#talking abt a bracket btw

[keeperofthebox]

we flushed those plumbers down the toilet, now time to school those summer vacationers... do it for them!! ninjas never quit!!!!!!

[maidfrin]

i'm not really a dr fan anymore but something that will NEVER stop driving me up the wall is the overlap in dr/persona fans where i would hear things like "oh no. chihiro's not a trans girl. [she] just hid [her] gender because [she] was insecure, didn't you play the game? didn't you see [her] dialogue? what do you mean the writers are transmisogynistic? chihiro said it in-game, 'i'm a boy now!'. [she] was never really trans. [she] was just insecure about being a weak boy. that's a common trope in these kinds of games! [she] even asked for help to stop hiding as a girl before [she] died, see, isn't it obvious? even [her] post-game content has [her] say it outright. why can't [she] just be a gnc man? can't men be feminine? just because [she] dresses up femininely doesn't make [her] a girl."

..................and then these same people would turn around and go "persona writers were so transphobic. naoto is obviously a trans boy". like Hey... hey. hey everyone. why don't we think about this for a second?

(i do not think either of these characters are cis. these characters are both very trans coded, chihiro as a trans girl and naoto as a trans boy. i am not saying these characters are cisgender. this is a post about transmisogyny in fandom)

[clembian]

HAIIIII im going to sleep but i wanted 2 say hii <3

[ahxiang]

polls make me entirely too serious absjsjk. i'll see the objectively wrong option winning and think angrily "just because you like it doesn't mean it's the better series, you should vote on the best one not your favorite one 🤬🤬🤬" and then remember that this is literally just a poll on tumblr dot com

[sleepy-vix]

How to annotate your books like i do

i'm writing this because i am bored :)

📰🪶

what you will need:

- a bunch of annotation tabs in a variety of colours (you can buy these on amazon)

- a pencil (preferably tiny so it's not always in your way, but that's up to you.)

- no pens. too permanent and they bleed

- no eraser

- no ruler

- no highlighters, colour pens, or colour pencils

- a pencil hook holder thing that you attach to the plastic flat thing that your annotation tabs are on and put your pencil through. compact. keeps all your stuff together when you're not using the pencil

- a book. obviously

- a drink: optional, and unrelated.

How i make the key:

choose colours that match your book. I usually pick out 5 based on intuition. This is how i make my key:

- the darkest colour is for sad/ horrifying/ basically wtf moments

- i always have one for quotes

- i sometimes have one for fun fact; depends on the book

- i like to have a tab that i label as "hm" which basically means "ooh interesting idea proposed here" (not all books will let me have this tab. like a fantasy book wouldnt have this tab, but a dystopian book would. i love it when books allow me to add this tab ^^)

- sometimes i have one for beautiful descriptions and writing

- i have one for cool protagonist moments

- i have another for 'cool character moments: side characters' (i only give side characters their own tab if i find that i am very attached to them. like i was reading the poppy war, and i was bookmarking kitay moments alot so i decided to give him his own colour)

honestly, i do alot of this based on my intuition, and i like to adapt it as i go along

also here are some more general facts abt my annotation habits:

- i usually leave space in my annotation key because half way through the story i will probably add more to the key

- i don't believe in having a tab for plot points. i'd much rather write my thoughts on foreshadowing and plot theories in the margins of the book with my pencil. i see no need to give it a tab

- my pencil is everything. i try to use pencil to express my thoughts whenever i can. i only tab when i really loved a scene or line and feel that my future self would want to easily flip to it

- i don't force myself to be articulate in my written annotations cus there's no space to be. most of the time i just wrote lol, aw, draw a skull, draw a straight lined face, or draw a crying face so that my future self can see what i was feeling when reading it

- i don't like underlining a whole paragraph, i feel like it looks clunky. so instead i draw a bracket like this [ in the margine so it draws my attention to that entire paragraph and future me will know that i found that entire paragraph to be interesting

- my lines are messy, and i love it. it breaks my reading rhythm to bust out a ruler and meticulously rule my lines, i just wing it and move on

- usually, in my annotation key, to start with, there are no tabs for ships. i usually add that in later on if there is any that i care about. if there is romance that i don't care about then i simply won't add a tab.

my annotation experience is very personal and it's done for my future self, or anyone that would like to see my personal thoughts on the story.

i don't care to annotate in a logical way. i won't make tabs for every main character or every plot device or every romance ship. that makes me feel like i'm shallowly categorizing the scenes in the book... ykwim?

- ooh also, by the end of the book, if i find that i am head over heels in love with it, i'll usually go back and draw on any blank space i can find (i try to draw the scene that is happening)

btw none of these photos are mine

thanks for coming to my ted talk

[honey-milk-depresso]

OO HONEY REQUESTS!!

may i request a gn!reader who'll sit with jade while he either works or does other stuff and listens to him ramble abt mushrooms? the reader isnt the same level of hyperfixated- just mildly interested and loves hearing jade talk, emphasis on loving jades voice www

(also i know you said no oc x oc interactions, but i wanted to ask if youd be fine doing a short kyuu and honey secret date hc from when we joked abt it- if you arent thats totally fine dear!)

DDSDGSGDHS LMAO THIS IS SO CUTE JDDHSHG

also for Honey, I decided I'd do Honeyuu x Reader (but brackets for short parts of how Honeyuu would alternatively be with Kyuu over it cuz- Kyuu my beloved- I can't resist-)

Btw, for more info of requests, you can check out here!

TWST s/o who loves to listen to them

Jade Leech

At first, Jade didn't really take much notice, simply because he was too engrossed with sharing to you all about his "fungi expertise". He was just very happy you paid close attention to him and showed genuine interest in them.

He likes to go on and on about it, in contrast to his softspoken nature that most people know (as well as that sly, sneaky and skeptic persona people can also get intimidated by-).

