#sooooo the best summer plans ever?

[slothquisitor]

It is the last week of instruction at my school. I have about a billion things to grade, but I’m just going to keep telling myself that by Friday, it’s all done. Year 11 is almost in the books!

[mymelodyisme]

👉🏽👈🏽

[iceeh]

undergoing a major life change that is kind of the opposite of the major life change i initiated three years ago in that i am the one being left this time (for the first time! i am always the one leaving)(they followed then but the winter and my mother are both untenable things) and i'm facilitating that by quite literally retracing my steps (driving back down the alcan) and then coming right back (alone) and it's apparently been so difficult for me to emotionally comprehend this journey that i decided to get sick about it at (almost) the worst possible time

[strayrockette]

His Eyes on Me: Part Three

Masterlist/Part One-Part Two

Summary: The summer festival is in full swing, Natalie and Lacey try to encourage her to talk to Benny. She gets some practice later on in the day.

A/n: This chapter went through SOOOOO many drafts and edits. I'm so glad to get it out of my sight and excited to see your guys' response because yah girl over here could not STAWP gigglin'

The sound of our laughter echoed lightly around us, and the sweetness of vanilla ice cream melted on my tongue as I half-listened to Natalie and Lacey giving me what they called “The Benny Crash Course.”

It was their latest attempt to prepare me for any future run-ins with the guy who’d been on my mind a little too much since we’d met. Every day since our awkward first encounter, my thoughts had drifted back to his piercing blue eyes and the calm way he’d answered my question, like he had no problem just staring at me. It was disarming, to say the least.

"Next time you see him, talk to him," Natalie urged, her eyes serious but her lips twitching with a smirk. "Just be your normal, funny self. You’ll be fine."

I couldn’t help but snort into my ice cream, leaning forward and shrugging with exaggerated comical disbelief. “Or I could… you know… run away? Worked last time.”

Lacey burst out laughing, nearly spilling her own ice cream. “No, no! Talk. You will use words,” she teased, giving me a dramatic point with her spoon, her expression all mock seriousness.

I straightened up, tapping my chin thoughtfully as if considering something very serious. “Or…” I drawled, leaning back with a mischievous grin, “I could not talk to him. Save myself the embarrassment. That sounds pretty ideal.”

Both Natalie and Lacey stopped in their tracks, giving me the most synchronized deadpan expression I’d ever seen. “Absolutely not,” they said in perfect unison, their matching glares enough to make me crack up.

I sighed and playfully threw my hands up in surrender. “I don’t know, pretending he doesn’t exist seems like the best plan. Ignoring problems always works, right?”

Lacey shook her head, barely containing a smile. “Oh yeah, because pretending a tall, handsome guy who’s clearly into you isn’t real? Great strategy"

Natalie was a bit more direct. “You’re doing that thing again—acting like you’re not interested when we both know you’ve been thinking about him.”

I shot her a half-hearted glare but couldn’t hold back the smile tugging at my lips. They weren’t wrong, as much as I hated to admit it. “He makes me nervous"

“Sweet pea,” Lacey said, sidling up beside me and throwing an arm over my shoulder, “it’s okay to be nervous but trust me. The next time you see Benny, you’ll be fine. Just don’t run away like you did last time.”

Our conversation faded as we walked aound the park. Hopping around as we enjoyed the summer sun and the activities the festival offered. The park was alive with excitement—bright lights strung up along the trees, the sound of a live band playing upbeat tunes, and the sweet smell of cotton candy and caramel wafting through the air. The whole scene felt like something out of a postcard, the kind of night where you could forget about everything else and just get lost in the moment. Lacey and Natalie had wandered off to check out one of the game booths, and I had strayed from them, my eye on the cotton candy stand at the edge of the festival.

My stomach growling at the sight of the pink, fluffy treat. The line had dwindled, and as I stepped up, I fumbled around in my purse for some change. Of course, everything but money seemed to surface—lipstick, an old movie ticket, gum wrappers. I sighed in frustration, digging deeper as the vendor waited patiently. The music from the band drifted through the warm night air, and I could hear people laughing and enjoying the festival behind me.

Just as I found the coins I was searching for, someone slid in beside me. The movement was so casual, like they had been standing there all along, but it caught me off guard. Their chest brushed against the back of my shoulder, and I froze as the scent of cologne, leather, and cigarettes hit me all at once. It was familiar, intoxicating in a way that sent my heart into overdrive before I even looked up.

I knew who it was before I turned my head. Benny.

Benny didn’t say anything as I looked up at him, his expression unreadable, and cool. My brows furrowed slightly, caught off guard by the sight of him in a place like this. He didn’t seem like the type to be at a festival—too rough around the edges, too… out of place in a crowd full of families and kids. I hadn’t expected a guy like him to show up somewhere so bright, so cheerful. He didn’t exactly blend into the backdrop of laughter and neon lights. He dropped coins into the vendor's hands.

My eyes flickered to the vendor, who was holding out the cotton candy I’d ordered. His hand was expectant, and I blinked, shaking myself out of my thoughts. With a quick smile, I mumbled a quiet, “Thanks,” to the vendor and grabbed the candy, stepping away as I tried to maneuver around Benny.

“Thanks for paying,” I added quietly, not daring to look up at him as I said it. My voice came out a little too soft, the words awkward and uncertain. Something about him made me feel disoriented like I couldn’t quite think straight when he was this close. I tried to draw some encouragement from Lacey's earlier words, you'll be fine, just don't run.

Without a word, Benny fell into step beside me, moving as if it were the most natural thing in the world. His hand settled gently on my lower back, a touch so casual, so familiar like it had always been there. My heart raced at the contact, a mix of confusion and nerves surging through me. Why was he even bothering? He didn’t know me—not really—but he sure acted like he did.

I could feel the warmth of his hand through the thin fabric of my dress, and it made it hard to focus on anything but the steady thrum of my pulse. I didn’t understand what he wanted—why he was even here, walking with me like we had some kind of history. It felt… strange. And yet, I couldn’t bring myself to pull away.

I stopped walking, turning slightly so I could glance up at him, my heart still pounding in my chest. “Why are you here?” I asked, the question slipping out before I could stop it. It wasn’t accusatory, just… curious. I couldn’t figure him out. Benny seemed like the kind of guy who belonged in smoky bars or speeding down empty highways, not standing beside me at a festival, surrounded by kids and balloons.

He looked down at me, his gaze steady, cool as ever, but he didn’t answer right away. The silence stretched out, the sounds of the festival fading into the background as we stood there, just the two of us, the world shrinking around us.

Finally, he spoke, his voice soft but tinged with amusement. “I could ask you the same thing.”

His words hung in the air, and I hesitated for a moment, the weight of his gaze making my stomach flutter. A small part of me wanted to retreat, to let the nerves win and shy away. But instead, I found myself pushing through, the edges of a playful smile tugging at my lips. You'll be fine...

“Well,” I said, my voice trying for cheeky but betraying a bit of my nerves, “I’m wondering what a big tough biker guy like you is doing at a festival. Not exactly your scene, right?”

The moment the words left my mouth, I felt a surge of both relief and anxiety. I’d said it—teasing him, pushing back a little, trying not to get lost in my nerves. But still, I couldn’t shake the rush of heat that crept up my neck, the way my heart thudded against my ribs as I waited for him to respond.

Benny’s lips twitched into the faintest hint of a smile, and his hand, still resting lightly on my back, pressed just a bit more firmly.

“Maybe I just like cotton candy,” he said, his voice low and teasing, that playful glint in his eyes making my heart skip a beat.

I let out a soft laugh, shaking my head. “No, try again,” I said, my nerves starting to fade as I tilted my head slightly, my eyes twinkling as I looked at him.

Benny’s smile widened, just a little, but enough to show me he was enjoying this just as much as I was. He leaned in closer, his voice dropping an octave, his breath warm against my ear as he spoke again. “No,” he repeated slowly, his eyes locked on mine. “I didn’t want you slipping through my fingers again.”

My breath hitched at his words, my heart racing, but the smile on my face didn’t falter. I bowed my head attempting to hide away from his eyes.

“You’re cute when you’re nervous,” Benny said, his voice low, teasing, but with an edge that made my heart flutter.

The words sent a jolt through me, my cheeks flushing a deep pink before I could even think of how to respond. I tried to play it off, brush it aside, but the warmth spreading across my face was undeniable. The familiar nervous energy surged inside me, and an embarrassed giggle slipped out before I could stop it. Instinctively, I raised a hand to cover my face, as if that would somehow hide how completely flustered I felt.

His gaze—intense, unwavering—was too much. Too close. The way his words lingered between us left my mind spinning and struggling to catch up. I let out a soft laugh, more to relieve the tension in my chest than anything, and spun on my heels, desperately trying to regain some semblance of composure.

But Benny wasn’t about to let me slip away that easily.

I heard his footsteps behind me—steady, deliberate, as if he knew there was no point in rushing. Within moments, his long strides caught up with mine effortlessly, and suddenly he was beside me again, walking in step with me like it was the most natural thing in the world. His presence was magnetic, pulling me in despite my best efforts to distance myself. The space between us felt heavy, charged with something unspoken but impossible to ignore.

“You’re runnin' away again?” he asked, amusement dancing in his voice.

I shook my head, laughing softly despite the fact that my heart was still racing in my chest. I glanced over at him, the teasing smile still lingering on my lips. “What? A tough guy like you can’t handle a good chase?” I raised an eyebrow, adjusting my grip on the cotton candy, trying to keep my voice steady despite the wild fluttering of butterflies in my stomach.

Benny’s smirk deepened, and his eyes glinted with that playful spark that always made me feel both nervous and excited at the same time. “Oh, I can handle it,” he said, his voice low, smooth, as he stepped a little closer. “But you’re not making it much of a chase.”

His words sent a shiver down my spine, and I could feel the warmth of his body brushing against mine as we walked. Our steps fell perfectly in sync.

I laughed again, there was something so intoxicating about the way he moved beside me, the way he spoke, the way he looked at me.

“Now that you mention it,” I said, tapping my chin thoughtfully, trying to regain some control over the situation, “I think it’s about time for me to run away again. Catch me later?”

I flashed him a playful smile, my heart still pounding as I looked up at him through my lashes. It was a half-joke, half-challenge, and I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks again.

Benny’s smirk widened, his eyes darkening with something that sent my heart racing even faster. “You can try,” he murmured, his voice soft but sure, his gaze locking onto mine with that quiet intensity that made it feel like time had slowed down.

I swallowed hard, my breath catching in my throat as his words settled over me. I glanced down at the cotton candy in my hand, suddenly hyperaware of everything—the warmth radiating off him, the way our steps still moved in perfect harmony, and the fact that, deep down, I didn’t want to run. Not really.

