#suicidal wei wuxian

[truly-morgan]

[Post-canon, internal struggle, suicide ideation]

Wei Wuxian | Mo Dao Zu Shi cw: suicidal ideation, mention of past suicide attempt 29-06-2021

[#weiwuxian, internal struggle, post-canon, maybe slightly ooc?] (tw: thoughts of staying dead, mention of past suic. attempt, mention of past death)

What if, somewhere after Guanyin temple (maybe a couple of years) shits settles down a bit, but of course, tension is still here. one night hunt, where an area has had many problematic spirits, both ymj and gsl disciples are here, including jl who joined to give a hand (and to meet his friend after so long).

Things are still tense between shuangjie (and don't even mention hgj), but they talk a bit through the years and can now stay in the same area (even room!) without being at each other's throats.

But at some point, an argument started (wwx should probably have kept his mouth shut when jc brought up jzx). the argument escalates to a point where wwx gets on the defensive and says things he might not think, only making jl more upset than he already was, making everything worst.

Jl in sick of hearing wwx badmouth his dad (though he /did/ see a change in recent years), and only remembering the thing he heard about wwx past relationship with his dad and what he did and years of frustration have build-up and he just blows up, he needs to get it all out.

"How can you tell he wouldn't be great today? *you* are the reason my father is *dead*, and don't even mention how my mother would think, you weren't with her when she married him, how would you know what their relationship was like? You couldn't know today either because you are also the reason she *died*, if it wasn't for you and your stupid choice both my parent would be alive. The one who should be dead is /you/, not her! You should just have stayed dead!"

after this jl is a bit out of breath, years of resentment out and after jc scolds him for his last statement.

(when he cools down he does wince at the implication of his word. in the past he might have wanted wwx dead, but today it wasn't really to that point. he was by no means close to him, but still).

but for now, jl looks back towards wwx as he's about to argue against what jc said.

but he stops in his attempt. Something seems wrong, wwx body language seems off, lwj looking carefully at his husband while lsz looks uneasy at his own words.

Something is wrong and he can't put his finger on it.

"You're right" wwx finally says, a smile that seems a bit too stiff on his lips, "I caused that didn't I? I truly have no say in this, my apologies sl jin".

and this seems even more off, even jc frowns at it because something seems wrong with his shixiong.

then wwx tries to laugh off being scolded like this by his shijie's son "Don't look like this lz, jl is right" and instead grabs his arm, trying to pull him away as he says they'll just go see in another part of the forest if they could be needed.

jl stops lzs before he could go, trying to ask what was wrong, only to see more uneasiness on his friend's face, "I don't think it would be appropriate to talk about this here" he says looking around, eyes also avoiding jc staring, "But you don't need to worry, senior wei is... alright".

jl isn't convinced, but he doesn't want to force his friend to tell him. On the other side, a queasy feeling settles in jc, because this doesn't feel right, even less if it something that shouldn't talk about anywhere that is private.

Something happened for sure.

for the rest of the night, wwx acts a bit weird, but he does settle closer to what he usually is like. yet, anytime someone crosses their path, hgj is uneasily keeping his eyes on him, scanning his every move and expression.

some even find it odd how hgj actually seems to not let wwx approach anything that could actually be dangerous. Isn't senior wei a good cultivator? Can't he deal with these rather small fries himself? why stop him from doing so?

=======

Everything goes alright until everything is over and wwx is left alone with himself and his thoughts (lwj forced to go to paperwork and wwx saying he needs some alone time).

and the spiral back into guilt and self-loathing comes back. wwx had managed to push them far to the back of his mind, but jl words had triggered it.

Why was he here? He should be dead. He was good dead and apparently, everyone was doing better when he was dead, so why was he still here? Causing problems for everyone around him?

being a reminder of what people had lost because of /him/? Being the worse shixiong ever? Reminding jl of why and how exactly his parent died? being the creator of something that was now eating at many young cultivators who were trying to follow his old path?

He should have stayed dead and everyone seemed to agree with him.

He did try to find a way to bring back mxy, in the hope his soul hadn't completely shattered. He knows how it would have affected lwj, but this time he could have given a proper goodbye to the man. he felt really lucky that he could actually be happy when the sole purpose to his revival was to /kill people/. another thing to the list, apparently he was only good to kill people...

He had been happy like he should not be allowed, he could have said goodbye to lz and given mxy a chance to have a better life, maybe lwj would have accepted his last wish of making sure mxy would be alright.

But his research was fruitless and it seemed rather impossible for him to bring back mxy (this is also probably what ticked lwj suspicion.) but if he couldn't at least give mxy a second chance, he could give everyone else what they wanted and simply die. His reason to be alive was only to serve a purpose in the first place and it had already been done years ago, so truly he had no reason to be here.

So he tried to die again, which failed by very little because lwj found him before he could succeed in that.

With that, he had disappeared from "the public eyes", kept under close watch as to not have him tried something like this again. They tried working through the issue They have sessions where lwj plays him song of clarity when his suicidal thoughts come back stronger. It took months before he was able get back on his feet, although he is still under close watch from lsz and lwj after all these years.

this was the first time in a very long time since wwx had such a violent surge of these thoughts, even if he tried to hide it (they had already helped him so much, he cannot depend on them forever, right?).

he was surprised when lsz came to him to play soc, it did help him calm down from his sudden attack and it took a very long time for both lan to bring him back to a more stable state of mind, lwj joining as quickly as he could (paperwork were not as well done, as usual, that is for sure). They didn't sleep that night, but making sure that wwx wouldn't do something to harm himself and make him understand that no, he didn't just do bad things in his life, even in this second one he has helped many people.

