#there's probably a middle school somewhere therefore right???

[oh-meow-swirls]

weird how in 1 it's like. kind of implied you have to pay to enter the museum. but after that they just. don't bother-

[sixleggedboar]

Hello everyone, since it's been very quiet on here I wanted to share an update for those who are wondering and the friends and mutuals I've been severly neglecting.

You'll find me oversharing under the cut but tldr, I am still in the middle of recovering from burnout, but it forced me to completely restructure my life to the degree that I am emotionally more stable and therefore feeling better than ever. So for anyone worrying, don't. I still have a long way to go, but I have the privilege of a good and reliable support net that caught me and offers me the resources I need to be able to build the life I need. I want to come back here, share more art in the future, but I will not force it.

And right now it's just not the time.

Thank you to everyone who's still here, thank you for your support!

CW: mental health, depression, suicidal ideation, internalised ableism

I had been suicidal my whole life. Had never known a time where I wasn't. Couldn't understand how people wanted to live, how this wasn't normal. I couldn't see myself in the future no matter how hard I tried. But I kept going because this was my normal, I didn't know anything else, didn't know I needed help and a change that was a lot more fundamental than just talking to a person every week. I had no frame of reference to communicate my struggle that came with every day life because for all I knew this is just how everyone else feels.

This is just life.

And I am just not made for it.

Didn't help that whenever I tried to communicate that to a mental health professional I just got brushed off as dramatic, being told I am fine.

Because in the end it just works. I function.

I was one of the lucky ones who got diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, mum went to a specialist cause she has it herself and wanted to make sure I get tested so I don't have to go through the same struggles that come with staying undiagnosed as she did. Thing is, that diagnosis didn't really change much, I was still too academically gifted and non-obtrusive to be considered for medical treatment (and honestly seeing and hearing about stories were kids have been on the wrong dosage for years because no one knew better makes me think that maybe it was for the better) and my mum tried to teach me the skills to succeed in life despite that diagnosis, but she herself was alone and too deep in her own trauma to be able to provide the support I needed.

This lead to me cracking and dropping out of high school, trying other things, landing back in school, this time college, and cracking again, this time not managing to immediately get up again to keep going with something else.

Nothing seemed to work, so all I could do was to take a break.

A break that showed me for the first time, that no, chronically wanting to die is not normal, that I am capable of enjoying life, that I am capable of wanting to live and my first goal should be to figure out what I can do to crawl my way back into everyday life without losing that feeling, that knowledge. I learned the difference between just a really bad, but perfectly healthy, day and the excrutiating pain day to day living had caused me until that point.

And that break's been going on for over a year now, with me periodically trying to get back into school, trying to figure out what accommodations I need and how I can build a future for myself that is worth living.

I don't know if I'll finish my bachelor's, probably not, but if I drop out I'll need to find a viable alternative first. I don't think I'll ever be able to work full time, doubt I'll ever be able to fully support myself, but I know there is a future out there for me somewhere, one that is worth living to me and that is a hope I never had until recently. That is what I mean when I say I am doing better than ever, despite the fact that my functionality has effectively crumbled to dust and diagnostics say I am still depressed.

I am still struggling with the guilt that comes with relying on others for support, that comes with not being the perfect productive member of society I am expected to be, that comes with not being the perfect friend I want to be. I learned that I actually do want to work, something that if you had asked me a year ago, and if I felt save enough to be honest, I would have said no to. I just need to figure out what that looks like. I learned I can only focus on a handful of things, and that includes basic survival and individual people. I learned what I need to not feel lonely without being overwhelmed by social interactions and have incredible people in my life who make that possible.

I also met my amazing partner who is showing me how stable and unwavering love can be. Who gives me the security I need to say that whatever comes, we'll figure it out.

Oh and yeah, starting medical transition sure as hell helped a lot too.

I am currently trying to find my passions again, learn how to actually love creating art again, to learn how to learn and find enjoyment in just the act of it.

I'm in therapy and am trying out medications in the hopes to find some that work and don't make things worse.

All in all I'm going somewhere. I don't know where it will lead but I know that it will be worth it.

[onegirllis]

So, about the new LIS trailer

It took me some time, but forgive me for the delayed response. I had to dig myself out of the fandom grave to actually look around and notice what the hell was going on. I spent another moment pondering if I still care, and with the answer "barely," I came here to write this post.

1) For whatever reason DickNein (yes, I didn't miss the scandal, who is the nazi now?) still doesn't understand what made LIS 1 so successful. It wasn't the diversity; it wasn't the same copy-paste lines; it wasn't the murder; it wasn't the superheroes from small towns with different powers. It wasn't even the lesbians (I know, shocking!). There were merely a few elements that made LIS special: - Magical Arcadia Bay with its residents - The rewind time superpower, which was one of the best mechanics in narrative games since the genre was born - Max, Chloe, and Rachel (not necessarily in that order), and you need at least two to make it work, preferably with Chloe at least somewhere there. - the specific art style and saturated colors (butchered a bit in BTS but then going full SIMS 4 for the rest of the games) - and most importantly - the soul Sure, DontNod could get away with alteration, to no fanfare and sometimes to no success, but their experiments came from the right place. This shit ain't it.

2) For whatever reason, Chloe is now a dog. I know. I know. I understand. Listen, my fellow comrades, I know how it feels when the devs pull put shit like, "Oh, they were just friends and grew apart, but now she named her squirrel after the love of her high school life".

3) Max had plastic surgery. She also decided to be entirely anonymous so that she looked like everyone else. Every model looks the same, and I hope they will have their names spelled above them as they walk around. Otherwise, I have no idea who is who. Frankly, she looks a little bit like Steph had a lot of fun with the entire cast of Sims 4 and then had a baby.

4) On top of everything, the new Max, however, probably now goes as Maxine, is teaching her Polaroid skills at a university. Now we know we are in an alternative universe all along. I hope the tuition matches the useful photography skill set you obtain there.

5) For any other reason unknown, she can dress up as Chloe, who can be dead (see the Ultimate edition). I know Max has a long tradition of dressing up as dead people, but I hoped it would go away with her Botox and other plastic corrections. But hey, we survived Chloe dressing up as Rachel and cosplaying as her dad, too, so I guess I shouldn't even be surprised. Not that it's a low-budget movie, and they have a limited wardrobe. It's a video game, but the tradition of having a mental stroke is still strong.

6) Oh no, another murder I gotta solve! I shall use my powers. Why now? Is it another girlfriend who is into printing photos? Or is it her student? Or both? Max becoming Jefferson would be a nice twist, even if not loved among the community, but I don't think it would get anywhere that dark. It just will get stupid.

7) This is supposed to be a fanservice a little too late and on the wrong foot. I know y'all missed Max. I didn't, but I understand the hype on seeing her on the screen. Although following a teenager in Arcadia Bay was interesting, simply by the shot of nostalgia with every step, here we are following a middle-aged single art teacher (or someone who looks middle-aged to the point that they decided on fixing their face). NO ONE WANTS TO FOLLOW THEIR ART TEACHERS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.

8) The Nazi problem (well, well, well, the turntables). I know DeckNein had to do some cleanup among their staff. I hope they did, but somehow, I doubt it was done for the right purpose. Therefore, I'm uncomfortable giving them any of my money, now or ever. I know, there are worse studios. I know it's stupid, but LIS was always special, filled with this little genuine spark. It just doesn't feel right.

9) The game has the worst UI in the history of modern gaming.

10) And to finish my rant on something even worse, LIS4 is coming just before DontNod's new game, most likely to compete with it on the market. A bit sus, don't you think?

Anyway, dick move, my friends. All of it. Actually, waving dicks around in the air all along. Despite our differences, this ain't right. And God knows how much worse it could be.

[loserscanwritetoo]

Starman

Chapter 1

If you would’ve asked Nico where he saw himself in the future 5 years ago, he most likely would have answered anywhere but where he was right now. He probably would've told you that he’d be in his senior year of high school, that Bianca would be off to college, or maybe working in their mothers store. He would probably secretly hope that his dad would come back. But alas, none of that came true. 

Instead here he was. An orphan with a dead sister and a deadbeat dad who had only ever been in his life when he was a kid. He hadn’t even come to Bianca or Marias funeral, and when the state asked if Nico had any living relatives, he hadn’t even thought of his dad. Well, maybe a little bit, but that was no one's business but his own. 

So he had been shipped off to live with his half sister, who he had never even met, and didn't even know existed. They shared a father, but that seemed to be the only thing they had in common. 

Hazel Levesque was 15, and apparently their dad had abandoned her and her mom the same way he had abandoned the di Angelos. Her mom seemed to be a bit of a nutcase. She insisted Nico call her mom (weird) and he was forbidden to ask anything about his father (weirder). Needless to say Nico hadn't really found his place with the Levesque’s. 

Hazel spent most days in school, and the others out with her boyfriend Frank. Frank did not seem to like Nico at all, and therefore the feeling became mutual. 

The accident happened in February. In the middle of the school year. Nico had been so busy with the grieving, funerals, and the move to America and the Levesque’s that he’d missed the rest of his junior year, and now he was going to have to retake it at Hazels school. 

Hazel’s mom, Marie, had insisted that he retake his junior year, much to Nicos dismay. He was going to drop out, and as an almost 18 year old he refused, and claimed she had no right to determine what he was going to do, thank you very much. Turns out he was wrong.

Marie had dropped off Hazel and Nico at New Orleans Dam High School. The name was a mouthful, and some genius student seemed to have realized that, and had spray painted over New Orleans, and added an N to Dam, leaving only Damn High School. Nico chuckled at that and earned himself an angry glare from Marie. Whatever. It wasn't like he cared about what she thought. (She had absolutely hated him from the moment he’d moved in. Something about a 17 year old smoking had pissed her off, and she had never gotten over it.)

They made their way to the front office to get Nico squared away. He felt like everyone glared at him, and the lady at the desk handed him his schedule without even glancing at him. Great! This was going to be an awesome day!

Hazel rushed off the second Marie left. Probably to hang out with Frank or Rey- whatever her name was, or any of her other friends, so Nico was left alone.

The bell rang, signaling for everyone to get to their classrooms, and as Nico looked down at his schedule he sighed. How the fuck was he supposed to know where classroom EG956 was. 

The corridors quickly emptied, and Nico was left to wander around the four storied school for ten minutes before he gave up, and made his way out to the bleachers to fish out a cigarette from the pack in his jeans. He only had four left, and made a mental note to get more from the corner store Marie had made him get a job at. Maria di Angelo would never make him do anything. She cared about him, and didn’t give a shit if he smoked. 

“Se lo faccio da solo non ho il diritto di fermarti", she'd always said with a sly grin. If I do it myself I have no right to stop you. Nico smiled at the memory as he lit his cigarette. Man, he missed her so much. Bianca however had cared that he smoked. She insisted that he was going to face a premature death. Oh the irony.

He didn’t know how long he’d been out there for, dreaming of his past life. It felt like 70 years ago, but it had only been a few months. Somewhere far away a bell rang, signaling that class was over. He was startled back to reality by a soft voice.

He looked up from where he was sitting to see a blond dude, wearing an orange shirt under a green flannel. He wore a concerned expression, and the brightest blue eyes Nico had ever seen. He looked like a ray of sun, and Nico was sure that if he came any closer he would get burned. The boy radiated warmth.

SunBoy, as Nico resorted to calling him in his mind, raised an eyebrow at him and Nico realized that he’d completely missed what he had said. He was going to say something stupid like ´huh`, but before he could embarrass himself the other boy repeated himself.

“You’re not allowed to smoke on school grounds, you know.”

“You gonna tattle on me?” Nico retorted. Damn him and his lack of impulse control. SunBoy looked startled, as if no one had ever talked to him like that before. Maybe they hadn't. Maybe people were afraid of getting burned.

“N-no,” SunBoy answered before regaining control of his voice “I’m just saying, if a teacher, or god forbid one of the football players, catch you, you're dead.” He dropped his clearly faked strong guy demeanor and gave Nico a warm smile. “And I don't feel like patching you up.” 

He held out his hand. “I’m Will. Will Solace. Are you new? I don't think I’ve seen you around, and I know most people here.”

Nico realized he was supposed to shake the blonde's hand, and did so, albeit reluctantly.

“Nico.” He replied. He wasn’t sure what else to say. He wasn’t used to anybody but his family paying attention to him, so he just said the first thing that popped into his mind.

“Do you know where classroom EG956 is? I was supposed to have class there but I couldn't find it.” Will’s smile got impossibly bigger.

“I get it. You’re alone at a new school and don’t know anybody, so you can't ask anyone about where to go” Nico hesitated for a second before answering

“I’m here with my half sister, Hazel, but she left me the second we got here.” 

“Hazel Levesque?! She’s a year under me, we’ve talked a few times, and she seems really nice, tough shell though.” He laughed, and Nico gave him a small smile back. Will quickly continued, “Where’s your next class? I’ll show you the way, I know this school inside and out”

And so Nico made his first friend in America. Once they had compared schedules to see if they had any classes together (chemistry, Thursdays and Fridays), Will walked him to his classroom and promised to wait for him in the cafeteria afterwards. 

Nico was excited at the prospect of having a new friend. Back home in Italy, Bianca had really been his only friend. Something about the autistic-mythomagic obsessed-loser had not attracted many friends, and Nico was fine with that, because he could tell Bianca everything. Maybe Will could be that kind of friend. 

His history lesson flashed by as the teacher told the students what they were going to do this year. Apparently the first project was Greek mythology, something Nico already knew heaps about.

As the bell rang, Nico grabbed his letterman bag and flight jacket, and headed out the door. After a few minutes of navigating he made it to the cafeteria, where he found Will sitting next to two boys that must be brothers, a blond dude, and a shorter guy, who was sitting on the table and gesturing wildly with his hands. Will noticed Nico from across the room and gladly waved him over. 

“Nico! Hi! These are the guys, that’s Travis and Connor,” he gestured at the two boys who looked identical. They must be brothers, right? 

“That's Luke” the blond guy gave him a wave

“And that's Leo, guys, this is Nico!” The boy who had been sitting on the table, Leo,  jumped down and quickly embraced Nico, who froze. He was NOT used to strangers hugging him. Thankfully Leo noticed his awkwardness and let go, joining the other boys at the table.

“Sorry man,” he said “I’m a hugger, I should’ve asked before, but Solace has been rambling on about you since we got here and I feel like we’re already pals.” Nico smiled at him and sat down.

“Don’t worry about it.” He looked around the room.

It was full of students, but it didn’t take long before his gaze caught Hazels. She raised an eyebrow at him, but quickly joined in that conversation at her table. 

Nico quickly fell into chatter with the boys, and he even found himself laughing out loud at something Travis said once or twice. Maybe this was going to be okay, he thought to himself, maybe he could make do here.

Marie had picked up Hazel and Nico after school, and after an awkward dinner Nico found himself in what he was finally starting to consider his room. His phone buzzed with a text from Hazel, who in the six months he’d lived here, had only texted him twice.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Hazel

i saw you hanging out with luke

hes bad news

Nico

So now you care?

Hazel

oh dont be like that

youre my brother

Nico

Half brother

Hazel

so what? im not allowed to care?

Nico

Not when you've ignored me since I got here

Hazel

im not used to siblings. sorry

Nico

Okay

Hazel

its just

hes not been the nicest to one of my friends

Nico

Okay

Hazel

no really nico, be careful

he really hurt annabeth

Nico

I really don’t feel like getting into your friends boy drama

Hazel

do you have to be like that?

just

sit with us tomorrow

Nico

Alright. I’ll give it a try

Hazel

yay! ill tell the guys!

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆ 𖤓 ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Nico put down his phone and sighed. He couldn't wrap his head around why Hazel had switched on him so quickly. Tomorrow was going to be a mess.

[emeraldenha]

I posted 1,444 times in 2022

That's 904 more posts than 2021!

1,129 posts created (78%)

315 posts reblogged (22%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@emeraldenha

@rubysluvbot

@ddeonuism

@thepixelelf

@cloudykyu

I tagged 1,349 of my posts in 2022

Only 7% of my posts had no tags

#ri rambles🕊 - 392 posts

#the bestie circle💛 - 340 posts

#anon asks <3 - 298 posts

#bmit: ri replies! - 182 posts

#🦕 anon - 149 posts

#🐇 anon - 116 posts

#miscellaneous thingz - 102 posts

#anon asks - 101 posts

#non enha thingz💫 - 89 posts

#enha simp hours🙇‍♀️ - 60 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#and i was lowkey 👀 for this album bc i liked all the songs from the highlight medley but didn’t like that they were mostly all under 3 mins

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

chapter 40 | “I love you”

w/c: +1.5k

warning⚠️: sentimental fluff and a mildly intimate kissing scene ahead!

See the full post

390 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

#4

chapter 29 | “why is he here”

w/c: +1.9k

warning⚠️: a bit heavier on the cursing, an angsty wonki argument/bickering

See the full post

407 notes - Posted January 1, 2022

#3

chapter 29.5 | “can i kiss you?”

w/c: +0.5k

“Are you sure you want to be eating these?” you ask him timidly. He’s lost track of how many times you’ve repeatedly pestered him with this question.

After the two of you left the school building, you had mutually agreed on taking a short break at a random bench somewhere in the middle of your walk home. Even though Riki complained that he was tired and hungry, he had refused to leave your side—and therefore—settled on eating the pre-made sandwiches you had stocked up on at the convenience store earlier.

“You act like these sandwiches come from hell and not a plastic box.” Riki chuckles in amusement. He peels back the flimsy seal lining the front and begins to guzzle down the simple ham and cheese. “It’s no big deal, Y/n. You’re thinking too much.”

“It’s not that late,” you insistently oppose, ignoring what he said. “You could still probably make it in time to eat with your family.”

“But I want to eat with you.”

“Oh...”

“I would’ve just invited you to dinner at my house, but I thought that it was probably too soon to meet the parents.”

“Yah, shut up!” You lightly shove him by the shoulder.

“Is it normal for you?” Riki asks carefully. “To eat by yourself?”

“Yeah, I guess,” you pause to take a bite of your own sandwich, “I guess that's just the way it’s been for me. The house is always pretty quiet.”

“I should get my mom to teach you how to cook,” Riki exclaims. “She’d be so excited.”

“Really?” You laugh.

“Totally!” he says in a dramatically enthusiastic tone. You can tell he's trying to lift the mood, and you appreciate it. “You should swing by sometime. They'd love you, seriously.”

Riki collects the trash after he finishes eating and puts it aside in an empty grocery bag. Clearing his hands, he holds one of yours and naturally starts playing with your fingers.

