#the trauma of watching their friend die (from their view point) and the treatment they recieved afterwards

[i-mean-technically]

some more thoughts about this:

Sentinel is going to be experiencing the most dramatic change in personality/character growth. ofc our beloved Op os also going to be having different experiences and therefore growth (in which direction is up to chance). but rn we're talking about our favorite asshole, Sentinel.

he's completely destroyed by Ultra Magnus, lost someone he would call family later on after many tough conversations and learning that there's more out there than someone's worth, and honestly probably doesn't even have his rank anymore. maybe Optimus keeps his bc of Magnus' favoritism, and another thing for Sentinel to focus on instead of his grief and trauma.

(maybe these three cadets were an experiment, past the test of Arachna 9. the lost of one promising up and comer is less than ideal, but these 2... these 2 need to be watched. but why? :3)

Sentinel has all of these emotions now, and only Optimus as his anchor and punching bag. (Optimus' everything needs to be its own post).

Optimus is the link and the reason, as he's ignoring his own culpability in the situation.

the first emotion, after they get kicked out, is denial. denial about what happened, about what they did, in what his hero just did. it manages to push past the shock.

"T-They can't do that! We're part of the Machine! We don't deserve this!"

Elita probably was given some sort of memorial/a rank post mortem, and then immediately pushed to the side and forcibly forgotten. Which adds to Sentinel's sort-of mental break. no one but him and Optimus, and ofc Magnus and some of the Council, know about what happened. Or even think about Elita at all besides a brief note in the history books about what happens when you don't follow orders.

the second emotion is rage, which he takes out on himself and on Optimus. rage is a useful emotion in his mind bc he can use it. what use is grief and sadness and confusion when anger makes him stronger?

but rage doesn't last long, especially someone raised like Sentinel was as an Autobot. depression is quick to follow. but Optimus is once again his savior and keeps him moving.

if Magnus gives Op and Senti jobs to keep tabs on them, OP makes sure that they do it. he keeps Senti alive.

that's all either one of them can do for a while.

[astroninaaa]

Hot take: Tommy played a huge part in why Tubbo is suicidal like that. Here, I said it.

Imo Tubbo defo internalized the "discs are worth more then you ever were!" and "if discs don't matter, then why any of this matters?" lines.

Tubbo also possibly (aka most likely) blames himself for the Exile, especially after saw the pillar, while (bonus hot take) Tommy really fucked up those negotiations himself.

Tommy is not the only one to blame, Wilbur, Dream, Quackity, Technoblade are there too.

/rp /dsmp

i personally think this is one of the most interesting hot takes i've ever received.

for one, i'd like to say i agree with it, but i don't think that'd be true. while i do believe tommy's fussing over the discs + the way he seems to not see or recognize how tubbo's trauma affects his day to day life hurt tubbo, i don't think tommy does it on purpose and therefore i think it's unfair to blame him for it. also, tubbo definitely blames himself for exile and for most of tommy's pain, partially because of how tommy ("i'd never do this to you", "you're a monster", "tubbo, you can't do this”) and his cabinet ("you're literally acting like schlatt right now", "tubbo, you can't do this", "tubbo, this is your fault") reacted to it on the first place.

other characters have a tendency to demonize tubbo, and that's because, differently from most other characters in the smp, tubbo makes most of his decisions from a rational viewpoint, not from an emotional one. by nature, he's someone who relies on critical thinking and logicality - of course everyone was mad at him for exile, how could he do that to his best friend? however, tubbo didn't exile his best friend: he weighted two different decisions and chose the one that would protect his country while exiling a l'manburg citizen. tubbo didn't exile his best friend, he protected his country. that's how he makes decisions. sadly (and understandably) most characters don't get that, and so they get mad at him for it. he then proceeds to internalize that and hates himself even more.

i don't think tommy played a huge part on it because i believe tubbo's suicidal tendencies come from a feeling of disposibility, not of tommy's treatment of him. it doesn't come from his cabinet's treatment of him, it doesn't come from new l'manburg, it doesn't come from the disc war. all those things contributed, yes, but i think the matter runs deeper.

i think tubbo first started to believe he was disposable during the final control room. eret was someone he trusted deeply, someone he'd die for, someone who killed him in the pursuit of power. back then, tubbo was nothing but a mere sacrifice for something more important. god, no one even cared about it, because fundy was a child and wilbur was a leader terribly betrayed by his own and tommy died a second time in less than an hour and tubbo needed to be level, and rational, and calm. there were more important things at hand. he was disposable, everyone else wasn't, he needed to think.

(or at least that's what he believed in)

it carried on to l'manburg. wilbur himself admitted to not being the best leader to tubbo he could've been, and, while wilbur cared about him, tommy was the one he called brother. i believe tubbo internalized that quite a bit - he was not the first choice, not to anyone.

(he was to tommy, of course, but tubbo never realized that. he never saw it, and he kept not seeing it until he was almost murdered and tommy begged for his best friend's life in dream's vault. i think he still doesn't see it.)

tubbo was a trophy to schlatt. he was a symbol of schlatt's victory, of his power, something to hold close and shove into pogtopia's faces. not important, not a person, but a pawn, a piece easy to move and to kill in the grand scheme of things. tubbo was a spy but he still cared for schlatt, and he was still proud of being called a right-hand man. he was made as a clown, decorating his own execution and going down with a bang. wilbur didn't come for him. tommy didn't come for him (he wanted to, but tubbo didn't know that). quackity stood by and watched. everyone stood by and watched. technoblade betrayed him because there were more important things in sight, and his death was a good way of swaying the manburg citizens against schlatt.

i think tubbo thought he deserved it, in a way. for not being good enough. wilbur didn't trust him, schlatt made him believe he was cared for and then made him die beautifully, colorfully, publicly. he immediately forgave techno because there was no point in being mad over it- he wasn't the important one in the story. he wasn't the main character. in the big picture, tubbo saw himself as disposable.

and tubbo could see the big picture from the start. he's one of the most rational characters in this entire story for a reason.

it didn't stop, not for a second. he was elected president of a crater and he wasn't enough to fix it. everyone ordered him around because he was sure he wasn't good enough to make decisions himself. he exiled his best friend and tried to tell himself it was the right choice no matter how much it hurt and no matter how much he was yelled at. he tried to execute technoblade and it tasted bitter and wrong on his tongue but, in the grand scheme of things, he kept doing everything wrong and if quackity told him technoblade was still a threat then he was probably right. ranboo betrayed him and he instantly forgave him because he knew it was for good reason, because he wasn't good enough. his best friend called him a monster and he agreed. dream humiliated him and he agreed. no one came for him. everyone stood by and watched, just like they did in his execution.

they stood by and watched because they knew he deserved it, he thinks. they must know he deserves it, because he knows, as well.

tubbo's suicidal tendencies stem from a feeling of unimportance, of the certainty that if he died it'd be okay and make no difference at all. it might advance plot, even, and, while tommy and quackity and dream and wilbur and everyone contributed to his train of thought, at the end of the day it just circles back to the fact tubbo is too self-aware, too rational - the war, the hunger, the pain, they all made him like that and now he understands. he understands schlatt never cared. he understands eret was willing to sacrifice him. he understands dream manipulated him. he understands that, to a lot of people, he's just a pawn.

and he accepts it. he accepts it, and he's willing to die for it. he'd like to die for it, actually, because then maybe it won't hurt anymore. maybe he won't have to understand it anymore.

tubbo has a skewed view of himself and the world around him caused by trauma. he presents that trauma in a way no other character does, and so everyone thinks that trauma doesn't exist and unknowingly contribute to it. it's unfair to say tommy played a huge part on how suicidal tubbo is because it runs deeper, it holds stronger. it comes from the inside out, from tubbo analysing the world around him and understanding how everything works because he's a rational character by nature. he's the one who does math, who builds nukes, who manages to rebuild entire countries in a matter of days. he knows what games they're playing and in the big picture (the one he sees so clearly, even tho tainted by his messed up perception of himself) he's just a pawn, and, if he dies, it doesn't matter. it just doesn't matter.

tommy contributes to it. as did quackity, and wilbur, and schlatt, and eret, and fundy, and dream, and even sapnap. however, tubbo's suicidal tendencies are a lot more complex than just that.

send me a hot take!!!

[hford0311]

He's Back

*Where the reader is also from the 1940s, and is now a part of the Avengers. Now, she has learned to deal with her displacement in time and moved on from the idea of love, especially after the death of her love, Bucky. Until, one day Steve calls for an emergency meeting where her world is turned around. Word Count: 2.2k*

Whispers were indistinctive around the Avengers Tower that you could never end up being a part of. When you made your entrances in different rooms, people would instantly stop talking, even if you were nearly silent coming in the room.

"Okay!" You exclaimed and threw a glass cup in the sink when it happened once again. "Do I need to set up a meeting, so I can be told what's being whispered around or something?" You yelled at Nat, Tony, and Bruce. They were shocked by your response. "I'm tired of this stupid silent treatment." You added, almost panting in anger. "Y/n," Bruce started to speak before the other pair in the room shot him disapproving looks. "No, tell me, Bruce. I can handle it." You stated. "Yeah, the cup can really tell that you can handle something," Tony dully remarked. "So you're going to stop everything to make sure that I do not know the stupid secret that everyone else in the tower gets to know but me. Cool, thanks, Tony," you stomped out of the room.

Steve was gone, the only person from your time, and he was the only person that you could confide in at times. You were also from the 1940s. You were friends with Steve and actually Bucky's girl up until his death in 1945. You were a nurse during the war. They shipped you off to Germany. There, you were one of the captured nurses that were forced to treat the German soldiers, and HYDRA decided that you were useful enough to keep around for decades. On and off ice for decades.

You kept messaging Steve to know when he was going to be back and where he had gone. It took hours for him for him to respond Emergency Meeting at 8. You tried knowing the content of the meeting, but he did not give you a response. You huffed and stayed put in your room until 7:55. That's when you walked into the main living area, where everyone was surrounded, including Steve. There was chatter, they obviously have not noticed you yet, this time. Steve asked everyone to back up and give them room. Them? You mentally questioned, who else is here?

The mini crowd back up and dispersed more in the living room. That's when you saw him. You were slightly embarrassed yourself when you noticed how you had pinched yourself. When you met his eyes, you felt time slow. He was not paying attention to anyone else either. You walked a few steps closer, "Hey, Sarge," you gently said. Bucky's body and face softened at your voice. "Long time, no see," you gave him a small smile. You could tell he wanted to reach out to you, but something was holding him back. Suddenly, you felt your stomach drop and a large amount of feelings suddenly attack you. For over half a century, you've known of his death, and it took you so long to accept that he was dead. Now, everything had backfired. All of that had now changed. You felt yourself beginning to sob. Bucky, your Bucky is alive. "This can't be real," you whispered and ran to your room.

The nightmares came back to you. There were incredibly recurring and were from your, what you call, main past being the 1940s and 1950s. However, they did not just include the horrible reliving the past like they used to be when you experienced them before. They included the screams and cries from Bucky to you. Your name and cries for help kept repeating, but you could never find where they were coming from until it was all dead silent, and you awoke panting and sweating. A few of the times included you crying out for him too and patting over the bed until you realized it was a dream.

This time after waking from the nightmare, you grabbed your throw blanket, quietly escaped your room, and went out to one of the patios. It did not matter how many times you did this, the view was always something that distracted you from the nightmares that occurred. The lights from all the apartments and other buildings were something that you always appreciated about living in the city. It did not matter that you were awake because you were not the only one. Sometimes, you would people watch and make up stories of the shapes of people that you go in and out of their lit living areas. It was all comforting. The opening of the sliding door made you jump in your seat a little, but you were fine when you saw it was Steve.

"Another one," he questioned and sat in the chair next to you. You nodded and wrapped the blanket around you tighter. "You know you can talk to whenever about them." Steve reminded you like he always does. Sometimes you debated making up a fake one to tell him about, so he could leave you alone about it. But like always, you pursed your lips and shook your head, "I'm fine," you quietly spoke. Steve sighed and looked out into the city. "It makes you wonder why their all up sometimes." He changed the subject that he knew he could get you to talk about. You gave a silent, second longing laugh before answering, "That's when you make up people stories. Like that building," you pointed at one about the height of where the patio was, the third closest building on the right, "on the third floor down from the top and fourth one to the right that couple are planning their wedding, it's going horribly, but they keep having fun along the way." You had a comfortable smile.

"Ever wonder what's that like anymore?" Steve asked while he looked at the window you exposed to him. You audibly scoffed, "Maybe almost a century ago, but I haven't ever since." Steve gave you a sad but understanding look. "Dedicate myself to fighting with the Avengers, I don't think any dreamboat could handle it. Just a single dame till the day I die...whenever that will finally be," you finished by rolling your eyes. You watched Steve looked at you with shock. "Well, Y/n, I'm surprised by you," he stated and leaned back in his chair, "I thought you would think differently with Bucky here. I know I have." You gave him a sad smile, "Steve, you and I both know that that person is not the Bucky we know and..." You faded into silence and looked back out. "Y/n, you haven't even-" "I know!" You paused after hearing yourself echo slightly, "I know, I haven't." You added much quieter. "The thought terrifies me, especially after coming to acceptance that my....was no longer, and being kidnapped with no hope in sight, I turned into a cold person. I saw him, a-and I-I..." you paused again, "I wasn't--fuck, I still don't know how to react to it, and I...am very mixed emotion about everything with him. On one hand, there's....what we had," your hands really helped you do the talking, "and now...I'm sure he has gone through worse than me. I'm sure he doesn't want to add anything to my plate of trauma, and I don't want to add to his." You finished.

"Y/n, you can't even get yourself to say Bucky's name." Steve pointed out to you. That's when emotions started. "Steve," you heavily exhaled, "that's the problem. Some nights, I wake up screaming for him. I pat my bed looking for him! I haven't done that since his mother told me about the soldiers coming up to her about his KIA in the '40s, Steve! I have nightmares of him screaming for me to help him, and I can never find him!" You took a large breath. "I am in an internal battle of wanting to run and jump in his arms like I wanted to do so badly when I daydreamed about the war being over and becoming a wife of an American hero while also wanting to stay the hell away from him because...well, everything after that to now!" You rubbed your forehead. "Y/n, he's here. Try something. Do you think he doesn't have the same feeling?" You looked up at the sky and shook your head. "It's terrifying." You breathed. "So is waking up from the ice, but we survived that." Steve said before getting up and going back in the tower.

***

Right on time again, up and terrified. You repeated your routine of going outside. You hummed old, familiar songs as you did. One of your favorite couples were dancing by their window. "You really have it all figured out, don't you?" You whispered, even though you knew you would never get an answer back. They were comfort characters in your world. You were so entranced by them that you did not noticed the other human walk out onto the patio as well, until he spoke. "Old habits never die." Your neck swiftly changed directions in shock at the voice. You tightened the blanket from a nervous habit. "Somethings never do," you simply added before turning away. However, your eyes kept glancing towards him. You noticed the recent haircut compared to when you saw him the other day at shoulder's length or a little beyond. "But so many things often do." He responded. "Can't ever go back even if we truly desired to." You added back to him.

There was silence. Eye contact never fully met. Under different circumstances of no history involved, some would say it resembled high school crushes. He finally gave in first and turned around to face you, hands on the railing of the patio. You noticed then that the left one was vibranium. You sighed and looked back at the couple near the window while humming songs from the '40s. Then, after a short while, you heard Bucky add to your humming. You stopped and shyly smiled back at him. "Music is nothing like it used to be," you mentioned. He lightly laughed and nodded. What came from your mouth next, you didn't really have control over, maybe it was an instinct like when you talk to Steve, maybe it was something you did not know you truly desired now.

"Want to head to my room and listen to it?" You couldn't avoid eye contact when he looked back at you now. You said it loud and clear enough that he looked over at you with a hint of shock. "That'd be nice," Bucky responded with a hint of a smile.

At first, it did start as simply that, listening to the records while sitting on your set of velvet wide wingback chairs. The occasional glances and small smiles shared. Then, Bucky made a move. He stood from his chair and stood in front of yours, offering you a dance. "Oh, Bucky, I haven't danced since-" "1943?" You nodded at him finishing your sentence. "I haven't either," he added and as gentle as he could be, he grabbed your hand to pull you up to dance with him. You allowed it to happen, resistance did not feel right to you in that situation.

The dancing started stiff and cautious like neither of wanted to frighten the other. However, it grew into a more fluid dancing, the pair of you getting more comfortable with each other. After a couple hours, you felt comfortable enough to rest your head on his chest. "Don't fall asleep on me, Y/n doll." He quietly said, which made you look up at him with curiosity at the old nickname. "I'm sorry," he admittedly said. "I shouldn't have-" "Don't apologize," you deeply whispered and leaned up, kissing Bucky's cheek. Then, his lips, after so many decades, had reconnected with yours, quick and short turned into long as well as passionate.

The world around you both felt like it turned back to 1943. The room was now Bucky's apartment, his clothing turned into his sergeant uniform, yours into the red shirtwaist dress, and time didn't hurt the pair of you like the present. "Never leave me again, James Buchanan Barnes." Your lips drew together and bodies grew closer. "Wouldn't dream of it, Y/n doll," Bucky would mutter against your lips and pulled your closer by the waist.

As your back landed on the bed, you physically felt your breath being caught. "Bucky," you exhaled in a tone that was no longer flirtatious or excited, rather it was a sad realization. The dimly lit apartment, the uniform, the red dress, all of it turned back into reality of your room in the Avengers Tower. You can see that the dream ideal world had broke from his eyes as well. "Bucky," you breathed as you stood and softly grabbed both sides of his face, "you were gone. You were gone for so long." You lightly cried. He embraced you, holding you close to his chest. "I know, doll." Bucky lightly kissed the top of your head. You gripped the back of his shirt. "Don't ever do that again." You whispered into him. "Why would I ever do such a thing?" Bucky held you tighter.

[quokkacore]

please don’t bite [wong yukhei] (m)

part of the wasn’t on pawpose collab

summary: you’d always prided yourself on being able to read people well and managing yourself as an independent hybrid in a world that was still getting over that. but when lucas, your best friend, manages to get himself turned into a wolf hybrid, it has you second-guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself, him, and the both of you, together. 

pairing: wolfhybrid!lucas x bunnyhybrid!femreader

genre: friends to enemies to lovers, fluff, smut, angst, thriller if you squint

warnings: language, lucas is a bit of a dick, medical experimentation, mentions of sexual harassment, knotting, breeding kink, mating cycles, degradation (use of the word bitch to be specific), dirty talk, biting, marking, size kink, possessiveness, jealousy, mentioned doyoung x reader, momentarily dubious consent, stomach bulging, slight predator x prey dynamic between lucas and reader

song rec: troye sivan - bite ♡ wonder girls - why so lonely  ♡ neon trees - everybody talks  ♡ harry styles - cherry  ♡ the 1975 - tonight (i wish i was your boy)  ♡ sunmi - 24/7  ♡ loona (jinsoul)  - singing in the rain ♡ fall out boy - hold me tight, or don’t  ♡ wayv - bad alive

word count: 17.6k

a/n: this turned out a lot longer and a lot angstier than i expected. also.... dont ask where yukhei’s human ears went. i don’t know either :P

masterlist

You were going to kill Lee Taemin, if the dean of your university didn’t do it first. This was all his fault. 

It all started at the beginning of the semester, when Lucas, your best friend and roommate, had told you during dinner he was helping your older friend, Taemin with an experiment for his Ph.D. You'd expected him to say he'd be handing out surveys on Main Street or trying some new diet and writing down the effects, or something along those lines. 

Nope, not at all. What he really said had thrown you for a loop. “Actually, I’m gonna be trying out some hybrid hormone pills he’s been working on that have finally been cleared for human testing.”

You’d choked on the pizza you were eating. “You’re going to do what!?” You cried when you finally managed to swallow your food.

“Dude, chill,” He answered, large hands waving back and forth passively, “Taemin hyung is 99% percent sure that they’re absolutely safe. I’m just supposed to go in for testing once a week and write down any side effects I feel, which, according to him, should be at most three or four, and they’re not even that major.”

“Okay…” You’d answered, quirking your head. You were still slightly wary, your ears twitching. "And Taemin's like, completely sure they're safe to eat?" 

Lucas nodded, demeanor completely casual. His calm expression did nothing to deter your concerns, mind going a mile a minute when a new thought popped into your mind.

“Yukhei, what kind of hybrid hormones are you even taking? Predator hybrids or prey hybrids?”

His smile had disappeared slightly, and his eyes left your face to stare down at his plate. Your stomach sank, and your foot started tapping in distress.

“Wong Yukhei. What kind of hormones are they gonna give you.”

“They’re, uh… alpha wolf hormones.”

Your eyes widened, and he rushed to placate you. “Y/N, bunny, calm down. I know how you feel about predator hybrids, but I wouldn’t be doing this if I thought there was something weird about this whole thing. The dean is breathing down Taemin’s neck telling him not to fuck it up. Trust me, he wouldn’t be doing this if he wasn’t absolutely certain that it was safe.”

You chewed on your lips, before sighing. “Please be careful, Xuxi. You’re my best friend. I don’t want you to hurt yourself all because Taem wants to find a way to get taller after puberty.”

Lucas had laughed, glad that the mood in your kitchen had shifted from tense to slightly less tense. He grabbed your hand, your eyes dropping to glance at it for a second, before looking him in his eyes. “If you want… He told me earlier he’d be at the lab until like, midnight. Maybe we could go pay him a visit, and he can explain everything better, you know?”

You pursed your lips, glancing at the clock. It was almost eight. After a few seconds, you huffed, and nodded, the tension finally diffusing.

“Alright, alright, let me get my jacket.”

He grinned at you, and you flashed him a smile back, automatically endeared at his goofy expression as he disappeared to gather his things. You smiled to yourself, looking down at your hands which had fallen into your lap, sighing.

Too cute. He's too cute.

The walk to the campus lab took about fifteen minutes, maybe less. Lucas, despite being taller than you, actually walked at a much more snail-like pace, and thus fell victim to your playful teasing over his slow walk.

"You're part bunny," He pointed out, eyes briefly glancing at the white rabbit ears poking out from your hair, "You have that natural spring in your step."

"Bull," You countered with a smile, turning to face him, now walking backwards, "They disproved the whole ‘rabbit hybrids run faster than humans’ theory years ago. You just suck at walking, Xuxi."

"You just suck at walking, Xuxi," Lucas grumbled, mocking your tone, but there was no malice behind it. You laughed, turning as he took a few quicker strides to catch up. His hand came up to pat the spot between your fluffy ears at the top of your head, and you hummed in satisfaction as the door of the chemistry department finally came into view. 

The ride up the elevator was quiet. You were still slightly uneasy, ears twitching, something Lucas easily picked up on. He flashed you a soft smile, pulling you closer.

“Everything will be fine, bunny. I promise.”

You nodded, pressing your head against his shoulder. You took a deep breath, taking in Lucas’s distinct scent of cinnamon. “I’m sorry I blew up at you earlier… But you gotta admit, it sounds risky. And with the side effects, I thought maybe it would affect behaviot, and a lot of predator hybrids are just huge dicks, sometimes, especially around prey hybrids, you know? They’re creepy and asshole-ish and, well, you remember the snow leopard guy we met at The Burrow a few months ago, right?”

Lucas’s eyes darkened, recalling the time you had to mace a hybrid at a bar because the guy was getting handsy with you, despite the fact that you had made it incredibly clear that you weren’t interested. He nodded, staring at his feet.

“I don’t want any of Taemin’s weird science hurting you or affecting your behavior.”

He nodded, eyes sympathetic. “I totally get it. But like I said earlier, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t trust hyung with it 100%, or if I thought that it could hurt me or you in any way. You’re my bunny, you know? I would never do anything to hurt you.” 

“I know, I know, Xuxi, and I trust you… But I will cut Taemin’s legs off if you die.”

He shook his head, his amused smile growing lopsided on his features.

Finally, the elevator made a ding! and the doors slid open. The hallway was lit with industrial fluorescent lights, much brighter than the warm light of the elevator.

Lucas’s larger hand grabbed yours, leading you down the hallway. 

“I don’t even remember the last time I saw Taem,” You mumbled, not really thinking about the topic, “It’s like he lives here now.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lucas replied, “Baekhyun hyung’s been begging him to just let it go for at least a night, but he’s obsessed.”

