#then it turned out what i always thought was just anxiety is actually OCD

[casual-eumetazoa]

hi does anyone have ideas for ways to occupy your brain so that it doesn't blast intrusive thoughts 24/7. activities need to also be not super brain heavy and able to be done in bed if needed. for now I'm playing a lot of mobile games and watching a lot of youtube but it's getting repetitive and starting to lose the effect. thank in advance

[moonstruckme]

And then I have one but idk which marauder to make it for so I’ll let you pick whoever you think it fits better. I have to take medicine for my OCD and anxiety but it’s embarrassing. So I’m like imagining who you pick staying the night with the reader and her skipping her medicine because she’s embarrassed but being off medicine messes you up. So clearly the reader would be alittle down and out of it so her friend asks her if she’s okay and if she took her medicine. Welllllll the marauder hears that and later that night when they are getting ready for bed he simply hands her a glass and asks her to take her medicine please and mentions how he wants all of her that includes the quirks, need for medicine, and need for comfort sometimes too.

I decided to make this part of the Sirius x Remus' roommate saga, hope that's alright! Thanks for requesting sweetheart <3

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5

cw: some symptoms of withdrawal, reader takes prescription meds

modern au

Sirius Black x fem!reader ♡ 1.5k words

Apparently, even when Sirius gets you out of your flat for the weekend, Remus is still always in the middle of things. 

“I can’t believe you got him to watch New Girl,” Remus complains over speakerphone as you make yourself a cup of tea. Sirius had offered to do it for you, but you’d brushed him off, and he’d been too busy secretly delighting in how comfortable you are in his flat to argue further. “James and I have been trying to get him to watch the first episode for years.” 

“Mmm, you’ve got to start on season three to get people interested, then go back,” you tell him wisely. “I showed him my favorite episode, the one with…uh…”

You trail off, and Sirius looks at you over the top of the couch. There’s a dissatisfied pinch between your brows.

“The one with the spider?” Remus prompts knowingly. 

“Right.” You blink a couple of times, refocusing on your mug as you pour hot water in over the teabag. “That one.” 

“Well, the apartment is quiet without you, but I’m glad you’re having fun.” 

Sirius’ mouth curls as he waits for your response. Though he sometimes still gets jealous of the easy intimacy between you as roommates, he’s come to enjoy the entertainment value of your banter with Remus. The apartment’s just as quiet with me, you’ll say, or You don’t even want to know what kind of fun we’re having. 

But your gaze has gone distant, and after a few seconds, the reply doesn’t seem like it’s going to come. 

Sirius feels worry snake around his ribcage, a light but noticeable pressure. A few hours ago, you’d complained of a headache, and ever since then you’ve seemed in an odd headspace. You’re quieter than you’ve ever been around him, you claimed not to feel like lunch, and he’s caught you stumbling or losing track of your thoughts on more than a couple occaisions. He’d asked once if you’d wanted to go home, but you’d promised you were fine and Sirius didn’t want to push the issue. He loves having you here, he really does, but he hopes it’s nothing about being in his home that’s making you seem so…off. He’d compromised by suggesting you show him that show you’re always referencing (Remus and James were right, it actually is pretty good) in the hopes that a few hours of relaxation would help restore you to yourself, but you don’t seem to be feeling better. 

Even over the phone, Remus picks up on it too. “You alright?” 

“Mm?” You blink. “Oh, yeah.” There’s a forced cheer to your voice, and Sirius watches as you roll your shoulders as if bracing yourself. “I’m just a little tired, I guess.” 

Remus hums, the sound crackling through the speaker. “Did you take your medicine last night?” 

You take him off speaker. Sirius turns when your eyes dart towards where he’s sitting on the couch, taking the coward’s way out on instinct and pretending he wasn’t paying attention. 

“I’m fine,” you say quietly into the phone. Sirius can’t hear Remus well enough anymore to make out his response, but he recognizes the slow, coaxing inflection of his friend’s voice. Your own tone sharpens in contrast, though you sound heartbreakingly exhausted. “I’ve got it. Yep, thanks. See you tomorrow.” 

You blow on your tea as you join Sirius on the couch, not a trace of apprehension about you. He extends his arm invitingly, and you slot underneath it like it’s home. 

“I gather you two aren’t used to time apart,” he teases, trying to entice a smile from you. 

It works, albeit only slightly. The curve of your lips is minute, but he’ll take it. “We’re both homebodies,” you say simply. “We’ve grown too used to being around each other.” 

“His privilege and your curse,” Sirius laments, exaggerating his grunt when you elbow him in the ribs. “Fine, you’re both very lucky. I’m just glad I managed to snag you for one weekend.” When he aims a saccharine smile your way, he suspects you set your cheek on his shoulder as a ploy to hide your blush. It melts him regardless, like ice cream in the summertime. “Want to watch another episode, lovely girl?” 

He frowns when all that gets out of you is a hum, rubbing your bicep as he presses play. 

He manages to get some dinner into you by insisting you try takeaway from his favorite Thai place in the neighborhood, and you seem amenable to the idea of an early night, all but drooping over the sink as you brush your teeth. 

Sirius will never admit it, but his heart is pounding as he takes a glass down from above the kitchen sink, filling it with water. He hopes this isn’t a massive overreach. This thing between you is still relatively new, and the last thing he wants is to make your first stay at his place awkward for either of you, but he cares about you. From what Sirius can tell, you’ve withdrawn into what seems like an unhappy place inside your head, and he can’t just leave you there by yourself. 

He catches you just as you’re leaving the bathroom, passing you the glass of water as casually as he can, as if it's the most routine thing in the world, before taking your place at the sink. “Don’t forget your medicine,” he says softly, taking his toothbrush from beside yours in the cup.

For a moment, you’re quiet. Sirius squirts toothpaste onto his brush, trying his damndest not to look for your reaction in the mirror. 

“You heard Remus on the phone.” It’s almost a whisper. Nowhere close to a question.

“I didn’t mean to,” Sirius apologizes, glancing up at your reflection. You’re looking distant again, your gaze fixed somewhere to the left of his face. “I’m sorry if I heard something you didn’t want me to, but it’s…did you forget?” 

You take another long moment to reply. Sirius is careful to stay quiet, giving you space as you chew your lip, but when your eyes meet his in the mirror you look so crestfallen his heart nearly stops. “I didn’t forget,” you admit. “It’s just so embarrassing, I didn’t want you to know.” 

He can’t stay still anymore. His toothpaste drops with a wet smack into the bowl of the sink when he sets his toothbrush on the rim, and he’s got your hands in his in a second. “Sweetheart, what do you mean?” He keeps ahold of one of your hands, letting his other one coast up your arm to your shoulder, where his thumb massages your collarbone familiarly. “It’s not embarrassing. It’s just, it’s something you need to be yourself. Like…my sparkly doc martens, you know? Or Remus’ chocolate hoards.” 

Your laugh is brief, more a huffed exhale than anything, but Sirius grins at you nonetheless. His hand moves up to cup the back of your neck, thumb soothing over the edge of your jaw. 

“You know what I really like about you?” he asks. You don’t look inclined to answer, but your left brow flicks up as if to say Go on. “Everything.” 

You scoff, seeming lighter even as you pull away from grasp. “Shut up.” 

“No, really,” he insists, vying for your hand back. “Getting to know you, it’s been amazing. Every new thing I learn is just something more to like.” You finally stop fighting him, eyes wary as he grips you by the shoulders, keeping you in place. “I want to learn everything there is to know about you, whenever you’ll let me. And I know I can’t expect it all at once,” he says, voice dropping into a more sincere register, “but I want all of it, including the parts you think—wrongly, I might add—are embarrassing.” He gives your upper arms a light squeeze. “Got that, pretty girl?”

