#the two months

[peterjakes]

My Mad Fat Diary Fanfic - Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Selfish Mutterings

Archie meets up with Finn and realises how selfish he has been. From trying to avoid Barney, the two end up together once again but Archie cracks. 

also posted on ao3; https://archiveofourown.org/works/20154688/chapters/106548834

Archie hadn’t seen Barney in almost three weeks, not that he was counting. After their last encounter, Archie wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel. Maybe Barney hadn’t remembered certain parts, they were pretty drunk and when you’re drunk, you can blackout, forget stuff. But Archie didn’t forget, he didn’t forget any of it. And that wasn’t because he was clinging onto meaningless things. No, Archie remembered them because they did actually happen. But what Barney had said at college that day, he clearly had remembered them. He even said those words out loud, even if they were only whispered. But Barney had clearly been thinking about what had happened, why would he have corned Archie if he didn’t care? He could have just ignored it, but maybe that would have been even more awkward. Maybe Archie was overthinking it all, which was something he regularly did.

Archie knew he had to clear his mind of all this Barney stuff, it was messing with his head and honestly, he didn’t want to deal with that anymore. He wanted to actually enjoy the time he had left in Lincolnshire before heading up to Durham and probably never seeing half of these people again. No, that wasn’t true. Maybe he wouldn’t speak to Izzy or Chloe. Maybe not even Rae. Or Chop. But Finn? Well, Archie couldn’t imagine his life without Finn in it. He hadn’t really spoken to Finn much in the past few weeks, too entangled in his own drama. And that wasn’t fair. Finn was always there for Archie, always. Archie had just been selfish, worrying about a boy who didn’t even like him, who didn’t even know what he wanted. It was all so stupid. It was obvious something was going on with Finn and Rae, which Archie didn’t like to see. Those two were perfect for each other, and maybe they’d have a few bumps along the way, but everything needed to work out for them. They both deserved it. Finn was never a big speaker, Archie knew that. And Archie never wanted to pry, but he hadn’t managed to get anything from Rae. She was keeping her lips firmly sealed, as was Chloe, which was very unlike her. Maybe Rae hadn’t told Chloe anything, maybe there wasn’t anything to worry about. Maybe Archie was just being extra cautious.

Archie hadn’t managed to get any more out of Finn when they met up in the park. It was a spur of the moment thing; Archie wasn’t intending of interrogating Finn, but it was nice to have something else to think of. Finn was wearing his signature leather jacket with a loose grey tee and jeans. Archie noticed how scruffy Finn looked, more so than usual. Archie couldn’t say he looked great himself, he was sure he’d worn this t-shirt yesterday, it definitely hadn’t been washed. But Archie doubted that Finn would even care.

“You alright?” Archie greeted Finn, trying to put on a brave face. It was clear to Archie that Finn wasn’t himself, and Archie could say he felt the same. But something felt odd.

“Nah, not really.” Finn was avoiding Archie, making sure not to look at him. It was as if he couldn’t face the two pairs of eyes meeting. Finn knew that the moment they looked at each other, he’d just crumble. Archie knew Finn, maybe more than anyone. Archie was one of the only people Finn could be honest with. But he was struggling with things more now, it had become harder.

“Yeah, I know how you feel.” Archie didn’t want to wallow in self-pity, and after realized how selfish he was being. But in that moment, he felt like only his problems mattered.

“S’up, Arch?” Finn moved to pull out a cigarette, lighting it and glancing over to Archie, watching him intently.

“Nothing, it’s nothing.” That was a lie, a big one. Archie knew it, and so did Finn.

Finn waited a moment before turning to Archie, head on.

