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randomfoggytiger · 2 years

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The Mulder Family In-Depth (Part IV-1): The Death and Redemption of the Man Who "Threw In"

Bill Mulder: the man who bent. Anasazi brings up Bill's greatest fear and gives him a crushing death; essentially jumping him at his most vulnerable moment and stealing the near reconciliation he could have established with his son. But The Blessing Way opens a path for understanding, forgiveness, and hope.

Anasazi

Bill is putzing around when he hears the doorbell ring; and his shocked and appalled that it’s his old-buddy-ol’-pal Spender. Fear immediately blooms over his face.

His defensively-hushed “what are you doing here?” gives way to a pleading “We agreed that--” as his colleague metaphorically stomps on his coattails, preventing him from escaping this unplanned attack.

Bill spends the conversation face first in an alcohol glass (which CSM poured for him), hunched up and half-turned to flee whenever there may be an opening.

“No one was supposed to know. …The files should have been destroyed.”

Spender acknowledges his short comings; but immediately follows up by weaponizing Bill’s guilt against him: “Regret is an inevitable consequence in life.” He watches Bill lock up, stare deeper into his drink,

and pivot to his real fears hidden as dutiful concern: “How do you know my son has them?”

When CSM alludes to the informant’s capture and death, Bill’s face falls as he remembers similarly brutal measures the Consortium has done, the horrors of his past rushing back in one swift moment.

He conceals his dread with the veneer of being concerned for his own discovery, walking that thin line of not being found out by the opposition that is observing and cataloging his reactions (see Part II for a breakdown on this constant surveillance from his own colleagues while on past missions.)

Bill shakes off his mood to interrogate Spender about the stolen disc: “My name is on those files.”

When CSM mildly threatens-- “We endeavored to prevent that fact from ever coming to light” -- Bill’s face drops.

“You wouldn’t…”

“...harm him.” He looks down and away, but his intent is clear: he has no trust in Spender’s end goal; and is fearful for Mulder’s life.

All guises are dropped the moment his son’s safety is in question.

“I’ve protected him thus far, haven’t I?” provides Bill no comfort, and perhaps a greater increase in suspicion.

Bill looks down once his is given further reassurance on that score, now focusing on his son’s loss of respect and possible abhorrence over his past deeds. “But if he should… learn of my involvement?”

Here he is incredibly like Mulder when confronted with emotional or earth-shattering news. Especially in light of Tena and Mulder’s confrontation in Demons: Mulder avoided his mother’s gaze while accusing her of knowing more about Samantha’s abduction, only meeting her eyes when his suspicions gave way to compassion then anger; Tena, meanwhile, stared her son down and eventually exploded in anger, slapping him and storming out of the room. Bill Mulder looks down and away, angling his body as far away from Spender (and the situation) as he can, waiting to hear the verdict before looking the other man in the face.

Bill is further shaken by his former friend’s strong encouragement to “deny everything”;

knowing that one word has several meanings when it comes to Carl Spender. To take a step away from this advice, to stand on anything other than this mild direct order, would be to start something that could not possibly be swept under the rug again.

It would have to be dealt with to the bitter end, wherever that led him and his son.

He tenses and draws himself further up when CSM places a non-reassuring hand on his shoulder-; and tries to pathetically smile at his friend’s parting “You look well.”

Bill doesn’t even wait for CSM to leave the porch before crumpling onto his fist and dipping back into his glass. He seems to almost dissolve into intense tears; but pulls himself together with a muffled swallow.

The next scene with Bill is when he calls Mulder. He is still gripping his glass, is slightly unsteady on his feet, and his words are a touch slurred, indicating he hadn’t stopped drinking since CSM left that afternoon.

“Fox, this is your father. I need to see you right away.”

Mulder is surprised that his father reached out; but tries not to commit to a drive out to Bill’s.

“I’m at home-- how soon can you be here? Fox, it’s very important.”

Mulder gives in and drives up.

When his father opens the door, Mulder sticks his hand out, aloof and stung after their previous meeting. He is shocked and immediately concerned when Bill swallows him up in a hug:

Bill withdraws immediately at Mulder’s “What is it, Dad?”, disconcerted he’d acted so outwardly emotional.

He practically shoves his son into the house, trying to smile reassuringly. It’s only when Mulder isn’t looking that Bill’s fear and angst surface as he hastily closes the door behind them.

Bill tries to inadequately describe the emotions he felt at the time “decisions” had to be made-- how much clearer it is “now."

“It was so complicated then. The choices that had to be made.”

Mulder tries to divine coherency from his father’s half-statements-- “You’re smarter than I ever was.” “About what?”; but his frustration melts in the face of the other’s genuine distress.

“Your politics are yours,” Bill tells him proudly. “You’ve never… ‘thrown in’.”

His face hardens, reflecting his attitude and choices then: “The minute you do that, their doctrines become yours. And you can be held responsible.”

There is the crux of Bill Mulder-- while not condoning any of the Conspiracy, he “threw in”, ducking his head under a rock and allowing him to be tossed about by every whim of the Syndicate in a vain attempt to keep his and his family’s neck safe. None of that worked for him; and he secluded himself from everything after the divorce-- surprising his son when he calls, meeting up at Tena’s house instead of his (see here for an earlier breakdown of Colony/End Game), and keeping distance between himself and his past. A punishment in isolation-- seem familiar, Revival viewers?

Bill vaguely tells Mulder to listen for “the merchandise”, and that he’ll know what it means when the time comes. As the regrets and guilt climax,

Mulder leaps up to comfort him. Bill shuts down the opportunity for closer affection, blaming it on his medication--

and rushes off to the bathroom to pull himself together. Mulder is left, once again, in the cold.

Bill stares at himself deprecatingly, his self-protective nature flogging his emotionally vulnerable side for letting him get that close to tears.

Unfortunately for him, his time runs out before he can formulate the next step forward. Krycek pops out of the shower, shoots him, and makes a clean getaway.

Bill struggles to keep his eyes open (wanting to look into his son’s while delivering his last words) in vain, failing as he had everything else in his life:

“Forgive me.”

Mulder’s heightened distress at his death is barely manageable under Scully's direct orders (to get back to D.C.)

He leaves his father's body-- fevered, confused, and grieving.

End of Anasazi.

The Blessing Way

After Mulder is recovered by Albert Hosteen and his family, they stick him in a tent and try to pull him back from the brink with their Blessing Way ritual. While there, in a world between worlds, he is able to see his father for one last time (in a way reminiscent of Scully’s visitation in One Breath:

“Hello, Son. I did not dare hope to see you so soon. Nor ever again hope to broker fate with a life to which I gave life.”

At this, Mulder finally opens his eyes, and stares at his father. He is-- for the first time since his sister’s abduction and possibly the night of Bill’s death-- shown how loved he truly was all those years.

He passively listens as Bill-- freer in death than he could be in life-- expounds his sorrow over the lies he told: “...a pox and poison to my soul. And now you are here because of them. Lies I thought might bury forever a truth I could not live with. I stand here, ashamed, of the choices I’d made long ago-- when you were just a boy.”

“You are the memory, Fox. It lives in you. If you were to die now, the Truth will die. And only the lies survive us.”

Two things here:

Even in the afterlife, where human consciousness is not held back by little things like limited information, Bill lays claim to Mulder's heritage. True, in canon the question of paternity hadn't been raised; but it is either completely true, or Bill is still lying-- because of one more compounding issue (concerning Samantha.)

2. It seems that Bill is placing an enormous burden on his son; and he is, to an extent. However, two factors are at play: he is now in the afterlife, so any impure motivations would have (or should have, see below Samantha discussion) been shed with his death; and that Mulder responds immediately and positively to this quest from his father. Mulder is a man who needs to be driven by something: a man in search of the Truth-- whether it be his sister, the love found in another person (The Unnatural to Existence plotline), or a white whale or X-File. His drive and passion must be stoked, flaming his resolve and ability look boldly into the dark, find the light, and carry that torch with him for everyone to see. It's what makes him him; and at this point, he has lost that drive, swallowed up by apathy in the face of his father's developing transgressions and his own inability to fix and change those mistakes. By Bill owning his past-- truthfully revealing all that he was and is-- and showing his son how to fix the future (or fight it, as another Syndicate member tells Mulder in the movie), Bill gives his son the motivation to get back up and fight.

At this, Mulder finally tries (and succeeds) to speak a gentle question: “My sister… is she here?”

“No!” Bill emphatically replies.

(Looking at you, Chris Carter.)

THIS moment leaves sour implications no matter how you look at it. Either Bill is lying-- throwing everything he says here, his redemptive moment of complete honesty, into question and opening the door for him to have been clearly manipulative of his son by lying about his paternity and that the Truth can be shown "if, if, if"-- or he is telling the truth (which was this scene's intention from the start.) This means that Samantha isn't in the afterlife with her father.

So... where is she? Doomed to roam the heavens forever as stardust? Does that mean there are different afterlives for different people, based on their beliefs or preferences? That Bill joined the same one as Bill Scully, but that Samantha is stardust and Mulder is forever reincarnated until he gets his ending right? And can those souls meet at some point between reincarnation and travelling across the sky? Because the implication is that Bill didn't meet his daughter in the peaceful afterlife... so will she forever be trapped among the stars? (At the very least: the Mulder family seems to have a connection with starlight and the grand universe at large.)

Bill wraps it up with: “The thing that would destroy me… the truth I felt you must never learn… is the truth you will find if you are to go forward.”

Mulder slips out of this dream state soon after, picking up the torch his father wasn’t strong enough to carry and never faltering, despite the exposure of his father and country's appalling dealings and experiments with former Nazi party members. This last moment with Bill Mulder helped heal the festering wounds of the past and the sudden, ripping departure of his death. Bill, while not innocent, is forgiven by his son; and is able to at least be one good example for Mulder to live on with-- to never be the man who "threw in." And that, even if you falter from your intentions, you can still face them and set yourself free by doing the right thing: living by the truth. (See this analysis for Mulder's big slip up and redemption.)

Thank you for reading! Tena's part will be up soon. In the meantime--

Enjoy!

#txf #The Mulder Family In-Depth #Part IV #1 #analysis #The Death and Redemption of the Man Who “Threw In”#mine #x-files #the x-files #Bill Mulder #Tena #Teena Mulder #xfiles #meta

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raayllum · 2 years

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How do you think Callum will forgive Rayla? Like, in a given situation that will open his eyes about the way he truly feels about her and break that barrier of pride down because he still loves and wants her the same way she does to him, if not, more.

I think they'll have bits and pieces of reconciliation here and there, simply because the journey will make them have to work together and one of Rayla's main goals is still going to be protect him, if her promo art quote of "I'm going to keep you safe" is any indication (and a perfect quotation from her letter to him, as well)

Protecting each other in battle

Looking out for Ezran (and indeed Ezran revising his role as a bit of a peacemaker for the two of them, since I always hoped post-reunion Rayllum would have a bit of a 1x06 vibe anyway)

Still making each other / caring for each other after all this time. And they always will

Like I am on my hands and knees begging for another scene (perhaps one where Callum has his "What if I'm on a path of darkness?" quote) where he can't sleep, and Rayla goes after him. And at first he's like "I don't want to talk to you" but ends up confiding in her anyway.

Cause I do think a lot of his anger is about to be about that initial abandonment and how worried he was about her, but also wrestling with fears that she'll just up and leave again.

Cue Callum more or less forgiving her maybe a bit ahead of time but still holding her at a distance, or starting to process and let go but still needing a lot to be aired out / to let go of...

Then he thinks he's lost her, or has lost her (and has to get her back) and we complete the 2x07-TTM parallels perfectly with a follow up to

Only this time it's his turn to be saying it (or something / acting like it) to her. Him, for the first time maybe, asking her to stay with him

Not even getting to a "I forgive you" (although that too) or a "there's nothing to forgive" but "It doesn't matter" - I'd scream. But basically I think realizing he's losing her or could've lost her (even if it's just a fakeout) will be a big emotional turn for him in terms of like, them being able to move past what's happened, because that's been his biggest fear regarding the situation this whole time and

"I lost her once. I'm not going to lose her again."

#like please god #rayllum #predictions #s4 wishlist #s4 speculation #s4 spoilers #thanks for asking #arc 2 #reunion vibes #soulintheskies

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musings-of-a-lit-student · 1 year

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The Sheik: Part 6

Disclaimer: I don’t own Maus or any of Spiegelman’s work. I have attached the photos from the work itself, but do not claim to own the scanned version either. I highly recommend purchasing the book to support the original author. My thoughts do not represent the author's work and are merely my own interpretations.

Warning: MAUS is a graphic novel based on the author’s father’s experiences during the holocaust and includes anecdotes and scenes including violence, blood which may be considered triggering.

Introduction: The work MAUS by Art Spiegelman is a novel that tells the story of Vladek Spiegelman and his experiences during the holocaust using an allegory and parallel storylines to depict the Vladek's past and Artie's present as he hears the story from his father. This work includes an autobiographical and biographical element due to the inclusion of two main characters - Vladek and Artie. Spiegelman makes the decision to introduce himself as a character in the work as a mouthpiece for himself.

Main Characters: Artie: The author Vladek: Artie's father Anja: Artie's mother Mala: Vladek's second wife Françoise: Artie's wife

Navigation ->The Sheik Masterlist -> Previous Part

MAUS by Art Spiegelman

Points of Interest:

Proximity of phone

The presence of an old phone in the start is prominent, and by placing Vladek at the background in the first panel. Then as he comes closer to the phone, Spiegelman shows the movement and the abandoned book in the background of later panels to emphasise on Anja's position as a priority in Vladek's life. This elevates her further, and assists Vladek in placing her on a pedestal. As Vladek looks at the telephone, Spiegelman creates a sense of anticipation and a tentative atmosphere. The third panel zooms in to reestablish the focus on Vladek as the protagonist and his reaction.