“Thanks for the offer.” You slip into a subtle smile, only able to make eye contact with the ground, or else you'll just about lose your mind. “I'll think about it.”

You finally tilt your head up to see Riki already staring right at you. His gaze is tender underneath the bluish-orange sunset, leaving you completely and utterly memorized. The opportunity forms itself; it’s the kind of suspense that makes you feel like you’re being suspended in midair.

“Can I kiss you?” you say without even thinking. All you can focus on is the close proximity between you and him on this bench.

Riki opts to not respond knowing that he'll stutter otherwise, instead, deciding to nod while he leans in closer and closer. You can tell how nervous he is by the hopelessly lost look in his dark brown eyes. You are too, but you try to block out the thought.

The kiss starts out as nothing more than an innocent peck at first, then, he gently pulls you back in with his hand on the back of your neck. His lips are laced in sweet euphoria and cold ham and cheese sandwiches. His touch is rather warm and welcoming, so much so that you think your body will overheat into a ball of fire.

And when he eventually pulls away, it feels all too soon.

“Have I ever told you that I really like you?” you say jokingly, pressing your forehead onto his.

“You have.” Riki grins from ear to ear, hand now grazing your cheek. “But say it again.”

prev || masterlist || next

✰ BREAKING ME IN TWO ✰

summary: after all your years of pining for your best friend, Yang Jungwon, you suddenly catch him with his secret girlfriend… which happens to be your other best friend. deciding to forgive and forget, you heartbrokenly cut all ties and fall back into your habits of self isolation. however, that doesn’t go as planned when Nishimura Riki approaches you with an almost-confession and a stolen keychain.

taglist: @pebbypenny @hoodiebangtan @jakes-tummy @ncityy04 @clear-color-hair @hrtattcker @anuisamazing @desitr98 @a-vian @urresidentdrugdealer @studioreader @aria-grace-scott @s0ngk4ng @httpsoa @sunvishine @lomlyeonjun @haechans-sunflower @unipanda1006 @angel-ishere @hyuckslytherin @pixyseeun @minyoongisbigassfeet @giyyuzz @ncthpen @rikisnotforsale @uhhalexwashere @renjunvibes @meiiiwa @acciomylove @wiltingdaisies @xetherealbeautyx @tomorrowbymoa-together @leeis @mildlystupid @ryumiko221 @kyleeanne @iamnotgrootforiamthor @soobnny @ddeonubaby @ohmy-fandoms @c0nvers3h1gh @yeetjake @yeonjunsleftboob @junhyukiscute @nvm @justanotherimaginesaccount @pixisvng bolded accounts couldn’t be tagged!

429 notes - Posted January 4, 2022

#2

✎ SUMMARY. both you and Jake Sim have one thing in common and that is being best friends with an ‘it couple’ on campus. after properly getting to know each other at a new year’s eve party, you think seeing his face one too many times the following weeks could all be a coincidental fate. what you soon realize is that fate comes in the form of your two friend groups who want nothing more than the two of you to start dating.

✎ PAIRING. awkward nerd!jake x fem!reader (sunghoon x yeji & jay x ryujin)

✎ FEATURING. enhypen’s 02z line, itzy

✎ GENRE. university au, fluff, strangers to lovers

✎ WARNINGS. cursing, alcohol consumption, all pairings between itzy and enhypen members are purely used for plot convenience

✎ W/C. +6.4k words

✎ ADDITIONAL NOTE. this is part of the Nuevo Comienzo (new beginnings) collab created by dulceamar! please consider checking out all the other amazing works by other authors throughout the year!

See the full post

511 notes - Posted January 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

❈ SUMMARY. though managing to stay in touch, you and Nishimura Riki were forced to live separate lives at different paces, but that was just the new normal. however, after seeing you again during your annual summer visit, he finds himself deep in trouble when faced with acknowledging his hidden feelings.

❈ PAIRING. childhood friend!ni-ki x fem!reader

❈ GENRE. friends to lovers, fake dating trope, mutual pining, fluff

❈ W/C. +6.6k words

❈ WARNINGS. not even cursing for this one folks, just pure and simple fluff <3

See the full post

521 notes - Posted February 10, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[oliviahallwriting]

Chapter 6

For Loftman students, Thanksgiving break was, realistically, only four days long. The day before was a holiday, sure, but most students spent it asleep, either in their dorms, on planes, or on their childhood beds.

However, this wasn’t the day before Thanksgiving, but Tuesday, the final day for midterms at Loftman. It was also, not coincidentally, the first time the energy drinks in the campus’s mini-marts were out of stock. Tom’s last midterm was due in a few hours, so he settled for a cold-brewed coffee at the nearest café and got to work, ignoring the stress in his gut.

Unlike his other midterms, this wasn’t an essay or multiple-choice test. It was more similar to an art project, in that he had to design a public park and then build a scale replica from balsa wood. He’d submitted the blueprints and measurements a few days earlier, and convinced the professor to give him a few more days to build the thing, until the architecture building closed for the pre-Thanksgiving cleaning crews at six. He’d been pleased with himself at the time—the extra days had ultimately been necessary for him to produce at least B-worthy essays for his composition class—but now the extension felt like a mistake. He had three hours to hot-glue the piece together and send it in. Two hours. One. Sweat dripped down Tom’s forehead as he held balsa wood in his left hand and between his lips. His right hand held the glue gun, now over-hot with use. The stick of glue was lost somewhere in the depths of the gun, surely almost depleted.

Tom produced a decent looking, though still drying and therefore structurally unsound, model. At 5:45, he left his dorm for the landscape-architecture hall. Eleven minutes later he put down the model next to the wall in front of his professor’s office door, next to three others. Each had a piece of paper next to it, covered with MLA-formatted text.

Shit, Tom thought, recalling a short and arguably too-easy-to-overlook passage from the assignment page. He’d forgotten to write a descriptive overview. 

So, at 5:58, he ran into the architecture library on the second floor, logged onto the computer, ignored the glare from a library aide, typed a few paragraphs in what had to be a words-per-minute personal best, printed it out, and stuck it onto his model where a plastic willow tree met the base. A campus employee ushered him out of the building at 6:05. Tom smiled—he’d done it.

The entire week-long midterms process, and the days leading up to it, had been all-consuming, more urgent by leagues than the other two tasks that had been taking up his mental real estate. 

The first task was to find Kiyana to get her opinion on the email he’d been sent, if only to prove it was a hoax. 

The second task was more difficult. At some point he’d have to think about the confusing feelings he’d started to have towards Jun. It wasn’t like it was obvious, something Tom could say to himself, about himself, as a fact. But he wasn’t repressing anything, either, at least not to his knowledge. If he were gay that wouldn’t be hard to admit. Or bi, or…whatever that other one was. Pan? Something like that; there wasn’t much difference between how he viewed men and women. And it wasn’t like he needed to dwell on it; it was his own business, at any rate, business that would probably take introspection over hours or days. It sounded exhausting. Tom had done a month’s worth of thinking over the past few days, after all. He deserved to let go of his thoughts for a little while.

Unfortunately, the next few days wouldn’t be any easier, he thought, collapsed on his dorm bed. He still needed to pack for Thanksgiving break, while crashing from four different caffeinated drinks. Then he’d have to deal with his parents. And, worse, his sister, whom he was still on bad terms with. She hadn’t texted or called in weeks, and she held grudges like sponges held water; there was an incident in middle school involving a lizard that she still bothered him with. 

What had even ticked her off? In all honesty Tom couldn’t remember. If it was from their earlier phone call, all he recalled was that he was trying to keep her on track in school, and not be too embarrassing. Well-meaning shit like that.

His bag was half-packed and the light was still on when Tom fell asleep.

When he woke up, it was to an aching head and a clawing stomach, vengeful from his forgotten meal the night before. Tom groaned and set out to finish packing; with any luck he could eat some chips on the train. 

The train did indeed sell chips, and the ride passed quickly. Before long Tom stood in the living room of his parent’s house. They’d waited for him with shoulder-pats and hugs ready, except for Allessandra, who didn’t budge from her reclining chair. When Tom’s mom gave her a pointed look, she reluctantly stood and gave Tom a hug, swift and cold. His dad retreated into the other room, drawn to, most likely, some kind of sports game.

“Hi,” Allessandra said.

“Hey,” he replied.

A pause.

“What’s wrong?” Tom’s mom asked, looking between them. “It’s like you don’t know each other.”

Tom and Allessandra both chuckled, but there wasn’t much in it.

“Just tired,” Tom said. “I don’t know what her problem is.”

His sister scowled.

“If you say so, mijito,” his mom continued. “Don’t think I’m blind.”

“Mama,” Tom said. “You read too much into everything.” And then he noticed the way his mom tensed, and stammered a little “I mean,” “only sometimes,” and “I’m sorry, I take it back”.

It worked well enough, because, after a tense little second, his mom only shrugged, before gesturing to a seat next to the recliner. “I suppose you’ve had a hard last few days. Have a seat. We have coffee if you’d like. Soda, too. I know you aren’t one for tea, but we have plenty of that, too.”

“Oh, coffee, gracias,” Tom said. His mom stood up, but he spoke again before she left the room. “Have you heard from Grandma lately?”

His mom stilled in the doorway between the living room and kitchen. She turned back to face him. 

“Your abuela? She’s holding on. The doctors are giving her eighty percent on the heart procedure.”

“Oh. Um, no,” Tom said. He felt a little guilty; he hadn’t kept up with his abuela’s condition. He’d never been that close to her. Both definitions: she lived a few countries south. “Dad’s mom. Grandma.”

“She’s fine. Coming tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Why? You know something I don’t?”

“She wasn’t there for a few classes I had a couple weeks ago, so I was kind of worried.”

“Aw, sweet. I’m sure she took a few days for herself.” His mom ruffled his hair before turning her attention to the coffee maker.

Tom walked into the living room, where his dad was, as he’d predicted, watching TV. A good, clean fútbol match, played between two of Colombia’s premier teams. His dad tended to alternate between watching South American and European divisional matches.

He watched alongside for a while. Sports wasn’t really his thing, but he felt obliged to spend at least a little time with his dad, and this was his father’s preferred way of holding conversation. No eye contact was required, and neither was the sentimentality that so often occurred when he spoke to his mom. There was also something to watch when the conversation lulled, which was often; his father tended towards silence most of the time, when he wasn’t trying to impress.

That said, Tom’s dad was the one to broach a new topic, one apart from the weaknesses of each team’s goalie formation.

“So, how is university?”

“Good,” Tom replied.

“Oh, that’s good.” His dad took a sip of Modelo. “Still in architecture?”

“Landscape architecture and design, yeah.” And then, to change the conversation, he brought up his father’s main non-television hobby, which was carving soccer players out of wood and selling them online. “You build anything lately?”

“Yeah, a few orders came in. They let me have fun with the poses, too.”

His mom walked in, cradling a coffee mug. Allessandra was behind her and took a seat on the other side of the couch, a few feet away from Tom.

“You can start working after school right away with landscape architecture, yes?” Tom’s mom asked, setting the coffee on a wooden side-table next to him.

“Yeah, sure,” Tom replied halfheartedly. His entire one class on the subject hadn’t clued him in on whether someone could, realistically, enter the field after four years.

“Do you like it?” His dad asked. “I didn’t think you were that technical.”

Tom nodded, but there was an annoying part of him that agreed with his father. He wasn’t sure why he’d gravitated to landscape architecture over everything else at Loftman. He didn’t particularly enjoy math or planning, and psychology was far more popular among otherwise-undeclared freshmen. But it wasn’t like he’d hated Larch: analyzing and touring public parks and gardens was relaxing. The drawing-based assignments, where he’d detail gardens and arboretums, cleared his head like nothing else, and had probably stopped him from going insane. The “architecture” part of it, where he’d had to do measurements and research materials’ costs versus strengths versus aesthetics, well, he could take or leave. But ithe boredom of it certainly made the whole major feel more professional. Otherwise he’d just be, what, doodling plants? Work wasn’t supposed to be fun.

“Sure he is,” his mom said. “He got it from you.”

Made sense enough. Tom’s parents worked for the same Sacramento-based company; his dad was in software development. There was a good chance that the company, and Tom’s family by extension, would move further south by the time he graduated.

“Is that even a good idea?” Allessandra said. “You have to, like, talk to people doing that.”

“Christ,” Tom muttered, and turned to glare at his sister. “Can you say what’s on your mind?”

“I just did, if you were listening,” Allessandra said. “You’re shit at talking to people.”

Tom’s parents didn’t say anything, but, from the little he was able to discern from his mom’s posture, her abstinence was difficult. Not that he was paying much attention; anger had come on him, hot and painful, made worse by his lack of a comeback. If only she’d have just hit him! He’d have shrugged it off as nothing, an action made out of anger, without reason. Her poise forced him to wonder if she was right.

Allessandra gave a victorious little smirk and changed the topic. “Anyway, lots of people change their majors. I hear it’s, like, most of them. Maybe that’ll be you, if it doesn’t pan out for, you know, any reason.”

“Ah, true,” Tom’s mom said, looking relieved. She’d been pacing, a balloon about to pop. Clearly she’d wanted to intervene. Though he resented his sister’s aggression, Tom respected that his mom hadn’t stopped it, and finally started to treat him and his sister like adults. He could never have a straightforward feud with his sister in high school; the stakes had been too high.

“Mama,” Tom said, “Do you not want me to study landscape architecture?”

“No,” she replied. HIs mom had always been direct, and didn’t like waiting.

His parents had met at an all-hands meeting at their company. His dad liked to retell the story of the day they’d met: she’d been the only one in the accounting department who’d looked like any fun at all, and had approached him only minutes after meeting him, and in front of the HR execs. One of the department heads had supposedly muttered something passive-aggressive about dating within the workplace.

His dad hadn’t ever described the exact wording his mom had used in her reply, but it must have been impressive, considering the HR department never pressed the issue. It definitely carried some expletives. His mom’s temper was cathartic, when she and Tom were on the same page. Not so much when she was insulting his choice of major.

“Why not?” Tom had to reply.

“I just don’t think you’d enjoy it,” his mom said. “Working for someone else. Be independent. Make your own hours.”

“I don’t know if you understand,” he said. “It’s not like I’m a gardener. I’d be, you know, using math and whatever to design rich people’s gardens and public parks.”

“I do know,” his mom said, in a huff. “You’d be working for millionaires, and city councils. Besides, your sister had a point.”

Tom took a sip of coffee. It was an angry drink, bitter and hot. He decided against saying anything, and stared into his drink.

His mom kept talking. For his part, Tom stayed put on the sofa. He even tried to listen, catching words, phrases, and the uncharacteristically tactful way his mom was speaking. Ultimately, it was a lot of bluster to say that she didn’t think her son was good company, and that he needed to be nicer to his sister, and to, well, most people he’d meet in the workplace. 

Where had this whole diatribe even come from? Tom had assumed that his mom had started to leave him alone. And his sister, apparently. He hadn’t been mean to her since he’d arrived! Unless Allessandra had talked to her about him being, admittedly, a little mean on the phone to her. But that was weeks ago. At some point, Allessandra needed to let things go instead of escalating. 

His mom wrapped up her statements and patted Tom’s shoulder. His sister had long since turned her attention towards watching the television. There was something classy about it, Tom thought. At least she wasn’t hounding him, like his mom.

“You show up for Thanksgiving, and this is how I speak to you,” she said, her voice soft. “I’m sorry for laying this on you right now, before you even finish your coffee. It’s been on my mind for a while.” 

Tom nodded in reply, and she retreated to the kitchen. Allessandra didn’t say anything more on the topic, and seemed a little embarrassed that her comment was the trigger for such a conversational explosive. 

He sat with her, and with his dad, for a little while. Eventually his mom started humming from the kitchen, one room over, a sign that she wouldn’t mind company. Tom moved to the kitchen and stayed there until the sun set, helping her prepare the turkey. 

When he turned in for the night, it was in his old room. He’d only moved out of the space two months ago, but it felt small and unfamiliar, like he was already far too old for the place.

…

Tom neither loved nor hated Thanksgiving. Sure, it was one of only a few times a year he spent with his dad’s side of the family, and they were sometimes okay to hang out with. It was only fair his father had a holiday to himself and his siblings; it was hard not to notice how reclusive the man had become over the last few years. The annual week-long event that was New Year’s seemed like it aged him another year, despite the effort he spent searching for conversation topics. Tom hadn’t lied during his class discussion about how much his father had to learn to keep up with his mom’s brothers, but he hadn’t revealed how much his father resented doing it. So Thanksgiving was pleasant, if only that he got to unwind with his dad while stuffing himself with turkey. But it was also boring, especially when the alcohol wore off.

His aunt and uncle showed up before noon. Like usual, he offered them drinks and appetizers, and played some card games with his cousins, who’d started third and fifth grade that year. They were more fun to talk to than their parents, not that he’d say so out loud. The little dramas composing the core of an elementary-schooler’s life— recess crushes, mean teachers, homework assignments— tended to be more interesting than what his dad’s sibling’s discussed. Some years it was income tax, other years they lingered on the riveting topic of recent highway closures. 

This year, it sounded like they were talking politics. Something about bathroom bills, which perked up his ears; Jun, at least, would have an opinion on them. After this round of canasta, he’d join them and give his own opinion, which wasn’t much beyond a vague gesture to let people do what they want, which felt like a reasonable take.

But, moments after Tom let his younger cousin win the round, the doorbell rang, and the adults’ conversation dropped.

From the kitchen, Tom’s mom called for him to answer the door. When he did, and faced his grandma, he let out an embarrassing sound of surprise. Then he chastised himself: obviously it’d be his grandma. He’d even been told she’d be coming.

“Oh, hi,” he said.

She ruffled his hair a little. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

“It’s nice to see you,” he replied. “I’d started to miss you being on campus. Glad you answered Dr. Florence’s call, though. I was a little worried.”

She paused and looked at him blankly before taking a seat on the recliner. After another few seconds she huffed out a laugh.

“Yes, I took a few days off.”

Tom waited for more of an explanation, but she didn’t continue speaking, and instead stared at him. Her glassy-eyed gaze made Tom a little uncomfortable; something was off about her, and he couldn’t pinpoint it.

“Oh,” he said, eventually. “How was that?”

“It was nice.”

“Did you go anywhere? Do anything?”

“I spoke to some friends over the phone.” She didn’t speak for a few seconds, then perked up, apparently recalling the call she’d had with him. Weird; he’d brought that up only minutes earlier. “And you, too.”

“I remember.”

“What have you been up to?”

