#the person who will stay during your worst times and you'll do the same for and be there when they get out of that dark time

[redclercs]

DELICATE✰ CHARLES LECLERC.

xi.it’s okay we’re the best of friends

— the one where all you do is think about the feelings that you hide.

warnings: guys, my brain was failing during this so not really proofread, also please pretend the dress is the same in both pics lol, alcohol consumption. 2.5k words.

currently playing: drive by halsey!

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softyn FIRST POST SINCE MAY AND MOTHER WANTS US DEAD

ynstars I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SLAY

aid4anfeels ugly bitch

lecsainz516 whose wedding is this, charles and carlos were there too

formulayn did @/charles_leclerc take these?

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THE COMMENTS FOR THIS POST ARE LIMITED.

August 5th, Madrid, Spain.

WHEN Charles said you needed to make new memories in Spain to replace the bad ones, you didn’t have a wedding in mind. However, with the rollercoaster that is your life as of lately, you don’t swim against the current anymore. Just going with it is not a bad way to live when you’re still trying to reach the surface and get away from the wreckage.

Things aren’t good. Not yet. The press is still having a field day with all that he said, she said merry go round. Aidan and Victoria are fighting to play the victim and Mia Kim is on a mission to paint you as the worst sister-in-law who could have ever existed. Which, to be fair, paints her in a weird Freudian light.

But things are better than they were the last time you were in Spain. And that’s something to be grateful for.

“Are you sure?” You asked Charles on FaceTime for the third time that night two weeks ago, he had just asked you to be his plus one to one of his Ferrari mates’ wedding. “Are you a hundred percent sure they won’t mind?”

The last thing you wanted was to feel like an intruder, and with the type of attention you carry around like a dark cloud over your head, ruining someone’s special day was not an experience you wanted to add to your repertoire.

“Of course they won’t mind, soleil.” Charles assured, he was still in Hungary after the Grand Prix. “Tommaso told me I could bring anyone, and I want to bring you.”

The last time you saw Charles in person was in New York City, almost two months ago. It doesn't mean, of course, that you stopped communicating. Whenever Charles is on his phone, you can be certain you'll receive a text, a picture or a random iMessage drawing. You handle time zones as best you can without sacrificing too much sleep time, especially for the one who has to drive a car at 300 km/hr.

Although he insisted on you coming to any Grand Prix of your choice, you thought it best to stay away from the paddock for a while. Plus, you had some work to do. You didn't love Talk Shows while promoting, most hosts did horrible, unfunny jokes, and you were the butt of a lot of them, but if being in some of them helped you to speak about your situation and dismiss whatever rumor Victoria, Aidan or Mia (or just about half the internet) had going on, you were willing to make the sacrifice.

You were also willing to attend a complete stranger's wedding just to see Charles again, but you didn't want to give that thought the depth it demanded from you. Not in the seven hour flight from New York to Madrid, and not now, as you're getting ready for Charles to pick you up to go to the wedding.

Your blue dress is frankly magnificent, and you are aware of how good you look, but it doesn't hurt that the first thing Charles does when the doors to the lift open, is compliment you. Well, to be fair, the first thing he does is gather his thoughts and try not to feel stupid after basically picking his jaw up from the floor.

"You look gorgeous," Charles says, clearing his throat. His sudden anxiety makes you chuckle, as his Adam's apple bobs up his neck. "I missed you so much, soleil."

You are mildly disappointed when he doesn't hug you the way he did back in New York, and you dismiss the feeling almost as quickly as it appeared. Although his words linger in the air, he missed you, and you did too.

"I don't want to ruin your hair," he explains, as if he's read your mind, and smiles wider.

"Right," you shake your head, it was obvious. "You look pretty good yourself, Charlie," you add, always trying to return the compliment, and only managing to make it awkward.

There is something about men in suits that makes them twice as attractive, and it's unfair when it comes to someone like Charles, who is already way too handsome as it is.

"Thank you," Charles is always nice enough to accept your half-assed, anxiety induced compliments. "Shall we?"

You nod, and when he offers his arm to lead you to the car, you link yours through it taking a breath so deep, it makes your lungs ache.

"Do you like weddings?" Charles asks as the engine of his car roars to life. A red Ferrari is the only way you manage to describe it, afraid of getting details wrong. Although you're certain Charles would patiently explain anything you needed to know about it, you don't ask.

"Everyone likes weddings," you reply, setting both hands on top of your knees. "Right?"

Charles chuckles and shrugs, "I guess so,"

You love weddings, except when you're expected to be the bride.

"Charles," you pat his shoulder and he takes his eyes off the road for the briefest second. "Are you completely sure the bride doesn't mind my presence?"

You don't want to give yourself some sort of importance you don't deserve—the bride has more important things to worry about—but particularly nervous about how your presence will be received at the celebration.

"Seriously, y/n," Charles soothes, his right hand leaves the steering wheel and searches for your own blindly, accidentally landing on your empty lap. He takes his hand back immediately, red creeping up his neck. "It's fine." he resolves, his sight way too focused on the road now.

"Alright," you whisper, smoothing the skirt of your dress. "Alright."

Both of you remain silent the rest of the way as you take in the Spanish landscape and Charles drives like his life depends on it. You promised yourself you'd ask for as much information on the happy couple as you could, but your voice is lost in the pit that opened in your stomach.

And the evening is just beginning.

It's after the ceremony, at cocktail hour that you find everything out about Tommaso and Bárbara thanks to none other than Carlos Sainz, who seems to really have a thing for gossip and also, for making fun of you for crying during the vows.

"Leave me alone, Carlos," you warn for the last time, this time threatening him with your closed fist. "Not my fault you don't have a heart in that big-ass chest."

This makes him laugh harder, and even Charles chuckles against the lip of his whiskey glass.

"I miss you so much around the paddock, y/n!" Carlos sighs, patting the place above his heart. "For real."

You click your tongue. "Sure you do,"

Carlos and you talk a lot less than Charles and you do, of course. But if Charles calls you during whatever free time he has while in the Ferrari Suite, you can trust Carlos to insert himself in the conversation.

"And a lot of the other drivers do too," Carlos' tone is mocking again, and you glower at him.

"Stop picking on me," this time you punch him on the shoulder.

"I'm being serious. Lando has a crush on you,"

You talked to Lando a few times, mostly when he and Carlos were being boys and hitting each other in the balls outside the Ferrari Suite and Lando made small talk as he tried not to touch his private parts. A crush is an exaggeration, Lando just told you he thought you were cool for making movies.

"Why don't we take some pictures?" Charles suggests before downing the rest of his whiskey. You don't miss the look he gives Carlos.

"Why not?" you smile at Charles, shrugging. The place is beautiful and you would love to have a memory of this whole thing that you can go back to.

"I'll catch up with you guys," Carlos calls as you two walk away, uninterested in the impromptu photoshoot.

Charles directs an annoyed look at him again and then makes it go away to return his attention to you.

"What was that?" you ask, taking Charles' arm again for him to lead you to where the rest of the guests are more scattered and won't photobomb your pictures.

"What was what?" Charles lifts an eyebrow, forever the expert at playing dumb. Or, not really.

You shake your head, this is another deep thought you don't want to venture into. There is enough of this weird tension already, and you're not sure if Charles feels it too.

─────────

"Your girlfriend is beautiful," a lady is patting your hand, a gentle smile on her face as she looks at Charles. She's the spouse of another Ferrari team member, and the first thing she did was compliment your dress before even asking for your name.

"Oh, I'm not—"

"We're just friends," Charles clears up, gentle as well. "But y/n really is beautiful."

The woman raises both eyebrows and laughs, an 'oh you kids' snicker that isn't unkind. "Of course, of course."

It's the first time of many during this party that Charles has to say you're not in a relationship, and it seems to get easier every time the words come out of his mouth.

Although it's true, you're not sure why it nags at you.

You cry again during the couple's First Dance and verbally threaten Carlos to leave you alone as you wipe your tears carefully, doing your best to keep your makeup intact. He laughs, but takes your threat seriously and remains quiet. This whole Tom and Jerry thing is amusing but he doesn't want to actually make you angry.

A few songs in, after you're done bickering with Carlos and you have finished your third glass of champagne, Charles asks you to dance with him.

An slowed-down version of Sixpence's 'Kiss Me' plays as you take the dance floor. You blame your giddiness on the fact that you finished that flute of champagne in record time.

"What is it?" Charles questions, smoothly placing one hand on your hip while the other holds your palm. His thumb runs up and down the curve of your wrist.

"What if I step on your foot?" you retort, looking up at him. That's only one thing that makes you nervous, although you know how to dance. You took lessons for both Supercut and Parisian Valentine.

Laughter bubbles from Charles' chest and you join in, although this makes you even more nervous. It would be stupid to say you don't see how handsome he is, even if he's just your friend.

"I won't mind," Charles promises, and his fingers press a little harder against your hip bone.

"Okay, then."

It's obviously not a complicated endeavor to sway around the dance floor with Charles, he lets you set the pace, lacing your fingers together after you spin back to him.

"Thank you for coming with me, soleil," he says in a low voice. You can smell the alcohol in his breath although it's been a while since he stopped drinking, he still has to drive you back to your hotel. "I really missed you these two months."

"I love weddings. Thanks for inviting me," you squeeze his shoulder, the contrast of your manicured nails against his shirt distracts you momentarily from the fact that you can feel his breath against your jaw.

It's the second time today that you miss the chance to tell him you missed him too, and you know he notices it by the way he leans away.

The song ends before your tongue decides to respond to you again and Charles lets go of you. A few seconds feel like an hour as you stare at each other, unable—or unwilling—to say anything of what either of you really want to say.

"Care to dance?" a guy with longish hair and dark eyes is offering you his hand now, as a faster song starts and the lights around the room turn brighter.

You break eye contact with Charles and when you look at him again, he just nods, taking a step back to your assigned table.

"Sure," you tell the guy, a tense smile on your face. "Let's dance."

The ride back to your hotel is silent again, and you're too tired to find a way to fill it.

Charles' energy has shifted and this makes your stomach turn. Your anxiety worsens every time you feel someone is 'off' towards you, and that someone being Charles makes it a hundred times worse.

He takes the elevator to your room with you, placing his hand gently in the middle of your bare back to let you in first.

"We're okay, right?" you whisper, looking at your distorted reflections on the silver wall of the cubicle.

You see Charles' reflection frown and then his face turns to you. "Of course we're okay, y/n. Is something wrong?"

You shake your head, the loose strands of your bun tickle your nape. "I'm just wondering."

Charles is never bothered by your need for reassurance, not even when he needs reassurance himself. That he's not being a complete and absolute moron by wanting the woman all the boys want to dance with, and holding onto that little slither of hope that he might have a chance with her. He's the one standing next to you after the party, still.

"We are okay. Didn't you have fun today?" he asks, pushing those thoughts aside. You're friends. Just friends.

"Of course I did!" you inhale sharply, "I just— nevermind." you take your hand to the back of your head, already tired of the half undone bun that threatens to give you a headache.

"I had fun. I always have fun when I'm with you," Charles follows you out of the elevator and down the hallway to the third door marked with a 3321.

You're still struggling to find the exact hairpin that holds your hairdo together, and Charles pinpoints it almost at the same time as you do, pulling it out swiftly to make your hair fall down your shoulders.

It's a meaningless gesture, Charles hasn't given it a second thought or stopped walking. But a shiver runs down your back as his knuckles graze your nape.

"Thanks, Charlie." You say, swallowing.

