#i’ll bring it up to my therapist when i see her next probably

[reinanova]

sooooo i have come to the realization that i’m probably autistic and i’ve had many hyperfixations that are related to what i now realize is probably my special interest: crime

first up, forensic science. it’s been my thing since 6th grade and i’m a year away from graduating with a forensic science degree. clearly crime related

second, criminal minds. a show of crime fighters. pretty self explanatory

third, six of crows. a found family of criminals. again, self explanatory

and finally, my most recent obsession, leverage. once again, a group of found family criminals

[jedi-luca]

Avenger Lane Chapter 15: Creature Fear

Summary: You and your wife Quinn move your family outside of New York City to Avenger Lane; a small private suburbia. There you face your toughest obstacle of your marriage. Will your marriage with Quinn be strong enough when a certain redheaded beauty captures your attention? 

Parings: Natasha x Reader

Warnings: Reader has a Penis

Previous Chapter

Natasha opened the door with a look of surprise. Someone was holding a bouquet of flowers, a present, and balloons. She couldn’t even see who it was. Until you popped your head through the balloons.

“Y/N?” She beamed laughing.

“Happy birthday Nat.” You smiled widely.

Natasha couldn’t wait for you to even step inside she jumped in your arms. Presents falling to the floor with petals falling around you. You chuckled holding her up as her legs wrapped around you. Stepping inside you shut the door, kicking the presents aside.

“I wasn’t sure you’d make it.” She mumbled against your neck.

“I promised you, and I didn’t want to break another promise with you. I’m not going anywhere unless you want me too of course.” 

Natasha kissed you softly letting her fingers run through your hair before pulling away. “I missed you like crazy.”

“I missed you too. You wanna-“

“Yes.” She nodded, kissing you again only for you to break the kiss.

“I was gonna say open your presents, but that sounds amazing.” You chuckled walking over to the sofa, setting her down.

She blushed, nodding as she cleared her throat crossing her legs. You handed her a bouquet of carefully picked out flowers.

“Y/N, these are so beautiful. I love them, thank you.” She bites her lip, blushing a little as she studies the flowers. 

You bring the present to the coffee table sitting next to her as she smells her flowers. 

“You didn’t have to do all this, I just needed you.” She mumbles against your shoulder.

“It’s your birthday, Natalia, it should be celebrated.” You say softly placing a lock of her hair behind her ear.

“You’re the sweetest.” She sighs, pecking your lips.

“So why don’t you open your first couple gifts of the day.”

“First couple gifts?” She smiles, biting her lip. “Y/N you really-“

“Stopppp come on.” You say as Leho leaps on the table to see what chaos you brought.

She smirked seeing you look nervous as she opens the first gift only to find a large envelope. Natasha furrows her brows at you before opening it. She gasps as she reads the title of legal documents, and the notary of the republic’s stamp.

“You’re…. Divorced… She actually signed them?”

“She didn’t really have a choice.”

“Oh my God. Y/N how? I thought it was going to take months!?”

“Well I finally listened to you spoke to my parents. With their help and Tony’s I counter sued for everything she did to me. The couples therapist Agatha turned in her notes to the judge which also helped immensely. The Fabrays hate a bad image and caved immediately especially when they knew I could squash them like a bug.”

Natasha tackled you in a hug.

“I promised you it would happen. I promised you, Nat.”

“I know you did.” She nodded, wiping her tears as you brought her in a kiss.

“I wanna be with you.” You say softly.

“You’ve had me Y/N.” She cried, wrapping her arms around you snuggling into your side. “How… How are the kids taking this?”

“Finley doesn’t really understand but she loves you so, I know she won’t be too put off. Beth on the other hand is upset. She doesn’t understand. She probably won’t until she’s older, and that’s okay. She refuses to speak to me right now. The moment we sat her down to discuss the divorce she pushed me out, and said she never wants to see me again.”

“Baby.” Natasha cried holding your hand. “Baby she doesn’t mean it.”

“I know.” You sniffled feeling Natasha wipe your tears. “She loves her mom very much. I can't be the one to tarnish that image. When she cools down I’ll talk to her again.”

“Beth loves you Y/N so much. I know she does, you know she does. You’re right she just needs some time divorce is not easy on a 12 year old. Are they home?”

“Beth is at school and I think Quinn is at her sisters with Fin. She said she didn’t want to see me here.”

“So she knows?”

“Ohhhh yeah she knows I’m with you.” You nod.

“Is she mad? Like burn down my house mad?”

“No actually, just like she’s finally let me go. I think her seeing our old friends really helped knock some sense into her as well. Plus as much as I hate to say it Rachel is kind of helping her move on.”

“So she’s more so upset with herself and her actions?”

“That’s what I got from it in court, but I thought maybe it was a ruse. Anyway, enough about my ex wife and open your next present.”

You handed Natasha a wrapped gift. She looked up, raising her brow looking down at the Christmas themed paper and bow. “You wrapped this?” 

“Of course! I’m a black belt at gift wrapping.” You grinned.

She giggled while opening the gift only to see a Fisherman’s sweater. “Ohhh I love it.” She says holding it up seeing something fall out of the sweater she frowns grabbing it before Leho can get it.

The scenic view of the East coast of Maine

“I thought since you’re taking a break right now maybe you and I can take a road trip all the way to Maine? Or we can just-“

Natasha tackles you in a hug “I love it.” 

“Are you sure? Cause it’s cold and if you’d rather just go somewhere more tropical I can still change it.”

“Nope, I’ve never been upstate. I think that’s a great idea.”

“Alright I guess pack for a week and then get dressed for brunch cause Wanda is currently making you a fabulous brunch for your birthday right about now.”

“Oh my gosh!” Natasha stood up running up the stairs packing for the winter vacation.

You chuckled looking down at Leho “Don’t worry I won’t make you join us in the car ride Yelena is going to stay here and take care of you.” The black cat purred and hopped up on your lap. “Yeah I figured you weren’t the car riding type.”

You stood up making your way up the staircase leaning against Natasha’s doorway when you notice something you thought you lost.

“Is that my hoodie?” You gasped “and my jacket!? I thought I lost them!”

“No, don't look!” Natasha groaned.

“You little thief!” You chuckled.

“They smelled like you.” She smiled, holding them up to her nose. 

You brought her in your arms pecking her lips. “I’ll be sure to rotate them so you always have something that smells like me then.” You lifted it to your nose, closing your eyes and smiled. “Now it smells like you.”

“So sweet.” She muttered before kissing you once more. She turned in your arms as she continued her packing.

You moved her hair to the side and left small kisses from her shoulder to her neck.

“Hmm, I missed you.” She sighed.

“You have no idea how much I missed you.” You held her from behind burying your nose in her hair.

“I think I have an idea.” Natasha’s fingers ran through your hair, her body arching into you. 

Nat lifted her phone showing you a video that Mike sent her.

“Dude what are you doing?” Mike giggled using his video to see what you were looking at. “Is that Natasha?”

“Maybe.” You purse your lips coyly slightly drunk. 

“Why are you looking at her picture? You weirdo.” Santana cackled.

“I miss her.” You shrugged.

“Aww!” Kurt frowns, hugging your head. “Me too!”

“Oh my God! You’re such a simp. This is your boo Natasha. Out here cryin’ in da club.” 

You all started cackling before the video came to an end.

“I’m gonna kill him.” You shook your head.

“I thought it was sweet.” She smiled, turning in your arms. You widen your stance so you can be at eye level. “Don’t be embarrassed baby, I'm your woman.”

“My woman, I love the sound of that.” You grin, smooching her lip feeling her hands massage your shoulders.

“Anything else you need to show me or tell me about?” You chuckled.

“No.” She smirked looking away.

“You sure?” 

“I may have also seen you guys sing Don’t Stop Believing and some of your friends dm’ed me that they’re happy for us. That’s all. Again! I thought it was sweet.” The redhead beauty smiled, pecking your lips before smacking your ass and making her way to the bathroom. 

“Hm.” You grunted.

She began grabbing her toiletries in a bag she looked over seeing you laying down feet off the bed. Your arms wrapped around her pillow, eyes closed for a brief moment while she packs. She smiles looking at you she’s wanted you for so long now, and it’s finally happening.

You mentally went through the checklist again. The cooler is packed with snacks and drinks. You have the snow chains on already extra in the back just in case. Your suitcase is packed, the rest of the presents are in the back, blankets, pillows, some extra wood, alcohol and mixers, champagne, some groceries in an extra cooler, and Tony’s keys to his cabin.

You could hear her walking around quietly as she packs up her suitcase when you felt some weight on your legs.

“Okay! I’m ready!” She sang she lifted up on her knees as you flipped over.

“Hmmm okay baby.” You yawned while stretching.

Natasha straddled you and you let your hand lightly rub her thick thighs. She leaned down kissing you softly inhaling you as she broke the kiss.

“We… don’t have any extra time… do we?”

“We…” you looked at your watch. “Do not.” You sigh.

“But it’s my birthday.” She sticks her bottom lip out with a frown dry humping you. “I can be a little late.”

You groan feeling her lips suck on your sweet spot and rub against your other sweet spot.

“You and I both know we’re not gonna wanna go just one round. Besides, I don't really want our first time as a couple to be a quickie.” You chuckle, slapping her ass. “Come on birthday girl. 

She whines getting off of you and you grin standing up taking her bags. 

“What about Leho?” She said sadly while picking up her baby.

“Yelena is going to take care of her and the house.” You muttered the last part.

“Oh God okay just let me write out something real quick, and put the flowers in a vase.”

“Alright I’ll put these in the truck.”

Natasha wrote out a quick message asking her sister to water the plants, the new flowers you just gave her, and what times to feed Leho. She even gave her some money for food just in case.

Natasha walked out seeing a cover over your truck bed. “Since when have you had that?”

“Oh it came with it, I just never had a chance to use it.” You chuckled. “Are those your balloons?” You chuckled.

“I just got them, it's bad enough I have to leave my flowers.”

You grinned walking over taking them from her and walking over to Wanda’s. You knocked and she told you both to come in from the Stark bell. You open the door letting her through first hearing all her friends say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

“Oh my gosh you guys!” Natasha smiled seeing all of her friends.

Wanda ran over bringing her in a big hug. “Ohhh I love you, happy birthday!” She cooed.

“Happy birthday!” Pietro smiled, giving her a hug as well. “Just so you know my gift is me getting up early to help Wanda.” His older sister smacked him and Natasha laughed. “Hey what’s up Y/N.” He smiled, giving you a hug.

Wanda led you both towards the end of the table giving Natasha a tiara, her breakfast plate and a mimosa.

Breakfast went on and then the gifts began.

“This is from me and Buck. Happy birthday Nat we love you.” Steve smiled with Bucky's arm around him.

“Oh wow thank you guys!” Natasha looks down at the brand new Glock and set of bullets. 

“That’s the new G29 it’s beautiful.” Steve explains.

“Oh my God.” Vis gasps lowly he hates guns. Wanda takes his hand. Natasha closes the case and thanks Steve and Bucky before you take it and safely set it aside.

“Jeez.” You hear Tony mutter as he drinks his mimosa.

“Happy birthday love.” Laura smiles with Clint grinning behind her.

It was a framed photo of Natasha and you with all the kids at the fair. Along with a little Hawaiian statue.

“Thank you Laura.” Natasha smiled showing you the picture. You smiled looking at her. “It’s sweet, I'll make sure to put it up before we leave.”

“Just make sure to keep the statue with you.” Clint cackled.

“Oh Clint.” Laura smacked him.

“What is this?”

“We got it during our trip to Hawaii. It’s a fertility statue.”

“It fucking works.” Clint raised his brows looking at the two of you.

You and Natasha chuckle a bit.

“I’m serious we were having some trouble with Nate and well that little fucker helped. So when you’re ready just make sure he’s around for the action.”

You chuckled turning red scratching the back of your neck.

“Those Hawaiians, dude they know they’re shit.” Clint punched your arm. “I know you’ve got a couple so be sure to wrap it before you tap it from now on it’s like magic.”

“Clint for the love of God.” Laura whined.

Natasha placed the frame and statue in her purse before the next guest came over. You took her hand rubbing circles on her palm.

“You okay?” You ask near her ear.

“I just need to go to the bathroom right quick.” She nods and pecks your hand.

You look at her slightly worried before looking towards Wanda. “I should-“

“Go.” She nods.

You stand and rush upstairs.

“Damn it Clint I told you not to put that in there.” Laura groaned covering her face.

“What? What’s wrong-“

“Nat, can’t have children.” She said in his ear.

“Fuck.” 

You reach the master bath and knock softly. “Baby?”

The door swings open and she pulls you in a kiss.

“Whoa.” You manage to say as she hums in your mouth. “Honey?”

“I need you Y/N.” She husks. “I need you so bad and we don’t have much time.” 

“Nat, I think you might not be dealing with this the right way. Just take a breather-“

“Y/N please.” She whines against your lips, her hands on your belt. “Please baby I need you so badly right now. It won’t take much. I know this isn’t what you had in mind for our first time as a couple to be in Wanda’s bathroom, but please! I need you inside of me.” 

“Talia, my love please just take a second.”

“Love?” Natasha freezes.

“This wasn’t how I was going to tell you.” You squeezed your eyes shut. 

“You love me?” She asks in surprise.

“So much. I’ve been wanting to say those words for a while now.” You chuckle, bringing her against you.

“I’ve longed to hear those words from you.” She whispered.

“I just wanted to wait until it was finally over. Until I had it in writing for you.”

“I know my love.” She whispers, kissing you softly. 

“I hope I was worth the wait.”

“You are always worth it. I love you so much.” She smiles, laying her forehead against yours.

You pull her into a hug just as she begins to cry.

“I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me. I felt so sad and then you came up to take care of me and I’ve just never had that before-“ she started to tear up.

“It’s okay you’re allowed to feels things. Clint hit a sore spot.”

“I missed you so much Y/N.” She sniffled as you wiped away her tears.

“I missed you too, baby. I missed all of you. I missed your laugh, your smile, the way your voice gets gravely when you're sleepy or just woke up, your cooking, your kisses. Your beautiful body. The way I feel when I’m inside of you and the noises I bring out of you. I’m so in love with you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you either. Yelena tried making me watch a ton of other shows. Wanda included. I would find myself thinking of you or if you’d call me. Or even text. I was always checking my phone.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t reach out enough.”

“You did better after I told you. We just have to communicate better.”

“We will.” You nod.

“We should go back out there.” She says softly caressing your cheek. 

“Okay.” You stand up from your crouched position and help her off the toilet seat. She fixes your hair and takes the lipstick off your face.

“Lovely.” She nods.

“Stop, you're making me blush.”

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You both come back down and no one makes a comment, they just continue on like nothing happened.

“You okay?” Wanda asks in Russian.

Natasha nods happily. “Oni skazali mne, chto lyubyat menya.” (They told me that they love me.)

“Finally!” Wanda sighed in relief.

Natasha rolled her eyes playfully.

You lean over to Tony when you notice everyone giving you the wink. “So I take it, everyone knows my plan for the cabin?”

“Yup.” Tony nods.

“Got it. So who told?”

“Who do you think?”

You scanned the table. “Scott told Louis?”

“Of course he did.” Tony huffed.

“As long as Nat doesn’t hear about it.”

“She won’t, don’t worry. You got the papers?”

“Yup showed Nat before coming over here.”

“Pepper, give you the keys?”

“Yes sir.”

“Alright.” Tony chuckled. “Don’t be nervous. You got this kid.”

You nodded with a grin before looking over at Natasha who looked down at her gift. It was an ant farm that Scott gave her. 

“I said grab an Aunty Anne’s gift card because she loves they’re pretzels. Why would she want an ant farm Scott?”

“I don’t know why would she want a gift card to Aunty Anne’s?” He huffed. “Besides, ants are way cooler!”

“It’s okay, this is pretty cool, thank you.” Natasha smiled nodding she’ll just give it to Finley.

“Hey Scott.” You smiled right before nut punching him.

“Oh fuck.” Scott gasped nearly toppling to the floor.

“Y/N?!” Natasha scolded you.

“It’s just this game we play at work. Right Scotty? This game about not telling Louis certain things.”

“Yup.” He smiled through the pain waving Natasha off. Steve and Bucky cringed.

“Kind of what he gets; what a big mouth.” Bucky muttered.

“I fucking told you not to tell Louis.” Hope whispered harshly.

“I know.” He gasped as she helped him over to his chair.

“I’ll get you some ice.” Vis nods standing up.

“Thank you.” Scott groaned.

Natasha glared at you once more and you shrugged it off. “He lost the game. I don't know what to tell ya.”

“That was hilarious.” Clint chuckled while getting another mimosa as Thor fell out of his chair laughing. 

“You know you deserved that shit right?.” Val snickered looking at Scott.

“Come on babe get up.” Jane said to Thor who had tears in his eyes from laughter.

“Happy birthday Natasha!” They said together, handing her a tiny gift bag. Thor was still snickering to himself.

“Oh thank you so much!” It was a gift card to Lululemon. 

Soon Val and Carol were up.

“I would say happy birthday but I think this one is a little more for my mate Y/N over here.” Val snickered, winking at you and Carol rolled her eyes.

Natasha ripped open the paper and the white box to find a set of sexy lingerie. The redhead opted out of showing everyone and kept it in the box she didn’t even show you instead she thanked them with a hint of blush on her cheeks. Carol leaned down and whispered in her ear. You wondered what it was because her eyes widened and Carol giggled before taking Val’s hand and taking their seats.

“You alright?” You asked.

“Hmhm.” She nodded, taking a gulp of her drink.

“For Pepper and Tony’s gift they’re letting us stay in their Cabin.” 

“Oh thank you.” Natasha said towards Pepper and Tony.

“Of course but we also got you this.” Pepper handed Natasha a bottle of wine. “It’s one of my all time favorites. I think you’ll like it.”

“It also gets her going if you know what I mean.” Tony mutters lowly toward you.

You chuckled while taking a sip of your drink. 

Soon it’s nearly 2 pm and now you’re way off schedule.

“I’m sorry Y/N.” Wanda says softly as you help her clean up.

“Do not apologize Wands. It’s okay, seriously we can make a pit stop at a hotel. It's not that bad plus I wanted us to take our time getting up to Maine.”

“Still you had the whole day planned.” She said sadly.

“The plan can still go on tomorrow.” You smile.

“Okay I am ready.” Natasha smiled lazily, still a bit buzzed from all the mimosas.

“Go on. I’ve got it from here.”

You grab the presents and Natasha insists on giving the ant farm to Finley so you leave it on the front door with a note and leave the framed photo of the fair in Nat’s home before she says farewell to Yelena.

“Happy birthday Cestra.” She smiles at her drunk sister then at you before handing her a little gift.

“What’s this?” Natasha frowns seeing a check.

“I wanna help pay you back for the clock tower.”

“Lena-“

“No buts plus I figured maybe it’ll help bring our parents back from Russian? I know you had to use that money to send me to school and bring me here and fix the tower so… yeah.”

“Aww.” Natasha cried, bringing Yelena in a hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now go.” Yelena wipes her eyes smiling at you. “Take care of my sister. She’s precious cargo.”

“With my life.” You smile helping Natasha walk to the truck. “You wanna lay down in the back? I can make a bed.”

“Not unless you’re gonna lay down with me.” Natasha mumbles hopping in the truck.

You chuckle before shutting the door and getting in the driver's seat. You both wave to Yelena before driving away.

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When you’re finally out of New York Natasha notices how beautiful the mountains look.

“It’s so beautiful.”

“It is really cold, but smell the air.” You slow down a bit and roll down the window.

She breathes the air in smiling as she closes her eyes. “Wow, it smells so good!” . 

You slow down pulling over seeing a maple candy stand.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a maple candy stand. I’m gonna get you some wanna stay in the truck?”

“No!” She hops out and watches you buy some candy as she picks up a red leaf and breathes in the mountain air.

Along the road she asks if you can stop at certain places and of course you oblige by getting her little trinkets and taking random photos.

You both eat snacks from the cooler and sing along to every song she wants to hear occasionally listening to a podcast. You finally stop when it gets too dark somewhere in Vermont. You stop by a diner.

“This place is so cute.” Natasha smiles seeing how retro everything looks.

“Well hello sweethearts my name is Eve what can I getcha?” An older woman walks up with a big smile.

“We will take the lovers lane.” Natasha orders off the menu.

“Okay! I haven’t seen yall out here before where ya from?” 

“New York, it’s her birthday we figured we make a road trip out of it and go up state.”

“Oh well that’s fun, welcome to town! I’ll tell ya what I’ll bring you a slice of pie on the house!”

“Thank you Eve!” Natasha smiled.

You dug into your pockets looking for change.

“What are you doing?” Natasha smirked.

“I’m looking for quarters.” You grinned nodding towards the mini jukebox.

The redhead grabbed her purse taking out .50cents. “Here.”

“You pick it’s the fun part.” You grinned, pushing her hand away.

Natasha smiled and put the change in before choosing an oldie.

“Great choice.” You grinned hearing the doo-wop in the beginning.

