#thats why we mind our business!!!!! when it comes to other peoples health!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justanotherstardrop · 2 years

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That's okay! You guys should be able to talk about things when you're comfortable with it. That's understandable too. It's always hard not knowing and worrying about if someone believes you.

That's awesome though! I'm so proud of you guys for being able to fuse the Shanes together! It takes a lot of hard work and time! Here's a medal for you guys! 🏅 So proud of you guys!

Y'all are welcome! Positivity is always nice to give to others! ✨✨ thank you guys for the positive energy as well! I'll give you some more with my magical powers ooo 🪄🪄🧙🏼‍♀️

Lots of good vibes for you guys and anyone who happens to see this!

Of course! I love love love supporting others! I will do my best to support you guys! You guys are very kind too. ( ≧‿≦)

I struggle with that too :P it's hard not to doubt if you're faking or not, but if you have to think about if you're faking or not, then you're not faking! You guys are valid and I believe you guys are a real system. You guys are real.

It really does hurt when people do that. It's hard when people don't believe you or pretend they do. I wish more people would take the mentally ill seriously. And that's okay! Me too. I always doubt it when someone says they believe me, but it's okay to want confirmation!!

Ohh wings! Those are cool too!

Thanks for the emotion wheels! I found one I liked, but these are good too! I'll make sure to use them!

It's okay! I don't mind late replies. It's okay to take your time with things! Sometimes things get busy or you just don't have the energy and that's okay! I'm glad the mania ended!

Hospitals are low key terrifying. I've heard too many stories of what happened in them to feel comfortable when going in them anymore. That's a lot of times. I can see why it was hard. It must have sucked really really bad going that many times. Here's a flower, because you guys deserve an award for getting through all that. 🌹

And yay! I'm glad I'm able to do something, even if not much. And of course! I do my best.

I'm glad you guys are feeling okay! I honestly get that too. It's normal to feel skeptical when you don't feel bad I think. I'm glad Magenta isn't manic anymore too!

I'm doing pretty okay I think. Weird but alright I think. How are you guys doing?

-🌺

hellooo we're blurry rn but we thought wed reply now hello 🌺 anon

thank you we appreciate it! we'd love to get to know you. ask us any questions youd like! can we ask you one? whats your fav colour? and fav season?

yes were happy the Shane(s) are now one and they feel a bit "whole". it look 2 months but we did it.

thanks for the magic and the vibes! were sending you good vibes too! some of us do magic in headspace but we haven't done a full spell in a while IRL lol..

that you for your supoort. were here for you too. it means a lot to us. we try to believe in our system but its hard and comes with the tetoritory apparently thinking your faking, imposter syndrome, etc. but we're trying!

yes tails and wings for most of us. its weird haha. we feel like some limbs should be gone but thats a whole other mental health issue that some alters struggle with that were gonna work on to fix. we may explain one day wdk its kinds personal maybe another alter whos dealing with it would like to talk about it. Shane, Faith and Star are the main ones we know about. BIID.

ahh were glad we hope it helps you identify your emotions. they dont always work but they help you think.

thank you. and we you dont mind we skipped some answers cause we either forgot or couldnt keep that line in convo going .. hope thats ok

lowkey? its highkey terrifying . hospitals are tough. we dont like to talk about it much. we try not to think about it. but its okay. we hope we dont go back.. but we can see ourselves crashinh soon and were scared about that. thank you fof the flower heres one of you 🌼

were glad youre doing okay. how are you know? we feel dissociative, sad, anxious, and tired and in pain.. chronic mental and physical illness is tiring and sucks.. were blurry rn. were trying to disract ourselves with a baking show. wanna draw but too tired. >.< daydreaming on and off. a positive caregiving paracosm.. visualizing caretakers giving support to the littles/middles/bigs that need it. daydreaming together is easier blurried but its a mess haha... anyways how are you? nicd convo with you we love gettinh your asks - Blurry

#asks #🌺 anon #shane #shanes

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acertainsomeone · 3 years

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scintilla of love - EdSer Oneshot

Summer House

Their first time. It was memorable. It was special. It always will be.

Eda’s heart skipped a beat when Serkan called her to meet him at the summer house. She almost thought that he remembered everything but no. He didn’t sound like her Serkan. There was something odd with his voice but she could tell he wasn’t back.

Eda anticipated his reason to call her throughout her way from home to their summer house.

Did he know he gifted her the house right after their first time?

What if he called her to ask it back?

Serkan had been so rude and cruel that she could expect anything from him. She couldn’t understand how his behavior varied from time to time. One moment he would be reminding her of Old Serkan, the one she fell for. She would feel hope that maybe his memory is coming back. But the very next moment he would be uttering those words that pierced her soul like a poisonous dagger.

Was he cruel enough to take away all memories back?

But he returned the ring to her

He hugged Selin in front of you Eda, He said that she is his sunshine

But you were his fairy.

Not anymore.

STOP OVERTHINKING.

She tried to force herself that Serkan had called her for work but this sounded quite wrong, to call your business partner at a secluded place.

Anyhow, Eda reached the Summer House, bracing herself for what was yet to come.

*****

“Serkan!” Eda shrieked in panic. This isn’t what she expected. Of all the assumptions she made, this was not in her mind. He was sitting on the sofa, injured; his hands were bleeding and it seemed that he had hit himself on his head.

She rushed towards him and held his face in her hands.

His eyes.

Eda winced, what happened Serkan. What is this all about?”

He looked at her apologetically, he had been crying for sure. He never cried. The last time he cried was when his brother died but not after that.

Even Eda knew that it was rare for Serkan to shed a tear especially because he told her once that she filled his life with so much happiness that he could not bring himself to think about anything worse.

“Why are you sitting like this, why haven’t you put an ointment? Serkan I’m so done with you being so careless about everything. I thought you were the hypochondriac one here.” her outburst was rapid, and she was this close to having a panic attack. Ever since his plane accident, Eda became even more paranoid about his health .

Why wasn’t he saying something

“Hadi, get up, you must be in pain.”

“Not as much as you.” he whispered, almost inaudible. She looked at him disbelievingly. For sure, he hadn’t remembered anything yet because otherwise she would have known.

What was it then? What happened?

“Serkan, we will talk about this later on, tamam mi? Come on now, You’re bleeding for God’s sake.”

He held her fingers possessively, and Eda’s heart almost stopped beating. He was in pain. Something had happened and he had-

Did he

“SERKAN, did you hurt yourself on purpose, you-”

“Yok” He shook his head immediately. “I wasn’t in my senses while coming here and had a minor accident. Trust me, it wasn’t intentional.”

Eda tried to read his expressions. But all she could decipher was pain.

“Would you ever be able to forgive me?” “Not as someone whom you loved but just as a human?”

“Serkan what you’re scaring me please tell me what happened”

He sighed a long heavy breath.

“Selin was the first friend I ever had, even before Engin, Piril and Sirius. We were family friends, She was always around. When my brother died, the only person who ensured to remain in contact was Selin. She was my friend and a confidant. She knew me. And I always trust her. Just like we would trust someone we know since childhood. I would never doubt her. Never. Maybe, this is exactly why I decided to call her when I opened my eyes in hospital that day. It wasn’t my mother or my father because they were the ones who had abandoned me, once. It wasn’t Engin or any other friend because that moment in the hospital, I felt exactly like the day my parents had sent me to boarding school. I don’t know if I ever told you, but Selin was the only one who remained in contact with me when I was at my boarding school . She was the one who bothered to ask me how I was.-”

“Serkan,, why are you telling this” Eda whispered in concern.

She was not bothered by whatever he said, she knew most of it. She knew Selin had been an important part of his life.

She knew he had never loved her but she was a significant person who once helped him escape his traumas. Eda wanted him to stop because it was painful for him to revive those memories. She knew he always disliked talking about those days spent right after his brother’s death, in that school, away from his parents.

“Hear me out Eda, you need to know. I don’t know why but you should know that the Serkan who forgot about your existence called Selin only because he trusted her enough.”

“I know, you don’t have to tell me about this. Serkan, we need to-”

“I’m your delinquent.”

“Serkan, I never blamed you for forgetting me. You had an accident, trust me not even for once I held you accountable. Forgetting me, forgetting us wasn’t in your hands. Yes, I am mad at you, you rile me up with your antics because you haven’t been trying to remember anything, In fact you- you.” She stopped, unable to finish her sentence. It might’ve been wrong to say it right now. She had saved this conversation for some other day.

“I hurt you. Intentionally. Eda, I knew what I was doing. It was insensitive, barbaric and utterly ruthless of me to stick to selin when I knew that you were in love with, when I knew that I had left you few hours before our wedding.”

“I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that.”

Eda remained numb, he had said what was in her heart all this time. But wasn’t she doing the same?

“I know your decision to get engaged to Selin was as impulsive as mine, Serkan.”

“And I know both of us tried to get close to our fiancé’s only to spite each other.” “You were doing it for love, but I- I was just being a dick.”

“Why does it matter Serkan? What happened and what has changed?”

“Everything.”

“Tonight- I got to know that the friend I had trusted since childhood, the one I thought would never deceive me has been responsible for everything”

“i don’t understand”

“I had been following the medicine prescribed by Selin’s doctor. He was the one looking after me ever since she rescued me from the hospital. It was until today that I somehow felt the need to go to another doctor, something didn’t feel right. I had been having these flashbacks but the doctor and selin didn’t correspond. And turns out my medicines have been tampered”

“You are still on medication?!” She gasped

“Evet. There are things I cant do and I need to take double dosage to work properly.”

“Why would she do that? I mean of course she wants you back, but why continue the fake meds when your memory isn’t coming back anyways?”

“Thats the thing, it is coming back or more precisely I have been having flashbacks. Selin knew. I told her. Bak Eda I’m sorry for-”

“Serkan, I’m not expecting you to come to me and telling me about those flashbacks anyways.”

“Eda, I know I have a lot to do, I have to make it up to you, not as the man you loved but as someone you knew, as a human. Because what I did, what I have been doing was inhumane. I had no right to hurt you like this.” “For now, all that’s on my mind is that we need to avenge her. I am not letting her get away with this easily, she had no right to ruin our lives.”

They looked at each other with longing . Eda felt close to him yet distanced. She wanted him back , she wanted him to love her like before but for now this was important. Selin has crossed her limits this time and she would not let her ruin their lives anymore.

“I’m with you in this- together.” She smiled at him and held his hand in hers . Serkan impulsively rubbed his index on her star.

For the first time in months they saw some hope. A hope to fix everything.

“Btw why did you go to Dilek Hanim again?” She asked while tending to his bruises

He blushed and wished that Eda wouldn’t notice. “Heart burn” he paused

“It isn’t serious, she said I need to take my vitamins properly”

Eda smirked sheepishly. “I get it . You’ve had those heartburns before. Not a big deal, we’ll fix it too.”

He did not know what she mean but whatever it was both knew it had to do something with her. His mind forgot but his heart couldn’t.

