#the whole thing is just so bizarre to me because if you google the brand you literally see their older pieces being sold on like poshmark

[gobbluthbutagirl]

lol so like 100000 years ago, like literally all the way back in MARCH when i was still living in my shithole apartment, i ordered stuff from some company that i had assumed was legit, and i had ordered it to be delivered to my dad’s house because i knew i was about to move out of that shithole and their website said to allow 2-3 weeks for processing before it shipped. well. 2-3 weeks went by, then 2-3 months, and it never shipped. and i noticed some stuff was off about the whole thing, like in the shopify app you couldn’t actually browse the products like you can with literally every other shop, you have to go to their website directly to even see their shit. and because of this there’s also no shop rating in the shopify app like there is with literally every other shop. so i’m like, ok, whatever, i got scammed, and i’m out like $100, but i have other shit going on right now too so i don’t really care that much about that. and i did report it to shopify a couple times like, hey, i never got my shit, but obviously nothing ever came of that. and i’m also separately having a weird problem with my email address where it’s like 14 years old and the provider has actually been defunct for a while now and i literally don’t even know if that’s actually why but ANYWAY every time i try to send an email from my email app it just bounces and doesn’t send and i can’t even log into my account on their website either because the 2-factor authentication they have on there literally does not even work, like it sends me a code and then i put in the code and it’s like, wrong code! even though i know for a fact it’s the right code.

and so anyway all this to say i couldn’t email the company directly either so i was just like whatever. but then i also didn’t want to try to get my bank to refund the charges either because i was like, what if they do eventually ship it? and obviously they wouldn’t do ever do that if i managed to get my money back, and i did want that stuff clearly because otherwise i wouldn’t have ordered it. so i just kind of forgot about it for a while and made a million other online purchases on shopify since then all of which i’ve had zero issues with. so it was just kind of this thing in the background that i was just choosing to not deal with.

but then fast-forward to today. the “order placed” just randomly changed to “shipped.” and there’s no tracking number and i never got any type of email saying it had shipped. and the only time i’ve ever had a package not have a tracking number is when i’ve ordered overseas from the uk and this company is ALLEGEDLY based in the la area so i’m just like…lol. and i don’t know at what point this happened but i tried to click on their website today after this and the domain literally isn’t even registered anymore. so like again…lol. and i’m thinking either this package hasn’t actually shipped and will not actually ship and it was just marked as shipped so they don’t get in trouble for never having shipped it at the six-month mark which is coming up really soon OR if it did ship it did NOT ship from los angeles and instead shipped from somewhere overseas(presumably china) and could i guess actually theoretically arrive at some point within the next month. which of course will be ~6 months after i ordered it. which AGAIN…lol!

[fragileswift1313]

Bing!

Kia ora, friends!

I think I may need to preface this for those not necessarily keeping up with tech news, so a few weeks ago at this point, Microsoft announced it was releasing ‘The New Bing’, powered by a version of ChatGPT, which is an update to their search engine that competes with Google. Now, if you’re not familiar with ChatGPT, that’s a whole other topic that is well outside of the scope of this post (or even this publication!), but this article from The Verge might be able to give you some context. This new version of Bing is pretty cool and I’ve played around with it a bit, and I wanted to share with you all some of the stuff I’ve gotten out of it.

So on a whim a recently, I decided to ask Bing to write me a poem. To be honest I was kind of shocked, because it’s so good, it feels like magic. I had a particular person in mind when I asked for this, and it just fits so well with how I really feel. Of course I can’t claim any kind of credit for this, a robot wrote it, but I felt like I desperately needed to share it with the world because it’s so fucking good.

The prompt was ‘heartbreak, hatred and loss’, and the following is what it gave me:

You broke my heart into pieces You filled my soul with hatred You took away all my reasons To live, to love, to create Now I'm left with nothing but pain Nothing but memories of you Nothing but scars that remain Of the love that was never true I wish I could forget you forever I wish I could erase you from my mind I wish I could find a new lover Who would be gentle and kind But you haunt me like a ghost You linger in my dreams You are the one I loved the most And the one who made me scream So how can I move on from this loss? How can I heal this wound? How can I bear this cross? That weighs me down like a tomb Maybe someday I'll find peace Maybe someday I'll forgive Maybe someday I'll release The hatred that makes me live But until then, I'll write these words To express what's in my heart To let go of these hurts And make a new start.

After reading that, I decided to give Bing the same prompt but with a “happy ending,” and it wrote this:

You broke my heart into pieces You filled my soul with hatred You took away all my reasons To live, to love, to create But then I met someone new Someone who made me smile Someone who saw me through The darkness and the trial He showed me how to love again He healed my broken heart He gave me hope and joy and pain And a brand new start Now I'm grateful for what you did You made me stronger and wiser You helped me find my true love's bid And become a better person So thank you for breaking my heart Thank you for making me hate Thank you for taking apart My life, my love, my fate Because of you, I found the one Who loves me more than you ever did Who makes me happy and makes me fun Who is my partner and my friend.

These honestly gave me goosebumps when I read them. A machine wrote this. I mean I guess technically not just one machine but many, but it’s still bizarre to me that AI technology finally feels like it has arrived. It’s not perfect of course, and you may have heard about some of the bizarre things Bing was saying before Microsoft put some additional chains on it, but it’s still really fucking cool.

As far as I’m aware, Microsoft is currently taking requests for access to this, but if you have a Microsoft account and a device that can run their Edge browser (there is also a dedicated Bing app on the iOS apps store), you can head to bing dot com and reserve your place in the queue. I think this is really cool; it remionds me of the first time I got to interact with Siri on a family member’s iPhone 4s, how magic that was to finally see a voice assistant that worked. I’m really excited about the future of this technology, y’all!

Thanks so much for reading! As always, if you have comments/questions/suggestions, you can hit me up at the links at the bottom of the page. I also have a personal Tumblr page where I mostly just Taylorpost (the term I invented for endlessly reblogging GIFs of Taylor Swift) and reblog stuff that I like? And, there’s that email address there now too!

Thanks again, everyone. I’ll talk to you all again soon. Ka kite anō au i a koe. 💚

Socials etc | Twitter | Mastodon | Cohost | Substack | itch.io | Letterboxd | Instagram | Carrd | Email

[cocochannel00]

Story time: How Fan Pages Directly Impact Columbia Records Decisions and Harry Styles Image

Ok I was waiting to see if I would need to sign an NDA after the session way back in June but I haven’t so here’s what I’m going to spill for all the people that don’t think record labels keep up with fan pages:

I was at a zoom event with the Vp of Digital Marketing for Columbia Records (he label Harry is signed too) and the guy on the call (John Vincent Salcedo) talked a lot about the Eroda campaign.

The campaign wasn’t initially supposed to be that big (and was supposed to be a secret much longer) but it was the fans that figured out all of these crazy connections because of their errors. The fans found the connections in accounts and all of these “Easter eggs” that weren’t even Easter eggs but they gained so much attention online that Columbia rolled with it decided to blow it up.

That entire campaign was literally driven by Instagram accounts and Twitter and tumble finding bizarre connections to Harry from the code of the website to the post cards share through Google drive (big stupid mistake there).

They are literally watching everything to see what’s trending, what do fans want, what are they able to give us (what are they able to get Harry onboard with). So while sure Harry might have been given the credit about wanting to make the Eroda island, almost everything else done by th digital marketing team at Columbia was driven by fans. (Keep in mind there’s only so much they can watch so it’s usually just keeping an eye on hashtags and look at the bigger fan accounts and what’s going on in their comments section etc)

They also talked about how each artist on the label handle their social media differently. Some artists choose to be completely in control of what gets posted, what they post, what they like, and comment on (think Miley cyrus). While others have their digital team take control of their accounts when it comes to posting, liking, following etc and then there’s some that do a combination of both (they and the digital team have control together). Regardless of what they choose all artists have it in their contract that their required to promote their tours and music (think of why all of Harry’s posts since going solo have only really been about promoting himself).

If you don’t think the publicity team keeps with fans you’d also be wrong. Mike Navarra who is the VP of Publicity at Columbia follows 4 different Harry update accounts on Instagram (who the heck needs four of the same content as a VP).

His PR team is always watching what’s online and fans reactions so don’t think that they don’t have ways of getting things taken down and covered up.

Every aspect of Harry and celebrities that we see is because their publicist and publicity teams want you to see it. Every “candid” photo, every pap walk, it’s all perfectly staged and set to create and perfect their image. It’s not all necessary fake, but structured. Sure some fan photos are inevitably going to leak here and there but the media training he’s gone through since One Direction makes it so you’ll never see him lash out at anyone like other celebrities because he knows how to hide his anger (and if he did lash out at a pap or someone his team would quickly shut it down and you would never know).

Everyone has their own version of Harry in their head and that’s ok! But some times it’s good to remember that Harry Styles that “we know” or think we know is ultimately Harry Style the brand, not the person. The Harry that gets portrayed to us is only shown through tailored videos and interviews where questions have been banned/excluded or through rare social media postings used to promote merchandise and tour or an album. No one knows who he is so we shouldn’t act like we do (but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be held accountable for his actions from time to time). Harry most likely is a pretty decent and genuine guy but what we see as fans and what happens when no ones around is a different story (just like everyone). Just because he uses good marketing strategies and promotion tactics to sell his music, doesn’t make him a bad person.

Ultimately what I’m getting at is that Harry Styles is a business and a business needs to do well so him and his team will do whatever they need to do to get him to the Beyoncé level of success that he wants where he could drop an album with no warning and have it go double platinum in less then an hour. His entire Fine Line album was held together by his dedicated fans pushing it to the general public. Without them, there’s no way he would have been Grammy nominated (aside from in Azoff connection which we can get into another time) and he would have had a decent release much like his first solo album (nothing to this scale). I’m not saying this to discredit his hard work on the album but the pop genre is very vast and for a song like watermelon sugar to become so big (don’t hate me for dising the song I’m just soooo over it) you need to acknowledge all of the other factors everyone happily choose to ignore so they can put an artist on a pedestal.

*disclaimer this has nothing to do with larrie (I know some weirdo is gonna be that guy) and if you’re a larrie please leave as I can’t help you*

*ok second disclaimer cause some people are getting aggressive: I’m not saying everything an artist does is based on what their fans want. I’m saying that the music industry as a whole is based on trends. It’s the reason tik tok and tik tok songs have been able to reach such popularity sometimes from nothing. There’s a lot of factors involved in marketing and promoting an artist/their brand and keeping fans engaged (especially large fan bases) is important for artists long term success (I’m mean look at Olivia Rodrigo now, her team looked at what people like from drivers license aka teenage angst and made sure to market that as part of her look for her album). This is how all record labels work, they try and show the best version of the artist/talent. And yes for those out there, there are some celebrities that are nice a genuine but they’re also human so take them off the pedestal and treat them like what they are, human.

Here’s the proof of the event since people be annoying :

[crimsonblackrose]

Tagged by @wicked-jade Thank you!

Current time: 12:01

Current status: Single

Favorite food: ice cream, hotteok, jajamyeong, japanese curry, a simple grilled fish or eel with rice, salmon, lasagna, pizza.

Song stuck in my head: I’m listening to a playlist so what’s currently playing is “Claudia” by FINNEAS

Favorite colors: blue, purple, teal, black

Last thing I googled: Avanti 1984 convertible/ Avanti timeline. Not sure if this would interest anyone, but it got cut from my article so I’ll put it here.

I’m a little wordy on the rest of this so I’m sticking it under a read more

There was a Avanti II red convertible prototype used in various film productions in the 80s including like one scene of the karate kid. The idea I assume was that it’d promo for the expected release of the first ever Avanti convertible slated to come out in 1984, I found press releases for this. So if you google like red car karate kid you get Avanti 1984 convertible, despite that not being what the car actually is and there being little information about the actual car. Which is weird. After days of research I realized that the 1984 production of Avanti’s all had to be recalled. They were supposed to use a very special racing paint, and I don’t know if it was the resin bumpers or the fiberglass parts, or just a new paint not used on this type of car before, but the paint just refused to stick. And like this issue happened fast, leading to a mass recall of all the produced 1984 models because they were under factory warranty. Which meant Avanti had to foot the bill. And subsequently went bankrupt for like the models 3rd or 4th time. When it passed over to new ownership, again, they finally picked up the convertibles and actually produced them in 1987.

All of this meaning that the convertible from the movie and a bunch of other random things is one of a kind and the advertisement for the models you suppose it was meant for don’t actually exist, or if that character owned that car it would’ve started peeling and turned pretty ugly fast and thus would’ve had to be sent back to the factory/Avanti in 1984/1985. It also means, for some bizarre reason despite being like a famous film and TV car, you can’t find it anywhere.  Or at least I couldn’t.

So what does this mean? This means in the world of the movies, if he has this brand new 1984 Avanti convertible and not the prototype, as most people assume it’s meant to be, then shortly after his sensei tries to murder him and he loses pretty much everything and falls apart due to trauma, his nearly $40,000 car (that’s how much they were expected to go for according to the press release) also starts to chip and fall apart on him.

Something I want to do right now:

Get everything that is on my creative back burner and to do list off of it. I have 2 fanfics that are close to being done that I’d like to finish and get off my plate. One is much closer to being done then the other.

I have the audio of one podcast episode sitting on my computer and that has been for a year that a friend has very patiently been waiting for me to edit, transcribe and upload, but I’ll need to record new audio explaining that it’s the last episode and a year old due to reasons and check with the friend I interviewed if they’d like to add any changes since it’s been a year.

I have a series on Italy that needs to be written up from my notes, the photos need to be pulled from my storage and uploaded to my travel blog/portfolio. I have 3-4 different novel first drafts that are sitting unfinished on my computer in various states of revision. I have a partial started butterfly needlepoint I need to finish, a whole bunch of yarn I was going to turn into scarves, a bunch of kits for making little crochet ghosts that I need to learn how to do. I need to find a violin repair shop and guitar repair shop and take both instruments in and see what the estimate for the repairs would be and then sign up for lessons. I need to revise my resume and update everything and apply to the job I have open in a tab. I need to start job hunting. I need to start some sort of financial planning so I can move out or like start that process. (No one has asked me to, but I miss living on my own)

I need to figure out how to find a local array of doctors because I’ve lived here now for 2ish years and with my insurance is being a pain I haven’t been able to figure out or find a basic primary care doctor, eye doctor, dentist ect and get overwhelmed every time I try because the system is a mess.

I need to reach out and respond to friends who I haven’t talked to since before my dad got sick. I need to read the books on grief my aunt gave me and dig around in the EAP while I still have access to it to look at their grief files.

I accidentally invited myself to a wedding and I need to see when that is and talk to the bride and either determine that I’m not going or make plans to go.

(Leaning towards not going because I just don’t have the energy but I owe a gift, and feel awful.)