A few doors later, and you finally arrived at the one indicating it was the floor’s chemistry lab, and Lucas knocked once, twice, before a soft, muffled voice said, “Come in!”

Lucas opened the door, letting you step in first before following suit and closing the door behind him. On the other end of the lab, stood a thin, short man facing away from the both of you, typing away at a laptop. You knew it was Taemin, he smelled like Taemin, but your mind didn’t immediately register that it was him; his ashy blond hair was up in a hairnet, he was wearing a long lab coat, and there were blue latex gloves covering his hands. 

“Hyung?” Lucas asked, and the typing stopped abruptly as Taemin turned, took in the sight of the both of you, before flashing a gummy smile. 

“Hey! Y/N, long time, no see. And Yukhei!! Just the person I wanted to talk to.” His tone was pleasant, excited. “I wanted to talk to you about your hormone treatment.” 

“That’s great, because we wanted to talk to you about it also.”

Taemin furrowed his eyebrows, giving a slight shake of his head. His eyes flicked back and forth between you and Lucas. “We?”

Your eyes widened before holding out your hands. You exchanged a brief look with Lucas, whose ears were a bright red. 

“I wanted to know about the whole wolf hormone thing because… you know. Well, you know how we live together, and prey hybrids and predator hybrids don’t really get along well, you know? I mean, I know that it’s just hormones, but… should we be worried about anything? Should I be worried?”

Taemin’s mouth dropped open slightly as he registered what you said, and he shut his eyes before shaking your head.

“No, not at all! I totally understand your concerns, Y/N. We’re using several different test subjects for the human testing, all with different circumstances, but they’re our ‘demographic’ when it comes to using the treatment. A few are hard of hearing, others have suffered physical trauma in their legs or arms, some have poor eyesight. Our intention with using wolf hormones is to see if it can be used as adequate treatment for specific disabilities.”

“Lucas doesn’t have any of those things?” You said, confused. You glanced at Lucas, who was still watching Taemin, before the latter spoke again.

“He’s part of a separate group, people who have no major medical ailments or physical disabilities. We want to see what the effects could be on the statistically average human.”

You nodded, still feeling slightly uneasy despite Taemin’s otherwise chipper attitude. “So the expected changes are going to be mostly physical? No behavioral side effects?” 

“A few behavioral side effects, but nothing major. Increased appetite, irritability, high energy, maybe increased libido. Nothing too major. Mostly we’re trying to see if he gets stronger, or if his hearing and eyesight improve… I understand you feel worried, Y/N, but the members of my research team and I have been working around the clock to make sure that these pills are absolutely safe for human consumption. From our research, there’s like, a 98.7% chance that nothing other than the expected side effects will show up, and those aren’t really behavioral at all.”

“Why not 100%?” You asked, eyes shifting back and forth uneasily.

Taemin grimaced, gaze sympathetic as he exchanged a look with Lucas, and then with you. “Well, nothing is ever 100% confirmed, so science doesn’t really lend itself to certainty, y’know?”

That had been two months ago.

For the first two weeks, everything seemed like it would be fine. Lucas’s only complaints about the hormone pills were that they made his hair grow a bit faster and that they were so big that they were hard to swallow. Then… things started to happen.

First, he started to eat a whole lot more. Every time you saw him between classes, he seemed to be chewing on something. You were grateful he wasn’t touching your food, because he seemed to only ever be eating meat.

“Didn’t Taemin say I’d probably get hungrier?” He asked one night, eating a ham sandwich as he sat on the couch. You were resting your head on his thigh, scrolling through Instagram while hoping that any crumbs wouldn’t fall into your hair or your ears.. You set down your phone, blinking as you tried to remember, before nodding. 

“Yeah, he did. Shouldn’t you write that down?”

“Uhh… Yeah.” He stood, you sitting up, and walked towards his room, probably to do as you suggested, before he called out to you one last time. He at least had the decency to look a bit sheepish.

“Hey bunny, can you, uh, order some Chinese food?”

Then he started complaining about loud noises. However, from what you could tell, there were no loud noises at all. Your rabbit ears, from what you understood, had similar hearing to that of humans, only you were slightly more sensitive to higher frequencies. So you were incredibly confused when Lucas barged in while you were pacing in your room, going over flashcards for an exam, dark eyes glaring at you. He seemed slightly ticked off.

“Can you please stop stomping around in here? I’m trying to finish a paper.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, and you glanced down at your feet, which were covered by a pair of fuzzy socks. “Uhh, I’m not stomping?”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Y/N, I’m serious, stop yelling. This paper is due tomorrow and it’s like 15% of my final grade.” 

“And I’m serious too?” Your tone was perplexed, because you weren’t yelling at all, “I was just pacing, Xuxi, like this.”

You took a few steps back and forth to show him, footsteps light, barely audible, and his face scrunched up in discomfort. 

“But… it’s so loud. It’s giving me a headache.”

You made a face, before your eyebrows shot up, and your ears did as well. 

“Do you think it’s because of the hormones?” You asked, lowering your voice so it was just above a whisper, “Taemin said that would probably happen, remember? Wolves have crazy hearing.”

He opened his mouth to answer, before closing it again. He flashed you a weird look, before shaking his head. “Okay...? I’ll tell hyung that it’s working… But like, can you please just sit down while you study?” 

You nodded, sympathetic, and he closed the door. But a few seconds later, he reopened it. He looked a bit confused. “Is that… new perfume?”

It was your turn to make a face at him. “Huh?”

He shook his head, still looking confused. “Uh, nothing,” He mumbled, waving a dismissive hand, “Never mind. Forget I asked.” 

He closed the door a final time, and you were left even more weirded out than you already were. 

Somehow, he got even taller than he already was. A few days later when you were making breakfast for the both of you and you had your back turned, he came and hugged you from behind, still addled with sleep. You paid him no mind, continuing your task. One of his arms wrapped itself around your neck, almost as if he were trying to put you into a loving headlock, something he often did. In response, you did what you often did whenever he did so, which was to nuzzle your chin against his forearm.

"Good morning," He hummed, voice deep and raspy, “That smells good."

“For you,” You answered, scrunching up your nose as you turned over the bacon, “I feel like you forget sometimes that my genes make me a herbivore, Xuxi.”

Lucas stepped away, and you frowned at the loss of warmth. “Eh, sometimes. Do you want me to grab a plate?”

You set down the spatula before turning off the stove, as you turned to face him. 

“You can serve yours—oh my god.”

You had lifted your head to where you usually did to look up at Lucas, and for some reason, had only been met with his neck. You craned your neck back even further, and met his eyes, which held a confused look, eyebrows furrowed, mouth agape. 

“Did you get… smaller?”

“No,” You mumbled, still in disbelief, “I think you got… bigger. H-how tall exactly were you again?”

“Uh, 1.83 meters.”

You nodded, closing your mouth. “Yeah, you’re definitely more than that now.”

Lucas peered down at you, gaze slightly concerned. “This is starting to get really weird. Should I write this down?”

You frowned, looking him up and down. The shirt he’d went to bed with, an oversized white tee, now fit him better. “Yukhei, at this point, I think you should go see Taemin. Did he even mention growth spurts?”

Lucas blinked, before pushing the hair out of his still puffy, sleep ridden eyes. “Hmm, I don’t think he did. I’ll eat breakfast and then go see him.”

According to Lucas, when he’d gotten back, Taemin had been over the moon when he’d measured him and found he’d grown almost 11 centimeters in his sleep, now standing at 1.94 meters. 

Everything had been somewhat tolerable. Not yet batshit insane. Lucas’s mood swings were relatively easy to handle as long as you left him alone whenever he seemed pissy, and he always apologized afterwards. He started staying up even later, but you didn’t really mind since he did his best not to be too loud. 

Sure, the fact that his hair started growing faster and ended up in the shower drain when he decided to “manscape” (his words, not yours) was gross, but bearable. His random bursts of energy, making him even more eccentric than he already was, were kind of like babysitting a huge, five year old Lucas doped up on caffeine. Which, while a bit more tiring to put up with, had not yet crossed into uncanny territory.

Yet. 

It all came to a head one Sunday morning, when Lucas had woken you up when he started screaming from the bathroom. You were woken from your peaceful slumber, and immediately stumbled out of bed to see what was going on, tripping on your way out the door in your panic.

“Yukhei!?” You shouted, slamming the door open. Your eyes were wide. Your heart was racing. Immediately your nose was hit with a strange odor. That put you even more on edge than you already were. Your eyes scanned the small bathroom in a haste. Your eyes fell to the corner. There, was Lucas, huddling. Knees to his chest, hands covering the top of his head, trembling and babbling incoherently, the sound muffled by the fact that his face was buried somewhere in between his knees and his chest.

“Y-Yukhei?” You repeated again, this time quieter, breathing heavily, anxiously. Was he having a panic attack? Was this a side effect of the treatment? “C-can I come closer?”

He trembled, not giving you an answer, still mumbling to himself. He seemed almost catatonic. Swallowing the lump in your throat at seeing your closest friend like this, you steeled yourself. Crouching, and slowly making your way to him, you cautiously held out an arm, and slowly, slowly, touched his hand.

He immediately flinched away, your heart dropping at his action. He sniffled, letting out a little sob, and tears sprung into your eyes. You blinked them away as best you could. He needed someone to lean on, and you couldn’t do that if you were an emotional mess.

“No, no,” He cried, voice small. “Please, stay away.”

“Yukhei,” You murmured, voice wavering, “I’m not gonna leave you like this. W-what’s wrong? Tell me Xuxi, please. You’re scaring me.”

“Y-you’ll hate me.”

You gasped quietly, resting your hand on his. “Xuxi… I could never hate you.”

“Even looking like this!?” He snapped harshly, lifting his gaze, dropping his arms, and you fell back onto your butt in shock. Your mouth fell open, eyes wide, white ears stood at full attention.

You peered into Lucas’s teary, red rimmed eyes. Only they weren’t Lucas’s eyes. Lucas’s eyes had always been a deep, rich brown, reminiscent of the earth. But these eyes were a bright, glowing amber, seeming almost radioactive in how much brighter they were than Lucas's old eye color. 

Your mouth moved as you scrambled to say something, but no sound came out. Your eyes caught the attention of something twitching atop Lucas’s head, and you blinked dumbly, taking in the salt and pepper pointy ears peeking out between his caramel colored hair, before scanning his entire body and taking in the thick tail swishing back and forth behind him.

The blood in your body ran cold as you took a deep breath through the nose. Lucas’s signature scent of cinnamon was still there, but now overpowered by the strange odor from earlier. You realized with a chill that the scent was earthy, musky, a smell you were no stranger to as a hybrid. Your animal instincts automatically kicked in, whispering in your mind: predator. wolf. danger. danger. danger.

 “I…” Your voice was hoarse as you pushed yourself up onto the balls of your feet, inching closer towards him slowly, despite the hairs on your neck standing straight up and telling you to run far, far away. 

“Y-Yukhei, what happened?”

He shook his head, shaking like a leaf. “I don’t know,” He mumbled in a daze, and although he was staring at you with those strange yellow eyes, you got the impression from the blank look in them that he wasn’t really looking at you. “I woke up, and I c-came in here and I looked in the mirror and…”

He didn’t finish, but you got the point. You pursed your lips, before making your way towards him, but he let out a groan and you froze in your spot as he knocked his head against the wall, eyes fluttering shut. 

“What is that smell?” He growled, “Why do you smell like that?”

“Like what?” You asked quietly, anticipating his answer. He shook his head, cracking his eyes open ever so slightly to peer at you. His gaze seemed to freeze you in place. 

“Like… jasmine? I mean, it’s so strong…”

You stared at him, wide-eyed, unable to tell him that that was your characteristic scent as a hybrid. You were still reeling from the fact that Lucas, who up until yesterday, aside from a few obnoxious habits, had been very human, was now a hybrid just like you, with ears and a tail and…

You glanced down at his gritted teeth, taking note of the very, very sharp canines that had seemingly grown overnight. 

You gulped, looking up at him. His wide eyes showed you that he was just as terrified as you were, and you swallowed back your wariness when your heart clenched at the sight. He needed help more than you needed comforting.“We need to get you to Taemin. Now.”

You had to force Lucas into his car, which was not easy in his dazed state, considering he was so much bigger than you. Towering over you, pure muscle, and basically a limp rag doll. In your panic, you’d forgotten your phone, your pants, and to give Lucas some shoes. You did the driving despite the fact that it was his car. He still seemed too frazzled to do so, so you buckled him up and started the ten minute drive to Taemin’s apartment.  

On the way, you did your best to ignore the situation at hand. That just because Lucas was a predator hybrid now didn’t automatically make him like the rest of them. Lucas wasn’t like the pervy fox hybrids who would follow you for blocks when you were in high school. He wasn’t like the snow leopard you’d forced off of yourself. He was Lucas, he was Yukhei. He was your Xuxi, and you needed to repeat yourself that he wouldn’t hurt a fly. 

The silence in the car was tense. You were sure that with his heightened senses, Lucas could hear everything, and you didn’t want to say anything to upset him further. He didn’t say anything to you. You didn’t say anything to him. And when you parked in front of Taemin’s apartment building, you got him out of the car, and grabbed him by the hand to walk to the door.

You were grateful it was Sunday morning. There weren’t that many people out on the street as you tapped your foot impatiently, pressing the button to buzz the comm on Taemin’s apartment incessantly. The few people that did pass were more focused on your sleep-addled bedhead and bare feet than anything else, and you thanked the universe for the fact that your oversized sleep shirt fell to your mid thighs. 

“It’s eight in the morning. Literally what do you want,” A deep, groggy voice grumbled, and you rolled your eyes. Finally.

“It’s Y/N and Lucas,” You said into the speaker, pressing a hand to your forehead in frustration. “You need to see this, now.”

 “Uhh, it’s Jongin,” The voice mumbled, and your eyes squeezed shut. He sounded so hungover. And whenever Jongin was hungover, that probably meant Taemin was hungover as well, and that it was generally Baekhyun’s idea. 

“Wake Taem up, please, Nini,” You pleaded desperately. “It’s life or death.”

“Fine, fine, okay. Come on up.”

When you made it up to their floor, a bedraggled Jongin opened the door. He was shirtless, his hair was sticking up in random spots, his face was still puffy, and he didn’t look happy to be woken up.

He looked you up and down, eyebrows furrowing at your appearance. “I swear this had better be good,” He told you, before turning to look at Lucas, “or I’m gonna—”

Jongin cut himself off as he registered the pointy ears, the fluffy tail, and the glowing yellow eyes. His eyes widened, certainly looking more awake now. His mouth started moving, but no sound came out.

“I—uh—is this why—?”

“Get Taemin,” You snapped, ready to kill him. You were furious, to say the least, ready to barge in and kick Taemin’s ass. This was his fault, all in the name of mad science. But then you added softly, voice wavering, “I don’t know what to do.”

For someone who almost never stopped talking, Taemin had nothing to say, for once. Instead, his eyes turned wide as saucers, his eyebrows jumped up to his hairline, and you were sure that if his jaw could have dropped any lower, it would have fallen below sea level. When he finally did manage to speak, his voice was small and unsure, and he never stopped gawking at the ears on Lucas’s head.

“Uh… Y-Y/N, Jongin, could you give us a minute, please?” 

So you did, letting them walk off to Taemin’s bedroom, and as Jongin sat you down on the couch to make you some tea, Baekhyun emerged from his own bedroom. Baekhyun at least looked a bit more awake than the dynamic duo, who, in their hungover state, both looked like the walking dead. 

“Y/N?” He asked, seeing you on the couch. He had a small but confused smile on his face. “What are you doing here…?”

“You’re not gonna believe what Taemin did to Yukhei,” Jongin’s voice declared from the kitchen. Baekhyun furrowed his eyebrows, craning his head once, to look at Taemin’s shut door, again, to look at Jongin standing at the cupboard, and then to you, sitting on the couch with a blank stare on your face.

Baekhyun blinked. “Shit, did he kill him?” 

You pursed your lips, staring at him wide eyed, eyebrows furrowed. Your look was meant to convey something along the lines of, you’ve got to be kidding me. And by the way Baekhyun grimaced at himself a few moments later, broad shoulders scrunching up, he got the message loud and clear.

“Sorry. Just trying to lighten the situation, I guess?”

“Not helping, hyung,” Jongin huffed as he made his way over to you, handing you the warm mug of tea. You accepted it with a quiet “thanks,” before blowing on the tea and taking a quick sip. 

“What even happened?” Jongin’s deep voice was quiet, concerned. He sat down next to you, and Baekhyun sat down on your other side.

So you told the story from the beginning of the treatment, all the way up to when you decided to bring Lucas to Taemin. The hearing, the growth spurt, his mood swings. They listened, nodding along to the story and thankfully, not interrupting. From Baekhyun, at least, that was surprising. 

When you finished, you looked at them, then at your tea, which didn't feel as hot anymore. You lifted the mug to your lips, relishing the warm chamomile taste as Baekhyun opened his mouth to speak. Still not very comforting, but at least you were filling your stomach with something.

"Wow…" He mumbled, still in slight disbelief. "So, Yukhei's a hybrid now?"

“I guess. I don’t know.” Your voice sounded empty. 

Jongin sighed, gaze pensive. “What’s gonna happen between the two of you, though? You live together. You of all people know that prey hybrids and predator hybrids, living together in tiny spaces don’t really mix well.”

You frowned, settling the mug down on their coffee table. “It’s not like he’s gonna become one of those asshole-y hybrids overnight, y’know?” “Didn’t you say he snapped at you this morning?” Baekhyun asked, tilting his head. “You said he was having mood swings, too.” 

You shook your head, fluffy ears flattening against it as the stress seemed to accumulate in your body. “It wasn’t like that. I think he was just freaked out. And as for his mood swings… I don’t know.”

An awkward silence filled the room, and you gazed at your hands on your lap. 

“Uh, Y/N…” Jongin mumbled, tips of his ears a bright red, “A-are you wearing pants?”

“Oh,” You answered dumbly, feeling your face heat up, “Um… No? I kind of panicked and, uh, forgot to put some on.”

Jongin stood, holding out a hand. “Come on, you can borrow one of mine. You must be cold, right?”

You nodded, glancing at Baekhyun, who had a sympathetic smile on his face. You looked back to Jongin, and took his hand to stand up. He pulled you toward his room, trying to make you smile by telling you about his drunken escapades with Baekhyun and Taemin during karaoke. 

“Baekhyun almost got us kicked out while he was singing some Mamamoo song,” He said with a laugh, “You know how loud he gets.”

You smiled, giggling quietly as he opened a drawer, searching for something you could wear. After a few moments of fumbling around, he pulled out a pair of gray sweatpants, and shuffled towards you. 

“So,” You said, reaching for the fabric, “I’m guessing you and Taemin did your usual rendition of Fergali—”

The sound of a door opening across the hall interrupted you, one ear lifting as you turned your head. Taemin emerged, Lucas trailing behind him. Taemin had changed out of his pajamas and was now wearing some jeans and a t-shirt. Your eyes immediately met Lucas’s, but a second after, his eyes fell to Jongin, then the pair of pants you were reaching out for, then back to you. His gaze was hollow, unreadable, but his eyes still shone bright amber. Jongin tucked the fabric into your hands, and took a step away from you. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Hey, man, how are you doing?”

“Not really good, if I’m honest,” Lucas answered, practically glaring at the older man. You frowned at his tone. He was rarely this quiet.

“I did a quick check-up,” Taemin declared, “I don’t see any immediate risk, he seems to be safe for now.”

Your shoulders sagged, as you sighed in relief, tension leaving your body.

“But I’m still taking him to the lab,” Taemin said, eyes serious. “We never foresaw these... mutations. I need to run some tests and contact the team and the other test subjects. Y/N, you can stay here if you want, I don’t think Jongin and Baek hyung would mind—” 

“Head home, Y/N,” Lucas interjected, deep voice serious and clipped. He kept shifting his eyes in between you and Jongin. “I woke you up, you should go get some more sleep.”

The deep authority in his voice startled you. A small thought crossed your mind, submit, obey, and you realized that these were your rabbit instincts kicking in as it registered a predator in your midst. And that only happened when predator hybrids used a specific tone of speech, one used only to take command over a situation with other hybrids. It was a bit hard to disobey, but not impossible. With a chill, you realized he was probably doing this subconsciously. 

This wasn’t how things were supposed to work, not with Lucas. Yes, Lucas had become this thing that you’d been told to fear, but it wasn’t necessarily him. You blinked, looking at Jongin, then at Taemin. You realized that Taemin and Jongin were staring at each other awkwardly, before looking at Lucas again. Despite your sleepy state, you knew your anxiety wouldn’t let you rest. And to be frank, you didn’t want to be alone after what had happened. “I could wait for you here, Xuxi, and then we could head back home together—”

“I can drop him off at your place!” Taemin said, an awkward smile plastered on his face. “It’s no problem, you should head on home…” You furrowed your eyebrows, before nodding slowly at having your actions countered.

“Huh,” You answered slowly, remembering all of the times Taemin had gotten pissy about giving you and Lucas a ride home (gas money, he complained), even though his apartment wasn’t that far from yours, “Okay…? I’ll head home in a little bit. You guys be careful.”

Lucas nodded, face not changing. He was upset, you could tell, but he was completely justified, given everything that he’d been through. You didn’t appreciate him taking it out on everyone around him, though. 

“Yukhei, let’s go.” Taemin seemed all too eager to drag Lucas away, and you watched, bewildered at the strange shift in energy between the three men. You’d known Jongin and Taemin since your freshman year of college, and Lucas since junior year of high school. Never had you seen the three of them act like this.

You turned to Jongin once you heard the front door close. He was shifting back and forth awkwardly. “That was… weird.”

“Well,” He said, scratching at the back of his neck, “This whole morning has been a bit weird, don’t you think?”

You gave a sardonic smile, trying to figure out how to explain your thoughts. “I mean, yeah, but… I don’t know. Regardless of that, everything just seemed off between the three of you.”

Jongin’s eyes met yours. He looked a bit taken aback.

“You can’t be serious.”

You shook your head. “What?”

Jongin’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh my god,” He muttered, more to himself, “You really don’t know.”

“Jongin, what?”

“Yukhei likes you,” Jongin confessed, rubbing at his chin, “He has for years.”

Your ears shoot straight up, eyes widening. Immediately your face heated up, and your free hand shot upwards, waving them back and forth.

"What? Huh? No. No, no, no. We’re just—" 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” He countered, “You’re friends. But he wants to be more. He’s told me so, several times.”

When you didn’t answer, he walked around you to sit on his bed. He sighed, looking upwards as he gathered his thoughts, trying to figure out what to say. 

“Y/N, you’re smart. And you’re an independent person, and you value that because of how some people still treat hybrids. Especially prey hybrids. I know that. You know  that. Yukhei knows that. But…” He sighed again, shaking his head.

“You don’t see the way he looks at you when you’re not looking. He… he looks at you like you’re the only person in the world, or like you invented pizza, or something. And right now, his behavior…”

He groaned in exasperation, and you raised an eyebrow. “What?”  

“I don’t know how to put it other way than territorial,” He grumbled with a frown, “The way he was acting was like that look, but more aimed at me. Like, she’s the only one I see, don’t look at her the way I do. And I’m no expert on hybrid behavior, but…”

You didn’t know what to think, but you completed his thought anyway. 

“...You think Lucas was acting possessive.”

“I don’t think, I know,” He said, “He seemed really standoffish, and you should be careful. Not because he’s dangerous—this is Yukhei we’re talking about—but because it might strain your friendship.”

You remained silent for a few seconds, absorbing everything he’d told you. 

You didn’t want to believe him. 

You went home not much later, trying to process everything you’d seen and heard that morning in the silence of the car as you drove through traffic, still pantsless. You didn’t feel comfortable accepting Jongin’s pants after everything he’d pointed out in Lucas’s behavior.

Lucas, your mind continued to think, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas.

You’d known Lucas for so long at this point, he’d always just been your best friend. You’d never really wanted anything else from him.

You knew people had been expecting the two of you to get together for years. Your friends had told you, your family had told you, and now, his friends had told you that there was something going on between you and him. And every time, you’d been adamant to deny it. No, he’s like my brother. No, he’s my best friend. No, I don’t see him that way. No, he’s seeing someone. No, I don’t have time for a relationship, anyway. 