A light blush colors your cheeks, and Sirius grins. You’re getting harder to fluster these days, but he delights in making it happen whenever he can. “Okay,” you say, still a tad sheepish for his liking. He plants a kiss on your cheek. 

“Good. Now go get your meds. I don’t want you passing out during breakfast tomorrow because of withdrawal.” 

“That’s not how it works,” you snipe, but he hears the rattle of pills as you dig through your overnight bag. 

“Whatever,” he says breezily, picking up his toothbrush to put a new dollop of paste onto it. “I just can’t reckon with the idea that Remus still knows things about you I don’t. Shouldn’t I outrank him by now?” 

“You’ve had roommates,” you tell him, coming back into the bathroom with the glass of water half empty. “You’re really going to tell me that they don’t know more about you than I do right now?”

Sirius makes a noncommittal, muffled sound, pointing to his toothpaste-filled mouth as excuse not to answer. 

“Right,” you say drily. “Maybe we should call your pal Remus and see if he happens to recall.” 

Sirius has never spit so fast in his life. 

[butchspace]

I guess I kind of just use this account for PSAs now, and this has been on my mind a lot lately.

I figured out that I have OCD a few years ago, and recently I’ve seen a lot of bad advice around dealing with intrusive thoughts and obsessions.

There’s that post that goes around occasionally about “taking pictures of your oven knobs before you leave” or other things I’ve seen that say to “make a weird face when you lock your door.” THESE ARE COMPULSIONS. If you have/suspect you have OCD or you often struggle with things like that, please do not follow this advice. Instead, try to accept your intrusive thoughts and move on, not argue with them. Over time, they will get easier and easier to deal with. Ruminating, stressing, or arguing with them just makes them worse in the long run.

If you think you might have OCD and want to seek a specialist, the IOCDF’s home page has a lot of resources under the “find help” tab, including a locator.

I’m going to put the rest under a read-more because I’m going to talk a bit more in depth about intrusive thoughts and compulsions. This mostly because good OCD info is so sparse on line, and I’ve spent many hours compulsively researching OCD lmao.

Content warning:

discussion of unreality/doubting one’s own perception

discussion of specific compulsions

I’m not going to push this point too hard or shame anyone who doesn’t want to follow it, because OCD doesn’t really just go away. It’s a constant struggle. I give in to compulsions regularly, even though I am medicated and have seen a specialist to learn actual coping skills. It’s hard to resist sometimes and you don’t always have the energy, the awareness, or the power to ignore them. You do what you have to do to get through your day. The main difference is that the right medication and the right therapist make it easier to stay out of the spiral and to leave a spiral when you’re in one. They still happen. You still kind of have to play everything by ear.

Similarly, it is super fucking hard to get help or even get diagnosed. No regular therapist actually knows what the fuck it looks like, and specialists are few and far between and often don’t take insurance. It’s not fair or easy or necessarily productive to try and do exposure response prevention on yourself. Your “good coping skills” can even turn into an obsession or compulsion, where you’re constantly worried about what is an intrusive thought and what is not, or if you’re responding to them properly.

What I want to do is try to give at least some useful advice to people who are struggling with intrusive thoughts.

The best way to respond to them is not at all. This is especially true with OCD, because the response to them is sort of the root of this disorder. Sometimes, it’s recommended that with depression or anxiety you challenge your thoughts. In OCD, it’s the opposite. Challenging them can so easily lead you down a compulsion spiral. (More about that cycle from a professional.)

Compulsions can be entirely mental, but I’ll use a common behavioral one to look at how engaging with compulsions can go:

You start by taking a picture of the your stove knobs to make sure they’re all off. That works for a few hours or days, but then you start wondering if the knob is ever-so-slightly in the “on” position. You wonder if the picture proves they’re off enough. You forget to take the picture at all, and have to go back in to check anyways. You check your phone a few times before leaving to ensure that the picture is still there. You take several pictures because you can’t tell if you actually took any at all. You start to wonder if you can even trust what you see before your very eyes. What if you’re just imagining that the knobs are set to off? What if you’re just imagining the whole picture to begin with? The picture allows you to engage with your checking compulsion throughout the day, strengthening the connection between the intrusive thought and the urgency to do something about it. That means it gets worse. That means you find new ways to doubt your perception or your memory or whatever.

It can eventually get really bad. It’s hard and awful to try and deal with this on your own, but sometimes you have to.

It’s so shit. It’s so fucking shit how long many people suffer with mental illness without even knowing what’s going on. I didn’t know that my constant, overwhelming guilt over almost everything I’d ever thought or said or done or maybe did and couldn’t remember was the result of a disorder. It was so freeing to realize there was actually something that might help me, and I could learn to just live with myself and my weird ass thoughts that don’t necessarily mean anything at all. It’s so shit that OCD-awareness is so low among therapists. I was never going to get diagnosed until I found an OCD SPECIALIST (bold, italicized, all caps. Don’t trust people on psychology today who just put OCD in the list of what they treat.) and went over the Y-BOCS with her. It’s all so shit that several therapists I came to with textbook examples of OCD either ignored me or didn’t have the tools to help. I told one of them I “didn’t feel connected to reality” and he kind just went 🤷.

I just want everyone who is in that/a similar situation to at least have this information available to them.

If you want to learn more, these blogs from Sheppard Pratt were the best discussion of OCD I found online that really described what I was going through. They’re written by licensed therapists, several (all?) of whom live with OCD. They’re very healing to read if this is something you’re struggling with, or something you think you might be struggling with, and great in general if you want to learn more about OCD.

Whatever’s going on, OCD or not, have some grace with yourself. Take a few minutes today and do something kind for yourself, even just think one nice thing about yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

[frvnkcastles]

hi, sorry if I wrote something wrong, this is the first time I make a request... well, I've been dealing with OCD since 2020 (not with organization, but with having to touch something repeatedly or turning the light on and off among other things, and if I don't do something bad happens) and I saw that you're accepting ideas, so here's mine if you want :) Frank Castle x Reader who has had OCD for years but it has gotten worse and she has a panic attack because she doesn't want to deal with it anymore but she just can't stop

I’LL KEEP YOU LIKE AN OATH ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: Stuck in a compulsion, you need Frank’s help and support more than ever.

Warnings: Reader has OCD, panic attack, hurt/comfort, feminine nicknames

Word count: 1.4k

Author’s note: I’ve actually been assessed for OCD because I display some traits but I’m fortunate to say they’re not that severe, so I can’t say I fully know the experience I was writing about here. But I hope it meets your expectations, anon! You’re so strong and I hope you’re doing well <3 I feel like Frank would 100000% learn everything he can about his partner’s disorders and go to doctor’s appointments and make sure there’s no skipping meds. Tell me I’m wrong!! Anyway, enjoy :)

You didn’t know what happened to make your symptoms worse, what caused the turn towards a decline in your control over your compulsions but it happened, anyway. You thought you were doing so well, but slowly and surely, your steady management of your disorder crumbled and you soon found yourself in an evil loop that you didn’t quite know how to break out of.

Frank quickly picked up on it getting worse. He could read you like an open book and he was perfectly attuned to your moods and especially the anxiety that had begun to rear its head more often, so it was easy for him to figure out you were struggling. You had been together long enough for him to know exactly how your symptoms manifested and what he could do to help, but he couldn’t deny his heart broke for you after you had made so much progress in the past year.

He caught you standing by the light switch one evening, and he immediately knew what was going on. ”Hey, sweetheart. Wanna take a walk with me or somethin’? Get your mind off of it?” he asked softly, placing a hand on your arm to gently retrieve you from the switch, but you stood firmly and pried his grip off of you.

”I can’t do that. I—I just can’t”, you insisted, flicking the lights on and then back off, which earned a frown from Frank. You had told him before about the immense fear of something bad happening if you didn’t follow the compulsions, and while he knew he couldn’t fix what was going on in your head, he always tried to soothe your circling thoughts.

