#sometimes it's cuz of the anxiety
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i think it's nice how tengoku's the first game but also still manages to be v good. the second best rhythm heaven. i mean the second best rhythm heaven is fan club 2 but i mean you know what i mean-
#puppy rambles#rhythm hell#tengoku#ds has all three of the best games :3 dj school fan club 2 and rockers. my beloveds#n fourth best is love lab n idk what fifth best is tbh. rhythm rally or lockstep or smth idk#ds has lots of good games-#i also really love cosmic dance. tengoku has v v good games. cosmic dance n rap women n bon odori are all v good#i don't care about rap men super much honestly. it's fun but. rap women is an improvement in every way#rhythm heaven has a severe lack of lesbians. i mean every rhythm heaven girl is lesbian tbh. or mspec#that's true for everyone actually. i mean. not lesbian but gay in general. i am probably not making sense rn-#do i ever make sense tho fdsljfdlksflsdfjfsd-#my brain just always says things in like. the least straightforward way. if there's an easy way i can say something then i like#don't do that#probably cuz of the audhd. everything is because of the autism or the adhd or both#sometimes it's cuz of the anxiety#it's a roulette really-
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#So rn my parents are overseas at this gathering with family friends#And one of them got married + had a kid 11 weeks ago#All of this in the span of less than a year btw#And he’s 15 years older than me but rlly fun etc the kind of guy that feels at most 6-7 years older yk#And it feels wildddd cuz he was the rlly like mischievous (?) Kind of guy in our friend group#and it felt a bit weird to know he was expecting a kid since I found out a few months back but today my mum told me her name and everything#And I’m feeling super weird again like I can’t imagine him as a serious responsible dad buckling down yk#But also he can be serious when he needs to be so that coupled with his sense of humour means he’s going to be a great dad in sure#But it’s making me rethink whether or not I want to have kid(s)#maybe it’s just vanity but I feel like pregnancy would rlly wreck my body both looks and health wise#Like that is 9 months of commitment idk if I can handle it 😭😭😭#but sometimes i daydream abt what it would be like to have kids with the guy im 90% sure I’ll be marrying in like 7 years#and it makes me feel soooooo. like I want to do all that with him#and I feel like he would be level headed enough to help me through wtv insecurity or anxiety I’m feeling now#Idk idk#personal
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"the only kind of girl they see is a one night or a wife" and "i gave my blood sweat and tears for this" and "like i'd be saved by a perfect kiss" and "something different bloomed, writing in my room" and "he wanted a bride, i was making my own name, chasing my fame" like what’s not clickinggggg she’s saying hey soooo once again can you guys stop acting like me getting married would be the pinnacle of my life and the most fulfilling thing to happen to me instead of, oh idk, how fulfilling the complete realization of my dreams was and then how fulfilling all that I’ve achieved beyond what I could have ever dreamed was after that? I mean it’s just a massive empire I built myself purely off my own talent and a few corny jokes and is the culmination of my life’s work and everything I’ve ever wanted and although it has its ups and downs I have and will choose it every time, whether i'm 15 or 35, over any romance cuz this career and fame and recognition for my talent is my one true love in life and not being some guys wife, or whatever.
#like there’s something deeply and inherently misogynistic and misguided about what you think life is about#if you feel bad for Taylor cuz she is successful sometimes at the expense of romantic love#way to force gender roles on a woman and be like#UGH she soooooo sad if she went off and got married and had a family and a quiet life she’d finallt find happiness#LIKE DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF???????#they always say it's funny how only women are workaholics!!!#but men are ambitious!#do we have to revisit firstwave feminism again????#just cuz she’s sad about it sometimes or experiences depression or anxiety doesn’t mean#she hates it?????#success can be and is more fulfilling than romantic love for soooo many women like.... she's not some sad lonely pathetic figure lmao#and that's just as fulfilling take your family values bulllshit and leave her alone byeeeeeeeeee#it is still a love story but not love for a person#romantic love pales in comparison to the kind of power she wields i promise you that
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i get why anons don't want their name to be associated with their hate but for the life of me i can't understand why some of you send the most innocent things on anon. anonymous love. anonymous commenting on the current discussion. anonymously asking for a recommendation.