The way his grandma spoke reminded Tom of conversations—no, dialogues—he’d had with his parents after having a couple drinks at his friends’ house in high school. Though even when Tom was deliberately hiding information, he’d thought that his conversations were more personal than whatever this was.

“The usual, I guess. I heard a couple of your colleagues had tea with you last week. How was that?”

“Nosy thing, aren’t you?”

Tom’s smile faded. Being a little nosy, a little mean, when talking with his grandma was one of the reasons he liked her company. But he pressed on.

“Well, was it fun?”

“I didn’t have tea with anybody, young man. Why do you ask?”

What was he supposed to say? That there were a few too many odd events occurring around the science lounge lately? That Dr. Florence, despite being an arrogant bastard, had no reason to lie about having tea with her? Neither option felt like it had enough legs to bother mentioning. There was his email message, though even that was probably a weird phishing attempt from someone who forgot to include a call to action.

So he didn’t press the question, and mumbled an apology.

His parents walked into the room and greeted his grandma in a process that took several minutes. She’d brought a side dish for the Thanksgiving dinner, and, as a gift for the home, a container of loose-leaf tea. Tom took the opportunity to leave the front room and set both on the kitchen counter. He didn’t really want to keep talking to her. He returned to his cousins, who were happy to include him in their next round of card games.

It only took a few minutes before both Tom’s grandmother and his sister entered the room. Allessandra gestured for Tom to join their conversation, so he sighed and let his cousins finish their game. Apparently not wanting to get roped into dull adult chatter, both cousins immediately moved back to the front room to play. Tom looked at them enviously.

“What have you been up to?” his grandmother asked, looking towards Allessandra.

“Not much to say. My boyfriend and I are getting along, I guess. But he’s been distant lately. Lab work and all that.”

His grandma looked up, suddenly interested. “Tyler, if I’m correct? What field is he in?”

“Oh, huh, I didn’t think you knew about him. He's biochem.”

“What kind of lab work does he do?”

“A lot of it goes over my head, and I’ve forgotten the rest.”

“I’m sure you can remember,” his grandma said.

Tom noticed his sister shift in her seat a little. Fair enough, he supposed. There was an intensity to his grandmother that he hadn’t seen before. It was near-opposite the weirdly stagnant mood she’d been in when talking to him moments ago, and reminded him of Jun, at least, when he’d first met him. The guy had tempered a bit since then, Tom thought.

“No, I don’t think so,” Allessandra replied. She glanced at Tom, obviously willing him to step in. Whatever, he thought. Maybe he could get more information now, when his grandmother was more alert. Say something strange to get her to reveal information, like they sometimes did in detective shows. Break the meta or whatever.

“I, uh, kissed a girl at a party,” he said. 

He wasn’t sure how he expected her to respond. ‘That’s not the kind of thing you announce to your grandmother’, maybe. Or something with the word ‘scoundrel’. Though, he realized with a frown, she’d eased up on the five-dollar words since she’d been his professor, and hadn’t used any during the last office hour.

“Okay,” she replied. “Enjoy the party. I have to take a phone call.” 

She walked back through the house and closed the front door. The house’s alarm system chimed once.

Allessandra looked at him and clapped, slow and sarcastic. “Good job on landing the kiss. I knew you could do it.”

Tom rolled his eyes.

“Though I don’t know why you’d tell her. She’s, like, seventy-eight.”

“She’s acting weird, right? I wanted to throw her off, see what she’d do. And it worked! You don’t think ‘okay’ is a weird reaction?”

“Tom,” Allessandra said, visibly exasperated, “What are you talking about?”

“Well, she’s usually a little more, uh, animated, I guess. And you don’t think it was odd that she didn’t, I don’t know, chastise me or something? I thought all grandmothers were prudes regarding their grandchildren.”

“More than you?”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard.” Allessandra stared at him, challenging. Tom felt his face flush, more out of embarrassment than anger.

“What’s this about?”

“You don’t remember?”

Tom shook his head. 

“Your comment over the phone a few weeks ago? You basically called me a slut.”

Tom didn’t reply for a bit. That did seem like something he would say; he must not have been paying attention at the time. A convincing part of him wanted to defend against the claim, but he let the offense through, let himself feel the guilt of it.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Allessandra said, and waited, apparently for more of an answer.

There was only so much groveling Tom would do, though. His sister wasn’t going to milk his apologetics for what they were worth.

“Is that not enough for you?” “Not really, no.”

“Then what?”

“You just implied that you believe what you said, but wish you’d said it nicer. I need you to realize that it’s common and normal to enjoy dating and that kind of thing.”

A moment of silence passed, unbearable enough that Tom forced a cough to break it.

“I need you to realize that that’s an odd thing for someone to say to her brother.”

“All you need to do is nod.”

“Fine,” Tom said, and nodded. He couldn’t look at her.

“Do you…do you not believe me?”

“Al, can we get back on topic? Please?”

Allessandra stared at him. Her anger from earlier seemed to have lessened a bit, replaced by a curious streak. “Sure.”

“What, um, were we talking about?”

“You were saying that Grandma was acting weird or something?”

“Oh, right.”

Allessandra sighed. Tom had the impression she was giving her analysis to him as thanks for his overly-personal apology. “I don’t know. Maybe she speaks differently when she’s, you know, professing. And no, I don’t think it was weird that she didn’t have a good reply to your random comment about some girl you made out with at a party.”

“We didn’t make out. And what about taking a call in the middle of a conversation? That’s kind of weird, right? What kinds of calls are important enough for an eighty-year-old?”

“Who cares?” Allessandra said, her earlier curiosity gone. She poked Tom in the chest to punctuate her statements. “You’re in everyone’s business. Maybe it was the school faculty. Maybe it was health insurance, or a doctor. Maybe one of her friends is dying. Maybe she was uncomfortable with your question and made up an excuse to leave. You scared her away one of the few times a year you get to see her!”

The poking hurt enough that Tom winced and took a step backwards. “Hey, I go to her office hours sometimes,” he said. “She doesn’t live that far from here, so you could go visit if you want. I hear you have a bit more free time than me.”

Allessandra left the room in a huff.

Tom realized, disappointed, that he still needed to show her the email. It wasn’t very convincing, but it was still more evidence than nothing, and now he had to wait until she calmed down. God, his cousins were easier to deal with.

His parents called the group to dinner. It was a lush spread of different, extravagant entrees. His mom was an excellent cook, and made it a point of pride to not repeat meals every year; her only sacrifice to tradition was the stipulation that turkey was an ingredient in at least one dish. This year, it was in a stew, which smelled incredible.

Tom’s grandmother came in from the garage. When she conversed with Tom’s parents over the meal, it was in the same, vaguely dazed way as earlier, but no one seemed to notice. Allessandra noticed that Tom was eavesdropping and glared at him from across the table.

After the meal, when the adults were chatting on couches in another room, Tom cornered his sister near the desserts.

“There’s another thing I forgot to mention,” he said.

Allessandra sighed but stayed put as he took out his phone and showed her the email. She scanned it for a few seconds. 

“Is this why you’re so paranoid?” she scoffed.

“Yeah. Did you read it?”

She laughed incredulously. “I can’t believe you. What, did someone call and ask for your Social Security, too?”

“You know what? Never mind,” Tom replied, snatching his phone away from his sister. He felt a little absurd.

His grandma appeared at the doorway to the kitchen. “What’s going on here?”

“Grandma, check out this email Tom got a few weeks ago,” Allessandra said.

“It’s nothing,” Tom said quickly, fumbling with his phone in his haste to put it back in his pocket. “Just me being silly, some of the ol’ first-semester madness, you know.”

“I want to see it,” his grandma said, with a pointed look. Reluctantly, Tom showed his phone to her.

She took the phone from him, which seemed like fairly normal elder behavior, and held it no more than two inches from her face. An awkward few moments passed, and she held the phone down, making no move to give it back to Tom.

“But I’m here,” she said eventually.

“Yeah,” Tom said. “I guess it was a scam or something.”

“See? No need to freak out,” Allessandra chimed in. She left the room, calling out, as a closer, “Next time, be less gullible.”

Tom was alone with his grandmother.

“So, I guess I’ll take this back now,” he said, reaching forwards to retrieve his phone.

“Delete it,” she said. 

Was it just him, or had she not blinked for several minutes?

“Why?”

She didn’t reply.

“Grandma, if it’s nothing, it shouldn’t matter.”

“I don’t want you worrying about it.”

“Oh. Okay, then, I will,” Tom said. He made no move to delete the message. It was odd that she hadn’t laughed, or even looked confused, reading the message. If it were a prank, she would’ve acted confused, or even angry, that someone was impersonating her.

“I have to see you do it,” his grandmother said.

Tom unconsciously took a step away from her. Something in her tone was inhuman, predatory.

“Grandson,” she continued. “Give me the phone.”

“It shouldn’t matter, if it’s a hoax,” Tom muttered, and then jumped backwards in shock as his grandmother, seventy-eight years old with brittle joints, barrelled towards him. 

His startled jump worked well enough to avoid the tackle; his grandma hit the wall behind him. The impact shook the room and knocked over one of his parents’ framed Frida Kahlo prints.

Tom instinctively rushed over to where his grandma sat on the wall.

“God, I, uh, are you okay?” he asked. He put a hand on her shoulder.

She looked up sharply, apparently not dazed in the slightest from the impact, and tried to snatch Tom’s phone, which he still held in his hand. He flinched and moved away from her, before making a snap decision.

“See? I’m deleting it,” he said. He waved the phone in the air, surreptitiously holding two buttons on the sides to take a screenshot.

His grandma looked up at him, and at his phone, and got up off the floor. She bent her legs and tensed, reminding Tom, ridiculously, of the way a cat moves before it pounces.

Tom gestured to the screen and deleted the email.

His grandma immediately stood upright and brushed herself off.

“Well, that’s resolved, then,” she stated, sounding more like herself than she had all day.

Tom’s parents, sister, uncle, and aunt ran into the room.

“We heard a crash,” his mom said. “Everyone okay?”

“Ah, yes. I took a bit of a tumble,” his grandma replied. She looked at Tom with an unreadable expression. “Apologies for the commotion.”

The rest of them rushed to her, fretting and checking for injuries. Tom left the room to go to his old bedroom, where he locked the door. At this point he didn’t care if his relatives thought he was antisocial.

His sister knocked on the door at some point, but, when he didn’t answer, she left. No one else tried to interrupt him, and the day passed.

He spent most of the rest of the four-day weekend taking naps in his old bedroom; his thoughts caromed off of each other at night and kept him frustratingly conscious. He spent meals with his parents, who wondered why he’d become so standoffish, and watched a few sports games with his dad, who, thankfully, didn’t ask any questions.

Why would his grandmother care enough about that damn email to tackle him to delete it? If it were a hoax, it didn’t make any sense, other than that she was becoming senile.

If it weren’t, maybe he should go to the cops, despite the message’s explicit directive for him to not do that. Not that he especially wanted to, anyway; he wasn’t the least likely person to get treated badly by the police, especially if it was to all-but waste their time. They’d find something on him, a little underage drinking, or that one time in middle school he’d lifted a chocolate bar from a corner store. 

He should probably just forget about the whole thing, chalk his grandma’s reaction and fading memory as a momentary freak-out. He could delete the screenshot he’d taken of the message and forget about the whole thing. Then he could focus on his studies, and Jun.

If only he believed it.

[happytaffeta]

Mental health's a bit off the rails this evening, so, depression and anxiety journaling under cut. Read at your own risk.

I am very tired and a bit grumpy, and a lot of my past several months' worth of overthinking and internal catastrophizing feels like it has recently been proven at least moderately accurate, and I am lonely and preoccupied and generally not fully present. I keep having half-coherent thoughts that lie somewhere between fear of losing the people I care most about and nonspecific conviction that I'm not good enough for them anyhow. I remembered earlier this evening about this thing from middle school, that I don't even personally directly remember, from one of the three or four brief stays in inpatient I had during the early part of puberty. Mom says the psych ward doctor asked if I was hearing voices that I couldn't identify the source of, almost definitely meaning auditory hallucinations. I, however, was on way too many unhelpful medications, severely depressed, probably at least two kinds of overlapping neurodivergent-neither of which had even been noticed let alone diagnosed-and going through Wrong Puberty against my will. So I said yes, because I could hear people in the hall, and since they were in another room and therefore out of sight, I couldn't concretely identify the source of their voices. Doc asked if they sounded close/clear or far away/muffled and I said far away/muffled, cause they were in another room of course, and the doc asked for exactly zero further clarification.

I do have a history of minor auditory hallucinations, but only one of them has ever been a voice, and all it said was my then-nickname. The rest were little beepy ringtone fragments and such. I don't think I could have actually clarified to the doctor had she asked me to, though, because at the time I was there due to an attempt earlier in the day, and I was generally not doing well and was only barely on speaking terms with speaking in the moment. There was also another several years between me and learning ASL in college. So what my mom remembers is 'oh god my kid is hearing voices' and what I remember is 'duh there's people in the hall probably' but, with all the communication skills of a miserable, barely verbal enough for yes and no questions, kid who's alive for this conversation against their will and thinking through the brain fog of five or more separate detrimental medications on top of it all. Yeah uh, my regular psych doc from my middle school years wasn't great at her job, either. I don't know what I'm doing here, half the time. Right now my main motivation factors for getting through the day are that I have a cat to look after, that my sweetheart is coming to visit in October, and that my ob has said I can get the hysterectomy and have everything except the ovaries pulled, even though I'm not over forty yet. And those are all good and important things to stick around for and look forward to. But right now they feel either insufficient, too far away, or too up in the air to be reasons to bother with anything. I should make an appointment with my therapist and maybe also psych doc, but that's just, so much effort for what feels like nothing useful.

For clarity, in case anyone actually reads this: I am not a danger to myself or others. I am in the apathetic and lethargic state at the moment and I have people I can count on in the household if I become actively distressed or approach serious self-destruction mode. I am safe. I'm just kinda grim and having the Bad Feelings regarding gender, the self, and circumstances.

[blackenchanting]

Welcome to ravens borough episode 11

Somewhere in the unheard of town of Raven's Borough…

The contents of this story are nsfw therefore not for children

The Impala flew past Lucy's outlaw steakhouse turning right as they drove down an empty road until they reached a lovely two story brick house. They pulled into the driveway behind a big purple twenty thirteen ford raptor that was raised and parked in the gravel driveway next to a jeep renegade.

"Let's see if they're more forthcoming than their daughter." Rob said getting out of the car.

"Hopefully." Eva said doing the same.

"Been a while." Rob said heading for the house.

"Yeah." Eva said as they got on the porch.

Rob knocked on the door as Eva hit the doorbell. Which made a pretty sound. Before the door opened as they came face to face with a replica of Ameila

"Hey Nana." Rob said, waving as Nana held up her arm and swayed her hand to the left.

"Where's Lucinda?" Rob asked.

Nana held her left hand in a cuffed way and slid her right hand in

"Yeah I still have no idea how to read sign language ma'am." Rob said.

"Can we come in?" Eva asked as Nana gestured them in.

"Thank you." Rob said as he and Eva entered the house.

They entered the cozy little home immediately running into baby pictures of Ameila before she lost her arm.

"Man, it's actually weird to me that Ameila had two human arms at one point." Eva said.

Nana closed her right hand and put up her pinkie index and thumb as she slowly moved it back and forth

"Could you get Lucinda? No offense but I barely understand you still and I hate myself for not learning to." Rob said.

"She said she loves Ameila" Lucinda said coming around the corner

"Ah, yeah. We're actually here to talk about her." Rob said.

"She's fine. Just distant and it's worrying us." Eva said.

"Das meh baby for you" Lucinda said gesturing to a picture of Ameila and another child who looked like a combination of the two

"Who's the other one?" Eva asked.

Nana made a few gestures

"She said our oldest" Lucinda said as nana took her hand and moved it across her face

"Nah you baby" Lucinda said as nana blushed

"Where is she now?" Eva asked.

"Around" Lucinda said

"I sense a trope that all our children run off to towns in the middle of nowhere" Lucinda said

As nana quickly moved her fist back and forth

"Yeah that's fair. Has Ameila talked with you guys lately? She's been a bit more distant than usual." Rob said.

"She's a mini replica of me. So if you know me you know her.. though I used to be the biggest narcissist back in school… thankfully she didn't get that" Lucinda said

"Yeah, that's about right. She's I think going through something and we were wondering if you knew anything about that." Rob said.

"Hmm… when did it start? any details?" Lucinda asked as Nana did the first gesture again

"Hard to say exactly. But I wanna say a few days ago. She also went on a trip to Foggy Rock." Rob said.

"Ahhh… yeah That'd do it" Lucinda said.

"Something we should know?" Rob asked

"Well about eight years ago before she disappeared to Ravens Borough she moved to foggy rock to" Lucinda began explaining as nana stopped her

"Hmmm.?" Lucinda said Nana made a few signs to her

"Ameila is.. an adult now and what happened is her business. If she hasn't told you there's probably a fairly good reason why" Lucinda said.

"Fair enough. Something happened during college then huh." Rob said.

"That's pretty much all we'll be able to know for now I guess." Eva said.

"How've you two been?" Rob asked.

Nana put her left hand on her chin and put it down cuffing her hands together

"How about you come join us in the living room.. after all it's been fourteen years since we've seen you Robert" Lucinda said

"I haven't used that name in… so many years." Rob said.

"Despite every document saying otherwise." Eva said.

"Hmm mabey we'll pull out the chairs instead it's a nice day to chill on the porch." Lucinda said thinking about it.

"Up to you. We're good at settling. It's a speciality." Rob said.

"Porch it is" Lucinda said

In no time at all they were chilling on the enclosed back porch in folding chairs.

"Ahhh. This is nice." Eva said looking at the hand made garden in front of them

"Wonder if mom's garden still exists." Rob said. As Lucinda placed her hand on a beer next to her

"Your mom gardened?" Eva asked.

"Nope. She just had a bed of flowers she let do their thing." Rob said.

"Nana puts a lot of work into this garden" Lucinda said taking a sip of moonwalker beer

"Fair. Gardening is a lot like gun repair. Takes a steady hand to make sure it's done with absolute precision." Rob said.

"Uh huh, and who do you get your snarky from?" Eva asked.

"His mom." Lucinda said

"Yup. Among other things." Rob said.

"Such as?" Eva asked as Lucinda took another sip. Hmm

"Well, she's a werewolf." Rob said.

"That… explains a lot more than it should." Eva said.

"I only get a few of the traits, nothing affecting my appearance besides my eyes." Rob said.

