#that's what it felt like when i wasn't able to draw more fanart because i had to sleep early these past couple of days

[ihavesomejays]

bootlicker

keebs i did it i fixed what yours was missing bro !!! anyways good evening wriolette nation i hope you're eating well because i forgot to eat my birthday cake because i was drawing this !! wriothesley was my genuine reaction when i discovered neuvillette's thigh highs im ngl ANYWAYS everyone go check out my good bro @k33bsi (artist of the original art this one is based on) who will provide you... mostly with mdzs ngl but hey fandoms intersect in the most unexpected of ways maybe you guys will be into that

closeups under keep reading

[sparklecarehospital]

been reflecting on my year a bit, and i was thinking about something. i think i know what the best thing i did for myself this year was.

making cometcare public. making the ask blog.

ive had this AU stirring in my brain since 2019, ever since i got really attached to doomi during the haunted arc. one reason i went so long without revealing pollarrydoomi as a ship to readers was because doom's crush wasn't public information until late 2021.

i had kept his crush a mystery for 3 years, but revealed it after a fun experience where people figured out who it was through guessing. i'm pretty sure i did a poll about it? asking people to guess who they thought it was, and uni won the vote, meaning everyone had already figured it out.

after pollarrydoomi was revealed and i started drawing art for it and people made fanart for it, i still couldn't post any of my AU art because ally wasn't public and she and howie were in the AU. in july 2022, for the comic's birthday, i revealed ally as a character to the readers. others around the time had started to notice characters i had in pfps and i ended up telling everyone i did have pollarrydoomi ship kids, but i didn't make them public.

in november 2022, i revealed eve on toyhouse. after her reveal, i would soon reveal sly as well in december 2022 on my birthday (revealing sly as a birthday present to myself is such a funny gesture now that you guys know how important he is to me). over the next few weeks i revealed cream, frosty, and marco as well. all of the main cometkids except chem.

then one day someone out there suggested that i make an ask blog for the cometcare AU. it was such a spontaneous decision, and i didn't even really know what i was gonna do with it at first. i was just kinda messing around. but when i made the blog i realized that if i wanted this AU to be experienced in complete authenticity, i couldn't make uni cis.

so i revealed uni being trans through the blog, despite the fact i'd gone so many years without ever revealing her identity. why did i do it? there's a lot of reasons. not wanting to make her a "dad" in the AU contributed, but also i felt like it wouldn't be detrimental to the story to confirm a character being trans. it also made me (and the crew in general) a lot more comfortable being able to properly refer to uni with her actual pronouns.

making the ask blog really changed me, because finally i could share this little family and comfort story i'd built in my brain with the world and make it real and make content for it and let people consume it.

but what stopped me most of all?

i've said it many times before... but i felt like it was cringey.

i felt like making an AU with 93985893844 fankids in a ridiculous complicated polycule wasn't something a Serious content creator should do, and i was really worried the reception would be negative or people would think it was stupid or something. i did NOT expect it to become as popular as it is. the blog actually has more followers than the MAIN ASK BLOG for the canon comic. it was received SO POSITIVELY and the fact it was just kind of blows me away.

it means so much to me. being able to share the most special thing in my life with people and for people to actually like it and have fun with me and want to see it, and for me to be able to not have to follow strict professionalism about spoilers and chronological storytelling, and being able to change and add in things whenever i felt like it. it's such a freeing experience.

when i was a kid, i used to make stories and OCs and i didn't take them as seriously as i do the sparklecare reboot. this kind of turned into my entire life and career kinda, so i had to take it more seriously. but making this AU honestly just makes me feel like i'm a kid again, it makes me feel like i can have fun and literally do whatever the fuck i want without worrying what people think or if it's realistic or if it makes any sense.

i know though, that some people don't like pollarrydoomi. and i know why. whether it's because of being attached to barruni (of course, they're the canon ship and main characters, i get it) or just having discomfort with the idea of shipping doom with anyone when canonically he hasn't experienced a redemption arc... i get it. i know not everyone likes it.

and that's okay! people are entitled to having their own feelings about content. i understand it. and i've come to accept that's always going to be the case with anything i do with these characters.

but i'm still going to do this for myself. i do this because it makes me happy to just have fun and not worry about being serious all the time. it feels good, especially when it's with characters that are really really important to me.

cometcare is genuinely the most special and important thing i've ever made for myself, it's such a huge piece of my identity and it makes me who i am. and being able to make this story public and share it with people and share these things that have been in my brain for so long with others means so much to me.

that's why i think it was the best thing i've done this year. it's kind of literally changed my life to be able to talk about them. it's made me happier than i've ever been making content. i'm not just making it to entertain myself alone anymore, i'm making it to entertain others like i do with other stuff. and the fact people actually like it still is unbelievable to me.

so, i guess my outlook for next year as it comes is to continue to stop taking everything so seriously. i can tell my stories however i want to. i hope others can realize they can do this too.

please make whatever you want, whenever you what, as much as you want, even if it doesn't make sense or if it's "cringe". you will be so much happier when you realize as a creator you DON'T have to take all of this so seriously. the comic still exists and people read it even if i'm doing this. You Can Do Whatever You Want And Nobody Can Ever Stop You. the only person who can stop you is yourself when you let your inhibitions get in the way of your ability to create things for yourself.

have fun! life is too short to take everything you do seriously

[factual-fantasy]

@octonauts16 (Post in question) TLDR at the bottom!😅

Yeah, that was Wally <XD I doodled that on the screen while kind'a forgetting all the stuff I've talked about Welcome Home recently. How I don't wanna join the fandom and such..

But to be honest I've been kind'a torn on Welcome home over the past few days. I recently developed 3 big main reasons why I don't want to join the fandom and draw the characters. But those reasons are quickly starting to dissolve-

Reason #1. Now I don't know if I just saw the wrong side of the fandom, but it felt like everywhere I went there was shipping content. Cannon or not, it was everywhere. And of course I'm known for not liking ships or really drawing any lovey dovey content.. I was worried enough about people tagging all of my Welcome Home art as shipping, that I figured I'd save myself the trouble and just.. not post any art of it all together.

But then I thought about it.. I mean, Undertale was a huge shipping fandom too. And I was able to weasel my way around all of that and come out unscathed. Surly the Welcome Home shipping fandom wouldn't be much harder to navigate.. right?

Reason #2. I wasn't really sure.. what to draw exactly. Everyone seems to have their own interpretation for the story of Welcome Home. Wally's the Bad guy, no House is the bad guy and he's controlling Wally, no no Wally and House are both the bad guys together. Their world is real- no actually its all make believe and Wally is the only one who knows its fake- aaaa so many stories!

I felt like it would take a lot of work and research to make my own version/interpretation of the story and the characters. So I just dropped it and didn't want to bother. I'm still so busy...

...But then its like 4 AM and I have ideas for redesigns of every character, a story is being constructed, angsty situations are being plotted, lore is growing- I hardly know much about Welcome Home truly, yet I already have a whole world built that I wanna start drawing-

But! Its reason #3 that's kept me from drawing anything. Clown, the series creator.

Looking around the fandom.. It seems that Clown is like me. They have certain boundaries when it comes to their characters and what they do and do not approve of others drawing about it. I know about the copywrite issues they're dealing with.. people selling merch of their characters and profiting.. its really sad. But there's more to it.

I saw some artwork for Welcome home and went to the comments. Everyone was like "I'm so glad to finally find an artist that respects Clowns boundaries!" And I'm like uh oh- are people drawing things that make Clown uncomfortable? Has Clown been dealing with that? What are those boundaries? Is anything I would like to draw something that would cross said boundaries?

So out of laziness to not dig deeper to find these boundaries, but also wanting to RESPECT said boundaries.. I just cut off any artwork from being made all together.

But my interest in this series is definitely getting stronger. And maybe sometime after these projects are finally off my chest, I'll look into Clown and see if any of my artwork would cross a line..

For now I'm too lazy, and too busy to make any artwork for Welcome Home <XDDD Maybe someday though!

