#the research and dedication that went into making this series is <3

[saintslewis]

❝ 𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐆𝐘 ❞

𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄 — 𝐋𝐇𝟒𝟒

˖ ࣪⭑ pairing: sir lewis hamilton x fem!oc

˖ ࣪⭑ summary: it’s Nads’ first day on the paddock at the Miami Grand Prix!

˖ ࣪⭑ warnings: cussing, outfit descriptions, some seriously bad flirting, lots of name dropping

˖ ࣪⭑ wc: 6.7 k

˖ ࣪⭑ saint’s team radio: my babies, hi! i ain’t got no backstory, it’s just been tough to write lol. this chapter is my baby so i hope you all enjoy it 🥹. dedicating this to @httpsserene (twinnnnn) because she knows how much i back my man all the time lol. okay okay on with the story!

pls like, reblog and comment!!!

renaissance:the series • previous chapter

-

The sounds of the F1 cars and the noisy commentators went through Nadia's ears quite noisily. Fixing the position of her headphones, she held her phone horizontally as she watched through her husband's various wins throughout the years.

Her Tuesday was busy, well busily spent watching over previous races and anything related to the sport that Lewis was in. Nadia was determined to get onto the Miami paddock and not fuck up her first public appearance by not knowing anything about F1 and as much as she wanted to research a little bit more on Lewis, she decided against it, solely wanting him to tell her everything.

Her suitcases sat nicely next to her couch, the same couch that would be in her storage unit by the time she gets back from the states. Knowing that the weather that side would be ridiculously hot, she made sure to pack good outfits, enough to be Miami-approved along with all her good wigs.

It has been almost a week since she met Lewis' friends at his - their home and to think that she would be travelling the world with them so soon was not something she thought would happen. The next day, she spent it ogling at her screen on things to do in Miami. The rest of the weekend was dedicated to maintenance; wigs, nails, lashes, waxing with the occasional facetime sessions with Lewis just sharing all types of jokes to distract her from the prep.

Her phone rang in the middle of her binging Brazil 2021, showing a call from Natalia. "Hello?" Nadia answered.

"Nads, hey. I know we're literally going to be together tomorrow on the plane but i just wanted to check in to see if you're doing okay and if you're ready for Miami?" The ever so hyper girl asked excitedly.

"I've got my stuff ready and I think I'm clued up on the sport enough." Nadia's voice was clear yet soft, balancing her phone on the coffee table. "But are you wag ready?" Natalia asked, earning one of Nadia's infamous side eyes.

"Girl, what?"

"Nads, please don't tell me you don't know what that means." Natalia stressed as she ruffled around to sit up straight.

"Then you won't like my next answer." She smiled, standing up to go to the kitchen. "Oh my days, one of the most famous wags right now and she doesn't even know what it is." Natalia laughed, continuing with her explanation.

"So basically, it's a wife or girlfriend of an athlete. All you're gonna do when we get there is maybe make some friends with the other wags and just be his biggest supporter, even if it means we throwing hands." The girl laughed even louder, their laughter bounced off the walls.

"Now you're speaking. I think I'll be good as long as I have someone to guide me through it, y'know?" Nadia said, fidgeting with whatever is in front of her which in this case, was a fork.

For the umpteenth time in the last 3 weeks, Nadia was nervous about everything changing so quickly. This was her first public appearance as 'Mrs Hamilton' and knowing that she will have to face so many eyes on her was something she couldn't bear to think of.

"Here's my ting, Nads. You're not just the wife of any driver there, you're lawfully linked with the literal face of that sport. That man is beyond famous and keeping up with his life as his friend group is so exciting yet so fast paced so if you need anything, you got us. Genuine chats." Natalia smiled, watching her friend fiddle with the fork.

"I just need to keep up and plus Lew said if it gets too much, I can always just come back and chill at home which is something I will definitely do." Nadia said, picking up her phone.

"Exactly babes! Anyways, I'll pick you up later then we head to the airport together?" She offered. Nadia just nodded before posing in the kitchen. They wished each other their goodbyes and Nadia immediately got to work, sorting out her outfits for the third time.

-

The drive to the airport felt so surreal, the tiny droplets of rain sped down the car window as the music blared through Nadia's headphones. A sleeping Natalia layed across her lap, barely moving unless there was a slight bump on the road.

Preparing herself to go on a plane for the first time in 12 years , she breathed in and out and went very deep in her thoughts. The slight breeze of the air conditioner in the car raised hairs on her arms, definitely regretting putting her emergency hoodie in one of her suitcases and not in her carry on.

She had just decided to run on autopilot for the rest of the trip, every single thought of hers gnawing at her causing a headache to form. The feeling of constantly having eyes on her was overwhelming, every time she wants to run an errand or or go on with her maintenance day, she would always be stopped for a picture or even worse, have a camera following her around. She now understood why celebrities would always have their headphones on in public.

Heathrow Airport appeared in her vision, her hand immediately landing on Natalia's arm and shook her a bit so that she could wake up and prepare herself.

"We here yet?" The woman said, rubbing her eye and blinking quite quickly. All Nadia could do was nod and slightly smile at her friend who immediately felt Nadia's vibe. "Okay Nads, I don't know what your thoughts are chatting about but think about it like this: a cute little trip with new friends and experiencing new shit while looking good at the same time. I can feel your overthinking from here." Natalia said, cuddling into her friend.

"You know, you say some cute shit then you violate me after. Is this your thing?" Nadia chuckled as the driver drove towards the main entrance of the airport.

"Y'should hear the shit I say to Miles."

The process of getting checked in went incredibly smoothly, considering the girls met Tia when rolling their suitcases. It was all relatively easy as they were flying private, the jet waiting patiently for its passengers. The short drive in a different SUV to the jet had Nadia's stomach flutter as she took everything in. Stepping out the car to a very gloomy night sky, the crème white jet stood in all its glory and Nadia battled herself to not take pictures but she couldn't help it.

Nearing towards the steps with her carry-on, the flight attendants smiled with champagne flutes in their hands. "Welcome Miss Tia, Miss Natalia and Mrs Hamilton. I do hope you have a wonderful flight to Miami." One of the woman had greeted with a blinding smile.

Accepting the champagne although utterly creeped out, Nadia greeted everyone back and made her way into one of the most beautiful private jets she'd set her eyes on. Hermés blankets were placed on top of the seats, charcuterie boards were set and the night lights were on, referencing the stars in the night sky. Seeing how relaxed Tia and Natalia were, she took a deep breath and took a window seat.

Next to her were different types of chocolates and sweets, water bottles, sodas, spritzers along with champagne sat aesthetically all around her. Settling across from her, Tia whipped out her iPad and immediately got to work, hoping to talk to Nadia while she was still awake.

The two spoke on many different topics pertaining the marriage and Nadia's new found fame. "To summarise before we dive deep. I already opened up an Amex bank account for you because the money you'll make throughout all this is insane. You've got a lot of people to meet on Friday but I'll take you through everything on Thursday."

Nadia just listened to everything. "So while Lewis has a photoshoot tomorrow, we'll meet with your new team which by the way, have already prepared outfits for you for the coming weekends because i know you brought your own this week. Just remember, don't be too hard on yourself. I know it's a lot but you two can get through it. Oh, and you can finally open up your social media profiles." Tia smiled, closing the iPad with its cover and handing her a black card, mouthing that it already has money on it.

"Now we can sit back and relax for the rest of this 8 hour flight." Natalia said, eye mask already covering her eyes with a blanket enveloping her. The plane had already taken off during Tia speaking so she didn't have much to be nervous about in the moment.

-

MIAMI

Stepping off the jet steps, 4 bodyguards stood as Nadia's sight immediately went to the three large escalades, reminding her of how a president would be transported. Greeting everyone a very tired good morning, she spotted Lewis climbing out one of the cars along with Miles. A smile appeared on her face as she saw them, the nerves being pushed away at the sight of people she recognised.

"How was your flight, bruv? Got some coffee to wake you up." Lewis said with a smile, putting her suitcases in the car, his sweater sleeves lifted and showed his tattooed arms flexing as he lifted them.

She knew it was too early into the friendship to be having such thoughts but she couldn't help but feel some way about him as she watched him and he glowed in the morning sun, laughing at a joke Miles had said. Not to mention how her heart fluttered knowing he got her coffee although he himself doesn't like the hot drink.

"Nads?" He called to her, seeing her in a dazed state but quickly snap back to it. "It was great, Tia distracted me from the flight takin' off so that's a plus. Had one too many croissants and before I forget, I got us something that I hope you'll like." She said, climbing into the open car door and put her tote bag next to her.

On the way to the hotel, the two played some Raye while making jokes and talking about the rest of the weekend, assuring Nadia that if she wasn't comfortable going to all these events that she could stay back at the hotel. All she knew was that she was definitely going to watch him play some basketball the next day.

"And the pants are pink? Like your trousers are hot pink?" She asked the man as they drove through Miami, oblivious to the copious amounts of billboards with his face on it be it about Formula 1 or IWC, the watch brand that he was ambassador for. "And I was told to show you my outfits for the whole weekend for your first well, second public appearance." He said, sitting comfortably on his seat, playing around with his phone but not using it.

"That's very kind of whoever told you that. Before I regret my gift, do you wear grills? Or tooth jewellery in general?" Nads asked, unconsciously holding onto her tote bag.

"Are you about to say what i think you're about to say?" Lewis asked, turning his whole body towards her. "Do you know how hard it was having to describe your teeth to the person who made them? Anyways, I thought we could wear the grills the same day as like a statement, y'know?" She said, taking out two cases with the same branding.

"That's a great idea, I truly love it and these grills, man. Might build a mini collection." Lewis sounded impressed, bringing the jewellery closer to really look at it then looked at Nadia with a feeling that he was struggling to decipher but he get genuine appreciation towards her.

"Thank you pookie bear for these, i'll cherish it forever." He smiled, his eye wrinkles prominent.

"Oh my days, you said it." She covered her mouth with both hands, the ring shining as the rays of the morning sun hit it.

"What? Pookie bear?"

"Yeah, you barely say it! Oh my days, say it again so i can record it." Nadia said, bringing her phone out, making Lewis laugh so hard as they drove to the hotel.

-

Thursday afternoon could not come fast enough with Nadia standing in the large hotel bathroom, scratching her bald cap as she stared at the two wigs in front of her. The one was a light pink, wanting to support Lewis in pink and the other was black, very neutral but was quite long.

Her outfit was laid out on the bed, consisting of a denim mini skirt with pink low cut nikes, her reflective diesel bag that she received the night before and a dark gray tee with Baby Lewis on it. For Nadia, this outfit was quite simple as she liked to branch her style out, no matter how bold it might be.

The memories of the night before started to flow through, smiling by herself. When the crew had come back from dinner in the ever so luxurious hotel restaurant, she came back to all types of gifts on her bed, a note from Lewis reading 'for your first grand prix' with a heart next to it.

New Van Cleef and Arpels bracelets as she jokingly requested, the Diesel bag she would be sporting at the IWC event, two Dior saddles bags and two new pairs of sneakers that she had yet to open. The tears that were in her eyes dropped down her face as she opened her gifts, texting a sleeping Lewis a selfie with all her presents.

"Okay girl, let's do the black wig because the shoes and bag are already pink." Nadia decided, her voice echoing as she spoke to herself in the spacious bathroom. Putting some music on, she continued getting ready whilst waiting for Lewis to pick her up as he's coming from the track.

As if someone heard her thoughts, she heard a knock on the door followed with the wood creaking beside it and she instantly knew it was Lewis. Opening the door with a smile on her face, she saw him with the same beaming smile as she displayed. It looked as if he already changed his outfit from this morning, keeping up with his activities on social media.

"Well good afternoon sir." Nadia greeted as she walked back into the room to grab her handbag, phone and sunglasses, walking out as soon as she got everything with her.

Now, Lewis was someone who would subtly blush at the slightest compliment he would receive or whenever anyone mentioned that they liked his outfit, he would be grateful then brush it off with one of his smiles. However, hearing his assigned title come from the lips of his wife - new friend and not to mention her wearing his t shirt, made his chest warm. Same feeling he got whenever he would gift her anything and just see her smile.

There are just friends who just so happen to be married.

"Hi Nads. I'm loving the shirt by the way." He complimented, watching her lock up her room and place the key card in her bag. "Oh thanks, some guy i'm married to gave it to me. Do you think this kid is a legend now?" Nadia joked as they both walked to the elevator, relieved to have no one inside.

"I heard he's this really cool driver. Also props to that random dude who gave you the tee, super stylish and amazing." Lewis spoke as he leaned on the railing of the elevator.

"Okay not too much now." Nadia scoffed, followed up with a giggle.

Upon arriving at the place, it was truly crowded with fans and many camera crews all facing an incredibly large billboard with Lewis' face on it, his arm showing off the expensive watch. Majority of those involved in the event were wearing pink and many of the fans standing outside had a mixture of colours, including neon yellow and purple.

As their Escalade rolled up to the main entrance of the event, the cheers were heard from all around the car. Playing with her hair nervously, Lewis watched as he was getting ready to get out the car. "D'you mind if I hold your hand? Just noticed you were nervous." He voiced, seeing her snap out of her mind.

Looking down at his large open hand, Nadia didn't think twice about grabbing onto it and holding it tightly. As he stepped out of the car, the screams became louder as he waved to everyone with his other hand whilst Nadia scooched out with the car step helping her. As if the screams and cheers couldn't get any louder, her foot touched the ground and people were shouting out all types of things.

Although Nadia was nervous, she felt Lewis squeeze her hand and prompt her to look at him, his eyes more comforting than anything. Shooting a quick smile and wink at him, she went back to greeting everyone clawing for attention. He stood for a moment, in awe of her instant switch from what he saw in the car. Remembering where he was, he too snapped up and walked towards fans to sign stuff.

About an hour into the event, Nadia sat and cheered underneath the VIP section of it all. Starstruck event workers stood close to her, offering anything she would want from the stalls all around. With a pink lemonade in her hand, she watched Lewis play basketball with the widest smile on his face as he dribbled the ball and put the ball through the next.

To get better sight of her hunk of a husband, she sat closer to the kids who too watched in awe of everything and it isn't hard to believe that she began playing some hand games with them while workers were busy. While Lewis stood to the side of the game, he watched as Nadia interacted with the kids sitting on chairs clearly made for children but it was the pure joy she radiated that struck him the most.

Digging his phone out of one of his many pockets on his hot pink pants, he snapped a few photos of her surrounded with kids and he was very sure that the many camera crews also captured the adorable moment. Looking up, Nadia locked eyes with Lewis from across the court, waving excitedly which prompted the kids to wave as well.

After a while, Lewis was asked to do an interview and one of the questions were where else he would like to race and to get a reaction out, he uttered the words "I would like to race in South Africa, my wife's home country and definitely because it would be an amazing track." Little did he know that that clip would send the internet into a frenzy.

-

SATURDAY

Ultimately deciding to show face in the paddock on Qualifying Day and definitely ruining Tia's master plan, Nadia placed her earrings on before taking pictures of herself in the mirror for her to post later on in the day.

Fixing her top a little, she held onto it while looking for the small case that held her grillz and finding them on the nightstand, securely placing them on her teeth. She quickly switched her heels for sneakers knowing that she would be walking around the whole day.

Her mood was all over the place from the moment she woke up. She knew going into another deep dive was going to affect how she would be with everyone she was supposed to meet but she did so in the late evening after the day she had. She hadn't fully memorised names but she could identify them in an instant if anyone were to show pictures of F1 drivers.

Natalia, Miles, Charlotte and Spinz had already left earlier on, leaving Nadia and Lewis to get to the track together as planned. The knock resonated through the door, signaling that Lewis was here to pick her up. Grabbing everything she needed including the paddock passes, she got to the door with a slight scowl on her face.

"Woah, you're blonde now." Lewis pointed out, leaning against the doorframe with his hands in his pants pockets. His red sunglasses matched the parts of red on his Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirt with his blue sneakers matching the blue parts. He flashed his smile, showing off his grillz.

