#so.... the experience of having someone ask me about my pain. listen. believe me. and start talking about what we can try to ameliorate it

[milkweedman]

I had another pain management setup appointment this morning, this time with a physical therapist, and she was asking me about my flare ups and everything and i came to the realizations that 1) theres always a bit of a leadup to the flare, where i'll have a couple days where i feel like shit and my joints feel hot and weak but its also nowhere near the pain levels of an actual flare up. And 2) i am in fact in a pre-flare up right now :/

All this to say that im warping another belt but im not trying backstrap again right now because i can already tell im going to feel like death tomorrow

[rs-hawk]

I'd love to see more yeti or Bigfoot dragging their mate off to their cave in the woods

They're just slightly smart enough to communicate with gestures but not enough to understand why you'd want to leave

Y’all fr making me lose my mind with this asks. Love it

You decided to go hiking with a group of coworkers. It’s supposed to be a team building experience, but you don’t care about that. You’re just glad that you’ll get paid to be outside. It’s better than being trapped inside all day, listening to people you don’t care about complain about things you also don’t care about.

You started to get a bit ahead, nor caring about the gossip and taunting that your other coworkers are exchanging. Your one work friend pulled out last minute, making you wish you’d stayed home today. That feeling wouldn’t last for too long though.

As you followed the path, you lost sight of the group behind you when you looked back. While you felt relieved by that, you also wondered if that would mean you wouldn’t get paid since technically you weren’t apart of any of the “team building” and “morale strengthening” going on behind you. You pushed that thought from your mind and decided to keep going on. They were lucky you came at all. Surely no one would be so petty as to not pay you because you got excited and got a little ahead.

When you heard a branch breaking just off the path, you didn’t think too much of it. Someone probably just was catching up to you. However, when you heard thumping on the trees, a shiver went down your spine. You remembered your Dad telling you about Big Foot and how he always made himself known by banging on trees, and that horrid smell. Luckily you didn’t smell anything, so you pressed forward.

Again, you heard the branch breaking. This time you froze, looking towards the sound of the breaking branch. Just as soon as you saw the flash of brown fur, you were scooped up by it. A scream ripped from your throat as you were carried away from the trail faster than you could comprehend.

You were taken to a cave, where the creature set you on a bed of moss and leaves. It was soft at least. The creature that loomed over you was a stereotypical Big Foot, making your heart leap into your throat. He gestured for you to lay down, but you shook your head.

He frowned, gesturing again. You shook your head. “What? No. I need to leave.”

You pointed to the opening of the cave, but this time, the creature shook his head. He lightly pushed you onto your back, burying his furry face into the crock of your neck. The feeling of his tongue, lips and teeth on your neck drew out an involuntary moan from your lips. He took that as a sign of invitation, moving his large, furry hands down your body.

You jerked away, moving slightly closer to the mouth of the cave. He drew you back to him, now pinning you under him. His huge cock was already leaking precum, which he smeared against your jeans as he grinded against you. You couldn’t believe how soaking wet this thing was making you.

He tried to pull off your jeans, but was clearly confused and agitated. After a moment, you decided that this wasn’t real. It was just a dream, right? Big Foot isn’t real. What could it hurt to have a little fun?

You slipped off your jeans, and he groaned, back to grinding his leaking cock against you. The tip of his cock pushed your panties into you, obviously not understanding the barrier at first. Just as you’re about to pull them off, instead, he ripped them off. Within a second, he slammed his giant cock inside of you. That mix of pain and pleasure made you realize that this wasn’t a dream. It was real. But you were too cock drunk to care at this point.

The furry creature abused your poor dripping cunt merciless. He bit and nipped at your neck, leaving deep bruises all over your neck and throat. His fat cock stretched you out with every thrust, the tip of his cock hitting your cervix repeatedly. You knew that if he was to cum in you that there was no way that you wouldn’t get pregnant. It was basically in your womb with every thrust. Again though, you couldn’t bring yourself to care too much.

Big Foot groaned and grunted, sounding animalistic and feral as he used your poor human cunt. He flipped you over, shoving your face into the moss so he could reach deeper into you. This drew tears from you as you gripped the moss. Tears ran down your face as your eyes rolled back into your head. Your cunt was wrapped around him, drawing him in deeper. You wanted to beg for him to keep going just like that because you were so close, but you couldn’t get any words out. Instead you just moaned and whined, pushing back against him.

Finally, as you felt him pulsing inside of him, so close to cumming, you clenched down around him. Your orgasm finally flowed, making you choke out a sob into the moss. Your mind was fuzzy. Your cunt was throbbing excitedly. He moaned loudly at the feeling of you clenched around him, and that was all it took for him to release inside of you.

His cum filled you up, extending your stomach, rounding it out. It gave you a precursor to what your stomach would soon look like, round with his child.

[sunkissedchld]

𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃

𝒍𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒍𝒍 𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒏 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒

the piles go from left to right. therefore, pile one has the silver airpods, pile two is the pink cord phone, and so on and so forth.

take your time to use your intuition to choose the pile that will best resonate with you. lastly, please don't be afraid to say if the message resonated or not; it helps me in determining if my interpretations are correct or not, and i appreciate any sort of feedback - even if it's "bad".

this PAC is a collab with @icanseethefuture333, so be sure to check out their post also!

good luck to you, reader 🌷

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈

Signs:

"i don't forgive you", harboring anger towards someone, heavy fire (aries, leo, sagittarius) in birth chart, red, passion, danger, hera, broken marriages/family, non-committal, metatron, spiritual power, turtles, tigers, turkeys. broken headphones, "you're not listening"

Shufflemancy:

"Montero (Call Me By Your Name)" by Lil Nas X

"Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen

"Blow Us All Away" from Hamilton the Musical

"Intro" by J. Cole

"Angels We Have Heard on High" by Pentatonix

"Sorry, I Love You" by Stray Kids

Cards:

Four of Cups, Knight of Cups (Rx), Six of Swords (Rx), Two of Wands, Five of Wands, Seven of Coins, The Fool (Rx), Turtle (Rx), Tiger, Turkey

Reading:

For those who chose pile one, one lesson you will encounter will be in regards to you seemingly sitting on the sidelines in life. At one point, you may feel disconnected and apathetic about life; you may think, "what's the point of doing what I'm doing if I'm not seeing any results for it." There will be times when people will try to help you enjoy life more instead of being moody and unhappy with what you're doing, but J. Cole says it best when he asks, "do you wanna be happy?". Someone might literally ask you that (or people have done so in the past), and you often say "no" without saying no by not taking action to be happy. 

Those who chose this pile may have a lot of unresolved emotional baggage they refuse to acknowledge, but your lesson will be in recognizing that baggage and unloading it. You may have been resisting a transition period in your life for as long as possible, and in 2024 that won't be allowed anymore. Saying "no" to happiness will not be an option; you will be thrown into tackling your anger, former traumas, apathy about life, etc. head on. The only real thing you can decide at this point is whether or not you're going to plan for it now that you know it's coming or allow life to take you through it however ough that may be. 

You will be pushed to be competitive about what it is you want. There may be a lot of conflict, and you may even feel jealous of others at one point; you may think, "why is it that my growth and transition is so much harder compared to everyone else's?". There may even be a point during the year where you feel as if you're guides or the universe or whoever/whatever you believe in isn't listening to you, but the truth is everyone experiences growing pains, and you have to figure out how to persevere and get over your fears the same way everyone else does. As stated before, refusing to grow and transition is not an option, but your attitude as you experience it is a choice you make; you can make it easier or harder on yourself by having an open mind. 

This year, you will be going from being a turtle to a tiger. You will no longer be allowed to take your time in regards to things in your life that are keeping you from growing into someone who is healthier and happier: mentally, physically, emotionally, and everywhere else. You will be stepping into your own power and your attitude will determine if you step into it gracefully or not. Overall, your lesson will be in learning how to free yourself from your own chains.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈

Signs:

"be free", the sun, heavy fixed sign energy, ceres, gemini, pluto, neptune, feeling disconnected from venus placement, having trouble speaking, 111, manifestations, "coming in", "i'm walking", "be realistic", mercedes, goose/geese

Shufflemancy:

“Love Like Woe” by The Ready Set

“One Step At a Time” by Jordin Sparks

“Are You That Somebody” by Aaliyah

“This World” by Ateez

“Can You Stand the Rain” by New Edition

“What Comes Next?” from Hamilton the Musical

Cards:

Eight of Coins (Rx), King of Swords (Rx), Five of Wands (Rx), The Hanged Man, King of Coins, Seven of Coins, The Sun, Fixed, Ceres, Sagittarius (Rx), 111, Mercury (Rx), Venus (Rx), Neptune, Pluto

Reading:

If you chose this pile, your lesson for the year deals with your self-worth and self-determination. “One Step At a Time” by Jordin Sparks seems to fit your energy best for this next year. It seems some of this energy may be lingering from last year also, but during 2024 you may feel as if you’re doing a lot of work but receiving no benefits from it. Eventually, this lack of success and recognition could wear on you, and you could wonder if what all you’re doing is even worth it. With your work, it could seem as if you do so much, but it’s just not quite enough to other people - even if you’re trying your absolute hardest. You could end up feeling unappreciated and as if you’re not advancing anywhere. 

It seems someone could be turning people away from you. For some people, this is a literal person who you may get along with, but you don’t really confront them when it comes to what they’re doing. For others of you, this is the universe purposefully blocking things from you because you’re trying to speed up the time you get certain things, and it’s telling you, “this isn’t how that works”. Regardless, there is someone or something in a higher position keeping you from reaching the success you think you deserve. This conflict will frustrate you throughout the year, and it could prove difficult for you to deal with. 

With the Hanged Man and Five of Wands (Rx), you’re being asked to compromise and re-think why you think you deserve recognition or success in a certain way. Is your reasoning valid or in good faith? Is your way really the only way you can gain what it is you’re wanting? Is what you’re wanting the best for you? I’m reminded of the meme (I guess is what it is) where a little girl is holding a small teddy bear or something, and Jesus is asking her to give it to Him, and she’s refusing, but the audience can see that He has an even bigger teddy bear for her; I feel like this will represent how your success for this year will be. You may have one view of how you want it, but that result keeps getting pushed back or thwarted because you’re thinking too small. 

The action of patience will be your most important lesson this year. “Can You Stand the Rain” fits really well for this closing part of the reading. You will be learning how to wither the storm of seemingly being overlooked and having your ideas of abundance not being given to you how and when you want in exchange for even better and more success to meet you at the end. As is always said, “patience is a virtue”.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈𝐈

Signs:

222, swan, itchy left palm, losing items, “i’m so sorry”, prominent sagittarius and/or gemini placements, heavy mutable energy, neptune dominant or many aspects to neptune, ducks, water, lust for nostalgia, being lost in your memories

Shufflemancy:

“In Love with Another Man” by Jazmine Sulllivan

“needy” by Ariana Grande

“Halazia” by Ateez

“Home” by Todrick Hall

“6 Foot 7 Foot” by Lil Wayne (feat. Corey Gunz)

“Put It On Da Floor Again” by Latto (feat. Cardi B)

Cards:

Queen of Cups (Rx), Six of Cups (Rx), Ace of Wands, Ten of Coins, The Sun, Six of Coins, The Emperor, Memories (Rx), Mutable (Rx), Sagittarius (Rx), Planetary Retrograde (Rx)

Reading:

For those choosing pile three, your lesson during the year will relate to you recognizing yourself more. Those who chose this pile may feel disconnected from their emotions or feel very emotionally drained last year and entering the new year. You may be very used to letting people utilize you in their lives however they want while when it comes to you needing people, they often are away or too busy to care about you. You could be prone to co-dependent relationships where you feel like you need to be needed or of help to someone and they to you, but you let them give you the bare minimum while you give your all. 

Earlier, I thought you might be someone who doesn’t like remembering things or has a hard time with their memory, but it’s actually the opposite! You’re someone who loves to get lost in the past and what used to be; the song “Could’ve Been” by H.E.R feels relevant. For some reason the energy for this pile feels very connected to a relationship that you may miss during the year. It seems you will eventually come to the realization that you’re losing yourself to the past and recognize you need to garner up the willpower to keep going for the present. You will gain the energy to begin doing things for yourself instead of for the sake of pleasing others. You will be recognizing how important you are to yourself, and/or you will be building up that importance. 

During this year, you will be building a new foundation where you do things for you. You will be focusing on your own growth and prioritizing self-care. You will learn how to put your happiness above other people's, which might be an issue you have been avoiding for a while. Rather than relying on others for emotional stability and to qualify your self-worth, you will likely end up doing a ton of introspection to discover what makes you happy solo. If you’re someone who is chronically in relationships, you may take a well-needed break in order to discover yourself like you’ve been putting off doing. 