Lucas was attractive, you knew that. You had eyes. You had ears. Regardless of his looks, he was effortlessly charming and funny, and that would make anyone attractive. You saw how people swooned and fawned over him, despite him rarely being interested. But he’d always just been your best friend, the one who supported you through everything and made you laugh on your darkest days. And from living with him for the past few years, you considered it a bit awkward to be attracted to someone after seeing them scratch their ass as nonchalantly as possible in front of you as he had. 

That was until this morning, when he’d spoken using that tone of voice. You still weren’t sure how to feel about that. It gave you the chills, but... not in the way you’d expected. Something instinctual had begged you to submit to him. That didn’t usually happen to you when you heard other hybrids used that tone. Usually, you would feel a small tug in your gut, maybe a small flutter of anxiousness, but most of the time all it achieved was a roll of your eyes. But not with him. Not with Lucas.

You thought about it the entire way home. You thought about it on the way up to your apartment. You thought about it as you crawled into your bed, closed your eyes, and finally allowed your mind to be at peace once more. You slept until noon, then made yourself some lunch, showered, and worked on a few assignments you had for your classes.

Lucas came home several hours later, just before 7 PM. He no longer seemed as tense as this morning, but tired, instead. You didn’t blame him. His eyes had faded back to their warm, welcoming shade of brown, which didn’t surprise you. Wolf hybrids’ eyes tended to glow like that whenever they were on edge about something.

“How are you doing?” You asked, as he sat down on the couch. “Is everything alright?”

Slowly, you sat down next to him, wondering if he’d still be snappy as he had this morning. His neck turned to look down at you, and with a deep sigh, he nodded. 

“Medically, I’m sound. They still need to run a few tests, to see if this is something permanent, or not. I’ve been ordered to stop taking the pills, for now.”

You nodded, giving him a small smile out of relief. 

“Thank god,” You murmured, “I was worried about that. But how are you doing?”

He swallowed, his adam’s apple bobbing as he did so. He shrugged, pursing his lips. His body shifted towards you, and before you knew it, he’d tackled you into a hug, burying his face into your neck. He seemed to be holding back tears again, and your eyes fluttered shut as he spoke again. “Honestly? I don’t know,” He said, voice small and muffled against your skin, “Things like this are so… different. I found out several things have changed basically overnight.”

“Like what?” Your arms came to wrap around him, trying to calm him down.

“Fuck, I don’t even know. Like, I can smell so much more, now. I can see in the dark, apparently? I can hear so much, Y/N. I’ve been poked and prodded all day and no one knows if this is gonna go away and I’m just… I’m scared.”

He shook his head, shifting to bury his head again, but this time into the other side of your neck. Your hand began to comb through his hair, trying to avoid touching the furry ears that now resided atop his head.

You shook your head, humming. You rested your chin against his shoulder, nuzzling into his form, and his large hands rose to your waist, arms wrapping around it. You looked down when you saw vague movement from below your gaze, and smiled to yourself when you saw Yukhei's tale wagging with contentment. 

“Everything will work out fine, Yukhei,” You whispered, “What matters now is that you’re safe, you’re healthy. You’re so strong, Xuxi. Whatever life throws at you, even if it knocks you down, you always get up with that big smile of yours and keep going.”

He nodded against your neck, cuddling even closer to you. “Thank you,” He answered, before pulling his head away. His eyebrows were furrowed, dark eyes peering into yours from above you. 

“This morning,” He mumbled, “When you were in Jongin hyung’s room. I said something. And I don’t know what it was but it felt…” 

You forced your face to remain blank and expressionless, and broke eye contact, trying to gather your words. God, you didn’t know what to tell him. “Oh… Yeah. That’s sort of a, uh, special tone more dominant predator hybrids use. I don’t really know how to explain it. I’m sure there’s some scientific term, but uh… yeah.”

“Oh.” He pulled away from you slowly, resting against the couch. You nodded awkwardly. 

“I don’t hate you,” You said suddenly. “This morning, in the bathroom, you didn’t want to let me look at you because you thought I’d hate you… I don’t. I could never.”

He smiled, but didn’t meet your eyes. “We don’t have to make this awkward, do we? I don’t feel any different just because of… this. You’re still my best friend, Y/N.”

You nodded, smiling. “Why should it be awkward? I don't think this will change anything, Xuxi.”

Finally, he looked at you, and your eyes found his. His smile grew, and yours did as well. 

“I’m gonna go to bed,” He said moments later, as his hand rose to rub at his neck, “I’m insanely tired.”

“Good night, Xuxi,” You told him as he stood.

 “Good night, bunny.”

When he walked into his room without another word, you watched as he did so, closing the door to his room, right across the hall from yours. You rubbed at a kink in your neck, inhaling deeply as you did so. 

A few moments later, you stopped, eyebrows furrowing. You frowned, ears perking up ever so slightly as something gained your attention. You sniffled once, twice, three times.

Usually, you couldn’t perceive your own hybrid scent unless you consciously thought of it, kind of like when a person thinks of breathing and starts doing it manually rather than automatically. But now, you couldn’t do it. 

Instead, only the scent that you’d registered this morning as Lucas’s remained in its place. Your breath hitched as you realized that Lucas, in hugging you and burying his face in your neck, had scented you. 

There’s no way he did that on purpose… right?

Did Lucas even know about scenting? Was he even aware that it was a courting gesture between hybrids, and a way to tell other hybrids to back off?

Your mind drifted back to what Jongin had said this morning, and you sighed as you once again contemplated the situation. Within a day, both your life and Lucas’s had made a turn for the stranger, and no one knew whether this would be permanent or not.

Shaking your head to yourself, you stood, making your way to your room. This is only awkward if I make it awkward. Lucas doesn’t know hybrid behavior very well because up until this morning, he wasn’t one. Y/N L/N, you’re not going to make this awkward. This isn’t about you being ‘uncomfortable’, this is about Lucas’s wellbeing. You’re not going to make this awkward, you’re not going to make this awkward!

When you reached your door, you took one last glance at Lucas’s door, deciding that you would do your best to help him, for his sake.  

It couldn’t get that awkward, right? Especially not if you tried your best to make it as such. The both of you could continue living as if nothing had changed, right?

Wrong. 

The next few days, it was almost as if the conversation you’d had that night had never happened, but not for your lack of trying. The next morning when you emerged from your bedroom, you found that Lucas was already gone, probably off to class. You shrugged it off, but still found it kind of strange.

When you got home from your classes and studying at the library, he was in the kitchen, eating a sandwich, and you greeted him, and he answered with a vague “hello”, not really paying you much attention. You thought it was strange, but chalked it up to him probably being tired. 

Then it happened the next day, and the day after that, and the next day, and the next, and the next. And almost overnight, you had no idea who this person who had replaced your best friend was. You felt hurt, trying your best to speak to him when you returned to your apartment. He wouldn’t budge, and you’d back off before you pissed him off too much. 

He didn’t look at you the same way he once did. It was like all of the warmth and happiness from his eyes had been sucked out of them, leaving a winter that rivaled the north pole. You couldn’t recall the last time he’d laughed around you.

You missed Lucas. You really did, and the worst thing was that you couldn’t tell if he felt the same thing. You didn’t want to confront him, telling yourself he was going through a tough time. You could tell it frustrated him, having this new tail twitch and to knock something over, the augmented senses distorting and amplifying everything around him. 

He confessed about three weeks, in a clipped tone, that Taemin couldn’t be sure if it was permanent or not. Nothing like this had ever happened to anyone before. There was no way test designed for this situation, and Taemin would have to design a safe way to test it. Which meant time, money, and patience. Two of which, those being money and patience, Lucas had never had much of. 

“Oh, Xuxi,” You’d sighed when he told him, “I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to be.” He set down the textbook he’d been holding onto the table. “You didn’t do it.”

You stepped forward, and he stepped back, almost immediately as you had. You frowned. “Please don’t do that,” You mumbled, now kind of angry. 

“Do what,” He sighed, as if the conversation was exhausting.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know.” You were glaring at him now. “You’ve been avoiding me like the goddamn plague.”

“And what if I am?” He asked, turning to face you. The ears on his head twitched restlessly, and his eyes were burning with what seemed to be contempt. “What if I can’t stand to be around you anymore?”

Your eyes widened, taken aback. After weeks of him not giving you the time of day, for him to say that was too much for you to take sitting down. You scoffed angrily, tapping your foot anxiously. “Excuse me? Where is this coming from?”

He stood up straight, and somewhere in your mind, a little alarm went off in your head at the sheer size of him. He always slouched, just a little. To see him like this, especially now that he’d grown so much, was jarring.

“You heard me,” He said in a tone you could only describe as threatening, taking a step towards you, and this time, you took a step back. “I can't stand being around you anymore. I can’t stand your face, or your voice, or your scent, or your voice. You get on my nerves, and sometimes I swear, I just wanna...”

He didn’t finish.

You shook your head, laughing humorlessly, despite the fact that your heart was cracking with every passing second. You didn’t know this person. Sadness and anger swirled in your chest, creating a mixture that made you grit your teeth. 

You weren’t backing down from this, not after giving him space to himself only to turn around and tell you this. You took a step forward, crossing your arms. “Um, why? What did I ever do or say?” 

He didn’t answer, fully scowling now. His eyes studied your face, but after a few moments, it dropped lower. You realized almost immediately he was looking at your neck. You swallowed nervously, forcing yourself to not look away when he met your eyes again. 

Still, no answer, and you groaned, causing him to snap out of his strange reverie. “Fine. Don’t fucking tell me. See if I care, Yukhei.”

You stepped away from him one last time, walking towards your room. 

“I don’t owe you a fucking explanation, you know! I don’t owe you shit!” He yelled, and you jumped at his sudden burst of anger. You turned, incredulous. Even he seemed to be shocked by the volume of his voice, wolf ears pressed against his head, like a puppy who’d just gotten chastised.

“And I don’t need you yelling at me! Just because you hate me doesn’t give you the right to treat me like shit!” You answered desperately, just as loud. You hated the way that your voice cracked towards the end of your tirade, eyes welling with tears and throat closing up. You blinked the tears back furiously, taking one final look at the increasingly sad look on his face before slamming your bedroom door behind you. 

Finally alone, you took a few deep breaths, trying to think over what had just happened. 

You’d known Yukhei for years. Never once had he raised his voice at you or anyone else. And here he’d just exploded at you, telling you that he couldn’t stand you or the things that made you, well, you.

You sat on your bed, body numb, as the tears began to flow freely. But you couldn’t bring yourself to make noise. You couldn’t bring yourself to curl up sob into your pillow . You knew that he would most likely be able to hear you if you did, and you didn’t want to give him that satisfaction. 

Instead, you laid back, trying your hardest to control your breathing, and fell asleep like that, with the tears falling into your hair, eyeliner and mascara streaking along your skin, feeling utterly destroyed.

After that, you felt yourself giving him an even wider berth than before. You didn’t speak to him unless you absolutely needed to, like when you couldn’t reach the sugar that had suspiciously ended up on the highest shelf, (even though you were the only one to use it) and needed him to hand it to you.

If you walked into the living room and he also happened to be in there, you two would meet eyes briefly, before you walked away. His gaze was never cold, but rather emotionless. Indifferent, bordering on unreadable. It still hurt to see. The only thing that could describe the mood of the apartment was tense. You quickly learned to hate living in such a suffocating environment.

The only "good" thing was that finals were right around the corner, so you were able to distract yourself from the whole situation and pour all of your concentration into studying into the wee hours of the morning. 

But that only lasted for so long.

Taemin had mentioned a heightened libido as a side effect of the treatment. As far as you could tell, Yukhei didn't give off any signs of that. It didn’t even make sense, considering he’d stopped taking the pills ever since the mutation had occurred.

However, for some reason, the universe decided that it wanted to cause you trouble on purpose. 

You came home one day to strange noises coming from Yukhei's bedroom. And when you got closer, it didn't take much for you to realize what was going on between him and whoever he'd brought home. Deep groans, high pitched moaning, and the undeniable sound of skin slapping against skin. Even worse, the smell. It smelled like sex, and sweat, and Yukhei. 

Maybe if you'd been human, you wouldn't have smelled it. But alas, you weren't, and so your heightened sense of smell painted a picture you didn't want to see. Of Yukhei and some stranger, him on top of her, fucking brutally into her.

"Yes, fuck, right there!" 

You damn near jumped out of your skin, then immediately cringing because… well. How could you describe the nasty feeling building suddenly in the pit of your stomach? It wasn't disgust. It wasn't… no. It couldn't be jealousy. Could it have been a mix of the two? 

You couldn't be sure.

And that was only the first time it'd happened. Soon enough, it was happening two or three times a week.

You suddenly started spending more time away from the apartment. Be it at the library, at the café right off campus, at your best friend Mark's apartment. 

But at night, you were on your own, having to listen to Yukhei plow a seemingly endless array of girls into his mattress while you were either studying or trying to sleep. 

Your girlfriends still lived at the college dorms, and there wouldn't be enough space for you there. You didn't want to impose on Mark, since you were already spending most of your day with him and he shared his apartment with four other guys. You certainly didn't want to ask to sleep over at Taemin's, not after what Jongin had told you.

You were more or less trapped in your apartment past nine PM. You wondered if this was how Fiona felt in the first Shrek film when she couldn't go outside at night.

Yukhei was loud, you came to learn. He groaned, he grunted, he growled. He had a filthy vocabulary and, if you were to go by what the girl he'd brought home past Thursday said, leaving out all the gory details, he was very… well endowed. 

You still weren't quite sure how to feel about constantly having to hear him from across the hall. You weren't judging him, not at all. It was none of your business, and as he'd so rudely put it, he didn't owe you an explanation.

But with exams rolling around, and stress starting to build up, you were disappointed, but not surprised to realize that your sexual frustration was doing the same. And Yukhei, with his pretty face, broad shoulders, foul mouth and maddening scent, was not doing you any favors by practically acting out porn across the hallway. 

Even worse? Mating season was approaching. 

The actual duration of heats and ruts for all hybrids varied, but a grand majority of hybrids went through them during the first few weeks of winter, regardless of whether they were predators or prey. 

So while it pained you to say it, Yukhei’s across the hall antics were not doing you any favors. You found yourself lying awake on a Saturday at one in the morning, after a particularly rough Friday. Meanwhile he was with yet another girl, listening to him dirty talk her to high heaven. You had your eyes closed, trying to sleep in the dark of your bedroom, but it wasn’t easy given what was going on.

If you hadn’t been in a sleep deprived delirium, you wouldn’t have allowed your mind to drift to Yukhei, or to focus on the vulgar words he was saying. His words were muffled by the walls, but it was still pretty easy for you to hear them, ears perking up as you did.

“Yeah, baby, you love my cock, don’t you?”

If you hadn’t been so tired, you would have put in some headphones and listened to some soft music until you were able to fall asleep, instead of letting your breath hitch while your sleepy mind conjured an image of a sweaty Yukhei on top of you, doing to you what he’d been doing to the entire campus.

“So fucking tight around me…”

And you definitely wouldn’t have stuck your hand down your pants, with one hand, covering your mouth with the other. But you did, imagining that it was Yukhei’s fingers and not yours pinching at your clit, teasing around your slit, feeling yourself get wet with every passing second. Hard to do, considering Yukhei’s fingers were so much longer than yours were, and you clenched around nothing at the thought of his pretty hands and how deep they could reach inside of you.

You opened your legs a little more, eyes fluttering shut as your index finger delved inside of you, stifling a quiet moan. Even in your sleepy haze your mind told you not to be too loud, because you knew that Yukhei could end up hearing it, and you didn’t want to seem like a creep after everything that had already happened. Slowly, you built up to a speed that you felt went well with the sound of skin against skin.

“Fuck, baby, you gonna come soon? I’m so close...”

Your breathing turned heavy, and suddenly the sheets were too hot, kicking them off of you before adding in a second finger, relishing in the stretch and the way your palm rubbed against your clit in a deliciously frustrating way. You hesitated briefly before adding a third finger, searching desperately for a spot that would cause you to see stars before they cramped up too bad.

When you did manage to find it, your body curled in on itself, biting down on your lip to stop yourself from making any noise. So embarrassingly fast, you felt yourself nearing climax, listening as the moans and groans escalated in pitch and in volume. You pulled your other hand away from your mouth to rub at your clit, and your eyebrows furrowed, mouth tipping open in silent moans. You prayed to whatever cosmic force that ruled over the universe in hopes that you wouldn’t make too much noise.

“Shit, shit, I’m c-coming, baby…” You heard him say, before switching to Cantonese to swear, and with that, your orgasm came crashing against you.

Your toes curled, your eyes squeezed shut, and before you could bury your head in your pillow, you squeaked out the softest possible whine, “Yukhei…”

When you came back down, you were quick to fall asleep, ignoring the stickiness in your panties or the smell of sweat permeating your room, too tired to bring yourself to care. 

You didn’t hear the shuffling of feet as Yukhei kicked this girl out of the apartment, too on edge after having heard your whimpering.

After that, Yukhei didn’t bring home any other girls, and you brushed it off as him needing to concentrate for finals. The coming weeks were filled with all nighters, cups of coffee, tears and desperation as you somehow managed to pass all of your classes.

 You and Yukhei continued to practically tiptoe around each other, still not speaking. Now, however, it was more due to a lack of time than anger geared towards each other. Yes, you could still sense animosity when you crossed paths but it was getting… strange. While he almost never spoke, Yukhei’s wide eyes seemed to follow you whenever you passed him.

Now, the apartment had turned silent, rather than tense. You felt like you should anticipate something but you weren’t sure what. Many times, you could feel Yukhei before you saw him, and while before, at the apartment he tended to avoid you like a criminal dodging the law, now you always felt him close, his scent never far from where you were. On campus, you didn’t have that problem, rarely seeing him due to your different majors. But at home, it seemed like you could rarely hide from him. 

Finally, winter break was so close to rolling around, and all you needed to do was take two more exams, and hand in one final paper. Then you were free, and all you needed to do was call up your… friend, Doyoung.

You used the term “friend” very, very loosely. 

Doyoung was the only other rabbit hybrid you trusted enough to spend your heats with, and you really only spoke to him during this time of year. He was kind and soft spoken, and attentive to your needs when you were in heat despite him also being affected by his own rut. He was also insanely good in bed, and not too bad on the eyes either.

He enjoyed your arrangement, and wasn’t looking for anything serious, which you appreciated. This would have been your third heat spent with him.

You called him a week before your heat was due to start, and he swung by your apartment for a quick visit to discuss where you would go, how long your doctor had told you it would last, and generally to just catch up with each other.

Yukhei was out, probably studying with Mark or something. All you knew was that he was out. 

Doyoung was cute. Really cute. His ears, white with black tips were generally stood at attention. His broad shoulders and gummy smile were too much, and even though it was a week before your heat was supposed to start you kind of had to resist jumping his bones when you let him inside. 

You managed, somehow, and he sat down next to you at your small dinner table. 

“So, how’s Lucas?” He asked once all of the details were worked out. You were going to stay at his apartment for the following week.

You pursed your lips, sighing. “He’s, uh… It’s complicated.”

He shook his head, a nervous smile gracing his face.

“What do you mean it’s complicated?”

You shrugged, letting your eyes flutter shut. “It’s a long story.”

“So? Tell it,” He said, ears twitching, “I’ve got all day.”

So you did. From the treatment, to the mutation, to what Jongin had said, to the shift in his behavior, to the argument, to him bringing random girls home, even including the bit about you masturbating to him that one time. You didn’t spare the details, given that you’d probably had more sex with Doyoung within the span of both of your heats than you’d ever had with all of your previous partners combined. There was no point in being vague.

You worried you might be airing out you and Yukhei’s dirty laundry, but continued anyway. Doyoung was a good guy. He wasn’t going to blab to anyone about it. During your whole tirade, he remained emotionless, nodding along to show he was still listening to you. When you finished, he took a deep breath, ears falling against his head. He blinked a few times.

“Phew,” He whistled, “That’s… a lot. Sounds like he’s going through a tough time.”

You nodded, staring at your hands on your lap. “I know. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s gonna yell at me again and I don’t want to have to push him away even more. I miss him, Doie. I miss my best friend.”

Doyoung offered a sympathetic smile, patting you on the back. “Can I be honest?” His voice was soft, not demanding. You, always appreciative of his candor, nodded. 

“I don’t think you just miss your best friend, Y/N.”

Your head snapped upward to meet his gaze, sympathetic smile still there as he continued to rub up and down your back, now slower.

“No goddamn way,” You denied vehemently, shaking your head, “I don’t like him.”

“You’re right,” Doyoung answered, “You don’t like Yukhei. You’re in love with him.”

You spluttered, looking away as you felt your face heat up. “Y-you can’t really mean that, Doyoung. He’s like—"

“Yeah, yeah, your brother. You’ve told everyone and their mother that. But has it ever occurred to you that when you say that, it's just you trying to convince yourself? I see the way you look at him when I come to pick you up before your heats and you say goodbye to him. Your eyes just light up, and you smile like you’re the happiest you’ve ever been.”

“Well, because he makes me happy, he’s my—”

“Veggie lover’s pizza makes you happy, and I don’t see you smiling at it like it invented modern wi-fi. Yukhei? Y/N, he makes you happy happy. As in, if you were an actual bunny and not 25% bunny, you would be doing binkies around him.”

You gasped. “I would not—!”

“Would too,” He retorted, laughing slightly at your antics, “I swear, the way you talk about him—"

He would have continued, but was interrupted by the sound of the key clicking the apartment door open. Quickly, both of your heads turned to watch as Yukhei entered the apartment, eyes immediately trained on Doyoung. His expression was unreadable, but at the end of the day, both you and Doyoung, prey hybrids till the bitter end, could smell the tension that permeated his signature scent. You exchanged glances with the black haired man, and noted that his ears were standing at attention, just like yours.

 “Uh, hey, man,” Doyoung said with his iconic awkward smile, adding an awkward wave as well, “...Long time no see.” 

Yukhei remained silent for a moment as he took off his jacket, eyes still not leaving the other man. “Hello, Doyoung hyung. How have you been?” His voice was monotone, no discernible emotion in it, and you felt like you wanted the earth to swallow you then and there.

“Uhh…” Doyoung side-eyed you for the briefest second, your eyes flashing between him and Yukhei incessantly. Suddenly, you were on edge, and you knew that it was all because of the six foot tall nuisance that had just interrupted your moment with Doyoung.

“I’m... good. I was actually just about to, uh, head home,” He mumbled, and you furrowed your eyebrows as you turned to look at him, kind of taken aback. He was already getting off the couch, making sure he had everything.

You raised a tentative hand. “Hey, Doyoung—”

“Like I told you earlier, I need to go, uh… feed Jeno’s cat since he’s still out of town.”

“Uh,” You blinked, gaping like a fish, remembering the fact that you’d bumped into Jeno at the convenience store earlier today, “Take care, I guess?”

And then, quickly as Yukhei had come, Doyoung had gone, eyeing the wolf hybrid like he was about to get strangled.

When it was just the two of you, your eyes turned to look at Yukhei, and you huffed, before getting up and walking to your room. You closed your door, picking up your phone as you sat at your desk. 

doyoungie: your roommate is insane 

doyoungie: did you see the way he was looking at me? his scent was also super intimidating, y/n

doyoungie: i cant help you out, i dont feel comfortable given everything going on between the two of u

doyoungie: im really sorry y/n 

doyoungie: please be careful around him

You saw red. You chucked the phone onto your bed, too angry and upset to answer Doyoung in that moment.

Everything going on between you and Yukhei had ruined everything these past months, but this was the icing on the cake. If Doyoung wouldn’t help you, you couldn’t go over to his apartment during your heat. If you couldn’t spend your heat at Doyoung’s apartment, you would have to spend it in the apartment, with Yukhei across the hall. And if Yukhei, a predator hybrid, turned out to go into rut at the same time you, a prey hybrid, went into heat… well. 

It wasn’t even a matter of whether you would end up sleeping with him at one point or not. It was the principle of the thing. Yukhei brought home several girls to fuck and you had turned a blind eye. But god forbid you make plans to fuck someone in your own home. No, no, that was heresy. Highest treason in the land.