I need to figure out a routine that gets me moving and out of the house, yet I’m so overwhelmed with everything on my to do list that are like indoor in front of computer things that I just don’t. One of my friends I think started rollerblading so I kind of want to reach out and see if she wants to meet up and try doing that together. I’ve asked my aunt to do archery and kayaking with me but there’s been no movement on either front yet.

I need to read the ten chapters for book club on Friday.

So essentially I want to sleep and do nothing because this list is overwhelming and maybe play the video games I haven’t.

Dream trip:

I have many. I’ve been wanting to do a cruise. When I was little we did Disney cruises with my grandparents and I’d kind of hoped to do one after getting back but *gestures vaguely*. I want it to be one that goes to other countries, so like the one that does Europe and just knock a whole bunch of “famous sites” off my list in one fell swoop. But I’m not going any time soon.

I want to go to House on the Rock and do a road trip with friends. I want to do a trip of the west coast and east coast. I want to see the parks. I want to go to Hawaii and Alaska. I want to visit my friend in Peru, and visit another friend in Canada. I want to make up the trip to New Zealand that I had to cancel. I want to do another trip with my aunt and uncle (not the speedy ones my last trip was with) and one with my cousins, I want to go somewhere with my sisters. I want to see my friends.

Tagging if you want to:

(I apologize if you’ve already been tagged)

@hatethatoneguy @zerrah @kellmeo

[panlight]

Your point about Meyer wanting the car chase reminded me of what you(?) said about her working backwards. She wants these SPECIFIC moments and so has to justify them. Meyer had to have the Cullens in Forks because that was her vision, so she worked backwards to justify their presence. Or how Nessie is no doubt fertile so Meyer worked backwards with her wonky science to justify why Jacob/Nessie are able to procreate. I guess that's a way to write stories, but that just makes so many plotholes.

Yes, or like how she envisioned them as a family and in high school and so she wrote this convoluted explanation of why they live this way, instead of being like “okay, I have a group of vampires roughly the same age [17-26], what is the most logical way for them to present themselves in public?” because starting from there, “foster siblings who are all dating each other in high school with adoptive parents barely visually older than them” would . . . probably not be the answer. 

Or New Moon! I’m willing to bet cash money she wanted this Romeo and Juliet miscommunication and dramatic moment in Volterra with the sun at high noon on the Volturi’s big public holiday but then you think . . . is that really the best way for Edward to try and destroy himself, logically speaking? He’s putting his whole family at risk going to the Volturi, since both he and Aro are mind readers, so Aro’s going to get WAY MORE info reading Edward’s mind that he would anyone else. It’s a lot of travel time to get to Italy, too, and he was seriously considering murdering people to get the Volturi’s attention and incur their wrath and didn’t because he didn’t want to disappoint Carlisle. (AND WHY DID ALICE NOT TELL ANYONE BELLA WAS ALIVE FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS?!). And the miscommunication necessitates Edward-pretending-to-be-Carlisle on the phone and Jacob answering the phone at Bella’s house which is in itself quite strange. Not to mention killing off poor Harry Clearwater so there can be a reference to a funeral that Edward can mistake to be Bella’s and then like . . . never really dealing with the loss of Harry at all until pairing Charlie off with newly single Sue. She writes how antagonistic the pack is to Leah and it’s like, her dad literally just died! But it never seems to be a factor. 

And just . . . Renesmee. Literally everything about Renesmee. She obviously had this idea that E/B should have a child and stretched her own canon to the breaking point to make it happen. And it makes no sense that the housekeeper on Isle Esme just so happens to know exactly what’s going on but Carlisle Cullen, curious vampire doctor with a wife and daughter who long for children, never looked into any vampire procreation myths. I would get that he (and Esme, and Rosalie and Emmett) looked into them and just decided they were myth, but everyone just being all “I’ve never heard of this before!” and then finding info when they google (or bing. . .) it is just . . . what. 

And the wild thing about Midnight Sun, which other people have already said, is that she seems to double down and try to explain all the strange choices she makes and often just . . . makes them worse? The tear moment was weird in Twilight, it’s even more bizarre in MS. The Cullens coming back never made sense (partly because originally she wrote it with them there and the wolves didn’t exist and then added the wolves later) and she tries to make it better by having them politely inform Billy they’re coming but it just makes it worse. She goes out of her way to explain why the nomads didn’t hear Bella’s heartbeat by having Jasper manifest a brand new aspect of his gift that even Edward didn’t know about (and is never mentioned in the original books or the guide), and also Edward tapping his foot to cover the sound.

[purplesurveys]

1047

What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? I can think of a few things. There’s 9/11 though I was barely conscious then, Osama Bin Laden’s death, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, 2011 Japan earthquake, and the H1N1 and Covid pandemics. In my country, there were typhoons Ondoy and Yolanda, the Manila hostage crisis, and the Hello Garci election corruption scandal. Out of these, though, I’d say the heaviest ones to bear have been 9/11 and Covid.

What happens in your country regularly that people in most countries would find strange or bizarre?

We use a spoon and fork to eat and only really fancy shmancy restaurants give you a knife and a fork. Many eat with their hands as well, though this is way more common in provinces.

Everyone is late to everything and punctuality isn’t a thing, which is a big culture pet peeve of mine and I still like arriving early/on time anywhere.

This applies to Asia in general lmao, but shoes typically aren’t allowed or at least frowned upon if they go beyond the main entrance of houses.

We start Christmas as early as September, and we end it by the last week of January

When families get together, aunts/uncles will usually greet their nieces/nephews by asking if they already have a boy/girlfriend and/or telling them that they got fat. Horror relatives will greet you with both.

People generally like to keep to themselves, so striking a friendly conversation with strangers even if you have the pure, genuine intention to be simply friendly will just lead them to think you’re being a creep lol

What has been blown way out of proportion? The effects of video games and the question of it increasing violence among kids. Sure there’ve been gruesome accounts and no one’s invalidating those, but the overwhelmingly vast amount of people who play video games end up okay. I had so many killing binges on GTA but to this day I can’t even look at a real gun without shuddering, lol. When was a time you acted nonchalant but were going crazy inside? This is me every morning at work. 9 AM-11 AM is always the busiest period and it’s a lot of shit happening at the same time and a lot of morning deadlines to meet, but unlike college I can’t exactly call for a timeout whenever I want and have panic attacks anymore.

What’s about to get much better? I hope my fucking life is next in line. I’m tired of being tired of being tired.

What are some clever examples of misdirection you’ve seen? Probably all the times WWE would mislead viewers on a rumored return or debut of a big name by saying they’re in another city, implying that there’s no way they’d be appearing on a WWE show. This happened with Ronda Rousey and it was so fucking exciting when she finally showed up, haha.

What’s your funniest story involving a car? I don’t know, really...I don’t try to be funny when I’m on the wheel lol. Probably the time I let Angela use my car on campus, and when she needed to make a u-turn she ended up doing an awkward 90º turn and had an SUV nearly crash towards us. She had only driven a handful of times at that point so she was a little clumsy, but neither of us had any idea she’d fuck up a simple u-turn as badly as she ended up doing lmao.

What would be the click-bait titles of some popular movies? I can think of more clickbait posters than titles, but I can’t seem to remember what those films are called right now.

If you built a themed hotel, what would the theme be and what would the rooms look like? Themed hotels generally make me cringe. The most theme-y place we ever stayed at was the lodge in Sagada and it was really just more homey than anything. I’m not into themes when it comes to hotels as I find it a little cheap lol and I’ve always preferred a straightforward experience in the places I stay at for vacations.

What scientific discovery would change the course of humanity overnight if it was discovered? A way to live forever. < This is a good one. Also, maybe a huge asteroid or meteor bound to hit the planet that will make widespread extinction a certainty? I can’t even begin to imagine the panic that will rise from something like that.

Do you think that humans will ever be able to live together in harmony? I doubt it. It sounds difficult especially when you realize we’re 7 billion in total.

What would your perfect bar look like? As long as there aren’t any annoying younger college kids, who are almost always the loudest crowd and not in a good way, I’m okay with any kind of bar.

What’s the scariest non-horror movie? Some shots in 2001: A Space Odyssey are freaky as fuck. There were several scenes that included sudden HAL shots, and I did not enjoy those. How the fuck Kubrick managed to make a computer scary is beyond me. I’ve also always skipped the vortex scene with the creepy face shots after seeing it once.

What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? This is a really vague question... a few months ago I watched this video diary of parents who had a child born at like 25 weeks. Just way too early, basically. And they recorded the kid’s weekly progress, how she kept fighting, and her journey of being transported from one machine to another while she still needed them. It was beautiful to see her get bigger and plumper with each week that passed and it was just such a feel-good story to watch. I was so relieved when they showed footage of her as a normal, healthy toddler by the end of the clip.

What’s the grossest food that you just can’t get enough of? I know balut is pretty unpopular in the Western part of the world, but I’ll gladly eat a dozen of them in one sitting. In general Asian street food is usually considered gross - pig intestines, chicken intestines, chicken feet, pig ears, etc., but all are normal in the culture I was raised in.

What brand are you most loyal to? It’s annoying and I can’t help it, but Apple.

What’s the most awkward thing that happens to you on a regular basis? I try not to make it regular, but sometimes a mistake on my end will slip through in an email I’m sending and I have to send another email correcting myself and apologizing for the oversight. One of my least favorite parts about work.

If you had to disappear and start a whole new life, what would you want your new life to look like? I’m not wishing for much. I just wish it was easier to remove any trace of me on social media sites and have it be as if I never existed because I think that would make it easier for me to move on from...well, you know what. I still have trouble verbalizing it and I don’t feel like mentioning it tonight.

But idk, I like staying connected to my family and friends, so idk if I can ever achieve that. And that said, I think I’m bound to always keep seeing her around.

What movie or book do you know the most quotes from? I memorize a pathetic amount of dialogue from Love Actually, Twilight, Titanic, and The Proposal.  What was one of the most interesting concerts you’ve been to? I guess Coldplay? They gave assigned lightsticks for each section and the crowd looked amazing when the production crew activated the lights for certain songs. I still have some of the clips because I posted them on Snapchat, so I’m really glad I did that; otherwise I would’ve lost the videos forever.

Where are you not welcome anymore? I’ve felt pretty unwelcome around her. How she could do a 180 and just not be interested in having anything to do with me is really soul-crushing.

What do you think could be done to improve the media? Fact fucking check, please. Also keeping sources balanced, avoiding clickbait headlines, being more objective than neutral, and don’t fucking sensationalize. How timely that this landed on a journalism graduate, hahaha.

What’s the most recent show you’ve binge watched? Start Up but I haven’t continued in the last two weeks :/ I think it’s because I know I’m nearing the finale and I subconsciously just don’t want to run out of Start Up episodes to watch lol but yeah, I still have four episodes left and I have no clue when I’ll watch it again.

What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Being close with their mom and considering them as their rock.

What are some misconceptions about your hobby? I don’t know enough about embroidery to know misconceptions about it.

What did you Google last? 2001: A Space Odyssey because I needed to be sure of the scenes I planned on citing in the question above that made me mention the movie.

What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Not being able to find a restaurant to eat at. The backstory is a little complicated but it’s the same fight that led my younger brother to slap me across the face, and what subsequently led me to stop speaking to him.

If money and practicality weren’t a problem, what would be the most interesting way to get around town? Probably a tank.

What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? It’s always the ones on Wikipedia lol. I find weird and interesting articles on there all the time; there’s always something new to read.

What odd smell do you really enjoy? The rain, though sometimes it can be too overpowering when the humidity has been high. I like it for the most part, though.

What fashion trend makes you cringe or laugh every time you see it? Streetwear is so fucking dull to me. I never saw the appeal.

What’s your best story of you or someone else trying to be sneaky and failing miserably? Hahahaha this happened just a few weeks ago actually. My parents and I were headed out to have some ramen, and I opened the car door to hop onto the backseat. They didn’t prepare beforehand and they left the Christmas gift I asked for - a corkboard - in the backseat, so I was able to see the whole thing, unwrapped and with price tag and all. Their mortified faces knowing that their secret’s been blown were hilarious. They had no choice but to just give it up, and the corkboard has been on my wall since.

If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? I guess the stability of our relationship, their general mood for the day, and erm how badly they need a hug because I’m always willing to give some.

What’s the best way you or someone you know has gotten out of a ticket / trouble with the law? My mom fake-cries her way out and it’s always been hilarious to see a grown ass woman do it and pull it off every time.

Tear gas makes people cry and laughing gas makes people giggle, what other kinds of gases do you wish existed? I don’t really want to manipulate people’s action in this way, so pass.

[tricktster]

Disclaimer: For new followers who only know me from my recent Great Tumblr Posts, please let it be known that I am not just a fantastic shitposter but also, and I know this ridiculous, the author of the number one Ao3 undertale fic (which is a sans/reader fic) and furthermore, technically, a salesman of fine branded apparel based upon my own intellectual property that I developed FOR the number one Ao3 undertale fic (which is a sans/reader fic)

okay. 

Author Interview

tagged by @kastlecastles

name: tricktster on tumblr, totalskeltetontrash on ao3

fandoms: I gotta tell you, for the author of the #1 Undertale fanfiction of all time [by certain metrics], I’m not great at being a participatory part of any fandom. 

where you post: ao3 and tumblr

most popular oneshot: Probably “In Which Capra Gets Some Bad News,” if by “popular” you mean “people get the most upset with me about it”

most popular multi-chapter fic; favorite story you’ve written; fic you were nervous to post: Since I have taken an utterly bizarre route of basically only writing one fic consisting of two books (and quite a few spinoff one-shots), the answer for all of these has to be Chill or Be Chilled. In particular book 2 of CoBC. 

how you choose your titles: 

I chose Chill or Be Chilled basically on account of laziness, because I had a really antagonistic mentality towards writing a fanfic at the beginning of creating what would end up being a 2 book, 176 chapter, 480,000 word work. It was a super low effort thought process, along the lines of “hahahha wtf dude i’m actually writing an undertale fanfic for some reason and these idiots are gonna have to read it, okay, what’s a line from undertale that I can make a halfhearted attempt to reference, kill or be killed, ok, got it, publish.” Joke’s on me, though, that’s a STUPID name that we all have to live with now. 

I spent a lot more time on chapter titles, because I could actually accomplish something with those. I wanted to establish a chapter titling convention from the beginning, and I’ve always been fond of old fashioned chapter title stylings (I.e. “in which” or “wherein”) combined with either “something that happened in the chapter that is not actually important” or “an actual lie about what happens in the chapter.” What I liked so much about that method, in particular, is the dramatic effect that straying from the convention could cause. I mean, look at these:

When I published 146, which is a weird and spooky chapter (and a definite break from a lot of the other stylistic conventions that are well established in CoBC by chapter 146), I wanted readers to feel on-edge/wondering if this was the beginning of the endgame/searching for hints or double-meanings throughout the chapter. I just checked out the comments on that chapter and screengrabbed a handful of the reactions, which are all kind of along the same lines:

As a rule, end of book/endgame chapters also got titles that were outside the normal conventions. Book 2 was fun, because there’s a miniboss and a larger boss, and I didn’t want to tip anyone off as I was publishing the miniboss chapters that a bigger fight was coming. So for BBEG1, I used thematically appropriate font names as titles, which were genuinely fun to try to find. BBEG2 represented the actual end of a lot of work and a story I’d really grown to care about, so I played it straight and used titles from the undertale OST. 

do you outline: I started out refusing to outline, because that would mean that I actually cared about what I was writing, and if I cared, that meant I couldn’t stay ironically detached from the whole thing. 

