#sure we're still best friends but like.
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every relationship either lasts forever or fails so like. idk why I'm surprised and upset about another one not lasting forever.
#sure we're still best friends but like.#i wanted to marry you and move in with you and make a life together.#and now im back at that awkward stage where if i date anyone i have to explain we're a package deal exceot now#it comes with the caveat that we did have sex and we did intend to get married and i guess thats not fully off the table#but man i dont WANT to date i dont want to have to meet new people i fucking hate it why do you think i have like#5 friends!!!!#i need to be approached like a wild fucking bird.#i fucking hate this.#i cant do online distance dating and i dont want to date anyone in town because i fucking sucks here#so maybe i am just destined to be single#which isnt an issue i guess its not like im. 17 anymore and crying myself to sleep about it#ive accepted im aroflux but like.#idk man!!!! shit sucks!#i haye when relationships change.#i just wanted them to be the person i woke up to every moring for the rest of my life
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Bungou Stray Dogs: Dead Apple and how “ability users” (opposite to “normal people”) learning to accept themselves through the acceptance of their own abilities is a queer metaphor of acceptance of own's sexual orientation and gender: an essay by me
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#About: Dead Apple. Watched this a while ago with a friend and it was a lot of fun!!!#If you're reading this: thank you so much for hanging out with me I had such a good time (ㅅ´ ˘ )♡#Next to general considerations: wow they were right that Bungou Stray Dogs movie sure can Bungou Stray Dogs#It's always nice to see the detailed animation and elaborate backgrounds of movies. The animation quality compared to the manga is–#definitely noticeable and it's nice to see. That said... I still like the season 2 art style more? And I'm speaking strictly of art style.#The s2 one looks more soft and smooth while the da one is so much more rough.#The plot is... Very bsd-esque I don't think there's anything to add.#In my opinion Kyouka's arc is the one that turned out best tbh. I really like her narrative development and personal growth in this movie.#I like the complexity of her state of mind. how full of contradiction she is. I especially appreciate the recurring small changes of–#expression that indicate how she thinks differently from Atsushi even if she doesn't voice them. The fight between her cynicism and her–#kind nature. It's all very interesting.#Atsushi's development is interesting too. Although all the open questions about his ability we still have kind of leave me frustrated#I don't feel very strongly about Akutagawa in this movie? I mean‚ he's there. The ss/kk scenes are always great and in character and a joy–#to witness no matter what they do. He just doesn't shine particularly? Or at least personally I dont find the “proving my strength against–#myself” narrative arc to be particularly interesting. Imo it was a lot better flashed out in the da stage play! With the complexity that–#the dialogues with Chuuya added to the character. Dazai attacking him. And especially Aktgw understanding that Rashomon wasn't testing Aktg#but rather only expressing that unstoppable rage that is also Aktgw's own. About that I checked out the play and I really liked it!!#I only watched highlights (aka: ss/kk and chuu/aku scenes) but there's some stuff I really like. I like the conflict between Aktgw and–#Chuuya and how Chuuya messes up with Aktgw at first maliciously and then amiably. It's interesting how Atsushi himself observes that Kyouka#and Akutagawa get along. And especially the sskk almost-handholding and Atsushi saying Akutagawa has a nice profile were cute akjdhbsawhjb#Next. Da really is shipping paradise (╥﹏╥) Sorry but... It is. oda/zai. daz/atsu. ss/kk. s/kk. fuku/mori. chuu/aku. It really has everythin#and the moments are so good!!!! What else. Wish we'd see more of Tsujimura. And Christie. And women in general tbh.#Also‚‚‚‚‚ Atsushi's tiger form in this movie is ATROCIOUS. I've said it before but it's crazy how a franchises that relies so heavily on–#fanservice came up with something this hideous. Man the movie overall was pretty but Atsushi sure wasn't. Firmly stand by the belief–#that only Akutagawa would find that form attractive.#Oh last note. honestly if we're ready to accept a movie where an antidote has effect AFTER the person has effectively died then we really–#can't complain about any kind of insanity the manga brings up#random rambles
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Ask game! 6, 8, 11!!
