#started with severe autism burnout

[casual-eumetazoa]

hi does anyone have ideas for ways to occupy your brain so that it doesn't blast intrusive thoughts 24/7. activities need to also be not super brain heavy and able to be done in bed if needed. for now I'm playing a lot of mobile games and watching a lot of youtube but it's getting repetitive and starting to lose the effect. thank in advance

[queer-omens-in-the-archives]

I hope your week gets better 🫂

thank TwT

[vi-visected]

my therapist: how are you feeling in the wake of your (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis?

me: well it makes sense doesn’t it? i was the one who requested testing. like on some level i kind of figured.

my therapist: yes, i’m personally glad we pursued it because it helps me better understand parts of your behavior and how to accommodate you. but how do you feel about it? you said before that you were in heavy denial about the possibility when you were younger.

me: well yeah, i had a preconceived idea of what autism was that i know now wasn’t true. but at the time it was distressing and i didn’t want to think about it too hard.

my therapist: how was it different then? what was your idea of autism then?

me: it was, you know, severe developmental delay. i never thought i had developed abnormally at all, so to try and match up the severity i associated with autism and the way i viewed myself, i just couldn’t.

my therapist: but you did.

me: sorry?

my therapist: you did develop abnormally. both socially and academically.

me: socially yes, but i had no problems with academics. i always especially excelled at reading comprehension, more so than anyone else in my grade. i started lagging in high school but i think that was a lot of burnout and depression and ptsd, probably. i was incredibly smart. hell, i spoke in full sentences earlier than most of my peers.

my therapist: violette, that’s still abnormal development.

me: …huh?

my therapist: developing abnormally fast is still developing abnormally.

me:

me: oh.

[aurae-rori]

Wanna ask if you have any headcannons for aventio modern au

( cause I am obsessed with modern aus)

hellyeah brother i'm here to serve the masses

hcs about ratio:

still a doctor still has 8 phds

knows about student debt and hates it with a burning passion

has a duck keychain that he puts on his keychain with all of his keys like the keys to his house

once crushed a soda can in his hands during his student years bcs he was that fucking mad about the homework questions not being stated in a clear manner (he just like me fr)

has several duck plushies in his bed and theyre all named after either greek philosophers or roman politicians

can speak latin fluently and mutters curse words and creative expressions in latin during the classes that he teaches because he is that pissed off

used to be a full time doctor, but decided to turn to teaching instead after some time

hyper-empathy due to childhood neglect (he just like me fr)

eyebags that he covers up with makeup, he still has those from his student years and cant fucking get them to leave no matter how many hours he sleeps for

enjoys occasionally a rum & coke

really likes lattes and london fogs

had a british accent once because he travelled to the uk and picked up on it, when he came back he was mortified

fucking loves ducks so much he has a camera roll dedicated to duck photos

he got to pet a duck once he was happy for the rest of the week thats how much he loves them

massive nerd & dork

undiagnosed autism with a side of gifted child trauma

really likes jazz and lofi it calms him down fast and makes him happy

wrings his hands when he's really happy

touch starved

makes really good soup

hopeless romantic

more mentally unstable than you think he is. he is actually suffering from burnout but doesnt want to let people around him down.

doing his best. sometimes on the weekends he just nestles into a cocoon of blankets and refuses to leave. texture....

cannot not wear socks he will die without them

cat magnet for some reason??? all neighbourhood cats are at his doorstep even when he and aven already have three. ig hes just cat dad now

aventurine hcs:

still has those glasses, his eyes are more sensitive to light too

really fucking likes fluffy stuff he loves the fluffy he loves the fluffy he-

big fan of sheep and peacocks

eternally terrified that ratio secretly hates him even when they start dating

bpd & adhd & probably autism (ALL BPD HAVERS FUCKING WIN WITH THIS ONE!!!!! I SEE YALL)

masks so often its insane

used to smoke and drink heavily, but has started to lay off ever since he met ratio

still an adrenaline junkie and still has his stupidly good good luck

really likes coffee too, coffee addict, has horrible eyebags, a shitty sleep schedule, and overworks himself half to death

cant fucking cook what the hell is a kitchen

very fond of stelle/caelus and sees them as his surrogate younger siblings. stelle taught him how to play video games and now he plays with them whenever his thoughts get really bitchy to him

horrible at relying on other people but is slowly unlearning that

can do a backflip (why? idk)

high pain tolerance

has a collection of sheep plushies that his friends bought for him

numby and him get along really well. he and topaz still have that sibling esque relationship.

i think he still works for the ipc in this au but its not as bad as it is in canon

starved of touch and does not really know what a healthy relationship is before ratio comes along

loves blankets he has like ten blankets on his bed at once idk why

once poured monster energy into coffee and then drank it. he suffered the consequences. even good luck can't save you from that

listens to generic pop (lie. he actually loves indie guitar)

MENTAL ILLNESS REP IN THIS MAN

accidentally big brothered some kids. help how does he deal with affection

buys stuff for stelle and caelus too. he buys them sheep plushies. they will defend said sheep plushies with their lives. they buy him racoon plushie in return. he does not cry.

his fingers shake so bad sometimes (PTSD goes hard)

motor skills can and will die on him occasionally

unhealthy coping mechanisms but hes getting better guys

he does relapse occasionally but hes putting in effort. finally got his ass to therapy thanks to ratio :)

second cat dad. he loves his cat children he will die for his cat children.

the cats like laying next to him as he eeps if ratio isnt there. they purr and help him with his nightmares.