"Good ol' night vision, so handy." Rob said.

"So that's why your eyes turn green sometimes." Eva said.

"Nana dear, would you mind getting our guests some of your family's famous lemonade?" Lucinda asked as Nana moved her fist back and forth as she got up.

"Ooo lemonade ." Eva said.

Nana walked towards the kitchen as Lucinda slapped her ass.. she then turned around and gave her the bird as she disappeared into the kitchen

"Ahhh.. I'ma fuck that ass later." Lucinda said relaxing in her chair and taking a sip of her beer as nana came back out with three tall glasses filled with ice. And a large pitcher of delicious looking lemonade.

"I know that feeling." Rob said.

"I'm sure you do." Eva said with a smirk.

"Oh the difference between you and I. Is that I'm forty four years old and there's no more running for me. You two however are still young, you have all the time in the world to experiment. But I cannot mess up. Nana is truly a gem she's not like everyone out there completely unique there's no one like her and thus I refuse to screw this up" Lucinda said

"I also know that feeling." Ro. Said.

"Rob I love that you are trying to be sweet. But you're only twenty four.. you're still learning what love is.. love isn't about sex or doing everything every single day together. Love is about two completely different people. A deaf tabaxi and a normal Kuni who bullied her mercilessly back in school because she was different. two people you'd never expect to be together who are. Because they make it work despite their flaws, that is what love is" Lucinda said.

"Heh, that's fair I suppose. But, at the same time I think… I think I found it." Rob said, looking at Eva.

"Or do you mean it found you after many years?" Eva asked.

"We'll see." Rob said. As nana poured three glasses of juicy lemonade

"Thank you." Rob said.

Nana placed her hand on her mouth and then lowered it down Infront of her with her palm out as she sat back down next to Lucinda

"Looks like I'll have to learn sign language." Eva said with a sigh.

"She said thank you" Lucinda replied

"Fair." Rob said.

"She can talk, she has a voice. But after Lizzie and Ameila became adults and no longer needed us she went back to using sign" Lucinda explained

"Makes sense." Rob said, taking a glass of lemonade. It was a juicy mouth watering taste filled him with happiness

"When ame and Liz were younger.. They couldn't sleep well at night and so Nana would talk to them to help them to sleep. It was adorable and thus she just kinda used the voice because it was easier for them until they were of the age where she didn't need to anymore. And I mean her voice is adorable. I don't understand why she doesn't use it. But she doesn't and It doesn't really affect me because I can understand her" Lucinda explained

"Fair enough. Still can't imagine being deaf." Rob said.

"She may be deaf. And she may be different but I love her all the same" Lucinda said taking her hand through Nana's hair

"So when it comes to Ameila the only advice I can give you. Is stop prying into her life. I'm glad you worry about my baby and I'm so very glad she has friends. But if you pry too much into her life you'll just drive her further from you.. maybe even worse" Lucinda said.

"Fair enough. Guess we'll let her tell us when she's ready." Rob said.

"Exactly" Lucinda said

"So how've you guys been?" Rob asked.

"Every day is a new adventure," Lucinda said.

"Fair enough." Rob said.

They continued chilling on the porch as another car that looked like her el camino but without the bed pulled in beside the Impala.

"Looks like you have another visitor." Eva said. Watching Ameila get out of the car and walk towards them holding a twelve pack of jack

"the Fuck is that!" Rob said looking at the black car behind Ameila with a large double SS badge on the front. As she gestured towards it with a bottle of jack

"It's a Chevy...burp…Chevelle" Ameila said burping mid sentence

"Oh damn. Look at that thing." Eva said.

It was a beautiful black car with chrome rims and grill and white stripes on the hood

"Yes please do look at it" Ameila said sitting down her twelve pack of jack

"Fair it is very pretty." Rob said.

"Yeah it is" Ameila replied sitting down next to them putting her feet up on the arm rest of the chair with a bottle of jack in her right hand in an almost identical pose to Lucinda

"Like mother, like daughter." Rob said.

"If I was a raging alcoholic" Lucinda said

"Call me what you want I have thick skin" Ameila said as they could almost Imagine the smell of jack on her breath

"You're insane" Lucinda said

"Damn right I'm insane I bought a Chevy Chevelle for almost a hundred grand" Ameila said

"And that's why I built my Impala." Rob said.

"Not without help you didn't." Eva said.

"Guarantee building that car alone set you back a few.. burp…thousand" Ameila said

"Well yeah, but nowhere near a hundred thousand." Rob said.

"I call bullshit" Ameila said

"You're right it is bullshit, it was more a hundred fifty, though it's definitely nowhere near stock aside from the seats and body." Rob said.

"Well that one's kinda on you it was stock before you met this pretty lady" Ameila said

"No it really wasn't." Eva said.

"Woman, I think I'd know what was in the car. Especially since Me and Orion had to go find parts because half of them don't exist. so we went the extra mile to have them built by chevy so he could say it was stock to an extent" Ameila replied.

"I appreciate that." Rob said.

"And then I started driving it… I see." Eva said.

"Eh, as long as I have it, that's all that matters to me." Rob said.

"Now I kinda feel bad about it…" Eva said.

"Don't me and Orion warned him a thousand times over not to turn it into a work car because it's a collectors item. but as you can see" Ameila said gesturing to the Impala which was still missing it's mirror

"That mirror is haunting me I swear." Rob said.

"Again me and Orion warned you this would happen however you don't listen till it swims around and bites you on the ass" Ameila replied

"Yeah… I don't even know what the hell happened to it." Rob said.

"You left a valuable collectors item unattended outside a bar for criminals. And before you say anything. My note said at the bottom not to bring it" Ameila said abruptly

"Ah. Yeah. That's fair…" Rob said.

"But a fuckin mirror?" Eva said.

"They also scratched your door" Ameila added.

"See, that's more understandable than taking my fuckin mirror." Rob said.

"You have no reason to be pissed because again I warned you something like this would happen" Ameila said.

"I'm pissed at myself more than anything really." Rob said.

"So hows my baby" Lucinda said taking a sip of her beer

"Baby's sucking at lifey atm" Ameila replied

"How come" Lucinda asked

"Baby may have done a few things recently that she probably shouldn't have" Ameila said

"Like buying a Chevelle?" Eva asked

"Naaaaah mate.. id do that again" Ameila quickly replied

"I uhhmm.. met an old friend. One thing kinda lead to another and I kinda cheated on Ava twice" Ameila said with abit of regret in her voice

"Oh my" Lucinda said

"How you gonna tell her?" Rob asked

"... I'm not I don't wanna lose her so I'm not gonna tell her and just stop doing that" Ameila said

"Your logic is flawed my child you should tell her. if she loves you she'll forgive you this time. She may not view you the same way but if you keep it from her.. you better be a very good liar" Lucinda said as nana gestured

"Even your mom agrees" Lucinda added

"I'm not gonna tell her, that's a death sentence" Amelia said

"Yeah, I don't think it's a good idea to keep it bottled up but your choice." Rob said.

"Well let's look at the pros and cons. I tell her I possibly end up single sleeping on a couch or I get the silent treatment for several days" Ameila said

"yeah..I get the silent treatment every day of my life" Lucinda said as nana punched her in the arm

"Hey not her fault, I'd make the same joke." Eva said.

"I mean it is kinda fucked up. Mom can't speak very well" Ameila said as nana crossed her arms

"But If I don't tell her and never screw up. I sleep easy I don't potentially lose her. She talks to me I get to see her smile. And not many people can say their married to the mayor's daughter" Amelia said

"That's fair. Though I'm just happy being with Eva." Rob said, causing Eva to smile and blush.

"Ahh young love there's nothing sweeter than young love." Lucinda said

"Where gonna be eating popcorn when they hit stage two where they realize the little ticks that annoy each other.. causing them to snap at each other over the smallest details" Amelia said

"Yes we are" Lucinda said

"Bruh I should start a disgruntled partner hotline at the bar for people who need to talk about their relationship issues" Amelia said as if a light bulb had gone off in her head

"Yeah, probably." Rob said.

"Twenty eight bucks a call il be fuckin rich" Ameila said

"You know the rules we birthed you so we get a cut of the pay" Lucinda said

[beccascribbles]

can you please do an omegaverse fic with inarizaki having an omega manager that goes into heat during a game and she tries to leave but some guys from another team stop her and harass her but the bois pull up and protect her <3

a/n - right, just a warning, i’m a big atsumu simp and this became abundantly clear to me when i was writing this... it’s less inarizaki and more miya twins (with the addition of kita). whoops

warnings - harassment (unwanted touching, sexual implications)

In hindsight, leaving the house without packing heat suppressants, or at least being aware of your own condition, was reckless of you. It wasn't your fault you had woken up late and had to rush to ensure you looked presentable by the time the twins came by to collect you. Though you would have loved to make the twins late (considering it was their fault - they didn’t have to get you hooked on a new TV show and leave the call midway through the season finale), you weren’t so keen on having any of Kita’s disappointment directed towards you. Therefore, when the twins arrived, Atsumu with a wide smirk at your slightly dishevelled self, you settled on directing a swift punch to their stomachs as revenge.

“Ouch,” whined Atsumu, rubbing his stomach with a pout. “What was that for, stupid?”

“Obviously she’s pissed off that we let her stay up late,” Osamu grumbled, also rubbing his stomach, though, instead of a pout, his lips were tugged downwards in a frown. “Although I don’t see how her terrible sleep schedule is our problem.”

“Don’t get me hooked on a new show next time,” you muttered, looping an arm through Osamu’s and beginning to pull him down the road. In your other hand, you held a cool bag with some snacks for the team. The only reason you had grabbed Osamu with your free arm was to prevent him from peeking into the bag. If he had hands free to look, he had hands free to eat the food within. Atsumu was less likely to eat the food, though that didn’t stop him from unzipping the bag and peeking inside.

“Oh, tasty!” he exclaimed, zipping up the bag and making eye contact with Osamu, whose head had turned in his direction once the words left his mouth. He was clearly pleading with his twin to reveal what was in the bag. Atsumu simply stuck his tongue out. “Why don’t ya use your nose to figure it out? You always boast about having a better sense of smell than me anyway.”

“Because I do,” snapped back Osamu, quickly becoming irritated, muscles tensing as he prepared himself to leap towards his twin. Your arm tightened around his, and you shot him a look, eyes holding a warning. With care, you let your scent wind through the air around the three of you, the twin alphas calming at the subtle shift in the air.

Atsumu looped an arm over your shoulder, pulling you closer to him, the bag you were carrying bumping awkwardly against his legs in the process. This action almost caused your arm to slip from Osamu’s, but he quickly tightened his hold. Atsumu was not going to pull you away from him. Almost in sync, they both turned towards you, noses nuzzling into the crook of your neck. You let out a slightly frustrated sigh, but let them continue scenting you. After all, when they were able to do this, they were at their calmest, and you still had a long bus journey ahead of you where keeping arguments to a minimum was preferable.

When you began to approach the school gates, you pulled out of their grasp, walking ahead of them. You began to walk faster, shooting a look over your shoulder to see the pair of them watching you with confused expressions. It was when you finally broke into a sprint, hefting the bag holding the food at a weird angle, that they realised what you had in mind. Letting out a laugh, Atsumu took off after you; Osamu quickly followed. If you had managed to get a bigger head start, you might have won. However, on this occasion, both twins pulled ahead of you, darting around a bewildered Kita and launching forward to touch the bus with their fingers.

“I won!” they declared in unison, an argument breaking out between them that you tuned out in favour of focusing your attention on Kita. Aran had already walked over to the twins, grabbing them by the backs of their jackets and hauling them away. It was this sudden movement that jerked them from their argument.

“Hey,” you greeted, giving Kita a weary smile as he reached forward to take the food from you. Together, you walked towards the bus. Kita, having arrived ridiculously early, had already packed away everything that the team would need. The only thing not within the bus was most of the team, their individual athletic bags, and whatever you had brought with you. You climbed in, reaching up to place the bag on the overhang above you. Once you had finished, you turned to face Kita. “I think we’re going to win for sure. I did some research on this team and they’ve put forward a series of underwhelming performances in official games, as well as practice matches. They’re no match for Inarizaki, especially with our captain ready to step in if the second years on court get too excited or lazy.”

The latter comment was directed towards Suna, whose head poked up from behind a seat near the back of the bus. He raised his middle finger up in response before refocusing on the phone he was holding in his other hand. You yelled over at him, “Good morning to you too.”

“Whatever, y/n,” he sighed, looking up at you once again. “Just sit down somewhere, preferably a place where the two idiots can argue over who gets to sit next to you.”

You just rolled your eyes, taking the seat you were planning on claiming originally. Kita stood in the aisle, giving you a small smile. “I’m glad you’re confident we’re going to win, especially with all the practice everybody has been putting in.”

“I know,” you grinned. While continuing with the conversation, you motioned towards the seat beside you, indicating for Kita to take it. You’d rather sit next to Kita than have to deal with the twins for the journey anyway. “Everybody has been putting in so much more effort. I swear I’ve had to physically drag Atsumu out of the gym most days.”

“He just doesn’t listen,” sighed Kita, resting his head against the headrest. “I keep telling him practicing too much is bad for his health. He even got a fever because he was practicing too hard.”

“He’s stupid like that,” you shrugged, a yawn cutting through whatever you were about to say next.

“You better be talkin’ about Samu,” interrupted Atsumu, taking the seat in front of you and turning around to face you. Osamu collapsed into the seat beside him, flicking him in the forehead.

“She was obviously talking about you, dumbass,” he quipped.

Osamu turned to you for confirmation, only to see your head resting against the captain’s shoulder. He questioned, “y/n?”

“Of course she’s asleep,” laughed Atsumu, nudging Osamu with his shoulder, previous comment forgotten in favour of teasing you. “She can’t take the late nights.”

“Keep it down,” Kita said, adjusting your head so that it was rested against him more comfortably. In response, you moved closer to him, an arm sliding around his waist to hug him as you mumbled something incoherent in your sleep. A furious blush spread along his cheeks, and he ducked his head to hide from the twins. Luckily, their attention was fixed elsewhere, on a video Suna had sent to Osamu, too lazy to get up to walk down the coach to show him. Kita let out a sigh, dropping his head to rest atop of yours. He chided, not that you could hear him in your slumber, “You should really try to sleep earlier.”

It was fortunate for you that you slept for most of the journey. You missed Osamu moaning about being hungry, and then proceeding to search up pictures of food to drool over. Consequently, you also missed Atsumu hitting his twin and being scolded by Kita, something that always made you laugh. However, Suna had got up to draw on your face, which would have been an unfortunate consequence. Luckily, it was only to shuffle back to his seat sheepishly, the sight of Kita beside you a deterrent.

“You had to fall asleep on Kita,” grumbled Suna, walking along beside you as you entered the gymnasium. You trailed behind the rest of the team, your footsteps unusually sluggish. You blamed it on your late night. “Why couldn’t you have fallen asleep on Atsumu? He would’ve let me draw on your face.”

“Yeah, well, I’m glad you didn’t,” you responded, transferring the food bag to your other hand. The weight, though it wasn’t abnormally heavy, was beginning to make your arm ache. In fact, your whole body ached. Eyebrows furrowed, you continued switching the bag from hand to hand. It made no difference. You still ached.

“You look constipated,” observed Suna, though he took the food from your grip. You gave him a thankful smile, which he waved off. “I’m not being nice. I just don’t like walking beside someone with such a stupid expression on their face.”

“I didn’t ask you to walk beside me,” you snapped, crossing your arms over your chest. They still ached, even without the bag. All you wanted to do was collapse on the bench at the sidelines.

“It’s not my fault you decided to walk so slowly today,” replied Suna, glancing over at you briefly. Something about you was off, though he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It was probably a consequence of your late night, but even when you had stayed up late before, you were never this sluggish. Usually, you walked at the front beside Kita, or with the coaches. It was rare for you to be at the back unless you wanted to annoy him, which evidently was not the case this time. “I didn’t voluntarily choose to accompany you.”

“Leave me then,” you snapped, eyes narrowing in a glare, your scent suddenly spiking. He let out a grumble, releasing some of his pheromones in the air to soothe you. Suna hated being on omega duty, one of the reasons why he was glad you usually opted to walk at the front.

“You know I can’t just leave you,” he sighed, placing a hand on the small of your back to urge you forward. “The sooner we get to the gym, the sooner you can leave me and sit on the bench.”

That caused you to perk up somewhat, which also had the effect of pulling your scent back to its’ ordinary level. Your scent may have regulated, but the ache in your body persisted, each movement making you fight back a wince. It was with gritted teeth that you sat on the bench, and pulled your clipboard towards you. Suna gave you one last assessing look before beginning to warm up.

Your gaze was unfocused as you stared down at the words you had written on the page. They swam in front of your gaze, coming apart and then joining again in dizzying confusion. As you stared, you found your mind wandering, nose twitching as you found yourself seeking out any scent that felt comforting, felt familiar. Your head snapped up from the clipboard, falling on a pile of discarded jackets. From the pile, and wafting towards you in the air, was Atsumu’s rich scent that made you recall moments where you were held in his arms and shielded from the rain, Osamu’s that brought forward memories of laughing in the kitchen and collaborating on random food creations, and Kita’s that filled you with comfort, reminding you of his quite support.

Before you could process what you were doing, you were moving towards the pile, hand clutching the first jacket you found. You buried your nose into the material, breathing in Atsumu’s scent, a soft whine escaping your lips. Your own team, too engrossed in warming up, missed the sound. It did, however, attract the attention of the team on the other side of the net.

You were unaware of the sudden, and unwanted, attention, shrugging off your jacket and pulling on Atsumu’s. You turned your head into the collar, taking in a deep breath. Though the scent satisfied you emotionally, the joy at being wrapped in Atsumu’s scent, caused you to release your own pheromones, made you feel slightly dizzy. A sudden spiking heat rushed through you, and a quiet ‘shit’ slipped from your lips. Hurriedly, you began to head towards the exit, keeping your head ducked and trying desperately to stop sending pulse after pulse of pheromones into the gym. You figured that, once you were safely in the confines of the bus, you could send a message to one of the coaches, apologising for having to leave and explaining that your heat had suddenly started.

A large hand wrapped around your wrist, causing you to come to a jolting stop. The owner of the hand yanked you back into his chest and you let out a surprised squeak. His arm wrapped around your waist, holding you close to him as he let out a pleased hum. His nose ran along the scent gland at your neck, making you stiffen suddenly. Fear made you kick out, knocking against one of his teammates who was standing beside him.

