#the amount of times i've told myself “you need this because your heart is beating fast so you are anxious even if you don't feel it”

[changetyre]

How long? II Lando Norris X Reader ⓈⒾ

SUMMARY: Finding your soulmate doesn't always include a happy ending.

WARNINGS: Angst Angst Angst with a sprinkle of fluff. Sickness, death.

A/N: This is a story I wrote a while ago for Wattpad and which I always loved but reading it back now there's been things I've wanted to adjust which is what I chose to do here ;)

Lando POV II 

"Tell me about her," she asked me passing me back our photo. 

I looked at it, my thumb grazing over her in the picture I kept in my wallet.

_____

Y/N POV II 

Lando and I've been together ever since I can remember. We met when we were only toddlers and became inseparable ever since. We both knew in our hearts how much we meant to each other, we knew that we couldn't live without each other. However, another part of us, and everyone around us, told us there would come a point where we'd meet other people.

And we did meet other people, in fact when I went to college and Lando joined F1 we both decided to try to date others and it was the most miserable time in both our lives. Which only reinforced our feelings, we were irrevocably in love.

We were aware that we were a very cheesy couple, the kind of people who just didn't care when people were around us and loved to show our love for one another no matter the time and/or place. We were the kind of couple to gift each other little things and have dinner dates every week. Land never failed to bring me flowers every weekend since we started dating.

Life felt like a dream when we were around each other, we literally felt like we were in the clouds, floating in our own bubble of love. But it didn't take long before it burst. 

Given the amount of time Lando and I had spent together we had discussed anything you could possibly imagine and despite some thinking this was a horrible and selfish thought, when Lando and I talked about losing one another, we always thought he would go first...simply because of his job.

What Lando didn't know though was that every night and every time Lando went on track I would pray, pray for his safety, pray for his health, pray that if one of us had to go...for it to be me...because I could simply not live a life without him...the single thought made me choke up. 

'Be careful what you wish for.'

One year ago I was diagnosed with Breast cancer. For some reason the news didn't come to me as much of a shock as I thought, it was like something in my mind and body had expected this, had somehow mentally prepared me for it. On the other hand, I could tell how much this devastated Lando, so much he'd set his mind on quitting F1 to care for me which I had to practically force him not to. 

We had caught it early on and I only needed a few weeks of chemotherapy. Luckily the news came at the end of Lando's season, he would be home and he wouldn't get distracted on track.

Chemo was worse than anyone had ever described to me, it felt like I'd been completely stripped away from my own body and I was miserable but I knew I had to get through it, I tried to keep a smile all the way through it, for Lando, but I knew he could see right through me and he had as many sleepless nights as I did through it all.

Finally the last week of Chemo, everything was better. Lando was certainly brighter than before although I could tell he was still worried, I could see it in his eyes. Every time I'd say I was tired, huff, breath abnormally, or complain about any sort of pain I could tell Lando's heart skipped a beat.

It annoyed me at first because he constantly hovered, but I never said anything and eventually, I understood. I knew that if I was in his shoes I'd be exactly the same and now I found myself wondering whether I'd wished for the right position to be in because even though I was in pain physically...Lando was in pain too, even more than I was...and it broke my heart to see him go through it.

Now I wanted the season to start more than ever so Lando could put his focus and worry somewhere else other than me, and even though I worried that he might have an accident because of all this distraction I knew how much he adored driving and it was what he needed. 

The start of the season went well, not as good as we expected but it was good enough and the boys still had the rest of the season left.

I was with Lando in Monaco for the race, I was so excited about having him race here in Monaco since we'd recently bought our apartment here and we hadn't been able to enjoy it because of my treatments. 

It seemed like things were finally getting back to normal, Lando and I were floating back up in the clouds again and we were finally finding our rhythm again...it was almost too good to be true. 

I was home making dinner for Lando and me, he'd texted he was almost home and I'd decided to make some food for us. The whole day I'd noticed I was particularly exhausted and I kept running out of breath doing simple things. I had just set the table when all of a sudden it felt like my lungs had disappeared.

I dropped to the ground in pain gasping with all my power for some air. I thought I was going to die right there and then all until I heard the door open.

"Y/N!" I heard Lando's panicked scream. "LOVE!"

He pulled me up and turned me towards him, I clutched my chest. "I can't breathe." I wheezed.

"SOMEONE HELP ME!" He screamed out.

And eventually, for me, everything went black.

__

I woke up on an all too familiar surface. I was in a hospital bed, all sorts of tubes and needles attached to me. I looked for Lando and saw he was outside talking to the doctor, I could see him through the window.

Lando was facing my way while the doctor's back was towards me. I could tell it was a serious conversation and as much as I tried to deny it I knew what was happening. The cancer was back...and this time it wasn't going away.

I saw the anger and pain in Lando's eyes as the doctor spoke to him, he argued. I imagined he kept asking for a solution that simply didn't exist. Lando held his tears in all until he locked eyes with me. I gave him a look letting him know it was okay, I knew and that was enough for him to break down.

The doctor simply patted his shoulder before walking away. Lando walked to the room wiping his tears away as best as he could. Once he came in I could tell he didn't know what to say.

"It's back-" he spoke in barely above a whisper. 

"I know baby." I opened my arms for him and he broke down in tears again. I cried with him, not because of my pain but because of his.

"How long?" I asked him after a few minutes.

Lando kept his head buried in my chest but I could feel him shaking his head.

"Baby how long?" I repeated the question.

His head finally rose up, his eyes were swollen and the tears just kept coming. "They're not sure, he says it could be 6 months or a week." Lando's voice broke at the last words before he buried his face in my chest once more except this time he wrapped his arms around me holding me tightly as if I could slip away at any second.

"I love you..." he wept "I'm so sorry." these last words shattered me.

"I'm sorry too...I love you." I whispered to him as I kissed the top of his head.

"Baby I'm scared-" he whispered into my chest. 

I didn't exactly know how to comfort him, I let Lando cry it out as much as he needed to while I tried to remain strong, I found myself pondering over how I felt, I wasn't scared but I was in pain, and I was so miserable for leaving Lando like this, we definitely didn't have enough time together.

___

The next morning once Lando had come back into my room with a cup of coffee I decided it was time to talk about the next step. I knew deep down Lando still wanted to push for a cure that simply didn't exist but I also knew I didn't want to spend another second stuck in these hideous grey walls.

"Baby I want to get out here," I spoke. I was prepared for a discussion.

Lando simply looked down and gave a shaky sigh. "I know...and I'll get you out." his lip quivered and I could see tears brimming up in his eyes again.

"You're not going to ask me to stay?" I needed confirmation.

Lando got up and walked over to me, he scooted me over and sat down on the bed. "The day I met you-" he took a deep breath trying to keep himself together. "I made a promise to myself that I would do everything in my power to make you happy no matter what-" a tear slipped down his cheek. "I hope you know that if it was possible I'd take your place right now because seeing you like this..." another tear fell down his cheek. "it's been hell." I placed my hand on his cheek caressing it, I was crying too. "But I know you better than anyone and I know that you're not the kind of person to go out in a hospital room and I know you want to do as much as you can before you-" he stopped himself and his breath hitched. He couldn't say it.

"You're right." I quickly said not wanting him to finish because I could tell how hard it was for him. "I want to spend every second I have left with you, with the people I love, out of here." His lip quivered again as more tears left his eyes.

"Let's go then." Lando got back up starting to pack my things.

The news spread through the F1 world fairly quickly and I was flooded with pitiful messages all over my social media. Lando's friends from work who I'd grown close to didn't know what to say when I showed up in the paddock with them for the Monaco GP. Most of them simply gave me glances that spoke a thousand words.

Carlos, Alex, George, and Charles had all been incapable of holding their tears back as they saw me, giving me a hug that only existed for these situations.

After the Monaco GP, Lando and I found ourselves going to our favorite spots within Monaco, I was tired, so tired and I could feel death inching closer every day but I held on, I held on because...I knew he wasn't ready...I wasn't ready.

One morning I woke up to find Lando had planned a whole day for us and it all started at home. I'd walked to the living room to find Lando had prepared a very scrumptious breakfast. And he'd decorated our balcony with roses and candles.

We walked to it and there Lando got down on one knee, pulling out a small black box, which he opened to reveal a ring. My hands flew up to my mouth, I had always dreamed of this day but certainly not like this.

"My dearest y/n, I've imagined this very day over a thousand times in my head and I've come up with hundreds of speeches for this very occasion but it seems none of them would work for what we're going through now." His voice broke. "You have been the first and only woman in my life I have ever loved, you have been my best friend since day one, you've been my rock, my world, my everything and I simply do not want to spend another day not being able to call you my wife...so y/n, my love will you marry me?" I could tell he sped up the last bit to hold his tears back.

"Yes." I let him slip the ring on my finger before he rose up and we engulfed each other in a deep kiss.

"Propose...check" he pretended to hold a list and checked off the first point making me laugh.

"So what's next my fiancé," I asked him.

"Well, why don't we get going and I'll show you...my fiancé." he gave me another kiss.

Lando took me shopping for a bit before he drove us both back home. I'd noticed something else had been set up and once I walked into our room I found a wedding dress hanging in our closet. I gasped admiring the dress, it was simple but beautiful.

"Pietra helped me pick it out for you, we tried getting a more over-the-top one but apparently you can't just buy dresses like that overnight." he shrugged.

"It's beautiful." you admired the dress.

"Well you better get dressed, and I'll do the same. I'm going to get dressed somewhere else and when the time comes your driver will be here." he winked.

"Wait what?" I was confused.

"Just be ready in 2 hours...I love you." he gave me a quick peck on the lips before walking out. I got dressed and ready as best as I could with the time I had left, I did a simple hairstyle, partly because I was never good at doing my hair and partly because I barely had the strength to keep my arms up for longer than 3 seconds. 

20 minutes before the 2 hours were up I heard a knock at the door. I opened it and Pietra, Alexandra, Lily, and Carmen were all standing there in matching dresses. You looked at them confused but on the brink of tears because of how beautiful they looked.  "Did I die already?" I joked, and they laughed but I could tell the thought pained them. 

"You look beautiful." P had to pat her eyes as she looked at me. I had naturally grown closest to her because of the brotherhood between Max and Lando. 

"Thank you for doing this?" I had to hold my tears back too. 

"Let's go." Alex and Lily extended their hands out for me and I took them walking out with them. We walked downstairs and Carlos was waiting in an Aston Martin DB6 Volante, that had been decorated with white flowers. 

We arrive at the beach to find it prepared for a ceremony, all of Lando's friends from the paddock and his friends from Quadrant were there, as well as both our parents. I just about started crying there and then. 

I got out of the car and Carlos stood there offering me his arm guiding me to one end of the carpet that had been rolled out. I saw Lando at the other end and tears quickly brimmed my eyes. As soon as he laid eyes on me it didn't take him half a second before he started crying too, Max Fewtrell quickly stepped in to hand him a handkerchief even though he was shedding a few tears too.

Without You by Harry Nilson started playing, and it was enough for me to let my tears run free. Carmen handed me a bouquet of roses and I began walking down the aisle, and for some reason, all my strength seemed to leave me right there and then. 

I stumbled causing everyone to try to jump forward to grab me, My mom caught me, I could see the concern and the pain in her eyes but she also understood I needed to keep going. She wrapped her arm around my waist and helped me down the aisle. 

And now it's only fair that I should let you know what you should know...I can't live, if living is without you...I can't live, I can't give anymore. 

The song reached this part just as I reached him, he wrapped his arms around me, letting his forehead rest on mine. 

"You look beautiful." he sniffled. 

I placed my hand on his cheek before placing a gentle kiss to his forehead. "Let's get married," I whispered to him. 

The ceremony was short, Lando had wanted to arrive at the vows quickly and once we did he pulled out a sheet of paper, a tear was already rolling down his cheek. 

"My best friend, my rock, my first love, my only love, my life, my world, my everything, these words don't come remotely close to describing what you are to me. I hope you know I consider myself the luckiest man on earth to have met you, to have loved you, to have cared for you, and to have married you-" he chocked up. "But although I thought it was impossible...as much as I feel the luckiest man...I feel the unluckiest too." he looked up to meet my eyes completely distraught. "It's unfair the world is taking you away from me when our love story has only just begun, all the dreams, all the plans, all the promises I have yet to fulfill to you will stay here while you will go." he gulped down, he had a knot in his throat. "I will cherish, love, and protect you for the rest of the time we have left together, I will continue bringing you flowers every weekend, I'll wake you up with kisses in the morning, I'll make you smile and laugh every day, and most importantly I will, with all my power, do my best to keep you happy." he finished. 

I leaned forward giving him a long kiss on the cheek, now it was my turn and since this was all unexpected I hadn't prepared anything but already had enough to say. 

"My Lando...you have made me the happiest woman on earth since the day I met you. You are the most loyal, hardworking, loving, fun man I have ever known and I consider myself the luckiest woman on earth to have fallen in love with you. And the luckiest woman for you will be the first, last, and only man I will ever love." Lando's lips quivered as I said those words, a sob escaping his lips. "I will forever be sorry that we didn't get more time together, that I couldn't give you what we had so long hoped for, a life, kids, to grow old together." I cleared my throat having to compose myself. "I wish there was more I could do to keep you happy in the time I have left my darling, I can't promise you much, but I promise that I will love you with every fiber of my body and soul until my last breath." I ended. 

We were pronounced husband and wife and Lando pulled me in for a long deep kiss, mixed with both our tears. 

It was the most perfect day of my life, surrounded by so much love from our families and friends, surrounded by so much happiness. Once the moon was out and the tide started rising things started getting packed up but Lando and I decided to take a walk along the beach. 

We walked in silence, simply appreciating and cherishing each other's company. Once we were nearing the end of the beach I had to speak about what was on my mind. 

"Lando." I started. 

"No." he immediately replied. 

"Baby-" I was going to keep going. 

"I know what you're going to say and you can't ask me that-" he spoke softly but I could hear the anger and hurt in his voice. 

"Lando listen to me please-" I stopped making Lando turn to me. He looked down and he was crying silent tears. "After I'm gone I need you to promise me you will keep going no matter how hard or painful it is...I want you to give your career 1000% percent like you always have...and someday whenever you're ready I want you to find someone who will make you happy, who will take care of you, who you will fall in love with and start a family with-" I spoke clearly, this was a thought I'd head since the first time I'd found out I was sick. 

"No, I can't." He replied sniffling. 

"Yes you can and you will," I assured him. 

"How will I ever love someone as I love you..." he locked eyes with me. 

"I'm not asking you to love someone as you love me. But you will learn to love again, I just want you to promise you will not shut yourself out, you need to keep going...for me." I walked up to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, with one hand I wiped the tears from under his eyes. 

He looked at me unsure and simply nodded, I knew he didn't mean it right now but it was as much reassurance as I would get from him for now. 

"I'll never find anyone like you." He spoke once we'd started walking back. 

"Maybe not, but you will find someone, there's plenty of women out there Lando, amazing, beautiful, incredibly talented women and I'm sure there's someone else for you." the mood had livened up a little bit. 

____

LANDO POV II 

The next morning I woke up...she didn't. She'd passed in her sleep, in my arms. A smile was still on her lips. I knew she was gone but I still tried to wake her, I still needed her to wake up.

I was inconsolable for months after her death, and my friends and my family had to help me back to my feet. Literally, because it was as though all my strength, all my will to live had died with her that day.

"She made me promise her that I would find someone else, that I'd fall in love again." I stifled a laugh remembering our walk at the beach. 

"She sounds like an amazing woman." She commented. She had a very genuine smile. 

"She was...I never met anyone like her." I sighed, that ache in my heart was still very present but bearable now.

_____________

Bonus A/N: 

If it serves as any consolation I cried my eyes out writing this story. . 

[fizzyapplecandy]

The one with the female vampire

Ateez Yunho X Fem vampire reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Strangers to Lovers

6.7k words

There are lots of stories featuring the boys as vampires and other supernatural creatures, so I decided to spin this story around. I'm not sure if this will be a one shot, or a few additional chapters. I'll look at the feedback and see if you want some more. :)

This is also my first story, so be prepared.

Enjoy loves X

Myths were always supposed to stay just that - myths. Made up stories to scare children when they refuse to go to bed on time. Legends, depending on the era they are told in, make people behave and follow rules so that they don't end up doing things they aren't supposed to.

I was once a firm non - believer. Those stories only served as a laughing stock. It was different in 1855. People were getting more and more convinced in the presence of the supernatural.

Werewolves, witches, and most of all - vampires. If you asked me back then what I thought about those bogus stories, I would call you insane and laugh right at your face.

However, now, in 2024. I'd kindly remind you not to get on my nerves unless you want me to bite the crap out of your jugular vein.

I was a normal person up until 1855. One day I was walking through the snow, gathering whatever wood I could for a simple fire, the next I was tearing apart an innocent farm house owner along with his wife and two kids. Morbid, I know.

I've learned to control my urges over the 169 years I've been around. Nowadays, I feed from bloodbags and a couple furry animals I find in the forest. It's less tasty, but hey, it keeps me from going on a murderous rampage.

Being as old as I am, I got around the world a lot. From America to Africa, a decent amount of Islands, as well as the cold, hard Arctic. Now I find myself in my own library in Seoul, South Korea.

The perks of being a vampire is the unlimited amount of fortune I've accumulated in the Swis bank. It was more than enough to open up this place and fill it with my collection of antique texts. There are a few knick knacks from museums as well, borrowed (with the use of my compelling charm) from various museums over the years.

I'm quite proud of this place, as I've established a good clientele. I'm even more proud today, as a handsome man enters through the door.

He walks past the counter, going straight to the supernatural section of the library. Twenty minutes later, he is still going around in circles like an idiot.

"Hey there, need some help with something?"

He jumps a bit and turns around. He's even more charming up close with his big brown eyes and plush lips.

His slender fingers push up the rim of his glasses.

"Hey, yeah... I seem to be a bit lost. You see, I'm trying to find this book for my friend, but I have no clue what I'm looking for. So, yeah, help would be appreciated."

I could hear his heart beating rapidly, along with his veins pulsating. He was nervous. If I was a normal person, the rubbing of his sweaty palms on his pants would be a dead giveaway.

"Shoot away then. What are you looking for exactly? I see you went straight to my supernatural section. So, what will it be?"

He took out a crumpled peace of paper from his pocket and cleared his throat.

"Well, my friend Wooyoung wrote down some things this book should contain. We don't know what it looks like. It should have something about the first original vampire, as well as ways to control the transformation. Something like that. I know it sounds crazy, but he's been hellbent about finding this."

He hands me the paper.

"I think it's because he's been watching too many scary movies. He gets obsessed easily. So, yeah, that's it. Do you have something like this here?"

I looked at the scrambled notes and nodded. I knew what he was talking about. There is only one book that contains the original story about the first vampire, and although vague, it gives an insight about the history. The only copy of it is one the top shelf in my library.

Don't ask me how I got it.

I turned around on my high heels and reached above me to pull it out. It's leather bound, kept in pristine condition for centuries with the help of a little witch magic.

"This is 'The Original Story'. It contains everything your friend wants to know. Give this to him, it will settle his curiosity."

As I reached out to hand it to him, our fingers brushed. The spark of electricity was undeniable. I saw it on his face too. The wide eyes, the opened mouth. I quickly retracted my hand and cleared my throat.

"All we have to do now is get you into the system and you'll be able to borrow more books in the future. Come with me."

I stepped around him and bolted to my desk. He followed after with a starstruck expression. It took him a second to compose himself. He fumbled around his backpack and took out his ID, handing it to me.

"Jeong Yunho, is it? It fits you." I smiled and handed him the ID back after putting everything in my computer.

"Yeah, that's me. And you are?"

"Y/N. Y/N Y/L." I could see the surprise on his face.

"Wow, haven't heard of that one in a while. It's really pretty. It kind of suits you."

If I had the ability to blush, I probably would.

"Thank you, Yunho. Enjoy your light reading. I hope it has all of your answers."

He smiled and turned around. Hit the door at a high speed as well.

"Are you okay?" I chuckled.

"Yeah. Embarrassed, but okay. Bye now before I do something even more stupid."

With that, he was out of the door and speeding down the sidewalk. My smile wasn't gone though.

.

.

.

A few days have passed since my encounter with Yunho. Honestly, I haven't been able to stop thinking about our almost magical touch. It was something I haven't felt before, and I've fucked my way through life.

None of those touches could compare to our fingertips touching. I've ransacked my library in hopes of finding an answer, but I came up empty handed.

Just as I was sipping on my coffee (blood concealed in a takeaway cup), somebody cleared their throat. I seriously have to instal a bell above the door.

"Hey there Y/N. How's it going?"

"Yunho, hey! Not so bad. What are you up to?"

He took out the book he borrowed out of his backpack and put it on the counter.

"Well, I've spent the last couple of days trying to find my answers, but this book confuses me. Wooyoung hasn't been helpful either, given he only reads ramen instructions and the occasional porn magazine. Oh..."

I chuckled and watched him turn as red as a tomato.

"Yeah, that was stupid of me to say, sorry. Anyways, I was hoping maybe you could help me? You seem to know your way with books better than I do. Given the library and all."

"Don't you worry buddy. You've come to the right person for this, believe me. Follow me to the sofa."

The library wasn't as full given then we were an hour before closing time. We sat next to each other, and he pulled out a notepad along with a pencil.

"So, there are a few questions in particular he is curious about. He wants to know the begining of the story, and the first vampire. How they feed, how they live, how they supposedly die. Those were the main points of interest."

He flipped through the pages and sighed.

"I've tried getting an answer but everything is so confusing."

I took the book and opened the first page.

"You see Yunho, the book won't help you if your thoughts are scattered. Lucky for you, I have it memorised. You want to hear the legend about the first undead creation?"

He nodded and opened a blank page.

"There was this noble man a couple centuries ago. He had an assortment of wives, as well as an obsession with drinking their blood. He thought it would make him younger and prolong his mortal life. He was stil human at the time."

His eyes widened and I could see him try to swallow a lump in his throat.

"Well, one day after being fed up with acting as a blood bag, one of the wives poisoned his food. He died shortly after in his sleep. They held a burrial deep in the woods, left the grave unmarked and continued on with their lives. Funny thing is, he aimed for eternity, but went to his early grave. Even funnier, his name began with 'Earl' something."

He let a small smile grace his face

"Until one day, a group of hunters witnessed something unbelievable."

I flipped the page and it showed a vague representation of what those pore hunters had seen.

"They couldn't believe their eyes. Right there on the hilltop was the deceased nobleman, drinking blood from one of his wives. Well, ex wives. Eyes as red as the liquid trickling down her neck, and his mouth."

I flipped the page again.

"Three days after, half of the village was dead, the other half turned into vampires."

I sighed and prepared myself to answer another one of his questions. He was immersed in his writing, listening to my every word.

"The only way for a person to become a vampire is to indigest some of their blood before they die. The villagers were attacking him with knives and pitchforks, breaking the skin on his hands and letting the black blood flow freely. He grabbed them by the mouth, and it got into their bloodstream before he drained them."

