#still undiagnosed but i’m getting more and more certain as i think about it

[reinanova]

sooooo i have come to the realization that i’m probably autistic and i’ve had many hyperfixations that are related to what i now realize is probably my special interest: crime

first up, forensic science. it’s been my thing since 6th grade and i’m a year away from graduating with a forensic science degree. clearly crime related

second, criminal minds. a show of crime fighters. pretty self explanatory

third, six of crows. a found family of criminals. again, self explanatory

and finally, my most recent obsession, leverage. once again, a group of found family criminals

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hello! so i’m undiagnosed autistic (though fairly certain) and i’m pretty sure i had a major meltdown yesterday, as i’d seen it coming since i’ve had quite a lot of sudden changes in my daily routine lately.

i was wondering, is it common after a meltdown to have a sort of manic episode the next day? like, yesterday i was sobbing uncontrollably until i almost hyperventilated. my mom made me take my anxiety medication and take a nap, and then today i seemed in much higher spirits and got quite a lot of my chores done when i’ve been struggling to get anything done for a couple weeks. or is that reaction just me going back to “normal”? i’m having a hard time making sense of it all and would love your, or others, input here. i’m still learning about autism and the things that come with it.

thank you!

Hi there,

I found some articles that I think will help:

Hopefully these help. Neurodivergent Insights has this helpful Venn diagram showing the similarities and differences between the two:

I hope this helps. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[top-rhaenyra]

the contrast of rhaenyra's and alicent's experiences with motherhood is so fascinating

I’ve always argued the storyline of being wary of motherhood and childbirth would’ve worked better with Alicent than Rhaenyra.

Alicent doesn’t get to choose who the father of her children is, she doesn’t have access to contraceptives nor can she refuse Viserys when he calls for her.

The themes of forced motherhood and the consequences of this would work so much better with women like Alicent: struggling to love children forced on you, not understanding why you’re not overcome with maternal affection, suffering from undiagnosed postpartum depression etc.

With Rhaenyra it just doesn’t work because unlike Alicent she can choose her children’s father and she can decide when she wants to be pregnant. In the books she has three back to back pregnancies and then stops for 4 years, whilst in the show she has Joffrey eight years after Luke which means she intentionally had a third child. Either way it all comes down to Rhaenyra having bodily autonomy; if she didn’t want to be pregnant she wouldn’t be pregnant.

Also having Rhaenyra be the one who expresses her wish to not have children honestly feels more sexist because the writers are implying not wanting to be a mother isn’t normal, so once Rhaenyra gives birth to Jace she realises the error of her ways and happily has five more. This implication doesn’t sit well with me.

so i wasn’t fair to you anon, and i’ve let this sit in my inbox since may. the reason for this is because i wanted to see how alicent and rhaenyra’s relationships to their children were developed, explained, and expanded on in season two.

regarding alicent and her children:

i think we officially got your wish anon (mine too). while some people may be unhappy with her arc in season 2, alicent has always had a deep-seated love-hate relationship with her children. i’d argue that in season one we also got glimpses into the just…visceral revulsion that she cannot shake when she looks at her children, aegon in particular. but in season two i think she’s truly confronted, in a noticeable tangible way, with the facts of her sons.

obviously, i wish we’d been able to see more of this kind of dynamic back in season one, especially with a younger alicent. however, there are season constraints and we can only see so much in ten episodes (side note: 8-10 episode seasons with a two year wait in between is a rant for another time, but know i’m not being like “yay season constraints!”).

the problem with alicent’s arc and struggle is that so fucking much of it is internal. it is so incredibly hard to show on screen and i find the way its been done so far admirable. up until luke’s death, alicent is lying to herself over and over every day about her relationship to her children, aemond and aegon particularly. once the war starts i believe the tower of lies she’s told herself (this is morally correct, i’m just doing my duty, i was treated well, i’m protecting my children like any mother should) start to crumble. i hate so much that we never got her reaction to aemond killing luke for this reason.

also, to a certain extent she may not ever truly come to grips with her trauma. there are no words for what she went through—marital rape was not a concept then. it still manifests, obviously, but i think we can tell with her repeated insistence that viserys was a decent husband and man [loud incorrect buzzer] that she still thinks she’s the one who’s done something wrong. i’ll be interested to see if the writers ever actually have alicent come to grips with the fact that viserys was, in fact, not a good person or king. personally, i don’t believe they will, but we can always hope.

anyways, all this is to say that: i do believe the themes of forced motherhood and its lifelong consequences are well done and explored with alicent (thus far). people will disagree, perhaps even you, but her eventual rejection of aegon and aemond; her desperate, almost chaotic protection of helaena; her ideas about daeron; all of it really speaks to the struggle she’s had and is going through as their mother.

regarding rhaenyra and her children:

this is more difficult that alicent lol

before i get into my gripes with her story, i do want to push back just a little bit on the idea that rhaenyra truly has bodily autonomy. regardless of when or with whom she gets pregnant, she’s still expected to get pregnant and have children. while its unfortunately not explored, she does need to produce heirs.

now. i agree with you for the most part. rhaenyra’s relationships to her children really make no sense. the only one that’s fleshed out is jace, and while that is interesting in the “she’s doing to him exactly what viserys did to her,” it is not complex internally (in the same way alicent’s is). i also personally see joffery as an oops baby, but who really knows. i don’t even know how to explain her children with daemon. they were plot necessary i guess lmfao

the problem with rhaenyra and her children is that almost all of the critical moments in their relationships happen off screen during the time jump. its a structural tv show problem and it brings up these kinds of issues when looking deeper into the relationships she would actually have. i think the writers did a good job this season of making the internal conflict and intrapersonal strife within team black better, but this is just one of those things thats never going to be explored. in this sense we’ll never really know her true feelings or the development that could’ve happened—which is a massive shame.

my personal headcanon (so take with a grain of salt and don’t come for me), is that rhaenyra isn’t against the idea of children as a teenager, she’s against the childbirth. i believe this both because of the horrors of watching her mother’s repeated miscarriages and eventual death while in childbirth, and her consistent refrain of the desire to be a man. i think she wants, to her core, freedom and, as a woman, having a child requires much more sacrifice than having a child as a man.

i don’t personally see the change from not wanting children to totally wanting children as misogynistic, but i don’t blame you for seeing it that way because of the utter lack of canon explanation for it. again, i wasn’t really fair to you keeping this until season two was finished, but i think both alicent and rhaenyra’s relationships to motherhood were developed well.