It did take a while for wwx to do better again (lwj and lsz never leaving his side).

====

lsz would probably eventually tell jc if the man were to come back to him about it. there was still tension between the two, but clearly, slj couldn't just drop all his worries for wwx even after everything (talking through some stuff also did help). Maybe jl would also be told.

The number of people knowing about wwx attempt is very low, kept to the bare minimum. Of course, he and lwj know, and so do lqr and lxc since they are lwj family. The healers who saved wwx know (although they do not have the full situation about wwx mental state at the time).

the only "outsider" who know is ljy, since lsz did need someone to talk about it that wasn't as affected by it as lwj was.

so adding two people that were related to jc in a way wouldn't be bad either.

lsz really felt like jc could know (which could be helpful if anything were to happen in the future and only jc was around, at least he would know about wwx struggles).

He would probably be a bit hesitant to tell jl at the same time, despite not wanting to hide it from it either lsz wouldn't want his friend to possibly think what happened was entirely his fault (wwx had some low time over the years after all), he could see where the frustration come from and he hadn't watched his words (but it could help in the future.

I do wonder how they would react

====

(sorry for the much more angst and dark thread, I got a low earlier and had angst idea)

Original

[tossawary]

In MDZS, Wei Wuxian is able to look at the sacrificial ritual circle and read Mo Xuanyu's personal notes to guess what happened and also learn the basics of Mo Xuanyu's entire life... And then he doesn't clean it up?

(EDIT: I was wrong about this! Wei Wuxian was supposedly "destroy any evidence of the sacrificial ritual circle" directly before running off with the donkey, at the very end of the chapter. I'm not sure how because earlier in the chapter it says that Mo Xuanyu's shack has "no water" and after humiliating the Mo Family, he just picks a clean spot on the floor to sleep, but he manages somehow! Original post remains below the cut.)

To be fair, Wei Wuxian is shocked and feels like shit, and has apparently tasked with murders he doesn't want to commit, and is also a little bit hangry. Shortly after his first foray to get his bearings and embarrassing the Mo Family, he gets dragged out of that blood-stained shack, accused of murder, involved in a fight, and then has to skedaddle when Hanguang-Jun shows up. He didn't have much inclination to clean (he didn't make the blood circle! Why does he have to clean it?!) and then didn't get much opportunity to grab a mop and clean up that mess to cover his tracks.

But Wei Wuxian's narration says that Mo Xuanyu "dared to summon him by name". It's also possible that some of Mo Xuanyu's resentful scribbles included more information about the sacrificial ritual and Wei Wuxian didn't find them, or threw his hands up in the air with frustration at the situation before reading those ones.

And I think that this would be a really funny way for Lan Wangji to find out that Wei Wuxian is back, instead of the shitty flute-playing and Wen Ning's appearance. Lan Sizhui describes to Lan Wangji everything weird and terrifying that just went down with the Mo Family, then says, "Oh! Senior Mo has disappeared! We should go make sure that he's okay! (Jingyi, he helped us in his own way, it's only the decent thing to do to check on him.) Let me ask a servant where his quarters are and let's hope he just went to go hide there."

And then Lan Wangji and a bunch of Baby Lans walk right into that shack and the horrifying scene of a sacrificial ritual circle drawn in blood, surrounded by the scribblings of a madman, which apparently clearly says (to those who can discern these things): "I AM SUMMONING THE YILING PATRIARCH'S SOUL AND GIVING HIM MY BODY TO DO EVIL ON MY BEHALF."

Lan Wangji: "..."

Lan Sizhui: "..."

Lan Jingyi: "What the fuck."

[vaimetanyx]

Oh how wonderful, how terrifying, to be loved to destruction

The full quote can be found here

[add1ctedt0you]

Qin Su's death ~ live reactions

[rowanix]

Savior | MDZS / wangxian animatic (wip)

I’ll be honest, I’m probably never gonna finish this (it has been literal years and my art style has changed so much) but I got so far on it so figured I might as well post it for someone to enjoy. Who knows, maybe I’ll come back to it one day

[wangxianficrecs]

💙 Fortunate by Procrastination_Sensation

💙 Fortunate

by Procrastination_Sensation

T, 9k, Wangxian

Summary: Lan Zhan learns several things that day. He learns that his soulmate has been injured on the shoulder- that, judging by his description, they have probably been bitten by a canine of some sort. He learns that his soulmate may not be living as sheltered life as preferred, considering that fact. And he learns the name for the emotion that had sent his heart into overdrive. Lan Zhan learns that day that he does not like Fear at all. Kay's comments: A very painful soulmate AU that I absolutely love! In this one, soulmates feel each other's emotions and pain and Lan Wangji has to live through everything Wei Wuxian feels while he lives on the streets. During the Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Wei Wuxian realizes that Lan Wangji is his soulmate, but also thinks that he hates him and it's just so painful and angsty and ah, the pining! I absolutely love it! I really loved the canon divergence aspect of it as well, with Xuanli being soulmates as well and Wei Wuxian not hitting Jin Zixuan during the study arc, because he knew that Jiang Yanli would feel it - really good stuff! And Wei Wuxian falls first~ <3 Excerpt: Lan Zhan is familiar with many emotions: Happiness, Content, Satisfaction. Other emotions he’s just as familiar with but has learned not to exhibit: Anger, Sorrow, Isolation. His soulmate Feels all of them and more, although until recently, it was more the former. Only recently has he Felt more of the latter. But Lan Zhan is young, so young, too young by far, when he Feels his heart trip into a sprint out of nowhere, adrenaline shooting through his veins like fire, and he starts gasping out breaths with Panic electrifying his brain. “A-Zhan?” Lan Huan asks, Startled, but Lan Zhan collapses where he’d been sitting, clutching at his chest and willing it to cease its pounding. Lan Huan sounds Worried, a tone creeping into his Pleading that Lan Zhan can’t place, when some invisible thing tears into his shoulder, Pain fracturing what composure he has left.