Jagged line

Despite this fight between Vladek and Anja, we see that Spiegelman presents them in sync. When they have a jagged line cutting them apart to represent the rift between them, they continue to look at each other. This representation of a fight is different than the ones with Lucia, where during the fights they were always changing directions. Hence Spiegelman presents the strength of their chemistry regardless of their emotional state.

Flowers

In a sign of apology, Vladek is seen carrying flowers although this detail isn't mentioned. Spiegelman continues to show Anja putting the flower away in a vase, and to me they end up symbolising the acceptance of his apology even before physically doing so. Flowers here denote the romance and love between them.

Bridged Gap

Vladek keeps moving forward and approaches Anja over a series of 4 panels. This creates a sense of reconciliation and addresses the rift between them. His slow movement, creates a sense of fluidity and expertise at coaxing Anja out of her anger.

Mother peeking

A small detail which is not fully addressed is Anja's mother watching them from the corner of the panel. A cute point which shows the involvement of the parents in the process of their relationship. Given Vladek previously mentions Anja's parent's worry at her singlehood, Artie presents their worry manifesting through his art.

Shaken Panel

The third panel in a line is shaken off path and presents Anja's emotional and mental turmoil. Spiegelman uses a similar structure in chapter 2 and it will be brought up then, however the mirroring of structure for Anja's voice is something unconventional. Especially with the knowledge of Anja's death, since it means Anja's perspective is not shared with Spiegelman and he is taking the liberty to present his own interpretation of her mental state.

Throwback to the previous page

In the previous part we had seen Vladek's interruption pause the celebration of the story. This is now resumed by Spiegelman since the image is a recreation of the celebration where everyone is wearing the same clothes and location, but the turkey is only bones. This creates a sense of resuming the happy ending that Lucia was an obstacle for. This is used by Spiegelman to create a sense of overarching control over the storyline and its depiction.

Next Part

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asterroses · 3 months

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458 Nightshade? or really just anyone you wanna answer them for 👀

i kept misreading this like "oooo 4 hundred yayyy" LSJDLSKDLS OOPS i'll answer for miss nightshade !

4. Does your OC have a failed friendship or relationship they still think about? What happened? Is it an unresolved regret or is there a chance for reconciliation?

haha . hehe . teehee . ummm her relationship with her brother hyacinth is her most failed relationship ever . and it was failed since the start of his life . so sylvari are born from pods , which before they emerge they can be gifted with something called a "wyld hunt" , which is just like . a Big Event in their life that they have to Complete , from the pale tree . nightshade emerged 5 minutes before hyacinth , and he got the wyld hunt . she did not . she felt she was entitled to it ; as the eldest , as someone who is equipped for something so dangerous . truthfully the pale tree didn't help their relationship , she kind of just let nightshade's anger fester and hyacinth's annoyance grow . so indirectly , pitting them against one another - hyacinth in proving himself to be "worthy" , nightshade proving herself to be "better" . it kind of comes to a head post heart of thorns , pre living world season 3 , in which they get into an actual physical altercation , and both ending up w scars to prove it . meaning - they stabbed each other lolol there is a slight chance for reconciliation , but i would have to play further past path of fire to figure out where to place it and how it exactly happens . but theres a sliver of a chance , and she is not once to miss her chances ,

5. Does your OC have a signature weapon and/or attack? How long did they train to master it?

this question is so fun cus she's a guild wars 2 commander TEEHEE so her main weapon sets are a staff , which is two handed , and dual swords ! she's mastered the staff since the start , its mostly her relying on her blind-folded instincts and where she hears their footsteps . a lot of shoulder muscle was built up . truthfully i dont think she really Learnt it from anywhere , it was kind of just an instinct for her . recently started using dual swords , and she relies a LOT on her mist mentors [she is a class called "revenant" , which has attacks fuelled by those from the mists] so she is still learning those , and still mastering it . and so am i i keep getting my ass FLATTENED

8. What was your OC's most embarrassing moment? Does it still bother them or are they able to shrug it off?

when she got thrown off a cliff getting a hero point . no thats just me being bad at the game . UM truthfully i think she considers her "embarrassing moments" to be those where she thinks shes failed . like failing to kill an enemy before they down her , failing to stop someone from rushing into something head first without thinking , things like that . altho really it was when she blindly walked in the middle of a river without realizing when she was learning how to communicate with her mist mentors , and while having a blindfold on to help her focus . she never talks about that with anyone

bonus nightshade screenie :]

#HOPEFULLY I ANSWERED THESE RIGHT ? ? ? i love nightshade sm . i recently rerolled her into a revenant and ive been having FUN #so she looks slightly different from this screenshot but similar enough that its not a big change :]#her n hyacinth's relationship is so . Tricky . bcus they r both So Fucked Up from the weight of living up to the pale tree's expectations #asks #oc asks #nightshade #oc tag #mutuals ✨#noe tag #im . so sorry this is so long . i am a rambler at heart

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snarkywrites · 3 years

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October Horoscopes: Diplomatic Territory

A big month for Cardinal signs as many planets are going direct. On the 6th of October, two major transits are going to rock their world; both the New Moon in Libra and Pluto stationing direct will happen on this day. This is an energy that will have us all battling with power and authority, but the New Moon in Libra will have us opting to be more diplomatic to climb the professional ladder with grace. The people we meet during this time can inspire and motivate us to do more if we are not content. Venus enters fiery Sagittarius on the 7th, bringing a burst of energy into our lives to spice things up. Saturn will be direct on the 10th, and Fixed Signs are going to feel like the marathon race is almost over. Things become clearer as Saturn teaches us all to restructure to prosper. On the 18th, Jupiter and Mercury are going direct and this will initiate a new chapter. Jupiter will be in Aquarius for a few more months before we experience the Pisces period once more. When the Full Moon in Aries graces us on the 20th, it will be a good and meaningful way to close a cycle that we initiated 6 months ago. Think about what projects you started then and how they are now. Scorpio Season begins on the 23rd. Powerful Mars will enter Scorpio on the 30th and this transit is going to serve as a wakeup call for many of us. Mars is finally in its domicile, allowing us to act and fight for our place without fears. The only drawback will be the Square this planet will face with Saturn and Jupiter. We can also feel frustration once this planet opposed Uranus. Either way, it kicks off a time where we start to move ahead confidently.

Aries – The month begins with the New Moon in Libra on the 6th making you consider your status in the world and how others view you. Mercury is currently retrograde so you can expect a blast from the past regarding relationships. One of the more important transits is Pluto finally going direct on the 6th. This can be a time of restructuring your views in your organization. The dynamics you have with bosses now can be significant and anything you have been questioning will come to light now. Venus enters Sagittarius on the 7th, a good boost to your confidence with this transit and the perfect time to begin reflecting on where you see yourself in the next few years. The Full Moon in Aries on the 20th is going to make you prioritize yourself and needs since it’s in your sign. Your ego takes center stage as well as the direction you have carefully thought of. Your ruler, Mars will enter Scorpio on the 30th allowing you to ask questions and face any fears you have.

Taurus – Your ruler, Venus opens the month with a New Moon in Libra on the 6th, a reminder to switch up your routines if things are not working the way you expect them to. Pluto is going direct on the same day and this transit has contributed to your own spiritual growth. See where you are now and compare it to where you were in April of this year. A transit that will have a great impact for you is Saturn finally going direct on the 10th stimulating some new events for your career or educational life. You will find completing tasks now is not as frustrating since Jupiter will be direct on the 18th. Expect superiors to take notice of the work you have put into your projects. The Sun enters Scorpio on the 23rd, a new time to focus on relationships for the next month. Mars enters Scorpio on the 30th; try not to lose your cool with your romantic partners or friends.

Gemini – You will be thankful for the New Moon in Libra on the 6th, opportunities arise that are going to make you more creative and emotionally aware of what you seek in relationships. Venus enters Sagittarius on the 7th, another influence on romance and self-discovery. You can meet new people or strengthen the bonds of your current relationships. Saturn goes direct on the 10th, bringing more confidence with your ideologies during this time. Matters relating to research become easier to manage especially once Jupiter goes direct on the 18th. Mercury also goes direct on the same day, and you will be appreciative that the retrograde comes to a close, even if you might be surrounded by much excitement. The Full Moon in Aries on the 20th, will allow you to reconnect with friends and to end some close friendships that are no longer serving you.

Cancer – Focus on your inner world and how to make it livelier with the New Moon in Libra on the 6th. You will have plenty of opportunities to initiate new projects that are going to impact your career in the next six months, just wait for Mercury to go direct. On the 6th, Pluto is also going direct and any tensions you have felt with your relationships will be healed, for now. Communicating your needs to people will allow you to move forward and let go of any grudges. The Full Moon in Aries on the 20th sets the stage for your career goals and the accomplishments you have done all year long. Expect to receive recognition and honors, as bosses or professors congratulate you for a job well done. The Sun enters Scorpio on the 23rd, initiating a month of excitement and joy. Confidence levels rise for you, and it will be noticeable in your relationships. Mars enters Scorpio on the 30th, another big transit that will keep you focused and energized if you needed the boost.

Leo – Communication takes a big role this month. Venus will enter Sagittarius on the 7th, a great time to feel radiant and adventurous. As a fire sign, this transit will rock your world for the next month. On the 10th, Saturn will go direct, and this proves to be a positive time with partners and friends. You can have better communication and with Jupiter going direct on the 18th, you will feel a lot more willing to bond and spend more time together with those you love. Mercury will be direct on the 18th; this transit will allow you to finalize whatever projects you needed to rework, and you can bring more powerful expression to your communication. The Full Moon in Aries on the 20th is a time filled with nostalgia and analyzing where you were six months ago. Now is the time to compare if you are on your designated path or if you need to make changes. The Sun enters Scorpio on the 23rd, shifting the focus to the home front. Mars enters Scorpio on the 30th, a time where you might even consider some new renovations. If you feel anger levels rising, focus on an activity that brings you peace.

Virgo – Who you are will come to light this month. The New Moon in Libra on the 6th will be a good period to initiate a cycle regarding enforcing your sense of confidence and independence. Another good transit for self-empowerment is Pluto going direct on that same day. You know what you want in relationships and will not be afraid to go after it. Tensions at work begin to ease with Saturn going direct on the 10th and Jupiter following suit on the 18th. You can feel like you can breathe just a little bit now as things cool off and you are able to outshine and outperform colleagues. Need some excitement in your life? Well, good thing that the Sun enters Scorpio on the 23rd and Mars enters the same sign on the 30th. These transits are going to have people reach out and you can expect to have the support you need from friends.

Libra – Power struggles begin to ease for you this month. Things kick off with the New Moon in your sign on the 6th and Pluto going direct on the same day. Prioritize yourself, learn your surroundings and make sure to be on friendly terms with authority figures during this time. Things begin to feel a lot more doable, and your confidence levels build thanks to Mars currently in your sign. Saturn goes direct on the 10th, so if you have felt a little bored, you can expect your social life to pick up, thanks to Jupiter also going direct on the 18th. On that same day, Mercury is also direct, so the frustrating periods you have experienced in the last three weeks will conclude. Communicating with others begins to get easier. The Full Moon in Aries on the 20th will expand on your relationships once more, as you consider having deeper conversations with friends or partners to clear the air and move forward. The Sun enters Scorpio on the 23rd and Mars enters Scorpio on the 30th. These are both positive transits for you since you are going to be focused on your earning abilities. Just make sure not to go overboard with the spending and to remember to have some fun when you feel burnt out from all your responsibilities.

Scorpio – This month is going to focus on you and the path you are going to want for the future. October 6th will have the New Moon in Libra and it will have you diving into your psyche to find some answers for the next six months. You are in for a ride, especially with Pluto, your ruler also going direct on the 6th which will empower you to be more focused and driven regarding career goals. Saturn will be direct on the 10th, which can have some matters relating to home be resolved. If you were planning on making a move, this time around it might be easier. Jupiter will also be direct beginning on the 18th, a great time to set your sights on expanding a new room at your home or welcoming some family members. During this time, you can be more social and welcoming. Full Moon in Aries on the 20th can bring you magic and new perspectives that will make work or school easier to handle. We welcome Scorpio season on the 23rd, a good time to focus more on yourself for the next month and to treat yourself. Mars, also enters your sign on the 30th, if you have lacked focus and motivation, you can see things move in a new direction.

Sagittarius – Friendships take center stage this month, especially with the New Moon in Libra on the 6th, showing you that there is power in reconciliation. Pluto goes direct on the same day, and this transit shows where you need to be more patient with yourself. Don’t let the frustrating periods get to you but learn to work with obstacles in a constructive way. Venus enters your sign on the 7th, a time where you can feel radiant, confident, and empowered. This time around, you will notice your magnetism impact others. Saturn goes direct on the 10th, a time where you can also appreciate just how much you have grown regarding your connections with others. You have matured a lot and others will begin to take notice. Jupiter goes direct on the 18th; a period of growth and expansion begins now until the end of the year. If you needed to edit a project, now is your time to do it. Jupiter provides guidance and insight. Mercury will go direct on the 18th, so you can utilize this transit to clear the air of there have been tensions in your social circles. The Full Moon in Aries will be on the 20th, a time where you reflect more on relationships and friendships.

Capricorn – Kick off some major changes this October with the New Moon in Libra on the 6th and Pluto going direct on the same day. Ask yourself if you are where you have envisioned and if you aren’t, the New Moon will allow you to initiate a new game plan. Saturn, your ruler, will be direct beginning on the 10th, showing you the results of being patient and responsible regarding your spending habits. Jupiter will be direct on the 18th, providing you with a little relief, if you felt like the expenses were beginning to pile on up. A major transit that has been causing some mayhem is Mercury Retrograde which will be over on the 18th. You can get back to business and with a fresh perspective. The Full Moon in Aries on the 20th brings your focus back to home. Are you balancing work with down time? Or are you overworking yourself? The Full Moon allows you to have some time to yourself.