“Get off me,” you panted, weakly thrashing in his grip, a sharp and bitter scent escaping from you. Across the gym, Atsumu and Osamu’s heads snapped in your direction. “Just want to leave. Need to leave.”

Twin growls ripped through the gym, sending shivers down the spines of many people in attendance, including the male currently holding you. All you could feel was relief. He looked over his shoulder, making eye contact with the furious twins. Their fury had caught the attention of the rest of Inarizaki, who all suddenly stood to attention.

“No need to be aggressive,” chuckled the male, though he made no move to release you. “I was just going to take care of this omega.”

“Like fuck ya are,” spat Atsumu, lunging forward and grabbing the male by the back of his shirt. His eyes were dark, expression twisted as another growl ripped from his throat.

“Get the fuck away from her,” growled Osamu, who had taken the distraction Atsumu provided to step in front of the male. The rest of his teammates had wisely backed off. One who had been about to pull Atsumu away had been stopped by Kita, his grip tight as he had pulled the man away by his shoulder. Despite the warning, the male’s arm remained around you. Despite Atsumu at his back and Osmau at his front, he had the nerve to push his nose against your scent gland and breathe you in deeply. A nervous whimper escaped your mouth, all Osamu and Atsumu needed for any last bit of restraint they had to evaporate. He muttered darkly, “I gave you a warning.”

Osamu’s hand curled around the male’s wrist, yanking it upwards harshly and twisting. His other arm went to catch you, pulling you away as Atsumu finally snapped. His arm wrapped around the male’s throat, his muscles prominent as he tightened his grip, crushing his windpipe. It was clear Osamu was frustrated too, eager to leap at the male. Yet, you were beside him, looking up at him with fear, and his first instinct was to protect you. He pulled his gaze away from the scene in front of him, scanning the gym until he finally found Kita. Kita was already walking towards you, anger prominent in the lines of his body. He took you from Osamu, letting you wrap your legs around his waist and snuggle your head into the crook of his neck as he held you. Kita left Osamu with a nod, giving permission the other man had not needed, but appreciated, to attack the male who had harassed you. He would let the coaches break it apart. Right now, you were his concern.

Kita walked from the gym, heading towards the bus. It was fortunate he was always prepared. Though he was certain you would be responsible enough to bring your own, he had packed heat suppressors in the buses emergency kit just in case. You let out a soft whine, hands curling into the material of his shirt.

“Atsumu… Osamu… Are they okay?” you questioned, needing to know. Kita let out a comforting purr, coupled with a release of soothing pheromones. The scent wafted around you, easing your racing heart, though it did little to cut through the haze of your heat.

“They’re fine,” he reassured, hand rubbing a soothing circle into your back before he placed you gently on a seat in the bus. You wrapped your arms around yourself, nose immediately pressing against the inside collar of the jacket, breathing in Atsumu’s scent deeply.

“Want the twins,” you whimpered. It was normal for you to want to be close to them. You had been with them since you were born, the three of you inseparable as soon as you were able to toddle. It was their scents that made up the majority of your nest, with the occasional addition of something Kita or Suna or another member of the team had scented.

Kita ignored your comment in favour of grabbing the heat suppressants from the bag. He turned towards you, grabbing a water bottle from where the spares were kept. Deciding it might be better for you, more peaceful and less painful, he also decided to include a sleeping pill. Kita handed them to you. “Have these. It’s heat suppressants and a sleeping pill.”

He watched as you took the medicine, carding his fingers through your hair affectionately. He gave your fingers a reassuring squeeze, “I’ll be back, along with the twins, when the match is finished.”

You nodded, barely registering his words as you let sleep overtake you.

When you woke up, strong arms were wrapped around you, holding you against a chest. You snuggled into the warmth, letting the distinct scent of Atsumu wash over you. Fingers stroked your hand softly, tracing its shape before sliding between your own. Your hand was lifted up, soft lips pressed against it before a face nuzzled into your palm. Sleepily, you looked up, blinking up at the twins. Even in your half-awake state, you could see the slight bruising that peppered their skin. Despite it being two-against-one, the male had landed a few solid hits before the coaches got involved.

“You’re awake,” cheered Atsumu, brushing a kiss to the top of your head as his fingers ran up and down your back, sliding beneath his jacket and your t-shirt to rest against your bare skin. Osamu gave a small cheer as well, a warm smile overtaking his features as he gazed down at you. That warm smile didn’t stop him from scolding you, something you were expecting from Kita and not him.

“And an idiot for not realising you were starting your heat,” he said, reaching over to give your hair an affection ruffle.

“We always know when our ruts are so you should know when your heats are,” chimed in Atsumu, ignoring the weak punch to his chest that you gave him with the hand not being held in Osamu’s.

“That’s because I always remind you,” you grumbled in response, though your anger was short-lived. The pheromones they were pumping out were so distracting any emotion but bliss was hard to feel, let alone hold onto.

“Considering how long you’ve known each other,” said Suna, deciding to add his two pence to the conversation, “I would’ve thought you two dumbasses would know what her pre-heat symptoms are.”

“You’re her friend too,” protested Atsumu, the only thing stopping him from engaging in a fall-blown argument was you in his lap. “Maybe you should have realised.”

“I did realise,” smirked Suna. In a quieter voice, he continued, “I just thought she was tired.”

“Can you all shut up?” snapped Aran, to which Kita was quick to agree, explaining that you would appreciate the peace and quiet.

That put a stop to any argument that could have broken out, both of the twins refocusing on you. Osamu resumed lazily playing with your fingers, while Atsumu nuzzled into your neck, rubbing his face against your scent gland. You let out a content sigh, finding comfort in their touch and the scents of the team wafting around you.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

hi I’m here to review the Clementine comic. it’s not good.

Does this even need an introduction? You know why I’ve gathered you all here today. You know the comic exists, and you probably know that it’s not great and we’re all upset about it. 

Myself included. I am not okay. At all. 

Skybound could’ve literally spit in my face and I’d come out feeling better than I did reading this comic, because this comic is an insult to the original Telltale games and Clementine as a character. 

This comic is a fancy fanfic. Glorified fanfiction. It’s not canon, and Skybound and Tillie can pretend that it is, but it’s not. Bold of them to assume we’d just accept this from people who didn’t work on the original games and never wrote for Clementine before, and based on this comic alone, any chance of us taking it seriously is gone. 

I’m gonna go through every single page, every panel, of this comic and give you my review. So I guess if you’re worried about spoilers [though at this point why would you?] then be warned, spoilers for the entire comic ahead. 

I also wanna add that I have nothing against Tillie Walden. I know a lot of dingdongs are harassing her on insta over this comic and that’s not okay. You telling her how much you hate her isn’t going to change anything. If anything, you keep being assholes to her and she’s just gonna block everything out, even things simply critiquing her work in hopes that it helps her improve. 

You’re allowed to be upset about the comic and share your feelings about it, but don’t take it out on the actual human being like that. Besides, like I’ve said before, if Tillie wasn’t gonna make the comic, Skybound would’ve found someone else to do. This was coming no matter what because Skybound wants that coin. 

That being said, I’m not going to hold back my opinions on this comic. Skybound and Tillie made this comic, they put it out there and asked for money for it, therefore I’m allowed to explain why it’s garbage as well as ponder over the questionable intent and whether or not Tillie actually has played these games. Y’know, it’s like how I have nothing against Kent, but sometimes he says things I disagree with and well, y’know how it goes. 

Alright, this is gonna be long, so let’s go--

The first few shots we get are of the school, two people sleeping, and Clementine’s empty bed. Nothing super note-worthy, we have no idea who is sleeping in the beds, it’s just there to establish that it’s early and everyone’s still asleep. 

The drawing of the school looks fine? Not super accurate, but I can give it a pass since it’s a few years later, I assume. What I can’t give a pass is how you managed to already mess up on the first page of your comic. 

Because..... why are you implying that Clementine’s room is upstairs? First of all, seems kinda dumb to put Clem, who has only one leg and has to walk with crutches, upstairs. Also, if you’ve played TFS and paid any attention to where her room is actually located [the dorms] then you’d know there isn’t any stairs leading to their floor. It’s the side building next to the admin building, you walk through the door, go down the hall, take a left and their dorm is right there sooo..... 

Oh right, it’s probably done this way so that we can have such a suspenseful moment where Clementine is sneaking out while the others are asleep and her foot makes a creeeeeeakk that could wake everyone up, thwarting her plans of abandoning everyone quietly so she doesn’t have to deal with any consequences. 

Because yeah, Clementine is sneaking out with all of her supplies because apparently, she’s been planning an escape from this place for a while. 

And just look at how gosh darn happy she is about it. You can’t see or hear me, but know that I’m laughing. Don’t worry, I will talk about her abandoning everyone later.

But first, I have a gripe with Clementine's design in this comic. It doesn’t look like her. This art of her right here is the most accurate we get throughout all 12 pages, and it’s the best looking, too. 

Moving on, she slams the door shut while this walker changes faces and hair between panels, so that’s cool. I will say, I like the idea of the Ericson crew putting spikes on the door. That’s fun. 

Though Clementine slamming the door shut while trying to sneak out seems counter productive but it fits with the theme this comic has of inconsistency, so it works. 

Next we have Clementine going to what I believe is the fishing shack by the river, and she’s going through some things that she’s stashed away, telling us that she’s been planning this escape for a while. 

Oh good, she has a map. Well at least now she won’t get lost out there in the woods while she makes her escape... also that last panel with her profile.... why does it look so funny? Like this page of the comic doesn’t look too bad, but there is something off putting about her eye there and how she has zero expression. 

And it turns out that rustle was a walker, and Clementine is super inconvenienced by this and gives us our first piece of witty dialogue.

Yeah you dumb walker, can’t you see Clementine is busy running away from home and abandoning all of her loved ones without a single goodbye so she doesn’t have to witness the consequences of her selfish actions?? Gosh, so rude.

Just a heads up, the dialogue in this comic is stilted, emotionless, and bland. The words have no flow, no charm, and never feel like they should be coming out of Clementine’s mouth. Then again, the upcoming graphic novels this is tied to are for young adult/middle graders so I guess we have to dumb everything down so their baby brains can process it. 

.....Why does her face look like that? Also, interesting that she decided to move her ponytail to the other side of her head.... which is a thing that happens throughout this comic, her hair will randomly change sides. 

I believe it’s a metaphor for her changing and inconsistent personality. 

So yeah, Clementine is just making off with the supplies she gathered [I’m sure Ericson doesn’t need ‘em anyway] and she’s just so gosh darn annoyed at all these small inconveniences bothering her.... because it’s just too early for this. 

.....Again, why does her face look like that?

I’m sorry, like I get it, Tillie’s style is supposed to be purposely messy yet minimal but it doesn’t work. When you do a comic in a more messy style, usually it has charm and heart put into it. Effort goes into the messy look, and when things are minimal, that usually means more clean, yeah? So you put them together and just..... that is nothing resembling Clementine’s face. 

Can we just--

Look at canon Clementine’s face. Look at the way her eyebrows are shapes, how wide her eyes are with her eye lashes. The dirt on her skin, the lines-- there is so much personality in her features. It doesn’t matter if she’s wearing a neutral expression or she’s expressing anger or joy or sorrow or whatever. 

Now, is it fair to compare a model of Clem from the games to the Clem in this comic? Well, I assume that if Tillie is doing this comic, she would use references from the game to ensure that Clementine is recognizable, especially now that she’s no longer wearing her signature hat. 

So why does she look like this? Why do I look at these drawings of her face and see nothing but a pair of eyes, a nose, and a mouth? You might as well draw me a simple smiley face. And I get that it’s a comic, and it’s a lot of work to draw the same character over and over again and you gotta cut corners somewhere, but maybe put some effort into the close up shots of her face so that we can actually see it’s her? 

Other fan artists have made comics in their styles that shine bright with Clementine’s personality, so what happened here? 

Anyway, surprise..... it’s not a walker annoying Clementine. 

........Why does AJ look like that??? I’m sorry, I hate to do the same thing I just did but--

Just because you put Clementine’s hat on AJ that doesn’t automatically make it him. I just.... wow. This feels like there wasn’t a single reference involved, like if someone gave Tillie a basic description of AJ and she just did this. 

But appearances aside, what is AJ saying? He says that he knew it, that Clementine’s leaving and I cannot stand this dialogue. It’s unnatural. Again, I know you wanna dumb it down for all of us because I guess we dumb.... but this conversation does not feel natural. 

“I knew it. You’re leaving.” “AJ....” “I’m coming.”

Even if you changed it to, “I’m coming with you.” it would sound more natural. Hell, he doesn’t even question WHY she’s leaving, he just stands there like “I’m coming” like??? I’m sorry, have you ever heard a single word this murder baby has said? I assume you have because I assume you actually played TFS, right? Soooo.... what happened here?

.....whY DO THEIR FACES LOOK LIEK THAT KSAJDLKJAS:LKDJLKASJD:L--

So now we’re getting into it.... into the bullshit. 

Clementine tells AJ to go back to the school, and AJ says that she wasn’t even going to say goodbye..... and then more bad dialogue that sound unnatural when you try to fucking read it. 

First off.... AJ’s reaction to Clementine attempting to leave is barely anything. Again, I hate to keep questioning if you actually played TFS, but AJ would throw a fucking fit if he caught Clementine out here ALONE like this, attempting to leave. 

And then he says “Like last time? You were going to come back?” this sentence makes my brain hurt. I just.... “Like last time, right? You’re coming back?” UGH

Wow, I feel nothing. 

I’m sitting here watching these two imposters with fucked up faces who are supposed to be Clementine and AJ and I feel nothing. 

I’m not even going to comment on the faces anymore. You can see it. You know. 

So yeah... AJ tells her the #1 rule, and reminds her that she promised.

Y’know.... she promised that she would never leave him again? Remember? At the McCarroll ranch? That flashback that was in TFS? The one you would watch if you played the game? 

Why is she looking straight at me when she should be looking at AJ as she says this? Is this Clementine’s way of telling me she’s sorry for what a shitty direction this is taking? I wouldn’t know because her face isn’t doing anything. Just because you draw a couple of tears that doesn’t mean I’m feeling the emotional heartbreak you’re attempting to convey. 

I don’t have enough middle fingers for this.

Well, my hat’s off to you. Ya did it. Ya fucked up everything single part of Clementine’s character in the span of two pages, I’m almost impressed. 

First off, the baby thing is weird. Why is she calling him that? She’s never called him that, which you should know.

Second, she’s not happy and that’s why she’s leaving. Clementine isn’t happy, and AJ can’t make her happy. Ericson can’t make her happy. So she’s going to go out on the road to.... what, be unhappy by herself? 

I’m sorry, but apparently we need a few reminders here of who Clementine is, because this isn’t her. 

This is Clementine. 

Clementine fought for years to find a home, something she hasn’t had since she was an eight-year-old girl before the apocalypse. The motor-inn wasn’t a home, the cabin wasn’t home, the ski-lodge, Howe’s, Wellington, Richmond, Prescott, none of them were home. 

She struggled for years, dealing with trauma after trauma while out on the road. She went from group to group, watching people she cared about die and she was powerless to do anything about it. Whenever she let her guard down and become comfortable, it bit in her in the ass and left her heartbroken.

She was there when AJ was born. She grew close to Rebecca while she was pregnant, she let herself do that even after everything she went through with Christa. Clementine had a bond with AJ even before he was born, and after Rebecca died, she did what she could to keep him safe, despite play choice. 

She cried when she thought AJ died and when she found him in that car again. She swore to protect him, to raise him right and love him. All they had was each other. 

And when she joined the new frontier and AJ got sick, she risked everything to save him and she was devastated when they took him away from her. When she found out he was alive, she is willing to go as far as helping Lingard overdose [INJECTING HIM HERSELF IF SHE HAS TO] to figure out his location. She did shitty things to find him, she killed people at McCarroll Ranch to find him again. 

Clementine raised him and he is her family, do you understand that? She went to hell and back for him, she taught him how to protect himself, and even though she made mistakes she sacrificed everything for him. She promised him that they would have a home of their own one day, she talked about how much she wished for a world where she didn’t have to worry about fighting and killing and AJ could just be a happy kid. 

She fought for Ericson, she watched her friends die or become mutilated by someone from her past. She allowed herself to be vulnerable enough to pursue a romantic relationship with Louis or Violet because she felt safe with them, felt safe at Ericson because it’s their home now. 

And when Clementine was bit, she thought she was going to die but she still fought to make sure AJ would be safe and happy without her and it was heartbreaking. She’s dying and the only thing she cares about is AJ. Not herself, not what’s going to happen to her after she dies or turns... no, she tries to make AJ smile again, she makes sure he remembers the rules, and she tells him that she loves him. 

Then he cuts off her leg, and she survives. AJ saved her fucking life, and she got to wake up at home and live to see her family again. She got to push AJ on a tire swing, she got to eat a hot meal and laugh with her friends, she got to make plans with her lover/best friend for what’s next for Ericson, and she got to talk to AJ and tell him the truth... and she asked him if she did a good job, and he’s honest with her right back. 

Hell, she tells him to keep her hat. Her iconic hat. The one thing she has left of her father, possibly her more cherished item. She lets him keep it. 

The last time we see Clementine, she’s happy. She’s sitting on the steps by herself, staring at her family with such fondness in her eyes and a smile on her face because she finally did it. She finally found a home where she can breathe. She has a bed to sleep in, she has AJ with her, she has a boyfriend/girlfriend who loves her and who she loves back, she has friends she can rely on. 

Clementine smiles, and lets out a small laugh. 

She doesn’t have to run anymore. 

And now you have the balls to tell me that AJ and Ericson don’t make Clementine happy anymore. 

She abandons everything to go back out on the road again, and that’s proof enough for me that you don’t understand a damn thing about Clementine or her journey. 

“ I don't even know the person I'm talking about... It's like all we have in common is the same name.” 

....Anyway.

Wow, Clementine found a car and kept is stashed. How lazy and convenient for this bullshit plot. 

And this is the part where I have to tell this comic to fuck off. 

What, you think if you throw in an incredibly inaccurate flashback next to a current pair of hugging Clem and AJ that I’ll feel anything but anger? That flashback is a slap to the face. It’s snowing, but the only time we’ve seen snow is in S2 when AJ was a literal new born, so why is he that big? Is that supposed to be from ANF because that ALSO doesn’t look like that AJ, and that’s not the outfit Clementine had on... AND there was no snow. This is cheap and meaningless. 

Any fan of the series who has played through the games could tell you this. 

So.... AJ runs into the woods and then we get this garbage.