”It’s aight, baby. I promise, nothin’s gonna happen. I know I’m just some asshole sayin’ it but I swear, it’ll be okay”, he reassured you, stepping in front of you to tear your burning stare away from the light switch and towards him. ”Remember what the doctor said, huh? Sometimes you gotta refuse to engage, yeah? C’mon, sit with me for a while, sweetheart”, he reminded you, and reluctantly, you had to admit he was right. You had agreed to give exposure therapy a go, and when you didn’t feel strong enough on your own, Frank had promised to be right by your side to help you sit with the anxiety.

Frank extended his hand to you, and with a sigh, you took it. ”Attagirl”, he commended you before leading you to the living room couch. You fidgeted but sat down, regardless, and he hauled you into his arms, creating a pile of cuddles on the cushions. Throughout the time you had been together, you had discovered that he could be very affectionate — at least when the right person had come along, and usually, you enjoyed it deeply. But right now, you couldn’t help but ruminate on the damn light switch.

”I gotchu. Wanna tell me about your day tomorrow?” Frank tried to steer your mind toward something else, and exhaling shakily, you nodded. You really wanted to try, make an effort for him and give him a reason to be proud of you. You were certainly weary of your compulsions, so you couldn’t exactly blame Frank if he was starting to feel the same way.

”Yeah, I—I, uh… I’m seeing a friend for lunch and—”, you started, but lost track of your own sentence quickly enough. You couldn’t stop thinking about the light switch, couldn’t help but feel the imminent doom looming over you if you dared to step away from the compulsion, and it was driving you mad.

”I’m listenin’, pretty girl. Which friend we talkin’ about?” Frank tried to keep you going, so thoughtful and attentive, but it wasn’t working. You knew he was really trying for you — he had attended every doctor’s appointment as per your wish and he had made sure to ask what he could do to help, how he could take off some of the burden you were carrying by yourself. And he routinely checked in with you to ensure he hadn’t crossed any boundaries and that his gentle pushing was still helping, and most days, you were happy to report that he was your saving grace.

But right now, it just wasn’t enough.

”I’m sorry, I can’t do this”, you stammered, rushing to climb out of Frank’s arms. You hurried to the light switch and began flicking it on and off, the urge to do it a specific amount of times overcoming your senses. You stood by it like a moth drawn to a flame, and Frank felt a horrible pit in his stomach for being unable to ease your mind.

He followed you from the living room, just in time to catch sight of you bringing your hands to your forehead in despair. You promptly burst into tears, feeling sickened and nervous and out of control, and as you shakily dropped your hands to cover your face, Frank rushed to your side. He placed his palm flat on your back and he crouched over to your level as you doubled over and your breathing grew shallow and panicked.

”Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, sweetheart”, he tried, his gruff voice full of worry as he watched you sink deeper into the panic attack.

”I just want it to stop”, you sobbed, feeling so hopeless and defeated. You didn’t want to get stuck in these loops anymore, but you were incapable of stopping, and it was sending you into a downward spiral right there and then.

But Frank was determined to save you from it. ”I know, baby, I know. It’s real shitty. I wish I could make it stop, y’know I would in a heartbeat”, he spoke with sincere sympathy. ”Breathe f’me, yeah? Look at me. Focus on just me, nothin’ else”, he instructed, soft but demanding enough to be a guiding light, and trying your best, you followed his example of breathing in and out steadily.

Your head was still spinning and your chest felt constricted, but you managed to slow down your breathing. Feeling completely overwhelmed, you slumped down to the floor and sat down against the wall with ragged breaths and trembling hands. Frank followed you down, squatting in front of you to remain in your eyeline, and his hand rested on your propped-up knee.

”There you go, keep goin’”, he encouraged you in a way that helped you calm down. He kept you grounded and as minutes ticked by, you were able to pull yourself back from the void of the sheer panic. You dropped your head between your arms, and observing you with the burning desire to do more to help, Frank sighed.

”I know this fuckin’ sucks, baby. You don’t deserve any of it”, he spoke up, sitting down fully. ”But you know I’m always here, aight? I ain’t givin’ up or lettin’ you do it, either. We’ll get you therapy or meds or whatever it is you wanna do”, he went on, and feeling embarrassed for spinning out of control the way you had, you looked up at him.

”I’m sorry. I wish I wasn’t this way”, you lamented, and in response, Frank just shook his head, refusing to let you go down that path of self-hatred.

”It’s not who you are, ya hear me? They’re your symptoms. It’s a disorder. It’s got nothin’ to do with the kind of person you are, which, by the way, I fuckin’ adore and love no matter what. You’re my girl, and I’m here for you even when you think you’re at your worst”, he claimed with a serious tone. It wasn’t something he was going to argue about — to him, you were perfect. You just happened to struggle sometimes, but that didn’t make you any less beautiful or amazing to him. In fact, it just convinced him that you were so, so strong.

Smiling weakly, you took his hand. ”Thank you, Frankie. I love you, too”, you whispered in gratitude. The compulsion hadn’t left your mind yet, and you suspected it was going to stick with you for a while, but you felt a little better knowing Frank wasn’t going anywhere nor was he going to judge you.

”C’mere, girl”, he gestured for you to crawl into his arms, and you happily obliged. You did exactly that, shuffling on the floor until you were sitting between his legs and your head rested against his chest, the warmth of his firm body bringing you immense comfort.

For the night, Frank was focused on helping you alleviate the anxiety, but the next day, he was driven to find you some help. When it came to your well-being, he did not procrastinate, and so, he was determined to do whatever he could, just for you.

[kuruk]

god if you're listening olease give us a strong sedative that you can take long term with no problems or withdrawal or tolerance going up so easily. I shouldn't have wasted any xanax at all on being able to handle edibles again when I always need it randomly at night after taking nothing at all just because I focused on the feeling of my organs in my body too much or got too scared of the dark. and now I'm all out and kind of screwed. -_- actually so embarrassing to need to take a benzo because you suddenly felt terrified of the dark as an adult but I genuinely can't stand it anymore after I had a thing in 2022 where I kept hearing the front door beeping as if someone was trying to enter in the code and knocking on the window and crowded voices and moaning in the ceiling which maybe was my fault for trying to get answers about my future from god through signs in mundane things like whether the fan turns on when I switch on the light or what number the microwave is on when I get to it or how many cars drive by before I make it back inside the house. which I've always done because of ocd but not so obsessively but the sudden depression I had amplified the meaning of it because I wanted answers so bad. T_T I never saw anything more complex than simple distortions in the dark but my mom recently told me she was hospitalized for postpartum psychosis when she was 23 and saw full demons whuch is literally what I'm afraid of seeing if I let myself look anywhere in the dark. when I was a kid I was confused on why people thought ghosts were scary if they wouldn't even be able to affect the material world but well it really is the worst to think something might just be there even if it didn't have bad intentions like I don't know that's just terrifying... when I rarely hear the quiet mumbling in the ceiling I want to listen but I always beg it not to let me see anything even though I don't feel like it's evil I just don't want to see. it's not even funny because this level of anxiety is genuinely bad physically and what I'm worried about health wise is just more likely waauh

[8-rae-rae-8]

no no no you got me thinking about how the boys’ neurodivergence manifests in their regression. take more rambles with dyslexia induced spelling errors <3

for clarities sake (i am right about all of these btw because i have a PhD in itty 141 /hj): ghost is autistic, soap has adhd, and gaz has ocd & autism

👻} ghost is sensory avoidant. any wool textures or just anything Not Perfectly Smooth is a no-go. he loves smoothing his plushie’s fur out to make sure it’s nice and smooth!

a big fan of toys and games where sorting is the goal. those boxes where you have to put the shapes in the right hole, stacking blocks, and simple jigsaw puzzles (when he’s feeling bigger). sometimes price will let him sort the pens and whatnot on his desk while he’s working :)

