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#that is a thing i am and im beginning to be okay with that
hoshifighting · 7 hours
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I was reading your leaving after a fight reaction and o got an idea could you please do one where reader leaves and goes to a bar and gets drunk they get a call from the bar and it’s just fluff
seventeen reacting to you getting drunk after a fight WARNINGS: mentions of alcohol and arguments, & fluff too.
seungcheol grabs his keys, his mind racing. he can’t let you drown in this. when he arrives at the bar, he spots you immediately. you’re laughing with a group, a glass in hand. “hey!” he snaps, but the bark in his tone quickly fades as you turn to him “what the hell are you doing? this isn’t fun. you need to come home.” he tries to keep his voice steady, but the concern leaks through. “why? so we can fight more?” you roll your eyes, but u look vulnerable still. “you think you’re perfect? you’re not!” “i never said that. im just taking care of you” he bites. your eyes soften, and relief washes over him as you touch his arm, guiding him toward the door.
jeonghan's phone buzzes, cutting through his thoughts. it’s the bar, and his stomach drops. “on my way,” he snaps, not bothering to hide the urgency in his voice. when he arrives you turn, a grin spreading across your face that makes his heart ache. “jeonghan! come join the party!” “this isn’t a party! you need to come home y/n.” he reaches for the glass in your hand, gently prying it away. “let’s go home and talk this out. please babygirl” you hesitate, the fire in your eyes dimming as you look at him, the fight leaving your body.
joshua dont hop into the car, he throws himself in!!! he asks the bar number if you're doing okay as he drives. “there you are,” he says, pushing through the crowd. you know joshua cares too much. he’s sweet like that, always wanting to shield you from everything, even yourself. you look down at the bar top, the wood grain swirling under your fingertips. “i just... needed a break.” “from me?” he asks, sadly. you bite your lip. joshua’s expression softens, and he reaches out, brushing his thumb over your knuckles. “can we just talk about it? please?” u glance up, meeting his gaze, and it feels like home. “fine. but only if u promise to stop being so fucking cute when we fight.” he chuckles, relief flooding his features. “no promises, babe.”
junhui “where are you?” he texts after the call, worry oozing through the words. “out,” you reply tersely, taking another drink. “the bar? seriously?” “what if i am?” you shoot back, but inside, you know you’re pushing him away. “stay there. i’ll be there soon.” “don’t bother,” you type, but your heart sinks at the thought of him not showing up. a short while later, the door swings open, and there he is—his hair a little messy, eyes scanning the room until they land on you. he strides over, concern etched into his features. “what are you doing?” he asks, taking the seat next to you. “just enjoying my night,” you reply, a little too defensively. he raises an eyebrow, clearly not buying it. “by drinking alone?” “i’m not alone; i have my drink,” you mutter, taking a long sip as if it could drown your frustration. he leans closer, his voice dropping to a gentle tone. “you know that’s not what i meant. you’re not okay. let me take care of you baby? hm?” you nod, feeling the walls you built starting to crumble. “fine, but if you keep looking at me like that, i might just forgive you too easily.”
hoshi wrinkled his nose the moment he smelled the strong drink you were drinking, he was clearly sweating like he was running a marathon to get to where you were. “you’re mad at me, but this isn’t how we solve things... you know you can tell me anything, right? even if it’s hard?” you take a deep breath, feeling the tension in your chest begin to ease. “i just hate fighting with you. it feels like we’re always stuck in this cycle.” “i hate it too,” he admits, reaching for your hand. “but running away doesn’t fix it. let’s talk.” “talk? like, actually talk?” you tease, a small smile creeping onto your face. “yeah, that thing where we don’t just yell at each other,” he says, grinning back. “i’m pretty good at it.” you can’t help but laugh, the sound lightening the mood.
wonwoo slides the helmet, and hops on his motorcycle, a few moments later, the door swings open, and there he is—hands in his pockets, that serious yet soft expression making your heart ache. he spots you and makes his way over, concern etched in his features. “you’re really here,” he says, his voice low. “didn’t think you’d come,” you reply, trying to sound indifferent, but you're soft. “and leave you alone like this? not a chance.” he sits beside you, his presence instantly calming. you glance at him, catching the way his brows furrow slightly. he squeezes your hand and kisses your neck softly “let's go home, hm? i'll give u a nice warm bath and we'll talk before going to bed, is that okay, sweetie?”