[johnslittlespoon]

(tiny headcanon that rly won't have a big effect on plot or anything, but i feel like it just fits very well with john/his character in leaving– dude's got madddd undiagnosed adhd. he's written off as a loud mouth/troublemaker in his childhood, but he wants to be a good kid, his mind is just always going too fast and sitting still is torture and his parents get frustrated and don't look into the root of the problem, trying to discipline it out of him instead. i will heal my inner child by healing him alright)

OMG THIS THIS THIS. because now i’m thinking about gale healing bucky’s inner child in this au :( like i have soooo many thoughts. bucky opening up to him about his parents harsh and strict approach to dealing with his ADHD. the fact that they thought they could discipline it out of him :( ugh that kills me. orrrr imagine gale or one of his friends makes an offhand comment one day about bucky being unable to focus or sit still and it’s a joke but it just sends bucky back to his childhood and he and gale have a long talk it’s fine i’m fine

referenced post | yes!!! in healing john's inner child gale would also be healing his as well because he gets to give john the stability he never had (and in turn finds stability through john <3)

i imagine john's parents would not even register it as adhd and would just blame it all on bad behaviour, it's such a common thing when kids go undiagnosed, especially with neglectful parents. that, or they'd suspect something is up but just not care/have the resources to deal with it, so instead they get frustrated with him and try to discipline it out or bury it.

i think john would genuinely grow up thinking he is a bad kid and being so confused because he doesn't want to be reactive and scattered, he wants to be good and to be liked (also would tie into him being into praise and all that with gale lol). it's not until he's older that maybe he starts to look into it, or maybe he meets someone who points things out to him and is like hey you should get this checked out, or maybe gale's even the one to sit down and do some research and help john make some appointments after john breaks down in tears in front of him one day because he's so frustrated with himself and his brain.

maybe before that outburst john has mentioned little things about how his parents would deal with the behaviours they didn't like, or gale would just pick up on it with the way john apologizes for certain things or gets touchy at certain jokes, etc, and he'd connect the rest of the dots on his own since he knows by that point what john's relationship with his parents is like.

and yowch that scenario :( </3 it would be something so lighthearted that john would feel silly for being affected by it; maybe gale's had a long day and wants to sit down and watch tv together, and john's feeling keyed up but he wants to help gale relax and he's missed him, so of course he joins him. but his leg won't stop going and he's absentmindedly fidgeting and gale puts a hand on his knee and says "do you ever stop moving?"

and gale means it as a light tease, because it's not bothering him; it's more so him opening a conversation for john to tell him "oh, i'm just restless" or "this show is boring" or whatever reason he might be antsy for. but word for word the question is all too familiar to john (even if his dad would say it with a lot more malice) and he abruptly stops moving and gale feels him go rigid under his hand and turns to look at john in confusion when he hears him apologize quietly and finds his face flushed in embarrassment/nervousness.

obviously the tv gets paused and gale asks what's wrong and assures john he's not upset in the slightest, that he was just joking, he's genuinely baffled at what set john off. and so john opens up a little and gale feels terrible, both for unknowingly making john feel for even a second that he was mad, and for john having to walk on eggshells at home over something he can't control (something gale is starting to have a sneaking suspicion he might know the name for.)

i'm not sure i'll go into detail on this in the fic or not, depends on whether it flows because sometimes mental health talk in fics can feel forced if it doesn't fit in naturally yk, but as someone who had these behaviours shrugged off until i got older and got diagnosed and realized it wasn't just a me thing lol, i see so many emotional habits/behaviours with john in this au that could stem from being undiagnosed (among the familial issues).

it would be interesting to pick it apart and see how he and gale would tackle it, especially because adhd is still so commonly viewed as some # quirky silly thing and i don't often see the heavier consequences/affects of it on the person dealing with it/on their relationships written about in the same way say anxiety or depression might be written about. either way, thx for giving me an excuse to delve into it a little here! i feel strongly ab it clearly LOL <33

[chvoswxtch]

Hi 🙋‍♀️ it’s me again

Thank you for being lovely, I’m so glad your requests are open!

Little backstory, I have undiagnosed ✨ spinal issues ✨ which give me chronic back and neck pain. Despite this, I really like the feeling of pressure on my neck and back. Like someone’s firm grip on the back of my neck, or them snuggled up against my back. Idk just that contact makes me feel better.

Lately, my neck has been worse than normal and hurts whenever I do not have it rested against something like a pillow or headrest to help hold it up for me.

I was hoping it would be okay to request a little blurb or something of everyone’s favorite soft bad boy Frank Castle offering to give you a little neck massage?

hi my darling! thank YOU for being so lovely, and thank you so much for the request. you can absolutely request everyone's favorite soft bad boy whenever you want.

I apologize this took longer than I expected to get out, but I hope it brings you the comfort you need! i've dealt with back problems for years (nothing even close to what you're dealing with though, my poor angel) so I totally get how much it sucks when nothing seems to help. I hope today is a better day for you, and you're not in too much pain. if I could snap my fingers & make frankie appear in your bedroom with his magic hands nonnie, I totally would. I hope this helps. ❤️

there's really no warnings for this except frank being cute and sweet as hell. also i'm not sure if the glitch with dark mode has been fixed or not but if you're on dark mode, you may have trouble viewing this. I apologize for any inconvenience reading in advance! word count: 1.5k

magic hands.

A soft whine of discontent slipped past your lips as a surge of pain shot down your spine. You gingerly rubbed at the back of your neck, trying to alleviate some of the distress that was plaguing your entire spinal cord. No matter what you did, the pain didn’t go away. If anything, the more you tried to soothe the sting, the more the discomfort spread throughout your neck and back. Soft pillows and heating pads seemed to provide a little help, but not enough to where you felt like you could function normally. Hell, even holding your own head up was sometimes unbearable. 

“You alright?”

You jumped slightly when Frank’s gruff voice cut through the silence of your bedroom and winced when you turned your head a little too quickly for your body’s liking.

“Shit, I didn’t even hear you come in. You have to make noise when you get here, we talked about this. You’re seriously gonna send me into cardiac arrest one of these days.”

Frank had snuck up on you one too many times, and you were certain that’s how you were gonna go. Death by shock because your boyfriend likes to test how prepared you are for a surprise intruder. You’d think by this point he’d have given up on his lessons, but if anything it made him double down even harder on them. Frank didn’t budge when it came to your safety and preparedness.

His eyes narrowed slightly as he studied your form, and you quickly removed your hand from your neck despite the lingering burn. Your relationship with Frank was still a bit new, and you weren’t sure how to approach certain topics without feeling a twinge of anxiety. You hated hiding things from him, but you also weren’t sure how to bring it up. Frank was already very overprotective, and you knew without a shadow of a doubt he would never make you feel like a burden like others had in the past, but it was still nerve wracking. You two were still in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship where everything was fresh and exciting and new; everything a chronic illness wasn’t. You wanted to stay in your little bubble outside reality for a while longer. You wanted Frank to keep feeling the excitement of something fresh and new too. You wanted him to keep feeling that “honeymoon” way about you. 

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t look fine. What’s botherin’ you?”

“My neck’s a little stiff, that’s all. Think I slept on it wrong.”

Frank arched one of his dark brows quizzically, leaning against the doorframe of your bedroom as he folded his arms over his chest. He nearly took up the entire frame. God he looked good today. Well, he looked good everyday. It really wasn’t fair. He probably didn’t even take five whole minutes to get ready this morning. It must be nice to be able to just wake up and-

“You’re a shit liar, you know that?”

You gawked at Frank’s blunt admission, your mouth hanging open slightly as he stared over you with a light smirk tugging at the edge of his month. 

“I am not.”

