#all other parts of my identity i feel i had to label i know full why that label is there

[steampunkedparm]

me and my grandma were at a cafe a few months ago or something and at one point had gotten onto the topic of identity within the queer space and their respective nuancs and cus of how many lables i use i often use my own identity as examples and at one point i revealed im not opposed to polyam relationships and she asked me how i knew that and??

how the fuck DO i know that??

[crowbird]

continuation of this post

Jason was not there for books. He was there for answers and you seemed suspiciously willing to answer. Or maybe that was the paranoia. You hadn't invited him in with eager arms but rather stepped aside and offered to chat over tea.

The bookshop is remarkably ordinary and yet mildly unnerving. Perhaps that's just Jason though, he finds himself, against all reason and judgement sitting across from you. The back of the shop is piled high with boxes and old furniture, a space in the centre cleared for a tea table and accompanying chairs. He stared at the tea in front of him mildly flabbergasted.

"Do you need sugar?"

"No." He croaked.

You nodded sagely, "honey then," and a jar of the stuff was placed on the table before him. He was fairly certain he had never seen honey of that nature before, even if he couldn't explain why. There was no brand label on the mason jar and the honey was rich and golden and yet all the same there was something just a little wrong about it.

Yet he found himself adding it to the tea, a choice that turned out to be a good one.

"What are you doing here?" He finally managed to say, "and how come I couldn't enter before?" The words tumbled out in an embarrassing manner.

"Drinking tea and I have wards up." You shrugged gesturing to your scars, "some use sigils to enhance and in turn others use sigils to guard. I removed them so you could enter."

"Oh, uh, right." Jason took another sip of tea, the honey soothed the frog caught in his throat and he found his voice easier this time. "I didn't mean like right now it's just this isn't exactly the location for a bookshop, I meant what are you doing here as in Gotham. You have to understand how suspicious it is to just appear like this here of all places right?"

You stared at him blankly. Before speaking, "Gotham?"

"Gotham City?" Jason tried, feeling a tad foolish and hoping he didn't come off as mocking.

You paused, contemplated, drank some tea and then shrugged. "Is that the name of this place then?"

Jason looked at you, trying to keep his focus on your eyes and not the curved scars of what he was sure now was some sort of sigil. "Okay, let's try this a different way, where are you from?" He tried again, the absurdity of this situation knocking around his brain as it seemed to eat away at any of his competence.

"Europa, if you want specifics my family is from Bohemia but I've lived in Rondon for the past few years until semi recently due to well... circumstance." You did not elaborate on circumstance but rather said it in a manner that made Jason sure he should know what you were referring to. It was common sense, everyone knew by now, and yet the knowledge eluded him entirely. You had said words and they had meanings he was sure of that much, he just had no idea what those meanings were.

It was Jason's turn to stare. "You mean Europe?"

"No? I mean Europa." There was a confusion then in your tone, the sort found over mispronunciation or a poorly spelled text. "I should assume then this is not said continent but—"

"It's not." Jason said, blunt and a little rude but he was nearing the point of frustration. Frustrated at the state of conversation and how it seemed to be halted so soon after speaking, at the lack of answers, at just, the everything about it all. And despite that he took a deep breath and drank some more tea, and waited for you to speak again.

"Then which is it?"

"America." He said, genuinely and utterly flabbergasted. He knew full well that answer was only partially correct but the technicalities seemed to be lagging in the back of his brain in his attempt to comprehend the conversation at hand. There was a part of him that was positive this was a very very elaborate prank. Or perhaps a scheme to get him unmasked. Even if he didn't particularly hold his secret identity in the sanctity as he once did it was still the principle of the matter.

Yet you were staring at him as if he had suddenly burst into song. Something genuine and serious in your expression.

"What the fuck is America."

crow's note: this is a series now, or a mini series? when I've finished I'll probably compile it into one thing on ao3. also i've decided to refer to the reader in this series as "sigils" so if asked about them in the third person I will address them like such however within the actual story they will remain nameless and exclusively referred to with gender neutral pronouns.

series navigation

[cosmic-crybaby]

Break My Heart Again - Tommy Shelby x Reader

Part 5

Summary: After being childhood friends, you and Thomas made a promise one day to get married, but when he returned from France, he came back a completely different man.

Warnings: Angst with a happy ending.

1934, soon after Tommy's' battle had ended. Three more Shelby's' dead, and one less evil he had to worry about right now. His second wife, Lizzy Stark, was nowhere to be seen and was never found. Neither was his son, Charles. After the alleged affair with Diana Mosley, she left Tommy behind. As he did with the rest of his family.

So, where was he now?

Ireland. Finding himself knocking at the door of the home he knew she resided in. The sun was barely breaking through the forever gloom of the grey clouds, he shoved his hands in his pockets as he turns around, looking at the green grassy hill, cattle grazing the lawns minding their own.

"Who are you?" The voice came from behind him. Tommy moved his body, eyes snapping down in front of him to see a young girl. Around the age of four or five, standing in the threshold of the doorway. Her head was slightly tilted, as she peered up at him with her big eyes. Tommy tried to find the words, as he was speechless. She looked almost identical to Charles.

"I...I am um..." He began to speak, but footsteps cut him off and made him look up again. The front door was pulled open.

And then she appeared. His last breath got caught in his throat when his eyes fell on her. She looked even more beautiful than the day he saw her. The day she left and the day he found her, all those months later. Seeing her up close again, made him feel like he was frozen. His mind was buzzing with a myriad of questions, apologies, excuses. She wore a house dress, her hair was pulled into a bun, pieces of hair framing her slim face.

"[Name]," Tommy said. His voice made her eyes quickly snap up from the young girl to him. She froze for a moment as she saw who was waiting for her. She never thought she would see THE Thomas Shelby...ever again. Everything else seemed to disappear when she locked eyes with him.

"Mummy...who is this?" The girl pulled on her mothers dress, breaking the silence.

[Name] managed to break her eyes away first to see her daughter, Maeve, looking between the two adults in confusion.

"Darling...this is an old friend...Tommy Shelby,"

Old Friend was an odd way to put it. Knowing they were nowhere near that title, it made Tommy chuckle a bit. But the label would do for now. The young girl nods once and smiled up at the tall man.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Shelby," Maeve spoke before turning to her mother.

"You as well, darling," Tommy managed a small smile. [Name] cleared her throat and kneeled down a bit to talk to Maeve.

"Maeve, can you be a big girl and go check on Cian for me? make sure he's still asleep," She suggested, knowing that she didn't want the children to be around while she talked with Tommy. The girl nods with determination, exiting the area and down the hall. [Name] takes a deep breath and moves away from the door.

"Come in,"

The inside of the Byrne estate was large, clean, and full of light. Nothing compared to what Tommy had at Arrow house, but it somehow had the same comfort. The two sat across from each other at the dining table. Tommy would tell it was well crafted and made from the hands of the Tall brunette man he saw before. Neither Tommy nor [name] knew what to say to each other. It felt like hours had passed as they were locked in each others gaze.

"You found me..." She stated.

"I did...I came looking for you, everywhere...Turing to every connection I had...I had to find you [name], " He answered her, not bothered how desperate he sounded.

Because deep down he knew he was.

"Why now?" She questioned. "After all these years,"

"I wanted to apologize, for everything I had done and put you through...I'm sorry for lying, for the things that I left out, for leaving you...everything. You deserved to know, more than anyone," Thomas answered, his words rang in your ears, holding as much sincerity as they can.

The woman across from him nods, her face didn't change as she stared at him. Her glaze bouncing from his eyes to his lips to the worn hands he placed on the table.

"I had wished you well and vouched to never lay my eyes on you again, yet here you are apologizing to me again...You sure made a name for yourself Tommy," She commented, a small smile forming on her face. She couldn't lie, she was proud of him. "It wasn't uncommon around here, my late husband would speak of it every now and then, I would have to pretend like I didn't know who you were,"

"Late husband?...my condolences,"

[Name] nods once and held her hand up for a moment to stop him from going on further.