soulmates, empathy, canonical character death wei wuxian, insecurity, implied/referenced suicide, homelessness, growing up, cynophobia, wei wuxian has a fear of dogs, pov lan wangji, pov wei wuxian, cloud recesses study arc, hurt/comfort, angst and hurt/comfort, jiang family dynamics, yu ziyuan being yu ziyuan, implied/referenced child abuse, misunderstandings, miscommunication, mutual pining

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[veliseraptor]

Fic idea: Jiang Cheng experiencing Ground Hog Day from the CQL nightless city episode, and having to relive it until yanli and Wei wuxian both live and then also finally waking up the Next day with the trauma of watching his siblings die hundreds of time.

Just him having A Time of it.

I have had this on my "things I wanna write at some point" brainstorming doc for literal years, anon (though I know well there's at least one other fic with at least the time loop part of this premise). the only problem is that said brainstorming doc is about five pages long.

however the part of this that is really fun for me is definitely the part about where everybody is afterwards! cause it's not like Wei Wuxian is probably doing so hot either (depend'ing on where our time cutoff is, may still be at least 60% suicidal and definitely 100% homicidal), and Jiang Yanli is still grieving her husband, and here Jiang Cheng is like "as far as these two know I should be more functional than anybody else but turns out" and trying fairly unsuccessfully to do a Wei Wuxian "everything is fine and if I insist as much it will definitely become so."

Just three massively traumatized peas in a blanket! Love it, love them, hope they all break down crying on each other.

[gravitywonagain]

rounding out my depressing little triptych with lwj's pov

[dialog only] [wwx's pov]

[M, 4k, 1/1, Wangxian]

Tags: Major Character Death, suicide, suicide by zhiji (but, like, softly?), time travel, hurt/comfort but mostly hurt, I’m not going to lie this is all angst, not a happy ending (i’ve added a tiny consolation ending but it’s not really enough here)

--

There is a cave. Lan Wangji spotted it as he flew to Yiling once, so long ago. Too long ago. Maybe if he’d returned earlier, maybe if he’d stayed--

There is a cave. 

Lan Wangji knows his core is spinning low; he feels the pulse of it struggling through his meridians, qi sluggish and dwindling. His body droops, too heavy for his bones to carry. Bichen’s tip wavers where he points it. The descent, when he makes it, is fast. 

In his arms, Wei Ying is light as feathers. 

The cave is easy enough to find. Too easy, probably, to be safe for very long. But it’s his only option now. 

They cannot go back to Yiling. They cannot seek refuge among any of the sects, even his own. They cannot hide within a town, among people who could be hurt by the black, curling resentment leaking out of Wei Ying’s skin. And he could not leave Wei Ying where he was to die. 

The cave is deeper than Lan Wangji had anticipated, which is good. He carries Wei Ying inside, steps light and as even as he can make them. 

Darkness swallows them whole. 

He lays Wei Ying gently down upon the rough stone floor. Considers pillowing Wei Ying’s head in his lap -- like the last time they were in a dark cave together, qi and confessions flowing between them. But he doesn’t have the qi to spare this time. Depleted. He’ll have to settle for confessions alone. 

Somewhere deeper in, water drips into a pool. The sound of it bounces off the stone, echoing along the tunnels. 

Lan Wangji folds himself into a meditative pose and times his breath with the rhythm of it. If he can rebuild some of his spent qi, he can pass some to Wei Ying. He can protect Wei Ying if others find them here. He can get Wei Ying out, hide him somewhere--

“Did you see them, Lan Zhan? Did you see?”

He hadn’t noticed Wei Ying waking. Hadn’t heard the change in his breath, or pulse. Both are still so slow. So deathly slow. 

“Wei Ying--”

“United in their hate.”

Wei Ying sounds so tired. So fed up with the world, and who would blame him for it? 

Well… 

Lan Wangji feels anger and remorse thick in his throat. He says, “Let me--” But Wei Ying cuts him off again. 

“But they were united.”

He sighs with something that sounds like… hope. Relief, perhaps. Which makes little sense. 

“Wei Ying?”

Wei Ying shifts, turning to look at Lan Wangji, his smile barely visible through the blood and bruises in the low light of the cave. It is still the most beautiful expression Lan Wangji has ever seen. 

His voice is softer when he says, “It doesn’t work if there’s no villain, Lan Zhan. This world doesn’t work if there’s no one to hate.”

United, he’d said. 

But it still doesn’t make sense. With no other recourse, Lan Wangji says as much, “I don’t understand.”

But Wei Ying doesn’t answer him this time. He doesn’t explain. He rolls his head so his eyes are pointed up at the cave ceiling. 

“You should go,” he says, as if that was something Lan Wangji could do. “Leave me. They’ll only hurt you if they find you here.” As if that was some unexpected outcome, a deterrent to staying by Wei Ying’s side. 

“I won’t leave you.”

A harsh, rasping breath breaks in Wei Ying’s throat -- not unlike a laugh, yet so unlike the laugh that lives in Lan Wangji’s dreams. “So stubborn, Lan Zhan. So good. Always so good.”