(ily people w bpd you deserve this rep!!! enjoy :3)

them together hcs!!!!

ratio already had background information on bpd due to his psych degree beforehand but did more researching into it when he realized that aven had bpd because he wanted to support his partner as much as he could :)

ratio is big on physical touch but aven needed some time to get used to it and he was very big on it

aven really likes spoiling the absolute shit out of ratio and likes getting him gifts because sometimes he doesn't know how to word how much he appreciates ratio

aven likes to wash ratios hair for him and visa versa, non sexual intimacy always fucking wins

ratio still worries about aven and doesn't like him gambling all the time, aven makes an active effort to better himself for him even if it's really hard

at the start it was really fucking shitty between the two of them but eventually aven started to learn how to properly and safely communicate with ratio and ratio learned how to phrase his thoughts in a way that wouldn't trigger something, and although they both make mistakes they are doing their best for one another and generally have a good impact on one another's stages of healing (im not projecting im not projecting i-)

aven will hold ratio in his arms and tell him that he's good enough when the thoughts get really bad

they love cuddling, who's big spoon and small spoon switches regularly because they both like being held and holding the other

aven will stop by ratio after his classes and take him home when hes too tired

ratio shuts down sometimes and aven messes with his hair and just stays with him until he reboots

they kiss <33333333333

they cuddle so much they hold one another going to bed

ratio likes giving aven little headkisses and peppers his face with them

they are gay and in love and healthy actually

they were never toxic yaoi never will they be. they are healthy.

they get married <333

this is so much more than what you asked for probably but here you go.

[blacknedsoul-blog]

A detailed explanation from my headcanon that Annabel has ADHD

So I had this six fucking hour trip. On a bus. Alone. And I was bored out of my mind, because sitting around being bored is as close to mental torture as it gets for me.

Fortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel: I was inspired. Away from the burnout I have with fanfics, I remembered that I've mentioned this headcanon several times on Nevermore's Discord and just thought, what better time to talk about ADHD than when I'm having a pretty ADHD moment?

But before I start, there are a few little things that need to be pretty clear on the table:

I'm being a bit hypocritical here: in general, I'm deeply against diagnosing fictional characters for two reasons: first, it's an impossible task to distinguish between character traits and symptoms to such an extent that you can go around forever without coming to a real conclusion unless the author of the work confirms it, and second, even if you have the disorder you're talking about, you can fall into the trap of perpetuating stereotypes or generalizing, thereby invalidating other experiences. So even if the tone of this review sounds very assertive, it is because of my writing style. I am in no way diagnosing Annabel; this is an analysis of her character through the lens of a possible disorder.

In relation to the above, where I point out an event in the comic that can be read as a symptom, I am not reducing it to "this only happens because she has ADHD". You CAN'T reduce a person's personality to "they has a disorder," and when I point out these examples, I'm not doing so with the intention of denying the background behind it, but rather pointing out how, under the magnifying glass of having it, it might exacerbate that behavior.

I am NOT a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a neurologist: I am a woman with ADHD. One who has done a lot of research on the subject, been in therapy with a psychologist who specializes in the disorder, and talked extensively about it both with friends who also have it and with professionals. But I don't have a career in mental health, I don't pretend to, and everything you'll read below is a mixture of research and personal experience.

You're going to see a lot of "we" or "those of us with ADHD" because, as I said, I have it too, but this is all a generalization made for the sake of flow. The symptoms of this disorder can be expressed in many different ways, and not everyone has all of them (for example, there are some that I don't have, but it would be strange to change the voice of the text just because of that, it makes it harder to read). If you have ADHD and read a symptom and think "hey, I don't get that", that's perfectly normal. Your experience is valid and I don't want to pass it on. But it would be exhausting for me and for the reader to use tentative phrases all the time.

If this text resonates too much with you, I strongly recommend that you see a professional, if you're able, and not self-diagnose: ADHD has many symptoms in common with autism and other neuro divergences, don't risk misdiagnosis.

If you have a different opinion than mine on this subject and want to share it with me, I'll be happy to read it, if I don't answer it's because I forgot (forgive me?). But you can be sure that I will read it.

Anyway, let's get started.

What is ADHD?

According to the NIH (National Institute of Mental Health) website, this is the definition of ADHD:

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. People with ADHD experience an ongoing pattern of the following types of symptoms:

Inattention means a person may have difficulty staying on task, sustaining focus, and staying organized, and these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension.

Hyperactivity means a person may seem to move about constantly, including in situations when it is not appropriate, or excessively fidgets, taps, or talks. In adults, hyperactivity may mean extreme restlessness or talking too much.

Impulsivity means a person may act without thinking or have difficulty with self-control. Impulsivity could also include a desire for immediate rewards or the inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may interrupt others or make important decisions without considering long-term consequences.

Here is an impression that needs to be clarified: ADHD is more about an inability to regulate attention than a lack of it. A neurotypical person may choose to focus on a task to get it done, we may procrastinate to death because even if we want to, we can't focus on it, or stand there absorbed in it ad infinitum until the house falls down around us (and we may still have trouble noticing). This is understood, Understanding all this, here is the list of Annabel's behaviors that could be interpreted as symptoms.

Hyperactivity

One thing that not everyone knows is that hyperactivity is not about running around like an uncontrolled animal. It can manifest itself in many ways, and there are many types: physical, mental, and even emotional.

In Annabel's case, she seems to be the first two types.

Perhaps due to her difficulty in expressing emotions, it is quite obvious at this point in the comic that her moods are made explicit through gestures: playing with her rings when she is happy or nervous, touching the ribbon around her neck in moments of anxiety, or playing with her hair almost as a default state.

Annabel.

Doesn't.

Sit.

Still.

Never.

It is also clear that Annabel is always planning something. Always.

This can be read into the logic of mental hyperactivity: when you have it, your brain just doesn't stop. Ever. And that's something that resonates with this lady.

Emotional Dysregulation

The part of the brain that regulates our moods works…erratically. Not to say it doesn't work at all.

This leads to a painfully common problem in women with ADHD: lack of emotional regulation is seen as drama, and instead of being taught tools to deal with it, we are taught to repress and bottle up emotions.

Annabel has highly internalized this as a defense mechanism. But here's the thing: if repressing emotions instead of learning how to deal with them in a healthy way is harmful, being biologically unable to regulate them can be even worse.

It touches the right nerves, and if you catch us flying low, it can cause explosive outbursts.