🧢} routine, routine, routine. he really needs structure—dinner at 5:30, bedtime at 8, etc. or he gets super overwhelmed.

takes meds for his intrusive thoughts & compulsions. unfortunately, tiny kyle has a lot of pill anxiety (“what if i choke on it,” leading to him avoiding it and disrupting his routine + getting upset). price is always there to hold his hand and remind him of all the times he was able to take his medicine and it turned out just fine. if anything happens, price is there to pat his little otter’s back [:

🧼} hyperactive poster-child (same).

growing up, soap had focus issues in school until he started sports and was able to get some of the excess energy out. still, his teachers constantly told him how smart he was, that he just needed to apply himself more.

once in the SAS, his brain going 100 mph is actual helpful. his smartness can actually pay off when he’s constantly thinking on his feet in life or death situations.

when he’s small? there’s no battlefield for that energy to be used in. when johnny is regressed, he is on the MOVE. toys are left out, breakfast isn’t finished, and movies are never finished. some days, it’s the complete opposite—soap just can’t seem to do much of anything at all. the boredom crawls up in his chest and wraps around his throat like barbed wire. he’s stuck on the couch, if he could just get up and do something—

price has learned how to help his little bubble by now. between handheld sensory toys, a routine with warnings for activity transitions, and some wind down time, he helps johnny one step at a time.

-🧪

I love that that's so accurate ?!?!?!

They all make so much sense to me 😭

I love them so much :((

"little bubble" BY THE WAY IS SO CUTE?!!(!&(!&8

[godlesshasideas]

Writing About Disabilities: ADHD

Here we go again.

When writing about anything you are not personally familiar with, research is your best friend. Don't use this post as a catch all and think it's all you need to write characters with ADHD. This is far from all the information about it, but it's a starting point.

Here's some basic information that I have found and I've also included some of my own experience since I have ADHD, which is at the bottom of this post. (Just as a note I won't always do things I have personal experience with. These are just the ones I feel comfortable sharing first.)

Information regarding ADHD

As most people know, ADHD stands for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It's a neurological disorder that impacts many various things but mainly an individual's focus (both ability and where that focus is). Many people with ADHD usually are focused on something but they don't have control of where that focus is. The biggest example of this is in school settings (which often leads kids to be diagnosed) where they're in the classroom and even though they hear the teacher giving instructions they can't help but focus on what's happening outside or the posters on the wall, etc.

There are various types of ADHD and they have been updated by the DSM. It was once separated as ADHD and ADD, which pretty much meant you had A or B, which doesn't really work neurodivergence because every brain works differently and everyone has their own experience (it's a spectrum). There are now three types and they luckily aren't as cut and dry: Predominantly Inattentive, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and Combined Presentation. It's also important to note that presentations can change over time but it's always just ADHD. Source: CDC

Some more in-depth information:

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder | NIMH

Living with ADHD | Coping Strategies | ADDitude

Data and Statistics About ADHD | CDC

Things to Consider about the character you're writing:

When was your character diagnosed? Also, how did they go about this diagnosis process? While this may seem like some simple questions, the answer does contribute to your character's story and identity. Was it part of their K-12 years? If so, what part? Was it when they got to college? Were they never diagnosed until a friend/family member pointed it out to them? Are they still undiagnosed? You should look into the experiences people have shared online about their diagnosis because it may be helpful for creating your character.

Do they have other forms of neurodivergence? Many neurodivergent people have more than one diagnosis in neurodivergence. For example, there's a lot of overlap with ADHD and Autism. So much so, that there's a unofficial term for it: AuDHD. This term is unofficial in the sense that it was developed by the community for the community rather than medical professionals. If your character has multiple diagnoses, how do those diagnoses interact with each other?

*Also, be aware of statistics. It's been proven over and over again that women or AFAB people are less likely to receive a diagnosis for ADHD (they're more likely to be diagnosis with anxiety, depression or OCD; all of which can be contributed to ADHD)

My Experience with ADHD

I decided to create a section to share my experience just because of how much it's apart of my daily life. I've obviously had ADHD all my life but I wasn't diagnosed until my first/second year of high school. The reason for this is because I was "good in school" and wasn't "jumping off the walls". I was good in school because I was hyperfixated on academics and academia. I wasn't jumping off the walls with energy because I was constantly masking, because now as I have gotten older and more comfortable, those high energy symptoms are more apparent.

I didn't take ADHD medication for a very long time because I thought I was managing just fine. I actually requested medication a few months back (before my third year of university). Turns out I was not managing just fine. I was constantly procrastinating and leaving things to the last minute. I was relying on the pressure of a looming deadline. I was also in a constant state of executive dysfunction when that deadline wasn't there (like with household chores). Imagine my surprise when I'm suddenly able to work on tasks without pressure of a deadline or pressure of failure.

As a funny little note, whenever I spoke to healthcare professionals and I told them I had ADHD or they saw it in my chart, they would be shocked/surprised by the fact I was unmedicated. Another funny note, when I spoke with my psychiatrist about being put on an ADHD medication, he was like "I was wondering when this would happen" like sir??? lmao

**Once again, always do more research. Do not use this post as all you need. Anytime you write something or create a character that has something you aren't familiar with, you need to take the time to learn about it. Research Research Research!

[clownrecess]

As an autistic individual myself, I am interested in the intersection of neurodiversity and various identities.

You've mentioned that you identify as a Norse Pagan. I'm curious about how your spiritual beliefs intersect with your neurodivergent experience. Do you find that your autistic identity informs or impacts your spiritual practice in any way?

(Tw for discussions of trauma, religion, etc.)

Sorry for the late-ish response! I've been working on this post a little everyday to make sure I write it how I want it.

I dont think that my autism has impacted my religion or spirtual experiences/beliefs, but my brain as a whole does. (Update: It actually did influence it quite a bit. I'm realizing this after writing this post. So, uh, thank you for helping me realize something that I find quite interesting!)

When I was a kid, I was raised in christianity. I was very religious. I prayed everyday, I had a cross in my room, etc.

But heres the thing: I have OCD. A few different types, but out of those, one of them is religious OCD.

Most of my praying ages late 8-12 was done purely out of fear. At that point I wasnt even really a Christian, I was just really afraid, which really impacted how I viewed religion. I HATED conversation about it because it felt scary and icky to me.

I didn't understand why people would ever want to talk about it. It felt like a very private topic for me, so I figured people who go out of their way to talk about it must be trying to get extra "good points" with god (maybe that bit was caused by autism, actually.).

During that time, I would go through little phases of a month or so at a time in which I would try to "swing the opposite direction". This was around age 10-11. I was developing an intense anger toward the church, and I just wanted to be the opposite of they were, whatever that meant. Because I didn't want to think about religion (due to anxiety around it), I really didn't know what many religious labels actually meant because researching them made me very uncomfortable, so I briefly identified as a satanist (this would be on and off during ages 10-11.) despite really not knowing what that meant. I think I just wanted a way to separate myself from the church as much as possible.

A few months after I turned 12, I felt a really strong urge to research paganism out of nowhere (I didnt even know what "pagan" meant, I just suddenly felt the need to know things about it. It was very random.). It started sort of as a special interest (Maybe autism did influence me more than I thought! Interesting.), and so I would look into a lot of different branches of paganism, focusing most of my research around hellenistic paganism.

A few weeks after this, I had a very interesting experience which I now believe to have been a sign from Freyja (I dont want to go into specifics. It was personal and I want to keep that special to me. I might later, but for now it's just mine. Just know it was a very beautiful thing from her.). DIRECTLY following this event (Maybe an hour or two later), I felt another urge to research things, but this time to be looking into the Norse Gods/Goddesses (which I'd never even heard of at that point.).

At that point I ended up converting to paganism. It was an extremely sudden decision, but it made sense to me.

