heard so many good things about it, I just need to find time.

(feel free to add a book that made you think differently in a positive way about how you interact with people you don't know)

[wetbloodworm]

reposting some meta i wrote about zenith on my dw specifically so i can reblog and add to it, b/c i like to keep things together. what’s under this cut is gonna be partly outdated b/c i’m tweaking some stuff in the reblog don’t worry about it. if you haven’t read it or plan to reread it i’d maybe recommend waiting until i reblog the additions so all the info is together. though also there’s a lot here because i got that wordy bitch disease so like kudos if you make it though any part of this at any point. okay yeah so everything after this paragraph is Older Content

first, because i haven't talked about him here aside from some outdated aside in a list somewhere, a brief rundown! zenith (pseudonym, he/they) or vol'gelmeth (true name, it/they) is an aberration from the far realm who has projected an aspect of himself into the material plane in the form of a dhampir avatar. his plan is to gather enough strength to eventually be able to manifest fully in the material plane, and also to explore and experience and learn about the material plane because he's fascinated by it. zenith presents himself to others as a human cleric of the vol'gelmeth who's totally a different being and also has an eight pack. the intent WAS for his avatar to be fully human but sometimes you're too alien a being to stuff yourself into just a normal human body, and also he eats dreams, so, dhampir. it's fine. just gives him an extra layer of things to try to hide. second, pics! newest first 

most recent design-tweaks to make him easier to draw, so this is his most up-to-date design. he looks more blond here than in other drawings but that's just shading though, his hair is white. the amulet is his Amulet of the Devout, since we were allowed two magic items to start, and it's not shown here but it has the symbol for vol'gelmeth that zenith designed himself lol

drew this when i had the realization that as a dhampir he'd have fangs even if the thing he eats isn't necessarily tangible. i toyed with a design that was ALL sharp teeth instead of just the incisors and i love that but eh. his true form has all sharp teeth so i'll get my fill there. not that anyone but haley as DM gets to see his true form yet. i've got my kid's secrets all laid out for the rest of the party i'm allowed to keep the design a secret even if no one cares but me lmao 

drawn when i decided i was going to play him for CoS 

lyrics from 'community gardens' by the scary jokes 

one of my first pics of him, i kinda miss the scruffier outfit vs the more put-together outfit he's got now but we can mix and match. it's fine. it's all flavor text. and finally... the bullet points

to explain the pronoun situation a bit better, the actual character is comfortable with he/they/it. as zenith, the dhampir avatar pretending to be human, he uses just he/they. when referring to vol'gelmeth as if they're a separate being, it/they. the reason for the difference is one part zenith trying to create differences between his two aspects to make his disguise/deception stronger, one part him picking up on how humanoids most commonly use pronouns and adding that to his disguise/deception (meaning like, it/its isn't a common pronoun for humanoids, but they DO use it/its when talking about non-humanoids), and one part him gaining more of an understanding of gender as he spends time on this plane and deciding he/him is fine

if forced at gunpoint to describe his gender, zenith would go with 'agender' or 'no' or something along those lines. i have no idea what his species is like culturally, but i do know that gender is a new concept to him. he's largely uninterested in it personally, like it's a neat enough thing to learn about but it's separate from him, y'know? he generally prefers neutral language, so they/them and it/its feel comfortable and correct, but as his avatar is seemingly AMAB he's had masc language used for him by others who assumed and he's decided that's fine, both in that it doesn't bother him and that he likes it, again, as a thing that separates Zenith from Vol'Gelmeth. so i guess it's less that he likes he/him on a personal level, it's more just part of his disguise? he hasn't had enough experience with she/her to feel comfortable with it yet so he's just avoiding that set. 

i swap his pronouns around more while talking out loud, like in-game. in writing you'll notice it's mostly he/him. that's just easier for me. it's fine. 

i talked so much more about gender than i originally intended but like [gestures at self] to be expected i guess 

from reading the WOTC lore, my understanding of how dhampir work is that they feed on aspects of humanoids but they don't necessarily need to in order to survive? they're described as having ties to the undead/vampires but not being fully there, and they have their hunger but can control or suppress it through intense willpower. which to me reads like they can eat other stuff due to being partly/technically alive but they crave whatever it is they hunger for? if they NEEDED it they couldn't control/suppress it without starving, right? if anyone has a different interpretation of the text lmk. obviously we can throw WOTC lore in the garbage as necessary and as approved by the DM but i like having the framework sometimes and dhampir are new enough to dnd that i only have so many sources to formulate opinions on. 

zenith in his true form i think like... ONLY eats dreams, or at least primarily does? maybe just primarily, the way i designed his true form he's got a mouth and teeth and all of that implies to me that he's a creature that at least CAN physically eat things, not just psychically. zenith as the humanoid avatar... i'm not sure??? i know he CAN eat other stuff and does, and i think right now i'm hesitantly going with 'needs to eat human food to maintain the humanoid body, needs to eat dreams to maintain the rest of him and get stronger'? so i'm backtracking on the 'dhampir don't NEED to feed their hunger to survive' thing for zenith specifically, not my concept of dhampir in general, since he's a weird situation being an aberration which isn't necessarily supported by the game stats, if that makes sense. 