Possibly violent reactions to feeling offended or uncomfortable.

Or completely over-the-top reactions that we can't control.

And it's not just anger that's affected, it's the whole emotional spectrum. Another emotion that is very noticeable is fear. If we don't develop tools to help us calm down, we don't get scared, we panic.

If this happens too often, we can become prone to developing severe anxiety or frequent attacks.

We may also have great difficulty dealing with frustration. Our brains love rewards, and feeling that we're not getting them because of our own inability to do something can be downright annoying. And if we don't have the tools to express our frustration appropriately, we can have quite childish reactions, ranging from temper tantrums to…pouting.

I find it funny how several of these pouts are caused by Lenore, a bit like "Oh, come on, honey, what are we talking about?"

Another important thing to note here is that one of the most fucked up and notorious symptoms of this lack of emotional regulation is RSD, short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, defined as "a problem that interferes with your ability to regulate your emotional responses to feelings of failure and rejection. While rejection is almost always unpleasant, people with RSD experience overwhelming levels of emotional pain. This can lead to long-term mental health problems, fear of failure, and behavioral changes that negatively affect them throughout their lives."

Rejection and fear of failure are a problem for us. So much so that we may seek strategies to avoid it as much as possible, even when it causes us problems (such as not completing a task for fear of doing it wrong). This is an issue that can tear us apart emotionally.

Annabel is terrified of being rejected or despised. Her whole life has been built around appearances and getting the right people interested in her. If she can't do that, what good is she?

And that's something that comes up a lot in her relationship with Lenore. Repeatedly, in fact, but my favorite has to be this one:

Annabel thought it would be the smart thing to do to break that bond because she knows they're never going to see each other again. But the look on her face when Lenore calls her a "damn liar" is just painful to watch. I think ripping her heart out with a rusty spoon would have hurt less.

Finally, on the subject of things that aren't so funny: that thing Annabel does about biting her fingers when she's in a critical situation is something I used to do, too (only I'd bite my knuckles or palms).

My psychologist explained to me that when you feel like you're losing control, you immediately look for something to ground you, and unfortunately, physical pain is often a quick (if damaging) way to do that.

Codependency

Okay, here's a thing: it's not that we have a tendency as such to codependency, but this is a situation that can occur due to bad practices within a relationship. Especially a couple one.

As it stands out, people with ADHD can have a lot of problems with micromanaging ourselves, remembering things, dealing with our emotions, etc, etc, etc. And it is natural for close friends, family or our partner to help in those processes.

The problem arises when that help starts to become a parentification process where the partner who is providing support starts to do this on behalf of the other person, infantilizing them in the process.

This is a cocktail for resentment on both sides: the party calling the shots can easily feel that the other is putting a huge burden on their shoulders and not trying hard enough, while, on the other side, no one likes to feel like they are being treated like a child. Let alone that the person doing it is your partner.

But at the other end of resentment, there's codependency.

The constant feeling that you are a burden, insufficient or even disposable.

And that means you have a lot to make up for. On a regular basis. So much that you put yourself in a situation where you have to make horrible decisions so that someone else doesn't have to because somehow you owe it to them, who hasn't had that happen?

What I mean is that yes, Annabel feels like she owes this to Lenore because she only remembers the part where Lenore came kicking in doors to save her from a marriage she didn't want. And if she can't do this for her, she doesn't deserve a relationship.

Feeling inadequate, that your partner is doing you some kind of favor by tolerating you and ending up idealizing their in the process is obviously not unique to the neurodivergent experience.

But we try, we try really hard and, like anyone else, we like to feel that the effort we put in is seen and valued.

If we are not careful about that, we do indeed fall into the risk of becoming codependent. The desire to feel loved or valued becomes a constant hunger for validation from which it is difficult to escape because we are aware that our brain will never function in a different way. And if that is mixed with RSD, it can become an even bigger problem.

Novelty, games, challenges, and rewards

Producing dopamine on a normal basis is one thing our brains aren't very good at (one of the reasons we can be prone to depression, for example), but you know what they love? Challenges and rewards.

New things feed our endless curiosity, but for some reason unknown to me, our brains really love challenges and dares. They give us dopamine like we're on a high.

So much so that some people use it as a tactic to perform tasks they don't like: "How many dishes can I wash before my dinner is ready?", "If I can finish this in less than 30 minutes, I can go get chocolate."

One medium we may like very much for this reason is games. Board games, card games, or virtual games. It doesn't matter. Games provide a very good balance of challenge and reward.

If you see that Annabel seems overly interested in how this works, it's because there may be a part of her that thinks "aside from the deadly situation we're in…this is like the most hardcore escape room ever" and inevitably there's something here that stirs her bug.

It may be something she loves about Lenore. As a good hypocrite, Annabel despises the rules she knows so well, so when Lenore comes along with this gimmick and completely changes the paradigm of what she knows, there is inevitably something that appeals to her. Others who are good at the game look down on Lenore's disdain for the rules, to Annabel it is fucking appealing because it offers a range of unexplored possibilities that she fucking loves.

Erratic Communication

When our brains are running at full speed, communication can become a challenge, and we tend to exhibit erratic patterns.

One of these is info-dumping. Touch a topic we know about or are interested in and it's like stepping on a landmine: we explode talking about it. Non-stop. You'll have to hit us to shut us up.

Another thing is that we can have a bad habit of interrupting. A lot. It's not malicious, it's just that we're really into the conversation and want to participate as much as possible.

That said, even if we're extroverts, it can be a nightmare to withhold information or participate in a conversation if it doesn't grab our attention. It's not that we want to be disrespectful or anything, it's just that, again, we have no control over our ability to pay attention and we're swimming against the tide to hold on to whatever it is you're telling us.

This scene is something I've seen in friends with ADHD and have been told I do: stare at people while doing your best to do the hamster run to remember what they're telling you because you know it's important, even though your brain is putting it together with junk information because it's not engaging your attention in the right way.

Ignore the murderous stare part, it's not that common - at least I hope not.

