#specifically about how much I love Sam + how well his route was written

[gemsgamegems]

Okay, it’s been enought time, dev account has been posting spoilerssssss.

Convincing you to play BCB with out of context Mr. Wiley screens 🤣(I would have posted sooner but like, I was too busy screaming at Peter and Clark in their routes 🤣😂)

I am especially fond of the way Wiley really fixed his mouth to say “Black don’t crack”--it was both UNEXPECTED and the most in character thing I have ever seen, like--...never been a band kid a day in my life BUT you don’t attend public school and not run into at least one white male authority figure who says something out of pocket JSHFJSH 

[fratricideknight]

hello sweetie!! i wanted to ask you if you could give us your take on john winchester ? people have very different opinions on him and i’d love to hear yours.

hi!!! thanks so much for this ask. it took me a while to gather my thoughts, so there's a relatively long post ahead.

i think that people in fandom tend to go the route of woobifying a character until they can do no wrong in their eyes, or demonising a character until everything they do is wrong. this not only doesn't allow for nuanced takes, which should be possible to make for any well-written, complex character, but also leads to attempts to push blame onto characters instead of just... accepting that the circumstances themselves are shit.

maybe john and sam are similar after all, considering the way that neither of them are extended any due sympathy whatsoever by certain individuals. john, who knew nothing of the supernatural, on an otherwise normal night during which he fell peacefully asleep in front of the television, witnessed his wife be psychically pinned to the ceiling of his baby's nursery and explode in front of both him and his six-month-old. that's bound to change anyone. blaming john entirely for becoming incredibly paranoid over and controlling of his children, and not acknowledging the role of, i don't know, azazel? prince of hell? who engineered all of this?? is so ridiculous i can't even comprehend it. the circumstances are absolutely dreadful, and john wasn't left with much of a choice in the ways he could respond to it. not only would he most likely be driven partially insane by what he witnessed happen to his wife, he would also be led to worry about the safety of his children. killing azazel wasn't just about avenging mary, it was about extinguishing the threat that, for all john knew, could be out to kill his infant sons! what do you want him to do?? shrug it off and go on like nothing happened? cut his losses and get another mother for the boys?

as for how john specifically responded to this: he became a controlling douchebag, yeah. i have someone in my life who can be the same brand of peremptory dick as john, and there are times when i want nothing more than to punch john winchester in the face. it's one of the reasons i relate to sam so much. however, not once in my viewing of season 1 before i entered fandom spaces, did it occur to me that john might be an irredeemable monster and abuser. john trained his boys like soldiers rather than treating them like the children they were, but it's not like he did it for the hell of it. he thought they would literally die if they weren't prepared to fight off the supernatural threats which he was suddenly, in the worst possible way, made aware of. john was an ex-marine, which would of course influence how he would go about this. i'm not saying that john didn't do horrible things at times and that sam and dean's upbringing wasn't awful. he did, and it was. telling sam to not come back if he went to college, trying to punish him for having dreams of his own? making tween dean feel bad for not staying in a motel room 24/7 to take care of his younger brother? dick moves. the boys' childhood was claustrophobic, toxic, and miserable, and i do not blame either of them in the slightest for wanting to get out. however, it comes down to the matter of circumstance again: it's not like john did any of this for the hell of it! let me repeat myself: he thought. they were going. to be murdered. moving frequently probably wasn't just for the sake of cases, it might also have been because he was scared that they were being pursued by something.

as for some of the abuse claims that people make. ugh. please stop just making stuff up. if you want to take the idea that john was a monster and run with it, whatever. i don't care. but acting like that's actually canon? you're just shouldering your way into spaces where people who actually want to discuss canon can do so, and that's incredibly annoying. there is no canon evidence in the seasons which actually involved john as a character that he beat his children or was homophobic. they literally go out of their way in the episode 'Nightmare' to show that sam and dean know their childhood wasn't like max miller's. as some people have said, he doesn't need to have hit his kids for their childhood to have sucked; it was bad enough already! as for the homophobia claims. ughhhhhhhh. i feel like they come from a... specific sector of the fandom, who want to take any reprehensible trait of dean's and make it someone else's fault. like i said earlier, woobifying a character until they can do no wrong. "oh, dean can be a misogynistic and homophobic douchebag at times? clearly, this is all john's influence. oh, he treats sam badly at times? actually, sam is the one who abuses him!" i can somewhat get behind the idea of john expecting the boys to repress their emotions on some level; he was literally a marine in the vietnam war, and he raised his kids in the eighties and nineties. he expected them to put aside any issues they might have had about giving up an ordinary life and hunting azazel and just follow his orders. but the idea that he's some queerphobic monster who would beat dean upside the head for shedding a single tear is hilarious.

look at this fucking fruit. he never stops tearing up.

as a final point, let me just address that jdm is incredibly sexy. if you have a problem with me liking john, take it up with whichever higher power or force of nature made him so <3

[awesomelyanxiouspanda]

A Fiercely Bleeding Heart (Lucifer/OFC): Chapter 4

Story summary: Emery (Our lovely OFC) owns a thriving coffee shop smack dab in the middle of Monroe City, Mo. She’s well known for her unique coffee drinks and her “coffee charity”. What happens when a woman with too much heart- and not nearly enough common sense- comes across the fallen archangel in his mostly human state? Will Lucifer behave, or will he bite the hand that (quite literally) feeds him?

Warnings for this chapter specifically: THE SMUT IS FINALLY BEGINNING! We don’t have a full smut scene in here, but there’s a sexy little prelude and some background growth between Lucifer and Emery!

Warnings/Tags: Loosely based around S.13 E. 13! Plus size OC, OC is gullible and a big softie, Lucifer in his nearly human form, Soft Lucifer, Dean and Sam cosplaying FBI agents again, Canon typical violence, Non-Canon compliant story line, Soulmate AU-ish?, smut in future chapters, canon typical cursing, NOT a slow burn, not beta’d we die like our king Crowley, smut, mild smut, vaginal fingering,

A/N: It’s been a hot minute since I’ve written smut so I hope this is passable! 

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

After an absolute overabundance of food was brought to the room, I was left to my own devices. It felt a little silly to just accept my current predicament but I kept trying to rationalize it to myself anyway. It wasn’t like I could just get up and leave, right? Who knew what enemies waited outside the room? Lucifer had said something about still dealing with Asmodeus and his people after all. And how would I even begin to find my way around? It’s quite possible there wasn’t even a direct route out of hell. Not to mention… I really didn’t want to let Lucifer down by disappearing or disobeying him. So, after eating and using the restroom, I simply collapsed back into the giant bed once more. It took no time to start feeling drowsy and, as I dozed off, I couldn’t help but think about asking Lucifer how to buy one of these beds for my own home.

“Rise and shine, princess!”

“Fuck!”

Heart pounding and eyes swimming nauseatingly, I rocketed upright and hastily searched the room in fear. Asmodeus. It had to be him!

“Whoa, whoa there, doll! Easy now,” Lucifer’s words filtered through my panic.

Finally, I spotted the fallen angel as he approached the bed and I couldn’t help the relieved sigh that escaped.

“Jesus, Lucifer, don’t- don’t scare me like that!” I snapped.

Lucifer snorted and lifted his hands in the air, as if in surrender, as he sat beside me.

There was the strangest mixture of warmth and coolness radiating from him as his thigh pressed against mine. It was honestly soothing. As I let go of the fear and irritation of being startled from my sleep, I definitely didn’t sneak a look at the massive difference between our legs, nor imagine how good it would feel to sit on his thigh... A shudder ran up my spine at the mental image. I quickly kicked myself back into reality and shot him a weak smile.

“So, uh, what’s going on?” I asked.

The corners of his mouth curled up into a little smirk and he bumped his shoulder into mine.

“I figured if you were gonna be here for a while, I should at least give you a tour of the place! Unless you wanna be stuck in here alone, of course-”

“No, I mean, yes, please! That would be great,” I sighed happily.

Just the thought of being alone again for god knows how long was enough to make my heart twist. I was so used to being surrounded by the hubbub of the shop that just these last few hours of solitude were enough to last me a lifetime.

Brows knitting in thought, I let my gaze travel around the room in search of some sign of my phone before a groan escaped.

“The shop! How long have I been down here? Fuck, they’re probably sick with worry. I haven’t even been able to do the orders! Everything is going to-”

Cool fingers rested over my mouth and instantly shut me up, my heart leaping into my throat. Eyes darting up to meet his, I gave him a confused look to which he simply grinned.

“Already took care of that. Your little monkeys were sent a text letting them know you were sick and that you’d be closed until you were better. Now, if you promise you’re done with your little freakout, I’ll let you go.”

Part of me wanted to rebel just to keep his hands on me for a while longer, but logic won out in the end and I gave him a little nod.

“So you have my phone?” I asked.

“Yup,” he said, popping the p cutely, “But you’re not getting it back until I’m certain you’re one hundred percent healthy and able to go back. Capiche?”

The look I gave him only earned a bigger grin in response, telling me all I needed to know about arguing with him.

With a sigh, I said, “Fine. You win. Show me… hell?”

“Gladly!”

He stood and offered up an elbow, which I happily took. As my hand slid into his elbow, forcing me to stand all the much closer to him, I couldn’t stop the little smile and butterflies that followed.

“Oh, and a word of advice?” he said as he opened the door, “I wouldn’t run off alone. I’m still trying to get things in order and some of these droogs think they can disobey.”

That sounded just lovely. Thankfully, I knew I was safe at Lucifer’s side, but it did worry me for any time I was alone in the room in the near future. Tightening my grip on his arm, I scooted slightly closer as we passed a pack of people in the hall and attempted to school my features into something other than fear.

“I wasn’t planning on it. I trust you to keep me safe,” I told him honestly.

After what Asmodeus put me through? There was no way in hell- ha- that I would chance getting caught by some of his loyalists.

“Good. Now, do you have anything in particular you’d like to see, or avoid?” he asked.

After thinking for a moment, I replied, “I’d like to avoid anything too… gory. Or anything involving torture with everything that happened.”

I hoped he didn’t think me weak for that but, even if he did, there was no way I’d want to see it even if I hadn’t been through that. Horror movies with fake gore, I could stand. The thought of seeing a person tortured in real life though, made my stomach ache.

He stopped suddenly and my gaze was drawn up to him in confusion, only to find him staring intently down at me.

“I wouldn’t take you there even if you hadn’t said anything. You’re too good for that.”

Somehow, the way he spat out the word good made it sound like an insult. I tried not to let it bother me and instead flashed him a warm smile.

“I appreciate that. Um, maybe we could see the throne room? I got to see some of it before but I’d like to get a better look at it with you there,” I offered.

“Good choice, princess. I’ve got some business to attend to there anyway,” he praised giddily.

My heart swelled with happiness. This was going well so far.

“I have a silly question,” I sighed after a few quiet moments.

“What’s that?” he replied.

Looking up at him, I asked something I’d been dying to ask since last night.

“Tell me about yourself? I mean, whatever you feel comfortable sharing of course. I was never really a religious person. I don’t know much about Christianity, much less what is actually true, because you don’t seem like the evil, fire, and brimstone that the bible made you out to be.” Apparently, I had hit a nerve because he suddenly went stiff and his jaw clenched hard. I almost backpedaled and apologized for asking such a personal question, but then his eyes met mine.

“You really want to know?” he asked quietly.

I nodded and said, “Whatever you want to share with me. I feel you know so much about me and I know nothing about you.”

With a heavy sigh, he began talking. The halls were confusing and tiring to walk, probably because my body was still recovering, but it was easy to ignore with the conversation flowing between us. It was enthralling to hear him talk about it all; heaven, GOD who was apparently a giant dick, the angels, his fall, and his reasoning. I had expected something chaotic but I was slowly coming to understand the sad reality of it all. Unfortunately, we came to a large set of doors before he was finished, and I knew the conversation was put aside for now when he waved the doors open to show the throne room.

“It’s much brighter in here now,” I mumbled in surprise.

“Yeah, Asmodeus was one for theatrics,” he chuckled, “Come, sit while I call the guys down.”

To my surprise, he led me straight to the throne and gestured me forward.

“Wait, you want me to sit here?!” I gasped in disbelief, “But, where are you going to sit?”

“I mean, you could always just sit in my lap but I prefer to stand when addressing the idiots,” he said with a wink.

Face warming, I nodded in understanding before carefully sitting on the chair. It was much easier to see all the intricate carvings up close and I couldn’t help but marvel at the craftsmanship of it all. It was gorgeous.

Lucifer snapped and suddenly there were four being in the center of the room. He walked around behind the throne and leaned against the back as he started talking.

“Updates, people. Where are we on finding the Losechesters?”

The group looked at each other nervously before the only female-presenting one spoke up.

“We haven’t heard anything from them, sir. We tried looking-”

“You’re telling me no one has found them yet?” Lucifer bit out gruffly.

Eyes widening in shock, I watched the group of four demons before us practically cowered to the ground. He hadn’t even threatened them yet and they were kneeling, preparing for the worst.

“How?! There are thousands of you idiots and you can’t find two little hunters?!”

“S-Sir, if- if I may?” the shortest one of the four pled, “They seem to have gone off the grid. Even the other hunters haven’t heard from them, and there is no love lost between them, as you know.”

Lucifer scoffed and my eyes found his tall form as he stalked around to stand as a wall between the demons and me, hand lifted in the air in the form of a snap symbolically.

“How many does it take to pass along a message, princess?” Lucifer asked suddenly.

Caught like a deer in headlights, I stammered out in surprise, “Uh, o-one?���

“Hmm, you heard the lady.”

There was a loud chorus of pleas before he snapped and there was a big billow of black ash across the floor. I tried to peek out around him and found only the shortest of the four left.

Oh.

“Run along now and spread it to the rest of the goon squad that, if progress isn’t made soon, they’re just as replaceable.”

“Y-Yes- Yes sir!” the demon squeaked out.

I couldn’t deny that it was slightly amusing to see a full-grown man, a demon no less, act like a scolded child. My amusement was placated when Lucifer suddenly spun around, leaning down and pinning me into the throne with a hand on either arm. Fuck, he really liked doing that, and he looked damn good doing it.

“Now that that’s done, where would you like to go next, doll?”

…

“Lucifer?” I called out nervously.

I was almost certain I was in the throne room again, except this time it was dark and empty- save for myself and a mysteriously shadowed figure upon the chair. As if on cue, a light blinked on above the throne, and there sat Lucifer in all his glory; One leg propped up on the right arm while he rested his elbow on the left, lounging about as if he had no care in the world.

“I knew you’d find me eventually,” he cooed warmly, “Now, come here.”

Swallowing thickly, I nodded once and walked across the floor. The closer I got, the faster my heart raced. Was this finally happening? Were my dreams finally going to come true?

He snapped, pointing to the floor before him as he spun to sit properly in the chair, and I wasted no time dropping to my knees. A hand in my hair drew me closer until my knees pressed against the cold concrete holding the throne up.

“You are just an obedient little thing, aren’t you?” he mused.

I nodded in answer but my movements were halted as pain shot through my scalp, his fingers gripping tight enough to jerk a choked gasp from my throat.

“Answer when you are spoken to.”

“Y-Yes, Lord Lucifer,” I breathed out.

Despite my best efforts, lust shone through painfully obvious in my tone and my face heated warm at his chuckle.

“You’d do anything I ask you to,” he sighed happily.

Again, I almost nodded but this time I thought better of it, before whispering, “Yes Lord Lucifer, please tell me what you want.”

My eyes snapped open but, rather than the irritation I had begun to expect from being woken up from such a good dream, I felt uncertainty. What had woken me up? I could feel from the gritty burning in my eyes that I hadn’t slept very long, despite being exhausted from the full day of exploring with Lucifer.

“You know, when I heard you praying to me, I expected trouble, maybe some of the lower lifeforms messing with you. But this? This is so much better.”

That voice. Jerking upright, I instantly spotted Lucifer leaning up against the dark wardrobe across the room. He looked a vision. I couldn’t help the way my gaze followed his movements as he crossed his arms over his chest with a smirk. Gone was his tan jacket, leaving him in a simple white t-shirt that exposed his thick muscles delectably, and my thighs clenched traitorously at the sight.