NEW BULLET I'M CONFUSING MYSELF okay. zenith has to eat both human food and also dreams. needs human food more regularly perhaps so that the humanoid body doesn't just fucking collapse, craves dreams more intensely. i think that's what we're going with. maybe. 

i like being able to do whatever i want with the lore but i also struggle if the framework given isn't clear enough by my standards and i'm struggling here 

god looking at the dhampir stats and i forgot zenith doesn't need to breathe and also has natural spider climb. fantastic. just a normal human dude, hello fellow humans 

he also has the fanged bite ability which i'm looking forward to perhaps using some day 

zenith definitely had a ROUGH time when he first manifested on the material plane because of a combo of four things; 1) being in a new alien plane, 2) being in a new alien body, 3) being in two bodies/places at once, 4) being exhausted from whatever ritual or spell or whatever he did to accomplish the split in the first place 

some differences between the far realm and the material plane are that the far realm is composed of an infinite number of layers that shift continuously, and the air is described as syrupy thick with time and gravity being things that don't exist. far realm denizens move through the air by 'swimming' and can pass through the layers with a thought, or exist on multiple layers at a time.  the far realm is specifically described as Lovecraftian and being 'beyond sanity', and is so far outside even the outer planes that it's often not included in the standard cosmology. which is why it's also referred to as just 'Outside'. so basically it's a real fucked up alien world 

zenith, while very much an alien, is not the same degree as Unknowable and Unfathomable as other far realm denizens can be. i imagine it's a scale, and he falls significantly closer to the end that doesn't drive you crazy if you look at it. this allows him to (mostly) successfully communicate with dreamers of the material plane (though i imagine that took lots of trial and error) and gives him motivations that normal people can understand for the most part; he's driven most by curiosity and by hunger. so he's got a good head start there for successfully transferring to the material plane. he's at least not so completely divorced from reality as its known there as to make him incompatible with it. 

doesn't make the transition easy, though! for all the reasons why waking up in the plane i described a couple bullets up would be jarring for us, waking up in the material plane is jarring for him. i imagine gravity is weird to contend with suddenly, the air simultaneously heavier and thinner. less resistance and more resistance at the same time. the surroundings aren't just completely different, the way you perceive the surroundings is different with the lack of shifting layers. i'd imagine everything feels incredibly still in comparison. so there's all that and more as a thing to adjust to! 

also, new human/dhampir body! his true form is a (mostly) physical one that's very different from a humanoid but it's got a head and eyes and limbs so that's a good start, but still. new body. it's weird. 

ALSO yeah, existing in two places at once! piloting two bodies at once! that can't be easy on top of everything else, there was no way for him to practice or gauge how any of this would feel, he just fucking did it, so it'd just be.... 'disorienting' is probably putting it mildly? 

at the start of the campaign it's been uhhhhh i think we determined like 6 months or so since he manifested on the material plane. so he's had the chance to figure this out! this plane is still alien and weird to him but he can move around in it without feeling like he's having the WORST kind of bad trip anymore. the biggest thing that's still a factor is he's still got two bodies in two different planes. i imagine he has to cope with that by like... focusing 100% of everything on one body at a time. i'm thinking he like parked himself somewhere safe back home, somewhere quiet and secure where he could puppeteer his material avatar from, so he just has to settle in and focus completely on being Zenith and it's fine. 

i'd think that he can't ignore his original body all the time, so when it's safe he'll switch focus and like... stretch, move around, check things out. not for long, he doesn't want to get used to what home feels like and then have to go back to the material plane and adjust to that again, and also the humanoid body is so much smaller and squishier and more vulnerable and he doesn't like leaving it unattended 

he largely avoids switching between the two as much as he can, because it'll always be jarring and it'll always leave him vulnerable. 

one big drive for him to gather enough strength to manifest fully in the material plane is so he doesn't have to be split like this anymore. that's probably like one of the top two motivators, have access to all his power and not be in two places at once. 

i don't fully know what 'eating dreams' looks like yet. i'm sure we'll figure that out as we play but right now i don't know if it's a fully psychic thing or what? i feel like it's not as easy for him to do now that he's split vs when he could just hunt for dreamers from home with whatever psychic power he's got that lets him cross the planes to eat dreams. i don't know if he has to be within a certain physical proximity to the dreamer now that he's on the material plane, or if he has to actively touch/interact with the dreamer, or how exactly it works. i have no fucking clue. i know there's some aspect of hunting dreams down, just not 100% sure what that looks like. on the outside like some form of meditation maybe? idk!