"He passed just last year, consumption...Maeve was only four and Cian was barely a year," She informed him, a lump caught in her throat and a gloss in her eyes. A knowing look formed on Tommy's features, he would know all about loss.

Greta, Grace, John, Polly, and Ruby.

"Do you have anyone for yourself now?" She asked, changing her subject.

"I did...remember Lizzie Stark?"

[Name] nods, and refrained from rolling her eyes. After she had exposed Tommy for who he really was, she found out about his secret relationship with his assistant. Leaving her spiraling under the realization that again, he chose another woman that wasn't her.

"We got married and had a daughter, Ruby...she's gone now, also consumption, after everything had happened, Lizzie took Charles and left,"

Silence had fallen between them, but it wasn't daunting...it was comfortable. She didn't know what else to say...what else could she really say? She looked at the dining table, her nail slightly digging into its' surface while Thomas held his gaze on her for a moment, admiring her beauty and how, even now, she still looked as youthful as ever. He ultimately made the decision to break the silence between them.

"I don't want to waste any more of your time...Just know what I am still sorry," He said to her, shifting as he felt the heartbreak hit him and standing from the dining table. She said nothing as she heard his chair scrape against the floor, and his footsteps leading him to the foyer. An inch away from grabbing the door handle before he caught her voice calling for him.

"Tommy wait!"

He quickly turned around. Their hearts pounding as she stood in front of him. She looked like she wanted to spill something to him. Tell him everything that she had held away. Her eyes searched his until he asked a simple: 'what is it?' in a breathy tone. Her lips quivered as she tried to find the words. For once, she was speechless in front of him.

"Maeve...she's not..." [name] started. She took a deep breath and Thomas found himself holding her shaking hands in his. She swallows and nods once as he looks into her eyes. 'Breathe'.

"My husband, Andrew, he didn't know...For Christ sake I tried to keep it from him all these years and after he passed, I feel guilty even now...but, Maeve she's not his...she's yours Tommy," Tears pricked her eyes. Tommy stared with wide eyes. He couldn't question her, the time added up, he saw what her late husband looked like and he saw what her daughter looked like. He could recognize those ice-like eyes anywhere. Licking his dry lips, he sighs heavily.

"I know..." He mumbled. "I could see the Shelby resemblance in her when I saw her...I didn't want to believe it at first...but after looking at her again, I saw it,"

She wanted to call an objection to his words but decided to keep her mouth shut, knowing that the Shelby's liked to keep their pride.

Even if it was an exaggeration.

Silence fell between them once again. Tommy steps closer, grabbing one of [names] hands. His hands were ice hold and hers were warm like the flames that roared in the fireplace.

"I'd like to see you again, [Name]" He told her, a ghost of a smile forming on his lips.

"There is a lot of catching up that we need to do...," She looked down at their intertwined hands. Thomas reaches for the woman's other hand. His gaze softened as he drew in closer, her lids closed slowly as his cold, cracked lips connected with her soft and plump lips. Her heart ignited, that small flame that slowly gave out when her husband passed suddenly blew up. Except this time, it was a different type of love. This version of Thomas Shelby was...new.

The woman tried to keep calm as the gangster pulled away from the kiss, afraid he wouldn't be able to stop once he got started.

"Very well then," Giddy on the inside as she kept her smile small.

"I'll see you tomorrow," He told her calmly, one hand rubbing up and down her arm before he took his leave.

The days and weeks to come, Tommy got along well with Maeve. The more the two got along, the more [Name] saw the resemblance. Cian was more attached to his mother by the hip, usually shadowing her until he was familiar enough with Thomas's presence. With the two in bed together one night, [Name] lifts her head as she felt Thomas digging through his nightstand.

"What are you doing?" She asked curiously as she tried to look in the drawer as well. Thomas held the object in his hand, closing his hand into a fist as he laid back down and looked at his beautiful girl.

"I found this, a few months ago...before I came to see you," He started. "Everything else was destroyed, but I kept this because I knew I would find you again one day, and give it to you..."

"Come on, Tommy what is it?" She asked, sitting up on her knees, trying to reach for his hand. He pulled his hand away and gave her a look. 'Wait' It said.

"No matter what happened between us, I knew I would come back to you, even after all these years...all of this pain...it has always been you...I'm so sorry it took me all this time to realize it," He told her. He grabbed her hand with his free hand and slipped the gold ring on her finger. It still fight like a glove, maybe even more-so now. In awe, she watched as he slipped the ring on her finger. It was cold on her warm skin, causing goosebumps to form on her arms.

"Thomas...?" She gasped. Looking at him, then at the ring, then at him again as her eyes were wide, tears forming in her eyes.

"[Name]…will you do me the honor of marrying me?" He asked. It made her think back to their childhood and that promise they made for each other.

"Oh Thomas...yes," She nods happily. Not hesitating to jump into his arms and kiss him like there was no tomorrow.

"I've loved you from the start,"

---

[Tag List]

@mysticalbouquetwolf-posts @milljane @cyphah @diosa-ahre-blog @badlandsbrunette @adaydreamaway08 @namelessghoul0 @deltamoon666 @cherryslyce @calmingmelody96 @bruher @galactict3a @soulmates8 @angelofdarkness2468

[justjasper]

Creation of the Pan Flag

Copied (with grammar/spelling mistakes) from my twitter thread about it for posterity.

I was going to do this for Pride weekend but you know, life, so: I wanted to talk about a thing. I created the #pansexual flag, a thread.

Back in 2010, I was 20 and tumblr was my main social playground. I was active in various spheres, and I was learning.

I'd been IDing as bi since I was 13, but moved away from bi as an identifier and took up pansexual soon after discovering the term, bc I felt it fit better.

This is mainly bc the simplicity of pan being defined as attraction to any/all genders was extremely appealing to someone really coming into this new way of expressing their orientation like tumblr allowed. It felt right for how I wanted to relate to and express my orientation.

The bi communities I had access too often saw heavy discussion related to attraction parametres of "bi" - convos at the time I didn't really recognise for what they were: bi people working hard to define bisexuality on their terms, tackling intra-community transphobia, (cont)

(cont) and developing within a social space where more expansive gender experiences and identities were becomes more well known and understood.

My switch of labels was about finding something that felt truly right for me, but it would be dishonest to pretend the decision wasn't impacted by the politics and "discourse" I was involved in at the time.

There was no popular pan flag, and the offerings were frankly... ugly. To me. Various shades of purple, P letters, P symbols incorporating gender symbols, infinity symbols. They didn't feel consistent with the other pride flags.

So on a whim, I decided to design one. I designed it to be pretty, honestly. That was a primary function of it, to have s/t I liked to represent my identity. No point pretending I was trying to be super innovative and deep: I wanted something pretty to plaster on my blog.

Pink, yellow, blue. A strong magenta, a strong gold yellow, and a light cerulean. The pink not too purple, the yellow not too bright, the blue not too cyan. Hex FF1B8D, FFD900, 1BB2FF.

Pink and blue, because of their gendered traditions, and yellow, a generally non-gendered colour, to represent nonbinary folks etc.

I created it anonymously, on a side blog away from my main handle. I was already running LGBTLaughs which was proving very popular in tumblr and didn't want to monopolise queer blog space, I suppose.

I didn't expect it to take off. It proved popular on tumblr, and for a few years the flag kept getting added to the Wikipedia 'pansexual' page and then removed. Eventually it snowballed and ended up in use well beyond tumblr.

As I've got older I've realised a lot of people would be interested in knowing this part of modern queer history, and more about modern flag creation in general, and that it's worth documenting. Not for credit so much as for posterity.

So, that's that. The first time I saw a pansexual flag in real life at my city's Pride parade I may have had a little cry.

Twitter Drama

Best viewed on the original twitter thread, for the full documentation (I may update this with fuller documentation down the line) but here's a rundown of drama surrounding the flag.