But then I gave up on being cool and instead I decided to write a time travel plot that required me to set some things up 70+ chapters before I’d write the chapter that would reveal their significance ... so yeah, I broke down and finally outlined.

 I think an outline is generally a pretty good idea, with the caveat that it’s fine to keep it as bare bones as possible. You can always add to it, but I find that the more I focus on making sure my outline is immaculate, the less I’m able to pivot on the fly when I stumble upon a smarter or more fun way to introduce a plot point.

complete: CoBC is complete, but it’s marked incomplete because, you know, bonus chapters

in progress: There’s a bonus chapter for CoBC that’s half-drafted in a Google doc somewhere. I haven’t touched it in a while, but when it comes out, I think people will be into it, insofar as they like and want to know more about Cody (who is a pretty fun OC, honestly)

coming soon/not yet started: Any part of my original work, High Fantasy, that takes us out of Farhold, and into the greater world at large. Farhold is finally starting to feel fleshed out in my own mind, so bringing an entire continent to life around it is DAUNTING

do you accept prompts: Uhhhhh you can certainly try I guess

upcoming story you are most excited to write: High Fantasy is so fun to write, and I love imagining that distant date where it’ll be finished

tagging (no pressure!): @mod2amaryllis, @kaytemchugh, @wrexie, @thaylepo, @dismyblog. @misssugarpinkshome, @trucbiduleschouettes

[vroenis]

When The Best You Can Do Is Shoot A Gun

The Animal Crossing / Doom Eternal Covid19 launch coincidentally seems to be related to this discussion, even tho I’d say Doom Eternal has an excellent combat system and isn’t really relevant to what I’m going to bring up. I don’t have a problem with shooty-shooty, I have purchased, played and will continue to purchase and play plenty of video games that engage with firearm violence. There are plenty of discussions about how intelligent, consenting adults can do this without any problems and I won’t retread them here. Doom is simple game themed vaguely around demons; demons bad, player protagonist good, good player shoot bad demons - OK you got it, apply an incredible movement system into that and enjoy.

What I want to discuss involves of-course that pesky word and idea nuance, which annoys the shit out of more people these days, for its applications and misapplications - fingers-crossed I don’t fuck it up, but first I want to bring up Ubisoft and systems, so now’s as good a place as any for a stolen picture from the internet.

As far as concept art goes, that’s actually very representative of the final product in-game.

Ubisoft appear to have a long-term open-world tech development objective. I believe at some point very soon, these individual objectives will converge into one single middleware product with a mandate to producce retail licenses that combine what each of these individual franchises have been testing and achieving in isolation, those being;

Ghost Recon Wildlands and Breakpoint: 3rd person Load-On-Demand

The Division: 3rd Person Cover and interactivity

Assassin’s Creed: Environmental mapping and interactivity

Starlink: Scaling Load-On-Demand

Far Cry: First Person implementation of various combinations of above

I’ll put it another way;

Ghost Recon: Load everything

The Division: stick to everything

Assassin’s Creed: climb everything

Starlink: scale everything

Far Cry: do it in first person perspective

It looks like all of these games are running in Ubisoft in-house proprietary engines. Ghost Recon and Assassin’s Creed are running in Anvil, developed for the very first Assassin’s game and in which the Prince of Persia 2008 and Forgotten Sands also ran in. Oddly, (Rainbow Six) Seige, Steep (lol) and For Honor are also running in Anvil.

Both Division games and Starlink are running in Snowdrop and this appears to be due to The Division having come from Massive Entertainment. I’ll be honest, from the perspective of a consumer (read: punter) and someone with extremely minimal 3rd-hand development experience, The Division looks far more impressive than both the Ghost Recon and Assasin’s games, and former Massive brand and art director Rodrigo Cortes has said of the engine that it was design to “do things  better not bigger” and I think it shows. Anyway, it was still developed with Ubisoft so as I understand it, they own it. Massive is a Ubisoft subsidiary, their studio based in Sweden.

Far Cry is going to be a little different, being a little older and having its roots slightly before... what shall we call this mess... the cynical age? The microtransaciton age? Anyway. The first game used the CryEngine developed by Crytek. At some point, Ubisoft seemed to develop an offshoot of the engine called Dunia because the CryEngine was licensed and clearly lucrative, I think. I’m not entirely sure, but Dunia does appear to remain in-house and under the auspices of Ubisoft Montreal. Where am I going with all this?

Starlink was “toys to life” a-la Skylanders but way too late, combined with No Man’s Sky-lite, but the game itself other than being overstuffed with Ubisoft copy-and-paste template-quests is an excellent proof of concept.

I do need to say that in general, I don’t have any particular affinity for Ubisoft. So I am yes, absolutely fascinated with something I do think is happening as far as tech goes and now I’m writing about it in this piece, and yes you can tell I’ve played and even enjoyed some of the games they’ve produced and published, but there’s a lot not to like about many of their practices, the least of which is the overbearing sense of cynicism pervasive in many of their games.

I played Far Cry 3 long after it released and got perhaps 20% thru the campaign before giving up entirely. For starters, nothing about how it controlled felt right and I appreciate that’s purely a personal preference. Being a Battlefield player, there’s something about DICE’s sense of locomotion that is perfect to me, even tho it varies from title to title from Bad Company 2 all the way to V most recently. Other things about Far Cry bother me tho - if there’s wildlife around, it always attacks the player, guaranteed. Everything about this game seems to be designed to force the player into engagement, to provide you with materials to collect, craft or sell, but also to run you short of ammunition to either scrounge for more or have to buy it because *surprise* - it prompts you to purchase ammunition for real-world money. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Fuck off. I uninstalled the game immediately. I can deal with ridiculous AI with magical aim and irrational scripting. I can deal with absurd narrative for the sake of reading (and roasting later), but the entire package culminating in purchasing more ammunition was otherworldly, it was truly bizarre. To this day, I don’t understand what world Ubisoft inhabits that this is something that makes sense to anyone in management or marketing, and yet there it is and there are consumers that not only accept it but embrace it. No doubt there are metrics from the mobile industry that support it and dear lord the capitalist apocalypse is upon us.

What will Ubisoft do when they can merge these technologies? They definitely want to and likely already have in-house, they just need the engine to run client-side for the Consumer. You and I and Inside Gaming are all laughing it up at Stadia right now, but we’re at the wrong end of the business. For Ubisoft, they can ignore the faltering at the start, it’s the long-term they focus on. The pittance Google are losing now, even if they end-up shuttering the project will be meaningless if they end-up getting the hardware to work, even if the end-result is the hardware sitting in a box in the consumer’s home in 10 years. Sure, that’s a long loop, but the journey still doesn’t matter, only the eventual ROI.

If this piece hasn’t gotten boring for you yet, it’s about to because you’re probably excited for what Ubisoft will do with this impending technological power and development and I rally am not. What will Ubisoft do with it? Probably just more Assassin’s Creed, except you’ll be able to snap to cover and have a fully mapped country. Probably more The Division, but you’ll have a fully mapped city that you can also climb on the outside of buildings and then enter them without any loading. Probably more Far Cry but with bigger maps and more interactivity and less loading. The next generation of consumer hardware consoles from Microsoft and Sony are upon us and as much as PC enthusiasts hate to admit it, the consumer market is largely gated by the generational hardware stepping of these platforms. That may change after this era depending on how Google, Amazon and indeed Microsoft and Sony go with cloud computing, but for the moment the status-quo will remain as alternative products develop. Bear in mind with Covid19, climate change and the general sustainability and ethical standards of working and living being under growing scrutiny the world over, things are changing more each day, our technology development may change in ways we don’t expect so who even knows what’s in store for the future.

So What Do I Actually Want?

Good question. NB: before you ask, Animal Crossing isn’t my thing. I played it years ago on Gamecube. It’s cute, it’s fine. I’ve no interest in it. I’m writing this note in retrospect because I realise you may say “Just play Animal Crossing or The Sims but hopefully I can illustrate by neither of those games is what I’m after, nor do I just want to build a house in something like No Man’s Sky and fill it with crap. Let’s see if I get there... A few weeks ago I wrote about how the best thing Naughty Dog did with Uncharted 4 was Elena and Nathan’s domestic spaces. I did purchase The Division 2 on the cheap a couple of weeks ago and I’ll be honest, there’s a lot about it that I’m enjoying quite a bit. For a start, visually it’s stunning. The art team have done an excellent job of both filling the world with immense detail, but also making every area of Washington unique and distinct which is a huge feat given the total space covered. Thus far, I’ve spent a whole lot of time just walking around and gathering resources, in part just to sightsee and explore without any particular objective in mind. After a while, I got the impression that the map was a bit flat, but the more you explore, the more you find places where you get verticality, and then doing missions always adds verticality and variety in environmental and art design, it’s a marvel to see.

Apologies to James and Thomas (above) for ripping these images, but I’m glad your names are in frame so you have direct credit - outstanding work. The art in this game is without question its strongest element.

And that’s just the thing - The Division is an interesting game in that what I enjoy most is the sense of walking around exploring, gather resources and helping people. I’m not here on an anti-violence kick - I play Battlefield, I actually don’t mind the shooting in The Division, it’s fine, whatever, I’m not going to justify that. What I’m saying is that it gets boring.

THERE ARE A LOT OF GAMES ABOUT SHOOTING.

Like... a lot. More than enough. There will always be a lot of games about shooting and that’s fine. I think I’ll always play them. Hey, I even play games about shooting *in very specific ways* - it’s not like I don’t care about the shooting, I’m playing The Division with only a bullpup DMR and shotgun combo, plus I’m trying to use my sidearm when traversing the streets as much as possible so don’t at me, I’m in the game.

But we seem to mostly get high detail assets in games with guns because shooty games get all the money. I get it - shooty games get all the sales because we as gamers like to play them - sure, I’m one of them, but I didn’t buy The Division until it was under AUD$30 because gotdam the shooting is so boring and even now yes, it really do be just more boring shooting, just like it’s boring in Uncharted, just like it’s boring in Ghost Recon (my goooooood so boring), just like it is in Destiny, and the umpteenth shooty mcshooty game. I’m getting too old for this.

Uncharted 4 had an opportunity to do something more and it almost did. For many players, it probably achieved enough of what I was after by those two visits to the Fisher and North residences but I wanted so much more of that. I want to see Sully’s house or houses, more of his life. I want to know where Chloe’s life is at. I want to know of their lives and emotional engagements outside of the frankly stupid narrative I have no interest in because it’s clearly stupid and an excuse for running and jumping that other games have since done better. If Uncharted as a whole was a subtext for character, then by the fourth game, the focus should have been the characters that carried the series thru to the end - no disrespect to Tom Baker - not the heretofore unrevealed older brother.

For Years I Didn’t Know “Walking Simulator” Was A Pejorative

I think this is why I replayed and continue to replay Dear Ester so much. I remember laughing my ass off at YouTubers making videos about how it wasn’t a game and that it didn’t have objectives. Yet there were still threads and might still be on reddit or Discord wherever gamers congregate these days - about “virtual tourism” and “just chillin’ in place x because it’s so awesome” etc. It’s fine, each generation will rediscover virtual tourism again and again and we can’t denigrate anyone for doing so, it’s certainly nothing we invented given it comes from literature and oral tradition before that, but it’s remarkable that there’s this resistance to experiences crafted purely for the purposes of being immersed in them.

I adore Dear Ester and Everybody’s Gone To The Rapture. Absolutely loved What Remains Of Edith Finch and only if you have already played Edith Finch, because it’s full of spoilers but also its own spoiler warnings, I heartily recommend Joseph Anderson’s outstanding video The Villain of Edith Finch. It’s a 53 minute watch so I won’t embed it, and he has a certain style of presentation that won’t gel with everyone, nor do I always agree with everything he says which should go without saying but at some point folks, you have to stop pursuing art, criticism and media that just wholly aligns with your own views. That said, I generally do find most of what he says agreeable, innit. Anyway he’s great and the video is great.

While Dear Esther is more surreal and Rapture and Edith Finch are in part slightly more fantastical than the real-life settings of Uncharted 4′s home and Division’s post-apocalyptic cities, they all visually represent dense, very human object-rich spaces that to me are quite interesting to explore. Dear Esther might be a little more rooted in nature but its human elements tie-in to its narrative in an extremely interesting way. Each game offers different levels of interaction, some that serve the narrative directly, some as subtexts and others quite mildly in the periphery.

I��m sorry if I’m repeating myself but I remember seeing a promo for Battlefield Hardline coming off the back of Battlefield 4 and the ridiculous marketing phrase “levolution” - the term they coined for large-scale environmental destruction (please take the keys away from the marketing department). I remember seeing video footage of a large construction crane falling in a level and thinking

“All this intelligence, all this tech, and this is what we do with it? Is this all we can achieve? This is it?”

That’s how I feel about this emerging technology. Somewhere out there (on YouTube, to be fair), there’s all this footage buried of the Beyond Good And Evil sequel that to everyone’s knowledge is still in development. I’d put my money on that being the first project built in Ubisoft’s convergence engine that they hope successfully implements everything that each of these games executes individually. I know the BG&E fans are frothing for it and when I saw those early demos, what I interpret of the tech did blow me away, but from an experience perspective, I did still think the same thing...

“Is this it?”

Because of-course, a huge part of the new game is going to be combat. I just - don’t - care. When I think about what was lacking in Uncharted 4, what I wanted more of, it was intimacy. What didn’t I like about the conversation and resolution between Elena and Nathan? About the tours of their homes, the little time spent playing as Cassie, the few insights into Sully as a character, the absence of Chloe who was such a great contrast to Nathan, Elena and Sully all-together... it was intimacy. Yea oroight, so I don’t exactly mean the type of real-life intimacy between lovers, do I - that much is clear. But if I don’t mean shooty because there’s enough of that, and I’m leaning into domestic detail and emotional exploration and reflections of that in objects, spaces and interactivity, then that’s what I mean.

Tho I’m loath to bring it up, I feel like in the worst possible way, David Cage is right on the periphery of this discussion (and for that reason, I ain’t tagging him or his games in this entry, get fucked). He has the most vague notion of trying to ground his games in the intimacy of human experience, so he tries to tie human locomotion and objects to the digital representations of interactivity. If we take those as perhaps the worst possible examples and then come back to some really good examples in Uncharted 4 so I can stop whipping it - I maintain that the house tours are strengths and the high-points of the game, and then look at something like The Division and consider opportunities for more complex interactivity centred around helping people and emotional engagement, I feel like that’s what I’m after.