“It’s her anniversary, ‘ya know.” Shit, it was. It had been 8 years since Finn’s mum had died. It wasn’t that Archie had forgotten, of course he hadn’t. But Finn didn’t grieve very publicly, not after that first year. Archie sometimes took flowers to her grave, if he was passing. Finn knew this of course, he knew Archie always bought the peonies, but they never spoke about it. Finn rarely spoke about his mum to anyone, only briefly mentioning it to Rae and Archie. Others knew but never wanted to push him. Archie didn’t either, but maybe this was why Finn was struggling. It made Archie’s struggles seem so meaningless. He still had his mum. She had seen him grow up into who he was today. And his mum was always so supportive, she tried her best. Archie couldn’t imagine life without her either.

“Doesn’t feel that long, does it? Like nothing’s changed.” He was wrong of course, so much had changed and sometimes Archie wish he could turn back the clock. Do things differently. But that was never going to happen.

“Everything ‘as, Arch.”

“I know. Have you spoke to Rae-“

“’bout me mum?” Finn questioned Archie, almost confused. He wasn’t talking about Rae, wasn’t thinking about Rae right now. It was obvious the two were having problems, but Finn didn’t want to talk about that, not right now. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to talk about his mum. But talking to Archie, or even just spending time with him, it had always worked in the past. It had helped, in some way. Distracted him. And that’s what Finn needed.

“About anything. I thought you two were doing alright but-“

“We’re fine.” Finn answered almost at the exact time Archie had finished speaking, as if he knew exactly what Archie was going to say.

“Would Rae say the same? Look, mate, I just care about you, both of you.”

“Should start caring ‘bout ‘self ‘bit more.” That was harsh, Finn knew that, but it had to be said. It was becoming clearer and clearer than something was happening with Archie. Finn didn’t want to force anything out of him, just like he knew Archie wouldn’t do to him. But he cared about it and he wanted to help.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Feeling taken aback, Archie moved his glasses upwards.

“Come on, Arch. I’m not an idiot. Did ‘ya ever go and see someone, like ‘ya said?”

“No, I don’t…I don’t need to.”

“Right.”

Archie could tell Finn was pissed off, maybe not at him, but it did feel a bit like that. There were only a few times Archie could remember when they had argued or even disagreed. One of the more recent times was when Archie had decided to ask Rae out and then didn’t even bother to turn up. Archie was being a coward. He liked Rae, even back then, more than most people but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d done it to other girls before, and every single time he was a coward. He couldn’t even tell Rae himself; making Finn do his dirty work. Finn did it, of course he did, he was his best mate. But Archie couldn’t help but feel a little bit of judgement from Finn. Archie knew now that maybe Finn just wanted Archie to be honest with himself. That was the first step.

“I’m sorry. Everything just feels so shit, but you know I’m here if you need?”

“’Course I do, bud.” Finn gave Archie a quick smile, but Archie could have sworn it was genuine.

*

The gang along with some others were hanging down the rec, the spring weather was picking up now and Archie couldn’t wait until the summer. Things just seemed much easier when the sun was blaring down at you. But being closer to the summer meant being closer to everything changing. Archie wasn’t sure if he was quite ready for that yet. He’d been so preoccupied with everything that he’d let his studies slip, only a little, but it enough for him to notice. He hated himself for that, the whole point of everything was for him to go to college, get out and make a life for himself. What was he doing?

But then again, he was only 18. He still had his whole lie ahead of him. He didn’t have to be a constant worrier. Maybe he should try to enjoy himself more. Ignoring everything that had happened over the past few months, when was the last time Archie actually enjoyed himself? Actually smiled. Was actually happy. Archie couldn’t remember. Maybe it was time for him to put himself first for once, and actually put himself first.

With this new state of mind, Archie felt much lighter. It was good to be hanging with the gang, everyone seemed to be getting on as much as they could. After his chat with Finn, he didn’t want to concern himself too much with any troubles Rae and Finn may be having. It was their relationship, not his. But they seemed better today. The two were sitting together, their legs intertwined with each other’s. They seemed to be talking about something, but it didn’t seem too deep. Rae was talking with her hands, whilst Finn watched her, smiling.