"That FIA president better watch his mouth when it comes to you, talking some bullshit so early in the morning." She warned, locking the door with her key card once more and she placed her all black sunglasses on.

"Nads, wait. What's going on?" Lewis stood there. "Went on a deep dive last night and developed a deep resentment towards the higher ups of the sport." She said, shrugging her shoulders then leading the way towards the elevator.

As confused as he was, Lewis walked quick to catch up with her as she walked closer and closer to the elevator.

"And before you say anything peace instilling, I'm not going to beat anybody up...yet." Nadia said, crossing her arms as she stood next to Lewis in the large metal box. "..You look really nice today." Lewis chose his words carefully, not used to seeing her in this mood.

"So do you, very chilled out. Well, until you smile then you'll send those geezers into a heart attack." She snickered, showing the matching grillz. "I think they'll be fine. They saw a glimpse of my stomach yesterday and told me I looked like Magic Mike." He said, laughing at the ridiculous comments he heard yesterday.

"Not them comparing you to an unsexy white man?" She jokingly said, with them falling into a fit of giggles. "I know this is going to sound out of pocket but did you know that your arms look very bite-able? Like I could just take a munch out of them."

"Nadia, what the fuck?"

-

It was evidently clear that this was a huge weekend for Miami, thousands of fans walking the streets in merchandise from their favourite teams or drivers.

The motorcade they were riding in could be compared to being presidential, people cheering whenever it drove by and getting out of windows to cheer at the red lights. Reaching the Hard Rock stadium, it shocked Nadia to see how many people were in attendance with probably thousands more already welcomed in. With the touch of a button, Lewis' window went down as he greeted everyone with a wave and a smile, gaining a positive reaction from everyone.

Eventually slowing down within the private parking, the pretend couple climbed out the car with Lewis opening the car door for Nadia. Waving to the crowd with him made Nadia feel slightly overwhelmed, noticing how the crowd grew even more when he appeared.

Leaning down a little to whisper into her ear, "You can be with me for now then we can walk in together." Lewis' breath tickling her ear, fighting a shy smile towards the man. Walking with him to his supporters or literally anyone who shoved anything in his direction, Nadia took out her phone to capture this moment and how loved he truly was.

A few fans were signaling to her to sign some stuff and for pictures, surprising her at the excitement of the fans. Leaning over to sign stuff, she received a few friendship bracelets, a few gifts that she handed over to security and some many compliments that her cheeks were starting to hurt.

"Bye everyone!" She exclaimed, signaled to finish up and head into the paddock. The crowd responded and she felt a large hand intertwine with hers, relieved to see that it was Lewis'. Cameras had begun to follow them, her hand squeezing his in nervousness. Reaching the official entrance of the paddock, he stepped back to let her sign in first then he did afterwards.

Flipping her blonde hair and fixing her sunglasses, their hands intertwined once again as they began to walk down the incredibly long pathway. All types of media was running around them like headless chickens, hurling questions their way but all the two did was smile and greet everyone who greeted them.

The power that resonated through the pretend couple as they walked towards the Mercedes hospitality inside the stadium, everyone could feel it. The pure confidence and kindness they showed on the short walk was enough to keep the world talking for a few weeks, grillz shining as they grinned and Lewis fist bumped people as he usually did.

Once reaching Mercedes, Nadia and Lewis weren't aware of the small crowd that had gathered behind them as they walked, everyone intrigued with the sight of Nadia next to the 7x World champion of the sport. "Lewis! Nadia, hello!" A short woman with a blonde bob enthusiastically said, standing up from one of the chairs inside the building.

"Susie! How's it going?" Lewis said, hugging the woman. "I am doing quite well," Susie said. "Who is this beautiful woman?" She asked, setting her eyes on a nervous looking Nadia.

"Hello, I'm Nadia. It's such a pleasure to meet you, Lewis told me about you." She smiled, stretching her arm out for a handshake that Susie happily accepted. "Oh my, likewise. I will have to steal you away from him now as he has to get ready for quali. Toto has meet you as well." Susie said.

"I do have to go unfortunately so I'll see you later in the garage?" Lewis asked, placing his hand on her waist whilst looking into her eyes. "Yup, have fun bruv." Nadia winked then placed a kiss on his cheek, the lipgloss leaving a residue on his cheek that he didn't dare to wipe off.

He winked back (dismally), then left the two ladies, greeting everyone in his way before walking off with Rosa, his Mercedes media personnel.

As Susie and Nadia had the cutest bonding time, including a very giddy Toto Wolff who was excited to see Lewis' wife to make sure that he wasn't seeing things. Nadia walked out of the hospitality with a chocolate bar in her hand, trying to remember the directions Susie had given her to the Paddock club.

Having no clue where she was going, she approached a woman who looked quite kind, donning the same passes as she was across her chest. "Hi there!" Nadia greeted as she stopped in front of the woman who's eyes went wide at the sight of Nadia in front of her.

"Holy shit, you're her." The woman blurted out as she then proceeded to slap her hand on her mouth afterwards. Nadia giggled at the woman's reaction, watching her as she swallowed whatever was in her mouth. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You're just so pretty in real life. I'm Lily." She rambled out.

"Hey Lily, I'm Nadia," the older woman tilted her head a bit and maintained eye contact. "Don't know if you're busy right now but do you mind showing me to the paddock club? Thank you for the compliment, so are you!" She spoke, seeing Lily lose her breath a little when making direct eye contact.

"Oh! Of course, that's where I'm headed right now. You can join me in my walk there, it's not too far." Lily offered, to which Nadia just nodded and the two conversed all the way.

Once reaching the overly luxurious and crowded space, Lily guided Nadia towards a private section of the already exclusive space. Greeting those who waved at her as they walked by, she spotted a group of younger looking women who were eagerly looking around until their eyes landed on Lily and Nadia, smiles growing larger with them all standing up in excitement.

Deciding to greet the group first, she held her arms out and they fell into a huge group hug. Nadia felt surprisingly safe and definitely knew that these were the wags that Natalia was speaking about a few days before.

"Super sorry for the ambush, once we saw you enter the paddock we've been excited." The calm brunette woman grinned. "I'm Carmen, I'm with George." She tucked her hair behind her ear, her aura very classy.

George Russell, Lewis' teammate.

"I'm Kika! Francisca but I prefer Kika." The tall girl introduced herself, resembling a deer. Her eyes large with a beaming smile. "I'm with Pierre."

Pierre Gasly, apart of that one pink team. French guy.

"I'm Alexandra, so nice to meet you." The last girl introduced herself, voice very soft but visibly excited. She looked like she would be with someone from Ferrari. "I'm with Charles." She beams, Nadia's guess being correct.

"Well hi everyone, I'm Nadia." She said, opting for all the girls to sit. Kika gasped before she sat down, "oh my goodness, I just realised that you look like Tinker Bell."

The other girls looked at Nadia properly and agreeing with Kika, giggles floating around.

A lengthy conversation from fashion to careers to food, the group of women were interrupted by a Mercedes employee, asking for both Carmen and Nadia in the garage. Grabbing each other's hands, the two women greeted their friends goodbye as they walked out of the Paddock club.

The Mercedes garage was everything that Nadia imagined it to be, people wizzing in and out of there with both cars proudly displayed as the crowd gathered to take pictures of each car or simply wanting a picture in front of the driver's garages.

Spotting her husband's braids over everyone in front of him, she carefully walked over to him, not wanting to trip over anything. Locking eyes with each other, Lewis quickly put his airpods back into their case and stuck his hand out for her to hold onto. Manoeuvring his arm around her shoulder whilst holding her hand, Lewis held Nadia closer to him. Avoiding the cameras and the watching eyes everywhere.

"So? How was it? Heard you are quite the star today." Lewis teased. Glancing up at the man through her lashes, she smiled and bounced on her feet a little. "Everyone is so nice. I met the other girlfriends and bruv, you should've seen them. It was like I was holding the universe in my hands." She joked, earning a nod and a smile.

"Do you think you have one more introduction left in you? I have someone I'd like you to meet." He said, looking forward then at her, his sunglasses sitting on his forehead. Turning her head in the direction he just looked, she spotted someone familiar and as they walked closer, she recognised the tall figure and her stomach dropped.

"Lewis, hey man! What's good?" Pharrell Williams greeted her husband with a handshake then hug, letting go of Nadia's body for a brief period of time. Nadia couldn't believe the sight in front of her, her idol was chatting it up with her husband.

"And i want you to meet my wife, Nadia. My guardian angel through all this shit." Lewis beamed at her, holding her closer once again to bring her towards Pharrell. "Ah, it's a such an honour to meet you." The man exclaimed, his grillz shining as well. "He's said so many good things about you after the reveal, I was genuinely shocked that you two could keep a secret like this." Pharrell snickered.

Processing the fact that Lewis had spoken about her to her idol and that said idol mentioned that it was an honour, all she could really do was smile and nod. "Well, I'm glad we're finally out now." Nervously chuckling, Nadia tucked her hair behind her ear.

With a light conversation and a few pictures, Pharrell ended off with words that Nadia couldn't believe she just heard. "I hope to see you two in Paris, remember front row and I'll be sure to send some stuff from LV." The older man remarked, slowly walking away as it was almost time for Quali to begin.

Nadia sat with large headphones on her head, Bono's voice occasionally chiming in to Lewis. The screen in front of her showed all the cars racing on track, starting off quite smoothly in Q1. Whenever the camera would pan to her during a pit stop, she would smile or wink, quite literally the only actions she's been able to do this whole weekend.

-

RACE DAY.

As if it was clockwork, she sat in the same chair with her hands balled up in front of her mouth and her eyebrows furrowed as she watched Car 44 whiz around the track.

Being behind the scenes the day before had truly helped her understand the dynamics of the sport, Nadia's eyes snapping between watching the car drive and the current position he was in. P4 and there were only a few laps left of the race. Miles and Natalia were seated next to her, stressing just as much as Nadia did.

The atmosphere in the garage was tense, only audible sounds being heard in Nadia's ears were the car's engine and occasional groans or cheers from the crowd outside. Feeling all her senses show in anticipation, her clothes felt tighter than they actually were and her hands were shaking as she watched her husband turn the car into the specific corner that has been an issue the whole race.

As the last 2 laps went on, she stood up abruptly as anxiety seeped through her body. Nadia knew it was going to be a good position but seeing Lewis come alive in the final laps could put him anywhere. His car swiftly overtook Alonso’s, the finish line just a few metres away from him and Natalia stood next to her as they all watched Lewis finish the race.

P2.

The cheer that erupted from her was genuine, a few people celebrating all around them with the pit crew giving each other hugs.

“Nadia! Let’s go to the podium!” Rosa exclaimed, a giant smile on her face as she held her hand out. Looking back at Natalia and Miles, they both urged to go. With a grill filled smile on her face, she waved to whichever camera was on her and ran out excitedly with Rosa to where most of the Mercedes team where going to be along with media.

Upon getting to the infamous barrier as they waited for all three winning cars to arrive in parc ferme, Nadia held her head as she expressed her excitement to the woman. Members of the media could see that Nadia was making her way there, her own little paparazzi forming with many questions being asked but Rosa managed to guide her to the very front.

Lewis climbed out of the car, the neon and purple helmet sitting pretty as he walked towards the team doing a little dance on the way. Spotting Nadia first, his grin widened with his eyes closing a bit as he approached her. Once in front of her, Nadia threw arms around him and kissed his open visor, a brown and glossy residue sticking on there. Their eyes locked once and it was such an intimate yet soft moment between the two.

Her eyes filled with pride and happiness and his filled with gratitude for the woman in front of him, a special bond building right in front of the world. Planting the forehead of his helmet with her head, they scrunched their noses as they maintained eye contact with each other, not even realising that they were holding hands.

The moment was shortly interrupted by the noise of fans and the Mercedes team screaming in joy as he moved on to celebrate with them before hurrying to take his weight and get ready to go to the break down room before stepping onto the podium.

Minutes later, the drivers reappeared onto the podium, each one waving at their respective teams along with the crowd. As the English national anthem began, Nadia’s eyes went to the figure of her smiling husband, hands tucked behind him. Looking at the man and not the obscene amount of cameras on her at that moment, Nadia had to remind herself that all this was to benefit their parents’ feelings and to simply help Lewis.

This wasn’t real.

The trophies were being handed to the drivers, Lewis immediately lifting his and pointing to his team then Nadia, winking at her before waving to the screaming crowd. Watching him in his element was never going to get old , that was for sure and thinking about how all this could end one day made her stomach drop, her facade still showing the proud smile as she watched him leave the podium.

At least two hours later, Nadia, Miles and Natalia sat on one of the benches outside the Mercedes hospitality with their ice cold waters in front of them. The two teased Nadia to no end about her meeting Pharrell and how most of the interaction was caught on video by fans, posting on twitter.

“Listen, when you’re a stylist and you see your fav fashion person in real life, you’d scream too.” Nadia laughed as she hid her face in her hands.

“Just saying Nads, the shocked look you gave him when he was about to walk up to you lot was so cute. Gonna get that shit printed.” Natalia joked, earning an eye roll from Nadia.

“Aye! There’s the man of the hour!” Miles exclaimed, watching Lewis walk up to the building with Rosa right next to him, the Mercedes shirt flowing in the light breeze.

Giving his friends their own handshakes, he sat next to Nadia and gave her a fist bump, the two of them giggling right after that. “There’s no way you just fist bumped her?” Miles said, pointing at his friend then Nadia.

“It’s our thing, don’t worry about it bro.” Lewis said , a mischievous smile on his face. “So how was your first race, bruv? Susie said you should try be a team principal.” He asked, turning his body to face her once again.

“My days, Lew! That shit got me on my toes. The numbers took a while to understand but I eventually got it. Also which ones Leclerc?” Nadia asked, looking at the others.

“That one’s Charles. He’s a good one.” Natalia responded.

“Oh okay, he’s cool in my books. Those two red bulls got on my fucking nerves though. Driving like maniacs and that other one almost pushing you off the track?” In all fairness, Nadia was fuming at the thought of it. It was one of the moments that constantly replayed in her mind.

“Oh Perez. They’re okay, just glad I was able to get on podium.” Lewis shrugged his shoulders as he relaxed his arms onto the table. “There are no cameras here, bruv. I don’t fucking like them or that fuck ass team with their team principal. A bunch of pricks.” Nadia cussed, her friends watching her and giggling at her reaction.

“That’s how we feel as well but mr nice guy doesn’t think so. Welcome to the club, babe.” Natalia reached out her hand to Nadia’s. Accepting it, she breathed out and looked at Lewis once again who gave her a little smile.

“Tell those guys to get their shit together or else I’ll deal with them myself. Anyways, your drive was amazing today.” She smiled as if she wasn’t pissed two seconds ago.

“Y’know what, Nads? I totally get it.” Miles said, fist bumping her, adding a little gimmick after it.

“Anyone want ice cream?” Lewis proposed, watching his friends and their interaction, his attention on Nadia and how passionate she felt about the race. His eyes stuck on her the more she spoke about her weekend, her lip gloss from earlier still shining with their interaction at parc ferme replaying in his mind.

nadiahamilton • 14 min. “Miami, you’ve been good!”

taglist: @non-stop-imagines @folkloresthings @tispys-blog @userlando @lorarri @thisismeracing @thatsdemko @myescapefromthislife @slytherinjimin3nthusiast @jamie2305 @like-fire-love-blog @sugardontbesweet @simpfortoomanymen @mauvecherie-writes @queenshikongo3 @eugene-emt-roe @deepgothfiremuffin @18754389 @cherry2stems @anubisnoir @littlelizzies-world @httpsserene @apenasumlug4r @youre-sooooo-funny @eddiesbitch83 @arshiyuh @alika-4466 @peyiswriting @sunfairyy @roseseraj @vsfavs @goldenalbon @mistruscity @tian-monique @hopefulromantic1 (i admire your work sm!)