“My love must be a kind of blind love. I can’t see anyone but you.” She smiled lovingly at you as you blushed.

‘(Sha bop sha bop)

(Sha bop sha bop)’

“Dance with me?”

‘(Sha bop sha bop)

(Sha bop sha bop)’

“Here?” 

‘(Sha bop sha bop)’

“Right here.” You stand up offering your hand which she happily accepts.

‘Are the stars out tonight (sha bop sha bop)’

You bring her close swaying in the diner.

‘I don't know if it's cloudy or bright (sha bop sha bop)

I only have eyes for you dear’

“I love you.” Natasha says softly caressing your cheek.

(Sha bop sha bop)

“I love you too.” You say looking down into her eyes.

‘The moon may be high

(Sha bop sha bop)’

There’s only one other patron in the diner and they can’t help but smile seeing the two of you dancing.

‘But I can't see (sha bop sha bop) a thing in the sky

I only have eyes for you’

“Eve, put their dinner on my tab.” The patron smiled.

‘I don't know if we're in a garden

Or on a crowded avenue

(Sha bop sha bop)’

“They do look so in love don’t they?” Eve smiled watching you and Natasha sway to the music.

‘You are here

(Sha bop sha bop)’

“I don’t ever wanna stop this train with you.” She whispers.

‘And so am I

(Sha bop sha bop)’

“I don’t ever plan on stoppin’.” You lean down pecking her lips gently.

‘Maybe millions of people (sha bop sha bop) go by

But they all disappear from view

And I only have eyes for you’

You both take your seats just as the food came out.

“This looks amazing.” You grin.

“Here baby you pick the next song while we eat.” Natasha hands you a couple quarters.

“Welllllllll…You know you make me wanna shout! Kick my heels up and shout!”

“So good.” You both said as you ate your burgers. “Might have to come back just for this.”

“I know!” She chuckled.

You both ate and laughed as you spoke about your days apart. 

“What made you wanna do this?” She asked, drinking her milk shake.

“Well we were hungry-“

“I meant this trip. Smartass.” Natasha smirked.

“I just felt like we’ve been apart for a long time and wanted to make up for it.” You explain with a light shrug.

Just as Eve promised, a slice of Pie arrived and you both somehow managed to eat every piece of it.

“Thank you so much Eve, this dinner was so good we might just have to make the trek back out just for your food.” Natasha smiled.

“Please do!” Eve laughed.

“Where do I pay Ms. Eve.”

“Actually the gentleman that was in here paid for your meal. He just said he was heartwarmed to see how in love you both are. Made him remember his wife.”

“Oh well now I feel terrible for not being able to thank him.” You pout.

“Don’t be he just wanted to do something nice for you both.”

“Well please tell him we said thank you.” Natasha smiled warmly.

“Of course!” Eve smiled picking up the plates that you stacked at the end of the table.

You left a hefty tip before getting back in the truck and heading towards the hotel.

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“Oh no I’m so sorry I thought we had two beds when we spoke on the phone but it turns out that room is being remodeled. We only have one room left with one king bed.” The front desk girl frowned.

“Oh just the one huh?” You clear your throat, shuffling your feet. You knew if you took that room keeping your hands to yourself would seem difficult.

“You’re absolutely sure there’s only one left.” You ask once more.

The front desk girl sighed and said. “If you don’t want the room-“

“We’ll take it.” Natasha huffed, rolling her eyes at you. “Y/N, if you don’t want to share a bed with me-“ 

“I’m sorry it’s not that at all, not even a little bit you know that.” You bite your lip seeing her nod at you. Natasha took the key. “It’s just- I don’t want you to think just cause I did all this means you have to put out. That’s all. I just want you to be comfortable.”

Natasha smiles softly and pecks your lips. “You’re sweet, and I’m making you start to overthink things because of how I’ve been acting and I’m sorry.”

“Nat, no apologizing. This is new for us… I’ve never been with another woman besides Quinn, and you’ve never been with someone like me. We just need to get in the groove again… I’m gonna park the truck you go on ahead and I’ll bring up our things.”

She nodded before walking off. Natasha kept telling herself to stop over thinking as well you both fell for one another as friends. The only things that’s changed is now there’s nothing holding you both back. You’re both free to be together.

You tiredly made your way to the room. Walking in only to hear the shower running. You quickly change when you hear the water stop. She walks out right as you switch shirts.

Natasha gulped, gripping the door handle.

“Hey.” You smile trying not to blush at the fact that she’s only in a towel.

“Hi.” She smiles a tint of blush across her dewy cheeks. “I forgot you were bringing up the suitcases and got ahead of myself. Can I borrow something to sleep in?”

“I got you.” You grinned getting off the bed. You rummaged through your suitcase finding an extra set of boxers and an old football t-shirt. You walked them over handing them to her.

“Thanks.” She whispers, looking at you. 

“Oh! Sorry.” You chuckled turning around.

She smiled as you turned towards the wall. That’s not why she was staring. She was staring because all she had on was a towel and all she wanted to do was drop it. Just to have you worship her body, but she can tell you’re exhausted. Mentally and physically you just need to rest. Natasha knows damn well if she ignites that fire in you it won’t be put out until it’s time for you both to leave the hotel. She shook her thoughts before dropping the towel not missing the way it made you squirm. 

She inhaled the fresh scent of your boxers and t-shirt. 

“Don’t worry I just washed them before we left.” You chuckled, rubbing your neck. Desperately trying not to look at her through the small reflection on the lamp.

“I’d hope so.” She teased you. “You can turn around now.” She let the shirt fall on her just as you turned around. You gulped seeing the bottom of her breasts and the small freckle on her rib cage.

She climbs into bed laying next to you when she turns on her side. “Thank you for today. Best birthday ever.” She smiled dreamily before leaning over kissing your cheek softly.

“Yeah?” You goofily grin before yawning. You could already feel your exhaustion take over your body as your girl played with your hair.

“Hmhm, you got your divorce, gave me breakfast with all my friends at Wanda’s. You told me you love me. Then we spent the day driving through the mountains. It’s been amazing.” She giggled. “I’ve never had anyone do anything like this for me before, thank you Detka.”

“I didn’t even get to give you the rest of your presents.” You said sleepily trying to sit up only for her to stop you.

“You can give them to me when we’re at the cabin.”

“You sure?” You asked halfway asleep.

“Yes.” She smiles. “Don’t worry about them right now. Everything is perfect today was perfect. You’re perfect.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it. I love you Talia.” You closed your eyes snuggling into your pillow feeling the way her nails grazed your skin and hair as you drifted off to sleep.

“I love you too baby.”

⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗ ⧗

You wake to the sound of your phone alarm clicking on. The soft strums of Creature Fear by Bon Iver in the air. You hum out feeling warmth against your chest and feeling the sun shine on your face. Slightly upset that you forgot to close the curtain, but the view of the mountains is just too beautiful to stay cranky. You start to realize you’re spooning Natasha and your cock is rock hard as it always is first thing in the morning. Your cock was throbbing feeling the heat from Natasha’s body. 

You slowly lift your head looking down at your entwined legs. You briefly wonder how and when this happened throughout the night. Then you wonder if you can untangle yourself without waking her so you can shower. You look down at your arms. One is under her and the pillow with half her hand in yours and the other arm was wrapped around her with her arm laid over yours and fingers threaded through yours. You tangled yourselves throughout the night.

Her head turned slowly, her eyes wide open. She must have been awake for some time. It’s silent and you’re just admiring her underneath the morning sun. She was breathtaking. You felt like you forgot how to breathe just by looking into her eyes. Natasha was the first to wiggle her fingers bringing your attention to your hands. You stretched your fingers locking them in with hers before looking back into her emerald eyes. She looked down at your covered cock poking her right where she wanted it. You felt the air leave your lungs when she pushed her ass against your throbbing cock. 

The moment her hooded eyes looked from your hardened member to you. Almost in an instant you forgot about everything and all you saw and all you wanted was her. Like a silent agreement you both threw caution to the wind. Letting your lips meet in a passionate kiss. Breathing one another in deeply before your hands let go of hers. You needed to feel her everywhere. You cupped her face inhaling her before letting one hand roam down her back towards her ass and the other threaded through her soft auburn hair. 

She moaned, feeling you squeeze her ass. Her hands were hooked under your arms. Fingernails grazing your back. You stopped for a second letting her take off your shirt. You moaned, feeling her lips against your chest. Kissing somehow tenderly and with haste. You briefly stop her so you can take her shirt off her immaculate body.

“What?” she giggled seeing your jaw slack.

“You’re so incredibly beautiful, but you know I know you’re so much more than that… right?” 

She smiled softly, caressing your cheek. “I know.” She pushed you back getting off the bed before turning towards you. You moved to the edge letting your feet hit the cold carpet of the hotel. You hook your arms around her waist looking up at her as your fingers toe the edge of waistline. The Russian woman bit her lip nodding as you pushed the boxer shorts down.

You lay your head against her abdomen, softly kissing her as you inhale her sweet scent. Before your lips could kiss any further down she stopped you. 

“Your turn.” She smirked her nails scraping against your shoulders.

You were brought back to your throbbing dick you grimaced standing up.

“You’ve been hard for over an hour now. I’m assuming you’re in pain?” Her brow kinked.

“Just sensitive.” You hissed, letting it flop out of the hole of your boxers. “You’ve been up for an hour now?”

She licked her lips staring at your long thick bulging cock. She sat you down kissing you gently before getting on her knees. “Yes and you have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do this.”

“You don’t have-“ you cleared your throat.

“I want to… don’t you want my mouth?” She husked; hand now holding your meat.

“God yes.” You whined caressing her jaw.

She smirked before focusing on your shaft. She let her lips kiss the head before letting her tongue swirl around causing you to twitch and shudder. You let one hand hold her hair, just as she brought all of you in her mouth, her tongue and mouth sucking you like it’s the last time she’ll have you. Her hands leave your cock and lay against your flexing abs; her nails grazing down. “Oh my G-“ you inhale. 

“Fuck.” You sighed watching her bobb, her head eyes fixed on yours. “Deeper.” You whispered, you could feel her tonsils on your cock as she obeyed. Her hands on your thighs before letting you go with a pop, and moving down to your balls.

“Natasha.” You husked feeling your toes curl. You gently stopped her before pulling her on your lap quickly switching positions to lay her down. You watched as she lifted her body up by her elbows as you got on your knees gently spreading her legs apart. You smirked before letting your tongue dive into her.

“Ohhh” she whimpered and moaned. 

“Fuck me, you’re drenched.” You let two of your fingers dip in before showing her the wetness. “So sexy.” You whispered before putting her wetness on your cock and pumping the throbbing shaft. As you pumped you dove back in moaning at her taste. “You taste so good, Talia.”

“Shit Y/N I’m already so close.” She whined.

You quickened your tongue's pace and let go of your throbbing member to let a couple digits enter her. Her hips bucked as you moved your fingers. You listened to her as if breaking open a safe. Listening for any indication of her spot. 

A loud guttural moan came when you did. You smirked going faster as her moans grew louder and her body unable to lay still. She gripped your hand and head before humping into your face, shaking as she came undone.

You stood wiping your mouth before sucking on your fingers. She closed her thighs at the sight needing some friction.

She sat up and gasped at the soaked edge of the bed. You smiled before lifting her up onto you kissing her with want.

“Hmm.” She moaned in the kiss before opening her eyes looking down at you. She reached below her, taking you in her hand guiding you to the place you both have been aching for.

“Oh my God.” You sighed laying your forehead against hers. Feeling the tip of your member enter her.

You both moaned as she slid down your shaft.

“Fuck.” You felt your grip loosen before lifting her back up moaning at the movement. You froze seeing her grimace.

“What’s wrong, should I stop?” You asked, worried you hurt her.

She kissed your worries away wiping your brow lines

“You’re just… really big… I’m just adjusting.” She blushed. You pulled out causing her to whimper. 

“Standing up needs some work. Okay.” You make a note of it as you gently lay her down before following suit. She spread her legs for you to lay between. She moaned at the touch of your tongue against her lips. 

“I need you inside me baby.” She husked in your ear, breaking the kiss.

You both looked down as you took your cock rubbing it between her folds. Gathering all the wetness before slowly entering her.

“Sooooo tight.” You whispered, feeling her velvet walls clamping down around you. You stayed still letting her adjust to your girth and length and enjoying the way her warmth feels. “Gah damn I will never get tired of you baby!” You smiled leaning down to kiss her.

“I’m gonna have to remember pelvic floor exercises.” She giggled as she brushed your hair back. 

“I’m madly in love with you.” You smiled Natasha brought you down kissing you as she whimpered as her hips bucked into you giving you the go ahead. You slowly pumped in and out. 

“Oh my God!” She moaned out as your lips left hers to nibble on her sweet spot.

“That’s it baby you’re doing so well.” You groaned out as you continued your rhythm as she whimpered beneath you. Your eyes fluttered closed as you paused your motions pushing in deeper. 

“Oooh that feels so good Y/N.” Natasha wiggling her pelvis against you.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been this deep inside of you like this.” You groaned, placing a hand on the headboard driving your pace faster.

“I know baby I don't even think I can hold on for much longer.” She gasps, clawing at your back bringing you down against her. “God I love you so much!”

You’re both moaning as you move together. Your teeth clashing in your kisses. You’re both breathing one another in as you cum around one another.

“Fuck baby.” She gasps. “Oh daddddy.” 

“Oh Natasha! Fuuuck!” You groan, spilling your seed deep inside of her. “Ohhh yeah look at that baby.” You say lathering your thick honey along her glistening pussy.

You both pant when the phone rings it’s time to check out and your alarm with Bon Iver starts over again after its snooze.

“How long do we have?” She asks, kissing your back.

“A couple hours.”

“Then come back to me.” She smirks.

You grin, rubbing her arm around your chest that begins to make its way to your meat.

“Hmm.” You groan feeling her pumping you as she nibbles your ear. “The faster we’re out of here the faster I can have you in that cabin, and really take my time with you.” 

“How long is the drive?” She asks, kissing your shoulders.

“About 4 more hours.” You cringed, seeing her look at you with her brows furrowed.

“Yeah no you’re making love to me one more time. Really Y/N 4 hours?!”

“I’m sorry.” You say feeling her pull you to the shower. You shove your underwear down before stepping in.

“Multitasking at its finest baby.” She smirked, kissing you as the warm water fell over you.

“Hmm, I hope you know the moment we step foot in that cabin and I’ve got all our shit inside-“

“What? The pussy monster is coming out?”

“Who?” You furrowed your brows and she giggled kissing you under the water.

“Well I hope the pussy monster does come out.” She mutters against your lips, feeling you smirk and your cock stand at attention.

You lift her up and against the wall and you slide in.

“Who says the pussy monster isn’t here right now?” You say in a voice so gravely and low that makes her drip around your thick cock. You choke her as you begin to roughly hump inside of her sliding her ups down against the cold tile wall.

“Ohhhh fuckkkkk!” She moans, hooking her hands behind your neck.

“That’s it baby girl.” You say.

“Fuuuuuckkk!” She whines feeling you hit her center.

“You like that, my naughty girl?”

“So much!” She gasps.

“You love it when the pussy monster comes out.”

“So much daddy so much.” 

“You’re my cum slut aren’t you? You like it when I cum deep inside of you.” You roughly grab her jaw.

“Oh my gosh yesss so much I love the way it feels, and the way you lather it all over my pussy when I cum on your cock daddy.”

“Me too baby.”

“I also love it when you cum on my tongue you taste so good.”

“Fuck.” You groan, feeling yourself cuming.

“Oh my gosh baby you feel so good inside me.” She cries as pivot your hips letting her walls clamp around you and juicing your cock.

“Shit Talia.” You both look down seeing you pull out and your creams landing on your cock on for you to lather it on her pussy and push inside of her once more. “Give me another baby girl. I’m still so hard for you.” You say lowly near her ear.

“Fuck.” She whimpers and nods before tapping you to let her down. You gently set her down and watch her spin around against the tile. You take hold of her hips and begin watching your cock disappear over and over again.

“Your ass is so fucking amazing. This pussy is velvet baby don’t get me wrong but when can this monster cock try that little ass hole?” You husk near her ear.

“When you let me try your little ass hole.” She smirks looking back at you before handing you the soap bar and a scrub.

“Touché.” You stroke inside of her as you sud her body up. It feels even better when you bring your bodies together. “Fuck I’m close!” You growl near her ear.

“Cum then daddy.” She bites your lip and your fucking her so hard and fast your skin is slapping against one another echoing in the shower. You wrap your arms around her, and lift her up causing her to yelp as you cum inside of her. “Fuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!” You groan emptying your load before setting her back down. You pull out and push back in letting her cum around you and gently letting her ride out her orgasm.

“Shit.” You pant feeling your cock slip out and watching your creams go down the drain.

She smiles, hooking her arm around you, kissing you languishly.

“How’d we get in here?” You asked, looking around causing her to giggle and kiss you once more.

“Shut up and wash my hair.” 

“I’ve been meaning to ask you. Yesterday, what did Carol whisper in your ear?”

Natasha turned smirking up at you as you washed her hair.

“Well first she said she and Val came over one day and heard us going at it. She also mentioned that I need to really work my hips.”

“They saw us?”

“Hmhm.”

“I really need to learn how to close the fucking blinds.” 

A/N: still cutting up chapters in parts because of how long they are.

Don’t forget to Reblog, comment, and like 🥰

[fostercare-expat]

I told my former husband that I’m not going to follow his request that no 10 year old boys will be allowed to sleep in my house and that I’ll be having Older Brother sleep in the house for 4 nights this month while the girls will be here. He asked to meet in person the next day.

We discussed again that he sees Older Brother and Fearless as sexual predators due to their age and gender, and it is his job as a father to protect his daughters against abuse. By me bringing in "these sort of children" (meaning foster children) that I am exposing his daughter to a high risk of abuse and he will not allow it. I offered to meet together with his therapist so we could discuss this all together, but he refused. Yet in another point of the meeting, he himself said that we should meet with a 3rd party to help work this out, which I said I would like to do. He said since I won’t honour our agreement that the boys are not allowed to spend the night that I must install CCTV cameras in every room of my house including my own bedroom and my helpers bedroom and the girls bedroom. He is not requiring the password to the CCTV stream but he wants the boys to known they are being watched.

When I have refused to do this he threatened me with the following "if I push him":

- He will “go nuclear” / “take the nuclear route”

- He will contact CPS to “tell them everything” (not sure what he is referring to) and get any foster kids removed from my home.

- He will stop all child support.

- He will take me to court to get full custom our girls and they will live with him full time

- He wants me to sign a paper that if our girls are ever abused that I automatically lose custody of them.

He then calmed down and agreed he will accept CCTV cameras in the kitchen, the livingroom and the girls bedroom only, at my own expense. I have agreed to this. I will have them installed before 13 June. He also still insists that I sign a paper that if our girls are ever abused that I automatically lose custody of them, which I have not agreed to and do not intend to, but I told him that he could write up whatever document he wanted to give me for consideration for signing.

And then he announces he has something else to tell me. He’s going to be moving in with his girlfriend in November. He says he’s known her for a year but it’s only in the last 4 or 5 months he told me and the kids about her. My Older Daughter has met her 3 times. My Younger Daughter has met her 1 time. I made the joke “guess we need to get divorced now” because he has always been strongly against getting a legal divorce. We have been separated for 7 years and he was always opposed to divorcing. I even got papers drawn up in 2021 and he convinced me it didn’t make sense. His response to my joke was “Yup, my girlfriend and I talking about getting married eventually so you and I should probably go ahead with that divorce.” This is so bizarre because he’s always sworn he will never get married for a third time. (He was married before me at age 18.) So I’m guessing his girlfriend is giving him an ultimatum. I’m totally ok with the legal divorce, the only substantial difference is that he won’t be able to stay on my health insurance, and my tax bracket will go down, so the financial situation is upside for me and there isn’t anything else that really depends on being married other than who can make healthcare decisions in the case of being incapacitated. No negatives there. But he’s done an emotional 180 on that.

So in the space of drinking 1 coffee, he threatened to blow up my entire life, and then asked me to support him as he introduces a stepmother into my kids life. This guy is mind blowing lately. I pointed this out to him and he seems to think it all makes sense. I’ll be supportive of his new relationship and help the girls manage their emotions around it all because it’s the right thing to do, not because he deserves it. So yeah, there’s some big emotions care giving ahead because this isn’t going to be easy for my daughters.

[spencer-reids-adventures]

if and when you have the time and brain space I would love to see your take on emily trying to get an adhd diagnosis (preferably with jemily or just gen! bonus if reid can help her out a little)

Spencer shows up at Emily’s house to pick her up for a film festival, and she answers the door half dressed, eyes wide and frantic. Spencer can see into the living room, where here TV is on, the laptop is open on the coffee table, and two books and a kindle are laid out on the couch.

