#sorry i was going nuts by myself i cannot believe this

[indigodawns]

im sorry but it's so fucking criminal to me that fucking dk lee seokmin a main vocal of seventeen & literal lead in a musical (TWICE) who's featured on a renowned musical actor's own album & who sings LIKE THAT!!! isn't truly THE MOST confident. get me in a room with this man. get literally every youtube singing coach in that room too. GET ALL OF MY FRIENDS WHO HEARD HIM SING EVEN ONE NOTE IN THAT ROOM. oh my g o d

unless he means as an entertainer but i also don't accept that he's the sweetest dude out there and he'll vibe perfectly with lee mujin im sure. dk of seventeen please reply

[offtorivendell]

On Elain, Gwyn and their apparent romantic worthiness.

TW: mentions of death, violent or sexual assault, infertility and pregnancy/childbirth related trauma. Please do not proceed if these topics bother you.

Disclaimer: please, please engage with this post with kindness. I promise I am not writing it to stir the pot, but because I - and many others - are fed up with seeing hurtful and harmful rhetoric spewed by the fandom, yet having no back up when dealing with it. Word vomit incoming, I'm sorry. This has been bothering me for a while.

My love to everyone who has been hurt by things they've read in this fandom. 💜

It's 2024 and I cannot believe we are still seeing posts, almost daily, about both of these women; all giving reasons why they cannot possibly be with Azriel. And I don't mean the debatable but utterly harmless discussions about Elain not looking good in black or Gwyn blabbing to Merrill when asked not to. Whatever, go nuts. I mean the truly horrific takes based around things these two women have had no control.

Now, my post history makes it very obvious where I stand in terms of ships, and yes, I'm well aware I've spoken before about the inherent power imbalance - that I perceive - which would exist if Azriel ever became involved with any of the priestesses in the women's shelter he is charged with protecting (to be clear, that's not me suggesting that Gwyn and her story isn't powerful, or powerful representation to those who see themselves in her, nor is it personal to Gwyn, or indicative of any of the sheltered priestesses and their ability to heal; it's purely a function of Azriel's position of authority over their sanctuary). I want to reiterate that my stating my feelings about this was never done with the intent to shame people who do ship them; we all ship who we like, and real world ethics should rarely come into it.

That being said, the following, in my opinion, is one of those times.

Firstly, I just want to say that lived experience informs how we interpret fiction, so please let me clarify something: the people who have said that they don't think Gwyn is ready for a relationship yet, and that NSFW fan art of her with anyone makes them uncomfortable, are not in any way in the wrong. They're simply the other side of the coin to those who find it empowering, and both are valid responses, often related to personal trauma. The problem lies with those very few who say that Gwyn could never have a romantic relationship, and call those who talk and/or post about it "gross." Some have called her "damaged goods." This is absolutely wrong and whoever is doing it needs to stop.

The entire fandom, even those who find romantic or NSFW content involving Gwyn uncomfortable to consume, frequently acknowledges that her trauma doesn't define her, and of course she should be able to enjoy love whenever she feels ready for it. Those who say otherwise are readily condemned from all corners. I've seen it happen and called the people out myself, as have many other Elriel shippers when necessary. However, Elriels are still very regularly and very publicly blamed for the actions of a few (some of whom I truly believe are burner accounts wanting to cause chaos, with their Elriel themed usernames and no post history), despite our largely collective action to call them out when we see it.

Could we do better? Absolutely, but so can you!

Because, on the other hand, I've noticed that, whenever I or others have tried to explain why the pliable bones "theory" - which attempts to reason that Elain could never be endgame with Azriel, as she and any baby would die during the course of pregnancy or childbirth - is equally as harmful, we are met with people publicly and wholeheartedly refusing to understand why (especially recently). Some horrific comments have been made to my friends, not to mention all of those I see well after the fact, which are never widely condemned by any but us. People will argue back that we're wrong, and have even suggested we're weaponising infertility! On Mothers' Day, of all the fucking painful days to say that.

Some of the push back I've seen recently includes:

"Nobody has said Elain is infertile."

No, nobody has, and that's not what we're saying or have ever said. We know you don't think this, as the Elucien fandom loves to write and draw Elain and Lucien's hypothetical future children (which is super understandable, as this is a romantasy fandom after all - no shame, enjoy your warm fuzzies).

What we are saying is that, if it's true that Elain's anatomy wasn't changed as Feyre and Nesta's was - and to be clear I cannot stand that entire plot, I wish SJM had chosen literally any other reason why Feyre's pregnancy was dangerous, as it is simultaneously degrading and doesn't fit with her previously established lore - then Elain and Azriel, together^, would be functionally infertile. Yet it's only ever framed as Elain's body not being able to work with Azriel's, never the other way around.*

^Why didn't the bat boys have to sacrifice their wings to keep their wives/mates safe? Why did the women have to change their anatomy? Because it would make it harder for them to be all powerful? Well Nesta sacrificed her powers! Why not just have Feyre be cursed by an enemy or something, and Nesta found a way to use the Dread Trove to save them all. Ugh. I love SJM's books, but this was such a miss.

*HOSAB/HOFAS SPOILER: funnily enough, this was never said about Ruhn and his eventual mate, even though he actually did think he may be unable to father children, thanks to the Oracle's prophecy. People shipped the hell out of him and a couple of different women throughout the CC series, despite the chance he could never get them pregnant.

"People haven't called Elain damaged goods, so it's not the same. We're allowed to not like her."

My faerie porn* lover in christ, what the fuck do you think the pliable bones "theory" is actually doing? It is suggesting that Elain's hypothetical inability to survive having children with Azriel, and for those children to also survive childbirth, is impaired. Ergo, she's damaged.

We don't care if you don't like Elain, we're allowed to have different preferences in characters and ships. That has never been the problem.

*I use this term with affection as a great lover of the genre.

But "damaged" vs a functionally "impaired" uterus? It's the same damn thing, and sorry, it's misogynistic af, not to mention ableist and homophobic at a minimum. In the same breath you are also reducing your favourite to her apparently functional uterus (even though the pliable bones argument is medically inaccurate, by the way - this is really damning of the state of health education across so many countries).

"Hahaha/lol."

Yes, I have seen people laugh and treat this as a joke. As recently as tonight, in fact. It's disgusting.

Regardless of your lived experiences and shipping preferences, both of these takes about Elain and Gwyn are equally degrading and horrific and need to stop, but if you're only calling out the comments that hurt you/your friends/your ship and not the others, then you should maybe attempt some basic self reflection and analyse those double standards you're carrying.

This entire fandom needs to do better. I'll say again, for the umpteenth time, to any of my fellow Elriels that if you think mocking Gwyn's past is funny, then you're not mature enough to read an adult series. But this works both ways, and if you think mocking infertility is funny/use it as a win, then you're just as immature. I would really and truly appreciate it if we were not left alone to argue over and over again why discriminating against someone who couldn't "have a man's children" is wrong, and why many, many people in this adult fandom - that is largely comprised of women! - might find such a theory, and the resulting discourse, incredibly upsetting.

Infertility hurts; not having a kid when you want one can be viscerally painful. Besides that, I know very few people who have given birth who don't carry around some sort of emotional or physical trauma from doing so. Treating a character's hypothetical infertility with one man as a joke is gross.

Please don't call Gwyn "damaged goods" or suggest that Azriel would choose somebody else over Elain because she couldn't have his kids.

They are the same thing.

It's not hard to be kind. Pain is not a competition.

We should all do better, and take care of each other.

[chronicmedisorder]

i cannot fucking beleive i just did this

i was screaming to my mother and grandmother about minecraft and annoying them immensely, as i often do, and while i was catching my breath i happened to look outside. what i saw was so amazing, so eye catching, so interesting, that i just had to mention it.

i see it, and instantly i shout

"SQUIRREL!!!"

so enamoured i was with this squirrel, that i didn't notice what i had just done. my grandmother was laughing hysterically, my mother had her head in her hands, and i was staring at this fat fucking squirrel in my backyard eating nuts. then it dawns on me: i've just done something i thought i would never do again. i remembered when this last occured:

i was nine or ten. the situation was quite similar; my mother on the couch, a captive audience for me to infodump to till my hearts content (or until she got fed up with me). i'm so excited about whatever it is i'm speaking about, i'm talking faster than my brain can keep up with, which of course means my mind is wandering away from the topic at hand. and then i see it, in all its glory, and i scream the damned word. my mother begins laughing, as do i. it was funny, and i could tell it was a peak example of my rampant (then undiagnosed) ADHD.

when i realised it was a meme about adhd-ers on the internet, i decided that as funny as it was, it was to be my life's mission to never say that again. i can be distracted by whatever i see outside, but it must never be a squirrel, for i must prove that my annoying ass condition is not limited to screaming "squirrel" at inopportune moments.

but now here i was; my train of thought shattered by the appearance of my worst enemy. i have never been so sure my medication wasn't working as i was right at this moment, because i had failed. i had done it again; let a squirrel distract me from the torture i inflict on my family in the form of minecraft trivia and building tips. i couldn't have done this, i couldn't have failed my adhd brethren, i thought. and yet here i was, ashamed, for the squirrel has once again won. i believed myself to be stronger than our worst enemy; that was my mistake.

i have failed, my life now has no purpose. i have lost, what is there left for me here? i cannot go back to my clan now, shoulders heavy with the weight of defeat, but what other options do i have? what can i do now?

i am sorry, for i have proven stereotypes correct. i will pay for my sins, i promise thee.

it was a really fat squirrel though, so there's that. that's pretty cool.

[lemonhemlock]

ASOIAF fandom is so hilarious to observe on a sociological level because why are there countless stans who have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the entire history of Westeros but cannot pick up the most obvious themes and foreshadowing. There are users who can tell me what the Red Keep chimney sweep overheard Maegor saying to one of his 977578 wives on a random Tuesday in 109 A.C. word for word, but does not believe that there is any foreshadowing for Dark Dany, Dany won't burn KL, and even if she does burn KL Martin won't frame it as a bad thing because things like mass casualties happen in war all the time.

I'm sorry but this is insane dfndfndfndfns like it's crazy? It's the most 'cannot see the forest for the trees' fandom I have ever experienced and it's honestly just baffling to witness.

This is a very interesting observation and I think part of the reasoning is certainly rose-coloured glasses & bias for one's favourite character(s). But, IMO, this environment has also festered in the last 12+ years since the publishing of ADWD because people are going nuts with such a large gap between books.

The quandary is that, despite the staunch and sometimes aggressive discourse on the matter, the series has been left in such a spot that really lends itself to various, sometimes contradictory, interpretations (if one is willing to give grace to others and not automatically assume everyone else is shortsighted or peace spoilers). No one likes hearing this because they all have put so much stock into being right by now,* but the truth is that, if you want to mount an argument for Saviour Dany, you can cherry pick some elements from the text, such as Dany's empathy for enslaved people, her emotional thought process, her striving to be kind and just etc - all of which are true enough, because Daenaerys is, thankfully, a well-crafted character and not a two-dimensional white girl pastiche. Likewise, if you're a Dark!Dany belieber (sic) like myself, you're going to be drawn to other recurring motifs in her story, such as her entitlement to a throne that doesn't "belong" to her, her unwillingness to examine her family's problematic past and history with violence, her eagerness to employ that violence in her quest for queenship, her equating social liberation with her simultaneously being at the top of the pyramid, her disinterest in what the people of Westeros actually want, her belief that her decisions are always correct and morally righteous etc.

So, to expand on this example further, could someone really craft a further two books where Daenerys turns into this benevolent queen who comes to be loved by the people of Westeros for selflessly saving them from the ice monsters? Of course someone could, anyone can do anything. Would it be a good story? LOL. Would it be in line with the themes already developed? Double LOL. ASOIAF could also turn out to be a bad story, you know! There's always that possibility. IMO the seeds for her downfall are already there, but the truth is that they're not exceptionally overt for a lot of readers and so they find them hard to accept. If evil why friend-shaped etc.

If everything had gone to plan, these insane debates would not have had time to get so out of hand, because we would have had TWOW published 5-6 years ago and things would have become clearer by now. It's just that GRRM left us off in murky waters, with a text that's ambiguous enough in some places and a fandom that likes to one up each other and is bored enough to seek entertainment in trench wars & endless arguing. And Dany is just one point of contention, you have people out there fighting for their lives about Sansa, about whether Young Gryff is Rhaegar's son or not, about Stannis being the proper ruler for Westeros etc. Something that irks me is how a lot of these fans become so belligerent and can't just accept that sometimes the text we have so far is just vague! Because the story is unfinished! Sometimes it's really not just because everyone else is stupid or racist or misogynist, the text really IS lacking, with two full books missing.

*We also live in rather peculiar times, socially-wise, with the advent of content creators that have literally gone on to make an entire livelihood out of commenting on ASOIAF and presenting theories. Since people are so bored and desperate for some kind of content, they flock to these BNFs and that contributes to the popular interpretations being recycled. When you quit your day job to do this full-time, you kind of become dependent on your audience and feel the need to tell them what they want to hear because otherwise your paycheck is affected. And no one is really eager to forgo paying next month's rent because of something silly like criticising Dany online. This, in turn, influences new fans coming in and searching for information on their favourite characters, so when they encounter the popular talking points for years, of course they're going to take it at face value, because so many people can't be wrong, right?