(if your acc is blank, that mean tumblr couldn’t find you!)

dividers by: @cafekitsune

nadia’s fc: @/unclewaffles on ig!

all pictures are from ig and pinterest!

[tightjeansjavi]

Slow Hands | Chapter 3 “trust me to trust you”

A/N: I sat on this story for awhile as I’m already figuring out how I want to develop the plot. I can tell this is going to turn into another passion project for me as I love the idea of post!outbreak domestic Joel and finding love in his late age. This chapter you get a little glimpse into what outbreak day was like for Beanie. Please remember that the nature of this fic will have dark themes. I will mark the warnings appropriately, but please read with caution. 🖤

~word count: 5.2k~

Pairing | Joel Miller x f! Reader

Summary: early winter mornings, fear of the past, a felt fawn, and Maria’s egg casserole.

Warnings: Canon-typical violence from outbreak day, mentions of loss, carnage, brink of death, depictions of a knife wound, PTSD, panic attacks, trigger responses, mentions of a firearm, I am no expert on the subject but I have done some research as I know it’s a delicate topic, angst, Joel is struggling to adjust to living a domestic life, anxiety, feeling like an outcast, grumpy old man! Joel, shy! Joel, kinda mean! Joel, sunshine reader, flirting, fluff, awkward situations, reminiscing on the past, reader has no physical descriptions and is from Texas, reader has a nickname (beanie bc y’know coffee beans) no age gap, vulgar language, slow burn, this is a fic that takes place post-outbreak so please keep in mind that there will be dark/triggering themes, but to also remember that it is not the main plot line for the story. Please read with caution. (+18) minors dni!

main masterlist series masterlist playlist

It had been over 20 years since outbreak day, when your world and life as you once knew it, turned to flames and ash before the frightened whites of your eyes. Your coffee shop, Cuppa Smiles, was your little slice of heaven. You had put so much love, dedication, and passion into your establishment. Your coworkers were friends from college that were just looking for a change of pace from their 9-5’s just like the next person.

They all tried to kill you, whatever they were now. It had happened all so fast, and even now on the quietest of nights, you could still hear their snarls and animalistic growls. You could still remember the frightened screams, the chaos and destruction as a Boeing 747 collided into the earth and burst into flames, debris falling from the explosion, hitting those who were fleeing, and those who were no longer living. You remember tumbling along the concrete, rolling like a sack of potatoes as you struggled to breathe. To your direct left was a truck flipped over on its side.

Through the harsh ringing in your ears, you could make out two male voices on the other side of the truck. The one man was holding a young girl to his chest who couldn’t be more than 12-13 years old.

“I’m sorry, baby, I know, I know.” The man’s tone was urgent, rushed and laced with fear as he held his daughter close.

“We gotta get off the street!” The other man shouted desperately.

“Tommy!”

“Head to the river! I’ll find a way. Get her outta here, Joel! Go!”

Joel.

Joel.

Joel..Miller?

The last time you saw Joel Miller, all you could remember was the fear in his eyes, before everything around you went black.

When Tommy and Maria Miller discovered you on the outskirts of Jackson, looking like you were all skin and bones as you slipped off your horse's saddle and into the cool dirt. Your body was exhausted, your resources were spent and now you just hoped that you would die peacefully. That was until a strong pair of arms were gently lifting you from the dirt as your body laid like a limp fish.

“D’ya think she’s still breathin?’” Tommy asked his wife as she was quickly checking your pulse.

“Barely. She must have been riding for days out in this heat.”

“She showin’ any signs of bein’ infected?” Tommy knew the protocol of bringing in stragglers from outside Jackson, and if you were found to be infected..

Maria made quick work to check your body for any signs of a bite mark. She took sudden interest in a large bloodstain through the tattered fabric of your shirt. She gently lifted the fabric from the hem to discover a gruesome sight. What appeared to be done by the work of a sharp blade was a long semi deep, gnarly gash carving from your abdomen, up your torso, curving under your left breast and wrapped around your ribcage to your left shoulder blade.

“Fuckin’ hell. Someone tried to carve her up?” Tommy asked in disbelief as his wife gently pulled the hem of your shirt back down.

“Raiders, no doubt. She’s not infected. I can’t find any bite marks, but one thing’s for certain though, this woman has been through some hell.”

It was well over an hour till sunrise when Joel Miller lumbered out of his home, shovel in hand and bundled up fiercely in multiple thick layers to protect his skin from the harsh biting cold. His plan was simple, head over to your house down the street, shovel your walkway, and ask you to accompany him to breakfast. It really was quite simple, but despite that he was running a script over in his mind on exactly what he wanted to say to you.

Hey Beanie, was wonderin’ if you’d like to accompany me to breakfast?

Wait..what if she declines? Then what are you gonna say?

Uhh..

Oh, well that’s alright! Maybe another time? No pressure or nothin.’

What if..she thinks it’s strange that you’re shoveling her walkway at the crack ass of dawn?

Jus’ doin’ my neighborly duty. Besides, it’s jus’ a friendly favor, y’know cause we’re friends?

I sound like an idiot.

Maybe I should just..start off with saying good morning?

I’m hopeless.

Joel grumbled to himself as he trudged through the snow. The whipping wind bit at his exposed skin but he welcomed the chill without a complaint. The harsh elements were just another reminder that he was still alive and breathing.

The outside of your home was just as he expected it to be, quaint, yet quirky. He imagined that in the summer months your front porch would be scattered with flowers and plants. The mailbox just outside your gate was crooked and could definitely use a fresh coat of paint, and the wooden gate was a little creaky, but nothing he couldn’t easily fix. He was already making a little mental note of everything he wanted to fix on, and around your home.

The snow was a few inches deep, it stopped just below the top of his boots. His back already screamed a dull pain up his spine as he bent down with the shovel and got to work. The pain he felt in his muscles was just another reminder that he was still alive.

He gritted his teeth together, jaw clenched as he worked through the first section of your covered walkway.

You never considered yourself to be a heavy sleeper even before the apocalypse. A door slamming, or pots clinking in the kitchen sink at your long since abandoned apartment was all it took to stir you from your slumber. Now, even in the safety of Jackson, your brain was always ticking. What could be lurking behind that dark shadow across the street? Realistically, nothing. It’s just your brain playing a dirty trick on you. A branch outside your window snaps, it’s just the wind. It’s just the wind because it’s storming out, and a strong wind can break even the sturdiest of branches. That noise you heard in the dead of the night? It was just an animal. Maybe a raccoon or a screech from a barn owl. It wasn’t a clicker. You were safe, so why couldn’t your brain just..turn off? Why was it still stuck in this survival mode when nothing inside Jackson’s strong walls could hurt you.

This sound in particular was different. It was unfamiliar, and unfamiliar meant danger. Scraping, grunts, more scraping; man. The hairs on the back of your neck were standing up as you shot out of bed like a bat out of hell. You kept your shotgun next to your bed because well..you could never be too careful. You never had a reason to use it, but it brought you some form of comfort that you didn’t realize you so desperately needed until Tommy experienced your triggers firsthand when he had accidentally snuck up on you while your back was turned to him behind the counter of your shop. The last time he had seen fear struck that deep inside one person, was the night Sarah died in Joel’s arms. So, Tommy lended you a shotgun as an apology.

He’s out there. He’s trying to get me. I have to run. I have to hide. He’s found me and he—he’s going to take me away.

Your brain was screaming at you as you crept down the steps. Every step you took you feared would be your last. It had been sometime since you experienced an episode as severe as this one. Other times you were able to talk yourself back down to logic. Sometimes you’d resort to unbridled violence, usually on a sack of sugar. This time, you felt as if you had no control over your body's current state. It was as if you were reliving—

Joel had his bad ear facing towards your front door. Between the pain in his back, and the scraping of the metal shovel along the concrete, he wasn’t able to detect the front door creaking open.

His back was facing you as you shakily pointed the barrel of your gun at what you thought was an intruder. Due to the low light from the sun barely peeking over the mountains, all you saw was a darkened figure bent over in the middle of your walkway. Had it been brighter out, perhaps you would have recognized the lone figure to be Joel.

Your ears were ringing loudly as the inner voice inside of your brain was demanding you to shoot. Shoot him and then run, and never look back. Your breath grew shallow as the figure slowly turned around to start on the next snow patch..and then immediately froze.

Joel dropped the shovel with a heavy clank as he slowly raised his hands above his head to show you that he was no immediate threat to your safety. “Beanie? Hey, it’s alright darlin’ it’s just me.”

He’s lying

Your entire body was trembling at the top of the steps as Joel hesitantly took a few steps forward. “Darlin?’” I’m gonna need you to lower the gun now, okay? You’re safe. It’s just me. Nothin’ out here is goin’ to hurt you.” He spoke softly, yet firmly. He kept his hands where you could see them in direct view. He was close enough now that even in the low light, he could see the frightened whites of your eyes as you stood there, unblinking.

“I’m goin’ to take another step towards you, okay? Please don’t shoot me.”

Don’t trust him. He’s one of them. He’s here to hurt you. He’s playing a trick on you.

“Joel?” You stuttered shakily as you finally found your voice.

His heart sunk deep into the pit of his stomach when he picked up on just how terrified you were. He knew it wasn’t directly because of him. Something had happened to you, he knew the look on your face all too well, and it was a good thing he knew how to act calm in a dire situation such as this one.

“Yes, it’s Joel. It’s just me darlin.’” He responded as he took another step towards the foot of the steps leading up to your front porch.

“D—don’t come any closer, please.” You uttered just barely above a whisper as you kept the barrel of your gun trained on him.

“Okay. I won’t come any closer, but I need you to trust me to trust you. Do you understand what I’m saying to you Beanie?” He was careful with his choice of words. Anything too sudden might end up with him potentially getting a bullet to the arm or thigh. Not the chest, please. He silently thought to himself.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I trust you to not shoot me, so I need you to trust me to approach you. Okay? We can do this in baby steps. I just really need you to lower the gun, okay?” His eyes locked on yours as he gave you a reassuring nod.

You blinked a few times as your hands shakily lowered the barrel of the shotgun to the floorboards. Something in you suddenly clicked as the realization of what you had just done, more-so almost done, hit you like a freight train and suddenly you were crumbling right before his eyes.

He let out a visible sigh of relief when your gun was no longer aimed at him, but as soon as your body crumbled to the ground, he jumped into action. His gloved hands were gently wrapped around your shoulders as he spoke softly, yet urgently to you. “Beanie? Hey, you’re alright. You’re alright. I’m right here. You’re safe. You’re safe.” He felt like in those crucial moments it was necessary that he repeat himself just in case you didn’t hear him the first time.

Your eyes were frantically searching his own, pupils dilating under the low light that the early winter morning sky had to offer. He was holding your shoulders so delicately, as if you were fine bone china that would shatter just upon glancing at it. He could feel your muscles trembling under his loose grip. He could feel a hint of anger bubbling in the deep pit of his stomach. The same anger he experienced when he found Ellie— “d’ya..wanna take some deep breaths with me maybe? Or we could count? Sometimes I try’n pick a spot on the wall or somethin’ or count the steps it takes me to get from point A to point B. S’not the best method, but it helps bring me back down to earth.” His tone was so soft, sincere and genuine. If you weren’t such an emotional fucked up wreck, your heart would be melting into a puddle by now.

“Joel..I’m so sorry I-I—didn’t know it was you. I thought you—I thought..” You struggled to articulate a cohesive sentence as his espresso brown eyes bore into yours. He gave you a reassuring nod, and a gentle squeeze along your shoulders.

“Hey, it’s alright. I know you weren’t g’nna shoot me. You were just frightened. Your mind was probably playin’ some trick on you.” He murmured as his thumb was gently stroking back and forth across the fabric of your pajamas on your shoulders. “Y’sure you don’t wanna count?”

“Does..it actually help?” You whispered timidly.

“Sometimes..all depends on what it is that’s triggerin’ me.” He softly responded

“Can you start..please?”

“Course I can darlin.’ We’ll start at Ten.”

“Nine.”

“Eight.”

“Seven..”

“Six.”

“Five..”

“Four.”

“Three..”

“Two.”

“One.” You murmured in unison.

“Y’feel alright with me helpin’ you up? We can stay down here. S’alright with me.” His arms were fully enclosed around you now. He smelled better than you expected. Of course it helped that Jackson had an abundance of hygiene products available; soap being at the top of the list. He smelled earthy, rugged with a hint of minty freshness..toothpaste maybe.

“I really wasn’t going to shoot you..something just came over me and..I couldn’t stop myself.” You admitted softly.

“Would have been real hard for you to shoot me with the safety on darlin.’” He stifled a chuckle as he could see from the angle he was crouched down at, the safety on your rifle was in fact on. “Who gave you that rifle anyway? Someone outta teach ya to use it..never can be too careful.”

“Tommy gave it to me a few years back.”

“Ah. That does sound like somethin’ my brother would do.” He slowly stood to his feet as he offered you his gloved hand to help you up. “These floorboards are pretty damn wobbly. I can take a look at them when it ain’t so cold out? They probably started warpin’ from the changes in the weather. Might have a few boards that are rotted out.”

“Anything else you wanna fix on my house?” You teasingly asked as you grasped his hand, allowing him to help you up from the current sitting position you were in.

“Honey, I’ve got a whole mental list goin’ on in my head right now. The flood boards could end up bein’ a safety hazard if I don’t check ‘em sooner, rather than later. Your mailbox could use some sprucin’ up. Nothing a bit of paint can’t fix, and your gate is a little crooked. I’d uh—I’d be happy to do it though.” He was rubbing the back of his neck nervously with a sheepish look on his face.

“A whole list, huh? Is that why you were over here at the crack ass of dawn?” There was a ghost of a smile on your lips as you wrapped your arms around your chest to block out the bitter chill.

“Well, I gotta put my carpenter skills to good use somehow, right? Actually..I just woke up this mornin’ and wanted to do somethin’ nice for ya. Y’know after you came over and returned the mug..plus, I couldn’t really sleep all that much. I rarely do these days. Anyway, I’m ramblin’ yet again. The main reason I shoveled your walkway is cus’ I was goin’ to ask you if you’d like to accompany me to breakfast?” His face was flushed, and his cheeks were rosy, but he was certain it wasn’t because of the biting chill.

“You came all this way to shovel my walkway, and find an excuse to ask me out to breakfast?” You couldn’t help the smile that was slowly forming over your lips. It was crazy to think that just five minutes ago you were a complete cluster fuck of an emotional wreck, and now you were smiling like a fool because Joel Miller was proving to you that even in an apocalypse, chivalry was alive and well.

He ignored your question, at first. It wasn’t on purpose, he just was more tuned into your active shivering, and the way you tightened your arms across your chest in a weak attempt to block out the early morning chill.

“Are ya cold?” He asked with a soft rasp. He didn’t allow you the chance to answer as he was already slipping his warm suede jacket off and placing it over your shoulders.

“Thank you..” you whispered in a soft response.

“Of course. I’d feel pretty fuckin’ shitty if I caused ya to catch a cold out here.”

“And I’ll feel the same exact way if you catch one as well. Do you..want to come inside? I can put a fresh pot on?” You were already gesturing to your front door with a soft tilt of your chin in that direction.

“Let me just finish up with your walkway, and then I’d love to join you for a cup of coffee.” He was already heading down the steps to grab his discarded shovel.

“Wait! Joel, your jacket? Don’t you want it back?”

He glanced over his shoulder at you with a tiny grin playing on his lips. “Nah, s’alright darlin.’ The cold ain’t real botherin’ me anyway. Now please, go inside before you actually catch a cold.”

You weren’t one to argue at this early in the morning, and especially when you had yet to indulge in your cup of coffee. You slowly bent down and picked up your rifle and slung the strap over your shoulder before heading back inside. As soon as Joel heard the click of your front door closing, he continued on with shoveling the rest of your walkway.