#is it the anxiety#i bet its the anxiety#i also sometimes wonder if its cuz ppl know i only answer anons publicly and its all a performance art. if thats the case i love it#anon/reply banter is always so good and funny to me#there have been few non-anons who didnt get a heartfelt reply to their ask in private#sometimes people just set up too good of a joke u know
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Sometimes you just get forgotten too smh
Silly lil guy c:
I have words for sun wukong tho >_>
#my art post#sketch#lmk#in my au i gave him anxiety#apparently i have anxiety so ima make him do stuff that i do but i don't have social anxiety except i have been physically and mentally#harmed by people like macaque has so I'm just gonna give him habits that i do#i also hiss at people so i think its funny to keep that for him#trying not to be depressing btw im just sayin and im getting to that point where im over the experiences? so im fine and you can laugh at#the doodles i make of this stuff#I'm also rly glad they never made him apologize for his actions cuz sometimes you just gotta do bad shit to survive especially when ppl kee#keep attacking almost every week x'D macaque is the stray you keep even if it keeps biting you hes always in fight mode so be nice c:#staying away from the person you thought you should be able to trust is difficult too even if they physically or emotionally hurt you#holding macaque gently ówò get therapy boi
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hey guys is it embarrassing to like characters.
#.tlktxt#dont answer btw i know it is. but allow me to complain#cuz. inside out 2 right. anxiety is. a character whose so strange to me in my brain#i dont. give a fuck about the rest of the movie im gonna be so honest. but anxiety struck such a strong chord. idk#and you might think its because i have an anxiety disorder. which is true thats a lot of it. shes relatable in a way thats. like. kinda cool#but like. this isnt a normal like of a character. sometimes ill like a thing so so so much or connect with it that like#my chest hurts. when i think about them. like.#what im saying basically is i have very very strong emotions towards anxiety inside out 2 and i dont know what to do abt it cuz#inside out 2 is not a movie i particularly liked or care for otherwise.#aorry anyways. crushing that thing w my fists
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growing up ace/aro is so funny because you spend all your time thinking that just being able to acknowledge someone is conventionally attractive or "hot" is sexual or romantic attraction & then one day someone hits you with the "I would actually date/have sex with this person & would change my behaviour/life to do so" & you're like whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatt???
#other kids: so who do you have a crush on? don't lie you HAVE to have a crush it's the rules#me: i guess that guy is conventionally attractive. this is what a crush is. i'm going to get a good grade in heteronormativity#something that is both normal to want & possible to achieve#me later: if i have to marry a man & have kids i'm going to throw up & cry & then become a serial killer#more & more every day i realize i'm probably both ace & aro because i don't want to date & i'm not attracted to anyone#sometimes i see a person who is attractive but i'm not like. wanting to date them or anything#i just think they look nice. like a black cat turning brown/orange in the sun or swifts circling over the river or a nice cloud#just cuz i think something looks cool doesn't mean i want to fuck it. or marry it. so i guess all that's left is kill#guess i'm cooking Cinder for dinner tonight then#also i have severe anxiety though so the ''what if you just haven't found the right person'' thing haunts me#like that is stupid as fuck shut the hell up but also. what if#well until then i'll just do what i've always been doing: my own thang
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The same fic as Hasta la Vista baby, but going a bit more back in time to focus on En's wacky marriage with his best friend (Hima. An OC) when he was actually alive
In which two ace people marry into a QP relationship, because one (Hima) wouldn't shut up about marriage
Featuring,
Tall woman + short man = PROFIT?
"Ah! Ow! I'm sorry OW!! Hey!!!"
En hmphed, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed.
"Just so you know, I've grown another inch."