"Of course," Charles puts the pin inside the pocket of his trousers with a shrug.

You stand in front of the room for a minute, having a stare down again as you rub the back of your head.

"Thank you again for today, Charles." you're the one to break the silence, keycard already between your fingers. "I had a great time."

"I'm glad, soleil." Charles his dimples appear when he smiles and your breath hitches when he leans towards you. It feels like you've been showered with ice cold water. "Good night, y/n," he says and presses his lips against your cheek.

"Good night, Charlie," you wave him goodbye from the door as he walks back to the lift.

The feeling of his lips against your skin is there, even after you've washed your face and tucked yourself into bed.

─── team principal radio: ❝thank you for reading! surprisingly, i don't have much to say this time other than i really hope you enjoyed this chapter, and that I appreciate each one of you dearly!♡❞

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[chainofclovers]

I'm curious: How do you perceive kudos? As the person whom you reblogged put it, I have comment anxiety, so I often stay silent. But kudos ... when I press that button I do so because I found the writing excellent, the story wonderfully crafted, it made me feel feelings (happy, sad, or everything in between), I thought about it for days/weeks after, etc. Do they mean the same to you as a recipient?

Hi anon! It makes me happy to see my email with kudos I received during the prior day, and I love seeing familiar usernames, kudos from friends, kudos from people whose usernames are entirely unfamiliar to me, kudos from one person on multiple stories. I don't believe I am owed comments or that anyone is owed comments, and it means a lot when someone takes the time to read one of my stories. That little gesture of pressing that kudos button is always appreciated.

But no, kudos don't mean the same thing to me as a comment does. Not because kudos isn't great, but because a comment feels so personal, like a gift. It's an immediate endorphin rush to read even a very short comment expressing what someone felt about a story. As a writer, nothing really beats someone taking the time to leave some written thoughts on my work. Whether it's a single line or a multi-paragraph deep dive, a comment notification makes my heart beat faster, simply put.

(And I'll add that I know that as a commenter, I sometimes leave those long multi-paragraph deep dives out of sheer enthusiasm. Other times, my comments are much shorter. I try not to get too in my head about that, hoping that authors appreciate a comment regardless of what kind of time I have. Also, the length of my own comments is NEVER something I'd want people reading my work to feel self-conscious about when choosing what to say about my stories...I love all comments, short and long, general and detailed!)

Some people are just not into leaving comments, and that's okay. I would never want leaving me a comment to feel like a chore, and as I said before, no one creating anything is owed a particular type of feedback. But since you said you have comment anxiety, that makes me infer that perhaps you want to be leaving comments, and would do so if it didn't make you feel anxious. So let me just say that in your ask to me, you constructed an absolutely perfect format for your comments:

"I found this writing excellent. It made me happy and I'm going to think about this for days."

"Your story was wonderfully crafted. I felt happy, sad, and every emotion in-between. I thought about it for *weeks* and now I'm back let you know!"

"Your writing is excellent. I'm so sad about [character] now, and just had to tell you."

You could always add something specific about what that person's writing was doing that felt so wonderfully crafted, or pull out a line or two that really stuck out to you as great, but there's certainly no obligation. The above comments, built out of your own words, would make my day to receive and I think I can speak for most writers here in saying it's hard to think of a writer who wouldn't feel the same. And in terms of the anxiety of having an interaction online...after leaving a comment like that, the "worst" thing that would happen is the writer feels happy about your comment but doesn't answer. (Which, again, their prerogative. No questions asked. Everyone interacts differently.) The best thing that could happen is that you'll hear back from a writer and be affirmed that your feedback made a real difference in their day. And either way, you'll know you made someone happy.

[knullanon]

Mark Grayson with a s/o who’s like starfire?

yess i love starfire man

words: 896

warnings: stalking, lmk if I missed any!

mark would probably meet you through hero work. whether that's from you actually being a hero, or just helping him with rescue work, you catch his eye not only because of your abilities, but WOW you're cool.

in fact, you would probably be more of a puppy-dog/inspiration for him at the beginning of his time as a hero. he would more stalk you, both cyber and in person, to find out everything about you. from your favorite foods, to every imaginable trait you could think of. favorite color, perfume, music, even the time of day, is something he would memorize onto the back of his hand.

he would, eventually, get the courage to talk to you. eventually. of course, that's after a few months of stalking, studying, and observing you. he would make himself to be the person you would actively seek out once you know about them.

do you like happy go lucky people who are dumber than a rock? he will be stupid. do you like distinguished people who know what they're doing? he will become the smartest man alive.

after the whole awkward 'first friend' phase, he would slowly either drop the act, or change it in accordance to what you like. he doesn't stop stalking you, however, so don't get your hopes up. he still has some worries about you leaving him for someone else, someone who you might think would be better.

after a while, he would try to drop hints, but honestly, he would be so good at acting you wouldn't be able to tell if they were hints or he was just very comfortable.

of course, one day he will just say it straight but for a few weeks you'll be pondering over if he really does like you or if he's fucking with you.

when he is ready to ask, he would do it in a way he knows you would appreciate. dinner by the beach, watching a movie at home with your favorite snacks, it might even be a cute little handmade cardboard box that holds a note saying 'date me pls?'.

it doesn't really matter what method he chooses, because you will say yes. he's been stalking you for almost a year at that point, dude knows what you would want and what you wouldn't.

after it's established, it's honestly just cute couple times. little date nights are few and far between, because he's still a hero, but they are always a hit.

mark during the relationship would be very clingy. even if he can't talk to you in person, he would be calling you every day. even if you are a hero as well, it doesn't really matter to him. like, yeah you're patrolling, but he's talking to you while he's kicking someone's ass!

give him attention. he's like a touch starved puppy, he will not leave you alone until you give him attention. like, it's bad. he will text you, call you, and if you fly up to a mountain for some peace and quite, he will still find you.

however, while he does get annoying sometimes, you will always cave once he's actually in front of you. you can ignore your phone giving you 100 notifications a minute, you cannot ignore him when he's sad.

also, sparring! with a normal s/o he wouldn't even think to spar with you as, well, that is the worst idea anyone can think of. but if you have some of the same strengths and abilities as him, he becomes so happy.

he loves sparring in the later evening, because to him it leaves much more time to actually talk after, and also, he just likes sitting with you after a long and hard day. it makes him relax.

and after a good spar, you wouldn't be able to just tell him to go home, right? he even brought you your favorite takeout place, with all your favorite foods. can't he just stay? it's not like it's a crime for him to stay somewhere other than his parents house.

the only thing I would think that you would have a major issue with, even if you knew he was a hero, was how much time he spends as a hero. you aren't called out as often as he is, so for you it's more equivalent to a 9-5 job (hero terms, of course).

for him, it's something much bigger. he will be gone for a whole day (not without texting of course), and when he gets back it would be 2 in the morning as he's jumping around the walls while you're trying to sleep.

while there are many instances where you tell yourself "I should probably break up with him if he's going to make me this mad every day", he would probably notice and actually plan or make spare time you.

overall, he's pretty adorable and stupid once you know him, and he really does love you. of course, you don't really need to know how he stalked you in the beginning, or how he still does, as then everything would be ruined. he understands that this will be a secret he will take to his grave.

and honestly, does it really matter when your boyfriend is some lovable dummy? he would never do that to you.

he would never do that to you.

---

hey guys, guess who finished 4 different things for the last 4 weeks I've missed stuff??? me lol

anyways, te amo 💖

[2n2n]

ch. 111

the plot thickens and I am thrown all around the room as if in a hurricane... I really cannot predict Iro-sensei's plots!!!!!!

oh Amane, all of your efforts, your gestures.... what a desperate, helpless feeling

its the most predictable response Tsukasa would have, but it still hurts very very much.

he's reaaaally strange isn't he... he's like that....

oh Amane.... you're so reactive to perceived rejection and failure. You'll say the worst things, you'll think the worst things... you're sooo unstable, Amane!

What, you simply don't accept that your otouto would 'try to leave you'? I bet it's something like that. You "know he's fake" now because he "wouldn't do something like this to you"... that's my guess at your dumb little brain. Don't take him too seriously, okay, Tsutsu? Your brother just can't handle the sense of rejection of you choosing to die & leave him behind, or he can't handle that all his gestures and attempts to show his love fell so flat that you have no idea at all of his desperate love of you. Nooooo you have to be fake~~~ my real otouto would understand and he'd never leave me~~!!! I don't think you, Amane, understand how suicidal your real otouto was, and is, to this day! Would you believe it has less to do with disregarding you, and more to do with not believing in his own life's worth? No, you won't believe that, right... it's about you, instead! hahaha....

I'm glad I played AidaIro's Snow White game because... Estelio is THIS HURTFUL to Rasphard, and it's just out of a sense of being rejected!!! Estelio would kick his twin's goddamn corpse on the ground, let him wriggle and DIE in pain and AGONY if Estelio has the impression Rasphard wants nothing to do with him or isn't considering him ... LOL. Iro likes this kind of ... troubled, insecure, desperate, spiteful, needy person... you want the perfect brother, who loves you. You have that, but you can't understand the idea of someone choosing to leave you through death....

I wonder if Tsukasa started grabbing your jacket to move you to protect you.... meanwhile, Amane impulsively moved to protect his ~~~fake otouto, haha!

I wonder ... if Nene-chan has her memories because, she is magical etc, or if Akane actively made Teru do something to her to enable her to... stay as an aware asset, since he isn't completely sided with the Clockkeepers... maybe Akane is waiting to see what 'new future' comes to be, and seeding a few tricks to utilize if he doesn't agree or wishes to pull out? (I mean, if the Severance never happened, Aoi definitely would not be his girlfriend haha)...

The clockeeper's circumstance is interesting enough. Its very Aidairo-core. But not enough for me to talk about haha.

swag, I have been right the whole time! cool. yep!! of course. logical haha!! I can't be too proud of myself, it's been spelled out ...

that same old God~~ our Tsutsu!

the year before the murder, when the boys were 12... fuckin scary place to go to. What on Earth are you changing... the circumstances of the shinjuu?

if we're 'fixing' the 'problem', I wonder if that means we'll be going into the original timeline, where Amane would likely still be alive-- he'd just be an old man, and Nene-chan's teacher at Kamome. Wouldn't that be so funny and interesting? Lol. What would we all do if Amane was "Yugi-sensei" and like, old! It would be very AidaIro core AHAHAH ahhh the agegap fetish--! It's not enough to have Sumire x Hakubo and Yako x Misaki and Kako x Mirai and the entire Monstery Nursery AUs LOL you know, we need more ahahahaah (HanaNene is already technically biiig agegap! I would laugh if actually making Amane like 60 woke some people up flfjdklfdjk)

I'm just not sure... Amane could just be dead, I guess, and Tsukasa. Or he could be alive, and old. I have a vague theory that he must be a kaii because of, whatever he or Tsukasa had done together during the shinjuu... (maybe Amane was impulsed to eat some part of Tsukasa, maybe the God blessed Amane at the last second, etc etc)... it's hard to imagine Amane would be a school mystery-- Tsukasa is his yorishiro after all... and we don't quite know what circumstances make Sumire and Tsukasa into objects, if being sacrificed to the God had something essential to do with that...

Well, so interesting, I wonder if Nene-chan will have to go even further than she did in Picture Perfect-- in that arc, she had to choose to reject a seemingly perfect, but ultimately fabricated, world; even if it was 'nicer' than the 'real world'. Now, she might be shown a world fixed of its cracks-- it could even possibly be a world Amane never had to murder his brother, like she wanted before. Nene-chan is so often getting "what she asked for" in the wrong way, at the wrong time. She fell in love with "Hanako". Is the boy she fell in love with "here"? Is he in a form she can confess to?