The coffee grounds were just beginning to steep when he had quietly entered your home. He politely left his boots along the doormat next to yours. He didn’t want to be a rude houseguest and track in any snow. The first thing he noticed about your interior style was that you were anything but a minimalist. You had all sorts of picture frames hanging on the wall. Some were photographs but the others were paintings. Realism, portraits, landscapes, anything your heart desires, you painted it.

He especially took interest in all your knick knacks that were scattered in a clay bowl on the table in the entryway. Old keys, coins, lighters and paper matchboxes. Figurines, tiny porcelain coffee cups. The pads of his fingers brushed over a tiny felt fawn that was sitting atop of all the ‘clutter.’

“Ah. I see you found my bowl of treasures? Well, some people would probably call them junk, but I’ve always been a collector of oddities. Although, I wouldn’t really call them oddities. I think the proper term would be keepsakes?” You had two mugs of steaming coffee in your hands as you approached him. His jacket was still loosely hanging off of your shoulders as he looked over at you.

“Where did you find all of these treasures? Have you been collectin’ them through the years? Ellie’s obsessed with this kinda stuff.” He set the little felt fawn down gently as he reached for the coffee mug. Your fingers gently brushed against one another as he gingerly removed the mug from your hand. “Thank you, by the way. For uh, the coffee.”

“For the most part I have found all of these pieces on my own. Tommy actually found that felt fawn a few months ago. He knew it would bring a smile to my face. Do you want to take it home? I’m sure Ellie would love it. That’s kinda the whole concept of the bowl y’know? When I have guests over, I want them to pick something from it that really speaks to them. As you can see the bowl is quite full, considering I don’t get much company around here.” You brought the rim of your mug to your lips, softly blowing on the rising steam before you took a cautious slow sip.

“Oh, I couldn’t do that Beanie. I don’t wanna take somethin’ from ya that makes ya smile. That was awfully nice of my brother. Y’guys pretty close then?” He was gently leaning his weight back against the edge of the table, ankles crossed as he took a small sip from his own mug. For a split second you couldn’t help but feel the soothing domesticity from the moment you were sharing. Joel’s thick woolen socks, his flushed cheeks from the cold paired with his coat resting along your shoulders. There was something so tender to it all.

“Joel, I insist. Please, take the fawn and give it to your kid. I even have a little box for it so it looks like it’s a present. I’m sure she’ll love it. Anyway, Tommy and I are close. I suppose you could lay it out that way? I owe my life to him and Maria..they were the ones who took me in. I haven’t been outside Jackson since.”

“‘Course you got a little box for it and everythin.’ Alright, I’ll give it to El. You haven’t been outside Jackson in that long?..” He asked with genuine curiosity. He didn’t want to come across like he was prying either. He wanted you to open up to him not because he forced you to, but because you felt comfortable enough around him to show your vulnerabilities.

“I’ve only been outside the town one another time and that was when we found the coffee bean plants in the Colorado nursery. Tommy and Maria were with me of course and—” You paused, remembering how freaked out they were when you started to panic out of the blue. Neither of them could calm you down, and you passed out in Tommy’s arms.

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anythin’ you don’t wanna tell me, alright?” He reached his freehand out and gently placed it along the side of your wrist, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Let me..go get that box for Ellie’s fawn. Did you still want to do breakfast?” You set your mug along the table, you had barely touched it.

“If you’d like to. I’d thoroughly enjoy your company, and you ain’t lived till you’ve tried Maria’s egg casserole, darlin.’” He was grinning boyishly over the rim of his mug.

Man, was he handsome.

“Sounds like her egg casserole is to die for then. I’ll just grab that box, and then get dressed. You alright with hanging out here by yourself for a few minutes?”

“I think I can find a way to keep myself entertained till then.” He assured you.

“Perfect.”

Joel waited until you had disappeared upstairs before he let out a deep sigh as he looked down at the little felt fawn. His brow furrowed as he was deep in thought over what had possibly happened to you when you went outside Jackson with Tommy and Maria. He could connect the dots and piece the puzzle together, and the blaring answer was something bad had happened. What exactly? Now, that was going to take a little bit of time.

You came back downstairs a few minutes later. Dressed in some worn out jeans and a sweater made of pure sheep’s wool. Joel’s jacket was resting along the crook of your arm as you handed him a little felt box that went along with the fawn.

“Keep my jacket. I’ve got plenty at home.” Was the first thing that he uttered as he took the felt box from you and gently placed the fawn figurine inside before tucking it safely away in his pocket.

“Joel, I can’t do that. I’ve got plenty of jackets here as well.”

He wanted to tell you to keep it because he liked the way it looked on you. He kept those thoughts to himself for the time being.

“Alright, I won’t fight ya on it.” He shrugged.

“Good, cause you’ll lose every single time you try.” There was a playful edge to your tone as you placed the jacket back around his shoulders.

“Is that a challenge?” He mused, with his eyebrow quirked upwards.

“Nope. It’s facts.” You grinned.

Yeah, we’ll see about that.

More of Jackson’s residents began to emerge from their homesteads at the shrill sound of the breakfast bell chiming from the mess hall. Joel had respectfully offered you his arm as you descended down the porch steps, and past your crooked gate. You obliged to his offer, wrapping your gloved hand around the crook of his elbow.

You had never felt so many pairs of eyes on you since living in Jackson. Curious, envious, surprised, disgusted? Those were the types of looks you encountered from a handful of Jackson’s residents. The looks you received were mostly from women, and even though the world had ended, jealousy was still brewing.

It wasn’t everyday that Joel Miller came strolling into the mess hall with a pretty thing on his arm. You stood out like two sore thumbs, but it seemed like neither of you were paying much mind to it. Joel was used to the stares. People around here didn’t know much about him, other than the fact that he was Tommy’s older brother and Ellie was..like a daughter to him. They’d see the scars on his hands and arms and split like a sundae. He’d hear the whisperings of who he was, where he came from, and he’d shrug it all off. He much preferred keeping his family close, and everyone else at an arm's reach. He secretly relished in remaining a mystery to most.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” Tommy spoke in a surprised tone as you and Joel approached the table that he and Maria were currently seated at. “Ya finally get Beanie outta her coffee shell?”

“It appears that I did. Told her about Maria’s egg casserole and she was sold instantly.” Joel reached over and gave his brother a gentle pat on the shoulder. “Ellie stroll through here yet?”

“She came in a few minutes ago with Dina. There sittin’ with their friends ov’there.” Tommy gestured with the end of his fork.

“Thanks. Got somethin’ I wanna give t’her.” He turned towards you then and gave you a reassuring smile. “Why don’t ya go and grab yourself a plate. I’ll come sit with ya in a minute.”

“Do you want me to grab you a plate as well?..”

“You’re a real doll. Thank you, that would be great.” He gave his brother a slight nod before he was sauntering away to where Ellie was sitting. Her and Dina were sitting side by side, shoulders touching.

“Hey, kiddo.” Joel murmured softly.

“Hey, Joel.” Ellie responded, not looking up from her plate. Things between them were..rocky to put it nicely. She loved her dad of course, and after what happened yesterday she thought she’d be okay, but the truth was she wasn’t.

“I uh—don’t mean to bother you and Dina or nothin.’ Jus’ wanted to give this to you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the little velvet box and placed it down in front of her. “Beanies got this collection of treasures and I saw this..little fawn, and immediately thought of you kiddo.”

Why can’t I just be good with my words for once in my fuckin’ life?

Ellie could feel tears pricking the corner of her eyes as she gently lifted the lid off the box to reveal the little felt deer encased inside. This small gesture meant more than Joel would ever realize..but Ellie kept her poker face strong.

“Thanks, Joel.”

His heart dipped and sunk like dry sand becoming wet and weighed down from tumultuous waves crashing upon the shore. It was a small step in what he hoped was the direction of forgiveness.

“You’re welcome, kiddo.” He cleared his throat before he ambled away back to the table where the rest of his family were sitting. He had only known you for less than twenty four hours, and he already thought of you as family. He didn’t count all the times before outbreak day only because that part of himself had died along with Sarah. Or, so he thought.

“El..he’s trying at least.” Dina was resting her chin along Ellie’s shoulder as they were both gazing down at the little felt fawn.

“He is.” Ellie murmured softly.

Joel took a seat across from you as you were sitting next to Maria, gushing over her egg casserole, and how Joel was absolutely right about you not living until you tried it.

He thought you looked so pretty with a soft smile on your face as you looked at Maria with genuine adoration.

At nightfall, Joel, Tommy and a few other men were out patrolling. With the winter being so harsh, there were more chances of man wandering through these parts. Stragglers were one thing, raiders? That was a whole other story. Joel and Tommy took to the east on horseback. The longer winter night was dead silent. There was no howling wind to whip against the bone dry branches. No low hoot from an owl. It was quiet, too quiet. Even the horse’s hooves were nearly undetectable from how soft and careful they were stepping into the snow.

The only light source they had was the brightly lit moon shining in the jet-black sky. The stars scattered about weren’t nearly as brilliant as the moon.

Joel broke through the silence as he adjusted the strap of his rifle over his shoulder. “Tommy?..” he started, “do you know what happened to Beanie?..”

Tommy let out a huff of air as the bitter cold burned his lungs. He averted making eye contact with his brother before he was met with no other choice but to finally make eye contact with him. “It ain’t my place to tell you that, brother. I’m sorry.” He sounded defeated with his words because he didn’t want to keep anything hidden from Joel. Not after all those years they had spent apart from one another.

“You better give me a real fuckin’ reason why you can’t tell me. Tommy, she nearly fuckin’ shot me this mornin’ because she thought I was a threat. That I was a danger to her life. You can’t tell me anythin?’” Joel whispered back, harsher than he had wanted but he didn’t like being left out of the loop.

“Joel,” Tommy hissed under his breath, “Even if I knew the exact details of what that woman went through, I wouldn’t be able to disclose them to you.”

“Why the hell not?” Joel quipped back.

“Because, because..she ain’t got’a fuckin’ clue about what happened to herself either, Joel.”

What?

Banners made by the lovely @saradika

Tag List: @chaotic-mystery @cavillscurls @thetriumphantpanda @sinsofsummers @morning-star-joy @cupofjoel @dinsdjrn @kirsteng42 @korynnekorynne @amanitacowboy @casa-boiardi @yazsos @joeldjarin @bitchwitch1981 @laurrrra @whattownheadshake @evylzzz @ahintofkiwistrawberry @ladymildfrd @bobafettbutifhewasgay @gintheginger @pedrobaby @sheepdogchick3 @cactusangie @mrs-dr-reid @littlemisspascal @tessa-quayle @darkroastjoel @pedrostories

I will be getting rid of my tag lists in the near future and making a separate account for just my fics. I’ll be making this announcement soon!

Chapter 4:

[green-nerd-showdown]

GREEN NERD SHOWDOWN ROUND 1 BATTLE 2

JONATHAN SIMS FROM THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES VS DONATELLO FROM TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

PROPAGANDA

JONATHAN

He’s just a nerd generally. He also started off the series as really posh and “doesn’t believe in the supernatural” (it’s a coping mechanism). Then as the series goes on, becomes a know-it-all. Supernaturally. He gets the powers to know (almost) everything. He doesn’t really have a canon appearance, (podcast) but TMA as a whole is associated with green because of the pictures used for it.

The Magnus Archives cover is green, and per the unofficial rules of eye-themed podcasts, the fanart tends to lean towards a green color pallette. Jon Sims art frequently has him wearing green. And he's so nerdy. He researches and archives supernatural encounters. His preferred ice cream flavor is rum raisin. He went to Oxford and faked his accent. His social skills are abysmal. When someone asked if he'd seen a dog he responded with "…In general?"

Green eye powers plus he works at an archiving job not only that but the head archivist and has a degree in library science+not many friends and a loner

That man saw someone being kind to him and decided they were going to murder him

HE SEES ALL (also he needs a break. That man has so many scars and so much trauma get a that guy a fuckin nap and a raise)

DONATELLO

Green skin, dedicated nerd/tech guy of the group for like 40 years now. I'll get Vei in here to tell you more.

literally green (turtle), big ass nerd (science, chem, botany, engineering, compsci), canonical autism icon

Bro is a massive nerd and proud of it. He actively attempts to make his 3 other brothers just as nerdy as him by scientifically altering them. He has lots of tech and admits to being able to do dewey decimal mathematics (Dewey decimal being a library categorisation system). He outright rejects things that aren't scientific 90% of the time and actively argues sciences superiority. Also he's a massive fanboy of a comic book character within the series called Jupiter Jim (his fav is atomic Lass). So yeah, green purple turtle is a massive nerd.

Literally green. Also a nerd.

[hispieceofcake]

🕸️My thoughts and feelings on Beetlejuice 🪲 (at least for a while)

I know a lot of people probably won't care but I really want to share my thoughts and talk about this character and that's what I'm going to do, There are a lot of thoughts and feelings accumulated inside my head and I need to get them out, it's a little mess but I think it will be fun to read.

I've had this on my mind for a while, which has finally become one of my biggest, if not the biggest, hyperfocuses for now and I'm going to share a little bit of it now >:)

I really didn't think I would have the courage to post this because I'm not that confident in sharing my things but I CAN'T TAKE THIS GREEN DEMON GHOST MAN OFF MY MIND😫‼️

The beginning of this happened when I was already in another hyperfocus on the character Adam from the series Hazbin hotel on Amazon(I was already a fan since the pilot on YouTube), and then a slight curiosity hit me..."Who is his voice actor?"

So I went looking for who he was and I ended up being so interested in the actor, who is Alex Brightman (I love him a lot by the way and I can't wait to go see the musical and see him in person) and also in the characters he played and voiced, and in particular one of them won my heart.😔🩷

That's exactly what you're thinking, it was Beetlejuice.

For some reason he caught my attention and over time I ended up becoming quite fond of the character, even more so when I remembered that my parents watched the character's film when I was a child, which made me even more eager to research and look for any possible bit of information on the internet that I could find.

AND YES !

I actually achieved a lot and I'm going to share it <3

Firstly, the 1988 film, which was one of the first pieces of information I found about it, after all, it was in it that the character made his debut (apart from the story of its creator Tim Burton). And I know Beetlejuice is a pervert in this movie, but I try to ignore that and try to just look at the good side of him being a good character.

Secondly, and I think this is what caught my attention the most, is the cartoon of 1989 with the same name as the character called Beetlejuice where the character acted as the protagonist alongside Lidya (In this one there's nothing about him wanting to force her to marry him like in the movie, it's just a cartoon of them having a good friendship and being best friends).

And man, the way I was happy when found out that the cartoon had 4 seasons and about 68 episodes, I was almost like that kitten TikTok meme ✨ HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY ✨

Like, wow, a source of potential Gifs, icons, dividers, photos, edits, there was so much I could do that I didn't even know where to start because of all the hustle and bustle and animation I had (And of course I spent the next few weeks pestering my friends about it during class with every little bit of information I found🤓👆).

At the moment I'm trying to look for a website that has all the episodes together or just some, but so far I've only been able to find them on old DVDs. When I can find a website I will gather all the links and post them, so that more people can watch.

And one of the best parts...I FOUND A WHOLE COLLECTION OF 🩷VALENTINES' DAY CARDS🩷 and I'll probably make another post later to post all of them or at least their links, they're all official. This made me even more excited because I love all that romantic and cute aesthetic of the Valentine's Day season, hearts, red and pink decorations, heart-shaped candy boxes, love letters, Decorated store windows, stuffed animals, I just love everything (even though I don't have a valentine, and I don't want to🙃).

To give you an idea of how focused I was on this little green-haired corpse demon ghost man, everywhere I have the opportunity I make doodles or drawings of him all over the places, walls, notebooks, tests, napkins, classroom board, and in my sketchbook, in which I'm making an entire page dedicated just to him and Lidya, which maybe later I'll post too. Even more so after I managed to find several official reference sheets from the studio that designed and animated the cartoon, so now the drawings will be much better.💋

There is so much information that I managed to find that I am having to organize my thoughts because unfortunately I am very agitated and anything takes my focus easily, but as soon as I can really focus on that, it feels like I'm somewhere else.