woozi strides over the bar, hair messy, body stiff, eyes worried, after the call, and you can see the scolding ready to spill from his lips. “i can’t believe you left without telling me. i was worried sick. you really just left? you could’ve told me!” “ listen jihoon, i didn’t want to fight anymore. it was too much.” he flinches, he didn't mean to snap at you, but he was really worried. “i get it,” he replies quietly, his voice gentler now. “but you know you can tell me when it gets too heavy, right?” you take a deep breath, the tension in your shoulders easing just a little. “what do u say we talk about it over ice cream? my treat,” he suggests, a playful grin breaking through. “ice cream sounds perfect,” you reply, matching his smile. “you always know how to fix things.” “it’s a talent,” he jokes, and you can’t help but laugh, the heaviness of earlier fading into something sweet.
minghao asks the bartended to pass the phone to you, “i’m coming to get you,” minghao’s voice is steady, cutting through your haze. “you shouldn’t be there.” “i’m fine,” you snap, but even you can hear the slight slur in your words. he knows you better than that. “you’re not,” he replies. when minghao finally walks in, the door swings open, and the bell jingles, like a damn superhero coming to save the day. “hey,” he says softly, the frown on his face deepening as he takes in your state. “you look… rough.” “yeah, well, thanks for the observation,” you retort, but there’s no real bite in your words. he steps closer, the scent of him wrapping around you like a familiar hug. “i didn’t ask you to come.” “no, but you need me,” he counters, taking your hand, grounding you. his touch makes your cheeks flush, and you can’t help but lean into him, feeling the fight inside you melt away. “let’s talk, okay? i love you and I hate fighting with you.” you melt, and minghao smiles small.
mingyu in quesiton of minutes was there, tall and worried searching for you on the bar, the call made him stumble on his feet on his way there. “you really shouldn’t be here,” you murmur, but your heart races as he approaches, the worry etched on his face only making you want to lean into him. “and you shouldn’t be here alone. we both know you’ll feel worse if you stay out like this. just let me take care of you.” the softness in his tone makes your heart twist. “you don’t have to play the hero.” “but i want to,” he insists, reaching out to intertwine your fingers with his. the warmth of his grip pulls you back from the edge of your frustration, reminding you of everything you love about him. “please?” you take a deep breath, the tension in your shoulders easing as you look into his eyes. “fine. let’s go home.” “thank you,” he whispers, pulling you into a hug that feels like coming home, before arriving in.
seokmin not even five minutes later appears on the bar, seokmin steps inside, scanning the crowd until his eyes land on you. relief floods his expression, and he rushes over, pulling you into his arms before you can say a word. “what the hell, you scared me,” he murmurs, hugging your back tightly. his warmth seeps into you, and you can’t help but melt a little. “you’re drunk.” his concern wraps around you like a blanket, and suddenly, the anger feels distant. “let’s get you out of here,” he whispers, still holding you close. “i don’t want you to feel like this.” “it’s just… everything’s a mess,” you admit, your voice cracking a bit. “we were fighting and—” “i know,” he interrupts softly, pulling back just enough to look you in the eyes. “but we can talk about it later. right now, i just want to make sure you’re okay.” the sincerity in his gaze makes you want to cry, and you nod slowly. “okay.” he smiles gently, brushing a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “let’s go home, yeah?”
seungkwan the minutes tick by slowly, and every time the door swings open, your heart skips a beat. finally, you spot him striding in, “it’s… it’s not safe for you to be out like this,” he says. you pout. “i can take care of myself.” “you’re making this harder than it has to be,” he grumbles. as you slide off the bar stool, he’s already there, an arm around your waist, guiding you out. you laugh, the sound a bit shaky. “u should try being less of a pain in the ass, kwanniee” you tease, but it’s soft, a flicker of something sweet cutting through the tension. he smirks, finally breaking into a grin. “noted. now, let’s get you home before you say something else you’ll regret.”
vernon would keep his emotions bottled up, when he's almost purple in worry, would run to the bar fast, breathing properly only when he finally sees you. “i don’t need you to babysit me,” you sulk when you feel him taking you from the bar stool, “just… please? for once, let me be the responsible one,” he replies squeezing your waist. “oh, shut up,” you say, rolling your eyes but unable to hide the smile creeping onto your face. “i was just having a good time.” “more like trying to forget about our fight,” he counters, crossing his arms, but there’s a playful glint in his eyes. “let’s get you home before you embarrass yourself further.”