First, to set the stage:

posted about designing the pan flag

said i was cool with bi/pan lesbians

said i was cool with kink at pride

Thus followed, in varying intensity 2020-2022:

misgendering

suicide bait

general harassment/pile-on

"called out" on r/pansexuals

blasted on sapphics for satan (fb)

now sworn enemy of of lesbian kpop avi twitter

claims the original pan flag was transphobic in meaning

multiple "new" pan flags designed to displace the one i designed

claims i stole the flag from a medieval indian kingdom, and subsequent vandalisation of wikipedia for the actual state of kerala

vandalisation of the wiki page for the pan flag, resulting in it having to be locked

[intersex-support]

Hey whatsup! I have a question about intersex identity. I am a cis woman and supposedly I've had a full blown beard since about 13 yrs old just because of PCOS. But my beard is way fuller than any other PCOS bearded person I've known, although so far I've not had any doctor indicate any other intersex indicators. Should I consider self id as intersex possibly or is that exclusively a medical term that is a closed label? I'm so wary because when I've looked into trans and nonbinary communities it's so focused on internal feelings which isn't an issue I have at all, so I've had some pushback from using labels that aren't "for me" but I don't really have other words to use without saying I'm nonbinary (which isn't even true, I am a cis woman with a big bushy beard, at least according to Drs I'm cis, since it's only a secondary sex characteristic) I've always feelings-wise identified as a cis woman without question, but having a beard is just part of that not separate from it or despite it. It's like it's always an assumption that I must shave my beard, or that if I don't then trying to feel feminine while not actively despising it is delusional. Idk. It's such a weird place to be where my biological reality doesn't fit in transness or cisness, it's almost like my opinion on womanhood is invalidated by both some trans and cis people because my cis biology doesn't fit a binary? Idk, I'm mostly just curious how an intersex person feels about someone like me maybe wanting to either be a part of or just be involved with the intersex community but I don't want to step on toes if I were to start using a term like intersex. Sorry if this is too rambling, just wanted to get this all out there.

Hi anon! Many intersex community spaces, including this blog, view PCOS as intersex. You can look through our PCOS tag for longer posts and more information about it. I know several other intersex cis woman with PCOS and a beard, so you're definitely not alone. And I know a lot of intersex people who for us, our intersex identify can play into how we feel about our gender, so you're definitely not alone with that either!

You're right that intersex is different than other LGBTQ identities in terms of it being an umbrella identity for intersex variations that impact your physical body, and that it's a little more "closed" than other LGBTQ identities just because of what it means to be intersex. But as far as we're concerned, you're absolutely welcome to identify as intersex!

[myriadeyed]

I hate binaries I hate binaries I hate binaries

[OK, full disclosure, before I posted this I had a drowned screenshot of part of a post, but I decided I didn't want to blast someone who wasn't actively having that bad of a take (I just got annoyed by phrasing) or accidentally be disingenuous in cutting off the rest of the post so instead I'm just going to explain: it was an informational post about the different experiences with labels and my frustration with it was the given examples of — paraphrased —"some alterhumans don't like the word nonhuman because they're still partly human, some nonhumans don't like the word alterhuman because they don't like the word human, some beings don't like the word person because it implies they're human."]

"It implies they're human" is not ever a true statement. Please understand the difference between how you or another person feels about a word and its definition and "this word implies/means/says/etc. this." I will not ever complain about those who don't like alterhuman or person for themselves due to their experience of dysphoria, but I am annoyed by the subset of that group who makes sweeping statements like "Alterhuman/person implies you're human!" because

I'm alterhuman and I'm nonhuman. I'm alterhuman primarily BECAUSE I'm nonhuman. I am physically not a human and what makes me dysphoric, personally, is half of the community suddenly deciding that alterhuman/person is for humans and nonhuman/being (or equivalent to being) is for everyone else so anybody who considers themself alterhuman is declaring their humanness first and everything else second. I like alterhuman. I consider myself a person because I'm a thinking being with complex emotions, not because personhood is inseparable from humanness. The alterhuman community is my community. I'm not gonna "ok we will make our own place" anymore. (I also hate having to say upfront I'm physically nonhuman otherwise I'm one of those annoying human therians yapping about misanthropy again amiright but wtvr.) It upsets me when alterhuman is talked about like "word for if you're 'kin but still consider yourself human" because I don't! I do not consider myself a human and I don't want that to dictate what labels I'm supposed to use. I do not want to be seen as a human at all, without having to abandon alterhumanity! I'm sorry for wanting to have my cake and eat it too, but this is a semantic divide, not an ontological one.

TLDR "I'm NOT alterhuman because I'm NOT a human!" Good for you! I AM alterhuman because I'm NOT a human! How cool is the subjectivity of experience? Don't project your dysphoria onto me!

I love the word alterhuman because it is up for interpretation. It is open-ended, and has space for everybody who considers their relationship to humanness or species or embodiment etc. abnormal — "alternative." I love it because my own identity is vague, inconstant, complicated and indefinable, and it can't be separated into niche distinct parts for convenient labeling. Alterhuman isn't just a catch-all umbrella term, it's a word you can use if no other words work, because it doesn't necessitate definitions. It implies nothing about identity inherently; if you have personal implications for it, those are yours, not the word's.

I like "alterhuman" for the same reasons I like "queer." Maybe my identity isn't anyone else's business, maybe it isn't even my own a lot of the time. But I always know where I belong. I find it funny how often both of these words have someone else's personal discomforts projected onto their individual users.

Btw did anyone else notice the word human is also part of "nonhuman." Scary stuff. What else is the government hiding from us

[fictionkinfessions]

Alright. Here goes. Long post ahead.

Leo. Sweet, beautiful, tender hearted little Leo. I didn't value you enough. I should have taken more time to look out for you and make sure you were okay. I should have been a better friend. We all should have been. I miss you. I should have done more. I should have let you feel safe enough to open up to me. Festus shouldn't have been your only form of security. You risked your life for us, said it was for Calypso, and then she didn't even truly value how big of a heart you really had. And I could see that it hurt you, but I didn't do enough to be there when you felt most alone. I'm sorry. Please let me back in. I'm looking for you just as much as anyone else in the Seven. I miss the companionship. Our friendship reminded me that we were still mortal, still had vulnerabilities, still had parts of us that just needed to feel human with each other. You were one of the things that kept me human. Thank you.

Piper. My fiesty little dove. I wish I could remember more about you. Everything is a blurr, just like it was back when we first met. I am so, so sorry that even now, people still paint you as something you're not. This fandom still tries to shape you into a narrative instead of letting you just be your authentic self. The biphobia that people have about headcanons of you and I is disgusting, and I know you would probably feel the same. I don't blame you if you feel a need to step away from the fandom or stop looking for me as a result of any confusion or discomfort. I wish I'd been more loyal to you and helped you better process any of your feelings about your identity. Because you're still beautiful to me no matter what you choose. You never let anyone push you into a box, and you were so powerful and real for that. Wherever you are now, I hope you're still proud of yourself and shining as radiant and empowering as ever. Never, ever, ever doubt your ability not just to give love, but to be loved as well. Whatever we were, whatever we are or could be, it doesn't matter what it was called or could be called, because that love I have for you transcends labels.

Will. I know it was difficult for us at first. I was protective of Nico, and didn't want him to get hurt, and hounded both of you while I was getting defensive and overbearing. I did a lot of projecting instead of letting you both have the space to figure things out for yourselves. You were excited to have your first boyfriend, so was he, and I was fearful of seeing it potentially go wrong. It had to go its full course though, and I'm truly sorry if my jealousy or possessiveness over Nico got in the way. You'll always be my little brother though, and I wish only the best for you. I wish I had been more patient and kind. Thank you for being so understanding and patient for me, and allowing me the space to feel welcomed by the Apollo cabin and like I was part of the Camp Halfblood community. It was an escape from the heavy energy and responsibility of New Rome, and there's a lot I could have learned from you if I'd just taken the time to shut up and listen.