Aquarius – We are all looking forward to the New Moon in Libra on the 6th, which will have a positive impact on your sign. You can feel a lot more optimistic about the months ahead, as this transit equips you with knowledge and personal growth for the next six months. Pluto also goes direct on the same day, and you can finally move on from a memory that had some hold on you. Time to move ahead with Saturn going direct on the 10th, bringing you more lessons to learn and more self-evolution. On the 18th, Jupiter will also go direct, supplying you with more of that confidence and positive energy that the New Moon has given you. You can finally get back to work on your plans when Mercury goes direct on the 18th, a period where you can start new projects. On the 20th, the Full Moon in Aries will bring you more perspective to what those plans and projects should be. As the Sun moves into the sign of Scorpio on the 23rd, you prepare for new things to come in your career for the next month. Mars also enters Scorpio on the 30th, adding ambition and drive to your career as well.

Pisces – One of the challenges for you this month will be the New Moon in Libra on the 6th. It can feel rough at first, but this transit is about moving on and facing your fears with strength and courage in yourself. Pluto goes direct on the same day, so you will see more fluctuations in your inner circle. A transit that you will look forward to is Venus in Sagittarius, which is going to make you step your game up regarding your career. Set your sights high because you will have everyone’s favor around this time. Saturn goes Direct on the 10th, providing you clarity and fortitude to heal emotionally. Jupiter direct on the 18th, will bring spiritual healing and inner trust. Mercury goes direct on the 18th, a good time to handle debts and read up on ways to save financially. The Full Moon in Aries on the 20th, will carry some of those themes from the Mercury retrograde, save and don’t spend as much. Sun entering the fellow Water sign Scorpio on the 23rd, a month-long transit that is going to bring new perspectives, empowerment, and courage. Mars follows the Sun on the 30th, also in the sign of Scorpio, building your courage and allowing you to prosper even when you might feel your weakest.

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theravennest · 3 years

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Let’s Talk About Shang Chi...

I just got back from seeing Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. I had a great time with it. Just a lovely experience.

The fights were dope. The music was rocking. The actors’ performances really sold me on everything. I loved all the Xianxia elements. Y’all know fantasy worlds are my JAM!

But it was the characters that really drew me in. Every one of them were pitch perfect for me. The final act got a little jumbled, imo, but the characters and their dynamics were so good that it was enough for me to completely forgive and overlook the somewhat messy final battle.

The story had a lot of heart. It was so personal and so anchored in real emotions. I highkey fell in love with all the main characters. I love their journeys and their complex and grounded relationships with each other. I really liked the movie’s examination of grief, loss, and pain and the lengths people will go to in the wake of being overwhelmed by those feelings.

Let’s dig into it! This is gonna be a whole discombobulated mess, I just know it. lmao

***Spoilers below the cut!***

I really felt for Shang Chi, Xialing, and Wenwu struggling to figure out how to be a family again after they were all broken in different ways by the loss of Mama Ying Li. And each one of them trying in their own way to heal from it, some to extremely destructive degrees.

How Wenwu treated his kids after being consumed by grief and violence was so utterly messed up but in two completely different ways.

He treated Xialing like she was anathema, like she was literally nothing. Even when they were older and she had grown into an adult, he barely spoke to her in the entirety of the movie, could hardly even look at her. Partially because she looked like her mom and he retreated utterly from the pain of that, and partially because he constantly underestimated her in favor of her brother. This, of course, seeded the resentful tension between Xialing and Shang Chi from the start.

I’m a real sucker for sibling dynamics, as you all know. They’re my favorite types of family-oriented stories. (Side note, I really love the way the MCU has dedicated several stories to sibling relationships. It’s like my favorite thing in the MCU as a whole.)

I completely ate up the harsh and tricky relationship between Xialing and Shang Chi. Shang Chi completely let her down when they were kids, for her POV. (Not really his fault, he was a scared and traumatized 15 year old. Totally understandable.) But there is something to be said about the fact that she was also a child. A child dealing with her mom’s death too AND her dad’s aloofness. Then she was utterly abandoned by her brother. It’s no wonder she never quite forgives him, even though they mostly team up in the movie. They still have a lot to work out between them.

I really loved that she took on leadership of the Ten Rings at the end. The moment Shang Chi said she was “dismantling” their dad’s empire, I knew what was up. Though, the softy in me does hope that eventually they can find true reconciliation between them. I’m excited to see what we’ll see from her in future movies as a potential enemy of Shang Chi. It’ll be really interesting to see how Shang Chi tackles having to go up against his little sister.

And Shang Chi!!! OMG! Let’s talk Shang Chi and Wenwu now. When Wenwu drop kicked him into the ground and started the blame game for Mama Ying Li’s death like bro!!! I was so heated. He was 7 years old. A whole baby! She died because your thousand years of violence and conquering shit finally came home to roost.

But that one line when Wenwu said Shang Chi’s 7 year old self “just stood there and watched” while his mom was killed actually revealed so much about Wenwu’s character. (The cutting way Tony Leung, a literal legend, delivered that was masterful, btw.)

I actually think that it was the first time Wenwu has ever verbalized that he blamed Shang Chi for Ying Li’s death. Like maybe he’s always felt that way and all this time he was partially punishing Shang Chi for what he thinks of as a failure to protect or help the woman who meant so much to them.

Like, yes, he was training Shang Chi to take his place with him in the Ten Rings as an assassin but maybe he also wanted Shang Chi to kill his mom’s murderer as penance for letting her die in the first place.

Of course, it’s clear to see that Wenwu was absolutely shifting his own feelings of conflicting guilt onto his kids. Guilt that his past as a warlord is what got her killed. But also guilt that he put down the Ten Rings in the first place when if he had stayed a warlord, this never would have happened. But also the bone deep knowledge that if he hadn’t put down the Rings, Ying Li might never have stayed with him and loved him in the first place.

When Shang Chi threw it back at him that Ying Li probably wouldn’t love the person Wenwu had returned to, Wenwu looked so shook up. Phew! Perfect emoting from Tony Leung in that moment.

Honestly, Wenwu was having a very tragic and confusing time of it in this movie. Which is probably how that creature from beyond was able to find a crack in his psychic defenses and lure him to the gate. I had a lot of empathy for him even though I disagree so much with what he did to his kids, emotionally.

I really respect the fact that the movie never lost that sense of compassion for all of their feelings including Wenwu. I also respect that the movie really gave them space to grieve not just the loss of Ying Li but also the resulting dissolution of their happy family.

It’s just too bad that Wenwu’s grief made him push his kids away instead of pulling them closer. He completely emotionally abandoned them. A thousand years of power and supremacy yet he was broken because he never in that time fully learned how to process his emotions in a healthier way and his kids paid the price. They could’ve leaned on each other and on the love they found with Ying Li to help them get through but alas that’s the tragedy of the movie.

I really wanted somehow for Shang Chi to make it through to his dad before he went too far to come back again. I genuinely did not want to see Wenwu die at the end. I wanted him to live and see Shang Chi’s changing dynamic with his father continue. I wanted to see him finally acknowledge his daughter as his true heir and see her accomplishments (dark though they will likely become considering the “softer” version of her is the one that ran an illegal fight club in Macao lmao).

Though I am happy Shang Chi got through to him enough at the end for Wenwu to save Shang Chi’s life, willingly pass the rings onto his son, and somewhat accept his own death after a thousand years of life. That was such a poignant moment between them. And I wonder if in that instant, Wenwu had the thought that in dying he’d at least see Ying Li again.

(Side note: I really hope his soul and the souls of everyone that got eaten were freed when Shang Chi killed the monster. I really want them to be able to move on to the next phase of existence. I really hope they weren’t destroyed after being eaten. I want Wenwu to reunite with Ying Li even in the afterlife, gotdamnit! Sue me, I’m a romantic.)

Let’s talk Simu Liu’s performance here for one second. He was incredible throughout. I completely bought into this strange but so real feeling that while he has a lot of anger towards his father, so much hurt, he also felt a lot of heartache and love for who Shang Chi wanted him to be. And the strange desire to want to help a man who emotionally scarred him so badly.

Simu really brought both sides of Shang Chi’s journey to life. Like, he was tying to find his own path, reconcile with the mistakes he’s made in the past (his sister, killing his mom’s murderer), and facing up against his father’s ideals and expectations. But there was also a side of Shang Chi’s journey that was about finally understand both his sister and his father’s point of views, and of learning/embracing his mother’s history.

That moment by the lake when he revealed to Katy that he had actually killed the man who killed his mother. Whew boy! The emotions were so poignant. Simu Liu played it like *chef’s kiss* beautiful.

Speaking of character choices, I really rate this decision to have him actually go through with the assassination. It puts Shang Chi in an interesting position emotionally and somewhat morally. Instead of having his breaking point be him unable to kill as his father wishes, it’s instead the feeling of guilt and shame that he actually did kill the man.

I wonder if he felt a sense of satisfaction before the disgust and shame settled in. Because Shang Chi literally watched his mom die, he probably initially wanted to help his father hunt down the man because of that bit of dark need for vengeance. Until he got it, and felt ashamed to fully face his mother’s memory afterwards.

I’m interested to see how future Shang Chi movies and Simu will dig into and unpack that little bit of darkness these events instilled in the character.

Let’s talk Ying Li for a second here. This woman was incredible. An incredible martial artist, for sure, a mystical guardian and warrior...but she was also just an incredible person in general. Mama Ying Li was so self-assured, so steadfast in her convictions. She struck me as someone who knows exactly what she wants and is never afraid to reach for it.

Fala Chen portrayed her with such grace, warmth, and strength of character. It was extremely easy to see why Wenwu fell in love with her. She met Wenwu, a literal thousand year old warlord, and through shear strength of character led him to put down his weapons and his empire to make a home with her.

This man threw away his entire shadow army of assassins, threw away his whole plan to literally demolish her village in the pursuit of power...in order to play Dance Dance Revolution with her and their kids. (The highlight of their romance and the family flashbacks, for me, tbh.)

And I know it’s not necessarily...positive BUT there is something...hmmmm, crunchy in the fact that Ying Li so completely altered Wenwu’s life by simply loving him that when she died he was willing to raze the whole world to get her back, damn the consequences.

Trying to properly explore toxic and negative turns in previously loving family dynamics is such a difficult task to take on. I really liked the complexity of the Xu family. All the actors really sold the family side of things. It was an almost tangible thing how much you could see how the love they felt had turned bitter and painful over the years.

The final battle was epic and mind blowing (There was a fucking DRAGON flying around for gods’ sake!) but I do wish it had stayed a little more grounded for longer in the beginning of it when the Ten Rings were fighting the Ta Lo warriors. I wanted to see more of that fight before they had the turn to becoming temporary allies against the soul suckers. It became a little too much of a CGI mash, for me, in some parts of it.

Still, the emotional beats held and the core of the story of this grieving family trying to hold on to the tatters of their world stayed consistent even through the final battle. I can forgive a lot because of the strong sense of character and connection there.

Plus, it’s a comic book movie. Spectacle is the name of the game and at least this one had cool fantasy beasts and dope fight choreo.

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. Let’s wrap it up here. Suffice it to say, I had a wonderful time with this movie. I’m ready for the next one!

#shang chi #shang chi and the legend of the ten rings #mcu #xu shang-chi #simu liu #tony leung #xu wenwu #meng'er zhang #xu xialing #ying li #fala chen #mcu spoilers #shang chi spoilers #liveblogging

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theyilinglaozus · 3 years

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Thinking abt the fact that, in the drama, Jiang chengs first words were "go and die, wei wuxian" in Ep 1 and his last words were "take care of yourself" to wei wuxian in Ep 50 🥺🥺

I gotta admit anon, when I woke up and checked tumblr this morning before going to work, I did not expect to be hit so hard with Yunmeng brothers' feelings. Oof, that was a surprise! 😂😭

I'd never thought of that before though! I often get emotional over Jiang Cheng's 'take care' at the end (whilst also feeling myself nodding along with Jin Ling and being like 'you idiot you love him and you finally have your brother back after all these years! The two of you need to start the healing process of your shared grief and discover what your relationship will shape as now that you're two very different people from whom you used to be'). But gosh, the go and die really does hit differently when you put into perspective that it's the first instance we see both the characters and we have no idea what led them to this scenario.

It's honestly so interesting too, because when you first start the show you truly think that Jiang Cheng hates Wei Wuxian for some reason. But then you have the time jump into the past and you realize that's actually the farthest thing from the truth, and that for a long time it was the two of them against the world. The Yunmeng heroes. Two brothers who both vow to never part.

And then tragedy strikes. And as. the story starts unraveling more and more you see what the path was, and realize it was never as simple as Jiang Cheng hating Wei Wuxian, but rather Jiang Cheng not knowing what to do. He was young, leading a sect suddenly after the death of his parents, and had just lost his sister and was fearing for his brother. Add on that the trauma of war and well - it's no wonder he grew cold! He was afraid to lose any more people in his life: and for a long time, all he had left was Jin Ling.

It's why I truly love reading Yunmeng reconciliation fics. Especially the ones where the reconciliation is messy; because there's still a lot of anger, a lot of betrayal, a lot of fear and hesitancy. They are never going to go back to what they were before, it's just not possible. Neither of them fit into the molds of who they used to be, and it would be disrespectful to both of them to ignore all that had led them to their current versions of themselves. But ... they can be something different. Maybe, one day, they can become something better - a brothership that has a little more trust involved, a little more openness. Maybe not. But the potential is there.

#anonymous #replies #wei wuxian #jiang cheng

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maria-scribbles · 4 years

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loyalty’s all i got | part two

three years ago, you had it all: great friends, good grades, and an almost perfect relationship with your boyfriend, jj. it all came crashing down when your mom relocated your family to california for work and you were forced to trade the outer banks for malibu, leaving your broken heart behind in the place you were just starting to think of as home. now you're back in town for college and to pick up the pieces, hoping to make things right again with your friends and the boy you never stopped loving.

word count: 8.6k+

ship: jj maybank x female!reader, pogue friendship

warnings n stuff: angst angst angst all around (with a happy ending tho!!), the reader being a v. sad girl, mentions of anxiety/depression, failed long distance relationship, drifting apart, self-inflicted loneliness/isolation, the classic trope of 'they broke up but they're still in love with each other' that gives me feels, swearing (it's not my writing unless someone says 'fuck' at least once), reconciliation/mended relationships, traditional cheesy rom-com rain scene 'cause i'm a Dramatic Hoe™

a/n: and here's the second and final part of this looooong two-shot! thank you all so much for reading and i hope you enjoy the finale even though i low key kind of hate it 🙃. fun fact: surfrider beach is a real place in malibu known for its great waves :) also i apologize for how long this took to post, i dropped my laptop and the screen broke so i had to wait for it to get fixed lmao. unbetaed as usual, any mistakes are my b.