When you are left with nothing

It’s love that calls us back

It’s love that puts you at sleep

It’s love that brings you comfort

When you are defeated it’s love that means everything

Thus, we never give up on people we love

#eda yildiz #edser #serkan bolat #sen çal kapimi #sen cal kapimi #sen çal kapımı #sen cal kapımı #turkishdizi #hande erçel #kerem bürsin #edser fic

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ectonurites · 3 years

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for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon):

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him,

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious):

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing):

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it.

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit)

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having

D (canon is a coward and won’t)

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon):

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious):

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing):

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t)

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

#onwater #jason todd #cassandra cain #sam writes

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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

yeah same, i follow some fic accs that occaisionally post smut and its like mmmmm is the fluff writing enough to balance the posts that gives me finger burn trying to scroll past it? but yeah thats probably the way to go

ah i wasnt there for the teaser but i can imagine that was tantalising. lmaoo yes but to be fair i do have a writing acc called channiesbigheart so... balancing it out? but i absolutely am whipped beyond belief. it was a TRAVESTY how COULD they have. yeah the b sides gave him more lines but they werent the ones that were performed over and over at stages. yessss the line distribution in this album is impeccable, im pretty sure the thunderous stuff was some of their best distribution

hehe i can understand that, sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know? mmmm the differences are a bit nuts, it was 14 degrees today and in less than a week its going to be 32 or smth. BROOO that would be legendary, i bet theyd treat their artists rlly well and have great music as well ahhh but its a lot of work adn commitment. yES that is a mood if ever i heard one.

its the same in australia as well, sadly, you have people who hold up harry styles and lil nas x for breaking gender roles and wearing make up adn steryotypical womens clothing (and keep in mind i have infinite respect for both of them theyre honestly doing so much for the de-dehumanising of gay people and those who wear whatever they want), and calling the kpop boys gay and other things for doing the same thing, when theyve been doing it for years and gotten no recognition smh its so tragic. yes, anyway YES ONLY 6 MONTHS I AM FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES A BBY STAN altho i considered myself a fully fledged stay like 2 days after i got into them cos i just spent all day researching and fixating. YES someone said it. it feels like theyre losing a huge chunk of why a lot of people liked their music in teh first place, which was that whole dna, dope, fire mood. and even doing bright songs is fine, liek they should do what they want but i feel liek the western music industry is so fucking toxic that they feel pressured into making these decisions. dont get me wrong, theyre good decisions from a business perspective, theyre getting record breaking sales but still. mmm yeah honestly yg just needs to get its shit together or get out

oooh! not into nct but i see a lot of him, he seems rlly talented. ahh yes another channie ult lmaoo i feel that, my list is growing in leaps and bounds as well. mmm yeah i think i will, im just going to try to save enough money :) mingi appealed to me mostly for the voice (like felix smh what is it with me and deep voiced bois) but also his soft visuals and the whole cutesy thing he has going on i rlly liked. yes i did get into them while he was on hiatus, but im still mostly a casual stan, ill listen to the album when it comes out but i dont think ill obsessively look over everything to do with it, like skz. HAH WE'RE MORE SIMILAR THAN I THOUGHT. lmaooo the thot line describes them perfectly, why are they all so damn attractive. especially seonghwa, like that man looks like a character from a book, cardan greenbriar vibes anyone? mmhmm! his vocals are absolutely insane. ty! yeah im excited altho idk how theyre every going to beat border:carnival, that shit was impeccable. ahh no stress, enjoy teh groups you stan atm!

ahh thank you so much, ill keep that in mind. hehe thats good! hopefully its soon :( ah ty, it means a lot. ill think abt that and hopefully talk abt it a little more :)

ah, no it was inside our gymnasium but to get to the other side of the stage you had to exit the building, go around the back and then enter through the other stage door. ah tysm! im glad too. mmm same, they baffle me. ;n; noo so sad :( ahh, thats um not smth i put on here, but im in high school so make of that what you will :)

thank you! ive done a majority of them, i just have maths, an english presentation and an economic assignment due now so im pretty much home free. yeah i feel like hes the epitome of here for you while being inescapably far away. haha she sounds like one of my friends. lmaooo why is that me. hmmm i feel like youve answered a lot of them in that answer so maybe just ateez, enha, txt and bp? if you stan them? :)

ahhh no problem at all, proud of you for managing to overcome the procrastination! progress! mmm thats good! ahh pls do let me know if you ever decide that, i cant promise i wont cry but do what you gotta do :)

<3 w.a. 🐺

hi! sorry for the late reply, i didn't know how to construct sentences yesterday e.e

yeah sometimes it's the perfect balance! i personally don't like fics that focus mainly on the filth? the plot has to carry the whole fic somehow and the smut is just something to add to the mix. also, i'll follow you on your writing blog! i keep forgetting to do so, damn it.

"sometimes putting someone in a situation so horrible it would be considered a violation of human rights is theraputic, ya know?" putting it this way just silenced me but yes. angst just feels more realistic. it isn't always happy endings irl so i tend to do it a lot.

falling into skz is so easy! it felt like that for me too. stanning them felt like getting sucked into a blackhole. also yes i agree. kpop is nothing but an industry after all and it runs on money so i get why they do what they do as well.

i suggest we not talk about haechan because i will literally not shut up but yes my boy is an ace :( chan is also sooooo easy to love. and the chan's rooms just solidified his place as ult. having something to look forward to every week at a time when my mental health was just plummeting into the depths of tartarus just helped me be stable. oh yeah, mingi's deep voice is indeed sexc. and he has some wack ass duality as well! and i think seonghwa was one of the people i nearly considered as bias just because of his visuals because wow that's one beautiful face. and true, idk how enha's going to beat border:carnival. i don't like all the tracks simply bc of taste preferenceds but i like more than one so i consider that a lot already.

bro that gym should've had some sort of a covered walk :// also i miss being in high school sO DAMN MUCH. but i still feel like i am because time stopped when quarantine started and i was still in senior year at the time.

my ateez bias is wooyoung! it wasn't that much of a shocker to my kpop stan irls because i was a jimin stan for the longest time. enhypen is jake and they kept pointing out that he looked like seungmin sometimes so it's like chan's aussie-ness with a tinge of seungmin (the other guy in my skz bias line, in case i haven't mentioned it). txt is huening kai! i find it hard to believe that he's my age because he looks a lot younger? o.O and he always looks good damn :(( sigh for blackpink it's lisa! i tend to bias the maknaes of yg groups, it's a pattern i've noticed but don't intentionally do!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TEARS OMFG. you can always reach me elsewhere if i like disappear off this blog.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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flowerslightning · 4 years

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The OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in FF7

This thing actually caught my eyes while reading a few theory about FF7R and the word OCD appear in their certain analysis, in IG, youtube comments and some posts in tumblr too. Dunno why but they always relate Biggs with OCD. I looked back to the scenes where Biggs appear and... Okay, i understand why they thinj Biggs has OCD or perfectionist

A lot of people, including the psych students themselves easily confused with OCD and perfectionist (I got confused by it quite often too). Now, is Biggs OCD or is he just a perfectionist? Let's take a deeper look at it

Biggs is not a famous character. So fans dont really care about him, but I do

Disclaimer : i'm not a psychologist. Im an intern and still studying. Psychiatric is not my major field but i got assigned there as an intern for quite a time and we got exposed a lot about psychology too. We didnt learn them professionally like the real psyche students, we learned (and still under training) through real life experience + a little bit from the books.

So there might be wrong interpretation here and there. Pls correct me if I'm misleading u. And pardon my english. Pls dont use any of these terms to diagnose urself. Remember, I'm a student, not a professional.

I kins of blame the social media for portraying OCD in such a nasty way, when someone with OCD is actually suffering inside.

OCD is not just about 'clean clean, must clean this place till squeaky clean' and OCD is not about being perfectionist. OCD and perfectionist are two different thing.

Perfectionist is more to a demand demeanour, eg "I want the cake to be like this. I want it to be pink. No, not that pink, it must be neon pink with slight purple. Do it again. No, i dont want that pink. Do it again. Ahhh yess, nice pink." Someone with perfectionist, after they got their result, they will immediately bcome calm and satisfied. Perfectionist is obviously different from OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder). OCPD falls under Personality Disorder and it is different from OCD. Im not going to talk about that

Credit goes to crazyheadcomics.

Look at how OCD got spoken from the media perspective. It is very much resemble to Biggs, dont u think? In reality, someone with OCD always feel stress about everything around them, and they will find it hard to complete their task.

OCD has two components - Obsessive and Compulsive

| 1. Obsessive. It is a repeating thoughts about something and often occur until it makes someone feel stress about it. Eg, u think that ur hand will get bacteria infection if u touch a chair, door, fridge or when holding someone's hand. This thought always appear in ur mind everytime u touch the door, chair, fridge or somebody's hand, but when u touch ur shoes, u never think about the bacteria (in certain cases, some patients become scare of everything they touch)

| 2. Compulsive. It is a repeating of the same actions to fulfill the 'obsession' in order to reduce the stress acted upon them. Usually the 'action' has a specific ways in which the patient believe he has to do it like this or that way or else he will fail. Eg, after touching the chair, he will immediately wash his hand 10x from left to right. He believes the hand washing wont be effective if he starts from right to left

Another sign of OCD is when someone re-checking the door lock few times. Its normal for us to re-check once/twice the door lock for confirmation, but for people with OCD, they will re-check the door lock for about 6-10 times and still not feel satisfied and later they stress out. And also the OCD people, they tend to get annoyed when something is not in particular order and they will immediately fix it eventhough they know they're wrong.

I met a funny woman at the hosp arranging our students' books according to its thickness, when I asked her why did she arranged our books like that,

She replied : "Doctor said I have CDO"

Me : "Sorry, CDO? Never heard of it"

She : "It is actually OCD but I feel so stress hearing that term so I put it in alphabetical order. CDO, much better"

We both had a good laugh. Her case was not serious though, but she was feeling miserable with her thoughts and decided to meet a psychiatrist. I would say she was still in early stage for someone with OCD, but may lead to severe if left untreated

It is really hard to satisfy and convince someone with OCD and they always feel stress about something they shouldnt care too much about. U can say OCD is a fastidious type, and they're actually more than that

If we want to relate this condition with Bigg's case., urmm. The only time where I can spot him being different than the other characters is when he's busy sweeping his front house and when he pat Cloud's head during the Sector 7 plate fall.

The cleaning stuff isnt exactly weird thing for a human to do. But it is something odd, I mean, he just finished his mission with Jessie and survived a jump from the plate, and yet he still have the energy to sweep dry leaves, AT NIGHT! He can wait till tomorrow though and should get himself a proper rest.

Wedge says Biggs has a habit of overthinking stuff

And there we see Biggs sweeping the dry leaves. It might be because he is trying to distract himself from doing his bad habit - overthinking. But urm , i think there'll be higher chance for someone to overthink when doing house chore like Biggs is doing. This is where lots of people say Biggs cleaning the house at night is bcause he has OCD or he's a perfectionist.