“Are too. You got no poker face, sweetheart. You couldn’t lie to save your damn life.”

You mirrored Frank’s actions as you crossed your arms over your own chest, wincing slightly as the motion pulled at the furious muscles in your back.

“Well, excuse me for not being good at being shady.”

Frank’s smirk dropped the second he caught your wince. He let out a deep exhale as he made his way over towards you, taking a seat on the edge of your bed and placing his large hand on your knee.

“C’mon honey, talk to me. I can see you’re in pain. Don’t bother lyin’. What is it?”

A heavy sigh escaped your lips. There was no use trying to argue with Frank when he was adamant about something. He would get what he wanted out of you, by whatever means necessary. His other methods would be deliciously tempting if your body weren’t actively betraying you. 

“It’s…my neck, and my back. They’ve been bothering me a lot lately, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to make it better. I’ve seen so many doctors about it, and I still don’t really have any answers. I kinda just…have to wait for it to pass.”

“Why didn’t you say somethin’ sweetheart?”

Because I was scared you wouldn’t think I was new and exciting anymore. 

Because I was scared you would think I was too much.

Because there’s nothing sexy about chronic pain. 

“I…guess I didn’t want to bother you with it.”

“Bother me? Why would somethin’ you can’t control bother me?”

It sounded stupid when it said it out loud, like it was the simplest thing in the world.

“What can I do?”

Your brows furrowed slightly as you looked at Frank, noticing the sincerity swirling around in the depths of dark brown.

“What?”

“What can I do to make it better?”

“Oh…um, I’m not sure. I’m still figuring that out.”

Frank rubbed at his chin with his palm, eyes scanning over your body like he was looking for some kind of invisible clue.

“What’s it feel like? More of a soreness or sharp sting?”

“Uh…little bit of both. Kinda depends.”

“What’s it feel like right now?”

“More on the sore side, like I just got hit by a truck hauling a bunch of other very large trucks.”

Frank tried his best not to laugh as he shook his head slowly, kicking off his boots as he looked at you with a warm smile.

“Okay, I can work with that. You mind if I try somethin’?”

“Not at all.”

Frank carefully moved to sit behind you against the headboard, stretching his legs out on either side of yours. His large hands hovered over your shoulders as he leaned in to speak quietly into your ear.

“If this hurts at all, even a little, tell me and I’ll stop, yeah?”

You nodded slowly as you closed your eyes, enjoying the feeling of Frank’s strong chest pressed against your back. You found yourself instinctively leaning back into his embrace, finding relief in the warmth of his body heat and the pressure of him pressed against you. A loud sigh flew from your mouth when his large hand wrapped around the base of your neck and applied a bit of pressure. He halted immediately, and you could feel his heart thrum against your back.

“You alright?”

“Yeah…yeah, that felt really good.”

Frank squeezed the back of your neck gently, rubbing his thumb in slow circles and applying a little more pressure every time. Gradually he began to massage at your shoulders and the top of your back, kneading his fingers into your aching muscles. His hands were so warm and the force behind them felt divine. Your body hadn’t felt this relaxed or loose in so long, it made you want to cry.

“How you doin’, pretty girl?”

“Feels amazing, Frank. Please keep going.”

“Sure thing, honey. Whatever you need.”

Your head dropped between your shoulders as Frank worked out every ounce of tension in the angry tissue covering your neck and back. It seemed even your body couldn’t deny the magic of Frank Castle’s hands as the vengeful pain succumbed to the sweet relief of his affection. You lost track of how long you sat there in his lap, but you could have sat there forever. It wasn’t just his hands that made the discomfort melt away. It was him. 

It was the comforting pressure of his presence, being able to feel the strength of his heart’s rhythm against your skin, and the blazing warmth that radiated from deep within him. It was the thrill of having his hands on you, knowing exactly what those hands were capable of, and reveling in the juxtaposition of how rough and heavy they felt on your skin with such delicate motions and care. It was the spicy earthiness of his cologne that draped over you like a blanket, lulling you further into the safe haven that was simply Frank.

“You have magic hands.”

Frank chuckled lowly as you settled further into his chest, brushing his nose along your cheek before pressing a sweet kiss in the same spot.

“That right?”

“Mhm. I mean I already knew that. You’ve proved to me plenty of times you’re good with your hands. But you’re really good with them.” 

“Glad you think so, sweetheart. How you feelin’?”

“Better. So much better. Can we stay like this for a while longer?”

“Course. Only place I gotta be is right here with you.”

[binabees]

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I love fictional villains.

And there’s lots of reasons. Especially when you’re standing from a literary or entertainment standpoint. But lately I’ve been thinking about it from a more personal standpoint. Because I’ve always liked villains. Way before I could think of a good well written reason why.

I think it’s because I feel like a lot of my instincts lean towards the “villainous”. I’m obsessive. Impulsive. Selfish. Self-absorbed. And Occasionally mean-spirited. But I constantly keep this contained to the best of my ability. I know it’s not the “right” way to act. And while these things come naturally to other people it does not for me.

I believe good is what you do so I don’t think I’m a bad person my any stretch. But I’m acutely aware that I certainly could be. It sometimes upsets me that my politics and philosophy don’t come from a place of altruism. I believe in acting compassionately cause I think it’s the logical thing to do not cause I have a bleeding heart. Cruelty is an irrational response. And I won’t be irrational.

And certainly everyone has to work at being kinder. But I’m acutely aware of this huge gap. It forces me to make my circle small. I can only genuinely give a shit about oh so many people. Trying to expand beyond that is trying to bridge a gap that feels so much wider for me than most people.

And perhaps this is just being human and every feels this way. I don’t know. I’m not everyone else

So there is comfort in seeing a character on screen acting out on my worse impulses. Not because of some power fantasy. I don’t /want/ to act that way. I quite literally can’t help that my brain leans that way. Probably some undiagnosed personality disorder rotting away up there.

There is comfort in seeing a character on screen acting that way because often I get to see that character still be loved. In some way shape or form.

Perhaps it’s just a group of fangirls messaging across the globe saying they understand X villain and in some small way understanding me as well. Perhaps it’s some other character in the text seeing the snarling maw of the metaphorical black dog and finding something worthy of love.

It is cathartic seeing someone objectively worse than me travels further and longer than I have and still manages to come out loved.

There’s a comfort in seeing characters who are a warped mirror version of myself slowly coming to the same conclusions I have. That kindness is logical. It’s for the best. For everyone. Even if it doesn’t make sense to you in the least.

When I was at my lowest, certain that Kylo Ren was going to be redeemed at the end of his trilogy, I would say “If Ben can make it so can I”

Though he didn’t live he came out loved.

I like the thought of walking through the darkest parts of my heart and coming out loved.

And I’m so afraid I won’t be. Villains, anti-heroes, morally grey characters… they make that fear a little less painful. Because I know at the very least no matter how they shake it out they are loved by at least one person. Even if that person is just me.