But the more he looked at you in the eye, the more he realized they looked rather dazed and... dreamy? He was rather curious, simply because he didn't think you'd be so in awe about his mushrooms.

He placed his terrarium bowl down, smiling teasingly at you. "My, my, I didn't know you were so 'awe-struck' by my collection and knowledge of fungi, s/o. Are you really into it, more than me? I won't lie I'm quite jealous of your burning passion, much brighter than mine it seems, fufu~"

You blinked. "Huh? I mean, I am for sure, but the way you talk and share about it is just really cute, and you sound really handsome just like that, hehe~" you smiled back, oblivious to how you made the eel feel his heart leap out.

Slowly, a blush crept up from his neck towards his cheeks, a bright pink doused his fair cheeks.

He smiles dumbfounded but regains his usual polite (just less poised) smile, and his eyes softened.

"Ah... so that's why... ", he mutters to himself. <3

Honey (Honeyuu) Ryuu

This is Honeyuu btw, they're my Yuusona! ^^

Unlike Jade, Honey's not really into fungi. They're actually way nerdier than expected (or maybe it was expected-). They love Literature, a nose stuck into a book and when they aren't, they're sharing all about the book they have recently read to someone close (such as Deuce or A*e).

With you, it's no exception. Be prepared to have Honey ramble about History class, Literature class, the books they have read, and if you're really close to them, so much lovey-dovey, cheesy romance chapters that made them squeal and kicked their legs like a crazy person on the bed.

(Kyuu: Honey would read to them their favourite chapters over key lime pie and fawn over how the chapters are so good, and they wished they were the main character who got their prince charming- they're slightly joking they love Kyuu/ S/o the most- <3)

Sometimes Honey thinks you also have similar interests with them about books, and love novels and just all the "nerdy-book stuff" A*e summarizes it as. You just looked as dazed as they were, and Honey wonders if you love them a lot, or if you're dozing off-

"Say, you always get so dreamy whenever I talk about all my books. Do you love them a lot or are you paying attention...? I- I mean, not to sound rude, I really don't have any bad intentions, it's just that, you know, you look really dazed and all, and I wonder if you're-"

"I am interested. It's just that I also love how you ramble about them and it's just really adorable and cute when you do that. Your voice makes it more charming and endearing," you smiled.

*Honeyuu.exe has stopped working*

Honey malfunctions, with their whole face turning bright red, cheeks burning out of embarrassment and fluster. "H-hey! Y-you can't just say that out of the blue like that...!" they stutter. (Kyuu: "W-WAIT- KYUU- Y-YOU- I-I- MMMHRPPHHHHHDGHDJH-") <3

[raspberrysmoon]

(U do not have to post this one btw 😭😭😭 I have read ur intro post and I am the same w new people do plz don’t think I’m trying to be invasive and I’m talking in brackets so I’m whispering but genuinely. If u still have those notes. I would absolutely love to see them 😭😭/g/nf!!)

i ABSOLUTELY still have those notes !!! heck yeah!!! directly copied from my notes (no worries abt being invasive dw :] i actually wrote them with the intention of putting them as my comment and then they got long lol)

"A denim jacket very kindly bought for him by his favourite colleague (who logically should have a higher rank than him...)" HELLO ?!!???! interesting 👀

"Besides. Things were... from his dog." YES? I LOBE TJIS PARAGRAPH TO DEATH OMG?????

oh :((( jack leading to john :((( oh thats so sweet :((((

"...doesn't matter, sir." WHAT IF I TOLD YOU IM SOBBING???? OH MY GOD ?????

thick french accent ??? 👀 okay slay king

"The only person I live with is my girlfriend, and she’s not even there half the time…she’s a magical woman." YEAHHHHHH SLAY OKAY KING !!!!!! BAGGING THE MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN EVER ?!?!!???

awwwhhhhh he chose his own room :(((( and his own towel :((((( thats so sweet for some reason. wilbur and halloway (sick little name trick btw i see you) are ???? adorable??!?? cuties. halloway disappearing right as wiley appears... hm.... 👀

awhhhh the promises D:

"He was no father figure" hehe. if only he knew

this is the second fic ive read today where maxs middle name has been andrew. fascinating

no. no stop. are you gonna kill him ??????? stop. stop it right now. they live happy ever after stop

STOP IT STOP PLEASE 😭😭😭

"meekly" is not a word i ever wanted to read with john 😭😭😭😭 youre destroying me

HELLO!!??!?????!!??

"Oh fuck, his dads….how would they ever forgive him? Would they ever forgive him? He’d been such an awful child." OW?????? OWCHIE

and from there on out i just gaped at the screen like a zombie. i had thoughts, but i couldnt stop long enough to write them down 😭 so yeah :]

[obscure-song-tournament]

Bracket D - Eleventh Set

There’ll be Someone at my Funeral Who Doesn’t Want to Be There - Sammy J

“musical comedy. tw mention of death but only bc it talks about a funeral. i need to try sue's quiche. you'll understand. 👍”

The Crayon Song - The Class of 3000

“It's fucke dup? It makes me insane.” & “Ok hear me out Class of 3000 is on Spotify and they have exactly *5,187* monthly listeners I'm sorry Can there be an exception made. The song is from an almost 2 decades old cartoon network show that like afaik fucking no one remembers/cares abt outside of the fact that Andre 3000 was the VA for the teacher dude. The video has 138k views after nearly a decade Does that mean anything I don't know. Anyways I'm obsessed with this song it's so catchy and for WHAT. All the songs from this show r bangers btw but this song in particular deranges me (HONORARY).”

[white-boy-bracket]

“Garfield-“ “like-“ “The Cat” “oh I thought you were gonna say Andrew Garfield”

They didn’t expect me to say that when talking abt your bracket. This is not meant as discourse abt it. I just wanted to share an irl convo abt ur polls btw

Ough I've crossed into the real world ..

[istherewifiinhell]

reading progress: chapter 268

reading highlight: (weak jazz hands) tah dahhh. in which. um. in which i read a webnovel and made notes about it. and square brackets are me trying to make sense of my own notes.