“I’m so sorry,” Emily groans. “I thought I had more time, and then I forgot where I put the shirt I wanted to wear, and then I got distracted by this video of a guy cleaning a really gross carpet, and—”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Spencer says calmly. “Even if we miss the first film, we can just catch the next one. That’s why it’s a film festival. No worries.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Emily mutters as she stalks back to her bedroom to finish getting dressed. “I can’t ever seem to get my shit together.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” Spencer says. “Has it always been this way for you?”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I’ve always been, you know…flaky.” She grimaces when she says the word, as though it tastes bad in her mouth. 

Spencer frowns. “Have you ever been tested for ADHD?”

Emily freezes with her sweater half on and stares at Spencer.

“Of course not,” she scoffs. “I did great in school, despite everything.”

“That doesn’t mean much. You could still have it. It would explain a lot.”

“I don’t need to make excuses for my behavior, Spence. I’m flaky, that’s just how I am. I’ll probably always be like this. I just have to deal with that.”

“Do you have a therapist?” 

“Yes.”

“Consider bringing it up to them,” Spencer says. “Just consider it. Okay?”

They eventually make it to the film festival, and Emily puts it out of her mind…until later that night, when it pops back into her consciousness. And despite her reluctance, she follows Spencer’s advice. She considers it.

A week later, she brings it up to her therapist and he agrees to do a screening with her. Before she knows it, she’s being referred to an outside clinic for ADHD testing.

She feels silly walking into the building. She’s a grown woman, not a hyperactive 10-year-old boy. If there is something wrong with her, it should have been caught earlier, when she was a child. She doesn’t belong here. She doesn’t need this. She should leave—

There’s a chirp from her pocket and she pulls out her phone to check her texts. There’s one waiting, from Spencer.

Hope everything goes well today. I’m proud of you.

She sighs, puts the phone back into her pocket, and decides not to leave.

A few days later, she meets with someone at the clinic for a follow-up appointment where they tell her that they are, in fact, diagnosing her with ADHD. The clinician talks about what that means, and her next steps, and asks if she has any questions, but all Emily can do is try not to cry.

All of those things she’s struggled with, all the missed appointments, the lack of focus, being late all the time, all the shame and frustration and anger and disappointment…

How does she reconcile the fact that it wasn’t actually her fault? How is she supposed to accept that maybe she’s not a monster, a terrible person, a bad partner? Her whole paradigm has been shifted, and she doesn’t know how to deal with it.

She shows up on Spencer’s doorstep that night with a bottle of wine and tear tracks on her cheeks.

“Come in,” Spencer says immediately, as if he’d been expecting her. He walks her to the couch and gets her settled with a soft blanket and a box of tissues. He pours her a glass of wine and then snuggles up next to her on the couch with a glass of orange juice and his own soft blanket. 

“Sorry,” Emily mutters.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Spencer promises. “Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather not think about it right now?”

Emily shrugs. “It’s just so much,” she says. “I don’t… I don’t know.”

“I’m here for whatever you need, Em. But I need you to know that it’s going to be okay. I know it feels like a lot has changed, but you’re still you. And now you can get the help you’ve always needed. You know?”

“I know,” Emily whispers. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

[spaceumbredoggos]

Don’t you just hate being autistic sometimes? Like, your specific order doesn’t go through, and you have to reorder it. You have to order at a different restaurant because there’s nothing for you sensory wise at the restaurant your gran likes. You have to deal with the eye contact and the inconvenience of reordering in person. And the eye don’t have the shake you want. Also, this particular location botches your orders a lot. It’s a burger place, and you can only handle ketchup on a burger.

Sorry to vent. I just wish I wasn’t born with all these sensory difficulties with food. There’s not a lot I can’t handle sensory-wise, but the restaurant my gran likes always puts avocados in the grilled cheese as well as Cogita cheese that is super spicy. And ranch. It’s a no go for me, so I always order at the burger place next door.

And as I stood up to grab my shake, some asshat stole my spot where I was waiting on my burger. Now I have to stand bc I’m too awkward to address that I was sitting there.

Anyways, I don’t have a lot of food sensory difficulties. At least nowhere near as many as I used to. I have enough where it’s manageable, but I used to have it so bad where I would get made fun of constantly.

How I got off of my food sensory difficulties was that I was bullied and forced into eating some foods by a toxic ableist father in ways modern nutritionists would never recommend. I love vegetables, sushi, and scrambled eggs, don’t get me wrong, but the amount of bullying to get me to that point hurts. It hurts to have to speak up for a food related accommodation. I’ll probably never have a healthy relationship with food in my life. I’m slightly overweight now because I can’t hold back on sweets. I was never really taught moderation. Sure the fact that I have an influence on what I eat as an adult makes it feel better, and I’m nowhere near having an eating disorder anymore (I used to excessively binge safe foods in boredom and stress to the point of an eating disorder. Rather than having me get help, my parents would have me go to the store to buy what I ate. I mean, it’s a natural consequence for my actions, unless I had an eating disorder. I wanted to kill myself the day before my eighteenth birthday because of this (along with other accumulated toxicity) and I was hospitalized in a less than 3 star hospital. It’s a long messy story that is so wrong on many levels that I’d prefer to delve into with a therapist.)

So yeah. I wish I could just have a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t have to feel shame for not being able to handle mayonnaise or having the bland palette of a six year old when it comes to burgers. I wish I could just stop at one ice cream or a handful of small Trader Joe’s cookies (two ice creams isn’t a binge, but I eat half the fucking tub of chocolate chip Trader Joe’s cookies.) Don’t get me wrong, it used to be a lot worse (I used to hide food wrappers in my room just to spare myself from my parents’ groveling. Then they’d find the wrappers and revoke my electronic time.)

I’ll bring this up with my gran after dinner and I’ll bring this up with my therapist when I see her next.

[ruby-red-inky-blue]

So in true me fashion i have neither done my uni work yet nor actually finished the next chapter of TWTaS BUT...

I did add these 500 words to the chapter I already posted 😭

.

“Are you still there?”

“Of course,” comes the response, then, in a wry tone: “I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere for the next few days, actually.”

“Very funny,” she says flatly, but laughs despite herself. Cassian’s voice is still a little faint, but she finds it’s easier to talk to him like this, when her eyes can’t drift away to the lines twitching on the heart monitor or the tubes in his veins. Below, the city lights glimmer in the cool air, the highway encircling them in a thin ribbon of headlights, and beyond, the desert melts pitch-black into the night, pricked with the first handful of pale stars. The blanket around her shoulders is itchy, but it’s heavy and warm, and after all the noise and the scorching sun and the neon lights of the last few days, she welcomes the quiet. It feels safe, despite everything.

“I love you too, you know.” The words come out quietly but steady and sure, and it’s easier to say them than she thought it would be. And why shouldn’t it be easy, really? It’s true, and hopefully not news to either of them.

He doesn’t reply; there are a few unsteady, deep breaths, a long pause. Then, finally, he says: “I thought we’re not supposed to say that.” His voice is offhanded, or at least that’s what he wants it to sound like, but he doesn't quite get it right, and she can hear the smile in his voice.

She could just joke back, it’s an easy way out he’s offering her, but she doesn’t take it.

“Look, I’m just… when things go to shit, people have never really stuck around, and I’ve… it was always goodbye, when people told me that. So a part of me was… I don’t know, it felt like saying it’d make you leave. And letting you say it felt like letting you leave. You’re too decent to leave without goodbye, so… I thought if you just couldn’t say it, you wouldn’t leave.”

“I wasn’t planning to,” he says softly, after a long pause, and she grimaces, still staring up into the pinpricks in the sky.

“Liar.”

He exhales, slowly, and there’s a slight shake to it that could be pain or sadness or surprise. “I didn’t want to leave,” he says finally, in an even quieter voice. “That’s not a lie.”

“I know.”

“Good.” He sighs. "We - we should probably have this conversation when I'm... fully conscious."

"Probably. But past experience says we won't, right?"

Cassian makes a strangled sound, followed by a string of curses. "Please don't make me laugh. Broken rib."

"Four. Four broken ribs," she corrects petulantly. "Are you going to argue about the morphine with the nurse again? Because I will sick your boss on you. He's on my side on this, apparently."

"Jesus," Cassian mutters. "Okay. I won't. Promise."

"Good."

"I think he likes you, actually. Draven. In his own way."

She smiles faintly. "That matters to you? That your boss likes your girlfriend?"

"I... You need to stop talking like Mothma," he says after a brief pause, deflecting, and poorly at that.

"You need to stop comparing me to her or I'll start asking some very uncomfortable questions about your relationship to your therapist, Cassian."

Another pause, no less embarrassed than the first. "I'm not touching that." He sighs. “It's late, Jyn. You should go to bed. Get some sleep. I’ll be alright.”

“Not yet. It’s nice out here,” she says, tips her head back and smiles. “I can see the stars.” She snuggles deeper into her blanket and adds, on a whim: "You know what? I'll teach you some constellations, okay? When you're better. We'll drive out somewhere and -"

"It will be freezing by then, Jyn."

"Chicken," she says, grinning into the phone, and is met with a moment of indignant silence.

"We can bring blankets," she concedes, still smiling. "Army surplus. You'll be fine."

"I would like that," he says finally, in a soft tone of voice that sounds like he's surprised to hear himself say it. Mothma would tell her this is big for them, making plans for a future further away than the next three business days. It probably is, but it didn’t feel like a big deal when she said it. His tentative tone makes it seem like more – but not, she finds, in a bad way.

She might be enjoying it, actually.

She certainly enjoys the hopeful quiver in his voice it earned her.

"It's a date."

The cool wind brushes over her face, and she lets her eyes roam stretch of night sky until she’s found Lyra – or at least the upper corner that isn’t blocked by the building opposite.

She always finds that one. It has one of the brightest stars in the sky, her father had told her once, and her mother had rolled her eyes at him and whispered in her ear: Can you believe that’s the first thing this man ever said to me?

She pulls the other blankets to the floor and tries to make herself comfortable there in the small space between the chair and the balustrade. This will earn her a lecture from Bodhi, but she has no intention of waking her friends, and the sight of the stars makes her feel strangely safe.

“Cassian?”

“Yes?”

“Can you stay on the line for a bit?” she asks. “You don’t have to talk. Just don’t hang up.”

“Yes.” She thinks she hears a smile, and smiles back, letting her eyes drift shut.

“Sleep well, Jyn.”

She means to answer, say something more, but drifts off before it happens.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 1988 I’ve been up since 2:00 this morning and fell asleep around 7:30. Sasha, the stray cat I took in, woke me up. I was just falling asleep again at 3:00 when Andy M called. Our parents were friends for 30 years, but that ended in the 70s and I haven’t seen him since.

We talked about music and he played his keyboard for me. He’s quite good. I played a little guitar for him. He said he likes my style and was looking for a guitarist to play some songs he’d written. He also told me he was gay, too.

Tomorrow I see Nissan! I can’t wait. I really hope all goes well. She doesn’t come on till 1:30 and at 10:00 I have to see my doctor.

Later…

It’s now lunchtime and I’m at the Chinese place right next to La Baron.

I can’t wait to see Nissan. I just hope all goes well and I get some answers to some of my questions, like does she want me? I doubt it. I’m probably not good enough for her. It seems all I get is druggies or weak-minded losers. And why can’t I have anyone I’m attracted to???

Tonight I’ve got to finish recording those tapes. Also, I want to write her a copy of my songs such as My Time Has Come and Carry Me Away. I hope she likes them and doesn’t think they’re stupid.

It’s pouring out now just as they predicted it would on the news this morning. With my luck, it’ll pour when I get out of school.

I have to go back now and finish winding my perm rods.

Ok, I am back in the classroom. Miss Loretta and Diane are in here now talking so I guess I’ll write more.

Mom and Dad are visiting Goldie and Al, long-time family friends. She called me yesterday which was when she had said she was leaving but didn’t because of the rain.

I can’t wait till that house sells so I can hopefully move. When I do, they’re giving me the stuff in the house, then I’ll sell mine. Their washer and dryer will surely come in handy. I’m sick of lugging my laundry down the street.

I hope she doesn’t tell me to finish my perm rods yet because I want to write those notes of what to say to Nissan on the bus for Kevin if he ever tags along with me.

TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 1988 I finally met somebody and she’s gorgeous! She’s a PVTA bus driver. Her name is Nissan as in Nissan cars and trucks. I’ve had Nissan on my mind quite a bit.

Two Saturdays ago I took the Belmont bus up to see Dr. Donoghue, my new therapist/shrink, and the driver was this guy I’d seen quite often. He wanted to get together with me and I told him I’d prefer a woman. Then he kept questioning me about why I’m gay. You know how males are. So, near the end of the line, we passed this woman bus driver who he said was gay.

After seeing the doctor, I got the bus she drove, and oh my God! She was beautiful! I thought to myself, could she really be gay? Sure enough, she is, but she’s taken, but I think, or I should say I hope, I still stand a chance, as she says she’s having problems with her girlfriend. She’s had mostly boyfriends, though.

I rode with her last Saturday from 1:30 to 7:30 on the bus. At first, she seemed distant but then we were laughing and joking and she sang for me. She has a great voice. I sang for her, too.

She says my haircut makes me look younger and she’s gonna help me style it. She said with my hair done up nice and a little makeup and nice clothes, I’d be beautiful.

She gave me a tuna sandwich for lunch and also bought me some coffee.

This Saturday I’m going on the bus with her again. I asked her if she’d mind because if she did, I wouldn’t come back. She said I could, though.

I’m gonna bring her some of those Jerky treats she likes and make a tape of Gloria Estefan for her.

In the midst of our discussions, she told me that I have to get rid of my mean streak, and I really respect her, so I’ll try. Never would I ride a bus that long unless I’m in love. And I am, as you can see, but I wonder if she’d ever want someone like me. Maybe I’m not good enough for her.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 1988 I’ve decided to cut my hair off. It’s dead, uneven, unmanageable, and I can’t keep the ends from splitting. Also, it’s getting to be a pain in the ass and I’m sick of it. I’ve had it basically all my life. This way it’ll be easier to brush and it’ll only take two seconds to blow it dry.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 1988 I’m now in McDonald’s taking a late lunch break as I was tied up giving this Puerto Rican a manicure. Dolores was supposed to do it but she left school early. I’m the only one in class today. Lecenia and Sonya are absent. Well, I guess for my remaining two hours I’ll study my textbook and work on the mannequins.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 1988 Today sure is a sucky day. It’s raining out and I didn’t go to school. I had set my alarm for 7:15 and didn’t realize it was going off for an hour and a half later. Can you believe that?! It seems so weird that I can sleep so soundly with that thing blaring for so long. What is wrong with me? How can anyone sleep so deeply?

Later…

I just had a hell of a time trying to track down Mary C’s number, which was changed. First I called all the P's in the book but no one was related to John. Then I called Shell Mini Mart looking for Doug or the number. Doug’s been gone 3 months and this guy tried to find the number in a file. No suerte. Called Dunkin Donuts and got nowhere. Called where John works. He wasn’t there and no one knew his number and the guy was gonna go to the office to get it but it was locked up and he had no key. So finally I called McDonald’s where Crystal used to work to speak to Larry. He wasn’t there but the manager said he was in the book and gave me the name of the street. He’s listed under Arthur G. He’s not home but I’ll probably have luck there.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 1988 I’m now on my lunch break at McDonald’s, sitting by the window on the lookout for Nervous. So far there’s no sign of him, but I really doubt he has the guts to come spying on me.

Late last night I pulled a prank on him by calling him to tell him that I needed him to take me to the emergency room because my ankle was killing me.

He asks, “Are you serious or are you just playing a joke on me?”

I tell him I’m serious and then I lay in bed with all the lights off till he came and knocked on the back door a few times. I then jumped up to peek out the bedroom window, and man was he flying to that front door, desperate for it not to be a joke. He was a complete bundle of nerves, being teased with seeing me and all that.

I dialed his number and let it ring until he got home. When he picked up and didn’t say anything, I asked if he was going to talk or not, then asked him why he was running so quickly as if his life depended on it. All he said was, “Oh, just making a move.”

Well, that sure was quite a move for the little desperate boy!

I told him it was his April Fools I owed him and that I wanted to do it before I ended our friendship which was right now. He says, as I knew he would, “I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be around.”

I couldn't care less if the bastard spies on me, and I’m sure he will cuz he has no guts to come face me personally. Hey, the guy’s desperate. After all, he hasn’t made it with anyone in 5 years because he could never get anyone but a hooker. He has no friends. His phone will never ring anymore except for his mother. If he wanted company or to go do something, he has no friends to call. He deserves what he has and that’s nothing.

All I know is I had a hell of a grand time using him and he’s a sucker for it, too. I asked him if he realized I was using him, and he said yes. As hooked on me as he is, he couldn't care less, though. If anyone else asked him to take them to the store he’d say he was too tired or that he didn’t feel like it.

In 20 minutes, I have to return to school and take a test over that I failed because of long hard words I can’t even pronounce, then I’ll bust my ass working on the mannequins. School can get boring!

Later…

When I went back to school, I learned how to give a manicure and worked on my pin curls. I took two tests and got a 92% on both of them. Not bad.

You won’t believe what a hell of a night I had ranking on Nervioso. I sent him 3 pizzas and chicken from Quickies. The delivery guy was pissed.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 1988 I found out some baffling information about why I was put on disability. Mom says it’s cuz I could never hold a job, but social security says it’s cuz of my ear. Somebody’s lying somewhere.

Another thing is that when Ron and I went over to my parent’s house and told them we wanted to get married (God only knows why I ever considered marrying an ugly loser like he was!) they tried to convince me that if I got pregnant, I’d probably have a miscarriage or the baby would be deformed or have other problems cuz of the DES (a drug my mother took to keep from miscarrying me).

Dad was saying, “Would you want your kids to have the same problems you do?”

I just called a GYN that said that that’s pure bullshit. He said that if I really did have a chemical imbalance, it wouldn’t be because of the DES. Nor would my ear be. My parents just want me to believe I’d be an unfit mother. As if they were the greatest parents themselves!

Whether or not I really was DES-exposed, I believe I was an accident. Even Philip agrees. Larry’s 12 years older and Tammy’s 8½. People don’t normally space their kids out like that.

I’d love to view her medical records, but I’d need her permission and she’d never go for it. It seems my life has been based on too many lies. It’s not comforting to catch your own parents in lies. How can I trust them?

When Kevin’s sister Judy called the folks to bitch about my prank phone calls to her, after Kevin stupidly gave her their number, Dad told her that they were trying to get me into an institution down there and that they were paying my roommate to watch me.

I confronted Dad with this bullshit. He said nothing and ma denied it, but their silence spoke a thousand words. I believe his motivation behind that was to try to make Judy feel sorry for me so she wouldn’t prosecute, but she couldn’t have if she wanted to.

Tammy says that Ma was abused as a kid, but I don’t know too much about it. Ma does all her talking to Tammy. I’m too “mental and immature” for either of them to speak to. Whether or not she was abused herself is no excuse to be abusive.

Tammy lies just as much as Mom and Dad do. She says Mom never told her about my dispute with Jenny, which has ended our friendship, but I say that’s bullshit. There’s no other way she could find out. Whatever I tell Mom, she tells Tammy, and vice versa. In fact, I’m sure Tammy will run and call Mom to tell her what I discussed with her on the phone tonight. Only Tammy’s allowed to call. Not me. I’m too annoying.

As for the Jenny dispute, there’s not much to say there. I just got sick of her selfishness. I feel we’ve become too different over the years, too.

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 1988 I started hairdressing school at La Baron over on State St. I have never felt better! There’s nothing like having something to get up for in the morning and believe it or not I’m having no problem getting up. Sometimes I wake up before the alarm goes off! I think I should’ve done this two years ago. I need structure and routine. It takes my mind off of other bullshit.