Lan Wangji feels his blood beat in the tips of his ears. It is Wei Ying, not Lan Wangji, who is good. But to hear him say it… 

“Wei Ying, I--”

Again, Wei Ying interrupts him. 

“At least Shijie is alive this time.”

It’s an odd turn of phrase that catches Lan Wangji’s attention. 

“This time?”

In the darkness, Lan Wangji watches Wei Ying’s eyes fall closed. It’s not unlike the way Brother shuts out the world when it is too much, too harsh, too fast. 

The silence between them stretches, broken only by the steady dripping of water that continues to echo, like a clock that counts down the dwindling moments they have left. Like this, time flows too fast, trickling away between breaths and heart beats. Still, Lan Wangji waits. He does not push Wei Ying to answer him. He’s not even really sure what his question is. 

“Yes,” Wei Ying says, at last. 

Another rasping rattle of a laugh. 

That weary exhaustion hangs heavy in his voice as he turns his head to regard Lan Wangji once more. “Oh, Lan Zhan, I’ve done this so many times. I’m so tired.”

The first… Lan Wangji has no idea how to decipher. It sounds confused, mad, nonsensical. Yet Wei Ying says it with perfect lucidity. Whatever it means, he seems to believe it enough to be weary of it in a way that pierces bone. 

But the second: This, at least, Lan Wangji can help assuage. 

“Rest. I will be here.”

Wei Ying squirms against the stone where he lays. Contrary, as ever. 

Lan Wangji aches to take him into his arms, to hold him close and keep him safe. His old desire, his avarice, gnaws at the base of his breastbone. But he knows now that Wei Ying will not come to him willingly, and Lan Wangji will never cage him, even for his own safety. 

“They’re coming,” Wei Ying’s throat sounds full of gravel. But his words are timely -- a reminder that any cage Lan Wangji might offer is no longer an option anyway. They both know who they are. And Wei Ying is right. Still right as he continues, “They’ll be here soon. They’ll take you.” But then, “You should let them take you.”

Something like fury rises in Lan Wangji’s blood. Growling and thrashing in his gut. “I will not le--”

“A'Yuan needs you, Lan Zhan.” Lan Wangji’s blood freezes. “Let them take you.”

Wei Ying doesn’t plead with him, and Lan Wangji doesn’t know whether he should feel grateful for that or not. He would not be capable of refusing him if he pleaded. 

He may not be capable of refusing him anyway. 

“Wei Ying?”

“It’s okay. I– Like I said,” Wei Ying smiles, small but sincere, “it doesn’t work if there’s no villain.”

Lan Wangji thinks he’s beginning to understand. But, “Why you?”

“If not me, then who?”

Tears burn behind Lan Wangji’s eyes. Because of course Wei Ying would offer himself up for this. For this, for the Wen remnants, for any cause deemed worthy and right. He is still that beautiful boy who painted a rabbit on a lantern and pledged his life to protecting the weak and standing with justice. 

Lan Wangji holds the tears at bay with clenched fists. “Not you.”

It works, if only just. If only simply delaying the inevitable. But then, all of this is simply delaying the inevitable, isn’t it. A brief respite. The world will not change while Wei Ying and Lan Wangji are hiding away in this cave. 

Wei Ying inhales -- a ghastly sound, wet and ragged and rattling. 

“It’s okay, Lan Zhan. I know.” Lan Wangji’s heart leaps into his throat, and Wei Ying says, again, gently, soothing, “I know. You’ve stayed with me before.”

“Before?”

It’s that strange tense again. Does he mean the cave with the false xuanwu? 

“Yes. You’re always so good. Too good. They hurt you when you fight. Don’t-- Don’t let them hurt you. A'Yuan needs you.”

“A'Yuan?”

It’s the second time Wei Ying has mentioned him. The boy who brought a smile to Wei Ying’s eyes. Who wrapped himself around Lan Wangji’s leg, full-bodied with trust and wide-eyed with wonder. 

“He needs you to raise him,” Wei Ying says, latching on to whatever it is he hears in Lan Wangji’s voice. “I know you’ll take such good care of him, Lan Zhan. You always do.”

This time. Before. Always.

“Wei Ying, I don’t understand.”

“I know. It’s okay.”

It’s nothing, meaningless, but it soothes him all the same. 

This man. This beautiful, brave, brilliant man. The light is low, but Lan Wangji can still see the radiance shining out of this man he loves. 

The time continues to drip away from him, from them both. He made a confession once, in a cave like this. But whether Wei Ying heard it, grasped it, understood it… Remembers it. Lan Wangji doesn’t believe he’ll have many more chances after this. 

“Please,” he says, “Wei Ying, I--”

“Don’t say it.” It’s almost a sob. As much of a sob as Wei Ying’s broken body can manage, Lan Wangji would guess. “Don’t say it, Lan Zhan. It only hurts more if you say it. If I-- Don’t say it.”

Of course. He already said he knows, after all. 

The ache is less than he imagined it would be. He swallows it down. 

“Okay. Okay, Wei Ying.”

“Let them take you. When they come, just go with them. Don’t fight.”

Obstinance returns, a welcome distraction. 

“They will kill you.”

“Yes.”

“I won’t--”

“You must.” Lan Wangji wants to throttle him, just so he stops interrupting. 

“They need a villain,” Wei Ying repeats. “They don’t need two. But if you stay with me, if you fight them for me, that is what you become. A'Yuan needs you.”