deep speech is the native language of aberrations, and it has no script on its own but mortals use the espruar script to write it down, which implies to me that far realm denizens don't have a use for reading/writing. which means that zenith has taught himself how to read and write, probably mostly while actively on the material plane. maybe picked up a little while he was learning common via dreams but dreams aren't reliable. you ever try to read in a dream 

since he's proficient in deep speech, common, and abyssal, he can definitely read and write fluently, but i think he has the classic problem of not always knowing how things are written/pronounced if he's never heard/read it. like he'll tend to say and write things phonetically and need to be corrected. there's also just a bunch of words he hasn't encountered yet though understanding context clues helps 

his handwriting his probably atrocious 

he doesn't NEED to be able to write in deep speech, it's not a super well-used language in the material plane, but he absolutely learned how because that's his language and he wants to be able to write in it! 

before coming to the material plane, zenith LOVED talking with humanoids via their dreams! they're interesting and he likes talking to people! and then he gets to eat the dream when he's done so it's a great time for him. socialization/entertainment and food. 

i think that if someone were to pray to him zenith would be able to respond back, but i'm not sure if he can communicate through dreams while he's split like this? mostly because it feels OP to give myself that ability. the Dream spell can do that but it's a lvl 5 spell and i don't feel like i can just say Oh I Can Do That y'know lmao. that was very frustrating for him to discover, that he can't do that anymore. another reason for him to want to manifest fully in the plane, hopefully be able to manipulate dreams again instead of only eating them, he likes the manipulating part. 

zenith has absolutely no idea what the experience is on the other side of the dream-eating thing. no clue what it feels like or if it hurts or what happens at all. he'd be interested in knowing but he doesn't particularly care on an emotional level. he's pretty sure it doesn't KILL the dreamer because he's talked to people more than once before but it wouldn't stop him if it did tbh 

part of the reason i'm writing all this down is b/c i know i've been asked if zenith wants/has followers and i have absolutely no idea what my answer was because i said it out loud and didn't write it down but i'm pretty sure my answer has changed? maybe? i have no clue. any way zenith would be thrilled to have followers. i don't think he's tried taking on warlocks or anything like that, like he hasn't shared his power to be anyone's patron, but it's not something he's opposed to. not his priority at the moment but like, sounds like fun! he likes attention and seeing what people do and as long as it doesn't rob him of too much of his own power he'd be down to try! he'd be down to be someone's god. the idea of being a god sounds REAL nice, actually. he loves that. 

outside of actively being a patron, does he have followers? people that pray to him? i don't know! the idea is interesting to me! he'd be happy to chat with people though i don't know what all he'd be able to do in return outside of share any info they want about the far realm or any other realm he's learned about. i know in this split state there's even less he could do than if he was at full power. 

i think right now he's mostly focused on just exploring the material plane and gathering power to manifest in it fully, but after that.... after that, being a patron sounds like fun. being a god sounds like FUN. 

something i wrote before on a related topic; "zenith doesn't necessarily WANT to kill anyone. he'll do it if he feels he has to but that's not his goal. the likes the material plane and its denizens! they're interesting! he just wants to explore and learn and experience! and eat but don't worry about that one. and maybe gain followers but that's one's fine. it's a plane full of creatures that dream and if you play your cards right they might worship you. just gotta get stronger and put out feelers and consider giving gifts of power in exchange. power can be exchanged for worship and services. and perhaps food. he loves this plane." 

aberrations are generally considered monsters and zenith would be mildly offended at the implication though he also wouldn't fight it too hard. he preys on people for food so like he doesn't have much room to argue. but like don't be rude about it 

zenith's only introduction to the material plane before showing up on it was via dreams, so his concept of the world and its general culture was very skewed, though he figured that out quickly. he's still learning stuff and i've got a google doc with a list of facts and 'facts' he's picked up on in the campaign so far. he's now under the impression that mushrooms can talk just in general, though it's not recommended, and as far as he knows it's normal for water ordered at taverns to be murky. 

i wouldn't say that he's gullible, he just... y'know, he's an alien. and he doesn't want to tell anyone that he is so he's afraid to ask for clarification on things. so people say things with a certain confidence and he makes assumptions. or he asks for water at a tavern and he's handed a glass of water that's murky and he figures that's technically what he asked for, so, guess that happens sometimes! 

i've also got notes on the lies that he has planned for his disguise. he picked an isolated town he visited once as his fake home town and has a story about his fake family and why he might not know things that he perhaps should etc. 

i think... that's it for now... i'm sure i'll have more to talk about another time. i like this character a lot so i think about him a lot!!