243 rules lawyer your wishes rule

244 yjh think of me damnit -> yjh I believe in you even when I dont

1 million dollar bet [coins?]

245 making yjh think abt him, monster is his fault. 100 coins. you bet 1 mill. banter [genuinely what the fuck am i talking about]

Breaking the sky sword saint chilling with dumplings. feeding her dog

Biyoo's dads are fighting time to fein sleep

Constellation who likes to changed sex is struggling with pleasure

kdj blocked from seeing tgirl swag moments

246 "Don't be so loud baby, the king is watching you" sfhbdfghbd ah?? [a dokkaebi says this to kdj?]

mass production maker sports car hell yeah

oh iris would have been okay. that is a pretty kdj move

mass production makers has an e cig

you hate the constellations but you yourself read stories? curious

247 HMO holding dog food *probably* for breaking the sky master. -> i would *hope* so...

breaking the sky master licking the bowl -> lol yeah

yjh excited to have a new sword aw lol

krygios and breaking the sky sword saint... 9' wife 2" husband

248 "kdj what the hell did you do" an orv story

kdj parlor scene where he just tells ppl off for being dicks.

breaking sky sword saint says fuck your gatekeeping [chitism... what?] capitalist bs. also pro bio diversity (metaphor)

breaking sky master barks from the car -> (raised eyebrows) -> passenger seat. oh. okay

"How many more people had to suffer destruction in order to end this story?" "Her heroic spirit is so high that she sometimes made other peoples definitions of justice shabby"

yjh breaking sky saint vulnerability moments.

(curse of crows @ riv live)

breaking sky master WILL LIVE

GOD SHES SO GOOD AND COOL [saint or master whose to say]

250 "If I threw away murim here, would I be different from the gourmet association" [which i shortened to gour ass... btw]

murim has a will (any world can) and has chosen sword saint as its savior

rest in violence sword saint [shes not dead lol]

there was a transcendent dog.

kdj: yjh is gonna kill me! yjh: emotionally devastated and looking for some support/guidance/solace

"I'm not like you" HMM!!

Kyrgios!! (-> wait... hes from the orochi chapters... mf is a issun-boshi) [really took me that long to snap that into place]

251 who could the punisher be... no its impossible. -> kdj last guy to put the pieces together every time

GAY THERAPY WATCH!

jhy and sky master sleeping and hugging -> cute

HMO mpreg mechanics. good. great -> lights a cig. takes a drag I wanted to kill you, kdj

"I didn't like the orginal kdj-ssi" "thats good to know"

hmo and kdj *should* talk more often. weirdest small talk + deep introspection

Reading a story is probably as hard as giving birth.. so tru...

"no matter what I will only make the ending that I want" 4th wall is wiggling happily -> cute?

asking the dog their opinion. I love that

PROVE YOUR KDJ. PROVE

uriel... (she just wants to see her fic acted out)

253 (trying to deal with the tense/pov used) yeah kdj why are you so keen to be killed

krygios is just a sweet sad guy huh

254 4th wall is showing its teeth -> cool dog kdj

HSY YSA girls trip! -> they hate each other

lee seolhwa hi lee seolhwa!

hsy having a bitter dark chocolate for a bitter dark girlie

lsk! hi hi! "My dokja seems to like unhealthy children"

abt olypmus -> they had so much sex it shorten their life span?

kdj bihyung divorce arc....

(understanding of character kdj increase)

255 looked into the abyss

bihyung is... protective... bihyung is... tsundere?

biyoo.. (sobbing)

256 bihyung the dead beat but bad ass dad? -> maybe not badass

YJH! whats the wenny man saying abt 1000 deaths

41! sys lost her memory so who was the revenge for? yjh didnt know. he just swung his sword.

yjh puts biyoo in his pocket....

'no of these constellations can understand yjh' (demon king of salvation is looking at you) adfhg

257 "I opened the wide and yelled towards the citizens" wide? wide open? wide comms? radio? -> constellation voice..

liberator of the industrial complex

"thanks but i wasn't planing on sacrificing myself" PFFT. okay kdj

"a dog an ambiguous gender human and a man who gave birth"-> bro..

loot boxes again

distorting things as one pleases

satellite officer constellations [aka riding coat tails]

THE DOG WILL LIVE (sorry sys dog i guess :/)

259 moisture filled the dogs eyes -> imagining the wettest gooiest dog eyes

bro is this your dog now?

"reduce your size" kdj you fucking coward

btsm is a girl dog -> sajeo

one day kdj will learn what trans people are... maybe

oh fuck gamers! where we dropping

the dokhyuk industrial complex -> tumblr dot com

you left YJH MESSAGES UNREAD???

hjgbjsd yjh got it like that ?? [he does not.. uriel]

sajeo expression wasnt good -> like. growling?

if you know who they were they wouldnt be a very good secret plotter now would they!

master of the skywalk? -> like... from star wars?

bald general aw lol -> 3 M tall!

guardian of youth and travel...

261 kdj: man i wish YSA was here... me fucking too dude

sajeo laying down like she wasn't interested -> i know exactly what this is referring to. see it in my mind

262 yjh pro gamer

swk has powerful monkey rival beef -> this tracks with jttw

yellow power, blue power? this fucking green lantern shit?

kdj wants to kill manu. protective moments

263 osu little lap dog lol

sajeo WILL LIVE

breaking the sky punch -> saint made this when she was bored...

hey beast king bookmark long time no see

265 oh kdj's mouth back... sure

LHS! SYS! YSA!!! -> kdj: why am i crying...

LHS grenade pin metaphor again

lhs werid gay thing off screen growth

"I'll leave it to you kdj" yjh gets killed djgbsdjkfgb ARGHHH

kdj get toss'd lol. lhs T-T.. uriel lol

1800... smth. oh *that* number....

