#so yes im autistic but no im not

[boyingray]

i like how im autistic but don't present all the traits for a diagnosis so instead i have a learning disability that also isn't formally diagnosable because it's not in the dsm or the icd

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

[riverrunscold]

Death Note plot really is just an autistic person who's constantly masking vs an autistic person who has never masked in his life

also ryuk's there

[ping-ski]

guilty of being a robokisser

[sugared-violets]

holy shit please listen to Sherlock & Co i'm fucking wheezing

W: "you built... a hugging machine?"

H: "yes, the deep pressure is quite to my tastes... self-regulation, you see"

W: "i mean... i can just give you a hug. if you want."

H: "you can? excellent."

W: "well... come here, then"

😭😭😭

[hotluncheddie]

omg it's been said before but your autistic Steve series is so good so life affirming so precious to me..... and so I would like to share my own thoughts on the matter...... Steve who did sports bc he had so much excess energy!! and now he gets the zoomies all the time and needs NEEDS to get outside and run around when the weather is nice...... Steve who thinks he's unforgivably strange and unlovable without his perfectly crafted mask and Robin who says she likes him better without it!!!!.... Steve hyperfixations (feat Steve who reads and frequents the library my beloved, he's so casually curious it just makes sense with his characterization I think)...... Steve full body stimming with Eddie or Robin and feeling amazing!!!!!...... Steve who has set up his space Exactly The Way He Likes It.....

love and light to you ♥️💋🥞🏄🏻

lovely 2jug2head!!! hello!!! ur so sweet!!!

but autistic steve!!! my love!! my guy!!! yesssss!!!! these are all so good! so sweet and lovely and perfect!!! ty for sending me this!!!

(sorry this reply took a little to get too, i've been on my freak shit but finally got few ideas down for u <3)

i think steve would take time learning what stimming and being overstimulated and understimulated means. i think after the upside-down especially, but a lot before that too, he got too used to detaching, kind of separating from his body in order to survive. so now, sometimes, he gets these itches and urges and weird feelings and he just doesn’t know what to do about it. [and i think sport definitely helped him in the past, but i dunno if he would make that connection right away.]

but, he watches robin flap her arms with her sweater sleeves covering her hands. and watches eddie get fucking breathless head banging to a song. he sees robin skip to his car at the end of a shift, looking up at the sky and letting out a 'AHH!' with so so much feeling, cheeks flushed and eyes bright that the day is done, getting in and fiddling with the radio like it’s no big deal. he watches eddie jiggle his leg and bite his rings and stand up and pace when he's talking about something he loves. and steve tries them.

he tries all of them.

he fists his hands and shakes them until something dislodges in his chest, till he can finally take a full breath. he sings loudly along to bruce springsteen and wham in his car in the mornings, sometimes not ever really singing, just making noise. he jumps around his room with robin when she plays blondie, he asks eddie to show him how to head bang, tries it and laughs and kisses him breathless when the song ends. he gives robin his keys and takes off running in a lap around the building after work, sometimes near sprinting, sometimes circling five, six times, going till he's panting and the faces of all the people he had to see that day are washed away, until he can't feel the plastic on his fingers, can't smell the bleach or the too much cologne some guy used. until he's reset, until he's him again, not theirs, not who anyone wants him to be. until he feels good again, lets himself feel good.

sometimes, now, he jiggles his leg the same way eddie does, at the same time, until robin says she has to move 'feel fuckin' seasick over here with you two goblins.' and eddie just laughs. and steve can curl up into his side, if he wants, can pick up eddies hand and bite his rings if he feels like it, eddie would let him, maybe call him cute, wouldn't judge him. neither of them would, if he did that, if he did more. they would never, and its so nice.

<3

["Steve who thinks he's unforgivably strange and unlovable without his perfectly crafted mask" ;-; that's my fcuking GUY. he would and its so :(( !!!! ]

but yeah, robin would hate that fake plastic smile he puts on to mask sometimes. and she'd tell him, with so much love. 'stop it. show me you.' because she just wants to be with steve.

but she’s so wonderful, he just, she gets it. sometimes things that he didn’t even know were bothering him will build and he’ll snap and rant and moan to finally get it all out. lungs heaving as he empties everything out before her. but she’ll just look at it, and seem to place it all in a way that makes sense, a way that’s small and fits in his pocket. she’ll say ‘woah yeah, that seems like a lot / would be stressful / i’m not surprised you're overwhelmed’ and it’s just. it’s so simple. he’s seen, he’s listened too and validated. it still makes him pause, in stunned silence, and it’s like there’s a plaster placed on his heart with every instance that it happens. sometimes it seems to strike such a chord it's like it's hitting a deep wound that he buried inside, a scab finally healing and falling away. sometimes it makes him sob in her arms, overwhelmed and amazed and so so moved by this person he's met, this wonderful angelic creature that he gets to call his.

the next time he has his super masked, customer service face on when its just the two of them, she threatens to bite him. and steve smiles for real, laughs, feels another plaster sticking over the others.