chan before the bartender ended the call, was already on the way. the moment he reaches you, he slips an arm around your shoulder, guiding you away from the noise. “you okay?” he asks, searching your face with those steady eyes. you can see the maturity in his expression, the way he balances concern in his heart with the logic, “i will be,” you say, though you know it’s not entirely trrue. his presence calms the storm brewing inside you, and u lean into him. “you’re allowed to feel things,” he expresses, squeezing your shoulder reassuringly. “but next time, can we talk instead of shouting? i’d rather understand what you’re going through.” you nod, the way he watches over you even after an imense fight. “yeah, that sounds good babe...” he smiles with the full of love name.
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shokosmokes · 3 days
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﹒◌﹒hockey au﹒✧﹒
part 4!
im glad u guys are enjoying this as much as i am (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) .ᐟ.ᐟ
this chapter is a short one lining up the next chapter - this one’s bit more angsty
m.list
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yuji x reader x megumi
tags:
a bit of angst, fluff, love triangle
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The crowd is roaring, but all you can hear is the steady thump of your heart against your ribs. You haven’t seen them together since that last match. The memory still clings to you, the way the air felt so thick between all three of you. Now, standing in the packed stadium, nerves bundled tightly in your stomach, you try to focus on the game.
The whistle blows, and the match begins. Yuji is all energy, his athleticism on full display as he darts across the ice. Megumi, more composed but no less skilled, skates with calculated precision. You can’t help but follow both of them, your eyes torn between their movements. It’s thrilling, but in the back of your mind, all you can think about is what will happen afterward.
When the final buzzer sounds, signaling their win, the crowd erupts. Your nerves spike again. You should be excited, but all you feel is the tension building in your chest. You make your way down toward the locker room, telling yourself to stay cool. No need to make things more awkward than they already are.
As soon as you see them—Yuji’s bright smile as he spots you, Megumi’s gaze flicking between the two of you—you know something has shifted. The three of you stand there, and despite their victory, there’s an odd weight hanging between you.
"Congrats!" you manage, your voice a little too chipper as you force a smile. “You guys were amazing out there.”
Yuji grins wider, his energy contagious. “Thanks! Did you see that shot I made? I’ve been practicing that for days.” He’s glowing with excitement, the happiness radiating off of him.
You laugh, the tension easing as you fall into your usual banter. “Oh, that shot? You mean the one you almost missed if Megumi hadn’t bailed you out?”
Yuji gasps in mock offense, slapping a hand to his chest. “Okay, rude! I had it perfectly under control!”
"Sure you did," you tease, feeling the familiar ease settle in. It feels good to talk to Yuji like this, his goofy charm always so easy to fall into.
But as the conversation flows naturally between you and Yuji, you catch glimpses of Megumi from the corner of your eye. He’s watching you both, his expression quiet, almost distant. And with every passing moment, he seems to grow more withdrawn, his usual calm presence replaced by something more guarded. It’s not like him to fade into the background like this.
Yuji, as oblivious as ever, doesn’t seem to notice. “Hey, we should all hang out this weekend. Celebrate the win, you know?”
"Yeah, maybe," you say, your voice trailing off as you glance back at Megumi. He hasn’t said a word since the conversation started, his gaze now lowered to the ground, avoiding yours.
“I gotta head out,” Megumi mutters, his voice low as he shoves his hands into his pockets. “I’ll catch you guys later.” Before you can say anything, he turns and walks off, leaving you standing there with Yuji.
You blink, confused. “Did I… did I say something?”
Yuji just shrugs, though a frown tugs at his lips. “That’s just Megumi being Megumi. Don’t sweat it.”
But it doesn’t feel right. As you watch him leave, that gnawing feeling returns, settling heavily in your chest. Something is off, and you can’t shake the sense that whatever it is, it isn’t going away.
---
In the days that follow, Megumi grows even more distant. It’s not just in passing conversation—it’s like he’s actively avoiding you. No more random texts, no more inside jokes, nothing. Every time you try to talk to him, he finds a way to brush you off or disappear altogether.