266 the bear like lhs holding and crying over kdj -> sighing dreamily

267 "It was clearly YJH. No, It was even more than before" uh huh and real quick what did you mean by that...

268 yjh dying and his shared kdj stories crying out...

rotating: look. look theres things to be said about gender. and. morals. narratives and willpower and shit. i think the biggest take away is that I like when their are dog in a story and lhs is the biggest dog of them all... alright then.

[dailyteto]

Rules n About stuff

Feel free to request! Keeps me going! Ex: Modules, Outfits, Seasonal versions, Figures, themes, dressed as/like other characters, in other styles, etc!

Submission are always open! Don't worry about your skill, we're open to anyone here! Nothing too gore-y or suggestive, but minor stuff like blood, bruises, weapons is allowed. It'll be tagged ofc! Ask me to tag anything you need btw

More non rules under the cut lol

Mod Hime

eyyy so i try my best to keep up the days, but sorry if i die every now and then! i try to reblog or use submissions those days!

Also the artsyle used here changes dramatically all the time, its normal!

Other daily accounts feel free to interact

I'm pretty chill when it comes to talking, so if anyone wants to ask anything abt the stuff i do its okay!

Future Plans

500 followers : Raffle (Or smth else if requested!)

October-November(?): Fanmade Snow Teto design contest

December 1st: Snow Teto polls finish. The goal is to have a design in time for the winter season, voting most likely we be in a bracket format.

[lesbianfreyja]

hey do u have any ways u force urself to write. i need to write this fucking faulkner paper and like ik i can and itll be good once i do it i just need to Do It its already like 900 years late. im loving yahfhskjd law so so so so much btw i rlly love ur characterization for den and the whole fic is just so endearing and enjoyable like theres heaviness to it but its not like overbearingly angsty and its just rlly fun to read

i have some advice but it might not be universal or healthy (lol) and it differs heavily based on what i’m writing

fic writing is for fun, and that’s why i try to remember when i’m doing it. sometimes it becomes obsessive (because i have ocd, and because i love validation, and that’s quite the line to tread lmao) but ultimately i do it because i love it/i have shit to say/stories drum in my fingers until i get them out, even if it takes time. i’m glad you love it!!!! if people didn’t i’d get demoralized way more often! with fic writing, usually i can’t force myself to do anything until i know the basics of what i want down - right now i’m stuck on a scene b/t charlie and mac because i know what i want them to get out of it, but i have no idea what the outside context of the overall conversation will be. usually in that case, i just have to wait it out.

inspo will come to me when it comes, maybe from binge watching the show, maybe from watching smth else, maybe from a convo i have irl or a dream or what have you. in the meantime i write as much around it as i possibly can. i’ve currently written every single scene for the next chapter that either came easily or at least didn’t come extremely difficultly, and once i have part of a scene down i usually let the characters’ voices follow me through the rest of it…sometimes you just have to let them run free. writing fic for me is often a solid push and pull of me nudging the characters down the path i want them to take, but mostly i just sit there and imagine them talking, and see what they say. i have to parse apart exactly how i think they’d say it, but i can get a fair amount of their tone and message just from listening to them have the convo in my head. not to be extremely embarrassing on main but when i was obsessed with twilight, stephenie meyer basically said this in her faq and it really resonated with me lmao. this applies to original fiction btw too. that’s why its often easy to finish a scene once i’ve begun it, if i can get a piece of the convo than usually i can build outward - give me a snippet of a convo and i can begin to see their location, what started this convo, and their motivations. i’ll have to trim it down to fit their tone/how often they lie/how difficult they find it to express themselves later, but after i get it all out, it’s easier to cut away the ooc parts until you’re left with glances to convey what used to be a paragraph and what have you

can’t write a sex scene? have a drink or two and write it all spelling errors and all, it’s usually way dirtier than i intended too but you can clean ALL that up and make it in-character in editing

academic writing was never nearly as difficult for me, especially once i got to college. pretty much everyone i know used adderall to write essays, and i sat down a few times expecting to do that myself, but i ultimately never ended up needing it. in high school i was smart enough to more or less make shit up to get through it (i always say the only thing i learned in high school is how to bullshit effectively) but in college you get to pick your research topics, or they’ll hand you a book and tell you to pick whatever part of it you want to write about, so i usually latched on to one snippet of interest and expanded from there (many of my essays were about how the characters were secretly gay or more or less feminist than they should be, as you can imagine)

i was never much for formal outlines, and i DON’T subscribe to the 5 paragraph essay format, but i usually made a basic outline in my notebook so i’d remember to hit all the points i wanted to make/be able to steer myself back on course when i started rambling abt something. usually i have an overarching point, and like 2 supporting arguments that i go into HEAVY detail about and probably have some supporting arguments about them within themselves. make an outline that lists your thesis and your 2 or 3 main points. if you CAN easily, write down some supporting arguments for those main points, but don’t get caught up on it.

how do i start? just sit down and fuckin start. deadass. tell yourself that if you finish before 8pm you can smoke a bowl or something, then smoke a bowl after you’re done regardless of the time. then sit down and just start typing, WHEREVER your mind wants to begin. let it, it’s way easier to follow your motivation than try to corral it, you’ll just end up giving yourself writer’s block

intros are easy. don’t worry too much about starting them; you can come up with a catchy first sentence way later (same with a catchy ending sentence; i still CANNOT write last lines for the life of me). for your intro literally just say: These 2 or 3 things are connected, actually, and I think they connect in a specific way to prove [thesis]. you can bulk out the intro later, but MOVE ON. that’s not the important part of the essay, at all. if your thesis can’t be turned into a question THAT YOU THEN ANSWER, then it needs to be bulked out. you should be able to make it a question, for example: Why is Emily Dickinson a lesbian? becomes “Dickinson’s lesbianism is the driving force behind her decisions to do x, y, and z” in which x y & z are the main points of your essay.