<3

and steve library frequenter yes yes!! i agree that he is curious and practical and i think a hands on kind of guy! so i think he goes to the library and gets books about cars. i think he likes learning about how to fix his, trying to understand what could go wrong, how it happens, what you do in different scenarios. i think that's something him and eddie and wayne bond over, helping to fix their cars. steve and eddie even work together to do up wayne's van a little, getting it a new bumper and a couple parts scavenged at the junkyard. it's fun for him to work out what's missing, what’s changed, how and why and then putting it into practice. taking something apart and putting it back together. makes him feel proud of himself, something he really doesn't feel often. makes his brain zone in and flow and focus for a couple hours and it just feels so nice, its a happy time for him.

also, speaking of special interests - ✨sport stats✨. steve can name the players of all the basketball teams currently playing professionally, likes watching the tactics shows that come on before and after the games. likes talking at eddie and explaining why its actually really cool that they swapped out that player to give this new guy a chance, he's big news, a young up and comer and has a really interesting play style, its gonna work well with how their current manger organises the court. and eddie just smiles at him, squeezing steves hand in his lap and trying to understand what he sees on screen, follow along (he struggles to take in all the information, it's just not his thing. but it makes him so happy when he watches steve watch.) and steves happy little keens when something interesting happens, mindlessly fiddling with eddie’s fingers and tapping his other hands fingers against his knee, 1, 2, 3, 2, 4, 2. relaxed and focused and sometimes he rocks when it gets really tense and eddies heart bursts.

because it wasn't always like that, it was a struggle and a near pleading for eddie to just get steve to tell him what he likes, talk to him, get to know him. to just let eddie in. because eddie wanted to know everything and steve just didn't know how to deal with that. why would eddie care? no one ever listens to him. he's embarrassing and annoying and gets to loud and eddie doesn't like sports so why would steve tell him anything? it took soft words and gentle encouragement and reassurance again and again that he's listening, he wants to listen, wants to know. 'always, always wanna listen to what you have to say stevie.' so when steve comes over to the trailer after work, talking about the latest switch they announced in the paper, how last nights points shifted the league around and now he doesn't even know who's going to win, isn't that cool? eddie fucking beams because this is his boy. his bright, beautiful, exited baby and he’s talking to eddie, he's letting eddie see him.

<3

steve and his space though. thinking very much about that. he doesn’t have the strictest schedule, he’s learning that sometimes its okay to leave the sheets for another couple days, that the dust can settle for another week before he needs to wipe it away. but some things are just, they just have to be right. he needs to know where things are, needs the important stuff in the same place every day so he doesn't forget. needs his products in the bathroom out and in order so he can keep track of when something needs replacing, so he's not left without something he needs. wants this one specific pillow at night, and one for between his knees and a duvet on year round, needs it to feel warm and safe and right in his bed.

and his clothes, its not even about the sensory stuff for him, like yeah most of his tops are soft, his jeans pretty worn in. he has some really old sweatshirts that are special, that come out on the worst days. but it's also about how clothes look, how they make him feel. he want his jeans to fit right, sit right on his shoes. wants his shirts to make his shoulders look nice, make him feel comfortable and confident and like a normal fucking person who can exist in the world. its another part of the mask, maybe. but it works and its his and most of the time he thinks he looks good. and that's okay. he's learning and its healthy and its practical and it helps.

but he also adores wearing eddies t-shirts. when he's at home all day or to sleep at night. especially if eddies not there, when steve misses him, when he wants him. steve wears eddies t-shirts to bed. they're all ones eddies left after staying, they're old and soft and the tags have been cut out and they smell like eddie. like his eddie. like he's there. steve loves it, wraps himself up in it, helps him feel soothed and taken care of even if he's alone, maybe its a little sad, makes him feel embarrassed, too much. but he's learning not to care.