[sapphyreopal5]

As I'm pushing myself through this show Wildfire, I'm getting more and more annoyed with Kris Furillo. I know this show is trying to push The Davis family as the antagonists and Kris as the main protagonist. I'm currently on season 3 of 4. Here are some of my thoughts so far.

I will admit that Dani was just a straight up biotch at first. Calling someone a slut for reasons out of sheer jealousy come across as immature. Yes they were young adults in this show but still, there's enough young adults out there who refrain from using such phrases even if they are green with envy. Plus, she herself did behave the same way she accused Kris of being. However, I admire her strong sense of family loyalty even to the point where she is willing to take the fall for drugging a horse to win a race when it was in fact her dad. I also do respect her a lot more for trying to keep the Davis Farm afloat even if it meant being a bit more "cut throat". We have to be to stay afloat in the business world. I respect her growing up the way she has so far. She still has got some ways to go but overall, her character development has been nice.

On the other hand, Kris Furillo is driving me nuts. Yes, her loyalty to Wildfire is inspiring. Her efforts to redeem herself from a life of crime is also noteworthy. I however absolutely CANNOT stand how much she jumps from guy to guy. They tried portraying Kris as this tough girl with a criminal background yet she throws herself at men. Just about every time she saves the day it is on the back of a man saving the day. Cool so she punched Bobby after coming into her rival Dani too strong and twisted Juniors arm for an unsolicited kiss. She will give credit to others so long as it isn't Junior it seems.

The way she played Matt and Junior throughout the show is absurd. She also claims to be loyal to Raintree because "they made me who I am" but proves that she ultimately cares more about winning than anything else. I'm sorry, I will say Jean should've stuck to her opinion on this one. It IS 💯 Kris' fault for trusting Kerry so much making it so he robs Raintree. Way to call out Matt and Dani dating as business partners, but turning around and doing the same with your agent. The hypocrisy and flip flopping Kris exhibits throughout this show drives me up the wall. I will admit I wanted to see her lose to Picaro and Davis Farms because her arrogance needs to be shot down.

I agree with Pablo saying the Ritters keep trying to help her but she keeps pushing them away. I think Pablo might be one of my favorite characters in this show. He's one of the more reasonable characters who doesn't let any love interests steer him in the wrong direction. Yeah, he made a mistake and got involved with a man who intimidates people. However, his mistake did admittedly help Raintree with the bills some and made honest efforts to get rid of him after the fact. Pablo isn't in the least bit out for just his own personal gain. To me, his loyalty to Raintree is unquestionable, more present than Matt's overall.

As for Junior, I feel for him. The amount of times he's saved the day for Kris without asking for a thing in return yet can't even trust him boggles my mind. The fact she refused to believe Junior when Kerry was taking his plane to go fly to Mexico NOT to go back to her and trusting Kerry blindly as much as she did... seriously, the moment I saw him, I knew he was shady af. She just fell for his charm and it cost her employer their due "purse money" from the Breeders race. He spends a lot of this series trying to better himself and give him props for trying to be independent and not "being just a Davis". He can be annoying at times yes but the kid's got a lot of heart. Hell of a lot more than Kris honestly if you ask me.

I did find it cute how he was carrying a book with the word Flame circled and then a moment after Kris walked out with the foal she named Flame. Seems like such a "twin flame" nod to me. I love little synchronocities like this to hint at who someone is meant to be with and such, be it in fiction or reality.

Matt actually kind of drives me crazy. He "falls in love" with every girl that gives him attention. He goes in too deep too fast. It seems to be borderline creepy the way he's watched Kris quietly multiple times throughout the series. I know it's just a quiet admiration as this is what the writers likely tried to portray for him. Quiet, romantic nice guy but really he needs to spend a little bit of time not dating. I also perceive his relationship with Gillian an example of him going too fast. Saying I love you to Tina Sharp in no time at all, just no man. I wanted to see more from him but I hope he comes around better season 4.

My feelings about Jean have been overall positive. I'm not thrilled about her sleeping with Pete effectively cheating on Charlie then later calling him about Tristan. I think at times she makes some very emotional, poorly thought out decisions. However, I do see overall she's burned out and needs a real vacation. Her failure of a good time at the winery doesn't count to me ha ha. I suppose we all make poor decisions and I wish she'd stick to her guns more. I appreciate her putting her foot down with Kris more when Avatar is making better times than Wildfire is. I'm getting a bit tired of Kris taking advantage of Jean's kindness/manipulating her via either squandering it or threatening to leave Raintree.

Tina Sharp is pretty fun overall, I like her spunk and think she adds some vitality to the show. Also one of my favorites in this show. Not gonna lie, it's cool that the original Pink Power Ranger showed up in another role years after that show ended. She is cut throat yes but she knows what she wants and will go for it. I don't perceive her moves in previous seasons as vindictive or villainous. Yeah she encouraged Kris to take painkillers... for being in pain.

Not like she was trying to turn Kris into a druggie, like her mom. I'm not sure why Kris is adamant Tina is such a bad one. I also like how she stood up to Dani challenging her threat to turn in Kris and herself for "trespassing" when looking at the horses like Ishmael from afar. She was also blunt in saying she believes Matt takes everything seriously when Kris asked her about their past relationship. I respect her period. She's not afraid of being herself. Without a doubt, she's one of the best actresses on this show by a long shot.

These are just my current thoughts on the characters of this show thus far being halfway into season 3.

[sunlightandsuffering]

is this god finally giving me an ultimatum to just get myself an AO3 account after having lurked on the site anonymously since I was 13, if so then divine intervention fr

I cannot believe I will be able to put actual bookmarks and maybe even get notified if fics get updated instead of constantly checking 70 open tabs (which btw is how I found out I cannot access your stuff anymore and I had a literally heart attack for a second)

there’s literally no other who could force my hand like this and bebe the way I broke into cold sweat the second I realised I could not access switch anymore, you literally got me wrapped around your pinkie 😭 I hope you are aware of the power you’re wielding

on a more serious note, once I checked here to see what was going on, I was so furious… who pulls shit like that and ends up being such an asshole about it

there’s translating fics WITH PERMISSION to make them more accessible, and there’s being a kleptomaniac cunt with zero self awareness and even less remorse

I am ready to throw hands whenever you need me to, we are all taking this very personally! how dare anyone disrespect artist like this

I am really glad you and ris found out and managed to intervene… I am so sorry you have to go through this… sharing your work with such a wide audience should not be taken for granted so pls proceed with your work the way you feel most comfortable (even though it will be very painful for a lot of us but if we have to wait so be it, your feelings should definitely be the priority)

AHAHAHAHA omg lol ! Ur so funny I love it, ur truly iconic for that but also I genuinely don't understand how u did it, that'd drive me nuts lol !!Ugh omgg switch ! I know that's the biggest blow I think ! But i agree, it's the audacity and arrogance like fuck right off! I'm laughing about 'kleptomaniac cunt' tho lmfaoo i love u 😂 The reason I have such a hard time with it tho is bc yeah like this person doesn't see fics the same as art or anything they don't give a fuck bc it's a lesser form of creativity to a lot of ppl and it sucks :( But thank u so much for ur support bb!! 💗💗 THE TIME FOR AN AO3 ACCOUNT IS APPARENTLY NOW LOL !! I think I'll start with unhiding Magic Mayhem and see how I feel later about the rest of them !

[lorwolf-salt]

Hi Anon! Vis here again. This is the last time I will respond directly to you, as arguing with someone online isn’t worth my time. I’ll keep my sentences brief, and hopefully understandable. I do ask for wolf links if the wolf is not linked directly in a thread, or I cannot find it in the seller’s den. I ask because it’s convenient for me, and whoever else may be interested in that wolf. I want to know who is selling it. I’m sorry this is seen as a dick move. 1/5

If it’s posted, and I don’t respond, it means I’ve likely taken a look at the wolf, and decided it is not for me. I always ask in the forum, so others may see the link. The forums are a public place after all, so anyone can see the posts. I work an 8:30 to 5pm job. Monday to Friday. I barely have time for both my FR account and Lorwolf. I don’t multi. I’m not in the Discord. If someone is in the Discord by the name of Vissyn, they are playing a prank, and not a kind one. 2/5 I kindly ask that if they are reading to stop pretending to be me. I’ll go ahead and Doxx myself, but my Discord handle is VisionarySyn. Vissyn, get it? I like puns and wordplay. As with anyone with any hidden disability, we are working to better ourselves daily. I was a little bitey for sure, but I am working on that. Now, let’s get into it. Based on your reactions, and what I know by lurking, my guess is that you are either EL, or maybe FB. My best guess is the former. 3/5 It seemed like you were going through a lot with your profile, and I hope you sincerely get the help you need. To Salty Loria, May I make a few suggestions? I would sincerely hope that for any multi accusations you require proof before you post the thing. 4/5 I also think you may need some better rules based around harassment. I wouldn’t know how or what to suggest to add to your screening process? But I believe that you may be being a little more lax than your Saltmine Rising counterpart, and what would pass here, wouldn’t pass over there. Personal bias there, being essentially called a cuckoo and a nut case. 5/5

Apologies for missing the multi-accounting accusation - I normally will include a blurb asking for proof under those submissions if screenshots are not provided, but I must have missed it when queueing. I'm currently the only mod active here, on saltminerising, and on saltboroughs, and I don't have a lot of free time to queue currently.

[flowersforjude]

𝐕𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐃𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 ≈ 𝐢𝐢. 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲

❛𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘴 𝘐 𝘵𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯, 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦 ❜

﹙finnick odair x fem!oc﹚

﹙previous chapter ➵ next chapter ➵ masterlist﹚┈﹙read on ao3 ➵ read on wattpad﹚

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | canon typical violence, bandaging wounds, mentions of lack of food/food aversion, finnick odair being charming, etc.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 3.4 k

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞 | When you see the tag 'friends to lovers', believe it. Finnick and Lyssa's friendship is so sickenly sweet it makes me hate myself. I love a good enemy to lovers as much as anyone, but I CANNOT write that for Finnick. I tried. But this is a slow burn, so y'all get that.

Once we pushed through the crowd of people and reporters that had already gathered around the train station, we were ushered into the dining car. There was an extravagant meal set out on the long table. The steam and scent rising from the bowls of soup, baskets of bread, trays of cheese, and more made my mouth water. I held myself back from devouring the whole spread. Hector had no such reservations; he sat himself down and loaded his plate.

"Do help yourself, dear." Sabine instructed when she saw me standing there. "I'm going to inform your mentors that you're here."

After she left, I continued to stand, gazing at the meal before me. It's not that I didn't want to eat; I did. While 4 wasn't necessarily a poor district like eleven or twelve, there was a severe separation of those who were well off and those that struggled. My family had the misfortune to be part of the half that struggled. So yes, I very much wanted to eat, but I was afraid of throwing it back up since my stomach wasn't used to rich Capitol food.

"For crying out loud, sit down and eat." I was startled by Hector suddenly talking. He pulled out the chair by him and patted it. "Come on."

I hesitantly sat down and reached for a slice of the steaming bread. If I ate a little at a time and slowly, maybe my stomach would have mercy on me. When I finished the bread, I took a piece of cheese and another slice of bread and placed the cheese on top.

"Is that all you're going to eat?" Hector asked. "Don't you eat that on a daily basis?" When I gave him an incredulous look, he got a little flustered. "Sorry, it's just that folks from your part of 4 don't have a lot. I figured you'd want to try the turtle soup or whatever that pink stuff is."

"I don't want to overwhelm my stomach," I answered. And if I'm being honest, I'd feel extremely guilty if I gorged myself on Capitol delicacies while my family was home going hungry.

"Oh yeah, that makes sense," he chuckled. When I didn't say anything else, he took that as a sign to keep talking. "My brothers would be going nuts over this stuff."

I furrowed my brows. "You're the mayor's son. Don't you eat all this stuff all the time?"

"Only on special occasions," Hector said.

I hummed in response and continued with my bread and cheese.

"So, do you have any siblings?" Hector asked.

Without thinking, I blurted out, "You talk a lot." I regretted it immediately, as he seemed to shrink into himself. "I'm sorry," I said hastily. "It's just that during the reaping, you came across as the silent type."

"I was scared out of my mind."

It was silent for a moment before I spoke. "I have a sister."

Thinking of Shae and my family reminded me that I shouldn't be talking to Hector like a friend. Eventually, he'll be my enemy, my openet. I should be putting a wall up. Not making small talk with someone who would be trying to kill me in a week.

I stood to excuse myself just as the door to the compartment slid open. Three people walked in, and I recognized them as some of the Victors of 4. Everybody knew of them. Every year at school, after the games, we'd have a lesson on the newest Victor. The lessons lasted a week, but if the winner was from our district, then it stretched into two weeks.

There was Clay Ledger, tan and tall. He won almost a decade ago. Apparently, he killed two opponents at the same time by bashing their heads together. People say he's the king of kindness, though.

Then Midori Hall, with her pretty dark skin and romantic brown eyes. She's one of the most desired women in Panem. She's also deadly; in her games, she hid up in the trees and dropped down on her enemies to deliver the killing blow. Since she won, she's been acting as a nature activist.