TLDR; The #1 reason why I haven't drawn Welcome Home fanart is because I think Clown has certain boundaries when it comes to fanart. And I don't know what they are, I am also too lazy to look into it. So I just decided to not draw anything at all until further notice <XDD

[dropthedemiurge]

Last Twilight Episode 10 Reaction

I wasn't even going to write my own posts of LT but this episode just delivered punch after punch! I couldn't help but comment, so–

I love to see Jimmy and Mark using their dramatic acting microexpressions attacks on my heart, i'm bleeding but I'm fascinated. Sea has grown a lot and acts so believable, I want to praise him. But damn, maybe it's because I actually remember Jimmy and Mark since Bad Buddy, the contrast is huge here. Jimmy also does that thing with the jaw that makes him look more manly and mature, none of the young and mischeivous Wai, in Vice Versa he also didn't reach this level of complexity, I think we all should bow to P'Aof & team for leading him.

I know I should be talking about Day who isn't crying while his family is devastated (he knew and was prepared and felt comfortable as long as he had Mork, they were not prepared) but I am biased... The way Night didn't even dare to touch Day when he wanted to comfort him at doctor office Т_Т And how later, at the dinner table he looked with such disbelief, and hesitantly started teasing Day as sibling again when Day reached out Т_т And how for months he felt he deserved to be silent, torn apart and uncomfortable, yelled at and judged for not taking care of his brother properly.

Noo, my heart!

But also Day and Mork, of course, the way Day bravely said "The last thing I saw in my life was his face", and Mork said "I'm sorry" and I can understand the mom going "you crossed over all lines with ny son, get out of my house", and it's probably huge red HR violation but Jimmy's big teary eyes aaaaah how could she not fold? I saw some comments on tumblr about the show not calling out her being abusive and everything, but I strongly disagree and I think it all makes sense. The strong single mom, the asian family, the unwanted oppression and self-misery that finally cracked during Christmas dinner – I could probably write my view on this in another post but who cares.

Dhskajvs I love how Porjai and Night are "patpraning" Mork and Day, like they are setting up plans to look like accidents just for two undestined lovebirds to be able to sneak out on a date from the parent who shouldn't know about it, very PatPran behavior xD Only friends are the one making it work xD

That's the face of a man giggling because he just declared himself a father and a future husband on his own (oh their mom is going to have a heart attack but who cares). "That's my child" - look at the sky, this night is so freaking green~ I'd say the real winner of that marathon was Night, Day maybe got a medal and a boyfriend but Night got a girl and a kid! xD His confidence is hot, but also I wouldn't hesitate a second as well if I saw Porjai available to be loved, I mean look at her! What a treasure.

I can't believe I was so on board and rooting for a hetero couple in a BL since the very first second but they are still going too damn strong. I love them. I shall draw a fanart.

Omg, pop-up books shout-out in a BL! First time seeing this. Okay, Day and Mork are freaking cute, I usually lose interest when characters start dating but they are so damn adorable and in their happy bubble here! Smiling and goofy Jimmy is all I need in this economy.

Master Aon is slaying on a dance floor, this actor is honestly stealing the show and I love it for him... I like how he shows being advanced and comfortable as visually impaired person in relationship with a girl that can see, the calling out and gestures and the comfort.

P'Aof and his damn heartwarming community scenes, first with MLC and now here, I knew what I walked in and still wasn't prepared for all the EmOtiOns<3

Promoting Oishii as one of the color paints is very creative but all it makes me think of is a VERY relatable situation with actual artists who put tea cup and water for paint on the same table... Yeah xD

Also, sniff kisses are so cute, fight me, westerns.

Lmao, Day even drew Jimmy's poor 5 o'clock shade above the lips fvsjakjahk I wonder which one of the staffs drew it, or was it actually Sea? No matter what, I bet this person had a lot of fun anyway :D

Okay, THERE ARE MORE SCENES THAT MAKE ME ALMOST CRY Poor Night, he was so unloved and judged in this family for a year, I will actually fight everyone to give him his own special beef stew.

He was going to distance himself out of guilt as a self punishment and feelings of 'the hero is here, the villain should vanish' supported by both people closest to him, but Day insisted he's a family and he should stay, reminding their mother of it… Oh no. So many feelings.

Again, it deserves another post. Where I talk about how Night feels like such a man, a protective adult who changed and is able and actively wants to take care of dear people, but who looks and feels like a small punished kid in his own family house. Day too, btw, but he hasn't found as much confidence as he struggles with blindness as well.

But I loved that family having fun scene. I loved it so much. That family trying out cake eating blindly was so nice, oozing of happiness. The curse of misery deserves to be broken, and the kids are the one breaking it, as usual. Mother should remember what's really important - her and her kids happiness, not control that's led by fear. But it's not easy. This is why this scene is so important, and filled with happy and relieved tears. Tbh I didn't feel like P'Aof glossed over the mother-son conflict, it's just that the narration feels... I don't wanna say more asian, it might be different from the sort of justice/revenge what some of the people wanted to see. I understand it and it hits home.

Oh I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, P'AOF!

Something tells me in a very loud way that this operation won't go well, look at Sea's face! The scene just screams "I still can't see anything". It would be such a P'Aof type of teaser as well, give hope and then trick into the opposite. I can't imagine him actually getting his vision cured. I'll fight myself if that's what actually happens in the next episode. It's a great way to show that you should just keep enooying life instead of regretting the cure.

[alicenpai]

🌟

anime north 2023 con report

finally posting this - thank you to everyone for a wonderful anime north!! \o/ this con prep season was the longest ive ever prepped for a con, and i think it was the busiest con for me ever. it makes me so happy to see people taking my art home!! 😭

so thank you for coming by anime north and chatting and supporting me! and thank you esp to the people who came by gifting their own merch?!??? - either fanart or ocs?! and im honored to see your beautiful ocs?!?? what the hell you guys are the GOAT thank you all 🥹🥹

it was so busy that i wish i had time to walk around & talk to other artists! i really wanted to get dango and onigiri at the delta too.. didnt really get time to eat so im sorry if you saw me shove 10 timbits in my mouth at the end of the con. yes i really did that .

throughout the con i kept saying "he just like me.. HE JUST LIKE ME FR!!!!!!!" every 5 seconds like an NPC. im sorry if you had to hear that more than once.

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i wasn't able to post my con catalogue for AN on tumblr and instagram... i was so busy.. dying... maybe if i do other cons this summer ill post something similar. i had a lot of new stuff this year so formatting it was rough haha. here it is! more thoughts under the cut (bc this report really is more for me, but maybe someone can find something useful)

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this is more for me honestly, so it will be really long. but i'm sharing it in case it may be helpful for others. i find that i'm always looking back at my old con reports, so typing out all of my thoughts are really useful to me. overall a great con, fellow artists and customers alike really inspire me to do better in my art.

comparisons to last year: (since i didn't end up making a con report last year!!!!!)

location: the artist alley layout was huge, and im really happy there are a lot more newcomers to the con scene. i know how much my first con experience meant to me, so i want others to join in on the fun! i don't know how the artist alley staff managed to fit so many artists in the building now! we got placed in a corner where there was a lot of breathing room, and a lot of traffic. i got lost a few times (didn't actually have time to walk around, but you know, it was to get in and out of the con centre and to the washroom/water station) because the amount of tables was overwhelming however, and the layout was super confusing. however i didn't feel as if there were any significant bottlenecks in traffic when i was taking some walk breaks.

commissions: last year it was still busy, but i still had some time to draw a handful of commissions. this year was a non stop barrage of customers! i think i may retire on the spot commissions at cons, just because ive always found it too stressful to draw right at the con, even if the traffic is slow. (and im lazy)

fandoms: last year i felt that it was... never so difficult to sell niche and old fandoms...? most people bought primarily 3 things from me at AN 2022, and not much else was touched. it was a struggle, and i even wondered if my art plateaued, if it wasn't good, if i should stop doing conventions altogether, at least for a little while. this year was so surprising with how much love there was for old and niche fandoms. two people from quebec came by and noticed the old fandoms and mentioned that if i was able to come to otakuthon, i should, people in mtl love nostalgia.. i'm gonna be honest otakuthon was pretty bad expenses-wise for me, but i heard it picked up since cons came back in 2022. it is a really beautiful city so mayhaps.. i will come for miss montreal.................

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and a separate section on the new merch i made:

the new sticker sheets i printed (one piece, baccano, breaking bad/better call saul) did so well! nts to add luffys scar bc apparently i forgot... ive seen this dumbass's face for hundreds of eps and yet i still forgot .

these are a far cry to the sticker sheets i designed in previous years. many sticker places restrict you on how many stickers you can place on a sheet due to spacing requirements... the more stickers you have + the closer they are, the higher the margin of error, which i understand is why many professional sticker printers have these restrictions in place.

the artists i worked with for my AN stickers are so genuinely nice and accommodating with my requests. I just went wild haha. the sheets with the most stickers are brba/bcs at 27 stickers and one piece at 32 stickers.