His voice breaks over A’Yuan’s name, and Lan Wangji breaks for him again. 

“Okay. Okay, Wei Ying.”

Wei Ying moves slowly. His sleeve drags against the stone, a strangely soft sound for the roughness of the materials making it. 

He reaches toward Lan Wangji and asks, “Hold my hand?”

“But--”

“I only said not to say it. Not that it’s unwelcome.”

His touch is surprisingly warm. Lan Wangji laces their fingers together and traces the lines of Wei Ying’s veins with his other hand.

“Wei Ying--” he tries again, but Wei Ying shushes him. 

“Hush now, Lan Zhan. Just hold me. They’ll be here soon.”

It’s cold, in the cave. With his core depleted, Lan Wangji feels it seeping in through the many layers of his robes. He hurts -- everywhere. His heart, certainly, but there’s the ache of overtaxed muscles as well, and the nettle-bite of a hundred tiny cuts, partially healed and stinging for it. 

He thinks he will hurt much more before the night is through. 

Wei Ying’s breath is shallow and murky, but it’s even. His pulse is weak beneath his pale, thin skin. Resentment bleeds from somewhere under his robes, spilling sluggishly and sapping whatever remains of Wei Ying’s warmth. 

He’s dying, Lan Wangji knows. He’s dying, and there’s nothing Lan Wangji can do to save him. 

So Lan Wangji turns his mind to other problems. The other thing, the tenses that seem out of place, but possibly are not. 

Wei Ying is ingenious. He has created things -- terrible, powerful things -- that no one had imagined, that now everyone clamors for. If anyone could… what? Reverse the flow of time? Step in and out of the stream, perhaps? It would be him. 

“If you’ve done this before,” Lan Wangji asks, “why not fix it? Why not live?”

Wei Ying does not seem surprised by the question. But, if he’s done this before, perhaps he answered it before. Perhaps none of this is new to him. 

“It doesn’t work,” Wei Ying sighs. “It all falls apart. The clans fall to each other if not to Wen Ruohan. They need--”

“A villain. So you’ve said.” Lan Wangji can’t stand to hear the easy acceptance in Wei Ying’s voice as he repeats the brand again. 

“Ah, Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying’s lungs fail to contain his excitement, and he coughs wetly around what might have been a laugh. He says, “Interrupting me, so bold!”

Which is truly--

“I am trying to understand.”

“I know. I know. There’s no time. Which will be very funny to you later. Nothing but time. Maybe I will see you again, Lan Zhan.”

And maybe he will, but will Lan Wangji see Wei Ying again? If they’ve done this all before, what happens to Lan Wangji when Wei Ying starts over? He certainly has no memory of this. Where does Wei Ying begin again? Is it even the same stream in time, or simply another branch in the watershed? 

These questions and more pile up in Lan Wangji’s throat, too thick to speak through. 

In the end, they don’t matter because, “They will kill you.”

“Yes. Yes, and you should let them. So you can save A'Yuan.” A’Yuan, again. 

Wei Ying turns away from him, then. He doesn’t pull his hand back, and Lan Wangji finds he is pathetically grateful for this small comfort allowed to him. 

“Maybe,” Wei Ying says, “maybe you can make them all see. Make them open their eyes in the Burial Mounds. Make them see who it is they’re running through.”

The Burial Mounds. The Wens. The tiny village of broken men and women who have drawn life from a mountain made of death. 

Lan Wangji cannot fathom why the sects would besiege such a place, yet he knows that they must. That they’ve been threatening it for months. And now that Wei Ying is injured, now that his general has burned, now that his power source has shattered to pieces and the Burial Mounds are left defenseless… Now, he supposes, they must. Or else allow themselves to be called cowards by those who desire power more than justice. 

And Wei Ying has done this before. 

He brings their entwined hands to his mouth, but stops before he can touch his lips to Wei Ying’s skin. Not unwelcome, but not welcome, either. 

“Why can’t we show them together, Wei Ying? Why?”

“It doesn’t work. It’s too late for me. You saw what I did to them. You saw the monster I’ve become.”

The monster they made him into. It was their own hunger for the Yin Tiger Seal that drove Wei Ying to destroy it. The chaos that rained down, a disaster brought about by their greed, their prejudice, their failure to see Wei Ying and all that he was and cherish him as he deserved. 

Lan Wangji’s own failure. 

“Wei Ying--”

“I asked you to kill me once. If I was too far gone. Do you remember that?”

Lan Wangji freezes, his blood thickens and slows like ice in his veins. 

Of course he remembers. That night haunts him, will forever haunt him, now. The night he should have pulled himself up onto a horse and rode with them. The night he should have trusted Wei Ying. Should have protected him. 

His jaw barely moves, “I do.”

“Would you do it now?”

“Wei Ying?!” Lan Wangji jumps to his feet, dropping Wei Ying’s hand and immediately missing the touch. But he cannot-- He cannot. 

“I know,” Wei Ying says, a rueful edge to his tone. “You’re too good, Lan Zhan. You never agree to that.”

This time. Before. Always. Never. 

“Wei Ying, please.” Lan Wangji cannot hold the whine in his throat. 

“I could make you.”

There’s something in Wei Ying’s voice when he says it. Something malicious. 

No. Venomous. 

It is not evil. Wei Ying is not evil. He is good, sunlight, righteousness. 

Even the black and white banded snake strikes only in defense, or in hunger. Which is this, Lan Wangji wonders. Defense, or hunger?

“Wei Ying?”

