#struggling with guilt

[furiousgoldfish]

I've been inactive lately, because I'm back at a bad place. It turns out that spending six months frozen in trauma affected me more severely than I would have liked. I'm bedridden, constantly in too much pain to do anything.

I've spent the first week of it in denial, believing that I will snap right out of it and be okay, but I can tell now that I'm going to be like this for a while. Even just getting up to eat something is now too complicated, the struggle of the day is just getting some food in me.

I'm trying to accept this and be okay with it. If I need to spend several months in bed before I can move again, and for a while my achievements will be that I managed to spend a few minutes outside, then what's so wrong about that? I don't need to feel guilty. I don't want this, and I didn't choose this, and I hate that life is just going by while I lie down, unable to do anything, struggling to eat. I've been through this before and it's only ever when I feel better, that I realize how bad it really was, how I was struggling to breathe, how much time I spent wishing my stomach didn't hurt from hunger, unable to fix myself a meal.

Even just writing it down makes it more down to earth. In my mind I'm still struggling with the shame of being inactive, but the reality of it is that I'm in pain, it's not something to be persecuted for. Isn't it interesting how difficult it is to feel compassion towards yourself, when no one else has ever shown it to you? I bear no hatred towards myself, but my instincts still jump to persecution and judgment, just because it's the only thing I've ever experienced in such a state.

I know a lot of people have their symptoms worsen during the holiday season, re-living all of the seasonal trauma and feeling like their recovery is going backwards. I hope you all experience compassion and don't feel that judgment towards yourself any longer, because nobody deserves that. Nobody needs to be persecuted for struggling and staying inactive, it's not even a choice. There's not even a point in it, because it doesn't make the suffering end faster, it doesn't make the person get active more quickly, it makes the whole thing worse and longer. It's not a helpful sentiment, it's just hatred, wanting a person in pain to feel even worse. And nobody needs that on top of already suffering.

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

In Darkness and in Solitude

[shoreline-system]

Really urging you to try and unpack the capitalist and ableist ideas of doing enough to justify your existence actually.

Like, yes, we live in an unfair system where you need to afford to live. On a practical level, that is the situation many people find themselves in.

But fundamentally, you don't have to earn the right to exist. You have nothing to prove to anyone before you're allowed to exist in this world guilt-free. Your right to life does not depend on your productivity or you "living up to your potential", it is fundamental and unchangeable. You deserve to be here.

Don't let the guilt of falling short of some arbitrary and ever-changing (and likely unobtainable) goal wear you down. You have nothing to prove, and you deserve to be here.

[ossy-serenity]

Things don`t last forever

If he only knew that back then

[pussycat-scribbles]

b u r n o u t

[kamariya]

i know the fandom loves to pretend that xie lian doesn't take care of himself but let's really think about it for a second. he doesn't have a penny to his name, he has no luck, no spiritual powers and no friends and family left in the mortal realm. how exactly should he take care of himself?

he eats food off the floor because it's better than going hungry. that's how many people in poverty live. he doesn't think twice before touching something that might poison him because when you don't receive medical attention for centuries, you're naturally going to adopt an "it is what it is" mentality about your health. he probably didn't get treated by a healer the first few times he got corpse poisoning because he didn't have enough (or any) money to pay them with. he's humble and ignores however which way he's slandered because what can he do? he's heard things like that and worse before.

800 years of poverty will teach anyone humility as well as strip them of it. 800 years of poverty and solitude can make anyone into a complete cynic, an abuser and/or worse.

but xie lian didnt break, not permanently. what jun wu put him through is nothing compared to what the world put him through. tell me this: is jun wu truly the real villain of the story? or is he a micro manifestation of all the other systematic issues in the TGCF universe, wrapped up into a shiny, evil package that's easier to hate, easier to digest and easier to fall for?

know that even though jun wu "set up" the fall of xianle, it was corruption and imperialism that truly brought the kingdom to its knees. know that teen xie lian truly fought for his people, be they patriots or rebels, and that the reason his efforts could never come to fruition was the corruption of the royals and the nobles.

in a world as systematically corrupt as that (much like our own), how easy do you think it would have been for a poor, homeless and friendless man to live a happy, fulfilling life (which he never lived)? and how much easier would it have been for him to gradually give away his morals and principles in favour of a better meal for once, for a better bed for the night? considering his martial skills and vast knowledge of cultivation, would it not have been easy for him to take a path like jun wu himself? like xue yang, even?

and do you think that xie lian did *not* do all these things just because he had "self-sacrificial" tendencies? after centuries of being only a little better than a beggar, do you think the reason he wants to help the common people is because he feels Rich Prince Guilt?

don't you think that the act of preserving oneself here, the act of not sacrificing onself for a cause, is actually whenever xie lian decides to keep following the path of justice, his Third Path? does self preservation only count when it's your body you're preserving, or your material wealth, or your name? surely your own principles matter more. surely you mean more than a fancy title on a tyrant's mouth.