No matter what religion I had been apart of before, I always felt anxiety and guilt, causing me to try and fix things by becoming excessively religious again in a Christian way. But from the moment I became pagan, I just never had that ever again. It's been the only religion I've ever felt fully safe in.

It's obviously been quite a while since then, and I'm obviously still a Norse Pagan.

Whilst I now love all the gods and goddesses, Freyja will always be especially special to me.

At this point I have worked with: Freyja, Loki, Odin, Beyla, and Njord.

Now, I also think its important to mention another part of my brain that impacts my religious experience: I am in a system.

Nearly all of us identify as Norse Pagans, but we have a few Agnostics as well, a few Eclectic Pagans, an Atheistic Satanist, and a Theistic Satanist.

The primary religious identity within our system is Norse Paganism, with the majority of individuals identifying as followers of this belief system. Due to this, we say we are a Norse Pagan! We are also okay with just being called "Pagan" on it's own, though.

[machinesbleedtoo]

Cluster B personality disorders are manageable, actually

it's always really awkward trying to explain to people how i manage antisocial + narcissistic personality disorder well. people have a really hard time wrapping their head around the concept that We Are People and like any disorder, we can manage it with help. there's this belief that if you're a narcissist or a psychopath you're unworthy of love and a lost cause, which is what made me a monster in the first place. other people kept telling me to just be empathetic, to stop being a dick, etc; i didn't know what that meant, and so i decided other people were the problem because they did nothing but explode at me for what i thought was no reason because no one helped me understand the reason. I was meant to just "know".

i was diagnosed retroactively at 20-fucking-7, when i'd started to work out how to live like a normal person (very patient and loving friends were to blame for that). when i was thirty years old, a psychiatrist said to me: "you obviously have feelings, what do they look like for you? how do they feel?" - i didn't know how to answer him. other people had convinced me i didn't have feelings for most of my life. which is part of why i was a callous bastard - it did not help then (but it does now for the most part) that i'm really good at compartmentalization. it took me a good number of years to know how to answer his question.

i have feelings, yes; we all do. we'd be dead otherwise. they're what drive us to act on things, and the neurotransmitters that work on emotions work on physical functions as well. this assumption about a person is not an excuse to abuse them. it's no excuse to treat them like a catharsis piñata. you could be a monster, too, under the same circumstances as i or anyone who has these disorders far worse than i do.

but it's really hard for me to read myself. it takes a lot more of a feeling for it to break the surface than is normal, and i was never taught to identify what a feeling is catered to my own uniqueness (something everyone should be afforded).

and i have a disconnect between physical and emotional reactions - i didn't think i felt disgust, because i don't get a visceral response to gross things. a lot of my emotions are just different shades of anger. if something disgusts me i get an angry "get the fuck away from me" feeling, i don't gag or whatever. it does set off my diagnosed OCD in some instances, which adds anxiety to the mix.

so i'd do things like be mega stressed and not feel it, then explode outwards like a neurotic control freak because i had no idea what my limits were. or how to solve the problem i was presently facing. i had to train myself to notice the signs in my thought patterns, rather than my body.

it turns out emotional empathy is based on context; how am i supposed to react "normally" to people when i don't know what "normal" is? i used to do some awful things to people when they were experiencing fear because i didn't understand it. i thought it was quaint. in the words of a friend, i was "sciencing the shit out of the situation." i didn't get answers or understand how people worked the healthy way, so i resorted to my own measures (which, of course, did not give me the answers i sought either.)

i have a hard time telling positive and negative emotions apart, which is good in some ways - i just let myself feel things. but the feelings last not very long. and are usually delayed. i'm unable to consent to things as a 34 year old adult normally, because when presented with something i don't care, which does not mean i want it. and because i don't care, i don't know it's a "maybe" at the time. when something bad happens to me it takes me a long time to even realize, and i can't purge it. this is my burden to bear - other people cannot read my mind. but a mental breakdown would be cathartic.

to deal with this botched brain of mine, i recognize it has strengths too. i raised a very well behaved cat, because i am more uncompromising than she is. and she is not afraid when i take her to the vet, because i am a source of emotional stability for her; i'm not reactive, so it calms her. i am able to Persist doing things that are unpleasant like trimming her ass hair, and she's allowed to vent - scratch, yell, bite - and i stay Null and it's over and she doesn't hide or run away because a) she was allowed to express the discomfort b) it was over quickly, which it wouldn't be if i let her carrying on make me stop the ordeal.

i am able to spot an anxious person from across the room. i was exploited a lot when i was young, and so it felt natural to exploit other people in vulnerable positions - something i mistakenly thought i was incapable of. i was always so good at spotting them with this predator brain of mine.

but i started to instead ask those people if they are okay. at first it felt insincere and bad and stupid because i wasn't Allowed to show care for other people, because psychopaths don't do that, because it's always mean spirited or fake when they do. but it became a habit. and it became normal. and it became a strength of mine. i do it because it's the right thing to do - i don't personally have to feel emotional about it for that to be real.

i am able to admit mistakes and apologize because i know when i need to, since my brain cycles through a narcissism spiral, and it's like -- bitch if you're reacting that severely you know you're wrong. it was another thing that sucked and felt insincere to begin with, but with practice it got easier. and with practice it caused me less discomfort. when my brain says arrogant things i respond with citation needed. my neuroscience education certainly helps with my perspective reorientation too.

i'm heavily medicated for these disorders + ADHD + OCD, which helps curb the anger and impulsiveness. i am really good at working with people now - these things being managed and my clinical nonplussed nature makes communication easy. i am able to de-escalate situations well, too.

i've had people apologize for crying, but i was so focused on listening to them i didn't notice - so they didn't have to feel bad about it. because i don't care that they're crying. i care about them. an intellectual sense of care is something everyone carries; it's what makes us choose to be patient, to listen, to mitigate the damage emotional reactivity can cause.

i have high cognitive empathy; i might not react to the emotional state of another person, but i know that my read on the situation will be inaccurate. so i simply ask them what they need, without assumption. this is something i wish more people were able to do. i get very uncomfortable with platitudes, personally - because i just can't relate to them at all and i feel pressured to Perform emotionally. that's just one example of different needs.

there's a lot more i could write about here - and i'm not really sure why i decided to write this now. i guess because the world is very painful lately, and these disorders get used as insults, as armchair diagnoses of people we don't like. there's a myriad of ways to be an asshole. maybe don't contribute to the problem of neglect that creates monsters like the one i could have become.

i am no longer 'a psychopath' because i no longer score on the checklist. but i carry these disorders with me, and i will forever, and i'm grateful that there were people in my life despite it all that loved me anyway.

a disclaimer:

i'd hazard against self-diagnosing these things; you might be on the autism spectrum (most of my close friends are, because we compliment eachother quite well in how our brains work), or have psycopathy-like traits during manic episodes, or have a lack of empathy because of apathy. you might have alexithymia from other causes. etc. i was assessed by both a psychiatrist with a criminology degree and one specializing in personality disorders.

[blubushie]

do you tell people irl you have aspd?

Hahahaha. No.

Listen. Most people don't know what the fuck ASPD is. But they do know what a sociopath is—or at least have their own idea of what one is, an idea which is practically always incorrect.

So me having to tell someone I have ASPD has always gone "Hey, I want you to know something about me. We're good mates and I figure you got a right to know. I have ASPD." And they always ask what ASPD is. "Antisocial personality disorder." And if I leave it at that I get dropped, cause people always look it up when they get home and I get dropped for lying by omission and not calling myself a sociopath and thinking I could "get away with hiding what it really is" or something. And if I do explain cuz they don't know what ASPD is, it goes "Aka sociopathy. I'm a sociopath." And then I usually get dropped cuz Things Start Making Sense and people have seen too many horror movies.