Annabeth. I know you didn't trust me. My intentions were never to take Percy from you. I'm sorry for making you feel insecure or intruded upon. Much like with Will and Nico, I guess I was just afraid. You and Percy went through so much together. I can never expect to understand the experiences you shared, and I admittedly feel like I will always be second to you in a lot of ways. I never wanted you to feel second to me. You are a bright, bold, intelligent, courageous and highly diplomatic young woman who I have always had a deep respect for. I only ever wanted for us to be friends, had we ever been able to talk it out and establish those boundaries and vulnerabilities with each other. It's okay, though. Don't ever, ever doubt that Percy loves you. I swear that.

Frank. You're a good guy. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing great. I know your upbringing and heritage made a lot of your position in society quite scary and heavy to carry, and I could have been more available to support you in shouldering all of that responsibility, but you show a maturity and kindness that many could learn from. I have no doubt in my mind that you'd make a brilliant father and a fantastic pioneer for change in New Rome, and I trust that had you carried on after I was gone, you were making the right decisions. Fighting alongside you was an honour, soldier. Be a little nicer to Leo though, okay? He means well.

Hazel. I have nothing but respect for you. I wish I'd gotten to know you better. Thank you for looking after Nico when he needed a sister in his life. You were everyone's sister, and your compassion and kindness never went unnoticed by any of us. Keep on shining.

Clarisse. I know we butted heads, you butted heads with everyone, but it's okay to show your soft side. Not everything has to be a battle. It's okay. You're not alone. Nobody really hated you. You're so much tougher than you give yourself credit for. I enjoyed our friendly banter and sparring. You were a good buddy. Your music taste is still fantastic. Never stop rocking, queen.

Rachel. Thanks for letting me vent. You were invaluable in my times of need. Bless your heart.

Reyna. Get yourself that damn vacation you've been dreaming of all your life. Kick your feet up. Have a margarita. Reward yourself from time to time. You work so so so hard. It's okay. Let yourself rest. The legion will keep going even jf you take a break for yourself. You've earned it. Let yourself rest. More importantly, let yourself sleep girl!

Thalia. Thalia, Thalia, Thalia. What would I have ever done without you? I am... so, so, so sorry I had those fights with you. It's ironic how I turned to the sun and you to the moon, huh? So similar yet so different. But we were always pack, always family. I shouldn't have lashed out when you needed support of your own, even if it did come from someone like Luke. I still feel hurt and like you chose him over me, like how I guess Nico felt about Bianca choosing Artemis as well sometimes... but it never made me hate you, if anything it just made my admiration for you so much stronger. I wish, with all my heart, that I could have been there with you and Grover to prevent those things happening to you, to stop Luke turning on everyone, but I guess destiny just called us in different directions, huh? I can't say I'm happy about how things turned out, but I don't blame you for being angry at our parents about it. Just know that I forgive you, if you have it in your heart to forgive me. I'm sad that we never really reconnected after we found each other again, but I know that you were in good hands with the Huntresses. If we ever reconnect in this life... I want my sister back, and I hope you want your brother back as well. If nothing else, to at least find closure and patch up loose ends. I miss you. I love you. Please be safe.

- Jason Grace #🖤⚡️🦅

x

[antiradqueer]

hi. this is probably going to be a long ask, but i don’t do discourse on my public blog and i want this to be somewhere relevant and visible

i am an autistic bipolar trans man with scizophrenia symptoms. i have had, and still struggle with: very unpleasant intrusive thoughts that are sexual or violent, maladaptive daydreams, delusions, and pathological lying. i’ve encountered transid identities before, but i didn’t know about the radqueer “community.” i also want to add that i’m a psychology student and aim to be non-judgmental under any circumstances relating to mental health.

it seems to me like a lot of people who identify as radqueer are just kids or young adults who are still learning about themselves, their identities and their mental health

i’ve read a lot of posts from transtrauma folks, and my initial impression is that a lot of them are attention starved and need validation in their outside lives, or have minor or complex traumas that they don’t realise are valid due to them not being one recognised traumatic event. you don’t need to have gone through something completely life-ruining to deserve sympathy, nor do you need to be mentally ill.

the same applies to transabled identities as well - i know from my own experience as a person with a chronic illness that affects my physical ability, but i don’t identify as physically disabled - that the disabled and cripplepunk communities are full of love and acceptance, and it seems like a lot of radqueers are seeking that same acceptance.

i saw a coining post for the term “transvegan” - one who wants to be vegan, identifies as vegan, but isn’t vegan right now due to life circumstances. and the way i see it is that these people have discovered queer identities as a way to label themselves, eg “i feel this way because i am lesbian”, and as a result have chosen to label all their personality traits as queer identities. you don’t have to call yourself transvegan! you can say “i’m not vegan right now because that’s not feasible for me but i agree with their ideas and advocacy,” and that’s okay. most decent vegans will respect you for that anyways.

before i knew about my bipolar disorder, i thought i might be a system - so guess what, i tried it out for a few days, using tools like pluralkit and a system tracker. it turned out that it wasn’t an experience i shared, but that was okay. at the time, i did want to be a system as that would help me understand why i was the way i was - but after i realised i wasn’t, i kept going and eventually got my bipolar diagnosis that has brought me a lot of comfort.

i relate to the feeling of wanting to have a severe, labelable trauma as well. i was desperate for a reason why i was struggling and mentally ill even though nothing “big” and “horrible” had happened to me.

transracial identities seem to stem from a similar thing imo - i love japanese folklore and history, and actively do research into it in my free time. i enjoy hearing accounts from japanese people about their personal experiences with their mythology, and while i don’t want to live in japan, i think other people like me might. if the radqueer community had existed when i was a young teenager, i might even have identified as transjapanese. however, it seems to me like trace identities stem from misattributing an interest (and again, a specific desire for respect and inclusion from those with a culture they’re interested in) to wanting to be their specific race.

i identify as asexual, and don’t relate to any feelings of attraction, nevermind paraphilias, but i do have intrusive thoughts, and dealing with that has taught me the attitude that your thoughts are not your fault. i love and respect people with paraphilias, even the “weird” ones, but the important part is understanding that if your actions due to your attraction could harm others, like children and animals, it’s your responsibility not to act on those thoughts. whether you want to seek therapy and try and stop having them is a personal choice and up to you, but you cannot refuse the responsibility not to harm others.

if you want to think or write about societally unacceptable scenarios such as grooming or rape, you can - thoughtcrime isn’t real and censorship is a slippery slope - and if the point of your work is not to condone or encourage that kind of thing, and you are clear and do not make people read it if they don’t want to, it does no harm.

unfortunately, that ties in to the other part of the radqueer community who have harmful opinions, like ableism, racism, and pedophila, who simply use the guise of “queerness” to try and get away with it. at its core, queerness is about playing with gender norms and identity, and how you are perceived by society; not “having sex with someone you aren’t “supposed” to be having sex with,” or “having views not agreed with by current society.”

animals and children cannot consent. period. it is not about knowing what sex is, it is about understanding the meaning and gravity of what you are doing, and to take advantage of someone or something that doesn’t is inherently violating. if you think any actions that cause harm to others, sexually or violently, are normal or justifiable then you are not a good person. you are not respectable.

i can’t speak on racism in the radqueer circle and the concept of winterqueer because i don’t know enough, but i can tell you now that the queer and punk communities do not accept racism, and that it goes against the core of who we are. you are not and will not be part of us.

i also think there’s something to be said about how transid views trans people as not truly what they are. if i fully physically transitioned, i wouldn’t stop being transgender, but it feels like a lot of transid identities are only defined by the wanting of, not the being. a trans man is not a woman who wants to be a man. he is a man who at some point used to be viewed as female, and no longer feels that way.