[istherewifiinhell]

Tumblr users wifi's Chicken Pot Pie Recipe

Sort of anyway. due to my cooking method the following probably bridges the distance between old timey recipes where the author tells you to take a good amount of almonds and your just supposed to know what that means. and a very online much too conversational approach to instructions. fantastic

Frankly just picking a recipe and doing some freestyling on it is my method. And so my ingredients list is a general idea and if you want the explainers they are after that. and if you for some reason want my directions, which I do not recommend if you need real guidance and not just tips, those are last.

The suggested amounts may make you too much filling for an average pie crust. I do not consider this a problem.

Ingredients Filling

Chicken (or your choice) 1 Pound Onion 1 large. Sliced or diced. (adjust for how much you like onion and how long you like to cook em. caramelized will shrink) Carrot. 1 cup. Freestyle cut. I mince but maybe you cut circles Mushroom. 1 or more cups, again were adjusting for cook time shrinkage. I just cut them last and go until the pile looks right in proportion to other ingredients Potato. I'd love to give u a list of fancy potatoes, but its yukon gold all day every day here. i use one to two depending on size. Garlic. 3 cloves… Heavy scare quotes. I don't want to tell you 6 so then you do 12 okay. just. whatever you want. Ginger, while we're at it, if you like. shout out to garlic ginger paste havers Flour. just to coat the meat and veg, or you could thicken the sauce with cornstarch or other thickener. oh. oil or butter. whatever. pan grease of choice

Spice zone: (no measurements? yeah i know. see digression)

Chicken stock. You have bullion powder or cubes or a jar probably. good. me too. just add to your level of preferred salt and chicken-y goodness. or beefy or porky or veggy. Salt and pepper. you know this one. paprika. dont even. whatever you have. smoked is delicious, ive never had the hungarian stuff okay. oregano cumin turmeric. or saffron if ur rich, or bootleged ur own crocuses. leave out if you hate yellow (ur risk of staining something is probably high) chili powder (reference which paprika you used) ground coriander seed cinnamon or all-spice literally whatever you want. you want a curry pie. make that. you want piripiri pie. go for it. five spice. shichimi togarashi. whatever.

Crust

Enough for top and bottom of your pie. you can find many recipes. in general it will be something like 1 cup solid fat (butter lard shortening or margarine) 2-3 cups flour (pastry, all purpose, whole wheat. whatever. if your doing gluten free look into that) sugar and salt if you want. dried herbs if you really want cold water. a few spoonfuls you can fuck around with leavening even but ehhh

Ingredients Digression: search your heart, and your fridge

Chicken: Thigh would be my preference of course but someone has to eat all the white meat and sometimes that person is you. or maybe you have a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store. or maybe your gonna use beef or pork. thats fine. im not your boss. use meat substitute for all i care. The package we got on sale is some .950 kilos, and that clearly too much. so lets say .425 kg. Or just around 1 pound if you prefer.

Veg: Yeah I love mushrooms and I'm gonna put them in everything. Brown or white cap is common, portabello would be extra. Oyster mushroom would be delicious. Shiitake I don't like, and if you ever meet someone who would use enoki in this, have em call me I'd love to hear how that went. You dont like any of these, then don't add em. Leek, celery, peas, and corn all seem like fine choices to me. Any veg you like if it can handle the bake time. I don't ever recommend baking peppers but live ur bliss. As for measurements. I'm not actually using a cup. I just make piles on my cutting board and when i run out of room use regular eating bowls.

Spice zone: If you would like pot pie with just a bit more kick, stick to the paprika chili and cumin. If you wanna go full bananas, you could do a teaspoon of every spice you like. probably not the salt if your stock has salt tho. Keep in mind your own preferences. I don't measure. good luck. really think using spices as what they're for, which is coating and seasoning the food. it should colour the meal but if you can no longer see it you've probably gone to far. Taste and tweak as much as you like.

Pie crust and tin: use your favourite pie crust recipe. or not. or store bought is in fact fine. you just need enough for whatever tin your gonna use. A round tin is traditional and recommended. 18-25cm/7-10 in diameter range. A 4-7 cm/1-3 in deep. depending on size and shape of you hands, bigger than your hand splayed and no deeper than your finger... probably.

Directions: For the Desperate and Bored

Pie crust: Cut up solid fat. Work in flour (and other ingredients) till its all crumbley. looks like sand, breadcrumb etc. Should be a bit dry. Add cold water to bind it in a dough. Add this gradually, u do not want it sloppy style okay? You can do this with your hands, a food processor. Probably not a blender thought who knows. Maybe you put it in a couple layers of freezer bags and stomp on it. All good.

Make it to a ball, or lump shape, and put it in the fridge to firm up. Unless that would impede you ability to work the dough too much.

Rolling it out, or not? Here's the thing. You can just take the warm dough and pat it into you pie tin like graham cracker crust for cheese cakes. Just really compact it and get it up the sides of your tin. Don't say I never gave you anything.