Overall, your lesson for the new year involves being your own rock so to speak. You will be learning how to set boundaries to protect yourself from people who are no good for you because they want to be like vampires in using you. Instead, you will focus on yourself and your ideals, wants, desires, and emotions. Your lesson this year will be learning how to focus on you.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐕

Signs:

having a lot of conjunctions in natal or solar return chart, heavy fixed energy, being born on a new moon, heavy uranus energy, “i don’t forgive you”, heavy fourth house placements and energy, “i don’t forgive you”, (oak) trees, miracles, unicorns

Shufflemancy:

“Focus” by Ariana Grande

“Hello” by J. Cole

“Lonely St.” by Stray Kids

“On It” by Jazmine Sullivan (feat. Ari Lennox)

“Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen

“New Money” by Leikeli47

Cards:

Ace of Cups, Four of Coins, The Devil, Temperance, Knight of Coins, King of Cups, Judgement, The Fool, Conjunction, Fixed, New Moon, Uranus, 4H, Trees, Miracles

Reading:

Those choosing this final pile, your lessons this year may relate to embracing new beginnings and a fresh start. For you, I’m reminded of all these rituals people are engaging in as we all enter the new year: eating black eyed peas, not washing clothes, having someone with money enter the house first, eating grapes under a table at midnight, and everything else. It seems you’re in the energy of “new year, new me”! With that, your lessons seem to relate to putting that quote to the test and seeing if you’re actually ready to embrace what comes with newness. 

You could be losing things and people this year; maybe you fall out with certain people in your friend group, or you lose your job, or you graduate from school, or you’ll find a whole new group of friends. In general, the concept of not getting so attached to things or people to the point where you’re unwilling to separate from them comes to mind. Not that you can’t also develop strong attachments and relationships! But, when it’s time to let a situation or person go do not spend so much time trying to get them to stay. “When it’s time to go; it’s time to go”. 

Do not become obsessive about things and people you come into contact with this year. The phrase, “there’s a time and season for everything” is very important! “Be flexible” is the best advice I could give for those reading this pile. Being flexible does not entail not working hard though; find a balance between being hardworking and putting in effort and also being open to change and loss. There is a major emphasis on balance and being in control when it comes to your emotions but also overall this year. 

Overall, your lessons deal with being open to the change that comes with a new year and declaring that you’re ready for new things. You still need to put in work and go about life and strive to achieve what it is you want - in relationships, friendships, work, your daily life, and more, but you also need to be willing to let people and things go when the universe tells you they’re no longer serving or helping you. Truly, be open to the new beginnings you’re saying you want. 

[aritany]

On Identity: The Truth

Content warnings: homophobia, transphobia, references to self harm and suicide.

I’ve been keeping secrets my whole life.

I’m 10 and I’m listening to my dad at the dinner table, who I know to be the most trustworthy person in the world. He talks about the legalization of marriage between two people of the same sex and asks us to consider the implications. Where do we draw the line in the sand? Legalizing gay marriage paves the way for legalizing pedophilia, after all. If a union between two men or two women isn’t disrespecting the sanctity of marriage, what’s next? Marriage between men and animals?

I’m 11 the first time I hear it: “It doesn’t matter how low I set the bar for you, you still can’t reach it.”

I’m confused and afraid—I’m trying so hard—but I hear it then, and again, and again, spoken low in disappointment, shouted with a vein popping in her forehead, cold like a fact, and it sinks in, bone deep.

I’m 12 with my first crush on a girl. I’m not confused, I know that’s what it is—I want to kiss my friend, and I already know not to talk about it. Never to talk about it. It isn’t safe.

I’m 13 and doubting. I throw myself into fitting in. I pick the right boys to like and I go overboard, and I do like them, I do, I do, I want them to like me, I want to be their friend. I want to be their equal, but that’s not quite how the story goes, so I settle for trying to hold hands with somebody I desperately crave respect from, but that’s wrong too, I learn. 

I’m 14 and convicted. How could this be wrong? I brush hands with a girl in choir and we meet eyes and I know. I watch a gay kiss on TV and I sob into my hands and I tell no one, no one, no one.

I’m 15 and I come out to my mom, haltingly, with the terminology that I have, because the thought of hiding forever—keeping quiet through one more dinner—kills me.

She tells me no. She tells me I’m wrong.

I look in her eyes and I understand: it’s not an option, and it never will be.

I’m 15 and I do my best to stop there.

It doesn’t work.

I’m 16 when I first hear my mom say that you can love someone and not approve of their lifestyle. I wonder what kind of love that is. I wonder how that kind of diluted, half-hearted, patronizing love can be enough for anyone. I wonder if she’s thought about how that feels, to be told that who you are—not by choice—is fundamentally wrong.

I’m 16 and a boyfriend is a shield. The right choice, so I make it, and it’s even almost fun. I love being his friend. I’m afraid of anything more.

I’m 17 and my youngest sibling whispers, “So am I.”

My heart breaks for the pain they’ll experience, as they too are taught, painstakingly, how to hate themself. Which parts of themself have to be kept hidden, which parts are shameful. They sit at that dinner table and hear the rhetoric that pushed me to the brink and over it, and I hope they’re stronger than I am.

They aren’t.

I’m 18 and my mom works at a college for the performing arts. I sit and curdle quietly while she talks about her genderqueer students. Misgenders them behind their backs. Deadnames used flippantly. She knows better, after all. She can be the expert on somebody else’s identity. They’re mentally ill, all of them. None of them are happy. They’re searching for something only God can provide.

I’m 19 and I come out as bisexual to the man I’m certain I’m going to marry, tearing the secret out like a bandage fused to skin. He tells me of course it’s fine, that he supports who I am. Of course people like me should have rights, of course. I laugh, relieved. Later, I find out this moment was almost a dealbreaker for him, and I wonder how much was ever real.

I’m 20 and I’m out. I’m 20 and I’m free. I’m 20 and I believe, because I’ve been told, that I am loved for who I am. All of who I am. I still flinch when I hear a car door slam.

I’m 21 and I’m searching for the connection to my womanhood. I’m searching for what makes a woman a woman. I’m reading gender theory and talking to friends around the world and wondering exactly what it is that I’m missing.

What does the rest of the world know that I don’t?

I’m 22 when my marriage ends because my body might not be attractive to my husband one day, and my parents email him in support and solidarity, expressing sympathy, and I’m not surprised.

I’m 22, and standing up for who I am has cost me everything. A spouse, two sets of parents, financial security, a city’s worth of community, more childhood friends than I can count. My parents tell me to go back in the closet so my ex-husband will love me. To them, his frustration is understandable, of course—by presenting androgynously, I’m betraying my marriage vows, after all.

I wonder, stunned into silence, where I promised to look like a woman.

I’m 23 when I come out to my parents for the third time; not as bisexual, not as trans, but as hurt. 

I lay out the pain of the last decade as succinctly as I can, hoping they’ll hear. When I assert that yes, to be in relationship with me, use of my name and pronouns is a requirement, my mother jokes, “Well, we don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

It’s not a joke.

I see the flash in her eyes, the instant regret as she laughs it off like it’s funny, but it isn’t.

The kid sitting at the dinner table knows it’s not a joke. The kid who listened to countless lectures on the morality of queerness knows it’s not a joke. The kid who stood with shaking hands and tried to bleed out the bad knows it’s not a joke. Years of casual bigotry taught me how to hate myself, which parts of myself I should cross out and ignore, which parts of myself I should be ashamed of.

I’m 23, and I have finally unlearned shame, and when I ask my parents to see me, the joke is that I’m a terrorist. I’m unreasonable.

The shock of it becomes a balm, later on.

Some jokes aren’t funny.

Some jokes aren’t jokes at all.

I’m 24 and I’m learning that it’s scary to be alone. Bigotry made me an orphan and made us strangers, and knowing that it’s the right choice to stand up for myself doesn’t make it any easier. I’m learning the only way out is through, if you’re not squeamish:

Cut off the part of yourself that’s 7 years old standing outside of their bedroom because the nightmare had teeth and claws and they are the heroes that will hold you close and make it warm again.

Amputate.

Cauterize.

Don’t let them see you bleed.

I’m learning that the wound takes a long, long time to close.

I’m 25 as I write this, and I am proud of who I am, even if I’m still bleeding. All of who I am. It’s taken a long time for me to let that person see the sun, but here we are, basking in the glow. Those wounds are healing. I am visible for everyone else who whispers, “So am I.”

Your sunshine will come. Your sunshine will come. 

Your sunshine will come.

[yaoyaobae]

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for following me, its my first time sharing about my twst ocs so I’ll give it a shot ✊

Warning: Hallucinations 🙇‍♀️

Alison Wondre

School: Royal Sword Academy

Favourite food: Cookies

Pastime: Reading children’s books, Daydreaming

Family: Mother, Father, Older sister

Role: Head of Alice/Wonderland dorm

Alison is a second year student at RSA and dorm head. Unlike Riddle who upholds rules, Alison is the polar opposite of him in every way.

Alison adopts a carefree and playful attitude, he enjoys teasing uptight people until they blow (like Riddle).

He tends to mention strange things like how he saw some singing flowers the other day or his craving to take a bite out of a bread-and-butter-fly. From the way he dresses to his wild, childish imagination its no surprise that many students believe he’s gone mad. But it is agreeably fitting for someone who is head of the Alice/Wonderland dorm.

Backstory:

Alison has an older sister whom he adores greatly and spends most of his time with. When he was a young boy, he didn’t listen to his sister’s heeding to not stray off from the path and ended up falling into a deep hole in a forest. He slowly started hallucinating monsters and cried himself to sleep, wishing he had listened to his sister. Thankfully, the authorities found him a few days later and he was sent to a hospital.

However, it was clear that Alison became an entirely different person after the incident. He began telling his sister stories about funny creatures he had met during his “adventure” which was rather worrying to her. While Alison was in the hospital for a few months,he picked up several children’s picture books which he still brings around with him in school till this day. As he grew older his imagination became wilder as he forgets the fine line between reality and his “wonderland”. He takes afternoon naps to “meet his friends”. Its a given rule to never wake him up.

Of course despite his eccentric character, Alison is still a caring and reliable leader when he needs to be(just that he conveys it in his own ways). He will not hesitate to listen to a fellow dorm mate’s worries and give vague advice, hoping they can figure out the riddle. He encourages them to “stay curiouser and curiouser” as life becomes a little more colourful that way when you experience new things. When it comes to thinking out of the box, no one can beat Alison to it.

Relationships

Riddle

Alison finds joy in teasing serious individuals, namely Riddle, until they throw a tantrum. He doesn’t mind getting the magic collar so as long as he can poke fun at the red haired queen. In serious situation, Alison would cooperate with Riddle and provide creative solutions.

If both of them share a similarity, it would be the fear of being held back and stuck in a dark place alone. Like Riddle who grew up having to follow his mother’s rules and forbidden to see his friends, Alison can somewhat share the same pain as he is still afraid of not waking up and/or seeing his sister again because of his ignorance in the past.

Chenya

Alison is generally carefree around others, but when it comes to this cunning cheshire cat he will not waste a single second to curse him. Many students find it strange how two eccentrics from the same dorm can never get along. Alison finds Chenya a nuisance who disrupts his afternoon naps, often pestering him. In addition, Chenya always gives Alison close-to-useless advice even when the latter didn’t ask for any. Guess its like a taste of his own medicine 😂

While the two do not get along, they are always seen together in school bickering nonsense. Sometimes Chenya would purposely wake Alison up from his nap to share about the strawberry tart he stole from his two childhood friends, the sleepy blonde would just doze off back to dreamland while nodding his head.

End

Well, I think that is all I can share about Alison! I hope you will like him too, thank you to those who have loved him since the beginning!! Talking about my children is fun ☺️

Until next time!

[jpmarvel90]

The Healer

Masterlist Natasha Masterlist

Word Count: 3588

Relationship: Natasha x Reader (but not really)

Summary: Y/n was a prisoner of Hydra where she was experimented on to give her the powers to heal. She was then forced to use those powers to heal any person Hydra sent her way. That was until the Avengers stormed the base she was held at. Surely her life would only get better from here....right?

Y/n's POV:

You'd think being an Avenger is a dream. Maybe for the others it is. But for me it's a nightmare. For the majority of my adult life, I had been held captive by Hydra. In that time, I was tortured and tested on. So much so that I now have the ability to heal people. I would dream for the day that I might escape and be able to use my powers for good, rather than healing those causing pain and destruction.

Then one day, the Avengers came and stormed the base I was being held in. Because of my powers, I was being forced to heal the wounded and when Tony Stark came across me, he assumed I was one of them. He knocked me out and I woke up in a new cell. Granted this one was slightly more comfortable.