It took a few moments but I finally registered what he had said and shot him a confused look.

“Wait, what?” I asked, “I wasn’t pray-”.

My dream. Realization hit hard and it took everything in me not to sink in on myself. How the fuck did that count as praying?!

His smirk widened as he lifted away from his perch and crossed the room just to stop a mere foot or two in front of me. He had to know what he was doing, and how the current position put my eyes in a very intimate place, not that I was complaining.

A hand ran into my hair before gently tangling in my curls and drawing my head back. I didn’t dare resist. How could I?

“Lucifer, I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

My words were cut off as he suddenly shoved me back onto the bed. I wasn’t given the chance to react before he was over me, elbows on either side of my head and hips dangerously close to the apex of my thighs. It felt like my heart stopped the instant I felt his cool breath across my neck.

“I’ve tried really fucking hard to be good, you know?” he breathed softly again my skin, “I tried to pretend you were just some random hairless ape. Tried to ignore this damn soulmate pull, but it’s useless. You don’t understand how damn hard it’s been to resist you, princess. The way you look at me with those sweet doe eyes, the way you smell, the way you trust me with touching you- Fuck, I just want to destroy you!”

Fear and excitement battled in my heart as I felt his lips and teeth rest against my throat. But rather than bite me, as I had expected, he simply placed a soft kiss before running his nose up toward my ear.

“S-Soulmate?” I asked timidly.

“Mmhmm,” he groaned as he finally rutted his hips against mine, “Even without it, I think it’d be hard to resist you. You’re just so… pure. You’re like the opposite of everything I am and-”

“I’m not a virgin though.”

He snorted out a laugh before pressing another kiss in the hollow spot below my ear, spurring a weak mewl from my throat.

“You know what I mean, Emery,” he said, voice thick with lust, “You’re kind, caring, charitable, trusting. So damn beautiful.”

Gods, the way my name sounded coming off his tongue. It was swoon worthy. I tried to argue but all my words were lost in a sea of bliss as he rolled his hips against my core again. Instinctively my hands bunched up in his t-shirt at his waist and pulled him down again. It felt so fucking good. Too good. Part of me feared I’d end up climaxing before we could even get to the good part, like some kind of loser; The other part of me begged for that, just to take the edge off the heat consuming my veins.

“Lucifer, please,” I begged breathlessly, arching in search of relief that only he could provide, “I need- fuck!”

The burn of his teeth in my neck sent a wave of pleasure from head to toe. One hand came up to curl in his blonde locks, hold him close in hopes of more of the sweet pain, and the other sought flesh under his shirt.

He let out a low grunt and sighed, “What are you doing to me, princess?”

The ripple of his muscles flexing under my palm only increased my desire for more so I did just that. Tugging at his shirt, I drew it up to his shoulders until he finally lifted up and reached behind to tug it off.

“Holy fuck,” I whispered as my eyes greedily took in the sight above me.

I couldn’t resist running my hands up his abdomen when he stretched. The way his muscles flexed taut before relaxing was rewarding beyond measure. He had what could be considered a slight dad bod, stomach soft when relaxed with broad and strong shoulders and firm arms. There was no denying the power in his body, angelic presence or not, and it was beautiful; he was beautiful. As I watched the way his body reacted to my touches, my need began to fall to the back of my mind. I wanted nothing more than to please and worship the angel above me first.

Was that sacrilegious? Fuck, who cared!

My nails left faint red lines down his stomach before my hands found his jeans.

“Uh-uh, not yet.”

Without even touching me, he forced my hands back and above my head, and I found myself unable to move them no matter how hard I tried. When I looked to him for answers, he only smirked before leaning down once more.

“How-”

“I’ve got plenty of tricks up my sleeve, doll,” he purred, “I could do things to you that you couldn’t even imagine in your wildest dreams.”

My eyes fluttered shut and a soft groan left my lips in disbelief. It was too daunting to stare straight into those soul-searching blues when he said such things.

“Tell me what you want,” he demanded softly, “I need to hear it. Consent means everything to us- to me, Emery.”

He was really trying to kill me, wasn’t he? Did he understand how hard it was for me to accept this was even happening, that to say it out loud would make it almost too… real?

“Unless you want this to stop.”

“No!” I snapped, eyes flying open in fear, “Please, don’t stop. Just- Just give me a second to acclimate, okay?”

He said nothing but the fact he didn’t immediately leave was reassuring. Swallowing hard, I pulled against my bonds and was allowed one hand free. I grabbed one of his hands before drawing it over to my lips and the way his eyes darkened when I kissed his thumb sent another roll of heat through my core.

“I want this. I want to touch you and- and you to- touch me,” I stammered out with burning cheeks.

How was I supposed to be okay with asking an angel to touch me? I didn’t deserve it. I was nothing compared to him and yet here he was, indulging my deepest desires.

“Good girl,” he murmured.

A keening moan escaped before I could stop it and my hand was jerked back into position, locked in invisible bonds once more. He snapped his fingers once and I was suddenly aware of the cool temperature of the room against my skin.

Did he just- Sure enough, when I looked down, I found my shirt and bra gone, leaving me just in my skirt and panties. I wasn’t even given the chance to react upon my embarrassment with the way he attacked my neck.

“Fuck!” I gasped out needily.

The burn of his teeth felt almost too much but then the caress of his cool tongue across the wound made it so much better. It was unbearable, having to lay there and let him touch me while being unable to reciprocate. I wanted nothing more than to be able to prove to him how good I could be.

“You need to tell me if something is too much,” he said between gentle bites down my throat to my collarbone, “I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve got a pretty good grasp on the human pain threshold but this is all new to me. Some of Nick’s memories help but, well, that’s not the same as first-hand experience, which I have very little of.”

In the middle of my nod, I froze, brain slowly catching up to what he had said. Did he mean… Was Lucifer a virgin? Forcing my eyes open, I caught his gaze and timidly asked him such.

He smirked and said, “Never felt the need to. Another great thing about being an angel, no sex drive. Had an encounter once but it wasn’t really anything to write home about.”

“But then, why-”

At that, his eyes darkened once more and he leaned in close, lips hovering mere centimeters from mine. I waited impatiently but didn’t dare interrupt.

“You’re different. Maybe it’s because I met you when my grace was so low I was nearly human, or maybe it’s because you’re one of Nick’s possible soulmates. No matter the reason, I’m drawn to you, princess. You make me want to do things- experience things- I’ve never even considered.”

Shivers ran across my being at his admission. I made a mental note to ask more about the Possible? soulmate thing later.

“Which means,” he continued on seamlessly, “I need to know what works, what you like.”

“O-Okay, so far, you’re doing amazing,” I admitted softly.

“Flattery gets you everywhere,” he shot back with a wink.

As he retreated to his previous line of exploration, my eyes clamped shut once more. Maybe I’d be able to handle seeing a literal angel touching me in the future, but for now, my brain couldn’t handle it mixed with the sensations he was evoking.

My brain emptied of everything other than little begs and chants of his name as one hand cupped my breast. His calloused skin felt divine against my sensitive flesh, my back arching into his touch for more. Round and round he circled around my breast, slowly coming closer and closer to where I needed him most. When he finally ran a rough thumb over my hardened nipple, it tore a pathetic whimper from my lips. I would have been mortified if he hadn’t moaned in response.

“Look at you,” he breathed out quietly, “Father help me.”

Before I could respond, his mouth was on my untouched nipple and all words died on my tongue, only his name sounding in the silent room. Waves of pleasure rocked through my core as his teeth grazed my tender flesh, jumping up in intensity when he started sucking hard.

No matter how much I tried to relieve the ache between my thighs against his hips, it wasn’t enough to satiate the need for him. It was hard to be patient when it’d been years since I’d had any kind of sexual release other than my own hand, and even more so when no one had ever taken the time to explore my body like he was.

“Lucifer, please, more!” I practically cried.

He hmmed lowly in his throat and released his hold on my breast, hand skirting down my belly to my skirt. I was suddenly thankful for the high-waisted skirt covering the trouble area of my stomach, but it was gone as soon as I’d thought it, his hand dipping beneath the fabric and caressing the soft curve of my belly. It was hard to focus on that once his fingers continued on to my panties, my body nearly collapsed in on itself.

I wanted to cry when he hesitated, popping off my nipple with a groan.

“This is okay?” he asked.

“Yes, please just-”

Head slamming back against the bed, my throat constricted in a silent scream as his fingers finally pressed between my lips.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-

My heart lurched in shock when his mouth was suddenly against my jawline, pressing open-mouthed kisses so close yet so far away. The dual sensation created a sinful mixture of want and need.

“You’re so wet,” he gasped, shock evident in his voice, “Is that because of me?”

“F-Fuck, yes,” I whined back.

Hips arching into his hand, I helped guide him until his fingers brushed against my clit and my hands instinctively jerked against the binds.

“Here?” he asked as he cautiously repeated the motion.

I tried to answer but it was too hard to speak, pleasure already growing with leaps and bounds to the point my brain was mush. I managed a nod and a frantic, “yes” before collapsing back against the bed with a whine. It was too much and yet I never wanted anything more. Each circle of his fingers brought about new levels of bliss, edging me closer and closer to that final ledge while my lips spewed unending praises.

My heart felt like it was going to explode when he suddenly licked up the shell of my ear and his hand left its previous pursuit to slip further down. The instant his fingers found my opening, I abandoned all humility and spread my thighs wider, begging him to continue.

“Yes, before you ask, yes,” I rushed out hastily, “Please!”

Lucifer let out a husky chuckle that sent my hairs on end and his teeth found purchase in my earlobe, fingers carefully sliding in at the same time. Whether spurred on by previous memories or instinct alone, his thumb came up to my clit and resumed the gentle circles as his fingers began a slow rhythm.

“Such a quick learner, good girl,” he praised lowly, “Do you want your hands back now?”

I nodded frantically and suddenly my binds were gone. Without a second thought, I grabbed a handful of his hair and drew him into a hungry kiss. There was a moment where he froze as if in shock, but thankfully it passed quickly before he kissed me back eagerly. It was all teeth and tongue and, though messy, I knew never wanted it any other way again.

I could feel myself crying when I drew back for breath. My orgasm was so close I could practically taste it.

“Don’t stop, please,” I whimpered between heavy breaths, “So close.”

The growl he let out was inhuman and devastatingly delicious and then his mouth was on mine once more.

“Do it, let go for me, princess,” he grunted between ravenous kisses.

His motions grew rough, fingers thrusting hard and faster but never losing their rhythm as I bucked into his hand. It was impossible to control my body as I chased that high, and when I finally felt that peak rushing forth, my hands frantically found his shoulders to keep some grip on reality.

“Oh god, oh fuck-”

Lucifer let out a snarl and snapped, “Don’t use his name. It’s not his fingers that are inside you. Are they? Try again! Tell me! Who is touching you? Who is pleasing you? Hmm?!”

“I’m- I’m sor- sorry, Luci-Lucifer!”

“That’s right, princess, you’re MINE!”

That last little barrier snapped and, for just a little moment in time, it felt like the world stopped. And then it all came crashing back down with a scream of his name. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I jerked him down and buried my face into his neck, sobbing out in relief and ecstasy as he continued to finger fuck me through the torrential bliss. It didn’t take long for his touch to become overstimulating and my thighs instinctively clamped shut to stop him.

“Fuck,” he hissed quietly as he gently extracted his hand, “I think I get it now.”

Though thoroughly exhausted, I managed to open my eyes and give him a questioning look.

“Sex, the urge behind it,” he explained.

I couldn’t help the snort that escaped and the dopey smile that spread across my lips.

“You haven’t even seen the best part,” I told him.

Grabbing his hand, I gently pulled him fully back over me and gathered up all my strength to lean up and kiss him. Thankfully he made it easy by leaning down to meet me. These were much softer, much calmer, but no less passionate. Despite my body demanding rest, I knew we were nowhere near done, if the hardness pressing against my thigh was any indication.

“Give me a second to recover but don’t go anywhere,” I murmured, “I want to repay the favor.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was nervous. Catching his gaze, I rested my palm over his cheek and traced gentle designs across his scruff.

“I’m certain. I could literally want nothing more in the world right now.”

[bratty-telepath]

*I'm back with more thoughts, this time about my Lovely(GN), Sam and their responses to trauma as I've personally put it around in my head (also a reason for me to talk about how I've written Lovely).

So there's no denying that Sam and Lovely have very similar parallels and contrasts involving their respective turning and I think there is room for an interesting thought experiment in the idea of how people internalise and externalise their trauma especially those with trauma of similar happenings(because no one responds to trauma–even if similar trauma–the same way).

In Sam's case, we know how he has adressed his trauma, he has cut off all interactions with Alexis(his former sneaky link) and has chosen to pretty much exist in defiance of and within the limits of his circumstances. Basically, he views his turning as a bad thing due to the loss of his abilities' innate potential as well as the circumstances surrounding the turning (ie. Alexis turning him regardless of his denial).

Tldr; Sam has repressed and unresolved trauma from that night

Lovely on the othe hand is an interesting case because we are made to project onto Lovely how they feel about being turned as they don't present negative feelings about visibly. While this has brought us a lot of angst, I wanna introduce a concept:

Lovely isn't as upset as Sam is about their turning.

Hear me out and remember this is just my variation of things, you don't have to agree with it, but I am personally interested in the dynamic this presents. To better illustrate my point, I'll set the stage and use Sam and my Lovely, Logan Varney.

*To get you up to speed, Logan is a Navajo ex-foster kid and college dropout that pretty much was going around getting odd jobs in Dahlia before wandering into Wonderworld and meeting Vincent which leads us into the current canon of things.

Now imagine with me if you will, a scenario in which Sam approaches Logan and attempts to talk to them of his own volition, about their turning and how he presumes they must feel about it, however he comes to learn that Logan isn't as upset about it as he had initially assumed. Instead, Logan views it in the same light of a videogame's reset function–sure, they have to start over with their progress in electro magic and may never get the same results they once did in their previous try at their life but they still have a chance to go about learning magic even if it looks different for them as a vampire

Now, we cannot deny that there are two very different backgrounds to consider in this little clash of trauma responses. Sam is coming at their turning from the perspective of an assumably magic-born freelancer background with the mindset that Lovely is experiencing a major loss after working incredibly hard, whilst Logan is taking it from the perspective of a latent electro energeric who is so used to turbulent change that this is simply just another step back that they can overcome. They also have never had the length of experience they do with their magic that Sam has and as such have chosen to view it otherwise as they don't see loss but an alternative route. One also can't deny that Lovely sees a therapist whilst Sam does not (to our knowledge anyways).

This also opens for me to talk about the mental process I've basically theorised in Sam's approach to his view of trauma, in which it mirrors Stephen Strange from the MCU. When I say that, I should be specific and say that it falls under the idea of a "fall from grace". Both Sam and Stephen are at the height of their prime before tragedy strikes (coincidentally a car crash) and leaves them both unable to perform as they're accustomed to. Additionally, they mourn the incident in a way that moreso derives sadness from the percieved outlook of the loss of their former capabilities (Sam being coded as a disabled man really coming in clutch here). Meaning that the biggest gripe they have in their shared view of their circumstances is that they will both never be the same (which is valid).

Where am I going with this?

Well, welcome to my agenda of "Everyone with similar traumas to Sam is going to be a narrative parallel that will make him face an aspect of his trauma" aka "Sam gets therapy"; Logan's role in that is the facet of accepting the lingering effects of said trauma.

Here, lovely challenges the notion that Sam hasn't addressed how he views the outcome of that night. They've had support and chances to understand how the inversion has affected them which has allowed them to comprehend their feelings about their turning and their circumstances so they know what they're specifically sad about and how they've come to counteract that sadness by seeing their vampirism not as a curse but as a different way they now have to live.

Sam has not done that. Thus, this is a foreign concept because he's held in almost three decades of resentment for the way he now lives, meanwhile Lovely is vibing and processing their experience.