The hollow ache that started small in your chest grows each time he pulls away, until it feels like all you can think about is the space between you. The moments where he would usually be are filled with silence now, and you can’t stop wondering why.
It hurts. More than you want to admit.
Then, one evening, your phone buzzes. You grab it off your bed, half-expecting it to be Megumi, hoping it will be, but it’s not. It’s Yuji.
*Hey! You wanna hang out? Been too long.*
You stare at the message, your thumb hovering over the keyboard. For a second, you consider saying no, making some excuse about being too busy. But then you think about Megumi, about how much the distance between you is eating at you, and decide that maybe you need a distraction. Something to get your mind off of it.
*Sure, when and where?* you reply.
Maybe spending time with Yuji will help. Maybe it will make the ache in your chest a little less unbearable.
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already in the midst of writing the next part so expect an update fairly soon hehe
thanks 4 the read !!
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steampunkedparm · 2 years
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me and my grandma were at a cafe a few months ago or something and at one point had gotten onto the topic of identity within the queer space and their respective nuancs and cus of how many lables i use i often use my own identity as examples and at one point i revealed im not opposed to polyam relationships and she asked me how i knew that and??
how the fuck DO i know that??
#all other parts of my identity i feel i had to label i know full why that label is there#but i dont know why polyamory is here#i struggled with that part of me like i did any other part as you do as a kid who has only ever known queerness as being a 'bad' thing#(my family werent the ones to do the bashing. but i wonder sometimes if they ever brought positive queerness into my life before i became#so obnoxious about my identity)#regardless. i came to a conclusion with most of it#being regarded as a woman feels bad. but so does the idea and practice of a guy. oh! im nonbinary!#I've never felt any romantice attraction to any dude ive met. the idea of being with a guy like that feels wrong. oh!! im a lesbian!!#and so on and so forth#but like. never had that with polyamory#it just was like. oh. i am that.#that is a thing i am and im beginning to be okay with that#i would've prolly been more open about it if my freshman year health teacher didn't openly bash on polyam :)#fuck that guy. he wouldn't ever shut up about his wife eitjer so like#like! good for you but you just hurt not only me but my friends and a whole fucking community#sidetracked oops#im content in the knowledge of my identity#and i dont think id actively seek out more than one partner#even if i wasn't with my current partner i dont think i would#if it's just me and it id be very okay with that :)#polyam or not i love them a lot and im glad its them and im glad they're okay with it#im also glad its easy to communicate with them about it too#im at the point where i dont think im malign sense#like. if i have a crush on another person and we vibe well and i communicate well about it with my partner and it goes somewhere sure okay#r8gby THATS literally how it works what are you saying
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obsob · 1 year
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drawings ive done this week for a competition!! probably the most ambitious thing ive drawn in my new style but im very happy with them! :3
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soundwavemain · 2 years
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What do I even caption this? Sorry rottmnt fans :[
Gotta thank @funneylizzie for forcing Casey Jr. to the forefront of my brain for weeks on end.
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Me looking through all the reblogs/comments from people genuinely concerned about my wellbeing:
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What about voldedad? Where does he fall in the trio-verse???????
Oy vey. There can never be too many HCs I suppose, so here I am again going overboard:
From the moment they find out about her pregnancy Lord Voldemort despises it. Bellatrix seems so certain, so eager.. He’s unable to understand why. A baby right now? When he is so close to finally claiming his reign? He bars her from combat in the hopes that her bloodlust will outweigh this silly sentiment. It does not. He never wanted an heir, never needed one - he is very vocal about this. Yet, he allows her this child because, in the end, what choice does he have? 
The Dark Lord is very much intentionally avoiding Bellatrix when there is an attack on one of the safe houses. He is incensed, unsure how The Order was able to locate another so quickly- these vigilanties would have to be dealt with. His rage turns cold once he is informed that Bella was there. Lord Voldemort apparates without a second thought, following the feel of her magic. He orders everyone out of the room and soon she is pulled tight against him, his hands hard in her hair before drifting lower. Finally, he’s forced to acknowledge that he was worried about them both.
It’s going to be a girl. He really shouldn’t be surprised, Bellatrix has been claiming as much since the early weeks of her pregnancy - apparently she dreams about her. He’s oddly relieved, suddenly paying a bit more attention to Bella’s musings about long dark curls and deep amber eyes. “Does she tell you her name?” He asks her - it’s the first times he’s ever directly referred to their baby out loud. She smiles. 