“I could make you kill me,” he says, the venom thick on his tongue. “I haven’t tried that before. You would be the hero, then maybe you could stop the slaughter.”

“You are not a villain, Wei Ying!” His voice sounds harsh to his own ears. It ricochets off the stone walls like a rock slide in a canyon. Loud, crashing, and trembling. 

“I am,” Wei Ying presses. “I’m a monster, haven’t you heard? A demon. You would be venerated for putting me down.”

Wei Ying’s eyes -- clever and cruel -- begin to take on that eerie red hue, and Lan Wangji can’t stand it. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what else he can do. He has tried listening, he has tried confessing, he has tried arguing. None of it makes a difference. 

The tears he’s held back begin to burn once more. Insistent. Desperate. 

His body moves for him, seeking comfort in penance as it has over and over again. He spreads his skirts and kneels on the uneven stone. 

The stone is colder now, like the cold of snow over gentian blooms. It is rough and rugged like gravel. 

But he remembers that kneeling alone has never worked before. Kneeling alone has brought him nothing but absolution -- a release from the punishment, but not release from longing, not release from his own ruthless hunger. 

His mouth moves for him, “Please…”

He watches his tears fall, the curve of them catching whatever light is left in this cave. They shine like diamonds. 

“Please, Wei Ying…” 

They are as useless to him as diamonds. 

“It would crush you to do it, I know.” 

The ice in Wei Ying’s voice thaws a little. But Lan Wangji can see determination still flickering in his eyes. The red has faded, at least. The silver seems dulled with exhaustion. 

“We could do it together,” Wei Ying offers, “you and I. Draw your sword, Lan Zhan.”

“No.”

Lan Wangji tucks his fingers into fists and squeezes tight. It’s all he can do not to scream. Not to rage. Not to flee. 

“Lan Zhan, they’ll kill me either way. Let me die like this: in your arms, with you by my side.”

“I can’t--”

“A quick slide, right through my ribs. It will be almost peaceful this way.”

Almost peaceful --

“No!”

“You can hold me.” 

Lan Wangji feels the offer like a slap. He closes his eyes against it, against the want that curls in him even now. Even like this. 

“They’ll praise you for it.” Wei Ying knows him well enough to sound sorry about it. “You’ll hate that, but then the spoils will be yours. You can claim them. It could work, Lan Zhan.”

The spoils. The Wens. A’Yuan. As if anyone would allow him this. As if he wouldn’t have to wrench it from their greedy, grasping hands. 

“Wei Ying, please do not ask this of me.”

“It’s too much. I know. I know, Zhiji.”

Zhiji. I still am. 

Lan Wangji knows he’s being placated, but he doesn’t care. He grasps at the word -- the acknowledgment -- with both hands. He clutches them into Wei Ying’s bloody robes. 

“Zhiji. Zhiyin. Wei Ying.”

It still feels exhilarating to say. To speak into existence. Into memory. 

“You would do it if I asked you to. I know you would.” 

He would. It’s true. 

What does that make him? A monster? A fool? 

Tears stream down Lan Wangji’s face. He can feel their tracks on his cheeks. A deluge, unstoppable. Unimportant. 

Wei Ying bites his lip, turning it even paler around the dull edges of his teeth. 

“But is that something I can let myself ask of you? Is it too cruel? To make you bear this with me? To make you take some of the weight.”

He isn’t asking Lan Wangji. Not really. He’s thinking through a problem. Lan Wangji’s input is neither required nor requested. His opinion, his desire, is known. 

Lan Wangji begs anyway. 

“Please, don’t… Please, Wei Ying.”

Even as he does, he knows. He knows how this will end and he hates himself for it. He wishes, just for a moment, that he could be like his father. That he could say, No. You’re coming with me. I will keep you safe, whether you like it or not. 

But he can’t. 

Wei Ying is right. There are only so many ways forward. This one… This one could save lives. Possibly. Potentially. 

It’s excruciating. Like tilling soil on a mountain of bones. 

“Draw your sword, Lan Zhan.”

Bichen comes easy to his hands, once he’s untwisted them from Wei Ying’s robes. The white of the scabbard is too clean, too bright, for this place. The blade, too pure. 

“Wei Ying.”

“Good. Good. It’ll be quick. So quick.”

Lan Wangji knows well the speed at which life can drain from a body. 

He helps Wei Ying sit up as he slides himself down. Wei Ying is still far too thin, but the weight of him as he settles back against Lan Wangji’s chest is grounding. Lan Wangji tries to focus on that. On the places he and Wei Ying are pressed together. An embrace. A last comfort for Lan Wangji to hold onto. 

“Don’t worry,”Wei Ying says, “they’ll be here soon. They’ll see. They’ll help you. Your brother will help you.” 

Bichen’s tip settles easily -- too easily -- between the ladder-rungs of Wei Ying’s ribs. The blue light lends a sickly hue to Wei Ying’s pallor, but catches in his eyes like cold, crisp winter mornings. 

“Yes, right there.” 

The angle -- the angle that will kill Wei Ying with the least pain, the least suffering, the-- the fastest… It strains at Lan Wangji’s shoulder and elbow. He doesn’t have the qi to spend to hold Bichen with only his core. He has to use his hand. 

He has to use his hand. For this. 

“It’s okay, Lan Zhan. It’s okay. It’s okay if it’s you.”

“This is not--”

“I know. I know. Just hold me.”

This is not what they meant when they said this in the rain. Either of them. This is not what they wanted when they came to this cave. Either of them. 

But Wei Ying believes it will work, and Lan Wangji trusts Wei Ying. 