The most important part of it, is that Lovely's reaction now places Sam in the position to recognize that he's unwittingly projected his feelings about his turning onto them, seeking validation from them through someone who doesn't feel that. There's of course nothing wrong with that and I intend to emphasize that people do that regardless of intention to or not, but the absolute best part of this perspective I wish to explore in my current WIP is that Lovely takes it so casually that Sam now has to understand that despite their similar circumstances, Logan doesn't feel the same about their turning and its effects which now makes him consider the way he addresses his trauma*.

*As is normal for people, we challenge our own thoughts and ideas when we get new information, in some cases that means we change our mind about previous subjects and in other cases, we don't. Depends

Frankly I'm excited to finally get done with this WIP especially since this is Logan's first proper fic that I'm doing for them but it's also just interesting to explore how they feel about their turning outside of the normal view of it.

Anyways, laters ✌️

[lizzybeth1986]

I’ve just dived into your perfect match posts, specifically the ones about the different dialogue for the various Haydens. Holy crap, PB put so much coding behind those and yet these days they can’t handle more than one meaningful romance route at a time, or get a GoC characters pronouns right.

Also I am just amazed at the depth you’ve explored some of these stories……wow!!!

Thank you Anon! I'm so glad to see my Hayden Young Project posts are still helpful, almost 4 years after I put it up! At the time I had planned an essay series to go with it, but I was too drained by the time I finished uploading all the screenshots to continue. Maybe one day...

But yes. Hayden was such a perfect example of customization done with purpose and thought towards the differences, while still giving the character itself a strong default core. No matter which trait/personality type you went for, there were certain things without which Hayden would never be Hayden: their questions about life, their thirst for knowledge, their fierce protectiveness, their desire to make sense of themselves and the world around them. They went through so much growth over the course of those two books.

Even so, in the larger fandom that effort and care for characterization was often ignored. More often than not, when PM was still playing, readers would find excuses to hate on Hayden and pretend they had no value. They spoke of Hayden as if they were an object, they hated on Hayden for normal emotional reactions - while their favourite Damien was hailed for his "incredible growth" even though we never once saw him apologize to the people he hurt - and even after the books ended, I would often see posts about how Hayden is "whiny" (fandom loved to wave around the "he's traumatized!" card for Damien yet waved away the abuse Eros had done on Hayden and the hostility they constantly faced like it was nothing). In fact, the whole reason I started the Hayden Young Project in the first place was because several stans (specially Damien stans) were lying notstop about how Hayden didn't have that many variations beyond the first few chapters.

For a character that really was crafted with a lot of care, the fandom clearly seemed reluctant to show any appreciation. And it's a pattern I see with a lot of the early customizable characters. They are far more easily written off as bland and boring and devoid of any development, meanwhile default white/exoticizable brown mains who get hundreds of diamond scenes yet still stangnate as characters - because their writers don't want to admit to their flaws - are hailed as the best written characters ever.

I definitely agree with your point about the current state of characterization in PB! (though a lot of my info is secondhand, so don't blindly believe me on this). I sometimes have a term for the way PB uses customization now - "bandaid customization". It has struck me, ever since I saw the note (post-BLM statement) from the company, as well as their one-year-later update, that they believe making their single main LI customizable is enough. But that doesn't allow for the character themself to explore aspects of their story related to gender or race (eg: TNA with an f!Sam skips over certain things related to sexism, that should affect her, but doesn't really) because the writers themselves seem unable to move out of the headspace that the "default" is definitely white and mostly male. And this is at a time when they prove that they KNOW how to change dialogue to reflect race or gender (eg. The D&D MC's responses to Luke when they discuss his father, or to Hamid when the two speak about racism). So you can get a black character, you can get a female character to romance...but it won't count for much. Because it's a lot more likely the writer is seeing a white and male main when they're penning the lines, and it shows...now more than ever.

Did these problems exist with the early customizables? Yes, definitely. But there was still a little more care and purpose to the way they were written, and not all the advancements PB has the ability to code in now were there before.

I call the currect state of customizable characterization "bandaid" because the company views this specifically as a solution for the lack of race representation, yet it really doesn't solve the core problem. But I may be wrong, and the new books that I haven't heard much about, could be better in this respect.

To go back to the subject of Hayden - not only was the PM team consistent about divergences in traits, but they also did the same for their different skills (polyglot, animal lover, music, massage). I found a number of incredible and really fun scenes that replaced a skill scene - my favourite one being Sloane trying to liven up our first real visit to their house with "baby-shower games" in PM1 Ch7 instead of us playing with Dipper 😄 Oh Sloane. You're such a treasure 💖

I just found the way they built Hayden so fascinating, and I wanted to share it with the fandom too...whether most of them wanted to admit to the value of such a character or not.

I definitely will try to get that essay series done, someday. Thanks so much once again, anon!

[junova]

↬ 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐭 | 𝐬. 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

abstract: the one where steve finds your love letters.

pairing: au!steve x fem!reader

word count: 3K+

warnings: cussing, fluff, angst, crying, slight self-deprecation.

[author’s note]: hey guys! i’m really new to the writing scene so kind words are appreciated! srsly just testing my writing style out and wanted to just post something to motivate me to keep writing. hope u like it. <3

also thank u ari for the inspo and that bomb ass album that saved twenty-twenty. now we just need biden to get elected.

ps. don’t forget to vote! <3

Stevie,

First and foremost, I want you to know how proud of you I am. You have become the man you’ve said you become, the one I always knew you would. You have finally seen what the rest of us see.

A good man.

The soul you carry within you shines brighter than I’ve ever seen. Just for that only, I’m thankful for the time we’ve spent together. Maybe one day, I’ll be brave enough to tell you this without hiding behind the comfort of this notebook. She won’t spill my secrets, fortunate for me.

Some days you have no idea how badly I want to tell you. I think it’s on the days I discover a new fleck of green in your eyes or maybe when you show up to class with a cup of coffee for me without request.

More. More. More.

More. More. More.

It’s selfish of me, that much I know. More days than not, I would say you give too much of yourself away. Always wanting to appease everyone, you, Steven Rogers, the bridge to making the people around you happier than they walked in. Even when Bucky drags you into his nonsense bullshit, you say yes without hesitation.

I’ve got not a a clue on how you continue on, how you still remain you when you tend to spread yourself so thin. Who watches out for you? Who cares for you? Who loves the almighty, selfless Rogers?

For me, it’s much easier to pretend you carry too much on your plate than to deal with the rejection I would receive from you. You’re just too good, more than I deserve. More than I would be willing to take. I know I couldn’t possibly give you what you deserve but, I hope that one day you might see me differently. You would see me more than the light I’ve painted myself in.

Even though the shade is lovely, I want to be deeper. Deeper into you on a level which only seems unattainable at this point.

A forever friend. To be in your life, just as a friend, is an reward in itself.

But someday I hope you would love me in the same way I do. It’s all a love struck girl could do. Hope for the best, bet be prepared for the downfall.

With much love, your forever friend.

Tearing the page away from the binding of the overfilled notebook, dispensing it in the first empty drawer you could find, you abandoned the feelings as soon as the pen’s ink bleed out dry.

“You know it would just be easier to tell him how you feel.” You peaked up at the sound of her voice, before realizing she was looming over you, watching your write the letter.

Your supposed, secret letter.

“Nat, please. No.” Opening the drawer, she grabbed the letter but was surprised with just how many she found.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. You’ve written about him multiple times?” You sank in the soft, plush material of your seat hoping that just maybe it would begin to swallow you whole. Hopefully, fast enough were you wouldn’t have to endure the rest of the conversation. One you had been trying to avoid, for the past three years.

“It’s nothing Nat, just forget it.” Just like a Romanov, she couldn’t leave it alone. Even if she tried it was laced in her blood to see any little thing through.

“You really shouldn’t wait so long. A window might close for you, much sooner than you think.” With a curious eyebrow lifted, you felt your breath leave you.

“What does that supposed to mean?” Steve certainly deserved the best and you knew it was only time for him to figure out you would never be enough for him.

“Peggy Carter.” Peggy.

The one girl of a sea of many who had been enamored by Steve. He never really seemed to spend anytime with the women who vied for his attention, but Peggy was surely different than the rest.

Even if Steve was oblivious when it came to the advances everyone would make on him, he saw Peggy. Considering she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen, she intimidated you. God, did she ever.

On numerous occasions she and Steve had gone out, and even though he assured you they were just friends you were starting to believe he was only trying to protect your feelings. As a friend.

He had never cancelled on you once for her and he would tell you if he had started to date someone, just like he had before.

Even though the entire three years you’d known him he only had one serious girlfriend and after eight months, the pair broke up and even now he still didn’t budge on why they broke up.

“Steve can do whatever he wants with her. He’s a single man. He’s gone out with her before and he’ll probably go with her again.” Then Sam was the next to speak up, dismissing the total bullshit spouting from your mouth.

“Can’t you see he doesn’t want to? The damn man follows you around like a goddamn puppy.” Okay, when did he even come in here?

“God, fuck, no he doesn’t. He would have said something by now, he’s had three years and it’s been nothing but radio silence.” With an all knowing smirk, Sam proposed a new concept into question.

“It has been three years. So, have you ever said anything to him?”

Shit. Fuck you, Wilson.

“W-Well, not exactly.” Sam didn’t have to say anything in response. You knew he was right and you hated it.

Your unwillingness still stood for you, there was just no way he actually would reciprocate your feelings.

“Listen, I think it would be really good for the both of you to air everything out. Peggy is sinking her claws in him and it isn’t too long before they get stuck. Just talk to him.” You nodded silently, but you weren’t sure if you’d ever have the courage to.

—

Emptiness.

It’s all you seemed to feel today. Following you around was a dark cloud, looming over you. Wishing you could be anywhere but your own body. Nothing in particular happened to make you deserve the feeling you were granted with. It just so happened to be one of those days.

From the moment you got out of bed — or rather stayed in bed until four in the afternoon, you felt like anything you would have done just didn’t feel enough. The feeling was fleeting, never staying for more than a day or so, but it made the day drag on. Never ending.

Your muscles sore, body aching from the lack of activity your presumed. Or maybe you had built it in your head too.

Thankfully for you, Nat was busy helping Bucky move into his new place the entire day. She asked if you wanted to help, but mentally you didn’t feel you would be useful for anyone. Simply, telling her you would hang back, claiming you had another an essay to write.

Which you did, you weren’t completely lying, but there was more than your sour mood to blame for your dismissal of social interaction.

You hated to be that girl, the one who needed the presence of men. Specifically, the company of one very beautiful, blue eyed one.

His absence in your life the past few weeks felt heavier on you than you thought it would. You knew from Sam’s intel he had been hanging out with Peggy more and more. He said the two of them were getting close, mercifully sparing you the details.

You hated it’s you’d become. A girl so damn struck over a boy who was giving his attention elsewhere. Upset you were though. Before even if he was busy between classes and his internship at the gallery, he would still text to check up on you.

Now, it was nothing but radio silence letting you draw conclusions on your own. Very, very dangerous territory for you to travel to.

Steve and you are just friends. Get. Over. It.

You thought you’d be alone the rest of the Saturday, especially since it was nearly midnight. Figuring Nat was staying over at Bucky’s and Wanda leaving earlier in early hours of the morning to see her boyfriend for the entire weekend.

Then, an incredibly drunk Steve stumbled into your quaint apartment, the thoughtfully sweetness in him blubbering out with the alcohol flooding through his system. It was like he was on overdrive. More than ready to crash at any given moment.

You had enough when Steve started shamelessly raiding your kitchen, but you remained on the couch attempting to maintain some distance between the two of you. He had a history of being incredibly handsy whenever he had bit too much to drink.

Stumbling his way over to you, almost tripping on the rug, until he was basically cuddling up to your side. His arms latched tightly around you, pulling you into him. Not spared a choice, not that you’d want one.

The security of being wrapped up to him wasn’t something you ever grew tired of. You don’t think there would ever be a time you would ever be capable of turning him away.

“I’ve missed you. It’s been too long.” His soft tone, penetrating the tiny resistance you held towards him. “Me too. I was starting to think you disappeared on me, bubba.”

“Never.” His iron grip holding so tight like he was afraid you’d slip right through.

“Is everything alright?” Trying to pull from him, but Steve seemed unable to let you go. You whispered in his ear, caressing his back.

“I think so.”

“Here, let me grab you cup of joe and some water. Okay? I’ll be right back.” Leaving him a kiss on the cheek, before heading him into the kitchen.

If you had been around him recently, perhaps you would be more in tune with how he was feeling. Then the guilt sept in.

“Sweetheart, do you know where the phone charger is? It’s not by the recliner.” You heard him shout, trying to stop your heart from hammering into your stomach.

Just make him some coffee, sober him up, until he crashes.

Steve always seemed to be a lightweight and somehow whenever he did decide to drink he always found himself routing his way into your home. You thought it was simply for accident alone. The bar he frequented at was only a few block from you.

The past few times he would just stumble into your bedroom, immediately passing out in your soft, silky sheet. Now, he seemed to have more pressing matters at hand.

“Check the drawers, Stevie. I think there’s one you left around here somewhere.” You grabbed the filters and the grounds out, brewing the coffee. Soon, with a black cup of coffee and a water bottle in hand you took note of just how quite he was being.

He was never this silent and it was freaking you out.

“Are you sure you’re o-”

Just like that.

Fuck.

Hunched over, practically on his knees, he read over the endless letters you wrote about him. Confessions never meant to be seen by him. You lost track of how many you had written over the past few years once realized how irrevocably in love with him you are.

He didn’t realize you had found him and you were suddenly paralyzed. Unaware of your presence he continued to read through them and his expression was unrecognizable. One you’d never seen from him before, and you didn’t quite know how to react.

No. He wasn’t grimacing nor did he seem to be elated either. He just stood there just like you, afraid what would happen next.

What did this mean for the two of you? Your entire relationship was purely riding on whatever happened next.

Softly, with a gentle hand, he sifted through them all like he was looking for something specifically. Steve let them fall to the hardwood floors as your shaking hands could no longer support the weight of the dainty coffee cup he had actually sculpted himself.

The glass shattering everywhere, several pieces making their way towards him, thankfully not fiercely enough to penetrate his skin.

Truly, you had never been more sorry than when he looked up at you with tears in his eyes. Threatening to spill over. Because of you.

You didn’t have to be told, you already knew.

Carefully, Steve stood up making his way over to you around the shattered mug. Still you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Simply just watching him until he was right in front of you — more silent than you’d ever seen him before.

“Those were about me. Weren’t they?” You nodded having no reason to lie other than to protect yourself from a rejection you been hoping to spare yourself from.

“I didn’t want you to find out like this. Or at all really.” Your resolve dropping instantly when Steve took a step further gripping by your hips, pulling you closer.

“Why not?” He questioned you, again. Almost like he needed a verbal affirmation of every secret he had just read.

Unintentionally, stealing your soul served for him on a silver platter.

“I know how you’d feel about me, Steve. It’s not how I want it to be and it’s okay.” You remove yourself from him, traveling to the other side of the living room. Suddenly, the apartment seemed suffocating with him in it. “I’m fine, Steve.”

Hearing him sigh in frustration only furthered your immense feeling of being a burden to him.

You’re just one more obstacle he has to deal with.

“One of them dated back for over two years ago. Two fucking years.” His harsh tone, piercing through you like a knife.

“I know. I should have told you.” You whispered, wishing you could disappear into any abyss that would take you. Deeply wishing you just didn’t have to endure for the rest of this conversation. Wishing you could have stopped him from opening that stupid drawer. “I tell you everything, but I just couldn’t bring myself to speak about this. Look at how you’re reacting? How could you blame me when every fear I have about this is justified?”

You really should have kept those elsewhere, not your open, public living room.

“Because it’s us. I’m always here for you.” He was still crying through broken words and you didn’t know why. Almost like you had shattered his resolve and his control leaving with it.

“Not lately. You’ve been otherwise occupied.” Suddenly find the plant in the corner of the room. It certainly weren’t trying to distract yourself from the insatiable cerulean eyes.