2021 (top) vs 2023 (bottom), the chara stickers on the new sheet are larger & 2x as many item stickers! the new design makes greater use of the space. my octopath 1 stickers are meant for planners but you could use it for anything!

in 2017 i could only realistically fit 6 ish stickers on a sheet (for vinyl, not cricut home printing) due to printing restrictions. these costed about $3.30 CAD per sheet from s/ticker/mule (not worth it for the price point AT ALL... but i wanted to try sheets for the first time)... and yes it's a tiny 4x7 as well. it was a hard sell for $7 in 2017. but im glad artists have been pricing them a bit higher + sheets have become much more customizable.

now on to charms:

i am so obsessed with this borderless charm look on the new charms... they look like candy... thank you guys for loving my new charms!! i tried out a new technique with designing charms. and im so happy with how they turned out. the charm manu was super accommodating and they are so much better than vograce who fucked up my order so bad in 2022 🤡👍

the soul eater charms from last year were kind of a precursor to this. last year i tried something a bit different than my usual with the transparent bgs, which require full bleed in the file setup, and that was already pretty new for me. i find that charm sales are usually pretty mid for me, so during the pandemic i took a soft break from making them, and i wanted to do research based on others' designs and really tried to improve my design sense. to me i want to design charms that aren't just a flat piece of artwork that gets printed, but something that utilizes the capabilities of the acrylic material it gets printed on 🤔

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fandoms/merch types i want to try next time i table:

more soul eater? it's one of my favourite animes and im very happy for the soul eater love this year. my partner kept selling out of her soul eater prints even though it was her first time tabling!

fma! ive been rereading AND rewatching it lately. it's one of my top 5 anime of all time so me drawing anything for it is a struggle, the bar is set so high. i never end up having the time or ideas to draw anything for it (and the aesthetics are very different from my usual taste)

shadows house has been one of my favorites recently!

dungeon meshi, the print i made was back in 2018 and i think it's time to retire it! it sold out at AN, thank you! with the way the story has developed in the last 5 years, i really want to draw something new for it if i can.

blue period needs more love!

golden kamuy.....

and many more.....

i also want to try mini prints maybe...

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administrative stuff:

next time before the con, i definitely need an organized chart i print out before the con so im not.. literally writing down each transaction... 🧍‍♀️

clamps...?

possibly new display? grids even with plastic panels are heavy... and they can be a pain to put up. this AN we had our neighbors and good friends @nappotuna & @stripeyworm helping us put the grids up, they did an absolute speedy banger job! but it might have taken way longer without 4 hands on the grid work.

if we had used tape to hold our prints up as well who knows how long it would have taken. we used magnets, apparently a lot of people were using them at TCAF. they were so easy to put up and adjustable. *jesse pinkman voice* MAGNETS, BITCH!!!!!!!

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merch i may shelve/do less of:

i really appreciate when artists talk about these kind of things behind the scenes... when products do well, when others dont, products w surprising responses, the factors that we think affect sales... the hard truth is that not everything sells, just bc the art is good =/= good sales, etc etc.

lately ive found it so fun to design sticker sheets over individual die cut stickers!! i understand now why some people only specialize in stickers!! it's also such a pain to stock individual characters and have greatly varying levels, bc of customer interest, and bc of how printing stickers works, you often get extras of random characters due to overflow 😭.. like at some point I had 7 jeannes and like only 1 of the other vnc charas bc the printer had so many extras and she's arguably less popular HDHFJSJHDJS anyways, i think i'll probably do less die cut individual stickers for my next con...

anything old that i only have 1 or a few copies left (meaning i won't reprint) i may not have for display anymore bc of space concerns... before my next con ill just post them on social media to have people claim them!

i may want to do less 3" charms in the future...? theyre a hard sell online prob bc i cant really do deals (i could but id have to be checking the stock every few hours which is not ideal), but they do a lot better in person due to deals.

it's been fun to try specialty products (I've tried scrunchies, stamps, pouches, microfiber cloths, coasters, enamel pins), but i... find they dont sell well for me... maybe my art doesnt have that wide mainstream nostalgic merch type appeal idk... maybe im just not good at designing or advertising them wahahaha. (specialty charms are still charms and i wouldn't necessary consider them a part of this)

my jojo buttons were really popular at anime north 2019 and fan expo 2019, but when the part 5 anime concluded, i noticed that interest for the interest completely moved on 😭 (or it's possible that everyone who was interested bought the buttons already?). part 6 anime didn't rejuvenate the same level of interest. it was a struggle to sell even more than a handful of these at each AN 2022 and 2023. right now they're taking up a lot of space in my con luggage that i'd prefer for newer, better art. i still love the art i did, but unfortunately, i think ill give them a go if i get into otakuthon (and maybe fanexpo too), then it'll be time to retire the jojo buttons. sometimes fandoms come and go so fast, and it's difficult to keep old merch around when they don't have any more interest and when they're occupying a lot of space.

my banana fish lollipop charms do not sell well, and i only sold 5 of them in a 3 year period, across cons and my shop. i created a bargain bin at AN, and it really helped me get rid of old things! unfortunately even in the bargain bin i could not sell a single one of the banana fish charms. maybe it's the art that's not appealing, the characters aren't recognizable, the price point for a lollipop charm was too high, i wasn't hitting the right audience, the market was slow around the time, even when it was included in my promo post... etc. these lollipops were my first time making specialty charms. unfortunately i think that's the last time making lollipop charms, and about time to recycle these charms, so that i have space for fresher and better art!

other thoughts moving on:

maybe go back to simplifying my art a lot more... if i keep making drawings like my great ace attorney tarot + zine, witch hat atelier print, and pandora hearts print, then id not only take 1 month per illustration, id also be destroying my arm 😭 i stopped stylizing my art in 2021 bc i found that my art was getting sloppy in 2020 + i was really struggling in life drawing in school. i needed to buckle down and be more conscientious when drawing poses, learning anatomy and structure... and bc getting back into anime in 2021 really helped me cope with the isolation of the lockdown, so that had a huge influence on my style. but bc of that i think it just took longer and longer to make illustrations and that's something i no longer really wish for.

i really like the period of my art in 2017 with a lot of my persona 4/5 art bc it still has structure even though it's simplified... and the style in my zelda icon... mayhaps experiment a bit more this summer if i can...

[megidoreyn]

Heyyy it's about the art questions

I would like to know your answer in 18 (the purpose) and 22 (artspiration).

I would also ask 3 but I'd completely understand if you prefer not to answer

The rest are already answered

Hope you have a great month. ;D

Hey there! Thanks for the questions!

⭐️3. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand

→ It was a real trip down memory lane to look back on some of these, but here's a sample of some old things from 2021-early 2022! (Prior to posting on social media in Aug 2022) Back then, I didn't have any real incentive to improve my art outside of drawing quick sketches like the pictures above. I had issues being cleanly (due to lack of motivation), committing to learning character details, and more LOL. →Fun fact, I drew on a very tiny 11 inch screen 4GB RAM laptop with horrible color calibration for about 3 years until finally getting something better in early 2022 too LOL. It might be noticeable in some of the above pictures with the color choices being a little too light or too saturated, LOL.

→As also seen at the bottom of this post, It might come as a surprise that I also draw fanart for my favorite assorted fandoms outside of megaten too, LOL. I just never post it in public since they're meant as warm-up doodles!

To be honest, 2020 thru late 2022 was a very low point in my life. I had given up on all creative endeavors at the time due to: My career, being diagnosed with a bodily issue of which the effects I still deal with even today, and other personal issues.

It truly wasn't until late 2022 (when I started posting online) that I truly felt confident picking up my tablet pen again and view art in a more positive light…!

NGL I had written out my entire life story here but ended up deleting it--it would have made this post terribly long regardless LOL💦 Perhaps it'll be a story for another time, though!!🙏 And it absolutely has to do with why the Samurai husbands mean lot to me!

⭐️18. What is your purpose for drawing?