~masterlist~

part two: like a ghost that no one knew

When you said goodbye to your friends three years ago, you should've known things would never be the same again. You were sixteen, still so young and naïve and full of an almost childlike hope that kept you from seeing the obvious: life wasn't fair. Sometimes, you could be holding all the right cards and still lose the game.

It should've been easy. You had a video chat schedule already figured out, promises of daily texts and Snapchats, a boyfriend willing -enthusiastically willing, in fact- to go long distance and make it work no matter what 'cause you both agreed that what you had was something worth fighting for. You and your friends had weathered many storms together, what was one more? It could've been easy but you underestimated just how cruel California would be.

You traded one coast for the other and watched the sun set over the Pacific alone when you would've given anything to watch it rise over the Atlantic with your friends. It hurt to surf solo but you did it anyway, even though it felt like a damn sucker punch each time you caught yourself scanning the sand for JJ and his proud smile when you successfully caught bigger and bigger waves at Surfrider Beach.

Long distance was hard. You had days where all you wanted to do was lay on your bed for hours, safely curled up in his arms as he ran his fingers through your hair but you had to settle for his voice over the phone and one of his shirts from your closet instead. You missed everything about him: his pretty eyes that looked like the clearest ocean, the cheeky grin he'd send your way after making a stupid joke that had you affectionately rolling your eyes in exasperation, that adorable flush that spread across his face without fail each and every time you said you loved him. You longed for his constant affection; the way he always wanted to keep you close somehow, his arm around your shoulders, hand in your back pocket, or fingers entwined with yours; how he could never go a day without kissing you. Being apart was nothing short of torture.

"I fucking miss you." He said late one night during a rare FaceTime session -his phone was a piece of shit so he had to 'borrow' John B's whenever he could- and you smiled despite the knife twisting itself deeper and deeper into your heart as you played with the fraying sleeve of his old sweatshirt you wore.

"I fucking miss you more, J." You whispered back, giggling quietly when he scrunched up his nose in playful skepticism.

"Yeah, I don't think so, babe. There's no way."

"Yes, way!"

Although it hurt like hell, you imagined being tangled up with him in the hammock hanging in the Chateau's yard under the North Carolina sky -the light from the moon would turn his blond hair a pale silver as he grinned down at you and cupped your cheek in his hand, closing that final distance between you for a kiss that'd fuel the fire racing through your veins- and you let that fleeting happiness carry you through the night, long after you said goodbye. You fell asleep with your phone in your hand, unaware that your mother had been listening from the other side of your closed door.

You'd been distant from her and your dad in the months since the move, obviously going out of your way to avoid them both by spending all your spare time surfing at the beach, coming home well past sunset and heading straight to your room without a word. They'd taught you forgiveness wasn't something to be given willingly -it had to be earned- and since neither of them had done anything worthy to deserve an absolution, you simply pretended they didn't exist and let yourself stew in your justified anger.

Until the morning after your video date with JJ, they'd wisely given you your space so you were pretty blind sighted to find them both waiting for you at the dining room table, one of your dad's famous cinnamon rolls on a plate set in front of your usual chair. You paused in the middle of tying one of your boyfriend's worn bandanas in your hair before abruptly continuing toward the front door, acting like you didn't see the hopeful looks on their faces that made guilt slowly start to burrow its way into your chest.

"Y/N, wait," Your dad sprung from his seat and reached his hand out toward your elbow, his face falling when you instantly pulled back and crossed your arms. "Please, let's just talk for a second."

"I'm gonna be late for the bus," You lied and tried for the door again, sighing in frustration when he blocked your path and ushered you toward the table where your mom was sitting, biting her thumbnail. The guilt burrowed deeper: you thought she kicked that habit years ago but there she was, chewing her nail to shreds and it was all because of you (the empty satisfaction you felt knowing you were the cause of her stress made you hate yourself just a little more.).

"Jellybean, don't worry about that. I'll drive you."

You bristled at the old nickname but sat in the chair your dad pulled out for you anyway. The smell of the cinnamon roll he pushed your way made your mouth water but you refused to eat and kept your eyes down as you played with the stack of bracelets adorning your wrist. "You wanted to talk?" You asked, deciding to just rip the band-aid off all at once 'cause knowing your mom when she was anxious and your dad being allergic to any type of confrontation, you'd have sat there all day until one of them worked up the courage to speak.

"Talk, right." Bill said with a nervous chuckle, shaking his head as he took a seat and swiped his own cinnamon roll from the pan in the middle of the table. "Uh, how are you?"

"Are you serious right now?" You asked incredulously, looking up from your lap with a raised eyebrow. "All this for 'how are you?'"

"How would we know?" Your mom finally spoke up as she pulled her ruined nail from her mouth, only to start instantly drumming her fingers on the table. "You're always holed up in your room or at the beach, Y/N. You never talk to us anymore."

You rolled your eyes before fixing her with a deadpan stare. "Hmm, I wonder why."

"Honey, you know I'm sorry-"

"Don't, okay? Just don't." You swallowed thickly and dumped the cinnamon roll back into the pan, blinking away the awful burning pressure building behind your eyes. "I can't listen to some half-assed apology that you don't mean!"

"Y/N, we are sorry. Everything's gonna get better, just give it time." Your dad's reply was muffled by a mouthful of pastry and any other time, you'd usually be laughing at his chipmunk cheeks but instead you just stared back down at your hands again, lip quivering as you tried and failed to hold yourself together. You would not cry. You would not cry. You would not-

"Please, honey." Your mom tentatively reached out one hand like she was approaching a wounded animal, her voice so soft you could barely hear it above the rush of blood in your ears. "It hurts us to see you like this-"

Oh, fuck this shit.

"You're hurt?! Are you kidding me?" Your chair scraped along the tile as you rocketed to your feet, vision blurring when the dam finally broke. "You promised we wouldn't move again until after I graduated and you broke that promise. I let myself make friends for once in my goddamn life -I fucking fell in love, Mom! I fell in love with the most amazing boy who, by some miracle loves me, too despite me being a...a complete loser!" You were rambling now but you couldn't find it in yourself to care about or stop the words flying from your mouth.

"God, I was happy -so, so disgustingly happy it kind of scared me, okay?" You laughed bitterly and roughly wiped the tears from your cheeks, only to have more immediately take their place. "And you didn't even stop to think before you took it all away from me! So don't even talk to me about being hurt 'cause you have no fucking idea!"

Your dad was frozen, eyes the same color as your own blown impossibly wide in the middle of another bite of cinnamon roll while your mom, two tears streaking perfect twin tracks down her cheeks, looked at you like you'd just told her the world was ending -to her, it just might've been but to you, it already had. Neither of them said another word as you snatched your backpack off the couch and stormed from the house, slamming the door behind you.

Halfway to the bus stop, you decided school just wasn't in the cards that day and doubled back, hiding behind the shed in your backyard until your tears had run dry and both of your parents left -Rebekah to the hospital, Bill to wherever he went while you were in class- before heading inside to change into your rash vest and grab your board. Despite it being early Friday morning, Surfrider Beach was full of life and you welcomed the hustle and bustle as you turned off your phone and buried it at the bottom of your bag, leaving your problems behind on the sand.

You spent the whole day at the beach, blissfully alone and free to do what you wanted, until the sun dipped low in the sky and you were too exhausted to even think about anything but dragging yourself home so you could pass the fuck out. You caught one final wave before heading back to shore, waving goodbye to the group of other kids you'd surfed with all day (the one thing you loved about California: everyone was so chill) and trudged through the sand toward your things where, just as you expected, your sister sat on your towel, clad in a baggy UCLA long-sleeve with her phone in hand.

"Bitch, you killed it out there!" She looked up as you dropped your board to the ground and sat down heavily beside her, slipping an old Kildare County High School sweatshirt -the first one you ever 'borrowed' from your boyfriend, much to his delight- over your head. "I mean, look at you go!"

You leaned closer to watch the video she took, the barest hint of a smile on your face when you watched yourself perform a near perfect cutback on the screen. "That's 'cause I had the best teacher."

Daisy tagged you and posted it to Instagram before you could protest, then tossed the phone back into her bag and turned to you with a forced cheerfulness that kind of made you want to smack her. "So..."

"Mom and Dad sent you to clean up their mess." You finished quietly, tucking your knees to your chest and wrapping your arms around them as your sister sighed dramatically and offered a sympathetic wince.

"As always." She copied your position and you both stared out at the sun sinking over the water, its fading rays turning the sky brilliant shades of orange and pink. It was typical of your parents to send Daisy after you when you were upset -after all, you'd both been each other's only friend for over half your lives- and normally, you'd be glad to see your sister's friendly face instead of your mom's or dad's. That evening, though? All you felt was...disappointment.

"Guess they really don't give a shit about me." You mumbled under your breath, half-hoping Daisy didn't hear you but from the way she snapped her head in your direction, you didn't get your wish.

"Y/N, that's not it. They're just..."

"Just what? Pretending that they didn't stab me in the back? Acting like everything's all hunky-dory and they actually cared about my feelings?"

You hastily wiped at your face when your sister silently looped an arm around your shoulders and tucked you against her side, her fingers running soothingly through the ends of your damp hair as you vented all of your frustrations -everything you'd kept locked deep inside your heart- until your voice was hoarse and the sun had long disappeared from the horizon and you had no tears left to cry.

"You have no idea what it's like, being so lonely it hurts to breathe. It hurts knowing Mom and Dad have each other and you have Daniel and I'm alone all the time." You lifted your head from her shoulder and rubbed your red eyes with your sleeve. "Worst part is, they just keep acting like I'll wake up one day and magically be okay and everything'll be all sunshine and rainbows again."

"First off, I wanna say that I'm sorry for not making more time for you. I knew you were struggling and I'm a terrible big sister for not being here for you like I should have," You squeezed Daisy's other hand in thanks as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear, her voice soft and steady like the waves crashing against the shore. "Second, I definitely don't think Mom and Dad are handling this the way they should, but I think they're trying in the only way they know how. That should count for something, right?"

You sighed and tugged the sleeves of your sweatshirt over your hands. "I guess, but they haven't even tried to see where I'm coming from and they don't get that I'm not the only one they hurt. If I have to hear one more half-assed apology, I'm gonna lose my shit. Again."

"I'm not saying you have to forgive them right away 'cause I sure as hell wouldn't until they say they're sorry and mean it. But..." She said, pulling you to your feet and shaking the sand from the towel you were sitting on, "you shouldn't keep shutting them out, okay? It's not healthy."

You tucked your board under your arm as Daisy grabbed your bag and swung it onto her shoulder before you both started walking toward the parking lot. "What if I'm never ready to forgive them?"

"That's a question I don't have the answer to." She said with a shrug. "You've gotta figure that one out for yourself."

So you followed your sister's advice. You were civil and gradually, your relationship with your parents improved until you could stand to be in the same room as them and even carry on a short conversation, even though you knew you'd probably never be able to fully trust them again. You caught them exchanging glances you could only describe as wounded when you often turned down their invitations to go to the movies or get ice cream or other things you used to love doing when you were younger but for the most part, they took it in stride and you were grateful for their little efforts. Forgiveness wasn't in the cards quite yet but with each passing day, you felt the icy wall around your heart slowly start to melt away.

But every time you thought you were taking one step forward, life pushed you two steps back. Just when you were getting things back on track with your family, the train went flying off the rails when it came to your friends and it was all your fault.

It wasn't like you didn't try -God, did you try- to keep yourself from falling back into old habits but Malibu just had a way of bringing out the absolute worst in you. Your old self, the girl who kept to herself and pushed everyone away, someone you thought you buried in the deepest grave, slowly came back from the dead with a vengeance little by little, so subtly you didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.

One missed phone call turned into two, texts went unanswered for days or not at all, FaceTime sessions happened less and less. The last video chat had been with Kiara and it ended terribly, after you blew up at her for mending her friendship with Sarah Cameron in the near two years since you'd been gone, spitting words you couldn't quite remember -something along the lines of 'didn't take you too long to replace me, huh' and calling the blonde girl a 'heinous bitch'- but knew you regretted with everything you had and hanging up before she had a chance to explain. You couldn't even recall the last time you talked to Pope or John B aside from the occasional Snapchat and your daily calls with JJ had turned to once a week, if you were lucky.

He was trying, you could tell, and so were you but the deck was stacked against you and you were never very good at cards, anyway. It hurt to try, it hurt not to try, everything just hurt. Nearly two years apart had done their damage and coupled with your debilitating fear of being forgotten that clawed at your chest like a rabid dog, your relationship was on unstable ground and for the first time in almost four years, you were thinking about the end. It wasn't like you didn't love him anymore (holy shit, were you still completely head over heels in love). In fact, you loved him so much you realized that he could do so, so much better than you and the thought rested heavy and bittersweet on your mind, lurking in the shadows until you were ready to bring it to light.

It happened on New Year's Eve. Alone in your room, your hands shook as you answered JJ's call at midnight, his voice tired and a little hoarse from celebrating the new year three hours earlier on the opposite coast and you nearly started crying right then and there when you replied with a shaky "I think we need to talk."

"Babe, what's wrong?"

You took a deep breath and said quietly, "Everything."

"Talk to me." The pure concern in those three words nearly convinced you to call it off, to tell him to forget you said anything and that you were fine, everything was just fine but deep down, you knew you couldn't.