“So what?” I stopped, turning to face him fully, standing even closer now. My heart pounded in my chest, but I didn’t pull away. “You gonna follow me around all night”

Benny stepped closer, his chest nearly brushing against mine, his gaze never wavering. His hand hovered near my arm, not quite touching, but close enough that I could feel the heat radiating from him. My breath hitched as his presence filled the small space between us.

“Maybe,” he said, his voice softer now, lower, the teasing lilt fading into something more serious, more deliberate. “If that’s what it takes to keep you from running.”

"You're serious" The weight of his words dawning on me. I laughed, "Why would you waste your time following me around?"

His lips curled into that familiar smirk, but it was softer this time, more genuine. “Who says it’s a waste of time?” he replied smoothly, his voice low and calm, like he had the whole thing figured out and was just waiting for me to catch on.

My heart was pounding so loud I was sure he could hear it. The air around us had shifted, pulling us closer together, and I couldn’t help but imagine what it would feel like if I leaned in just a little more if I closed the distance between us. My eyes flickered to his lips for the briefest second before I caught myself, but not quickly enough.

Benny noticed. Of course, he noticed. His smirk softened into something more real, more genuine, and his gaze held mine, steady and unwavering. My face flushed again, and I glanced down at the cotton candy in my hand, trying to gather my thoughts.

“What if I said ‘please, don’t follow me?’” I asked, tilting my head and biting my lip, hoping he’d let me off the hook. But Benny just chuckled, a low, warm sound that vibrated through me, shaking his head as if the very idea was amusing.

I laughed nervously, looking away from him and back at the carnival lights, trying to find some relief from the tension building between us. “You’re somethin’ else, you know that?” I muttered, shaking my head.

Benny just shrugged, effortlessly calm, like he had all the time in the world. “Maybe.”

“So what, you follow me all night,” I continued, turning back to him, still caught up in the strange, magnetic pull of this moment. “And then what? How does that end?” I asked, my voice soft, curious, but underneath, there was something else—a question I didn’t know how to fully ask.

He didn’t answer right away, silence thick with anticipation.

“Guess we’ll have to find out,” he finally said, his voice soft but firm, the promise of something more hidden in those words.

“No,” I said, my voice soft but steady, a smile curling at my lips as I shook my head. “Can we skip the whole following me around thing and just get to the point?”

For a split second, something shifted in Benny’s expression. Maybe it was surprise, or amusement, but it quickly faded into that calm, confident look he always wore. He stepped closer, and I held my breath, fighting the urge to run away.

His voice dropped, low and rough, like gravel under a boot. “Get to the point, huh?” His eyes flickered to my lips for just a beat before locking back onto mine, his gaze unwavering. “And what exactly do you think the point is, peach?”

The intensity of his stare, the unspoken implication behind his words, sent a rush through me that I wasn’t prepared for. My mind blanked, and for a second, I couldn’t think. His presence, his closeness, the way he was looking at me—it all felt like too much and not enough at the same time.

I glanced around, trying to gather my thoughts, the carnival lights blurring in my peripheral vision. My feet rocked slightly as I shifted my weight, searching for the words, for anything that wouldn’t make me seem completely out of my depth. But all I could do was feel the charge between us, my pulse racing in time with the chaos swirling in my chest.

“I don’t know,” I finally said, my voice breathy, my heart pounding harder as I looked back at him. A grin slowly spread across my lips, my pulse daring me to play along, to push back against the tension. “But I hope you can keep up.”

Before he could respond, I turned on my heel, my grin widening as I dashed into the crowd, slipping through the throngs of people. The sound of carnival games and laughter swirled around me as I moved, my adrenaline spiking with every step. I didn’t dare look back, but I could feel the heat of his gaze on me, feel the thrill of whether or not he’d follow.

A part of me hoped he would.

As I weaved through the crowd, the lights flickering overhead, I could feel my heart still pounding, a rush of excitement buzzing through my veins.

-

“YOU RAN AWAY AGAIN!” Lacey screeched, her voice echoing through the living room. I shrunk deeper into the couch, my cheeks burning as I fidgeted with my fingers, trying to suppress a giggle.

“…maybe,” I muttered, unable to keep the smile from spreading. But the memory of darting away from Benny had me both embarrassed and oddly excited.

“This is no laughing matter!” Lacey was losing it now, pacing in front of me like a storm about to break. “YOU LITERALLY HAD HIM RIGHT THERE, AND YOU RAN!”

Natalie, far less dramatic, swung her feet lazily in the air as she lay on the floor flipping through a magazine. Without even glancing up, she smirked and said, “I bet he’ll tie you down next time he sees you.”

I bit my lip, my stomach doing a flip at the thought. “That’s not... no, he wouldn’t,” I protested, but the way my pulse quickened at the idea told a different story.

Lacey stopped pacing long enough to level me with an incredulous look. “Oh, he absolutely would. After the stunt you pulled? I don’t think he’s going to let you slip away so easily next time.”

I hugged a pillow to my chest, my mind racing back to the way Benny had looked at me, the way he’d closed the space between us with just a look, how he was right there, and I still ran. “I panicked,” I mumbled, more to myself than to them.

“You panicked?” Lacey threw her hands up. “Girl, if he had looked at me like that, I’d have thanked him.”

Natalie chuckled from her spot on the floor. “I think you liked running. Adds to the chase.” She shot me a knowing look, and I sank further into the couch, burying my face in the pillow.

Maybe she was right.

Taglist: @prettybubblesintheair, @storiesfromafan, @aleemendoza2425-blog, bellesdreamyprofile (I figured you would like to blush some more 😉💕peachcobblerinmymumsbasement

[sadiecoocoo]

Sooooo I just noticed another difference between morty and evil morty…

Whenever evil morty is in a fight, he seems calm and collected. He acts like he already knows the ult one of every fight he’s been in. He plans ahead, and knows who he’s fighting so he has no need to worry about losing a fight.

Morty, on the other hand, is a fucking psycho. During the purge episode, he purged like no other. When he destroyed that narnia place at the start of season 5, it was in a blind rage. He doesn’t think before he fights. And sure, he worries before hand cuz that’s just who he is. but when he gets into it, everyone who tries to beat him is FUCKED, especially when Morty has some of Rick’s tech.

Another example would be in the episode with the death crystals. Morty found out that he was in danger and that one of his bullies may actually try to kill him, and did he try to resolve the situation peacefully? No, he stole a bunch of Rick’s tech and obliterated the people who tried to hurt him.

Morty’s even shot Rick before because everyone was insulting him and he couldn’t take it anymore. Of course, it was a fake gun, but it was obviously implied that Morty didn’t know that.

Also not to mention the fact that Morty dominated a fight pit in a post apocalyptic world because he was pissed about his dad leaving. Morty even refused to go back with Rick because he didn’t want to leave the only place where he could get his anger out (there were probably better ways but yknow he’s a teenager and this is Rick and morty where the characters healthy versions of themselves are still pretty fucked up in their own way)

So, what I’m getting at here is that Evil Morty is calculating and weighs his options to get the best outcome that will benefit him. Morty, in a fight or flight situation where he’s been pushed to the edge, fights like the everything he’s ever cared about is on the line with little regard for who he has to kill or hurt to protect himself.

Morty is scary as fuck sometimes

Edit: I keep thinking of different scene where Morty goes fucking insane with a blood lust, so another example would be when he fucked up Ethan’s anatomy and shit because he made Summer feel bad. Ppl rlly need to stop messing with Morty, like that mafia boss in the Jerrick Trap had the right idea…

Another thing, in the Jerrick Trap he felt no remorse when shooting down all those guys in the mafia when he had just spent a few hours of getting to know them (he was probably just making them run errands for him but he was still technically hanging out with them, I mean he played ping pong with at least one of them)

Another edit: there r so many clips of morty loosing his shit and being a murderous psychopath I need to stop editing this every time I think of one lol… but remember the vat of acid stuff? Morty was annoyed that Rick wasn’t listening to him even though mouthy was ultimately right. He was sick of having to sit around in a tub of fake acid waiting for guys that he and Rick could easily kill to leave. So when he finally had enough, he just got out and tried to shoot them.

This child needs so much therapy.

[forhereyesonlyyy]

your love. // stayc, pse. // one-shot.

in which you visit your girlfriend sieun after months of not being around each other, and you both find it hard to control repressed emotions after sieun goes overboard during your moment alone.

word count: 8.4k.

author’s note: my first stayc one-shot!!! i gotta be honest with ya'll i started writing this during asap era but towards the end i kind of lost motivation to continue so that's why it's a bit dragged on because i kinda just started saying anything sihdskfh BUT!!! THIS IS A WORK MADE WITH LOVE!!! i absolutely adore my stayc and girls and i cannot wait for teenfresh GIVE ME THE SONG OF THE LATE SUMMER MY GIRLS!!! p.s. i'm sorry this is sooooo long like omg...

tags: wlw, established relationship, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff towards the end, sieun fucks up, seeun the bestest best friend evver it's true.

warnings: suggestive at one point.

You got the genius idea when you were in your bathroom, staring blankly back at your reflection as you lazily brushed your teeth. You’ve been counting, as lame as that sounds, and in preparation for her upcoming comeback with her group, Sieun has been gone for months too long for you to endure. You missed her badly, but it wasn’t like she has been ignoring you or only talked to you once in a blue moon. No, Sieun always made sure that she texted you or call you during her downtime and in return, when you aren’t drowning in schoolwork, you send her some pictures of your face just to make sure that she doesn’t forget what you look like.

Sieun sends you some photos and even videos as well, and some late-night calls really makes you feel a lot less lonely. But of course you will always want more than that. You don’t even want to think about how long it has been since you last hugged or kissed or simply just looked at your dear girlfriend. And so, that one night, while you were brushing your already incredibly spotless teeth, you decided to surprise Sieun while she’s filming the music video with her members for the lead single of their latest album.

Sieun had told you a week before that they would start filming soon, and that day was today. That time was now, actually. You had arrived at the studio where the filming was taking place, and you’ve already informed some nearby staff about your galaxy brain surprise plan. Now you were just hoping that none of the louder girls spot you and make a scene. As much as you loved the members, you hoped that things would roll smoothly just this once.

You spot Sieun’s gorgeous strawberry blonde hair from a distance, and she was sitting on a chair chatting with a stylist. In front of her sat Sumin and Yoon, and against all of your wishes, Yoon had made eye contact with you and Sumin, sweet as ever, smiled so big upon seeing you. You immediately put your index finger over your lips for damage control and thankfully the two girls recognized the message and pretended you didn’t exist.