→ That's a good question! For me, (especially due to my visual agnosia) it'd have to be the ability to draw whatever comes to mind with skill and precision. To not hold back and draw whatever comes into your mind's eye without fear or hesitation from others (or your own critical inner voice)… And to be able to properly convey the meaningful themes of your work as clearly as they come into your mind... That, to me, is true freedom.

➡️As for BL content: Despite not posting much of it in public (yet), my purpose in drawing BL (or OTP content in general) is to transmit feelings of love + warmth in my art! To depict tenderness, warmth, and love with affectionate, natural-looking body language to make it as believable + realistic as possible...That's always been my goal! →The world is a scary place out there. Though, if my OTP content can make someone feel a slight glimmer of peace, tranquility, or even hope to keep moving forward...then I'll be incredibly happy!🙏💕 It's always my intention to convey nothing but sweet wholesome vibes and warmth with my pictures, and I truly hope that feeling comes across too. ➡️I'll be super candid and say I actually really enjoy angst and raunchy content as much as everyone else! But drawing wholesome + sweet characters in love just comes much sooo much easier and naturally as breathing to me, LOL. Just because I don't post angst or raunchy things, doesn't mean I dislike it! ☝️

⭐️22. List at least one of your “artspirations.”

→ I tend to gravitate towards professional artists with thick painting (厚塗り) coloring styles, dynamic illustrations, and artists that have a strong grasp of anatomy, character design and storytelling! It's hard to pick just one, so here's a brief selection of ones that come up at the top of my head right now!

Thanks again for the questions! Have a wonderful January and rest of your 2024 as well!✨🌟

[backgroundagent3]

for the grishverse asks…just all of them, if you’re okay with that ofc!

Thanks for the ask! This was so much fun to think about. 💙

There's some that I'd already answered, so I tried to give new responses. It got quite long, and there's a lot of spoilers, so keep reading under the cut.

Shadow: rank all the Grishaverse books you’ve read.

Six of Crows. Almost tied with Crooked Kingdom. This is one of my favourite books ever. The characters are some of my favourite characters ever, and the ships are perfect. I love how detailed their backstories and personalities are, it makes them so believable and nuanced. I'm a sucker for heists and plot twists I can barely comprehend, so this is the perfect book for me.

Crooked Kingdom. More of the characters, ships and storylines I've already fallen in love with? Yes please. I ate up all the Kanej content, and I was so sad when it ended, it's such a great duology.

King of Scars. Another great book. Maybe the plot wasn't as good, and it felt a little slow, but Zoyalai? The Grisha Triumvirate? Genya and David? Perfection. Honestly a book can have the most boring plot ever, but as long as I get interesting characters with great dynamics I won't care, I'm here for them and them only.

Ruin and Rising. I remember the original trilogy very vaguely, but I thought this was the best book out of all of them. It definitely wasn't perfect, I found the storyline of the tunnels so suffocating, and every time someone mentioned the Apparat I wanted to throw the book across the room, but overall it was a nice conclusion to the trilogy.

Shadow and Bone. It's not perfect, but clearly good enough to get me hooked. I was instantly amazed at the worldbuilding, and I liked the way we're introduced to the different elements of the Grishaverse. Sometimes it's too much information at once, or you get confused because something hasn't been properly introduced, but Leigh Bardugo did a great job of that, and paces it well.

Rule of Wolves. I liked most of the book and I absolutely loved the moments focused on Zoya, but it completely ruined Nina for me. I loved her so much before, but here I got bored on every chapter that was about her. I think a lot of her character development was ruined on this book, and her ending was so bad.

Siege and Storm. The only reason this book is ranked last is I can barely remember anything. I liked Nikolai, but Mal and Alina were so annoying.

Bone: have you seen the show? What’s the best part of it?

I have seen it, and even though it's far from perfect, it's one of my favourite shows ever. Even though it's hard, I do have to separate it from the books to be able to enjoy it properly though, because let's be honest, it's not a very good adaptation. So considering that, I loved the cast and the times the crows were on screen. I think my favourite part overall was during season 2, when the crows and Zoya went on their little side quest to Shu-Han. I also loved Genya and David, they were adorable, but I'm gonna have to go on to the next question before I start thinking about them too much.

Siege: if you got to kill off one character, who would it be?

I don't know, the Darkling? I couldn't believe he was still alive in King of Scars, and it felt a little forced to be honest. Or Tante Heleen.

Storm: share and tag your favorite fan art.

My favorite fanarts these Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom papercrafts by @rosiethorns88. The level of details is insane, I could look at it for hours. I also really love @kayadraws and @chemdoodles artworks. I couldn't choose a specific one because they're all so cute and fun, and I love the styles in which they draw the characters.

Ruin: favorite character?

Like I said, Leigh Bardugo writes amazing characters, so this is a really tough choice, but overall I have to go with Inej Ghafa. Honorable mentions to Zoya, Kaz, Nina, Genya and Nikolai.

Rising: what’s the best ship? Canon or otherwise.

Again, a lot of amazing ships, but Kanej will always be my favourite, closely followed by Zoyalai.

Six: favorite Grishaverse quote?

I've answered this one here, but another quote I love is this one from the King of Scars duology:

Zoya of the lost city. Zoya of the garden. Zoya bleeding in the snow. You are strong enough to survive the fall.

Both quotes hit really hard as I read them, cause they were such defining moments for Inej and Zoya, where they realise their potential and who they really are, so they were very special to me.

Crow: which crows do you most and least like?

I answered this here, so I'm gonna do my second most and least favourites. My second favourite is Kaz. I think it's really cool how he's such a complex character but in a way that doesn't redeem him, if that makes any sense. Like he might be willing to change and improve himself, but he's still very much a ruthless criminal. I also love how he is completely aware of that, especially when it comes to Inej. As for my second lest favourite, I guess Wylan? Don't get me wrong, I still love him, but the other crows are just perfect to me.

Crooked: if you got to rewrite the first chapter of Six of Crows, how would you do it?

I don't think I'd rewrite it, I'd just have another chapter before that one, with at least one of the crows and an introduction to the plot of Joost's chapter. I remember reading it and being so confused, because it jumps straight into what's a pretty complicated story. If I did have to rewrite it, I would write it from one of the crows' perspective, because it was really confusing not seeing Joost at all during the rest of the book, and I don't think it would have been very hard to have maybe Inej sneak into the Van Eck mansion to spy.

Kingdom: pick a character and give them a theme song.

I've answered this one here, but recently I've been thinking of Jesper whenever I listen to Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons.

King: what’s your favorite idea for a new series in the Grishaverse?

Maybe not for a new series, but I like the idea of continuing Rule of Wolves where they left it, so we could have another heist with the crows looking for Sankt Feliks's heart, which would tie in the Six of Crows and the King of Scars duologies together. I think it would be such a great story for so many reasons. For starters, it gives a reason for the crows and the King of Scars gang to interact more, which I'd love to see. Genya would be able to heal from losing David and maybe get a cool storyline focusing more on her. We'd get to see more of Zoya as the queen, and her relationship with Nikolai. Heist shenanigans. Wesper being dragged into a new mission. Kaz trying to trick the Ravkans. Zoya not having any of his nonsense. Kanej. Inej as Captain Ghafa. Kanej. Tolya and Tamar meeting the crows. KANEJ. And above all else, a chance to fix Nina's ending. So. Much. Potential.

Scars: which character deserved better?

Well on that note, I'm gonna go with Nina. Also Genya and David!!

Rule: favorite book cover?

Six of Crows. I love how the crow's feathers also act as the silhouette of Ketterdam.

Wolves: sort all the characters you can into Hogwarts houses, (or choose to give them zodiacs, mbtis, alignments, etc—).

I'm gonna go with Hogwarts houses because I know nothing about zodiacs or any of those things.

Kaz Brekker: Slytherin.

Inej Ghafa: Ravenclaw.

Jesper Fahey: Gryffindor.

Nina Zenik: Gryffindor.

Wylan Van Eck: Ravenclaw.

Matthias Helvar: Hufflepuff.

Kuwei Yul-Bo: Ravenclaw.

Alina Starkov: Hufflepuff.

Malyen Oretsev: Gryffindor.

Nikolai Lanstov: Slytherin.

Zoya Nazyalensky: Slytherin.

Genya Safin: Hufflepuff.

David Kostyk: Ravenclaw.

Tolya Yul-Bataar: Ravenclaw.

Tamar Kir-Bataar: Gryffindor.