Furthermore, she just bonded with Tsukasa, and has knowledge of the Red House... must be essential, to write that happening before this-- just before, even. Tsukasa even inspired her to need to free herself, even if Amane isn't there to save her.

Poor Nene-chan though-- so scary!!! What an awful situation to be in HAHAHA, flung around...

I have no idea what Mitsuba's situation will be, but Tsukasa is responsible for our "Mitsuba" to even be around. He wouldn't have even managed to become the ghost about the entryway without Tsukasa kaii-ifying him through his first, vague wish.

Well, it would be funny if these things were all true now:

-Amane is alive, but he's old lol -Aoi is not Akane's gf, and maybe that other timeline was the only goddamn way you could ever get her within reach lol -No Mitsuba To Speak Of lol

MUCH POSSIBLE, MUCH TO THINK ABOUT-- MAYBE I'M WRONG ABOUT IT ALL!!! Iro-sensei writes such interesting plot twists WOO ahahaha! I WONDER IF WE WILL INTERACT WITH 12 YEAR OLD TSUKASA AGAAAIN~~ pleaaase ~~

feeling more certain than ever that Tsukasa is The single most tragic member of this cast hahaha

[callsigndragon]

Seeing Red | Ch. 26: The plot thickens ✍️📲

Word count: 4.3k (this is nuts)

Warnings: swearing, dad jake, WHO SENTS THE BOUQUET (read and you'll know), jealous jake, cycunt, someone gets punched pt.2, medical innacuracy but hey i'm a teacher not a doctor, BOB'S WIFE, and a fucking cliffhanger bc this chapter is super long.

A/N: NEXT. CHAPTER. REVEALS. THE. TRUTH. JUST. WAIT. A. BIT. Pls 😭❤️

Masterlist on pinned

It’s been a month since you came here. And what a month! 

After the second week of silence regarding the big secret, you stopped waiting. You knew he wanted to tell you; he just needed a bit of time. How much time was a bit, you didn’t know. But you could wait. 

During the last month, Jake has been the best father you could have wished for your son. He spent days baby-proofing his house, with Reuben’s help and with a soon-to-be dad named Bob, who took lots of notes. Liam has only been in Jake’s house once, when he hosted a dinner the night before you all left for a mission. 

Oh, the mission. It was more of a scouting mission, but you still had to spend almost two weeks on a carrier with the whole squad. That meant sharing a room with Phoenix, small corridors, and a lack of sun. The narrow corridors were the worst part. The universe must have been trying to laugh at you or something, because every time you had to walk through one of those, you found Jake at the other end. It brought thousands of memories. The ones that left you with weak knees. Yeah, he still has that effect on you. 

Jake has become a mystery to you. While he may appear to be a completely different person on the outside—someone you don't know—on the inside, he is still the same man you fell in love with. 

His entire demeanor has changed, too. It’s like his father's instincts have taken over his personality, and all that bad attitude he displayed with the new recruits or as an instructor is now gone. He has become a perfect aviator, a perfect instructor, and a perfect father. Warlock even came one day to congratulate him for his outstanding behavior. 

You’re sure Warlock was the one who came to congratulate him because Cyclone couldn’t even think about it. Every time you two were in the same room, something sent shivers down your spine. You have been trying to avoid him lately. 

Everything is perfect. Liam has a lovely and supportive family—more uncles and aunts than days in a week—and Penny and Mav, whom Liam calls Memaw and Pepaw. Your mom, hearing that Liam has so many people surrounding him, has told you that ‘you don’t need her’. She’s literally trying to get you and Jake together, whatever it takes. And she believes she can accomplish this by staying at home with Lady. She has adopted the dog as her own. 

Everything is perfect. Well, it could be even better if Jake told you the truth. 

But you’ll have to wait for that. 

Jake knocks on your door just when you have turned off the computer. “Ready, sweets?” 

“Yeah, just let me get my stuff,” You mumble while opening one of the drawers to get some folders. 

Jake watches silently as the dog tags slip from the inside of your shirt, hanging from the chain. There they are. The engagement ring he bought, the wedding band you chose together, the one that he placed on your finger at your wedding. How did Amelia get a picture of them? He will ask her later. 

Your hand hides them quickly inside your shirt, where they belong, and you glance in Jake’s way. He’s grabbing your bag, his right hand patting his front pocket for some reason. “Warlock is now the babysitter?” 

You laugh, closing the drawer and walking to him. “Don’t you think he is better than Dummy Boo?” 

“Much, much better. I was thinking that we could have another Disney movie night.” He suggests, opening the door for you. 

“Sounds good. We came back a week ago but we’ve been doing so much paperwork…” You groan, trying to get your bag from Jake’s hands, but he softly slaps your hand away. “Give me my bag.” 

“Nope,” he grins walking alongside you through the corridor, his hand brushing with yours at every step. He wishes he could just slide his hand between your fingers, draw infinite shapes in your skin.

Ames is right. He needs to tell you. 

“It feels like all I’ve seen of him this week is his sleepy form.” Jake mentions, and you nod, because it’s true. He’s been sleeping more lately. Maybe he gets tired at daycare. 

“Don’t worry, we still have tons of Disney movies to watch with him. I can’t remember what was the last one we saw.”

“The Emperor’s new groove. Next ones are Atlantis and Lilo and Stitch.” 

“Maybe Atlantis is a bit too much for him.” You point out. “Lilo and Stitch.” 

“I bought a Stitch plushie. He’s gonna want one of those.” Jake chuckles and you shake your head while laughing. 

You sigh, stopping when you reach Warlock’s office. “Jake.” 

“Yeah?”

“Maybe when Liam falls asleep we could… talk?” 

He sees the hope in your eyes, a sparkle in them that makes his heart skip a bit. “Yeah. We’ll talk.”

The smile that you give him in return could illuminate a town for an entire month. “Thank you.” 

A part of him feels miserable that you have to thank him for doing something that he should have done before. “You don’t need to thank me, sweets.”

You kiss his cheek and open the door, Jake standing behind you with reddening cheeks. The smiles on your faces drop when you see Cyclone instead of Warlock. 

“Where’s Solomon?” You inquire as you observe Liam doodling on a piece of paper. 

“He had to leave, and I stayed with Liam.” 

"Hey, baby," you say as you kneel in front of him and kiss his cheek.

“Hello, mama.” 

“Want to go home?” He nods, and you move his hair out of his face. You need to get him a haircut. “Dada is waiting outside. Can you go with him while I give Beau some boring papers?” 

“Dadaaaa!” Liam goes running towards his dad and hugs his leg. Jake drops the bag and hugs him. 

“What have you done today, bubs?” 

“I paint a lot. Wally is funny.” Liam explains to his dad, who believes that this Wally is Warlock. Liam goes around giving nicknames to everyone. Mickey is Mickey Mouse. Nobody knows why Reuben is called Ben-Ben. Nat, Javy and Bob don’t have nicknames, their names are just that short. And then, there’s Rooster. Well, Woosta. Jake fell to the floor the first time Liam called Bradley like that. 

“What about Dummy Boo? Was he funny?” Jake keeps talking to his son while observing the interaction between Red and Cyclone. He still gives him a weird feeling; there’s something behind his actions that doesn’t sit right with Jake. 

Javy calls it jealousy, but it goes beyond that. It’s just weird. 

Cyclone writes something on a piece of paper that he pushes across the desk until it sits in front of Red’s hand. She takes it with a smile on her face. What the fuck is going on? 

Did Cycunt just give her his number? 

Today, of all days, the day where he has decided to confess everything to Red, and maybe, even though Jake knows that this is hoping too much, that will lead to the two of them having another chance to be together. 

This has to be a joke. 

“Woosta!” 

“My baby!” Bradley grabs Liam by the waist and lifts him up, making him giggle. It’s quite a sound that you don’t hear too often in a gym. 

“Can you take care of him for a bit? I want to hit the bag.” You ask him, leaving Liam’s bag next to the two boys. 

“Of course. We’re gonna play a bit with the football, right, buddy?” He tickles Liam, and you smile. You’re so lucky to have them. 

“Thanks, Rooster.” 

You get your things out of the bag that Jake has left in front of you and go change into more comfortable clothes. You’ve been boxing since the academy days; at first it was like a joke, not really thinking how much you would end up enjoying it. It eventually became a part of your daily routine. Hit the bag for a while to de-stress. 

You turn back to the room, wrapping your hands with the red cotton wraps you always carry in your bag. 

“Want help?” Jake stands behind the punching bag, his brows knitted together and his arms crossed across his chest. 

“Yeah, thanks.” He helps you, silently wrapping your hands and fingers. “Are you okay?” 

“Just peachy.” 

“Okay…” 

He drops your hand once it is properly wrapped, then gets the gloves and assists you in slipping your hands into them. “Ready?” 

You nod, moving your arms a bit, and throw a combination against the bag. It feels good. 

You keep going for a bit, feeling Jake’s eyes on you. You know he wants to say something, but he's biting his tongue. 

“Just say it, cowboy.” 

“So... you and Cyclone.” He finally mutters through clenched teeth. 

“What about me and Cyclone?”

“There’s something there?” 

You stop punching the bag immediately. “What?” 

“Every time we have to leave the kid outside daycare, he’s there. Every. Single. Time.” 

You move around the bag, staring into his eyes. “Please, tell me you’re not trying to insinuate what you’re trying to insinuate.” 

“What? That you two are together? Perhaps that's why he called you to lead the team?" His voice raises a level, making the others stop working out and look at the two of you. 

You let out a dry laugh, watching from the corner of your eye as Nat walks closer to the two of you. “You really think I’m dating Cyclone?” 

“That’s what it looks like, yes” 

“And you think you have any right to comment on who I date or not?” 

“So it’s right!” 

You close your eyes for a second. “Rooster, can you take Liam out of here?” 

“Come on, buddy. Let’s play outside” You wait until Rooster and Liam leave the gym to respond. 

“Look, asshole. I’ve been waiting for a fucking month—no, scratch that. I’ve been waiting for three fucking years for you to come back and tell me what the fuck I’ve done wrong, why you left, and why I had to raise our kid alone.” 

“Red, calm down,” Phoenix says, standing next to Jake. 

“I won’t calm down. I’ve been here for a month. You’ve been in my house, every fucking night, and you have slept on the couch because you didn’t want to leave. I knew that you being part of Liam’s life meant that I’d have to see you all the time, even if I didn’t want to.” Your voice is starting to break; you pause for a second to breathe, but Jake takes it as his turn to speak. 

“I think I’m entitled to know who the fuck enters my kid’s life.” Jake spits out. 

“Jake, you asshole, you have literally been with me every day since I set foot on this base! We work together, we eat together, we go home together with Liam, you sleep there…” 

“Your point?” 

You're trembling, your eyes are wet, and your teeth are clenched. Why is he doing this? “Do you think I had time left to go see that man?” 

“I don’t know, but he gave you a piece of paper with his number, didn’t he?” He steps closer to you. “Maybe even his address.” 

“Jake, man. It’s time to stop” Reuben puts a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off. 

“In case you forgot, you left me. Let me repeat it again, because maybe your brain doesn’t understand it. You left me.” You emphasize each word by pressing your glove against his chest. “You don’t have a fuck to say about my life. And no, I’m not seeing Cyclone.” 