"I've been thinking about us and I...I just think that you deserve better than me. Someone who can actually be there for you when you need her and hold you when your dad's an asshole and see you every day. Someone who can laugh at your silly jokes and share a joint with you and clean you up when you get into fights defending your friends-"

"Babe, what are you talking about? That girl is you."

"Maybe I was but I'm not anymore and I don't think I have been since I left. I just can't be the girl you want, I can't be the girl you deserve, J -I'm a total fucking mess and you can do so, so much better than me."

"Y/N."

You didn't know you were crying until you heard the broken way he breathed your name and salt water dripped from your chin onto the bracelet around your wrist.

"...are you breaking up with me?" His voice was impossibly small, the quietest you'd ever heard it and the exact moment your battered heart shattered into pieces was when you realized he didn't even put up a fight.

"I think so." The words tore through you like a gunshot as you cried, curling into yourself on the bed in an effort to ward off the worst pain you'd ever felt in your life and you wondered if it was possible to die from a wound that wasn't even physical.

He was quiet for a long time, so long you thought he hung up without you noticing through your tears, until he sniffed on the other end of the line.

"Guess we had a pretty good run, huh?" He asked with a watery chuckle and you found yourself giving a tiny, shuddering giggle in response -God, even when you were breaking his heart he still managed to make you laugh.

"The best, baby." The pet name slipped out like second nature and you winced, hastily trying to cover your mistake with an awkward cough but from the sharp breath you heard him take, he'd heard it anyway.

("I'm sorry," you said, and it stood as an apology for more than just your slip-up.)

"I love you, Y/N. Probably always will."

"I'll never stop loving you, JJ. That's a promise."

You let yourself believe him as you laid there bleeding from a gash you couldn't see, a wound you knew would never heal, and you hoped he let himself believe you, too, even when you ended the call without another word and threw your phone away from you, not bothering to see where it landed. The sound of your heavy, broken sobs filled the room and you didn't even mind when your mom, who you knew had been listening from the other side of your closed door like always, barged in and took you into her arms, stroking your hair as you cried into her lap.

If you were supposed to avoid getting hurt by leaving first, why did it feel like everything in you was broken? If you were making the right choice, why did it feel so wrong? You didn't have the answers and no matter how hard you searched, you knew you'd ever find them.

So you tried to stay busy. You joined the surf club at school, got a part-time job at the local aquarium, did anything you could to distract yourself from the hurt and the guilt and the way getting out of bed every morning was the hardest thing to do. Surf club introduced you to Mackenzie, the one girl who was more ostracized at school -an even richer version of the kook academy you hated -than you, her for being freakishly tall and you for your East Coast attitude, and the two of you became fast, if reluctant friends. Mack didn't try to stitch the gaping hole in your heart caused by your absent friends but she numbed the pain just enough to make it bearable and you were grateful for her calm, steady presence at your side, even as you both tried to keep each other at arm's length.

Later, you found out she was just like you, friendless and awkward with no self-esteem and a tendency to push people away, and that just cemented your friendship through the summer and your final year of high school.

Mack told you all about her life, growing up with no siblings, having height that she never learned to deal with, and a debilitating social anxiety that made making friends near impossible, and in turn you told her about how you hopped from town to town on your mother's whims, the wonderful friends you let slip away, and the beautiful boyfriend you loved enough to let go, and you both cried together for the lives you could've led.

"You two looked so happy," She said during the first sleepover you hosted as she held one of the many picture frames littering your dresser, her lips turned upwards in a small smile.

You gently took the frame from her hands and ran your fingers over the grinning face of your ex-boyfriend, his arms wrapped around your shoulders as your painted lips planted a deep red kiss on his cheek, and the wave of longing washing over you was almost strong enough to bring you to your knees. "It was the happiest I've ever been."

"Do you miss him?"

"So much it hurts."

i miss you.

i'm so sorry.

i still love you.

You'd typed and erased those texts every day but never mustered the courage to hit send and you couldn't decide if that was a blessing in disguise or the worst possible curse. Of course you still loved JJ: you promised you would and even if you didn't, you couldn't stop if you tried. He was your first love, the boy you so willingly gave your whole heart and then some; you still kept his ring on your thumb -the one he gave you at the airport the day you left- and his bracelet around your wrist, his bandanas in your hair and his face in your dreams and you knew you always would.

Before you could blink, your eighteenth birthday flew by and graduation was upon you.

You thought the second you were done with high school you'd be gone, heading straight back to the Outer Banks and the life you left behind but you found yourself stalling on sending in an application to UNC -Chapel Hill until you missed the deadline for the fall semester. On the outside, you made up a semi-legit excuse about getting your basic courses done at a community college to save money but deep down you really knew why you procrastinated: you were terrified to go back. Ever since your break up with JJ, you hadn't spoken to him or any of your old friends other than the obligatory birthday wishes on Facebook and you wondered if the damage you'd done over the years was too much to come back from, even as you tried to work up the courage to find out for sure.

Another year passed: in between earning college credits, you and Daisy took a sister's trip to Disneyland, Mack asked you to tag along on a jaunt up the coast to San Francisco to see Alcatraz, your parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary (your gift was long-overdue forgiveness and they said it was the greatest thing you possibly could've given them). When the time came, you and Mack both sent out your applications to UNC -you for biology, her for chemistry- and the myriad of emotions you felt when you got in was nothing short of dizzying. The old you was terrified, screaming at you to rip up the letter and join your sister at UCLA instead of opening old wounds but the hopeful you, the girl who lived without fear, the girl who fell in love and let herself be loved, screamed louder.

And so you killed the old you once again, burying her even deeper than the last time in a locked chest and throwing the key as far as you could out into the Pacific where you knew you'd never find it. You clutched your acceptance letter close to your chest and took a step east, away from California and toward the place where your broken heart still rested, scattered in pieces across the sand.

Settling in at UNC was surprisingly easy. You and Mack already clicked pretty well as friends so making the transition to roommates was natural and, dare you say it, even a little fun and the two of you quickly fell into a comfortable routine in your tiny apartment off campus in Chapel Hill. Comfortable and yet...that happiness you once felt all those years ago was missing from your life and you found yourself just as restless as you were in Malibu. While you knew exactly what you needed to do, that fear kept rearing its ugly head in the back of your mind, poisoning your thoughts: what if they wouldn't be happy to see you, what if they forgot about you, what if they hated you? What if he hated you?

It was terrifying, picturing yourself turning up at the Chateau with a hopeful smile only to have the door slammed right in your face. Deep down, you knew they'd never do that to you no matter how badly you'd hurt them but when you'd spent your whole life expecting the worst, taking a leap of faith wasn't an easy feat -something Mack just couldn't wrap her head around.

"I don't get it."

You glanced up from where you were lounging on your bed, flipping through your biology notes in preparation for your lab exam the next morning and shot your roommate a confused look. "Get what?”

Mack sat at your desk, her own notebooks lying ignored as she spun the chair around to face you, arms crossed. "Why you haven't hopped on that ferry to go get your man yet!"

You froze for a moment too long before offering a half-hearted shrug as you fiddled with the beads at the end of your bracelet. "It's not that easy. He probably wants nothing to do with me and I don't blame him."

"How do you know? You haven't talked to JJ in over a year, right?" At your tight nod, she continued, "What if he's just like you-"

"Depressed?"

Mack fixed you with a flat, unamused look. "Still in love, dumbass."

You scoffed and propped your chin in your hand as you glanced back down at your study guide, trying not to latch onto that little thought -hope and pain all rolled into one- that sparked to life at her words. He'd said he would probably always love you that New Year's Eve and back then you'd let yourself believe him but now, you weren't so sure. "Yeah, right. No way he's still...still in love with me after I broke his heart."

"Maybe he is, maybe he isn't," Your roommate said with a shrug, spinning around on the chair to grab her things. "You'll never know if you don't get over there, track his fine ass down, and talk to him."

You stared down at your notes without actually seeing anything, the slanted letters of your handwriting blurring before your eyes as the other girl flipped her chemistry book closed and stood, shooting you an warm smile that you didn't see.

"Listen, Y/N, you're my best friend and I want to see you happy more than anything but I can't take that jump for you. Yeah, it's scary and nerve wracking and you might end up hurt worse than before, so what? That's just...life."

Mack left after that, crossing the apartment to her room so she could get ready for a date with a girl from her psych class, leaving you alone with tears on your face and a million thoughts in your head, all of them terrifying and exciting and oh so loud.

She was right, of course -Mack always knew the right thing to say- and as you stared down at the bracelets on your wrists and the ring on your thumb, the pictures on your phone and the too-big shirt hanging off one shoulder, you realized sitting around moping wasn't gonna solve anything; if you wanted your happiness, your friends, the love of your life back, you needed to step up and fight for them with everything you had. And so you wiped the tears from your cheeks and walked to the cliff's edge with your head held high, ready for the fall and whatever came with it. You were ready to fix your mistakes, no matter how badly it might hurt.

Still, you couldn't do it all on your own. You needed some help to make things right again and while you knew just who to ask, you weren't quite sure if they'd be willing to lend a hand. Desperate times called for desperate measures though and you penned a good old-fashioned letter, feeling like a heroine in a Jane Austen novel as you poured all your thoughts -your dreams, wishes, hopes- onto a piece of paper in bold blue ink and sent it off to its destination on Figure 8, your Hail Mary for a happy ending sealed up neatly in a single envelope.

Mack, bless her heart, did her best to keep your spirits up as you waited on a response but even her ever reassuring presence couldn't keep you from worrying as one week passed by, then two. Halfway through the third you'd almost given up, already wracking your brain for another way to make your plan work when your phone chimed with a text from an unknown number.

i'll help you

And just like that, the moment you'd been waiting for was finally within your reach; you told your parents not to expect you for Thanksgiving break, called your sister for a much needed pep talk, and started counting down the days until you'd see your friends again, for better or worse.

When you left the Outer Banks three years ago, it was sunny. You were sixteen, young and in love and scared about the future.

When you returned, it was in the middle of a storm. You were nineteen, a little bit older but no less in love and definitely still scared about what was waiting for you at the end of the road.

Rain pounded against the roof of Sarah Cameron's SUV as she drove away from the docks and toward the Chateau, her fingers tapping along to the music playing quietly through the radio. You sat in the passenger seat, soaked to the bone from your ferry ride from the mainland and shaking like a leaf despite the towel wrapped around your shoulders and the warm air flowing from the car's vents.

"Thanks for coming to get me," You said, wincing at the awkward lilt of your voice echoing in the small space as you spun JJ's ring around your thumb and stared out the windshield at the familiar sights streaking by in blurred shades of green and brown. Being back opened a Pandora's box of emotions in your head, both good and bad, and instead of trying to sort them out, you let them bounce around in your brain like a pinball machine and concentrated on methodically twirling the warm metal ring in circles on your finger.

Sarah briefly glanced away from the road to shoot you a small smile, her kind eyes softening at your visible nervousness. "Not gonna lie, I was pretty sure you hated me so when I got your letter it kinda...threw me for a loop. Sorry it took me so long to reply."

You wished the heated leather seat would swallow you whole as you winced again and wrapped the towel tighter around your shoulders. "For the longest time, I thought I did hate you but I realized I was just...scared of losing my friends and I took it out on you. You didn't deserve to be labeled the villain in my story when I was the one, um, sabotaging myself, I guess." You took a deep breath and picked at a loose thread tickling your arm. "And I'm really, really grateful for your help."

It was more than you wanted to admit out loud -nearly the same words were written in the letter peeking out from the center console of the car- but at the same time, you knew it was what needed to be said and from the way the blonde girl's fingers stopped tapping against the steering wheel, she knew she needed to hear it. At a red light, she quickly tapped out a text on her phone before tossing in back into her bag with another tiny grin in your direction.

"Happy to help. For what it's worth, I'm so sorry if I made you feel like you were being replaced, I never intended to hurt you or steal your friends or...or, I don't know, usurp-"

"Sarah, stop. Please," You held up a hand to cut off her apology and offered her a self-deprecating smile. "I'm the one who's sorry. I let my...jealousy get the best of me and I feel so bad about all the shit I said 'cause that wasn't fair to you at all and I hope you can forgive me-"

"Y/N, there's nothing to forgive! We all say stupid shit when we're mad -trust me, I know." She interrupted with a bubbly, contagious giggle that seemed to scare away the gloomy storm clouds gathered over your head for a moment in time. "But I was never pissed at you, ever. I just want you to know that."

Stunned, you settled deeper into the seat and started playing with your ring again as she kept driving on, unbothered by your lack of response. You felt like you were thirteen again, back when Sarah and Kiara were your only friends, before the birthday disaster and the whole pogue versus kook feud that got completely out of hand; it felt...nice and you found yourself hoping that the blonde girl would still want to be your friend again, no matter what the others thought about your sudden return.

"Thank you."

Sarah gave no indication she heard your quiet confession of gratitude but from the way you watched her smile grow out of the corner of your eye, you knew she did. The rest of the drive passed in companionable silence as you retreated into your own thoughts, your nerves getting worse and worse the closer you got to your destination.

You took a deep breath and let it out slowly through your nose, feeling like your heart was trying to beat its way through your rib cage. You hadn't been this anxious in a long, long time, so long you almost forgot how much you hated the tightness in your chest, how your palms would start to sweat, the way you'd chew the inside of your cheek until you tasted blood on your tongue. By the time Sarah pulled into an open spot beside the achingly familiar Volkswagen parked in front of the Chateau, you were surprised you were still able to breathe.

The sight of the tiny house, one you spent so many carefree days and beautiful nights in alongside your friends, standing virtually unchanged in front of you was like a shot to the heart and your hands, curled into fists on your lap, began to shake without warning. Shit, you were a godforsaken mess; how the hell were you supposed to do this without having a mental breakdown?

"I'm so scared."

The whispered words, barely audible over the torrential rain against the roof, slipped from your mouth before you could stop them and Sarah slowly reached one hand over to give your trembling wrist a reassuring squeeze, the corners of her mouth curled upward in a slight smile.

"Don't be. They're gonna be so happy to see you!"