Which is impossible, right? No-one’s going to make a game even a quarter of the scope of The Division, with all that amazing dynamic lighting, with all those awesome textures and mapped objects, animations, rigged character models, complex scripting and AI, interactivity, load-on-demand tech and full voice-talented support, just to be a game about exploring, sightseeing, meeting and learning about people and helping them? Because who would play that?

I would, for a start.

[btsybrkr]

Please Come Dine With Me

In today’s world of Netflix originals, glossy reality series and big budget drama, it’s easy to forget about TV’s old reliables. You know, the programmes with nothing to say, but so much to give. They’re the television equivalent of an ex that you can’t help but miss, despite having brought absolutely nothing to each other’s lives. The absolute king of this brand of TV can only be Come Dine With Me, the dinner party contest that began broadcasting in 1892 and has been playing simultaneously, on all 26 branches of Channel 4, at every hour of every day ever since. Seriously, flick through the channels, I can almost guarantee it’s on right now.

Come Dine With Me, now in its 37th series (I’m actually not making that bit up), must unironically be one of the best things to ever air in this country. During a casual viewing, it seems that nothing much happens, but a quick Google search unearths an absolute goldmine of unforgettable moments. Some have already been cemented into pop culture history, destined to be repeated on ‘100 Greatest...’ clip shows until the sun swallows the Earth whole - like the man who decided to sample a sauce he was making by nonchalantly shoving the whole whisk into his mouth, or sore loser Peter Marsh’s ‘you won, Jane’ speech, which is, in my opinion, a hundred times more brutal than anything Ricky Gervais could or would ever come out with whilst presenting an awards ceremony. Others are unfortunately never spoken about, but remain a vivid memory in the consciousness of the lucky viewers who caught them, such as the moment a particularly eccentric contestant, known only as DJ Dom, drafted in indie musician Badly Drawn Boy to help him cook for his ‘Madchester’ themed dinner party, before telling the viewers “All done, just got to go and change me kecks!” and coming back downstairs in the exact same outfit, right down to the bucket hat. Or the iconic Preston week from series 7, in which we were introduced to so-posh-it-hurts Valerie Holliday, whose pronunciation of the word ‘pheasant’ (or fezzaaaunt, as she might say) is superglued to the insides of my brain, where it will stay for the rest of my days. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

I’m sure we’ve all, at some point, had the ‘who would be invited to your dream dinner party?’ conversation with our friends or family, but what we should really be asking each other is “who would be on your dream episode of Come Dine With Me?”. If you think about it, they’re two very different questions, with very different answers. Of course, I’d love the chance to sit and speak with Tom Hanks, Mac Demarco and Phoebe Waller-Bridge over a glass of wine and a really good burger, but do I think it would make entertaining TV? Well, yeah, probably. But not on Come Dine With Me. That’s a horse of a very different colour.

Anyway, here’s what my dream episode of Come Dine With Me might look like. Narrated in your brain by Dave Lamb, probably.

Today, we’re in Blackpool, where our first contestant, 23-year-old chronic timewaster Betsy (that’s me!), is gearing up to host the opening night of the week, and we’re sure it’s going to be an absolute belter. Let’s see what her fellow dinner party guests make of the menu.

“A cheeseboard? As a starter? What’s that about?”, asks living soundbite and reality TV icon, Gemma Collins. She’s unimpressed with the menu, largely on the basis that it pales in comparison to the sort of luxury she’s used to, such as the gourmet camel penis she could have been tucking into on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! In 2014, had she not packed it in after three days. Actually, I think the celebrity version of Come Dine With Me might be the only reality programme that Gemma Collins is yet to appear in. Maybe we should be writing to the powers-that-be at Channel 4 and getting them to sort that out, since I’ll surely be making a strong case for her appearance here. Anyway, who’s next?

Our third contestant is equally disappointed with the offerings. “I don’t fuck with stilton”, states the self-proclaimed second coming of Jesus, Kanye West. Yes, he’s an odd choice for a daytime cookery/popularity contest, especially since I’m almost 100% sure he doesn’t cook for himself under any circumstances, and is probably only popular among people who’ve never had to try and sit through an actual conversation with him, but who cares? Kanye does what Kanye wants. And if Kanye wants to appear on Come Dine With Me, then that’s his business, and he’ll shit in the Yeezys of anybody who disagrees. Or pay someone else to do it for him, obviously. Anyway, onto contestant number four, who can surely only be disappointing after that… can’t they?

Of course not!! Contestant number four is TV’s shouty queen-of-clean Kim Woodburn, who is really excited to get her teeth into some red hot beef. Not the food kind, either. The kind of beef she dished out to Philip Schofield, while he was asking her questions about the beef she dished out in her fondly-remembered ‘chicken-livered bunch’ rant from Celebrity Big Brother. She’ll be glad to know I’m not serving any chicken livers at my dinner party, I’m sure. Not that she’ll be particularly enamoured with my cooking skills overall.

“It all looks terribly common, darling”, she says, as she holds the menu in one Marigold-wearing hand, and a glass of an expensive gin in the other. Suit yourself, then, Kim.

Contestant number five hasn’t bothered to read the menu yet, but that’s because he’s been busy begging the Channel 4 producers on set for another series of Deal Or No Deal now that his hefty I’m A Celebrity paycheck is all but gone. Yes, it’s Noel Edmonds, TV’s favourite bearded arsehole. After Alan Sugar, of course, but I’ve already written a bit about him on here, so there’d be no point in putting him in this one as well. You know, someone I knew a few years back once told me that Noel Edmonds did a guest lecture at his university, in which he offered some lucky students the chance to spend their summer doing a couple of months unpaid work experience on his radio show. Imagine that! Spending day-in-day-out with Noel Edmonds, without even a penny in compensation. I know they say ‘life’s not fair’, but that really would be pushing it. 

Anyway, that’s everyone, and as I anxiously pour boiling water into five chicken and mushroom Pot Noodles, my all-star dinner guests begin to arrive. First at the doorstep is Kim, who I greet with open arms. 

“Wonderful to meet you, luvvie”, she says. The worried glance she gives the camera afterwards tells me otherwise. Perhaps she’s unimpressed by my unshiny door handle. That’s not a euphemism. 

Gemma and Noel arrive soon afterwards, both carrying bottles of champagne that I couldn’t possibly ever afford myself. They’re not to share, of course, they were bought in anticipation that the wine I’m providing wouldn’t be up to standard, which it is, because I’m serving all my courses with a glass of Summer Berries Echo Falls. It’s £5.99 a bottle and gets you absolutely Bankered. 

We mingle in the living room, eagerly anticipating the arrival of my final guest. Just as Gemma, Kim and Noel begin bonding over the trials of being paid many thousands of pounds to sit around and simply exist for the viewing pleasures of mere mortals like myself, Kanye West teleports himself into the room, in a futuristic flash of lightning and to the tune of his 2010 hit Power, blowing a massive hole into the entire left side of my house in the process. It’s true what he says, you know - the man really is a genius.

We take our seats at the dinner table, as soon as the rest of my guests are done with the obligatory search through my knicker drawer (cue a comeback for Kim’s famous How Clean Is Your House? catchphrase, “Oh, you dirty devil!”) that happens on every edition of Come Dine With Me. You know, despite everything else on the programme, that’s the one bit of it that I’ve never really understood. Every single one of the show’s 1,647 episodes includes a bizarre sequence in which the contestants go running around the host’s home, rifling through their personal belongings and mocking them for the cameras. I’m sure the point of it is supposed to be to give the guests a chance to ‘get to know’ the host, but then I’d have thought that spending five nights eating and chatting with them would be a fairly effective way of doing that. Besides, can you imagine catching your guests doing that in real life? I wouldn’t be sitting them down for a meal and rating them for a chance to win £1,000, I’d be throwing them out, maybe even calling the police, depending on what exactly they were doing with the belongings in question. Not that I have time to think about that right now, I’ve got a cheeseboard to prepare!

First topic of conversation is, of course, TV, and as we tuck into our Ritz biscuits and Tesco Value mature cheddar, Noel gives us his opinion.

“My main issue with television these days is that I’m just not on it enough.” A valid viewpoint. We take a moment to collectively long for the days of Noel’s HQ, a drunken nightmare that was somehow harnessed and broadcast to the masses by Sky1, way back in 2008. Noel’s HQ has been mostly lost to time, except for the presence of a video on YouTube entitled ‘Noel Edmonds speaks with passion’, which is well worth a watch if, like me, you enjoy four minute long videos of TV presenters struggling to stifle their own belief that they might just be The Best Person Ever. There’s a great bit in it where he angrily declares to his delighted audience, “I don’t get paid a penny for doing this show”. Noel, I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you for your sacrifice. 

Speaking of The Best Person Ever, Kanye is noticeably quiet. But then, Kanye isn’t here to share his views. Kanye isn’t particularly here to do anything. Kanye is simply here to observe - to greet his subjects, and work out what makes them tick. Kanye can sense our excitement to be sat in his presence, and Kanye enjoys this. It feeds Kanye. Far more than my meager dinner offerings ever could.

I press Gemma for her own opinions on TV, as someone who is literally always on it. Gemma Collins gets where Domestos can’t. It may sound like I’m being flippant, but in all honesty, I love Gemma Collins. I’m not even sure why, I just know I do. She’s famous for the sake of being famous, and she’s bloody good at it. She’s also quite possibly the most quotable public figure since Shakespeare himself. Maybe even more than Shakespeare. Think about it. What inspires you more? “To be or not to be?”, like anyone knows what that actually means, or “Nah, fuck this, I’m out of here. Get that fire exit door. Am off.”, a poetic sentiment, which conveys an emotion we’ve surely all felt at some point in our lives? I know who gets my vote.

Kim misunderstands the question “what do you think of television today?” as “how clean do you think my television is?”, and responds by pulling out a five pack of dusters and a can of Mr Sheen, and getting to work on the flatscreen in the corner of my living room. Oh well, at least all that cleaning will make her hungry in time for the main course. Speaking of which, maybe it’s time I got on with that.

Despite their disappointment with the starters, the main course - Super Noodle sandwiches, with a generous side-helping of curly fries - appears to delight all my guests, except Kim, who mutters under her breath that it all seems very tacky. I won’t let it get me down. It’s my heartfelt belief that anything can be a sandwich filling if you’re brave enough, and my other three guests agree with me. Kanye lets out a satisfied ‘hm’. Excellent. 

We sit down to dessert, and another glass of Echo Falls. The wine is going down surprisingly well, especially with Kim, who has started subtly rolling her eyes at the conversation between myself and Gemma Collins, who are bonding over how much we love Gemma Collins. Kim purses her lips. Her Spidey-senses are tingling. There’s conflict afoot. 

I quiz Noel about an article that I saw in 2015 and have never forgotten. It was featured on The Independent, and was headlined ‘Noel Edmonds says that ‘death doesn’t exist’ and that ‘Electrosmog’ is more deadly than Ebola’. I know that this sounds like something I just came up with, but I regret to tell you that is absolutely something he said. In real life. I’ll give you a minute to take that in.

Noel Edmonds reaffirms this view to me, speaking with the same unnerving passion he did in the YouTube clip I mentioned earlier. I nod politely. I begin to wonder if everyone’s had a little too much Echo Falls, and if I can really handle another four nights with these people. It’s at this moment that, for the first time all night, His Almighty Westness speaks. 

“I really feel what you’re saying right now”, he tells Noel. We wait together for the next part of the statement, but it never comes. Kanye West outstretches his arm to Noel Edmonds. They shake hands. None of us can quite believe it. And for a moment, Noel and Kanye are right. It does feel as though death doesn’t exist. Nothing exists outside of this dinner party. Everything that matters is happening around my dining table at this very second. 

The silence is broken by Kim Woodburn tutting into a wine glass. 

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,” she drawls, rolling her eyes, “What a load of nonsensical tosh.”

“Excuse me?”, asks Noel, still hand-in-hand with Kanye West, an alliance he is clearly eager to keep going for as long as possible, on the off chance that he fancies funding another series of Noel’s House Party, “I don’t see you bringing anything to the table here, Kim.”

She widens her eyes, taking another generous gulp of Echo Falls - and I know exactly what she’s about to bring to the table. A big old fight. 

Gemma Collins throws in her two cents. 

“I think we should all calm down a little bit, d’ya know what I mean? I’m having a lovely meal at a fan’s house, I can’t be arsed with an argument.” Wise words, as always, Gemma. Wise words.

It all kicks off.

“You can be quiet, you talentless, orange foghorn!”, sneers Kim, “You’ve contributed nothing to the conversation this evening, other than talking about yourself.”

Gemma’s eyes seem to cloud over with anger, as her complexion quickly transitions from Dulux shade Tangerine Twist to Cranberry Crunch. She knocks the rest of her wine back. Everything goes quiet again for a moment, as Noel, Kanye and I watch the two TV divas stare at each other. It’s like a scene from an old Western, but with diamonds and veneers.

With a violent roar, she launches herself across the table, grabbing Kim by her fake ponytail. I jump up to hold her back, as Kanye leaps from his seat to hold Kim from Gemma. There’s a mad blur of acrylic nails and tufts of bleach blonde hair flying between them, some of it landing into the banoffee pie I had worked so hard on. Noel stands back, arms folded, watching the action in dismay. If you could see the whole picture, it might resemble a renaissance painting, the sort that could be hung in a gallery anywhere in the world and analysed for it’s artistic importance. ‘Nous aimons le boeuf’, it might be called. French for ‘we love the beef’. Doesn’t really matter it means, though, to be fair, as long as it sounds clever and artsy.

Noel shakes his head. 

“What the hell am I doing here?”, he asks, frustrated, “I’m a huge TV star.”

Security eventually intervene, somewhat reluctantly, given the fact this is the most action they’ve seen on a shoot for Come Dine With Me, possibly ever. Producers watch back the footage of the fight on an iPad, sat on my sofa, attempting to mask their delight at what they’d caught on camera.

Kanye eventually stands up, soberly taking in the scene in front of him. Is this how Jay-Z felt as he left the elavator?, he wonders.

“I’m gonna take off”, he informs everyone, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room in the aftermath. But before he can teleport out of the room again, possibly blowing a hole in the other side of my house, the producer speaks up.

“Same time tomorrow? It’s Gemma’s night.”

Four more nights of this… four more nights, all for the chance to win £1,000… is it worth it? 

Of course it is. It was a blast. Same time tomorrow, indeed.

To see some highlights from the iconic Preston week of Come Dine With Me, click here. To see Noel Edmonds speak with passion, click here. To follow me on twitter, click here, or here for instagram :)

[theonyxpath]

This week, we continue our trend of unusual Monday Meeting posts. Last week it was because we didn’t have a Monday Meeting, so Rich talked about covers because that’s what you do on Labor Day, I guess? This week we did have a meeting, but Rich isn’t writing the blog.

