#that's why no matter how sad it makes me I can't bring myself to imagine that house decides to keep living after wilson dies

[princess-of-the-corner]

Sorry, just discovered your public knowledge au, its hilarious. I think 'realistically' I like the Only Miraculous wielders & whoever they tell knows version as it could feel a bit less cracky though it'd still beg why they don't bring other heroes in to collectively stomp Gabriel as they know his location. Though that just has me imagining him palming it off on his various rich friends like a hot potato. Anyway two main thoughts:

`1: For the just Holders know AU, Gabriel owns up to his motives right away & almost convinces the kids. Except Fu shows up & reveals that its basically a monkeys paw and more people will die if he makes is wish. Gabriel insists he s smart enough to work around that (He also just doesn't care) but Tikki & Plagg are like, "Literally we have no control over this, it goes to shit every single time, sorry."

In essence, its his ego and control freak nature that mean Gabriel refuses to give up even when he and everyone else know he should quit. Its probably kind of a sad/rough start for Adrien especially, but also leads to very quick positive vibes with Marinette & more direct mentorship.

2: Rogercop be like

Chloe: Well, seeing as you won't do your damn job, how about our classes two super heroes show you up? Adrien: I am one hundred percent down for that except I can't find Plagg! Marinette: Ya know I've wanted to try this anyway, Luck Charm! (Gets a Plagg doll with his head snuck in the bracelet) Well that answers that.

Later

Tikki: How did you even get stuck we can phase through soli matter.., Oh this is interesting and maybe concerning. Chloe: What can it do magic, is it a Miraculous? Plagg: Well its tied to a Miraculous, where'd you find this?

Chloe: Back of my mothers cupboard? Andre: You aren't meant to have that (Tries to snatch) Chloe: Why, what is it!? Can it do magic?

Andre: If by magic you mean mind control you- don't break it you'll explode! Chloe: Why do you own a mind controlling bracelet that only works on me and kills me if it breaks and why was it in a fucking dust covered pile of half forgotten trash!? Andre: ... Its your mot- Gabriel's fault, blame him, now I have a meeting to get to bye! (Runs away)

Butterflies appear Adrien: Dad, glad you could... Make it. Gabriel: Well I am here now, also the Amok's treatment is very much 'not' my fault, it is like that because your parents don't love you.

Adrien: DAD! Gabriel: I am a magical empath son, I know it to be true, your mother and I were much more careful with your Amok & sealed it away so it could never be used against you or damaged. Those two tossed it in a cupboard once they realized it couldn't just rewrite a babies personality, or any personality, to not need things like food or affection, if they hadn't already made the announcement they'd have probably smashed it or given it away. Gabriel: By it I mean Chloe.

Chloe: Oh... (Uses the Amok to turn herself 'off' IE pass out) Gabriel: Dammit, I was hoping the truth would cause her to explode in a rage never before seen and become my most powerful Akuma! I can't even use this self destructive self loathing, she's too depressed to even transform! (Leaves)

Honestly this started out kind of funny then I made myself sad.

Gabriel: I wonder if I should mention the sister they had made as a replacement. That one didn't turn out how they wanted either but they did skip the baby phase.

GOD the chaos there.

But also yeah the AU is mostly crack because tbh I can't see an identity reveal happening that doens't immediately lead to an ending one way or another.

But also OOF.

[rabarbarzcukrem]

Okay I've been meaning to write this post for a while because. Those last few episodes have fucking layers mannnn

So let me start by saying that House and Cuddy's relationship was, sadly, doomed from the very beginning. That's not to say that it didn't have any chance of working out, ever, because they clearly had chemistry and cared about each other. But the circumstances of them getting together, the fact that it was the reason House decided to stay clean makes for an absolutely awful start. It fucks up the dynamic of your relationship - it demands one person to stay for the sake of ensuring the other doesn't relapse, and no one should ever be put under this kind of pressure. Secondly, it was always conditional - which is actually not as bad as it sounds. House is a person who loves pushing boundaries, and Cuddy is a woman who knows her own worth. She, Stacy and even Dominika aren't pushovers - with them, there are lines that House knows he can't cross. Lines that, once crossed, will make them decide it's not worth it and leave him.

And here's where Wilson comes in, because he's exactly this kind of pushover. During one of the therapy sessions House straight up admits that's why he's still his friend - because he can say anything to him and he won't leave. Wilson's affection for him is truly unconditional, and as unhealthy it may be, it's the only kind of relationship that really works for House.

See, he is fundamentally a selfish person. I am not saying that he doesn't have his moments of kindness, but on the most basic level he prioritizes his own needs above everyone else's. He's right when he says he doesn't sacrifice himself. In fact he's incapable of, or perhaps too stubborn to, sacrifice even the smallest amount of his own comfort for the other person, or to simply make the situation easier - a quality that's crucial for, y'know. Existing within society, not to mention maintaining a romantic relationship. He follows his own curiosities with no regard for anything, he will intentionally make his own life harder just to get what he wants, to end up being right. Even in his affection and care for other people he's always centering himself - when Cuddy is hospitalized, he panics. But his fear doesn't motivate him to support her in this trying time, it consumes him to the point he can't even bring himself to visit her. It doesn't matter that she's the one who's sick, or even that her tumor is benign. The only thing that matters is that he is scared.

Someone might say: "well, yeah, but underneath all of this he's actually full of self-hate". And I agree! Except that fact only contributes to his selfishness. You know how anxiety disorders make you worry about what other people think of you to the point you're not actually focusing on them, but only on yourself and your worst qualities? That's exactly what's happening here. In fact, his overall cynicism and pessimism require that of him. If he believes himself a horrible person, and one incapable of change at that, and also believes in the inherent cruelty of the universe and ultimate egoism of all people, of course he ends up unable to connect with anyone. Like when he ends up pushing Stacy away, because he decides it's not even worth it to give them a chance at happiness - making it all about himself again. He thinks he's unlovable, so he acts like a dick. Because he acts like a dick, no one wants to deal with him. This confirms his assumption that he's unlovable, and the cycle continues.

And the reason these last episodes are so gut-wrenching is because all of that gets completely turned on its head. You see, Wilson and his friendship is House's point of reference, the one stable thing in his life, one thing he can be sure of. He's very cautious about depending on anything and anyone else, and yet in Wilson he puts complete trust. During his time in prison, he admits to one of the men there that he's "peepless", because nobody has ever visited him. Yet once he comes back, he's fully ready to fall into the same routine with Wilson, almost as if the possibility of their friendship ending has never crossed his mind. Because he can do unimaginably stupid and cruel things, he can make everyone hate him, but no matter what he does he will not lose Wilson.

Except that when Wilson gets cancer, he has to face the reality that no matter what he does...he will lose him. And the rug is pulled from under his feet.

Once again, we see House repeat the usual pattern of being so scared of losing people that he panics and abandons them at the time they need him the most. He's so terrified of having to not only witness Wilson's death, but keep on living without him, that he gives in to his most self-destructive tendencies. He takes the cowardly way out, because the alternative would require him to get over himself, to get over his fear and insecurities, to endure it for the sake of being there for someone else. He can't bring himself to, he decides it's just not worth the pain.

Except..in those last moments, when he's debating with himself if he should go through with it, he ends up breaking the goddamn pattern. He goes against his self-centeredness, his stagnancy, the features that are the most central to his whole character and opens himself up to change. House! Who has long accepted that people, and especially him, will never change! He sacrifices not only his comfort, not only his core beliefs, but the very thing he lives for - the puzzle, or more specifically, medicine, just to spend these last few months with his best friend. It doesn't matter that it hurts, it doesn't matter that House has lost all hope and doesn't see the point of it all, he will bear it. Because Wilson needs him..and that's enough.

[sourbinnie]

☆ diamond eyes.mp3 ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> heavy angst ¡! ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> chan x gn!reader ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> time will see you realign but for now, he had to deal with the pain of your loss. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> implied character death ; grieving ; cause of death isn't mentioned but i think you can imagine (s*icide)

a/n: new format with the saddest song i could've picked up and a really tragic imagine, i'm sorry if this is too triggering. if it's too bad, i'll delete it!

to the edge.

waves kept crashing on me in the middle of this lonely beach in my mind. places i traveled to, to forget about the reality i lived in. the one where you weren't next to me and i had to live with the weight in my heart. the one where you had to go and leave me all alone because you thought that was a better solution. the one where we had fought, we had made up and i thought we were good but it all had to end too soon when it didn't even start.

i gave you 6 whole years. i gave you 6 years of me, of my life, of my soul and i have to live with the fact that you're not here anymore? wake up and feel numb? dread and sorrow surrounded me. it felt like i was floating for a moment as i tried to get up from our bed. it was always going to be ours, it wasn't just mine and i didn't know why i was making such a fuss over a bed and it's owners. 

this is how i spent most of my days now. trying to survive and not being able to handle the truth at all. i stayed in our shared apartment, i couldn't find my way back to the dorms. i knew the boys were worrying but i didn't know why, they knew i could handle myself.

or maybe i couldn't at all.

what mocked me the most since you've left, was the ring. the one i bought with changbin & jisung one day when we were out. they helped me pick it and see what would fit perfectly in your finger. the one that held the promise ring when you decided to leave me. that would've been occupied with this perfect ring that i bought for you but life had other plans and it eliminated everything that we had planned out for the future. a future that didn't hold any hope, just more suffering and illness to haunt me. 

i could not do it without you before, what makes them think that taking you away from me is the solution?

it was not easy to wake up, it was not easy to live through the day and then go to sleep at night. having those dreams with you where i hold you and i don't let go because if i do i have to wake up and you're not there beside me anymore. how many times did i have to go through the same routine? how much more work could i drown myself into till it's enough? till the pain is gone and it's all enough. all i wanted was to be enough for you and you didn't want that.

you wanted me to be myself, well here i am and you're not. here i am as i visit you every day, as i bring flowers and place them where you lay to rest forever in peace. here i am as i cry my eyes out and scream till my voice is gone and i have to leave again to die more and more every day. i just wanted to reunite with you one last time to see you, to hold you, to tell you what you deserve to hear and that's more than i love you.

you shined brighter than any star.

now as i look into the sky, hoping you're there, watching over me, i can't help but think.

how beautiful you were the last time i saw you and how sad your expression was. how cruel life is that it took you away from where you belonged and that was here with me. how egotistical and pathetic i was when we fought, how everything was always about me and how you always put me first even though you were the one that mattered. you were the one bringing a change to the world, with that smile of yours and that loving heart. i could never compare to you, yet here i still was and you weren't, you weren't here anymore.

"i love you channie." resonated in my mind, as i tried to not lose my breath again. how many more times did i have to go through a day where you weren't here? how much could i handle without you? why do i have to handle things without you? why didn't i ran out of tears already? why is feeling numb better than being sad?

so many fucking questions and not one goddamn answer, because you weren't fucking here.

you didn't take me with you, didn't think about how i would feel without you and now you're gone. how much longer do i have to do this? how much grief is there in me? do i have to do this? i don't.

but i want to for you. i want to because you would've wanted me to, i want to because you're my light, my world, my star and you deserve it. you've been nothing but good to me these past 6 years and the unconditional love you gave me, deserves to live on. i would do it for you, for my family, for the boys, for everyone. even if it meant i have to fake a smile every single day as a i relive that haunting phone call, i will do it.

i think i am never gonna recover, never gonna be able to walk into a hospital again and never gonna be able to look at the stars and not think of you. i think you took everything from me when you decided to leave. 

i think i died with you.

i think i’m always gonna live in the shadow of your death and i’m not gonna be able to get up one day and decide to fall in love again. love was gone, there wasn’t any left to give or take, you took it all from me.

you took my heart, my soul and all of my strength.

i don’t think it’s fair how i get to stay and you don’t, i don’t think i’m doing a good job of carrying on when i don’t get to see you anymore. 

oh how i wish we could’ve had that proposal, that wedding, that eternal love. now i had to reminisce about memories i never lived and pray that this pain wouldn’t be eternal.

but i knew that as soon as i got to be with you again, i would be grateful.