Drinks that are like a pill

Our brains are not designed to produce certain hormones naturally or, in some cases, they produce them under other circumstances. For things like that, we can take pills, develop strategies to help our brains produce hormones.

And drink coffee. Lots of coffee.

Caffeine can be extremely relaxing for us because it can actually help our brains keep functioning, you know that stereotype of the highly coded ADHD character who drinks coffee like it's his life? Well, that's because.

You know what other beverage has a similar effect? Tea. Theine is also a natural activator, perhaps less aggressive than coffee, but it can have a similar effect.

If you're interested in describing this topic in fanfic or touching on it in fanart, tea should have a relaxing effect on Annabel and even help her concentrate.

Boredom

We get bored. A lot. And we get painfully bored. Here's what happens: boredom is caused by a lack of stimulation, and our brains aren't stimulated just because we can't regulate our attention to seek out that stimulation.

Add to that the fact that when we are bored, without dopamine hitting our receptors, our executive functions diminish and we function like shit.

Boredom

Is

Fucking

Murder

Because our brain starts desperately asking for dopamine and we can fall into really unhealthy behaviors like fighting, being chronically online, or eating because we can't find anything better to do. This also contributes -again- to our depression or anxiety.

Conclusions (and if I don't make the joke, I'll die)

In the book ADHD After Dark (a study of ADHD, relationships, and physical intimacy), Ari Tuckman draws some interesting conclusions, one of which is that on a statistical level, people with ADHD seem to be more likely to have what he calls "sexual eagerness": kinks, fetishes, a tendency to be adventurous in bed, and the like. Again, our brains love play, and both intimacy and flirtation can involve a lot of it.

So…

Um…

…well, I think Lenore will be happy. Good for her.

Anyway, this has been a seriously long explanation. Thanks for reading this far.

[not-poignant]

so earlier this year a psychologist i'd never met before gave me an autism assessment, diagnosed me with level 2 autism (talking at length about how the levels are mostly just useful for accessing government support) and then strongly advised me to access a national disability insurance scheme (known as NDIS) in australia.

she sent me a 20 page document, detailing all the ways i needed support, and i kind of sat back and cried a little, because something she said really stuck with me, which was basically: 'pia, you would always have been diagnosed with ASD at any age, you were never 'atypical' in presentation, people knew before you were verbal and then went out of their way to make sure you never had the chance to get diagnosed, in case it reflected poorly on them, due to their own stigma.'

it's true. my dad was diagnosed with autism and hid it from me. from all of us. he was the most strongly opposed to any behaviour in me that was not neurotypical, or his version of it, which frankly was still pretty fucking autistic. i lived with his abuse until he left us.

but i look back and think, i should've had an education assistant in school and at university. i should've had people around me helping me all along, if i wanted as much access to equality as most neurotypical people have. and now in early october, i'll be meeting with a support service and we'll start talking about the support staff i'll likely need for the rest of my life.

a lifetime of chronic illness and constant burnout (both from illness and from autistic burnout) was recontextualised. a lot of things about the way i live my life made sense.

but it's scary to have these sorts of meetings when you've spent your entire life being threatened with severe consequences if you behave certain ways, or ask for help.

i write the stories i write for rather obvious reasons, basically, and life has been unafraid of making 2024 a rather challenging year.

not just for me, i know, but for many of us.

i'm wishing you all some comfort and kindness, and hoping i can find a bit more myself, in the next few months.

shit's been hard lol

[tonysbed]

pages of horror | OP81

Oscar Piastri x autistic!reader

!AUTISTIC READER!

Summary: Oscar realised how burnt out you actually were..

warnings: burn out, stress, autism

mental health masterlist | main masterlist

Oscar Piastri was living his dream, racing on the global stage with the roar of engines and the thrill of the track fueling his every move. But alongside his meteoric rise, there was a quieter, equally remarkable story unfolding: that of his girlfriend, who was balancing the demands of university and the emotional rollercoaster of supporting Oscar’s racing career. She navigated her courses with determination and attended his races whenever possible, her dedication unwavering despite the toll it took on her.

For the most part, she managed to juggle it all. Early mornings spent in the library, afternoons filled with lectures, and weekends at the track. She found comfort in the routine, even as the demands increased. But as the semester wore on, the weight of it all began to bear down on her.

She was exhausted. Her mind, always so sharp, felt foggy. Simple tasks became monumental challenges. The sensory overload of the university, with its bustling crowds and endless noise, left her feeling raw and exposed. She was running on fumes, barely managing to keep up with her assignments and attend Oscar’s races.

Oscar noticed her growing fatigue but attributed it to the typical stresses of university life. "Everyone gets overwhelmed with school," he’d say, offering a reassuring smile. He’d seen other friends burn out, only to bounce back after a good night’s sleep or a weekend off. He figured she just needed a bit of rest.

But it wasn’t just school stress. It was everything. The constant pressure to excel academically, the sensory overload, the emotional strain of maintaining a long-distance relationship, and the physical exhaustion of travel. She was spiraling into a period of severe burnout, and Oscar’s well-intentioned but misguided reassurances did little to ease her burden.

One evening, after a particularly grueling day, she broke down. The tears came unbidden, a flood of frustration, exhaustion, and despair. Oscar found her sitting on the edge of their bed, head in her hands, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

"Hey, hey," he murmured, rushing to her side. "What's wrong?"

She tried to speak, but the words stuck in her throat. All the emotions she’d bottled up for so long were now threatening to overflow. Oscar wrapped his arms around her, holding her close as she cried. For the first time, he truly saw the depth of her struggle.

"I’m so sorry," she whispered through her tears. "I’m trying so hard, but it’s all too much."

Oscar felt a pang of guilt. He’d been so focused on his own career that he hadn’t realized how much she was sacrificing, how much she was struggling. He kissed her forehead gently. "You don’t have to do this alone," he said softly. "We’ll figure this out together."