But now talking about the Broadway musical, (which as said before has my beloved Alex Brightman as the main actor), I've always liked the idea of musicals, and even more so when his story is about my favorite character, and speaking of musicals, I REALLY WAS OBSESSED WITH THE SONG "SAY MY NAME" 😫🩷

And oh boy, I spend almost all day singing it or with it resonating in my mind, whenever I read, write, draw or do anything to do with Beetlejuice, I put on my headphones and listen this song as if it were the greatest masterpiece made in history.

AND I'M SORRY BUT I NEED TO SHARE THIS SONG WITH YOU GUYS

Leaving the character a little, and going to the actor...he is simply the SWEETEST AND CUTEST MAN I'VE EVER SEEN!!

After I discovered that he voiced the characters that I like most in the Hazbin Hotel fandom and played the character that I like so much, I developed a huge affection for him, not just for his work, but because he is so sweet, fun and funny that I can't help but love everything and everything I find about this man online.

Alex Brightman bringing the character Beetlejuice to life and voicing Adam, Fizzarolli and Sir Pentious

That's it for now ,folks, that's all I have stuck in my mind for now or at least what I can remember

I apologize if this isn't so good, I'm writing this while I'm at school at 7am after waking up at 5am while my body is sore after a presentation.

So, thank you for reading 💞

[heilos]

Hello! My name is Moriah and I am a junior in high school. I was wondering if I might be able to get your insight on a few questions I have?

I am in my final years of high school and am starting to think about college but I have no idea what I want to pursue. I know I love art, so for a long time I have been thinking about getting an art major or going to an art school.

I’m reaching out because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOUR ART and I think you are a very talented artist! I have been in love with your art for so long and I am curious and wondering how you are able to fit drawing into your life?

1.) If you went to college for art, what was it like? Do you think going to school for art or having an art major is worth it?

2.) how can I fit art into my everyday life? I’m sure you have work and other things to do in your life so how do you balance it out? (I just want to know how you can draw as much as you do!)

3.) do you do art as a full-time career or part-time career? is it an alright source of income? If it is a part-time career, how do you balance work, personal life, and art?

Thank you so much! And sorry if these questions might seem personal. I just want to know how other artist manage to draw and create their work and still have an adult life. Thanks again, and thank you for being a huge inspiration in my life to create the art I love! Your art means so much to me!❤️❤️ ❤️

Hi Moriah! Thank you so much for your patience since it took me a bit to answer this. I'll do my best to be as honest as possible. 1) I think going to college can be beneficial even if I wish i'd done things differently. In hindsight I would have definitely taken more time to really look through all available options instead of gunning straight for the most "prestigious" looking colleges since the idea of having a big name school on your resume was pretty prevalent when I was growing up. I went to Savannah College of Art and Design or SCAD for short and while I don't regret the friends I made there, I do regret not understanding just how much an institution like that ended up costing in loans compared to what I got out of it education wise. It always hurts my heart to see other kids get chained to huge amounts of student loan debt that could have been avoided. And even then you don't necessarily need a college degree for every type of art job. Your portfolio is what really matters more to prospective work places if you're looking at a career related to art. I would also keep in mind that the field is very competitive depending on what your goals are. Do you want to get into animation? game design? illustration? comics? prop design, character design or environment design? ect ect. Always try and give yourself the best advantage you can with researched knowledge of what you might be getting yourself into. Also there is no rush to go immediately into college even if you're dead set on wanting to attend one. Please give yourself as much time as you need to really make that decision and, if you have the option, don't feel pressured into thinking you HAVE to make that choice immediately out of high school. 2) I do get quite a bit of production art done on my days off mostly since I'm very experienced in working on group projects like Mystery Skulls Animated. When you're doing art and production work with other people, there's a different mindset in that others are relying on you to keep decently productive so that you're not holding up the pipeline if you're dedicated to seeing a project through to completion. Now when it comes to purely fun art on the side, I've actually only recently started balancing my time out better with work to sketch since the draw back of working on a group project like this for so long is a certain level of burn out. I had about a 2-3 year period where I couldn't get myself to draw much of anything even if I was excited about something like a new game or animated series and it's taken awhile to come to terms with the time lost since my body and head needed that time to recover and that's something i'm much more ok with now. I'm not the absolute best on advice for time management unfortunately, but seeking out projects that might interest you and lets you collaborate with other artists is definitely one way to keep yourself excited and engaged when wanting to make art. Just know and/or learn your limits and you'll be better about not getting too burned out when trying to find that decent balance of art time and other life activities. 3) I actually don't do art full time even if that was originally the plan back in college. I personally found out that I didn't want to turn it into a job the closer graduation came, but that varies completely from person to person and plenty of up and coming artists have found fulfillment in having art be their job too. I used to make prints for conventions so that was a partial income source for a little bit, but again for me it got tiring and I ended up getting a different more physical job to supplement my income while still being able to have enough time to stick around with my friend group on our music video projects. And again there's no shame in taking some time in trying to figure out if you want to make art your job and coming to a different conclusion. Sometimes the things we plan when we're younger take a wildly different turn out of left field and education or job aspirations are very much included in that.

[library-of-confusion]

The Well With No Bottom

I've been meaning to write a post for all of the Louis haters out there who say that he never gave back any of the love that Lestat was constantly pouring out on him, but I got so caught up in the research that I never actually got around to actually writing the thing.

The main point that I want to make here is that Louis' love for Lestat is just as passionate as Lestat's love for him, if not more so. He just expresses it in a very different way. From books, to big screen, to theatre and television series, Louis has always been far more emotionally repressed than Lestat. Hell, most of the world is far more emotionally repressed when compared to the King of Emotional Expression himself! Louis loves Lestat fiercely, but in his own quiet way.

In Episode 1, on the night they first meet, well before any physical intimacy between the two had ever occurs, Louis, who should be furious with Lestat for snatching Lilly away from him, instead can think of nothing but Lestat. "My body was seized with weakness. His gaze tied a string around my lungs and I found myself immobilized." If that's not love at first sight, I don't know what is. He's fallen head over heels in mere minutes.

As their friendship progresses, Louis refers to Lestat as his "coal fire" in a cold winter. He points out that, for the first time ever, he found himself confiding his struggles to another man. While confiding in a friend is completely normal, the way it surprises Louis and catches him off guard is not. It becomes obvious that this relationship means something more than friendship to Louis.

Then, of course, we have the scene at the townhouse when Louis finally sets his pent-up desires free. It was him who made the first move to kiss Lestat, not the other way around.

And who initiates that kiss in the church, just before Lestat gives Louis the blood?

It's also important to remember the unreliable narrator of this tale. Louis has clearly left out many moments in his relationship with Lestat that would help the viewer to see it through his eyes. Lestat himself mentions some of these moments in Episode 2, when he starts out by calling Louis angry, stubborn, unaccommodating and maddening then changes his tone to remind Louis that he is also loving, dedicated and thoughtful. Louis may have failed to mention all the moments that cause Lestat to describe him in this way, but Lestat lets us know that they did happen and that no one has ever displayed these admirable qualities to him in quite the same way that Louis has.

While Lestat lavishes praise on Louis to make him feel better after almost killing his nephew, Louis tells Daniel of his feelings for Lestat. "There was present a kind of worship, on my part. The earth beneath me always felt liquid." How many of us can say such a thing about a lover?

To please Lestat, Louis attends another opera. He simmers in indignation as he plays the part of Lestat's valet and walks a few steps behind Lestat instead of by his side, where he wants to be. He tolerates the stares and comments of those around him to ensure that Lestat has a good time. He even drinks from the Tenor with Lestat, pretending to be enthralled by the experience because he doesn't want to disappoint. Louis sets aside his own comfort and happiness for Lestat.

"Aren't I enough?" Louis asks, in Episode 3, about Lestat's little fling with Antoinette. This question comes from a place of utter vulnerability. Louis is admitting his own jealousy and insecurity. And we all know how well Lestat's reaction went over. Of course, by the end of the episode, Louis shoots back at Lestat. Already upset about the way he is being treated and over his complete loss of control with killing Alderman Fenwick, Louis gets angry with Lestat and tells him that the two of them are never going to work and that Lestat will always be alone. He hits where it hurts the most. To quote author Valarie Kaur, "The opposite of love is not rage. The opposite of love is indifference." If Louis didn't love Lestat as much as he does, he couldn't be so passionately infuriated by him. If he didn't love Lestat, he would have no desire to harm him in a moment of rage.

Another perfect example of the above is in Episode 6 when Louis swims across the Mississippi River to confront Lestat about the song. "I hate you," may be the truth in that very moment, but can we truly know hate if we haven't first experienced love?

Also in Episode 6, Louis confesses that despite all that has happened between them, he still loves Lestat with a wounded heart. This is one of the few times that Louis actually uses the "L" word to express what he feels for Lestat. Lestat points out that the way Louis has been killing animals and how he acts somewhat superior about it makes Lestat feel as if he is being looked down upon for his body's needs. Claudia agrees. Once again, without an ounce of consideration for his own comfort or desires, Louis decides, on the spot, that he will hunt humans again for Lestat and for their family.

Episode 7 is a wealth of evidence to support Louis' love for Lestat. Yes, he's agreed to help Claudia with her plot to kill Lestat, but that doesn't make his feelings for Lestat any less valid than they have been all along. Claudia wants him to be a distraction for Lestat, to give Lestat all of his heart while she plans the rest. "I can't do that. I'll lose myself in him," is Louis reply. He knows that if he falls back into old feelings, he won't be able to turn them off. The connection between himself and Lestat is too strong.

When Louis first catches sight of Lestat at the Mardi Gras Ball, he is overwhelmed by conflicting emotion. "A cascade of feelings came over me as I watched him sponge up the adoration. I wanted him dead. I wanted him all to myself." And by the time their last dance begins, Louis has lost himself entirely. "It was my sole duty to distract Lestat, but in his mirrored eyes, the distraction reflected back onto me. And in the dead center of the whispering gallery, I lost the thread to my plotting and fell once more into the well with no bottom. I was his and he was mine." If his words were filled with any more adoration, they would be in a book of love poetry.

Once again, who make the first move to steal a kiss in front of a speechless crowd?

So, to the haters out there who say that Louis is ungrateful and that the only love he ever gave to Lestat was fake or for his own hateful purposes... what in the hell were you watching?

[lesbrarycollection]

1981: The Lesbian in Literature (3rd edition) by Barbara Grier

Grier Ratings: During the 1960s, while Grier worked at The Ladder, she was involved in the creation of a bibliography of lesbian literature, The Lesbian in Literature. She used the name Gene Damon for that bibliography, but her rating system for lesbian literature would come to be known as Grier Ratings. Grier rated lesbian literature on a letter scale for how prominent the lesbian subject was to the story and a range of 1 to 3 asterisks for the quality of the representation:

🅰️⭐⭐⭐ A rating of 'A***' had lesbian characters with very sympathetic portrayals.

🅰️ A rating of 'A' without an asterisk meant there was a major lesbian component but not sympathetically portrayed.

🅱️ / ©️ The B and C ratings were for works with lesbian subplots or suppressed/coded lesbian themes.

🚮 Books that contained voyeuristic and demeaning representations of lesbians were rated as 'T (Trash)'.

Barbara Grier (1933--2011) is credited for having built the lesbian book industry. After editing The Ladder magazine, published by the lesbian civil rights group Daughters of Bilitis, she co-founded a lesbian book-publishing company Naiad Press, which achieved publicity and became the world's largest publisher of lesbian books. She built a major collection of lesbian literature, catalogued with detailed indexing of topics.

Grier realized she was a lesbian at age twelve after researching the topic at the library. She told her mother that she was homosexual, and her mother replied, "No, because you're a woman, you're a lesbian. And since 12 years old is too young to make such a decision, let's wait six months before we tell the newspapers." Yet, Grier's mother was supportive. When Grier was fifteen, her mother gifted her a copy of The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall and Of Lena Geyer (1936) by Marcia Davenport. This would be the start of Grier's collection of lesbian literature. She describes her collection of lesbian-themed books as Lesbiana, a collection that was fueled by a "love affair with lesbian publishing."

In 1957, Grier subscribed to The Ladder, a magazine edited by members of the Daughters of Bilitis. Grier began writing book reviews for The Ladder, using multiple pen names in her writings including Gene Damon, Marilyn Barrow, Gladys Casey, Terry Cook, Dorthy Lyle, Vern Niven, Lennox Strong, and Lee Stuart. The Ladder was the center of Grier's life in the 1950s and 60s. Some issues were completely written by her. Although it was primarily compiled by Grier, hundreds of women contributed information for this book.

In 1973, Grier co-founded Naiad Press along with Donna McBride, Anyda Marchant, and Muriel Crawford (Marchant's partner). They founded the venture with $2,000 pooled between them. Grier and McBride ran Naiad from Kansas City until 1980 when it relocated to Tallahassee, Florida. Both Grier and McBride continued to work other full-time jobs until 1982 when they dedicated all their time to the publishing company. Naiad Press went on to become the world's largest publisher of lesbian books.

Some complained that the books published by Naiad Press were always romances or mysteries with happy endings. But Grier said repeatedly that what she wanted was to reach the lesbians in Middle America who were in the closet and who deserved to have books about their lives, too.

Naiad's inventory included mysteries, romances, and science fiction novels. The press also reprinted classics of lesbian writing, including Ann Bannon's Beebo Brinker series. Naiad also produced non-fiction books. Rosemary Curb and Nancy Manahan's Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence (1985) was among the most successful. Naiad Press' most controversial publication was Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence, a work of non-fiction that was banned in Boston and criticized by the Catholic Church. Grier paid ex-nuns Rosemary Kurb and Nancy Manahan a half million dollars for the book which landed Grier on numerous talk shows.

By 1994, the company had a staff of 8 and projected sales of $1.8 million US. In 1992, Grier and McBride donated Naiad's entire collection to the San Francisco Public Library, which consisted of a tractor trailer full of 14,000 books estimated at $400,000 US.

Grier and McBride retired in 2005. They gradually let their books go out of print before closing Naiad Press' doors. The heir to Naiad Press became Bella Books of Ferndale, Michigan. Bella Books was founded in 2001 by Kelly Smith, who spent eighteen months working for Naiad in the late 1990s. Grier was very supportive of Bella Books, and noted that almost all of the Naiad writers have signed on with Smith.

- Title: "The Lesbian in Literature: 3rd Edition"

- Author(s) / Editor(s): Barbara Grier

-Year 1st Published: 1981

- Year of Reprint My Copy Is (if applicable): N

- Publisher: Naiad Press

- Page Numbers: 168

- # in series: N/A

- Genre(s): Nonfiction, Reference, Guide

- Is It An Ex-library Copy (and from where?): N

- Author's signature (if applicable): N

- Have I Read It?: Y

- Is It On Loan (and to which friend?): N

- Is it on Internet Archive: Y

- Average Goodreads Rating, out of 5 Stars (as of 15/10/2023): 4.0

- Amount of Goodreads Ratings (as of 15/10/2023): 11 ratings

- Amount of Goodreads Reviews (as of 15/10/2023): 0 reviews

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[sushisocks]

omg imagine if sean got his own game like about his childhood and ending just before he met dutch and hosea with a full soundtrack and developed characters THAT WILL COMPLETE ME

God, Anon, what I wouldn't give for ANY MORE INFORMATION about Sean and what his life was like prior to the gang. His timeline & backstory has so many vague elements to them, to the point that parsing some things are REALLY hard (I think I definitely can say it's fucking hard, given the amount of research I've done to answer some asks abt his background before!!).

But for me, a big part of Sean's appeal is the -- unfulfilled potential? Which is obviously part of the POINT with both his & Lenny's deaths (Lenny moreso, but I digress), but I've always been drawn towards characters with a lot of unanswered questions left in their wake and we don't even actually know Sean's AGE.