[1-deadgirlwalking-1]

4/30/2024

(entry i forgot to post) oh goodness, i keep meaning to write and then not writing, and way more time has passed without me making a single entry than i thought. anyway it’s gotten easier every day to do simple tasks like dishes and cleaning and whatnot. but i’m still not doing good in terms of school, and personal hygiene, and cleaning my own room.

i feel like the second i started documenting my daily life i magically got way better and i’m like “dang this defeats the whole purpose of me documenting, because you can’t see most of the change and recovery. it’s already happened. i should’ve started writing when i was crazy and way more psychotic!” but that’s a silly thing to think.

most recent event, i went and saw my friends play! they were doing Shakespeare’s, As You Like It (adapted to be more modern, though i still didn’t understand half of what they were saying.) and i met their aunt they’ve told me a lot about! i found out she’s also in a band that sings covers of older music like 40’s-70’s, she’s even cooler than i was told. then afterwards we went to a restaurant and i got a cheeseburger called the “Freedom Burger” (eagle caws in the distance) it was extremely delicious but also 15 bucks. for a normal sized burger. c’mon now… i don’t care that much about the price anymore cause it was the best burger i’ve ever eaten and i wasn’t the one paying for it. but not much competition because all the burgers i’ve eaten have ranged from bad/subpar fast food to cooked on the grill on our back porch. except for that one burger i used to eat at the mexican restaurant in my hometown. that one was really good. also, A THING OF FRIES WAS 4 DOLLARS?? WHAT? insanity, truly.

anyway, my mental has actually gotten steadily worse throughout this month. i’ve been having more sad days and my delusions are getting the best of me. the other day i was going crazy, like “there’s people watching me through my eyes !!! they can read my mind and i cannot escape, ever !!” and the only way i was able to sooth myself was to just daydream and imagine hurt/comfort scenarios about me hurting myself. i haven’t gotten relapse urges in a long time but i still daydream about it sometimes.

also i still cannot sleep without headphones on because even if i don’t hear a noise that makes me go “THERES SOMETHING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, DEMONS DEMONS DEMONS. NOW I’M THINKING ABOUT THE DEMONS AND IT’S ATTRACTING THE DEMONS. AAAHHHH.” i’m anxious and can’t relax because i’m waiting to hear a noise.

sigh, i’m censoring a crap ton of this as well because i feel like my mom is going to find it and then confront me about everything i’ve written. maybe it’s just cause i’m sitting next to her right at this very moment. i think that’s it. her presence is making me very reluctant to write about anything super personal. i feel way too exposed right now. i’ll just go back and edit some of this later. (i did not do that.)

anyway, i have a therapy appointment tomorrow. my old therapist quit the profession entirely which is probably a good thing because i already have oversharing issues, having someone who’s entire job is to listen to my problems and who legally can’t tell anyone 99.99% of the shit i say because they could literally get fired if they do, gives me way too much power. i just start telling them shit just because i can, and then they continuously bring it up in other sessions and i’m like “um hahaha, what?? stop trying to bring up my personal issues that i regret telling you, i’m trying to tell you about the plot of my favorite tv show and all of petty drama i have fake arguments about in the shower...?”

going to a therapist willingly rather than because i’m legally required is great because once i make enough mistakes that i’m embarrassed to exist every time i see them and constantly thinking about all the things i’ve said wrong during our sessions. i can just leave. and then never come back. and then once i get bad enough mentally that i’m like “hey maybe i need to start seeing a therapist again.” my old therapist has already quit or moved away or i’m not qualified to see them anymore. yippee.

actually that’s a bad thing because i hate starting over and i hate being abandoned. like. my therapists constantly leaving me is not helping. i always leave them first anyway, but not intentionally, i’ll be having a good time and then my parents will forget to book me appointments more and more until i just stop going because i hate asking them to. i feel like i’m going “HEY MOM HEY DAD, REMEMBER HOW I’M SO SUPER CRAZY THAT I NEED TO GO SEE A DOCTOR SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT HOW DEPRESSED AND SAD AND CRAZY I AM FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR. PLEASE MAKE ME AN ANOTHER APPOINTMENT BECAUSE I NEED IT, IM SO MENTALLY ILL.” like. ugh... ew. no.

anyway while writing this i’m currently procrastinating on doing my 11 late assignments and studying for my permit test i need to take within this week. cries.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

 Katie and Horse 1/19/17

 (a hotel room in CT, woken early by “katie” with news from jakk)

He told you that he wanted….to have sex with me?

(a long pause)

Is he up right now?

(contemplates)

Is there any safe medium for us to speak? 

What is it? 

I keep seeing  “instagram”

Instagram private message?

 ( she starts pressing buttons on her phone) 

Oh

But if i send it right now, Blond will see it…

“So don’t send it now…..send it later.”

Does he know that i’m going crazy?

 He knows.

“He knows that Blond is being very aggressive. “

(pause)

Has he just, has he started…has he started the divorce process.

Is Jakk yelling at Blond? About what’s she doing? Is he really upset?

Should i tell him…that we’re talking about moving me to Chicago to get me away from her?

But that i really don’t want to leave.

(A shift)

Hi horse.You might have noticed that i turned into a bit of a wreck. 

Do you think i need to move to chicago?

No

Ok

You think i just have to work in stamford

Do you think i should extend my hyatt stay? Yes? Probably? 

This place is gonna work out? 

(looking out the window) it’s nice to be able to see trees, it’s perfect for me

It’s good for me. It’s the perfect corner. Hmmm. i could stay for…like a good week or so. Make some money. Get both rents paid, just get them out of the way. 

Can you do something about Blond? 

Is she still pregnant?

Is she gonna miscarry soon?(refers to the person texting her) Is this person from Blond? 

Is this person *Blond*? 

Should i write Jakk a letter while i’m here, and then bring it to Lafayette, and then tell him to burn it after he’s read it?

Does he have a letter for me at Lafayette?

Ok. 

(convinced) he has a letter for me. 

So next saturday, not this saturday, but next saturday ….i’m going with brenda. 

You swear that blond’s been doing spells on me. And on jakk. 

And she’s gonna miscarry soon.

Do her friends know how evil she is? 

Why did my old therapist appear in my dream….as i was supposed to go see a psychiatrist…Was that about old karma? Was that about her soothing me? Saying, you’ve figured out the root (starts crying) even though you don’t  understand what’s happening….you are figuring it out. 

Slow and steady wins the race.is that what that was? (teary) i needed to be soothed. 

And jakk loves me. Even if his wife has been psychologically poisoning me..for so long. And when i try to get to the truth….

Will you please talk to me. Please talk to me Jakk. 

Is he trying to get out? 

“Yes he’s trying to get out.”

Oh god…why did this happen now?

(laughs at transmission) 

Brenda says to turn it off. Do you think so? Ok. so what do i do about making her not harm me. How do i psychically protect myself, how do i make it so..is it true that she’s sending me……all those phone calls…*all* those phone calls are coming from her. 

(stressed) Fuck. (tries to breathe)

She thinks she has him trapped, but she doesn’t. 

(to self) it’s 36 degrees. 

The divorce started? 

(amazed) i feel that in my body. 

Yeah but we’ve been saying that for how long though. 

That would be nice. 

(End of tape)

GOD 1/19/17

(I remember in this second conversation that I was very upset because I was told katie was leaving me against her will)

(whispers) …explode (breathing slow, crying) 

Please explain what’s happening 

Am i connected to you? Yes

Am i connected to katie? 

Has blond been sending people to call me, and email me, and try to…get me…busted. 

Yeah

Fuck. 

Was that charles derren guy….was that Blond. 

Yes

Were the…did psalm 91 make her realize that you were on my side? 

Yes

Can i trust katie to guide me?

Yes

Are you worried..that i will…are you worried that i’ll kill myself…to follow her (sharp breath)

(voice breaking) If i promise you that i will not…if i promise you that i can maintain my connection with her…while on earth….will you let us stay as we are? 

I make you that promise. I need her. I need her with me. I can’t be here without her. 

(crying) ok. I’m barely hanging on. I need her though, ok? 

I understand that….we need to be careful.  (at this point, while typing this out , my eyes caught the time -17:57-and i could hear the real katie telling me to get her three off swords song, so i went to the she is always 17 list, & hit shuffle.  second chance by 38 special started to play with the words “since you’ve been gone, i’ve been in a trance” sticking out. The times when it turned 17:58 were :25/-4:40, 440 being “fables” & 25 being knight of wands. Then, immediately after that a kevin morby song  at 6:04 with the words “Katie, stop the song now, stop before I cry”)

 And understand that we have limitations..and that we probably should have someone who knows something about this situation explain it to us. 

Who would that person be?

Who would…have we met that person already?

Yes? 

Is it Langston? 

Langston’s the one? 

Ok. (haggard breathing) 

Am i safe up here?

Yes

Should i still meet with Blond’s mother? No

Should i tell…jakk to tell her that? No

Should i tell blond? No

Should i tell laurie? No

Just…..so i shouldn’t email Blond and tell her that i’m not gonna meet with her mother?

(sighs)

You don’t think i should tell her that her daughter has been ….you don’t think that i should tell her that her daughter has been harassing me?

(interpreting transmission)

You think i should send a message saying “your daughter has been harassing me and so i….disregard, i withdraw my request to meet you”

You think i should do that.

Ok. 

And she’s still pregnant? 

(end of tape)

[infiniteorbits]

and i wait.

i’ve gotten really good at writing eulogies. i think i write a new one every day, or at least once a week. “a new one” might be a bit of a stretch, they all kinda stem from the same couple of ideas. they usually start by saying how i was jealous of my dad, or that it was hard to be raised in his shadow. “in his shadow” is an unfair sentiment, and i note that these feelings are unfair of me to everyone at this funeral. i say how he lived an incredible life and while i felt hopeless because i could never be as amazing as he was, it let me be as much of a fuck-up as i wanted, because i could never be better. i say that i was always surprised that my dad was proud of me, when he went so much farther (further?) and did so much more than i ever did. he shouldn’t have been proud when i got a big part in a play, or did well on a test, or did anything, when you compare it to all he did. but maybe he was just a better person than i was, i say, and i hope people laugh. the one thing i had or did that he couldn’t do, the one leg up i have on him, was that i was raised by the best dad in the world. i got to be raised by him, and he didn’t. i probably wouldn’t say it like that though, knowing that my grandfather would be in the audience after watching his son die the same way his wife did. i’ve imagined giving this eulogy, or a eulogy, so often,

i practically have it memorized. he’s not even dead, he might not even die. yet. he will, and maybe i’ll give this speech with my own children in the audience, god i hope i give this speech with my children in the audience.

but then he starts talking about how he’s seizing the day, how he’s seeing all these places he’s always wanted to see, how he’s lucky that he knows the end could be soon, how people on 9/11 didn’t know and people who have spontaneous heart attacks didn’t know and he’s lucky. he says that all statistics are truly 50-50 because they work or they don’t but the next one is supposed to work, like actually work, but no one will tell him if he’s going to die and his therapist (his therapist!) tells him that he’s being unreasonable and they can’t tell him and gets straight with him about things like that and he likes that, he likes how she does that. and i ask my mom if my dad’s going to die and she says she doesn’t know and i keep asking and expecting her to suddenly break and tell me the answer and give a definitive answer but she can’t and she just sits next to me trying to stop tears from growing too visible in her eyes and i’m sitting at the foot of my bed and my mom looks so small and i want her to tell me that she knows what’s going to happen and that this is all almost over. but instead we sit there, and she says she’s proud i’m going back to therapy, that she’s sorry for last spring and that my dad and her were worried about me. i make some joke and we laugh and i later learn that my friend’s dad saw her a few days ago and she was barely keeping it together, that she seemed “really upset” and i feel bad for pushing her and telling her that i’m going back to therapy.

but i hate that they keep bringing it up, that they keep telling me things and i hate that i’m home and it’s not really home and i hate that they keep telling me things and it’s never things that i want to hear it’s never anything definitive except “we got the scans back” “it’s gotten worse” “we’ll keep trying.” it’s only regiments and circles and i’ve never wanted to leave so badly. the dorm isn’t my home because how could it be and now my home isn’t my home because how could it be. so now where do i go with this. i don’t know anyone here and i don’t think i know anyone there anymore. i’m supposed to hate people i used to love and love people i’ve never heard of. my sister drives me places and i sit and look out the car window and remember when we both used to sit in the back together.

i make my dad a playlist of my favorite songs. i skip the sad ones, even though those are really my favorites. i wait for people to tell me what i want to hear. i wait for home to feel like home again. i wait for conversations to feel normal again and to just feel normal again and again and again and i wait. i’ll keep waiting until i’ll find myself in a black dress one day, giving a eulogy planned out by an 18 year old me. i hope i’m left waiting a long time. i hope i’m left waiting for no time at all.

[inmyheadandthoughts]

14 November 2022

I have no idea if i’ll keep this up but...here we go. Hello to a new digital journal of sorts. I realised that my hands hurt more when writing than when typing (and my typing moves faster than writing which is great for my brain which rapid-fires sentences so much so that my hands cannot keep up), so i’m beginning to port all of my journal in here. TW// before i continue and if anyone is reading this, this blog will have mentions of anxiety, depression, the desire to end one’s life, self-harm, all that jazz. Yall know how it is on here, so just a heads up.

Why post a journal on a public domain?? I write my journals in a tone that is very aware of an audience for some reason (even when i keep all my entries to myself, is that weird?), so might as well just put it out there. I think i just needed a space to vent, and partly because i was inspired by Baek Se-Hee’s I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki - before the publication of her book she wrote alot of her thoughts online. And i’m just like, damn...that takes a lot of courage, to let people in on your inner thoughts. But perhaps it is almost comforting to do that in an almost-anonymous space. And if it resonates with strangers then...i guess that’s the beauty of the internet perhaps.

I’m trying very hard not to start this first entry on a morose note, but then again this journal is going to be very morose anyway. So...if anyone happens upon this blog, you know what to expect. I shan’t ramble today though - i’ve been falling sick and had a covid scare 3 times in 2 days (thankfully i’m still negative, we shall see the next day). And i’ve been wanting to write this in my journal for a long time now, but i think it’s burnout. I’ve never been this stressed out about a job (my “normal” levels already hover around “tense” and “overwhelmed”), but more so for this particular one. It’s almost as if someone is constantly watching over my back and waiting for me to make a mistake and embarrass me in front of the whole company and i’ll never get to come back from said mistake (which is what?? The only event in which that would happen is if i maybe embezzle funds or do some white-collar crime shit. Which obviously would never happen but i keep thinking about it, of course.) 

But anyway back to the situation that is burnout. It’s so obvious and yet i can’t quit - yet. For one it’s been getting more and more difficult to find a job in this economy and it’s...tiring. Everyday i question if i’m fit enough to do this professionally and i’ve been in this industry for 4+ years. Imposter syndrome will never go away it seems - and that feeds into my cycle of anxiety and depression (i want to be careful with using these words because i’ve never been formally diagnosed even if the symptoms are glaring, which brings me to another point i will address later on) and hence, burnout. Add social anxiety to the mix and you’ve got a whole killer cocktail of nerves and clenched jaws and i can never relax. Maybe on the weekends - but when i want to relax i remember that maybe i should call my friends to hang out but i don’t because i don’t know if they’ll want to see me. Returning to Baek Se-Hee’s book (god, i relate so much almost every page has a highlight/bookmark), it’s probably really just(?) my low self-esteem. And try as i might (i went to therapy for 2 years between mid-209 to late 2021) i wasn’t successful in even beginning to see the other side of the coin, which makes me incredibly guilty for not doing so. Why did i waste my money (damn therapy is expensive; it will never be subsidised in my country) and my therapist’s time? I’ve also been so forgetful that i almost never remember to do my therapy homework or i’ll do it and sweep in under rug of my brain (which was also the reason why i’d stopped going abruptly, the other reason being money lol). So...(i lost my train of thought. This happens frequently in my journals and i often chastise myself for not concluding entries properly. For what reason, i myself am unsure) 

Ah yes, my point was that maybe i want to take the money i “saved” from not going to therapy all these months to see if i can get formally diagnosed. For some reason i feel like test results would come back fine and the medical staff would just be like “why would you fake it? Were you going to use your fake-diagnosis as an excuse for your behaviour?” something along those lines. Maybe it’s just me and my problematic attitude (which i’ll try to explain and unpack perhaps.) But yeah i don’t know (i say this a lot as well, haha i really don’t know a lot of things LOL), maybe it might be a relief, regardless of the outcome of any diagnosis. Something tells me something is (almost) evidently wrong, but something tells me otherwise and that i’m faking it as an excuse, that maybe everyone is truly this miserable and i’m just not strong enough to cope well with it and get on with life. But if that were truly the case i’d not get on with it and find any means to an end, literally.

[cjsinkythoughts]

Rocks, Shoulders, and Ears

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 3501

Warnings: !FATWS SPOILERS!, Cursing, Major Angst in this one, guys, Loads of Feels (sorry not sorry), John Walker being a douche (I really don’t like the guy)

A/N: I’m SO SORRY! I promise I was planning on it being shorter, but I went a little overkill with the angst! There’s just so many feelings and not enough space in my heart and soul, so I had to pour them out here! You get to see more of Reader and Sam’s relationship in this one and there’s major Bucky Feels towards the end (in my defense, this is based on the Couples Therapy half of the episode).

I’m really hoping we get to see Bucky go to Louisiana next episode! I’m holding out for it! I have a few ideas that include Sarah, but I need the episode! Ugh! Now we have to wait a whole ‘nother week! I really shouldn’t write three chapters on one episode in one day. I just couldn’t help myself!

Anyways! Please enjoy this part and thank you so much for all your support! Seriously, it’s meant so much to me, especially after the week I’ve had! If you haven’t checked out the previous parts, my FATWS Series Masterlist is HERE, so please go read those first. Like always, this isn’t beta’d so please excuse any mistakes! Enjoy, babes!

!SPOILERS UNDER CUT!

The last thing you remembered was falling asleep in Bucky’s arms after walking a few miles. And a hospital in DC wasn’t exactly what you preferred waking up to, but it’s what happened. Turned out, not only was your shoulder dislocated and your thigh was strained, but you had a mild concussion. Your arm was in a sling and your palm, which you had completely forgotten about after you wrapped it while on Bucky’s back, was wrapped properly. Luckily, your thigh wasn’t too bad, but they wanted to put you on crutches, which you refused immediately.

You had to get out of that building. You had no idea where the guys went, which was weird because you were sure they’d never leave you alone. Especially in a hospital.

You quickly snuck your way through the halls after grabbing your bag which - thank God - was left on the seat besides your bed and changing into an extra pair of clothes. 

You tried calling Bucky’s phone, the one he had specifically for you, which he always always answered. He even made an excuse to go to the bathroom once when you accidentally called in the middle of a therapy session. Nothing. You called the number four times before trying Sam’s phone.

It clicked on the first try.

“Hey. Listen, sorry for leaving-”

“Where the hell are you?”

You heard him sigh. “I was just about to explain, so hang on a second there. You weren’t waking up, probably because that concussion you forgot to mention to us-”

“In my defense, I didn’t know.”

“Sure you didn’t.” You rolled your eyes, throwing your free hand up, exasperated. “Anyways, Bucky wanted me to meet someone, we’ll talk about that when you inevitably get here, put we had a bit of trouble and Bucky was arrested-”

“What?!”

“Chill your pants, Y/L/N. Just listen. We’re in Baltimore. I’ll text you the address. Get here soon and I’ll explain the whole thing. We’ve been here for a couple hours, but there’s people on their way and we’re getting everything situated right now.”

“Okay. Fine. But you’re in trouble.”

“Don’t I know it, babe. Now hurry your cute little ass here. We’ve got stuff to talk about.”

*****************

The ride from DC to Baltimore is usually an hour or so, but you’ve got resources, especially in the nation’s capital, and riding the bike you got, being able to go way over the speed limit? You got there in half the time. Being an Avenger really does have its perks.

The moment you got there, you hopped off the bike, not even bothering to turn it off, and stormed into the precinct. You headed straight over to the desk, but a pair of hands caught you by your uninjured arm before you could make a scene.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Sam spoke softly, squeezing your bicep gently. “He’s okay, alright?”

“Why is he-”

“He missed his court-mandated therapy session.” Sam informed you, pulling you over to where he had been sitting previously. “There was a warrant out for his arrest. They had to bring him in, but it’s fine. His therapist’s been contacted. She should be here any minute to get him out.”

Your head fell back at his words. His therapy. How could you forget? You let Bucky complain to you about it and played along sometimes, but you really did think it was good for him and you tried supporting him. Yet you made him miss it and now he’s in trouble.

“Hey. Y/N. Look at me.” You found Sam’s worried eyes, his hand coming up to hold the side of your neck. “He’s okay. He’ll be out in just a bit. It’s fine.”

“It’s my fault, Sam.”

“No. It’s not. He’s a grown ass man who made the decision to skip.”

You shook your head, holding his wrist for something to anchor you down. “No, Sammy. I brought him along. I should’ve been more responsible-”

“I know we’ve joked around about you being in charge and stuff, but…you know it’s not all on your shoulders, right?” Sam tilted his head slightly, eyebrow pinched in confusion making his eyes narrow. 

You turned your head, not wanting to look at him. You didn’t need another set of deep eyes to fall into. “Sammy…I promised him I’d look after you.”

“I know. And that’s fine. But looking after us - looking after him - doesn’t mean you have to be there to hold his hand and take the fall for him. He’s not a child. Hell, he’s a hundred years old. Tell me you understand that.”

Licking your lips, you closed your eyes and shook your head again. “I-I can’t-”

“Is that why you’re obsessed with finding Wanda?”

You frowned at his question, eyes snapping to his. “I’m worried about her, Sam.”

“I am too, but she can handle herself. And if she doesn’t want to be found, you have to let her be. I know the Avengers were your only family. I know how much Steve meant to you-”

“No.” You pulled away rather harshly, digging your nails into your palms, trying not to cry, ignoring the wound you were irritating. “No, you don’t. How could you understand my feelings for Steve when I don’t understand them myself?”

Sam always had this ability to make anyone feel important, just by looking them in the eye. It was something you always admired about him; the way his smile could light up a room, those warm eyes making everyone’s fears go away. They reminded you of hot chocolate. Something that could soothe your worries, comfort you, warm your very soul from the ice tragedy and heartache tend to big on.