The breathtaking british woman wasn’t even here and as soon as she was brought up — there was a wall. Seperating, you from whatever was between the two of you.

“This isn’t my fault. You never said anything. How was I supposed to know you feel that way about me?” He tried to make his way towards you but you just stalked off in the other direction. Circling around the living room like a coward.

“It didn’t matter though, did it? You found someone perfect for you regardless of how you feel.” God, you wish he would just leave so you could let the dam break.

“No. You don’t get to do that. Since the moment I met you I only had eyes for you, but you never seemed like you were interested. So, I dropped it. Okay? You never left me a crumb to think you would ever want to be more than just friends.”

“You were my best friend. You still are. No matter how I felt, it could never outweigh the need I have for you to be in my life.” He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. Trying to figure out what was next for the both of you. Steve always had to initiate and this time was no different.

“Peggy told me tonight she wants to be exclusive.” His confession washing over you like a ton of bricks. Crushing you.

You really couldn’t have any ill feeling towards her, she was just doing what you lacked the courage and the tenacity to do.

“But I didn’t really know what to do.” He took quiet steps towards you, not wanting to spook you. He voice not no longer held the a warmth of teddy bear, but a man on a mission rather took over.

Steve kept quiet until he had you backed up into a corner, no escape route in vision for you.

“’Cause there’s this other beautiful woman, absolutely breathtaking — and I just I really needed to know how she felt. If I had known before,  I never would have gone anywhere else.” His hand caressing your soft, plump lips. Pulling on your bottom lip with his thumb, sending you into a frenzy.

“Then, I just wanted to forget about everything until Sam called me. Three beers deep, when he told me of a drawer filled with letters I should take a look at.” You could feel his breath on you, temple pressed against yours.

“I just need to hear you say it. Just once.” Taking it a step forward, intertwining your finger with his own.

“I love you.” It was all he needed as he sealed his own affirmation with a sweet kiss, inking your lips with all of his love.

[storiesundercandlelight]

I Know You - Rafe Adler x Reader - Part One

So this idea kind of came to me randomly, it doesn't follow the story of Uncharted 4/the lives of the characters/specifics but the general story of treasure etc is the same! I changed a lot to make it easier to write a shorter story so...please don't hate me for changing it/pushing parts of the game closer together!

Reader descriptions: I don't describe anything about the reader look wise obviously but I have written this in a female readers POV!

Warnings: None for this chapter!

You walked behind Nate and Sam, following their footsteps as you all moved through the jungle path. The heavily tree covered path helped against the brightness of the sun but did little to keep you from the humid heat. You found yourself regularly swatting away bugs and wiping your brow as you moved forward.

Nate was convinced you were close to your destination, that Libertalia, the famous pirate utopia was just around the next bend. It bloody better be, you thought as you swatted away another bug.

"Nate! Please tell me we're almost there!" Sam cried, chopping away at branches blocking their path.

"Yes, we're almost there I'm sure of it!! Hopefully we'll make it there before Rafe" You tripped a little at the mention of Rafe, you'd been trying hard not to think about encountering them again. God why did Rafe have to do this? Why did he have to break away from you all and go against you? You just kept letting the memories between you flash up as you walked.

_____________________________________________________________

You walked quicker, hoping you weren't going to be late. The campus here was bigger than you thought and your archaeology class was the other side of the building to where you lived in your apartment.

The hallway was quiet as you counted the numbers of the classroom doors before finally landing at the door you needed, taking a breath before you entered. Thankfully your professor wasn't there yet, other students chatting.

"You were almost late" You turned to see Rafe, his cocky smile tugging into place as he looked at you.

"Almost being the key word there" You smiled and grabbed the seat beside him, thankful that no one had snatched it up first. You and Rafe had been friends since the first day of your classes, but you knew other girls wanted to get his attention. You hated admitting it at first but you loved that he only ever gave his attention to you.

"Mmmhmm, yeah you keep on using your almost excuse, what held you up anyway?"

"I woke up late" Rafe snorted a laugh at your reply, turning his full attention to you.

"Give in, it'll be easier on all of us. You know I'm relentless" You sighed and turned to him.

"I was reading"

"For the assingment?"

"Yes" You didn't meet Rafe's eyes, turning away quickly you stayed still as he moved closer to you.

"Liar" He whispered in your ear, you gave him your best side eye in response. "Come on what trashy novel do you have tucked under your bed? You know I'll find it either way. Oh! Let me guess, kind of Indiana Jones-y, but with an oh so steamy encounter between the main characters in some dusty ruin" You rolled your eyes but couldn't hold back you smile, damn him!

"Your wrong....this one is set in Egypt, their steamy encounter took place is a very plush tent near a tomb" Rafe's laugh was infectious, his head falling into his hands as he tried to stop himself from laughing.

"Okay okay whatever" He said between giggles. "Just let me know when you're ready to put those books down and get some real action hmm?" Your professor walked into the lecture hall, grabbing everyone's attention and thankfully pulling Rafe away from noticing you blush.

_____________________________________________________________

You hated thinking of those memories now, knowing you were both on opposite sides, fighting against each other.

"There it is" You came to a halt, almost crashing into Sam as all three of you stared at the scene before you. Libertalia.

The pirate town was in ruins, old building covered in foliage. But the pure sight of it took your breath away. To imagine this place, full of pirates, bustling life, songs and laughter, loot and gambling. Your heart felt full.

"Alright let's get to the treasury" It's higher up towards the mountain.

It took almost two hours of walking, climbing, searching until you finally saw the treasury. Pulling yourself up onto the roof of a crumbling but stable building you took a moment to look at your goal. Was this where the treasure has been all this time?

Nate and Sam were climbing up behind you, you turned ready to continue before stopping. You could hear people talking. All three of you crouched down quickly, your hands automatically going for your gun.

"These fucking guys" Sam whispered. "Well, here we go"

You jumped down from the roof onto a ledge, working your way around half broken walls, stacks of warped barrels, anything to avoid Nadine's and Rafe's men.

"We can get inside without them seeing" Nate whispered.

"They've set up camp!" Sam said back. "We won't be safe camping here too, and the sun's almost down" He was right, the sun was setting fast. You could see the camp they were setting up in the main courtyard of the treasury building, the men moving debris from battles fought many years ago so that they could put up tents.

Your eyes caught movement near the back, towards the entrance. A tent was being put up right near the doors. Rafe stood by as two men secured what you guessed was hit tent, slightly further away from everyone else's.

"Rafe's there" You whispered, your stomach was doing flips knowing that not only was he there, but once again you were face to face on different teams. This whole adventure had felt wrong, always running into them and fighting with the man you knew deep down you loved.

"Alright, we can climb in higher up, set up our own camp in that part of the building there, they won't bother looking there, it isn't the main entrance. Hopefully its just a run down set of rooms"

You'd all agreed, although Sam complained the whole way up to the floor Nate pointed out. He was right though, the space was perfect, hidden, dry, warm anyway from the weather and if you leant near to a broken wall you could see Rafe's camp.

It didn't take long for Sam and Nate to fall asleep, the two brothers sprawled on the ground, packs behind their heads as pillows. But you couldn't sleep, not when Rafe was this close, you charted a way down to his tent, planning which route you would take to avoid the men on watch. It was risky but you knew Rafe wouldn't be sharing a tent and his tent was far enough from the rest that you'd be able to talk to him, maybe convince him that he didn't need to fight against you. Maybe if you could get close he would... be the old Rafe.

Taking a deep breath you got up as silently as possible and made your way down. Thoughts of what you would say to Rafe raced through your mind. Would he want to see you? Would he just take you and use you as bait? No, you refused to believe that, he'd told you once how he felt, that can't have just vanished. The memory of that night was still so clear to you.

_____________________________________________________________

"Okay okay, so Chinese?" Rafe dropped down onto your couch, looking at you impatiently.

"Fine" You smiled, knowing that if you changed your mind again Rafe may just cry from hunger.

"Finally!" Rafe pulled out his phone to order as you looked over your notes. You had to admit, you worked well as a team. Your assignments already finished and onto the proofing stage. "The horror...it won't be here for 40 minutes"

You turned to Rafe who had flopped back dramatically against the back of the couch. "Poor baby, to think you have to wait 40 minutes for someone else to cook you food"

"Don't mock me, my hunger is very real" He leant back up, pushing himself nearer to you on the couch and leaning over to look at the notes himself. You should be used to Rafe being this close to you, he was always close. Most people assumed you were a couple because of how close you were and how much time you spent together. But you couldn't stop the blush and heat that ran through you whenever he moved close. You looked over his face, his brows tilted down as he focused on the words, his hair usually neatly slicked back had rogue hairs falling down over his forehead.

God he was attractive. Your eyes went lower, to his arms, his muscles poking out from his t-shirt that really left nothing to the imagination.

"Admiring my fashion choices?" You jumped and your eyes snapped back up to Rafe who was looking at you, a smirk plastered on his face.

"No! I was...I..."

"You...?" He was so close, if you moved your head forward just a little your noses would brush against each other. You could smell his cologne, a musky woody scent that you loved. He didn't move away, his eyes flicking from yours to you lips.

He moved too quickly for you to think, suddenly his lips were on yours, pushing gently. You didn't need to think twice before reacting a melting into the kiss, your hands coming up to touch his neck, pulling him closer. His arms moved around you, a hand resting on your side as he moved into you, pushing you against the arm of the couch. There was no where for you to move and you were so okay with that.

The kiss grew hotter, more needy, hands were everywhere, pulling and pushing. Your fingers ran through his hair, messing it up even more. A faint moan escaped his lips when you tugged it slightly. You both pulled apart, but still close, Rafe rested his forehead against yours as you both caught your breath a little.

Rafe smiled and huffed out a laugh. "I've wanted to do that for so long"

"You have?"

"I thought I'd made my feelings pretty obvious" He quickly kissed you again. "You have completely ruined me, I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone else"

_____________________________________________________________

You were still caught up in old memories by the time your feet lightly touched the ground behind Rafe's tent. You stayed in the shadows listening, wanting to make sure he was alone. A few moments passed before you decided it was safe and made your way to the flaps, they were tied closed but you made quick and silent work of undoing just enough of them to squeeze in.

The tent was dark, you had to wait for your eyes to adjust fully before moving and looking around. The tent was simple, Rafe's belongings piled in one corner, an empty cot in the other. Empty.

You stood still, heart racing as you realized the cot was empty. You tried to move but suddenly a hand wrapped around your mouth, your legs knock from under you. Your back hit the ground with a thud and you felt a knife pressed against you. Rafe leaned over you.

[wendibird]

SPN 15X17 Observations

Well, watching this week went pretty smoothly (and I was actually able to get my little bluetooth keyboard thing to talk to my tablet so I was able to watch on my big TV screen and type up notes fairly easily. :) 

And just to clarify, sometimes my notes as I took them were VERY brief, and in some cases I’ve gone back and added in a few details or explanations to make clear what I meant by what at the time. 

I’ve also come to the conclusion that I don’t always remember to take notes, especially if Important Things are happening. (Do people even like the notes section? Or would you just prefer reading my odd takes on everything after the fact?) 

Anyway, here’s what I have for 15X17 “Unity”. Well, I do have more thoughts drifting around, but I’m always concerned that I’m going on too long as it is. *LOL*  (Under the cut for length and spoiler aversion)

Okay, going in I’ve heard rumors that this is a “Sam Heavy” episode, so we’ll see. *fingers crossed* 

- wow, is Chuck starting in on this world already?

- Silent treatment.

- I wonder if she’s guessed.

- fuck you Dean!

(but I’m not surprised. it just confirms what I’d already suspected about how Dean really feels about Jack.)

Commercial Thoughts:

Yeah, so, I’m firmly in Sam and Cas’ camp here. Jack may not be family to Dean, but he is to them. He’s their Son. 

I also think that though he hasn’t talked about it, Sam regrets his part in the Drama Coffin plan involving Jack last season. Think it’s one of those cases where he realized too late he was on the wrong side, and he doesn’t want to be there again.

As for Dean… I get that he wants to see the people he cares most about make it out of this. (Sam and Cas.) And I get he’s doing the tunnel vision thing. I think he knows that Sam’s right but he won’t let himself admit it.

- Wow….. The fanangels are kinda creepy.

- They’ve lost all their nuance with Chuck. Or my theory is right and Chuck has actually shifted darkside.

- Oh wow…. Amara is really going to bat here.

Commercial Thoughts:

Still not sure how much she’s (Amara) really guessed. She’s acting as though the whole “trapping him” idea is still a go, but what she’d said to Dean, as pointedly as she did, it seemed like maybe she suspected what was really going on and was still trying to give him the option to go a different way.

And even if this is Chuck having shifted dark, it could still be written with more nuance than this crappy villain schtick.

I mean, even in S11 when he’s all but given up on humanity and existence and was going to let Amara win, it was written with there being a depth to him about it.

- Don’t know if Dean’s trying to convince himself that he doesn’t care as deeply to make this easier or what.

- HOw is ADAM still alive?! And she’s an angel?

- Interesting behavior for an angel. *LOL*

- “Then he moved on to our sons.” Hints of Cain and Abel?

- Okay, so the angel kept him alive. (Sure, I can buy that.) 

- Pretty Crystals!

- He’s (Dean) heard those lines before. And Dean’s feeling uneasy about it.

- Amethyst! (Sorry, always had a thing for Amethyst and it’s my birthstone)

- (oh, okay, all of them)

- Ewww….. Open heart surgery

- Rib!

- Dean doesn’t like being rail-roaded.

- Talk time.

- I don’t like this…… (Jack using the rib and starting the suicide-bomb process.) 

Commercial Thoughts:

Okay, so, what Dean said, I’m glad he said it. And I have been getting hints of that feeling from him the whole season, about feeling disconnected because of what they found out about Chuck and their lives. I just… I still think he’s willfully blinding himself to what’s really going on. That even this version of “Free Will” is a script that he’s following. (Well, I think he’s starting to have misgivings about that.)

- Uh-oh! Ideas! 

- I love two researching nerds!

- Were we supposed to understand the Latin? *LOL* I caught “Mortem” in there a few times.

- Yey door!

- “your internal compass is functioning perfectly”

- I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!

- Who dat?

- Dead someone or other

- W section.

- Reapers maybe?

- Who’s thinning the ranks?

- Empty!Meg!

- Sam is good! (At bluffing the hell out of an ancient cosmic being.) 

- IT’S A LITTLE LATE TO STOP IT!!!!

Commercial Thoughts:

*FREAKING OUT!!!*

Jack already started it! OG!Adam said that once started the reaction couldn’t be stopped.

Okay, deeper thoughts. Everyone’s playing chess. Still. The game is just bigger.

OG!Adam wants God dead because of stuff that happened. And Billy is following his plan? (Did I get that right?) The plan will make Billy the next God. (Not surprised there honestly.) Her world will be a lot more “orderly” no doubt.

The Empty just wants to sleep. (Honestly, can relate.) 

But everyone’s just using them all as gamepieces again. Dean’s getting that feel from things OG!Adam and Whatserfaceangel said. Sam knows now too. They’re still stuck in someone else’s story. They’re still not gaining true “Free Will”. I’m hoping that the route they take will actually get them off this train track.

- DUDE - WHAT (was in reference to Dean pulling a gun on Sam)

- Go Sam! He’s not letting this one go. (Referring to my feelings on Sam feeling bad about Jack and the Drama Coffin thing from way before, and him NOT settling for Dean’s plan this time, him sticking to his guns and saying what he feels and taking action.) 

- Chuck played her (Amara) too.

- Not again! (Oh Jack, will this forever be your fate?)

- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Holy shit! That episode!

Okay, it actually did a good job of wrapping up a lot of ideas. Like, big-picture ideas that have been themes throughout the run of the show. 

Also, apparently this was the only world where Cas and the Winchesters broke the mold? Didn’t play by their roles?