Izzy was occupied with Chloe, rambling on about some new film she’d gone to seen. Her and Chop were a little distant, but Chop hadn’t seen to notice. Smoking cigarettes with Little Al and Lizard like he didn’t have a care in the world. Chloe seemed happy, she was laughing and smiling. Her eyes lit up whenever Archie and Chloe locked eyes, he was happy to see her like this.  

One person was missing. The lads hadn’t mentioned anything about Barney, not even acknowledging his absence. Archie hadn’t even noticed at first, he was too occupied trying to focus on something else for a change. It was true that Barney didn’t always turn up, it was very often that he would agree to things but never appear. He was always such a mystery.

But he wasn’t missing today. There he was, walking towards the group slowing, with a big smile on his face.

Barney. Shit. No, not shit. It didn’t matter that Barney was there. Of course, they were bound to bump into each other at some point. Barney didn’t want to talk or think about what had happened, so why should Archie? He wasn’t going to ignore him, that would be dumb, but he wasn’t going fawn all over him either. He was over that now. He didn’t want that. Greeted by the lads, Barney gave them all a wide smile, his teeth glistening in the sunlight. Archie was still sitting down; he hadn’t rushed to say hello and that was obvious to Barney.

“’lright, there, Arch?” Barney stumbled down beside Archie, seemingly ignoring everyone else. Archie could smell the beer from his breath, he was clearly already quite drunk. Much drunker than everyone else there. Barney shifted closer to Archie as he sat, his thighs almost leaning up against the boy beside him.

Archie nodded, trying to move away from Barney as subtly as he could. But in hindsight it didn’t actually matter, considering Barney was pretty drunk. “I’m fine, fine.”

“Well, that’s good, ain’t it?” Barney smiled at Archie; his eyes all dazed. He glanced around to the rest of the group, all in their own little worlds, as if to make sure no one was watching the two. “Beer?” Motioning over to the beer bottles sitting in the middle of the grass, Barney moved over to grab them before Archie could even answer.

“Er, yeah. Sure you should have one? You reek, Barney.” Taking a beer from Barney’s shaking hand, Archie couldn’t help but feel some concern for Barney. He didn’t hate him, far from that, he was worried about him. Regardless of what had happened.

“’t’s fine, stop fussing, Archie.” Barney tried to playfully push Archie off but ended up falling back himself. Archie couldn’t help but smile; Barney making a fool of himself is exactly what Archie needed right now. Archie watched Barney for a moment, before pulling him back up to reality.

“Fine, fine.” Archie nodded, wanting some normality between the two, although he knew it was unlikely that he was going to get it.

Barney seemed to ignore this comment, and just babbled on about pointless shit for the next 10 minutes. He did love the sound of his own voice, Archie understood that at least. And any other time, Archie would have hung onto every word that escaped Barney’s mouth. But not today.

It wasn’t until around 5 minutes later that Barney suddenly stopped look directly at Archie. He looked the way he looked when they kissed those few weeks ago at the party. Archie wasn’t sure whether Barney would do that again. He was drunk but everyone else was around, Barney wouldn’t risk it.

“We should go for a walk, stretch me legs, eh?” Before Archie could even contemplate an answer, Barney had pulled him up and started to walk away from the rest of their friends. He started rambling on about some funny story he thought Archie would like, but Archie wasn’t listening, not really. He wasn’t thinking about the story, but how angry he was getting. How hurt he really was. And how Barney didn’t even seem to know what he’d done.

Barney was acting normal, as it nothing had happened. It was starting to get pretty annoying. Archie hadn’t wanted to mention it, but keeping it hidden wasn’t going to help anyone. Archie was going to crack.

Crack.

All of a sudden, Barney had fallen to the ground. Archie was getting tired of this. Tired of being his helper, tired of tiptoeing around him. Enough was enough.

“Fuck, Archie…” Putting his hands out for Archie to pull him up, Barney smiled at him, as he was expecting Archie to fall down and do exactly what he wanted. But that wasn’t going to happen. Archie watched Barney struggle until he managed to pull himself up without Archie’s help.