You continue making your way behind your sitting girlfriend but then you come to a halt when she suddenly raises her phone. You quickly hid behind a particularly tall staff member, who tried his best to not crack up as you did so. You peeked over the staff’s shoulder and of course, Sieun was indeed taking a picture of herself. Once she was finished, she brought the phone back down to her lap and finally, you make your move.

Just before you could put your chin on your girlfriend’s shoulder, you suddenly remember that you are only supposed to be Park Sieun’s good friend (Y/N). Scrapping every single one of your plan to surprise Sieun with a kiss or a hug, you stood frozen on your spot with a new plan. Sieun raises her phone for another picture and since you were literally right behind her chair, you were in the camera as well. You put up a peace sign and on the picture Sieun took, it really just looked like you photobombed her.

It took Sieun a few seconds but then she finally spots you on the picture and quickly turns around, then she confirms that yes, you are actually there.

“(Y/N), oh my God!” Sieun stands up from her chair and runs to engulf you in a tight hug. You felt your heart swell upon feeling your girlfriend’s warmth and if it weren’t for all the people around the two of you, you probably would have broke down in tears because you were not one to control your emotions well. Especially right in front of Sieun, the most important person in your life. You hold back on the hug and made it look as platonic as you could, but then Sieun leans back, keeping her arms around your neck, and ever so slightly her clear eyes shifted from your own down to your lips. You look at her, and you knew that if this embrace lasts for even one more second, you would risk ruining her life forever. So you stepped back, forcing an awkward grin on your lips.

“When did you get here?” Sieun asked. Her tone was shaky and unsure, it seems like she realized her own mistake. She had no idea how much it ate you up inside that you couldn’t even talk to each other publicly without fearing that everything will fall apart.

“Just ten minutes ago. I would’ve arrived earlier but I stopped by the nearest coffee shop and got you and the girls some pastries,” You paused. You didn’t know how strict the company was with the members’ diet, but now that you were here, you realized that you... didn’t really care. Even idols should enjoy food without worrying about gaining some pounds! Come on now, it’s even in your song, STAYC! “You can eat it on your break, or take it home. Just please, I don’t know, eat.” You said.

Sieun takes the box of pastries from your hands, and the brief touch of your fingers was enough to tug at your heartstrings. Your girlfriend turns to put away the pastries, and you take the time to look around the set. J was in the middle of filming her individual scenes, and Seeun and Isa were fooling around with a camera off to the side. It was most likely content for their fans. Looking back at Yoon and Sumin, they were focused on glossing over the delicious food you bought for them and argued about who gets which donut. From near them, Sieun gestures you to come over and so you did.

You sat on the chair across the three girls and hugged your backpack close to your chest. You had another gift, but it was for Sieun and you wanted to give it to her when you two were given a moment of privacy, if ever.

“(Y/N)! You didn’t have to waste your money and get these for us! You should’ve treated yourself instead.” Sumin says. Yoon mutters some words, but you couldn’t understand her since she was munching on a croissant.

You waved your hand, “It’s alright, I don’t mind. Sieun told me you girls have been working really hard for this comeback so I just thought that I could give you all a little something.”

Yoon swallows and wipes the corners of her mouth with a tissue, “Well, I’m glad you did because I have been craving sweet stuff for months! You should come more often! Sieun-unnie, tell (Y/N) to come more often.” The second youngest insists, nudging the second eldest’s shoulder.

Sieun only laughs at the younger girl’s orders, but you know in her heart that it’s what she wants too. There are times where the two of you can spend some solid time together whether it may be outside on a park or just at the comfort of your home. But unfortunately, most of the time, your schedules just don’t work out. When Sieun has a day off, you’re busy with assignments and school-related stuff. Sometimes, Sieun would visit you but even then you would be so distracted that you barely even look at her.

And of course, when you’re not doing much, Sieun is practicing and taking dancing and vocal lessons. You were convinced that the universe was doing its best to tear the two of you apart and there was a time that you almost succumbed to giving up, but you pulled through because you trusted Sieun, and it would break you to just leave her when you know that this was just a small obstacle that the two of you can jump over. Maybe even smash through.

You glanced down on your half-open backpack, and inside there was a red rectangular box with a pink bow tied to it. You chew on your bottom lip, now second guessing your choice. Was a necklace too predictable? You were pretty sure that you have bought Sieun lots of jewelry before, what if she thinks that you put no effort into searching for the perfect gift at all? That was literally your worst nightmare.

While staring holes through the red box, a pair of arms wrapped around your neck from behind and you turn around to see who it was.

“Aw, babe, is that for me? How sweet of you.” Seeun jokes, looking at the content inside your backpack. You rolled your eyes and closed your backpack before gently pushing Seeun away. Having mothers who are friends, you and Seeun were just as close despite having a two-year age difference. Seeun was just a fun person to be around and that was exactly why she was your best friend. You hadn’t known her for a while until your mothers introduced the two of you.

Seeun was the reason you even got to know Sieun on a personal standpoint. You had only seen Sieun on tv until one day, you stopped by their company building for a quick visit and tour from Seeun herself when Sieun happened to be practicing diligently with Sumin, and it all started from there.

“Sure. I would totally give my girlfriend her surprise gift in front of everyone.” You replied sarcastically. Seeun giggles and hugs you again, saying something about how glad she was that you came to visit her and everyone else.

(While you were catching up with Seeun, Sieun was quietly twiddling her thumbs beside Sumin. But of course you don’t see that because you were too busy laughing with your friend. Sieun hated feeling like this, especially towards one of her girls. But she missed you too much, and making her watch you get touchy and chatty with someone else was a lot to ask for.)

After that, Sieun was asked to make her way to the set since it was her turn to film for her individual scenes. You smile at her and mouthed some words of encouragement. Sieun smiles back briefly before going to where the director had told her to stand.

While you certainly enjoyed seeing Sieun in action, whether it may be singing or dancing or acting, you found it quite unfortunate that you couldn’t get to talk much. You loved Seeun, she was your best friend and she makes you laugh like crazy but you just miss Sieun so much. You hoped that sometime this day the two of you will be given a moment to talk. Even a minute would be enough. You just needed to feel connected to her again.

To avoid being a downer for the rest of your visit, you decided to bond with the other members of STAYC. Besides Sieun and Seeun, Isa was the third closest person to you. Not only was she extremely kind towards you, but her overall good-natured aura was almost magnetic. You always find yourself clinging to her because she made you feel good inside. Sieun does not get jealous over that because everyone knew Isa had that effect. Even Sieun herself gets drawn to her.

“She’s great, isn’t she?” Isa asked, watching Sieun work diligently with the camera. You smiled proudly at your girlfriend as the whole directing crew whooped to encourage her. You hadn’t realized that you didn’t reply to Isa as Sieun had completely captivated you. Looking at your smile and the way your eyes were quite literally glued to Sieun, Isa finds herself grinning.

“Do you like her?”

The question completely caught you off guard. You nearly snapped your neck when you turned your head to look at the older girl because from the way she said it, Isa sounded like she knew.

“S-Sieun?” You ended up blurting out. Well, now you looked like a fool. Every member’s eyes were on you, although Yoon did look quite funny since she was still eating some bread. Isa tilts her head innocently. She has no idea what she has just done, bless her heart.

“Yes. You look like you’re her biggest fan. I bet she’s your favorite member.” Isa said. Upon realizing that you might have overreacted, you then mentally slap yourself for getting all jittery and nervous. Because of course Isa wouldn’t guess it that easily. You like to think that you and Sieun have been pretty successful with the whole secret dating thing. The two of you have been official since before STAYC even debuted, albeit just a few months! And not one person has even got a hint that you and Sieun were closer than you like to show to others.

Seeun shakes her head, “That’s impossible! I’m your best friend, therefore I should be your favorite member.”

“No. Me and (Y/N) have the same exact interests. If she were just a regular fan and not our friend, I bet she would like me a lot.” J argued, and so STAYC scream over on top of each other to debate which member you like the most. Only if they knew... but they really shouldn’t.

(From the distance, Sieun watches you grin from ear to ear watching the members fight for your affection. This time, she wasn’t feeling jealous. She felt her heart growing heavy. Not with envy, but rather... love.)

When the mess managed to pass and the girls got serious since they still had some work to do, you asked a staff member to point where the washroom was and thanked them when they provided you with some directions. You must’ve eaten something bad before leaving your house since you were in a hurry. Bringing your bag along, you started following the directions the staff member gave you but then a hand tugs on your sleeve, stopping you from making another step.

“Leaving already?” Sieun asked, retracting her hand slowly. Some of the girls were already changing their outfits, while the others were going over the choreography as they were going to film the group dance clip.

“Oh, no. I was just about to go to the washroom. Well... then I was going to come back and say goodbye because my mom wants my help with some groceries,” You replied. Sieun nods, and then she goes quiet. It seems like she couldn’t get the words out of her throat. You understood why to some extent, maybe, but you did wonder why Sieun would feel nervous around you of all people. “Are you okay? Do you need something?” You asked, concerned.

Sieun shakes her head, then she cautiously looks around. You imitate her actions, trying to understand why she was suddenly like this. Sieun suddenly pushes you into an unknown corner where not even one person would dare to look at or walk by, and then she grabs your face with her hands and kisses you softly.

This was certainly new. The two of you agreed to not even be five meters close whenever you’re around just to avoid speculations, except for ‘platonic’ hugs, but here Sieun was, kissing you in public! Not that you were complaining, your mind was too hazed and all you wanted to do was kiss your girlfriend, so you do exactly that.

You’ve nearly forgotten what Sieun’s lips tasted like. The familiar cherry-flavored chapstick she wore all the time comes back to you, and you couldn’t help but pull her closer just so you can never forget about it ever again. Sieun puts her hands on your shoulders, and you feel her clutch your sweater. It almost felt like she was angry, maybe she was. Maybe she was mad about how things had to be this way, how things had to be so unfair to the both of you.

But of course, you would always be there to remind her that it’s all going to be worth it. Because at the end of the day, you have each other and the harder things get, the more the two of you hold on and the more you never wanna let go. You will always end up like this: in each other’s arms and sharing your love for one another through kisses, or maybe something as simple as a look.

Sieun was the first to break the kiss, she wraps her arms around your neck and presses her forehead against yours, “You have no idea how much I missed you.” She whispered. It sounded like she was on the verge of crying and it broke your heart.

“That’s why I’m here. I just couldn’t wait until the next time you sneak out of your dorm to come to my house.” You confessed, laughing. Sieun had told you through text about how much she feels bad whenever she lies to her members just to see you and plus, you realized that it has been her that was making an effort to see you most often than the other way around so this genius surprise plan of yours was partly made so that you could give her a break.