The Darkling: Slytherin.

Ketterdam: change the ending of one of the books.

I think I'd just have something at the end of Rule of Wolves that indicated that there was definitely going to be another book about that heist I was talking about. I also said about how much I hated Nina's ending, but honestly, I don't think that could be fixed by just changing the ending, especially after spending two whole books undermining her character development.

Os Alta: when did you get into the Grishaverse? Tell us all about it.

It was in July 2021, and I went camping with my friends and family. Every night my friend read me and my other friend a bit of Six of Crows, which she had recently discovered and was obsessed with. We got really into it, and she convinced me to read the books. As soon as we got back home I started reading Alina's trilogy, then the duologies. Because my friend had only read the Six of Crows duology, I convinced her to read the rest, so full circle moment.

Djerholm: what pair of characters would you kill to see interact with each other?

Inej and Zoya above all, but also Kaz and The Darkling, cause I just think it would be hilarious. Picture the most powerful man in the world, who's been around for centuries, practically rules over a country and all the magical people in it, and is responsible for the most dangerous and horrific creation to ever exist. Now picture an emo teenager who's into magic and calls the love of his life an investment. The Darkling would not stand a chance.

The Unsea: what type of Grisha powers would you want to have? Or what crow’s skills would you want to steal?

If I was Grisha I would love to be a Tidemaker. As for the crows I think Inej's skills would be fun to have.

The True Sea: rant about whatever Grishaverse thing you want to (a hot take, something that bothers you, something you love, etc).

I think I've ranted enough for one post, and I'm too tired to think right now, but I would love to talk more about any of these things, just pop back in my ask box whenever you want.

This has been so much fun to write, so thanks again for the ask! 💙

[daydreamerfox]

Hi! I have a few things I wanna say! It's all under the cut so it won't occupy too much space, also, please enjoy this cute fanart of Layla, my child who I relate to way more than I wish I did

Maybe you’ve noticed that I've been kinda quiet the past few weeks… or months… Well, there’s a reason for that. At first I wasn't motivated at all to keep working with art, I mean, let's be real here, it's not really the easiest thing to work with... and we all know that. That fact plus not having my own computer to work whenever I want can lead to a lot of frustration. Feeling like drawing, but not being able to because of many reasons outside of my control can make my motivation vanish really quickly. I’m sure a lot of you can vouch for me on that, artist or not.

The thing is: I have been trying to keep going besides that, because "it's just a phase, things will get better, I just need to push past it" to a point where it was just bad for me in general and completely unhealthy.

I was avoiding drawing as much as I could and, when I did draw, I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be, because I kept getting distracted with everything else, procrastinating it as much as I could without realizing it, which would just lead to more and more frustration with myself.

I felt like I was falling behind, I wasn’t being able to post as frequently as I wanted to, so I thought maybe finishing Illustrations quickly was the way to go, but that would lead to me wanting to draw whatever and even then not being happy with the results. When I was happy with it it just didn’t get the attention I was expecting it to get, which just made me frustrated again and made me try to push myself even more, even though I didn’t have the tools I needed to finish any art piece on the time I decided to do it or I’d just pull all nighters just to get something done.

Whenever I thought of strategies of how to fix my problem I just felt lost. I knew where I wanted to get, what I wanted for myself, but I didn’t know what I should do to get there, I couldn’t get to a conclusion about it no matter what I tried. It just felt like I was doing a lot of work, but with no direction and it just made me be stuck at the same place, which would just tire and stress me instead of giving me any gratification

It got to a point where I genuinely thought about giving up working with art for good. If it was so bad for me, why would I keep trying, right? Maybe I should just try to find something I could work with instead, something that wouldn’t stress me so much, but I have to admit that just thinking about that possibility made me so anxious! Imagine myself not creating something as a career, not working on getting my comic done, not making my ocs be known, not creating art for games, it all just filled me with anxiety.

I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. Continue working in the way I was working was just tiring me, stressing me and just being terrible for me in so many different ways, but at the same time I know I need to do it for my mental health. I need to vent out, I need to express myself and the easiest way for me is through my art!

All I could think of the entire time was that I wanted my mom to still be here and help me find out what I should do!

It was a terrible weekend where I was thinking about it nonstop and wondering what to do and what path I should take. I was trying to organize my bedroom to at least try to keep my head occupied with something else for a moment, and then I found an old notebook where my mom wrote something for me and along with many things she wrote:

“Never give up on your dreams. Know that sometimes they don’t come true in the time we want because there’s always the right time for it to happen”

It might not seem much for you but this sentense alone kind of made everything click for me. It was just the one thing I needed, the advice from my mother I was looking for.

I think it’s important to say that I didn’t feel better right away, but at least I knew I couldn’t give up like I was thinking about doing. When my friends asked me what would be my decision, I still wasn’t sure, but I knew I couldn’t and I wouldn’t give up, so I wanted to try at least one last time…

Honestly I wanted to start working on it right away but I caught a cold right after I had that decision. I guess that was something else I needed: Time for me to plan out what I would do, rest, allow my body and brain to breath for a moment and not feel bad about it, just respect myself and not worry about being late for something I wasn’t late for. I shouldn't strain my body and I'm trying to understand that still. It’s not easy.

While I didn’t feel well enough to work I took a few classes on how to do what I’m planning to work on and, while that didn’t answer all my questions, at least that helped me a lot on knowing what path I should take to get to my goal. I know it won’t be easy, I know it won’t be quick, but knowing what I need to do to get there is enough for me not to be as anxious about running in circles trying to get somewhere. Even if sometimes I still get scared thinking about that possibility.

Ever since then I’ve been trying to organize myself, I’m documenting it, making a few vlogs (It’s in portuguese, but I can subtitle it for the people who can’t speak portuguese, if you guys want it). I’m planning on talking about what’s working for me and what isn’t, what are my thoughts about this process and what I wanna keep doing or not. Maybe some of it might help someone who’s struggling like I was, and if it does, then I’ll already be happy.

Making videos like that is something new for me, so it might take a bit long for now, but I want to make something nice for everyone. I’ll also write down my thoughts about it, post it here and on my other social media (I’ll try to make something kinda regular, but I’m still thinking about how often I’ll do it.) I know not everyone enjoy watching videos and sometimes can focus better on reading things and either way that’s a way for myself to organize my thoughts. I’ll write it down anyway, the difference is that I’ll post it and hopefully help someone.

I might add a few WIPs here and there, but it’ll mostly be focused on my organization and my journey to become the artist I wanna be.

I’ve also found a notion template that is actually working for me and I’m able to organize all the posts for different platforms I was so desperately trying to make (it's easier to keep track of everything if they’re in just one plae and it’s easier to reschedule things if they’re digital)

It’ll be a long way, I know that, but I’m glad I haven’t given up yet and you guys are more than welcome to join me, if you want to! I'll love to share this with you and know what's working and what isn't working for you guys! We can always share tips and tricks with each other!

I hope to be able to show up here more often and that you guys can have fun and maybe feel motivated to follow your dreams or try to reach your goals too. Maybe I’m dreaming a bit too high, but I just need to be patient and keep working for it, trying to make things work and most importantly, not giving up!

On a higher note: my sister helped me fix a laptop so I can work on it most of the time and a friend of mine is helping me build an actually good computer for myself, though I don’t know how long the latter will take, it’s already good news… at least in my opinion.

Here's my youtube channel for those who want to check on the vlogs (though I'll still let you guys know when a new video's out)

And if you prefer any other social medias:

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/daydreamerfox.art/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/daydreamerfox Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/daydreamer_fox

[paperboy-pb]

Now that the prologue is done, I can't thank the fans of this series enough.

No, we haven't hit any particular follower milestone. The story has just begun. And most of you haven't given me any sort of financial support to help me out, either. (And that's alright! I haven't asked, lol.)

I'm thanking you for just being apart of the audience.

I started PB in a little blue notebook during the summer of 2015. It was originally meant for my eyes only. And a big part of the reason why was that, when I googled things like "Special Ed makes me feel bad," there wouldn't be much of anything coming up. There were Quora forums! A couple of YouTube videos. Articles here and there.

But it wasn't a lot. Not enough to help me out for long. And it only hammered the idea further into my head that I was alone in what I endured. As I got older, grew up, and away from the program and people who took my disabled youth, I constantly felt this urge to talk about it. What SpEd had put me through. What I'd lost. What I'd seen & heard. The things I did and didn't learn. Even though I was never a very open kid, let alone teenager.