don’t worry too much about sources or quotes. i can’t tell you how many times i just made arguments in essays and then put in brackets [find a throwaway quote about x to support this later], then highlighted the text so it’d stand out and i’d remember to get back to it later. then MOVE ON.

don’t get caught up in anything, not grammar, not specifics, not finding the perfect segue between paragraphs. just try to get down everything you have to say FIRST, or you’ll bog yourself down and lose steam. sit there until you’re done making your points, then take a break

conclusions are easy. scroll back up to your intro. what does it say? put that back down, exactly, and bulk it out a little by referencing some points in the main paragraphs of your essay. if your intro just said “x y and z is true” then your conclusion should say “her woodcarving shows x is true, the fact that the moon was full that day is why y is true. these two things make z true”

go back and find sources/quotes to plug into all the times you wrote [find a throwaday quote]

TAKE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE OFF. if you try to edit and expand immediately, you WILL fail to catch things. if you’re a little unfamiliar with your own writing, you’ll be able to catch things like spelling errors, things that make so little sense you have no idea what you were trying to say, times you forgot to plug in a quote, or when a transition sounds a little like a record scratching instead of playing smoothly

if you’re really pressed for time: just fucking send it in without doing a second reread, because FUCK IT. getting it done is more important than perfectionism; fixing those last straggling spelling errors gets you +2 points whereas being a day late loses a letter grade

most importantly: WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU CARE ABOUT. if you’re only getting specific prompts, try to twist it as best you can until you give a fuck about it, it’s WAY easier to write about shit that matters to you. i LOVED twisting prompts until suddenly this boring ass white boy book is secretly about this minor female character that appeared on 2 pages, and after awhile i got really fucking good at it.

just sit down and start writing. you’ve got to start somewhere, even if you end up erasing and rewriting the starting point later. at least you’ve got the ball rolling.

[diopan]

The Fighter

short berserk boxing au

in the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade and he carries the remainders of every glove that laid him down and cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame “i am leaving, i am leaving” but the fighter still remains

--

Throwing matches shouldn't discourage him.

By the end of it, he received money not bet on him. That was the sole reason he fought. The only reason he was there at all. As it was, later, in the dressing rooms, he’d look around at the other fighters and felt disgust. All the same, money would be in his pockets soon enough. On other people’s pockets, too, and they’d celebrate. Except those who had bet on him. He couldn’t blame them. People could celebrate, they just never celebrated him. Even when he actually won, which wasn’t often. Or more like only because he lost. Because the odds always looked bad for the others, his opponents, and never for him. And so business was good, if you bet against the odds. If you were in the know. But he wasn't a gambler, never been. He didn’t bet on himself. Just lost or won, depending on what was needed of him, right there, right then. Depending on what the old man told him to do; he was a gambler, the old man, always been, but he never bet on Guts, either. Bet only on his failure. Been betting on it ever since the failure of his birth. At least the old man was consistent. Not bad for a gambler.

Throwing matches shouldn’t discourage him yet there he’d been one day, after a match, filled with disgust, staring at the new wave of fighters coming in. Staring at him. Coming in with an army of followers, as if this wasn’t a dirty old backwater town’s poverty riddled boxing ring no one cared for. As if this place was something else entirely. As if he was something else entirely. Someone.

He and Guts were not in the same league, of course. Some other weight. Lower? Lower, of course. But the first thing Guts thought when he first saw him that day was that his face was beautiful. And that it would be a shame if others punched it. Though it sure looked like no one ever did, or it would've been marred, deformed. Like his. Like everyone else’s.

That was the first time, though, his first thought. Later he would get used to seeing that face in the crowd at his matches, as if he knew the schedule, as if his smug grin knew the outcome beforehand, too. Always there, staring. Disappointed? Something like it. Something else too, wholly different.

So he started attending that guy’s matches, too. Just watching him. (Learned his name was Griffith, learned his record was unbeaten, learned Griffith should not have been there. He should not have been there, either. At Griffith’s matches, that is, in the crowd, watching matches he had no vested interest in but unable to look away or leave.)

And of course, Griffith never threw his fights. Always won. Maybe his opponents did, throw their fights, but for a second, Guts thought it wouldn't even be necessary. Nothing to arrange. Nothing to bet against or even for. Griffith won because he won. He deserved it. He stopped himself to grin, standing at the back of the small backwater town’s gym, the sweaty necks, sweaty heads, sweaty hands of other watchers hiding him, hopefully hiding him from view of the one on the ring. That he would have that kind of faith for a beautiful face, he had to laugh at himself. That he would have that kind of faith for anyone. Or faith at all.

He did, though. Every time he stayed behind after throwing his match, every time he shot down some gambler’s uncalled for comments, every time some sweaty, bearded guy reeking of the same alcohol the old man reeked of, thought he could be friendly, thought he could say it was good for business that the pretty face always won and the big guy always lost, he thought how they were not the same. Griffith and him were not on the same weight bracket. Not on the same level.

And so he expected the first time Griffith was there to witness his victory to be different. Something else. Not sure what, but something different. All Griffith said when they found each other in the lockers was « I didn’t expect you to win. »

No one did, really. Except the old man had instructed him last minute, near the lockers, behind that same bench, that it was to be done, because they—both of them he said but included others too—they needed to have this guy lose all his money.

Victory didn’t taste any different from defeat. It was failure all the same. But this time, it was something else. Unexpected. In the dressing rooms (Griffith didn’t have a match that day, he shouldn’t have been there but he was) Guts, sitting on that bench, towel over his head, mouthpiece still in place, for the hell of it, found himself gazing upwards to a beautiful face, expecting to feel disgusting, but feeling something else. Something wholly different. « Let’s fight. »

I could. Make something of myself. Understand.