“I’m glad you did, I couldn’t wait either... I actually wanted to surprise you after today’s filming was done,” Sieun leans further back to look into your eyes. You raised an eyebrow. Of course that was to be expected from Sieun, but you didn’t think she would do it on a work day! “Yeah, I was going to go straight to your house and bother you until you get sick of me.” Sieun joked.

“Now I wish I just stayed put then, I would love for you to try and get me to get rid of you which, spoiler alert, would never ever happen, just saying.” You replied. You leaned forward and planted a quick kiss on top of your girlfriend’s nose.

Sieun hums, “How are you so sure?” She asked, genuinely curious. You couldn’t even believe that she was asking such a question.

“I always want to be with you,” You answered. You kiss Sieun’s lips, but it was short and quick much to her dismay. You laughed a little, and then you hugged her tightly. “I love you.”

It wasn’t the first time you said that, of course not. But it has felt so long since you voiced it out, so much that it feels like it’s the first time, but that was okay. The first time you said those three words, you heart was beating out of your chest and you voice was shaking from nervousness, having been overwhelmed by your own emotions at the time.

Back then, you were in over your head trying to figure out if Sieun felt the same about you because you really were hopelessly in love. And even though she did say it back before and has since been saying the words first sometimes, you were nervous at her reply. Will she just smile at you? Will she leave? Will she just kiss you and then leave? Do you still feel the same?

“I love you so much more.”

Your heart bends, breaks, and heals all at once at your love’s response. It was something that only Sieun could make you feel.

“Good.” You kiss her again. Again, and again until Sieun couldn’t help but laugh. You missed seeing her beautiful smile with your own eyes, and hearing her laugh over the phone didn’t give you the same butterflies as it would face-to-face. How you wished the two of you could just have a whole week— no, that would be too short. You wished that you could be with Sieun for a whole summer because what better way to spend your favorite season than being with your favorite person?! Obviously you had to stop being a brat about your situation and eat it up, but you were Sieun’s biggest fan and you simply had nothing to blame but... the timing of it all.

You briefly glance behind Sieun and your heart nearly drops to your stomach when you spot Yoon’s tall figure passing by, looking confused. With all your heart, you prayed to the Gods that the second youngest wouldn’t dare to enter your little corner. Mostly because you didn’t want anything to cut your moment with Sieun shorter than it has to be.

“Jayoon is going to talk, and they’re all going to start looking for you,” You said. Sieun hums, not seeming to care at all. Her left cheek was pressed against your right shoulder, her lips just barely grazing against your neck, making you shiver. Right. When Sieun misses you too much, she tends to get drunk with... impulse. You weren’t any different, but at least you had more restraint to not commit to doing monkey business in public! “What’s going to be your excuse?” You asked, trying to take your mind off of the trail of kisses Sieun was leaving up your neck.

“What are you trying to do?” Sieun asked, her breath tickling that funny spot behind your ear that she knows pushes you closer to giving in to her.

You hear footsteps getting closer and you start panicking, “One more second away from the set and I swear we get closer to basically telling everyone we’re gonna get married and have three kids, one named after Chaeyoung.”

“Hm. I guess we better do this quickly, then.” Sieun’s hands somehow finds a way to slip under your sweater, and you flinch backwards, both angry and shocked at how your girlfriend was being so careless at the moment.

You try to let her off easy, “Babe, if you can wait four long months then surely you can hold on for a few hours more.” You said. Sieun narrows her eyes, and you just knew that this was going to be bigger than it has to be. But you felt the need to remind Sieun just what she was trying to risk for something so... invaluable. At least that was how you saw it.

“(Y/N), you’re going to have to learn to just take the chance because what if we never get it again? I’m going to start promotions with the girls soon and, as you always seem to be, you’re going to be drilled with schoolwork and when you are, I don’t even feel like there’s a relationship to be lost!” Sieun spat. Again, you couldn’t believe what you were hearing from your girlfriend, but this time for a very different reason.

You grit your teeth, trying to clear your head and avoid saying anything that might make this tiny flame a devastating inferno, “I’m just saying that this isn’t the time nor the place to do this kind of thing, Sieun. I mean... I’m sure it would take some darn good eyes to spot us but what should we do if that happens? Have you ever thought of a way to deal with the consequences? Think about what you’re going to lose! We can’t keep getting away with a ‘near miss’, you know that.” You said.

“You know, one thing I realized about you while we were apart is you are way too invested in making sure that I keep being a singer. That’s sweet, honey, but I have to ask: are you in this for me or my career?” Sieun’s words had tore a hole in your heart, almost literally.

“How could you say that? I—” You briefly paused and kept your voice down to avoid drawing any attention. “I love you.”

(Sieun hears the sincerity in your tone and it eats her up inside.)

“You’ve worked your whole life to get to this point, I don’t want you to throw it all away for something that is worth nothing, or for someone like me,” You take your girlfriend’s hands with yours and you hold them tightly. As if you never want to let go. “We can do whatever you want when you visit me later, okay?” You hoped that this would be enough to stop all the bad feelings and the arguing, but you knew in your heart that the two of you would have to talk about it again in a more civic and mature way.

Sieun slowly pulls her hands away, and God were you so scared of what her next words implied, “There are a lot of things in my life that I can willingly and wholeheartedly throw away my dream for, one of those things is you, (Y/N). You say you love me, but I guess not to the same extent that I love you.”

Something inside you ticks off and once again, you grit your teeth to control your temper. Civil and mature conversation. Civil and mature conversation. Come on, (Y/N), that’s what we’re going for here.

While you were yelling at yourself about keeping calm, Sieun had already started walking back to the set. She apologized to the director and had told everybody that she took it upon herself to show you where the bathroom was. You were left standing alone in that dark corner in utter disbelief. You would have started crying if it weren’t for the fact that you had to leave in approximately five minutes.

You didn’t give yourself a chance to think about what had just happened with Sieun, you were saving that for midnight. Before you could leave the studio, however, you managed to slip the red rectangular box inside Sieun’s bag undetected and finally, you headed home.

-

Sieun did not visit you.

Not that you really care, not after what went down in the studio. Still, it couldn't be helped that you feel hollow inside your heart. It was the first time Sieun did not visit you when she said that she would. Regardless of whether or not the two of you got into a heated argument, Sieun does not let it last for longer than an hour and takes it upon herself to fix burned bridges.

You thought about apologizing first, but you were afraid that you would be distracting Sieun from her work and you didn't want to make things worse for your relationship. So, you stayed quiet for the whole afternoon. Literally. Even your mother noticed that you weren't talking much, but she didn't say anything about it, which you were thankful for.

You got a message from Seeun an hour after you left. She talked about how everyone was sad that you were only there for such a short time. You didn't give her a reply, mostly because you didn't have the energy to do so. After you helped your mother arrange the groceries, you spent the next few hours sitting on the living room couch and watching endless reruns of old dramas. Occasionally you would open the single novel sitting on top of the coffee table, but you would always find yourself looking back on your phone, hoping that Sieun would at least tell you that she got home safely with the girls.

So far into the evening, nothing.

You sighed, hugging your knees close to your chest. You stared at the tv screen and nearly gagged at the sight of a couple kissing in the most awkward way possible. How typical. You groaned since you reached another ending of an episode and you still haven't moved from your spot due to lack of motivation.

At some point, you spaced out. You started thinking of ways to make it up to Sieun when you inevitably see her again, and you had several scenarios in your head playing out that you didn't notice that your front door had been unlocked and opened. Instinctively, you grabbed the remote and prepared yourself to throw it at the unfortunate burglar that has broken into your home.

“(Y/N)...”

You blink and you realized that it was not a burglar that has broken into your home. Instead, it was the very same girl you had been thinking about the whole day, always. Well, she didn't break into the house. You had completely forgotten about the spare key you allowed Sieun to have. It's been a while since she visited, that's why.

“Sieun...?” You were going to sleep crying about how messy things were between you and your girlfriend, but the she shows up in your house at nearly ten in the evening without warning and you find yourself quite a mess inside your head. There she stood on the other end of the couch, disheveled and exhausted. Possibly from running. You clutched on to the blanket covering your legs, you wanted to wrap it around your girlfriend’s figure to keep her warm, but there were a million questions circling your brain that you couldn’t move from your seat.

Why didn’t she call you? She should be resting and preparing herself for the second day of filming, why is she here? Did she actually run from the dormitory to your house? Is she insane?!

Sieun exhales deeply and sits down on the spot beside you. Without a word, she slowly leans her head on your shoulder and rests it there, her hand finding its own way to yours. You release the tension from your shoulders and relaxed, leaning back. You tried to keep yourself focused on the drama in front of you, just to give Sieun a moment to collect herself and finally talk, but a shining object on your peripheral vision has forced you to turn your head and look down at your girlfriend.

To your surprise, Park Sieun was wearing the necklace you had bought for her.

“I’m shocked to see you didn’t throw it away,” You joked. Sieun was wearing some sweats, a shirt, and a jacket. It was obvious that she was getting ready to settle down for the night and put everything that happened in the afternoon somewhere inside her brain where she didn’t have to think about it until later, but something gave her the energy to just come to you. Until she speaks about it, you won’t ask, but boy was the curiosity killing you. “Most people wouldn’t even want to look at anything that reminds them of their lovers after a quarrel.” You muttered.

“It’s from you. I would never throw away any of your gifts over a stupid fight.” Sieun looks up, and from where you were looking, you could see a better view of the necklace. It looked amazing on her, just as you imagined.

The piece of jewel resting between Sieun’s collarbones was that of a sun because, as cheesy as it sounds, you considered Park Sieun as the one who lights your way. And maybe you were just hopelessly in love with her, but whenever she comes into your vision, everything just seems brighter. Other than that, Park Sieun is a small girl who was fed a boatload of talent as she was growing up. You’ve seen what she can do, and you had no doubt that she is one of the most promising idols in the industry. Just as the sun is one of the brightest stars in the galaxy.

You hear Sieun release a shaky breath and despite the entertaining scene playing in the television, her eyes dwelled up with tears. It felt like your heart was being trampled under someone’s feet and you had no choice but to watch.

“(Y/N), I’m really sor—”

You turn the television off and stood up, abruptly interrupting Sieun. That was on purpose, you were not going to have the talk in a living room couch where your mother could easily walk down and overhear. There was nothing for either of you to worry about since your mother knew of your relationship and was respectful and supportive, but you felt that this was something that should stay between you and Sieun.

You turn around to face your girlfriend. Tears had already started streaming down her beautiful bare face, and you gently wipe them away with your thumbs. You then took Sieun’s hand and nodded your head to the stairs, “Let’s go up. I’ll get the bath ready.”