I hated that no one was talking about it. And how nobody knew what happened to kids like me behind closed doors. At 13 and 14, almost none of the new friends I made had ever heard a life story like mine. And I've always found that wild: I had a LOT of friends! (Still do!)

So I kept drawing it out. Kept working on the story in notebooks, sketchbooks, my friends' DMs, and anywhere else words could go. Sometimes, my family would catch glimpses of the concept art. Sad sketches of Matthew crying, freaky drafts of Monster, or tense moments between what would become Class 7-C.

And one of my parents would be like, "Why is your art so depressing?" They'd roll their eyes. And they'd add on, "People's parents aren't gonna like it!"

No, I never told them what the story was about. I never even told them it was a children's media (because it kinda isn't! I'd personally put PB as 13+?) These were judgments made with just one glance at computer papers covered in pencil strokes; sketchy and shapey little kids who didn't look like they were having fun.

I knew they were wrong. But the audacity still pissed me off. There aren't many times where it's appropriate to boss somebody else around in how to tell their story, you know? Not only that, but I also worried about not having an audience back then. Sure, all my friends loved my work. But at the time, I was the only one who'd really experienced anything "Special Education" in life. Thus, these were General Ed kids watching it unfold. Able-bodied eyes and (as far as I knew back then) neurotypical minds, watching and learning from whatever I made.

And I liked that. But that wasn't the only group I wanted to be seen by. I wanted disabled people, especially youth in their teens and twenties, to see it. That's my primary audience. And shit like that made me wonder if I'd ever find it. Had me second-guessing myself a little, you know?

But I shook it off. It's like that thing teachers always say in class. "If you're confused or have a question, ask: whatever it is, you probably aren't the only one thinking it!"

And I searched for stuff like PAPERBOY, hadn't I? Yeah. I had. So by that logic, other people definitely would be, too.

So I stuck to my guns, and... check it! Y'all showed up!

One thing I've noticed ever since publishing part 1 is that the PB Nation is pretty damn devoted. You guys have been patient, passionate, silly, and unapologetically yourselves since the get-go. And the response to every old promotional comic or post I've made has been OVERWHELMINGLY positive and curious. I've gotten fucking fanart, man! More than once! I've had the honor of meeting a few of you in person already! And for the ones who haven't caught me out with my friends in New York, believe me, I REMEMBER who comments what.

By the way, you guys should spam my comments more. Fuckin' love that shit. SPEAK TO ME, lmao. Even if it's like, the most irrelevant PB question ever. Keyboard smash in my comment sections. Send me disability reels you like. Tell me what you wanna see from the story. Whatever, as long as it doesn't bleed into parasocial territory!

I've gotta have one of the best audiences out there. So thank you! For just... being around. Here's to hoping y'all enjoy the journey we're aboutta go on.

[horsewizardart]

Dare To Be Stupid

I hit 1500 followers on Twitter today and decided to do a little writeup on how drawing ponies has made me feel. The long and short of it is that making inherently silly just-for-fun art like the stuff I’ve been posting has been really freeing for me in a time in my life when I don’t know what my relationship to art is anymore. Thanks to everyone for sharing and enjoying my stuff; seeing it spread around has been really unexpected for me, and I appreciate how nice you’ve all been.

Longer post after the break; I can be very self-reflective a lot of the time so this has been on my mind for awhile.

So here’s the main point: Drawing ponies has restored a lot of the joy that I get from working on projects, after a couple years of having a pretty rough relationship to art. For the majority of my life I have thought that I wanted to have a creative career. However, pursuing that idea has, historically, made me less willing and able to actually be creative. When I focused on this idea, I became self-conscious, scared of what I was or wasn’t making, unwilling to follow threads that I thought would be interesting because of fear of making a bad impression on a future boss I didn’t even really want to have. At some point in 2020, after I graduated college and started working a grueling production art job, I stopped posting new work online and only drew when I felt like I absolutely had to. I was thinking of myself less of a person and more as a potential employee at Future Better Job. I’m still untangling that web in my personal art; I draw nearly every day now, but it still takes a very long time for me to come up with an idea I want to pursue from start to finish outside of fanart. 

Contrast that to pony stuff - earlier this year when I decided I was gonna start posting my pony drawings, it wasn’t in pursuit of anything beyond sharing what I had been making. I've always been hated doing commissions, so there wasn't a financial incentive, and the fact that I'm using a big company's intellectual property means there'd be some Challenges in trying to make anything more out of it than this. The fact that people are interested in my stuff has been an incredible surprise, and has also compelled me to poke my head out a bit and try to make some friends (note that outside of ponies I’ve never been a fandom person, and there’s about a five or six year gap between when I was first interested in ponies and when I got back into it a couple years ago, so I’m still a little new to that part).

It’s also helped me see an alternate path forward, where I can maybe truly separate work from passion. In hindsight this should have been a little more of an obvious thing; I am a certified Jobs Hater who, even at a job I was generally pretty fond of, has spent every minute on the clock wishing the clock would catch fire. Probably makes sense that crossing those two streams would be a tough thing to make work.

This may seem like a lot of fuss over drawings of the famous little ponies holding up video game consoles and drinking Monster but drawing incredibly stupid things (in a good way) has been way more rewarding than I’d have ever expected. It’s helped me find the joy in experimenting and playing around with what I’m making instead of evaluating its potential outcome. It probably didn’t have to be ponies that opened this up for me, but I’m glad that it is. Thanks for being here.

[aroaceconfessions]

Before finding out that asexuality was a thing, I forced myself to read some very mild ero/hentai manga. They were more than ecchi as it was more than nudity, but not going too far either, I avoided smut as I already knew it made me uncomfortable. I was 18 at the time, these things weren't as scary anymore (I accidentally had seen some terrible ppg fanart that had burnt into my eyes, so I saw it each time I closed my eyes and bothered me constantly from when I was 13, but when I became 18 it disappeared). But... Even though I supposedly wasn't bothered as much by them anymore... I didn't like them either, they just made me uncomfortable. The talk about s*x made uncomfortable, heck just talk about m**trubation made me uncomfortable. Fetish fuel made me uncomfortable as always (which made me scared of Totally Spies when I was younger).

A girl talking about wanting to be seen as sexy by her crush but didn't want him to look at anyone else wasn't something could empathise with. I'm not interested in romance or things like that, but I can emphatise with wanting someone to like you as it's important in friendship as well. But her wanting something like that felt alien to me. Genitalia are gross, why would you want someone else's to have some gross reaction to it? Then I tried some GL, I got happy for the characters being with someone they cared about, just like with not overly romantic couples in other stories, but like with them I never got "turned on". I've never had "anime crushes" or a "I'd tap that" reactions to actors, maybe aesthetically pleasing as I love drawing (but have stagnated for a while, mostly because getting art requests from people wanting erotic shit have ruined some of the enjoyment for me... Also that when I wasn't able to draw well with a drawing tablet right away my dad called it a waste of money, and now just drawing feels like a waste of time...), enjoying how they are written, appreciating their kindness, but nothing more.

I tried really hard to be normal™ that day, but it really didn't work, and never tried again because I didn't feel the need to. It just wasn't for me. Just one of my adult friends (people who were adults when I grew up, good aunts and uncles) believed me and was supportive when I told her that I feel like I'm aroace (this even though she wanted me to get together with her son earlier as she'd like me to officially become family and she thought we might get along due to similar hobbies and personalities, but when I told her she stopped "shipping" immediately). My mom and an aunt always go through a "you'll find someone eventually" charade whenever I tell them, which hurts as I feel pretty close to them. An psychologist I went to because of my PTSD seemed accepting at first, but would wear revealing clothing for the rest of our sessions, almost pushing her chest into my face (which is a harassment I'm pretty sure, I wanted to report her, but didn't dare to as she's apparently the friend of one of my mom's friends).

Do I wish I wasn't aroace? Not really, I'm happy the way I am. I wish I was braver and dared to go out more and make friends and eat at restaurants just I want to eat at alone, or confidentially order just a glass of water and have fun at a barcade. But I don't want a romantic partner, it just isn't for me. When I see friends and cousins having a romantic moment with their partner, it just doesn't look that interesting to me being more than a friend. Kissing and sharing salvia and crumbs sounds just gross. As long as there isn't a huge imbalance or you are forcing yourself, do what makes you happy, but do not expect my happiness to lie within the same things. As everyone's happiness is different, and that's okay.