It would've been easy to say no, to win, to lose, to be sacked and lose every cent he could ever hope to make, lose every single thing the old man had. So easy to follow that man's path and say, yes, that's me too, I’ll win, I’ll lose, no matter the outcome, just for myself. Just that. For the hell of it. But that wasn't him. Winning had never been a priority. (Losing hadn’t either). More like a curse. Staying alive, eating, having a place to live, no, a place to stay, getting on the ring to throw punches, no matter the consequence, at least that made some sense. At least most days, these days. Used to be every day before these days. But these days. These days not a lot of things made much sense anymore.

You can't live off dreams, he still remembered being told. Not people like him, not the old man. You can’t live off dreams, Guts, Gambino said, once or twice, when Guts still thought making pro would mean something, would have any kind of effect, had any sense to it at all. You can’t live off dreams. Others though. Maybe.

Maybe others could live off their dreams and follow them through, with their unmarred faces and flawless record and offering to fight him, from a different weight, and winning, and losing, and betting nothing.

Fighting for the fun of it.

Sitting in the locker after a fight and gazing up at a beautiful face.

Standing in his corner after the gym had closed up for the day. « It’ll just be the two of us. » Gloves on his hands, excitement in his vein, a broad smile on his face.

For the hell of it.

Throwing a punch, catching one, never aiming for the face—not wanting to—but taking cuts to his jaw, putting up his arms, putting them down, being held against the ropes.

Against the ropes.

His muscles aching and tired from exertion and his smile still in place.

« Are you having fun? » The words muffled by the mouthpiece, but distinctly clear. And yes echoing through every one of his bones and muscles. Yes. I’m having fun.

Blocking blows with his forearms, with the gloves close to his face, his feet wide apart, mesmerized by the graceful fluid movements of his opponent, his footwork, his hair tied up and some locks coming loose to frame his face. To frame his smile.

« I’m having fun too. »

And not winning. Not losing. Just finishing the match out of exhaustion, continuing it afterwards at a ramen place, nursing their bruises with the warm broth and the cool air of a winter night on their backs as they make their way through town, nowhere special, nowhere in particular. A match of equals that draws longer and longer through the night and is punctuated by words shared with little caution, thrown like blows on the ring, that leads them to the door of Griffith’s apartment where he lets his hair down and Guts finds his hand—red bloodied knuckles—twirling around one of the locks.

Griffith wins, though.

When he takes Guts’ hand in his and kisses the wounded knuckles softly, gently. Knock out.

That fight is, like everything with Griffith, something else. Something like a reason. Like a place to live.

-------

tumblr is dead but sometimes i find myself missin the berserk fandom (which means the five ppl i used to regularly talk to abt berserk which means i still talk to most of them just not abt berserk) like u miss that summer u’ll never get back or ur backpackin trip thru southamerica when u saw the sun rise in macchu picchu or that winter u spent lookin for four leaf clovers in ur backyard & it didn’t snow even once cos now uve grown & u dont hve time for all that and so here’s this

ps does anyone still use that tag btw

[bwicblog]

AA: fun facts!

AA: no one can drnive and vans do N Ö T float if they fall off the brnidge. AA: like, at A L L. the curntains did tho. >:}

ID: ahahah what.

AA: what, you soak so much yrn eyes fell out??

LC: [ Are YYou still high from last night, AA. ]

LC: [ I hope that's not the case, but I'd rather ask. ]

AA: none of you have any fucking idea of how mind honey wornks and it's, like, sornt of endearning! like talking to a bunch of six sweep olds. AA: six sweep olds w v borning lusii and no telly, bc they'rne locked in theirn hives all night. >:}

AA: dd on wtf yrn whatting, hads.

LC: [ I never indulged mYYself in trYYing it and nor do I have anYY plans of trYYing it in the future, so feel free to enlighten me. ]

ID: sorry for not trying something that would either freak my psi out of do nothing. =:P

AA: dnw, dnw, I formgive you forn being hells lame.

LC: [ Well I'd rather saYY it's not up in mYY alleYY of interests. ]

AA: lmao. AA: say it eight morne times, mb it'll stick. >:}

ID: also what is whatting sip send deets if you want me deets.

ID: unless you're asking why i'm whatting over floating vans and shit.

ID: because that should y'know. explain itself.

AA: let me diagrnam this forn you.

AA: me, innocently drniving, with Lal shrnieking in my flaps. AA: van: bad at changing lanes, orn, like, evernything evern. AA: rnivern, rnight the fuck therne.

AA: rnivern / (brnidge)-(van-rnoad) = rnivern/van.

AA: which does not float.

AA: that help??

ID: woowwww. uh. sorry?

AA: haha, what. no. omg, it's supposed to be funny, dude.

AA: like, it ain't M Y van.

ID: oh. well as long as it isn't yours. =:P

AA: y, exactly. >:}

LC: [ Well that sounds quite eventful. ]

LC: [ So are YYou alright? I hope YYou didn't lose anYY limbs.* ]

AA: just forn rnef, btw, lal scrneams like a pupa.

ID: i am not surprised by this news.

AA: y, y, jfc. wasn't even nearn me. AA: ow we'd totes be telling a diff storny abt someone getting drnagged out of the rnivern and fed theirn rnotating wheel device.

ID: get that half-drowned squeakbeast something to eat and he'll be fiiine.

LC: [ Well... Who is Lal, if I maYY ask. ] LC: [ Are theYY the jadeblood who talks in brackets? The rounded brackets, that is. ]

AA: he's the one w the least stupid quirnk. >:} l

LC: [ I am positive mYY quirk is quite understandable. ] LC: [ Compared to some others I have seen around here. ]

AA: and why I gotta feed him?? AA: if I keep feeding him, he's totes gonna E X P E C T it. and then I'll have two dunpsterns to thrnow fish at. >:{

AA: y, but it's still stupid. soz, do not make the rnules, I only, like, tell 'em.

ID: i mean fiiine don't feed him. if it means i don't get fed.