You turn around to leave, wanting to be the mature person in the room. But again, Jake being Jake, he needs to have the last word. “Then tell him to stay the fuck away from what’s mine” 

“Oh shit,” Payback mutters when you come back to where they are. 

You throw an uppercut to his stomach, making him fall to his knees. He grunts, breathlessly looking at you. You crouch down, resting your arms on your knees. “You don’t own me, Jake Seresin. Never forget that.” 

He starts coughing when you enter the locker room. 

"Red.”

“Oh my god, Jake. What now?” You are really close to throwing something at him. 

“Please. I’m so-” He moves closer to you, the angriness in his face long gone. You can only see regret now. 

“If you say you’re sorry after all the bullshit you just said in front of everyone, I will punch you again, this time without gloves.” You warn him, walking a few steps back. You don’t want him close to you. Your body will betray you, and you know it. 

While you were out there screaming at each other, you felt a need to just grab him by the back of his neck and kiss him. He needs to remember that you married him three years ago and that you weren’t the one who asked for a divorce. He needs to know that you were and still are very much in love with him. 

And even though you can understand the jealousy he must have felt and how it makes you do and say crazy things, it’s not an excuse. 

“You wanna know what that piece of paper was?” You rummage through your bag, looking for that damned piece of paper, pressing it against his chest. “Read it.” 

“Jane Simpson?” His brows furrow. That's not the name he was expecting to read. 

“Cyclone’s daughter. She’s a sitter. Cyclone said that next time the daycare is closed, I could call her and ask her to take care of Liam.” You grab all your things while Jake registers this information, feeling like an absolute dick. Great, he deserves it. “Don’t fucking come to my house tonight.” 

Jake spends the next five hours inside his car, arms and head resting on the steering wheel. How has he messed up so much? Today was the day. He was going to tell you the truth, and there wouldn't be any secrets left between them. Not anymore. 

But fucking Jake Seresin had to open up his big mouth.  

He grabs his phone, taking a deep breath before sending a text to Mav. 

Ames and Mav are glad that you punched him. He really deserves it. He's been scolded by both of them for hours now.

"When you punched Rooster a while ago, I was glad," Ames explains, filling up Jake’s glass of water. "But now? I want to go and give her a round of applause." 

"Yeah, yeah. I know I deserve it, don't remind me." Jake lets his head fall against the table. The two of them are sitting outside the bar, in one of the benches, Mav has gone inside to help Penny with the new customers. "I'm gonna need a miracle now. She won't forgive me." 

"Let's remember that she still carries her wedding rings around." She points out, playing with Jake's hair. 

"How did you find out?" Jake's voice comes out muffled.

"Red showed them to Nat, Penny saw them and sent us a text. I've been carefully trying to take a picture of them since she told me. And one day she fell asleep on the couch, Liam had been playing with them…" 

"He likes shiny things," Jake mutters to himself, that sentence making so much sense now. He liked to play with his mom's dog tags because the rings were there. 

"I just took a picture. But instead of making you understand that she's still pretty much in love with you, and faithfully waiting for you to come back, it had the opposite effect." 

He lifts his head, realizing that he said all those stupid things literally one hour after Amelia sent him that photo. "I'm an asshole." 

"Congrats, it took you only…" She checks her phone. "Shit, it's almost midnight." 

"Already?" Jake grabs his phone from his pocket. It had been silent all day. 

He gets up from the bench in a swift motion, the glass of water falling over the table. "Jake, what the fuck?" 

He unlocks the phone and calls you, his whole body frozen in pure terror. 

Not his kid. 

Everything but him. 

"Red?" He can hear Liam crying. It breaks his heart into a million pieces. 

"Oh my god Jake, thank God. Liam has a high fever, and the fucking car isn't working, and…” You're trying to calm Liam, but he can hear you crying. You must be so scared. Jake grabs his car keys and runs to his car for the second time in one month. 

Jake knows he has to be the big person now. He needs to keep his cool and not fuck this up. His son needs him. "Hey, hey. Honey, listen to me, okay? I'm at the Hard Deck. Just give me a few minutes, and I'll be with you. I'm gonna call Bob and check if his wife is working tonight." 

"Shhh, Liam. I know it hurts, but we're gonna make it stop, okay? Dada's coming." You choke on your words, and he doesn't want to end the call, but he needs to. He needs to call Bob.

"I'm gonna hang now. I'll be there soon." 

"Hurry, please." 

You hang up, and he scrolls down his recent calls to look for Bob. 

"Man, I don't want to talk to you right now." Bob quickly says, angry at Jake’s behavior. 

"Bob, please. Liam’s sick. Is Doc working?" 

"Yes, she is. Take him to the hospital; I'll call her." 

"Thanks, Bob. We'll be there soon."

"I hope it's nothing."

Jake hangs up the phone for the second time in minutes and drives like a madman. He can hear Liam's heartbreaking cries in his head. He must be hurting. It could be literally anything. Reuben told him that children get sick often; it's part of their life. But this is his first time going through this. 

When he drove like this last month because you were sick, he felt scared. This is ten times worse. A kid is sick. He's a baby; he doesn't know how to explain things. If he's hurting, he won't say it; he's only going to cry and hope that it goes away. 

And the only thing his parents can do is take him to the ER and hope for the best. 

Once he gets to your home, he sees you. You're wearing the same clothes you had in the gym, and it makes it look like it has only been a few hours since the last time he saw you. The tiredness on your face, however, makes it feel like an eternity. 

“Get in.” He opens the passenger door from the inside, and you run to get inside the car, tears staining your face. Liam keeps crying, his face is red and wet, and when he sees his dad, he makes grabby hands in his direction and calls for him between cries. “Dada needs to drive, bubs. We’re gonna take you to see Doc, okay? You remember Doc?” 

Jake turns the engine on and drives to the hospital. “Is she working?” You ask loudly, trying to make yourself heard over Liam’s cries. 

“Yeah, she’s waiting for us.” 

“Thank god.” 

Once you get to the ER, you see Doc waiting for you, her hand resting on her small baby bump. “There you are.” 

“Aren’t you gonna get into trouble for this?” 

“Pediatrics is empty. Follow me.” 

Doc leads you to one of the children’s rooms in the ER. You try to leave Liam in bed, but he doesn’t want to let go of you. Jake hands him a plushie, and Liam’s attention is diverted long enough for Doc to check his temperature. “Has he been eating well lately?” 

“Warlock told me that Liam didn’t eat all his morning snacks, and he didn’t want to eat dinner early.” You explain, playing with your fingers. Jake takes your hand between his, squeezing it tightly. 

“It’s okay, relax.” He whispers, and you nod. 

“Has he been angry or distracted?” Doc is now looking at Liam’s ears. 

“Not really.” 

“Has he been rubbing his ear?” 

You think for a moment. “Yeah. He’s been doing that all afternoon.” 

She nods and grabs her tablet, writing down everything. “It’s just an ear infection. He rubs his ear, hoping to get rid of the pain.” 

Jake and you both sigh with relief. Ear infections are very common. “You must think I’m an idiot for not noticing and overreacting like this.” 

Doc smiles and hugs Red. “You did what you had to do. Your kid was in pain, and you didn’t know what to do, so you went to the doctor. That’s what good parents do.” 

“Thank you, Doc.” Jake says when she turns to hug him. 

“Any time. I’m gonna get some painkillers for him. Wait here. You’ll be able to leave in a minute.” She leaves you alone, Liam more calm now that he has a new toy to play with, but silent tears still run down his face. 

“I’m sorry you had to run to my house for an ear infection.” You mutter under your breath, your gaze fixed on Liam's hair. 

“I should be the one apologizing here, sweets. I was supposed to be there with you.” Jake’s thumb caresses your knuckles; the action melts you inside. You’ve missed him so much. Being close to him Touching him. Feeling him. 

“You’re cute, but you’re not cute when you’re jealous.” You say, somehow make him chuckle. 

He lifts his eyes and locks them with yours in an honest, poignant stare. “You’re the only thing I have left, Red. You and Liam. I was so scared to lose you both. I’m so, so sorry.” 

“Jake…” 

Doc enters the room, medicine in hand. “Okay, buddy, I’m gonna give you this, and once you get home, you’re gonna feel so much better.” She pushes the oral syringe into Liam’s mouth, who takes the medicine like a good boy. “That’s it. Here’s the name of the medicine I just gave him.” 

You look at the paper. “Yeah, I have this one at home.” 

“Perfect then. It’s gonna kick in very soon. He will fall asleep soon, too. His body is really tired from all the crying.” Doc kisses Liam’s head. “I hope to see you soon under much better circumstances.” 

“Thank you so much, Doc. You’re the best.” Jake hugs her again and takes Liam. 

“Don’t mention it. I’ll call Bob and tell him it’s nothing, okay? Go home and rest. You both look like you need it.” She gives you a sympathetic smile and accompanies you to the door, waving to a sleepy Liam, who is now resting in his dad’s arms. 

“I think he’s gonna fall asleep.” Jake whispers, and you look at him. Yeah, he has that tired look in his eyes. 

“I’ll drive.” 

He frowns. “You sure?” 

“Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll drive.” 

“He’s asleep.” You whisper, sitting next to Jake on the sofa. The room is dark, with the only source of light coming from the streetlight on the other side of the street. 

Jake’s head rests against the back of the sofa. “You should go to sleep, too. I’ll stay here in case he wakes up.” 

You shake your head and start crying. “I’m sorry, Jake.” 

“Hey, hey,” He takes your face between his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. “What are you apologizing for?” 

“I called you crying like a crazy woman, and all that happened was that Liam had an ear infection.” 

Jake shushes you and hugs you tightly. “No, that’s not what happened. A good mom called the not-so-good dad and asked for help when their kid wasn’t feeling good.” 

“You’re a good dad, Jake.” You state, not leaving room for doubts. He is a good dad, and he needs to know that. 

“But I’m not a good man.” He retorts, separating himself from your body, even if that’s exactly the opposite of what he wants to do. 

You sigh, leaning against the sofa. “Jake, you said some stupid things. And you apologized. I can’t imagine how you must have felt when you suddenly encountered yourself as part of a family, and then your brain tells you that some prick is trying to steal them away from you.” 

Jake snorts. “You called Cyclone a prick?” 

“Cycunt suits him better.” You smirk, and Jake swears he could kiss you. “Look, I know he was flirting with me, but I thought that if I didn’t say anything, he would stop.” 

“Nah, it doesn’t work that way. Men are idiots. Ignore us, and we’ll think that you’re trying to play hard to get. Say no, and we’ll think you’re saying yes. Be completely obvious, and we’ll think that you’re not interested at all.” 

“And you say that women are difficult.” 

“That’s why you’re the ones giving birth, sweets. You’re better than us in every single aspect.”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of you. “You’re not a bad man, Jake. The only bad thing you’ve done is easy to fix.” 

Jake looks at his hands for a second, deep in thought. “I’m gonna need something strong.” 

“Tequila? Mickey gave me a bottle.” 

“Tequila works.” 

You get up and go to the kitchen, coming back in an instant with two glasses and the bottle. Jake grabs the bottle and fills the glasses, clinking them before downing it in one shot. 

“Okay. You want the truth? Here’s the truth.”