Three months I spent in there, only being let out if it was to heal one of the team if they were hurt. I had tried to explain to them that I have never and will never support Hydra, but they wouldn't listen to me. I gave up in the end, realising that they would never listen or believe me. After some time had passed, Fury decided that I would become part of the Avengers or be sent straight to the raft. I obviously decided the former and soon was allowed out of my cell and into a room of my own. Not that I was ever permitted to leave the compound, except for missions.

I had hoped that over time, maybe I could earn the team's trust. That I could prove to them who I really am and maybe even make some friends. But I couldn't have been more wrong. None of them cared for me. I wasn't welcome at team meals. I was to eat on my own. So, you can imagine that I was never allowed to team building events or parties.

I was simply a healer to them. And an evil one at that. I was used to go on endless missions and heal anyone who was injured. From small cuts to stab and gun shot wounds. They had no care for the impact that it was having on my body. Each time I heal, it drains me. The more severe the injury, the long it would take for me to recover. But to the team, it was a price I had to pay for my sins.

I wasn't just sent on Avenger missions either. Any important Shield ones, I would be made to tag along. There were times I struggled to see the difference to Hydra. I was being used in exactly the same way but here, I had a more comfortable room. But I was still a prisoner, being used for powers I never asked for.

It didn't take me long to realise that I would never be able to show the team that I'm no threat and was taken against my will. Not even Wanda, who did actually volunteer to work with Hydra, gave me the time of day.

I would hear the snide comments and questioning of my worth. Then Steve would speak up and talk about how valuable I was. But not because of me as person, but because of my powers. If they could take my powers from me and give them to someone else, I know they would do it in a heartbeat and I would be locked away for life on the Raft.

I started to train myself to help with trying to keep my mental health in check. Some days it was hard to get out of bed. I'm ashamed that I have considered ending everything. Maybe I wasn't meant for this world. But then I would snap out of it and know that I have to fight. So, I taught myself how to. I wasn't too bad, and Steve found me one day and sparred with me. He was impressed and told me that I would be able to support in more than just a healing capacity. It didn't change his view of me as a person though.

So that's what happened. I was expected to fight alongside them, as well as heal them. Although my stamina increased overtime, I still couldn't control the impact on my body when healing someone. But once again. The team didn't care when I would practically crawl back onto the QuinJet. In fact, I'm sure they would leave me behind if they weren't so desperate for my healing abilities.

Today, we're heading out on a big mission. They have found one of the main Hydra bases. Our job is to go in, get intel and blow the place up. Natasha and Wanda will be going in and getting any information they need. Steve will plant the bombs, whilst the rest of us keep the Hydra agents busy.

There weren't too many injuries that I had to heal. Barton took a knife to the stomach, but it missed any vital organs, so wasn't too bad to heal, whilst Sam broke his arm when his wingsuit was taken out and he fell to the ground. It meant my energy was up and I was able to focus on fighting and making sure I did my job to the best of my ability.

As the fighting grew more intense, my comms crackled and I heard a shaky voice coming through. "Y/n. We need support in the comms room. Nat's been hit. I-it's bad." Wanda calls out.

Nat's POV:

This mission was going to be a huge success if we could take this base out. It was one of Hydra's 4 main bases. It would significantly affect their ability to carry out attacks on the scale they have been doing so.

Wanda and I were able to get inside relatively easily with the others fighting out the front. Wanda used her powers to deal with any agents we came across and protected me whilst I started to download as much information as I could. I then started looking through the rows of filing cabinets, hoping to find something useful. Whilst flicking through one of the draws, I see a picture of someone I recognise.

It's Y/n, though she looks far younger. Maybe 18. Intrigued, I start flicking through the file, but soon regret it when I read her history. My hand flies to my mouth and I gasp as I see the evidence that proved what Y/n had told us was true. She truly was a prisoner. Captured when she was 19 and held captive for 7 years. She wasn't born with her powers but was instead tested upon. My whole body fills with regret and I feel like I could be sick. We have treated her like the enemy for so long when she was the victim.

"What is it?" Wanda asks me as she appears by my side. "We were wrong about Y/n." I state, handing her the file, before running my hands through my hair. "Oh my God. She was telling the truth." She gasps herself at the realisation. "How could we treat her so badly. We basically have held her prisoner and forced her to heal us. It's no different to what Hydra were doing to her." I exclaim, anger building within me at how we treated someone who just needed our help.

"We can fix this. When this mission is over, we'll show this to the team, and we'll work to make this right." Wanda suggests. "Assuming she could ever forgive us." I mumble, knowing we have done far too much damage for her to easily accept our apology.

My guard is down as my mind races over all the horrible things I've said, that we've all said. I don't see the guards coming in the room behind us. Both Wanda and I are too late to react before two gun shots go off. I feel the burning instantly in my chest and stomach as my mouth starts to fill with blood. "NAT!" Wanda calls out, rushing in my direction. Not before using a blast of her red magic to end the agent that had managed to hit me.

My legs start to wobble, and I fall to the floor in a heap, my hands trying to stop the bleeding. Wanda drops to her knees and presses her hands down firmly on my wounds to help in the task, but it's all in vain as her own hands are soon painted in red. "We need Y/n." Wanda mumbles before activating her comms. Her eyes never leave me as they fill with tears. I know it's bad. I'm going to die if Y/n doesn't get here in time. "Y/n. We need support in the comms room. Nat's been hit. I-it's bad." Wanda calls out for our teammate. The one that we have failed so badly.

We're amazed at how quickly she gets here, she's out of breath as she drops to the floor besides me. I can feel my life slowly seeping away. "It's ok Agent Romanoff, I've got you." She smiles at me. I can never understand how she is so kind in these moments. She's soft and caring as she heals you. Then once it's done, we treat her like the enemy we thought she was.

"You guys need to get out of there. The bombs have been set and are due to detonate in a couple of minutes." Steve informs us and I see panic form in Wanda's eyes. "Go Miss Maximoff. I've got this." Y/n tells the witch. She's reluctant to leave as Y/n places her hands over my stomach to start healing. "GO! I promise that Agent Romanoff will be safe." She shouts, taking Wanda by surprise. Reluctantly, Wanda gets to her feet and walks backwards slowly. "I'll see you at the jet." She says, before running back through the building to safety.

I look to Y/n who is focusing on the job at hand. I can feel the warmth as my body starts to heal. Though with each passing second, I see Y/n's face become paler. Her eyes struggle to stay open and it's then I realise the real impact of healing someone does to her. Especially when they are so close to death. We've tortured her ourselves as we've forced her to heal us.

Her body suddenly crumples to the floor, and I look down to see my wounds completely healed, not even a scar. "Y/n, wake up. Stay with me." I say, moving to her side, tapping her face gently to get her to wake. Her eyes flutter open and I smile at her. "Thank you." I say, though my heart breaks at the affect my words have on her. I don't think we've ever thanked her for saving our lives. She's done it on numerous occasions.

"You both need to get out now. The bombs are due to detonate any second now." Steve yells down the comms. "Go." She indicates to me, but I shake my head. "Not without you." I tell her, wrapping my arm around her trying to lift her. She's a dead weight but I know I can carry her out. "Stop." She says firmly. "We won't make it if you try and get me out." She says with a look of acceptance on her face. "No, I won't leave you behind." I reiterate, but she uses what little strength she has to push me off her. "It was only a matter of time until I was no longer useful to you all. Go and save yourself." She snaps at me, and I realise that she thinks the only reason I'm saving her is because of her powers.

"No Y/n. I know the truth now. You deserve a happy life. One where you chose your destiny. I won't let you die here in this hell hole." I tell her firmly. "Mr Stark, are you able to come and get Agent Romanoff?" Y/n asks through the comms. "We're both getting out of here. Do you hear me?" I shout just as Tony confirms he's a minute out.

We feel the ground shake as the first bomb goes off, it's only a matter of time until they reach us. "Maybe my death will purge me of my sins." Y/n says through laboured breath. "No, you have nothing to atone for. We do. For how we've treated you. I'm so sorry Y/n. We never should have done what we did to you. It's unforgivable." I try to apologise to her, cupping her face.

Before I can say anything more, Tony blasts through a wall and grabs me in his arms. "Time to go Romanoff." He says but I fight to get out of his arms. "NO! Not without Y/n." I try to get back to the stricken girl on the floor. She can't die. Not like this. "We're going Romanoff. It's fitting that she should die in the place she called home." Tony snarls, making the anger boil within me as he runs out the hole in the wall he had just created.

Even with all my strength I can't get out of his grip, and I give in as he flies away. I watch the building below me getting smaller as we get further away. Just as we're out of danger I watch in horror as the building explodes. "NO!" I scream knowing that Y/n is in there. Tony lands and places me on the floor and is shocked when I start pushing him. "You left her there to die! You asshole!" I scream at him, my anger boiling over as the others come to see what the commotion is. "It was you or her Romanoff and that wasn't even a choice." Tony growls back at me.

"She was innocent!" I yell, taking them all by surprise. "She was telling the truth. She was never working for Hydra by choice. She was a prisoner who spent the majority of her time there being tortured. She would have thought she was free when we saved her, but instead we made her a prisoner of our own, using her for her powers." I rant angrily, tears falling down my cheeks.

"Come on Romanoff, she got to you. Just because she healed you doesn't mean you have to believe her." He argues back. "She's right. Y/n was telling us the truth. We've treated her like the enemy when really, she was the victim." Wanda backs me up. At our revelation, I watch as the others come to terms with what we've done. Steve's head drops as he pulls off his mask. Sam holds the arm the Y/n had not long ago healed whilst Clint looked like he had seen a ghost.

"How do we even know this is true. It could still all be some elaborate plan." Tony tries to dismiss the truth. I reach into my pocket where I had put her file and slammed it into his chest. "Read this and tell me you still feel the same." I spit at him. "We're meant to be the world's mightiest heroes. But how would people react when they hear how we treated a helpless prisoner." I fume, embarrassed by our actions.

I turn away from my team and look to the mountain of rubble in front of me. Maybe she's still alive. Maybe I can find her. With determination in my step and tears stinging my eyes, I start walking towards the rubble. "Where are you going?" Wanda calls after me. "To find her. Hopefully alive, but if not, she deserves a funeral. One showing the real hero she is." I shout back over my shoulder, my eyes locking on to the rough area she would have been.

I start moving the rubble with my bare hands, calling out for Y/n periodically. I'm praying that she responds to me, that she calls out and we're able to save her. Whilst I'm moving the rubble, I see a whisp of red, helping to move it out of the way. I look up to see Wanda, giving me a tight-lipped smile. "She's our teammate. We do this together." She tells me. Soon after the others join us, working to move as much as we can in the hopes of finding Y/n alive.

"Can you feel her at all?" I ask Wanda when we're no closer to finding her. She doesn't respond. She doesn't have to. The pain and regret in her eyes give me the answer I didn't want.

As time goes on, my hope starts to dwindle. She can't die like this. The last words said to her were out of such malice. She needs to know how much we appreciate her, how sorry we are and how much we want to make this up to her. I can see the hope fading for everyone, but we refuse to stop. Even when Fury sends Maria to get us back home. She's soon to join us, her own guilt building.

When I move a large bit of wood, I see a familiar tattoo. 98-321. Y/n has that tattoo. "OVER HERE!" I shout out to the others who are quick to head in my direction as I quickly work to remove the rubble on top of her, ignoring the blood and bruises forming on my hands. I manage to get her free and pull her into my lap whilst the others gather around. "Y/n? Y/n? Can you hear me? It's Natasha." I say to her, tapping her face. But unlike earlier, she doesn't wake.

With shaky hands, I move my two fingers towards her neck and press against her pulse point. I close my eyes tightly hoping to find any signs of life. Though if I really took in her body, I would have seen it would have been an impossible ask. "No." I whisper when I feel nothing.

I hold her close, her skin feeling cold against my touch. "I'm so sorry. Please come back to us. I'm sorry." I start to cry as I hold her limp body in my arms. I rest my head against her chest where her heart no longer beats. I don't care about the blood and dusty that is starting to cover my body. I just want to hold her, in the hopes that, by some miracle, she may understand how sorry we truly are.

"You were a hero Y/n and we didn't treat you like one. We let you suffer when you needed help more than anyone. I wish we could have saved you. Given you the life you deserved. I can only promise that we will never allow this to happen again. Believe me when I say you were seen, and your input to this team was invaluable. You have saved all our lives in some capacity or another. I'm sorry we couldn't do the same for you." I apologise to her through my tears.

A hand on my shoulder brings me back to the devastation around us. "We should go." Steve tells me, with a sad look on his face. He bends down and carefully takes Y/n in his arms. "Be careful with her!" I warn him and he nods. "We will treat her with the utmost respect. As late as that may well be now." He reassures me.

Wanda helps me to my feet, and we follow behind Steve as we make our way back to the QuinJet. The whole team is in shock. I watch as Steve lays Y/n on one of the medical beds and gently places a blanket over her. I quickly move to the seat next to her and hold her hand. I hate the idea of her being alone in this moment.