LC: [ ... Can I raise mYY virtual hand in giving aid to YYou guYYs? ] LC: [ I usuallYY have spare meat that I just tend to put awaYY into storage and I usuallYY trYY to help out others where I can so... ]

AA: hahaha. AA: n. AA: just bought a bag of frnied flowerns, srny2say, ourn rnoadsnack fest is S E T.

ID: i'm busy putting my tent up but hey thanks for the offer.

ID: riding my lusus around this fair is like. totes a thing i can do and look normal.

AA: but did you unbrnaid yrn hairn and put those glitternwings on firnst??

AA: bc I am like, 99% surne that's how you rnly fit in.

LC: [ Ah, gotcha. I am still keeping an eYYe out on this... phenomenon. ProbablYY will for the entire week... ]

ID: ...i mean i could make wings.

ID: but my hair unbraided is just asking it to get all tangled and shit.

AA: no fairn forn you, bluedude?

AA: and then brnush it firnst, duh. AA: orn pourn oil in it. AA: just, like, the entirne bottle.

ID: fuck that. my hair is a hassle down. it's like. ass-length.

LC: [ I am not reallYY fond of big crowds - and those are part of faires. ] LC: [ I prefer more quiet events when it comes to it - and well, given the current on-goings YYou won't reallYY get anYY of that, unless YYou are going for a hive visit. ] LC: [ And mYY neighbourhood has been buzzing even more since this asteroid came to our vision, on top of all of this. ]

SA: Round brackets. did you mean parenthenses, LC.

ID: heyyy prisma. you on your way to the faire?

SA: I am waiting at the station now.

ID: sweeetttt.

AA: omg, yessss.

ID: i need to figure out where pheres is. he better be thankful, i drummed up business for him.

AA: arne you hanging w us, prnisma?? orn did I, like, not buy enough pizza 2 rnaise yrn hrnt lvls?

SA: my... what levels?

SA: am I a dating sim character.

AA: lmfao, he's same place as always. lame ass rnust cirncle.

ID: please sip, he only eats sushi and fancy thin- ahahaha

ID: prisma confirmed for playing sims.

AA: omg, you got the rnef, but not lowbie slang!!

SA: I will come see you all. But right now I am looking forward to lying in my hotel room.

AA: y, you arne. >:}

SA: I play games.

ID: you don't play games in the sims pris, you play god.

SA: Are you talking about convincing WC to visit?

ID: yes! and you.

ID: sip on a scale of 1 to 10 how much of a chance is it that pheres is gonna put me in a stripper outfit.

AA: uhhh.

ID: because apparently that sight will offend pris' sensitivie ganderbulbs.

AA: gimme a pic of you again.

invertedDissident has sent imafairyprincewithabraid.png!

SA: I would rather not see the torso and bare chest of someone i've only known for 24 hours.

LC: [ Oh, uhm, YYes Prisma, YYes. ] LC: [ I assume most of YYou are going to attend the faire? ]

AA: lmfao, totes 8, soz. AA: even w the long hairn. AA: but dnw, I'll give you my coat, dude. >:} save prni's delicate bulbs.

ID: live a little prisma. =:P you're probs gonna see a lot of chests at this place, no shirts is historic.

ID: well fuck, sorry pris. i'm a stripper now.

AA: yrn only a strnippern if yrn taking it off, dude m

AA: dude.*

ID: i have a lil more class than that.

ID: also sip do you really expect me to wear your coat.

ID: that won't fit for shit.

AA: good!! I'm p surne that doesn't match the shop aesthetic. >:}

SA: yes, LC. does that frighten you?

AA: omfg. AA: how do you know until you trny?? I'm like. at least half as wide as you, dude, you ain't exactly swole.

ID: pris ofered me his coat, how tall are you pris.

ID: like half my fronds will be uncovered.

SA: 5'9.

AA: >:{

SA: More in heels.

ID: see pris is closer. i can wear his coat better.

AA: see, he's still shorntern.

SA: I will avert my eyes accordingly at this "historic dress"

ID: by a lot less!

ID: sorry we aren't all daytables sip. =:P

AA: omfg. my coat is bettern, but, like, 'kay, whatevern.

AA: srny we arnen't all S T Ö RN K S. >:}

ID: besides i guess the stripper costume will be nice. it's fucking hot with that fucking fireball in the sky.

SA: storks?

SA: My coat is rather nice despite the heat.

ID: because we're tall.

AA: big birnds! wait, n, let me keep this in theme.

ID: i run hot pris, it's a thing i have to worry about more.

AA: hat holding devicesn

AA: !

SA: ...?

SA: make sure you have water.

ID: i do, don't worry! but yeah i get fucking heat exhaustion or whatever it's called easy.

AA: huh. that a psi thing, too?

ID: since like. too much heat fries your pan and shit.

SA: No, that is a biological trait.

ID: yeah. don't worry, i know i'm a fucking mess.

ID: no pris, i run. hot.

SA: But don't all low bloods?

AA: lmao, prniiiii.

AA: not flatscans. ain't you evern hearnd of burn out?

ID: you'll see pris. i make other rusts seem nippy.

AA: it's sornta fucking liternal. >:}

SA: 😫

SA: I need coffee.

ID: get some then you nerd. unless you can't.

SA: I'm boarding, I'll have to wait for the steward.

SA: Are you not very warm, Sipara?

WA: |>|>| What's the haps dudes!! And gals!! |<|<| WA: |>|>| Í heard there was some faíre and that the world was ending? :D |<|<|

SA: superstition.

ID: there's a fair and definitely a meteor that wants to murder us all.

WA: |>|>| Of course ít ís!! Others just looove freakín out about ít!! |<|<|

SA: You are awfully excited for so early.

ID: some trolls are evening trolls. the fucking monsters.

WA: |>|>| Well thís líght ís rad but could tone down the party a líl |<|<| WA: |>|>| Well that's how Í roll |<|<| WA: |>|>| And you are happy íf you see me excíted ís all Í can say ;D |<|<|

SA: I am not happy seeing you excited. But I am happy you are excited.