He stopped for a second and looked over his notes.

"Okay, I get the story. I assume the other vampires made other ones and it went on like that?"

I nodded.

"They figured out how to turn people along the line. They made up covens and separated around the world. At least, that what the legend says."

I had to put in a bit of reality for him because it was getting too believable at this point.

"I get it. But how did people not know about them? Don't they shine in the Sun, or burn? How could they miss it?"

I shook my head in disbelief.

"You humans and your vampire movies. This is not a Twilight fantasy novel where Edward sparkles in the Sun. Be realistic. The Sun doesn't affect them as much as it did in the begining. Vampires only weaken in the daylight. They can easily blend in. The only way you would recognize one is by looking into their eyes when they let the dark side out. Stronger ones have pitch black, newer have a distinct shade of crimson."

He diligently took down every word I was saying. I could tell it piqued his interest as well.

"Okay, got that. Tell me, how do they eat? Is it strictly human blood? Do they... Die, if they don't eat? Like humans?"

I sighed again. Those TV shows and movies got it all wrong.

"A vampire is a living dead person. According to every book known in the world, if you are dead you don't eat. The main source is blood, it only keeps them strong. Animal or human, it doesn't matter. Although, animal blood can't fend them for long. They can eat human food, but it won't mean anything."

"Then how does a vampire die? How do you... Kill it?"

That was the question I dreaded the most. It kind of hurt how much he was interested in the answer.

"Well... There are two ways to take down a vampire. The obvious one is by taking a wooden stake to their heart. The other doesn't kill them, more like incapacitates them so that you can land the final blow. There is an herb called vervain, and it's tough to find. It was used in older times to figure out who wasn't human."

I showed him a picture of the faded purple plant and he nodded.

"I get it. Okay, I think that's about it." He turned towards me and smirked a bit. "You know your way around vampires, it's impressive."

I chuckled and closed the book.

"Well, when you own a library mainly based on supernatural fiction, you find yourself full of knowledge about it."

Our eyes met briefly and I could still see the curiosity running through them. I stood up and went back to my counter.

"Oh my God, look at that. It dark outside. Sorry Y/N, I've overstayed my welcome here. This was really helpful."

I glanced at the clock and was shocked to find it was almost two hours after closing. The place was empty besides us.

"Hey, it's no big deal. I love to be of help in any way. I hope your friend will be satisfied with the answers."

"I hope so, too. He hasn't been himself lately. I find us growing apart day by day, and I don't like it. I know I'm rambling about something that doesn't interest you probably, sorry."

He put his head down and I could sense his unease.

"I want to know what bothers you Yunho. I consider you an acquaintance now. That's one step closer to friends I'd say."

The laught he let out sounded like one of relief. He notices my coffee cup (full of blood) and points at it. It was now my turn to feel uneasy.

"Your coffee got cold because of me. Sorry about that. I'll make it up to you."

I waved him away.

"No big deal, I like it cold anyway. By the way, if you need anything else, you know where to find me."

He nodded and grabbed the doorknob, without hitting the door like last time.

"Thank you Y/N. You're an angel, really. I'll see you around."

It almost felt as if my heart started and stopped beating all over again. Angel? Oh Yunho...

He was out of the door in a second, and I knew he was flustered again. Nevertheless, I waved as I watched him walk down the street for the second time this week.

Only this time, I knew I was in deep trouble.

.

.

.

The next morning I was browsing through the old book Yunho returned when I heard my newly installed bell ring. The man was handsome, abeit a bit short. His long black hair fell over his eyes and there was a little mole underneath one eye. Not a bad sight to see at ten o' clock.

"Hey there, how can I help you?"

"Hi. I'm looking for Y/N. I assume that's you. Listen, you may know me as Yunho's friend. I know you as the only other vampire in town, aside from the lunatic that turned me."

My hand flicking through the pages stopped.

"What in God's name are you talking about?"

I stood up and he hurried to the counter.

"Please Y/N. I don't have anybody else to talk to. I'm going out of my mind here."

I looked around the sitting area, fortunately sparce with customers. I turned towards him and grabbed his hand.

"Come with me."

I dragged him to the back of the supernatural section and tried to compose myself.

"How on Earth do you know what I am?"

He took a moment before he answered.

"I hoped you knew more about vampires than you told Yunho. Calling you one was a shot in the dark. However, when you count in all of the things you told him, some not even available on the internet, I knew you were different."

He took another deep breath.

"I need your help with controling these urges. Yunho probably hates me because I've been avoiding him for two months. That's pretty hard because we live together. We've known each other for twenty years, but I have this incredible urge to tear his neck appart with my teeth."

My eyes bled black and my hands were holding him by his throat against the shelves in an instant.

"You haven't done anything to him, have you? Believe me, I will rip your heart out and shove it down your throat in a second."

Wooyoung tried shaking his head, but he couldn't from my grip. I let him go and he crumbled to the floor. He started coughing, clawing at his throat in the process.

"No... God no! I had to bite three homeless people just last week so that I could come home and avoid him. I would personally kill myself if I let anything happen to him."

I nodded and crouched down to meet his gaze.

"What do you want then? I don't want him in danger, you've gathered as much."

"Okay, this may sound crazy to you, but I need you to come with us to a college bash on Saturday. I can't go there myself, not with too many people around. Yunho and I are at a breaking point. This anual bash is our tradition, this is the last year we can attend. He told me if I don't go with him he'll take that as the ending of our friendship. I can't let him down anymore Y/N. Please."

"Listen, and listen good pretty boy. I'm doing this for Yunho. I could care less if you went on a rampage, I just don't want him caught in the crossfire. Tell me the place and time and I'll be there."

He smiled as he stood up. I followed his movements.

"Believe me, I get it. I finally know why he hasn't stopped talking about you. You're hot as fuck when your mad."

I rolled my eyes and went around him.

"Keep dreaming, pretty boy. As you can tell, my cold heart has been stolen by your best friend."

If he wasn't a vampire, he would be classified as a puppy by the way he was following me.

"Yunho will deliver you all of the important details, don't worry. And hey, a guy could only dream. Besides, he's my best friend, I don't fuck with that."

I nodded as I watched him put his hood up before he opened the door. He pointed at it.

"The Sun is a pain in my ass. Anyways, see you on Saturday Y/N. Expect your boyfriend to stop by soon."

"He's not my..." He was out of the door before I could finish my sentence.

.

.

.

True to Wooyoung's word, Yunho showed up the next morning holding two coffees, one iced, the other hot, in a cup holder.

"Good morning Y/N. How have you been?"

If my heart was still beating, it would stop seeing his smile, directed right at me.

"Hey there. Not bad I might say. How about you? What brings you here? Antoher supernatural adventure?"

He chuckled and put the cups on the counter.

"Believe it or not, I don't want anything to do with the supernatural for a while." My smile dimmed a bit, but I brushed it off quickly.

"What is it then?"

"Well, I'm here to deliver you a new coffee, iced as I remember you liked it cold. And, um... I know Wooyoung's been here. He told you about the bash I assume?"

I took the coffee and held it in my hands. Vampires can indigest human food, but it mostly tastes like concrete. Don't ask me how I know to compare the two. Nevertheless, I took a sip, not wanting to make it suspicious.

Yep, cold, hard, concrete.

"He did. I was surprised at first, but I heard it means a lot to you. To be fair, I was waiting on you to fill me in. That's what a date should do I suppose?"

He flushed a bright red and adjusted his glasses.

"Well, yeah. I, um... I didn't think you would consider it a date, to be honest. I thought Wooyoung might one up me with that. But, yeah. I want you to go as my date, if you don't have anything better to do."

"Well, buddy boy, you're in luck. Aside from this library, my social life is pretty boring. And I won't oppose to a date with a handsome fellow like you."

Yunho got progressively more red as I kept on talking, or flirting my way around him. It felt good to see my impact on him.

"Well then, it's settled. It's on Saturday, which you knew already. It's at the big mansion a couple of miles from our campus. It's been passed down in the family, and our friend Hongjoong is the owner now."

I nodded as I scrabbled my address and phone number on a piece of paper. Handing it over to him I could see the confusion in his expression.

"This is my address and phone number. How can you know where to pick me up, silly? And I need to know more details by Saturday. I have to plan the best outfit for a college bash, God knows I haven't been to one in ages."

"You graduated already?"

I opened and closed my mouth. "Something like that."

"Okay then, it's settled. I hope you won't mind having Wooyoung come with us. I'm the one with the car."

I shook my head. "I don't mind at all, as long as I'm in the passanger seat."

His wide smile matched my own. "That can be arranged."

We looked at each other for some time before his flushed cheeks for the better of him.

"Well, I'll get going now. Enjoy your coffee Y/N. I'll see you on Saturday."

With that he stumbled his way out of the door, basking in the morning sunlight.

It's a shame my cold body couldn't join him in the pleasures.

.

.

.

Saturday rolled around faster than I expected, and here I was obsessing over what to wear. I haven't had this problem for litteral decades. Then again, I haven't been infatuated with a person as much as I am with Yunho.

He's used to seeing me in heels, jeans, sweaters and tight tops. However, tonight I'm pulling all of the stops.

With my blood-red dress, black strappy sandals with a killer heel, and the most expensive golden earrings on, I was more than ready. The perks of being a vampire is our natural beauty is enhanced after we turn. So, I know I'm radiating even more.

Yunho has been texting me non stop for the past couple of days. Texts turned into calls, which later became FaceTime calls. It was nice seeing him all relaxed, with his comfy pyjamas and black rimmed glasses.

What I also enjoyed was flustering him with my lacy tanks and satin nightgowns. I could see his flushed cheeks even with the bedroom light off.

Thinking about our late night talks almost made me miss the doorbell ringing. With one last look in the mirror, I was ready for this wild, college bash ride.

"Coming!" My heels clacked against the floor as I picked up my black handbag from the rack.

The door swung open and there he stood in all of his handsome glory, alongside a grining Wooyoung.

"Well hello there Y/N. You almost made my heart stop. Baby, you are on fire!"

Wooyoung winked at his own internal joke, but it made Yunho snap out of his trance. He ran his hand trough his brown locks and cleared his throat. He was wearing a black button down, top three buttons off, sleeves rolled up. The sliver of skin was enough to make me salivate. The veins on his arms were enought to make me go hungry.

"Hey Y/N. Wow... You look.... Just wow."

"Way to go big boy, your vocabulary is immaculate." Wooyoung jabbed him in the ribs and Yunho looked down at his shoes.

I glared at the shorter boy and smiled and Yunho.

"Thank you, buddy boy. I got dressed up all for you. Now, boys, we have a party to go to. Come on!"

Before he could react to my comment I was out of the door and down the steps to the exit. They followed after me as we stepped outside.

Yunho took the lead and opened his passanger door for me.

"Here you go Y/N."

"Thanks.... How nice of you to... -" "Hey that's my seat!"

If it weren't for my strength, I would be on my ass glaring up at this stupid, stupid boy.

"Knock it off Woo, it's hers for tonight."

The tone in Yunho's voice surprised the both of us. Shy, demure Yunho, being all manly? That did some things to me, not gonna lie.

"Okay, okay. I'll let her have it, but just for tonight! The things I do for young love!"

With his hands in the air, he let our a laugh before climbing into the backseat. Yunho shook his head and helped me sit as well. He walked around and hopped in beside me, turning the engine on and putting one hand on the wheel.

"Okay so the plan for tonight - get there, get drunk, then... Well that's all I've got."

The three of us laughed together.

"That's a smart and well thought out plan Woo." Yunho shook his head and turned on the radio to drown out the sound of his best friend.

"You do look really beautiful tonight Y/N. Sorry about my word vomit before. You kind of caught me off guard."

Getting shy is not my thing, but hearing him say it like that made me question if I, in fact, am bashful.

"Thank you. I must say, you look dashing as well. Black really is your colour." I winked and enjoyed his already flushed cheeks.

"Not to interrupt you lovebirds over there, but I think you missed a turn."

"Shoot."

After some driving around, we finally got to the place. I must say, college kids nowadays go all out on these things. The house was lit up and there was music blasting to the max. I could see couples making out along the walls, underaged teens sneaking their way in, and oh is that a beer keg thing? Boy, I'm too old for this.

"Come on people, let's party!" Wooyoung was out of the door before the engine was off.

"Is he always this energetic?" I turn to Yunho as I point in the direction his friend went in.

"Always. I think he was born a nuisance and stayed like that. You know, for once I'm glad he's like that. He hasn't been himself lately, and seeing him so enthusiastic gives me hope."

I smiled at the poor boy, feeling sorry he had no clue about the truth. In the end, this is why I'm supposed to be here. I need to keep an eye out for Wooyoung.

"Well then let's join him. You only live once, after all."

He smiled and we went up the steps leading to the grand entrance. It was packed with half-naked, grinding bodies. One of those bodies belonging to a person I hoped to never see again in my immortal life. He was still the same as 50 years ago. It didn't help that he noticed me, too. With a grin in his face,he made his was through the crowd and in front of me.

"Y/N Y/L. What a pleasure to see a familiar face."

"Seonghwa."

His black hair was longer now, bound by a hair tie. But his expression was the same as I remember. Same smug smile, droopy eyes and red painted lips.

Yunho stood confused for a second, noticing my trance. His hand took mine and if he hadn't squeezed me, I would still be as still as stone.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Seonghwa's eyes went to our hands and he smirked.

"My, my... You with a human? I must say, you surprise me Y/N."

Yunho for even more confused.

"Do you know this guy? What is he talking about?"

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it. Can you go get us some drinks? I promise I'm okay. Seonghwa's an... old friend of mine. Haven't seen him in ages."

"You're sure?" He squeezed my hand and I finally looked up at him.

"Yeah... Yes. Go buddy boy, I'll be right behind you."

He nodded, and with one last glance at Seonghwa, he was gone.

"So Y/N, baby. What is this about?"

My hard gaze caught his mischievous one.

"Do not call me that. You lost that privilege when you abandoned me to chase your own ambitions of becoming vampire royalty. And what the hell are you doing here anyways?"

He frowned for a second before putting himself together again.

"Hongjoong is a good friend of mine. I turned him a year ago when some freak stabbed him in an alley. Since then we've become like family. He has a hard time adjusting to vampire life, so I'm here to help."

He looked into my eyes.

"I know you are here on babysitting duty. That Wooyoung guy was collateral damage on one of Hongjoong's feedings gone wrong."

My eyes widened.

"You turned him? Is this what you do now? Turning innocent people for fun?"

Seonghwa's gaze hardened.

"You know I hate doing that more than anything. You know that best. I had to help them, I couldn't leave them be."

I was about to say something nasty to him when Yunho cađe back with two cups. He handed one to me.

"I didn't know if you liked alcohol so I got us some punch. Which is heavily infused with alcohol, a mistake I noticed right now actually."

He scratched at his head and gave me one of those bashful smiles again.

"Thank you, Yunho. I love punch...- " "Actually, she prefers red wine over anything else, but I suppose this will do. Enjoy yourselves kids. Glad seeing you again Y/N, you're as beautiful as I remember."

He out his cup in the air as a greeting and he was gone before I could blink.

"Wow, he's an asshole."

My eyes widened at the insult coming out of his mouth. How didn't I notice before...

"Yunho, did you have some punch before you came back?"

He nodded, a bit sloppy.

"Yeah, well... My nerves got the best of me so I chuged two cups. Did I mention I was a lightweight? No, probably not. Did I also mention that you look like an angel tonight? A red, hot, angel."

His bloodshot eyes reminded me this wouldn't be a conversation we'd be having if it weren't for the punch. But hey, a girl's gotta work with something.

"A red, hot angel? Can't say I've heard that before. Come on buddy boy, we need to find your pretty friend before he does something stupid."

"Hey how come you call him pretty? All I get is buddy." His little drunk pout was irresistible.

"Don't you worry. Wooyoung has got nothing on your handsome face. Don't get me started about your body." I winked and took his hand to lead him through the house. When I turned around all I could see was a goofy, but satisfied smile.

Not long after we found the troublemaker drinking from a vodka bottle, perched on top of the counter. He smiled widely when he noticed us.

"Well hey there lovebirds. How's it going? I drank my bodyweight in liqour but I can't feel a thing. Crazy, right? I suppose this is what comes with being..."

I put my hand over his mouth before he could finish the sentence.

"Hey Wooyoung, why don't we all head out for a bit. Since I know alcohol can lower your tolerance for different... Things."

He nodded and hopped down to his feet. My 'loverboy' was fast on our trail, although a bit pouty I let him go.

Once we stepped outside, the music wasn't so loud on mine and Wooyoung's poor ears. Yunho was in the background singing along happily. At least someone could enjoy it.

"I don't feel so good Y/N. I thought I could handle it, but I can't."

"You have to learn to fight it Woo. It won't be easy, but you have to resist. Remember that this is something you'll have to live with for eternity. It should be something you can control, not what controls you. You can do it, I know you..."

There was only one thing that could stop me mid sentence, even after a hundred years of practice.

Blood.

And by the smell of it, Yunho's.

"Aw man, I scraped my elbow on the wall. Clumsy me as always. Hey guys, you don't think I can die from this?"

Now, I've had my fair share of temptations, but I've got years of practice. I could see Wooyoung's eyes turning a crimson colour.

"Y/N. I want to bite him. I have to. The smell..."

"No, you don't. Listen to me Woo, you have to turn around and run. Please. You have to listen to me."

He shook his head and grabbed at his hair.

"No, no, no... I can't. Oh my God, I want to kill him."

I slapped him across the face.

"Listen to me you big baby. You think this is going to get any easier? It won't! You have to learn to control it. Ground it. Step on that desire. This is Yunho we are talking about. Sweet, funny, clumsy Yunho. Your best friend."

He closed his eyes and gulped. I could see the painful grip he had on himself.

"Y/N? Hey, is everything okay with Woo? I know I stumbled a bit, but I'm okay. Here I'll show you!"

"No, Yunho stay where..."

Everything happened in a second. Yunho took two steps forward and Wooyoung snapped.

He pushed past me at high speed and grabbed Yunho by the neck. I could see the shock sobering him up.

"Wooyoung! Let him go, now!"

"I can't Y/N. I can't! I have to eat!"

"No, please, Wooyoung! No!"

Before long, his fangs went into Yunho's neck. I pulled him off as quickly as I could and Yunho's body slumped to the floor.

"Let me go, please! I have to eat!" There were tears flowing down his face as he pleaded with me to let him go.

I could hear Yunho's shallow breaths as he laid on the ground. I couldn't let go of Wooyoung, but Yunho's situation wasn't any better. I was about to panic when Seonghwa appeared before me.

"Go save your boyfriend Y/N. I'll handle Wooyoung."

"He's not my... You know what, thank you. Please, be careful with him."

"I will, I promise."

I quickly ran toward the boy who got my cold heart beating and saw his face. He looked like he was asleep.

"Hey buddy boy, it's going to be okay. I'll make sure you're safe. Come on baby boy, you can do it."

I picked him up and leaned his weight on my side. Seonghwa and Wooyoung were long gone.

.

.

.

The night was hell. I took Yunho to my apartment and hooked him up to an IV I kept for when I accidentally fed on someone too much. He was laying in my room, covered with a blanket. He looked peaceful like this.

I couldn't help the guilt eating away at me. If I hadn't moved to this town, then Seonghwa wouldn't have tried to find me. It's always like that with us, but I think even he knows after last night, we are officially done.

I was too deep into my thoughts to notice Yunho's eyes opening.

"One hell of a party, was it?"

My head shot up to look into his eyes. He had a small smile on his face.

I sat beside him and put a hand on his cheek.

"Hey buddy boy, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. A bit tired and sore, but I know how I am when I drink. I didn't ruin anything for you, did I? I don't remember much after..."

He got quiet all of the sudden.

"After what Yunho?"

He swallowed.

"After Woo bit me."

The room grew cold in an instant.

"I saw you throwing him off of me. I also heard you talking about blood? It's all jumbled. Although I get it now. Your knowledge about the supernatural, it's beyond any book we've found."

I couldn't look him in the eyes. I was too scared, for the first time in my immortal life.

"I... Yunho... You are too smart for your own good."

He nodded.

"Yeah, I know that."

He saw my hands had gone back to my lap, so he reached over and grabbed them with his warm ones.

"I'm not mad at you, or Wooyoung. I get that you couldn't tell me. Doesn't mean I'm not butt-hurt about it. I am more upset that our night was ruined because I wanted to tell you something."

I locked eyes with him and instead of hatred, all I could see was...

"I like you Y/N. You and your brain, full of knowledge. Your strut in those heels. The way you smile, the way you smirk. Your big eyes, which apparently change colour. But most of all, I love that you helped me even with my awkward self almost crying of embarrassment."

"Oh, Yunho. You have no idea how much I've wanted to tell you the same thing. I like your smile, I like your big round, kind eyes. I love your clumsy nature. You've become someone very dear to me."

He squeezed both of my hands and sat up in the bed.

"Y/N. I'm going to kiss you now."

All I could do was nod.

His plump lips were on mine in a second. If our simple touch contained sparks, this kiss was full of fireworks. I couldn't stop myself from pulling him even closer by holding his face.

He seemed to have the same idea, and put me in his lap, arms circling around my waist.

We got a bit carried away, and the kisses soon turned desperate. Only when I heard him wince did I stop abruptly.

"Sorry baby, my neck hurts a bit more than I thought."

"Baby? Oh my... Sorry, yeah, we'll stop."

He smiled and kissed my forehead.

"I guess I'll have to get used to having a vampire girlfriend from now on."

Wait, what?

"Girlfriend?"

"Yeah, well, unless you don't want that?"

"Oh hell yeah I want that!"

He chuckled and pulled me closer, laying my head on his chest.

"Thank you Y/N. I can't wait to take you out on a real, not so bloody date."

I smiled into his chest.

"Yeah, me too."

.

.

.

One year later

"Woo, I swear to God, if you as much as drop one book I will snap your neck."

"Okay boss, I get it. Precious antiques and all."

"Don't make my girlfriend mad Woo, she's stronger than you."

"Yeah, yeah I get it."

He left to rearrange the new books he brought back with Seonghwa after their last trip. My ex has been helpful in training the newborn, because I have my hands full with another one.

"Baby, where do you keep your coffee cups with the lids?"

"Under the desk Yun, you know that."

He came up behind the desk with three cups and a bag of blood.

"Yeah, but you know me. This newborn brain gets me muddled."

He begged me to change him after our six-month anniversary. I had to think about it for a while, but I eventually accepted.

I can't imagine a lifetime without this giant, clumsy boy next to me.

And now, with his arms around my waist while we drink our daily dose of B positive, I don't have to.

"I love you, buddy boy."

"Love you too, my angel."

[psychoticallytrans]

I am an angry person. It's not in a reasonable, rational, or understandable way. Regardless of the presence or absence of cause, I have been angry for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's seething, like boiling water. Sometimes it's a quiet, burning glow, like embers. But my anger is always there, and it serves as the beating heart of who I am.