“You can’t mess me about, Barney. It’s not fair. You don’t get what it’s like for me! It’s been … it’s been fucking hard, ‘lright? Guys like you, you just …you don’t know the effect you can have.” Archie tried his best to not raise his voice but he just couldn’t help it. He was angry now. It just wasn’t fair.

“Mate!” Barney seemed confused, which only made Archie more annoyed. Why wasn’t he getting it? Why did he think this was all OK?

“You can’t just… do the things you do and say the things you say!” The desperation was seeping through Archie’s voice, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted Barney to at least understand. Archie couldn’t keep it all bottled up, not now.

“Mate, I get it, ‘lright? I do. ‘m sorry. Didn’t mean to ‘urt you, you’re a mate.”

“A mate? Right. Mates. You shouldn’t keep kissing a mate and then decide you don’t like it. That’s not on. I already get enough shit from people” Archie was angry, really angry. There’s only been a few standout moments in Archie’s life when he felt like he was going to explode. “I don’t need you making me look like an idiot.” Archie said calmly, but still making sure to Barney that he didn’t want to be messed about anymore and he wasn’t going to take it sitting down.

“You’re not an idiot, Arch. I… ‘m sorry. Real sorry. Fucked up, didn’t I? Forgive me? Please, Arch.” It had finally come, Barney had finally realized or at least started to understand what was happening. Barney tugged on Archie’s arm, hard, as if he didn’t want to ever let go. His eyes were wide, and he mind seem to be working quickly. But that didn’t matter. Archie had said what he’d wanted to say and there nothing else to be done.

“I think I need to go home. I’ll see ‘ya around Barney.”

[shoomlah]

I have a feeling that beneath the little halo on your noble head There lies a thought or two the devil might be interested to know You're like the finish of a novel that I'll finally have to take to bed You fascinate me so

You Fascinate Me So, Blossom Dearie

[andry-di]

Am I late to the party?

[ato-dato]

Go on, burst every one of his bubbles why don’t you

[artkaninchenbau]

A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

[rudjedet]

[transmonstera]

BE UNPALATABLE / SHOW YOUR TEETH

[IMAGE ID: "changing your taste for the cissexuals' palate is to sacrifice your own tongue" in black text. there are wolves on either side of the text with a black border and white background. black stars and trans symbols decorate the image. END]

[ciearcab]

musing over a priest or something like that

[myrkulitescourge]

the way that one line from the new epilogue in an astarion romance is going to HAUNT me

just. what a profoundly intense thing to confess to someone.

like, just these six months of newfound happiness with you exerts a force on his heart equal and in direct opposition to two centuries of endless torment, the gnawing hunger and exploitation. this flashbulb-bright fraction of his long life holds the same gravity to him as years upon years of darkness and suffering.

in all likelihood, he hasn’t even known his lover for as long as his worst memory lasted, that year sealed away to go mad from starvation and sensory deprivation, yet he still tells them this brief time has been so fundamentally and powerfully important that the weight of even that unimaginable hell is vanishingly small compared to this present he has now and the future ahead of them both.

how am i supposed to act normal about this.

[joethesparkle]

Reigen genuinely had no idea

[circusclownproductions]

God didn’t give me a dick cuz I’d get hard from a timelapse of a flower blooming and everyone would make fun of me

[sepia-stained-sunset]

Duke, Jason, Damian and Cass who only knew Kon and Tim during their "I would burn down the world for you" era asking the rest of the family how Tim missed their obvious chemistry, how he's been oblivious to the person he's been in love with since the day they met.

Steph, Dick, Bruce, Alfred and Babs, who all got a taste of their initial Young Justice years where Tim was one second away from framing Kon for murder, just exchange amused looks.

[ashipwreckcoast]

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

[jennicatzies]

Average nightmare sequence

Reference under the cut

Drawing is a reference to this HAHAH

I struggled to spell Charbonneau for a good like 2 minutes btw on god

[ruushes]

dancing lessons! have to pass the time at camp somehow 💃