Tag list: @purplevortexx @shrimping-for-all @caitsymichelle13 @callmemana @abaker74 @starkleila @topgunmenbefinebruh @blue-aconite @tayrae515 @alexxavicry @xoxabs88xox @mercurio23 @smells-like-perfect-senses @dempy @djs8891 @indynerdgirl @countryclubswifey @lauenderhaze @avaleineandafryingpan @poppyalice2001 @emorychase @wildxwidow @agentrose17 @shanimallina87 @khaylin27 @fudosl @rhirhikingston @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @ducks118 @teacupsandtopgun @impossiblebaglecowboyfreak @marissat1998 @blairfox04 @phoenix1388 @potato-girl99981 @sarahjoestewy-blog @phantomxoxo @milestellerwife @dumb-fawkin-bitch @twsssmlmaa @teti-menchon0604 @yanna-banana @multiversalwh0re

[sapphos-darlings]

A certain strangeness has become obvious to me through detransitioning, and it's that for the first time, I'm well and truly aware that other people have very strong opinions about my body and who I am or should be and what that means for how I should be presenting myself.

At home, I have a wonderful bisexual partner who loves me for me, which includes the traits of me that are atypical for my birth sex. Particularly, they love the little facial hair I grow - and, to my surprise, got very sad when I shaved it for a trip to the capital. Of course I did, the same way I'll wear something that isn't my pyjamas when showing up in public for more than a trip to the store, but to them, this was a loss of something, and upsetting on a level that I hadn't expected. A silly thing, from both perspectives, they admit to this and there is no real pressure for me to show up as a caveman to the outside world, and in this case, it was a very positive and reassuring experience of someone having preferences for my body, because hair is something I grow naturally and my partner's reaction reinforced that this is not unwanted or ugly, which is a message I perhaps would expect from most people.

When I brought this up to my mother, however, she immediately reacted strongly in the opposite. She told me, very straightforwardly, that the facial hair that I grow is unsightly and I should get it plucked or lasered. I'm sorry, what? I spent four years of my life taking masculinising hormones so that I could grow facial hair and this is the best I could do and you'll tear it from my cold dead hands, thank you very much. She's also told me that my leg hair, as fine as it is, is horrible and I should shave it off. Why? Why should I? The only venue at which I present my hairy legs at is my own home. The hair that I grow hardly bothers anybody, and if she doesn't want to see it then maybe she shouldn't be looking when she comes over once every two months or so for a couple of days. She's entering my space, voluntarily - I'm not going to shave my legs for my own goddamn mother and if she can't deal with my body existing in its natural state then that seems like something she might need to go to therapy over, not my problem to deal with.

At a doctor's appointment, recently, as terrible as it was, I was trying to have changes made to my SSRI medication because the side-effects of it were driving me up the wall. Instead, this doctor diverted the discussion to her own personal problems with me.

"I was expecting a male patient. Are you changing your sex?"

No, ma'am, I am not. Sorry about the misleading name but that has nothing to do with my medication's array of side-effects. I had to explain to her that I am a born female, tried transitioning but it didn't work out because my body is extremely determined to stay female thank you very much, and that I am not male, never was, and I'm most definitely not MtF, not that it has any goddamn relevance to, again, my medication - which we never got around to discussing, because she did not care.

I ended up lowering my dose without supervision and dealing with the withdrawals to get rid of the worst of it, since clearly the psychiatric unit was not interested in helping me out with the issues I was having.

This is extremely jarring to me, because prior to detransitioning, I never faced issues like this. Now it feels like I'm questioned left and right about who I am and why I have a name like this and why I look like this and people feel entitled to opinions about my body and my appearance in ways that they never did before transition or during transition. When I was transitioning, I had few encounters in terms of people asking about my transition - but when they did, they were positive encounters. The most common one was chatty nurses during my million urgent care visits during that time, where they'd carefully sniff out how I felt about discussing my transition as a topic, and often fell into a casual, friendly conversation about how it all works, because I was never averse to talking about it and they were often dealing with the first trans patient of their careers, so it was the first time for them to be able to hear how it all worked and what it was like. It was never a negative experience, and nobody ever commented on how I looked, how I presented myself, etc.

And now it feels like that has been flipped on its head. Everyone has an opinion on my body, who I am, how I'm showing up. I should be doing this differently, I should look different, I should wear different clothes, I should have a different name.

I'm grateful to the people - my partner, my friends - who truly accept that I am who I am and I look the way I do and this is a positive thing for all of us. The rest of these people, I need them to, frankly, piss off about my body and identity. None of your fucking business how much hair I have on me or what my name is. Deal with it.

[sokumotanaka]

Nah realistically this is how it'd go.

---

I got alot to say about this so let's go down the line.

First and foremost;

The specific lyrics don't correlate on a comparison front. RWBY never showed Adam the light of day, they killed him, could of easily jailed him, fixed the racism in the world no need for it to be like our own. But the white writers were lazy and then tried to blame it on them being white! When they hired expensive voice actors and yes men all the time!

Second; My hero failed really hard in terms of addressing the prejudice they set at the start of the series. Apparently this was better adressed in the manga but I looked at it and it seems exactly the same there. It's very late that they talk about mutant prejudice and it's in the lense of a back flash where all the characters say it sucks but then never talk about it again. I don't know about you but when me and my friends talk about prejudice and anti POC racism, it's never just one time, we discuss it often.

It was weird to think that certain stores wouldn't let Froppy and Ojiro in cause they're mutated. (Despite a quirk being a mutation for everyone but SURE) You'd think the heroes would have opinions on this. And Izuku has the worst opinion on prejudice. In the later arcs people start not letting mutants into places, not even shelters while villains are roaming around! Deku comes across this giant fox girl that's being attacked by random dudes who claim that because she's walking around looking like that it scared them...scared them into attacking with lethal weapons on an unarmed woman.

Now if this were well written you'd have some form of social commentary, but Horikoshi sucks as a writer and Deku tells the woman who was attacked "I'm sure those guys were scared too." Which is horrible to tell a person attacked based on her appearance but SUUURE! That's def what I want to hear from the HERO PROTAGONIST! Then during the great ninja war they have a bunch of mutants turn towards the only black character in MHA and repeat things like "Don't shoot, we aren't looters, you'll never understand!" like black people don't face racism and prejudices....ever!

Quirks are still relatively new to the world, they didn't exist forever, it's not uncommon for your grandparents to be quirkless so it's not like mutants have faced decades of racial segregation (And that's not me brushing aside their suffering but having them turn to a black person and say 'you won't understand' is ...tone deaf.) And not to mention the only villain Spinner fighting for mutant equality by trying to take down the system, gets stopped by Shoji, a character who didn't get to BE one until he had to step in to fight another mutant- then him telling spinner "You're gonna set us back 40 years!" Is so silly and funny coming from a character the narrative didn't want to give and growth to till he had to fight his own people so they can stay marginalized I guess.

MHA has the same issue as RWBY where the narrative and writers think that second class citizens should sit on their hands and just *Wait* till racist and republicans want to give us equality, then, we'll earn in.

Series like these embarrass me, especially when people compare them too X-men cause neither of these shows have a dark skinned poc even in the main roster- Ororo, STOMPS on your all pale skinned cast of fictional races and people with tails who don't get to do crap. That series at least addresses the sigma, the prejudice, the unfairness and people get to be angry and tell off racist.

MHA and RWBY? They'd so much as FAINT if they had to talk about racial and societal issues.

[ask-the-clergy-bc]

How would the papas (II,III,IV) be with a s/o that doesn’t get enough sleep so their constantly tired and because of that they also sleep in a lot too, so it’s a weird cycle where the s/o is pretty much messing up their own sleep cycle? And how would they make sure their s/o is getting the proper amount of sleep?

Ah yes, perfect for me as a fellow 'let's fuck up my sleep schedule' person! B) This one is for my fellow ghesties who take naps when they really shouldn't.

Papas Helping Their S/O with Bad Sleep Habits + Getting Enough Sleep

Papa Nihil: At first Nihil just assumed you might have sleep apnea and needed a machine like he does. He's brought up the possibility to you several times. But when you tell him it's because you can never sleep at the same time he laughs. Naps are tricky, didn't you know? Normally Nihil would leave you to your own devices. He's not going to dictate what you can and cannot do. But when you ask him to help you, Nihil will do everything he can! His knee jerk response is to get his own personal medical advisor to come around and give advice. Because he wouldn't know the first thing about how to help! But you both get incredible guidance, which Nihil vows to adhere to in solidarity with you. So he pledges to skip naps (or at least tries to) and stick with staying active with you to avoid taking them. And he only ONCE in a while catches a nap with you, as a treat.

Papa I: This man is the best/worst thing to happen to your sleep schedule. Because if you ASK him to help... he's going to help. Papa has had the same sleep schedule for over four decades, and he hasn't missed a day. He gets up at 5 am every morning, and he's in bed by 10pm. MAYBE 11pm or later on his touring days, but he's always up with the sun. Papa will happily put you on a sleep schedule, but be warned, he will make you stick to it. That means making sure you don't nap by accident and keeping you up. Papa can be incredibly rigid and unwavering if it means helping you. Also putting you to bed at the same time each night. Always gives gentle reminders that if you try to sleep later, take a nap too soon in the day, or not rest you are going to be miserable. Papa is also very good at on the spot telling you how many hours and minutes of sleep you will get if you go to bed right now. Routine is key, and his goal is to get you onto one so consistently that you won't even have to think twice. You'll naturally want to go to bed and get up at the same time every day.

Papa II: Despite how shitty his sleep is during touring or party benders, Papa normally has a pretty consistent sleep schedule. But he's never been a person who needed a lot of sleep. So he can't relate to being tired outside of hang overs or getting sick. You, however, need all the good sleep you can get. And he's not about to sit down and let you suffer and be exhausted all the time. Papa is a firm but fair type of partner who will call you out on your bad sleeping habits. Not necessarily to hurt your feelings, but Papa likes to push you to treat yourself better. And he KNOWS you need the shove in the right direction. The man will go out and get you an entire new mattress if it helps you sleep better! Papa will bluntly remind you not to take naps if you start yawning around him. Or inform you being on your phone in bed is just going to exasperate your inability to sleep. He's a huge pain in your ass, but you're grateful for it. His other method is to keep you more engaged during the day, so he schedules more shared activities when work allows it. You can't nap if you're on the go, right?

Papa III: While he's very encouraging and supportive, you aren't going to get much help out of Papa. Because his sleep schedule is chaotic at best, and spontaneous at worst. You couldn't force him to maintain healthy sleep if you bribed him. This man lives for staying up all night to party. So he regularly sleeps in when he's not expected to be anywhere important. Not only that, but Papa LOVES cat naps! There's a reason he has a giant chaise longue hidden in his office! But, for you? He will try to encourage you. But he will fully take advantage if you come to him complaining you need a nap. Because that's how you both end up cuddled and waking up at 8pm, unable to sleep through the night. Honestly, Papa could also use help making sure his sleep hygiene is a lot better!

Papa IV/Cardinal Copia: Copia will be the first to say it's very hypocritical of him to ever try to scold you about your bad sleep habits. Mainly because he is a workaholic who regularly pulls extended all-nighters to get stuff done. So in truth he, too, could use the same advice. You both unanimously decide that you need help breaking this shitty cycle of being exhausted. Copia gets the help of his ghouls to bug the both of you with regular reminders. Reminders to keep awake when you feel ready to nap. Getting up to take a walk or get a snack, anything. The ghouls also have permission to take your work away from you both when it's getting too late. Cumulus, out of all the band ghouls, has been the biggest unblessing in keeping you both in bed on time! After about a week or two of adjusting, Copia and you find yourselves much more refreshed and less stressed trying to stay up all the time. And the need of caffine has been cut in half, which makes you both feel that much better! Cumulus, of course, was rewarded beautifully for her help.