Also, minor point but it made me happy: Chuck pointed out how it’s Sam who needed to find things out. Sam who kept digging. I made mention of it last episode how Billy kept going to Dean, because he was easier for her to manipulate. But Sam asks more questions. I think part of it is what Cas said about his internal compass. I think another part is his experiences. He’s been the brunt of the cosmic plot-lines a LOT of the time. So he does keep asking questions because of all the times he hadn’t and things went badly. (Like end of S4 with killing Lilith.) 

And let me be clear, it’s not that I think Dean is dumb. He isn’t. And he and Sam both make decisions a lot based on their feelings. (Sometimes it’s all you have to go on.) But he’s shown a tendency in the past several years especially to be more likely to make them based on anger. And he doesn’t get called on it often. And I don’t know if this is TOO meta (is that even a thing with this show anymore? *LMAO*) but I feel like part of that is written into the script. Of their world. Even when Dean’s wrong he’s often proven “right” by the narrative. He very rarely is made to face up to his mistakes. (Not saying he never is. But it definitely doesn’t seem to happen as often.) And I’m wondering, is that because up till now, he was Chuck’s favorite? We saw that Chuck can manipulate a LOT of things. And events, and even some people. 

How often have we noticed and commented on how the Narrative backs Dean up so much of the time, even when he might be in the wrong? Or even just questionable? Or morally grey? How much of that is possibly now supposed to be due to Chuck’s meddling? Because I’ve also seen it mentioned (and have also noticed) that although Sam winds up the “wrong one” a lot via the narrative, he’s actually HAD to learn and grow because of that. But because Dean is rarely shown as wrong, he hasn’t had to, and his character has stagnated a lot in the last several seasons. Of course, in reality, that’s due to the writing/show-running/powers-that-be making those decisions, but in-show could it possibly be something to do with Chuck? Maybe at first because he liked Dean more? But as time grew on, and he kept trying to set up his Cain and Abel plot with them, maybe it was to reinforce Dean’s self-image that he’s Right? 

And also by contrast, we had the end of last season where so many of Sam’s decisions which had been made with best intentions and best information/resources at the time wound up blowing-up in his face. As if to say "Ha-HAH! That's what you get for thinking you could lead people! That's what you get for thinking you could save Jack! That's what you get for thinking someone like Nick could be redeemed! That's what you get for talking your brother out of the Drama-Coffin plan!" It felt like it was specifically intended to make him severely doubt his own judgement. And it worked. After all that shit went down, one thing after another, culminating with their mother's death, he didn't trust himself. He didn't believe in himself. So he put all his trust in Dean. And Dean was full of RAGE. (I don't blame him. His Mom has been a keystone of his life, even when she wasn't there.) But Sam didn't give the objections he normally would have to Dean's plan to box-up Jack. Even though it was CLEAR how much he didn't like it. How wrong it felt to him.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I think Chuck has been nudging and manipulating a LOT of things in order to get the Winchesters to behave how he wants them to. 

IDK. My head is hurting from some of these meta thoughts. *LOL*

SO! Back to what happened in the actual episode.

I thought the format was interesting, focusing in on the different POV characters for their spans of the story until it all came together. (Wondering if this is going to continue into the next episode…) 

I liked that we got a lot of reveals about what is (possibly) really going on, in regards to the grand schemas. Because there are several at play here. But now we're at least getting glimpses of them. 

Even though we didn't see Billy, I thought the reveal about her plans were interesting, but definitely fit with her character as established so far. I know a lot of people are saying she's gotten drunk with her power or she's "turning evil" but I don't think that's the case. It's true that she hasn't told them everything about her plans, but that's because she's also using them as pieces in her game. But her goal is the same as it's always been since we first met her. She has ALWAYS been about the Natural Order. She never liked how the Winchesters (or anyone else) flaunted death again and again. So once she's in charge? Everyone and everything goes where they belong. The demons stay in hell, the angels stay in heaven, souls go where they're meant to, people from other universes go back (even if there's no universe to go back TO. Tough shit, they'd be dead anyway according to her) and those who have already died and been resurrected? They go back to wherever they should be. (At least, I THINK that was the implication made, with Sam asking Dean if he'd be willing to trade HIM to take-out Chuck. Sam was definitely realizing a LOT when Empty!Meg told him what Billy's plan was.) 

This isn't her turning Evil like has been done with Chuck. It's more, her becoming a more extreme version of what she already was. When she got her promotion, she found out a LOT more things. Including this option of events for taking Chuck out and putting things back to how they belong. And it even started with Dean's aborted Drama Coffin plan. Which eventually fails, because Sam, but it then leads to Jack sacrificing his soul to take out AU Michael, which eventually leads to Mary's Death and Chuck's opportunity to manipulate things more and so on and so forth until we wind up here. 

(Also, just wanna say, absolutely LOVED Rachel as the Empty again!) 

And also, having just watched that scene again, can I just say again how awesome Sam is? He straight-up told the Empty that even if he WAS lying, their best bet is to let him go with the book. And it couldn't really argue with that because he was right! (Well, if it had killed him then and there, Dean probably wouldn't have known right away and probably would have been able to carry out the plan. So there is that. Buuuuut none of them knew that either at the time.) 

And in general, I love how Sam just would NOT give up. This is the Sam Winchester I've come to love. He could feel in his bones that this plan was wrong so he was doing everything he could to not only stop it, but to find some other way to get what they truly wanted. 

I also loved his and Cas' interactions. They were supportive of each other and both were trying to find a way to save their son. (Dean has officially forfeited his Dad-Card in my book. Hell, in his book too.) Also, I remember hearing someone from production, or who was maybe on set or something mentioning something about the Holy Grail in this episode? Well, in that scene where Sam and Cas are looking through those old crates and trunks and boxes, when Cas finds the key Sam is holding this really old looking chalice. Wonder if that's supposed to be what that is. *LOL* I mean, the Spear of Destiny (or at least, the head of the spear) was there in the Bunker, so why not I guess? *LOL*

We didn't get a lot of Sam and Jack interaction, but I liked what little we had. Sam made it clear to Jack that he wants to save him. (I'm really hoping we get SOMETHING more of them in the next episode or two but... yeah. Not a lot of time left.) 

I could go on for some length about my feelings on Dean and how he's been this season. But I don't want this to turn into a fully anti-Dean rant. I will say though that I'd definitely gotten the impression before this that Dean has different categories of people he cares about, and in his mind, he also has them ranked according to how expendable they are. And I'm not just talking about Jack here, though he is a major part of it. But at the end of the episode when he and Sam are having it out, Dean says he's basically willing to sacrifice EVERYONE to get what he wants. 

(I don't think he's actually willing to sacrifice Sam for it though. And yes, I know, he was waving a gun in Sam's face. But I don't believe for a moment he had any intention of killing his brother. Not when Sam asking point blanc if Dean is willing to trade him for killing Chuck, and that seems to be what causes Dean to start listening to what Sam's saying. Also, in the past, Dean hasn't been above threatening people to get what he wants. Like with Kaia. Also in S8's "Trail and Error" when he and Sam were talking about taking out the hellhound, Dean pretty much said if Sam even tries to get close to it, Dean would shoot him in the leg. Now, we never got to see if he actually would have or not, but regardless, it was a case of Dean being willing to hurt Sam a little in order to protect him from something he saw as a bigger threat. In that case it had been taking on the trials. In this case, it would have been to win their shot at freedom. At least in Dean's mind. Not saying I approve! Just, I think that's where his mindset was.) 

And this is a far cry from the Dean who, just a few years ago was willing to be a kamikaze bomb in order to save the world. And yes, Dean has mentioned "Saving the world" this season too. And I'm sure he means that too. But when he was at his most emotional, what he was talking about wasn't saving the world and everyone in it. It was freeing him and Sam from being Chuck's entertainment. And he's willing to sacrifice nearly anyone to accomplish that. At least, he was up til now. I hope that they're going to give him a change of heart before the end because I really REALLY would like the show to end with me not despising Dean and what he's become. Yes, I'm a Sam-girl, but I do care about Dean too. 

Also, I feel bad for Amara and what wound up happening with her. Like many other characters, she fell victim to Chuck's manipulations, and now I'm guessing he's even stronger than before. But also, Chuck wasn't the only one manipulating her. And maybe if they, (Dean especially, since she had a soft-spot for him) had actually been trying to find another way earlier, she wouldn't have fallen to despair when finding out the truth. 

Aaaaaanyway, I think I've rambled enough about this episode as it is. Thank you to whoever actually bothers to read all of this. *LOL*

[orionsangel86]

what are your thoughts on the deancas endgame.. how will they resolve the Empty.. any thoughts?

Ah that old question! How it pains us all! :P

What are my thoughts on DeanCas endgame now? Honestly it changes everyday!

When Cas first made his deal with the Empty, it seemed so damn obvious to me that it would be a lead up to overt canon Destiel. At the time I was pretty sure that there was nothing else that could bring Cas that level of happiness. Now I’m not so sure. Cas’s devotion to Jack has only grown, and the fracturing of the Winchester family at the end of Season 14 was a huge hit to him. I can now easily envisage something as simple as Cas being invited to carve his name on the bunker table being the trigger point, so long as Jack is alive and well. Being part of the Winchester family has definitely been the principle factor the writers have built on for Cas over the past season. I therefore think that if the Empty does come for Cas, it will be from something familial, something like Jack and the Winchesters all sitting around and them paying specific attention to Cas for doing something great, like actually stopping a monster, saving a ton of people, and doing it all the human way, leading to a very impressed Sam and a loved up Dean beaming at him and telling him to carve his initials, and making sure he adds the W.

As much as I would love it and ascend to fandom heaven if it happened, I don’t think the empty deal is gonna be triggered by Dean grabbing and kissing Cas up against his bedroom door, or even actually saying a very clearly romantic “I love you”. Not that I don’t think that will happen at all, but I feel the Empty deal will need to be addressed very soon, and I just can’t see any overt confirmation of Destiel in text before the very end (if at all) at this point.

Please let me explain my thought process on this before anyone get’s upset or jumps on me.

Season 15, imo, has done a lot for Destiel. Since the very first episode we have had a clear emotional storyline specific to Dean and Cas. Their relationship drama has basically fuelled the emotional heart of the season so far. It has lead to journalists, interviewers, and plenty of check marks on Twitter agreeing that whatever Dean and Cas have, it’s something very special, and important to Supernaturals beating core.

The fact is, Dean and Cas are already being written as a romantic couple. They are being written as two people who deeply love each other, to the point that they get ridiculously overly emotional around each other and when the other hurts them. Their relationship is constantly called out by other characters (Belphegor, Rowena) and mirrored to the more overt (however unfair that is) heterosexual relationship in the show (Sam and Eileen).

If we were still living within the era of the Hays Code, if this was The Celluloid Closet, then we would already be championing Destiel as an epic example of queer romance. It IS a queer romance after all. Destiel is real, it exists within the Supernatural story, and the SPN writing team including actual queer writers are 100% on our side and writing Destiel as best they can. This I am 100% certain of at this stage. As a meta writer, I am already validated that my reading of the show and of Destiel as a queer romance in the show is correct. Destiel isn’t something anyone can justifiably call us delusional for seeing anymore. We have come way far beyond that point here. If you see Destiel as a romantic love story, your reading is a correct reading because that IS the story the writers are writing. Season 15 has confirmed that with the Destiel break up story arc and Dean’s prayer. This I say with absolute certainty. Your reading of Destiel as valid and an actual queer love story is correct. It is the story they are telling. People can’t deny Destiel anymore because it is those deniers who at this stage look pretty damn delusional ya know?

I have bolded several lines above because they are important and I really want to stress that this is my stance on the matter. Do not let anyone try to convince you that I feel differently here. If you are a young queer person who sees yourself and your relationship in the DeanCas love story you are valid in seeing that. Exactly as it is, right now, without any need for further confirmation within the story. I am in no way trying to invalidate you by what I am about to say next.

I mentioned the Hays Code and the Celluloid Closet. If you haven’t seen the Celluloid Closet I urge you to watch it as it is a fascinating look into queer coding within the Hays code era. Also, quickly, if you aren’t aware of what I mean by the Hays Code it’s basically the code that Hollywood had to adhere to, setting out rules of what could and couldn’t be portrayed in cinema at the time. Here’s a link to the Wiki article on the history of queer cinema. The introduction of the Hay’s code also meant the introduction of queer coding and subtext rather than explicit dipictions of queer romance in cinema. When I refer to this in relation to Dean and Cas, basically what Supernatural is doing with Dean and Cas is exactly what was done to dipict queer romance in order to get around the Hays code during the era when it was enforced.

So when I say that Destiel is real and valid and being written as a love story, I mean that the writers are basically doing with Destiel what savvy filmmakers had to do to circumvent the Hay’s code during Hollywoods golden age.

Do you see the issue yet?

It is 2020. The Hay’s Code has been abolished for around 50 years.

I fully respect the SPN writing team for trying to tell the Destiel love story as best they can, but at this point in time, even with everything they have already given us, it is still subtext.

Subtext IS a part of the text. What is Canon? What isn’t Canon? Honestly? I’m done with the arguments about it. Believe what each of you want to believe. What I will say is that I don’t think we are going to get anything more overt from the show at this point. The reason I say this is because the writers have now had plenty of ideal opportunities to actually bring the Destiel love story into text. They could have had a single line in 15x07 that confirmed Dean and Lee had a romantic relationship when they were younger. It would have been so easy to do. But they didn’t. Dean’s prayer to Cas, in all it’s glory, could have given us one line more as well. We could have had a love confession. They could have taken it there. Again, it would have been so easy, and it was the ideal opportune moment for Dean to confess. But they didn’t.

I have gone back and forth on this particular question over and over again. The question being will Destiel be brought into explicit undeniable text by series end?

Again, I stress, this question is completely separate to the question of the validity of Destiel already within the text and I swear to God if I get a single argumentative person in my mentions coming at me because they’ve been brainwashed by *people* trying to twist and blur these lines I am going on an even bigger blocking spree to the one I’ve already been on.

In my opinion, the answer to this question resides not with the decisions of the writers (who I fully believe would make it overtly canon in a heartbeat if they could) but with the CW execs. I have my own theories about what goes on behind the scenes, and what I think Dabb has been fighting with since he first took over as showrunner in season 11, and I just really hope that at some point once this is all over we will get a big expose on the truth about Destiel which confirms my speculation and slams the CW execs for not wanting to go there with Supernatural in particular (something I have previously talked about here). I would love for the execs to have given the green light on Destiel being overt by season end, and I am still hoping they have been more lenient this season even if the okay is only for one small moment. Whatever we get or do not get, it will be at the hands of the CW execs and not the writers. That’s the one thing I ask everyone to please keep in mind whatever happens in the end.

As far as what I think may or may not happen...

I would love for the Empty to take Cas because Dean confesses his love and kisses him. Or even if the Empty takes Cas because of other things, having Dean then rescue Cas from the Empty in a poetic reverse of Cas rescuing Dean from Hell, with the big reunion being their overt textual getting together. I feel like the story could go in so many different directions right now as I don’t actually feel like the plot of season 15 is all that coherant so far. The main key notes were Dean and Cas’s relationship drama, Sam and Eileen’s reunion, Chuck messing with the boys and Jack’s return. I think that things will ramp up pretty quickly in this final run of episodes from mid March to the finale, and I think a lot of storylines will get addressed and resolved in a short space of time, at this point, if anything overt does happen for Dean and Cas, it will happen quickly, and the story will move on, or it will be left in the subtext until the very final episode, or it will remain in subtext completely.

Personally, I think that Dean and Cas’s love story will remain subtextual until the very end, with potentially an “I love you” from Dean that will be interpreted as platonic by all major media sources much to all of our frustrations (a repeat of the Season 12 Cas “I love you”) (As Dean needs to tell Cas he loves him as a plot point at this stage, regardless of whether it is romantic or platonic the story basically demands it be said). I am still quietly confident that Dean and Cas will end the season together in some way, either living or dead, I don’t think that their story or their individual story arcs work if they are separated, and I will be stunned and hurt the same way I was for Game Of Thrones if the show does take a different route.