This frightens a lot of people, particularly those who have been hurt by angry people. Hearing that someone has anger as an integral part of them is, to some people, tantamount to hearing that this person is going to hurt you. It also confuses people who have met me. I'm consistently considered to be one of the gentlest, most caring people in a group. Children and small animals consider me a safe person.

Anger and gentleness are seen as opposites, traits that are incompatible with each other. Anger is seen as something that makes you hard and sharp, loud and fierce. But most of the time, my anger is what makes me gentle.

Anger, for me, isn't an aimless, formless force most of the time. When my anger is at a healthy level, it is a source that I draw on to have the strength and fuel to be kind. It's a deep well, and I tap it frequently. There's a comic I've seen around, more than once, that your anger is the part of you that loves you. For me, my anger is also the part of me that loves others.

My anger hasn't always been this way. It used to be harder to control, because I was a child with an unusual, overflowing amount of anger, and no idea what to do with it. The way I was told to deal with it was always to make it less, to put it away, to extinguish it.

I tried so, so hard to make this happen. Trying to extinguish my anger was like trying to fight a wildfire singlehandedly. It left me burnt, tired, and hollow, because a part of me was gone. When I didn't have it, I was cold and empty. Worse, it meant that when it flared back to life, I didn't know how to manage it. I scared a lot of people, including myself.

So, what changed?

I read books about people who used their anger as fuel to do good. People whose anger didn't overwhelm them, who embraced their anger as a part of them and used it to do amazing things. People whose anger didn't make the people they loved fear them. People who were angry, down to the deepest core of their being, and were still as good, important, and helpful as those who weren't.

Many of the people I read my anger into were characters that other people didn't see as angry. They were "passionate" or "cynical" or "protective". Their anger was reframed in a way that made it more acceptable to view positively. Still, I saw how those feelings burned in them. Sometimes low and warm, sometimes hot and fierce. Always within their control.

I found things to be angry about, things I cared about enough to dedicate a part of myself to them, and poured my anger into them. My anger came back to me, and I didn't try to kill it anymore. I made it mine. I made it me.

My anger and I cannot be separated, and still have me be the same person. It would be like trying to separate me from my sorrow, my joy, my love. I would, and have, hurt myself badly trying to do so.

Does this mean that anger should be left unmanaged? No more than grief should be, or joy, or love. Sometimes an emotion is too strong to be healthy, and you need to rein it in. Sometimes, it's not appropriate for the setting, and you need to refrain from expressing it on the spot. Anger is not uniquely evil or less your own than any other emotion. Attempting to eliminate it is damaging.

If you are going to take anything away from this post, I would like you to consider your own anger.

How would you be different without your anger? How would your life be different as a result? How would other people's view of you change?

[hamatosami]

“Eternal Flame” TMNT FANFICTION

1| discovery

Notes: I'm so happy and proud to present my first finalized and edited chapter of this book! It feels good to finally put out something I'm proud of. Anastasia is a character I've worked years to develop. I'm so excited to share the rest of the story with you guys. The chapters may be longer due to the rewriting. I'm sure you guys won't mind.

Links:

👈🏼 previous chapter 

     Never in my life did I believe that I would be fighting side by side against the one and only Eric Sacks. Although, I found myself helplessly agreeing to it and everything in my soul told me not to. I sloppily swirled my rocks glass around, suddenly not entertained by the idea of intoxication anymore. I let the ice water down my liquor until it was no longer desirable. No matter how many sips I took, it couldn't drown the bitter taste in my mouth. My heart rested in my throat, waiting to explode. Head leaning heavy against my other hand. I bit the inside of my cheek due to feeling on edge.

Eric is most definitely hiding something.

It couldn't be true. The idea of mutant ninja turtles. Although, I couldn't deny the pictures he showed me. I found my glass to be empty again.

"I'll have another." My voice sounded more rugged than usual. Eric's hand pushed mine back down unto the bar top.

"Actually, we'll just get the tab. All on one." I ruggedly gave him the death stare for shutting me off. "You've had enough." He concluded.

I dramatically flinched my hand away from his

"You're right. I have had enough." I began to walk away, heading towards the door and my bike after a pretty defeating night. Eric ran in front of me.

"You shouldn't drive Anna. At least let me take you home."

I laughed at his audacity. Surly he couldn't be joking.

"There's a mugging on 5th. I have to check it out." My ear bud rang in all sorts of information at just the right time, giving me the perfect excuse to leave the vicinity.

"I can't let anything happen to you." Eric took ahold of my arm one more time. At this point I was way past annoyed. Only because I could hear in his voice that he wasn't genuine at all. He took a frustrated sigh. "They call you the Hachiman." He said low into my ear.

"Who does?"

"The Foot. They're not very happy with what you've been doing."

"They need a better name." I pushed. Not taking this seriously.

"I'm just trying to help you." He positioned. Although, I could hear it in his voice that he wasn't being very truthful.

"You don't have to be nice to me Eric. No amount of kindness will ever atone for the years of abandonment and hate you projected onto Zayne, your very own brother. It was your job to look after him, but I ended up picking up every piece and holding him together while you bathed in your undeserving wealth." I walked closer to him now feeling suddenly sober. "I won't allow you to fix your guilt through me. That pain. That ache that just won't go away. You deserve to live with that." I huffed finding my fists tight. "Now get out of my way." I warned once.

Without saying a single word he stepped aside as I walked away to my bike. Leaving into my beloved city.

———————————————————

Ultimately, I woke up relatively early despite

going to bed so late. Mascara smudged from the night before and a pounding headache that greeted me the moment I opened my eyes. My heart sank deeper into my chest, heaving heavy with slow and steady beats.

God what the hell did I agree to?

The idea that I was about to singly handedly take down a robbery by The Foot tonight was strikingly scary. I couldn't understand why, it's not the first time I've tried to stop them. Shockingly, I've never been afraid of The Foot until now.

I guess the difference was that I was entrusting a person I've never trusted in my entire life. And the possibility of live, mutant ninja turtles... yeah that one I'm going to have to see to believe.

I was agnostic on most believes in anything mystical. I didn't believe in most things I couldn't see or touch. Religion? A made up fairytale. Even when I was a child I never once believed in Santa Clause or the Tooth Fairy. If it didn't make sense, I didn't believe in it. If there wasn't any concrete proof, I would deem it a made up story.

So why would I believe in mutant ninja turtles?

I got up and ready for my day, oddly feeling that I wouldn't return. Everything in my gut is telling me to stay home tonight, but I had to remember my purpose.

My fingers brushed against the framed picture on my nightstand of Zayne. I held it close to my chest letting a single tear fall to my ear.

I have to do this for him. His death has to mean something.

Taking a deep sigh as I threw my leather jacket over my shoulders, paying close attention to the silver buttons of the collar; I couldn't shake my nerves.

This was very unusual for me to feel. I very rarely felt fear and at times that I did feel fear, I would enjoy the adrenaline. But this time is different.

"Why do I feel like I won't come home today?" I whispered to myself in the mirror. As I loaded my pistol, I took special notice to the magazine. "Only 15 rounds."

Would that be enough?

I was going into this so blindly, I desperately needed something with larger capacity. And I knew exactly who could help me.

———————————————————

Knock knock knock

The door opened slowly and cautiously.

"Anna?"

"Casey." I said plainly. He scowled me up and down barley able to recognize me. A lot has changed since he last saw me. "I need to talk to you."

"Come in." Still looking astound he guided me into his apartment. "Anna you look so... well I haven't seen you since,"

"The funeral." I finished for him. I'm not shocked that he's surprised to see me. I went MIA after Zayne died. "I know I haven't returned any of your calls."

"I know." He was searching for his words. "I've been worried about you, I've seen you along the police scanners at work. I had to cover for you a few times."

"Thank you." I bit my lip. "I've umm, had a few life changes after he passed. I'm sure you can relate."

"Yeah by joining the police force, not dressing up and playing visualante every night." I laughed at his comment.

"Lighten up Casey." I patted him on the arm. "It's not like I haven't seen you with your hockey mask busting skulls."

"This is different Anna, you're going to get killed. The Foot isn't something you should be playing around with."

A smile grew to my face.

"You know about The Foot." I concluded looking deep into his eyes.

"More than I'd like to." He shook his head. "I started looking into them after Zayne passed away and I... it's a bottomless pit." He turned away from me.

"I believe they killed him." I took a deep sigh. "Which is why I'm here to talk to you." I pulled out the picture of the mutants Eric gave me. "Now tell me, what do you know about mutants." He hesitated to answer me at first, but I was delighted to hear his response.

"I thought it was all a myth."

"Eric Sacks believes these are the things that killed him. I'm... going out tonight to hunt them down." Caseys eyes reverted to mine wider than I've ever seen them.

"No you're not"

"I am... along with Eric."

"What and you trust the guy?! He has been nothing but untrustworthy his whole life. Remember all the times he would get aggressive with you?!"

"I'm well aware." I put my hands up defending myself. "I don't trust him which is why I need him right where I can see him. Look I'm going into this empty handed completely alone."

"Well don't. Because the last thing I need is another funeral to attend!"

"Then help me not die. And if not for me, do it for Zayne. He was your best friend, and this could give us real answers here." His hands ran through his hair daring to say anything.

"What would you need from me?"

"An assault rifle would be a start. And maybe someone to stall the cops around 8pm tonight so I have time to get close enough to the Foot."

"If I do this for you, just promise me you'll make it out alive."

"I'll try." I said with tears forming in my eyes.

He pulled me into a hug as I cried into his chest. Casey was my only friend left. I peaked over his shoulder of the three of us in a picture. I was more than ready to find some real answers. No matter what it took.

———————————————————

I arrived to Sacks Industries with a sudden chill down my back. It had been months since I've been here. And this would be the first time I've ever been here without Zayne.

Eric greeted me at the door.

"Anastasia. Welcome."

"No need to be formal." I raised an eyebrow looking around at his overpriced architecture. People in New York are starving and he's here swimming around in an unhealthy amount of wealth. The money he spends on something as little as his watch, could change a lot of lives. "I'm here strictly for business."

"Right." He cleared his throat. "Right this way. There's someone I want you to meet." We went up his elevator to a room I surprisingly didn't recognize, but apparently you needed some sort of facial recognition to unlock the doors.

"Anastasia Hall." I was greeted by a US soldier. Dressed precisely in uniform. I was immediately thrown off. He greeted me with a warm smile and a firm handshake. "My God! 16 robberies, 35 assaults, and 7 murderers all single handedly stopped because of you. I must say Miss. Hall, it is an honor to meet you." His voice was warm and welcoming.

"Wait, what?" He laughed.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Lieutenant Steele, and I will be assisting you on our operations to fight against The Foot Clan."

I turned around to Eric quickly.

"Wait... this was your team you were talking about? The United States Army?!"

"Hey I figured if in told you, you wouldn't agree."

"You're damn right I wouldn't! Visualante work is illegal. I could go to prison for the rest of my life for this."

"Anna." He swirled his glass of scotch around with a sarcastic edge to his voice. "You might want to listen to what he has to say."

I whipped my head back around to the Lieutenant. Awaiting to hear his foreclosure.

Mr. Steele grew a smile only I could sniff out as fake. I knew in my heart I couldn't trust him.

"Please, Miss Hall. Sit." He motioned his hand towards a mahogany chair. I followed keeping my eyes stiff, careful of every movement and every word.

"Tell me precisely why the military is involved with this. And why you need my help."

He chuckled.

"A bit eager aren't we?" He began to pour a glass of wine. "Me and my men behind me are working in secret from the military my dear, so your fear of getting caught won't come true." He cleared his throat. "The Foot had managed to infiltrate into our military, our government and just about everything in between. They disguise themselves as normal civilians, making it harder to identify them. So me and a few of my trusted troops reached out to people who would be willing to help fund us, help us expose the foot for who they really are before things get out of hand."

"Things are already out of hand. Besides you're the military, why would you need someone like me to help you?" I questioned now at the edge of my seat.

"Because surprisingly Anastasia, you've been the one who's ever gotten the closest to exposing the Foot."

I snickered at his comment. My hands slapped against the table now leaning into him.

"I don't believe you for one second. You guys get all the funding in the world, you wouldn't need Sacks money. So what are you really up to?" My voice seethed lower.

His eyebrows raised. "Maybe, you'd believe me had Zayne ever introduced me to you." He reached into his pocket and pulled a picture out of him and Zayne together. "I'm his Uncle."

A lump formed in my throat as I leaned back into my chair. I took a large sigh.

"Okay..." I looked around suddenly feeling dizzy from this information. "If I do this I have some conditions" I said now shaking my leg.

"Anything." He sat back in his chair.

"25 thousand up front." I said to at too casually.

"No way!" Eric interrupted. "Now you're getting greedy."

"From the sounds of it, you guys are the ones that need me. I can continue my own investigation on my own." My eyebrows raised at him.

Eric rolled his eyes. "Any other conditions?"

"I want every tool, any weapon and piece of information you have. I also want the upper hand in every decision. I run the show here. Everything has to go by me."

Eric and the Lieutenant both shared a cohesive nod. And a smile grew to my face.

"Perfect." I pursed my lips now crossing my legs. "Now tell me everything you know about the Mutants."

Mr. Steele pulled out a file of pictures.

"Michelangelo." He stated plainly as he pulled out a picture. "The youngest of the four." I observed closely at the picture trying to remain calm. I still couldn't fathom the reality of what I was seeing. A real live mutant. "Not the strongest one, but the least predictable. Donatello is the one with the brains, his strategy will be his strong suit. Raphael is the largest and strongest, but sometimes this can slow him down."

I couldn't fathom that they all had names. Unique ones too. When I saw their pictures it was difficult to see them as scary, or enemies in any sort of ways. Their faces seemed so personable. My whole body froze when I saw the last picture.

"Who's that?"

"This one is Leonardo, he's the leader of the four Mutants and the most deadly. He has the other threes unique qualities. I would try to stay clear away from him as much as possible."

"What about weaknesses?" I asked as I studied the picture.

"There aren't many." He concluded very quickly. "I should also included that they're relatively bullet proof as well."

"Great. A suicide mission." I scoffed.

"That's why we're going to help you Anastasia. We've developed shock guns that should trap them enough to where we can catch them. Use them as proof that the foot exists and is evil, and then we'll be another step further for find justice for Zayne."

"Okay." I stood up. "When do we start?"

"Tonight at 8."

———————————————————

I met up in the abandoned warehouse where I was assigned to go. Geared up and ready as hell to go. In my pocket I slipped a picture of Zayne, just for good conscience.

"Anastasia." Eric greeted me along with the lieutenant. I kept my face straight as I strutted in. I was focused like a laser.

"Eric... Mr.Steele." I said not so pleasantly.

"Here's the map you requested." I opened the iPad they provided me which scooped all the rubbles of the cargo ships we were certain were getting robbed tonight by the Foot.

"They're either going to come from the sky or the water. They can't be seen at night." I analyzed. "We should steak them out from the roof to get a good view and then I'll follow them in."

"Perfect!" Eric exclaimed. "When you get to a good spot I'll have his troops follow after you." I laughed at his audacity. He slowly caught on. "What?"

"This is my operation Eric, you're coming with me."

"Are you serious?" He stuttered. "I'm not going with you."

"Well since I've been suspicious you of, I figured you wouldn't mind coming with me. I can keep a close eye on you. Besides you have to do what I say or else I'm out." I said with almost a complete smile in my face.

Mr. Steele nudged Eric.

"We promised to do what she said."

"Correct." I appointed. "I'll have the police force stalled at exactly 8:12pm tonight. We'll have about a 20 minute window. We'll also have to shoot the shockers from a distance. They'll kill us if they get too close."

"What's your plan once we get in there?" Eric asked.

"I don't have one." I said simply yet with such utter confidence.

"What do you mean you don't have a plan?" Eric now said with annoyance. Seeing him oh so flustered made me happy on the inside.

"I never have a plan Eric." I giggled. "Look, there's way too many unpredictable properties that could happen tonight. We'll start off with just you and me, we'll try to locate them and follow them and if we need help we'll call for help or retreat, but that's the best we can do given the circumstances. Also the map of the shipping container unit will help me a lot."

"Don't be afraid to send my men in." Mr. Steele affirmed.

"These are the nations most dangerous criminals. I won't use your men unless it's absolutely necessary."

I took another pathetic look at Eric.

"Gear up." I commanded.

"Heres your check for 25k. But no amount of money can subside for the amount of lives you saved and can save tonight." Mr. Steele gave me a firm handshake to which I noticed a pin on his right cuff.

"What a lovely pin. It doesn't look military." I observed. It was red, with a Japanese symbol I couldn't recognize.

"It was my father's." He said way too quickly for my liking. I made a mental note of that tiny detail.

"Hmm. Okay."

We geared up with a bunch of military grade equipment, along with the shockers that would supposedly trap the mutants. It was 7:50pm. Sacks and I climbed to the nearest rooftop so we could stake out the mutants.

We got to the top and I reached for my binoculars as I checked my watch.

"We have a clear view. We just have to wait."

Eric was out of breath already trying to keep up.

"You really don't trust me that much that you had to drag me along with you." He grunted as he sat down next to me.

"Correct. There's always that 1% chance." I said as I observed closely and quietly. "Just stay close and you'll be fine."

And right at that moment I saw a slew of Foot soldiers march their way into the shipping containers on the docks.

"Is that?" He gasped.

"Yup." I finished for him. "It's The Foot clan, but where are the mutants?"

"Shouldn't we be down there?"

"Shhh-" I cut him off as I checked my watch.

8:05

"Anna we need to get down there."

"Shut up." I whispered. My breaths were slow trying not to make a sound.

"What?" He whispered.

"Oh my god." When I finally saw it for my own eyes. I swallowed an uncomfortable lump in my throat. "There they are."

"Let me see... I wanna see for myself." He motioned for my binoculars. As he observed the same reality in which I just observed, a sadistic smile creeped along his face. "They're exquisite."

"They're murderers Eric. The murderers of Zayne." I looked at him in disbelief. Something was seriously off about him. I also couldn't shake my suspicion based on the fact that the mutants rolled in way after the Foot Clan did.

"Okay. We need to get past those two yellow parcels without being seen, we could climb to the top of one and get a clear shot there. We should probably aim for the leader first. Hell be the hardest to take down. Maybe use some tranquilizers as well."

"We should probably split up. In case the mutants do too."

"Good idea." I said as I stood up. "Lieutenant can you hear me?.... We have an eye on the mutants. Wait for my signal to send your troops." Eric and I slid down the fire escape and went our separate ways. I knew I had to save my guns for last because they could give away my position. I had to get passed as many Foot soldiers as possible without being seen or heard.

Lucky for me, I'm pretty small and quiet. I snuck to the top of a single shipping container and balanced myself on the end and peaked around to scope the area. I had completely lost sight of the turtles.

I have to get closer.

Feeling my heart beat into my ears I jumped as quietly as possible to another container, daring to put myself in more visibility. My equipment on my back weighting me down.

And then.

I saw one close with my own fucking eyes.

The tall one I caught scoping out the area as I was. I knew he was the brains out of all of them,  so the other three must have been on the ground.

I duck my head the moment I saw his head turn in my direction. If I give away my position, I'm toast. My left foot was barley balancing onto the shipping container. I could very easily fall.

As I ducked my head and body into one direction, I immediately heard clan members coming up right behind me, and I was in perfect eyes view.

I heard only two, and I had to decide in that moment who I was going to face. Either a giant mutant turtle or two clan members.

"The two people win." I said to myself as I hopped down to the other side of the container, completely exposing myself. The two clan members immediately attacked me. The one ran directly to me with a knife to which I grabbed his wrist and kicked him right in the stomach to knock him down and used one of my tranquilizers to immediately knock him out.

I had to be quiet.

The other one put me in a chokehold from behind to which I quickly snapped my head back to break his nose. I turn around quickly to inject him with tranquilizers in the neck knocking the second one out.

However as I pulled the body away I noticed a small red pin on the collar of the foot soldiers uniform. One that looked identical to the pin Mr. Steele had on the cuff of his sleeve.

"Oh my god."

Could it be? Could it really fucking be right now?!

I ran to the other foot soldier and had the same pin on his collar as well.

"That son of a bitch."

Anger rose to my ears, making me sweat from how livid I was.

I pressed into my ear piece.

"Eric we need to retreat." And I awaited a response and... nothing.

I tried again. "Eric do you hear me, we need to retreat."

My breaths became heavy as I realized my reality. Now I was trapped in the center of a foot clan operation. Outnumbered by ninjas and mutant turtles.

But worst of all, the biggest thing I realized was that it was all a trap. I had been fooled into walking into my own death.

But why would they do this?

That was an answer I didn't have time to think about.

No help is coming. I'm completely and utterly alone in this.

I took a long, shaken breath. Blinking hard as my fists squeezed so hard that I could probably make myself bleed. As I exhaled, I did everything I could to not shed a tear.

I rarely felt fear, but knowing I was set into a suicide trap terrified me even more.

I can't think about it, I just have to get out of here.

As much as I tried to shake everything that I just realized, I couldn't.

"Because surprisingly Anastasia, you've been the one who's ever gotten the closest to exposing the Foot." I replayed in my head.

Eric was apart of the Foot. And I got too close.

"This is my execution." I whispered to myself. Very well played of Eric's part. I knew I couldn't trust that bastard.

I don't understand. Why would he work for the same organization that killed his younger brother?

Or better yet, maybe I've been looking in all the wrong places.

Could it be that Zaynes death was actually a suicide?

No.

I don't want to believe that.

Breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat so hard that I felt it pulsate through my feet into the ground. I quickly shoved every emotion inside of me.

I have to get out of this mess and survive.

I peer my surroundings hearing every commotion of the robbery and remaining glued to my hiding spot. With utter frustration I bang the back of my head against the shipping container. My hand grips onto my dagger a little tighter.

As footsteps tread behind me, I inch holding my breath, daring to look. I saw the same woman that I saw at the bank robbery the other night. One of their "leaders" I suppose. I couldn't make out any feature of who she was because her face was hidden by a hanya mask. Hanyas were female Japanese demons from what I remembered. Very fitting for the job.

As I observed... for a slight moment, my fear subsided.

I knew in both my heart and my gut, that the Foot had something to do with Zaynes death.

I could either run away, or I could get answers.

On the count of three.

One.

I pivoted my feet and bent my legs ready to brace my run.

Two.

I pulled out my gun, already loaded and secured it in between both of my hands. I carefully and strategically picked my first victim.

I can do this.

Breath in, breath out.

Three.

As I made my first step forward someone beat me to it.

One of the mutants, banded in red, began to soar towards The Foot Clan.

"What the hell?" I whispered to myself, softening my grip around my gun.

Why in the living fuck was one of the mutants fighting by against their own people?

I observed the brute in pure awe. His technique was flawless and when I say he was way larger in person, I meant it.

Raphael. The brute.

I recognized him from the pictures I was shown.

The second turtle summersaulted in the air towards the clan. He was so fast that my eyes couldn't keep up. I gave my eyes a quick rub to freshen my vision up.