[seasickzig]

Hey, I have a scifi WIP I've been working on for a long time and during a recent (and ongoing) flare of what I'm almost certain at this point is undiagnosed hEDS, I've decided to give my favorite character (he's the tritagonist and already has a whole plot around him) undiagnosed hEDS as well. Any tips for writing it? I'd like it to be subtle enough in the first few books that only other people with EDS would pick up on it qnd have it as a headcanon, and then bam! Actual confirmed diagnosis later on in the series when it's least expected. Do you have any advice for accurately and respectfully writing a character with undiagnosed hEDS? Thank you!!

Hi! Thanks for the question! I want to preface this by saying that my current diagnosis is Hypermobility Syndrome, and I’m waiting to see a geneticist for an EDS diagnosis!

I think the best way to write an undiagnosed character would be to write about how they cope with their symptoms before knowing that what they were experiencing isn’t normal. I knew I was flexible and got uncomfortable easily long before I realized that most people don’t feel discomfort and pain after staying in the same position for more than five minutes! I thought everyone felt similarly to me and just dealt with it a lot better.

Some things I did to cope with my symptoms before realizing they were abnormal were:

1) Ignoring it until I literally couldn’t anymore (leaving me stuck in bed/on the couch for multiple days after)

2) crouching/sitting on the ground anytime I came to a stop

3) Shifting my weight and swinging my legs while standing still

4) leaning on counters, walls, posts, anything that could get weight off my legs

5) taking frequent breaks, especially in the shade. One of my most obvious symptoms prior to diagnosis was heart issues and heat sensitivity!

6) stomach problems, random bad reactions to food that never upset me before, and maybe never will again!

7) Getting extremely fatigued after “simple” tasks like grocery shopping, or even cooking a meal. I need about 10-12 hours of sleep to feel rested.

8) never feeling comfortable! this is my main symptom that I struggle with. I can’t sit, stand, or lay in a position that is comfortable for more than a few minutes. It makes sleeping difficult because I need many pillows to support my body.

Some other things that you could include that I didn’t notice in myself until after doing research are:

1) thin/see through/flexible skin. A lot of people with EDS bruise or get cuts easily because our skin is very fragile!

2) scarring. People with EDS are more likely to form hypertrophic/keloid scars. Thats not always the case, I’m someone who scars very well, but I’m kind of an outlier there!

3) Low reactions to pain medications. Some people with EDS dont get relief from advil/tylenol. And many people with EDS have a high tolerance for local anesthetic! I’m good with general anesthesia, but if I need numbing shots at the dentist, i need more than 4 to feel results.

4) eye issues/migraines. Since connective tissue runs through your whole body, it can also impact how your eyes focus, and your pupils (light sensitivity). Many people with EDS also have Binocular Vision Dysfunction, where our eyes don’t work together to focus on things correctly. That can lead to migraines, car sickness (i get carsick just walking around without glasses), and anxiety around driving (especially at night and on the freeway).

I hope this helps!! Good luck with your book!

[alittlefrenchtree]

See to me- I always just vibed with Alex more than Henry (from the first time I read the book)

And I will admit I was bit ‘eh’ when Taylor (and Nick!!) were announced just because it wasn’t visually what I thought of firstprince but then when I saw them in the outfits and Taylor talking about RWRB I thought yes this is Alex(!) Nick actually had to convince me a bit more.

So, from when I saw the trailer and clips, I was convinced by TZP as Alex and I was impressed by his acting.

But, as everyone says Nick had the chance to shine more. And that is why more articles were written, as well as the obvious (racism). But he had to do several crying/emotional scenes and even the sex scene it was focused on Henry more than alex so he could show the slight facial expressions etc. Hence, Nick could show off a bit more than Taylor could. As even though Alex had difficulties he was largely supported by his family and had Nora. Henry was in a family and Institution that hated him and his dad dying and having to hide himself so Nick could be more sad and emotional whereas Alex’s anxiousness wasn’t a storyline and the divorce was also taken away. This is further proved that Taylor’s most rated scenes were when he discussed racism (which was only talked about once) and his coming out scenes.

But, as I was more drawn to Alex/TZP. From the first time I watched it, I was focusing on them more than Nick/Henry. And I was blown away and as that anon said it is subtle but I think brilliant.

Like, I really feel (maybe I’m wrong) Nick was chosen and asked to play Henry whereas Taylor had to audition for it. So, I do think all the writers and Matthew wanted to give Nick more chance to shine and told him to act things in a certain way(?) Not that they were trying to hinder Taylor but I really feel like they thought Henry is the more emotional one whereas Alex is a bit more laid back but Alex still has undiagnosed ADHD (which again TZP did subtle signals) and anxiety. Like take the eye contact scene in the NYE scene, there was so much more focus on Henry than Alex. Again I do not think Matthew did this in a negative way as he loves Taylor and would not have casted him if he wasn’t convinced but I do think they had a certain vision for Henry.

Sorry for the rant but I just adore Alex and how Taylor played him. To me he is an amazing actor and it is horrible the amount of hate he gets especially as a lot of it if not all is rooted in racism.

Hey there! Thank you for your very interesting message. A lot to unpack in your words so I’m going to try not to be too long.

I wasn’t there before so I didn’t have any opinion on the cast early on but I do understand how hard it is to accommodate with actors when you’ve been sitting with the characters of a beloved book for so long. 

I’m completely on board with connecting with TZP’s Alex first. I’ve already talked about it in a previous post so I’m not going to dwell on the subject but you are right indeed about the difference of treatment between actors of comedy and actors of drama. It doesn’t devalue any of their respective work but it does mean we need to jump on every occasion to praise the performance that are overlooked.

What you said next is really interesting even if I’m not sure I agree.

Firstly, because I don’t actually know how Nick has been attached to the project, if he has auditioned or how he was approached for the project. I only know he was on board first and that they struggled for quite a time before finding the right Alex. So I can’t know if or how the process has had any kind of influence over the making of the movie.

Secondly, I have two other theories about why you might feel that way.

The main one is the way the story is told. The book is a Alex’s POV from start to finish and the movie is mostly an exclusive Alex’s POV so you’re supposed to feel that way. Closer to Alex and falling in love with Henry while he does. You need less focus on TZP’s acting to understand who Alex is and what’s his story because you have many scenes to explain how he feels at any second of the movie. But you need to rely on Nick’s acting to understand Henry because you doesn’t get to see the world through his eyes for the majority of the movie.

And since you’re supposed to be in Alex’s shoes, you get to see specific scenes through his eyes. Like the night in Paris. You’re seeing Henry’s face through Alex’s eyes. Hence the moment being so mesmerizing for the audience.

So yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s why you feel like Nick’s was asked to act a certain way or has more chance to shine. In a sense, it’s probably true but for me it was mostly in the service of the storytelling. Since Alex doesn’t look at himself with the same amount of love he has when he looks at Henry, the gaze on him and the way of acting him is different.

That’s for the artistic part of the theory.

When I read your ask I thought about something else and the lovely reality of capitalism 🩷 Since Nick was casted first and was the most known (and the most white) of the two, I guess his name was the more important for the producers and Amazon during the process of making the movie -- in a sense that they've probably relied on him first to drag attention to the movie and money to their pockets. I don’t know movie paper work enough to know if or how and to which extend it could have influenced the movie but I guess it's a possibility.