You promised yourself you wouldn’t cry in front of people, but with the way he was looking at you, it was hard to keep the tears from slipping.

“You loved him, Y/N. Why is it so hard for you to see that?”

“I didn’t - I wasn’t in love with him, Sam.” You argued, wiping your cheeks aggressively and turning, crossing your arms defensively.

“What do you call it then?”

It was a rhetorical question, Sam copying your movements and sitting straight to watch for Bucky coming out. A rhetorical question that you didn’t know the answer to. Because you weren’t in love with Steve. No. Maybe you had been, but somewhere along the way he passed your heart to Bucky. So why did it hurt so bad?

You refused to dwell on it anymore, clearing your throat and dabbing at your eyes one more time before changing the topic. “Why are we in Baltimore?”

“Bucky wanted me to meet someone. Isaiah. You know him?” Sam turned back to you, his warm eyes shifting into something else. Suspicion? A bit of anger? Annoyance? You couldn’t tell.

“Isaiah? I don’t think I know any Isaiahs. And definitely not here. Why? Who is he?”

Sam shook his head, eyes darting around the lobby. “We’ll talk about it later.”

You nodded, although now your curiosity had peaked and you wondered who this guy was that made Sam so agitated. While you waited, you felt your eyes drooping and you let your head fall onto Sam’s shoulder, who chuckled.

“You’re still tired? You know you slept for, like, twelve hours, right?”

“I haven’t been sleeping much.”

Sam turned his head to kiss yours. “Y/N, I know you want to care for everyone, but you’ve gotta take care of yourself too.”

“I know.”

“Okay.” And with that, the subject dropped, Sam pulling out his phone while you rested your eyes.

It was another ten minutes or so before Sam’s name was called and the both of you stood up to greet the speaker. A woman, Dr. Raynor. Bucky’s infamous therapist.

And speaking of infamous. The moment you heard his voice, you squeezed your eyes shut, hoping it was just your brain malfunctioning. And then he was walking towards you, calling Bucky ‘Bucky’ like they were old pals and he was saving him from something terrible.

Your face scrunched up as Walker talked about stopping Bucky’s regular therapy sessions. “He’s too valuable of an asset to have him tied up-”

“Don’t call him an asset.” You snapped. “He’s a human being with needs, and therapy-”

“He’s a super soldier with skills that we need.” Walker cut in, making you scowl as he turned back to Raynor.

You scoffed in disbelief at his words, turning on your heel and walking away before he did, heading straight for Bucky, who lifted his right arm, wrapping it around your shoulders once you were close enough.

“Are you okay?” You whispered, closing your eyes and trying to relax in his hold, breathing him in.

“Are you? Should you be walking? What did-”

You shook your head. “I’m fine.”

“Really?”

“Promise.” You sighed out with a nod, squeezing him once more before pulling back as Raynor stepped forwards, ordering Bucky and Sam to do a session with her. You almost laughed when Sam tried refusing, a little chuckle actually leaving your lips when Bucky slumped, dragging his feet like a kid going to the principal’s office.

You followed, Bucky holding the door open for you. “Thanks, Buck.”

“Of course, doll.” He gave a small smile, before walking in after you, Sam letting out a, “hey!” when Bucky shut the door on him, making you roll your eyes. You let the corners of your mouth tick up slightly in amusement. Yes, they annoyed the hell out of you, but you had to admit it was pretty funny sometimes.

“I believe I asked for James and Sam, Ms. Y/L/N.”

“It’s Agent, actually, and I think I’m gonna sit in.”

Raynor narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think-”

“That wasn’t a request.” You threw her words to Sam back at her, making Sam smirk. You shot him a wink as she relented with a sigh. 

“Fine. Just as a spectator. Don't interrupt.”

You raise your hands in surrender, slipping around the table to stand in the corner as your fellas sank down into the seats across the table from her.

A small puff of laughter came from you at the lack of response when she asked one of them to start. She shot you a warning look over her shoulder, but you shrugged. You couldn’t help it; it was like all those times back in grade school when a teacher asked for a volunteer to read in a classroom full of rowdy kids and crickets followed.

Once she mentioned the next exercise was used for couples, you had to laugh, making both men shoot you begging pouts.

“Y/N.” Raynor glared at you, so you controlled yourself, gesturing for her to continue.

Her miracle question did work so well, neither of them cooperating well.

She didn’t even bother with you when you started cackling after she mentioned the “soul-gazing exercise” and Bucky thanked her, Sam commenting that he would like this one. You gave a teasing wolf-whistle when they got close, one of Bucky’s thighs between Sam’s and vice versa.

“Doll.” Bucky whined at you.

“Listen here, smartass-”

Raynor cleared her throat, cutting Sam off from finishing his statement towards you. You leaned back against the wall, crossing your arms with a smirk. After all the bickering and side taking they’ve put her through, letting you enjoy this was the least they could do, and they knew it.

Of course, this exercise didn’t work out either. A staring contest. Children. She was best friends with literal children.

But then something happened. Something you never thought would happen. Raynor asked Bucky why Sam aggravated him, and Bucky looked over to you, his eye growing sad in a way they only did when Steve was involved.

“Steve believed in you.” Bucky told him earnestly. “He trusted you. He gave you that shield for a reason. That shield? That is…that is everything he stood for. That is his legacy. He gave you that shield, and you threw it away like it was nothing.  So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, he was wrong about me.”

You heard his voice crack a little at the end as he slumped down in his seat, you jaw dropping slightly. You listened to the rest of the conversation, catching the way Sam grew irritated again, something that you didn’t previously think was possible, but was happening more and more now.

Why wasn’t Sam talking to you? Why was he holding all this in suddenly? And why…Bucky…he didn’t tell you that. Why didn’t he say anything? How could he ever feel…

But you knew how he could feel like that. Yes, Steve believed in him so much that he tore the Avengers apart for him…but he was the only one willing to do that for him. Yeah, you and Sam and Wanda and Clint, you all joined their side but, being honest, it wasn’t because you believed in Bucky. It was because you believed in Steve. Of course, it was different now. You believed in Bucky with your entire being, and you believed in Sam with your heart and soul, but…did either of them know that? Did they believe you when you told them? Or did you not tell them enough? This whole time you thought you were doing right by Steve - trying you damn hardest to watch out for them. But it obviously wasn’t enough. And that was on you, no matter what Sam said.

You read people. That’s what you’ve always done, that’s what you’d always do. It was the reason you earned your spot on the team. You read people and situations and could figure your way into their heads in a second. Years and years of undercover work taught you how to do that and how to protect yourself while doing so.

So why? How? How did you miss something this big? How did you miss the way Sam was holding onto something? Why did you ignore the vexation in his tone for the last couple weeks? How did you miss that Bucky was hurting that deeply? Why didn’t you do anything more for him?

You left the room before either of the boys, but you heard Sam standing up as you walked out the door.

You should’ve known you weren’t the only one holding things in. Of course they were. The difference is, you were supposed to be their rock, the thing they could hold onto to ground themselves, the shoulder for them to cry on, and the ear lent to them whenever they needed someone to listen. That was your job. It wasn’t their job. Not for you. Your rock - your shoulder, your ear - he left you. And you thought, after all he did for you, if you just returned the favor for his best friends, you’d…you dunno. You’d be closer to him, maybe.

But you couldn’t. Because you weren’t Steve Rogers. And you knew that from the start, but you had to try. You tried. And it wasn’t working. He made it seem so easy when he did it for you. Clearly you didn’t give him enough credit for dealing with all your shit on top of his own.

“Doll.” You didn’t stop walking, needing to get outside for some fresh air. “Doll, hold on. Wait a minute.”

He grabbed your arm as you made it outside, spinning you to face him. “You didn’t tell me.” You spoke quietly, your voice fragile as you stared at him, confusion and hurt in your eyes. Were you really that bad at doing your job? Did you really already fail him? He asked you to do one thing…

“I didn’t…I didn’t want you to deal with my problems.” You opened your mouth, but he shook his head, holding your face between his hands. “I’m not stupid, Y/N. I know something’s going on with you. You’re good at hiding your nightmares at night, but I’m better. You’re jumpier than usual. Quieter. Every time Wanda’s brought up, you turn away. And the other day? On the truck? You froze. I was watching, doll. It was just a second, but you froze. You never freeze.”

“It’s not your job to worry about me, Buck-”

He frowned, tilting his head. “Not my job? Aren’t we friends? Isn’t that what friends do? Or am I just a job to you? I know you promised him to look after me. Is that all I am to you? A responsibility?”

You shook your head vigorously, holding onto his wrists. “No. No, Bucky, I just-”

“Do you think he was wrong about me?”

Salty diamonds ran down your cheeks as you clenched your eyes shut and shook your head. “No.”

“Did you ever believe in me? Did you ever care or was it all just because Steve? Is Steve the only reason you tolerate me?”

“Don’t say that. God, please don’t say that.” You begged quietly, meeting his gaze again. Every beautiful detail was laced with devastation, eyes imploring her to make him feel better. “Of course I believe in you. I have since Wakanda, you know that. Yes, okay, maybe Steve is why I helped you at first, but-but…I care about you, James. So much so that it hurts sometimes. He wasn’t wrong about you. Or Sammy. You both mean so much to me. Okay?”

You watched his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed thickly, nodding slightly. You both simultaneously moved to get closer, him pulling you while you stepped into his chest, arms around his waist. His arms were tight around your shoulder, holding you just as firm as the kiss he planted on your forehead.

Sam came out, planting himself besides you as you pulled away, Bucky wiping your eyes. “I feel better.” He huffed out sarcastically, making you smack him in the arm. “Ow! Yeesh. Women these days.”

The sudden siren of one of the parked police cars made the three of you look over, spotting Walker and Hoskins. You groaned. “Did he see that?”

“Hey,” Bucky caught your jaw between his fingers, shaking his head. “Who cares? It’s between us and us only. Right?” You nodded, making him kiss your forehead again, a whisper of “attagirl” against your skin. You hadn’t heard that from him in a while.

“Gentlemen!” Walker waved them over, nodding at you. “And lady.” The three of you reluctantly walked over, Bucky going to lean on the police car Walker and Hoskins were near and you hopped up to sit on the hood of the police car across from them, Sam besides you.

You got information from Walker, who was once again trying to get you to work with him, but Sam summed it up nicely, explaining that the three of you didn’t have to follow the rules he did. You started to leave, Bucky tucking you under his arms once you slid off the car, when Walker stopped you once more.

“A word of advice, then. Stay the hell out of my way.”

You grumbled under your breath as the faker and his lapdog walked off. “I’m gonna kill him.” You vowed as the three of you started in the other direction. “I swear to God, I’m gonna rip that shield off his back and use it to beat him in that stupid face of his-”

“Down, girl.” Sam jested, flicking your ear. “We need a game plan. What’re we thinking?”

Your eyes narrowed as Bucky piped up, talking about the Isaiah character - who you still didn’t know - before HYDRA entered the equation.

“Absolutely not.” You shook your head, tugging his arm to make him stop once he mentioned Siberia. “Do you remember Siberia? Because if you’re actually suggesting what I think you’re suggesting, we remember Siberia very differently.”

“He’s our best bet-”

“So you’re just going to go sit in a room with this guy?”

Bucky scrunched up his nose. “Ye-yes…”

A beat of silence passed before Sam gave his stamp of approval, but you still disagreed. “There’s no way this’ll end well and I refuse to let you-”

You found your face between Bucky’s hands again. You really wished he’d stop doing that and just ask for your attention. You didn’t mean that, of course. You’d be held by him every second of every day if you could. “Don’t you trust me, doll?”

You licked your lips, looking around the darkened street. This was not a good idea. A bad plan - a terrible plan, really - but, unfortunately, it was the only one you had. “Dammit. I’ve got a really bad feeling about this.” You finally sighed, running a hand through your hair after Bucky let go of you, his eyebrow quirking.

“Is that a yes?”

Sam nodded. “We’re gonna go see Zemo.”

You tugged Bucky’s hand when he nodded back and went to walk after Sam, who started walking around the corner, making him stop. “And yes. I do trust you. With everything I have, Buckaroo.”

[katishome]

Grumps n’ Sweets

Pairings: CEO!Harry x Chef!Y/n

Summary: Harrys mending on his broken heart when he runs into the one person that could save him.

Warnings: Slight angst, swearing, aggressive behavior.

Word count: 1.5k

Harry still cried into his pillow every night wishing she was there. He’d never forgive himself for fucking everything up. He didn’t even know where she was, or what she did. Had she gone back to Georgia? God knows. Maybe she went to live with her dad in Miami. Probably not, but things might have changed.

“How are we doing today Harry?” Ruth, Harry’s therapist, asked.

“The same,” he replied flatly.

“Sad?”

“Yes,” he confirmed. “And angry.”

“What’s going through your head right now?” Ruth wondered.

“I’m furious with myself. I can’t believe I let her go, and I can’t believe I still haven’t fucking done anything about it.”

When they had broken up, and Harry began seeing Ruth, he decided to not ever tell her her name. So they just said her, that was all that was needed to say, he would get too emotional if he heard her name again. He saved his tears for his pillow.

“If she were here, what would you do? What would you say to her?”

“I-I’d ask if I could touch her, and I’d apologize for everything. And if she said I could touch her, I’d h-hug her so tight. And tell her I love her, an-and I’ll never hurt her again,” he was getting emotional. So his lips formed a straight line and his soft tone turned cold.

Ruth had asked this question once before, and she knew that over the years Harry only became more remorseful. So she knew that couldn’t be all he had to say. “Harry, try not to shut down. I know this is so hard for you, but you won’t get anywhere if you close yourself off.”

“‘ave a meeting. Thank you Ruth, I’ll talk to you later.”

That was that, shutting his computer, he blew his nose into a tissue before walking to the conference room.

He was always a closed book. He wasn’t exactly mean, but private. That all changed when she left. His moods became permanently sour, he was stoic and cruel. An intern getting him the wrong coffee? Fired. Walking into his office without permission, even though you knocked? Fired. People could hear his screams from all around the office when someone was fired. His comforting smile was never seen again.

***

“What?” Harry spat.

“U-um they were out of uh- the um almond croissants,” Laura, his new intern, stuttered.

“Uh uh I uh don’t fucking care! Go to a different bakery then!”

Harry didn’t care for the pastry, you could barely taste the nuts and if you did it was just a burnt flavor. He usually just let it sit on his desk until he was too hungry to wait for Laura to bring him what he actually wanted and pick the almonds off to eat it. Although Harry hated the taste, he loved the smell. He ordered it every morning, reminiscing how she used to have one every Saturday morning and pouting about how it was cold once she actually sat down to eat it.

“I did, they didn’t have any either.”

“Then get me a chocolate one,” he ordered.

“Y-yes sir.”

Those he actually liked, but

ate with a sour expression.

***

“Mr. Styles?”

“What?”

“I have your coffee,” Laura smiled gently. She placed the cup in front of him.

“The fuck is this, Laura?” He spat as he tried to look through the small hole you drink from.

“It’s your coffee!” She was too loud and chipper.

“‘Chai Tea Latte’ sound like my order?”

She jumped back at his booming voice.

“I- No Mr. Styles, I’ll go get your coffee.”

“Black fucking coffee one sugar! What’s so hard to remember?” Laura picked up the coffee and fled from his office, her heels clicking against the tile.

***

Harry sat back and sipped his coffee, frowning at the creamy taste. Storming out of the office and to the elevator, he harshly threw the cup into the trash can beside Laura’s desk. Huffing and glaring at his useless assistant. You would probably feel his anger if you were to stand next to him. He was fucking fuming.

“Medium black coffee, one sugar,” he mumbled.

“Okay! What’s the name?”

“Harry.”

And there she was. Just kneading some dough he could only assume was for the croissants. Has she been here all these years? At the little coffee shop across the street? The one with the candles on the counter? And the display of little cakes and tarts? She’s been hidden away in that kitchen all this time?

“Styles Da-”

“It’s me, Laura. Move my next meeting to this afternoon,” he demanded.

“Ok Mr. Styles, anything else?”

“No, goodbye Laura.”

He sat down at a table in the middle of the shop, where he had a good sight of her moving around and cooking. He even forgot about his half drunk coffee until it was cold. And only left when his client called to inform him he was on his way.

***

He did the same thing on Thursday. Moved all his meetings and appointments to the afternoon so he could sit and watch her. Now he didn’t need to eat those god awful croissants just so he could have a little piece of her with him; now she was actually there, and he could eat whatever he felt like.

Then again on Friday.

Even came in on his days off just so he could see her.

The 5 different baristas had even begun to remember his coffee order, since he was trying to go through the food menu to find what he liked best. So far it was the Lemon-Strawberry scone.

Harry didn’t know what he was going to do about it, he’d have to speak to Ruth. But for now, he was content with just being in her presence, even if she was in another room entirely. She was there, and happy, and that’s all that matters.

***

“Would you like some lunch Mr. Styles? That coffee shop across the street has some really good fresh pasta!”

“Sure, get me whatever. And a salad.”

Wait. The cafe across the street? Nevermind, he’ll get it himself.

“Actually Laura, why don’t you take off the rest of the day? I’ll get my own lunch.”

***

He found time to go and sit at the small shop at around 2:30. It was relatively empty and his usual baristas were nowhere to be soon.

“I’ll be right with you!” A voice shouted from the kitchen. Y/n’s voice. She walked out and stopped in her tracks, and Harry’s breath caught in his chest. This was not how he was planning to confront her, what now?

“Harry,” she sighed.

“Y/n.” His heart was going a mile a minute. He had butterflies in his stomach.

They just stood and stared for a moment.

“We’re closed.”

“You just said you’d be right with me,” Harry almost whined.

“Well, now we’re closed.” She was short and uncaring, “come back earlier tomorrow then.”

So he did, and requested for the chef to take his “allergy specific” order. He had no allergies, he just wanted an excuse to talk to her.

“Harry, I have to work. Order something or leave, I can’t stand here all day.”

***

Everyday this week, He would stand outside the shop’s front door at exactly 9:28 A.M. Two minutes before they open. Thinking of how he was going to make her smile, and how he’d ask for her number.

And everyday this week, Y/n unlocked the door and made a beeline for the kitchen before he could even start his sentence.

He frowned deeply when it wasn’t Y/n who unlocked the door on Friday morning. Pouting to himself as he ordered his coffee and stomped his way back to his office. Even though she refused to acknowledge him, seeing her up close was keeping him going.

And after another two weeks of being completely ignored, he decided to show up 15 minutes before they opened, that would surely guarantee that she said something to him.

He wasn’t expecting it to snow, but he decided to go along with the plan anyways. Maybe he should’ve worn some warmer clothes though.

He was too busy blowing warm air onto his hands to realize the door open.

“What Harry? What do you want?”

“Please, Y/n. C’mon. Just five minutes, please,” he begged.

“No, Harry. Go back to your office.”

***

“She won’t fuckin’ talk to me!” He shouted.

“Harry, deep breaths. She doesn’t want to talk to you, she’s not ready. You need to give her space-”

“I don’t want to give her space, I want her to talk to me,” he whined. Deep down, Harry was a soft, sensitive baby. There were 4 people that got to see him like that, Ruth, his mom, stepdad, and sister. No one else.

“Don’t push it, if you push her, she’ll be less likely to want to talk, Harry. You need to let her think.”

“She’s had weeks to think! I’ve stopped by everyday for weeks! Sometimes multiple times a day!”

“Is that letting her breathe and giving her space, Harry?”

“No,” he frowned sheepishly. His eyes filled with tears and he let out a whimper.

“But I love her.”

Part 2

[lubdubsworld]

物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)

Characters : Alpha! Jungkook x Omega ! OC.

ABO Dynamics.

Genre : Arranged Marriage / Temporary contractual Marriage.

Warnings : Non- Con/ Extremely Dubious Consent . High functioning alcoholism. Genre related consent issues. Implied suicidal thoughts. 

Summary : A recently widowed Jungkook agrees to a contract marriage to keep his company afloat. His grief overwhelms him and it is hard to look at his new wife as anything other than an intruder .

[  Author’s Note :  物の哀れ ~ Mono no aware can be translated as ‘the sadness of things’. It comes from the words 物 (mono – thing) and 哀れ (aware – poignancy or pathos). The ‘sadness’ in question comes from an awareness of the transience of things, as taught by Zen Buddhism. When we view something exceptionally beautiful, we might feel sad because we know it won’t stay so beautiful forever – but appreciation only heightens the pleasure we take in the beautiful thing in that moment. ]

Chapter 1

 Chapter 2

I wrapped the white wool shawl tighter around my shoulders. The night was still chilly and the and smelt faintly of impending rain. Why they would plan a party outside while it rained, was beyond me.

After my little skirmish with Jungkook, I had found Namjoon quickly only to be told that we couldn’t leave for another hour at least because there was a  certain investor who wanted to meet Namjoon . The guy was running late and he had to wait for him. So here I stood, shivering lightly, all while keeping an eye on my husband as he got progressively drunk.

Namjoon’s words made me sigh a little.