You turned to look at her, eyebrows knit together in disbelief. "How are you so sure they still care about me?"

"I'm sure 'cause I've seen it. My God, if only you could've heard all the times they talked about you -'I wish Y/N was here,' 'remember that time with Y/N,' hell, just straight 'I miss Y/N so fucking much,'" She said bluntly and shifted in the driver's seat to face you head on, smiling wider at the thunderstruck look on your face. "Pretty sure I haven't gone a week without JJ saying that last one at least once."

"I thought..." You paused, tongue darting out to run over your dry lips as you tried to put your jumbled feelings into words, "I thought he'd hate me -I mean, after all I've done, you think he still..."

"Loves you? Are you kidding?" Her reply was so enthusiastic it was hard not to believe her as she went on, her words like sunshine brightening the darkest corners of your mind. "He's still head over heels, I've never seen him even look at another girl in three damn years. You know he still wears your necklace, the one with the silver star? Kie told me all about it."

"I-I didn't." You remembered giving it to him the day you left, managing a shaky smile through your tears as you carefully clasped it around his neck, your fingers running over his skin as you settled the charm perfectly alongside that little shark tooth you'd grown to love.

('Be careful with this, baby. It's my favorite.' You had said, crying harder when he'd taken off one of his rings and slipped it onto your thumb.

'Well, this one's my favorite so take good care of it, okay?' His voice had been light but his eyes were heavy with unspoken words that you'd heard loud and clear because you knew your gaze said the exact same things.

don't let me go

don't break my heart

don't stop loving me)

You coughed to disguise the fat tears that started rolling down your face, quickly wiping them away with your sleeve but the blonde girl wasn't fooled as she gave your hand another friendly squeeze.

"Come on, they're probably wondering what's taking me so long," She sent a conspiratorial wink your way and grabbed her bag from the center console. "I told them I was picking up some pizzas but I have a funny feeling they won't be too pissed that I lied."

With a desperate grip on the strap of your backpack and your heart racing, you trailed behind Sarah through the rain to the front porch.

"Ready?" She glanced back where you lingered at the top of the stairs, anxiously shuffling from foot to foot, and shot you a smile that did little to calm your nerves. "Just wait here!"

She knocked on the door before you could reply and yelled loud enough to be heard over the pouring rain, "Hey, it's me! Can somebody get the door? My hands are kinda full."

"Got it!"

Your bag slipped from your fingers and fell onto the porch with a loud thump at the sound of the voice floating through the open windows, a voice you heard nearly every night as you slept, in your dreams of a future you wanted with everything you had. You knew it better than your knew your own, knew every pitch and tone and lilt; quiet and raspy in the mornings when you woke up in each other's arms, loud and carefree during long days spent under the golden sun with the rest of your friends, soft and warm and laid bare at night when he showed how much he loved you with more than just words.

Sarah gave you an enthusiastic thumbs up before stepping to the side just as the door opened and you suddenly found yourself struggling to breathe as you stared into the wide blue eyes of your ex-boyfriend. JJ stared right back, one of the hands you used to hold clenched so tight around the doorknob his knuckles were white, the lips you used to kiss parted in surprise, the blond hair you used to run your fingers through falling onto his forehead like always and the familiar, beautiful sight of him standing close enough to touch made your knees weak.

"You're not pizza."

It was such a JJ thing to say and you didn't know whether to laugh or cry as you swallowed thickly and shook your head. "Sorry to disappoint you."

"I'm not."

"Oh."

Hope flared white hot in your chest at his words but it quickly started to fade, replaced by fear when he made no move toward you, his fingers still gripping tight to the door, and you felt your face start to heat in embarrassment as Sarah looked back and forth between the two of you like she was watching a tennis match.

God, you were so stupid. What did you expect would happen, showing up out of the blue after over a year of no contact? Everything would fall into place again with just one long, heavy look? Believing it could be that easy turned you into a complete and total fool, tongue-tied and insecure and weak.

"Yo, what's the hold up?" John B's voice asked from inside the house and Sarah leaned down to call through the open window, "Come out here and find out!"

A wave of dizziness hit you like a truck and you took a sudden step back toward the stairs, arms wrapping around your stomach as it twisted itself into knots. "I'm sorry, I-I shouldn't have come. This was a mistake." You didn't notice the stricken look that crossed JJ's face or the three familiar, stunned expressions that appeared behind him in the darkened doorway before turning away and stumbling off the porch toward the road, leaving your bag behind and you definitely didn't notice how you barely made it off the bottom stair before a set of footsteps hastily gave chase.

"It wasn't a mistake, Y/N!" JJ's desperate voice stopped you in your tracks, halfway across the yard with more than just rain running down your face. "Not to me, never to me."

His soft touch on your wrist sent shockwaves through your body and you instantly became putty in his hands, letting him turn you around without a fight to face him, watching in fascination as the downpour started to darken his gray shirt and flatten his hair against his forehead. Three years hadn't changed much about him -he was a little taller, hair a little longer, the muscles in his arms a little more defined- and when you met his wide-eyed gaze, beads of rain dripping from his long eyelashes like diamonds, you wondered if he was thinking about the differences time created between the younger you of the past and the you of the right now, too.

"Oh." You repeated dumbly, struggling for something, anything to say that didn't make you sound like an illiterate fool. Even at nineteen, words still weren't your strong suit so you let your actions speak for you as your hand reached out on its own accord to caress the silver star still clasped around his neck, the thumb still wearing his ring brushing slowly against the dip between his collarbones; he shivered, and you weren't really sure if it was from your touch or the cold.

"Y/N." JJ said your name like a prayer, like he couldn't believe you were there in front of him, and you inhaled sharply when both of his hands slowly, carefully moved to cup your face, his calloused thumbs habitually wiping the tears from your cheeks over and over, even as more instantly replaced the ones he swept away. "I fucking missed you."

You stood there, looking like a damned drowned rat with your hair dripping into your eyes, shivering in your soaked jeans and Kildare County High School sweatshirt, the love of your life cradling your face so gently in his hands, and so many things you wanted to say flooding your brain but only the one that mattered the most managed to get by your trembling lips.

"I'm still in love with you."

You noticed a lot when you put your heart on the line: the steady, soothing sound of water falling through the trees, the bright, clean taste of rain on your tongue, how the sun was just barely starting to peek out from behind the stormy clouds, but they all paled in comparison to the little things you noticed about the boy in front of you; blue irises made even brighter by the red rimming his eyes, how he stepped closer on the wet grass until the tips of his scuffed boots touched your worn gray high tops, the way his hands trembled ever so slightly against your flushed face.

"Well, it's your lucky day 'cause I'm still in love with you, too."

All of the breath left your lungs in one big rush when JJ smiled hopefully -oh, how you loved everything about that smile: his slightly crooked teeth, that dimple in his cheek, the endearing pink blush swept across his nose- and you felt yourself return it without a second thought, your own hope once again burning bright in your chest.

"Even after...everything?" Your voice shook like the fingers you slid into the hair at his nape and he leaned down to rest his forehead against yours, close enough you could feel his breath on your lips when he spoke.

"I told you I'd always love you, didn't I?"

You nodded, a delicious shiver running down your spine when he tilted his head just so and gently bumped your nose with his. You remembered all the times he did that through the years, a dizzying slideshow of memories that flashed through your mind like lightning, and your fingers wove themselves deeper in his hair.

"I have so many things to apologize for," You said with a tiny, quiet shake of your head, tearing your eyes away from his in shame and staring over his shoulder toward where the rest of your friends watched from the porch, all crowded together at the top of the stairs with identical enthralled expressions on their faces. "There are so many mistakes I've made and people I've hurt and I have no idea how to even start saying sorry for it all."

"Babe."

The sound of your old pet name caused your gaze to snap right back to his and your heart felt like it was about to beat right out of your chest when one of his hands trailed down the sensitive skin of your neck and then lower until it traced along the curve of your hip and left a line of fire in its wake.

"We'll figure that out later, okay?" JJ said as his fingers tucked a loose strand of wet hair behind your ear, a coy, ardent grin on his face. "'Cause I've been waiting three years to kiss you again and if I don't get to do it soon, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind."

You smiled -a wide, joyful, elated smile- and rose up on your tiptoes in anticipation. "Then kiss me."

You didn't have to tell him twice. His lips pressed against yours desperately, like he needed you to breathe, like you were the very air in his lungs, religiously, like your mouth was the altar and he was there to worship as he pulled you close, the fingers of one hand tangling in your hair while the others dug into your hip. You kissed him back just as hard and the familiar taste of him on your tongue -mint, smoke, salt- sent that dearly missed spark racing through your veins like wildfire.

It was a little cliché, having your long-awaited reunion kiss in the rain but it was honest and candid and real and so much better than anything you could've dreamed. You lost yourself in his touch like you used to, clinging to him like a lifeline and pouring your whole heart into every fierce brush of your lips against his, both of you pulling away for a moment only to dive right back in each time. It was addictive, intoxicating, and you could've spent the rest of your life standing there in the middle of the yard and kissing like there was no tomorrow if a loud, ear-piercing wolf whistle hadn't come from the direction of the porch.

The two of you broke apart just barely, with foreheads still pressed together and swollen lips, and you couldn't stop yourself from giggling when JJ blindly flipped the bird over his shoulder before pulling you back in for another eager kiss that filled your whole body with an exhilarating, heavenly heat that never faded, even after four enthusiastic voices suddenly surrounded you like an excited swarm of nosy, buzzing bees.

"You aren't the only one who missed her, J." Kiara said, smiling widely as you reached out to grab her hand and pull her into a powerful one-armed hug, her chin resting on your shoulder.

"Yeah, stop hogging all the love!" John B added, throwing himself into the pile along with Pope, who slung an arm around your shoulders as he said, "Great to have you back, Y/N."

Sarah was the last to join and she quietly tucked herself under John B's arm with a pleased grin on her face, nodding when you mouthed 'thank you' in her direction. The six of you stood there in the rain, smiling like fools, and as the sun started to scare away the dark clouds overhead and in your heart, a weight you didn't even realize had been crushing your chest slowly began to lift away with each freeing breath.

You still had a lot of work to do: wrongs to be righted, apologies to be made, explanations -not excuses- to be given for every shitty thing you did in your past. But as happy tears started streaming down your face once again and you felt the arms of the friends you’d thought were lost to you forever tighten around you at the sight, you knew in your bones all would be forgiven. You knew that after three long years, you'd finally come home.

let me know what you think! i read each and every one of your comments and cry because they mean so much to me! ❤

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#outer banks #obx fic #jj maybank #jj maybank fic #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank x y/n #obx imagine #obx netflix #outer banks imagine #jj maybank x you #kiara carrera #john b #john b routledge #pope heyward #sarah cameron

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daily-zuko · 5 years

Note

Hi,I heard there are some Avatar The Last Airbender fans bashed Katara for being hostile towards Zuko when she has a valid reason to do so given what he did in Crossroads of destiny,do you validate Katara’s grudge and animosity towards Zuko?

Hello, Daily-Zuko here!

Though I’m not sure what answer you’re looking for, I suppose I’ll do my best to respond in a nonjudgmental manner. You’ll have to forgive me – as a Zuko blog, my focus in this breakdown skews towards him, though I have tried to give sufficient attention to Katara as well. As this turned rather lengthy, the majority of the content lies under the cut. Thank you for the question.

I think my favorite part about Avatar: The Last Airbender is its nuance in exploring complicated character dynamics. There is no black & white morality; each character’s feelings are treated with as much delicacy and respect as they deserve. Every individual’s story is weaved together seamlessly to create a greater whole, and Katara and Zuko are no exception. Their character arcs run parallel in many ways during the show, finally colliding in the Season 2 finale. They have both struggled with grudges, rage, and resentment holding them back throughout the course of the series, and this culminates in the climactic turning point in The Crossroads of Destiny.

Katara, after carrying the pain of losing her mother for so long, seemingly finds a kindred spirit in Zuko, and let’s go of her anger to extend a hand in trust. This is her attempting to move beyond her childhood trauma to start healing. Zuko’s rejection of her is a rejection of his own inner turmoil, but it unfortunately cements Katara’s toxic mindset of revenge. Regrettably, Zuko is not ready to accept a change of heart; this occurs just as he’s evaluating his own moral stance. This finale subjects both of them to their lowest point moving forward.

To answer your question, I believe that the actions they both take in The Crossroads of Destiny – and beyond – are valid.

At the point in the narrative where Zuko attempts to join Team Avatar, Katara’s potential growth has been stunted from their previously aborted connection. Zuko’s mental scars from his mother were not a central theme to his character development, unlike Katara, so he was able to complete his metamorphosis and advance. Though to all appearances they share the same childhood experiences, in terms of character, they do not share the same Ghost.

In the book Creating Character Arcs, by K.M. Weiland, the author outlines four distinct things to establish in order to successfully create a Positive Change Arc: a character’s Want, Need, Lie, and Ghost. Zuko’s want versus his need is rather obvious. The lie he believes is that his worth is tied to his father and his title. By capturing the Avatar, he will return home and become intrinsically complete. The ghost, in this instance, does not refer to any literal ghost; rather, the ghost is the incidental wound within a character’s past that causes the character to believe in the lie in the first place; in other words, the Agni Kai.

In contrast, Katara’s ghost is literal – the death of her mother. It haunts her and prevents her from understanding her truth: that continuing the cycle of war will not remedy her grief. This creates an opposing force for their conflict in The Crossroads of Destiny, as while Katara has yet to confront her own lie, she is presenting Zuko with his truth, and rushing him into the next phase of his archetypal growth.

Zuko’s choice in this scene is necessary. His reaction to Katara’s unexpected offer of reconciliation is instinctive – primal. Though he has come to the point where he can question his way in life, he is not yet ready to have this outlook thrust upon him in this split second decision. He cannot confront his lie. Therefore, he rejects the truth, relapsing based on what all previous experiences tell him is correct. Only once he fulfills his want in succeeding does he realize that it is not what he wanted in the first place.