So like, YES OBVIOUSLY, if a game revolving around Sean was ever released, I'd fucking die, yall would see insanity on this blog like never before. I'd be posting like a bitch in heat! Though do I think a game abt Sean is likely? Of course not. And do I want one? Well, not necessarily?

For one I don't know how a game focused on Sean's backstory would fit into the themes of the Red Dead series, nor am I sure such a game would be as emotionally fulfilling or have the same kind of impact when we already KNOW where he ends up and what happens to him. (Sidenote; this is sort of why I'm not necessarily hankering for a RDR3 focused on the gang in the early days. A prologue to the prologue feels in many ways redundant.) Obviously I'd still be FERAL if R* decided to do a game about him anyway, but I'd be SUPER curious as to how they worked around these aspects of his story.

What I REALLY want is literally just like. A booklet with more information about him. But not so much that it ruins what I find fun about him, if that makes sense? I don't necessarily WANT to know his exact age when he died, but I DO want to know what age he was when he came to America, or how long he stayed in reform school.

ALTERNATIVELY a DLC with even more missions with him or content about him in ch2/3 would be much appreciated. I've been putting off going to see him in RDO because I know I need to be like -- ready for it, lol.

I WOULD LOVE more soundtracks dedicated to him though 🙃 And maybe more info about the people in his life who were important to him prior to the gang, besides his dad. (Ive been thinking a lot about that RDO line when you first meet him, where he says he lost the gang because he went off killing a guy he owed a killing to. WHO IS THIS GUY???? WHAT DID HE DO FOR SEAN OF ALL PEOPLE TO HUNT HIM DOWN????? I have my thoughts and theories but ohh my god this one haunts me man.)

ANYWAY Thank u anon, I hope u don't mind me using this ask as another opportunity to rant, because that's obviously ALL I DO LMAO

[fictionalsillies]

Free ramble pass! Go off about the first thing that drew you to an f/o of your choosing and vice versa! :DD

Hello ! Thank you for sending me this , I’ll gladly take any opportunity to gush about my favorite guys ( and girls ) :D

It was pretty difficult to choose which f/o to bring up , but I ended up going for the one character I haven’t stopped thinking about in weeks now :

Jaw Bone from Monkey Wrench ❣️❣️

( art made by @ monkey-wrench-zeurel )

There are a few factors that make me go head over heels for a character in fiction : if I find their design appealing and their personality and voice … I can’t stress enough how important that last point is , the way they sound like is probably the main thing that gives me butterflies <3

Now I was introduced to Jaw Bone quite some time ago in a Tumblr post from the official MW account which displayed a bunch of characters that were going to appear in future episodes , and his design immediately caught my eye … even though I didn’t even get to hear his voice yet , my brain instantly went :

It wasn’t long before I joined the Patreon dedicated to the series , and that’s when I got to see more content related to him , including his introduction in which he actually talked …

Then I went “oh boy oh my - I’m gonna be thinking about you for days on end now !”

I don’t know , I just - everything about him just works so well for me , and the full episode in which he debuts isn’t even released yet :,0

He is kinda like a mix of Lord Hater and Underfell Papyrus : a tall , very angy skeleton man … and I love that for some reason :,)

( I did actually use to have a crush on UF Paps back in middle school now that I think about it… guess I have a type ;C; )

I think it’s about imagining what he would be like with someone who deeply cares about him and who he deeply cares about … I just wanna see Jaw Bone smile and feel loved , that’s all I want ;_; ❣️

Plus he owns a scythe , and any character who uses a scythe immediately earns 100 charisma points in my book 👌

Joking aside though , I think that the first thing who drew me to him was his design , then everything else came along the way 👍

Man I am so hyped for the new episode to arrive - another thing I always do when discovering a new f/o is researching every single detail about them and their lore , so that’s gonna be pretty epic I’d say ! Anyway , that’s all about this topic , again thank you for sending me this awesome inbox ! ❤️

[nanodevil]

Creation of my TMA ttrpg oneshot #1

I'd been feeling the urge to DM a game for a while, particularly after listening to some of the games hosted by Jonathan Sims on the The Magnus Archives. They occasionally run short horror themed one shots during episode hiatuses- and while listening to the Duskhollow run (episode 3), it dawned on me. I want to do this. I want to do this type of thing for a Magnus Archives setting.

So, as the hyperfixation goes, my brain went to work to figure out the bits. Now, I'm writing this halfway through the process, so the earlier details are fuzzy to me.

My main inspiration was the Duskhollow run, which ran on an adapted version of the Cthulhu hack mixed with elements of the Cthulhu hack 2e. I spent about a day researching different engines to run the game on, mostly from recommendations from friends. Most notably was Candela Obscura by Darrington Press. In the end though, I returned to what inspired me in the first place - the cthulhu hack. It's a rules-light engine, that does away with overly complicated rolls and systems present in D&D that to this day i cant always get my head around. I decided to splurge a little (seriously, like, 3 pounds) on a quick start guide to the cthulhu hack. It was mildly interesting, and gave light to the rules of the system (as well as Jonny's explanation in Duskhollow episode 1).

Now I had a system. I needed players.

The process of recruiting players and adapting the system kind of ran side by side. Of course, I knew exactly who would be interested in this sort of thing. My TMA friend, Circus, who finished the entire series before I even started it, was a big fan of the idea, and was on board immediately. My other friend, Biscuits, got wind of the idea on a group chat we share, and despite only watching up until season 3, was hooked. Lastly was Cap, who also expressed interest. Despite only having consumed a couple canon episodes, he knew a lot about certain spoilers due to online fandom osmosis. I was lucky that these 3 people were already familiar with each other enough that I wasn't too worried about any awkward chemistry - these 3 chronically online weirdos were exactly who I needed as 1. players, and 2. dedicated hypemen.

The players also affected the worldbuilding route I chose. From what I saw, I had several options.

Canon universe, with canon characters, set during the time of the podcast

Canon universe, set in the past or future (I liked the idea of new assistants working for Gertrude)

AU universe, with all new characters, villains, and statements, built in the vague shape of the TMA template

I opted for number 3 - it involved the most work, but I liked the potential and possibilities it opened up. Plus, anything set in canon would contain spoilers for players like Cap, who hadn't finished season 1, who hadnt experienced the emotional plot beats that I'd be relying on the most. Option 2 sounded interesting, but with a story set in the past, any futures of the characters would be set in some sort of stone that I didn't feel would be interesting. Option 3 allowed the most openness for the players to grow and explore, with opportunities for ME to make cool new shit. This would keep the concept fresh for players who HAD listened, such as Circus and Biscuits, and off-canon enough to not spoil anything for players like Cap (and also Biscuits).

I adapted the system itself in small ways. I changed the "sanity" stat to a "fear" stat to keep more in line with the canon. I fuddled with the flashlights stat, went back and forth between calling it the eye stat or the curiosity stat. In the end, I kept it as flashlights, and smokes as smokes. The quickstart guide I purchased didn't help a lot with character building, so I had to fudge things myself from the pre-set sheets. I ended up making my own character sheet for the players to start filling out, and this kickstarted me talking to my players about character creation.

And create they did. I genuinely cannot stress how much I love the characters they created. Before I go on to them though, I want to comment on the character sheets I made.

I didn't like the character sheets that came with the quickstart guide. It didn't appeal to my personal tastes, so I tried to adapt it myself. I loved the idea of the character sheet being a "staff profile" for their employment. I initially was going to fill the character sheets out for my players, to instill the worldbuilding idea that it was the CEO filling it out rather than the employees themselves (to foreshadow the CEO's plans for them). However, I didn't go that route. To be totally honest, I thought it was helicopter-DMing to fill out the sheets for them. Especially so since I know a big reason everyone joined is the joys of character creation and making a lil blorbo to play around with. So I made an example sheet for them to reference and left them to it. 2/3 of my players are artists too, so I was happy for them to draw their characters as THEY saw fit.

My own critique notes: I feel like this template is a little too difficult for those without editing software to reference and edit - ideally these would be printed. The benefit of the quickstart guides character template was that it was an editable pdf. I didn't know how to make this like, well, THAT. I liked the "lofi charm" of the drawn version, but it's not as good for that kind of player interaction.

I did like adding my own adaption things, such as the skills, inventory list, background, and ??? squares, as well as a space for an "employee ID photo". However, my excitement got away from me and I forgot to add a particularly important block to the sheet which was "fears". This was a system I wanted to add to the game, to be able to roll disadvantage fear rolls to those who were predisposed to certain things on a character level. If I redo this template, the fears section will definitely be added. Currently, I have to keep it in my own little template box, and make sure the players are aware of what they chose.

Returning to the players, I was beyond excited with the characters they created. They were fun, interesting, and varied enough to not have any repeated concepts. All of my players ran with their ideas, and we had fully fledged characters in less than 4 hours after messaging them.

Those 4 hours began when I completed my homebrewed class system. The original cthulhu hack class system I found didn't really pertain to the worldbuilding of TMA - namely, a lot of them involved combat. While combat in ttrpgs is kind of classic, I didn't feel like it would be a big part of the game as my intention was to make it a mystery. Besides, the archives is an academic institution. There's no way a "ruffian" or a "bruiser" were getting jobs as archive assistants. The point is that theyre all different varieties of NERD. SO, I changed the system. The old system included the aforementioned bruiser and ruffian, as well as the philanthropist, the scholar, and the adventurer.

My classes were based on the given resources of the cthulhu hack, as well as inspired by Duskhollow. The resources, that being flashlights, smokes, sanity, and items, all have ingame uses and systems that I wanted to affect. For flashlights, I added the librarian - they had a background in the archive libraries and would have more knowledge on doing nerd-type research. For smokes, I added the rookie, a new hire to the archives who still had to get to know everybody around. Sanity had the skeptic, my personal favourite class, that had an advantage with fear rolls because of their preset disbelief in the occult. The last was the artfefactor, which is a word i absolutely just made up, who had a background in artefact storage and allowed the player to have access to more interesting items. I was very happy with the list I'd made. Unfortunately, nobody ended up choosing the skeptic, which was fine (im fine. im fine). I also ended up brewing a fifth class for one of the players circus, that was the same as the librarian in all but name (introducing the handyman). By introducing these classes, the characters chose their class and created their character around it.

Cap, as the rookie, made a new hire who was desparate to please everyone. Biscuits, as the artefactor, had a mysterious and absolutely traumatized artefact storage employee. Circus, as the handyman, made a southern country MAN who worked as a book restorationist in the institute library.

The kind of excitement and planning and love that went into these characters all bled into the hype created between these 4 people, and I began to wonder whether this one shot would STAY a oneshot. I love the idea of longer campaigns, but knowing me and my short lived passions, I had gone into this project with the mindset to start something small. The coming session is still a playtest, but plans for a longer campaign started to influence my further world building.

Because next was the writing.

The writing itself was it's own project that I was very looking forward to. The benefits of the cthulhu hack system is that it favours mystery, cosmic horror, and investigations and clue-collecting. That sounded perfect for what I was going for. However, the idea of investigations was beginning to weigh on me. Duskhollow was based around a police precinct that involved solving cases. Now a notable thing about the Magnus Archives is that not every case gets solved. In fact, most cases were just stepping stones to a greater mystery. The question of how to make this an engaging and satisfying mystery while still leaving threads open for a possible larger mystery began to form in my mind. What was the larger mystery going to be? What was the SMALLER mystery going to be?

The idea was to give them a case, a statement, with leads they all had to follow up on. That alone left me scratching my head for an entire weekend (as i procrastinated by making npcs over actual storylines). There are 15 fears in TMA, all with their own preset lore and trends and amalgamous interactions (hows that for a made up word?). The vast scope (lol) mixed with the unending pressure (lol) to make something different to established canon kind of left me stumped for a while. I made villains, but they all had an air of finality to them, something that had to be built up to rather than dealt with in a single investigation (on the players first week no less). I put a pin in this, putting the question to simmer in the back of my bind as I started other missions.

Next was the discord server. The discord server is to host the game itself, and to allow for player interactions and questions. I started off with 3 channels, a "system" channel for info on the game, an "out of character" channel for general talk, and an "in character" channel for players to roleplay in. I wasn't really sure about the last one, I was unsure if it would be used at all. I was inspired by other DM friend Louis, who is big in the LARP scene. His own servers had places for characters to talk in character, and I thought it was neat! I invited the players to chat around about the game, before introducing the purpose of the in character chat. I was not expecting them to take to it so well. I was honestly shocked at the response. The roleplay was funny, engaging, and let the characters practice their voices as they roleplayed on the "Magnus Institute Microsoft Teams Equivalent". The work group chat, essentially. It was amazing. I was beyond overjoyed to witness the players having such fun with an idea i didnt think would take very well. It was a lovely surprise.

I'll continue more of my process in post 2, as this is getting exceptionally long (and i need a break of writing lol). Important points I want to add on is: the homebrew worldbuilding how my archive and the canon archive differ the investigation the marks and encounters system the minecraft thing

[xaracosmia]

ꕥ — WELCOME TO CATA COSMIA, RYAN MOSS. 🌕

ꕥ  — OOC INFORMATION;

name / alias: Kimber/Gecko

Age: 25

Pronouns: She/They

ooc contact: @mercilessgecko on twt and tumblr

other characters in xc: Z Johns, Theodore Macnell

ꕥ  — IC INFORMATION;

  Name: Ryan Moss

Age: 26

Pronouns: She/They > He

Series: Lethal Company OC >:3c

canon point: Around Quota in the 900’s/ Round 3-4

app triggers: Death

  personality: Ryan has always been described as the gentle giant among her crewmates. She doesn’t say too much, but when she does speak, she’s kind and offers the best of herself she possibly can. She can be stern if needed, and the anchor for the team when everything starts going to shit. 

  something your muse struggles with: Having a voice, protecting herself, knowing her limit

your muse’s greatest strength: Protecting others, being level headed, problem solving

  history / background: Ryan was born into a family of researchers. Explorers, and those who always chased a dream for the betterment of themselves and humanity, even if it meant their downfall. Her and her siblings were all exceptionally gifted in academics, doing well and having bright futures ahead of them. Ryan went to college and got her degree in engineering, and was gearing up to work alongside her parents at a research facility. That’s when the Company came into their lives, the promise of exploration, research, and sights beyond imagination was very enticing to Ryan’s parents. They agreed to go and join this company, and invited any of their now all grown children to join them. Ryan’s older brother decided against it, he was about to start a family soon and needed to dedicate his time home and to his wife. Her little sister wasn’t interested, and took up design instead. Her little brother was interested, but wasn’t sure if he could dedicate himself fully to the Company. Ryan, however, decided to go and join her parents. The adventure sounded enticing, and Ryan, being uniquely gifted in strength and intelligence, would make a wonderful asset.

The Company was nothing like it seemed, though. Her parents flew too close to the sun, getting swallowed whole by work that it started to weave their minds into unhealthy thought paths and ideas. They were obsessed, became nosy, and eventually, vanished without a word. Ryan wasn’t so lucky to be as high up, and started off as just a company member meant to gather scrap. The first few days were fine… But the longer she and her crew were out, the longer they traveled, the further they went, things became dangerous. Monsters beyond her imagination would show up, and member after member, her crew kept dying off and being replaced with new, fresh blood. It had only been a few weeks, and Ryan has seen things she can never unsee. And just as they’re gearing up to go back out on a three day trek to meet quota, suddenly, all at once, Ryan wasn’t anywhere she’d ever seen before.

  powers / abilities: N/A

inherent abilities: Above average strength, above average intelligence

items / weapons: Flashlight

Stopsign

Airhorn

Zapgun

starting ability: N/A

starting item: Stopsign

  extra: 

Her favorite entity is the hoarder bug, she likes them and thinks they’re kinda cute

Their least favorite entity is coil head, she has nightmares about that thing

discord id: crew.member.moss

[musicgoon]

Book Review: A Holy Haunting, by Sam D. Kim

What is faith and where does it come from? Is faith just a whim? Or is there something deeper. In A Holy Haunting, Sam D. Kim shows “why faith isn’t a leap but a series of staggers from one safe place to another.”