The next day, Oscar helped her arrange a meeting with her academic advisor. She explained her situation, and together, they came up with a plan to lighten her course load and provide the support she needed. Oscar insisted on taking her to every appointment, standing by her side as she navigated the university’s bureaucracy.

At home, Oscar made sure she took the time to rest. He ran her baths, the warm water soothing her frayed nerves. They spent quiet evenings together, watching movies or simply sitting in comfortable silence. He took over cooking and cleaning, ensuring she had one less thing to worry about.

Gradually, she began to recover. The fog in her mind lifted, and the overwhelming fatigue started to ebb away. She was still navigating the challenges of university and supporting Oscar’s career, but now she had the support she needed.

Oscar learned to recognize the signs of her burnout and took steps to prevent it, whether that meant encouraging her to take a break or simply holding her hand and reminding her that she wasn’t alone. They became a team in the truest sense, each supporting the other in their dreams and struggles.

And as Oscar continued to race towards new victories, he knew that none of it would be possible without the love and strength of the woman by his side.

[baby--charchar]

Baby Vaggie and Autism!

Cw: description of a meltdown, based on my own experiences having them. Absolutely okay if anyone needs to skip this.

So it goes without saying that Vaggie is straight up autistic, not just autistic when she's regressed. However, Big Vaggie had been trained to SEVERELY mask as an exorcist, where there was no tolerance for burnout, sensory issues, or social fatigue. It probably crossed the lines into straight up abuse multiple times.

In Hell, she still tries to keep up that mask. Her urge to protect Charlie and her team leads her to giving herself no leeway to accommodate herself. I think that while she overall thrives with her newfound family, her constant masking is still tearing her apart. She likely had many shut-downs that others misinterpreted as her just being moody.

Learning to unmask probably began as it's own process apart from regression. But I feel that they likely converged after one major meltdown. Vaggie felt like a pressure cooker about to explode with everything going on, then something relatively small happened to break the camel's back so to speak. One minute she's silent on the couch in the lobby, filling out legal paperwork, then the next she's screaming her lungs out and flipping the table.

I imagine her meltdowns as rare but SEVERE. Lots of screaming, hyperventilating, pacing around the room, banging her head, and biting herself. Months and months of that pressure releasing in one instantaneous explosion.

Charlie would be so scared and wouldn't know what to do. She just wants to hold Vaggie, but every time she tries, Vaggie just panics more.

Lucifer doesn't REALLY have experience with this, but he has strong "papa bear" instincts for both of his girls. He lets Vaggie ride it out just until she's no longer being unsafe. After which he places his hands on her shoulders and gently guides her towards the elevator. He keeps repeating, "You're safe, you're okay. We're going to your room. We're gonna rest." She's still sobbing, but she starts to untense the more he assures her.

Once they're home, Vaggie is still overwhelmed but is doing better. She wants Charlie's touch and is squeezing her HARD, mustering up as much deep pressure as she can. Lucifer gets her some water in a sippy cup (sensing where Vaggie is headed) and it helps.

By the time she's recovered, she is VERY deep into baby space. Enough to where she's struggling to sit up and walk on her own. Lucifer gets her changed and into her favorite pajamas. It's not long before she slips into sleep.

Moving forward, Charlie and Lucifer try encouraging Vaggie to unmask: find stims she likes, rest more, whatever that means for her to make herself more comfortable. Big Vaggie is naturally resistant, always pushing herself to do more, to BE more for the hotel. But Baby Vaggie? You don't have to tell her twice.

Baby Vaggie feels safe with Charlie and Lucifer. She's finally relaxed enough to follow her own instincts, whether that be how she moves her body, how she gets her point across, or just how she entertains herself.

Vaggie is completely nonverbal, but finds other ways to communicate. She knows that if she screams long enough, someone will come pay attention to her. She really likes that system, so there is LOTS of screaming. They get good at recognizing what different screams mean, like "I want food," "I need to be changed," or just, "I want to spend time with someone."

Charlie makes her a small communication card and keeps it clipped to a lanyard that Vaggie can wear. It has all her favorite foods, toys, and people, for when she really needs to be specific.

She also keeps a large chewie on that lanyard. Without it, Vaggie's prone to putting nearly anything in her mouth, be it her clothes, blankets, crayons, whatever. All her shirts have tiny little holes from her gnawing.

Vaggie has lots of sensory needs. Some of them, like food and smells, she's very restrictive about. She has very few foods she'll eat in her headspace, and abhors any lotions or powders on her skin.

For other senses, she just can't get enough of them. As a former soldier who was VERY active, her body's used to heavy input to her muscular and balance systems (proprioception and vestibular). This honestly scared Lucifer at first because she would do some very unsafe things to soothe her body, like running into walls at full speed or climbing up on the kitchen counters. It took him a long time to realize what the hell she was doing, let alone how he could help her.

But once he got it, he got it. He set up so many "sensory stations" for her in both his room as well as Vaggie's. She's got trampolines, a crash pad, a swing attached to the ceiling, and a baby bouncer custom built for her. She can have SO much energy and often ends up running between all four of these when she's regressed.

It's important to note that she's on trampoline #4. Numbers 1-3 were just no match for her boundless energy.

Side note: that boundless energy may also come at night, as Vaggie has a hard time regulating her sleep. Lucifer is such a Bewildered Dad over her, but their late nights have made way for good bonding time. Vaggie honestly feels just as safe with Lucifer as she does Charlie. Her little family.

Vaggie can be very repetitive with what she enjoys, especially TV or music. She can play the same 3-second clip over and over again and bust out laughing every time.

Vaggie also loves COLORS. Her blocks are her favorite toy because of just how many beautiful colors they come in. Pastels, primaries, jewel tones, you name it. She loves sorting them by color, shade, tones, etc.

Baby Vaggie is a huge fan of messy play. Charlie loves playing in the sandbox or pool with her, and splashing is so mesmerizing to her. She also loves just getting into things, like makeup, slime, food, shower gels, whatever. She can absolutely DEMOLISH a room.