place yourself in xie lian's shoes, and answer this: if you were to go through all that, even if you were to not become a horrible person, would have found and maintained the courage, time and time again, to keep being kind, to keep taking care of yourself, to not become heedlessly reckless, to not become a walking corpse with a noose (ruoye) wrapped around your neck?

in my opinion, xie lian is a hell of a lot positive for a man who's been through so much and never heard a "it's okay, you can rest now" once (until hua cheng came along, at least).

do you think xie lian doesn't feel bitterness towards lang qianqiu, who buried him with a stake through his heart for gods know how many years, because he just... hates himself? or do you think it's because he helped raise lang qianqiu since childhood and earned real respect and admiration from him, after so many years of being spat on, cursed and ultimately turned invisible? do you think he begged to be banished once again only because he felt guilty (although yes, he did feel very guilty) for the terrible fate that befell lqq's family, or because he also genuinely cares about what happens to his people --- he protected the xianle remnants by setting himself up as a cold-hearted murderer, and he protected lqq by refusing to fight him.

do you think that being so old and having seen so much, xie Lian can't tell danger when it's looking him in the eye? he's not stupid. he doesn't neglect his safety until and unless it's to protect someone he cares about. e.g., when he tried his level best to protect shi qingxuan during the Blackwater arc, knowing that he's fighting things and people beyond his control. my point: it didn't matter if he failed. he had to try, just like he tried with his kingdom, and the kingdom that came next. sqx was the first person after hua cheng to befriend and defend him in a long time, and he wanted to show him the same courtesy. can this be reduced to "self-sacrificing" tendencies or "playing the hero", too?

when xie lian stepped out of that bridal sedan, he knew he was playing with fire, but he's not stupid. if he hadn't stepped out, who is to say that crimson rain sought flower wouldn't have entered on his own, or dragged him out forcefully? xie lian isn't a "you only live once, let's make bad decisions" person. xie lian is a "no matter how many lives i live, i will not change" person.

[chittychittyyangyang]

I was going through chapters for something else, but I wanted to get a better look at Ruby’s reaction and I am just more sad now. She just entirely shrinks in on herself.

[cashmere-caveman]

im sorry (more terror text post memes)

[stuckinapril]

I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc

[sqquidzz]

"Hydro Dragon, Hydro Dragon, Don't Cry"

Neuillette x M!Reader

Summary: Neuvillette still hasn't overcome Focalor's death. You find him disraught after another nightmare, and you decide Neuvillette has spent enough time blaming himself for her death.

Tags: SPOILERS for Masquerade of the Guilty, slight angst, Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, trauma metions, Comfort, Major Character Death, etc.

A/N: I haven't posted in forever!!! I kind of just lost motivation and had a lot of issues going on here, and I forgot to post! I was literally just listening to My Blood by Ellie Goulding and thought of this idea. It just popped into my head, especially since I was also so sad about Focalor's death. I hope you guys enjoy, and thank you to those who have stuck to my posts, it really means a lot to me!

"Farewell, Neuvillette. I hope you've enjoyed the part you've played these 500 years."

No. Neuvillette couldn't let her go. She was everything to him. His eyes only stared in shock as he watched on as Focalors twirled and spun elegantly, her execution only minutes away.

'Don't leave,' he wanted to say, but he could only watch as the Sword of Damocles spun dangerously above Focalor's dancing form, alarmingly close to falling.

His body was frozen, he was unable to move freely, stuck in place as time ticked on. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. His eyes filled with panick as Focalors gracefully ended her dance, the Sword of Damocles plunging down towards the ground.

Time moved in slow motion. Neuvillette's eyes widened even further as the Sword of Damocles fell toward Focalors, desperately wanting to move his body to save the Hydro Archon.

'Dosomethingdosomethingdosomething' is all that ran through Neuvillette's mind, eyes flitting back and forth between the Hydro Archon and the Sword of Damocles as it fell painfully slowly toward the ground. Nothing but silence as it approached Focalors at an alarmingly slow rate.

It all happened at once. The sword crashed to the ground. Neuvillette's eyes filled with shock, horror. Grief.

It was only then that Neuvillette could move, staggering toward the sword that pierced the stage of the Opera Episcles. He reached out, towards what he did not know. To Furina? To the light that emitted from the dead body of the Hydro Archon? To the call of death?

Neuvillette shuddered, a sudden coldness overcoming him. The lights seemed to dim, or was it his vision? His breath became unsteady, coming out in shorter gasps, as if he was being choked. Choked by his sorrow, grief, anger, sadness, hatred-

'It's all your fault,' his mind chided, 'you should have saved her. What kind of dragon are you? What kind of ludex are you? You are a faliure. Afaliureafaliureafaliureafaliureafaliureafaliureafaliure-'

Gasp!