(not adressing anyone on this blog, just things i have seen) i think my point was that the argument of “these people will never be accepted by society” does more harm than it does good - i don’t think their beliefs are normal or will be accepted, but by arguing that the people themselves will never be accepted when they are in the community in the first place because they want to be respected and seen only serves to push them back into the circle of people who genuinely desire harm.

on a similar note, harrasment and death threats on either side are also horrible. you are not helping, you are not getting one up on them, you are just hurting people, and wasn’t the entire point of being anti-radqueer trying to prevent people hurting others?

idk. this was long and rambling, but it’s just. you can want things that are unachievable but you’ve gotta come to terms with the fact they’re unachievable. there’s a difference between “fiction is not reality” (true) and “fiction does not affect reality” (provably false). radqueerism is not as progressive as it claims to be. and there are a lot of people out there who refuse to grow or learn.

.

[atruththatyoudeny]

Happy 28th! Here are all the fics I read and loved this month:

Desperation Was My Sanctuary | InsightfulInsomniac | [101k] As a PhD student and transplant to New York City, Louis is struggling for both money and companionship. His roommate, Zayn, introduces him to a friend who is involved in New York City's sugar bowl. Reluctantly, he signs up for a sugaring app knowing he’s probably the least conventional sugar baby on the market. If he can find a sugar daddy who will pay his bills without asking him to sacrifice his own preferences and boundaries, he might just be willing to earn a bit of extra cash by faking a relationship with a millionaire. At the age of 35, Harry’s spent his entire adult life devoted to his career as a fashion designer. With his label, Eroda, steady and flourishing, he finally has time to settle down. When he reflects on his adult life, he realizes that he’s never been in a relationship and therefore feels behind. Shy and insecure in his inexperience, he turns to a sugaring app to manufacture a “test relationship” on his terms. Turns out, they’re both looking for something unconventional. A smutty, non-traditional strangers-to-lovers story about finding yourself, friendship, safety, sexual discovery, and an unexpected collision with tender, profound love.

part time soulmates (full time problem) | localopa | [12k] sworn enemies harry and louis are soulmates. everything is going smoothly until the pain hits.

Men of Steel, Men of Power | Stria (Asia117) | [58k] “You’ve been watching me,” Styles said. Louis swallowed around nothing. He tried for light. “You’re the newest addition, people are bound to be curious,” he said. “Sure,” said Styles, in a somewhat condescending tone. “I’m not that daft, I do notice the curiosity regarding my clothes. That’s not what you’re doing though, hm?” Styles’ gaze was intense, and Louis could feel it burn on the side of his face, but kept his eyes stubbornly on the coffee cup. “I,” he said, licked his lips. Took a deep breath, tried to look open, confident, dominant. Alpha. - Louis has one goal: survive this year unscathed to complete his grand plan, for which he has sacrificed his family, his friends. His identity. he's not expecting Alpha Harry, who manages to get under his skin and inside his heart. He suddenly has a lot more to lose, and a lot less control.

Write You A Song | Rearviewdreamer | [6k] Harry’s new flat is great but the acoustics are even better. They’re so good in fact that his daily shower concerts start to entertain an audience besides his shampoo bottle.

The Bluest war and peace | Hazzaslittle28 | [27k] For centuries the Black Haven pack had a tradition where the first born omegas and alphas were to be introduced to each other. The pups were barely ten, dressed in their finest clothings and made to look presentable. That's when he first saw his ruins and he knew that he was never going to be the same.

Deleted Scenes | Stria (Asia117) | [33k] “Do you trust me?” asks Louis in a whisper, mouth pressed on the crown of Harry’s head. His voice has that raw quality to it that Harry has only heard a few times, and he takes a deep breath. “I do,” he responds, and he could add something to keep up the charade, tell Louis that of course he does, he’s here for him, to support him, but he doesn’t really feel like doing anything. He’s going away in a very short while, after all. He can’t find the strength to keep up the farce. “I told you everything would be alright,” says Louis. “I told you we will be alright. Do you trust me on this?” Harry hesitates. He feels Louis’ arms tighten around him, and he brings one of his hands over Louis’. He doesn’t want to lie, he doesn’t. Agent Harry Styles was injured on the job a few months back, and gets roped in one last mission before he can retire prematurely: playing house with Louis, a widower who has amnesia. The assignment seems simple at the beginning, but soon enough Harry's twisted in a web of his own making, and can't get out anymore.

you know it ain't fiction, just a natural fact | anditsonlyforthebrave | [13k] “Look, Lou” Harry whispers, “I can’t do it, and as much as I like having dinner with you, and hanging out, I think we should just do it without the tutoring part because I am not smart enough for school.” “That’s bullshit,” Louis answers quickly, “what do you like?” he asks, “I mean, other than football and asking me stuff about my family. There must be something else you’re good at.” “I play football and fuck, Louis. That’s it.” Louis definitely doesn’t flinch at that. He does not. --- Harry is the golden boy of the college football's team, Louis is their professors' golden student and they definitely don't have anything in common. Falling in love would be dumb.

what's left of my halo's black | LiveLaughLoveLarry (SoLongAndThanksForAllTheFic) | [22k] As Harry sucks lovebites into Louis’ neck, Louis hopes that one day those marks will cover the way he can still feel Alex’s handprints burned into his flesh. As Harry’s nails drag scratches along Louis’ back, Louis hopes that one day the scabs on his heart will heal and drop away just like the scabs on his skin. As Harry fucks him down into the mattress, the bed shaking with every thrust, Louis hopes that one day his mouth will forget the shape of Alex’s name, won’t trace it over and over as the heat builds inside him, won’t want to scream it when he comes. Maybe one day he’ll open his eyes, as he slowly floats down from his post-orgasm haze, and won’t expect to see Alex’s face smiling back at him. But today is not that day. A year after a devastating breakup, Louis is still trying to put himself back together - but getting over a breakup is hard when you work as a wedding planner. Thankfully, his coworker Harry is the most supportive friend Louis could ask for. But Harry has some secrets of his own, and they send Louis' world spinning off its axis all over again. Based on the song "Holding On To Heartache" by Louis Tomlinson

Hold You With My Hands Tied | LetTheMusicMoveYou | [12k] “There’s a club in town called Habit, and they’re looking for a bartender to cover evenings and weekends. No previous experience required.” Harry furrows his brows. He’s never been to Habit, but he certainly knows what type of club it is. BDSM. It’s not the ideal position for an Omega surely, but beggars can’t be choosers he supposes. He tilts his head to the side. “And they would be ok with an Omega filling that role?” Janet scans her eyes over the job description before nodding. “Yes, actually it says here Omegas are preferred but not required.” Harry sighs. “When do I start?” (Or the one where Omega Harry loses his bakery job and is forced to take a temporary position bartending at a local BDSM club. It turns out to be not so bad. Especially when he catches the eye of the owner Louis, who also happens to be a gorgeous Alpha).

[blood-choke]

Thanks for saying the bit about butch being identity more than presentation. I'm aware it is, like I'm not dumb, but I never feel like I show the fact that I'm butch enough, even if I'm soft butch. Like wearing androgynous clothes means fuck all in modern day since women's fashion is androgynous at a base line currently, plus I have very long hair and tend to keep my nails somewhat long so my identity doesn't show at all and it makes me constantly feel like I'm appropriating the label. But like if I were cis, I'd probably take testosterone for a bit like she/her Lea did; that idea is super enticing. As is I like being trans because it gives some masculinity to my physicality. If it were the past where women wore dresses, I'd definitely wear men's clothes (probably mixed with some parts of women's stuff). Just modern day doesn't let me visibly defy social norms as much as I want. My leather jacket and boots just isn't enough to show my identity.