Bullets flew at the speed of light toward him. And he fought each one off perfectly with his nunchucks without an ounce of fear in his eyes.

"Is that all you got bruh?" He even cracked a joke like it was nothing to him.

And he spoke... English?!

I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't trapped in a dream or a nightmare.

I can assure myself that I'm not dreaming...

The third turtle came to the left, the same turtle I spotted earlier with some sort of staff. He was loaded up with equipment and like the others, his technique in fighting was phenomenal.

In this very exact moment as I sit back and observe these fascinating mutants annihilating the foot ninjas, I also realize a few things.

One, that I was utterly and completely set up. For some reason Sacks wanted me to die tonight and also lied to me about the turtles.

Two, these mutant turtles were not my enemy. At least, they weren't apart of the Foot Clan and that was good enough for me at the moment.

Maybe the hope was that if I fight against the turtles, that they would kill me.

No, that plan is too complexed for even Sacks to come up with. However, my gut was telling me that it was true.

So what do I do now?

If I wanted to, I could retreat. Go back home and get my revenge on Eric Sacks. Or I could risk my life and join the fight.

I was located in the center of the docks. And there was no guarantee that if the turtles saw me that they would spare my life. For all I know they could just be bat shit crazy.

But I must have sat and thought too long... hand wrapped around my neck making me drop my gun. I was drug back and swung head first into a container. The corner of my head bashed into the wall and the thud was so loud that you could hear it a mile away.

My adrenaline kicked in fast.

Forget the pain... focus and get up!

A foot soldier charged at me as my legs wobbled up. I grabbed a led pipe beside me and knocked him in the head with it. Two more surrounded me. I put myself on defense with the pipe, not being strategic in any manner attempting to throw them off. I hit the one on my right in the stomach temporarily knocking him down. I pivoted my feet and wrapped the pipe around the second one's neck. I kicked him in the back and dislocated his spine.

I ran and hid to the nearest hiding spot. My hand flew to my head which was dripping in blood as my adrenaline wore off. I definitely had a concussion. I was seeing double. As I cornered into my hiding spot I peaked and saw all three of the turtles fighting.

"Where's the fourth turtle?" I said to myself.

The tall purple one was landed a perpetuates blow to the knee, which knocked him down. I admired how fast he recovered, but at this point he was surrounded by ninjas. He attempted to fight them, but they pinned the purple banded turtle down.

My heart sank immediately when I saw the fear in his eyes. His other two brothers being too busy to save him.

My dumb gut told me to help him even though I was injured. I could easily save him.

"Don't do it Anna..." I said to myself. I had to stay alive.

But just when I convinced myself not to, as the purple banded turtle was pinned down, another foot ninja came up with an ax, so I grabbed my pipe again.

"I'm so going to regret this." I rolled my eyes and ran to expose myself.

Yeah... instant regret. Now I was in the view of the turtles and the Foot clan. All for what?

I ran as fast as I could and with all the strength that I had I bashed the ninja holding the axe right in the back of the head. I knocked him out in one swipe.

I'm starting to like this stupid pipe.

In one swift motion I swung my pipe around knocking both of the ninjas out that were holding the turtle down and I set him free. I dropped the pipe and immediately reached for my hand sized pistol, shooting the ninja behind the turtle and knocking him down. As the turtle stood up well above me, I shook in my boots a little bit.

We both paused as we stared at each other, both seeing if the other one will make a move.

His free hand raised up in the classic "I'm not going to hurt you" stance.

"Thank you." He said. I choke on my breath again hearing him talk in perfect English. His eyes reverted above my head as he readied his bo staff. "Behind you."

I immediately ducked. As he beat up the ninja behind me. Another ninja came up behind me. I bashed him in the nose with my pipe and kicked his kneecap in dislocating his knee. He fell to the ground and I elbowed him in the temple knocking him out. A second ninja grabbed my arms making me drop my pipe trying to drag me. I managed to stamp my feet in the ground, whipped my head back as hard as I could right on his nose. Making his arms loose. I turned around and punched him in the throat making him fall to the ground.

I was completely worn out.

The orange clad turtle jumped in front of me and finished off the remaining ninjas.

Just when I thought it was over, I heard a familiar voice.

"Finish her!" I heard Eric say, but when I looked around there was no sign of him. I loaded my pistol and was greeted my three more ninjas.

"More of you?!" I annoyingly said.

I went to shoot, but my gun was knocked out of my hand. I went straight to street combat. I blocked every painful punch this guy threw at me. I pushed him back enough to blow him in the jaw, but that's all I was able to get. I was kicked beautifully in my stomach which made me fly back into something hard. I felt my back shatter in pain as I fell forward onto the ground. I landed on my shoulder harshly. The soldier then grabbed me by the neck and pinned me against the container pressing directly into my trachea. I couldn't resist his pure strength as I fought for my breath, right when I thought I was going to pass out, the purple clad turtle knocked him with his bo staff and finished off the rest of the rest of the ninjas.

I fell to the ground gasping for air. I felt my entire body fuzz in pins and needles.

I cant believe the turtle saved me.

He lifted me to my feet. I could tell he was immediately checking me for injuries.

"You're okay. I got you." He sounded so utterly normal.

I caught my breath extremely fast noticing it was finally over. I somehow managed to survive.

"Donatello!" I heard a voice I did not yet recognize. And he walked over towards me. Even though I was just strangled a minute ago, nothing took my breath away as much as seeing the blue clad turtle for the first time. He walked slowly towards me, probably unsure if I was an enemy or not. I heard him slowly take out a sword.

I recognized him. This was the leader, the deadliest of the four.

"She's not an enemy Leo! She saved me." Donnie said. There wasn't much I was afraid of. I knew their intentions were good. I put my hands up to show I meant no harm. Leo came out of the shadows and the moonlight hit his body. I finally was close enough to be face to face with him. Oddly the closer he got to me the safer I felt. My heart slowed down. I looked into his eyes and instantly fell into a trace.

My heart stopped when I saw his eyes. So striking that it made me shake to my core. So blue that I'm pretty sure they glowed. They were like sapphires of light which peered through his opaque facial expressions. Through his eyes alone, I could see every bit of his souls. And this terrified me.

He observed me looking up and down.

His face was perfectly proportionate. His eyes were a striking blue that beautifully clashed with his dark blue bandana. He had a scar leading down his right eye. His skin reflected off the light and it was nothing like I've ever seen. My eyes trailed to his shoulder.

He had a tribal tattoo along his right shoulder and another tattoo that wrapped around his left bicep.

However, as massive and as intimidating as he looked, I wasn't scared.

"We need to get her out of here." My body felt a chill when he spoke. I've never heard a voice so smooth and rich before. I panted hard now realizing the extent of my injuries. I couldn't move. "Miss?"

Is he talking to me?

"Y-you... t-turtle." I stuttered.

"It's okay." He hushed. "I'm not going to hurt you. We're the good guys." I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand. My skin felt flushed and clammy. My breaths were shallow. I felt like I was going into both physical and physiological shock. "Are you hurt?"

"I-I'm sorry. I saw you guys were in trouble." I muttered as my legs shook beneath me.

I didn't answer the right question. My brain was just so fuzzy and confused.

"She's going into shock." Donnie spoke up behind him. Apparently that wasn't important to the leader in blue. He seemed just as confused by me as I was by the turtles.

He's smart I'll give him that. He's probably wondering why I'm here and what my intentions are.

Much like me, he was searching for answers. And in that way I could relate to him.

"What are you doing here at this hour?" He questioned me like a parent questioning their child. As my breaths became more shallow. I was certain I would pass out soon, but in the case that these turtles would choose to go against me, I kept my guard up.

"I was searching for the foot clan." I was completely honest with him. I probably should have lied, but the more I looked in his eyes, the more I felt I could trust him. My voice was shaken and raspy from being choked.

"Why?" He said simply, somehow expecting me to comply.

"Because they poison everything. They infiltrated my city and I'm pretty sure they took someone I love. I've been tracking them down for months and my apologies, but at first I spotted you guys with the Foot Clan and I assumed you were associated, but after seeing you fight against them, I realized I was wrong." I had nothing to gain by being honest with them. I knew all the leader was looking for was honesty to see if he could trust me. Him and I were off the bat very similar beings.

"You risked your life for my brother. Thank you." His eyes scanned my injuries, observing the bruises along my neck.

"She looks familiar." The red banded turtle said. "I think she's that other vigilante I saw running around the city." Leo lifted his hand to silence him as he kept scanning my body.

"We need to get her out of range before the cops show up." He said to his brothers. Then he directed his eyes to me. "You're hurt. Do you know where the nearest hospital is? We can escort you."

"I-" And before I could finish I felt a searing pain in my stomach followed by something warm and wet dripping town my body. I looked down. I was shot by an arrow by a left over foot clan member. I numbly pulled it out slowly. My body instantly became cold and weak. My vision blurred. I fell so helplessly, but Leo caught me before I hit my head.

"Raph get him!" he ordered. His voiced changed. His yell made me shake.

"There's more of them!" Mikey exclaimed. Leo immediately picked up my dead weight and carrying me to a safer spot.

"Finish them off!" Leo yelled as he applied a fuck ton of pressure to my stomach. I yelled from the pain. "I'm sorry." He said to me.

"She's bleeding out! We need to get her out of here!" Said Donnie

"But where? We can't go to a hospital." Leo said as he let Donnie take over in applying pressure. I started to feel tingles and coughed as blood went to my throat. All I could feel were the leaders warm arms cradling me.

"Oh no." The purple banded turtle observed the arrow I was shot with. "It's a poison arrow Leo. The ones with the toxic purple ooze."

"What are her chances Donnie?" Leo's voice rumbled underneath me, but I didn't hear Donatello give him an answer.

"She's going to die Leo. We did everything we could." I heard the red one say.

"Its fine. Just leave me." I muffled. My life wasn't important anyways. I always wanted to die anyways. I was just always too weak to do it myself.

If anything I'd get to be with Zayne. And that's all I would need to be content. After all, I had nobody.

"Are you crazy?" Leo said to me. It wasn't long until the pain settled in. It was excruciating. The pain was so bad that I couldn't even scream. My insides felt like they were being lit on fire and blood filled my throat and mouth. Leo tilted my head so I didn't choke. His attention to detail was incredible.

"I'm not going to make it anyways. Save yourselves before more of them come." I tried to convince them before I wasn't coherent anymore. I probably would make it if I was sent to a hospital, but I really just wanted to die. More than anything in this world. My vision blurred. I could tell they were trying to talk to me, but everything was muffled. Like what you hear when you're underwater.

I could hear they were arguing. I took a few shallow breaths and my vision went black.

"Now I will tell you what I've done for you

50 thousand tears I've cried

Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you

And you still won't hear me

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself

Maybe I'll wake up for once

Not tormented, daily defeated by you

Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under

Drowning in you

I'm falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under" ~ Evanescence

Thank you so much for reading!

As always if you enjoy my work, like, follow and comment your thoughts! It lets me know to write more!

Much love~ HamatoSami💙

[mcbex]

**The Kind of Courage I Want**

I've been letting things marinate while to try to wade through the emotion of trying something I've never done before. I didn't really understand what I was getting myself into when I signed up for a marathon. I only knew it was going to be a lot of work. I couldn't tell you the moment I was ready to go the full distance and there was no magic mile that told me I was ready. But I do know that when I started training I had no chance of finishing. I had very bad sprained ankle that annoyingly took 6 weeks to heal. Yet I felt committed to the training regardless of understanding all that the next 5 months would do to me. I was uncertain a lot. I put off run after run concerned about the time and effort but mostly I was looming over failure. Failure was not an option. With so many variables and the amount of time it took from January 1 to race day I had to put away the excuses and act as if it didn't matter. Even still in the final weeks I would have to tell myself repeatedly 'just take the next step in your day, when you arrive at the hard parts, pray'. I had to muster some serious resolve just to start the race.

Which brings me to courage. When I think of it I often misunderstand its' meaning. I think of old world knights fighting dragons, or taking down an armed gunman, or bigger. I always think bigger about courage, neglecting the reality that courage like that is scarcely used or even needed, thus it is rare to find. I forget that the everyday courage is the kind that speaks louder. The kind of courage some people need just to get out of bed, the kind of courage to try something new, the kind it takes to maybe fail. The dragons are not all slain they are just hiding deeper in our hearts.

For my life I want to dance to the beat of my own drum and push myself to try those new things and of course first and foremost develop my friendship with God, but dancing to your own beat is hard. Doing things differently than others can feel like it shines a spot light on our actions. Frankly sometimes I just want to be a little more quiet, but I can't help myself. Although personally I often look to bosses, teachers and preachers to lead me because they seem to hold the most courage of all of us. They are willing to stand in front of the masses and claim they know things that maybe we don't or are afraid to say. While I look to them I take for granted that it's easy for them, forgetting that they too need strength. I'm finding the more I test the bounds of my valor, the more I see clearly we all do.

I realize looking back at these many months, it wasn't just one day or one run that made the difference. Of course sometimes things change us quickly like that, but again it's rare. It's the multitude of mundane things. The get up and go that forms the foundation that strengths us. Without each pep talk or early morning distance run, without the end of the day "fit-it-in" workout or the support of those around us none of us would get much past the fire of the gun. Definitely without telling myself daily I just need courage for today, I may not be in the space I am now... looking for the next marathon or something longer. Ultimately that's just another metaphor of life. Courage for today, strength for just the next step. Never forgetting when we get to the hard stuff, pray. More often than not a little adventurousness steadily spread will get us to the finish, that is the kind of courage I want.

2Chronicles‬ ‭16‬:‭9‬ ‬‬ “The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. What a fool you have been! From now on you will be at war.””

Joshua‬ ‭1‬:‭9‬ ‭ “This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.””

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭17‬ “Never stop praying.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭16‬:‭9‬ “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”

‭‭

[softtransbf]

Heartbreak Feels So Good, Heaven Iowa, and Flu Game for Kingston! :] - @selfrinsert

@selfrinsert

2: "Heartbreak Feels So Good" - Who confessed first? What drove them to do it? Did you immediately become a couple after that or did it take some time before you both became one officially?

I'd said some things implying my crush on him, but he was the one to properly confess first. He had to be. You know Kingston- if anything that he'd consider possibly selfish to accept is offered to him, he'll deny it a hundred times over. It has to be his call to take the steps to go for it. And it's no small thing for him to get over himself and do that. In this case, it was good old fashioned jealousy. Sofie decided that I needed a partner, so she started trying to set me up with people. At that point, my feelings for Kingston weren't really serious and I'd gotten no indication that they were returned at all, so I went on the blind dates she'd set up. Never any second dates, because I found myself comparing them to Kingston, and they never measured up. But I did fuck most of them, and didn't beat around the bush about it when Sofie asked how the dates went. (I gave her a different reason for not wanting to go out with them again, of course.) I'm not shy about my sexuality and Sofie has boundary issues (love her to death, but it's true), so she asked TMI questions I totally answered. Turns out Kingston didn't like that so much, and one day he found a moment to talk privately and it turned into a fight. I asked why he gave a damn and that's when he confessed. Didn't mean to, but he did. Then we made a mistake and fucked instead of talking about that. It was a while and a few more hookups we both felt guilty about after before we actually talked about our feelings and got together. Secretly, of course. So I told Sofie that I was tired of the one night stands and needed to take a break from all that and asked her to stop trying to set me up with people.

5: "Heaven, Iowa" - Is there anything about you/your s/i that your f/o finds oddly charming— something that others often overlook or ignore but they’re completely captivated by?

None of the movements are big, so it's easily missed, but when I'm really deep in thought, my inner monologue is a conversation with myself, essentially, so often I'll be moving my hands or mouthing words as I work on whatever the project or problem is. Totally subconsciously. Kingston loves watching me when I'm like that. He says it's beautiful, like watching a dancer or an artist at work.

9: "Flu Game" - How open are you about your relationship? Do you prefer to keep it private, only tell a selective few about it, or do you let everyone know about your relationship?

We keep our goddamn mouths shut and hands to ourselves if anyone else is around. Can you imagine the amount of shit everyone would give us? It'd be good hearted, but god they'd be insufferable. We'd never get a moment's peace. At some point we'll tell everyone, just not for a while. (tbh I think we'll get caught before that happens, but we'll see) I think Pete and/or Sofie suspect that something's up, but I've got no evidence for that, so Kingston says I'm just being paranoid.

[elderemorune]

My Name is August

Before anyone worries, I'm not technically doxxing myself. It's a chosen name, and I wanted to examine it. For awhile, really, but I've been going through it and it took me awhile to figure out what I needed to say about it.

My given name is Christian. My mother, who had me at too young with a man who beat her for daring to carry me (who is not my father, that dubiously given title belongs to the bastard child of American royalty), named be after a terrible Robin Hood movie featuring Kevin Costner whose only redeeming feature is Alan Rickman threatening to cut hearts out with spoons. This name was chosen because she thought it was so cool how Morgan Freeman's character (whose name I cannot recall) referred to Robin as Christian.

Yeah.

I'm sure other people have naming stories that are just as stupid, but this is my blog and we're here to talk about me. Anyway, the choosing of my name rings as thoughtless to me. Just "That sounds cool". Being blunt, this is simply how my entire life has felt.

Proving that point, I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD. No, I have not told my folks, no matter how much I want to, because I know they'll make it all about them. Mom will wail about how it's her fault she was such a bad mom, and dad will stare angrily at me for a moment before recognizing that I'm right and then doing nothing to accept responsibility, let alone prevent future behaviour like it.

I was constantly abandoned. Left to my own devices because to quote my father directly "You were always fantastically independent."

I had to be. In so many goddamn ways, I raised myself. On TV, on video games, on movies and comics and of course, the Internet. As long as I wasn't causing trouble, you said. Unless of course my sister caused trouble but blamed me, and you grounded me despite my protestations of innocence. Often willfully, you later admitted to me. It was just fucking easier to ground me, rather than be a fucking parent and discipline your daughter. And you wonder why I hate her.

And mom, she isn't innocent in this either. See, I was raised on infidelity and harem anime, though both of them deny their charges. Dad saying "Well, that's an unfair characterization" of mom waking us up at 4:00 AM to pack our shit and leave because you were fucking a woman in Seattle? What else would you call that, father? And mom denying that she watched all that much only to buckle as I refer to several (Ai Yori Aoshi, Fruits Basket, Tenchi, etc.).

Beyond the harem anime, which is mostly a joke, she just didn't fucking leave him. She never once put my needs above hers. Desired the financial safety net. "Well, he could have buried me in legal fees" she said, "But I know he never would have done it." she says after some pressing.

My father was verbally abusive to everyone in the house. Physically abusive with only me, though my sister will insist he beat her despite even he himself admitting to only ever hitting me. When I didn't know a math problem's solution, it was a swift smack up the backside of my head. When I 'misbehaved' (didn't do what he wanted when he wanted) it was a smack. This kept on until I got big enough to hit him back. All it took was one punch to the gut to remind this obelisk of a person that he was indeed human, and so was I.

Mom knew about this, of course. She turned a blind eye to it until I hit him back. Then I was in trouble for not toeing the goddamn line. Grounded again for an amount of time that by then no longer mattered.

And let's not forget my fucking sister Amy! Oh boy, what a trainwreck! First off, I fucking hate my sister. My entire life, anything I had to work for, she was simply given because it was otherwise 'unfair' and my folks didn't want to listen to her bitch. She's even gone so far as to co-opt my trauma! We did a exactly one family therapy session, wherein she said, in front of the therapist, that she was scared of dad because he used to hit her. It was silent for a moment, then father coughed. "Um. No. I never hit you. I only ever hit your brother, because I was taught you don't hit girls."

The counselor then chimed in. "Amy, I mean this with kindness, but you and I have been working together for a long time. You've told me before that your dad never hit you. What are you trying to say here?"

Amy, incredible performer that she is, rose up, said "FUCK YOU" at the top of her lungs, and stormed out. A classic tactic from her teenage years, where she would do this, storm out of the house, often barefoot, screaming about how she hoped she starved to death in the woods and maybe then they'd understand how fucking awfully they treated her.

Frankly, I hate all of these people. The worst part is how they know about the ways in which their behaviour impacts me. They are all moving to Florida this month, with my folks moving Amy into their new home for "at most 30 days" (yeah right) and buying her a car.

Amy says the car's a gift, mom says the car has payments on it. I don't know who to believe, and at this point I don't care. I had to work for my fucking car. She didn't. It's the same shit on a brand new day.

Like with my goddamn house.

See, my wife and I got married on October 31st of 2020. It wasn't the wedding we wanted, but it was the one we needed. We got back from the honeymoon, and mom and dad are talking about helping us get a mortgage on a house. Well, Amy hears this, and of course, like the 27 year old woman she is, she pitches a fucking tantrum about how unfair it is that "They get a house and I'm stuck here".

Well, mom and dad can't go about being unfair to their kid, now can they? After all, it would be so unfair to give a married couple a normal married couple gift and not give that same gift to their seemingly single daughter.

So father had a bright idea. Start an LLC, buy a house, and rent it to us.

My wedding gift, reduced to an apartment, turned into a living nightmare, because anything else would have been unfair.

Let's expand on the living nightmare, shall we? Over the course of sharing a roof with my sister, she:

Told us if we got pregnant she'd kill herself. Mom asked us to stop trying while we live with her because of how triggering it would be for her.

2: Threatened to kill herself if we got another dog. Mom and dad asked us to consider how unfair it would be to her and her 'emotional support' dog that she hadn't trained.

3: Called my wife a fat bitch on multiple occasions, including in front of my mom, and then claimed amnesia. "I don't remember calling her that, I never said that. You're taking what I said out of context." She still won't apologize, even when confronted with a recording of her doing it.

4: When she moved her boyfriend in (without asking us, mind, she lied and told us he'd only be staying a few days), he asked for a space in their area. When we were asked to mediate, she said "Why should I have to give up space in my house?" and when reminded it wasn't her house, she stormed out after shouting fuck you at the top of her lungs, barefoot, marching down a very dangerous street in the middle of the night.

5: Did the same stunt again when we got back from apartment hunting in Seattle because my wife dared to tell her to shut up because we'd just got back in the door.

There's just so goddamn much. All of it awful.

So I'm fucking reclaiming me from this.

My name is motherfucking August Jones, and even though they couldn't do it, I fucking love me. I love who I could be, and even who I was, trapped in their cycle of abuse though I may have been. Shit, I still am, but we're working on that.

Mom, dad, if you find this blog entry somehow, and I hope you don't, don't fucking come to me about how this shit's exaggerated or I'm not remembering it right, I am. The axe forgets, you fucking morons, but the tree remembers.

Amy, if you find this, I hope your husband fucking leaves you, takes his kids, and abandons you in Florida. He may be a doormat, but he deserves better than a slathering narcissist maggot like you.

[lucheng-shu]

I feel like an update could be warranted, since you seemed to enjoy them last time. Not that I think you won't already know somehow what I tell you.