Of course none of this is Nick’s fault or depreciate his performance as Henry 💜 But it’s an interesting talk, thank you for stopping by my inbox 🙏😘

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

i’ve been fully in recovery for about 4 and a half months now, and i’m only just now starting to gain a little bit of weight back after continuing to lose during recovery. i’m including this information for a sort of scale for what i’m about to say.

in the last few weeks, i’ve lost my appetite and have gotten really nauseous whenever i eat, which i suspect is the result of some undiagnosed (and unrelated to the ED) health problems that i’m not able to go to a doctor about at the moment. i’ve been hungrier more often and for the first time in a long time, it’s starting to feel good again, even though i’ve been doing so much better for a while. i’m terrified of slipping up without thinking about it and i desperately don’t want to fall back into that awful hole again, but im so scared that my lack of appetite is going to ruin everything and i’ll lose everything.

i don’t even really know my goal with sending this in. i think i want advice, or maybe just somewhere to put this where i can get a response but wont have the people around me stop trusting me with my own health again. im just really scared

Hello anon, I'm sorry to hear you're encountering this complication. You could be right that this is a physical complication from having been starved for so long (and I do advise that you see a medical professional as soon as you are able to do so.)

Do you notice this nausea around eating very specific foods? It could be that your body has developed an intolerance for certain foods, or a difficulty digesting them.

If this nausea is arising in response to every food, I recommend you stock up on things like ginger and peppermint tea, which can ease your stomach and aid in digestion. Then you can work on getting food down and settle your stomach. Try not to move around too much during and immediately after eating. After restriction, it is normal for your body to lack the energy needed for the normal digestive process, so relaxing and staying still may help somewhat ease your symptoms, as your body can focus all its limited energy on digesting what you've given it.

Try to eat small snacks between meals to keep your energy levels up and your stomach accustomed to having things in it. Things like nuts and berries can be good. Anything that's easy to digest and keeps basic energy going to your body.

Do deep breathing exercises and perhaps recite a calming mantra in order to ease any potential psychological portion of your symptoms, but do keep an eye on your physical symptoms. Refeeding syndrome is no joke. Log them down, as well as what you ate preceding the nausea, for when you eventually are able to get to the doctor.

And finally, in between meals, it sounds like you could benefit from taking time to remind yourself to be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. Remind yourself that you are well motivated not to lose your progress, that you have a support system, that you are going to take the time to figure this out, that recovery is not linear. Remind yourself that it is okay to be anxious, and that you will work through this. I hope you're able to get through this part of recovery, anon!

[kitthepurplepotato]

DEAR DEAR LOVE.

OKAY.

I HAD to send this comment as a massage and not in the comments section because I have so much to fucking say.

I think I want to marry you?

First of all the new chapter got me into the six dimension and I can't believe I actually got the courage to read this in the car with my dad so I had to pause and actually get home so I could react to this in peace, and OMG the d-rule.

Perfection.

You have no fucking idea how I fucking love the idea of the mha series happening in this universe and Deku meeting horikoshi and there are no words that can describe my feelings rn but I'll try anyway

You, you bring me happiness and this has become much more than just a fanfic, and I might be exaggerating but who can blame me when I read perfection.

But love, dear, darling, sweetie, I adore you, okay? But please please PLEASE take a break if you need to, your health means much more than us and stupid adorable deku alright? I'm begging you, do not overwork yourself, please

Alright. So have an absolutely amazing wonderful and happy birthday ever, I wish you all the goods and hugs, and everything you could ever wish for, and as always, don't forget to drink, eat, and rest my love! ❤️❤️❤️

I love you so fucking much, I swear your comments are my favorite things on Tumblr! ;D

Not going to lie I kinda thought you’re gonna send me hundreds of questions when I saw your name pop up and I was kinda excited 😂 it’s still exciting though, you made my heart go all TOKIDOKI!!! 💜💜💜

Funnily enough the D-rule thing and the KiriBaku story wasn’t even planned that just happened while I was writing 😂 it was supposed to be a basic confession scene, no My hero academia story or anything but then… Deku decided to overcomplicate the whole chapter but I really like how it turned out and the confession wasn’t as harsh thanks to it so I’m glad!

About your marriage proposal, well, it’s not impossible to be fair, might need to talk to me boyfriend of 10 years about it but he doesn’t look like he wants to marry anyway so you can totally marry me? 😂😂😂😂😂💜

Thank you for all your worries, I swear I’m completely fine! (well, kinda, but it has nothing to do with me overworking myself I’m afraid 😂)

Writing these silly fanfictions make me happy and reading your comments is my favorite thing in life, honestly! I also play the two MHA games on my phone all the time so I swear I’m not just writing and editing every single moment of my free time. The only reason I get overwhelmed is because sometimes i enjoy the chapter I’m writing so much I over-concentrate on it and I give myself anxiety because I have so much to say but everything wants to come out quicker than my fingers can move and then I burn out for a few days. I’m silly like that. (yes, I have undiagnosed ADHD 😂)

(this bit a tiny bit more personal, mostly for Ronimacaroni, but feel free to read it if you are nosy like me haha)

I don’t really know how to do anything without stressing to be honest, even those two games makes me feel like I NEED TO play a certain amount of time with it daily even if I’m not in the mood, otherwise I feel like I’m “neglecting it”. So silly.

I do the same at work by the way, I used to be in management so I always had all the responsibility on my shoulders and I changed my job due to my mental health and went down to operations (so basically just putting stock on the shelves) yet I still manage to freak the shit out and try to sort stuff out that’s not my responsibility. It’s just who I am, trying to everything all at once then making myself sick with it. I’ll try to think about your words the next time I start being an idiot though!

But I swear I don’t only post because I need to and I do take a break when I have to it’s just that I had a random spur of inspiration after my birthday and I managed to write both the Izuku and the Bakugou chapter, all in one go so I was like “why wait if I can post them sooner and read the cute comments that will make me happy” so after I came home from work because I got a flu and had a Power Nap I posted the Izuku one quickly, knowing it will cheer me up 😂

Omg why can’t I shut up I’m so sorry I love you much btw be my friend thank you 😂💜

Tell your dad I said hi! 😂💜 (that sounds so weird omg just shut me up please omg this is as long as half of a shenanigan chapter send help)

Kit

This is me now and Inko is you, listening to my rambling thank you.