The top crust would be more challenging to not roll out, but you could probably do the same with a greased or lined plate, leave both to chill in freezer. When time to fill, flop it on top of the filled pie, and let it warm up again to seal the pie edges.

If you roll it out. Flour your work surface. Pat the dough flat a bit, roll it out, turn the dough as you go to keep it even. Use you pie tin to check the size. Bottom crust needs to be bigger by how deep the pan is all around.

(See filling directions)

You could blind bake the bottom if you want. Stab the bottom crust with a fork a bunch to prevent bubbles. Either way. Filling goes into bottom crust. Pie lid on top of filling. Press or crimp the edges to seal it.

This is where the size of pan and amount of filling comes up. Make it as tall as you feel comfortable with/physics allow. Any left over filling can be eaten. If you did it right you, personally, will find it delicious. Also pies can take a long time and you might need the snack. Vent the lid (stab the crust. patterns welcome. left over dough can be used as decoration or as smaller pies for a fractal and recursive baking process)

Cooking Directions: Keep in mind the level of doneness you want for each veg, add to the pan in that order. Frozen peas and corn or whatever are going last if you want them in any way intact. If you want to reduce dishes use a real big pan or pot with a lot of bottom surface area My order: OIL UP THAT PAN. i want my veg saute'd not steamed okay? onions first. cook till a little less than you like. garlic and ginger (or any other seasoning paste if your using). you want aromatic not crispy. seriously if it looking ever a little too toasty take of the burner and add the next things and stir a bunch. burnt onions and garlic will ruin your whole meal carrots and mushrooms meat. if you dont want to transfer things out of the pan just push it to the side, watch out to not burn the bottom of that either, ur just moving the two different piles of stuff. you can season the meat before you cook it if you want but im not sure it matters. get to cooking the outside of the meat.. it will fully cook in the simmering sauce (If using Pre-Cooked meat add later) potato. again. cooking in the sauce sprinkle the flour on now and coat everything (i almost always forget this step so if you do thats fine. where just gonna thicken the sauce later) time to go to the spice zone. Add your liquids. Stock, or water with bouillon. some dairy product if you want. if you forgot the flour mix a little with the liquid and make a paste. and add more liquid and stir. add to pan I mean you could also do it by making a roux or bechemal. but its all really the same thing. You can simmer the sauce if you want more cooking time for your filling. (I would add pre-cooked meat and frozen peas or corn here, Stir!) Check for taste and tweak seasoning. It can be a little stronger than you like cause its going it mostly plain pastry.

BAKE IT. We're looking for good crust quality here. also additional cook time if any ingredients need more time to finish. depending on oven and pie size could be 20 mins to like. hour plus. i dunno

let rest before serving or whatever.

[marshmallowloves]

Zelda OC #4 - Tesni

>> (list of posts for other OCs)

(this has become kind of a trend - this post is very long under the cut, due to how much development went into this character. You have been warned, and I am very sorry if you accidentally click "read more" on desktop and have to scroll through it all kdjfhg)

I had Iphenia as my main Zelda OC for a long while, and replayed Skyward several times for the sake of dialogue so I could have more shipping fuel with Cawlin and meme material for Ghirahim's weird ass. Not long after, my friend lovingly introduced me to Hyrule Warriors on her WiiU. I'd never touched a Warriors game before, so this was an absolute blast to play, especially co-op. I remembered playing mostly as Midna, probably because I also had a massive crush on her at the time. Since I was coming fresh off the trails of Skyward, I also messed around with Fi and Ghirahim, who were both very fun to play as (despite people's protests that Fi was one of the weakest characters, but I had no trouble with her git gud deku scrublords). Slowly, Ghirahim became my preference for several reasons - not only was Midna was a bit tough to get the hang of, but Ghirahim's attacks were quick and powerful, Anri Katsu did a fantastic job with his voice this time around, and... oh. Oh no.

It's worth mentioning that around this time, I started realizing that I kind of had a thing for voices. Despite hearing a lot of Ghirahim's voice while playing his source game, I was too preoccupied with the fact that he was a total creep the whole time to really care for it. However, I'm sure Mr. Katsu was told to crank up the Large Ham factor to 11 for his Warriors reprise - which included the anger, the boastful laughs, and the, um... bizarrely suggestive sounds of self-preening. And that's when Marshy broke. This was the first time I had gained some form of attraction to a character I had previously mocked and tossed aside in favor of others. And I went into such hard denial about it that I created an entirely separate OC, with the intention of tossing her aside too, all for the sake of venting this weird sexual frustration (because let's face it - that's what it was). Enter Tesni.

Tesni's first iteration was very different from where she is now. In fact, I think she went through the most change of all my OCs, in terms of background, personality, and appearance.