You slammed your door open, crossing the hall to stomp into Yukhei’s room. You ripped his door open, seething with anger. He turned in surprise, eyebrows furrowed. “Y/N, what—”

“Fuck you, Wong Yukhei,” You spat, getting straight to the point. He opened his mouth to speak, eyebrows turned downwards as he observed your angry frame. But you didn’t let him. 

“How fucking dare you. I said jack shit when you brought home all of those girls. But no, every single time I get close to another guy you put on a pissy face and puff out your chest and scare them away. What gives you the fucking right?”

He scoffed, then gave a humorless laugh. “It’s not my fault your prey hybrid boy toy can’t handle being looked at for more than five seconds.”

Your mouth fell open, glaring at him. You couldn’t believe the way he’d said the words ‘prey hybrid’ like it was something shameful. “What, do you have a problem with us prey hybrids now, or...?”

“Please,” He growled, “You’re always the one who was so willing to push predator hybrids away.”

“You of all people should know why.”

He took a step towards you, eyes meeting yours before looking at the floor. “Of course I did. And that’s why I pushed you away.”

You stared at him, incredulous at his sudden quietness. “No. Don’t you dare spin this as some little ‘woe is me’ sob story. You ghosted me. You treated me like I was trash. Maybe you didn’t want to worry me with this whole thing, which is more on par with the Lucas I know. But my Lucas, my Xuxi, would never have taken it that far.”

“Did it ever occur to you that your stupid little Xuxi isn’t coming back!?” He yelled suddenly, and your eyes widened at his display of anger. He took notice and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, and lowered his voice. 

 Y/N, this entire thing,” He huffed, gesturing to his ears and tail, which was now swishing back and forth restlessly, “It changed me too much."

"Yukhei…"

"You think I didn't want to keep being your Xuxi? T-that I didn't want to pretend that everything was normal and keep patting your head and hugging you in the morning and calling you bunny?" 

Your demeanor faltered, and your heart sank. This wasn't how you wanted this conversation to go.

"Yukhei."

He stepped closer, and you swallowed at his sudden proximity. "I feel this… need. Inside of me. Almost all of the time, but it's strongest when you're close to me. And I don't know what it is, but every time I look at you, I want to…"

"Yukhei," you mumbled dizzily as he took another step forward, basically forcing you up against the wall. You could feel his breath on your skin as he peered down at you, eyes melancholy. He looked lonely. You felt lonely.

"I want to… God, let me kiss you."

Your breath left your body, and before you could give it a second thought, you were tilting your head, eyes falling shut as he pressed his lips to yours.

Immediately, you stood on the tips of your toes to meet him easier, and his hands cupped your face before moving to your back, and then finally splaying possessively around your waist. 

The kiss was urgent, desperate; Yukhei kissed you as if he were dying and you felt the need to match his desperation. As your lips locked against each other's, Yukhei's body stepped closer to yours, his torso now pressed against yours. Your arms rose to his broad shoulders, wrapping around his neck, releasing a whimper when he pressed his tongue into your mouth.

Your stomach lurched when he used his thigh to separate yours, hands trailing down to grasp at your thighs. He pulled away from your lips, trailing to your jaw, and you whimpered, hands combing through his hair. Lower his mouth went, planting open mouthed kisses along your neck, and you felt a fire in your stomach, readying you to submit to him.

Submit?

Your eyes shot open, and your heart dropped, and as you realized what he had said, how he had said it, you were pushing him off of you. He stumbled back, chest heaving, eyes scared, lips swollen and pink. He seemed to have realized what he’d done. “Y/N, I didn’t mean t—”

“No.” You couldn’t look him in the eye, clenching your jaw. “I came here to say that I was tired of being treated like your property when all I’ve ever been is your friend. You turned it around and used that tone with me and you used it to kiss me. I-I can’t, Yukhei. Why would you even—”

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Your eyes widened as you met his, and you slumped against the wall, inhaling sharply. You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came out. He took this as his cue to continue, eyes pleading and apologetic as he leaned against his desk, giving you the space you suddenly needed.

“That’s no excuse, I know that. It’s literally the worst possible excuse I could give you. I don’t know how to control this thing yet and I’m… Y/N, I’m scared that I’ll hurt you with my words or all of this strength I now have combined with instincts I don’t understand and it terrifies me. And now, with this whole mating season thing coming I feel them even stronger and I...”

“Yukhei, you’re not making any sense,” You said, voice barely above a whisper. He looked up, eyes suddenly teary. 

“How can I make my thoughts make sense when you’re the only thing on my mind right now?”

You pursed your lips, eyes squeezing shut. Your stomach swirled and your mind was jumbled, unsure what to tell him. 

“Yukhei, what are your instincts even telling you?” 

He shook his head, expression agitated as he looked you up and down. Finally, his eyes landed on your neck, and he groaned, shoving his face into his hands. 

“I can’t hurt you, Y/N. I would never forgive myself if I did.”

Your breath hitched, heart rate beginning to pick up. “Yukhei, I need you to tell me what is going on with you. Then, we can call Taemin and he—he’ll figure something out.”

“I need to bite you. A-and you need to leave, so I can leave before I do something I regret.”

“Yukhei, hold on a second—”

“Y/N,” He growled, and you felt all of the hairs on your head stand straight up, animal instincts going haywire, “Leave.” 

Even if he hadn’t used that tone with you, you would have done so. And you did, bolting out of his room, quickly grabbing your phone from your room and then darting out of the apartment, out of the building and somewhere onto the street, legs shaking and heart broken.

You ran for several blocks, stopping once you felt comfortable, which just so happened to be in front of a cafe a few minutes from your apartment. You went in and ordered, sitting at a table in the window, staring blankly at the cup in front of you. You felt numb. Yukhei was making absolutely no sense, and your thoughts were too jumbled for you to try and decipher what he was trying to tell you. There was only one thing that you could make sense of.

Because I’m in love with you. 

God, you wanted to slam your head into the table, his words echoing in your head. He’d looked so candid, so vulnerable, so scared saying those six words, that it honestly kind of petrified you. After everything you’d thought about, everything you’d been told, and everything you’d said to each other, you were being forced with the truth, and you honestly weren’t sure if you could handle it.

Yes, you loved Yukhei. But what best friend doesn’t love their best friend? There was such a difference between loving and being in love, but in that moment you couldn’t be sure of any. 

Yukhei had always been there for you. He understood your boundaries, understood that you wanted to be an independent person, but wasn’t afraid to support you if he felt you needed it. Whenever you were sad, or frustrated, he was there. And vice versa. You understood that Yukhei, despite his intimidating looks, muscles and tall frame was just a gentle giant, sometimes not confrontational enough to stand up for himself. And yes, he was confident, but you knew that deep down he would always feel like he wasn’t good enough, just a little bit. And whenever that feeling became too heavy for him to carry, you’d be the one to pick him up and help him carry the weight.

Your mutual understanding of each other went so much more than just finishing each other’s sentences sometimes. With a simple movement, both of you could tell whether the other was upset, or excited, or angry. 

You sighed, taking another sip of your coffee.

Yukhei was kind, and he didn’t worry about what problems he might have in the future. He was funny, sometimes making you laugh till you cried because it was just an innate talent of his. And fuck’s sake, he was hot. And you… you, the worrisome, blunt hybrid who trailed behind him because he lit up your days, you were…

Oh my god. I’m in love with Yukhei.

You spluttered, immediately coughing as you choked on your coffee, attracting the attention of the people around you. It took you awhile, but you eventually managed to catch your breath, avoiding the questioning gazes of everyone around you. You were left with your head spinning, foot tapping anxiously. 

You needed to get back to the apartment.

You paid for the unfinished cup of coffee in a hassle, and ran back up the street as fast as your legs could carry you. You realized that all of the running you’d been doing meant your hair would be frizzy and you would smell like sweat once you got back, but you couldn’t care less.

 All you needed was to see him.

If you’d been able to talk him down from his own thoughts before, like that day in the bathroom and times before that, if you’d been able to get through to him before, it wouldn’t be that hard now, would it? You needed to know he was okay and that he knew that everything would work out in the end. 

You dashed onto your street, mind filled with only Yukhei and his wellbeing, for once being a bit reckless when it came to your own safety. Yes, he’d told you to leave. But that didn’t matter anymore, you thought as you rushed into the building and pulled yourself into the elevator. He was your only concern, now.

Your heart pounded as you stood in the elevator. Your leg never ceased its insistent tapping. Waiting, waiting, waiting for the doors to slide open. It took an eternity, but finally, you heard a ding! And when the doors opened, you bolted. You ran down the hall, reaching your door before you pulled out your key and unlocked the door, not thinking twice before swinging it open.

“Yukhei!?”

Your loud, breathless voice rang out through the apartment, but there was no response. As you caught your breath, you noted that the scent of cinnamon and earth was still there, but faint, as if Yukhei had vanished into thin air. Your heart sank.

“Yukhei?” You asked again, voice now quieter as you realized that he was probably gone. Your face fell, and part of you began to wonder why you even expected him to still be here.  

Walking towards his room, where the trace of his scent was strongest, you gnawed on the inside of your cheek, silently asking yourself where you would go from here. The vibration of your phone caught your attention, and you pulled it out of your pocket to see what the notification was. Your eyes softened at seeing Yukhei’s contact name grace your screen, but your gaze quickly turned gloomy when you saw how long his text was. That was never a good thing.

xuxi: Hey. I’m sorry about everything that just happened, and for scaring you like that. I’m gonna be staying at Taemin hyung’s until your heat passes. I don’t know how long that is, but I know it was supposed to start sometime next week? I want to keep distance from you until either hyung or I can understand what’s going on with me, and I don’t want to do or say anything that’s gonna damage our friendship. Please don’t worry about me, Y/N. I’m fine. Don’t think that I think you can’t be around other guys, because I don’t. I want you to be happy. And if you feel like you never want to see me once this is all over, then I’ll totally understand. I’ve been an asshole and I treated you horribly because I was acting selfishly. Take care.

You slumped against the wall, swallowing the growing lump in your throat. 

How on earth did everything get this messed up?

The last few days before winter break were miserable. You spent the rest of that night after the argument with Yukhei crying out of frustration at the situation, falling asleep with puffy eyes and a runny nose. Eventually, however, you had to force yourself out of your pity party, because despite everything going on, you still had two exams to study for and a paper to turn in. 

Your paper was going to turn out mediocre, at best. You simply couldn’t put your heart into it despite the fact that it was 10% of your final grade for the semester. Thankfully, it was due Friday, and the first exam was on Monday and the other on Tuesday, leaving you a full three days to finish it, and you’d done pretty well in the subject all semester, so if you flubbed the paper, it wouldn’t be so bad. 

As for your exams, they weren’t your best, but you’d live. Exams this late were always hellish for you, because on top of all of the stress, your pre-heat symptoms were starting to set in. You felt tired, sluggish, and irritable. 

You thought of Yukhei almost all week during what little free time you got. You didn't see him on campus all week, but you knew from texting Taemin that he was still going. According to him, he wasn’t talking to anyone much. Not even Baekhyun could cheer him up, and Yukhei loved Baekhyun’s jokes.

You never responded to the long text Yukhei had sent you. You weren’t sure what to say, and after a certain amount of days had passed it just felt awkward to try and respond to him. 

Finally, Friday rolled around, and you strolled onto campus, ready to hand in your paper, go to your last few lectures, and then buy yourself some snacks to prepare to hole up in your apartment for a week during your heat. You wished you could just turn it in online, but this professor was probably as old as the university itself, and still preferred doing things the old fashioned way.

You sat down next to Mark right before your history lecture, about two hours before your paper was supposed to be turned in. 

“Hey, how have you been?” Mark asked, and you shrugged. 

“I’m pretty much over everything,” You sighed, “All I need is to turn in my paper to Wang and I’m out of here.”

“Can I see?” He asked. “Mine sucks and I wanted to compare.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” You answered, turning to open your bag. You rummaged through it, looking between your notes, laptop, and old pieces of paper, before frowning. 

“No fucking way,” You muttered to yourself, looking through the contents of your bag again, now more frantic. 

“What? Do you not have it?”

“No,” You answered, turning to him, sounding desperate. “I think I left it on my desk this morning. God, I’m so stupid.”

“Why don’t you just go get it?” Mark said, tilting his head. “Your place isn’t that far.”

You eyed the professor, who was preparing his presentation before the class started, weighing your options.

“...You’re right. I’ll be back in like, half an hour.”

And so you set off, power walking back to your apartment, which was right off campus. When you got to your building, you stepped into the elevator and heard your phone ring. You looked at who was calling first, furrowing your eyebrows. Hesitantly, you picked up.

“Taem? What’s up?” You asked, looking through your bag for your keys.

“Hey, Y/N.” Taemin sounded anxious, and it didn’t do anything to dissipate your confusion. “I just wanted to let you know that Yukhei said he would be passing by the apartment to get some more clothes, but uh… I forgot to ask him what time, and now he isn’t answering my texts or my calls. He was acting kind of… weird this morning. He didn’t say anything to you, did he?”

You blinked, swallowing at the idea of seeing him again after not having said anything to each other. Suddenly, your heart seemed to be beating a lot faster than it had been a second ago. “Um. No. He didn’t. But um… thanks for letting me know. I’ll just be going—” 

“Wait, Y/N!”

“Taemin, what?”

“Have you ever heard of Tanaka’s Theory of Hybrid Compatibility?” He blurted, and you made a face, trying to figure out what he was talking about.

“...No?”

The elevator dinged, and you stepped out as he began to explain. 

“I was doing research after running some DNA tests on Yukhei, yesterday, to see if I would be able to gauge whether he’d be going into rut or not. This theory says that two hybrids of different animal types could trigger each other’s mating instincts—”

“Wait, wait, wait, I thought that wasn’t possible—”

“That’s what a lot of people thought, until Tanaka and her team published this study about a year ago. She did an experiment where she paired up hybrids of different animal types, and induced heat in only one of them, to see if it triggered rut or heat in the other hybrid. She concluded that it was possible, but only if the hybrids had already formed a deep emotional bond. Y/N, you and Yukhei…”

You stopped right outside of your apartment, dead in your tracks. “D—Taem. Do you think that could happen if…?”

You didn’t finish, and Taemin sighed. “Yeah,” He said, voice quiet. “I think he might be in the very early stages of rut. Please, please be careful, Y/N.”

You stared at the door, before sighing. “I will, Taemin. Thank you for calling me.”

You hung up, trying to absorb everything you’d just been told. Cautiously, you inserted the key into the lock, trying to be quiet. A chill rolled through your body as you stepped into the apartment. For some reason, it seemed so much more quiet than it usually was. You gulped. Hurriedly, with quiet footsteps, you approached your bedroom. You sighed in relief upon seeing the paper on your desk, and grabbed it, stuffing it carefully into your bag before turning to exit. 

“Hey.”

You shrieked in surprise, your skeleton nearly jumping out of your skin when you saw Yukhei in the doorway of his bedroom, staring intently at you. Immediately, you knew something was wrong. His eyes were wide like saucers, eyeing you up and down. His body seemed tense. His scent was overpowering. You scrunched your nose once it hit you.

“Y-Yukhei. What are you—Um, how have you been?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” He said, wide eyes never leaving you. You felt like he was studying you, and you squirmed underneath his gaze, “Just peachy. A little hot. What are you doing here?”

His sentences were quick and snippy, as if he were jumpy. You spluttered, gathering your thoughts.

“Oh,” You mumbled, “Um… I forgot my paper on my desk. I needed to come and get it.”

 The entire time, you never stopped looking at him. He seemed poised, ready to strike, looking for the moment he could catch you off guard. You swallowed, trying to step past him, “I need to turn this in later, so I’ll just…”

He grabbed your wrist before you could get out of his arms’ reach, cornering you against the wall. 

“I need to… talk to you,” He muttered, eyes trained on your face.

“Yukhei, you’re kind of freaking me out,” You answered, looking away from his face. Your own face was suddenly hot, animal instincts were screaming at his proximity, at his scent, begging you to either get away or pull him closer. Danger, one side of your brain whispered, while the other said, want.

“Just hear me out,” He answered, deep voice quiet and raspy. “I missed you this week. Missed my bunny.”

You looked away, unsure what to do. 

dangerdangerdangerdangerdanger

He lifted a hand to lift your chin, forcing you to meet his gaze. You gasped, realizing that his eyes were a bright yellow. Had they always been that color or was it only now noticeable due to his proximity?

wantwantwantwantwantwant

“Y-Yukhei,” You mumbled again, panting as he brushed his lips against yours.

DANGERDANGERDANGERDANGER

In that moment, your animal instincts took over. What happened next happened in less than ten seconds, but felt like an eternity.

See, when rabbits feel threatened, they bite their attacker. You knew this. Yukhei knew this. So it should’ve been no surprise to either of you when you shifted your neck, quickly striking and giving his neck a harsh bite. Your animal instincts expected him to back off. But instead, he groaned loudly, pressing you even further into the wall, gripping your hips and pressing himself against you. You froze, feeling something hard press against your hip. 

“So you want to bite me too,” He growled, “But I want to bite you harder.”

WANTWANTWANTWANTWANT

You whimpered, as he, agonizingly slowly, pressed his mouth to your neck, baring his teeth. He tugged your head to the side, and you squeezed your eyes shut, waiting for the bite to come, almost welcoming it. 

But it never did. 

Instead, when you opened your eyes, you saw that Yukhei was trembling. 

“I can’t,” He whispered, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

You swallowed, realizing what was going on. 

“You won’t,” You answered, matching the tone of his voice. “Xuxi, wolves bite like this to mate, not to attack.”

“Huh?” His amber eyes studied your face, searching for anything other than the uncertainty etched upon it. 

“You’re not biting me to hurt me,” You said, stroking his cheek, “It’s because you wanna mark me as yours.”

“But you’re not mine,” He murmured, still trembling, “You don’t love me the way I love you.” 

You shook your head, head spinning as the heat on your face spread across your body at the sensation of his body against yours.

“Except I do.” Your voice was hoarse. “I love you, Lucas. I realize that now.”

You tilted your head back, revealing the expanse of your neck. He growled in approval as you did. “And I want to be yours, forever.”

He didn’t mark you then. Instead, he craned his neck to catch your lips with his. You cried out softly when he did, his hands coming down to lift one of your legs, wrapping it around his hip. 

“Jump,” He said into the kiss, and you did, without question. The feeling of uneasiness, of danger, melted away, leaving you only with want. He dragged you back to his room, tossing you onto his bed with ease. 

You whimpered as you let him go, now fully aware that you’d entered your heat, and you wouldn’t be satiated until he made you cum. You watched, as he stared down at you with a predatory gaze—go figure—pulling off the t-shirt he was wearing. He crawled on top of you, not saying a word before he kissed you again. 

Your hands roamed, tracing down his back and up your sides as he squeezed your thighs with his large hands, sliding up the skirt you were wearing. 

“Please don’t tease,” You whined between kisses, “N-need you.”

“My bunny needs me?” He asked, chest rumbling with pride, and you nodded. He tugged off your shirt, leaving you in only your bra and your skirt. He pressed a kiss to your neck, before inhaling deeply and groaning. 

“God, is this what you smell like when you’re in heat?” His voice was raspy, lustful; you felt punch drunk at the sound of it. “You smell fucking divine.” You nodded, reaching for the button on his jeans. You didn’t trust your voice.

“Bunny, you’re on the pill, right?” He asked suddenly, sounding a lot more sober than he had just a few seconds ago. Your eyes darted up to his face, noting his ears twitching nervously. You nodded. “Y-yeah, why?”

He pressed a kiss to your temple, before lowering his mouth to your ear. “Because as much as I want to pump you full of my pups right now, I know you probably don’t want that for us now.”

God, he was the human definition of whiplash. You straight up moaned at the idea, eyes squeezing shut as you pulled his pants down. “S-sounds good on paper. R-really good,” You declared, “But in practice… Not right now.”

He nodded, smiling softly. You realized he was wagging his tail, and you smiled gleefully. “Anything for my bunny.” 

Yukhei pressed another kiss to your temple, before pulling your skirt down, hands kneading at your newly exposed flesh. You lifted yourself off of the mattress to press wet kisses to his collarbone, ignoring the desperation beneath your skin. Still, your mind screamed.

WANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANT

“Xuxi,” You said, “Please hurry and fuck me already.”

“I don’t wanna wait either,” He admitted, grinning wolfishly. With not another word, he pulled your panties to the side, and slowly pressed a finger inside. 

Your breath hitched, feeling like when you scratch at an itch, but can’t find the exact spot. Content, but not yet satisfied. 

“You’re so wet,” He mumbled, “All of this is for me, right, Y/N?”

You nodded insistently, legs spreading further to allow him enough space. He was so big, nearly engulfing you as he hovered over you. And his fingers were so long, reaching far further than your fingers could when you pretended yours were his. 

“Lucas…” Your voice was high, breathless, “More, please.”

"So needy for me, hm?" Yukhei chuckled darkly, adding another finger. His smile grew when you tightened around him. "Tell me what you want, bunny." 

"Fuck," You groaned, "I want you to fuck me and make me yours. W-want to be stuffed and filled with your cum. Want y-your pups, wanna be yours."

His amber eyes glowed in admiration, peering down at you. "Fuck, that's a good girl." 

He tugged off your bra, but got a little too impatient when he got to your panties, and you gasped in surprise when you felt the seams snap. Your eyes darted to Lucas's hands, which were now holding the broken fabric with a smug look on his face.

"Oops."

You huffed, not caring about the underwear. Lifting yourself off of the mattress, you pulled him in for a kiss, and he responded with fervor. His tongue dipped into your mouth, swallowing your eager moans. In your eagerness, you reached into his underwear, wrapping your hand around his member. 

You gasped into the kiss, feeling how hard he was. Even without looking, eyes still shut as you focused mostly on kissing him, you could feel he was big. You wondered, momentarily, if he would even fit. Yukhei pulled away from you, lowering his eyes to watch your hand stroking him. You did as well, swallowing at the sight. He wasn’t too thick, but he was incredibly long. The tip was a pretty shade of red, precum leaking steadily out.

“You want me to fuck you?” He asked, mouth brushing against yours, panting slightly.

You nodded, canting your hips in an attempt to entice him. He pulled his fingers out of your pussy, brushing against your clit intentionally. You keened, looking up at him. 

“Yeah, baby,” You answered, pushing him away slightly, to turn around, and prop yourself onto your knees. He groaned at the sight of your wetness, one finger teasing at your hole. He came closer to you, and his free hand pulled you up. His chest was pressed against your back. He pressed a kiss to one of your shoulder blades, resting his head on his shoulder to speak to you.  

“One day, I’m gonna sit you down on my face and eat you until you forget your name. But right now, I can’t hold back anymore. Need to be inside of you.”

You nodded in agreement, bated as he gripped one of your hips, the other nudging you gently between the shoulder blades, so your face was buried between the pillows. You inhaled, whining lightly at how much it smelled like him, like Yukhei. 

“All mine,” He growled, sliding inside of you. He was met with no resistance, your walls sucking him in with no protest.

“Yours,” You agreed, rocking your hips lightly against his. He groaned loudly, gripping your hips tightly. 

“S-so tight,” He groaned, with a little laugh, “I can barely move.”

“Please, Xuxi,” You whined, voice muffled, “N-need it.”

His grip tightened, and he gave a hard thrust, to which you responded with a loud noise. He immediately set a brutal pace. He bent over, practically covering your body with his own. You could feel the heat radiating off of his body, his grunts and growls right into your ear.

Your hand reached behind you, trying to grab him in some way. He registered what you were trying to do, and reached out to take your hand in his. “Who’s making you feel this good, bunny?”

“Ah, you, Lucas,” You cried, and Yukhei pressed a kiss to the junction of your shoulder and neck. 

“You think Doyoung could fuck you this good, baby?”

Your stomach curled at his words, and you shook your head. “N-no,” You said, hips bucking back to meet his. “Don’t want him, want you.” 

“F-fuck, that’s my girl, you just wanna be mine, huh?��

You nodded, unable to answer at the pleasure coursing through your veins. Yukhei wasn’t satisfied by this, evident in the way he tugged on your hair and pulled your head up. You shrieked not only at the pleasure, but also how unexpected it was. Yukhei was always one to be gentle, but now, with the need he felt to fuck you until you were both satiated, all of his mercy went out the window. 

“Use your fucking words,” Yukhei snarled, hips never letting up. You whimpered, eyes closing.