From no intent of my own, I have found myself caring for two youths. One fey, one not. The fey is such a bright thing, of noble blood from what I have heard, but still is so earnest. Their companion seems a little less disciplined, but I would be lying to you if I didn't admit an odd attachment. If only they'd pay attention in lessons - I have been teaching the pair (and a token few of the village) basic literacy and numeracy, sylvan and common. It will do them well.

The city has been mostly stabilised in ruin, and work has begun to build it up. I think I might stay a while, just to aid. My associate Six has made a drinks shop, and I've offered to hold tea ceremonies there for some extra coin.

The people mourn, but their hearts still beat.

Your friends wanted to know when you were coming back. I hate that I couldn't answer.

16.3.1061, 21:55

I only know because you’ve told me now. It just so happens that I am able to be now, far into the past and future. If you never told me, I would not know.

It sounds like you’re doing good. I can imagine how each day goes by, even though I am not there myself. I would pass by each person often. I remember our individual greetings every morning. They take a while to remember, but I’ve had a lot of time, and my time is my love. I think I’ve said that in detail before, though. I’m glad you can spend your day helping yourself and others. Children need a good amount of guidance, and squandering their youth can lead to a lot of problems as they grow. I would have been worried to the bone about them, so I can only thank you for taking on that task. I’m sure they will, too, when they understand quite what it means.

I shall come back exactly when I am meant to, no sooner and no earlier. That is to say, when you all come and save me. Here, currently, I am equally as saved as I am doomed. Alive as I am dead. Another plane has a concept about that, and I wish it was more common here. There’s no point trying to rush things, because they will happen as they happen. Though, I’m not saying not to rush. There’s a difference, I’m sure you understand it.

[ibasae]

rookvil chapter 6 snippets

rook: I remember I said hello first when I saw Vil going over his lines in the courtyard. Under the afternoon's warm sunshine, he looked like a beautiful painting with how gracefully Vil sat.  rook: Although I said hi first, I was beyond nervous. vil: Stop lying, you weren't nervous at all. I still can't forget our first conversation...

[flashback, rook & vil's first year, in the courtyard during a snowy day] rook: Ah! I saw your show a few days ago. Although I've seen your performances in other shows too, you always failed to leave an impression on me. But, the villain you played in the last show was amazing! It's a rare talent, being able to enact someone so cruel and unmistakably terrible.

[present time] vil: ...And that's how I met Rook. epel: u-um...

[ player choice, either "just saying 'good job' is enough..." or "was that praise or insult..."] rook: Oh la la... that was the highest praise I can offer. vil: Although that's the logic, just saying whatever's on your mind is way too much. At the time, I was thinking, "how rude...what's wrong with this guy?" epel: It's natural you'd think that... vil: After that, even if I don't respond, Rook would always butt in, tell me whatever he thought of my shows, and then just leave. He tells me good things, but also bad things.  vil: At first, I thought he was just some guy that wanted to talk over the actors. Yet, during my interactions with him, I found out that Rook's thoughts, or just blatant criticism, are always impressively on point.

[flashback, rook & vil's first year, in the courtyard] rook: Ah! I saw the musical you took part in. You were incredible in the last scene, you know, the one where you realized you got your heart broken?

[flashback, rook & vil's first year, another day in the courtyard] rook: Ah! I think your performance wasn't as smooth as last time, did something happen?

[present time] vil: Just like that, he'd find minor issues accurately even in the parts where I thought I did okay. He could even tell which parts of the play I didn't like and only did what the director told me to.  vil: Things like, "You thought that was enough for the last scene? I don't think so at all." I thought it important enough to listen, so I asked him "how do you think I should enact the last scene?"  vil: And then, when Rook finally finished, 5 hours has passed. epel: F-five hours?! rook: And what meaningful five hours! Other than the performances Vil took part of, we also discussed our opinions on other scripts, performances, and plays... rook: When we came to, it was long past dorm curfew and we had to sneak back into our dorms. vil: I initially thought that none of my peers can beat me in knowledge about theatre and dramas, but, Rook's vast knowledge makes me pale in comparison. To be honest, I was quite ashamed at the time because I couldn't keep up with him half the time.  rook: Unlike Vil, I've had large amounts of free time since I was small.  vil: Ever since, me and Rook would discuss all sorts of things in the courtyard after school.  rook: We always get so immersed, once we even caught a cold from being in the snow for too long. epel: Ahahaha! So those kinds of things happen to you seniors too. epel: But, why do you talk outside during the snow? Since you are in the same dorm, why don't you just talk inside the dormitory? rook: Ah! At the time, I was still a student in Savanaclaw. epel: Eh, Rook-senpai was Savanaclaw's...What!?

...

rook: Initially, the mirror chose Savanaclaw for me. I myself did resonate heavily with the persistence of the King of Beasts, so I didn't question the dorm assignment.  rook: In truth, I've had a wonderful and meaningful time during my stay at Savanaclaw. epel: Eh? If that's the case, why did you transfer to Pomefiore? What a pity... (Vil has no lines here, but he has an angry expression) epel: A-ah. No, I meant, if it fits you, there's no need to transfer...right? rook: It was because I wanted to study "beauty" more deeply. Of course, even if I stayed at Savanaclaw, I might have been able to complete my pursuit for beauty alone regardless. Yet... rook: If I transferred to Pomefiore, which is created for the Beautiful Queen, I'd be closer to the true meaning of beauty--that's what my sixth sense as a hunter told me. epel: E-ehhhhh~? You used intuition to decide something as major as this...? rook: Hahaha! Not just intuition, of course. Another reason was that I wanted to be closer to Vil, so I can observe and study his beautiful form.  rook: In order to create a sharp blade from the burning iron, a "blacksmith" type character is necessary, no? I was planning on becoming the person who gets to sharpen this beautiful blade named Vil.  epel: ehhh... how peculiar.... vil: When I first heard that he "wanted to transfer," I tried stopping him too. But once Rook set his mind on something, nobody can stop him. You all know that by now.

[ player choice, either "crystal clear..." or "The kind of stubborn that you can't beat..." ] vil: When I found out, he had already completed the complex paperwork, ended the ceremony, and has somehow already gotten himself the Pomefiore uniform. He looked completely different from how he does now and stuck out like a sore thumb in the dorm. epel: What did Rook-senpai look like when he first entered the dorm? vil: Firstly, his unkept long hair. It was all dry and frizzly due to how much of it he had. Plus, he is the type to get sunburns easily, but he never takes care of his skin nor does he sunscreen... Starlike freckles peppered his face, and he had a permanently red nose. His clothes were always comfort over style--he never patched his shirts with tears at the end or his pants that had holes at the knees. He just wore them like that.  epel: Ehhh...? You can't tell at all, looking at Rook-senpai now. vil: He also only did the bare minimum when he went to shows that had a dress code.  rook: Ah, how nostalgic! I'm a little embarrassed talking about the past with my junior. epel: With that grin...you aren't embarrassed at all...

[itsmadamehydra]

My Savior || Wayne McCullough

A/N: Just some teenage girl trying to write the story inside her head, hope u like it.

Pairing: Wayne McCullough x oc

Warnings: rape, intention of rape, harassment, blood mention, bullying, language (a little strong)

.................

.................

I've always like to watch him by far, he just seems different from the rest (and oh boy, he is).

The first time I saw him I was in 7th grade. I was just one more girl of the many others that her tities just had started to show and my period started to visit me. I remember that day clearly, I was sitting at the hallway with my bestfriend at the time, eating infront of our lockers when I saw him.

"Am telling ya girl, the answer of number 5 was c." I said trying to reason with her about the science test answers "I told you that if u needed help to study, I could help ya." I smile at her and move my arm upward to touch her shoulder

"Yeah, yeah, I know...are you sure it was not D?" she said frowning her eyebrows once more. We stayed in silence for a sec before bursting into laughter and tears

Little by little our laughs started to fade, allowing ears to hear the background and aswell some loud voices, it sounded like an argument but by the hears of it a fight was going to start soon. "What you think is happening over there?" Cassie murmured, I stared at the end of the hallway where apparently was were the voices were coming from.

"I don't know..." my lips formed a thin line while I was thinking about what could have been happening in there, "You wanna, you know, go and see?" I looked back at my friend

"Freak yeah" she laughed grabbing my hand and running down the hallway to see the soon to be fight.

Once we got there, there was a mass of students surrounding what appeared to be the ones who where arguing. "Ugh, I can't see, I hate been so small." I said, "Hey, that smallness is beautiful and you know you can use that in your own benefit" Cassia said and winked at me.

"I mean, yeah but I can't-" my word stopped at the moment I heard a want sounded and I believe to be a punch in the face. "You saw that!?" Cassie said, "That was freaking awesome, please tell me you saw it!" "Um, nah Cassie, I cant see a crap" i said while trying to find a whole where to see through.

It was only a matter of seconds until more punches were heard. I started pushing people more frantically, I wanted to see what was happening. When I get pass a few amount of studens I almost slipped, looked sown to see what was it and it was stains of blood, only a few but still.

"Oh gosh, disgusting." When I look up only a few students are still in the cafeteria and a guy wearing a grey hoddie was just there, staring at the bloodie face of another guy. I stared back at the hoddie guy and noticed a little hammer in his hand, and the words just came out of my mouth without even noticing, "Why the hammer? Want to be a constructed or something?" He just stared at me and pass by me without saying a word and keeping a neutral face.

"Who the hell was that crazy ass weirdo?" I hear Cassie's voice behind me. "I don't know" I responded, "But I will know...one day."

"Ok,ok, am not going to get in between your little search thingi but am sure he is not good news." Cassie said, "You saw what he did, and he has a FREAKING hammer, y/n! Covered in blood y/n!" She grabbed my shoulders from behind, "I think we all understood the message, stay the fuck away from him, honey."

And I just smiled.

Months later I learned his name. Wayne, Wayne McCullough. Fits the ring if you ask me. Everyone was speaking about how violent, crazy and wierdo he was, about how he was going to show up at your house to beat the hell put of you.

I just observed him by far, well, I like to think that I noticed him. I noticed how he usually beats up those who are some assholes jerks that have only one brain cell as much. Noticed that he is not much of a talker and a shy boy. Noticed how he makes his lips thin when he gets lost in thoughts. How he closes his fist when he is about to do something. His strangely high pain tolerance. His pale skin and dark hair appeared to me to be very llamative and aswell his strength. He was and is skinny but somehow has a great strength, maybe do to the unincredible amounts of fights he gets in. Experience makes the master is what the say...right?

Years went by, we entered to highschool and the nervousness along with the fast beating, sweating and butterflies were still there every time i either tought about him or saw him walking around.

Cassie stayed with me for a while until she decided to join the group of nasty ass bitches with no brain cells who believed no one was better than them. While I...well, I stayed small for a big part I guess, always with good grades, teachers love me and try to be nice with every one I guess.

Everything was going great until Cassie along with some guys recorded me somehow while being drunk and them trying to overpass the boundaries, and let me tell ya.. that was just the start.

The had videos of me at the school bathroom, pictures of my underwear under my skirts and dresses, them trying to touch me. I had to learn to defend myself, stopped using skirts, dresses, shorts even do I loved wearing the. Replace my shoes with tennis and always had hair ties.

"Y/n, wake up! You're going to be late for school, don't think ama wait for you!" I mom yelled.

"Yes, mom! Dont worry, am up!" I run down the stairs with my backpack, went to the kitchen, grabbed an apple and went straight to the car.

"Oh for God sake, y/n" she said went she looked at me and noticed my new hair style.

"What? You don't like it? I just cut it a little." I satered at her innocently

"Your father is not gonna like it and you know it." She said and the stress lines appeared in her forehead, "You know this is his weekend and-"

She couldn't finish her sentence because I started taking, "Am not going to that dickheads house, mother." I said strainly, "Don't want to see his and face of that bitch he cheated you with..." i lowly said but loud enough to hear.

"I know, honey but you have to and besides you get to see your brother!" She patted my thigh, "Haven't seen him in a while right?" She said with a sad tone

"You should be the one seeing him...not me." I stared outside the window, there were just some trees and houses and garbage.

Mom and dad divorced a while back, he cheated on her. The house was a mess that day, screams and broken glass everywhere. Sammy was lucky, he was at grandma's but I was home...listening to every single word. That was also the first time a sneaked out and the first time I sort-of spoke to Wayne.

"What are you doing here?" I heard someone said behind me, I looked and it was fucking Wayne

"Just trying to have some quietness i guess..." I stared at my fingers and started playing with them because of my nervousness, "...What are you doing here?" I asked softly

And he stayed silent...the whole time after that. Either way, his company was nice and the side profile, ufff, amazing.

"Ok, we are here." I stared at the building for a sec before giving my mother a kiss in her cheek and entered to the building.

"Hey y/n! Nice ass!" That was the jerk of all jerks, Jonathan.

I turned around and stared at him, "Oh yeah?" He nodded, "Want to see me shop of your dick?" Changed my tone while saying that into a lower and more serious tone. He just stared at me with sealed lips and left.

I continued walking to my locker and I come to see tgat my freaking lock is broken, I search in all the spaces but nothing is missing.

"Come on! They had just changed me of locker!" I silently yelled. Started grabbing my books for the next few classes when I felt a hand in my shoulder, by instinct I grabbed the wrist, pushed the person against the locker and added pressure in the throat with my other arm.

"Hey y/n" Orlando smiled, "New move?" I chuckled and removed my arm, now, standing face to face I respond

"You know you shouldn't do that Orlando bunny." I laugh st the nickname I gave him a few time ago. Orlando was one of the few FEW people who talked to me, well, he talked to everyone but still.

"I know... I just forgot I guess man." He looked down, "Y/n...have your tities grown bigger?" His face looked confused.

I slapped his head and punched his shoulder, "Could you please stop looking and thinking 'bout tities when am around you?"

"I mean, yeah sure...and sorry about your lock." He points the locker, "Wayne thought it was still his but since-" I cut him off before he could continue

"Wayne?" I asked confused

"Yeah, Is tha-" i cut him off again

"Why did he tho?" I murmured staring at my lock in hand.

"It used to be his locker but oh well...he missed school for 3 weeks and yeah." He grabs his backpacks laces after explaining.

"Oh...ok, is he still here tho?" I looked at Orlando

"I guess..." he was about to say pther thing when the bell ring and we started to go toour classes, "See you later gorgeous!" He yells from the corner of the hallway.

I stayed there...just staring at my lock for a while, then order my things fast and left to class. What I didn't know was that someone was watching at me.

Three days later, i was walking back home and i heard s car going at full speed and nasty comments were started to be listend. I kept walking trying tk pretend they didn't exist when the car is suddenly over the sideway and infront of me.

"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME ASSHOLES!!" I yelled.

"But...you are bot dead right, bitch?" Jonathan said getting out of the car. There were five, 2 guys and 3 girls. "Don't prefer to suck my dick and be my slut, promise I'll pay a good amount." He said infront of me,

"She is already a slut baby." Veronica said

"I bet she has sleeped with half school, wouldn't surprise me if you haven been org*e or something." You know, comments are comments, you are the one who decide what hurt you and whats does not, but being Cassie the one who said that...broke my freaking heart.

I couldn't stand it anymore, wanted to leave the place so i came up with a plan very fast. I walked closer to Jonathan trying to be the most seductive I could, touched his chest, abs and got closer to his ear and said, "You are going to regret everything" Punched him with all my strenght in this genitiles, stomp on his feet, punched his nose and ran the faster I could out of there.

"You bitch!" I heard from far but i continued running, I couldn't stop, i was scared, didn't know what could happen if the get me. I could hear the car engines behind me, but i didn't stop.

I was close a bridge, ran underneath it, passed some houses but i could still hear the voices and car. My legs hurt, i needed to catch my breath, i could hear my heart beat, my body felt on fire. When I less expected am suddenly trapped, there were some abandoned buildings and warehouses but no way to get put of there. This was it, my end.

"Couldn't escape from me you nasty little bitch!?" I heard his voice, i was never one to pray but believe when i say i begged to God to save me. "You ain't going anywhere...bitch" he was behind me, I could sense it.

My hair was pulled, he pulls me by my hair to his car and i notice that it's just him and another guy. Am not getting out of here.

"We are going to have so much fun!" He licks my cheek and i try to kick him wherever.

"HELP!" I yelled, "SOMEBODY PLEASE, HELP!" my voice sounded horrific, like if i hadn't drank a single drop of water in ages, "please" y murmure my last pledge before he finally puts me over the capo of his car.

"No one's gonna help you, you slut." He says, the other guy was just watching and standing still, doing nothing.

I gave up, didn't even notice I was crying until I tasted the salt in my lips. I felt him over me, unbucking my pants and then...i didnt felt his weight anymore, instead, i heard a cry of pain, and then another cry, and another and another.

I lifted my head and there he was, grey hoddie and little hammer in hand...my savior. I smiled.

My smile just grew bigger and bigger every second I saw that boy swing that motherfucker hammer, every second that Jonathan's blood was spilled. I lool around in search pf the pther guy scared that he might try to grab but I get calm when i see him unconscious on the floor.

A few minuts later th cries stop and i look up, Jonathan was missing 3 teeths and face covered with blood, i think he could even have a brocken rib or something.

Am sitting on top of the car's capo when a feel a slight, fragile touch.

"You ok?" Wayne askes pulling a string of my hair behind my ear.

"...now I am." I smile to him and he returns a little small tiny one with a grin. I was about to say something else when he suddenly speaks

"Want to be my girlfriend or whatever?" He says looking exhausted, I chuckle

"Try a little harder and I might be." I say soflty with a small thin smile and he avoids my eyes but I still get to notice a small blush.

...................

Hey! So, yeah. This is my first ever published thing. Hope you enjoyed it and if you want a part two or to keep writing, am open to any suggestion! Am not very good with the warnings section so if you could help me with it, i would totally apreciate that!

Thank you for reading,

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter fifteen - “but she couldn’t”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2.3k

synopsis: bucky and y/n have their first therapy session after what happened a few days prior... things happen.

pairings: bucky x fem!reader

He wrung his hands outside the door, nervous for what was to come. Bucky came alone now, no royal Wakandan guard to escort him. He had graduated past that precaution, with the help of Y/N's insistence. She was always advocating for him.

Ahead of him was the first therapy session after that night with the bonfire and then the leaning and then the pinky promise and—

He was anxious... to see her. To say the least. He wanted this to work, wanted his idea, their agreement to work. He wanted this to work because he didn't know what he was more afraid of: seeing her again or never seeing her again.

Frankly, he didn't care what their "professional boundaries" were. He just liked to be around her. Personal. Professional. It didn't really matter to him. He didn't care whether they sat across from each other on the therapy couches or if they were closer. Sitting on the floor... leaning...

Again, he didn't care. It was Y/N's worries that worried him.

Just go, idiot.

He knocked.

"Come in!"

Bucky was careful when he opened the door, almost as if he was trying not to frighten a timid animal. Her face was carrying a lot. Behind her eyes was an abundance of thoughts, worries, feelings, and more. He wasn't sure how he knew... he just did. He knew her.

He silently made his way to his couch, his side of the room. He felt so separate.

"Good morning," her voice was flat and controlled. Her tone was friendly and light, but still controlled; he could tell.

"Mornin,'" was all he said. He was apprehensive to interrupt what was so far in tact.

"Can I just start by apologizing for how I spoke to you the other day. About your arm and everything else. I was out of line. I'm really sorry."

"It's alright," he breathed, looking up at her. Yep, a lot of thoughts in there. "You weren't exactly wrong..."

"Doesn't mean it wasn't rude."

"I've already forgiven you... like two seconds after it happened. Don't worry about it."

Her eyebrows creased, face contorting into clear concern. "If it upset you, you can tell me. I don't want to let anything fester... please."

"I guess I have issues with the arm, but... not with you."

"Do you want to talk about that?"

Bucky exhaled. "What else are we here for, right?"

She gave him an encouraging look, as if to say go on. He got the hint.

"I just feel sort of incomplete. Having one arm is... strange. And I guess I never had to deal with it before, because Hydra gave me the cybernetic arm... Well more like attached it to me. It's not like I had a say."

"You lost your arm back on that train in the forties, and you never really got a chance to cope with that loss. It's a huge change for your body and mind to get used to, and it's completely understandable that you're having trouble with it."

"My body feels so off now. Everything I do I have to do differently, and it just makes it all so difficult."

"Are there things we need to fix for accessibility? I can talk to Shuri and-"

"No, it's fine," he was quick to deny any assistance. "I don't wanna complain."

"It's not complaining, Buck. If you need help, it's okay-"

"I don't want help. Everyone's always helpin' me. I don't need to ask for more."

"Bucky..."

"It's fine, I just... need to suck it up and deal."

"There's no reason to 'suck it up' when it's a problem that can be fixed," she offered.

His voice sunk to a whisper, guilt withering his confidence. "I'm sick of being everyone's problem."

Did he just say that? He wasn't sure he meant to. His feelings sort of leak out when he talks to her. Like it's easy. Like it's safe.

- - -

READER

She could feel her heart nearly rupture at his words and the broken cadence in his voice. She wanted to leap out of her seat, pull him close, and hold him until all the pieces stuck back into place. But she couldn't.

Oh, Bucky, she sighed sorrowfully in her head. She wanted to cup his face and tell him how he most definitely was not a problem. How he was wonderful and patient and trusting and kind and a thousand other things she never was. But she couldn't. It hurt to not be able to comfort him the way she felt she needed to do.

Instead, she took a deep breath, and said what she was supposed to say.

"That's a really hard thing to have on your mind, Bucky. I'm sorry. But I can promise you that we really are here to help you. And we want to. I'm not going to tell you what you can and can't feel, but please know that me or Shuri or anyone else - we don't think you're a problem."

He looked down at his hands, avoiding eye contact and mumbling, "Thank you."

He didn't seem convinced. Her chest tightened. She wanted to do more. But she couldn't.

"I flew all the way from Europe to come help you. And I mean, I didn't know you then, but looking back now, I'm damn well glad I did."

"Yeah, but now you're away from home on another continent because of me."

"Bucky, I chose to come here. No one made me."

He put a hand on his forehead, fingers rubbing at his temples in tired frustration. Like he had been bullied by these thoughts for a while now. There had clearly been a lot going on with him that he hadn't told her. A part of her wanted to admonish him. She wanted to scold him for not letting her help. For not letting her erase any and all bad feelings.

"I can't-..." he sighed, voice helpless. "I can't even cut my own hair..."

She closed her eyes, feeling the pain radiating off of him.

"... can't even make myself feel human."

Y/N moved before she could think the better of it. She was in front of him before she even registered the movement. It was automatic, involuntary. Her body just had to get to him. Make it better. Make the hurt go away. Like a reflex. She felt chemicals with him; he was an instinct.

She knelt in front of his feet, looking up at his sitting figure still on the couch.

"Give me your hand."

He stared down at her, confused. "What?"

"Reach your arm out."

Reluctantly he obeyed.

Slowly, softly, delicately, she smoothed her hand over his and up his forearm. Starting at his fingers, moving over the center of his palm, and gliding up his wrist to then pivot her hand so that her fingers were on the underside of his forearm and her thumb settled a tender touch on his pulse point. (the gif!)