“You can’t decide what someone else’s normal is, Namjoon. Especially when it comes to grief.  But the drinking is an issue. And you’re right about the therapist. I know she’s doing her best but I’m not sure if she has the right answers for him. Or even the right tools to help him.”

“I’ve been searching up on therapists who specialize with alphas. There’s one in Itaewon , his name is Kim Taehyung. I really think he could help. He’s an alpha himself.”

“That sounds good. Betas may not fully understand alpha mating bonds or what it’s like when one of them dies. Taehyung may have a better understanding of what Jungkook’s going through.” I nodded, a little hopeful. 

Therapy with the beta lady the hospital had recommended wasn’t really helping Jungkook the way it ought to.

Namjoon hesitated.

“Would you be willing to go with him? Taehyung insists a family member stay in the waiting room just in case...” he asked gently. I turned back to look at my husband, leaning on the mahogany countertop of the bar, fingers curled around a glass of whiskey.

“And I’m the one you want to consider for that? That’s ridiculous. Jungkook hates me.” Did I really have remind him of this salient fact? 

“I’ve offered to, before.  He doesn’t want me there." I sighed as Jungkook threw the drink back with ease.

“That was three months ago though. Things have changed now right?” Namjoon prodded.

I laughed, shaking my head.

“Not between us they haven’t. He’s spending more time with Mina and he isn’t throwing stuff around but he still loathes me.”

“He loathes what you represent: his own shortcomings and failures. Your father wasn’t kind in his approach and you are a reminder of all the things he can’t control.”

How fucking unfair,  I thought playing with the tiny  ring on my finger ( or should i say handcuff really? ), my wedding ring , the platinum band engraved with my husband’s name, a drop of his blood embossed into the metal. 

An archaic tradition, that carried no meaning in modern Seoul but the idea of it was still alive and well. The idea that what we had was a blood bond, imbued in our veins now.  An alpha’s connection with a beta or an alpha mate was usually quite fragile. But an alpha and omega mate bond. That was supposed to be powerful. 

Unless the alpha was still phantom bonded to a dead wife , that is. It was odd thing. Mate bonds had to be mutual to work. So there was no bond between Jungkook and I . We didn’t have any feelings for each other of course. But wearing someone’s blood on yourself changed that . it forced a bond that wasn’t there. It was ancient magic and it worked on my kind. Not on his. 

How fucking unfair because it wasn’t like I could control any of this either? 

I grimaced. I had thought of taking the ring off 

“Ouch.” I said with a smile. Namjoon waved off my self pity with an eye roll. 

“You know what I mean. Even for an Alpha, Jungkook has always held on to his pride. Losing his wife and his company all in the same week probably left him feeling incredibly helpless and your father browbeat him into this whole thing. Of course he isn’t going to be eager to share heart to heart talks with you. ”

I held my hand up. 

“I know all that Namjoon. I was there, remember? And I’m not blaming him for any of that. Trauma makes you do shitty things and I understand that . I also understand that if he was in his right mind he wouldn’t behave the way he does now. But that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t change his mind for him. If he doesn’t want to get help, I’m kind of helpless myself, you know?”

Namjoon reached out and squeezed my hand.  

“I’m just asking you this because , he does listen to you at times. I’ve noticed it. He doesn’t outwardly agree with you but he takes your opinions into consideration. And, Heejin you live with him and you’re the one who managed to convince him to start scenting Mina. ”

And God, how exhausting that had been. I had kept at it because Mina was so young and she needed her father’s scent to grow. And while i could be persistent when necessary,  I couldn’t work miracles. 

“Namjoon oppa, “ I said softly, trying to explain myself without sounding like a horrible human, “  I don’t hate Jungkook. Far from it. I want him to get the help he needs and I’m here for him. If you can convince him to go see Taehyung and he’s okay with me coming along, I won’t say no. Mina needs him and there’s nothing I would like more than for him to get better. ” i smiled a little, “ But he’s still going to have to be the one to make that choice. i can’t make it for him.” 

Namjoon nodded.

“ Fair enough. Well,  I’ll talk to him about it. We’ll set something up. Thank you for not refusing Heejinah. I know it can’t be easy for you either. 

I opened my mouth to respond but out of the corner of my eyes I caught a glimpse of someone, staring intently right at me.

 I turned sharply, eyes locking with those of Kim Yugyeom and I stiffened, stepping closer to Namjoon on instinct.  Yugyeom smirked, winking at me. 

I shuddered in disgust. 

Creep.

Namjoon followed my line of vision and swore.

“This motherfucker.” He made to move towards him. and I grabbed his arm, fingers digging into his forearm. The last thing i wanted to witness was an alpha alpha showdown in the middle of a party with me in the middle. 

“Please, no. Don’t make a scene. It’s what he wants.”

“Jungkook has the shittiest friends on the planet.” Namjoon shook his head and I couldn’t agree more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mina’s appointment with the doctor went about as expected. She was right on time with her milestones and I sat in the waiting office for a mere twenty minutes before being called in. The doctor, an alpha named Min Yoongi gave me a small smile of recognition before flipping through the pages of her file.

“ Jungkook didn’t come along?” He asked casually, grabbing a pen and making a note of her weight and length before plotting it on the small graph. She was a little on the smaller side but she was growing well. 

“He’s busy...” i said with a shrug, “ So I still keep giving her the polyvisol supplements?” 

Yoongi nodded, “ The nurse will fill in the prescription for you. Are you sure he’s busy? He called me last night and told me he wanted to come see me?” 

I blinked. 

“He did ? “ I couldn’t quite process this. 

“He wanted to talk about how she’s doing and I told him he could come in for her appointment today.”

I imagined a world where Jungkook actually spoke to me, instead of forcing  me to navigate stormy waters on rotten plywood. Nine more months, i told myself firmly, already digging for my phone. Nine more months and I would be out of this living hell I’d gotten trapped in. 

“Can I try calling him? He’s probably forgotten. I think he might regret missing out.” I begged and Yoongi gave me a small smile, waving me off. 

“Of course you can Heejin-ah and tell him that if he wants I can drop by at the office and talk to him as well.” 

I nodded quickly , moving out to the waiting area while the nurses held Mina, soothing her before getting her ready for her shots. I tried calling him and not surprisingly he didn’t pick up. I called his office next and Jungkook’s secretary picked up the phone .

The woman hated me. 

“He’s busy.” She said curtly.” He’s specifically asked me not to bother him with stuff that isn’t important.” 

Her whiny voice grated on my ears and i bit my lips to keep the irritation in. 

“Since when does his daughter make that list, Ms Lee?” I said calmly and she hesitated. 

“He’s in a meeting right now and-”

“I’m in the hospital with his daughter. I hope you’re willing to take the heat when he finds out that you wouldn’t let me get through to him. “ I said casually. 

It was a twisted version of the truth for sure. Meant to imply that Mina was hurt in some way. But I couldn’t bring myself to regret it much. I had enough on my plate without dealing with twenty year old secretaries who fancied themselves in love with their hot boss. 

 “I... just a moment, Mrs. Jeon.” 

I loathed the name. It wasn’t mine. It was hers and I felt like a thief every time someone addressed me that way.

After two minutes, Jungkook’s  familiarly low and perpetually exhausted voice came out ,

“Hello? Heejin?” He sounded listless and his voice just a little slurred and i groaned. 

“Please tell me you aren’t drunk.” I whispered. 

“I’m not. “ He said shortly. “ What’s wrong? What happened? Is Mina alright? ”

“Did you tell Yoongi that you were going to meet him today?” 

He was quiet for a second. 

“i’ll talk to him.”

He hung up and I stared at the phone. I realized that I shouldn’t have called him in the first place. Should have asked Yoongi to call him himself. What was wrong with me? Even a few syllables exchanged with Jungkook felt like staring into an abyss . 

I moved back to the clinic , just as Mina plaintive wail filled the room. The shots were done. It took us another thirty five minutes to finish filling her prescriptions and for Yoongi to finish examining her. She was already dozing off and I wasn’t supposed to feed her for another thirty minutes so perhaps the nap would do her good.  I had just finished settling her into her Bjorn carrier  when Jungkook’s voice came from the entryway. 

“Is this the way to Dr. Min’s office?” 

I glanced back to watch him . He looked ridiculously handsome in a three piece suit, jacket thrown over his arm and hair lightly damp from the misty drizzle outside. I saw the secretary’s mouth actually drop open and stay agape as she tried to process his questions. i could see the way his beauty had rendered her entirely witless and as someone who had experienced it first hand , i could sympathize, 

But Jungkook was beginning to look annoyed from the lack of response and i decided to give the poor girl a break. 

“He’s waiting for you.” I called out and Jungkook startled. He glanced up at me and for some reason he looked surprised. He always looked surprised when he saw me. As if i was just some monster out of his worst nightmares turning up in odd places . As if he couldn’t quite believe that i did exist in his life now. Unwelcome but impossible to avoid. 

“You’re here.” He said blankly. 

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. 

“Yes, i am. I’ve been here for three months now. “ i said shortly, before i could stop myself, “ Mina’s fine.  She just had her shots. I’m going to drive home and put her down for a nap. Do you want me to come with you ?” I pointed at the clinic. 

He hesitated before shaking his head. 

It was all according to script then. Jungkook would never include me in a single thing. Even if i was smack damn in the middle of the room with nowhere else to go. 

“Alright. i’ll see you after work.” 

“We’ll have guests for dinner today. ” He said suddenly. 

I stared at him, confused.

“For dinner??”

“ Sooah’s parents.” 

Oh, God. 

Wary of the extra nurses suddenly filling the room, the little whispers and the curious glances, i kept my smile even. 

“Of course. ” I bowed a little before turning on my heel and walking away. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sooah’s parents were, for lack of a better word, selfish . 

They had lost a daughter, so of course i could understand with their need to keep their daughter’s memory alive. But the way they chose to do it was unhealthy and borderline vindictive. 

" She’s growing well.” Mrs. Kim had the same statuesque figure as her model daughter and she held her grandchild with a slightly unsure grip and Mina felt the uncertainty in her grip, breaking out into cries at once. I stayed still, my throat dry from disuse. I hadn’t said a word since they came in. 

We were seated at the table, dinner was done. 

Jungkook sat next to me, staring straight ahead while his father in law tried to engage him in conversation. 

With Jungkook, the grief came in waves. Some days, the waves were small and gentle, like the ones that lapped at your feet on the shore of a tranquil lake. on those days e went about his day as usual, spoke to his friends and signed deals.  And somedays they were big, behemoths carrying guilt and accusation, crashing over his head with a vengeance. 

On those days , he looked like he’d been run over by a two ton truck. 

Today was just one of those days and i could sense it.

The man was going on an on about some charity that Sooah had been involved in as a young girl... Could Jungkook make a contribution in her name?. Could Jungkook pay for a concert of her favorite singer in her hometown..?  Could Jungkook possibly consider contributing to opening a foundation in her name? 

I could feel the urge to scream, grow by the minute.

 Each syllable that spilled out of her father’s mouth was aggravating, the sentences began and ended with her name, over and over over again and It felt terribly like she was standing right next to me, ice cold and dead but real and relentless at the same time. He spoke of her like she was still alive and i couldn’t fathom how that was healthy. How that was going to help Jungkook move on.

 If anything it made it harder for him to move on. 

And in a moment of chilling clarity, i realized  that this is what they wanted. 

They didn’t want Jungkook to move on from her. They wanted him to be consumed by her. In the wake of that realization , i felt anger surge. 

There was just enough hurt and heartbreak and pain and grief in this room without these idiots adding to it. 

“Jungkook is tired tonight, uncle.. Perhaps we can discuss this later.” I said finally, unable to bear it any more.

The man gave me a glare.

“I wasn’t talking to you girl.” He said sharply. I frowned. 

“We’re trying to help Jungkook. “ The woman said sharply. “ Unlike you and your father we do not prey on the weak. “ 

Jungkook shifted at the phrase and I glared at her.

“He isn’t weak. “ I snapped, resisting the urge to add on a you bitch , “He’s grieving . And what he needs is space to process his grief. Not you people trying to shove your daughter into his throat with every sentence. “

“Don’t you dare talk about our daughter!” Mrs. Kim snarled and i felt a headache come on.

“I thought that was why you were here? To talk about her? Or should I say use her as an excuse to get money out of him??  What you’re doing is unfair and awful!! . Jungkook isn’t ready to talk about this and one look at his face should tell you that, if you even bothered looking at anything except his wallet.” I shouted. 

“Heejin, that’s enough.” Jungkook said hoarsely and i bit my lips. 

Of course he wasn’t going to support me even if we were on the same side. Defending him, protecting him was exhausting and it was such a thankless job. i wanted it to end. 

“I think we should call this a night. please, just leave” I said sharply, standing up and reaching for Mina. She glared at me but handed the baby over. 

“You don’t get to make that decision. My son in law is who I’m here to see. You’re just the parasite that’s attached herself to him. You sit there in my daughter’s place and you dare disrespect me this way. ” The woman snapped.

“Its still my house. “ I gritted out. “ I’m married to Jungkook whether you like it or not and so i have the right to ask you to get out of my house.” 

“Heejin, stop.” Jungkook’s voice only made me angrier. He sounded drained and empty and still these leeches wanted to suck him dry. And he was too  blind to see it. 

“I’m done with this” I stood up moving to the small pack and play that sat in the corner of the living room. i placed Mina in and watcher her eyes flutter shut gently. 

i turned back to stare at Mrs. Kim.

“i want the pair of you to leave. Get out before I call security.” 

She gaped at me. 

“you had a wedding... that doesn’t make it a fucking marriage. “ she sneered. “ Its probably not even legal until you consummate it. So go ahead, call the cops right now. You think i wouldn’t take you to court. ??!! ” 

She was spouting absolute nonsense, probably driven by her own grief  but i wasn’t feeling particularly charitable tonight. 

“Why don’t you ask your son in law that? Ask him if the marriage was consummated or not...” I smirked. 

She faltered, eyes wide and disbelieving.

“No. You’re lying ...he wouldn’t.” She turned to Jungkook who looked at me with fury in his eyes. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He said sharply and I scoffed.

“With me? What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with these idiots that they think they can come here and ask you to sign a fucking cheque when you’re still out here grieving for their daughter?!”

“You don’t know shit about them or her...” 

“I don’t have to. I don’t have to and i don’t care to either. All I know is that i married you and you’re my husband and whether you meant those vows or not, i did. I swore in front of my God and my family and I’m going to keep those promises. I’m going to protect you because I love your daughter . I’m going to protect you because you need to fucking live to be able to care for her. “ 

i turned to stare at his in-laws. They were staring at me, some of the fire dying out and in the span of a few minutes they somehow looked older . 

“You don’t deserve to be here.” Mr. Kim said finally, voice cracking and i exhaled. 

“And yet, here I am. And I’m not leaving. you are.” I said calmly. 

They stared at me for one more second before standing up and moving out of the dining space and into the hallways leading out. 

“We’ll call you later Jungkook-ah...” The man said before walking out of the door and slamming it shut behind him. 

The silence between us grew heavier as the seconds ticked. 

“We can’t decide how people grieve.” Jungkook said softly. 

I stared at him in disbelief. 

“You’re telling  me  that , Jungkook? Or did you forget all the times I indulged you when the only way you could grieve was apparently  by forcing yourself on me.” i snapped. 

His eyes widened , just a fraction before going blank again. 

He took a deep breath and went on. 

“They lost their daughter and they’re hurting. We can’t tell them they aren’t allowed to honor her memory...They’re clearly in pain...”

“Not more than you!” i snapped. “ You’re the one in pain here Jungkook. Your pain is so much more than theirs ..... Or may be it isn’t i don’t know.. But i do know that I can’t sit here and watch them bleed all over you when you’re cut just as deep as them.” 

“You don’t know shit about e!” He roared. “ Don’t you fucking dare talk about my grief like you can understand it...like you actually know what its like to lose the woman who had your fucking heart, because if you did you wouldn’t have agreed to this fucking marriage...you wouldn’t be here in this room with me, intruding on my grief and my pain... “

The sound of his voice made my entire body freeze in fear. I stayed perfectly still, jumping when he crossed the distance between us and grabbed my face, fingers curling around my jaw. 

“ You want to know how i wanted to grieve? I wanted to grieve in solitude!!! I wanted to grieve without some fucking stranger hovering over my shoulder like a fucking plague!”

I exhaled shakily, fingers trembling as i reached up to hold his wrist, my entire jaw throbbing with how hard his grip was. 

“It’s the price you pay for getting your company back. Jeon Jungkook. “ I choked out.” Or did you forget that marrying me is the reason you aren’t homeless on the streets “

He laughed a little yanking me closer and wrapping an arm around my waist.

“You’ve learned to talk back these days...” He muttered , “ I think I preferred the girl who hid in the nursery for the first three weeks of our wedding.” 

“I wasn’t hiding . I was avoiding you. Because your misery was contagious and i didn’t want any of it on me.” I snapped and his hold on my waist tightened. 

“Are you trying to make me angry? ” He snapped, fingers curling on my waist and I swallowed the whimper of pain that threatened. 

“Maybe i am... Maybe anything is better than watching you walk around this house like a corpse. You’re alive so I don’t see why you act like you died with her.” 

He growled at that, eyes blazing as he stepped back enough to stare into my face. 

“You’re right... I didn’t die with her. Although i wanted to...Maybe if i wasn’t such a fucking coward, i would have gone through with it.  .” He laughed and I felt my heart go ice cold at the very thought of it. 

“You didn’t die... So why don’t you get some help. There’s no shame in getting help... Taehyung...”

“I don’t need help. i need to be alone.” He snarled. “ I need to be allowed to cry and mourn my wife the way I want to but you and your father made sure that i couldn’t.”

I sighed, looking away in defeat. 

“Fucking look at me!” He snarled, hands grabbing both my arms and yanking me forward. “ Why won’t you look at me huh?  is the guilt finally catching up?” 

“No. No guilt. Just loathing and resentment.” I snapped back and he laughed again.

“Well too bad. Because you know what? You’re right. I paid for my company with my right to grieve and you...you paid for my name with your right to say no . “ 

I swallowed as he yanked me away from the table, dragging me to the couch in the side. 

“ I never refused you a thing.” I choked out, breathing ragged as he shoved me into the soft leather surface, crawling on top of me at once. “ I only said no when you were drunk out of your mind. When you thought it was okay to fuck me and call me by her name.” 

He made swift work of the buttons of my blouse and I stayed still, arms lying by my side. 

“ Are you telling me you want this ? You expect me to believe you want my hands on your body?” He sneered, fingers moving up to grip my hair. “You don’t want this and you don’t want me....Just like i don’t want you either. i’ll never want you. ” 

“You don’t want me.??.. You have a funny way of showing it..”  I scoffed , staring right into his eyes rolling my hips up into his  , greeted by the hard press of his length against my thigh.   “ And to be honest i don’t give a damn if you’re still in love with her , all I want is my name on your lips if you want to get off with me. Because I’m not just a toy you can use to replace your dead wife. I have  a name and you should remember it.  "

He growled again, fingers squeezing hard against the back of my head till my scalp felt like it was on fire.

“I hate you. “ He said clearly. “ I hate you and everything you’ve done to me.” 

“Everything I’ve done to you? Oh you mean save your life? Taek care of your baby girl like she was my own? Give you the chance to rebuild your entire career.? Turn you into multi millionaire again?  Good. Hate me. The feelings mutual. “ I snapped. “Now if you hate me so much why are you still here? Get off me.” 

“I’m not going anywhere, wife.” He sneered. “ Because like you said, I’ve paid for this.” He drawled, reaching down and squeezing between my legs. “And I’d be a pretty bad businessman if i don’t collect from my investments.” 

Before I could retort, he pulled back, just enough to grab me by the waist and flip me over on my front. I flinched when he grabbed my arms, yanking them back and trapping my wrists together in his fist at the base of my spine. My cheeks pressed into the leather couch, sticky and uncomfortable. 

i heard the sound of his zipper, the clink of his belt buckle. 

Coward. 

I shivered when he pushed my skirt up.

“Don’t enjoy this too much, yeah?” I snapped, “ You hate me remember?” 

“Easy enough to forget its you when I don’t have to look at you.” he retorted. 

He slipped one arm under my waist, lifting me up just enough for him to yank my panties down. 

“Just remember , you don’t get to blame the alcohol for this .” I sneered. “ You’re sober and clear headed and you’re hard for me. “ 

Somehow that seemed to bother him.

He stopped . 

I could feel the hesitation in his limbs. 

It made me laugh. 

“You know Jungkook, i took you for lot of things but a coward wasn’t one of them.”

“What the fuck does that mean huh? I should put you in your fucking place for how insolent you are with me... ” he pressed down on me and i gasped when I felt his chest pressing into my back, his face inches from my own. I flinched when he sank his teeth into the mating mark on my neck. 

“it means that if you’re going to do this, if you’re going to talk big about putting me in my place like the big bad alpha that you are, at least own up to the fact that you’re attracted to me. ” 

“ You forget your fucking place, omega.”  he hissed, voice sharp and furious against my ear. “ Another word out of that mouth and i won’t be responsible for what i do.” I gritted my teeth when he curled his fingers around the inside of my thigh, parting my legs and settling in between. 