No, Rich hasn’t decided to start talking about himself in the third person. Instead it is I, “Fast” Eddy Webb, writing the Monday Meeting blog chat up top while Rich and Lisa rush off to handle a family emergency. Further, Matt McElroy is wrapping things up to take a well-deserved break for a week. So I got nominated because the biggest emergency I have right now is that I got a new tattoo on my forearm last week, and it itches like the Dickens. (It’s a Sherlock Holmes-themed tattoo, which is not a surprise to anyone who knows me.)

M20 Book of the Fallen art by Sam Denmark

This seems like a good time to talk about schedules and delays.

One thing we mention a lot around here is that we don’t do release dates for our games. There are a lot of reasons for that, but the big one is that we’re never sure what can cause a project to get delayed. Sometimes, it’s something out of our control, like when we learned this week that the printer had an accident on one of our covers and has to reprint the entire run.

Other times it’s something that impacts one of us, like Rich’s family emergency or finding out that a freelancer has to drop off a project suddenly. And once in a while it’s because we choose to take a bit longer and do something right, like the meeting we had today with the TC:Aberrant team to go over the playtest feedback we got during the Kickstarter.

Obviously, we do our best to take problems into account. It’s why we have really long lead times on our Kickstarters these days, for example — all of my Realms of Pugmire Kickstarters have delivered their main project on or earlier than the anticipated deadlines, but a couple times it got close because of unforeseen problems like me having to move to another country.

Spilled Blood art by Andrea Payne

When I pitch new projects to Rich, I try to estimate how long each phase is going to be, and then add some more time on to account for problems. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t, but we’re always learning. One of the things we’ve learned is that, in addition to our weekly Monday Meetings, it’s good to have quarterly Production meetings as well (which, by sheer coincidence, we’re also having this month).

This is where Rich, Mike, and Matt sit with us in-house developers and we go over every single project. It gives us a chance to think about all the projects as a whole, allowing us to think about which ones need to hustle and which ones we can ease up on for a bit. Ideally, this kind of planning allows us to do things like hold up on greenlighting new books while existing ones are making their way through the process. But it’s not an exact science for us, as you’ll note this week no less than three Scion books have all hit approval simultaneously, leaving poor Rich and Neall to review hundreds of pages of manuscripts. (Sorry guys!)

M20 Book of the Fallen art by Vince Locke

Obviously, we would love to make perfect, beautiful books for all of you as quickly as possible. But we’d rather make good products instead of fast ones where we can, and we’d rather not grind our freelancers down just to meet an arbitrary deadline. So when things happen that are out of our control, we try to help each other out where we can, and put things on the back burner if something more urgent happens.

That’s why I’m writing the blog for Rich today, and why Matt McElroy, our tireless Operations Manager, is taking a well-deserved vacation this week. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you to our usual wonderful updates while I find new ways to ignore the fact that my arm really, really itches. Also:

Many Worlds, One Path!

BLURBS!

Kickstarter!

Starting this week – I’m told on Thursday the 12th at 12noon Eastern US time – is the Kickstarter for the Creature Collection for Scarred Lands 5e! This book was designed with amazing art by our friends at Handiwork Games, and they’ll be running the Kickstarter for us on our brand-new Onyx Path Kickstarter page! Here’s a teaser video:

Scarred Lands Creature Collection

Launching this week on Kickstarter! The Scarred Lands Creature Collection for 5th Edition!

Posted by Handiwork Games on Monday, September 9, 2019

And, of course, our next Kickstarter is:

Keep an eye out in this space as well as on our social media for the Deviant: The Renegades Kickstarter that will be launching later this month!

Onyx Path Media!

This Friday’s Onyx Pathcast features the Terrific Trio regaling us with stories and ideas of going to conventions solo (since all three of them have actually done that recently)! Go to https://onyxpathcast.podbean.com/ or to your favorite podcast venue!

The Onyx Path News had another live broadcast today, where Matthew spoke about Night Horrors: Shunned by the Moon, Canis Minor, the Slarecian Vault, the Storypath Nexus, all our games on Backerkit, V5 Cults of the Blood Gods, and more, right here: https://youtu.be/mehFIKpd3ts

Now’s the time to follow our Twitch channel if you haven’t already done so! Our schedule is jam-packed with games including Vampire, Scarred Lands, TC: Aberrant, Pugmire, Scion, Mage: The Awakening, and Hunter: The Vigil! Visit www.twitch.tv/theonyxpath and give us a follow, and if you have an Amazon Prime membership and haven’t already subscribed to a Twitch channel for free using it, just type Amazon Prime Twitch into Google and please use it on our channel!

Remember, if you miss any content on our Twitch channel, some of it finds its way to our YouTube channel here: www.youtube.com/user/theonyxpath Don’t forget though, that some of that content is Twitch exclusive or belongs to the Storytellers running their games, so don’t miss out and remember to follow us!

Red Moon Roleplaying have commenced with uploading their actual play of The Sacrifice, from V5 Chicago by Night, and the first part can be found here: https://youtu.be/omRiK6a_Ans If you’re interested in the ENnie award winning Red Moon Roleplaying‘s other shows, please check them out on www.redmoonroleplaying.com

The Botch Pit are definitely worth checking out if you’re interested in Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2E, with their chronicle “Twice Shy” listenable right here: http://thebotchpit.com/

Occultists Anonymous appears on our Twitch channel with their Mage: The Awakening 2E chronicle, but if you’re after a breakdown of episodes, here’s 41 and 42:

Episode 41: A Troupe and Trip Wyrd the Seer continues the construction of her nascent Labyrinth and uses it to develop the run-down Leaf Theater. The cabal travels to Philadelphia in pursuit of the missing Adamantine Arrow grimoire.https://youtu.be/eH3Kvockqv8

Episode 42: Stake Me Out Tonight The cabal works with the largest cabal in Philadelphia, the Founding Fathers led by Benjamin Franklin, to locate the grimoire within Philly and recon the area!https://youtu.be/2HXN4l_3C1E

Caffeinated Conquests continue their bizarre sojourn into The Sacrifice (unlike any other actual play of the chronicle) over here on their YouTube channel: https://youtu.be/MOZpIOFzjos

Finally, Matthew asked the YouTube channel viewers what kinds of games from Onyx Path they’re most looking forward to, and there have been some interesting answers: https://youtu.be/CumFV-XiWMc

Drop Matthew a message via the contact button on matthewdawkins.com if you have actual plays, reviews, or game overviews you want us to profile on the blog!

Please check any of these out and let us know if you find or produce any actual plays of our games!

Electronic Gaming!

As we find ways to enable our community to more easily play our games, the Onyx Dice Rolling App is live! Our dev team has been doing updates since we launched based on the excellent use-case comments by our community, and this thing is awesome! (Seriously, you need to roll 100 dice for Exalted? This app has you covered.)

On Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

You can now read our fiction from the comfort and convenience of your Kindle (from Amazon) and Nook (from Barnes & Noble).

If you enjoy these or any other of our books, please help us by writing reviews on the site of the sales venue from which you bought it. Reviews really, really help us get folks interested in our amazing fiction!

Our selection includes these fiction books:

Our Sales Partners!

We’re working with Studio2 to get Pugmire and Monarchies of Mau out into stores, as well as to individuals through their online store. You can pick up the traditionally printed main book, the screen, and the official Pugmire dice through our friends there! https://studio2publishing.com/search?q=pugmire

We’ve added Prince’s Gambit to our Studio2 catalog: https://studio2publishing.com/products/prince-s-gambit-card-game

Now, we’ve added Changeling: The Lost 2nd Edition products to Studio2‘s store! See them here: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/all-products/changeling-the-lost

Scarred Lands (Pathfinder) books are also on sale at Studio2, and they have the 5e version, supplements, and dice as well!: https://studio2publishing.com/collections/scarred-lands

Scion 2e books and other products are available now at Studio2: https://studio2publishing.com/blogs/new-releases/scion-second-edition-book-one-origin-now-available-at-your-local-retailer-or-online

Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Try this link! http://www.indiepressrevolution.com/xcart/Onyx-Path-Publishing/

And you can order Pugmire, Monarchies of Mau, Cavaliers of Mars, and Changeling: The Lost 2e at the same link! And NOW Scion Origin and Scion Hero are available to order!

As always, you can find most of Onyx Path’s titles at DriveThruRPG.com!

On Sale This Week!

This Wednesday, the compiled Trinity Continuum: Aberrant webcomic You Are Not Alone will be available in PDF and physical book PoD versions on DTRPG!

Conventions!

Save Against Fear: October 12th – 14th GameHoleCon: October 31st – November 3rd PAX Unplugged: December 6th – 8th 2020: Midwinter: January 9th – 12th

And now, the new project status updates!

DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM EDDY WEBB (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

M20 Victorian Mage (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Exalted Essay Collection (Exalted)

Dragon-Blooded Novella #2 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Exigents (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Many-Faced Strangers – Lunars Companion (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Contagion Chronicle: Global Outbreaks (Chronicles of Darkness)

Player’s Guide to the Contagion Chronicle (Chronicles of Darkness)

Contagion Chronicle Jumpstart (Chronicles of Darkness)

N!ternational Wrestling Entertainment (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Creating in the Realms of Pugmire (Realms of Pugmire)

Redlines

Tales of Aquatic Terror (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Kith and Kin (Changeling: The Lost 2e)

Crucible of Legends (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Lunars Novella (Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Yugman’s Guide to Ghelspad (Scarred Lands)

Vigil Watch (Scarred Lands)

Pirates of Pugmire KS-Added Adventure (Realms of Pugmire)

Second Draft

Tales of Good Dogs – Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Dragon-Blooded Novella #1 (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Across the Eight Directions (Exalted 3rd Edition)

One Foot in the Grave Jumpstart (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2e)

Scion: Demigod (Scion 2nd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum Core)

Terra Firma (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Monsters of the Deep (They Came From Beneath the Sea!)

Wraith20 Fiction Anthology (Wraith: The Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition)

Development

M20 The Technocracy Reloaded (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

Creatures of the World Bestiary (Scion 2nd Edition)

Heirs to the Shogunate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

TC: Aeon Jumpstart (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition core rulebook (Mummy: The Curse 2nd Edition)

Masks of the Mythos (Scion 2nd Edition)

TC: Aberrant Reference Screen (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

Titanomachy (Scion 2nd Edition)

Manuscript Approval

Creatures of the World Bestiary (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Dragon (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion Companion: Mysteries of the World (Scion 2nd Edition)

Legendlore core book (Legendlore)

Post-Approval Development

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant (Trinity Continuum: Aberrant)

V5 Chicago Screen (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Deviant: The Renegades (Deviant: The Renegades)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

Scion LARP Rules (Scion)

Cults of the Blood Gods (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Editing

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

Lunars: Fangs at the Gate (Exalted 3rd Edition)

TC: Aeon Ready-Made Characters (Trinity Continuum: Aeon)

Hunter: The Vigil 2e core (Hunter: The Vigil 2nd Edition)

City of the Towered Tombs (Cavaliers of Mars)

Let the Streets Run Red (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

W20 Shattered Dreams Gift Cards (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

W20 Art Book (Werewolf: The Apocalypse 20th)

Geist 2e Fiction Anthology (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

Oak, Ash, and Thorn: Changeling: The Lost 2nd Companion (Changeling: The Lost 2nd)

Post-Editing Development

Chicago Folio/Dossier (Vampire: The Masquerade 5th Edition)

Indexing

Geist 2e (Geist: The Sin-Eaters 2nd Edition)

Dystopia Rising: Evolution core (Dystopia Rising: Evolution)

ART DIRECTION FROM MIKE CHANEY!

In Art Direction

Contagion Chronicle – getting Gaydos, Trabbold, and Vince on this.

Trinity Continuum: Aberrant

Hunter: The Vigil 2e – Sam on the fulls.

Ex3 Lunars – Contracted. Sketches rolling in.

TCfBtS!: Heroic Land Dwellers – LeBlanc on this.

Night Horrors: Nameless and Accursed

Ex3 Monthly Stuff

Deviant (KS) – Art in and approved. Putting together KS graphics.

Trinity RMCs – Contracted.

Cults of the Blood God (KS) – Contracted.

Chicago Folio

Mummy 2 (KS) – Characters being worked on, fulls next.

Memento Mori – Notes out this week to artists.

In Layout

They Came from Beneath the Sea!

Dark Eras 2 – Files with Aileen

Trinity Continuum Aeon: Distant Worlds

VtR Spilled Blood – With Josh.

DR:E Threat Guide – Helnau’s Guide to Wasteland Beasties

Aeon Aexpansion – Need to do cover.

Proofing

C20 Cup of Dreams

Signs of Sorcery – Inputting changes.

M20 Book of the Fallen – With Satyr Phil for proofing.

DR:E Jumpstart – Sending Eschaton for proofing.

CoM – Witch Queen of the Shadowed Citadel – Inputting Rose’s comments.

At Press

Trinity Core Screen – At Studio2.

TC Aeon Screen – At Studio2.

Trinity: In Media Res – PoD proofs coming.

Trinity Core – Printing. PoD proofs ordered.

Trinity Aeon – Printing. PoD proofs ordered.

V5: Chicago – Prepping files for press.

You Are Not Alone (TC: Aberrant Comic) – PDF and PoD physical book versions available this Wed. at DTRPG!

Today’s Reason to Celebrate!

Not today, because today has not been such that I feel celebrating is appropriate, but tomorrow. Tomorrow we start a whole series of palindrome dates! 9/10/19 – 9/19/19! Dunno why, but those dates like that make me grin!

[thetravellingvagrant]

Day 2: London-Lima - In Which I Eat Chicken, Steamed Vegetables and Airline Seat

We were awake early again, today. Thanks in part to having gone to bed at like 10:30 the previous night, but also Sam's zeal for being far, far too early for things, we found ourselves awake, packed and ready to leave far, far earlier than we needed to be in any reasonable sense.

After a brief, though lively, discourse on whether or not we should spend extra human money to check our bags in to the hold (myself landing firmly on the 'nay' side, having literally never been stopped in an airport for my baggage being too big and Sam...quite vehemently taking up the contrary position because she estimated that her rucksack was a few centimetres over the length that was apparently allowed despite not even measuring), we jumped aboard the airport shuttle, once more, dropping another £8 into the swirling, ravenous vortex into which all of my money seems to have gone in the build up to this trip and soon we were back in Gatwick airport.

We breezed through security with minimal issues, save for my bag flashing up a false positive for contraband (which was especially confusing as all of my contraband was in my anus) and Sam struggling to use the passport scanners for a length of time which, by her insistence, I am not permitted to describe as hilarious.