But I dont think thats the case. For real, he is completely normal. No sign of him acting weird in that scene. If he really does have OCD or he's a perfectionist, we'll see more of him arguing with Barret about unnecessary stuff. He cant become one of Avalanche's strongest member (not exactly strong, but hey, he's trustworthy). Also, if u notice, Biggs have one earring on his right ear. Someone with OCD will feel irritated by it bcause his ear doesnt look 'balance'. OCD people, even in mild case, they want everything about them to be balance and in good order.

After trying to understand Biggs way of thinking and style through his short screentime, I strongly believe this guy has no such thing as OCD or being a perfectionist. Biggs just cares tooooo much about his friends, he thinks 10 times ahead from the bigger picture in which it frightens him about the bad consequences that will occur to people he cherish.

He is the type that always have a back up plan in his mind. He thinks of 5 possible bad things and comes out with 10 solutions. That's the power of an overthinker like Biggs I'll tell ya

Biggs probably cleaning his front house area at night bcause the next early morning, he will need to leave his house for the bombing mission. Better take care of things the night before the big day. He can ditch the cleaning work but he wont do it, not bcause he's a perfectionist/OCD, but try to imagine this, if ur front house is full with dry leaves and rubbish, it will be unpleasant for the neighbours next to ur house to see. Living in the slum means higher chance for u to get sick if u dont take care of ur surrounding hygiene. Biggs is a kind man, and I believe he doesnt want to upset his neighbours

He probably has overthink this matter like "If i dont do this now, I probably dont have time for doing it tomorrow. Maybe I'll broke my leg from the mission and this trash will be left untouched, then there'll be high chance for the children around here to get sick. What if they get infectious disease bcause of this dry leaves? And then the parents will be worried and the Sector 7 Slum will be in chaos etc etc. Time for plan A. Let's clean this place"

Besides, remember the post where I mentioned about Mental Health First Aid? Biggs, as the side character gives the best MFA to Cloud even without knowing what Cloud had gone through. Biggs is just toooo kind with his friends, he cares too much causing him to overthinks about his friends conditions. He can notice even the slightest change in his friend's behaviour and with his own instinct, he cheers for them

Aww man, how can u not love his personality? He's the sweetest side character ever (and kinda hot too).

Soo as the conclusion for my post here, Biggs does not have OCD. He's a side character with a big heart who cares tooooooo deeply about his friends that leads him to overthink too much.

However, if the devs say Biggs really has OCD then my statement about him will be invalid. I'm sure they have put everything in a very close detail look.

Btw, I personally think Biggs kind of portrays the other small side of Cloud, the overthinking part for their romantic partner. But Biggs express his worry through words while Cloud express it through his actions, eg - like how he always keep an eye on Tifa. He never speak it directly like "I'm worry about Tifa, I must help her", he just simply be with her either she needs a help or not. While Biggs clearly says "Jessie been acting weird, I should go if she needs any - help -"

Action speaks louder than words but sometimes our eyes failed to listen.

Alright, that's it. Thanks for being with me till the end.

#final fantasy 7 #final fantasy 7 remake #cloud strife #final fantasy vii #biggs #biggs final fantasy #ffvii biggs #mygif #character analysis

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simptasia · 4 years

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neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

#lost #charthann #missinglost #(i don't wanna lose this so i tagged you guys)#i've made a list like this before but i wanna go into detail #and before i knew it i made an incredible essay #lost headcanons #most of this is based on canon but as i said there is extrapolation at play #and i mention some headcanons along the way when i felt it was needed #gosh this became a whole Thing #i hope y'all enjoy it!#and this isn't counting ppl i headcanon as ND #like jack being autistic or charlie having HPD #i could go into that too

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tactyl-ymon · 3 years

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DnD session recap - Acceptance and Agony

So we left off after a very emotional moment between Sutha and Eridol where she realised he couldn't be what she needed at the moment and then Veiraen hugged Eridol and Eridol hugged him back for the first time since they’ve known each other

After some light preparations, the group sets off with Eridol's cleric mentor Bradul and they're still very busted carriage towards the holy city of Varildesh, with the carriage all busted it'll take about 4-5 days travel with a quick stop over in a nearby town

The first few hours go smoothly despite everyone being on guard the whole time and them all slam dunking Eridol into the cushions in the back because tiny baby man's been through a lot and he needs a nap. After sunset, he's joined in the back by Septima, Donnatello our new barbarian and Whisky

Not wanting to be rude, Eridol starts a conversation with Whisky in gnomish because he knows she speaks it, he tiredly asks what actually happened with Sutha and after several half truths and abysmal deception checks he realises Donnatello also speaks gnomish and Septima cast comprehend languages so now everyone can hear what's going on. someone just says "Well why don't you just message Sutha if you trust her so much"

And he does.

“Sutha, you said you nearly killed my ... companions, I need to know what happened. They're being obtuse.” And after several tense minutes, the magic flares to life and in him mind he hears “They questioned whether or not I would want you to come back for me. They refused to leave me be after 2 warnings. I'm sorry”

so Eridol rightfully furious that they'd say that but also understanding that he was still technically in the wrong for leaving decides to drop the subject. Septima had goodish intentions despite his complete lack of social awareness and Whisky straight up thought she was asking a friendly question because she believes that everyone wants to be her friend all the time

So he moves on and asks whisky about how he noticed she seemed a bit distracted during their last fight with the hydras and she didn't seem to want to go near the water, she mentions a very bad history with water and asks if Eridol remembers the last time they were in the water and because he was very drunk and just got a lifetime of trauma back absolutely doesn't remember

She mentions being on the beach after the dragon fight and having to swim back and her nearly drowning and Eridol saving her. Eridol feels very bad about nearly letting her drown and begins rummaging through his bag for some potions of waterbreathing he's got and gives them to her. All in all a very nice moment between them

It's just then that everyone can begin this very faint buzz in the air, slowly getting closer and closer along with the sound of old rusted carriage wheels, the buzzing whine getting louder and louder every second until it's deafening and not wanting to get caught in whatever this is unaware, Eridol orders everyone out of the cart as a precaution. In their haste, everyone fails dex checks and tumbles into SWARMS OF BEES

like tens of thousands of bees

we see a small procession of carts coming our way, each with several old timey bee keepers and many a swarm

Eridol having a general dislike of bees and knowing that he just got stung a good 70 times in an instant decides thats enough of that and moves off to the side of the road and casts spirit guardians so it'll encompase our cart and horses and still leave enough room for the carts to get by

Weirdly the beekeepers are not exactly happy about Eridol killing thousands upon thousands of bees and begin shouting at him to turn whatever this is off, he refuses because one round in that took of a third of his health and he has people to protect. It's on the third cart that one of them pipes up and politely asks if he can remove the spell, he politely declines because his people are a priority for him and he does apologise. Suddenly the beekeeper casts a spell and everyone gets encompassed in a tight dome of earth and rock.

Eridol drops the spell because hey safety is safety and he isn't cruel

A good 10 minutes later the spell drops and everyone gets back on their way, slightly swollen and pincushiony. a few hours later they see slight firelight up ahead and what sounds like muffled discussions, with Septima's god like perception he can see it's 4 eladrin ladies discussion things and the group all being tired and weary decide to try and see if they could pursuade the eladrin to let them stay at their camp for the night and wanting to make a good first impression decide someone should go talk to them first. But who would be the most innocent and unassuming of them all I wonder?

Eridol gets yeeted out of the cart with veiraen being shadow backup in the woods in case anything happens and Eridol begins walking slowly and unarmedly up the road towards them. Casting light on himself so they can definitely see him coming. After a ... rocky introduction where one of them got spooked and accidentally shot their crossbow at the tiny man. Septima and Whisky do a septima and whisky and begin yelling innapropriate questions from the darkness, with Whisky asking what booze they have and Septima just answering their questions because the man has observant and is a terrible person

Then after confirming that we mean them no harm and could help with securing the camp because of our numbers We get given the ok to come forward and Veiraen just skulks out of the bush behind them which gets Eridol nearly shot again

The eladrin introduce themselves as Summer, Spring, WInter and Fall and say they often travel to the material plane to discuss which season is best and ask the group their opinions. Septima says spring because nature boy go woo, Whisky says winter because she loves just stretching out in front of a cozy fire on cold nights, Eridol says summer because Falthresh being entirely a western hemisphere country tends to have wonderful sunsets and Veiraen was too busy looking for trinkets to answer

Most of the group goes off with the eladrin to drink and swap stories and be merry with Eridol and Septima taking watches in the camp itself and the surrounding forest.

After Eridols shift, nobody really comes to relieve him and he basically just nods off from exhaustion and then the dream happens

Eridol finds himself alone in a grey foggy void, the faint whislte of wind the only thing outside of his breathing and the blood thrumming in his ears. Armor and weapons as new as the day he got them and he begins to feel a burning on his right side, as blindingly painful as when the brand was first applied and tar like ooze begins cascading out of his side. Every beat of his heart causing more and more to flow out into the void

As Eridol is left close to vomiting and doubled over the goo begins to take form and Eridol begins to fear the worst that this is Bane himself and Eridol will never see his friends again

The goo crawls up itself into an imperfect mirror of the gnome, with crazed anger filled eyes and clawed hands balled into fists but otherwise it mirrored every twitch and heave of breath and I have to roll initiative to fight myself

Eridol's first thought is of course violence and both Eridol and Miradol cast spirit guardians at the same time as they rush into melee, each taking blow after shattering blow and Eridol coming out slightly worse each time.

Then he tries to get rid of it, both casting Banishment on their worse half. Then he tries to cast silence on it, his mirror self doing the same and in the silence they each drop their hammers and continue trading blows, Eridol swaying and practically dead on his feet as the pantomime boxers become more and more exhausted.

Eridol stops and breathes. dropping silence and trying to open up his connection to tyr, casting channel divinity, not to fight, not to win, but just to forgive, to understand and to find balance and Tyr responds, not a booming voice or a solitary judgmental eye but a feeling like a calming whisper and Eridol looks at his counterpart, nearly as dead as he is, but still standing defiantly almost goading him into another attack

Eridol breathes and casts healing word on his other self and begins apologising to the embodiment of all his negative emotions. “I have hurt so many people trying to deny what you represent, I let this fester and rot and I can’t let that happen anymore. I have so much to rightly be angry over, but anger alone isn’t what needs to happen anymore. So, together then, hopefully in balance, to serve Tyr and protect those who need it" and it fades away. Eridol is left in the empty expanse. A single blue light flickering in the distance like the first rays of dawn as it grows warmer and brighter until it is almost blinding and Eridol accepts it

He wakes up before dawn, to a very worried Veiraen holding a damp cloth to his forehead, pain everywhere and a small lightness in his chest that wasn't there previously. Like it's almost slightly easier to breathe all of a sudden. He asks Veiraen if he can help him get out of his armor and he checks the brand on his side, still there as it always was unfortunately.

He gets his armor back on and a vaguely worried Whisky comes up and hugs Eridol and after a second, he shrugs and hugs her back. Whispering "Nobody will believe you if you tell them I did this"

Unfortunately, Septima sees all and Eridol forgot how quick whisky can be so she locked him in the hug, shouting to get everyones attention and not letting go until everybody mentions that yes they see Eridol hugging her back and we ended the session

#dnd #DnD Recap #Tactyl Ymon

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badbitchwhomeditates · 3 years

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Who the fuck is this bitch?!

Read that again.

The answer is complex, not simple, which is what complex means you dumb fuck ( beep language kiddo). Ok, lets try that again...

Bad Bitch Who Meditates, a 23 year old singer with dreams bigger than the world itself, which is both a good and a bad thing, we will get to the importance of duality later. Either way she´s been struck by lightning and pushed into a corner loads of times in an industry where you have to fight to be heard and seen through the smallest of cracks. And yes I might also speak about myself in third person a lot, simply because I'm practicing being the main character from all perspectives, telling my story but also making everyday feel like an adventurous movie ( therefore the narrator vibes help).

Complaining, complaning, victim mindset bla bla bla you might think, im not gonna bore you, you know that things can be quite shit and you’ve probably heard about the `struggling artist” and all of that before.

Lets spread some more negativity shall we ey?

Maybe not that either, im just welcoming you in to my brain and my stream of consciousness on the journey of becoming or remaining? we shall see.

Im not gonna be here being all fairy lights and glitter in my eyes either, I am tho some days, but lately I’ve been bad, not a bitch cause I would never, slightly a bitch towards myself and I haven’t really done my meditation, its like the second I put down ” bad bitch who meditates, thats my slogan” in a song, I was like, cool its in a tune now so I’ve done the work I can relax.

Nope, it doesn’t stop.

Consistency in self care, healthy habits and your mental diet, the way you speak to yourself, it doesn’t stop. And its fkn annoying sometimes, especially when your chemical imbalance is so imbalanced that you don’t wanna get out of bed. Ive probably dealed with anxiety and depression since my debut on X-factor, oh yeah shit sorry, I have a name too, Im Awa and I won X-factor Sweden at 15 years old, completely changed my life like a marriage, for better or for worse. In that marriage I found myself, lost myself and now im kind of finding myself again...

Ok this is the part below where you get to knoooow me or something...

I guess why I wanted to start blogging again is A) I need to hold myself accountable to remain consistent with my glow up, cause I can proudly say I’ve really done some amazing progress and inner work B) I need to continue doing that and find my healthy balance and not put too much pressure on myself, ya get me? C) maybe help take away the stigma regarding mental health, and I wanna focus on the solutions, thats my whole new life concept 10 % problems, 90 % solutions, like if we are discussing something thats the ratio. Cause how can we ever see a solution if we go slow dancing w the problem for ages?

I know it can feel fkn amazing and cozy, like when you’ve been in bed w someone thats clearly not good for your heartstrings but you stay there anyway because for right now it feels all warm and fuzzy.

Oh silly girl, I mean forgiveness, forgiving other people and forgiving myself that is def something we are going to have to discuss as well, its one of the things I’ve tried to commit to this year. Ive come to the conclusion that its harder forgiving yourself after being too nice, theres only so much space on the scale for resentment, but you go to bed with you all the time and you beat yourself up on why you allowed that to happen? (Did that make any sense??)

Again, another lesson, feedback that we can grow from. Mind management, one of my fav terms, mind over matter. Damn sure that can feel extremely provocative said in the wrong situation. Im gonna be honest on here, ill make an oath or whatever its called ( oh yeah im also Swedish so we will have communication problems here and there, but whatever, I call that acceptance) ill be honest, personal but not private cause I need to protect my energy.

I would declare myself a self care queen but babe writing this, I just had a massive argument w my friend, that made me sad ( oh im a cry baby too, thats even the title of my EP lol), I hate conflict but im really trying so hard to stand up for myself and understand that my feelings are valid too and that uncomfortable situations are growing pains for our souls. I had my first panic attack in ages because this year is just shit and things that I’ve worked on for so long just crumbled down in front of me and I just felt like I was again taking two steps forward and one step back but at least we are moving.

Im not all sad, I’ve rightfully so have had a few bad 72 hours I would say, I don’t like this time of the year that much. But I know why, because I've been slacking w my routines, the ones we´ve carefully selected through trial and error inna real life and w my therapist ( she's real too but you get what im sayin) , it's ok not to be ok either but we have to put some kind of time limit on it so we don't sink into that deep hole again, i don't wanna go back there and I know what keeps me with my head above water and sometimes even frkn flying. We wanna stay consistent w the flying, that feels good, that's a goal now ok? Cause I used to fall into that trap of the deep hole until the pain of the known got far greater than the fear of the unknown.

Im happy we are here today, because as I said 10/90, nothing last forever, good or bad, which is comforting. Things will get better and we hold so much more power in our minds and souls than we realize that ultimately will mirror how we experience life. So im going to be on here, at least once a week, my therapist tells me not to set up crazy goals that I know I might not do because then it will make me feel shit etc so once a week feels reasonable.

Im open to suggestions about what we can chat about, ill share my 10/90, I want my clever friends to maybe drop a quote or blog here and there, Im good on camera, like vlogs or some shit. I probably wont bring you around all the time cause I don’t have the technological brain cells for that to be very honest with you. Maybe ill just come up with cute formats to the camera, thats a word you are going to hear a lot, ”format”, I have a concierge business w my friend Amy on the side of my music career called ” Pure Intuition”, basically we create events, formats and campaigns for brands and make them come true with the right profile etc and we create FORMATS, but if you missed it or if I was unclear Im a super cool singer signed to Columbia UK which was my childhood dream, so we are going to make Columbia our BITCH in 2021 hihi <3 <3. I studied economic entrepreneurship in college and im very business savvy, I love creating formats lol. Im slowly but surely building my fempire. What else, boys, I like boys, men, cute ” god spent some extra time on you”- looking boys, I mean men. I guess we will touch on that in the most anonymous manner, maybe ill just share some past flings cause you know, they’re in the past, passé. So yeah who the fuck is this bitch? you will find out alongside me, myself and I

get ready for the ride

love and light,

badbitchwhomeditates

#badbitch #spiritual development #self improvement #selfcare #main character #music #singer #aestheitcs

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queerlyhalloween · 3 years

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Not to sound like the joker™️ but i hate western society. I know that hair and clothes aren't gendered, so do most of my mates, ive been working hard at unlearning the internalized transphobia that's just a part of being trans in the UK and actually ALLOWING myself to think about going on hormones and dressing in ways other than "ambigious as possible" despite the fact im non-binary

i grew myself a little mullet because ive not been working in the pub and wanted solid snake hair, ive allowed myself to look at my face and the long hair around it and not despair because i know that longer hair doesn't make me a woman, but the moment you go into a shop, or get takeaway or pass by people in the street its all "move out the way of this lady!" and "thank you, ma'am"

i dont want the gender option of 'other' on my ID i want to know 1 good reason why gender should be listed on an ID in the 1st place

ive just come back from the range and i had my hair up like some e-thot fuckboy, i had to go BACK to the range because they got my click and collect order wrong so ive got two members of staff looking over my order, im dressed in black jeans and a black masc-looking ripped shirt, mask covering half my face and as the manager's showing the kid who served me the receipt they go "oh I served that guy earlier" and the manager corrects them "its a lady". I say "im niether" and they both just stare at me like im a toddler. Im already panicking because the air feels the same way it did when some cunt came after me in the pub toliets. "dont worry about it :)" i say, they both turn back to the tills and completely ignore me.

Anyway, micro-aggressions, ive experienced a lot of them for many reasons over the course of my life and today ive decided to snap.

Not at the people in the range like, just in general.

I will never pass. That's just an element of trans euphoria i will never get to experience. Not right off the bat, anyway. Not where i live, and most likely not in my lifetime. Maybe for kids in LA or Brighton, and hey power to you guys man im happy for you, but people assume or guess m/f when they look at me and they will never get it right.

So when i see people on this site try and twitter etc rank "who's the most oppressed"™️ like a godamn smash bros tier list it blows my mind because of all the things you could spend your days doing thats what youre expending energy on?!

You could be the exact same age, race, sex, gender, sexuality, you could have the exact same disabilities, mental health conditions and money in your bank as another person on this site and you'd still never understand what they've been through. Our experiences, our families, our morals and lives are always gonna be different and the moment you try to write definitive rules on whose got it worse you've already lost and you're already wrong. Oppressed classes are not a fucking hivemind and pretending they are is only going to cause you more problems. I get the strong sense that some of you looked at the word intersectionality, went "ah yeah, i know what that means" having never read up on the matter, then proceeded to play the pain olympics.

And its creating a culture where kids feel the need to spills their souls online to justify living their lives!

You've not listed your disabilites in your bio so you're able-bodied. You're Irish but haven't listed your race so you're white. You're cis man so you've never played with gender and suffered as a result. You're asexual so clearly you're a cringeworthy baby who's never experienced a wrong-doing in their life.

The reverse is true too, if you list every aspect of yourself then you're automatically honest. The more opressed you are the less likely you are of causing harm to others. Psht, don't have a carrd in this day and age? What are you, a fraud? cishet white man playing make believe? Post a selfie or face the wrath of ozymandaus. What's privacy? It takes me 3 minutes to read the bio on this discourse side-blog so clearly they're an angel.

my mam abused me for years, she did the same to my brother when i left home at 18 and my dad drank himself to death. My nan, his mother, never believed me because my mam's a disabled woman with a lot of trauma, and at 14 how do you explain to the woman who takes you to the beach that it's WORSE because as she's beckoning you to the side of her bed so she can scream point blank in your face, or hit you, you're never truely sure, you're thinking about running away because of course she physically can't chase you but she can throw. And then where would you go if you did buggar off?

"You have to sleep sometimes" she used to say to me when I'd piss her off. Other days she told me horror stories about kids in care, and disabled people having their kids taken away, made me promise that I'd always love her and always be her baby, and I'd do that for her because she's my mam, she'd be satisfied then ignore me for a while. I grew up thinking that was entirely normal until i'd tell funny family stories at school and nobody would laugh. The closest I got to truely running away was when I changed my name and pronouns and her rejection, turned to vitriol one night and I so, so, nearly held a knife to my throat and simply fell forwards in the uni showers. Obviously I didn't do that.

But she's had a shitter life than me thus far so she's in the right, as the online black/white dichotomy states. I keep her at arm's length but I'm unable to cut her away without losing the rest of my family because I dared defy the role of eldest child and care for her as I've done my whole life, as is expected.

we need to take things on a case by case basis, and learn when stuff is none of our business.

"Hey! :) I see you've reclaimed (X) slur, without submitting the proper paperwork. Real quick tell me every trauma you've ever experienced or I'll write a callout post :) delete this anonymous message (as is your right) and i'll assume you as sus ❤"

you can only call yourself a dyke if on your 13th birthday, the moon's tender rays struck you through your bedroom window and gave you your first wet dream about girls.

Great, cool. I have no interest in calling myself a dyke, i cant call myself a lesbian because it makes me dysphoric, thats why im queer, but i can assure you that when 3 kids from catholic school pinned me under the bridge and threatened to cut me open for being a "dirty dyke tramp" they didn't play 20Qs with me first to check that i was actually a lesbian.

if your first thought is "well thats just misdirected homophobia, so youre not ACTUALLY a victim" log the fuck off and consider what's wrong with you. Because all our oppressors care about is sniffing out the wrong on you and beating it out, they dont care what breed of wrong it is.

so you're going to spend your day, the enlightened adult that you are, frothing at the mouth because some 15yr old dared call themselves butch despite them being OnLY a BiSexUAl? You're gonna say that trans woman deserves to be suicidal because yes she may be trans BUT she's from the UK, so clearly she loves her horrid country and government. You're gonna say that black lad deserves racial abuse because he's trying to focus on his studies rather than go to protests. That 19yr old who's living in poverty deserves it because they work for Amazon. Texans deserve to freeze to death because there are republicans in Texas.

You're going to harass a complete stranger coming to terms with the parts of themselves society has taught them are worthless at best because they're not doing it the way YOU think is right.

This post has not ended where I started it but I really dont care:

Some of you are so fucking desperate to be the bullies you never got to be in secondary school and it shows. But you're cowards. You can't just admit you want to divide and concur so you do it in a new woke way and when your time on this earth is done, you'll have commited the same pain that's been dealt to you and wonder why you died miserable in a world thats more or less the same.

okay to reblog but dont @ me for a debate because i have, like, real problems and will just block you

#tw suicide mention #child abuse #homophobia #transphobia #ablesim #racism #*muffled screaming*#im shit at tagging sorry if i missed anything but im out i think

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whataboutsteffanfics · 3 years

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Trails of fire - Chapter 1

8 years prior

Zendaya and Chris are at the Beach, And are having a walk by the water.

"I'm so happy that we're getting married" she said

"Me too but I want to promise you something'

The stop walking and look each other in the eye.

"I promise to always love you, I promise to always be there for you, I promise to support you and to always make you happy"

"i promise the same thing, I love you"

"I love you too" he screamed, he then picked her up and started to twirl her around

------------------------------------------------------- 8 years prior - wedding day (vows)

"Chris would you like to say your vows" the priest asked

""As we start our married life together today, I make these promises before our families and friends:

I will continually challenge myself to become the best husband I can be; always looking to put you before myself and making your dreams our dreams.

I will love you; I will adore you; I will cherish you; I will be faithful to you.

I will be thoughtful and mindful in the way I act around other people, whether we are together or apart. I will always seek to give you no reason to be jealous over another person. music has always been a big part of our life and You will always be the greatest song I could and would ever sing.

I will trust you in all things, never doubting you, or looking for reassurance of things you have already promised me.

I will help you discover your full potential, pushing you to become the best you can be, to support and ensure your hopes and dreams come to fruition.

I will stand by your side in all things, the highs and the lows, always finding agreement in everything that we do as husband and wife.

I will keep God at the centre of our relationship and love you as Christ loves the Church." Chris said and wiped away her tears

"Zendaya would you like to say your vows?"

""I promise to be your faithful wife. I promise to love you when the sun shines, when the rain falls, in sickness, and in health. When you look at this ring, think of me and remember that I love you always."

"I promise to be the woman that I see now in your eyes, today, tomorrow, and for always."

"What is a wife? I must admit, I'm not sure. All I know is that I am devoted to you completely and am made a better person because of your love. wife then is a thing that a good marriage makes, molds, and creates whole. If that is what a husband/wife means, then I am prepared to be yours."

"I vow to always protect you from harm, to stand with you against your troubles, and look to you when I need protection."

"I take thee to be my wife and promise to look into your eyes just like I do now, with love and soulful amazement. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I promise to try to be worthy of your love in every way, to climb mountains, and swim oceans just to be by your side. I will be honest, caring, patient and forgiving, and I will always be a loyal wife."

"You fill my life with meaning. Thank you for taking me as I am, loving me, and welcoming me into your heart. I promise to always love you, respect you, and to be faithful to you forever."

------------------------------------------------------- present

"Chris you can't just leave like that" she yelled

" Daya i gotta go to this import meeting I will be back in 2 hours"

"no Chris I already told how busy I am gonna be, I literally have to leave in 15 min" she pointed out to him while following him to the door

"can't you call your mom, my mom or one of your sisters to watch the kids" he said while looking for his car keys

"no i cant they were all gonna be busy thats why I ask-"

"I'm sorry Zendaya but I really have to go now" he finally found his key and walked out the door

"arrrghhhh" she yelled angry

"mommy are you okay" het 4 year old asked worried

"mom is fine why don't you go watch tv"

"okay mommy"

Zendaya went to the kitchen and picked up her phone and try to contact her dad but it went straight to voicemail

she didn't have a any other option and called everything off, she then went upstairs to change in her comfy clothes

before going downstairs she came across a picture of their wedding day

"is this really my life right now" she whispered to herself, she shook her head and went to the kitchen to make the kids some lunch

Pov Chris

I just finished my 4 hour meeting and now I got a call that I had to be in the studio to record a song.

"ay Chris good you came man" his producer said

"we gonna record something new?"

"no we gotta change a couple of sounds for this song on your album"

"alright man"

Chris went to the booth and put his headphones one and started to sing

"Whine up pon it to the rhythm (rhythm) Come a little closer, why you distant? (why you distant) All over my body, feel the friction (friction) Yeah, baby, it's me that's in your system (system) Kill it, girl, your body lookin' vicious (vicious) Meditating on you like a scripture (a scripture) Ain't at church but she pull up in them Christians Long time, I go love you like it's vintage

Go forward, go back and forward, oh Enjoy it, just pick your poison, oh, ooh Go slower, go fast, go slower and around and around Go back and forward, ooh Rock your body, your body, your body, ooh Rock your body, your body, your body, ooh (your body, your body, your body) Rock your body, oh gimme what you got, I'm holding on, oh Rock your body every night

Why you always lookin' at the time though? (Time though) Baby, when you dance on me time slows (time slows) Murder everyting at the nitro (nitro) Take you back to my space like a typo (typo) Tell me how to reach like a high note (high note, oh yeah) Skin tight, never need lipo (lipo) I can see us with my eyes closed (eyes closed) Pull it to side like vibo (vibo)

after he sang for a couple of hours he looked at the time and saw it was past 12 pm

"ay man we done? I gotta go home"

"yup we done we got it"

he picked his stuff, said his goodbye to everybody and drove home

--------------------------- its 9 pm now and chris is still not back from his so called meeting. so her cousin came to check on her after work

"you want some wine" Daya asked

"yes please"

she poured the 2 of them some wine and sat down on the coach

"tell me why are you so upset, what wrong with you and Chris" her cousin asked

Daya took a long sip before she answered her question

"it has been a lot, and I don't feel happy right now in my marriage... we have been fighting like crazy, he always at work and comes home late and his excuse is that he was at a meeting. he always leave me with the kids like I had a couple of important meetings today and I had to cancel my whole entire day because he had to leave. so much has been going on I bet he doesn't even realize that I'm not happy."

"wow i didint even know that has been going on, have you tried counseling or just talking it out with each other"

"we don't even talk like that anymore, I don't understand what happened to us, one moment we was happy and the next thing I know all we do is fight" she said as she started to cry

her cousin placed her glass on the table and went to give her a hug

"listen, yall need to talk to each other and tell each other what y'all need and figure out where it went wrong in y'all marriage. you both can't continue to do this to each other and remember they kids need both sets of parent that love each other. do you still love him?"

"I do....without a doubt but he is just not making me happy right now"

"well then focus on the that, that you love him and when you do talk tell him what you need from him and you both should fix whatever is going on in y'all marriage that isn't healthy for you, him and the kids"

"okay i will" she said and took a deep breath

a couple of hours later her cousin left, so she started to clean up a bit so she could go to bed.

while she walked to the steps she saw the piano and decided to play a song that come in to her mind

"Where did we go wrong?

Is it all my fault? Where did we go wrong? Is it all my fault?

From the very start I was so into you Ooh from the beginning I was so so feeling you But you thought I cheated, that I played around on you But didn't you do the same, didn't you, didn't you?

Where did we go wrong? Is it all my fault? Where did we go wrong? Is it all my fault?

I wish I would've listened I wish I would've heard

Ooh I wish I would've touched you baby I wish I would've said the words That I love you, I love you I love you I love you, I love you"

"that was beautiful" he said

"how long have you been standing there"

"when you started to sing"

he walked to the piano and sat next to her

"I'm sorry I'm late I-"

"was at the studio.. mhh hum I know" she said dry looking at him

"baby what wrong" he said while trying to touch her shoulder

"really Chris don't baby me, you really don't know whats wrong" she looked at him like he was dumb

"no"

"wow Chris..you know what don't even bother im going to bed" she stood up from the stool and walked up the stairs

he watched her walk up the steps and then looked at the picture on the piano

"what happened to us" he whispered to himself

#zendaya #fanfics #book1

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kevkesblog · 4 years

Text

Translation Throwback Series (Part XII): Julian Brandt Interview with DW “Facebook is not my thing” (March 3, 2017)

You can read „Julian Brandt is hunted by everyone“ all the time. Do you notice it? What do you think about it?

Ju: I don’t search for something like this by myself, but I have alot of football-crazy fans sending me screenshots from newspaper articles or stuff like that. I notice it and I take it as recognition – but that’s all.

You are considered one of the greatest offensive talents in the Bundesliga. Where do you see your strengths?

Ju: I don't really like talking about my strengths. I prefer to talk about my weaknesses. Whenever I talk about my strengths, I feel like I'm raving about myself and I don't feel so comfortable in that role. I think I'm a pretty solid sprinter for my size. I also feel relatively safe in ball handling. And there are definitely one or two more things that work quite well for me.

And your weaknesses?

Ju: I am not the greatest ball conqueror. I don't win many duels per game. Of course I do my best, but it has never really been my strength. I would also like to score goals with my head more often. And my goal for the season is to shoot at the goal more often. This is really difficult at the moment because I always have other things on my mind – like I want to dribble again or want to pass again. This is a shortcoming at the moment, and I definitely have to change that.

One of your strengths is one-on-one. Do you visualize such situations before the game and decide how you want to solve them on the pitch?

Ju: No not at all. I'm actually always very relaxed before the game, so everything that happens, just happens. I'm also not a guy who has rituals before the game, like a guy who sits down in a room and closes his eyes for two minutes. I don't need that at all. I just go on pitch and when the referee blows his whistle, it starts.

Are there special speeches that coaches do before a game – even at the national team? Apart from tactical stuff?

Ju: No, and I also believe that the coaches know that they don't have to say anything special to me. You don't have to talk to me that much. You just have to let me do stuff, and then it will fit. I am simple. I don't need a lot of words, just tranquility.

Tranquility is important to you. Is this the reason why you don’t have a Facebook page?

Ju: Facebook is not really my thing. I try to stay away from social media. You post something, do some competitions. That's not me. It’s why I haven’t used it until today. I know you may have to rely on it at some point, because of course Facebook has a very wide reach and can also have certain advantages, but so far I have never craved for a Facebook page. Of course there are many people who say it would be smart to have one. I don't have a desire for it yet. Then you could start with Twitter right away, have a Google+ account, your own website. I don't know, I guess it will be a lot at some point.

Did your father advise you against this?

Ju: My father always says: "The more you publicly reveal about yourself, the more you open yourself up for people to attack you. It is better to play well on the pitch and to restrain yourself because my private life is nobody else's business." And I think he's right. I don't like to call my father my advisor, but my main person of contact. He gives me his opinion, and in the end I decide for myself.

What is the most important thing you learned from him?

Ju: Being down-to-earth. When you live the life of a professional football play, a lot changes. I went to a football academy at the age of 15 and from then on put my childhood into the back a bit. I had to grow up relatively quick. I am now im in public and I have to value certain things more than others and also act as a role model. Otherwise you move into an area quickly where people label you as arrogant. You should always know where you come from and never let your feet loose ground.

How difficult is it, not to leave ground?

Ju: I think it's not easy, especially when you walk down the street and everyone tells you what a great player and what a great person you are. It's not easy to stay normal because you start to believe these people. It doesn't have to be right what they say. If you have no family or good friends in your back – at the same time when the big money comes, that's not an easy task. Especially if you are a young player. I have the greatest respect for people who manage to stay "normal" anyway. For me, no player is arrogant because he drives a fast car - everyone would do that if he had a lot of money. It's about not bragging about it. For me thats the difference.

Your father once said: "Everything you need in life can be covered with the family." Would you agree with that?

Ju: There are two or three things that matter most, such as family and health. You realize in football how painful it can be to be injured. You sacrifice your body a bit and you realize what good it is, to stay healthy. When I look at the team, they're all pretty big family people. Many now are having children or already have children. That is the most important thing for them, and we often talk about it. Playing football is the greatest thing for any footballer, to win and be in the spotlight. But each of the boys says the most important thing is the family. Many are also so happy when their child is born healthy. This shows that this is what really matter in life.

Back to football: when you see Julian Draxler flourish at PSG and Leroy Sané at Manchester City - do you have to take a step abroad at some point to develop?

Ju: You can do it, but I don't think you have to do it. Julian Draxler and Leroy Sané are the best examples since they are playing great and made it. Hopefully the two will continue like this.

Where do you see your own future?

Ju: At the moment I'm not really thinking about it. At the moment we have a few things to do here in Leverkusen, that’s where our and my full concentration lies. I've been here for almost two and a half years now and I'm really relaxed.

Source: Deutsche Welle

#julianbrandt #julian brandt #bayerleverkusen #bvb #borussiadortmund #bundesliga #german nt #dfb #diemannschaft

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bigskydreaming · 4 years

Note

Im asking this genuinely so pls dont yell at me; when you say that those using trigger warnings dont care about their readers’ mental health and wellbeing, what else are trigger warnings supposed to be for? To make sure people don’t enter fics that have material that would harm them. Just like tv shows that warn about nudity or violence or what have you. Its a rating system, theyre warnings. Tagging for rape or underage ARE the looking-out-for-readers thing. Past that, it is on readers to decide

I try not to yell at anyone engaging in good faith, I know it doesn’t always seem that way, but I would rather be engaged with than ignored...the latter is when my volume goes up, lol.

But in answer to your question, it comes down to the fact that trigger warnings are well established enough in fandom by now, that they exist as a kind of social contract.

In short, its EXPECTED that you provide trigger warnings, and that if you don’t have them, someone will bring that up at some point.

Problem is, this counter-productively works against what trigger warnings are actually FOR.....once we reach a point (which we’ve long since reached)....where a lot of people are only including the trigger warnings because of the social contract that expects them to have them, and not ACTUALLY because they’re prioritizing their readers’ well-being.

Something I see a LOT after trigger warnings is the phrase or sentiment “enter at your own risk”....and the phrasings are so, so key to what I’m talking about.

Take a small sampling and just look for what I’m describing and I’m fairly certain you won’t have to go far to find an example of a fic where the tone of the author is not one of concern for readers, but preemptive concern for potential backlash from readers.

And these are two very different things.

Like, we all know how to read and interpret tone and nuance. Its genuinely not that hard to tell the difference between a sincere expression of wanting readers to be aware of potentially triggering content, and a faux-expression of that when really, the only thing you’re worried about triggering is a negative reception from people, and you want to get ahead of that by making it clear from the get go that hey, you did your job, you warned readers, and thus nobody has any grounds to say anything about your content itself.

Because also too there’s the fact that trigger warnings are inherently fallible. They rely on the author’s own AWARENESS of their content and everything it might include......but a racist author isn’t going to place a trigger warning for using their characters as mouthpieces for even blatant white supremacist ideology.

A genuinely predatory author (and yes, they absolutely do exist, and its willful stubbornness that people rely on to pretend that like, for some bizarre reason, only genuinely predatory people don’t partake in this otherwise global hobby of reading and writing fiction, like what even is that, how do you arrive at that conclusion, that like, actual pedophiles are so busy preying on ‘real life’ teenagers in their zip code 24/7 that they just don’t have TIME to go online and cultivate predatory relationships with real life teenagers via social media? That doesn’t make any sense!)

But anyway, a genuinely predatory author, is absolutely NOT going to tag or place trigger warnings for pedophilia, etc....because they don’t WANT the things they write perceived that way.

People trying to normalize incest are not always going to tag for incest because they want to DISTANCE the cute, sweet dynamic between two ‘only sorta brothers’ as other than the kind of incest that destroys families...regardless of the reality that most cases of incest are the LATTER and its the FORMER that’s so rare it barely exists.

And that sort of thing is how we get terms like dub-con and pseudo-incest and ‘consensual underage sex’ when its describing a relationship between a minor and adult....because this is mitigating, distancing language. Its entire reason for existing is to make unpalatable content seem more palatable.

And especially in Batfandom, we KNOW this.

Because we all, practically universally, give Devin Grayson crap for describing the rape in Nightwing #93 as ‘nonconsensual sex’ and go.....THATS NOT A THING!

And then half of fandom turns around and....acts like that and similar stuff...IS A THING.

That doesn’t work! LOL. It just...doesn’t.

Or another example, because abuse can be just as triggering as rape.....like, for me, personally, I’m a survivor of both, and yes, both CAN be triggering. But not as much as people might think....like, just reading a depiction of these things doesn’t trigger me.

Its, like you were saying at the get go, yes, a matter of surprise.....the kind of thing that CAN be warned for, and prepared for, and its the sheer unexpectedness that’s usually the trigger.

Like.....I went off a few weeks ago about reading a story that was supposed to be about Dick’s brothers learning the truth about what led him to take the Spyral mission and what happened in Forever Evil. That’s what the summary said, that was it, that was the only thing it led me to expect about the story. So understandably, I go into the story expecting it to be sympathetic to Dick. I’m looking for catharsis from it honestly, a salve for the many fics and canon events that blamed and punished him for something I don’t consider his fault, right?

And then towards the end....I get Jason punching Dick again, before hugging him, because that’s just how he reluctantly shows love or whatever.

This genuinely triggered me, yeah. Its why I got so upset about it. Because I was blindsided, I had no way to prepare for it, because I went in expecting catharsis for a story that bothered me due to its victim blaming, and instead I got the author heaping on more of the same abuse we already saw in canon.....with zero awareness that’s what she was doing.

So....that’s absolutely something I wrestled with should I message the author and ask them to add a trigger warning or not? Because I genuinely could have used one. It would have helped. I would have avoided that story if I had any notion that might crop up in it, because frankly, that’s not something I had any interest in reading.

But problem is, there’s only really two realistic outcomes there. If she was open to hearing a genuine request for her to be aware that her content contained triggering material for a reader....chances are, she probably would have just edited it and taken that out entirely. It was just one line. Easy enough to do. It certainly didn’t add anything.

Problem is....there’s an equal and opposite likely outcome....that she’d get defensive, call this unsolicited criticism, and double down on the idea that what she had written wasn’t abuse, because obviously she doesn’t condone abuse, so she wouldn’t have written that plain and simple. It has to be acknowledged that a lot of authors ARE innately defensive about social content in their work, and not open to hearing they’ve done something offensive or triggering....because that’s like...literally the basis of the ‘no unsolicited criticism’ movement in fandom, even though being critical of toxic ideology expressed in content is NOT the same as offering criticism of someone’s writing in general.

So you see what I mean? A trigger warning COULD genuinely help in that situation....but our fandom environment simply flat out is not conducive for readers to be at all confident that they even CAN come forward and alert an author that they delved into an offensive, even harmful take with their content and be well received no matter HOW they phrase it....

For much the same reasons I mentioned in that other post. People are more likely to instinctively jump to the defense of the person WRITING the content that offended or did actual emotional harm....than the person simply trying to say, backed by their own lived experience of....being offended or experiencing emotional harm....hey, this is a problem for me and I would appreciate it being regarded as such....

Otherwise, what is even the POINT of this entire system of trigger warnings in the first place? If a problem for a reader isn’t regarded as worthy of attention in and of itself.....at least, not in comparison to whatever problem that READER’S problem creates for the WRITER.

You see what I’m saying? For this, and a lot of other reasons, trigger warnings are innately fallible. They rely on an honor code system, and the uncomfortable truth is none of us are actually naive enough to believe everyone in fandom is innately honorable enough to honor that....if they were, would we have as much cases of anon hate, spite fics, etc?

But fandom as a whole looked at the trigger warning system and decided well....its good enough. Because its not like I’m proposing a viable alternative, its not like I have a BETTER system in mind, offhand. All I do have is the point that well...no...its NOT good enough as is....because for a ton of reasons, there’s a ton of cases in which there’s a ton of people for which it flat out doesn’t work for or benefit at all.

But when this comes up to any degree, in any capacity whatsoever....and the only thing people fall back on is well, I tagged it, or I used trigger warnings what more do you want, or its good enough for me so that’s what matters, or just....

“I did what I was supposed to per the social contract about trigger warnings, so if anything goes wrong in your reading experience at this point, that’s entirely on you.”

Like, does that make sense?

Basically, there’s a world of difference between:

This is a problem that still needs solving because the solution provided now is not all-encompassing or inclusive....

And....

This is a problem that’s already been solved as far as I’m concerned, and I’m utilizing that solution so any further problems are just in the mind of the reader and have nothing to do with reality, let alone me and my work.

Again, as I said above....its the difference between genuinely engaging with other members of your fandom community with actual concern for THEIR fandom experience.....or faking engagement with other members of your fandom community when your only real concern is YOUR fandom experience, and at most, the experiences of anyone who already is of like minds to you on a subject.

Hopefully that answers your question or clarifies my stance there, anon. And thank you for actually engaging on this. It feels a bit like shouting into the void a lot of the time, lol.

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steviethechihuahuawrangler · 4 years

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A Formal Welcome

So it occurred to me that I just hit the ground running. I didnt look back when I went forward and began posting intimate things onto this wonderful Tumblr. Now that I see I have a couple people following me, I figure I owe you a welcome and thank you for visiting my corner of the web, and I also owe you an introduction to who I am.

I am Stevie. There's the general business of stating that I love blogging about my transgender wife. I myself am non-binary born female and still uses she/her pronouns by default but accepts all of the pronouns...call me any of them but just keep calling me *wink* I also love blogging about mental health, human rights issues, and some spiritually inspiring nuggets I find as well as humor and my interests. I am trying to capture my spirit for you all to see.

I am a rather peace, love, and harmony kind of person. I'm a multicultural beautiful mutt of a human that loves people of all walks of the Earth. I was born into a family that always was just getting by with hand-me-downs and used cars only. We lived rather bare bones-humbly on a farm where my mom had a kaleidoscope of animals that us farm kids fed and took care of for her. I still remember wandering out in large snow drifts with buckets of hot water to thaw the ice bricks in the sheep and cow enclosures so that the poor dudes could have a drink twice a day before they froze in the Midwestern winters.

I was successful in school and graduated in the top ten of a tiny class of roughly 200 or so. I worked hard for it though and suffered a great deal. You see,

I was violently molested by a babysitter when I was in kindergarten. That mixed with my family's predisposition for kicking out babies with bipolar disorder and being the lucky winner of that lotto... made for an interesting dark cloud for a kid to compensate. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my sitter gave me PTSD and DID. Most people are familiar with PTSD, but as for DID...most only know it as multiple personalities. And no... its not like Split or even Sybil, at least not for me. I had an intricate system that worked quietly under the surface. Some of my personas my child-self made were so intricate they represented all the phoenixes that rose from the ashes of past failures. I had male personas, female personas, child personas and adult ones too, gay personas, straight personas.... I had emotions I bottled as personas as well. A total count of 16. 17 if you count the true me.

Wow this is hard to write. Hard to admit but I feel more people must talk about these things. Abuse has horrible outcomes for those who experience it. I feel I need to keep writing this because I need it off my chest and DID is a very real thing.

It had gotten so messy but I didnt even realize that it was abnormal to do it. I thought thats how everyone got through the day.... with 4+ trains of thought chattering at you, remembering things, and feeding your mind with the in formation you feel you need at the time. I didnt realize that it was abnormal at all. Its not something you talk about out of the blue with anyone either. So I had no clue I was a multiple til the ripe age of 33. And in 2 years time with mega therapy from many stellar therapists in Wisconsin, I was able to go through integration of all of my personas, making myself whole again. I essentially made myself my own program when we had the insurance great enough to cover all my treatment. I started with finding a therapist and a psychiatrist and then added DBT group therapy as my diagnoses kept changing as they struggled to find my Dissociative Identity Disorder. I added art therapy and that was the point I finally started making dramatic improvements.

They even recognized it making me a formal mentor of the therapy program I was in. I helped in IOP programs inspiring fellow addicts to get clean while working on mental health goals with them. I started helping others go to their sessions and AA meetings or CODA meetings.

My Lizzy was the one that pumped her blood sweat and tears into funding my nearly daily therapy regiment. Then when my excellent therapist.... DrTwin we will call her.... realized that I was switching personas. She argued with herself a bit on whether to tell me or just treat it without doing so but she told me DID and PTSD were the beasts causing my bipolar 2 to be unmanageable.

Truth be told I cracked down on the seriousness I put towards my therapy efforts because I could see that Lizzy, who then was living a depressed and rage filled male life as she struggled with work was having a hell of a time keeping up with which Stevie would be in the room when she came home. I could see that Lizzy couldn't keep fighting through her darkness alone either. time was ticking and I had to get to a stable place.

Thats when Lizzy's dad got diagnosed with early onset dementia. When I got stable enough I offered the jump to come back home to Illinois to help take care of him since my hernias from my botched surgeries make it hard to work. Lizzy's mom welcomed the help as we didnt find out about the dementia until Lizzy's dad already was in stage 4 of 7. now he is toward the middle of stage 5 but its usually a faster decline at this point. Though we moved quickly and helped for months his care needs began to exceed what 3 adults could do in a 24 hour period. He is now moved into a memory care apartment unit with several other people who he seems to get along with. This leads us up to present times

Where we are currently living as a tripod family with Lizzy's mom who doesn't want to live alone now that her spouse is in his new home. Its Lizzy's childhood home and one day may end up being ours.

As far as Lizzy and I, we've been courtin' since Spring of 2008. We were married in spring of 2010 and since day one Lizzy became my best friend. We met when we were in the throws of our alcoholism amongst other things I had problems with. But lets just say I would have gotten my 8 year chip on the 4th of July. SOBER 8 YEARS and feeling great. Lizzy loved me during all the high spirit days where we went to haunted hayrides and houses. Lizzy loved me when I was laying at the bottom of the tub crying and dissociating while screaming in PTSD attacks. Our life has a pulse not unlike Grey's Anatomy....which dramatic turn shall we take next? Terrible Misfortune or Blissed Out Humor? Only time will tell. But its a beautiful ride in the big picture.

I would love for you to ask any questions or leave any messages! If you want to know more I am an open book and thats why I am writing this blog. I want the world to see me. Welcome to my world! Enjoy.

*~*~*~*~*Stevie*~*~*~*~*

#mental health #transgender spouse #me #welcome #im an open book #strange person alert #end mental health stigma #lets be honest #wow this post makes me feel sensitive

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the209social · 4 years

Text

2020

5:59pm 11.03.2020

Anson Seabra “Thats Us” on repeat

I have gone through my share of trials and tribulations over the years, yet if you would have told me that in 2020 i was going to lose close friendships, get my heart stepped on, have a breakdown and go through a scary health situation, i would have told you that you were crazy. There are no words that could have prepared me for the events that have happened to me in the last couple of months. To be honest they even shock me as i sit here thinking of them. Im in a state of disbelief, i sit here numb to the feelings that flow through me and all the events that have occurred.

Back in May my closest friend of over 15 years decided to stop talking to me. Basically i got ghosted by the one friend that i loved and cherished the most. Sophia was the one person that had been there through all the times i cried, laughed and felt depressed. I felt like i had lost a small portion of myself. Such a cowardly way to end a friendship if you ask me. No explanation as to why i wasn’t worth a conversation as to why she no longer wanted to be friends with me anymore. I felt like a rug had been pulled from under me and i was falling but just couldn’t seem to hit the ground. As time moved forward and i heard nothing from this so called friend i came to the realization that our friendship was really over. I can’t say that i took the time to cry because somewhere deep down in me i had hope that we could pick up where we left off. When people would ask me about her i simply smiled with pain deep in my soul and just told people that we didn’t talk anymore. One thing that i never did was talk ill about her. I don’t hold any grudges over her. I have nothing but good things to say about her because she held my hand through some of my darkest moments in life. For that i will always be thankful. I just wish she could have been upfront with me and given me a reason as to why she felt that our friendship was no longer worth continuing. Maybe i did do something to trigger these horrific events, but i will never know because words were never spoken to mend the situation. So i can’t sit here and pretend that im sorry because i don’t know the reasons why it all ended. With time i learned to stop wanting answers and as the months continued without a sign of slowing down i became contempt with the idea of not getting answers and i lost interest in fixing this broken friendship. Sophia has become nothing more than a memory of a beautiful time that has come and past. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but that’s it. I no longer desire to rekindle a friendship who held no value for me.

Around the same time that i was being ghosted by my friend i was beginning to fall in love for Luis, a guy that i saw potential in as a human being. For the first time in a long time i was feeling something again. If you follow my tumblr you’ll know that the last time i felt anything for a guy was for Romeo. It felt good to be liberated in a way from those feeling i had for him. It was a new beginning for me that i didn’t know how to go about it. I was tired of hiding my feeling but i was scared to tell Luis because he and i had formed a strong friendship. In the beginning of the year I literally bent over backwards for him and helped him through probably one of the toughest situations he had ever been through in his life. I thought he would take my actions and everything i did for him into consideration if i told him how i felt for him. I was tired of living in fear of expressing my feelings so i wrote him a long email telling him how i felt and how special he was to me. To be honest i had a tinny bit of hope that he would take a chance on me. I truly thought that he would see the potential in me and how willing i was to go the extra mile for him because i saw greatness in him even on his worse days. I thought that he would see that i was put in his path for a reason. Deep in my soul i wondered if Luis would see that i was one of the few people that encouraged him to become a better version of himself. Sadly it would not be meant to be. He never said he didn't love me in return, he simply said he wanted to stay friends. I thought we could have been something great together. I tried not to make things awkward between us because i was grown up enough to understand that i could still love Luis, even if it meant only being his friend. So there i was suppressing feeling for someone again. Oh yeah, and Sophia at one point had warned me that as soon as Luis was comfortable and not worried about the situation he was going through, he would set me aside because he knew how much i loved him and i would always be there regardless. Little did i know that those words would stick with me like an afterthought in the back of my head. So as time went by Luis, the man i had such a strong friendship with, and that knew i had feelings for him, started to text and call me less and less. There were nights where i wished he would call to just hang out and watch a movie and bake cookies like we use to do. I would watch his social media stories and i would see him hanging out with people that didn’t give two fucks about him. It actually made me feel worthless because i cared for his future and his well being but there is only so much you can do. As my feelings grew more and more for him i began to notice that i was the one that was always reaching out to him to hang out, to talk or simply text. I saw how he lost interest in my company so i made a decision that i knew would hurt me at first but that with time i would heal. I decided that i would no longer view his stories on social media, the less i knew about Luis the better. Also i decided that i would no longer reach out to him. I was not going to make the same mistakes i did with Romeo by giving him feelings and time he didn’t want or deserved. I came to the conclusion that Luis could care less and that i needed to be on the same page and be okay with it. So i stopped calling and texting him. It was my turn for him to miss me. Weeks would go by, even a full month before i would get a text from him just to say “hi, how are are you doing?” That was pretty much the most we really talked. It always felt like he was texting me out of boredom. I can’t lie. I truly yearned to hear from Luis at first, but as time went by i began to occupy my mind in other areas of my life that needed my attention. Areas that i had put on the back burner to please others or simply because i was busy giving so much love away that i forgot to also love myself. So i started to miss him less and less. But every so often i would come across his name in my phone or a picture and all those feelings i was working so hard to avoid would try rushing back. I learned to cry it out at night and let it go. So in the end my friendship with Luis has also dwindled into little moments full of amazing memories. Do i still love him? I would be lying if i said i don’t have feelings for him anymore. I care for him a lot and there are still nights that i stay up not being able to sleep because he’s on the back of my mind, but is it love? I think it was love at one point, but he showed me his true colors and how unimportant i am in his life. All i have for him now is good wishes. I hope he finds that happiness i know he is desperately looking for and that he learns from his mistakes to become that amazing man i know he will be one day. I hope he finds someone that is willing to love him as much as i did and is willing to ride through the sunny days as well as through his storms like i was. He actually told me recently that he met someone. I have to admit that it felt like being stabbed, not in my heart but in my soul. It hurt me to my very core and i felt a bit of jealous that this complete stranger that hadn’t put in any work or feelings into him, could simply come along and make him feel like she’s worth it and i wasn’t. But i realized that i cant force him to love me no matter what i do for him, the effort i put in or the feelings i show him. At the end of the day i want those that i love to also find a love of their own even if its not with me. As he was telling me about this girl he met i sat there looking into his eyes hoping he would not see the brokeness in mine. I smiled through my pain and his words that had shattered me inside and i wished him luck on his new relationship. That’s real love. For now, i’m okay with calling him a friend even though i wish it could have been more, but i rather have a little bit of him than none at all.

As my feelings for Luis were dwindling i began to fall into an area of sadness that i had never experienced before. In that sadness i found solace in my memories of Romeo. At first he would pop up when i felt the most sad. I would remember times where we had laughed or just shared something special. Maybe a party we both went too or a car ride where we sang at the top of our lungs to music we both liked. It was little things that came to mind. My mind would take me back to the long conversations that we shared about life in my room and in our cars, where we talked all night about hopes and dreams until the sun came up. I did not miss Romeo in a romantic way because i was still dealing with my feeling for Luis, but the more Luis ignored me the more space Romeo began to take in my mind. The more time went by i began to stop thinking of Luis at night and i began to think of Romeo. I must be clear that i missed Romeo as a person and as a friend. It got to the point where i thought about Romeo so much that i went onto his social media. There i saw a video of him singing a song that i would always request from him to sing when he would play his guitar at parties. I sat there hearing him sing this song with so much emotion that it brought tears to my eyes. I had forgotten what his voice sounded like. I had forgotten how easily i got lost in his eyes. I couldn’t help but think “why didn’t it work out between us? Why doesn't it ever work out with the person i give all my love too?” Without thinking i double-taped his video. I could have taken it back, but i wanted him to know that i saw it and that i liked it. I wanted him to know that i did not harbor any hate towards him. Yes he did break me in ways that no man had ever done before, but time had made me grow and i had learned to forgive and let go. The more time that went by the more i called Romeo with my thoughts. I honestly believe that when you manifest what you desire to the universe it grants it to you, but it’s up to us to make something of the opportunity or it will simply slip away. With that being said during this time i had my routine of going to the park and jogging and walking with a great friend of mine. One summer day as i was walking around the park from a distance i saw a man by himself bouncing a soccer ball around and i immediately knew that was Romeo. I could spot him in a crowd of a million people. I can still remember his mannerisms and the way he moved and walked. I saw him several other times after that for about two weeks but i never took the initiative to walk up to him and attempt to talk things out. The want was there, i was just afraid of the outcome. I feel like he probably wanted me to take the initiative and speak to him first, why else would he come to the park again and again knowing that’s where i worked-out. Sadly when i finally worked up the courage to talk to him he stopped coming to the park and i never saw him come back. Things have to be done in the moment. I feel like the universe was giving me a big sign to mend things between us but i threw away the opportunity. Then i started jogging at the levee so i will never know if he ever went back. Still i couldn’t stop thinking that we could mend things and start fresh, begin a new friendship. One day that i felt extra sad i sat on my bed and began to compose a letter for him. I wrote from the deepest parts of my broken soul and i literally cried the whole time i wrote. I didn’t know if he had the same number so i decided to send it through DM on IG. He never opened or read it. I guess i thought that his friendship would bring me comfort, simply because it had once before and i was in need of someone that could calm my soul and bring me peace. I knew that he was one of the only persons that could make me feel at peace. I mean i couldn’t run to my friend Luis that i had feeling for because he was too busy living his life and not including me. I mean not even a call or text to hang out. The weeks went by and my hopes began to die that Romeo would actually open my letter and at least write “fuck you” in return. I had this stupid hope that we could be friends and start all over. Who knows what it would have led to but at least we would have had a fresh start, leaving the past behind us. I guess i’m a dreamer and i wish a little too hard. If it didn’t happen it’s for a reason and with all the things that had happened to me up to that point i learned to simply let go. After weeks of waiting for him to read my DM i finally grew tired and i simply went into the DM and took my message back and deleted it. Once again i had to move on from something new. I promised myself that i would never reach out to him every again and i would never go onto his social media, and i’ve kept my promise since that day.

As life attempted to teach me self value i had another friendship that i didn’t know was hanging from a thread. My friend Mimi’s birthday was coming up and the whole month i kept asking her what her plans were. She was one of my closest friends. I loved and still love Mimi with my whole entire soul, but there are actions in life that speak louder than words. My friend had initially told me that she wanted to go to Tahoe for her birthday. I asked her to tell me with time so that i could save up for the trip. I was excited to be able to spend her big day with her. She was important to me and she knows this. As the month came to a close she told me she had no plans and that at the most she would have something small at her house. When her birthday weekend came i reached for my phone to ask her what were the plans since she hadn’t told me anything. As i opened my phone, for some strange reason it took me straight to Facebook and a video popped up. It was my friends turning up for her birthday and at first i didn’t think anything of it. I initially thought that she was celebrating at another’s friends house. In my head i thought, “hey i’ll just hit her up and i’ll get an invite.” As the video continued i notice that it was not our friends house that she was at. I also noticed that Sophia was there. I checked to see if the location had been tagged on the video and it had. They were all in Tahoe celebrating. I had been left out. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I was tired of being hurt by the people i loved the most. I turned off my phone and i felt this deep hurt in chest and knot in my throat. I was tired of holding so much in and i simply let it out and cried. I tried to reason as to why i was left out. I attempted to come up with scenarios as to why my very close friend would exclude me from celebrating her big day with her knowing that i was constantly telling her what the plan was for her birthday. So i came to the conclusion that she must of not known about it. Obviously her big day was planned by someone who didn’t want me there and i accepted that. What i could not understand was how did Mimi not find in her heart to text me and say, “hey i know you wanted to celebrate my bday with me but i didn't know about this surprise and i’m sorry you didn't get an invite.” Would i still have been hurt, yes. Would i have understood, yes. Yet that didn’t happen and i stayed hurt. When the day of her actual birthday came i could not bring myself to wish Mimi a happy birthday. Not because i was being petty or to prove a point but because i still felt so hurt and i knew that my birthday wishes would not have been sincere. I honestly thought she would reach out and we would talk it out. I really never thought she would stop talking to me. Sitting here and writing about this memory i cant help but cry. This one hurt a little different. After all the other things that i have gone through i started to just learn to let go. So i took the time to grieve and cry it out and i simply just let go. I don’t doubt she has people in her ear telling her that reaching out to me is not worth it. To be honest if it was that easy to throw me to the side and not care about me, i rather she never reach out. This just makes me think twice about who really is my friend. Im tired of always being the one to beg for friends and i’m tired of being the one to fix relationships. Im sorry if you feel like i’m not putting any effort into the situation, but i want to feel loved too. i want to see if i’m worth fighting for just as much as i would of been willing to fight for any of the people i have written about today. Am i worth it?

So much was happening in my life and i had so many feelings that i just didn’t know how to deal with them that i began to pick up old habits. I began to go out a lot and get plastered drunk to cope with the feelings of losing close friends. I would get drunk and flirt with guys i would meet at the club, then leave with them and hook up with these idiots i found cute at the moment. The alcohol was a way to numb the sadness i felt for losing friends and leaving with other guys was just a way to numb my feelings i felt for Luis. The drinking made me forget, even if it was for a moment. To top it off the day came when i had to get a surgery that i had been planning with my doctor for over a year. I told very few people about it. I usually put everything up on social media but this time i decided i would keep this to myself. There were risks going in and i knew that it was a delicate surgery. The week before my surgery i asked Luis to hang out and he responded by saying “Yeah ill definitely visit you before the 15th ill text you or call when i’m free lately everyone’s been needed my help.” It’s funny that every time his social media came up he was out on the boat or bike riding or hanging out with other friends. He was so “busy.” He’s the only person that i reached out to and asked to see before my surgery. Luis never made the time to come see me. That made me feel so worthless. Sophia’s words began to haunt me, “as soon as the situation that he was going through passes or gets better he’s going to set you aside.” Sophia was right, but when you like someone you put up with a lot of shit, but there is always a breaking point. The day of the surgery came. Even Mimi text me to say good luck. I responded with a thank you and i told her i loved her, she never wrote back. To be honest somewhere deep down i kinda hoped to close my eyes and never open them again. I just wanted to stop feeling everything at once. I went into the operating room asking the universe to just send me onto my next life. I laid there on the operating room table staring at the large lights that they use to operate. The doctor asked if i was ready, i just gave a sad smile, took a deep breath and closed my eyes hoping not to open them again. My surgery was suppose to take 2-3 hours. I ended up having to have two surgeries, had breathing problems while under anesthesia and i was in surgery for 10 hours. I woke up and opened my eyes, i felt no pain just some major soreness. Things felt different within me. I was wheeled to my room and my stuff was brought to me. My phone was full of messages and missed calls from actual friends that remembered i had surgery that day and they were worried as to why i wasn’t returning their text and calls. That night i decided that i would never again in my life let anyone control so much of my emotions. I promised myself to only love as much as i was loved and to only input into a relationship and friendship as much as the other person put in. I promised to make changes in myself and to slowly begin to let go of all the “friendships” that i felt did not add to my growth. It was time to match the energy others gave to me.

My recovery was faster than i expected. I had lots of soreness but no pain. The first week i needed a walker to get around. the second week i got stronger and i had my catheter taken out. On Thursday it will be three weeks since my surgery and i’m able to get out of bed myself and walk around with more ease. I can see myself healing so fast. Maybe its my new outlook on life and i cant wait to get out into the world and work on the new me. I want to build the few friendships that i have left and make them strong. I want to meet new people that want to live life and not spend it at house parties, bars and clubs. Don’t get me wrong those activities are fun but they should not be weekly thing. As for love, I don’t ever want to experience it again. I want to finish school, travel more even if it’s on my own and start having children and give them all my love.

Throughout these last months i know that i have gone through a lot, but there were also people in my life that made it bearable. I want to take the time to thank those few friends that kept checking in on me and invited me to be part of their special moments or simply call me to hang out and just talk. You all made life a bit more easy and for that i will always be thankful. It also made me realize what true friendship looks like. I love you all.

11:30pm

#2020 #Memories #life #heartbreak #losses #love story #memoir #stay strong #nothing is forever #hard times #new beginnings #new blog #gay blog #gay #lgbtq blog #life moves on

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