‘Delphini’ he hisses at the growing swell of Bella’s stomach in parseltongue, too curious not to. Bella’s hand lingers at the nape of his neck watching him intently. He hisses again and at once all the dim candles lining their rooms alight. It is so sudden that both of them turn to one another refusing to believe that she did that.
The birth is much harder than the pregnancy. Bellatrix is screaming for hours and for once he feels powerless. He wants to rage at her, threaten her, order her to survive this. She pulls through, of course, Bella is not Merope. He does not enjoy babies, they remind him far too much of the Orphanage. However, he does feel oddly privileged when Delphini’s cries die in her throat the minute she is placed in his arms.
Father is not a concept he is well acquainted with but ‘dada’ and ‘papa’ he is slowly getting used to. 
Her magic is very much intentional. Bella tells him this is not normal, that most children have no control over their magic in the first few years of life. Delphini is not most children. She is His - a Gaunt and a Black - the blood of Salazar and of the stars flow through her veins. He has no doubt she’ll be exceptional and a part of him is almost proud. 
He doesn’t entirely hate it - when the little witch sleeps between them at night. Her hands are so small still that she holds just one of his fingers in her mighty grip. He allows her this.
The Ministry orders a search of Lestrange Estates. They were not warned, and only get word partway through the strategy meeting. He and Bellatrix are off in an instant, no words needed between them. They burst into the nursery and he sees her propped up in some strange wizard's hold. Rage rips through him so viciously he doesn’t even think. The wizard’s body hits the floor and Bellatrix is already sweeping their little girl back into safe arms. The other two witches also sent by the Auror Department are imperiused, ushered back to the atrium to report their minimal findings. The dead wizard will be a problem, one that he’ll drop off the ramparts of White Tower later. ‘We need to be more careful.' He thinks, in Bellatrix's arms the little witch is shaking. 
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i should not be allowed to read this author at emotional times. like. late at night. relocated from sleeping on the sofa (again lmao) at like 2am and was awake and i had mentioned that i really loved the play that one author had written (yes, the one filling me with admiration and envy so bad that let's not get into that) to my teacher and she also really likes that author and loaned me two books of his. so i decided, hey, i'm gonna read a bit, either i get tired and fall asleep (good) or i finish the book (also good) except now i'm hit once again by this stupid emotion mocktail i wanna write like that so so so bad but i'll never be able to write this or something like it because he already did that, that's the point, so now i'm tired but still not sleeping because ough and also i should really analyse the story maybe
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themyscirah · 6 months
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Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute
#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys#i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will-#like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!!#i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my#head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!!#also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it#may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc)#anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it#dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify.#i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt#equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there#like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he#doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be#like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in#ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things)#like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get#herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you#like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his#actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior#idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there.#like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be#i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other.#which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around#blah#sui sq
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gaystardykeco · 1 year
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parents love to say "idk how u turned out so anxious and insecure" and then tell u everything u wear and every decision u make is Wrong and Bad
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nomaishuttle · 1 year
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sometimes u put yr playlist on shuffle a song comes up and you have to put another song in the queue immediately as soon as it comes on bc it makes you think of that song
#this is abt aura by ghost and pals Sry everytime i hear it im like a fiddle This is just like devil went down to georgia and then i have to#put devil went down to georgia in the queue#i think its a fiddle innit.. it sounds like a fiddle but im also NOTORIOUSLY bad at telling instruments apart. <- guy who once couldnt tell#if something was a guitar or a piano i actually rly rly rly rly dont wanna get into it okay.#i guess you didnt know it but i am a fiddle player too 😏😏#sry. the other thing this post is abt is kiss me and ladies in their sensibilities sweeney. obviously those r connected#but if ladies in their sensibilities comes on by itself i quite literally couldnt be assed so everytime i have to put kiss me on instead an#add lits to the queue. bc them together is like the best song i ever heard its just that the beginning of lits is just kind of boring It#does get stuck i my head sometimes but the supreme part is the end thats Basically just a reprise of kiss me#but also theyre kind of the same song anyways at least o wowww i was just typing in tempo with the fiddle that was awesome. at least on the#2012 soundtrack aka the best one talk to the hand or dont i dont wanna hear it. well i do want to hear it it being the 2012 london cast#recording of sweeney todd starring michael ball and imelda staunton. ANYWAYS!! in that one the songs lead in to eachother#ive listened to all the other soundtracks but idr if they do that.. well ill tell u the movie doesnt bc it doesnt have kiss me. which is#just so. the johanna anthony romance doesnt rly have much substance in the first place and yr taking away like. their duet together. ok....#AND yr taking away the end part of lits? the best part of that song? whatever its fine its fine.#if anybody is curious my ranking of casts is 2012 > obc > movie > 2006 i fucking hate 2006 or 2005 or whatever i hate it sm it makes my#blood literally boil im sry. i fucking LOATHE it idk what it is well i do but this post is already 5000000 years long. idt the new one is#out fully yet... i was ok with the songs i have heard but idk where id rank it yet. i should prolly check if the full things out yet omg so#me and my lampstie (way of saying my siblings name if theres something deeply wrong with you) can listen :]