[funnyfaceflea]

elementary school teachers can honestly be either 2 types:

some of the nicest people you ever meet

some of the worst assholes you ever meet

in elementary i was fortunate enough to have mostly very angelic teachers or teachers i was neutral towards but there were some that i absolutely dreaded because they would shame me for not grasping concepts quicker than the other kids, particularly in math.

like this one teacher i had when i was 6 years old, she would shame me for “not listening” even when i WAS paying attention to the lesson but i wasn’t able to grasp the concept well like the other kids, which made me feel so bad about myself.

to my current knowledge of right now i have not been diagnosed with autism or adhd but thinking very hard about myself in the past few months i might have a certain amount of undiagnosed adhd in me, but it has always been hard for me to grasp certain concepts such as math, something i’ve struggled with and continue to struggle with in school.

this teacher (will not name her for privacy reasons but we’ll call her L) sometimes made me nervous to go to class in the morning just because of how sensitive I am to even the smallest of negative comments towards me about things i’ve done that were accidents (e.g like idk dropping supplies or forgetting something) and shamed for needing additional clarification after something is said to me. like when a teacher immediately gave up on me after she told me to go bring something to somewhere in the building and i needed to hear the destination one more time. especially when it came to line leading, which i was TERRIBLE at because even when they think the instructions they give are “simple” to them, to me they aren’t and i’m sorry i’m too “stupid” or am “not listening” to adhere by them. thankfully line leading where i am now barely exists and we all walk in crowds but whenever i am tasked being in the front line i get a terrible, terrible feeling of anxiety that reminds me of when i was in elementary.

L wasn’t like this all those two semesters, but mainly from what I can remember it was mainly in the beginning. i hated when my name was called up to the front and i would attempt and prepare myself to be shamed in front of the entire class for taking too long to figure out a problem on a topic that i wasn’t able to grasp quickly enough unlike other students.

also hated computer class. teacher was so mean and she was very loud and had no shame in telling other teachers about me and my little “problems”.

both teachers had made me cry in class (which i often feel embarrassed about) and I’ve heard comments from them like “awww c’mon! we don’t cry in 1st grade!”

BITCH.

THERE ARE FUCKING 6 YEAR OLDS IN YOUR CLASS.

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT LITTLE KIDS TO NOT CRY IN YOUR CLASS WHEN YOU SHAME THEM FOR TINY THINGS?

teachers like that pissed me off and made me feel terrible about myself when i was younger and i still hate them. both of them are retired now but im sure as hell glad they’re not doing this to their students anymore. they deserve love and acceptance into their classroom and as much care as possible when they happen to be slower than other students in terms of understanding concepts correctly.

please don’t feel bad about yourself if someone shames you for stuff like this. everyone learns at their own pace and it’s absolutely okay! you’re just making the world a more diverse and awesome place with being you, and those who accept you for who you are add to the kindness that we are in dire need of these days. you are beautiful and you are a smart human being and i love you and everyone else loves you 🙏❤️🩷❤️🩷❤️

and on a quick additional note:

🖕

fuck this poster to hell

(also sorry for making pretty dramatic posts in terms of drama stuff lately, i’ll go back to making cranium command and buzzy-related posts and masa posts again i promise)

[athetos]

I honestly have no fucking idea how I went to college for 4 straight years full time without dropping out. Undiagnosed narcolepsy and adhd, unmedicated, I spent multiple semesters not even on antidepressants, or worse, on ones that made me violently ill, had a month-long bout of a stomach disorder I didn’t even know I inherited from my dad, spent half that amount of time in an abusive relationship, plus a ton more of vastly complex and out of control interpersonal drama, like I barely survived at all tbh but I somehow managed to get a degree? And 3 fucking minors? By the time I was 22? I barely attended some of my classes, people were so used to me falling asleep in the hallways that they’d just step over me and put my coat on me like a blanket, I only passed a couple of classes because I cheated on exams and broke down in the professor’s office and they pitied me, but I fucking did it?

Like, if I went back and time and did it all over again, only this time properly medicated and with a real support group, I would probably have a fucking 4.0, be in 5 clubs, did that crazy double major I joked about, and my life would be so unrecognizable. I’d be in a PhD program right now at some prestigious university and… okay, let’s be real, I probably wouldn’t be making more money than I am right now because I’ve seen what they fucking pay grad students, but that’s just insane to me, how differently my life could have turned out. Or maybe it wouldn’t be different. Maybe it would be the same, or maybe it would even be worse. Like, I’m dating a milf who’s 9 inches taller than me, so maybe this is the best timeline.

Yet, it’s kind of… both funny and depressing to know how fucked I get right now if I don’t have my meds, even if I’m not in a depressive episode. I can barely function without them. I’m asleep more than I am awake, I can’t focus, I have no energy, and if I go more than just a few days without my antidepressants I have full-on mental breakdowns and am borderline-suicidal. So, this of course means 1 of 2 things must be true. Either I wasn’t this fucked up in college, and my disorders must have worsened over time, or I was this fucked up and still forced myself through a degree. The second is probably the most likely, to be honest. And you might be thinking, “Ash, can’t you just remember and compare your symptoms?” You have to understand that I was so unbelievably stressed at some points that huge chunks of time spanning weeks is permanently locked away in my Repressed Memory Vault, and I was also a victim of gaslighting from someone who very much wanted me to believe I was crazy, but also was incredibly adamant I did not receive help (hence partially why I was undiagnosed and unmedicated). My memories aren’t really all that reliable, and the other thing is, I thought the narcolepsy part of it was normal. Or, well, that I was just lazy. I didn’t know what narcolepsy was beyond dramatizations in tv shows. I didn’t see my symptoms as symptoms, and therefore, I didn’t really keep track of them, if that makes sense.

All this to say, I think wishing my life turned out differently isn’t healthy and leads nowhere. I still ruminate on it from time to time, but it’s less from a depressive angle and more because I’m angry as hell that a lot of people failed me in my life during that time period. I should have been diagnosed and medicated, god knows I’ve seen enough therapists and doctors. I should have had a friend that would have helped me get the fuck out of that relationship sooner. I should have had more people supporting me and taking me seriously. But things turned out this way, and I gotta make my peace with that. I might be in a “better” place if things went differently from a certain viewpoint, at least career-wise, but it could be worse in other ways I’d never know. I need to put my energy into making sure the life I’m actually living is the best possible one for me. That’s all that matters.

[americanrecord]

u totally should nott have told me u like answering these kinds of questions lol bc u set me offff 😭 i just have so many!! like this rewrite is genuinely the thing i’m most looking forward to and i’m not kidding))) since we’ve already talked abt the boys..fuck the boys…the girls are where it’s at!! inez and val’s relationship, is it gonna be any different? how are the altered personalities going to mesh/interact? so fun! love, always

omg girl, that's what i used to all day, everyday, on my old blog until like the beginning of this past summer! i love talking about the writing, characters, etc <3 and it always tickles me to know that people care enough to ask. i do feel like i know enough about my universe at this time to answer most things too, whereas a lot used to be shrouded in mystery back on the other side of things.

but, anyway, fuck the boys fr. this is true, i only care about the girls. as for inez and val's relationship, it's not too different. i would say they actually retain some of the most similarities. the plot rises and falls the same way for them in book 1 as it did with the og. but their dynamic is a bit different. firstly, not that it impacted too much, but i did drop valerie's old crush on inez, solely because i didn't really want to have two pairs of best friends with romantic (requited or not) history. it would feel repetitive and not as special, and dean and lex's past relationship definitely impacted an overall plot to a greater degree. so that "having a crush on inez" void in val's past was just filled by an ex-gf who's mentioned from time to time and may or may not make an appearance later on.

other than that, let's see...