Therefore, since I see the show ending with Dean and Cas together, I can potentially see them taking each others hands in one final shot that basically subtly confirms that they are an item without ever actually textually stating anything more or giving us a kiss or anything. I personally, would be very satisfied with this. If it doesn’t happen though, if I’m totally honest, I would also be satisfied so long as they are still together by the shows end, as I have continually stressed, Destiel is already a real and valid love story that totally validates me as a meta writer, even if it isn’t technically “canon” by all major definitions of the term. (Again I stg if anyone comes at me for saying this I am blocking without devoting a second of my time to arguing with you I am literally at zero tolerance on this ridiculous argument right now and refuse to be dragged back into the bullshit).

Whatever happens, I am loving what we are getting so far. I’ve really been enjoying this season especially the Dean and Cas storyline because it has been so intense and emotional and I LIVE FOR IT! :D I know I’ll be a puddle of tears whatever happens and I just hope that it keeps up this excellent trajectory because so far I’ve been really pleased with everything else we’ve got even if I was slightly disappointed by the show not pushing 15x07 and 15x09 just that tiny bit further into overt canon confirmation of Bi!Dean and Destiel. We’ll see. As I have already said several times, I am feeling pretty validated by my interpretation of Dean and Cas’s relationship over the past so many years I’ve been writing about them. I am confident that I will continue to feel validated as we reach the final run of episodes, and I will continue to be optimistic that Dean and Cas will get a satisfying ending together, whether that includes overt textual Destiel confirmation or not.

[blogspersonal707]

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[hawkland]

Dear Fandom5k Author

My AO3 account (sidewinder)

Hello and thank you for writing for me! I’m excited to give this exchange a try for the first time and cannot wait to read what you can come up with for one of my requests. Please note I’d love any of them equally, no matter if I have more prompt ideas for one or the other. Some I seriously would love just about anything about since they are so rare, others I have more specific requests to scratch itches I haven’t seen written before (or that much.)

General Likes:

Soumates with a twist. I love soulmate/soulbond AUs, as long as it’s just not a shortcut to happily-ever, no-conflict fluff. I want there to be some difficulties or angst involved. For instance, I’d love seeing any fusion/inspired-by fics based off the concept of the AMC Soumates series - where there’s a newly-developed scientific test a person can choose to take to find their soulmate (if the other person out there has also taken the test). That way it’s a choice to find out or not. Would an already established couple want to take the test to find out if they’re really “meant” to be together or not? What if they find out other people are their “soulmates”? What about the possibility of platonic soulmates vs romantic? Discussions for the future if/when one partner dies before the other? I’d love to see these questions played out with one of my fave ships in either a  happy or somewhat angsty/dark way.

Vacation/travel stories. Being unable to travel this past year+ thanks to covid-19 has me desperate to explore and live vicariously through my favorite characters! So I’d love a story involving travel to somewhere new (to them). It could be a romantic getaway/honeymoon trip to somewhere special - and I love it when an author “takes me” to a favorite city/place of their own. Or two friends just going on an escapade together, maybe one sensing the other needs some time away from a stressful situation or workplace.

Smutty likes: I love extended kissing scenes, frottage, light restraint play, sharing-one-bed-for-~reasons~-ooops-how-did-we-wake-up-cuddling, bathing/caretaking an injured partner-turns-erotic, desperate/reunion sex.

Canon-divergent AUs - I’m always good with fix-its, shifts in canon that only change one thing and see what happens next or instead.

Do Not Wants:

A/B/O dynamics, mating heats. (I do like Supernatural fics that explore Castiel and the angels having bird-like behaviors and instincts, however.)

animal abuse/death

anything related to pregnancy/childbirth/kidfic (except for Jack in SPN)

formalized BDSM relationships

scat/watersports

unrequested alternative-universe scenarios such as high school/mundane/genderswap/coffee shop/fantasy/etc. There are a few ships/groups where I would enjoy specific AUs, and those are outlined below.

Completely sad endings/permanent character death or injury that isn’t part of canon

Rape/non-con between requested characters. Dubious consent is fine in situations like magic spells/possession/fuck-or-die, however.

Supernatural

AU - Canon Divergence, Character Development, Established Relationship, Getting Together, Fix-it fic, Interpersonal Drama, Smut, Angst, Canon-Style Plot - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Mystery/Procedural, Slice of Life, Worldbuilding, Horror

In general for SPN, I love canon-divergence AUs at pretty much any point in time (especially as they kept having so many dumb reasons in canon to keep Dean & Cas apart just when one or the other seriously needed support or TLC!) I’m okay with post-series Heaven fics as well as canon fix-its/completely ignoring the finale, and I like exploring both human!Cas as endgame or Cas keeping/getting his full angelic grace back (which is a slight preference to me, as he repeatedly seemed to genuinely value/want to be an angel? But exploring all possibilities in fic is cool for me.)

I’m a sucker for Castiel Whump/hurt!Cas in general, so long as the author remembers Cas is a bad ass and not just a baby in a trenchcoat. If he’s going to suffer, I want him to suffer stoically until he just cannot keep up the facade any longer.  

SPN-specific DNWs: mentions/implications of Wincest, past or present; extreme bashing/characterization of John and Mary Winchester, or Jimmy Nowak, as homophobic. 

Group: Castiel/Dean Winchester Group: Castiel/Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester

Give me all the finale fix-it fics - no I’m still not over it, I’m still happy to read any new twist on how Cas got out of the Empty and got back together with Dean (and Sam). If Dean still dies early/ends up in Heaven, I’d like a story that explores what happens when one gets bored of peace-and-happiness-ever-after. (Yes, I’m a big fan of The Good Place and as such it makes me wonder if eternity with no conflict and everything you could ever want would just melt your brain and identity after a few millennia.) So what then?

I’m also stealing a Tumblr rant as a prompt I’d love to read, if you want to get into some good dirty smut:

ive had it up to here with fictional gays being like “i love you and if all i can ever have is that knowledge it’s enough for me” we need more “i have been struck down by horny insanity and i beg you to fuck me once. i’ve had three smirnoff ices and i’m gonna be crazy now. we can pretend it didn’t happen i don’t give a shit just gimme daddy’s blunt instrument” it’s more realistic [x]

Um so yeah. I’d love an au where, anywhere along the line when it’s been their/someone’s/the universe’s life on the life, Cas takes the initiative decides they’re gonna have crazy sex even if it’s just once before the end of the world/we die. But then, oops, we’ve survived, now we have to deal with it. ...Please?

For something different, maybe more romantic/fluffy, I’d really love a vacation/getaway story here, since they never really got anything like that of substance on the show. I want to see Cas take Dean somewhere beautiful and amazing in the world he’s never gotten to see before. Show him there’s more than just greasy diners and the landscape of America to enjoy and experience. If you want, they could stumble on a case/haunting/monster from another part of the world while they’re at it...but I just really want to see Dean having some mind-opening and expanding experiences beyond what’s he’s known and seen so far in life.

In specific with Cas/Dean + Sam, I love another tumblr idea I saw recently where Sam totally keeps bringing up the idea of “Sastiel” as a fun joke between him and Cas, and Cas plays along, and it drives Dean up the wall. Cas has to just keep re-assuring Dean that no, he doesn’t see Sam that way...but why does it bother Dean so much? A.k.a. Dean has to finally own up to the fact that it bothers him because he wants Cas to feel that way about him.

Castiel (Supernatural)

I just love Cas, period, end of story, he’s my One True Character of SPN. I love any stories that try to explore him more fully—be it his relationships in the past with other angels and being a BAMF commander/warrior of Heaven, or what specifically it is that keeps him so tied to the Winchesters. I love stories that feature his true-form in some fashion or try to dig into the alien/different nature of angels vs. humans.

Also, another Tumblr-musing-turned-prompt (I lost who posted it, sorry!) I'd love to see explored in a canon divergence fic focused on Cas. Specifically: 

"I would have loved an arc for Cas (after he got his grace back) where he wanted to help people, like he was helped. Spending time in soup kitchens or healing people, and through that developing a sense of self purpose, leading to his grace replenishing unexpectedly. Sort of fulfilling the traditional angel role (as we know it nowadays) by replacing his faith in heaven/dean with faith in himself, to redefine himself as a protector of humanity instead of heaven's soldier."

Group: Castiel/Dean Winchester & Jimmy Novak Group: Castiel & Jimmy Novak

We know Cas carried a lot of guilt for what happened to Jimmy and his whole family. So I'm interested in a post-finale, canon-compliant (I guess?) fic where Cas tries to reconcile things with Jimmy in Heaven. Maybe Jimmy & Amelia were one of his first "projects" or test cases in trying to build a new and better Heaven with Jack? (And it's what he was so busy with while Dean was still alive.) Or, is it weird in Heaven with Cas and Jimmy looking so similar? Does Cas still fight doubts as to whether Dean really loves him, or just desires this body/form that isn’t his own?

Otherwise, I've been thinking about Endverse!Cas, who had lost his grace/powers as the angels have all left and abandoned humankind. What happened to/where is Jimmy in all of that? (If we go by the canon that Jimmy was not killed, nor went to Heaven, until the end of Season 5, when Lucifer blew up that vessel and Cas was resurrected by Chuck.) Are they now two "mortal men"/souls trapped sharing one body? Is that why Cas is so messed up/always seeking an escape through drugs and sex? (Besides of course Dean having changed so much.) This is one prompt where I don’t mind a very dark/not-so-happily-ever-after ending.

The Police

Angst, Character Development, Established Relationship, Getting Together, Humor, Interpersonal Drama, Smut

Group: Sting/Stewart Copeland

Yeah I’ll always request these two together even though I know it’s a long shot to find anyone else as obsessed about them as I am. Really anything at all whatsoever would make me happy for this ship: Reunion Tour-era fic, early punk days before they grew successful, soulmate AUs...

I’d also love a spooky story where they’re on tour/on the road somewhere and end up in a haunted hotel. Or their tour bus/van breaks down in the middle of nowhere and they have to seek shelter in an abandoned house or farm or something...and supernatural weirdness ends up affecting them or bringing them together.

If you want to go the crack route: it wasn’t enough for Miles to take them all around the world to tour in “exotic” locations back in the day. He’s arranged for them now to go on the ultimate tour...of outer space and alien worlds.

Crossover Fandom

Action/Adventure, Character Development, Interpersonal Drama, Angst, Canon-Style Plot - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Mystery/Procedural

Group: Abe Morgan (Forever TV) & John Munch (L&O: SVU)

I’ve had a long running headcanon that these two could have been friends back in their respective 60s/early 70s hippie days. I’d love either a story set back then, “pre-canon”, or them running into each other in NYC later in life. Munch ending up in Abe’s antique shop, for instance, while on an investigation?  

Group: Dean Winchester (Supernatural) & Ezekiel Stone (Brimstone) Group: Castiel (Supernatural) & Ezekiel Stone (Brimstone)

I’m fascinated by the idea of crossing over these two canons. Even if there’s some conflict in their approach to Hell/Lucifer/demons, there’s still a lot in common. Dean & Ezekiel having both put in their time in Hell and being demon hunters, for instance, and their complicated relationships with (fallen) angels. I’d love to see them bonding over their experiences (Maybe they even meet in Hell? Time DOES work differently there…) Maybe somehow after Ezekiel completed his mission for the Devil, he did get his second chance at “life on Earth”…but the devil’s trick is that it’s not HIS Earth, it’s in a different dimension (Supernatural’s). I’m also curious how Ezekiel might respond to Castiel as an angel–perhaps he mistakes Cas for a demon at first, with his powers, but then they realize they are in fact hunting the same demon? Cas is stuck in an alternative dimension and recognizes Ezekiel as a similar soul to Dean’s, and seeks out his help?

Basically I’d love some kind of casefic/demon hunt here, with the characters bonding over their shared/similar past traumas, taking care of each other when/if injured on a hunt, and/or perhaps helping them sort out their complicated feelings for another (ie, background Cas/Dean and/or Zeke/the Devil are TOTALLY welcome here, as I ship both of those ships.)

Law & Order: SVU

Group: John Munch/Odafin "Fin" Tutuola

Character Development, Established Relationship, Humor, Getting Together, Interpersonal Drama, Canon-Style Plot - Freeform, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mystery/Procedural, Slice of Life, AU-Genre shift

Munch/Fin is one of my eternal OTPs so I’m always happy to see something new featuring them! I’m always good for procedural/case-fics. And this is one request where I’d love to read some AU-Genre or setting shift, reimagining the two in some other situations besides police work. I’ve always loved the idea of John hosting a conspiracy/weird news radio show or podcast, and Fin as someone completely skeptical but who gets wrapped up in one of John’s mysteries. Or John as the owner of a bar somewhere that Fin is one of his regulars, and over time their friendship develops/deepens into something more.

Supernatural RPF

Misha Collins/Jensen Ackles Established Relationship, Getting Together, Smut, Fluff, Slice of Life, Humor

It’s odd for me to be into an actor RPF fandom (I usually only fall for music/band-related ones), but what can I say...these two just make it almost impossible not to see the possibilities!

I was thinking I’d love something set post-Supernatural...their first time seeing each other again after a long time apart? (What with the show ending, covid, Misha’s surgery, etc etc.) Could be at a convention or maybe they get to go off on a getaway together somewhere private/romantic and it’s...kind of tense and maybe nervous/angsty at first? Like with doubts about whether they can/should go back to the way things were before.

Or: putting tin-hatty speculation about the “secret/real identity” of Alma Perpetua aside, I love their poetry and I’d love any “Cockles” fic using one of their poems as inspiration.

[rainhalydia]

D, I, K, J, Q, R, W? :D

Thanks, darling!

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

For Les Mis, I can’t like any other ships involving Enjolras and Grantaire except for Enjolras x Grantaire. I wish I liked them even a little bit because it would really enjoy the range of fic I’d like to read, but alas, their journeys are too connected for me to want anything else.

For Teen Wolf, I wish I liked Alison x Lydia more. I liked their friendship, and Lydia certainly cared deeply about Alison, but it irked me that Alison never bothered to warn Lydia about the third season treat.

For Asoiaf, Thramsay, because the crowd seems super chill and the fics seem amazing, but I just know I won’t really enjoy them even if they’re high quality. Also any Robb ship that’s not Throbb.

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

No, because as soon as I get in a fandom and start looking for content, I also block anyone that has even the slightest annoying opinion. I’m not in fandom to hear how my faves are terrible, thank you very much. Even so, thanks to tumblr I’m never watching Star Wars.

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

For Les Mis, Grantaire. I love that he’s allowed to fail so badly even if we never hear about the repercussions. That’s an essential part of his arc, and it’s also one of the things that make me remember that Hugo was a professional writer, you know?

For Teen Wolf, Lydia. She has always had hidden depths, but with the actors coming and going from the show, her story grew and I liked where it went by the end. I especially liked how her relationship with Jackson was handled.

For Asoiaf, Theon. Best arc in the series, best words GRRM has ever written.

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)

The Untamed, Good Omens, The Witches, The Magnus Archive... I’m only interested in watching one of them right now, but I feel I’ve learned most of them by osmosis anyway.

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.

I no longer care about Harry Potter. Thankfully it happened before all the JKR drama, and I’m including from her TERFdom to her amazing takes on twitter such as students pooping on the floor even though there are canonical bathroom in the school here, though one is more serious than the other. I simply wasn’t that impressed with the last book, I think I was outgrowing even her writing style looking back, but it didn’t help that my favorite characters were killed off. Also, the epilogue was deeply frustrating, not for the usual reasons fandom doesn’t like it...

That said, sometimes my brain gives me some random headcanons and opinions still, such as: Ron would be the popular one in a world where Voldemort didn’t exist.

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

Les Mis: Grantaire, Joly and Bossuet. That Grantaire rant where he lists Bossuet’s baldness as one of the causes for his hopelessness with the world is amazing. As are Joly’s and Bossuet’s reactions of just letting him rant to his heart’s satisfaction and then just changing the subject. Also love that part where Bossuet finds time to make a little joke about Grantaire sleeping on duty during barricade times.