Kim is the perfect author for this type of book. He is a Harvard-trained ethicist and a former research fellow at the Center for Bioethics at Harvard Medical School. He’s also the co-founder of 180 Church in downtown Manhattan and a recipient of the lifelong Learning Fellowship at Yale Divinity School and Yale Medicine, which aims to close the gap between faith and science. His background makes him the perfect person to help both skeptics and believers take a fresh look at faith. 

After a foreword by Leighton Ford, founding president of the Lausanne Movement, Kim shares a story of how he went from being a skeptic to a worshiper, although not in the typical way of religion. To illustrate, Kim writes how, growing up, he didn’t like girls at all—not until he found the one who would be the love of his life. Kim compares the change of loathing girls to liking girls — to spiritual rebirth. He refers to these inner workings of the soul — this transformative developmental process — as spiritual puberty. Salvation can be complex, and this book helps to make sense of the mess.

A Lifelong Longing

In Part 1, Kim defines biblical faith as a lifelong evolutionary longing to make meaning of human existence in light of a higher plane of reality. Kim speaks of the spiritual consciousness as a basic part of human development and how it is bridged with the academic disciplines of biology, psychology and theology. While this is a book that deals with heavy discussions, Kim remains conversational and sprinkles stories throughout his writing.

Part 2 discusses deconstruction and the need for a safe harbor for those who have been spiritually displaced. Kim is direct, yet kind. He tells of the beginnings of his own deconstruction when he doubted the reality of Heaven during his mother’s diagnosis of a stroke. I was most moved to read on how some who deconstruct choose to live as expats in a self-imposed exile. 

Kim goes on to explain how faith is not opposed to doubt. Reading this chapter made me more sensitive to those who are deconstructing, while also giving me points to discuss in conversation. 

When Faith Becomes Sight

Part 3 deals with four big questions and objections to the Christian faith: (1) Did God create the world? (2) Did Jesus of Nazareth really exist? (3) Are the gospels a reliable source? (4) Does God still speak today? 

In regards to the historical Jesus, I was most surprised to read that even the Talmud makes reference to Jesus. Furthermore, even non-Christian scholars argue for the existence of the historical Jesus. Finally, the pull of Jesus across generations and as the dominant figure of Western culture for the past 20 centuries is undeniable. 

The book concludes with a call to “cross the swamp” of doubt. He admits that conversion is less like a leap of blind faith and more like somehow mankind it from from one area of confidence to another 

Those who doubt their faith will find a friend in Kim. For firm believers, you will be equipped to come alongside those who struggle. My heart was moved to worship, thanking God for the gift of faith and anticipating the day for when my faith will become sight.

I received a media copy of A Holy Haunting and this is my honest review. Find more of my book reviews and follow Dive In, Dig Deep on Instagram - my account dedicated to Bibles and books to see the beauty of the Bible and the role of reading in the Christian life. To read all of my book reviews and to receive all of the free eBooks I find on the web, subscribe to my free newsletter.

[celestialpotat0]

I felt truly happy, the kind of happiness I can feel in my bones and radiates all around me. Most importantly, not forced. I wasn't forcing myself to feel happiness to try to push out negativity and pessimism and foreboding sadness. This feeling of true happiness has been more rare in the past year, and definitely rare during residency.

But I felt that happiness today and yesterday at least, and I want to capture it and keep it.

Friday after work, I cried and I felt like it came out of nowhere. Then Saturday, I felt really sad and empty walking around the mall, then felt better when I was out watching the World Series final while having a beer, then when I got home I cried again. I felt deep sadness, and it wasn't a specific event that triggered the crying episodes, just a lot of things all piled atop one another that made me feel a bit hopeless at the time, worried at the time that it didn't get better, that I wouldn't have been able to experience the ideal everything (working conditions, leisure, friendships, goals set for myself, the person I want to be, etc.) that I had imagined.

I don't know for sure what caused me to change from feeling inexplicably low on Fri/Sat to truly happy on Sun/Mon. I don't remember when the happiness started, but it was definitely there by the time I played tennis on Sunday. I think part of it has to do with successfully making myself exercise, dedicating time to soak in my love of the outdoors, and getting in that flow state focusing on the sport free of all other distractions. Maybe it had to do with voting before that. I was filling out my ballot and starting to get anxious that it was taking up too much time for me to read/research everything when I had so many other errands I needed to get done, but I forced myself to take the time to research everything and contribute my vote. More important to do the things that matter than errands that just benefit myself. Maybe just letting it all out of my system from the crying on Saturday made me feel better?

Aside from that, what also has been contributing to my happiness is remembering the perspective of how lucky I am simply to be alive. Went out to dinner on Friday night, on the way back to the apartment a really long stretch of the street was completely blocked off, many police cars. Had to take a very circuitous route to get back home, the detour jammed with cars because they were all diverted from the closed-down street. Found out on Sunday after tennis was over that a car accident had occurred there on Friday where the street closure was. According to witnesses, a car was hella speeding while racing and crashed into another car. Both parents in the non-speeding car died, their two kids in the car survived. All 3 passengers in the allegedly racing car survived. It's heartbreaking that two people who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time died like that.

The crash happened MINUTES after I was at that exact spot on that street driving to dinner on Friday.

I expected way too much in the past. Now I'm so happy just to be alive! It was tough getting out of bed this morning, Monday, ew right? But I told myself how much of a privilege it is to even be able to wake up another day at 6:30am after not enough sleep and go to work. I stopped complaining to myself today. How lucky I am to be able to taste this cafeteria food. I sprinted all the way to work with backpack on today to make it on time, because the shuttle that takes me drove away from me while I was running toward the shuttle stop. The driver saw me and didn't want to wait lolz, and usually I'm slightly annoyed at the circumstances. But today I truly felt so happy and positive, savoring the great exercise I got for sprinting to work.

I practiced Nutcracker last night, and today I was really stoked for ballet class and rehearsal. I felt so invigorated. usually I'm burnt out from work, I just want to collapse on my couch after work and I'm not exactly excited to leave my apt for another few hours working my ass off in ballet. But I was really excited today. Not because today was any more special than other days in ballet, but rather because of my attitude. And then I felt really happy and in love with the movement and being alive during class and rehearsal. I used to feel this deep gratitude and happiness bursting out of me often. So thankful that it's coming back.

Also, I was originally going to take a weekend trip to Santa Cruz this past weekend, but cancelled because the rain forecast ruined plans to hike. I would just like to say that this past weekend not traveling was AMAZING and I need more weekends like this. I got my bivalent COVID booster, got car maintenance done, assessed and decided on health insurance plan for the new year, reviewed my plan for saving $ for retirement, finally got around to mailing in my ballot, practiced Nutcracker extensively, played tennis, did some intense moisturizing for my eczema, and was craving a healthful home-cooked dinner so spent $36 on high-quality salmon to cook. Every single one of those things had been something I'd been putting off "until I have more free time," and I got around to them this weekend. I'm just writing this so I can convince myself in the future that having a weekend with no events is so beneficial for my mental health.

Unfortunately, the next time I have 2 days off where I have no big plans is mid-December after my Nutcracker shows are over. I need to have more weekends like this. It was incredible for me to be able to feel like I had a restful weekend.

[littleeyesofpallas]

Stupid exercise in futility but trying to nail down some sense of order within the Gotei 13.

Squad 1 as best as we ever knew was Yamamoto, Sasakibe, and Okikiba, three old men... Maybe they're all old because they've all just been at it for just as long a time, but I like to think that squad 1 is just the retire to a desk job squad for the gotei, so it's full of retirees.

But then Shunsui and Nanao get thrown in there to resume capt. and lt. duties basically just by way of Shunsui's senority. He definitely steps up to the task given the needs of the plot, but it would have been nice to see more of a total shift in personality once slacking off ceases to be a real option.

So as far as we know this squad is largely administrative and political. Whatever it is that unites the other 12 squads, and gives the Gotei as a whole direction comes from Squad 1. Presumably Squad 1 also directly negotiates relations with the Central 46 and the Royal Families.

We also know Genryusai is the founder of the Shinigami Academy that trains new shinigami, but it's unclear if he still had any direct interaction himself.

Squad 2 we know was initially just a "militia" which makes sense as a top priority in the Gotei's formation. But Yoruichi's ascent to head of her family, her family's secret police, and 2nd squad captain merged said militia with the Shihouin Family's special forces. The special forces seem to thus recruit from/thru the 2nd Squad now.

They consist of what are basically ninja police, patrolling, surveilling, arresting, and detaining. I kind of hate that they exist the way they do because they seem to just be a giant redundancy within the Gotei; various things the gotei would sensibly have specialized departments for that might be squad specific duties, the onmitsukido seem to have their own subdivisions handling already...

Squad 3 we have no damn clue about.... They're really never elaborated on in any meaningful way under any particular captain...

Squad 4 is all medical. Thank god this one's nice cut and dry. We know they have both nurses in dedicated medical facilities within the seireitei as well as field medics in 14 different subdivisions. It is not clear if those subdivisions have any specialized roles. They attend to prisoners as well as active duty shinigami that they follow out into the field. It is questionable if they offer any services to the souls in the rukongai, although Jidanbo's complete neglect would suggest not.

Squad 5 has no explicit roles or duties shown throughout the series. But there is some suggestion that they could be the gotei's liason with the academy, or otherwise something like HR, dealing with assigning incoming shinigami to squads and filling squad needs for personel.

We know Aizen had a hand in shuffling Renji, Kira, and Momo around in their early days with the Gotei, but it's unclear if those were attributable to his Captain rank in general, or if he did so in his capacity as 5th captain specifically.

Alternatively it could be something that would cover the information and resources that facilitated Aizen's specialized research into hollows, but there's not a lot to go off of there.

Squad 6 also has no clear roles.

They went to the human world to apprehend Rukia, but that feels more in line with Byakuya's personal responsibilities than his squad's.

The position appears to have been passed down several generations in the Kuchiki family.

We also know they have their own jail cells, and its not made clear if that's something every squad has although it very well might be. But given Byakuya's fixation on law, it's possible the 6th Squad is specialized in some form of law enforcement: tracking down, apprehending, criminal shinigami like Rukia, and detaining insubordinates like Renji.

Squad 7 is yet another super vague one. All we really know is that Komamura and Tetsuzaemon operate akin to a yakuza boss and underling, and that Komamura values loyalty above all else. Between Tetsuzaemon's name, his predecessor Jinnemon's name(which both refer to "gates" and contribute to the yakuza aesthetic) and Komamura's affinity for heavy armor, it's possible they are a defensive focused group. But what kind of actual responsibility that would entail under normal circumstances is super unclear.

No idea what Love lends to any of this.

Curiously, the Gate Guardians would presumably be part of a squad if they aren't their own independent force, but it's not clear whose squad they'd belong to if they belong to any at all. But Jidanbo's little brother Jirobo was part of 7th Squad. (Although once they brought up the that walls and gates surround the King's Realm normally... which makes very little sense anyway... it would suggest the Gate Guardians hang out up in the Royal Realm under normal circumstances???)

Squad 8's responsibilities are also just never really addressed.

Whatever it is the squad does, Nanao's the one doing it, so possibly something fitting her bookish demeanor more than Shunsui's?

With Shunsui's slacking there's no reason to suspect that any part of the squad's duties particularly suit him. And whatever Nanao did as his lt. Lisa had done before her, and resumed doing as new captain once Shunsui moved to 1st squad. But then Lisa's demeanor is, superficially at least, identical to Nanao's. So that doesn't really add any clues.

Squad 9 has some clues, but none that really add up.

We know they run the cultural magazine on the side.

We know Kensei ran them like a biker gang in the past.

We know they were the ones sent to investigate when shinigami disappeared in the rukongai.

So it's possible they could be the vanguard? Either like scouts or as the first line of defense? Feels redundant with Squad 2's spec.ops. patrol squad though, but again most of 2nd squad's existence as a partially independent organization suggests they just internally do all the same things the gotei does more broadly...

The biker gang thing would sort of suggest high mobility as a specialty skill/group tactic?

Squad 10 unclear.

Hitsugaya's got a whole boy detective thing going on in the SS arc, but that might be circumstantial to the conspiracy plot and not related to his duties as 10th captain. Plus more of a personal character quirk than a job role.

Matsumoto does not appear to be an asset to these duties in any case.

The late addition of Isshin also does not make clear much of anything.

We know they received some kind of casualty reports but it seems like they weren't reports from their own squad. (the reports were filed late due to Isshin and Rangiku's shirking, but if their own squad members had been dead and missing for months surely they'd have noticed.)

We know Hitsugaya was the supervising captain in the Karakura stakeout after the first Arrancar attacks. But it's super unclear what the process there really was; he may have opted into it as a personal matter wanting to deal with Aizen's affairs, and it sounded like the other team members had been selected first and independent of his command. So not clear if any of it really aligns with his squad duties even remotely...

Squad 11 is nice and simple. The fighters of the Gotei wind up here. But notably not the formal militia that make up squad 2, even before the incorporation of the shihouin spec.ops.

Given the general thuggishness and wild demeanor of the most of the squad it's possibly these are categorized by kill count or otherwise fight record and not by qualifications of formalized training. That or their overall tone is a result of Zaraki specifically being their captain and previous iterations didn't necessarily have the same delinquent vibes.

Squad 12 is Research & Development. Nice and simple.

Given Hikifune's role as creator of the Soul Candies prior to Urahara's remodeling of the squad, and her subsequent focus on food as part of the Royal Guard, it sounds like they were always a group outfitted for mass production of synthetic goods, Urahara just happened to modernize their process from what was likely a more traditional arts kind of focus into something more industrial.

Given the importance of food and hunger as correlated to the emergence of spirit powers in Soul Society that kind of role within the gotei is actually a lot more important than it sounds. I again turn to my tangential speculation and head canon that specialized food in soul society relates to size relates to spirit power, as exhibited in Hacchi's inhuman size(over 8 feet tall) and themes of food in parts of his name and powers, which in turn points back to the gargantuan gate guardians.

Despite being one of the squads with the most intimate focus, Squad 13 is yet another super unclear one.

We know they deployed Rukia, afro guy, and Ryuunosuke & Shino to Karakura.

We know Ukitake gave Ichigo the substitutes badge, and that Ginjo seemed to know Ukitake personally, likely thru the substitute shinigami position as well.

Together those facts might suggest they're specifically the ones in charge of human world activities; whether that's something that would be focused on slaying hollows, rescuing humans and ghosts, or delivering ghosts to Soul Society first with the others as incidental responsibilities is unclear.

Also the Royal Guard were presumably all previous captains of Yamamoto's earliest iteration of the Gotei 13, which suggests that whatever role they filled then were the basis of the squads going forward.

So is there a squad that specializes in clothes that Shutara had founded? (i want to say 8th personally)

One in charge of distributing the asauchi to new shinigami that had been Ohetsu's old squad?

Kirinji seems to have implicitly been the original 4th captain while Unohana had been 11th.

And what about Ichibee's prolific set of skills? His knowledge of true names, theme of rakugo wordplay, theme of calligraphy, and joining theme of artisan monks all seem to suggest he was the original Kido specialist, turning truth into words into poems/chants into magic. But his name also means "military commander" which could suggest he ran the standard militia at the time before they were merged with Shihouin special ops.

edit: right i guess this whole bit has been debunked since the random release of the original gotei roster

And on the subject of the Royal Guard, what is up with their random subordinates, whom I assume live with them on the big city plates in the Royal Realm? Are they shinigami? Are they considered part of the Royal Guard? And is the Royal Guard still part of the Gotei? The Captains are clearly of a higher authority, as is the group itself, but the captains were "promoted" from within the gotei, and share the captain coats, as well as the Gotei diamond insignia. Which begs the question, are the inhabitants of the Royal Realm thus also elevated Gotei members? Or is it an entire literally stratified upper class, (somehow even above the royals and lesser nobility that inhabit the seireitei) who have families and children and communities within the Royal Realm without ever having the go through the academy or gotei service?