Soon, though, all that faffery was behind us and I was ready to board my first ever long-haul flight-

To adventure! (Not pictured: Peru)

Or at least I would have been, if it hadn't been delayed by an hour and forty minutes.

...To adventure! (Not pictured: Punctuality)

We whiled away our extra time without too much difficulty by buying a ludicrously expensive airport lunch (£9 for a plate of chips and a smoothie- get fucked, Gatwick) and abusing the restaurant's generosity with regards to letting us stay after having finished our meal to a borderline unreasonable extent before finally, finally actually getting on board our flight. Now, I'm sure that the sharper eyed amongst you may have noticed that at no point in this entry have I mentioned anything about us being made to check our bags into the hold because they were too big, which would definitely have been a weird thing for me to omit, had it happened. Weird, that...

Having now, at the point of writing this post, experienced the entirety of a long-haul flight, I've got to say that apart from being longer, its really not all that different from a short one. It's not really comfier or nicer to any significant degree and you're still most likely going to have some absolutely witless bastard sitting in front of you who, for some ungodly reason, thinks that it is perfectly acceptable plane etiquette to spend the whole duration of a twelve and a half hour flight, continuously reclining and de-reclining their seat, directly into your knees, like the classless animal they so obviously are. The only real differences in fact were the entertainment system and the food they served.

The entertainment system (and I use both the words 'entertainment' and 'system' incredibly loosely) was comprised of a tiny little screen in the back of the seat in front, sporting a resolution which would have made 2007 blush with embarrassment and an assortment of recent-ish films of wildly varying quality for the “enjoyment” and “amusement” of “all”. I'm poo-pooing it, but in fairness I did spend literally the entire  flight watching these movies, wowed by the novelty of it all- despite having better films, which I was more interested in watching, at a better resolution, on my phone- and it did pass the time very effectively. I'm not sure quite what the brainwashing, rapturous effect  the system had over me quite was, but it did make me sit through the entirety of Aquaman without being continually sick or beating my head bloody against my little fold-out table, desperately wishing for either the film or my life to end, so it definitely was quite potent.

The food was about on par with the entertainment, honestly. Quite shit; around the quality of your average mid-range microwavable meal from Tesco, but again, wowed by the novelty of being served essentially a free meal, and myself being essentially a posh tramp and willing to accept any offer, provided it's free, I did quite enjoy it. Even if it was incredibly difficult to eat, with the arsehole in the seat in front reclining themselves directly into my steamed vegetables, over and over and over again.

Finally, though, mid-way through watching Mary Queen of Scots (which I was and still am quite annoyed at having to switch off halfway through) we landed and filed off the plane into Jorge Chavez International airport and straight into a witheringly long and crushingly slow moving passport control line. It took us thirty five minutes to pass and this meant that we were now in danger of missing our connecting bus to Miraflores and having to wait an hour for the next one, which we both agreed, sounded fucking terrible after being on a plane for half a day.

We darted out into the terminal, wading through a veritable sea of opportunistic, aggressive and downright annoying taxi drivers all utterly desperate to definitely rip us off for as much as they could, for sure, and stumbled, pretty much entirely by luck to the bizarrely well concealed stop for the airport express bus, which we did just about manage to catch, if only bt exponentially less than the skin of our teeth.

After a further forty minutes of bussing, we were spat out into the city, with only the weakest of google maps signals to guide us to our Airbnb. Being the brave hero that I am, however, I led us to our correct destination with ease, only ringing the doorbell of a single incorrect house and nearly falling over on Lima's weirdly slippery pavements twice in the process. God I'm good.

We checked into our apartment, which was very much the Asda basic brand of accommodation (shower, toilet, bed, cupboard, single mawkish bit of wall art  reading“follow your dreams, they know the way”) and almost immediately left once again to make, what was supposed to be a quick jaunt to a local supermarket, but actually ended up taking over an hour to complete, thanks, in part, to my being unable to figure out how to lock the door of our apartment and having to be shown by our neighbours- two admittedly quite nice Peruvian metalheads who had been blaring Motley Crue's Kickstart my heart out of their phone on the landing, at the time. By the time we returned home, it was close to 5am, UK time, which I was very much still on and so, after a sad little interlude of eating several fistfuls of lacklustre Peruvian crisps in order to have some food in my system to take my Malaria tablets with

...To adventure I guess. (Not pictured: Joy)

and a very, very welcome shower indeed, we went straight to bed and, honestly, that was my favourite bit of the trip so far.

[callmekittyc]

Chiang Mai Life

Have you ever seen the commercial or ad or whatever that says "Tiny keyboard, Big headache"? Well let me just say that's how i feel about typing these blog posts from my phone. We all know I'm more of a novelist... so that is why I have been slacking. Also I'm on vacation, and this somehow feels a bit like work. So this is for all 14 of my loyal followers, you're welcome. Let me give you an update on things:

1. Holy temples! Chiang Rai is the bees knees!! If you want to see some of the most bizarre, yet detailed oriented, and slightly questionable artwork I highly recommend the White Temple and the Baandam Museum (aka the Black House). Let me break them down for you and ed-u-ma-cate you.

         A. The White Temple: My thoughts, "Do I really want to go to another temple? There's going to be so many tourists... ugh. Guess I'll go." Please excuse my American Millennial slang when I say OMFG! THAT SHIT WAS DOPE AF! Seriously. The amount of time and detail that's put into this is crazy. So this temple got started in 1997 by some master artist that has an odd obsession with all things pop culture and politically questionable. It is a 90 year work in progress! As in, most people reading this will be dead when it's completed. (Sorry for the bluntness) But yea you can see for yourself what I mean by artistically gifted. I only wish they would have allowed me to take pictures of the murals that line the insides of this "sacred place".  Inside you'll not only find a wax figure of Buddha, but hidden gems like Pikachu, Hello Kitty, and even, the attractive Keanu Reeves. If you go to any temple at all, it should be this one because the artwork speaks for itself. I'm slightly disappointed I only paid 2 cents to get in.

         B. The Baandam Museum is truly one of the most extensive collection of animal bones I've ever seen. "Baan" means house, while "dam" translates to black so it literally translates to Black House. This was by far my favorite "museum" I've ever been to. It probably would seem creepy to most, but the artist lines the walls of 43 structures with animal bones, skulls, skins, and the most detailed woodworking I've ever seen. Bones are assembled in an almost ritualistic way. It's beautiful.

2. While the title of this post is "Chiang Mai Life", Chiang Rai is where I had my self- actualization moment. I had some seriously deep thoughts in the mountains of Chiang Rai that really has changed my perspective on quite a few things. I also experienced the most beautiful thing in my life. I'm not kidding. I was speechless for the first time. I think everyone has at least one of those moments in their life where the world quite literally stops for you. All is quiet. And you can't think of anything more beautiful. Maybe it's holding a child you just gave birth to, maybe it's experiencing love for the first time, maybe it's jumping out of a plane.... everyone has a moment and I had one. Watching the sunset at one of the highest peaks while the full moon reflected in the background was breathless. It was my moment. My world stopped.

3. I met this stranger in a coffee shop. An older gentleman i had never seen and will most likely never see again. We had some of the most meaningful conversation and it made me realize several things. Travelers are a whole different people. I'm one of those people. We don't just travel, but we experience. We do things to learn more about the world. We make ourselves uncomfortable and do things others wouldn't normally do. We are wise and infinitely young. We live by doing, not by example. Although travelers are all so different and we each have our own story, we have a commonality in that we are always searching for new knowledge and new experiences. We revel in learning and doing. We love being.

Sorry for the deep thoughts here, but the post is called "Chiang Mai Life"...

4. Going back to Chiang Mai, I decided it's time to start doing. Even if it meant the touristy things, but YOLO and who knows if I'll ever come back to this magical place... so I booked a cooking class, a trekking tour, and a ziplining excursion. I'll break them down for you..

         A. Cooking Class: This was awesome. It was Christmas day for me and I was kind of feeling sad and lonely. Well turns out, I ended up being the only person in that cooking class. I liked it though. The owner was very cool and took me to the local market and explained ingredients to me and showed me how to shop for the best items. We all know I come from a cooking household, but let me just say Thai cooking and ingredients are a brand new experience. Asia has so many fruits, vegetables, and spices I've never even heard of. After the market, I talked to a local about cooking methods, and after using a mortar and pestle for about 30 minutes, I have a new appreciation for pre-made chili paste. I almost boiled my arms because they were noodles at that point. I made 6 items: Cashew Chicken Stir-fry (Gai Pad Med Mamuang), Northern style chicken curry (Khao Soi), Coconut Milk and Chicken Soup (Tom Kah Gai), Spring Rolls, Mango Sticky Rice, and Red Chili paste.

        B. Trekking Tour: Made for beginners or out-of shape people like me, this little tour was perfect. We started at this phenomenal waterfall in the famous Doi Inthanon National Park. Then we trekked about 3km through the jungle to a hill tribe village, belonging to the Karen people. We passed fields of strawberries, rice, chrysanthemums, and coffee plants. We crossed bridges made of bamboo and even caught a glimpse of an electric green python native to Southeast Asia. After we got to the village, we were able to watch how the coffee was roasted, hand ground and brewed. From there, we went to two pagodas honoring the queen and late King. Our tour concluded with a visit to a hill tribe market overflowing with fresh produce and local honey.

        C. Zipling: Please see my Google rating for "Jungle Flight Chiang Mai" for a more detailed description. Ha. Kidding. Although the review is way more kickass than this. Ziplining was awesome yet slightly terrifying. I'm pretty sure I've once before mentioned the safety protocols in Thailand... they're non existant. I'm pretty sure OSHA would have something to say. (Harley maybe you shouldn't visit) But damn I'm glad it was questionable because flying through the mountains was exhilarating. Getting slung around on a zipline roller coaster left me squealing with delight! To the losers that said, "I like more extreme sports." You're missing out!

Sorry if this post was too short but honestly, the experiences have just been so much fun! I don't have any complaints or overly funny stories because I'm living in the moment... Although my instructor for the ziplining course said I need to use my ass more. He's quite right though. Looking at my inflated pancake ass has me longing for a stairmaster and a salad. Damn Northern Thailand and their delicious food... Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year! I promise I've thought about every single one of you.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

191 of 2022

What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime?

9/11, I think.

What happens in your country regularly that people in most countries would find strange or bizarre?

I can’t think of anything that’s happening, but we have over 2000 types of beer. That is weird to others.

What has been blown way out of proportion?

Politics. And this war in Ukraine, I feel for the Ukrainians.

When was a time you acted nonchalant but were going crazy inside?

When that weird dude was harassing me over the PMs on one forum.

What’s about to get much better?

Certainly not the world.

What are some clever examples of misdirection you’ve seen?

Politics again.

What’s your funniest story involving a car?

There’s nothing funny about our car.

What would be the click-bait titles of some popular movies?

I couldn’t care less.

If you built a themed hotel, what would the theme be and what would the rooms look like?

I’m not quick to think about this type of things.

What scientific discovery would change the course of humanity overnight if it was discovered?

A cure for cancer.

Do you think that humans will ever be able to live together in harmony?

Nope. Humans in general are terrifying.

What would your perfect bar look like?

Lots of beer and handsome guys.

What’s the scariest non-horror movie?

Every movie. Just the perspective of staring in the screen for two hours straight terrifies me.

What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard?

One of my friends recovering almost fully from a serious stroke.

What’s the grossest food that you just can’t get enough of?

That soup made of a cow’s stomach. So tasty.

What brand are you most loyal to?

Samsung for phones, Canon for cameras, Bershka for clothes, Royco for instant soups, Fila for shoes, Steel for boots, and I can’t think anymore.

What’s the most awkward thing that happens to you on a regular basis?

Do seizures count?

If you had to disappear and start a whole new life, what would you want your new life to look like?

Epilepsy-free.

What movie or book do you know the most quotes from?

I don’t remember such things.

What was one of the most interesting concerts you’ve been to?

Shuriken II this year, but I don’t go to concerts for an obvious reason.

Where are you not welcome anymore?

I can’t think of any place.

What do you think could be done to improve the media?

Cut off the internet for some people so they stop spamming with their bullshit.

What’s the most recent show you’ve binge watched?

None. Or wait, maybe Shaun the Sheep because it’s so damn hilarious.

What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced?

Sexual attraction.

What are some misconceptions about your hobby?

That I like all the radio. No.

What did you Google last?

Some song lyrics.

What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about?

I don’t even remember what it was, but I remember who it was.

If money and practicality weren’t a problem, what would be the most interesting way to get around town?

Still, I like walking the most.

What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down?

...wut?

What odd smell do you really enjoy?

Cooking cauliflower.

What fashion trend makes you cringe or laugh every time you see it?

Skinny jeans. Oh and all that high end fashion, it’s ridiculous. Other than that, I’m not the one to judge others. Wear whatever you want, it’s a free country.

What’s your best story of you or someone else trying to be sneaky and failing miserably?

Jesus, this is not the best kind of questions for someone who’s almost falling asleep on the chair.

If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show?

First of all, what is HUD? Is that head-up display?

What’s the best way you or someone you know has gotten out of a ticket / trouble with the law?

I can’t think of any.

Tear gas makes people cry and laughing gas makes people giggle, what other kinds of gases do you wish existed?

I don’t have such wishes.

[junker-town]

Super Bowl commercials, ranked

Screenshot: Cheetos

You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, you’ll yawn.

The Super Bowl is here, which means we have the most-watched TV program of the year. With all those viewers comes an exorbitant advertising cost, up to a record $5.6 million for a 30-second ad.

Spending all that money brings with it a ton of eyeballs, and brands try to make it worth it with their most ambitious spots. This year’s Super Bowl commercials run the gamut, from tear-jerkingly sweet to face-punchingly infuriating. Here’s a look at the most memorable — good, bad, and in between.

The home runs, best of the best

Loretta (Google)

Several of the commercials on Super Bowl Sunday have an A-list cast, with our most recognized stars trying to get us to buy something. But sometimes, the most simple approach can be beautiful.

I first saw this commercial as a pre-roll ad before a different YouTube video. It was so beautifully haunting that I couldn’t bring myself to click “skip ad” once the obligatory five seconds lapsed. Each piano key strike was foreboding, but I couldn’t click away from this poor old man, simultaneously attempting to fend off memory loss and trying to remember his dead wife. A valiant fight against the ravages of time but one we are all destined to lose.

Because I use humor — or “humor” if you prefer — to cope while processing actual human emotion, the main thing going through my mind as tears streamed down my face was that Google should have titled this commercial “Get Back Loretta,” but probably didn’t want to pay exorbitant license fees for Beatles music.