sometimes eddie talks to him and touches him in a certain special way that makes steve feel so so foggy and taken care of and amazing. so, if eddie's not there but he craves that foggy feeling, steve wears eddies t-shirts and he speaks to himself like eddie would and he makes himself dinner and looks after himself and tucks himself into bed and rubs the fabric of the collar against his nose. and tries not to feel embarrassed if he needs more, if he has to suck on his fingers/thumb for a while, clutching the fabric in his hand. tries to let himself whimper or even cry a little if he needs, at how nice it feels, how gooey and needy he can allow himself to get. accept it as part of himself, that eddie likes it, still likes him, still loves him. just something he needs sometimes. and steve falls asleep, wearing eddies t-shirt.

<3

gonna tag a few people who might want to see, hope that's okay? wanna spread him around and show him off!! look at him!!! our best guy!!!

@pearynice @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx @spectrum-spectre @just-a-tiny-void @steventhusiast @cherrychapsticksteve @lil-gremlin-things @finntheehumaneater @irethsune

[scribblue]

HE HAS RISEN BABYGIRL!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOOO YEAHH BABY THATS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT !!!!!!!!!

Am i several years late to the party? Yes. Is that gonna stop me from celebrating? No.

RIPPING UP THE FLOORBOARDS

[starfish-spencer]

I'm really disappointed that the Lassie and Jules subplot in Gus's Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy ended with Jules just... uninviting Lassie to her family Christmas celebrations because he was too awkward and anti-social.

Like, the entire point of her inviting him in the first place was so that he wouldn't be lonely on Christmas, and then HE ENDS UP ALONE ON CHRISTMAS ANYWAY?? When he couldn't socialize the way he was expected to (autism), Jules's first reaction was to not let him come over again.

The important thing here is that it's not even Christmas yet! The first time I saw the episode, I was waiting for something else to happen, for Jules to come up with a solution, but this scene here is just the end of the subplot. She lets him believe that he was "too cool" and that she was feeling jealous, which is still kind of uncomfortable. It also doesn't solve the problem of Lassie not having friends or family to spend the holidays with.

The thing that bugs me the most is that this seems so out of character for Jules. You're telling me that Juliet "gives cupcakes to all the new employees" O'Hara WOULDN'T care if Lassiter was left out? I just know that she would be doing EVERYTHING she could to make him stay and feel comfortable. She put so much effort into his birthday party, she remembered their work-iversary, I can't imagine she would be so embarrassed by him that she would give up on trying to make him feel included. If any of the other O'Haras made a comment or sly remark about his mannerisms, Juliet would shut them down with one stare.

I would have liked it if they had come up with another solution instead of just booting him (Like maybe Jules's nephews are playing with those little green army men toys and Lassie sits on the floor with them and helps them set up historically accurate battles. And they actually find it really cool).

Anyway, I just wanted to see Lassie getting adopted into the O'Hara family and not being alone during the holidays, since he's kind of like Juliet's brother anyway. Maybe the O'Hara family sits down to open presents and Lassie just stands off in the corner because obviously no one got him anything, right? But then Jules hands him a gift, and it is something perfect for him like a Clint Eastwood poster or the Grease soundtrack on vinyl. And he gives her a big hug while holding back tears. And it would still be a while before he meets Marlowe anyway, so maybe for the next few years, he goes over to the O'Haras for the holidays.

This subplot could have been so sweet and heartwarming, and there was a lot of missed potential. I'm not angry, but I think it was a strange writing choice. I know my girl Jules is better than this! :)

[asthedeathoflight]

Look all im saying is i think autistic people should be allowed to be a little evil. As a treat.

[yea-baiyi]

people on twitter are discoursing about whether xie lian’s chastity-based cultivation is a form of abuse (?????) which is so backward to me like huh???? yes jun wu’s thing about xie lian being a virgin is fucking creepy and weird and part of his overall obsession and desire to control him. but did they just completely miss the part where xie lian chose this method of cultivation bc the abstinence wasn’t an issue for him? he got hit by sex pollen and never once thought of sex? he didn’t even cultivate for 700 years and just never had sex because he never wanted to and as soon as he found a guy he wanted to fuck he just went for it? literally didn’t even pause to consider the cultivation thing at any point. if this were any other character it might have been used against him but the whole point is xie lian once again perfectly dodging jun wu’s manipulation attacks by just being a weird little guy with autism