[kassymalone]

📓🐁

A mouse drags in a notebook hoping for your secret fanfiction knowledge.

A dangerous thing to do in a house full of cats, little mouse. Alright, grab your pen, let me give you the lowdown on an Undertale fic I'll probably never write, but I do think about from time to time.

You are a murderer. The courts may call it 'self defence', but you know what you did, and you ain't sorry. You're a criminal, just another degenerate chewed up and thrown out by the system with no education, no prospects, and no future.

What you do have - unbeknownst to you - is a twin. Not identical, but close enough looking that it's obvious you came from the same womb, finally reunited by a rare gene flagged up by the prosecution to link you to the scene of your crime. Maddie's parents are pissed - pissed that you were kept from them during the adoption procedure, that they were denied the opportunity to raise two kids.

One day in court later, and your delinquent ass is on the other side of the country in a Norman Rockwell vs Stepford Wives nightmare, all white picket fences and mowed lawns and assholes wearing pastels. Your new foster parents are far from the worst you've had, and it's cool to have a blood relative for the first time in your life. You've got the opportunity to finish school, even if you're going to be older than everyone else, and as long as you keep your nose clean while on parole you can stay out of actual-adult prison.

Not that anything is that simple. You're not an easy person to deal with for your immature sister, her unprepared parents and the pathetic school bullies not expecting a convicted criminal in their class. As much as you're trying to do good and fly right, some days you just really want to stab a fucker...

Jealous that you're more 'mature' than she is, Maddie gets herself a job at a bakery/café, some place named 'Muffets', run by a couple of skeleton monsters that are pretty common around here. You think she should be focusing on school, since this is her second time repeating the final year, so take it upon yourself to be as much of a nuisance as legally possible to get her fired.

Too bad for you, Black and Blue - who aren't twins even though they look like they could be - are a lot more difficult to rattle than the other middle class weaklings around here, and send you to sit at the kiddie table with the delivery boy, a tall skeleton who sleeps most of the day. It ain't such a bad place - Blue is a nice guy, and Black is tough, but fair, and they treat Maddie pretty well for a part timer who keeps making idiot mistakes. They won't even let her work weekends unless she can prove her homework is all done, so shit might just work out.

Besides, Black is real fun to tease. You'll never get tired of the way he blushes, how his eyelights disappear when you say something 'naughty', the way he flounders when you 'accidentally' touch his arm. He'd never do anything - the guys too straight to even consider fucking someone still in school - but you can still play.

But as you well know, the good times don't last forever. Between the creepy neighbour that's way too interested in your sister, the bad influences from your old life determined you drag you back down, and the assholes in the new one that don't want you to be a better person, your stress and hackles just keep rising.

Questions abound - why weren't Maddie's parents told about you when you were babies? Who is this Matthew kid in the family photo's, and why does he look just like your sister? Are Black's boundaries as hard and fast as you thought? And who the fuck is lurking in the bushes at night?!

[mrslittletall]

I have been in a situation that is close to yours, though in my case it was my mother, and it's not like I had the option of divorcing my mother, but there definitely were moments, especially when the weeks dragged into months, and she was getting more petulant rather than less. Always wanting attention and not letting us breath a single time away from her, where I wanted out.

But she got better and by getting better, she started calming down and being less irritating.

And I think a big reason for why she was acting out in the first place is that she felt like her life had stopped and that we were moving on without her and she needed a constant reminder that we were still there for her.

Once again, the situations a bit different since it's my mother and I never had the option to leave and I feel like even if I did leave I couldn't have left for good, because even when I felt like I hated her, hated how she was taking my life away from me, it's my mom, you know?

And now that she's better, I'm glad I didn't say something irreversible. I did snap at her and I did fight with her and at the worst of times, after weeks and weeks of no rest, I even found myself wishing for it all to end (and then felt guilty about it) but I'm glad I stayed, I'm glad I fought, for her and with her, until she started fighting again too.

And she did not come back the same. My mom from before her illness and now that she's living with it is a different person. But I think, maybe the me from before having taken care of her is also different. And we're still finding our balance and we fight way more than we did before but I also feel I'm closer to her than I was before.

I think you may need to accept that your husband may never be the same as he was before. Maybe he'll get better and he'll go back to being as close to the person you knew before as he can, but maybe he won't. Maybe he'll regain his full functions and still have changed and maybe he'll never go back to not needing assistance and that will change everything about your dynamics.

The fact of the matter is that something monumental changed for him, he had a brush with death and that makes it hard for people who never felt that to get what it feels to be made so aware of your mortality and then wake up and have to live with the reminder of that on your body while you watch it seemingly get worse and worse.

And I think, maybe for him right now, he can't see how it's affecting you too. How you've nearly lost him several times and then keep feeling like your still losing him, in a different way now. And all of the efforts you've put into holding on to him and helping him while also living your own life with your own responsibilities full time.

But I think, if you accept that there's a chance things won't go back to how they were but are still willing to try for something that may be just as good once you both find your balance again, then you should try talking about how you feel, let him talk about how he feels, have fights about it even, once he gets well enough to be able to fight back, and try to find a middle ground together.

The worst thing you can do to yourself is let your feelings fester. You'll only grow to resent him and then it'll be difficult to come back from that.

I'm sorry you're both going through all this. I hope your husband gets better and that he will be more appreciative of all you've done and are doing for him and that you get to take a breath soon and that you can both find each other again.

I read through your whole story, anon, and my heart broke while I read it, because I can fully understand it, but as you said, you can't just get rid of your mother. She will always be your mother. But... the feelings of wanting it all to end, I so much get that. During all that uncertainty, when his life was still on a silken thread, I sometimes wish that I would wake up and would be told of his death so I could finally start to properly grief. Those were the worst times and it was not made better by the fact that my husband was drugged out of his mind with morphium pain medicine so that he was acting like a toddler in an adult body... That time is over and my husband doesn't remember anything of it, but I do. It were two awful awful months and once they were over, I was looking so forward to have talks with him again, only to see him slip into depression... and then when we find out that he wasn't healthy yet, I thought it would get better after the next surgery, but then problem after problem occured and now it is October, the time where I thought he would finally be home and he was... for 24 hours. And now I am back at the beginning. And yes, I don't plan to let my feelings fester. I am also aware my husband won't be the same even if he comes back. But I have to tell him how hard it is on me. And that the least he could have done was say thanks when I helped him out after he made a big mess into the bed... and maybe ask if I am okay once I cut my finger, instead of... just lying there, watching TV and making me feel like I am nothing but his nurse. That really really got to me. Tomorrow it is time. Tomorrow I will tell him the whole truth about my feelings and we might scream at each other, but I plan to stand my ground. One thing I know... I don't want to leave him alone. I want to get through this together with him... but he has to understand that he has to work for it! I took so many burdens of him, but the burden of getting healthy and mobile again? That is on him and him alone...

[up-sideand-down]

🤗🦅

Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask

🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants?

Is both an option? Because I do both. I will outline, but at a certain point I lose focus and can't think about what I want to happen next. So...I'll figure it out when I'm writing. Because after I've written it up to that point I kind of have the flow of the story and can write something down.

So really I build a harness and suspension rig so my flying has a modicum of control. Doesn't mean it won't break down and I fly solo though.

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

This might get long. The only really bad advice is to not write, but here are things that I think brought me the most joy when writing.

Write Bad

Seriously, write as shittily as you please. It doesn't matter. The goal is that...you'll get better. You're not going to get better unless you start and when you start it will be bad. Awesome! That means next time you'll figure out something else. Even more awesome!

Everyone makes grammar and syntax mistakes, everyone proofreads and then all the errors pop out when you post. Great! You can still fix it. There's plenty of people who like to beta, you can ask around or maybe they'll even offer it for you. Everything is fixable, but you have to write it to start getting better.

Challenge yourself

Do the things that make you nervous. Join a fandom exchange. Join a word or time limit challenge. Do NatNoWriMo. Stay up all night and @dogoodweirdly What is the worst thing that's going to happen? You drop out and fail.

And that's fine. I've had that happen, no one yelled, no one was upset and if they were...then I didn't want to write for them anyway. Who wants to write for an asshole.

Instead I was welcomed as a cheerleader for the people still going and you better believe I cheered my heart out because I knew next time I was still going to be up there with them

Don't use Chat GPT

It's great at sounding like a good writer...because it's been trained reading a bunch of good writing. And I will admit it's good for the boring writing things. I've used it for work emails...because those sound better when they're generic and don't sound like me.

But I will never use it for my writing. The stuff that comes from my soul. It will never do it right. It will never sound like you.

It might make less errors, but it has no soul. I'd rather shitty writing from me than "good" writing from something that can't even wish it was me.

Read but don't compare

This one is the hardest. You know who they are, that author who always write the good stuff. The person who you wish you could write like. We all have one.

Go ahead, keep reading them. Keep reading all the things. But don't compare yourself. You're two different people, you can't be the same no matter how hard you wish...and you like the fic. You know you do.

It's hard. I know it is. But keep reading, keep commenting, keep the kudos and likes.

Besides you'll cut yourself off from the next tip...

Steal stuff

We don't admit it...but we pick up on the things we read and we like...and we take some small things with us.

I'm not talking entire pages and paragraphs I'm talking about little things like:

A phrase or sentence that sounded really cool

The way they use commas, dashes, semicolons, colons, etc.

The tone and the indicators they use for that

A word you haven't heard but context clues or a dictionary made it sound really cool.

A plot twist that you enjoyed

Structure and how they make the story flow.

Taking these things isn't illegal. These aren't really copyrightable in the first place and...is fanfic. People aren't going to boo you down because you took a saying or a structure from another fic.

And everyone does it either consciously or unconsciously. For example...I started Discworld two years ago. I love it. Wanna guess what popped up in my story during NatNoWriMo?

Footnotes

*gasp* the horror. How dare I?

Well I'm going to keep doing it because it was fun as hell and no one really cares. Steal the little things. Don't apologize.

Which brings me to the final and most important thing

Write for you

We all want the nice comments. We all want the reblogs. We will check it neurotically and cry when they don't show up fast enough.

But never ever write for those comments. They don't matter. (except they do, but that's not the point) The most important member of your reading audience...is you.

I don't know why you started, but I started so I could write the fic I wanted to read in the first place.

Do I read my own fics? Yes I do. Is that kind of narcissistic? I don't really care. I wrote it for me in the first place. The rest of the audience just hitched along for the ride.

Not to say I think I'm the best author out there. Upside the author makes a ton of mistakes and that bitch never updates...but they're a good writer and Upside the reader likes their fics.

Write for you...and you'll always be satisfied when you read your work again...and surprise yourself.

[thebigbadspike]

38, 41, 99, 180, 188, 202, 213, 214, 227, 235, 236, 238, 239, 266, 268

38- do you wake up cranky?