The very Good Dog (WeatherTech)

This ad is tearjerking in a different, more uplifting way. This is a commercial for WeatherTech, but not really about their company at all. WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil used his 30-second spot to thank the University of Wisconsin School of Veterinary Medicine for saving his dog Scout, who suffered from cancer of the blood cell walls. The commercial promotes a WeatherTech website for donations to help the school, and if that isn’t uplifting enough just look at this sweet, beautiful dog:

Photo: WeatherTech on YouTube

Groundhog Day (Jeep)

It just feels good to see Phil Connors and Ned Ryerson again, and both look 27 years older. There was no The Irishman-style CGI de-aging here. The added weight of all those years make the dread on Connors’ (Bill Murray’s) face that much more real, when he wakes up at the beginning of the commercial. But his day becomes less hellish once he spots a new Jeep, then proceeds to steal along with Punxsutawney Phil for a joy ride.

This is only the second Super Bowl to fall on February 2, so perfect timing to resurrect the classic film. The other Groundhog Day Super Bowl was in 2014, when a defense with Richard Sherman obliterated one of the most dynamic offenses the NFL has ever seen. Hmmm.

Getting the message across

Katie Sowers (Microsoft)

This is a longer version of an ad that has been running throughout the NFL playoffs, expanded for the Super Bowl — a national introduction to Katie Sowers, the offensive assistant coach for the 49ers, and her road to coaching. Sowers is the first female coach and the first openly gay coach in Super Bowl history.

“People tell me that people aren’t ready to have a woman lead, but these guys have been learning from women their whole lives. Moms, grandmas, teachers. We have all these assumptions about what women do, and what men do,” Sowers says. “I’m not trying to be the best female coach. I’m trying to be the best coach.”

The message is as clear as it is inspirational. Solid work all around.

The Secret Kicker

This features an anonymous placekicker nailing a field goal, but once the helmet comes off to reveal it was Carli Lloyd (joined in the commercial by her USWNT teammate Crystal Dunn), the crowd is at first shocked, then applauds her successful kick. The slogan “Let’s kick inequality” is strong, and it dawned on me — of all the commercials, this has maybe the best chance of coming true. Lloyd clearly has the leg, nailing a 55-yarder during an Eagles' practice in the 2019 preseason. It’s not that farfetched that a soccer star could eventually make it in the NFL. Or maybe once Lloyd is done with soccer she can shift to basketball instead.

Make Space for Women (Olay)

This has the best tagline from any of these commercials — “When we make space for women, we make space for everyone” — and the ad features a real astronaut (Nicole Stott) among the all-female cast. The empowering commercial also touts a #MakeSpaceForWomen hashtag, with Olay donating up to $500,000 to Girls Who Code.

Bizarre, but good

Rick & Morty (Pringles)

I love the manic energy here. Though this is an ad for Pringles, it might as well be a commercial for "Rick & Morty." If the show is anything close to this chaotic, I’m in.

An SNL skit, but funnier

Sam Elliott reciting "Old Town Road" (Doritos)

The regular commercial was fine, featuring a dance-off between Lil Nas X and Sam Elliott, plus haunting mustache CGI work. But for me, the better ad is the one above.

Hearing Sam Elliott read the phone book would be a treat, but hearing him act out lyrics to Old Town Road by Lil Nas X is a delight. The way the others in the bar react to Elliott’s character makes it clear he’s a man to be respected. I can’t help but wonder if this is simply world building, creating a backstory to the character of Wade Garrett so we can finally get that Road House prequel we’ve been clamoring for for decades.

Smaht Pahk (Hyundai)

In theory, this ad should not work as well as it does. The three lead actors — Chris Evans, Rachel Dratch, and John Krasinski — are all from the area, so it adds some authenticity to their exaggerated Boston accents. The commitment to the bit is very strong (I counted 15 times the word park — or rather “pahk” — was used), and that’s what sells it for me. The only better use for a Boston accent in a commercial would have been if Chipotle bought time to apologize for child labah violations.

Plus, this kind of car commercial is a welcome reprieve from the usual type we get during football season, with folks buying giant-bow-adorned cars for their spouse.

Can’t Touch This (Cheetos popcorn)

You had me at M.C. Hammer. That could have been the entire commercial — it basically was, with the main character getting out of various tasks because of the orange Cheetos dust on his fingers — and I would have been fine. But what sold it for me was after the trust fall, the poor guy who fell to the ground, not caught by the orange-fingered culprit, expertly delivers, “Why?” I don’t know why it made me laugh, but it did.

I can’t unsee this

The Shining remake (Mountain Dew Zero Sugar)

Had Bryan Cranston retired after Malcom in the Middle he still would have been revered for playing one of the most memorable and hilarious television dads in history. But Breaking Bad will lead his obituary, and for good reason. Cranston is a wonderfully gifted actor, and his channeling Jack Nicholson in a remake of The Shining for this commercial — the slogan is “as good as the original, maybe better?” — is quite good. But I will not be able to shake this image out of my head for some time:

Screenshot: Mountain Dew on YouTube

The Doppelgänger

This isn’t a commercial at all, but rather a tweeted tease from Honda before the game. I couldn’t help but notice the Helpful Honda guy looks a hell of a lot like Brutus.

Photo: Honda on Twitter

Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

Snoozefest

Typical Americans (Budweiser)

I appreciate the sarcastic irony of the ad, using footage of good deeds and various accomplishments, with bonus points for using USWNT Instagram stories from the post-World Cup celebration (but they should have found a way to work in “You’re welcome for this content, bitch!”). But still, this commercial falls flat. It’s probably the best of the boring subgroup here for at least having the decency to avoid jamming some shitty Lee Greenwood song into our ears.

Sonic the Hedgehog

This is a combination commercial and trailer for the upcoming "Sonic" movie, but is probably the most sports-relevant of the ads so far. Michael Thomas of the Saints, Christian McCaffrey of the Panthers, Olympic sprinter Allyson Felix, and NASCAR driver Kyle Busch are known for speed in their respective sports, but all sing the praises of the movie's main character, Sonic the Hedgehog. The inclusion of said athletes does nothing to save this commercial from being boring, however.

By the way, I hope there eventually is a sequel to this "Sonic" movie, just so it can have the tagline “The Sega Continues.”

Jimmy Works It Out (Michelob Ultra)

There are a ton of people who find Jimmy Fallon funny, so this is probably fine for them. This has everything a Super Bowl commercial is supposed to have: elaborate production, cameos from athletes and stars. But I can’t shake the fact that Jimmy Fallon tries too hard; the payoff just isn’t there for me. Maybe I still see him as the guy who laughed through every "SNL" sketch he was ever in.

Ostensibly this is an ad for Michelob Ultra, but it might as well be vanilla beer to match the bland Fallon.

Please, God, go away

Gabe Gabriel is my mortal enemy. He is unavoidable on Super Bowl Sunday, so stay safe out there everybody.

[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine fic - “The Ties that Bind: Chapter 4 - Saturday in the Park with Rachel” (NC17)

Blaine and Kurt are dating, in a long-term relationship, with New York City as their playground. Everything is as close to perfect for the two of them as can be, especially for Blaine, who’s living the dream as a songwriter beside his up-and-coming designer boyfriend, both of them without a care in the world. Until one night, he’ll find himself connected in a bizarre way to seven other human beings he’s never met, trying to solve a mystery - the hunt for a killer and to save a life, all while trying to come to terms with his new forced membership into the collective.

(This is a re-write that I got several requests for, based off of the Netflix series Sense8, with a little loose interpretation on some of the specifics - i.e., how the collective get their powers and why, what they need to accomplish as a collective, and the fact that all the players aren’t necessarily spread all over the world. Quite a few of them are in NY. Also, this story is going to focus on Kurt and Blaine, with the other characters being satellite to the story, though their stories may end up being explored deeper in one-shots. YOU DON’T NEED TO BE FAMILIAR WITH THE SHOW SENSE8 TO FOLLOW THIS. THIS STORY EXPLAINS IT ALL.) Warning for violence, blood, psychic abilities, psychic bonds, angst, anxiety, sex work, and death (not Kurt or Blaine).

Read on AO3.

Chapter 1 - In the Beginning

Chapter 2 - Abandoned Warehouses in My Mind

Chapter 3 - An Unintended Foursome

Chapter 4 (3560 words)

A/N: Warning for mention of Finn.

When Blaine wakes in the morning - or closer to the afternoon - the voices in his head have miraculously gone. Or are temporarily silent. Blaine doesn’t know which, but he welcomes the break. Despite having a touch of an anxiety hangover, he feels refreshed after finally getting several hours’ sleep. But there’s a heaviness within him, a weight that didn’t exist inside him before, and there’s no one he can ask about it. He’d considered doing a Google search on Kitty’s murder, but he doesn’t want to actually find something, especially if it links her, in some way, to him. He’d prefer it if she disappeared from his memory. Blaine should avoid thinking about Kitty or Jake altogether. Even though he couldn’t conjure them the one time he wanted them, he’s afraid that any passing thought of them might coax them out.

So digging around for news about Kitty probably won’t help that any.

He could talk to Kurt, but that wouldn’t give him any answers; it would just needlessly worry his boyfriend more. Though, after Jake’s warning, would it really be needless? Even if Blaine doesn’t know who might be after him - and by extension, Kurt - shouldn’t he give his boyfriend a head’s up? How that conversation would go, Blaine can’t begin to predict, but it’s better than not having it at all. Blaine isn’t an alarmist, but he wants to keep Kurt safe at all costs. Of course, in lieu of a conversation, he could proactively sign Kurt up for self-defense classes. They’d been meaning to go to a class together anyway after Kurt was attacked, but after he rehabilitated, Kurt was so eager to put the whole thing behind him, it kept getting put off. Now seems like a good time to bring the subject back up. Barring that, Blaine could get Kurt some pepper spray … a rape whistle … a Taser … possibly a gun.

Blaine could also try to talk Kurt into allowing him to get a dog for their place.

A big dog.

The kind they’d have to get a permit to keep, that’s trained to go for the jugular, and only understands commands in cryptic Eastern Slavic dialects.

But Blaine decides to put a pin in that and worry about it later. It’s a brand new day. He’ll put the crazy behind him for a few hours and focus on recovery. That way, he can better handle the crazy when it shows its ugly grill later on that night, which Blaine has a nagging suspicion it will.

Kurt’s side of the bed is empty, only Blaine’s arm stretched across it occupying the space. He doesn’t recall if Kurt mentioned having any appointments for the morning. It’s the weekend so no, he shouldn’t. But Kurt does have one or two clients who feel the world revolves around them. They tend to drop by unannounced, so it’s still a possibility. But no voices in Blaine’s head means that he can shoot for a redux of their early morning romp without the inclusion of Brittany, Santana, or any of Blaine’s other interlopers.

Blaine raises his head from the pillow and searches the room. Kurt’s cell phone is missing from the table on his side of the bed, which means he’s definitely dressed, and could be out and about. Blaine turns to the dresser beside him and grabs his cell phone. He unlocks the screen and checks for new text messages.

Not a one.

Strange. Kurt usually doesn’t even go downstairs for the mail without sending Blaine a text. A bitter taste rises up Blaine’s throat and fills his mouth, but he presses it down, along with the uneasiness tearing through his stomach.

Stay calm, he tells himself. Don’t overreact. Think this through.

He’ll give Kurt a call, find out where he went and when he’ll be back. It’ll all be good. This is normal. In spite of one discrepancy, there’s nothing to worry about. Kurt’s a big boy. He can handle himself. He probably didn’t go farther than four blocks from the apartment. What can happen in the space of four blocks at (Blaine checks the time on his screen) eleven in the morning?

Blaine pulls up Kurt’s number and hits call.

It goes immediately to voicemail.

Blaine’s heart thuds forcefully in his ribcage, sending icicle-sharp stitches reverberating through the muscles of his chest. He tries to call Kurt again, then again, but all of his calls go to voicemail. Panic floods his body. Lying underneath Kurt’s comforter suddenly becomes uncomfortably hot, and the air around him too cold. He leaps out of bed and takes a quick walk through their place, looking for signs of Kurt, for clues that something might not be right with him. That something might have happened this morning while Blaine slept.

That someone might have broken in and taken Kurt.

But nothing seems off or out of place. The door is locked in the usual way, Kurt’s coat and keys gone. Blaine walks by Kurt’s “office area” (the space in their living room where he meets with his clients), but everything there looks tidy and organized.

Kurt’s fine, Blaine tells himself, with a knot like molten glass forming in his gut. He didn’t go far. He’s most likely at Starbucks, grabbing a cup of coffee and one of those breakfast buns he likes so much. He’ll be back soon.

And when he does come back, Blaine can work on getting him back into bed.

But, if it’s that simple, if he just went out for a cup of coffee, why didn’t Kurt send him a text?

Why isn’t he answering his phone?

Blaine swallows hard, his throat too dry, too cluttered, a knot similar to the one in his stomach almost choking him.

This still isn’t a problem, he tries to convince himself. Remove the events of last night - the hallucinations, the voices, a woman being shot through the head - and it’s just another Saturday morning.

Except, those things did happen last night. Slowly, Blaine is coming to terms with them, no matter how desperately he wants them to go away. And they’re frightening enough to make all the difference.

An hour. He’ll give Kurt an hour. If he’s not back by then, Blaine will call the police.

And maybe the National Guard.

Blaine sends Kurt a text:

Hey, baby! Get home quick. I’m awake and in the shower. Come join me. ;)

Then, in the hopes that turning on the water will somehow cause his boyfriend to materialize, he jumps into his second shower of the day.

***

For a man who enjoys his time under a hot water spray (and Blaine’s third favorite thing to do in life is shower), he’s washed up and out in under ten minutes.

“Kurt?”

Blaine walks out of the bathroom (drying his hair with Kurt’s favorite powder blue bamboo towel as if, again, this will cause Kurt to magically appear for the sole purpose of reminding Blaine that they have separate towels for a reason) in search of his boyfriend. He thought he’d heard a door close, and footsteps walk across the floor. That had to be Kurt.

Who the heck else would it be?

“Kurt? Baby? I thought you were going to join me in the shower. I sent you a text and everything …”

Blaine can’t see a thing with the towel hanging in front of his face, but he knows the path from the bathroom to the living room like the back of his hand. He’s naked, grinning at the thought that Kurt might be doing a consultation in their living room at this very moment.

While Blaine showered, he tried to figure out what could have possibly caused Kurt to leave in such a rush that he wouldn’t wake Blaine, or tell him where he was going. He deduced that the reason Kurt might have sprinted out so early, forgetting to send him a text, was because one of his “special snowflake clients” had called him, frantically on the verge of buying 100 yards of an avocado green, polyester-rayon blend, and Kurt’s only recourse was to go to whatever bargain basement fabric store they were at and talk them down. Then he’d bring them back here to his designing den of safety.

Which means Blaine is about to interrupt a thrilling conversation about seams and biases whilst wet and nude.

Excellent.

“Kurt?”

Blaine takes one step into the living room and a strange sensation hits him. He’s not alone, which he’d assumed, but his boyfriend isn’t there either. There is someone in the room with him - a presence more than a person. That doesn’t make any sense, but that’s it regardless. He doesn’t hear the woman sitting on the sofa as much as he feels her. There’s an odd sound in his head, like an alert, a low hum, and he just knows she’s there.

