#therapist with lived experience

[notyourparentstherapist]

I'm not sure how to feel about any of this.

A while back, maybe a year or so, we found our therapists master thesis. It was out of desperately needing to know more. It feels wrong now.

I told him it felt like a boundary violation. I had asked him before more personal questions like what his cat's name and why he became a therapist.

I got the mirror instead.

I think some of us are uncomfortable with it.

We processed it today.

How uncomfortable it is for us to feel like things are so one sided.

He asked me if that is how I feel when I'm treating clients.

I said no. Because my style is different. I'm not a psychoanalyst. I'm not a blank slate. I'm dynamic and share memes on my sessions. I will disclose personal info, nothing deep, but things that make it relatable.

I'm more focused on the human relationship. It's hard for clients with any trauma to trust. Esp since the field of mental health has a lot to answer for. We, as a field, don't have a good track record for keeping clients safe, empowered, and knowledgeable about their rights.

I take this Uber seriously.

N is a traditional psychoanalyst. I give him a lot of shit for it. Well, a few of us do I think.

But we have a hard time being centered. We don't like being noticed. It makes us uncomfortable. We get uneasy in in person sessions. We freeze. We get so stuck we've lost feelings in our legs because we held them so tightly together while crossed. We don't move in sessions. It's easier on the phone.

We told him about bad past experiences with people. When we were centered in conversations. It became unsafe. So now, here we are again. Desperate to have anything to make it not about us.

I want to talk about him. I want to know more. I know that's not going to happen. He would have disclosed by now if he was going to. It's been 3 years. Maybe 3.5. All I know is where he went to school, his master thesis, and that he has a cat.

I know nothing else.

And this power dynamic feels so bad.

One of us lashed out. " you get to know all these bad, gritty, horrible, vulnerable stuff while you get to stay safe. Safe behind your mirror. It must be so safe. Knowing I get nothing from you and you get everything from me"

I'm sure this is psychoanalytic gold mine shit.

I've always wondered. Is being a therapists therapist boring? Am I a nightmare client because I know what's up, the techniques, the clinical shit? Or does that make it more fun? That I can push back in ways other people maybe can't.

Idk.

I feel like a bad client. Finding his paper. I read it whenever he's away or I'm away. It's like a transitional object for me. I should probably delete it. He didn't tell me even though I asked. It's good shit. His paper. Idk. I'm fucking weird.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Hello this is just to say that I am very interested in that post you mentioned maybe making about indirect communication!

So to define Direct and Indirect communication with a pair of examples real fast:

Direct communication: "Hey, can you do the dishes?" Indirect communication: "There's dishes in the sink." (Please wash them.)

Indirect communication tends to trip a lot of ND, but especially Autistic people up because the implied request in the parentheses... doesn't always come through. So you don't do the dishes, and the Indirect communicator gets frustrated because they thought they had made that request perfectly clearly.

Which, in their defense, they did! ...in their micro-cultural language.

See, the actual purpose of Indirect Communication is to provide some extra verbal personal space and non-aggression measures in micro-cultures where people's personal autonomy has been compromised but there is also a high degree of understood social context.

Hm. That's a weird sentence. Let's try some more examples.

Indirect communication is most common in places or situations where people's ability to stay in their own lane is compromised, but everyone also shares the same base knowledge of what's going on. One example is in large cities, where people are PHYSICALLY up in each other's personal space because they're physically crowded. So cities have etiquette like "Don't make eye contact on public transit unless you actually need to address someone", so that, if people can't stop violating your personal space, they can at least signal non-aggression and give you some privacy. People raised in large cities, or who have lived there for a while all learn these unspoken rules by trial and error, some of us with more errors and trials than others.

Thus, in physically compact situations, "There's dishes in the sink" means "There's dishes in the sink." (I trust that you are already familiar with the social rules that dictate that dishes need to be done, and assume the reason you haven't done them is because you haven't seen the sink yet. I won't insult your intelligence by elaborating on the Do The Dishes Rule, because I know you are smart <3)

Speaking of Privacy, the other place indirect communication is common is in situations where people have Limited Privacy and thus everyone knows what's going on with them, and they know what's going on with everyone else, whether they want to or not. Close-knit families and religious communities often have this shared no-privacy pool, but it can also happen with you and two roommates in a 100sq ft apartment, or on a research vessel in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Since y'all are up in each other's business, indirect communication is there to prevent hostility in close quarters.

This, in a low-privacy situation, "There's dishes in the sink." means "There's dishes in the sink." (I know you are a good and responsible roommate who is maybe a little forgetful, and I trust you to have enough context from living in the live feed of everyone's life to know that I need them done. I won't insult you by suggesting your motivation was malicious in any way, and i trust you to do them <3)

So, to an indirect communicator, that was a perfectly clear request to do the dishes because OF COURSE you'd know what they meant- literally everyone else they deal with is in on this shared knowledge of social rules and daily updates. And not elaborating on that request is an affectionate sign of trust in your competence.