-

As warm as the water kept you, goosebumps still managed to show themselves on your skin as Sieun started discarding her clothes to the side. You keep your eyes on the faucet, distracting yourself by making scenarios of droplets of water talking to each other in very high-pitched voices in your head. This makes you smile and laugh, but then Sieun joins you in the bathtub and suddenly the droplets of water started screaming in panic. Some even fainted and evaporated, how dark.

Sieun sits in the space between your legs and she hugs her own close to her chest. You rest your chin on her shoulder and wrapped your arms around her waist, holding her tight. She had pulled her hair up in the neat bun, exposing her smooth neck. You felt like kissing her.

Should you start talking? You invited Sieun to join you in the bathroom in hopes of talking in a more private space, but now you were actually in a loss for words.

“What I tried doing earlier,” Sieun speaks. You hum in response, taking one of her hands from under the water and intertwining your fingers. “It was wrong. Not because we were at... risk of being caught, but because I was pressuring you to do something against your will. It doesn’t matter if I missed you like crazy, it was terrible of me to do. I’m—” Sieun turns her head, and her eyes soften at the sight of your gentle look.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers.

“It’s okay,” You replied. You know Sieun would never force you into anything you didn’t want to do in her right mind, she promised you herself as soon as the two of you made things official. “But I understand.” You continued.

“There’s no excuse as to why I would—”

“Let me finish, babe,” You thought about all the times Sieun had to watch you do anything but sit down and talk with her on a day where the two of you were supposed to spend some quality time together after weeks of being apart. And then you thought about the times where you were too reluctant to go on a date outside with Sieun and wasted a free day due to fear of having everything fall apart for her. I’ve been quite the coward. “I think I was being too critical about hiding the fact that we’re dating. You’re the one who makes the most effort to make meetings happen... but I get too scared and before I realize, you’re leaving again and we’ve done nothing.”

“(Y/N)—”

“And then I have the nerve to blame you and your work and the industry when it was me who was slowly ruining this relationship all along. I— How are you not sick of me?” You absolutely hated how you let every good opportunity slip away, how you might have made Sieun feel that she wasn’t in a relationship, how you were never the ‘good lover’ you always wanted to believe you were. You wanted to change, but how will you ever get rid of the feeling that follows whenever you do something even remotely romantic with Sieun in public?

The feeling that you will ruin Sieun’s life, as well as your best friend’s, and that everyone will hate you for it. That Sieun will hate you for it.

“You were protecting me. I appreciate what you do for me and I always will,” Sieun cups your cheeks and leaves soft kisses all over your face. Your heart swells with sadness and the remaining bits of frustration over your past actions, but Sieun’s presence keeps those emotions at bay and eventually your heart was as light as a feather. “I would never hate you for doing what you think is the best for us. You’re my everything, (Y/N).”

Sieun kisses you, and while it was less intense than the one you shared earlier, it holds the same passion and feeling. It was a bit awkward considering that there wasn’t a lot of space for either of you to work in, but you didn’t care about that. All you wanted to do was cherish this moment and never let go of it just yet. There were a lot of things that Sieun made you feel. There was probably no way you can express them all verbally, but you hoped that this kiss would be enough to give Sieun a hint of your true feelings for her.

There wasn’t a limit when it comes to how much you should love a person, and it would be impossible to measure anyway because you knew that every passing second, you love for Sieun grows so much that it could beat the size of the universe.

“We don’t have to hide a lot anymore,” Sieun says after a while, leaning her back into your chest. You blinked, what does that mean? “The girls know.”

Your blood runs cold, “T-They...?”

Sieun nods, “Even the staff.” What the hell? I guess we weren’t as slick as we thought.

Sieun sighs blissfully and relaxes in your embrace. You raised an eyebrow, “You seem awfully calm about all of this.” You said. You thought that Sieun would be as nervous as you are right now. Hell, you were even preparing a whole speech in your head just in case there comes a time where you would have to defend your relationship against the world.

“Yeah, it’s good that they know.” Sieun says, and the content smile plastered on her face was enough to make you believe her words.

-

[A few hours earlier...]

“Rest well, girls. You’ll have a long day tomorrow.”

The members of STAYC thank their manager and bowed politely before making their way inside their dormitory. Immediately, Yoon and Seeun flop down on the couch, groaning about how their legs could not work anymore. Sumin heads straight to the kitchen, already thinking of what to make for dinner. J joins Yoon and Seeun on the couch, comforting them while also teasing them about their ever-deteriorating stamina.

Isa and Sieun were the last to enter. They were silent, and that, Isa thought, was weird in a way.

“What would you all like to have for dinner?” Sumin asks from the kitchen, staring intently at the contents inside the refrigerator as if her desired ingredients would appear if she just stares longer.

“We want—”

A door slams shut, making Yoon flinch and stop talking. Everyone turns their head to the front door and Sieun was nowhere to be found. She had stomped inside her shared room with Isa, J, and Seeun without a word. Isa sighs, contemplating whether she should apprehend Sieun about her behavior or leave her to her thoughts.

Sumin pokes her head out, “Does anybody know what’s going on with her?” She asked. Everybody shrugged, all of them had a different answer they all voiced out.

“Alright. Well, we can’t eat good dinner with a dark cloud above our heads! Yeeun, you’re on grocery duty with me. Chaeyoung, Seeun, and Jayoon, do what you do best and make Sieun smile.” Sumin said, grinning. She and Yeeun leave the dormitory once again, and the rest of the girls were left in the living room feeling clueless.

They all shared a look and then they just knew what to do.

Isa knocks on the door and as expected, Sieun doesn’t answer. Carefully, Isa opens the door and there they found Sieun sitting on her bed, staring at the floor with a dark look on her face. Yoon almost aborted the mission, having been scared of the thought of getting close to Sieun when’s angry, but Seeun keeps her with her and Isa as they tiptoed their way inside the room.

“Hi, unnie.” Seeun said, smiling at the older girl. Sieun looks at her, but doesn’t smile back. Seeun was starting to think that maybe Yoon was right to try and run away from the task. Isa, however, was determined.

The third eldest decided to be frank, “Trouble in paradise?” She asked.

“I just... I think I messed up with— wait, what did you say?” Sieun snaps her head up, now looking at Isa with wide eyes.

“You and (Y/N). You fought, didn’t you?” Isa asks again, making it clear to Sieun that yes, she knows exactly what she is talking about.

Sieun looks at the younger girls and she finds herself in utter disbelief, “You knew?”

Yoon nods, “We’ve all known for a while, actually. Seeun-unnie was the first one, and being Seeun-unnie she accidentally spilled it on us... but it wouldn’t really take a genius to find out about you and (Y/N).” She said. Sieun releases a heavy sigh, then she laughs at herself. All that effort just to find out that the girls have known all along. She didn’t know whether to think it was funny or sad for her, but at least she isn’t being yelled at.

“How...? And when?” Sieun directed the question to Seeun.

Seeun sits on the spot next to the second eldest and tries to remember the exact moment she found out about the not-so-secret relationship, “When we weren’t so busy, (Y/N) came over and played with me and Yeeun for a bit. You were in your room, so you didn’t know that she was here yet. Yeeun and I went to the kitchen to grab some snacks, but then I forgot to ask (Y/N) what she wanted to have. So, I went back to the living room to talk to her and... well,” Seeun grins at the memory. It was one of the moments where her heart felt so full at the sight of your smile. Don’t get her wrong, it wasn’t anything romantic. You were her best friend and if you were happy, she was happy. “She had this big dumb smile on her face while she was staring at her phone and I wondered what could be the cause of that. Turns out that she was going crazy over a cheesy message you sent at the time. I send her the same messages and she just replies with the vomit emoji, but when it was you... I have never seen her so happy.”

Sieun blushes. While she doesn’t remember that exact time, she felt rather reassured after hearing Seeun’s words. “Why didn’t you say anything to me? To us? You know, we were breaking our backs trying to hide it from everybody.” The second eldest sighed.

Seeun thinks hard about it. She knew in her heart that she would’ve confronted the couple about it, not only because she finds pleasure in teasing her tough best friend but mostly because she was over the moon about the two of you finding happiness in one another.

“I don’t know... I guess I felt like I would be intruding— or maybe I thought your hard work would be wasted. Something like that,” Seeun shrugs, giggling about her lack of a clear answer. “But just so you know, I didn’t actually tell the girls about you and (Y/N)! I’m not a snitch! I just... said some small things and they were smart enough to figure it out!” Seeun defends herself, playfully glaring at Yoon.

“No, Jayoon was right. Perhaps we really were a little too obvious about it. Mostly me, probably.” Sieun says, sighing. Not even Seeun visits you in your own home often and you’re practically joined by the hip! And how does Seeun know whenever Sieun was at your place? Well, she could always tell when you’re occupied (you really just don’t respond to the hundred old pictures of Richie she sends), and Sieun always makes sure to make herself look extra pretty on the days she would sneak out to meet up with you.

“Alright, well, now that that’s out of the way, what happened between the two of you in that little corner?” Isa asked, sitting down on the bed across Sieun’s. The second eldest finds herself feeling extremely embarrassed now that she knows that Isa, and probably all of the girls, know where the two of you decided to hide that time. God knows what else they could’ve seen.

“Other than, you know, the kissing.” Yoon commented.

“Please don’t... bring that up.” Sieun shakes her head, flustered. Both Seeun and Yoon sit down on either side of Sieun, making kissing noises to tease her endlessly. Isa sits on the bed across from Sieun's, laughing at the younger girls' antics.

Sieun covers her face with her hands, groaning, "I went... overboard. N-Nothing happened but... fuck, I— I missed her. And she was there, and I just wanted to feel close to her again. It wasn't the right time, I know, but that's not the point. I got mad and I yelled and I said all these horrible things to her and... and now I don't know if I can even face her." She was in complete distraught.

The two of you have fought before, sure. But neither of you have let it gone for this long and let it go this bad. Sieun knows that she has to talk to you, that she has to be the one to apologize because she was the one in the wrong, but she is so, so scared of what you might say to her. A cold and unforgiving look did not suit the sweet eyes Sieun has gotten to love so much but with the state she left you, Sieun thinks that the worst might just happen the next time you two see each other.

You were the best thing that's ever happened to her. All her life she felt that something was missing. Even achieving her greatest dream did not make that hollow feeling go away. Then she met you, and slowly all the pieces of her incomplete puzzle started coming together.

Sieun feels tears building up in her eyes and clutches on her bed tightly, "I don't want lose (Y/N). I can't lose her."