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kalashtars · 8 months
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current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit
#damien.txt#sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam#i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually#okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way#and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues#because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit#and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life.#and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if....#and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds#and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm#at a level that is. certainly unhealthy.#and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know!#but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point.#and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals#abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much!#but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess.#idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually#my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks#i am. tired.
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dreamingofstarslight · 8 months
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I am melting into a puddle like the wicked witch
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voidimp · 8 months
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yeah yeah okay maybe there is something to be said for eating healthier. whatever
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crimmson · 1 year
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between my computer deciding to rebel, and work, and life, and I feel like I have a perpetual minor cold with that kinda slightly stuffy feel and that taste in the back of my throat,
I am kindly requesting someone to just Old Yeller me at this point
#the computer one is pissibg me off particularly because i Just built this shit two years ago#then i do a driver update a couple of weeks ago and start noticing that now if i game and watch a stream at the same time#some windows process starts choking the fucking life out of my CPU after a couple of hours#and after following a chain of looking shit up i get to ghe event viewer#and there's just a nonstop parade of errors for typically one or two things#at this point i drag my dad in because im out of my depth#i do some more shit. i update and reflash the bios. i check drivers 500 times. i reformat the drive and reinstall windows from scratch.#even if it seems okay for a bit it eventually starts shitting out errors again.#they are either about DeviceGuard or complaining about the network#i look up some more things! i find some references but they tell me to turn off or on some things that are already enabled or disabled.#we begin thinking theres something wrong with the network part of the motherboard#i have an adapter we grabbed from work to try when i get home.#if that doesnt work then i am buying a new motherboard cpu memory and cpu cooler#because if im going to have to fucking replace shit then i might as well upgrade#part of me wants to keep the old stuff and set up a new computer and try troubleshooting because puzzle. and i hate not knowing WHAT PART#SPECIFICALLY is fucked#bro i am so TIRED#i JUST did the math a few weeks ago and was like YES if i live on ramen for a few pay cycles i will pay off my credit card and start saving#to put toward my student loans when those start up again. and my computer went 'lol thats cute'#like i am deathly afraid that i will replace all this shit and it'll STILL have this issue#like. it's useable. i could live with it. but it's clearly not normal behavior and that's what bothers me. something is clearly wrong.#not to sound old but remember when shit just fuckin worked#like i sat there for 5 hours yesterday trying different shit. finally thought i had fixed something. go to bed. wake up.#STREAM OF ERRORS for the network thing again every few minutes while i was asleep.#what are you DOING. what is WRONG WITH YOU.#my dad is looking over my shoulder at the event viewer like 'that looks like a SQL statement but why is it failing etc etc'#EXCELLENT QUESTION AND I ONLY UNDERSTOOD THREE OF THOSE WORDS! why is my computer sick!!#no it's not a virus. i promise. i was raised better than that#it FEELS like something fundamentally broke. it feels like a hardware thing. but how. what fucking demons did microsoft summon#in a driver update. that went into my computer and physically broke my shit
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lycanthian · 9 months
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#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week#genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man.#not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life#but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected#i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl#and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like#6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual#and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything#and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions#like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love.#and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay.#its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now#i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it#he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true.#i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet.#a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome#i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it.#sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it#aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh#i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much#i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally#logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own#gamey rambles#💜
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