She tried to transfer every ounce of compassion into her touch in an attempt to fade his distress, his guilt, his pain. A physical way of expressing that, yes, someone did care about him. So, so deeply. Even if he didn't see it.

She exerted a slight amount of force on her thumb so that he could feel the pressure of his pulse.

"You feel that?"

He nodded.

"That's your heart beating. How profoundly human."

Then she splayed her hand over the top of his forearm.

"You feel the coolness in my hand?"

Again, he nodded.

"That's your body heat. How beautifully human."

Still with a hand on his skin, she moved up to sit next to him. She brought his hand up to his chest, pressing it flat up against the center of his rib cage and holding her hand on top.

"Can you feel that?"

"Mhm."

"That's your heart. That's you. You're all heart, Buck. You're so deeply, wonderfully human. All the way to your bones."

She looked into his eyes then, and he bore into her in a way she's only seen one or two times before. Their hands remained against each other, over his heart, when he spoke.

"I don't deserve this... deserve you..."

There was no hesitation. "You deserve everything good and then some."

She rubbed her thumb softly on the back on his hand, hoping to communicate the sentiment as lovingly as she could. She wanted him to know that he mattered.

"Even though I took you away from your home and your work and everything else... all for my stupid screwed up head."

"I don't... really have a home to go back to," she confessed. "Like, yes, I had a place to live, but.. not a home."

He almost chuckled. "Neither do I."

Maybe sometimes home was a person.

"You have people, though. Which is good. You know, Steve, Sam."

"You." His voice was soft.

It made her lungs almost contract. She could've sworn her cells began to heat up. God, she felt so much. Such strong ardency. You have me, she thought. Until every last star in the galaxy dies. You have me. She wanted to say that. But she couldn't.

"Right. And I have you," she offered, trying to reciprocate the sentiment without pouring out the adoration that was in her head.

He stared at her, dead in the face like he was looking into her soul. With his entire chest he whispered like it was the only truth he'd ever known. "You have me."

His eyes were blue and his face was kind and then the back of her head felt warm like someone's hand was on it. His voice was soft and his heart was beating and then every nerve in her body ignited into flames because his lips were on hers. His lips were on hers and any semblance of control she might've had left burned up as she burned for him.

Slow and heavy, she melted into him. Parts of her found parts of him. Fingers softly curled at the nape of his neck, palm pressed up against his chest and feeling his heartbeat. On Bucky's chest, her hand was where his previously was. But now, his hand was cupping the back of her head and it was dizzying.

He tasted like rumination and benevolence and thank you. She moved her lips as if to pull out every inch of sorrow and grief and heartache and say I'm sorry. Sorry for all the things that happened to him that weren't good and gentle. For every hand that had hurt him; for all the hands that had touched him that weren't hers. But she couldn't. Oh god, she couldn't. What was she doing?

She pulled her head away even though it felt like a gravitational pull as strong as the sun's was keeping her there. In response to her movements, Bucky leaned back too. He removed his hand and suddenly she felt cold. No, she felt frozen. How could this happen? This wasn't supposed to happen.

"I-I," she stammered, having no idea what to say. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be."

She looked away from him, eyes anywhere but his. She stared to the side of the room.

"No, I-... I can't- we can't... this is-"

"I kissed you."

She avoided whatever that was the same way she avoided his gaze.

"This is transference," she declared, not even dignifying what he said.

"Huh?"

"Transference, it's- it's when a patient's feelings from something or someone else get redirected and projected towards their therapist. That's... that's what's happening here."

"It is?"

He didn't seem very convinced.

"Yes. It happens sometimes, it's not anyone's- ... it's okay."

"This is okay?"

"No!" she caught her breath. "No. The... action is not okay, but the fact that it happened isn't something to be faulted. It's not unheard of; it's a common phenomenon in therapy, so..."

She could feel him looking at her. She wished he'd stop. She felt like she might faint. Her lips were numb.

"So..."

"So, it just can't happen again. Okay? No one's in trouble. Let's just... be aware of the possible consequences of transference and make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Y/N..."

She thought there might've been a slight inflection of fear in his voice.

"Yes?"

"Look at me... please."

She sighed and turned her head. Fuck. She wished she'd drown.

"Does this mean you're leaving?... or not leaving for that matter?"

His eyes were pleading, vulnerable, and scared. If she was honest, she wasn't sure she could leave him if she tried. In fact, a tiny repressed part of her mind wanted to stay with him forever. But she couldn't.

She reminded herself why she was here, and why they needed boundaries. But when reasoning with her inner logician, she wasn't sure leaving would even be the best option. It's not like Bucky needed more disruption in his life. He needed some sort of constant, something reliable and trustworthy. At least that's what Y/N told herself as she realized that if she left him with that look in his eye, she could never forgive herself.

"No, I don't... I don't have to leave. As long as we make sure that doesn't happen again."

Relief visibly flooded his face. "Okay... okay, good."

Seeing his worry wane was alleviating. Though, she wished she could do more. She wished his hand was still on the back of her head, and her hand was still on his chest. She wished she could rewind back to that moment and just sit within it for a bit longer.

But she couldn't.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @nickkie1129 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lauxrens @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @quxxnxfhxll @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @maravderofthephoenix @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars

[razrbladekiss]

Tyrants | Chapter Two - Gutless

WORD COUNT: 4k

WARNINGS: Death (murder), brief descriptions of gore, Isla and Jax doing something very illegal

MASTERLIST

The morning sun was beating down upon the pair a little bit harsher now, inducing a sheen of sweat to coat over Jax's forehead.

But the perspiration could've formed as a result of coming to the realization that he'd just blown the brains out of an ATF agent, left his body to decompose on Tara's bathroom floor, and spilled his guts--not even twenty-four hours later--to Isla.

Jax knew that he could trust her with anything--he always had been able to trust her with anything. But there was something telling him that she didn't exactly feel too wonderful about his revelation.

Her arm lifted to run across her forehead, ridding the skin of a few salty droplets.

"What do you mean--"

"I mean I put a bullet through his fuckin' skull and blew his brains out, Isla! That's what I mean."

He ran a thumb over his lips, realizing that he should've kept his tone subdued so close to the main doors of the clubhouse.

"Jesus, Jax." She breathed out, pinching the bridge of her nose as he started to pace quietly. "I--I can't believe you're telling me this."

Well, she could. Really, there wasn't anything she could've put past Jax anymore. And when it came to Tara...The man was an idiot. Always had been.

"Why was Kohn even at her place?"

Jax was fidgety. Uneasy. She couldn't blame him for that, could she? Because he'd just fucking killed a man--but still.

He wasn't even trying to hide it.

"Or did you lure him there or something--"

"Shut up." He growled, grabbing her bicep with his left hand as he pulled her to the side of the building. "Just listen to me."

"I'm listening, Jax, but you don't seem to be telling me a lot."

Realizing that he wasn't offering very much explanation, he nodded. Jax let go of her and beckoned her closer, pleading eyes melting her fucking heart.

"Isla, please." He wrapped his arms around her, minding the bloodied shirt.

"What do you want me to do?"

Ringed fingers splayed over her cheek, pushing stray blonde hairs out of her face. He sighed hard. Exasperated.

"Help me get rid of him--"

"Jackson--"

"I'm not asking you to lug his dead body to the creek and throw him in. I'm just asking you to offer a helping hand and be a lookout or something."

Isla searched his features for a morsel of something that'd indicate Jax was messing with her. But he was dead serious--his face set to neutral, eyes glazed over.

"But--I--what about Cameron?"

"Tara and Chibs have it covered." He murmured, heeding the apprehension sail over her.

She was as strong and willing as she possibly could've been. Isla was consistently the person that Jax and Opie would turn to for advice when it came to their girls, or when they needed to be pointed in the right direction.

But he'd never asked her to do such a thing before.

Her loyalty outweighed her nervousness, however. He knew she'd never say no to helping him with such a matter--but it was still asking too much.

Chibs would've been furious that Jax felt it necessary to beg Isla for assistance during such a time, too. Hell, Gemma would've admonished him for it.

"Where is he?" She mumbled, hearing the clubhouse door open and an irritated grunt sounding from the front of the lot.

Jax held her close to his chest, a hand tracing over the skin of her shoulder that'd been exposed as the shirt fell to the middle of her arm.

"Tara's place." His whisper was monotonous, bordering on lifeless.

"Okay--when do you need to do this?"

He eyed Tig storming from the building and toward his motorcycle, completely unaware of the two conspiring.

"Tonight." His voice came low and gravely. "I'll ride to her place now, and you go home, get yourself cleaned up, do whatever you've gotta do today, and we'll head there--"

"I'm not cleaning myself up. I'm already covered in blood--I don't think I need to destroy another shirt."

"Okay." Jax's lips rubbed together, almost turning upward into a smile. "But don't follow me out, alright? Go tell Gemma that you don't know where I went, and then you take it from there."

"And if Tara asks..."

A gentle kiss against her forehead almost forced tears to collate in her eyes.

"She won't ask--she knows I've gotta do this."

Isla silenced herself, though she nodded and watched as Tig--pissed as hell--rode out of the lot and onto the street.

She guessed that he was still piqued after she and Chibs yelled at him.

And she was still pissed at Jax, but for a different reason now.

This time, she wanted to slap the shit out of the blonde idiot standing before her, requesting help with disposing of a literal dead body.

Isla couldn't quite believe that Jax had turned to her and not somebody like Opie--somebody who would be able to help a little more physically--but she could only assume that it was more of a trust thing.

He had a lot of faith in her and she lauded that. But it also saw her get thrust into some questionable situations.

"You look like you're gonna puke." Juice stifled a laugh as Isla padded in, the bottom of her shirt wrenched between bloodied fingers. "Are you good?"

"Yeah." Instantly, she responded. "I'm fine. I just need to get my purse."

Clay was nowhere to be seen--possibly in the back room with Chibs and Tara--but Gemma's eyes focused on the blonde's form as she strolled across the wood.

"You don't look fine. Come sit for a little while."

"I'm gonna head home--"

"Where'd Jax go?" Gemma cut in, lifting an eyebrow conspicuously.

Tell Gemma that you don't know where I went.

"I don't know." She frowned, sitting on the barstool opposite the woman. "We shared a cigarette, talked about Abel, and then he told me he had to go--where, I don't know."

Did she feel bad about roping his child into their little lie? Yeah, a bit. But it was foolproof. Gemma never would've suspected anything to do with Abel because, really, Jax brought him up to everyone whenever he got the chance to.

"Ah. He's probably headed over to see him. I'll go--"

"I wouldn't." Isla pushed. "He's trying to get some alone time with him. He said that he hasn't really been able to spend one-on-one time with Abel all too much."

Which wasn't a lie. Jax needed to spend those rare solitary moments with his baby because his mother couldn't seem to leave St. Thomas for more than three hours at a time.

Gemma just hummed, turning away.

She knew how he felt. But she was Abel's grandma--she just wanted to know that he was safe and being looked after.

"I'm sorry, that was mean...I just think he's a little confused right now, and could use five minutes with his son."

"No, you're right." She nodded, unable to heed the trepidation flitting over Isla because she felt bad about coming down on Gemma in such a way.

That woman was a Godsend to Jax, his children, and even Isla's family. She didn't deserve to be randomly admonished for wanting to visit her baby's baby. Not after everything she'd done for them.

Well, besides trying to murder the mother of Jax's first born. That was a little fucked up--even by SAMCRO's standards.

But Isla adored her. For everything she had done for her during the time she'd resided in Charming, Gemma was regarded extremely fucking highly in her book.

"Go home, baby. Get some sleep, too--you need to rest."

Isla waved her off. "I'm not tired, just feelin' a little gross."

"I'd bet." Gemma pushed her lips together, smiling as much as she could've. "You go yourself pretty again, and swing by later for dinner."

"Yes ma'am." She mock saluted, reaching for her purse.

Goodbyes between Isla, Gemma, and Juice were uttered for a few moments before the blonde made her way to the door.

Her eyebrows raised inquisitively, urging her to turn back to the duo.

"Gem?"

"Mhm?"

"Was Tig alright?" Sincerely, she asked. Feeling a little guilty about snapping earlier.

Gemma didn't say anything but her head bobbed in confirmation, providing Isla with the answer she needed.

The Irish in her shone through during instances like those. She was brash in her actions, words, and the fact she'd always speak before she thought--but the solemnity with which she would ponder, apologize after making a mistake, was just so plainly Irish.

Isla was kind. Caring. Nurturing. She was everything that SAMCRO was not--but, at the same time, everything that Chibs was. Reliable. Loyal. Committed. A true ride or fucking die.

Everybody trusted her, and nobody second-guessed confiding in her.

And, once again, that had its reparations alongside a multitude of perks.

"Holy mother of Jesus." She cursed, the unmistakable Belfast twang flickering through her brusque tone.

Jax haphazardly pulled the bed-sheet over Kohn's lifeless frame, turning to face his little friend who was, to put it lightly, fucking stunned.

"You sound super Irish when you're mad."

"I'm glad you could recognize that I'm mad at you, Jax." Her eyes never once left the outline of that dead body half on Tara's bedroom carpet, half on the tile of her en-suite.

Getting to her knees, disregarding an incredulous amount of blood decorating the walls and carpets, Isla pulled the floral cover off of Josh.

She sighed. "Why'd you do it?"

"He was stalking Tara--"

"So you just blew his fucking brains out?!" Her shriek was guttural. "Jesus Christ, Jax. And you idiots think that Tig is the one with a trigger problem."

"He does have a problem, and you know that! This was different!" He countered, pulling her to her feet. "This was fucking restitution, Isla!"

"No." Calmly, she stated. Her glare piercing. "This was fucking stupid. Possibly the most idiotic thing that you've ever done, Jackson."

His head shook as he sneered, towering over her. Isla felt intimidated. For the first time ever, she felt an unwavering sensation of overawe whilst in the presence of her best friend.

"He was a bad guy. He had to die."

"But he was fucking ATF! Hale is gonna get your ass, and there's nothing Unser will be able to help you with once he gets wind of this--"

Isla's voice cracked around a small sob. She wasn't even aware of the tears welling in her eyes, but they were there the entire time.

It was the thought of Jax making one incredible life altering fuck up--one that he wasn't going to save himself with a bribe, or the simple luck of a good connection to Charming PD--that was maiming her uncomfortably.

Jax's arms wound around her trembling waist, hugging her tightly against his palpitating chest.

The sheer terror visible in her mannerisms was what frightened him. Isla never seemed to scare very easily--or, at least, she didn't show it.

She was fearless, but she was still human. And he had only seen her crack twice. Both times because of the club, too.

"He was stalking Tara." He reinstated, circling his fingers over Isla's svelte spine. "They dated when she was in Chicago, she broke things off but he was a clingy motherfucker and he wouldn't leave her alone."

"She should've gotten a restraining order or something." She mumbled into his chest, sniffing back tears.

"That's the thing. She did. But he broke it by coming back to Charming, pretending to be setting up shop at the PD with Hale, but he followed her around town for a couple weeks instead."

"And nobody questioned why he wasn't getting anything done?"

Jax's head shook. "He was still working for Chicago--or so he said, anyway--so Hale just assumed any intel for whatever the fuck it was he'd been workin' on was going straight back to the big bosses."

She was struggling to follow on.

It was such a convoluted scenario that Isla never thought she'd become entwined with--though, with Jax and Charming being, well, Jax and Charming, she didn't know why she ruled something of the sort out.

"Are you gonna tell Gemma and Clay--"

"No. This is between us, and Tara."

Isla didn't have the energy to bicker with him again. She didn't want to bicker with him again, truthfully.

"Alright, what's the next move, then? 'Cuz this pig can't stay wrapped up in a sheet for too much longer or else he's gonna start to stink this place out."

Jax situated both hands against crimson coated shoulders, lightly pushing her backward so she could look up to meet his gaze.

"I got a plan. But I don't think you're gonna like it."

His eyes went straight to the lighter atop Tara's bedside table, right next to the pineapple scented candle, and she sighed hard.

The man was so sadistic. It wasn't even slightly discreet anymore, really.

Whereas Clay had always been ruthless, remarkably barbaric toward those who had wronged him--or anyone, really--Jax had more of a moral compass. Not much more, but a little. And that was the sort of thing that tied him straight to JT.

But Clarence Morrow had a much more potent impact on Jax's life, thus the man's foibles ended up transpiring to his stepson.

"This is seriously fucked up."

"I know." He didn't even try to argue, pushing Josh into the small grave he'd spent the last ten minutes digging at the pit of a deep, deep ditch.

Isla's body was below freezing, cold and uneasy at the prospect of potentially being caught, or assumed as an accessory to the murder of a federal agent.

"I'm sorry for roping you into this." Jax stated, almost reading her mind. "I just didn't know what else to do."

She ran a hand over his forearm, resting her head comfortably against navy-cotton covered flesh. "I know."

He didn't expect the woman to douse the dead body in gasoline, set it alight, and wait all night for the corpse to torrefy entirely--but she was there now. There was no reason she shouldn't go to the trouble of lighting the first match.

Tara should be the one doing this, Isla thought to herself as the small stick caught alight. She dropped it atop the sheet, taking a few steps backward when the thing immediately shot up into thick flames.

Jax engulfed her warmly with both arms, holding her tightly as if continuing their prior embrace. It felt safe, unusually so. But, to Isla, it felt like he was scouting for that security more than what she was.

"I can't believe you committed murder for a woman that you haven't seen for ten whole years." She laughed against his sweatshirt, eyes watering. "Is there something going on with you two again?"

"No." Huskily, he responded. "There isn't, and there won't be, either. I just swung by her place to make sure she was alright--I knew she was having trouble with that fucker--and he was there. I had to do it, Isla."

"I know."

She didn't. She did not know. She did not want to know, either. She couldn't fucking believe he'd acted out so rashly, how he was so trigger happy.

Jax was morphing into a different man and she couldn't help but pin that on the club.

"Is she alright?"

"I don't think so." His mumble was barely audible, but she caught it.

Isla squeezed his arm reassuringly, knowing that he felt bad about bringing that sort of trouble to Tara.

"She will be." She confirmed. "She's a strong girl, Jax, she'll be okay."

It didn't kill her to speak positively about Tara, she still held a place in her huge Irish heart--but it was an odd sensation to be mentioning her at all.

Ten years had passed by and Isla wasn't even certain that she was still alive. Her concern for the doctor seemed to dissipate over time because Tara didn't want anything more to do with them, so they didn't try with her.

Maybe it was a pang of jealousy that held her back. She was undeniably envious of the fact that she'd gotten out of town, worked her ass off, and experienced bigger and better things.

But, essentially, everything led back to Charming, and Tara Knowles had ended up falling into that same heap of trouble she left behind a decade ago.

Isla pulled her cellphone from the back pocket of her jeans, groaning when she saw the time.

"We've got an hour before Gemma wants us for dinner. You think this son of a bitch is gonna turn into dust within the next sixty minutes?"

"No." Jax laughed, leaning to his left and propping his head atop hers. "But he'll be unrecognizable in the next twenty."

"Perfect."

It was barbarous. Vile. Inhuman.

Isla's mother would be spinning in her grave if she knew the chaos she'd managed to find herself meshed with. Diane would kill Chibs, too.

She'd kill him for roping her baby into such malice after leaving Belfast. She'd want to throttle the Scottish son of a bitch for welcoming little Isla Áine Telford to SAMCRO, to Charming, to Jax fucking Teller.

They weren't natives to the small town, nor were they natives to California. Chibs had just moved from charter to charter. Continent to fucking continent. And taking his little angel along for the ride wasn't exactly planned until his late wife took her very last breath one stormy morning.

It was the most upsetting thing he had to do, telling his daughter that the woman she looked up to and adored with every fiber of her being wasn't coming home.

He'd been in the army, he'd seen things no man should've ever seen, but the sight of that six year old--teary-eyed and partially cognizant--was something that cut him so deeply, Jimmy O'Phelan's mark didn't seem to scratch the surface of Chib's inconsolable hurt.

"I think we're good now." A little nervous, Isla noted.

She simply couldn't wait to get out of the bitter chill, into a hot shower, and to the dinner table at the Teller-Morrow residence.

Jax surveyed the scene. He crouched down, heeding the flicker and sick crackle of flames engulfing the barely fleshed body.

"I think so, too." He confirmed, throwing her the keys to his SUV. "Get outta the cold--I'll finish up here. K?"

She nodded, clutching the chain close to her chest.

Isla wasn't sure how badly she was trembling until she sat still in the passenger seat, watching the club's VP commit the unspeakable.

Really, she wasn't shocked to find out that Jax was capable of the sort. Burning a man dead was better than burning one alive, and she was thankful that Josh had been put out of his misery before his body was cauterized into dust...Which was more than what could've been said about Kyle Hobart.

She remembered overhearing the club's plans to sear, or slice, the SAMCRO tattoo from the back of that brute once they'd gotten wind of his inability to black it out.

And she would've felt bad about that man getting viciously harmed, if he didn't fuck Opie over and subsequently land him in Chino to serve five years away from Charming and his family.

It was cruel, she knew that. To blowtorch the MC tattoo from the stretch of his back, was fucking cruel. Isla knew that Tig was adept at causing such blistering agony, but she didn't think he would actually go through with it, least of all with such delight.

Isla feared that man sometimes. Clay's right hand, the man who sought to protect her, fucking terrified her because he was so unpredictable. So fast acting.

"He's done." Jax officially confirmed, sliding into the driver's seat. "You okay?"

She was staring off into space, her eyes glazing over at the realization she had just helped dispose of another human being.

"Isla--"

"I'm good." Finally, she spoke. "I just--uh--I just wanna get cleaned up and head to dinner now."

He pinched the keys from a frail palm, sticking them into the ignition. All the while wondering what the fuck he was going to do with the shaken up woman to his right.

Twenty-three years of friendship, and Isla never once thought she'd be involved in such incredulous activity. Jax never thought she'd get hauled into it either, really.

Juice was right. She looked like she was going to throw up, all pale and sickly.

He had done that. Jax was, essentially, the reason that Isla seemed as though she wanted to crawl out of her own fucking skin. Granted, she was already feeling rather discomfited after tending to Cameron's laceration for hours on end--at odds with her father and Tig for that time, too.

But now this...This made Isla feel horrible. Dirty. Disgusting.

"You want me to tell Gemma you're not feeling it tonight?" Jax looked beside himself, noticing her head hanging low as she flared out of the window. "So you can skip seeing everybody--"

"No." Flatly, she responded. "No, I wanna make sure Tig doesn't hate me."

"Why would he hate you?"

"I yelled at him." Isla sounded downcast, sad. "He was watching, being awkward, trying to tell me what dad and I were doing wasn't going to suffice, and I just snapped."

In understanding, he hummed. He knew how irritating Alexander Trager was. Irritating, insufferable, it was all the same.

"He won't hate you for that." Comfortably, Jax rested a hand on Isla's thigh.