This comic is awful. It misses the point of everything TFS, and the rest of the series, stood for. There is no heart here. I feel no happiness in reading it, and I don’t detect any passion behind it. It’s a lifeless comic that retcons everything in order to throw AJ away and start fresh with a new adventure for Clementine that makes no sense because the cow isn’t profitable unless it’s milked. 

This isn’t canon, and it won’t ever be canon, and honestly? At this point, I have no faith in the graphic novel trilogy. It will take a lot to do a turn around from this, and I don’t even know if that’s possible. 

Again, to reiterate, I don’t have anything personal against Tillie Walden herself. She’s just doing her job, and from what I’ve seen of her as a person, she seems like a sweetheart. I don’t want anyone giving her shit because I think the comic isn’t good or that you agree with me. All of my anger is directed at the comic itself, her work, not specifically her.... and a little bit at Skybound, because they’re the reason this is even a thing in the first place. 

So yeah.... there ya have it. 

[hopeymchope]

Huh. A thought comes to mind. In the video motives in DR1, we see Makoto's family sending him a video. How long ago was this video taken? Makoto had to have been in that school for at least three years, so how old was Komaru in the video? How old are the Naegi siblings now?

TIME FOR OVERTHINKING!

I believe we establish in Chapter 6 of DR1 that Class 78 was in school for two years before getting their memories wiped. Based on DR3, most of their second year was spent locked inside the old school building; they only had one year that was more-or-less normal.

So we don't actually have strict ages for most of the characters. We can make some pretty educated guesses based on the evidence, though.

Komaru is said to be in middle schoolers when Makoto leaves for Hope's Peak, but during the opening act of the Ultra Despair Girls game, she mentions that she's aged into high school during her captivity.

Makoto mentions at the very start of DR1 that people who get invited to Hope's Peak have to ALREADY been attending high school.

Most of the time, middle schoolers in Japan range from 12-15. And high schoolers range from 16-19. There's some wiggle room there, such as older 15-year-olds qualifying for high school due to when their birthday occurs in the year, but that's the jist of how the ages break down.

Finally, we have confirmation that Komaru is only one year younger than Makoto.

(Two asides: There's nothing that says the invitees for a single class/year at Hope's Peak have to all be at the same age/grade level, so it seems a member of a given class could easily be anywhere within the 16-19 range when they get the invitation. Secondly — Yes, I'm using American terms for the schooling levels. Most translated materials do the same, don't stress it.)

SO: If Makoto left for Hope's Peak while Komaru was in junior high, but he's only a year older than her... we can logically conclude that Makoto is probably 16 when DR1 begins. By the time the Killing Game ends, he's therefore 18 years old. And this, in turn, implies that Komaru is 15 in the Motive Video and is closer to 17 or 18 when she escapes her isolated apartment on Towa Island.

As for how much time passes between DR1 and DR3's Future Arc... I've never seen any hard evidence for how big that gap is. We can at least assume that the answer is, at bare minimum, "multiple months" given how much we have to account for in that time. And the answer might be as as "a few years." Generally, most fans don't think it could be more than three years of separation, but even that's not certain.

So right now, in early September 2022, I can only say what most fans assume to be true about the characters' ages by the time we reach the "Hope Arc" finale. It's generally thought that Naegi is somewhere between 18 and 21. And Komaru is somewhere between 17 and 20.

[nutellaneedsanap]

Almost a Dream

Jason awoke with a start, the senses he honed as a street kid warning him that something was wrong. It wasn’t a noticeable shift, something a more normal person wouldn’t notice, but to a person with his training it was glaringly obvious. The slight shift of the blankets, the dip of the bed…a quick peek confirmed what he already knew. There was someone else in his bed. The blue-eyed boy kept his eyes lightly shut, feeling the warm body next to him shift ever-so-slightly. Discreetly, he opened his eyes and peered at the figure that appeared next to him, gauging her threat level. 

She was a smaller girl with blueish-black hair, likely of asian-descent, and a wiry-muscular frame not unlike Dick’s. Deciding that she was asleep, (therefore not much of an immediate threat), Jason went to move, planning on getting Bruce. He had only just begun to sit up when she pounced.

She gave no warning before lunging forward, giving Jason’s throat a quick jab that left him gasping for air. Taking advantage of the moment it took for him to catch his breath, the girl grasped his hair at the root and brought his head down on her knee. A telltale crack sounded throughout the room and internally, Jason groaned. 

“Ahhh, Alfie’s not gonna be too happy about that.” His voice had a slight lisp, another sign pointing towards a broken nose. His assailant scrambled to get off the bed and backed towards the balcony, her hands quickly touching her ear lobes. She did not seem to like what she found, her face quickly settling into a scowl.

“I don't know who you are or what you want from me,” she began, settling into a (rather good) fighting stance. “And I don't care. I will be leaving and you will not stop me.”

Jason looked at her, grasping his nose that had begun to leak a small trail of blood.

“What the hell?” He wasn’t screaming but he sure wasn’t whispering. 

“I’m not exactly sure how you do things in France, but I'm pretty sure most parents teach their children to not break into someone’s house, sleep next to them like a weirdo, and then break their nose!” 

There was a chance that the bluenette couldn’t understand him(there was no shortage of immigrants in Gotham), but Jason hadn’t learned more than basic French yet. Technically, learning the more common languages was a part of his training as Robin, but he had kind of forgone those specific lessons. And why would he put in all that time and effort learning French when he could be reading more books from the Manor’s library?

She blinked at him. “What do you mean, I broke in? I apologize but sir, you are not pretty enough to pretend to be so stupid.”

The black-haired boy blinked right back. He may not know French but he does know an insult when he hears one, so he fires one back. “Well fuck you too.” 

The girl scrutinized him, her expression screaming “Is that the best you can do?”

“Oh? You want to go? Fine. My middle finger salutes you and your assholeishness. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to those who truly worked hard for the title.” 

She stuck her tongue out at him. 

“There is a special place in hell for you, ya know that?”

The girl cocked an eyebrow. “I’m aware there is a special place in hell for me, it's called a throne. And those are bold words for someone who literally kidnapped me, but go off I guess.” 

It didn’t take much more for the pair to dissolve into a screaming match, the bluenette yelling in French and what he thought was Cantoneese and Jason using more than a few of the Spanish phrases he had picked up from his dad and other folks on the street. Jason was in the middle of one of his more strongly worded combinations when the door slammed open, Bruce and Alfred standing in the doorway.

The both of them took a moment to examine the situation, Alfred accessing Jason for injuries while Bruce switched on the Batglare™. “Who are you, and how did you get here?” 

The poor girl looked exasperated. 

“I don’t know how I got here!! Last thing I remember was collapsing into bed and the next thing I know I wake up to the face of this,” she pointed at Jason, “creep who doesn’t even have the decency to talk to me! I keep on asking him how I got here and why he took me but he just won’t answer. He’s pretending that he doesn’t know French, but who in Paris doesn’t know French?!? I  mean, sure, there are immigrants, but who the hell would immigrate to Paris nowadays? What with Hawkmoth akkumatizing people day and night.” 

She paused before flopping down on the floor, dejected. “Today was supposed to be perfect, the day I finally got my soul mark and got one step closer to finding my soulmate, but no, I just had to get kidnapped the night before my 16th birthday!” She put her face in her hands and her shoulders began to shake slightly. 

Jason looked from the girl back to Alfred and Bruce. “Is she?” he mouthed, thoroughly bewildered. Bruce exactly as Jason felt, while Alfred’s face was twisted into something that resembled pity and understanding. 

“Master Bruce, may I have a moment with you?” Bruce sighed and turned to leave. Not wanting to be left alone with the now sobbing girl, Jason followed.

Alfred handed Jason a handkerchief for his nose before he began. “Masters, this young girl has been through quite the ordeal and I will not have either of you using your vigilante intimidation tactics on her, understood?” 

He waited until he got a nod from the two of them before continuing. “Good. You know, Master Jason, I read a very interesting book recently about Kate Goodwill and her studies on soulmates. And before you ask, Master Bruce, I do have somewhere I am going with this. The book was absolutely fascinating, the theories, the experiments, simply everything. However, the one thing that stood out to me the most was Dr. Goodwill’s research on the different types of soul bonds, specifically the one that she and her wife shared. Her research was kick-started because no one had heard of their type of soulbond before and it had caused quite the panic for both the young girls and their families.” He paused, making eye contact with Jason. “Their soulbond caused the younger of the pair to teleport into their soulmate’s bed in the middle of the night on their sixteenth birthday.”

•••

Marinette was not having a good day. First, Mlle. Bustier assigned her to work with Lila, Lila of all people, for the end of the semester project in summer school (which she was attending due to her absences as Ladybug and Lila was attending because she was constantly absent for “charity work”), then in the middle of the night, Hawkmoth sends out 1 and ½ akumas (long story), and now she wakes up to find that she was kidnapped by a psycho in her sleep? What the actual FUCK?!?! Where was Tikki’s luck when she needed it?

And ok, sure, she wasn’t necessarily proud of how she handled the situation, but she was under a lot of stress, ok! She woke up in a random kid’s bed with no earrings and no Tikki. And yeah, she probably could have done without antagonizing the boy, but it was so easy and fun to get him riled up! How was she to know that the yelling would bring scarier other people? Ok yeah scratch that she probably should have figured that out herself (I mean the boy obviously had money so it makes sense that he’d have more people around his house) but in her defense she was like, really tired.

She glanced at the closed door that the men had just exited, wiping a few stray tears from her face. 

“If only I had Kaliki,” she mused. 

But no matter. She already had the beginnings of an escape plan forming in her head. I’ll just need a handkerchief, a piece of twine, and maybe a hairpin to pick the lock on the balcony door, but then how would I get out of the property? A house with a room like this must have crazy security measures… She went on like this for a couple of minutes, formulating her plan before she checked out the window. Three stories up...could normal civilian Marinette survive that jump? I would transform, I still have my earrings, but without Tikki I can’t... She went on like this, thinking of different plans and contingencies. The bluenette was so lost in her head that she almost didn’t notice when the three re-entered the room.

“Miss,” the older man who looked like a butler began. “I deeply apologize for the earlier behaviour of Master Jason.” He gestured to the now apprehensive boy who gave her a little wave. “He has not yet learned French and had no way to comprehend the situation. I was able to hear both sides of the story, and I believe that there has been a large misunderstanding. You were under the impression that Master Jason kidnapped you, correct?” Marinette nodded, more than a little confused. “Master Jason was under the impression that you had snuck into his bedroom in the middle of the night.”

“So what are you suggesting, someone put me here without either of us knowing?” I swear to all things holy if this man accuses me of lying…

“I am getting there, Miss. I assume you are familiar with the soulmate story of Dr. Kate Goodwill?” Marinette nodded yet again. 

The man took a deep breath. “I believe this is a similar situation, and that the two of you are soulmates..”

Her jaw dropped. “You mean I...we...what? N-no way.” 

She racked her hands through her hair. She... she wouldn’t overlook something like that, right? You were supposed to feel a sense of belonging the first time you met your soulmate and she...had kind of felt that. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. From a logical standpoint, it would explain so much! Why he spoke English, why Tikki wasn’t with her, why her earrings weren’t on… Her face turned crimson as she realized the full implications of the statement. She turned to face the newly named Jason.

“Oh Kwami I’m so sorry Jason! I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was just so surprised and kind of scared and oh Kwami, the first time I met my soulmate I broke his nose and called him every name that I knew,” she smacked herself on the head. “Only you Mari. Oh gosh I totally understand if you never want to talk to me again I’m probably the worst soulmate in existence I just-” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the two adults leaving the room.

“You can speak English?” Jason exclaimed, looking equal parts amused and exasperated. “You spent this whole time yelling at me in French and Cantoneese and you can speak English? So much of this could have been avoided if you had just talked to me!”

Marinette gave a nervous chuckle. “Uhhhhh, surprise?” 

At his incredulous look, she rushed to elaborate. “Well I thought we were still in Paris and no one has immigrated to Paris in literally two years so I thought that you knew French and the choice to speak English was conscious? Like maybe it was some weird interrogation tactic or something? I don’t know, I was just confused.”

“You thought I kidnapped you?” He whistled through his teeth. “Yeah, I can see why you reacted the way you did. No worries though, my nose isn’t too horribly fractured and I probably would have done the same thing.” They both chuckled. 

He has a nice smile, Mari noted. (She wouldn’t know until much later, but Jason thought the same about her laugh.)

“I think we should start over.” Marinette held out her hand. 

“Hi, I’m Marinette Dupain-Cheng. I live in Paris, France, today is my birthday, and I think I’m your soulmate.”

Jason smirked, holding out his hand. “Hello Marinette Dupain-Cheng. I’m Jason Todd-Wayne and I think you are my soulmate too,”

They shook, and that was that.

The End.

Bonus:

Jason: You know, Ethiopia can wait for one more day.

Marinette: It can wait FOREVER.

Bonus 2:

Alfred: Would you like to stay for dinner?

Jason: Would you like to stay forever?

[rosemary-scented-roads]

Robbed- Laito and Morana sub story

It was a turbulent night. Rumbling of tunder and the patter of rain against the window filled the rooms of the Sakamaki manor. The lights were off. Whether that be by choice or because of the weather was anybodies guess but it made the house seem even more ominous. For the usual occupants of the house this would've made zero difference but for a fairly new member to the family it was quite a problem. Good thing she was in the kitchen so finding a candle and lighting it was much easier than if she were in any other room. "God, this is one of the fancier ones Reiji uses for those monthly dinners isn't it? He's gonna kill me." She cursed under her breath as she continued brewing her coffee. It was a Wednesday evening, meaning it was bookclub night. At least, it was supposed to be but a certain sibling of Reijis decided they should cause as much property damage as possible during class so a two person bookclub turned into pity party for one. No matter. It wasn't the first time she read alone and it wouldn't be the last but she did admit to herself that it did make her a little sad. Taking her freshly made coffee in one hand and the candle in the other she made her way upstairs towards the library.

Like everything in the manor, the library was a ginormous room. Bookshelves started and ended as long as the walls allowed and all of them will filled to the brim with books. If you were to look closer you could find first editions of some of the most well known books, editions that would not only cost a fortune to own but would be sealed and protected somewhere where nobody could ever touch them again. But not here. Here they were treated like any other book and they fought for their place in those shelves. More of them could be found on the floor probably the unlucky ones that found themselves next to the actual wanted book.

In the middle of the room there were many sitting areas, a lot of them arranged according to specific occasions. One was for studies, where the tables and chairs were taller to accommodate for all the books you'd need to research, the other one was more for leisurely reading, having big cosy armchairs and a smaller round table for drinks and snacks and the last sitting area looking more like a place for an audience at a theatre show, having tall chairs and very small side tables presumably for a pamphlet and a fan.

Deeper into the library, in the right corner of the room, there was a small inclination, a simplistic stage from the looks of it and on it stood a grand piano. One would think that seeing it for a few times might ease the nerves but it never did. It was a beautiful instrument with such a rich and powerful sound that was in the right to demand your respect. And now as the lightning stuck next to the nerby windows it made it look so much more magical.

Finding her usual spot Morana put down her cup and lit the other candles on the stand before extinguishing the expensive one. I should probably hide that one. Maybe in Ayatos room just in case. She thought to herself as she sat down in her usual spot and picked up a book from the table. There was a note attached to the cover that said:

"To Morana,

I must apologise for the last minute cancellation of our Wednesday meeting. As you might have heard, Subaru has destroyed much of the home economics classroom therefore I, and majority of the household, have been called in by the school admissions office to help in the cleaning process and also to assess the cost of the damages. Please enjoy the rest of your evening reading and rest assured that I will read your pick for me in time for the next meeting.

Sincerely,

Reiji"

Always the drama queen even in his letters she laughed to herself as she remove the note. The book was extremely colorful which was surprising knowing from who it came from. Vibrant greens, pinks and oranges filled the cover and the title rested in the middle of all of it.

"One Hundred Years of Solitude, huh?" A voice behind her proclaimed as she felt to hands rest on her shoulders. Turning her head she was meet with two green eyes looking down on her and the book.

"Ah, it just you Laito. Can't believe you're off cleaning duty." Her shoulders relaxed as she put the book on her lap. "Thought you might be lonely so I humbly sacrificed family time to spend with our honored guest. Also wouldn't want you getting any escape plans while we're out~" His hand left her shoulders as he made his way across the table. "I sure hope that your pick as at least a little steamier that what my dear old brother recommended." Laito looked at her as he picked the other book up from the table. Clearing his throat he passionately read the back of the book:

"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita."

"Laito..." she said quietly, not knowing if he knew the context of that quote or the book in general. "Hmm? What's with that reaction? Was my narration not good enough? Was I supposedto read it more sensuality?" He laughed as he threw the book back on the table.

"No! It's the exact opposite. That book is not supposed to be seen in that light." She tried to vaguely explain it. Morana felt like she was playing with sparks and if she said the wrong things it will eventually burst into flames.

"Really now? Then..." he sat down in the armchair opposite of hers. He turned his body so his feet could dangle over one of the arm rests and his head could rest on the other. "...how are we supposed to read it? What's the book about?"

For a few seconds nothing but the sound of rain filled the room. This was the question she was afraid of. Knowing the vampires past and the speed which their emotions could switch she wanted nothing else but to change the subject.

"You know what? Since you're not really a book person maybe we could do crossword puzzles until the rest comes back." She desperately tried to make him focus on anything else.

"We could do that," He said as she felt herself relax once more, "as soon as you tell me what this book is about." His eyes pierced hers and that's where she knew his mind was made up.

Maybe if I'm direct and blunt he won't react badly. Right, like ripping off a band-aid. She thought to herself as she reached out for the book. She look down at it as she said: "Lolita is a novel about a man and his disturbed obsession with his young step daughter which he tries to convince himself and the readers it is a consensual romantic love." I better stop there. I told him what the book is about and that should be enough. She raised her gaze to see his expression. He wasn't looking at her anymore but rather the ceiling. His expression however remained the same as it was before she told him.

"Lai-" as she tries to reach out to him he interrupts her. "What if it was real love?" He says.

She knew what he was thinking. "...it wasn't." She knew it and she had to stop him from going into it deeper. She grips the book in her hands. "He was just a sick man who used and abused a child and no matter how he tries to justify it he is wrong!"

Oh no, she let her feelings slip out. Looking up at Laito his stare is back on her but this time it felt different. The atmosphere around them was different, it was cold, suffocating and what little light there was seems to have dimmed.

"Say, why did you raise your voice just now?" He asks he flatly. The was no cheery or sarcastic twinge in his voice anymore. He already knew the answer but he wanted to hear her say it.