[clowngremlin]

u know, i thought maybe one of my medications was making it so i didn't have like an interest in stuff that i used to have or that like i felt dulled down and such things, but actually i think it was either depression or negative symptoms of my schizospec disorder because i was put on mood stabilizers and a higher dose of one of my antipsychotics and like i feel engaged in my interests again and i'm like drawing fanart for things i like again and imagining scenarios with The Characters and i feel a lot more vibrant like how i used to feel before i had my episode in 2022.....i'm also able to like get myself to do household chores and like make food for my older brother and i when my dad is at work instead of what i used to do which was eating cold leftovers from the fridge because i couldn't even motivate myself to microwave it, and i've been keeping my room tidy and keeping up on doing my laundry and other household tasks like dishes.......and i'm going for my walks again because i wasn't doing that for a while due to paranoia and like not finding the motivation to do anything besides sit and rot and go on my laptop.....i am doing a lot better now i think :>

[bloodgulchblog]

I got distracted and remembered @ladyknightskye did a tag thing that I felt like responding to, so here's that. (You can also do it if you want?)

Your name: Zita. Just call me Zita.

Your first fandom(s): Uhhhhhh I guess the first one I really went online for was Pokemon? I was into the end of Pokemon fandom where people did crossovers with everything and had absolutely wild OC adventures set in America for no reason. That kind of thing.

Your current fandom(s): Mostly Halo. I have other things I like, but Halo's kept me pretty busy. RvB if you talk me into it. Tabletop rpgs too. (And I mean "tabletop rpgs," I have some favorites but I'm really into watching the whole field.)

How did you first get into fandom?: I was real young back in the 90s during the Pokemon craze and, at that point in Internet history, you could go to the library and check out a book that was JUST a listing of Pokemon fan websites. A literal book. That a someone sold for actual money. That's how I first ran into personal sites belonging to pokemon nerds, and webrings, and fanfiction, and all that other stuff.

How long have you been engaging in fandom spaces?: I was active on fanfiction.net when I was like 8 years old. I didn't have an account, though. I was just really insufferable in peoples' review sections, but that was pretty normal. There were a lot of kids doing that. I am often not really active in "fandom" spaces but over the years I've generally had people to hang out with and talk to even if I wasn't posting fanfiction or w/e.

How often do you read fanfics?: Rarely. Like, to the point where I feel bad about not engaging with other fans' work as much as I'd like to. As I've gotten older, I've had less and less free time and more and more difficulty focusing. I count myself lucky when I successfully get through something. There's a lot of excellent work out there that I just am not able to stick my eyes to for long enough.

Top three characters from your current fandom(s):

DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE????

We all know Chief's the top of the Halo pile for me but the competition for spot #2 is so ferocious I can't even do it.

I love so many of them. ;_;

Anyway I guess because we're on this blog: Grif is the best RvB. Followed very closely by Carolina. And then the third spot falls too hard into tossup territory.

Have you ever written fic for a fandom?: Oh yeah bro I got a link on this blog.

Have you ever drawn fanart for a fandom?: I don't draw as much as I used to, like once or twice a year anymore, but boy did I used to. I still draw tabletop characters sometimes, because I tend to gravitate to nonhuman characters that require some effort on my part to make a token for.

Share a personal headcanon that you feel very strongly about:

…I feel like I do that on my blog constantly and nothing I could say would be a surprise to anyone.

And finally, what does fandom mean to you?: Something fun to think about because so many other things I have to think about are… not fun at all. Even better because you get to do it with people and some of them turn out to be really cool to talk with.

[spikyshores]

ok, so this is my art blog, and several people followed me after i posted a few madness combat jokes, and i feel bad right now because madness was my special interest for like a year and a half and i feel like i very suddenly just stopped being able to get happiness out of it a few days ago. tl;dr my special interest is likely dying or at least i can't tolerate the feeling of obligation to draw it and i feel guilty for attracting people to this blog expecting that only for me to likely abruptly stop posting about it, so if anyone wants to unfollow over that i understand and won't be offended. sorry. also sorry to everyone who followed me from the start and has to deal with me making tons of fanart for stuff you don't care about whenever i get a new interest. i know it's not actually a big deal but it simply feels that way because i am autistic. thanks.

like i realized i was putting all this energy into caring and basically pathetically simping and getting emotional about missing the premier and then my body just rejected it. i was like why am i suffering so much, why am i doing this? and some part of me i guess got disgusted with myself and decided to just run away. obviously it's actually my mind that rejected it but i'm using the "body" language because that's the way it felt, like just an overwhelming reaction. and i'm actually pretty upset about it because i was pretty deeply emotionally attached and still am and yet my body is rejecting it because i used everything it had to give me up and/or feel trapped or something. really hard to explain. it's also about my feelings of throwing my life away not making good enough original art and not respecting myself enough as an artist to seek out original self expression etc.

i think maybe what happened overall was i committed myself to this one interest for a long time because i was attached and really didn't want to let go even though i should've let go before and then my brain suddenly forced me to stop and also i'm still attached and there's a chance i'll get re-interested but then this will just happen again and it will be a cycle of pain which coincides with the previously-unrelated-but-now-related mood swings i've been having for the past few months. another thing was that i worked hard to reclaim it as an interest over the course of this year because someone kind of involved it in abusing me (that wasn't the main factor, it just became involved because it was my special interest during the relationship and then was used to hurt me at one point) and i had to retrain myself to not associate it with that and this made me more attached as well.

i still haven't watched the live action trailer yet because i like felt pressure to be emotional about it and i'm like not up to making myself get emotional and/or failing to get emotional when i should. like i was excited about it and now it's been out for days and i haven't even watched it because it will hurt. i hope i get truly re-interested in a while, years or something, and then get to watch it and really enjoy it, but i'm scared that, since this happened, i will never be able to enjoy it again??

i hate that the nature of my brain is to love things really hard and then inevitably get tired of them and all that emotion is like... like it was never there and was always meaningless and just a dopamine factory. i know it wasn't meaningless but like i feel committed to things as if they were people and eventually i start to go crazy from feeling trapped due to doing this to myself but it's like i'm incapable of just having a bunch of casual interests and instead one has to become my whole personality for an extended time. god if you're out there i would recommend nerfing autism/ocd combo. awesome to be a person who by nature wants to do the same thing forever but also is extremely sensitive to feelings of being trapped and also can't stand the uncertainty of knowing if losing something will be permanent 😎 <- imagine that is the carter amelia davis version of that emoji

but yeah i really love madness but i like can't keep performing interest anymore or i will go insane. i need the amount of interest that exists naturally to be my only reason for caring and to feel safe with the possibility of that amount dwindling to nothing.

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

Hey no hate, you realize that you’re literally in love with your own version of Kazuichi right? Literally no one in this entire world thinks of Kazuichi the same way as you.

Heeheehee, yes! Ngl my ego is having a feast with that last sentence.

You've unlocked an essay! Have fun reading lol.

Honestly though, I do think of my Kazuichi as an extension of the og Kazuichi, but like, in a different timeline. Not an entirely different personality, even if it seems like that because I draw fanart of her at different points in time without much of an explanation.

I've been thinking about that rule of fandoms post I reblogged earlier. I feel like I only barely scratched the surface of a thought with my tags, but I only had a few minutes left in my break at work. Also, wasn't sure how personal I wanted to get on someone else's post.

At what point does fan-written character development end and "an entirely new character, completely different from the original" begin? Even characters in canon, written differently in some way, can be considered "not canon" by fans. Take "modern-day" Simpsons for example; there was one segment from a "recent" episode (honestly, I don't remember how long ago I heard this statement, so "recent" could mean anywhere from the past 10 years) where Bart genuinely asks "what's the 90s?" This made a lot of people angry, because Bart Simpson was a staple of the 1990s that embodied the vibes of that era, so hearing him say this felt like a far cry from his old self. This Bart is technically "canon," but a lot of people would argue that this is Not Bart Simpson.