He pulls the towel off his head to wrap around his waist and there she is, sitting on the sofa, staring out the window. If her hair was lighter, he might fool himself into thinking he’s looking at Kurt. But he’s not. He’s looking at a petite brunette, wearing a white rain coat covered in red cherries, a red umbrella in her lap, and a matching red scarf wrapped loosely around her neck. She appears more like she’s waiting for a bus outside, not sitting on a sofa in a Manhattan apartment.

She reminds Blaine of a ghost. He can see her. She’s definitely corporeal, but there’s something about her that kind of fades in and out of existence even if she doesn’t disappear, her physical presence waning in his mind. He decides to talk to her. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t help himself. He knows she’s not going anywhere until he does. This woman, whose reflection he can see in the glass as he gets closer, stares impassively at the building across the way, but her mind is somewhere else. She’s not there as much as she is there, and yet, she’s still not there.

It gives him a headache thinking about it, so he stops thinking.

Blaine walks over to the sofa and sits down, careful to keep the towel from untying at his hip and causing a scene. He squints at the woman sitting beside him, and an empty recognition of sorts hits him. “You’re … are you Rachel?”

He’s tempted to touch her but decides against it. Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe she is a client of Kurt’s. She looks like the kind of person who regularly comes to see Kurt for a consultation – primped, manicured, heavily into vintage couture. This woman in particular dresses like she stepped out of a Broadway musical and is about to perform a catchy, reflective number. Blaine can picture her singing something Streisand-esque, like from Funny Girl.

“Yeah,” the woman says, looking at Blaine through darting side-glances of her soft brown eyes. “And you’re Blaine.”

“That’s right,” he says, unnerved. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m not here,” she says with mild confusion. “I’m in Central Park, at the duck pond.” This time, she turns to face him. “Have you been there?”

“Not recently.”

“You should go.” She looks back out the window. “It’s beautiful today.”

An image of Central Park fills Blaine’s vision – the blue sky overhead, the towering trees, the lush grass. The park is busy today. Children run and play, people walk their dogs. Ahead of him, he sees a large pond. Families of ducks with their ducklings paddle across the surface, filling the air with their happy, conversational quacking. The woman fits in better out here. But he, with his towel and wet hair, shouldn’t be there. Then, what she said makes sense. He’s not there. She’s there. And because she’s there, he’s there, but he’s also in his living room with her, who’s not there. Another headache. He lets it go. “I used to come here all the time,” she continues, “with my fiancé, before …”

Her words trail off, and Blaine feels a pain in his chest, like someone is trying to drill a hole in his heart. It’s powerful, debilitating. It takes his breath away. But the second he can articulate it, it’s completely gone.

“Before …?” he asks hesitantly, afraid the pain will return if she can find a way to explain herself.

“Before he passed away.” She tilts her face to the side and away when a little kid, chasing a baseball, runs up to her. The boy, probably no more than five, with sandy brown hair and bright blue eyes, looks at her. It seems like he might see Blaine as well. He scrunches his nose and giggles, then turns and runs back in the direction he came.

“I’m … I’m sorry to hear that.” Tears build behind Blaine’s eyes and he wonders where in the hell his boyfriend went? Why the hell isn’t he there now? “But, what are you doing here?”

“I’m not sure. I was feeling lost, and alone. I was walking through the park on my way to … somewhere.” She laughs. “You know, I can’t remember where. And I sort of ended up here.” She shakes her head, and the tears Blaine feels in his own eyes roll down her cheek. “Has that ever happened to you?”

“I don’t know.” Blaine reaches behind him and pulls a tissue from the box Kurt keeps there. “I don’t think it has.”

She takes the tissue with a quiet, “Thank you,” and dabs at her eyes, skillfully avoiding her eye makeup. “Well” – she sniffles – “what were you doing a moment ago?”

“I was …” Blaine chuckles ironically. “Well, I was missing my boyfriend. But, I think he just stepped out to go get coffee or something. He should be back any minute.”

Rachel smiles sadly. “You’re lucky. Do you love him?”

The question strikes Blaine as insanely personal, even considering, but he doesn’t hesitate to answer. “Yes. More than anything.”

She nods. “Well, when he comes back, make sure you hold him, and kiss him …” Words start to fail her “… look in his eyes … smell his skin …” Another tear rolls down her cheek, but when it falls, it lands on Blaine’s towel. “I don’t … I can’t remember what my fiancé smelled like, or what he sounded like. I used to at least remember the sound of his voice saying my name, but I … I don’t anymore.”

Blaine is about to say he’s sorry – another hollow apology, he thinks, and how many of those has she gotten already? - when the pain returns, hitting him full force in the chest, locking around his heart and squeezing. A dozen memories flash in front of his eyes, memories that aren’t his, of a man with brown hair and brown eyes, passing a football, dancing badly, singing, playing the drums, laughing, riding on a roller coaster, chasing after a train with Rachel on it, wearing army fatigues, cleaning a rifle, and then … black. Nothing. But then, the whole montage begins to rewind, except the man is gone and it’s Kurt this time – playing football, dancing, singing, playing the piano, laughing, riding with Blaine on a roller coaster at Six Flags, watching Blaine from an airport window as his plane takes off, and then, not black, not nothing, just … over.

“Finn …” Blaine says, his throat constricted so tightly he can barely take a breath.

“Kurt …” Rachel whispers.

“Blaine,” Kurt calls out as he opens the door to their apartment. “Blaine, are you awake?” Kurt spots his boyfriend over the edge of his Whole Foods shopping bag, sitting on the sofa, staring out the window, and smiles. “I’m sorry I took so long,” he says, heading for the kitchen. “I just had to go get some unf!”

It takes about five strides for Blaine to cross from the living room to the kitchen, grab the shopping bag out of Kurt’s hands, drop it on the counter, and wrap Kurt in his arms.

“Well, hello there, handsome,” Kurt says with a laugh, but grimacing when he feels the remaining shower water on Blaine’s skin soak through his cashmere sweater. “I missed you, too.”

Blaine doesn’t answer. He holds Kurt tighter and now, Kurt can tell he’s shaking.

“Blaine? Honey, are you okay?”

Blaine sniffles, loosening his grip, but not letting go.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I just … you didn’t text me or anything, Kurt. Why didn’t you text me? Or call? I called you, Kurt. I called you three times.”

“I … I’m so sorry,” Kurt says, massaging the back of his boyfriend’s neck to calm him. “I took my phone with me, but the battery died. I have to remember to plug it in when I get home.”

“Oh” – Blaine sighs in relief, then breathes in deep, capturing the smell of cold on Kurt’s skin. But underneath that, his aftershave, his body wash, his shampoo – those signature scents that are a part of Kurt, always on his skin – “I guess that makes sense.”

“Blaine?” Kurt tries to pull away, but Blaine won’t let him. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, but … uh … could you maybe wake me up next time? Before you go out?”

“I thought you needed to rest,” Kurt explains. “I mean, after this morning …” A tiny smile slips onto Kurt’s lips, since this morning included incredible, spontaneous sex for him, but the memory makes Blaine cringe, a piece of his conscience breaking for what he’s unknowingly gotten Kurt into.

“I---I know, but I really wanted to go with you.”

Kurt raises a quizzical brow. “You wanted to come with me? To Whole Foods?” It’s not entirely unheard of, just … a little confusing considering the emotional upheaval of the night before. Blaine doesn’t sleep late often, but it’s not something he objects to. Both of them can appreciate the novelty of a lazy weekend in bed.

Regardless, Blaine normally doesn’t have a problem with waking up alone.

“Yeah. I needed some … uh … arugula.”

“I … didn’t know.” Kurt bobs his head in a repetitive half nod as he tries to figure his boyfriend out. “But I promise, I will wake you up next time. Hey, maybe we can go out together later and get that … arugula.” He pats Blaine on the shoulder, chalking this odd behavior up to Blaine’s horrible night. Kurt is still not entirely sure what happened, but he thought he could take Blaine’s mind off of it with a smoked gouda quiche and champagne brunch, and then take a second stab at trying to make his boyfriend cum, since Kurt knew he hadn’t when they had sex before.

Food and sex are a panacea to Blaine. He’d had a rocky relationship with food when he graduated high school and moved to New York but, with Kurt’s help, he got that under control.

Again, another way Blaine relied on Kurt.

But food has always played a part in their relationship, from their high school days when whole afternoons were spent baking cookies in the kitchen of Kurt’s house, to the present, when the preparation and enjoyment of a hearty, home-cooked meal often acts as the precursor to foreplay.

To celebrate the first song Blaine ever sold, he and Kurt ordered the most incredible five cheese and roasted pepper pizza, brought it home, ate it, and then had three hours of the hottest sex imaginable. Combined, it was such a mind-blowing experience that they didn’t realize a fire had broken out a few floors down until the fire department showed up at their door, even though the alarm out in the hallway had been blaring for a good forty-five minutes straight.

Kurt had considered waking Blaine up that morning with a blowjob and then inviting him to come with, but Blaine had finally fallen asleep, and Kurt didn’t want to wake him. He couldn’t have been gone longer than an hour, maybe an hour and a half. He’d tried texting Blaine when he got to the store, but his cell phone battery had died. He’d hoped Blaine would still be asleep when he got home.

Basically, the morning was an epic failure.

In an effort to salvage the day from here on out, Kurt starts talking about random things - mindless, unimportant things that might help Blaine relax - like the high price of artichokes, and the unavailability of Queen Bee honey. He manages to untangle himself from Blaine’s grasp, but holds on to him with the conversation. Blaine listens to Kurt talk, hangs on his every word. He doesn’t want to look over his shoulder, doesn’t want confirmation of what he already knows. He follows Kurt with his eyes, staring, telling himself that no matter what, he won’t look. He doesn’t need to look. He’ll avoid the sofa – no, the living room – for as long as they live here. But Kurt bustles to his work space over by the window, and Blaine can’t put it off any longer. He looks at the sofa, but the woman in the cherry print raincoat is gone.

Like Jake earlier that morning, and Brittany after that, she’s vanished.

[mothric]

Heyyyy so I love Mark and Jack's videos but I've seen so many things about their multiple personalities and I'm... I'm so confused 😅 Is there any way to briefly explain their personalities or are there videos they made that will explain it? And how much is fandom headcanon and how much is "canon"? Thanks :)

Hey! Wow, this is kind of a big question, ahah. Mark and Jack have quite a lot of ‘egos’ and some of them have a longer history than others.

I’ll attempt to give a brief summary of the most prominent / well-known egos. At the bottom, I’ve linked to a really helpful masterpost with every video where each character has appeared!

Markiplier:

Wilford Warfstache is a bizarre, trigger-happy reporter/journalist who tends to leave a trail of bodies wherever he goes. His signature pink mustache has been part of Mark’s logo and brand for a long time. He first appeared in 2012 in some comedy sketches where he was interviewing Slenderman. He has since interviewed the Phone Guy from FNAF and Markiplier (who he killed mid-interview but seemed not to comprehend that he did so). There are also two sketches centered around his character, “The Warfstache Affair” and “The Ned Affair,” which could be seen as a backstory.

Darkiplier actually began as a fan theory / fandom-created character after Mark made some uncharacteristically creepy videos (’don’t blink’, ‘don’t move,’ etc). Since then, fans would speculate and add to his fanon anytime Mark seemed to act darker than usual. He has always been seen as Mark’s evil alter-ego, though specific theories varied wildly. Over time, Mark himself became aware of the character and disliked him at first, even making a video mocking the idea of Dark as just an edgy emo. After that, though, he decided to seriously take the character into his own hands, and he produced “A Date With Markiplier,” which includes a Darkiplier route. To sum him up, he’s Mark’s opposite in every way: 100% manipulative, controlling, terrifying, angry, and pretty much the worst asshole you’d ever have the misfortune of meeting. It should also be noted that he doesn’t control Mark, but is his own being. He’s merely taken his shape because he envies the influence and audience Mark has and wants that kind of power for himself. (All of this has been confirmed by Mark during a livestream.)

Googleplier / GoogleIRL is essentially a Google device in humanoid robot form, with an insatiable hunger to destroy mankind. He was originally Matthias’ idea. “Google IRL” and “Google Gets an Upgrade” are the vids you’ll want to watch.

The Author was the main villain in a two-part Cyndago series titled “Danger in Fiction.” Whatever The Author wrote or narrated would happen, and he used his powers to control real, living people until his characters fought back.

The Host was the Author, but he is now blind and softly narrates to himself. Mark said in one comment that the Author changed his name when he realized he was only a spectator to the events around him. Almost nothing is known about him or how he became this way. Any ideas you see going around about him are pure speculation / fanon.

Bim Trimmer, Dr. Iplier, Ed Edgar, and Silver Shepherd are all “minor” egos that each have their own origin sketch. These, along with the four “big” personalities mentioned above, all appeared in Markiplier TV a few months ago. This is the first time we’ve seen multiple egos interact with each other in a big way, and Mark has said there is more to come. As with the Host, much of what you see on tumblr is fanon since we don’t have a whole lot to go on.

Jacksepticeye:

Antisepticeye is to Jack what Darkiplier is to Mark, an evil alter-ego. He also originated in the fandom, because one evil Youtuber wasn’t enough I guess :P It wasn’t until last year that Jack started to own the character himself. In October, he started adding strange glitches/edits in videos and dropping hints on social media with more and more frequency until Anti made a full appearance on Halloween in “SAY GOODBYE”. He is chaotic and corrosive; I don’t think he has a body of his own but is more like a virus who exists only online. There are some more popularly accepted headcanons, some of which Jack has confirmed, but there’s much we still don’t know about this character. (I have a feeling Jack scrolls the tags and reads through theories until he goes “ooh, I’mma use that!” haha) Recently, Jack’s been hinting more and more at Anti returning (or that he has already returned in some way), much to the terrified excitement of the fandom.

Henrik von Shcneeplestein / Dr. Schneeple is a surgeon who is really bad at his job tbh (’: it’s been theorized recently that Anti has controlled or corrupted him in some way.

Chase Brody was originally a satire of youtubers like Dude Perfect (see “Teabag Edition | Bro Average”), but he and Dr. Schneeple have recently been at the center of some very concerning Anti theories. here is an amazing post summing up what’s been going on with both of them, though it’s 3 weeks old and more has happened since. 

And finally, here is the amazing masterpost with links to all pertinent videos (including those of minor egos I haven’t mentioned here): https://them1nd-fantheories.tumblr.com/post/163062751375/i-have-gathered-all-the-ego-videos-i-am-aware-of

Phew, well, I did say I’d attempt to keep it brief… (’: I hope this helps!! There is kind of a lot of content to catch up on, so I apologize. Have fun spiraling down the rabbit hole with the rest of us~ and if you have any more questions about specific characters, let me know and I’ll do my best to answer!