This wasn’t Yukhei, or Lucas, or Xuxi. No, this was pure, unbridled, alpha wolf taking the reins. And in this moment, you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“Y-yeah, I want you to make me yours,” You answered in a small, shaky voice.

“You wanna be my bitch, baby?”

“Fuck,” You moaned, pussy clenching at his question, “Please…”

“Please what, bunny?” The wolf asked, voice sickly sweet, and you bit your lip, trying not to cry out. “P-please make me your bitch, baby.”

He pressed a kiss to your shoulder again, letting go of your hair. You fell back onto the mattress, practically boneless; you couldn’t find it within you to hold yourself up. His hands found their way back to your hips, using them as leverage as he pounded into you.

“What my bitch wants, my bitch gets.”

His hips sped up, something you didn’t know was possible. You were vaguely aware of his headboard ramming into the wall, but you couldn’t care less. All you could care about was the growing pleasure bubbling in the pit of your stomach, which only boiled hotter when you reached between your legs to pinch at your clit.

Yukhei groaned at the same moment you did, relishing in the way your walls clenched at the sensation.

“How the fuck are you still so tight?” He said. You craned your neck to get a good look at him, chest tightening at the sight.

His tan skin glowed with sweat, eyes rolled up into his head, mouth open as he let loose grunts and groans, and his light brown hair was matted with sweat. The dark ears on his head were twitching furiously and his cheeks were flushed. You felt like you could have cum from the sight alone.

 Could have, because the awkward angle made your neck hurt, and it pained you to not be able to touch his skin or tug on his hair. 

Yukhei opened his eyes immediately when you muttered out a soft, “stop, stop,” his hips stopping much to his discomfort. He sighed in relief when he realized you just wanted to change your position. You whined softly in discomfort when his cock slipped out of you, shaky legs doing their best to maneuver into the position you wanted.

You flopped down onto your back in front of him, staring up at him. “Come on,” You said breathlessly, parting your legs, “You know what I want you to do.”

He exhaled, eyes scanning your sweaty body, taking in just how beautiful you looked beneath him. “Fuck, I love you so much,” He declared, settling in between your legs, slipping back into you with ease.

You took advantage of the position, wrapping your legs around his waist, trying to pull him closer. Your hands wrapped around him, reaching for his back. You dug your nails into the skin, and he huffed slightly at the pinch of pain.

He growled with pride when his eyes darted down to where you were connected. “Fuck, that’s so hot, bunny. You’re so fucking tiny.”

Your eyes followed his, and you whined when you realized that there was a bulge sticking out of your tummy. 

He immediately retook his rhythm, pounding away like there was no tomorrow, voice getting louder. It was still a bit far, but you could tell he was approaching his high, just like you. He was pressing wet kisses to your breasts, large hands groping them. Your head fell back, mind completely blank.  

“X-Xuxi, I’m c-close,” You mumbled, “Please touch me.”

He nodded, lifting off of one of your nipples to meet your eyes. “Shit, me too,” He agreed, voice shaky. His lips travelled to your neck, one hand travelling to your clit. You moaned loudly, throwing your head back to reveal more of the skin of your neck. 

“Gonna make you mine,” He growled, “Gonna fuck you full of my pups, show everyone who you belong to.”

His hips were losing their finesse, their rhythm, pace turning sloppy as his hand rubbed at your clit, hoping to make you cum.

“Yes, yes, yes,” You cried nonsensically, toes curling. “Make me yours, Lucas, ah, fuck, w-want it so bad!”

And then he sunk his teeth into your neck, and you tumbled over the edge, a lot harder than you ever expected it to be. You were drowning in a dizzying mix of pleasure and pain, vision blurring as your body writhed against Yukhei like a woman possessed. You cried out his name one final time, voice dying after you did. 

You heard him groan against you, hips grinding against you as he released inside of you. Your mind immediately realized what was going on as his cock swelled within your walls, eyes snapping open as the sheer size of his knot caused you to cry out. Whether that was from the burn of being stretched beyond your limits, or the satisfaction of stuffed with him. 

 You were wordless when you managed to come down, breathing heavily, his head resting on your collar bone. The need that had been itching inside of you had gone away, for now. Your mind cleared up, and you were suddenly very aware of the fact that Yukhei was naked, on top of you, and now the two of you were stuck together for god knows how long. The few words you had exchanged prior were under the influence of his rut and, subsequently, your heat, and even before that, an argument that led to you not speaking to each other for a week.

"So…" You muttered, voice hoarse.

"Uhh…" Lucas lifted his head, tired eyes meeting yours. They were back to brown. "I take this as an 'apology accepted'?" 

You rolled your eyes, swatting his arm playfully. "You're not completely out of the woods yet, asshole. You were a huge dick. But what matters now is that we're together, and I love you. We can work the rest out later."

Yukhei's hand brushed a stray hair out of your face, smiling softly at you. "I don't deserve you," He murmured, "But I promise I'll do my best to treat you like a queen." 

You pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I'd like that."

You both fell asleep slightly after, whispering sweet nothings and promises of a better tomorrow into each other's ears.

And when Taemin—who had worried about Yukhei not coming back to his apartment got worried enough to use your hidden spare key to get into the apartment—woke you up, screeching at the "ungodly sight" of your naked bodies pressed against one another, you laughed, despite Yukhei's possessive instincts kicking in and covering your body with his.

Because you finally had Yukhei in your arms, and, regardless of whether he's got fluffy ears and a tail or not, you were happy to call yourself his.

[darkobssessions]

Coping Tips for Autistic Women

I am compiling a list of resources for aspie women along with tips to manage symptoms and navigate the world. Regretably, most of my personal experience comes from living undiagnosed and unaware about this for the last 27 years. There was a giant elephant in the room with everything, and I have only recently worked it out. This means that most of my habits prior to this point were ones attempting to cope with a giant unknown, the limits of which were unclear. But they more or less worked, because, as I am realising, there’s always been something they are attempting to address.

With other diagnoses and ways I attempted to explain and understand my difficulties, there were finite causes and treatments. I should have been improving if I tried x, y, or z. And I did improve my symptoms in many ways, but there was something missing from the picture. That is that autism is my personality, my state of being, how I process and view the world. And no tool, medication, process or treatment was ever going to change who I really was. Being misdiagnosed (or being missed and failing to receive the autism diagnosis) means that I have been trying to correct something that you cant ‘correct’, and shaming myself for something fundamentally me.

Some of the tips I learned over time, from how I am as a person, without the framework of reference of neurodivergence or autism:

Sensory:

My sensitivity has always been a big waving flag. I felt and saw things others didn’t. I felt more deeply. I sensed the microeffects and changes in everything. I responded harder and faster to any chemical, environmental shift, any positive or negative event, As we all do on the spectrum, we attempt to navigate our sensory environment. And we come up with coping mechanisms, good or bad, before or after we realise we are on the spectrum. For me this was a strong aversion to the things that upset me, that disturbed my senses. It was an orienting of myself in a way to avoid the disturbances, going inwards, withdrawing and even shutting down. I learned that I could not and did not want to handle crowds, loud places, supermarkets. I lived in a giant simulation attempting to minimise and avoid as much as possible the things that hurt. I learned that I was extremely sensitive, no one else seemed to be, and I just had to manage it. Since discovering autism in the last weeks, I am able to embrace the fact that sensory overload is a thing, and I really do feel pain in my body when things are too much and too loud, and just wearing earplugs has mitigated so much of this. I was gas lighting myself before about feeling a certain way because there was no explanation, that I was aware of anyway.

Physical:

I have had so many problems over the years, since I was a young girl. I used to get food poisoning symptoms really easily. I had hidden allergies. I remember a lot of my childhood spent doubled up with stomach pains, or having a fever. My family didn’t know any better and fed me and treated me as they did every other member. I was not the same, I did not feel the same, but I took it all in. By the time I was in my early teen years, I had cemented my aversion to certain foods, taken the only control I had at the time against an encroaching and controlling mother and turned it into anorexia. I avoided things I didn’t like, again, and set up a system of control that made more sense than the gaping wounds and confusion within me. Starvation triggered bulimia. And a viscous cycle of malnourishment and dysregulation unfolded. I didn’t learn until many, many years later that my system was so sensitive and damaged that if I tried to go back to how I used to eat as a child, I would get terrible symptoms. So my coping tips as I have healed from the eating disorders and become more aware is to figure out what the triggers are, what hurts, and to avoid it. This along with adding in nutrient dense foods and working on the deficiencies has done wonders for me. I’ve done tremendous work on my autoimmune conditions, gut problems, sensitivities and inflammation levels and the difference is like night and day. That I can induce psychotic symptoms by deviating or introducing foods I am intolerant to is no joke. The tip I can share is elimination diets truly do work, the keto diet is recommended, and eating the carnivorous way saved my life. My eating disorders for almost 15 years INCLUDING the 7.5 years I was a vegan, mostly high raw and fruitarian depleted my nutrients so badly that every symptom was enhanced 100% and I was eating pretty much ONLY food I was actually intolerant to. Ahem, plants, I’m talking to you. The peace I feel, the nourishment and rest on a nervous system level having eliminated them is unreal.

Social:

I have always known I was different, in a deep, visceral way. How the adults in my life answered questions was inadequate. I saw through people and things. I was far too intense and serious. I learned to watch and observe humans and pick up cues so as to attempt to fit in. I spent the majority of my life masking, something I am only now finding out about and unraveling. I kept notes on the human experience, and saved colours, sounds, feelings, because I felt like I couldn’t communicate the truth of myself otherwise. Over the course of my life there have been inexplicable (until now) events. Lost friendships and relationships, strings of broken promises, people not acting on what they say, confusions and miscommunications, and many dangerous situations and predatory bonds. I made what sense I could of it from whatever lens I could find. It was the trauma, it was my soul contract, it was what I deserved, it was being targeted- all close, but not quite within the realm of being so naive, open and fundamentally different as you are on the spectrum. I just always assumed everybody was like me. I had to learn the very extremely hard way that not everyone felt and thought in the same way, nor had good intentions. I still struggle with the fact that humans don’t tell the truth. It is of no relevance whether they secretly know it. Most people are more comfortable with illusions. I always knew this, but the diagnosis gives me a lot more peace around it. It’s allowing me to accept the fact that if I look around the majority of the people I see are not walking around processing and over-analysing everything, feeling sounds, decoding patterns and obsessed with hacking the code of reality. Less pressure that way, and more in the way of what can be viewed as natural interaction on my part. I will solve the mystery of the universe out loud otherwise, and get the blank looks and the discomfort. I have found my people, a tribe of likeminded individuals, I have gathered friends over the years that didn’t run from my weirdness. But I am mostly content to be on my own, knowing that I can only use what is around me to try to convey how I feel and who I really am. And that will probably be a book, a movie or a work of art, much better than a 2pm rendezvous when I can’t stop talking about the hidden signs.

Emotional:

With the intensity of my emotions I have developed borderline personality disorder as a means to cope with being autistic and not knowing. I have been diagnosed with both that and bipolar because I have intense stints of emotions. They come and go in waves, lasting hours, lasting days and weeks. I consider it to be an energy management system to cope with the demands and stressors of modern day living. Creatives always withdraw and hibernate, and come out with new insights and art to share. The way that I feel and view the world is special. It’s at the basis of my writing, what I choose to engage with and how. My emotions make me who I am. I feel intensely, I share passionately about how I feel. I snap, I break, I shutdown, I come out again and I am a bright, shooting star. There is an excited little animal that lives within me and it is the strongest most passionate thing known to man. I thought that my negative experiences or trauma killed it, but this is before I knew it IS me and cannot die. So I have stopped trying to cram these emotions in or explain them. Stopped trying to attribute them to whatever script people were following when they dealt with me. Throwing me into the depressive, anxious, panic stricken, eating disordered basket case category. The missing piece now makes so much sense. The ways I responded to being autistic were coping mechanisms, such as developing a personality disorder, to deal with the pressure. My psyche splintered under the weight. My tip here is in embracing your inner life and world, embracing that you are different, so that all of the mental and emotional acrobatics needed to attempt to explain the issues or fit in can be put to rest.

Spiritual:

Being different and feeling differently means I naturally saw and expressed things in quite a strange way. I was convinced of a secret world to reality, behind reality, living on behind a paper shell, so to speak, that would rip if only I could reach out and tear it aside. That conviction was rewarded as year after year my awareness grew, my gifts multiplied, and the experiences I had revealed to me the hidden hand of god. There was very much design to the universe, a pattern, weaving through all things. And i was a part of it, not some discarded afterthought or simple byproduct that had no place. In the early years, I kept my convictions to myself, nursed them with experience. I died a thousand deaths in dark nights of the soul, crashing against the turf of my ignorance. I broke open, and everything I had been so sure of as a child was revealed to me again and again. I was convinced I had a purpose, I could feel the deep tides of human emotion and motion, could feel into the genetic sequence that had birthed me. I felt like an alien, but that slowly over time the map of my operation was being revealed to me. This is what it feels like so many years later to stand here and find out about being autistic and realise that how I felt in my soul all these years was real, and that I can begin to truly fulfill this mission now, to share my experience in words I know others will understand because they feel the same way too. It was the challenges that I never understood, while the gifts were the reason to stay alive. My message to myself and others now is that there is a point, a reason to persevere and understand yourself more. The suffering reveals so much of the true state of things, so that we can protect our tender hearts and build new things that honour who we really are, our souls. 

Resources, movies, literature to follow. I just wanted to share something of a summary now of my realisations since coming home to myself.

[shadow-sovereign]

1. So, here is another idea: The relationship between South Korea and Japan are bad, so one of the politicans comes up with an idea: a hunter exchange programm between Korea and Japan. Some hunters from Korea stay with the Drawn Sword Guild and some hunters form Japan stay with one of their guilds. Each hunter has a "mentor" in the guild they are staying. Jin-Woo is among the hunters who go to Japan and his mentor is Goto Ryuji who is not happy playing babysitter for an E-Rank hunter.

2. But he has to play nice because of politics. So Jin-Woo is living with Ryuji. Ryuji’s first impression of the Korean is: "weak but kind of cute" and "looks like a puppy". Of course Jin-Woo still goes into Gates (with other D and E rank hunters) and one day the dual-dungeon-incident happens. They suspect that he experienced a double awakening, but their magical power detector says otherwise. Ryuji is still suspicious because Jin-Woo feels different to his senses.

3. As if something about him has changed so he watches him. And every day he feels stronger than before, and suddenly he grows muscles over night. He is like a puzzle Ryuji can not resist solving. They get closer every day. But Jin-Woo’s time in Japan runs out and he has to return to Korea.

This would be a very interesting dynamic. Ryuji as a general rule does not respect Hunters that are weak. He would not have a very high opinion of Jin-Woo at first. Even his reasons for being a Hunter would just be baffling to him.

Putting his life on the line to keep his mother on life support? It would be one thing if it was for life-saving treatment, to actually make his mother better. He could understand making that kind of sacrifice for a parent if it would actually save the person. But to make an indefinite sacrifice for a parent that’s always going to be in a coma?

I see Ryuji as maybe being a dutiful son, but not being particularly close to them. Maybe they were the kind of parents who worked a lot and thought the way to make your kid happy was through material goods. He always had food, nice clothes, and plenty of gifts on his birthday and holidays. Did it really matter if they weren’t always home on time for dinner?

This has led to Ryuji to being distant in general and very self-sufficient. He doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to others or forming attachments to them. That distance from humanity led to feeling superiority to humanity. He convinced himself that he doesn’t need others, so he must be better than them.

Watching Jin-Woo constantly getting hurt for someone else’s sake doesn’t really change his mind, either. Maybe he’ll even try to talk Jin-Woo out of it, as an odd form of pity. He can at least respect how persist Jin-Woo is at working towards his goals, even if he thinks said goals are pointless.

The conversation doesn’t really go over well. E-rank Jin-Woo is kind of timid, but he’s absolutely livid at this self-absorbed rich asshole telling him to let his mother die….because it doesn’t benefit him?? Maybe he goes on a rant about all that his mother has done for him growing up and not wanting her to die is reason enough for his sacrifice.

It could possibly lead to them discussing different philosophies later, assuming I can figure out how to write that. At the very least, I want them to have a discussion about the inherent value of human lives and how people don’t have to be “useful”. It’ll at least make Ryuji introspective, but I don’t think he’s going to have a big change of heart right away. He’ll eventually learn how to care about people, but he’s always going to be a bit selfish.

Now, winding back to the start – how does Jin-Woo get selected for the exchange program? He’s the weakest Hunter there is. ‘Wouldn’t it look bad on Korea for me to get sent over?’, he asks. But the fact that he keeps working as a Hunter despite his weakness is exactly why they chose him.

Unlike Ryuji, other people are quite moved by his story. About how he risks his life every time he steps through a gate to pay his mother’s hospital bills. How he raised his sister after their mother fell into a coma, their father presumed killed in a gate. And how he’s raising money to put her through university.

In addition to what they normally pay him to go through Gates, they give him extra for every day he’s in Japan, plus they pay for his travel expenses. Plane ticket and a decent budget for food. With him staying with Ryuji, he at least doesn’t have to pay for housing in Japan, which is useful since he still has to pay the bills for his sister in Korea.

It’s difficult for him to be separated from her for so long. Perhaps the exchange program could be about a year long. In the beginning, Jin-Woo video calls her every day, but that gradually shifts into 2-3 times a week as they get used to the separation.

Ryuji’s not happy about having someone in his space, but he’s playing along with this situation for political reasons. He understands that public opinion is its own type of power, especially when it’ll determine who’s willing to do business with you.

When he gets Jin-Woo home, he lays out some basic ground rules. Like, no eating outside of the kitchen/dining area. He owns his own apartment on the top floor of some tall building. He doesn’t want his carpets getting stained or food spilled on his couches. But he doesn’t have expensive vases and statues laying around, waiting to give Jin-Woo a heart attack with one wrong move. (He does have some fancy artwork, but you’re a lot less likely to knock that off the wall than an expensive vase off a shelf.)

Basically, Ryuji is reasonable in the house rules he sets. He doesn’t try to intimidate Jin-Woo, but he’s not particularly friendly either. In the beginning, he’ll probably ignore Jin-Woo for the most part. But he keeps getting reports of how Jin-Woo was injured in this raid and that raid (healed before he gets back to Ryuji’s apartment. He’s going on raids with Ryuji’s guild and Ryuji always insists on a healer with every raid, low ranked or not. The healer fees are less expensive than the insurance payouts.)

Eventually, Ryuji gets curious about the way Jin-Woo thinks. How he can keep going on dangerous raids to pay for the hospital bills of a mother who’s never going to wake up. That’s when they start having more regular conversations, trying to understand the other’s point of view.

They’re not quite friends by the time Jin-Woo encounters the Double Dungeon, but they’re close enough that Ryuji visits him in the hospital. Maybe Ryuji realizes that he would be at least briefly upset if the kid died, which is more than he can say for most people.

He notices pretty quickly when Jin-Woo starts changing. Not only is he suddenly doing exercise every day, but he’s gaining muscles and height. The muscles could be hidden by clothes, but he’s not going to miss that the kid he’s been living with for months is suddenly taller.

They start spending more time together as Ryuji tries to figure out what’s going on. Jin-Woo deflects some of the questions, but doesn’t outright tell Ryuji it’s none of his business. Maybe Jin-Woo likes that he’s got more of Ryuji’s attention now. (Though if Ryuji had completely ignored him when he was weaker, he’d be ignoring Ryuji now. He won’t get closer to someone who’s only interested in him now that he’s stronger.)

As Jin-Woo becomes stronger, he becomes more confident as well. He’s more bold in how he states his opinion, no more stuttering or nervous fidgeting. The change makes a remarkable difference. Add that to his changing body and Ryuji realizes he’s starting to become attracted to Jin-Woo. (The real question is whether Jin-Woo will notice on his own. I headcanon him as not having much experience with romance before the Double Dungeon incident. He was too busy going on raids and taking care of his sister.)

Perhaps he and Ryuji spar a few times before Jin-Woo has to go back to Korea? Ryuji obviously notices that Jin-Woo is stronger every time, wondering how this is possible and when Jin-Woo’s growth will stop. He’s both relieved and disappointed that he didn’t get to see Jin-Woo reach his own strength before he had to return home, almost looking forward to sparring with him as an equal.

I’m not sure about the timeline of everything. Perhaps Jin-Woo is in Japan for another two months after the Double Dungeon incident. He doesn’t go on raids during that time, focusing on getting stronger. He’s trying to avoid having his increased strength be noticed until he reaches S-rank.

Ryuji would probably help cover for him, saying that Jin-Woo is recovering from the trauma or something. He doesn’t have anything to gain by selling Jin-Woo out, especially not compared to having an S-rank Hunter as an ally.

So, Jin-Woo goes back to Korea, perhaps in time to save Yoo Jin-Ho’s life? The timeline’s probably going to be slightly off from canon to make everything work, but I’m not sure the Novel ever explained how fast things were happening anyway.

I think I’ll stop here. When I get around to writing this, then I’ll do more brainstorming. (Thank you for this suggestion, by the way. It probably wouldn’t have occurred to me to have E-rank Jin-Woo interacting with Ryuji at all without this idea. But this Hunter Exchange program means that Ryuji will have no choice but to pay attention to him, when he would have otherwise ignored such a low level Hunter.)

And a reminder to my followers, feel free to send in any of your fic ideas! I’d love to see them. ^_^

[thegayfromrulid]

Kawahara and Trauma: by me, who has PTSD

So, the SAO fandom (and related Accel World and very small Isolator fandoms) has a pretty mixed bag of fans, but I’ve noticed I’m not alone in reading and watching it for its take on PTSD. These three stories all have exciting, fun elements and stories that can be loved by a large number of people, so it isn’t like trauma is their only selling point. So, AJ- why the big deal about PTSD in Kawahara’s writing? (Spoilers for Sword Art Online, Accel World, and The Isolator peppered throughout the post. TW for various mentions of traumatic events.)

Firstly, why is this an important topic?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that stems from experiencing something terrifying. That terrifying thing can be what people tend to think of when they think of the term PTSD (i.e., being in a war zone) but it can also be something that many people don’t typically find terrifying (i.e., death of a family member from illness). 

Representation in media is important for many people, so accurately portraying or portraying certain aspects of people’s lives is important to those people. For me, seeing PTSD handled the way it is in Kawahara’s works is very special to me, who both has PTSD and has loved ones with PTSD.

So, what’s so special about Kawahara’s takes?

Kawahara handles it in a very varied way. Not all of his characters have equivalent trauma, nor do they all respond to trauma the same way. Their PTSD manifests in different ways and stems from different things. Let’s break this down by series.

Sword Art Online

Kirito, whose perspective is the most intimate in the series because the writing usually focuses on his first person perspective but others’ third person perspective, has the most detailed image of PTSD. He’s been shown to have nightmares in the Phantom Bullet arc, noticeably gets very angry and switches into a fight or flight mode when triggered, and has even panicked when he thought he killed someone. 

We’ve seen him shaking after running into Death Gun and connecting him to Laughing Coffin. When he fights Fanatio with Eugeo in the novel, Eugeo notices he turns uncharacteristically panicky as he realized he might have killed her. And in the Fairy Dance arc, when cornered on the bridge underground with Leafa, his switch flips because he refuses to die and doesn’t yet get that he can’t physically die in a game. 

But we also have Sinon- who reacts a bit differently to trauma. Recall that seeing guns make her physically sick in a way that Kirito never deals with. She throws up, has to hide the image of the gun before she feels worse. Her fingers freeze on the trigger of even a virtual gun when it gets pretty bad. That freezing up, nauseated reaction is in stark contrast to Kirito’s more lively outbursts. 

They aren’t the only characters dealing with trauma, though. Asuna is mentioned in the first arc to have nightmares that keep her awake, and she plows through her trauma ignoring it to the point of violent insanity. She pushes her issues down and very rarely do we, the audience, see them come out. She’s shown to have a flashback to her near-death in SAO in Ordinal Scale, and when she begins to lose her memories, we see her have another unsettling dream. But she deals with her frustration and trauma quietly, away from Kirito, which he respects and chooses to give her distance because she needs it.

Klein, even, who usually doesn’t get much attention, is shown to have a panic attack in Ordinal Scale when Eiji fights him. We don’t get much of a view on how Klein deals with it, but we do know that his panic triggered quite a bit of screaming from the one scene we did get. 