SA: ?

AA: eeeh, I'm rnusty wnarm. like, not 'melt a goddamn carnbonatorn' psi warnm. you evern thought abt, like, installing a coolant, hads? AA: .. wait shit arnen't you sparnky too?

SA: it's disgusting.

ID: i ain't installing shit. i'm perfect the way i am. =:P

SA: I see, AA.

WA: |>|>| Haha, ísn't that what everyone loves to call "contradíctory"? |<|<| WA: |>|>| But works! |<|<|

ID: pris is totes sparky.

SA: I am not electrokinetic.

ID: sparkplug is slang for having psi pris.

SA: It isn't contradictory at all.

SA: that's awful.

SA: I dont like being compared to an engine piece.

ID: well that's how a lot of trolls see us. so.

ID: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

SA: I am not anymore and i will take issue with anyone who thinks so.

SA: i'm too tired to be this salty.

ID: just don't get huffy when other lowbloods use it. we use it as a. 'hahahah we're all clearly engine pieces to the highbloods aren't we.'

ID: highbloods use it as. 'yeah you're totes going in my ship and there's nothing you can do about it'.

SA: 😦

SA: alright.

SA sends TheMostTiredPsioninTheWorld.png

ID: D:= you okay there bud?

AA: haha, yeah, don't sweat it, brno. I wasn't trnying to yank yrn chain, shit's just the way ppl talk. unless they'rne, like, above yellow, then dd and I'll brneak theirn fangs forn you. >:}

AA: jfc.

ID: also yeah, if they're too cold for psi they're too cold to clal us sparkplugs.

AA: go get some coffee.

LC: [ Well it's good that YYou don't need to deal with that anYYmore Prisma. ] LC: [ ... Can't saYY much other than I hope most others won't just get reduced to such levels. ]

SA: I will keep this in mind, Sipara, Hadean. Don't worry about cracking them. I will do.

SA: I'm alright. I ordered a cappuccino.

ID: well hopefully that helps. lc you got a name?

AA: put sugarn in!! it'll totes help.

AA: ain't lc yern?? orn was that anothern blue. >:?

SA: LC, the reality is more upsetting thinking i am not there and yet i still am.

LC: [ YYes Hadean, it's still YYerman. ]

SA: but i will protect other psions if I can.

SA: yern.

ID: riight i meant wa. sorry, steering a lusus and typing!

LC: [ I guess that works, since... Sipara? Gave me that nickname. ]

AA: lmao, texting and drniving?

AA: shame on fucking you. don'tcha know that shit's illegal? >:}

ID: that's me! my lusus won't just dumbly drive in to a pole or anything stfu. =:P

SA: Is your lusus a draft animal?

ID: uh he's a horned hoofbeast. not really draft but. he looks cool.

ID: one sec i'll take a pic.

invertedDissident has sent mylususiscool.png!

SA: a gemsbok.

SA: we had them near my home city.

AA: .. you should make him a crnown to match yrn fakey fake wings. >:}

ID: don't tell me you ate them pris.

WA: |>|>| So who else ís goíng to thís faír? |<|<| WA: |>|>| Heard ít wíll be more fun and that there wíll be fíghtíng? Í am totally down for that ;D |<|<|

SA: No. They simply roamed.

SA: I am. Are you going to fight Hadean too?

ID: totes fighting! i'm fighting.

SA: I will fight anyone. but it won't be in a ring.

ID: you don't win money outside of the ring pris.

WA: |>|>| Í totally could! Ít's a good practíce ;D |<|<|

SA: oh i don't need the money. I just eant to kick their ass

SA: I'm joking.

WA: |>|>| Haha luckíly Í am good! But Í tend to go to the ríngs when needed |<|<|

AA: omg, prni.

AA: fight me!!

AA: it'll be wicked fun.

SA: Okay.

WA: |>|>| Fíght círcle?? |<|<|

AA: omg omg yesss. AA: only if you pay, WA.

WA: |>|>| Pay for fíghtíng ya? |<|<| WA: |>|>| Maybe Í wíll! >:) |<|<| WA: |>|>| But you guys keep talkíng about fíghtíng and hypíng me up! |<|<|

LC: [ All this talk about fighting. ] LC: [ Just don't break eachother's limbs if YYou are not planning to fight for YYour life. ] LC: [ Which doesn't seem to be the case. ]

SA: 😃 no promises.

LC: [ Well I have nothing else to saYY in that case. ] WA: |>|>| Dude you are not our lusus!! |<|<| WA: |>|>| We can handle ourselves ;D |<|<| LC: [ YYeah well, caution is never a bad thing. ]

ID: sorry i got distracted looking at things.

SA: I was napping.

ID: well nap if you need it dude.

AA: did you get coffee??

SA: Yes, I got cappuccino

AA: >:?

SA: why >:?

AA: idk what that is, dude. is that, like, rneal orn fake coffee?

SA: It's sort of like sweet coffee.

SA: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4f/Cappuccino_at_Lund.jpg

AA: !!! AA: wtf, that's qt.

SA: It's also hazelnutflavored.

AA: that looks way bettern than phern's shit, negl.

ID: does it taste nice? =:?

SA: What do they drink?

SA: Yes, it does. It's very nice, considering it has been raining nonstop in Provenance for a few days.

SA: It's sweet and sort of nutty, but also sharp.

SA: i wish i had a pillow.

SA: How far are you all from Cascara?

WA: |>|>| Ha! Around another níght's travel! |<|<| WA: |>|>| Then Í wíll be present >:) |<|<|

ID: i'm in cascara. eyeing up all these stalls.

AA: like. uhhh.

AA: fourn hourns, p much.

AA: also damn, that doesn't sound bad. and IDK. he just, like, stews beans.

AA: and is like. B'L U H B'L U H, crneam ruins the flavourn. >:}

SA: what a bitter person.