Cranky? No. I'm usually just not awake enough after getting up to care about anything lol

41- share 2 habits

I stir my drinks with knives, not spoons

I never use people's names with them. I will use names in reference to people (when asked by another friend if I call her Buffy, my Buffy explained it pretty well. "To my face? No. In front of me? Yes." She also stated before "when Spike wants your attention he just gets your attention" when discussing with another friend that I don't use names like others do)

99- say 6 facts about your home town

1. It's small. Like... it's not technically a town. Or even a township. It's a charter township, we are technically one step above being a village

2. My hometown mostly consists of churches, liquor stores, and pizza places

3. The only thing to do there is go to the roller rink which is still the go to Friday night hang out for teens

4. Until very recently you had to drive into the city for gas

5. We have more stabbings than shootings

6. During one of the worst winter storms we were the only school district to not close, the surrounding areas made fun of us for years. And we didn't even have high enough attendance for it to count but they still made us stay the whole day

180- share a relationship story

While visiting their friends in CA for a con years ago we broke into an old abandoned zoo for cosplay pictures. We were doing punk!Lion King and even got some shots in the old lion exhibit

188- put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play

Doubt -Twenty One Pilots

Rise Above -Black Flag

Song for Ten -Doctor Who

Sleep Tight -Rhett and Link

What Do I Get? -Buzzcocks

The Devil You Know (God Is a Man) -Face to Face

Cretin Hop -Ramones

Blister in the Sun -Violent Femmes

Main Offender -The Hives

Sex and Violence -The Exploited

202- what is the first curse word that comes to mind?

Right now? Bollocks, for some reason

213- if you met me what would you do?

Tbh not much lol I'm not the most...friendly person meeting new people irl and tend to not say much, and I usually look intimidating which doesn't help put folks at ease meeting me

214: YOU have to leave me a random/ridiculous question:

What's the strangest thing in your fridge?

227- is it the thought that counts? Or is that phrase circumstancial?

Circumstancial

235- five words/phrases that make you laugh

I honestly don't really laugh much unless you wanna count those small semi amused exhales because that's usually all you'll get from me, there aren't any specific words/phrases that get me. Now if you want people who make me laugh I suggest you watch Mythical Kitchen on YouTube, Josh will make me genuinely laugh out loud

236- share a story of something that makes you smile

I got a cameo from James Marsters when we were doing OMWF and he starts it off with "I bequeath unto you the role of Spike" and it was super genuine and he talked about how playing Spike helped him deal with personal stuff and hoped it would help me the same way. He also said he was a bit jealous because I was getting to play Spike live and he never got to do that

238- what is something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What's the story behind that?

Ok so you know Inkheart? The book by Cornelia Funk (not the movie that was rubbish) well I absolutely love it and had intended to read the whole series but my brother read Inkspell right before I was going to and as he was passing the book off to me he told me my favourite character gets killed. I refused to read it then and still haven't gotten myself to actually do it. I have the books...I just get so mad at my brother for telling me about their death every time I look at the books

239- describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life

In high school I was accepted into this special week long Shakespeare program where we worked for 1 week with professional Shakespearean actors from Stratford. At one point we had to do these bonding things and had to hug one of the others, you had to keep holding it until you were breathing together and say "I love you, [name]" we would mill about the room until they told us to stop and turn to the closest person and do this. I don't like saying those words and especially back then would basically refuse to say it to anyone, so having to say it was already awkward. We only did it twice but the first one one of the other kids was in the bathroom so I got paired with one of the instructors who I thought was attractive so that was awkward enough but then the second go I got paired with the girl I had a crush on 😬 the whole thing was real awkward for me

266- have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Honestly not sure how to answer this, I have a hard time figuring out if I have a crush on anyone really, it takes a lot of work for me to differentiate feelings like that

268- make a confession

I hate tiktok because so many people make their videos impossible for those with processing disorders to watch. I will watch the ones Buffy sends me (typically ADHD based videos) and have agreed to make tiktoks with her when I have my Hades cosplay ready, but I really hate tiktok in general

[zoey-angel]

I wonder if you can't help but think about me as much as I think about you

I wonder, if your remarks about how I'm "so mature" and "different" ever ring out in your head the same way they do in mine

I wonder, if you ever stay up, thinking about how it was in the hospital in the ICU, when you gave me the ultimatum of either giving it the ultimatum of making us official, or breaking up with it, or you'd leave

I wonder, if my openness at the beginning of our relationship about being scared to death of people leaving me contributed to you saying time and time again how you've fallen for me and have to leave, if I don't feel the same

I wonder, if you knew just how much my heartbeat spiked every time I checked my phone during classes, even as teachers reprimanded me, just to check if you haven't texted me, because you'd already scolded me for not replying to you immediately during my school hours

I wonder, if you remember me saying there was a 4 years age difference between me and my sibling, and my astounded comments about just how big of a difference I feel between us because of it

I wonder, how you felt on my 18th birthday

I wonder, if you break over it just as often as I do

I wonder, if my sexual texts felt forced, or if I covered it up well enough

I wonder, if I was the only "mature" one you found

I wonder, what made me so "different"

I wonder, if unlike me, you can bring yourself to say my name in a conversation

I wonder, if you think about our conversations anymore, considering the war

I wonder, if you justify how things ended with my nationality

I wonder, if you'd think even lower of me and my people, if you knew I drink now

I never read your final message, I'm sorry, I didn't want to be tempted to respond. I wouldn't have been able to handle that

I never thought I was a cheater, until it made me realise that was what I did

I never thought I'd be capable of that, and yet, I was just so scared of losing you that I did

I wonder, if you'd also have had a panic attack, seeing someone who sort of looked like me on the bus

I just turned 20

It's 3am as I'm typing this

I have uni tomorrow at 8 am

I don't want renewed contact

I cut all contact and did my best to ensure I'd never be able to contact you again

But it's late, and lack of sleep with a slight help of alcohol isn't too good at stopping bad decisions

I don't think you're a terrible person

But the idea that you lack my perspective keeps me up at night, as I question my very own reality

I've known you quite intimately for a while, after all. I can't help but picture just how you talk/think about me

And yes, I was a piece of shit who couldn't let go and instead people-pleased to the extremes, admittedly hurting you also

But Jesus Christ, Zoey

Next time just don't let a 17yo with severe abandonment issues insist they're grown up and mature, and know exactly what they're getting themselves into

Aight since it's been a while I'll answer this. Maybe you'll see. I assume you've moved in by now, so it's safe to answer

I did wait until I knew it was okay because I wanted to back you up in the worst of it. After you passed me the news it was stable, I broke things off

The ultimatum was necessary because you're not a cheater, and it shouldn't be my choice to back off either because that's not fair to it, not to know if you would've chosen it. You needed to choose yourself for everyone's benefit

Honestly I made it as painful as possible because you've said before stuff like "I'd fight for you you'll never be able to push me away". I got quite a show going hoping to severe it well enough that your feelings die, hoping to leave it a boyfriend who's loyal, only thinking about it and not missing some other girl, praying you never contact me again. Thought you both deserved a clean break. Better if you were mad and not sad, unsure if that plan worked out by the looks of this anon

I got diagnosed with autism also. Professionally. Horray!!! Oh and also my country is going through something as you know. I think I'm having a worse time than you actually. People in my year have died, people I knew, and people you're friends with will say they deserved it. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD, I wake up to nightmares every other night, but everyone is in the same boat over here, and it's not like we're safe enough to use comforting words like "it'll be alright" or whatnot. You knew me as a person before the war, but you probably think I deserve death too. I still don't care about your nationality, even if I flinch because of so much history, you're you, and things are too serious to make it about me or us or anything.

Hope this gives you some peace of mind, mr. Grown up man

For the protocol, what would you have me do? Your abandonment issues shouldn't mean I have to stay and sabotage your boyfriend's life, it comes first, this was the healthiest possible solution I could even think of. Especially after realizing how much damage my presence was causing, you agree I was damaging you, no?

Also please remember that I'm the piss poor awkward virgin with very few friends and you were younger but also the cooler more popular and openly sexual one. I never talked with anyone like that neither before nor after you and it, I was ready to do anything to keep you both and to make you like me as much as I liked you, but it wasn't like I was any more confident or mature. I'm still dumb like that, I thought you were the hottest shit on the planet and opened up a regrettable amount. Scared me to think you had access to the vulnerable photos I sent you and what you might do with them

I ended up failing in so many classes after ending contact with you, what happened with it fucked me up mentally and I started therapy, I had to repeat a semester and I'm still seeing my therapist weekly. You didn't have to see any of that, I dealt with it alone. Being severely anxious, demotivated, not having the mental strength to read or draw (I hadn't since we last collabed), burning out like a piece of newspaper, failing to maintain my personal bonds, still working on trust, therapist is still working me up to maybe not feel so helplessly unlovable that I reject every hint of attempt anyone makes of flirting with me out of my own insecurity assuming they'll reject me once they get to know me better and it's better not to try. Almost got a panic attack in the car with a friend when he dropped me off near my house because I thought he was going to ask me out, I ran

Oh btw how did you handle the Wilbur Soot situation? I wondered about you. Actually don't answer that, we're no contact right? Move on:) hope it's well these days, or better. Hope I removed myself as well as I hoped and helped it heal

Edit: on second thought, I'm still being nice. The truth is meaner, I didn't even have romantic feelings for it for the longest time, I made myself uncomfortable over and over and tried to please it in hopes it would like me enough to allow me to be with you. I paid for a trip abroad to see it when all I wanted is to find a place with you. I ended up having feelings for it too but they were faint. It was a good thing we didn't work out. It never could have or should have. Now you go and call me all these things when you were always the narcissist between us three. You make me sound like a predator for "believing you" but I know myself, I know how much I sacrificed for you two only to get dumped, trampled on, you don't even see me as a person anymore. You should have rejected me when I asked you to do so the first time, let me go, let me move on, and not lead me on. OH! I'm actually polyamorous, let's try and make my boyfriend okay with that. I've gone through so much shit because of you.

I bet to your friends you only say I was four years older and made you feel bad, so to answer that question no, I don't struggle to say your name. Did it plenty in therapy. you know the truth and you should be sorry.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #200

Where were your parents born? Mom is from New York and Dad is from Ohio.

Have you ever used public transportation to get to work? No.

Who in your family has the coolest job? Idk, honestly.

Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No.

What is your favorite food to put gravy on? I hate gravy.

Do you know anyone from Canada? I do! My ex's best friend had a long-distance relationship with a Canadian, and during one of her visits, Jason and I hug out with them. We're still Facebook friends, I like her a lot.

What's your opinion on astrology? If you want my honest opinion, I think it's laughable to even consider. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.

Do you use TikTok? No.

Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Yikes, no.

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Doesn't matter to me. I'm less shy and awkward around women, but.

Are you good at hiding your feelings? NO

Can you drive a stick shift? I've never tried, so no.

Do you care if people talk badly about you? I wish I didn't, but I do.

Are you going out of town soon? No.

Does anyone hate you? I'm sure.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years? I feel like probably.

Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? I've been in the same relationship for two and a half years.

What’s the best part about school? Regularly seeing friends. It helped to fight my social anxiety/reclusiveness and stuff.

Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yeah, I've had the same account since I joined as what, a pre-teen? Oftentimes I want to make a new one, however I've liked so many pages (primarily for memes) that I don't want to start over lmfao. LITERALLY the main reason I don't start fresh.

Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I didn't; I was a teacher's pet very keen on not causing trouble.

Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? That would be my mother, and it'd be quite problematic if I found her attractive in the way you're talking. I think she's beautiful, and her smile is the greatest one in the whole world, but there's no sexual attraction there.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah. It's way healthier and deeper with my mom, but.

How do you want to die? Old age, I guess. Surrounded by family.

When was your last physical fight? Never.

Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? The longest I've stayed up consistently is three days, because I was manic.

Ever made out in the bathroom? No, that sounds so uncomfortable to me lol.

Are you scared of spiders? In general, no. I've come to love them. HOWEVER, they can still startle me if I'm not expecting one. As animals though, they're lovely and EXTREMELY interesting!!