"It's a very misinterpreted book and I just wanted to set the record straight." She couldn't look him in the eyes. She knew she needed to, to sell the lie but she felt like if she did she would completely freeze up.

"Hmmm, really? And here I thought you started compering some things from the novel to real life." She still didn't look at him. Another deathly silence followed as the last spark of the candle faded out.

"I really hate women like you."

Even before the coffe cup crashed and broke Morana found herself on the floor with Laito hovering over her, holding both of her hands in his. "Wait, Laito! Stop!" She yelled hoping if she was loud enough he would snap back to his senses.

"Shut up." Was the last thing he said before his fangs lached onto the side of her neck. His bite stang. Almost as if she was getting bit by a venomous snake. She tried to move her legs but he just locked the into place with his. Tears started running down her cheek as she begged him internally to stop. "You got too comfortable with your opinions knowing that we're not allowed to kill you, huh?" He moved down, closer to the collarbone. "If it were up to me, I would've ripped your esophagus out right now." He pierces the skin again. "Now tell me, am I the little helpless child who's getting used and abused? What about her? Was she just lying to herself when she loved me?!" He bit deeper into her shoulder.

Morana was getting weaker every time he took a bite. Her vision was going black and she started to feel cold. There wasn't much energy left in her to think of the plan to escape so she focused oh his words.

"You're wrong." She managed to say. "She is neither of the characters, you are both." There was a pause from both sides. "You are both the child and the grown man because she never never needed to convince herself of anything. You needed to lie to yourself that that was love or else you would've gone insane. You were never her goal, her obsession but she was yours." And with that her vision disappeared.

When she woke up she found herself still on the floor of the library. The table was still flipped, her favourite mub still broken but the Lolita book was nowhere to be seen. Despite the excruciating headache she got up and started cleaning the library.

After some time everything was back to normal. Morana looked at the opposite side of the table, now with one book less. There were a million thoughts going through her head, so much so that they became just white noise. With a sign of defeat she returned to the library shelves and pulled out Interpreter of Maladies.

[emeraldenha]

chapter 29.5 | “can i kiss you?”

w/c: +0.5k

“Are you sure you want to be eating these?” you ask him timidly. He’s lost track of how many times you’ve repeatedly pestered him with this question.

After the two of you left the school building, you had mutually agreed on taking a short break at a random bench somewhere in the middle of your walk home. Even though Riki complained that he was tired and hungry, he had refused to leave your side—and therefore—settled on eating the pre-made sandwiches you had stocked up on at the convenience store earlier.

“You act like these sandwiches come from hell and not a plastic box.” Riki chuckles in amusement. He peels back the flimsy seal lining the front and begins to guzzle down the simple ham and cheese. “It’s no big deal, Y/n. You’re thinking too much.”

“It’s not that late,” you insistently oppose, ignoring what he said. “You could still probably make it in time to eat with your family.”

“But I want to eat with you.”

“Oh...”

“I would’ve just invited you to dinner at my house, but I thought that it was probably too soon to meet the parents.”

“Yah, shut up!” You lightly shove him by the shoulder.

“Is it normal for you?” Riki asks carefully. “To eat by yourself?”

“Yeah, I guess,” you pause to take a bite of your own sandwich, “I guess that's just the way it’s been for me. The house is always pretty quiet.”

“I should get my mom to teach you how to cook,” Riki exclaims. “She’d be so excited.”

“Really?” You laugh.

“Totally!” he says in a dramatically enthusiastic tone. You can tell he's trying to lift the mood, and you appreciate it. “You should swing by sometime. They'd love you, seriously.”

Riki collects the trash after he finishes eating and puts it aside in an empty grocery bag. Clearing his hands, he holds one of yours and naturally starts playing with your fingers.

“Thanks for the offer.” You slip into a subtle smile, only able to make eye contact with the ground, or else you'll just about lose your mind. “I'll think about it.”

You finally tilt your head up to see Riki already staring right at you. His gaze is tender underneath the bluish-orange sunset, leaving you completely and utterly memorized. The opportunity forms itself; it’s the kind of suspense that makes you feel like you’re being suspended in midair.

“Can I kiss you?” you say without even thinking. All you can focus on is the close proximity between you and him on this bench.

Riki opts to not respond knowing that he'll stutter otherwise, instead, deciding to nod while he leans in closer and closer. You can tell how nervous he is by the hopelessly lost look in his dark brown eyes. You are too, but you try to block out the thought.

The kiss starts out as nothing more than an innocent peck at first, then, he gently pulls you back in with his hand on the back of your neck. His lips are laced in sweet euphoria and cold ham and cheese sandwiches. His touch is rather warm and welcoming, so much so that you think your body will overheat into a ball of fire.

And when he eventually pulls away, it feels all too soon.

“Have I ever told you that I really like you?” you say jokingly, pressing your forehead onto his.

“You have.” Riki grins from ear to ear, hand now grazing your cheek. “But say it again.”

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✰ BREAKING ME IN TWO ✰

summary: after all your years of pining for your best friend, Yang Jungwon, you suddenly catch him with his secret girlfriend… which happens to be your other best friend. deciding to forgive and forget, you heartbrokenly cut all ties and fall back into your habits of self isolation. however, that doesn’t go as planned when Nishimura Riki approaches you with an almost-confession and a stolen keychain.

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[ey8508]

Rumors and Secrets: Victor | 李泽言

Note:

R&S for this card (CG above)

Chapter SPOILERS up to Season 2: Chapter 18-21 (read at your own risk)

Contains 5 chapters

Translation isn’t 100% accurate (or include grammar errors)

Every part for LZ’s dialogue would be in “this setting”

Do not repost to any other site (reblog is fine)

Chapter 1 Page 1 It's no exaggeration to say that the name "Li Zeyan" has run through my entire high school era.  This "evil fate" probably starts with a 31-point Chinese test paper. I'm Gao Qishan, only 17 years old at that time, but there are so many things that usually interest me. Games, animations, and football are nothing compared than reading a book in a room. But hey, it's a pity that my dad doesn't think so. "I only scored 31 points in the Chinese test, and I'm still here with a hippie smile!" In the study, the old man blew his beard, looking disappointed, "How can my son be so useless!" Page 2 "Your son is very capable. I was the MVP of the basketball game last night!" "Your PPP is useless! You are in the second year of high school, not the second grade of elementary school! You have a 31-point score and you have a face to play basketball? You don't have any shame or a competitive spirit. Do you not want to go to college anymore?!"  . I was about to reply impatiently, the old man took out a magazine from somewhere, poked his hand at the cover and yelled at me: "Look at the person. He founded the company at the age of 20. In just two years, he has been on the "Business Rising Stars" cover interview! Look at yourself again, someone who is almost 17 years old and does not have the realization of it, do you want to be in the worst generation in the future, ah?!" Page 3 I'm not happy to hear this: "What's so great about starting a company? Your son, I will start a company in minutes!” "I'm almost out of school, and I started my own company? Oh, I'm going to be better!" The old man raised his head, and the thick magazine almost hit my handsome face.  "Learn from others, and don't give me daydreaming here!" Page 4 I grabbed this "Business Rising Stars" with enthusiasm. A decent young man in a suit was looking ahead through the photo. On the cover was a striking headline: "Li Zeyan, an astounding leader in Lianyu City.” "This title is exaggerated!" Even if I was taught by Lao Gao, I was inexplicably better compared with this Li Zeyan, and I just threw the magazine under the sofa. Who wants to learn from him? Just looking at it is a tarnish to my ability! Page 5 But somehow, at night I tossed and turned and I couldn't fall asleep! The more I closed my eyes, the more uncomfortable I was, what did Li Zeyan do. When I turned over for the 100th time, I suddenly sat up. It was a task by old Gao to read the magazine anyway, so I decided to retrieve the magazine and just take a look. After sneaking into the study room, it took me a long time to find the magazine in the innermost part of the sofa. Page 6 "... Although Li Zeyan is only 22 years old, he is already the president of Huarui, an emerging medium-sized company in Lianyu City.  Starting from scratch, he started from a small office to now has hundreds of people. Every step he walks is particularly solid and decisive. Li Zeyan’s way of business is beyond ordinary. He is like a lion, born with a King's aura." All these compliments just for this, isn't it just descriptions of someone starting their own company? I just haven't paid much attention to reading.  Just relying on my ingenuity, and getting a high score on the tests, it is absolutely nothing when it comes to starting a company. Hmph, just you wait. Chapter 2 Page 1 The university in City A is not only one of the top five in the province, but also the top five in the country. It is a university that I, Gao Qishan was admitted to dignifiedly! How about that, I said I'm absolutely fine. In a blink of an eye, the freshman year has passed. In the past two years, I have also paid a little attention to Huarui. The development has been okay, it has not closed down, and the scale has doubled.  It's just normal development. Is it worth the old Gao's praise from time to time?  Every time he flipped through a financial magazine and sighed, "You are so young, so good", it sounds a bit too much. Page 2 As the saying goes, "Seeing is believing", I think this sentence is right.  Taking advantage of the summer vacation, I decided to apply for Huarui's summer internship to see in person how the company is, just not to waste my talents and financial knowledge. Soon I entered the building, but how can the interviewer in the middle feel a bit familiar, the more I look at it, the more I recognize... Wait, isn't it exactly Li Zeyan?! What's happening, is Huarui going bankrupt? Why is the president personally do the interviewing for the summer interns? Page 3 "Manager Chen has something to do, I happen to be free." Probably my shock expression was too obvious. Li Zeyan flipped through the information at hand and looked up at me blankly.  "Gao Qishan? First, briefly introduce yourself." I don't know what's going on. I was so startled by Li Zeyan that I couldn't help but straighten up.  After swallowing my throat, I mobilized all my attention, took a deep breath and said, "Hello, my name is Gao Qishan, and I am a freshman in the Department of Economics and Management of the University of City A..." Page 4 After introducing himself, Li Zeyan asked a few more related professional questions. This kind of small question is nothing to me. It seems that Huarui’s interview is nothing more than that. He occasionally knocked his fingers on the table subconsciously, and asked with a deep gaze: "Why do you want to come to Huarui for an internship?" The continuous response made me more and more relaxed. I changed my sitting position and quickly thought about how to deal with this new question. Judging from previous information, Li Zeyan is a person who likes to win at everything. He should appreciate the kind of answers that seem extraordinarily confident, right? Page 5 After carefully thinking about this, I straightened my back and raised my chin and said: Although Huarui is quite a new company, it has grown at an amazing speed, and the achievements it has made so far are obvious to all in the industry.  And although I am a freshman student, I think I have a very strong learning ability. In this regard, I have a lot of similarities with Huarui. Therefore, I think Huarui is very suitable for me and will definitely make me grow faster. Of course, I can definitely give back the same freshness and vitality for Huarui. With a confident smile, I finished my speech and waited quietly for Li Zeyan's nod. But to my surprise, a few seconds later I was greeted by a frown from Li Zeyan. Page 6 "It seems that you have confidence in yourself. To be a man and to do things really requires self-confidence, but everything must be controlled." Li Zeyan stared at me and said in a hurry, "Only by maintaining reflection and introspection can we truly make progress." I understood his words, and my face flushed. A few days later, I really received a notice from HR (Human Resources) and I didn't get hired. Page 7 Although I had a foreseeable result from Li Zeyan's remarks, when I really received a reply and recalled the interview scene, I was still very angry. After my sophomore year, I went back to the final exams and tried to fight for the first place. I'll make sure that my ambitions are not just mere words. I have written down the "new hatred and old hatred" on my notes. I will definitely use the shortest time to create my own territory, leaving Huarui far behind! Chapter 3 Page 1 Today is the first day of my "Yuanshan Group" moving to a new building.  Morning light came in from the spacious floor-to-ceiling windows, and I stood by the desk, proudly holding on to the brand-new office chair. In the next semester of the junior year, I used the dividends I participated in the project as the start-up capital, and I didn't need a penny higher than the old one, so my "distant mountain" just rose from the ground.  Isn’t it just 20-year-old to start a company from scratch? What's the difficulty?  When I founded Yuanshan, I was exactly 21, and the rounding is almost the same as Li Zeyan.  Because of this, my old man, Lao Gao stopped training me long ago, and I guess he must have praised me secretly. Page 2 In just a few years, Yuanshan has grown from a small company of eight people to a scale that now occupies a seven-story high-end office building, and the suffix has also changed from "company" to the word "group".  To be honest, my founder is very satisfied with Yuanshan's growth.  Although there is still a certain distance from Huarui, after all, they are also developing along the way, but it doesn't matter, I am still young, and sooner or later I can catch up. It didn't take long before the opportunity to "catch up" came. Page 3 I was originally interested in the land to the north of Lianyu City. When I heard that Huarui was also planning to bid on that land, I became more interested.  The Lianyu Municipal Government intends to develop the somewhat hindered northern side. At present, construction has begun to build a crossing bridge and a shopping mall, and this piece of land is nearby. "It is more than enough to build a six-star resort with 18,000 square meters and the supporting facilities can be added. Maybe Huarui made the same idea." I have paid attention to the recent developments of Huarui and have invested in four resort hotels one after another. The senior management of the company also agreed that the land is worthwhile, and if it can be won within the highest valuation of 89 million yuan, it should make a profit without losing it. Page 4 A month later, I came to the auction site with confidence.  Sitting in front of me at ten o'clock is Li Zeyan, the president of Huarui in a suit and leather shoes. After a few years of absence, I can finally compete with him. On the stage, the auctioneer gave an impassioned introduction to the land, and then said in a melodious tone: "The starting price is 35 million, and the auction will begin now!" As soon as the voice fell, several companies immediately raised their signs. But my opponent is Huarui. It is still early, so I have to wait for Huarui to make a move. Page 5 When the bidding became increasingly fierce, Li Zeyan finally raised his placard for the first time: "60 million." The opponent finally appeared, and I immediately raised the number plate: "61 million." As if he was just encountering an ordinary bidder, Li Zeyan never answered with words, but raised his placard again: "70 million." I continued to chase: "71 million!" Side to the front, Li Zeyan seemed to raise his eyebrows slightly. After a few seconds, he raised the number plate again, and said: "80 million." Page 6 "81 million!" As if finally realizing my bite, Li Zeyan glanced at me slightly sideways, then he raised the number plate, the noise was low and clear: "90 million." This figure has already exceeded the company's highest valuation, and the assistant quietly tugged on my sleeve, beckoning me to forget it. But if I really give up on this, I still feel no sigh of relief in my heart. The auctioneer has already shouted in front: "90 million twice." Page 7 "100 million!" My voice came out, at the last moment. Of course, Li Zeyan finally gave me a straight look. I watched his hand nervously, and saw that the number plate was never raised again, and the auctioneer had already shouted excitedly: "One hundred million! Yuanshan Group has come out of one hundred million! One hundred million once! Three hundred million!, make a deal!" Page 8 Finally got it!  Such a valuable piece of land I believe it will be a great help to Yuanshan, and it’s just around the corner to get rid of Huarui. I didn't even consider the cost of 100 million yuan. I just felt that my body was comfortable and exuberant, and the bright prospects were beckoning me. When Li Zeyan passed by me, my triumphant pride couldn't stop. "Thanks to Mr. Li for the bidding this time." Page 9 Li Zeyan put his suit jacket on one hand, and passed by me. I thought he would argue with me back, but Li Zeyan just raised his eyebrows uninterested, and then strode away without looking back. Okay, as the winner of the auction, I allow the loser to occasionally gaffe. Just when I was gearing up to do a big job, the Finance Department urgently sent a bad report. Due to my "passionate bidding", Yuanshan's capital chain suddenly had a problem. Chapter 4 Page 1 I urgently convened a high-level meeting, and after several discussions, the best solution at present turned out to be to invest in Huarui! Personally speaking, I have a hundred reluctances in my heart.  Not long before the auction, I took the initiative to bow to Hua Rui. Didn't that slap me in the face severely. However, the cruel reality lies in front of us. Yuanshan is not only my own person, but also the collective effort of hundreds of employees.  To let Yuanshan survive this crisis steadily, I can only and must "take the initiative to surrender" to Huarui. Forget it, "vote" just "vote"!  Although it was a mistake in my decision-making this time, Yuanshan's development prospects are so good that Li Zeyan should never not invest as long as his eyes are correct. Page 2 However, the negotiation process is still more difficult than I expected. It is not that Huarui has no intention to invest, but almost all the conditions listed are on the lowest line of the distant mountains. "If I remember correctly, the creditworthiness of Huarui's previous investment in the gaze lock company is not very high." I fought hard against the low pressure, and Yuanshan's creditworthiness has always been in the top four in the industry. "...with Yuanshan's creditworthiness Huarui's right to speak will definitely be improved. I think Mr. Li can think about it again." Page 3 "Do you think you are still eligible to negotiate terms with me?" Li Zeyan straightened his mouth, exuding deterrence, "...Huarui Investment in Yuanshan is not for charity, and has no obligation to pay for your suicidal behavior." He raised his hand and glanced at his watch, with a hint of impatience on his face: "Think carefully about it yourself." The long negotiation was finally over. Although Yuanshan and Huarui finally reached a cooperation intention, the whole process failed me. I thought I was about to be on the same line of competition with Li Zeyan, but I was beaten back to the former "interviewer" again. Page 4 By the area downstairs in Huarui, I was smoking a stuffy cigarette, and suddenly there was a faint sound of footsteps behind me. It turned out to be Li Zeyan. Although he was still expressionless, the murderous aura and arrogance from the negotiations seemed to have diminished. Li Zeyan steadily walked to my side: "Gao Qishan, I remember you once came to interview for a summer internship." I didn't expect Li Zeyan to take the initiative to speak. I was surprised. He said: "Several years have passed, and it seems that self-confidence is increasing." If it wasn't for my lose, I stood up slightly: “Although I made a mistake this time, as far as the strength of Yuanshan is concerned, I have the capital to be confident." Page 5 "Yuanshan's strength is indeed pretty good, but don't rush to eat the cakes that you can't eat for the time being. Being high is far from a long-term plan for enterprise development." Li Zeyan said lightly, and took out a card from his pocket and handed it to me, "There will be a practical business forum in Lianyu City next week. You can come and listen when you have time." A practical business forum? What do you mean, is he mocking me for being too pragmatic? The inexplicable enthusiasm and self-esteem suddenly appeared, and I blurted out: "Mr. Li, even if Yuanshan is really not as good as Huarui now, there is no need to humiliate people like this, right?" Page 6 Li Zeyan frowned: "What are you talking about?" He paused, his eyes sinking, "I thought you would be an opponent you could look forward to, but I didn't expect the vision to be just like that." Without additional explanation, Li Zeyan turned and walked away after speaking. I was stunned, looking at Li Zeyan's steadily leaving behind, I couldn't help but relive the conversation just now in my mind. Could it be that Li Zeyan meant that because he regarded me as a potential opponent and hoped that this opponent could become stronger and more competitive, did he propose to let me participate in the business forum? Page 7 That's right, it seems that only such an explanation can make sense! Thinking of this, I couldn't help blowing a whistle. After all, it was an "imaginary enemy" and pursuit of goals since the age of 17, which can be affirmed and recognized by Li Zeyan. It is simply an easter egg that comes with the negotiation, and it is worthy of the old man to praise me ten times. I was being silly and happy. Suddenly my fingers hurt, I have forgotten about my cigarette that was about to burn my fingers! Chapter 5 Page 1 With Huarui's capital injection, Yuanshan passed the crisis steadily. After more than half a year, the foundation of the resort has gradually taken shape. Just when everything seemed to be going in a good direction, early this morning, the news of "the crash of the president of Huarui" directly bombed all major platforms.  Reminiscent of the so-called "homicide list" that was suddenly leaked on the internet a few days ago, I inexplicably feel that these two things may have some connection. Who on earth wants Huarui to sink in the water? Wait a minute, which company announced the list. Could it be that their person in charge is secretly playing tricks? Page 2 Before I could find anything out of my investigation, within a few days, the news of "Which company claims that Huarui has maliciously acquired a large number of pharmaceutical companies" once again detonated all platforms! "Deliberately monopolizing the pharmaceutical market will inevitably cause the price of medicines to rise, which is obvious." "Just for profit, this behavior is very bad!" "Even Huarui's own workers and can't stand it, which shows how terrible Li Zeyan's actions are!" Page 3 Opinions on the Internet are divergent, and public grievances are boiling, and they all accuse Huarui. But I don’t believe it. Although I have only met Li Zeyan several times in person, for so many years, because I have always regarded him as an opponent and target, I have studied Huarui and Li Zeyan’s behavior more than anyone else. The nonsense on the Internet, I don't believe a word! I browsed the web quickly, staring at the almost identical title and searched viciously. Page 4 "Huarui’s reputation plummeted, Li Zeyan fell into a situation where everyone was clamoring and angry, and the heads of the company was clearly cut off from him." In the video, the host's voice kept ringing into my ears. All the signs made me firmer in my previous thoughts: It must be looking at which company is crossing the river to demolish the bridge! I immediately called the assistant to the inside line: "How much do you hire me for a large number of naval forces? How many can you hire? How many! That's right, I have to spare no effort to clarify for Huarui, and by the way, I will focus on the company. Going right now!" I know that this "bad strategy" and only a small help but I haven't beaten Li Zeyan righteously, how could Huarui have an accident in such a situation! What I want is not the taste of winning without a fight. Page 5 Probably because of anger, I couldn't help but send a message to Li Zeyan: The outside world said that Huarui's energy is exhausted. You will not be reduced to the point where you still need to borrow money from me, right?" This message was sent, and I did not expect Li Zeyan to reply to me. However, when it was almost midnight, I suddenly received an email from Huarui. ‘Huarui has always been a responsible company, and will do what it says without fear of any storms. Now everything is running normally, you don't need to worry about it.’ Signer: Li Zeyan. Page 6 Looking at this email, I couldn't help but smile in the middle of the night. Also, Huarui has always been fighting steadily, and Li Zeyan has never fought unprepared battles. Maybe he is playing a big move. Otherwise, how can I say that he is my respectable and close opponent! As for my secret match with Li Zeyan. Give me another three or four years to see who wins and who loses.