And the last one, Finnick Odair. He's by far the most famous. He won his games at fourteen, the youngest in the history of the games. Since then, he's been dubbed the heartthrob of the Capitol. All the women want him, young and old. He's got the typical beach guy handsome thing going for him–sandy blonde hair and sea green eyes. Like the beach personified. Don't let that fool you, though. There's a reason he's a victor.

"I'm Midori." The dark haired woman introduces herself. Her voice was soft but held an air of firmness. She was also taller than I imagined. "This is Clay, and-"

"Pretty boy doesn't need an introduction," Clay teases. He shakes Finnick's shoulder playfully. The grin the older victor wears is almost sickening, but I can see it isn't fully genuine. That fact only strengthens my knowledge that, even if you came home a victor, that doesn't mean you won. You still have to live with what you did. With who you are now. "I'm sure they know who he is, Midori. We're old news compared to Finnick."

The younger man's lips tilt in a small smile, his dimples making an appearance. Then he shoves Clay off of him in a way I can't decide is good natured or not. "Thanks for that, Clay." Finnick says, taking a few steps to the side to ensure he wasn't jostled again.

I look on and wonder how they can act so casually. How can they act like they're in such good spirits? Maybe they're not, and I'm already seeing everything as fake, as a threat.

Clay offered a smile at Hector and me and moved to take a seat at the head of the table. "Sorry to get right down to business, but we haven't got a lot of time."

Midori stood behind him. There were rumors that they were together, but they've never gone public with it. "First things first, are there any special skills you have that we should be aware of?"

"I was trained at the academy," Hector said. "I was pretty good with hand-to-hand combat."

"Good," Clay nodded.

"What about you?" Midori asked me.

"Not anything really," I said sheepishly. "I guess I'm good with throwing knives. My dad taught me."

"Okay, that's good," Clay said. "You're both very promising."

Finnick nods and finally decides to contribute to the discussion. "The other tributes will be just as good, if not better, than you, though. So be sure to take full advantage of the training days offered to you."

"Yes," Clay agrees. "The few days that tributes are allowed to train will give you vital chances to practice your skills and give you a higher chance of winning."

"Have you seen much of the other tributes?" Hector asks, still nursing a bowl of some Capitol dish.

Midori sighed and claimed the chair to the right of Clay's. "We reviewed the reaping footage earlier, and so far, one and two are looking the strongest." No surprise there. Districts one and two almost always produce the best tributes. "Six and five also look good, but none of the others stood out."

"You got all that information from watching the reaping?" I chime in. Midori nods her head from her seat. "So the other mentors analyzed us?"

"Most definitely," Clay replies smoothly.

I thought of the other mentors watching me shuffle my way to the stage and mumble through the questions asked of me. It put an uneasy feeling in my stomach. "What do you think they have to say about us?" My eyes fixed on Finnick, directing the question to him. Somehow I knew he'd be honest.

"Hector looks strong, and he has the intimidation factor. The mentors will warn their tributes to be aware of his size and strength." Finnick pauses and purses his lips before moving onto me. "You? You're small, but you're lean, so you obviously have some mussels, but your appearance will make others underestimate you. You'll be an easy target for tributes."

Even though I asked and I knew he'd be brutally honest, I still couldn't help the deflation of my already hazardous mood. I nodded my head while biting my lip. My mind was ushering me to the blank oblivion that it craved. "Okay, any suggestions on how to fix that?"

"Well, for one, you could stop bleeding on the tablecloth." Finnick pointed out in a voice that sounded a bit shocked.

I suppressed a weary laugh as I looked down to see the growing red stain on the once white tablecloth. "Oh, great," I chuckle.

"Why are you bleeding?" Hector asked, alarmed.

"Doesn't matter." Finnick answered for me. "We need to get that bandaged, or else Sabine will lose her sequins." He moved and motioned for me to follow him.

"I can take care of it myself." I assured him, even though I was right behind him already. I longed for a moment alone just so I could get a grip on my nerves.

"You don't even know where the bathrooms are, do you?" He asked. I remained silent. "Yeah, I thought as much, so stop being modest."

I followed Finnick out of the dining car. My eyes roamed the broad expanse of his sweater-clad back, focusing on the pristine threads. I wanted to be sick, and only the reminder of the food I ate made me swallow it down. I wished my hands would stop shaking, but it was that or break down in front of Finnick Odair. That wasn't something I wanted to experience.

The man in question stopped abruptly, and I almost ran into him. My bloody hand shot up and caught me. When I hurriedly jumped back, there was a red stain on the pure white fabric of his sweater. I couldn't help but imagine the rest of my blood seeping out of some wound as I lay dying on the ground of the arena.

Finnick craned his head back to look at me. "Sorry," I muttered. "I got blood on your shirt."

His shoulders shrugged nonchalantly. "I have other ones."

The door to a bathroom whooshed open, and I found myself standing among marble countertop and glimmering gold-accented walls. I couldn't hold back my grimace as I took it all in. It seemed completely ridiculous to need a bathroom to look this over the top.

"Here, sit on the counter." Finnick instructed as he rummaged through a cabinet on the opposite wall.

I hopped up onto the vanity, leaning my back against the smooth mirror. As I waited, I held my hands together to control the shaking.

"You don't have to do this for me." I said as Finnick held a cloth under the water faucet. "I know how to bandage a small wound."

"My job is to help you, Lyssa." He stated, taking my hand and whipping away the dried blood crusting on my palm. "Besides, you're going to want to save as much of this as you can for the arena."

I laughed humorlessly. "Thanks for the advice, mentor."

Finnick looked at me with a severe expression. "I'm serious. It's going to be brutal in there." His face was a mask of grim understanding. I should be taking his words seriously, but all I can think about is how my damn hands are still shaking. How Shae is probably laying in my bed right now, just as worried as I am. How the chances of me surviving are incredibly slim.

I shut my eyes and rested my head on the mirror. I could feel tension pounding at my skull.

The sound of a package being ripped open met my ears, and I soon felt the soft touch of gauze being placed over the cuts. "I'm going to die in the arena." I announce faintly.

"You will die if you go in thinking like that." He promised, finishing up with putting the bandage on my hand. "If you'll get over this 'I'm doomed' attitude, I'll help you." I met his fierce eyes, but I thought I saw a sadness lurking in them that seemed too genuine to be fake.

"How are you going to make sure I survive?" I asked, leaning closer to him off the sink. "I'm not any different from the other tributes, and like you said, they're probably better than me anyway." I couldn't meet his eyes. I couldn't look at them and risk seeing the same hope and faith I saw in my family's faces.

"You have such little confidence in yourself," Finnick scoffed. He'd finished dressing my cuts, but he didn't back away. "You said your father taught you how to use throwing knives, right?" I nodded. "Build on that skill during training, then. And I'll help you learn how to make the Capitol like you so you'll get sponsors."

I hopped off the sink, my hand now taken care of, but my mood did not improve even with Finnick's uplifting words. "It's not going to be that easy." I grumbled under my breath.

Finnick walked out of the bathroom and waited outside the door for me. "It won't be," he agreed. "But don't you think you owe it to your family to at least try?"

"You're a lot different than I thought you'd be." I find myself saying.

"Oh," he chuckles.

I nod. "Yeah, I think I would've liked to meet you under different circumstances."

He smiles, and it's like a light is being shone down on him from above. "How would you have liked to meet?"

"Maybe at the market," I shrug.

He laughs as we turn a corner. "That would've been great," he agrees. "I would have been busy looking at the plants."

"And me being me, would have run into you because I never look where I'm going, truthfully." I built onto his little scenario.

"I would have rushed to help you up because that's just the gentleman in me. We would have introduced ourselves, and I'd offer to carry your bags home for you as an apology," he continued.

I turn my head so I can see him, and he's still smiling. His eyes still held that strange sadness behind them, though. It confused me some, I'd always had the impression that Finnick loved everything to do with the games. But he didn't seem to be too happy at the moment.

"That would have been a lot nicer than this." I mumble in conclusion.

━

My designated bedroom is impressive. The lush carpet and warm colored walls were surly designed to put one at ease. It has the opposite effect on me. I resent the comfort I have at the tips of my fingers because it reminds me that my family is at home. That they aren't here to share in this luxury with me.

The ceiling I stare at is becoming increasingly more boring with every passing minute. I've been laying in the lavish bed for hours now. Tossing and turning under the duvet, which in normal circumstances, I'd be overjoyed to be covered up with. I have too many thoughts racing through my mind to even contemplate sleep. I get tired of the restlessness, so I slip out of bed. I opened the door as quietly as I could. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to wander around or not.

I have no destination in mind as I find myself in the dining car once again. The table is bare now. The tablecloth with my blood stained on it and the extravagant meal are now gone.

Finding nothing of interest in this room, I move on. I find my way to the last compartment on the train. It's a lounge area with a big circle couch along the back wall.

I don't know how long I sat there by myself. I could've spent hours watching the twisting shadows pass by the train window. I imagined Shae crawling into bed with my parents, seeking comfort in their embrace since I wasn't there. It eased my troubled watered thoughts to picture her snuggled up between them. I found solace in the fact that they all had each other.

I thought about all the things I didn't get a chance to say to them. The goodbyes I would have said and promises I would have made. My mother always said that I had this talent for disappearing into my own head. I've always been grateful for this gift, for the ability to help myself when nothing else could. Right now, it came in really handy. Instead of thinking of how I might very well die, I think about other things to keep my mind off of it. I don't want to think about how I'll react once I actually let it dawn on me.

"Couldn't sleep?" Hurtling headlong into my messy thoughts, I hadn't even heard the door slide open. But there was Finnick standing in the moonlight with rumpled clothes and bedhead.

My heart raced for a split second at the sudden sound of his voice, but I let out my startled breath and relaxed back into the cushions.

"I could ask you the same thing." I responded, eyeing him cautiously as he took a seat next to me. His eyes looked tired, and there were distinct purple bags beginning underneath. I couldn't help but think he looked slightly striking like this. Loose clothes and sharp features made soft in the silver glow of the moonlight.

"I know it won't help," he spoke slowly. "But you really shouldn't stay up. You're going to want to rest as much as you can. Sleep is hard to come by once you're in the arena."

I didn't respond right away; I just kept gazing out the window. My hands had stopped trembling hours before, but my thumb kept rubbing across the bandage that was resting on my palm. I thought back to what Finnick had said when we left the bathroom.

"I haven't given up," I swore. He turned closer toward me as I took a deep breath. "You said I have no confidence in myself; well, you're right. I don't know how to do the things you have to do if you want to survive in there." I took another shaky inhale and clasped my hands together to stop their movement. "But I don't want my parents to lose their daughter. I don't want my sister to be alone."

Finnick leaned forward on his elbows. "I swear to you, Lyssa, I will help you as best I can. But you have to promise me you won't let go."

"Let go of what?" I questioned.

He caught my gaze with his wild ocean eyes. "Of that storm inside you. The storm that's keeping you connected to your home and family. That storm will keep you alive."

"How can you be so sure, so confident in me? You don't even know me." I wondered. I tucked my legs under me, trying to shrink in on myself once more. Everything felt so raw and real at the moment. Maybe it was because it was the dead of night, and I was tired. I got the feeling that either one of us could say anything right now and it'd be the honest truth.

That caught me off guard. I'd never been a very trusting person, but I tried not to judge a person until I could make an honest impression of them. I was ashamed to admit, though, that I'd already judged Finnick Odair the moment I watched him in his games. Then he worked his way through almost every woman in the Capitol the moment he turned sixteen, and that only solidified my impression of him. I insisted that if I were reaped, I would never act like that. Sitting on this train with him, though, made it hard to condemn him for anything.

Finnick leaned back to rest his head on the sofa's plushness. I didn't know why, but I was glad it was him who found me. Anyone else, and I'd be completely on edge. "Because you're my tribute. I want you to have your best chance at victory." He stops himself from saying anything further. His short response hides a deeper meaning that I can't identify right now. But I have the feeling that it's true concern, and it's at that moment that I'm faced with the fact that Finnick is nothing like the Capitol act he disguises himself as.

"You put on a good show, you know," I say carefully. His face tenses for a moment, and then he hesitantly laughs as if he just caught on to what I meant.

"Well, I have been told my acting skills are something to be craved after." He jokes, and I think I glimpsed a wink through the darkness.

"You're a lot kinder than I thought you'd be," I admitted.

He smiles softly. It makes his already handsome face even more enthralling. Even though I've agreed to give it my all, I still have the urge to apologize for the obvious fool I'm going to make of myself in the arena. I want to apologize for being clueless and for the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I want to apologize for the disappointment I might be.

"It's getting late. You should try to sleep." He pushes himself up and off the couch. "Goodnight." I look up to meet his gaze, and he's smiling at me. I decided that I like it when he smiles at me. I don't pause to think why. He pads away back to his room, leaving me in the dark by myself.

Later, as I twist under the covers again, my thoughts are filled with something other than my death looming over me.