She rubbed her head, relieved of his pulling her hair for her slight. "Congratulations on hitting 5'2, then."
En deals with spontaneous proposals everyday until he agrees
[Day 1]
"Let's get married!" she seemed to decide, planting her fists on her hips.
"....."
"What's with that look?!"
En had stopped midstep and stared at her, eyes slightly wide in confusion, brows crinkled, not sure what to say or if she really meant it. Much like the face of one seeing a drug addict suddenly burst in front of them, butt naked, and running off. She was absolutely the equivalent to that right now.
".... We- We're 19," En tried to reason, not understanding why she decided that. "We just graduated, and we're too young-"
"Age is just a number," she deadpanned. "Jail is just a room. Marriage is just an agreement."
"How does jail tie into this conversation?!"
"Clearly, you deserve it, for breaking my heart," she sniffed. "Jail! Jail for a thousand years!"
***
Banjo squinted. Because did En just sprint by in a panic, with Hima-san on his heels with a rolled newspaper, shouting "JAIL!!!"?
"... Was that En?"
"He probably deserved whatever it was," Torino dismissed. He kept his gaze ahead, taiyaki between two fingers. "You don't argue with girls. They'll rain hell when you do."
Banjo didn't look convinced. His brow scrunched, turned in the direction the pair ran off.
"Would you'd like to get in Hima-san's warpath?" Torino quirked a brow. "Once she makes up her mind, she doesn't stop. I don't doubt her Quirk influences that."
"Welp! Good luck, En!" Banjo threw him under the bus, turning away immediately to continue a happy march down the ruined pavement.
[Day 2]
"Please please please please please!"
En stared blankly at her. Then his gaze went down to the distance between them. His paused yellow tape measure was pointedly stretched in front of him.
"Didn't I say five meters?"
She slumped in her dogeza. "Come on, En! I didn't mean to knock you out! I'm sorry! Marry me!"
"En, it was only for a few seconds," Nana said, exchanging paper bills with Torino in a silent bet over the pair. "And to be fair, you're the one that ran into the pole."
"I wouldn't have been running if she wasn't chasing me," En kept on, arms crossed.
[Day 3]
En didn't look away from the hamburger menu he was pointedly keeping his attention on, gaze up at the shining neon.
Very obviously so, to avoid looking at his friend, who currently bended down on one knee to his left, waiting for his attention to propose.
"Oh, honeybunch? Sugar plum?" No way was she starting to sing-song for his attention. "Pumpy-umpy-umpkin?"
"No."
"Hey, my sweetie pie-"
En speedruns the marriage process because his friend wants to (divorce included?)
"Sorahiko-senpai, give me the marriage certificate," En nearly hissed over their burgers.
Sorahiko chewed slowly. "Why?"
"I'm about to set the world record for fastest divorce—!!!"
Sorahiko is the worst person to go to for relationship advice.
[Case 1]
"Gran Torino, you should really keep your nose out of their business," Crimson Riot said, after watching Hima walk off after a quick conversation with Torino.
"I didn't say anything bad," Torino said.
"You just told Hima-san to fill Smoke Eater's shoes with pie filling and bake for 20 minutes?"
"If she can't find Smokey, he'll eventually come looking for her as the culprit," Torino defended.
Then his phone started blowing up with panicked texts from said Smokey.
"See? She found him."
"Actually," Crimson glanced at his own phone, receiving similar messages, "he's asking why you told her to do that. She just texted him the new plan you told her to do."
Couldn't she have just texted him for his location? Crimson thought.
Truly, she was not the sharpest person there was.
"Her phone was 1%, so it's probably dead now... he can't reach her cell either," Crimson read, taking in the new information pouring through his texts in even more of a frenzy. "Straight to voicemail. And he's two districts over, so he's not gonna make it home in time to stop her. Oh, wow."
He chewed. "Sounds like a skill issue."