But that comes with the stipulation that she gets to be clean after! The jetted tub in their room is her favorite place to be after a long day being big or little! She just has to be watched very closely by someone so she can stay safe (and of course, NOT destroy the bathroom).

Because being little is the only time Vaggie seems to not want to suppress herself, Charlie encourages her to regress often. She loves Baby Vaggie! And Vaggie always seems so much more content after a couple of hours in babyspace. It's just a good balance, and it's a system that works for them!

[zebulontheplanet]

could you elaborate on the difference between regression and burnout? (if you want)

Hey! I have a few posts on this but sure, I can explain it again!

Late autism regression is usually caused by something called Autism Catatonia. I’ll put some links below about it.

Autism catatonia is a serious condition that involves the slow start of regression in developmental and social aspects. Someone with autism catatonia will start to develop catatonia, as the name suggests. The person will freeze before and sometimes after tasks, they will have trouble completing tasks, need extensive prompting or hand over hand help, and more. The person will also start to decline in social aspects, from isolation, to aggressive behaviors, to just generally declining in all areas involving social interaction. They will also start to decline in the ability to do skills, for example; forgetting how to shower, forgetting how to do certain things, etc etc. The person might also start to decline in speech, and in some cases, lose their ability all together.

Mood decline is also very common, from aggressive behaviors, to depressive like behaviors. The person will have also episodes of catatonia, such as freezing. The person might also have trouble doing tasks and going over thresholds.

Autism catatonia is very complex and not a lot of professionals know a lot about it so it’s good to speak with a professional that is knowledgeable in it if you suspect you have it. Please keep in mind that autism catatonia is rare. And is not the same as executive dysfunction. It is often treated with medication and in more severe cases, ECT.

Burnout is much much different. It’s caused by masking. And over time as someone masks to conform to society, they start to feel burnt out. This CAN lead to some loss in skills, however with time, healing, rest, and accommodations and unmasking, it can lead to you getting pretty much back to normal or at least get you to where you want to be. Burnout is also serious, but it is much different from autism regression.

Again, I’m not a professional, my information might not be 100%. I’d google more about it and research more! There are a ton of resources on autism burnout, and a few on regression. Please do not try and self diagnosis autism regression with catatonia, it is so serious and shouldn’t be taken lightly.

AGAIN. IM NOT A PROFESSIONAL. THIS IS JUST FROM MY PERSONAL RESEARCH AND EXPERIENCES.

https://asatonline.org/research-treatment/clinical-corner/catatonia/

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

why did I start this fic with a timeskip forward to a conversation involving a HUMAN LIE DETECTOR 😭😭😭😭😭😭

this plot has gotten progressively more complicated than I expected it to as I've advanced it and now I have to keep track of SO MANY THREADS because EVERYONE KNOWS SOMETHING DIFFERENT and I can't let ANY OF THEM get tangled in that first chapter now that we've reached it in the timeline because I can't rely on my usual cheat of a character just lying or obfuscating the truth to avoid a contradiction because HE'D HAVE KNOWN

I mean it was a sick ass opening for the fic and I still love it but why

why did I do this to myself

I have ADHD why did I write a mystery from several different angles where nobody has all the info

why

me rn

the next two chapters are almost done but I need to review them again for the fiftieth fucking time when I'm 100% mentally present and clear headed (an absolute rarity considering I live like 70% of my life in autism burnout) to make sure I have no contradictions AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

how do long fic writers do this all the time y'all are wizards

if I manage this without fucking something up it's gonna be an ADHD miracle I'm gonna be so fucking proud of myself, and if I do fuck something up c'est la vie I guess 💀 it's not gonna stop me from trucking on pffft I love this fic too much

I just wanna post these damn chapters because once they're done I get to write one I have been SO LOOKING FORWARD TO we're nearing the end of fic #3 lads and things are getting juicy

[ursulanoodles]

Random Harvey Headcanons Pt.1

He was bullied as a child-- by his family and kids at school

Started his career in emergency medicine, but lost a patient and switched to the mundanity that is family medicine so he could focus on his hobbies and interests

Has autism (war planes, ham radio, and old medical journals are his special interests, though he hides them and tries to contain himself when someone mentions any of these things in public for fear of being judged).

His parents treated him very poorly and he has a lot of childhood trauma and insecurities because of it. He was made to feel like he was never good enough and they pushed him to do well in school. Burnout definitely contributed to him moving away from home.

When the farmer arrives in Pelican Town, it has been quite some time since he’s had any sort of romantic partner. I would say at least two years.

He’s definitely been dumped for being too nice.

He never touched coffee until his residency, but now he can’t get enough. He got very into different styles of coffee brewing and owns several different coffee makers including cold brew, French press, and pour-over. Despite what some might think, he doesn’t drink his coffee black and takes one cream and one sugar.

Loves a charcuterie board with his glass of wine.

Very tall-- we’re talking between 6′4″-6′6″ and he has to duck through just about everyone’s doorway in Pelican Town or he’ll smack his head.

Smells like cinnamon and warm spices (and coffee-- obviously)

His favorite kind of cookie is oatmeal raisin

Is very loving and protective in a relationship and will do anything for his partner, even if that means inconveniencing himself.

Has virtually no friends, though he does sometimes hang out with Elliott and Leah.

Makes his own pickles and likes them very garlicky.

The kind of guy who brings a book to a bar. He is genuinely not there to socialize, he just wants a glass of wine while he reads and he needed to get out of the house.

Comes from a little bit of money, but he has nothing to do with his family and does not take handouts from them. Despite this, he does have some expensive tastes and enjoys dressing well.

His favorite wine is a red zinfandel or he’ll go with a cabernet sauvignon if that’s not available. He does also enjoy white wine, Riesling being his favorite white.

Shaves with a straight razor

Wears a mustache to hide the fact that he has a baby face (though in my fic I gave him a small scar on his upper lip that he hides haha).