Yoon caresses the older girl's back to comfort her, pouting at Sieun's pitiful sight. Isa only stares, sighing and finding herself thinking of ways to help Sieun. Seeun stands up and grabs Sieun's bag from floor. Sieun doesn't say anything when the younger girl fishes through her bag. She didn't have the strength to do anything at all.

Seeun cracks a proud smile on her pretty face when she successful finds the red box inside Sieun's bag. Everyone in the room perks up at the sight of the unfamiliar object. Seeun gently places the box on Sieun's lap.

"It's from (Y/N), obviously," Seeun takes off the cover and reveals the beautiful sun necklace you've bought for her. The jewel seemed to shine brightly under the light, and Yoon mutters something about it being the prettiest necklace she has ever seen. "(Y/N) is very... simple. Traditional. Not that it's a bad thing. I meant that... her love isn't anything grand, but that's what make her so appealing. She's my best friend so I can say that." Seen clasps the necklace behind Sieun and admired it. You really did have the best taste in jewelry.

"My point is you don't have to make a song, or tell her a poem to fix all this. Just, you know, be there and say sorry," Seeun sits back down beside Sieun, smiling at her. "She's hurting right now too. I think it would help if you were there." Seeun glances at her own phone, frowning at the realization that you haven't replied to her messages at all.

Sieun touches the sun-shaped jewel resting on her collarbone, and it made her think of you — her very own star, shining down on her when everything gets dark. The one person who she knows will always be there when she needs them, the one person who will love her and care for her unconditionally. She couldn't afford to lose you, your love, your very randomly-timed gifts, your smile, your laugh, and that future that Sieun so badly wanted with you.

"I... I need to go." Sieun doesn't even wait for a reply from her members. She sprints out of the room, barely able to grab the keys to your house as she did so, put on her sneakers in record speed before dashing out of the dorms.

The crisp, cold air hits Sieun's face while she races down the street she knows all too well, but she knew a world without you in her life would be colder, and it would hurt more. Sieun held the sun jewel in her hand while she ran, lungs begging for air and legs begging for a stop but she couldn't. She had to see you. And be with you again.

Everything was about you, and for you. It always will be, for Sieun.

Finally, Sieun comes to a stop at your front porch. The curtains were drawn, but she could faintly see the drama being played on the television and the dim light coming from your kitchen. Sieun hoped it wasn't your mother because she would have too much of an explaining to do. Sieun approaches your front door, puts the key inside the lock and turns the doorknob cautiously.

Sieun steps inside the living room and sees you, her girlfriend, all the more ready to attack her with the remote control for the television. She could laugh, but she was too exhausted from all the running she did. And plus, making eye contact with you after everything she did made her so, so weak.

"(Y/N)..." God, she could barely speak your name.

You dropped the remote control on the couch, "Sieun...?" She missed your voice a lot. Sieun releases a deep breath and settles herself beside you, your warmth immediately getting rid of every fear, doubt, and shame in her head. She rested her head on your shoulder and took your hand in hers, intertwining your fingers and holding it tightly. She never wants to let go.

Sieun knew she was a work in progress, but she was willing to do anything for you. Whether it be giving up her dreams, or swallowing her pride, or literally running miles just to see you — for your love was worth having more than any of the stars in the universe, and the universes beyond that.

[decaflondonfog]

ten first lines ✨

Rules: list the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there's a pattern!

i feel like i did this a few months back but with wips rather than posted works (?) i can't find any evidence of it because tumblr is a black hole lmao kiiiiiiiiiiiinda worrying because my memory is bad and i haven't written that much sooooo there's a chance i've done this exact thing before? i'm a mess, sorry!!!! thank you to my sweet @nv-md for tagging me on this though! i'm passing it along to @moondal514 @nanatsuyu @thetrojeans @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin and @jaywalkers, if you guys fancy doing it <3

a stark trail of blood on fresh snow | aftg, riko/neil, M, 12k

Neil Josten hadn’t been born with the gift of prophecy, but when he woke up abruptly in the middle of the night, he knew that was the last time he’d ever see the bed he’d been sleeping on for a few years now — ever since his mother disappeared into the dead of night, much like he was about to.

transferable skills | aftg, jeremy/jean, E, 11k

In the first six months of Jean Moreau wearing gold and red instead of black and red, the USC Exy team is given their first ever seven yellow cards.

the fear (of living in headlights, the hunted, the deer) | aftg, andrew/neil, M, 2k

The first time you meet him is on the best day of your life.

do not disturb the cats | aftg, kevin/andrew, E, 3k

They’ve been kissing against the kitchen counter for… well, Kevin’s lost track of time, really. 

growing pains | omgcp, bitty/parse, E, 50k

In the beginning, everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong.

by wand or by knife | carry on, simon/baz, M, 1k

When Baz asked me not to make any plans for today, I didn’t question it. 

the benefits of a broken air conditioning unit and other summer lessons | aftg, andrew/neil, E, 3k

The curtains don’t quite reach the windowsill in the bedroom Neil and Andrew share.

a wreath of white lilies | aftg, kevin/allison, E, 4k

There is not enough waterproof mascara in the world, is the thought I’ve been playing inside my head, on a loop, for at least sixty hours now.

kaleidoscope | aftg, fem!andreil, M, 5k

Red. Blue. Green. Yellow. Purple.

celly | aftg, gen, T, 800 words

There are times in which Andrew thinks he could potentially enjoy Exy.

ooooooof. what have we learned? that i need to chill when it comes to both titles and first lines because some of these are stupidly LONG. my god. otherwise idk really? i think "do not disturb" and "benefits" have my favourite openers. the openers for both "benefits" AND "kaleidoscope" are motifs that get repeated all throughout the fic, it's fun to realise i've done that twice in a short period of time!!! "celly" in general i think is my fave of all of these fics and i'm very very fond of that line, even if i think it isn't super strong as an opening line. i can't find a pattern for these at all. some are very punchy, some are nothing, some are super exposition heavy... variety, baby!!!!!! lol

[skitskatdacat63]

Was absolutely blessed with three neighbourhood cats on my street during my walk home today so I’ll ask you Vettonso pets for your lore a day 😺

— Penalanon

aaaahhhhh omg I hope you got to pet them???

misc lore drop day 44/?

Interesting question!! They are definitely animal lovers, especially Seb, to the point where he wants to adopt every animal he sees. When it’s summer, Seb loves to try and venture off into the countryside, and see what it’s like to be a farmer. He’s weirdly obsessed with chickens and bees… Every time, he tries to convince Fernando to let him bring back whatever farm animal that’s caught his fancy this time to be their pet. Mark, ever reasonable, asks, ‘where would you even keep it?” Fernando, ever cold-blooded, says “Ah, fantastic, I didn’t realize you were in the habit of planning out future dinners.” Seb pouts at both of them, and instead goes to Jenson to inquire if there is any room in the stables for his newest fancy. 

Mark of course is the “manager” of most of their pets. Obviously there are a lot of people concerned with the care and upkeep of the royal pets, but he particularly has a huge soft spot for them. He spends a good amount of time with his- I mean Seb’s menagerie of dogs. He prefers hunting dogs because he likes to train them in his spare time. But he has a soft spot for all the lap dogs that Seb has somehow managed to amass. Their prissy, bratty nature reminds him of Seb, and what it’s like to care for him as well. Ever since Fernando has entered the picture, he’s had a lot more spare time on his hands, sigh. Seb usually leaves the responsibility of naming them to Mark. You can tell who named which one based on how pretentious the name is. They both tend to name them after literary figures, but Mark’s are a lot more simple, whereas Seb’s are insane. But his real mastery of naming is with all his horses. As I’ve talked about before, he only has mares and he gives them all really deranged names in Latin, such as: Catharina, Sordida Soror Catharinae, Depravata Dulciana, and Avida Heidia, just to name a few. Everyone thinks he’s so intelligent and learned, but the names in reality are sooooooo bawdy, and he thinks he’s so clever. Meanwhile Fernando just stares at him judgmentally when Seb introduces his horses to him, like, “wow you are literally the most childish man I’ve ever met in my life.” Meanwhile Fernando’s are all stallions named: Tomita I, Tomita II, Tomita III, Tomita VI… I like to think Jense has cute nicknames for them all, and they actually like him the best. 

I said Fernando bullies Seb for trying to adopt every animal he sees, but honestly Fernando is just as bad. He comes across a cat in the stables one day, and it’s skittish attitude…reminds him of himself. He admires cats’ independent attitudes, and amount of self respect. So he puts so much time and effort into coaxing the cat into being friendly with him. Seb’s sooooo jealous when he finds out the cat lets Fernando pet it, because Seb has been trying to pet it for months to no avail. Seb’s much more of a dog person, though maybe Fernando’s cat has a fellow orange kitty friend that’s a lot more friendly. I like to think that after that point, they foster a huge lineage of pet cats, and Fernando personally draws up a family tree.

[whumpshaped]

What oc is living rent free in your head right now?

We want pictures! We want rambles! We want chunks of scenes and favorite lines! This is a vent-about-your-blorbo free card! Go wild!

MAN OF THE DAY. MY BABY RAYAN.

i know i neglected his canon story for soooo long (i plan to finish it during the summer or whenever i have time- maybe it'll be earlier depending on how this year shakes out) but i keep using him for rp on discord and he's the best man. hes truly just. good egg personified

he has his flaws. everyone does. he has a tendency to be a little condescending to others, a tendency to mansplain a little... he has a bit of a saviour complex, a bit of moral superiority... he's good, he was raised to be good and nice and kind and respectful, and he has this noble goal of changing the world for the better, and honestly anyone who isnt working towards that has to be a bit misguided, right? this, paired with the fact that he's not immune to propaganda and harmful ideas......... ummmmm yea it can lead to Problems

BUT. at the core hes just such an absolutely squishy little man with the biggest heart. he really does want to do good. he wants to make people happy, he wants to love and be loved, he wants to touch people's hearts and make their lives better. he wants to marry a woman (lets say he wants to marry. hes in for some awakenings in his life) and open a dessert shop. he helps stray animals in his free time. he's just so ... he really is trying to make the world better in all the ways he knows how.

and because those rps usually included him getting the relationship he wanted sooo badly, i also know he's the best boyfriend ever. literally so caring and considerate and perfect. will bake you so many cookies. every birthday or occasion, hes READY with the prettiest tastiest cake of your dreams. also you get 'hey would you like to taste this before i try to sell it in the shop?' privileges.

nsfw

and that's not to mention he's a raging sub with both a praise AND a humiliation kink. also into pet play. if u want someone to sit and roll over for u, hes ur guy! just dont hit him. he cant handle pain to save his life. also dont forget aftercare (u wont be able to, he gets sooooo clingy, asking 'did i do well? did u enjoy it?')

[writtenforwylan]

My Friends as Marauders Era Characters

So I have a bunch of friends who I think can be a lot like some Marauders Era characters and I therefore am going to share them (and something about them too) with you. 

Evie - Lily Evans

Evie is incredibly intelligent, my best friend, and kinda short-tempered too. She’s the sweetest human ever but also has an ongoing feud with our English teacher (sorry Mr Shaw, but we are planning to give you a heart attack soon sooooo).

Ellie - Marlene McKinnon

Ellie is very opinionated, is low-key scared of everyone while everyone is low-key scared of her, and she’s loud, proud, and unapologetic. 

Ioan - Remus Lupin

Ioan is *the* most Remus Lupin human I’ve ever encountered, I swear. He’s in mostly top sets (everything but Cymraeg), he’s chaotic yet so smart, and he’s an absolute dumbass who puts up with everyone else’s dumbassery too. Love him.

Malachy - Sirius Black

THIS BITCH. 

Maiwenn - Pandora Sailstreame

Mai is so funny and so cool, but she knows it damn well, too. She knows she’s a glorious human and we all love her for it. (also, she has a really cute dog called Mostyn but that’s beside the point)

Millie P (i know 3 millies, okay?) - Mary MacDonald

Millie is opinionated, lovely, socially aware, and headstrong. She also knows exactly what she’s worth while being able to criticise her surroundings/herself and earlier she was talking about our RE class and how when we have it tomorrow, Johnny’s gonna eat EVERY SINGLE CHOCOLATE FINGER IN THERE. and she’s not even wrong. 

Hannah - Amelia Bones

Hannah is super sweet, nice, and always misses class for extra-curricular stuff. She’s in choir, ‘llefaru’, and she worked on the summer fair too. She does everything, is the kindest human, and she has a close-knit group of friends she’d do anything for. 

Levi - Barty Crouch jr

EMOOOOOOO

Asher - James Potter

As soon as Ash read the GV for me, I knew it would go well. and it did. Ash is so happy to completely nerd out with me for Gods know what, sit with me in comfortable silence while we’re doing our own things (paralel play), and we know we can go to each other for anything. (they also have set-aside pancakes every morning in school cause their mum is one of the lunch ladies)

So that’s my probable incomplete list of my friends as Marauders Era characters!

[moonjxsung]

NOO ITS OKAY ITS OKAY‼️‼️‼️ uni has been beating the shit out of me so trust me ik how it is

I've been pretty good 💞 starting school again hit me like an absolute truck I was NOT prepared for the senior year workload 😭 but I'm starting to get back into it and I'm doing okay with all my classes this semester (so far...) I'm debating waiting a year to start veterinary school but I also feel like I should just get it over with 😭 the sooner I start the sooner I finish. Gap years are always hard but idk yet. I'm just excited to graduate from here man 😭 get me outttt

my birthday was fun 🙌 I usually don't do much but a couple of my friends wanted to take me out for the big 20. We went to a Keane concert down in Berkeley and it was really fun, they sound amazing still. And then we stayed there one night and went to a baseball game in Oakland while we were there. That's what I love about having a summer birthday; I can actually do trips and stuff without worrying about deadlines and things 😭

AND YES OMGGG I saw this one girl posting about ticketing for the Seoul concerts and there was like half a million people in the queue like just before her 😭 I am not going to survive ticketmaster

Also the time thing like hello??? what do you mean case 143 was not one but TWO years ago... that's not real. Honestly sometimes it feels like ATE and Rock Star didn't even happen 💀 like I forget about them and my mind just goes back to five star and oddinary sometimes on accident when I think of the last cb

and thank you so much for the advice I know it'll get better 🙏 now that it's getting closer it feels more real, but I do really think it'll be good in the long run, and that helps. I am also so excited for fall like it's literally my favorite thing ever 🤭 when I'm stuck in bed post op I will ABSOLUTELY be binge watching scary movies and my favorite fall shows and eating my weight in Halloween candy (probably not the best plan of action bc I'm going to be stuck there for a while but ykyk..)

I hope your meeting went well, the procrastinating sleep when I know damn well I'm going to need it is so me 😓 I know I'll regret it in the morning but like... staying up late and watching skz edits and content is so much more fun than sleeping, yk???

ANYWAYS I wish you the world's longest naptime filled with cool pillows and soft blankets and warm kitties like momo and miley and many many hours of good quality sleep ❤️🤞 I love you so so much and I send you a virtual kiss along with your daily kitties and a sungie

💋💋 MWAH MWAH I love you star 💕💕💕

UGHHH that sounds so stressful I am so sorry bby ☹️ sending u allllllll the love and good vibes in the WORLDDDDD u got this I believe in u so hard !!!!!

Also no way you were in OAKLAND????? LIKE OAKLAND CA???????? STOPPPPPP YOU WERE LIKE 40 MINUTES AWAY FROM ME EJFKCKDKDMDFJJDKSJE THATS INSANE ????? I hope you had the best time ahhhh that sounds like so much fun!!!! I haven’t been back to Berkeley in a little while but I was there for a concert a few years back and we stopped at this waffle dessert place that was sooooo fucking good I still think about their Nutella waffles every single day of my life 💔 I’m taking you out for Nutella waffles next time you’re in Oakland

MDJFKSKFKFJFK ISNT IT CRAZYYYY HOW FAST TIME IS GOING like wym case 143 was 2 years ago????? Somehow I feel like I’m still stuck in 5-star era I swear we got the s-class teasers just last week 😭 the tour looks like sooo much fun and I’m so excited to see what else skz have in store for us AAAAAA I can’t wait for them to come back to Cali for tour 🤞☀️🫶

I can’t believe September is just breezing past too like we’re almost a month away from your surgery!! How are you feeling about it? Are you nervous at all? I tend to feel really excited when I have surgeries bc I just get to lie in bed all day and everyone takes care of me LMAOOO I hope it’s the same thing for you bby!!! Pls watch all the fun Halloween movies and eat so much candy for me 🫶 I’ll eat my weight in Halloween candy so we can twin

Anyways I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH MY ANGEL I am sending you sm love I can’t wait to hear all about how the rest of your September goes and I’m rooting for you until surgery 🫶 also I can’t remember if I have you on discord but if you need anything until then or you need to chat while you’re in recovery, feel free to hit me up there !! (Moonjxsung) I LOVE UUUUUUU 💞🫶💓💓💓💓❣️🧚‍♀️ here’s momo she loves u so much ‼️‼️

[girltomboy]

I finally went to my gynecologist to talk about my pap smear results, she said everything is fine and normal, I asked her about my random bleeding and whether it's normal for ovulation spotting to last for a couple days and she said yes, felt kinda bad for making a whole appointment just to talk about my results, but to be fair I did try to show up before and didn't find her there sooooo we're even babes. She's nice but seems rushed all the time. Makes me forget what I want to ask her! I wanted to ask if prolonged bleeding could be caused by hormonal imbalance esp thyroid-related, but I completely blanked. I'll ask the endocrinologist though, I'm thinking of making an appointment next week. And if I hadn't opened this blog I wouldn't have remembered about my flea market plans for this Saturday! There's a wine festival in my city these days and I'm thinking of getting a glass in honor of my friend who's passionate about wines but has a summer job abroad rn and can't attend.

Speaking of ABROAD, yesterday my best friend told me she's planning on moving to Germany this autumn, which has been a long term plan of her & her boyfriend's (who's lived there for most of his life). My first question was for how long, even though deep down I knew there was no deadline. She's simply moving there. I got so sad, I couldn't muster up anything beyond some questions about when we'll see each other next, and if we'll ever see each other again LMAO. So dramatic. I'm sorry now. But it made me incredibly depressed and I cried for hours. We already see each other once a year, now that's going to be an even rarer occurrence. She did say she's coming to my city in September to get another document from uni (ironic how she's finally free and yet she still needs documents to prove that she's FREE), and to be honest I really hope she's not bringing her boyfriend again. I really just want us to be alone for once, just this time. Or at least a few hours, idk. But if not, I won't be bitchy about it or anything. I've never been so. I'm just gonna be happy to see her again, until who knows when.

[josiejohnscn]

(Text) I'd love to join you to a pool day one of these days. Nowadays I'm in Minnesota spending some days in my cabin in the country. The show finalized a week ago so now I'm free for a few months, which is great and overwhelming after all the work I've had during the last months. I'm going to Munich and then Paris for a few days but I promise, I will visit you very very soon.

(text) How are you? How is everything at home? I read somewhere that the Victoria's Secret Show is back. I'm guessing you will be back since you are one of the best ambassadors they ever had!

[text]: that sounds like a dream! minnesota in the summer must be picturesque and the perfect weather. i was there a few years ago for the super bowl and it was sooooo cold, even for this danish girl! was the show everything you dreamed of and then some? at this point, our plan is to be home for the summer so you're always welcome to pop by whenever you're in town! unless something comes up work-wise, and in that case i'll let you know. collins and lennon need their aunt jess snuggles!

[text]: i'm really good and home is good too. it finally feels like we're settling in now that the renovation is complete and i'm not constantly pregnant. routine isn't the right word, but it felt like we were living temporarily before of that makes any sense? aww, that's very kind of you! to be honest, they haven't called and i don't know if i'd say yes if they did ask. but i know that candice was in the promo so i have to imagine that means she's in it! maybe a few other girls who have continued work with the brand too. | @jessiicalange

[blahandwhatever]

Had some legit good times lately, feeling better, getting back in touch with parts of myself that had gone underground for a while - but still sleeping sooooo much most days, feeling drawbacks each time I cut it short.

Slowly getting into the transition into fall and out of the bittersweetness of the end of summer. I think I did good at summer, all in all, and it's easier to be content with the end when I feel I lived it fully. I think, too, it's as good a season as any for The Burdens - enough sunshine and other pleasures to keep my spirits up at least some of the time, enough free outdoor entertainment to enjoy myself without much money (thankfully, I made keeping my gas tank full a priority, which I didn't always do before in times like this - and then I'd find myself frustratingly limited).

That said, I still feel like this transition is a bit quick - already so many color changes and some almost-bare trees. I usually don't think much about catching the fall colors until October.

I keep trying to catch up on various things at home and keep finding myself deprioritizing them in favor of job hunting, work (when I have it) and other money-making ventures, sleep, and/or the outdoors. The past three days have all revolved around unmissable outdoor opportunities. Thursday I went to the botanic garden again for another free admission day - even when not at its peak, it's still a good place for a nice long walk (and one of few walking spots that don't feel weird to dress up for). I still find myself in these back-and-forths between periods of getting overly sedentary (and/or housebound) and periods of making up for that.

Yesterday was a rare (for recent times) opportunity to enjoy some real warmth, so I made sure to go for a Buffalo Grove walk while the ever more elusive sun was still fully out. Had a little photo shoot with an unusually unflappable butterfly. Then, having received my latest taste test gift card (for probiotic-infused cherry colas), I had to do some shopping, and then I scrapped some other plans to take a nighttime shower and get to bed early in hopes of getting up and leaving the house at a reasonable time the next day.

Had an unusually difficult time sleeping last night - not just in terms of falling asleep early but throughout the whole night. Wonder if it could be as simple as having skipped my yogurt and not substituted it with an extra calcium supplement. Last time I had unexplained sleep troubles, calcium turned out to be the solution. I didn't think I'd be that sensitive to one-day fluctuations, but in any case, I made sure to correct that today, and we'll see.

Today I went to Naperville - usually a Sunday thing, but the weather was looking worse on Sunday, and it might've been my last chance to go for a bike ride this year. Given my poor sleep, I was, as usual for these trips, not in the best state - it's a curse, I swear. Still, I enjoyed the sights, and I did end up going for a bike ride - which I felt lukewarm about for a while, given my meh mood, the cloudiness, and a chilliness that left me regretting not dressing warmer, but eventually I warmed up, and the sun came out, and some pretty clouds formed in the sky, and I wound up doing a fairly thorough excursion through my favorite places along the lake route.

Other than that, my mother fed me as usual, and stocked me up on her cooking, and gave me a Crockpot she'd bought for herself but decided she wasn't going to use. I helped her sort out her latest issue with the dystopian nightmare that is a modern HP printer. Neither of us was in the best mood, nor the worst; we talked a bit and made do. Managed to go quite long without broaching the subject of my father - who's usually gone on weekends when my mother doesn't work, off playing poker - but inevitably, I asked eventually, and inevitably, that opened the floodgates it seemingly always does. I'll probably make a separate post on the latest with my parents,* though there hasn't been too much drama, and I've been relatively detached from it.

Last weekend I went to Schaumburg on Saturday and spent most of Sunday bogged down in a work project. Looks like this Sunday will be similar, in the interest of getting paid as soon as possible and staying on top of the razor's edge of my bills, though at least this project's not quite as long. Then there's the neverending chore catch-up and more job applications. Good enough for a rainy day.

I'm dying to finally put an end to the underemployment. Something's gotta give.

*Or maybe not. Might not write much about that situation unless it's actively on my mind a lot or there is some major development.

[letgolovemyself]

2022

Alright where does one begin? I really thought this was another great year, following 2021, and then September-December were an absolute shit show, of course being aligned with 555 which I saw from August till now. This year I feel like I spent more time alone than I have ever in my life. This is the first year of my life where I actually enjoyed the comfort of being by myself, looked forward to retreating to solitude, etc. This year was one of expectations versus reality: with people, myself, my job, my life, pretty much everything. At the beginning of this year I was pretty hopeful that I would meet the love of my life and finally get this happily ever after, which of course did not happen. IMO I “dated” 3 people this year: Mike, Adam, Pierce, Adam & Pierce at the same time LMAOOO jk you know that I was talking to at least 5 other people at the same time. I think the person I was most into was Adam, I was most heartbroken by Pierce. I also realized that I wasn’t actively dating until probably May/June of this year because I was in therapy, got diagnosed with BPD, I was changing jobs, finally got over Brendan and it took about 2 years. Which is honestly pretty impressive to me because I definitely thought it would take me probably the same amount of time that we dated. BUT WE MADE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE BITCH. I can listen to all the songs, go to raves, think about us without thinking that we should be together, I can look at photos and feel almost nothing - I am really 100% over it. 

I thought that 2020 was the hardest year of my life but bitch was I mother fucking wrong. I think 2022 was the hardest year of my life. I came face to face with Brendan and realized that he really isn’t shit and that he does this to every girl he encounters, which is so scary, but it helped me get over him and stop romanitcizing the abuse in my head. And yes, it was abuse (on both ends) because lying to someone, gaslighting them, just to string them along is abuse. Which is why when I apologized to him, he really stopped me mid sentence and told me not to apologize. I think he knows too that what he did was incredibly incredibly wrong and so fucked up. This was February when I also got into a bad accident, which likely is the reason my car ended up killing itself. The day after I saw Brendan is when this car accident happened as big old fuck you, realize your self worth, here is your punishment. But did I learn???? NOOOO hahahahah

I was absolutely miserable at CQA just being ignored, feeling like garbage with admin and my coworkers, being told that I called a child stupid... So I respected myself said fuck you to Glenn and I quit. I decided on a Thursday that I’m quitting, had my first round of interviews with Graham, second round on Sunday with Justin and in 3 days I was hired at Forte, and I didn’t return after spring break. This year I got a $7 thousand dollar raise. 

One highlight from this year was definitely moving to a job where I feel appreciated, seen, and valued. Forte is such an incredible school, the kids are great, staff is pretty good, and Justin trusts me to teach this curriculum, and said I have a talent for teaching reading and that it comes so naturally to me. 

When the school year ended, my summer plans were to go to Deadrocks and then come back and go to Spain, and I did all of that. Deadrocks was sooooo incredible, the most perfect experience I’ve ever had. I only knew Justin and Keyla, everyone else were strangers but they were the best group of strangers, we had such an amazing time. Refer to your notes app for more details bc I don’t want to get into all of it. I met Adam at Deadrocks, picked him up from the airport at like midnight, vibed the whole weekend, finished the weekend together at the airport. He is an absolute mindfuck of a person, but damn bitch if everything was perfect in the world, it would be him 100000%. I think we really get each other on a level that I can’t really explain, it’s just a feeling, it feels very much like I’m looking in a mirror sometimes. While at the same time I don’t quite feel I have to put on my best self in order to seem more appealing to him, which I do with literally every other guy. He feels like someone I’ve known for a long time, but I don’t know him that well at all. He feels like my favorite sweater. Which is type cute because I actually have his jacket right now. I wonder how different it is from his perspective because obviously I have a problem idealizing people as person with BPD. 

Spain was so amazing, I really can’t believe that I went to a whole different country by myself and spent basically the entire time alone. I was social and met some people around my age who were also traveling. I really shooted my shot a lot this year and it worked out every single time because men are bitches. While I was in Spain I was admitted to UAlbany to get my masters in literacy!! 

So in August I started grad school and my first full year at Forte, which was definitely the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. I worked my fucking ass off at my job, ran a club, built strong relationships with my students, helped them grow, and got a 4.0 GPA at the same time. 

Around the same time Mida and I stopped being friends, which I still don’t think I’ve processed because I’m unwilling to really think about how painful of an experience it is to kind of just continuously be dropped by people that switch up so fast, it is psychological torture when someone is your best friend and then the next day they say they don’t fuck with you anymore. The same thing happened with Justin, which was honestly for the best because I really wanted to end the friendship, but I didn’t want to lose the connection because I knew it would damage other relationships because he is literally a diagnosed narcissist, but ultimately he ended the friendship for doing the exact same thing he was doing, talking shit HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH. 

Anyways when I returned to Forte, I was seated next to Pierce and I was like alright this man is okay but he is definitely into me, so again I asked him if he could help me carry a TV, we started seeing each other in the beginning of September this lasted until Thanksgiving because I was so over begging this man for the bare minimum all the time, making all the plans. 

I just realized through this journaling that the men that broke my heart this year are both people that I actively pursued first meaning that I let my attraction/feelings be known. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m stepping out of my masculine energy and stepping into my feminine energy. 

Anyways I feel like this year I lost a few people that I was sure would be in my life for a long time, but I have realized I break my own heart so often because I invest in people so much more than they invest in me. I put so much more effort into my relationships than the other person does, so moving forward I will not be doing that. I’m giving everyone the same efforts they give me and only giving my energy to those that have shown me over time that they deserve it. I’ve been so extremely disappointed by people this year, and mostly I am disappointed in myself because I let so much slide, I gave people so many chances, and they showed me time after time exactly who they are, I knew in my gut they were not supposed to be in my life, but I made excuses for these people so many times just to keep them in my life. And I’m not doing that anymore. I think this is a normal part of getting older, you lose friends, etc. 

I’m only putting my time and efforts into the people that do the same for me.

I’m not forcing relationships anymore and I’m not begging anyone for anything ever again. I’m not looking for answers or reasons for why people have decided to leave my life or do the things that they’ve done. 

I’m being extremely exclusive and mindful of the people that I surround myself with because I’m over putting so much of myself into people just to end up by myself.

[foster-the-world]

Shitty Day

First the buyers decided they wanted to give us a last and final offer $50K less than what we all agreed to two days ago. They said we could keep it for the summer - which was already our plan. I would have felt better if they just changed their mind and cancelled the whole deal. I'm exhausted from making decisions and don't want to think about this anymore.

We had Bee's classmate, sister and parents over for pizza. I forgot that baby boy's caseworker told me she was going to do a visit tonight. Not a huge deal as it generally only takes ten minutes and she never has anything new to say. Of course, not the case this week. Apparently, Mom was found in jail. A nonprofit called on her behalf asking for visits. Caseworker said only virtual because she can't get him there herself. She said I can't do it "unless one of you go with me." Not sure what that means. Are we even allowed to transport on a visit to Rikers? I won't take him to a place with a subway transfer alone. I can only imagine what it takes to get to Rikers. Unless there are vans? He's fine in a carseat. Now my heads in a tailspin. Last time this happened, when he was under a year old, the nonprofit booked her in a spot in rehab for as soon as she was released. She never showed. At that point they offered her a spot in mommy and me rehab which she turned down. I hope that's not an option on the table now. He's too old. No idea how long she's in for. No idea what this means for TPR that is supposed to be filed in June. My heads been spinning ever since. Trying not to freak out. I want him to see his Mom - virtually or in person. I do not think it will be good for him for adoption to be delayed. I keep reminding myself we have no control over any of this. Right now he is happy, safe and healthy.

Case worker also confirmed his social security number application was lost. She's submitting another one but has not, yet.

During our dinner party I found baby boy standing in the toilet. Smile on his face. You cannot turn your head for one second with this kid. Not one second. Our friend's kid who was here tonight was sooooo much easier then him. She's four months older than him. No way he's going to be that well behaved in four months.

Last night my husband took him to the park. I met them there a little later. When he saw me his fat little legs could not have run any faster straight into my arms. Arms out, smile as wide as the sky. It's def the best moment of the month for me. Maybe year. Maybe ever. It was perfect. Best Mother's Day gift ever. His sweet little face is so perfect.

Bee lost her first tooth. She was so happy. I love it.

If you need an easy show with some clever lines Girls 5EVA on peacock is pretty good.