Additionally, Katara is somewhat of an unfortunate bystander in Zuko’s next step on “The Hero’s Journey.” The Positive Change Arc quite commonly coincides with the much earlier interpretation of character development defined by Joseph Campbell in The Hero With a Thousand Faces. Though this path is generally a commentary on the main character’s quest, this is only because other characters are not usually as fleshed out. Zuko, as the deuteragonist, is an exception. In this stage, referred to as “Challenges and Temptations”, “Road of Trials”, “The Descent to the Abyss,” etc, Zuko needs to fall to the absolute bottom in order to die and be born anew, and he drags Katara with him.

In this vein, Katara’s obsession with rage and revenge simmers within her, and is not addressed in detail until The Southern Raiders. It is something that was magnified by the perceived betrayal of someone she had faith in, but it was an underlying issue that colored several actions she took. This was, of course, exacerbated by the duplicity demonstrated by others throughout the series.

During their stay at the Western Air Temple, Zuko doing all he can to show Katara his changed self even though she continually rebukes him is his only meaningful way to absolve and prove himself to her in spite of his previous violation of her trust. His acceptance into the party does not erase his past mistakes. Katara needed to shun him just as Zuko needed to show her, with his actions, that she is allowed to forgive and finally complete her own journey. It is a fragile balancing act the writers have coined in order to give these two the catharsis they deserve, and it is executed flawlessly.

tl;dr: Yes, Katara is valid, so is Zuko, this show is more complicated than that and implying that one character (on either side) is in the wrong somehow for their feelings does a disservice to the show’s excellent writing.

Additional youtube content from people who articulate much better than I do:

The Importance of Mistakes, by Make Stuff

A four-part show analysis, from The Weight of Cinema

The Cycle of War, by Hello Future Me

And finally, thank you to my lovely beta @tmariea for constantly helping me put my thoughts in order.

#asks #daily-zuko #not art #meta #atla #fantasticanimefan

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noctisfishing · 4 years

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Digimon Adventure - Knives Out AU

Notes: I’ve never done one of these before, so bear with me. But sometimes when there’s a piece of media I like with a colorful cast of characters, my mind goes to “what if?” land. I’d never see any of these precious Digidestined in the position of murder and greed (save for the one we know of) but I found it fun to imagine.

This headcanon is based on the movie Knives Out, a whodunit murder mystery. (I highly recommend you watch this movie!) It might go without saying, but this story starts out with a major character death. You’ve been warned. This also does not spoil the movie’s ending, but gives you some background of each character’s motives in which you are free to interpret.

Each Digidestined/Chosen Children plays a part. I fit all 12 (13?) somehow - you’ll see in the images below.

Also, there are no ships - this is gen. Although, Sorato on the rocks (sorry!)

Overall, I think this would be a really interesting and fun fic idea. :D

Alright, here we go!

The Story

Long after the adventures in the Digital World, that world has disappeared and now only lives on in the best-selling book franchise from the author known as Gennai. Loved by many in the Real World, it came as a huge shock when he was found dead in his mansion the morning after his birthday gathering with the Chosen Children.

Click through to read the rest!

The Victim

Gennai

He was the only known humanoid from the Digital World, and he became a successfully published author for his biographies and encyclopedias of the world that once existed. With the help of the original Chosen Children, he built a life and made millions of dollars through his publishing company. The Chosen were like family to him.

The Detectives:

Koushiro

No one knew that he was in the room of interrogation until the silence was met by the click-clacking from his laptop keyboard. None of the Chosen had seen him in years after he had grown distant from the rest of the group to concentrate on his own career path. As a genius detective, he will study every inch aspect of this case, closing any donut hole he may find.

Ken

Part of the local police department and serves as Koushiro’s right hand. The other Chosen had eventually warmed up to him at one point, but he never felt like ‘one of them’, even after reconciliation and forgiveness from his past crimes. Understanding the mind of a criminal, he works as a second pair of eyes, filling the gaps in Koushiro’s perspective and re-stating the facts to help Koushiro piece the puzzle of this mystery.

Daisuke

As part of the regional detective unit, he didn’t get to see the Chosen often but he immediately jumped on the case the moment he caught wind of it. He was always eager to see his old buddies (especially Hikari) and was always a big fan of Gennai, the man himself. He will also add fanboy remarks about Gennai and the Digital World, even when they’re out of place.

The Suspects

Perhaps the ones with the closest relations to Gennai, as well as the ones with the most glaring suspicions...

Sora

The older sister of the group and who Gennai treated like his own daughter. Living without a father herself, Sora found that relationship with him as she watched him succeed. Although she and Taichi were good friends, she voiced to Gennai her disagreements on the company’s business decisions influenced by Taichi as the CEO, and she even wished that she would one day take over instead of Taichi.

Yamato

Sora’s husband and a musician whose success may have matched Gennai’s. He cares a lot for his friends, his younger brother Takeru, and Sora the most. However, his relationship with her had been strained, and he had been the keeper of many secrets, one of them that Gennai happened to discover right before his death.

Taichi

Having a knack for business and working with people, Gennai entrusted him as the CEO of his publishing company, but admittedly there were some decisions they clashed over, including some that Taichi may have made without rationalizing. He had even confessed at one point that he had never read any of the books. Rumors flew around before the party that Gennai had taken the CEO title away from him.

Mimi

Outspoken and sincere, Mimi was the main cheerleader in helping Gennai succeed. She was also an advocate in helping fund the Chosen’s education, most recently Hikari’s path to become a teacher. This encouraged her to try out her own endeavors in cooking, fashion and lifestyle. Little did she know, Gennai may have seen right through her with where that money was really going. Also, Sora never really liked her.

Attendees of Loose Suspicions

They were all at the party, too; but should we really suspect them?

Miyako

Always overshadowed by Mimi as the life of the party, but she always got along with everyone. The Chosen were her second family, but she was sad when finding out that Ken rejected her invitation to Gennai’s gathering. Miyako was the one who discovered Gennai’s body, after being asked by a hungover Sora, who usually checked on him every morning otherwise.

Hikari

She was proud of her older brother for handling a company with such high stakes. When she talked about her dreams of becoming a teacher, she initially refused Mimi’s persistence to ask Gennai for help to fund her for education, but she eventually gave in and promised to pay him back, to which Gennai declined. Hikari left that party early to hang out with her university friends.

Iori

The most reserved and quietest of the bunch, but will speak up when it matters the most. He’s had to listen to every casual conversation and every tense argument between the Chosen, as well as any angry words directed toward Gennai, in private or not.

Takeru

He had left the party early as well, except he had stormed out of Gennai’s office in anger. No one knew the reason, save for the words Iori had caught Takeru shouting while he sat nearby. As an aspiring writer himself, Takeru had always felt that special connection with Gennai, but he constantly felt the pressures of being in the shadows of Gennai’s success.

Meiko

The nurse and close friend of Gennai. As a Chosen Child herself, she was hesitant to approach Gennai’s mansion when she heard that he was looking for a caregiver. The others were always nice to her, especially Takeru whom she found comfortable to talk to the most; but Gennai was the only one she truly felt accepted her as his own.

What about Jou?

In addition to becoming the doctor of the group, he was Gennai’s most trusted friend and only witness to the signing of his will. He chose not to attend that party after knowing that Gennai had made some adjustments to his will; and as he sat in front of the Chosen Children and opened that sealed envelope, he took a deep breath from the weight of the knowledge, knowing that the words he was about to read would cause all hell to break loose.

BONUS:

Who is Nana? I have one line for you:

“Ohhh I like to talk to them, too!”

“Takeru? Are you back already?”

I’ve said too much.

#digimon fanfiction #digimon headcanons #digimon adventure #knives out #au #my headcanons #noctiswriting #chosen children #digidestined

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irelise · 4 years

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Fic “Behind the Scenes” - Alex Rider

Trying to dip my toes back into writing, so I thought I’d ramble about some fics I’ve already written! This started off as ranting about my title choice and how they’re usually Final Fantasy XIV songs I butcher in order to forcibly fit the fic, but it expanded into musings about things that didn’t make the cut into the final fic, and potential sequels/things that happen down the line.

Just doing Alex Rider fics for now since that’s my current active fandom, but drop me an ask if there are any fics you’re especially interested in from any fandom!

Starting off with: Time (2368 words, gen, Alex & Yassen focused) aka my untagged Inception-flavoured AU where the plot twist was that it was a dream all along That said, this title was probably one of the easiest to come up with and was obviously from the main theme of Inception, Time! Which is fantastic like the whole movie aaaa i love Inception AUs and this fic is probably the one I’m most likely to expand into longfic if I dredge up the motivation from somewhere. It would be a mission style fic, possibly a heist, where Alex and Yassen are seemingly working together in order to steal some valuable intel from another group. Of course, it’s all a dream! Through copious dream symbolism and mind fuckery the real mission was set up by MI6 for Alex to extract intel from Yassen, who by this point is steadily losing his grip on dreams and reality after months, possibly years, spent under sedation.

Yassen has a few tricks up his sleeve, though. He’s aware that he’s (probably) dreaming and he can see the fractures in Alex’s resolve after such a long time of being used and manipulated by MI6. It would only take a little nudge to get Alex to defect -- or, at the very least, to escape.

So while Alex is busy trying to extract information from Yassen, Yassen is trying to do the opposite: inception.

The rest below cut for length and also because they’re nsfw since most of my writing was for the kink meme! Warning for general fucked-upness and unhealthy relationships

at the end, on a dusty road (8154 words, Yassen/Alex) aka the reputation sabotage fic, aka where’s part 3b?!

Title from Origa’s Polyushka Polye:

The wind scatters your brave songs Across the green field. Songs of the past, Leaving them alone with your glory, And right at the end, on a dusty road…

i just wanted something wistful and Russian about past soldiers and fading glory ok....... I came pretty close to titling the fic leaving them alone with your past glory but decided it didn’t make much sense out of context.

ANYWAY my first Yalex fic! Very much inspired by a hodgepodge of comments on Discord about how MI6 would react if they ever saw Yassen paying Alex visits in the middle of the night - “Could they be exchanging information?” “The whole night? Maybe the answer is something more obvious...”

ANYWAY the ending at the moment is pretty open - there’s two main ways I see it going:

1) Yassen comes back shortly afterwards, realises he had fucked up colossally, stays and helps Alex rebuild even though Alex (very justifiably) no longer trusts him. Very slow reconciliation and healing but ultimately happy ending.

2) aka the one where I broke Nanibun’s shipper heart over Discord: Alex and Yassen eventually reunite, but it isn’t until years later, when Alex is nearing middle age and Yassen has faded into obscurity. Alex managed to pick up the pieces of his life and even moved on properly from MI6, and now lives a fulfilling life. Married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, the whole lot. So what if his marriage is more for partnership than for love? He’s content with the direction his life had taken and has strong ties to his community. He even managed to forgive Yassen, even though it took him a long time.

He and Yassen meet for the last time in a sunlit cafe in spring. Alex looks at Yassen and sees only a stranger with lines crinkling under his eyes.Yassen is getting old, he realizes. He thinks he should be happy that Yassen even had the chance to get old, but all he feels is relief that their paths had diverged. Alex is done with that life and he can never trust Yassen again. All that old passion had burned away to nothing, not even a flickering flame. Even though the initial parting had been painful, Alex had managed to find peace long ago, and he hopes Yassen will be able to do the same. But it's a distant, unemotional hope, the sort of hope you'd have for a distant acquaintance you haven't seen in years. The type of well wishes that are etiquette more than actual sentiment.

He's glad when their drinks are finished and Yassen melts away into the chattering springtime crowd, one final dangling chapter of his life closed at last.

...............or, 3) Alex throws himself into increasingly dangerous situations in an attempt to feel something and dies young.

(part 3b is coming someday i swear! it’s the alternate path where Yassen has second thoughts, tells Alex the truth, and doesn’t send the sex tape to MI6)

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Lemniscate (3562 words, Julia Rothman/Yassen) Not a whole lot to say about this one, except after I finished I realised it was really similar to another fic I previously wrote which also involved a young man desperate to reinvent himself completely being taken advantage of by his superior............ i have a Type

Title - I was jamming out to Locus while writing this which is a song all about an inability to escape from cycles - When fighting back right out of this system/Means falling back right into this space ; When falling back is better than simply/Falling back into pieces again - but it was long and unwieldy so I thought about shortening it to Moebius but that was a bit overdone... In the end I settled with Lemniscate which is also an infinity symbol, Moebius-like shape. Mostly it’s a reference to how Yassen never quite breaks free of his “cycle” even though he’s with Scorpia now - he was Sharkovsky’s slave and bedwarmer and...now he plays basically the same role for Julia Rothman. (Just with a bit more murder and moral erosion!)

---

This probably needs a special content warning - major character death (gun suicide from the second Russian roulette scene), gore, necrophilia

closing the circle (3650 words, John Rider & Yassen) aka is it still a gen fic if there’s offscreen necrophilia?

This was originally written for a kink meme prompt for corpse mutilation + necrophilia but then the John and Yassen plot thread kind of took over and I never actually ended up writing the gory stuff oops since it was too out of place compared to the rest. So everything below can be considered not “canon” since the fic diverged so heavily from its original plan (which is why the section numbers skip around - I cut out Yassen’s bits). But if you’re curious, here’s the details for what I originally planned to happen to Yassen (well, his corpse) and the Sharkovsky family, copy-pasted straight from my notes and full of as much karma as I could stuff in:

Yassen’s death, Sharkovsky shoves his fingers in the bullet hole and spits on the body in disgust. Yassen regains consciousness halfway through this; he can feel what Sharkovsky is doing

Ivan comes running in, attracted by the sound of the gunshot. Sharkovsky tells him to do what he likes with the body as long as it’s disposed of in the end. Necrophilia scene? Afterwards Ivan disposes of the body by locking it in the cellar alone with the Dalmatian for a few days

Yassen starts getting his revenge. Ivan is the first to go when he comes to let the Dalmatian out – the Dalmatian savages him and tears out his throat before it’s finally shot. Yassen’s bones get buried along with the Dalmatian. Ivan’s body is kept in the cold storage room in the basement where they kept the old food taster’s body while they decide what to do with him.