The journey back is silent as we mourn the loss of a teammate and the embarrassment and guilt settles. When we arrive at the compound a team is waiting to take Y/n's body away and I'm reluctant to allow it. I'm alive because of her. Yet she is dead because of me.

The next few days are dark. Wanda and I plan a service that Y/n deserves. We were able to trace some family. Her sister, Sam, talked of how Y/n was taken one night, and the police were never able to find her. They had assumed she was dead. She had asked why she didn't try and find her once she had managed to escape, and I had to admit that she wasn't permitted to. It's safe to say Sam wasn't too happy when she heard about how we treated her sister.

Despite that, she attended the service for her little sister. She held a lot of pain. I guess finding out that Y/n was alive all the way along only to learn she died like she did much have been hard.

The service was perfect, and the majority of Shield turned up for it. Word had gotten around about the truth and there was a great shame felt by many. None more so than me. I'm a spy, I pride myself on being able to see what others don't. But for some reason I was blinded to this. I could have saved her. She died because of me. It's something I'll never be able to forgive myself for. But I know, that I will never let anyone else be treated the same. I will also never allow anyone to forget that Y/n Y/l/n was the true hero of the Avengers.

[sixthwater]

Hello! Have you been feeling a bit lost recently? Especially with all of the eclipses that we've been experiencing? Well, here is some short advice from your spirit guides and angels to help get things sorted out.

Left → Right / Pile 1 → Pile 4)

Decks Used: The Psychic Oracle, Fairies Oracle Deck, Elle Qui Oracle, Woodland Wardens Oracle, Sacred Creators Oracle, Sea Melodies, Language of Flowers, Wild Unknown Animal Spirits,

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Pile One

I began your reading and my back started killing me; make sure you’re doing proper stretches or you’re not pushing yourself too hard to wear yourself out.

There is a sense of holding your tongue or keeping yourself trapped in the closet. I just got an image of The Little Mermaid when she signed away her voice but it’s not the Disney version it’s the legitimate fairy tale, it’s also more of a choice? It’s difficult to describe; it’s not that you prefer to be uncomfortable and to hide under a mask blah blah blah, but there’s experience of pain and loss so you don’t want to do it again. Maybe you haven’t expressed certain emotions or identities, but you overheard them being looked down upon or it was made fun of, so instead you locked these emotions up and threw away the key (ex; someone laughing at you having feelings for them when brought up as a joke or someone disrespecting a sexual orientation/identity, etc). Your pile is the very first, in all of my history of reading, where I want to be completely silent and only listen to certain frequencies as well.

The advice: You need to listen to yourself and the world (in a way). You already have the answers to your questions/concerns inside of you, but you do need some help finding them obviously. You’re looking for external answers, but it’s only causing more confusion because...well everyone sees the world differently. So when you try to put yourself in those shoes, it causes more scratches on the Vinyl record that is your life, you know? It’s funny to say this but they’re kind of asking you to pull back and not move on so fast from what’s going on because you haven’t really sat with your feelings and gone through the process. What’s been upsetting you and why did it bother you. Why did you react that way. Well how did you get to Point E from Point B? Take a time out and sort these things out when you can because it’ll get you some clarity. There’s also a piece here about communicating and becoming vulnerable. It’s not exactly the same, but I need to figure myself out sometimes with talking and I end up stumbling upon revelations through discussions. You might need to have a low energy discussion with someone you feel comfortable with you so can get to these answers. You don’t need to immediately express or explain these things, but it will help you out. Some of you might need to re-route yourselves because you are lost and you took the wrong exit; it’s fine, that’s life and it’ll happen constantly. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, if you weren’t here to make mistakes then what are you even here for. Confide in other people, ask for help, get some guidance. You can rely on those around you, not everyone will want to hurt you. I keep being nudged to an issue with identity and — for some it’s just figuring out who you are but there’s pain so if it is what i mentioned earlier, only you know yourself. People can help, but do not let them police who you are and decide what’s ‘correct’ and what’s not. The main message overall is that there is a need for you to be vulnerable with people — or at least someone. There is either embarrassment or pride here holding you back and it’s smothering emotions that end up causing inner turmoil. I would say this points to seeking out a therapist but there are no swords here, so I believe this could just point to finding people to confide in or making peace with the softer aspects of yourself that you might find shameful.

With ‘Chance’ and ‘Dive’, I believe it’s just pointing more towards diving deeper into unknown territory which would be emotions you haven’t explored yet. ‘You cant live your life dealing with surface level things’ is the phrase I’m getting.

Pile Two

Pretty simple so this might be short. The energy check is a bit out of reach despite how simple it seems. I think the first two songs might sum it up a lot better than I can. I don’t believe it deals directly with love, but the idea remains.

I think the advice here is to not teeter too much to one side. You’re not lacking in passion, but you might pull back too much if something fails. There’s a slim piece about being a bit scattered in where you want to go, but we’ll touch on that later. For now, it’s being enveloped by how alive you feel when you’re going after your dreams. How happy it makes you and the rush you get. I keep being drawn back to Passion Ignited as well as Aylis because they’re similar; a glowing ‘orb’ that’s placed over the chest somewhat. Ah that reminds me of The Greatest Showman. Just it’s song ‘Come Alive’, I think that fits this pile quite well. You just have to be comfortable diving into your passion and not be embarrassed, and even when making mistakes, to laugh it off and keep chasing after it. It doesn’t even have to be a dream — people call nearly everything cringe these days. Are we not supposed to have hobbies? Enjoy your hobbies, that’s the point of living. What does it matter. Express yourself and be a bit goofy, you’re a bit tense and scared of messing up right now, but it’s okay. Now before I mentioned being scattered — there’s a small message of getting a clear view of what you want in your life. Do you want to be an influencer or do you just want a good work-life balance. Or a remote job. It’s the general idea that you have which might not really be what you want at the end of the day, and they’re just asking you to clarify, because you can make certain things come true if that’s what you want. However, with just as many ‘let loose’ cards you have, they’re balanced with some grounded cards here. Also, if you haven’t reached your goal yet, don’t give up. We never reach our goal with just one attempt or in just one chapter. You will get there.

Tiger Lily...maybe my job example was on point? If you’re thinking of jumping into something headfirst with no back-up, really think about it. Make sure you have savings, you have a safety-net, you have all your bases covered, etc. There are plenty of people who can afford to take a risky route of income because other people are covering bills with an insane paycheck, or they’ve had years to build up a base. Be patient, and work dutifully to get to that place. It’s difficult, but with these really precious spread I believe that you will have much to offer people if you take your time. This doesn’t mean give up, it just means be smart and take your time.

Associated Songs: Passion – Utada Hikaru, All My Heart – Sleeping with Sirens, Tonight – Kesha

Pile Three

This is gorgeous. The energy while pulling cards was light and goofy and I’m understanding why now. The meaning of these cards would usually give off a blue/purple aura, since there are a lot of messages alluding to soul searching, but I believe this is more...personable? How do I explain this.

Usually when you think of soul searching, you think of The Hermit. Someone who pulls back from socializing and focuses on themselves. However with this combination, it feels more like really thinking about- I’m sorry the strongest smell just popped through my vents and it smells like Cinnamon. It is not my favorite but it reminds me of gatherings late at night, anyway — It feels like thinking about the people around you and how they reflect you and what you want in your life. You figure yourself out and what you want out of life by interacting with others. It’s not that you need others to do this, but they shine a light on certain aspects of yourself or they bring you to do activities that you wouldn’t have done on your own, thus making you have these realizations. So the advice itself is saying that you should sit on these moments and really let them seep in. They’re not necessarily telling you to isolate and do some introspective thinking, but when you have these moments, don’t push them aside to keep up with others. You have a knack for knowing yourself inside and out, and what’s best for you. I know that seems pretty normal, but it’s not necessarily common. Knowing who or what you want VS what you don’t is a good gift and you should be utilizing it right now. I keep hearing ‘don’t be satisfied’. Keep looking for things that really make you happy. It’s not in a greedy sense, but don’t think ‘well that’ll do’, go seek out experiences or hobbies that make you feel whole! I don’t deal with chakras, but all this green is hard to ignore considering it stands for the Heart and I’ve felt happy and calm the entire reading. There’s not much advice here because you might already have the answer inside of you but more like recommendations; such as going for walks, or having calm hangouts with friends or family. I think you’re already doing what’s being said here, but do your best to keep a balance of focusing on those revelations of what’s best for you and healthy doses of engagement with those around you. I don’t have to pull extra cards either, you seem to be doing quite fine honestly

(There are no songs here, a lot of light-hearted songs. Some goofy mixes. Good Time by Carly Rae Jepsen & Owl City as well as chill songs that don’t really have messages in them)

Pile Four

Confidence. That sums up your whole reading. Well that and some change. Right now it doesn’t necessarily feel like doubt or naysayers, but you don’t really have people to boost you up. Or you need to feel extremely safe/supported in order to really go after something — which feels more physical than spiritual. So it could be a change in majors, career, personal expression, hell maybe just changing direction with your life in terms of dropping out or not using your degree in pursuit of something else entirely. The flowers in the Deceit card resemble horns right now and it’s like opinions or external thoughts regarding the situation that can make you overthink your next steps or how you feel about the topic in general. Gosh I’m forgetting the term but in a way, they could end up being right in a sense that they affect your natural ability and make you way too anxious to perform naturally, thus making you fail. So it’s the ‘well I’m going to fail so I’m not even going to do my very best’ so when you fail you think it was destined to happen.

Your guides and angels are asking you to just take a chance and trust in the adventure. You have to move with confidence, you can’t be sheepish with this. You could be new to this change, so obviously mistakes will happen, but you can’t go into this with a pessimistic attitude. I’m seriously not getting any negative energy around you so don’t worry about that. If the world around you is dull, explore different avenues that give you joy. I’m always going to say to never just leap into the unknown without any thought, but you seem extremely hesitant and it’s holding you back from a new chapter and great experiences that are meant for you. This could be in the shape of a new job or merely just new friends who could help you gain more confidence within yourself. Again though, this pile seems more material based than the others, so I’m thinking it’s related to money matters or at the most, possibly moving but that’s a stretch. There’s a small piece of being scared to take up new opportunities because you’re not well versed in them but, you won’t know everything in the world? The only way to gain experience is to test it out. If it’s for you, then you’ll know once you try it, right?

Haha the Bear! Yeah, this is an uncomfortable time for you, but it’s urging you to sort of learn how to walk, and embrace the natural calmness yet underlying formidable strength of this animal. I’m thinking of when someone was arguing that the bear was one of the scariest predators in the world, but this card also stands for inner strength and you literally have Strength here so, you just have to be comfortable entering this new stage of life (transitions, which there are too many examples for me to list here). Don’t be hard on yourself, everyone has been in your place before.

(Not many songs, just Bends by Carly Rae Jepsen stood out)

[lakesbian]

okay rachel posting time. i am going to have opinions on her

The scentless man waits for something, then speaks again, “Are you okay?” “Fuckin’ peachy.”  Brutus knows Master only says fuck word like that when she’s mad. “I have a hard time believing that, to be honest.  You were in pretty rough shape when I found you with Über and Leet’s henchmen, and those guys from the ABB.” “I’m fine now,” Master tells him.  She sounds angry.  Brutus steps forward, ready to growl to add own voice to hers, but Master tugs on leash just a little and Brutus stays quiet. “When I found you, one of them had you tied to the ceiling by your wrists and was using you as a punching bag.” Master breaks eye contact.  Brutus knows this is a sign that Master sees the scentless man as her alpha.  When she speaks, she still sounds angry, “I fucked up.  I was bored, restless, figured I’d walk Angelica and see if I could meet you guys where the money was.  Someone recognized me and tailed me.  I was stupid, I took my licks for it.  I’m fine now, we have the money, all is well.” The scentless man sighs.  Sounds a little angry as he says, “It’s not… no, nevermind.  No use getting into it.  But what if someone recognizes you while you’re walking him?” “I’ll fight back sooner, harder.  Or are you going to tell me I can’t walk my dogs anymore?”  All of a sudden, Master is tense.  Brutus can see it in her legs, hear it in her voice, feel it in her grip on the leash. “I wouldn’t do that,” the scentless man replies, his voice quiet, slightly strained “And you wouldn’t listen even if I did.  Just… be careful.” “I can go?” “Go.  Enjoy your walk, both of you.”

it's like...rachel's entire childhood was spent in an environment where any "concern" or attention from her authority figures was invariably going to be extremely ableist and confusing and scary for her. so much of how autistic children learn to approach interactions w/ ppl with social power over them is predicated on adults treating them like they're doing something atrociously wrong when they can't guess what that thing is, and no one ever explains. even "concern" for the child tends to result in "polite" attempts to force them into a specific socially acceptable mold, regardless of the cost to their mental wellbeing. i'm sure rachel has had uncountable experiences where she was made to feel like her distress or pain was her fault + worthy of punishment: because she was stupid, because she was retarded, because she couldn't act right, because she's a bad kid.