Lisbeth is revealed to deal with trauma shortly in Alicization, when she addresses fellow gamers in ALO. She mentions the nightmares (a key depiction of PTSD in SAO) and the therapy she and the other students have to go through. She’s a very “push it to the back of your mind and make a quip” sort of character, too. Like Asuna, she focuses on something else, but for her, she’s doing her best to get others to laugh with her.

There’s also more negative portrayals, such as Laughing Coffin/Death Gun members who succumb to violence and delusions. They refuse to cope with their trauma and turn to violent outlets. We also see Eugeo, whose trauma numbly drives him forwards, and can lead him to unpleasant actions, such as his move to kill Deusolbert and his intent to die fighting Administrator. His trauma gives him those intrusive thoughts of violence and suicidal behavior, including the feeling of being unloved. 

Accel World

The crux of Accel World is that avatars are basically born from mental scars (trauma). Avatars are trauma worn on the sleeves of the players, so while they aren’t obvious to other players, they are painfully obvious to the individual controlling them. I won’t cover every single character, since the whole point is that they’re all traumatized here, but I will make some key points.

First off, we’ll start with Haruyuki himself. This is the big point- unlike the traumas we see in SAO, Haruyuki’s trauma might seem a bit meek. His trauma stems from years of bullying. His self-confidence was eaten away at and he cowers and wants to flee the bullying, giving birth to Silver Crow. Portraying the results of bullying as trauma is SUCH a big deal, and it’s pretty obvious why.

A lot of people scoff at PTSD stemming from situations they don’t see as traumatic in the real world, and there are a few times I can think off where Haruyuki wonders if bullying really is a mental scar when compared to the traumas of other Brain Burst players. But Kawahara is showing us that PTSD isn’t just a condition for people in life or death situations. It can apply to someone who was bullied just the same. 

Haruyuki’s trauma births an avatar the same way Kuroyukihime’s did: her trauma comes from her family. She’s cut off from them and feels unloveable and forms an untouchable avatar from that feeling. 

Some of the kids in Accel World had traumas that stemmed from something physical- Utai has her aphasia. Fuko has her prosthetic legs. But others stem from personal relationships, such as feeling like friends are slipping away (Chiyuri), being orphaned (Niko), or having a lack of identity (Cobalt and Manganese from the Leonids). 

Kawahara treats all of these traumas as worthy of forming an avatar born from mental scars, which turns a story that seems filled to the brim with fanservice and fighting into something that is far more meaningful and validates traumas of all kinds. 

The Isolator

A bit of a hidden gem, for those that don’t know of it, Isolator is a sci-fi story about alien orbs that come down to Earth and implant themselves in human hosts. These orbs come in two kinds- black (Jet Eyes) and red (Ruby Eyes), and they give the hosts superhuman powers which, much like Accel World’s avatars, appear to stem from some sort of persona trauma. Jet Eyes appear to be the good guys, while Ruby Eyes are shown to have a killing intent paired with their powers and appear to be the bad guys.

The main character, Minoru, received these Jet Eye powers and was given an impenetrable shell around his body that he can activate from his breathing. The only thing that can pass through the shell is light, and the only thing it can surround is something Minoru acknowledges as part of himself. (Clothing, something he’s already holding). 

This power comes from his desire to isolate himself from other human beings after his family is murdered when he was little. He feels that forming relationships is risky because he’ll hurt if he loses someone like that again. His PTSD in this regard is very extreme and he handles it by forcing everyone out of his life, in some cases very coldly if he has to. 

On the opposite side, what makes Isolator a really engaging work is not the protagonists’ trauma- but rather the antagonists’ traumas. Each main villain of the volume until volume 5 focused very deeply on the namesake of the volume and their trauma that drives them as a Ruby Eye to kill. I’ll focus on two of my favorites because this is getting longer than anticipated.

Igniter. He was implated with the Ruby Eye as he attempted collective suicide with his family by driving his car off of a bridge into a river. He was already traumatized by his failures in life enough to think that he needed to end it, but what’s interesting is that the Ruby Eye based his powers off of the in-progress suicide attempt and not his feelings of failure and desire to die because of it. This highlights that sometimes we as people have multiple traumas that can manifest differently in ourselves or have different reactions from us. His brain registers his failed suicide as more traumatic to him than his feelings of losing everything and failing, thus the Ruby Eye feeds on his newfound fear of water.

Trancer, unlike prior Ruby Eyes in volumes 1 and 2, is a teenager. His trauma is is very particular in that he watched a friend die of something that didn’t kill him. They were locked in a freezer hiding from abusive parents, and his friend died while he survived. While the backstory is sad, it doesn’t seem all that interesting when compared to the other traumas I’ve highlighted, so let’s look at how Trancer responds to his trauma through his interactions with a Jet Eye, Olivier. 

Trancer and Olivier both are upset about the loss of a girl in their lives; for Trancer, his friend died in the freezer, and for Olivier, his sister was kidnapped by Ruby Eyes. While the reasons behind this have not yet been revealed as of volume 5, it’s clear that Trancer throws their possession of Olivier’s sister, Claire, in his face as a defense mechanism regarding his trauma. He lost his friend, therefore he took something important to Olivier to take it out on someone else: a classic example of bullying stemmed from trauma. 

What’s the main takeaway here?

Kawahara’s treatment of trauma and PTSD in his works is very diverse. He handles it in a way that I can appreciate as someone who has PTSD and has loved ones with PTSD. 

[bellamygateoldblog]

how do we feel about bellamy abandoning a suicidal octavia in a toxic forest in the name of monty, 'monty gave his life for us so we could have another change, and im not going to let you destroy it' who repeatedly made it clear in his final season that he wished he did more to save jasper

…we don’t feel great about it. Lol.

Got a little carried away. Apparently I had a stronger opinion on this on this than I thought I did.

There’s an LT;DR at the bottom if you don’t feel like reading the whole thing :)

The Blake relationship is a really complicated one. And I think how you see this event in particular depends on how you interpret this dynamic during the rest of the show, and how sympathetic you are towards Octavia as a character.

I want to start with this: the second chance was Monty’s to give, and only Monty’s. Bellamy doesn’t get to dictate who that message does and does not apply to, because Monty made it perfectly clear he holds no grudges, and wants the best for what’s left of the human race regardless of who they’ve been in the past or what they’ve done. That’s the whole point of ‘doing better’. He just wants everyone to do better than they did, whichever way that is. Monty didn’t specifically say ‘oh but not Octavia she can choke’ so therefore Bellamy had no right to be cowering behind Monty’s words.

He’s telling them to try a bit harder to be more understanding, compassionate, and rational. He wants them to choose to be farmers rather than warriors- to rebuild rather than destroy, to grow rather than deforest, to choose peace over war no matter what. It means a lot more than just ‘hey! maybe don’t go on another genocidal rampage?’

And by abandoning/banishing Octavia, Bellamy did the opposite of what Monty wanted. It almost felt, as i was watching, like he’d sentenced her to death. Like Clarke was banishing Murphy all over again. Or like he was Clarke abandoning him to die in the fighting pits. And I don’t know…repeating old mistakes doesn’t exactly scream ‘doing better’ to me.

Maybe this was Bellamy’s way of ridding the toxicity from the group?

But deciding she’s a lost cause and leaving her there, a clearly mentally unstable woman (and not only just some ‘woman’, but the baby sister he’s shared his life with), on an alien planet that none of them even know is safe at this point, or if it’s inhabited with hostile entities, from some moral high horse/manpainTM point of view is so low. It’s unearned at this point in the series.

Our attention was drawn to how hard it was for him. How upset he was after he did it. Rather than to Octavia and how she felt about it. It brought me back to that moment in season five, to how the camera focused in on Clarke’s pained teary-eyed expression while the child she was electrocuting was a blurry spot the background. Just what the fuck? Is all i have to say about that. He was very much Clarke in this moment; pulling a lever, leaving someone he loves on the outside *for the people* and feeling a bit ashamed but justified about it regardless.

She was trying to do the S1 Bellamy thing and stowaway to an alien planet to protect the one she loved. But the emotional fallout of season five was immense and both of them were way too amped up for any of it to go as planned. Which makes me wonder why the writers even attempted it in the first place?

But let’s just take a minute to think about how reckless and borderline insane this whole decision is from Bellamy- this is the girl who started out an illegal child, unwanted by the people she was born into, who assimilated with the indigenous people, earned their respect, found belonging with them until ultimately she became their leader. Like, if you really thought she was this much of a hazard, throwing her adaptive ass into the wilderness ready to meet another set of warrior people maybe isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had?

HOWEVER

I’m not actually opposed to a detail like this. Because of the unhealthy and sometimes poisonous nature of the Blake sibling relationship. And because they both absolutely needed time apart if Octavia were ever to grow out of Blodreina.

No matter what Monty never gave up on Jasper. But Jasper was usually self-destructive and didn’t act out emotionally using violence like how Octavia does so naturally. He could be a pain in Monty’s ass from time-to-time, but Jasper was never a threat to anyone but himself.

Bellamy cast Octavia out because she killed those guards unnecessarily. She hadn’t yet reflected on what became of her, nor had she processed any of the trauma from the bunker and following battle for Eden, in which some of the heaviest casualties were her most important relationships, with Indra, and with Bellamy. As convinient as it was to utilise violence as a tool for maintaining power, law, and order within the bunker…they aren’t in the bunker anymore, and she is no longer someone with a crushing responsibility.

Was any of that Bellamy’s fault? No.

Was it Bellamy’s job to ‘fix’ her? No.

(Do I think Monty would encourage him to mend their relationship anyway after losing his best friend and brother? Yes.)

But as her big brother and psudo-father, someone that spent his entire life protecting and taking care of her, the bare minimum i’d expect from him in a situation like this is for him to show some empathy, listen to the whole story from her point of view rather than basing his entire livelyhood on the biased accounts of a couple of Wonkru defectors, and make an attempt to understand why she is no longer the baby sister he remembers her being. If anyone was in the position to understand her- her behaviour, her mindset, the weight of leadership and how it shapes a person, and the pressure of making potentially morally corrupt decisions to ensure the people’s safety putting your humanity on the line for it- it’s him.

This was just cheap drama in place of where they could’ve written a meaningful conflict between them.

It was an oppurtunity to address Octavia’s past treatment of him, their co-dependence, their mother, Bellamy deeply believing his life was stolen from him and Octavia feeling she never had a chance to begin with, Bellamy’s inclination to make himself smaller so Octavia can take up as much space as she possibly can, both of their perverse insecurities that manifest in equally debilitating ways, Bellamy’s skewed sense of self pushing him to orbit around her, Octavia’s identity issues and lack of socialisation and resulting narrow black-or-white mindset, I could go on and on. There’s so so much content here to explore. There’s so much stress and pain in this relationship. It’s a shame that despite all that they decided to go omg cannibalism!!!!!!!!

Octavia took forever to forgive Bellamy for what happened to Lincoln, she demonised him, she attacked him over it in one of the most grotesque and unhinged displays of violence i’ve ever seen, and that wasn’t even his fault. I think we can afford Bellamy the same amount of room.

If this ‘banishment’ was the long-time-coming storm of past trauma of their intertwined existences that has long since been buried, if the time of physical peace spent on the ring building a family of his own pushed Bellamy to make a realisation or two about love and family, and the stressful draining qualities of his relationship with Octavia began to morph into resentment of her, and all this abandonment is, is just a beautifully crafted, carefully maintained facade collapsing between them, I WOULD LOVE IT. It’s understandable. But I need to see them have it out with each other first. If nothing is addressed, if they still go on carrying those things around and never find closure, not only is that hindering Octavia’s growth, but Bellamy’s, too.

But none of that happened in season six. Instead i got to see yet another female with her autonomy ripped from her and i got to see manpain.

Over time she supressed any parts of herself that would make her appear weak. It was always going to take time to pull herself out of that dark place and find a way to shape an identity that isn’t based in something that can easily be ripped away from her. So removing her from the group to find ‘the self’ is a good choice. But it had to be her choice.

I think if everything had blown up and Octavia had chosen to leave on her own volition because she recognises her own tragedy and calamity and wants to do what’s right, it would’ve been the perfect place to begin a redemption/reflection arc for her. With self-awareness. What do they say? The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one in the first place?

In an answer to another ask I said it would make some sense for Bellamy (and Clarke & Spacekru) to be unintentionally hypocritcal and judgemental considering the time distance between their last violent experience and how long they’ve had to make peace with the past. While Octavia was in the most stressful position she’s ever been in, and right in the thick of things for the six years that everyone else spent healing and maturing in.

So we have Bellamy as his most reassurred, most contented self- and he comes to Earth, he comes face-to-face with an unhinged Octavia, and is overwhelmed immediately with biased and incomplete information recapping the last six years during an erratic situation with enemies. I’d be confused and paranoid, too tf?

Bellamy loves Octavia more than life. But she’s morphed into a woman he no longer recognises and it could even come as a personal betrayal to him. He’s been disconnected from her for six years. He’s no longer intoxicated by his love and devotion to her. And he’s having a hard time accepting that the baby sister he thinks the world of is capable of such cruelty. So he’s having trouble forgiving her for it. I think it makes a lot of sense. Except, again, they never addressed anything like this.

Season five Bellamy I get. I’m sympathetic to him just as I am Octavia.

But in season six he appeared, not like he was acting on years of supressed emotional turmoil, but like he was on some moral high horse looking down on her from it.

The end of season five left things open, and there was a lot of potential there for things between them to improve, but season six took it and threw it out the nearest window. And we saw Octavia crawling on her hands and knees begging for forgiveness from a man that 1) doesn’t want her, 2) doesn’t respect her, 3) refused to listen to her, and 4) only accepted her once she was the woman he wanted her to be, who was now no longer traumatised.

TL;DR: I’m not opposed to the whole idea of them seperating in season six, with Octavia being the castaway, but it should’ve been Octavia’s choice, not Bellamy’s. And I think Monty might be disappointed that this was what (season six) Bellamy took away from his video on ‘doing better’. To ‘do better’ he decided to choose just one person that can represent all the evil that exists within both his people and himself and throw her out the dropship door. Problem solved! But there are many ways in which I think the writers could’ve done a lot more with this idea, and a lot better, too.

[prettylittlebrownskingyal]

Your commentary on titans 👌👌 give us the full review

My main problem with Titans is that there is (a.) no logical and solid justification for these characters and their actions and (b.) this may just be the film nerd in me— but there’s no emotional payoff.

 What irks me more is that the cast is incredible. They’re likeable and capable of handling emotion and they can clearly deal with more than they’re given.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure from writers to showrunners to directors and crew— a lot of work and time and energy has been put into the production of this show.  But these characters are so iconic and in my nitwit opinion, it’s almost painful to see their potential go to waste.

And I say potential because there are moments— mystical and magical, full of hope and wonder and rich comic goodness that make you want more. But they fall flat. 

“Families can be fucked up.”

Titans is supposed to be about family. They literally end the last episode with the song “We are Family.” So why would these people— who supposedly view each other as found family— abandon each other at every given opportunity?

They gang up on Jason in the tower when only moments before they were all fired up about saving the kid from Dr. Light. Gar gets left behind by himself with an unconscious, cleary dangerous super clone. Donna and Dawn fully agree to let Dick rot in prison.

These actions do not reflect people who care for each other. Who want to protect and keep each other safe. Why would this be the core emotional catalyst for any development whatsoever when no actual families are portrayed?

Also, here are two established families featured this season and there were no attempts to have them act as foils for each other even though that would have made clear sense. The Wilsons and the Waynes. Two kids that share stoic father figures that are linked to their trauma. Rose and Jericho have no relationship. No communication. No reason to trust each other. Also, why does Rose immediately give up her life for her father?

Dick and Jason’s relationship had some moments that could have been great to both of their character developments. Dick is his best when he’s being a big brother to Gar and Rachel. Why not let him be the same for Jason?

Here are some things I’d do differently.

1.) No Conner storyline

 Conner, Krypto and Eve’s episode (episode 6) was quite possibly the best of the season. It’s because a family dynamic is clearly established. (It’s a little weird, I’ll admit) But these characters rely on each other. They look out for each other. They care.  (“You didn’t abandon me”// “Can I call you mom?”// “Hot dogs? Get it?”– i ate that shit up)

That being said, it also feels like Conner was just created so they’d have someone to save Jason from his fall. 

The introduction of CADMUS as another antagonist when Slade is a major, overpowering one feels like too many things to juggle at once. If they’d held out, Conner and CADMUS would have been great as the main focal point for a whole season.

2.) More Jericho

Jericho was essentially the highlight of the season. I can’t tell if it was the way he was written or the way Chella portrayed him but that’s what Titans really needs. 

humanity. kindness. friendship and family ties. 

why couldn’t he have had more time with the Titans? why couldn’t he have a relationship with Rose? 

I’d have let him explore his abilities more. His relationship with his mom, with Slade, with each of the Titans. 

They needed to have actual bonding with him. Not just a shoddy backstory.

3.) Better treatment of Rose

Rose Wilson could have been so much more than just a plot point. More than an informant. All she did this season was eat cereal, say “i’m out” and then solve a major fight plot point in fifteen minutes. We needed more of her training, her relationships, her justifications to just pick and fall into a life of an assassin. 

She and Jason had some decent moments of believable cheesy teen behaviour between them but not enough to cover the gaping hole in Jason’s storyline.

4.) Jason needs more emotional moments!!

Not going to lie, I wasn’t sure Curran Walters could do big emotional scenes or make me care as much as he did. But he did. He’s got the bratty, troubled Jason down but he needs to be more fleshed out.

Like Rose, he feels like a caricature of a troubled teen. Where’s his interaction with Bruce? His backstory? His impulsivity and need to prove himself to Dick should be established but it’s not.

That scene where he learns that Rose has been using them all along? That was better than most of what we’ve seen him do.

5.) Donna as a big sister// Donna’s relationship with loss

You’re telling me “older smarter prettier”// “you can crash at my place” Donna Troy who took care of Dick would not look at these kids and want to help? After all Diana’s taught her? WACK

Also Donna and Garth’s relationship? It felt forced. He literally said “I love you” and then died. C’mon man, really? At least give them a pre-established relationship.

6.) Kory?? what happened y’all?

She felt so underutilized this season. Anna Diop is a star. She delivers her performance so well. The moment she heals Conner, her rushing to save Rachel— she has this essence of kindness that fits so well with her strength and the potency of her powers. 

She’s a gifted, royal powerhouse.

So why give her a runaround, stretched out storyline? Why make her kill someone she cared about? 

7.) Hank and Jason?//Dawn, Donna and Kory?// Dick & Gar

The dynamic between these characters whether seen or hinted at could have literally carried full episodes. Why consistently break them apart? Or make them fight or ignore each other? Why not let them play into each other, learn from each other? INTERACT??

8.) Bruce// Dick’s version of Bruce

I like Iain Glen as an older version of Bruce Wayne. I like that he’s a bit quirky, snarky, an asshole and he  says things like “no shit.” But he doesn’t serve much of a purpose and he feels like an instant solution in certain situations. Plus he has no interaction with Jason.

That being said, the use of him as Dick’s voice of reason/subconscious does hone in on the question that Dick keeps trying to run away from— “What would Batman do?” That works for his character. It works for his growth. Their dynamic is wonderful but ultimately, not necessary. 

9.) Donna dying?

That WHOLE scene was so out of place. Why would that have happened after the climax of the story? As an extra source of angst?

Again, the Titans are separated by death. Again, a sense of a family is built up and torn down. No one should have to die for a real sense of familial bond to be established.

10.) Deathstroke’s character//takedown

He’s supposed to be the main antagonist and they all have beef with him. Rightfully, everyone should have gotten a chance in that battle. It happened way too quickly and was very anticlimactic for the old Titans.

Also, Slade killing one of their friends with one, single bullet to the chest literally does nothing for me. Especially since Aqualad is supposed to be a Titan. There’s no real conflict, no tangible establishment of hate. Where’s the torture? the real hurt?

11.) Gar, Dick and Hank and their repeated storylines

they all went through the same arcs again. Dick with his Batman struggle. Hank and his own darkness. Gar and his struggle with control and being controlled and experimented on.

This season should have been about Dick coming into his own as Nightwing. About Gar finally having some normalcy and a place that he feels safe in. He should have gotten some redemption as a hero. Hank (and i hate to say, i hope i don’t sound ridiculous but) should have gotten some resolution with Dawn. Either they’re in or out because the back and forth they do with each other is incredibly toxic and they’ve been established as smart enough to see that.

It wasn’t all bad though and I’ll probably end up doing a re-watch sometime. Since I’ve pretty much spouted asshole nonsense, here are some of the best moments:

The end of the first episode where they’re all standing around their cars and laughing? GOLD. More of that cheesy, established friendship.

Jericho hugging Dick, Dick being unsure how to deal with warmth and forgiveness. Everybody say thank you to Chella for improvising that.

Kory and Donna being detectives and arguing over jelly doughnuts? Yes, please! I love them together. How they clearly knew each other, how they worked well together to take out Shimmer. 

Kory speaking Kryptonian. Anything that furthers her development brings me joy.

Conner saving Jason. That was pretty comic book like— I liked it. 

All the scenes Krypto’s in.

Hank telling Dawn that he knows what Jason’s probably feeling. That was emotional and heartfelt. Also, Hank going “Atta boy” when they were on the phone with Slade. I’m really upset they couldn’t have a brotherly relationship because their characters are quite similar.

Gar, Jason and Rachel interacting like friends/teammates/siblings. Their dynamic works. I’d love to have seen the three of them take on a challenge together.

[firebirdsdaughter]

I'm honestly not too shocked that Aruto is going to work together Gai now. He always rubbed me the wrong way when it came to his views about Humagears, esp his reaction to Raiden & Subaru. That was a huge red flag for me. Also, if he's really so concerned about the well-being of Humagears, then he should offer counseling for the destroyed & revived Humagears to deal with the trauma. But I guess that would be too much to ask. As long as they serve humans who cares about Humagears' feelings.

I def agree w/ you, he’s rubbed me the wrong way in many of the same ways.

It’s hard to believe he sees HumaGear as people when he’s all pleased w/ Raiden talking about how he’ll be decommissioned soon and even calling the two of them ‘just like real brothers.’

You know, like he keeps saying Horobi is ‘trying to be like Jin’s father.’

And don’t even get me started on ‘a caring brother can’t be a spy,’ ‘if only you had been different,’ ‘why did you hurt Izu?’ ‘I’ve never treated them differently’…

AUGH.

To me, Aruto’s ‘dream’ can be summed up in a line from a song that was cut from Frozen (ya’ll thought I’d forgotten about this, didn’t you, but no) that goes ‘It’ll be just like it was, except for we’ll be best friends.’

This got long, so I’m cutting it here. Or. I’m trying to. 

He doesn’t see HumaGear as equal to people, he just wants them to stay right where they are, and ‘be happy’ there. ‘Good’ HumaGear are the ones whose development is convenient for humans. Raiden was ‘good’ when he saw no problem dying bc his ‘purpose was served,’ Naki was ‘good’ when they just wanted to support other HumaGear’s dreams as long as they were steered towards HumaGear w/ dreams of benefiting humanity, Jin is ‘good’ now bc he’s not trying to get HumaGear away from serving humans anymore and is also willing to kill his own father or due himself to do something that will benefit humans. The morality of the show has always been very much centred around humans, how HumaGear benefit humans, and HumaGear are expected to be these perfect little angels who exist to help humans and never think of themselves. Horobi is ‘bad’ bc he has resentment towards humans and has been so deeply under the Ark’s control for so long that he can’t think outside of her (esp not after being possessed) so obviously he doesn’t ‘want’ to be ‘change.’

I said it in the tags of my other post, but there’s something wrong w/ the picture when you’re holding a literally mind controlled AI who hasn’t had any concept of free will or self thought in his entire life aside from small snatches that were quickly stomped out, more accountable than a human w/ full autonomy and knowledge and power who deliberately did things that caused death and harm (and shot someone in the head). It’s not a good message. I’m supposed to feel bad for Gai bc he’s ‘sad,’ but Horobi deserves to die? I’m sorry, what?

The message has very much been ‘humans are special special and HumaGear are expendable/need to be carefully moulded into a ‘singularity’ that’s at the least convenient for humans.’ ‘Good’ HumaGear aspire only to properly serve their humans, to be like them, they are pure and angelic creatures who never feel anything ‘negative,’ and if they do, they need to be purged.