God, I feel so bad for the things I'm gonna put them through. But any who as always, I hope you're enjoying and please feel free to comment and reblog. <3

﹙taglist﹚@iammirrorball @lilydoeswrite @aoi-targaryen

[whatifbutnot]

Undated diary entry, Villa Diotari, Switzerland

I am at my last, I can do no more. We must leave, weather or not. My only hope is that there remains a sanatorium in Europe which news of us has not reached, that we might be taken in. Not only are my nerves most hotly strained, but the infamy of this place has grown to a degree which must surely end any hopes of returning to polite society. We will be forever pariahs, the subject of knowing looks and outrageous gossip. I truly believe we will never be able to return to our lives. Once the immediate scandal has died down, we must assume new identities in a place where we will not be discovered by our old acquaintances, maybe Patagonia, or the Dutch trading colonies.

The final extremity was the appearance of Augusta Mary, Byron's older half-sister. I had known her, lightly, during my earlier acquaintance with Byron, and recall finding her somewhat over-awing in her worldliness. It seems she had a corresponding sense of me, as something of an ingénue. While time has changed my feelings - if nothing else Byron's correspondence has rendered me knowledgable in the ways of the world - it appears she still sees me in the manner of a nut to be cracked from its husk and gravely masticated.

It started with her very greeting, which was much more physical than the moment called for. She took the opportunity to whisper a remembrance into my ear which was not in any way appropriate for one of my now married status. There followed a series of implications which betrayed her lineage, being the sort of suggestions that only a Byron would make. I warm even thinking of them. Thank God that Sophia truly is an ingénue, in her condition she could ill bear the anger that full understanding would have granted her.

No word would discourage her. If anything, resistance made her more outrageous in her behaviour, progressing from mere speech to physicality, the caressing of a hand, the touching of a knee. And then, during dinner, the placement of her stockinged foot in a place where only a wife's foot should be placed.

This cannot go on. Though I know I am strong enough to resist her brave physicality with its threat of robust and degenerate carnality, I fear that her determined assault may give me no choice in the matter. Even as I sit here writing this, Augusta Maria may be slowly removing her stockings, the concentration needed necessary leading her to bite her lower lip, in preparation of a further assault on my dignity. Even thinking about this makes my manhood warm with anger. No, no, I cannot place myself in a position where I might be unable to resist, perhaps tied down, being disciplined for my resistance, maybe being roughly penetrated in a way that only a wife should roughly penetrate a man. One's dignity and reputation could not bear it.

Tomorrow we will leave. Tonight, when Sophia has taken the draught I have made her and is securely asleep, I shall go to Augusta Maria to tell her of my escape and the failure of her plans.

I fear my masterpiece will not be completed. I shall leave it here with the memories of this place. On balance, I do not think I shall be too sorry to end the enterprise, I do not think the world is yet ready for the sort of work I was creating. It is too adventurous, pushes too many boundaries. I will leave Theodoric where he stands, having killed the villain but turning to find the body it not where he had slain it.

[aleksa-sims]

Simself Story (18+)

⚠️ CW: addiction, drugs, drug abuse, trauma ⚠️

Only 2 days after my stormy journey with Nico, I was back home. Today the weather was nice. No more thunderstorms or dark clouds over the sky. Maybe this is a good sign? So I went to Daniel’s & my place in the evening. He was waiting for me there. After more than 4 months, I'll finally see him again and get answers, I’ve been waiting for so long.

I arrived on our street. It was a beautiful summer night, many people were still on the road. There was a relaxed, cheerful mood in the air and a a familiar, pleasant smell, that almost attracted me. I wondered, who smells so good here?... I saw a handsome guy standing in front of me. I risked a quick look over to him, as I passed him. I still didn’t realize, that Daniel was the good-smelling guy.

D.'s hair looked a bit different compared to a few months earlier. That’s why I didn’t expect him, who looked at me.

But as soon as I saw his face, his cute smile and those stunning green eyes, I knew it was Daniel. And... uh, I could literally hear my Baby calling for me, "Mommy, don't forget me & Daddy!" 🤦‍♀️ (🙈🤭) Of course, the voice I heard in my head was not my Baby’s, but my own, my conscience! I already guessed, something would happen tonight that would change me. I mean my attitude to.... love, or the dilemma I was stuck in.

Daniel: You’ve always been beautiful and yet, you get more beautiful.

Me: 😳😳...............Is this real?

Daniel: You’re sober, I suppose. So yea, it's real! But let me show you, babe.

Me: Okay! This time, it's definitely real, not a dream!

Daniel: I’ve always told you, I will never leave you...... I’m so sorry. I will explain why I was gone, but can we just be together for a moment?

Me: You have 24 hours with me, but I can't stay with you.

Daniel: You're not going anywhere! We're still married!

Me: You're gonna hate me, once you get to know, what I did.

Daniel: No, certainly not. No matter what you did, ILY.. Let's go up.

Daniel was totally cute but honestly, I felt pretty stupid. This isn’t a date! I wanted answers! So I finally asked him to TALK!

Me: Stop it, D.! I can’t anymore! So....Why? Why did you put me through that??

⚠️CW ⚠️

Daniel: I wasn't myself. But now I’m fine. I’m on meds. This helps.. Anyway! The abridged version: The guy with the black hoodie was back! He saw me at the place where I bought drugs. I knew the guy didn’t mean anything good when I saw him watching Sofia and you doing drugs a few moths ago. Well, he knew me! He wanted something back from me, that I supposedly took away from him, a damn watch or something??... It was about the time more than 2 years ago. Elena's fucker and those drugs.... I should have got something that belonged to him, but...I was sure, I never got his shit he was looking for. That weirdo didn't believe me. He followed me. He left me messages, notes, like a parking ticket on my car's windscreen. He threatened to take something away from me too, something that cannot be replaced. I ignored it.... Also, when I saw Alex trying to get between us, I went nuts. Now I know, my brother was just trying to help us, but after that night at the club, the fight between Alex & me, something happened. Normally Alex always accompanied me, when I went to buy drugs. But since I was pissed at him, I went on my own. I got a really bad withdrawal. So I did a line there. I was hanging up with some.... guys, druggies. And.... the guy with the black hoddie also came. Idk exactly how it happened? I don’t quite remember. But he, and someone else... they...shoot me heroin, against my will. I must have been lying there for a few hours. When I woke up, everything was still there. The syringe, a lighter that wasn’t mine and.... my left sleeve was rolled up. As I moved my arm to get up, I felt it. So it was real. It really happend. I took the syringe with me, I wanted to have it checked by a lab. I went to our doc. I told him about it. He took blood from me to see if I was..... positive. He said even if my test turned out negative, he still can’t give me a all-clear yet. Only after 3 months it will show, whether I was lucky or not. But since I took the syringe with me, he tested it. It was clean! Still, I wasn't sure, yk? I had to stay away from you. What if I was positive? I was afraid I could infect you.

Me: Fuck, Daniel!😨 I’m so sorry you got.... hurt again ... But why the hell didn’t you just tell me?? I never would have blamed you for that. 😟

Daniel: And that’s exactly why I couldn’t tell you! You still don’t realize the seriousness of the situation. We had both relapsed!! Didn’t you listen to me? I had a fucking junk shot in my arm!!

Me: But, that wasn’t your fault or intention. I mean, what’s that got to do with me? You think I'd shoot or what?

Daniel: I know you would do it without batting an eye, if I did it again.

Me: What?... You're such an ass! I don't believe you! Where’s Tina, Daniel? She disappeared or went into hiding just like you. Right after you remembered her, she was gone.

Daniel: The fuck...??

Daniel: You still think I’m screwing Tina? Seriously now? 😠

Me: Not just Tina! Why were you at Irena's? She told me herself!

Daniel: I swear you're still nuts!... But yes, I had to get into my old apartment somehow .I told her a lie, to get into her apartment. You remember? The wooden floor in the bedroom? Where we used to hide our drugs? That’s why I was there! I thought I might have forgotten something? I mean those damn things, this guy wanted from me. Maybe I missed something then, that seemed unimportant to me? Yk?... Anyway, Irena caught me. She thought I was hiding drugs or something? Like I used to. She got really mad and kicked me out. That's ALL! You got it? And I don’t give a shit about Tina! I still don’t remember her!! And I doubt that anything has ever happened. For me, Tina is just a fucking liar, who started all this... MESS here. Tina and the secrets you shared with my brother... have triggered that.... shit, my madness in me. So pls, let's drop this! 😠

Me: But I still don't get why you left me? 😟

Daniel: Babe, be honest with yourself, then you will see it. I mean, you don’t have to pretend or suppress, what you told or asked me yourself.

Me: I didn’t mean that, I was just talking about it. I said IF, I ever do that, then only with you! Yk? IF, Daniel, not I want!!! I didn’t know you were so sensitive about it?

Daniel: What if I had stayed? We both would have continued until we get back to the point, where we don’t give a shit about anything. Tbh, I had already reached this point, but I didn’t want to drag you down with me. The truth is, I never meant to leave you in uncertainty for so long. I thought after a few days, I will call you back to explain everything, but the longer I didn't, the harder it was for me to call you. And I was always high, babe. When I wasn’t, I was busy getting money. Until I had nothing. That day I went to my Dad. But just some days later, I took off again. It wasn’t until he and Alex found me a second time, that I realized, what I was actually doing. I had to get clean, to get back to you. So I was in a clinic for 4 weeks. They suspected I was suffering from an acute, traumatic stress disorder. The pain I had in my left half and the constant trembling in my fingers.... They asked me, why and how I got this. I told the docs there what happend to us. They gave me meds. They said after two weeks, I’ll feel different, better! Like I used to. And indeed, I felt a relief after a while, an improvement. 4 more weeks later, I was myself again. I became aware that my behavior before and my actions, were not normal. I would never have acted like this!! I hope you understand me and if you let me, I’ll make it up to you.

Me: You don’t have to make amends for me. You also helped me. You tried everything to help me get rid of my panic attacks. I just wish............. I had known all this before.

That’s so terrible what happened to Daniel. Those 4 men who attacked us in the middle of the street wanted to kill Daniel 7 months ago. And now something happened to him again. It shocked me so much that I didn’t want to believe it at first. How do I tell him about Nico, our Baby & me?? But also Nico. I promised him, Daniel's return, would nothing change for me, but........ can I keep it?

Previous/Next

[sleeplesslemon]

Christianity is Not Easy (At All)

I have a massive conflict with having mercy on people who hurt me. Unintentional mistake is forgiven, but unintentional mistake that happens more than once is no longer unintentional. And there are people hide behind their best defense

“it is me, i cannot change it. Sorry if i hurt you but it is me.”

To be pretty honest, I don’t ever tolerate that kind of defense. I believe in people are equally given: heart, consience, mind, and wisdom to distinguish the good and the bad, the right and the wrong. And “it is me, i cannot change it. Sorry if i hurt you but it’s me” is the biggest ego that ever happens in a man.

I used to be one of them. I defended myself and hid behind “take me as i am, or leave if you don’t like it”. I loved myself way too much to let anyone change me.

Long story short, there came a moment God transformed me from a cold and stone-hearted into someone He desires me to be. He has given me a new heart as He desires it to be. I began to believe that every man is able to quit and be transformed if they fully surrender and let God fully take the charge. So many people taught and shared their journey story with me and I unexpectedly witness the pre and post version of their transformation. And it happened in and to me as well so I have full faith in no man and no heart is too difficult for God to change.

And there are people, who worship God better (and probably more often) than me, who devote deeper than me, whose church-ly status is mightier than me, whose church-ly fame and function are more important than mine. And they happen to hurt me based on their personal matter over me. I don't care about what status or things I have in church, I care about how the church actually being the church.

It hurts a lot until i don’t believe in church anymore. The great Gospel-centered sermon and church seen and sounded bullshit to me. I don’t believe in people can’t be transformed by the Gospel. If people hear, listen, read, speak and talk about the Gospel, it will also affect their lives align to the Gospel, consciously or not. Even if the Gospel is a tool of sweet tongue for church marketing, I believe the Gospel itself is a living and powerful deed that will also work within people WHO LET THE GOSPEL DO THE WORK WITHIN THEM.

This is what i believe about the Gospel and the men.

And there are people with personal issue with me and how they treat me hurts me a lot like crazy. And I’m in a position where i no longer have place and power to reply, but mine is to pray and forgive. Sometimes, i feel this is pretty much unfair. I have less problem and hurt with forgiving, praying, and being merciful to the unbelievers, but to the believers or Christ-child or God’s servants or whatever they claim theirselves to be is another different thing.

I am, the one whose position, power, status, and whatsoever are less then them — is being told and stopped by God to hurt people and be being told to be mindful of treating people the way God wants me to treat them, then why people with greater churchly nouns ain’t being told by God the same way? I don’t like being hurt and i don't like knowing that i am not being able to reply and knowing they’re also not stopping the attitude. I feel that Christianity and church are nuts. I feel like God is being unfair to me and i feel like I’m the one that’s pressured much to always do what God want to not hurting them back BUT AT THE SAME TIME, they still do the thing; hurting, hiding, being cutely innocent and still claiming glorifying the Gospel. They told me to love the church. They told me to keep the focus on the church, not the people.

The thing is, the people are also the church. The church itself doesn’t stop at a building, but it is also the people who go out of the building and living the life as they do inside the church. I don’t believe in paradox of Christianity. Christianity doesn't have grey area. You cannot wear the attribute and do the attitude of Christianity in the church and but then take them off once you leave the church main hall. You cannot speak something so sweet and full of Gospel in the church on sunday but then mock someone by the chat on monday. You cannot treat people lovely at the church and treat them trashly once you step in your car and leaving the church. You cannot distinguish the Christian life in and outside the church.