"Torino—"
[Case 2]
"I'm just saying, naming a kid Butter Stick isn't a bad name," Torino defended over his mochi. That he stole from En's pantry, but no one really cared to stop him at the time. They already learned to stop buying taiyaki, because Torino was a rat who kept breaking into their apartment for it.
It still didn't stop them from waking up and finding him eating their cereal in the kitchen. He'd broken 3 windows – always the same one – before Hima finally explained how to open it.
En currently laid on the couch he was kicked to sleep on tonight, back facing them and angry steam wafting from his head.
Nana pulled the container of mochi away from him. After he egged on En's wife, leading to her original "intellectual debate" over what foods would work as human names becoming too heated, Torino didn't deserve his sweet cravings fulfilled. Especially when it was out of En's pocket.
[Case 3]
"Divorce her," Torino declared immediately, after bearing witness to Hima blue shelling En on the TV.
"It's just a video game," Nana said from her spot on the couch. "Stop telling him that every time something happens."
"She took the last taiyaki earlier, she deserves it," Torino decided.
"Right," Nana mumbled into her hot chocolate. "Tell me that again when she's strung you up on a flag pole with her Quirk."
#Hima is purposely very annoying and a gremlin that En has on a child leash when hes done with her#she drags En around a lot. En's just used to it despite his occasional fits of panic contrasting her upbeat “It's fine!”s#i wish to see OC-centric fics set during the time periods of the vestiges (not All Might cuz that seems easier to find) that arent by me#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#bnha#mha#spoilers#gran torino#sorahiko torino#nana shimura#en tayutai#oc#fic#two friends get married and its only more chaos from there#Hima is similar to toga in that their Quirks influence their personality and preferences#for hima it makes her a brat to deal with sometimes#theyre married but their relationship is nonrom#just a pair of friends who decided to get married and literally nothing changes#banjo daigoro#the only impact is seen in the future in relation to OFA's Factor. said impacts lead to hasta la vista baby#who banjo once accidentally whips across the face with his quirk in the void. promptly expelling her from their factor#while i write about the first Three the most i still have a lot of stuff that is shinomori-centric banjo-centric and en-centric#for example this fic focuses a lot on en even when hes a vestige#hima is just a happy-go-lucky idiot and en is a ball of anxiety she carries around everywhere
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The funniest thing I wholeheartedly believe is that I have a neurodivergency not catergorizable or diagnosable as any currently recognized disorder. (disorder emphaized because heavily impairing functioning is generally a requirement of the clinical definition and a condition of diagnosis, and although i'm vexed i still Get By Just Fine)
because like yes those probably exist; there's no way psychiatry is in its final form now and there are definitely levels of neuro-difference that don't qualify as disorders, but like. that's so random and it's kinda pretentious to make such a bold claim about yourself. like oh u wanna be special, huh? 🙄 just be AuDHD like everyone else (<- joking)
#look the Mental Illness is bad frequently enough the PMS prolly is exasterbating SOMETHING but what?? who knows#maybe testorterone would fix me... i'm afriad but i've been thinking about trying it a lot#i've been so clsoe to having persistant depression (looking back something was wrong with me in middle school???)#but it just isn't consistant and strong enough to be dysthymia#cuz like i don't feel sad so much as i just feel. psychologically unwell. maybe i've just always been stressed.#the lack of focus being a PMS symtpom is too real tho once i found that out i was like. damn that's why i thought i had ADHD sometimes and#then i wouldn't.#my autism score test ONLY being outside of 100% allistic range on the social stuff....#but i'm not a poor enough communicator for that to be a disorder#like there's all these little parts and they don't come together in the shape of anything i know#anxiety but not as bad as my mom who can't even get diagnosed bc it doesn't impair her functioning -'trich' but i don't pull; i snap or cut#but i'm still going to see a gyncologist bc PMS is the only lead i've got#i am goign to bring up T but tbh i think that's outside of their domains....#i wish menopause didn;t exist bc typical birth control is NOT an option bc high risk of hormone-positive breast cancer#but blocking my menstrual cycle would honestly be my dream outcome#but my understanding is if i don't replace E with T i just go into menopause and htne like. well my mom's going through it now and it#doesnt seem like. a good time.#I said this#personal
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It’s really fucked up how scents stick with you stronger than any other sense. My sisters use the same shampoo as my ex did 🤦
#so annoying cuz I’ll just be existing and then I’m thrown back into all That. LMFAOAOA#but I mean obviously sometimes it can be nice. especially with food and animal smells for me. can I be transported to my bff’s house pleeaas#or my childhood friends living room. RAHHH#there’s this one soap that my dad gets sometimes and it instantly transports me to my first day of preschool#even puts some brief anxiety in me over it 😭 before I remember that I’m in fact not in preschool
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bleh messed up my screenprint stencil and need to get new material to make a new one. time to sit on the floor and cry from frustration for a bit.