so, you know. of course she reacts to aggression and wariness with brian--her team leader--approaching her like this. he's asking if she's okay because he cares, but that doesn't change how often she gets treated like a bad dog on a leash. how is she supposed to know this is different from the times he gets mad at her for "doing something wrong," where she can't understand what the "wrong" thing is? how is she supposed to know this is different from all the hundreds of times that's happened to her before she even met him? he doesn't care about the money, here, but she has to cover her bases in bringing up that it's intact, because experience has taught her that people care more about how her behavior inconvenienced them than about how she's doing. it even sounds like he's about to say "it's not about the money" before he realizes that it's fruitless to go that route with rachel.

by "you were being used as a punching bag," he means "you were really being hurt badly, are you sure you're okay? i'm trying to check in on and help you," but all rachel hears is a reiteration of how she fucked up. he means "what if someone recognizes you while you're walking him?" as an inquiry into her safety. (he's incredibly protective of the undersiders during the bakuda fight, and afterwards he chooses to check on alec over detaining bakuda, so i'm sure the idea that rachel was kidnapped & hurt and he couldn't do anything about it rattled him, and he wants to ensure it can't happen again.) but rachel hears it as a subtle threat of punishment.

it's just Sooo. Soo Very. to see how her team is never quite able to figure out how to convey their care for her in a way that doesn't feel like a trap. rachie :(

[shopcat]

HI. this is the steve harrington autism post. source: i have the steve harrington style autism that makes me autistic about him

to preface this i would like to say i am working off of personal like interpretation and thru the lens of my own experience :0... also this is long lol <3 so, tl;dr, here are the autistic traits or things that are caused by autism i believe steve showcases, (except.. do read if you like <3):

sensory issues -> wearing only ever the same style of clothes, adjusting/touching his hair, (potentially) eating certain foods

stimming -> walking in place to think, fiddling with small objects, spinning/flipping/throwing objects to keep himself focussed or entertained, listening to music

scripting -> repeating phrases/words aloud and practicing what he's going to say, repeating the "plan" aloud

routine -> strict hair routine with specific steps, was in routine sports with strict rules/timing and enjoys them otherwise, driving robin to school every day without even knowing she couldn't bc it was routine, working jobs that require mindless but engaging tasks including organisation

poor grasp of social cues, especially with girls, and saying the "wrong" thing at the wrong time (including the 6 little nuggets speech, "he ate dustin's cat", confessing to robin, etc)

other people feeling like they have to tell him things he's "missed" socially (dustin telling him he likes robin, eddie telling him he likes nancy)

likes to set/follow rules and is upset when people deviate from them (i.e. max wanting to leave in s4)

out of-the-box/atypical/lateral thinking

delayed processing of thoughts/concepts/complicated subjects especially in high-intensity scenarios

picking up on small details (like background sounds in large areas or recognising something) that other people don't pick up on

fixating on certain things (hair, clothes/shoes, sports, etc)

high pain tolerance/sensory dysregulation (shaking off concussions/consistent, continued ability to function while severely injured)

inability to conceptualise his OWN mortality/safety and engaging in at risk situations with little thought other than instinct + making impulsive choices

developmental differences/delays (literally crawling backwards)

poor grades in school/not getting into college

trouble regulating emotion

poor self esteem due to feeling worthless :(

i also have adhd so i also keep this in mind a little and obv at the end of the day this is just my own interpretation + autism is a spectrum :) NOW. i will go into detail >:)

SOOO i'm not sure if steve was deliberately coded as autistic but i DO think they intentionally in one way or another coded him with a developmental disability of some kind!! which i will talk about first!!

this is shown particularly in season 2 in a couple different instances and continues into season 3 at undercurrent ..

we've discussed this a little before but i also think this is why when people like to just describe him as genuinely "dumb" it like hurts people's feelings 😭 my feelings... and that's not intentional ofc but while it is a personal insecurity of the character himself that is being ironically picked at, positively or not, by those who love him in fandom, it's also evident of something happening under the surface that people may be unaware of imo

i think he display a out of-the-box, atypical or lateral way of thinking combined with delayed processing in a way that is very typical to neurodivergent behaviour!! and more...

in season 2 we get a really nice little look into his psychology about it when nancy is reading his college admission essay (that he presumably asked her to do) and he's sitting there SO nervous and full of doubt and worked up about it he's like. basically twitching 😭

he says "it's crap i know" and nancy's like no it's not! and he's like "ugh it's not good..." sooo stressed out.. and nancy says it just needs some reorganising, which is INTERESTING!!! someone who is insecure in his own skills and inability to get his thoughts across in a succinct way + has good, complex ideas that translate poorly when he tries to explain it out loud or in text + a host of insecurities pre-rooted and explicitly about his own intellectual "failings" all = a very neurodivergent read of Steve Vs School i think

also, maybe a tangent, but: in that essay itself nancy says he starts by using one of his basketball games as a metaphor for his life, then he confuses the metaphor by comparing it to the war his grandfather was in. nancy says she doesn't see how they're connected and he's like "um. it connects because we both won" (i actually think she's being very sweet in this scene!! idg when ppl say she's mean here)

ik this wasn't the show's intention and just extrapolation but i find it really cool + interesting that there IS a war of some kind that steve could talk about that HE fought in, there is a description of high stakes combat where it's him VS them and he is the only one who now has to make this high stakes, risky choice, instead of playing it safe like he always does that relates directly to his life as a metaphor and he DOES feel connected to his grandfather in this sense...

but he can't actually talk about that. so it's basketball. and it's a slightly clunky metaphor that makes it seem like, trite, like oh silly steve, basketball isn't WAR. the essay itself is actually really well-written and evocative!! but to me signifies this inability to directly translate what he's thinking, hence it needs a little "rearranging", or maybe it's a little "all over the place" even

(also, that he crumpled up the entire essay and dismissed it entirely and fell back on nihilistic thinking and "i'll just work for my dad i guess". he already had cast disbelief upon his own ability to thrive because he feels he's not good enough :( )

his failing grades, which ended in not getting into college, tech or otherwise, is a big part of his post-highschool arc i think. to me it also shows sympathy to a problem many young neurodivergent (in every which way, btw) people face, including myself, and is potentially a really almost kind portrayal of the capability of a person not being wrapped up in their intellectual or i guess SCHOLASTIC endeavours and "achievements", and that you can be successful and "useful" to others in different ways :0

to call him dumb and really mean it (both in and out of show -_-) after all this is a certain kind of disservice i guess? like okay i think a little jokey joke is fine and also absolutely RELATING is fine (and another extension of another one of my points which is basically just "he's just like me fr" can actually = "he's JUST like me... like For Real". he's dumb in the way i'm dumb and we're both not actually dumb) but let's all be cool okayyyy

beyond school, i think he displays SOO many behaviours both characteristically and even like in his physicality that build to this beautiful conclusion... i think steve is this guy who was served up to be an initially one dimensional being who proved himself again and again to have a multitude of complexities beneath the surface :). i think his literal entire character arc is adjacent to the autistic experience LOL... perhaps...

he showcases a certain need and comfort in routine in a variety of ways, like:

being interested in sports both watching recreationally (which have timed matches and he HAS to be there on time, too) and as the hobby itself. sports are a high-routine activity with strict rules and rituals, before, after and during, as well as the extra work you have to put in otherwise!!

ESPECIALLY something like swimming, which is all about certain timing (and an individual-based sport as opposed to the team-based basketball) which he took for years!! (and actually got his cpr verification for, which you absolutely don't need to just like. be on the swim team. but it would be the "right" way to do it LOL) (also idk how it worked in 1980s fictional indiana but you need your verification a year in advance to actually do anything with it where i live!! which means he did it FROM freshman year)

driving robin to school every day, and then presumably picking her up for work sometimes too, despite not even knowing she COULDN'T drive herself because he was so dedicated to this routine (and friendship :D <3)

his hair routine!! it's SO specific (four puffs EXACTLY!!! no more no less... and when it's DAMP not WET) and i am honestly of the mind it's actually far more complex of a routine he even makes it out to be .. and i am willing to bet the multi step experience of it all is sooo long and has to be just as specific too. also extra points for it being something he does that aids in his own self-image and would make him feel like he's putting himself together.? so to speak

i think, in a way, that he owns about 9 pairs of shoes and most of them are white sports shoes with a colour accent + he's been shown to wear the colour accent that matches his outfit more often than not. which i spose is a certain kind of. ritual or routine or something.

he also shows a whole host of sensory issues/complexities/...things!!

he wears the same style of clothes like CONSTANTLY. almost everything he owns is either a soft sweater or a polo shirt, plus the same style of jacket he cycles through, all of which are well-worn (despite him being like, rich) :) the exception is that colourblock denim vest (which i think is the exception for him too because he just wanted to look like marty mcfly. which is so autistic)

i.e. wearing something that you know is comfortable over and over that doesn't give you a poor sensory experience, and continuing to buy the same style of clothing because you know it's safe to do so because he FEELS comfortable. super autistic trait. beloved prep trait as well i also just think he doesn't actually care what he wears but whatever

he also sometimes favours tight clothes and sometimes looser/baggier ones (think one day the s4 blue/white polo and jeans, the next a sweater and loose chinos) which indicates to me possible different sensory needs in the day by day...

he also wears a lot of undershirts, including with the scoops ahoy uniform (which could've been to avoid a POOR sensory experience)

he adjusts/runs his fingers through his hair and makes sure it's in a nice state at an almost compulsive level but it's also like an afterthought kind of. it could also just be a sensory thing to want to retouch his hair and play with it and follow through with the prior routine of it Looking Good + a grounding technique for sure

along with that he stims a LOT, including the thing where he has to twirl or throw ANYTHING in his hands up to and including -> a lighter, the baseball bat MIDFIGHT, a torch, a phone MIDFIGHT, his ice cream scooper, keys, his sailor hat, a banana, a random ball he found... he's also very fiddly and tends to sort of be happy sitting quietly and doing something over and over like that (this is also a trait with adhd :) )

the jobs he worked are relatively low intensity despite customer interaction and had him working with his hands plus at FV there's a lot of sorting/organisation. also "not my TAPES man" because he already sorted them and now it's ruined 😭

you tend to see him taking a little moment for himself in the background of scenes a lot, sometimes with robin as well!! he kind of just wanders off and does his own thing but in the wake of the high emotion, high adrenaline various combats in-show it makes sense, even more so if he just needs a little moment to himself to unwind

he walks/paces to think!!!

the reason he and robin only even threw up in season 3 is a) the stimulating lights he noticed that then b) over-stimulated them

this one's a little less obvious but he listens to the same kind of music and listens to it LOUDLY when he's stressed 😭 he also doesn't turn it off even if he like, technically should like on the way to fight monsters. i think he just likes music a lot tbh but also very autistic to me (and also a reason why he and eddie would be friends and/or kiss on the mouth)

one of the biggest things that sounds off to me is his social interactions :0 he is hailed as this like, ladies man but almost near constantly plummets to the earth in insane social blunder which personally i love actually (and it extends beyond these situations too!!). all the hottest boys are autistic...

i know that this is to show him just like, losing his charm...? and that he peaked in highschool or something and i do love his patheticness but it's also sooo autism. one of the reasons i actually think he's gay (lol) is his compulsive need to try and "land" a social interaction with a woman, then fail, while also not "feeling the spark" with the women he DID land and failing to see why (like his date at the basketball game). he's constantly seeking companionship but it feels like it's just out of his reach and he doesn't get it... sigh... and that it's definitely in part bc he feel he can't relate to them because HE'S so different i think. for whatever reason. multiple.

in season 3 the ENTIRE you rule/you suck board is like a beautiful shrine to this... he's honestly so funny . but like constantly awkwardly flirting and somehow saying the wrong thing every time whilst also not getting that they're Not responding to him until they like, leave, which is like. a statistical unlikelihood to me of times this can happen without something else going on in his little brain. i also like that he "invented" a makeout point bc that opens up the ability to just go um. let's go to skull rock. and the person would be like oh okay yes i am going to makeout with steve harrington.

beyond just girls or failed flirting or whatever a lot of his interactions with the kids or his other friends ping to me as having trouble with social cues and some accidental bluntness!! a FAVOURITE being -> "dart ate a cat?" "no. what? no." "what are you talking about? he ate mews" "who's mews?" "it's dustin's cat" "STEVE..." 😭😭 i love him. also him suggesting he could work his charm on the dean of the school and nancy being like... not that kind of charm.

oh another good moment for this is in the epilogue to season 3 actually like he's trying so hard to show he's seen Some movies (but only remembers the significant/stand out details) and then when robin's like can you give us a moment he's just like. Why. and does this funny little head shake movement. and robin does the steve -_- and he backs away kubrick staring... beautiful scene

he also falls victim i think to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time which is a lot of the time not necessarily his like FAULT ofc but suggests further little issues or . unalignmentd with social interaction. the entire 6 little nuggets speech to nancy to me is one of these situations (and maybe the convo in the woods with her?? idk) where he's kind of just talking and digging a hole and the other person is sort of just sitting there. it's also shown with like "like the germans?"