He wishes--

No. The time for wishes has passed. But there is, perhaps, time left one thing. 

“Wei Ying?”

“Yes, Lan Zhan?”

“May I say it.”

“Ha. Yes, Lan Zhan. I think. I think I’d like to hear it.”

“I love you, Wei Ying.”

“I know. I love you, too, Lan Zhan.”

“I know.”

And he finds he does know. Because as much as he trusts Wei Ying, Wei Ying is trusting him, too. He is here. In Lan Wangji’s arms. Ready to die. Ready for Lan Wangji to kill him. Because it is right. This time. 

Lan Wangji’s tears spill onto Wei Ying’s shoulder. 

“It’s okay, Lan Zhan. Deep breath. That’s it. It’s okay. It will be okay.”

“What’s that?”

But he knows. 

“Footsteps. They’re almost here.”

Lan Wangji nods. 

Wei Ying starts to beg. 

“Lan Zhan, please. You can do it. Please. Lan Zh--”

A short slide. 

“Wei Ying.”

The only light in the world goes out. 

--

“Wei Ying.”

.

“I love you.”

.

“I’m here.”

.

.

.

When his family enters the cavern, they bring with them talismans of light. Dozens of elders follow behind Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren, but Lan Wangji only really sees his brother. 

“Wangji?”

A sob cracks its way out of Lan Wangji’s chest. 

“Xiongzhang. He’s gone.”

Lan Xichen is gracious. His eyes don’t stray from Lan Wangji’s. Not to Wei Ying’s body, or the way Lan Wangji is clutching at it. Not to Bichen, dropped numbly to the ground, blood, red and glistening, wetting several inches at the tip. 

Not even to Lan Wangji’s bare forehead. Or to the ribbon wrapped -- too hastily, too late -- around Wei Ying’s wrist. 

He lets their uncle, their elders, witness those things. 

Lan Xichen simply kneels down before his brother and whispers, “Oh, Wangji.”

--

(Lan Wangji's love is kept secret. His vanquishing of the evil Yiling Laozu turned legend. He retreats from the world and builds a home for the Wens, this time on a mountain that is already green with life and rich with promise.)

(He wanders in the forgotten places, the places that do not know him. And he teaches his son that rumor is not to be trusted.)

(Lan Wangji will never be more grateful that Wei Ying didn't ask him to sing again as he is when he hears their song played on a poorly cut flute and thinks only of life, survival, and love.)

[grassbreads]

I cannot stop thinking about Wei Wuxian and how. like. blatantly suicidal he is when Wen Chao throws him into the Burial Mounds. We really truly do not talk about this enough.

Wei Wuxian talks about how losing his golden core breaks Jiang Cheng, because JC sees himself as having nothing to live for but rebuilding his clan and getting revenge against the Wens, and so without the power to do that, his life is nothing. It's not worth living. But the thing is, Wei Wuxian feels the exact same way after the transfer. He directly thinks, when Wen Chao threatens to kill him, that dying "won't be any worse than living." A life without power is not better than death to him, because he can never again seek to do anything meaningful or great. He is nearly as torn apart by the loss of his core as Jiang Cheng was.

Then the Wens show up, and in his desperation for the power to enact revenge, Wei Wuxian welcomes his own death with open arms. He thinks of the fact that he might come back as a ferocious ghost to enact his revenge, and he feels "an unparalleled thrill," because nothing matters to him anymore but somehow regaining the ability to enact violence against Wen Zhuliu, Wang Lingjiao, and Wen Chao, even if it means his own death.

And I know that it's different in different adaptations, but in the book, Wei Wuxian has never actually controlled/harnessed resentful energy before he's tossed into the Burial Mounds. He's interested in learning, and he might have some ideas on how to try, but I think the fact he learns when he does is important. He needs the Burial Mounds' surplus of resentful energy, and he needs desperation as the impetus to try demonic cultivation in the first place, but beyond that, I think the suicidal fury of his mindset when he's thrown down by Wen Chao is absolutely vital.

The Wei Wuxian that's tossed into the Burial Mounds wants to die, and he's purposely filling himself up with as much hatred and resentment as possible. He actively wants to become a fierce ghost. And I'd argue that it's this state of mind, this empathy and parallel to the bodies and monsters around him, that enables him to unlock the secret of demonic cultivation.

Who better to learn to understand the undead than a man that's already halfway to becoming one?

[trans-xianxian]

I think sometimes the utter tragedy of wei wuxians death is sort of drowned out by the fact that he gets resurrected. even before finishing the show and learning that he finds happiness again, you go into his death scene already knowing that he comes back. which is part of the genius of the story of course but also when you take the entire nevernight sequence and think about it within a reality in which wei wuxian is never resurrected, it presents a new and raw sort of heartbreak

[aphel1on]

suicidal characters... save me...

suicidal characters

save me suicidal characters

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

Heya Orion! I have a question for you! I haven't read the book yet but I do know some things, but do have any major concrete answers on how wwx died? If not, then how do you think it went? Through a resentful energy backlash, him having full control of it and commiting suicide or something else? Just curious about it! Thank you for being a blessing in this amazing (albeit crazy as heck) fandom!

Awww, you so sweet, anon...

We get rumors at first, and, eventual verbal confirmation from Wei Wuxian on his means of death twice.

Volume One: Prologue

Didn’t Wei Ying’s demonic cultivation backfire, causing him to be ripped apart and devoured by the ghosts under his command? I heard he was chewed to pieces while still alive.”