Or, y'know, I get fired from a job I really enjoyed cuz they consider me a liability. Cheers, M*lbourne.

So I just. I don't fucken tell people. I've got comorbidities and most of my ASPD symptoms/traits I can brush off on those conditions as traits of them. I have low empathy cuz I'm autistic. I'm aggressive because I have trauma and haven't learnt how to cope with it. I'm impulsive cuz of ADHD, I use aliases because of my job, I'm hypersexual because of the CSA I experienced, I do crime cuz I like money and I'm fucken gay, I don't know. I don't tell people about the conduct disorder I had as a kid preceding my trauma, or that I've used aliases long before I started my job, or that I was medicated for my ADHD and certain traits just never changed regardless of how high the dose was until we puzzled out it was because they just weren't the result of ADHD at all.

(Like run-on sentences. Unfortunately that's just how I talk. What's a semicolon?)

So yeah, I just. Don't fucken tell people. I was diagnosed in early February of 2019 at 18 years old as ASPD nomadic subtype with secondary paranoid traits (there's assumed to be a convergent type between malevolent and nomadic but I don't know the name of it and it's not a confirmed subtype, but there's suspicion that's my ACTUAL subtype if it's real), found out I'm also a psychopath when I went to a therapist in M*lbourne a few weeks, and I just. Don't fucking tell people.

My dad knows. Mum knows. My biological brothers don't, but my adoptive brother does. I've confided in mates from high school and I guess 2 years ain't shit cuz they'd all ghosted me after. I told my ex after we'd been dating 4 months and got an earbashing and she very briefly dumped me for a week to "figure things out". And I didn't talk to her a week, and there's nothing quite like desperately wanting to tell someone you're sorry and not being able to because you know you can be really intense sometimes and there's no way for you to approach someone to apologise without them being afraid. And that's hard—she knew about every symptom I had. It wasn't new. But you slap the label of sociopath on it, and now when she looks at you there's a fear in her eyes what wasn't there before. And she wasn't afraid before, when she thought it was just anxiety or autism or OCD or trauma. But "sociopath" is a scary word.

So no, I don't tell people. I let them get to know me first and learn that despite how weird or creepy or unsettling I can come off as, I'm actually harmless. And then if I feel I can trust them to not be ableist about it or turn on a dime and assume the worst of me—and only then—maybe I'll sit them down and be honest.

[shrimpmandan]

don’t answer if ur not comfortable but how do u differentiate truly having a harmful paraphilia from intrusive thoughts abt it? im someone who has intrusive thoughts abt 2 out of the big 3 as well as other sexual things that can’t be done morally and i often stress that that means i am a paraphile (ik that’s a broad term but i don’t like specifying which ones yknow).

to my understanding, non offending big 3 paraphiles experience with their attraction seems similar to intrusive thoughts because they cause distress and such, so i guess im wondering abt where the distinction lies? i also find the psychological aspects of sex and sexuality interesting in their own right so beyond my own concern i’d be interested to learn cuz it’s just really fascinating

thanks dude!! :)

No worries at all anon! This is a HUGE SpIn of mine and I'm always happy to provide any perspective, even if I'm not a professional and all that.

The biggest distinguishing factor between an intrusive thought and a regular thought is if it's voluntary, and if the thought is welcomed or wanted. Intrusive thoughts are out of your control and often incite feelings of revulsion, disgust, discomfort, fear, anxiety, or rejection. They are thoughts that you want OUT of your brain as soon as possible. When you talk about paraphilias, the waters can muddy a little.

Paraphilias do not necessitate that the thoughts are unwanted. This may be true of paraphilic disorders, wherein the patient experiences clinically significant distress over their paraphilia (this doesn't necessarily refer to one of the big three!), but it's not inherent. A lot of paraphilic fantasy rejection can come from internalized shame due to outside social stigma and personal morality... but so can intrusive thoughts. There's no clear cut distinction between the two due to how much influence society has over our thoughts and how we respond to them, HOWEVER, you may want to consider looking into something like POCD.

POCD, while not an officially recognized diagnosis, is a subset of OCD that specifically centers around pedophilia. There exists also ZOCD (zoophilia OCD) and NOCD (necrophilia OCD), however POCD is by far the most well-researched out of these. POCD involves obsessive and/or compulsive behaviors regarding proving or disproving if one is a pedophile, such as through intentionally exposing themselves to distressing imagery on purpose or engaging with intrusive thoughts related to children. More often than not, people with POCD don't end up having any paraphilic attractions at all-- they are worried about the concept of being a pedophile and if they'll enact tangible harm, not grappling with actual attraction.

I've struggled with POCD for some time now, but I'm fairly confident in that I don't have any attraction to IRL children. The extent to which I'll engage with my thoughts is in fiction, and even then, it's more of a curiosity as opposed to something that's a consistent turn-on-- which is in direct contrast to my other paraphilias which are much stronger and carry with them less internalized shame, and more externalized fear over being harassed, abandoned, and/or doxxed. I don't experience fear over IF I'll offend, because I'm confident that I won't under my own circumstances. But this is something that can vary from person to person.

Some potentially helpful further reading:

r/OCD also may be potentially helpful! Plenty of people on there have talked about experiencing zoophilic, necrophilic, or pedophilic OCD. Just type one of those words into the search bar and you'll probably find someone who's going through the same thing.

[maygranted]

I saw your post about Buck being OCD-coded! Can you please say more?? I’ve always read him as being ADHD-coded and I’d love to hear more!

omg ofc i’d love to! i do apologise for how long this post is going to be 😭

so to start off, this all began bc my friend (who has adhd) really related to buck and i (who has ocd) also really related to him so we were like hmm wait a second… adhd AND ocd???

anyway i think one part of him that’s just v ocd coded to me (but also definitely is in combination with rsd from his adhd) is how he tends to catastrophise situations. like he has such severe abandonment issues to the point where he actively obsesses over it, here’s an example !!!

BUCK: Starts out small. Uh, she's-she's canceling plans. She's got to work. She needs to wash her hair or do her laundry, and before you know it, poof. Dropping them off at the airport and never seeing them again.

HEN: Okay, Buck, you're being a little too Buck about this.

like it’s just a very irrational line of thought and u can see how hen says oh you’re being a little too buck abt this bc it’s common for him to exaggerate situations he obsesses over in his mind. and then in turn to alleviate this anxiety somehow he begins to cling bc all his irrational thoughts are telling him that people will leave

and then ofc there’s the situation where after chimney’s left he feels so heavily responsible for it (responsibility ocd ) to the point where he says he’ll leave the 118. like that’s such an irrational line of thought that his mind has catastrophised from obsessing over it.

and then also the tsunami episodes <3 like ofc he feels responsible for chris it’s a normal response but the way he actively obsesses over losing chris and that that makes him a terrible person and he has such severe guilt over it is just v moral ocd and responsibility ocd to me? so he searches for chris to the point where he’s severely dehydrated and bleeding and he still doesn’t stop that’s just a v obsessive thing to me does that make sense??

here’s an explanation of hyper-responsibility related to ocd, which btw sounds very buck coded to me:

But what happens when someone overestimates their responsibility? What happens when someone feels that they can control things that they cannot actually control? These feelings might even seep into relationships—feeling like they can control how someone else feels, or feeling that they are responsible for making everyone happy or content. This can create people-pleasing patterns and make them constantly feel the need to put others’ needs in front of their own. This can look like saying yes to things they do not want to do but feel they need to do, lest someone get upset with them. Or, they may think, “If I don’t do this, then something bad might happen.” […]

Anxiety and guilt are often at the root of an inflated sense of responsibility. The person with OCD thinks of all the possible repercussions of not acting in a particular scenario. They feel guilty for possible negative outcomes, often engaging in magical thinking—believing that their ideas, thoughts, actions, or other things can impact the world around them. This results in compulsions, which can take on many different forms; for some, it may involve very detailed rituals they feel they must perform to prevent something very specific from occurring. For others, it may be a vague need to do something “just in case” or to feel like everyone will be safe.