I could rant myself in circles about this for ages. I think for me, the really glaring example is Aruto’s treatment of Jin, a relationship that could have been an interesting learning experience for both of them (though, honestly, I was also hoping to see Fuwa also help Aruto realise the issues w/ his attitude, bc as he started coming down from his prejudice and aggression, Fuwa actually treated HumaGear more like equals than Aruto did, one of the many things I loved about him and Horobi as a pair), but instead ends up being a glaring example of Aruto’s… Whatever.

So Horobi has his first moment of clarity and genuinely fears for Jin, so the Ark steps in and ‘tells’ him to protect his son, so he does and it hurt, and Jin is hysterical. Izu proceeds to walk right up to the still-transformed, clearly emotionally volatile and very uninjured Jin, and announce w/ a smile that Horobi has been defeated. Jin, hysterical and lost, reacts in the only way he knows how, violently, which she should have bloody seen coming, wth. But then, Aruto is demanding to know ‘why did you hurt Izu’ like she did nothing wrong and Jin just attacked her randomly (which was a thing that could have happened and would have made his emotions make mire sense, Jin lashing out at Izu as ‘revenge’ for Horobi), and then Jin gets treated like the total bad guy. Then, on top of that, Aruto finds out during the fight that Jin doesn’t actually know what’s going on, he’s just been raised into this. Instead of immediately trying to change tactics and reason w/ him, Aruto just spews his ‘I want HumaGear and humans to smile together’ line (what does that even mean?), and when Jin rejects that, Aruto just… Gives up and says ‘if only you had been different.’ doesn’t try to prompt Jin to think about what Jin wants, what Jin is feeling, doesn’t bother to try to find out why Jin is so hysterical. It gets even worse when he quickly gains the firepower advantage and learns that Izu will be totally fine, but he still doesn’t bother trying anything else. He just kills Jin, bc… What? Jin didn’t immediately bow to his ‘love’ for HumaGear? Of course once sentence wasn’t gonna do it, he just watched humans kill his father! Aruto didn’t need to kill Jin at all, it would have been easy to disable him—alternatively, if they really wanted Jin to go down there, there were ways to do it that didn’t make it come off as Aruto quickly erasing a HumaGear for having any negative feelings or resentment towards humans, esp when you follow it w/ a scene of him and Izu being all pleased about other HumaGear ‘behaving’ themselves, and then never mention Jin again.

Fast forward, and when Jin comes back talking about wanting to free HumaGear from humans… Aruto actually asks him what he wants, finally? Then Aruto gets the boot from Hiden and decides to go to Jin for help. This should be a turning point where Jin get to properly confront Aruto about what happened and Aruto reflects on what he did, but no. Jin gets to shout a little, but then Aruto claims he never treated humans and HumaGear differently and says ‘I watched my HumaGear dad die’ and Jin just… Says nothing? doesn’t shoot back w/, ‘so did I, humans killed him.’ Then they get interrupted and Jin runs off… Only to… Rescue Izu later? But then after he does he… Grabs her hand and runs away and tries to convince her to be free? After… Literally buying his father time to reconnect to the Ark? And this is Izu? Who he stabbed? Okay… Anyway, then we have more stuff w/ poor connotations of Jin saying he ‘learned something’ from Aruto killing him and Izu ‘choosing’ to keep being Aruto’s secretary like a ‘good’ little HumaGear (her liking him and wanting to stay on his side would be one thing, but this… Esp w/ him claiming that he thought she should choose, going by his later insistence that Jin can’t take G-Pen bc he’s a human’s ‘partner’), and only then does he take a bullet for her. This apparently means something to Jin, although I feel like the implications of ‘she’s worth protecting bc she decided to keep serving humans and I killed you bc you didn’t want to do that’ should not have been lost on him (also wtf did Jin start caring about Izu?). The we have the next ep w/ aforementioned G-Pen incident which for some reason Aruto defending another HumaGear choosing to serve humans makes Jin decide to ‘believe in his dream’ or whatever. But then later the Raiden scene makes it seem like Jin was playing along bc that conversation w/ Horobi about HumaGear needing guidance to break free gave him an idea or something, I dunno, but naturally Aruto reacts like this is some huge betrayal, despite the fact that they hardly have any relationship—okay, so this friendship is something Aruto made up in his head, given his character, and apparent assumptions that all HumaGear actually adore humans, that makes sense. That could work. But then episode thirty fucking six happens. Jin apparently cares more for Yaiba, a human he’s barely interacted w/ who had yet to show any sign of no longer considering HumaGear to be tools, who had previously represented all the things Jin hated about them, then his own father. Acts all protective of her, throws himself in as a shield for her, moons about while she’s in the hospital. Then we learn he decided he trusted her (?????) enough to conspire w/ her to… Use his own father as a sacrifice to kill the Ark. Aruto seems to be more worried about Horobi, but merely yells a bit about how Horobi should ‘remember who he is by now.’ Come ep 37, Jin fucking takes a hit for miss perfect HumaGear Izu (note: aside from her grabbing the idiot ball in ep 15, my annoyance w/ Izu isn’t really something she as a character has done, it’s the way they’ve written her as the ‘pinnacle of ‘good’ HumaGear for her devotion to her human’), and tells Aruto to leave. Now that Jin is behaving in a way that benefits/is convenient for humans, though, Aruto is a like ‘oh, we totally were best buds, I was right!’ and is so worried and distressed about him, forgetting Horobi (who is so ‘bad’ for not being able to break through more than a decade of mind control! forget him, Jin must be saved!). Then we have that incredibly forced scene in 38 where Aruto tries to ‘get through to Jin’ and Jin ‘breaks through the Ark’s control bc of Aruto’ (see my draft horse pack on a shetland pony analogy) and ‘tells Aruto to kill him!’ which continues in to this ep. In which we also have… Gai. Who Aruto quickly puts effort into ‘reasoning w/’ and ‘showing the light’ bc ‘oh no he had a bad childhood’… Okay, but… You killed Jin for that, and he literally didn’t understand what he was doing. Gai had full autonomy and knowledge of his actions. People were hurt bc of both of their actions, but it’s Gai who gets a big speech and Jin who gets blown up. I said it back when it happened. If Jin had been human? I bet they would have made Aruto approach that much differently.

The fact that Aruto is willing to do all that for Gai but killed Jin, and only now considers Jin worth any effort bc Jin is behaving in a way that benefits/is convenient for humans even at the expense of HumaGear (being willing to sacrifice Horobi, even himself, to stop the Ark, while that goal is technically ultimately noble, the context gives a bad connotation), and not trying to talk HumaGear out of being subservient to humans and telling them to think for themselves, or wanting to revive a HumaGear that Aruto was content to leave deactivated bc he didn’t have a ‘use’… But Horobi only gets a few shouts and then ditched bc he ‘won’t listen’… Leaves a really bad impression.

[lostgirlrewatch]

1x06 - Food For Thought

Written by: Pamela Pinch

Directed by: John Fawcett

Original Air Date: October 24, 2010

Food for thought, indeed. I love this episode a lot. I think this is also the only episode written by Pamela Pinch in the entire series. Sad. Anyway, let’s begin.

Bo and Kenzi follow Lauren to make a house call for a Fae with food poisoning. Kenzi contracts the same illness--a fatal supernatural disease that will kill her within a day. The others do whatever they can to save her.

Side note.

I swear, I could make an entire blog just out of complaining about Lauren. But I will suppress my instincts. And I will not.

Kenzi hates Lauren for seemingly no reason (or at least, we can only guess at what the reason might be), and Bo tries to tell her that Lauren is more interesting than she seems. Is she?

“Just TRY not to break anything.” At what point have Lauren and Kenzi ever interacted enough such that Kenzi has revealed to her a propensity for breaking stuff and that Lauren is valid in being annoyed about? At WHAT POINT? Lauren is literally just saying this out of NOWHERE to be rude.

This is one of my favorite episodes in the first season. Not much moves in terms of the overarching plot, but character-wise, a couple things are happening. One, Kenzi’s family dynamic with other characters like Dyson and Trick becomes more solidified. Two, Bo and Lauren team up and deepen their bond. If you’ve read literally any of my previous posts it should not be hard to guess which of those things I care more about. (It’s the former.)

The premise of the episode is simple, which I like, if kinda gross. Kenzi gets sick, and the others must find a way to save her. Bo is the hero type, the kind of person who desperately needs to take action to solve her problems rather than be passive. As the protagonist, her actions need to move the story forward (or at least, the overarching story, though she needn’t be the protagonist of every individual episode). As the main character, the show often dictates that she be at the center of the action. As such, she immediately hits the pavement on a quest for the cure to Kenzi’s illness. 

Joining her in this quest is Lauren, whose science-y knowledge proves crucial to breaking into a facility and obtaining an antidote. Lauren is instrumental in helping Bo save her closest friend, and appears to do so selflessly, with no ulterior motives. As a result, Bo is deeply touched. They tag team, they go on a mission together, and they bond. Bo trusts her a bit more now. On top of that, Bo is finally able to stop from killing a human in the middle of one of her feeds, thanks in no small part to Lauren’s treatments. Since Lauren has been on that journey of recovery with her, they also bond a little more over that. All of this is a build up to show us that Bo and Lauren have established a bond of trust by this point, and to show us that Bo now has several compelling reasons to care about and be grateful to Lauren. This is build-up that will have a payoff several episodes down the line, and we’ll see about that when we get there.

But because Bo is the hero, the Fixer, the action-taker, the one stricken with main character syndrome…while she’s out desperately trying to find a way to save Kenzi, sick Kenzi is left without her and someone else needs to take care of her while she’s…you know…scared, suffering, and dying.

Dyson primarily fulfills this role. In previous episodes, we have seen Dyson and Kenzi slowly build a friendship. When we begin the show, Kenzi is totally alone. She has virtually no relationship with her biological family and no friends of note. In the first episode, she chooses Bo as her family, accepts her into her circle of caring. Next, expanding outwards from this, naturally, comes Dyson, Bo’s love interest. Kenzi accepts him because Bo accepts him. Then, in her mind, Dyson betrays her trust by hurting Bo, but Dyson proves to Kenzi that he is a friend to both her AND Bo, so they make up and are cool after all. That’s where we leave them off when we start episode 1x06.

Do I think it was wrong of Bo to abandon Kenzi’s bedside to go off and find the antidote? No, not at all. Obviously, the antidote was necessary to save Kenzi’s life, which ultimately takes precedence over her immediate emotional needs. And saving Kenzi’s life is what Bo cares the most about. But I do find it incredibly interesting that this happened, because it sort of establishes a pattern in their relationship. A deliciously not super fun one. When the chips are down, Bo will always go to the ends of the earth to make sure Kenzi is physically okay. But in Kenzi’s most vulnerable, desperate emotional moments, is Bo always there to comfort her? Is she even often there to comfort her? I’m excited to keep watching and find out.

The good thing is that Dyson and Kenzi get a fantastic opportunity to deepen their bond instead. We even get this little moment with Trick, where we use an earlier scene to establish that Trick has this ancient artifact that is more valuable to him than almost anything in his possession, only to later show us that he is instantly willing to give it up just for the chance to prolong Kenzi’s life by a few hours.

I think the gravity of this is easily overlooked, given how forgettable those Trick scenes are by themselves. But let’s remember that Trick is like this gajillion year old Fae grandpa in a universe where humans are viewed on the same level as like…pet fish…and he was willing to give up one of his most valuable possessions to barely prolong the life of a human girl he hasn’t even known for that long. Trick, also, proves in this episode that Kenzi means something to him, and it’s pretty cute because we see that Kenzi cares about him too. 

You often get the sense that while Kenzi cares deeply about the people around her, she isn’t sure if they return her feelings. There’s a vague mistrust. She’s a bit baffled by Trick’s caring about her as much as she is touched by it.

Kenzi is traumatized. Well, obviously. Specifically, she has trauma relating to hospitals, illness, and death. We don’t know why, at least not at this point. The show doesn’t bother giving us any flashbacks or tidbits of backstory as a way of explaining why Kenzi is freaked out by hospitals or why graveyards make her feel calm. I find this rather unique and refreshing. We don’t really need to know the details, at least not right now. What’s much more important is that we see the trauma that series Kenzi lives with in the present, and moreover, how she deals with it.

Her discomfort being in a hospital gradually turns to fear as she becomes trapped there herself, and we see her latch on to Dyson as the only beacon of safety and familiarity there. When she wakes up, she not only finds herself alone (the one thing that terrifies her the most), she witnesses a woman die before her eyes. 

This is clearly very triggering for her and culminates in a panic attack. Kenzi reverts to survival mode at this point. 

I find it poignant that she is aware that leaving the hospital may shorten the time she has left, but that she would literally rather die alone on the street than stay another second in there. Alone. Kenzi. Would rather die. Alone. She even says so. “I’d rather die in a ditch.” She’s that desperate to get out of there. What exactly did happen to her in a hospital way back when?

The graveyard scene is phenomenal. How does Dyson know to find her there, anyway? Did I miss that part, or just forget? It’s been some time between rewatching this episode and writing this, so maybe. 

Kenzi doesn’t say much about herself, as usual, just that she used to come here a lot when she was a kid because “sometimes you just need a place to think, you know?” Graveyards are usually quiet and, depending on how you feel about them, peaceful. Maybe Kenzi grew up in a large, hectic household. An abusive, loud, stressful household. Maybe she has dead family members and friends that meant more to her than the ones she was living with. Who knows? I like that Dyson just sits and listens to her. He doesn’t try to pry, he doesn’t try to tell her what to do or strongarm her back to the hospital. Instead, he offers her a safe alternative and leaves the decision up to her. Kenzi agrees and asks if they can stay there a while first, because it’s nice. “Unless,” she says, “you have somewhere to be?”

There’s no resentment or maliciousness in that question. It’s genuine. She’s kinda used to people having somewhere else to be and something better to be doing.

Of course, he doesn’t. He doesn’t have anywhere else to be but there with her, supporting her. It’s a great character and relationship moment for them both.

I don’t have much else to say about this episode, though that was quite a lot.

Back to the beginning, as far as why Lauren and Kenzi don’t like each other, I have a few ideas. Mainly, I think they don’t like each other because the other doesn’t like them. Though, of course, that brings up a chicken and egg scenario, and I’m sure they’d both assert that the other disliked them first. 

But beyond that, I think there’s something about Lauren’s air, her attitude, and her STEM academic background that doesn’t sit right with Kenzi. That and, of course, her general mistrust of doctors, which this episode establishes. Kenzi sniffs out Lauren’s elitism right away and it offends her to the core, since she grew up on the street and has no education except for the one she got there. In Kenzi’s defense, she has valid evidence for feeling this way about Lauren. If I remember correctly, “Just try not to break anything,” isn’t the first passive aggressive insult Lauren has lobbed at Kenzi’s intelligence, much less Bo’s, and it won’t be the last. Lauren’s dislike of Kenzi might be similarly rooted, if on the opposite end of the spectrum. Lauren is a careful, methodical person. Perhaps Kenzi’s seemingly off-the-hook, carefree attitude rubs her the wrong way for whatever reason. Or, gasp…maybe Lauren is bitter that Kenzi, a fellow human, enjoys such a relatively free existence and more equitable relationship with her Fae friends, while Lauren is, you know, no heavy spoilers, but, forced to bow to the whims of her Fae masters.

Love this episode. Next time, we have “ArachoFaebia,” another Andras episode, which I love slightly less, and probably won’t have much to say about.

[bisexualbeetlejuice]

Hey!! I read your fic (it’s great so far btw) but what headcannons do you have for Beetlejuice’s “childhood”? Or just about Juno I’m not picky

hey! thank you so much! 

every bj fic writer seems to have their own idea of what it means to be a born-dead; personally, I think he was a child at some point, and that once he was fully-grown, that’s how he remains unless he becomes human. 

my hc’s are under the cut! this ended up more as a bio of his life instead of a list of hc’s lmao

his dad never even knew juno could have a child. he left their relationship after one too many instances of juno’s treatment, the whiplash of emotional switching between kind and cruel, and never looked back. within my ‘verse, the netherworld is a mirror of our world, so in this case, he moves far, far away from her, intet on never seeing or hearing about her again. 

she finds out she’s with child weeks after he leaves. she doesn’t tell him.

as for bj’s childhood, it’s the definition of a trauma conga line. juno never directly hurt him, in terms of physicality, but it was a mix of emotional neglect and abuse. she never wanted a child, especially with the one man who’d managed to completely leave her, and once bj was born, that didn’t change anything. she viewed him as something all she had to do was keep alive, i.e feeding him and clothing him, but leaving everything else up in the air. 

I’m a fan of the “it takes a village” trope, and I think that there were at least a few entities who saw her treatment, or lack thereof, of bj and tried to step in. nothing major, as juno’s the head of all of them, but trying to be extra nice to bj and say a few kind words here and there. they might pop up in a future fic!

anywho, he grows as a kid, and is exceedingly bad at talking with the few kids the netherworld has. they’re weirded out by him, both as a born-dead and by his extreme personality. he comes on too strong with everyone in an attempt to show that he can be their friend, and it’s off-putting. everyone is generally creeped out by him. he’s a product of his upbringing; he’s rash, loud, and intensely emotional. no one really knows what to do with him. since he was born dead, he can’t relate to anyone else. born-deads, in my ‘verse, are rare to the point of nonexistence. bj was a fascinating case that no one thought could ever happen. 

there is an education system in the netherworld, which is where teachers go to if they die on the job. because of this, there aren’t many elementary school teachers, and bj isn’t really the brightest bulb in the box, academically speaking. later in life, he tries to fix this via living world education, but it’s hard, y’know? but he does learn how to read/write/do math, even if he’s slow at it. 

juno’s frustrated with him, seemingly all the time. he isn’t smart enough, isn’t good enough, for her, and she tries to be around him for the least amount of time she can be. 

[she has nights where she remembers her own mother, and how she treated her the way juno treats bj. she doesn’t like to think about that, which is where the alcohol abuse comes in.]

as he grew older, juno would inevitably realize the power he has, and she decided to try to play the mom game with him, if only to get him on her side. bj, the definition of heart on his sleeve, immediately took to her and did anything he could to get her to laugh/smile. he’s an extreme people-pleaser, which was only amplified by the knowledge that, if he tried hard enough, maybe his mom would smile at him.

juno uses this for a long time, possibly centuries. she keeps him under a tight leash, and fucks him up pretty bad emotionally. when he does something that she wants, she’ll smile at him, maybe compliment him, but the second he goes against what she wants, it’s the silent treatment. she’ll cut him off, refuse to talk to him until she needs him again, and at that point he’s so desperate for affection he’d do anything to get her to be nice with him again.

they’re something of a “dream team” duo to everyone else in the netherworld. juno’s drive/goals are nearly impossible to fail when bj’s abilities are in the mix, and for centuries, they’re unstoppable. they’re on top of the world, so to speak, even while all of this shit is going on between them.

like many others who grew up in situations like this, he never really realized that this wasn’t how people, living, dead, or other, are supposed to grow up until he sees otherwise. sometime around the mid-1800s, he ends up in the living world on a mission for his mom and sees a family. he lurks around for a few weeks, watching as the kids interact with their family, and he’s just confused at what he’s seeing.

going back to the netherworld, he asks around and, yeah, that’s what most people’s families were like. he,,, doesn’t know what to do with this information. tl;dr he goes to juno, and when he tries to talk to her she starts shutting him out again, and in a fit of rage, he quits. he tells her that he isn’t working with her anymore, and if it isn’t a professional matter, he doesn’t want to speak with her again. he goes solo as a bio-exorcist, and for a bit, he’s doing well.

one bad day, after an even worse week, he’s called to juno’s office. she’s nice to him, knowing that she needs to be kind if she wants him back, and he crumbles. it ends up as a vicious cycle where they’ll be back together, then he’ll quit, and once something bad happens, he crawls back to her because she’s all that he has.

after a particularly bad experience with juno, she “banishes” him to the living world, something she did whenever she couldn’t deal with him. during this solo period, he finds the maitlands. he hears them talk about how they’d raise their child, how they’ll do their best, and he falls for it all. once they die, the rest is history, so to speak.

when lydia comes along, he realizes that he doesn’t have to be alone. he has a friend now, and hey, she likes him! they’re best friends; she laughs at his jokes and treats him nicely and gives him nicknames and -

yeah. when she gets serious about finding her mom, his emotions take the best of him. he’s angry and thinks that she’s just like juno, like everyone else who saw his abilities and used them, only acting nice to get him to do what they wanted, and goes off the edge. 

the marriage is his finale ultimato, his worst-case scenario, but he needs to use it. he needs to get away from the netherworld once and for all, needs to get away from everyone and just be himself. he’s tells himself he’s perfectly fine with being alone once he’s alive, but the maitlands and deetz’s playing with his emotions ends up convincing him to stay. of course, he’s killed right after.

juno taunting him about it all is the last straw for him, hence the sandworm. 

I’d love to write this out as a story in the future, but my current goals for this ‘verse are a sequel to take me where my soul can run and, possibly, a story of bj finally meeting his dad.

[umbillicalnoose]

i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

[gofancyninjaworld]

Thoughts on One-Punch Man Season 2: But what about the story?

Second part: So much for the structure, what was the effect?

Just before the second season started, I posted about what I hoped I’d see, assuming it ended where it did. Let’s see how they did. 

Yup, I keep cutting the words, but the bastards keep multiplying

The Story Itself

What I’d hoped for:

There’s a lot less of the monster of the week situation, this series. I love the care with which the Monster Association goes about attacking. What looked like random stuff (egregiously stretched out by the tournament), will come together to be a coherent and potent threat that will leave us viewers desperate to find out how the Hero Association replies.

[…]

And at the end of this season, even though we’ve had a very interesting time of it, none of it will be over.  The stakes will have been delineated, the battle lines drawn and I really hope that J.C. Staff does enough to make it clear why we should care enough to come back for season 3 whenever it airs.

What we got:

No question about it, there’s a Monster Association and it’s pretty serious. We got their ultimatum to the Hero Association and there’s no question that they’re taking it seriously. The problem comes with the overall lack of energy and urgency in the treatment of the plot.  We’re missing bodies, broken buildings, landed punches, follow through, all the things that sell that sense of urgency, of a situation that’s threatening to spin out of all control.  Which is a pity, because then we don’t get the sense of relief once the monsters disappear, only to be replaced with foreboding as the Monster Association makes its demands.  

They really can’t use time as an excuse for that.  It was really bad scripting with a tendency to soft-soap all impacts by panning away at critical moments.  It’s a real shame when episode 7 (19) is named ‘Class S Heroes’ – the heavy cavalry whom should turn the tides of battle – and we see very little of how they work.  The rare times they have followed through with blows, the entire mood of the episode changes for the better. 

It’s interesting that when chapter 84 was released, it felt like an excellent season finale.  And it could have been, but for the lack of a build up in tension and urgency that should have been sustained all season long.  So many missed opportunities – like little scenes of Atomic Samurai going in person to Bang’s dojo only to find it locked, more scenes of Bang hunting increasingly desperately for Garou,  a running tally of heroes struck down by Garou adding pressure to his search… all sorts of things the manga has left wide open to be added to that would have created continuity and tension against the backdrop of a crisis that really, really needs the help of *every* hero.

Special note: Can I just say that Phoenixman is awesome in his garishness?  He looks like a children’s show mascot put together by people on the last day of a ten-day bender.  Guaranteed to give children nightmares. I love him.

Don’t believe the monster, kids

The Characters

Charanko:  I wasn’t expecting anything of him, so honourable mention to him. I absolutely love the small but important addition J.C. Staff made to his story, whereby he came across Garou, heard and saw all the heroes the latter was beating up, and, despite his fear and knowledge of his weakness, went forward anyway.  Fantastic! 

Death Gatling:  I’d been afraid that they’d undersell him.  He wasn’t and I was very, very happy to see that.  He’s ever inch as serious, tactically astute, and legitimately charismatic as he needs to be. They could have made Flashy Flash slightly more obnoxious to bring across the extent to which he felt slighted but that’s minor.   

Looking at how fans took him, I’ve been a bit disappointed in the number of fans who don’t get that he’s far from wrong both in seeking recognition (although he did pick the wrong target to make an example of), and for not believing Garou, but that’s not a critique of the way he’s been presented.   The thorny issue of recognition is something I’ve been mooting a meta on, but another day!