[a-clockwork-justice]

Everything I Love About Loser Geek Whatever

So, not too long ago, it was the third birthday of Loser Geek Whatever. Yes, I know the single was released on November 30th 2018 and its considered the song’s official birthday, but the 26th July three years ago was the first showing of the 2018 Off-Broadway revival of Be More Chill and the first time Loser Geek Whatever was shown to the world in any capacity. Therefore, I consider that day to be the song’s unoffical birthday and I’ve been waiting to write down everything I love about it so here I am. (This was originally gonna be posted on the 26th July but I can’t make anything concise so it took longer than that).

I’ve gone on and on about what Loser Geek Whatever means to me personally, how a slew of random chance introduce me to it, got me deep into Be More Chill, introduced me to 90% of my current friends, and overall up-ended my whole life, but now it’s time to dissect the song itself and why it’s so great. As much as I adore Loser Geek Whatever, it could’ve easily been any other song that threw me down a rabbit hole and that I could’ve latched onto- no, wait, it couldn’t have been, because Loser Geek Whatever is unique in that way. I did about a year of music at A-Level so I’m gonna delve into some of the technical aspects here too. I’m chronicling this mostly for myself so I am going as deep as I see fit because this song is a treasure hiding yet more treasures. If you happen to love Loser Geek Whatever as much as I do, this’ll be your goldmine.

So, grab a snack my fellow fans, because here’s a comprehensive list of everything to love about Loser Geek Whatever in roughly chronological order. Long post incoming:

The song starts off strong from the first millisecond - I don’t know what instrument(s) they used but just listen to the single version again - that opening chord blares at you like a siren. It calls for your attention, screaming this is incredibly important, and indeed it is. That chord, an F chord, has no indication as to whether it’s major or minor - it’s just the tonic F with its dominant C and another tonic F above it. In other words, it’s unresolved, it hangs in the air. From a narrative standpoint, Jeremy is at a crossroads, torn between giving into the SQUIP or staying loyal to Michael, and the music paints this. It has the same effect on both the single and album versions - I always hold my breath as it holds, it’s the gap in this crucial transition for Jeremy between who he was and him becoming something he isn’t.

To continue the thread of musical painting, the melody line contains the accidental E-flat which doesn’t belong to the key of F major. This once again illustrates Jeremy’s uncertainty, but there’s more - the whole introduction is a slowed-down version of the Apocalypse of the Damned theme from Two Player Game, arguably the point in the show when Michael and Jeremy’s relationship was at its strongest. Jeremy’s recalling everything he had with Michael, but the slowing down of the melody shows hesitancy, along with highlighting the accidental E flat. These latter points of course aren’t unique to Loser Geek Whatever - they’re also in the section of Upgrade that twins with Loser Geek Whatever. I’m just laying out why they work so well. 

I’m glad I waited until after I saw the show in London to finish writing this - I’m something of a Loser Geek Whatever purist, as made clear by my ire at them cutting it in half and tacking the end of Upgrade back on for the London version. I still enjoyed the show in London though and I’m glad I knew about this change ahead of time, because they did change something about the song that I think really worked - they added two notes in the bass to each bar, like heartbeats, which once again signifies Jeremy’s uncertancy and the importance of this major turning point.

It’s been firmly established by this point that Jeremy is a loser and he knows it. He doesn’t want to be a hero, he just wants to survive, but there’s a difference between that and feeling “inconsequential.” Jeremy is basically admitting that, in his eyes, it doesn’t matter to the world or anyone except Michael if he even survives or not. He’s not just a loser, or a geek - he’s a whatever, with no one caring who he is. And he’s felt this way for years - since middle school began. He’s now in his Junior year of high school - that’s five years of being in this state of being unnoticed at best and picked on at worst. He’s “the one who’s left out”. With just one little line, hell, one word, we’re given more layers as to why he so badly wants to change that.

Moving from the first verse to the chorus, we start to see Jeremy’s attitude shift, from being sad to being angry - he’s frustrated, resentful that he’s spent so long in this state (A lot of people have made similar comparisons about Will Roland’s Jeremy as a whole in relation to Will Connolly’s Jeremy and I think this song exemplifies that). He doesn’t deserve to feel this horrible - not now and certainly not for the next two years until he and Michael can be “cool in college.” When you think about it, what options does he really have? He could either give into the SQUIP or reject it and go back to where he was, still miserable and lonely. Yes, he has Michael and Michael is an amazing, kind, loyal best friend, but as many have pointed out, he’s also dismissive of Jeremy’s feelings of inadequacy whether he means to be or not, which only made Jeremy feel more lonely. Should Jeremy just expect to feel better about himself at some point before college? He’s waited for years, why would that happen at any other point?

More layers baby! Second verse, Jeremy rants on about his father’s advice about following his own instincts and how it’s gotten him nowhere he wants to be. Come to think of it, Michael’s advice about staying the same and waiting for their environment to change can be seen as similar - it’s arguably easier for Michael as he has two loving mothers who undoutably give him plenty of positive reinforcement. Meanwhile, Jeremy’s mother has left them, which likely instilled further feelings of not being good enough, and his father has fallen apart to the point where he can’t even put pants on, let alone step up to take care of his son, meaning that Jeremy likely isn’t going to take his advice very seriously, especially after it’s failed him so thoroughly. But to Jeremy, the problem isn’t necessarily the advice itself - it’s that it’s being followed by him. So now he’s going to turn around and put his life and every choice in something else’s hands, even if - no, especially if it goes against his own instincts. It still doesn’t feel quite right, it “feels bizarre”, but it’s getting him somewhere, so it has to be right in the most meaningful capacity, and to Jeremy, the “most meaningful capacity” is any capacity that isn’t his own.

Now the best line - the one about being a “normal, handsome guy”. Let’s get this on the table - Jeremy is trans. Will Roland himself said that he often thinks of the show’s young trans fans when he sings that line. Naturally, societal transphobia plus gender dysphoria would have a pretty catestrophic effect on the self-esteem of any growing teenager, even more so one in Jeremy’s situation for the reasons I’ve just laid out. He’s probably missed out on a lot of things that “normal” guys take for granted, with most girls barely looking in his direction, let alone in any positive manner. Jeremy’s own sexuality aside, it’s mostly society, and the SQUIP by extension, that considers scoring with girls to be a “manly” or masculine activity, and through Brooke treating him as dateable material, Jeremy feels better about fitting into society’s rules of how a man should be and act. This isn’t the only reason he feels good about Brooke finding him attractive, of course, but it’s just another layer that Jeremy sees more value in conforming to how society says he should be rather than in how he actually is.

I know I just said that the last point was about the best line, but honestly, there’s more than one best line in this song. The bridge is where we start to see Jeremy’s language becoming more technologically inclined - “prompt”, “command” and “bandwidth” are all terms used in computing and used to show how Jeremy is likening himself, or his intentions, to a computer, effectivly merging himself and his SQUIP into one entity and Jeremy willingly giving over his own individuality.

And HERE, we get to the kicker. I’ve talked a lot about layers throughout this whole essay, about themes and motifs building on each other. Jeremy is essentially peeling back the layers of his own situation and only finding reason after deeper reason after deeper reason as to why he should follow the SQUIP and not be a loser anymore. Now, he hits the core, the seed, the crux of it all - “The problem has ALWAYS BEEN ME!!” Everything he is, everything that makes Jeremy Heere himself, is and has always been wrong. This line is a gut punch and EVERYONE knows it - the performer always takes a few seconds to let it sink in before continuing.

As an aside, I wanna mention the differences between the single and the album versions of the bridge. The album version starts of quieter after the vocalising of the last chorus, and builds up to the climactic final line, while the single version is loud all the way through but gets even louder and punchier at the end. Both are good, but I personally prefer the single version - the album sounds like Jeremy is broken and desperate and on the verge of tears as he reaches his inevitable but ugly realisation. The single is also desperate, but it’s pleading and all-consuming and a THOUSAND times more powerful, I get chills every time I hear it. (Side note, the London version starts of loud like the single and ends quieter like the album, almost as if Jeremy is reluctant to admit what he truly believes about himself, and it’s easy to see why, it’s a damn harsh condemnation).

“Take a breath and get prepared” - Jeremy sings to both himself and the audience. The first half has been heavy and we need a breather. Yet just before he goes over the brink, he has second thoughts. His conscience, his own voice in his head, breaks through, warning him that his choice will have consequences for other people than himself. People will get hurt - Michael most of all. Not just by Jeremy ditching him; here’s something else - when Jeremy is the “cool dude”, he might end up being a bully to those who are losers just like him, cutting them down just as Rich’s SQUIP made Rich do to him. Who would be the perfect target for Jeremy’s potential future bullying? His former best friend and fellow loser, Michael Mell. It’s pretty damn likely that if the SQUIP hadn’t optic nerve blocked Michael, it would’ve told Jeremy to pick on him, and even though Michael has ostensibly been pretty good at brushing these things off before, the takedowns would hurt a LOT more coming from his former best friend - and we know this because IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS, granted without the SQUIP influencing Jeremy directly (also let’s just clear up that just because the SQUIP wasn’t on doesn’t mean its influence on Jeremy hadn’t disappeared - that’s not how emotional abuse works).

Twelve years of loyal friendship, of borderline unhealthy codependency … can he throw all that away for Christine, a girl he’s thus admired from afar and is only just starting to get to know as a person? Moreover, even if Jeremy gets Christine, what about himself, who he wants to be? He just wants to be something other than himself because he thinks that anything is better but … what? The cool dude, the hero or … whatever. He’ll take anything because he’s that desperate, but what about when he gets it? Will he finally be satisfied? Will it be worth failing his one real friend, an act so scummy that the only way he could possibly stomach it would be to somehow pretend he hadn’t done it?

But none of those questions matter to Jeremy now - he’s fully gaslit into believing that every thought and inclination that comes from himself is wrong and shouldn’t be followed. He needs to sync up with the SQUIP and the rest of the world and mute his own defective inner voice. When you think about it, the relationship between Jeremy and the SQUIP is one of the most intense abusive relationships ever put to fiction - we’ve seen emotional abuse and brainwashing before, but here, Jeremy is literally preventing from THINKING the wrong way because the SQUIP can detect his every thought. See what I mean when I say that doesn’t go away when the SQUIP turns off for a few minutes?!

Throughout all of this is the undercurrent of Jeremy wanting to get better. He’s been trying so hard for so long to have a better life, but nothing has worked. Not listening to his dad, not trying to get closer to Christine through theatre, and certainly not listening to Michael’s advice to wait until college. Why should he resign himself to even more time being miserable with no end in sight? After all, being cool in college isn’t a guarantee. After all he’s been through, it’s his turn to finally be cool, after an eternity of being someone he doesn’t want to be.

Another best line in this song - “I’m Player One.” As mentioned a few times in the show before, like in the Broadway upgrade, Jeremy feels lower even in his friendship with Michael - he’s Player 2 as the more experienced Michael is Player 1. As previously established, Jeremy admits that he’s “not the one who the story’s about.” Now he’s ready to finally take control of his life, be the main character and have good things happen to him, and that means cutting out Michael, the old Player 1. The irony here is that Jeremy is less like Player 1 and more like a video game avatar. In reality, the SQUIP is Player 1, making Jeremy do whatever it demands of him.

More best lines! The slew of insults towards the end serves not just as yet more gut punches for the audience but as a major catharsis for Jeremy - It’s telling that the insults get harsher as his rant goes on, from the “weirdo” to the “weakling freak” to the “failure” to the climactic “please don’t speak”. He’s unloading everything that he’s been carrying over the years, ripping out the bullets that have been embedded in his skin and re-opening all the wounds in the process, but he’s done with the pain and he’ll never ever let himself be hurt like that again, if he follows the SQUIP.

I’ve made a whole post about the significance of the best line “Please Don’t Speak” before so I’ll mostly be repeating a lot of what I said there because it’s been a while since that post and because I want to. Who would’ve said that to Jeremy? Probably not Rich or Chloe, it’s not like them. It had to have come from an adult in a position of authority that could’ve commanded Jeremy not to speak like that - one that apparently did so enough times for him to internalise those words like he did the others. (Even worse if it was more than one adult ...). Out of all of the insults, it’s easy to see how that can easily be the most scarring out of all of them - how would an adult let a child know they’re inadequate? By silencing them. Making it clear that their expression of self not only means nothing, but should be forcibly avoided. Put like that, it makes it much easier to see how and why Jeremy fell under the SQUIP’s influence so easily - telling it was hardly different from authority figures he’s experienced before. In even more sad irony, as Jeremy claims that he’s breaking free and letting go of his past as the “please don’t speak”, he’s just walking right into another, similar trap that he can’t easily escape from. The SQUIP literally vocal cord blocks him during The Play - if that doesn’t say “Please don’t speak,” what does?!

The climax is growing! The music shifts into the relative minor as Jeremy fully gives in to the SQUIP’s evil influence. This is the point of no return, the point where he’s literally being surrounded and overtaken - if you’ve seen this on stage or even just a bootleg, you’ll know what I mean, when the lighting shifts and the circuitry start closing in around him, it’s wonderful. The bass ascends, Jeremy declares once and for all that HE IS NOT THE LOSER, THE GEEK, OR WHATEVER, and he never will be again! As some have pointed out, the sequence of notes on the final “again” is the same as at the end of Be More Chill Part 2, except the last note is different. In BMC part 2, it goes further down by a minor third, but in Loser Geek Whatever, it rises up to the same note it started with. This foreshadows Jeremy’s fate - that he will eventually overcome the SQUIP and that he still has it in him to do so. Man, let me just point out how amazing that last belt is - it lasts for a full 15 seconds in a really high range and takes a LOT of control to bring it back up to the high B without breaking. This song really was written for Will Roland - his voice can pull it off seamlessly, but other actors and understudies have had to find workarounds. No disrespect to them, it’s a damn hard song and it kicks ass all the way through. Scott Folan apparently had trouble with it too, but on the day I happened to see him, he pulled it off without breaking, so props to him!

Overall, Loser Geek Whatever is my favourite song in Be More Chill and not just for its sentimental value to myself. It’s a genuinely deep, complex piece that earned every second of its six minutes. Loser Geek Whatever is definitely the missing piece the show needed - not only is it Jeremy’s solo song, it’s also his “I Want” song and, in a way, his 11 o’clock number all in one, as he’s having a major epiphany after going on a journey, albeit only half of one. It’s easy to see why Joe Iconis dubbed this his anti-Defying Gravity, but it’s also easy to draw parallels to No Good Deed - how both Jeremy and Elphaba vow to become something that society is forcing upon them rather than what they are, even if that society’s will is objectively worse for them. Loser Geek Whatever deserves a thousand times the recognition it has and I still wonder to this day what the fandom reaction would’ve been if it had been in the original soundtrack.

So, that was it. I’m not sorry it was this long.

TL;DR: Loser Geek Whatever is wonderful and anyone who doesn’t think so is wrong.