Except, you know. You're not.

So, you try to explain to your indie friend that "There's dishes in the sink." only sounds like an observation, and your brain will not auto-fill in the request like theirs does, so if you want me to do the dishes, just ask with words, okay?

And your indie friend understands this! but then instead of going "Hey, can you do the dishes?" they instead don't say ANYTHING until they're really frustrated with the state of the kitchen, and communicate VERY directly at you, and with great anger.

What happened?

So remember how indirect communication exists to prevent hostility and violence? That's because the threat of hostility and violence is VERY, VERY REAL.

Like you, your indirect communication friend made some mistakes while learning The Unsaid Rules and How To Use The Shared Information Pool, and the social hammer came down on them HARD. Ostracization, ridicule, maybe even actual, psychical harm. So they grew very, very afraid of violating those secret rules, and doubly so with people they like, so your indirect communication friend is facing this HUGE EMOTIONAL BLOCK when it comes to directly communicating with you, because to someone who grew up with their boundaries compromised and the threat of hostility if they violate the communication rules, communicating directly with someone they love feels really, really, really mean and they don't want to hurt or lose you.

For real, "Hey, please do the dishes" sounds like "Hey, please do the dishes." (You fucking moron who doesn't give a shit about our home and probably hates me) to them, and they don't want to talk like that to you. It's like how we never like picking the mean dialogue option in video games.

So instead they... just don't say anything at all, rather than risk a potential confrontation, and then the dishes don't get done and it turns into a REAL confrontation.

What a headache.

So what are we gonna do?

Well, you can't control your friend's actions, emotional reactions or interpersonal skills, but you can manage yours, and you're gonna have to meet them halfway, and it's gonna feel like training a skittish cat that coming out from under the couch is safe. Several-pronged approach:

DO NOT PUNISH BEHAVIOR YOU WANT TO SEE. When your friend does manage to say "Hey, please do the dishes?" don't go "UUUUGH IN A MINUTE." even if you are in the middle of something else and their timing sucks, which is probably does. Stick to either neutral responses ("Cool, let me finish this paragraph and I'll get on that") to positive responses ("Oh, sure! Thanks for letting me know!")

REWARD THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT TO SEE. -and then actually go do the dishes to demonstrate that this approach not only is safe, it's effective. Also, praise your friend when they do a good job communicating with you. "Hey, thanks for actually asking me to do the dishes, that was really helpful." or "You're doing a great job navigating and giving me directions, this is much less stressful than the GPS" or "Thanks for being honest about how I was annoying you and bringing it up before it became a huge issue." This will kind of feel like you're an actor on sesame street teaching big bird how to say please and thank you, but honestly? that was the age most of us learned our communication skills, and we return to that teaching method because BY GOD IT WORKS.

MODEL THE BEHAVIORS YOU WANT TO SEE. Humans learn by copying, so lead by example with the kind of communication that helps you, and explain why it helps. "Hey friend, a question so I can schedule some stuff- Do you have any plans this weekend I should know about, or am I clear to paint the bathroom?"

This is the one that sucks but YOU GOTTA MEET THEM HALFWAY AND LEARN ABOUT THE CONTEXT POOL. Can't make everyone learn, and Indirect communication has it's uses (especially in modern jobs and social media), so you gotta learn their style too. I literally have a discord server that's just me where I keep notes on the life events and conditions of my friends, coworkers, neighbors and loved ones because I know I won't remember that shit, but they will kind of expect me to, and it's been a lifesaver in both not blundering into social faux pas, and actually getting around my crap memory to know them better. You can also model hybrid communication and practice your indirect skills by using an indirect request opener, but then saying the rest of the implied context aloud: "Hey, there's dishes in the sink. I know you'll do that ASAP because you're cool, I just wanted to make sure you knew they were there and needed to be washed, thanks <3"

Accept that some people aren't gonna change for reasons that are beyond their control and probably have nothing to do with you, and decide what you're willing to invest in learning to deal with them. I still have to play 5D words chess with my mother-in-law, who was raised in a close-physical-space-AND-no-privacy culture and is an excruciatingly anxious indirect communicator as a result. I can't make her go to therapy for the anxiety, and until she does, her ability to communicate effectively probably won't improve. It's got nothing to do with me, even if I'm the person she's most frequently at odds with. As a result, I have extremely limited contact with her. I don't see her for more than a few hours at a time, when we have an activity to do together, and only a handful of times a year. More than that, and I get brainworms by proxy, so for my sanity, I've limited what I am willing to do with her. Maybe your indirect communicator is someone worth effectively learning a second language for, like a lover. Maybe they're someone you can cut out of your life entirely without issue, like a manger at a retail job you can quit. You'll have to decide.