What is/are/were your best subject(s)? English/writing, art, and German.

Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes. It's a shitty feeling.

Do you have trust issues? Yes. I do think they've improved, but they're still there for sure.

Favourite food? I'm so unhealthy dude, I would straight-up say chocolate, but let's be real, that's not a proper food. As far as "real" answers go, cheeseburgers, probably. Still unhealthy.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Hell fucking no. I think what's happening in Palestine as we speak is enough fucking proof of that. Whoever has the fucking audacity to say things like kids getting cancer has a reason, how fucking dare you.

Is cheating ever okay? No, it's not.

What makes you happy? Seeing any footage of meerkats.

Is there anyone you would die for? There's honestly a lot of people I would die for, deadass.

What’s the best news you’ve gotten lately? Um... I'm not sure?

^And, the worst? My mom's cancer is back; there's a new growth in her abdomen that will require surgery to remove ASAP. I've been really struggling with it, like we were fully aware it was GONNA come back at some point, her diagnosis was too advanced not to, but I'm still scared. I'm SO convinced I don't have much time left with her, because of course a scan revealed its return AFTER she had to stop her cancer med because it's been three years, and continuing it would put her too deeply at risk for bone marrow cancer, which would be way bigger of a problem.

Do you like getting dressed up? Rarely.

Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? I would be mortified, probably.

Are you reading any books at the moment? Yes; it's Sign of the Moon in the "Omen of the Stars" plot arc of Warriors by Erin Hunter. What a mouthful.

When was the last time you had a tick on you? It's been years, probably. I'm like, deathly afraid of ticks, so I avoid areas where I know they'd be common. It's a fear I need to get over though since I aspire to be a wildlife/nature photographer, and also because I DESPERATELY want to be a herper when my legs are more reliable. I regularly have dreams about herping, this isn't just a shallow want, I feel like my fuckin soul wants it.

Have you been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'm dying to visit one day.

Do you like grapes or raisins better? I only like grapes, raisins are horrendous.

What is the picture on the desktop on the computer you’re using? A meerkat among flowers that I edited to be light pink.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, this is a terrifying concept to me.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah. I don't know how aware I think spirits are, but I definitely believe in the remnants of sentient life existing in SOME way.

Would you ever stay overnight in a haunted house? Oh fucking totally.

When was the last time you had an injection? What for? When I was at the ER for an asthma attack, I think. I had so many needles in me that night lol.

Is there anything you cannot wait to be over? Yes, this struggle to find a medication that helps my depression and its symptoms, especially anhedonia. It was recently decided that I'm going to retry Latuda and Lamictal, which was my absolute miracle combination in 2017, however I eventually became immune to its effects, hence why I stopped. It apparently is possible to lose immunity to these kinds of medications though, so we're HOPING that'll be the case for me with the combo that literally saved my entire life.

What was the last thing you had done at the dentist? Hmmm... I feel like it was a normal cleaning?

Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? She is a BRILLIANT makeup artist.

What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? Brown.

Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? My mom did.

What are you listening to? I'm watching/listening to a Gab Smolders Dark Souls LP.

Do you like hickeys? I only mind them if they're in obvious spots that make them publicly awkward lol. Otherwise, I'm a biter so I can't say shit lmao

Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No, not anymore.

Do you have any summer plans yet? No.

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Oh boy, he's seen me full-on fall apart.

Are most of your friends guys or girls? The majority of my closest friends are actually nonbinary.

Who do you text the most? My mom.

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? I don't think so, but ESPECIALLY not if it's a very young baby. I am not meant to be a parent figure.

Do you miss your last sweetie? No. I sometimes miss how tight our friendship was, and how at home I felt around her in person, but do I miss our relationship? No. She took a toll on my self-worth; Sara made me feel very annoying on far too regular a basis.

Would you rather be anorexic or obese? Hey have you heard of going to fuck yourself?

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes, a woman I took pictures of once because she's the friend of a regular client I had.

What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Sangrias.

Do you play any games on your phone? Pokemon GO, DragonVale, and Amaru, if you count a self-care virtual pet.

Have you ever shaved your face? I use a mini razor tool on my upper lip and chin, where I'll have dark hair.

What was the last vaccination you got? Covid, when it was a newer thing.

Do you have a brother? Yeah, Bobby.

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? I can't imagine myself with a bird.

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. I don't think I'd be able to, I'm too emotional, I wouldn't be able to get words out.

When was the last time you saw your father? A week ago at my youngest niece's birthday party.

Any time when you need to search something on the Internet, which search engine do you use? Google.

Do you believe in saving your virginity for marriage or no? Marriage is literally a ceremony and that's it. Nothing important has truly changed, save your virginity for someone you love and feel safe with, otherwise who fuckin cares.

When you open your web browser, what is your home page set to? Why did you select this? Google. I think this laptop just came that way, and I've had no reason to change it.

[philosophicalkrow]

Back in my spring semester of sophomore year, when I was still going to North American Mental Health Services for therapy, I got asked one question: "Do you want to get better?"

It seems like an easy question, yes? "Of course I want to get better. Anything but this." Yet back then, this stumped me. Being in the worst slump that I had experienced, I didn't know if I was even going to live long enough to get better. I told him that I didn't know.

The way he explained healing to me was simple to understand. "Right now, you are at the bottom of the sea. It's not great in the slightest, but it's familiar. To go up will make your life better, but there's always a chance you'll sink back down. Do you want to go to the surface? Even with the risk of sinking back in?" Still stumped, I asked my English teacher the same thing the next morning. "Would you stay in a familiar place even though it hurts you?" He said no. We talked about my health after, until the bell rang to start class.

The rest of the year was chaotic. My former therapist referred me to the county for more intensive services, and I became worse during that gap of treatment. June was rough, but I started to heal during July. That is when I learned the one thing that no one told me, not my therapists, not my elders, not my peers. No one told me that Depression never leaves you.

The first day I noticed that I was feeling better was 6/18. I was laying down, and for once, my head was empty. And it was nice. No suicidal urges, no worthlessness, nothing. Little by little, things got better. I ate 3 meals, I felt good enough to brush my teeth and wash my face, I even felt fine going out, even if it was just a cousin's house. I thought that everything was getting better. I thought that it would be the start of a new chapter. I thought that finally, the Prozac and daily therapy was working. Yet I was wrong.

Reality quickly set in. Who was I, without my illness? For so long, I let it reign over my being, puppeteering my body for whatever it needed. Sleeping, cutting, crying, ruminating, rotting. I had no real life outside my mental illness. In those past two years, I was depression. That wasn't the only thing. As the rainy skies cleared from my life, light shone down on the reality of living. I thought that everyone would be happy 24/7, you'd have enough energy to do things all the time, life would be perfect. Yet I found myself still struggling to do things most people could do with ease. Assignments piled up, and burnout was all that was waiting for me under it all. I felt nothing most of the time, finding myself neutral rather than numb. I quickly learned that life was not all it was made up to be. Because why would I want to feel nothing? Better to feel something than this.

It all really came into culmination when summer break ended. I left as a horrible mess who's humanity could be put to question, only to come back as a hastily put together person. People who supported me were happy that I was doing better. Things felt different walking around campus, like the suffocating weight that once encapsulated my being left, the air around me just a little bit more accepting. Yet it still didn't feel right. I was normal. So why? Why did I feel so different? Was it the restrictions still placed on me for safety? The raised scars on my left arm? The concern teachers still had for me? I had no clue.

That was until one day. I was just innocently scrolling through TikTok until I stumbled across one post. "Trying to heal Pt. 5". It talked about how they weren't ok, even in early life. How they hated how they felt, but not being able to do anything. How they have all these horrible habits from their repetitive depressive past that cling to them, like seaweed that wraps around your leg. And something clicked. I will never truly be "cured". Depression will never not be a part of my life. Every single day, every single moment, I am still "depressed". Even if I feel better with meds, with therapy, with support, I will always be different. I will never be able to wash away the past.

So to Aaron, who told me that healing was merely swimming up from the deep end of the ocean, you were wrong. Even if I make it to the surface, the seaweed will still desperately cling around my ankles, and I will always be drenched in the sea water that once held me back. Even if I don't sink back to the bottom of the sea, it will always stick with me. Even if I reach the shore, I will still walk the earth, dripping with my past. Even if I get better, I will never be cured.

[how-to-get-over-a-relationship]

How To Get Over A Break-Up

When you call it quits with someone who you thought was your forever it can be challenging to move on especially if you were in the relationship for a long time. You know longer have that sense of security, you might feel lost, abandoned or heartbroken. This is where I come in. As someone who has gone through various breakups I want to give my best advice from what I have learned. Here are 5 ways to survive a breakup. 

Cry Now! 

If you're not crying after a breakup then you were either not in love or are pretending to be fine. Personally, I am the most dramatic person I've ever met so I take this as an opportunity to let everything out. Take a day off to let yourself release the sadness. One of the best things you can do for yourself is let yourself feel. Let yourself grieve the loss and be thankful for the good times. If something is worth crying over, that means it was good. It's okay to be sad.  remember the good times you had. If you are sad, be sad, it's okay to feel emotions. If you bottle it up you will never fully heal and it will break you more. Being honest and in touch with your emotions will help you grow. 

Keep routine. 

 Don't let this minor inconvenience in your life ruin your future. You have goals, remember that. Stay healthy and on track. Falling off the deep end after a breakup will just make you feel worse. Focus on your happiness and future, growing by yourself and staying consistent will make you instantly forget that you were even more than friends. 

Once you put yourself first you will find that others respect you more because you respect yourself and know your worth.You are better off finding happiness with yourself then trying to wrap your head around the fact that the relationship is over. They obviously couldn't see the greatness in you, so you may as well keep your head up after the heartbreak. Although, it is hard but if you let it destroy you, you 'll never see yourself as more. 

Go out. 

Never. Isolate yourself after a breakup. Ever. It's probably the worst thing you can do for yourself, your friends are your life savers during this time and going out with them will get your mind off of things and reassure you that you have other bonds with people who care about you. This also gives you an opportunity to meet new people. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone new when you're ready. 

One of my friends just got broken up with and she doesn't go out enough with the girls so we are taking her into Boston for a girls night out! I know that being around people that understand what I am going through makes me feel better especially when it's the people I love to be around the most. Having fun with your friends when you're sad can make you completely forget why you were sad in the first place. 

Cut off contact.

 You shouldn't be texting, calling, emailing, snapchatting, dming, or seeing the person you have broken up with. Don't be fooled and let them tell you twice they don't want you. DO NOT BE FRIENDS WITH THEM! I've learned the hard way that even with time and space, you can never go back to them. It will never be the same and it will just happen all over again. Don't even put your heart in that position.

 I tried being friends with someone I mutually had feelings for, in fact we almost dated. After we ended things we agreed to remain friends, unfortunately this wasn't the first time we had done this. We weren't friends, we would never be friends again. We fought all the time, got jealous of each other and found annoyance with every little thing that we did. Even cutting off contact for a bit didn't help. We had to be completely removed from each other's lives in order to move on. 

It's really hard considering we were in the same friend group but if even I can do it, so can you!

Don't jump into a new relationship

Yes, you should go out but don't fall too fast after a nasty break up. If you rush into things with unresolved heartache it makes you more vulnerable and easier to manipulate. You also aren't entirely yourself yet since you feel like a piece of you is gone. So wait until you are fully yourself and happy before even thinking about getting into a new relationship. 

Just remember Cry now, keep routine, go out, cut off contact, and don't jump into a new relationship. you've got this!

by: ava watson