She barely felt the ringed fingers gently gliding along her jeans as she shook. It was a tremor, light and unnoticeable to the naked eye, that Jax felt reverberate through his entire body through his palm.

"I don't think he's managed to be pissed at you for more than fifteen minutes at a time."

"Yeah." She mumbled, shifting awkwardly. "Yeah, you're right. I'm too sweet for anybody to stay mad at me--"

"I wouldn't say you were sweet."

She smacked at his hand with a laugh, throwing her head backward as her smile started to fade.

It was bittersweet.

Bittersweet because she was realizing that Tig had pardoned her for being a bitch, but she had also just disposed of a dead body on the side of the freeway.

Bittersweet because, now, there was no clear path for her and Jackson and whatever happened was just going to happen and they had to grin and bear it. Pretend it wasn't eating them from the inside out.

Bittersweet because their families--their family--were currently sat around the oak table in Gemma's dining room, waiting for the pair to waltz in after doing the most heinous.

Bitter. Fucking. Sweet.

"Where were you guys?!" Tig pointed his beer bottle at the duo, heeding Jax's hand in Isla's back pocket.

Of course, to Trager, that was more than just a comfort thing. He didn't know what they had just done--nor would he--but she was going to let him believe whatever the fuck he wanted to as long as it wasn't the actual truth.

"It don't matter." Clay dismissed, gesturing to Jax and Isla's designated spaces at the table. "They're here now. That's all I care about."

Her smile was warm, friendly and welcoming while she sat in between her father and partner in crime. Literally.

Chibs nudged her. "You alright?"

"Yeah." Slowly, she uttered. She reached for the wine glass that Gemma had so kindly laid out for her.

The two blondes made eye contact for a few moments, Jax's crystalline hues completely lifeless. Arid. He nodded toward her, an indication that he was feeling alright.

But Isla...She wasn't. Lying through her teeth was the only feasible means of getting over this. Whatever this was.

"I'm fucking brilliant, dad."

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE ❜

✨ REQUEST: hermanikiiiiiii i wanted to request you the prompt number 1 with coco cruz!!thank you, love you muchisisimoooooo💕💕

✨ PROMPTS: “Wait, you love me? Like Garfield loves Lasagna?”

✨ MADE BY: Juls.

Gif credit: to my lovely @supervalcsi.

WORDS: about 2k.

❚❙ A/N: this writing hasn’t been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I’m sorry about that. If you find a description about body or a word out of place or something that makes you feel uncomfortable / unrepresented, let me know by a private message and I will change it delighted ❤

❚❙ JOHNNY ‘COCO’ CRUZ MASTERLIST.

❚❙ MASTERLIST.

❚❙ JOIN MY TAG LIST.

When you heard that Coco had been shot, your heart suddenly stopped. It was four days ago in some kind of dog's fight, as Chuckie told you at the scrapyard. Bishop needed someone to take care of him while they were investigating what happened, so you offered yourself without doubting it.

Much to your regret, you are only two good friends, even if you feel more things that you can't explain, about which you haven't talked with anyone. And thanks to your work in the hospital, you managed a room only for him, so he could rest as much as he wanted, as much as he needed. But your back hurts like hell after being sleeping on the sofa, close to the bed, just to make sure that you were able to attend to all his necessities for minimal they were.

These days there, you have learned a lot about him, about his curiosities, about his fears; spending his time awake talking with you to keep his mind entertained, to not think about the pain in his lower abdomen. Your mates took the bullet in a jiffy, but, normally, the sorrow remains for a couple of weeks. Luckily, he only complained when the hour of the next turn of medicines was close.

You have tried to not think about your feelings the time you were in the hospital, but it was impossible. All you wanted to do was to lie by his side on the bed, embrace him between your arms and kiss him, having to conform yourself with holding his hand and resting your cheek on the mattress. Your eyes have never left his eyes, not even when he was sleeping, on alert in case of an unforeseen because of pain, or an infection, or God who knows. You were really paranoid.

“You ready?”

Coco glared at you, slightly tilting his head. You had asked the same question five times in the last two minutes. Offering him a hand to secure himself, the mexican put down from the hospital bed, ready to leave and go home. Angel and Gilly had cleaned his house, even if you insisted to Bishop that you could do it. But he asked you back to stay with him till the next morning, so he wouldn't stay the night alone until they came back from the other side of the border.

Two knocks in the opened door brought you back to reality from your own thoughts, in the meantime that you helped Coco to wear his leather kutte. Directing your tired eyes to the entrance of the room, you found three Vicki's girls, happily waving their hands. Raising an eyebrow confused and your lips pressed, they came in without asking.

“Papi, we've missed you”. The latin and playful tone of voice from Mariela, as she swung her hips to your friend, gave you shivers.

In just one sight, your presence was pushed to the background. These girls hadn't even called to ask about his state of health and, now, they were there as if they did all the work you did —delighted, of course. Trying to keep calm, you put Coco's clothes into his bag, zipping it when everything is ready.

“No te preocupes, we take care of him now”. Carolina sentenced with contempt and superiority, grabbing his stuff ready to abandon the hospital.

“Yeah, mami. Go home and rest”. His words hurt. More than a bullet.

Preferring their company besides yours let you know that he hadn't taken in count what you did. And yes, you did it because you wanted, but you also thought that maybe could mean a step ahead. But it wasn't. Not saying a word, doing anything but a simple nod with your chin, you grabbed your bag to step out from there. Ashamed. Feeling stupid.

Two weeks have passed and Coco has come back to the clubhouse. This time you have been doing extra shifts to compensate for your lost days taking care of him, almost walking like a zombie from home to work, and from work to home. So, when Bishop invites you to a party in his honor, you decline it. You are too tired physically to assist and tired mentally for foolishness. What is the point of going to a party to see Coco having fun with those bitches? You have had enough after two weeks without receiving a single text to thank you or to know how you are. He hasn't even cared about the fact that you haven't shown up in the club for two weeks. That's the little he thinks in your friendship.

Zapping from one channel to another, you try to find something to watch. A movie, a tv show, whatever that helps to distract your mind, while you enjoy thai noodles with beef. Finally finding an action movie, you cover yourself with a cozy blanket, grabbing the cardboard box to start your dinner. The ringtone of your phone interrupts your calm, with Coco's name on the screen. At first, you don't want to answer, but he continues insisting for more than three long minutes. Hanging up and calling again. With a furious growl installed in your throat, you leave over the table your dinner to grab your phone.

“The fuck means you aren' comen'?”

He doesn't even let you say hi or how are you.

“It means that I'm tired and I have to work at five”.

“I don' think one damn beer reverses your sleeping schedule, Yo' Grace”.

“Fuck you, Jonathan. I've been working double shifts to cover the hours I was taking care of you in th—”.

“Nobody asked you to do it”.

Eyes widened and your heart racing. You can't believe he just said that.

“Yeah, nobody did. But your hermanos preferred to be on the other side of the border. Your putas preferred to be partying and sucking dicks in Vicki's. And your mamá sent me pal' carajo when I called to tell her what happened. I did it because I was your friend. Because I cared about you. Because seeing you there with… all those tubes was killing me. That shit continues giving me nightmares every fucking night. But you shit on that. You kicked me as soon as your putas came to the hospital”. You don't know when you have started to cry, more than because of the rage than because of the sadness. “I'm sorry if I'm too tired to drink a fucking beer, but my job is more important than a person who doesn't give a shit about me, who hasn't called or text me in two weeks, who only wants my company when no one else is around. Have fun in your damn party and fuck all those whores to thank them for picking you up from the hospital, but didn't care about how you were after being shot”.

Hanging up, you toss the phone somewhere on the table, wrapping your body with the blanket and lying down on the sofa. Trying to contain the tears, the only thing you earn is to cry bitterness. You can't understand why he only has noticed your absence at the party. What has changed? Probably it was his egocentrism working, wanting to be surrounded by a lot of people, not caring if they're his friends or not. But you're done being his lapdog.

About to fall asleep, the angry hits in the main door make you suddenly wake up agitated.

“Open up!”

The rage is consuming you again after hearing the strong mexican accent, taking three long strides towards it to receive him with your reddened crystal eyes.

“What the fuck 'you want now? Haven't you had enough beating myself up?”

“You're fuckin' dramatic”. He spits in your face, stopping with a foot the slam to his about to close the door again. “I didn't talk to you because you were working, bu' you didn't talk to me either”.

“Yeah, because you were served with your bitches. Go fuck yourself, Jonathan”.

“Don' call me like that again”. Coco grunts taking a step into your house. “You had to work, they came to cover your back”.

“Oh, please, don't make me laugh. They just wanted to have the credits of taking care of you, so you will expend more money with them. That's the only thing they care about you. Wake up from your world of fantasy, Coco. If you weren't part of the MC, you wouldn't be a shit for them; just another fucking soldier with a broken home”. You can't help but push his chest with both hands, driven by anger.

At first, he doesn't say anything. He looks thoughtful, being aware of the truth in your words. And it hurts that you have to be the one to open his eyes. The problem is that you weren't thinking while talking, pulling your gaze away from him and pressing your trembling lips, one against the other.

“I'm sorry”. You babble, cleaning your tears with the back of your left hand. “I didn't mea—”.

“But you said so”. Coco interrupts you with a husky tone of voice, bristling every inch of skin of your anatomy. “That's wha' I am without my kutte. An ex-soldier, a criminal, an outlaw. I spend my money on them because they take care of me, one way or another”.

“I did it too”.

“So, what? What you want? Money? Tell me an amount”.

Squinting at him, you can't help but chuckle with a painful and bitter laugh.

“I did it because I love you, not because I want your money”. You confess, knowing there's no going back. “I don't care about your money, nor your job, nor about your kutte. I love you because you make me happy. After all, for me, there's nothing better than a hug of yours, because you… you are simply amazing. You're intelligent, funny, loyal. And I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, Coco”.

He, not saying anything, is killing you slowly. Barely breathing, you cross your arms over your chest to hide the fact that your lungs aren't receiving any air.

“I thought that after being shot, you realized you only live once. And that… after being those… boring days with me, you realized that you preferred the company of these other girls. The funny part of being alive. So I just pulled myself away”. Taking a small pause, you bow down your head, cleaning your tears again. “These weeks have been torture. I've written you a lot of texts that I haven't sent… and I've been a lot of times about to call you. But 'you know that… feeling when you think... the other person is not gonna answer you, because maybe is too busy for you? That shit has been destroying me”.

Hoping that Coco finally is going to speak, he remains silent. Looking at you openmouthed, processing all the information you have just give him.

“Can you, ple—please, say something?” You beg almost shaking.

“Wait, you… love me? Like… Garfield loves lasagna?”

Raising your eyes, pouting at him, you know that he's trying to make you laugh after understanding all the pain you have been through. Lonely. Without talking about it with anyone.

“I'm sorry, mami… I just… fuck”.

Cupping your cheeks onto his hands, Coco slams his lips on yours, tasting the salty tears you have shed because of him. The sloppy kisses bring some more air to your lungs, calming your racing pulse and making you feel less unhappy. As your fingers get intertwined in his shirt, crinkling under your grip, he urges you to walk backward so he can close the main door with a kick.

“God knows I'm so fuckin' sorry… Please, forgive me”. Coco's whispers brush your lips, keeping his eyes closed just like yours. “I'm gonna take care of you now, okay?”.

Nodding in silence, you place your arms around his middle back, hiding your face into his chest. His strong scent brings you back to life, while his arms wrap you tightly to comfort all the pain he has provoked you without knowing it.

“I just want you, ma'. No one else. Just you”.

[thatonecitykid]

I bet on Losing

Hey everyone! Sorry this is so sad.. was already crying so might as well make everyone else cry.This takes place after Endgame but during the same time as Far From Home. Listen to "I Bet on Losing Dogs" by Mitski for the full experience. Word Count: 2517. Have fun angels :)

Peter had finally left for his class trip, Pepper and Morgan had gone to spend their summer in Malibu, the remaining avengers were either in space or had completely disappeared from your life. Here you were after five years of your life had evaporated, and after all this time you had to play your fathers role for all the remaining avengers. You hadn't had the opportunity to cry when you first learned about what had happened. You couldn't cry at the funeral, not because you did not want to, but because you felt as if your father wouldn't want to see it. No one wanted to leave you alone, but after months of trying to dig some type of emotion out of you they had assumed that the death and slow disappearance of your makeshift avenger family had unaffected you.

You finally had the opportunity to exist alone. You had also finally mustered up the strength to visit secluded cabin your father had lived in for the last five years of his life. Although you had been given the keys immediately after the funeral, something about visiting the area made you feel uneasy. Not necessarily creeped out but just as if you did not belong, after all it was something your father invested in after you had already blipped away for several months.

You drove up to the cabin alone, slowly unlocking the door as if to not start or whoever may be inside. Before even entering the cabin, it looks clean, you assume that Pepper has had people cleaning constantly to maintain the cabin. It made sense, it was something she's cherished. You stepped into the cabin slowly and began to look around. The walls were lined with framed pictures of Morgan, family pictures of Pepper, your dad, and Morgan, and random posters and vintage albums. Although you were not the one to complain about it, having no evidence of your existence in the main areas of the home caused your heart dropped. As you wandered through the kitchen and the main family room, there is no evidence of Tony's life prior to the blip, just a somewhat normal family of three.

You decide to wander to the basement area, leaving the office and bedroom spaces upstairs for later. There was a large sitting area that you assumed they watched movies in. There was also a playroom painted pink featuring all sorts of gadgets very similar to those you grew up with that Tony had made for you. Towards the back hall of the basement, it was a glass door to your father's workshop area. You open the door gently and made your way in.

Despite looking like somewhat of a mess, you knew that behind the madness there was a method. You could tell that although your dad left in a hurry, things were placed in specific spots very similarly to how he did in every other one of his workshops. You walked towards his swiveling chair, noticing a metal box with a button on the worktable. You press the button and jump back as a life-size hologram of your father appeared in the room. He began

"Hi Pepper. My love, my muse, my boss. If you are listening to this then I did the one thing you have always told me not to do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the worry I've put you through, and I am sorry for taking myself away from you. I was a gift wasn't I. You've already seen another version of this message, but it never hurts to see your face again my darling."

The tears in your eyes begin to form, not because you had not expected to see your father. At this point you had already seen the message he had left after the funeral; It was only really meant for Pepper and Morgan, never addressing you.. At the funeral you refused to enter the cabin but as you watched the message while standing outside, Happy looked over at you with remorse but you kept a straight face again. Who were you to complain at your dead dad's funeral? Yet this message radiated the same energy.

As the second portion of the message began to play tears began to fall faster. It almost feels like an out of body, sure your dad had taken up different kids during your time growing up, but this message made you feel as If you had been completely replaced. Although it felt like a dumb theory there was no evidence as to your existence prior to Morgan.

"Hello my little scientist. How's my favorite person. Daddy is really sorry I can't be there right now. Be a trooper and hug you mom for me real quick. Now you must be surprised because I'm supposed to be the strongest dad in the world but let me tell you kid, sometimes crazy things happen when put on the ironman helmet. My little minion I love you 3000. My love for you is infinite. You have been and will forever be daddy's best friend."

Here you were crying over a child who had also lost her father, filled with jealousy over the fact that you father had chosen her and failed to consider your return but had prepared for Peter's return, still had projects waiting for Harley, and had in fact set up a stable plan for Morgan's future. At this point you were sobbing, what had all felt like a bad nightmare and jumping to conclusions had started to feel way too real. This emotion was even stronger than when you watched footage from your father suit as the snap happened, this emotion felt like a stab in the back.

Maybe he never loved me.

You tried to collect yourself but were still sobbing when the holographic figure of you father disappeared. You might as well finish the house tour before leaving. The upstairs portion of the house featured Tony and Pepper's room, Morgan's room and two other doors. The main bedroom was tidy and organized, with a closet full of clothes that both Pepper and your dad had left. You walked into Morgan's room and did a quick look around, not wanting to invade child space. Returning to the hallway you opened the door to your father's office. Inside there was a rather simple with a desk, a leather chair, and two matching chairs. The plants in the room were growing well, meaning someone still came to water them. There were a few pictures on the wall, including Peter's Stark internship picture, and a random picture you took of the original Avengers after their first New York battle. On the desk there was another metal box similar to that in the workpace. You argued whether or not you wanted to potentially break your heart more before giving in, siting in the leather seat and pressing the button.

A slim beam of light scanned over your face, confirming your identity, and the box began to play. To say you were shocked is an understatement, as your father's hologram appeared across the desk sitting in one of the matching chairs.

"Hello Munchkin. If you've found this box, then I just going to have to accept that I've failed you. You've been gone for five years and regret every moment leading up to when you snapped away. You really did want to come to space with me, and honestly you would have been helpful, but I don't think I could see you Blip away and have the will to continue. That being said because I am already admitting I was wrong, I should not have had your suit take you to the bunker room, where you eventually snapped away alone. I regret that decision y constantly. On another note, I'm sorry I didn't hug you as soon as you got back, I clearly I cannot really hug anyone."

You had finally given up on holding in their tears. You didn't have to be strong in front of your dad. He had always held you when you cried and this time he couldn't. You tried to wrap your arms around yourself, but nothing felt the same.

"I hope you are crying, because if I'm crying alone during this part, I'll be embarrassed, his image continued as it stood up and leaned against the back of the chair. Munch I know you've probably walked around this house and have found no evidence of yourself. You've probably beat yourself up about how much I love Morgan, but think about it. The amount of time I've spent these last 5 years essentially idolizing you would not have been good for her to experience. "

You rose quickly from the chair. Not even one damn picture?

"Now I know you're wondering not even a single picture. Pick up the projector box and follow me ."

You did as the digital version of your father told you and followed it back into the hallway.

"Put the box down and put your hand on the center of the door. "

This activated a scanner which opened up the door to the room. As you walked in you recognized that this was an exact replica of your room back in the Malibu house. You were still a kid when the original house was blown to pieces but somehow everything was exactly as you remembered it. As you walked further into the room you noticed the large screens, placed like picture frames, which played videos and pictures of you and your dad throughout the years.

Your father walked towards the center of the room, bounded by how far the projector was.

"You see kid, me and you have somewhat the same grieving styles. I have a feeling you didn't cry at the funeral. I have a feeling you haven't cried, at least in a way that someone else could have noticed. You take after me in that sense."

The hologram started to sniffle, your dad had actually started crying when recording this. You really wanted to hug him, the reality of his death hurt even more. You had finally allowed yourself to start grieving.

"Look, I know you used to listen to the song about betting on losing dogs when you wanted to cry, but that does not apply to you at all. You may have gotten a more complicated stick of life, but I can tell ya, this does not need to be your villain origin story. From the first day I took you home I could tell you were a fighter, but I need you to feel as if its ok to cry. I've spent hours on this floor in shambles wishing you were here. The small things that Morgan does that remind me of you throw me into sadness pools constantly. You are my motivating force. I really hope you allow yourself to cry about it so that you can continue in life. I don't think I can stand in this room for any longer before I cannot speak at all, so please take the projector back to my office. "

As you lifted the projector you thought about how much this must have hurt your father to record. Maybe he didn't want anyone to encounter this box except for you. As you placed the box on the desk, you sat back into the leather chair as your father's holograph sat across from you.

"On a different note, you are probably wondering why I seemed to set up a game plan for everyone but you. With Morgan I just made sure she had a comfortable, who am I kidding, lavish funding behind her. I can't dictate what a five-year-old should do. For Harley you know that I've always looked out for him, a position in Stark industries honestly should not have surprised you. Peter is what I feel most conflicted about. I'm not setting him up to become the next Ironman, I'm setting him up to become the greatest version of Spiderman he can be. Well, I know the media is probably going to take it and run having known that Spiderman and Ironman we're friends at some point, but I'm really giving you the biggest responsibility. I don't expect you to live in my shadow, I want you to outgrow it. I think you might be surprised to see everything that I left you, besides Stark industries itself. That's a conversation for another day."

"I know I've been speaking for quite a while, but my baby, my baby yes I called you that. I know how much this has all affected you, and I'm sorry, I am completely sorry and do take full fault for it all. But now because we cannot change the past, let's focus on the present. I want you to know that I loved you with my entire being. I'm not sure how to emphasize this enough but I do want you to know you were cared for, you were loved, and you were thought about for every minute. If you don't get to see this message, and I'm already gone, that means this message will never have to play for anyone. Either I found you and I've given you a new message, or I'm rolling in my grave. Either way my darling I cannot emphasize how much I love you. I do hope for the best for. Before I have to go, I want to see you smile. Sure, I can't physically see it right now, but I can imagine it."

As the recording choked out that last sentence, you flashed a weak smile. A face sticky with all the tears that you have been crying.

Now I know you need to get back home, but when you get back to the city, stop by the shawarma place and get something to eat. you gotta eat Darling. Also don't act like you don't like Peter, you two idiots keep pushing each other away in cannot take it. Now I'm gonna say goodbye mini me. Watch over Pepper and Morgan for me, okay? I love you."

You took one final sweep of the house before heading back to your car. You had cried so much that your eyes physical hurt. You almost felt a sense of comfort having finally released some of the pent-up emotion. As you drove towards the city and towards the Shawarma place you almost felt kind of sad, knowing that all of your friends were in a foreign country. Yet you still felt as if your best friend, your Dad was watching over you. And in all reality that felt as if it was the only thing that mattered.

[jaycewrites-192000]

Growl: Chapter 8

Warnings: None

Tag List: @theravencawsatmidnight @etroman @kaariqueen

Your P.O.V

For once, I was actually looking forwards to going to school. Thanks to Kyotani, I've become steadily more confident in my academic skills. It's not a huge step forwards, but, a step forwards none the less. My grades have been getting better as well, which was just a added bonus to my already great mood. I would have to really consider how I'm going to thank him for all his hard work. Maybe I'll take him out to eat somewhere he likes? Or maybe take him and Killer to a dog park? Or we could go to that new guitar shop that just opened up a well ago, he does play bass after all, maybe he'd want to check out what they had.

"Maybe he can teach me how to play too." I chuckle. Geez, this all was starting  to sound like I wanna ask him out in a date. It's not totally untrue. I would like to ask him out but, there's no way I could actually go through with it. I don't even think he likes me like that. "Man...this sucks. Why can't I just-" My words were cut short when I suddenly bumped into someone. "Oh! I'm sorry!" I quickly apologized. The person I ran into turned to face me, oh....great. "Uh, hey there...you?" I say awkwardly. "You? Really?" The person of, girl, I ran into was an old "enemy" of mine. "I think I've made myself known to you the last time we met." She spat as she placed her hand on her hip.

This was Chiharu Kumiko, also known as, "Oikawa's number one fangirl". She's hated me since the day I became friends with him, always thought we were dating or I had a crush on him. Which was the furthest thing from the true, and yet, she still had it out for me. "Yeah you did. Now if you don't mind, I need to get to class." I say as I try and walk past her. "Sure, "get to class". So you can hoe around with Oikawa-Senpai?" Ignore her, Y/n, ignore her. She's just trying to start a fight, a fight I will finish if she keeps pissing me off. "Bitch I know you hear me!" Kumiko grabs onto my arm and jerks me back. "Let go!" I snap at her, yanking my arm away. The commotion we were causing seem to attract a small group of people. Great, just what I wanted. Kumiko raised her hand to strike me, but before she got the chance, someone grabbed her hand. We both look back at the person who stopped her. "Kyotani?"