The very first paper about her was simply a written concept, where I labeled her a "secret Zelda OC" due to my utter shame in my attraction for the Demon Lord, as well as labeled her simply as "Ghirahim's slave." Bear with me here, even though I know you're probably looking into the camera like you're on The Office.

Tesni's original purpose, first and foremost, was supposed to be a vessel, entirely separate from myself, for the purpose of exploring this weird attraction. My brain, for whatever the hell reason, figured that if Ghirahim would be into anything sexually, then his sadistic ass would favor a vessel of his own - someone to use to vent his frustrations, to play with however he liked, to relieve any stress of thhe'd want to be the master of a sex slave okay

Despite the mindless, baseless, loveless and purely indulgent nature of her creation, a small part of me wanted to add a bit of substance. I gave her a fancy name and made her a Twili - the latter of which I specifically remember doing because of a post I came across about making a good Zelda OC, which stated in one part something along the lines of "make your OC of a race that isn't very commonly used, like a Rito or a Twili!" and I was like "oh hell yeah, I love Twili!"

But at the end of the day, she was still just Ghirahim's property, as evidenced in the clothing she wears in the image above. Skimpy, yet reminiscent of the fabulous Sword Spirit. And even though this was the case, I didn't write or draw anything about it. Everything pretty much consisted of saucy daydreams and images in my brain that came and went and didn't pay rent. Nevermind the question of how in the world a character from the timeline of Skyward Sword came to possess a Twili from (presumably) thousands of years in the future.

...Except, somewhere down the line, I must have felt the need to justify this bizarre crossover. Or I started becoming more serious and less wanton about my attraction to Ghirahim. Or both. I honestly can't remember, but whatever the case, I decided to pull a small origin story (and a slight redesign) from the place where all my greatest ideas come from - my ass.

(The first drawing here is from 2015, when I first started developing this origin story. The second is from 2018, after I'd fully established the story I have now - and I also gave her outfit the sleeve from her original design~)

Now Tesni was a young girl who had become very close with Princess Midna after the latter helped Link defeat Ganon - to the point where the two Twili have an unspoken but mutual romantic affection for one another. My way of shoehorning in my less shameful crush on Midna, I suppose. Tesni turned from a blank slate into a sweet, demure, and rather airheaded ball of curiosity who loved to roam and explore the realm she called home. One day during a walk, she comes across a strange red light that pulls her in and drags her to another world, where the Demon Lord greets her and bullshits an explanation as to why he brought here there.

This explanation became more and more thought out as I continued to descend further into "ah shit I actually like this pile of trash" hell over time, but I can't exactly create an extensive or detailed timeline of development from this point on. Adding more substance to Tesni as a character and her backstory was a very gradual process, and thus it's hard for me to divide it into a step-by-step like my other posts. All I can really say is that over the course of a couple years, Tesni went through a vague process of:

blank vessel to vent sexual frustration

vessel With Some Substance™

a whole entire OC

okay I'm putting way too much time into this

self insert (for various reasons)

...as well as share the (relatively) condensed version of the story I've settled on. Just be warned that it really makes zero canonical sense, because to this day it's purely for self-indulgent purposes - that much has not changed - and I'm really not too worried about keeping true to canon. 😂 Also it's lengthy, so be warned!

The current story starts out much like before - Tesni, a close confidant and mutual crush to Princess Midna, wanders the paths of her home in the Twilight Realm, eventually being lured and captured by a strange red light into an unfamiliar world. She is greeted by a man who calls himself Ghirahim. He had performed a magic ritual, intending to summon a being with enough power to revive his master, the rightful ruler of this realm. At first glance, Tesni doesn't look like she'd fit the bill - Her timidity is palpable, and she's hesitant to speak to him. But Ghirahim is certain he performed the summoning perfectly as he always does, and doesn't wish to lose out on an opportunity to further his goals. So he does his best not to scare her away and spins a sugar-coated lie...

According to Ghirahim, his master was a glorious king who ruled the entire realm and was respected by his subjects, but was wrongfully imprisoned by jealous and self-righteous creatures who yearned for his position of power. The means that these villains used to seal him away could only be broken by a power so strong it rivals even the gods' - and Ghirahim is confident that with enough training, Tesni can help him achieve this power, so that his master can regain his rightful place as king of this world and punish those who stole his throne.

Though Tesni is hesitant, it tugs at her heartstrings to hear that this world is without its rightful ruler - especially since what Midna had to go through was so similar. She eventually agrees, and Ghirahim begins to train her while they both eagerly search for the only power that can break the seal - the Triforce. During this long stretch of time, the two grow closer, all while Midna frantically searches the Twilight Realm for her lost friend.