Is meticulous about his personal hygiene and appearance

Absolutely treasures his alone time

Has a temper that he hides very well

[valravn72]

Disabled Xion Flags!!

For funsies :3

Alright to use without credit, just please reblog if saving/using!!! Thank youuuu 🫶

Reasons for my disabled Xion headcanon below the cut (the summary bc otherwise I will go all day):

Xion is obsessed with “usefulness” and only considers illness in light of how it will affect her productivity or burden others

Xion is also very preoccupied with whether or not she is worthy of existence

Xion experiences chronic episodes of dizziness, migraines, fatigue and fainting. This comes from how her body reacts to her paradoxical existence and how the state of that existence relates to the simultaneous nature of Sora, Roxas and Naminé

The way her body attacks itself because it knows something is wrong is so so real as a disability allegory immune systems be like that

She collects shells!!! And stims with them by rubbing them!!! And gives people them as her love language!!! Autism!!!! And she carries them around in her big dramatic coat pockets! Me frrrrr

Also having Nobodies as a dissociation/low empathy allegory effects her character a lot, including how she and Roxas don’t really understand most phrases and social norms… autisma…!…

She spends a lot of time in bed recovering from fainting episodes and dizzy spells

Roxas’s comas usually have clear causes that correlate with events such as Sora being put to sleep, but for Xion it’s usually just because she’s in burnout. My girl’s a spoonie

Another autism moment is how ???? her gender is. She’s widely considered to be a trans allegory and autistic people are statistically more likely to experience gender in abnormal ways/be nonbinary so wahahaha my headcanons support each other that’s how right I am

The separation from her body that comes with finding out she is a replica is a good parallel with disability mourning (as well as dpdr and gender dysphoria)

She’s also very fixated on whether or not she is “real” and how she could become real and is referred to as an object or a doll/puppet by a lot of other characters, which is a big trope in disabled media

Overall her internalized dehumanization and ableism is a big part of her character

She also parrots back ableist things people have said to her in order to justify not asking for help, especially when Roxas and Axel try to convince her that she comes first

There’s some dialogue from other characters where several of them mention how they think she’s overworking herself and is too invested in seeking approval

Saïx calling her a “waste” is a big part of her character arc. As is losing to Riku, which is stupid because he’s older than her and has more experience

When Roxas gets sick she immediately recognizes him hiding his symptoms, working too hard and refusing help and begs him to be gentle with himself because she understands exactly what he’s going through

Her body and abilities are consistently depicted as being unstable in nature overall. Her magic and abilities are unreliable and can stop working for seemingly no reason

She also has a high sense of justice, starts out nonverbal, displays limited emotions when not having a breakdown and is very rule focused + takes what authority figures say at face value. My little yippee

She’s very quiet overall and also stays in her hood a lot, which is common for Nobodies to disguise her identities but she’s also very inexpressive when hooded and is only verbal with effort. She retreats into her hood when overwhelmed pretty consistently, especially when she doesn’t want to engage emotionally. In the manga she is shown to typically be expressionless when in this state.

She’s doomed by the narrative and she knows it

She was basically made as a backup in case Roxas and Sora couldn’t be useful to the organization, so her body is reacting to how there’s several pieces of herself missing and how they all exist simultaneously and effect each other constantly even though they’re all completely separate people. It’s implied that only absorbing Roxas and Sora would allow her to have a stable body. She opts to have Sora absorb her instead.

Anyway yeah this isn’t really a perfect explanation but this is the most I can do without writing another Jumbled Autism Dump essay. I hope it was legible and thank you for reading it lmao. I’m just excited to spread the gospel of spoonie Xion

[autisticwriterblog]

Fandom 50 Post 12

A Neurodivergent Reading of False Kings by Poets of the Fall

Introduction:

After watching this music video about twenty times on repeat, I started to interpret the lyrics and video in a specific way, hence the title of this post. Basically, I began to interpret the lyrics as a story about a neurodivergent person who is sick of trying to fit in with others.

A little background on me and my experiences: I have autism and ADHD and I’ve had very bad experiences in the past of trying to interact with other people. People only accepted me if I masked, but when I went through a massive burnout as a teenager, I lost my ability to mask. And my friends started drifting away. It seems they only ever liked the façade I put up because I wanted to fit in. And everything fell apart when I started acting ‘weird’.

Anyway, after reading that, you can probably see why I’m projecting so hard onto Marko’s character in the music video. This whole thing is incredibly self-indulgent and basically just an excuse for me to ramble about a song I love.

Some specific lyrics I keep thinking about:

Getting lost singing their song – When you try to hard to change to fit in with others you begin to lose a part of yourself.

It's all I know, but not what I need – All he knows are people who only like the palatable version of himself he puts forward, but masking forever will lead to burnout.

Run from this meaningless pantomime – He wants to get out of here because he’s sick of trying to fit in with people, which feels pointless to him.

Bought their smiles, liquid and smooth / Took their words for the truth – He is gullible and takes people seriously even when they’re mocking him, struggling to tell their true intentions until its too late.

End my wars and erase / And I'm yours – If you help him get away from what overwhelms him/people who don’t respect him, he’ll be so grateful that he’ll do anything for you.

My thoughts about the music video:

Throughout the scenes at the party, Marko’s character looks stressed and tired. The others at the party are laughing together but he doesn’t join in. In fact, he doesn’t seem to have fun throughout the video. Several shots of all the activity in the room then cut back to his face and he looks overwhelmed by everything going on. When he sits down at the chess board, he looks exhausted. After the chess game, he storms out, possibly having reached his limit.

When he’s alone and shaded in red light, he looks visibly different or even ‘monstrous’. Is this because he feels like people see him as a freak and the changes to his face are a visible representation of how he’s othered? Or perhaps it’s a symbolism of him masking – looking like a ‘normal’ person in the black and white scenes versus his inability to look ‘normal’ at other times, hench his appearance in the red scenes.

He seems comfortable with the woman in the bedroom with him. Is she someone who understands/respects the real him? Is that why he sings about being ‘yours’, because he longs for a relationship with someone who really knows him?