6: Age you get mistaken for
8: Want any tattoos?
11: Best friend?
#im still trying to get thru these wough#i started this ask game and by god im going to finish it#sorry if the best friend answer isnt what u had in mind but i really am kind of weird abt the idea and permanence of best friends#i did have someone i called a best friend in 2nd grade but we drifted apart. my mom still brings them up and asks me why i#dont talk to them if we're best friends that it makes it feel like smth im not living up to. so i avoid using it if i can#we're still on good terms we just dont talk often unless we see each other at gatherings. im sure they arent disappointed by it either#its just complicated since i try to show what i mean more through how i act since im not good at expressing myself most of the time#its just easier to keep it to myself than try to box it into smth definable#ask game#ask#answered#doodles#sona#puppysona
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*is hold*
#ROTTMNT#TMNT#leonardo#donatello#michelangelo#april o'neil#rhinociart#we're not gonna talk about whatever's going on with donnie's eyes okay I can't figure out how to fix it#leo and april be like: what if our outfits were twinning tho#I'm sure there's leo x april shippers out there so [blows kiss] for u#meanwhile I'm just shaking them around in the You Coveted This Prison jar THEY'RE THE BEST FRIENDS EVER?????#still learning how to scan alcohol markers in a way that don't look like garbage ack
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Movie!Tails 🤝 Nine
Getting all 😳😊 when Sonic says that he considers them a friend
#sonic the hedgehog#sontails#sonine#unbreakable bond#miles tails prower#tails the fox#sonic prime#sonic wachowski#miles nine prower#nine sonic prime#nine the fox#i just be ramblin#If you know you know#The scene with Nine gets me because Sonic is like 'Only a true friend could pull off a save like that'#and Nine STUTTERS. He's like ''Friend? We're f-friends?'' all airy like and smiling like he's not sure he can believe it#And then later Sonic's like 'Mess with my best bud and you get blasted!'#And it's like the first time Sonic's referred to Nine as a best friend of his so Nine gets this soft heartfelt smile like it was touching😭#And then the scene from Sonic movie 2 man#Tails is like 'Do you really mean that? About me being your pal?'#and he places his hand over his own heart and everything‚ smiling like the implication is just touching#and Sonic's like 'Of course‚ buddy' and Tails smiles even bigger and just hugs him#Gaaaaaaaaaah they just they just get me#I spent a lot of time in the S0riku trenches in my youth waxing poetry about Riku’s feelings and like#Nine and movie Tails' reactions to being considered friends or best friends to Sonic speaks to that part of me#(that part of me who used to wax poetry about Riku not being able to believe that Sora still considers him a best friend‚ much less anythin#else he'd want the two of them to be)#And Nine specifically‚ he wants to be someone special and irreplaceable for Sonic. So especially when Sonic calls him 'best bud'‚ I think i#allows him to believe for a moment that his dream is possible and that Sonic would choose to live in a world of their own making with him
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@gen-is-gone and I bought a house!!!!!