Somewhere down the line, Ghirahim and Tesni must separate and regroup, and the former later returns bruised and battered. He reveals that he was able to see his master for a short time, but got into a scrape during his visit - and he accidentally lets slip that it was his master that left him like this. Tesni of course questions why such a "glorious and respected" king would treat his own second-in-command in such a way. Up to this point, Tesni's cooperation has been crucial to their success in finding the Triforce. But Ghirahim not only fears this will cost him his best chance at doing so, a small part of him also fears of losing Tesni as a companion.

He takes a huge risk and comes clean about his master's true identity and nature - Demise, a ruthless and cruel demon who desires power for the sake of power, and who will do worse than just renounce Ghirahim as his right-hand man (or rather, tool) if the latter fails in his task to revive him. Thus, Ghirahim had no choice but to string Tesni along, though he feels guilty for it after having come to know her as a person.

She's understandably hurt at the prospect of being used by him, and it makes her question what else he's lied about - namely, Ghirahim's own care for Tesni that he's supposedly grown to have. But, true to her nature, her care for him is still very much real, and it pains her more to see that he's being treated in this way. So she suggests that they keep searching for the Triforce, but for a different purpose - to create a new, separate realm in which Demise can reside and have an endless bounty of power and slaughter at his disposal, without actually affecting anyone.

Since Ghirahim was literally created to serve Demise, he has an inherent and incessant need to please him, but he also has a degree of autonomy (shown in game by the fact that he's not stuck in the seal with Demise, he makes his own decisions and crafts his own plans to revive him, etc) - and in this instance, Ghirahim makes the decision to protect both himself and Tesni while still fulfilling his master's wish.

At some point (which is to say that I... haven't actually thought this part all the way through kjdfg), Midna finds the portal that Tesni had gone through, and searches for her in this realm as well...

And that's the end of the story I had written. Yeah, no, really. I completely blanked at this point. I always vaguely imagined that when Midna found the two of them, she and Ghirahim would fight but be stopped by Tesni somehow and things would be fine. I wanted to ship the three of them together - or rather, I wanted to ship Tesni with both Ghirahim and Midna, and have the latter two just kind of tolerate each other for the sake of their shared love interest. But I never knew how to go about writing that, so that's where it just kind of... drops off. XD

Perhaps Midna finally finds Tesni and Ghirahim just when they have the Triforce within their reach, and after learning of what happened, they both agree to let Tesni make her wish, which lets Demise get his own realm and lets Tesni be with the two people she's come to love most. It'd be a total BS explanation, but hey! That's kind of what this whole AU is about.

In the end, Tesni (as well as her ship with Ghirahim and Midna) was never about making a decent Zelda OC to one-up the old ones. She started with self-indulgence, and ended with self-indulgence. At this point, I've devoted so much time into this character and ship, not to mention that it got me through some less-than-good times during my school days, that it's become too precious to me to change much, and honestly that's perfectly fine with me.

Tesni, I think, is a reminder that not every character you make has to be "good" or "believable." Sometimes you just want to have a little gal be in love with her tall girlfriend and taller evil boyfriend, and it costs zero dollars and zero cents and is not illegal to do. ❤️

[tekutiger]

Chai Espresso [1.5 Liter] - Teku's Style

I've been working on this recipe for a couple of months, trying to perfect it to my personal preference and thought I'd share it. I know it wont be everyone's cup of tea (hehe get it?), but perhaps someone else out there will like it. This is a strong Chai Espresso. No light flavors here.

It started when I bought this Pumpkin Spice Latte drink from Starbucks and I got my first introduction to Espresso. I was like wait- this tastes like coffee, but stronger and has more depth. I'm actually not a coffee person, but I realized then that I was an espresso person. I'm also very much a cinnamon person and that carries over to all things Chai and Pumpkin Spice. So here I am combining Chai and Espresso.

We aren't going to do this the lazy or easy route however, we're going to do this the legit route. You can find some shortcuts doing this yourself and I'll offer examples of things you can substitute in and out, but I'll be showing you how I do it and the things I use.

This recipe is also going based off the fact that you have an Espresso Machine that can make 2-4 shots of espresso at a time. You can also make the chai and drink it by itself, just do not add the espresso!

That being said, here's some items you'll see me use, and potentially items you may need. Keep in mind you do not need the exact same brands. Just because I have McCormick cinnamon sticks, doesn't mean you need to have McCormick cinnamon sticks. Infact I just ordered more cinnamon sticks from Spicy World (they appear to be a different type of Cinnamon - Saigon, where McCormick is Cassia). Buy and use what you prefer to use.