In conclusion:

This song means a lot to me as a neurodivergent person, and I just wanted to ramble about why that is.

[hells-greatestdad]

// me venting about being autistic in this world again. ignore at will.

There is a thing in the online, adult autistic community where they hate the use of the phrase "high functioning", because this phrase has been used to deny "high functioning" autistics necessary aid and/or accommodation and the like.

Which. I'm starting to see and experience for myself. I have been told, quite plainly, that because I'm "high functioning", that my condition cannot be that disabling and that I'm exaggerating my experiences or that I'm mistaking normal experiences for autistic ones.

Still, I dunno that the words used are the problem.... more that, my experience as an autistic person is clearly and obviously less severe than what the general public pictures when you say "autism". When you see that I am technically capable of the same things most people are (even if I may seem a bit odd going about it), it's difficult to fathom that I may still struggle in many ways. I think that's just kinda... intrinsic to the way I experience autism.

So I personally don't take issue with the words "high functioning". But I digress.

Regardless, I do struggle in ways that are not immediately obvious or necessarily visible. It's just... when I explicitly say that I am struggling, why can't people believe me??

I am grateful for the people skills I have gained from customer service. I didn't have those before, but being thrust into that position forced me to learn. As a result, I tend to generally interact more "normally" than before.... it's masking, yes. But masking can be as much a blessing as a curse.

I am well versed in the way things operate on the front end at work. I am demonstrably better at memorizing the processes by which we operate and get things done than most others in my position. This also means I am well suited to the office part of the job.

I have very clear strengths. I am considered to be very good at my job.

But God.... the sensory issues, especially being in a grocery store all day long. The overstimulation. The being extra prone to burnout because I have to work harder in order to function in social situations. (That is a thing. Since reading people and social situations doesn't come naturally to the way my brain operates, I have to use other thought processes in order to read people. And they are tiring, because humans are meant to have more subconscious ways of reading those things.)

[astridthevalkyrie]

to anyone following me who's waiting for the superior update: i am so sorry it's taking so long. it's not just hard to hyperfixate on levi, it's hard to hyperfixate on anything. even though i have ten million hawks wips i started and a couple l&ds ones too, not even mentioning all the old levi ones, i can't actually think about them enough to write. i have the docs open on my laptop and i just kinda stare at them. if i really force myself to write, it's not going to be good. my best writing always just comes out of me naturally.

superior's at 8k words right now and hasn't been updated in more than a year, and that kills me. it's not abandoned. that story is my baby. law school has honestly been a shitshow for me. my grades are fine, but my depression and anxiety have reached the lowest lows they've ever been even though things in my life have actually improved! i've set boundaries with my parents and my grades are good and i do have friends. but even though i'm trying, i'm in constant burnout. i can never tell whether it's my physical or mental health that's the problem. between the depression anxiety adhd and now autism (i still need further testing but i have passed the initial one so congratulations to me hoorah) i'm literally almost always in a bad mood and exhausted. and then i'm dehydrated, severely anemic, and my upper back has been in constant pain since i was 17. my wrists have hurt on and off since i was 16, which obviously makes typing all the more hard.

and if this sounds like i'm whining...it's because i am. i don't wanna be stuck in this state, depressive or autistic burnout or executive dysfunction or whatever it is. i have a vision of where i could be, what i could do if i could just do it and it just depresses me more. i'm in therapy, i'm trying to be nice to myself, but it's so hard. i hate everything and everyone but i am trying so hard to be kind and understanding and not to upset anyone.

i want to hyperfixate. i want to think about a character 24/7. sure it affects my productivity when it happens, but my productivity is already in the ground. at least that way i would be making myself happy. i can barely maladaptive daydream lately. i used to think of scenarios and stories 24/7 even if i didn't write them. and now it's like. i hate the music i listen to. i hate my room. i have no energy to like characters. i barely have energy to wake up. and the more i dwell on these thoughts, the worse it gets.

but still. i am not abandoning this story. i want to finish it so badly. i've just realized that the problem isn't necessarily "oh there isn't any new aot media." it's just. i'm not doing well. yesterday was a better day and i wrote 2k words of analysis. i still can do it. but it feels like the only way i could really heal is if everyone in my life left me alone for at least a week, maybe a month. and that's obviously not happening. so i'm trying to find tips for people with audhd and seeing what i can do to cope but they're all things that i just don't feel are achievable. and because my self worth is so closely tied to what i can do, the more nothing happens, the more depressed i become.

all this to say superior is not abandoned. i'm trying to get to a better place, and i really hope i can have time for my favorite characters and my little stories. i hope you guys can see it soon.

[kexing]

it’s just so frustrating when you’re autistic in a severe burnout that’s been going on for years and you need crazy amounts of support to even complete basic daily tasks and it’s progressively getting worse, you’re literally watching yourself fade away in slow motion

but then you’re also in your 30s and you have no one to ask for help, everyone else is busy with their lives and if you say you can’t clean the house, let alone get out of the bed in the morning they’ll just call you lazy

so you keep doing the best you can by yourself but that’s not enough and you know this will probably have terrible everlasting consequences and you spend most of your time feeling like an utter failure and wishing you weren’t here

but there’s nowhere else to go, no one to run to. you’re fighting this invisible war on your own and everyone else keeps acting like everything’s fine so you start thinking that maybe you’re just overreacting, that maybe it’s not that bad, you are, in fact, just lazy like they all said

but then you get diagnosed with multiple disorders and mental illnesses due to untreated autism and for living without support your whole life and your doctor tells you that your pain is very fucking visible from outer space

and suddenly you realize that no, you weren’t making things up, everyone else just didn’t see it, they don’t care enough to see it and they’re so very lucky because they can ignore the issue while you can’t

so once again you’re confronted with that unbearable loneliness that settles deep inside your bones and makes you feel agonizingly cold and alone

because you are. and no one’s coming to help you so you just sit with your pain and wait for the end