#we BOUGHT a HOUSE?!?!?!#something about this doesnt feel real#this has been a mjaor source of stress for the last few months#and it's not over but suddenly I have a document saying I own a house and it's weird#the housing market here absolutely sucks (fuck airbnb for real) but we found a place that we really like#everyone should buy a house with their best friend I recommend it highly#i really didnt think this was something I could ever afford to do#still not sure I can but we're trying anyway#holy shit#nickel for my thoughts
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mike could've easily been the bad guy in season 1 if they'd framed the exact same events a little differently so let's all remember that storytelling is a matter of perspective and trickery. that's why they call it an unreliable narrator
#stranger things#mike wheeler#st posting#from lucas's perspective his best friend goes missing#his other best friend knows an awful lot about it with no evidence besides his intuition so they're pretty sure it's his fault#then this weird girl shows up in the exact place friend 1 went missing and friend 2 is suddenly obsessed with her#lucas confronts mike about it and el throws him through the air with her mind about it#could've killed him#is probably leaving will to die by refusing to let them rescue him#his friends (primarily mike) still defend her#like. it's insane#but we're on mike's side because we understand that he 1) cares about el and 2) knows el is the key to getting will back#his character is based in empathy and kindness for everyone involved and we know that because we're in his head#but for people who aren't? for lucas? for the AUDIENCE by the time season 3/4 rolls around?#that's much less obvious
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Spoiler: I didn't go to sleep. But I will shortly after this post
#i'm sleepy. i'm dramatic. i'm silly. i'm affectionate; maybe#I know two people will see this. maybe? One of them is Moon. Dani is the other. again. maybe#i'm just gonna#AHEMS. words for both of these people; starting with Dani#first off. Damn I didn't think I'd ever read you calling me bestie. buut once I did I must admit the widest smile showed up in my face#I consider you a best friend as well; but from how cool you are? I never thought you'd look at me and go “yeah. thas my bestie”#second off. just like Moon; I saw (and still do) you as one of my biggest inspirations. The Lav blog and your silly characters made me want#-to get to know the entire server as a whole. so yea you're part of the reason I even started my drawing blog!#and now. my Wife. Moon. Ducky. Moondydusky (/silly)#grabby hands 💥 I wanna tell you just how much I love you all over again everyday. Not sure if you'd ever get tired of It but I just wanna#you're such an important person to me. Everyday I miss talking to you and giggle if I do talk to you#really. makes me just want to have you besides me I wanna just hug you before going to sleep I wanna kiss that pretty face of yours 😭💥💥#grfggarfwgshg#wif#:AAA:#anyway I love you so much and I'm still amazed how I went from “this person is SO cool” to “i'm proud to announce this is my wife!”#aaaand the SECRET THIRD OPTION.... Points at the bee#ASH if you're here I want you to know you're an AMAZING friend and you're so supportive and so cool and I wanna be you when I grow up /sill#you're literally just a little sibling to me /silly /pos#anyWay going to sleep fr now HEHAJHD goodnight everybody!!#(to any other mutuals. if I follow you and you follow me 👁️👁️ YOU ARE SO SO AMAZING AND COOL AND I'M SO GLAD WE'RE MOOTS RAHHHH)#I think I ranted too much. erm. yeah goodnight before I edit this post again
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Didn't get the chance to post about it earlier but, today is Klaus' 11th birthday!!
Happy birthday my evil angel!! Every year I get to have with you is so precious to me. You may be a smelly old man now, but you're my smelly old man. I love you always and forever 💕💋💝
#crazy cat klaus#it anazes me how much time has passed#sometimes I look at klaus and still that adorable 3 month old kitten we saw advertised in the newspaper#other times I can see how much he's matured#his belly fur is all white now. and the fur just above his nose is going gray#I'm so grateful to get to have him with me in his golden years#I've never gotten to keep a cat past the age of 5 before#because at the old apartment we weren't allowed to have cats. and somehow we always got caught with them#around the time they were 3-5 years old and we'd have to surrender them to a shelter#except that one time...my poor precious Peanut. I'll never forgive my family for leaving him in the woods#but Klaus and also Mummas are special cases#especially now that we're in a place where we can have cats and not get in trouble#I'm literally so happy to have him with me#Klaus has been with me since I was 15. a very dark time in my life. he's been with me thru pretty much everything#seeing him age is beautiful. but its also scary#I wish cats lived forever...I know every moment I get to have with him is precious#sometimes I think about the inevitable and it hurts so much to think about. like rn.#I don't wanna rhink about it on his birthday but its hard#he's 11. that's old for a cat. not super old but still#Im p sure Klaus could be considered my soul cat#he isn't the most super cuddly. he doesn't lay on anyone usually. but he shows his affection very well#he's almost always there when Im sad or sick. he's my best friend#I love him so much. and he knows it. and I know he loves me too#happy birthday baby#sam's rants about life