Teen Wolf: My favorite friendship was Liam and Mason. It was just refreshing. They’re both highly underrated characters, actually, probably due to debuting when the show was alread past it’s prime, so to say.

Asoiaf: from what we actually see playing out instead of mostly being told, I think number 1 is Jon and Sam. I also ship them, but I love their friendship as well. Sam just brings out the best in Jon, which in turn explains why Sam thinks so highly of him and why he’s so shocked at the baby swap. Honorable mention to Arya, who will make friends with a rock if given the chance, though most of the time her “friends” don’t deserve her - the exception being Gendry, who’s her love interest anyway, and the sex workers in Braavos.

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

I’ll read basically anything, but I’ve yet to find a fake relationship fic that I like. No, I lie, I liked @janiedean‘s fic where Throbb pretend to be engaged to rent a place. But that is a good reason to fake a relationship! Which is the secre to make this trope work! In fact, a list of good reasons to fake a relationship with the person you’re secretly in love with features things like:

- renting a place (like in the fic mentione above);

- getting a visa;

- getting a tax discount;

- pretending to be a couple to spy on people or countries;

- getting discounts on stupid things;

- adopting a kid that needs adopting asap.

Those are all things I’d love to read about! And I’m sure there are more reasons if we start to think about it, but you know what reason most fics I’ve seen on the topic pick?

- To get overbearing parents off the character’ back.

Now, that is a good idea in one specific situaton: when a gay character needs a beard. But somehow that’s never how it goes, so we’re left with people getting into fake relationships with their crushes even though the most obvious solution is to tell the parents to take care of their own damn lives!

Another thing that irritates me in this trope when authors pick the overbearing parent route: the whole thing is usually played for laughs. I hate that. If your relationship with yout parent is so bad that you’d rather fake a relationship rather than just make up a boyfriend/girlfriend, then this parent has to be a nightmare of a person! But most authors have no idea what it’s like to have an overbearing parent and it shows. So we end up with well-meaning, caring parents who would absolutely respect their offspring’s privacy and boundaries should they be stated. In short, not the kind of parents that give reason to fake an entire relationship.

I also dislike high school AUs on principle.

[etraytin]

Directors cut for “Ourselves and Immortality” (I sobbed, btw, the whole way through it. SOBBED. Especially when Donna has to ID people. But I loved it.)

Ourselves and Immortality is by far the most depressing fic I have ever written, but thinking about it makes me happy because I FINALLY got it finished, woo-hoo! It started out as a one-shot (just like Such A Winter’s Day, in fact), at the beginning of my 100-Day-Fic-A-Day back in 2016. I was in a very creative mood back then and taking pretty much any prompt anybody threw at me. My husband, who is only a very casual TWW fan but gives good prompts, tossed me “Roger Tribbey’s first hour as President.” 

“Wow,” I mused, “Everybody’s going to hate that.” 

But the idea was too tantalizing to pass up; it was so completely unlike anything I had written so far. Even just doing the one-shot involved a fair amount of research, figuring out where Secretary of Agriculture falls in the order of succession and such. Turns out, basically everybody else has to die in order for Roger to land in the hot seat. And if President Bartlet, Vice President Hoynes, and the Cabinet were going down, it seemed obvious that most of the staff would be gone as well. This fic prompt came along just as Designated Survivor was getting started, so I didn't want to go the "terrorists blow up the State of the Union" route, because that felt too done. Unfortunately (or fortunately for real life) there's really not that many ways to take out the government that don't also take out Washington DC and that don't involve targeted building destruction. 

(This got kind of long and involved, so I’m tucking it behind a cut.)

I wound up reaching back into my sci-fi reading childhood, to an original series Star Trek novel called The Pandora Principle. In that novel, the crew discovers an alien artifact and takes it to Starfleet Headquarters for research, only for the artifact, secretly a weapon, to shatter when it is scanned and release a bioagent that eradicates all the oxygen in the air like a self-replicating virus. Everyone in the building dies except for Captain Kirk, who for shenanigan-related reasons is in a self-sealing bunker under the building, and the rest of the novel is devoted to trying to nullify the agent before it manages to escape the hermetically sealed building. It's a great book, evocative and claustrophobic, and I definitely recommend it, but for the purposes of what I thought was a quickie one-shot, I stole the idea of a weapon that could asphyxiate everyone in a building nearly faster than they could realize they were doomed. As the story developed I had to cobble together a little modern-Earth science to flesh it out, but I hoped that the story would hold without much in the way of explanation of how everything had happened. 

One thing that helped was that OaI was not, at its heart, an action adventure story. It was barely a mystery, really. Our main characters were not the ones charged with solving the mystery or catching the bad guy. For the most part, they were not even in direct danger (except for Syl's brief action turn at the end). We spent one chapter with Mike Casper as he investigated and one chapter with the bad guy to get some important creepy exposition, but by far the character we spend the most time with is Roger. It's not Roger's job to know what the Asphyxiant is made of or its exact biological effect, and it's not Roger's job to hunt the bad guys down like dogs in the street. Like pretty much every West Wing story, it's Roger's job to keep the country running, and it's the job of the people around him to help him. The story had to be about what was happening in The White House, with the action-adventure plot clicking along offscreen and occasionally cropping up in a phone call or Sit Room briefing. I had to avoid a lot of temptation, but in a way it made the job easier. West Wing stories are stories about relationships. 

Writing the canon characters was very hard, especially in the beginning. The thing that never caught for me about Designated Survivor was how quickly the survivors moved on after the disaster. Their friends and colleagues were murdered, and there was little indication that anybody even cared. But Margaret, Carol, Mrs. Landingham, Danny and especially Donna, these people were gutted. Every single one of them was utterly devastated, but from Roger's perspective it was hard to see because all of them are so good at their jobs and so dedicated, they'd keep carrying on as best they could until they collapsed. I decided pretty early on that I would start spreading the point of view around so we could see what the characters were going through in their own voices, but that only Roger would get more than one chapter. (I did break this rule right at the end; Donna gets the first and last non-Roger chapters in the story.) Roger's narrative ties the story together but being the President requires one to stay largely in one place while being told things, so spreading out the POV also gave the story a little more momentum.

Donna's first chapter was probably the hardest part of the story to write, both because I am a hardcore J/D shipper and I'd just shut the pairing down in the cruelest of ways, and also because it was through her eyes that I had to bring the scope of the horror home without fully traumatizing the readers. My first draft of the chapter included considerably more time in the refrigerated warehouse with the FBI team, and a lot more detail about the last minutes of the lives of the senior staffers. I ended up going through and cutting a lot of it out, leaving the audience to understand how terrible it was by the way it affected Donna, rather than by my descriptions of it. And yes, it is one of several chapters I cried while writing. There's a reason (several reasons, but my own feels especially) that I had to let Zoey and Charlie live!  And yes, Margaret was speaking for me when she admitted to temporarily forgetting about Annie and Gus, but we got around to them eventually. 

OaI wound up containing most of the material I wrote for it, but it has one deleted scene and one crackadelic alternate ending. The deleted scene occurs shortly before the state funeral and is from Bonnie's perspective; she and Ginger are trying to pack up Sam and Toby's offices to allow the new senior staffers to move in. I got it half-written, then thought I lost it in a computer-related accident. It was so damn sad to write the first time, and it was all character work and only smidgens of plot, and I was really mad about losing the work, so I decided to skip over it and go straight on to the next thing, which I believe may have been Zoey's chapter. It turned out that I did recover most of what I'd written for the chapter, but by the time I found it, the plot had moved on. I tried to make it up to Bonnie by giving her a nice little character bit and a job promotion at the end of the story. 

The crackadelic ending is sort of a long story. Most of the reason that OaI got finished despite all my life changes and busy years and general creative slump is that my parents both fell in love with it. You may ask, "Doesn't having your parents reading your fanfiction make things awkward sometimes?" and in answer I will point you to the number of real sex scenes in my published fanworks, which is zero. And then I will nod enthusiastically. But my dad, especially, loved this story and decided that he ought to be in it. And that he ought to be the Chief Justice. My dad is a retired judge, so he felt this should not be too much of a stretch for him, career-wise. I tried to explain the concept of self-insert to him, but then caved and created a thinly-veiled expy of him to be Chief Justice, then gave him a little ceremony in-story and a few extra mentions here and there. I gave him that chapter as a Christmas present, and he was happy! For awhile. Then he decided that he ought to be the President. I tried to explain to him that this is not how governmenting works, which he of course already knew, but he was firm. His Chief Justice character was great, and he ought to be President. He is nothing if not persistent, and also nothing if not hard to buy gifts for, so for Christmas the next year, I presented him with Chapter 28: The Surprise Noncanonical Epilogue, which has never before been published to the internet. It is very silly. 

This has gotten very long and I still need to write today's Quarantine Journal, so I guess I'll wrap it up there. If you have any specific questions about the story or any other stories, feel free to toss them my way! 

[vaguely-concerned]

Mass Effect: Annihilation thoughts

TL;DR I fucking LOVED IT, a balm to my heart after struggling through Nexus Uprising! Also canonical lesbians! The sweetest quarian & his badass grandma! Elcor Hamlet except this time it’ll make you cry!!! 

- Aaaaaah the audiobook reader is Tom Taylorson (so male Ryder)!! Fryda Wolf (female Ryder) read the two others and did a nice job, but man I’m soft for his voice in a way only rivaled by (...outside-of-Overwatch!)Jennifer Hale and Nicholas Boulton haha. He also has a much better handle on the pronunciations and voices for the different alien species -- delightful, I’m still cackling over his pitch perfect elcor impersonation. (Bioware please give him more Scott Ryder to voice I miss my son)

- I’m only about half an hour in and this is already SO much better than Nexus Uprising, it really does feel like a brave new galaxy haha. Very funny, very warm and smart and engaging in how it does its characterization and Valente clearly has affection for the setting and the universe, she and Jemisin both do incredible jobs with these. 

- I’m fucking crying laughing at this cross-species near-brawl over a flower arrangement, god I love Mass Effect SO MUCH (what a neat idea though. something blooming quietly even when no one can see it. impractical as hell and hilariously including a high-nutrition celery now, but still neat)

Taylorson continues to wonderful things with the voices, that volus suit sound is so good. (he’s just generally really good at comedy) also a volus bellowing insults ‘moments before punching an anti-bouquet batarian in the groin’ sdafhjklsahfsjadkhfklajshdfkjlsadhf

- a high as a kite elcor... what a time to be alive, to get to read this book

I have already reached the ‘I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS BAR’ stage with these characters, hard boiled drell detective lady and sweet sweet quarian first officer and manically enthusiastic elcor doctor TOT I would die for any one of you!!!

- The quarian/multispecies ark was built for long-term habitation, potentially over multiple generations. So what you’re telling me is that the quarians are the only ones who fucking thought this through and the rest of the Initiative probably should have listened to the people who’ve essentially been living on arks for ages. Who’d’ve thunk huh lol. (I guess the in-universe explanation is that people like the mysterious benefactor just wanted those arks yeeted to Andromeda ASAP, no time to get fancy in case the Reapers changed up their schedule. Fair enough)

- ;n; petition to let senna have a SAM pls (also uh. how happy do you think the stringently anti-AI quarian pathfinder will be when he finds out about everyone else’s SAMs lol lol lol he’s going to PASS OUT FROM RAGE upon meeting ryder. well he sounds like an asshole, I hope he dies so senna gets a chance)  

- I can’t BELIEVE yorrik is an anti-stratfordianist, i am betRAYED! disgraceful, how can I still love you knowing this (and yet I do he is extremely funny and sweet)!!! (at least his theory is that this so-called ‘shakespeare’ was actually an elcor, which makes it better somehow lol. anything so long as he’s not an oxfordian tbh)

senna and yorrik’s friendship is so good and wholesome 

- I really love the consistent alien POVs in this book, mass effect should indulge in this more -- everyone loves this universe so much, bioware, stop making us squint through a human lense to look at it!!  

- oh of course quarian ‘pirates’ exist, the people who’re thrown out of the fleet must be doing something huh. 

- haven’t written that many notes in a while just because I’m enjoying myself so much, I keep forgetting 

- lfsdkhfsajkldhfskadjhfsjakdfhsdkjfh communist volus!!!! this is not a drill, communist volus! I am completely and utterly charmed by this entire book

- the quarian ancestor VI is so interesting and weirdly touching. senna is adorable (and relatably neurotic lol)

grandma AI smoking T___________T I love everything about this, she’s so cool. the worldbuilding being done around pre-geth revolution rannoch here... exquisite 

- way to make me cry about batarians cat valente ;_______;

- the voice acting is SO FUCKING GOOD! I keep forgetting it’s one dude reading all these characters haha, I caught myself wanting to look up who voiced this dying batarian. (special shoutout that he does so many wonderfully distinct and specific female voices!) 

- haHA I KNEW the quarian VI was a full AI (or near enough that it makes little difference tbh)!!! this fabulous grandma was self aware the entire time b i t c h e s !!!!

- the running joke of borbala’s ‘you need ______? I can make _______ happen’ is SO satisfying hahaha

ooooooh serious femslash vibes!!!! initially I thought batarian ex-crime matriarch was too old for drell PI, but this is undeniable. (I don’t think we actually ever get to know how old annex is, anyway, come to think of it) I guess if asari get to be five times older than everyone else and still fuck freely this isn’t really that weird lol

- “don’t look! it’s not so bad if you don’t look!” ofhsdalfhskldlsfjas oh senna baby boy 

hey qetsi? qetsi both senna and I love grandma liat more than you. stand the fuck down 

- NOOOO GRANDMA LIAT ;______________________________________;

- do you think SAM could meet liat (either ship!liat or just grandma!liat).... and have... a friend ;_________; (a cool laidback friend who isn’t a murderous angaran ai who might very well go the murder suicide sort of friendship route lol) 

anyway I miss SAM a lot and love him??

- yorrik noooooooooooo this is awful everything is bad and terrible I love all of them so much why must senna be sad and watch everything he loves fade away 😭😭😭

“Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood/Clean from my hand?” He realized he’d forgotten to preface the words with an emotion. Now they wouldn’t understand what he meant.

Oh. Oh what a way to drive home the sadness and loneliness of this moment f u c k  (and again the emotion taylorson brings to it jesus cHRIST) 

I’m destroyed over how much senna and yorrik love each other, cross species found family out here wrecking my heart in true mass effect style 

- yorrik is such a great character though. he’d be so easy to make a one-note joke character (like most elcor have been in canon lbr), but there’s nuance and depth and just enough satsifyingly believable alienness there. (I love the staunch elcor ‘you can’t call anything love that hasn’t lasted at least two centuries’ perspective haha) his memories of his childhood and disappointment with his profession and everything... goodnight sweet prince indeed :(

- they went and made elcor hamlet heartbreaking how dare they 

(to be real for a second I think some of the human culture references are a little bit clunky, but the elcor hamlet stuff is perfect. contextualizing a throwaway joke from the original trilogy and giving it emotional depth, helping us see it from the elcor perspective and how frustrating and lonely it is to be so fundamentally not emotionally understood or seen on a level most of the other races are, despite their other differences, even though you have all these feelings and want to communicate... its very good.)   

fun additional fact: both mordin and yorrik have played/wanted to play polonius in a production of hamlet! though I guess mordin is the slightly problematic fave in that duo and yorrik is a sweet melancholic angel who has never done anything wrong in his life, I would say protect him but I guess it’s too late for that D:  

- qetsi giving off some real ophelia vibes here, I wish yorrik was here to see it, he’s the only one who’d properly appreciate it despite it all

- I. am. SO FUCKING HUNGRY for more mass effect after this (well even more so than usual) I’m so hyped!! I love this universe so much! I want a new andromeda game with senna as quarian pathfinder and grandma liat as the ship’s AI and see how they interact with ryder and SAM! (honestly though I feel like senna might be the one who’d translate the most cleanly into a game, I think there’s a lot of potential in him that’s barely being realized towards the end there with his deep righteous rage cutting through his uncertainty. also I just want nice things for him. is that so much to ask. he is a good boy, yorrik was so right.)