Maya, Sharkovsky’s wife, is next. She passes away in the middle of the night. Sharkovsky wakes up next to a cooling corpse.

There are whispers that there is some sort of curse. One of the maids talk about finding blood on the carpet of Sharkovsky’s study. She’s the next to disappear. Some other workers stop turning up.

Finally it’s Sharkovsky’s turn. He dies of poison. The dacha burns down that same night.

A Scorpia agent was sent to tie up loose ends (Scorpia didn’t know Sharkovsky is already dead); Yassen kills him too. He has no loyalty to Scorpia and just wants to be left alone.

Hunter is sent to investigate. He and Yassen talk, in the end, Hunter invites Yassen to come with him, Yassen agrees. But when they leave the dacha and Hunter looks back, he finds that Yassen is gone.

And an excerpt:

Yassen is dead. He does not remember dying. There are some things the human mind tries to shield itself from, and the memory of a bullet traveling through bone and brain to erupt on the other side in a shower of gore is one of those things.

Yassen is dead. He had hoped death would mean oblivion. At his most naïve and optimistic, he had hoped death would mean reunion. Happiness. A return to simpler days.

He discovers, instead, that death is not so different from life, except he is even more powerless now than before.

There is a body on the floor of Sharkovsky’s study. Its hair had once been pale white-blond, but now it is matted with coagulating blood. That same blood spreads in a dark pool against the carpet, clotting the fibres together into ugly clumps, stiff and flaking. The fire in the hearth is still burning sullenly. Its light glistens against the grotesque strands of viscera splattered against the ground, the furniture, the wall. A round hole had been punched into the side of the corpse’s head, piercing bone and brain. That was how the man who had once been Yassen Gregorovich had killed himself. The fingers of the corpse remain loosely curled around the old-fashioned revolver that had been the instrument of death.

The only living person in the room rises slowly from his wheelchair. Sharkovsky’s skeletal face is twisted into an ugly grimace of anger. He totters over to the corpse, nudging it with the tip of one polished leather shoe. “Waste of time,” he says coldly. “Ruining a perfectly good carpet, and for what?”

In a sudden fit of temper, he lashes out with a kick. Once, it would have been strong enough to break several ribs (Yassen knows from intimate experience). Now, the corpse merely flops limply to one side. It incenses Sharkovsky further. He drops heavily to his knees, breathing harshly, and backhands the corpse across the face with one shaking hand.

#fandom: alex rider #My writing #meta

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second-chance-stray · 4 years

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RP Log: Cravendy meets Lin! I think both of them have a terrible time.

Cravendy Hound woke up two days prior, and has spent those days awkwardly exploring the company while simultaneously avoiding all of its members. Finally, she understands what has happened in her absence...a very basic understanding, at least. The details are far too many to untangle at the moment.

Cravendy Hound has left a note on Lin’s door, inviting her to meet at one of the Lavender Bed islands. She waits on the bench absolutely terrified. Outwardly, this unintentionally translates into a menacing aura. Fists clenched, eyes dark, looking pissed off as hell.

Aislinn North It was a day with no work to be done. For most people, that would be a cause to celebrate. Right now, at this point in time, for Aislinn, it's a nightmare. Nyscera's people and Bertram, all of them had conspired against her. Sweeping the paperwork from her desk, aiding her in the clinic, leaving her with no escape. Work was the distraction used to keep her thoughts from looking back. Like a colorful toy you waved in front of a child to keep their attention where you wanted it. However, there was one piece of parchment left for her on her now far-too-clean desk. A note. She turned her head to the sound of approaching footsteps, the blood promptly draining from her face as she read it over. What in the Seven Hells was this? She fought back a litany of curses. No. She wasn't doing this today. She couldn't do this today. However, underneath the note was another's handwriting. Bertram had written something. And whatever he had penned had her out here, in the rain, making her way to this damned meeting. She caught sight of the familiar silhouette as she approached and immediately felt her throat go dry. As she drew closer, she realized the look was all wrong. The anger, the glaring eyes. Nothing about this....person was Wyda. She came to stand wordlessly just under the gazebo's shelter. She simply couldn't find anything to say.

Cravendy Hound similarly feels her heart sink when Lin steps into view. There is no plan, no eloquent speech prepared. Hells, she doesn’t even have a rough idea of what she wants to talk about. But she feels like she has to say something - anything - for both of their sakes. And yet, words fail her. The silence stretches between two of them like a widening fissure, and it feels unsurmountable. Gods, what was she thinking?

Cravendy Hound gets up. Why did she do that? Now she’s standing! She moves to sit back down, but wouldn’t that be more awkward? Cravendy freezes in a half-squat for a second until finally deciding to throw caution to the wind. Hells. She’s got the nerves of a kid on stage for the first time, but at least things can only get better...right?

Cravendy Hound strides over to Lin, grabs her shoulder, sits her down on a bench, and then takes a seat across from her. Okay, pieces in place. Things should happen now. Aaaanytime now. “.....................................”

(Aislinn North) ((Awww! OKay, this has me laughing! xD)) (Cravendy Hound) xD!! )) (Cravendy Hound) cravs has 0 braincells 0 plans. the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in many ways ))

Aislinn North eyes flared widely as Cravendy grabbed hold of her shoulders, clearly taking umbrage at being maneuvered into place by a person she knows is a total stranger. Unfortunately, her still-healing injuries leave her unable to swiftly move out of the way in time and she finds herself plopped on the nearby bench instead. "Nymeia's bloody britches." she muttered, returning the Seawolf's glare with one of her own. "Starting to think I might have been better off wandering another circle around the House." In all honesty, it's the most emotion she's displayed since the events of that horrible day.

Cravendy Hound: “Aye, you an’ me both. Suppose we got that in common? Not wantin' to be ‘ere. Today being a weird an’ unpleasant day.” Cravendy tries to laugh and her voice cracks from high to low. Twelve have mercy, her expressions are not fully her own yet. Her face reddens and her scowl only deepens. “M-mud an’ shite! Been more than a year since I last spoke, I promise I ain’t like this normally...”

Aislinn North "I'll have to take your word on that." came Aislinn's rapid fire retort. She had clearly reached 'Anger' along her trip through the five stages of grief. But even she can hear the bite in her words and knows they're misdirected. She looked away, out over the water as a war waged within her chest. Logically, what happened wasn't Cravendy's fault. It also wasn't Cravendy's fault she woke up. She just did. Logically, Aislinn knew all of this. She just didn't like it. "....It'll get easier, I'm sure." she finally, grudgingly allowed. That felt alright to say. That felt safe.

Cravendy Hound winces slightly, but the bite in Lin’s voice feels deserved. It isn’t as if she’s unaware of what has happened in the past year. In dreams you can become another on the flip of a dime...She’s in possession of memories that are both hers, and not hers. She shakes her head.

Cravendy Hound: “Don’t go easy on me. I know what happened. The mess I caused.” She crosses her arms and...my god. She was never going to get used to how after waking up, she suddenly had the toned body of a fistfighter. God, everything is so weird. “...An’ I won’t go easy on ye. Ye look like shite, an’ ye look like ye can stand to get somethin’ off yer chest.

(Cravendy Hound) sleep is the most powerful workout xD )) (Aislinn North) ((God, I wish that were true! lol!))

Aislinn North shot the Seawolf a swift, dry look out of the corner of her eye. "You're looking for someone to unload on you, aren't you?" she shrewdly assessed. "Did you? Cause this mess? I mean, did you mean to summon..." her voice caught, stumbled over the word. "the primal?"

Cravendy Hound: “Personally, could do without. But when ye do somethin’ wrong, an’ ye don’t get what ye deserve then...well, I’d be wonderin’ whether or not I was still dreamin’.” Her jaw set, tight. To Lin’s second point, she found herself at a loss for words. Part of her wanted to absolve herself of guilt and claim it wasn’t her fault. A half-truth to make everyone feel better, and one that she knew would gnaw away at her heart like all of her other white lies. No...She literally died following this creed. She had to carry on differently, no matter how uncomfortable.

Cravendy Hound: “....It was unintentional. But what I did leadin’ up to it was my fault.”

Cravendy Hound: “Accident or not, I made a right mess of things. If hatin’ me will make ye feel better, then I’ll gladly bear it.” Hair fell in front of her face as she let out a short breath.

Aislinn North "How could I hate you? I don't *know* you." Aislinn replied. "And that's an awful lot of wasted energy, in my experience." She grew quiet as she mulled over Cravendy's words. For a long stretch the only sound was the rain drumming against the roof of the gazebo. She saw what she was trying to do. Get all the information and assemble it into something that made sense. That gave her answers. And what would answers do now? They wouldn't change the outcome. "You're right though...you did make a mess of things." she said with blunt honesty. "And we're all just going to have to learn to live with it. Not all of us are going to manage...*well*"

Cravendy Hound’s brows knitted together. She was partly relieved to hear that she wasn’t going to be immediately hated by Lin. Dream-friend or no, it was definitely something she could do without. But the other half of her was frustrated at the existence of yet another problem that she caused, that she couldn’t fix at once.

Cravendy Hound: “Maybe ye don’t know me, and maybe I don’t know ye, but whether ye like it or not, I’m ‘ere for you. Because...” Cravendy pauses. Because what? She feels selfish for saying anything at all. If her goal isn’t closure, then what is it? She doesn’t know, and it infuriates her. “...Just because.”

Cravendy Hound: “....................” It dawns on her that she hasn’t introduced herself. Shit, is it too late to bring it up now? She simmers in anxiety and, as usual, it comes across as looking like she’s about to fight something.

Aislinn North sat back sharply, caught up short. Clearly, she wasn't ready for that. She looked away. Her fingers tapped out a quick rhythm against her leg, her jaw squared. How many times did it take for her to learn this particular lesson? Cracking herself open again and again only to lose people. No. *This* time she would get it. *This* she'd learn. Upon glancing back at Cravendy, her dark musings fly from her. The woman looked like she wanted to punch something. Aislinn tensed. "Alright, there?" ...she asked uncertainly.

(Cravendy Hound) xD )) (Aislinn North) ((Lin's wondering if she's gonna have to dodge and roll xD))

Cravendy Hound narrows an eye as she reads Lin’s expression. Shit, looks like she’s closing up. But then again, what other outcome could she expect? Thrust herself in her life and expect immediate and full reconciliation? Of course not. Cravendy doesn’t know Lin either, and maybe never seeing each other would be the best path to take...but it feels wrong to see her like this. It just does.

Cravendy Hound: “It’s not alright! I...I wake up after tryin’ to end things and I guess things are better? But worse at the same time? I’m still where I was a year ago an...” She cuts off her outburst. Piss n’ wind, just another way to further alienate Lin. “‘SCUSE ME.”

Cravendy Hound gets up, dunks herself under the water and yells at the top of her lungs. When she comes back, she looks spent. “Should’ve said this at the beginnin’, but I’m Cravendy. And I’m...I’m just losing me mind! Haha. That’s a...a joke.”

(Cravendy Hound) i dont know whether to laugh or cry )) (Aislinn North) ((ohhhhh...I think this is one of those times where its just both!)) (Cravendy Hound) both? both. xD )) (Aislinn North) ((xD)) (Aislinn North) ((Also did she just go and pitch herself into the water, or just her head?)) (Cravendy Hound) LOL she stepped into the water, slams herself completely underwater, and then came back )) (Aislinn North) ((lol! Got it!)) (Cravendy Hound) lmao i dont know which would give off more of an insane person vibe. if she crawled on the wood and dunked just her head in the water versus what she actually did )) (Aislinn North) ((lol! Oy, that's true! Six of one, I suppose))

Aislinn North As the woman let loose on her, Aislinn realized the turn of phrase she's used since childhood may have been misconstrued. She sat in stunned silence after watching Cravendy pitch herself into the lake. She'd get up but at the moment, in her condition, that seemed like too much of a chore. "I didn't..." it was all for the best as Cravendy immediately returned and squelched back down on the bench. "It's just...something I say. Of course nothing about this is alright." she let go a breath. "Cravendy...I gathered that. From the note you left me." A part of her had to admire someone who could do exactly what they felt like doing. She, herself, had been holding in a scream for days. She looked forward to when she could pick up her pistol again and target shoot. She had always been better at letting her gun snarl and growl for her. "And like I said, it's not an easy thing. But it'll get easier."

Cravendy Hound sits in wet, miserable silence. Her hair, once a dense tangle resembling a pine tree, is now slicked down against her face and shoulders. And she’s godsdamned grateful for looking like a mess right now, as it hides the tears and redness in her eyes. She’s not some whelp to be pitied, she’s a tough pirate that shoots first and asks questions later! Used to be, anyway. Cravendy sniffs once. Must be the cold.

Cravendy Hound: “Hah, ah...No.” She takes a bundle of hair in her hand and wrings water out of it. It’s a little salty. “Yeah. No...No? No.”

Cravendy Hound: “........Aye.”

Aislinn North tipped her head as she listened to Cravendy argue. Though whether it was with Aislinn or herself, the highlander couldn't be sure. "Aye." she affirmed. "Because there's no other option." she spoke like someone who knew that was the way of it.

Aislinn North After a pause, she slowly pulled herself to her feet. "I'll be heading back to the House now. Not that anyone has left me much of anything to do...but still." she sighed. She hesitated a moment, studying Cravendy. Feeling torn in several directions all at once. "Come back up when you're ready. No sense sitting in wet clothes for very long."

Cravendy Hound sighs. Well, that went swimmingly. She shrugs her shoulders and lets Lin go, preferring to unwind in the privacy of this lonely island for now.

#ff14 rp logs #Cravendy Hound #Aislinn North #cravendy is an absolute disaster #she went swimming FULLY CLOTHED AFTER THIS #me at first: cool and serious older sister type!#me now: dumpster fire awkward spaghetti ball of FEAR that makes her look ANGRY #aaaaa

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