Sorry for the ranble. Just made me feel way better, seeing confirmation that it's largely identity. Even if I don't have anyone to truly express it with.

you're welcome!

it was definitely something i had to unlearn; especially now with so much of lesbian bar culture having been pushed out and forgotten, a lot of younger people just.. don't know what these words mean, and when i was their age, butch and lesbian both were Bad Words that you never said at all except to demean someone.

reading older lesbian literature helped me overcome that and learning about all of the people that came before us; both about butches and femmes. digging through archives and putting myself into butch/femme spaces online has been hugely beneficial to me. i used to feel the same & like i could never "claim the label" because i didn't look a certain way, but that's just simply not true.

and this is especially not true for lesbians and other women who are already having other labels forced upon them by society; for not being white, for not being skinny, for not being hyper feminine, for not being cis, etc.

one of the things that made it really click for me was picture archives, specifically these kinds of pictures:

(pride, nyc, 1977 by meryl meisler)

this one is nancy tucker & her partner, and the two of them would switch shirts throughout the march. (1970 by kay tobin lahusen)

you can see how similar butches and femmes can look, and this is also what i mean when i say femmes are just as sanitized in popular media. butch and femme can be adjectives, but they are also nouns, they are genders and they are roles that people fill within lesbian relationships and within their community; how they move through the world, interact with society and how they interact with other lesbians and other women romantically and sexually.

this quote is one of my favorites:

“Butch is a trickster gender—and so, in a similar way, is femme. Lesbian gender expressions do not emulate heteropatriarchy, they subvert it. Femme removes femininity from the discursive shadow of masculinity and thereby strips from it any connotation of subordination or inferiority. Butch takes markers of “masculinity” and divests them of their association with maleness or manhood. Butchness works against the gender binary—the masculine/feminine paradigm—and reclaims for women the full breadth of possibilities when it comes to gender expression.”

— Caroline Narby, “On My Butchness”

[chidoroki]

182 Days of TPN - Day 173

Chapter 173: "Prisoners"

My immense dislike towards Peter often leads me to making fun of him, but he ain't a cute kid. I dunno any child his age (however old he is here) to look that happy with wearing a full suit. Normal children would complain.

I know Norman isn't related to the James at all, but I still enjoy how so many people joke or theorize about it solely based on how he took on the WM persona and how similar they look at a first glance. Not just by the hair and outfit either, but even their actions, like you can't look at this panel and not be reminded of that one panel of Norman from ch126. It's so memorable that I don't even have to place it here to compare the two because of how identical it is to James here.

Imagine if James never found that old document. The world would continue on suffering under the farm system rules forever and we wouldn't even have our story. Maybe. Ray would probably still question his existence and the world whether or not James hides clues in the books in the GF library. It would certainly be more difficult for the kids to survive outside the farm though without using the pen for guidance, if they could manage the escape in the first place.

Peter, for once in your life, can you please just act like a normal child? Who hears of someone sacrificing others for their own gain and thinks, "oh, they're brilliant! I wanna be just like them!" I really hate how Julius pushing aside his personal feelings in order to change the world and stop the fighting sounds so similar to what Emma did with making the new promise, but our girl would certainly never betray her family and friends to achieve that better world!

This poor man. It's as if his entire purpose in life is crashing down around him.

As heartbreaking as this scene of James' death is, I can't feel sorry for Peter in this moment. The dude labeled James as a traitor and gave the order to the other Ratri men to go kill him, so I can't imagine why the boy is wailing so hard for something he caused to happen. He could've at least tried to talk to James about the situation, maybe find some common ground that the two of them could agree upon that would apply to both their ideals on how to run the clan and farm systems, but nope. Death be upon ye. The fact that Peter gets up and walks away shortly after rubs me the wrong way too. If he was truly upset about his brother's death, surely he would've taken his body somewhere else to do a proper burial instead of just leave him there. Peter mentions at the start of this chapter that he respected James more than anyone, but this sure as hell ain't the proper way to show it.

Local fool having an existential crisis. Sure the Ratri clan was bound to play the part as the mediators between both worlds, but one couldn't honestly believe that was the correct way to do things. It's surprising the promise lasted a thousand years before someone had the nerve to stand up and say, ya know, living this way just ain't right.

Peter isn't wrong, unfortunately. Humans can really be so terrible. The world we're personally living in is far from perfect.

One of the rare deaths when the corners of my mouth are tugged upwards. It's fine. No one really wanted Peter to join the kids in the human world anyway.

Favorite panel/moment:

James' smile. That's all.

[bluegoblinfox]

Non verbal or not non verbal?

I've really struggled to express this and why I am having difficulty with not using the term become non-verbal. I'm gen x and I'm trying to understand. Please be kind.

This it's been a part of my life always really. It's just when it got to this point I would hide away my own. It wasn't really an issue in my day-to-day life because I was masking so much. However I would burn out and need to take days and days off work to recover on I've regular basis. Places of work don't like this.

When my daughter was unwell and I was caring for her full time and intensively, I became very burnt out. I Began noticing that I would start to do what I called- loose my words. It would be like there was a fog in my brain between what I was thinking and feeling and putting that into language and then expressing that in words. At its best this would just be a verbal difficulty and at its worse I couldn't communicate in writing either.

When my daughter hit crisis, so did I. When she went into a crisis house and then went into a psychiatric unit, I began to notice the periods of me having difficulty expressing myself with words was becoming more frequent. As I said at best this was a shutdown verbally and at worse it was an inability to communicate using language at all.

It seems like the more stressed I was, the more stressful the situation was, the more emotive situation was and the more communicating I needed to do, the more difficulty communicating I had.

I still have these issues. I can feel them coming on most of the time. When it's all getting too much and I'm shutting down and my communication ability shuts down too. I still use the phrase losing words. However most people don't understand what that means and what it means for me.

I have used the phrase becoming non-verbal to describe my difficulties during these periods. I have recently read on Tumblr from people who are non-verbal all of the time that this is offensive. I don't fully understand at the moment why that is but I want to understand.

I don't feel the term semi verbal quite describes me as the majority of the time I can communicate using my voice and typing. I don't feel the term selective mute is an adequate definition of what it is I experience. I don't know I could be wrong on this.

I don't want to use language which detracts from other autistic's experiences or obstructs understanding. I do however need to use words that other people generally are able to understand the meaning of.

I think discourse is important. It is vital to establish a shared and precise comprehension of the meanings of words. It is equally important to grasp their significance within different social groups. These meanings contribute to the associated ideas, assumptions, and stereotypes related to those words. The common understanding of these words and any prevalent stereotypical beliefs associated with the group they describe can unfortunately result in discrimination and prejudiced actions.

However I don't believe in the gatekeeping of terms, definitions, labels, over who can use them.

I am queer and there are many definitions of what that means. However generally it means not cis-heterosexual.

Queerness like autism is a spectrum consisting of many parts. My queerness is more evident in some parts of my life and less so in others. My autism is impacts me to different degrees in different areas of my life. I am 100% autistic and I am 100% queer. Both those labels apply to me as an individual, as ways of describing my gender identity and sexuality succinctly and as a way of describing my neurotype succinctly.

People are argue all the time about who has the right to use these labels. I don't care if you are self-diagnosed autistic I think that is just as valid as a diagnostic label. I don't care why or for how long or when you decide that you identify as queer. It is just as valid to decide that you are queer in your teens or when you're 50.

I experience not being able to use language verbally at times. I don't understand at present why it would be offensive or wrong for me to say I experience becoming non-verbal at times. As this is a succinct and well understood way of describing this experience in a way that others can understand.

If someone can explain this issue to me in a way that makes sense and can suggest another way of me explaining my experience and getting my point across regarding my support needs to people in general without saying I have periods where I am non-verbal, then I will stop using that term.

[ridibulous]

Judas / Choir

Judas: host & body name // Choir: system name (Choir System)

(link for more information to be updated...)

♫♪.ılılıllılılı. ♫♪

— body is nineteen years old.

— collectively he/him and (plural, when referring to multiple parts/the system as a whole) they/them. alternate between first-person pronouns i/me and we/us.

— body is an intersex transgender man, 1 year on testosterone, top surgery on the horizon (October 30, 2024). gender identity can be most simply described as binary nonbinary.

— neurodivergent. autistic. DID system.

♫♪.ılılıllılılı. ♫♪

psst... this is only a basic intro. click below for lots more!

Boundaries and BYF info.