well, firstly, inez does gain what i believe was my biggest grievance with maintaining the character of jill: a backbone. she retain's jill's know-it-all sense, but it's infused with a certain confidence (stubbornness) that jill lacked. she doesn't keel over when told, and while still a kind-fronting person, she does have that mean streak that is backed up by her ability to hold her own. it just makes her more of a difficult presence when valerie and lex get going, because she not only objects, but really means it (there is also a bit better of context surrounding her feelings on lex) and pretty much does everything in her power—too much—to try and interfere with their relationship in the name of "knowing what's best for valerie." and we all know how valerie feels about people who think and act like they can make decisions for herself better than she can.

valerie, on the other hand, has softened a considerable amount. i really liked where she ended up toward the end of the original work, where she was very sensitive and introspective, so i sort've worked my way back and implemented this from the beginning. i thought it was much more realistic a characterization for somebody with her type of trauma, and it's also in line with her [currently undiagnosed] OCD, which in general has her pretty tense and vigilant at almost all times. her obsessions and compulsions mostly start out revolving around the fear of contamination, and that combined with her deadly catholic guilt just keeps her very particular and maybe not the easiest to get along with unless you're willing to put the effort it. not many people are. inez is one of those people, however, so she's quite protective over her and is very in tune to all of her various needs, maybe to the point where she's not ready to accommodate the idea that somebody else is also down to be the same. valerie also suffers from chronic loneliness due to her night shift and initial isolation from the music sphere, which inez does not (she's friends with everyone in the band and even other bands sans lex at the story's start), so that also contributes to their eventual explosion. valerie is lonely and finds lex/wants connections beyond the one she has with her best friend, and inez is super protective over her and doesn't realize that she has what valerie wants (romantic/sexual/platonic connections galore). i think it makes sense that valerie ditches the moment she senses that rapunzel/mother gothel thing she felt with her mother with inez.

THAT being said, they're still besties despite their clashing work schedules, and they do recover by the end of the story. details to be seen in the story itself... <3 i mostly think these character differences make so much sense and still thankfully create a similar dynamic. valerie spent her whole childhood being repressed so that she's sort of internalized that docility and struggles to like, break from it? which is what makes lex so exciting, and then inez—who, while free of a traumatizing childhood, did grow up with four other siblings and was frequently talked over/reduced to the "baby sister" so that she wants to make sure her voice is always heard and essentially does just that. whether or not she's right isn't always what's important (sometimes she is), it's just that she can be a bit stifling with valerie's freedom in book 1, which is a lesson she has to learn. (where valerie then has to learn that sometimes people looking out for you has a purpose and they're not just doing it to do it.)

see, the best thing about rewriting is having the whole story in ur head already so that you're not just sorta winging it as you go and hoping the pieces connect. now, i can actually defend the plot and the characterizations, and they feel so much more cohesive! i love them, and i love their new versions more than i do their ogs <3 they feel even realer.

so, thanks for asking! and please know that i will accept every question always. i clearly love talking, and i love distractions from my boring ass internship even more. also -- if beta-reading the rewrite is something you're interested in, let me know! it would probably be the quickest way to see it because who knows what the battle of publication will look like! just message me or something if so <3 i think i have room for one more!

[texturralize]

Writer of my broken soul. What has happened to the svss fics? Are you okay? Who do I need to fight for you cause I rely on those fics more than an online shopper relies on their credit card.

it’s just..kind of a unfortunate timing kinda thing..something just really discouraged me and hit on some social trauma I have and I’ve been in a funk and need to take a break from my sv fanfic. the other night I sat down to write and someone messaged me on twt to join a sj fan server.

I got super excited bc I still hadn’t ever found a sj focused server and he is (obviously) my fave. when I got in, someone mentioned being fan of my fics. so I searched them just bc I was kinda curious. well..there were a few nitpicks things here and there which is fine. but ig one of my fics, because I forgot a tag, showed up in some people’s feed even when they set their filters, and it bothered them. there were some really hurtful things said..stuff like oh you can’t trust this author, can’t believe they did this, it was disingenuous, they wanted to toss themself down the stairs from sheer disgust, it was creepy, people wanted to block me, they felt mad anytime they saw my name…it was bordering on fic/author bashing and I was shocked the conversation just continued like normal and was allowed…so I got uncomfortable and left the server.

I don’t really blame the server itself or the people who talked about me, multiple people have sent me DMs saying they felt bad and like my work and that was really sweet. one of the people who said stuff also apologized for it so it’s not like I hold a grudge. it’s just, stuff like this is kind of hard to deal with for me. it’s not that I’ve never encountered hate comments or anything on the internet, I think I was just blindsided by the situation..no one expects to encounter stuff like that in what should be a safe space for fun and ideas you were invited to. I let myself get excited and wasn’t expecting it so it really affected me.

it’s just unfortunate that it happened in that way because though I’m sure no one specifically meant to hurt me, like I said, this kind of triggered some social trauma for me. as someone who grew up with undiagnosed autism, I’ve often felt hurt and silly when I entered spaces and didn’t realize people didn’t like me until too late. I spent a long time unable to explain why I felt certain ways when these things happened bc I didn’t even understand the way my own brain worked. I also have a very direct way of communicating and don’t say things unless I mean them, so the idea of venting and being aggressive abt something but not ‘really meaning it’ is hard for me; it’s hard to understand that someone could say such cruel stuff but not take it seriously. so my brain catastrophizes and won’t let me forget what happened and there’s dysphoria when I perceive rejection, dislike, aggression, etc. BECAUSE I take those things so seriously. and I also would never bash someone or their fic bc I know fic is made from love and is 100% free so it’s hard for me to get past it y’know?

just to reiterate..I’m not mad at anyone, I don’t think anyone is a bad person. they said they made a mistake speaking like that about someone and will keep in mind what I said when we talked. I’m sure there are plenty of people in that server who like my stuff and don’t want to see me discouraged…

god, it’s just really hard, you know? it’s been a while since something really managed to hurt my feelings. I guess I just felt stupid, and kind of humiliated. it’s that feeling of walking into a room only to realize you’re the punchline…

so..yeah it just kind of has me in a funk, as someone who’s struggled to make friends and connections in fandom too despite how ‘easy’ it’s supposed to be. I’m still kind of disappointed that something I got excited over exploded so much in my face and didn’t work out. but overall I mostly just tripped into a depression spell and it’s making me feel bad to look at my work so..I decided to take a break from it. to people who like my stuff…I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to take anything away from people who really liked it. I just want to feel better.

the last time I felt this bad was a few years ago, when someone did something really horrible to me and it upset me so much and took the joy out of the fandom I was creating content for, because it was something we did together. I’m not really upset over the specifics of what was said, just the experience and how similar it was to things I’ve went through in the past. I’m upset over the fact I don’t feel like it’s fun to write right now, and I don’t want to lose this special interest like I did my last one…so yeah, just kind of sucks overall.