"What do you think you're doing?" I could tell Kyotani was furious. His voice was intimidating and his eyes narrowed. I was surprised he wasn't crushing Kumiko's hand right now, he was defiantly holding back. "The hell!? Let go of me you freak!" Kumiko jerks her hand away from Kyotani. Before she left, she turned to me, glaring daggers. "This isn't over, skank." With that, she storms off. I roll my eyes, my attention now back at the crowd, I hid my face in embarrassment. Thanks a lot Kumiko, you attention seeking bitch. "Problem!?" Kyotani snaps at them. The crowd eventually dispersed and continued on their own ways.

"Are you ok? Did she hurt you?" Kyotani asked. I shake my head, a smile retuning to my face. "Thank you Kyotani." I say gratefully. "What's that girl's problem?" He asks. "She has a thing for Oikawa and she thinks I do too."

"Do you?" That question kinda took me by surprise. I didn't know Kyotani would be interested in stuff like that. "No. He's annoying." That made him chuckle. 'Cute...oh right' I suddenly remembered, I still have to thank him. "Um, Kyotani. I wanted to thank you for helping me study. My grades have been getting better because of your help! So, I was thinking...maybe I could take you somewhere as a thank you. If you want to, that is."

"O-oh...sure you can if you want." Kyotani murmurs. "Really? Cool! Let's meet up after school ok?" Kyotani nods, I wave him goodbye before hurrying to class.

Your P.O.V.

I waited at the school gate for Kyotani, and I just could help but smile like an idiot the entire time. How could I not? I sorta, kinda, maybe just asked my crush out on a date, and he said yes! Now I just have to manage not to mess it up. "Just don't act like a creep. Shouldn't be too hard." I say to no one other than myself. "A creep would talk to themselves though, so I should probably stop." I sigh. I might have been ecstatic about Kyotani and I having a day to ourselves, but I was also super nervous. This would be my first "date" with a boy.

What am I suppose to do? What am I suppose to say? Maybe I should have a waited to go home and change, maybe do something with my hair. I shook my head, reminding myself that this is not a date. I'm just thanking him for helping me study. That's all. I can call it a date for when I actually gain the nerve to ask him out. "Hey." I gasp at the sudden voice. I turned to see Kyotani approaching. "Hi." I wave. "You ready to go?" He nods and walks beside me. "Um, so I was thinking." I began. "Maybe we stop by the new music store and then after we can grab a bite to eat? Anywhere you like."

"Sounds good." Kyotani simply says. The two of us made our way into town, talking the whole way to the music store. It looked like one of the newer ones in town, it has that new shine to everything. As we walked inside, I immediately felt out of place. Everyone inside the store was clearly a professional, and I knew absolutely nothing about instruments. But I had to admit, everything in the store looked amazing. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to pick up a music lesson, maybe I'll try the (favorite instrument). "See anything you like?" I asked Kyotani. I could tell he was already invested in the different basses they had. His eyes were glued onto the different colored, slick shinning stringed instruments. "Hmm...I don't really need a new bass. Maybe replace the strings on mine." I walk over to the basses to join him in browsing, when I came across something. Stickers. I pick a few and look them over, there wasn't really any that stuck out in particular, until I found one that couldn't be ignored.

"Oh! Kyotani, look at this!" I showed him a sticker of a Shiba Inu, it was growling and there was some foam in the corners of it's mouth, and a firey background behind the dog, yet it still had that cute appeal to it. I saw Kyotani's eyes light up. "It looks like Killer." He says as I give it to him. "Right? I figured you'd want to put it on your bass." I tell him. He looked over the sticker a few more seconds before nodding. "Yeah. I will." I smile brightly and reach into my school bag. I pulled out my wallet and counted out the right amount to pay for the sticker. "What are you doing?" Kyotani asks. "Buying it. You like it right?"

"I can't let you pay for it." I shake my head. "I don't mind. Besides, I'm treating you today, remember?" I take the sticker and approach the counter. "Just this for today." I tell the cashier man as I slide the money and sticker on the counter. He nods and rings up the sticker before handing it back to me. I turn back to Kyotani and hand him the sticker. "There you go. Now let's go eat, I'm starving." I subconsciously grab his hand and lead him out of the store.

Third P.O.V

Unknowing to Y/n, Kyotani felt his heart flutter and his cheeks warm. He felt like he had made a really good choice befriending her. Kyotani smiled slightly and wrapped his fingers around her hand. "Yeah, me too."

The two teens made their way to a small restaurant, Kyotani had suggested it, told Y/n that it was his favorite place to go. Curious about the place, Y/n was excited to go as well. The waitress lead them to their table and set menus in front of them .They both ordered and and the waitress held up a pen and notepad. "And would the lady and gentleman like the couple's special? 10% off your order and free desert." The waitress asks. 'Wow, that's one hell of a deal.' Y/n thought to herself. "We're not-" She cut Kyotani. "Gonna refuse that! Thank you so much." She clasps her hands together. Kyotani gives her a surprised look. "Lovely! I'll have that right out!" She took the menus and walked away. "....Y/n?"

"I didn't have that much money and it was a good deal, you have to admit...sorry..." Y/n mutters, looking down at the table. "N-no it's fine just...it was shocking." Kyotani says, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah..." Y/n clears her throat awkwardly. "I mean, seriously who would willing admit they're in a relationship with me?" Y/n blinks a few times, did she hear him correctly. She looks up across the table at him. "What do you mean?" She asks.

"Well, I don't get asked out a lot, if you can imagine." Y/n leans her head on her hand. "Really? You'd think girls would love a 'bad boy' like you." She giggles. "But really, you're not that bad Kyotani. People just has to get to know you." Kyotani shrugs. "I just didn't mind it as much before..." He trails off. "Before what?" Y/n asks. "Nothing. Forget it."

Y/n raised an eyebrow then leans back in her seat. 'Ever the secretive type.' She thought with a sigh. "Well, I think you're just fine the way you are. If others can't or won't take the time to actually know you, then that's their loss." She tells him. Once again, Kyotani felt his heart skip a beat. This was getting dangerous. Kyotani hadn't felt something like this, he never had crushes before. But this, it felt like more than just a crush. He hated the thought, but he could possibly love Y/n. Why he hated it was simple. Kyotani wasn't just 'not a ladies man', he wasn't a anyone's man. All his life he had better things to focus on, like volleyball, rather than stupid crushes and relationships that wouldn't last more than a year and a half.

So that's why this was so scary. Kyotani really really liked Y/n, but he couldn't stand the thought of giving up something he loved because of his bad habbits. Wether that something was volleyball, or even Y/n. She wasn't to blame. It was him. Kyotani wasn't the best of people. If he hurt her, in anyway, he would never forgive himself. So, it would be best, if Kyotani ignored these new feelings. For the better, for himself, and for Y/n.

The two were walking home together that night. Kyotani made sure Y/n got to her home saefly before saying goodbye. "Thank's for treating me today, even though you didn't have to." Kyotani tells her. "Aw, it was nothing." Y/n waved it off. "That's what senpai's are for right?" She winks. Kyotani gulped and nods his eyes. "Y-yeah. Anyway, see you later. Thanks again." He turned to leave. "Kyotani, hang on!" Kyotani was about to turn around to ask Y/n what she stopped him for, when suddenly she hugged him tightly. Kyotani's face turned a light shade of red as he felt her arms wrap tightly arounf his waist. Slowly, he raised his arms to hug her bag, but before he could she quickly let go and rushed to her door. "Goodnight!" She squeaks out before hurrying inside her home. Kyotani was left there alone, eyes wide with shock. His agaped mouth closed, and his arms dropped to his sides.

"...Damn it."

Previous | Next

[retphienix]

Alright, this is gonna be tough because I desperately want to say so much for the game's sake and my own, but it's just so much.

At least the playthrough as a whole exists to show a lot of those things, and there's no shame in some of the impacts the game had for myself going unsaid :)

LONG POST INCOMING, NO 'READ MORE' BECAUSE IT'S RELEVANT TO THE POST AND NOT AN AFTER-THOUGHT

CLICK 'J' ON YOUR KEYBOARD TO SKIP. (Sorry mobile users)

8:48 - Do you have any idea how good a step forward it felt to smash the repressing bulb?

9:50 - So I'll get ahead of myself because this fight shows a lot of the visuals that play into this: Something being the manifestation of guilt for Mari is so incredibly visualized.

Between the base 'Something' being extremely close to the shadow she cast and including the one visible eye that bore down on Sunny and Basil after the hanging, to the stairs incorporating into the design.

The seaweed and spider are more general anxieties though they do circle back to Mari since she saved Sunny, but those two forms don't feel as directly related as the stairs (heights) and base 'Something' forms and what they represent for his repressed guilt.

Could be wrong ;) Tell me what you saw in the forms of 'Something' if you'd like to expand on them :)

12:39 - Just to prove the point before you get to fully see the truth- Something morphs into the figure of Mari hanging. It doesn't fully demonstrate the "eye" aspect yet, but still I just wanted to say kudos on the way 'Something' is shown visually. Formless for a reason, and that form becomes more defined as you understand what it is, exceptional damn thing.

15:43 - Basil's part in all of this makes me so damn sad. Plenty to say later (obviously), but he harbors so much guilt, wants forgiveness so much, and is so (not shown yet) desperate to believe in Sunny's innocence while knowing but not comprehending the truth. The fact he harbors his own 'Something' due to the guilt of all this is heartbreaking, these kids endured a hell no one should. Losing someone so important to you and harboring the guilt and fault of it when nothing of the sort was intended. A childish fight with raised emotions got out of hand and all this came of it.

Hell.

16:30 - I absolutely adore how the photo album is used for this reveal.

Absolutely incredible execution that's specific to this story and its characters and makes piecing (literally) this together tense and grim.

22:27 - I NEVER SPOKE TO OR INTERACTED WITH THE THING IN THE CENTER OF THIS ROOM AND I'M A NORMAL AMOUNT OF UPSET ABOUT THAT >:( lol

29:41 - Okay.

So this reveal as a whole is so unbelievably well paced and incredibly hard hitting.

All game long there's a weight of having lost Mari. Repeatedly it's told that she killed herself and no one can understand why and everyone (MYSELF THE PLAYER INCLUDED) is looking for meaning in little moments, seeking out hints that maybe she was suffering or depressed or this or that.

And while that has gone on FOR THE ENTIRE GAME there has also been this uneasy weight surrounding Sunny/Omori. Visions of Mari twisted and deformed into phantoms of horror.

For the most part I assumed it was just him coping with having lost his sister and maybe a dialogue on how when she was alive he was in her shadow (in his mind) and now that she's gone he remains there?

That was the best I could figure, more or less. But it continued to seem more and more malicious in design and MUCH more 'heavy' in how it's presented as a shadow behind Omori/Sunny throughout his adventure and life.

The weight and 'overshadowed' looks of the scenes felt more and more foreboding and less like a simpler "I'm living in her shadow" story, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Then these pictures come out and piece things together.

The final result:

Sunny and Mari fighting. (Context appears to be his growing disdain towards playing. It's stated he loved playing, but it's also shown that he begins to dislike how much Mari is dragged away for classes and the like up to and including playing. So my read was that Sunny was upset that their fleeting time together was dedicated to the recital and broke his violin in an emotional blur and the fight occurred.

Alternatively it was accidentally broken and both of their emotions were running high as it happened)

Mari falling to her death.

Sunny and Basil carrying her upstairs and tending to her.

Sunny breaking down as it sinks in.

The visions having Basil say "It's going to be okay" by the bedside. (I perceive that as a memory of what Basil was saying as he tried to manage his emotions during the event)

Sunny and Basil carrying her back downstairs and to the backyard.

The makeshift noose.

And finally the sight that burned itself into Sunny's eyes of her hanging after it was all said and done.

Just holy shit to it all in how it's revealed and handled.

Stories have twists all the time, and I ain't gonna make some bold claim like "Most unpredictable!" "Best twist!" "What a twist!" or whatever, though that'd be funny.

I just want to say this twist worked BEFORE the reveal as a foreboding sense of unease and curiosity- it lent itself to intentionally vague and easily misconstrued explanations, basically- instead of it outright misleading you beyond the characters that believe the lie repeating the lie, it allowed you to mislead yourself.

It did the twist the right way! And well! YOU trick YOURSELF! The people repeating the lie are being lied to or have motivation to repeat the lie! The GAME isn't lying (as so many twists handle it) the game is giving the world reason to mislead and allowing you to be mislead!

Now am I yelling affirmations for the way things SHOULD ALWAYS BE! YES! BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT AS NORMAL AS IT SHOULD BE! lol

31:40 - All the "You will really miss them"s hurt :(

33:25 - Right out the gate, a spoiler for what isn't here:

I looked up the alternate endings of the neutral route and my heart hurts to know Sunny doesn't stick around and Basil dies :(

34:00 - BASIL BEING OVERWHELMED WITH DENIAL AND GUILT AS HE ATTEMPTS TO MENTALLY PROTECT HIS VIEW OF WHO HIS FRIEND IS BY INVENTING A SECOND PARTY THAT DID THIS IS SO FUCKING REAL AND AMAZINGLY DONE.

And it explains the name behind the 'Something'.

'Something' behind you did it. There's 'Something' behind you, isn't there.

'Something' all around us, that potentially being the truth comin' in.

When 'Something' ruined my photos, Basil repressing protecting Sunny by destroying the proof.

Just expertly done.

'Something' being repression of the memory and impending guilt. Dannnng.

36:26 - It's 24 hours after I beat the game as I type all this so here's a gag.

Here's the part where Basil beats some sense into his friend, because after this Sunny gets knocked out and wakes up 200% improved and ready to save Basil from his own guilt by releasing them both from the secret.

So basically Kel dragged us out of bed, then a couple days later Basil beats us up, and that's how Sunny gets better :^) Game Over.

38:46 - This fight made me feel utterly terrible, a highlight being the energy bar saying "Everything is going to be okay".

or at 40:17 - when Basil pokes out Sunny's eye and the screen does this? That's an underutilized but always awesome visual.

41:12 - I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD AT THIS POINT :)

Because just before entering Basil's home on this night you see his Grandma's ghost here. So seeing Sunny here told me "WELL. YOU FUCKED UP!"

42:25 - Like I said, beat some sense into Sunny.

Here's the mental side of things where Basil's beatin' told Sunny to go remember the good times and confront his inner self and I'm being partially facetious because there's plenty to say about what's coming up.

43:15 - Goosebumps every time due to the sincerity and hope of this.

43:40 - Hug for anyone needing that.

51:11 - I could cry again and I just might before this post is done being put together.

This accident was never meant to be.

55:09 - Timestamp is arbitrary, I won't go over every flashback but I do want to say what a beautiful way to use these photos. To relive the memories? To find the strength to overcome and all that? After all these years of suppressing memories? DANNNG I love this game.

1:04:09 - I stepped in poop.

1:04:15 - Barefooted.

1:04:22 - I embraced my failure.

1:12:00 - The violin.

1:13:00 - "The anxious feeling-" "They believed in you" "No matter what you didn't want to disappoint them" I'm filled with love and gonna cry about it.

1:14:00 - So an important theme in the game, as if it has just one, is Sunny suppressing emotions and demonizing himself.

Obviously the ending shows him breaking free from both but I think it's important as hell to look at how he builds up to being able to.

After all the dark moments show him as a bloodied monster, demonstrate a perceived lack of remorse for what he's done (as in he sees himself so poorly that he says "I must not have felt bad about it, I'm a monster", not that he actually doesn't feel bad about it, that he thinks he shouldn't because he's bad), have him stab dream Basil to protect his repression of the memory, the build up to breaking free from that is him remembering the good in him through the lens of his friends.

Both in the real world and in revisiting the memories within the photos.

He hears about the good in himself that he has pretended isn't there and finds the power to overcome this deadened shell he's made.

He learns how to forgive himself by finally remembering he's worthy of forgiveness and is more than his mistake, that even the person he grievously harmed would want him to forgive himself and would understand the mistake didn't define him.

1:15:15 - Just because you did something bad doesn't make you bad, to put it more eloquently than my rambles. He had to learn that.

1:19:20 - I've done this fight 4 times.

You may be wondering why 4 times, it ain't like I replayed the game a ton or anything.

The short of it is:

1) For the good ending :)

2) To see what happens if you go "up" in the hospital- it's a dead end- I assumed it'd be a bad ending. So I got the good ending again :)

3) For the bad ending.

4) FOR THE GOOD ENDING TO WIPE THE HORRIBLE FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH AWAY FROM THE BAD ENDING :)

In doing so I did get one layer deeper on the BG of Omori in the fight, here it is:

And I learned on the fourth run that the fight is simpler than I gave it credit lol, Cherish refills your juice, so there is no reason to use Encore. You can get to the end (and deeper more easily) by just using the triple attack and Cherish and Calm down when necessary.

1:29:00 - A summary of the fight is that it's extremely impactful emotionally, but very obviously isn't a "Fun fight". It's great mechanically and story wise for what it's trying to do :)

I'll just say it here: I'm surprised there wasn't an end-game "Omori" fight, you know, in dream world? Because combat is SO good in this. I am lead to believe that the Omori route where you never go outside in the real world has more bosses and zones and would fill what I just implied I wanted- but you're also railroaded into the Neutral endings which are both sad :(

And honestly? That makes sense and I applaud the decision :) Embracing the fantasy world for more 'fights' isn't exactly the path to recovery. Also and I know someone will be bothered I say this because *I'm* bothered I'm saying this- it makes sense since a big predecessor did the same thing lol.

Undertale Genocide has new bosses and a harder end game challenge (Sans) while being the worse ending, while the good ending has a flashy and story/emotionally impactful final fight that isn't as challenging because challenge isn't the point of the morals being explored.

I just bring it up because it's interesting, has a parallel, and after fighting Omori 4 times I really REALLY wanted to do an end-game fight in Dream World.

1:30:00 - forgive me as I cry again. goosebumps and more.

OH NO~!

DRAT!

So I use a cheap video editor and I use the free format of it which limits to 720p and I didn't think twice of it.

I recorded at max, but downgraded after editing.

At 720p you can't see the detail that made me break down crying!

At 1:31:55 Sunny's eyes go wider as he sees Mari as they finally get to experience the duet in this dream state (White Egret Orchid, this is real and happening, I'm taking this to my grave :'( ) he sees her smile and that smile made me break down, but in the 720 it's blurry :(

That's on me, I could have posted the scene raw in HQ but I didn't know it'd compress just enough to be invisible :(

still. that duet scene can make me cry on command. just because of that alone, but also the entire thing.

1:33:42 - Sunny breaks from his shell and feels his emotions again.

1:37:07 - I wish every game would end with a mirror to see yourself.

The 'Despite everything, it's still you' vibe just cements all the growth and experiences that have happened as so much more real when that happens. Bonus points because mirrors in Omori are a time bomb where you can be reminded of the guilt following you- and this one is safe. This one is pure and clean. You did it.

1:37:50 - As I said earlier, going up does nothing. Dead end.

1:39:00 - I have to tell you something.

Simple ending. And yet slams me like two trucks. I'm so proud.

1:41:00 - Post credits scene.

This is so heartwarming and their smiles are the purest thing in the entire world.

1:42:50 - BAD ENDING RECORDING.

All I'll say on that is the bad ending made me feel terrible inside. Give up, live in your bubble, and subconsciously end it all so you never have to confront reality again.

My gut felt heavy to be honest.

And the fact that THAT is when Bo En Time is played is INCREDIBLE.

Having the sky shift like that gave goosebumps and cemented my dread.

Just seeing it now has me feeling very poorly.

Okay. Video done.

Now for general thoughts.

First off this White Space cycle has been going on for YEARS with Sunny only getting worse as he suppresses things more and more and the reason he found the strength to overcome is because of his friends and I'm gonna yell about it.

THE REASON SUNNY IS BREAKING FREE CAN BE DIRECTLY POINTED AT KEL THINKING "FUCK IT, I'M ABOUT TO LOSE A FRIEND, AND I DON'T WANT TO"

And I just think that is sweet as hell. The strength was inside himself, but the problem itself caused Sunny to demonize and not trust himself- he needed someone to break him free and help convince him that he's not irredeemable. And boom.

The way this game handles Denial and even gives it physical form with the 'Something's that both Sunny and Basil harbor is just awesome.

I touched on it but combat in Omori is very, very good.

I've said it here and there as I played and I feel like going at length in the finale post is pointless because this isn't a review but to put it concisely.

Types changing mid-combat, the character archetypes being so well defined, the follow up system, combat in Omori is some top notch turn based RPG stuff.

Like up there with the greats, the timeless masterpieces. This is GOOD fighting. So it was surprising the good ending didn't emphasize it- I explained why that makes sense, but even still! It'd probably be lesser for it (as explained previously) but it's interesting they practiced that restraint for the message they wanted to send.

Repeatin' that Mari's smile in the recital made me cry. Burned in my brain.

I'm still surprised I got the post credits scene because I DID water the plants a lot but when the game showed me them all dead I assumed that was the fail condition.

I genuinely do want to try the Omori route some time down the road. I hope I get around to it.

I am slightly dissuaded just because the Omori route only gets the neutral endings which are not Good To Be Blunt :(

But I want to see what dream content there is and I hear there are other bosses!

Other small bits from my notes:

Replacing denial (the black bulb) with hope (the white bulb) was good as heck.

The imagery of the 'Something' is so top notch- using the shadow of her body combined with the piercing gaze of her single eye- MY GOD.

The fragility of life being so present- between memories of near death experiences, to the way in which Mari dies, to the ease at which either Basil or Sunny can end the game. It's tense and heart-wrenching.

The way the 'Something' behind Sunny almost always shadows over him like an ever present weight.

Tearful, hopeful, pure, kids enduring a guilt metric tons heavier than their bodies could ever handle and finally, finally moving beyond it.

I said more in a personal post, and I'll reblog that.

Honestly, just timestamping through the video took it out of me and got the point across.

Omori is a wonderful game.

It's definitely a favorite for me, high up there on my list.

Between the themes, the gameplay, the humor, the ending.

This is a good one.

And now I get to end having experienced all the care and love in this title, that's such a sweet thing.

Now I know this finale post is a mess, illegible even. I have gotten sloppier as I've begun embracing just 'experiencing and rambling' and perhaps my formatting with change yet again until I find something more easily shared.

Despite that. I want to thank any who popped in on this playthrough.

This was a good one, a highlight of the blog for sure- and I'm always happy when I see some people enjoying the absolute mess I toss online when I do one of these :P

So thank you for your time, and thank you to any ridiculous enough to read my nonsense here.

Have a good one :)

And just as expected I feel I've said nothing and barely touched the surface as the post-game-head of mine does a poor job lol. Even still :P