— Feel free to send us asks or DM us. We like messages.

— If we do anything wrong... please just tell us? We're constantly trying to learn and grow for the better.

— We block liberally to curate our online experience. If you make us uncomfortable we won't hesitate to do so, even if you aren't on our below "DNI".

— Folk who apply to our DNI can and will get blocked, including when found in our notifications.

— We also read all of our notifications. Expect the possibility of a response as well when you say something, whether it be in your askbox, a reblog of your reblog, whatever.

— Please do not interrogate us about our full background, especially if you are a stranger. We literally don't know it all, and more importantly we don't owe you it.

— For the love of humanity if you have a complex typing quirk and are able to, please be willing to translate it into plain English. Obligatory "typing quirks are inherently ableist and refusing to translate is being actively ableist". As a Homestuckie I can understand leetspeak-esque quirks, but if yours is so esoteric I can't easily gleam what your message says it will get on my nerves.

— Please please please understand that if you misinterpret my posts as a stranger I might get passive aggressive. I try not to, this is unfortunately the piss on the poor website, but god damn please use your reading comprehension for a minute before saying something on our posts.

— We personally do not like being called a "plural". If you enjoy the label, cool. Please don't use it on us.

— Parts/alters (we use both terms interchangably) don't have signoffs by default just cause we don't really see the point here. Everyone who's willing & allowed on here uses tumblr as they wish.

— All system posts we make (should) have "#endos dni" and "#endos fuck off" as a warning for pro-endo folk. We don't blame you if you liked or reblogged from somewhere else, but our boundaries are still as such.

— We don't usually tag triggers (or much of anything) especially on reblogs. We just hit the funny green button unless the content is particularly compelling enough for us to tag.

— In general we're really sloppy with tags. We've had this blog for years on end, and don't feel particularly inclined to sideblogs. This also means you might stumble upon old posts and/or opinions if you go through our blog. Sorry for any cringe you find /lh

DNI

more of a broad "who we ignore/block" list. I mean seriously, is a flesh & blood TERF going to listen to this?

in other news, if you don't apply to any of the below, you should follow us! /not forced

— Any type of bigot.

— Radical feminists in general. This includes TERFs, T"I"RFs, SWERFs, febfems, transradfems/baeddels, etc. We include them under our "bigot" label, but just being thorough.

— Any flavor of right-wing nonsense. (conservative, alt-right, neonazi, pro-life, antivax, etc.)

— Anti-Furry. Your life is boring as shit.

— Anti-therian/otherkin/objectum, or any adjacent label.

— Anti-self-shipping, self-inserts, and OC x Canon. Your life is ALSO boring as shit.

— Heavily in pro/anti-ship discourse. We are not proship, antiship, or neutral. Do not force any of these labels on us, we do not engage with the discourse seriously. It should be common sentiment that pedophilia(+related i.e necro, zoo, etc), incest, abuse etc. that's publicly romanticized/fetishized as normal or okay is wrong. TL;DR,

[ID: A tumblr screenshot with a grainy filter overlay. It's a post by @/bloodenjoyer posted on May 25, 2023 that reads as follows, "i'm not “pro ship” or “anti ship” i live in the real world + have media literacy + am grossed out by pedophilia which is all pretty standard fare for people who life in the real world actually". /End ID.]

— Queer exclusionists & infighters (truscum/transmed, anti-mspec monos, anti-contradictory identities, believes aspec aren't inherently queer, doesn't believe transandrophobia is real, etc.)

— Not normal about intersex people. Sex is not binary. You cannot "transition to become intersex". Intersex doesn't just mean "both sets of genitalia". AFAB doesn't equal female and AMAB doesn't equal male. Be a better advocate.

— Pro-radqueer/transx identities.

— Non-traumagenic systems and supporters. Neutral folk with a pro-endo leaning are on thin ice. Everyone else is cool.

— Pro-contact paraphiles. (ex. pedophilia, zoophilia, necrophilia)

— Believe in "narc abuse" or other cluster B "abuses".

— Anti-age regression/age dreaming (agere/agedre) or pet regression/pet dreaming (petre/petdre).

— Anti-well researched self-diagnosis.

— Believe RAMCOA/OEA isn't real or purposefully believe conspiracy theories & other disinformation related to it.

— Porn blogs who post about hard CNC/rape kink, gore/guro, DDLG & other ageplay (agere/agedre are inherently SFW to us.), raceplay, fat fetish/feederism, and detransition kink.

— If you don't know how to use the block button yourself and shit bricks in our notes/askbox over something trivial. /hj

♫♪.ılılıllılılı. ♫♪

To be updated whenever we feel like it.

[nimdreams]

This post is about what happened yesterday, but I felt too insecure to immediately write about it. I do want to though, because perhaps others have similar experiences and I want to show that it is okay.

At this point, at age 35 and 6 years into being in the community, I feel like I have a good general sense of my alterhumanity. I don't have a lot of new experiences, but some of them seem to come and go now and again. The thing that I have been focused most on, is to find the right labels to cover my experiences and feelings. I don't really know why I find that so important, but I can't (yet) seem to stop trying. This time around, I thought I had it. Instead of trying to push everything under one label, I have embraced multiple, with reasons behind each of them, so it seemed to me that I had all my bases covered. But then yesterday my genderfluidity hit me and my gender moved away from astrumgender to something like princessgender. I didn't mind that incredibly much. I had hoped to become stable in that as well, because I felt so happy with my pronouns. Now my pronouns are up in the air for a while (please use what you are comfortable using for me or use my name) and with that move away from stars I suddenly realized; my alterhuman feelings around stars were gone too. My Vulpecula identity is a combination of my foxself and starself, but the star part was gone. I don't know how to explain it, how does it even feel to identify or not, but there is either something there, or not. I thought that wouldn't happen anymore, because my current labels, I thought, were based on experiences and not on feelings anyway.. and I guess that is right for the other ones, just not for the feeling of "star". However, with my Vulpecula identity switching into a fox identity only, I looked at my other labels and found I didn't feel voidling at all yesterday either. It made me panick a little, but I told myself this could just be a temporary hiccup. Maybe I didn't need to feel like I was something, to be it, and I do agree with that to some extent for my dogself or hareself. With my kintypes though, I felt like I wanted to let them go. This doesn't mean I don't still experience the things that fall under these labels, I just don't want to label them in this same way currently. For voidling, every noema is still a dream I have had, I just don't know if it is fully part of my *identity*, and I don't think it really has to be. I have tried to label my dreamself and those experiences so many times, but when I try too hard I put pressure on my dreams, and they don't feel as free and full of possibilities as they do when I don't.

So for now, I use fae for how I see myself physically, golden retriever therian for my dog experiences and identity, and European hare folcintera. I am also a fox and shapeshifter, but those are non-specified labels for now, that I will probably look into to see how I can fit them in, but really maybe they should just be vaguetypes.

Perhaps I let myself be guided by feelings over experiences too much. Maybe I will reapply the labels of voidling and Vulpecula as soon as I feel them again. I don't know. This is just how fluid I am, how unbound I let myself be. I take it day by day and from an outside perspective I might seem unstable in identity or undecided, but really I am just over-focused on finding the perfect labels.

[brainrawt]

Jordayla Proposal 5x20 - my (early) thoughts

I was not prepared for the proposal to be Jordan and Layla’s! That wasn’t what I had wanted for them. Jordan had a very long teen marriage plot, in which the show made it clear the whole time that it was a bad idea, even when Jordan was up for it. Getting married at 17: bad idea, wrong, shouldn’t happen; Getting married at 19: good idea (???) What, from the characters’ perspective, not ours, is different? I’ve been thinking about this all week lol, and I’m almost there, but I actually wish the show would explicitly tell me.