ALSO, a lot of the time people end up coming to him specifically and sort of like... telling him what to do/how HE feels?? and i think he just sort of goes along with it. in season 3 dustin tells him he has a crush on robin until he kind of talks himself into it and then he accidentally crash-fails for a second time by confessing to her at a sort of insane time as well (not that i think he actually had any feelings for her!!). and in season 4 eddie does the SAME with nancy which is almost spectacular.

alsoo while i think he struggles with certain social cues i also think he's very emotionally intelligent and he picks up on people's feelings easily which i guess someone could say it seems to counter? other autistic traits (silly) but to me i think. autistic people are aware of PLENTY of social cues sometimes the cue is just stupid -_- and i can read other people's emotions for sure in fact i'm almost like hyper attuned to it i just don't know how to RESPOND to it a lot of the time. whereas steve picks up on dustin's nerves at the snow ball and reassures him accordingly (and so cutely..), then picks up on robin's emotions after his confession and near-immediately course corrects after her confession in order to make her laugh!!! he was also really good with picking up on nancy's feelings and knowing exactly what to do about it/using forethought about it (like idk holding her hand when they were having sex or something to ease her nerves but also noticing she was upset at the library) when they were together at least 🤔

there are also a number of other various things very dear to me that i have no where else to include. LIKE:

his high pain tolerance!!! he's able to shake off torture, multiple concussions, various beatings with little to almost NO actual repercussions. in s4 it was actually really interesting how he was feeling bad enough to almost faint after the bats but once he was patched up he was "fine", and acted like he was fine for... the rest of the entire show. he did a backflip. high pain tolerance is an offshoot of a sensory dysregulation!!

specifically a lack of filter and moments where he goes "too far" especially when he's struggling with an emotional dysregulation of sorts, like with dustin in s4 or even with jonathan s1, but also like. the dumb faces he was making behind his date's back.

"when i was a baby, i crawled backwards"!!! autistic children can have different development i.e. their early CHILDHOOD development that can present itself in a variety of ways!! atypical to the norm crawling/walking is one of them (also matches up with robin taking 6 months longer to walk than other babies which she Also said to nancy and i think this is significant of something and i don't know what. maybe it's just funny. also stobin soulmates ofc).

to me, being the guy who mid plan debrief is the one saying "so let me get this straight" AND that he's the one asking the necessary questions to get everyone's minds (and in the 4th wall sense the literal plot) moving suggests that he both feels the need to want clarification of like, plans/instructions and what the situation is so everyone is caught up and he didn't get it wrong, and that just speaking it aloud helps cement it in his mind (which is also scripting as well i believe). also his ability to ask the RIGHT "wrong" questions suggests out of-the-box thinking as well (i would say both of these are also an adhd trait!)

his friendship with robin is honestly a point for me LOL. robin is an example of a character i do believe IS intentionally absolutely autistic coded, especially in season 4 but also 3, and his bond with her seems to be a personal one based in trust in each other and their own similarities... in season 4 when they're lamenting their love lives and say they should "just combine" is so important to me.. ugh

he's very particular and possessive about his belongings in an almost pedantic way (c'mon man not my SCOOPER! and wipe your feet before you get in my CAR and honestly even that he refuses to let max drive it fullstop, a little bit)

he also ate. SO many bananas at scoops i think for a time being it ended up being a safe food which literally happened to me as well. a very small thing but i like it

he scripts!! ie he repeats words and phrases aloud as a form of stimulation and getting himself to think or practices what he's going to say before things so he's "scripting" it (his "i'm sorry wtf am i sorry for" speech before he runs into dustin in s2)

he gets along better people who, by majority, aren't in his peer group i.e. the kids!!! and even robin and nancy were a little younger! he is very genuinely friends with the kids and it is Very Genuinely so sweet, but particularly with dustin too i found it sooo... <3

he also shows like these moments of high-intensity like silly child-like qualities of (autistic) joy LIKE when he sees dustin in scoops and they have their little lightsaber fight (which they. had practiced and made beforehand) that is just so sweet to me...

he picks up on things that other people don't!!! as the Normal Guy in a group of people he typically ends up settling in that role BUT he's multiple times picked up on small details that other people don't or DIDN'T notice, which is a neurodivergent trait!! he recognised the song in the russian recording, recalled where it came from like. right after + was the only one who heard dustin in the upside down + other things like noticing when someone's missing from a room

i also think he may be prone to like. i guess sensory overload/emotional dysregulation when he reacts what i think is appropriately to these HUGE scary scenarios but everyone else is like chill out and therefore it's inappropriate to them that he's losing his mind about it. but as time passes and he gets used to it all it lessens for sure (most evident in season 1) but there are moments where he struggles to reign in his truest reactions to things i think LOL. he is also just very dramatic tbf ☝️

his other vague neuroticisms but specifically commenting when things aren't Correct or Right or Safe including complaining about the sterility of the needle he was being injected with mid TORTURE

when he defaults to sports metaphors bc that's the easiest thing he can relate to in s2. god

100% of autistic people i talk to about this all go OH YEAH he's so autistic. tbh i think autistic people relating to a character can be enough of a diagnosis to me. peer diagnosis...

i just think so :)

in conclusion...

[brujaluas]

TAROT READING - WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR, THE UNIVERSE WANTS TO SAY

Disclaimer: Don't blame me for maybe not listening to something you'd like to hear, english is not my first language so there may be spelling mistakes, I'm sorry

CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITE ART

PILE 1

I see that you have a tendency to take hasty actions and act too much in the heat of emotion, without thinking much about the future. I see that you are going to experience a very prosperous moment in your life, even if you don't believe it at the moment, because I feel that some are going through difficult moments…

I see there needs to be closure, the universe asks you to put an end to something, something needs to be left behind and I feel most people know what I'm talking about. you need to protect yourself energetically, because I feel that in the future you may have a bit of heavy energy to deal with, someone may disappoint you and you may end up going on unpleasant dates, that's why you need to control your personality and your actions, so as not to fall into provocations. this is no time to sabotage yourself.

PILE 2

things are hard, right baby? I feel that you have been very strong and have endured things that you would not have thought you could, your faith, more than ever, is being put to the test. I can't tell you that you will have very happy moments in the next few weeks, but some things will change.

I feel that you went through a very strong disappointment, or even a surgery, which caused you a lot of pain, something not healed has been keeping you up at night, for some who identified with this pile, I see that you have remained strong like a tree. your mind is very confused, as if you didn't know what to think at the moment, because there are a lot of transient things, a very serious commitment will be made with you in the future. take care of yourself, your physical health may be in need of real attention, keeping you praying a lot and staying away from people who have been feeding on your energy. need to remember that this suffering will be temporary.

PILE 3

you've been dreaming a lot, right? some have already tried to practice the law of attraction, even though they don't have much experience, I also see that they can fall in love with a person, but beware, even if in the next few weeks you have a lot of love to give and receive, and many achievements to accomplish, don't stay too stuck in idealizations, remember that the universe did not go according to what you always wanted.

have you been feeling better? I need to tell you that the spiritual guides that accompany you have given you a lot of love or want to give you a lot of love, thank them, because there is a very affectionate energy here, you may be meeting someone who left you in the clouds or if you haven't met them yet met, I see a person with a lot of love to give you, he will have the feel novel you read in books, I say books because I feel that there are many readers who are fans of period novels here in this pile, but beware of illusions, remember- if in the world not everything is happiness or flowers, I'm not throwing cold water, I'm just trying to let you know that sometimes someone can act differently than you expect and that doesn't mean that person is bad, or the universe can give you something that doesn't moment you can not understand, but do not be discouraged.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Your next birthday"

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read about your next birthday and what may happen for you on that day (or in relation to that day). for some of you, the reading could also refer to the start of your new life, your new self, a new cycle: so yes it could be an actual birthday or just a figurative one (see accordingly to your situation).

side note. blame red velvet for posting the mv for their "birthday" song the day I wondered about making a pac with this subject lol. this aside, my wish is to try to make you smile and hopefully not spoiler too much but still make you excited about good things coming exactly for you, to celebrate you.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. remember things can always change and you're in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 - 2 3 - 4

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pile 1

Pile 1, I'm super excited and I honestly cannot wait to start your reading so here I am. I think things on your birthday will go extremely well and unexpectedly, like there's gonna be some kind of surprise, also from the Universe. Just keep being optimistic and think for the better (no fake positivity, be positive about that day and yourself, especially if it's a day you don't enjoy particularly. You deserve some type of celebration no matter if you think the opposite or that you're a failure: you're not). My heart chakra is opening (I almost wrote it with an H? "Hope" is your word. Or maybe "happening"). I think a good news will come for you, maybe even just the wishes of someone unexpected (maybe from your past) or you'll get to celebrate with your fav people (or new ones you love and love you back). It's gonna be a very successful day for you (maybe also concretely, not just emotionally: like you may get some improvement in your finances). TBH it feels like you've asked for something to the moon, maybe a wish or a manifestation, and she's bringing it to you. It's gonna be the start of a new life experience, and even if you cannot see it now, it's gonna sign the start of your transformation into your best self; your life is entirely transforming with you. Be positive about it and trust. You will be able to see the whole picture soon but remember every good path must be walked step by step, especially when we cannot see much of it. Your Guides are by your side, and you have all that you need to start this journey. Remember to take care of yourself and don't eat too much or stress too much: take a breath, take your time. You don't have to rush anything, you have time to do everything slowly. You have time (x2). It's gonna be okay. You're gonna get back what you gave. Start having faith and believing in yourself and Universe. And be patient please: rushing things, being impatient, will only cause you more pain. Trust. It's all okay.

songs: funny happy birthday song*; god gave me you | blake shelton; still | brian mcknight *channeled in my mind. don't listen to this one if you aren't feeling too well? (even if it's just pure irony about life and lol this could be for me as well thanks guides). honestly it could be your mood talking (are you a little sad, depressed, lonely? or indeed you don't like much about your birthday as it makes you think about the negative sides of your life. don't worry you have time to make it better and I think this is the right one)

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pile 2

Your reading is really something: y'all need to chill lol; beware of the TW signs btw. You're gonna be at the center of the attention, pile 2. As it's supposed to be on your day. I think it may be a passionate day too, or even a romantic one for some of you (especially if you have a romantic partner, they may take you out on a special date or even vacation/trip). It's gonna be emotionally fulfilling; probably, again for some, even physically (no details, sorry it's a reading for everyone). You may be going to a club with your friends (and maybe find or meet someone interesting there) or just simply enjoy your time dancing at home or in any other place (see the songs' section for further infos), cause music and dancing stand out a lot here. You may be doing a lot on your day, like you're booked by your friends, partner, family, colleagues, school/class mates... or even you have plan to celebrate a bit by yourself as well, maybe shopping or going to a spa or something. I feel like you'll need to take a break at some point (but for a good cause lol y'all reckless). Yeah, on that day your only goal is gonna be to have fun and enjoy, whatever that means for you. Being a collective reading, there's gonna be people focusing on themselves and maybe partying with friends and family, and others partying a lot more... you name it. But you're gonna have fun the way you like it, that's for sure. And maybe meet someone too, as I said (ofc only for some, not those in a relationship though). [TW alcohol mention] Beware of not drinking too much cause you may get an headache and that's not what you want (even if it's your day and you want and deserve to celebrate, try to stay balanced -don't wanna sound as your mom but that's a message I got) [/TW]. Also, it's okay if you need to get out to breathe some fresh air, it'll help. You may meet someone there (for a few). Again lot of passion and emotions, you may be trying to improvise something or do something you haven't done before like dancing on a stage in a club, getting attention, and being happy about it. You're totally feeling it. You will dominate your day and enjoy. And you'll take every chances you're gonna be offered, like you're going to start seeing things differently on that day: even something you would have never done (e.g. dancing alone) could bring you something good (e.g. someone you like's attention).

songs: music* | madonna; worship | years & years; because of you | ne-yo (18+) *channeled in my mind (my guides on fire today). I think there might be music involved, dancing with your friends (you may hit a club), or even dancing with your partner (both actual dance or figurative. Now this is a reading for everyone so no details)