He pushed into me in one strong thrust and my eyes flew open in shock. 

“Fuck.... why are you so fucking tight...” He groaned and my shoulders began to throb as he fucked into me, setting a punishing speed that left both of us panting . We were too fucking would up for it to last any longer than a few minutes and yet, i could feel pleasure swell inside me, wetness seeping out of me and onto the leather couch beneath us. 

I wondered just how fucked up this whole thing was. Just how much damage were we doing to each other?? But it was hard to care too much about it, because even if though it was a terrible way to talk things out at least he had talked. It was nothing new....nothing earth shatteringly enlightening but he had said it all out loud and that made a difference. 

“You think you can come into my life and dictate how i fucking live.” He grunted against my ear, fingers tightening on my hair. “ it pisses me off.” 

“Everyone dies, Jungkook. People die and they leave loved ones behind but Life goes on. It has to go on. You can’t just pause life to grieve. Mina needs you.” I felt my eyes begin to sting with tears, the adrenaline from the argument fading and my body threatening to go limp as he drove into me at the same punishing pace. 

He didn’t respond, fingers closing around my throat and squeezing lightly instead.

“Save your platitudes before i decide that the warmth of your body isn’t worth the grate of your voice on my ear.” He snapped and I whimpered when he stilled, spilling into me. 

He stayed pressed up against me. breathing harshly against my ear and i waited till both our breaths evened out. 

“It’s not selfish to move on Jungkook. You aren’t insulting your wife’s memory by wanting to move on.  “ I said softly. ” Someday your heart and mind will agree with me. Whether you like it or not. That’s just how pain works, Jungkook. One day it’ll pack itself up and walk out of your heart in the middle of the night. You just have to hold on till then.” 

He didn’t reply, merely drawing himself up and off me. 

Once i heard the door to his bedroom slam shut i dragged myself up , thighs shaking and sticky. I grimaced at the mess on the couch. I stared at the packet of baby wipes on the table nearby and shuddered. That just felt wrong. 

I’d just have to go grab a washcloth from the bathroom. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On that weekend, we had another dinner to attend, this time with a few investors from out of the country or so Namjoon told me. 

Although we didn’t talk about what happened and he didn’t try to touch me again, things were subtly different. 

Something had changed in the way Jungkook behaved with me. There was a little less of the usual zombie like indifference and he actually seemed to be avoiding alcohol actively. It was a welcome change. But to make up for it, Mina went into a growth spurt. Which meant ten minute naps every hours or so with wailing sobs in between. 

i was exhausted. 

So much so that Jungkook told me that he didn’t want to pick Mina up from Seokjin’s place till the next day. 

It was a little past one in the morning when I finally trudged into the apartment. Jungkook wasn’t black out drunk but he was definitely a little loose limbed, eyes just a shade more glassy than usual.

��Tonight went well. I’m thinking the guy from Macau is definitely going to consider investing.” He muttered, gripping the door frame and taking off his shoes.

I toed my own heels off, feeling upset and bereft.

“Why would you tell Jin oppa that we’ll get Mina in the morning? She’s not used to being away the whole night.” I complained, feeling jittery and nervous because the house felt so empty and strange .

I didn’t like the idea of being alone with Jungkook without the buffer of his daughter between us. The house felt foreign, the walls seemingly closer together , the space to cramped.

Jungkook dropped his keys in the bowl and tugged on his tie, watching me carefully.

“It’s too late and Jin hyung said she was already asleep. He’ll drop her off in the morning. Just relax. Would you like a drink?”

I stared at him. 

What now? 

He looked nervous and a tad worried.

 Swallowing , I shook my head, turning on my heel.  

“I’m going to bed.” I was almost at the door to the nursery when he grabbed my arm, seemingly moving faster than I could breathe.

“Wait, Heejin… “ He stopped, worrying his lip between his teeth before sighing, “I… I need to say something..” He finished and I exhaled sharply.

I tugged on my arm but he wouldn’t let go.

“Jungkook , let me go.” I said sharply. “ I’m not in the mood tonight . You aren’t drunk now and I’m running out of reasons to excuse your actions.”

His hold on my arm relaxed but he didn’t let go.

“Namjoon hyung told me about that new therapist.... Kim Taehyung?? . I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He said roughly.  

I sighed, defeated. It was expected and yet it stung. I wondered if perhaps I was just beating a dead horse at this point. But Mina deserved to have a father who loved her with all his heart and Jungkook’s heart was so filled with grief it had no place for his daughter. If there was any chance I could help change that, I would take it.

I tugged my arm away again and this time he let go.

I tried to smile encouragingly. it was hard because i was all out of comfort, my own exhaustion too overwhelming at the moment.

So I took a deep breath and reached out to lightly touch his arm. 

“Listen, no one’s asking you to make a decision tonight, Jungkook.” I tried to smile a bit more widely but it probably came out as a grimace, “ Just sleep on it and think about why you think it isn’t a good idea. Taehyung’s an alpha and he may understand you better. Think about it and you can let Namjoon know later.”

He didn’t reply, merely staring at me till I began to feel a little hot around the collar.

“Well, Good night then.” I made to turn away but he grabbed me again, this time by my wrist.

“Wait.”

Patience wearing just a little thin, I stared at him, waiting as he requested.

“I’m sorry about what I said that night. At the party last week. About you not being her mother.   I shouldn’t have said that.”

It was the first time he had apologized for anything.

It took me a second to even remember what he was talking about. 

“Alright. I’m not mad. And I understand why you said it. Its fine. And you’re right. I’m not her mother and I should be more careful. ”

He nodded and then stepped back.

“ I’m sorry. For a lot of things. ”  He bowed awkwardly and I could only stare at him, shaking my head. The apologies were somehow both welcome and abhorrent to me. 

They were the kind of apology you would offer a stranger. And that made them insincere because I wasn’t a stranger. I’d been through too much these past few months, to be treated that way. 

For now I could only accept them at face value. 

“ Its alright. Just go to bed Jungkook. And listen to Namjoon oppa . I know you don’t trust me but you should trust him. He only wants what’s best for you. ”

I sounded twenty years older than I actually was and grimaced.

"There’s one more thing. Can I... I need... “ He stopped and stared at the floor. 

I felt a huge sense of foreboding rise up at that. 

“Are you going to pull the i paid for your body card? “ I said bitterly. “ You made it very clear that i can’t say no. I don’t see why you’re bothering to-”

“You can say no.” He said softly. “ You can say no.” 

And then he looked up at with limpid doe eyes, shining with all the stars in the galaxy and I wanted to sob at the unfairness of it all. 

“ And if I say no, where will you go? To a brothel? you’ll come back smelling like another beta or omega and you can’t come near your daughter till it fades. Which is what? A week? “ 

Jungkook didn’t say anything and I felt helpless. 

“Is that why you sent her away tonight?” I demanded and he looked genuinely surprised. 

“What? No. Of course not . i just...You looked exhausted. I thought you’d like a night off. And just... I don’t want to have sex. Can you just sleep with me. I just... I don’t want to be alone tonight.” 

“What’s so special about tonight?” i rolled my eyes already moving to his bedroom instead of the nursery. 

He stared at me for a few seconds, eyes empty in the dark of the hallway. 

I waited a whole minute before sighing. This was excruciating and my heels hurt from wearing heels all evening. i wanted to curl into the air mattress on the floor of the nursery , possibly lie sleepless till dawn and then drive down to pick Mina up from Jin’s place. 

“Jungkook , let’s just go to bed and forget-” 

“Its her birthday.” 

I barely heard him, his lips barely moved and his voice was so low. 

I stared at him. Not sure if I’d misheard. 

“What?”

“Its her birthday. “ He repeated. 

“You can say her name.” i said calmly. “ You’re not betraying her by saying her name out loud in front of me.” 

He went a little stiff at that and i wanted to kick myself for the remark. What a hypocrite I was. I’d reprimanded Namjoon for trying to dictate Jungkook’s grief and here I was , doing the exact same thing. 

“I’m sorry. God, Jungkook... I’m sorry. i shouldn’t have said that.  i didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me.. I... of course you don’t have to be alone. Should i call Namjoon oppa? Or Jimin?” I asked gently. 

“It’s Sooah’s birthday.” He was still staring at the floor, apparently he hadn’t heard a word I’d said. 

I had a sudden flash of memory, remembering that Jungkook used to sing. He had sung at his wedding seven years ago. Serenaded his wife as she walked down the aisle. I had been young then but i remembered thinking how evident his love was in every syllable sung .

Something i could hear even now, in the way he said her name. 

“Okay. What would you like to do? I... I can make seaweed soup.” I said softly. “ We can go see her if you like?” 

He stared at me. 

“I want to go alone.” He said finally. 

I hesitated. 

“I’ll drive you. i’ll stay in the car. You can’t drive.” I reminded him. 

Jungkook’s driver’s license had been suspended after one too many traffic violations. I drove him around often . 

He didn’t reply, staring out of the huge bay windows and i sighed. 

“Alright... Why don’t you go change  into something more comfortable yeah? i’ll get the soup going and we, “ i bit my lips, “ , I’m sorry, And you can go see her.  “ I smiled, before moving to the kitchen and grabbing the dried seaweed. I soaked it in cold water, before getting the beef, garlic, soy sauce, salt and pepper and the sesame oil from the cupboards. 

Ten minutes later, the soup was boiling away and I peered out at the door leading to his bedroom. I was still wearing the cocktail gown and my head was beginning to throb. I oved to the nursery and stripped quickly, slipping on my white t shirt and a pair of pink corduroy shorts. 

I would be in the car anyway.  By the time i finished taking off all my make up, the soup was done and Jungkook was slumped over the counter. He looked drained, more so than usual . In fact he looked notably worse than how he was ten minutes ago. 

Torn between the urge to draw him into my arms and the helpless knowledge that he would absolutely hate me touching him , i merely hovered near the stove, pouring the stove into a small airtight container. 

On a whim I moved to the cupboard  in the corner that housed all the crockery and threw it open. 

“What was her favorite bowl?” I said casually, staring at him. 

He blinked, staring at me like i was speaking a foreign tongue. 

“Her favorite bowl , Jungkook The one she always drank or ate from?” 

He swallowed but leaned his palms down on the granite countertop, levering himself off the tall stool of the kitchen island and making his way over to me. I stepped back, giving him space to peer into the depths of the black marble shelves. 

He finally stuck a hand in and drew out a pale yellow and mauve bowl , a little worn but intact. 

He held it carefully, running his fingers gently over the bowl, savoring the surface his wife had once caressed with her own fingers. I watched as his lips curved, a pale pale imitation of a smile but a smile nonetheless and I felt my breath catch in my throat. 

This was probably the first time he’d smiled in the three months i’d known him. 

My heart began to pound, a steady staccato that began rising in volume and i willed myself to stay calm. 

“I..uh.. I can wash it for you.” I said softly .

The smile disappeared as quickly as it had come and he stared at my outstretched hand like it was a snake . 

Face almost eerily blank he cleared his throat. 

“I’ll do it.” 

i watched as he moved to wash the bowl under the spray from the faucet and finished clearing up the kitchen. i grabbed a small bag to keep the sea wood soup in and held the bag open when Jungkook finished washing the bowls. He grabbed a fresh kitchen towel and carefully wiped down the moisture before wrapping the bowl in the towel and keeping it inside the bag, carefully. 

I smiled and zipped the bag shut. 

“Lets go shall we?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I sat waiting in the car, staring out into the darkness of the parking lot, while the rain poured torrents outside the glass windows of the car. I felt unaccountably alone, like I was the only human being left on the planet. 

It had been a little past an hour since Jungkook had disappeared into the building that held his wife’s ashes. I wasn’t sure if i should give him a call. Had he fallen asleep in there. 

I told myself I would wait another hour and if he didn’t come out, I would go check on him. 

I dozed lightly against the window, exhaustion beginning to creep in. I wanted to sob at how tired i was. I could have gotten a full nights sleep, something i hadn’t had since the day I took Mina into my arms. 

But then, i remembered the tiny smile that had sprung up on his face and i grinned despite myself. That was progress wasn’t it? It definitely was. I was sure that if only Jungkook could be convinced to go meet Taehyung , the alpha therapist, things could get so much better for him. I wanted to have him at least halfway to being ..... capable of handling his own daughter, before i left him. if not the worry alone would eat me alive. 

I was just getting ready to perhaps climb over the console and nap in the backseat when my phone rang. 

I glanced at the dashboard, frowning. it was two thirty in the morning. 

Who?

I grabbed my phone from the bag and my heart leapt to my throat. 

“Jin? What’s wrong? What happened to her?” I could feel my heart threatening to give out, any number of terrible possibilities running through my head in a vicious loop.

“nothing happened, Heejin , take a deep breath... She’s just running a fever. it was quite low earlier but its hitting 101  now and I’m getting a little worried. I’ve given her cold baths and kept a wet towel on her but it doesn’t seem to be coming down.” 

“We’ll be there in ten minutes! “ i said quickly.

“I’m sorry, Heejinah, i don’t have any experience with babies and-”

“it’s alright...thank you for calling me oppa!” i hung up , already fumbling with the door and stepping out into the rain. i was soaked through in three second flat. What a day to wear a white t shirt. 

I ran quickly, stumbling a little on the gravel pathway and hoping to God i was going the right way. I ran into the foyer, the poor security guard falling asleep over his desk glancing up at me in sympathy. 

“there was a man here earlier?”

“Second floor third room.” He said casually.

I nodded, already rushing for the steps. I climbed the four flights of stair in two minutes, my heart threatening to give out. I found Jungkook in the room , kneeling on the floor and he looked at me in shock that swiftly turned to anger.

“Jungkook-” i gasped because the run up had robbed me of my breath. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He moved so quickly I could barely blink before he was right up in front of me. 

“Jungkook, I... We need...” I tried to draw a breath in but before I could form the words he grabbed my arm, so hard that I whimpered in pain. 

“I told you i wanted to be alone, what the fuck is your fucking problem?!” He snarled.

“Jungkook-” Before i could finish, he yanked me just a bit closer to him before shoving me out of the room with his wife’s portraits and the small ornate vase that held her ashes. 

it wasn’t that hard. 

He didn’t push me in a very brutal way. 

In fact it was probably with lesser force than what anyone slamming a door would use. 

But,

Jungkook was six feet two. He weighed a 170 pounds. 

I was a hundred pounds wet and barely came up to his shoulders. 

And it was just my luck that the wall opposite to the door had a large concrete and granite horse figurine placed right in front of it.  

I crashed into the torso of the equine, my bones rattling inside me and I whimpered when my wrist made contact with the hard surface, bending a bit out of place. 

I slid to the floor in a wet lump, trying to catch my breath and process what had just happened.

Jungkook stood frozen by the door horrified as he stared at his hands, as thought he couldn’t quite fathom what he had just done. 

A sharp burning pain began in my sides and I gasped out.

“Oh, fuck.” I swore. 

Jungkook moved to help me up but i was already crawling away from him, scrambling to my feet, ignoring the ache in my side.

“I’m sorry.” I said softly, holding both my hands up. “ It’s Mina...she’s running a fever. We need to go get her.” 

“Heejin-ah, I’m...”

One more apology and i would officially lose it, i thought slightly hysterically. 

“its my fault.” I said sharply, “  I should have probably tried calling you from the car instead of barging in like this but Jin called and i got worried...I wasn’t thinking straight so I’m sorry about that... I think we should go get her as soon as we can.” 

“Did i hurt you?” He demanded , reaching out for me again and I nearly fell again trying to move away from his touch. 

“No.. No I’m fine.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure, we don’t have to go the doctor.?  “ He asked nervously, watching me carefully wipe down her body with the slightly damp wet cloth. I nodded, carefully squeezing the water out before dipping the towel in water again. 

“She’ll be fine. Her fever’s come down and with babies this young, its safer to care for them at home than to take them to a hospital.” I said casually, 

 “I wasn’t talking about her.” He said stiltedly. 

I blinked, staring up at him in surprise. 

“What?”

“I think we should go to the doctor. You fell hard. ”

“Jungkook what are you even on about?” I said crossly, steadfastly ignoring the pain in my sides. It was sharp and unbearable with every breath I took in but I was too terrified to go to the hospital and have them tell me I’d cracked my rib or something. 

Partly because that would be so inconvenient. 

Partly because Jungkook would probably go back to being a guilt ridden shadow of himself if that happened. 

“I’m going to call Yoongi hyung.” 

Before I could protests some more he was already on his feet, moving to the living room.

Yoongi arrived thirty minutes later , annoyed and sleepy, dressed in a soft white t shirt and stone wash jeans. 

“It’s four thirty in the morning , she better be dying Jungkook..” He rasped out near the front door and i flinched at the murderous tone to his voice. 

Suddenly , i hoped desperately that my ribs had cracked. 

Yoongi stepped in , staring at me . He took in the mess of quilts i sat on and sighed. 

“Come here and take your shirt off.” He said gruffly. 

I blinked, feeling blood rush to my face. Was he always this handsome? Hating the very unwelcome flutter of nerves, I moved to stand in front of him, grabbing the hem of my t shirt .

But the movement jolted my rib and pain sharp and lancing shot through my side. I yelped and dropped my hand again breathing harshly which only seemed to make things worse. 

I swallowed and Yoongi blinked, reaching out to gently grip my elbows. 

“Hey...relax ... “ He said gently. 

I felt the press of a warm chest at my back.

“Let me help hyung.” Jungkook’s voice rumbled through my body, his chin brushing the top of my head and he bent over me from the back, fingers gripping the hem of my shirt and carefully lifting it up to just above the curve of my breasts. 

Yoongi was staring at Jungkook over my shoulders expression unreadable. 

“So you do know how to act after all.” He commented drily and I heard Jungkook inhale sharply behind me. 

“Hyung...” He said sharply, and Yoongi merely rolled his eyes. 

“How did this happen?” He ran slender fingers all over my skin, feeling each dent and dip carefully. 

“I ..uh.. I sort of fell into a statue? It was made of concrete and quite heavy.” 

His face shifted into a frown. 

“Jungkook , tell me you didn’t push her.” He said sharply and I jumped a bit.

“No...he didn’t.” i said sharply and Yoongi ignored me , staring right at the alpha behind me. 

“I didn’t mean to.” He said finally.

“You broke her rib, kid.” 

I groaned in defeat. Behind me Jungkook stiffened.

“It was an accident.” I said sharply and Yoongi gave me an unimpressed look.

“If i had a won for every wife that told me that.” 

“It was my fault and-” I shut my mouth. I did sound like the poster child for abused wife in denial. 

“Relax... I’m not going to send your handsome husband to prison.” He chuckled. “ This time.” He added, giving Jungkook another glare. 

“It won’t happen again. ever. “ Jungkook’s voice shook a little. 

I sighed, already imagining the self flagellation that was probably going on inside the alpha’s head.

Yoongi’s voice drew me out of my head. 

 “Its not a break. It looks like a crack which is easier to heal. But i still want you to come in tomorrow. We’ll get it x rayed. Its going to take a couple of months to heal.” 

I gaped.

“Months?” 

“As long as you take it easy you’ll be fine. Now where’s the little one?” 

Yoongi dropped off a small bottle of pediatric paracetamol and told me to keep an eye on her temperature before bidding us goodbye. 

Once the door closed behind him, Jungkook turned to me , eyes wide and lips parted. 

“If you apologize , I’m going to throw this  at your face.” i said calmly, fingers closing over the neck of the ceramic vase on the table. 

Jungkook blinked. 

“I’m sorry. “ He said nonetheless and I sighed, pulling my hands away. 

How fitting. Neither of us could act out of character. 

Jungkook couldn’t stop blaming himself for everything under the sun. 

I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt him in any way. 

“Just go to bed , Jungkook. I’ll be fine.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : As always the pain is here and probably going to get worse. But Jungkook seems to be turning mildly human so let’s see if he can keep that up. Also handsome pediatric doctor Yoongi as second lead because i like to torture myself. 

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[heyyyharry]

Happier

(inspired by happier by Olivia Rodrigo)

Word count: 2.4k

I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

Part 1: Drivers License

Part 2: Deja Vu

A/N: I edited the original lyrics to match the POV :)

.

.

.

Harry had come up with a thousand scenarios of how this day would play out. Actually, he’d been thinking of this day since the moment he’d received the news. He didn’t dare to hope that she’d say yes to coming back for a sequel. He’d been sure that they would write her character off, give a lame excuse for how his love interest could not make a return and make his character forget about her completely to move on with a new girl in town. It would have been great if it was that easy in real life. Once someone was written off the script, they were gone for good. Real-life relationships were not that simple. Goodbye didn’t mean ‘never see you again’. You would still share the same friend circle and social bubbles, and it was worse when you two worked in the same industry. Harry didn’t know how he’d lasted a year without running into her, not since the Grammys.

“Didn’t you two date?”