[scribbyizback]

i have no idea what the abandoned carnival au is but I 100% support rambling so here's your opportunity to ramble about whatever you wanna say about it!

(and if you're like me and can't answer non-specific questions here's some for ya:

What are the character's worst flaws? How do they interact with other characters? Is there any specific event that stuck with them from their past? How do others treat them? Any significant traits important to the plot?)

Hope your day's goin well!

WHAAAAG I LOVE YOU MINUTE/P !!!!! ok no one would really know much abt the carnival au because I haven't mentioned it really um haha. I did draw the moon for this au in Sundays daycare magma so yay if you need a face to the name you have one!

urm let's see here. so, for moon, I think his worst flaw is being unable to communicate properly. He struggles to keep things happy, he really does bring things down a lot and that's a flaw pushed on him by the process of his paranormal creation. what who said that.

sun's worst problem is his pride. he refuses to admit when he's wrong and he refuses to TALK about whatever he was wrong about. he's a 'drop it, I don't want to talk about this' kinda guy. he's a professional ghoster, if I do say so myself. totally not a pun linked to his paranormal creation. whaaat who keeps saying these things??? seriously this is crazy!!!

moon doesn't MEAN to push people away, he was made to operate a carousel, not make friends. But if he knows that someone is worth keeping ther, dedicated to staying with him, he can be soso clingy. he still has to rely on others though, otherwise he can't run, just like a music box. Sun has major people person energy, but he still gets so overwhelmed. He took on over 5 jobs around the entire carnival, between both entertainment and upkeep. so he has an overall energetic personality, bit when he burns out he burns out HARD. this makes him often irritable or overbearing for a lot of people, but he balanced it out between him and moon.

the fire. whenever the carnival closed down for the night. the missing kids. what happened to everybody else around here?

no, nothing much.

they really CANT get out much anymore, they've really tied down their roots since the place stopped moving from town to town way back in '47! furthermore, they cannot really talk to much of anybody but each other! and moon hasn't been wound up since the carnival wasn't needed anymore! that's why sun was SOOO happy when a human- you - showed up! can you believe it? moon enjoys your company too, but someone can only spend 60+ years in solitude for oh so long! can you imagine not aging, because you're nothing more than a puppet- a doll inside the puppet?? oh, he has so many things to show you!!! you're quite nice, probably not well suited to hang around such a guy all down in the dumps all the time! not that moon complains, having someone willing to care so much about him just the same- isn't that COOL??

Sun wasn't always supposed to take over all these other jobs. He used to be happier, calmer. I wonder what made him so tense. He's always stuck in a nervous state, no matter how happy he is around you. Moon wasn't always sad- he used to be a happy and mischievous guy that would even dance along to his music. hard to believe how broken down the tunes of the calliope have gotten.

[amphiptere-art]

So we can all agree that the Sun and Moon fandom is dying right?

There is a quiz at the end of the post.

Me myself and many others have left. Whether it is due to the rising toxicity of the show or the fans. At this point it is simply a creative backdrop. Something you take ideas off of instead of something that you enjoy and turn into a AU. And at this point if you have it as an AU. You feel as if you need to somehow say it's separated or is only based off of the good old days.

The fact that there is a difference between the good old days and what has happened is sad. I will admit I haven't been here forever. I wasn't here since the beginning. I wasn't watching the episodes upload as I watched. But I did do my best to watch every single lore post I can find. Anything that wasn't a standard gaming episode. So I can at least say that I tried to follow the story.

And to put it slightly the story has gone sour. Characters have stopped feeling right in their actions. Underlying messages have started to get toxic. Many bad guys have gotten so characterized that them being bad guys doesn't feel right. Are good characters no matter how developed they get either regress due to plot convenience. Or have died and basically reset the storyline.

The story seems stuck. There's some gems here and there but it seems like they can't figure out the next story action. And even if they do, it gets so much hate from the fandom that it struggles to continue. It feels like they continuously reset and reset to try and find a story that the fans will enjoy. It's not working unfortunately. There have been many retcons due to this. And there has also been many splits.

And this is not even mentioning the toxicity of the fandom itself at this point. That's basically split itself in two and the other will hate the other. This happened most obviously with the Moon X Solar argument. Where you either enjoy it or you don't enjoy it. It has caused a multiple splits because of differences in morals. It's just created a hostile environment between fans.

And I'm not making this post a point fingers at the whole argument. I've researched it and I know why some people believe it's okay. Whether it's because they believe solar never really wanted to be a part of the family. Or the simple understanding that by most laws, incest between adopted family members is okay. I understand that people have reasons to like it. It doesn't mean that these reasons are shared though. It doesn't mean that the moral implications of that relationship don't affect some people. And neither side is willing to come to a mutual agreement.

This is also not bringing up the fact that the whole villain versus hero argument is starting to become even more split. Sun, Moon, Lunar, Earth, Solar are both currently on the good side. While Eclipse, Blood Moon, and a couple others are still obviously on the bad guy side. But Eclipse and Blood moon have started to become more and more relatable. People can no longer look at those characters and just imagine the villainy part. Especially when the heroes decide to mock the suffering that they did to the villains in the first place.

That is my personal scare between the fandom right now. I can't look at eclipse and not deny that Moon's actions were the reason of it. I can't look at moon and justify years of abuse. Whether it was old moon or new moon at this point. I can't stand and justify treating blood moon as a villain has tested its limit. I can't deny that blood moons actions are more so based on need than actual want. And the creators forcing that idea backfired enough that they barely have him as a character anymore.

There is a split between people who want to support moon and sun with all their actions. There is a split between people who think solar should be considered a part of the family or not. There is a lack of storylines that don't have half of the community hating upon it. There is a lack of feeling an actual tug of conflict in the stories due to the villains being so understandable. There is a hostility between the fan base because of all of these.

I put out a poll a long time ago. Asking people why they basically watched the show anymore. The general consensus was they were just watching the show because they needed to. Because they felt obligated to follow the plot wherever it went. I feel like the fan base that is following the show for their own enjoyment is slowly disappearing. And this is not talking about the amount of people that have straight out left due to all the reasons above.

Whether it is the show's fault for not being able to supply the engaging store anymore that people can enjoy. Or it is the fandom for it's toxic split between the morals of adoption incest, or the feeling that the villain shouldn't be getting as much hate as they do. The show was currently dying on both sides honestly. And the only reason many are continuing to watch the show, is the hope that it will get better, and the need to supply their AUs off of it.

How many of your friends have left because of these reasons? How many of them have had the conundrum of feeling like they need to stay because leaving feels like a betrayal to others or themselves.

How many of us are only holding because of nostalgia?

It feels like nowadays people either choose to blindly follow due to an overall support or question constantly if they should. It feels as if artists that give the show their thumbnails now, are the only people that do stuff happily with it. A conspiracy part of my brain wants to say that's only because not supporting it would mean they wouldn't have there art publicly endorsed. But that's only conspiracy and no fact.

The show has lost its splendor. As of now it's really only a character backdrop to some. A list of events and ideas that you could pull and twist to fit something kinder or better. It's like as if we're using the Sun and Moon like Robin Hood. Stripping it down to the basics just so we can share our twist of the same tale. I have heard many times from people that AUs are more enjoyable right now than actual Canon. I myself have said for multiple stories that they do not follow past backup eclipses death. Which in my opinion is when the show really started to go downhill.

I'm going to ask this question again. Because I feel as if it is important for people who read this post to see it under a newer light.

I will note. If you reblog this post just to argue that it's not dying, That solar X moon isn't incest, that characters like eclipse and blood moon should be treated as the absolute villains they are, and seeking Sun and Moon are evil is dumb. I will not respond. To be honest I will not respond to many reblogs of this. I'm simply putting this information out earnestly as my opinion. I am not here to hate on the artists. I am not here to hate on your difference in opinion. I am not here to say that the show writers are dumb or money monsters. This is my opinion. And if you wish to fight it, then you are not willing to accept differencing opinion.

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

I watched ATSV again in theaters and noticed some interesting things:

Gwen's dad at the beginning wears a Vision Academy sweater. Not only that, he's in the gymnastics group. This means that Vision not only exists on Earth-65, George has entered it. Maybe it explains how Gwen knew how to blend in so well. And that she chose to take ballet lessons because of her father.

When Miguel's universe was falling apart, not only he but Peter B. and other spiders were there. It gives extra weight to the whole Society thing. It's not just a sad story a random guy told, it was a catastrophe witnessed by several of them. I don't blame them for believing so much.

Peter and Gwen have known each other since they were 4, assuming she's 16 and George's speech after his death says he's known Peter for 12 years.

A spider person having their Sense Triggered when someone they love is not themselves in danger is not new. Miles felt his father falling at the beginning of the film. Pav felt Gayatri on the bus. But what is abysmal is that Gwen's felt between dimensions. In all other cases, they were from people present in the same space and dimension. So that says a lot only about the love she feels for Miles (and also about her spider sense.)

Oh these are interesting!

I actually notice that shirt on my last viewing! I cannot believe it took me this long to realize.

Funnily enough, my first thought when I saw this is that Gwen was Vision's and this was a shirt in support of her. But considering how faded this looks, your explanation makes more sense since I really doubt Visions Academy has lower classes than middle school.

Though not gonna lie, I found funny the idea that the visions in Gwen's world may be just another run-of-the-mill school, just to appear in Miles's world and be like "why did he get the nice version?"

May keep that hc regardless.

Oh I knew Peter was there from the first viewing, what I didn't realize was about the different spiders!

Let's see who he can spot.

Julia Carpenter is here! I am not really familiar with her character (I don't read comics, for now at least,) but hey, nice to see they are bringing some classics.

I'm going to assume this is Peter B, but I don't think anyone can blame me for mixing this one up if it isn't the case.

Cowboy Spidey is here!

This one we are going to wait for the HD version of this movie because I had a hard time finding a frame where I could kind of see them let alone be clear who they are.

I still need to finish that analysis, but honestly the organization as a whole works in some ways that upon reflection, not only I am not surprised they believe it, I'm more than anything horrified how no one realized how nuts the place was getting.

Good eye! I haven't noticed this one myself, and again, I had seen this movie several times. In my defense, sometimes the audio is hard to catch and I had issues catching stuff at it is. I really need to get a good version of this movie with subtitles.

But this is cool! It really goes to show how important was Peter for Gwen, they really had known each other since forever and I can't imagine not just how much it hurt Gwen losing Peter, but her needing to get used to reality of not having around after doing so for so much of her life.

Goddammit when I thought Peter and Gwen's tragedy couldn't get worse-

This one y'all know how I feel, and if you don't, here.

I still hope we get a more in depth explanation, though I wouldn't be surprised if we don't. Regardless, is undeniable how much Miles matters to Gwen, and viceversa.

Thanks for telling me this!

[lostinvasileios]

Fears.

Yeah, that's nice. But, why do you fear so much? No, I'm - serious, why?

A lot of the times, as sad as it is, I've encountered people who often lower their own power by fearing all the possible outcomes. Key word, love: possible.

Take it from me, for the first year or so of me practicing and getting close with deities, no matter how obviously real things were, I always had a lingering thought of "what if I'm just making it up?" or "they'd never say that to me."

While being able to differentiate your own thoughts and your own projection while interacting with deities or magic(k) at all is important, you don't need to fear it. If you mess up, you mess up. Nobody's angry or disappointed at you because the universe, your deities, they understand. You're only human. And you're trying. That's what matters. Trying.

Your failures are not measured, they aren't keeping score of all the times you accidentally fucked up something small like interpreting their exact wording or actions like if they waved their hands at a specific point in their sentence or not. You know??

Here's something that helped me: if it makes you happy, then fuck all else. Everything can technically be perception, anyways. If something's fake, you'll find out eventually. You'll be able to tell at certain points.

Lady Hekate once told me, "things are only as real as you want them to be."

Of course, grounding and else other are also important factors, but if the only thing that's realistically stopping you here is the fear of them being figments of imagination, fear of "failing" to reach out to them, ect... You don't need to worry about that, dove.

Most of the time, it's just brain fog. It's just the fear of the unknown, rejection, and other things of those categories. And that's all valid.

Most of the time, at least for me, it was the fact that I was in the presence of such magnificent beauty that made it difficult to believe I was actually experiencing what I was. It was the amount of incomprehensible, out of this world love that the entities I connected with had for me. It was - them, in general at times.

I suffered from psychosis for years when I was younger before starting my journey, and despite how I've gotten drastically better over the years, I still contain some certain... Tendencies you could say.

I constantly questioned if things were real, and, yes asking questions is alright. It's great to do, actually. But don't drive yourself into a sorrow pit over them. You know? Don't bring yourself down more by believing those overthinking fears you can have at times.

I was under such immense fear of making things up that I failed to realize that the only reason I was having such a hard time was because I doubted myself way too much. I was way too hard on myself on multiple cases, and still can be at times unfortunately.

Have more faith in yourself, have more patience with yourself. No matter how experienced someone is, there's always something new to learn, and learning is difficult for everyone at times. Everyone's gone through the same thing in their own variation before, and most likely will a thousand times again. The more you learn to trust yourself, the more you can overcome that battle - which might be one of the hardest, to tell you the truth - the smoother this will get for you. But it takes time, it takes breaks, it takes tears and effort, it takes a lot. It takes you.

One of the points of magic and deities or whatever the hell else is to simply learn to enjoy life more. To live. To experience. You can't do that if you're too caught up in your fears to see how far you've gotten, to see at all.

You know the truth, deep down. Just shh, and listen. It may take a long time, but eventually, you'll find your answer to the reality of things. To the emotions of things. Don't pressure yourself, don't suffocate yourself with doubts and fears.

Everything that's yours is yours, everyone creates their own realities and fates. Just be you. Just grow. Just feel. Just... Live your journey. Everything's gonna be fine, bee.

[boygiwrites]

Harley D. Dixon 23

An amazing edit inspired by this story! (Cred to Cora_Line99) Harley D. Dixon's Pinterest Board! Harley D. Dixon's Playlist!

📖Chapter List.

Author's Note.

Warning for strong themes of suicide in this chapter because of Beth, and well, everything else.

Herschel left the farm all by himself while we was out.

As the sun sets behind the porch railing, Lori explains to Rick and Glenn that Beth's in shock — the thing I was in this morning. She tries to mutter it under her beath, but I hear just fine that she tried to kill herself by slicing her wrists up. Different to how Momma did it, but I know just about every way there is, and that's one of 'em. If I were Beth, I would'a just jumped out the window. Prolly would'a worked, but maybe she didn't want it to. Lori and Patricia found her just in time to save her. She's laid up in bed now, apparently still staring at the wall.

Rick keeps glancing at me throughout the whole conversation. I don't know why he's doin' it, but I wish he'd cut it out.

Herschel told us today he'd learnt what grit was, but I guess he ain't learned enough to deal with his daughter wantin' to die, 'cause he hopped in his truck and took a trip to town to get away from it all. Maggie begs the two of 'em to go bring him back, and they agree.

"You got any guesses where he might'a gone?" Rick asks, putting his hat back on. Always savin' people. "Parks, stores, houses?"

"Hatlin's." She answers unhappily. "Bar on main street. He practically lived there in his drinking days. If he's gone anywhere, it's there."

I can't imagine Herschel in a bar. My Daddy and Uncle Merle used to rot away in bars when they was angry or sad, but that was them.

Rick must be thinking the same thing. "I didn't take Herschel for a drinker."

"He gave it up the day I was born." She half-smiles. "Didn't even allow liquor in the house... But not anymore, I guess."

"I've seen the place." Glenn assures her, holding her shoulder and turning to Rick. "I can drive us there."

"Okay." Before they turn to leave, he murmurs to Lori, "Does Daryl know 'bout Beth yet?"

She shakes her head and glances at me, too.

He warns her, "Well, you're gonna want to. Harley's been havin' a tough go of it and I ain't sure how this is... gonna affect her."

She gives a look of understanding. "I'll go talk to him now."

When he comes down the steps, he crouches in front of me. He's got his Dad-face on, the one that's all nice and reassuring.

"Hey, you did good today." He tells me. "How 'boutchu go find Carl and read some comic books together or something for a while?"

"Alright." I lilt, watching him gently clap me on my shoulder before following Glenn down the path toward the cars.

But as soon as they're gone, I don't go find Carl. I take myself around the side of the house and slouch between two old barrels in the grass, hiding from everyone. I've gotten real good at swallowing down the need to cry, so that's what I do. At some point, the darn ringing returns.

I wish some little animal would cross paths with me, so I could take my knife out and stab it dead. That'd make me feel better.

Merle would smack me if he saw me like this. Don't cry, Harley. Don't cry. Been a long, long day, but you don't gotta cry.

The sun soon disappears under the earth.

"Sh, sh, sh. Baby, it's okay." The night is quiet, but our little tent is filled with my pent-up sobs. "It's okay."

I wish I could go to sleep like everyone else, but I can't. The day's finally caught up with me. Rick and Glenn still haven't returned, but the farm's been a mess without 'em all the same. Dad's been watching me like a hawk since Lori spoke with him, and dinner was spent in silence, and I been trying not to cry for hours. He keeps crooning the same thing to me over and over. It's okay. I hear that stupid lie every time things aren't okay. It don't get any more okay-er no matter how hard I bawl or scream into his shoulder, or wish with all my heart and all my body, right down to my toes, that I weren't such a little wuss. I wish Sophia was alive. I wish Shane made it to Fort Benning.

Seems I'm always hurting. If anyone asked me what I did best, I'd say this. Sometimes feels like all I was made for.

I did good faking my way through the day, but as soon as I laid my head down to go to sleep and realized that I couldn't no more 'cause of my ear, I finally broke. Can't shoot, can't hear, can't sleep. Everything, even the way I curl up at night, been stripped from me.

"It's not okay," I moan, hating that when I close my eyes, I can still see the things I don't wanna. "S'all wrong. It hurts."

"I know it does, chicken. But I'm 'ere. I'm always here." He murmurs into my hair, holding me even tighter to his chest. "Just get it all out."

I wanna tell him I can't, it don't work that way. If you could cry yer sadness out, I would'a lost all mine by now. But he already knows. Just like me, he's made up of sadness. Most people say we're alike 'cause our matching scowls, our little moles. But more than anythin', it's that.

I don't think I've ever been this type of angry before. There's just nowhere to put it. There's no-one to blame. It's just inside me. And I think it'll be there forever, like my bones are. There's no use being sour at Rick or Dad for killin' Shane. You can't get mad at people when there's no right or wrong to it, when they was just doin' what needed to be done. Shane was crazy, we've always said it. He done so many things he shouldn't have. No, I ain't mad at them for that. Or at Glenn, or T, or Andrea for helping 'em. Not at the bullet that shot my ear off, not at the Greenes' God for takin' all my friends away. I'm just angry at being alive.

"He said it was gonna be d-different this time." He said a whole bunch'a things, but that one I remember. "Daddy, I want it t'be different."

"It will be, baby. It will. I'mma keep you safe with everythin' I got, okay?" At least that one's not a lie. "You know that."

"But I'on care about me." I pull back, my fingers twisted in his tank top. "It's everyone else that's dead. It's Shane and Sophia a-and Momma and Merle and Morales and prolly Meemaw and Kyle and my cousins. I'm sick of it! Ain't no point in movin' on if people gonna keep dyin'!"

"Don't talk like that, Harley Dixon." He gently scolds, brows twitching into a frown. "Don'tchu ever. There is a point."

Well, I don't get it no more. "I ca-an't even sleep properly, Dad."

"Well, let's just try again. You can lay on yer other side." He offers. "Dad'll read you another story, huh? Or you want me to sing again?"

"No." I croak miserably. I don't want a story. I don't even want a song. "Even if I go to sleep, t-that's ruined, too. I get nightmares. And when I wake up, it's the same thing all over again. Eatin' scraps and cryin' and takin' ringing meds just for somethin' else bad to happen."

"That's the way life is, Harley." He tells me, a little stricter this time. "I can't change it any more than you can. People die—"

"People mourn," I quote him with a roll of my wet eyes, "Life moves on. I heard."

"Stop it." He don't like that I mocked him, not one bit. Not when it comes to this. "It's true. We move on. We keep livin'."

"Well, maybe I don't wanna. Maybe I'm done."

Herschel says I got a thing called grit. Dad says I'm his brave girl. Carl thinks I'm some sorta badass, but really I'm just a nasty, broken little thing called Harley Dixon. I don't wanna keep living if living's full of death. Maybe it's better the other way. Beth thinks so. Momma sure did, too. I never got to ask her if it worked out like she wanted and got all her sadness taken away, but I like to think it did. I like to think there's no bad things where she is, only good and happy things. She ain't watched Shane die. She ain't stood at Sophia's grave. She ain't hurtin'.

"Little girl," Dad's voice is thin and shaky like a whisper, but also very, very, very angry. "I know you ain't just said that."

I stare right back at him through my tears without a word, 'cause I did say that. Not to hurt him, but because it's the truth.

He slowly starts shaking his head. "Nah, I ain't raised you this way. I ain't raised a girl that gives up."

My wobbly frown deepens. "So that's what Momma was, then? She was weak?"

"Yes. Weak an' stupid." He says unapologetically. "And I won't have you talkin' like her. Over my dead body, girl, I won't have it."

"And how's that?" I challenge him. "You gonna make Sophia come back? You gonna fix my ear? You gonna make Shane—?"

"Weren't me that did that, Harley. Weren't Rick, weren't nobody but himse—"

"—Come back? You gonna kiss it all better and sing a song?" I taunt, shouting in his face, "They're all dead!"

"I know they are." He argues, taking a moment to suck in a breath. "I'm sorry I ain't find Sophia. I'm sorry 'boutcher ear. I'm sorry you're hurtin' and I can't do nothin' about it, but this type'a talk ain't what's gonna help you, Harley. It's bein' strong. You gotta be stronger."

"But I ain't," I tell him, and the tears are back now, streaming down my face, 'cause I'm right. I ain't strong. "I'm just nothin'."

"You're my little girl, is whatchu are." He says sternly, voice cracking. "I love you more'un anythin'. How you think hearin' that makes me feel?"

Probably makes him see the little traces of Momma on my face. Makes him feel like he's failing the same woman twice.

But I'm just so tired, and I just don't care. "I'on care how it makes you feel, Daddy. I'on care 'bout nothin' anymore."

Being empty must be worse than being full of somethin' like anger, 'cause this is the thing that really gets to him. Under his pair of twisted brows, his sharp eyes start to well up, his mouth curls into a sneer. The crickets outside chirp happily either way, dutifully filling the silence that comes. For the first time, I think my Dad is wrong about something. There is no point in moving on. Bein' strong, that's a waste. Shane said we deserve for things to go differently, go better in some way that ain't so cruel, but it didn't. It won't.

"You're fuckin' scarin' me, Harley." He utters thinly. "You ain't never talked like this."

I know. I ain't never stayed down after a hit, but I been strong for so long, I think it's just ran out.

I don't answer him. Instead I confess quietly, "I think I wanna go sleep in somebody else's tent tonight, Dad."

I need out this stuffy tent. If I could sleep alone in a hole somewhere, I would. I'm done arguing. And he's done, too. He wordlessly slides me off his lap and helps me gather my bedding, trying his best not to tear up more than he already is, muttering to himself, swiping at his eyes. He leads me back to main camp, where all the lamps are shut off and the fire pits are smoking. The night air cools my hot, red cheeks. 

He taps his knuckles onto a crate just outside the Grimes' tent, and before he even steps back, there's shuffling inside.

The zipper peels back, revealing Lori's sleepy, moon-lit face. She takes us in with a confused look. "Daryl? What are you doing over here?"

"Listen, I'm sorry for wakin' ya." He murmurs, putting on a level voice. "Came to ask you if... Harley can bunk with you guys tonight."

"Uh, sure." She agrees kindly, encouraging me to step inside by my shoulder, taking my sleeping bag from Dad. "Everything alright?"

"No." He answers gruffly. No point in lying. He don't give up anything else, and she don't pry. He places a kiss to my hair. "Night, chicken."

"Night, Dad." I force myself to say back, 'cause I'm grateful he ain't just kept me stuck in our tent, and that he really listened.

As he gives me one last glance and then leaves, Lori zips the tent up and lays my bedding down next to hers and Rick's. Carl snoozes away in the corner, an open comic book splayed out over his chest. I bet Lori knows what's the matter with me. Rick saw that thousand-yard stare I had after they killed Shane, knows how I been hating myself. He no doubt told her everything. But she's too nice to say anything.

"Here, sweetie." She takes my lumpy pillow and sets it down. I wiggle into the sleeping bag. "Comfy?"

I give a nod, even though laying on my back feels real strange and I don't got Matilda anymore.

She smiles blearily and crawls back under the covers. "Wake me up if you need anything."

And that's that. I stare up at the sky through the Grimes' tent, counting the stars through the black mesh until I fall asleep.

Sometime during the night, I bolt awake, sweating, crying, confused. Shane, I couldn't save him. I watched him die. Again. A gunshot, blood, shouting, dying, searing pain and a dog tag dangling from a broken mirror. Darkness, and then two little hands on my shoulders, shaking me. A boyish, worried voice telling me, hey, it's just a nightmare. I cling to them. Carl. He's here. I don't think before I let him hug me. I sniffle into his neck as he pets the soft spot between my shoulder blades like his Momma and Daddy do when he's upset.

"It was him again," I shudder. "Shane. I miss him. I miss all of 'em."

Life moves on, Daddy said. But how's it that mine ain't? When's that moving part happen?

"Me, too." His arms tighten around me as much as a boy's can. "You're allowed."

After that, I remember the sound of blankets shuffling, a flashlight clicking on, a comic book being quietly read to me. I remember my eyes closing, heart slowing, and I remember thinking he's gonna be the best big brother one day. In a way, he already is.

The next morning, my eyes flutter open to the sight of a quiet, empty tent. By some miracle, I must've slept in a little. I hear the fire crackling away outside, the clinking of spoons on bowls, muffled conversation. After taking a minute to yawn and stretch, I crawl out the tent.

"Ah, there she is." As I round the camping chairs, Dale sends me a warm smile. I take the seat next to him. "Just in time for breakfast."

I glance up at the second storey of the farmhouse, imagining Beth behind one of those pretty windows. I wonder how she feels about waking up this morning. I know I'm exhausted, and all I've done is open my eyes. Another day of eating scraps, crying, and taking pills. Ironically enough, Lori interrupts my spacing out by holding out two little white capsules and a water bottle to me. She's speaking, but I'm not hearing her. I throw both pills back and wash 'em down so I don't gotta look at 'em any longer. I hate that my body can't work on its own anymore.

"Harley." Lori's voice comes quick and sharp this time, startling me. "Are you listening?"

I glare up at her. She's standing so close to me that I don't know how I couldn't hear what she said the first time. "Huh?"

She looks at me like I've done something strange. "I said, 'You can't take those on an empty stomach'. Are you hungry?"

"Oh. Yeah." Now everyone's lookin' at me like that. I reach under my hair and nervously tug on my ear as she turns and fills a bowl with the creamy soup cooking over the fire. I've never not been able to catch what someone's saying like that. She hands the food to me. "Thanks."

As conversation picks up again, I struggle to pin certain words being said, especially when they're from Andrea, who's sitting the furthest from me, and Lori, on my left. S'like half the world's gone silent, and the other half's just a high-pitch squeal. God, it's makin' me mad. I claw at my ear again, as if there's somethin' stuck in there, like a wad of earwax or a cork, but there ain't nothin' in there but the ringing.

A scary thought crosses my mind. If you can't hear for no good reason, that means you're deaf. I can't be deaf.

When Andrea looks directly at me and says something that I think's meant to be a joke, I snap back, "I can't fuckin' hear you, Andrea."

Her smile drops pretty fast, but I don't feel bad. I feel frightened. To my surprise, I don't get told by anyone to mind my language.

Lori just looks at me all pitiful-like and hesitates to guess, "Is it the ringing?" 

I'm tired of hearing about the ringing almost as much as I'm tired of hearing the ringing itself. "It ain't the damn— I just can't hear proper."

She glances side-long at Dale. "Herschel did say..."

He sighs, looking a little stressed, before scooting his chair closer to mine and clicking his fingers on my right ear. "What about that?"

It sounds like a far-away thud, thud, thud, where it should actually sound like a snap, snap, snap.

"S'dull." I mutter unconfidently. 

He moves to my left ear. This time, there isn't even any thud, thud, thud at all. It's just silence.

When I say nothing, he leans back. "I'm no doctor, but... It seems very obvious to me."

I'm not a doctor neither, and neither is Lori or T or Andrea or Carl, but it's all rather obvious to us, too. I can tell, 'cause they're all lookin' pretty uncomfortable, like this discovery has already ruined the rest of my life as I'm just sitting here. I'm losing hearing in my left ear. That's what it is. As soon as Dad mentioned my hearing to Herschel, and when it got worse at shooting practice, I was scared this would happen.

Ain't nobody shocked. I was never gonna walk away from a gunshot to the side of the head with all my hearing intact.

I guess whenever somebody talks, I'll just have to try reading their lips.

"I had a teacher who was deaf." Carl offers this up like it means anything. "She was really nice and smart. Everyone liked her."

I almost feel like scoffing at him, Wow, thanks so much, Carl. You've cured me.

"It's really nothing." Lori's quick to reassure me, covering for his shitty attempt. "Hundreds of people live like this and they still thrive."

"Hell, I think I'm going deaf sometimes, too." Dale jokes. "And I'd say I'm doing alright, wouldn't you?"

"Sure, Dale." I try to chuckle, staring down at my cold soup.

Nobody mentions the fact that having sharp senses is what keeps you alive nowadays. If a walker sneaks up on me, I won't hear it.

It's then that Dad walks into camp, looking nearly as tired as I feel. He mutters a good morning to everyone, and Lori reluctantly stands to go collect my bedding for him. I waste no time hopping out my seat and going over to hug him, locking my arms around his neck as he kneels to hold me close. I said a whole lotta things last night, and so did he, but I don't think either of us is angry at the other over it. We can read each other well enough to know. He kisses my cheek before pulling back and taking my things from Lori.

Clearing his throat like he does when he might cry, he asks me, "You sleep well, chicken?"

Instead of answering, I just hug his waist and Lori changes the subject. "Daryl, just a heads up. That thing Herschel spoke about..."

"Damn it." He sighs when what she's implying clicks. He reaches down to soothingly pet my hair. "And they still ain't back, are they?"

"No. But we both know Harley and Beth are... in some type of way. We need him."

"And y'all want me to go and fetch him, huh?" He guesses, taking a long moment to consider. Then, "Y'all be grateful you been good to me."

"Thank you, Daryl." She exclaims. "Thank you. We've always been able rely on you."

He scoffs. "Maybe not always."

"Well, enough." She smiles. "They said they were headed to a bar in town called Hatlin's. I think you'll wanna head there first."

"There even gonna be anythin' he can do?" He mumbles so I can barely make it out. "I mean, the guy ain't David Copperfield."

"Well, in the old world, I might've suggested trying out a hearing aid, but now... I'm not so sure."

He grunts. "Them things need batteries, don't they?"

"I think so, but not any standard ones we'd have. You're thinking of finding one, aren't you?"

"I'd turn the whole fuckin' country upside down to get her one, if it's what she needs." He says. "Maybe some old dead guy's wonderin' around with his. Maybe I find one in a doctor's office. Either way, ain't no bill attached to 'em these days and if there's one out there, I'll find it."

She admires the determination in his eyes, lips twitching into a smile. "Rick will help you. I know he will."

"Best I go find officer goody-two-shoes and company, then." He agrees. "Look after my girl for me."

She nods. "That goes without saying."

"I love you, baby." He tells me, which is how I know I done messed up. Takes a lot for him to randomly tell me he loves me, and I guess all that talk last night about giving up was enough. He even places another kiss to my cheek, pinching it after. "I'll see you later."

"I'm sorry, Dad." I mutter.

"I know." He understands I can't help what's happening to me, or how I feel. "I'm gonna get whatchu you need. It's gonna be alright."

I'm not quite sure what I need, but at least the adults seem to know. At least some part of me can be saved.

After he leaves to put my bedding back in our camp, I climb back into my seat and watch the blue truck bumble down the drive and eventually, through the trees. Dale encourages me to finish off my soup in that annoying way my Dad always does, but I only eat a spoonful or two before my stomach shrivels distastefully and he tells me I've tried enough for this morning, so I take to curling up and staring at the fire.

I know if Shane was alive to see what he did to me, he'd be that word Lori likes to say, appalled. He never wanted to hurt me.

A hearing aid. It's one of them things I've never had to think about until now. If I had to go back a couple months and tell seven-year-old Harley, with her long, straight hair and chubby cheeks and bright, green eyes, that I look like a boy, got half an ear, and need a hearing aid, I think she'd hit me upside the head for being a liar. But I know now that you gotta be ready for anythin', like dead people in barns and a last-minute gunshot, and now, I guess, the need for a hearing aid. I have to try squash that feeling of shame. It ain't good for me, but it's always there.

I almost make myself chuckle imagining Carl tryna make being half-deaf badass. He's so relentlessly supportive. They all are.

It's too bad, then, that I still feel this way. This numb and hollowed out, alive but-also-dead way.

The way Carol must feel, and maybe the way Dad felt after Momma died.

"Thank you." Maggie tells Lori and Jacqui in the kitchen, as I stand in front of the fireplace in the next room over. "This is nice of y'all."

I see what Glenn was talkin' about now, about Maggie's great grandfather lookin' like a bald Georgie Washington. He's sitting all proper and important-like inside a photo frame on the mantle, like all people from forever ago do. But there's also newer photos, ones with color, like Maggie and Beth as little girls, posing with horse riding trophies and smiling together at old Thanksgivings and Christmases. I feel happy just looking at them. Baby photos, kind-looking people, school photos. We never knew the Greenes before, but I feel like now I might.

"We just thought you could use some help." Lori replies. "It's been a difficult time for all of us, especially Harley and Beth."

"I appreciate it. Sharin' your supplies, that means a lot these days. You wouldn't mind helpin' me toss it all together will you?"

"Not at all." Jacqui pokes her head around the arch and calls out, "Harley, you wanna come help Maggie finish cooking?"

With a little flinch, I turn to face the three women, remembering why we came here in the first place. We had some tinned vegetables and whatever else left over from breakfast, and Lori thought we'd offer them to Maggie, who's in the middle of cooking a meal for Beth.

"I guess." I hum as I head into the kitchen. It ain't like I got anything better to do. "What're you makin'?"

"Potato soup." Maggie pulls a few bowls from the worn cabinets with a smile. "Well, veggie soup, now."

"Hopefully Beth will feel a little better after a warm breakfast." Lori muses. "It always helped me."

All their words are muffled, as if I'm underwater and they aren't, but I can still just about make out what they're saying.

When Maggie places the bowls on the counter and sees me peering over the ledge, she chuckles. "Let me grab you a stool, huh?"

She grabs a mini wooden step-ladder leaning against the pantry, pulls it open, and sets it down for me. I step onto the lowest rung. She fills a bowl with water from the faucet and slides it in front of me, instructing me to how to rinse off the fat, muddy potatoes and lay them on the dry rag afterwards. It's an easy, mindless task. I get to work while they start slicing up the vegetables and opening the tins. 

As Maggie scrapes carrot into the pot, she jokes, "I been makin' so much soup recently I think I forgot how to make anything else."

"Good thing we've taken a liking, then." Jacqui smiles. "I've never tasted a tater soup good as y'all Greenes'. You know your stuff."

Feels like I'm back at the quarry again, helping prepare our next meal from whatever scraps we had, listening to the women gossip.

"Pssh. I'm tellin' you, as kids, Beth and I loathed the day Wednesday came around and Momma'd make her famous potato soup." She scoffs, grinning at old memories. "She always put too much salt in, said it was good for us. But all it was good for was makin' us barf."

Lori makes a sassy face. "I'm taking it the recipe's been tweaked a little since then."

Maggie smirks. "Wouldn't be eatin' it if it hadn't."

"Must've been nice, growing up with food on the table that's straight from your garden."

"Yeah, it was. Fresh peaches and apples to take to school, home-made bread and the like. We've always lived this way."

"Pretty perfect, if you ask me." Jacqui agrees. "Me and my fiancé were always eatin' take away all the time. God, I miss it sometimes."

"A nice greasy burger sounds so good right now." Lori moans, like she can almost taste it. "Oh, and some curly fries on the side."

They all laugh. It's a little funny. I remember her back in the beginning, braggin' about how her family never ate fast food. Now look at her.

As the conversation drifts to more boring things, I find myself thinking about Beth again. We sure grew up different, but we got broken the same way, at the same time. We clearly been thinking about the same things. She was just brave enough to actually pick up a knife and do something about it. I wonder if she knows now her Momma and step-brother been dead a long time, that they weren't sick at all, and were just bodies needed mourning. The Greenes were a little late to that, but it's like Meemaw used to say, better late than never.

I wonder if Beth regrets what she did. She could be dead right now, in a mound of dirt right next to her Momma.

When I was littler, I used to think Dad could read my mind when I was thinkin' unsavoury things like this, and that he'd give me in trouble right away. I thought that's how it worked with adults and kids, but it ain't. I can think whatever I want and it's safe inside my head.

The potatoes get peeled and diced and thrown into the soup like everything else, and then my new job is to help wash dishes.

When we're down to the last few, Maggie says I should take the bowl of soup up to Beth, 'cause they've got this handled.

"Sure." I agree before hopping down, wondering why my heart's beating so fast all of a sudden.

The door to Beth's bedroom creaks open.

I don't bother waiting for her to give me permission to come in. I just creep in all on my own, because from what I've heard, she hasn't talked all day. Her room is exactly like I would'a guessed. Like something out a trendy teenager's magazine, with a nice white desk covered in perfume bottles and hair clips and crumpled paper and books, blonde pop star posters stuck to the walls, a fluffy, cutesy rug, a teddy bear thrown on the lounge chair sitting by the window. Even the Mp3 player Maggie was telling me about, laying forgotten on the floor.

I carefully set the hot bowl on her nightstand, but something keeps me curious, and I don't turn to leave just yet.

Beth's staring at the wall like they said. Not out the window or anything. Just at the wall. I can't imagine her humming sweetly and letting me borrow one of her shirts, giggling at something I said from the other side of the bathroom door. She looks like a totally different girl.

"I went into shock too, yesterday." I randomly muse. "Or at least that's what Rick said. He's the one with the cowboy hat."

I think I might still be in shock. I'm talking and walking around, but inside, I feel like whatever statue Beth's turned into.

"I ain't sure if anyone's told you about it, but you prolly heard the screamin'. The man my Daddy stabbed, Shane, he took me away. We got pretty far. Sometimes I think about what would'a happened if we got even further, but... he was meant to die. Some people just are."

At that, she breaks her gaze away from that spot on the wall and looks me right in the eye. "Do you think I'm one of those people?"

"I... I ain't smart enough to know." I say honestly, before an awkward pause takes over. "'Cause I was only in grade two, y'know."

Carl seemed to find that funny when I first told him, but Beth just looks uninterested.

"And you?" She hides her bandaged wrists under the covers when she catches me looking. "What're you meant for? Dyin', or somethin' else?"

"I think, um... All I'm meant for is suckin' up hurt." I confess. "Like, there's all this bad in the world, and when there's nobody left for it to go to, it goes to me. Maybe I'm just unlucky. Maybe I done somethin' wrong. That's how life is, my Daddy says. So if that's the 'something else', I think I'd rather just be the type meant for dyin'. That's what my Momma did. She was in pain, and then one day... She wasn't."

"She killed herself," Beth says as fact.

"Yeah." I mutter, feeling the weight of the locket crush down on my chest as I take a seat on the edge of the bed. "She did."

"Was she the sort meant for dyin'?"

"No. She weren't." That much, I'm sure of. "She was just meant to be my Momma."

Beth's pretty eyes gloss over as she says very dully, "Our Mom's dead, too. Right before I thought I was about to die, I imagined what she'd think of me when we'd meet in heaven. She'd be ashamed, I know. Somehow, that was so much worse than the thought of going to Hell."

"Well, maybe your God made sure you didn't die." I guess, hoping it's comforting. "Maybe he wants you to live for everybody else."

A tear beads up on her waterline before sliding down her pale cheek. "I just don't know what to do. I think I'm ashamed, too."

"My Dad says you just gotta be stronger, but I don't know how." I wish I did. "I'm sorry. I'd tell you if I did."

"It's okay." With a sniff, she sends me a tiny smile. "You know, you're kind. I can just tell."

That makes me smile back. Something about my rugged hair, my mean face, my missing ear must still be soft like it was before.

Author's Note.

Sorry for the longer than usual wait between chapters! I've been dealing with intense writer's block recently so it just took me a while to get this out, but I'm pushing through!

I hope you're ready for a familiar face to return next chapter! ;)

PS. I wanted to thank you all for the touching dms and messages I've received recently, both on here and on ao3. It's still so mind blowing to me that there are so many people out there who hold a special place in their heart for this story just like I do. I'm so grateful for you all :) 💙

[merakiui]

For character bingo, Grim or Ruggie!

I really like Grim! He’s a fun, silly companion to have in a situation in which you are brought into an unfamiliar world. I know some companions in video games can become boring or annoying when they're with you so constantly, but I never feel that way with Grim. I like that he genuinely cares for his kobun hehe. <3 even if it never seems that way, there are lots of moments in the game where Grim shows he cares in his own ways and I like how his friendship with the MC (as well as ADeuce and other characters) has developed throughout the main storyline. :D also in book six where MC is so concerned about finding Grim??? That broke my heart omg!! T_T they just want to make sure he's safe aaaaaa!!!!!! And Grim crying in his cell about how he wants to see MC... (or something like that; admittedly, that scene in book 6 is foggy. ^^;;;)

Also, the tiny sprinkles of Grim lore we get!!!!! It makes me so curious to learn more about him and his (what I'm assuming is potentially) sad past. I think Grim deserves lots of happiness and premium tuna, and I hope only good things are in his future. He's a lovable gremlin who grows on you over time. :D

As for Mr. Ruggie...

OH RUGS!!!!! I love Ruggie!!!! <3 he's just like me fr. I hope for his success every day because he deserves only good things and no suffering whatsoever!!! I also really like his hair??? The colors and the style itself are just so satisfying to look at, if that makes any sense. orz his laugh is really cute, too. T_T every time he does that signature laugh of his, I find myself smiling because it's so fun to listen to.

When I'm not simping for Octavinelle or Heartslabyul, Ruggie is one of my favorites. He was the second character who caught my eye back in 2020 and I still love him dearly!!! I really would like to get some of his cards, but I can't lose sight of the inevitable Glorious Masquerade release (and Riddle's birthday in August). One day I will have a Ruggie SSR... one day....... >_< the way that this card art had me a vise when I first saw it in 2020:

Ruggie's backstory is so heartbreaking. It's another reason why I love him because, along with that circumstance and the circumstances he grew up with, it forced him to become more resourceful and cunning to survive. He may be another character who schemes and is always trying to make money, sometimes in less-than-shiny ways, but he's very hardworking! Ruggie working many part-times is so real. T_T I understand that grind and I hope he continues to do his best. <3 I want him to always be happy no matter what.

ALSO HIM BEING RAISED BY HIS GRANDMOTHER AAAAAAAA it makes me feel so fluffy because he is a really good guy underneath his sneakiness. Like when he brings leftovers and such home for the winter break to share with the other children in the slums!!! He has a very good heart!!! His grandmother raised him to be so sweet and caring. orz I love him too much.... Rugs, you're perfect in every single way hehe. (♡ˊ͈ ꒳ ˋ͈)

His UM is also very cool!!!! It has a lot of potential (sk!Ruggie) and the way it was utilized in book 2 was so terrifying. ;;;;; not being able to control your own movements because someone else is controlling them and your body is forced to follow every movement they make!!!!! Aaaaaa it's scary to imagine what a yandere!Ruggie might do if he ever needed to rely on his UM for help in getting darling...

[solvicrafts]

Personal pagan thoughts

There's this attitude that's circulated in the broader pagan community for quite a while that like... you either have to be a reconstructionist following one single pantheon or a fluffy woo neowiccan. Obviously not all pagans think that way and in more recent years I've seen more and more people step away from that mindset.

BUT

When I was in my early teens going from studying pagan cultures academically to kind of gradually starting to pursue paganism as more than just a niche interest, I was absolutely inundated with pressure to just PICK A SIDE and nearly 20 years later it's still an issue for me.

I've always felt this pressure to just conform and pick a side and be done with it. Put myself into a neat little box as un-offensive in design as possible and all that.

And the truth is I just can't do that no matter how hard I try.

And that's actually the main reason I don't often talk about my beliefs on here. Because while I've used "Hellenic Polytheist" as a label to describe myself and while it is more or less accurate, there's also so much more that goes well beyond that.

Basically... my beliefs and practices are messy. That's probably a big ADHD brain thing.

And I didn't start feeling okay with that until roughly this past year, when I finally started letting go of that pressure to fit into a neat label.

Are the Theoi particularly thrilled that I also have a budding relationship with a few deities outside their pantheon? Eh, probably not, but the feeling I get from them is that they're not terribly fussed about it. At worst I imagine them being like "yeah okay fine you can take my follower out to dinner just make sure you bring them home no later than 10."

Are the Theoi absolutely trembling with rage because I occasionally dabble in my own form of ~magic~ (but without that woooooo special K nonsense)? Nah, at worst they just think it's silly.

Do the Theoi give a shit that I sometimes incorporate imagery and themes from some of my favorite fictional settings into my practices? Again, probably not; those spider lights look damn cool on my shrine and as sad as it is that my khernips bowl broke this year, the spider-webbed replacement bowl is JUST as useful and pretty.

People act like the only legit pagans are the ones that are super serious all the time, NO FUN ALLOWED and like... yeah, okay, I'll admit that pagans can be reeeeaally cringe, but you know, I think it's okay to be a little cringe once in a while as long as you still remain grounded in reality (as in: crystals are not a substitute for modern medicine and sometimes that thing you think is a sign from a god is actually symptoms of a gas leak or something) and don't make a point of being an asshole, so what? Be cringe.

Maybe there's ONE TRUE RELIGION that has all the answer. Maybe NO religion has the answers. At the end of the day, none of us truly know. So why not have fun?

[soullikethesea]

I feel sad. Saw T yesterday and it went better than it did last time. I could tell she was really trying and she seemed open to connection. She also asked about parts and that felt nice, because sometimes many sessions go by without ever talking about parts and it does make some of us feel unseen at times. (I know we should just bring it up ourselves in those cases).

T asked if I felt like therapy feels like a repetition of something (like earlier therapy). And yeah, in some ways. It does remind me of L and Old T, near the end, right before I stopped seeing them. I told T that we have gotten to know each other really well and now that seems to make it progressively harder for me.

It feels stuck. I get knots in my shoulders as I approach the terrain. Mentioned that, and then T asked a whole bunch about "what the knots would say if they could talk". Lol. The only thing I could imagine them saying was "go away". Not to T, I think, but to me. T proposed taking a walk, but I was scared of seeing other people outside. So then she said to just imagine taking a walk. I couldn't bring myself to follow her in imagining, unfortunately. I just had Wuss yelling at me inside.

Whenever I felt myself being pulled into emotions, getting upset, he yelled that it's bullshit and that I need to snap out of it. The fear of getting upset for like three days again, losing precious energy I need to cope with work.

T also asked if I was upset with her, but I just can't find the words! I just don't know. Am I upset with her? Maybe??? But why???? And is it not just me being horrible and ruining everything? T said she wondered if it was "attachment stuff", and yeah, probably, who knows... She said that I could imagine a perfect session with a perfect therapist and then we would know what to do. I kind of snapped at her that she still expects *me* to know everything, but I actually don't. I think it would be something like a T proposing some exercises and guiding me through it by giving options.

It's probably transference or just me being stupid, but I do think I need more structure. And yes, this feels like being back at Old T and how she came to telling me that she can't help me.

The T I have now is a bit more solid, but yeah, maybe I'm already driving her towards that as well.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I want the world to make sense and not to lead my own therapy. I already lead so much while I'm teaching. And man, I feel so freaking lonely.

I'm holding on at work, but I'm sacrificing my ability to connect.

Wuss kind of blocks all possible therapy work as well. He says that it's bullshit to focus on the past, because it's over and it's just a pity party to think about it. He says that about any and all emotions, basically. It's wearing me down. It's true, I don't want to think about the past anymore. It feels too heavy. But I also want to live a life that has a certain quality of life to it. Being all alone and not even in touch with myself hurts that QoL.

I sent T an analysis video of the 8 Passengers case on Youtube. It reminds me so much of how my dad and stepmum were, their mindset. I hope it shows how you get an overcontrolled child. But it also feels so pointless to share. Who even cares, why should it matter what happened. I've thought about it for 10 years and I'm still struggling.

I wish I could go back to some inner softness and some connection. I'll take connection with T if that's all that's available. I just can't seem to handle it. Even breathing in therapy scares me.

[delirious-donna]

I'm so so glad that you are taking requests, now I got plenty plenty ideas! But unfortunately, I don't wanna scare you lol. So I'm just going with the one running on my mind for a while-

Since you want the requests to be precise, here you go!

Pairing : Natsu/Lucy(cause they're the best duh)

Prompt : We all know that Lucy has somehow gotten the idea that Natsu is incapable of romance so in this story, Natsu somehow learns about her misconception and it makes him feel uncomfortable for some reasons. But he doesn't quite realise what he feels so he chooses to not think much about it. Meanwhile Lucy decides that she needs to put some boundary in their relationship since it's painful for her to confine her own feelings. I'm implying the regular physical contact between them(cuddles, sleeping in one bed, close proximity). She doesn't wanna ruin their precious friendship for the sake of her supressed emotions. Hence she slowly starts trying to move on, which she can't. Natsu finds it all too confusing and frustrating. He can't bring himself to imagine someone else with Lucy.

And I'm a big Gratsu brotp fan, Gray gets what's going on and helps out Natsu. You can write their convo as per your choice! Finally Natsu understands and in the end, talks to Lucy.

Hope you can finish it soon!

Time To Talk [NaLu]

an: Hi Anon! Firstly, I am so sorry it has taken me this long to get around to writing this for you!! Secondly, this is my first ever ask on tumblr so I hope I've done okay? I didn't anticipate it would turn out this long, and to be fair I probably could have made it longer but I reined myself in! XD

pairing: Natsu Dragneel x Lucy Heartfilia

warnings: SFW, fluff, angst, Natsu is oblivious, Gray is a good friend, just wholesome feelings being discovered, lil fight between ice and fire, injuries and a lil blood

Masterlist

A dull ache added to each beat of his heart. He didn’t understand it, why did it hurt? Rubbing the spot on his chest where his heart lay beneath, he frowned and replayed the conversation he had overheard, although he was sure he was not meant to.

“You don’t get it Mira, Natsu, he – he just isn’t capable of feeling the way I do. It hurts but I have to put a halt to this before I drown in my own misery.”

Natsu had pondered those words for the past few days, puzzling over what exactly Lucy had been trying to say and coming up with a big fat nothing. True indeed that the Fire Dragon Slayer was more than a little dense, but when it came to matters of the heart, he was simply inexperienced.

Entirely unaccustomed to emotions more complex than happiness, sadness, anger, fear and familial love, it was not surprising that he chose to ignore the pang in his heart whenever his hand brushed against Lucy’s. Oblivious to why his stomach flitted nervously with enormous bat-like moths whenever they were parted, which gave way to ticklish wing strokes of dainty butterflies when they were finally reunited.

He knew that Lucy meant more to him than the rest of his beloved Fairy Tail family, but when he tried to define it, he couldn’t. It was like the words were stuck fast in his throat, choking him until he was blue in the face and it was maddening for the poor boy.

It was dragging him down, making him grumpy and abrasive to those around him.

His callous roughened hands curled into tight fists, eyeing the prominent veins that stood proud against his tanned skin and wished for a good brawl. A fight with someone that could take his intensity, absorb his flames and throw back an equal amount of power. Something, anything to take his mind off this problem that he had no idea how to even start to unravel – let alone resolve.

Gray!

Ruffling his vividly pink hair, he grinned his signature toothy grin but it was not full of good humour this time, oh no, he had come up with a plan to hopefully squash all thought of Lucy’s words out of his head. If he could not solve the problem, he would knock it from his head and who better to engage in a physical smackdown than Gray Fullbuster.

He just had to go find him…

~

Lucy sighed.

This was harder than she had anticipated. She had meant what she said to Mira, it was more than time that she place some boundaries on her ‘relationship’ with Natsu. Could you even call it a relationship? Honestly, she didn’t know at this point.

It felt wrong to say it was only a friendship; it wasn’t normal for a male and female to share a bed more often than they slept separately. To wake up in the mornings entwined in limbs that did not belong to their own body, basking in the bodily heat that the other provided in a way that spoke much more than a platonic friendship.

Lucy felt the safest when she was physically touching Natsu, innocent enough with hands that brushed against one another until that alone had not been enough. The contact evolved into quick hugs and then into arms that remained draped around shoulders and waists long past the point that would seem appropriate.

The last thing she wished to do was jeopardise the friendship that they did have, she would box up her own swelling feelings for her precious Salamander, and swallow them down. A bitter pill indeed, but it would be for the best. How long she could have gone on pining for someone that she was confident would never return her feelings, she wasn’t sure, but it was best not to find out.

Yet, it was like dying a thousand deaths when she bore witness to the mixture of hurt and confusion that etched upon his face when she denied him entry to her bed. Forced him to curl up on her sofa instead, a sofa that was much too small to contain his hulking mass but it was either that or the floor.

The scrunch above the bridge of his nose, sharp eyebrows drawn low into a frown and his lips tipped down as if he had tasted something unpleasant on his tongue. It hurt, every intimate detail that she noted was an individual agony, but she resolved to follow through.

It’s for the best…

Lucy tried to remind herself of this fact in the dead of the night; listening to the ferocious draconic snores of the Dragon Slayer in the next room. Sleep refused to come to her, dancing around her restless form that was much too small within this bed. Her fingers grabbed for the pillow that Natsu used, dragging it to her chest and nuzzling her face into the downy soft material. Inhaling that all too familiar scent of campfires that tickled her nose in the most addicting way and letting the tears fall freely.

Why couldn’t you love me like I love you, Natsu?

~

“What you staring at Ice Princess?”

Gray turned to spot an agitated looking Natsu. He cocked an eyebrow, watching intently as the pink haired idiot smacked his fists together until they ignited. The flames wreathed his hands, dancing their ritualistic war dance along his skin until they reached his muscled shoulders.

This was getting excessive now.

The Ice Mage was used to bouts of aggression with Natsu, the pair of them always keen to square off and prove who was the better mage, but this smacked of something else entirely. Barely a day went by without the two of them being dragged apart by Erza, and on one occasion, even Master Makarov had intervened.

Something was wrong, he could sense it like an approaching thunderstorm. The air was as thick as molasses, sticky on the skin and dragging the oxygen from the lungs until they burned.

His eye twitched as Natsu bumped into his chest with his own, their forehead inches from colliding and then he noticed it. The faint purplish colour under the Salamander’s blazing obsidian eyes, the near-constant grind of his sharp jaw and the sadness that he was trying to mask with his aggression.

Gray had known that Lucy was not her usual self either. Similar to how Natsu appeared, she was tired and often close to tears over apparently nothing. He was a smart man and putting two and two together, the answer was clear enough. Things were not as rosy as they normally were between the princess and her dragon. He would get to the bottom of this, but first, a good beat down sounded like fun.

He played along with the pathetic lure that Natsu had baited him with, knowing that the fiery male would be more willing to open up if he were to be physically exhausted.

“Staring at a pathetic piece of shit, that’s what!”

The fists flew in a flurry of movement; connecting with steely jaws and hardened stomachs. Ice met fire, the opposing elements engaging in a battle of their own. Fireballs flew in every direction, Natsu was getting sloppy in his technique and it worried Gray. He had to bring this to a close quickly.

“Ice Make – Ice Geyser” the raven haired male roared.

He leapt back as the ground around Natsu erupted with deadly looking ice spikes. His opponent managed to dodge the worst of them, as he had predicted he would, but he was not at his best. Ice wrapped around his left ankle and quickly coursed up his leg until he was immobilised from the waist down on one side.

Natsu panted heavily, his chest heaving with every breath he took and a nasty swelling already blooming over his right eye from an uppercut that Gray had landed earlier in the fight. A trickle of blood oozed from his cut brow and bathed the side of his face in blood. Cuts around the eye always had the worst way of making it look so much worse than it actually was.

“Feeling better?” Gray asked as he slowly melted the ice to free his friend.

The pink haired male fell to his knees and then back onto his butt. He pulled his knees up to his chest and linked his arms around his thighs whilst his cheek rested atop. Gray dropped to the dusty ground, giving Natsu enough space to not feel crowded but close enough to reassure him that he was willing to listen.

“Not really man,” came the quiet reply.

Manifesting a small lump of ice, he wrapped it in his discarded top and offered it to the Dragon Slayer.

“Something wrong with you and Lucy? I was sure you guys were as solid as a rock…”

Natsu scoffed as he pressed the makeshift icepack to his swollen eye.

“You tell me, I – I just don’t know what has changed. If I’ve done or said something that I shouldn’t have. Fuck, I wanted to forget about this but I overheard a conversation between Lucy and Mira. I still don’t understand it but it won’t leave my head. I thought that beating it out would be best, but you can see how well that has worked.”

The words poured from his mouth like a dam bursting its banks. He pounded his bloodied fist against the ground, kicking up dirt and small pebbles under the intensity of his strength.

“What did she say?” Gray asked tentatively, not wishing to interrupt but needing more context than he had been given so far.

Natsu reiterated the words he had heard and Gray understood immediately. This was just like him, he couldn’t see what was right in front of his face. Oblivious wasn’t the right definition, for he knew it was there, more like overwhelmed and uncertain.

“Fucksake… Natsu.”

“What?! What the fuck am I missing here? Will someone just tell me?! I cannot stand the not knowing, it’s killing me and Lucy is drifting away from me and I don’t know why,” he yelled, his voice raw with pure unfiltered emotion.

Gray huffed through his nose as he pinched at the bridge to stem the headache that was fast blooming.

“Is Lucy your friend?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Of course she is!”

“Do you think that she could be more than a friend?”

A look of confusion descended on the portion of Natsu’s face that he could see, and Gray would swear he could see the cogs whirring and grinding in his brain as he scrambled to understand what that meant.

“Let me put it this way flamebrain, how would you feel if you were to walk in on me kissing Lucy? Like passionately kissing, my fingers tangled in her golden hair, pressing my-”

His words were cut off as the Dragon Slayer lunged from his throat.

Gray chuckled darkly as he managed to avoid being grabbed and shackling the enraged male with ice once more.

“Don’t like that thought do you?” he smirked.

“Bring your fucking face here right this second, I want to knock your damn teeth out!” Natsu roared like a feral beast. His face was as vividly pink as his hair, veins popping on his forehead as he strained against his bitterly cold restraints.

“Natsu, calm yourself.

“Listen, man, Lucy thinks that you do not see her as anything other than a friend, but given how you just reacted, I think it’s safe to say that your feelings are more than simply born of friendship. You need to talk to her, she is pushing you away to save her heart. I bet it is killing her to do so, and you need to stop it before it becomes irreparable. Understand?”

The dawn of comprehension was amusing to watch. The metaphorical light bulb moment seemed silly to imagine until it was basically happening in front of his eyes.

~

The walk along the canal that led Lucy towards the Fairy Tail guildhall was no longer a comfort, instead, her feet felt leaden. She knew he would be there, Natsu had left her apartment earlier in the morning and had not yet returned. Part of her wished to return to bed, to wrap herself tightly in the lingering scent of him on her bedsheets and stay there forever.

Her morose thoughts were interrupted as a blur of motion came barrelling towards her.

As if summoned by her thoughts alone, Natsu stood in front of her, out of breath and looking badly beaten up. The blonde gasped at the wound on his eyebrow and the eye that was practically swollen shut.

“Natsu! What happened? Do you need me to find-”

Time stood still as he interrupted her words to pull her into a tight bear hug. Her feet dangled and for a moment she didn’t know how to react. It didn’t last long as her arms hooked around his neck and she squeezed him in return.

A wealth of tears sprung from her eyes as she lost herself within his embrace, how she had missed this. Lucy buried her face into the soft fabric of his scarf, the intense scent of him filling her to capacity as she let the barricades come tumbling down.

Her heart was in ruins, and she knew right then that she would never be able to stuff these feelings down ever again. She didn’t know what this would mean for their future, and it hurt her to think of having to physically move away to find any semblance of closure or peace.

“Luce,” he mumbled into her hair.

She gasped as she realised he too was inhaling her scent, one hand spearing into her blonde hair, holding her to him as the other crushed her torso to his own.

At long last they parted, her feet once again kissed the ground and she hesitantly met his gaze.

“We’ve gotta talk Luce, let’s go home.”

[vacantgodling]

15 character questions!!

thankuuuu @kudzucataclysm ily. ig i'll do this for chidorky cuz why not :D

tagging @henrike-does-writing-sometimes @magic-is-something-we-create @sarahlizziewrites & anyone else who'd like to do this :D

1 - Are you named after anyone?

No, I don't think so. I think my parents just liked the way it sounded? I never asked either of them about it, to be honest. I was always just Chidori haha!

2 - When was the last time you cried?

HmMMmm. When the mechanic shop charged me like 200 sturges(1) for their last repair part for my boots. I cried so much holy shit, that was my entire paycheck for the past three weeks. If the Bianchi's(2) weren't so good to me I would probably be homeless again, but gooood those mechanics are mean.

sturges are the currency of the world, named after the now extinct sturgeon fish :)

the Bianchi's are amehana's family, they run the medium restaurant chain BIG TOPZ CHIKIN N' SHRIMP. as they've known and cared for chidori since he was young, they look after him like family since he has none of his own :)

3 - Do you have kids?

Nah, but I don't think I'd want kids. That's more Ame's kind of thing, honestly. I can't imagine changing my life to work around someone else’s. To be there and then... potentially be gone. And then make them have to suffer alone. I mean--I've already been through something like that, so I wouldn't want to do something like that to someone who would depend on me. I like kids though! I consider myself a kid sometimes to be honest www

4 - Do you use sarcasm?

Sometimes yeah! I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it :’D

5 - What’s the first thing you notice about people?

A lot of their physical um… form? Usually I don’t pay attention to people unless i’m TMing and that’s usually so like, if something happens I know if I can get them out of harms way or not, y’know?

6 - What’s your eye color?

Ahhhhh *checks mirror* Yellow… Brown? If that’s a color? Like it’s a really light brown but there’s no green so it can’t be hazel… I dunno honestly ww

7 - Scary movies or happy endings?

BOTH! I hate movies that end with everyone being dead and sad cuz that sucks and if I want to live in a fantasy world like at least let the death mean something. I’d say the same thing about real life but sometimes death is so… meaningless. Y’know? It’s really bleak to think about. So, I don’t wanna deal with that in a movie BUT it has to be cool and action packed and a lil scary to be interesting!

8 - Any special talents?

I can break dance pretty well! I have a photographic memory of the city and all of its routes :3c

9 - Where were you born?

I dunno, to be honest. It’s something I never asked my parents about before and I don’t know if I care that much to be honest. I’m here! That’s what matters.

10 - What are your hobbies?

Break dancing, spending time with friends, ummm… Hoverboarding? I guess. I like to do stuff! So I’m willing to try anything :3

11 - Have you any pets?

Nah. I’m not home enough to take care of one, and the permit process to even Get a pet is too tedious y’know? There aren’t really many pets left around, so you have to be registered to have one and like, they can come and take your pet away from you if you’re an unfit owner and shit so like, I’d rather not deal with that.

12 - What sports do you/have you played?

I used to play air hockey(1)! It was a lot of fun but I was never like super good at it. I got cut from the team a lot, but they’d always bring me back on when they needed an extra player! I mostly enjoyed just doing it, I never really got people who cried if we won or lost? I just wanted to enjoy doing it so I did!

air hockey referring to actually using hover boots to play something akin to hockey as we know it in the air. there’s a puck that has its own magnetic field and the sticks are basically just giant magnets that keep the puck aloft.

13 - How tall are you?

5’8”? I think? I haven’t measured recently! :3

14 - Favorite subject in school?

Mm, school wasn’t really for me—like high school. But, the train academy (authors note: that i will properly name eventually…) was everything to me! I got to learn more about the history of our city, trains, combat, how to be a train master and stuff so. That I enjoyed.

15 - Dream job?

Already living it! Train master supreme baby!! :DD

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #6

Dear Sephiroth,

It's Christmas today. It's one of the days upon which people in my world like to celebrate your birthday, so Happy Birthday!

Days like these usually aren't especially happy for me though, for a variety of reasons. I guess it's about time I got into 'em… I'll warn you now, if abuse (all forms) and trauma are triggers for you, this is probably something you should avoid reading.

The short version is that I am estranged from all of my biological family. It sucks and I wish it didn't have to be that way; my family is full of good and beautiful people, even though they've made some really weird choices in the throes of their pain and fear, even though some of those choices have permanently affected me in ways that are very much not ideal, and even though, no matter how hard I try, they do not hear me calling them back into the light. My voice just… isn't the kind of voice that most people find credible, I guess. There are a lot of societal reasons for that, but I won't get into that just now; maybe some other time. In any case, my hand is outstretched to them always if they want to try, but… well… they don't seem to want to, and I can't afford to bend myself into pretzels and sacrifice my peace of mind for them anymore - not while people who are willing to respect me are counting on me to be emotionally stable and meaningfully present in their lives.

The long version is that my birth in this place was accidental. I didn't come into being because I was wanted; I came into being because the condom broke. I was kept around most likely because things like aborting your kid and giving your kid up for adoption come with a lot of stigma - my parents would have had to face the fury of their family and social group, and that would have been very bad for them. From there, a lot of really weird and objectively awful stuff happened. In those days, I wasn't really a person; I was treated more like an appliance or a piece of furniture. I was a physical and emotional punching bag for others, both in and out of the various houses and schools I grew up in. I was tapped as a resource with little regard for my wellbeing (outside of that which was strictly obligatory; in my world, it's illegal to starve your kid, for example). I was parentified, objectified, beaten, and broken, and a lot of terrifying, horrifying stuff happened in between (I'll not get into it; it's too much, and I don't want you to be sad). I've been altered forever because of it all.

As it was taught to me as a child, I needed to make up for my existence by serving my master - in this case, "master" is defined as either a parental-type caretaker, a teacher or a professor, or a romantic partner, or even a friend who didn't seem to mind that I am a thing that breathes. In my case, "serving my master" looked like bringing home excellent grades, making sure the house is spotless at all times, taking care of my siblings, and doing literally whatever was asked of me, no matter how uncomfortable I felt about it or what it cost me. Again, I won't get into it; it's really not pretty.

There were PUNISHMENTS (some subtle, others very much not subtle) for failing to jump through these hoops. There were different and less severe punishments for jumping through the hoops I was meant to fail at. I did everything I could to avoid these punishments (imagine my shock at the fact that they couldn't really be avoided, despite my best efforts), bending myself up like a pretzel into whoever those in my vicinity wanted me to be. It was like the most hellish game of Twister - I couldn't fathom at the time that the conditions of this "game" were unfair, and I tore myself to pieces every single time I fell down, because at the time, tearing myself apart hurt less than having others do it for me.

But still, that's not to say it was all bad. It's not as though there was never smiles or laughter or wholesome things then. And I do know that those who were in charge of my care did love me, even if their upbringings left them unable to show it in non-violent ways. It's just that all the other stuff, all the other ways that the world seemed to be telling me that I was hated, unwanted, didn't belong, and should disappear were overwhelmingly heavy, and I almost didn't make it.

Against all odds though, I did make it. With your help, and with the help of a few very important others, I made it. I was 22 when I made it to safety, and from there, things were really weird at first. At the time, it had been ground into my skull that empathy is weakness, mercilessness is strength, cunning and ruthlessness were lauded as virtues, and emotions and expressions of wants and needs are for other people, not for me, because when I do it, it's just evidence that I'm nothing but a selfish, manipulative attention-seeker who likes to trick people into doing things for me when they shouldn't have to. When they do it, it meant that I didn't do a good enough job of anticipating their wants and needs before they had to express them, and that, too, was a punishable offense.

I can't say that I was a very kind or even a very good person then. Others try to convince me sometimes that the goodness was in me, but I think that's probably not true; I know the judgment and scorn with which I viewed others when they did not live their lives through the same harsh lens that I was brought up with. I remember how angry I used to get internally whenever I'd see children speak without permission at the grocery store. I remember the contempt I felt at schoolchildren who were allowed to stay home when they were sick. I remember all the manipulative ways I got my siblings to comply with my caretakers' rules, because if I failed to keep them in line, I was going to be the one who was punished for it, not them. I remember just how mistrustful I was towards anyone who was different from me, and how very little empathy I had for other people at the time; after all, it was taught to me over and over again that there is only one correct way to be a human (that's just "common sense", right?? this is sarcasm - insert a sigh and an eye roll here), and compassion is how you either get screwed over by other people, or end up making it so they can't survive on their own. In those days, either way, if something bad happens to me, or if something bad happens to someone else, it's my fault for having cared too much in the first place.

I was accustomed to other people using me as though I am something that is disposable. I was, with only a few exceptions (you know who you are; thank you!), accustomed to receiving verbal, physical, and even sexual violence whenever I wasn't "perfect" as defined by those within my vicinity. This was my "normal" for a very long time, and my "normal" blinded me to a variety of things, including, joy, love, care… and perhaps counterintuitively, the suffering of other people. There was so much that I simply couldn't see.

So the whole "safety, compassion, and empathy" thing was all very new and foreign to me. It took me a long time to get used to. And in the process, I lashed out often at the very same people who were trying so hard to help me, not unlike a dirty, mangy, rot-afflicted cat being captured and taken to the vet - all growls, claws, and teeth that mean BUSINESS - incidentally, did you know that cats have flesh-eating bacteria in their mouths that can make you lose an arm if they bite you, even if you get treatment promptly?

But through my kicking and screaming and resistance, I was gently held accountable for all my bullshit. What was most shocking, I think, was the fact that the people who were with me were able to hold me accountable without judging me, even when I was behaving in ways that were objectively not very lovable. But I learned. I learned, and I'm different now. I'm not the same bitter, angry, spiteful, hard-hearted person I used to be. I'm always learning new and better ways to listen to and relate to other people. I'm always learning more and more about lives and stories that look very different from my own. I am always learning to increase my self-awareness and communication skills. I'm always trying harder to learn how not to react harshly, with judgment or violence, when I feel hurt, angry, or afraid. It's not to say that I never make mistakes anymore; I can still be harsh and judgmental sometimes, and that's not great when it happens. But I can see clearly now that the true definition of strength is in choosing to be soft, loving, and kind, even in a world as fucked-up as this one, and even when you know you're gonna get hurt for it.

But it took a lot of help and a lot of courage for me to get to this point. I can say with absolute certainty that pulling back the veil on all the crap I lived through (instead of burying my head in the sand and pretending that it was all normal and okay) is, in some ways, more painful than the events themselves. Finding and rooting out all the shitty coping mechanisms I developed, staring at my own ugliness in the face, choosing to love and care for that ugliness anyway until it becomes something beautiful, breaking myself down piece by piece, and stitching myself back together from scratch… all of it without any kind of anesthesia, haha… doing this took unimaginable strength, and it's not something that people can do without help, I think; I've been lucky enough to have received a lot of hands, outstretched to me, trying to lift me up, even while I was trying to bite them; living life without chains, outside of the dark hole that I knew, seemed terrifying then, and I couldn't understand at the time that they were trying to help me to be free. I'm glad that I understand a lot more things now. But I still have so very much left to learn, and so much lost time to make up for…

You can do this, too. You have the necessary intelligence, courage, and strength of heart for it. And you have lots of people who would be willing to help you. I am one of them. So please try, because refusing to try is tantamount to saying that I am stronger than you.

And don't you DARE try tell me that some derpy, feeble, traumatized, autistic nerd like me is stronger than you. That's impossible, and you'll never, ever get me to believe that kind of nonsense. I know for a fact that you're better than me in every possible way, so if I can crawl my way back into the light with a bit of help, then so can you. That "bit of help" is right here in front of you; all you have to do is take the hand that is outstretched to you. Even if there wasn't already a lot of hands outstretched to you, mine will always be here, waiting; that much is a constant. You don't get to say that there is no one who is willing to try for your sake. You don't get to say that there isn't someone who cares. I am literally right here, and I always will be, even long after my ephemeral, unremarkable life fades unnoticed into obscurity.

I don't want to leave this on a melancholy note though, so I'll leave you with this picture, done by a person named Kate:

You are loved. You are needed. You are irreplaceable. Whatever it is that you're doing over at The Edge of Creation, make good, kind, and loving choices. And please come back to us safe and sound.

Your friend, Lumine

[toournextadventure]

Why am I now thinking of a fic based around the idea of Reader and either Lorraine or Tara, but in a modern 'Pacific Rim' AU set in the near future? (I'm saying either of these two because I love the idea of Jenna Ortega being in a PR movie, but it'd be weird to write a fic based on a movie with just her in it or as a new OC character and be like "Imagine it's Jenna Ortega"...if that makes sense? Both Lorraine and Tara are older too, so about 24/25)

Tara because I love the idea of her being a cocky little spitfire sailing through the tests and getting drafted onto the 'Drift' program where she gets paired with the 'Veteran' Reader (who of course has a tragic back story) who takes an instant dislike to her backtalking attitude and tries to knock her down a peg or two in training. But they eventually grow from tolerating one another to being really close and becoming so in sync with one another they become the best Jaeger pilots (Tara may or may not also thirst like hell over Reader when she's training, because dear god those muscles 🥵)

Or Lorraine because I also love the idea of her absolutely acing the logic, apptitude and compatibility tests because she's a very smart cookie. And turns out she is 'Drift Compatible' with the Veteran Reader. Reader though is instantly dismissive and initially tries to scare her off the program (partly because she reminds her far too much of the person she already lost but mostly because she can't bear the thought of another young person losing their life in the fight) by pushing her too far in training to get her to leave. "If you can't even beat me, then how the hell are YOU going to fight a Kaiju?" But despite her size and not being as physically strong as the other cadets, she keeps coming back for more every time, even when others don't. Eventually Reader realises she underestimated Lorraine and trains her properly and how to rely on her other strengths too, while Lorraine shows Reader a different way to fight by using logic and how to open up and even love again. (Plus Reader may or may not have a very soft spot for that gentle, lilting Texan accent of Lorraine's. Absolute Southern Belle that she is!)

I swear if I had the time, I would write this myself. Instead it seems that I'm doomed to have ideas that may never see the light of day 😭

No wait but a PR AU would work so well with this? With either of them?? Like Tara being the natural that just has no issues at all EXCEPT she isn't drift compatible with anyone. Like, she's top of her class in all areas, but it doesn't matter if she can't drift with anyone. But when they're about to give up on her and decide "just throw her with R" and then it works? And Reader is pissed because this little brat is already rollin around like she owns the place? Oh it starts a riot (and maybe Reader likes Tara's spunk just a little bit, but that's no one else's business)

And Lorraine is just too soft, not necessarily in a bad way, but it brings a certain sadness to Reader because shit... life really has come down to this, huh? Where someone like Lorraine has to join in on the fight? But once Reader realises Lorraine won't just duck and hide, only then do they put in the genuine effort to help her succeed and stay safe. They turn into an unexpected power team that, quite frankly, is unstoppable

[adulting-sucks]

How can a 41 yr old not comprehend the fact that the people who you are around with as in friends and dating and hang out with and is everything. Its like high school cliques. People of like minds and view always hang out together otherwise why are you hanging out and are together.

I knoenthere are so many fans out there that like myself that can't support or be a fan of someone who supports racism anti semitism and homophobia or being fat phobic.

He did Red Sea Diving Resort i hope he got a angry call or text from the director and producers and the writer of the book for now supporting and being with antisemitic people. He shitted on them and Jews. I'm happy for Jenny that she got away from him.

If it was PR move so netflix will give him the Gene Kelly project in exchange for free warrior nun pr -it was the worst move of his career. Some one on a blog said the Mario cart video was to humiliate her or looked it- is his version of crying for help or maybe he's an asshole and were finally seeing him for who he is.

If he actual is dating her and choosing to hang out with her friends too and not having extra ppl there cause he can't stand to be alone with her its just sad to see he lied about caring about so many diffrent things

.. (nothing about age idc about that once you're 18 it doesn't matter legally. Dicaprio has had an age thing for forever and that's the difference he doesn't date someone whose views are disgusting and hateful)

I wonder how Scott feels about her, given homopbobia she and her friends have shown.

Agree. We are absolutely reflections of who we spend our time with. My close friends are very like minded to my same values and thoughts. I will cut people off, no hesitation who bring turmoil to that part of my world.

Don’t get me wrong, I get along with my coworkers because it makes my work life easier, but outside of work, it’s a non issue because I don’t allow them into that area.

PR probably works so much differently than we even know, but you are absolutely correct in saying this has been the worst move of his career. I don’t buy into this being real. I’ve flipped and flopped, but seeing the pap walk and WDW in action along with the absolute forced and manufactured feel of the IG stories cemented me in this is not real.

He’s always been private and protective of the ones he cares about. That’s what is so different about this. It is being forced out in overkill because there’s no need to address every single issue we’ve discussed with pictures.

That being said, it in no way excuses what’s happened now. Do I think he woke up and just said fuck this, I no longer care about racism, antisemitism, body shaming because look at this pussy!? No. I don’t. But by continuing this charade and allowing his team to double down instead of addressing any of this is a massive mistake. As I’ve said, this has become the ultimate fuck you to those of us who still attempted to see the good in him. We’ve been told we don’t fucking matter and what he’s fought against was purely for his own agenda.

He is losing massive amounts of his fan base, and at first I’m sure no one batted an eye. We’re crazy, remember? But look what went along with that. He is consistently called out on all posts and comments. He may not read every single one, but he still has to have some idea of what’s being said. I cannot imagine anyone would be okay with being perceived the way he is right now without it affecting him somehow.

So here we are: he’s now set to do two Comic-con appearances, trying to attach his image back to that of Steve Rogers, and not the person he is currently. Now he has to try and win back some of his fans. Who knows, Seb managed to bounce back from Ale, but he also has worked tirelessly to show his fans he’s not what they thought he was. I don’t know if Evans will do that. I hope so.

We know how his mother feels. Scott has barely interacted with them at all, he unfollowed Justin early on and never really commented on her shit before she ran away. But to see this distance, this schism in the relationship between him and his family, that’s the saddest part to me. I would love to believe he would never be with someone as vile as she is, and that he would never subject his family to that. And to an extent, we’ve seen that. They’re always isolated in pictures and videos. We don’t see her in any family photos and that’s pretty telling also.

As far as him humiliating her? I have not one ounce of anything for her. If he is humiliating her, I couldn’t care less. I may sound like a giant bitch for this, but she lied about a traumatic event to garner attention. I actually at one point did feel some sympathy for her, seeing how her family and friends exploited her in her career. But she pulled that fake kidnapping story, and any ounce of good will or sympathy I had was gone.

That was beyond reprehensible. Beyond disgusting. Add that in to what we see now and know, she deserves every bit of karma and bad energy she gets. She is a master manipulator, she has used every trick to stay relevant and manipulate her fans and this fandom, and she deserves to receive whatever karmic payback she’s got coming.