Garou:  What I’d hoped for 

I want to see the story of how Garou grows from a malcontent and apparent crazy to this juggernaut whose appointment with destiny cannot be stopped. 

What we got:   

I’d say this was fulfilled!  His luck and unstoppable destiny come across well.  I really like his relationship with Tareo and with Bang being expanded on. 

Fans definitely have taken Garou to heart with very few people neutral on him.  I appreciate the fans who correctly point out that he’s incoherent and hurting heroes who have done nothing to him on account of the childhood trauma he’s projecting onto them.   Like him or not, he’s definitely been given the space he needed and it’s going to be very interesting to see how people change their views of him as the anime continues. 

King:  What I’d hoped for

I want to see King be exposed as a fraud and a coward who runs from danger and leaves people to die, then redeem himself as a decent human being and become the fraud and coward who stands before danger so people might live.   That’s huge – he’s been running like a rabbit for years.

What we got:

Fulfilled.  I love how his relationship with Saitama unfolded, pretty much note perfect.  The scene of his wiling himself to courage is great; it and the flashback JC Staff added linked back to to where he started out quite nicely. 

Who doesn’t love King?  I suspect he arm-wrestled Mumen Rider for fan favourite, particularly as he’s so very ordinary a man in a world of demi-gods. 

Saitama:  What I’d hoped for

We see Saitama finally make a friend, get resolution as to why the world ignores him, and get to celebrate his progress, even as we learn how deep his sense of alienation goes. I love how it’s going to start with Saitama walking away from his disciple and end with Saitama running for his disciple and how nothing else mattered until he saw him safe and well.

What we got:

Mostly fulfilled.  His stasis and ongoing dissatisfaction with life come across excellently.  His feeling ever more irrelevant and removed from the flow of life is literally and metaphorically on show, even as we get to witness the life-changing impact of his punches on others. 

Folk missed Saitama sorely, which is as it should be.  JCStaff, bless their lily-livers, really did miss a trick in not having Elder Centipede continue disintegrating for several seconds – after having been parched for Saitama, that ludicrous scene really helped.

Genos (why always you, my friend?): What I’d hoped for

Last series, we saw Genos try and lose, try and lose, try and lose, try and lose yet again. This season, from the very first episode to the very last, we watch that process of change from a failing hero to a truly fearsome one fit to rub shoulders with the best of heroes.  I want to see how it thrills us, entertains us, breaks our hearts and maybe we dare to hope for even crazier heights in the future.

What we got:

Hm.  Let me paraphrase Dr Bofoi here: ‘It takes a special sort of stupidity to mess up this badly’.   This is worth unpacking a bit as when things go wrong, we often get a better opportunity to see what makes them work.  And I’m always interested in what makes communicating ideas effective. 

For once, let’s start with fan reactions.  The actions Genos takes on the screen are pretty much the same as in the manga (a little abridged in places, but more or less the same).   After manga chapter 84, you got reactions like this: ‘ Genos from now on to me will no longer be a joke. He’s earned my respect.’ ‘…if he still had a human body, he’d have broken his limiter by now…’, ‘he really stepped up’, etc.  After episode 12:  it’s ‘oh, everyone can beat Genos’  'he’s like a princess in distress’  'he’s lucky that Garou wasn’t at full health’… ‘…that man has felt useless since when he first met Saitama during the mosquito fight…’  

Manga readers are less scathing than anime only viewers, but they have the benefit of the manga and aren’t reacting to what’s actually presented on screen.  Where the anime has made the case for Genos being awesome, as it did in episode 11 (23), fan reactions followed appropriately.  

Interesting.  How the hell did JC Staff create the diametric opposite reaction of the one Murata and ONE had elicited?  Particularly when they made a decent fist of the other characters?

From the beginning, I’d worried most about Genos – the clumsy, lifeless sequences we saw of him in the PV inspired no confidence.  With Genos both opening and closing out the season, they really needed to get him right to set the correct tone and leave the right taste in the audiences’ mouths.  JCStaff have struggled most with his portrayal, both in visuals and action, although it came together nicely in episode 11 (23). Mostly, it’s Ishikawa’s sterling voice acting that has carried the character all season. 

And then they silenced Ishikawa.  A mix of stupid-lazy-desperate-for-time meant that for the last episode, they cut out all of Genos’s POV regarding how uneasy he still felt about the monstrous presence he couldn’t pin down, his shrewdly  wondering how to find their headquarters, his initial assessment of the Elder Centipede and even how very carefully he thought before deciding to take action.  They thought his amazing actions could speak for themselves.  They were wrong.

It’s like having Garou act without benefit of flashbacks and assuming his actions will speak for themselves.  They don’t!  Without the benefit of our knowledge of his motivations and thoughts, he really is just a thug launching unprovoked attacks on heroes.

Instead of us seeing and understanding that Genos had learned, was thinking carefully on all he’d been told and the drastic action he took was because he’d weighed up the options and realised only someone sacrificing his life would save the others,  we got the opposite. So what they created instead was a guy who wouldn’t listen to repeated good advice, took on a too-strong enemy and got his butt kicked. Again.  And if there’s anything fans rightly hate, it’s a fool who won’t learn.    As I pointed out earlier, Genos opened and closed the season – so the impression that nothing had changed really took a lot of any climactic feel out of the episode.   

The title of the final episode didn’t help either.  Instead of translating it as ‘taking responsibility for one’s disciple’ which would apply with equal force to both Bang trying to bring Garou to heel and to Saitama, rushing in to deal with a situation Genos couldn’t deal with, Crunchyroll went with the near-literal ‘cleaning up the disciple’s mess’ and Hulu with the literal ‘wiping the disciple’s butt’.  Both of which set the viewer to see whatever Genos did as a mistake. Even though, ironically, he didn’t make any this episode.  It’s a translation klutz like finding out that someone has translated the English idiom ‘catching Peter’s eye’ as ‘gouging out Peter’s eye’ instead of ‘being noticed by Peter’ (no Peters were harmed in the making of this sentence).  That is out of JCStaff’s hands, but I hope that whoever does the DVD/Blu Ray has a better set of translators available.

Ah, it’s not worthwhile grousing. It’s not like they had the time to watch the finished episode back and consider the story they were actually telling.   I don’t envy whoever takes up season 3.  They have a lot of extra work to do to change viewers’ impression of the character and the source material isn’t going to help them.  It's going to br difficult to explain why, when faced with a fool who won't listen to him and appears intent on self-destruction, Dr Kuseno would hand Genos an outfit that needs the most careful judgement to use with any degree of safety. For manga readers, it makes sense. For anime watchers some heavy duty retconning will be necessary.

While ONE cried tears of joy after reading Chapter 84, if he’s crying any tears after this season, they won’t be happy ones. 

[a-woman-apart]

Hope

Remember, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please get help.

Crisis Text (U.S.): 741 741

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

You know what I said a couple weeks ago about waiting a couple of weeks before you make a Drastic, Negative, Irreversible Decision?

Well, I have confirmed evidence that it is true. It sounds cliché as hell, but when you are staring down a dark tunnel you really cannot see the light at the end of it. It feels like the pain will never end, and that nothing will ever be different. This is definitely a lie, because things will get better.

They will, because you are going to make them better.

How?

Well, first of all, you need to realize that depression is not just caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Even if that is true, that chemical imbalance can be exacerbated by external circumstances. I am talking about real people, places, or things that generally contribute to your feelings of despair.

Here’s a list of questions to ask yourself.

·        Are you in a romantic relationship that is sexually, physically, or emotionally abusive?

·        Have you experienced childhood trauma?

·        Are most of the people in your circle people who belittle, undermine, pressure, and/or demean you?

·        Are you in a codependent relationship with a family member or significant other?

·        Do you work at a job that has become unsatisfying, unfulfilling, or unbearable?

·        Are you under lots of pressure to perform academically?

·        Are you homeless, living in poverty, facing financial insecurity, or living paycheck to paycheck?

·        Do you live in a war zone or a country where your basic safety and freedoms are constantly threatened?

·        Do you have a chronic physical illness in addition to your mental illness?

·        Do you spend most of your time alone and/or feel that you cannot depend on other people?

·        Do you feel that you have to perform or put on a show in order for others to respect your needs, wants, or desires? (This includes having to pretend to be cis or straight in order to be respected or cared for)

·        Do you base your self-worth on your money or achievements, only to have that self-worth come crashing down when you ask yourself “what’s next?”

·        Are you afraid that others will “discover” that you are a fraud and do not deserve the status or position that you have?

·        Do you constantly feel bored or unchallenged, like you are simply moving through the motions of life with no purpose or meaning?

I am aware that the author Johann Hari is a controversial figure, but so much changed for me when I read his book, “Lost Connections”. He looked at causes of depression—some of the things I just mentioned—and possible cures. These cures were not based primarily in treating patients with medicine. Lots of people claim that Hari discouraged or undermined the use of antidepressants in his book, but that was not the interpretation that I got.

My understanding is that he posited that the medicine is kind of a “jump-start” for the brain. I have experienced severe bipolar depression before. I was listless, monosyllabic, barely able to get out of bed or take care of my daily hygiene. I was under the care of my parents. The medicine did not “cure” me, but it gave me enough motivation to begin attending groups, psychiatrist appointments, and therapy sessions.

For most people, medicine is a part of a holistic treatment plan. In my case, it isn’t even the primary ingredient—especially since I no longer take antidepressants at all (A/N: I stopped under the supervision of a psychiatrist; never, never, never stop taking antidepressants or any other psychiatric medication cold turkey).

You see, once I got my manic symptoms under control with mood stabilizers, I thought I was in the clear, but I started to experience symptoms of depression again. However, this was the “good”, or “high-functioning” kind of depression. When you’re “high-functioning”, you can go through the day wishing you could die but you’re still alert, efficient, and outwardly cheerful. Unfortunately, this “less debilitating” depression kills more people. When you are in this state, if your goal is to die, you often have the energy and motivation to follow through. It is extremely isolating because most often, you have created the perfect illusion that everything is fine, and so others often don’t think to reach out to you to make sure you are okay. You also have created walls that you yourself may struggle to break through.

I knew that I wasn’t okay, so I reached out for help. My experience was similar to Johann Hari’s. I was put on antidepressants that would work for a while, and then they would stop, and I would be switched to another.  My weight fluctuated wildly, and I experienced a variety of other unpleasant side effects. I was finally removed permanently from antidepressants when the antidepressant drug, Effexor, contributed to me having a mixed episode (mania + depression), which, like high-functioning depression, carries a high suicide risk. I have written extensively about the horrible withdrawal I experienced from Effexor.

This is not to say that my negative experiences are universal to all. Bipolar depression is often resistant to antidepressants, and most antidepressants carry the risk of pushing us into mania. People with Major Depressive Disorder/Unipolar Depression often respond better to antidepressants. My best friend has been on the same high dosage of an antidepressant for years and it helped to increase his motivation and pull him out of a rut. He, like me, though has attended therapy and changed key things in his life that were keeping him stuck.

My point—after saying all that—is to say that drugs alone won’t solve your problems.

Also, you have a real reason to be depressed.

This is not to say that neurons misfiring in your brain don’t contribute to your depression, or that there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. However, often there are things in our lives that make us feel small, trapped, or powerless, and these are often things that we can physically point to if we ask ourselves the right questions.

E N V I R O N M E N T A L

One big thing is work. You may work in a job you actually despise because you want to support your family. Most of us spend a third—or more—of our day at some kind of job. Maybe school is your job, and you’re drowning in a sea of assignments and deadlines.

Maybe there is no feasible way to leave that job or school (yet), but Johann Hari gives tips on how to hate it less. You could rearrange your schedule, change departments or majors, request different kinds of work, or otherwise try to find meaning in an outwardly shitty situation.

F I N A N C I A L

If you are in financial trouble, you could begin utilizing your community resources more. This includes getting local or government help with food and bills, but it also involves things like attending free job training and educational workshops or going to your local library so that they can connect you with employment resources. Libraries and colleges also often host hiring events and have bulletin boards where you can see the latest job postings for your area.

You could stop also depending on people financially who belittle you or make you feel guilty for receiving their help. Some people do nothing but give off unproductive energy—it isn’t worth it to receive assistance from these kinds of people, because you will never be able to do enough to pay them back. Even if you pay them back the physical resources, they will constantly try to violate your boundaries by saying, “Look at everything I did for you and you can’t even do X”. Run, do not walk, from these kinds of people.

A B U S E

As for abusive situations, these can be incredibly isolating. Your abuser has probably already driven wedges between you and your friends and family. You can however call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and get help. If you feel like you are in danger—even if that person has never physically attacked you—you should still call and get help and advice. They can connect you with shelters and other resources. They also provide help for people who are suffering from spiritual abuse, an overlooked but often devastating form of abuse.

You can also call Day One Services and get help if you are dealing with emotional abuse.

I S O L A T I O N

It takes a community. It takes us leaning on each other and working together. The lie is that you do this thing called life alone. You don’t. In disaster zones or war-torn areas, depending on the community can mean the difference between life and death.  

I know many of us don’t live in a disaster zone, but we still need community support. A lot of us don’t have friends—and struggle to make them—but if the Friendship Goal is too lofty, then you should start by just spending more time with people in general. You could start by just sitting in a coffee shop or going to a park and people watching. Or you could try to join online groups where you can speak freely about your hobbies. When it comes to taking the bigger steps, like joining an offline group or volunteering, set the bar super low.

I had been using Meet Up to try to find groups in my area, and I made this absurdly low goal of “attend one Meet Up this year”. Not five, three, or even two. Just one. I was terrified, but I did it. I still haven’t gone to another one, but it was a starting point. It helped my brain see that I could do it. Loneliness and isolation are dangerous; any small action you can take towards reducing those two factors will be incredibly helpful.

P E R S P E C T I V E

Sometimes our issue can be with the way we see the world; Johann Hari described some of these as “Disconnection from meaningful values”. If your fundamental view of the world is that you need to just continually climb the ladder of achievement—hording material wealth along the way— until you die, you lack meaningful values. If you have physical comfort, but your life lacks purpose or meaning, it can feel incredibly bleak. We need to both change our outward circumstances, and our behavior and way of thinking in order to see improvement. We need to stop thinking we deserve less, and instead start cutting out toxic people and working on moving out of toxic environments.

S U M M A R Y

At first, when I dropped out of my university, broke up with my boyfriend, and started planning to quit my job (and leave my overpriced apartment) I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Most therapists and psychiatric professionals would not recommend that someone with a mental health condition make that many changes at once. I overhauled everything within a six-month period, and the stress of it all made me need to go to inpatient. I was very ill physically for a while, lost tons of weight, racked up medical bills, etc.

In the end, though, what do I have? I can say that I am truly happy for the first time in ages. My tears are now happy tears. Everything worked out. I’m going to go to a much smaller, more accessible college for my Bachelor’s. I’m moving in with friends to save money and deal with the loneliness issue. I have a new job that is currently a much better fit than the old one was. My ex and I continue to be close friends, but it did take a period of adjustment. I was in big financial trouble, but now, with support, I am getting back on my feet. I was even able to sell my piano keyboard to make a few more simoleons.

Of course, sometimes I still feel very anxious because This Is A Lot, but my anxiety crisis is over. All these new life events are teaching me something that I severely lacked: flexibility. I am also now more resilient, knowing that having made it through this, I can make it through anything.

You are going to make it, too.

I understand that it is important to make sure you keep an internal locus of control. This means that certain things in your life are your responsibility and yours alone, and that you have power to change those things. You can’t make someone love you, but you can ask that they treat you with kindness, dignity, and respect, and remove yourself from the relationship with them if they do not acknowledge your request.  You can’t singlehandedly change the world, but you can volunteer and do other things that make a difference in your local community. These changes often have a ripple effect that alter the surrounding areas for the better.

It is going to be hard to change your environment, improve your financial situation, and discover your purpose in life. You could think you have it all figured out, and everything can change. If you feel overwhelmed, please reach out for help. Trust me, tons of resources are just a Google search away. If you’re stumped, go to your local library and ask for advice or books on the subject you’re struggling with.

For those of you who can’t leave home, even here on Tumblr there are users who have compiled tons and tons of “master posts” for things like “How to Get a Job”, “How to Be Frugal” or “How to Make Friends.” Even if you can’t make it to your local library, there are often links to databases in the library catalog that have a wealth of information on every subject. I know a huge amount of you struggle with executive dysfunction so starting and completing tasks can be really hard, but there’s posts for that, too. Even if all you do is get out of bed today and eat something instead of laying in bed and constantly scrolling through here, that is a start.

I know this has gotten incredibly wordy, but the point of it all is please, please, PLEASE don’t give up! You really can make positive changes, but it takes time. Don’t throw all the time you might have left away.

[cloudybookash-blog]

Just finished the first season of She-Ra and I only have a small amount of complaints that I think fall more into my personal opinion on characterizations and story lines than anything else. 

Love that the princesses that are there from the beginning are cute, gay and happy. Love that for them.

Love the diversity. Glimmer is body divergent but it never addressed as something inherently bad, or as a flaw - homegirl just look like that. Beau (Bo?) being part of the princesses because he is, and all his little background mannerisms where he’s seen cleaning and keeping things neat. 

Scorpia’s entire personality is the greatest, she’s such a realistic character who belongs to a family that gave their allegiance and power source to the horde willingly and she prides herself in her role by taking care of her troops and running a tight ship whilst also being one of the bad guys because well, she was never welcome with any of the other princesses. Her story is so believable and truly underrated. Plus, she’s just very nice. 

The other princesses having such a wide array of personalities (albeit without many complexities, I’ll admit) is refreshing. 

I’m a fan of the art-style, love all the pretty colors (and kind of reminds me of Steven Universe, ngl). Each setting has its own beautiful color palette, which is always helpful in identifying new places and remembering them when there are about 10.

My only problems really came in three (maybe four) people.

1. Adora. If anything I would’ve thought she’d make the perfect villain. First in everything, the favorite, constantly better than her peers with the emotional range of a teaspoon. Yes, yes, she’s fantastic with her new friends but we’ve seen better characters. She’s given multiple occasions to coerce her old crew into joining the rebellion but she never takes them, and when she does it’s done without heart, like I questioned her integrity a couple of times she just didn’t seem all that willing to help her old friends.

Yes, with Bow (apparently that’s how his name is spelled) and Glimmer she’s loyal and caring, thoughtful even. But none of that loyalty and thoughtfulness is present in her previous relationships. Upon finding out that the Horde is evil and that she more than likely was kidnapped as a young child (insinuating that almost EVERY horde soldier was stolen from their families) she doesn’t, not once, speak to her entire old crew and show them what she knows in a way that isn’t overtly condescending.

There’s a moment where I think Catra is going to join Adora, but even then, Adora is only bargaining, and asking Catra to join her because Catra is literally about to kill her. And EVEN THEN she barely tried, rather than apologising for not being aware enough when they were kids to stand up for Catra in a way that would’ve mattered to her, she just goes on about how Catra doesn’t have to do this. This forces Catra to give up her grounds has someone who’s been wronged because the wrong-does refuses to admit fault.

Like I said, my problems are probably all to do with personal preferences of characters. People probably view this as a unique flaw never really had in an MC before. Except, it’s pretty common in male MC’s in high fantasy’s. And I not only read a lot of those, but also hate them specifically because the characters have minimal self awareness and almost 0% integrity anytime they’re genuinely confronted with their flaws.

2. Catra. Listen, she would’ve been a GREAT She-Ra. You can’t deny it. She’s always coming in second best, she can never get ahead, she’s not only hated but has been actively tortured because of her ties to Adora. She’s been told the only reason she’s kept around is because Adora seems to like her. She’s literally alive because some six year old wanted a pet. She would be the first one to have zero (0) reasons to stay with the horde.

Her entire life has been spent in the shadow and to be able to be She-Ra, with enough support could bring her the confidence in her person she so sorely needs. We’ve seen she’s a great leader, although as a villain in a serial she’s obviously going to be beaten time and time again but she does actually have good plans and she has a flare for the dramatic. 

This isn’t Loki-style fanning over a ‘morally-grey’ character this is sadness at the fact people may interpret her character as, ‘people who are ambitious are evil, people who don’t conform to society, or aren’t very charming socially are evil’. Rather than we (the audience) should try being a little more aware of the people around us and how our actions can deeply effect them.

Catra’s personality and in the end her resolve is formed by the actions of Shadow Weaver, Adora, and her team. They bully, ostracize and abuse her (some, unknowingly of course) but that’ s the point. Her ‘evilness’ is brought on by years of people not being self-aware enough to understand the damage they were causing. She’s a great sympathetic villain, I don’t think I’ve ever even felt sympathy for a fictional ‘bad guy’ before so don’t get me wrong she’s fine in her role. I just, personally, would’ve enjoyed seeing her at the forefront of the rebellion rather than Adora.

With a personality that would’ve been open to an underdog scenario, and her persistent attitude (especially if this was fueled by people supporting and relying on her) she could’ve been a great She-Ra.

3. Entrapta. Again this is solely the whole how she’s going to perceived thing, ‘geeks and freaks are weird and societal outcasts are evil.’ It keeps up this narrative of only certain types of people are allowed to be good, there’s a check list of traits you have to have that are unrelated to your ideologies that decide which side you fight for.

Entrapta, like Catra, is treated like an outcast and always (in sinisterly subtle ways that are usually used as comedic relief) made to feel bad for who she is. She’s curious on top of everything else but the lesson we get about her story ark is curiosity killed the rebellion. It’s like saying ‘don’t be too curious’, otherwise you’ll end up with no morals and will be easily manipulated into joining the ‘evil people’.

When, again, the meaning should be that we REALLY need to put more effort into making those in our society who are different know and understand that they’re important. No, this doesn’t mean baby school shooter, incel type people or people who legitimately go out of their way to hurt others for no reason. But, we shouldn’t treat neuro-divergent people with such hostilities (subtle or otherwise) because then WE create the monster. Just as with Catra, Entrapta was created through the actions of her peers towards her person.

I can’t blame either of these villains for choosing the dark side, who wasn't to be good when the people on the good side don’t want you to be, well, YOU.

4. Decidedly, four things that bug me. Bow and Glimmers (already mentioned Adora’s part in this) and extendedly the other Princesses’ treatment of those in the horde they meet. One specific scene got me MAD. Bow is imprisoned and one of Adora’s ex-crew mates begins betraying his own just because Bow is the first person to actual listen and all this kid wants is to have friends, real friends that would do anything for one another and this poor kid is TRYING. Bow’s reaction was abysmal to say the least. At first, he cracks a joke that he doesn’t really have a choice as he’s imprisoned, we get it, funny ha-ha. But, he genuinely appears to believe that the only reason he’s listening is because he’s imprisoned, that he (who gave Adora her chance before even really getting to know her) wouldn’t give the exact same to this kid actively risking his life to relay information about Glimmer. 

Bow’s the puppy-love character whose flaw is (supposed to be) that he loves/trusts too easy. So why is he suddenly not listening to this kid just trying to have a friend who is actively helping Bow and is (possibly) the sole reason they find Glimmer in the end. Without his help there wouldn’t have been enough time to hack into the horde’s tech again to search for her. But, Bow doesn’t say anything when his rescue arrives AND THROWS THIS KID OFF A CLIFF MID-SENTENCE. I don’t know, that felt so wildly out of character.

Glimmer I understand more, she’s hotheaded and originally was VERY against Adora. It took a lot of life threatening situations for her to finally begin trusting Adora. Still, upon getting to know Adora, learning how horribly she was raised, the trauma it’s left her with, Glimmer (not for one seconds) questions whether they should MAYBE check on other horde members, no one should be kidnapped and raised in such an environment only to die for a regime that’s been lying to them. Yet, that’s exactly what happened.

Don’t get me wrong, these are four things that I pretty much understand have more to do with my preferences with characters and story-lines than anything else and like I said, the list (though detailed because I love being negative) is small in comparison to list of things that I like so far about the show. 

Just wanted to get that out there.

Also, does the Voltron fandom follow She-Ra because this ECHOES Voltron vibes and I honestly don’t see a reason why they shouldn’t also vehemently back this show (other than the straights that watch Voltron are too busy getting off on gay men to care or give any ground to a just as diverse, funny, cast that just so happens to have gender flipped the story.)