I hope no one feels bad about what happened for a long time. just..unfortunately, I probably will, and maybe taking a break will help..idk

sorry :(

[noxexistant]

Ayyyy ty :)

This has probs already been said but Oscar is also autistic. I don’t make the rules.

especially in your au with Morris. He knows he needs to protect his bro. He can’t show weakness. But he still struggles with figuring out what people mean (eg thinking Medda was trying to hurt morris in that last fic, thinking she was mocking mo with the stimming blah blah blah)

my boy needs a hug so bad <3

I’m gonna write a fic about someone offering him comfort and him not knowing how to accept it so he just gets mad and pushes them away. would yall like to see it? - 🤠 anon

REAL!!! SO REAL!!

i like the idea that he goes undiagnosed in the modern au too. largely by his own decision, because medda offers to get him assessed - first at the same time as morris, which oscar refuses because he wants to make sure morris gets all the attention and support, and then afterwards, which oscar refuses because he knows he’s not like morris, so clearly he can’t be autistic. and also he just…doesn’t really want to know. he’s afraid of the revelations that’d come if he is. he’s terrified of being vulnerable. medda tries to assure him that a diagnosis won’t change anything, but oscar isn’t having it.

he also has a lot of issues with ableism, at least when he’s younger. their parents and subsequent carers treated morris like dirt, and all he ever saw was his little brother being helpless and having meltdowns and messing up at stuff. it gets better as he grows up and starts actually trying to understand how morris’ brain works beyond just knowing that he can’t do certain stuff and gets upset easy but is also really good at other stuff, but there’s still a lot of stuff that he was raised with that he has a hard time letting go of. his idea of autism, when he finally builds it, is just morris - he doesn’t understand that it’s a complex spectrum that he could still be on. morris is the centre of the universe to him, the very core of his worldview.

like you said, oscar absolutely struggles with tone most, and tends to thus interpret everything in the worst-intentioned way possible. he has the exact opposite of all of morris’ sensitivities - he’ll eat anything, sleep on concrete with no problems, has a very high pain tolerance, can’t read his own body cues like hunger or thirst. he gets very restless, but his stims are much more subtly autistic than morris’ - hitting his palms together, pacing, crossing his arms and squeezing them, tapping his foot. he’s the type to click pens relentlessly and tap them and spin them, tosses his head back and cracks his neck when he’s bored or frustrated, cracks his knuckles - he likes those ones ‘cause they make people anxious.

he so desperately needs the opportunity to just…be himself. have someone pay real attention to him, which medda tries so hard to do but he just won’t let her. he only knows how to be morris’ big brother, morris’ caregiver, morris’ world to go hand-in-hand with morris being his. he’d break anyone’s nose if they tried to hug him, then try and break their jaw if they tried again, but if they managed he’d break into pieces. he has to try so hard not to every time morris crawls into his arms, tries to hold oscar like oscar holds him.

i would absolutely LOVE to read that fic if you write it and are up for sharing it :’) <3

[pokichusramblings]

Hi, it’s disability pride month and I would like to talk about the things I struggle with, that I believe are related to OCD and OCPD, both disorders I’ve been diagnosed with.

I believe that I am undiagnosed with autism and/or ADHD, I have a psychology appointment in august about it.

But regardless, this stuff is about the OCD/OCPD

Speaking of that, I am obsessed with symmetry. If I accidentally hit something with one hand, I have to hit the thing with the other hand. If I hear a horrid noise on one side, I have to hear an equally horrid noise on the other side. It’s awful.

I suffer from intrusive thoughts. The most disruptive of mine are the judgmental ones about other people. But I also get intrusive thoughts about me being a bad person, bad friend, bad girlfriend, etc. I get intrusive thoughts that suggest that I do bad things, like lying and stealing. I get intrusive thoughts.

I have awful imposter syndrome. I believe that I’m faking my struggles, that I’m only pretending to love my friends and family, that I clearly can’t be as good a person as people think I am, and that I (somehow) fake my creativity. All these thoughts weigh on me and I constantly feel awful. Logically, I know I’m not a bad person. But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like a liar, a cheater, and a horrible person all around.

I make instant judgements about people that often don’t make sense. If someone talks a certain way, I subconsciously assume they’re stupid. If someone looks a certain way, I assume they’re going to be mean. I know these things aren’t true and I am nice to everyone despite these judgements, but sometimes I need to avoid certain people because I am scared that I’ll accidentally say something awful to them.

I am a perfectionist. Everything I do, everything I make, everything I say MUST be perfect. I have to be perfect. If I’m not perfect I an horrible and a failure. The worst part is that I don’t only hold myself to these standards, I subconsciously judge everything that everyone does. I only outwardly hold myself to these though, I never voice my judgements to other people unless they’re about myself.

I obsess over things. A lot. Many of my obsessions are negative, but some of them are surprisingly positive.

I physically cannot ignore things that bother me.

I have a useless order which I NEED to do things in. It’s too complicated for me to explain properly, to be honest. It involves math and can be frustrating, but unless I have an immediate deadline I cannot act outside of that order.

I have to take an even amount of steps on each surface I walk on, and take an even amount of bites of whatever I eat.

My lucky number is 6, and sometimes I have to do something either six times or a multiple of six (for example, sometimes even bites isn’t enough and the amount of bites I take MUST be a multiple of six.)

It is difficult for me to 100% focus on things, because my brain moves too fast and latches on to random things.

I struggle to manage my emotions. Often I “overreact” to stressful things because I can’t handle them.

I used to have panic attacks, but since starting my medications they have stopped completely

I still have random physical symptoms that usually came with panic attacks. Sometimes my resting heart rate spikes, or I feel like I can’t breathe for no discernable reason.

…

To end on a hopeful note, there are many tools I use that help me manage these disorders.

Of course, medications exist. I take Lexapro and Clonidine. The Lexapro helps me calm down easier and raises my “panic threshold.” The Clonidine helps lower my heart rate, helping me feel more calm.

I know the people that can help me when I get anxious, and they are quick to respond when they know I need their help.

My girlfriend and I know each other’s tells and symptoms, so they are equipped to help me when I am stressing out.

I also know that distracting me is one of the best ways to turn off “panic mode.”

I keep some sort of fidget on me at all times, and in my room and office spaces I have many easy-to-reach fidgets and stim toys.

I have taught myself how to recognize OCPD thought patterns, and if I am having so many at once I will give myself some alone time to sort them out.

If I notice myself picking at a particular spot, I will put a bandaid on it so I can’t pick at it any more.

If I have significant control over a space, I will try to make it purposefully asymmetrical so I don’t try to obsess over the impossible “perfect symmetry.”

Sometimes I will stretch to reset my thoughts and body.

I know certain breathing techniques that help a lot more than you’d think they would.

I have big, meaningful stuffed animals that I can cuddle to calm myself.

I have taught myself to tell the people I live with when I’m having an episode. Sometimes it’s hard but it makes my life significantly easier.

I remind the people I love constantly that I do love them. It helps ease my conscious, and it makes them happy. Making them happy makes me happy.

To anyone else who struggles with similar disorders or relates to the symptoms I’ve shared, know that help is available and I am proof of that. Sufferers of anxiety and/or personality disorders may never be “normal,” but they can be happy. You can make your life easier even without medication. Things will get better, but only if you make an effort on your end to try.

Love you all.