and then ofc there’s my gifset where he’s developed a compulsion bc he’s scared he’s still in a coma so he has a list of things he checks </3

anyway i feel like a huge part of this is definitely also projecting bc i personally struggle with moral ocd and responsibility ocd and a lot of guilt bc of that but it’s just something i’ve noticed a lot with buck, how his mind is constantly jumping to the worst, most irrational conclusion (and irrationality IS a huge part of intrusive thoughts) and so in turn he either feels the need to fix it (bc it’s HIS responsibility in his mind!) by distancing himself bc he’s the problem or clinging. trying to fix something that isn’t even a problem that needs fixing or isn’t even ur responsibility to fix is just a very ocd coded thing to me <3 and i think a lot of this is definitely more related to mental compulsions which a lot of people don’t really know abt and instead assume ocd is just the stereotypical compulsions (washing hands, organising etc which ARE ofc things that happen but it’s not just that!) so he v much falls into that “irrational thought / obsession” —> anxiety, uncertainty, guilt —> compulsion (trying to fix shit, apologising, reassurance) cycle u see with ocd.

i hope this made sense somehow and ty for asking, as u can see i love talking abt this :)) also it’s absolutely ok to disagree with me on this, it’s just something i personally noticed and really identified with due to my own ocd, i just hope i did a good job of explaining it!

[bunnyshipper2001]

Some Kyle Headcanons I Have:

-Short, short, short, springs up to either 5’4” or 5’7” and never grows after that

-He loves his curls but keeps them in the hat because it keeps them out of his face (and he puts it into a ponytail b/c he isn’t giving anybody/anything the opportunity to yank it — he eventually goes no hat at all in 10th grade)

-9/10 is probably Autistic (is also fairly good at masking)

-Has OCD, can’t convince me otherwise

-8/10 has BPD or Bipolar

-Sleep? What sleep? His schedule is an on-and-off relationship

-Gay and Demisexual af

-On the basketball team, volleyball team, track team, and does winter sports recreationally because he’s a sporty boy

-Is also apart of theatre club, student council, and debate team because he wants as many extracurriculars on his college applications as possible (also, he enjoys being apart of various things he takes special interests in)

-He’s really good at playing musical instruments (guitar, violin, and piano specifically) and writing compositions but keeps it mostly to himself for various reasons, most involving Stan

-Insecure af to the point he never actually notices when someone is crushing/in love with him because he’s a) believing he’s undeserving or unlovable, b) oblivious as all fuck, c) misinterpreting all the social cues, or d) all of the above (insecurity is pretty/kind of canon though, lol) 😅

-Adding onto above that he’s praise driven and approval seeking to the point he looses his sense of self trying to live up to others expectations and opinion of him

-Sweater vests, turtle necks, and button-ups with corduroy or dark-coloured slacks (but also sweats when he’s wanting a lazy day)

-Goes back and forth between indie pop and alt. Rock music (his playlists are a mix of both)

-His anxiety and sadness almost always presents as irritation/frustration, so everybody typically assumes he’s pissed off when it’s the exact opposite (which then causes him to actually get angry later on)

-Contrary to what others around him think, he keeps most of his thoughts and feelings to himself (bottled up inside of him). While he’s almost always vocal about his opinions on the world and people around him, things that pertain specifically to himself are kept hidden because he doesn’t want to burden others with his issues (after all the problems he’s had with Stan or seen from him— he feels just as unheard by his sbf and others but he doesn’t feel like he can actually talk about his own problems, especially when Stan has a habit of going into “woe-is-me” and making it all about Wendy or Randy)

-He never actually had a crush on Heidi and has only thought of her as a good friend— his obsession over it was mainly due to two different facts: the first, he saw parts of himself in Heidi (smart, strong morals, wanting to extend a hand to others) and didn’t like he could see himself in that position (abused/misguided) and felt he needed to destroy it so it wouldn’t destroy a metaphorical version of himself. The second, he wasn’t about to turn a blind eye to verbal/emotional abuse, manipulation, or even assault (which, considering Heidi was vegan and Cartman switched her food and lied about it -food tampering- is considered a form of assault, especially as introducing meat proteins to someone who’s been vegan for even a couple of months or year can cause the individual to become physically sick) and his concern was misinterpreted by the girls (who didn’t seem to give a shit about it as they already tried convincing Heidi in a way that pushed her right back into Cartman’s arms and made her less likely to look for help, sadly) as him being in love and Kyle just went with it because he’s impressionable

-Hand gestures (talking w/ hands) and yiddish/hebrew are a must for emphasis— and for insulting people without getting in trouble at school 😈

-Everyone wants to do him, he only wants to do like 2 people if any at all

-Apart of the Petty, Dramatic Bitch™️ Squad (made up of himself, Cartman, Bebe, and Kenny, for clarification)

-Psychoanalyses everyone and everything

-Spends hours thinking about the who, what, when, why, and how of the universe and the human condition— goes down his own self-made rabbit holes as a consequence

-Should have probably been a philosophy professor ngl

Some of these are kinda canon in a way, but also kinda unofficial so whatever 🤷🏼

I have like 20+ more but i’m stopping the list here for now

[cissyenthusiast010155]

So, some people I know say I might have OCD???

I like having things organised, and I get angry or annoyed if they aren't, and if they aren't, I'll stop and organise them. Even when I'm in the middle of a shop, it's been like this for ages now. I have to step one foot in each spot on the pavement when I walk, and it has to be an even amount of steps in each room, I have to turn the light switch on and off 2 times before leaving the room, if not I just won't leave.

I thought everyone did this? 🤔

🙃

Hey love!

First off Please note, I am not a professional. My word does not warrant or prevent the possibility of any medical/mental health diagnosis. This is just my personal opinion. I recommend you seek a professional, for a medical opinion and/or diagnosis.

Questioning who you are and what that entails is very important in life. I’m proud of you for asking yourself these questions and pushing your boundaries!! Your experience and feelings are valid, sweetheart ♥️♥️ I’m honored that you for feeling safe enough to share this! 🥰

On the topic of OCD, I recommend you read up on what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD) entails. The DSM-V catagorizes OCD as an Anxiety diagnoses. Read this article from the American Psychological Association(APA) about what OCD actually is. Read this article from the APA about the changes in criteria of OCD in the newest DSM: the DSM-V.

As to your symptoms and actions, everyone does not do what you described. Some people do, some do it more extreme, some less extreme, and some people don’t do it all. There are also other explanations that could possibly exist for your behaviors, especially anxiety related things like germaphobia, perfectionism, general anxiety, or another phobia of sorts. Just be aware, OCD may not be the answer, or the only answer.

After reading about OCD, if you feel like you want another weighing in opinion, I highly recommend asking a professional. They can provide insight like no other, as that is their speciality.

Let me know how this self-awareness journey goes, sweetness! You are always welcome in my asks and at my blog!! Never refrain from reaching out 🥰 I hope you have a lovely day/night!! 💞💞

Talk with Me ❤️‍🔥

[festeringneondistraction]

I want to write poetry again but its just not happening!

Lately I've been so in my head. So many feelings and worries, its just real mental illness hours so in other words: I'm going through it. I've been journaling and posting and that's all fine and good but usually I can take those base thoughts and flesh them out into poetry! I'm very creatively frustrated right now because I have the urge to create but I just... cant. I try!! I definitely try and its not that I'm being a perfectionist about it at least not consciously. I firmly believe in making not-good art just for the sake of art. Bad art is amazing! But its just lots of stress intrusive thoughts then just TV static. The combination of extreme near constant anxiety, and brain fog.