[rainbowresurrection]

Kinda got a love/hate relationship with the history of K/S because it's like. Can I please have a queer discussion about this 1960s television show without it being reduced to "shipper discourse". I thought Spock and Kirk were homo long before I knew that their characters spawned a fanfiction counterculture. The bisexual dude who wrote the episode that really kick-started the movement didn't know it was going to coalesce into the fan phenomenon that it did, he was just writing what he knew how to write best: the repression of burning male desire, and two dudes doing homoerotic shit. Can I just talk about the repressed burning male desire please, and the implications of a gay angle to Kirk and Spock's story, without it being referred to as shipper discourse. Can I do that. Does this make sense

[bugbugboy]

Being upset about a show I really like with the tism is really hard bc I'm so upset about so many things but I can't tell you what they are but just know I'm really upset about it

[not-kayvalencourt]

A recent post in the mumbo jumbo tag has me thinking abt my old dsmp x hermitcraft au from like. 2-3 years ago so here's some 4am rambles abt it!!! Reminder that it's c! not cc! yada yada you get it

Grian being Tommy is a given. Like they're an inch away from being the same person. It's so obvious. Grian is a generally very confident guy, though it's mostly a façade and he's pretty easily broken if you do/say the right things.

Mumbo fits pretty easily into Wilbur's role - not for any real reason, but I also fully believe Mumbo has the capability to go from definitely not a drug van to blowing up said drug van in the name of "captain goes down with his ship" because if he can't have it no one can

To continue with sbi I kind of struggled on who would be Techno, but then. Doc. Because who else??? I fully believe Doc would find some way to automate netherrite mining to make enough gear for an army (however small it may be.) Also the image of him kind of being brothers with Mumbo and Grian is so funny. Doc would 100% support Mumbo going on a villain arc and would also summon a wither while waxing poetic about heroes and villains and how everyone but him is kinda the bad guy because. That's kinda what he already does??

Scar. Scar is hard because I really like the image of him being Schlatt as a reference to s7, but I think he works better as Tubbo. Scar is underestimated imo, and I think Tubbo's whole arc meshes really well with Scar as a character. Also the tragedy in the "who am I without you?" "yourself." Really fits Grian and Scar??

I still haven't figured out Ranboo so. If anyone has any suggestions please lmk.

For Phil I think Xisuma really helps round out sbi. Again not for any real reason - out of everyone I've mentioned so far, I know the least about Xisuma - but I am feral for the very familial bond he and Mumbo seem to have and. Well.

I really like Cub as Quackity. It started when Scar was originally Schlatt as a reference to Convex, but I can totally see Cub in Quackity's casino arc. Otherwise I don't know a lot about him so if anyone has a better idea lmk!!

Pearl is Niki. Given the life series, I can totally see Pearl getting super attached to L'manburg, then feeling utterly betrayed by it and burning down the tree but she secretly never stopped caring about it. She's already lost her life for that country, and she's willing to die for it again, even if that country died alongside her in that control room. Unfortunately I still don't have anyone for Eret/Jack :(

Getting a little off topic, I think Ren would make a good Sam. I believe wholeheartedly that whatever lore Ren has going on that he would do a story where he literally is just Sam. Ren is another character I don't know too much about so again if there's any other suggestions. You get it.

I think that's everything I have so far tbh. I've been pacing in circles trying to figure out who would be Dream and I think figuring him out would help the whole rest of the au but. Yeah. Again suggestions are very much appreciated because this was originally a crack au when I first got into hermitcraft right after my dsmp hyperfixation lol

[ur-mentallyill-wench]

Ok but in geothermal escapism when Troy said they no one understood Abed, that he tried but no one really understands him is way to real. I love my friends and I’m sure most of them would do anything for me but they don’t understand be. They understand parts of me and I love them for that but I think if I disappeared one day no one would notice where to find me and tbh I’m to sure how much of an effort they’d make to look

[lokittystuckinatree]

I’m at the end of David’s run as Ten, and just coming to realize how much the Doctor makes me feel seen and spoken to and accepted and why. It’s not just that the 10th Doctor, for example, is one of the only times I’ve seen someone as intense and excitable and vibrantly chaotic as myself in media, it’s that the way they express themself is often not perceived as obnoxious or distasteful or embarrassing or “too much”, but rather captivating and endearing and adorkable and wonderous

And that means so damn much to me