Three of the things not shown here that will also be used, is ginger, milk and a pitcher that can hold 1.5 liters. If you're looking for a recipe list:

7 Cups Water (goes into the pot)

16 Cardamom Pods

12 Black Peppercorns

9 Cloves

8 Slices/Coins of Ginger

5 Sticks of Cassia Cinnamon (McCormick for example), 4 Stick of Saigon Cinnamon (Spicy World for example)

1 1/2 tbsp Assam Tea (can substitute out for packets of tea or other favorite loose tea)

2 to 2 1/2 tbsp Milk (adjust to personal preference)

5 tsp Stevia (or substitute out for sweetener of choice, may need to adjust measurement)

3 1/2 to 4 shots Espresso (made via machine and add by preference)

4 Star Anise (optional, I don't add this)

Everything in this recipe is adjustable to personal taste. I put some explanations in parenthesis already but I'll add more in-depth explanations as I go further down the post. I just know people (myself included) like short and simple recipe lists.

If you want to add star anise, I'd say probably add 4 for this recipe and work your way up or down on preference. I personally do not like it so I didn't bother with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Step 1. Throwing everything into your pot and putting it onto the stove to boil.

This is rather simple actually. To start, add 7 cups of water to a medium sized pot.

We're just going to grab our handy pestle and mortar with our 16 Cardamom pods and give them a gentle pound to open them up.

We're also going to slice up our fresh ginger until we have 8 coins/slices. I find this to be the easiest and quickest way to use ginger. I mean, yeah we can dice it up, or we can cut a piece off and crush it, but it takes so much more time and then we have more things to clean. Trust me, this is easier and we still get all the flavors.

Next we're going to simply grab 12 peppercorns and 9 cloves and plop them into the pot, along with 4 or 5 cinnamon sticks- depending on if they are Cassia or Saigon (and optional star anise). Cassia and Saigon have different flavor profiles and strengths, so there is a reason why we are adding more or less of these.

I set this to my next to highest heat, which is 8 or 9, until it comes to a rolling boil. When it reaches that point, I set it to a medium point, around a 4-5 for about 20 minutes or so.

This does actually take a bit, but you want the spices to release and infuse the water, and for the water to get a nice rich brown color. You'll notice the cinnamon sticks open up, the cardamom pods get poofy, and it'll very much already smell like chai.

2. In the meantime, get your Espresso going. It's as simple as that. My machine will vary from yours so I cannot instruct you here. But prepare 3 1/2 to 4 shots of Espresso of your favorite blend to pair with this chai. When it's finished, set it aside. You can potentially get this done in the time your chai is doing its thing in the background.

3. Back to the Chai

So your cinnamon sticks are opened up, cardamom pods are poofy, your pot of chai actually smells like chai.

It's at this point that I turn down my stovetop even further to around 3, and I add my 1 1/2 tbsp of Assam tea (or other favorite loose tea, or 3 packets of tea).

It only takes about a minute (or two) of letting the tea sit in the pot when I take it off the heat. Letting tea seep too long can make it bitter, so I try not to leave it too long. I know there are some debates that this isn't the case with herbal tea and black tea but I beg to differ with black tea 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Basically when the leaves "open up" or no longer look shriveled as they do in the bag, that's when I take it off the heat. It'll continue to 'cook' in its residual heat even after I remove it off the burner anyways.

This is where we add about 2 to 2 1/2 tbsp of milk. I usually eyeball this but I measured it out for this recipe. You can add more or less depending on your preference, but you're aiming for a caramel color with your chai. As for your milk, I personally use 2% lactose-free milk because its what I was raised on and what I'm used to, but traditionally for chai, whole milk is best. Choose what you prefer.

Remember that small strainer tool from the first picture? We get to fetch that for this next part. We also get to fetch our Espresso from Step 2 and our 1.5 Liter Pitcher.

My pitcher is a little extra, in that it is dishwasher safe and can withstand hot fluids. I don't have to wait for my Espresso or Chai to cool down before pouring them into the container. If yours is not capable of this, you may have to wait until your fluids cool down, which could take a while. Please be cautious and double check any container you intend to use for this before hand, as it may warp or melt.

I always first pour in my Espresso into the pitcher, followed by adding in the 5 tsp of Stevia and mixing well. If you're using a different sweetener, or pure sugar, you may have to adjust the amount of sweetener used as I've never used another type of sweetener.

Next is something you can opt to do or not, it's just a convenience thing. I take a pair of metal tongs and fish out the cinnamon sticks before straining (toss them away in a compost bin or however you choose to dispose of them). I find they like to jump forward at you during the straining process and this makes it a little less messy in the long run.

Take your strainer and strain the pot of chai into your Pitcher. Give it a stir with a paddle or spoon durable of the heat, and you're finished! Viola, Pitcher of Espresso Chai!

Exactly 1.5 liters.

Step 4. All that's left is to drink some in your favorite mug.

(mug is from OctoNation 🐙💓) And no, nothing in this post is an Ad. Everything is just stuff I love a lot.

If you have comments or tips to share, feel free to drop them!

❘✧༻༺༻༺‿︵‿༻༺✧*̥˚‿︵‿ °∘❉∘°‿︵‿*̥˚✧༻༺‿︵‿༻༺༻༺✧❘