#thats the update for the freak shirts aaha.#im about 1/3 of the way through but now i have to wait for another supply#which ill order after the anxiety attack ugh cuz you cant really buy it where i live#anyway coming soon i promise. and then the menace shirts#its fun when i dont fuck up#but i am a perpetual fuck up machine sometimes
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emphasis on this . i'm just feeling softcore rn
#just sayin cuz i feel a lot of anxiety in my inbox sometimes KHGFDSHDFISH let ur freak flags fly guys!! if im squicked out ill say so#[writing yanderes that dub/non con somno stalk surveil you] “feeling so softcore in my old age <3”#also pls do send more reader traits in the future im excited to write more inclusively !!#i just always chicken out bc i want 'widespread appeal' but fuck it man....#if i want to see a trans guy or fat girl or indian reader be railed then what
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theres a different between having sensory issues with foods and being an asshole
#this was abt that video of the girl eating chicken nuggets while the rest of the family ate sushi and so many ppl were annoying in the comm#comments#soo sick of the way ppl r so annoying abt picky eaters#like.. i literally cant eat certain foods cuz the texture will make me throw u p#ALSO. its so hard being a picky eater#i cant try new foods and i feel awful when my mum makes another meal for me while the rest of the family eats something else#and when i see a food that looks and smells sosososo fucking good but i cant eat it cuz i know how my body would react I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!#and going to a friends house was a nightmare. i always felt bad when i told them i couldnt eat it and#theyd be like. 'oh ur allergic?' and i always felt like they were secretly judging me for saying that i couldnt eat certain textures#but that was probs just my anxiety LMAO#like its not that i dont like ur food i just literally cant stomach it#BUT theyre sometimes where i CAN get used to a foods texture#i hated eating things with red bean paste cuz the texture made me sick but smth changed and now i love it#SEASAME BALLS R MY FAVOURITE AND THEYRE SOOOO GOOD#but meat is a big no go. i HATEEE that fat and any chewy parts#oh wow this is long sorry!!!!!
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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// mun vent in tags
#ooc#anxiety fucking sucks#i made two big social mistakes within like 20 minutes of each other#now I'm freaking out#I'm autistic this stuff happens sometimes cuz i genuinely can't always tell when I'm being rude#but I've developed SUCH a careful and cautious personality to PREVENT this shit from happening#and when it does happen?#it makes me feel awful#I'm freaking the fuck out#no one is upset at me#they were gentle about it#but i still feel like the world is ending
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so the funny thing about my friend group is
ignore my crappy drawing, I'm working on it, ANYWAY. do you see the problem. all the nds (nuerodivergents) grouped together. also ignore that j looks like Michael Jackson its irrelevant.
yes most of us are mainly self diagnosed (W RESEARCH) (b is diagnosed with all, e is diagnosed with chronic pain, a is diagnosed with depression, and I'm diagnosed with anxiety. j is not.)
#nuerodivergent#autism#adhd#actually autistic#chronic pain#anxiety#depression#we are not ok!#btw I'm the only one who's queer there#and also who's sometimes a girl#my friend group is all boys#I draw myself very feminine cuz I want to
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