Anyway, that's my raised-bilingual ADHD/Autism Direct/indirect communicator ramble, hope it helps.

[egberts]

"am i the asshole" pisses me off so much when it comes to stories of absurd child abuse. they're always so so quick to call out things as fake but it's always on stories so scarily similar to things myself and other people i know have experienced in real life. these people love to act like they're the superior knowledge on real vs fake stories on the internet but have no understanding of their lived experience being unique to them. anything even remotely outside of their idea of normal and comfortable is fake. they have no clue what can be real and immediately assume everything is a movie plot or everyone wants to be a creative writer but opinions are so obviously skewed by the privilege of being a person that did not suffer abuse and does not carry trauma. BELIEVE ABUSED CHILDREN

[avi-on-jumblr]

it is mind-boggling that the first thing people do after seeing a horrible antisemitic attack, or the firebombing of a synagogue, or a mob going after a jewish teacher, or the assault of a jewish student, is to go out and make a statement condemning "islamophobia and antisemitism and other forms of hate" in that order.

[arrgh-whatever]

Hi I have a parent I’ve spent my whole life with who has BPD and I suspect a friend of mine I’ve known for a few years has it too but hasn’t been diagnosed. They go through the highs, lows, restless nights, manic cleaning bouts, getting very angry over small issues resulting in passive aggressive behavior and yelling and many partners that they immediately get very attached to without much time passing which usually ends in them being hurt and going into a deep depression again.

There’s more to their behavior that is nearly identical behavior to my parent which is why I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

I just want them to feel better but don’t know if it’s appropriate for me to or even how to suggest they should be checked for BPD. Any advice including telling me to forget it is fine. I worry for my friend and thank you for reading regardless of the answer.

please don't diagnose people yourself this is unethical

what you can suggest is to seek professional help to improve their mental health

just like in any other situation when a person struggles emotionally

[jazzikayz]

Therapy is conditioning, usually social control. That's it. They'll find new ways to do it that hurt less but as long as you meet the goals set by a room of fancy psychiatrists with a lot of power, you're "healthy"

[chainofclovers]

Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

[bylerforall]

no because after season 1, will’s experience in the upside down was never spoken of again. like is nobody going to talk about how much trauma that poor 12 year old little boy went through? bro couldn’t eat or drink for an entire week and was hiding from a human eating monster the entire time in an alternate dimension. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS 😭

[jennycalendar]

had a cup of coffee last night — i do not usually drink coffee, not for any big reason, just because deviations from my routine have to be planned and when other drinks are on offer i default to the one i am most familiar with, and because i don’t usually drink coffee i didn’t realize that the caffeine would actually make my brain function the way that i am now certain my brain should be functioning. like i usually take an entire day to shower or cook or whatever it is but i cleaned the entire apartment and made my salad as well, and there was none of the “lying down for 3 hours for no reason doing nothing” in between? and now i am feeling very tangled and sad because i honestly did not realize my brain full on does work different on a lot of levels, and will need accommodations for things

[notyourparentstherapist]

We've made the decision to move out of our home. We are separating from our husband.

We are not ready to talk about it.

Things have been tough.

We feel like a failure.

We have to start over.

We don't have much.

This is going to be so hard.

Being alone again.

Hoping we can use space away to fix our relationship.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

u know it’s bad when ur doctor literally goes “hey you need to take a break from Lent/going to Mass this year until we work through some stuff”.

[bunnihearted]

gnna be honest im like genuinely and profoundly horrified by how little knowledge and understanding most therapists and psychiatrists have. it's actually shocking how everything they know is at base level and only covers the most "usual" mental health issues such as depression. even after years in school it's still like they're only capable of applying their very limited knowledge on "normal", neurotypical and healthy people. they actually have no idea how to treat people who are mentally ill. therefore they only cause ever stronger feelings of isolation, alienation and wrongness upon their patients

[sfiltron]

Qsmp lore rn is two traumatized childless parents, one going through an age recession to cope, and asking the other to be his parent, but the other is poor so he literally can't, so he's asking the other to use his child persona to steal from people 💀

Quackity is manipulating Gegg, he's telling him that he's his only friend and that they are going to steal from everyone who hates Gegg.

And at the same time Charlie is finding meaning through being Gegg, and this is happening while on therapy.

[orcelito]

The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow

The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[

[whentherewerebicycles]

even though i am very sleepy i have heroically co-facilitated a two-hour workshop, advised a student, and thrown together slides for a 20 min presentation that should be Fine (it's not going to blow anyone's mind but who cares it's done). now i have two hours to kill before i get to do two-hour panel event ft. my sister as one of the guest speakers!!!!! so that will be fun even though i'm grumpy about being on campus on a friday (would rather be in bed).

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes