#the abuse trauma will have ruined my relationship with food permanently

[dykethang]

like so for serious i've had a clinical eating disorder of some kind since i was a child and grew up in a house with multiple eating disordered adults. i have weight trauma and abuse trauma both regarding food and eating. i went to residential treatment with no results, inpatient with no results. it always came back no matter what.

and yet here we are. i think it'll stay with me forever in some ways, i still think about doing Behaviors when i'm stressed. but like. i never thought i'd reach a point of "i don't remember the last time i engaged with my ED behaviors" and that's where i am. the hell

[gunmetal-ring]

living for your hellcheer commentary! if you ever feel like it i'd love to hear your headcanons for the relationships between chrissy and her mom and eddie and wayne pre-s4

Aw ty 💕 as i continue to clog up the hellcheer tags you will learn that i will take any and all opportunity to ramble my thoughts lol. So thanks for the platform! Buckle in!

I think chrissys mom isnt the cartoonishly evil villain that we see/that we often read abt in fic. I dont think shes ever screamed "FAT PIG!" at chrissy or anything like that. I think the hallucinations were purposefully exaggerated to show that they werent real.

I think that the Real Torture (when vecna was actually killing chrissy) was the accurate representation - sugar-sweet voice for what seems like an innocuous message from non abusive mothers would be "i know you like this outfit and it doesnt fit so im adjusting it so it does fit so you dont have to throw it out bc i love you!".

Except we know that bc chrissy is bulimic and has past trauma, that her mom likely killed her w a thousand cuts - making hurtful remarks abt her weight, her figure, the way her clothes fit, the food shes eating, how she mom was so thin and beautiful at chrissys age and how she wishes chrissy could experience being thin and beautiful, shaming her for her diet, the sizes she has to buy for her clothes, etc. So they were clearly intended to be controlling and abusive but all coated as sugary sweet innocuous concerned-abt-your-health etc whatever. Which is why in the Real Torture when her mom turns around, her mom's face is monstrous - she looks and sounds like a loving mother, but actually theres a monster inside her. Chrissy doesnt necessarily hate her - most victims of abuse dont outright hate their abusers, theres usually an extremely complicated relationship of hate and love and resentment and guilt and hope etc etc which makes it all even harder to naviagte - but she internalizes her moms words and hates herself. Also why her dads eyes and mouth are stitched shut - he refuses to see and listen to the real message that her mom is sending and he refuses to do anything abt it.

I do think that had chrissy lived she would have gone to college/moved out and eventually overcome it all but unfortunately we wont ever see it 😕

--

As for wayne and eddie:

Obviously wayne loved eddie and i agree w the actors remarks in his interview. I think bc hes Wayne Munson and Eddie mentions that the Munson name has already been tarnished by his dad it means that wayne is his dads brother. So i think eddie was probably around 12 or 13 when he permanently moved in w wayne, bc he was living w his dad long enough for him to learn to hotwire cars instead of fishing and playing ball. My guess is his dad was in and out of jail for most of his life and wayne probably took care of him while his dad was in jail.

As for his mom, i know a lot of ppl probably think she ODd but im split on that. On one hand i dont think hed sell the rly hard shit if she ODd - and we know he doesnt just sell weed, ketamine is pretty intense, so my guess is he also sells acid, shrooms, maybecoke, etc. If she did OD i dont think hed sell heroin/whatever she ODd on. Plus i dont think hes ever been to jail bc he said he didnt want to end up like his dad, and heroin/crank/crack/etc is absolutely hard, life ruining shit, and also guaranteed jail time. So i can see how maybe she ODd. But I also can easily see how maybe she just up and left one day without a word. Eddie clearly has a hard time connecting (except w Chrissy lol) and opening up, and i can see how fear of abandonment might play into that - which also might be a contributing factor in his guilt bc in a way he abandoned chrissy in his trailer (he did the same thing that his mom did to him, etc).

Either way, she wasnt in the picture when wayne took him in, and i also think maybe it was 13ish bc obviously he connected w chrissy at the talent show and 8th grade is usually 13-14 so if a cute girl was nice to him during a traumatic time in his life i can see how that lasted w him. So yes wayne took him in even tho he couldnt rly afford to - pretty sure his trailer is only 1 bedroom and wayne sleeps on a camp bed in the living room, and so he couldnt afford to move to a 2 bedroom trailer. I definitely think he knew eddie sold and that eddie probably contributed to expenses w some of that money. Waynes gruff so i doubt he was all hugs and kisses but i think eddie definitely knew wayne loved him. I also think that while eddie definitely loved him - and wayne KNEW eddie loved him - eddie also maybe had complicated feelings towards him given the circumstances under which eddie moved in w him. i wouldnt be surprised if he resented him a little bit bc he associates wayne w his dad going to jail and his mom bouncing, vs seeing him as a savior, and wayne not being able to rly afford to take care of him, etc. Not logical and i think he knows its not logical but to a kid going thru trauma the feelings arent always logical (see chrissy/her mom) and get complicated

Eddie was also kind of self centered when it came to wayne. He didnt bother to clean up after himself, he left wayne to find chrissys horrifically tortured body by himself, didnt ever ask The Party to pass on a message of apology/thanks/anything to wayne, etc. He also probably didnt offer to give wayne the bedroom as he got older even tho the camp bed probably killed waynes back by now and eddie was at school while wayne slept and apparently crashed at ricks often enough to warrant a mention, and I wouldnt be surprised if he slept in his van after a night out, etc. Im not totally sure on that, bc i can also see him trying to offer up his room and wayne being like "no its fine" but idk im split.

I think had eddie lived he would have moved out at some point but still helped wayne out no matter what by getting a legit on the books job

[loyalshipper]

May I introduce the Tumblr DC community to one of my two favorite Batfam AUs I have created. Bruce Wayne owns a hotel/museum near an ocean cliff and still has a chronic adoption problem but doesn’t fight crime. (If anyone writes this you can make it to where heroes still exist, the Batfam are the inly no capes)

WE still exists but it isn’t run by Bruce it is run by Lucius because back in the 60s Thomas and Martha bought the hotel and wanted that to be their legacy. They still die the same way but Bruce puts all his efforts into running and blossoming the hotel which was his parent’s dream project.

I’ll get back into the hotel in a minute I’m taking about the kids now

Dick is gotten a similar way, he visits the Cape with Haly’s Circus, his parents die because of faulty wiring sold to the circus by Zucco and Dick becomes an orphan. Bruce just so happened to use his one night off in a while to go see the circus. He keeps thinking about Dick and ends up adopting him. He helps Dick and the Circus bring Zucco to justice and sues the hell out of him and shuts down his business. (Adopted at 8))

Jason was found living in one of the shut down rooms of the hotel. Because his dad left and was in prison and his mom od. So Bruce treats him like a wild animal and starts to leave food out on a regular schedule until Jason gets comfortable with him and he adopts Jason. (five years younger than Dick)

Tim was the son of two wealthy archaeologists who were gone 11 out of the 12 months. Bruce met Tim because he liked to come into the museum and take pictures of the museum exhibits and hotel architecture and shoreline which he would develop and give copies to Bruce. So he opens his house to this little boy with a penchant for photography. Until one day Tim’e parents call Tim telling him that they are staying in Egypt permanently because the archeological dig is producing wonderous results and they’ll be hiring him an around the clock sitter. Only for Tim to wait three weeks and no one shows up. They went so far as to fire Ms. Mac but never hired a sitter for their son. So he goes to Bruce in tears and explains everything, because this is it-his parents finally did abandon him, and Bruce sues them for custody of Tim. (Three years younger than Jason, adopted at 7)

Damian was the result of a relationship Bruce had in college while studying hotel management and hospitality. Talia is the daughter of a hotel conglomerate owner who is currently trying to buy Bruce’s hotel so it can be torn down and Ra’s can built a new hyper expensive hotel in its place. Damian was sent to live with Bruce to try and get Bruce to have Damian inherit the hotel so Ra’s can get it and destroy it, but that backfired because instead Damian falls in love with the hotel and his new family (reluctantly) and wants to see the hotel and museum flourish, not tear down this historical piece of architecture to replace it with a soulless hotel only available to the wealthy elite. But something available to everyone that families vacation to because there is so much history and beauty in a thing that has stood for centuries. So Damian turns against Ra’s. Due not that while Damian and Tim do have a sibling rivalry it is not as vicious and cutting as it is in canon. They love each other they just don’t mesh well while in the same room. And yes, Damian still has his variety of pets (7 years younger than Tim)

Cass came to the hotel with her “father,” David Cain, who went to the Cape for business, and just ended up leaving and forgetting Cass at the hotel. He was still abusive and Cass had trouble speaking but he wasn’t “turn Cass into the world’s greatest assassin” abusive. After Bruce finds Cass, he sues Cain for parental custody and then ruins his life unrepentantly. (Couple of months older than Jason)

After Martha and Thomas died, Alfred took over managing the hotel while Bruce was still growing up and while he was getting his degrees, now he is the grandfather to Bruce’s many kids and helps to keep them running and cared for while they run and care for the hotel. He’s also the one that helps the new kids transfer into the life of running a hotel.

Barbara is the daughter of the Police Comissioner still who became friends with Dick and works, first part time at the museum/hotel and then full time. Same with Steph and Tim (1 year older than Dick)

Cullen and Harper work at the museum, Helena works at the hotel. Carrie does both. Duke is the newest acquisition. Only, his parents disappeared and no one has been able to find them yet. So Bruce currently had temporary custody of Duke who lives at the hotel with everyone. (Harper is a year older than Tim, Cullen is a year younger than Tim, Carrie is the same age as Jason, Duke is a few months younger than Tim)

Each person has different jobs. (Dick is concierge/check-in, Jason does guided history tours of the hotel/museum/grounds, Tim works in financials because he deals with the least amount of people, Helena, Carrie and Steph are both maids, Carrie also does janitorial stuff with Cullen, Barbara works hotel check-in with Dick, Barbara and Harper work cashier at the gift shop, Duke doesn’t have a job yet because he is still dealing with the disappearance of his parents, Damian does every job to see where he fits in best.

JARRO IS THE FAMILY PET STARFISH THAT TIM ADOPTED WHEN HE FIRST JOINED THE FAMILY AND RESCUED FROM BEING EATEN OFF THE BEACH

The hotel is still fully staffed with not-batkids, like grounds keepers and other hotel cleaners and janitors.

Location time!

I’m turning Gotham nicer and changing the geography of the city.

The hotel Museum rests about 200 yds from a cliff that overlooks a beach. There is a well maintained stair case put into the cliff for people to walk down, as well as a longer gravel path that follows the cliff edge down to the shoreline. It is frequented by seals, sea lions, and in the distance, dolphins and whales. The hotel it’s self has about 100 or so acres of land and a long drive but it is technically within walking distance to the city. And it’s a normal coastal town with a port and touristic areas. Kinda eerie at night when the fog rolls in but that’s part of the charm of the NorthEast.

Selina is just Bruce’s friend in this. She is Helena’s mother and Bruce was a surrogate for her. She decided she wanted a baby and Bruce offered to be a donor. So Selina had Helena and Bruce is part of her life but not as her dad, which was the agreement. Selina takes care of the stray animals on the grounds and favors the cats.

Clark is a reporter that was tasked to right an article on the hotel and it’s history, became good friends with Bruce and brings his family (Lois, Jon, Bizarro, Kon, Kara, Lena, Chris, Ma, Pa, and Lex) on vacation to it every year. Lex and Clark are divorced husbands that left on good terms and are friendly enough to coparent their son, Connor, who was made the same way as canon but less hush hush and illegally, Kara is Clark’s cousin and Lena is her fiancée, Lois is his wife, Jon and Bizarro are their two biological sons (Bizarro has autism), Chris is their foster son. Bizarro latches onto Jason in a way that he hasn’t before and always loves coming to the hotel, Jon and Chris are best friends with Damian, Connor and Tim are long distance dating.

Collin, Maya, and Maps are Damian’s best friends from school (Damian has a crush on Collin) and he’s trying to convince them to join the hotel staff like his siblings’ friends but they are a) too young and b) not interested.

Roy has all of his problems as in canon and gets help for it, so as a way to try and bring the family closer, Oliver and Dinah arrange a vacation to the hotel for them Roy and Lian. As a stepping stone kind of thing. Get away from daily stress. Roy is resistant at first until he and Jason hit it off and start talking and Jason talks sense into him and they strike up a friendship turned romance.

The Flashfam visit the museum diring a countrywide roadtrip and mad the stop because Bart is a history buff and wouldn’t stop talking about it the entire trip. He becomes fast friends with Tim and is the only person to ever get a Tim Wayne history tour. No matter what Kon tells you he is super salty about it. Wally and Dick were internet friends and used the roadtrip as a way to be able to meet up.

Thad is the obligatory complainer who doesn’t want to stay in a musty old hotel.

Ivy is the main grounds keeper and is in charge of the native wildlife sanctuary most of the land is used for, as well as taking care of the native plantlife and lives in town with her girlfriend, Harley. Harley helps the kids prank Bruce.

Harley is a children’s psychiatrist hired by Bruce to help the kids deal with their various traumas. Her coming to the hotel for sessions is how she and Ivy met.

They started dating between Dick and Jason and Dick talks up each of them to the other, but each individual kid that comes in think they’d be cute together (since they are both professional while working there isn’t immediate proof that they are dating. But they will flirt with each other if they see each other) and it’s basically a right if passage to try and convince their siblings to help them get together and then try and set them up on their own and find out the hard way that they’re already together. They love seeing all the different way the kids try and set them up. They tend to go along with it until either the kids realise or they take pity on them.

Their favorite was Damian’s where he set up an entire romantic dinner at the hotel restaurant and Dick managed to slyly convince him to set it on a certain day that turned out to be Harley and Ivy’s anniversary.

Alfred is the head chef for the hotel, making room service meals and the breakfast buffet line up. Jason will help him out if he isn’t busy with other things.

Victor Fries and his wife hold an ice cream social ever summer at the hotel with all the ice cream flavors they came up with over the last year.

Edward Nygma, famous escape room designer, is hired to make an escape room themed on the hotel and museum that is built on the grounds near the main building.

Another ritual that starts, begins with Tim, where the older siblings convince the newest one that the hotel is haunted and Jason takes them on a “haunted ghost tour” of the abandoned part of the hotel (the part that is too dilapidated and run down to remodel safely) while the others are stationed at different parts of the hotel and grounds to run whatever scenario to scare the new kid. The only one that hasn’t been done to is Cass because even after several years she still jumps a little too hard at loud noises. But one time Jason accident closed a door a little too harshly while Cass and Tim were doing something and it caused her to jump so hard she knocked over Tim and started crying. They were contemplating whether she was strong enough to do it or not and that cemented that she wasn’t.

Tim and Cass are nearly inseparable and are commonly referred to as the Wayne Twins. For Halloween they decided to go as each other.

[cottoncandyjester]

Let sleeping dogs lie(salem backstory)

People have been asking a ton of questions about salem and his backstory so i decided to answer them in one big post.

This story contains: a lot of child abuse, death, cannibalism, childhood trauma, all around bad times for salem

Salem was a dog, not a child. He slept in a cage,ate scraps and was abused to the point where blood was a permanent taste in his mouth. His brother on the other hand was the perfect child, salem didn't know why his mother loved axis more than him but salem was to believe that something was wrong with him

The truth was that nothing was wrong with salem, he was actually quite gifted in singing and would sing himself to sleep when the late nights scare him. Salem was deemed an ugly child from his mother, his eyes were dead and empty..he never smiled in his life and he doesn't even know how to laugh.

Salem hated axis, he hated axis with every fiber of his being. He hated that axis was treated like royalty while he was dragged through hell just to live, how come axis was so perfect?

The worst part of it was that axis was so sweet to salem, he would sneak down and give salem food when their mother isn't watching. Salem thought axis was just belittling him and that made him hate him more

It wasn't fair, none of this was fair. His mother was supposed to love him more than anything, why was axis so special?!

"your father was an ugly man, a monster and you look just like him..those demon eyes. It's natural for any mother to love the more beautiful child. You're only here cause you are make a lovely trash can"

Maybe asking his mother wasn't the best option, it only broke salem more. Salem finally broke after that, he snuck into axis' room that night. Axis had a fever so the window and door was wide open to cool him off, salem let out a shaky sigh as he walked towards the sleeping boy

Its not fair

I was born first

It's not fair

Even sleeping he looked perfect, salem opened the bottle of chemicals and poured it over axis' eyes. The sounds of screaming and choked sobbing flooded the room as salem stared at his younger brother his eyes being empty of any emotions.

He got beaten extra hard that night, he ruined his mother's perfect little boy so it was only natural for her to want him dead, but it seems she had a far better idea for him.

The next morning he was sold like some rusted toy, a rich family wanted to treat their son to an early birthday present and a commoner slave seemed to be the perfect gift.

"but it's not salem's fault he was just really mad at me! I swear it doesn't hurt anymore!"

Hearing axis sob and cry for him only made salem hate him more, damn him for being so kind.

Salem felt someone force his head up and his blank eyes stared into blue ones, there he met his master.

Hikaru looked beautiful to salem, a pretty boy dressed in pink. He dazzled like a star and the utter sight of him made salem blush.

It seems that hikaru wasn't as sweet as he looked, salem wasn't sure which was worse his mother or hikaru. Salem was forced to wear a shiny collar and crawl around on all fours, he truly was a dog. Hikaru trained him to be obedient and submissive, salem started to forget that he was even human

Hikaru's family were rich and dirty, they could get away with anything even murder. Salem was their dog and as such they fed him whatever remains of the victim they dealt with.

Eating human remains seems to have been the last nail on the coffin when it comes to his sanity, he had finally lost it.

His mind had broke and he couldn't function as a normal person anymore, he wanted nothing but death.

When salem turned 15 years old the toment was too much for him, the constant abuse from hikaru and his family had not only broke him mentally but physically as well, the amount of blunt Force trauma gave him enough brain damage to most likely kill him.

One thing salem hated most of all was the abandonment of his own mother, she was a horrible person but he still loves her yet he despised her for leaving him. He just wanted someone who wouldn't leave, someone who will stay by his side no matter what.

Salem had slit his throat that night, it was hikaru who had found him choking on his own blood and stitched him up before he died. Hikaru was nicer to salem after that, instead of a stray he was treated much like a beloved pet. Salem wasn't sure if it was the stockholm syndrome or what but he grew attached to hikaru

As the two got older their relationship started to become far more twisted, hikaru started using salem for sexual pleasure and salem of course let it happen.

Hikaru's version of sexual pleasure involved hardcore violence, things such as burning and branding filled his excitement. Salem felt as if he owed hikaru his life, hikaru was his master after all and as a lowly dog you do as you were told. Sex slowly became salem's high, he wanted more and more to the point where he would go to other people in hikaru's family, begging to be touched to be used. People don't leave of you offer them sex, that was the one lesson salem learned

When salem turned 19 he was reunited with his brother once more, seems like axis got into the same school hikaru was in thanks to an art scholarship and so the two met and became 'friends'.

Salem as this point was on his way to becoming a drooling mutt, the amount of abuse and trauma he dealt with messed with his brain beyond repair.

When the two brothers reconnected salem didn't remember his brother much, he could barley remember his own name some days. Axis still adored salem with every fiber of his being even if his blindness was salem's fault. Hikaru had no intention of giving salem up, after all salem was his wonderful pet and any pet owner would be sad to give up a family pet.

"i-i want my brother back, please.."

"is that so? Salem what do you think about that?"

Salem, who sat on the floor with his head nuzzled against hikaru's lap shuddered at the thought of not having hikaru. Was hikaru leaving just like his mother?! He couldn't stand it, he can't handle someone else leaving his life or discarding him.

"no no no no no no, ah- no!"

Salem started to spiral at the very thought, why did everyone leave him? Why can't anyone stay for him?! What's wrong with him that makes him just so unloveable?

Salem didnt go back to axis that night, but axis never stopped trying. Every single day he came to bother hikaru into releasing the hold on his brother.

Salem's feelings for his brother were neutral, he was too messed up in the head to clearly piece together how exactly he felt but he didnt hate him anymore

Salem didn't want to leave hikaru and hikaru wasn't finished playing with salem, wherever hikaru went salem did too those two were far too toxic to each other and still are incredibly toxic.

After all salem was just a damaged dog and he only had everyone around him to blame, it's a wonder how he would turn out if he was raised normally.

[understandingchaoss]

What Recovering from PTSD Looks like When Society Says I Can't Have It

We all know what post traumatic-stress disorder is. We all know that most people who come back from war experience it. In fact, about 30% of men and women who experience war zones are diagnosed with it.

But what about the rest of us? What about those of us who never experienced war but have been diagnosed?

An estimated 7.6% of Americans will experience PTSD at some point in their lives with women twice as more likely to experience it than men. Events leading up to or causing PTSD can consist of sexual assault, a traumatic car accident, childhood abuse or neglect, emotional and physical abuse, finding a loved one deceased, or the suicide or death of a loved one.

Those who come home from war and experienced PTSD are completely valid. I in no way ever want to experience what they had to experience. But when they are honest with their loved ones and admit that they have been diagnosed with PTSD, their feelings and emotions are validated, and actions following the diagnosis are validated.

But for some reason, my emotions, feelings, and actions are not. That is simply because I am not a veteran. Society has made me feel as if I am not allowed to have PTSD if I did not go to war. 

To most people, I don’t show symptoms of my illness. No one even knows I have it unless I tell them. But my second most dominating illness following my depression, according to my psychiatrist, is PTSD. I don’t have any bruises or scars to show for the trauma that I have endured; therefore, according to society, I must not have it.

I spent the majority of my life carefree. Post traumatic-stress disorder never even became a thing for me until I was in high school. I am still not at the point in my recovery where I can openly talk about my traumas, but most people are aware of the three major events that occurred. Unfortunately, because I do not feel comfortable talking about them, my illness is invalidated. I’d like to say that the details of my trauma are not important, and that in this case, they don’t matter. But they are important and they do matter because unless I speak up about them, society says that I didn’t endure trauma and that I shouldn’t have ended up with PTSD.

But here’s the truth, I have experienced sexual assault that has permanently damaged me. I require a good amount of physical space from people, particularly men. I am constantly looking at the people in my life wondering who is going to assault me next, and when it’s going to happen. I have experienced abuse, both mentally and physically that has completely warped my perception of love and what it is supposed to be like. I may never have another healthy relationship again because of it. I hope and pray that isn’t the case though. I am extremely “jumpy.” I feel on edge constantly. I do not do well with others who raise their voices, yell at me, or come up behind me and scare me. I have experienced a situation within the church that I still to this day haven’t really accepted. It has permanently affected the way that I look at the church and it’s leaders. I am extremely terrified that I will never be able to attend church the way that I used to be because of it. I currently do not attend because if I don’t attend, it doesn’t give anyone else the chance to do what has already been previously done.

As a result of my trauma, I have an extreme and unrealistic fear of going anywhere in public alone. I am constantly aware that those who have traumatized me, will already be where I am attempting to go. It keeps me from going to the grocery store, so I often do not have an adequate amount of food in my house. It keeps me from casually walking into a gas station to pick up something. It keeps me from being the independent person I was raised to be. I am in constant fear that they will show up to where I work, so I’m never 100% comfortable in my workplace. 

Not only that, but the fact that people tell me that I can’t have PTSD or that I shouldn’t have PTSD just adds to the hurt and trauma. I already feel invalidated. I’ve felt invalidated since everything happened and I tried to speak up about them for the first time. On top of that, I’ve got people left and right telling me that I’m not allowed to have PTSD because I didn’t go to war and fight for our country. I am denied many of the services that veterans receive because of the fact that I’m not one of them. That isn’t their fault and I do not hold it against them. But it honestly down right sucks for people like me. I want my illness and the feelings and emotions and actions that come along with it to be validated just like theirs. 

Some days, I can’t eat at all, other days I eat way too much of my comfort food. I have terrible nightmares that interrupt my sleep constantly. I have flashbacks that are so debilitating; sometimes I can’t even function correctly afterwards. I have dissociative episodes several times a week. I can never rest. I can’t tell you the last time I actually felt relaxed. My mind is constantly in fight-or-flight mode, doing its best to protect me from those who have previously traumatized me and those who may traumatize me in the future. 

I have fought long and hard in my recovery journey. But I fight especially long and hard in my recovery from PTSD because of how debilitating the entire illness is. I have spent countless nights trying my best to fall asleep instead of listening to the intrusive thoughts or paying attention to the flashbacks. For a long time, I felt that I could not tell anyone what was really happening or how I was really feeling because of the stigma that surrounds PTSD. I am not allowed to have it, therefore, I cannot speak about it. I am expected to sit down and shut up about my trauma, because in reality, people don’t even see any of the events that have happened to me as traumatic. I am just some girl who “overreacted” to certain events in her life.

I have tried my best to keep finding the strength every single day to speak up about what has happened to me and why it has affected me the way that it has. I have apparently ruined the reputations of some of the people who have traumatized me. But part of being a survivor and not a victim, is speaking up against those who have traumatized you and not allowing them to keep you quiet. I have tried many, many different combinations of medications and I have put in many hours of therapy sessions that rip my heart out, but end up healing it in the end. I have had to try and fail before I could take a step forward. I’ve had to be painfully honest with my mental health providers, my family, and my friends. I have fought the stigma by being painfully honest. I’m sure half of them didn’t want to hear it, or even believe it. But by my speaking up, they understand more of PTSD and what traumatic events can do to people. I have had to put myself through more pain just to work through the initial pain. I have had to stop avoiding every personal, upsetting, and triggering question. The more I avoid, the more steps backward I take. I have to face those questions that I so desperately do not want to answer in order to make any kind of progress. The more questions people ask, the more I am able to think about the things I have tried so hard to bury deep. I can’t face any of those things if I continue to bury them.

I wish that I would have been able to stop PTSD in its tracks before it got out of hand. But I have to accept that I couldn’t, and so does society. I have done everything that I can to help myself improve and beat this illness. Society is going to have to see that, because I stopped shutting up about it a long time ago.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or textSTART to 741-741