Volume Two: Chapter 9: Alluring

Wen Ning said softly, “Sect Leader Jiang—Jiang Cheng—brought forces to besiege the Burial Mounds. And killed you, sir.”

"That one I should clarify,” Wei Wuxian replied," He didn’t kill me. I died from spiritual backlash."

Volume Four: Chapter 19: Core of the Truth

He pointed at Yi Weichun, who remained unconscious in the crowd. “He lost a leg, I was torn to shreds; you lost your parents, but my family’s long dead. I am but a stray dog driven from my home. I never saw a single grain of my parents’ ashes. Do you still hate the Wen survivors? The evil Wen survivors you all spoke of already died once, thirteen years ago. And just now, right here—for my sake, for the sake of saving you—they died again. This time, they’re gone for good. Poof. So please enlighten me. What more do you want?”

So, with the above, it was backlash, nothing denotes he purposely tried to kill himself in the book, just that he did want to destroy the Yin Hufu which is what Jin Guangshan had wanted anyway. Dying was due to the backlash of spiritual energy from destroying it. Similarly to how he was unable to control his hold on whatever energy he had when it came to manipulating Wen Ning to have killed Jin Zixuan at Qiongqi Path. So, highly similar to Qi deviation and the lack of control over spiritual energy, but instead of his own as with a core, it was the one controlled through a previous medium.

In all, inevitably he was going to die, it was just that destroying the Yin Hufu is what got him, intention not withstanding of course, and not the siege that had come for him. And, as he said, why would he want to die again when he fought tooth and nail to survive. Bit of a waste to put up a fight if he wanted to ever commit suicide, when he lived for three months longer before the attack against him.

[monsieurboyardee]

mxy's pov where he keeps seeing this ghost out of the corner of his eye and then he meets lwj and finds out that everyone he knows is a reincarnation and they're all doomed to follow the same path, meaning that he has to give up his body for wwx and just his thoughts on knowing that he is doomed to follow the same path, and that there's no other way for wwx to return. And at first he resists it, bc his life was tragic but now he's got a job at a coffee shop and his makeup account on insta is starting to gain traction and he doesn't want to die, not like he did when he was still living at his shitty aunt's house with his nasty ass cousin. Because that's what this means, his giving up his body for wwx means that he has to die in the process. And lwj tries to find a way to keep mxy alive bc he isn't a Bad Kid and he doesn't WANT mxy to die, and he remembers wwx in all their past lives telling him that he hated how in order for him to be happy, mxy had to suffer so.

And wwx isn't actually present in this reincarnation, he just waits on the edges of Mxy's peripheral and at the end of dark hallways, his skin torn off and hanging limply all over his body, burns all over his legs and his arms, always bloody, always pale-faced and stoic and silent. It's hard to connect the ghost that stares back at him in the deli windows to the sweet stories lwj tells about him, hard to think of that ghastly figure as the one who puts such a sweet smile on lwj's otherwise stoic face.

But as time progresses mxy notices that wwx is getting fainter and fainter, getting ready to move on. And one night lwj gets drunk and he mistakes mxy for wwx, and claws at him while he sobs for an hour and just tells him "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" until he eventually passes out. And mxy knows that no matter how much lwj tells him that it's okay, that in every lifetime wwx has returned to him, he doesn't need to in this one...no matter how much looking at lwj makes his heart flutter, makes him ache to press their lips together, makes him want to let the ghost that's been following him for years now disappear forever, and take wwx’s place to live happily with this strange, stoic man...mxy cannot allow lwj to suffer any longer.

And so that night, mxy pulls out the pictures of the ritual lwj had given him and he draws it out on his own floor, hands shaking but determined to see this through. He's said goodbye on his makeup account, has quit his job at the coffee shop he so loved, and he's not ready to die, but he's determined to follow the path that was set for him. For Wei Wuxian. For...for Lan Wangji.

He says the words he needs to say, spills the blood he needs to spill, and just before he goes he makes sure that his soul cannot return to his body, this time on purpose, to allow wwx to live out the rest of his days with lwj. And as his soul is ripped from his body painfully and in a bright flash of power, mxy swears he hears someone sob a "I'll save you next time, I swear. Thank you."

When lwj busts down mxy's door the next morning, silver eyes snap to his face, startled and confused and wet with tears. There's a whispered, "lan zhan?" And lwj crumples to his knees.

[llycaons]

but that's why it's such a compelling story, right? that why I still love reading about what happens after. such a brilliant and spirited and funny and life-loving character was driven to literal suicide at a very young age by the events that happened in his life, and we get to see him come back to a new life, older and changed but still himself, and still capable of appreciating life and experiencing joy. and against all odds, he does! I and many others have speculated on the fact that wwx really should be more traumatized in canon that he appears, that it'll take years or decades of healing with support and security before he can be considered 'recovered', if ever

but the thing is...he gets that. he has a home with someone he loves, who deeply cherishes him and who knows him. he has decades of life to live - longer if you go by novel canon and have him develop mxy's core. he has a little family of people who respect and value him, with ties to his lost siblings and friends. he has the security of extremely powerful cultivators and a massive sect. he's no longer wanted by the cultivation world, and he makes his peace with loved ones both living and dead. and canonically he takes those opportunities and he thrives. the narrative - in the novel, donghua, and drama - wants you to know that he has a happy ending. that's canon! that despite everything he's gone through and lost, he ends the story happy

[raeyhem]

incoming messages for the girls in honor of pride month 😍

[nettlestingsoup]

scrolling through ao3 like hm. can't find the exact content i want. do i. have to create it.