Your Christianity life DOES NOT only happen at the church. YOU ARE THE CHURCH.

And i know everyone will fail, but for me, if you really set apart your life in and outside church, if you set apart yourself with and without Jesus, then you’re a true failure.

And these people totally hurt me a lot by the way they treat me. What hurts me more than the attitude is, the “not-allowed” place to payback and defend myself by doing more harsh than they do. And i realize, this attitude is not me but God. God stops me and telling me softly that those things ain’t my stuff anymore, but mine is to releasing mercy and keeping on praying for them. And i somehow think this is unfair. If the reason God telling me is because I am a child of Him, then He must be doing the same to them, but the fact, they still do the sh*t. I told God too many times, almost every day and every night that i have imagined them being stabbed on the head with a knife so that they also feel the pain and will also suffer.

All the time God always patiently and lovingly tell me to be merciful and keep on praying for them. Well, i also let God know that the prayer i pray for them is not a prayer of good, but a prayer of curse and death. I really have no mercy at all or even a bit.

I cried at many nights, telling God how i hate it that He also died for them, i told Him that He shouldn’t be died for them. I don’t wanna be called family in Christ with them. I wanna be where they’re not, I don’t wanna share the salvation and grace I received from God alone. I just don’t wanna be in the same circle and place and community or whatever it will be with them. I don’t want them around me and i don’t wanna share every great and graceful thing i have with them.

Until God reminds me something; that this life is never about me or them, but Him in every one of us. If He was willingly to die for them, then He also planned to love them the way He loves me. They’re also chosen to die for, just same as me. They or me ain’t the main character. But Jesus is.

Shifting your perspective is never easy. Swallowing the pain and resentment ain’t easy. Letting God taking the control while we’re so hard on ours will never be easy.

But we know that everything will be worth it in the end.

It is not because we will get the things we want, but at the end we will gain what we eternally need.

If you ask me now;

did i forgive them? I am not even closer to forgiving. I still have the wish to kill them by stabbing them too many times so that they will suffer for a long time and enjoy the pain.

did i get better after understanding what God wants me to know? Not even close to better, instead it gets worse and harder to walk with Him with resentment and hatred to people. Why? Bcs He never wants me to bring those two things with me. He wants me to leave them behind and keep on doing what He wants, while I’m still holding on my pride and protecting my heart so the pain won’t get greater. The only thing i think to get even is for them to also feel the pain they caused, then I’ll be easily to move on. But it will never happen.

Guess still, i need a help from all of you to pray for me so that i will slowly release my heart and my pain to Him to take care of. Bcs its not easy to see them in front my eyes and them being okay and fakely innocent. I don’t feel like they’re  worth a life but who am i to judge. It’s never my place to do this anyway, and this is not what God wants me to do.

Yes, it is not easy. Christianity is not easy. But life will get whole lot better when Jesus is the reason. But making Jesus the reason is not easy.

[livingwithlosingyou]

Living with Losing You - 11/8/2022

ELECTION DAY!

Today was a big day for my friend Brianna who is running for school board for our district. Super proud of her!

This morning I decided to take Sadie to go and play in the park. There were SO many dogs, it was nuts. I love that I found this group though, and that she gets to play on the mornings that I do not take her to camp. 

After play time, I had to run home for meetings and to start my work day. I ended up even doing a couple loads of laundry in between the park and working. After a few hours I realized that I had not eaten and it was lunch time. I was craving PS, AND they were giving people 25% off for those who come to the shop and show their voting sticker. It had been raining on and off, but then (of course) as soon as I started to walk to meet Bri (she was going to come with me) it strated to gust wind and pour rain. We walked to the coffee shop, ordered, walked to the ballot drop off (about 4 blocks away), and then walked back to grab the food. I will say, we did end up stopping at a small shop where they were already selling Christmas scented candles, so I caved. I cannot wait until I can decorate. I told myself I would start this weekend. I needed to give it a little more time. 

Anyway, we walked back to my place, she left shortly after and I kept working. Latte did have a scheduled vet appointment at 2:30pm. He needed a general eval, plus his litter was indicating that he had a high PH level, so I wanted him to be seen. He ended up having some protein in his urine, so we had to order some more testing. I feel like he is okay though, and the vet didn’t suspect anything serious. Not to my surprise, my vet said that Latte is a chonk, and needs to lose weight. Working on that (lol). 

Since the appointment went late, I did not go to practice today. Instead, I came back home and worked a little bit more. This week has been busy, but it’s been mostly manageable. Just lots of traveling. 

I have missed the last few weeks of GriefShare because I was out of town, then the last one was the day that I flew back in. I was excited to go back, but also just exhausted. I will say I was happy that I went. The message was about helping others in your grief, and then learning how to turn to the word and use it in times where I am struggling. We had really great conversation, and this group was very supportive when I started to talk about the LLC. To be honest, I do not feel entirely supported with it. But, I don’t really care to be honest. I want to help people. It’s how I continue your legacy, but also honor you. You had your flaws (don’t we all?), but you had one of the biggest hearts I’d ever met. I am so sorry that addiction made you believe you didn’t. After group I went and got some pho with extra noodles. It was so chilly today. 

I really should try and get some rest. I have a lot to do tomorrow - traveling for work, practice, dropping off a friend at the airport, and the DWLLRS concert with my concert buddy, Will. 

Miss you. Love you. 

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols.

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

[minouyujis]

friday | new message from: y/n

y/n: i just got done having a breakdown ohmygodh

megumi: hello to you too

y/n: YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED GIRL

megumi: "girl"

y/n: i'm so sad they had no reasob to beat up jaden smith this badly in karate kid

megumi: you're watching a movie

y/n: yes

y/n: it's called karate kid

megumi: ...so i've been told

y/n: yeah its about a kid learning karate idk

megumi: i would have never guessed

y/n: ok anyways im so sad stop before i cryi again I CANT ALL HE WANTS IS TO HAVE A CRUSH on the violin girl

megumi: why do you type like that

y/n: it's impulsive pls 😭😭😭😭😭 I CANT HELP IT

megumi: i don't get it

megumi: i'm going to bed

y/n: DO EMOJIS SCARE U THIS MUCH OR SOMETHING damn

megumi: goodnight

y/n: 🖕

monday | new message from: y/n

y/n: pls this is so boring

megumi: ....

y/n: what

megumi: why are you texting me... we're literally right next to each other...

y/n: um maybe bc we cant speak 🙄

megumi: ok

y/n: can we do like random trivia questions while we wait for this to end

megumi: ok

y/n: ok

y/n: whats ur fav color

megumi: i don't know if i have one to be exact

y/n: black?

megumi: kind of basic. it's just a color i feel fits best for me most of the time

y/n: ok so ur favorite color is black got it

megumi: i didn't say that.

y/n: next question

y/n: whats ur favorite music artist

megumi: do you mean who?

y/n: ok anyways i'm thinking ur like an alternative music listener person idk

megumi: sure

y/n: whats ur spirit animal

megumi: dog

y/n: so boring OH MY GOSH

y/n: i'm going to need u to step ur game up

megumi: these are literally getting to know a person questions and you're getting mad at me for giving you honest answers

y/n: maybe it u said something else i wouldn't be snoozing 😴

megumi: wouldn't that be lying about myself?

y/n: focus on ur work NOW

wednesday | new message from: megumi

megumi: HEY 🥺💝🤤🤪😍😵🤩🥰

y/n: what..

y/n: who kidnapped u omfg

megumi: what are u talking about bestie its me 🥺😍🤣🤣 LOL

y/n: hi yuuji

megumi: hi

megumi: nice convos u got up there ROFLLL

y/n: STOP LOOKING THROUGH OUR MESSAGES me and my associate have very private lives and would like to continue to keep it that way.

megumi: ok

megumi: wyd im bored

y/n: um first of all wheres megumi

megumi: sleeping LOL i saw his phone on the floor and just grabbed it

y/n: omg dont scroll too far 🙊

megumi: please don't ever text yuuji back if he manages to take my phone again

thursday | new message from: y/n

y/n: can you check to see if i left my phone charger in my room pls i cannot believe im back home without a charger

Megumi has read your message

y/n: ok

y/n: so is it in there

Megumi has read your message

y/n: this is feeling like us meeting for the first time all over again

Megumi has read your message

y/n: i will now take it upon myself to find someone more useful than u tyvm

friday | new message from: megumi

megumi: sorry for the late response, i was busy and left my phone on while you texted

Y/n has read your message

Y/n is typing...

y/n: ok then why didn't you text back after you WEREN'T busy

megumi: i was busy all day?

y/n: u don't sound so sure

megumi: i'm not going to do this with you

y/n: okay bye

megumi: alright

sunday | new message from: megumi

megumi: are you done being mad?

y/n: megumi

y/n: you... you double texted

megumi: ...

megumi: is it a crime? i don't get it

y/n: DID U MISS ME aww 🥺🙊

megumi: i'm just wondering if you're done being a crybaby over a charger

y/n: it's ok i'm coming back tomorrow anyways and we can go back to binge watching ur boring ass documentaries 😍

megumi: you're the one who asks me what i want to watch though

y/n: do u wanna watch

megumi: no thanks

y/n: um i didn't finish

megumi: i already know what you were going to say

y/n: what was it then huh u freak

megumi: some idiotic joke that nobody uses anymore from five years ago

y/n: deez nuts is a joke from 2013 pls take up on ur knowledge

megumi: my fault for not analyzing that joke as much as you do

y/n: u wanna know what u should analyze

megumi: what

y/n: ur dogs 😍

megumi: ....what

y/n: i tried to make it sound like a ur mom joke because i didn't wanna say ur mom if u didn't grow up with her

y/n: that would be so rude omg

Megumi has read your message

Megumi is typing...

megumi: that's kind of thoughtful coming from you

y/n: u wanna know what else is thoughtful

megumi: Stop.

monday | new message from: y/n

y/n: hey i miss you

megumi: yeah thanks

y/n: "i miss you too y/n 😍"

megumi: sure

y/n: wyd

megumi: waiting for you

y/n: wait u actually miss me?

megumi: i guess

y/n: OMG STOP

y/n: ur such a softie megumi gumi gumi)):

megumi: are you almost here?

y/n: yesyesyes

y/n: do u wanna cuddle

megumi: sure

y/n: YAYAYAYA

y/n: movie night?

megumi: yeah

y/n: OK OMG

y/n: im so excited ahh i missed u so much

megumi: me too

megumi: i got those candies you like

y/n: wtf

y/n: i love you ))::

Megumi has seen your message

Megumi is typing...

megumi: i love you toSkdjsjjddjndd

Megumi is typing...

megumi: ily

Megumi is typing...

megumi: i love you Hmdoskdfg oh my fucking god

Megumi is typing...

megumi: shut up

[1kook]

dreamy

—pjm x (f) reader

summary; You try to not let it get to you, but Jimin is so cool and you want him to be your boyfriend so bad. warnings; ANGST lol, fwb, reader is very :(( rating; mature (18+) bc tiny smut lol  misc; small smut scene, a happy ending <3 wc; 2.5k

notes; i have to post on #JIMIN’s bday or else i cannot live with myself anyway here’s me trying to fit an entire novella plot line in less than 5k words clap for me except maybe don't bc its not proofread anyway hbd jimin <3

Jimin is a nice guy, but you doubt he’d make a nice boyfriend. He fucks you hard and fast, just as you like, but hardly goes out of his way to sprinkle in any other requests. He’s got a one track mind, doesn’t dwell too long on what you say or how you’re feeling. Doesn’t matter because he’s just supposed to be a fuck buddy, the hot guy you met at a party, so you don’t let it phase you. But, well. Jimin is dreamy.

Sometimes he holds your hand while he eats you out and it sends your thoughts into a frenzy, makes your heart pound a little too fast to brush it off as just arousal. He’s got this gorgeous smile, plush lips framing pearly teeth, and when he flashes it your way, it makes your knees weak. Tells you you’re pretty when he picks you up from class, always holds your hand on the way to his place for your routine fuck. Cute and nice like an angel, but just like an angel, he hardly gives a shit about anyone’s feelings but his own.

He laughs when you ask him to hang out that weekend.

“What, like a date?” he snorts, bare chest glistening from his post-fuck exertion. You're pressed against his side now, circling his pretty brown nipple with your finger. “That’s corny.”

You try to not let it get to you, but Jimin is so cool and you want him to be your boyfriend so bad. “Yeah, silly right,” you murmur, ear pressed to his heart. It’s calming and soothing, a slow thrum that contrasts with your own racing heart.

He’s not one for dates or for romantic things like that. But neither is he some player, a cheater, a two-timer. You can count the number of times he’s slept with someone who wasn’t you in your weird fuck buddy relationship, and all four of those had been when you first started sleeping together and only when you had been out of town. You’re no saint either, so you try to understand. He was just horny, liked getting his dick wet, and sometimes he couldn’t wait for you. Understandable, you tell yourself, but your heart hurts a little bit when he begins snoring without really answering your question.