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when your parents say that there are a lot of things they push you towards and want you to excel at except for Tuesday nights, which is the day you go to Encircle writer's night, where Encircle is literally a place where queer people in Utah can go and feel safe and be loved and find a scene of community they might not be able to find in Utah (at least that's how I see it) and it's also one of the only places you've actually been welcomed into and found people like you, and one of the first places you've actually fit in that you didn't create yourself... plus it's helping you grow as a writer and a person
and they don't like me going there because I'm "feeding the wolf" and "leaning into my 'other side'" of my identity as a queer person because it's "gay" and "indoctrinating me" and they don't think I can explore myself and my identity in that way while also having a strong testimony and being a part of the LDS church
and then they expect me to come to them when I don't feel safe or welcomed or loved
#mama drama#toby trauma time#queer#we love conservative parents#they're not as bad as others though#my mom literally took us to see a drag queen show for her birthday#but like. come on#they also ask me if me and my best friend are “still just friends” every time me hang out#and I'm not completely sure but my mom doesn't seem to like trans people#and if I come out as ace my mom will probably try to convince me that sex is amazing and sacred and that I just haven't tried it yet#and then she'll tell me that I can't have sex until I'm married#but i'm literally asexual and I don't want to#but if I tell her that's one of my biggest fears of marriage: the expectation of sex and sex being sacred#then we're back to the beginning#lds church#I love the church and I have a strong testimony#but also come on#ah yes#supportive parents in everything I do BUT explore my identity and live my life happily#asexual#aegosexual#panromantic
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🩷
#don't think that i take for granted the fact that i was born into the happiest marriage/family in our entire extended clan#this family (on both sides) is rife with divorce and rebellious children and couples that have lost their spark and always seem sad#and sure my parents bicker on occasion and have teir frustrations like any couple#but they're in love! still! after 28 years!!! they're each other's best friends#and the three of us get along so wonderfully and we're always laughing together there is LOVE in this household#but that's just so vanishingly rare it feels like#none of my friends are this close to their parents#and idk i feel like most of the couples we know (not all but most) don't have the kind of happiness my parents have#so i'm in between having a huge appreciation for where i am in life#and fear that i'll never find something like that myself#like sometimes i just think too deeply about it and it feels so difficult so impossible#“this happens once every few lifetimes”#but then i think i'm just being paranoid and actually we DO know lots of very happy enduring couples#that CAN be me#but in a way it's just all a game of chance isn't it#no doubt someone out there would be a good fit for me but what if i never meet him#what if we just. miss each other#there's such a fine line between finding true love and eternal solitude#it can be anything a messed up coffee order a dinner you get invited to a job offer you accept#but you never know what it'll be!!!! and that's so scary!!!!!!!!!#okay i think i'm just making myself feel worse so i'll stop here and go to bed#but just. yea. food for thought on this night of my parents' anniversary#elly's posts
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i'm so bummed i accidentally turned town a job interview for a job where I could have worked with a good friend and mentor 😔
#i was telling her abt the preschool i got hired at and i was like yeah im worried bc the other teacher doesn't seem nice#and the student teacher ratio is really bad they're really understaffed and underfunded im just really worried it will be too much for me#and she was like oh you should apply to the school i work at bc we're hiring snd the ratio is great and the pay might be better also#and i never knew the name of the school she worked at until then#and its one i DID apply to but i told them nevermind after this one hired me 😬#but now i really wish i'd taken that interview#i'm going to call or email first thing on monday tho and hopefullyyy i can get in for an interview before i start my new job on thursday#so i wont literally have to take time off for it#and then if they offer me i will be able to tell the new job nevermind while its still early#either that or i'll try to stick it out a few months then apply to the other one for summer or something#but im not sure whether its best to quit immediately or let them think im dependable and staying then leave in three months lol#but mostly for the other job idk if it would ruin the opportunity to tell them nevermind i want the job a week after i said no#compared to a few months later#they might have forgotten me by then which would probably be good#idkkk#my first reference literally works there which will hopefully help and maybe they'll give me a break#the pay scale looks the same as the one i just accepted but i think they'll offer less bc they're not as desperate#but i literally dont care its such a better working environment#and the pay scale is the same so they would give me a raise after a few months#and the work will be so much easier#and the commute#and i Definitely know i can work with my friend#vs the co teacher at this new job who seems really intense and unfriendly#anyway!!#im really anxious abt this new job and i'll stay if the other place wont take me now#but i really hope they give me another chance#also its super close and easy drive and the commute for the other one scares me a bit lol#this has been a shitpost
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screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!