Another example is Steven Universe Future. I did not like that epilogue season. I liked the 12-to-14 year old Steven's optimism, and it felt like they strayed so far from his character to have this kindhearted, loving character become so selfish and bitter and, there's no way to explain it without spoilers but he commits an act so heinous that I honestly felt like they took his blind rage too far just for shock value and sacrificed the entire character for it. But, some things just don't reach everybody. What I saw as "That's Not Steven", some people were able to enjoy and get a cathartic story of someone healing from trauma (I wish I felt the same about that show). For me, it was painful to watch, and I only finished the season to end my anxiety about it, seeing him get worse and nothing get better at the end of each episode was bringing me to tears ("Then how can you play Danganronpa if you're so sensitive?" you might ask? I have different expectations and standards for an edgy murder game for teenagers than I would for a kids' cartoon. I'm less shocked when violent acts happen in Danganronpa or Family Guy than I was at Steven Universe Future). Anyway I would consider this version of Steven Universe's character "not canon," and I cringe when people bring up his character in Steven Universe Future as canon, despite that, yeah, it's canon. It's canon but I hate that it's canon.

Anyway, I have a point here, and it is that what is considered strict canon to some may be considered more loosely by others. And fandoms are where we should be free to explore ideas that the writers cant do, whether it's because it doesn't fit the themes, or it isn't "marketable," or it's because the canon writers wouldn't come up with it, or just simply because you wanted to see it and no one can stop you. I understand some people have ideas about characters you'd want to keep the same, I do too! I hate when people reduce Kazuichi to just "fuckboy who flirts with Sonia and parties all the time and is really dumb" (tell me you fell for Kazuichi's act without telling me you fell for Kazuichi's act) or "sad pathetic meow meow" (like, aside from the "blorbo" language, this feels like one part of Kazuichi that gets misunderstood as the entirety of Kazuichi. Kazuichi can be pretty badass.)

Fandoms have been getting more picky and hostile lately (I'm realizing I have too, so I'm working on that), and I think we could all benefit from letting go of some of our stricter ideas about "sticking to canon" and being more easy-going about people writing a character differently than you would, especially because it's fanon. Because we're doing this on our own volition and not for a paycheck. Because kids writing for the first time shouldn't feel like quitting if they can't make the characters "on-model" or "in-character."

Also, Danganronpa at times is kind of poorly written and sexist, so why should I have to stress over adhering to the standards set by those writers and then carried on by teens in the fandom (who might be looking at it uncritically, not that I blame them they're still learning) when I can set some standards of my own?

The "canon" version of Kazuichi, according to the spinoff games I never played, is that she's forever doomed by the narrative to spend at least three years after graduation still pining over the same damn character who has repeatedly shown no interest. Also, doomed to keep the same appearance that she canonically doesn't like (and everyone else also looks exactly the same as their child selves). Like, this is the same character who changed her appearance in middle school because she was sick of being taken advantage of by people who didn't give a rats ass about her. There were other reasons too, but I feel like nobody talks about this one in particular: she wanted to change, so she did. So why does she need to keep the same appearance after that, when she's older and the stakes are lower and she's gone through so much and gotten some development in the second game's end? The meta reasons are so that Spike Chunsoft doesn't have to pay someone to update the sprite model, because Kazuichi is recognizable (marketable) in her canon look, and because it's easier to leave everything the same.

Personally, I wouldn't mind if Kazuichi wanted to keep the same appearance, that's what attracted me to her in the first place. But she herself isn't happy with it (evidence: the last FTE). I just filled in some blanks in the story in my own way, because there's a lot of ways to interpret her character and they don't have to fit in with whatever canon says is the way. I don't 100% trust Hajime's word, Chunsoft's word, or what other fans have to say. I'll listen to it, though, but yeah I am going with my own interpretation.

Don't worry, when I say "Kazuichi is a girl because I said so" I do mean my Kazuichi (and whoever else wants to make Kazuichi a girl, which, go for it!). I don't mean "I'll fight you on it if you think differently." My ideas for Kaz are just one possibility for her, there's tons of others and they're valid whether I personally care for them or not. I don't mind boy Kazuichi at all! I just...I love girls...so she is a girl. In my heart. On another level, I was tired of boy characters getting the cooler designs that don't have a boob focus, so when I saw her I was like "that one has to be a girl! I'm claiming her right now. And probably also a lesbian, just because!" And then I ended up adoring her, because she's so adhd/autistic and I relate a lot to her struggles in socializing and making friends. I hate when people say she's "not emotionally mature enough for friendships/relationships" (that's such a mean statement! I've heard it before about myself. It hurts to hear. ;-; It sounds very victim-blamey.) Yeah, her social problems from autism/adhd definitely play a large role in her problems in making and keeping friends, but another large reason she struggles is because other people don't get her, and that's not her fault. She tries, she tries way harder than I did when I was a teenager to make everyone like her, and it doesn't work, because other people can be shallow assholes who see a "weird kid" and just don't care. I'm not saying that's everybody who doesn't want to be friends with her, Kazuichi can also be mean and push people away and also can be bad at reading the room, but her struggle to make friends is not all everyone else's fault just like it's not all her fault. Some people just have too much neurodivergent swag or uncanny valley for others to get us. So we need to find each other.

Anyway, wow I guess I really needed to talk. It frustrates me that so much of my story is only in my head right now. I want to actually show the progression of Kazuichi's character (so that her character progression looks less like "I just pulled this out of my ass" and more like "I swear guys, I'm actually going somewhere with this! It'll make sense later!") and my s/i's character progression too (in the fanfic we grow alongside each other and because of each other), but it takes time to write a story when I'm also learning the work-life balance. This was my first year having a "real job" and of living alone, I basically get home after the 8 hours of busywork and then get to drawing Kazuichi and watching cartoons and playing video games. Trying to be really patient with myself.

[lelithamoon]

I just wanted to let you know that I am planing some changes. Don't worry, I just will explain it to you.

When I was still in elementary school I loved writing stories and poems and my teachers always pointed out how much they enjoyed what I had written. Especially considering my age back then. 

In tenth grade my scholastic seminar paper was about writing a book. I picked this subject myself and was so thrilled working on it for almost four months. I still remember how I used the first weeks to research different matters, planning the plot, characters, all this stuff just to write about 18 pages in just two days in the last week I had for the project. After my teacher read what I had written so far, she often used to ask me if I continued writing. If there was a new chapter for her to read. She told me that she had the urge to continue after every single page and really enjoyed my style of writing. 

I used to be in a writing club and participated in one or another poetry slam. Back then my friends pointed out I would have the gift to create pictures in others minds, just by using words. 

Also I spend a huge amount of time writing RPGs and stories together with others.

As far as I can remember I always had written and drawn things. 

However, somehow I didn't believe in the words and compliments of all these people and even friends. I denied the skills I had, as my self criticism was and had always been stronger than anything others assured me. I wasn't able to believe them, or perhaps I didn't want to because I was afraid. I was afraid certain people would use that against me to put me under pressure. They always used to take a hobby of mine and the most important thing became "how can we make money out of it". They didn't even realized how they destroyed the fun I had in these hobbies, so back then I used to protect myself by denying my talents and simply stating I wouldn't own them. I hated that they tried to make me into a money bringing machine. Always wanting me to pay for rent and food since I turned 14. So it was the only way I was able to see, to protect something which was dear to me. I already had lost fun in so many things I used to enjoy, I couldn't bear to lose the happiness I felt while writing and drawing. I couldn't loose the last two things, which I was able to process my emotions through.

Sadly denying became a habit I'm still struggling with. 

This is the reason I decided to change my habit now. Decided to work on my abilities and perhaps even write out some ideas I had. Turning them into a book, by chance.

However I want to practice first and use this account for exactly this matter. De facto I recently started to watch Neil Gaiman's Masterclass (On The Art Of Storytelling), in matter to improve. He is an ideal regarding writing to me. This man is a genius and I would love to have a glimpse into his way of thinking one day. I'm still salty how some of his books got translated into my native language. I feel like it doesn't do him justice and I refuse to ever read one of his books in another language than english again!

Back to what I also wanted to state: I intend to dive into an exercise for every single chapter of Neil's Masterclass, uploading one or another to let you be a part of my journey. 

Besides, since english is not my native language, I will upload the original version in german but I might translate them into english as well and add them below the original version.

Regarding fan fictions: I might write one or another once in a while. After all hyping for a fiction here and there seems to be a certain character trait of mine. Nevertheless it won't be my main focus. You might find fanarts more often, regarding this matter. 

Alright, that was everything I wanted to say. I wish you a pleasant day, enjoy yourself! <3