Obviously what moved me was Layla’s joy! I can’t get over it. She has opened herself to Jordan completely. There is no fear, she loves and trusts him enough to do something crazy with him. Layla wants someone to stay, and this is the biggest commitment ever, he will stay quite literally until death does them apart. She was missing a family for so long, and now she has one of her own. Not only does Layla feel that it’s a good idea, she believes it! In s3, she couldn’t bear to see Jordan go along with his plans with Simone because it wasn’t his path, and she speaks up, even when she had no stakes. If she thought they couldn’t or shouldn't get married, she would’ve said no. Saying yes is just so fresh for Layla’s character and exactly what I dreamed to see. 

Jordan saying “When I'm with you, I feel like I'm home.” is everything, given his entire life was uprooted recently. He chased an identity in his father, he was always uncertain and insecure, but now he feels at home. “You know who else makes a great pair? Jordan and Layla (…) Hashtag couple goals” - Cute moment but these are real reflections! He thinks they’re compatible, they were able to help their friends. He thinks of Layla as family already, she’s Liv’s sister and Laura’s bonus baby. 

Liv described Jordan: “He’s impulsive, he does things without thinking.” Yes, he is impulsive and he has still matured greatly. I have loved Jordan’s personal arc, and I don’t think he has to lose his character traits to be ‘complete’, nor do I think he needs to be ‘complete’ to get married. I see a lot of Joey/Pacey in Jordan/Layla and there’s a quote from them that goes: “Part of his recklessness is that he’s constantly surprising me and part of his rashness is that he’s intensely passionate.” This quote has never left me and I think it suits Jordayla well. These things about them can be true and make their love great. In a way, I think his decision is commemorative of his dad, but not because it's some product of his trauma. After a tortuous, life-long journey, Jordan and Billy ended in a good place, and football wasn’t their sticking point. They bonded over Jordan’s love and happiness with Layla. Jordan was robbed of more of those conversations but he knew Billy would’ve encouraged him. “Tell Layla she has my approval”, that’s what he’s doing. Maybe his father son prophecy isn’t to be a NFL QB, maybe it’s to embrace the love of his life. 

Jordan and Layla honestly do give me the vibes of a couple that would get married young. I have nothing against young marriage. I love young love in all its sweet, endearing, naive, full force, unprecedented glory. I just can’t stand when its young people trying to be grown ups lol. But in the proposal, Jordan and Layla seem so young and I LOVE it. From Layla's pigtails to the way they’re not super dressed up. They’re not at a bar or a record label event. How giddy they both are, Layla is giggling and gasping the entire time, and Jordan is just bustling around nervously. She lights up at the pretty ring and is excited to put it on, and they can’t get their hands off each other. Beyond obsessed at how he hugs her first, again so sweet and youthful, and a reminder that they are best friends! It’s like he wanted to share his joy with his best friend before he wanted to kiss his fiance, you know?! In general, they are very much a young couple in the way they flirt, get each other flustered, gossip, fight and make up, talk about each other to their friends, giggle and say hi. It's adorable and refreshing to the show, and the scene captured it well. I find the unbridled youngness of their love SO romantic and I like that the writers embraced it. I like that Jordan isn't pretending to be sensible, and I find it hilarious that he splurged on a ring and wanted to assure her before she answered that she deserved a fancy proposal with fireworks. Come on she’s a Material Gworl - they both are. And adorably well-suited, given that Layla is also a Wedding Girl! She knew what wedding dress she wanted like 10 years ago, and Jordan is absolutely a Groomzilla. Good for them, they enjoy weddings and they can have a great one together. It’s not something dutiful, it's not something otherly, it's something great and all theirs!

In developing their relationship, they’ve barrelled through it all. They could not love each other or want to be together, more. People say they haven’t been tested – just because you pass a test it doesn't mean you weren’t tested. Jordayla’s challenges have not been typical either, no break ups or other love interests etc, so it's cool that the next step for them is them figuring out marriage. It's not that they're going to just get whisked away this second and pop out babies. 

They have so much love to share. I love that throughout the hardship of Billy’s death, their love brought some love and light to their friends and family. Their relationship was the only thing that made Olivia smile, their coming out dinner allowed everyone to joke around and be happy for them. They were the light in those dark times. They have so much more love to give each other and everyone else! Asher said at his first wedding (lol) that Jordan was the glue for their friendship, I still believe this and putting this wedding at the centre of their vortex is good for everyone I think.

I enjoyed how it played out on-screen, your suspicions grew throughout the episode and yet none of us actually knew it was Jordan. So fun! I love how the scene cuts from Jaymee saying “...then who was the ring for?” to Jordan proposing. The immediate buzz from seeing them, and such an intimate moment, it was just gorg. It reminded me of 5x04 when their “I’m glad we slowed things down” scene cuts to them in bed. I know some people would’ve liked to see these events unfold but to me the gag of it all is just too good. The first watch experience is too perfect. They have other great slow rewatchable scenes like 5x03, 5x14 etc so there’s a great balance and I wouldn’t trade any of them. 

From a story perspective, I am excited about the potential of this. I think it will speed up our timeline. If we’re fazing out the adult stories now, I’d much rather see this! Definitely want to see all the character-focused stories, their bachelor(ette) parties, in-law scenes, all sorts of things. I’m excited to hear Layla’s voice re: their relationship. We did once in the Homecoming scene telling Simone that Jordan stayed, I want more!

The whole engagement is so unexpected and exciting that it gives me butterflies. I have no choice but to get on board because how is it that this same ship still gives me butterflies?! I felt this way in their “What are we?” era at the end of last season and yet again now in their engaged era. I don’t know how this will play out, but if it was up to me, they wouldn’t get married until late in the season, especially given that there’s likely more seasons to come. I want seeing them up there, having made it from the proposal to the altar, to feel suuuper earned. I hope they stay this fresh and exciting. I do get bored when ships get too far into being the “parent couple” so I hope I don’t live to see that day with my beloved Jordayla. I know the proposal is for a reason, the writers have a vision. By showing them at better and worse (5x11 onwards), in sickness and health (5x18), the build up was stunning and this couple has never failed me before.

[streetkid-named-desire]

I wanna talk about having titties and being nonbinary.

Even when I had the fuck off huge titties prior to my reduction I was still nonbinary. There is no one way to present. Being nonbinary is just like any other gender identity. It's figuring out your internal concept of your own gender. Some people do extend it to also changing their body or presentation to better match, some people don't.

For me, getting my fallopian tubes severed this connection between my "womb" and all the societal expectations that came with that and my ovaries which don't even work right bc of PCOS but are just simple organs that affect my hormone production.

The reduction was great because, along with the scars, it felt like they were mine. I was very hypersexual when I was younger before I knew I was autistic and that featured my breasts significantly. Cleavage, posting nudes, etc. On top of the PTSD from CSA they were just tools. They didn't feel like they even belonged to me. The reduction was a choice, agency.

But, the surgeon fucked it up and I had healing complications and now they're growing. I'm afraid to get the full chop but I realized yesterday I feel just as disconnected from them as I did before the reduction so I might go through it anyway.

There are other things I just accepted like my proportions of having wide hips and shit.

But at the end of the day, physical presentation is only a small component of being nonbinary. A huge part is just how you feel. I feel like being nonbinary and identifying as such as like...survival. I mean nonbinary isn't even close to how I would actually describe my gender but there is no other way to bypass a mini-autobiography about being late diagnosed autistic and my CSA trauma and how it affects my internal concept of gender lol

But the identity, the label, I feel like it's survival because of the binary world we live in both from within the community and outside it. It's like an anchor. What we feel inside can be so difficult to conceptualize for other people but knowing we still have a place somewhere, there's a word for it so we can still connect with other people.

It also feels powerful, making an active choice to reject the binary and just living life and presenting however we want or feel comfortable. Whether that's a binary presentation or not, whatever that even means. It just feels like the ultimate rebellion to refuse and reject this dichotomy that the world has demanded for centuries. To opt out of those rules. To present in a binary way but knowing inside how we feel and there's a kind of confidence and power that comes from that.

No matter how other people perceive me I know who I am. It's something beyond my brain and body, it's just like this transcendent feeling inside my core.