- aaaah not just femslash vibes, canonical lesbians, this is not a drill! I can’t wait until they propose... ‘we get shit done together, want to be in good cop/bad cop with me until the day we die y/n?’  

- the ME universe doesn’t feel quite itself without all these ‘background’ species hanging around, I suddenly realize. I dream of an Andromeda sequel with all of them on the board and in play again Y-------Y 

- potential Liat and SAM dynamics are so fucking interesting though! if she becomes/is confirmed as a full AI (all I hope and dream of), you’ll have two artificial intelligences with such different starting points but not that dissimilar goals? Liat was an organic person once who’s looking out for her family even now, and SAM is completely artificial but also intimately tied to and protecting His People. (and pulling a whole lot of symbolic weight re: the strength of familial/interpersonal relationships to boot; he’s the best way alec ryder managed to connect with his children. even though he was dead. because as established alec ryder was a disaster of a person)  

- I enjoyed the loose murder mystery structure of this quite a lot, but that might also be because nexus uprising is so shapeless and meandering by comparison that I’d be relieved by anything else (sorry I’ll stop ragging on NU soon it just. took some hours of my life I can’t get back)  

- jemisin did great stuff for characters already in andromeda (cora, SAM, alec ryder) and valente made me remember just why I love this universe so much and desperately want these aspects brought to andromeda too... and now I’ve exhausted all the fresh mass effect content I had available to me and will sit here consumed with lust for the rest of the time it takes for a new game to be announced thank you and goodbye  

[citylightsbooks]

5 Questions with Megan Fernandes, Author of Good Boys

Megan Fernandes is a writer and academic living in New York City. She is the author of The Kingdom and After (Tightrope Books 2015) and the new book of poems, Good Boys (published by Tin House). Her work has been published or is forthcoming in the New Yorker, Tin House, Ploughshares, Denver Quarterly, Chicago Review, Boston Review, Rattle, Pank, the Common, Guernica, the Academy of American Poets, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency, among others. She is a poetry reader for The Rumpus and an Assistant Professor of English at Lafayette College. She holds a PhD in English from the University of California, Santa Barbara and an MFA in poetry from Boston University. She reads from her new book Good Boys with special guests at City Lights Bookstore on Tuesday, February 25th.

***

City Lights: If you’ve been to City Lights before, what’s your memory of the visit? If you haven’t been here before, what are you expecting?

Megan Fernandes: Of all the places I’m reading this Spring (and it’s probably not politic to say this), I am most excited to read at City Lights. I’ve never been, but I understood at a very young age that the bookstore symbolized possibility, spontaneity, digression, lostness, community, etc. As a teenager, I read a lot of Beat literature, my favorites being Dharma Bums, In the Night Café, and everything Ginsberg. I was compelled by their portraits of America’s expansiveness. And I also just think as an immigrant kid not born in the USA, the Beats gave me some sense of American geography. I went to Colorado for the first time last year and I had this memory of my first impression of Colorado as a place described in On the Road. When traveling across the country, I often have Ferlinghetti’s feverish, twitchy, carnivalesque poetics in my head. I also think in this indirect way, Beat literature shaped some of my thoughts around feminist thinking as I was conscious of my orientation as outside certain privileges of the “male, womanizing adventurer” often romanticized in Beat lit. I had to interrogate what it meant to feel intimacies with Ginsberg and Duncan who were destabilizing masculinities and cultural logics of hate. 

And so what I learned from City Lights and Beat lit is really something about the relationship between myth-making and counter-culture communities. I’m understanding the truly expansive network of the movement in so much more detail right now while reading an advanced copy of a fabulous new book called The Beats: A Literary History by Steven Belletto. 

What are you reading right now?

I’m reading a book called Dapper Dan: Made in Harlem, co-written by Dapper Dan himself and my good friend, Mikael Awake. It’s a history of Dapper Dan’s iconic work in fashion, of course, while being really intimate. And it’s just as much a history of his family’s internal dynamics and, through his family, New York City at large. In particular, 1970’s NYC is so vividly, brilliantly wrought in this book.

There’s this one section where Dap is at Iona College at a lecture on protohistory and the professor, a Czech immigrant, tells the class that “In order for man to have survived during those ancient times… he must have had powers that he doesn’t have now. The only people that could possibly still have these powers today are the black and brown people on the planet” and when Dap hears this, he is transfixed. He says: “This is one of the most esteemed scholars at Iona College telling a packed lecture hall that black and brown people were the only ones on the planet who still had spiritual powers. How come this was my first time hearing about that? I looked around. I was the only black student in the class. I wasn’t tired anymore. He had my full attention… I said to myself, This is what I need to know. This is how I need to formulate myself.” I’m loving how the book captures these intense moments of transformation. I love that word choice: formulate. What poetic agency is modeled in that word? I needed that word the moment I read it. 

Recently, I’ve also read Samiya Bashir’s Field Theories and Edgar Kunz’s Tap Out. Samiya wrote this legitimately weird and imaginative book that feels like it’s made out of the time-space continuum. Some cosmic materiality is really showing up in that book. I remember this line: “A body. A zoo. A lovely savannah. Walls of clear, clean glass” and I’m just on a ride with the musicality of her shifting assonance. Plus, I know that writers like June Jordan and Toni Cade Bambara are operating influences/specters of the book and you can feel that energy. Edgar’s book is more narrative and quieter, but so devastating. I sort of get what makes his speakers tenderize if that makes sense. I think it’s the same phenomena that tenderizes me, too.

Some of my favorite novels of recent years includes A Questionable Shape by Bennett Sims, The Small Backs of Children by Lidia Yuknavitch, Sonora by Hannah Lillith Assadi, and very recently, The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead.

What book or writer do you always find yourself recommending?

I think Jean Toomer’s Cane is the most beautiful book of the 20th century. I remember just being blown away by its call and response, the repeating imagery of sun and smoke and pines. That book is so stunning. Other astounding work that I always recommend includes Mebvh McGuckian’s Captain Lavender, Anne Carson’s The Autobiography of Red, Evie Shockley’s The New Black, Franz Wright’s Walking to Martha’s Vineyard, Eleni Sikelianos’ Body Clock, Jorie Graham’s The Errancy, Bhanu Kapil’s The Vertical Interrogation of Strangers, The Collected Poems of W.B. Yeats, and Galway Kinnell and Hannah Liebmann’s translations of Rilke. Those are my hard-hitters. Those books are why I became a poet. 

What writers/artists/people do you find the most influential to the writing of this book and/or your writing in general?

You know, I collected poems while I was writing and editing this book. And I think those specific poems created a kind of constellation around me, almost protective, that kept me writing. Some of those poems include “The Long Recovery” by Ellen Bass, “A Matter of Balance,” by Evie Shockley, “What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why” by Edna St. Vincent Millay, “I am Not Seaworthy” by Toni Morrison, “Becoming Regardless” by Jack Spicer, “A New Bride Almost Visible in Latin” by Jack Gilbert, “To the Young Who Want to Die” by Gwendolyn Brooks and many, many others. Definitely O’Hara as well. He never leaves me. The most important poem of that little self-curated archive is Frank Bidart’s “Visions at 74” where he writes: “To love existence / is to love what is indifferent to you.” I remember reading that line and just losing it. I have been guided by so much of Bidart. And maybe my book is a little bit about how to sustain rage in the face of that which is indifferent to you, what cannot love you (both personally and abstractly). How do you sustain rage so as to not fall into despair?

I also listened to a variety of music while writing and editing. A mix between contemporary sad kid hip-hop, old school jazz and blues, gospel, 80’s bands, pop culture queens, 1970’s hypnotic modal vamp, classical Spanish guitar, electronic pop, really pretty varied. A few names that come to mind: KOTA the Friend, NoName, Vince Staples, Travis Scott, Miles Davis Quintet, Bessie Smith, Sam Cooke, The Knocks, Solange, Archie Shepp, Pharoah Sanders, Alice Coltrane, Big Mama Thornton, Miriam Makeba, Kamasi Washington, Thompson Twins, Misfits, Bowie, Talking Heads, Tears for Fears, Cher, Whitney Houston, Portishead, Goldfrapp, Memphis Slim, Dinah Washington, Alberto Iglesias, Gustavo Santaolalla, Holychild, Blood Orange, etc.

If you opened a bookstore, where would it be located, what would it be called, and what would your bestseller be?

My grandpa played violin on a ship that sailed between Tanga, Tanzania and Goa, India. I never had the chance to meet him. He died when my dad was sixteen, but I always thought about what that journey might have looked and felt like, its many hardships, but also the wonder of gazing out at the sea playing strings. For that reason, I’d love to open a bookstore that focused specifically on Indian Ocean diaspora and sold books exclusively by authors working, uncovering, or investigating the literature of that oceanic rim. I think there is something rich in thinking about books not necessarily focused on nation-statehood but thinking more about a kind of social-imaginary with a literature that is messy in its conceptualization and crosses, migrates, misses, and mythologizes across many cultures over generations. You could have sections on food, underwater exploration, piracy, long-distance intimacy, trade routes, empire, transnational feminism. I like the idea of a bookstore that is anti-genre and instead, organized by associative thinking and imagination. It would be a logistical nightmare. You would never find what you were looking for, but you might find something you didn’t know existed.

So yes, I’d vote for a little homegrown network of bookstores in India, East Africa, and actually, maybe one of them in Lisbon which is a city that has a long (and problematic) history with the Indian Ocean. I’ve spent a lot of time in Lisbon the past eight years of my life, spending time visiting family and researching the history of the Portuguese empire especially as it relates to my family history (my folks are third generation East African Portuguese colonized Indians). I have a lot of conflicting homelands which is a way of saying that there are times when I feel like I have nothing but a rootless present. That’s something I investigate in my work, that weird (a)temporality. And I’m drawn to the particular light of Lisbon which is quite unusual. I’d call the bookstore “Malaika” which means “Angel” in Swahili and is the favorite folk song of my parents who grew up in Tanzania. I like the idea of a bookstore in Lisbon with the name in Swahili run by a Goan-Canadian-American woman. That’s the world I grew up in… one of multiplicities. 

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Raising Hell (15x02)

I swear, every time I see Buckleming's names attached to an episode of Supernatural, I try to keep an open mind. I try to believe that they'll pull out a decent episode, which on occasion, they have managed to do. But this one... Gosh. I don't even know where to start.

Cons:

So crowded! Always with the so, so crowded! There are so many things going on in this one episode that it's like I can't even catch my breath. And I do not mean that in a good way. We've got Rowena, we've got Kevin, we've got Ketch, Amara... all of these reappearances should have been really fun to see, but instead they are all so jumbled up and very few of the moments actually have the impact they should.

A main example of this is Kevin. What a lackluster return for such a beloved character! He's there, the boys are glad to see him, he depressingly leaves because apparently he can't get into Heaven since he's been in Hell this whole time. So that's... sad, and pointless. We find out in this episode that all this time, when we thought Kevin was at peace in Heaven, he's actually been in Hell because... Chuck is a dick, I guess? There's no explanation given for why God put Kevin in Hell. And now he's here, he's used as bait, and he decides to leave and wander the earth as a ghost because it's better than going back to Hell. Why would you bring back a fan favorite just to make his ending much sadder?

Also, Ketch and Rowena's sexual tension thing was so uncomfortable. This is part of another big problem I have with Buckleming episodes. Their dialogue is just bad. Not always, not every line, but there are enough awkward, stilted moments to make me cringe. All of the stuff with Rowena and Ketch was like that. There were clumsy exposition moments, and things that should have felt fraught and emotional, like the boys' reunion with Kevin, fell extremely flat. There are exceptions to this, and I'll talk about them in a moment, but for the most part even the stuff in this episode that would have worked, came across as much less than it should have.

And that's just an overall issue with this episode and others like it. So much happens, and as individual pieces, there's a great deal of potential here. But when it's all crammed together, it can't make a whole as strong as its parts.

Pros:

There are exceptions to what I've been saying above. Basically, the only things I can praise about this episode are little snippets, moments in the chaos that cut through the overcrowded and yet still lackluster totality.

Let's start with Chuck and Amara. I love that we're seeing a more human-ish side to Amara, which makes sense if she's been spending time in the human world, playing craps and getting massages in Reno. Chuck is hanging around because he's not at full strength, and Amara, when she realizes that he just needs her because he's hurt, decides to ditch him. It was cool to see her being a bad-ass who isn't about to stick around and take care of little bro. Chuck as a villain works so well, because we can now see every benevolent action he's ever taken over the years as just part of his game. He liked the Winchesters because they were interesting, because they did what he wanted and kept him entertained. Now, for the first time, he's in a weakened position and he truly doesn't have control. It seems clear he wants to write this world off and move on, but he's not at full strength, and Amara is his only hope. I'd love to see more of her, as she might be the solution to the need for an all-powerful being to help our heroes in their fight against God.

We see a brief moment where Sam and Chuck appear to still be linked through their injury. This is leading me to the natural (and devastating) conclusion that Sam will need to die in order to defeat Chuck, the ultimate Big Bad. We'll see if Supernatural decides to go the tragedy route. I really hope they don't, but in any case, I'm up for the angst along the way. We see that Dean is still tracking Sam's injury, and Sam is trying to brush it off as no big deal. Oh, this is going to hurt so good.

While I have many, many problems with the way Rowena was written in this episode, I continue to find the interplay between her and the Winchesters fascinating. These actors do a masterful job of conveying the complexity of their friendship in small moments, even when the script itself does not substantiate the relationship much. Dean and Rowena share a look of understanding and respect as the episode ends. Sam and Dean both seem genuinely grateful to see her, and it's telling in and of itself that she showed up to assist. Her ally-ship with the Winchesters is in some ways a lot more interesting than Crowley's relationship with them was in the later years. She's not still pretending to be their enemy, and yet of course she's not just their buddy with no complicating factors involved.

The same can actually be said for Ketch. So much about the British Men of Letters plot line was botched a few seasons back, but Ketch came out of it as a somewhat interesting relic. I like that he and Dean have this weird yet natural-seeming camaraderie. Dean was willing to shoot him when he was possessed, and Ketch doesn't seem to have hard feelings about that at all. They're just... like that. I could do without the Ketch/Rowena thing, but I wouldn't mind seeing Ketch around once or twice more this season (although, let's be real, it would have been kind of hilarious if Dean had actually killed him).

I'm disappointed in how little we got of Kevin, but it was still lovely to see Osric Chau. It's so cute to think of him having like... street cred in Hell because God himself sent him there. And as sad as his fate is, maybe there's a way to spin it in future episodes? Even if it's just a cameo, they could give Kevin a happier ultimate fate, depending on how this whole show winds up.

I've saved the Destiel of it all for last. See, when you get episodes like this, that are frantically paced and full of characters and action and plot, the moments that work the best are always the ones that slow down and take a beat, allow for the characters to shine and relationship dynamics to be explored. So here, we have Cas' only real scene in the episode - he's mostly just a background character, except for this one key moment, and it's one of the episode's only truly quality scenes. Not just for the fact that it involves Dean and Cas staring at each other while soft music plays in the background, and they have an angst-y talk about their relationship. I mean, all of that was great and my soul ascended instantly to heaven or whatever. But what's really great about this scene is the way it's solidifying the arc of the season, specifically the motivations and feelings of Dean Winchester, our protagonist. He said much the same thing to Sam last week, and here he's reiterating it to Cas - what is the point of anything? Was anything they've ever done real? If Chuck was pulling the strings all along? I think it's going to be particularly difficult for Dean to get out of that mindset, and it doesn't help that he's still angry with Cas. For Jack, for Mary. And he's still angry at the world for screwing him over. Again.

So yeah. For obvious reasons, I freakin' loved that scene, and I can't wait to see more of Cas and Dean's relationship angst for the rest of the season. I'm not quite naive enough to expect a romantic confirmation, but I do hope that their bond gets a focus in this final season. And while this episode wasn't exactly a winner in my books, there were plenty of little moments within it that make me excited about what comes next. And that promo... oh gosh. If Sam has to kill Rowena I'm going to cry so many tears.

7/10