#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite#the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life!#and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were#near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!!#i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and#have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and#are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without#realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time!#i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you#and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day#knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit#that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020#but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will#i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had#and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty#but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger.#and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now.#guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!!#HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON!#ann with an ie#<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again
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one day it'll be crazy if i meet someone irl who actually likes and plays ffxiv before meeting me
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#and not in an event or whatnot that is related to ffxiv too. ragh. AND NOT SOMEONE RANDOM you just meet at a mall... someone#who could become a friend i mean. argh. that is the dream indeed.#idk my two closest friends in relation to ffxiv are 1. one of my best friends who i met thru twt and ARGHHH I LOVEU SM /P#and 2. really cool guy friend who meets a lot to me and is just slightly older but i met this guy in my 1st xiv server and we're still#buddies :(( rlly thx bro. to both of these ppl. and gods the rest i've met in my fcs and statics and whatnot i love everyone so much#even if i barely talk to any of them anymore LMFAO but okay one day i will need to and want to meet someone into ffxiv and. irl.#maybe college! i doubt anytime highschool that will happen. fr.#even college seems unlikely tbh ..... ig it just really depends. i'm way too used to gamers i meet playing the same exact games all the tim#and claiming they play so many games and like gods i love all games sure go ahead but. be fr. i'm just lonely and a tad bit bitter ig lmfao#anyway rambles OVER !!! will do school stuff and random stuff and gods i'm so tired i just want to rest. and not worry abt tmrw.
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istg one of these days.......
#ya know that post thats like texting lesbians: its throw bowling balls down the stairs day u better be game#one of my fave posts ever in the world#anyway my lesbian flatmate texts like the straight female friend part of that post and i love her but its killing me#its endearing but its so hard not to read it as flirty stoppitttt im already dedicating so much work to repressing this little crush 😭#ALSO THAT POST THATS LIKE FLIRTING W GIRLS WILL HAVE U ADDING :3 TO UR TEXTS literally so true but I dont think she means it like that 😭😭#like she talks to everyone that way I remember when I first met her me + my ex spent ages trying to work out if she was gay#bc we were so sure she had a gay vibe but every text felt like it was pointing the other way..... the vindication when I found out she WAS#anyway my resolve weakens with every 😘 emoji like im already thinking abt it dont give me any more ideas !!!!#its not even embarrassing anymore like how am i supposed to exist near someone like her WITHOUT ever having a gay thought#so im not sorry if she sees this. i take rejection like a champ dont be shy#but genuinely tho i dont think shes interested shes just cute like that. and idw make things weird cuz we're still living together next yr#itd be suchh a pain if i made things awkward right when we need to find a place. and anyway my best case is our 3rd flatmates WORST#i wouldnt do that to him god forbid#buuuut...... nope ok enough of that im going back to bed its almost 1am#this is what HAPPENS when u have insomnia tuning into the crazy radio every night#need to get onto dating apps and find smth new to distract me before this gets out of hand....... buttttt i dont want to >:|#its ok my patience is infinite i like playing the long game. i was into my ex for 2 and a half years before i made any moves#i can wait this one out too either itll happen eventually or itll pass. we're good#ok thats GOODNIGHT from me if u read this far wow ur nosy arent u...... jk ily sleep well everyone#muah all round#.diaries
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planning a low key drag night w my buddies and trying on outfits and shit and auurghhhahougjhhhhhaggfjj GENDERRRR. I stg one day things are gonna get better and im gonna go on T and I'm gonna be able to go out in public dressed like this and it's going to be perfect and lovely!!!! im serious!!!!!!!
#gender euphoria in the club rn#(my bathroom)#i also went out v butch today which was a lotta fun#anyway#trying to give goromi here and it's working a little <333#it's also the first time any of my friends are gonna see me in person with fake facial hair but we're rolling with it. baby steps#it's a goatee (i wonder why lol)#but at least 1-2 of my friends has seen pictures before so it's not that bad#im just still not sure if i wanna do that like. outside of drag. like daily gender strats#i feel like the mascara beard isnt my best work...? but then again who give a shit im CUTE
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