’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 3

Your birthday is gonna be luxurious. You're gonna be the star but differently from the 2nd pile, your energy is more "elegant" (pass me the word, even if it's not right... uhm, reserved? Yeah, kind of). Like, you may be throwing a party and you're ofc gonna be the center of the attention, opening the gifts and all, but you won't be loosing yourself too much. You'll take car eof your guests too, helping them having fun, offering good food, music, planning nice games... I feel grace from you and... you seem composed, regal. You may even wear a small crown and have a white dress. You're the empress, basically. I think something fated or unexpected may happen on that day. Maybe you want to travel somewhere or someone from abroad may come visit you: whatever that is, you're gonna get that. You're gonna get ticket for your dream place or your desire of seeing this person will be manifested. It's gonna be a very happy moment, you'll be moved to tears of happiness. I do feel there's a wish of yours you may have confessed to someone, just a few people though. You're gonna get that even if you won't understand how or why. Maybe, you'll feel like you're not deserving of that. That's not true: your Guides want to take care of you, and also your friends (or the people you confessed this dream of yours) want to celebrate you, so stop self betraying yourself and go on wishing whatever it is that you want. You may even get it. (BTW be open to receiving: it's not up to you to decide if you deserve a gift or not. Let the Universe decide, it knows better and can read you objectively, even when you don't). You can talk with someone in the 3d or ask to the Universe/Guides, you can write (as a Santa's letter), you can hold your vision in your mind... just let your heart be open and stop letting the past hold you back: you can get out of that rut/cycle. End it by being open (with thos eyou trust though: not everyone will want your best, remember that. Trust your guts. even if your Guides are protecting you, just beware). Also, if you don't think your birthday is gonna go well, remember you can make it anyway you want it to be. Ask your Guides for support and positive vibes, and just plan to do something for yourself. You have no idea what can happen the moment you give out some good vibes in the Universe.

songs: imagine | ariana grande; just an illusion | imagination; i love u | the chainsmokers sorry no mind-channeled song for you but I added a 3rd one anyway :)

’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 4

Your birthday seems freeing. In particular from some kind of weight, maybe even from your past. You're gonna feel relieved. Happy. Calm and content. Serene. I see someone dancing with their arms open in the sun (could be in winter or spring). You're gonna be playful, joyful, maybe even start running around as you haven't done in a while. It's gonna feel like a real new start. You have confidence, you're strong, you know you can do anything and be anyone you want. You'll feel poweful, but not prideful. You'll know it, and that's gonna be enough. You will enjoy your day, alone or with some friends, you'll probably even gift yourself something (some free time, a walk, music, a book...): well done, you deserve that kind of self love and appreciation. You cannot see it now, but there's gonna be a miraculous change in your life, even through a message or news. All very sudden but all very fated. Maybe a fated meeting... could be different things for each of you. But it's gonna be a beautiful surprise, just for you. A great new start, maybe in love or in your creativity. It's a farewell to the old, a total change from what has been, a total complete goodbye to the old cycle. And it's gonna feel so beautifully liberating inside. You know and are aware that you can trust your Guides and inner cycle of friends/fam/people to support you and even if now you can't see much of it, just know that deep inside you're already changing toward that energy. Start looking at what you have, not what you miss, be grateful, embark on this journey knowing your worth and all you have, and remember that things can always change for the better. And you'll be able to receive too. Believe in magic and in your abilities. Start looking inside of yourself and putting a light onto your darkness. You know you can embrace it and make it better. You are that powerful. You don't need to be scared of it, you can hug it, and make it something different from what it's supposed to be. Take care of yourself and remember things may go well even when they seem to (or you perceive them as) go in a negative way. Or you struggle to find the positive side. After your day though, you'll be able to see all this and stop the negative to get to you too much. (angel number 1551) Some of you may come from other piles or you may be attracted to other piles too. Cannot see much more about the actual celebration (or maybe you just like to keep a low profile and spend time by yourself or e.g. meet with a couple of friends for a coffee), I think things may still change and be different for many of you, or the surprise may make the whole day... just know it's gonna be and feel good.

songs: unbelievable | craig david; silver spoon | bts; rescue me | ultra sorry no mind-channeled song for you but I added a 3rd one anyway :)

[fellthemarvelous]

Warning: I use sarcasm when making points.

I have things to say. (And I'm going to be extremely snarky while saying them.)

Y'all, I love Crowley just as much as anyone else, but the way some people think that defending Crowley means it's necessary to villainize Aziraphale is just gross.

Yeah, Crowley is super easy to sympathize with. We all care about him.

But like...some of these Aziraphale hate takes are insane. (And no, haters, I don't actually want to hear from you unless you want to give me even more fodder to work with.)

"Aziraphale shows compassion for everyone except Crowley." (Actual footage from the very first episode, just to name one example, but okay. I guess sheltering someone who was supposed to be his mortal enemy under his wing was a senseless act of cruelty.)

"Aziraphale doesn't love Crowley." (Wait, I totally utilize my heart eyes for people I don't love too!!)

"Aziraphale has never actually trusted Crowley." (They only helped save the world together though. Weird. And then there was that time in 1941 where he trusted that Crowley wouldn't shoot him in the face while their miracles weren't working.)

"Even in second season when Crowley says "I'm a demon, I lied" Aziraphale doesn't think of Crowley's pain, he was busy being sad for himself. Before this Aziraphale even says "I'm like you now" as if being demon is worse thing than killing innocent children and animals." (Whatever the hell this is.)

This one is just really special. Congratulations on walking into the point and somehow missing it at the same time? That's exactly what makes the system so fucked up in the first place and why Crowley doesn't tell anyone that Aziraphale lied to Heaven. This moment wasn't about Crowley. It was about Aziraphale. Crowley knows the pain and trauma that comes with falling and he doesn't want Aziraphale to experience that?? Aziraphale is allowed to be scared and sad because like, I don't know if you know this, but when you've been indoctrinated into blind obedience, going against the grain is actually really fucking scary because the punishment is terrifying. This is why so many religious abuse survivors relate to Aziraphale?? Also, a demon like Hastur would have killed the animals and the children, so....

"I can not in my sane mind think that Crowley could ever trust Aziraphale with his trauma. He would never share anything that was done to him. Because chances are if he did, he would just be invalidated and belittled. Or worse, he would have been blamed even for it since he is a demon and that's what he deserves (which Crowley already believes to be true)." (What?!?!?!)

Aziraphale, most compassionate and kindest angel there is, would mock Crowley's pain? The same Aziraphale who has been mocked and abused (verbally, mentally and physically) by his superiors would turn around and do the same thing to Crowley when Crowley is the only one who has ever understood him? Aziraphale, the angel who gave the demons a chance to walk away from his bookshop without being hurt, would mock Crowley? Aziraphale, the same angel who had to sit there and listen to Shax mock him and belittle him relentlessly while he protected Jimbriel, would invalidate Crowley?

"Aziraphale only loves Crowley as an angel and not a demon." (Yeah, look how disgusted he is...planning a whole ball just so he could hold hands and dance with his demon. Eww.)

"When Crowley asks for the holy water instead of asking for why he needed something that was so dangerous he immediately jumps to conclusions and then hurts Crowley even more."

I mean other than the fact that we saw what happened to Ligur in season one when he got doused with the holy water, I can't imagine why Aziraphale would be so hesitant to hand something like that over to the love of his life. And he finally did hand it over, knowing he would never be able to forgive himself if Crowley did use it to end his own existence. Not to mention that Hell actually did plan to kill Crowley with holy water at the end of season 1. I would totally jump at the chance to give someone I love something incredibly dangerous to them, but I guess I'm built differently. 🙃 And who cares about Aziraphale's feelings on the subject anyway, am I right?

"Crowley has no reason to trust Aziraphale." (I know right? Aside from the time Aziraphale gave him the holy water even though it scared him or the time he used a human magic trick to save Crowley from having to go back to Hell again or the time he protected Crowley's identity by playing along with Bildad the Shuhite so Heaven wouldn't know he was actually a demon or all the times Aziraphale has offered Crowley sanctuary in his bookshop or when they performed their half miracle together or when they literally swapped bodies.)

"Aziraphale chose Heaven over Crowley because he thinks Crowley is beneath him." (I mean he sacrificed his own happiness to go back to Heaven too, but why bother exploring that when we can all just hate Aziraphale for doing what he thinks is the right thing to do? What even are shades of grey?)

Like I get it. I do. Aziraphale leaving was very upsetting because we wanted to see the Ineffable Husbands get their happy ending. But whenever I see people talk about how rejected Crowley feels, like Aziraphale feels rejected too. You get that, right? And I'm not saying he was right for asking Crowley to go back and become an angel again, but he wants Crowley to be safe and he mistakenly believed it would be that easy.

Just because Aziraphale has a lot to learn doesn't mean he's wrong for going back. Just because Aziraphale has flaws doesn't mean he's bad. Crowley isn't the only one suffering and heartbroken.

And we all saw that the Metatron gave him no time to begin grieving over what just happened. Instead Aziraphale turned around, put a smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes, and stepped onto the elevator because he is going to try and make changes even if he has to do it all alone.

How would revolutions get started if people saw no point in trying to change things for the better?

I leaned into bitch mode in this post. It happens.

[lefluoritesys]

My sibling in system (disorder holder & fictive) really wants me to do this post, but they barely have any words, so here we go:

We see a lot of systems struggle with big decision-making IRL because not everybody is on board, and we realized that trying to have everybody on board is probably the worst thing we have ever tried in the history of our systemhood. And I'm saying this as the alter who also dug too deep into our trauma and almost became Elsa in the depths Ahtohallan. Moreover, we're also polyfragmented. After a long and painful time of trying to figure our decision-making as a system, we have finally come up with some tips that might be useful for some other systems:

Ask your active fronters instead of all your alters. This might work best for polyfragmented systems but still works for smaller systems, too. Yes, active fronters and frequent fronters can change after a while, but it's still better to do what's best for you all npw and what you all want now than think about the possibilities of the future that haven't happened yet. Unless they are like life and death or extremely harmful to y'all, however, it's always necessary to take precautions.

Compromise is not supposed to please everybody 100%. Compromise is supposed to find a solution that 1) You all don't hate as much, 2) Will keep you safe. As long as others agree by at least 50%, the compromise is good. If you find other options, and they please everybody more, then by all means, go for it. But as long as it's safe, and all of you agree by at least a half (or, well, 50%), then that's a good compromise. Perfect solutions don't exist. Not always, at least. At the end of the day, you will still disagree with each other on little things, even if the plan feels and/or is perfect.

Your system structure, ideology, and hierarchy really do decide how you make decisions. There is literally no perfect advice for you out there, not even this post. Some systems have a host, and everything heavily depends on their decisions and how they are affected by what's going to happen. Some systems don't have a host but have a group of people at front who are in charge. Some systems are partial DID systems, some systems are class systems. It's always going to be different. Just because some tips work for some systems doesn't mean they should absolutely work for you.

Create polls if they work for you. Polls might work. Grab a system journal and tell everyone there's an active poll and get their answers (Simply Plural provides that option).

Writing a list of wants and desires. Your alters has a dream? Have them right it down (with consent) and consider it in your next big decision. Or just a decision. Maybe your alter wants chips, and you go out the next day, so you're like, "Oh yeah, lemme buy chips on the way home for them."

Writing a list of pros and cons. Cliché, I know. And gotta admit, never tried it ourselves just yet. But if we did, we'd probably write a general list of pros and cons, then letting our trauma holders and active fronters add some stuff that they want.

Speaking of your trauma holders, listen to your goddamn trauma holders. LISTEN TO THEM. If there's one type of alters who know more about your life and potentially you more than you do, it's your trauma holders. They know what they're talking about. They are not imagining it (this was said due to personal experience and not as an attack). It was, in fact, that bad, and even if you don't believe that, believe them when they say it. If a trauma holder says to get away from somebody or someone, hear them out. Do not dismiss them but have a conversation with them and understand that their opinion on the matter is important. It really helps to put things in perspective.

If you make the decision that will not affect you long-term, hold responsibility for that decision. Hold responsibility always, obviously, but I mean alter-wise. Alert others about it, or front long enough until that decision stops affecting you. Have a safety net in the form of your alters.

Always have a safety net IRL, too. Friends, maybe immediate family if possible, lover, partner system. Know where the nearest hospitals and fire departments are, write down all the emergency numbers. We ourselves created a list on our system notion page where we have names and emergency contacts of the people who we can turn to in case of a crisis, as well as local crisis lines. We also add notes about whether or not we can bring up the system around these people. Even if it's something small, better be prepared than dead (I am well aware a lot of you want to fight me on this, but you know what I mean, no dying. /t /nm)

Will this work for every system? No. But it works for ours. /ref

-host

[lostinvasileios]

im very sorry for asking this and please ignore it if its too much but,

have you.... ever been... su1c1d4l during your journey? did it... i dont know, ever make your deities feel... disrespected? like, you cant stop feeling so depressed and hopless and it just sort of hurts them? something like that? im sorry i dont know how to phrase it

thank you for reading this im so sorry if it triggered you or anything

Greetings, sweetbee. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, please, don't feel worried about reaching out to someone about this. I'm happy to help. 🩷🩷

Okay, so... Baby bee, it doesn't hurt deities when you feel depressed. When you battle suicidal thoughts. Or anything else that falls under those categories. Self harm, abusive environments, ect. They don't expect you to live for them, they don't expect you to suddenly become happy and for your mental illnesses &/or struggles to just pop out of existence because you're now worshiping or practicing.