See the thing is, you really like Jimin. It’s been a little over a year now since you’ve met, so you’ve had plenty of time to learn all about him. He doesn’t like pancakes for breakfast, prefers them for lunch actually, and laughs when you tell him that’s weird. He’s got this really dorky laugh, something between a bell and a whistle— it depends on the situation. Sometimes, Jimin likes when you play with his hair, and other times he doesn’t. He’s a sweet boy, you know he is, so why won’t he settle down?

You hate to attribute it to some past trauma, some “my girlfriend broke my heart when I was seventeen” mess, but the more time that passes you begin to believe it’s true. Jimin was a tough nut to crack, and the longer this drags on, the longer he ignores your feelings, you begin to doubt you will ever see them fulfilled.

Maybe you should end this now before it’s too late.

You don’t stay for breakfast the next morning, simply kiss him goodbye at the door like always. He’s older than you, about two years, so he doesn’t go to school anymore, just chills at home all weekend. “I’ll see you soon?” he grins, low-lidded eyes tracking the movement of your mouth as you bid him adieu. You never give him a solid response, figure a guy like Jimin will forget about you soon enough.

Then, suddenly, it’s been two weeks and he doesn’t reach out. Yeah it hurts, but it’s better than having confessed to him and losing him all at once. You’d rather this ending than the one where he terribly rejects you, breaks your heart into a million pieces, and throws you away. Still, it hurts.

Jimin was so cool. He was smart and confident, had a snappy sort of attitude that he liked to use now and then. He could be mean in bed, lick your cunt until you cried and call you a stupid girl when he wanted to. But that same tongue had snapped at a guy who was trying to pressure you into bed with him at a party. That first night you met, where you had sillily followed him home after his dashing intervention, you had thought it would be nothing more. Just a fling, just a fuck.

But then he was in your bed and in your head, twinkling eyes and cocky grin trailing after you everyday. He was so pretty and so suave, made you feel good even when he was being mean. But you suppose most cocky men like Jimin are like that. They know they don’t disappoint, even when they’re not really trying.

Jimin doesn’t call or text. You don’t see his car pull up outside your campus anymore. He’s gone and that’s that. You cry a little (see: a lot) and pretend you’re over him. You definitely don’t think about his soft laughter or his hands on your chest. Nope.

So that ends.

Or so you think.

Your friends say you’re mopey and sad, too down for someone who wasn’t even your boyfriend. It’s true, which sucks, but they honor your admittance by taking you out to a bar that night. It’s supposed to be chill and relaxing, just some drinks with the girls to soothe your aching heart. But the name of the bar reminds you of something, of someone you can’t reach anymore, and you don’t even know why. You’ve never been here before, never even knew this place existed. But everything about it brings you back to Jimin, like you’re in his space now, and you’re unsure why.

It reminds you of his laugh, his smile, to the point you swear you can hear it, right beside you, down the bar, to your left—

He waves.

There’s this look he used to give you every time he picked you up from your last class, this mix between adoration and lust that made your skin tingle with excitement. It’s not there now, in fact, it’s replaced with the complete opposite. It’s, like, the meanest look he can muster, something akin to a scowl. He smiles, but it’s so plastic-y and fake, it makes your head hurt. He’s so obviously unimpressed with you, probably because you ghosted him before he could ghost you. Maybe his pride is hurt and looking at you grosses him out. Maybe he just hates you.

Either way, eleven pm rolls around and you’re crying in the bathroom. Your friends are out on the floor having fun and singing karaoke. They think you’ve gone inside because you got your period, because that’s what you’ve told them. You don’t know how to explain that your ex who isn’t really your ex is out there looking at you like you’re a piece of gum stuck under his shoe. They’ve never even met Jimin. Why? Because he wasn’t your boyfriend. Who meets their friend’s fuck buddy? No one.

You sniffle, press a balled up tissue against your eyes in a feeble attempt to save your makeup. The bar isn’t that small, but neither is it huge. There’s only a few bathrooms in the back, and you’ve been hogging one of them for some time now. Someone knocks on the door, and you don’t even get the chance to ward them off before the crappy knob jingles and the door bursts open.

“Come on,” he grumbles, “you’re not the only one who’s gotta piss—“

He pauses, meets your eye through the mirror in surprise. “I’m sorry,” you blubber, hurriedly washing your hands in an effort to avoid his gaze. Jimin lingers at the door, which has long since fallen shut, and watches you with the eyes of a hawk. Your hands tremble and shake, fumble over the towel dispenser three times before you’re hastily making your escape. “Sorry,” you mutter again, head downcast as you move around him for the door.

Just as it cracks open, the music from outside filtering in, he slams it shut with a flat palm. You flinch, close in on yourself as he steps behind you. “What’re you doing here, doll?” he murmurs, deep yet careful. Tentative. “You don’t like bars.”

You know you don’t like bars. You didn’t know he knew that. “I’m with some friends,” you explain, jump when a hand touches your shoulder. “I— I’ll leave soon.”

A second attempt for the door is thwarted by Jimin. “Don’t,” he startles, breath heavy against your ear. “Don’t leave again…” he sighs, forehead against your shoulder. And then, quietly, “why did you leave me?”

Your heart syncs up with the music outside, thunders in your ears as you purse your lips. You don’t want to talk about it now, don’t want to confess to these emotions that drown you. Especially not when he’ll never understand nor will he ever care. It’s best to leave it as is, you convince yourself, slowly shrugging him off.

“We don’t want the same things,” you reply, eyes burning with the need to cry like a baby. But it’ll weaken your argument, make you look like the sentimental girl you know he won’t like. “It wouldn’t work anyway.”

The hand on your shoulder jerks you around, makes a gasp catch in your throat when he crowds you against the door. He’s got that same glare on from before, the one he had sent you across the bar earlier, and it makes your lower lip tremble when it’s this close. “You never asked me what I wanted,” he hisses.

It is then that you realize it isn't anger or disgust, but frustration that paints his features. It’s pure, unadulterated confusion and distress on his pretty face, furrowed brows and narrowed eyes pointed your way. You don’t know what it means, don’t know what he wants. “I,” you choke, weakly covering your face with your hand before he can see you crumble. “I just wanted you.”

Jimin deflates, steps closer until his body is pressed against yours, hands on your shoulders. “And you have me, doll,” he murmurs, bumps his nose against yours. “Always have.”

You shake your head, choke on a sob that bubbles up your throat. “No, not like that,” you stress, losing yourself in the emotions you spent so much time bottling up. “I wanted more.”

Jimin shushes you, guides your head into the crook of his neck where you paint his skin in dark mascara tears. “Is this about the date?” he sighs, patting your head gently.

“It’s more than just the date,” you cry, fists curling into the material of his shirt until it rumples beyond repair. He doesn’t understand.

Jimin nods, let’s you cry and sob until you’re feeling better and someone else is pounding at the door, yelling at you two to get a proper room. You don’t want a room, you only want his heart. 

He takes you home again, helps you out of your shoes at the door because you’re still sensitive and quiver like a leaf when you walk. His bedroom is familiar, smells like him and his detergent. You miss it so much, want to savor it once more. Something in your gut says this is the last time, this is just Jimin getting one last fuck out of you before he really abandons you.

So you cry when he sits down on the edge of the bed. He hasn’t even said anything, hasn’t even taken his socks off yet, but you’re already a mess.

And of course he’s there to catch you, tugs you between his legs to look up at you as if you’ve hung the stars in the sky. “Don’t cry,” he whispers, reaching up to brush away your tears. But it’s not your fault that he looks like that right before he’s going to break your heart.

He’s so cool, even when you’re falling apart in his hands. “You don’t want me,” you sniffle, let him guide you onto his lap. “You just want to fuck and that’s it.”

Jimin leans his forehead against yours, warm breath washing over your skin. “I never said that,” he murmurs. “We’ve been over this.”

You huff. “Well you never said you did either,” you snap, rubbing at your eyes.

You cry and cry some more, until your sobs subside and you’re left with the hiccups afterwards. Jimin maneuvers you beside him, lets your hair spill across the sheets as he lays you down. They smell just like him, make your head spin when he kisses your cheek softly. “I want you,” he confesses. “I want this.”

You shake your head vehemently. “No, you don’t,” you sniff, but you’re not so sure. It’s what you’ve been telling yourself for the longest. Hearing him say otherwise sounds weird, even if he’s saying what you want to hear. “You don’t.”

Jimin catches your hand in his, pins it to the mattress. “I want you to be mine,” he adds, swallows your cries of denial with his lips. He kisses softly, and for the first time, it feels like he’s paying attention to you. Not your body or your lust, but your heart. “Had me feeling like shit when you didn’t come back. Like I lost something big.”

You still cry when he kisses down your neck, over your chest. His hands pull your clothes off, carefully like you’re a present for him to unwrap. Those plush lips you love so much drown you in kisses, over your tummy and your mound, until they’re buried between your cunt. “You’re mine,” he husks out, hand entwined with yours.

His eyes are dark from down there, long lashes blinking up at you as he dips his tongue in the places you crave him most. It brings you to a shuddering end, has you whimpering his name into the empty air until your toes are curling and you’re coming against his mouth. Jimin has never shied away from you, and doesn’t know, sits up with a hazy look in his eyes as he wipes his face with the back of his hand.

Jimin wastes no time undressing, pushes off that sexy jacket until his lithe body is coming into view, thick thighs and lean abdomen. He slides right into you, holds your knees to your chest as he fucks you like never before. It’s slow and sensual, makes you shiver when he says your name in that low register of his. “Don’t leave again,” he whimpers, cock throbbing between your walls. He’s desperate today, ruts like you’ll slip right between his fingertips. It’s funny because you're the same way, clinging onto his shoulders until you’re practically glued together.

You come and so does Jimin. He pants against your ear, feels so warm and heavy on top of you. He doesn’t say much more that night, just plays with your hair. But he asks you on a date, mentions something about a carnival. “Yes,” you respond right away, because, well.

Jimin was dreamy. Maybe he’d be a good boyfriend.

Copyright © 2020, 1kook on tumblr. absolutely NO reposts allowed.

[sorry-i-ship-drarry]

hi! hope you're having a great day. just dropping in to say I absolutely love your writings.

prompt request: 15 from 300 followers appreciation post.

have a great day. absolutely love your work <3

Thank you so much anon. Ngl since the moment I put out this list, I had been most excited to write this one out and I don't know how this one turned out.

Just petty things

Dialogue prompt- 15. You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions | Fluff ( ig) | ENEMIES TO LOVERS |

"oh yeah, watch me malfoy " harry sneered taking the bottle of expensive champagne and pouring it down the drain with draco watching him with horror Struck upon his face

" oh, oops. Hope the bottle doesn't empties- oh wait- it already is empty " harry shook the bottle over draco's face in mockery

" you moron. It was fine champagne imported from France. Do you even know how much it costed ?" draco sneered at harry grabbing his wrists harshly

" what you gonna do about it? Ruin my food ? No wait, you actually already did that " Harry raised his eyebrows grinning viciously

Draco scowled at harry angrily before he jerked away Harry's hand's away.

" ruin my food one more time and I'll throw you out " harry threatened

Draco clenched his jaw angrily murdering harry inside his head..

" you wait and watch " draco challenged harry before he storming back to his room.

" oh yeah. I am sure I can handle you " harry yelled.

Draco turned around dramatically, his face red from all the anger " you couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions " he yelled and slammed his bedroom door shut.

Harry too stormed away in his room slamming the door after him, angrily. Bless those door hinges.

Despite the rivarly dying out ages ago and the reconciliation followed after that, they still annoyed the living death out of each other with petty fights almost everyday. Originally the apartment is Harry's but after Blaise had came to live with him, it partially became his until the moment Blaise wanted to settle down and move in with his girlfriend. So being the nice flatmate he was he got harry an anonymous partner who by claims had been extremely nice, organised, clean and a great friend. Of course Blaise didn't mention " also your childhood enemy " or he necessarily didn't. Either way it didn't work out of course but since the rent act started stirring up in the public, it became Incredibly hard for draco to find another apartment and now here they were, 2 months in living together, messing each other's daily life and petty fighting.

" I'm telling you Blaise, he drive's me nuts " harry groaned as he pointed at Draco.

" oh I drive you nuts, excuse me, you drained my entire fucking bottle of champagne, of course I'll drive you nuts " draco narrowed his eyes at harry.

" you Drained his bottle of champagne ?" Blaise asked harry with an amused reaction sitting on the centre couch.

" well- he- he cut all my avocados, scooped out the insides of it and left the seed and not only that, he added Scotch to my lasagna " harry accusing-ly pointed his finger at draco.

" you did that ?" Blaise laughed looking at Draco

" Blaiseee " harry sternly voiced

" oh, no you're Right. Of course, you shouldn't had done that no matter how good it actually was,you shouldn't had. You know he loves avocados " Blaise nodded.

" but-"

" no really draco. I mean it. He's very serious about his food, even when I lived with him " Blaise added

" I need him out of here " harry added

" what ? You can't do that-"

" I can, if you're forgetting this apartment is originally mine " harry interjected draco.

" okay, whoa whoa, calm down. Nobody's getting thrown out alright. Just take a deep breath and we'll talk about this- well your differences alright "

" you know it's all your fault. You should've never bought a flatmate without asking me "

" me? I thought I was helping you out " Blaise defended himself

" well clearly not " harry shook his eyes head with wide eyes, crossing his arms over his front.

Blaise huffed a breath gulping down the rest of his coffee and turned to draco.

" you want to move out ?"

" what- no. I mean yes I don't want to live with him but I don't want move out " draco replied furrowing his eyebrows.

" see, Harry, he doesn't want to move out-"

" he's doesn't want to live with me Blaise. Clearly we're on the same side " harry faked a smile at draco.

Blaise looked up at the ceiling in annoyance before he got up from the couch to make his point " do you both realise you're adult's. Because it seems otherwise. I'm tired of listening to your petty fights and the pranks and the revenge. Why can't you two just like normal civil people? I thought you both had reconciled "

" look I know it's hard for both of you but you guys are the most incredible flatmates I've ever had alright and I know you two are better than this. So please, just please starting acting like you're actually 22 and if you can't be around each other then just- just ignore another alright. Don't talk " Blaise raised his eyebrows waiting for a reply before harry did

" I can work with not talking " harry mumbled.

" I'm good at ignoring " draco mumbled too.

" see, now that's the spirit. Now I have to go,I have a lunch with Sophie's parents, can I trust the two of you to not get involved into another fight ?" Blaise asked with raised eyebrows.

" good " he huffed when neither replied and took his jacket and decided to walk out with harry and draco following after him.

" just " he breathed " be nice to each other alright. You don't even have to talk "

" we can handle ourselves. We're not kids " draco rolled his eyes

Blaise opened his mouth to say something but shut it right off and gave draco a firm smile and left, with almost zero hope that it worked out.

Well it only worked partially. They ignored each other of course but still couldn't bear the thought of the other, which was somehow a progress and Blaise was rather proud because for the first time in 2 months they didn't wanted to kill each other.

Or so he thought thing's were better until a week later when Draco found harry making out with someone on the couch in the living room. Well he was decent enough not to shout till the date left.

" I sleep on that couch sometimes " draco disgustingly said as a shiver ran down his spine.

" well that's your problem. You have perfect bedroom for sleeping " harry rolled his eyes opening the water bottle and drinking from it..

" I don't care, the couch is off limits " draco snapped

"you don't tell me what is off limits and what's not-"

" i sure can. This is as much as of an apartment as much as its your " draco threw at harry.

" well this is my house, I can kiss anyone I want, wherever I want and whenever I want and you cannot boss me " harry Snapped back stepping closer to draco to make his glaring more threatening.

Draco flared as he stepped closer " you can not "

" yes I can " harry titled his head

" you cannot " draco widened his eyes

" what you gonna do about it ?" Harry egged him on.

Draco breathed sharply before he stepped back throwing his hands in the air " I can't believe you. You think this, everything is yours. Why am I be surprised though, it has Always been yours , hasn't it. Oh I'm harry potter, the world is all mine, I am praised everywhere I go with posters still upon the wall with my huge fanbase and everybody gushing over me. I'm so great, I'm brilliant. Maybe I should get a pedestal to stand on, oh wait I already built myself one " draco shouted

Harry crushed the bottle in his hand before he jerked forward grabbing draco by his collar " you- fucking- asshole. You take that back "

" oh I'm sorry did that hurt you? I won't take it back, you wanna punch me for that " draco asked raised his eyebrows, his hands steady by his sides

" you do not fucking know anything about my life. I'm giving you a warning to shut up-"

" or what? You're gonna punch me, as if you have the guts " draco sneered

" don't tempt me malfoy-"

" oh, I am scared. Save it potter. You can never punch me " draco narrowed his eyes at harry

Harry heaved heavily as he grabbed onto draco's collar tighter but didn't make a move to actually punch him, though his anger was getting out of control.

" you know what, you were better before I got you out of prison. Should've left you there to die " harry didn't mean to say it out loud but he did and it took him exactly a second to realise what had he done and regret immediately flooded in him as he saw draco's lip twitch and the look of pain crossing his features.

" you're right. You should've left me there to die " draco Snapped before he jerked away from harry easily as he had loosened his grip and stormed out of the apartment taking his coat with him.

Harry huffed in annoyance, rubbing his hand over his face, swearing in himself and kicking the chair nearby in guilt and anger.

Despite living in the same apartment, harry didn't see draco at all for at least a week or more until harry was returning very late from work and wanted to silently sneak in after having thought the entire way back home how to makeup to draco when he realised he didn't had to when he saw draco sitting in the balcony with all the door's open..

" you could've at least shut the door. The entrie apartment will be cold now " harry cautiously said as he approached draco and Stood by the door.

Draco sniffed Before he mumbled a soft Apology and within a second harry realised something was wrong and went into the balcony where draco was now standing.

" hey, you alright ?" Harry asked as he carefully placed his palm over Harry's shoulder

" yeah- just something at work " draco mumbled turning away from harry.

" hey hey hey, it's alright, you can talk to me if you want"

" yeah like you'd want to listen " draco scoffed dabbing his face with a tissue.

" of couse I will. Why wouldn't I ?" Harry asked frowning.

" why would you ?" Draco questioned back

" well- i- because I do care and there shouldn't be a reason why not to " harry raised his shoulder before dropping again.

Draco looked at him for a moment before he looked away, chewing the insides of his cheeks.

" you don't have to. I understand. I just want you to know I'm here " harry said softly tilting his head so he knew Draco saw him through the corner of his eyes.

Harry Stood with him for a few minutes in silence until he understood that perhaps he wanted to be alone and decided to step back inside.

" I lied "

" what do you mean you lied ?" Harry asked as he turned around and stood next to draco again with his hands on the railings, watching him..

" I lied about what upset me. It's not my work. It's my parents " draco side glancing at harry.

" oh " harry Only replied

" they sent me a letter that they took down my name from the final will. So I'm well not going to get the manor "

" so you were crying because you don't get the manor ?" Harry pursed his lips to control the little laugh wanting to escape his lips.

Draco shook his head, in " I can't believe I even tried " and he stepped off the balcony to go back inside

" I'm kidding, obviously " harry stopped him, holding out his wrist from going.

" just trying to lighten your mood " harry shrugged. Draco looked at him nonchalantly for a moment before breathing out and standing next to harry again.

"so they took your name off the will ? What else ?" Harry asked as he leaned on the railing watching draco.

" it's-" he breathed " it's not about the manor or any other thing. I stopped caring about that a long time ago, it's just, after all this time I thought they'd accept me. And-" he bit the inside of his lip, closing his eyes " they still don't "

Harry's gaze softened and he spoke up " they probably never will and you'll have to live with it even if it's hard "

" I know but it's just- their acceptance matters the most to me even if I don't say it out loud but It hurts sometimes knowing that I can't stop caring. First they abandoned me, then disowned me from the joint account at gringotts, sold the cottage house under my name and the last thing I had left- they took my name off that. It's like they're doing everything possible to make it believable that I- I just- never existed , like simply erasing it " draco's eyes sparkled with tears and harry watched as draco tore down his walls unknowingly and only then harry approached a simple physical touch of holding his hand over the railing.

" your existence is with you draco. They're all just papers. Your life or your name or anything about you isn't decided by a piece of paper. Hell I'm the hottest bisexual in Britain by the witch weekly and I can bet my ass that I've seen hotter but it's just a paper "

Draco chuckled and harry gave him a smile.

" I know it upsets you and I understand what losing a family is like but you can always create your own family " harry contagiously smiled

" I'm gay potter " draco rolled his eyes with a smile.

" not the actual reproduced family. I mean your friends, they can be your family. It's time you choose your family, who doesn't take away a manor from you "

Draco smiled softly " but it still hurts"

Harry stepped closer to him looking him in the eye " it always will, but one day you're going to look at the whole thing and be like I still have a family and much better one infact"

" you really think so ?" Draco asked

" I know so " harry whispered smiling.

They stared at each other long enough until they realised how close they had been standing in that small balcony and harry cleared his throat to break the moment of unusual staring.

" you wanna stay out here for a while. I'll grab the blankets?" He asked

Draco opened his mouth to deny but instead he nodded with a smile and harry quickly went in to fetch the blankets and pillows with something to eat and joined draco back in the balcony..

" wait, you just came back from work, aren't you tired ?" Draco finally asked

Harry shook his head shrugging " I'm good " and they settled into the area with his back supported on the glass, sitting close enough..

" you're not always an asshole then " draco teased as they opened the packet of chips and sipped some butter beer..

Harry chuckled " well yeah " and he took some chips from the packet.

After moments of eating in silence draco finally turned to harry again and mumbled a small thanks.

" you don't have to thank me" harry replied looking back at Draco and keeping his gaze still at him.

" listen I'm sorry about the other day. I was just angry and you sort of boiled me a little and it just-"

" it's alright. I forgive you " draco gave harry a tender side smile and harry smiled back equally tender.

" can I kiss you ?" Draco asked after having stared at each other long enough to know that kissing was what was left.

" do you really want to ?" Harry asked looking at Draco's lips wanting to do the same.

" yes " draco mumbled as he leaned closer to harry.

" this changes everything draco" harry whispered when they were Only an inch apart, breathing in small breaths..

" I know. I want to " draco mumbled..

Harry bought his hands to draco's face, stroking his cheeks " are you absolutely sure ? I don't want you to regret this next morning "

" will you ?" Draco asked looking in Harry's eyes as a confirmation.

" I won't " harry replied as his heart beat More loudly.

" I won't either " draco mumbled and before Harry could've further asked anything else, he kissed him over the lips, sweet and slow at first then escalating to it becoming a need, leaving them both panting.

" you really are sure ?" Harry panted as they separated for air..

Draco rolled his eyes straddling harry, cupping his face " you ask me one more time and I'll make you question your entire life harry" and he kissed harry again tugging at his hair as harry encircled his arms around Draco's Waist pulling him closer, leaning his head upwards to kiss him more thoroughly..

And they remained there as Long as the night was still young, kissing each other, panting each other's breath, fighting for air, for Dominance and moaning. Just there, in the moment.

I understand I didn't necessarily made harry and draco already having feelings for each other but it seemed nice for a change to go with their flow.

(I don't know if literally anyone notices but my writing style varies a lot, personally not liking recently what I've been writing tho )

300 followers appreciation dialogue Prompt requests open

Angst prompt requests open

[kpop-cakepops]

Soulmate: Bells (part 1) // JeonghanxFem!Reader

Ummmmm so mayhaps this ended up being WAY LONGER THAN INTENDED AND WILL HAVE A 2ND PART.

Genre: IDK how to explain it other than VERY light angst mixed with fluff.

Warnings: none

Word count: 3,573 🙊

"I'm sorry Jeonghan... I really thought this would work out. I thought that this soulmate thing wasn't going to sway me" Sowon couldn't maintain eye contact with Jeonghan as she spoke.

"What do you mean?" He asked with a trembling voice.

"Jeonghan... I found my soulmate... and as much as I fought it, everything in me gave up..." She said

Soulmates. It seemed that the older he grew the more he hated the term. Soulmates? Who in their right mind would believe that a little sound you heard on your sixteenth birthday would lead you to the person you were meant to be with for the rest of your life?

Sowon, apparently.

Despite having sworn to each other that soulmates would not make them waver, despite swearing to be together no matter what, no matter how hard and bumpy the road got... yet there she was sitting across from him, telling him she had given up on all those promises.

"Are you telling me you cheated on me?" He asked.

Sowon's eyes met the ground, but the more she refused to talk the more it dawned on Jeonghan, she had. She had cheated on him.

"Sowon-"

"I'm sorry! Please, I'm so sorry. It was the last thing I wanted to do but I couldn't stop myself... Jeonghan it's real. I heard it, the sound of glass clinking against glass. It sounds ridiculous because it's such a trivial thing to hear, but the sound made everything feel so clear, it was like my heart just knew and... Jeonghan, I love him. I don't even know him, but there's this- this part of me that I just can't control. I want to! I want to know him" she cried out. Jeonghan felt like all air had been kicked out of him. How was he meant to respond to that? He'd never experienced what Sowon was talking about, he couldn't even bring himself to imagine it... all he knew was that he didn't want to lose her. "I can't do this to you and I can't do it to him either. I'm sorry... we need to break up"

Tears pricked at Jeonghan's eyes as he watched the girl he loved the most stand from her seat and walk away from him.

That was the last time he saw her.

***

"Turns out his soulmate is a guy named Wonwoo... and he's so much prettier than me too! I seriously, cannot believe this is happening to me again... I was convinced I was his soulmate" you held your phone between your ear and your shoulder as you struggled to pull out a book from its place on the bookshelf. It had been a week since you'd tried to convince Mingyu that he was your soulmate, only for him to find his real soulmate a few days after meeting you.

"Maybe you should stop trying to force every pretty person around you to be your soulmate, Mingyu's bell wasn't even like yours, he was waiting to hear a bike bell and you didn't even hear your bell either, and NO someone yelling Taco Bell isn't a bell. Are you nuts?" Your best friend Soonyoung was on the line eating something as he yelled at you. It was a cycle he was both annoyed with and used to, but he understood. After spending most of your life alone, he understood why you were so adamant about finding your soulmate, the person that was meant to be with you for the rest of your life. The person who would rid you of the fear of dying alone and in pain like those who were never able to meet their soulmates because that's how this world worked. No matter how much you tried, sometimes meeting the one person that was meant to love you, was an impossible task.