“No.” Harry shook his head, but his eyes stayed glued on Y/N from across the room. She wasn’t looking his way, too busy saying hello to everyone else. “No,” he repeated, more to himself than to his co-star. “We didn’t.”

“But she wrote an entire album about you,” said the other twin. What was her name again? Lulu?

“Luna!” cried her sister, Lex. “You can’t ask him that!”

“No, it’s okay,” Harry said with a tight smile, slightly annoyed by the blonde twins, but he didn’t want to seem like an ass on the first day of filming. “And I don’t know if it was for me. You should ask Y/N.”

“Ask me what?”

Harry flinched when he looked up and saw Y/N padding towards them. She hugged the twins, who seemed way too excited. Harry guessed they were Y/N’s fans. They gave off crazy fangirl vibes, probably just pretending not to know the drama to interrogate him. He couldn’t blame them for assuming he was the villain and definitely could not blame Y/N for portraying him as one. It was more important that he knew who he was and how much he had changed since his last relationship. Maybe they could finally be friends.

“Were they bothering you?” Y/N asked him once the twins had left.

Harry nodded. “They’re your friends?”

“Oh, I met them last year on tour. I’m surprised you don’t know them. They were on Disney.”

“I don’t watch Disney,” Harry admitted with a smile. “Well, not today’s Disney.”

“Understandable.” Y/N nodded and bit her lip. She seemed guarded with her straight back and hands hidden behind her. She eyed him up and down, quite subtle yet noticeable. “How have you been?”

“Pretty good,” he said, nodding slowly. “You?”

“Yeah, but mostly tired because of tour.”

“You’re done?”

“Yup, last night was the last show.”

“Nice.”

Y/N raised an eyebrow. “Nice?”

Harry blinked. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No.” Y/N giggled. “You still sound very...you.”

“Well, shouldn’t I?”

“Yeah, you should. But it’s been a year so…I mean, you haven’t changed much.”

“Right,” he said lowly, his eyes falling to his feet. Harry supposed he should say something else, perhaps bringing up another random topic to discuss, but all he could think about was what had happened between them. Things had been messy, hadn’t they? How could they go back to before that? Before her first song about him. Before he’d chosen someone else over her.

Or he could talk about her new relationship. She’d been in a happy relationship for almost six months, right? No wait, hadn’t they broke up two weeks ago? He wasn’t sure because he hadn’t been catching up. If they’d broken up, he’d sound like an ass to even mention her ex’s name. He should just stay quiet.

“I’ll see you later?” she said, gesturing at her stylist who was waiting by the door.

Harry could ask her right now -- the reason she’d agreed to film the sequel to their first movie together. He’d heard from a very reliable source that she’d specifically asked her agent to decline any project that he was in. So did this mean they were good? That she didn’t hate him anymore? He could have gathered his courage and got the answer right then…

“Yeah, see you.”

...but he didn’t.

And so she gave him a smile and a little wave, then happily returned to her stylist.

.

.

.

“See you tomorrow, Y/N!”

“See you, Annie!” Y/N said as she put the rest of her things into her tote bag. Her new driver had got her schedule mixed up, and so she had to wait here for another half an hour. She was in no rush. It had been a light first day, and she’d had a fun time getting to know the new cast members and catching up with old friends.

She sat on the sofa in the lobby, legs crossed, texting her best friend about her day. She’d purposely left out the short off-screen conversation with Harry, and her best friend didn’t even bother to ask. In their world, he didn’t exist, and his name was censored in every conversation like a curse word that was even worse than ‘cunt’. Nevertheless, she didn’t hate him anymore. She was doing just fine on her own, being busy with her career, and she’d been in a happy relationship after her fall out with him.

She and the guy, a model, had broken up two weeks ago due to long distance and some differences that they could not change. They had ended on good terms and decided to stay friends. They said you could only stay friends with your ex when you still had feelings for each other, or you had never loved each other that much in the first place. For her, it was probably the latter. Her previous relationship had been more platonic than romantic, apparently. So she had nothing but the best to say about him.

As she was going through her camera roll, just reminiscing about the past, she heard footsteps approaching and looked up to find Harry. He offered a smile and gestured to the spot beside her on the sofa. “May I sit here? My ride is late.”

“Yeah, sure.” She hurriedly scooted over.

“Good job today,” he said. “You were great.”

“Thanks, so were you.” She smiled, and they both looked away at the same time. This was so awkward. She hated small talk. She’d never had to have small talk with Harry. Conversations with him used to be so easy and natural and silly. Whatever this was, it wasn’t them.

“Can we just be normal?”

At first, Y/N thought she’d been the one who’d said it, so when she realised it’d been Harry, she was speechless.

He swallowed and sat a bit straighter, still not looking at her. “I don’t want us to be weird and awkward.”

“Okay,” she said.

He cleared his throat. “Wanna try again?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, not to sound like an ass but when Joey kept forgetting his lines, I was so pissed off, I could throw a chair at the wall.”

“Right?!” exclaimed Y/N, feeling free to have finally broken out of her shell. “Like, he doesn’t even have many lines. I know he’s new but damn...you can’t get far if you don’t learn your goddamn lines.”

Harry shook with laughter. “Oh God, we sound like dicks, don’t we?”

“Maybe.” Y/N laughed, covering her mouth. “But you know what? We can’t be nice in this industry. It’s impossible.”

“Shhh, if someone heard this, we would be into big trouble.”

“Oh please, I’ve had worse articles written about me than ‘Y/N speaks facts about her lazy co-star’.”

Harry tossed his head back and cackled. “The worst one I’ve got this week was ‘Harry Styles hates therapists.’”

“What?!” Y/N gasped. “No way! That’s so stupid!”

“Right?” Harry rolled his eyes. “I could get all my therapists to speak up for me but I’m kinda immune to bullshit now.”

“Therapists? Like plural?”

“Yeah, one in every city.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

Y/N rubbed her hands onto her legs. “Rough year?”

Harry’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as he leaned back. “You have no idea.” Then he swept his hair out of his eyes, sucked in a breath, and finally looked at her. “I wish I could have talked to you, though.”

She bit her tongue, knowing what she was about to say next would disappoint her best friend so much, but she had to. “So do I.”

Harry looked taken aback before his lips curled into a smile. “It’s silly, isn’t it? I haven’t talked to you in a year, and I feel like I know everything that’s happened to you except that I don’t.”

What he’d just said might make no sense for most people, but Y/N knew exactly what he meant. She nodded and wetted her lip. “You only know as much as everyone else does.”

“Yeah, I got updates on you from the news and our friends.”

“Same.” Y/N smiled back. “I hate how they write articles about your new haircut but not mine.”

“I like your new hair colour.”

“Thanks. I like your new car.”

Then they both burst out laughing. It was fun and also a little bit strange that Y/N didn’t feel the same anxiety talking to him as she used to. It must be because they had grown and were now meeting again as better people.

“Damn, my ride's here,” Y/N said as she read the text from her driver. “I gotta go now.”

“Oh, okay.” Harry stood up and followed Y/N to the entrance. “Hey, just wondering--”

“Yeah?”

“Am I...am I still blocked?” He looked a bit flustered as she tilted her head and squinted her eyes. “On your phone. Because I remember you having my number blocked--”

“I unblocked you on your birthday.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.” Y/N shrugged. “I should’ve sent you a happy birthday text but...I didn’t want your girlfriend to get the wrong ideas.”

“My ex.”

“Yeah, I know.”

They smiled at each other one last time before saying goodbye. Y/N knew it was silly, but she was hoping he would go after her.

Ding.

A notification popped up when she was in the car. She was almost home, and it was from Harry’s number. He’d sent her a link with a message that said, “Hope you like it :)”.

Curious, she tapped on it and was directed to an audio file titled ‘Track 5’. The upload date was last year. About two weeks after their short conversation at the Grammys.

Hurriedly, she fumbled inside her bag for her iPods and put it on before she pressed play.

“Hey, Jeff, I couldn’t sleep so I wrote this song. Listen and let me know if it should go on the album.”

Then came the piano intro. It sounded good, so Y/N wondered how it hadn’t ended up on his last album.

But when he started to sing...

We ended a while ago Your friends are mine, you know, I know You've moved on, found someone new One more guy who brings out the better in you

And I thought my heart was detached From all the sunlight of our past But he’s so nice, he’s so funny Does he mean you forgot about me?

Oh, I hope you're happy But not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

And does he tell you you’re the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen? An eternal love bullshit he might not even mean Remember when you were with me I meant it when you heard it first from me

And now I'm pickin' him apart Like cuttin' him down will make you miss my wretched heart But he’s charming, he looks kind He probably gives you butterflies

I hope you're happy But not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better

I hope you're happy I wish you all the best, really Say you love him, baby Just not like you loved me And think of me fondly when your hands are on him I hope you're happy, but don't be happier

The song was for her. He’d written it when her new relationship had gone public. Y/N sat there, staring blankly ahead until the honking of a car tore open her inner peace, and reality came crashing back in. The driver dropped her off at her house. Instead of going inside, she stood on her front steps and replayed the song one more time. When it ended, she decided to text him: Why didn’t this make it to the album?

She didn’t know where he was now, but it showed ‘typing’ in less than a second, as if he’d been waiting in their chat since he’d sent that link.

You would’ve hated me, Y/N.

True, she replied. Still, I would’ve loved the song lowkey. And added, I love it btw.

He took so long to type that it was driving her crazy. She flopped down on the concrete stair with her phone clutched in her hands, her heart thundering against her ribcage. Anxiety popped like a balloon when his message appeared: Were you happier?

She reread it again and again.

No.

I wasn’t either, he responded. I kept getting deja vu.

Ha, nice reference.

That song is my guilty pleasure. Love listening to you roasting me on loop.

That last message made Y/N bury her face into her palm and giggle like a fool. She thought for a second and wrote: I could come roast you in person now if that’s what you prefer. I think we’ve never had a proper roasting.

Can we meet, Y/N? Or are you busy now?

No, not busy.

Great, I’ll pick you up.

Just tell me where, she responded with a smile on her face. I got my drivers license now :)

[thebeautyoffanfics]

Hey there Savi.. could i request a kou,mitsuba and tsukasa x reader where their s/o gets bullied alot?? I've been struggling with it recently and now that school is going to start again im dreading it .. thank you in advance <3

kou minamoto x gn!reader, mitsuba sousuke x gn!reader, tsukasa yugi x gn!reader

a/n: of course!! I’m really sorry that you’ve had experiences like that, but I also genuinely hope that this year will be better! You’ve got this-!! And don’t be afraid to ask for help <3 you’re so so welcome, tho I’m sure schools probably started by now, therefore I’m super sorry for the time this took- and thank you so much for requesting <3

Waaaaaah i’m also sorry if it’s OOC, cos I know Tsukasa’s at least is;;; writer’s block is aaaaaaah-;; I’ve genuinely been writing this since September 19th,,,,

warnings: bullying

word count: 2,044

kou minamoto <3

You glanced at your phone screen, the date flashing up at you. It was depressing. Thoughts of previous years danced in your head, as you shut your phone back off. You currently stood outside of your school, “open house” finally over. School was starting back in just a few days. Your days of freedom could be counted on one hand… this was, by far, one of your least favorite times of the year.

“(Y/N)! Do you still want to walk to the park?” Kou questioned, running up beside you. You nodded, hoping that spending time with your boyfriend would get your mind off of school, and memories related to such. As the two of you began to walk, you could practically feel the question on the tip of Kou’s tongue. He always made himself rather obvious- his hands fidgeted a bit, his gaze lowering to the ground.

“Say, (Y/N)... you seem sad. Is it because school’s starting back?”

You thought for a moment, unsure of how to put it. He certainly wasn’t wrong…

“Yeah, that’s basically it… last year was just… not a good year, haha.”

“Oh? Well, I’m sure this one will be better!! If you want, we can make a list or something? All the bad things about last year can be something we change this year-!”

Despite bitterly knowing that it wasn’t exactly something within your realm of control, you laughed a bit. “That’s… insanely corny, Kou. I didn’t say a terrible idea- just… corny.”

When you glanced up at him, you noticed his red face, as he blurted out an excuse. A moment of fumbling over his words passed, before he gave up, glancing off to the side once more.

“Wh-whatever- I mean, just… like, tell me what’s wrong, if you want to. And I’ll try to help. Alright?”

“It’s really not something either of us can help, Kou.”

“So? I’m your boyfriend,” He seemed a bit embarrassed to say, most likely not used to pulling that sort of card, “If you don’t want to tell me, I can’t make you. But, if you’re alright with telling me, I want to know. Either way, I’m here for you...”

“Ah… I know it, Kou. Honestly, I just… dealt with some bullying last year, so I’m really not looking forward to this year. No matter how much I hear ‘oh, the bully does it to feel better about themself’, it’s just emotionally… hm, awful, you know?”

“Oh… I understand, (Y/N). I do remember some people picking on me, since I have a big brother like Teru- it’s not fun at all. Here!! I’ll stay with you, 24/7! Sit with me during classes, and I’ll hang out with you during free time!” “Thanks, Kou- but we probably won’t have every class together.”

“Then- just tell me if something happens during the class,” He spoke, crossing his arms rather seriously. “I’ll talk with the teacher! Easy peasy!!”

A moment passed, before Kou took your hand, looking at the ground, then back up with you. His eyebrows were furrowed just slightly, his eyes not as wide as they usually were. Kou was being serious- as serious as his sweet mind could let him be. He almost seemed to resemble his big brother even more- when the two were serious.

“If something happens, tell me, okay? I mean it. I don’t want this year to be bad for you- as your friend and boyfriend! Let me do what I can to help, alright?”

You blinked a bit. Kou’s words were so sincere, you felt your heart beat a bit quicker. “A-alright. Thank you, Kou. I really mean it.” You spoke, bringing the boy into a hug to hide whatever sort of expression you were making.

“Of course! You don’t need to thank me, (Y/N). I’m happy to try and help-!”

mitsuba sousuke <3

“(Y/N), if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I’ll give you something to complain about.”

Ah, Mitsuba… he spoke, his arms crossed as he sat next to you, silently noticing your slightly disheveled clothes. Judging by the slightly down look you wore, too many things were now adding up. Something was bothering you, and he was bound and determined to find out what it was.

“Mitsuba, it’s okay, really. Here! Let’s eat, I’m starving!” You opened up your bento box, sliding one his way, and sticking the chopsticks into your mouth. Though you hummed happily, Mitsuba was… in Detective Mode, to put it lightheartedly. Your every move was being analyzed, as he tried his best to figure out what was wrong. Your eyebrows furrowed, as you swallowed a bit harder than usual.

“What’s the point of lying to me, dummy? If you aren’t hungry, it’s probably because whatever is bothering you is ruining your appetite. Talk to me. I’m serious.”

You sighed, feeling as if the food was stuck in your throat. Or maybe your throat simply felt as though it had a lump in it…? Either way, you were painfully aware of the unpleasant feeling. Along with the creeping suspicion that Mitsuba wasn’t going to leave this alone. Was he good at reading people?? Were you just easy to read…? Or maybe, he was just far too accustomed to the way you reacted to things. Able to focus in on the little things, especially when he wanted to. Perhaps it was the talent of a photographer? Being able to read the entire picture??

Perhaps you were thinking too much into it, desperate for a way to get your mind off of the things going on around you.

“I’m just… dealing with some stuff.”

“Well, duh. What kind of stuff?”

You kept your gaze glued to the floor, fiddling absentmindedly with the chopsticks. You knew you could confide in Mitsuba… yet, something about it felt practically impossible. What would happen if you told him? Could he do anything? He was merely a ghost…

“Oi, I asked a question. Listen, and listen well, you idiot- I know I can’t solve all your problems, but I can at least listen- which is what you’d better be doing right now. You listen to me, though who wouldn’t want to is beyond me, so I can at least do the same. I’m not your therapist, but I am your boyfriend.”

Those words danced around in your mind for a bit, as you considered how to put it. For a moment, you simply nodded, letting Mitsuba know you heard- and were acknowledging- what he said. A few more moments passed before you began to speak.

“Lately, there have been some students… picking on me, I guess. It’s… discouraging, and makes school feel like a living nightmare. You’re the only good thing in my day at this hellhole.”

“Oh.”

You tightened your grip on the chopsticks, trying to read Mitsuba’s tone. Suddenly, it clicked- remembering Mitsuba mentioning being bullied for being “feminine” and “foul-mouthed”. He truly, genuinely, understood where you were coming from.

“I see, then… I’ll tell you what to do, (Y/N). Tell an adult, lame-o. I don’t give a flying flip about ‘oh, they won’t believe me’ or ‘what if the bullies blah blah.’ At least try it- it’s hard, but I don’t care about that either. Also, freaking ignore them. Obviously, you don’t want to pay them attention, so don’t.”

“Mitsuba, it’s not that easy-”

“I know. (Y/N), I’ve been in your shoes. Maybe it’s different- I dunno what kind of bullying they’re doing. Still, if you’re good enough for my standards, you know you’re at least worth something. So don’t let those low-lives get you down. I promise you, if I could, I’d give them a piece of my mind. But, since I can’t, just… do it yourself, or something. Don’t endure it, you rat.”

(“Mitsuba, all your insults lowkey feel like bullying-”

“Shut up, stupid-face, you can’t tell a teacher on a ghost. What’re you gonna say?? Waaaah, sensei, school mystery number 3 is calling me names!! Hah.”

“Tsuchigomori-sensei can see you, you know. And he teaches both Minamoto boys!”

“Lalalaaaa, I can’t hear you-”)

tsukasa yugi <3

Tsukasa… knows.

There was no other way to put it. You knew he knew, and you knew he was just waiting. A part of him wanted you to ask him for help- to confide in him, even if it took some pushing. He was… a bit different in that sense- I mean, how was he to know you didn’t enjoy being bullied? Was it the same way he felt when Amane looked at him with such hatred?

“(Y/N)!! What’s with such a sad look?? Did you get a bad test grade?” Tsukasa questioned, floating alongside you as you entered the broadcasting room. You simply shook your head, placing your bookbag on the floor, then standing back up.

“It’s just been a day, Tsu,” You added, taking a seat near Sakura. As you did, she pushed a cup of tea your way, her gaze as it usually was. She looked right through you, as if you were nothing but a ghost. Still, it was a much better look than the ones given by the bullies. Muttering a ‘thank you’, you lifted the cup, fiddling with it slightly.

“If there’s something bothering you, feel free to share it,” Sakura spoke, her gaze staying on you, then finally closing as she sipped from her cup.

“If there’s something bothering you, share it.” Tsukasa added, placing his head on your shoulder and staring at your eyes. His gaze drifted to your hands when you brought the cup to your lips, then over to your throat as you struggled to swallow.

“Runt, if you don’t back away from them, you’ll the the one bothering them,” Natsuhiko spoke, raising his eyebrows at Tsukasa, then offering you a slightly concerned look. His expression was enough for you to know he wanted to know if you were alright- to which you shrugged, reaching up and patting the side of Tsukasa’s face.

“Don’t worry, guys. I’ll be fine, really.”

Sakura pondered for a moment, before standing. “Mitsuba, would you like to walk with me? I should go grab something.”

Mitsuba, who had been sitting off to the side- glanced up, his usual puppy-like expression on his face. “Sure,” He replied, standing up, practically in sync with Natsuhiko.

“I’ll go as well, my lady!”

Oh. She’s doing that on purpose.

Your eyes followed the trio as they left the room, and you could feel Tsukasa’s eyes still stuck on you. The moment the door shut, he spoke. “(Y/N), tell me what’s wrong. You don’t seem to enjoy being miserable!”

“Am I supposed to?” “You’re miserable then? What’s wrong, c’mon!!”

“I didn’t say I was- just that I don’t think many people like it,” You spoke, taking another sip from the tea. The warmth of it made your throat feel hot, but it didn’t help the lump stuck in it.

“(Y/N). Just admit to me what’s wrong, and I’ll do what I can!”

You sighed, not wanting to grow frustrated. Tsukasa was… trying. He just didn’t understand everything- the boy who enjoyed seeing people wear normally unpleasant expressions, of course he wouldn’t personally understand. He wanted to help you, but how could a ghost help? Much less, the ghost of a boy such as him?

“(Y/N)-” “I’m just dealing with some bullies. It’s fine, Tsukasa- I’ll figure something out.”

“I’ll kill them <3”

“Tsu-”

Tsukasa stepped away from you, crossing his arms. “So, (Y/N), you don’t like it when people bully you? I’ll take care of it! Promise!” “Stop it right there, Mr. Only-grants-wishes-for-the-dead. Don’t ‘take care of them.’ I just need to get enough confidence to tell a teacher or something…”

Tsukasa paused, pouting his lips slightly, before nodding. Quickly, he floated back over to you, and trapped you in a hug. His arms wrapped around you securely, making you feel rather safe for being in the arms of such a destructive boy. “Fine. I’ll go with you, then, (Y/N)! I’ll even hold your hand!! And I definitely won’t let those bullies bother you any more~.”

“Tsukasa, please, don’t do anything drastic-” “Whatever you say, (Y/N). You know I can’t go against the wishes of my cute partner~!”