(I think the obvious answer is that Kubo did not think it through and that the contradictions just need to be ignored)

Also the Kidou Corps is in there some place outside of the gotei proper yet apparently still abiding a capt.+lt. system of command...(although that feels like a half assed addition of the TBtP more than anything sensible) They have their own jailers that handled Rukia and Aizen, and a separate type of uniformed member that handled the execution ceremony after Rukia was delivered from her cell.

Their uniforms are different from standard shinigami and distinctly monk and even nun like which would have suggested they functioned not dissimilarly to the warrior monk and general buddhist temple during warring states era, where they were considered autonomous from the military caste structure of the samurai and imperial court.

They also supposedly operate the gates to the human world.

And then the late addition of Tessai and Hacchi in formal captain & lt. roles introduced a set of totally different uniforms that are just a coat and mantle over basic shihakusho. Again this feels like a crappy halfbaked idea rather than something that adheres to the established aesthetic of the kidou corps at all.

And the Central 46 all wear shihakusho, despite their apparent nonmilitary role in Soul Society, and autonomous structure outside the Gotei.

Aizen also seemed to suggest that it's possible for Gotei captains to be promoted to the Central 46, and we've seen several of them are elderly, so it's possible the previous captains from Yamamoto's generation are/were among them. Curiously, the Central 46 aren't specifically all elderly when we see the aftermath of Aizen's slaughter, but in the TBtP sidestory the few we see the faces of are specifically much older than basically any other shinigami we see outside of Yamamoto and squad 1.

Yhwach also distinctly calls out the Gotei as having grown weak in peace time since his original invasion 1000 years prior, which suggests that there wouldn't be much cause for casualties among the captains in that time, save the Kenpachi in squad 11 killing eachother in succession. So, the turn over of captains might be accounted for by Central 46 promotions.

[strampunch]

“Labours of Love”

Summer Holmestice 2021 for “Ghostbees” 

After my giftee ( @ghostbees ) mentioned "scrapbooking" and "English paper piecing" I went down a rabbithole of research and learnt about this wonderful quilting technique.

From the EQS website: "English Paper Piecing is a method of quilting that involves using a paper shape, most commonly a hexagon, to add stability to the quilt. The quilt is hand stitched with pieces of fabric cut a ¼ inch bigger than the paper shape. The fabric is basted to the paper shapes before the shapes are sewn together. Once the quilt top is completed the papers are removed." The technique dates from 1770s and was popular during the early 1800s in the UK, then in the mid 19th century in the US and it made a comeback during the Great Depression of the 1930s, when the pattern was called in the sewing magazines "Grandma's Flower Garden", but before that it was simply known as hexagonal pattern or (you guessed it) honeycomb pattern. The paper used for these quilts were usually recycled from newspapers or scrapped letters, and the fabric used to come from old garments that had seen better days, and since a lot of the times the paper was simply left in these quilts are marvelous time capsules that contain a wealth of information about the person who made them and their environment. I encourage you to look up English paper piecing (EPP) quilts from the early Victorian decades, they're fascinating!

So this little series of illustrations shows Watson dealing with Holmes still indulging in scrapbooking, and how the doctor picks up the discarded pieces and their old 221B era clothes to make something entirely new and uniquely theirs.

1. I keep seeing lovely examples of Victorian silk braces with floral embroidery and I couldn’t resist giving the boys some fancy ones. Also I know that a bright pink and blue shirt is probably not too historically accurate 1910s but screw it, trans flag shirt colours!

2. I both hate and love drawing furniture. Footstools/ottomans are cute, though.

3. “My dear fellow, if you didn’t spend all morning in bed instead of reading the newspaper as soon it arrives all of this could be avoided.”  Also Holmes is wearing a silk piano shawl because what are gender norms?

4. Holmes not only uses newspaper clippings for scrapbooking, but per Ghostbees’ suggestion I looked briefly into the Victorian hobby of pressing and collecting seaweed and I think it would be a fantastic subject for Holmes to branch out to (especially if there’s any poisonous types).

5. Old dressing gowns and blankets that have seen better days. The moths got ahold of them but I’m pretty sure the constant chemical experiments back at 221B claimed more than one victim. 

6. I got a bit carried away with the ink and gouache here. But it was fascinating to see the first published patterns in magazines making their appearance, especially in publications aimed at women that contained a wide range of home-related subjects. 

7. Someone in the Dreamwidth website pointed out that both Holmes and Watson are working on beehives and that warmed my heart. One interesting bit about EPP is that the paper can be left inside the quilt, so historians have been able to gather very detailed information about the person who crafted these pieces and their life. 

8. Oh god so many hexagons. Here’s an example of one of those magazines with patterns and instructions. 

9. I had too much fun giving them embroidered slippers. It’s a shame I overdid the watercolours and turned out quite muddy, but I would love to draw their clothes in more detail in the future.

10. Smooch! (Also the paisley trim is my favourite part) 

11. Initially I wanted this story to end in a picnic at Beachy Head, until I was told that quilts aren’t picnic blankets and are more appropriate for domestic use only. You still get to see some of the cliffs at least!

12. Another accidental discovery during my research: pickle and marmalade jars! I could draw a hundred of them and not get tired. That little spoon! Ugh!

13. I will never not cry about these two old fools in love. 

14. Cross stitching and lettering isn’t my forte, nor is Watson’s, but I saw several quilts had names sewn into one panel, almost like a painter signing their canvas, or dedicating  the piece to a loved one. So you know I had to add this little detail, plus some green carnations for extra queerness, a forget-me-not flower and a plump bee because I have to be extra. 

Looking back this is one of the things I’m the most proud of that I have made this year, or even longer. I work digitally for my job and I miss the feel of traditional materials, so this was a project that let me flex those watercolour muscles and try gouache for the first time. All while drawing incredibly indulgent things, so thank you Basil for giving me an excuse to have some fun. 

[nemeseos-noctua]

Here's the other: How'd they react to their S/O who cherishes their gift given by their beloved so much, that one day the gift was destroyed by a hilichurl and they went so livid they practically fought the creatures to death and threw them to a lake somewhere, and sulked the whole how they don't deserve them anymore cuz of how careless they were. For Razor, Albedo and Xiao 👉👈

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: razor, albedo, xiao (separate) x gn!reader

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: not proofread, mc is referenced as an alchemist/adventurer in albedo’s, one swear word in xiao’s

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒: im EMBARRASSED at how long this is and how MEANINGLESS THE WRITING IS IM SO SORRY 

he made you a paw-shaped clay sculpture!

it was cute and small, fitting right into the palm of your hands

to others—it may look like some worn-down toy, but to you, it was a good luck charm from the ever-cute razor

but perhaps, it wasn’t quite the clay-shape that you held close to your heart... no, it was the strenuous effort razor put into sculpting the paw

you remember it vividly. how the boy would dig his hands into mud and sit under the burning sun, carving the dirt with his bare fingers as he hid the gift from your sight

so when a good-for-nothing hilichurl decides razor’s paw-shape charm was a nice pebble for hot potato... boy were you livid

Patting the ground beside you, [e/c] eyes widened upon the feeling of nothing but grass.

What...? Peering over, you stared blankly at the empty space, comical arrows pointing at the now-gone charm you had received from Razor. Just where was it? You swore it was right beside you...

And as if Barbatos were laughing at you, the wind blew, burning your eyes as the sight of mitachurls and hilichurls danced around the fire in the distance, tossing what looked like a rock into the air.

Ah. 

You blinked.

That was the charm Razor made.

first of all... how did the hilichurl get it? the charm was literally right beside you!

agh, whatever.

you’ll just retrieve it. easy, right?

no.

first of all, your power would literally turn the lush grass into a desolate canyon (not really). second of all, you’d probably end up destroying the paw in your rampage

hah...

—if the hilichurl didn’t destroy it first

Materializing your weapon, you couldn’t help but hope that the paw had miraculously survived the impact of a hilichurl throwing it against the floor.

Hah, what were you thinking? Of course it didn’t... physics just didn’t allow it.

But you know what physics did allow? Why, beating these enemies to a pulp, of course!

once you floored the hilichurls, you quickly scrambled as to look for signs of the paw anywhere

berating yourself as to how utterly foolish you were for letting it go and leaving it unguarded in the first place, you stared in defeat at the sight of crumbled clay and hardened dirt in the grass of the hilichurl camp

why? why were you so careless? seriously, how did this happen? if you had just kept it in your backpack like a regular person, razor’s hard-earned hours and craft would still be as grand as ever-

“[y/n]?”

Blinking, you hadn’t realized you had been sulking in the midst of this hilichurl camp. [E/C] eyes lifted up, widening once they had landed on none other than Razor, his crimson eyes like the agates that littered Dragonspine, his hair as grey as stormclouds.

“Ah... Razor...” You smiled in exasperation, staring at anywhere but said boy. How could you face him after watching his clay paw get destroyed by some measly hilichurls?

“Are you okay?” He asked, glancing around at the scene before him. The grass wilted, the camp that he remembered being obnoxiously loud and disturbing was silent and empty.

“Yeah, no biggie,” Waving off his concern, you began to walk away, your heart sinking with each step.

First, you let his gift get destroyed. Second, you walk away from him.

You were such a terrible partn—

“[Y/N]?” Razor’s voice cut through the air, a tension you had created solely on the thoughts of your own mind. Gripping your wrist with a tender touch, you didn’t fail to notice the way his eyes drooped down ever so slightly.

“Did I... make lupical mad?”

Gulping, you quickly waved your hands in front of your face, eyes widened as you tried to carefully explain the series of events that had just led down to this very moment.

“I—well, you see, your uh, paw-clay-thingy... I was careless and I—“

“Break it while hunting?” Razor answered, tilting his head as his hold merely stayed still, not wavering for a second, as if you were a boar in his hands.

“Ah...” 

Razor was much better at observation than you had thought.

“It’s okay. I make more for lupical,” Razor nodded, already beginning to pace over to a pond as he dipped his gloved hands into the water, wafting around for dirt as you rushed up behind him.

“Wait! But I was careless... you don’t need to make ano—“

“It’s for lupical. Lupical close, I give lupical gift that never break.”

Everlasting—that was what he wanted to make.

And a part of you couldn’t help but agree.

albedo, in all of his alchemy prowess, made you an artificial flower

how? don’t ask him. he’ll spew some lengthy thesis and paragraph about the fundamentals, the research, the prototype, the testing, the—

ahem, anyways!

you had never intended to bring it outside. but one day, you had left your camp under the supervision of barbatos (wow go barbatos) and ventured off to fetch some materials

and when you came back? you were met with the sight of hilichurls and slimes raving around your tent

what the—

“I...I’m hallucinating,” You deadpanned, slapping your wrist at the sight of pyro slimes and masked hilichurls dancing around your tent, the inside of your humble abode moving around as if it were possessed.

And the cherry on top? A pyro abyss mage emerged, the flower floating besides it. But oh boy, it was no flower anymore... it was a flaming flower.

At that moment, you were left to ponder. Maybe, just maybe, you kinned a whopperflower at that point. Because oh boy did your temper and sanity explode on those little enemies, the way your blade sunk into their forms—

you were already planning your apology to albedo. he trusted you and loved you enough to make an artificial flower for you... and yet, it so pitifully crumbled at your touch

okay, not quite your touch. but it crumbled at the ugly pyro abyss mage’s touch

so, as any good s/o would do, you sulked while rebuilding your camp. it’s okay. as long as albedo didn’t know his creation was charred, all would be well. besides! he was quite a busy man! chances were low that he’d discover!

busy, he was, observant, he is

perhaps, you should’ve known

“Ah... hi Albedo,” You winced, opening your tent to smile at the alchemist who merely stared at you.

“You were gone for a while. Is everything okay?” He noted, remembering your absence from visiting his own camp at Dragonspine. As an alchemist, he knew what it was like being holed up in a camp. But for two weeks? Even he needed breaks.

“Well, you see... I was out... gathering materials! Yes!” You gave him a weak thumbs-up, wailing internally once his piercing azure eyes trailed around your camp, noting that nothing looked new. 

 “You don’t need to lie to me, [Y/N]. Is something the matter?”

“I’m sorry!” You cut off, clapping your hands together in a prayer-like position, guilt welling up in the pit of your stomach.

“...Why?”

“Your flower—I left it unsupervised and it was set aflame and I’m so so so sor—“

“Don’t be.”

Mouth dropping, you stared up at the male, an amused expression painting his face like the canvases he dedicated to you.

“At least you were not hurt while it was set aflame. Come, I’ll show you how to make some more,” Opening your tent for you all the way, Albedo held a hand out to you, eyes flickering in mirth.

“And next time, don’t try to run away from your problems.”

“You cheeky littl—“ A blush of both embarrassment and fluster formed on your face, shocked at his sudden remark.

he made you an adepti amulet

enhanced with super-cool-adepti-no-mortal-can-have power, xiao had informed you that all you needed to do was hold up the amulet and it’d scare any kind of enemies away!

cool, right? too bad you left it unattended while fighting the irritable anemo cube! now it’s at the bottom of the sea <3

how did this happen, exactly? well... you see... when wind picks up and becomes strong... light-weight objects will fly up into the air!

and sometimes, those light weight objects will fall into the sea, and sometimes, those objects would be gifts from your adeptus boyfriend who was waiting for you back at wangshu inn—

ahem. anyways. you beat the crap out of the anemo cube (aka, beth. aka, tornado cube. aka, cube waifu)

I should just... not go back to Wangshu Inn today. Haha... I’ll go ask Katheryne for a commission... You nodded, stuffing the turquoise shards of wind into your pockets, your bags filled with mora and enhancement ores being thrown off the side of the cliff.

—Along with the adepti amulet Xiao had made for you.

Seriously... you still had to wonder just how that happened! One second, you were avoiding getting sucked up by the vent of the anemo cube... and the next, your bag was traveling the world!

Can’t have shit in Teyva—

Trekking back to Mondstadt in defeat, you were innocently oblivious to the worry of the Yaksha back in Liyue.

are they okay? do they need help? did they go to dragonspine? all these questions spun around xiao’s head as he watched the moon rise, his mask dissipating into the wind

you told him you’d return tonight... yet you hadn’t. and a part of him had wished you hadn’t left liyue, so he had at least some control over whatever dangers dared to attack you

but, he knew you were strong. why else would he love you, anyway? he does not find appeal in being the savior 24/7

so, he waits. atop the balcony of wangshu inn, across the stars and moon, he prays to his archon, wishing—no, hoping you arrive safely

And—you did. You arrived back at Wangshu Inn.

... Three weeks later.

“You’re late. Very late,” Xiao’s voice blared in your ears, a blessing and a curse all at the same time. You didn’t know how to tell him the amulet was thrown off a cliff—but at the same time, you really wanted to run your fingers through his hair.

“Haha... sorry about that,” You laughed awkwardly, scratching the back of your head as Xiao merely grumbled, appearing before you with a piercing stare.

“Where were you? You did not even send me a letter.”

“I’m sorry... it’s just... eh... well...” You looked away, your heart churning against your ribs as Xiao extended his index finger out, tilting your chin to face him.

“What?” He asked, his tone harsh yet soft, longing yet logical.

“I uh... kind of... lost your adepti amulet... I’m sorry.”

He blinked.

“You waited three weeks to tell me that?” He asked in disbelief, almost in disappointment. Seriously, he was an adeptus! A Yaksha, at that! He could’ve just made another one for you... But nooo... you decided to wait three weeks in the land of the free (America?) and then worry him to death.

“Mortals...” Xiao muttered under his breath, crossing his arms with a huff as he turned his head away, the wind picking up.

“Hey, wait! Aren’t you going to say anything? Like a disappointed lecture or something?”

“No.”

Disappearing, you facepalmed, already pulling out some sweetflowers and milk to whip up some almond tofu.

Damn that adeptus. Who was he to tug your heartstrings like that?

You sighed, sitting beside a cooking pot as lingering yellow eyes watched your form, their irises softening at the sight.

— constellations! 💫