"Okay so maybe I didn't hear the bell but I heard a bell" you insisted as you tugged harshly at the book finally managing to free it from its spot but dropping it in the process. You scurried quickly to grab it but a pair of dainty hands beat you to it and pushed the book up to you.

"Thank you" you murmured not paying any attention and walking straight past the stranger.

"You're welcome" answered Soonyoung, and it was almost like she could hear his shit-eating grin.

"Shut up, I wasn't-" you were cut off by the sound of a tinkling bell as the door to the small book store swung open, and suddenly, as if by art of magic everything around you seemed to stop. It was like one of those five gum commercials, at least that's the only thing you could compare it to. All your senses were alive and you couldn't help but feel... aware... of what, you didn't know, but you felt aware. You were reverted to your 16th birthday, sitting alone in your large dining room with no one but your nanny and the sound of a hopeful bell ringing in your mind marking you for the future. "Wait... wait Soonyoung, I heard it. That was it. I heard the bell" you said as turned around quickly to find the person that had just handed you your book.

Your best friend groaned on the other side of the line "Oh god... are you being serious right now? Are you seriously doing this again?"

"Shit... Shit shit shit, where is he? I lost him. He was right behind me-" you rushed over to the spot where you'd dropped the book but no one was there anymore. Then it hit you... the door. The door opened and closed only moments after he handed the book to you, he must have walked out. "Oh no... he left!" You dropped your book and rushed out the door, your phone still in hand as a sense of panic started to fill you.

"Soonyoung, I can't find him. It was him and I don't know what he looks like!" you were starting to freak out. How could you miss him like that? You were also confused. Wasn't the sound supposed to be automatic? As soon as the two of you met the sound was supposed to trigger... for the two of you so why wasn't he there? Were you mistaken?

"Wait, Y/N are you being serious right now?"

"Yes! Soonyoung, it was the bell, but I missed him. Oh god, NOW WHAT?!" You asked as you walked down the sidewalk, eyes roaming every single person in sight in case anything... special or magical happened, but it was to no avail. No one seemed to do anything for her.

"Y/N are you sure you're not just-"

You cut your best friend off in annoyance. "I'll call you back later, I need to find this guy" you grumbled quickly hanging up the call after. You really couldn't find him, he had been in front of you just moments before but he'd disappeared almost as he'd come. A second wave of panic passed you as you looked around helplessly. Tears were pricking at your eyes because despite being childish and immature most of the time, the feeling you got when hearing that bell was nothing like anything you'd felt before... and yet... your soulmate didn't look for you. Your soulmate should have heard the bell too, right? So where was he?

Slowly your biggest fear started materializing before you in the shape of nothingness, in the shape of loneliness. Your soulmate didn't seem to want you or at least didn't seem to care enough to come back and find you.

Except, he had found you. Your very soulmate was staring at you from the bookstore's window with a gaze of confusion, a part of him hated that your sole existence meant he couldn't choose love for himself, that because of the woman on the other side of the glass he could no longer be with the person he chose. That he was predestined to love someone he knew nothing about... yet the other half of him felt an unexplainable urge to walk up to you and hug you like he'd missed you his whole life. Of walking up to you and wiping away the tears you were earnestly trying to hide as you stared at every single person that walked by.

That's why Jeonghan found himself avoiding the bookstore like the plague after that day. He would walk by on occasion wondering if it'd be okay to walk in, but then he'd see you sitting outside the shop waiting for something to happen, and he'd turn right back around. Eventually, you stopped showing up, and although he'd never stopped to talk to you, Jeonghan subconsciously wondered where you'd gone and if you were okay.

After a month of not going, Jeonghan finally dropped by the bookstore when Joshua called him to help him with a new shipment. His friend had grown increasingly curious as to why Jeonghan had been avoiding the store when it seemed the store had been his safe haven since his heart-wrenching breakup.

"Mind telling me what you've been up to lately?" Asked Joshua when the last customer was out the door.

"Studying for exams" Jeonghan lied as he moved the stack of books to be donated into a box.

"Alone?" Asked Joshua curiously.

"Yes alone, who else would I study with?" Asked Jeonghan as he moved his floppy red hair out of his face.

"Oh... alright" Joshua answered.

Unable to hold it in, Jeonghan's best friend spoke again. "I found my soulmate," he said. Joshua knew it was a touchy topic for Jeonghan, but he was his best friend and it was important for him that Jeonghan know.

The red-haired man cleared his throat uncomfortably, he had found his too, but that was not something he necessarily felt like sharing with the world. He had tried convincing himself he was keeping it a secret to show that he was in control of his own mind and emotions, but in reality, he was scared and embarrassed. Scared that he'd be proven wrong about you, that you'd be everything he wanted and dreamed of, and embarrassed that due to his own capriciousness he was hurting you.

"Okay" was all that Jeonghan could muster at the news.

"I want you to meet her," said Joshua as he put unsold books into the same box Jeonghan had been filling.

This caused Jeonghan to pause for a moment. Joshua wanted him to meet his soulmate, "what for?"

Joshua sighed and stood up straight, his big eyes looking straight at his friend. "Because she's important to me and you are my best friend. I want you both to get to know each other."

Unable to say no to his best friend, Jeonghan nodded his head, "okay."

The lack of drive in his usually playful best friend worried Joshua and it pained him to know that if he even tried to bring the worries up, Jeonghan would simply disappear for a few more weeks again. "I invited her out for dinner, her friend will be coming too, so you don't have to worry about third-wheeling"

With a thin forced smile, Jeonghan stood and dusted his hands in front of himself. "Okay"

By the time they finished packing up the boxes, Jeonghan was ushered out of the store. He watched as his friend turned the "open" sign over and locked the door. Subconsciously, Jeonghan's eyes stopped on the silver bell hanging from the door. Memories of the way you had looked on that day, panicked and frantic as you searched the area for him. It made him wonder yet again, what you were up to and if everything was okay with you.

The wait at the restaurant wasn't long. It only took about 5 minutes for a girl to walk in with a bright smile on her face, one that was instantly matched by Joshua's the moment he lay eyes on her. "Hey" she greeted happily.

Jeonghan was too busy watching the two interact to even notice the way you'd followed Joshua's soulmate into the restaurant like a dejected little shadow. The truth was, you hadn't exactly planned on being there. You had been spending the last few weeks feeling sorry for yourself and ignoring your two best friends, for some reason you had started to get comfortable with that way of life, that is until In-na came barging into your home squealing about her soulmate... you couldn't exactly say no to her invitation, and free dinner wasn't exactly a bad idea.

And then you sat down.

You didn't notice him at first. When In-na had told you you'd be meeting her soulmate, you hadn't been thrilled, it almost felt like a slap to the face, but you knew your friend better than to believe her to be evil like that. You knew she had good intentions in mind when she told you her soulmate would be inviting his best friend so you wouldn't feel too much like a third-wheel. It was rude of you, for sure, but since the moment you sat you'd been on your phone texting Soonyoung about how much you hated being there, and trying to convince him to pick you up, but Soonyoung was ignoring you for ignoring him.

"This is my best friend, Y/N" you heard In-na introduce you and for the first time since you'd arrived, you were forced to face the two guys in front of you.

And then you wished you hadn't.

It was him. Everything in your being was SCREAMING that it was him. Every fiber in you knew that the man with hair dyed a deep red, that was sitting across from you at that very moment was him. But something was wrong with him. His big droopy eyes looked like a flashlight that had run out battery, all signs of light were gone and something in you stirred. Was it sadness? Worry? You couldn't pinpoint it.

Then there was Jeonghan, who, unbeknownst to you, saw almost a reflection of himself when he saw you. The burnt-out gaze and the bags under your eyes, except he was the cause for your sadness and then something in him stirred, but unlike you, he knew exactly what it was.

Guilt.

Jeonghan was about to excuse himself to leave but you beat him to it by painting a smile on your face, "nice to meet you guys"

You were mad. Angry. Fuming. He was pretending to not know you. He had pretended from the start because you could tell, even if you didn't want to, you could read him like a book because, despite him not wanting it, you two were entwined for life. Quite literally biologically wired to be together, because that's how society worked, that's how it had worked for centuries.

"Nice to meet you too" greeted Joshua softly, but his eyes we not set on you, just like In-Na's weren't. They were soulmates, after all, they were blind to the world around them... and it was simply disappointing how unlike them you and Jeonghan were.

Dinner was long, the energy emanating from you was directly absorbed by the man sitting across from you. He was uncomfortable, the way you were acting just didn't seem to sit well with him. From the way you picked at your food without taking a single bite, to the way you looked like you would rather be anywhere but where you sat, he felt... worried?

"Who wants ice cream?" Asked In-na and Joshua who, contrary to the 2 extras sitting beside them, were having the time of their lives. You wanted so badly to say you didn't want ice cream, to tell her to take you home, but the light blush that spread across your friend's cheeks and the almost sparkly gaze Joshua stared at her with, didn't allow you to make such a request. So instead you remained silent, and to no one's surprise so did Jeonghan.

"I know a great place, I'll go pay for the food, and then I'll drive us there," Joshua announced.

With that, he walked in direction of the front counter, leaving behind the love of his life and the two dysfunctional soulmates that refused to so much as look at each other. "Isn't he amazing? Isn't he, Y/N?" In-na gushed.

You smiled genuinely, if anything good had come out of that dinner it was the amount of joy it brought your best friend. "He's awesome, In-na. You two really are made for one another"

She clasped your hand in hers and grinned softly. "Thank you for coming. I promise we'll find your soulmate soon" she mentioned mindlessly. It was beyond frustrating to see Jeonghan lift his head from the corner of your eyes, his expression almost clueless.

"I'm going to go outside, I need to make a call real quick, yeah?"

In-na nodded, but you doubted she even heard what you said as her eyes were trained on the man paying at the front counter. With a sigh, you stepped out of your seat and took yourself out of the restaurant. The fresh air outside and the fact that you were no longer around Jeonghan seemed to decompress your lungs.

As if on autopilot, your fingers tapped at the screen of your phone calling Soonyoung.

"I don't know if you realize this, but I'm ignoring you" the man on the other end snapped as he answered the phone.

Hearing his voice made your heart twist in relief because despite being a dumb jerk sometimes, Soonyoung was your best friend. He was your comfort and that's precisely what you needed: comfort. "Soonyoung..." you hadn't noticed you were on the verge of tears until you spoke his name.

All signs of pettiness were gone from his voice as he answered, "y/n. Are you crying?"

"Listen, I get that you're upset with me, but I really, really, need you to come pick me up" you begged, forcing yourself to swallow the lump in your throat. "I promise you can go right back to ignoring me once you drop me off home"

"Where are you? I'll be there in 5 minutes."

"I'll send you the address. Just please come."

You hung up the call, hands wiping at your eyes quickly until a hand reached out before you, the same hand that had handed you a book back then, except this time it was handing you a tissue. You sniffle a bit before snatching it from him and blowing your nose obnoxiously.

Jeonghan didn't say anything as you both stood side by side waiting for Soonyoung to pick you up. He was still feeling guilty, but what exactly was he supposed to say? I'm in love with someone else? No, of course not, because the more he watched you, the more he forgot what Sowon looked and sounded like, and the more he stood in your proximity feeling all types of emotions... the more he forgot what 'loving' Sowon had ever felt like. Was he supposed to tell you that he hated you for something that was entirely out of your, his, and even Sowon's control when all he could focus on was how nice your hair smelled and how good the warmth of your body felt even when he wasn't touching you?

Exactly 5 minutes went by in loud silence until a car drove up to the curve. You pushed yourself off the wall you'd been leaning on and turned to look at your sullen soulmate, who had instinctively followed suit stepping away from the wall in alarm. You huffed in frustration as you watched him. You wanted to tell him off so badly, and yet his big eyes were now telling you he was just as confused as you about all the sudden feelings you were both feeling, you were so flustered you ended up walking away. Then you thought about it twice and turned right back around and stopped right before Jeonghan, your hand grabbing his causing his eyes to meet yours directly for the first time that night. "You, if you run away again and pretend to not know me, I will find you and... I don't know what I'll do yet, but Joshua will tell me where you are. I will make sure of it." you warned him, "bye." The bite in your words made him wince.

He wanted to answer and maybe even apologize but you didn't give him a chance to as you walked up to the car that was waiting for you across the street. A man within the car was glaring at him through squinted eyes, surely he was trying to intimidate Jeonghan, but all Soonyoung really did was make Jeonghan uncomfortable.

"Stop staring at him and drive" you grumbled bringing your friend back to reality.

At that moment both In-na and Joshua stepped out of the restaurant with bright smiles. "Where's Y/N?" asked In-na, big eyes searching the area for you.

Jeonghan didn't find it in him to answer her. The buzzing feeling in the hand you'd held was too intriguing to him.

"Can I have her address?" Jeonghan blurted.

The couple stared at him as if he'd grown a third head. "Um, why would you need that?" asked his best friend in confusion.

Because maybe having a soulmate isn't as bad as I'd thought it'd be.