Neuvillette's eyes shot open, wide and unsteady as his breath came out in sharp inhales and strangled exhales.

Now he remembered where he was. He just finished another court case, and had come over to your house to spend the evening, which turned into him falling asleep at your house.

Neuvillette blinked away the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, but his efforts were in vain, as the tears streamed down his face anyway. Neuvillette tried to wipe his tears away as best as possible and slowly rose from the blanket that encased him.

As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could make out the figure of you buried under the blankets next to him, snoring softly, shifting ever so slightly as your shoulders rose and fell with every breath.

The sight of you made Neuvillette smile. You always loved sleeping next to Neuvillette, you always claimed he was the best thing to cuddle with.

He flipped the blanket off himself gently as to not wake you, and he walked over to the bathroom as quietly as he could, try to avoid the wooden planks that would always creak when stepped on.

Creak!

Neuvillette flinched at the sound, turning quickly as he heard the rustling of the bedsheets, signaling that you had been woken up by the sound.

"Neuvi..?" you mumble out as you rub your eyes, trying to wipe the tiredness out of your eyes.

"Go back to sleep, Y/N" Neuvillette whispers as he silently walks over to your side of the bed.

"Come back to bed Neuvi, I still need my cuddle buddy," you whine as you made a grabby gesture with your hands.

But just as Neuvillette was going to walk away, you noticed the red rims around his eyes and the barely noticable tear tracks on his cheeks.

"Neuvi, what's wrong?" you ask, grabbing his sleeve to prevent him from walking away from you.

Neuvillette simply sighed, running a hand through your short but soft hair, moving from your face to press a chaste kiss on your forehead.

You could tell by his attitude that he dreamt about Focalors again. He only got this worked up when he couldn't stop thinking about her death.

"Come in bed Neuvi, you can talk about it if you like," you smile softly and move the blanket out of the way for him to snuggle his way into your chest, burying his face in it to breathe in your scent.

"You wanna talk about it?" you ask quietly, and Neuvillette simply shakes his head, burying his face into your chest even more.

You smile down at him, stroking his hair as you hum a simple lullaby that you learnt from your mother.

You knew that Neuvillette never truly got over Focalor's death, and that it haunted him every night and day. It broke your heart to see how distraught it made Neuvillette feel, but all you could do was hug Neuvillette as he quietly sobbed in your chest or stroke his hair to calm his uneasy breathing.

You hold Neuvillette closer to you as he dozes off, drifting away from consciousness as you whisper the words of the lullaby.

By the time you're done, Neuvillette is already fast asleep, shoulders rising and falling gently as he quietly snores away.

Your eyes slowly start to droop out of exhaustion, and before you drift off to lala land, you whisper a sentence into Neuvillette's ear.

"Hydro dragon, hydro dragon, don't cry."

[rouge-the-bat]

i feel like some people forget that not everyone actually can help/engage with issues going on in the world. its great to encourage doing it when people are able to, but its not an obligation everyone needs to abide by or theyre a terrible person.

a lot of people have their own issues, and dont even have the energy to expend for activism. not everyone is well off enough to even be taking care of their own life properly. guilt tripping just causes more undue stress for those already suffering.

[jyfrnd]

"She's calling out to me. I can feel it." / "Sora saved me once. And...I heard him call my name. He needs me."

[greensaplinggrace]

people on this site will see content creators begging, pleading, screaming for interaction speaking about how disheartened they feel and asking for even a lick of attention and be like "wow it's so presumptuous and cruel to act that way about your loyal customers - the lurkers and viewers on this site!" while not reblogging or interacting with anything and then not two days later they'll have the gall to come online whining about how all of their fandoms are fucking dead. like two guesses as to why that is.

[genericpuff]

my thoughts on Episode 256

that's pretty much it, it was practically a nothingburger of an episode with more of persephone and hades miffing around despite everything that's currently going on

ares punching apollo like in the previews was the best part of it and it only lasted a second and got reduced to another shitty MCU-style punchline

these steaks are seasoned very poorly

that said, now that LO is actually back weekly, I'm not really compelled to leave as much in-depth analyses/reviews of them like I did with the recent midseason finale series of episodes. Those episodes did, at least, have a lot going on to discuss (even though what was going on was complete nonsense) and in the episodes since there's barely anything to really talk about or glean, it just feels like it's dragging shit out and padding time to make it to the finale in 2024.

anyways sike again, that wasn't the real episode title, the real one was also completely nothingburger-

[kogglyuffs]

ghostly rumors

[gayvampyr]

i hate how people act like if a poor person was irresponsible with their money 1 time or made 1 non-essential purchase then they don’t deserve financial assistance and aren’t allowed to be upset with their situation. ​the last thing poor people need is to feel guilty for buying one thing they don’t need to survive