Because they understand it.

I believe gods were once human a few times. I believe that gods understand the conditions, the harm, the - well - everything. They aren't going to approach your vulnerability with demands.

Now... I did struggle with it. I still do from time to time. I dealt with suicidal thoughts and depression since I was in the 2nd grade. And, in no way did it ever... Harmfully impact my relationship with my deities. My self harming never made them disgusted, they never judged me for the ways I'd cope, for the triggers I had, for the needs they met during my toughest times.

Yes, you can live for a deity or deities. I actually do it. It saved my life. But it's optional. And they won't feel - betrayed, or something like that because you cannot say with certainty you'll live for them. That you'll survive for them.

I didn't have a reason to keep living, I didn't see one. And that's why my deities became it. That's why we swore it to one another. Not out of obligation, not out of fear of them being hurt from otherwise.

In my experience, the only hurt I've seen from my deities regarding my mental issues and ect, was - well - the pain it caused me. It pained them to see me in pain. But it didn't make them want to leave me, it didn't make them irritated or feel disrespected because I cried in their presence. They didn't feel disrespected when I had so many fears and doubts that I for a long time couldn't even believe they were really... Real.

Deities know the difference from fear, from sorrow and pain speech, to disrespect and blatant hateful speech. They know your intentions, even if you yourself do not.

It can hurt your deities when they witness their beloved going through such a hard time. When they see them going through abuse, torment, and inflicting that pain on themselves, or seeing it as they deserved it/ect.

Deities want you to live a life that makes you happy, that's - healthy and loving for you. For your soul. They don't want to see their loved devotee/practitioner off themselves, to cut or starve themselves, to punish themselves for what other people did to them or what they feel is deserving of doing so. If that makes sense. They want to help. To be there. To try and let you see that you are lovable, that there is a life out there for you, that - you're worth it.

Apollon witnessed my depression firsthand when I started practicing. He didn't scowl at me when I was crying my heart out. Snotting and gasping, just - being a very big mess in front of him. He didn't see me as weak or as disrespectful. In fact, I've found out that deities - enjoy it. Well, not seeing you so upset, of course. But they enjoy that you trust them enough to do that with them.

To let yourself be so - raw. To feel these deep, stabbing emotions around them. From what I've experienced, they love being able to comfort their sweet ones. They love being able to tenderly hold them and shower them in kisses &/or kind words. To - reassure them.

Apollon listened to my vents night after night, he held my hands and let me know I was heard. I was - seen. I was loved.

Despite how much I feared love, despite how much I thought nobody would ever be able to understand, my deities showed me just that. Understanding, love, care, gentleness, and everything else I thought I never deserved. Especially not from beings so beautiful and perfect in my eyes.

You don't need to be scared to show your emotions around your deities. To show them your wounds. To - show them your pain. Just as, you don't need to be afraid to show them your happiness. Your interests. Your safe spaces.

Your deities want to be there for you, I promise. 🌼

[notmorbid]

still born.

dialogue prompts from still born by guadalupe nettel. this book deals directly with infant loss / illness.

nothing will happen to you while i'm here.

in friendships like ours, there's no room for hypocrisy.

they say that violence begets violence.

the more we love a person, the more fragile and insecure we feel because of them.

if you disappeared, a part of me would go with you.

i can't take any more of you.

can i bum one off you?

what was it like to live with ____?

i didn't come here to argue with you.

i've got you to love. i don't need anyone else.

can you talk? i need to tell you something.

it's a long story. you'll need to pay attention. do you have time now?

did you just get back from school?

i just went for a walk around the block.

why don't we go to the park this afternoon?

i talk to myself, too.

did anyone tell you what happened?

what did i do wrong?

there's nothing like looking at a lake to calm one's thoughts.

do you mind if i smoke?

i promise you i won't leave until it's better.

the city is full of dangerous people.

i can't imagine what it would feel like to be in your place.

there's no word for a parent who loses a child.

did you used to play in the street when you were little?

it's not healthy to wallow in pain.

what should i have done differently?

i can't keep explaining it over and over again.

talking about it made me feel better.

anger is nothing but a screen for avoiding pain.

you're totally unreadable.

you're smoking again?

being a mother means being worried about someone else all the time.

love and common sense are not always compatible.

some music fuses with our selves, we've listened to it so much.

cohabitation is one of the hardest experiences to survive.

i wouldn't mind a vodka tonic.

some people are more awake at night.

what did you used to like doing before you shut yourself in?

i don't want kids, even adopted ones.

you forgot how to be happy.

there's nothing for you here. go away.

it's easier to blame others for what we can't tolerate in ourselves.

you look like you've gone back in time.

you can spend the day with me.

it's not right, but sometimes it's worth doing.

what i want is for you to stop meddling in my life.

i need to know so i can help you.

it's as if ____ needs to suck my life force to grow.

all i feel is worn out.

normal mothers don't think those kinds of things, do they?

i'm not sure 'normal mothers' exist.

you'll judge me. you always do.

there are people who consider misfortune an infectious disease.

we tend to see our mother's mistakes as the source of all our problems.

you're always questioning the past.

if you don't leave home, you suffocate. if you go too far, you lose oxygen.

from hereon in, anything that happens is a bonus.

i'm here to help you, not to fight you.

i like to say things straight.

there's always a way to renegotiate debt.

i can't believe you hid this from me. it's like staying quiet when there's a fire in the house.

you're not on your own. we're a family now.

i ask myself why you stay sometimes, too.

are we going to stay like this for the rest of our lives?

blood ties don't guarantee anything.

the biological family is something that's been imposed on us. there's no reason we should settle for that if it doesn't work for us.

i can't stand being in my head.

is it your voice in your head, or someone else's?

what do you do when your thoughts bother you?

you've got space inside you where you can go and hide.

we have the children that we have, not the ones we imagined we'd have.

what could someone so young know about despair?

don't leave my side for a minute.

i feel like an absolute worm.

do you think you'll be able to fall in love again?

don't be nervous. whatever has to happen will happen. no one gets out of that.

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

sometimes I just get angry.

yeah whatever, but I just get SEETHINGLY angry.

because sometimes people talk about children with insecure body images, like they are the reason they are insecure.

sometimes people say they hate when curious little kids ask them questions.

sometimes people tell kids they are useless and stupid and they can’t know anything.

sometimes they act like all children are pure little angels who the moment they are exposed to something bad they are evil and impure.

sometimes I see people yell and scream at their kids for nothing, and hit them and pull them.

sometimes I hear parents call their kids disgusting disappointments to their faces and act like they can’t hear it.

sometimes I see meek scared anxious kids get so scared and wary around adults it makes me wanna cry.

I hate how people treat kids, I hate it so fucking much.

I know better than to listen to fuckers talk like they are devils spawn or only pure and innocent when they decide to.

I hate them so much, and I just want the kids to be okay.

to this day, I keep talking to suicidal 10yr olds.

to this day I talk with victims of child sexual abuse.

to this day I talk to neglected kids.

to this day I listen, and I comfort them.

To this day I feel only hatred and disappointment and disgust towards our world’s government. The people in these kids lives, the authorities, and the world.

because, I;ve heard this phrase once too many times

“Thank you for caring about me”

just, thank you. I’m not even there in real life, I’m not. I’m not anything, I’m just telling them it’s going to be okay.

and they thank me for listening, they THANK ME.

why, why do I need to be thanked?

why am I the only one who sees them suffering?

they go to school, they have friends. They have neighbors and local businesses, they have cops and social services.

and yet, none of them saw these kids.

none of them listened, none of them cared.

and I sit here fucking sobbing sometimes, just fucking crying.

because I know that I was the only one who cared.

the, only one in their miserable lives who looked and saw someone hurting and cared enough to ask what was wrong.

and I cry, and I cry.

because how else do I deal with that?

how else do I deal with the utter fucking disgusting disappointment.

that. I was the only one who cared.

how, how is that fair to them?

how is that fair to ANYONE!

how is this okay? How is this okay????

I’ve been through a lot, but these kids have gone through so much worse than me.

and they are suffering, and it makes me fucking cry.

how do people let this happen?

because I just cannot let it go, I fucking hate the FBI they have done nothing to help none of these kids.

I fucking hate the police who do NOTHING FOR THESE KIDS

I fucking hate the foster system who allows them to relive their fucking nightmares.

I fucking hate the social workers who don’t follow up, who don’t ask questions, who don’t do anything.

I fucking hate them all.

I live with the pain so many kids have bared to me, I will take their secrets to my grave, I will hold their memories with such kind hands.

but I do not believe in people who say they care about kids. Then say they think they are stupid, or don’t know anything, or are too young to experience or understand mature things.

fuck this shit, if I had a chance and I’d fucking rip some people’s faces of and grind their bones into bonemeal and make bread with it.

the utter HATRED IN MY SOUL, does not outweigh the love in my heart for these kids.

I will die for them, I would always die for the,. I’d always help them, I will never stop fighting for them.

I don’t think anyone fucking understands these kids.

(Not really I’m just being angry)

but every single day I want to bathe in their blood, god.

I want them to suffer like the kids they let get hurt.

but that’s not something I can do, or want to do.

I’m just disappointed and distraught.

I have done so much, and yet it’s not enough.

I won’t stop fighting, I won’t stop caring, I won’t stop anything,

these kids deserve better than anything, and I will die for them.

I will die, I want them to be okay and I hope they are.

I hope me caring about them helped.

I hope they have the strength to live, I hope they don’t feel evil for not being an innocent child anymore.

I hope they are safe now, I hope they are okay.

but. I’ll never know.

and that scares me, that makes me fucking wanna vomit.

I don’t know, I will never know.

and it hurts, I dedicate a small part of my soul for each of these kids and it aches with guilt and grief.

they only deserve love, and I hope they get it.

I’m sorry this rant is a mess, but it’s just something that’s always on my mind.

because, you have no idea how deeply people and society hates children.

because if they didn’t, I wouldn’t have so so so many stories of kids being tortured and abused, and burned, and strangled, and cut, and thrown, and killed and dead.

I love these kids more than life itself, but I can’t do anything.

my heart is broken and I am fucking guilty for how little I can help.

and I can’t do anything more than listen and care, I am not fucking soft. I am the strongest willed person, but these kids break my soul.

and I only want to give them something anything, and all I can give is hope.

I hope these kids are okay, I’m fucking sobbing.

I’m just so fucking frustrated for how much i’m brushed off.

how much I try, and how little no one cares.

and by fucking hell, is it just awful.

I am sent into a RAGE at people saying this shit, a blinding rage.

I want to fucking hurt them, it’s just not okay to say that about kids.

I want to HURT THEM, they tell them they can’t know they are abused.

I WANT TO FUCKING KILL THEM

I hate these people who act like children are some kind of mythological BEAST that is only good when it’s tame.

I want to fucking rip those people’s hearts out, I am so done.

this life is too tough for them, I will literally fucking punch them in the face and spit on them.

I do not believe in this shit, I cannot believe them.

I would break my heart and be punch and bitten by those kids before ever abusing or hating them.

I will try so hard, so so very hard to become someone that kids can be safe around.

because it breaks my fucking heart.

I want to fucking rip somebody’s throat out.

the next time I hear someone say

“oh the kids shouldn’t know what sex is”

“the kids don’t need to be taught internet safety”

”why teach kids about abuse”

”we shouldn’t tell kids about sexual abuse”

”we shouldn’t tell kids about what to do if they are in a abusive situation”

”kids shouldn’t know what rape is”

“Kids shouldn’t talk to adults”

”kids should only talk to other kids”

or any variation of that I hope people know.

you are the fucking problem, you ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

I will literally never forgive you, I don’t care how against your morals it is.

you are hurting so many children with your ideas.

kids should know mature things, kids should know what to do when those things happen, kids should feel safe and not have to fear consequences for trying to get help.

I want kids to be safe, and that involves letting go of this idea that they are stupid, that they are dumb and horrible.

it’s embracing they are actual people with LIVES, not some prop, or nothing.

an person exactly like you, just younger.

they are just small people, they are just people.

they need love and care and community.

and they do not get it.

if you have listened to kids, or know kids.

you will know how heavily they rely on each other.

they have such strong bonds and dreams, and I’m so proud of them.

let go of this stupid idea that kids don’t know anything, they are smart creatives, and wonderful people.

and I’ll die for them