Just to clarify somethings I'm at a very difficult season of my life right now for a lot of reason. I'm also a bit of an neurological alphabet soup (multiple diagnosis) so this is what I'm dealing with. Side note self-diagnosis is valid and you can kindly leave my blog if you think its not :). I'm just clarifying what doctors have told me and what else might be going on. Also I realize some of these are so co-morbid that its a bit redundant but I'm just listing it anyway.

CONFRIMED: Autism, depression, PTSD, ADHD, Social Anxiety/general anxiety, dyspraxia (also called developmental coordination disorder), dermatillomania, and a nice history of self-harm.

COMPLICATED: Chronic migraine (I do get migraines fairly consistently with aura I've had doctors acknowledge my migraines but no official diagnosis yet) mysophobia, ARFID (its extreme obvious for me that I have very real and severe food issues, I've just never talked to a doctor), dyslexia and dyscalculia. I was pretty much treated for both and struggled in those areas significantly. Just never put on paper to my knowledge.

SUSPECTED: OCD, maybe all of this is just CPTSD? who knows.

What im trying to say is there is a lot to unpack in my brain. For anyone who actually read this far thank you i love you id love to talk :)! But really who knows what's causing what sometimes. And when you struggle with brain fog and poor introspection??? What am I even supposed to do.

Id also like to mention im a daily weed smoker. I try not to smoke all day I try and wait till (weirdly enough) 4:20 is actually a great time of day to start lol. But seriously i at bare minimum wait till 420 I usually try to go a little longer.

Weed is one of the only thing that helps with the anxiety. As I am reading all this back and my landry list of diagnosis is right in front of me.... WOW im a high anxiety person. and there's shit I didn't even mention. It all really loops back to Autism and Anxiety. Its to the point where ill go to a friends house.. im feeling anxious but excited and I think im masking well. Then after like two minutes of talking to me my friend will almost always say "Shade you need more weed." Like damn is it that bad. People find it hard to talk to me sometimes because im so high anxiety these days. It used to be that I could talk to anyone and make them feel comfortable. I might be freaking out the whole time but It used to be that I was so good at masking my anxiety and autism people wouldn't notice.

Also hi! My name is Shade and yes its my actual legal name. This rant about poetry turned into like a mental illness recap and informal intro. If my blog gets even the tiniest bit of attention i'll do a proper more light hearted intro. Just really speaks to the ADHD I guess. I have so much more to say but if I let myself keep typing it will become a compulsion and I wont stop for hours so Im done now :)

[borderlineangeldisorder]

So catching up with my mental health has also encouraged me to catch up on my physical health. Which in return continues to boost said mental health.

I have borderline personality disorder along with other acronyms such as Adhd Cptsd Ocd Anarexia along with fibromyalgia and the subdivisions of disorders that accompany them ; anxiety depression chronic pain fatigue and a whole other list.

This past year ive gone through more traumatic events due to loving someone who didnt deserve the olive branches they kept burning. But i have learned and i will always be coping with them all.

The happy part is me making the effort to change and Not want to rot away in my room anymore just indulging myself in the pain and misery. Because it loved company and ive been a partner since i turned double digits.

Lack of education from my family even friends our shared ignorance did fuel some of the fires i lit. Like i said ignorance to everything with sex drugs love even what healthy relationships look like due to a history of ignorance and misinformation from my family line; generational curses theyre also known as. Which is for my case so true and it hurts looking back at all i wasnt told about. Especially the warning signs "red flags" to know about. I did not know.

Me being the lover girl i am i did learn the hard way. I became aware of what abuse actually is do to an off chance flier i found at a doctors office. Something in my heart and soul cried out to sneak it home and bury it where my abuser (at the time i wasnt aware that was even the word for them) couldnt find it.

I still remember the way i felt Hope tear up in my eye when i read through the simple 3 page flier. That it confirmed i wasnt crazy like my abuser claimed. That they were hurting me and causing my own mind to be damaged. I learned abuse isnt just being hit ; i learned it was also financially and sexually possible thanks to the words on those pages

There was a checklist going into detail about all those different forms of abuse and when i gained the courage to check off the box it opened my eyes to the truth; that the man who claimed to love me would kill me. Immediately i pushed that realization away repressed it with all the abuse i knew for the past 4 years. It took me another year to finally kick him out and that only worked because i lived with my own parents.

Even still it took me another 4 months and him abducting me holding me against my will to go to the police; nd thats because my parents forced me. I was humiliated and ashamed of loving such a man Of him attacking me abusing me using me and forcing me to do things im still ashamed to admit even here. Ive been in and out of therapy on and off medication for yearssssss and just this past 6 months after processing another traumatic relationship did i wake up one day and pray for strength feeling ashamed the entire time.

I decided to start and write again Even if it was a simple This is what ive done today. Even if it was a single sentence. I wanted to do it for me to get my pent up emotions out before me. I dont reread what i write and i stopped trying to be aesthetic or neat i simple put the pen to paper and let flow whatever comes. It has helped lift the weight of my trauma and loosen the grip ugly thoughts have taken hold of me.

Every day i have to make the choice to not rot and to do something anything. I used to feel this pressure (still do but not to suffocating) that i just had to have everything "together" before i could even enjoy anything at all. Ive learned even doing one thing will encourage my mentality to find one more thing to accomplish.

So far after the past few months (yes months its the most important to force myself still most days but it does get easier and more habitual) of truly trying and putting myself out there Out of my bed ive accomplished

A healthier relationship with food and eating habits

Self care such as simply trimming and filing my nails It encourages me not to rip them apart with my teeth

Showering and bathing more regularly (bubble baths are fun!)

Brushing my hair each morning which is turning into each evening before bed

Brushing my teeth in the morning and before bed which honestly was hard for me to implement because i just want to go to bed

Facial hygiene such as actually removing my makeup before bed and then continuing on to wash my face; this has evolved into applying moisturizer to my face after washing; which has helped encourage me to do am skin care as more moisturizer and sometimes a syrum (i only use one for my pores its a niacinamide syrum and does help me even if its placebo i enjoy it so i dont care) And sunscreen but i do it on sunny days or high iv days (a bit ocd as i have a fear of my face drying and falling off Like trench foot but for dry skin: which i also struggle with) Its become a way to self sooth and helps keep the thoughts at bay that i wont die from the sun)

Speaking of sun i started just simply sitting out in the morning and getting the natural vitamin D only the sun can provide My aim isnt to tan but to help those levels as it does affect my mental health like countless others suffering from SAD. It feels good and i like to cloud watch

Trying to limit my screen time Honestly of course this is Not easy I dont have many friends aside from my sisters who i dont really get to see ; ive deleted netflix hulu I do scroll tiktok but give myself a limit of an hour before bed or its 2am before i can stop myself

Reading reading reading I have the same books for years and still i enjoy the stories It also stimulates my mind my imagination and keeps me off my phone

Listening to music without headphones It helps me stay in the moment and encourages me to clean instead of sitting down and getting sucked into my maldaptive daydreaming Which i did use for years as an escape from my own issues and ignore the reality of what needed to be done Its much more fun to dance around and sing along as i clean or blog here

It seems like a lot and maybe it is But making the decision to change and then actually taking the first move to change myself caused this domino affect of self love self care and continuing on to another change in my life.

Every day theres still the choice i have to make on whether i do something or dont. Some days are harder than others and its extremely important to trust yourself your body and learn the signs on if todays the day to dance around doing the housekeeping or pick up a book and enjoy the sun. Its better to keep it slow and trust yourself instead of accidentally burning yourself out which is discouraging. Im still learning and still lack in other areas I am mentally and Physically chronically ill. I have issues im still working out and it isnt easy

But it is possible and its true when the void says Its up to You. Only You can makr the decision between getting up or staying down. Noone is the same and every one has their own desires dreams goal which is what makes this world beautiful and different and fun between the messes and chaos.

You Can do it even if it feels like you cant